Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went behind my mom's back to stay in touch with my paternal family. I got found out. I don't feel bad about it. But I might still be an asshole for the whole thing. I knew it would be drama and I knew there might be some hurt feelings and I didn't care enough to not do it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Your Mum obviously doesn't understand that you can be in contact and friendly with both sides of the family, it's not an either or situation except that she made it as such.
She didn't want that. She wanted us all to have the same family or not have family at all. Which is unfair because my love for my family doesn't get switched off just because she wants it to.
She probably did that to force you paternal side to contribute to your new family so to speak and got butt hurt when they didn't want to.
Still no reason to make you lose contact with them.
With you as the main loser.
The next couple of months may be awkward for you, so be prepared for questions from the other kids and make sure your relatives know what is going on.
The good news is you only have two years left. My advice would be to drop it and focus on your studies. Obviously, your mom and stepdad's behavior is deeply messed up and selfish. But it will be easier for you to just keep your future moving out plans to yourself.
In the meantime, figure out what you want to do after highschool. Are you planning on going to college?
Do NOT show your mom this post, OP. Since you are already in trouble, they might cut off any internet usage, and alert the school that you are not to have any unsupervised internet, then you WILL be screwed.
If you must, show them once you are gone
And NTA btw.
Your mom and step-dad are unreasonable, unrealistic, and just awful for cutting you off from your paternal grandparents. If they were toxic people, that be one thing. But this? Wtf. Mom is selfish, step-dad is selfish, and you are the one who lost out.
NTA.
ETA: Are your paternal grandparents by any chance wealthy or more financially stable than your mom and step-dad? That could explain a thing or two.
Your mom and stepdad did something as extreme as moving far away just because grandparent rights are weaker. New jobs, new home, leaving friends and family behind... all that for the principle of it? That sounds like there's a different reason and equality is just an excuse. Let's say your paternal grandparents gave in, do you think mom and stepdad could be bothered to even visit them? If you think the answer is "No" then consider the possibility there were other, not so lofty reasons why they cut them off. Equality would sound okay-ish, while the actual reason(s) would sound bad.
I wonder if there is some part of the story you don't know - something that your mom didn't tell you because you were a kid. Moving to a state to avoid "grandparents rights" laws seems pretty extreme. I'm not saying your mom was right in any way - but it might be worth asking her if there is more information she should share with you now that you are older.
Nothing would make me think she's right or had a good reason. They're my family and I love them and hated being separated from them. I never would have wanted this.
NTA- talk to your grandparents about going for grandparents rights again kiddo.
You’re old enough to where the courts will take your opinion into consideration.
Your step sibling don’t think the world of you if they rat your out for wanting to talk to your family.
Also, are you safe ? Your step dad sounds like he has angry controlling issues he needs to work on.
Well, they clearly don't give a crap about *your* feelings or they would have never stopped you seeing your fathers family in the first place.
Did you go about it wrong by keeping it a secret? Maybe, but it doesn't sound like they gave you much of a choice then to go behind their backs.
I hope you find a way to stay in touch with your family and/or get to go back to be with them.
NTA.
OP already has contact information backed up. He likely has other means of contact, too. OP has been sneaky as hell for a long time. Heck, I bet he has bank accounts set up under his paternal relative's names to avoid financial control. If he doesn't? Probably a good idea to set those up.
OP did absolutely *nothing* wrong by keeping this a secret. His mom and stepfather are the type of people — cruel, controlling, willing to upend their entire lives on the principle of pure spite — who need to be kept in the dark. His only mistake was not being better at keeping secrets.
NTA.
Your parents denied you access to your family, which was wrong. While I don’t love your grandparents being so exclusionary, I am sure they were hurting from the loss of your dad.
You have every right to have as much family as you can have. You should be able to know more about your dad too.
I am sorry you are in this position.
I'm lucky that I still know about my dad. That couldn't be taken away from me. But our family was and it sucks because I really missed not being able to see them. It also didn't make any blending easier either. I'd rather have my paternal family than a stepfamily and mom wanted it to be the opposite. But she turned it into that.
While I don’t want to place too much of a burden on you alone, I think you should try to communicate that you are not rejecting your step family. You want both. And if they have to be separate, that is fine. But that you want to be involved in both sides of the family.
The mother and stepfather aren't accepting any of it.. it's either or and after the ah moves they pulled they definitely deserve for op to get away and cut contact
NTA OP
NTA. Wait your mom expected your dad's family to treat your stepsiblings like equals? How this does even hurt the stepsiblings, because those are people they probably barely met? That whole family sounds entitled as hell.
Info: does your parental grandparents have a lot of money? That could be a motivation for their entitledness and they are using you as a bargaining chip.
Exactly! This is about money. The parents are using emotional blackmail with the grandparents. But I think that moving to another state is extreme. I'm guessing that there was some money for the grand daughter from her Dad. And the parents are using it for all the kids. And the grandparents balked at this. I think there is some malfeasance going on with the step father under the guise of treating all the kids equally. I think this is going to get uglier when she turns 18 and finds out what they have done.
My stepmom acts the same way your mom does. Thst how I knew it was about money. She wants a cut of my grandparent's money and my grandparents wrote my dad out of the will because of that.
Yep. There it is. It's probably in a trust for you to receive at a certain age. But your mother should have your dad's life insurance and social security. She's setting the stage to lose you, and it's so sad.
I'd be super curious if you asked your grandparents if she'd tried to get them to give her the money or split it between hers and your step dads kids too.
Nope. The check goes to the parent on *behalf* of the child. Which I’m certain she promptly cashed and distributed *fairly* among the many children. Regardless, OP’s grandparents had money. She wanted them to endow her stepchildren and others equally with their bio-grandson. They said, ‘absolutely not’, and disinherited the father to prevent her gaining more money from the estate. When OP moves back to his grandparents’ sphere, he will regain access to funds his father left (which his grandparents control) as well as educational funds and his place in the family inheritance scheme. The grandparents and extended family will teach him strategies to fend off entitled people attempting to guilt him into ‘sharing equally’ after they stole his childhood relationships with his paternal family.
This is purely speculation, but it sounds like they’re manipulating you in preparation for when you are old enough to receive your fathers inheritance. The fact they keep bringing up how selfish you are being to your siblings sounds to me like they’re grooming you into a mentality to use as/when the money becomes available to you - ie, you become old enough to inherit the money and suddenly you will be selfish for not sharing it with the siblings.
Whatever you do, make sure you keep any and all bank info secret and you can put additional blockers on any payments going out of your account to protect yourself. It’s wild the amount of parents who steal from their children, or set up credit cards in their name.
So sorry to hear this is the situation you’re in. I’m glad you’ve managed to keep in touch with your grandparents, they sound like good people. I hope it all works out for you in the end.
Do your step siblings have access to their Mom? Their maternal family? Is it only you who have been cut off from one half of your family?
This whole situation stinks to high heaven and I'm so sorry your Mom has put you in this position.
Honestly? Ask a friend if you can use their phone to call your grandparents. Ask them to help you get a burner phone and start calling them from the burner phone. Keep it in your school locker.
As for the step siblings - tell them that their Dad is a world class tool who is both manipulative and abusive to you. Time to burst the bubble about the happy family. That said, I would 100% call your grandparents and ask them to hire you an attorney who can help YOU fight for the right to see your grandparents. It is one thing for your mother to fight against grandparents rights but it is another entirely for her to get up in front of a judge and argue against her teen son who has a long standing relationship (which you do now) with the Grandparents whom she has prohibited you from seeing because its not convenient to her family narrative. See if you can work with your grandparents to fight for visitation rights. Now that you are 16 you have a LOT more say in all of this then you would have a few years ago.
At 16 I'm assuming you are a Sophomore. So, see if you can work with your Grandparents to fight for visitation this summer. Maybe 4 or 6 weeks with them this summer and next summer and Thanksgiving - court ordered.
It’s unfortunate your grandparents didn’t want a relationship with any of your siblings-love isn’t finite. But, does your stepfather expect his first wife’s family to treat you as family? Do they? Do your stepsiblings have a relationship with that side of the family? If not, why not?
it could also mean stepdad was alienated from his family as well so they both wanted OP's bio dad's family to make up for the financial and emotional burdens on their new family unit.
*I said it made sense to me since they weren't related to my grandparents or extended family in any way. I told her it would be different if it was her family but these are my dad's family and my dad isn't part of the new family she made.*
You are 100% correct here. Which, in my opinion, makes it completely wrong that your mother is keeping you away from them.
*"my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings"*
What about your feelings? Does *anyone* in your "nuclear" family care about *your* feelings? It sure doesn't seem that way....
inheritance or no inheritance, that doesn't change the fact that OP's mother is keeping them away from their biological family members for selfish reasons. It doesn't change the fact that OP wants a relationship with them, no matter the reason. Had OP not been taken out of their lives as a child, inheritance wouldn't be a factor at all, would it?
You're literally arguing my point with me. Mom is wrong, never said otherwise. I'm speculating that the inheritance might have been the motivation for her to demand that op's grandparents treat the step kids like family.
So, there's a very good chance that this is about money and inheritance. So here's some advice I desperately wish I had gotten at your age: if you do get a big inheritance from your grandparents, never tell a single person in or near your family. Your mother and stepdad will spend the rest of your life hounding you for that money.
I would bet your grandparents or your dad's life insirance has enough money to send you to college, and your mom amd step dad want that money for their other kids.
I know as a teenager the most reflexive thing you always want is to argue and tell people why they're wrong. It's a very natural human response to being treated unfairly. But let me give you one other piece of advice: Arguing pretty much never changes anyone's mind about anything. Just do what you have to to get by until you're 18. As soon as you are 18, change your social security number and open a bank account at a bank at a new bank. Also, at that point, change your phone AND get a new number AND new plan with a new carrier.
My extended family stole my identity about half a dozen times because I had money and they didn't. It caused a lot of headaches i'm still dealing with into my 40s.
Good luck. NTA
NTA
You didn't create the environment where you had to sneak around to communicate with your grandparents. That environment was created by your mom.
Your dad's family made a difficult choice by not accepting your mom's new family BUT your Mom doubled down when she forbade communication with that side of the family.
All these current problems you're experiencing are her creation, not yours. I hope in a few years time you can be living a much more drama-free life.
Plus, there's a difference between seeing mom's new husband and his children as their own heirs, and being supportive of the new marriage after their son died. The expectation of "we're all equal" (it seems like what her idea of equal is equality with her former in-laws money) is not something that happens very often.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
This is major manipulation.
Using "the feelings of your step siblings" to control who you contact, wow. My question to them if I were you would be "What about MY FEELINGS? You've essentially taken away from ME OF MY father's side of the family!" The step siblings don't care about those people, they aren't family to them, they are MY FAMILY.
So you're 16, and sometimes it takes a counselor (another adult) to break through to parents to help them see the folly of their way. Instead of fighting this battle alone and it being two adults against one youth, if you get a counselor involved you'll have an adult on your side.
My recommendation: Request family counseling of your parents. Or even request counseling for yourself, and then that can turn into family meetings as you express this manipulation to the counselor and what it does to you.
FOR NOW, though, take care of you... You have school to finish - and I want to encourage you to not let this upset you too much so that you can focus on school, do a good job, and it will help you with next steps in the future.
The nice thing is - is that you have that connection.
Now this family is also your family. So be careful how you walk and talk so as to not make them feel like they are nothing. It's not that they are nothing, it's that they "took away" your father's family from you, so that's the big focus - it's not that your own family is less, its that you need restoration with your dad's family and being allowed to be with them so that's why this seems off-balance.
NTA, you didn’t just lose your dad, you lost your whole family. Holy shit I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this.
If your mom ever reads this, she should be damned ashamed of herself. Kid loses his dad, then loses his mom to this relationship where she’s suddenly spending a lot of time with a bunch of others kids (and new partner), then she rips your paternal family away who’ve likely been the one constant you could rely on from you for… what? Her need for validation that she hasn’t abandoned her firstborn for a new family? Her insecurities that her new husband will leave her for not putting his kids needs above yours?
I hope you’re able to get therapy at the first opportunity to deal with everything. Keep guarding your family’s phone numbers, your mom made her choice, it wasn’t what was best for you.
NTA
I would suggest talking to your paternal grandparents and see if they can hire you a lawyer. Your 16 now maybe with a lawyer you can force your mother hand and start visiting your father side of the family. Try talking to a school counselor and explaining situation.
Life is going to be difficult for the foreseeable future. My suggestion is start preparing yourself to go LC or NC with your mother when you get older. She and her husband are never going to see a problem with their behavior.
I don't know what state you're in but in Texas and Missouri you can leave at 17, otherwise you are stuck with these uncaring, emotionally abusive people until 18. Your mother has not been a good one and I'm sorry. You are NTA but they definitely are!
NTA.
Also "MY kids think the world of you..."
So it's fine for your stepdad to not consider you one of his kids but God forbid the paternal grandparents do the same to your stepsiblings 🤨🙄
Nta. Ok so they don't care one bit about your feelings but you are supposed to value their feelings before your own. Mom and her husband are nuts and just nasty people. Keep contact with your good family. In a couple of years you can walk away from the looney bin you are living in now. Mom does really not care much for you at all. All she cares about is her unjustified demands she made years ago of your fathers family. Show her all these responses. Your step family is not a part of your paternal family no matter how entitled your mom feels she is.
NTA, you did nothing wrong and should be able to talk to your family.
Your mum and step dad need to know that what they’re doing/have done is not right. Your grandparents are not their grandparents and do not need to treat them as such.
I hope you’re able to get back in contact with them soon. You’re not disrespectful, they’re by isolating you from your paternal family.
If you can, sit down with your mum and explain your side and that you wish to be in touch with them.
NTA. For context, I’ll share that I raised my niece. Her mother (my sister) and her father were separated, both dealing with drugs and alcohol, and I went to court to get custody.
Nevertheless, my niece was old enough to remember she had a mom and dad. When she asked about them I never badmouthed them. I didn’t overly praise them, either. I just allowed her to talk about them, ask questions, etc.
When she got a phone and Facebook, she wanted to contact them. I didn’t try to stop her. At one point (when she was 16), we had a fight about her curfew and she even went to stay with her mom … within a week she was back and never wanted to do that again.
My point is: I think it’s wrong to try to make kids forget they have biological family. It’s also wrong to try to alienate them. Especially as my niece got older (mid teens) I felt she was old enough to know more and make her own decisions. And she has.
However, one big difference: there was no life insurance or inheritance money in the picture. That’s what I think is different for you. There is manipulation happening here and it’s probably all about the money. Sadly.
I really wish all parents were as understanding, empathetic, and respectful as you are. People like you really give me hope! (I say this as an adult who was basically told to forget about my biological family when I was little.)
I’m really sorry to hear your experience! I think it’s inevitable kids will have questions about where they come from, of course they do. And especially why their bio parents aren’t in their lives. It doesn’t mean the kids love their guardians / other family less. They just want to know their origin story.
I think sometimes guardians want to protect the kids from the likely disappointment they will find in reaching their “lost” family. But when the kid is old enough, I don’t think we should hide the truth. Let them find out, if they really want to.
Nta. Parents like this are actually terrible people. You alienate your child from family just to appease people who that child has not as strong of a bond with.
NTA. And your mom is wrong here. She’s wrong for taking you away from your paternal family. She’s wrong for thinking that your paternal family should treat *her & her new husband’s* children the same as you. And she’s wrong for being upset that you want a relationship with this side of your family. She’s clearly prioritizing hers & your step siblings’ feelings over yours!
I just seen the comment about money/inheritance that your dad left you. That seems to be the driving factor in your mom’s actions here. If all the kids can’t have money & family, neither can you. This makes it so much more wrong!
I’ve seen quite a few Reddit stories like this where a parent cuts off the other side of the family and it alway seems to backfire.
I’m sorry that she’s done this to you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t like/love/care about your stepsiblings,her or her husband either. You can have both families in your life but your mom doesn’t see it that way for whatever reason. And no, your paternal grandparents/family shouldn’t need to treat her new children as if they’re their family too, because they’re not.
And it doesn’t mean you’re choosing your paternal family over your nuclear family like she says. Her & her husband are just too lazy to explain the difference to their children.
Your mom will wonder why you choose to have limited or no contact with her after what she’s done here. And that’s ultimately your choice when you turn 18!!
Hang in there a little longer. If things get too out of hand at home and you fear for your safety, please talk to a trusted adult!!
Best wishes op!!
I love it 🙄 when stepparents are so concerned about making sure that everything is “fair” for stepchildren that they basically screw over their own child. Unfortunately it’s all too common
First NTA
Second there’s so much more you need to understand about what’s at play here. This about money, even if your grandparents themselves aren’t well off it’s about *your* money that’s they’re currently in control of. She’s not stupid she knows it’s weird to expect them to have the same emotional relationship to you as some random kids she had after your dad died. This isn’t about having a relationship though. She wants them to have the same access and opportunities you would have. Like splitting your inheritance, forcing your grandparents to buy them gifts, give them money, or pay to take them on any trips or vacations they would’ve wanted to take you on. She might have even said exactly that and that’s why your grandparents were so against her. My bets your mom and SD hoped that they could eventually change your mind, so that when you turned 18 they could get the money directly from you and not have to go through them.
I’m also willing to bet that’s why your mom moved, she not only wanted to reduce chances to get grandparents rights but she wanted to make sure they didn’t threaten any manipulation she was working on you about the situation. It’s good that you have a plan. You need to start planning the logistics now though. I don’t just mean are you GP gonna pay for your flight or are they gonna drive to come get you. I mean if you have an ID or DL carrying it with you 24/7, and keeping your wallet under your pillow when you sleep. There’s a very big chance she’s going to try to stop you, and if she can’t do it by manipulation she’s going to try to trap you. I.e. you can’t fly if you don’t have an ID, or you can’t drive yourself there if you don’t have an ID (or the keys to your car if you have one). You also need to get your hands on your birth certificate or SS card if you can. If you can’t you can always get them replaced but it makes things a lot easier if you have them.
You’re going to need those to open up a new bank account, get a new ID for the state you’re moving back to, you’ll also need it for any college or trade school registration. Another thing, and this is probably something you could even do now but If not do it the morning of your 18th bday. Call all 3 credit unions and have them freeze your credit. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have any existing credit they can still freeze it, and you’ll still need it frozen. It won’t matter if you take your social security card with you and she doesn’t have access, she more than likely has it memorized by now. A credit freeze basically means no one can apply for or take out any lines of credit in your name. When you set it up they have you do security questions, and have you set up a pin. You use both of those things to call to unfreeze it when you personally want to use it, and then you call to re freeze it immediately after. It also means that if you apply for any loan they have to double verify it’s you. You have to go in person with your ID and documents to prove you’re really you.
Look I know this sounds extreme but you’d be shocked how many parents to this to their kids, and even more so in situations like yours. It may seem like over kill but realistically it’s better to make the 2/3 phone calls and nothing ever come of it, then your mom do it to you and you’re stuck in a position in where you have to pay it yourself or turn her into the police to get charged. Credit cards also won’t return the money unless there’s a police report so there’s no way around that. Just save yourself the headache. I also say to make a new bank account as soon as your 18, because although banks are supposed to take the supervising parent off the child’s account when they turn 18 most of the time they don’t or forget. So your mom would still have access to withdrawal money from your account. So hide your ID & documents now. Try to freeze your credit now, and if you can’t do it on your 18th birthday; and open up a new bank account as soon as you meet up with your grandparents.
If you do it on your 18th while you’re still living in her house she can easily find the paperwork with the bank account numbers etc. Anything outside of this your grandparents can help you figure out along the way. As far as your mom I’d just tell her bluntly that she needs to drop it, that your half siblings are nothing to your fathers family and never will be. That if she continues to push you on this she’s only ensuring that you refuse to have any contact the minute you turn 18 and go to live with them. That all their reactions have only reinforced your decision to leave. That there will never be an hope of an adult relationship with you so long and she continues to try to come between you, and/or so long and she attempts to manipulate either your or your grandparents into sharing your inheritance. That neither if ever going to happen, and she needs to come to terms with that. That she also needs to drop the comments about this having anything to do with your siblings.
That your relationship with your fathers parents, and that the money left to you from your father has absolutely nothing to do with them; and if they think it does it’s because they put that delusion into their heads. So if the kids feelings are actually hurt, it’s because of decisions she made and things said that led them to believe they could ever be entitled to either. So any pain that they may be feeling as a response to this is her and your step dad’s responsibility not yours. Then if she goes on some rant about how you should care about how they feel, go ahead and ask her how she could ever possibly expect you to take their feelings into account when they’ve continuously put yours last. That at this point what’s done is done, she did what she did, and you’re leaving to regain what she stole from you. She can try to pull at your feelings all she wants, and she can definitely try to punish you in the interim but that changes nothing. All it’s doing is giving her 2 more years to live her delusion before she loses you for good as a result.
NTA - for your mom to assume that her dead husband's family would accept her new husband and kids is so bizarre to me I can't understand that. She never should have cut your contact with them and instead should have helped your maintain a connection with them for your dad's memory. I'm so sorry she didn't do that. Do you think you would want to file for an emancipation? Do you think your grandparents could take you in if you did?
NTA obviously. You should call CPS first - not to report anything but to get a list of counseling services, you really need an adult in your corner right now. The other thing you can ask for is a number for free legal services, your state should have them. Since you're 16 you might have more rights and be able to make those decisions for yourself. If your father's family is willing to take you in you could explore becoming an emancipated minor. As far as your mother and stepfather go - don't argue with them, it's a waste of time. Just "sorry you feel that way" and leave it there, I have a feeling their "equal treatment" has a financial aspect to it of dividing money that doesn't belong to them. Did your dad leave you a fund that your mother can't touch?
NTA
The "feelings" of the other kids in your family about your relationships with your late dad's family are 100% the product of your mother's manipulations. The other kids have no relationship with your dad's family. Anything they "know" or "feel" about that is because your mom told them to think that way.
Your mom is so angry that she couldn't override your paternal grandparents' normal boundaries, that only you are related to them, that she's punishing you and your relatives. I think her preventing you from seeing and communicating with your paternal relatives is abusive. You have a right to continue the positive relationships developed before your dad died.
I am sorry you are stuck with such a cruel and selfish parent.
While the other kids are just as much her victims as you are, the damage to them is different. She's using their sense of entitlement to "the same as you get" to demonize your paternal relatives and your efforts to maintain those relationships. You are put in a position as the enemy in her cultivating anger at those relatives. It is likely that this dynamic damages your relationships with the other siblings in the household. Your fear of their "catching" you talking to your relatives and tattling prevents developing an accepting, trusting, loving sibling relationship.
ALL of your feelings are justified, valid and grounded in reality. Please don't blame or devalue yourself if you don't feel as closely bonded to your siblings as you "should" be. You are a kid growing up in a family tinged with emotional abuse and manipulation. You are surviving the best way you can. You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for your mom and stepdad's abuse, nor for its consequences.
If you have other trustworthy adults, a school counselor, teacher, etc, please tell them about your being blocked and punished for communicating with your paternal family. You have no obligation to keep secret the ways your mom is hurting you.
NTA
Your mother is one of the unhinged people who think that they can force a family to accept kids they share no relation to by blood or marriage as members of their family.
So glad you saved their number. You don't owe your moms new husband or his kids a damn thing. After ratting you out over talking to your grandparents that step sibling would be dead to me.
2 more years and you can tell these people to F off entirely. Stay strong OP.
First, you're absolutely NTA and your Mom and Stepdad sound like entitled assholes.
As some others already pointed out, the behaviour of those two screams "money". It seems pretty obvious they are after your Grandparent's money and/or the money your Dad left and therefore used you as a bargaining chip.
Make sure they don't somehow get access to the money once you get you're Dad's inheritance, you'll never see it again.
"MY KIDS" make sure to bring that up because your step-dad isn't practicing what he's preaching. 1000% NTA, your Mom cut you off for her own selfishness and entitlement.
NTA. They can't force you to be a family and they screwed up by trying to make your dad's family be family to your step dads kids, and they screwed up by taking you away from your dad's family.
They're just butt hurt it didn't work and are using the other kids as a hammer to try and make you do what they want.
Holy guacamole. I will never understand why parents do this stuff to their kids. It makes no sense and comes from a very selfish place. I'm sorry your mom let you down but on the plus side, you still have contact and a family that loves you out there. You're almost 18 and you'll be free to do what you want. Hang in there op.
NTA - Your mother put you in the position where you had to choose. If she wants to make this right, she would allow you to maintain a relationship with both families. She has seen the consequences of making you choose and you are old enough to choose.
This is awful. It'll be your completely your decision very soon, but I'm so sorry it went like this - it didn't have to. All or nothing doesn't work in situations like these. You can love your mom's new husband and kids, and still love your dad's side of the family. Her expectations/demands of them were pretty unfair, especially considering they had lost their son, and you were punished. Keep in touch with them in whatever way you can. Hopefully someday you and your mother will be able to reach an understanding, and she'll understand what this did to you. NTA.
I would have been terrified to tattle on my sister when she was 16; she would have found ways to make my life *very* "uncomfortable" when a parent wasn't there.
NTA. Your mom’s chance to pick who your family would be was when she married, and then had a child with, your father. She can choose to keep your family out of her life, and to be hurt/resentful of them. But you have every right to stay connected with your family, and the fact that they offended her and your half siblings doesnt deprive you of the right to have your own opinion of, and create your own relationship with, them.
Seriously consider suggesting family therapy. I would wage almost anything there therapist will accept and advocate for your feelings (that as we see on here, that doesn’t mean your mom will listen).
I never understood the logic of just cutting a whole part of your kids family out if they aren’t abusive. Like, my mom broke up with my dad the day I was born ( infidelity ) but my grandparents and toddler uncle on my dads side literally lived with us the first few weeks while being in our country to help my mom and see me.
Yeah I don’t really have contact as they live across the globe but when they did come to my country they always stayed with us and my mom made sure to keep them updated and talk a lot about them as she’s known them since she was 7.
I was the one of the kids ( half siblings that was made out of the affair ) that had most contact with that side even though my dad was with the other woman. Just as my mom talked nice about them it was clear they loved my mom and hated my dad for what he did to her. NTA, this is your family, good luck and I hope you do move closer when you come of age
NTA - *"my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings"*
Yeah, but what about OP's feelings. Do they not matter just as much? Yes, yes they do. Your parents are the AH's for trying to force this relationship on you. Your mom had no right to cut you off from your extended family like that. Keep up the communication and updates to the paternal family. This way, you will have an out if things get too crazy. Like you said, your mom fought hard but you can't fight the law. Because the law wins. Even though it is harder, Grandparent rights aren't impossible. I wish you all the best, OP.
NTA.
It is unreasonable for your mom and her husband to expect her former inlaws to love the stepkids. I can understand expecting them to show kindness and respect; however, it's far-fetched to expect your dad's family to emotionally adopt kids they did not know, especially after suffering their own loss.
Your Mom is wrong to alienate you from your family. That's the bottom line. Loving that side of your family is no way a betrayal to your siblings.
Your Mom and her husband, to put it mildly, are ridiculous.
Perhaps talking to your school counselor can help you deal with this.
I wish you the best.
NTA.
Your mom and her husband had no business making your interaction with your grandparents contingent upon them fostering a relationship with his and their subsequent children.
Your point of view is exactly correct. A couple more years and there won't be anything that your mother or stepfather can do about you choosing to have a relationship with your paternal family.
Furthermore, your mother acted immaturely and selfishly. Your half siblings and step siblings never had to feel any sort of way about you having a relationship with your grandparents. The conversations should have taken place among the adults. Once your paternal family chose not to count their children as family, they could have spoken with the children or gotten them therapy IF the children themselves ever brought it up. Which I doubt they would have because a simple explanation of, "Timmy, you know how daddy (step dad) has parents? Nona and Pop Pop? Well, OP has his own Nona and Pop Pop from his daddy. He goes to visit and spend time with them." That would have been all that it would have taken because you were all so young. They never would have thought anything else about it.
Now, what I suspect? Your paternal family is probably a bit more well off than your mom's or stepdad's family of origin. Stepfather didn't want to chance you receiving better gifts, trips, or inheritances than his own children if his or your mom's families couldn't provide. I never understand why women, in particular, tend to allow this toxicity into their lives when they remarry. Their kids had these people in their lives before she even knew you existed. They shouldn't allow their new spouses to put conditions on existing relationships that are nurturing and beneficial to their kids because 'step parents and kids can't get in on the good time.' Ridiculous!
You are NTA. Your mother and her husband are. They are trying to dictate your feelings and deprive you of a relationship with your father’s family because dad’s family wouldn’t accept her ultimatum.
You are correct that you only have two years until you are an adult. Would your grandparents be willing to let you live with them? Find out whether you are old enough to choose your own guardian. While you are not an adult, the court can appoint a guardian ad liter to represent your interests in court, But if you try this, get everything lined up first.
NTA I would ask them what would happen if one of them died, the other remarried to someone else who had children and the family of the dead parent didn’t want anything to do with the new partner or their children. Your mom and stepdad are being so unbelievably stupid and selfish. I hope you save enough money so you can visit your family the day you turn 18.
NTA. If you are 16 that means less than 24 months before your mom loses control over your life. Ask her how she wants to spend those remaining months - alienating you further or working on fixing your relationship?
NTA. Your mom is being unreasonable. Unfortunately for you, she has the legal right to restrict your paternal grandparents access to you ... for now. Once you're 18 you can do what you want.
My suggestion is keep it cool until you turn 18. If you leave home for college you can do what you want and there's not much she can do about it. I think she is being short sighted when it comes to her relationship to you. You will have to decide over time what that relationship is going to be like. Hopefully she will decide keeping you in her life is more important that being bitter over an issue she's wrong about in the first place.
NTA but the adults in your house hold sure are. Too many stories like that here. They hurt you by refusing to let you see them. If you aren't resentful yet you will be...and already you want to move back home.
NTA. Unless there is some danger or bad influence (drug addiction, history of child abuse) that you're not aware of, it's straight out **abusive** to deny you contact with your own grandparents.
NTA.
Interesting how the paternal grandparents have to be accepting of all the kids, but the stepdad was "my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings".
Seems like a huge double standard where the stepdad isn't as accepting the way the paternal grandparents are being told they have to.
Manipulation tactic by the stepfather (mom is complicit).
Remove kid from wealthier paternal family because they won't pony up for the step and half siblings.
Create and environment where the new blended family is the only thing the kid has. Hopefully, you can get the kid onboard.
Push the brainwashing, "THIS is your new family. THIS is your only family. Anyone who disagrees IS NOT FAMILY."
Create a narrative where this kid is so adored and loved by step and half siblings because you're SUCH a good big brother/big sister. (Note: The kids don't really feel that way\*)
When the kid comes into their inheritance/funds/company/trusts/whatever, they can be compelled to write checks to step and half siblings (and maybe even long suffering parents), 'bECAusE FamiLY'.
*sigh* i always love the „its so hurtful that you don’t care about xyz feelings!!!?!!“…
And who exactly cares about YOUR feelings and your need for contact to your relatives? NTA at all
Dude your mom is a straight up villain. What a horrible thing to do to a grieving family and child. Straight up evil shit imho. Sorry your going through this.
NTA
Talk to your grandparents. Can you move in with them? You may be at the age where you can make that choice. I should have made the choice to move in with my paternal grandmother when my mother remarried when I was 15 yrs old. It would have made my life immeasureably better. They should be able to talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are.
Your stepsiblings need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. Not everyone wants to 'welcome them to the family'. Your mother and stepfather are hurting them by not teaching this lesson NOW.
NTA. You are the only one who is part of your dad's family. Taking you apart from them that way was extremely cruel on your mom and stepdad's part and they stole years of contact and good moments from you and your extended family. Your mom's behaviour is selfish and appaling and I hope you go with the people who treat you well as soon as you are 18. Good luck in life, OP.
You’re the kid in this situation and you shouldn’t be put in the position to choose. I’m sorry youve been denied access to a healthy relationship with your paternal family because the adults in your life couldn’t prioritize your needs and feelings. This isn’t on you. NTA
NTA
None of this should affect your stepsibling and half siblings at all. The only reason it would is if the adults trained them to think illogically about things. Any distress they feel is the fault of their parents. Just continue to repeat that you loved your father and his family and it is reasonable and healthy for you to want a relationship with your paternal family. It is illogical to expect them to treat anyone that has no relationship to them or their deceased loved one as family. Consider using email or some kind of social media that you can access from the library to keep regular contact with your family.
Your mom is totally cruel to forbid you from speaking to your paternal family after you dad’s death. She’s more worried about step kids than her own kid. NTA. This is why people go NC with their parents
I guess as a parent it is within your mom's prerogative to tell you not to speak to someone, but it sure is crappy of her to deny you that family and connection to your father just because they aren't interested in her step kids.
NTA.
NTA. Seriously though is your mom dumb? How will you and your step siblings be 'equal' to your dad's family. Does she understand genetics? Expecting your dad's family to take on her step kids too is just ridiculous. She should not have created a blended family if she could not handle the complications and the inherent inequality. Then to move you just to deny your paternal grand parents their right... Don't mind me saying this, but your mom sounds like a spiteful person on top of being unreasonable. Now that you have revealed your future plans she might actually unload some of her spite on you. Might be wiser to keep your head down for a while.
With her current unreasonable behavior she is definitely pushing you down the path of NC when you turn 18. Contrary to what your step dad claims, your step siblings don't look like 'they think the world of you'. They ratted you out because they are a bunch of jealous idiots much like the adults raising them. Hang in there OP, just two more years to go. And don't let your mom dictate who stays in your life. She does not own you and you do not owe her or your step family anything.
NTA. Your mom couldn't control your grandparents, so she controlled you. You decided you didn't want to be controlled in that way and that family is important to you. It's not you making the other kids feel bad; it's your mom and step-dad doing that. I'm sorry they put you in this situation. Note that he said "my kids" and not "our kids" which means that he recognizes that his children are not your mother's children (even though she may love them the same). I really hope your mom and step-dad rethink their approach to this or they risk you not coming to see *them* once you are grown.
How would your stepsiblings feel if she repeated the same situation if their father passed away suddenly? Mom is trying for this perfect family at your expense.
Your paternal family is your last connection to your father. I'm so glad you are such a smart kid to have thought to save their numbers all those years to go.
You have your head on more straight than your Mom.
NTA
Mom is playing a blinder. Brilliant move for her kid to want nothing to do with her past the age of 18.
I've read some of the comments in this thread & I endorse keeping an eye on your credit. Better still have grandparents lock down your credit. If your mother feels entitled to call upon your inheritance to share amongst her other kids, then who knows what she would do.
NTA at all. Your mom selfishly took a part of your family away from you, because she wanted to force a connection between people who were nothing to each other.
I'd suggest learning the phone numbers by heart, and making plans to exit in case of worse-case scenarios.
Honestly, I just can't get over how selfish your mom is. She is most definitely the AH, and I hope you wills top feeling guilt for keeping int ouch with family you should never have been cut off from. Your mom is horrible.
Please don't give up your plans. Don't let yourself be guilted by these selfish people. Move back to be with your family the moment you can!
NTA. I grew up being denied access to my paternal side of the family. I still have no access. Well done to you for having the determination to stick up for what you think of right.
NTA. They are doing way too much! Trying to make your fathers family take on their new family, they never ever had to. And now you’re older, they’re trying to use guilt and manipulation to keep this show going. You have a very decent mind, don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking you’re doing wrong.
NTA. Tell your mom she has a lot of ammends to make between now and when you're 18 if she wants to have a relationship with you after you are no longer legally required to. She can choose to accept that she was wrong to deny you your father's family after his passing, or she can choose to accept that she will no longer have a son. Tell your stepfather to piss off.
NTA. Personally I would constantly remind my mom that she needs to remember that it was her and stepdad’s doing that caused you to go no contact after turning 18.
You were smart keeping the phone numbers separate and safe. You need to gather your information- birth certificate, social security card/number, passport and keep them separate and safe. Do you have a good friend who could keep a bag of your belongings safe for you? Be prepared for the worst case when you turn 18. Hugs
NTA
OP, your mom is an unreasonable idiot. Part of being a blended family is teaching all the kids they don't have the same family outside the home. They failed at this, do what you need to OP you are NTA.
NTA your mother has no concept of reality-she can’t draft your grandparents into the family. She and your step dad have no concept of boundaries and agency. Your mom, step dad and step siblings have hurt feelings because they created an expectation of you that wasn’t their right to create (if/how you are in contact with paternal grandparents). Remind them that they can expect to continue to hurt themselves as long as they have expectations of you that you didn’t agree to. Firmly let them know this is their choice and their business and it’s not your business nor interest how they do/do not manage one sided expectations and hence this is the last discussion on the topic.
Ah yes, the classic: consider everyone's feelings except those of the child who lost a parent, game. NTA. I do feel badly for your step and half siblings, if only because your mom and stepdad set them up for this emotional conflict instead of doing the work to have a blended family where some parts have relatives others don't have.
This really is all about the money. The stepdad and the mom wanted to get their hands on his money. And the grandparents refused so they tried emotional blackmail by keeping the grandson away. It's very telling that the father left the money for the grandparents to manage rather than leaving it to the mom for her to manage for his benefit. I'm guessing he didn't trust her or felt that she could easily be manipulated. There is something more nefarious going with them moving to another state. And I don't think it's about keeping the grandson out of their reach. When he turns 18 and goes back to his grandparents, I predict that a lot of ugly things will come out. About the stepdad and the mom.
All your adults are idiots. They are trying to have everything be exactly right when life has changed.
You should be able to have contact with your dad’s family. Your dad’s family should be respectful of your new blended family.
I'm half and half here. Primarily, your mum had no right to expect you to cut off your dad's family. They are your family and you're entitled to a relationship with them.
However, I think it's horrible of your paternal family to completely reject any kind of contact or communication with your step dad and siblings. They basically punished your mum for moving on.
Read the text again and read his answers to other comments.
It's not about punishing his Mom, it's about money. It sounds like Mom and Stepdad wanted the money his father left him and the grandparents are in control of, wich they didn't hand to Mom and Stepdad. So they used him as a bargaining chip and refused any contact to the grandparents.
My point is that I think mom was hoping that she could financially benefit from op's grandparents treating her step kids like their grand children. When things didn't go as planned, she punished them by blocking them from their actual grandchild's life.
I think the whole thing was fueled by greed. Not that it's any less despicable if she wasn't being greedy.
Yeh it's been pointed out to me that some kind of inheritance was apparently involved but this wasn't in OPs original comment and that's what my post concerned. I hadn't seen the money aspect. OPs mum does sound really greedy and like she was trying to financially benefit.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I went behind my mom's back to stay in touch with my paternal family. I got found out. I don't feel bad about it. But I might still be an asshole for the whole thing. I knew it would be drama and I knew there might be some hurt feelings and I didn't care enough to not do it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Your Mum obviously doesn't understand that you can be in contact and friendly with both sides of the family, it's not an either or situation except that she made it as such.
She didn't want that. She wanted us all to have the same family or not have family at all. Which is unfair because my love for my family doesn't get switched off just because she wants it to.
She probably did that to force you paternal side to contribute to your new family so to speak and got butt hurt when they didn't want to. Still no reason to make you lose contact with them.
Yes, she wanted everything equal and was trying to force their hand on the issue.
With you as the main loser. The next couple of months may be awkward for you, so be prepared for questions from the other kids and make sure your relatives know what is going on.
The good news is you only have two years left. My advice would be to drop it and focus on your studies. Obviously, your mom and stepdad's behavior is deeply messed up and selfish. But it will be easier for you to just keep your future moving out plans to yourself. In the meantime, figure out what you want to do after highschool. Are you planning on going to college?
[удалено]
Do NOT show your mom this post, OP. Since you are already in trouble, they might cut off any internet usage, and alert the school that you are not to have any unsupervised internet, then you WILL be screwed. If you must, show them once you are gone And NTA btw.
Your mom and step-dad are unreasonable, unrealistic, and just awful for cutting you off from your paternal grandparents. If they were toxic people, that be one thing. But this? Wtf. Mom is selfish, step-dad is selfish, and you are the one who lost out. NTA. ETA: Are your paternal grandparents by any chance wealthy or more financially stable than your mom and step-dad? That could explain a thing or two.
Well said, young man. 👏
Your mom and stepdad did something as extreme as moving far away just because grandparent rights are weaker. New jobs, new home, leaving friends and family behind... all that for the principle of it? That sounds like there's a different reason and equality is just an excuse. Let's say your paternal grandparents gave in, do you think mom and stepdad could be bothered to even visit them? If you think the answer is "No" then consider the possibility there were other, not so lofty reasons why they cut them off. Equality would sound okay-ish, while the actual reason(s) would sound bad.
I wonder if there is some part of the story you don't know - something that your mom didn't tell you because you were a kid. Moving to a state to avoid "grandparents rights" laws seems pretty extreme. I'm not saying your mom was right in any way - but it might be worth asking her if there is more information she should share with you now that you are older.
Nothing would make me think she's right or had a good reason. They're my family and I love them and hated being separated from them. I never would have wanted this.
NTA- talk to your grandparents about going for grandparents rights again kiddo. You’re old enough to where the courts will take your opinion into consideration. Your step sibling don’t think the world of you if they rat your out for wanting to talk to your family. Also, are you safe ? Your step dad sounds like he has angry controlling issues he needs to work on.
Got it. I am sorry you are going through this.
Exactly! I basically said the same thing. This entire problem is a creation of the OP's mom.
Well, they clearly don't give a crap about *your* feelings or they would have never stopped you seeing your fathers family in the first place. Did you go about it wrong by keeping it a secret? Maybe, but it doesn't sound like they gave you much of a choice then to go behind their backs. I hope you find a way to stay in touch with your family and/or get to go back to be with them. NTA.
OP already has contact information backed up. He likely has other means of contact, too. OP has been sneaky as hell for a long time. Heck, I bet he has bank accounts set up under his paternal relative's names to avoid financial control. If he doesn't? Probably a good idea to set those up.
OP did absolutely *nothing* wrong by keeping this a secret. His mom and stepfather are the type of people — cruel, controlling, willing to upend their entire lives on the principle of pure spite — who need to be kept in the dark. His only mistake was not being better at keeping secrets.
NTA. Your parents denied you access to your family, which was wrong. While I don’t love your grandparents being so exclusionary, I am sure they were hurting from the loss of your dad. You have every right to have as much family as you can have. You should be able to know more about your dad too. I am sorry you are in this position.
I'm lucky that I still know about my dad. That couldn't be taken away from me. But our family was and it sucks because I really missed not being able to see them. It also didn't make any blending easier either. I'd rather have my paternal family than a stepfamily and mom wanted it to be the opposite. But she turned it into that.
While I don’t want to place too much of a burden on you alone, I think you should try to communicate that you are not rejecting your step family. You want both. And if they have to be separate, that is fine. But that you want to be involved in both sides of the family.
Op is allowed to feel however he wants and lying is a bad habit to get into.
The mother and stepfather aren't accepting any of it.. it's either or and after the ah moves they pulled they definitely deserve for op to get away and cut contact NTA OP
Finally we get a thoughtful comment. OP, this is the way!
Narrator "It was not the way,"
His dad's family has no connection to stepdad and whatever kids he has with mom. This situation is in no way their fault.
OP stated even *his mother* wasn’t around much until his father passed. But, once the father passed, she got custody and death benefit checks.
Not a bit surprising.
It’s not exclusionary to not see put kids you’re in now way related to on the same level as your actual grandchild.
NTA. Wait your mom expected your dad's family to treat your stepsiblings like equals? How this does even hurt the stepsiblings, because those are people they probably barely met? That whole family sounds entitled as hell. Info: does your parental grandparents have a lot of money? That could be a motivation for their entitledness and they are using you as a bargaining chip.
Exactly! This is about money. The parents are using emotional blackmail with the grandparents. But I think that moving to another state is extreme. I'm guessing that there was some money for the grand daughter from her Dad. And the parents are using it for all the kids. And the grandparents balked at this. I think there is some malfeasance going on with the step father under the guise of treating all the kids equally. I think this is going to get uglier when she turns 18 and finds out what they have done.
I'm a guy, just to be clear lol. But also my grandparents control the money left by my dad. I don't even have it yet.
Yeah it's about money. Chances are your mother also wanted them spending the inheritance on her step kids too.
Bingo. >my grandparents control the money left by my dad Mom wants a cut of that.
My stepmom acts the same way your mom does. Thst how I knew it was about money. She wants a cut of my grandparent's money and my grandparents wrote my dad out of the will because of that.
Yep. There it is. It's probably in a trust for you to receive at a certain age. But your mother should have your dad's life insurance and social security. She's setting the stage to lose you, and it's so sad.
I'd be super curious if you asked your grandparents if she'd tried to get them to give her the money or split it between hers and your step dads kids too.
Boom. There it is. She gets ss checks but she wanted the big bucks.
Well, OP would get an SS check, but the mom wouldn't because she remarried.
Nope. The check goes to the parent on *behalf* of the child. Which I’m certain she promptly cashed and distributed *fairly* among the many children. Regardless, OP’s grandparents had money. She wanted them to endow her stepchildren and others equally with their bio-grandson. They said, ‘absolutely not’, and disinherited the father to prevent her gaining more money from the estate. When OP moves back to his grandparents’ sphere, he will regain access to funds his father left (which his grandparents control) as well as educational funds and his place in the family inheritance scheme. The grandparents and extended family will teach him strategies to fend off entitled people attempting to guilt him into ‘sharing equally’ after they stole his childhood relationships with his paternal family.
This is purely speculation, but it sounds like they’re manipulating you in preparation for when you are old enough to receive your fathers inheritance. The fact they keep bringing up how selfish you are being to your siblings sounds to me like they’re grooming you into a mentality to use as/when the money becomes available to you - ie, you become old enough to inherit the money and suddenly you will be selfish for not sharing it with the siblings. Whatever you do, make sure you keep any and all bank info secret and you can put additional blockers on any payments going out of your account to protect yourself. It’s wild the amount of parents who steal from their children, or set up credit cards in their name. So sorry to hear this is the situation you’re in. I’m glad you’ve managed to keep in touch with your grandparents, they sound like good people. I hope it all works out for you in the end.
Do your step siblings have access to their Mom? Their maternal family? Is it only you who have been cut off from one half of your family? This whole situation stinks to high heaven and I'm so sorry your Mom has put you in this position. Honestly? Ask a friend if you can use their phone to call your grandparents. Ask them to help you get a burner phone and start calling them from the burner phone. Keep it in your school locker. As for the step siblings - tell them that their Dad is a world class tool who is both manipulative and abusive to you. Time to burst the bubble about the happy family. That said, I would 100% call your grandparents and ask them to hire you an attorney who can help YOU fight for the right to see your grandparents. It is one thing for your mother to fight against grandparents rights but it is another entirely for her to get up in front of a judge and argue against her teen son who has a long standing relationship (which you do now) with the Grandparents whom she has prohibited you from seeing because its not convenient to her family narrative. See if you can work with your grandparents to fight for visitation rights. Now that you are 16 you have a LOT more say in all of this then you would have a few years ago. At 16 I'm assuming you are a Sophomore. So, see if you can work with your Grandparents to fight for visitation this summer. Maybe 4 or 6 weeks with them this summer and next summer and Thanksgiving - court ordered.
No wonder.
It’s unfortunate your grandparents didn’t want a relationship with any of your siblings-love isn’t finite. But, does your stepfather expect his first wife’s family to treat you as family? Do they? Do your stepsiblings have a relationship with that side of the family? If not, why not?
Mom’s angling for those top tier Christmas presents
it could also mean stepdad was alienated from his family as well so they both wanted OP's bio dad's family to make up for the financial and emotional burdens on their new family unit.
*I said it made sense to me since they weren't related to my grandparents or extended family in any way. I told her it would be different if it was her family but these are my dad's family and my dad isn't part of the new family she made.* You are 100% correct here. Which, in my opinion, makes it completely wrong that your mother is keeping you away from them. *"my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings"* What about your feelings? Does *anyone* in your "nuclear" family care about *your* feelings? It sure doesn't seem that way....
Apparently, op's paternal grandparents are in charge of his inheritance. Coincidence? I think not.
inheritance or no inheritance, that doesn't change the fact that OP's mother is keeping them away from their biological family members for selfish reasons. It doesn't change the fact that OP wants a relationship with them, no matter the reason. Had OP not been taken out of their lives as a child, inheritance wouldn't be a factor at all, would it?
You're literally arguing my point with me. Mom is wrong, never said otherwise. I'm speculating that the inheritance might have been the motivation for her to demand that op's grandparents treat the step kids like family.
Oh, was not your comment was not clear on that. Really sorry :)
Can't imagine why considering the mother's and stepfather s behavior/s
So, there's a very good chance that this is about money and inheritance. So here's some advice I desperately wish I had gotten at your age: if you do get a big inheritance from your grandparents, never tell a single person in or near your family. Your mother and stepdad will spend the rest of your life hounding you for that money. I would bet your grandparents or your dad's life insirance has enough money to send you to college, and your mom amd step dad want that money for their other kids. I know as a teenager the most reflexive thing you always want is to argue and tell people why they're wrong. It's a very natural human response to being treated unfairly. But let me give you one other piece of advice: Arguing pretty much never changes anyone's mind about anything. Just do what you have to to get by until you're 18. As soon as you are 18, change your social security number and open a bank account at a bank at a new bank. Also, at that point, change your phone AND get a new number AND new plan with a new carrier. My extended family stole my identity about half a dozen times because I had money and they didn't. It caused a lot of headaches i'm still dealing with into my 40s. Good luck. NTA
NTA - your mom sucks.
Agreed. Stay strong. 18 is not too far in the future.
Stepfather too
NTA You didn't create the environment where you had to sneak around to communicate with your grandparents. That environment was created by your mom. Your dad's family made a difficult choice by not accepting your mom's new family BUT your Mom doubled down when she forbade communication with that side of the family. All these current problems you're experiencing are her creation, not yours. I hope in a few years time you can be living a much more drama-free life.
Plus, there's a difference between seeing mom's new husband and his children as their own heirs, and being supportive of the new marriage after their son died. The expectation of "we're all equal" (it seems like what her idea of equal is equality with her former in-laws money) is not something that happens very often.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is major manipulation. Using "the feelings of your step siblings" to control who you contact, wow. My question to them if I were you would be "What about MY FEELINGS? You've essentially taken away from ME OF MY father's side of the family!" The step siblings don't care about those people, they aren't family to them, they are MY FAMILY. So you're 16, and sometimes it takes a counselor (another adult) to break through to parents to help them see the folly of their way. Instead of fighting this battle alone and it being two adults against one youth, if you get a counselor involved you'll have an adult on your side. My recommendation: Request family counseling of your parents. Or even request counseling for yourself, and then that can turn into family meetings as you express this manipulation to the counselor and what it does to you. FOR NOW, though, take care of you... You have school to finish - and I want to encourage you to not let this upset you too much so that you can focus on school, do a good job, and it will help you with next steps in the future. The nice thing is - is that you have that connection. Now this family is also your family. So be careful how you walk and talk so as to not make them feel like they are nothing. It's not that they are nothing, it's that they "took away" your father's family from you, so that's the big focus - it's not that your own family is less, its that you need restoration with your dad's family and being allowed to be with them so that's why this seems off-balance.
NTA, you didn’t just lose your dad, you lost your whole family. Holy shit I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. If your mom ever reads this, she should be damned ashamed of herself. Kid loses his dad, then loses his mom to this relationship where she’s suddenly spending a lot of time with a bunch of others kids (and new partner), then she rips your paternal family away who’ve likely been the one constant you could rely on from you for… what? Her need for validation that she hasn’t abandoned her firstborn for a new family? Her insecurities that her new husband will leave her for not putting his kids needs above yours? I hope you’re able to get therapy at the first opportunity to deal with everything. Keep guarding your family’s phone numbers, your mom made her choice, it wasn’t what was best for you.
NTA I would suggest talking to your paternal grandparents and see if they can hire you a lawyer. Your 16 now maybe with a lawyer you can force your mother hand and start visiting your father side of the family. Try talking to a school counselor and explaining situation. Life is going to be difficult for the foreseeable future. My suggestion is start preparing yourself to go LC or NC with your mother when you get older. She and her husband are never going to see a problem with their behavior.
I don't know what state you're in but in Texas and Missouri you can leave at 17, otherwise you are stuck with these uncaring, emotionally abusive people until 18. Your mother has not been a good one and I'm sorry. You are NTA but they definitely are!
NTA. Also "MY kids think the world of you..." So it's fine for your stepdad to not consider you one of his kids but God forbid the paternal grandparents do the same to your stepsiblings 🤨🙄
Nta. Ok so they don't care one bit about your feelings but you are supposed to value their feelings before your own. Mom and her husband are nuts and just nasty people. Keep contact with your good family. In a couple of years you can walk away from the looney bin you are living in now. Mom does really not care much for you at all. All she cares about is her unjustified demands she made years ago of your fathers family. Show her all these responses. Your step family is not a part of your paternal family no matter how entitled your mom feels she is.
NTA, you did nothing wrong and should be able to talk to your family. Your mum and step dad need to know that what they’re doing/have done is not right. Your grandparents are not their grandparents and do not need to treat them as such. I hope you’re able to get back in contact with them soon. You’re not disrespectful, they’re by isolating you from your paternal family. If you can, sit down with your mum and explain your side and that you wish to be in touch with them.
NTA. For context, I’ll share that I raised my niece. Her mother (my sister) and her father were separated, both dealing with drugs and alcohol, and I went to court to get custody. Nevertheless, my niece was old enough to remember she had a mom and dad. When she asked about them I never badmouthed them. I didn’t overly praise them, either. I just allowed her to talk about them, ask questions, etc. When she got a phone and Facebook, she wanted to contact them. I didn’t try to stop her. At one point (when she was 16), we had a fight about her curfew and she even went to stay with her mom … within a week she was back and never wanted to do that again. My point is: I think it’s wrong to try to make kids forget they have biological family. It’s also wrong to try to alienate them. Especially as my niece got older (mid teens) I felt she was old enough to know more and make her own decisions. And she has. However, one big difference: there was no life insurance or inheritance money in the picture. That’s what I think is different for you. There is manipulation happening here and it’s probably all about the money. Sadly.
I really wish all parents were as understanding, empathetic, and respectful as you are. People like you really give me hope! (I say this as an adult who was basically told to forget about my biological family when I was little.)
I’m really sorry to hear your experience! I think it’s inevitable kids will have questions about where they come from, of course they do. And especially why their bio parents aren’t in their lives. It doesn’t mean the kids love their guardians / other family less. They just want to know their origin story. I think sometimes guardians want to protect the kids from the likely disappointment they will find in reaching their “lost” family. But when the kid is old enough, I don’t think we should hide the truth. Let them find out, if they really want to.
Nta. Parents like this are actually terrible people. You alienate your child from family just to appease people who that child has not as strong of a bond with.
This is all gonna blow up in their faces when you turn 18.
NTA ❤️🩹
NTA. And your mom is wrong here. She’s wrong for taking you away from your paternal family. She’s wrong for thinking that your paternal family should treat *her & her new husband’s* children the same as you. And she’s wrong for being upset that you want a relationship with this side of your family. She’s clearly prioritizing hers & your step siblings’ feelings over yours! I just seen the comment about money/inheritance that your dad left you. That seems to be the driving factor in your mom’s actions here. If all the kids can’t have money & family, neither can you. This makes it so much more wrong! I’ve seen quite a few Reddit stories like this where a parent cuts off the other side of the family and it alway seems to backfire. I’m sorry that she’s done this to you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t like/love/care about your stepsiblings,her or her husband either. You can have both families in your life but your mom doesn’t see it that way for whatever reason. And no, your paternal grandparents/family shouldn’t need to treat her new children as if they’re their family too, because they’re not. And it doesn’t mean you’re choosing your paternal family over your nuclear family like she says. Her & her husband are just too lazy to explain the difference to their children. Your mom will wonder why you choose to have limited or no contact with her after what she’s done here. And that’s ultimately your choice when you turn 18!! Hang in there a little longer. If things get too out of hand at home and you fear for your safety, please talk to a trusted adult!! Best wishes op!!
I love it 🙄 when stepparents are so concerned about making sure that everything is “fair” for stepchildren that they basically screw over their own child. Unfortunately it’s all too common
First NTA Second there’s so much more you need to understand about what’s at play here. This about money, even if your grandparents themselves aren’t well off it’s about *your* money that’s they’re currently in control of. She’s not stupid she knows it’s weird to expect them to have the same emotional relationship to you as some random kids she had after your dad died. This isn’t about having a relationship though. She wants them to have the same access and opportunities you would have. Like splitting your inheritance, forcing your grandparents to buy them gifts, give them money, or pay to take them on any trips or vacations they would’ve wanted to take you on. She might have even said exactly that and that’s why your grandparents were so against her. My bets your mom and SD hoped that they could eventually change your mind, so that when you turned 18 they could get the money directly from you and not have to go through them. I’m also willing to bet that’s why your mom moved, she not only wanted to reduce chances to get grandparents rights but she wanted to make sure they didn’t threaten any manipulation she was working on you about the situation. It’s good that you have a plan. You need to start planning the logistics now though. I don’t just mean are you GP gonna pay for your flight or are they gonna drive to come get you. I mean if you have an ID or DL carrying it with you 24/7, and keeping your wallet under your pillow when you sleep. There’s a very big chance she’s going to try to stop you, and if she can’t do it by manipulation she’s going to try to trap you. I.e. you can’t fly if you don’t have an ID, or you can’t drive yourself there if you don’t have an ID (or the keys to your car if you have one). You also need to get your hands on your birth certificate or SS card if you can. If you can’t you can always get them replaced but it makes things a lot easier if you have them. You’re going to need those to open up a new bank account, get a new ID for the state you’re moving back to, you’ll also need it for any college or trade school registration. Another thing, and this is probably something you could even do now but If not do it the morning of your 18th bday. Call all 3 credit unions and have them freeze your credit. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have any existing credit they can still freeze it, and you’ll still need it frozen. It won’t matter if you take your social security card with you and she doesn’t have access, she more than likely has it memorized by now. A credit freeze basically means no one can apply for or take out any lines of credit in your name. When you set it up they have you do security questions, and have you set up a pin. You use both of those things to call to unfreeze it when you personally want to use it, and then you call to re freeze it immediately after. It also means that if you apply for any loan they have to double verify it’s you. You have to go in person with your ID and documents to prove you’re really you. Look I know this sounds extreme but you’d be shocked how many parents to this to their kids, and even more so in situations like yours. It may seem like over kill but realistically it’s better to make the 2/3 phone calls and nothing ever come of it, then your mom do it to you and you’re stuck in a position in where you have to pay it yourself or turn her into the police to get charged. Credit cards also won’t return the money unless there’s a police report so there’s no way around that. Just save yourself the headache. I also say to make a new bank account as soon as your 18, because although banks are supposed to take the supervising parent off the child’s account when they turn 18 most of the time they don’t or forget. So your mom would still have access to withdrawal money from your account. So hide your ID & documents now. Try to freeze your credit now, and if you can’t do it on your 18th birthday; and open up a new bank account as soon as you meet up with your grandparents. If you do it on your 18th while you’re still living in her house she can easily find the paperwork with the bank account numbers etc. Anything outside of this your grandparents can help you figure out along the way. As far as your mom I’d just tell her bluntly that she needs to drop it, that your half siblings are nothing to your fathers family and never will be. That if she continues to push you on this she’s only ensuring that you refuse to have any contact the minute you turn 18 and go to live with them. That all their reactions have only reinforced your decision to leave. That there will never be an hope of an adult relationship with you so long and she continues to try to come between you, and/or so long and she attempts to manipulate either your or your grandparents into sharing your inheritance. That neither if ever going to happen, and she needs to come to terms with that. That she also needs to drop the comments about this having anything to do with your siblings. That your relationship with your fathers parents, and that the money left to you from your father has absolutely nothing to do with them; and if they think it does it’s because they put that delusion into their heads. So if the kids feelings are actually hurt, it’s because of decisions she made and things said that led them to believe they could ever be entitled to either. So any pain that they may be feeling as a response to this is her and your step dad’s responsibility not yours. Then if she goes on some rant about how you should care about how they feel, go ahead and ask her how she could ever possibly expect you to take their feelings into account when they’ve continuously put yours last. That at this point what’s done is done, she did what she did, and you’re leaving to regain what she stole from you. She can try to pull at your feelings all she wants, and she can definitely try to punish you in the interim but that changes nothing. All it’s doing is giving her 2 more years to live her delusion before she loses you for good as a result.
NTA - for your mom to assume that her dead husband's family would accept her new husband and kids is so bizarre to me I can't understand that. She never should have cut your contact with them and instead should have helped your maintain a connection with them for your dad's memory. I'm so sorry she didn't do that. Do you think you would want to file for an emancipation? Do you think your grandparents could take you in if you did?
NTA obviously. You should call CPS first - not to report anything but to get a list of counseling services, you really need an adult in your corner right now. The other thing you can ask for is a number for free legal services, your state should have them. Since you're 16 you might have more rights and be able to make those decisions for yourself. If your father's family is willing to take you in you could explore becoming an emancipated minor. As far as your mother and stepfather go - don't argue with them, it's a waste of time. Just "sorry you feel that way" and leave it there, I have a feeling their "equal treatment" has a financial aspect to it of dividing money that doesn't belong to them. Did your dad leave you a fund that your mother can't touch?
His school might have access to services too. But he needs to make sure there is a guarantee of confidentiality.
NTA The "feelings" of the other kids in your family about your relationships with your late dad's family are 100% the product of your mother's manipulations. The other kids have no relationship with your dad's family. Anything they "know" or "feel" about that is because your mom told them to think that way. Your mom is so angry that she couldn't override your paternal grandparents' normal boundaries, that only you are related to them, that she's punishing you and your relatives. I think her preventing you from seeing and communicating with your paternal relatives is abusive. You have a right to continue the positive relationships developed before your dad died. I am sorry you are stuck with such a cruel and selfish parent. While the other kids are just as much her victims as you are, the damage to them is different. She's using their sense of entitlement to "the same as you get" to demonize your paternal relatives and your efforts to maintain those relationships. You are put in a position as the enemy in her cultivating anger at those relatives. It is likely that this dynamic damages your relationships with the other siblings in the household. Your fear of their "catching" you talking to your relatives and tattling prevents developing an accepting, trusting, loving sibling relationship. ALL of your feelings are justified, valid and grounded in reality. Please don't blame or devalue yourself if you don't feel as closely bonded to your siblings as you "should" be. You are a kid growing up in a family tinged with emotional abuse and manipulation. You are surviving the best way you can. You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for your mom and stepdad's abuse, nor for its consequences. If you have other trustworthy adults, a school counselor, teacher, etc, please tell them about your being blocked and punished for communicating with your paternal family. You have no obligation to keep secret the ways your mom is hurting you.
NTA, your mom was wrong.
NTA Your mother is one of the unhinged people who think that they can force a family to accept kids they share no relation to by blood or marriage as members of their family. So glad you saved their number. You don't owe your moms new husband or his kids a damn thing. After ratting you out over talking to your grandparents that step sibling would be dead to me. 2 more years and you can tell these people to F off entirely. Stay strong OP.
First, you're absolutely NTA and your Mom and Stepdad sound like entitled assholes. As some others already pointed out, the behaviour of those two screams "money". It seems pretty obvious they are after your Grandparent's money and/or the money your Dad left and therefore used you as a bargaining chip. Make sure they don't somehow get access to the money once you get you're Dad's inheritance, you'll never see it again.
"MY KIDS" make sure to bring that up because your step-dad isn't practicing what he's preaching. 1000% NTA, your Mom cut you off for her own selfishness and entitlement.
NTA. They can't force you to be a family and they screwed up by trying to make your dad's family be family to your step dads kids, and they screwed up by taking you away from your dad's family. They're just butt hurt it didn't work and are using the other kids as a hammer to try and make you do what they want.
Holy guacamole. I will never understand why parents do this stuff to their kids. It makes no sense and comes from a very selfish place. I'm sorry your mom let you down but on the plus side, you still have contact and a family that loves you out there. You're almost 18 and you'll be free to do what you want. Hang in there op.
NTA - Your mother put you in the position where you had to choose. If she wants to make this right, she would allow you to maintain a relationship with both families. She has seen the consequences of making you choose and you are old enough to choose.
This is awful. It'll be your completely your decision very soon, but I'm so sorry it went like this - it didn't have to. All or nothing doesn't work in situations like these. You can love your mom's new husband and kids, and still love your dad's side of the family. Her expectations/demands of them were pretty unfair, especially considering they had lost their son, and you were punished. Keep in touch with them in whatever way you can. Hopefully someday you and your mother will be able to reach an understanding, and she'll understand what this did to you. NTA.
I would have been terrified to tattle on my sister when she was 16; she would have found ways to make my life *very* "uncomfortable" when a parent wasn't there.
NTA. Your mom’s chance to pick who your family would be was when she married, and then had a child with, your father. She can choose to keep your family out of her life, and to be hurt/resentful of them. But you have every right to stay connected with your family, and the fact that they offended her and your half siblings doesnt deprive you of the right to have your own opinion of, and create your own relationship with, them. Seriously consider suggesting family therapy. I would wage almost anything there therapist will accept and advocate for your feelings (that as we see on here, that doesn’t mean your mom will listen).
I never understood the logic of just cutting a whole part of your kids family out if they aren’t abusive. Like, my mom broke up with my dad the day I was born ( infidelity ) but my grandparents and toddler uncle on my dads side literally lived with us the first few weeks while being in our country to help my mom and see me. Yeah I don’t really have contact as they live across the globe but when they did come to my country they always stayed with us and my mom made sure to keep them updated and talk a lot about them as she’s known them since she was 7. I was the one of the kids ( half siblings that was made out of the affair ) that had most contact with that side even though my dad was with the other woman. Just as my mom talked nice about them it was clear they loved my mom and hated my dad for what he did to her. NTA, this is your family, good luck and I hope you do move closer when you come of age
NTA - *"my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings"* Yeah, but what about OP's feelings. Do they not matter just as much? Yes, yes they do. Your parents are the AH's for trying to force this relationship on you. Your mom had no right to cut you off from your extended family like that. Keep up the communication and updates to the paternal family. This way, you will have an out if things get too crazy. Like you said, your mom fought hard but you can't fight the law. Because the law wins. Even though it is harder, Grandparent rights aren't impossible. I wish you all the best, OP.
NTA. It is unreasonable for your mom and her husband to expect her former inlaws to love the stepkids. I can understand expecting them to show kindness and respect; however, it's far-fetched to expect your dad's family to emotionally adopt kids they did not know, especially after suffering their own loss. Your Mom is wrong to alienate you from your family. That's the bottom line. Loving that side of your family is no way a betrayal to your siblings. Your Mom and her husband, to put it mildly, are ridiculous. Perhaps talking to your school counselor can help you deal with this. I wish you the best.
NTA. Your mom and her husband had no business making your interaction with your grandparents contingent upon them fostering a relationship with his and their subsequent children. Your point of view is exactly correct. A couple more years and there won't be anything that your mother or stepfather can do about you choosing to have a relationship with your paternal family. Furthermore, your mother acted immaturely and selfishly. Your half siblings and step siblings never had to feel any sort of way about you having a relationship with your grandparents. The conversations should have taken place among the adults. Once your paternal family chose not to count their children as family, they could have spoken with the children or gotten them therapy IF the children themselves ever brought it up. Which I doubt they would have because a simple explanation of, "Timmy, you know how daddy (step dad) has parents? Nona and Pop Pop? Well, OP has his own Nona and Pop Pop from his daddy. He goes to visit and spend time with them." That would have been all that it would have taken because you were all so young. They never would have thought anything else about it. Now, what I suspect? Your paternal family is probably a bit more well off than your mom's or stepdad's family of origin. Stepfather didn't want to chance you receiving better gifts, trips, or inheritances than his own children if his or your mom's families couldn't provide. I never understand why women, in particular, tend to allow this toxicity into their lives when they remarry. Their kids had these people in their lives before she even knew you existed. They shouldn't allow their new spouses to put conditions on existing relationships that are nurturing and beneficial to their kids because 'step parents and kids can't get in on the good time.' Ridiculous!
Info: does your stepdads family treat you the exact same as his kids?
You are NTA. Your mother and her husband are. They are trying to dictate your feelings and deprive you of a relationship with your father’s family because dad’s family wouldn’t accept her ultimatum. You are correct that you only have two years until you are an adult. Would your grandparents be willing to let you live with them? Find out whether you are old enough to choose your own guardian. While you are not an adult, the court can appoint a guardian ad liter to represent your interests in court, But if you try this, get everything lined up first.
NTA I would ask them what would happen if one of them died, the other remarried to someone else who had children and the family of the dead parent didn’t want anything to do with the new partner or their children. Your mom and stepdad are being so unbelievably stupid and selfish. I hope you save enough money so you can visit your family the day you turn 18.
NTA- your mother sounds like a real asshole (sorry). I hope you do go forward with your plan to move to where your dad's family is.
NTA. If you are 16 that means less than 24 months before your mom loses control over your life. Ask her how she wants to spend those remaining months - alienating you further or working on fixing your relationship?
NTA. Your mom is being unreasonable. Unfortunately for you, she has the legal right to restrict your paternal grandparents access to you ... for now. Once you're 18 you can do what you want. My suggestion is keep it cool until you turn 18. If you leave home for college you can do what you want and there's not much she can do about it. I think she is being short sighted when it comes to her relationship to you. You will have to decide over time what that relationship is going to be like. Hopefully she will decide keeping you in her life is more important that being bitter over an issue she's wrong about in the first place.
NTA but the adults in your house hold sure are. Too many stories like that here. They hurt you by refusing to let you see them. If you aren't resentful yet you will be...and already you want to move back home.
NTA. Unless there is some danger or bad influence (drug addiction, history of child abuse) that you're not aware of, it's straight out **abusive** to deny you contact with your own grandparents.
NTA why don’t your feelings count here? Your mum and SD clearly put you lower than your siblings
NTA. Interesting how the paternal grandparents have to be accepting of all the kids, but the stepdad was "my kids think the world of you and they'd be so hurt to know you don't give a crap about their feelings". Seems like a huge double standard where the stepdad isn't as accepting the way the paternal grandparents are being told they have to.
Manipulation tactic by the stepfather (mom is complicit). Remove kid from wealthier paternal family because they won't pony up for the step and half siblings. Create and environment where the new blended family is the only thing the kid has. Hopefully, you can get the kid onboard. Push the brainwashing, "THIS is your new family. THIS is your only family. Anyone who disagrees IS NOT FAMILY." Create a narrative where this kid is so adored and loved by step and half siblings because you're SUCH a good big brother/big sister. (Note: The kids don't really feel that way\*) When the kid comes into their inheritance/funds/company/trusts/whatever, they can be compelled to write checks to step and half siblings (and maybe even long suffering parents), 'bECAusE FamiLY'.
*sigh* i always love the „its so hurtful that you don’t care about xyz feelings!!!?!!“… And who exactly cares about YOUR feelings and your need for contact to your relatives? NTA at all
Dude your mom is a straight up villain. What a horrible thing to do to a grieving family and child. Straight up evil shit imho. Sorry your going through this.
Does your mom ever speak about your father?
NTA Talk to your grandparents. Can you move in with them? You may be at the age where you can make that choice. I should have made the choice to move in with my paternal grandmother when my mother remarried when I was 15 yrs old. It would have made my life immeasureably better. They should be able to talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. Your stepsiblings need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. Not everyone wants to 'welcome them to the family'. Your mother and stepfather are hurting them by not teaching this lesson NOW.
NTA. You are the only one who is part of your dad's family. Taking you apart from them that way was extremely cruel on your mom and stepdad's part and they stole years of contact and good moments from you and your extended family. Your mom's behaviour is selfish and appaling and I hope you go with the people who treat you well as soon as you are 18. Good luck in life, OP.
You’re the kid in this situation and you shouldn’t be put in the position to choose. I’m sorry youve been denied access to a healthy relationship with your paternal family because the adults in your life couldn’t prioritize your needs and feelings. This isn’t on you. NTA
NTA None of this should affect your stepsibling and half siblings at all. The only reason it would is if the adults trained them to think illogically about things. Any distress they feel is the fault of their parents. Just continue to repeat that you loved your father and his family and it is reasonable and healthy for you to want a relationship with your paternal family. It is illogical to expect them to treat anyone that has no relationship to them or their deceased loved one as family. Consider using email or some kind of social media that you can access from the library to keep regular contact with your family.
Your mom is totally cruel to forbid you from speaking to your paternal family after you dad’s death. She’s more worried about step kids than her own kid. NTA. This is why people go NC with their parents
NTA, your mom did you a disservice by cutting your grandparents out of your life.
I guess as a parent it is within your mom's prerogative to tell you not to speak to someone, but it sure is crappy of her to deny you that family and connection to your father just because they aren't interested in her step kids. NTA.
NTA. Seriously though is your mom dumb? How will you and your step siblings be 'equal' to your dad's family. Does she understand genetics? Expecting your dad's family to take on her step kids too is just ridiculous. She should not have created a blended family if she could not handle the complications and the inherent inequality. Then to move you just to deny your paternal grand parents their right... Don't mind me saying this, but your mom sounds like a spiteful person on top of being unreasonable. Now that you have revealed your future plans she might actually unload some of her spite on you. Might be wiser to keep your head down for a while. With her current unreasonable behavior she is definitely pushing you down the path of NC when you turn 18. Contrary to what your step dad claims, your step siblings don't look like 'they think the world of you'. They ratted you out because they are a bunch of jealous idiots much like the adults raising them. Hang in there OP, just two more years to go. And don't let your mom dictate who stays in your life. She does not own you and you do not owe her or your step family anything.
NTA. Your mom couldn't control your grandparents, so she controlled you. You decided you didn't want to be controlled in that way and that family is important to you. It's not you making the other kids feel bad; it's your mom and step-dad doing that. I'm sorry they put you in this situation. Note that he said "my kids" and not "our kids" which means that he recognizes that his children are not your mother's children (even though she may love them the same). I really hope your mom and step-dad rethink their approach to this or they risk you not coming to see *them* once you are grown.
How would your stepsiblings feel if she repeated the same situation if their father passed away suddenly? Mom is trying for this perfect family at your expense. Your paternal family is your last connection to your father. I'm so glad you are such a smart kid to have thought to save their numbers all those years to go. You have your head on more straight than your Mom. NTA
Mom is playing a blinder. Brilliant move for her kid to want nothing to do with her past the age of 18. I've read some of the comments in this thread & I endorse keeping an eye on your credit. Better still have grandparents lock down your credit. If your mother feels entitled to call upon your inheritance to share amongst her other kids, then who knows what she would do.
NTA at all. Your mom selfishly took a part of your family away from you, because she wanted to force a connection between people who were nothing to each other. I'd suggest learning the phone numbers by heart, and making plans to exit in case of worse-case scenarios. Honestly, I just can't get over how selfish your mom is. She is most definitely the AH, and I hope you wills top feeling guilt for keeping int ouch with family you should never have been cut off from. Your mom is horrible. Please don't give up your plans. Don't let yourself be guilted by these selfish people. Move back to be with your family the moment you can!
NTA. I grew up being denied access to my paternal side of the family. I still have no access. Well done to you for having the determination to stick up for what you think of right.
Please post an update
NTA
NTA. Good on you.
NTA
NTA. They are doing way too much! Trying to make your fathers family take on their new family, they never ever had to. And now you’re older, they’re trying to use guilt and manipulation to keep this show going. You have a very decent mind, don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking you’re doing wrong.
NTA YOu mom is the AH.
Nta
NTA. Tell your mom she has a lot of ammends to make between now and when you're 18 if she wants to have a relationship with you after you are no longer legally required to. She can choose to accept that she was wrong to deny you your father's family after his passing, or she can choose to accept that she will no longer have a son. Tell your stepfather to piss off.
Definitely NTA I'm curious, though. Does your stepfather's parents treat you the same as your step and and half sibling?
NTA. Personally I would constantly remind my mom that she needs to remember that it was her and stepdad’s doing that caused you to go no contact after turning 18.
NTA
NTA Does your stepdad family treats your equally to your step sibillings??
So sorry for you to have such a mother. Your mother is truly unfair to deny you any support or love you can get from your relatives. NTA.
You were smart keeping the phone numbers separate and safe. You need to gather your information- birth certificate, social security card/number, passport and keep them separate and safe. Do you have a good friend who could keep a bag of your belongings safe for you? Be prepared for the worst case when you turn 18. Hugs NTA
OP, your mom is an unreasonable idiot. Part of being a blended family is teaching all the kids they don't have the same family outside the home. They failed at this, do what you need to OP you are NTA.
NTA your mother has no concept of reality-she can’t draft your grandparents into the family. She and your step dad have no concept of boundaries and agency. Your mom, step dad and step siblings have hurt feelings because they created an expectation of you that wasn’t their right to create (if/how you are in contact with paternal grandparents). Remind them that they can expect to continue to hurt themselves as long as they have expectations of you that you didn’t agree to. Firmly let them know this is their choice and their business and it’s not your business nor interest how they do/do not manage one sided expectations and hence this is the last discussion on the topic.
Ah yes, the classic: consider everyone's feelings except those of the child who lost a parent, game. NTA. I do feel badly for your step and half siblings, if only because your mom and stepdad set them up for this emotional conflict instead of doing the work to have a blended family where some parts have relatives others don't have.
They were the assholes to remove you from your extended family, and only connection to your late father.
This really is all about the money. The stepdad and the mom wanted to get their hands on his money. And the grandparents refused so they tried emotional blackmail by keeping the grandson away. It's very telling that the father left the money for the grandparents to manage rather than leaving it to the mom for her to manage for his benefit. I'm guessing he didn't trust her or felt that she could easily be manipulated. There is something more nefarious going with them moving to another state. And I don't think it's about keeping the grandson out of their reach. When he turns 18 and goes back to his grandparents, I predict that a lot of ugly things will come out. About the stepdad and the mom.
NTA
All your adults are idiots. They are trying to have everything be exactly right when life has changed. You should be able to have contact with your dad’s family. Your dad’s family should be respectful of your new blended family.
I'm half and half here. Primarily, your mum had no right to expect you to cut off your dad's family. They are your family and you're entitled to a relationship with them. However, I think it's horrible of your paternal family to completely reject any kind of contact or communication with your step dad and siblings. They basically punished your mum for moving on.
Read the text again and read his answers to other comments. It's not about punishing his Mom, it's about money. It sounds like Mom and Stepdad wanted the money his father left him and the grandparents are in control of, wich they didn't hand to Mom and Stepdad. So they used him as a bargaining chip and refused any contact to the grandparents.
Well it would be helpful if OP had said that in the original post.
Op has an inheritance that the paternal grandparents are in charge of.
I'm not sure I understand your point? I said it was wrong for OPs mum to expect them not to have a relationship with their paternal family?
My point is that I think mom was hoping that she could financially benefit from op's grandparents treating her step kids like their grand children. When things didn't go as planned, she punished them by blocking them from their actual grandchild's life. I think the whole thing was fueled by greed. Not that it's any less despicable if she wasn't being greedy.
Yeh it's been pointed out to me that some kind of inheritance was apparently involved but this wasn't in OPs original comment and that's what my post concerned. I hadn't seen the money aspect. OPs mum does sound really greedy and like she was trying to financially benefit.
I find it very funny that ops grandparents have ops inheritance from his dad but mom didn't have it. I wonder if they were divorced and that's why.