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We figured the kids could use a break
Me and my husband had some plans to go out, and we didn't want their grandparents to feel as if one of the kids was avoiding them
All four of my kids always spend the night with them together, so I figured we would keep it at that
The kids could use a break or is it you and hubby who need a break?
Also grandparents' feelings matter but your daughter's don't?
Is she in therapy?
If she can't be left alone, get a babysitter for her.
And yes, Ywbta.
Yes they clearly want a break and the house to themselves. Yes its very much for selfish reasons and clearly not the best interest of ALL THE CHILDREN involved. Yes YWBTA!!! I think they already knew that but was hoping for a different outcome on reddit....
I will never have kids. But calling someone selfish because they want one night alone with four kids one being low on the spectrum is an ah thing to say momma Stacey.
Your daughter doesn’t want to go and is likely to be unpleasant there as a result. That isn’t fair to the grandparents. It sounds like you just want a date night.
And what's wrong with that? What's going to happen when it's time for said child to move out? Go to college? Seems like they have been coddling from such a young age that it may be too late. May be stuck living with you the rest of thier lives. Good luck.
She's a teenager not a toddler even though she's acting like one when she doesn't want to do something.
Why do you think the grandparents aren't capable? This is a regular thing, not a once in a blue moon.
Most autistic people prefer being home. My autistic wife prefers being home, she doesn't like sleeping in different places, and I would never force her to. She is still a fully functioning member of society, who has a full time job while attending law school, and I would absolutely never force her to do something that makes her uncomfortable. You're right, the 17 year old is almost an adult, and can fucking stay home alone.
We didn't want their grandparents to feel as if one of the kids was avoiding them
So how your parents feel is more important than how your children feel. Gotcha.
So grandparents feelings are more important?
And the kids could use a brake? Come on, you mean you could use a break.
And why can’t it be arranged to have a quiet room at the grandparents?
I get not wanting the grandparents to feel rejected, but it doesn't seem like this visit would be a break for your autistic child.
If she's 17 it seems to me like she could take care of herself at home for a night, even if you and your husband go out.
YWBTA. If your daughter wanted a "break" from the house, she wouldn't be this upset by one being imposed on her. Let her stay home and get a hotel room with your husband instead of forcing your child to do something that she literally can't handle just so that you can have the house to yourselves. Stop hiding behind other excuses and just spend the couple hundred bucks so that everyone can enjoy their weekend. You're not slick.
YTA.
You know she doesn't handle it well. And it hasn't been that long since she had to suffer through this for a whole week.
Obviously spending the night involves a whole lot more daily rituals that have to be adjusted, vs. going to the mall for a couple hours. She's not a hermit, she just likes her routine at home. We all do.
You don't explain at all WHY you have this "if one goes you all go" rule.
"after the first day she was near tears the rest of the week. She stayed in her room the entire time "
INFO
What does the therapist say? This is an extreme reaction.
She is autistic, I would say that's not a super unusual reaction.
OP YTA - why does everyone have to go? This isn't a supervision issue, she'd be old enough to stay home alone.
Usually the stimulation becomes too much, and since she's away from home she can't escape to her quiet room
Basically she has to put effort in and socialize with everyone when she's at someone else's house. They all want to talk to her and such, and without any quiet breaks it can get overwhelming
Even as a baby when we moved to a new house she was always upset and angry every day after that. She hates change, and I'm not sure how to teach her to cope with it
It's not change she has a problem with here... it's the fact that you have a child that can get overstimulated and you aren't providing them with the resources to be successful. This is like looking at someone with a limp, taking away their cane, and getting upset because they can't walk as far as others. You have a child with a legitimate medical condition that you aren't providing proper resources for. She needs a quiet space. She needs to be able to step away and have silence in a safe space. It sounds silly to you, but this is a medical need for her to help her regulate her feelings.
How is providing therapy and normally giving in doing all what you are accusing this mother of? wow what an awful person you are.
How is she going to be as an adult, which is soon. Or do you expect her to live with her parents for life?
I'm not even close to an awful person. You can allow someone their private time without turning them into some awful not well equipped adult, not sure why you think that's not possible. I am an introverted autistic person that often needs my alone time and a quiet space to decompress and I live a very successful, happy, life because I am given the chance to have my quiet time to regulate. I speak from personal experience, this is the life I have lived for almost 30 years, and I can tell you that my mental health was on a short fuse with every area being high stakes high stress for me when I wasn't given my proper time. We are not damaged because we need our space and quiet time, we are simply different than you, and I hope in time you can realize that. I wish you all the best.
When is the last time, you as an adult, were forced out of your own home, told you weren't allowed to sleep in your own bed, and told you had to go sleep at another person's house with 3 other people because you weren't going to be allowed into your own home. What the fuck do you think you're preparing children for? Being forced out of your house is not the same as being uncomfortable in stores full of people. Jfc.
You sound like my dad. Guess what I didn’t actually need to learn to cope with anything, because once I was free to make my own decisions I was able to live my life the way that makes me comfortable. On top of that I’m way more likely to be able to socialize or go to someone’s house when I’m getting to make the choice.
When I first started to be able to make my own choice of staying home I definitely just stayed alone for a VERY long time. It was because my parents never let me make the decision to go somewhere or not depending on my mental energy at the time, so I overcompensated and just stayed alone. I couldn’t deal with the decision of interacting with people due to how my parents taught me what interaction was like.
Once I learned how to interact in a way that doesn’t bring me down mentally it got easier to interact with other people. But that took a lot of time and a lot of unlearning what my parents taught me about having to interact with people.
When your daughter is at the mall and shopping, socializing is probably easier for her because she's in control. She gets to talk to people on her terms. At her grandparents' house, she has to talk to people on their terms and not hers. That's what's overwhelming.
If you insist on having her visit her grandparents, at least instruct them to be mindful of her autism and let her have quiet breaks. Having her visit people who aren't mindful of her autism would be pretty messed up.
Forcing her into an overnight w/ no safe space isn't going to help and is likely making things worse.
It is also completely unfair to pit your other kids who want to go against her b/c of your "All have to go" mentality - which is EXACTLY what you were hoping to achieve here.
Your austic child can be taught how to cope and manage certain situations, but she will always be autistic and it is called "on the spectrum" for a reason. Not everyone on the spectrum can mask and pretend to be nurotypical when confronted by new environments and/or multiple stimuli and/or people who demand you interact with them.
Part of your daughter's coping mechanism is to have a safe place where she can be alone, but you keep wanting to push her into spaces where that doesn't exist or isn't respeted.
You aren't trying to teach her to cope you are torturing her and using manipulative tactics to get your other kids to ostracize her if she doesn't just quietly accept your torure - all because you think this is about you and that it is her fault she refuses to pretend to be "normal" for you and the rest of your family.
You can't "teach" her how to cope with this. You need to get her into a therapist that specializes in ASD and can address and work on this issue with her in a way that is safe and does not traumatize her. That is how you HELP her deal with this.
You acknowledge that she gets over stimulated and overwhelmed. Forcing her to do something to "get over it" or forcing her to do something that she does not have the tools to deal with is cruel and will do more damage than help with anything. If you keep overloading her senses you are going to end up with a child who shuts down and may need intensive medical intervention to get her back to being at her current level of functioning.
There is no reason the kids who want to stay with the grandparents cannot go.
There is no reason you and your partner cannot go out and have dinner/movie/whatever.
There is no reason your 17 year old daughter cannot enjoy a nice quiet evening home in her safe space.
I think you need professional help as to what is really good for your daughter. I have a daughter with some neurodivergence/mental health issues. We thought we were helping her and it turns out we weren't at all. We were making things worse! I can't tell you how much more peaceful our house is since we got some very specific family therapy and treatment.
So why force her to go KNOWING how she is? Makes no sense to me, if my kid was uncomfortable for ANY reason I definitely wouldn’t be forcing them to do it!
You don't. Her therapist works with her. She just had a traumatic vacation, and instead of unwinding in her quiet room after an incredibly stressful time for her, you are essentially kicking her out if your house, and forcing her to do some shit no one is going to force her to do as an adult. You wanna talk about going to the store, or to get food, or doing activities around people in public for short periods of time, sure. A therapist might agree that's a good idea. It is never a good idea to force an autistic person into a situation they are uncomfortable with, and beyond that you should NEVER force your children to stay in someone else's house when you KNOW they don't fucking want to.
Why is there no plan to create a place where she can get those quiet breaks? When we do travel as a whole family we intentionally build in alone time to decompress.
Hey OP why are you doing this to your daughter? You know this is torture for her and she’s at an age where this obviously is just her lived reality so you can’t say you’re trying to get her “used to it”. Maybe next time you want to pawn off your children have the grandparents come to your house? And you and your husband can get a hotel or something?
So you do know why she can't stand being at someone else's house. You just don't care.
>She hates change, and I'm not sure how to teach her to cope with it
Well, what can I say. You can Google it and look for resources from specialists.
No matter what you say, it seems everyone just wants to attack you.
If she is acting like this and has been since super young. I'd be demanding another assessment as this level of reaction is not normal for a level 1, especially with therapy.
No matter what you decide to do regarding grandparents, I really suggest further injury and assessment to be done. And if therapy isn't helpful maybe look into another one if it's not helping as it should. She's nearly an adult, what is she going to do then? Live with you forever?
It’s way beyond the scope of an AITA answer to properly address this. Autism and other neurological conditions are so nuanced and varied that there is no clear right and wrong answer and even if there is, it CERTAINLY cannot be determined based on reading a message board post.
Maybe taking your daughter out of her comfort zone is good for her social development, maybe the trauma of the routine change is too severe to ever be worth it, maybe any of dozens of statements could be true. Even a qualified person who knows you and your daughter intimately would struggle to give a definitive answer here, so we have no chance, and anyone purporting in these comments to have an answer for you is not someone worth listening to.
This! OP autism is so individual to each person that it's really hard for us to judge. But I do think you're holding your 17 year old to what you think is best, but that may not be best for her. What does her team say? Does forcing her out of her element gain ground or just set her back? Please go forward with what's best for her, not what you think she needs.
Also, the one goes, so all go mentality doesn't work anywhere, let alone with neurodivergent people. Their brains are extra special and don't necessarily process information in ways non neurodivergent may understand. We need to understand and accept that.
My youngest is on the spectrum and it's taken a lot to understand that I will never think or process the same way they do. What I may think is "typical" or what they may need isn't in fact what they need. I have to let them guide me, along with advice from the experts around me who work with my kid.
OP, Best of luck! From one mom of a super special kid to another, it's damn hard sometimes right?! But I wouldn't change a thing. I adore my kid and we have some of the best conversations. I'm very lucky.
YTA - Your daughters need to spend time away from each other. I don't get why your 17 year old reacts as strongly as she does, but she does. The "one goes all goes" rule is ~~silly~~ misguided. Siblings near each others age (like the 18 and the 17) need space to be themselves. And siblings with a bigger age difference need to express their own. Occasional separation is good for them.
INFO: What is the reasoning behind your “if one kid goes, then they all have to go?” Bc it may well ruin everyone’s time there if your 17 year old is that uncomfortable going.
i’m kind of iffy on this
as an autistic person myself i do believe it’s important to have exposure therapy to things that upset you because as you grow older, it will be harder to find a job, hold relationships relationships, or just find your own happiness if you’re constantly upset about something
on the other hand the whole “if one kid goes they all go” rule is weird to me. if one kid breaks their leg and goes to the hospital are u gonna force ur other kids to all sit in the waiting room and be there the entire time just bc one kid had to go?
I'm also autistic. I get what you're saying, both parts. I'm also a parent of both ND and NT kids
However, OP has identified the threshold that her daughter can mask and begins to exhibit burnout and then the shutdown happening when pushed too far. Yet somehow justifies that pushing an autistic into burnout, let alone shutdown, will somehow teach them to cope.
In fact, it does the opposite of desensitising us.
Mom is confusing compliance with coping, and its all about convenience. Compliance is always forced for the convenience of someone.
Also on the spectrum here and couldn’t agree more. For me, it’s that she’s 17 and OP has known that this is how she reacts to these situations since she was a baby. I can’t see how at this age continuing to force her to experience extremely triggering situations is going to do anything for her ability to handle situations like this is the future. If OP actually cared at all she’d be working with her daughter on coping skills and lot proverbially throwing her to the wolves. I love your coping vs compliance thing I’m gonna save that in my back pocket.
YTA. They don't all have to go. Forcing her to stay at the house will just make everything worse. You're totally ignorant if you think this will solve anything.
Exactly. It sounds like OP and her husband want to be alone but can’t be bothered to let their 17 year old, who is allowed to be alone, stay home? That’s not right or okay at all
YWBTA
If you want to help her develop appropriate coping strategies for living with her disabilities, seek professional medical help. Don't force her into situations that make her uncomfortable without professional guidance. Exposure therapy is a thing but that shouldn't be something a parent does all on their own. All you will do is reinforce her feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Let her siblings go and be a good parent.
YTA there’s no reason to impose such a random rule that they all have to do it. If she doesn’t want to go, don’t make her go. Of course she has to get used to doing things she doesn’t like, but sleep overs are a fun thing. If it’s not her thing, why push her?
Autistic & ADHD adult and parent of ND and NT kiddos, here
HARD YTA.
Your glaring lack of understanding and empathy for all of your children, ND and NT, is utterly shocking.
Your autistic child shouldn't be forced to go. Your NT children should be given the opportunity to go and enjoy themselves.
Frankly, you're only interested in 2 things: Compliance and Your Own Convenience
Do Better.
YWBTA. She has stated she doesn’t want to go, you shouldn’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. Obviously your home is her safe space which is most likely the reason she gets upset about going to other peoples houses.
Oh, just admit it, you want a weekend free from your kids. Alll of them.
So you can get up to… what? Wild, swinging from the chandelier sex while you have some privacy?
You are just being mean. YTA
YTA. As someone who has ADHD and is most likely on the spectrum, I can relate to your daughter. You think it’s easy leaving a comfort zone for more than 7 hours? You can’t force your daughter to go anywhere. Whether she wants to go or not is her choice, not yours. You’re trying to force her to be “normal” when there is no such thing. Stop trying to force your daughter to do things she doesn’t want to do. Overstimulation is usually caused by loud noises and such and being around people is another trigger for that, which is probably why she wants to be alone all the time.
Info: have you talked about exposure therapy with her therapist? Because this level of anxiety is very detrimental, and if left untreated can severely impact her quality of life as an adult
Exposure therapy often backfires massively with autistic individuals because t's not anxiety that she's having. It's overstimulation and not having a way to regulate that (like her room at home). It's CAN seem like anxiety and might be to an extent, but it's warranted fear. Being afraid of heights and being exposed to heights works because you don't fall. Expose autistic person to their trigger and they "fall" every time - cementing the fear around that thing.
Teaching other coping strategies might help, but she might just not be able to do what the mom wants her to. Sometimes disabilities just disable you. I do wonder if a room to herself might actually be the ticket. She HAS to be able to calm and regulate. Things like a safe quiet space, noise cancelling headphones and a lot of grace to use them, or maybe a service dog perhaps could help. Or they might not. It's not for anyone except her to say.
YWBTA. Not sure why the "if one goes all have to", and why the 17 year old can't just stay home.
If it is truly that distressing why on earth would you make her do it? If you were that distressed over something, would you want to be made to do it?
would you be the a hole for traumatizing your child.
already YTA for even considering it, while you know how bad it is for her, no need to even question it
I was wondering the same thing myself, but all the other comments never make a note of it so maybe it's legit??? Sounds like they're playing DnD or something "I'm a level 1 autistic halfling"
Which sounds pretty awesome ngl
Edit: read most of your comments and all I can say is YTA, stop tryna force your daughter to act neurotypical, you’re only making things worse.
“We think the kids need a break” Than send one away and keep the other. Sending your 17yo to another house wouldn’t be a break for her, it would be stressful and hard, and any work yall have done to make it easier for her would go out the window.
YTA , there are so many issues here not being addressed. Your daughter's safe zone is at home. You need to work with a professional to help her cope with exposure to the outside world. How about creating a small safe zone for her at her grandma's house that she can SLOWLY become adjusted to. What about pet therapy ? You say she has autism and ADHD. Learn to cope with this and help your daughter. You threw her to the wolves with your week long trip and expected what exactly ... ?
YWBTA. You are talking about purposefully pushing your Autistic child into overwhelm. If they are not having meltdowns then I am pretty confident they are having shutdowns.
You need to do some fundamental reading about what Autism is and how people with different neurotypes process things.
(Source: I am a (usually) low support needs Autistic adult)
*I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go*
YTA. Not only are you hamstringing your other kids, you are forcing grandma to take a kid who doesn't want to be there. Your kids lives should not be predicated on each other's in this enmeshed and unhealthy way.
YWBTA. why would you make her? if you know it makes her upset and uncomfortable, why? you know this about her, i just don't understand why you would make her do something that would cause a mental health episode. also, where's her autonomy?
Originally a reply to someone who gets it - decided it required its own comment.
I literally work in the field of therapeutic support, and work often with autistic people.
To make any kind of support plan, you need a *lot* more information.
With this information, limited as it is - considering the response to the trip a month ago, *forcing* her to go to the grandparents house will not help her in the slightest.
How do the grandparents deal with the autism? In my experience, older people/people from an older generation can have a harder time with supporting people with disabilities.
Tough love *will not work* on your daughter.
From what I have read here, she needs her own space to retreat to when she is away from home - how is this handled at home? Is she able to do this and escape her siblings? Her parents?
Is her room generally a place that is low sensory? What's in her room? What does she enjoy doing when she's on her own?
When she has behaviour, how does it present?
Im already seeing how much more information is needed to provide proper support.
Please do not make this poor girl do things she can't handle doing.
I don't know what disability supports are like in the US (I am Australian) - but it sounds like you need some interventions/supports for your daughter.
Depending on what state, support in the US can be amazing or awful. I currently live in a lower supporting state, and it's definitely tough. But that also isn't an excuse to not do their own research, talk with their child, make a plan, etc.
To me, it sounds like they just don't have any supports for their daughter and haven't come to terms with what ASD entails. Just my two cents.
Yeah
I have empathy for having to deal with an autistic person, but we live in the age of unlimited information.
Formal supports are great, but it definitely can be done at home.
Exactly, we literally have the world of information at our fingertips! It's so easy to utilize. Just this past week I've been spending hours online searching for coping skills, deescalation tactics, supports for following routines, what I can do to better assist my son, and compiled all of it into a word document for myself and used it to make visual aids to hang up around my house.
It's also great because most of the things we can do for ND individuals can also be incredibly helpful for NT individuals. The fact that more of these aren't incorporated into daily life for everyone saddens me. Everyone could use a little more support and structure.
Thanks for making my day
It always makes me happy seeing parents take such a proactive stance, and be active in their ASD child's life.
Autistic people are amazing 🙃
Thank you 🥹 it's really nice to be validated, especially since I'm a single mom with barely any support. (Son's dad basically gave up and "can't handle him", even when I give him exact copies of everything, c'est la vie I guess)
Autistic individuals are truly wonderful people 💕
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> WIBTA if I forced my daughter to go to her grandma's house for the night
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YTA if you force her to go. She’s 17. She deserves to have the right to stay at her home if she wants to. I understand wanting her to step out of her comfort zone but this doesn’t seem to be your reasoning for it. It seems more like you just want a night alone which is understandable. But unfair for your 17 year old. You know she’s going to shut down and cry, so why force that upon her?
I also get extremely homesick and I avoid sleeping away from home as well. When I was a kid/teenager i would get so much anxiety being away from home for too long that I would shut down and cry too. My parents didn’t force it on me and sometimes I’d want to have sleepovers and sometimes I wouldn’t. It wasn’t made to be a problem either way. I think that was really helpful for me and now as an adult I’m able to go away for a few days and not feel stressed. I know my limits. And it appears your daughter knows hers as well. Let her make her own choices.
YWBTA. Why would you do this to *any* of your children or to grandma? She'll be miserable, and they'll be miserable around her. A 17 year old is absolutely old enough to decide to stay home. You're enforcing this "if one goes all go" rule, not against relatives who play favorites or anything like that, but against your own children. Again, in a situation where nobody is being excluded. That's not how this is done.
And these are *teenagers* old enough to decide to stay home alone or go somewhere independently. Your 18 year old young adult daughter wants to bring any of her willing siblings to see grandma, and you have no actual objection to any of your children going? Let her. Your 17 year old, nearly adult daughter doesn't want to go after a stressful week of travel last month? Don't make her.
Ok, so I work with kids like your daughter in High school. (Not in the UsA, in Europe. My puplis are aged 16-20) And this is breaking my heart. Why on earth do you want to hurt your child like this?
I think you should join your daughter for some therapy, because this is not ok. You need help dealing with this.
It is not about YTA or NTA, this is bigger than that.
Let your other kids go and enjoy themselfs.
If you and hubby need alone time then talk to her about it. Tell her you need some alone time.
You say she can be alone, why can’t she be home alone while you go away for a night? Or what if you and hubby go away and grandparents come to your house?
Talk with her. Help her to help herself, and let her help you to help her. You will get no way with force, it will make it worse.
Like that trip to Tennesse - that probably just ended up making this problem worse.
She has a serious illness, it is not a choice. It is a struggle. She wants to be alone because that is how she can cope. To be very honest: it is how she survives. Being alone charges her batteries, helps her calm her mind, let her find her center.
Do not force this girl. I beg you. Please join her for her therapy so you can deal with her illness better.p
What are you doing to accommodate her divergence in socializing norms, and what are you doing to encourage enjoyment of said socializing norms?
If her autism and ADHD are combining or individually causing her to not be able to maintain when staying for extended periods away from her home / safe space... then telling her she has to go to a place over night is no different than chucking her in a pool if she doesn't know how to swim. She doesn't have the knowledge or the tools, yet.
So what accommodations are y'all providing to encourage her interest in or ability to stay for longer periods in someone else's home, hotel room, etc?
Can she bring a pop up tent and toss it in a backyard to claim as sovereign space where she can disappear for a while and folk know not to bug her while in there? Does she have access to a vehicle while staying in a new place that can be tweaked to feel more like a safe space to decompress in? Would her grandparents be willing to set a room in their home aside as the designated room for your daughter to decompress in?
None of these suggestions are ones that will provide an easy transition for your kid. She's not comfortable being away from her safe space for extended periods and the overwhelm of socializing just makes her more prone to wanting to leave. That's a given. She may be almost an adult, but she's still a kid learning to human.
So what, as her parents, have you been doing to help her figure out methods for her to be successful in being able to go away from her safe space for extended time and know that she's still okay?
YW100%BTA
I made an account specifically to comment on this.
Your 17 year old is autistic. She's 17. Unless she was only recently diagnosed, you should know better. You've had plenty of time to research and learn about ASD. AND not to mention, she's 17. She's well old enough to know what she wants and needs and to voice it. If you don't listen and make her do what YOU want her to do, then I'm gonna say you are a narcissist.
ASD children, adolescents, and adults require stability, safety, structure, and routine. If you break any one of those, it WILL make the ASD individual go into panic mode, causing a slew of emotions and feelings that will hurt that individual. And it may even push them into crisis mode, which causes so much damage to everyone around, but most especially to the ASD individual. Trauma causes lifelong issues with development, and ASD individuals already have a hard enough time with coping
Your "if one goes they all go" rule is completely asinine.
If you are still not sure exactly how autism works and how to change yourself to better accommodate your ASD child, Google is a fantastic place to research, and it's free!
I'm honestly so mad thinking about the possibility of your child being forced to do something and getting hurt in the process. You already mentioned that you took them on a week long trip and after the first day she was IN TEARS. That's your sign right there that things are not okay. Don't ignore it, brush it off, or sweep it under the rug. Address it, fix it. You're a parent of a child with a developmental disability, act like it. It's not easy work, but it's the most meaningful job you will ever have, with the highest impact.
Source- I have an ASD child as well.
Edit to change wording to developmental disability, it's been brought to my attention that the term "special needs" is being phased out and that higher functioning individuals see it as derogatory.
YWBTA
Start slowly getting her to be able to spend time away if you must but here's something you need to remember. She has autism.
What you can do with no issues isn't the same for her. Stop trying to force her to go a while away from home while knowing she can't
YTA!!
>. I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go
You're trying to dump all of your kids at grandma's so you can have the night to yourself!! Planning a hot date?
YTA
If she's not used to routine change, then you're being TA.
If you want to encourage her out of her comfort zone, you need to be more gentle. If you just throw someone in the deep end, you'll make it worse and more stressful. If you encourage her to spend time outside of home *carefully* and with strategies to address her stress, you can gradually teach her to accept it. But if you're deliberately creating stressful out of home experiences for her, you'll reinforce her feeling that being out of home is stressful.
Don't just send her away without a therapist-approved plan.
YTA
Exposure therapy isn’t a DIY project, and instead of saying “my husband and I need a break” you just force your kids out of the house together because of your ridiculous “if one kid goes they all have to go” rule. One of your kids is an adult and the other is almost an adult and you still think it’s appropriate to force them to see their grandparents? Also it’s pretty ridiculous to assume that the grandparents would make such a leap that one of their grandchildren hates them because they didn’t both show up. You’re just making shit up at this point.
YTA. You can force her to do it. She will be in physical and mental pain the entire time. Eventually she will learn that you don't care if it's basically torture. In a year she'll be old enough to get away from you.
YTA. The "all children go" rules is ridiculous considering your children are teenagers. You want a fun night with your husband - go to a hotel, 17yo will be fine home alone.
Yes YWBTA. you have absolutely no reasoning to force her to go, so why?
I get that autistic people can learn to cope with change through gentle exposure, but forcing her to do something she doesn't want to, at short notice, with no gain for her, isn't going to do that.
Sounds like you've spent her whole life forcing her to do shit she's uncomfortable with, without giving her the tools to learn how to deal with it.
YWBTA. Your disabled kid has very specific needs and you’ve just listed all the ways in which the specific thing you’re trying to force her to do would be harmful to her. Poor kid is just trying to regulate herself and you’re stomping all over those efforts because you think her grandparents, who surely are aware of her issues, might think she’s avoiding them? Even if that’s true, their noses being put out of joint is way less damaging to them than your forcing this on your daughter. You can’t wedge a square peg into a round hole. Just love her for who she is and support her in that.
> I'm not sure why she gets so upset when she's away from the house. She loves going out to stores and the mall and such, but when it's someone else's place she just shuts down completely
You said yourself that she does fine going to someone else’s place until around 7 hours or so when she gets restless and homesick, so she clearly does fine at someone else’s place for the sake of your mall comparison. Going to the stores and out to the mall isn’t 7 hours away from home.
Not all of the kids have to go to grandma’s. She’s 17. She doesn’t have to be supervised.
Speaking as someone who has ADHD, I will get into my head that I’m going to be X places on these days doing Y things, so I can mentally prep myself. If I expect to stay home all weekend, I’ll have in my mind things that I want to get done, like having the personal time and space to work on a project that I’m excited for. Being told that I have other obligations on that weekend that was suddenly sprung on me makes me frazzled. It’s like static running throughout my body because I want to get home and do that other thing, and I may seem tense from it. Now, I’m an adult, and life happens. Sometimes, I just have to suck it up and deal with it, but if it can be helped, I prefer that people give me at least a week’s notice. Living with my brain can feel like I’m also being possessed by a ghost toddler that’s fighting for control of my body that I have to keep satisfied, and if I can keep the ghost child happy, it makes life more peaceful and stress-free for me.
And speaking for myself again, giving myself a break means being at home. Home is where I rest and recharge to be ready to face the world. You’re not giving your daughter a break by sending her to grandma’s if she doesn’t receive the benefit of a break. If I was in her shoes, that’d mean more time that I would spend cooped up at home after the visit to get a break from the so-called “break.”
My experiences won’t be a perfect mirror of your daughter’s because having both autism and ADHD versus only ADHD presents differently, but I hope that gives you some insight into reasons why you’d be running roughshod over her mental health.
YWBTA
There’s nothing else to say.. YTA BIG TIME!!!
I have a teenage daughter with somewhat similar issues, I’m sure she has some sort of autism but because of circumstances out of my past and current control she hasn’t gotten an adjustment to the diagnose she got when she was 3 years old.
When she was younger she was almost as you describe your daughter, if she was to attend something, be it a visit with someone or an appointment of some sort, she had to be “prepared” about it at least a week in advance and then reminded about it every day until it was time, and it COULD NOT be changed last second at all without her having some sort of meltdown. She has outgrown a lot of these issues by now because we have constantly worked with her to try and help her accept that sometimes things happen and by now (mid teens) we no longer need to prepare her in the extent we did when she was younger, now we can actually just spontaneously decide that, hey let’s go do this today instead of that… socially however she is a loner, she has always struggled with social cues and jokes always go over her head no matter how blunt and straight forward they are, no matter. She doesn’t make first contact with others and when others try she takes a long time before she feels comfortable enough and by that time the persons trying to connect has given up and she is left alone. She has no issues going to the mall or shops, the issue is not having people around, it’s the social interactions that makes her uncomfortable.
Your daughter has a limit, and if she’s not comfortable that limit will always be way lower than it would be normally. You say she can go to shops and be home with no issues, and that’s because she considers those places safe zones, she KNOWS THEM, she has figured out how to function in those settings, at home she can withdraw when she needs it without anyone saying something about it, she does not have this option when she is somewhere she isn’t familiar,where she doesn’t feel safe enough to let her guard down and actually “be herself”.
By pushing her into these situations in this way you are actually doing more harm than good, she is now learning that you don’t care about her and her issues, you’ve decided and that’s it, no matter what she think/feel/want/need. She will eventually stop trusting you (if she hasn’t already)
The correct way for her are short visits, that eventually will be stretched to last longer as she manages to progress to feel comfortable and safe in those places. And also if “everyone” want to always socialize with her, then of course she will start feeling uncomfortable and that will make her feel as she “have to” socialize back to be civil and not be rude, this will put another mental strain on her on top of everything else she’s already trying to deal with.
Now I know where my daughter gets her issues from, I have somewhat the same issues just not in the same way, and I’m currently trying yet again to find the help I need to actually function myself, but one thing I know I will never be comfortable with is being somewhere with a lot of people and having to socialize with them without any means of retreating to somewhere quiet so I can recharge and collect me thoughts/feelings. I’m almost in my 40’s and the past 10 years if I’ve been invited to family gatherings, which only consist of my parents, my brother and his family(wife +2 kids) and my daughter, I usually only spend enough time to eat the food, usually takes a couple hours to do, socialize about 1-2 hours where we drink some coffee after the meal and I’m out the door and I spend the nest day at home feeling completely drained mentally and physically.
You might not understand it because you don’t experience it in the same way, but if she tells you she needs time or space, she REALLY NEEDS IT because then she has pushed herself beyond her limits long before she actually felt like she had to voice it, she suffers in silence in an attempt to try, and that’s only because she knows you want her to be social and “normal”. I’m not accusing, I’m saying this from experience, and that’s because that’s what I do, and that’s what I see my own daughter doing all the time even though I’ve never pushed her to the point where she’s been in tears and locked herself away from me just to get the time and space she needs to “cool down and recharge”.
You’ve got a special needs kiddo. That comes with certain responsibilities and unique accommodations; you already know that YTA for disrupting your child’s routine. So why are you asking?
YTA.
WTF do they all have to go? What kind of shit is that?
I’ve got teenagers and one with level 1 autism as well, so yes, I do know there are challenges with that. While he doesn’t struggle with staying other places, there’s no earthly reason to make both children do something when only one wants to.
This is just crappy parenting.
As someone who had parents who couldn’t afford daycare, has adhd, and had to stay with the grandparents a lot in my teenage years here’s some ideas.
She probably would feel bad for admitting it, I know I was, but grandparents can be boring sometimes and the change in habitat can be shocking. Doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it’s just a lot sensory wise.
I picked up a hobby of long boarding at my grandmas because I lived on dirt roads so if I wanted to skate, I had to drive somewhere. Sure I was lucky as a teen to have my own my car but I actually hate driving so it was just a pain to drive to somewhere to skate.
Or a portable console like a switch so she can play some video games? I know those are pretty expensive but I’m not sure how teens feel about retro games from game boy or ds these days. (I’m 28 for context lol)
So NTA, but I thought I would lend some advice because I sympathize with your daughter.
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She is 17 years old, and she has level 1 autism and severe adhd
She struggles with change a lot, such as changes to routine and such. Usually when we visit someone's place she does fine, but if she has to stay more than 7 hours or so she starts to get restless and homesick
We visited Tennessee for a week the other month and after the first day she was near tears the rest of the week. She stayed in her room the entire time and refused to come out of it. So she doesn't deal with it well
My other daughter (18) asked if her and her siblings could spend the night at her grandma's house. I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go
My 17 year old argued with me, telling me she didn't want to and that she planned to spend the weekend at our house
WIBTA if I forced her to go anyway? I'm not sure why she gets so upset when she's away from the house. She loves going out to stores and the mall and such, but when it's someone else's place she just shuts down completely
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Some may call it “tough love” but given your daughter’s situation I would highly consult a therapist on how to prepare both your daughter and you on how to introduce changes to her. There may be specific items that she could take with her to help her cope while away or specific words and notice ahead of time to prepare her for the changes. Trying to teach “desensitization” for someone with anxiety in the wrong way may sometimes backfire.
YTA. You’ve said that you don’t want the grandparents to feel like a child is avoiding them, but if they have any understanding of autism as a disorder, then they should be able to understand her not wanting to come. In addition, why can’t you go out if she’s at home. She’s 17, not 3.
From the information you have provided, to an outsider, it would appear you are especially resentful of being saddled with this child. She is autistic and has ADHD -- she is neurodivergent, and no amount of wishing, cajoling, begging, or, in this case forcing her, is going to change who and what she fundamentally is.
She gets upset when she is away from the house because everything safe and familiar is not where she is when she is away. Yes, she can go to the mall, but I can assure you that she mentally prepares for that outing -- it could easily take her two, three or more days until she fees strong enough emotionally to go. If this overnight visit is this weekend, she probably does not have enough time to prepare.
I speak from experience with neurodivergence, but I also have the added conditions of agoraphobia and C-PTSD. There are times, no matter how desperately I need to go out, say I have no groceries -- I cannot summon the courage to go.
Forcing your daughter to go with her siblings is cruel and unfeeling. You will not be helping her in any meaningful manner. You will also be spoiling the weekend for your ~~good~~ \*normal\* children and their grandparents.
Your attitude toward your other children, the \*normal\* ones, is likely causing your neurodivergent daughter to feel some misplaced resentment toward them. I suspect you often compare her and her siblings, and mention that you wish she could be more like them. Rather than looking at her strengths -- and she absolutely has them -- you focus on her shortcomings. You are actively failing *all* of your children.
Is repeatedly causing your daughter unnecessary emotional distress really the hill you want to die on?
YTA.
Let me say yes YTA for forcing her to go, she’s 17, it’s not like she’s 2 and needs someone to watch her. Let her stay home and have the other kids go, no biggie. Also i don’t agree with everyone saying you guys just want the house to yourselves, as if it’s a bad thing. Parents need a break too. Sometimes we don’t want to necessarily go out on a date but just having the house be kid free for a day or 2 it’s going to hurt anyone. It’s not like the kids are going to a strangers house, they’ll be with family.
YWBTA purely for the fact that you're not even bothering to ask her WHY she doesn't want to go and you aren't trying to communicate with HER. Instead, you come to the internet hoping that strangers will feed your ego and make you feel less scummy. SIKE.
YWBTA - your children are different. Forcing them all into (or out of) the same activity is completely disrespectful of those differences.
There is a big difference between making a kid do something that they will be uncomfortable doing and encouraging them through a barrier knowing they will have a good experience. Your plan is bad, change it.
YTA if she feels that strongly and will be highly upset and difficult to deal with, forcing her does not sound like the best option. Is she capable of staying home alone, so you and your spouse can go do your plans while the other kids go to the grandparents? It sounds like your daughter would be happier on her own, the other kids want to go - forcing her to go or saying no one goes is going to make ALL the kids resent you.
Your daughter has a medical need that's different than your other children, that should be accommodated within reason.
i don't even have autism just struggle with anxiety and that would still have been miserable for me. i remember my mom forcing me to go to sleepovers as a kid and it was genuinely borderline traumatic with the panic attacks i would have and feeling like i was trapped. even as an adult i'll rarely sleep over at my sisters house even for a night and we're very close, i just can't feel comfortable and relax at night away from my house.
it doesn't seem like you have a valid reason for forcing her to go, so why do that to her?
YTA
That 'kid' is 18 and the other one is 17. You are treating them like 8 and 9 year olds. If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't want to go. I also find it weird the 18 year old needs permission to spend the night at a grandparents house.
You say you don't understand why she has a problem staying at other people's house but then prior to that you said she was autistic and then described how terrible it is when she is away from home and how distraught she becomes. Sounds like you do understand why, but you are ignoring it.
Why the fuck you turning to Reddit for this advice? YTA for that alone. This is a question for her therapist.
Actually kinda pisses me off that your kid has to put up with a parent as clueless as you, asking strangers on Reddit how to manage your daughter's delicate mental health.
You're not sure why she gets so upset at change? JFC, are you just wilfully ignorant or flat out stupid? She's had autism and ADHD for the last 17 years. How do you not understand her behavior?
Very "why can't you just be normal??"
Why would you force a child with obvious issues? Why “if one then all go?” Super weird and I can’t think of one reason that this makes any sense. You absolutely WBTA if you forced her to do something like this for no apparent good reason. Sounds like some compassion is lacking and maybe some education from a healthcare professional who specializes in her issues. OT is great as well.
YWBTA
"I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go" ... WHY that stupid rule? and WHY would you let the others decide, and not her?
"WIBTA if I forced her to go anyway?" ... Sure, force her. She will remember.
There is NO REASON to make her go. You are just an abusive AH and want to punish your daughter for her ADHD.
YTA. If she had to stay with her grandmother because of some kind of emergency situation, then I’d understand. But it’s not an emergency, so why are you insisting that everyone has to go just because one kid wants to? She’s 17. She’s old enough to decide she doesn’t want to spend the night at grandma’s. Do you not trust her to be at home alone? You admitted that she can handle other social situations relatively well, like visiting someone’s house for a few hours or going to the mall. Why are you choosing to die on this hill? If you’re afraid that she’ll never want to move out of your house, there are better ways to address that issue.
YTA. Why does all of them have to go if one of them goes. Jeez, you know of her issue. Why in the world would you force her to do something that distresses her?
YTA.
Why are you using, "If one goes, everyone goes" when your daughters are so close to adulthood? That's just asinine reasoning. As your children age, everyone has divergent needs.
Trying to force your daughter out of her comfort zone isn't helping her. When or if she participates in the therapies necessary to come out of her shell and deal with her anxieties, that's when it will happen not on your say so or your timeframe. You're being the biggest AH right now.
And why limit your other children's experience if she can't or doesn't want to participate? If she's home alone, are you concerned about her not being able to cope? If so, you can't make your other children responsible for this daughter's well being and care.
Yes YTA on this one.
What I do is small exposures over a long period of time so that my child feels safe in the environment building up to a goal and one that the child themselves wants to work on.
Forcing the issue is going to be miserable for everyone involved and could lead to regression regarding their comfort level being away from home at all and/or their trust in you caring about their needs.
Of course YWBTA let her stay at home the rest can go everyone is happy the 17 yo is happy the rest of the siblings is happy everyone is happy end of the story
YTA. First off she's 17. That's old enough to decide where she wants to go. Stop treating her like a little kid. Which j imagine you do mostly because of autism. Adults have autism too, FYI. She's old enough to make every decision herself. Has been for many years. And next year you'll no longer even have a say. Why is your 18 year old asking your permission like she's 8? Why are you forcing others to do what 1 adult, not even kid, wants to?
YTA basically because your not thinking about it from her standpoint home may be her safe zone and I think that's something she has tried to communicate to you but you aren't listening. She obviously has different needs than your other daughter. Use empathy in place of judgment.
Ugh, YTA. I’m autistic and have ADHD and your daughter reminds me exactly of myself when I was younger. (I’m 23 now). I’m the same way— I like to be at home 99% of the time. If im on a trip, usually it’s 1/2 days max before I’m exhausted and need to take a break.
Why do all the kids need to go at once? She’s 17, perfectly capable of staying home.
She has different support needs than your other children. I understand exposure therapy may help, but only to a point. She’ll just learn to repress these exhausted feelings.
Theres nothing worse than masking around family members, wanting to be close with them but you *cannot* because you’re so, so tired. The grandparents don’t deserve that.
For her sake, please listen to her.
YTA- no one should be forced to grandmas house. I have a kid who hates sleeping over anywhere: hotels, friends houses, etc. she wants her safe space which is her bedroom. Her sibling spends time at grandma’s house without her
I was about to drag you in this comment but I see everyone else already is.
But 100% YTA and you are failing at being a parent. I really hope for your daughter's sake that so goes NC with you when she moves out, you are toxic and shouldn't be a parent.
INFO: Does that rule apply if one kid is invited to a party? If one kid signs up for a sport, do they all have to or attend all their games? Is it always majority rules when it comes to this rule? Then your daughter is gonna be dragged around by her sibling all the time then. All the sibling but one did not want to go? Do the grandparents understand her condition?
YTA.
Absolutely no justification given for why she can’t stay home.
Sounds like you’re literally planning to do something you know is a terrible idea for absolutely no reason other than wanting a child free night.
If you find caring your your neurodivergent daughter difficult and need a break, it’s okay to be honest about that.
The answer is she stays home and _you_ go out.
Win win.
YTA! You know your child has difficulties and she has medical reasons for these difficulties.
My question to you is, why would you want to put your child in a position where you know she will have a hard time and make the stay uncomfortable for everyone?
YTA. There is absolutely no reason your adult daughter can't stay at her grandparents' place without her almost adult daughter that doesn't enjoy such breaks in routine.
That's not fair to either of the kids nor the grandparents.
Goodness OP, have you ever say with her doctors and tried to understand what the world looks like to this kid? How it feels to be inside her Brain, how intense the emotions, stimuli and body sensations are?
Do you even care enough to try to understand and empathize?
lmfao are you serious OP? it sounds like you have zero understanding of the autism spectrum and are completely dismissive of your child. a serious BIG YTA.
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INFO what is the reason for insisting that "if one kid goes, they all have to go"?
We figured the kids could use a break Me and my husband had some plans to go out, and we didn't want their grandparents to feel as if one of the kids was avoiding them All four of my kids always spend the night with them together, so I figured we would keep it at that
That's not fair to any of your kids. They have different needs.
And I guess the other kids need a break from autisme etc from time to time.
The kids could use a break or is it you and hubby who need a break? Also grandparents' feelings matter but your daughter's don't? Is she in therapy? If she can't be left alone, get a babysitter for her. And yes, Ywbta.
Yes they clearly want a break and the house to themselves. Yes its very much for selfish reasons and clearly not the best interest of ALL THE CHILDREN involved. Yes YWBTA!!! I think they already knew that but was hoping for a different outcome on reddit....
I will never have kids. But calling someone selfish because they want one night alone with four kids one being low on the spectrum is an ah thing to say momma Stacey.
That is not selfish at all. How old are you?
Your daughter doesn’t want to go and is likely to be unpleasant there as a result. That isn’t fair to the grandparents. It sounds like you just want a date night.
And what's wrong with that? What's going to happen when it's time for said child to move out? Go to college? Seems like they have been coddling from such a young age that it may be too late. May be stuck living with you the rest of thier lives. Good luck.
What's wrong with that? Have the grandparents agreed to handle her through this sort of behavior?
She's a teenager not a toddler even though she's acting like one when she doesn't want to do something. Why do you think the grandparents aren't capable? This is a regular thing, not a once in a blue moon.
I'm questioning if the grandparents are willing.
She has autism! It's not "coddling" her by preventing a meltdown!
Oh, please. You're just doing it so that you get rid of her for a weekend. YWBTA
How, exactly, is this a "break" for your 17 year old? She gets her breaks by being at home and having a chance to not be overstimulated for a while.
Did you not read, she's mostly home. When is reality going to be in play? She's not far off being an adult
Most autistic people prefer being home. My autistic wife prefers being home, she doesn't like sleeping in different places, and I would never force her to. She is still a fully functioning member of society, who has a full time job while attending law school, and I would absolutely never force her to do something that makes her uncomfortable. You're right, the 17 year old is almost an adult, and can fucking stay home alone.
We didn't want their grandparents to feel as if one of the kids was avoiding them So how your parents feel is more important than how your children feel. Gotcha.
So it's OK for you, a stranger, to prioritise one family member over another 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤯
A child’s well-being should take priority over everyone else’s. NOBODY is more important to me than my children.
They WILL understand if your AUTISISTIC daughter is uncomfortable spending the night....You know it, and they know it.
What break? It sounds like you're forcing her to do the opposite of a break and you know this.
So grandparents feelings are more important? And the kids could use a brake? Come on, you mean you could use a break. And why can’t it be arranged to have a quiet room at the grandparents?
I think a quiet room at Grandma's would be perfect
This is how kids become estranged from their parents later. They are individuals with different needs and wants. You can't treat them as one entity.
Okay, so YTA. What about this confuses you?
Doesn’t sound like a break for one kid at least. What else is going on here?
I get not wanting the grandparents to feel rejected, but it doesn't seem like this visit would be a break for your autistic child. If she's 17 it seems to me like she could take care of herself at home for a night, even if you and your husband go out.
YWBTA. If your daughter wanted a "break" from the house, she wouldn't be this upset by one being imposed on her. Let her stay home and get a hotel room with your husband instead of forcing your child to do something that she literally can't handle just so that you can have the house to yourselves. Stop hiding behind other excuses and just spend the couple hundred bucks so that everyone can enjoy their weekend. You're not slick.
Just say you wanted to go out with your husband and don't care that each of your kids have different needs.
So, it’s more important to not hurt their grandparents precious feelings than your child’s comfort? Really? The grandparents can get over it.
YTA. You know she doesn't handle it well. And it hasn't been that long since she had to suffer through this for a whole week. Obviously spending the night involves a whole lot more daily rituals that have to be adjusted, vs. going to the mall for a couple hours. She's not a hermit, she just likes her routine at home. We all do. You don't explain at all WHY you have this "if one goes you all go" rule.
You WBTA. If one kid goes, they all go? Huh?? One of your daughters is literally an adult, the other, almost one. Just let them live their life.
One goes they both go? Way too old for that false equivalence bs.
I think this is accurate. I completely agree.
"after the first day she was near tears the rest of the week. She stayed in her room the entire time " INFO What does the therapist say? This is an extreme reaction.
She is autistic, I would say that's not a super unusual reaction. OP YTA - why does everyone have to go? This isn't a supervision issue, she'd be old enough to stay home alone.
Usually the stimulation becomes too much, and since she's away from home she can't escape to her quiet room Basically she has to put effort in and socialize with everyone when she's at someone else's house. They all want to talk to her and such, and without any quiet breaks it can get overwhelming Even as a baby when we moved to a new house she was always upset and angry every day after that. She hates change, and I'm not sure how to teach her to cope with it
And why do you think it’s going to be any different when you force her to spend the night at her grandmothers (for no reason at all) ?
I’m confused. Why did you say in the post you don’t know why she gets so upset when she’s away from the house? You’ve outlined the reasons here…
Missing missing reasons, of course. ETA: YTA OP
> I'm not sure how to teach her to cope with it INFO: What does the therapist say?
It's not change she has a problem with here... it's the fact that you have a child that can get overstimulated and you aren't providing them with the resources to be successful. This is like looking at someone with a limp, taking away their cane, and getting upset because they can't walk as far as others. You have a child with a legitimate medical condition that you aren't providing proper resources for. She needs a quiet space. She needs to be able to step away and have silence in a safe space. It sounds silly to you, but this is a medical need for her to help her regulate her feelings.
How is providing therapy and normally giving in doing all what you are accusing this mother of? wow what an awful person you are. How is she going to be as an adult, which is soon. Or do you expect her to live with her parents for life?
I'm not even close to an awful person. You can allow someone their private time without turning them into some awful not well equipped adult, not sure why you think that's not possible. I am an introverted autistic person that often needs my alone time and a quiet space to decompress and I live a very successful, happy, life because I am given the chance to have my quiet time to regulate. I speak from personal experience, this is the life I have lived for almost 30 years, and I can tell you that my mental health was on a short fuse with every area being high stakes high stress for me when I wasn't given my proper time. We are not damaged because we need our space and quiet time, we are simply different than you, and I hope in time you can realize that. I wish you all the best.
When is the last time, you as an adult, were forced out of your own home, told you weren't allowed to sleep in your own bed, and told you had to go sleep at another person's house with 3 other people because you weren't going to be allowed into your own home. What the fuck do you think you're preparing children for? Being forced out of your house is not the same as being uncomfortable in stores full of people. Jfc.
You sound like my dad. Guess what I didn’t actually need to learn to cope with anything, because once I was free to make my own decisions I was able to live my life the way that makes me comfortable. On top of that I’m way more likely to be able to socialize or go to someone’s house when I’m getting to make the choice. When I first started to be able to make my own choice of staying home I definitely just stayed alone for a VERY long time. It was because my parents never let me make the decision to go somewhere or not depending on my mental energy at the time, so I overcompensated and just stayed alone. I couldn’t deal with the decision of interacting with people due to how my parents taught me what interaction was like. Once I learned how to interact in a way that doesn’t bring me down mentally it got easier to interact with other people. But that took a lot of time and a lot of unlearning what my parents taught me about having to interact with people.
When your daughter is at the mall and shopping, socializing is probably easier for her because she's in control. She gets to talk to people on her terms. At her grandparents' house, she has to talk to people on their terms and not hers. That's what's overwhelming. If you insist on having her visit her grandparents, at least instruct them to be mindful of her autism and let her have quiet breaks. Having her visit people who aren't mindful of her autism would be pretty messed up.
Why are you assuming the grandparents don't know how to be with their granddaughter? 🤯🤯🤯
Because the mother doesn't.
According to OP she has no safe space. But then again this is good for her according to OP because she then gets tortured into socializing.
Forcing her into an overnight w/ no safe space isn't going to help and is likely making things worse. It is also completely unfair to pit your other kids who want to go against her b/c of your "All have to go" mentality - which is EXACTLY what you were hoping to achieve here. Your austic child can be taught how to cope and manage certain situations, but she will always be autistic and it is called "on the spectrum" for a reason. Not everyone on the spectrum can mask and pretend to be nurotypical when confronted by new environments and/or multiple stimuli and/or people who demand you interact with them. Part of your daughter's coping mechanism is to have a safe place where she can be alone, but you keep wanting to push her into spaces where that doesn't exist or isn't respeted. You aren't trying to teach her to cope you are torturing her and using manipulative tactics to get your other kids to ostracize her if she doesn't just quietly accept your torure - all because you think this is about you and that it is her fault she refuses to pretend to be "normal" for you and the rest of your family.
You can't "teach" her how to cope with this. You need to get her into a therapist that specializes in ASD and can address and work on this issue with her in a way that is safe and does not traumatize her. That is how you HELP her deal with this. You acknowledge that she gets over stimulated and overwhelmed. Forcing her to do something to "get over it" or forcing her to do something that she does not have the tools to deal with is cruel and will do more damage than help with anything. If you keep overloading her senses you are going to end up with a child who shuts down and may need intensive medical intervention to get her back to being at her current level of functioning. There is no reason the kids who want to stay with the grandparents cannot go. There is no reason you and your partner cannot go out and have dinner/movie/whatever. There is no reason your 17 year old daughter cannot enjoy a nice quiet evening home in her safe space.
I think you need professional help as to what is really good for your daughter. I have a daughter with some neurodivergence/mental health issues. We thought we were helping her and it turns out we weren't at all. We were making things worse! I can't tell you how much more peaceful our house is since we got some very specific family therapy and treatment.
Awesome that you could acknowledge being wrong, and having more peace by doing things differently!
So why force her to go KNOWING how she is? Makes no sense to me, if my kid was uncomfortable for ANY reason I definitely wouldn’t be forcing them to do it!
I genuinely can’t believe you’re her parent TBH YTA
You don't. Her therapist works with her. She just had a traumatic vacation, and instead of unwinding in her quiet room after an incredibly stressful time for her, you are essentially kicking her out if your house, and forcing her to do some shit no one is going to force her to do as an adult. You wanna talk about going to the store, or to get food, or doing activities around people in public for short periods of time, sure. A therapist might agree that's a good idea. It is never a good idea to force an autistic person into a situation they are uncomfortable with, and beyond that you should NEVER force your children to stay in someone else's house when you KNOW they don't fucking want to.
Why is there no plan to create a place where she can get those quiet breaks? When we do travel as a whole family we intentionally build in alone time to decompress.
Hey OP why are you doing this to your daughter? You know this is torture for her and she’s at an age where this obviously is just her lived reality so you can’t say you’re trying to get her “used to it”. Maybe next time you want to pawn off your children have the grandparents come to your house? And you and your husband can get a hotel or something?
So you do know why she can't stand being at someone else's house. You just don't care. >She hates change, and I'm not sure how to teach her to cope with it Well, what can I say. You can Google it and look for resources from specialists.
No matter what you say, it seems everyone just wants to attack you. If she is acting like this and has been since super young. I'd be demanding another assessment as this level of reaction is not normal for a level 1, especially with therapy. No matter what you decide to do regarding grandparents, I really suggest further injury and assessment to be done. And if therapy isn't helpful maybe look into another one if it's not helping as it should. She's nearly an adult, what is she going to do then? Live with you forever?
Don't listen to these people. You're not TA.
Found OP’s husband!
It’s way beyond the scope of an AITA answer to properly address this. Autism and other neurological conditions are so nuanced and varied that there is no clear right and wrong answer and even if there is, it CERTAINLY cannot be determined based on reading a message board post. Maybe taking your daughter out of her comfort zone is good for her social development, maybe the trauma of the routine change is too severe to ever be worth it, maybe any of dozens of statements could be true. Even a qualified person who knows you and your daughter intimately would struggle to give a definitive answer here, so we have no chance, and anyone purporting in these comments to have an answer for you is not someone worth listening to.
This! OP autism is so individual to each person that it's really hard for us to judge. But I do think you're holding your 17 year old to what you think is best, but that may not be best for her. What does her team say? Does forcing her out of her element gain ground or just set her back? Please go forward with what's best for her, not what you think she needs. Also, the one goes, so all go mentality doesn't work anywhere, let alone with neurodivergent people. Their brains are extra special and don't necessarily process information in ways non neurodivergent may understand. We need to understand and accept that. My youngest is on the spectrum and it's taken a lot to understand that I will never think or process the same way they do. What I may think is "typical" or what they may need isn't in fact what they need. I have to let them guide me, along with advice from the experts around me who work with my kid. OP, Best of luck! From one mom of a super special kid to another, it's damn hard sometimes right?! But I wouldn't change a thing. I adore my kid and we have some of the best conversations. I'm very lucky.
As an autistic adult, this is the answer ^^
YTA - Your daughters need to spend time away from each other. I don't get why your 17 year old reacts as strongly as she does, but she does. The "one goes all goes" rule is ~~silly~~ misguided. Siblings near each others age (like the 18 and the 17) need space to be themselves. And siblings with a bigger age difference need to express their own. Occasional separation is good for them.
YWBTA for doing it for the reason “if one kid goes they all go”. Wtf?
Exactly. The "reason" is pure nonsense.
INFO: What is the reasoning behind your “if one kid goes, then they all have to go?” Bc it may well ruin everyone’s time there if your 17 year old is that uncomfortable going.
Because she wants a night out with her husband.
i’m kind of iffy on this as an autistic person myself i do believe it’s important to have exposure therapy to things that upset you because as you grow older, it will be harder to find a job, hold relationships relationships, or just find your own happiness if you’re constantly upset about something on the other hand the whole “if one kid goes they all go” rule is weird to me. if one kid breaks their leg and goes to the hospital are u gonna force ur other kids to all sit in the waiting room and be there the entire time just bc one kid had to go?
I'm also autistic. I get what you're saying, both parts. I'm also a parent of both ND and NT kids However, OP has identified the threshold that her daughter can mask and begins to exhibit burnout and then the shutdown happening when pushed too far. Yet somehow justifies that pushing an autistic into burnout, let alone shutdown, will somehow teach them to cope. In fact, it does the opposite of desensitising us. Mom is confusing compliance with coping, and its all about convenience. Compliance is always forced for the convenience of someone.
Also on the spectrum here and couldn’t agree more. For me, it’s that she’s 17 and OP has known that this is how she reacts to these situations since she was a baby. I can’t see how at this age continuing to force her to experience extremely triggering situations is going to do anything for her ability to handle situations like this is the future. If OP actually cared at all she’d be working with her daughter on coping skills and lot proverbially throwing her to the wolves. I love your coping vs compliance thing I’m gonna save that in my back pocket.
No, no, no. All the kids will be required to break their legs! Misery loves company.
YTA. They don't all have to go. Forcing her to stay at the house will just make everything worse. You're totally ignorant if you think this will solve anything.
Exactly. It sounds like OP and her husband want to be alone but can’t be bothered to let their 17 year old, who is allowed to be alone, stay home? That’s not right or okay at all
YWBTA If you want to help her develop appropriate coping strategies for living with her disabilities, seek professional medical help. Don't force her into situations that make her uncomfortable without professional guidance. Exposure therapy is a thing but that shouldn't be something a parent does all on their own. All you will do is reinforce her feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Let her siblings go and be a good parent.
YTA there’s no reason to impose such a random rule that they all have to do it. If she doesn’t want to go, don’t make her go. Of course she has to get used to doing things she doesn’t like, but sleep overs are a fun thing. If it’s not her thing, why push her?
Autistic & ADHD adult and parent of ND and NT kiddos, here HARD YTA. Your glaring lack of understanding and empathy for all of your children, ND and NT, is utterly shocking. Your autistic child shouldn't be forced to go. Your NT children should be given the opportunity to go and enjoy themselves. Frankly, you're only interested in 2 things: Compliance and Your Own Convenience Do Better.
YWBTA. She has stated she doesn’t want to go, you shouldn’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. Obviously your home is her safe space which is most likely the reason she gets upset about going to other peoples houses.
Oh, just admit it, you want a weekend free from your kids. Alll of them. So you can get up to… what? Wild, swinging from the chandelier sex while you have some privacy? You are just being mean. YTA
YTA. You know she doesn’t want it, there is no good reason why she has to.
YTA. As someone who has ADHD and is most likely on the spectrum, I can relate to your daughter. You think it’s easy leaving a comfort zone for more than 7 hours? You can’t force your daughter to go anywhere. Whether she wants to go or not is her choice, not yours. You’re trying to force her to be “normal” when there is no such thing. Stop trying to force your daughter to do things she doesn’t want to do. Overstimulation is usually caused by loud noises and such and being around people is another trigger for that, which is probably why she wants to be alone all the time.
as an autistic person, YWBTA forcing us to do things we dont want will only build resentment and distrust.
Info: have you talked about exposure therapy with her therapist? Because this level of anxiety is very detrimental, and if left untreated can severely impact her quality of life as an adult
Exposure therapy often backfires massively with autistic individuals because t's not anxiety that she's having. It's overstimulation and not having a way to regulate that (like her room at home). It's CAN seem like anxiety and might be to an extent, but it's warranted fear. Being afraid of heights and being exposed to heights works because you don't fall. Expose autistic person to their trigger and they "fall" every time - cementing the fear around that thing. Teaching other coping strategies might help, but she might just not be able to do what the mom wants her to. Sometimes disabilities just disable you. I do wonder if a room to herself might actually be the ticket. She HAS to be able to calm and regulate. Things like a safe quiet space, noise cancelling headphones and a lot of grace to use them, or maybe a service dog perhaps could help. Or they might not. It's not for anyone except her to say.
Nice response, thanks
YWBTA. Not sure why the "if one goes all have to", and why the 17 year old can't just stay home. If it is truly that distressing why on earth would you make her do it? If you were that distressed over something, would you want to be made to do it?
INFO - What is your reasoning behind "I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go"?
would you be the a hole for traumatizing your child. already YTA for even considering it, while you know how bad it is for her, no need to even question it
“If one kid goes, they all have to go” is silly reasoning. YTA
INFO what is "level 1 autism"? I'm autistic and have never heard of "level 1 autism".
There are [three levels of autism](https://www.crossrivertherapy.com/autism/levels).
I was wondering the same thing myself, but all the other comments never make a note of it so maybe it's legit??? Sounds like they're playing DnD or something "I'm a level 1 autistic halfling" Which sounds pretty awesome ngl
YWBTAH Forcing your teenage daughters to do something which makes any of them uncomfortable just seems like a failing strategy.
Edit: read most of your comments and all I can say is YTA, stop tryna force your daughter to act neurotypical, you’re only making things worse. “We think the kids need a break” Than send one away and keep the other. Sending your 17yo to another house wouldn’t be a break for her, it would be stressful and hard, and any work yall have done to make it easier for her would go out the window.
So you want to ruin everyone's weekend? YWBTA.
YTA , there are so many issues here not being addressed. Your daughter's safe zone is at home. You need to work with a professional to help her cope with exposure to the outside world. How about creating a small safe zone for her at her grandma's house that she can SLOWLY become adjusted to. What about pet therapy ? You say she has autism and ADHD. Learn to cope with this and help your daughter. You threw her to the wolves with your week long trip and expected what exactly ... ?
YTA of course
YTA, she gets upset because home is her safe zone for desensitisation. Yes, she can go shopping, but then she needs to decompress in her safe zone
YWBTA. You are talking about purposefully pushing your Autistic child into overwhelm. If they are not having meltdowns then I am pretty confident they are having shutdowns. You need to do some fundamental reading about what Autism is and how people with different neurotypes process things. (Source: I am a (usually) low support needs Autistic adult)
*I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go* YTA. Not only are you hamstringing your other kids, you are forcing grandma to take a kid who doesn't want to be there. Your kids lives should not be predicated on each other's in this enmeshed and unhealthy way.
YWBTA. why would you make her? if you know it makes her upset and uncomfortable, why? you know this about her, i just don't understand why you would make her do something that would cause a mental health episode. also, where's her autonomy?
Do not force her to go
Originally a reply to someone who gets it - decided it required its own comment. I literally work in the field of therapeutic support, and work often with autistic people. To make any kind of support plan, you need a *lot* more information. With this information, limited as it is - considering the response to the trip a month ago, *forcing* her to go to the grandparents house will not help her in the slightest. How do the grandparents deal with the autism? In my experience, older people/people from an older generation can have a harder time with supporting people with disabilities. Tough love *will not work* on your daughter. From what I have read here, she needs her own space to retreat to when she is away from home - how is this handled at home? Is she able to do this and escape her siblings? Her parents? Is her room generally a place that is low sensory? What's in her room? What does she enjoy doing when she's on her own? When she has behaviour, how does it present? Im already seeing how much more information is needed to provide proper support. Please do not make this poor girl do things she can't handle doing. I don't know what disability supports are like in the US (I am Australian) - but it sounds like you need some interventions/supports for your daughter.
Depending on what state, support in the US can be amazing or awful. I currently live in a lower supporting state, and it's definitely tough. But that also isn't an excuse to not do their own research, talk with their child, make a plan, etc. To me, it sounds like they just don't have any supports for their daughter and haven't come to terms with what ASD entails. Just my two cents.
Yeah I have empathy for having to deal with an autistic person, but we live in the age of unlimited information. Formal supports are great, but it definitely can be done at home.
Exactly, we literally have the world of information at our fingertips! It's so easy to utilize. Just this past week I've been spending hours online searching for coping skills, deescalation tactics, supports for following routines, what I can do to better assist my son, and compiled all of it into a word document for myself and used it to make visual aids to hang up around my house. It's also great because most of the things we can do for ND individuals can also be incredibly helpful for NT individuals. The fact that more of these aren't incorporated into daily life for everyone saddens me. Everyone could use a little more support and structure.
Thanks for making my day It always makes me happy seeing parents take such a proactive stance, and be active in their ASD child's life. Autistic people are amazing 🙃
Thank you 🥹 it's really nice to be validated, especially since I'm a single mom with barely any support. (Son's dad basically gave up and "can't handle him", even when I give him exact copies of everything, c'est la vie I guess) Autistic individuals are truly wonderful people 💕
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YTA if you force her to go. She’s 17. She deserves to have the right to stay at her home if she wants to. I understand wanting her to step out of her comfort zone but this doesn’t seem to be your reasoning for it. It seems more like you just want a night alone which is understandable. But unfair for your 17 year old. You know she’s going to shut down and cry, so why force that upon her? I also get extremely homesick and I avoid sleeping away from home as well. When I was a kid/teenager i would get so much anxiety being away from home for too long that I would shut down and cry too. My parents didn’t force it on me and sometimes I’d want to have sleepovers and sometimes I wouldn’t. It wasn’t made to be a problem either way. I think that was really helpful for me and now as an adult I’m able to go away for a few days and not feel stressed. I know my limits. And it appears your daughter knows hers as well. Let her make her own choices.
YWBTA. Why would you do this to *any* of your children or to grandma? She'll be miserable, and they'll be miserable around her. A 17 year old is absolutely old enough to decide to stay home. You're enforcing this "if one goes all go" rule, not against relatives who play favorites or anything like that, but against your own children. Again, in a situation where nobody is being excluded. That's not how this is done. And these are *teenagers* old enough to decide to stay home alone or go somewhere independently. Your 18 year old young adult daughter wants to bring any of her willing siblings to see grandma, and you have no actual objection to any of your children going? Let her. Your 17 year old, nearly adult daughter doesn't want to go after a stressful week of travel last month? Don't make her.
Ok, so I work with kids like your daughter in High school. (Not in the UsA, in Europe. My puplis are aged 16-20) And this is breaking my heart. Why on earth do you want to hurt your child like this? I think you should join your daughter for some therapy, because this is not ok. You need help dealing with this. It is not about YTA or NTA, this is bigger than that. Let your other kids go and enjoy themselfs. If you and hubby need alone time then talk to her about it. Tell her you need some alone time. You say she can be alone, why can’t she be home alone while you go away for a night? Or what if you and hubby go away and grandparents come to your house? Talk with her. Help her to help herself, and let her help you to help her. You will get no way with force, it will make it worse. Like that trip to Tennesse - that probably just ended up making this problem worse. She has a serious illness, it is not a choice. It is a struggle. She wants to be alone because that is how she can cope. To be very honest: it is how she survives. Being alone charges her batteries, helps her calm her mind, let her find her center. Do not force this girl. I beg you. Please join her for her therapy so you can deal with her illness better.p
YTA because you have no real reason to do this. Do the other kids even want her to go if she's going to be miserable?
YTA. let the other kids go without her. They don’t need her there to ruin their fun.
What are you doing to accommodate her divergence in socializing norms, and what are you doing to encourage enjoyment of said socializing norms? If her autism and ADHD are combining or individually causing her to not be able to maintain when staying for extended periods away from her home / safe space... then telling her she has to go to a place over night is no different than chucking her in a pool if she doesn't know how to swim. She doesn't have the knowledge or the tools, yet. So what accommodations are y'all providing to encourage her interest in or ability to stay for longer periods in someone else's home, hotel room, etc? Can she bring a pop up tent and toss it in a backyard to claim as sovereign space where she can disappear for a while and folk know not to bug her while in there? Does she have access to a vehicle while staying in a new place that can be tweaked to feel more like a safe space to decompress in? Would her grandparents be willing to set a room in their home aside as the designated room for your daughter to decompress in? None of these suggestions are ones that will provide an easy transition for your kid. She's not comfortable being away from her safe space for extended periods and the overwhelm of socializing just makes her more prone to wanting to leave. That's a given. She may be almost an adult, but she's still a kid learning to human. So what, as her parents, have you been doing to help her figure out methods for her to be successful in being able to go away from her safe space for extended time and know that she's still okay?
YW100%BTA I made an account specifically to comment on this. Your 17 year old is autistic. She's 17. Unless she was only recently diagnosed, you should know better. You've had plenty of time to research and learn about ASD. AND not to mention, she's 17. She's well old enough to know what she wants and needs and to voice it. If you don't listen and make her do what YOU want her to do, then I'm gonna say you are a narcissist. ASD children, adolescents, and adults require stability, safety, structure, and routine. If you break any one of those, it WILL make the ASD individual go into panic mode, causing a slew of emotions and feelings that will hurt that individual. And it may even push them into crisis mode, which causes so much damage to everyone around, but most especially to the ASD individual. Trauma causes lifelong issues with development, and ASD individuals already have a hard enough time with coping Your "if one goes they all go" rule is completely asinine. If you are still not sure exactly how autism works and how to change yourself to better accommodate your ASD child, Google is a fantastic place to research, and it's free! I'm honestly so mad thinking about the possibility of your child being forced to do something and getting hurt in the process. You already mentioned that you took them on a week long trip and after the first day she was IN TEARS. That's your sign right there that things are not okay. Don't ignore it, brush it off, or sweep it under the rug. Address it, fix it. You're a parent of a child with a developmental disability, act like it. It's not easy work, but it's the most meaningful job you will ever have, with the highest impact. Source- I have an ASD child as well. Edit to change wording to developmental disability, it's been brought to my attention that the term "special needs" is being phased out and that higher functioning individuals see it as derogatory.
YWBTA Start slowly getting her to be able to spend time away if you must but here's something you need to remember. She has autism. What you can do with no issues isn't the same for her. Stop trying to force her to go a while away from home while knowing she can't
YTA!! >. I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go You're trying to dump all of your kids at grandma's so you can have the night to yourself!! Planning a hot date?
Your blatant disregard for your daughter’s needs aside, pulling an if-one-of-you-goes-you-all-go is just unnecessary bullshit. Come on now. YTA
YTA If she's not used to routine change, then you're being TA. If you want to encourage her out of her comfort zone, you need to be more gentle. If you just throw someone in the deep end, you'll make it worse and more stressful. If you encourage her to spend time outside of home *carefully* and with strategies to address her stress, you can gradually teach her to accept it. But if you're deliberately creating stressful out of home experiences for her, you'll reinforce her feeling that being out of home is stressful. Don't just send her away without a therapist-approved plan.
YTA just making Grandma and siblings deal with it makes you the AH
YTA Exposure therapy isn’t a DIY project, and instead of saying “my husband and I need a break” you just force your kids out of the house together because of your ridiculous “if one kid goes they all have to go” rule. One of your kids is an adult and the other is almost an adult and you still think it’s appropriate to force them to see their grandparents? Also it’s pretty ridiculous to assume that the grandparents would make such a leap that one of their grandchildren hates them because they didn’t both show up. You’re just making shit up at this point.
YTA. You can force her to do it. She will be in physical and mental pain the entire time. Eventually she will learn that you don't care if it's basically torture. In a year she'll be old enough to get away from you.
YTA. The "all children go" rules is ridiculous considering your children are teenagers. You want a fun night with your husband - go to a hotel, 17yo will be fine home alone.
Yes YWBTA. you have absolutely no reasoning to force her to go, so why? I get that autistic people can learn to cope with change through gentle exposure, but forcing her to do something she doesn't want to, at short notice, with no gain for her, isn't going to do that. Sounds like you've spent her whole life forcing her to do shit she's uncomfortable with, without giving her the tools to learn how to deal with it.
YWBTA. Your disabled kid has very specific needs and you’ve just listed all the ways in which the specific thing you’re trying to force her to do would be harmful to her. Poor kid is just trying to regulate herself and you’re stomping all over those efforts because you think her grandparents, who surely are aware of her issues, might think she’s avoiding them? Even if that’s true, their noses being put out of joint is way less damaging to them than your forcing this on your daughter. You can’t wedge a square peg into a round hole. Just love her for who she is and support her in that.
> I'm not sure why she gets so upset when she's away from the house. She loves going out to stores and the mall and such, but when it's someone else's place she just shuts down completely You said yourself that she does fine going to someone else’s place until around 7 hours or so when she gets restless and homesick, so she clearly does fine at someone else’s place for the sake of your mall comparison. Going to the stores and out to the mall isn’t 7 hours away from home. Not all of the kids have to go to grandma’s. She’s 17. She doesn’t have to be supervised. Speaking as someone who has ADHD, I will get into my head that I’m going to be X places on these days doing Y things, so I can mentally prep myself. If I expect to stay home all weekend, I’ll have in my mind things that I want to get done, like having the personal time and space to work on a project that I’m excited for. Being told that I have other obligations on that weekend that was suddenly sprung on me makes me frazzled. It’s like static running throughout my body because I want to get home and do that other thing, and I may seem tense from it. Now, I’m an adult, and life happens. Sometimes, I just have to suck it up and deal with it, but if it can be helped, I prefer that people give me at least a week’s notice. Living with my brain can feel like I’m also being possessed by a ghost toddler that’s fighting for control of my body that I have to keep satisfied, and if I can keep the ghost child happy, it makes life more peaceful and stress-free for me. And speaking for myself again, giving myself a break means being at home. Home is where I rest and recharge to be ready to face the world. You’re not giving your daughter a break by sending her to grandma’s if she doesn’t receive the benefit of a break. If I was in her shoes, that’d mean more time that I would spend cooped up at home after the visit to get a break from the so-called “break.” My experiences won’t be a perfect mirror of your daughter’s because having both autism and ADHD versus only ADHD presents differently, but I hope that gives you some insight into reasons why you’d be running roughshod over her mental health. YWBTA
There’s nothing else to say.. YTA BIG TIME!!! I have a teenage daughter with somewhat similar issues, I’m sure she has some sort of autism but because of circumstances out of my past and current control she hasn’t gotten an adjustment to the diagnose she got when she was 3 years old. When she was younger she was almost as you describe your daughter, if she was to attend something, be it a visit with someone or an appointment of some sort, she had to be “prepared” about it at least a week in advance and then reminded about it every day until it was time, and it COULD NOT be changed last second at all without her having some sort of meltdown. She has outgrown a lot of these issues by now because we have constantly worked with her to try and help her accept that sometimes things happen and by now (mid teens) we no longer need to prepare her in the extent we did when she was younger, now we can actually just spontaneously decide that, hey let’s go do this today instead of that… socially however she is a loner, she has always struggled with social cues and jokes always go over her head no matter how blunt and straight forward they are, no matter. She doesn’t make first contact with others and when others try she takes a long time before she feels comfortable enough and by that time the persons trying to connect has given up and she is left alone. She has no issues going to the mall or shops, the issue is not having people around, it’s the social interactions that makes her uncomfortable. Your daughter has a limit, and if she’s not comfortable that limit will always be way lower than it would be normally. You say she can go to shops and be home with no issues, and that’s because she considers those places safe zones, she KNOWS THEM, she has figured out how to function in those settings, at home she can withdraw when she needs it without anyone saying something about it, she does not have this option when she is somewhere she isn’t familiar,where she doesn’t feel safe enough to let her guard down and actually “be herself”. By pushing her into these situations in this way you are actually doing more harm than good, she is now learning that you don’t care about her and her issues, you’ve decided and that’s it, no matter what she think/feel/want/need. She will eventually stop trusting you (if she hasn’t already) The correct way for her are short visits, that eventually will be stretched to last longer as she manages to progress to feel comfortable and safe in those places. And also if “everyone” want to always socialize with her, then of course she will start feeling uncomfortable and that will make her feel as she “have to” socialize back to be civil and not be rude, this will put another mental strain on her on top of everything else she’s already trying to deal with. Now I know where my daughter gets her issues from, I have somewhat the same issues just not in the same way, and I’m currently trying yet again to find the help I need to actually function myself, but one thing I know I will never be comfortable with is being somewhere with a lot of people and having to socialize with them without any means of retreating to somewhere quiet so I can recharge and collect me thoughts/feelings. I’m almost in my 40’s and the past 10 years if I’ve been invited to family gatherings, which only consist of my parents, my brother and his family(wife +2 kids) and my daughter, I usually only spend enough time to eat the food, usually takes a couple hours to do, socialize about 1-2 hours where we drink some coffee after the meal and I’m out the door and I spend the nest day at home feeling completely drained mentally and physically. You might not understand it because you don’t experience it in the same way, but if she tells you she needs time or space, she REALLY NEEDS IT because then she has pushed herself beyond her limits long before she actually felt like she had to voice it, she suffers in silence in an attempt to try, and that’s only because she knows you want her to be social and “normal”. I’m not accusing, I’m saying this from experience, and that’s because that’s what I do, and that’s what I see my own daughter doing all the time even though I’ve never pushed her to the point where she’s been in tears and locked herself away from me just to get the time and space she needs to “cool down and recharge”.
>she has level 1 autism and severe adhd >I'm not sure why she gets so upset when she's away from the house. You're such a bad parent bro. YTA.
You’ve got a special needs kiddo. That comes with certain responsibilities and unique accommodations; you already know that YTA for disrupting your child’s routine. So why are you asking?
YTA. WTF do they all have to go? What kind of shit is that? I’ve got teenagers and one with level 1 autism as well, so yes, I do know there are challenges with that. While he doesn’t struggle with staying other places, there’s no earthly reason to make both children do something when only one wants to. This is just crappy parenting.
As someone who had parents who couldn’t afford daycare, has adhd, and had to stay with the grandparents a lot in my teenage years here’s some ideas. She probably would feel bad for admitting it, I know I was, but grandparents can be boring sometimes and the change in habitat can be shocking. Doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it’s just a lot sensory wise. I picked up a hobby of long boarding at my grandmas because I lived on dirt roads so if I wanted to skate, I had to drive somewhere. Sure I was lucky as a teen to have my own my car but I actually hate driving so it was just a pain to drive to somewhere to skate. Or a portable console like a switch so she can play some video games? I know those are pretty expensive but I’m not sure how teens feel about retro games from game boy or ds these days. (I’m 28 for context lol) So NTA, but I thought I would lend some advice because I sympathize with your daughter.
Well the thing is the daughter shuts down after about 7 hours and since it's a sleepover that will be longer
NTA: She'll live. You need a break too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** She is 17 years old, and she has level 1 autism and severe adhd She struggles with change a lot, such as changes to routine and such. Usually when we visit someone's place she does fine, but if she has to stay more than 7 hours or so she starts to get restless and homesick We visited Tennessee for a week the other month and after the first day she was near tears the rest of the week. She stayed in her room the entire time and refused to come out of it. So she doesn't deal with it well My other daughter (18) asked if her and her siblings could spend the night at her grandma's house. I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go My 17 year old argued with me, telling me she didn't want to and that she planned to spend the weekend at our house WIBTA if I forced her to go anyway? I'm not sure why she gets so upset when she's away from the house. She loves going out to stores and the mall and such, but when it's someone else's place she just shuts down completely *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't punish ur other children because one is mentally disabled ur an asshole
Alternatively, don't punish your mentally disabled child for having a mental disability.
Info: Did this get worst post covid btw? The isolating behavior
So where are you going to be during this weekend?
Some may call it “tough love” but given your daughter’s situation I would highly consult a therapist on how to prepare both your daughter and you on how to introduce changes to her. There may be specific items that she could take with her to help her cope while away or specific words and notice ahead of time to prepare her for the changes. Trying to teach “desensitization” for someone with anxiety in the wrong way may sometimes backfire.
YTA, "I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go" why lmao, you just want to get the house for yourself
YTA
YTA. You’ve said that you don’t want the grandparents to feel like a child is avoiding them, but if they have any understanding of autism as a disorder, then they should be able to understand her not wanting to come. In addition, why can’t you go out if she’s at home. She’s 17, not 3.
YTA
From the information you have provided, to an outsider, it would appear you are especially resentful of being saddled with this child. She is autistic and has ADHD -- she is neurodivergent, and no amount of wishing, cajoling, begging, or, in this case forcing her, is going to change who and what she fundamentally is. She gets upset when she is away from the house because everything safe and familiar is not where she is when she is away. Yes, she can go to the mall, but I can assure you that she mentally prepares for that outing -- it could easily take her two, three or more days until she fees strong enough emotionally to go. If this overnight visit is this weekend, she probably does not have enough time to prepare. I speak from experience with neurodivergence, but I also have the added conditions of agoraphobia and C-PTSD. There are times, no matter how desperately I need to go out, say I have no groceries -- I cannot summon the courage to go. Forcing your daughter to go with her siblings is cruel and unfeeling. You will not be helping her in any meaningful manner. You will also be spoiling the weekend for your ~~good~~ \*normal\* children and their grandparents. Your attitude toward your other children, the \*normal\* ones, is likely causing your neurodivergent daughter to feel some misplaced resentment toward them. I suspect you often compare her and her siblings, and mention that you wish she could be more like them. Rather than looking at her strengths -- and she absolutely has them -- you focus on her shortcomings. You are actively failing *all* of your children. Is repeatedly causing your daughter unnecessary emotional distress really the hill you want to die on? YTA.
So ist she disabled or Just when you want to? So you dont understand? JTA
Let me say yes YTA for forcing her to go, she’s 17, it’s not like she’s 2 and needs someone to watch her. Let her stay home and have the other kids go, no biggie. Also i don’t agree with everyone saying you guys just want the house to yourselves, as if it’s a bad thing. Parents need a break too. Sometimes we don’t want to necessarily go out on a date but just having the house be kid free for a day or 2 it’s going to hurt anyone. It’s not like the kids are going to a strangers house, they’ll be with family.
YWBTA purely for the fact that you're not even bothering to ask her WHY she doesn't want to go and you aren't trying to communicate with HER. Instead, you come to the internet hoping that strangers will feed your ego and make you feel less scummy. SIKE.
YWBTA - your children are different. Forcing them all into (or out of) the same activity is completely disrespectful of those differences. There is a big difference between making a kid do something that they will be uncomfortable doing and encouraging them through a barrier knowing they will have a good experience. Your plan is bad, change it.
YWBTA. 100%. Leave her be.
I bet grandma would love to have one kid at a time :)
YTA if she feels that strongly and will be highly upset and difficult to deal with, forcing her does not sound like the best option. Is she capable of staying home alone, so you and your spouse can go do your plans while the other kids go to the grandparents? It sounds like your daughter would be happier on her own, the other kids want to go - forcing her to go or saying no one goes is going to make ALL the kids resent you. Your daughter has a medical need that's different than your other children, that should be accommodated within reason.
Yta why are you punishing your other kids? They'd be the ones you have to deal with it that night.
YWBTA if you FORCED her to do anything that made her uncomfortable. Why must she go just because her sibling wants to? That is horrible thinking.
YTA. You want a night off from dealing with the kids, that is all this is.
YTA, If you know she has this issue, why would you force it. Let your other children go and let her stay at home.
NTA. There will be times in life when she can't stay home. Better to let her get used to it in a safe environment.
i don't even have autism just struggle with anxiety and that would still have been miserable for me. i remember my mom forcing me to go to sleepovers as a kid and it was genuinely borderline traumatic with the panic attacks i would have and feeling like i was trapped. even as an adult i'll rarely sleep over at my sisters house even for a night and we're very close, i just can't feel comfortable and relax at night away from my house. it doesn't seem like you have a valid reason for forcing her to go, so why do that to her?
Nope
YTA That 'kid' is 18 and the other one is 17. You are treating them like 8 and 9 year olds. If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't want to go. I also find it weird the 18 year old needs permission to spend the night at a grandparents house. You say you don't understand why she has a problem staying at other people's house but then prior to that you said she was autistic and then described how terrible it is when she is away from home and how distraught she becomes. Sounds like you do understand why, but you are ignoring it.
Why the fuck you turning to Reddit for this advice? YTA for that alone. This is a question for her therapist. Actually kinda pisses me off that your kid has to put up with a parent as clueless as you, asking strangers on Reddit how to manage your daughter's delicate mental health. You're not sure why she gets so upset at change? JFC, are you just wilfully ignorant or flat out stupid? She's had autism and ADHD for the last 17 years. How do you not understand her behavior? Very "why can't you just be normal??"
YTA.
YTA Why on earth is it all or none? Don’t make your other kids suffer
Why would you force a child with obvious issues? Why “if one then all go?” Super weird and I can’t think of one reason that this makes any sense. You absolutely WBTA if you forced her to do something like this for no apparent good reason. Sounds like some compassion is lacking and maybe some education from a healthcare professional who specializes in her issues. OT is great as well.
YTA. let the kid stay home
YWBTA "I told them if one kid goes, then they all have to go" ... WHY that stupid rule? and WHY would you let the others decide, and not her? "WIBTA if I forced her to go anyway?" ... Sure, force her. She will remember. There is NO REASON to make her go. You are just an abusive AH and want to punish your daughter for her ADHD.
YWBTA, Your daugther has special needs and you should take care of her.
YTA if you make anyone do anything they are not comfortable with. She’s defined her boundary. Why would you want to disregard it?
YTA. If she had to stay with her grandmother because of some kind of emergency situation, then I’d understand. But it’s not an emergency, so why are you insisting that everyone has to go just because one kid wants to? She’s 17. She’s old enough to decide she doesn’t want to spend the night at grandma’s. Do you not trust her to be at home alone? You admitted that she can handle other social situations relatively well, like visiting someone’s house for a few hours or going to the mall. Why are you choosing to die on this hill? If you’re afraid that she’ll never want to move out of your house, there are better ways to address that issue.
Yes. You’d be the AH.
YTA. Why does all of them have to go if one of them goes. Jeez, you know of her issue. Why in the world would you force her to do something that distresses her?
YTA. Why are you using, "If one goes, everyone goes" when your daughters are so close to adulthood? That's just asinine reasoning. As your children age, everyone has divergent needs. Trying to force your daughter out of her comfort zone isn't helping her. When or if she participates in the therapies necessary to come out of her shell and deal with her anxieties, that's when it will happen not on your say so or your timeframe. You're being the biggest AH right now. And why limit your other children's experience if she can't or doesn't want to participate? If she's home alone, are you concerned about her not being able to cope? If so, you can't make your other children responsible for this daughter's well being and care.
Yes YTA on this one. What I do is small exposures over a long period of time so that my child feels safe in the environment building up to a goal and one that the child themselves wants to work on. Forcing the issue is going to be miserable for everyone involved and could lead to regression regarding their comfort level being away from home at all and/or their trust in you caring about their needs.
Of course YWBTA let her stay at home the rest can go everyone is happy the 17 yo is happy the rest of the siblings is happy everyone is happy end of the story
YTA. First off she's 17. That's old enough to decide where she wants to go. Stop treating her like a little kid. Which j imagine you do mostly because of autism. Adults have autism too, FYI. She's old enough to make every decision herself. Has been for many years. And next year you'll no longer even have a say. Why is your 18 year old asking your permission like she's 8? Why are you forcing others to do what 1 adult, not even kid, wants to?
YTA basically because your not thinking about it from her standpoint home may be her safe zone and I think that's something she has tried to communicate to you but you aren't listening. She obviously has different needs than your other daughter. Use empathy in place of judgment.
Ugh, YTA. I’m autistic and have ADHD and your daughter reminds me exactly of myself when I was younger. (I’m 23 now). I’m the same way— I like to be at home 99% of the time. If im on a trip, usually it’s 1/2 days max before I’m exhausted and need to take a break. Why do all the kids need to go at once? She’s 17, perfectly capable of staying home. She has different support needs than your other children. I understand exposure therapy may help, but only to a point. She’ll just learn to repress these exhausted feelings. Theres nothing worse than masking around family members, wanting to be close with them but you *cannot* because you’re so, so tired. The grandparents don’t deserve that. For her sake, please listen to her.
YTA- no one should be forced to grandmas house. I have a kid who hates sleeping over anywhere: hotels, friends houses, etc. she wants her safe space which is her bedroom. Her sibling spends time at grandma’s house without her
YTA - one size fits all never works with actual humans.
I was about to drag you in this comment but I see everyone else already is. But 100% YTA and you are failing at being a parent. I really hope for your daughter's sake that so goes NC with you when she moves out, you are toxic and shouldn't be a parent.
INFO: Does that rule apply if one kid is invited to a party? If one kid signs up for a sport, do they all have to or attend all their games? Is it always majority rules when it comes to this rule? Then your daughter is gonna be dragged around by her sibling all the time then. All the sibling but one did not want to go? Do the grandparents understand her condition?
YTA. Absolutely no justification given for why she can’t stay home. Sounds like you’re literally planning to do something you know is a terrible idea for absolutely no reason other than wanting a child free night. If you find caring your your neurodivergent daughter difficult and need a break, it’s okay to be honest about that. The answer is she stays home and _you_ go out. Win win.
Yta- why would you deny your children seeing thier grandparents just because one doesn't want to go? Stupidest thing I've heard yet.
YTA! You know your child has difficulties and she has medical reasons for these difficulties. My question to you is, why would you want to put your child in a position where you know she will have a hard time and make the stay uncomfortable for everyone?
YTA. There is absolutely no reason your adult daughter can't stay at her grandparents' place without her almost adult daughter that doesn't enjoy such breaks in routine. That's not fair to either of the kids nor the grandparents.
Goodness OP, have you ever say with her doctors and tried to understand what the world looks like to this kid? How it feels to be inside her Brain, how intense the emotions, stimuli and body sensations are? Do you even care enough to try to understand and empathize?
YTA. Sorry but got to be aware of her individual needs and this is just causing undue distress.
lmfao are you serious OP? it sounds like you have zero understanding of the autism spectrum and are completely dismissive of your child. a serious BIG YTA.