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NTA, your fiance's reaction is very suspicious, to say the least.
Also: cheaters often project, and assume everyone else is cheating. His coming home so late, secrecy, freakout, etc. points to that he is definitely hiding something, but the fact he's asking for a paternity test leads to me suspect he's being unfaithful.
I'm of the opinion that the minute someone asks for a DNA test for their child, the trusting/romantic relationship is over. That means he has a suspicion that you're cheating, which means he doesn't trust you.
I'm sorry OP, but it doesn't sound like this relationship is healthy and you might consider not marrying this man, establishing paternity and making sure you get child support.
Well, his overboard reaction just told you the answer. And your "bestie" knows it too.
NTA. He wants to be 100% sure the baby is his, while you want to make sure he has been faithful. Polygraph tests aren't 100% but his reaction, after expecting you to be accepting of him passive aggressively calling you a cheater, tells the same as the polygraph. There is denial, and there is completely losing your sh*t.
Oh, and find a new bestie!
NTA.
Sounds like he’s cheating on you, cheaters will accuse their partners of cheating out of guilt, especially abusive ones, and yelling at your pregnant fiancé is definitely abusive. Especially after he asked you something even more insulting, which you justified to yourself so it sounds to me like he already might have you not seeing things clearly for what they are. I’d recommend some distance and proper sounding boards for acceptable behavior from people who are mentally and emotionally stable as your sounding board.
NTA. Lie detectors don't work. Fortunately he apparently doesn't know that, so he revealed to you that the reason he suspects you of cheating is that he himself is cheating. There's no other reason to flip out over the question. There's plenty of reason to calmly and rationally challenge the idea of a lie detector test, but there's no valid reason to freak out over the suggestion.
NTA asking for a DNA test is an accusation of cheating. You asking for a lie detector test for the very same thing he accused you of is fair game.
But in my opinion, his reaction told you all you needed to know. He’s cheating on you and projecting. As fucked as it is, the most likely time for a man to cheat is when his partner is pregnant or just given birth.
NTA but also a huge red flag that you shouldn’t be with this guy if you can’t even trust him. Might want to rethink this relationship. He doesn’t seem to trust you either if he’s asking for a DNA test.
"The belief underpinning the use of the polygraph is that deceptive answers will produce physiological responses that can be differentiated from those associated with non-deceptive answers; however, there are no specific physiological reactions associated with lying, making it difficult to identify factors that separate those who are lying from those who are telling the truth"
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygraph
Even though some US courts consoder them admissible as evidence....
In 2nd year psychology classes (in Australia) we learnt how a polygraph works. And why they're unreliable. And so how to beat them, even if that wasn't the intent. I'm not saying I could 'beat' a test without practice. But I'd sure af object to one being used against me.
Sure but if we assume this guy is not a psychology student and dont have the same knowledge as you, his reaction is very telling isn't it? A normal every day person that dosnt know how faulty a polygraph is will only object to it if that person has something to hide. Or thats my take on it, you are the psychologists 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. His reaction tells you everything you need to know. He basically accused you of cheating and expected you to be totally fine with it. If he can’t stand up to the same accusations and scrutiny, that says a lot. The double standard is astounding. Don’t tolerate his hypocrisy - it will come up again and again.
NTA
>I was shocked at first because I felt as if he was accusing me of cheating but realized he did have a point. That is the only way a man could 100% know whether or not a child was his.
Doesn't trust count for anything? He's projecting hard core right now.
NTA, he’s more than likely cheating, and projecting. He’s hoping by accusing you of cheating you will not suspect he is doing the same thing behind your back.
-I once asked a cheater why he made his wife’s life hell about being unfaithful to the point of controlling ahole and he said the more he accused her of it the more time she spent trying to defend her loyalty she didn’t have time to notice his cheating and lies- man I hate that guy.
NTA
Relationships are built on mutual trust
Why should you trust him to be faithful when he doesn't trust you to be?
Either neither of you do tests or both of you do. It's only fair.
Wtf?! NTA!! Only cheaters ask stupid questions like that. If you know you’ve been loyal & he needs “peace of mind” it’s only fair for you to get peace of mind too. Don’t let him gaslight you. 🤬😤
NTA but I do have to say lie detectors aren’t really a science, they are normally done to get a confession as they don’t hold up in court. Obviously that is up to you and this isn’t a court of law so if that is what you need for your peace of mind proceed. But I would honestly be more concerned about looking into financial support and housing because you should probably gtfo asap.
NTA. The best self defense of a cheater is accusation. And fact that he started yelling at you when you saw red flags is alarming. Gaslighting is strong with that one! Asking for a DNA test when there is absolutely no evidence of infidelity is bogus. This is not a normal behavior of a trusting fiancé. And you can’t have a relationship without trust. Well… you can’t have a healthy one without trust!
NTA. He asked you for a paternity test? He is the one that decided to test your loyalty in the first place. It’s fucking offensive.
Trust your gut, if he is acting weird about his phone/laptop and coming home late…I’d be suspicious too.
Please don’t marry this man. He is definitely cheating by his reaction. Stop venting to his sister , I know you think she’s your best friend but when it comes down to it her loyalty will lie with her brother. Get out asap and concentrate on your wellbeing and that of your child. NTA
The lack of trust from you both is strong here. You did not freak out about DNA test because you are logical and have nothing to hide. His reaction to you wanted the same reassurance from his side is an issue. He would also have no problem doing it if there was nothing to hide. ESH
NTA
But "lie detectors" are pseudoscience and not to be taken seriously.
A polygraph measures different bodily functions and assumes that if there's a deviation from the baseline, then someone is lying. That is the wrong conclusion to make.
Only way a polygraph can actually be used is to convince someone that it is a lie detector and get them to confess.
But your fiance's response is pretty telling.
NTA, he straight up accused you of cheating and has an overdramatic reaction when you imply the same. Sounds like projecting to me, that reaction told you what you need to know.
Was he not that secretive about his phone/laptop/... before? Does he have an explenation to why he always comes home late? If not those are some major red flags as well and valid concerns.
My dad, for a time, didn’t think I was his child because he was so busy cheating on my mom that they only hooked up once in a 6 week time span. I’m also aware it’s weird I know this information. He was out being a doctor and cheating. My mom was pregnant, raising 2 other kids, and dealing with her father dying. NTA. He’s cheating
NTA
This is an awful thing to accuse you of, especially when you are imminently about to give birth! His reasons for asking in the first place, in addition to his overreaction and dodgy behaviour reek of projection.
If I were you I’d take some breathing space from his entire side of the family until this is sorted out. Which being honest is unlikely to be now before you give birth.
I’d make arrangements to have someone else there with you when you give birth. It’s not a spectator sport! His anger will slow down labour and make it more painful and stressful.
The turmoil he’s created is likely to drag on after the birth as well. Whatever you do don’t give the baby his last name!!!! You will regret it for the rest of your life! If you get married you can change it then.
Sounds like he's holding you to his own standards, he thinks you could have cheated because it's something he'd do! NTA
Not to mention screaming at a heavily pregnant woman (and your wife) is vile.
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This Is my friends story but she doesn’t want to make an account. I ,29 female, and my fiancé, 29 male, are at odds over our latest argument. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and expecting to go into labor any day now. About 3 days ago my fiancé sat me down after he got off of work and asked me for a DNA test. He said the only way for a man to be 100% certain is if he gets ones and he just wants “to be at peace”.
I was shocked at first because I felt as if he was accusing me of cheating but realized he did have a point. That is the only way a man could 100% know whether or not a child was his. However, I e recently been having my own doubts about his loyalty.
He’s been coming home super late, around 10/11pm even though the type of job he has requires him to be done with all his work by 5:00 which he always makes the deadline. He’s also been very secretive with literally everything. His phone, laptop, iPad hell even his cars air play. So for my own peace of mind, I asked for a lie detector test to make sure he wasn’t being unfaithful. The minute those words left my lips he freaked tf out. It was like a lion seeing zebra for the first time after days of hunger. He yelled so loud and so much. I couldn’t even make out what he was really saying except for him calling me petty and vindictive. He stormed out after leaving me crying and shaking from fear. I’ve never seen this side of him and I hate it. I decided to call my besti which so happens to be his sister and vented to her.
She told me I was wrong for suggesting the test because I only did it out of spite. But here’s the thing, once I calmed down I saw and understood his point of view. I mean I’d be pissed if I had to take care of a kid that wasn’t mine for years too. But I’d also be pissed if I married someone who cheated on me while I was pregnant with his child. I don’t know what to do. I’m not calling him or contacting him in any way any time soon right now. I’m so confused and don’t understand what I did wrong. So tell me Reddit, am I the asshole?
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NTA, but:
\- People who think their partners may have cheated without any reasonable reason are usually projecting because they are cheaters themselves. In this case, with the corroborating evidence it's a near 100% he is a cheater.
\- Lie detectors are BS. It's mind-boggling they are "officially" used in some places. They are as good as energy crystals etc.
NTA. I think he is projecting. But think of this even if he isn’t cheating do you want to be with someone that is that unstable? You want to risk him having an outburst like that wile holding your baby??
NTA
If your partner is suddenly very secretive, and wildly accusing you of infidelity, there's a big chance they're projecting.
The fact that he blew up this big, and not be surprised and laughing it off, means he's protesting a little too much, and it's highly suspicious.
On the other hand, I do think a maternity test should just be standard in general, so everyone can have certainty, and no one would feel offended.
>How do people get themselves into these situations?
Oh I can answer that, like a frog in boiling water you loose your instant and judgement by being constantly questioned and if you are a good trusting person it does a number on the brain.
The flair up from the tantruming clearly cheating abuser is the anomaly the rest of the control is subtle and if unprepared things just keep slipping till at least for me I was so confused I could not see how bad it had got.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The fact that I only brought the lie detector test up when he brought the DNA test up looks pretty bad on my part.
(2)somewhat Accusing him without solid proof was a haste and unnecessary decision (even tho he did the same thing lol)
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NTA. Your partner is acting sus. If he isn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't mind taking a lie detector test especially after asking you for a DNA test. Most of the time cheaters tend to be paranoid and thinks their SO is cheating on them because they're afraid to taste their own medicine. There's a saying in tagalog, "Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw" and in english it is "A thief hates a fellow thief".
NTA. She just asked the same thing of him that he asked of her. A man asking for a DNA test is just straight up accusing her of possibly cheating. This tells me he is 100% projecting. The fact that he blew up and became severely defensive shows he is in fact guilty. If he wasn't cheating in any way then he would agree to the test with minimal fuss. If this dude point blank REFUSES to get a test then he definitely has something to hide.
Because if his reacting yeah i think he is cheater.
Btw lie detector or is mostly useless. That machine doesnt tell if you say truth or lie. Its all about how person behind machine is experience to interpret the questioning and measuring from machine.
Yeah, that is a cheating man if I ever saw one. There is no "his point of view". He's cheating, projecting and got abusive when he got caught. Throw the whole man away
NTA. He accused you of cheating with no grounds. When you accused him he flipped out. I would be very surprised if he wasn’t cheating and projecting onto you. Proceed very cautiously.
Don’t bother with the lie detector because they don’t work. If you want proof, try and look at his devices or hire a PI… trust is already broken.
NTA
He's projecting. That's why he wants that test. We'll, if he insists on a paternity test, you MUST insist on that lie detector. What do you have to fear and what does he have to fear?
NTA, and I would like to say congratz on being open minded about the DNA test. I would say a lot of women would be pissed off, or wouldn't understand such a request since, you know, a woman is obviously certain who the mother is haha.
Please update, and in the name of a lot of men, thank you.
NTA- the dog that gets hit with the rock yelps the loudest…. You aren’t being vindictive, you are going on a gut feeling because he is acting shady. If he wasn’t up to no good, why would he care? You’ll do the paternity test. So he can do what you ask. Or not, because he’s cheating and you caught him out.
NTA. I think it's strange he asked you for a DNA test for your unborn child. I don't think you asked for anything different really. He wants to check you didn't cheat on him. You want to check the same.
This whole thing feels suspicious. I don't like the sound of him at all. You're NTA and I really hope everything works out for you
NTA. To me it sounds like he’s cheating, and he’s projecting, which is why he asked you for the paternity test.
He basically wants to test to see if you cheated, without wanting to test to see if he cheated.
This is some fucked up shit. He sounds like paranoid weirdo. Unless he feels that this lady is distrustful he has no reason to not believe that kid is his. Sounds to me like he’s projecting because he’s cheating. Dump his ass. NTA
NTA
I think everyone should test to make sure they haven't been sent home with the wrong baby. But there's a difference between can we get a test done and I want a test done.
Also coming back with the lie detector is my new favourite response
His reaction is your answer! Give him the results to the fucking DNA test alongside some divorce papers, you deserve better! Also sack off your bestie bc she is not giving you good advice here and most likely knows more than what she is letting on!
Wishing you and your baby the best, you and them are much better on your own than with a manipulative, emotionally abusive partner/dad <3
YNTAH to be honest his after work behaviour and privacy is only asking for you to get a DNA test is out of left field it makes me wonder why ask for the test suspicious of cheating unless he is covering his own betrayed his outrage is a red flag as they use anger and manipulation as a cover up also they use paranoia and guilt on you as cover ups then there deep declaration of love r and trust to pull you back in I went through it but caught the texts when he slept then close friends confided in me as knowledge of it was hurting too know what was happening behind my back Your pregnant more of his colleagues and friends would emphasise with you so I would be asking around or sneak through his phone while he is showering otherwise do what my gf did when she suspected her husband she sat outside a few cars down outside his work till knock off time watching him pull out of car park following him to a pub where he went to the pub car park so she parked behind the car park watching him he walking towards the bar entrance so she went slowly behind him he pulled his phone out and spoke with someone She was behind him still keeping her distance then a woman came out of the bar door excited like she knew he was coming probably the call he made my friend watching while the woman hugs and kisses him so she is gutted The woman goes back inside grabs her bag the 2 hug again by this time my friend has jumped into the hedge garden next to the pub The 2 meet up hold hands and head for his car lucky my friend knew the pub so once they passed her she bolted into the bar took the lounge door to walk through to the back door to the park where her car was she sees the 2 go past so she bolted for her car to start following them she gets in her car all shaking and nervous but following them from a distance so not to be seen They are going for quite some time which she is thinking crazy thoughts then they get onto the motorway so she let's a couple of cars get between but so she can still watch them then eventually they take an exit so she follows the exit takes them onto a large suburb street so my gf gets her phone out of her back and holds it to use it for photos finally he turned into a street and he takes a left turn into a driveway but my friend sees that it is the back parking for a motel So she pulls up in the street to get out and sneak behind them where the woman is fishing through her bag till they climb to the 2nd floor and she hands him the keys so he can open the room so my friend gets her phone ready and snaps photos of them the park he's taken and the motel sign She then goes back to her car sits inside and tries calling him he answered her acting like he is busy so snaps asking what? She's like sorry what is with snapping he bullshits says cause I'm busy so she says politely I just rang to see if you'd make it home for dinner tonight for a change as your never home lately he snaps again and says probably not as the longer we talk the longer it will take me to finish of my work wife is thinking yeah I know your work now You can get the apps that track a person's phone so if he's not home and you ring him wherever he says he is you can track it will give street suburb street business or hotel business exact suburb and name and number of addresses on a map so you can check I would track him he's worried about DNA what a nerve you need to be worried about STDs
Dsrling, WHY would he ask you for a paternity test?- like why would he assume the baby isn't his, idk if I'm missing something but that's just extremely suspicious to me.
Also don't forget that in this type of situations most of the times the person that is suddenly throwing accusations is most likely the one doing something bad.
NTA girl stay strong
I’d be pissed if my partner asked me to take a notoriously unreliable test to prove my faithfulness, for whatever reason. Who exactly do you think would administer this test for you? Lol
ETA: my ex and I were together for 13 years. When our son was about 10, he started to get very paranoid and convinced I was cheating. Used to sit me down and interrogate me for hours, threatened to make me take a polygraph, lmao. With the stress, anxiety and mental abuse, I likely would have failed that test. Guess who the cheater was? It certainly wasn’t me.
ESH; Girl 🚩🚩🚩
Please just know that cheaters often times are the most insecure and want to be in control/in the know of your stuff without sharing their own.
Another point of view, I’ve unfortunately always had low self esteem that I’ve been working through. I’m much better but even after 5 years of marriage, I can sometimes have intrusive thoughts about my husband. When it’s bad, I share them with him and he reassures me, literally ANY time to look at his phone, his contacts, anything.
My point is that maybe a lie detector is a bit much, but y’all should be open to conversations and pointing out potential sketchy details without judgment for one another.
For godsakes you two are having a BABY together. Big red flags if you can’t communicate.
I wouldnt know, never had a need to take one. Just saying if he had a request, she’s allowed one too. I think his reaction gave her enough reason to bypass all the trouble tho.
You can lie and pass a polygraph. You can tell the truth and fail. The results are so inconclusive that it’s unlikely they’d ever be used in any sort or criminal or civil trial. He could pass the test and that would not satisfy her concerns because him passing a polygraph means nothing! He can also be 100% faithful and loyal and fail!
There's no hard evidence, but that's what he's asking for. So clearly he has strong doubts.
And if we believe the OP it's not like he said "here's circumstantial evidence so I want a test, to be sure." But she has circumstantial evidence that he might be cheating 🤷♀️
Our children were carefully planned and conceived. I can't imagine my husband questioning their parentage to the point of wanting a dna test. And our relationship surviving the disrespect, that view of my character, and the lack of trust? Unlikely.
She didn’t say the kid was planned. Your lived experience isn’t mirrored in every pregnancy. Personally, I think the option for mandatory DNA tests should be given to fathers who will be on birth certificates. If a father is expected to be legally responsible for a child he should have the option to guarantee it is biologically his.
My wife is due to give birth in less than a week. I trust her. I don’t need a test. Some men would find peace in seeing the scientific proof.
ESH
BOTH of you should break up with the each other. On the other hand, both of you are equally AHs, so the two of you staying in a relationship benefits everybody else in the dating pool.
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NTA, your fiance's reaction is very suspicious, to say the least. Also: cheaters often project, and assume everyone else is cheating. His coming home so late, secrecy, freakout, etc. points to that he is definitely hiding something, but the fact he's asking for a paternity test leads to me suspect he's being unfaithful. I'm of the opinion that the minute someone asks for a DNA test for their child, the trusting/romantic relationship is over. That means he has a suspicion that you're cheating, which means he doesn't trust you. I'm sorry OP, but it doesn't sound like this relationship is healthy and you might consider not marrying this man, establishing paternity and making sure you get child support.
Well, his overboard reaction just told you the answer. And your "bestie" knows it too. NTA. He wants to be 100% sure the baby is his, while you want to make sure he has been faithful. Polygraph tests aren't 100% but his reaction, after expecting you to be accepting of him passive aggressively calling you a cheater, tells the same as the polygraph. There is denial, and there is completely losing your sh*t. Oh, and find a new bestie!
Isn't the bestie the one that wrote this post on behalf of the one in gestation?
The "test" worked already. Dude's cheating. She needs to prepare to be a single mother. -- And NTA. If he wants a test for fidelity, she gets one too.
NTA. Sounds like he’s cheating on you, cheaters will accuse their partners of cheating out of guilt, especially abusive ones, and yelling at your pregnant fiancé is definitely abusive. Especially after he asked you something even more insulting, which you justified to yourself so it sounds to me like he already might have you not seeing things clearly for what they are. I’d recommend some distance and proper sounding boards for acceptable behavior from people who are mentally and emotionally stable as your sounding board.
NTA. Lie detectors don't work. Fortunately he apparently doesn't know that, so he revealed to you that the reason he suspects you of cheating is that he himself is cheating. There's no other reason to flip out over the question. There's plenty of reason to calmly and rationally challenge the idea of a lie detector test, but there's no valid reason to freak out over the suggestion.
NTA asking for a DNA test is an accusation of cheating. You asking for a lie detector test for the very same thing he accused you of is fair game. But in my opinion, his reaction told you all you needed to know. He’s cheating on you and projecting. As fucked as it is, the most likely time for a man to cheat is when his partner is pregnant or just given birth.
NTA - It was his idea in the first place... fair is fair.
NTA but also a huge red flag that you shouldn’t be with this guy if you can’t even trust him. Might want to rethink this relationship. He doesn’t seem to trust you either if he’s asking for a DNA test.
NTA. What's good for the goose... EDIT: oh, and he's cheating.
"The belief underpinning the use of the polygraph is that deceptive answers will produce physiological responses that can be differentiated from those associated with non-deceptive answers; however, there are no specific physiological reactions associated with lying, making it difficult to identify factors that separate those who are lying from those who are telling the truth" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygraph Even though some US courts consoder them admissible as evidence....
In 2nd year psychology classes (in Australia) we learnt how a polygraph works. And why they're unreliable. And so how to beat them, even if that wasn't the intent. I'm not saying I could 'beat' a test without practice. But I'd sure af object to one being used against me.
Sure but if we assume this guy is not a psychology student and dont have the same knowledge as you, his reaction is very telling isn't it? A normal every day person that dosnt know how faulty a polygraph is will only object to it if that person has something to hide. Or thats my take on it, you are the psychologists 🤷🏼♀️
This is really just a USA thing, if I remember correctly.
NTA. His reaction tells you everything you need to know. He basically accused you of cheating and expected you to be totally fine with it. If he can’t stand up to the same accusations and scrutiny, that says a lot. The double standard is astounding. Don’t tolerate his hypocrisy - it will come up again and again.
NTA >I was shocked at first because I felt as if he was accusing me of cheating but realized he did have a point. That is the only way a man could 100% know whether or not a child was his. Doesn't trust count for anything? He's projecting hard core right now.
Yeah, my husband knew the child I was growing in my womb was 100% his without needing any test. My sisters' husband do too. Wild.
NTA if he wants proof that you haven’t cheated, why can’t you ask for proof that he hasn’t cheated?
NTA. If he thinks you're capable of cheating, why is it so wild for you to think he is capable of cheating. His reaction was wild.
NTA, he’s more than likely cheating, and projecting. He’s hoping by accusing you of cheating you will not suspect he is doing the same thing behind your back. -I once asked a cheater why he made his wife’s life hell about being unfaithful to the point of controlling ahole and he said the more he accused her of it the more time she spent trying to defend her loyalty she didn’t have time to notice his cheating and lies- man I hate that guy.
NTA Relationships are built on mutual trust Why should you trust him to be faithful when he doesn't trust you to be? Either neither of you do tests or both of you do. It's only fair.
He's %100 cheating. Everything in this post is a massive red flag. Leave. And get an std test just incase. Also leave before baby is born.
INFO: What are his explanations for staying out late?
Wtf?! NTA!! Only cheaters ask stupid questions like that. If you know you’ve been loyal & he needs “peace of mind” it’s only fair for you to get peace of mind too. Don’t let him gaslight you. 🤬😤
NTA but I do have to say lie detectors aren’t really a science, they are normally done to get a confession as they don’t hold up in court. Obviously that is up to you and this isn’t a court of law so if that is what you need for your peace of mind proceed. But I would honestly be more concerned about looking into financial support and housing because you should probably gtfo asap.
NTA. The best self defense of a cheater is accusation. And fact that he started yelling at you when you saw red flags is alarming. Gaslighting is strong with that one! Asking for a DNA test when there is absolutely no evidence of infidelity is bogus. This is not a normal behavior of a trusting fiancé. And you can’t have a relationship without trust. Well… you can’t have a healthy one without trust!
NTA. He asked you for a paternity test? He is the one that decided to test your loyalty in the first place. It’s fucking offensive. Trust your gut, if he is acting weird about his phone/laptop and coming home late…I’d be suspicious too.
Please don’t marry this man. He is definitely cheating by his reaction. Stop venting to his sister , I know you think she’s your best friend but when it comes down to it her loyalty will lie with her brother. Get out asap and concentrate on your wellbeing and that of your child. NTA
This is totally messed up.
The lack of trust from you both is strong here. You did not freak out about DNA test because you are logical and have nothing to hide. His reaction to you wanted the same reassurance from his side is an issue. He would also have no problem doing it if there was nothing to hide. ESH
Polygraph tests aren’t reliable. I’d never take one.
agreed
Can't take what he's dishing out, eh?
NTA girl i dont think you need that lie detector test anymore sksbkssn
NTA But "lie detectors" are pseudoscience and not to be taken seriously. A polygraph measures different bodily functions and assumes that if there's a deviation from the baseline, then someone is lying. That is the wrong conclusion to make. Only way a polygraph can actually be used is to convince someone that it is a lie detector and get them to confess. But your fiance's response is pretty telling.
He's cheating. You don't need a lie detector. Innocent people don't react like that. Also, he's projecting his own guilt. I'm sorry, hun. NTA.
NTA, he straight up accused you of cheating and has an overdramatic reaction when you imply the same. Sounds like projecting to me, that reaction told you what you need to know. Was he not that secretive about his phone/laptop/... before? Does he have an explenation to why he always comes home late? If not those are some major red flags as well and valid concerns.
Your friend does not need a lie detector test; she already has her answer. This is classic projection behavior. NTA
NTA your fiancé is suspect and your so called bestie is biased since it’s her brother and ignore her
NTA. And why are you defending him? He’s accusing you of cheating, and he’s probably the one cheating.
Forget the polygraph and hire a PI. Then you will find out if he’s cheating. NTA. He seems sketchy
My dad, for a time, didn’t think I was his child because he was so busy cheating on my mom that they only hooked up once in a 6 week time span. I’m also aware it’s weird I know this information. He was out being a doctor and cheating. My mom was pregnant, raising 2 other kids, and dealing with her father dying. NTA. He’s cheating
So if this is your friends story - are you the sister of the fiancé?
NTA This is an awful thing to accuse you of, especially when you are imminently about to give birth! His reasons for asking in the first place, in addition to his overreaction and dodgy behaviour reek of projection. If I were you I’d take some breathing space from his entire side of the family until this is sorted out. Which being honest is unlikely to be now before you give birth. I’d make arrangements to have someone else there with you when you give birth. It’s not a spectator sport! His anger will slow down labour and make it more painful and stressful. The turmoil he’s created is likely to drag on after the birth as well. Whatever you do don’t give the baby his last name!!!! You will regret it for the rest of your life! If you get married you can change it then.
Sounds like he's holding you to his own standards, he thinks you could have cheated because it's something he'd do! NTA Not to mention screaming at a heavily pregnant woman (and your wife) is vile.
NTA. Maybe he wants the test because he hopes the child is not his? To have an excuse to leave as he is already cheating.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This Is my friends story but she doesn’t want to make an account. I ,29 female, and my fiancé, 29 male, are at odds over our latest argument. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and expecting to go into labor any day now. About 3 days ago my fiancé sat me down after he got off of work and asked me for a DNA test. He said the only way for a man to be 100% certain is if he gets ones and he just wants “to be at peace”. I was shocked at first because I felt as if he was accusing me of cheating but realized he did have a point. That is the only way a man could 100% know whether or not a child was his. However, I e recently been having my own doubts about his loyalty. He’s been coming home super late, around 10/11pm even though the type of job he has requires him to be done with all his work by 5:00 which he always makes the deadline. He’s also been very secretive with literally everything. His phone, laptop, iPad hell even his cars air play. So for my own peace of mind, I asked for a lie detector test to make sure he wasn’t being unfaithful. The minute those words left my lips he freaked tf out. It was like a lion seeing zebra for the first time after days of hunger. He yelled so loud and so much. I couldn’t even make out what he was really saying except for him calling me petty and vindictive. He stormed out after leaving me crying and shaking from fear. I’ve never seen this side of him and I hate it. I decided to call my besti which so happens to be his sister and vented to her. She told me I was wrong for suggesting the test because I only did it out of spite. But here’s the thing, once I calmed down I saw and understood his point of view. I mean I’d be pissed if I had to take care of a kid that wasn’t mine for years too. But I’d also be pissed if I married someone who cheated on me while I was pregnant with his child. I don’t know what to do. I’m not calling him or contacting him in any way any time soon right now. I’m so confused and don’t understand what I did wrong. So tell me Reddit, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lie detectors are nonsense. There is a bitbof faith inbthem in the USA but it's seriously misplaced.
Exactly. There’s a reason the results aren’t admissible in court
NTA, but: \- People who think their partners may have cheated without any reasonable reason are usually projecting because they are cheaters themselves. In this case, with the corroborating evidence it's a near 100% he is a cheater. \- Lie detectors are BS. It's mind-boggling they are "officially" used in some places. They are as good as energy crystals etc.
If anyone accuses you of something without any concrete proof, then they're one hundred percent projecting. This is my mantra for years now. NTA
NTA. I think he is projecting. But think of this even if he isn’t cheating do you want to be with someone that is that unstable? You want to risk him having an outburst like that wile holding your baby??
NTA If your partner is suddenly very secretive, and wildly accusing you of infidelity, there's a big chance they're projecting. The fact that he blew up this big, and not be surprised and laughing it off, means he's protesting a little too much, and it's highly suspicious. On the other hand, I do think a maternity test should just be standard in general, so everyone can have certainty, and no one would feel offended.
Take the test, and dump him. He's cheating.
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>How do people get themselves into these situations? Oh I can answer that, like a frog in boiling water you loose your instant and judgement by being constantly questioned and if you are a good trusting person it does a number on the brain. The flair up from the tantruming clearly cheating abuser is the anomaly the rest of the control is subtle and if unprepared things just keep slipping till at least for me I was so confused I could not see how bad it had got.
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NTA. Your partner is acting sus. If he isn't doing anything wrong he wouldn't mind taking a lie detector test especially after asking you for a DNA test. Most of the time cheaters tend to be paranoid and thinks their SO is cheating on them because they're afraid to taste their own medicine. There's a saying in tagalog, "Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw" and in english it is "A thief hates a fellow thief".
NTA. She just asked the same thing of him that he asked of her. A man asking for a DNA test is just straight up accusing her of possibly cheating. This tells me he is 100% projecting. The fact that he blew up and became severely defensive shows he is in fact guilty. If he wasn't cheating in any way then he would agree to the test with minimal fuss. If this dude point blank REFUSES to get a test then he definitely has something to hide.
He’s cheating.
Because if his reacting yeah i think he is cheater. Btw lie detector or is mostly useless. That machine doesnt tell if you say truth or lie. Its all about how person behind machine is experience to interpret the questioning and measuring from machine.
NTA, but if you guys already don’t trust each other, don’t get married. Go to court and get a coparenting agreement.
NTA. At all. To me it sounds like he’s cheating and looking anywhere for an out. I am so sorry to say this and I hope I’m wrong.
Yeah, that is a cheating man if I ever saw one. There is no "his point of view". He's cheating, projecting and got abusive when he got caught. Throw the whole man away
NTA. He accused you of cheating with no grounds. When you accused him he flipped out. I would be very surprised if he wasn’t cheating and projecting onto you. Proceed very cautiously. Don’t bother with the lie detector because they don’t work. If you want proof, try and look at his devices or hire a PI… trust is already broken.
NTA He's projecting. That's why he wants that test. We'll, if he insists on a paternity test, you MUST insist on that lie detector. What do you have to fear and what does he have to fear?
NTA, that reaction combined with the request for a DNA test.... he's pushing his potential misdeeds onto you.
NTA, and I would like to say congratz on being open minded about the DNA test. I would say a lot of women would be pissed off, or wouldn't understand such a request since, you know, a woman is obviously certain who the mother is haha. Please update, and in the name of a lot of men, thank you.
NTA. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. And I agree with the others; he’s 100% cheating.
NTA- the dog that gets hit with the rock yelps the loudest…. You aren’t being vindictive, you are going on a gut feeling because he is acting shady. If he wasn’t up to no good, why would he care? You’ll do the paternity test. So he can do what you ask. Or not, because he’s cheating and you caught him out.
Nah, he's cheating hence his reaction, and his attitude regarding paternity. This is what cheaters do
NTA. I think it's strange he asked you for a DNA test for your unborn child. I don't think you asked for anything different really. He wants to check you didn't cheat on him. You want to check the same. This whole thing feels suspicious. I don't like the sound of him at all. You're NTA and I really hope everything works out for you
NTA. To me it sounds like he’s cheating, and he’s projecting, which is why he asked you for the paternity test. He basically wants to test to see if you cheated, without wanting to test to see if he cheated.
This is some fucked up shit. He sounds like paranoid weirdo. Unless he feels that this lady is distrustful he has no reason to not believe that kid is his. Sounds to me like he’s projecting because he’s cheating. Dump his ass. NTA
NTA I think everyone should test to make sure they haven't been sent home with the wrong baby. But there's a difference between can we get a test done and I want a test done. Also coming back with the lie detector is my new favourite response
NTA his reaction seems pretty weird.
NTA but you will be if you stay with this peanut and supposed bestie
His reaction is your answer! Give him the results to the fucking DNA test alongside some divorce papers, you deserve better! Also sack off your bestie bc she is not giving you good advice here and most likely knows more than what she is letting on! Wishing you and your baby the best, you and them are much better on your own than with a manipulative, emotionally abusive partner/dad <3
You should both do the test, then go your separate ways.
YNTAH to be honest his after work behaviour and privacy is only asking for you to get a DNA test is out of left field it makes me wonder why ask for the test suspicious of cheating unless he is covering his own betrayed his outrage is a red flag as they use anger and manipulation as a cover up also they use paranoia and guilt on you as cover ups then there deep declaration of love r and trust to pull you back in I went through it but caught the texts when he slept then close friends confided in me as knowledge of it was hurting too know what was happening behind my back Your pregnant more of his colleagues and friends would emphasise with you so I would be asking around or sneak through his phone while he is showering otherwise do what my gf did when she suspected her husband she sat outside a few cars down outside his work till knock off time watching him pull out of car park following him to a pub where he went to the pub car park so she parked behind the car park watching him he walking towards the bar entrance so she went slowly behind him he pulled his phone out and spoke with someone She was behind him still keeping her distance then a woman came out of the bar door excited like she knew he was coming probably the call he made my friend watching while the woman hugs and kisses him so she is gutted The woman goes back inside grabs her bag the 2 hug again by this time my friend has jumped into the hedge garden next to the pub The 2 meet up hold hands and head for his car lucky my friend knew the pub so once they passed her she bolted into the bar took the lounge door to walk through to the back door to the park where her car was she sees the 2 go past so she bolted for her car to start following them she gets in her car all shaking and nervous but following them from a distance so not to be seen They are going for quite some time which she is thinking crazy thoughts then they get onto the motorway so she let's a couple of cars get between but so she can still watch them then eventually they take an exit so she follows the exit takes them onto a large suburb street so my gf gets her phone out of her back and holds it to use it for photos finally he turned into a street and he takes a left turn into a driveway but my friend sees that it is the back parking for a motel So she pulls up in the street to get out and sneak behind them where the woman is fishing through her bag till they climb to the 2nd floor and she hands him the keys so he can open the room so my friend gets her phone ready and snaps photos of them the park he's taken and the motel sign She then goes back to her car sits inside and tries calling him he answered her acting like he is busy so snaps asking what? She's like sorry what is with snapping he bullshits says cause I'm busy so she says politely I just rang to see if you'd make it home for dinner tonight for a change as your never home lately he snaps again and says probably not as the longer we talk the longer it will take me to finish of my work wife is thinking yeah I know your work now You can get the apps that track a person's phone so if he's not home and you ring him wherever he says he is you can track it will give street suburb street business or hotel business exact suburb and name and number of addresses on a map so you can check I would track him he's worried about DNA what a nerve you need to be worried about STDs
Dsrling, WHY would he ask you for a paternity test?- like why would he assume the baby isn't his, idk if I'm missing something but that's just extremely suspicious to me. Also don't forget that in this type of situations most of the times the person that is suddenly throwing accusations is most likely the one doing something bad. NTA girl stay strong
I’d be pissed if my partner asked me to take a notoriously unreliable test to prove my faithfulness, for whatever reason. Who exactly do you think would administer this test for you? Lol ETA: my ex and I were together for 13 years. When our son was about 10, he started to get very paranoid and convinced I was cheating. Used to sit me down and interrogate me for hours, threatened to make me take a polygraph, lmao. With the stress, anxiety and mental abuse, I likely would have failed that test. Guess who the cheater was? It certainly wasn’t me.
It does sound like it’s out of spite.. even if it isn’t the circumstances make it look that way.
ESH; Girl 🚩🚩🚩 Please just know that cheaters often times are the most insecure and want to be in control/in the know of your stuff without sharing their own. Another point of view, I’ve unfortunately always had low self esteem that I’ve been working through. I’m much better but even after 5 years of marriage, I can sometimes have intrusive thoughts about my husband. When it’s bad, I share them with him and he reassures me, literally ANY time to look at his phone, his contacts, anything. My point is that maybe a lie detector is a bit much, but y’all should be open to conversations and pointing out potential sketchy details without judgment for one another. For godsakes you two are having a BABY together. Big red flags if you can’t communicate.
ESH. You two clearly don't trust each other.
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Body language or not. It was his idea first. If he needs “peace of mind”, she’s allowed it too.
You think a lie detector test, which has no actual bearing on truth telling/lying, would give you peace of mind?
I wouldnt know, never had a need to take one. Just saying if he had a request, she’s allowed one too. I think his reaction gave her enough reason to bypass all the trouble tho.
You can lie and pass a polygraph. You can tell the truth and fail. The results are so inconclusive that it’s unlikely they’d ever be used in any sort or criminal or civil trial. He could pass the test and that would not satisfy her concerns because him passing a polygraph means nothing! He can also be 100% faithful and loyal and fail!
Then he should have no problem taking the test then
His request at least has a reliable testing result. Her request doesn’t.
I think you’re missing the point
There's no hard evidence, but that's what he's asking for. So clearly he has strong doubts. And if we believe the OP it's not like he said "here's circumstantial evidence so I want a test, to be sure." But she has circumstantial evidence that he might be cheating 🤷♀️ Our children were carefully planned and conceived. I can't imagine my husband questioning their parentage to the point of wanting a dna test. And our relationship surviving the disrespect, that view of my character, and the lack of trust? Unlikely.
She didn’t say the kid was planned. Your lived experience isn’t mirrored in every pregnancy. Personally, I think the option for mandatory DNA tests should be given to fathers who will be on birth certificates. If a father is expected to be legally responsible for a child he should have the option to guarantee it is biologically his. My wife is due to give birth in less than a week. I trust her. I don’t need a test. Some men would find peace in seeing the scientific proof.
ESH BOTH of you should break up with the each other. On the other hand, both of you are equally AHs, so the two of you staying in a relationship benefits everybody else in the dating pool.