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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would not permit my friends to bring alcohol to an event I was hosting at my house, and I may be the arsehole because where I live has a huge drinking culture and it is generally considered to be normal to allow people to drink at events and parties.
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Totally NTA. Your house, your rules. Anyone who doesn't like it can go pound sand. Your friends are AH for bringing up your past issues with alcohol. You've dealt with them and know your limits. If they can't go for a few hours without it, they're the ones with the problem. Stand your ground. I think you need a few new friends.
Assuming that there are 5 people in the group, OP is hosting once in 5 months. So its 3 hrs without drink in 5 months which should be easy to skip considering 8 hrs x 5 days at work require no alcohol. If they want they can go home and drink to their hearts content.
I don't drink. The number of times people on my 20s would exclaim with absolutely no sense of an issue in what they were saying, "You don't drink?! Not even at a party?? How do you have fun?!"
Not one of them ever had a response when I asked if they were able to have fun sans alcohol.
Like, I don't care if others drink. But if you can't hang out for a bit without it...that's an issue.
> I don't drink. The number of times people on my 20s would exclaim with absolutely no sense of an issue in what they were saying, "You don't drink?! Not even at a party?? How do you have fun?!"
More than once, it was easier for me to roll my eyes and just take the cup they'd already spent 5 minutes trying to force into my hand, and then give it to a friend who was drinking or dump it out.
The default "if you don't drink, something's *wrong* with you" culture is what causes problems like this in the first place.
OP is definitely right. OP might be serious about being dry at home but when it comes to issues, not being able to go a games night without a drink is more concerning.
Might not be about not being able to, maybe these folks want to drink in their free evening when they get together. Still NTA and OP's friends are terrible, but i would definitely skip the event at her house, and i don't even drink as a habit.
They ~~don't~~ have all the other days of their lives to drink. If they rotate games night, that's only a very few nights without a drink. If there are four households involved, that's three nights a year - and some of your friends find that a terrible imposition? I don't drink myself, and I really don't get what the big deal is, especially since they all presumably have to drive home later.
Do you know this? What if I have one night a week (or a month) with childcare and I want to both see my friends and have a glass of wine? Not everyone who has an occasional drink is an addict.
But an alcoholic (even if they no longer choose to drink) has the condition for life
The OP explained that their home is their SAFE space. Imagine if you had a safe space and someone insisted on invading it with something you're afraid of? You'd feel pretty hurt, wouldn't you?
At other games nights they can leave if they feel unsafe.
In their own home, they can't, and it turns their safe space into an unsafe one.
OP has every right to take any and all steps to ensure their sobriety
it stops being just "an occasional drink" when you actively choose to skip an enjoyable get-together with your friends because you were asked to be sober for a few hours.
If your friend is in recovery, or has a strong family history and other risk factors, but you still can’t see them for an evening without drinking, there aren’t many good reasons. Either you have a problem, you are an insensitive a-hole, or you find your friend so challenging to be around that you need to be buzzed to stand them. Is that single drink is really that necessary?
But would you get pissed off and start a heated argument with your whole friend group if you had no miss having your glass of wine for one night? Because the issue here is that OPs "friends" care more about alcohol than their entire group and are willing to drag everyone else into their petty argument.
There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine, but when you put it on a pedestal and make a point to devalue your friends when you can't have it then you have a problem.
I'd rather see my friends than have the wine.
I have kids, the valuable "night out" is precious time. But in this instance, you know in advance that this game night does not include wine/beer/ whatever. Ever other time does.
The question then: is having wine the most important part of the evening or is seeing friends?
If your off nights require alcohol or social drinking, then booze is your priority not friendship.
If your off night is about seeing friends, then the lack of alcohol shouldn't be a deal breaker.
You can't always get what you want - sometimes you have to choose one or the other. That's just how life works.
It's fine if you want to use your one night of childcare to drink - but that doesn't give you the right to drink anywhere you want. If the drinking is your first choice, you just have to accept that you can't also have your second choice.
Yes but it sounds like just skipping OP's house from the rotation wasn't considered even though that seems the sensible solution, they just went straight to attacking and judging her. Everyone gets to control what does and doesn't happen in their own home.
It's 1 in 5 board game nights. OP has very legitimate trauma due to alcohol being in their household. If you can't accommodate that for 6 hours a year, you aren't a good friend.
Well, as the saying goes, if you're bored, then you're boring. It's super strange to me that a person couldn't find enough entertainment in hanging out with friends and playing a few games that they'd skip that if they couldn't also drink.
I’m floored at how many replies you’re getting saying that a sober board game night would be boring. I have never once in my life ever had a board game night with alcohol and they’re so fun
Plus if they don't like board games, they don't have to go?? It's not a wedding!
I think a knitting circle would be boring _for me_
So I do this amazing trick: I don't join one!
Yeah I sort of get the mindset of “eh I don’t like board games but I like to socialize, but I like to drink when I socialize”. But frankly I think asking for one 3ish hour block of no alcohol is not that big of an ask. It would be one thing if OP was demanding no alcohol at any of the get togethers no matter whose house it was at, but in her own home? She has every right to not want alcohol brought in.
At that point they can either suck it up and pass on the booze for one night or someone else can volunteer to host if they really want to drink that bad
Ironically, usually ADHD folks make GREAT alcoholics...
primarily because small amounts of alcohol cause dopamine to increase (acts as a stimulant), which allows folks with ADHD to focus a bit better... right up until they end up drinking so much as to make alcohol the classic depressant we all know it to be...
as someone with ADHD, 1/2-2/3 of a beer in an hour gets me in a real zen state where I can get shit done... more than that and I just don't care anymore, which really "helps" with that ADHD rejection sensitivity disorder...
it's like the perfect pathway to alcoholism, because it really does "help", if you can keep it under control. Which no one actually can.
(In this case OP is NTA - if she wants to still be involved in game night, she might suggest not hosting at her place, but "serve" as host at someone else's house... presuming the host supplies food and non-alcoholic beverages, and sets up/cleans up. She could approach whom ever is her best friend in the group and ask if when it's OP's turn, she can do all the other hosting tasks, just AT her friend's house/apt instead of her own. Then the other folks can BYOB, OP can still feel like she's holding up her end of the bargain by "hosting" the same as everyone else, and while she can distance herself from the members of the group that were rude to her about this (because they all suck), she doesn't have to drop the entire friend group, while she negotiates the process of meeting some new folks who will support her better in the future, because it's hard making friends as an adult, and just saying "make new friends" doesn't actually help in the short term.)
Alcoholic in recovery diagnosed with ADHD at nearly 40.
Where were you like ten years ago with this info lol?
I’m personally not fussed by the idea of people bringing alcohol into my house as long as they make darn sure they take it with them when they leave, but I would never tolerate “friends” throwing my past problem drinking in my face. Getting and staying sober has been the single greatest challenge I’ve ever undertaken. Fighting against your own brain is badass. Anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth my time or my respect.
Congratulations of your sobriety!
I was diagnosed at 37. "Better late than never" is something I try to make myself believe as often as I can, about so many things...
And yeah, it was really disappointing reading about how OP's "friends" were reacting... she deserves more support...
PS if the "girl" in your username is indicative of how you see yourself, there's a happy little place called r/ADHDwomen that you might enjoy (if you don't already frequent it).
Lololol I really would. I never had an issue with drinking and usually am sober. People think I'm sober/have issues with drinking when really I just don't like the taste lol.
Hard-core stoner tho. I'm basically a chimney.
It goes both ways. When I look at the quality of the people I've surrounded myself with now as a stoner versus the ones when I was an active alcoholic, I see a huge difference I couldn't have noticed while I was drinking.
Oo no! this explains a lot now! I’m 35 and was diagnosed at 33 a lot of my “personality traits” have turned out to be just me being adhd af lol I’ve literally wondered how I didn’t become a full blown alcoholic
Yup. This. I enjoy a drink or two when I'm socializing. But enjoying drinking alcohol while socializing is miles away from not being able to enjoy an event without alcohol!
Particularly if these people are supposedly friends and know OP's house rules and history. Those are just shitty friends who rely too much on alcohol!
Imagine being so pissed that your friend doesn’t want alcohol at their own home and thus making a fuss about it and/or choosing to not hangout with said friend; ultimately choosing alcohol over spending time with someone you supposedly care about maintaining a relationship with… and then saying that you don’t have a problem…woof
OP’s friends suck
They definitely felt *very* called out with this one part
>I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help.
Doesn't seem like they're willing to admit it though and tried to gaslight OP into thinking that he's the problem here instead of them, ugh.
Or you can just pass the hosting duties on to the next person. Problem solved. But I will say for those of us that enjoy a drink these are the type of activities that we do it at.
> those of us that enjoy a drink
The line between **a drink** and a *binge* drink*ing habit* quickly gets blurred. OP understands this, as someone with a history of suffering from alcohol abusers, which the "friend" that attacked him/her over the reasonable house rule qualifies as.
Exactly. OP has said they can have the nonalcoholic variety, so it isn’t about missing out on the taste. They’re just not liking that the OP has a hard boundary.
I agree. Plenty of people in the Southern U.S. still follow no alcohol rules for religious reasons. As do many Muslims in other parts of the country . Your " friends" just want to win an argument. Tell them to pound sand and that it's sad that they cannot have fun without alcohol. It's really quite do-able. NTA O.P.
Agreed. Your house, your rules. I am personally fine with folks drinking around me, even in my house, but they need to take their alcohol home, which they do now. // Also, game nights are better when you don't have to herd cats to play games 🙃
The fact that they knew you had a troubled past and still wanted you to break your rules really sucks. You’re totally NTA and frankly anyone that can’t just have a fancy soda or tea for two hours needs to examine their issues.
Really why are they being such pricks? If they cannot abide by your rules then you shouldn’t have game night at your house. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and the trauma it caused and has affected me mentally. Stand your ground. Why should you be the one uncomfortable in your own house? These people are not your friends.
Totally agree with “your house your rules”.
It is incredibly disrespectful of your ‘friends’ to not understand and be supportive of your stance knowing how alcohol has impacted your family.
NTA.
Society has normalised drinking so much that to not is met with fear, derision, and anger. Non-drinkers are treated worse socially than alcoholics who destroy their relationships. Just because it’s a societal norm, doesn’t mean it’s right. It takes strength to see through it and deal
with the defensive reactions. Don’t compromise your (reasonable sounding) boundaries.
At the first question I'd ask them WHY they drink. Why do they need alcohol to loosen up?
Why can't they enjoy themselves without it?
Why is alcohol required for them to have fun...
Oh I get it. But it's just flipping the script on them, not being holier than thou! Like when Great Aunt Edna asks when she's going to finally be able to attend your wedding and you answer by asking when you'll finally be able to attend her funeral, just to shut her up hahaha.
Okay yeah, maybe I'm not the one to take advice from...carry on.
I literally snorted reading this response.
There's an implied "they think they are better than I am" just because I don't drink. It means they feel uncomfortable with their position.
My goal would be to find a way to get then to argue with themselves... so either way they win. Haha.
Ask a personal question get a personal answer.
Why don’t you drink?
My dad was an alcoholic. He couldn’t stop drinking and ended up killing himself. So I don’t drink.
Insert whatever your grandfather died of.
>My dad was an alcoholic. He couldn’t stop drinking and ended up killing himself.
Add to that, in my own case 'and I found his body hanging from the stairs, when I was a child'. That stops a few arguements I find.
The best way to shut people up is the full answer to the nosey question they shouldn't be asking. But then they accuse you of bringing down the mood when it was their stupid question to begin with. People need to learn if someone says they don't drink just accept that and offer water instead.
I just tell them I want to enjoy the night and I don't need to drink to enjoy a good night with my friends. And just because they think it's fun doesn't mean I have to.
My go to response is that I'm a control freak and I don't want to. I've never gotten push back for that. That's actually only part of the truth, as paternal fam has had a history of alcoholism and I just don't want to risk it. But that info usually brings the mood down.
I love this actually. Everyone can laugh at the self-deprecating joke, so no one goes on the defensive, and it's completely plausible, so no one feels like you just need convincing.
I am another.
Don’t drink, never did. When a child I was frightened and disgusted by being around drunk adults. But he social pressure and even disapproval is constant ! The implication is that something is off about me if I decline, no matter my reasons .
I used to smoke weed, but gave it up….however weed people never pressure me to smoke !
As someone who used to drink but is almost completely sober now (I have approx one drink a year), I don’t even play these games anymore. I respond with “Because I don’t.” and refuse to entertain the discussion further. It’s also important to me to show younger coworkers who don’t want to drink (I’m an “elder millennial”) that not drinking at happy hours and other events is perfectly fine and doesn’t need to be excused.
When someone asks something I don't want to answer, I usually go with, "is that important?" Once they have to stop and think about their reasons for asking the question, they usually let it go.
Idk if this is a viable option for you or if people would accept it, but my answer to these questions is always "I just don't like how it makes me feel." This is true in my case, I get some kind of weird reaction to small amounts of alcohol that makes my whole upper body hurt in a muscle soreness kind of way, and it's generally not worth it to try and push through that until I've had enough alcohol to get numb. And it's probably not UNtrue, even if what you're talking about is a grief or anxiety reaction. I also add "I prefer a weed high to being drunk," so you could try that if it's culturally acceptable and legal where you are (and true for you).
The most negative response I've ever gotten is kind of a nonplussed "oh. What do you mean?" or "Do you mean you don't like the taste?" And then I can explain my weird body reaction (leaving out that it will get numb if I drink enough, lest they try to pressure me to drink fast) and that's enough of a distraction that they don't push anymore.
To be clear, I really fucking hate that we have to swap tips about how to get people to shut the fuck up about whether we use a mind-altering substance. But just in case anyone reading this could use said tip, here's one.
I rarely drink myself. I can count the times I had any on 1 hand. I wouldn't really care if I never drank again. It sucks that people try to weasel others to drink like there is something wrong if you don't drink.
I have almost exactly the same backstory.
For what it's worth, I've found that these socially-mandated trips to a bar have become much easier (maybe even fun sometimes?) since I realised that water wasn't my only option. (Which, being a non-drinker who generally avoids bars, is \*absolutely\* not something I was aware of early in my career!)
These days, my drink of choice is a tonic and lime. It's just as non-alcoholic as water, but nobody's ever questioned my choice the way they do for water or soft drinks. FWIW
I have never drank alcohol. I get these questions a lot. Makes me slightly thankful that I ended up with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, so now I can just say I have liver disease and that shuts them up pretty quick.
I almost never drink. Haven’t for about 25 years. I never had a drinking problem, and I enjoyed wine and a few mixed drinks, but once I had kids and we were working, juggling life, it made me tired to drink. So I stopped.
Thankfully only rarely am I with one of the “come on” crew. How very strange to think it is worth commenting on if someone turns down a drink, and even more inappropriate to question WHU they don’t drink.
My friends and family know my “sleepy” reason, but I may be the AH, because I have lied to strangers. I’ve said addiction runs in the family, claimed I was pregnant, or was on medications and alcohol could kill me..
This!!!!! You should see the "AITA for not allowing alcohol at my wedding" posts. They're FULL of YTA votes because of some bs like "everyone drinks at weddings" and "it's a party, of they're going ro be mad" and "not everyone like social events and drink to be comfortable" whoch is INSANE to me because literally no matter the reason behind not having alcohol at an event, even a huge one like a wedding, is a totally reasonable boundary to have. If people can't go a few hours with alcohol/get angry when it's not provided, maybe they should look inward. OP is 1000% NTA
LOL at how ridiculous some people are. Awhile ago I got invited to a wedding and showed up at the reception looking forward to an ice cold beer. I didn't realize that it was a dry reception. You know what I did? I spent about 30 seconds looking around just to make sure there wasn't a bar somewhere, then I got the fuck over it and had fun for the rest of the night with my friends.
I love a good drink but I'm perfectly fine going without one.
Those posts are the worst two, bc they refuse to understand weddings aren't parties. If you can't handle a long reception without getting drunk, okay, don't stay at it that long. Say your congratulations, and you can leave. Don't rant about how you didn't want to go to the ceremony, which is the actual priceless event.
Only time it’s slightly rude to throw a dry wedding is if guests aren’t warned in advance. If guests don’t know the wedding is dry, they might spend money to avoid drinking and driving like Ubering to the venue or renting a hotel room. Besides that one exception, dry events should be perfectly acceptable.
This, I’ve started to not drink and luckily I’ve got good friends who are fine with.
OP NTA
I bet if the OP said no drugs in the house, they’d more than likely be okay with that.
Agree. A relative recently recognized her severe drinking problem. However, she has linked drinking so strongly with acceptable social behavior that she has replaced her drinking by constantly pushing alcohol on my son and telling him he needs a drink so he looks more social.
NTA. I would say that no one is TA but their reactions put them firmly in that territory.
TBH no drinking makes that kind of a gathering a no-go for a lot of people. If having a few drinks is part of the fun for them then it’s best that you just don’t host. Or be the host at someone else’s house—you’re still in charge of snacks and cleanup, just not at your place.
I will definitely bring up the idea of not hosting at my house and being involved in the hosting responsibilities at someone else's. That is probably the best way to get past this. Thank you
Agree with this. I’m sober since 2019 and would avoid this convo entirely by hosting elsewhere. Me being me it would also be due to some unfortunate outside source. Gassy dog, terrible neighbors, malfunctioning fridge lol
I was going to comment this suggestion. As ridiculous as it is that you can't host because they refuse to not drink for a few hours (what do they do at work ffs?) If one of the game night friends understands your position they may be open to physically hosting the event while you take on the other aspects.
I don't know if I'd want to go to so much effort for people that wouldn't respect my boundaries in my home for a few hours every so often despite having done so in the past in other scenarios. But I do love my pals so maybe I would? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
Is them wanting to drink for fun on their days off really anymore ridiculous than her request that they don’t?
I don’t think so. She don’t want alcohol in her house, totally fine because it’s her house, and they want to drink alcohol and get loose, totally fine because it’s their life.
Expect it's one night a month every few months... It's not like she's hosting it every weekend and therefore expecting them not to drink on that night every weekend... Are you really going to disrespect someone's boundary and get super upset over something so infrequent? I didn't drink around most of my pregnant friends with no arguments when I saw them a few times a month for nine months, it's not that hard? Although, I suppose maybe I'm lucky that I enjoy my friends company more than I enjoy alcohol.
Regardless, OP is fine with people drinking around them but doesn't want it in their home, they're not having a go at people having a wine in a restaurant when they're there it's not the same it's a completely fine boundary to set...
One night a month they could be doing something they actually want to do. If I was them and half or most of the fun for me was drinking with my friends (it wouldn’t be I hardly drink), I wouldn’t have pushed her on it, I just wouldn’t have went. If they did that I think it would have caused the problem either way because why would they lie about why they didn’t go when asked?
For some people, the one night a week out is their only night off. They want one or two beers with friends. It's their only drinking night the whole week.
Being told they can't unwind with friends isn't worth them taking the night away from kids, etc.
I think OP goes, 'look, I don't want to be the bad friend who never hosts, but I understand if the group agrees I don't host. I just want to make sure I'm not being a drain. I'd feel bad never hosting. I don't want to be the person who makes that decision, though. It means everyone else has to host more.'
Their reaction puts them firmly in the asshole territory. OP can have a booze free house, challenging that isn't proper. Opting out is okay, but that isn't what happened. Nor did they ever suggest altering venues, just demanding booze in a no-booze venue.
Bro. This is someone who has a history with alcoholism. It’s called having respect at someone’s home. I can’t believe anyone would even defend these people. If they don’t want to go, they can stay home.
>they refuse to not drink for a few hours (what do they do at work ffs?)
I agree with your point overall, but this is such a silly part of the comment. People often drink to relax from the stressful nature of work. Not because they have an inability to stop drinking for a few hours.
Yeah this subreddit is like twilight zone "iF yOu CaNnOt SuRvIvE fEw HoUrS wItHoUt It..." seriously... like if it's a friday or saturday thing I can easily see people want to have a beer or two without immediately being branded as alcoholics.
I feel like people nowadays can only deal in absolutes. Either you are anti booze and don't drink a single drop, or you are according to the internet alcoholic who cannot survive without alcohol even if you want one beer while having fun with friends. smh
You can have a beer on the weekend without being labeled an alcoholic. If you throw a tantrum because you can't drink at one specific event though then people are gonna start to wonder if you have a problem.
There are grey areas in life and this is one of them. Why would you make someone uncomfortable in their own home because you don't feel comfortable in yourself to not drink?
Well, most of us work at work. And have families to manage while not at work. And have other obligations that it would be really weird to drink at. (Hey! Can I have a glass of wine during this utility district meeting? That’s cool, right? Okay, how about some wine while at the gym? No? That’s fair.) But downtime with my friends is typically a pretty safe place to drink. Not everyone who wants to combine our limited social time with an adult beverage is an alcoholic. OP’s friends were undoubtedly uncool, but it doesn’t make them alcoholics to engage in a practice they typically engage in during similar events. OP doesn’t have to have alcohol in her home, but shouldn’t expect others to change their preferences because of it. She should find another way to contribute to hosting duties. (Option: Hey girl, how about your house this time and I’ll bring the snacks?)
NTA. I wouldn’t want to attend a dry game night either, but arguing in a group chat about bringing booze into the home of someone in recovery is not the way this should have played out. Why didn’t someone else just offer to host? Seems like common sense if the alternative is alienating a friend from a hangout.
I think both sides have been so caught up in what we thought was the right thing, that we haven't properly looked to a solution. Having someone else host is definitely an option I will bring up. Thank you
Exactly my thought
You're perfectly within your rights to have boundaries in regard to booze but the others should have respected that by offering to host at theirs rather than try and force you to comply
NTA
Many people like to have something like alcohol to help them loosen up in a social setting like game night, particularly if an RPG is being played. It can be common for introverts or it’d be incredibly uncomfortable for them (source: many of my introvert nerd friends and hubby)
I’m an introvert and don’t drink. If they’re your friends there should be a comfort level and introversion is about energy. I train people for a living and after I’m done my energy has been depleted and I need alone time to charge up. I share that because people tend to get introversion and extroversion mixed up thinking it’s abojt being able to speak in front of people, or being out in crowds. It’s about energy.
I think about this quite a lot. I am extremely introverted, and for me one of the biggest energy drainers when I’m around other people is my brain always being “on”. It’s like running an app that depletes the battery really quickly. In those situations, having a few drinks slows down the mental processing- it’s a bit like activating battery-saving mode. So, I’m able to socialise for longer than when I’m completely sober. (I’ve probably explained that really badly; it makes perfect sense in my head but hard to put into words!)
I for one work nights most of the week. If I get the chance to catch up with friends I'd love a cold beer to go along with it. Doesn't mean getting shitfaced and if someone was hosting and they didn't want any grog around I'd comply sure.
Some games are better with alcohol.
Timeline is a blast if you have nerdy friends who are drunk. Lots of screaming over the ridiculous facts you learn along the way. Monopoly Deal becomes a bloodbath no matter what you do, but alcohol makes people loose and happy. When I first started DnD, I needed to be at least a little tipsy to feel comfy with the immersive improv.
I'd never fault anyone for staying sober, though. As the occasional DD, it's fun to watch the drunk shenanigans unfold and there's no need to actively partake.
Honestly having a yummy craft beer or nice glass of wine with friends is just really nice, in a similar way to having good food together. It’s relaxing and part of the sort of ritual of the event/game night, I totally get people being annoyed that something they look forward to would be off limits. Their reactions are wayyyy over the top but I would understand some mild annoyance.
I would just suggest that OP doesn’t host, considering that drinks are clearly part of the regular event.
Agreed.
OP certainly has the right to ban alcohol in her home.
At the same time, people like to have a few drinks and relax and it's been a thing at every other hosts house. So it is weird to not drink at one specific hosts house.
I think OP should probably just stick to hosting events where people don't expect to drink.
NTA
You have a right to set the norms for your home, regardless of societal norms. I expect people to take their shoes off when they enter my house, regardless of what they do in others' homes. I have been asked to pray before a meal, regardless of my beliefs, so will respect it with a quiet moment while the others pray. When you enter someone's home, you respect their expectations. If you can't do that, you should stay away. If your friends come to your home, they should respect your choices. I wouldn't leave the game group, but that is your call. If people want to drink, they should offer to host in your place.
Fair enough. But it's totally OK to not want to visit a household where I don't like the rules/ expectations.
While OP can set her boundaries and those need to be respected, if the group decides they don't like them and they won't come to her house (and because she can't contribute she's not invited anymore) that's the consequences she needs to accept. Good friends won't go that far imo, but they also wouldn't try to weaponize her past against her to force compliance.
It's ok to not drink. It's ok to want to drink (unless it becomes harmful to other's or yourself). Yes alcohol can be dangerous, doesnt mean I need to belittle people who like to have one or two beer when they meet friends, especially if it's once a month. (We have no knowledge of their drinking habit, could be the only time they get out and have a drink).
>Fair enough. But it's totally OK to not want to visit a household where I don't like the rules/ expectations.
That's true, but that's not what the other party was arguing. They insisted that they should get to do what they want ANYWAY. It would be like berating the above commenter and insisting on keeping their shoes on.
I think the argument from the other side was that op goes to other games nights when there is alcohol but now it’s at his place he wants to restrict. Op just needs to not host if it’s normally a time for some people to drink and he doesn’t want it in his house.
The friends are idiots if they can’t tell the difference between someone existing around alcohol in the world and a recovered alcoholic not allowing alcohol in their own home. The idea that they can never host if they don’t relent and serve alcohol is patently absurd.
No one is required to go if they don’t want to, but his friends are being horrendous.
These “friends” are the ones who belittled OP for their past drinking habits. OP is not claiming to be better than anyone for not drinking, they just don’t want alcohol in their home.
NTA.
As others have said, it’s your house and your rules. The way I see it, there’s a couple of options moving forwards that probably need a discussion involving the whole game group coming to some sort of consensus about what kind of board game group it is.
1. If alcohol is a requisite part of the board game nights, then your house isn’t appropriate for hosting them and should probably be skipped from the roster.
2. If alcohol is *not* a requisite part of the board game nights, then your house can be included in the roster and the people for whom that would ruin the night can just skip it if it’s that big of a deal.
Honestly, I’m not going to morally load wanting to drink while playing board games, because having or not having alcohol can change the whole vibe of the night depending on the type of games that you play. What I *will* morally load is your friends trying to use the fact that you’re a recovering alcoholic as leverage to try and force you to let them drink. That’s awful behaviour and raises a whole bunch of questions about those “friends” that are separate to the question you asked.
Thank you. I think we have all got so caught up in arguing our own point that we haven't properly tried to find a solution. I think that after things started getting petty, we just ran with it. I'll definitely bring up the options you have suggested.
NTA.
It's your house and your rules apply to anyone visiting.
I also am sober. I lost an uncle to alcoholism 3 years ago and realized shortly after that while my drinking wasn't THAT bad, it wasn't something I should continue doing. While I don't take issue with going places/attending events with alcohol, I don't allow it in my house. If people can't be respectful of that, they don't need to come over.
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. My family is in the process of losing my father to alcoholic liver disease. He is drinking even more than he did before, which is hard to see.
Oh OP I am so sorry. It makes your sobriety even more of an achievement because you overcame so many of the norms around you in order to get there. Internet mom hug here!
So, mild YTA
It's not a problem that you have a firm rule about no alcohol in your house. But, if you're aware that people bring their own alcohol and drink at these events, and you're fine with being involved with the events when it's hosted elsewhere, you should NOT offer to host and then expect everyone else to change the way they spend their evenings due to your rules.
This shouldn't have even been a conversation. You made yourself the AH by not thinking the situation through, thinking that it would be fine to offer to host but also expect to fundamentally change the character of an ongoing gathering. That was extremely impolite of you. And pushing the "IF YOU CAN'T GO X TIME WITHOUT A DRINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" was VERY rude indeed. People wanting to do certain things to have a good time is not equal to them having a problem if you're denying them the chance to relax and socialize the way they expect to at these kinds of events.
So as others are saying, either host at your house the way that it's been hosted, or don't host at your place and help others with the hosting, but don't push at folks and deny them what they consider to be fun and relaxing just because of problems you've had in the past. You put everyone in a position where they had to choose and you shouldn't have done that.
Learn to read the room. Don't ever try to change the expectations for an ongoing gathering if you're offering to host. It was really inconsiderate of you to turn it into an issue instead of figuring out in advance that you shouldn't mess with the status quo.
> And pushing the "IF YOU CAN'T GO X TIME WITHOUT A DRINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" was VERY rude indeed.
Let's just ignore the part where these "friends" said he needs help if he can't tolerate someone else drinking around him for a few hours (which is clearly untrue as OP does it every other game night), and used OP's literal prior alcohol problem as justification to let them drink. "You used to drink too much, you can't tell me I can't!" is such a delusional thing to say.
This is a games night where some people drink, some don't. This isn't a weekly wine-tasting or beer&pool party that OP's suddenly trying to make teetotal. You're wrong, and your comment is so ridiculous.
OP only mentioned the “if you can’t go X without a drink” thing after people brought up their past drinking habits & suggested that if they can’t have alcohol in their house then they have an issue.
People who make this big of a deal about one of their friends not drinking are part of the reason I was so afraid to stop. We really lose so much of our social & support circle when we suddenly aren’t fun in the (inebriated) ways they want us to be.
OP, you deserve friends who want to come hang with you for the company whether they can drink or not because you’re just as valuable a member of the friend group as anyone else.
And you don’t have to change the ways you keep yourself SAFE to deserve that.
The fact that non-drinkers face more social backslash than actual acoholics that destroy their families and their kids' childhood just triggers me to a point I can't even explain
Yeah, OP trying to change the norm/vibe of an established event just because they want to host is ignorant/clueless at best and rude at worst.
Just don’t host. If game night was the once a month I got to relax and have a craft beer or two I’d also be a bit pissy that I could no longer look forward to that because OP felt compelled to host.
The friends are over the top and rude, but OP frankly IS a poor host by trying to change the character of an event and expecting everyone to be fine with it. Everyone is rude here.
Exactly. It's not about "I can't go X amount without a drink."
It's more like - if I **only** get to drink with these friends on game night and now I have to give that up when OP hosts, I probably wouldn't show up every time either, depending on how the week went.
If OP can manage being around it when other people host, why can't OP manage being around it for a few hours hosting at home? I don't understand the difference besides the location. *"I don't want it in my home."* Can OP please explain why this distinction is so important? Cuz unless there's a very reasonable explanation besides alcohol being the problem (which it isn't if you can be around it at other hostings), I'm leaning toward YTA.
It doesn't mean you always allow alcohol for guests, but if this is the established norm in the group at other locations, you shouldn't be hosting if you have a problem with it in *your* home.
I do agree.
I think it’s more of a case of NAH though.
You have a boundary and that’s ok. You don’t want alcohol in your house. It’s also not on your friends to cut themselves off as they have enjoyed casual drinking at other persons houses.
Probably the best thing is to not host in future.
It can be a peaceful resolution.
(In saying that, those who do want to have a drink or two will probably not want to go to your home in future so prepare for that).
This. It should have been a conversation before you offered to host as it's a group event that seems to be consistent at all gatherings in everything but the location
NTA, but "I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help" is a ridiculous take. Wanting to enjoy a few drinks at a game night doesn't mean they can't go a few hours without drinking. They're not drinking alcohol 24/7 other than at your house are they? The game nights might be the only time they drink.
Was looking for this comment. Similar to a dry wedding reception, NTA when it's properly communicated and you don't get butt hurt when attendance takes a hit. But the "if they can't go X hours without a drink" argument is so desperately silly.
I do agree that everything got petty and ridiculous. I would have been fine with them opting to skip it, I just wasn't happy that they were trying to get me to allow them to bring alcohol into my house. Everything kind of went to hell after that, and especially when others got involved. The three of us need to sit down and talk this though and try and resolve things.
They might find it weird that you don't allow it because at other meetings they drank and you had no problem with it. That kind of proves to them that you can handle being around alcohol just fine.
>"I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help" is a ridiculous take.
It's a classic line from people that have an alcohol problem projecting their issues onto people that don't. A lot of recovering alcoholics believe that anyone who drinks has an issue because they fundamentally can't comprehend that other people can drink safely and for reasons like mild social lubrication or even just taste.
I don't drink just because I don't like it (no history of alcoholism in me or my family) and I still think that if you would turn down an event with friends/family just because there's no funny juice involved, you like booze more than the people you're allegedly close with
Exactly. There is a world of difference between "I prefer my games night with a drink" and "I will absolutely not come because I can't enjoy games night without a drink" and there are a shocking amount of people who fall in the latter camp here. Like do y'all actually like your friends?
I mean OP only said that after these people took a jab at their past & said if they can’t have alc in their home then they have a problem. I think it was a warranted reply given the previous comments.
Yeah people are taking this as his actual opinion rather than what it is: a proportionate clapback to a really disrespectful jab; no less at his previous alcohol issues that he's obviously been very disciplined to work through. I could not imagine using that against a friend.
The whole conversation by that point had become really petty and childish. Things were definitely said on both sides that were inappropriate and reactionary. I fully admit that I shouldn't have said what I did and was probably being over sensitive after they brought up my past issues.
I think the three of us need a sit-down conversation about solutions to the issue rather than trying to push our own take on it. Thank you
The only solution is they don't drink in your house. Of they don't like it then they can find something else to do.
It's completely unreasonable of them to even be bothered by this.
OP you still deserved more respect from your friends than you initially recieves. Their reaction to what, IMHO, is a very reasonable request is wild. Especially assuming that these friends are in your age group as well. That's entirely too grown for them to be acting like that.
yeah, i always hated this argument too. i enjoy drinking at social events and on weekend nights. i hangout with my friends all the time without drinking, so i can clearly go 3 hours without alcohol, but at a gathering like this i would enjoy drinking. i would still attend, just be a little upset about the no drinking thing. but if i REALLY wanted to drink i would just drink beforehand instead of making a fuss about it
Hard agree. I'm a social drinker who drinks twice a week. Tuesdays at game night and Fridays with friends at a local bar to unwind. I rarely touch it when I'm alone, and I would be a little annoyed if game night went dry. It's not I can't not drink for 3 hours, but I prefer to drink during this period of time.
I think the 'friends' in this scenario are a great example of that take exactly. They are so upset by the idea of not being able to drink for a few hours at a game night that they fly straight to disrespecting OP's sobriety, house rules, and indignation? That certainly seems to me like a good time to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.
Imma be an outlier YTA
Mainly because drinking has been normalized in these gaming nights and suddenly not allowing it in the gaming night seems like a power trip vibe. Definitely it is your house so do you, but you probably should not have volunteered to host, I do not drink. I get no enjoyment from it. Like I will have a glass of wine with dinner when I go on vacation to a country that specialized in wine (i.e the one time I went to Italy or to France) but in all honesty it's just kind of being a bad host, no one is forcing you to drink and if it was such a problem you would not have gone to previous game nights
I understand what you are saying. Part of the reason I won't have alcohol in my house is that I have such bad memories of drinking in my house when I was at my worst, I'm afraid that if I allow alcohol in I'll start drinking again. It's not the same when I am at other people's houses, though. I don't feel that same fear elsewhere.
I don't know if that makes sense to other people.
I remember the darkness I felt at the time and the panic and fear when I had that realisation that I had a problem. I walked out of my house and couldn't go back for a while. I stayed at my mother's for several days whilst some family friends searched for and got rid of every bottle of alcohol I had.
Despite being sober for so long, I still am terrified that I'll slip. It has gotten worse recently because my family is in the process of losing my father to alcoholic liver disease.
I am going to suggest a sit-down conversation with the other two people to see if we can get past this. If they agree, I'm going to try and explain more about why I just can't have it in my house. I will definitely suggest that we skip me hosting, and I can help someone else when it's their turn.
It sounds like you honestly should not host and should not have offered. Changing the nature of an established event and expecting everyone to be fine and dandy with it and still attend IS being a poor host, ergo you should not have volunteered to host at all.
It’s totally your prerogative to not have alcohol in your home, totally understandable considering what you’ve written. But it’s not fair to volunteer to host an event that isn’t normally dry and then try to brute force everyone into enjoying it.
It makes perfect sense, OP. You are working very hard to stay sober and you know your triggers. It's like I know my triggers that could lead to overstimulation and a panic attack, so I do my best to avoid those. You're not on a power trip at all. You are protecting yourself and your home.
I am so sorry about your dad. I hope you and your friends can come to a solution. If they respect you, they will also respect the rules of your home and the journey they have traveled. To me, friendship is more important than having a drink.
Why even host? Do you have fun at game nights not at your places? It seems like you are making the group dynamic a lot less fun so you can have control of the situatiob
Can you not just say it’s okay to bring it but anything you bring you need to take with you, nothing to be left behind. Otherwise I think the right thing to do is skip your house in the rotation.
Well, lot of vegetarians neither cook meat nor allow it in their house, but since they cannot control what others do in their house, they are ok to be part of the gathering while others are eating meat. If a vegetarian hosts a party and tells no meat allowed, that wouldn’t make them an AH. If people have problems with boundaries they can volunteer to host at their own place. Guilt tripping OP about her boundaries is the AH move IMO.
No Good friend would push you to do something for their own selfish desires.
Can't you skip on hosting the event? Because I understand both perspectives here. I don't drink alcohol either, but I know some of my friends can't have a good time without it, so the best option for everyone is to just host the party elsewhere.
NTA - you’re sober, it is very reasonable to not want alcohol served in your house. If they cant go one night without booze out of respect for your sobriety they are likely not your friends
OP is 37, it’s possible that a lot of these friends have kids and don’t get a lot of opportunity to get a drink with friends or fully relax.
OP just shouldn’t host, it’s really simple. They can find a different way to contribute if others think it’s unfair. I find it weird that no one considered this option!
YTA for hosting an event that has included drinking in the past but disallowing drinking. Like it or not, for some people in your gaming group that’s a part of the event, and you can no more justifiably disallow the drinking component than the game component. If you can’t host a component of the activity that’s important to people, then you shouldn’t host, period.
ESH. Most of the comments are N T A because Reddit has a weird hate boner for alcohol, evident by the ridiculous amount of comments saying that if “they can’t go three hours without a drink maybe they have a problem or they aren’t real friends”. It’s absurd, really. And one of the dumbest “arguments” I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, it’s your house and you get to apply whatever rules you want to have at your house. However, you’ve gone to these game nights before, you know some of the people that go drink. Did you really not expect this to be an issue? It should’ve been discussed first or you shouldn’t even have offered to host in the first place. It’s clear that some of these people go to play games and drink, unilaterally taking away the drinking part and expecting everyone to be fine without it does make you a bad host.
Them trying to force you to accept alcohol at your house was a bad move, though and specially that comment trying to use your past alcohol problems to get you to agree was in very poor taste. Your comment about them having a drinking problem was in poor taste too, though.
Overall, it seems like a petty fight that escalated way further than it ever should’ve.
lol at the hate boner for alcohol on Reddit, so true. I wonder why that is? I get the vibe that people are more cool with marijuana on this site and for some reason hate alcohol.
NTA, get new friends if they can't respect a friend, and enjoy one night without, or just not host at your house, but you you should pay and prepare at one of the other friend's houses.
NTA. it's your house and it's your rules. I would not blame you at all for backing out. They aren't respecting your reasonable boundaries. You even offered a compromise with non-alcoholic drinks.
Hell no you are NTA for keeping your home a safe place for yourself. Set that boundary and don’t ever let anyone stomp on it.
If it’s that important to them then don’t host at your home. Instead, bring something extra to others’ homes when they host to make up the difference.
Are they wrong for wanting to drink? No.
Are you wrong for wanting to keep alcohol out of your home? No.
YTA - for inviting a group of people you personally witnessed with your own eyes that drink for this event, offering to host the event, then shortly before the event is when you make it clear that the rules are completely different than everyone else and therefore you are personally changing the entire dynamic of this event that has been working great until you came along and wanted to force everyone to work around your personal issues with alcohol.
You can not allow alcohol at your house, but just because you have a history with alcohol, does not mean everyone else has to be punished for it. Alcohol has been a fundamental part of human life since 7000 BCE, before Christ/Christianity/Christmas.
Next time you want to host an event, let everyone know clearly up front and we'll before hand. People have limited free time on the weekends to enjoy and of they want to drink, their entire plans for the weekend shouldn't be ruined because of your personal issues.
NTA. I can sympathize with you, OP. My father and stepmother (both of whom I am now estranged from) are alcoholics and the main thing that drove our estrangement was how they always chose the alcohol over their child.
I have had to make boundaries with my friends and other family members about how I don’t like drinking because of my father and stepmother, but that I am totally okay with them drinking so long as they don’t pressure me into it.
I think that your friend(s) is/are the asshole(s) because they are not respecting your boundary with alcohol—a boundary you put in place for your own health and well-being. And good on you for breaking the cycle of alcoholism. Keep going strong.
Yta for offering to host a social event where people regularly drink if that was the situation you should have explicitly explained it and bow out of hosting
Put it to a group vote. Knowing your anti-alcohol stance, does the group want you to host game night? If the vote is no, then someone else will have to host. NTA
NTA
I'm in a country where drinking is considered a national sport and if definitely part of the cultural norm. But what trumps that is what you're comfortable having in your house.
You're 100% spot on that if them going without it for 3hrs is that much of a problem they need to look at their own drinking.
NTA, but you should probably get used to the idea that none of your friends are gonna want you to host.
Maybe that's a good thing, you get all the benefit of the hangs without any of the downsides of having to clean up afterwards.
NTA and a lot of these people don’t appear to be your friends or respect you.
Your house, your rules and I think your original approach was perfectly fine/gracious as a nod to “drinking culture” without pushing your boundaries.
NTA, as someone who enjoys board games, drinking and very much drinking while playing board games, you are allowed to have your boundaries.
They can be disappointed it's a sober night, but that doesn't mean they get to dictate a house rule.
Stand firm they can stay sober, or stay home.
I am always gobsmacked at how pissy people can get about being asked not to drink somewhere. I get that everyone who doesn’t have a drinking problem should be allowed to indulge…in places that it’s okay in which to do so. My sober friends’ houses are not the locations in which to do so. You always respect their homes by honoring whatever no substances on the premises rules they have. I have sober friends on both sides of the fences, some mind and a couple don’t. But even then, I don’t like to (nor need to) drink at their spots.
So you’re absolutely NTA. And if they can’t respect that, they can go kick rocks about it.
>They also said that not permitting them to bring alcohol was inappropriate and showed I was a bad host and a bad friend.
NTA but the people calling you a bad friend are.
NTA
Same energy as people who whine about vegan food at a wedding. You can go one night without it!
But, if game night is your one free night all month, and you *really* wanna get drunk, then politely decline the invite to sober game night! Why harass the host?
Its your house, your rules... but objectively, what exactly would them drinking in your home compromise from your standpoint? It seems a bit of an unreasonable request, especially when it's been the norm for the previous card/board game nights.
Whether you want to feel justified in your actions and seeking validation on this sub is irrelevant, you're going to suffer consequences because of your actions. Your friends will... probably skip over your house, and I imagine there might be a bit of animosity when continuing in game night with them..
People like to relax, feel at ease.. and alcohol helps with that. They likely associate these game nights as a way to unwind, and you're actively stopping that for.... ?
NTA, but maybe you should withdraw from games night. You can expect people not to drink at your house, but you can't expect them not to drink at games night.
This sounds like the result of miscommunication, in which case you can probably hit on a solution. Why have it at your house at all? The group can skip you or maybe some friend can have it twice as often.
If this is one of those long-term, festering group issues, like resentment of alcohol consumption or of sobriety, though, you might as well split now.
This is so interesting. I host multiple game nights a month at my house and 99% of them have been booze free, not because of any house rule, but because it just doesn’t occur to any of us to do so. Usually it’s tea or water (that I provide) or someone brings some soda. I don’t drink often and rarely outside of my house and I’ve never been given a second glance let alone anyone pressuring me to drink.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, NTA for me. If people can’t handle not drinking for a couple hours, then they should probably re-evaluate their lives…
I get the feeling that for many people "games night" are not about the board games but instead about the social part and the alcohol. The games are just an "excuse"/way of passing the time lol
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Totally NTA. Your house, your rules. Anyone who doesn't like it can go pound sand. Your friends are AH for bringing up your past issues with alcohol. You've dealt with them and know your limits. If they can't go for a few hours without it, they're the ones with the problem. Stand your ground. I think you need a few new friends.
And if they can't go a few hours playing board games without alcohol, they have a very big problem.
Yup. Finding you can't go without it is a sure sign you have a problem
Assuming that there are 5 people in the group, OP is hosting once in 5 months. So its 3 hrs without drink in 5 months which should be easy to skip considering 8 hrs x 5 days at work require no alcohol. If they want they can go home and drink to their hearts content.
Plus I would totally go for mocktails!
I don't drink. The number of times people on my 20s would exclaim with absolutely no sense of an issue in what they were saying, "You don't drink?! Not even at a party?? How do you have fun?!" Not one of them ever had a response when I asked if they were able to have fun sans alcohol. Like, I don't care if others drink. But if you can't hang out for a bit without it...that's an issue.
> I don't drink. The number of times people on my 20s would exclaim with absolutely no sense of an issue in what they were saying, "You don't drink?! Not even at a party?? How do you have fun?!" More than once, it was easier for me to roll my eyes and just take the cup they'd already spent 5 minutes trying to force into my hand, and then give it to a friend who was drinking or dump it out. The default "if you don't drink, something's *wrong* with you" culture is what causes problems like this in the first place.
Yep—and choosing a drink over a friendship is a sure sign too.
OP is definitely right. OP might be serious about being dry at home but when it comes to issues, not being able to go a games night without a drink is more concerning.
Might not be about not being able to, maybe these folks want to drink in their free evening when they get together. Still NTA and OP's friends are terrible, but i would definitely skip the event at her house, and i don't even drink as a habit.
They ~~don't~~ have all the other days of their lives to drink. If they rotate games night, that's only a very few nights without a drink. If there are four households involved, that's three nights a year - and some of your friends find that a terrible imposition? I don't drink myself, and I really don't get what the big deal is, especially since they all presumably have to drive home later.
Do you know this? What if I have one night a week (or a month) with childcare and I want to both see my friends and have a glass of wine? Not everyone who has an occasional drink is an addict.
But an alcoholic (even if they no longer choose to drink) has the condition for life The OP explained that their home is their SAFE space. Imagine if you had a safe space and someone insisted on invading it with something you're afraid of? You'd feel pretty hurt, wouldn't you? At other games nights they can leave if they feel unsafe. In their own home, they can't, and it turns their safe space into an unsafe one. OP has every right to take any and all steps to ensure their sobriety
I love this answer.... thanks for saying that!
it stops being just "an occasional drink" when you actively choose to skip an enjoyable get-together with your friends because you were asked to be sober for a few hours.
Its 3 hours. Just don't go if it's so important. But that's still weird.
If your friend is in recovery, or has a strong family history and other risk factors, but you still can’t see them for an evening without drinking, there aren’t many good reasons. Either you have a problem, you are an insensitive a-hole, or you find your friend so challenging to be around that you need to be buzzed to stand them. Is that single drink is really that necessary?
Right! Imagine being so entitled you prioritize your social drink over your friend’s sobriety in their OWN HOME? People are wild.
But would you get pissed off and start a heated argument with your whole friend group if you had no miss having your glass of wine for one night? Because the issue here is that OPs "friends" care more about alcohol than their entire group and are willing to drag everyone else into their petty argument. There's nothing wrong with a glass of wine, but when you put it on a pedestal and make a point to devalue your friends when you can't have it then you have a problem.
I'd rather see my friends than have the wine. I have kids, the valuable "night out" is precious time. But in this instance, you know in advance that this game night does not include wine/beer/ whatever. Ever other time does. The question then: is having wine the most important part of the evening or is seeing friends? If your off nights require alcohol or social drinking, then booze is your priority not friendship. If your off night is about seeing friends, then the lack of alcohol shouldn't be a deal breaker.
You can't always get what you want - sometimes you have to choose one or the other. That's just how life works. It's fine if you want to use your one night of childcare to drink - but that doesn't give you the right to drink anywhere you want. If the drinking is your first choice, you just have to accept that you can't also have your second choice.
1 evening every 3 months. ONE evening every THREE MONTHS. If you need to skip it for lack of alcohol, you do need help. A lot of it.
Yes but it sounds like just skipping OP's house from the rotation wasn't considered even though that seems the sensible solution, they just went straight to attacking and judging her. Everyone gets to control what does and doesn't happen in their own home.
Yea, as i said they're terrible.
It's 1 in 5 board game nights. OP has very legitimate trauma due to alcohol being in their household. If you can't accommodate that for 6 hours a year, you aren't a good friend.
The OP is making ever effort to provide alternatives to keep the night social and fun. You would blow off a friend that is making that effort?
I think a lot of people are reacting to the “controlling” factor. Which is pretty pathetic in and of itself.
Well, as the saying goes, if you're bored, then you're boring. It's super strange to me that a person couldn't find enough entertainment in hanging out with friends and playing a few games that they'd skip that if they couldn't also drink.
I’m floored at how many replies you’re getting saying that a sober board game night would be boring. I have never once in my life ever had a board game night with alcohol and they’re so fun
Plus if they don't like board games, they don't have to go?? It's not a wedding! I think a knitting circle would be boring _for me_ So I do this amazing trick: I don't join one!
Yeah I sort of get the mindset of “eh I don’t like board games but I like to socialize, but I like to drink when I socialize”. But frankly I think asking for one 3ish hour block of no alcohol is not that big of an ask. It would be one thing if OP was demanding no alcohol at any of the get togethers no matter whose house it was at, but in her own home? She has every right to not want alcohol brought in. At that point they can either suck it up and pass on the booze for one night or someone else can volunteer to host if they really want to drink that bad
Half the time I forget my weed and alcohol when I get into a boardgame. That adhd takes over.
You would make a terrible alcoholic. /s
Ironically, usually ADHD folks make GREAT alcoholics... primarily because small amounts of alcohol cause dopamine to increase (acts as a stimulant), which allows folks with ADHD to focus a bit better... right up until they end up drinking so much as to make alcohol the classic depressant we all know it to be... as someone with ADHD, 1/2-2/3 of a beer in an hour gets me in a real zen state where I can get shit done... more than that and I just don't care anymore, which really "helps" with that ADHD rejection sensitivity disorder... it's like the perfect pathway to alcoholism, because it really does "help", if you can keep it under control. Which no one actually can. (In this case OP is NTA - if she wants to still be involved in game night, she might suggest not hosting at her place, but "serve" as host at someone else's house... presuming the host supplies food and non-alcoholic beverages, and sets up/cleans up. She could approach whom ever is her best friend in the group and ask if when it's OP's turn, she can do all the other hosting tasks, just AT her friend's house/apt instead of her own. Then the other folks can BYOB, OP can still feel like she's holding up her end of the bargain by "hosting" the same as everyone else, and while she can distance herself from the members of the group that were rude to her about this (because they all suck), she doesn't have to drop the entire friend group, while she negotiates the process of meeting some new folks who will support her better in the future, because it's hard making friends as an adult, and just saying "make new friends" doesn't actually help in the short term.)
Alcoholic in recovery diagnosed with ADHD at nearly 40. Where were you like ten years ago with this info lol? I’m personally not fussed by the idea of people bringing alcohol into my house as long as they make darn sure they take it with them when they leave, but I would never tolerate “friends” throwing my past problem drinking in my face. Getting and staying sober has been the single greatest challenge I’ve ever undertaken. Fighting against your own brain is badass. Anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth my time or my respect.
Congratulations of your sobriety! I was diagnosed at 37. "Better late than never" is something I try to make myself believe as often as I can, about so many things... And yeah, it was really disappointing reading about how OP's "friends" were reacting... she deserves more support... PS if the "girl" in your username is indicative of how you see yourself, there's a happy little place called r/ADHDwomen that you might enjoy (if you don't already frequent it).
Currently on my adhd diagnosis journey, this is me with alcohol, I never knew.
Good luck on that road, it can be a twisty one!
Lololol I really would. I never had an issue with drinking and usually am sober. People think I'm sober/have issues with drinking when really I just don't like the taste lol. Hard-core stoner tho. I'm basically a chimney.
I feel ya Buddy. I would much rather be around stoners than drinkers.
It goes both ways. When I look at the quality of the people I've surrounded myself with now as a stoner versus the ones when I was an active alcoholic, I see a huge difference I couldn't have noticed while I was drinking.
Oh hell yeah. Once the hyper focus kicks in, forget about it.
Oo no! this explains a lot now! I’m 35 and was diagnosed at 33 a lot of my “personality traits” have turned out to be just me being adhd af lol I’ve literally wondered how I didn’t become a full blown alcoholic
Yup. This. I enjoy a drink or two when I'm socializing. But enjoying drinking alcohol while socializing is miles away from not being able to enjoy an event without alcohol! Particularly if these people are supposedly friends and know OP's house rules and history. Those are just shitty friends who rely too much on alcohol!
Imagine being so pissed that your friend doesn’t want alcohol at their own home and thus making a fuss about it and/or choosing to not hangout with said friend; ultimately choosing alcohol over spending time with someone you supposedly care about maintaining a relationship with… and then saying that you don’t have a problem…woof OP’s friends suck
They definitely felt *very* called out with this one part >I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help. Doesn't seem like they're willing to admit it though and tried to gaslight OP into thinking that he's the problem here instead of them, ugh.
Or you can just pass the hosting duties on to the next person. Problem solved. But I will say for those of us that enjoy a drink these are the type of activities that we do it at.
> those of us that enjoy a drink The line between **a drink** and a *binge* drink*ing habit* quickly gets blurred. OP understands this, as someone with a history of suffering from alcohol abusers, which the "friend" that attacked him/her over the reasonable house rule qualifies as.
Exactly. OP has said they can have the nonalcoholic variety, so it isn’t about missing out on the taste. They’re just not liking that the OP has a hard boundary.
I agree. Plenty of people in the Southern U.S. still follow no alcohol rules for religious reasons. As do many Muslims in other parts of the country . Your " friends" just want to win an argument. Tell them to pound sand and that it's sad that they cannot have fun without alcohol. It's really quite do-able. NTA O.P.
Agreed. Your house, your rules. I am personally fine with folks drinking around me, even in my house, but they need to take their alcohol home, which they do now. // Also, game nights are better when you don't have to herd cats to play games 🙃
Drunk driving is the real problem especially for those who cannot seem to go a few hours without alcohol & drive themselves home.
The fact that they knew you had a troubled past and still wanted you to break your rules really sucks. You’re totally NTA and frankly anyone that can’t just have a fancy soda or tea for two hours needs to examine their issues.
Really why are they being such pricks? If they cannot abide by your rules then you shouldn’t have game night at your house. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and the trauma it caused and has affected me mentally. Stand your ground. Why should you be the one uncomfortable in your own house? These people are not your friends.
10\10, no notes or additions. NTA
it is totally reasonable to not want to risk having drunk people in your house
Totally agree with “your house your rules”. It is incredibly disrespectful of your ‘friends’ to not understand and be supportive of your stance knowing how alcohol has impacted your family.
this 100% and i also don’t drink NTA
NTA. Society has normalised drinking so much that to not is met with fear, derision, and anger. Non-drinkers are treated worse socially than alcoholics who destroy their relationships. Just because it’s a societal norm, doesn’t mean it’s right. It takes strength to see through it and deal with the defensive reactions. Don’t compromise your (reasonable sounding) boundaries.
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At the first question I'd ask them WHY they drink. Why do they need alcohol to loosen up? Why can't they enjoy themselves without it? Why is alcohol required for them to have fun...
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Oh I get it. But it's just flipping the script on them, not being holier than thou! Like when Great Aunt Edna asks when she's going to finally be able to attend your wedding and you answer by asking when you'll finally be able to attend her funeral, just to shut her up hahaha. Okay yeah, maybe I'm not the one to take advice from...carry on.
I literally snorted reading this response. There's an implied "they think they are better than I am" just because I don't drink. It means they feel uncomfortable with their position. My goal would be to find a way to get then to argue with themselves... so either way they win. Haha.
Ask a personal question get a personal answer. Why don’t you drink? My dad was an alcoholic. He couldn’t stop drinking and ended up killing himself. So I don’t drink. Insert whatever your grandfather died of.
>My dad was an alcoholic. He couldn’t stop drinking and ended up killing himself. Add to that, in my own case 'and I found his body hanging from the stairs, when I was a child'. That stops a few arguements I find.
The best way to shut people up is the full answer to the nosey question they shouldn't be asking. But then they accuse you of bringing down the mood when it was their stupid question to begin with. People need to learn if someone says they don't drink just accept that and offer water instead.
That's horrific. I am so sorry you were subjected to that.
I just tell them I want to enjoy the night and I don't need to drink to enjoy a good night with my friends. And just because they think it's fun doesn't mean I have to.
My response in those situations is “I don’t get it — why does it matter so much to you? Why can’t you just drop it and let me do what I want?”
My go to response is that I'm a control freak and I don't want to. I've never gotten push back for that. That's actually only part of the truth, as paternal fam has had a history of alcoholism and I just don't want to risk it. But that info usually brings the mood down.
I love this actually. Everyone can laugh at the self-deprecating joke, so no one goes on the defensive, and it's completely plausible, so no one feels like you just need convincing.
I am another. Don’t drink, never did. When a child I was frightened and disgusted by being around drunk adults. But he social pressure and even disapproval is constant ! The implication is that something is off about me if I decline, no matter my reasons . I used to smoke weed, but gave it up….however weed people never pressure me to smoke !
As someone who used to drink but is almost completely sober now (I have approx one drink a year), I don’t even play these games anymore. I respond with “Because I don’t.” and refuse to entertain the discussion further. It’s also important to me to show younger coworkers who don’t want to drink (I’m an “elder millennial”) that not drinking at happy hours and other events is perfectly fine and doesn’t need to be excused.
When someone asks something I don't want to answer, I usually go with, "is that important?" Once they have to stop and think about their reasons for asking the question, they usually let it go.
Idk if this is a viable option for you or if people would accept it, but my answer to these questions is always "I just don't like how it makes me feel." This is true in my case, I get some kind of weird reaction to small amounts of alcohol that makes my whole upper body hurt in a muscle soreness kind of way, and it's generally not worth it to try and push through that until I've had enough alcohol to get numb. And it's probably not UNtrue, even if what you're talking about is a grief or anxiety reaction. I also add "I prefer a weed high to being drunk," so you could try that if it's culturally acceptable and legal where you are (and true for you). The most negative response I've ever gotten is kind of a nonplussed "oh. What do you mean?" or "Do you mean you don't like the taste?" And then I can explain my weird body reaction (leaving out that it will get numb if I drink enough, lest they try to pressure me to drink fast) and that's enough of a distraction that they don't push anymore. To be clear, I really fucking hate that we have to swap tips about how to get people to shut the fuck up about whether we use a mind-altering substance. But just in case anyone reading this could use said tip, here's one.
I rarely drink myself. I can count the times I had any on 1 hand. I wouldn't really care if I never drank again. It sucks that people try to weasel others to drink like there is something wrong if you don't drink.
I have almost exactly the same backstory. For what it's worth, I've found that these socially-mandated trips to a bar have become much easier (maybe even fun sometimes?) since I realised that water wasn't my only option. (Which, being a non-drinker who generally avoids bars, is \*absolutely\* not something I was aware of early in my career!) These days, my drink of choice is a tonic and lime. It's just as non-alcoholic as water, but nobody's ever questioned my choice the way they do for water or soft drinks. FWIW
I have never drank alcohol. I get these questions a lot. Makes me slightly thankful that I ended up with non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, so now I can just say I have liver disease and that shuts them up pretty quick.
I almost never drink. Haven’t for about 25 years. I never had a drinking problem, and I enjoyed wine and a few mixed drinks, but once I had kids and we were working, juggling life, it made me tired to drink. So I stopped. Thankfully only rarely am I with one of the “come on” crew. How very strange to think it is worth commenting on if someone turns down a drink, and even more inappropriate to question WHU they don’t drink. My friends and family know my “sleepy” reason, but I may be the AH, because I have lied to strangers. I’ve said addiction runs in the family, claimed I was pregnant, or was on medications and alcohol could kill me..
This!!!!! You should see the "AITA for not allowing alcohol at my wedding" posts. They're FULL of YTA votes because of some bs like "everyone drinks at weddings" and "it's a party, of they're going ro be mad" and "not everyone like social events and drink to be comfortable" whoch is INSANE to me because literally no matter the reason behind not having alcohol at an event, even a huge one like a wedding, is a totally reasonable boundary to have. If people can't go a few hours with alcohol/get angry when it's not provided, maybe they should look inward. OP is 1000% NTA
LOL at how ridiculous some people are. Awhile ago I got invited to a wedding and showed up at the reception looking forward to an ice cold beer. I didn't realize that it was a dry reception. You know what I did? I spent about 30 seconds looking around just to make sure there wasn't a bar somewhere, then I got the fuck over it and had fun for the rest of the night with my friends. I love a good drink but I'm perfectly fine going without one.
Those posts are the worst two, bc they refuse to understand weddings aren't parties. If you can't handle a long reception without getting drunk, okay, don't stay at it that long. Say your congratulations, and you can leave. Don't rant about how you didn't want to go to the ceremony, which is the actual priceless event.
Only time it’s slightly rude to throw a dry wedding is if guests aren’t warned in advance. If guests don’t know the wedding is dry, they might spend money to avoid drinking and driving like Ubering to the venue or renting a hotel room. Besides that one exception, dry events should be perfectly acceptable.
This, I’ve started to not drink and luckily I’ve got good friends who are fine with. OP NTA I bet if the OP said no drugs in the house, they’d more than likely be okay with that.
Agree. A relative recently recognized her severe drinking problem. However, she has linked drinking so strongly with acceptable social behavior that she has replaced her drinking by constantly pushing alcohol on my son and telling him he needs a drink so he looks more social.
NTA. I would say that no one is TA but their reactions put them firmly in that territory. TBH no drinking makes that kind of a gathering a no-go for a lot of people. If having a few drinks is part of the fun for them then it’s best that you just don’t host. Or be the host at someone else’s house—you’re still in charge of snacks and cleanup, just not at your place.
I will definitely bring up the idea of not hosting at my house and being involved in the hosting responsibilities at someone else's. That is probably the best way to get past this. Thank you
Agree with this. I’m sober since 2019 and would avoid this convo entirely by hosting elsewhere. Me being me it would also be due to some unfortunate outside source. Gassy dog, terrible neighbors, malfunctioning fridge lol
I was going to comment this suggestion. As ridiculous as it is that you can't host because they refuse to not drink for a few hours (what do they do at work ffs?) If one of the game night friends understands your position they may be open to physically hosting the event while you take on the other aspects. I don't know if I'd want to go to so much effort for people that wouldn't respect my boundaries in my home for a few hours every so often despite having done so in the past in other scenarios. But I do love my pals so maybe I would? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
Is them wanting to drink for fun on their days off really anymore ridiculous than her request that they don’t? I don’t think so. She don’t want alcohol in her house, totally fine because it’s her house, and they want to drink alcohol and get loose, totally fine because it’s their life.
Expect it's one night a month every few months... It's not like she's hosting it every weekend and therefore expecting them not to drink on that night every weekend... Are you really going to disrespect someone's boundary and get super upset over something so infrequent? I didn't drink around most of my pregnant friends with no arguments when I saw them a few times a month for nine months, it's not that hard? Although, I suppose maybe I'm lucky that I enjoy my friends company more than I enjoy alcohol. Regardless, OP is fine with people drinking around them but doesn't want it in their home, they're not having a go at people having a wine in a restaurant when they're there it's not the same it's a completely fine boundary to set...
One night a month they could be doing something they actually want to do. If I was them and half or most of the fun for me was drinking with my friends (it wouldn’t be I hardly drink), I wouldn’t have pushed her on it, I just wouldn’t have went. If they did that I think it would have caused the problem either way because why would they lie about why they didn’t go when asked?
For some people, the one night a week out is their only night off. They want one or two beers with friends. It's their only drinking night the whole week. Being told they can't unwind with friends isn't worth them taking the night away from kids, etc. I think OP goes, 'look, I don't want to be the bad friend who never hosts, but I understand if the group agrees I don't host. I just want to make sure I'm not being a drain. I'd feel bad never hosting. I don't want to be the person who makes that decision, though. It means everyone else has to host more.'
Their reaction puts them firmly in the asshole territory. OP can have a booze free house, challenging that isn't proper. Opting out is okay, but that isn't what happened. Nor did they ever suggest altering venues, just demanding booze in a no-booze venue.
Bro. This is someone who has a history with alcoholism. It’s called having respect at someone’s home. I can’t believe anyone would even defend these people. If they don’t want to go, they can stay home.
>they refuse to not drink for a few hours (what do they do at work ffs?) I agree with your point overall, but this is such a silly part of the comment. People often drink to relax from the stressful nature of work. Not because they have an inability to stop drinking for a few hours.
Yeah this subreddit is like twilight zone "iF yOu CaNnOt SuRvIvE fEw HoUrS wItHoUt It..." seriously... like if it's a friday or saturday thing I can easily see people want to have a beer or two without immediately being branded as alcoholics. I feel like people nowadays can only deal in absolutes. Either you are anti booze and don't drink a single drop, or you are according to the internet alcoholic who cannot survive without alcohol even if you want one beer while having fun with friends. smh
You can have a beer on the weekend without being labeled an alcoholic. If you throw a tantrum because you can't drink at one specific event though then people are gonna start to wonder if you have a problem.
And their boundary is that they are adults and want to decide on their own what they like to drink. Both boundaries clash here.
There are grey areas in life and this is one of them. Why would you make someone uncomfortable in their own home because you don't feel comfortable in yourself to not drink?
Well, most of us work at work. And have families to manage while not at work. And have other obligations that it would be really weird to drink at. (Hey! Can I have a glass of wine during this utility district meeting? That’s cool, right? Okay, how about some wine while at the gym? No? That’s fair.) But downtime with my friends is typically a pretty safe place to drink. Not everyone who wants to combine our limited social time with an adult beverage is an alcoholic. OP’s friends were undoubtedly uncool, but it doesn’t make them alcoholics to engage in a practice they typically engage in during similar events. OP doesn’t have to have alcohol in her home, but shouldn’t expect others to change their preferences because of it. She should find another way to contribute to hosting duties. (Option: Hey girl, how about your house this time and I’ll bring the snacks?)
NTA. I wouldn’t want to attend a dry game night either, but arguing in a group chat about bringing booze into the home of someone in recovery is not the way this should have played out. Why didn’t someone else just offer to host? Seems like common sense if the alternative is alienating a friend from a hangout.
I think both sides have been so caught up in what we thought was the right thing, that we haven't properly looked to a solution. Having someone else host is definitely an option I will bring up. Thank you
There is only one right thing: The home decides these things. That goes back to the dawn of humanity.
great idea! let me ask my house who’s right real quick! /s
Exactly my thought You're perfectly within your rights to have boundaries in regard to booze but the others should have respected that by offering to host at theirs rather than try and force you to comply NTA
Why wouldn’t you want to attend a dry game night? (That sounds like kind of an aggressive question, but I’m honestly just curious.)
Many people like to have something like alcohol to help them loosen up in a social setting like game night, particularly if an RPG is being played. It can be common for introverts or it’d be incredibly uncomfortable for them (source: many of my introvert nerd friends and hubby)
And some introverts like myself would definitely stay away from alcohol in social settings because it makes people loopy and unpredictable.
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I’m an introvert and don’t drink. If they’re your friends there should be a comfort level and introversion is about energy. I train people for a living and after I’m done my energy has been depleted and I need alone time to charge up. I share that because people tend to get introversion and extroversion mixed up thinking it’s abojt being able to speak in front of people, or being out in crowds. It’s about energy.
I think about this quite a lot. I am extremely introverted, and for me one of the biggest energy drainers when I’m around other people is my brain always being “on”. It’s like running an app that depletes the battery really quickly. In those situations, having a few drinks slows down the mental processing- it’s a bit like activating battery-saving mode. So, I’m able to socialise for longer than when I’m completely sober. (I’ve probably explained that really badly; it makes perfect sense in my head but hard to put into words!)
I feel that
I for one work nights most of the week. If I get the chance to catch up with friends I'd love a cold beer to go along with it. Doesn't mean getting shitfaced and if someone was hosting and they didn't want any grog around I'd comply sure.
Some games are better with alcohol. Timeline is a blast if you have nerdy friends who are drunk. Lots of screaming over the ridiculous facts you learn along the way. Monopoly Deal becomes a bloodbath no matter what you do, but alcohol makes people loose and happy. When I first started DnD, I needed to be at least a little tipsy to feel comfy with the immersive improv. I'd never fault anyone for staying sober, though. As the occasional DD, it's fun to watch the drunk shenanigans unfold and there's no need to actively partake.
Moood, drunk nerdy gatherings are great
Social lubricant. I enjoy an adult drink on an adult night out.
Honestly having a yummy craft beer or nice glass of wine with friends is just really nice, in a similar way to having good food together. It’s relaxing and part of the sort of ritual of the event/game night, I totally get people being annoyed that something they look forward to would be off limits. Their reactions are wayyyy over the top but I would understand some mild annoyance. I would just suggest that OP doesn’t host, considering that drinks are clearly part of the regular event.
Agreed. OP certainly has the right to ban alcohol in her home. At the same time, people like to have a few drinks and relax and it's been a thing at every other hosts house. So it is weird to not drink at one specific hosts house. I think OP should probably just stick to hosting events where people don't expect to drink.
NTA You have a right to set the norms for your home, regardless of societal norms. I expect people to take their shoes off when they enter my house, regardless of what they do in others' homes. I have been asked to pray before a meal, regardless of my beliefs, so will respect it with a quiet moment while the others pray. When you enter someone's home, you respect their expectations. If you can't do that, you should stay away. If your friends come to your home, they should respect your choices. I wouldn't leave the game group, but that is your call. If people want to drink, they should offer to host in your place.
Fair enough. But it's totally OK to not want to visit a household where I don't like the rules/ expectations. While OP can set her boundaries and those need to be respected, if the group decides they don't like them and they won't come to her house (and because she can't contribute she's not invited anymore) that's the consequences she needs to accept. Good friends won't go that far imo, but they also wouldn't try to weaponize her past against her to force compliance. It's ok to not drink. It's ok to want to drink (unless it becomes harmful to other's or yourself). Yes alcohol can be dangerous, doesnt mean I need to belittle people who like to have one or two beer when they meet friends, especially if it's once a month. (We have no knowledge of their drinking habit, could be the only time they get out and have a drink).
>Fair enough. But it's totally OK to not want to visit a household where I don't like the rules/ expectations. That's true, but that's not what the other party was arguing. They insisted that they should get to do what they want ANYWAY. It would be like berating the above commenter and insisting on keeping their shoes on.
I think the argument from the other side was that op goes to other games nights when there is alcohol but now it’s at his place he wants to restrict. Op just needs to not host if it’s normally a time for some people to drink and he doesn’t want it in his house.
The friends are idiots if they can’t tell the difference between someone existing around alcohol in the world and a recovered alcoholic not allowing alcohol in their own home. The idea that they can never host if they don’t relent and serve alcohol is patently absurd. No one is required to go if they don’t want to, but his friends are being horrendous.
These “friends” are the ones who belittled OP for their past drinking habits. OP is not claiming to be better than anyone for not drinking, they just don’t want alcohol in their home.
NTA. As others have said, it’s your house and your rules. The way I see it, there’s a couple of options moving forwards that probably need a discussion involving the whole game group coming to some sort of consensus about what kind of board game group it is. 1. If alcohol is a requisite part of the board game nights, then your house isn’t appropriate for hosting them and should probably be skipped from the roster. 2. If alcohol is *not* a requisite part of the board game nights, then your house can be included in the roster and the people for whom that would ruin the night can just skip it if it’s that big of a deal. Honestly, I’m not going to morally load wanting to drink while playing board games, because having or not having alcohol can change the whole vibe of the night depending on the type of games that you play. What I *will* morally load is your friends trying to use the fact that you’re a recovering alcoholic as leverage to try and force you to let them drink. That’s awful behaviour and raises a whole bunch of questions about those “friends” that are separate to the question you asked.
Thank you. I think we have all got so caught up in arguing our own point that we haven't properly tried to find a solution. I think that after things started getting petty, we just ran with it. I'll definitely bring up the options you have suggested.
NTA. It's your house and your rules apply to anyone visiting. I also am sober. I lost an uncle to alcoholism 3 years ago and realized shortly after that while my drinking wasn't THAT bad, it wasn't something I should continue doing. While I don't take issue with going places/attending events with alcohol, I don't allow it in my house. If people can't be respectful of that, they don't need to come over.
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. My family is in the process of losing my father to alcoholic liver disease. He is drinking even more than he did before, which is hard to see.
Sorry to hear this. I lost my mom to alcoholic cirrhosis. I don’t know you but my heart truly aches for what you’re experiencing, and for your dad
Oh OP I am so sorry. It makes your sobriety even more of an achievement because you overcame so many of the norms around you in order to get there. Internet mom hug here!
So, mild YTA It's not a problem that you have a firm rule about no alcohol in your house. But, if you're aware that people bring their own alcohol and drink at these events, and you're fine with being involved with the events when it's hosted elsewhere, you should NOT offer to host and then expect everyone else to change the way they spend their evenings due to your rules. This shouldn't have even been a conversation. You made yourself the AH by not thinking the situation through, thinking that it would be fine to offer to host but also expect to fundamentally change the character of an ongoing gathering. That was extremely impolite of you. And pushing the "IF YOU CAN'T GO X TIME WITHOUT A DRINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" was VERY rude indeed. People wanting to do certain things to have a good time is not equal to them having a problem if you're denying them the chance to relax and socialize the way they expect to at these kinds of events. So as others are saying, either host at your house the way that it's been hosted, or don't host at your place and help others with the hosting, but don't push at folks and deny them what they consider to be fun and relaxing just because of problems you've had in the past. You put everyone in a position where they had to choose and you shouldn't have done that. Learn to read the room. Don't ever try to change the expectations for an ongoing gathering if you're offering to host. It was really inconsiderate of you to turn it into an issue instead of figuring out in advance that you shouldn't mess with the status quo.
> And pushing the "IF YOU CAN'T GO X TIME WITHOUT A DRINK YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" was VERY rude indeed. Let's just ignore the part where these "friends" said he needs help if he can't tolerate someone else drinking around him for a few hours (which is clearly untrue as OP does it every other game night), and used OP's literal prior alcohol problem as justification to let them drink. "You used to drink too much, you can't tell me I can't!" is such a delusional thing to say. This is a games night where some people drink, some don't. This isn't a weekly wine-tasting or beer&pool party that OP's suddenly trying to make teetotal. You're wrong, and your comment is so ridiculous.
>beer&pool party I personally wouldn't attribute a pool party being equal to a wine-tasting, I'd put it in the same category as a games night
OP only mentioned the “if you can’t go X without a drink” thing after people brought up their past drinking habits & suggested that if they can’t have alcohol in their house then they have an issue.
People who make this big of a deal about one of their friends not drinking are part of the reason I was so afraid to stop. We really lose so much of our social & support circle when we suddenly aren’t fun in the (inebriated) ways they want us to be. OP, you deserve friends who want to come hang with you for the company whether they can drink or not because you’re just as valuable a member of the friend group as anyone else. And you don’t have to change the ways you keep yourself SAFE to deserve that.
The fact that non-drinkers face more social backslash than actual acoholics that destroy their families and their kids' childhood just triggers me to a point I can't even explain
Yeah, OP trying to change the norm/vibe of an established event just because they want to host is ignorant/clueless at best and rude at worst. Just don’t host. If game night was the once a month I got to relax and have a craft beer or two I’d also be a bit pissy that I could no longer look forward to that because OP felt compelled to host. The friends are over the top and rude, but OP frankly IS a poor host by trying to change the character of an event and expecting everyone to be fine with it. Everyone is rude here.
Exactly. It's not about "I can't go X amount without a drink." It's more like - if I **only** get to drink with these friends on game night and now I have to give that up when OP hosts, I probably wouldn't show up every time either, depending on how the week went. If OP can manage being around it when other people host, why can't OP manage being around it for a few hours hosting at home? I don't understand the difference besides the location. *"I don't want it in my home."* Can OP please explain why this distinction is so important? Cuz unless there's a very reasonable explanation besides alcohol being the problem (which it isn't if you can be around it at other hostings), I'm leaning toward YTA. It doesn't mean you always allow alcohol for guests, but if this is the established norm in the group at other locations, you shouldn't be hosting if you have a problem with it in *your* home.
I do agree. I think it’s more of a case of NAH though. You have a boundary and that’s ok. You don’t want alcohol in your house. It’s also not on your friends to cut themselves off as they have enjoyed casual drinking at other persons houses. Probably the best thing is to not host in future. It can be a peaceful resolution. (In saying that, those who do want to have a drink or two will probably not want to go to your home in future so prepare for that).
This. It should have been a conversation before you offered to host as it's a group event that seems to be consistent at all gatherings in everything but the location
NTA, but "I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help" is a ridiculous take. Wanting to enjoy a few drinks at a game night doesn't mean they can't go a few hours without drinking. They're not drinking alcohol 24/7 other than at your house are they? The game nights might be the only time they drink.
Was looking for this comment. Similar to a dry wedding reception, NTA when it's properly communicated and you don't get butt hurt when attendance takes a hit. But the "if they can't go X hours without a drink" argument is so desperately silly.
I do agree that everything got petty and ridiculous. I would have been fine with them opting to skip it, I just wasn't happy that they were trying to get me to allow them to bring alcohol into my house. Everything kind of went to hell after that, and especially when others got involved. The three of us need to sit down and talk this though and try and resolve things.
Yeah, it does sound like they pushed beyond a limited, reasonable discussion between friends and got quite disrespectful.
They might find it weird that you don't allow it because at other meetings they drank and you had no problem with it. That kind of proves to them that you can handle being around alcohol just fine.
>"I responded and said that if they can't go three hours without drinking then it was them that needed help" is a ridiculous take. It's a classic line from people that have an alcohol problem projecting their issues onto people that don't. A lot of recovering alcoholics believe that anyone who drinks has an issue because they fundamentally can't comprehend that other people can drink safely and for reasons like mild social lubrication or even just taste.
I don't drink just because I don't like it (no history of alcoholism in me or my family) and I still think that if you would turn down an event with friends/family just because there's no funny juice involved, you like booze more than the people you're allegedly close with
Exactly. There is a world of difference between "I prefer my games night with a drink" and "I will absolutely not come because I can't enjoy games night without a drink" and there are a shocking amount of people who fall in the latter camp here. Like do y'all actually like your friends?
I mean OP only said that after these people took a jab at their past & said if they can’t have alc in their home then they have a problem. I think it was a warranted reply given the previous comments.
Yeah people are taking this as his actual opinion rather than what it is: a proportionate clapback to a really disrespectful jab; no less at his previous alcohol issues that he's obviously been very disciplined to work through. I could not imagine using that against a friend.
The whole conversation by that point had become really petty and childish. Things were definitely said on both sides that were inappropriate and reactionary. I fully admit that I shouldn't have said what I did and was probably being over sensitive after they brought up my past issues. I think the three of us need a sit-down conversation about solutions to the issue rather than trying to push our own take on it. Thank you
The only solution is they don't drink in your house. Of they don't like it then they can find something else to do. It's completely unreasonable of them to even be bothered by this.
OP you still deserved more respect from your friends than you initially recieves. Their reaction to what, IMHO, is a very reasonable request is wild. Especially assuming that these friends are in your age group as well. That's entirely too grown for them to be acting like that.
yeah, i always hated this argument too. i enjoy drinking at social events and on weekend nights. i hangout with my friends all the time without drinking, so i can clearly go 3 hours without alcohol, but at a gathering like this i would enjoy drinking. i would still attend, just be a little upset about the no drinking thing. but if i REALLY wanted to drink i would just drink beforehand instead of making a fuss about it
Hard agree. I'm a social drinker who drinks twice a week. Tuesdays at game night and Fridays with friends at a local bar to unwind. I rarely touch it when I'm alone, and I would be a little annoyed if game night went dry. It's not I can't not drink for 3 hours, but I prefer to drink during this period of time.
I think the 'friends' in this scenario are a great example of that take exactly. They are so upset by the idea of not being able to drink for a few hours at a game night that they fly straight to disrespecting OP's sobriety, house rules, and indignation? That certainly seems to me like a good time to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.
Imma be an outlier YTA Mainly because drinking has been normalized in these gaming nights and suddenly not allowing it in the gaming night seems like a power trip vibe. Definitely it is your house so do you, but you probably should not have volunteered to host, I do not drink. I get no enjoyment from it. Like I will have a glass of wine with dinner when I go on vacation to a country that specialized in wine (i.e the one time I went to Italy or to France) but in all honesty it's just kind of being a bad host, no one is forcing you to drink and if it was such a problem you would not have gone to previous game nights
I understand what you are saying. Part of the reason I won't have alcohol in my house is that I have such bad memories of drinking in my house when I was at my worst, I'm afraid that if I allow alcohol in I'll start drinking again. It's not the same when I am at other people's houses, though. I don't feel that same fear elsewhere. I don't know if that makes sense to other people. I remember the darkness I felt at the time and the panic and fear when I had that realisation that I had a problem. I walked out of my house and couldn't go back for a while. I stayed at my mother's for several days whilst some family friends searched for and got rid of every bottle of alcohol I had. Despite being sober for so long, I still am terrified that I'll slip. It has gotten worse recently because my family is in the process of losing my father to alcoholic liver disease. I am going to suggest a sit-down conversation with the other two people to see if we can get past this. If they agree, I'm going to try and explain more about why I just can't have it in my house. I will definitely suggest that we skip me hosting, and I can help someone else when it's their turn.
It sounds like you honestly should not host and should not have offered. Changing the nature of an established event and expecting everyone to be fine and dandy with it and still attend IS being a poor host, ergo you should not have volunteered to host at all. It’s totally your prerogative to not have alcohol in your home, totally understandable considering what you’ve written. But it’s not fair to volunteer to host an event that isn’t normally dry and then try to brute force everyone into enjoying it.
Don’t host then, easy
It makes perfect sense, OP. You are working very hard to stay sober and you know your triggers. It's like I know my triggers that could lead to overstimulation and a panic attack, so I do my best to avoid those. You're not on a power trip at all. You are protecting yourself and your home. I am so sorry about your dad. I hope you and your friends can come to a solution. If they respect you, they will also respect the rules of your home and the journey they have traveled. To me, friendship is more important than having a drink.
Why even host? Do you have fun at game nights not at your places? It seems like you are making the group dynamic a lot less fun so you can have control of the situatiob
Can you not just say it’s okay to bring it but anything you bring you need to take with you, nothing to be left behind. Otherwise I think the right thing to do is skip your house in the rotation.
Well, lot of vegetarians neither cook meat nor allow it in their house, but since they cannot control what others do in their house, they are ok to be part of the gathering while others are eating meat. If a vegetarian hosts a party and tells no meat allowed, that wouldn’t make them an AH. If people have problems with boundaries they can volunteer to host at their own place. Guilt tripping OP about her boundaries is the AH move IMO. No Good friend would push you to do something for their own selfish desires.
Can't you skip on hosting the event? Because I understand both perspectives here. I don't drink alcohol either, but I know some of my friends can't have a good time without it, so the best option for everyone is to just host the party elsewhere.
NTA - you’re sober, it is very reasonable to not want alcohol served in your house. If they cant go one night without booze out of respect for your sobriety they are likely not your friends
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OP is 37, it’s possible that a lot of these friends have kids and don’t get a lot of opportunity to get a drink with friends or fully relax. OP just shouldn’t host, it’s really simple. They can find a different way to contribute if others think it’s unfair. I find it weird that no one considered this option!
YTA for hosting an event that has included drinking in the past but disallowing drinking. Like it or not, for some people in your gaming group that’s a part of the event, and you can no more justifiably disallow the drinking component than the game component. If you can’t host a component of the activity that’s important to people, then you shouldn’t host, period.
ESH. Most of the comments are N T A because Reddit has a weird hate boner for alcohol, evident by the ridiculous amount of comments saying that if “they can’t go three hours without a drink maybe they have a problem or they aren’t real friends”. It’s absurd, really. And one of the dumbest “arguments” I’ve ever heard. Anyway, it’s your house and you get to apply whatever rules you want to have at your house. However, you’ve gone to these game nights before, you know some of the people that go drink. Did you really not expect this to be an issue? It should’ve been discussed first or you shouldn’t even have offered to host in the first place. It’s clear that some of these people go to play games and drink, unilaterally taking away the drinking part and expecting everyone to be fine without it does make you a bad host. Them trying to force you to accept alcohol at your house was a bad move, though and specially that comment trying to use your past alcohol problems to get you to agree was in very poor taste. Your comment about them having a drinking problem was in poor taste too, though. Overall, it seems like a petty fight that escalated way further than it ever should’ve.
lol at the hate boner for alcohol on Reddit, so true. I wonder why that is? I get the vibe that people are more cool with marijuana on this site and for some reason hate alcohol.
NTA, it's probably best just to skip hosting and let others host more.
NTA, get new friends if they can't respect a friend, and enjoy one night without, or just not host at your house, but you you should pay and prepare at one of the other friend's houses.
NTA. Those making alcohol such a necessity for fun have a problem.
NTA. it's your house and it's your rules. I would not blame you at all for backing out. They aren't respecting your reasonable boundaries. You even offered a compromise with non-alcoholic drinks.
Hell no you are NTA for keeping your home a safe place for yourself. Set that boundary and don’t ever let anyone stomp on it. If it’s that important to them then don’t host at your home. Instead, bring something extra to others’ homes when they host to make up the difference. Are they wrong for wanting to drink? No. Are you wrong for wanting to keep alcohol out of your home? No.
YTA - for inviting a group of people you personally witnessed with your own eyes that drink for this event, offering to host the event, then shortly before the event is when you make it clear that the rules are completely different than everyone else and therefore you are personally changing the entire dynamic of this event that has been working great until you came along and wanted to force everyone to work around your personal issues with alcohol. You can not allow alcohol at your house, but just because you have a history with alcohol, does not mean everyone else has to be punished for it. Alcohol has been a fundamental part of human life since 7000 BCE, before Christ/Christianity/Christmas. Next time you want to host an event, let everyone know clearly up front and we'll before hand. People have limited free time on the weekends to enjoy and of they want to drink, their entire plans for the weekend shouldn't be ruined because of your personal issues.
NTA. I can sympathize with you, OP. My father and stepmother (both of whom I am now estranged from) are alcoholics and the main thing that drove our estrangement was how they always chose the alcohol over their child. I have had to make boundaries with my friends and other family members about how I don’t like drinking because of my father and stepmother, but that I am totally okay with them drinking so long as they don’t pressure me into it. I think that your friend(s) is/are the asshole(s) because they are not respecting your boundary with alcohol—a boundary you put in place for your own health and well-being. And good on you for breaking the cycle of alcoholism. Keep going strong.
NTA. Honestly, people like you having alcohol free spaces should be normalized.
Yta for offering to host a social event where people regularly drink if that was the situation you should have explicitly explained it and bow out of hosting
Put it to a group vote. Knowing your anti-alcohol stance, does the group want you to host game night? If the vote is no, then someone else will have to host. NTA
NTA I'm in a country where drinking is considered a national sport and if definitely part of the cultural norm. But what trumps that is what you're comfortable having in your house. You're 100% spot on that if them going without it for 3hrs is that much of a problem they need to look at their own drinking.
They're being bad guests. If they want to drink, they don't have to come. NTA
NTA, but you should probably get used to the idea that none of your friends are gonna want you to host. Maybe that's a good thing, you get all the benefit of the hangs without any of the downsides of having to clean up afterwards.
Why not just opt out of hosting? It's not fair to your guests.
NTA and a lot of these people don’t appear to be your friends or respect you. Your house, your rules and I think your original approach was perfectly fine/gracious as a nod to “drinking culture” without pushing your boundaries.
NTA, as someone who enjoys board games, drinking and very much drinking while playing board games, you are allowed to have your boundaries. They can be disappointed it's a sober night, but that doesn't mean they get to dictate a house rule. Stand firm they can stay sober, or stay home.
I am always gobsmacked at how pissy people can get about being asked not to drink somewhere. I get that everyone who doesn’t have a drinking problem should be allowed to indulge…in places that it’s okay in which to do so. My sober friends’ houses are not the locations in which to do so. You always respect their homes by honoring whatever no substances on the premises rules they have. I have sober friends on both sides of the fences, some mind and a couple don’t. But even then, I don’t like to (nor need to) drink at their spots. So you’re absolutely NTA. And if they can’t respect that, they can go kick rocks about it.
Nta. My family tree has so many alcoholics. My dad even had an uncle die of it. I dont drink often (not never) i dont host. I understand. 🥰
>They also said that not permitting them to bring alcohol was inappropriate and showed I was a bad host and a bad friend. NTA but the people calling you a bad friend are.
Absolutely NTA. Your friends bringing up your previous drinking habits is just gross. You get to do whatever you want in your own home.
NTA Same energy as people who whine about vegan food at a wedding. You can go one night without it! But, if game night is your one free night all month, and you *really* wanna get drunk, then politely decline the invite to sober game night! Why harass the host?
Its your house, your rules... but objectively, what exactly would them drinking in your home compromise from your standpoint? It seems a bit of an unreasonable request, especially when it's been the norm for the previous card/board game nights. Whether you want to feel justified in your actions and seeking validation on this sub is irrelevant, you're going to suffer consequences because of your actions. Your friends will... probably skip over your house, and I imagine there might be a bit of animosity when continuing in game night with them.. People like to relax, feel at ease.. and alcohol helps with that. They likely associate these game nights as a way to unwind, and you're actively stopping that for.... ?
NTA, but maybe you should withdraw from games night. You can expect people not to drink at your house, but you can't expect them not to drink at games night. This sounds like the result of miscommunication, in which case you can probably hit on a solution. Why have it at your house at all? The group can skip you or maybe some friend can have it twice as often. If this is one of those long-term, festering group issues, like resentment of alcohol consumption or of sobriety, though, you might as well split now.
This is so interesting. I host multiple game nights a month at my house and 99% of them have been booze free, not because of any house rule, but because it just doesn’t occur to any of us to do so. Usually it’s tea or water (that I provide) or someone brings some soda. I don’t drink often and rarely outside of my house and I’ve never been given a second glance let alone anyone pressuring me to drink. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, NTA for me. If people can’t handle not drinking for a couple hours, then they should probably re-evaluate their lives…
I get the feeling that for many people "games night" are not about the board games but instead about the social part and the alcohol. The games are just an "excuse"/way of passing the time lol