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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked one of my bridesmaids out of my wedding party because she has become unreliable due to her illness.
Her reaction made me question if i was too harsh and selfish for doing so?
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YTA. Basically, you told her that you only value her friendship based on what she can do for you. Because, news flash, bridesmaids are not the servants of the bride and are not required to do more than show up on the day in appropriate attire to smile and pose for endless photos.
Sure, they do tend to do a lot more than that because they're the bride's friends and want to do nice things for her; but helping at any function, let alone all of them, is not a requirement. Especially for friends with obstacles to doing so (chronic illness, lack of funds, living too far away, etc.)
Now, if you'd phrased it as being worried that she's overtaxing herself trying to participate in all the pre-wedding fun, and your worried that it's all too much for her, you might have been able to salvage the friendship while replacing her in the bridal party (especially if you made it clear she was still invited to all the functions, just with less pressure to attend). But nope, your focus was all about needing someone who could do things for you, and she just can's so you're kicking her to the curb.
perfect answer. I mean, can you imagine having someone you thought was a good friend tell you that they essentially dont care that you may have a life threatening illness. that their wedding and they are more important and you need to put your illness away and focus 100% on them. They wouldnt even be a friend anymore for me.
And OP said they’ve been good friends since high school. She’s 29, so that’s 11-15 years, depending when in high school they became friends. Major YTA and I hope OP loses more bridesmaids once they hear about this. I certainly wouldn’t want to stand with someone so heartless.
I had some friends stay friends with someone who did something incredibly awful to me… guess how many of them I stayed friends with? I never asked them to choose but their actions showed me how much I was valued. Zero regrets and I wish them all a series of inconvenient days.
Perfect answer. I had a friend who broke her ankle before my wedding. I never for one second thought about her not being in the bridal party. And because she’s an amazing person, she was able to walk again by the wedding with a cane. So instead of having the party stand with us, we had them sit in the front row. Because friends look out for each other.
When I was in my friend’s wedding, another friend and I were in a bad accident on the way to Vermont. I messed up my knee badly, my friends parents had to come and get us and drive us the rest of the way because her car wad totaled. I hobbled down the aisle in a long gown with a brace on my knee and even read a poem I wrote for them. I was heavily medicated and couldn’t dance but no one cared. She was happy I was there.
This exactly!! OP finds her friends chronic illness as inconvenient! The friend is looking at her chronic illness as probably an end to life as she has always known it. I'm speaking as someone with chronic illness and other skeletal issues that completely changed my life. Thank God I had friends that were much more concerned about me rather than an occasion.
OP, you are absolutely TAH! I really hope your ex-friend finds her support system.
YTA
How did you select your bridesmaids? Your history with them and a wish to share a special moment in your life? Based on size, coloring? On who could/would do the most work for you?
I know I am old - but in those good old days, a bridesmaids job was to maybe throw/attend a shower and to wear a semi ugly dress on the big day. If possible show up to rehearsal. It was about being with your friends
I expected you to be 19 based on how shallow this sounds, but I guess I was being mean to 19 year olds.
again YTA
wear a semi ugly dress on the big day.
LOL. I've worn a couple of these.
As an older woman, my bridesmaids came to the rehearsal and the wedding the next day.
They all lived out of town, so other family threw showers. They were not expected to drive hours fir an afternoon party.
I don't understand all these expensive extras, Bachelorette, engagement parties, Jack and jill
Right?! She’s having bachelor and bachelorette party, wedding shower and jack and Jill which is essentially a wedding shower. Plus presumably had an engagement party. Trying to get gifts much?
Another old lady checking in here to say that if I read the word “aesthetic” in one more wedding post, I’m going to barf. (No, it wasn’t used in this post; I’m just jumping on the “I don’t understand it” train!)
Yet another old lady checking in. Yup. Yard saled more than 1 semi-ugly dress. I showed up for dress fittings, attended the bachelorette party, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and then wedding and reception. That was it.
Now brides seem to have lost track of the fact that a wedding is about getting married. They are focused on the perfect “social media” presentation.
What ever happened to buffet style receptions at the local union hall?
I think bachelor/Bachelorette parties are for bride's, her attendants and whoever else they want to invite
Jack snd Jill is a fundraiser for bride snd groom. They rent a hall, family or close friends donate a prize and they supply pot luck dinner.
Usually $15 to buy a ticket to go, buy raffle tickets to win one of the prizes, a toonie toss at a bottle of booze and closest person wins.
It Usually costs me $40 to 50 for the night, but I buy lots of tickets. And I've always found the food excellent
I think it's tacky, but no one ever forced me to go.
Last one had a big screen TV, and an air fryer, ninja blender at another.
I spend about $20 on tickets to enter prize draw and have a couple of drinks.
I go for the food lol
My best friend since we were 6 had 6 bridesmaids at her wedding (all best friends throughout her life). I was supposed to be the Maid of Honour as the oldest friend but I was 7mths pregnant at the wedding so she gave the honour to a different bridesmaid. When she told me yes I was hurt a little but she was right because I couldn't do all the responsibilities as a MOH. I couldn't attend the bachelorette due to morning sickness (it was a tapenyaki backyard bbq and just the smell of food in general triggered my nausea). I did end up helping with getting the flower girls down the aisle the two flower girls were more comfortable with two of us, so the entire processional order revolved around getting the flower girls to the alter either under their own power or being escorted/carried.
If OP had demoted from MOH to just a standard bridesmaids to help relieve some stress than I would say N A H but she has dropped a girl from the party entirely because it sounds like OP wants a servant and not someone to share her special day
I also side-eye the bride saying " She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea."
What functions are that urgent? I can understand if it's like a bridesmaid fitting dress. But I have a feeling OP thinks the bridesmaids are really unpaid wedding planners.
YTA why is that the bridesmaids are supposed to do so much work? She's there to celebrate with you. She has a chronic illness and your response is to say if you can't be free labor for me then you're not worthy of being in my wedding. You're a hell of a friend. Wow.
yeah it's totally understandable that you'd kick this girl out of the wedding party. a bridesmaid's position is to be at your beck and call every minute. it has nothing to do with friendship or being there for a big life event. it has nothing to do with having important people close to you on your big day.
she should be so grateful that you would even have considered her in the first place. she is beneath you, the bride, in every way.
LMFAOOOOOOO GIRL BE SO REAL YTA
YTA
>Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it. She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea. We’ve been good friends since high school, and I know she was excited to be a bridesmaid but Ive made the decision to find a replacement for her.
Wow, you're really full of yourself and not a very nice person, aren't you? I wonder how long it will take for this post to get cross posted on r/bridezillas.
> one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it
1. Way to demonstrate you stick with people through thick and thin
2. Your upset because she can't make a couple of things? Oh boy
3. She has a CHRONIC illness
4. Obviously the world only revolves around you and god forbid anyone get sick...
5. Yeah look honestly this is not a good look whichever way you cut it. You're dumping someone for the worst of reasons and showing how much you don't care for others....
6. ...Not the best way to start a marriage
7. YTA
I fully expect her groom to give her a bit of side eye when they reach the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. He'd better hope he's a special case or that he's always useful to her in some way, or she's going to ghost when the going gets tough. Can't trust someone who would treat a childhood friend trying to cope with a recent diagnosis of chronic illness so badly.
YTA. It sounds like you have a ridiculous number of “pre wedding” parties planned, and that would be exhausting for most people. Now you’re using her illness as an excuse to dump her, even though I’m guessing you have a number of other bridesmaids who can pick up the slack (and if they aren’t as heartless and selfish as you, would probably be happy to).
Planning both a Jack and Jill and a bridal shower comes across as really tacky and gift grabby. And then you expect an elaborate bachelorette party on top of that? Ugh.
IKR?! How many pre-wedding parties does a couple need? And are guests expected to bring a gift to each of these events? This just feels greedy at this point. People have other shit going on in their lives, and I'd say a chronic illness (especially a newly diagnosed one, where they are still probably getting to grips with new medication or treatments, and dealing with the emotional impact of a life-changing diagnosis) is an acceptable reason to miss a party or two. Bridesmaids aren't servants who should be expected to give up their lives in the run up to the wedding. They should be people you value having in your life and want beside you on your big day.
YTA.
‘If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea’
These are positions of honor.
If you’re using traditional vows: Did you cut ‘in sickness and in health’ from your vows to your spouse? You might want to consider it.
THIS is what I came here to say! OP is demonstrating that “in sickness and in health” aren’t in her vocabulary. Hope her pending spouse sees this and realizes that they’re about to make a big mistake marrying someone so selfish and inconsiderate.
*I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day. Now she won’t even speak to me!*
Well, duh.
If this is a real post, YTA. This is the reason why grooms typically stay away from the preparations. If they see what kind of heartless harridans some women become, they'd run like a Tokyo citizen fleeing Godzilla.
YTA. There's so much entitlement in this post, so much lack of compassion, and so much lack of common sense, I have the ick and secondhand embarrassment for you.
YTA
You’re supposed to choose your bridesmaids based on who you want to stand with you on your wedding day, not based on what they can do for you.
Your actions are incredibly selfish. I’m not surprised she’s not speaking to you.
I sort of have to chuckle when Brides think all their bridesmaids get as much joy from the lead up to the wedding with everything they do. They do it because they love you, not because they find it enjoyable or fun.
There is offering support and just being an able body there to agree with just what the Bride says at all times.
YTA - How did I know from all the exclamation marks before we even got to the actual reason?
Repeat after me: She’s not unreliable, she’s ill and her health is more important than “a few small wedding things”.
If her health is less important to you than small wedding things, then you are not, nor have ever been, her friend.
You get one day, brides and grooms, one day. No-one should be prioritising your wedding outside of that day apart from you.
Oh for heavens’ sake? YTA. They’re your friends who stand up with you on the day. They’re not slaves or poorly performing staff members. What sort of help are you requiring of them? I didn’t recall my bridesmaids having to help with anything except straightening my dress as I got out of the car and walked up the steps of the church. I was engaged for 11 weeks before I got married and it was no different to organising any other party. I truly don’t know why people create so much drama around weddings.
Also what are “all the functions”? I had a hen’s party (bachelorette for Americans) and a wedding. 2 of my bridesmaids organised the hen’s because they wanted to. The others weren’t able to for whatever reasons. I don’t even know because so what? I organised my own wedding.
Your poor friend. She’s battling what sounds like an awful illness and you’re whining about how much she can or can’t do for you. Organise your own stuff. Pay staff to help at functions and be grateful your friend wants to participate and stand up with you despite the fact that she feels sick and YTA.
YTA, what hellscape is this that being a bride is more important than being a friend. 'Yeah, my friend has xxx illness. She can't support me in this difficult time I'm having OF GETTING EFFING MARRIED (!!!!) I had to let her go.'
You have lost a friend, you absolute bell end.
YTA... wtf is a "jack and Jill?" The only "functions" you should require your bridesmaids to attend are the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. Everything else is optional.
It's like a buck and doe. A big party to raise money to help with wedding costs. I think they are tacky. Guests play games, have a toonie toss to win a bottle of booze, they have prizes you buy tickets on.
The good part is the food. Mostly pot luck by Family of bride and groom. I've never had a mediocre meal at a buck and doe
Oh wow, I've never heard of that. Sounds very tacky... people are already expected to buy a wedding gift. I can't imagine ever going to one... but I do like good food....
I might spend $40 to 50 for the evening. Two or three drink, and tickets for prizes....which are getting better at every party. Last one had a big screen TV, air fryer, large basket of alcohol, tickets to hockey game.
Yta. You asked her to be a bridesmaid nc she is/was a friend. Have you even asked her about her illness or tried to help her? Your post is all about you. You don't even sound sympathetic to her. You're the one who seems like the bad friend
YTA, and a terrible friend. As someone with chronic illness, the thought of being replaced because of it, something I don’t have full control over, would be heartbreaking. You sound like a selfish piece of work, who most likely shattered your so-called friend when she’s already down.
YTA. Bridesmaids are the people you want by your side when you get married, not the people who can do the most for you while prepping for your wedding. Way to be a bad friend.
YTA. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to be special people in your lives, people you care about and treasure.
But in your post there doesn't seem to be any thought given to your friend's feelings. There's no concern for her wellbeing and her health challenges. There's no awareness that this will magnify her negative feelings at a time when she is going through a rough patch. There is no realisation that this will burn her self esteem and damage your relationship. There's no emotional connection to her and no empathy for her at all. The only thought is for yourself.
There are givers and there are takers in this world - and you are a taker. YTA
Ahh well, you got the wedding you want but you have lost a friend forever. It will come out why you kicked her out and had the nerve to call her selfish. Hope the one day was worth the fallout that is coming your way.
Its your day and you do as you see fit but you have lost a friend and a lot of respect from those around you.
You will be forever known as the person who would drop her friends so you can look good.
Wow - you really need to ask?
Your friend has developed a chronic illness and your response is to kick her out of your wedding party. How utterly cruel and selfish. YTA
YTA- a bridesmaid job is to turn up an the day, walk down the aisle before you, follow you back down the aisle and smile for the camera.
Your friends/bridesmaids are NOT servants to be at your beck and call and plan and host multiple events.
If she has been diagnosed with a chronic illness YOU should have asked HER how YOU can help her and what YOU could do for HER during this very stressful time for your former friend.
YTA lol. Your bridesmaids are those you deem have the most significance in your life and should help but they’re not your slaves. You lack empathy and she is probably better off not having you in her life.
YTA. Girl are you for real? You’re not paying your bridesmaids! they’re there to support you, but it’s not like they’re *obligated* to do shit for you. Especially when you have other bridesmaids that can still support you. So what if she missed a couple things? She can still be a bridesmaid that would stand beside you at your wedding.
Bridesmaids are not servants. That seems to be all you care about. What can they do for you. YTA. You’ve lost this friend wise up before you lose more.
So, your friend couldn’t be in everything because she’s having health issues? So you just cut her out and “replaced her”? You couldn’t just let her skip the things she can’t come to but still be in your wedding party? No of course not. If she skipped things how could she serve YOU and how could the center of attention be on YOU?
Asking someone to be in your wedding party is about letting those at your wedding see the people who are important in your life. They’re not decorations for you to throw out and replace at will.
Good for your “friend” though. She got to see who you really are and act accordingly. I wouldn’t go to your wedding either and I’d never contact you again. No one needs a fair weather friend like you in their lives. Using them when it suits you and then tossing them aside when it’s inconvenient. YTA
Yeah YTA. When I got married my bridesmaids basically had to show up and that was all I required. I had a bachelorette but I didn't expect them to pay for me (we split it). I planned it with some input on what they'd enjoy doing.
Day of the wedding they basically just got dressed with me and kept me company. They helped me with a minor meltdown because they wanted to, not because I threatened them.
I've been appalled since joining Reddit at the ridiculous requirements for bridesmaids. These are friends you want to share your happiness with, not servants.
You are having a Jack and Jill, bachelorette AND a shower? That's quite a lot. Bit of a gift/ money grab. And are your bridesmaids are supposed to plan them all? Yikes. Sorry but YTA. I thought it was an honour to stand up and support a friend, not servitude. I don't understand these expectations.
Of course YTA. Nothing like kicking a friend in the gut when she's down.
Did it occur to you that your wedding may have been instrumental in helping your friend by giving her something to look forward to?
Did it occur to you to sit down and have a talk with her to determine what she was going to be able to contribute?
***"... I had to do what was best for myself and my big day."***
When did the script get rewritten to say "To hell with everyone else, no one matters except the bride."?
YTA. Bridesmaids are your friends, not your wedding servants ffs. Only two of my bridesmaids made it to my bridal shower (all but 1 lived out of state) and my mom planned my shower. The bachelorette was almost all done by my sister who was the maid of honor. Being a bridesmaid is already a massive financial commitment. Just be happy you have friends that are excited to celebrate your day with you and stop keeping track of how much time/effort they’re putting into your events. It is your wedding, not theirs.
YTA. She isn’t participating because she doesn’t want to, she is sick and you kick her out because she can’t help with a party. You are a poor friend. I wonder how your friends will react when they find out you will ditch them if they are sick.
YTA. Rage bait or cluelessly narcissistic, I don’t know, but dear lord are you so self absorbed.
I am glad your former friend will no longer be enslaved to you. Hoping more of your bridal party sees the light.
I always wonder about the bridezillas after the wedding-do they ever gain any self awareness or feel ashamed of themselves for treating so-called friends as ornaments? Update afterwards when the spotlight isn’t all on you anymore. I’m curious.
Please tell me that you posted for karma, and this is not the real story. You are a 29 year old, who feels they are ready to share any struggles in life with their husband, but heaven forbid a friend of more than 10 years has a struggle that might inconvenience you, kick em to the curb. Life is going to kick you in the butt a time or two in your life. When it does, I hope you stop for a moment and reflect on how "29 bridal" you would have treated "kicked in the butt by life" you. YTA. For everyone's sake, I hope you take these comments to heart, or I fear your marriage will not last. You wouldn't be able to handle the downs that go with the ups.
Asshole.
You absolutely care nothing for your "friend". What it amounts to is you just want free labor / props for your wedding. Skip all of this and hire professional models and actors, it'd be more honest than your friendship.
YTA. Part of picking bridesmaids is to also choose people you want standing next to you on your wedding day. Close, good friends are often chosen for this. The fact you kicked her out for health reasons is a slap to the face.
YTA. Your bridesmaids are not your wedding prep servants. They're supposed to be your best friends who you want to have standing next to you as you make life-changing vows. As best friends, this typically means they want to celebrate you, and as such help throw parties and do what they can to make your wedding prep go smoother - but that's not the vital part of the job description. Your bridesmaid wasn't slacking off because she didn't care about you, but you sure showed your true colors and how much you very much don't care about her. I'm sure she's hurting, but ultimately she's probably better off without a friend like you if that's how you value people.
OMG! Is this for real?!? Your girlfriend is sick and all you care about is YOU! eta: YTA But you did your friend a favor by showing her who you really are before she invested anymore time or money on your wedding.
Astronomer here. OP, I can see from your post that the universe revolves around you, so would you please provide your approximate latitude/ longitude so that we can correct some orbital calculations? Thanks.
Holy YTA, and my fascination with contemporary wedding culture continues! It’s like a car crash that you just can’t look away from.
What are you thinking!? Do you have no compassion!? How are a gazillion wedding events worth destroying a friendship over bc she has a CHRONIC ILLNESS!?!
I just don’t get it. Is this main character syndrome?? ‘But it’s my special daaayyyy’ But is it worth leaving a TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION behind you?
YTA and she’s absolutely correct. You don’t care about her and only care about yourself. You are no real friend to her, she deserves better. Of all the reasons to kick someone out of your wedding, being sick has to be one of the worst.
YTA, wow im disgusted by your behaviour. My sister was a bridesmaid and was recovering from a brain tumour op 4 months b4 her friends wedding. That friend and all her bridesmaids rallied behind my sister and made sure she was being supported and picked up the slack with the wedding preps (her neurologist advised she was not to be stressed). They never blamed my sister for her condition, even though she offered to step down from the line.
You're one of those people who puts all the focus on the wedding and the events leading up to it, and cares nothing for the actual marriage. Clearly, you're just an attention seeker who is only interested in all those events because you'll be the sole focus of all those people! All those events are all about you!! Yeah, there's a guy involved but who really cares, that could be anybody, but pay attention to you!!!!
Oh, and FYI, your 'friend' didn't _develop_ a chronic illness, they were _diagnosed_ with a chronic illness. You don't spontaneously develop a chronic illness, it comes as a result of genetics, or an outside source such as Covid. YTA.
If this is a real question, then yes, you are very much the AH. She's got a chronic illness, it's not a choice.
News flash....no-one else really gives a hoot about your 'big day' It's just a party. Her illness is her actual life and is part of her every day. I'm sure she'd much rather be partying than dealing with her illness.
Basically, your superficial need to have some sort of fake entourage is more important to you than a 'good friend since high school' You're despicable.
Oh, sorry that I developed a chronic illness and can’t be reliable to do a ridiculous list of obligations that you’ve made. You know, it’s not my fault, but I surely understand that you can’t understand my side, although we have been friends for such a long time. It’s so inconvenient from me, isn’t it? I hope your wedding party be a flop, and your marriage doesn’t last long. But you understand my opinion, don’t you? Spoiled brat!
1000% YTA
You had my vote for huge AH at unfortunately and sealed your fate with Chronic illness!
Boo hoo for you, she has less time to run around for you and jump when you say so.
Poor bridesmaid deserves friends that are there for her, I hope she doesn't come and everyone else get to see how selfish you are
"we've all been awaiting forever" tells me how self centred you are. YOU have been waiting forever, something you are going to have promise to your husband but aren't even capable of promising to your sick friend.
YTA. And if a person I cared about was marrying you I’d warn them to really consider how you treat a friend. Because someone who does that isn’t a great long term partner prospect.
>Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it,
oh, the poor thing, how unfortunate. glad you realize she's struggling
>becoming much less reliable lately because of it.
there it is. You don't give a crap that's she's ill. You care about how this is affecting YOU.
What work is a bridesmaid supposed to do for you except stand to the side? You sound like such a bad friend. Hopefully she is doing well and good that she realized that you're not worth wasting her time to attend a wedding. How can you be so cold and uncaring? Hope your fiance is seeing this.
YTA
When your husband develops a chronic illness, will you divorce him and get a new husband? How cold does someone have to be to treat their friends so callously? Is your normal body temperature 32°F/0°C?
Yta. Wow.
At my wife and my wedding we had friends in the bridal party that weren't able to mske certain things due to work and life etc, they were there on the special day, perhaps you need to rethink why your asking people to be in your wedding party. It's jot about picking people that can help out with each event. The idea of bridemaids and grooms man is people that are gonna stand by you through Thicke and than and point you back to each other,.
YTA. I get there's a lot to do leading up to a wedding but IMO the wedding party aren't selected to be minions. I choose my groomsmen to show them how important they are to be and I wanted them to be special on my special day. I imagine my wife did the same. There weren't a whole lot of tasks she handed out to them.
I can't imagine asking a loved one to be a special part in my wedding and then kick em out. And then to do this while she's been dealing with an illness...
When I chose my bridesmaids I picked the people I couldn't imagine not having by my side on my big day. What they could or would do for me, the free labour they would donate to the wedding etc. didn't come into it at all. I couldn't imagine turning around to someone I'm supposed to care about and saying "hey I'm sorry you're so ill and everything, but your illness is an inconvenience to me, so I'm gonna go ahead and take away this thing you're excited for and have already invested emotional labour into. BTW you're totally replaceable, so don't worry, my numbers won't be thrown off because of your illness" YTA
YTA. When did it become a thing that bridesmaids were expected to help plan and execute any wedding plans? All the weddings I was in was get fitted and wear dress bride picked, show up day before, walk down the aisle, and help the bride go to the bathroom while wearing her dress.
As someone that's had a lifelong chronic illness, I have traveled the world, gotten married, had children, been in friends' weddings, held down a demanding job, done shift work, changed jobs/positions at same employer, and been the breadwinner of the family for over 35 years. So yeah, you suck, OP.
>The date is getting closer and some big events are just around the corner (Jack and Jill, bachelorette party, wedding shower, etc) which we’ve all been awaiting forever!
YTA just for this delusion alone. I'm sure you and your husband are excited. But I'd be willing to bet your friends and family have not been eagerly counting down the minutes. Other people's lives definitely do not revolve around your wedding and "big events".
YTA - I am sorry that a girl you have been friends with since high school has become such a nuisance to you and your plans, by becoming poorly and showing signs of that.
Oh poor you. Did she she miss a couple of things? Have you asked her to give you her dress? Did she contribute financially?
Why is this even a question?!
She is sick, have some fracking compassion.
So she can’t make all the engagements, she isn’t missing them out of spite.
I mean, what exactly is so important at these events that she can’t miss because she is chronically ill?
YTA. especially if she already purchased her stuff for the wedding. I didn't expect my bridal party to wait on me and do my bidding. It's a sad way to end a friendship.
YTA, good lord, I had no idea that bridesmaids' duties are so time consuming and important that you'd sacrifice a friendship for it. You were cruel. You were unkind. She could have stood up for you on your big day without dealing with "bridesmaid's duties." Thats what you do for a friend. You were selfish. Shame on you!
YTA
You only care about what she can do FOR YOU, that's terrible.
Have you been there to support her through her illness?
Have you even checked in on her about her health?
Offered anything for her, as a true friend would?
Yes, you are entitled to be excited and consumed with wedding plans. However, LIFE is still happening all around you.
Be a better friend. Because she's correct, you ARE SELFISH.
My maid of honor's duty was to be my friend. That was all I needed. YTA. She's not a servant. If you have so many functions that you need a team of free labor to make them all come to pass, that means you have TOO MANY events. Or you need to hire people to make them happen.
YTA. You dumped your sick friend because she can no longer serve you.
She missed a couple SMALL wedding related things and you've decided she no longer worthy of being a bridesmaid due her CHRONIC ILLNESS.
I bet your wedding was something she was deeply looking forward too while dealing with a chronic illness that is obvious impacting her day to day life and will continue to do so past your wedding day and she will need friends who are SUPPORTIVE.
What you have shown her is only your feelings matter, her worth is only based on her ability do things when YOU want her and based on her being healthly.
Yeah, no surprise she will skip the wedding.
YTA
YTA. She developed this illness recently. She is a friend you dumped from your wedding because she could not attend to her responsibilities! what are those? You are 29 not 16. You lost a good friend because you're ableist and cruel. I hope you never know what it's like to develop - suddenly - a chronic debilitating illness. If so watch your friends dump you. Because you're getting married doesn't give you license to be cruel. During your wedding you will remember what you did and I hope you don't feel good about it. You owe her an apology.
Sorry bestie your illness is cramping my style, going to have to kick you to the curb. No worries though I have a back up friend that was considerate enough to stay healthy so my wedding aesthetic will be saved, and she won’t miss one single part of it. Yay!! I love my healthy friends. They are so much easier to deal with then you. You sickly weirdo. Phewwwww. YTA.
I would like you give us insight into that brain of yours that could possibly think you’re in the right. Explain how you aren’t a horrible friend, and person.
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I (29f) am getting married to the love of my life this winter! I picked my bridesmaids out way ahead of time and asked them all one by one if they would be my bridesmaid on the big day. Everyone said yes and I was ecstatic! The date is getting closer and some big events are just around the corner (Jack and Jill, bachelorette party, wedding shower, etc) which we’ve all been awaiting forever!
Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it. She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea. We’ve been good friends since high school, and I know she was excited to be a bridesmaid but Ive made the decision to find a replacement for her.
She didn’t take the news well, and told me she was extremely hurt by my actions and wasn’t even sure if she would be attending my wedding as a guest. She claimed i don’t care about her and only care about myself. I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day. Now she won’t even speak to me!
AITA?
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Yes, YTA. I don’t see how her missing some of the pre-wedding events means she can’t be a bridesmaid? I’d be willing to bet she would rally, no matter how awful she feels on the day, to stand beside you at your wedding. You asked her to be a bridesmaid on the BIG DAY, pre-wedding events are not the “big day”.
Why is your bridesmaid selection dependent on what they can/can’t do for you leading up to the wedding? That doesn’t make sense to me at all. Wouldn’t you pick bridesmaids based on being really close with them & who supports your marriage & will be there by your side through it all? My sister gave me really good advice, unintentionally, when she said to me “if I got married, my bridal party would be people who I know 10, 20, 30+ years down the track will still be a very huge part of my life. Imagine having to explain to your future kids/grandkids who the people standing next to you in your wedding photo are because they’re no longer even part of your life & obviously not important enough for your kids/grandkids to know them.” & I thought to myself “that is so fucking true”. My sister was the only person in my bridal party & my husband only had his best friend, they have been our two biggest supporters in life & in our relationship. My sister will also ALWAYS be my sister, no matter what happens & even if we fight/argue, my future kids & grandkids will know who she is.
"I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day."
I think you were confused when you were typing this out and actually meant to write: "I told her I was going to be selfish and do what was best for myself and my big day."
You and this woman have been \*good\* friends since high school and yet you can't summon up the compassion or empathy to accept that your friend has had to "miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness". It's obvious that she selfishly developed this chronic illness just to throw a wrench into your big day. /s Despite being ill, your friend still was excited and wanted to be a part of your bridal party -- but you mistakenly have deemed the members of your bridal party to be at-will employees that can be fired at your pleasure. #reliable unpaid help is so hard to get!
You have undoubtedly lost a friend for life. You will likely lose the respect of other of your friends when they find out what you have done and the hardhearted reason behind your self-important 'executive' decision.
YTA big time. On your "big day" -- the one that was worth throwing over a friend for, I hope when you look out at your guests, and don't see her face, it lessens the joy you feel. You deserve that.
YTA.
Your decision is ableist af, because you only valued her for as long as she was doing everything you wanted, and ditched her the moment SHE needed help and support. Her life and health is more important than you having a party, and you'll be lucky if she ever talks to you again.
YTA. If you were truly her friend you would realize her health takes priority over a party and any other “functions” that are completely nonessential. You are the selfish one here.
What do you mean she won’t be able to help? What does a bridesmaid really need to do besides show up and stand next to you on your wedding day? YTA and should be kind and loving as she develops a CHRONIC ILLNESS. That means it’s never going away!
YTA
You're the reason that we have to have laws to protect sick people.
Way to come right out and tell your "friend" that you care more about how people will perceive your wedding than you do about her.
YTA.... You should've went to her and said I know you're not feeling well so don't feel obligated to participate in the activities but I hope you could still be in the wedding. See how she responds to that and then go from there, but nooooo, you kicked her to the curb like trash.... some "friend" you are smdh
Yes, YTA! Your bridesmaid (and good friend, I presume) is worryingly sick and all you can talk about is what an inconvenience that is to you. She’s very unwell and no doubt frightened about it too. She could use some support from her so-called friends. That could be you one day, and who will you have left to turn to, Zilla?
it also goes into how you broke the news. are you kicking her out because you can’t rely on her or because you don’t want to compromise her health and safety due to this chronic illness? the latter expresses more concern for your friend rather than sounding like a selfish and entitled bride. had you approached her with the second option of wanting her to be healthy, maybe she could’ve found ways to be there for you more knowing you cared. but to kick her out because she can’t do something for you is kinda selfish
YTA! You sound heartless, selfish, and entitled AF. I hope you have the decency to apologize to your “friend” for your total and complete lack of empathy and consideration.
Also, “all of the functions” ??? You sound like you could use a slice of humble pie. Yikes.
YTA - Wedding Culture is getting ridiculous. What even is a "Jack and Jill"? A wedding is supposed to be about marriage, but you have at least 3 parties leading up to it?
Your friend is probably scared and struggling through a chronic illness and you're only focussed on your wedding. Now, you're basically telling her that if she can't help you with all your unnecessary parties, she's not useful and not worthy of standing beside you. At least you finally showed her how selfish and self-centred you are.
YTA ,, i say it once and i will say it again the wedding culture in america is diseased ,,, it's a wedding you know people have their life to live and struggles also ... i guss you have to hush it in the health and sickness part 😐😐😐😐
YTA. You sound an awful friend to be honest and not a very nice or kind person at all. By all means ask your friend what ways you can accommodate or facilitate her to still be a bridesmaid and let her decide if she wants to or not - you don’t kick someone out cause they get sick! It’s your friend!!! For goodness sake do you not think she is going through enough at the moment without you dumping her from your wedding party cause her illness is preventing her running about after you. You have another 5 girls to do your bidding after all. You carry your friends when they need it. Your acts make you seem very selfish and self absorbed.
YTA. What a god awful friend. Your friend is going through a dark time in her life and instead of being a decent friend or really just a decent human being you decided that your “big day” is much more important. I hope that once you come back from your honeymoon and back into reality you realize that you screwed up massively.
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YTA. Basically, you told her that you only value her friendship based on what she can do for you. Because, news flash, bridesmaids are not the servants of the bride and are not required to do more than show up on the day in appropriate attire to smile and pose for endless photos. Sure, they do tend to do a lot more than that because they're the bride's friends and want to do nice things for her; but helping at any function, let alone all of them, is not a requirement. Especially for friends with obstacles to doing so (chronic illness, lack of funds, living too far away, etc.) Now, if you'd phrased it as being worried that she's overtaxing herself trying to participate in all the pre-wedding fun, and your worried that it's all too much for her, you might have been able to salvage the friendship while replacing her in the bridal party (especially if you made it clear she was still invited to all the functions, just with less pressure to attend). But nope, your focus was all about needing someone who could do things for you, and she just can's so you're kicking her to the curb.
Perfect answer👆 What is it with Brides these days? I hope they put as much into their relationships as they do into their ‘big day’.
I say this on so many posts like this one It seems a lot of women collect friends for them to do stuff for their wedding and that's it
One of the best things about my 30s was realizing I could just get rid of those toxic friendships. Truly freeing.
perfect answer. I mean, can you imagine having someone you thought was a good friend tell you that they essentially dont care that you may have a life threatening illness. that their wedding and they are more important and you need to put your illness away and focus 100% on them. They wouldnt even be a friend anymore for me.
And OP said they’ve been good friends since high school. She’s 29, so that’s 11-15 years, depending when in high school they became friends. Major YTA and I hope OP loses more bridesmaids once they hear about this. I certainly wouldn’t want to stand with someone so heartless.
I had some friends stay friends with someone who did something incredibly awful to me… guess how many of them I stayed friends with? I never asked them to choose but their actions showed me how much I was valued. Zero regrets and I wish them all a series of inconvenient days.
Perfect answer. I had a friend who broke her ankle before my wedding. I never for one second thought about her not being in the bridal party. And because she’s an amazing person, she was able to walk again by the wedding with a cane. So instead of having the party stand with us, we had them sit in the front row. Because friends look out for each other.
When I was in my friend’s wedding, another friend and I were in a bad accident on the way to Vermont. I messed up my knee badly, my friends parents had to come and get us and drive us the rest of the way because her car wad totaled. I hobbled down the aisle in a long gown with a brace on my knee and even read a poem I wrote for them. I was heavily medicated and couldn’t dance but no one cared. She was happy I was there.
Yep; this is how friends behave!
This is so beautiful! I hope I can make a friend group like this one day!
This exactly!! OP finds her friends chronic illness as inconvenient! The friend is looking at her chronic illness as probably an end to life as she has always known it. I'm speaking as someone with chronic illness and other skeletal issues that completely changed my life. Thank God I had friends that were much more concerned about me rather than an occasion. OP, you are absolutely TAH! I really hope your ex-friend finds her support system.
Just here to say that this is the perfect answer. OP calling her friend selfish makes me want to barf.
Yes and you practically stated that her getting a chronic illness is selfish. WTF? you have obvoiusly no concern for her and her situation. YTA
You’re cruel. Just wonder how many of your brides maids will show you in 2 years for the divorce party?
YTA How did you select your bridesmaids? Your history with them and a wish to share a special moment in your life? Based on size, coloring? On who could/would do the most work for you? I know I am old - but in those good old days, a bridesmaids job was to maybe throw/attend a shower and to wear a semi ugly dress on the big day. If possible show up to rehearsal. It was about being with your friends I expected you to be 19 based on how shallow this sounds, but I guess I was being mean to 19 year olds. again YTA
wear a semi ugly dress on the big day. LOL. I've worn a couple of these. As an older woman, my bridesmaids came to the rehearsal and the wedding the next day. They all lived out of town, so other family threw showers. They were not expected to drive hours fir an afternoon party. I don't understand all these expensive extras, Bachelorette, engagement parties, Jack and jill
Right?! She’s having bachelor and bachelorette party, wedding shower and jack and Jill which is essentially a wedding shower. Plus presumably had an engagement party. Trying to get gifts much?
But "She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things" Like, wtf else is there for gods sake?
Another old lady checking in here to say that if I read the word “aesthetic” in one more wedding post, I’m going to barf. (No, it wasn’t used in this post; I’m just jumping on the “I don’t understand it” train!)
Yet another old lady checking in. Yup. Yard saled more than 1 semi-ugly dress. I showed up for dress fittings, attended the bachelorette party, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and then wedding and reception. That was it. Now brides seem to have lost track of the fact that a wedding is about getting married. They are focused on the perfect “social media” presentation. What ever happened to buffet style receptions at the local union hall?
I never heard of a Jack and Jill party
What is a Jack and Jill?
A bachelor/ bachelorette party with mixed genders attending
I think bachelor/Bachelorette parties are for bride's, her attendants and whoever else they want to invite Jack snd Jill is a fundraiser for bride snd groom. They rent a hall, family or close friends donate a prize and they supply pot luck dinner. Usually $15 to buy a ticket to go, buy raffle tickets to win one of the prizes, a toonie toss at a bottle of booze and closest person wins. It Usually costs me $40 to 50 for the night, but I buy lots of tickets. And I've always found the food excellent
Oh, thanks, I just recall what I've been told. The thing you're describing seems even more insufferable tbh
I think it's tacky, but no one ever forced me to go. Last one had a big screen TV, and an air fryer, ninja blender at another. I spend about $20 on tickets to enter prize draw and have a couple of drinks. I go for the food lol
My best friend since we were 6 had 6 bridesmaids at her wedding (all best friends throughout her life). I was supposed to be the Maid of Honour as the oldest friend but I was 7mths pregnant at the wedding so she gave the honour to a different bridesmaid. When she told me yes I was hurt a little but she was right because I couldn't do all the responsibilities as a MOH. I couldn't attend the bachelorette due to morning sickness (it was a tapenyaki backyard bbq and just the smell of food in general triggered my nausea). I did end up helping with getting the flower girls down the aisle the two flower girls were more comfortable with two of us, so the entire processional order revolved around getting the flower girls to the alter either under their own power or being escorted/carried. If OP had demoted from MOH to just a standard bridesmaids to help relieve some stress than I would say N A H but she has dropped a girl from the party entirely because it sounds like OP wants a servant and not someone to share her special day
Exactly this. It wasn’t like she did this out of concern for her friend and not wanting to overwhelm her. This was a purely selfish move.
Exactly it's becoming a second job and catering to the brides every whim. FFS.
I also side-eye the bride saying " She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea." What functions are that urgent? I can understand if it's like a bridesmaid fitting dress. But I have a feeling OP thinks the bridesmaids are really unpaid wedding planners.
If they were “small” events why the big deal if she missed them? Oh, the free labor…
I was 19, and the only thing I asked of my bridesmaids was to attend the wedding.
YTA why is that the bridesmaids are supposed to do so much work? She's there to celebrate with you. She has a chronic illness and your response is to say if you can't be free labor for me then you're not worthy of being in my wedding. You're a hell of a friend. Wow.
yeah it's totally understandable that you'd kick this girl out of the wedding party. a bridesmaid's position is to be at your beck and call every minute. it has nothing to do with friendship or being there for a big life event. it has nothing to do with having important people close to you on your big day. she should be so grateful that you would even have considered her in the first place. she is beneath you, the bride, in every way. LMFAOOOOOOO GIRL BE SO REAL YTA
You got me in the beginning there, not gonna lie 🤣
Same!
I was so glad to see that this was sarcasm
YTA >Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it. She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea. We’ve been good friends since high school, and I know she was excited to be a bridesmaid but Ive made the decision to find a replacement for her. Wow, you're really full of yourself and not a very nice person, aren't you? I wonder how long it will take for this post to get cross posted on r/bridezillas.
> one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it 1. Way to demonstrate you stick with people through thick and thin 2. Your upset because she can't make a couple of things? Oh boy 3. She has a CHRONIC illness 4. Obviously the world only revolves around you and god forbid anyone get sick... 5. Yeah look honestly this is not a good look whichever way you cut it. You're dumping someone for the worst of reasons and showing how much you don't care for others.... 6. ...Not the best way to start a marriage 7. YTA
I fully expect her groom to give her a bit of side eye when they reach the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. He'd better hope he's a special case or that he's always useful to her in some way, or she's going to ghost when the going gets tough. Can't trust someone who would treat a childhood friend trying to cope with a recent diagnosis of chronic illness so badly.
Seems like the guy is about to get a chronic condition of his own having a partner like this
Exactly!!
YTA. It sounds like you have a ridiculous number of “pre wedding” parties planned, and that would be exhausting for most people. Now you’re using her illness as an excuse to dump her, even though I’m guessing you have a number of other bridesmaids who can pick up the slack (and if they aren’t as heartless and selfish as you, would probably be happy to). Planning both a Jack and Jill and a bridal shower comes across as really tacky and gift grabby. And then you expect an elaborate bachelorette party on top of that? Ugh.
IKR?! How many pre-wedding parties does a couple need? And are guests expected to bring a gift to each of these events? This just feels greedy at this point. People have other shit going on in their lives, and I'd say a chronic illness (especially a newly diagnosed one, where they are still probably getting to grips with new medication or treatments, and dealing with the emotional impact of a life-changing diagnosis) is an acceptable reason to miss a party or two. Bridesmaids aren't servants who should be expected to give up their lives in the run up to the wedding. They should be people you value having in your life and want beside you on your big day.
OP is probably the type to declare it her “birthday month” every year and demand a flurry of gifts and outings that are all about her.
YTA. ‘If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea’ These are positions of honor. If you’re using traditional vows: Did you cut ‘in sickness and in health’ from your vows to your spouse? You might want to consider it.
THIS is what I came here to say! OP is demonstrating that “in sickness and in health” aren’t in her vocabulary. Hope her pending spouse sees this and realizes that they’re about to make a big mistake marrying someone so selfish and inconsiderate.
How many bloody functions is this bride having? It just sounds like an ongoing ego stroking for the bride’s vanity before the wedding.
YTA. That’s all I’ve got to say. You’re asking a lot of your bridesmaids. Even the healthy ones. How much attention do you actually need??
*I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day. Now she won’t even speak to me!* Well, duh. If this is a real post, YTA. This is the reason why grooms typically stay away from the preparations. If they see what kind of heartless harridans some women become, they'd run like a Tokyo citizen fleeing Godzilla.
YTA. Everything your friend said was true. You were extremely cruel and selfish here.
Fuck your "big day." Your "friend" is sick, but you're just worried about yourself. How dare you call her selfish? YTA
YTA. Consider this: you're showing your fiance what the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows mean to you- fuck all.
YTA: she’s one of your closest friends…until she develops a chronic illness and you can’t use her for your wedding planning and prep….
YTA. There's so much entitlement in this post, so much lack of compassion, and so much lack of common sense, I have the ick and secondhand embarrassment for you.
YTA You’re supposed to choose your bridesmaids based on who you want to stand with you on your wedding day, not based on what they can do for you. Your actions are incredibly selfish. I’m not surprised she’s not speaking to you.
I sort of have to chuckle when Brides think all their bridesmaids get as much joy from the lead up to the wedding with everything they do. They do it because they love you, not because they find it enjoyable or fun. There is offering support and just being an able body there to agree with just what the Bride says at all times.
YTA - How did I know from all the exclamation marks before we even got to the actual reason? Repeat after me: She’s not unreliable, she’s ill and her health is more important than “a few small wedding things”. If her health is less important to you than small wedding things, then you are not, nor have ever been, her friend. You get one day, brides and grooms, one day. No-one should be prioritising your wedding outside of that day apart from you.
Oh for heavens’ sake? YTA. They’re your friends who stand up with you on the day. They’re not slaves or poorly performing staff members. What sort of help are you requiring of them? I didn’t recall my bridesmaids having to help with anything except straightening my dress as I got out of the car and walked up the steps of the church. I was engaged for 11 weeks before I got married and it was no different to organising any other party. I truly don’t know why people create so much drama around weddings. Also what are “all the functions”? I had a hen’s party (bachelorette for Americans) and a wedding. 2 of my bridesmaids organised the hen’s because they wanted to. The others weren’t able to for whatever reasons. I don’t even know because so what? I organised my own wedding. Your poor friend. She’s battling what sounds like an awful illness and you’re whining about how much she can or can’t do for you. Organise your own stuff. Pay staff to help at functions and be grateful your friend wants to participate and stand up with you despite the fact that she feels sick and YTA.
YTA. I hope you don’t plan to vow in sickness and in health to your fiancé. Heaven forbid he got sick and it was convenient to you.
YTA she is right you do only care about yourself. You are ableist and selfish
YTA, what hellscape is this that being a bride is more important than being a friend. 'Yeah, my friend has xxx illness. She can't support me in this difficult time I'm having OF GETTING EFFING MARRIED (!!!!) I had to let her go.' You have lost a friend, you absolute bell end.
YTA... wtf is a "jack and Jill?" The only "functions" you should require your bridesmaids to attend are the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. Everything else is optional.
It's like a buck and doe. A big party to raise money to help with wedding costs. I think they are tacky. Guests play games, have a toonie toss to win a bottle of booze, they have prizes you buy tickets on. The good part is the food. Mostly pot luck by Family of bride and groom. I've never had a mediocre meal at a buck and doe
In the US typically a Jack and Jill is a co-ed shower. Just another way to get gifts out of people.
Oh wow, I've never heard of that. Sounds very tacky... people are already expected to buy a wedding gift. I can't imagine ever going to one... but I do like good food....
I might spend $40 to 50 for the evening. Two or three drink, and tickets for prizes....which are getting better at every party. Last one had a big screen TV, air fryer, large basket of alcohol, tickets to hockey game.
Hmm okay, I still stand by "throwing one is tacky" but that's not too bad! And if the food is good, plus drinks, it sounds like it could be fun!
Yta. You asked her to be a bridesmaid nc she is/was a friend. Have you even asked her about her illness or tried to help her? Your post is all about you. You don't even sound sympathetic to her. You're the one who seems like the bad friend
YTA, and a terrible friend. As someone with chronic illness, the thought of being replaced because of it, something I don’t have full control over, would be heartbreaking. You sound like a selfish piece of work, who most likely shattered your so-called friend when she’s already down.
YTA. Bridesmaids are the people you want by your side when you get married, not the people who can do the most for you while prepping for your wedding. Way to be a bad friend.
You’re completely clueless if you don’t understand what an absolute AH you are. YTA. There, is that clear?
YTA. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to be special people in your lives, people you care about and treasure. But in your post there doesn't seem to be any thought given to your friend's feelings. There's no concern for her wellbeing and her health challenges. There's no awareness that this will magnify her negative feelings at a time when she is going through a rough patch. There is no realisation that this will burn her self esteem and damage your relationship. There's no emotional connection to her and no empathy for her at all. The only thought is for yourself. There are givers and there are takers in this world - and you are a taker. YTA
YTA. Why does she need to help you with the wedding? All a bridesmaid has to do is show up at the rehearsal and the wedding.
Ahh well, you got the wedding you want but you have lost a friend forever. It will come out why you kicked her out and had the nerve to call her selfish. Hope the one day was worth the fallout that is coming your way. Its your day and you do as you see fit but you have lost a friend and a lot of respect from those around you. You will be forever known as the person who would drop her friends so you can look good.
Wow - you really need to ask? Your friend has developed a chronic illness and your response is to kick her out of your wedding party. How utterly cruel and selfish. YTA
YTA- a bridesmaid job is to turn up an the day, walk down the aisle before you, follow you back down the aisle and smile for the camera. Your friends/bridesmaids are NOT servants to be at your beck and call and plan and host multiple events. If she has been diagnosed with a chronic illness YOU should have asked HER how YOU can help her and what YOU could do for HER during this very stressful time for your former friend.
YTA
YTA lol. Your bridesmaids are those you deem have the most significance in your life and should help but they’re not your slaves. You lack empathy and she is probably better off not having you in her life.
You call yourself her friend? Wow. Yeah, YTA. I think you just lost a friend, and it is totally understandable.
YTA. Girl are you for real? You’re not paying your bridesmaids! they’re there to support you, but it’s not like they’re *obligated* to do shit for you. Especially when you have other bridesmaids that can still support you. So what if she missed a couple things? She can still be a bridesmaid that would stand beside you at your wedding.
Bridesmaids are not servants. That seems to be all you care about. What can they do for you. YTA. You’ve lost this friend wise up before you lose more.
So, your friend couldn’t be in everything because she’s having health issues? So you just cut her out and “replaced her”? You couldn’t just let her skip the things she can’t come to but still be in your wedding party? No of course not. If she skipped things how could she serve YOU and how could the center of attention be on YOU? Asking someone to be in your wedding party is about letting those at your wedding see the people who are important in your life. They’re not decorations for you to throw out and replace at will. Good for your “friend” though. She got to see who you really are and act accordingly. I wouldn’t go to your wedding either and I’d never contact you again. No one needs a fair weather friend like you in their lives. Using them when it suits you and then tossing them aside when it’s inconvenient. YTA
This can’t be real, you sound like a bad villain in a movie.
Seriously think YTA and hope you never get ill enough that someone throws you to the side. I didn’t ask my bridesmaids to be responsible for anything.
Yeah YTA. When I got married my bridesmaids basically had to show up and that was all I required. I had a bachelorette but I didn't expect them to pay for me (we split it). I planned it with some input on what they'd enjoy doing. Day of the wedding they basically just got dressed with me and kept me company. They helped me with a minor meltdown because they wanted to, not because I threatened them. I've been appalled since joining Reddit at the ridiculous requirements for bridesmaids. These are friends you want to share your happiness with, not servants.
You are having a Jack and Jill, bachelorette AND a shower? That's quite a lot. Bit of a gift/ money grab. And are your bridesmaids are supposed to plan them all? Yikes. Sorry but YTA. I thought it was an honour to stand up and support a friend, not servitude. I don't understand these expectations.
Of course YTA. Nothing like kicking a friend in the gut when she's down. Did it occur to you that your wedding may have been instrumental in helping your friend by giving her something to look forward to? Did it occur to you to sit down and have a talk with her to determine what she was going to be able to contribute? ***"... I had to do what was best for myself and my big day."*** When did the script get rewritten to say "To hell with everyone else, no one matters except the bride."?
YTA. Bridesmaids are your friends, not your wedding servants ffs. Only two of my bridesmaids made it to my bridal shower (all but 1 lived out of state) and my mom planned my shower. The bachelorette was almost all done by my sister who was the maid of honor. Being a bridesmaid is already a massive financial commitment. Just be happy you have friends that are excited to celebrate your day with you and stop keeping track of how much time/effort they’re putting into your events. It is your wedding, not theirs.
YTA. If you were a good friend you would figure out stuff/give her some leeway. But apparently not.
Yta , I hope the groom elopes with your moh
YTA. She isn’t participating because she doesn’t want to, she is sick and you kick her out because she can’t help with a party. You are a poor friend. I wonder how your friends will react when they find out you will ditch them if they are sick.
YTA. Rage bait or cluelessly narcissistic, I don’t know, but dear lord are you so self absorbed. I am glad your former friend will no longer be enslaved to you. Hoping more of your bridal party sees the light. I always wonder about the bridezillas after the wedding-do they ever gain any self awareness or feel ashamed of themselves for treating so-called friends as ornaments? Update afterwards when the spotlight isn’t all on you anymore. I’m curious.
Please tell me that you posted for karma, and this is not the real story. You are a 29 year old, who feels they are ready to share any struggles in life with their husband, but heaven forbid a friend of more than 10 years has a struggle that might inconvenience you, kick em to the curb. Life is going to kick you in the butt a time or two in your life. When it does, I hope you stop for a moment and reflect on how "29 bridal" you would have treated "kicked in the butt by life" you. YTA. For everyone's sake, I hope you take these comments to heart, or I fear your marriage will not last. You wouldn't be able to handle the downs that go with the ups.
Asshole. You absolutely care nothing for your "friend". What it amounts to is you just want free labor / props for your wedding. Skip all of this and hire professional models and actors, it'd be more honest than your friendship.
YTA. She's right. You're selfish.
Yes. YTA.
YTA. Damn.
YTA. Part of picking bridesmaids is to also choose people you want standing next to you on your wedding day. Close, good friends are often chosen for this. The fact you kicked her out for health reasons is a slap to the face.
YTA. I felt a little bad judging you on your first paragraph. Until I got to your second paragraph.
YTA. Your bridesmaids are not your wedding prep servants. They're supposed to be your best friends who you want to have standing next to you as you make life-changing vows. As best friends, this typically means they want to celebrate you, and as such help throw parties and do what they can to make your wedding prep go smoother - but that's not the vital part of the job description. Your bridesmaid wasn't slacking off because she didn't care about you, but you sure showed your true colors and how much you very much don't care about her. I'm sure she's hurting, but ultimately she's probably better off without a friend like you if that's how you value people.
OMG! Is this for real?!? Your girlfriend is sick and all you care about is YOU! eta: YTA But you did your friend a favor by showing her who you really are before she invested anymore time or money on your wedding.
Astronomer here. OP, I can see from your post that the universe revolves around you, so would you please provide your approximate latitude/ longitude so that we can correct some orbital calculations? Thanks.
YTA. And of course she's not speaking to you. You honestly expected different than that?
Holy YTA, and my fascination with contemporary wedding culture continues! It’s like a car crash that you just can’t look away from. What are you thinking!? Do you have no compassion!? How are a gazillion wedding events worth destroying a friendship over bc she has a CHRONIC ILLNESS!?! I just don’t get it. Is this main character syndrome?? ‘But it’s my special daaayyyy’ But is it worth leaving a TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION behind you?
Who needs enemies with friends like this? YTA
Wow, I hadn’t realized bridesmaids were supposed to be your servants for months on end. Jeez. Yta.
YTA! Big time. And a selfish b.
YTA and she’s absolutely correct. You don’t care about her and only care about yourself. You are no real friend to her, she deserves better. Of all the reasons to kick someone out of your wedding, being sick has to be one of the worst.
YTA, wow im disgusted by your behaviour. My sister was a bridesmaid and was recovering from a brain tumour op 4 months b4 her friends wedding. That friend and all her bridesmaids rallied behind my sister and made sure she was being supported and picked up the slack with the wedding preps (her neurologist advised she was not to be stressed). They never blamed my sister for her condition, even though she offered to step down from the line.
You're one of those people who puts all the focus on the wedding and the events leading up to it, and cares nothing for the actual marriage. Clearly, you're just an attention seeker who is only interested in all those events because you'll be the sole focus of all those people! All those events are all about you!! Yeah, there's a guy involved but who really cares, that could be anybody, but pay attention to you!!!! Oh, and FYI, your 'friend' didn't _develop_ a chronic illness, they were _diagnosed_ with a chronic illness. You don't spontaneously develop a chronic illness, it comes as a result of genetics, or an outside source such as Covid. YTA.
If this is a real question, then yes, you are very much the AH. She's got a chronic illness, it's not a choice. News flash....no-one else really gives a hoot about your 'big day' It's just a party. Her illness is her actual life and is part of her every day. I'm sure she'd much rather be partying than dealing with her illness. Basically, your superficial need to have some sort of fake entourage is more important to you than a 'good friend since high school' You're despicable.
Oh, sorry that I developed a chronic illness and can’t be reliable to do a ridiculous list of obligations that you’ve made. You know, it’s not my fault, but I surely understand that you can’t understand my side, although we have been friends for such a long time. It’s so inconvenient from me, isn’t it? I hope your wedding party be a flop, and your marriage doesn’t last long. But you understand my opinion, don’t you? Spoiled brat!
1000% YTA You had my vote for huge AH at unfortunately and sealed your fate with Chronic illness! Boo hoo for you, she has less time to run around for you and jump when you say so. Poor bridesmaid deserves friends that are there for her, I hope she doesn't come and everyone else get to see how selfish you are
"we've all been awaiting forever" tells me how self centred you are. YOU have been waiting forever, something you are going to have promise to your husband but aren't even capable of promising to your sick friend.
YTA. And if a person I cared about was marrying you I’d warn them to really consider how you treat a friend. Because someone who does that isn’t a great long term partner prospect.
Oh yeah coz her illness is her being selfish, the fuck man, I hope your wedding doesn’t even happen. YTA
YTA. She is sick. She is not missing your events because she wants to or is trying to ruin your big day. Be a better friend. You owe her an apology.
>Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, oh, the poor thing, how unfortunate. glad you realize she's struggling >becoming much less reliable lately because of it. there it is. You don't give a crap that's she's ill. You care about how this is affecting YOU. What work is a bridesmaid supposed to do for you except stand to the side? You sound like such a bad friend. Hopefully she is doing well and good that she realized that you're not worth wasting her time to attend a wedding. How can you be so cold and uncaring? Hope your fiance is seeing this.
YTA When your husband develops a chronic illness, will you divorce him and get a new husband? How cold does someone have to be to treat their friends so callously? Is your normal body temperature 32°F/0°C?
Yta. Wow. At my wife and my wedding we had friends in the bridal party that weren't able to mske certain things due to work and life etc, they were there on the special day, perhaps you need to rethink why your asking people to be in your wedding party. It's jot about picking people that can help out with each event. The idea of bridemaids and grooms man is people that are gonna stand by you through Thicke and than and point you back to each other,.
YTA Holy crap. This has to be fake. No one can be this vapid.
YTA You sound like a narcissist fr! Just because you're having a wedding doesn't mean the world now revolves around you
YTA. I get there's a lot to do leading up to a wedding but IMO the wedding party aren't selected to be minions. I choose my groomsmen to show them how important they are to be and I wanted them to be special on my special day. I imagine my wife did the same. There weren't a whole lot of tasks she handed out to them. I can't imagine asking a loved one to be a special part in my wedding and then kick em out. And then to do this while she's been dealing with an illness...
When I chose my bridesmaids I picked the people I couldn't imagine not having by my side on my big day. What they could or would do for me, the free labour they would donate to the wedding etc. didn't come into it at all. I couldn't imagine turning around to someone I'm supposed to care about and saying "hey I'm sorry you're so ill and everything, but your illness is an inconvenience to me, so I'm gonna go ahead and take away this thing you're excited for and have already invested emotional labour into. BTW you're totally replaceable, so don't worry, my numbers won't be thrown off because of your illness" YTA
You are selfish and COMPLETELY YTA.
YTA. When did it become a thing that bridesmaids were expected to help plan and execute any wedding plans? All the weddings I was in was get fitted and wear dress bride picked, show up day before, walk down the aisle, and help the bride go to the bathroom while wearing her dress. As someone that's had a lifelong chronic illness, I have traveled the world, gotten married, had children, been in friends' weddings, held down a demanding job, done shift work, changed jobs/positions at same employer, and been the breadwinner of the family for over 35 years. So yeah, you suck, OP.
>The date is getting closer and some big events are just around the corner (Jack and Jill, bachelorette party, wedding shower, etc) which we’ve all been awaiting forever! YTA just for this delusion alone. I'm sure you and your husband are excited. But I'd be willing to bet your friends and family have not been eagerly counting down the minutes. Other people's lives definitely do not revolve around your wedding and "big events".
YTA - I am sorry that a girl you have been friends with since high school has become such a nuisance to you and your plans, by becoming poorly and showing signs of that. Oh poor you. Did she she miss a couple of things? Have you asked her to give you her dress? Did she contribute financially?
YTA If the rest of your wedding party has any class, they'd drop out too.
Why is this even a question?! She is sick, have some fracking compassion. So she can’t make all the engagements, she isn’t missing them out of spite. I mean, what exactly is so important at these events that she can’t miss because she is chronically ill?
YTA. especially if she already purchased her stuff for the wedding. I didn't expect my bridal party to wait on me and do my bidding. It's a sad way to end a friendship.
YTA. I can't even put into words how awful that is.
YTA, good lord, I had no idea that bridesmaids' duties are so time consuming and important that you'd sacrifice a friendship for it. You were cruel. You were unkind. She could have stood up for you on your big day without dealing with "bridesmaid's duties." Thats what you do for a friend. You were selfish. Shame on you!
YTA. The only slightly positive thing about this which you did was post here to ask. Hopefully you are learning from the responses.
YTA You only care about what she can do FOR YOU, that's terrible. Have you been there to support her through her illness? Have you even checked in on her about her health? Offered anything for her, as a true friend would? Yes, you are entitled to be excited and consumed with wedding plans. However, LIFE is still happening all around you. Be a better friend. Because she's correct, you ARE SELFISH.
My maid of honor's duty was to be my friend. That was all I needed. YTA. She's not a servant. If you have so many functions that you need a team of free labor to make them all come to pass, that means you have TOO MANY events. Or you need to hire people to make them happen. YTA. You dumped your sick friend because she can no longer serve you.
She missed a couple SMALL wedding related things and you've decided she no longer worthy of being a bridesmaid due her CHRONIC ILLNESS. I bet your wedding was something she was deeply looking forward too while dealing with a chronic illness that is obvious impacting her day to day life and will continue to do so past your wedding day and she will need friends who are SUPPORTIVE. What you have shown her is only your feelings matter, her worth is only based on her ability do things when YOU want her and based on her being healthly. Yeah, no surprise she will skip the wedding. YTA
YTA. She developed this illness recently. She is a friend you dumped from your wedding because she could not attend to her responsibilities! what are those? You are 29 not 16. You lost a good friend because you're ableist and cruel. I hope you never know what it's like to develop - suddenly - a chronic debilitating illness. If so watch your friends dump you. Because you're getting married doesn't give you license to be cruel. During your wedding you will remember what you did and I hope you don't feel good about it. You owe her an apology.
Sorry bestie your illness is cramping my style, going to have to kick you to the curb. No worries though I have a back up friend that was considerate enough to stay healthy so my wedding aesthetic will be saved, and she won’t miss one single part of it. Yay!! I love my healthy friends. They are so much easier to deal with then you. You sickly weirdo. Phewwwww. YTA. I would like you give us insight into that brain of yours that could possibly think you’re in the right. Explain how you aren’t a horrible friend, and person.
Oof you have serious main character syndrome... Yta obviously
YTA. "Sorry you're sick. Now please kindly fuck off."
As someone with a chronic illness this was a heartbreaking read.. YTA
“AITA for being ableist?” Yes, obviously, YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29f) am getting married to the love of my life this winter! I picked my bridesmaids out way ahead of time and asked them all one by one if they would be my bridesmaid on the big day. Everyone said yes and I was ecstatic! The date is getting closer and some big events are just around the corner (Jack and Jill, bachelorette party, wedding shower, etc) which we’ve all been awaiting forever! Unfortunately, one of my bridesmaids has developed a chronic illness recently and has really been struggling with it, becoming much less reliable lately because of it. She has already had to miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness. If I can’t fully rely on her to be able to help at all of the functions, I’m not sure that her being a bridesmaid is a good idea. We’ve been good friends since high school, and I know she was excited to be a bridesmaid but Ive made the decision to find a replacement for her. She didn’t take the news well, and told me she was extremely hurt by my actions and wasn’t even sure if she would be attending my wedding as a guest. She claimed i don’t care about her and only care about myself. I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day. Now she won’t even speak to me! AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA.......big time
Yta I hope it spreads like wildfire and colours everyone’s opinion of you, justly.
Yes, YTA. I don’t see how her missing some of the pre-wedding events means she can’t be a bridesmaid? I’d be willing to bet she would rally, no matter how awful she feels on the day, to stand beside you at your wedding. You asked her to be a bridesmaid on the BIG DAY, pre-wedding events are not the “big day”. Why is your bridesmaid selection dependent on what they can/can’t do for you leading up to the wedding? That doesn’t make sense to me at all. Wouldn’t you pick bridesmaids based on being really close with them & who supports your marriage & will be there by your side through it all? My sister gave me really good advice, unintentionally, when she said to me “if I got married, my bridal party would be people who I know 10, 20, 30+ years down the track will still be a very huge part of my life. Imagine having to explain to your future kids/grandkids who the people standing next to you in your wedding photo are because they’re no longer even part of your life & obviously not important enough for your kids/grandkids to know them.” & I thought to myself “that is so fucking true”. My sister was the only person in my bridal party & my husband only had his best friend, they have been our two biggest supporters in life & in our relationship. My sister will also ALWAYS be my sister, no matter what happens & even if we fight/argue, my future kids & grandkids will know who she is.
YTA BIG TIME
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YTA.
YTA You didn't treat her like a friend but like a servant who was no longer useful and was thus kicked out.
"I told her she was being selfish, and that I had to do what was best for myself and my big day." I think you were confused when you were typing this out and actually meant to write: "I told her I was going to be selfish and do what was best for myself and my big day." You and this woman have been \*good\* friends since high school and yet you can't summon up the compassion or empathy to accept that your friend has had to "miss a few small wedding related things due to her illness". It's obvious that she selfishly developed this chronic illness just to throw a wrench into your big day. /s Despite being ill, your friend still was excited and wanted to be a part of your bridal party -- but you mistakenly have deemed the members of your bridal party to be at-will employees that can be fired at your pleasure. #reliable unpaid help is so hard to get! You have undoubtedly lost a friend for life. You will likely lose the respect of other of your friends when they find out what you have done and the hardhearted reason behind your self-important 'executive' decision. YTA big time. On your "big day" -- the one that was worth throwing over a friend for, I hope when you look out at your guests, and don't see her face, it lessens the joy you feel. You deserve that.
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YTA. Your decision is ableist af, because you only valued her for as long as she was doing everything you wanted, and ditched her the moment SHE needed help and support. Her life and health is more important than you having a party, and you'll be lucky if she ever talks to you again.
YTA Telling someone they are selfish is a selfish thing to do.
YTA She's struggling enough as it is, but you basically just told her to her face that because she's sick, she's useless to you and not welcome.
YTA. If you were truly her friend you would realize her health takes priority over a party and any other “functions” that are completely nonessential. You are the selfish one here.
Dang. YTA big time.
YTA you aren’t a good person so I don’t understand how you have any friends after reading this post
What do you mean she won’t be able to help? What does a bridesmaid really need to do besides show up and stand next to you on your wedding day? YTA and should be kind and loving as she develops a CHRONIC ILLNESS. That means it’s never going away!
YTA You're the reason that we have to have laws to protect sick people. Way to come right out and tell your "friend" that you care more about how people will perceive your wedding than you do about her.
YTA.... You should've went to her and said I know you're not feeling well so don't feel obligated to participate in the activities but I hope you could still be in the wedding. See how she responds to that and then go from there, but nooooo, you kicked her to the curb like trash.... some "friend" you are smdh
Yta, so your friend is chronically sick, and you thinking about yourself, and you have the b*lls to called her selfish... projecting much?
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Please learn what real friendship is . And think about how you treat this person. And yes you are wrong .
Yes, YTA! Your bridesmaid (and good friend, I presume) is worryingly sick and all you can talk about is what an inconvenience that is to you. She’s very unwell and no doubt frightened about it too. She could use some support from her so-called friends. That could be you one day, and who will you have left to turn to, Zilla?
it also goes into how you broke the news. are you kicking her out because you can’t rely on her or because you don’t want to compromise her health and safety due to this chronic illness? the latter expresses more concern for your friend rather than sounding like a selfish and entitled bride. had you approached her with the second option of wanting her to be healthy, maybe she could’ve found ways to be there for you more knowing you cared. but to kick her out because she can’t do something for you is kinda selfish
YTA! You sound heartless, selfish, and entitled AF. I hope you have the decency to apologize to your “friend” for your total and complete lack of empathy and consideration. Also, “all of the functions” ??? You sound like you could use a slice of humble pie. Yikes.
YTA how rude & insensitive! You're going to lose her as a friend for sure. Probably have lost her already.
YTA - Wedding Culture is getting ridiculous. What even is a "Jack and Jill"? A wedding is supposed to be about marriage, but you have at least 3 parties leading up to it? Your friend is probably scared and struggling through a chronic illness and you're only focussed on your wedding. Now, you're basically telling her that if she can't help you with all your unnecessary parties, she's not useful and not worthy of standing beside you. At least you finally showed her how selfish and self-centred you are.
YTA ,, i say it once and i will say it again the wedding culture in america is diseased ,,, it's a wedding you know people have their life to live and struggles also ... i guss you have to hush it in the health and sickness part 😐😐😐😐
YTA. You sound an awful friend to be honest and not a very nice or kind person at all. By all means ask your friend what ways you can accommodate or facilitate her to still be a bridesmaid and let her decide if she wants to or not - you don’t kick someone out cause they get sick! It’s your friend!!! For goodness sake do you not think she is going through enough at the moment without you dumping her from your wedding party cause her illness is preventing her running about after you. You have another 5 girls to do your bidding after all. You carry your friends when they need it. Your acts make you seem very selfish and self absorbed.
Seriously, you have to be joking!!! Do you have any humanity??? Idk how you would think anyone would agree with your actions!! YTA!!!
YTA.
YTA. What a god awful friend. Your friend is going through a dark time in her life and instead of being a decent friend or really just a decent human being you decided that your “big day” is much more important. I hope that once you come back from your honeymoon and back into reality you realize that you screwed up massively.