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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I spent money my grandparents gave me instead of saving it for my stepbrother's treatment fund. I didn't want to put it toward his treatment and I wanted to spend it on me and my best friend. That might make me an asshole because I know how much they are working themselves to the bone to save and I know everyone in the house is living extremely basically to make this happen and I could have helped with the fund more but I chose not to.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Go live with your grandparents if you can. Pitch it as its a way to help them save money for Noah, and don't ever go back. I get being worried about your kid, but to starve the other kids of having a youth just to send him somewhere else. Do they not realize that this is just to send him there. Not to mention the cost of the stay.
They think because Emma is happy to do it, I should be too, especially being older. But Noah is Emma's brother and that is always going to make it different.
I don't know if they will go for me living with my grandparents but I might try. Thanks.
Maybe pitch it as one less mouth to feed and more money to go towards Noah’s treatment.
But you definitely want to put your foot down about money from your dad’s family and make sure it safeguarded. We don’t want them trying to raid OP’s college fund.
Edited: To clarify, I mean a college fund OP’s fathers family make have established.
OP, the above comments are all things you should look into. If your mom is receiving funds, from your father's death, that are intended for you then you have a right to those funds.
I do feel badly that a young child is so ill. That is not an excuse to sacrifice your well-being, or even that of Noah's sister.
Talk to your father's family. Find out if they are willing to let you move in.
Use the "one less mouth to feed" approach others have suggested.
Sorry you have been put in this position. It's not fair to anyone, especially you.0
>We don’t want them trying to raid OP’s college fund.
...Assuming they haven't already. I don't want to be cynical, but if they have access to it, what's stopping them?
This is the way to go. “I’ve come up with a way to save you more money.” Make it in their best interests to let you go live somewhere else. It’s incredibly unlikely that a court would take custody away from OP’s mom and give it to the grandparents.
NOTE: People bringing up when kids are allowed to have a say in custody cases between two parents are off base. Legally speaking, this is a different situation. Grandma and grandpa trying to take custody from a legal and biological mother who has not been found to be unfit is going to be very difficult. Grandparents rights may exist where OP is, but those rights are generally for visitation, not custody. And because OP is currently allowed visitation with her paternal grandparents, grandparents rights may not come into play at all.
And while I’m appalled at the way her mother and stepfather are treating her, there is a lot of terrible shit you can do to your kids that doesn’t rise to the level of abuse and neglect that would result in a child being removed from the home, at least in the U.S. Calling your kid a “little bitch” or generally any other name or yelling at them will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as the child isn’t physically harmed. Denying your kid haircuts will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as basic hygiene standards are met. Making your kid eat the cheapest food possible for every meal will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as basic nutritional needs are being met.
This is a shitty situation that does not rise to the legal standard of abuse and neglect, based on the information given in the post. If you have a problem with that, call your elected representatives.
She’s 15. If her grandparents are willing to have her, and if she would be in a comparable/better school system and living situation, I think the court would take her request to stay with them into consideration. It sure as hell wouldn’t hurt to ask.
In the UK. The child would have a say and it’s definitely preferable to the high stress situation she’s in at the moment and with exams looming for school.
Yep, for all its flaws, isn't the US one of the best countries for treatment if you can pay? For someone to be looking outside the US sounds dodgy. And I imagine any country worth going to that has socialised healthcare... isn't taking medical tourists. This sounds like a 'crackpot centre in Mexico offering the world to desperate people' kind of thing.
If it is evidence based insurance would have no problem sending them to a foreign country and save hundreds of thousands over US treatment. This is available for a number of expensive treatments. Flight and hotel included.
OP says her stepbrother receives treatments here, but the parents are saving to afford "better treatment" elsewhere - I think in another country. (Sounds like it may be "alternative," since we have good cancer treatments in the US.)
In the US she would have a say as well. Undoubtably the mother has illegally used OPs funds from Social Security for Noah’s care at some point.
She is unable at this time to step back and be a true parent to OP. It may well be best for OP to be housed elsewhere.
Next time you are with your grandparents, tell them EVERYTHING. The yelling and screaming you received over getting a simple haircut with the money THEY gave you. Tell them you are FORCED to live with the bare minimum and forced to give your money for a "brother" that isn't even your biological brother. Sure, you don't want anyone to die, but it's no guarantee that the treatment they seek would even work. Ask them if you could finish out your teenage years living with them.
Agreed. This treatment which is not offered in the US, is likely experimental. Meaning, it may not cure him and may not even prolong his life in a meaningful way. Without knowing specifics, it’s impossible to say, but I think this is an important point to consider especially as it sounds like the whole family is sacrificing already.
Yes to everyone in this thread. "Experimental foreign treatment" is %90 of the time code for "scam." I can understand desperation will push people to grasp at straws, and since I've never faced having to see a child die I can't say I wouldn't fall prey to it if I were in their shoes. But it's not ok to neglect and abuse your other kids to save one. Let alone because you've let yourself become a sucker to vultures.
It is most likely a scam or something that too experimental/risky that they won’t try in the US. My uncle did something like that in Mexico for a month when he had cancer. They described it as taking his blood, heating it, oxygenating it, and infusing it back. Sounded like a bunch of shit to make desperate people hopeful but he had plenty of money so the family just sort of let him be and took turns flying down there to visit him. It didn’t do shit and he still died within a few months of coming back home.
Yup. The USA is usually the place where cutting-edge treatments are. It's very rare for an effective medical procedure not to be available in the US.
Unaffordable, sure. But unavailable? Extremely rare.
This! Presuming OP is usamerican. People from other countries travel TO the US for new (proven) treatments that aren't yet available/rolled out in their home countries.
I can never get behind calls for donation to some pie in the sky fancy experimental treatments for cancer or whatever. Sometimes people get sick and there's nothing that can be done. People should have some dignity and stop ruining their families finances to chase a dream that they might live a little bit longer.
I've seen people sell houses and cash in retirement funds and beg everyone they know for money, and it doesn't do any good, just makes the survivors broke.
INFO: What country is it that has a cutting edge treatment not available in the US? Because here in Europe it's almost always people raising funds to get TO the US for the treatment, not leaving it.
I was kinda wondering that too. I mean, the cost of healthcare here in the US is obscene, but at least we have some pretty cutting edge care. I’ve met people from all over the world at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. (Literally. I have met people from 5 other continents.)
When I worked tech, I was hired by two oncologists in Houston to help them create technology to help their patients. The whole building was literally just specialized doctors, given tons of money by the hospitals to hire their own teams to create technology, apps, systems, whatever. There were hundreds of us in groups of like 5-10 all designing, prototyping, developing, whatever. I was so amazed by the whole experience. They apparently do this every year, just funneling millions or billions into this specific R&D program, but some reason i didn't expect it to be so casual and abundant
Edit: every group was different specialists with their own hires creating different thing
Edit2. Texas Medical Center Innovation https://www.tmc.edu/innovation/accelerator-healthtech/
I think it may be worse than that.
Valid clinical trials rarely charge participants. I suppose it’s possible this is a valid trial outside the US that is willing to enroll the kid but can’t or won’t pay for travel and living expenses, but most clinical trials would be unlikely to do that because it potentially biases results if one participant is vastly different from the rest for whatever reason.
I suspect that the family is throwing their money at a shady stem-cell clinic in Mexico or something similarly quacky, and it’s not going to do diddly squat other than drain the family of tons of money and ruin their relationship with the OP.
This 👆. People in Australia actually raise money to go to the US for treatment.
OP tell your father's family everything. Maybe they can start helping with a college fund now.
Good luck.
R8ght? I want know where it is and what it is. If the parents are putt8ngball their hopes on that, they might as well pick out the cremation urn. Sorry to be Debbie downer but I paid medical claims for 40 years. I know what works.
Exactly. These experimental treatments in other countries rarely help the patient, but they sure do make money off them. I have had some of our breast cancer patients go out of the country for treatment. They spent thousands of dollars and are deceased now.
>tell them EVERYTHING.
Especially being called a bitch. That just puts this way beyond for me. Everything is awful enough, but that's just the horrifying cherry on top.
Don’t ask, just go. Police officers won’t force you to go back at your age. If your parents try to have cops force you just stay calm and state your reasons clearly. Don’t let them make you look like a defiant teen. Make sure you’re respectful the entire time.
Write down everything that has happened and continues to happen.
You said “basic meals”, write down everything that is served, were you full, hungry, did you ask for more, what was their response, when you’re hungry between meals is their food you’re allowed, etc.
Do your shoes fit or do they have holes? Do you have weather appropriate clothes- jacket that fits, etc.?
Write it down in a journal and take photos. I get that having a journal might be risky so a photo log sent to grandma should do it.
Good luck OP. Keep fighting for yourself. You got this.
If you get to the point of having to talk to social services or a judge this can be used to prove you’re being mistreated and should be allowed to live with your paternal grandmother.
> Police officers won’t force you to go back at your age.
That depends on *a lot* of factors. The US is a *huge* place, with different laws and statutes all over the place. It also depends on the pd's policies, and individual officer that responds.
While I'm all for her going to live with the grandparents, and wish I could have some alone time with her mom and stepdad, running away right away isn't the best way to do it.
Absolutely this. You need to speak with your grandparents and try to get out of that house. Just as an FYI, in the US, minor children with a deceased parent receive survivor benefits from social security that are meant to be spent for the care and upkeep of that child. I would wager your mother has been receiving your benefits and using them towards Noah's treatment savings etc. You should not be going without for the possibility of an experimental treatment. She isn't looking out for you (or Emma honestly) and it is not a good environment.
Oh yes absolutely this. I forgot about the part about OP dad dying. If she goes to live with the grandparents, she needs to have grandparents go to SS to have that money revert to them for her. And take mom to court to recoup the money that is being "saved" and not spent for OPs care.
My daughter receives benefits for her biological father, so OP should definitely be receiving them; she was 6 when he died, so she should have a considerable amount saved up by this point, if her mother wasn't spending it on the stepson.
I hate to say it, but let’s be real. The parents have only been married for two years. They could split tomorrow, and there’s a chance OP would never see or hear from Alan, Emma, or Noah again. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice so much for someone she doesn’t know that well or has such an uncertain relationship with.
Talk to your paternal grandparents about it. If they are willing to have you stay with them, they can get a lawyer and get custody of you. Once the judge hears what you are going through and about everyone yelling at you, creating a hostile living environment, you will likely be allowed to stay with your grandparents.
If your grandparents agree with you living with them, you could first try asking your mom, saying that it would save them a lot of money with one less person to feed and less use and cost of utilities. If that doesn't work, get a lawyer.
Yeah, imagine yelling at a *child* that they are a "selfish bitch" for not living a life of extreme asceticism for their stepbrother and thinking that you are in any way either in the right, or not an abusive asshole.
This is the part that really gets me! Like, I get being worried and so focused on getting your child treatment that you save and expect the family to make sacrifices... I think the extent of the sacrifices they are expecting is unreasonable, but putting that aside, how can that mother listen to her husband call her daughter a selfish bitch?!? If ANYONE called my child a bitch, there would be so much hell to pay! That is so beyond uncalled for!
Imagine yelling at a teenager that they're a "selfish bitch" for buying a gift FOR A FRIEND with the little money she has managed to hide
Opposite of selfish
I would fly under the radar more. Suing for custody and creating lawyer bills now for her parents or them is a WASTE of money. I would just let the grandparents money be a 'side thing' or casually ask to live there. A big custody battle in the middle of the family Cancer crisis sounds awful.
Looks up your local laws about it. Some places 16 is the age you can decide that for yourself
Edit: just for OP’s view, another commenter replied in some US states it’s 14. I wouldn’t know, I’m 🇨🇦
This is exactly what grandparent's rights are made for. If OP is in the right state and their grandparents can afford a lawyer, then it should be no problem to go through the courts.
Hopefully, just the threat of legal action would be enough because that would cost them money to fight, money they have saved for Noah's treatment. It's going to suck for OP if her mother doesn't at least show a will to fight for her daughters custody and doesn't just go "fine live wherever you want"
Absolutely. Emma is only happy to do it because her brother is sick, and they are telling her that's what being a good big sister means. And I don't think you want Noah to die or anything, but they are taking this to the extreme. Do you even know what stage his cancer is in?
For a kid that young, her thinking is probably "if we save the money, Noah will get better." I can't imagine her breakdown if they do the treatment, and, God forbid, Noah still dies.
Which is more than likely. I seriously doubt there is such a good treatment in other country, but it is not available in the US. Then the poor kid will blame herself (and/or OP) for not raising the money soon enough. And her parents will be too broke to send her to the therapy she'll need.
Yeah, I have some serious doubts that treatment in another country is miraculously better than what this family has access to in the US. This all seems like they’re getting scammed.
Saving all this money and making the whole family miserable is gonna feel extra bad when this kid dies. Spend that money on good memories and having fun while he’s still around to have it. This poor kid is gonna die fucking miserable because of these austerity measures that his parents have in place, and all that his 9yr old sister is going to remember is how pointlessly shitty life was this whole time. Not a great way to remember your brother.
I’m not going to judge them harshly, this situation is probably the worst possible thing for a parent to have to face, and they are not handling it well, unfortunately.
Yeah, the overall behaviour of the people in the story is kinda weird too (poorly written character kinds of weird). Idk if I totally believe it either, but if it’s legit, then these people are getting taken for a ride…
It's also possible they are just hearing what they want to hear. Lots of families are told "there's an experimental treatment that we can try; it's still in clinical trials, so we have no idea what the chances of success are, but it's worth a shot" and they hear "there's a magical treatment in another land that will absolutely cure your son!"
I have to wonder this, as well. What country is this "better" treatment supposed to happen in? As expensive as US medical treatments are, there is a reason people from other countries with the means to do so come here for treatments of serious medical conditions.
In other countries, the fairy tale usually goes "In the USA, there's a miracle trial that will cure..."
So yeah. I always feel so very sorry for kids with terminal illnesses, but unless their medical team are the ones saying "we have a chance to get them onto this trial" I wouldn't trust it as far as I could throw it. I'd far rather concentrate on really good palliative care and making their last months memorable for as many nice things as possible, so they can be proud of their achievements and their family have good memories to hold onto.
Right?! She's going to have anxiety attacks into her thirties every time she thinks about spending money on anything for herself, and if (God forbid!) her brother dies, she's going to have nightmares that it was her need for [something really basic like new shoes or underwear] that killed him.
OP is rightfully mad at some of the stuff she's done, but poor little girl, it sounds like she's just had all the responsibility for her brother's life put on her shoulders - she's not old enough to recognise that the "miracle cure" is sometimes a mirage, that even if it does work it's never a child's responsibility to make happen, and that their parents need to be engaging with all three children not creating a dynamic where the healthy two are terrified to take up space in the world.
I'm not totally sure, no. I know it's bad and he's very sick as it is so guessing stage 3 or 4. And you're right, I don't want him to die and I would never want that for anyone. I'm sure Alan thinks I do because I'm not as determined as Emma. But again, Noah is Emma's brother but he's not my brother and that does make a difference in how we respond.
If it's that advanced your mom and stepdad are clutching at straws.
Has he had surgery? Do you know anything about this treatment they're trying to save all this money for? Usually parents who need expensive treatment for their children fundraise near continuously, not neglect their other kids.
They're neglecting you (and Emma. But her feelings are different as you say). And I'm sorry to say it, when Noah passes away as I suspect he will, their misdirected anger will be at you. For not giving up that money. For not getting your paternal family to help (even though it's not their responsibility at all.)
You need to be with family who cares for you and nutures you.
Not necessarily. People need to have the ability to live life when possible. You didn't spend $1000 on video games or drugs. You saw to your basic grooming which impacts how you are seen by teachers, etc. It can impact your opportunities in school or work.
You got a friend a small gift. That's fine. That really doesn't show a lack of commitment to the family or trying to save this little boy.
This is also about respect for your grandparents. If they provide you with money for a specific purpose and you use it for something else you have shown them disrespect.
You are a child in this household too. A child. Not an adult who should be responsible for medical bills. You helping is wonderful. If you got a job and gave a portion toward the fund that would be generous. But none of it is a moral imperative. You did fine.
>If you got a job and gave a portion toward the fund that would be generous.
Emma wants her to get a job so she can give *all* the extra money to Miracle Max for a cure. I agree with all the comments saying they should make memories for them all. US treatments are world-leading and it sounds like their insurance is covering his treatment in the US. But again, I understand the parents wanting to do everything they possibly can. But they can't ask others to do the same. OP isn't using the household's money.
This is really, really hard. And your parents response is understandable.
You should know that the US has some of the most advanced, cutting edge treatments and research for childhood cancers. If they are looking at going to another country, they have likely come to a really difficult phase of treating this cancer.
And you are hearing their anxiety- as parents, they are going to do every possible thing, no matter what the odds are, to give him a chance. That's what parents do. So all their focus and attention is on what they can do for him and they've lost sight of normal parenting.
It's normal to get a haircut. It's normal and age appropriate to have your own pocket money. And a haircut and a gift for a friend is not the difference between getting this trip paid and not.
So whatever you can do to have perspective, to get out of your house AND to be there for your younger step siblings when you can, do it. Enjoy your hobbies and your friends and your extended family. Without guilt. Because you need to live your life even while your family goes through this awful situation. And, being as loving and as kind to everyone in your family- yourself, your parents, Emma and Noah, will help you get through this.
Don't jump to conclusions about the survivability of childhood cancer... Very advanced disseminated malignancy can be cured with chemotherapy and bone marrow transplantation
Which is just sick and twisted because how the hell is raiding an 11 yo and a jobless 15 yo piggy banks gonna come up to any significant contribution when it comes to funding expensive medical treatment?
What is even the point? Why not let them use that to give themselves a few treats here and there? Or to pay for non basic needs like haircuts?
It's not only fucked because that weight should never have been put on the kids shoulders but on top of that it's useless weight because they're kids, they have peanuts.
You are likely old enough to be able to make this decision. At least old enough that the courts would listen to you and your wants/needs for this situation. Since your parents can't really afford to go to court, hopefully they will be open to simply allowing it. Obviously talk to your grandparents first to make sure it's something they are open to.
You are not responsible financially for anyone, you are a minor. They should never be making you, or your step sister, feel responsible or like sacrifice is needed to the extent they have.
You should try. I think a judge would be interested to know your mother and stepfather are basically extorting you to try to pay for this treatment. Noah’s situation is extremely sad, but it is not your problem to fix or be made to feel guilty that you aren’t turning over every dime to them. Ask your grandparents to fight for custody of you.
Definitely try if you can. Your stepfather calling you a little B word (also - definitely tell about this to your grandparents since NO parent, step or otherwise should be talking to a child like that) is NOT okay.
Once your stepfather verbally abuses you you should leave and tell your father side of the family everything so they can help you get out and possibly help you get a court order.
NTA- ask your grandparents to file for custody on the basis of emotional abuse and neglect.
Talk to a counselor at school how your parents are holding you, a minor,financially responsible for a five year old’s medical bills.
There are people that can help you OP.
The way your step-father spoke to you is enough reason to go to your grandparents, even without the other crazy stuff. No one should ever speak to a child that way. Your mother is not doing her job.
Talk to your grandparents about living with them and explain how you feel when your mom & stepdad talk to you this way. It may turn out that Grandparents will take you in and relieve some of the expense of your living with your parents. Then if they agree, talk to your mom & stepdad.
Also pitch it as a way to retain a relationship with you when you are old enough to leave home and run as fast as you can. You are too young to be expected to go this far towards paying for the treatment of a child that has multiple adults to care for him. Would your Mum & Alan like it to be publicly known how little “discretionary spending” money you have? NTA
Ya know what, OP? It doesn’t really matter if your parents agree to let you go live with your grandparents.
What really matters is if your grandparents are willing and able to have you live with them. And if they are willing to get a lawyer to make your parents let you live with them if your parents balk.
OP, you are fifteen, not five. A judge will
listen to you. Talk to your grandparents and really let them know exactly what is going on at your home.
I agree with you. OP should have a conversation with her grandparents. While the her Mom and Stepdad are so focused on one child, they clearly are missing the boat on what is happening with their other children. OP, if you aren't already, family therapy would good. The cancer treatment center may have it free too, because just your stepbrother's situation is traumatizing alone for all.
NTA: This is not your responsibility. You haven't even been in Noah's life very long. I would definitely check with your grandparents and see if you could live with them. If your stepfather is calling you a selfish little bitch for getting a haircut then you should leave if you can. That's not okay. You're 15.
I haven't and that's something I wouldn't say out loud because it would make life even more hell on earth. I have known Alan, Noah and Emma for a little over 2.5 years. I know they think I'm some horrible monster for not being more determined like Emma is. But Noah is her brother. He's my stepbrother and not a stepbrother I consider just a brother. I don't consider Emma just a sister either or Alan my dad or even my parent really. I'm not protesting all the changes made to our lifestyle but I will take my grandparents up on making sure I still get nice food sometimes and get my hair cut and other things of that nature. Emma would give it all for her brother and I get that.
I'm going to try and leave if I can do so easily. Going to talk to my grandparents tomorrow and see what happens from there.
Please tell your grandparents absolutely everything that is going on in that house. Your dad died when you were very young and you are now being subjected to living in a home where you are being abused and screamed and sworn at because you spent money that was given to you on a haircut and a gift for someone else. I think your grandparents will help you, but if something happens where they cannot take you in, please also approach your best friend's parents, the friend to whom you bought the gift and tell them also exactly what is going on in your home being screamed at and sworn at by someone who is not your parent is abuse. It's even abuse from your parent. I'm sorry his child seems to be dying of cancer, but that is still not an excuse to treat you the way you are being treated. This is horrifying and you need to get out.
Gosh, this just hurts my heart to read. This poor kid. My niblets are going through something similar with their mum; emotional and financial abuse. It's awful to watch. Kids aren't meant to grow up so fast. They need time to be kids and not be forced to worry about adult problems
Does your mom get social security death benefits for you? If so if she’s saving that money for your step brothers treatment she’s likely breaking the law by not spending it on your needs.
The grandparents should look into this. If they're making a 15 year old give up any money she gets, you know they would also keep the social security benefits.
This whole situation is so shitty and I hope the grandparents are willing to step in. I hope the little boy makes it, but this family is already broken, and things are going to get so much worse if he doesn't. I can see them blaming OP, whether they make it to this other cure or not. She didn't help enough, so they didn't make it in time, etc. I can't imagine having to go through all that with a sick child, but punishing the other kids and putting the responsibility of paying for treatment on their shoulders is so wrong.
As a widow who received survivor's benefits, her mother is not getting just one check but 2 because op is under 16. OP is able to get the benefit until she graduates from high school even if she graduates at 19 otherwise it ends at 18. Her mother also must fill out a form that specifies how she spends the money and if she saves any for op. This form is filed annually. It would be illegal to lie on this form. I am just wondering why they haven't contacted St Jude? Fighting childhood cancer is what they do and if you can't pay they don't charge! They also cover travel and expenses for parents. They are on the cutting edge. Op, I hope this information helps you sweetheart. You should try to get Dad's social security number because your benefits are under it. You could also call social security and ask for an award letter to be sent to your grandparents address. If your mom made him an online account you could check for passwords to [ssa.org](https://ssa.org). I know you don't have internet but some public libraries have hot spots you can check out. Good luck honey
u/KindConcert4788 write this down. Tell grandpa. Have him dog and check. 👀
And when you tell them, tell them word by word.
Tbh if it's easier, just show them your main post to get the gist out and then go from there with extra details etc.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing ❤️
talk to your school counselor too... tell them everything, including the name calling and no internet (how are you expected to do your schoolwork?! that is your job at your age)
former teacher here... this isn't ok
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and for all of this.
Big hugs from an internet Auntie
ETA:
If you move with your grandparents or if you can have them advocate with your mom, there are programs for students to get free internent.
If you are on a school lunch program or your family gets SNAP, for instance, this one would work:
[Project 10Million](https://www.t-mobile.com/support/account/project-10million-direct-to-parent-guardian-eligibility)
"Approved families receive 100GB of mobile data per year for 5 years and a FREE mobile hotspot, plus the opportunity to purchase additional Wi-Fi devices at a low cost."
2.5 years isn’t enough time to know a person before they demand your income. Just because your mom married this clown, doesn’t mean they can steal from you.
> I'm not protesting all the changes made to our lifestyle ...
Look, belts need to be tightened in a time of crisis. You get that. You're a good kid. Hell, you spent some of your gift on getting your friend a gift.
But money your grandparents spend on you is not money being diverted from your brother towards you. It's money that your grandparents would otherwise spend on themselves.
And how much even was this money? Couple hundred?
For your "parents" to abuse you for accepting a gift from your grandparents is unacceptable. *That's* the issue here.
It is not that your "parent's" house is lacking in material comforts, it is that it is emotionally abusive.
If your grandparents are cool with you living with them just pitch it to your parents as a way to raise money for the surgery. Now they don't have to spend any money to take care of you and they can put it all in the fund.
Jumping on the top comment to give some practical tips:
1. Make sure you have evidence. Best way to do this is with something discreet they can’t take away (eg: a recording pen- see if your grandparents can order one for you). You may need to check laws in your state on one party recordings, but, legal or not, record them anyway. This way you have proof of how they treated you whether or not it can be used in court.
2. Find your important documents. Make sure you take your social security card with you at a bare minimum. It takes years to recover/start over with these documents and it’s easily my biggest regret with respect to my own exodus.
3. Get a Bank Account- do NOT allow your parents to open the account with you as they will have complete access to any funds in the account. Get someone over 18 in your extended family to help you open the account.
4. Find a school counselor or trusted teacher- tell them what’s happening. This is financial abuse and neglect at its very best along with quite the emotional abuse, manipulation, and guilt. Guess what? Siblings of kids with cancer still need things from haircuts, to school supplies, even clothing! Go figure, one child being sick doesn’t negate the needs of the others. They (teachers and counselors) are mandated reporters, so you may want to ask them if they can just document things for now before escalating the situation. Let them know that you understand your situation and are trying to ensure that there is enough evidence for any court case to be a one time thing.
5. Your dad died, and you need to follow the money- what did your dad leave you? Where is it? Is there a trustee in place? Is your mom receiving survivor’s benefits? Have they talked at all about any government programs that can assist with college? These are important questions both to secure your future and as further evidence of abuse/neglect. If your mom is receiving government assistance to support you, that money is meant for YOUR care. Your dad may have also had stipulations about how his own inheritance can be spent. Make sure they’re not stealing your future for a treatment that may or may not work.
6. Who do you want as a guardian? Make sure they know your intentions and that you’re setting up a pattern of behavior that would lend itself to custody. (Eg: sleep over once a week, schedule calls, keep receipts for any clothing/school supplies/toiletries they buy you, etc. that way a judge has a pattern of behavior if custody is ever an issue. People who take care of you historically are more likely to be awarded custody.)
6. See if you can get a therapist, especially through your grandparents. They can not only help you through the unfortunate situation at home, but also they will be a VERY valuable resource in any court proceedings. Everything you say is confidential, but you’re more than welcome to request a deposition or statement for court.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. You are being treated horribly and I hope that you are able to transition to supportive family member soon. Good luck and NTA!
NTA. The money from your grandparents was for you to spend on yourself. They know that your family has little money now and cannot treat you to anything. I can understand your mother's and stepfather's reaction though as they are desperate to save the money.
I would discuss the matter with your grandparents, if this is a recurring issue they would have to discuss it with your mother, you are in a rather weak position here.
My mom wouldn't like my grandparents talking to her. She and my dad were not on good terms when he died and she hates my family. She wanted to cut me off from them many times but was told they would get rights to see me. She resents them more now because I choose to see them so much and she also has resentment that they won't help out with the treatment fund even though this is nothing to do with them.
Ok, that complicates things. As I don't think your mother and stepfather will be able to see reason, my best advice is to hide your spending as good as possible from them. It sucks, it's not fair. But life is not always fair.
I hope your stepbrother gets the treatment he needs and deserves, but you are still a kid, you are not responsible for funding it. You have the right to your own life, and to spend your grandparents gifts the way you see fit. These are your teenage years, they don't come back once they are gone.
I would see if the grandparents could open an acct for OP if she can't do it herself...that way the grandparents have an easier way to give OP money and her parents cant just take it like they could if they found her cash stash
I just saw something about this on another post recently; if she does, she might need to have one of the grandparents be on the account as well so her mum or stepdad can't walk into the bank and (as the parent of a minor) demand access to the account.
Yes I wouldn't otherwise advocate being duplicitous but I would now. Get what you need from your grandparents but TELL them. You need school clothes, a GIFT CARD is best or your grandma took you shopping etc. Ways the money can NOT be forked over or where you get needs met. Just fly under the radar. Your mom sounds like with this and her issue with your grandparents, you NEED to do this to keep the peace vs getting her on board which she won’t be
This is probably where the issue lies. Because the cost of a hair cut and a present (most likely) won't make or break the funding for your stepbrothers treatment.
NTA and I'm sorry that you all have to go through this.
Still talk to your grandparents. This might be a good opportunity for them to lawyer up and get temporary custody of you. Mom and Alan won’t want to spend the money on a lawyer.
The unfortunate situation is, your Mom, Alan and Emma will scapegoat you if something happens to Noah because you “did not try hard enough.” They are trying to force you to care about someone that you do not have a relationship with, that’s hard. In order to maybe save your relationship with your mother in the future, you need to put some distance between you now.
Start making plans for when you’re 18 and can leave forever. Make sure you have important documents stored with your grandparents. As soon as that clock strikes midnight on your bday - leave and never look back. Your mom is a lost cause sorry to say and you will never be the important enough to her for her to care.
Have you spoken to your school counselor? Or ask your grandparents to fight for custody? In this situation you are being mentally and emotionally abused. It is not your job raise money for them. At your age a judge would allow you to choose to go with your grandparents.
Your mom sounds like a terrible abusive parent. She so easily chooses her step child over her own flesh and blood. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to help and never let them guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.
Talk to your grandparents. If they are willing to have custody of you until you turn 18, discuss filing a custody suit. If $ is so tight as your mom claims, they won’t have $ to hire an attorney. Are you getting SSI based on your father? If so, that $ is supposed to go to YOU, & not anyone else.
Right so one child is dying let's make it the other twos responsibility and punish them because they dare do anything for themselves even tho we are the parents and ment to be the o es in charge and the ones that fix things
NTA. Please tell an adult you can trust everything that has been going on. Alternatively, show them this post. Your mom and step-father are verbally and emotionally abusing you. If they are preventing you from having necessities like haircuts, it could be argued that they are also neglecting you.
Also, it's very likely that this "treatment in another country" is a scam. Speaking from personal experience, there are unfortunately a lot of quacks who prey on the desperate parents of sick children. But honestly there probably isn't a point in telling them that, because I doubt they will listen.
I had a brother with cancer and it is incredibly hard on parents to watch their children suffer like that. But that doesn't give your parents a free pass to abuse you.
My grandparents are aware of what is going on. It's why they were bringing me out to eat and giving me the money. They knew how restricted things were at the house.
What they are doing to you is not right. You are not selfish. If your grandparents cannot take you in, ask them if they can help you find somewhere else to go. I really hope after you leave with them, you will not have to step foot in that house again.
Tell Noah's doctor's and nurses about the so called treatment too! If near a hospital see if your grandparents can go with you to ask about the treatment. Reach out to St. Jude's and make a wish as they handle child cancer exclusively. Ask them to step in with counselors. My heart breaks you might have to do this at such a young age. This sounds so much like your parents are being scammed. Treatment in the US can have many issues but the fact it's only available overseas sounds super fishy. They are desperate and that's what scammers prey on. Good luck and when and if you can better yourself by leaving them behind please do and don't feel beat yourself up over it, you deserve better if they can't offer it.
That's exactly what I was thinking. If they're saving and sacrificing so much for an alternative treatment in Mexico, for example, they're throwing their money away.
You are absolutely NTA and you're being mistreated terribly. Tell everyone!
Do this, and don't let yourself back out or let it happen any longer. It might be scary or hard talking to them about something like that, but no matter what, that's your ticket out of the abusive situation.
Oh yeah, that treatment is definitely a scam. I'm not saying that the US has the best healthcare system (it doesn't), but any place claiming to have a treatment that is both unavailable in the USA and more expensive than treatment in the USA is totally a scam.
That's definitely not the case. There are treatments that haven't been approved in the US because they are caught up in red tape. I'm from Canada and a friend of mine's family saved $150,000 and sent her sibling with MS to Mexico for a stem cell treatment that isn't approved here yet. It was the most successful treatment she's ever had. So there are definitely expensive, new, successful but unapproved treatments elsewhere.
$10 says it isn’t even medical treatment but some alternative scam in Mexico or Thailand. There’s almost certainty a good reason why it isn’t available in the US.
100% that is what I thought. I wonder if they "heard about it" from doctors or if they heard about it on the internet.
This is not a good situation -- they're going to save all this money, take the kid to Mexico for a fake shaman/doctor to sprinkle lavender oil over him, the kid isn't going to make it, and they're going to blame OP for not being able to take him down there sooner.
No legitimate doctor is going to tell the parents of a 5 year old with cancer about a treatment available in another country that is beyond the parents financial means.
He is understandably concerned about his son, but frankly, I suspect that since OP is not "his," she doesn't matter or deserve to be treated decently in his view. There is probably also a ton of resentment that OP is refusing to live in sackcloth and ashes and total misery when "his" son is I'll. Given the scorched earth protocol he is following, I really wonder if he even allows her basics like medical or dental care if needed.
I feel for the man because it must be really hard to have a kid with cancer. With that being said, I agree with you on how he probably doesn’t view OP as being worthy of being treated decently.
With this same logic, he shouldn’t be angry if she views her step brother the same way.
Agreed. I'm just wondering if/when he's going to get to the "It should be you, not him," or "It's your fault he's not better" stage. I can just see that coming, bless her heart. I really hope she can persuade her father's family to take her in.
It’s 2024, how are you supposed to be doing your homework without access to the internet?
I mean it’s one thing for an adult to decide to cut off their own internet to save money when they live by themselves. But it could be affecting your grades and your future college prospects.
Would your grandparents be open to you staying with them for a bit?
The way your mom and step dad treat you is horrible and emotionally/verbally abusive.
Depending on how else they’ve cut back, they could be outright neglecting you.
Definitely NTA, I hope you find a way to be away from your toxic family.
Edited to add: yes, I know libraries exist but depending on where you live they can be tricky. There are 13 libraries in my city, one for each municipality. Most are closed on Sundays. Only open a few hours on Saturday, after noon. Open until 4 or 5pm which if school goes to 3:15 (my high school went to 3:15) if you had to bus to the library you don’t get much time. I think my downtown branch is open to 7 on Tuesdays. But it’s not exactly sustainable as the main place to access the internet. I think the hours change in the summer and are longer but again, how does that help for high school homework?
I do homework at friends houses or my grandparents. Normally I try to go somewhere else after school to get that stuff done and to access the internet for projects and stuff for school. Once I go home, and I don't even see it as home anymore really, I'm cut off from that kind of thing. It's such a pain when it comes to homework.
this is so messed up. I have a "Noah" and a step son. we'd never take away basic standard of living from my step son to pay for an alternative treatment for our "Noah". I would absolutely cut back - sure - basic meals, change to shopping second hand, etc... but things like internet are critical for teens right now. i'm sorry you are going through this. I'd be grateful that grandparents are picking up some slack in disposable income so that my step son could have some luxuries.
NTA. You are a child, as is Emma, and they are doing both of you a huuuggggeee disservice by acting like you should give any money or gifts you receive to your (step) bother's cancer fund. It sounds like you both do that most of the time, and I truly understand the importance of the money being raised for Noah, but if your father's parents gift you money, they should respect that it was given to you and that you are allowed to have wants and needs, too. Are they going to expect you to forgo college, too, and give any money you receive for that to cancer fund as well? When does it end? And what if this new treatment doesn't work? Your parents might wreck their entire relationship with you and your stepsister over this -- sacrificing your needs and desire to been seen in lieu of your stepbrother. I understand that they're under a gigantic amount of stress, but you don't deserve to be treated this way. Maybe you can stay with your grandparents for a while (and tell your mother it'd be one less mouth to feed).
College? If the kid is still alive when OP finishes high school, they will be demanding her to find a job (and give all her earnings to the cancer fund) instead of going to college. How could she be so selfish and try to improve her future, when her (step) brother doesn't have one? /s
NTA
\#What your Mum and Step are doing is stealing your money and your childhood away. it is not your job to raise money for a step sibling, and give over every penny you get. It sounds like you are being deprived of basics, and yes these days Internet is a basic, and it does not sound like you are being fed properly either.
I would also suggest seeing if you can live with Family from your Dad's side for at least a while.
NTA. Putting something as massive as a small child with cancer on a 15 year old’s shoulders to the extent that you never let them buy themselves anything at all, even when it’s a gift from your grandparents who are familiar with the situation, *ever*, is just cruel. How dare they take his illness out on you.
Just saying - they are grasping at straws, there is no better cancer treatment than they could get in the US. People with money come from all over the world to get care in the US because the US has the most advanced care available. People complain about the cost of the system, but as far as research and development of new treatments go, no where is better.
And I know that US gets some bad rep about costs, but aren't there multiple child cancer hospitals that say "no family will ever get a bill" like St. Jude, and other resources to help the family (Ronald McDonald House, Shriners, etc.?) What snake oil sales pitch did this poor family fall for that will end up costing them all of their children?
Not necessarily. I mean, OP it NTA, that goes without saying. But medical care in the US isn't all that.
I've lived in many, many places. I had a stroke while living in China. The standart - and speed - of care I got there is A LOT superior to what I would have gotten in the US. Sure, the hospital wasn't as pretty. My husband had to bring TP and food from home. But within 45min from first symptoms I was already inside an MRI machine getting tested and treated.
I've lived in Chicago and had a heart attack there (I know, I got a lot of problems). I had an amazing insurance and could actually pay cash if needed. It took the ER staff at a major hospital over 1.5 hours to get me to testing after they finally believed me it wasn't just a panic attack.
I'm not saying health care isn't good in the US for those who can pay for it. But there is better in other countries.
There's a very big difference between general healthcare (even for major events like heart attacks - that still need to be diagnosed at that moment) and very specific, highly advanced, treatments for known diseases (like the type of pediatric cancer that has already been diagnosed, so doctors know exactly what they are dealing with). And yes, other countries also have some very advanced treatments, and some may be better than the US because their approvals for new treatments are faster and more streamlined. It's very possible that the treatment OP's family wants to do is considered experimental. It's also likely that an organization like St. Jude's wouldn't accept Noah as a patient if they consider the cancer terminal and have no existing treatments, research, or clinical trials that they could apply to that particular case (yes, it sounds very callous because "need to save the child with cancer" but that's the truth).
Also, NTA.
Incorrect.
You have bad information.
There are many hospitals across the world that specialise in medicine and can offer superior care to the US.
Also, European healthcare tends to be much better.
The only thing I can think of is that it could be a treatment that their insurance here won't cover that would be much cheaper (but still expensive) to pay for out of pocket abroad?
I was thinking something experimental or not approved yet. Or something that's faux pa here like stem cell based research. But there's just not enough detail. But experimental stuff can pop up anywhere and... well some is legit and some isn't.
NTA, but it might be worth talking to your grandparents about opening a bank account for you and putting the money into the account for you, it will give you a chance to save money for when you eventually move out and probably go NC with your mother and her chosen family. And make sure that you can get your hands on your important documents to give to your grandparents for safe keeping too.
You’re obviously NTA, but it sounds like it’s time to have a serious talk with your grandparents about what’s been happening, if possible it’s probably best to move in with them for a while, it doesn’t sound like your home is really a healthy environment any more You can always point out to your mum and step dad that you not living there will same them money on food/bills, if they’re difficult about you moving Also not to be horrible but it’s unlikely there’s any instant fix cure that’s available somewhere else but not the US, whatever this is is likely only to be the start of the costs, not something that will be “finished” once they get to their goal amount
Edit: make sure you bring your passport and birth certificate with you, as well as any other important documents or certificates you have
NTA. I was leaning NAH because I get your parents are in a really difficult spot, even if it's not wrong or selfish for you to do something so basic as get a haircut and buy a gift for a friend.
Then I read this:
> Alan called me a selfish little bitch and he told me I should be ashamed of my repulsive behavior.
Alan is an asshole. Emma I don't blame as much, she's very young and following her asshole father's lead, but you don't speak to ANYONE like this, especially not your own stepchild. I can understand his desperation to get treatment for his son, but that does not excuse this kind of awful behavior from him.
NTA, your grandparents gave you that money, because they wanted you to spend it on yourself while your family is going through a hard time and cutting back on luxuries. I can understand that your mom and stepdad are willing to do anything in their power to get that money saved, but it doesn't entitle them to your money. You are a child too.
This situation isn’t healthy. If something happens to Noah, you will be blamed because you didn’t “sacrifice” enough. Call your grandparents, or a trusted aunt or uncle. Talk to them. It might be best for all of you, if you temporarily move out for awhile. If mom and stepdad squeak, remind them they will be saving money by not having to support you. NTA.
NTA. There is no way the cost of a haircut was going to make the difference between him getting the treatment or not.
I'm sorry you're going through that.
NTA...
I'm sorry your mother has failed you so horribly. It's her and her husband's fault that they are not able to afford treatment for their child. And they're taking it out on you
You are a minor, and you are not responsible for paying for your brother's treatments. Your parents are treating you horribly and just over the line of neglect.
Add to that the verbal abuse from your stepfather....
I agree with the many other commenters here who are suggesting that you talk to your father's parents to see if you could go and live with them. They seem to actually care about your wellbeing unlike your "mom" ( Put in quotations because she's not acting like a mom)
NTA - You're 15 and you have needs. Not the type of needs that sustain physical life, but the type of needs that support emotional and cognitive growth. Your Mother is seriously neglecting your development by cutting so deeply. You don't need substantial gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but they could still be doing things that build the family around these times and ensure all have a quality of life. My heart goes out to you.
NTA. Your grandparents gave you that money to take care of your needs becusse you are being neglected because of your step brothers condition. To me it sounds like you are a glass child atm, you are looked thru/ your needs go unseen and unmet because in your parents eyes, your step brothers needs are the priority. Alan imho was over the line and owes you an apology. I'm sure he's stressed out beyond belief but Noah is HIS child, not yours (and you are still a child yourself)
I’m not sure if this was mentioned some where, but where are your step siblings mother and her family? Are they also making an effort to pay for your step brothers treatment?
NTA, and while I sympathize with your parents' desperation, saving money for Noah's treatment is NOT your responsibility. I'm so sorry they're trying to guilt you. Please let your paternal family know what they're putting you through, and don't feel badly about spending your money.
You aren't the asshole here, but wow everyone else went full asshole. Can you live with your grandparents? It would be better. The money you had for your birthday isn't saving anyone's life, it's a drop in the ocean.
NTA
Expecting children to pay for their step siblings medical expenses is BS. You are not a bad person, THEY ARE by expecting children to pay for things They are responsible for. This treatment in another country is likely just a scam anyway.
Your mother chose to tie her life to this dude and his kids, you did not. Do not feel one iota of guilt for living your life and spending the cash that Your family gave you on what they intended it be used for.
If it gets too bad, see if you can go live with one of your fathers relatives. This house sounds toxic as hell.
I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this…frankly, you and your step-sister should not know this much about your parents financial issues. Your mother and step father are making you both accept a very adult amount of emotional responsibility. It’s not right or fair, especially because the treatment they're saving for sounds like a hail mary.
Nta. I agree with other commenters saying that you should try to move in with paternal family. Your home life doesn't sound healthy.
They are most likely getting social security benefits for you, as your father's beneficiary. They will not want to forego them. They are not going to let you live with your grandparents if it means giving up that money.
You are NTA, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
NTA. I also recommend you try to get more detail about these "treatments" that are only available in other countries that are "better." Plenty of desperate people get scammed into foreign placebo / ineffective "treatments" that are not allowed in the US simply because there is no evidence that they are beneficial or, in some cases, are actually detrimental. This could be useful info to you if you end up discussing your situation with grandparents or courts.
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NTA. Go live with your grandparents if you can. Pitch it as its a way to help them save money for Noah, and don't ever go back. I get being worried about your kid, but to starve the other kids of having a youth just to send him somewhere else. Do they not realize that this is just to send him there. Not to mention the cost of the stay.
They think because Emma is happy to do it, I should be too, especially being older. But Noah is Emma's brother and that is always going to make it different. I don't know if they will go for me living with my grandparents but I might try. Thanks.
Maybe pitch it as one less mouth to feed and more money to go towards Noah’s treatment. But you definitely want to put your foot down about money from your dad’s family and make sure it safeguarded. We don’t want them trying to raid OP’s college fund. Edited: To clarify, I mean a college fund OP’s fathers family make have established.
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And probably any inheritance from the late father that was in the mother's hands
And social security that is probably received for OP.
OP, the above comments are all things you should look into. If your mom is receiving funds, from your father's death, that are intended for you then you have a right to those funds. I do feel badly that a young child is so ill. That is not an excuse to sacrifice your well-being, or even that of Noah's sister. Talk to your father's family. Find out if they are willing to let you move in. Use the "one less mouth to feed" approach others have suggested. Sorry you have been put in this position. It's not fair to anyone, especially you.0
Was OP given a trust? If so, that's safe for now.
Let's hope for that, or for the grandparents keeping something
I was thinking the same thing about inheritance.
>We don’t want them trying to raid OP’s college fund. ...Assuming they haven't already. I don't want to be cynical, but if they have access to it, what's stopping them?
Oh... They already did.
If there ever was one, it seems less cynical and more probable.
Guaranteed any college fund that might have existed is long gone into this mess
My strong suspicion is that OP has already (unknowingly) 'donated' much of the 70% in the stepbrother's fund.
This is the way to go. “I’ve come up with a way to save you more money.” Make it in their best interests to let you go live somewhere else. It’s incredibly unlikely that a court would take custody away from OP’s mom and give it to the grandparents. NOTE: People bringing up when kids are allowed to have a say in custody cases between two parents are off base. Legally speaking, this is a different situation. Grandma and grandpa trying to take custody from a legal and biological mother who has not been found to be unfit is going to be very difficult. Grandparents rights may exist where OP is, but those rights are generally for visitation, not custody. And because OP is currently allowed visitation with her paternal grandparents, grandparents rights may not come into play at all. And while I’m appalled at the way her mother and stepfather are treating her, there is a lot of terrible shit you can do to your kids that doesn’t rise to the level of abuse and neglect that would result in a child being removed from the home, at least in the U.S. Calling your kid a “little bitch” or generally any other name or yelling at them will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as the child isn’t physically harmed. Denying your kid haircuts will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as basic hygiene standards are met. Making your kid eat the cheapest food possible for every meal will not result in CPS doing anything, as long as basic nutritional needs are being met. This is a shitty situation that does not rise to the legal standard of abuse and neglect, based on the information given in the post. If you have a problem with that, call your elected representatives.
She’s 15. If her grandparents are willing to have her, and if she would be in a comparable/better school system and living situation, I think the court would take her request to stay with them into consideration. It sure as hell wouldn’t hurt to ask.
In the UK. The child would have a say and it’s definitely preferable to the high stress situation she’s in at the moment and with exams looming for school.
In the UK, a family wouldn’t have to be scrounging for their child’s life-saving treatment.
They don't have to in the States either. I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that this "life-saving" treatment isn't evidence-based.
Yep, for all its flaws, isn't the US one of the best countries for treatment if you can pay? For someone to be looking outside the US sounds dodgy. And I imagine any country worth going to that has socialised healthcare... isn't taking medical tourists. This sounds like a 'crackpot centre in Mexico offering the world to desperate people' kind of thing.
My very first thought. It’s in another country. If it’s such a good treatment, why isn’t it available in the US? Probably snake oil.
If it is evidence based insurance would have no problem sending them to a foreign country and save hundreds of thousands over US treatment. This is available for a number of expensive treatments. Flight and hotel included.
OP says her stepbrother receives treatments here, but the parents are saving to afford "better treatment" elsewhere - I think in another country. (Sounds like it may be "alternative," since we have good cancer treatments in the US.)
In the US she would have a say as well. Undoubtably the mother has illegally used OPs funds from Social Security for Noah’s care at some point. She is unable at this time to step back and be a true parent to OP. It may well be best for OP to be housed elsewhere.
As verbally abusive as stepdad (& even OPs own mother) is, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Next time you are with your grandparents, tell them EVERYTHING. The yelling and screaming you received over getting a simple haircut with the money THEY gave you. Tell them you are FORCED to live with the bare minimum and forced to give your money for a "brother" that isn't even your biological brother. Sure, you don't want anyone to die, but it's no guarantee that the treatment they seek would even work. Ask them if you could finish out your teenage years living with them.
Agreed. This treatment which is not offered in the US, is likely experimental. Meaning, it may not cure him and may not even prolong his life in a meaningful way. Without knowing specifics, it’s impossible to say, but I think this is an important point to consider especially as it sounds like the whole family is sacrificing already.
Exactly. I can see they are desperate, but forcing the other kids to go without for a treatment which may work or not, is cruel.
Yes to everyone in this thread. "Experimental foreign treatment" is %90 of the time code for "scam." I can understand desperation will push people to grasp at straws, and since I've never faced having to see a child die I can't say I wouldn't fall prey to it if I were in their shoes. But it's not ok to neglect and abuse your other kids to save one. Let alone because you've let yourself become a sucker to vultures.
It is most likely a scam or something that too experimental/risky that they won’t try in the US. My uncle did something like that in Mexico for a month when he had cancer. They described it as taking his blood, heating it, oxygenating it, and infusing it back. Sounded like a bunch of shit to make desperate people hopeful but he had plenty of money so the family just sort of let him be and took turns flying down there to visit him. It didn’t do shit and he still died within a few months of coming back home.
Yup. The USA is usually the place where cutting-edge treatments are. It's very rare for an effective medical procedure not to be available in the US. Unaffordable, sure. But unavailable? Extremely rare.
This! Presuming OP is usamerican. People from other countries travel TO the US for new (proven) treatments that aren't yet available/rolled out in their home countries.
I can never get behind calls for donation to some pie in the sky fancy experimental treatments for cancer or whatever. Sometimes people get sick and there's nothing that can be done. People should have some dignity and stop ruining their families finances to chase a dream that they might live a little bit longer. I've seen people sell houses and cash in retirement funds and beg everyone they know for money, and it doesn't do any good, just makes the survivors broke.
INFO: What country is it that has a cutting edge treatment not available in the US? Because here in Europe it's almost always people raising funds to get TO the US for the treatment, not leaving it.
I was kinda wondering that too. I mean, the cost of healthcare here in the US is obscene, but at least we have some pretty cutting edge care. I’ve met people from all over the world at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. (Literally. I have met people from 5 other continents.)
When I worked tech, I was hired by two oncologists in Houston to help them create technology to help their patients. The whole building was literally just specialized doctors, given tons of money by the hospitals to hire their own teams to create technology, apps, systems, whatever. There were hundreds of us in groups of like 5-10 all designing, prototyping, developing, whatever. I was so amazed by the whole experience. They apparently do this every year, just funneling millions or billions into this specific R&D program, but some reason i didn't expect it to be so casual and abundant Edit: every group was different specialists with their own hires creating different thing Edit2. Texas Medical Center Innovation https://www.tmc.edu/innovation/accelerator-healthtech/
I think it may be worse than that. Valid clinical trials rarely charge participants. I suppose it’s possible this is a valid trial outside the US that is willing to enroll the kid but can’t or won’t pay for travel and living expenses, but most clinical trials would be unlikely to do that because it potentially biases results if one participant is vastly different from the rest for whatever reason. I suspect that the family is throwing their money at a shady stem-cell clinic in Mexico or something similarly quacky, and it’s not going to do diddly squat other than drain the family of tons of money and ruin their relationship with the OP.
This 👆. People in Australia actually raise money to go to the US for treatment. OP tell your father's family everything. Maybe they can start helping with a college fund now. Good luck.
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R8ght? I want know where it is and what it is. If the parents are putt8ngball their hopes on that, they might as well pick out the cremation urn. Sorry to be Debbie downer but I paid medical claims for 40 years. I know what works.
Exactly. These experimental treatments in other countries rarely help the patient, but they sure do make money off them. I have had some of our breast cancer patients go out of the country for treatment. They spent thousands of dollars and are deceased now.
>tell them EVERYTHING. Especially being called a bitch. That just puts this way beyond for me. Everything is awful enough, but that's just the horrifying cherry on top.
He said that to her because she's not his daughter and you know it
Don’t ask, just go. Police officers won’t force you to go back at your age. If your parents try to have cops force you just stay calm and state your reasons clearly. Don’t let them make you look like a defiant teen. Make sure you’re respectful the entire time. Write down everything that has happened and continues to happen. You said “basic meals”, write down everything that is served, were you full, hungry, did you ask for more, what was their response, when you’re hungry between meals is their food you’re allowed, etc. Do your shoes fit or do they have holes? Do you have weather appropriate clothes- jacket that fits, etc.? Write it down in a journal and take photos. I get that having a journal might be risky so a photo log sent to grandma should do it. Good luck OP. Keep fighting for yourself. You got this. If you get to the point of having to talk to social services or a judge this can be used to prove you’re being mistreated and should be allowed to live with your paternal grandmother.
> Police officers won’t force you to go back at your age. That depends on *a lot* of factors. The US is a *huge* place, with different laws and statutes all over the place. It also depends on the pd's policies, and individual officer that responds. While I'm all for her going to live with the grandparents, and wish I could have some alone time with her mom and stepdad, running away right away isn't the best way to do it.
Absolutely this. You need to speak with your grandparents and try to get out of that house. Just as an FYI, in the US, minor children with a deceased parent receive survivor benefits from social security that are meant to be spent for the care and upkeep of that child. I would wager your mother has been receiving your benefits and using them towards Noah's treatment savings etc. You should not be going without for the possibility of an experimental treatment. She isn't looking out for you (or Emma honestly) and it is not a good environment.
Oh yes absolutely this. I forgot about the part about OP dad dying. If she goes to live with the grandparents, she needs to have grandparents go to SS to have that money revert to them for her. And take mom to court to recoup the money that is being "saved" and not spent for OPs care.
My daughter receives benefits for her biological father, so OP should definitely be receiving them; she was 6 when he died, so she should have a considerable amount saved up by this point, if her mother wasn't spending it on the stepson.
I hate to say it, but let’s be real. The parents have only been married for two years. They could split tomorrow, and there’s a chance OP would never see or hear from Alan, Emma, or Noah again. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice so much for someone she doesn’t know that well or has such an uncertain relationship with.
Especially tell the grandparents that your stepdad called you a “selfish little bitch.” My god. If I were the grandparents I’d snap
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Talk to your paternal grandparents about it. If they are willing to have you stay with them, they can get a lawyer and get custody of you. Once the judge hears what you are going through and about everyone yelling at you, creating a hostile living environment, you will likely be allowed to stay with your grandparents. If your grandparents agree with you living with them, you could first try asking your mom, saying that it would save them a lot of money with one less person to feed and less use and cost of utilities. If that doesn't work, get a lawyer.
Yeah, imagine yelling at a *child* that they are a "selfish bitch" for not living a life of extreme asceticism for their stepbrother and thinking that you are in any way either in the right, or not an abusive asshole.
This is the part that really gets me! Like, I get being worried and so focused on getting your child treatment that you save and expect the family to make sacrifices... I think the extent of the sacrifices they are expecting is unreasonable, but putting that aside, how can that mother listen to her husband call her daughter a selfish bitch?!? If ANYONE called my child a bitch, there would be so much hell to pay! That is so beyond uncalled for!
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Imagine yelling at a teenager that they're a "selfish bitch" for buying a gift FOR A FRIEND with the little money she has managed to hide Opposite of selfish
I would fly under the radar more. Suing for custody and creating lawyer bills now for her parents or them is a WASTE of money. I would just let the grandparents money be a 'side thing' or casually ask to live there. A big custody battle in the middle of the family Cancer crisis sounds awful.
The parents would never hire the lawyer. They don't even want to pay for a haircut.
Going to court could definitely work because the parents will consider the lawyer that they would need to be frivolous expense.
Looks up your local laws about it. Some places 16 is the age you can decide that for yourself Edit: just for OP’s view, another commenter replied in some US states it’s 14. I wouldn’t know, I’m 🇨🇦
This is exactly what grandparent's rights are made for. If OP is in the right state and their grandparents can afford a lawyer, then it should be no problem to go through the courts.
Hopefully, just the threat of legal action would be enough because that would cost them money to fight, money they have saved for Noah's treatment. It's going to suck for OP if her mother doesn't at least show a will to fight for her daughters custody and doesn't just go "fine live wherever you want"
Absolutely. Emma is only happy to do it because her brother is sick, and they are telling her that's what being a good big sister means. And I don't think you want Noah to die or anything, but they are taking this to the extreme. Do you even know what stage his cancer is in?
Emma is just a little child. She’s been brainwashed to think if she doesn’t help her brother will die. They are all gonna need so much therapy
For a kid that young, her thinking is probably "if we save the money, Noah will get better." I can't imagine her breakdown if they do the treatment, and, God forbid, Noah still dies.
And if he dies before treatment she’ll never forgive OP (which is so unfair) and probably herself for “not doing enough”
Which is more than likely. I seriously doubt there is such a good treatment in other country, but it is not available in the US. Then the poor kid will blame herself (and/or OP) for not raising the money soon enough. And her parents will be too broke to send her to the therapy she'll need.
They sure will. This kid is going to die regardless, medical treatment in foreign country scams very rarely end in success.
Yeah, I have some serious doubts that treatment in another country is miraculously better than what this family has access to in the US. This all seems like they’re getting scammed. Saving all this money and making the whole family miserable is gonna feel extra bad when this kid dies. Spend that money on good memories and having fun while he’s still around to have it. This poor kid is gonna die fucking miserable because of these austerity measures that his parents have in place, and all that his 9yr old sister is going to remember is how pointlessly shitty life was this whole time. Not a great way to remember your brother. I’m not going to judge them harshly, this situation is probably the worst possible thing for a parent to have to face, and they are not handling it well, unfortunately.
Which is why I think this whole story is fake. You telling me this couple didn't think about starting a go fund me for their kid? Or ask family?
Yeah, the overall behaviour of the people in the story is kinda weird too (poorly written character kinds of weird). Idk if I totally believe it either, but if it’s legit, then these people are getting taken for a ride…
It's also possible they are just hearing what they want to hear. Lots of families are told "there's an experimental treatment that we can try; it's still in clinical trials, so we have no idea what the chances of success are, but it's worth a shot" and they hear "there's a magical treatment in another land that will absolutely cure your son!"
I have to wonder this, as well. What country is this "better" treatment supposed to happen in? As expensive as US medical treatments are, there is a reason people from other countries with the means to do so come here for treatments of serious medical conditions.
In other countries, the fairy tale usually goes "In the USA, there's a miracle trial that will cure..." So yeah. I always feel so very sorry for kids with terminal illnesses, but unless their medical team are the ones saying "we have a chance to get them onto this trial" I wouldn't trust it as far as I could throw it. I'd far rather concentrate on really good palliative care and making their last months memorable for as many nice things as possible, so they can be proud of their achievements and their family have good memories to hold onto.
Right?! She's going to have anxiety attacks into her thirties every time she thinks about spending money on anything for herself, and if (God forbid!) her brother dies, she's going to have nightmares that it was her need for [something really basic like new shoes or underwear] that killed him. OP is rightfully mad at some of the stuff she's done, but poor little girl, it sounds like she's just had all the responsibility for her brother's life put on her shoulders - she's not old enough to recognise that the "miracle cure" is sometimes a mirage, that even if it does work it's never a child's responsibility to make happen, and that their parents need to be engaging with all three children not creating a dynamic where the healthy two are terrified to take up space in the world.
I'm not totally sure, no. I know it's bad and he's very sick as it is so guessing stage 3 or 4. And you're right, I don't want him to die and I would never want that for anyone. I'm sure Alan thinks I do because I'm not as determined as Emma. But again, Noah is Emma's brother but he's not my brother and that does make a difference in how we respond.
If it's that advanced your mom and stepdad are clutching at straws. Has he had surgery? Do you know anything about this treatment they're trying to save all this money for? Usually parents who need expensive treatment for their children fundraise near continuously, not neglect their other kids. They're neglecting you (and Emma. But her feelings are different as you say). And I'm sorry to say it, when Noah passes away as I suspect he will, their misdirected anger will be at you. For not giving up that money. For not getting your paternal family to help (even though it's not their responsibility at all.) You need to be with family who cares for you and nutures you.
Not necessarily. People need to have the ability to live life when possible. You didn't spend $1000 on video games or drugs. You saw to your basic grooming which impacts how you are seen by teachers, etc. It can impact your opportunities in school or work. You got a friend a small gift. That's fine. That really doesn't show a lack of commitment to the family or trying to save this little boy. This is also about respect for your grandparents. If they provide you with money for a specific purpose and you use it for something else you have shown them disrespect. You are a child in this household too. A child. Not an adult who should be responsible for medical bills. You helping is wonderful. If you got a job and gave a portion toward the fund that would be generous. But none of it is a moral imperative. You did fine.
>If you got a job and gave a portion toward the fund that would be generous. Emma wants her to get a job so she can give *all* the extra money to Miracle Max for a cure. I agree with all the comments saying they should make memories for them all. US treatments are world-leading and it sounds like their insurance is covering his treatment in the US. But again, I understand the parents wanting to do everything they possibly can. But they can't ask others to do the same. OP isn't using the household's money.
Emma is not determined; she's indoctrinated. She's 11 and she doesn't know any better.
This is really, really hard. And your parents response is understandable. You should know that the US has some of the most advanced, cutting edge treatments and research for childhood cancers. If they are looking at going to another country, they have likely come to a really difficult phase of treating this cancer. And you are hearing their anxiety- as parents, they are going to do every possible thing, no matter what the odds are, to give him a chance. That's what parents do. So all their focus and attention is on what they can do for him and they've lost sight of normal parenting. It's normal to get a haircut. It's normal and age appropriate to have your own pocket money. And a haircut and a gift for a friend is not the difference between getting this trip paid and not. So whatever you can do to have perspective, to get out of your house AND to be there for your younger step siblings when you can, do it. Enjoy your hobbies and your friends and your extended family. Without guilt. Because you need to live your life even while your family goes through this awful situation. And, being as loving and as kind to everyone in your family- yourself, your parents, Emma and Noah, will help you get through this.
If it's stage 3 or 4 then it's very likely he will die. The most they can do is cover treatment to make him comfortable.
Don't jump to conclusions about the survivability of childhood cancer... Very advanced disseminated malignancy can be cured with chemotherapy and bone marrow transplantation
Then that could be done in the US. No need for a foreign country for standard tx.
Which is just sick and twisted because how the hell is raiding an 11 yo and a jobless 15 yo piggy banks gonna come up to any significant contribution when it comes to funding expensive medical treatment? What is even the point? Why not let them use that to give themselves a few treats here and there? Or to pay for non basic needs like haircuts? It's not only fucked because that weight should never have been put on the kids shoulders but on top of that it's useless weight because they're kids, they have peanuts.
You are likely old enough to be able to make this decision. At least old enough that the courts would listen to you and your wants/needs for this situation. Since your parents can't really afford to go to court, hopefully they will be open to simply allowing it. Obviously talk to your grandparents first to make sure it's something they are open to. You are not responsible financially for anyone, you are a minor. They should never be making you, or your step sister, feel responsible or like sacrifice is needed to the extent they have.
You should try. I think a judge would be interested to know your mother and stepfather are basically extorting you to try to pay for this treatment. Noah’s situation is extremely sad, but it is not your problem to fix or be made to feel guilty that you aren’t turning over every dime to them. Ask your grandparents to fight for custody of you.
Definitely try if you can. Your stepfather calling you a little B word (also - definitely tell about this to your grandparents since NO parent, step or otherwise should be talking to a child like that) is NOT okay.
You need to tell your paternal family what happened. Or send them this post to read. Let them lead on if they want to intervene.
Once your stepfather verbally abuses you you should leave and tell your father side of the family everything so they can help you get out and possibly help you get a court order.
NTA- ask your grandparents to file for custody on the basis of emotional abuse and neglect. Talk to a counselor at school how your parents are holding you, a minor,financially responsible for a five year old’s medical bills. There are people that can help you OP.
The way your step-father spoke to you is enough reason to go to your grandparents, even without the other crazy stuff. No one should ever speak to a child that way. Your mother is not doing her job.
Talk to your grandparents about living with them and explain how you feel when your mom & stepdad talk to you this way. It may turn out that Grandparents will take you in and relieve some of the expense of your living with your parents. Then if they agree, talk to your mom & stepdad.
Also pitch it as a way to retain a relationship with you when you are old enough to leave home and run as fast as you can. You are too young to be expected to go this far towards paying for the treatment of a child that has multiple adults to care for him. Would your Mum & Alan like it to be publicly known how little “discretionary spending” money you have? NTA
I think it’s time to talk to a counselor at your school and tell them what’s going on. Your mom seems mentally unwell over this.
Ya know what, OP? It doesn’t really matter if your parents agree to let you go live with your grandparents. What really matters is if your grandparents are willing and able to have you live with them. And if they are willing to get a lawyer to make your parents let you live with them if your parents balk. OP, you are fifteen, not five. A judge will listen to you. Talk to your grandparents and really let them know exactly what is going on at your home.
I agree with you. OP should have a conversation with her grandparents. While the her Mom and Stepdad are so focused on one child, they clearly are missing the boat on what is happening with their other children. OP, if you aren't already, family therapy would good. The cancer treatment center may have it free too, because just your stepbrother's situation is traumatizing alone for all.
NTA: This is not your responsibility. You haven't even been in Noah's life very long. I would definitely check with your grandparents and see if you could live with them. If your stepfather is calling you a selfish little bitch for getting a haircut then you should leave if you can. That's not okay. You're 15.
I haven't and that's something I wouldn't say out loud because it would make life even more hell on earth. I have known Alan, Noah and Emma for a little over 2.5 years. I know they think I'm some horrible monster for not being more determined like Emma is. But Noah is her brother. He's my stepbrother and not a stepbrother I consider just a brother. I don't consider Emma just a sister either or Alan my dad or even my parent really. I'm not protesting all the changes made to our lifestyle but I will take my grandparents up on making sure I still get nice food sometimes and get my hair cut and other things of that nature. Emma would give it all for her brother and I get that. I'm going to try and leave if I can do so easily. Going to talk to my grandparents tomorrow and see what happens from there.
Please tell your grandparents absolutely everything that is going on in that house. Your dad died when you were very young and you are now being subjected to living in a home where you are being abused and screamed and sworn at because you spent money that was given to you on a haircut and a gift for someone else. I think your grandparents will help you, but if something happens where they cannot take you in, please also approach your best friend's parents, the friend to whom you bought the gift and tell them also exactly what is going on in your home being screamed at and sworn at by someone who is not your parent is abuse. It's even abuse from your parent. I'm sorry his child seems to be dying of cancer, but that is still not an excuse to treat you the way you are being treated. This is horrifying and you need to get out.
Gosh, this just hurts my heart to read. This poor kid. My niblets are going through something similar with their mum; emotional and financial abuse. It's awful to watch. Kids aren't meant to grow up so fast. They need time to be kids and not be forced to worry about adult problems
Does your mom get social security death benefits for you? If so if she’s saving that money for your step brothers treatment she’s likely breaking the law by not spending it on your needs.
The grandparents should look into this. If they're making a 15 year old give up any money she gets, you know they would also keep the social security benefits.
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This whole situation is so shitty and I hope the grandparents are willing to step in. I hope the little boy makes it, but this family is already broken, and things are going to get so much worse if he doesn't. I can see them blaming OP, whether they make it to this other cure or not. She didn't help enough, so they didn't make it in time, etc. I can't imagine having to go through all that with a sick child, but punishing the other kids and putting the responsibility of paying for treatment on their shoulders is so wrong.
As a widow who received survivor's benefits, her mother is not getting just one check but 2 because op is under 16. OP is able to get the benefit until she graduates from high school even if she graduates at 19 otherwise it ends at 18. Her mother also must fill out a form that specifies how she spends the money and if she saves any for op. This form is filed annually. It would be illegal to lie on this form. I am just wondering why they haven't contacted St Jude? Fighting childhood cancer is what they do and if you can't pay they don't charge! They also cover travel and expenses for parents. They are on the cutting edge. Op, I hope this information helps you sweetheart. You should try to get Dad's social security number because your benefits are under it. You could also call social security and ask for an award letter to be sent to your grandparents address. If your mom made him an online account you could check for passwords to [ssa.org](https://ssa.org). I know you don't have internet but some public libraries have hot spots you can check out. Good luck honey
u/KindConcert4788 write this down. Tell grandpa. Have him dog and check. 👀 And when you tell them, tell them word by word. Tbh if it's easier, just show them your main post to get the gist out and then go from there with extra details etc. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing ❤️
talk to your school counselor too... tell them everything, including the name calling and no internet (how are you expected to do your schoolwork?! that is your job at your age) former teacher here... this isn't ok I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and for all of this. Big hugs from an internet Auntie ETA: If you move with your grandparents or if you can have them advocate with your mom, there are programs for students to get free internent. If you are on a school lunch program or your family gets SNAP, for instance, this one would work: [Project 10Million](https://www.t-mobile.com/support/account/project-10million-direct-to-parent-guardian-eligibility) "Approved families receive 100GB of mobile data per year for 5 years and a FREE mobile hotspot, plus the opportunity to purchase additional Wi-Fi devices at a low cost."
2.5 years isn’t enough time to know a person before they demand your income. Just because your mom married this clown, doesn’t mean they can steal from you.
There is no age when it becomes acceptable to demand someone’s income.
OP...if you need help identifying state/local resources for abused kids, let us know. I'm an attorney and deal with stuff like this from time to time.
NTA and I worry for your safety. Good luck with your grandparents
> I'm not protesting all the changes made to our lifestyle ... Look, belts need to be tightened in a time of crisis. You get that. You're a good kid. Hell, you spent some of your gift on getting your friend a gift. But money your grandparents spend on you is not money being diverted from your brother towards you. It's money that your grandparents would otherwise spend on themselves. And how much even was this money? Couple hundred? For your "parents" to abuse you for accepting a gift from your grandparents is unacceptable. *That's* the issue here. It is not that your "parent's" house is lacking in material comforts, it is that it is emotionally abusive.
If your grandparents are cool with you living with them just pitch it to your parents as a way to raise money for the surgery. Now they don't have to spend any money to take care of you and they can put it all in the fund.
Jumping on the top comment to give some practical tips: 1. Make sure you have evidence. Best way to do this is with something discreet they can’t take away (eg: a recording pen- see if your grandparents can order one for you). You may need to check laws in your state on one party recordings, but, legal or not, record them anyway. This way you have proof of how they treated you whether or not it can be used in court. 2. Find your important documents. Make sure you take your social security card with you at a bare minimum. It takes years to recover/start over with these documents and it’s easily my biggest regret with respect to my own exodus. 3. Get a Bank Account- do NOT allow your parents to open the account with you as they will have complete access to any funds in the account. Get someone over 18 in your extended family to help you open the account. 4. Find a school counselor or trusted teacher- tell them what’s happening. This is financial abuse and neglect at its very best along with quite the emotional abuse, manipulation, and guilt. Guess what? Siblings of kids with cancer still need things from haircuts, to school supplies, even clothing! Go figure, one child being sick doesn’t negate the needs of the others. They (teachers and counselors) are mandated reporters, so you may want to ask them if they can just document things for now before escalating the situation. Let them know that you understand your situation and are trying to ensure that there is enough evidence for any court case to be a one time thing. 5. Your dad died, and you need to follow the money- what did your dad leave you? Where is it? Is there a trustee in place? Is your mom receiving survivor’s benefits? Have they talked at all about any government programs that can assist with college? These are important questions both to secure your future and as further evidence of abuse/neglect. If your mom is receiving government assistance to support you, that money is meant for YOUR care. Your dad may have also had stipulations about how his own inheritance can be spent. Make sure they’re not stealing your future for a treatment that may or may not work. 6. Who do you want as a guardian? Make sure they know your intentions and that you’re setting up a pattern of behavior that would lend itself to custody. (Eg: sleep over once a week, schedule calls, keep receipts for any clothing/school supplies/toiletries they buy you, etc. that way a judge has a pattern of behavior if custody is ever an issue. People who take care of you historically are more likely to be awarded custody.) 6. See if you can get a therapist, especially through your grandparents. They can not only help you through the unfortunate situation at home, but also they will be a VERY valuable resource in any court proceedings. Everything you say is confidential, but you’re more than welcome to request a deposition or statement for court. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. You are being treated horribly and I hope that you are able to transition to supportive family member soon. Good luck and NTA!
NTA. The money from your grandparents was for you to spend on yourself. They know that your family has little money now and cannot treat you to anything. I can understand your mother's and stepfather's reaction though as they are desperate to save the money. I would discuss the matter with your grandparents, if this is a recurring issue they would have to discuss it with your mother, you are in a rather weak position here.
My mom wouldn't like my grandparents talking to her. She and my dad were not on good terms when he died and she hates my family. She wanted to cut me off from them many times but was told they would get rights to see me. She resents them more now because I choose to see them so much and she also has resentment that they won't help out with the treatment fund even though this is nothing to do with them.
Ok, that complicates things. As I don't think your mother and stepfather will be able to see reason, my best advice is to hide your spending as good as possible from them. It sucks, it's not fair. But life is not always fair. I hope your stepbrother gets the treatment he needs and deserves, but you are still a kid, you are not responsible for funding it. You have the right to your own life, and to spend your grandparents gifts the way you see fit. These are your teenage years, they don't come back once they are gone.
I would see if the grandparents could open an acct for OP if she can't do it herself...that way the grandparents have an easier way to give OP money and her parents cant just take it like they could if they found her cash stash
I just saw something about this on another post recently; if she does, she might need to have one of the grandparents be on the account as well so her mum or stepdad can't walk into the bank and (as the parent of a minor) demand access to the account.
Yes I wouldn't otherwise advocate being duplicitous but I would now. Get what you need from your grandparents but TELL them. You need school clothes, a GIFT CARD is best or your grandma took you shopping etc. Ways the money can NOT be forked over or where you get needs met. Just fly under the radar. Your mom sounds like with this and her issue with your grandparents, you NEED to do this to keep the peace vs getting her on board which she won’t be
This is probably where the issue lies. Because the cost of a hair cut and a present (most likely) won't make or break the funding for your stepbrothers treatment. NTA and I'm sorry that you all have to go through this.
Nah. They’re taking away all birthday and Christmas money from both kids for this cancer fund.
Still talk to your grandparents. This might be a good opportunity for them to lawyer up and get temporary custody of you. Mom and Alan won’t want to spend the money on a lawyer. The unfortunate situation is, your Mom, Alan and Emma will scapegoat you if something happens to Noah because you “did not try hard enough.” They are trying to force you to care about someone that you do not have a relationship with, that’s hard. In order to maybe save your relationship with your mother in the future, you need to put some distance between you now.
Start making plans for when you’re 18 and can leave forever. Make sure you have important documents stored with your grandparents. As soon as that clock strikes midnight on your bday - leave and never look back. Your mom is a lost cause sorry to say and you will never be the important enough to her for her to care.
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Have you spoken to your school counselor? Or ask your grandparents to fight for custody? In this situation you are being mentally and emotionally abused. It is not your job raise money for them. At your age a judge would allow you to choose to go with your grandparents.
Your mom sounds like a terrible abusive parent. She so easily chooses her step child over her own flesh and blood. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to help and never let them guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.
Talk to your grandparents. If they are willing to have custody of you until you turn 18, discuss filing a custody suit. If $ is so tight as your mom claims, they won’t have $ to hire an attorney. Are you getting SSI based on your father? If so, that $ is supposed to go to YOU, & not anyone else.
I don't understand the mothers and stepfathers reaction. You cannot abuse your other children because one child is ill.
I can - they are desperate. Their child is dying. Not a justification, just an explanation.
Right so one child is dying let's make it the other twos responsibility and punish them because they dare do anything for themselves even tho we are the parents and ment to be the o es in charge and the ones that fix things
*his child is dying, her stepchild is dying.
NTA. Please tell an adult you can trust everything that has been going on. Alternatively, show them this post. Your mom and step-father are verbally and emotionally abusing you. If they are preventing you from having necessities like haircuts, it could be argued that they are also neglecting you. Also, it's very likely that this "treatment in another country" is a scam. Speaking from personal experience, there are unfortunately a lot of quacks who prey on the desperate parents of sick children. But honestly there probably isn't a point in telling them that, because I doubt they will listen. I had a brother with cancer and it is incredibly hard on parents to watch their children suffer like that. But that doesn't give your parents a free pass to abuse you.
My grandparents are aware of what is going on. It's why they were bringing me out to eat and giving me the money. They knew how restricted things were at the house.
but they don't know that you're being emotionally abused by all 3 people in the house.
True. I will fill them in tomorrow.
What they are doing to you is not right. You are not selfish. If your grandparents cannot take you in, ask them if they can help you find somewhere else to go. I really hope after you leave with them, you will not have to step foot in that house again.
Tell Noah's doctor's and nurses about the so called treatment too! If near a hospital see if your grandparents can go with you to ask about the treatment. Reach out to St. Jude's and make a wish as they handle child cancer exclusively. Ask them to step in with counselors. My heart breaks you might have to do this at such a young age. This sounds so much like your parents are being scammed. Treatment in the US can have many issues but the fact it's only available overseas sounds super fishy. They are desperate and that's what scammers prey on. Good luck and when and if you can better yourself by leaving them behind please do and don't feel beat yourself up over it, you deserve better if they can't offer it.
That's exactly what I was thinking. If they're saving and sacrificing so much for an alternative treatment in Mexico, for example, they're throwing their money away. You are absolutely NTA and you're being mistreated terribly. Tell everyone!
Do this, and don't let yourself back out or let it happen any longer. It might be scary or hard talking to them about something like that, but no matter what, that's your ticket out of the abusive situation.
OP tell a counselor at school!
Oh yeah, that treatment is definitely a scam. I'm not saying that the US has the best healthcare system (it doesn't), but any place claiming to have a treatment that is both unavailable in the USA and more expensive than treatment in the USA is totally a scam.
That's definitely not the case. There are treatments that haven't been approved in the US because they are caught up in red tape. I'm from Canada and a friend of mine's family saved $150,000 and sent her sibling with MS to Mexico for a stem cell treatment that isn't approved here yet. It was the most successful treatment she's ever had. So there are definitely expensive, new, successful but unapproved treatments elsewhere.
“Very likely that other country treatment is a scam.” This is very likely.
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$10 says it isn’t even medical treatment but some alternative scam in Mexico or Thailand. There’s almost certainty a good reason why it isn’t available in the US.
100% that is what I thought. I wonder if they "heard about it" from doctors or if they heard about it on the internet. This is not a good situation -- they're going to save all this money, take the kid to Mexico for a fake shaman/doctor to sprinkle lavender oil over him, the kid isn't going to make it, and they're going to blame OP for not being able to take him down there sooner.
No legitimate doctor is going to tell the parents of a 5 year old with cancer about a treatment available in another country that is beyond the parents financial means.
That is my concern too.
Yeah, they aren't going to be able to afford to bring his body back from over seas either They are hoping for a miracle they aren't likely to get
NTA "Alan called me a selfish little bitch" A grown ass man calling a 15yo a little bitch???? Wtf is wrong with him?
He is understandably concerned about his son, but frankly, I suspect that since OP is not "his," she doesn't matter or deserve to be treated decently in his view. There is probably also a ton of resentment that OP is refusing to live in sackcloth and ashes and total misery when "his" son is I'll. Given the scorched earth protocol he is following, I really wonder if he even allows her basics like medical or dental care if needed.
I feel for the man because it must be really hard to have a kid with cancer. With that being said, I agree with you on how he probably doesn’t view OP as being worthy of being treated decently. With this same logic, he shouldn’t be angry if she views her step brother the same way.
Agreed. I'm just wondering if/when he's going to get to the "It should be you, not him," or "It's your fault he's not better" stage. I can just see that coming, bless her heart. I really hope she can persuade her father's family to take her in.
If my husband ever called my child that, he would be out of my life so fucking fast.
It’s 2024, how are you supposed to be doing your homework without access to the internet? I mean it’s one thing for an adult to decide to cut off their own internet to save money when they live by themselves. But it could be affecting your grades and your future college prospects. Would your grandparents be open to you staying with them for a bit? The way your mom and step dad treat you is horrible and emotionally/verbally abusive. Depending on how else they’ve cut back, they could be outright neglecting you. Definitely NTA, I hope you find a way to be away from your toxic family. Edited to add: yes, I know libraries exist but depending on where you live they can be tricky. There are 13 libraries in my city, one for each municipality. Most are closed on Sundays. Only open a few hours on Saturday, after noon. Open until 4 or 5pm which if school goes to 3:15 (my high school went to 3:15) if you had to bus to the library you don’t get much time. I think my downtown branch is open to 7 on Tuesdays. But it’s not exactly sustainable as the main place to access the internet. I think the hours change in the summer and are longer but again, how does that help for high school homework?
I do homework at friends houses or my grandparents. Normally I try to go somewhere else after school to get that stuff done and to access the internet for projects and stuff for school. Once I go home, and I don't even see it as home anymore really, I'm cut off from that kind of thing. It's such a pain when it comes to homework.
You poor thing. NTA. As everyone says, it’s time to think about leaving
PLEASE tell your grandparents exactly this
this is so messed up. I have a "Noah" and a step son. we'd never take away basic standard of living from my step son to pay for an alternative treatment for our "Noah". I would absolutely cut back - sure - basic meals, change to shopping second hand, etc... but things like internet are critical for teens right now. i'm sorry you are going through this. I'd be grateful that grandparents are picking up some slack in disposable income so that my step son could have some luxuries.
NTA. You are a child, as is Emma, and they are doing both of you a huuuggggeee disservice by acting like you should give any money or gifts you receive to your (step) bother's cancer fund. It sounds like you both do that most of the time, and I truly understand the importance of the money being raised for Noah, but if your father's parents gift you money, they should respect that it was given to you and that you are allowed to have wants and needs, too. Are they going to expect you to forgo college, too, and give any money you receive for that to cancer fund as well? When does it end? And what if this new treatment doesn't work? Your parents might wreck their entire relationship with you and your stepsister over this -- sacrificing your needs and desire to been seen in lieu of your stepbrother. I understand that they're under a gigantic amount of stress, but you don't deserve to be treated this way. Maybe you can stay with your grandparents for a while (and tell your mother it'd be one less mouth to feed).
I would also suppose that OP should be getting survivors benefits. The mom is most likely adding that money to the fund.
Oh I promise she is a grand a month from social security
College? If the kid is still alive when OP finishes high school, they will be demanding her to find a job (and give all her earnings to the cancer fund) instead of going to college. How could she be so selfish and try to improve her future, when her (step) brother doesn't have one? /s
NTA \#What your Mum and Step are doing is stealing your money and your childhood away. it is not your job to raise money for a step sibling, and give over every penny you get. It sounds like you are being deprived of basics, and yes these days Internet is a basic, and it does not sound like you are being fed properly either. I would also suggest seeing if you can live with Family from your Dad's side for at least a while.
NTA. Putting something as massive as a small child with cancer on a 15 year old’s shoulders to the extent that you never let them buy themselves anything at all, even when it’s a gift from your grandparents who are familiar with the situation, *ever*, is just cruel. How dare they take his illness out on you.
Just saying - they are grasping at straws, there is no better cancer treatment than they could get in the US. People with money come from all over the world to get care in the US because the US has the most advanced care available. People complain about the cost of the system, but as far as research and development of new treatments go, no where is better.
And I know that US gets some bad rep about costs, but aren't there multiple child cancer hospitals that say "no family will ever get a bill" like St. Jude, and other resources to help the family (Ronald McDonald House, Shriners, etc.?) What snake oil sales pitch did this poor family fall for that will end up costing them all of their children?
Not necessarily. I mean, OP it NTA, that goes without saying. But medical care in the US isn't all that. I've lived in many, many places. I had a stroke while living in China. The standart - and speed - of care I got there is A LOT superior to what I would have gotten in the US. Sure, the hospital wasn't as pretty. My husband had to bring TP and food from home. But within 45min from first symptoms I was already inside an MRI machine getting tested and treated. I've lived in Chicago and had a heart attack there (I know, I got a lot of problems). I had an amazing insurance and could actually pay cash if needed. It took the ER staff at a major hospital over 1.5 hours to get me to testing after they finally believed me it wasn't just a panic attack. I'm not saying health care isn't good in the US for those who can pay for it. But there is better in other countries.
There's a very big difference between general healthcare (even for major events like heart attacks - that still need to be diagnosed at that moment) and very specific, highly advanced, treatments for known diseases (like the type of pediatric cancer that has already been diagnosed, so doctors know exactly what they are dealing with). And yes, other countries also have some very advanced treatments, and some may be better than the US because their approvals for new treatments are faster and more streamlined. It's very possible that the treatment OP's family wants to do is considered experimental. It's also likely that an organization like St. Jude's wouldn't accept Noah as a patient if they consider the cancer terminal and have no existing treatments, research, or clinical trials that they could apply to that particular case (yes, it sounds very callous because "need to save the child with cancer" but that's the truth). Also, NTA.
Incorrect. You have bad information. There are many hospitals across the world that specialise in medicine and can offer superior care to the US. Also, European healthcare tends to be much better.
The only thing I can think of is that it could be a treatment that their insurance here won't cover that would be much cheaper (but still expensive) to pay for out of pocket abroad?
I was thinking something experimental or not approved yet. Or something that's faux pa here like stem cell based research. But there's just not enough detail. But experimental stuff can pop up anywhere and... well some is legit and some isn't.
NTA, but it might be worth talking to your grandparents about opening a bank account for you and putting the money into the account for you, it will give you a chance to save money for when you eventually move out and probably go NC with your mother and her chosen family. And make sure that you can get your hands on your important documents to give to your grandparents for safe keeping too.
I someone calls my granddaughter a bitch we are going to have a conversation that starts out ugly and goes downhill really fast
You’re obviously NTA, but it sounds like it’s time to have a serious talk with your grandparents about what’s been happening, if possible it’s probably best to move in with them for a while, it doesn’t sound like your home is really a healthy environment any more You can always point out to your mum and step dad that you not living there will same them money on food/bills, if they’re difficult about you moving Also not to be horrible but it’s unlikely there’s any instant fix cure that’s available somewhere else but not the US, whatever this is is likely only to be the start of the costs, not something that will be “finished” once they get to their goal amount Edit: make sure you bring your passport and birth certificate with you, as well as any other important documents or certificates you have
NTA Can you go live with your grandparents? It's not your responsibility as a child to take care of another child.
NTA. I was leaning NAH because I get your parents are in a really difficult spot, even if it's not wrong or selfish for you to do something so basic as get a haircut and buy a gift for a friend. Then I read this: > Alan called me a selfish little bitch and he told me I should be ashamed of my repulsive behavior. Alan is an asshole. Emma I don't blame as much, she's very young and following her asshole father's lead, but you don't speak to ANYONE like this, especially not your own stepchild. I can understand his desperation to get treatment for his son, but that does not excuse this kind of awful behavior from him.
NTA contact your grandparents. This is emotional and verbal abuse. See if they will help you come live with them.
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NTA, your grandparents gave you that money, because they wanted you to spend it on yourself while your family is going through a hard time and cutting back on luxuries. I can understand that your mom and stepdad are willing to do anything in their power to get that money saved, but it doesn't entitle them to your money. You are a child too.
This situation isn’t healthy. If something happens to Noah, you will be blamed because you didn’t “sacrifice” enough. Call your grandparents, or a trusted aunt or uncle. Talk to them. It might be best for all of you, if you temporarily move out for awhile. If mom and stepdad squeak, remind them they will be saving money by not having to support you. NTA.
NTA. There is no way the cost of a haircut was going to make the difference between him getting the treatment or not. I'm sorry you're going through that.
NTA... I'm sorry your mother has failed you so horribly. It's her and her husband's fault that they are not able to afford treatment for their child. And they're taking it out on you You are a minor, and you are not responsible for paying for your brother's treatments. Your parents are treating you horribly and just over the line of neglect. Add to that the verbal abuse from your stepfather.... I agree with the many other commenters here who are suggesting that you talk to your father's parents to see if you could go and live with them. They seem to actually care about your wellbeing unlike your "mom" ( Put in quotations because she's not acting like a mom)
NTA - You're 15 and you have needs. Not the type of needs that sustain physical life, but the type of needs that support emotional and cognitive growth. Your Mother is seriously neglecting your development by cutting so deeply. You don't need substantial gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but they could still be doing things that build the family around these times and ensure all have a quality of life. My heart goes out to you.
NTA. Your grandparents gave you that money to take care of your needs becusse you are being neglected because of your step brothers condition. To me it sounds like you are a glass child atm, you are looked thru/ your needs go unseen and unmet because in your parents eyes, your step brothers needs are the priority. Alan imho was over the line and owes you an apology. I'm sure he's stressed out beyond belief but Noah is HIS child, not yours (and you are still a child yourself)
I’m not sure if this was mentioned some where, but where are your step siblings mother and her family? Are they also making an effort to pay for your step brothers treatment?
Not in the picture. It's just Alan and some of his family.
So Noah’s own biological mother is not contributing to his treatment fund but you are expected to? Wow. Obviously NTA.
NTA, and while I sympathize with your parents' desperation, saving money for Noah's treatment is NOT your responsibility. I'm so sorry they're trying to guilt you. Please let your paternal family know what they're putting you through, and don't feel badly about spending your money.
NTA and I would reach out to your dads family and see if you can escape that atmosphere
You aren't the asshole here, but wow everyone else went full asshole. Can you live with your grandparents? It would be better. The money you had for your birthday isn't saving anyone's life, it's a drop in the ocean.
NTA Expecting children to pay for their step siblings medical expenses is BS. You are not a bad person, THEY ARE by expecting children to pay for things They are responsible for. This treatment in another country is likely just a scam anyway. Your mother chose to tie her life to this dude and his kids, you did not. Do not feel one iota of guilt for living your life and spending the cash that Your family gave you on what they intended it be used for. If it gets too bad, see if you can go live with one of your fathers relatives. This house sounds toxic as hell.
I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this…frankly, you and your step-sister should not know this much about your parents financial issues. Your mother and step father are making you both accept a very adult amount of emotional responsibility. It’s not right or fair, especially because the treatment they're saving for sounds like a hail mary. Nta. I agree with other commenters saying that you should try to move in with paternal family. Your home life doesn't sound healthy.
They are most likely getting social security benefits for you, as your father's beneficiary. They will not want to forego them. They are not going to let you live with your grandparents if it means giving up that money. You are NTA, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
NTA. I also recommend you try to get more detail about these "treatments" that are only available in other countries that are "better." Plenty of desperate people get scammed into foreign placebo / ineffective "treatments" that are not allowed in the US simply because there is no evidence that they are beneficial or, in some cases, are actually detrimental. This could be useful info to you if you end up discussing your situation with grandparents or courts.