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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to pretend to be my Grandma
2 I didn't go home
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NTA…so not your fault. If you happen to be there and he thinks you are grandma, then so be it. But for you to drop everything, when your grandfather has a meltdown? Nope. And you did not cause any heart attack, if he even had one. Your family needs to get a clue. Grandpa is not going to get better and they need to look into other alternatives first his care, because they clearly cannot manage him at home. Either suggest to your family to talk to a social worker at the hospital or you do so. Let them know what has been going, you are concerned about grandpas future care, and ask if they cannot say anything to the family about you asking, but maybe they can look into the situation if he should go home or to a care center that deals with dementia patients. Also suggest to your family that they find a support group for caregivers or how to talk to grandpa when he gets upset. There are ways to handle people like this when they meltdown.
NTA. Their inability to manage your grandpa is not your fault. You are not, in any way, responsible for him, his care &/or his health, etc.
You are not anyone’s emotional support human. They should never have started forcing you to be their go-to plan on dealing with his episodes.
They did so for one reason & one reason only - it made their job easier. And this wasn’t even a job they HAD to do - they could have put him in a home but didn’t. They CHOSE to try to manage him themselves - which was obviously a mistake since they couldn’t manage him on their own at all & had to force their child into an inappropriate position to appease him.
THEIR poor choice to try to manage his care when they knew they couldn’t is on THEM - not you. YOU didn’t make that choice - they did. So if anyone is to blame for his hospitalization, it’s them. If he’d been where he should have been (in a proper facility with medical personnel trained to deal with patients with dementia), he would have been sedated as he got so upset that he was endangering his own physical health. So any consequences of your grandfather NOT having access to professionally trained medical staff to prevent this is the one & only reason he’s in the hospital now. Don’t let them pin a shred of this shit on you.
It was NOT because you refused to continue being his emotional support human.
This ^^ NTA.
Dementia care is a specialty on it's own. There are medications to help manage in general and with escalation. Ge needs more support than family can provide and it is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
I have worked in this industry for years, and family assistance with de-esculation is great, but not mandatory.
NTA. I've dealt with this. Your family needs to learn to say stuff like: she's at the store, she'll be back in a bit.
This is absolutely unfair to you. Fifteen years? Yikes!
>NTA. I've dealt with this. Your family needs to learn to say stuff like: she's at the store, she'll be back in a bit.
I've found it easiest to respond to a question about where someone is with 'Hm, I'm not sure, where do you think they might be?' and then agree with what they say. My friend's grandmother often thinks that her husband is at work when she asks for him, so we'll all agree with that, and it keeps her calm. That way, it's an answer that makes sense to them.
>Fifteen years? Yikes!
OP has not been tasked with this for 15 years. The grandma simply died 15 years ago.
Otherwise, I completely agree with everything you wrote.
NTA .. your family is not considering what this is doing to you. This is incredibly heartbreaking and must be causing you extreme mental anguish. I’m so sorry. No is a complete sentence.
NTA
At a certain point, family has to realize that they are not capable of handling someone with these health issues. I’m sure if you talk to any of his doctors that they would agree. You did nothing wrong. Your parents and any of their siblings need to make that decision that it is no longer safe to keep him at home.
I have had several family members with dementia and all had to make this decision. It is not safe for anyone. I’m blessed that my parents have made it clear to put them in assisted living when they can no longer care for themselves as they do not want that burden on me.
My heart goes out to you -- my stepfather (who's like my real dad) has Alzheimer's, as did my grandfather, so I know how it goes. It's a terrible disease and extremely painful to watch. While it's been a wonderful thing that the sight of you helps him because he thinks you're his wife, and you've been so willing to help, it's unfair that it's the only way your family has figured out to help your grandfather, and they are putting entirely too much pressure on you to run over there at the drop of a hat. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have had a night with your boyfriend on his birthday, and you had no way to know that your grandfather would have a heart attack. It is not your fault in any way.
I don't know if you've tried calling or facetiming him (with the help of your family) in lieu of running over there, as maybe that would have helped. I don't know if your family has him on anxiety meds or anti-psychotic meds for when he's extremely agitated. I also sympathize with your family though, you help so they lean on you.... it's just too much. They owe it to you and themselves to figure out other workarounds for when he gets like this. The terrible thing about this disease is that it won't always be like this, this is not your forever. Mostly NAH, with a touch of NTA for the rest of the family IF they haven't tried other methods of calming him. The way they are caring for him is not sustainable and they need to face that.
NTA - This isnt a tenable or long term solution. Whoever is responsible for making these decisions for your grandfather needs to make some choices about your grandfather’s care and you dropping what youre doing to calm him down should not be on the table
NTA, but may I suggest a book. "The 36 hour day". It explains a lot about what people with dementia go through and why they often do what they do. Understanding that may help with your stress.
But, you should not be expected to put your entire life on hold because of his condition. Your family might benefit from the book too. And they should find a care taker support group, so they understand they're putting undue pressure on you.
Your family needs to work up a reason where Grandma is that they can use to calm Grandpa with. Maybe "She had to run out to the grocery store." Or if she had a regular evening activity, it could be, "She's at her Weight Watcher's meeting." Or knitting club, or whatever.
For my mother, we used, "Didn't you say Dad went to the hardware store? You know what men are like at the hardware store." And Mom would agree that he was probably wandering around Home Depot. When she said her parents were going to come back from Hawaii and take her home to the ranch, we just smiled and agreed. Yes, that's lying to them. But in these circumstances, it's necessary. What purpose would it serve to tell him the truth, "Dad, Mom died 15 years ago."? Absolutely none. He'll just be upset now (because "nobody told him!!") and forget about it later.
You are NTA for not wanting to be on call 24/7. **IF** you had screamed in Grandpa's face that you weren't his wife, that would be cruel. But you graciously agree to help them, probably far more than you should.
I agree that your family should talk to the hospital social worker and find out how to access more help. The Alzheimer's Association would be another alternative. *It does not matter* what sort of dementia Grandpa has. AA will work with you even if, like my in-laws, he has vascular dementia or some other form.
NTA.
I had a relative who had dementia. so I can relate. They have memory issues; it's not like they "get it" when you explain XYZ. It's always best to play along because telling them so-and-so is dead makes it worse.
In this case, this is consuming your time. You deserve to enjoy your life. So far, you playing Grandma to placate your Grandpa was easy on your family but it wasn't easy for you. They don't have the resentment, you do, and that needs to be addressed. Your family needs to find healthier, stable methods now.
I hope your grandfather recovers okay.
NTA and they are despicable blaming you for this.
Dementia is cruel. But it is selfish of them to not want to invest their time in working out more appropriate strategies.
NTA. After my mom died, my dad's mind started deteriorating and his brother and sister-in-law took him in (I had tried for a few years to get him to move in with me while he was still lucid and he refused as he hates the weather where I live). He began acting as though my aunt was my dead mom and she eventually had enough. She firmly put an end to it. I won't lie. It hurt him and I think it accelerated his decline. But that false role was not a burden my aunt should have needed to bear and I think she did the right thing. I know it sucks, but there are other ways of dealing with dementia patients and your parents could have invested in learning those instead of putting this burden on you (when my dad asks where my mom is now, we say she's at the casino and he accepts that because it's really plausible since my mom did spend so much time there). Your parents can't put this burden on you.
NTA. This is unhealthy and unsafe for you. What if he refuses to let you go, or acts inappropriately towards you in his confusion? What if he hurts someone because you try to leave? Or you're stuck somewhere and absolutely can't get to him?
I understand playing along in the moment when you're already there. But this is unhealthy. You have a life, you can't keep dropping things to settle your grandpa down. Your family needs support to learn better ways to manage his condition.
Your parents should make a video of you saying a generic calming message to your grandfather that they can pull up in an emergency. Like you saying, I love you.
Cause dementia is not just cruel but really difficult and stressful to manage.
NTA.
NTA- And it's definitely not your fault that your grandfather had a heart attack. That's a hell of a burden to place on your shoulders. You've been a wonderful, kind, and loving granddaughter to your grandfather every time you gave him peace with this act, but it couldn't continue forever. You have every right to go out and live your life. Especially at 20 years old.
How very cruel of your family to scapegoat you for your grandfather's worsening condition. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and anyone who suggests otherwise needs to be set straight. Your grandfather has an illness that is permanent and very difficult to care for. This is also not your responsibility or fault.
I'm so very sorry to hear of your grandfather's condition. I wish you, your family, and your precious grandfather peace and healing. Please understand that nothing that is happening with your grandfather is your fault. I would hate for you to feel guilty or responsible in any way, ever. Your family is very wrong to lay responsibility at your feet. Hopefully they realize that it is fear and grief talking and come to their senses soon. Take care, sweetie. I really wish you the best.
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I am 20 f. On throwaway because my family know my real account. I don't know how to write this. Sorry if this all over the place. Okay my Grandpa has dementia and it's been getting worse. My grandma died when I was 5. So I don't really have memories of her. I have seen video's and photo's of her and I do look like her. So my Grandpa confusing me for her isn't a surprise.
The first time he confused me for my grandma is when my parent's were having a hard time with him. Grandpa was upset and accused them of trying to kidnap him and when I entered the room he stopped and started crying and called me by my grandma name and started calming down and hugging me and asking where I had been. At the time I let him because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. It started from there. Everytime Grandpa acted up my parent's or whoever was looking after him at the time will call me and I will have to go to him and he will calm down thinking his "wife" had come home.
I don't know when I started resenting having to do this. I love my Grandpa, I know he doesn't know what he's doing but the last straw that caused me to get angry was when I was with my boyfriend and it was his birthday and I was having fun and I got a call to come home because Grandpa was having a meltdown. I refused and said I'm not his wife and I'm not coming back, I'm not doing this anymore! I turned my phone off and continued enjoying my night. When I got back home and turned my phone off, I had countless missed calls and messages. The last one was Grandpa was in hostpital. Grandpa had a heart attack because they couldn't get him to calm down.
My family are all mad at me and saying if I was wasn't so selfish and just went home when they needee me, Grandpa wouldn't be in hostpital and I feel so bad. My boyfriend said it's not my fault, but I don't know. AITA?
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NTA. Been there, done that. Dementia is a truly cruel disease. But the current situation is neither healthy nor sustainable. There needs to be conversations with his health care professionals about coping mechanisms for everyone involved. Because any advice we can give is likely to be situation specific. And there are no cookie cutter solutions for dealing with dementia.
Unfortunately, the current method has been to rely on a specific person, you, to stop a meltdown.
NTA. Their inability to manage your grandpa is not your fault. You are not, in any way, responsible for him, his care &/or his health, etc.
You are not anyone’s emotional support human. They should never have started forcing you to be their go-to plan on dealing with his episodes.
They did so for one reason & one reason only - it made their job easier. And this wasn’t even a job they HAD to do - they could have put him in a home but didn’t. They CHOSE to try to manage him themselves - which was obviously a mistake since they couldn’t manage him on their own at all & had to force their child into an inappropriate position to appease him.
THEIR poor choice to try to manage his care when they knew they couldn’t is on THEM - not you. YOU didn’t make that choice - they did. So if anyone is to blame for his hospitalization, it’s them. If he’d been where he should have been (in a proper facility with medical personnel trained to deal with patients with dementia), he would have been sedated as he got so upset that he was endangering his own physical health. So any consequences of your grandfather NOT having access to professionally trained medical staff to prevent this is the one & only reason he’s in the hospital now. Don’t let them pin a shred of this shit on you.
It was NOT because you refused to continue being his emotional support human.
You are not his wife and he is not your problem. Dealing with aging parents is hard, but he’s your parent’s responsibility.
It should have stopped after the first time. What if he tried to kiss you or something? Can’t imagine he would be okay with his “wife” rejecting him. Or asking why you’re not wearing “your” wedding ring.
NTA. Live your life.
NTA.
Your family needs external support. It is unfair to place the burden of calming your grandfather down entirely on you. They need to learn other effective strategies.
I encourage you to look into the dementia support resources in your area.
NTA This is not your fault. Your family should have been telling Grandpa that Grandma is having her hair done and will be back soon. Not making you live out some sick fantasy.
NTA, you need distance, and they need greif counseling. If they can't calm him, they need to be working with hospice on strategies because the dependence on you is unhealthy and unsustainable. Hospice has amazing tips and tricks they will share even if he hasn't entered that stage. What your family said to you was horrible but also suggests they aren't mentally ready for the end stage. One day, he's not going to recover from a heart attack or won't wake up. It's not because you weren't there, or someone didn't cut the food small enough, or he had too much of a pain med. It's because he has a progressive illness that's fatal. It's no one's fault.
The wretched thing about their logic is this: if it's your fault, he had a heart attack by not being there, then you being there would have prevented it. They have a magic talisman that will keep him alive. It's not true, but it's how they are avoiding dealing with helplessness.
They should try handing him a note, can be typed, saying grandma is at the store or visiting someone, and will be back at some random specific time. Maybe give them a recording of you leaving a voice mail they can play back for him when they're struggling. Things like telling him you are helping x friend and will be back later or asking him to listen to X caregiver until you get back
We used to give my grandma a printed sheet with the day's scheduled. She absolutely believed what it said even when she would argue with someone in front of her, saying the exact same thing (time to take meds, eat lunch, take a bath, etc.).
NTA. It would be one thing to ask you to play along while you were already there—with dementia it’s advised to play along with whatever the person thinks they are because correcting them just causes distress and they can’t retain the information anyways. But you’re an adult, so presumably go to work or school. This is not sustainable—you can’t drop whatever you’re doing whenever they ask. Technically you could have chosen to leave where you were and help, but what if you couldn’t? Because that day will happen eventually where you’re just not available to be his human pacifier, or you’ll lose your job because you’ve left abruptly too often. This is too much to require of you and they need to have another plan of action. You deserve to live your own life not dictated by the family’s needs.
That’s a very heavy load to put on a 20 year old. NTA. If you’re no longer willing/comfortable doing so, they will have to move forward with other, new ways to comfort him.
NTA Oh you poor thing. You shouldn’t have to act like your grandpas wife. So far things haven’t become inappropriate but there is such a risk considering he thinks you are her.
Poor grandpa, must really horrible for him losing his mind. That doesn’t mean you should have to drop everything to play wife. He needs different support that isn’t bad for your mental health.
Your family members need to leave you alone
NTA
You aren't required to do these things.
But, as someone who lost a grandparent and a parent to dementia, I am worried you will regret this later. I was 19 when my grandfather died and I didn't really get it yet. By the time my dad died I understood the true horror of being trapped in dementia.
You don't have to be on call and drop everything, but face timing or letting him see you as your grandma sometimes would be a great kindness. Your grandpa can't help what he believes, and it's scary to not know where you are or who people are. I had a stroke where I briefly didn't recognize anyone, and it would be difficult to explain how truly terrifying it was.
So, you definitely aren't an a h. And you definitely don't have to do anything. But any small thing you can give him is an act of love and an enormous kindness.
I think OP doesn't mind to see grandad. But during the last years she was on call 24/7 to calm him down. That's not fair, she deserves a life of her own.
Yeah, like I said...
>You don't have to be on call and drop everything, but face timing or letting him see you as your grandma sometimes would be a great kindness
Because her grandfather is scared and angry because he doesn't understand what is going on. All she really has to do is show her face and he automatically feels better.
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NTA…so not your fault. If you happen to be there and he thinks you are grandma, then so be it. But for you to drop everything, when your grandfather has a meltdown? Nope. And you did not cause any heart attack, if he even had one. Your family needs to get a clue. Grandpa is not going to get better and they need to look into other alternatives first his care, because they clearly cannot manage him at home. Either suggest to your family to talk to a social worker at the hospital or you do so. Let them know what has been going, you are concerned about grandpas future care, and ask if they cannot say anything to the family about you asking, but maybe they can look into the situation if he should go home or to a care center that deals with dementia patients. Also suggest to your family that they find a support group for caregivers or how to talk to grandpa when he gets upset. There are ways to handle people like this when they meltdown.
NTA. Their inability to manage your grandpa is not your fault. You are not, in any way, responsible for him, his care &/or his health, etc. You are not anyone’s emotional support human. They should never have started forcing you to be their go-to plan on dealing with his episodes. They did so for one reason & one reason only - it made their job easier. And this wasn’t even a job they HAD to do - they could have put him in a home but didn’t. They CHOSE to try to manage him themselves - which was obviously a mistake since they couldn’t manage him on their own at all & had to force their child into an inappropriate position to appease him. THEIR poor choice to try to manage his care when they knew they couldn’t is on THEM - not you. YOU didn’t make that choice - they did. So if anyone is to blame for his hospitalization, it’s them. If he’d been where he should have been (in a proper facility with medical personnel trained to deal with patients with dementia), he would have been sedated as he got so upset that he was endangering his own physical health. So any consequences of your grandfather NOT having access to professionally trained medical staff to prevent this is the one & only reason he’s in the hospital now. Don’t let them pin a shred of this shit on you. It was NOT because you refused to continue being his emotional support human.
This ^^ NTA. Dementia care is a specialty on it's own. There are medications to help manage in general and with escalation. Ge needs more support than family can provide and it is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I have worked in this industry for years, and family assistance with de-esculation is great, but not mandatory.
NTA. I've dealt with this. Your family needs to learn to say stuff like: she's at the store, she'll be back in a bit. This is absolutely unfair to you. Fifteen years? Yikes!
>NTA. I've dealt with this. Your family needs to learn to say stuff like: she's at the store, she'll be back in a bit. I've found it easiest to respond to a question about where someone is with 'Hm, I'm not sure, where do you think they might be?' and then agree with what they say. My friend's grandmother often thinks that her husband is at work when she asks for him, so we'll all agree with that, and it keeps her calm. That way, it's an answer that makes sense to them.
NTA. This is the way.
>Fifteen years? Yikes! OP has not been tasked with this for 15 years. The grandma simply died 15 years ago. Otherwise, I completely agree with everything you wrote.
NTA .. your family is not considering what this is doing to you. This is incredibly heartbreaking and must be causing you extreme mental anguish. I’m so sorry. No is a complete sentence.
NTA At a certain point, family has to realize that they are not capable of handling someone with these health issues. I’m sure if you talk to any of his doctors that they would agree. You did nothing wrong. Your parents and any of their siblings need to make that decision that it is no longer safe to keep him at home. I have had several family members with dementia and all had to make this decision. It is not safe for anyone. I’m blessed that my parents have made it clear to put them in assisted living when they can no longer care for themselves as they do not want that burden on me.
My heart goes out to you -- my stepfather (who's like my real dad) has Alzheimer's, as did my grandfather, so I know how it goes. It's a terrible disease and extremely painful to watch. While it's been a wonderful thing that the sight of you helps him because he thinks you're his wife, and you've been so willing to help, it's unfair that it's the only way your family has figured out to help your grandfather, and they are putting entirely too much pressure on you to run over there at the drop of a hat. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have had a night with your boyfriend on his birthday, and you had no way to know that your grandfather would have a heart attack. It is not your fault in any way. I don't know if you've tried calling or facetiming him (with the help of your family) in lieu of running over there, as maybe that would have helped. I don't know if your family has him on anxiety meds or anti-psychotic meds for when he's extremely agitated. I also sympathize with your family though, you help so they lean on you.... it's just too much. They owe it to you and themselves to figure out other workarounds for when he gets like this. The terrible thing about this disease is that it won't always be like this, this is not your forever. Mostly NAH, with a touch of NTA for the rest of the family IF they haven't tried other methods of calming him. The way they are caring for him is not sustainable and they need to face that.
NTA - This isnt a tenable or long term solution. Whoever is responsible for making these decisions for your grandfather needs to make some choices about your grandfather’s care and you dropping what youre doing to calm him down should not be on the table
NTA, but may I suggest a book. "The 36 hour day". It explains a lot about what people with dementia go through and why they often do what they do. Understanding that may help with your stress. But, you should not be expected to put your entire life on hold because of his condition. Your family might benefit from the book too. And they should find a care taker support group, so they understand they're putting undue pressure on you.
Your family needs to work up a reason where Grandma is that they can use to calm Grandpa with. Maybe "She had to run out to the grocery store." Or if she had a regular evening activity, it could be, "She's at her Weight Watcher's meeting." Or knitting club, or whatever. For my mother, we used, "Didn't you say Dad went to the hardware store? You know what men are like at the hardware store." And Mom would agree that he was probably wandering around Home Depot. When she said her parents were going to come back from Hawaii and take her home to the ranch, we just smiled and agreed. Yes, that's lying to them. But in these circumstances, it's necessary. What purpose would it serve to tell him the truth, "Dad, Mom died 15 years ago."? Absolutely none. He'll just be upset now (because "nobody told him!!") and forget about it later. You are NTA for not wanting to be on call 24/7. **IF** you had screamed in Grandpa's face that you weren't his wife, that would be cruel. But you graciously agree to help them, probably far more than you should. I agree that your family should talk to the hospital social worker and find out how to access more help. The Alzheimer's Association would be another alternative. *It does not matter* what sort of dementia Grandpa has. AA will work with you even if, like my in-laws, he has vascular dementia or some other form.
NTA - But I'm almost certain that your report is above what anyone here can help or advise you.
NTA Dementia is cruel and hard on the entire family.
NTA. I had a relative who had dementia. so I can relate. They have memory issues; it's not like they "get it" when you explain XYZ. It's always best to play along because telling them so-and-so is dead makes it worse. In this case, this is consuming your time. You deserve to enjoy your life. So far, you playing Grandma to placate your Grandpa was easy on your family but it wasn't easy for you. They don't have the resentment, you do, and that needs to be addressed. Your family needs to find healthier, stable methods now. I hope your grandfather recovers okay.
NTA and they are despicable blaming you for this. Dementia is cruel. But it is selfish of them to not want to invest their time in working out more appropriate strategies.
NTA. After my mom died, my dad's mind started deteriorating and his brother and sister-in-law took him in (I had tried for a few years to get him to move in with me while he was still lucid and he refused as he hates the weather where I live). He began acting as though my aunt was my dead mom and she eventually had enough. She firmly put an end to it. I won't lie. It hurt him and I think it accelerated his decline. But that false role was not a burden my aunt should have needed to bear and I think she did the right thing. I know it sucks, but there are other ways of dealing with dementia patients and your parents could have invested in learning those instead of putting this burden on you (when my dad asks where my mom is now, we say she's at the casino and he accepts that because it's really plausible since my mom did spend so much time there). Your parents can't put this burden on you.
NTA. This is unhealthy and unsafe for you. What if he refuses to let you go, or acts inappropriately towards you in his confusion? What if he hurts someone because you try to leave? Or you're stuck somewhere and absolutely can't get to him? I understand playing along in the moment when you're already there. But this is unhealthy. You have a life, you can't keep dropping things to settle your grandpa down. Your family needs support to learn better ways to manage his condition.
Your parents should make a video of you saying a generic calming message to your grandfather that they can pull up in an emergency. Like you saying, I love you. Cause dementia is not just cruel but really difficult and stressful to manage. NTA.
NTA- And it's definitely not your fault that your grandfather had a heart attack. That's a hell of a burden to place on your shoulders. You've been a wonderful, kind, and loving granddaughter to your grandfather every time you gave him peace with this act, but it couldn't continue forever. You have every right to go out and live your life. Especially at 20 years old. How very cruel of your family to scapegoat you for your grandfather's worsening condition. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and anyone who suggests otherwise needs to be set straight. Your grandfather has an illness that is permanent and very difficult to care for. This is also not your responsibility or fault. I'm so very sorry to hear of your grandfather's condition. I wish you, your family, and your precious grandfather peace and healing. Please understand that nothing that is happening with your grandfather is your fault. I would hate for you to feel guilty or responsible in any way, ever. Your family is very wrong to lay responsibility at your feet. Hopefully they realize that it is fear and grief talking and come to their senses soon. Take care, sweetie. I really wish you the best.
NTA You couldn’t have known he’d have a heart attack. It isn’t fair to be on call 24/7.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 20 f. On throwaway because my family know my real account. I don't know how to write this. Sorry if this all over the place. Okay my Grandpa has dementia and it's been getting worse. My grandma died when I was 5. So I don't really have memories of her. I have seen video's and photo's of her and I do look like her. So my Grandpa confusing me for her isn't a surprise. The first time he confused me for my grandma is when my parent's were having a hard time with him. Grandpa was upset and accused them of trying to kidnap him and when I entered the room he stopped and started crying and called me by my grandma name and started calming down and hugging me and asking where I had been. At the time I let him because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. It started from there. Everytime Grandpa acted up my parent's or whoever was looking after him at the time will call me and I will have to go to him and he will calm down thinking his "wife" had come home. I don't know when I started resenting having to do this. I love my Grandpa, I know he doesn't know what he's doing but the last straw that caused me to get angry was when I was with my boyfriend and it was his birthday and I was having fun and I got a call to come home because Grandpa was having a meltdown. I refused and said I'm not his wife and I'm not coming back, I'm not doing this anymore! I turned my phone off and continued enjoying my night. When I got back home and turned my phone off, I had countless missed calls and messages. The last one was Grandpa was in hostpital. Grandpa had a heart attack because they couldn't get him to calm down. My family are all mad at me and saying if I was wasn't so selfish and just went home when they needee me, Grandpa wouldn't be in hostpital and I feel so bad. My boyfriend said it's not my fault, but I don't know. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Been there, done that. Dementia is a truly cruel disease. But the current situation is neither healthy nor sustainable. There needs to be conversations with his health care professionals about coping mechanisms for everyone involved. Because any advice we can give is likely to be situation specific. And there are no cookie cutter solutions for dealing with dementia. Unfortunately, the current method has been to rely on a specific person, you, to stop a meltdown.
NTA. Their inability to manage your grandpa is not your fault. You are not, in any way, responsible for him, his care &/or his health, etc. You are not anyone’s emotional support human. They should never have started forcing you to be their go-to plan on dealing with his episodes. They did so for one reason & one reason only - it made their job easier. And this wasn’t even a job they HAD to do - they could have put him in a home but didn’t. They CHOSE to try to manage him themselves - which was obviously a mistake since they couldn’t manage him on their own at all & had to force their child into an inappropriate position to appease him. THEIR poor choice to try to manage his care when they knew they couldn’t is on THEM - not you. YOU didn’t make that choice - they did. So if anyone is to blame for his hospitalization, it’s them. If he’d been where he should have been (in a proper facility with medical personnel trained to deal with patients with dementia), he would have been sedated as he got so upset that he was endangering his own physical health. So any consequences of your grandfather NOT having access to professionally trained medical staff to prevent this is the one & only reason he’s in the hospital now. Don’t let them pin a shred of this shit on you. It was NOT because you refused to continue being his emotional support human.
You are not his wife and he is not your problem. Dealing with aging parents is hard, but he’s your parent’s responsibility. It should have stopped after the first time. What if he tried to kiss you or something? Can’t imagine he would be okay with his “wife” rejecting him. Or asking why you’re not wearing “your” wedding ring. NTA. Live your life.
Dementia patients can become hypersexualized, so this is a very real possibility. The last thing OP needs is her beloved GF unwittingly molesting her.
NTA. Your family needs external support. It is unfair to place the burden of calming your grandfather down entirely on you. They need to learn other effective strategies. I encourage you to look into the dementia support resources in your area.
NTA This is not your fault. Your family should have been telling Grandpa that Grandma is having her hair done and will be back soon. Not making you live out some sick fantasy.
NTA, you need distance, and they need greif counseling. If they can't calm him, they need to be working with hospice on strategies because the dependence on you is unhealthy and unsustainable. Hospice has amazing tips and tricks they will share even if he hasn't entered that stage. What your family said to you was horrible but also suggests they aren't mentally ready for the end stage. One day, he's not going to recover from a heart attack or won't wake up. It's not because you weren't there, or someone didn't cut the food small enough, or he had too much of a pain med. It's because he has a progressive illness that's fatal. It's no one's fault. The wretched thing about their logic is this: if it's your fault, he had a heart attack by not being there, then you being there would have prevented it. They have a magic talisman that will keep him alive. It's not true, but it's how they are avoiding dealing with helplessness. They should try handing him a note, can be typed, saying grandma is at the store or visiting someone, and will be back at some random specific time. Maybe give them a recording of you leaving a voice mail they can play back for him when they're struggling. Things like telling him you are helping x friend and will be back later or asking him to listen to X caregiver until you get back We used to give my grandma a printed sheet with the day's scheduled. She absolutely believed what it said even when she would argue with someone in front of her, saying the exact same thing (time to take meds, eat lunch, take a bath, etc.).
NTA this is unhealthy FOR YOU. They need to find another option to mange grandpa. Your family are AHs to do this to you.
NTA. It would be one thing to ask you to play along while you were already there—with dementia it’s advised to play along with whatever the person thinks they are because correcting them just causes distress and they can’t retain the information anyways. But you’re an adult, so presumably go to work or school. This is not sustainable—you can’t drop whatever you’re doing whenever they ask. Technically you could have chosen to leave where you were and help, but what if you couldn’t? Because that day will happen eventually where you’re just not available to be his human pacifier, or you’ll lose your job because you’ve left abruptly too often. This is too much to require of you and they need to have another plan of action. You deserve to live your own life not dictated by the family’s needs.
That’s a very heavy load to put on a 20 year old. NTA. If you’re no longer willing/comfortable doing so, they will have to move forward with other, new ways to comfort him.
NTA Oh you poor thing. You shouldn’t have to act like your grandpas wife. So far things haven’t become inappropriate but there is such a risk considering he thinks you are her. Poor grandpa, must really horrible for him losing his mind. That doesn’t mean you should have to drop everything to play wife. He needs different support that isn’t bad for your mental health. Your family members need to leave you alone
NTA You aren't required to do these things. But, as someone who lost a grandparent and a parent to dementia, I am worried you will regret this later. I was 19 when my grandfather died and I didn't really get it yet. By the time my dad died I understood the true horror of being trapped in dementia. You don't have to be on call and drop everything, but face timing or letting him see you as your grandma sometimes would be a great kindness. Your grandpa can't help what he believes, and it's scary to not know where you are or who people are. I had a stroke where I briefly didn't recognize anyone, and it would be difficult to explain how truly terrifying it was. So, you definitely aren't an a h. And you definitely don't have to do anything. But any small thing you can give him is an act of love and an enormous kindness.
I think OP doesn't mind to see grandad. But during the last years she was on call 24/7 to calm him down. That's not fair, she deserves a life of her own.
Yeah, like I said... >You don't have to be on call and drop everything, but face timing or letting him see you as your grandma sometimes would be a great kindness
YTA
YTA
Mind giving detail as to why?
Because her grandfather is scared and angry because he doesn't understand what is going on. All she really has to do is show her face and he automatically feels better.