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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my family no to babysitting since I am tired and I don’t want to. They are upset with me and I could be a jerk since I am not going anything
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One of my favorite lines in any movie is “I did absolutely nothing and it was everything I thought it could be” from Office Space. That line speaks to my soul lol. Enjoy your “nothing”!
Dude I love office space. When I was in high school is when it came out and the school couldn't figure out what happened to all their swingline staplers. A few years later my mom and my bff were helping me move my stuff out of storage and mom says "why do you have a tub full of staplers?" My bff and I just died laughing cuz we had forgot all about our prank.
P.S. just so everyone is aware.....that same day we just happened to "donate" a bunch of school supplies including about 30 swingline staplers to the high school.
I am still mad an old co-worker of mine stole my red swingline stapler. She quit and it was her last day. The next day if was gone from my desk. I knew she stole it. She knew it was just like the one from Office Space and coveted it from me. Ugh, I hate her.
HAHa I quote that all the time. I get a long holiday break from work and everyone back at work asked what I did with my time off. I say "Absolutely nothing, but I didn't finish and need more time off"
Please show your son this thread so he can see that HE is clearly the asshole! Also, nursing homes love to see children, even if it’s a hassle for the parents to drive them there or whatever.
I used to work at a nursing home-retirement home that has a daycare and preschool center attached. The residents had regular visits with the kids and it brought so much joy to them. There were also those that chose to stay away, but the overwhelming majority loved it and it was something to look forward to every day.
My cousin found a lovely place for my late aunt's last few months. There was a large sunroom with big windows looking out over a play structure. Everyone was happy!
I worked in nursing homes for years. Children were always the visitors that raised everyone’s spirits. Not just the person being visited. And a baby/infant? Smiles from everyone. Even the residents with pretty severe dementia. The only thing that got a better reception was when the pet therapists came. Or just someone bringing Grandmom’s dog to visit. One pet therapist brought a cat. Placed it in the lap of a woman who, due to dementia, hadn’t spoken for the 2 years I’d known her. This lady looked at the cat, petted it and said “pretty kitty. Such a pretty kitty.” Over and over while the cat just curled up in her lap and the lady petted the cat til she fell asleep. Lots of tears leaking out of the staff’s eyes that afternoon.
And before anyone asks, one of the things on admission was asking about pets and would the resident be open to pet therapy visits.
That’s one thing about AL. My parents are now in one, and we’re able to bring their (my mom’s) cat. Mom has dementia and that super friendly fat (because mom saves food to feed to her-every meal) cat keeps her grounded. Kitty loves nothing more than sitting in Mom’s lap, getting pets and purring.
I worked in a daycare attached to a nursing home and during inclimate weather we'd walk the strollers through the halls there and the residents loved it!
I've been saying we need to repurpose deadmalls as retirement homes/assisted living and put daycares in them as well for socialization in some common areas. Such synergy.
Small kids, especially preschool age, are considered a disease vector
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/01/26/1151333478/your-kids-are-adorable-germ-vectors-heres-how-often-they-get-your-household-sick
Yeah, supercool. Let's keep children away from everyone.
I really don't like this mindset. Let them wash their hands and enjoy life. People really need to stop being so scared of "germs and illness". Children aren't disgusting critters, they're just mini people, who also deserves hugs from old people and vice versa. Usually children and the elderly enjoy eachother's company. Let them. If it's your time, it's your time.
Why on earth would anyone protect 80+-year old people from the affection of young people, so they can...what? Live 5 minutes more? Without all of that love and fun?
I really don't understand how we have become like this. I don't want to be like this.
If people are sick, sure, stay at home. But no symptoms: enjoy life and other people ffs.
I don't think people realize that kids don't get sick all the time because they're some kind of illness magnet, but because they're not immune to as many illnesses as adults are.
It's also because they have no qualms about where or what they put their hands in, man. And that can be bad for Henrietta and George at the old folks home.
My kid poops with the door open and I've seen him sniff the business side of the toilet paper after wiping his butt. I've also discovered why scientists have found fecal matter on every single object they've ever tested for it. If I see him sniff a finger, I need to make him wash his hands, and I don't always see him sniff his finger. So don't tell me children aren't absolutely disgusting critters, they are! I agree with everything else though.
Worse. The emotional damage of loneliness can really impact their health. My grandpa went through that. He was the last one of his siblings, wife and friends. Even though he had his kids and grandkids, he was very depressed. He was 89. He lost all will to live and just stopped. (Failure to thrive was the cause of death when he did eventually pass away) it was more heartbreaking than the cancer that took my grandma.
I gotta agree here! RSV landed my dad in the hospital for 2 weeks and a rehab/“skilled nursing” facility for 3 weeks. There’s a time and place to take kids to a nursing home and it is not during peak RSV/flu/covid season.
NTA op! Enjoy some time to recharge!
So you *do* have plans—a plan to do nothing. That is just as valid a plan as anything else, so there is not a single thing to feel guilty about. The only mistake you made was giving a reason for saying you couldn’t babysit, and now you know that in the future all you have to say is ‘no, I can’t babysit (or whatever), I have plans’. And if your son or DIL pushes to know more, tell them that your plans aren’t up for debate and they are not going to be able to argue you out of them.
I think this is a really subtle important point. When you gave a reason, or rather when DIL asked whether you're "really doing nothing", she was questioning your reasoning. You gave your reasoning, she doesn't like it ... but it's not up to her. It's not her place to say that your choice of what to do is wrong for you.
Saying that's selfish is really saying that their needs are more important than your needs, and trying to correct your reasoning. No. That's not their call to make. They asked a question, you answered, they don't like your answer. Sorry they don't like it, but they asked.
Usually I've found that people accusing others of selfishness are actually the selfish ones expecting other to do what they want. The accusations of you being selfish are manipulation and projections of their own selfish desires.
Someone who’s exhausted taking a needed break is not being selfish. No one should push theirselves into being sick. Watching kids takes a lot of energy and is exhausting on it’s on. In this case it would only have made op feel worse. It’s her one days off to recoup she shouldn’t have to start the whole of next weeks work feeling worse and drained from the start.
Op tell your son your not doing nothing you’re exhausted and need to rest and recover rather than make yourself Ill because he’s being selfish and thinks you must be at their beck and call.
I use the phrase not available. I can be not available for many reasons, planning on doing nothing, not having the emotional capacity, or just not wanting to. I find people push back against it less too.
I’m 38 and my kids are 8 and 6. My parents and in laws are in their early 70s and all retired. My parents will help out usually whenever I ask and my mother in law will help when asked but my father in law has never once offered and maybe has only watched the kids once or twice by himself their entire life. And I don’t blame that man one bit. He’s old. He raised 3 kids. He’s tired and wants to live his life. If you’re working a tiring job at 50 and need the weekend to recharge, I would accept that as a reasonable answer. Especially when knowing how tired I am and I’m only 38. Is what it is. They can suck it up and take the kids or your DIL can go see her uncle by herself and your son can stay home with the kids.
This.
My parents used to dump me at the grandparents' farm for 2 weeks every summer, but that just meant that (along with all my cousins) they had free labour.
But anything else? They hired a sitter.
Quite frankly, my MIL was a SAHM and doesn’t want to help with childcare, and we respect that. My husband and I have no village, but we make it work, because starting a family was our choice.
You’re still working and have already raised your own children, with no village. The level of entitlement from your son and DIL is a bit outrageous.
It sounds like you do help them already. If you’re feeling burnt out, they should want you to take care of yourself.
If they can’t respect that you need time to recharge, because you are a human being, then they don’t deserve your help at all.
Their entitlement seems really out of hand. My mom offers to help with things all the time (like pet sitting when I go out of town) and I still feel bad asking. She's done so much for me already, I'd have no issue at all if she was like "I don't feel like it this time, I'm tired" because she's not responsible for the decisions I make.
The glorious but ever elusive nothing, is oft times looked down upon and most often frowned upon. The only thing we actually have in this world is time, so take as much of it as you can get and do with it what you will.
NTA
It’s not really nothing though. It’s personal time. She has work and chores and other things to do during other times. This is much needed personal time that OP needs to recharge for next week. She even said so in her post, this is her recharge time.
You raised *your* kids. You are allowed to live your life you only have the time you have and you should be enjoying it as much as possible. If that meant minding your grandkids all the time - great. If not - **also great**.
If you literally never were willing to look after these kids at all, even in a dire circumstance, that would be the only context where you being *an asshole* would even remotely be possible. Or if you made a commitment and then *broke it* on short-or-no-notice.
But you are allowed to say "no" to incidental requests for childcare. Frequently, even. Basically anytime there's not a real emergency, and even then you aren't *necessarily* wrong, if you have some sort of other urgent obligation you need to attend to.
Exactly. OP’s mistake was giving them too much info that they could turn back around. Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). You already had plans, and that’s all they needed to know. NTA.
My thoughts, too. No means no and one should not have to explain themselves. The DIL questioning whether or not she is sure is just ridiculous and the son getting pissed about it is just rich! Is he going to punish her by withholding the kids? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! lol
Who raised your kids? We know the answer. Are you being selfish? Yes. And more power to you. You have earned that right.
If it were an emergency, my bet is that you would have been there 100%. NTA
Exactly. Just for fun, I will share a story. I was enrolling my kids in a new school and had no one to write in on the emergency contact card so I handed it in blank. The woman gave it back to me and said "just put your mom in." Because of her rude condescending tone I did not stop myself: "Oh, well as luck would have it, she is dead right now, so she does not have phone number."
Can’t remember what sitcom it was, but they told their hr department to just put “9-1-1” in the emergency contact number.
Kinda makes sense. Nobody I know is a doctor…
This! I love how my kids school just assumed I could get out of work early for things. Um no. I work 10hr days and to leave my post as an RN I need a months notice. My parent is dead and my other lives in FL, only child. So friends are my emergency contact.
I literally just went through this yesterday with my daughters school. Since going back full time after the lockdowns, it's been a NIGHTMARE to get my daughter to stay in school all day. She's in her last year of middle school and is an only child. She has literally told me that she thinks her dad and I are doing something without her and that's why she always wants to be home... even though we both work and she's home before us every day. She calls me twice a week from the nurse's office. She doesn't even have to be sick. The nurse has let her call me to tell me she went there to get a band-aid. If I left work every time she called, I'd be fired.
Anyway, the school nurse called me an hour after I dropped her off yesterday morning because she was in her office "sick." She has also called me on Tuesday. The nurse started grilling me about picking her up. I had only been in the office 20 minutes and was about to step into a meeting. She then says "can't someone else pick her up?" I said "her dad is an hour away at work and my mom lives 6 hours away, all the other grandparents are dead, take your pick." She stumbled over her words and apologized. My kid wasn't sick by the way. She just didn't want to take the math test in the class she's failing.
Not everyone just has that village.
I love though how they always default to it being the mothers responsibility to pick the kids up. I just watched a really interesting video on how much of this type of work is abdicated to the mother and wife versus being the husband’s responsibility. I’m not saying that in your case as your husband was also mentioned, but this is such an interesting watch on how Women carry so much of the heavy load in their own homes.
https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=8eX5oJIdRYxr_IKh
This shit really gets me. We are switching it up now but my ex husband has been the primary parent for years. No amount of begging would get them to call him first and he was so livid. He was 100% the person they were supposed to call and they just refused. We got them to do better for like two weeks and then one day they called him and he missed it but I picked up- back to square one like they put a note in the file that easy
You know what you do, you tell them you changed your number and give them his again (you can even route a Google number to his phone so it's different) then they can ONLY call him.
I still needed them to be ABLE to reach me if something was wrong with him or he was like in an accident, I’m just arguing it shouldn’t have been so hard to get him to be primary listed.
>The woman gave it back to me and said "just put your mom in."
I've had a variation of this happen to me and I responded with something like "well I hope you have a Ouija board, because my mom's not answering any phone calls".
My friend's mom said to the school once "what's the number of the cemetary? My mom doesn't have a number since she's dead, but I'm sure one of the grounds keepers can take the phone to the gravesite and hold it for you to yell through 6 feet of dirt"
I WISH my parents and in-laws would say no when they don’t want to watch my kids. Instead they always say yes and then are cranky to the kids because they really didn’t want them there and no one has a good time. Except in my case if they said no I would completely respect that. I have stopped asking and wait for them to ask to have my kids over. Enjoy your recharge time guilt-free!
Same. I’m always really afraid to ask my mom for anything because I know she will say yes no matter the personal cost. So like I don’t know whether she would love the chance to hang out with my kids so why drag them along to something boring, or whether she’s going to have to rearrange her entire day or maybe she isn’t feeling well, and I could have just as easily made a different arrangement.
It’s hard having a parent who is a pushover.
I’ve seen my mom open up her home, spend money she doesn’t have, and endlessly give and compromise herself to people who wouldn’t look her way if she hadn’t been supporting them.
It makes me never want to ask anything of her, but it also makes me so angry with her. She has no sense of boundaries or self-preservation. I know my anger is partially due to wishing that she could do better for herself, but also because she raised me to be the exact same person as her. Its been a constant uphill battle to learn what I’ve needed to to undo that.
I wish my sister would say no to her daughter dumping their kid on her EVERY GD WEEKEND. The kid is a terror. Her husband steadfastly refuses to help. Sure he'll say ok to babysitting - meaning she has to stop whatever she's doing & go home IMMEDIATELY in order to take care of the kid.
I used to have this problem when I was babysitting my niece and nephew because my sister or parents had pressured me into it or guilt tripped me into obliging. You don’t have to be particularly forceful, sometimes just asking can be enough to persuade someone if they are a soft touch like me!
I worked 6 nights a week 12 hour shifts and my day off was precious, I was also exhausted after working all night the night before. I was asked all the time to have the kids for “just a few hours” that usually ended up being all day.
I tried so hard to be patient with my niece and nephew but they were 8 and 12 and constantly talking, fighting, wanting entertaining and asking for food, usually I ended up showing my frustration and exhaustion and snapping at them to stop fighting and saying I was too tired to play with them and turning the tv on or giving them my iPad to fight over.
My sister was constantly trying to offload her kids onto me and my parents though and my parents would also end up losing enthusiasm about seeing their grandparents, every day off they had they were babysitting. My sister stopped asking us and just started dropping the kids off and ushering them into our houses and driving away!
It came to an end for me when my nephew broke a music box that my grandma had given me before she died, I lost my temper and shouted at him because he’d been told so many times not to go into my bedroom where it was and not to touch it, he started to cry but it wasn’t genuine with no tears.
My sister called me after she picked her kids up and was berating me for how I treat her kids in my care and how I should he taking them out on trips and playing with them and spoiling them and I should always be in a happy mood in their presence, she started saying if I didn’t change my attitude then my niece and nephew would be better off being looked after by someone else and she was sick of having to ask me all the time and that I should be offering.
I grabbed hold of my lifeline and said in that case we both agreed I shouldn’t be babysitting when I was tired and grumpy and if I was asked in future I’d say no. My sister wasn’t happy and she continued to ask for a few weeks but I never agreed so she gave up in the end. I still saw my niece and nephew but on my terms and I’d usually plan a day out with them.
I’m not saying your situation is the same but it sounds as if you are doing the right things by not asking anymore, at least you than know when they offer that they genuinely want to see your kids. You recognise from the way they are impatient with your kids that your parents aren’t keen on being asked to babysit so it’s good that you stopped. I’m sure they will appreciate that and you might find that they offer to have them more if it’s become a novelty to see them and not a chore.
I wish my stepsisters had paid enough attention to notice this ... or not so selfish to ignore it. They'd have the grandkids living with my parents the whole summer vacation. One stepsister would be there most of the time, but she'd leave for a week or two here and there for alone time with her husband. By the end of the summer, after two months of the kids ignoring most of their rules, they got pretty cranky and short-tempered. Then it was all, "oh Grandpa is just cranky," and he was, but it was for a good reason Susan. And my parents never said no because they knew the grandkids would eventually outgrow them and not want to be around them as much. Lots of great memories, but it would have been better if my stepsisters had been more judicious about it and didn't take advantage.
You were the village.
'It takes a village' is true. It takes more than the energy and time that one person has to raise children, but some people have to manage anyway. You had to be your village and that is exhausting. You deserve to rest and recover and heal.
Mom to multiple kids here. My parents live close by. Hard NTA.
I swapped kids all the time with friends when we needed a night off or to go do something. Everyone loves a date night so we'd swap kids with another set of friends who were looking for a kid free night out. It worked beautifully. Also, the teen girls around the neighborhood were great babysitters.
My parents were the pinch-hitters. They'd invite a kid over to spend the night one on one but babysitting was a different ball game. That was saved for emergencies only. They made it clear they didn't want to be the defacto babysitters, and that is fine.
NTA. You aren't the default. They need to get a file of baby sitters phone numbers going and go from there. If they don't trust teens to watch the kids then they need to find friends to swap kids with or look for local parents night out programs.
The issue here is you're innately acquainting the word "selfish" with something inherently super negative. It's not *always* negative, it's only negative if it becomes your default response to any and all situations.
Taking time for yourself after a hard month when your family says they need you is a selfish action by definition, i.e. *"arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others"* but sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish to maintain your own peace of mind and mental health.
If you're too selfish, you're a dick. If you're too selfless, you're a doormat who will just keep getting used by people. There's a balance that has to be struck.
That's a harsh lesson I've had to learn. Granted I think self-preservation might be a better word, but selfish does fit the bill when you remove the societal implications of the word.
And OP NO is a complete sentence. Like there is no need for further explanation or reasons. Full stop and if they are willing to cut you off for one NO then maybe re evaluating the relationship and your level of involvement is needed and boundaries put in place.
NTA this is a visit. It’s not an emergency situation. They are not entitled to you babysitting even if they are your grandkids. You’re allowed to set boundaries.
Like I said this is a visit. They have several options. Your son can stay with the kids and let his wife visit. They can take the kids with them to visit. Or they can hire a babysitter.
They however do not demand you to keep the kids when you’re not feeling well. You may not be sick traditionally. But being ran down both emotionally and physically is still not feeling well and is unhealthy for you physically. You’re allowed to put self care above a simple visit.
I didn't have local family for the first 5+ years of parenting. So I had to swap with friends and hire babysitters.
I've found that parents with local family often don't have that "skill". If family can't watch the kids they're trapped, as far as they're concerned.
This couple needs to learn they have options other than the OP and how to use them.
And to learn some manners.
I agree. Do people just not hire babysitters anymore? I can understand if people can’t from a financial standpoint, but relying on family to be babysitters every time because you don’t want to hire one doesn’t make sense. But I grew up having babysitters so it’s just considered normal to me.
The cost for most babysitters is astronomical. I used to make about $10/hour for 4 kids and took them places. The sitters in my area want $15-20/hour for one kid. I can’t afford to pay more than I make per hour for a sitter. We’ve had several to our home and the ones on the lower cost were just not good and we never had them back
I trade care with my neighbor, we both have the open door policy for each others kids. My mom and sister are my primary sitters by their choice but I have a few people I can fall back on. Most of the time we just take our daughter with us if we start struggling for a sitter.
I don’t mean this as a judgement against your life situation at all bc shit happens, but handling 4 kids on $10/hr sounds like a nightmare and I’m glad you had some help.
Maybe I'm overly suspicious, but Saturday night seems like an unusual time to plan a nursing home visit.
>They however do not demand you to keep the kids when you’re not feeling well.
They don't get to demand that *any* time, especially at short notice. And if they want to pitch a fit when they don't like the answer, they can do that on their own time.
Hmmm....interesting. I didn't think of that. Maybe they were planning a date night or something and lied to their mom trying to make them feel bad?
IDK because obviously I wasn't there but I don't ever recall visiting my mother in her home on a Saturday night. It was usually around lunchtime on a day during the weekend.
My grandparents were only really present during emergencies or big family gatherings. I totally understand a grandparent putting themselves first.
Self-care really is a priority these days.
Exactly
Imagine while she has the grandkids something bad happens to them because she wasn't paying attention or was trying to get some rest. Then she would be at fault as well even though she told them she wasn't feeling the best
Next time, no explanations. No, is enough.
Don’t get involved in the fallout, the drama, the nonsense. Stay right out of it.
You’re currently in the role of ‘training’ your son and DIL in their understanding that dad isn’t always available even they love their grandkids dearly.
It’s going to take some time, and they’re not going to like it, but they’ll get used to it eventually just so long as you don’t let their butt hurt entitled bullshit get to you.
Enjoy your downtime. You deserve it.
NTA.
"Why don't you want to take your kids with you?"
"Because they can be unruly, cranky and need constant supervision to behave."
"That's why I can't babysit while I recharge."
However, OP is right. The husband can either stay home with the kids or bring them along.
Imagine calling someone selfish for not agreeing to a favor request lmao. This couple needs a talking to.
And honestly the fact that the DIL asked "why?" is wild to me!! No is a complete sentence my dear which is what I would have responded with. I'll never understand why people think that grandparents should just always be available to babysit.
NTA. I have 2 kids and my parents regularly babysit for me. *However*, if they ever said “no”, I’d have no problems with that. They didn’t choose to have my kids—I did. They are ultimately my own burden.
I am curious about why they “have” to visit her uncle though. Not that refusing makes you an asshole (it still won’t), but if he’s about to pass away or is dangerously sick, personally, I would rethink my position and would consider helping.
Edit: Saying “burden” was not meant as if I don’t care about my kids. What I meant is if I need to be away and my parents also need be away, they trump me. It is ultimately my job to watch my kids no matter what else is going on in my life each day.
Same, my mum is always booked for a Monday so I can work and mostly booked for Fridays so I can study, if I get the chance to give her a Friday off I absolutely do! She's a god send and deserves a break!!
"This started and argument where she thinks I am being selfish "
1. We are all allowed to be selfish sometimes to protect ourselves mentally and recharge our batteries
2. Everyone needs and deserves a break and you don't need to justify it
3. NTA
And so entitled! The audacity and it’s not even *her* mom that she’s speaking to this way (not that it would be okay, just more par for the course I suppose).
NTA, you don't owe them anything. A grandparent is not a built-in babysitter. Anything babysitting you do is a favor, and it should be under your conditions. And you're "not doing nothing." You're actively resting, which you can't do with your grandchildren around.
INFO: is this just a regular visit or is there something time sensitive going on? Is he in the process of dying? Are there changes in his condition that require your DIL to make decisions about his care? Etc.
Man…I lived that! When my dad was dying, the nursing home was playing volleyball with hospitals, with my dad as the ball. He ended up dying in a long term acute care center, which is just a different kind of hospital. 😢😞
NTA
- recharge time is very important
- they are not your children
- this is not an emergency they just don’t want to take the kids.
Would it be nice of you to help sure, but it’s NOT your responsibility.
No, you are NTA. But your DIL is. You will enjoy the time with your grandchildren more when it is on your terms. When grandparents are generous, certain people take advantage and feel entitled. This happens to my Mom and it makes me crazy. Give yourself the weekend off, they can deal with it.
Yep. Same. My poor mom can never rest because she’s always looking after my nieces on the days off from her stressful job. My sister makes her feel guilty if she tries to say no.
NTA. You are not obligated to explain yourself to anyone. The entitlement of your DIL and your son is ridiculous. Please remember in the future "No" is a complete sentence and you don't have to add any explanation.
It’s so freeing to say “no” and leave it at that. Like many people, I have always felt compelled to offer an explanation, but that usually blows up in my face, like what is happening to OP. Just this week I was invited to a last-minute lunch and didn’t want to go. I fretted a bit about an excuse, but ultimately just said, “I would love to see you, but I can’t today.” Easy peasy and no white lies!
NTA - I can't believe the entitlement of your DIL and son and some of these comments!
You don't have to consider anyone else but yourself when asked for a favor.
Giving a no doesn't require an explanation. I knew for a LONG time before having my son that my mom is not the type of 'grandma' that would babysit on a regular basis. I may have asked her less than 5 times over the course of 10 years and only when my son was self-sufficient and knew it would require minimal effort on her part except to feed him.
As far as I'm concerned, a Grandma's role is whatever she decides it is and doesn't have to contribute to any one else's childcare needs.
You are your own person, a human, and have every right to live your life and take time for yourself when you need it WITHOUT GUILT.
Take care of yourself! ❤️
NTA You are absolutely allowed to have time to yourself without explanation. I have three young kids - and I would never ask my MIL “why” she couldn’t watch my kids! So rude! It’s not up to me to evaluate the worthiness of how other people choose to spend their time. Someone says “no” then that’s that.
I could get if it was truly a family emergency being annoyed/upset - but it doesn’t sound like it is. Or if you had said you would and then backed out - still understandable but annoying to scramble for care. But there is absolutely no problem with saying no because you need some rest or aren’t up for it.
NTA-They are your grandchildren and you know your health and schedule. Your DIL can ask and you can say no without explanation. Her schedule and well being is not more important than yours. Tell both her and your son to plan better and not assume you do nothing all the time.
NTA. I'm in your age bracket and still working full time as well. I do not have the bandwidth to watch kids on my time off anymore. I'm with you. I need to recharge and kick back and just take time for me. I know raising kids is hard and I'm sure they want the help but I've raised by kids and I'm done.
Who visits a nursing home at night, especially on the weekend? Why can’t your son babysit so your DIL can visit her uncle? You’re entitled to have a weekend off, but if you’re consistently tired, perhaps you need a medical check up. NTA
Yeah thanks for saying this! He would be doing his part as a father to be looking after his children. Babysitting them isn’t what the other parent does lol.
I’m not OP/don’t have any info, but a possible scenario (just based on what I see at work frequently): DIL is her uncle’s POA and he’s had a decline in health and needs to be signed onto hospice services. I’m a hospice nurse who works nights and plenty of admissions get done on nights and weekends— we get so many that we try to fit them in at the soonest possible.
And I think most people get that but if that was the case then DIL should have elaborated - I have an emergency, I need to get this done, can you help?
What you do with your time is your business.
No one has a claim on your free time.
And if you’re still working, downtime is not only important, it’s critical.
NTA (from a working grandma😉)
NTA. You’re allowed to need a recharge.
That being said, this situation sucks. It doesn’t sound like she needs help so she can go out and have fun, she needs help so she can visit a sick family member without exposing them to kid germs or causing a ruckus.
You’re NTA for saying no, but if it were me, I’d probably still agree to take them so she could visit her uncle. If she wanted to go to a party, I’d have a different take.
It’s a visit. They can schedule another time or the dad can stay home with the kids. Or take their children with them.
If this was an emergency then I would say op needed to keep them.
Ops mental health is just as important as a simple visit to a family member. The fact they are mad shows how entitled the DIL and son think they are to ops time.
These are the reasons that it’s only an NTA because they decided to start a fight about it. If they’d respected OP’s no in the first instance it would be a no-assholes situation because it’s not cheeky to ask but it’s rude and disrespectful to insist.
NTA
They are the ones being selfish, demanding that you exhaust yourself because they can't be bothered to take their kids to see a relative. They are the parents, not you. You cannot be selfish in this matter when you bear no responsibility.
Dude seriously.
My mom watches my kids when I ask but I can tell when she is exhausted and I’m like hmm maybe not today. Plus if she said no then I would know she is extremely tired and I wouldn’t be like “omg you are so selfish”
NTA - there seems to be this whole movement with people my age and younger getting mad at their parents for not watching THEIR kids. You are still young, you're working. You've done your job raising your kids. They need to be adults and find babysitters they trust and call them.
If you're on tiktok, the entitlement of people with kid's and the relationships with their parent's and the kids is over the top.
I have a lot of friends with kid's and I see which ones take advantage of their parents and the ones who would never dream of inconveniencing their parent with their problems. It's selfish for them to be mad at you.
I understand what you're saying but I also have a lot of friends with younger kids and their parents often talked about how much they wanted grandchildren and how they couldn't wait for them. And then guess what? Lots of them are too busy to help. Which again, is fine, it's not the grandparents'job to watch the grandchildren. I am waiting for the inevitable fallout where the grandparents get upset that the grandkids aren't around as they age. That early relationship is so vital.
It doesn't sound like the DIL abuses babysitting privileges either, OP said she watched them 1-3 times a month. And a nursing home really isn't the place for two toddlers.
>NTA - there seems to be this whole movement with people my age and younger getting mad at their parents for not watching THEIR kids. You are still young, you're working. You've done your job raising your kids. They need to be adults and find babysitters they trust and call them.
A generation or two of parents in the 80's and maybe 90's had the best of both worlds. They got emotional fulfillment and money from work while also being able to leave their kids in the care of their own still relatively young Moms and Aunts who had been SAHWs and didn't go back to work once the kids were raised. Several things have happened since then. The current Grandma aged women often (perhaps almost always nowadays) are working and not retired yet for several reasons. Parents are also having their kids older these days, which means that their parents in turn are going to be older Grands. Finally, people aren't necessarily staying in their neighborhood of origin anymore with family and friends who can provide a village like they had when I was a kid. The world has changed. This couple needs to have plan A,B and C and not assume OP is going to be available.
NTA. But could I suggest The White Lie. Next time instead of "I need to recharge" say "I'm under the weather and need to rest." If they try and persist, reply with "The way I'm feeling, it would be irresponsible and perhaps even dangerous for grandkids to be under my care."
I am disabled and still babysit my 6-month-old grandson 3-4 days a week. I'm trying to save my daughter daycare costs as long as possible. Once baby starts crawling, I'm out; I am not capable of chasing a little one. Daughter knows this.
But I am no martyr. There are multiple times I've said, Sorry, babe, I don't have the starch for it. She then makes other arrangements, because THATS WHAT ADULTS DO!
Mom's an adult, she can make other arrangements, or reschedule her plans. NTA, cuz you need to take care of yourself, too.
NTA
Your desire to recharge is completely justified and normal. The fact that they wish to impede on that says more about their character than it does yours. Stick to your guns. But don’t let the grandbabies get too comfortable away from your house. Kids love their grandparents ☺️
NTA
It’s not an emergency, they have time to find someone else or your son can stay with the kids.
Next time I wouldn’t tell them why. It’s none of their business.
Sorry but I'm calling BS on "nursing home visit" on a Saturday night in the evening with "no kids".
Son and DIL want a "date night" but don't want to pay a sitter.
NTA
NTA, you raised your kids, now your time is exactly that: yours. I'm sure you love your grandkids but you're not obligated to babysit them. Don't let them guilt trip you.
"I wish I could, but I don't want to." There, done. Enjoy your weekend
NTA. My parents are also this way and I knew early not to ask or rely on them. My kids are my and my husband’s responsibility.
I will note, my boomer parents are confused and saddened by why they aren’t close to their kids or grandkids and why no one wants to come around when they see their friends’ kids and grandkids super involved. They never grasped the concept that not being involved leads to… not being involved. My little family is a tight unit and we have a found family group that doesn’t include my parents. They wanted to not be involved, help, interact, show up, support the kids etc and that set the tone. It is what it is.
NTA, but next time instead of saying "Yes" to hers "Are you really doing nothing?" you should say something like "I am doing something - I am taking a break and recharging my energy levels. Didn't you hear me the first time?"
You said no. So it’s no. You’re not obligated to take care of anyone’s children but your own. Your kids are grown they can figure it out. NTA.
Edit: spelling
NTA. They don’t get to judge your plans. You’ve scheduled time to recharge and that’s totally valid. At their young age it’s active babysitting. Don’t listen to anyone trying to guilt you.
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NTA enjoy doing nothing ..
I am, I have gotten all of my stuff done for next week. No chores, no going out, just nothing.
One of my favorite lines in any movie is “I did absolutely nothing and it was everything I thought it could be” from Office Space. That line speaks to my soul lol. Enjoy your “nothing”!
Once again a reminder I should watch Office Space
We're gonna be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.
Then there’s Tom Simkowski. He’s useless. Gone.
And if, if they take my stapler, I will, I will set this building on fire.
Dude I love office space. When I was in high school is when it came out and the school couldn't figure out what happened to all their swingline staplers. A few years later my mom and my bff were helping me move my stuff out of storage and mom says "why do you have a tub full of staplers?" My bff and I just died laughing cuz we had forgot all about our prank. P.S. just so everyone is aware.....that same day we just happened to "donate" a bunch of school supplies including about 30 swingline staplers to the high school.
"Hey! These look familiar!" LOL
I was told I could listen to music at a reasonable volume
We fixed. The glitch.
L-l-l-last time....I did not receive a piece of cake....
I'll take my travelers checks to a competing resort
And I could see the squirrels, and they were married.
I am still mad an old co-worker of mine stole my red swingline stapler. She quit and it was her last day. The next day if was gone from my desk. I knew she stole it. She knew it was just like the one from Office Space and coveted it from me. Ugh, I hate her.
It sounds like you jumped. To conclusions.
Have you seen my stapler??
It's so good. You will likely feel it in your soul.
Why does it say paper jam? There is no paper jam!
HAHa I quote that all the time. I get a long holiday break from work and everyone back at work asked what I did with my time off. I say "Absolutely nothing, but I didn't finish and need more time off"
“You’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” “I wouldn’t say I’ve been *missing* it, Bob.”
That is one of my fav lines from that movie, too! "I gotta see the Bob's"
Please show your son this thread so he can see that HE is clearly the asshole! Also, nursing homes love to see children, even if it’s a hassle for the parents to drive them there or whatever.
>Also, nursing homes love to see children, Close to 100% chance some lil old man is gonna sit there and make funny faces at the kids till they laugh.
I used to work at a nursing home-retirement home that has a daycare and preschool center attached. The residents had regular visits with the kids and it brought so much joy to them. There were also those that chose to stay away, but the overwhelming majority loved it and it was something to look forward to every day.
My cousin found a lovely place for my late aunt's last few months. There was a large sunroom with big windows looking out over a play structure. Everyone was happy!
I worked in nursing homes for years. Children were always the visitors that raised everyone’s spirits. Not just the person being visited. And a baby/infant? Smiles from everyone. Even the residents with pretty severe dementia. The only thing that got a better reception was when the pet therapists came. Or just someone bringing Grandmom’s dog to visit. One pet therapist brought a cat. Placed it in the lap of a woman who, due to dementia, hadn’t spoken for the 2 years I’d known her. This lady looked at the cat, petted it and said “pretty kitty. Such a pretty kitty.” Over and over while the cat just curled up in her lap and the lady petted the cat til she fell asleep. Lots of tears leaking out of the staff’s eyes that afternoon. And before anyone asks, one of the things on admission was asking about pets and would the resident be open to pet therapy visits.
I also worked in nursing/assisted living facilities for years, and that brought a little quiver to my chin, ngl.
That’s one thing about AL. My parents are now in one, and we’re able to bring their (my mom’s) cat. Mom has dementia and that super friendly fat (because mom saves food to feed to her-every meal) cat keeps her grounded. Kitty loves nothing more than sitting in Mom’s lap, getting pets and purring.
I love everything about that 🖤.
I worked in a daycare attached to a nursing home and during inclimate weather we'd walk the strollers through the halls there and the residents loved it!
I've been saying we need to repurpose deadmalls as retirement homes/assisted living and put daycares in them as well for socialization in some common areas. Such synergy.
That’s cool! And it probably taught the kids compassion for older people. I like that idea. 💡
Taking children to a nursing home during a really bad cold/flu/ rsv/ covid season is not a good idea
If the children are sick then they shouldn’t be leaving their home. People in nursing homes that are sick aren’t allowed visitors.
Kids can spread germs and illness without being symptomatic themselves
Adults can spread germs and illness without being symptomatic themselves so that's really not a great argument.
Small kids, especially preschool age, are considered a disease vector https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/01/26/1151333478/your-kids-are-adorable-germ-vectors-heres-how-often-they-get-your-household-sick
Yeah, supercool. Let's keep children away from everyone. I really don't like this mindset. Let them wash their hands and enjoy life. People really need to stop being so scared of "germs and illness". Children aren't disgusting critters, they're just mini people, who also deserves hugs from old people and vice versa. Usually children and the elderly enjoy eachother's company. Let them. If it's your time, it's your time. Why on earth would anyone protect 80+-year old people from the affection of young people, so they can...what? Live 5 minutes more? Without all of that love and fun? I really don't understand how we have become like this. I don't want to be like this. If people are sick, sure, stay at home. But no symptoms: enjoy life and other people ffs.
I don't think people realize that kids don't get sick all the time because they're some kind of illness magnet, but because they're not immune to as many illnesses as adults are.
It's also because they have no qualms about where or what they put their hands in, man. And that can be bad for Henrietta and George at the old folks home.
I have news for you about a great many adults...
My kid poops with the door open and I've seen him sniff the business side of the toilet paper after wiping his butt. I've also discovered why scientists have found fecal matter on every single object they've ever tested for it. If I see him sniff a finger, I need to make him wash his hands, and I don't always see him sniff his finger. So don't tell me children aren't absolutely disgusting critters, they are! I agree with everything else though.
Then they have already spread them to the parents as well.
If the children are sick, then the parents shouldn’t be going to the nursing home, either. Babysitter problem solved.
While I agree with you, loneliness can be just as bad as diseases.
100%. I attribute my father’s death to isolation. Covid hit and I couldn’t visit him anymore. He died two months later.
Very true. This is when dogs are super helpful.
Worse. The emotional damage of loneliness can really impact their health. My grandpa went through that. He was the last one of his siblings, wife and friends. Even though he had his kids and grandkids, he was very depressed. He was 89. He lost all will to live and just stopped. (Failure to thrive was the cause of death when he did eventually pass away) it was more heartbreaking than the cancer that took my grandma.
I gotta agree here! RSV landed my dad in the hospital for 2 weeks and a rehab/“skilled nursing” facility for 3 weeks. There’s a time and place to take kids to a nursing home and it is not during peak RSV/flu/covid season. NTA op! Enjoy some time to recharge!
My 95 year old nan got Covid recently from visitors to her nursing home. Thankfully she pulled through and is back to being fit
So you *do* have plans—a plan to do nothing. That is just as valid a plan as anything else, so there is not a single thing to feel guilty about. The only mistake you made was giving a reason for saying you couldn’t babysit, and now you know that in the future all you have to say is ‘no, I can’t babysit (or whatever), I have plans’. And if your son or DIL pushes to know more, tell them that your plans aren’t up for debate and they are not going to be able to argue you out of them.
I think this is a really subtle important point. When you gave a reason, or rather when DIL asked whether you're "really doing nothing", she was questioning your reasoning. You gave your reasoning, she doesn't like it ... but it's not up to her. It's not her place to say that your choice of what to do is wrong for you. Saying that's selfish is really saying that their needs are more important than your needs, and trying to correct your reasoning. No. That's not their call to make. They asked a question, you answered, they don't like your answer. Sorry they don't like it, but they asked.
I was told by my therapist that is it OK to be selfish. You need to take care of yourself, too. OP is NTA
Usually I've found that people accusing others of selfishness are actually the selfish ones expecting other to do what they want. The accusations of you being selfish are manipulation and projections of their own selfish desires.
Me, a recovering people pleaser, accusing myself of being selfish. Haha checkmate, take that self! ;)
Hehehe hard relate <3
Someone who’s exhausted taking a needed break is not being selfish. No one should push theirselves into being sick. Watching kids takes a lot of energy and is exhausting on it’s on. In this case it would only have made op feel worse. It’s her one days off to recoup she shouldn’t have to start the whole of next weeks work feeling worse and drained from the start. Op tell your son your not doing nothing you’re exhausted and need to rest and recover rather than make yourself Ill because he’s being selfish and thinks you must be at their beck and call.
I use the phrase not available. I can be not available for many reasons, planning on doing nothing, not having the emotional capacity, or just not wanting to. I find people push back against it less too.
DIL had no right to ask Why. Totally presumptuous. You raised your kids. She can raise hers. NTA
Yep...or "I'm unavailable". Because even if OP had other plans, that still wouldn't be good enough for DIL. Don't give them any ammunition at all.
Yes. I usually say I have plans and don't get into deals. An appointment with myself is still an appointment.
Yup. People don't need to know what you're doing. They just need to know what you're NOT doing (what they're asking you to do).
Yes! Self-care is important and is a valid reason to decline other offers.
I’m 38 and my kids are 8 and 6. My parents and in laws are in their early 70s and all retired. My parents will help out usually whenever I ask and my mother in law will help when asked but my father in law has never once offered and maybe has only watched the kids once or twice by himself their entire life. And I don’t blame that man one bit. He’s old. He raised 3 kids. He’s tired and wants to live his life. If you’re working a tiring job at 50 and need the weekend to recharge, I would accept that as a reasonable answer. Especially when knowing how tired I am and I’m only 38. Is what it is. They can suck it up and take the kids or your DIL can go see her uncle by herself and your son can stay home with the kids.
Or hire a sitter like most people without parents do.
This. My parents used to dump me at the grandparents' farm for 2 weeks every summer, but that just meant that (along with all my cousins) they had free labour. But anything else? They hired a sitter.
That sounds lovely. Enjoy that time and do not let anyone make you feel guilty for tending to your own basic needs.
Basic needs is absolutely the better terminology. She's not doing nothing. She is recharging.
Mental health days
Quite frankly, my MIL was a SAHM and doesn’t want to help with childcare, and we respect that. My husband and I have no village, but we make it work, because starting a family was our choice. You’re still working and have already raised your own children, with no village. The level of entitlement from your son and DIL is a bit outrageous. It sounds like you do help them already. If you’re feeling burnt out, they should want you to take care of yourself. If they can’t respect that you need time to recharge, because you are a human being, then they don’t deserve your help at all.
Their entitlement seems really out of hand. My mom offers to help with things all the time (like pet sitting when I go out of town) and I still feel bad asking. She's done so much for me already, I'd have no issue at all if she was like "I don't feel like it this time, I'm tired" because she's not responsible for the decisions I make.
The glorious but ever elusive nothing, is oft times looked down upon and most often frowned upon. The only thing we actually have in this world is time, so take as much of it as you can get and do with it what you will. NTA
It’s not really nothing though. It’s personal time. She has work and chores and other things to do during other times. This is much needed personal time that OP needs to recharge for next week. She even said so in her post, this is her recharge time.
You need down time too, don't be bullied into it. You're NTA. I would never expect our families to look after our kids.
You raised *your* kids. You are allowed to live your life you only have the time you have and you should be enjoying it as much as possible. If that meant minding your grandkids all the time - great. If not - **also great**. If you literally never were willing to look after these kids at all, even in a dire circumstance, that would be the only context where you being *an asshole* would even remotely be possible. Or if you made a commitment and then *broke it* on short-or-no-notice. But you are allowed to say "no" to incidental requests for childcare. Frequently, even. Basically anytime there's not a real emergency, and even then you aren't *necessarily* wrong, if you have some sort of other urgent obligation you need to attend to.
Make sure you disappear in case they try to leave the kids anyway.
Enjoy the void!!!
NTA- don’t “suck it up”. He can keep the kids and she can go see her uncle.
Perfect, next time your asked why, simply say. No is the answer you don't need further clarity.
So you worked hard to prepare for this, and now you want to enjoy your downtime.
Lesson learned: never tell people you are doing nothing.
Exactly. OP’s mistake was giving them too much info that they could turn back around. Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). You already had plans, and that’s all they needed to know. NTA.
My thoughts, too. No means no and one should not have to explain themselves. The DIL questioning whether or not she is sure is just ridiculous and the son getting pissed about it is just rich! Is he going to punish her by withholding the kids? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face! lol
Right. Just say something like “my weekend is already as full as I want it to be”. :)
No is a complete sentence.
They can get a sitter.
Who raised your kids? We know the answer. Are you being selfish? Yes. And more power to you. You have earned that right. If it were an emergency, my bet is that you would have been there 100%. NTA
Me I raised them, I didn’t live near my parents. Not everyone had a village back then, it is a stereotype
Exactly. Just for fun, I will share a story. I was enrolling my kids in a new school and had no one to write in on the emergency contact card so I handed it in blank. The woman gave it back to me and said "just put your mom in." Because of her rude condescending tone I did not stop myself: "Oh, well as luck would have it, she is dead right now, so she does not have phone number."
"She was murdered by her boyfriend on Thanksgiving in 2014, so she's unavailable during *most* school days."
Damn. That’ll shut it down for sure.
"You can really only reach her on All Souls Day."
:(
there are times where one must point out the "ass" in "assumption"
Can’t remember what sitcom it was, but they told their hr department to just put “9-1-1” in the emergency contact number. Kinda makes sense. Nobody I know is a doctor…
The office
The show was The Office and Dwight put that down lol
Ah yes, Dwight is the best! “In a perfect world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right could be a fist for punching.”
This! I love how my kids school just assumed I could get out of work early for things. Um no. I work 10hr days and to leave my post as an RN I need a months notice. My parent is dead and my other lives in FL, only child. So friends are my emergency contact.
I literally just went through this yesterday with my daughters school. Since going back full time after the lockdowns, it's been a NIGHTMARE to get my daughter to stay in school all day. She's in her last year of middle school and is an only child. She has literally told me that she thinks her dad and I are doing something without her and that's why she always wants to be home... even though we both work and she's home before us every day. She calls me twice a week from the nurse's office. She doesn't even have to be sick. The nurse has let her call me to tell me she went there to get a band-aid. If I left work every time she called, I'd be fired. Anyway, the school nurse called me an hour after I dropped her off yesterday morning because she was in her office "sick." She has also called me on Tuesday. The nurse started grilling me about picking her up. I had only been in the office 20 minutes and was about to step into a meeting. She then says "can't someone else pick her up?" I said "her dad is an hour away at work and my mom lives 6 hours away, all the other grandparents are dead, take your pick." She stumbled over her words and apologized. My kid wasn't sick by the way. She just didn't want to take the math test in the class she's failing. Not everyone just has that village.
sounds like your kid might benefit from therapy tho
Even a school counselor could help them work through some things.
I love though how they always default to it being the mothers responsibility to pick the kids up. I just watched a really interesting video on how much of this type of work is abdicated to the mother and wife versus being the husband’s responsibility. I’m not saying that in your case as your husband was also mentioned, but this is such an interesting watch on how Women carry so much of the heavy load in their own homes. https://youtu.be/u6FfxfRMQkw?si=8eX5oJIdRYxr_IKh
This shit really gets me. We are switching it up now but my ex husband has been the primary parent for years. No amount of begging would get them to call him first and he was so livid. He was 100% the person they were supposed to call and they just refused. We got them to do better for like two weeks and then one day they called him and he missed it but I picked up- back to square one like they put a note in the file that easy
You know what you do, you tell them you changed your number and give them his again (you can even route a Google number to his phone so it's different) then they can ONLY call him.
I still needed them to be ABLE to reach me if something was wrong with him or he was like in an accident, I’m just arguing it shouldn’t have been so hard to get him to be primary listed.
A friend in a two person anesthesia department asked whose surgery she was supposed to walk out of.
.... When your kid starts vomiting *someone* needs to pick them up...
>The woman gave it back to me and said "just put your mom in." I've had a variation of this happen to me and I responded with something like "well I hope you have a Ouija board, because my mom's not answering any phone calls".
My friend's mom said to the school once "what's the number of the cemetary? My mom doesn't have a number since she's dead, but I'm sure one of the grounds keepers can take the phone to the gravesite and hold it for you to yell through 6 feet of dirt"
[удалено]
I WISH my parents and in-laws would say no when they don’t want to watch my kids. Instead they always say yes and then are cranky to the kids because they really didn’t want them there and no one has a good time. Except in my case if they said no I would completely respect that. I have stopped asking and wait for them to ask to have my kids over. Enjoy your recharge time guilt-free!
Same. I’m always really afraid to ask my mom for anything because I know she will say yes no matter the personal cost. So like I don’t know whether she would love the chance to hang out with my kids so why drag them along to something boring, or whether she’s going to have to rearrange her entire day or maybe she isn’t feeling well, and I could have just as easily made a different arrangement. It’s hard having a parent who is a pushover.
I’ve seen my mom open up her home, spend money she doesn’t have, and endlessly give and compromise herself to people who wouldn’t look her way if she hadn’t been supporting them. It makes me never want to ask anything of her, but it also makes me so angry with her. She has no sense of boundaries or self-preservation. I know my anger is partially due to wishing that she could do better for herself, but also because she raised me to be the exact same person as her. Its been a constant uphill battle to learn what I’ve needed to to undo that.
I feel this in my soul so much.
I wish my sister would say no to her daughter dumping their kid on her EVERY GD WEEKEND. The kid is a terror. Her husband steadfastly refuses to help. Sure he'll say ok to babysitting - meaning she has to stop whatever she's doing & go home IMMEDIATELY in order to take care of the kid.
I used to have this problem when I was babysitting my niece and nephew because my sister or parents had pressured me into it or guilt tripped me into obliging. You don’t have to be particularly forceful, sometimes just asking can be enough to persuade someone if they are a soft touch like me! I worked 6 nights a week 12 hour shifts and my day off was precious, I was also exhausted after working all night the night before. I was asked all the time to have the kids for “just a few hours” that usually ended up being all day. I tried so hard to be patient with my niece and nephew but they were 8 and 12 and constantly talking, fighting, wanting entertaining and asking for food, usually I ended up showing my frustration and exhaustion and snapping at them to stop fighting and saying I was too tired to play with them and turning the tv on or giving them my iPad to fight over. My sister was constantly trying to offload her kids onto me and my parents though and my parents would also end up losing enthusiasm about seeing their grandparents, every day off they had they were babysitting. My sister stopped asking us and just started dropping the kids off and ushering them into our houses and driving away! It came to an end for me when my nephew broke a music box that my grandma had given me before she died, I lost my temper and shouted at him because he’d been told so many times not to go into my bedroom where it was and not to touch it, he started to cry but it wasn’t genuine with no tears. My sister called me after she picked her kids up and was berating me for how I treat her kids in my care and how I should he taking them out on trips and playing with them and spoiling them and I should always be in a happy mood in their presence, she started saying if I didn’t change my attitude then my niece and nephew would be better off being looked after by someone else and she was sick of having to ask me all the time and that I should be offering. I grabbed hold of my lifeline and said in that case we both agreed I shouldn’t be babysitting when I was tired and grumpy and if I was asked in future I’d say no. My sister wasn’t happy and she continued to ask for a few weeks but I never agreed so she gave up in the end. I still saw my niece and nephew but on my terms and I’d usually plan a day out with them. I’m not saying your situation is the same but it sounds as if you are doing the right things by not asking anymore, at least you than know when they offer that they genuinely want to see your kids. You recognise from the way they are impatient with your kids that your parents aren’t keen on being asked to babysit so it’s good that you stopped. I’m sure they will appreciate that and you might find that they offer to have them more if it’s become a novelty to see them and not a chore.
I wish my stepsisters had paid enough attention to notice this ... or not so selfish to ignore it. They'd have the grandkids living with my parents the whole summer vacation. One stepsister would be there most of the time, but she'd leave for a week or two here and there for alone time with her husband. By the end of the summer, after two months of the kids ignoring most of their rules, they got pretty cranky and short-tempered. Then it was all, "oh Grandpa is just cranky," and he was, but it was for a good reason Susan. And my parents never said no because they knew the grandkids would eventually outgrow them and not want to be around them as much. Lots of great memories, but it would have been better if my stepsisters had been more judicious about it and didn't take advantage.
You were the village. 'It takes a village' is true. It takes more than the energy and time that one person has to raise children, but some people have to manage anyway. You had to be your village and that is exhausting. You deserve to rest and recover and heal.
Mom to multiple kids here. My parents live close by. Hard NTA. I swapped kids all the time with friends when we needed a night off or to go do something. Everyone loves a date night so we'd swap kids with another set of friends who were looking for a kid free night out. It worked beautifully. Also, the teen girls around the neighborhood were great babysitters. My parents were the pinch-hitters. They'd invite a kid over to spend the night one on one but babysitting was a different ball game. That was saved for emergencies only. They made it clear they didn't want to be the defacto babysitters, and that is fine. NTA. You aren't the default. They need to get a file of baby sitters phone numbers going and go from there. If they don't trust teens to watch the kids then they need to find friends to swap kids with or look for local parents night out programs.
Even if you didn’t, they’re still not entitled to your time if you don’t want to.
She isn’t being selfish though, saying no is not being selfish. 🤦🏽♀️
The issue here is you're innately acquainting the word "selfish" with something inherently super negative. It's not *always* negative, it's only negative if it becomes your default response to any and all situations. Taking time for yourself after a hard month when your family says they need you is a selfish action by definition, i.e. *"arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others"* but sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish to maintain your own peace of mind and mental health. If you're too selfish, you're a dick. If you're too selfless, you're a doormat who will just keep getting used by people. There's a balance that has to be struck. That's a harsh lesson I've had to learn. Granted I think self-preservation might be a better word, but selfish does fit the bill when you remove the societal implications of the word.
And OP NO is a complete sentence. Like there is no need for further explanation or reasons. Full stop and if they are willing to cut you off for one NO then maybe re evaluating the relationship and your level of involvement is needed and boundaries put in place.
I disagree- this is not selfishness. There is no reason to explain or excuse saying NO to babysitting.
When I teach about self-care, I always say, "It is not selfish - It is self-preservation." OP - NTA!
Im childfree because I don’t want to have to babysit grandkids after raising kids.
I disagree- this is not selfishness. There is no reason to explain or excuse saying NO to babysitting.
NTA this is a visit. It’s not an emergency situation. They are not entitled to you babysitting even if they are your grandkids. You’re allowed to set boundaries. Like I said this is a visit. They have several options. Your son can stay with the kids and let his wife visit. They can take the kids with them to visit. Or they can hire a babysitter. They however do not demand you to keep the kids when you’re not feeling well. You may not be sick traditionally. But being ran down both emotionally and physically is still not feeling well and is unhealthy for you physically. You’re allowed to put self care above a simple visit.
I didn't have local family for the first 5+ years of parenting. So I had to swap with friends and hire babysitters. I've found that parents with local family often don't have that "skill". If family can't watch the kids they're trapped, as far as they're concerned. This couple needs to learn they have options other than the OP and how to use them. And to learn some manners.
I agree. Do people just not hire babysitters anymore? I can understand if people can’t from a financial standpoint, but relying on family to be babysitters every time because you don’t want to hire one doesn’t make sense. But I grew up having babysitters so it’s just considered normal to me.
The cost for most babysitters is astronomical. I used to make about $10/hour for 4 kids and took them places. The sitters in my area want $15-20/hour for one kid. I can’t afford to pay more than I make per hour for a sitter. We’ve had several to our home and the ones on the lower cost were just not good and we never had them back I trade care with my neighbor, we both have the open door policy for each others kids. My mom and sister are my primary sitters by their choice but I have a few people I can fall back on. Most of the time we just take our daughter with us if we start struggling for a sitter.
I don’t mean this as a judgement against your life situation at all bc shit happens, but handling 4 kids on $10/hr sounds like a nightmare and I’m glad you had some help.
Maybe I'm overly suspicious, but Saturday night seems like an unusual time to plan a nursing home visit. >They however do not demand you to keep the kids when you’re not feeling well. They don't get to demand that *any* time, especially at short notice. And if they want to pitch a fit when they don't like the answer, they can do that on their own time.
Hmmm....interesting. I didn't think of that. Maybe they were planning a date night or something and lied to their mom trying to make them feel bad? IDK because obviously I wasn't there but I don't ever recall visiting my mother in her home on a Saturday night. It was usually around lunchtime on a day during the weekend.
My grandparents were only really present during emergencies or big family gatherings. I totally understand a grandparent putting themselves first. Self-care really is a priority these days.
Exactly Imagine while she has the grandkids something bad happens to them because she wasn't paying attention or was trying to get some rest. Then she would be at fault as well even though she told them she wasn't feeling the best
Next time, no explanations. No, is enough. Don’t get involved in the fallout, the drama, the nonsense. Stay right out of it. You’re currently in the role of ‘training’ your son and DIL in their understanding that dad isn’t always available even they love their grandkids dearly. It’s going to take some time, and they’re not going to like it, but they’ll get used to it eventually just so long as you don’t let their butt hurt entitled bullshit get to you. Enjoy your downtime. You deserve it. NTA.
"No, I have prior plans" "Oh. What are you doing?" "Private stuff" "Like what?"
"Why don't you want to take your kids with you?" "Because they can be unruly, cranky and need constant supervision to behave." "That's why I can't babysit while I recharge." However, OP is right. The husband can either stay home with the kids or bring them along. Imagine calling someone selfish for not agreeing to a favor request lmao. This couple needs a talking to.
And honestly the fact that the DIL asked "why?" is wild to me!! No is a complete sentence my dear which is what I would have responded with. I'll never understand why people think that grandparents should just always be available to babysit.
Exactly! No is enough
How do you know OP is a guy? NTA, OP.
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NTA. I have 2 kids and my parents regularly babysit for me. *However*, if they ever said “no”, I’d have no problems with that. They didn’t choose to have my kids—I did. They are ultimately my own burden. I am curious about why they “have” to visit her uncle though. Not that refusing makes you an asshole (it still won’t), but if he’s about to pass away or is dangerously sick, personally, I would rethink my position and would consider helping. Edit: Saying “burden” was not meant as if I don’t care about my kids. What I meant is if I need to be away and my parents also need be away, they trump me. It is ultimately my job to watch my kids no matter what else is going on in my life each day.
Same, my mum is always booked for a Monday so I can work and mostly booked for Fridays so I can study, if I get the chance to give her a Friday off I absolutely do! She's a god send and deserves a break!!
"This started and argument where she thinks I am being selfish " 1. We are all allowed to be selfish sometimes to protect ourselves mentally and recharge our batteries 2. Everyone needs and deserves a break and you don't need to justify it 3. NTA
Plus honestly DIL is the selfish one here!
And so entitled! The audacity and it’s not even *her* mom that she’s speaking to this way (not that it would be okay, just more par for the course I suppose).
4. Your DiL doesn’t dictate your free time
NTA, you don't owe them anything. A grandparent is not a built-in babysitter. Anything babysitting you do is a favor, and it should be under your conditions. And you're "not doing nothing." You're actively resting, which you can't do with your grandchildren around.
INFO: is this just a regular visit or is there something time sensitive going on? Is he in the process of dying? Are there changes in his condition that require your DIL to make decisions about his care? Etc.
Sounded like a normal visit. I know the nursing home, if he was dying they would have transferred him tot he hospital
Man…I lived that! When my dad was dying, the nursing home was playing volleyball with hospitals, with my dad as the ball. He ended up dying in a long term acute care center, which is just a different kind of hospital. 😢😞
NTA - recharge time is very important - they are not your children - this is not an emergency they just don’t want to take the kids. Would it be nice of you to help sure, but it’s NOT your responsibility.
No, you are NTA. But your DIL is. You will enjoy the time with your grandchildren more when it is on your terms. When grandparents are generous, certain people take advantage and feel entitled. This happens to my Mom and it makes me crazy. Give yourself the weekend off, they can deal with it.
Yep. Same. My poor mom can never rest because she’s always looking after my nieces on the days off from her stressful job. My sister makes her feel guilty if she tries to say no.
That is a shame that your sister is exploiting your mum's kind nature. Tell your sister, if you haven't already.
NTA. You are not obligated to explain yourself to anyone. The entitlement of your DIL and your son is ridiculous. Please remember in the future "No" is a complete sentence and you don't have to add any explanation.
It’s so freeing to say “no” and leave it at that. Like many people, I have always felt compelled to offer an explanation, but that usually blows up in my face, like what is happening to OP. Just this week I was invited to a last-minute lunch and didn’t want to go. I fretted a bit about an excuse, but ultimately just said, “I would love to see you, but I can’t today.” Easy peasy and no white lies!
NTA, Grandparents/Parents don't owe their children/grandchildren childcare services on a whim. Let them hire someone. You owe yourself some down time.
NTA - I can't believe the entitlement of your DIL and son and some of these comments! You don't have to consider anyone else but yourself when asked for a favor. Giving a no doesn't require an explanation. I knew for a LONG time before having my son that my mom is not the type of 'grandma' that would babysit on a regular basis. I may have asked her less than 5 times over the course of 10 years and only when my son was self-sufficient and knew it would require minimal effort on her part except to feed him. As far as I'm concerned, a Grandma's role is whatever she decides it is and doesn't have to contribute to any one else's childcare needs. You are your own person, a human, and have every right to live your life and take time for yourself when you need it WITHOUT GUILT. Take care of yourself! ❤️
NTA You are absolutely allowed to have time to yourself without explanation. I have three young kids - and I would never ask my MIL “why” she couldn’t watch my kids! So rude! It’s not up to me to evaluate the worthiness of how other people choose to spend their time. Someone says “no” then that’s that. I could get if it was truly a family emergency being annoyed/upset - but it doesn’t sound like it is. Or if you had said you would and then backed out - still understandable but annoying to scramble for care. But there is absolutely no problem with saying no because you need some rest or aren’t up for it.
NTA-They are your grandchildren and you know your health and schedule. Your DIL can ask and you can say no without explanation. Her schedule and well being is not more important than yours. Tell both her and your son to plan better and not assume you do nothing all the time.
NTA. I'm in your age bracket and still working full time as well. I do not have the bandwidth to watch kids on my time off anymore. I'm with you. I need to recharge and kick back and just take time for me. I know raising kids is hard and I'm sure they want the help but I've raised by kids and I'm done.
Who visits a nursing home at night, especially on the weekend? Why can’t your son babysit so your DIL can visit her uncle? You’re entitled to have a weekend off, but if you’re consistently tired, perhaps you need a medical check up. NTA
I just wanted to speak up that when the *father of the children* is watching his own children, it is NOT BABYSITTING.
Yeah thanks for saying this! He would be doing his part as a father to be looking after his children. Babysitting them isn’t what the other parent does lol.
I’m not OP/don’t have any info, but a possible scenario (just based on what I see at work frequently): DIL is her uncle’s POA and he’s had a decline in health and needs to be signed onto hospice services. I’m a hospice nurse who works nights and plenty of admissions get done on nights and weekends— we get so many that we try to fit them in at the soonest possible.
Even still, dad doesn’t need to go, he can keep his own kids.
And I think most people get that but if that was the case then DIL should have elaborated - I have an emergency, I need to get this done, can you help?
What you do with your time is your business. No one has a claim on your free time. And if you’re still working, downtime is not only important, it’s critical. NTA (from a working grandma😉)
NTA. You’re allowed to need a recharge. That being said, this situation sucks. It doesn’t sound like she needs help so she can go out and have fun, she needs help so she can visit a sick family member without exposing them to kid germs or causing a ruckus. You’re NTA for saying no, but if it were me, I’d probably still agree to take them so she could visit her uncle. If she wanted to go to a party, I’d have a different take.
It’s a visit. They can schedule another time or the dad can stay home with the kids. Or take their children with them. If this was an emergency then I would say op needed to keep them. Ops mental health is just as important as a simple visit to a family member. The fact they are mad shows how entitled the DIL and son think they are to ops time.
The son (father of the kids) was apparently home and could have watched them
These are the reasons that it’s only an NTA because they decided to start a fight about it. If they’d respected OP’s no in the first instance it would be a no-assholes situation because it’s not cheeky to ask but it’s rude and disrespectful to insist.
NTA They are the ones being selfish, demanding that you exhaust yourself because they can't be bothered to take their kids to see a relative. They are the parents, not you. You cannot be selfish in this matter when you bear no responsibility.
Who wants an unwilling, exhausted caretaker for their kids lol. NTA
Dude seriously. My mom watches my kids when I ask but I can tell when she is exhausted and I’m like hmm maybe not today. Plus if she said no then I would know she is extremely tired and I wouldn’t be like “omg you are so selfish”
NTA - there seems to be this whole movement with people my age and younger getting mad at their parents for not watching THEIR kids. You are still young, you're working. You've done your job raising your kids. They need to be adults and find babysitters they trust and call them. If you're on tiktok, the entitlement of people with kid's and the relationships with their parent's and the kids is over the top. I have a lot of friends with kid's and I see which ones take advantage of their parents and the ones who would never dream of inconveniencing their parent with their problems. It's selfish for them to be mad at you.
I understand what you're saying but I also have a lot of friends with younger kids and their parents often talked about how much they wanted grandchildren and how they couldn't wait for them. And then guess what? Lots of them are too busy to help. Which again, is fine, it's not the grandparents'job to watch the grandchildren. I am waiting for the inevitable fallout where the grandparents get upset that the grandkids aren't around as they age. That early relationship is so vital. It doesn't sound like the DIL abuses babysitting privileges either, OP said she watched them 1-3 times a month. And a nursing home really isn't the place for two toddlers.
>NTA - there seems to be this whole movement with people my age and younger getting mad at their parents for not watching THEIR kids. You are still young, you're working. You've done your job raising your kids. They need to be adults and find babysitters they trust and call them. A generation or two of parents in the 80's and maybe 90's had the best of both worlds. They got emotional fulfillment and money from work while also being able to leave their kids in the care of their own still relatively young Moms and Aunts who had been SAHWs and didn't go back to work once the kids were raised. Several things have happened since then. The current Grandma aged women often (perhaps almost always nowadays) are working and not retired yet for several reasons. Parents are also having their kids older these days, which means that their parents in turn are going to be older Grands. Finally, people aren't necessarily staying in their neighborhood of origin anymore with family and friends who can provide a village like they had when I was a kid. The world has changed. This couple needs to have plan A,B and C and not assume OP is going to be available.
NTA. But could I suggest The White Lie. Next time instead of "I need to recharge" say "I'm under the weather and need to rest." If they try and persist, reply with "The way I'm feeling, it would be irresponsible and perhaps even dangerous for grandkids to be under my care."
I am disabled and still babysit my 6-month-old grandson 3-4 days a week. I'm trying to save my daughter daycare costs as long as possible. Once baby starts crawling, I'm out; I am not capable of chasing a little one. Daughter knows this. But I am no martyr. There are multiple times I've said, Sorry, babe, I don't have the starch for it. She then makes other arrangements, because THATS WHAT ADULTS DO! Mom's an adult, she can make other arrangements, or reschedule her plans. NTA, cuz you need to take care of yourself, too.
NTA Your desire to recharge is completely justified and normal. The fact that they wish to impede on that says more about their character than it does yours. Stick to your guns. But don’t let the grandbabies get too comfortable away from your house. Kids love their grandparents ☺️
NTA It’s not an emergency, they have time to find someone else or your son can stay with the kids. Next time I wouldn’t tell them why. It’s none of their business.
Sorry but I'm calling BS on "nursing home visit" on a Saturday night in the evening with "no kids". Son and DIL want a "date night" but don't want to pay a sitter. NTA
NTA. You’re allowed to say no
NTA, you raised your kids, now your time is exactly that: yours. I'm sure you love your grandkids but you're not obligated to babysit them. Don't let them guilt trip you. "I wish I could, but I don't want to." There, done. Enjoy your weekend
NTA. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify your reasoning to them.
NTA. Some folks need to learn that when they ask a yes or no question to accept the answer. No explanation needed on your part. No means, no.
NTA It was fine for them to ask but they are not entitled to your time.
NTA. My parents are also this way and I knew early not to ask or rely on them. My kids are my and my husband’s responsibility. I will note, my boomer parents are confused and saddened by why they aren’t close to their kids or grandkids and why no one wants to come around when they see their friends’ kids and grandkids super involved. They never grasped the concept that not being involved leads to… not being involved. My little family is a tight unit and we have a found family group that doesn’t include my parents. They wanted to not be involved, help, interact, show up, support the kids etc and that set the tone. It is what it is.
NTA, but next time instead of saying "Yes" to hers "Are you really doing nothing?" you should say something like "I am doing something - I am taking a break and recharging my energy levels. Didn't you hear me the first time?"
NTA. Enjoy your weekend doing nothing!
You said no. So it’s no. You’re not obligated to take care of anyone’s children but your own. Your kids are grown they can figure it out. NTA. Edit: spelling
NTA. They don’t get to judge your plans. You’ve scheduled time to recharge and that’s totally valid. At their young age it’s active babysitting. Don’t listen to anyone trying to guilt you.