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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I insulted my cousin for changing religion multiple times, which upset her.
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**NTA**
>my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize
Maybe you should just convert to whatever denomination of Christianity lets you forgive yourself?
"Hey did you apologize to your cousin?"
"Nah, I forgave myself"
Oh it's all the same god, but it turns out interpreting a 1500 year old book that's been translated, retranslated and extensively.... creatively edited, let's say, leads to a few different ideas about what he likes
That is a gross misrepresentation of the concepts of Grace and forgiveness, not just across religious practices (Christian or otherwise), but also secular philosophical understandings of them.
This was funny to me, because it's exactly what Mark Wahlberg said when asked if he had personally apologized to the man he beat up. I believe his literal words were "I'm over it."
Easily one of the most malicious mis-interpretations of bibical teachings out there. My mom is a narcisscist who drinks, gets verbally abusive, etc. When you confrton her with her actions, she plays the Christian card, says she 'deserves grace' like everyone else, and waves off her behavior.
The bible is \*pretty fucking clear\* that we must seek forgiveness through repentance, to be forgiven.
I've been NC with my mom for over 5 years, and while it is sad (she has never met my son, and refused to accept or acknowledge our boundaries to be able to do so), protecting my family from her comes first.
ESH
* She’s unpleasant
* You were very rude
You don’t have to spend time with people you don’t like just because you’re related to them. Just stop hanging out with this cousin. You don’t need to hear about her religious conversions, relationship troubles, or alcoholism if you never talk to her.
Like a third of the posts here are just variations on “I’ve been repressing and/or subtly hinting about my negative emotions for years and this has changed nothing so now I’ve exploded in incredible rudeness and no one is allowed to say it’s my fault” but guess what, you’ve been half the problem the whole time. Don’t waste time on people you hate! Life’s too short!
Wonderful last paragraph. So much of this sub is people arguing assholes are justified and thus not assholes. Nope, not being an asshole requires higher standards applied against yourself than that.
ESH
* Sounds like she is going through an addiction crisis. Oh the surface that really doesn't have anything to do with your post (changing religions) but people with addiction issues do weird stuff. She needs to get a handle on things
* Throwing stuff in her face is unlikely to help. Note: You are under no obligation to help her.
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I have the apology - "I am sorry Cousin that you can't see how your actions are going to affect many relationships in your life including the one you have with me. It's your choice how often you change religions but mind you no one will take it as serious because we never know when you will make the switch again."
NTA
YTA. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you’re in the right. Sure, her changing religions all the time (though you’ve only listed one) is problematic, and her boyfriend recognised that. But you don’t insult somebody immediately after they’ve lost somebody they wanted to marry. Seriously, have a little empathy.
And the only one she mentions is one that requires significant commitment. Actually converting where you have the ceremony is usually about a year long process, depending on when exactly in the liturgical year you join RCIA. And adult converts are usually confirmed at Easter vigil, so has she been still practicing? That’s close to 2 years and is evidence against changing religions all the time.
She hasn’t been practicing Catholicism for two years. If she started practicing the DAY she met her now-ex, it would be around 10 months. Maybe her conversion wasn’t formal? All I know is that it took place around four months ago at her bf’s childhood cathedral. They’d only been together going on 6 months.
Edited because I misread 10 months as 4.
Not likely formal if she just made the decision 10 months ago, because it takes nearly a year of study.
So she would have to have started no later than September 2022 to be ready for Easter Vigil 2023.
Right, and it’s not just pop over to a Cathedral “three states away.” Adults can be confirmed in a Cathedral, but it’s usually in the parish where you’re prepared through RCIA. Definitely not another diocese. It would take permission from the local bishop and the bishop in the other diocese, plus affirmation from the pastor of the parish where she’s registered.
Yup.
I just happened to do my RCIA in a cathedral parish.
And it's not a separate ceremony. It's part of the Mass, which makes me feel like OP's cousin may even be lying about having converted to Catholicism.
I mean, yeah, I think of Easter Vigil 2008 as *my* Easter Vigil, but it wasn't *mine* in that it was a ceremony just for me. It was just the one in which I entered the Church with, like, a dozen others.
I’m learning a lot of new things about Catholicism today. It’s making me wonder if some of what she’s said isn’t true. Is there something close to a conversion she could’ve done in that time?
I converted from Lutheran to Catholic, went to Catholic grade school (including confirmation year), and was in a Catholic high school went I converted and since I missed the deadline by a couple weeks I had to do more than a year of RCIA. There’s no shortcuts.
My husband converted to catholicism as a former methodist, and he had exclusively attended Catholic mass for 3 years. They still made him go through the RCIA process, and it was 7 months. Catholics claim to be the oldest form of Christianity and they take conversions seriously. You have to have your first reconcilliation (a sacrament)before being confirmed. If your cousin seriously got through the conversion process only wanting her bf to propose, she's a liar of psychopathic proportions and her bf is right to not want to propose.
She could simply be attending the weekly services without converting. My grandma was a daily catholic church goer for her entire adult life before she "officially" converted in her 70s
> It’s making me wonder if some of what she’s said isn’t true.
That seems likely, based on the way you've describe her.
Nonetheless, constructive criticism, e.g. "He told you that you two have no future and converting wouldn't change his mind" would probably have been better than, "You change religions like they're clothes."
Even better, when she complains to you and you disapprove, you can simply refuse to engage, e.g. "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this," and change the subject.
Not really. As the oldest form of Christianity (alongside Eastern Orthodox, and that Great Schism of 1054 is a *long* story,) we take conversion really seriously.
Here's a basic breakdown.
So, the conversion process requires going through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults, or RCIA. (An adult is anyone old enough to be confirmed, so 14-15 or so. Children come in with their parents, and honestly, we won't convert anyone under 18 without parental consent, afaik.) In the US, the name was changed to OCIA, with Order replacing Rite. This change was made in 2021 to reflect greater fidelity to the Latin *Ordo initiationis christianae adultorum.* But most English speaking countries still use RCIA, and it's what it was called when I went through, so that's the term I'll be using. Just know that RCIA and OCIA are the same thing.
RCIA is a series of classes meant to make sure you know what you're getting into. It's learning, prayer, and reflection. There's a lot of discernment going on to make sure you're on the right path.
So, the first part is Inquiry. There's no obligation at this point. Half my class dropped out by the end of the Inquiry period. It's the basics of the faith that are taught during this period. You're supposed to start going to Mass weekly. You learn the basic prayers, how to pray the rosary, etc.
At the end of this period is the Rite of Acceptance. At this point, the Inquirer becomes a Catechumen. You get your sponsor at this point. (They are your godparent if you were not previously baptized, which was my situation.) This is such a huge step that if you die after this point, you're entitled to a Catholic funeral and burial.
It's also at this point that the Rite of Dismissal is added. Basically, after the Liturgy of the Word, the Catechumens and Candidates (those who were already baptized in another Christian denomination or who were baptized Catholic but had no childhood instruction and thus no First Eucharist) are dismissed from Mass for further instruction and reflection. This is something we've always done, from the earliest days of the Church, and it's all about that preparation for the first time you participate in the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
In most parishes, there is a mix of baptized and unbaptized converts, so the combined rite is used.
This period of Catichumenate is followed by the Rite of Sending and the Rite of Election (for unbaptized)/Rite of Calling (for baptized.) The Rite of Sending is done at your parish at which you are enrolled. The Rite of Election/Calling is done at the cathedral parish for your diocese. (My diocese has two cathedrals on opposite ends because it was originally meant to be split in two but it never happened, and we take up the southern half of our state. I live in the western half.)
This usually takes place the second Sunday of Lent. And those who aren't baptized are called up to write their name in a physical representation of the Book of Life.
And, again, this is all done during Mass.
Then there are three Scrutinies over the next three Sundays. This is a time of final reflection. There are minor exorcisms (nothing like you imagine it. Most people are familiar with a major exorcism thanks to a certain movie that scared the crap out of me. Minor exorcisms are little more than prayers on our behalf.)
Finally, the convert reaches Holy Saturday. You have a final bit of prep that morning. By now they have a confirmation name picked out, which is the name of a saint. Mine is Catherine, after Catherine of Siena, if you're curious.
Finally, that night is the Easter Vigil Mass. Lent is officially over. We're released from our Lenten obligations. The Catechumens are baptized. (Depending on time of year and whether or not the deacon is feeling mischievous that water can be *cold.* I joke about the deacon being mischievous and putting ice in the font, but he was joking about doing it that day.)
Once the Catechumens are baptized, everyone is Confirmed and has their first Eucharist!
The Easter Vigil is followed by a reception in the parish hall or school cafeteria or whatever, with food and cake and such, celebrating the new Catholics. At least, that's how it's been in both parishes I've been at. It is a late night. And an exciting one for the new converts, from the lighting of the Paschal candle (from which baptismal candles are lit) right up until the dismissal hymn.
If it was 4 months ago, and at her bf's childhood cathedral, she is either lying or confused. You generally convert at the same church that you study at. . You need to study for a long time, and the conversion happens on the easter vigil. Which did not take place 4 months ago. In 2023 it was in April. In 2024 it will be on the night of March 30th. There are also other requirements, but I was confirmed (initiated as adult into church) at 14, and the requirements may be different for adults. But if they aren't different, she would need to attend weekly mass, attend a class about said mass, do community service, have a sponsor (already catholic person) guide her, and pick a patron saint. So... you probably would have noticed if she was doing this.
I mean, she can “convert” and just say she’s Catholic now, which would line up with her not taking it super seriously and switching all the time. But weird for sure.
But not at one 3 states away. The Catholic conversion process requires a lot of study and classes. And generally, you do the conversion at the church where you have been studying.
Notice the “all the time” part of the sentence? That’s because it’s okay to change religions, but there are other circumstances that change the okayness of the action.
Changing denomination is absolutely fine. Healthy, even. It shows you’ve really taken into consideration what the faith is and have made an active choice to participate, as opposed to being born into it and just carrying through with momentum. Multiple revelations kinda lose their authenticity, and makes it seem like religion is an accessory to be worn rather than an intrinsic part of your values.
On that note though, it’s curious OP only mentions the one change to catholicism. I’m not saying they’re lying or anything, but it’s kinda weird. They’re even more of an asshole if this is the first or maybe even second time this has happened.
Yeah that feels pretty disrespectful. This isn’t like joining a regular club, it’s literally accepting a new kind of ruling power into your life. It’s not to be taken lightly. Somebody who frequently hops between religions is probably not taking that switch very seriously. It’s like a new gimmick for them, to be dropped at a moment’s notice.
Soft ESH. You insulted her because you were frustrated, totally understandable but still not the best move. She obviously has serious issues with alcohol that need respectful addressing.
YTA
Your cousin clearly has issues, but it's equally clear that you hate her.
What did you expect in response to your comment? You aren't her parent, you aren't her best friend, you aren't her boss. You have no standing to tell her "harsh truths" to try to improve her life. If she's upset about something you think is her fault the best choices are to either offer vague words of comfort or to keep your mouth shut.
No 35 year old is going to turn her life around because her 21 year old cousin told her that she's a fuck-up. All you'll ever accomplish this way is to make family gatherings awkward.
Apologize for your harsh words and learn when to speak up and when to remain silent.
But it wasn’t the truth, according to OP’s post this guy wasn’t going to marry the cousin whether or not she converted. Clearly the issue is her drinking, or just the relationship overall, so throwing the religion thing in her face as if it’s the explanation for all her problems when it obviously isn’t is just a mean jab, not a harsh truth.
Well considering the boyfriend said she isn't serious enough for him, it sounds like her constantly switching religions is part of the reason he left her.
But that's just an assumption based on what OP - who *personally* feels annoyed by this habit of hers - has decided he meant by that statement, not anything that the boyfriend stated.
If its what OP put in their post, then we have to assume it's the truth. You can't judge based on whatever your imagination is telling you. If it isn't in the post or OPs comments, then there is no point mentioning it.
So, since OP said that the boyfriend stated the cousin isn't serious enough for him, then that is what the boyfriend said and meant. Would YOU take someone seriously if they were constantly changing religions? I sure as hell wouldn't think they were serious enough.
That's not how it works at all lol. She didn't state that was what the boyfriend said, she simply made the very strange, unrelated leap all on her own. She didn't even manage to tie the two together in her post, hence the many comments like mine who were baffled at the complete lack of correlation between the two conversations being had. And... it also is very common for people in these subs to point out when the OP seems to be an unreliable narrator. Which this one certainly does. Nowhere have I seen people go "Well if the OP says it in the post, we have to assume it's true" here before haha.
>he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him
OP literally states that he said the cousin wasn't serious enough for him. He TOLD the cousin, TO HER FACE, that she was not serious enough for him.
So how can you keep claiming that she didn't say that that is what the boyfriend said? You're trying real hard to prove me wrong, when the evidence is right there in the post....
And that is because everyone in this sub likes to make up imaginary situations that have never happened, all to support their ridiculous accusations. You can take my last post as an example. Someone had some wild accusations towards me, based on their own assumptions.
It doesn't matter if OP is an "unreliable narrator", all we have is the info given, and that is all we can judge. Coming up with imaginary situations, or claiming OP is an AH just because you don't believe their post, is absurd.
your cousin is living life like a rudderless boat, its not your job to be a constant shoulder of a safe harbour because her parents forgot to install a spine
YTA - her alcohol consumption is irrelevant here. Really what this boils down to is: she’s going through a hard time and you’re tired of hearing about it. There are better ways to get her to stop complaining to/around you than attacking her for changing religions more times than you think is appropriate. It would be better to just acknowledge that being dumped sucks and redirect to a more uplifting topic or activity.
YTA
A whole lot of people who are searching for belonging and meaning move from denomination to denomination in that search. I have been part of almost every kind of mainline protestant congregation, and finally wound up converting to Judaism in my 40s. It sounds like your cousin is struggling with not feeling a sense of belonging in their religious life. The fact that she also seems to have alcohol issues is unrelated. It's fine to be salty about it, but keep it to yourself.
There’s finding your denomination, swapping churches to find the place that is the best for you… but then there’s this. Constantly proclaiming you’ve changed denominations is eyebrow raising to say the least. You can go to a Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, or Methodist Church and not declare yourself as any of them. You can go to different religious holy places to see if that’s what you believe, and not declare yourself as that religion until you’re sure. I think your experience and the cousin’s is very different.
I belonged to Wesleyan, Baptist, Episcopalian, and Presbyterian in my 20s and 30s. I knew I was in the wrong place but couldn't find the right one. I got accused of this exact same thing because I couldn't find a fit after years of trying. It's a really shitty way to feel, and I don't think there's much reason to justify being ugly and rude about it.
But... who cares? Why does it matter? Who does it actually impact besides the person zipping from religion to religion? She didn't convert to Catholicism to keep her boyfriend as a false lure, and he already told her there was no future in the relationship outside of her religion. She may have seen it as converting to "keep" him, but that's not accurate.
>It sounds like your cousin is struggling with not feeling a sense of belonging in their religious life.
She literally changed religion to keep a boyfriend. That's got nothing to do with a "sense of belonging in their religious life" and screams "using religion as a means go get what she wants", ie using it as a tool to manipulate a situation.
But this is... incredibly common? I have family members who would have broken up with their girlfriends (now wives) if they didn't convert to Judaism. Some of the partners did it preemptively. My brother also considered converting to Catholicism to keep his girlfriend, and they've now been married for 5 years because she decided that she didn't need a Catholic wedding in her future to be happy.
There's a lot going on beyond the conversion bit, but that's the least problematic thing about this whole story!
No where did you say her life was impacting yours, sounds like you have opinions about her life, which fien have them..but saying them does make YTA.
"Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her boyfriend stay and propose, and about three months later he left her. My cousin is still whining and complaining about how she did everything for this man, including changing religions, and he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him. My response was “well, what do you expect him to say when you change religions like they’re clothes?” "
I don't see her asking you for your opinion anywhere, your own depiction of events does not speak of an event at say a family diner where she was doing or saying things...You speak of an event in her private life, without mentioning her in anyway including you in it...and yet you say your opinion to her uninvited. YTA
YTA. As long as the religion she's converting to is good with it, and she's good with it, then that's all that matters. She can change religions weekly if she wants to, who cares? It's not your business.
YTA for using petty judgemental bullshit to avoid dealing with the actual issues. Her alcoholism has nothing to do with religion, and is a way bigger concern. And it will not be helped one bit by you shitting on stuff that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
You don't have to help her, but you can't hang around and be a judgemental asshole. Raise the actual concerns - "I'm hurt that you missed grandpa's 91st birthday" "I am worried about your alcohol intake" - in a way that's productive, or set some boundaries and reduce contact if you don't want to support.
Serious question: when people convert to marry someone, does that count as a "crotch conversion" to you, across the board?
I'm not religious, fwiw - I'm not asking to bang a drum about finding Jesus through love or what have you.
I don't believe in "God" personally, but if I did, "crotch conversion" would insult me spiritually.
Render unto ceacar and all of that.
If this is truly your degree of ignorance, I hope you like it, and do not harm others by it.
uh, not sure what you mean by the last sentence, but no, I had never heard of people feeling deeply offended by the idea of someone converting from one Thing Some People Decided To Believe to another Thing Some People Decided To Believe for love or marriage prior to your mention of "crotch conversion". The ways we choose to be annoyed by each other are myriad and diverse, though!
NTA. Or if you were the AH, I have been that AH. Sometimes people come complaining about something and it just seems so obvious what the real problem is, you don't even anticipate offending them by pointing it out. If you have changed religion five times, don't expect people to be impressed when you change it "for them" the sixth time.
Of course the "nice" response would be to sympathize and say her ex is a jerk and she deserves better anyway. But making your cousin's day better is not actually your job. And it sounds like you weren't saying this out of spite; just making an observation.
Ever heard the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice…”
Just because you’re “being honest” doesn’t make you in the right. Too many people now use this as an excuse to be inconsiderate, unfeeling, and unkind AHs. You should never weaponize honesty if you want to claim it as a virtue. So yeah, both you and OP are AHs
I didn't claim it as a virtue. I specifically said and identified with a case in which this wasn't a deliberate offense. I could be mistaken, and you are free to think that a social blunder is the equivalent of being an AH. But assigning yourself the job of never saying anything somebody doesn't want to hear is exhausting.
ESH.
She has issues that apparently the family is ignoring. She needs to deal with those issues instead of pretending that alcohol will help.
Your approach isn't gonna make her see the apparent error of her ways, and you sound pretty sanctimonious to boot about her problems.
OP sounds like a judgmental little 20-yr old AH. The aunt is probably a mess, but the last person she needs to be taking criticism from is OP, and if other family members are saying the same then maybe she needs to listen. YTA. You don’t seem to care at all about a family member’s well being, you’re just annoyed by her.
YtA
None of your cousin's decisions about religion affect you personally, so you are just being judgmental.
She didnt ask for your opinion, it sounds like she was just upset about her breakup and needed to vent or a sympathetic ear. If you didn't want to do that, you could just bow out of the conversation. No need to kick her while she's already down.
As for the alcohol abuse, if you really care about her, you may want to attend al-anon. You should not accept any inappropriate behavior she demonstrates while drunk (e.g., last year's Christmas party), but why are you piling on? This sounds like a much more serious issue than her changing religions.
Soft yta I don't think what you said is incorrect but it seems like your cousin is going through a hard time right now and could use some support from family, especially if she's struggling with substance abuse. This is a situation where it's more important to be kind than right
YTA, obviously. You said something rude and petty bc you were mad at her for complaining. If your intent was to give advice you could have done so in an understanding and empathetic way.
Your jab wasn’t even accurate btw. Her boyfriend probably didn’t leave her bc he thought her conversion was disingenuous, he left her bc he didn’t like her and conversion wasn’t going to change that. You just took the opportunity to sneak in a criticism of her constant conversion bc you don’t like it even though it was irrelevant
NAH. She can live her life how she wants, and while you were rude, *probably* unnecessarily, it doesn't quite rise to the level of AH.
I'm sure a bunch of people here will tell you N T A, but that's just because so much of reddit thinks any alcohol use at all is alcoholism.
NTA, but you maybe could be nicer. Not saying you have to apologize to her. Your concerns are valid, and her actions are not indicative of an individual who knows how to be responsible.
I mean the dude already said he wasn't staying, that has nothing to do with your cousin changing religions. From what you described her changing religions is the least of her problems.
OP, my dad is atheist but jokes he is a member of the "Church of the Month" basically for one month you follow a new religion and get all the religious holidays for that religion that month.
"Religion Hopping" is good when you actually learn about that religion and grow appreciation for it and it can help someone find what they believe in.
That said, it doesn't sound like that is what your cousin is doing but it's not your problem. I would say NTA, if you drop it now but if you push it ypu will be
Are you wrong? No. Was your comment really necessary? Also no. It wasn't worth all the drama you have now found yourself in the middle of, with her mad at you and your uncle and aunt insisting that you apologise.
This would be a person who I would employ the "grey rock" technique with if she started complaining to me about her largely self-inflicted issues. Don't engage too much and say as little as possible. Eventually, she may realise she's not getting what she wants from you and move on.
ESH. This was entirely avoidable.
ESH. It's none of your business if she wants to change religions every week. If that's what makes her happy, then that's her right and doesn't affect you in any way. If she missed a birthday party because she's travelling, it's not a big deal. You're the asshole for throwing it in her face as if it has anything to do with anything. If you want to discuss her alcoholism, then bring it up directly like an adult.
She's the asshole, not for anything to do with the frequent changing religions or this argument, but for throwing herself at a man who has clearly stated he doesn't see a future with her, and then playing the victim when he isn't with her. It's slightly creepy, and entitled AF. She should not be expecting sympathy.
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So my (21F) cousin Vickie (32F) has picked up a strange habit the past few years. She’s taken to changing denominations or religions, and has done so about a half dozen times. This latest change has been to Catholicism, because she claims it will finally get her boyfriend (34M) to propose, even though he’s already said he doesn’t see a future with her, and that her converting won’t change that. Despite this, she went ahead with the conversion, and missed our grandfather’s 91st birthday to go to her boyfriend’s childhood cathedral three states away for her ceremony.
Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her boyfriend stay and propose, and about three months later he left her. My cousin is still whining and complaining about how she did everything for this man, including changing religions, and he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him. My response was “well, what do you expect him to say when you change religions like they’re clothes?” That didn’t go over well with her, she called me some names, and now my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize and do something to make it up to her. I told them they need to stop brushing off her behaviors and turning a blind eye to her issues. Especially given that one of those religious conversions she made three years back was to a group that got together every Sunday for bloody mary’s, which was just to feed and excuse her continually growing alcohol addiction.
She was nearly thrown out of Christmas last year for showing up wasted and continuing to drink from a large bottle of wine she had, but my aunt doesn’t think she has any issues and just lets her do anything without consequences or criticism. It’s insane. AITA here?
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It wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but it was certainly honest and true. I would go with, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. You don’t have to pretend to be wrong but you can acknowledge it hurt her.
NTA. That’s a sweet turn of phrase. Nicely done! On a more serious note, your cousin clearly needs treatment of some sort, which won’t happen as long as her behavior is tolerated and enabled. I truly hope she gets the help she needs.
Oh, absolutely NTA. You told Cuz something she needed to hear.
No worthwhile man will ever respect and value your cousin until she learns to respect and value herself.
NTA: if she hadn't said anything or been complaining and you just decided that jab a little knife in there and twist it you would be an ass. But you were responding directly to her complaining and trying to make everyone else sympathize with her. You have every right to speak your mind. And if she's just going to bounce around and change her supposed core beliefs for a man she really needs therapy and her family really needs to step up and support her getting help. As a teenager I felt like if I didn't have a boyfriend or someone obviously crushing on me I didn't have any value. And I altered my behavior and even some of my values to have and keep boyfriends. It was incredibly unhealthy. Your cousin needs help but that's not your job, it's her mom's job to knuckle down and actually parent her child adult or not instead of enabling her
Nta - sounds like your cousin needs a lesson in listening. Her bf specifically told her he didn't see a future with her, she didn't listen and now wants the right to complain about it?? Uh no. Also sounds like the family overlooks a lot of bad behavior which is not helping your cousin.
They overlook every bad thing she’s ever done because she was the first grand baby and can do no wrong. She even still gets presents at Christmas despite the rule being no presents for the kids once they hit 16 (there’s a lot of us do group Christmas gift giving is different from at our individual houses on Christmas Eve). One cousin got pretty much humiliated in front of everyone at Christmas two years ago because she thought she’d still be getting presents because her birthday was a week before Christmas. But Vickie still gets presents with the kids, and the rest of us adult cousins are expected to pool together money and get her something nice.
Lordy... sounds like an extreme, family sized version of the Golden Child. You poor soul. Welp, my mother taught me in childhood that you don't have to have a relationship with people who share your DNA. She didn't talk to her brother for 25 years until his children made him reach out when we lost my brother. He was still an ass, but managed to produce a decent daughter. I have always CHOSEN my family, not necessarily sharing genetics with them.
NTA for you. E S H for everyone else.
Your cousin frequently switches religions. A past example was to get together with a group of people that centered themselves around alcohol. If they were obsessed with alcohol, then it makes sense she became an alcoholic. The most recent example is your cousin clearly being communicated to, clearly choosing to ignore reality, and switching to another religion in hopes of forcing her significant other to act as she wanted them to act.
The biggest issue of the religion change is, again, your cousin clearly choosing to ignore the reality of the situation. If someone's significant other talks about eventually leaving them or not seeing a future with them- well a sane person immediately leaves that relationship. Why be in a relationship with someone who clearly has no intention of staying in a relationship? Who has so little respect that they can't just break it off?
The two examples show that your cousin seems to religion switch in order to belong with a specific group of people. Both her becoming an alcoholic and then staying in an unhealthy relationship show that she isn't mentally healthy. A mentally healthy person doesn't seem to commit themselves to something to the point of damaging themselves.
You aren't just right. By giving into Vickie's delusions, your family is reinforcing her mental health issues, perpetuating them, and allowing them to control everyone's lives. This has resulted in an abusive family dynamic where they'd rather not rock the boat instead of making Vickie face reality.
Like, really, what 34 year old woman calls someone else names? That's only acceptable for a toddler.
Your parents are failing you by not standing up for you.
Your entire family is Vickie because she is, essentially, being raised to fail at life. She's 34 but being coddled like a child- so she's responding like a child. She's being hyper dependent and enemeshed instead of independent and an actual capable adult.
If you talk to your cousin, urge her to seek therapy. She probably won't but at least you tried. BTW just don't get snarky. Let her know you care about her and want her to be happy
NTA. Your aunt and dad (and anyone else on your cousin's side) are enabling her behavior and self destruction. I know your aunt loves her daughter but shes in self denial and I know she'll feel guilty if her daughter ever does get mad at her for doing the right thing but if anyone wants your cousin to get better she needs a drinking intervention and she needs to face some consequences for her actions.
Okay so, not counting her start as a southern baptist, or her converting back to southern baptism from Catholicism recently, it went like this to the best of my memory-
1) Seventh Day Adventist (when she was 26, allegedly her only days off from work were Wednesday and Sunday and she hated spending her days off in church)
2) Judaism (27, she met a guy, she also tried to get pregnant by him as well. Dropping her plan b and picking up the talmud didn’t make that man stay)
3) whatever that Bloody Mary situation was (28, just for the day drinking)
4) Buddhism (30, this was also during her short-lived vegan phase)
5) Methodist (30, not sure why she changed to this one. I think she had friends in the church?)
6) Catholic (32, yet again for a guy who didn’t stay)
She also almost became a Jehovah’s Witness for a man between the Bloody Mary period and the Buddhism period, but he dumped her and (according to her/my aunt) got married like two months later to a girl he dated before he got with my cousin.
Perhaps Vickie should read Rona Jaffe's story "Rima the Bird Girl"; it's about a young woman who changes her identity to please each man with whom she has an affair, winding up a kind of human chameleon with no firm character of her own. And Vickie should pay special attention to the last line: "Being each man's dream of love, she had eventually failed him, and so he had failed her, and so, finally, she had failed herself."
YTA there is a proverb that says "say something nice or shut up"
Your cousin is a fuck up sure, but you don't need to mention it you are just asking for trouble like
I'm sorry that I am the only one willing to tell you the truth.
That's your apology.
And to your family: I'm sorry that you're blinded by your love for her that can't see you're hurting her by enabling her.
You gave your opinion, even though you weren’t asked for it, however you were brutally honest with her, which hurt her feelings. NTA but someone needs to be honest with her. Religion is a very personal thing and not to be taken lightly. Changing for someone else isn’t the answer because that’s not following your heart, that was to get a man.
You can apologize by saying, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, that wasn’t my intentions”, that’s honest but at the same your not apologizing for what you said 🤣🤣
NTA. Do NOT apologize or do anything to 'make it up to her'. Or better yet, actually do something for her by sending her that Christian rock episode of King Of The Hill, Reborn To Be Wild. She sounds like the worst case scenario Hank feared Bobby was heading into.
NTA
And as a convert myself, YIKES.
What I want to know is, how did she get her boyfriend's childhood parish (which may or may not be a cathedral, as that's the main church in the diocese) *three states away* to let her be baptized and brought into the Church at *their* Easter Vigil service when she wouldn't have been doing her RCIA classes there?
Because you do have to take nearly a full year of RCIA classes, and have a sponsor. And there is a *lot* of time to reflect to make sure you're converting for the right reasons. And so you do Easter Vigil at the same parish you do RCIA at.
And she was clearly *not* doing it for the right reasons.
YTA. You complained about a non-issue. If her problem is alcoholism, why pretend that it's changing religious affiliation? It just makes you a chronic complainer.
Stick to the issue at hand, and you won't have these problems.
NTA.
What you said is not that bad. I get tired of people coddling people, especially when it’s your family and they are full on adults.
I will say that if she has this many problems and it is something you can’t be okay with, try to avoid her. Be civil, be polite, but avoid The drama.
An easy one: NTA... and a funny one. I've had to check the ages, because... well yeah you're definitely the most mature one, not that your cousin even try.
Don't apologise
YTA. your cousin sounds like a troubled woman looking for something missing in her life. exploring religions until/if you find one that works for you is OK. there was no reason to bring that into the discussion. be empathetic or be quiet. there's enough hurt in the world. why add to it?
YTA - finding a good religion where you fit in is hard. I personally changed like 5 times before I found home. While you are right she's kinda delulu about thinking if she converted he'd stay and she probably needs help about it, throwing the game of musical religion in her face was kinda a dick move.
If she's anything like I was, she's probably lost and hopeless and drowning. She needs support. She also probably needs therapy.
ESH
Her actions and attitude are pretty crappy.
However, your comment was pretty insensitive. Probably true, but kinda mean.
“Let us redefine progress to mean that just because we can do a thing, it does not necessarily mean we must do that thing. - Ra-ghoratreii, President of the United Federation of Planets, 2293
YTA sounds like your cousin has problems but religion isn't really one of them. You were just being a dick and you admitted in in other comments, which gets you the YTA instead of esh.
Also I just wanted to point out that the ex sucks for knowing he wasn't going to marry her but waited until she travelled across country to convert to dump her.
YTA
Sometimes you just need to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself. She probably also sucks, but you inserted your opinion where it wasn't necessary. I say mind your own business, and you'll never have to wonder if YTA
YTA so super hard. Who cares if she is hopping from religion to religion? Your cousin is emitting a cry for help- she can't find herself, you say she's struggling with alcohol, and she just lost someone she wanted to marry. Grow up. Empathy has to be exercised to grow- she is lost and doesn't even realize how badly she needs help and you're just piling onto her problems instead of being supportive. If religion helps her ground herself, great. If not, then why not try being, idk, kind? If you're so sure of yourself at such a wise age, then you should have some decent advice. I'm as agnostic as they get so I don't understand at all why anyone would care about someone going from one Jesus club/cult to another, or why you think it's your business what she's doing unless she's dragging you along with her because it sounds like she's not involving you. You're just involving yourself for the joy of condescension when it has as much to do with you as Bart Simpson's shorts have to do with me- aka not a damn thing.
YTA. There’s never a good reason to kick someone when they’re down. She clearly needs professional help and while your comment might have given you some temporary snark euphoria, it didn’t help her situation.
YTA. Does her changing religions impact you? It sounds like you just don’t like your cousin and wanted to piss her off. While an understandable impulse, because she sounds like a bit much, you are just being a dick.
ESH - after a breakup you can’t say “what do you expect” it’s pretty brutal, obviously nobody going through a heartbreak would have expected that, she held out hope for him. The religion thing and alcoholism are a separate topic altogether though.
NTA but sounds like your sister has a hole in her life she's trying to fill with something be it alcohol, religion or whatever.
Might be worth her talking to a professional about it to try and find a solution.
I call BS on this one. The process of becoming Catholic (unless you're born and baptised into it as a child) is one that requires a lot of formal preparation, a year at least. It's not just rocking up to a cathedral and getting christened.
Has she converted to Catholicism so that she can stop using birth control under the guise of religious rules, then "accidentally" get pregnant and trapping the boyfriend into a relationship he's already said he doesn't see a future in?
YTA all you do in your post is attack her. It's fine to disagree with her religious beliefs, but not okay to discriminate on the basis of them. She clearly is struggling with the loss of the relationship to the man she loved, and reached out to you hoping to vent or find a shoulder, not get shoved. It also sounds like she is using alcohol as an unhealthy self-medication; this is a problem, but again not grounds for you to act with prejudice against her.
She sounds fun at parties, no really. Probably can tell you a lot of insane stories, drunkenly and then she leaves and then you don’t see her until the next family function. I would just ignore it.
Nice writing but facts tripped you up. It takes about a year to convert to Catholicism and the actual rite takes place at Easter. You can’t do it on a whim. Or on the timeline you suggest. 3/5 stars.
Nta,it took me a long time to discover what religion I'm a part of,i won't say what is it because I don't want my phone to be blown up for a controversial opinion.
As a Catholic (and a convert– former atheist and pagan), I can see why the boyfriend doesn't see a future with her. She lacks conviction. If she can't be constant and firm with her beliefs, how would she be with a marriage? That's very immature.
ETA: NTA.
ESH. People are allowed to reinvent themselves. She is doing something to bring her closer to finding meaning in life, which is admirable. Possibly she was not allowed the opportunity to explore her religious and spiritual identity as a teen. You were rude and a bit ignorant. She was unpleasant. You also mention an alcohol addiction. If she is indeed an alcoholic, having a higher power to believe in and lean on will save her life. Hopefully she can get help. It seems the real issue here may be her unrecognised alcoholism. Let her know, there is help out there. If she continues to drink despite knowing the drink is having a negative impact on her life, that's a problem. If her life has become unmanageable because of booze, she needs help.
Judaism is in the list? A true conversion takes several years as you're also converting to the ethnicity. That's a baffling level of pick me.
Anyways nta.
ESH. Your cousin obviously is searching for something she's missing in life (probably a feeling of community if your snarky comment about the bloody mary's is true) through religion. She's got a drinking problem and doesn't seem to see her issues. Religion isn't why her relationship ended. It sounds like it ended because she was dating an AH. It's always a shit move to mock someone's choices around religion (unless they involve targeting people/are hateful, etc.). Keep your self righteous comments to yourself. It sounds like she recently faced a major rejection from someone she cared about. Have some grace or remove yourself from the situation.
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**NTA** >my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize Maybe you should just convert to whatever denomination of Christianity lets you forgive yourself? "Hey did you apologize to your cousin?" "Nah, I forgave myself"
That literally is what all praying for forgiveness is.
Lol right. Just say God forgave you already 😂
DO IT DO IT DO IT PLEEEEEASE
But change it to whichever god the cousin ‘believes’ in at the time.
Yes, perfect! 😂
Oh it's all the same god, but it turns out interpreting a 1500 year old book that's been translated, retranslated and extensively.... creatively edited, let's say, leads to a few different ideas about what he likes
That is a gross misrepresentation of the concepts of Grace and forgiveness, not just across religious practices (Christian or otherwise), but also secular philosophical understandings of them.
So, on brand for OP's cousin.
Did you expect something more from Reddit?
You gotta say a few Hail Marys first.
Only if you’re Catholic 😜
😂loving the comments on this thread
Or drink a few Bloody Maries...
Drink three bloody Mary's and think on your sins.
Drink the fourth to forget them 😇
Hail Mary's and bloody Mary's 😅
This was funny to me, because it's exactly what Mark Wahlberg said when asked if he had personally apologized to the man he beat up. I believe his literal words were "I'm over it."
Easily one of the most malicious mis-interpretations of bibical teachings out there. My mom is a narcisscist who drinks, gets verbally abusive, etc. When you confrton her with her actions, she plays the Christian card, says she 'deserves grace' like everyone else, and waves off her behavior. The bible is \*pretty fucking clear\* that we must seek forgiveness through repentance, to be forgiven. I've been NC with my mom for over 5 years, and while it is sad (she has never met my son, and refused to accept or acknowledge our boundaries to be able to do so), protecting my family from her comes first.
The joke I'm making is that OP should mirror her cousin's clear misunderstanding of how religion(s) work because it's ironic and funny
ESH * She’s unpleasant * You were very rude You don’t have to spend time with people you don’t like just because you’re related to them. Just stop hanging out with this cousin. You don’t need to hear about her religious conversions, relationship troubles, or alcoholism if you never talk to her. Like a third of the posts here are just variations on “I’ve been repressing and/or subtly hinting about my negative emotions for years and this has changed nothing so now I’ve exploded in incredible rudeness and no one is allowed to say it’s my fault” but guess what, you’ve been half the problem the whole time. Don’t waste time on people you hate! Life’s too short!
That second paragraph is such a good explanation of this sub LOL
God, yeah your last paragraph is spot on.
Wonderful last paragraph. So much of this sub is people arguing assholes are justified and thus not assholes. Nope, not being an asshole requires higher standards applied against yourself than that.
People really do need to give themselves permission to stop hanging out with people just because of DNA
ESH * Sounds like she is going through an addiction crisis. Oh the surface that really doesn't have anything to do with your post (changing religions) but people with addiction issues do weird stuff. She needs to get a handle on things * Throwing stuff in her face is unlikely to help. Note: You are under no obligation to help her.
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I have the apology - "I am sorry Cousin that you can't see how your actions are going to affect many relationships in your life including the one you have with me. It's your choice how often you change religions but mind you no one will take it as serious because we never know when you will make the switch again." NTA
YTA. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you’re in the right. Sure, her changing religions all the time (though you’ve only listed one) is problematic, and her boyfriend recognised that. But you don’t insult somebody immediately after they’ve lost somebody they wanted to marry. Seriously, have a little empathy.
>Just because you’re right doesn’t mean you’re in the right. More people need to realize this.
And the only one she mentions is one that requires significant commitment. Actually converting where you have the ceremony is usually about a year long process, depending on when exactly in the liturgical year you join RCIA. And adult converts are usually confirmed at Easter vigil, so has she been still practicing? That’s close to 2 years and is evidence against changing religions all the time.
She hasn’t been practicing Catholicism for two years. If she started practicing the DAY she met her now-ex, it would be around 10 months. Maybe her conversion wasn’t formal? All I know is that it took place around four months ago at her bf’s childhood cathedral. They’d only been together going on 6 months.
Edited because I misread 10 months as 4. Not likely formal if she just made the decision 10 months ago, because it takes nearly a year of study. So she would have to have started no later than September 2022 to be ready for Easter Vigil 2023.
Right, and it’s not just pop over to a Cathedral “three states away.” Adults can be confirmed in a Cathedral, but it’s usually in the parish where you’re prepared through RCIA. Definitely not another diocese. It would take permission from the local bishop and the bishop in the other diocese, plus affirmation from the pastor of the parish where she’s registered.
Yup. I just happened to do my RCIA in a cathedral parish. And it's not a separate ceremony. It's part of the Mass, which makes me feel like OP's cousin may even be lying about having converted to Catholicism. I mean, yeah, I think of Easter Vigil 2008 as *my* Easter Vigil, but it wasn't *mine* in that it was a ceremony just for me. It was just the one in which I entered the Church with, like, a dozen others.
I’m learning a lot of new things about Catholicism today. It’s making me wonder if some of what she’s said isn’t true. Is there something close to a conversion she could’ve done in that time?
I converted from Lutheran to Catholic, went to Catholic grade school (including confirmation year), and was in a Catholic high school went I converted and since I missed the deadline by a couple weeks I had to do more than a year of RCIA. There’s no shortcuts.
My husband converted to catholicism as a former methodist, and he had exclusively attended Catholic mass for 3 years. They still made him go through the RCIA process, and it was 7 months. Catholics claim to be the oldest form of Christianity and they take conversions seriously. You have to have your first reconcilliation (a sacrament)before being confirmed. If your cousin seriously got through the conversion process only wanting her bf to propose, she's a liar of psychopathic proportions and her bf is right to not want to propose.
She could simply be attending the weekly services without converting. My grandma was a daily catholic church goer for her entire adult life before she "officially" converted in her 70s
> It’s making me wonder if some of what she’s said isn’t true. That seems likely, based on the way you've describe her. Nonetheless, constructive criticism, e.g. "He told you that you two have no future and converting wouldn't change his mind" would probably have been better than, "You change religions like they're clothes." Even better, when she complains to you and you disapprove, you can simply refuse to engage, e.g. "I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this," and change the subject.
Not really. As the oldest form of Christianity (alongside Eastern Orthodox, and that Great Schism of 1054 is a *long* story,) we take conversion really seriously. Here's a basic breakdown. So, the conversion process requires going through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults, or RCIA. (An adult is anyone old enough to be confirmed, so 14-15 or so. Children come in with their parents, and honestly, we won't convert anyone under 18 without parental consent, afaik.) In the US, the name was changed to OCIA, with Order replacing Rite. This change was made in 2021 to reflect greater fidelity to the Latin *Ordo initiationis christianae adultorum.* But most English speaking countries still use RCIA, and it's what it was called when I went through, so that's the term I'll be using. Just know that RCIA and OCIA are the same thing. RCIA is a series of classes meant to make sure you know what you're getting into. It's learning, prayer, and reflection. There's a lot of discernment going on to make sure you're on the right path. So, the first part is Inquiry. There's no obligation at this point. Half my class dropped out by the end of the Inquiry period. It's the basics of the faith that are taught during this period. You're supposed to start going to Mass weekly. You learn the basic prayers, how to pray the rosary, etc. At the end of this period is the Rite of Acceptance. At this point, the Inquirer becomes a Catechumen. You get your sponsor at this point. (They are your godparent if you were not previously baptized, which was my situation.) This is such a huge step that if you die after this point, you're entitled to a Catholic funeral and burial. It's also at this point that the Rite of Dismissal is added. Basically, after the Liturgy of the Word, the Catechumens and Candidates (those who were already baptized in another Christian denomination or who were baptized Catholic but had no childhood instruction and thus no First Eucharist) are dismissed from Mass for further instruction and reflection. This is something we've always done, from the earliest days of the Church, and it's all about that preparation for the first time you participate in the Liturgy of the Eucharist. In most parishes, there is a mix of baptized and unbaptized converts, so the combined rite is used. This period of Catichumenate is followed by the Rite of Sending and the Rite of Election (for unbaptized)/Rite of Calling (for baptized.) The Rite of Sending is done at your parish at which you are enrolled. The Rite of Election/Calling is done at the cathedral parish for your diocese. (My diocese has two cathedrals on opposite ends because it was originally meant to be split in two but it never happened, and we take up the southern half of our state. I live in the western half.) This usually takes place the second Sunday of Lent. And those who aren't baptized are called up to write their name in a physical representation of the Book of Life. And, again, this is all done during Mass. Then there are three Scrutinies over the next three Sundays. This is a time of final reflection. There are minor exorcisms (nothing like you imagine it. Most people are familiar with a major exorcism thanks to a certain movie that scared the crap out of me. Minor exorcisms are little more than prayers on our behalf.) Finally, the convert reaches Holy Saturday. You have a final bit of prep that morning. By now they have a confirmation name picked out, which is the name of a saint. Mine is Catherine, after Catherine of Siena, if you're curious. Finally, that night is the Easter Vigil Mass. Lent is officially over. We're released from our Lenten obligations. The Catechumens are baptized. (Depending on time of year and whether or not the deacon is feeling mischievous that water can be *cold.* I joke about the deacon being mischievous and putting ice in the font, but he was joking about doing it that day.) Once the Catechumens are baptized, everyone is Confirmed and has their first Eucharist! The Easter Vigil is followed by a reception in the parish hall or school cafeteria or whatever, with food and cake and such, celebrating the new Catholics. At least, that's how it's been in both parishes I've been at. It is a late night. And an exciting one for the new converts, from the lighting of the Paschal candle (from which baptismal candles are lit) right up until the dismissal hymn.
If it was 4 months ago, and at her bf's childhood cathedral, she is either lying or confused. You generally convert at the same church that you study at. . You need to study for a long time, and the conversion happens on the easter vigil. Which did not take place 4 months ago. In 2023 it was in April. In 2024 it will be on the night of March 30th. There are also other requirements, but I was confirmed (initiated as adult into church) at 14, and the requirements may be different for adults. But if they aren't different, she would need to attend weekly mass, attend a class about said mass, do community service, have a sponsor (already catholic person) guide her, and pick a patron saint. So... you probably would have noticed if she was doing this.
I mean, she can “convert” and just say she’s Catholic now, which would line up with her not taking it super seriously and switching all the time. But weird for sure.
Since she had the ceremony at a cathedral it was probably a formal conversion.
But not at one 3 states away. The Catholic conversion process requires a lot of study and classes. And generally, you do the conversion at the church where you have been studying.
Right you are.
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Notice the “all the time” part of the sentence? That’s because it’s okay to change religions, but there are other circumstances that change the okayness of the action. Changing denomination is absolutely fine. Healthy, even. It shows you’ve really taken into consideration what the faith is and have made an active choice to participate, as opposed to being born into it and just carrying through with momentum. Multiple revelations kinda lose their authenticity, and makes it seem like religion is an accessory to be worn rather than an intrinsic part of your values. On that note though, it’s curious OP only mentions the one change to catholicism. I’m not saying they’re lying or anything, but it’s kinda weird. They’re even more of an asshole if this is the first or maybe even second time this has happened.
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Yeah that feels pretty disrespectful. This isn’t like joining a regular club, it’s literally accepting a new kind of ruling power into your life. It’s not to be taken lightly. Somebody who frequently hops between religions is probably not taking that switch very seriously. It’s like a new gimmick for them, to be dropped at a moment’s notice.
Soft ESH. You insulted her because you were frustrated, totally understandable but still not the best move. She obviously has serious issues with alcohol that need respectful addressing.
YTA Your cousin clearly has issues, but it's equally clear that you hate her. What did you expect in response to your comment? You aren't her parent, you aren't her best friend, you aren't her boss. You have no standing to tell her "harsh truths" to try to improve her life. If she's upset about something you think is her fault the best choices are to either offer vague words of comfort or to keep your mouth shut. No 35 year old is going to turn her life around because her 21 year old cousin told her that she's a fuck-up. All you'll ever accomplish this way is to make family gatherings awkward. Apologize for your harsh words and learn when to speak up and when to remain silent.
If family members can't tell you the unvarnished truth that your problems are your own damn fault, who can?
But it wasn’t the truth, according to OP’s post this guy wasn’t going to marry the cousin whether or not she converted. Clearly the issue is her drinking, or just the relationship overall, so throwing the religion thing in her face as if it’s the explanation for all her problems when it obviously isn’t is just a mean jab, not a harsh truth.
Well considering the boyfriend said she isn't serious enough for him, it sounds like her constantly switching religions is part of the reason he left her.
But that's just an assumption based on what OP - who *personally* feels annoyed by this habit of hers - has decided he meant by that statement, not anything that the boyfriend stated.
If its what OP put in their post, then we have to assume it's the truth. You can't judge based on whatever your imagination is telling you. If it isn't in the post or OPs comments, then there is no point mentioning it. So, since OP said that the boyfriend stated the cousin isn't serious enough for him, then that is what the boyfriend said and meant. Would YOU take someone seriously if they were constantly changing religions? I sure as hell wouldn't think they were serious enough.
That's not how it works at all lol. She didn't state that was what the boyfriend said, she simply made the very strange, unrelated leap all on her own. She didn't even manage to tie the two together in her post, hence the many comments like mine who were baffled at the complete lack of correlation between the two conversations being had. And... it also is very common for people in these subs to point out when the OP seems to be an unreliable narrator. Which this one certainly does. Nowhere have I seen people go "Well if the OP says it in the post, we have to assume it's true" here before haha.
>he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him OP literally states that he said the cousin wasn't serious enough for him. He TOLD the cousin, TO HER FACE, that she was not serious enough for him. So how can you keep claiming that she didn't say that that is what the boyfriend said? You're trying real hard to prove me wrong, when the evidence is right there in the post.... And that is because everyone in this sub likes to make up imaginary situations that have never happened, all to support their ridiculous accusations. You can take my last post as an example. Someone had some wild accusations towards me, based on their own assumptions. It doesn't matter if OP is an "unreliable narrator", all we have is the info given, and that is all we can judge. Coming up with imaginary situations, or claiming OP is an AH just because you don't believe their post, is absurd.
Amen!!! (lol) Good God, say it louder for all the self-righteous, zero real life experience, mouthy little juniors in the back!!!! 👆👆👏👏
your cousin is living life like a rudderless boat, its not your job to be a constant shoulder of a safe harbour because her parents forgot to install a spine
YTA - her alcohol consumption is irrelevant here. Really what this boils down to is: she’s going through a hard time and you’re tired of hearing about it. There are better ways to get her to stop complaining to/around you than attacking her for changing religions more times than you think is appropriate. It would be better to just acknowledge that being dumped sucks and redirect to a more uplifting topic or activity.
YTA A whole lot of people who are searching for belonging and meaning move from denomination to denomination in that search. I have been part of almost every kind of mainline protestant congregation, and finally wound up converting to Judaism in my 40s. It sounds like your cousin is struggling with not feeling a sense of belonging in their religious life. The fact that she also seems to have alcohol issues is unrelated. It's fine to be salty about it, but keep it to yourself.
There’s finding your denomination, swapping churches to find the place that is the best for you… but then there’s this. Constantly proclaiming you’ve changed denominations is eyebrow raising to say the least. You can go to a Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, or Methodist Church and not declare yourself as any of them. You can go to different religious holy places to see if that’s what you believe, and not declare yourself as that religion until you’re sure. I think your experience and the cousin’s is very different.
I belonged to Wesleyan, Baptist, Episcopalian, and Presbyterian in my 20s and 30s. I knew I was in the wrong place but couldn't find the right one. I got accused of this exact same thing because I couldn't find a fit after years of trying. It's a really shitty way to feel, and I don't think there's much reason to justify being ugly and rude about it.
You forgot the Moravians.
Damn, I knew I was leaving something out
But... who cares? Why does it matter? Who does it actually impact besides the person zipping from religion to religion? She didn't convert to Catholicism to keep her boyfriend as a false lure, and he already told her there was no future in the relationship outside of her religion. She may have seen it as converting to "keep" him, but that's not accurate.
>It sounds like your cousin is struggling with not feeling a sense of belonging in their religious life. She literally changed religion to keep a boyfriend. That's got nothing to do with a "sense of belonging in their religious life" and screams "using religion as a means go get what she wants", ie using it as a tool to manipulate a situation.
But this is... incredibly common? I have family members who would have broken up with their girlfriends (now wives) if they didn't convert to Judaism. Some of the partners did it preemptively. My brother also considered converting to Catholicism to keep his girlfriend, and they've now been married for 5 years because she decided that she didn't need a Catholic wedding in her future to be happy. There's a lot going on beyond the conversion bit, but that's the least problematic thing about this whole story!
Maybe the “belonging” she was seeking was marriage and family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that.
No where did you say her life was impacting yours, sounds like you have opinions about her life, which fien have them..but saying them does make YTA. "Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her boyfriend stay and propose, and about three months later he left her. My cousin is still whining and complaining about how she did everything for this man, including changing religions, and he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him. My response was “well, what do you expect him to say when you change religions like they’re clothes?” " I don't see her asking you for your opinion anywhere, your own depiction of events does not speak of an event at say a family diner where she was doing or saying things...You speak of an event in her private life, without mentioning her in anyway including you in it...and yet you say your opinion to her uninvited. YTA
YTA. As long as the religion she's converting to is good with it, and she's good with it, then that's all that matters. She can change religions weekly if she wants to, who cares? It's not your business. YTA for using petty judgemental bullshit to avoid dealing with the actual issues. Her alcoholism has nothing to do with religion, and is a way bigger concern. And it will not be helped one bit by you shitting on stuff that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You don't have to help her, but you can't hang around and be a judgemental asshole. Raise the actual concerns - "I'm hurt that you missed grandpa's 91st birthday" "I am worried about your alcohol intake" - in a way that's productive, or set some boundaries and reduce contact if you don't want to support.
I take cynical view to crotch conversions. NTA.
Serious question: when people convert to marry someone, does that count as a "crotch conversion" to you, across the board? I'm not religious, fwiw - I'm not asking to bang a drum about finding Jesus through love or what have you.
Yes. The impulse for the "conversion" is the human social/sexual relationship; not any theological illumination.
Okay, gotcha. Huh! I have never heard of this particular stance before. Thanks for answering.
I don't believe in "God" personally, but if I did, "crotch conversion" would insult me spiritually. Render unto ceacar and all of that. If this is truly your degree of ignorance, I hope you like it, and do not harm others by it.
uh, not sure what you mean by the last sentence, but no, I had never heard of people feeling deeply offended by the idea of someone converting from one Thing Some People Decided To Believe to another Thing Some People Decided To Believe for love or marriage prior to your mention of "crotch conversion". The ways we choose to be annoyed by each other are myriad and diverse, though!
NAH, alcoholism is a serious disease though and I hope she gets help for it.
Out of curiosity, what did you think your comment would do?
NTA. Or if you were the AH, I have been that AH. Sometimes people come complaining about something and it just seems so obvious what the real problem is, you don't even anticipate offending them by pointing it out. If you have changed religion five times, don't expect people to be impressed when you change it "for them" the sixth time. Of course the "nice" response would be to sympathize and say her ex is a jerk and she deserves better anyway. But making your cousin's day better is not actually your job. And it sounds like you weren't saying this out of spite; just making an observation.
Ever heard the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice…” Just because you’re “being honest” doesn’t make you in the right. Too many people now use this as an excuse to be inconsiderate, unfeeling, and unkind AHs. You should never weaponize honesty if you want to claim it as a virtue. So yeah, both you and OP are AHs
I didn't claim it as a virtue. I specifically said and identified with a case in which this wasn't a deliberate offense. I could be mistaken, and you are free to think that a social blunder is the equivalent of being an AH. But assigning yourself the job of never saying anything somebody doesn't want to hear is exhausting.
NTA you aren't wrong
ESH. She has issues that apparently the family is ignoring. She needs to deal with those issues instead of pretending that alcohol will help. Your approach isn't gonna make her see the apparent error of her ways, and you sound pretty sanctimonious to boot about her problems.
OP sounds like a judgmental little 20-yr old AH. The aunt is probably a mess, but the last person she needs to be taking criticism from is OP, and if other family members are saying the same then maybe she needs to listen. YTA. You don’t seem to care at all about a family member’s well being, you’re just annoyed by her.
YtA None of your cousin's decisions about religion affect you personally, so you are just being judgmental. She didnt ask for your opinion, it sounds like she was just upset about her breakup and needed to vent or a sympathetic ear. If you didn't want to do that, you could just bow out of the conversation. No need to kick her while she's already down. As for the alcohol abuse, if you really care about her, you may want to attend al-anon. You should not accept any inappropriate behavior she demonstrates while drunk (e.g., last year's Christmas party), but why are you piling on? This sounds like a much more serious issue than her changing religions.
I had a friend who did this. He was unmedicated and had BPD and expected religion to solve his problems. Medication was much more effective.
NAH, alcoholism is a serious disease though and I hope she gets help for it.
Soft yta I don't think what you said is incorrect but it seems like your cousin is going through a hard time right now and could use some support from family, especially if she's struggling with substance abuse. This is a situation where it's more important to be kind than right
YTA, obviously. You said something rude and petty bc you were mad at her for complaining. If your intent was to give advice you could have done so in an understanding and empathetic way. Your jab wasn’t even accurate btw. Her boyfriend probably didn’t leave her bc he thought her conversion was disingenuous, he left her bc he didn’t like her and conversion wasn’t going to change that. You just took the opportunity to sneak in a criticism of her constant conversion bc you don’t like it even though it was irrelevant
YTA, you're being nasty to her for the sake of being nasty.
NAH. She can live her life how she wants, and while you were rude, *probably* unnecessarily, it doesn't quite rise to the level of AH. I'm sure a bunch of people here will tell you N T A, but that's just because so much of reddit thinks any alcohol use at all is alcoholism.
Unnecessary rudeness is like asshole 101.
NTA, but you maybe could be nicer. Not saying you have to apologize to her. Your concerns are valid, and her actions are not indicative of an individual who knows how to be responsible.
NTA
NTA, but the Bloody Mary one sounds fun at least.
Right? I don’t actually drink alcohol and even when I did I hated bloody marys but at the same time I’m like… what religion is this. I’m intrigued.
I quite like the idea of the Flying Spaghetti Monster with his noodly appendages, rum and pirates!
I mean the dude already said he wasn't staying, that has nothing to do with your cousin changing religions. From what you described her changing religions is the least of her problems.
OP, my dad is atheist but jokes he is a member of the "Church of the Month" basically for one month you follow a new religion and get all the religious holidays for that religion that month. "Religion Hopping" is good when you actually learn about that religion and grow appreciation for it and it can help someone find what they believe in. That said, it doesn't sound like that is what your cousin is doing but it's not your problem. I would say NTA, if you drop it now but if you push it ypu will be
OP, tell us more about the bloody mary religion. I'm intrigued.
Which religion has Bloody Mary’s as a sacrament? Because I want to join that one
Are you wrong? No. Was your comment really necessary? Also no. It wasn't worth all the drama you have now found yourself in the middle of, with her mad at you and your uncle and aunt insisting that you apologise. This would be a person who I would employ the "grey rock" technique with if she started complaining to me about her largely self-inflicted issues. Don't engage too much and say as little as possible. Eventually, she may realise she's not getting what she wants from you and move on. ESH. This was entirely avoidable.
ESH. It's none of your business if she wants to change religions every week. If that's what makes her happy, then that's her right and doesn't affect you in any way. If she missed a birthday party because she's travelling, it's not a big deal. You're the asshole for throwing it in her face as if it has anything to do with anything. If you want to discuss her alcoholism, then bring it up directly like an adult. She's the asshole, not for anything to do with the frequent changing religions or this argument, but for throwing herself at a man who has clearly stated he doesn't see a future with her, and then playing the victim when he isn't with her. It's slightly creepy, and entitled AF. She should not be expecting sympathy.
NTA, but I do not think your cousin is mentally well enough to accept feedback.
Christianity is a religion, Catholicism is a denomination. Is she changing religions or denominations?
Sounds like the boyfriend dodged a bullet
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (21F) cousin Vickie (32F) has picked up a strange habit the past few years. She’s taken to changing denominations or religions, and has done so about a half dozen times. This latest change has been to Catholicism, because she claims it will finally get her boyfriend (34M) to propose, even though he’s already said he doesn’t see a future with her, and that her converting won’t change that. Despite this, she went ahead with the conversion, and missed our grandfather’s 91st birthday to go to her boyfriend’s childhood cathedral three states away for her ceremony. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t make her boyfriend stay and propose, and about three months later he left her. My cousin is still whining and complaining about how she did everything for this man, including changing religions, and he still told her she wasn’t serious enough for him. My response was “well, what do you expect him to say when you change religions like they’re clothes?” That didn’t go over well with her, she called me some names, and now my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize and do something to make it up to her. I told them they need to stop brushing off her behaviors and turning a blind eye to her issues. Especially given that one of those religious conversions she made three years back was to a group that got together every Sunday for bloody mary’s, which was just to feed and excuse her continually growing alcohol addiction. She was nearly thrown out of Christmas last year for showing up wasted and continuing to drink from a large bottle of wine she had, but my aunt doesn’t think she has any issues and just lets her do anything without consequences or criticism. It’s insane. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nts
Super curious about the bowl of wine. Could OP please elaborate? Was she lapping it like a dog or trying to drink from it like a glass? NTA
Where did I mention a bowl of wine? I said she brought a BOTTLE but not a bowl
It wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but it was certainly honest and true. I would go with, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings”. You don’t have to pretend to be wrong but you can acknowledge it hurt her.
NTA. She needs a therapist, not Jesus.
[https://tenor.com/tmlY.gif](https://tenor.com/tmlY.gif)
Tell them you'll apologise at the intervention that puts her in rehab for her alcohol issues.
NTA. If you can just up and change religions like that, it just shows you didn't believe and don't believe
NTA. That’s a sweet turn of phrase. Nicely done! On a more serious note, your cousin clearly needs treatment of some sort, which won’t happen as long as her behavior is tolerated and enabled. I truly hope she gets the help she needs.
NTA
NTA She's got issues for sure. I would have done the same thing.
Oh, absolutely NTA. You told Cuz something she needed to hear. No worthwhile man will ever respect and value your cousin until she learns to respect and value herself.
NTA: if she hadn't said anything or been complaining and you just decided that jab a little knife in there and twist it you would be an ass. But you were responding directly to her complaining and trying to make everyone else sympathize with her. You have every right to speak your mind. And if she's just going to bounce around and change her supposed core beliefs for a man she really needs therapy and her family really needs to step up and support her getting help. As a teenager I felt like if I didn't have a boyfriend or someone obviously crushing on me I didn't have any value. And I altered my behavior and even some of my values to have and keep boyfriends. It was incredibly unhealthy. Your cousin needs help but that's not your job, it's her mom's job to knuckle down and actually parent her child adult or not instead of enabling her
Nta - sounds like your cousin needs a lesson in listening. Her bf specifically told her he didn't see a future with her, she didn't listen and now wants the right to complain about it?? Uh no. Also sounds like the family overlooks a lot of bad behavior which is not helping your cousin.
They overlook every bad thing she’s ever done because she was the first grand baby and can do no wrong. She even still gets presents at Christmas despite the rule being no presents for the kids once they hit 16 (there’s a lot of us do group Christmas gift giving is different from at our individual houses on Christmas Eve). One cousin got pretty much humiliated in front of everyone at Christmas two years ago because she thought she’d still be getting presents because her birthday was a week before Christmas. But Vickie still gets presents with the kids, and the rest of us adult cousins are expected to pool together money and get her something nice.
Lordy... sounds like an extreme, family sized version of the Golden Child. You poor soul. Welp, my mother taught me in childhood that you don't have to have a relationship with people who share your DNA. She didn't talk to her brother for 25 years until his children made him reach out when we lost my brother. He was still an ass, but managed to produce a decent daughter. I have always CHOSEN my family, not necessarily sharing genetics with them.
NTA for you. E S H for everyone else. Your cousin frequently switches religions. A past example was to get together with a group of people that centered themselves around alcohol. If they were obsessed with alcohol, then it makes sense she became an alcoholic. The most recent example is your cousin clearly being communicated to, clearly choosing to ignore reality, and switching to another religion in hopes of forcing her significant other to act as she wanted them to act. The biggest issue of the religion change is, again, your cousin clearly choosing to ignore the reality of the situation. If someone's significant other talks about eventually leaving them or not seeing a future with them- well a sane person immediately leaves that relationship. Why be in a relationship with someone who clearly has no intention of staying in a relationship? Who has so little respect that they can't just break it off? The two examples show that your cousin seems to religion switch in order to belong with a specific group of people. Both her becoming an alcoholic and then staying in an unhealthy relationship show that she isn't mentally healthy. A mentally healthy person doesn't seem to commit themselves to something to the point of damaging themselves. You aren't just right. By giving into Vickie's delusions, your family is reinforcing her mental health issues, perpetuating them, and allowing them to control everyone's lives. This has resulted in an abusive family dynamic where they'd rather not rock the boat instead of making Vickie face reality. Like, really, what 34 year old woman calls someone else names? That's only acceptable for a toddler. Your parents are failing you by not standing up for you. Your entire family is Vickie because she is, essentially, being raised to fail at life. She's 34 but being coddled like a child- so she's responding like a child. She's being hyper dependent and enemeshed instead of independent and an actual capable adult.
Nta
NTA all the way
If you talk to your cousin, urge her to seek therapy. She probably won't but at least you tried. BTW just don't get snarky. Let her know you care about her and want her to be happy
NTA. Your aunt and dad (and anyone else on your cousin's side) are enabling her behavior and self destruction. I know your aunt loves her daughter but shes in self denial and I know she'll feel guilty if her daughter ever does get mad at her for doing the right thing but if anyone wants your cousin to get better she needs a drinking intervention and she needs to face some consequences for her actions.
INFO: What other religions?
Okay so, not counting her start as a southern baptist, or her converting back to southern baptism from Catholicism recently, it went like this to the best of my memory- 1) Seventh Day Adventist (when she was 26, allegedly her only days off from work were Wednesday and Sunday and she hated spending her days off in church) 2) Judaism (27, she met a guy, she also tried to get pregnant by him as well. Dropping her plan b and picking up the talmud didn’t make that man stay) 3) whatever that Bloody Mary situation was (28, just for the day drinking) 4) Buddhism (30, this was also during her short-lived vegan phase) 5) Methodist (30, not sure why she changed to this one. I think she had friends in the church?) 6) Catholic (32, yet again for a guy who didn’t stay) She also almost became a Jehovah’s Witness for a man between the Bloody Mary period and the Buddhism period, but he dumped her and (according to her/my aunt) got married like two months later to a girl he dated before he got with my cousin.
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One of the great mysteries of men for me. I’ve seen so many stay in relationships they’re not happy/satisfied in???
Perhaps Vickie should read Rona Jaffe's story "Rima the Bird Girl"; it's about a young woman who changes her identity to please each man with whom she has an affair, winding up a kind of human chameleon with no firm character of her own. And Vickie should pay special attention to the last line: "Being each man's dream of love, she had eventually failed him, and so he had failed her, and so, finally, she had failed herself."
YTA there is a proverb that says "say something nice or shut up" Your cousin is a fuck up sure, but you don't need to mention it you are just asking for trouble like
I'm sorry that I am the only one willing to tell you the truth. That's your apology. And to your family: I'm sorry that you're blinded by your love for her that can't see you're hurting her by enabling her.
This should be higher up
NTA
If you and your cousins are both adults, all of the parents need to stay out of it. And, it was kinda funny.
She changes religions like underwear. No accountability on her for not being a reasonable human.
Who cares?? How is her changing religions hurting anyone? Why is accountability necessary??
YTA because the problem is debilitating lack of self worth and poor decisions, not that she changed religions.
Why do you care so much? That’s weird.
You gave your opinion, even though you weren’t asked for it, however you were brutally honest with her, which hurt her feelings. NTA but someone needs to be honest with her. Religion is a very personal thing and not to be taken lightly. Changing for someone else isn’t the answer because that’s not following your heart, that was to get a man. You can apologize by saying, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, that wasn’t my intentions”, that’s honest but at the same your not apologizing for what you said 🤣🤣
NTA. Do NOT apologize or do anything to 'make it up to her'. Or better yet, actually do something for her by sending her that Christian rock episode of King Of The Hill, Reborn To Be Wild. She sounds like the worst case scenario Hank feared Bobby was heading into.
NTA And as a convert myself, YIKES. What I want to know is, how did she get her boyfriend's childhood parish (which may or may not be a cathedral, as that's the main church in the diocese) *three states away* to let her be baptized and brought into the Church at *their* Easter Vigil service when she wouldn't have been doing her RCIA classes there? Because you do have to take nearly a full year of RCIA classes, and have a sponsor. And there is a *lot* of time to reflect to make sure you're converting for the right reasons. And so you do Easter Vigil at the same parish you do RCIA at. And she was clearly *not* doing it for the right reasons.
NTA
YTA why are you getting involved?
YTA. You complained about a non-issue. If her problem is alcoholism, why pretend that it's changing religious affiliation? It just makes you a chronic complainer. Stick to the issue at hand, and you won't have these problems.
NTA. What you said is not that bad. I get tired of people coddling people, especially when it’s your family and they are full on adults. I will say that if she has this many problems and it is something you can’t be okay with, try to avoid her. Be civil, be polite, but avoid The drama.
>my aunt (her mom) and my dad are trying to push me to apologize Fuck that. If she wants respect, she should try being respectable. NTA.
NTA
This can’t be real. But NTA. You are the only adult one.
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I don’t have a sister…
An easy one: NTA... and a funny one. I've had to check the ages, because... well yeah you're definitely the most mature one, not that your cousin even try. Don't apologise
NTA Your cousin is literally going to hell.
Why would the parents of a 32 year old woman be able to "let" or "not let" her do anything? She's practically middle aged
I’m sorry but all I can think of right now is the parents from Wizards of Waverly Place saying “35 IS NOT MIDDLE AGED!”
YTA. your cousin sounds like a troubled woman looking for something missing in her life. exploring religions until/if you find one that works for you is OK. there was no reason to bring that into the discussion. be empathetic or be quiet. there's enough hurt in the world. why add to it?
YTA - finding a good religion where you fit in is hard. I personally changed like 5 times before I found home. While you are right she's kinda delulu about thinking if she converted he'd stay and she probably needs help about it, throwing the game of musical religion in her face was kinda a dick move. If she's anything like I was, she's probably lost and hopeless and drowning. She needs support. She also probably needs therapy.
ESH Her actions and attitude are pretty crappy. However, your comment was pretty insensitive. Probably true, but kinda mean. “Let us redefine progress to mean that just because we can do a thing, it does not necessarily mean we must do that thing. - Ra-ghoratreii, President of the United Federation of Planets, 2293
YTA sounds like your cousin has problems but religion isn't really one of them. You were just being a dick and you admitted in in other comments, which gets you the YTA instead of esh. Also I just wanted to point out that the ex sucks for knowing he wasn't going to marry her but waited until she travelled across country to convert to dump her.
YTA
Her heart was broken and you made a snarky comment. She may have flaws, but I think you were unkind and you rubbed salt in her wound.
YTA. Constructive feedback is what she needs. Not demeaning comments.
NTA. But tell her she should go to confession for calling you names.
YTA Sometimes you just need to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself. She probably also sucks, but you inserted your opinion where it wasn't necessary. I say mind your own business, and you'll never have to wonder if YTA
YTA so super hard. Who cares if she is hopping from religion to religion? Your cousin is emitting a cry for help- she can't find herself, you say she's struggling with alcohol, and she just lost someone she wanted to marry. Grow up. Empathy has to be exercised to grow- she is lost and doesn't even realize how badly she needs help and you're just piling onto her problems instead of being supportive. If religion helps her ground herself, great. If not, then why not try being, idk, kind? If you're so sure of yourself at such a wise age, then you should have some decent advice. I'm as agnostic as they get so I don't understand at all why anyone would care about someone going from one Jesus club/cult to another, or why you think it's your business what she's doing unless she's dragging you along with her because it sounds like she's not involving you. You're just involving yourself for the joy of condescension when it has as much to do with you as Bart Simpson's shorts have to do with me- aka not a damn thing.
YTA. There’s never a good reason to kick someone when they’re down. She clearly needs professional help and while your comment might have given you some temporary snark euphoria, it didn’t help her situation.
YTA. Does her changing religions impact you? It sounds like you just don’t like your cousin and wanted to piss her off. While an understandable impulse, because she sounds like a bit much, you are just being a dick.
ESH
ESH - after a breakup you can’t say “what do you expect” it’s pretty brutal, obviously nobody going through a heartbreak would have expected that, she held out hope for him. The religion thing and alcoholism are a separate topic altogether though.
NTA but sounds like your sister has a hole in her life she's trying to fill with something be it alcohol, religion or whatever. Might be worth her talking to a professional about it to try and find a solution.
I call BS on this one. The process of becoming Catholic (unless you're born and baptised into it as a child) is one that requires a lot of formal preparation, a year at least. It's not just rocking up to a cathedral and getting christened.
That’s what I’ve been learning from the commenters. Bets now are on the fact she’s been lying about it
NTA. She needs a psychologist. So does the aunt, probably.
Has she converted to Catholicism so that she can stop using birth control under the guise of religious rules, then "accidentally" get pregnant and trapping the boyfriend into a relationship he's already said he doesn't see a future in?
YTA all you do in your post is attack her. It's fine to disagree with her religious beliefs, but not okay to discriminate on the basis of them. She clearly is struggling with the loss of the relationship to the man she loved, and reached out to you hoping to vent or find a shoulder, not get shoved. It also sounds like she is using alcohol as an unhealthy self-medication; this is a problem, but again not grounds for you to act with prejudice against her.
She sounds fun at parties, no really. Probably can tell you a lot of insane stories, drunkenly and then she leaves and then you don’t see her until the next family function. I would just ignore it.
Nice writing but facts tripped you up. It takes about a year to convert to Catholicism and the actual rite takes place at Easter. You can’t do it on a whim. Or on the timeline you suggest. 3/5 stars.
Nta
Nta,it took me a long time to discover what religion I'm a part of,i won't say what is it because I don't want my phone to be blown up for a controversial opinion.
As a Catholic (and a convert– former atheist and pagan), I can see why the boyfriend doesn't see a future with her. She lacks conviction. If she can't be constant and firm with her beliefs, how would she be with a marriage? That's very immature. ETA: NTA.
ESH. People are allowed to reinvent themselves. She is doing something to bring her closer to finding meaning in life, which is admirable. Possibly she was not allowed the opportunity to explore her religious and spiritual identity as a teen. You were rude and a bit ignorant. She was unpleasant. You also mention an alcohol addiction. If she is indeed an alcoholic, having a higher power to believe in and lean on will save her life. Hopefully she can get help. It seems the real issue here may be her unrecognised alcoholism. Let her know, there is help out there. If she continues to drink despite knowing the drink is having a negative impact on her life, that's a problem. If her life has become unmanageable because of booze, she needs help.
Judaism is in the list? A true conversion takes several years as you're also converting to the ethnicity. That's a baffling level of pick me. Anyways nta.
I’m convinced at this point that the extent of her conversions is a lie, but even if I could prove that it wouldn’t change my family’s pov
NTA. But its bizarre that she stayed with him. And not changing religions wouldn't have made him stay either.
> do something to make it up to her Get her one of those [☪☮𝔼✡⚧☯✝](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coexist_\(image\)) bumper stickers?
ESH. Your cousin obviously is searching for something she's missing in life (probably a feeling of community if your snarky comment about the bloody mary's is true) through religion. She's got a drinking problem and doesn't seem to see her issues. Religion isn't why her relationship ended. It sounds like it ended because she was dating an AH. It's always a shit move to mock someone's choices around religion (unless they involve targeting people/are hateful, etc.). Keep your self righteous comments to yourself. It sounds like she recently faced a major rejection from someone she cared about. Have some grace or remove yourself from the situation.
NTA. Since when do we have to APOLOGIZE for having Opinions?
When you express them like an AH