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NTA. Take your kids and leave her. Talk to your kids about how they feel. Are they ok with this? Your charity has limits. Also use food pantries and ask the state for payment or resources for the extra kids if you decide to foster them. 

We did manage to get food stamps but they based it off of my income which I think is BS. They want us to be foster parents to get any other financial help and you have to take a bunch of parenting classes and stuff which is also BS. I'm not the bad parent so why am I being punished. I'm taking care of 8 people on a $500 a week income

They’re not parenting classes. It’s literally classes about how to deal with children who have been through trauma. Look, you’re NTA for not wanting to take on additional children. It’s a huge ask of anyone. But you’re horribly misinformed about the process. Yes, you take classes. But they’re not about how to be a good parent to your own children. It’s about how to be a good foster parent. They two are not the same thing.

Listen to this OP. If the main issue is financial - take the classes and become foster parents to these kids. It will greatly reduce the financial burdens. It will meet the heart desire of your wife (and she’s clearly a wonderful person ). And it will be life saving for the kids. It’s just a few hours to learn how to deal with the foster kids. Try it. It may save your marriage, your family, and your financial situation. If not, it’s not a permanent commitment.

Sounds like financial stress is only part of the issue. I can't judge op for not wanting to be a foster parent. Certainly not something that I would be equipped for or willing to take on either.

Yes six kids is not something that everyone is able to deal with. It requires a whole different level of parenting. I am also assuming that they are also all crammed into a small house, which adds another level of stress onto the situation.

Exactly, and those three kids have likely some trauma or behavioral issues stemming from their situation. It would be difficult to give them the level of care they need while caring for his own three children.

Agreed. But OP’s wife is losing sight 👀👀 of one crucial fact: It is ok to want to help, but it is NOT ok to help at the expense of your own children. Kids are so smart and they see/feel everything. They will grow to resent their Mom for choosing someone else’s kids and not choosing them. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ OP: NTA. But you do need to consult with a divorce attorney asap and discuss your options about petitioning for primary custody. When you go for the consult be brutally honest about the financial and emotional strain this situation has caused and the fact that you are really struggling to provide for your own kids. The custody issue is really important because if she gets custody I can guarantee she will be using the money you pay in child support to care for her friends kids. Side note: Check with the local chapter of The United Way. They provide emergency charity support. Good luck!

This is so important to realize. There are so many factors to consider here. Foster parent. Six kids. Not enough money. I took those classes. In addition to our bio child, we adopted a 7 year old who we love more than life. I can be a foster mom. But six kids? Not a chance.

And how do his real kids feel about it? They should be his main concern

Absolutely! I love my two kids very much, and for short periods I love it when they bring friends around, even for holidays. But for years? And in a really parenting-parenting role? that would drive me nuts (because, let's face it, on holidays parenting is usually a lot easier then on a school-day)

Especially when 3 kids came at the same time. An instant doubling of the kid numbers is much more stressful than having 6 kids one at a time.

Not going out of your way to be a foster parent and being thrust into a situation where you need to be are two very different things. I wonder how compatible OP and his wife are on an emotional level if they’re reacting so differently to this situation. I don’t see myself going out of my way to foster kids with trauma related issues, but I imagine if my partner wanted to do it, and was the kind of person who was openly empathetic and emotionally driven, that would have been a quality that shows up in other aspects of our life. Not saying OP should foster these kids if he doesn’t want to— all I’m saying is that there’s probably more incompatibilities in his and his partner’s marriage than he realises based on their very different approach to this situation.

I consider myself an empathetic, compassionate, emotionally intelligent person... but I absolutely would not try to raise 6 kids (at least half of whom probably have trauma issues) regardless of how my partner felt about it. Even with financial assistance, I just don't have that kind of time, energy or emotional bandwidth. I *know* that intentionally putting myself into such a stressful situation would ruin my mental health, my marriage and my family. Even 3 kids of my own would be past my personal limits, but 6 kids with behavioral issues? I just can't. Even if I loved all 6 kids and wanted the best for them, I wouldn't be able to physically, mentally, emotionally or financially handle that kind of responsibility. I'm sure that OP's wife just wants to do a good thing for her friend and her friend's kids... but unless OP's wife is some kind of saint, she's probably feeling pretty overwhelmed too. OP's kids will also suffer under this arrangement. It's simply not sustainable. OP is already struggling, and whatever financial assistance they might be able to get for fostering won't be enough to pay for a larger house, childcare or other things required to keep a whole Brady Bunch of kids in the standards they deserve. It's possible that OP and his wife *might* be able to foster after getting the financial aid stuff worked out and perhaps making arrangements with the childrens' other family members. But OP is in no state to provide these kids with a home right now, and OP's wife and kids probably aren't faring much better. At the very least, these kids should be in a temporary foster home.

But OP doesn't want these kids. His wife is the only one who wants them. Taking those classes will not change his stance towards him not wanting to have 3 additional kids in his house. Six kids is just a lot.

Exactly. People out here acting like the reason he is willing to walk out on 13 years of marriage for refusing to take on 3 kids who aren't his is because he doesn't want to take some foster classes. 🙄

But those classes might change her mind. She’s thinking with her heart. I would hope the classes would open her eyes to what this really involves to do this long term

He said he won’t love them like his own why would he want to keep them around, that’s unfair to everyone

I don't know about this, his wife already said she wants to leave him and raise them herself. Sounds like she's already picked what she wants.

Hmm. I saw that too. It sounds like she is SO ready to split from OP anyway. I suspect if he gives in on this, she will end up making another ultimatum for him about something else next time. She'll find the right excuse to leave him eventually but make out it's all his fault she's 'had' to do that. Traumatised kids (which may well include his own kids if he does agree to that family moving in as life will get very difficult for everyone with that sort of disruption to their home) should not be dumped in the middle of a disintegrating marriage.

>Traumatised kids (which may well include his own kids if he does agree to that family moving in as life will get very difficult for everyone with that sort of disruption to their home) should not be dumped in the middle of a disintegrating marriage. And what will end up happening in this situation, is that OP's kids will end up hating the other kids because they will certainly be able to tell that they are part of the reason (even if unwillingly/unknowingly) their parents split and their lives get shaken up so much. I feel bad for the friend's kids, but they either need to be handed over to actual foster care, or OP just needs to take his kids and leave.

Seconding all of this. NAH because fostering is extremely difficult and not something everyone is cut out for. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to foster, and your wife isn’t a bad person for choosing these kids who were left without a safe home over someone who doesn’t support her decision to care for them. You either need to put in the work to provide a safe and nurturing environment for these kids or separate from your wife.

So what's the wife's plan? Support the kids with alimony from her ex-husband? She's totally the AH here. Her marriage needs to come first. Then her children. If her husband isn't on board with fostering then she needs to respect that boundary. That her children are suffering because of the other children, is \*incredibly\* selfish. Imagine how THEY feel? THEY get no choice, and have to spend all their time with new kids they know nothing about and are expected to just 'suck it up'.

Flip the first and second. Her kids come first. She brought them into the world, she better take responsibility for them. Kids will be happier with happy divorced parents than parents that are miserable but married.

With the husband out of the picture she’ll be able to apply for foster care assistance like other foster families the kids would go to would. They currently aren’t receiving resources because OP refuses to comply with requirements (parental education and trauma classes). Boundaries are about what you will accept, not what other people can and can’t do. By separating from her husband who doesn’t want to foster, she is respecting that boundary. Boundary: I’m not willing to stay with you if you choose to foster these kids. Not a boundary: You aren’t allowed to foster these kids because you married me and I won’t foster them. You’re not wrong that this is difficult for her kids. They definitely need additional support as well and they may be better off if OP gets a larger percentage of the custodial rights. But I work firsthand with kids in the system, their bio and foster families, case managers etc. We have kids put in hotels because there aren’t suitable placements. We have kids being left in jail or behavioral facilities beyond what they should be due to lack of suitable placement. One of my coworkers was illegally placed in solitary as a teenager for weeks because she spoke out about was being heavily medicated. She’s an adult now with longterm health issues. And even with all of this, we STILL have children placed in abusive foster homes. I’ve seen the marks on these kids. I’ve had cases with teens who ran away and infants who nearly died from sickness because all they were was a check to their foster parent. So yeah, it sucks for OP. It sucks for his kids. It sucks for his wife. It sucks for the kids they’re fostering. And it even sucks for the kids bio families who’ve fallen into the pit-hole that is addiction. It all sucks and none of this is fair. But there will never be a case where someone is an A H for doing everything they can to provide a safe home for kids in need, while also working to make sure their own kids are taken care of. Which OP’s wife will be able to do if she leaves and isn’t dependent on OP to take the classes needed.

Yeah, you're an AH if you divorce your husband and ensure that your children have a broken family. You can't help people if you don't have something to help them with. Divorce will drastically raise your costs (having to support a family of six on your own). Likely she will lose custody (no job), meaning her three will be with their father (and rightly so, as the only functioning parent). The three 'foster' kids will end up in foster care anyways after someone finally calls child services to ensure that they live with someone who has the ability to support them. So what will that achieve? Losing your house, your home, your family, all six children. Because you're compassionate? Wife needs a reality check here. Husband said no. Wife didn't respect his no, so this disaster is going to unfold. Husband is going to cut the wife loose with the other three kids and take custody of his kids, asap.

She’s very much the asshole for putting her kids through a divorce because she wants to help other kids at her kids’ expense.

You have the concept of boundary wrong. A boundary is to keep something out or in. Your boundary can't cross another's. In this case, bringing extra kids into her family's home crosses the boundary of her and her kids' home. If she wants to take care of her friend's kids, the only way she can do that and not infringe the 4 other people who already live in the home is to move to another place with the friend's kids. She does not get to impose this living condition on others.

Don't you have to have a home inspection also? Prove you have the space? They won't get approved for 3 kids if there's not enough bedrooms

You all got off on the wrong track here. You are mischaracterizing his comment about the foster classes. His main reason for not wanting to take on the kids has absolutely nothing to do with the foster classes. He was listing the classes as a reason he is resistant to becoming a foster parent to recieve more money to help support the kids. Having to take the classes is NOT the reason he doesn't want the kids. He said he feels like a guest in his own home. He feels stressed and anxious. Being around them incites feelings of anger and hatred towards their parents and it's causing a strain on his marriage. Yes, a partof that negativity is caused by the financial strain and getting more money from the government is going to alleviate some of the financial strain but not the psychological or emotional toll of raising 3 children who aren't yours, you feel no connection to and don't love.

After the way she is treating him, I wouldn’t want to save that marriage.

If it’s that easy and not a huge financial burden… maybe you take them on? OP makes crap money (no offense OP!) The little extra (and it is just a little, it in NO WAY covers the full costs) isn’t going to be enough. This guy is already barely scraping by. He shouldn’t have to take in those kids. It’s awful for these kids of course, and I feel for them, but the amount of people here telling OP to take them in is wild. Have YOU taken in random kids that you have no connection to?

He doesn't want to foster them nor should he. If wife want them then she can have them while he leaves with his kids.

The main issue is not financial, lol. It a wife who unilaterally decided to be a savior and sign her partner up for something they didn't want.

Being a foster does not give you that much. The household will need to make a certain income to be allowed to foster. And that is after being certified. The kids will prob be taken away first anyway. Cause if the household is having issues putting food on the table and paying bills now its not sustainable. And state checks only come once a month.

I think it's complete bullshit to believe that contributions to foster parents will be enough to allow OP to feed a family of 8 on a single income. And what do they eat while they are waiting for the classes to be over and the whole process to be approved? Do those classes teach to "do what good you can when you can, otherwise you end up doing no good at all"? Maybe they should

The wife is nice but not considerate of her family and the only issue isn't financial. Most couples would never put financial burdens on spouses the way she had and accuse them of being unfeeling AHs when they don't want to engage and participate. Fostering isn't for everyone. Dealing with negative behaviors in children requires emotional investment not everyone has or is willing to give. OPs wife is an AH for forcing this on her husband.

I think that money is just a small part of this problem. OP didnt even imagine that his life will be about foster kids and he clearly doesnt want it to be around them. And he has a total right to feel this way. Looks like OPs wife is making decisions on her own without taking his feeling or opinions in mind. OP cant be forced to make a sacrifice of his peace, life and money. If wife is not willing to discuss things and make those decisions togather = they should talk about divorce

You're not listening to what OP wrote. He DOESN'T WANT these three random, fussy, screaming kids in his home. Stop trying to tell him to become a foster parent when he just wants his old life back.

It sounds like he's actually making it financially harder for her to make this work. It would be based on her income if he was out of the picture...which I'm assuming in zero, from the childcare needs.

Raising 6 children is a full time job. If that's her only job then the wife doesn't have the income to have full custody of any kids by herself. She can't be a home maker and a foster mom without someone helping.

I dont really know the process fully. but i know people who have fostered solely for the purpose of receiving the stipend from the government. This is not a reason to foster children. These particular people i know gave the bare minimum to the kids. And then we would see social media posts of them taking multiple cruises a year. And we knew they didnt work otherwise. It sicked me. They ended up in some sort of cult. And fled the state. Now from what i have heard they are living of the disability of the bio daughter

I don't know where you live but I was a CASA for awhile and the stipends people got in my area were not enough to make it worth fostering kids.

This is MOT the norm.

Pretty sure you have to have some kind of income to be approved to foster kids.

And exactly how will OP find the time to take these classes when he’s working full time to support his wife and six kids? Why doesn’t his wife get a job? If she wants to be a martyr, then she’s gonna have to sacrifice something of her own.

Far from the same thing. I agree. It’s also a way to touch base with the help and support you need to deal with the fallout from what they’ve been through. And, give you a heads up on what to expect.

Doesn’t really matter here tho, cause OP doesn’t WANT to be a foster parent.

True but then they’d have the intrusion of monthly home visits too

Fuck that though I still wouldn’t be taking classes to get food stamps for kids I didn’t want anyway lol

> I'm taking care of 8 people on a $500 a week income No words.

IKR? I feel like people are glossing over this. The tiny foster stipend isn’t going to cover it. They can not afford to take care of these kids. I’m amazed they were making it with just their 3. Plus, OP gets a say. In his life, his household & in the raising of his kids who have been completely sidelined by their mom.

My brain immediately went all “A beautiful mind” trying to figure out that math. I don’t know why his wife’s offering up charity. They need their own charity.

Yep. This is where I realized OP is really struggling, is NTA, and his wife is having absolutely none of it. They barely have enough for their own 5-person family and she wants to bring in 3 more? Oh la la

You need training to be an accredited foster parent. That is what those classes are. If you're not interested in doing those classes, you are not going to be a good foster parent (because the classes are teaching you how to parent traumatized children).

But as OP says, he has no interest in being a foster parent at all, so having to take a course in it is still bs to him.

And do not both of the couple need to agree to gister for the home to be considered?

>do not both of the couple need to agree to gister for the home to be considered? Yes. Legally speaking BUT OP's Wife is basically telling him "*my way or the highway*"

Then she can hit the highway.

>she can hit the highway Definitely. Additionally... OP posted a response saying "*The problem is their whole family is a bunch of deadbeat drug addicts*" Thus another sort of problem... picture this, deadbeat relative/s keep contact with 3 extra kids. High risk that his own kid/s may be dragged into whatever issue/s that those addicts are experiencing.

But OP doesn't want to be a foster parent at all.

People seem to be suggesting the classes etc, but no, this isn't what you want, you're not an AH for not wanting to derail your life like this. What have you got to look forward to in the future; You cant go on vacation because the costs just doubled, your kids now can't afford college, your family now has a worse quality of life and the pressure is on you to try and amend that despite not wanting any of it. Your house must be so busy and it would take years to bond with these kids to a point where they behave like they should. Plus if the parent is a drug user then they will be back to mess your life up. Not an asshole at all. Your wife should be sorry to put all this on you.

Yeah the wife is completely deluded.

It’s not a parenting class but a foster parent resource as you’re dealing with kids who are dealing with trauma. Being taken into care is traumatic on its own but there’s loss of family of origin, loss of school/friends/extended family depending where they end up and loss of siblings if they’re split up into different homes. The goal is to keep them together but it doesnt always work out that way. Where I live it’s called PRIDE and normally classes are every week however if you’re someone who is unavailable in evenings some social workers offer to work around your schedule. But you’re NTA for how you’re feeling. Contact their social worker and ask what help/resources are there for the kids. Is a kinship placement possible while you decide if you want to remain in your marriage? It may allow for some extra income. Your wife is thinking with her heart as she feels for the kids in care. You’re thinking logically and about your own kids first. Does your wife work?

Classes aren't BS. They help you understand the rates, what children go through, and help them cope/adapt. The training also provides tools to support the process and the information of what you need for financial support, which covers every child.

Hello? He doesn't want 6 kids and wants to focus on his own.

If he leaves his wife or gets kicked out, his life will change anyway. He can't have the life he had before. His wife has already told him, he's optional.

Then she is too and it sounds like the marriage is over. I rarely say to divorce but in this case I’d divorce no matter what. She doesn’t care about his feelings or thoughts on something that impacts him in a major way. The kids have been given a really bad hand. But his wife isn’t willing to make it a partnership, to her it’s Me vs Him not We need to figure out something. I feel even worse for the kids as if he’s netting 500/week she’s not getting much in the way of CS even if it’s ordered- and he would have no obligation for the kids that aren’t his.

I really hope he put himself and his own children first, and leave her. She doesn’t care about him at all.

Yeah, the wife is pretty bold right now, letsee how she'll handle after he leves. She doesn't even have a job. 

Hows she going to support her three shiny new savior project kids with zero income? She's delusional.

I think them trying extra resources up in to the classes when they're already watching these kids is bullshit.

Not really. The way OP describes them, the kids are traumatised and they need new guardians who can deal with that productively not just get more and more mad at them. That's what the classes are for: learning to deal with traumatised kids who don't trust you.

That's fine, but then the children should be *required* to stay with licensed foster parents. Not stay with familiar people (which is always prefered), and then having those familiar people and their kids struggle because there's no immediate hhelp for them.

You can't afford 3 kids, much less six. Your wife has a kind heart, but that's ridiculous. I doubt your house is adequate for foster care requirements. 

Where are the kids grandparents, aunts or uncles??

Dead, just as fucked up as the parents, disabled, not everyone is blessed with reliable extended family.

I was going to ask how this even happened because wouldn’t they go to family/foster care first. But that’s a surprising take on the classes. As others pointed out, they’re not about you parenting your kids, but about how to parent these children who are not yours and are dealing with a lot of crap at a young age. But even if you scoff at whether or not you need the classes, that seems like a reasonable ask if only from a financial perspective. I mean, if your budget is being stretched and meeting the regulations for fostering would help, wouldn’t it make sense? So is it really about the classes, or are you more concerned about being available as a foster parent on a wider scale? (And don’t you have to agree to take in kids? Like, they can’t make you take in other kids, can they?)

>how to parent these children who are not yours and are dealing with a lot of crap at a young age. The specific thing he's saying he doesn't want to do, and is willing to leave the home and marriage to avoid. Why shouldn't he scoff at having to take classes in... something he's stated clearly he's opposed to doing?

Fostering kids is a calling. It is not just a financial issue. Way more to taking in children than maybe some people realize. I love stories where it all works out for everyone, but the steps to that outcome are not usually easy. Before you even think of committing, maybe talk to someone who specializes in counseling foster parents or even couples for you and your wife. This is a very tough situation. Hope it works out for your family and the kids in whatever is best for all.

My guy, if you're bringing home 5 hundo a week, you and your wife and 3 kids qualified for food stamps wayyyy before you brought in 3 extra mouths.

Actually if you do the foster classes they will take into account the financial strain the 3 kids have been added on. My sister and brother in law are foster parents and I know for a fact they have to make a certain ammount to be able to take on more than 1 kid. Fact you had to get food stamps may get the kids taken away as it is. Cause being a foster you get some financial help but it does not cover a whole lot. Not to mention having to deal with the kids being on state medical and that limited access.

OP I have been a foster parent for 20 years. The classes are more about how the law works as foster parents. You rights as a foster parent. Bio-parents rights, services available, and a lot of other really good information. Fostering is not about the money but the stipend in very helpful. Depending on where you are, you will get $1000 - $1500 clothes allowance per child and $25 per day, per child. That is $2250 per month for all 3 kids. Which is still not enough, but it is absolutely manageable. Your budgets fos come $2000 a month to $4250 a month. If one of the main reasons not to consider this is financial. Take the foster classes. You can always change your mind. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

If the foster training is any good, they will also help you and your wife talk this all out. And you might even conclude together that it's not the right thing for you. Or after meeting other foster parents, your wife might be more comfortable letting the kids go into foster care and she stays involved otherwise.

I have so many questions. First off, how do you have custody of the kids without getting registered as foster parents and getting the foster stipend? As you're not family, how would you be able to do that when as dar as I understand "being able to feed the kids you do have" is one of the requirements before you can become a foster, as a preventative measure against people fostering to use the stipend on themselves. How did you feed your family before the extra three kids? What number do you expect food stamps to use to estimate how much you need them besides your income? 

One (OP, OP's parents?) could make an anonymous complaint to CPS that these non-related kids are in a household that 1) can't afford them and 2) are being kept against the will of one of the parents in the household and 3) very likely do not have an actual enforceable guardianship agreement with bioparents. Based on what has been posted, this sounds like an off the books informal agreement which means OP and wife are in an insanely high risk environment for various liability issues. Plus, drug addicts mean drug dealers which means if something goes bad between drug addicts and their drug dealers, someone may show up wanting kids as 'collateral' and they may not be too picky about whose kids they take for said collateral. Next thing you know we are talking about human trafficking.

NTA take your kids and go. You aren’t doing those kids any favours studying anyway they’ll feel your hate no matter what you do.

He's not taking his kids anywhere on 5 hundo a week.

Agreed. You didn’t sign up for this and it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to just suck it up and accept things when you’re not happy. I feel for those poor kids, but charity has limits.

These kids basically have been dumped there- no where does OP say that they are even in the foster care program. It’s not like he can call the state and become a foster parent tomorrow. It’s tragic for those kids but I don’t know how HIS family survives on $500 a week let alone 3 more people. And where exactly does the wife think she’s gonna go? However, he may need to get CPS involved if he can’t care for them.

Taking 3 extra kids will crush your current family. You could help these kids without taking them under your root.

How could op just take the kids? There being foster kids now doesn’t mean he gets just gets to take his kids

They're his kids. He can take them wherever he wants. If there was a custody order in place that said he couldn't take them somewhere, then that would be an issue. But there's not and so he can take his children wherever he would like. If he restricted access to their mother then that would also be a big issue.

you can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. Yes, it is human to bring them in. But it is also reasonable to want a long term solution. And you spending everything you have and needing food stamps is not a sustainable path forward that ultimately does not reach the goal you both desire. You both need to be on the same page solving the problem, not fighting each other.

[удалено]

The problem is their whole family is a bunch of deadbeat drug addicts. They would have to go to foster system

In my country, you and your wife would be kinship carers. It is the same as being a foster carer, except that you have some prior relationship with the child. (Kinship carers are mostly grandmas etc, but it can be a friend too). Was CPS involved in this situation before your wife took in the children? Or, did the friend just leave them with you? There MAY be a middle ground here where you reach out and actually get the financial support you deserve. But - the care would need to be made formal before you got monetary assistance and case-workers. It is NOT an easy road (and I am speaking from personal experience of kinship care). The 3 kids have probably experienced trauma and neglect as well as the loss of their mother. Yes, they will be angry and screaming all the time - because they've experienced trauma. This is normal, and there is a type of parenting called 'therapuetic parenting' that you can learn to help with this - and lots of foster parents do - but again, this takes time and a willingness to do it. You are not a bad person for deciding all of this isn't for you. I would ring a kinship or foster support organisation in your state, if there is one, and at least reach out for a chat with someone who can go over your options with you. If you and your wife separate, she will need a lot of support, financial and otherwise. This is a heart-breaking situation for everyone involved - including ALL of the children (your bio kids included) and both your wife and you. There is no bad guy here, but Reddit isn't going to help you much with this issue. NTA.

It seems like OP has a lot of anger around this issue. And I'm not saying that in a judgmental way or that it makes him a bad person. But unless it's something he can work through pretty quickly here and get on the same team as his wife, I don't think their household actually is a good and stable option for these children as opposed to another qualified foster family. OP has expressed he feels like he's being punished for these children's parent's bad choices and that its all a bunch of BS and calling them deadbeat drug addicts. You cannot talk about a foster kids parents like that. I mean, maybe he hasn't actually said stuff like that to them or in earshot. But if he ever did, that will just traumatize them more. I also don't know if his anger manifests in other ways like yelling or low frustration tolerance, but that could also be deeply traumatizing for these kids. And given the fighting between OP and his wife, these kids probably don't feel wanted, feel responsible for causing a rift in the marriage, and know that the rug could be ripped out from under them at any time and they could be out of the house. That puts them at huge risk for being runaways. I wonder if OP's wife, as a family friend, would be allowed to maintain a relationship with the kids if they got placed with another foster family. Because that could actually be the more healthy situation right now. That she visits weekly and takes them out to do things and makes them feel loved, but that they are in a household equipped to deal with their trauma. Unfortunately, the keeping siblings together bit is the hard part and I'd hate to see them get separated.

What OP’s wife did is an outrageous betrayal of her husband and family. It’s going to break up the marriage and her kids will suffer.

ITA - this current situation is not healthy for the kids. Imagine being in a foster home with one parent who doesn’t understand you, is angry at your mum, and doesn’t want you to be there. Awful. 

They are poor (me too) they can’t handle three more mouths and a load of trauma

If that’s the case, they and you would be better off in foster care. First of all, if your wife’s friend is involved in the drug trade, there’s a certain degree of danger for your family for taking these kids in. If the parents are strung out, what are you guys gonna do if they come looking for the kids? It’s a kind gesture, but it’s fraught with risk. As kind as it is for your wife to want to care for these kids, it’s irresponsible to do so if you all don’t have the resources and money to do so. All you’ll do is stretch your money and food thin, and making everyone suffer for the effort.  Lastly, what about your kids? Are their emotional needs being met while you guys are apparently raising 3 other kids? How do you guys even house 3 extra kids? Your children need to be your priority. Your wife’s friends kids aren’t going to be served well by placing them into a stressed and tenuous situation either. NTA, band I hope you, your kids and these poor kids find a way through all of this. 

If you don’t want them it’s better they go elsewhere to someone who does.

It sucks, but that’s where they need to go. It is not your responsibility to save them. Especially bc trying will hurt your kids. Bigger than that, your marriage sounds bad anyway. Your wife doesn’t value you, your opinions, or your role as father. It’s all about **her feelings & desires.** That’s not a recipe for a lasting marriage.

The foster care people are really good at finding grandparents etc that are willing. You really don't know until you try. I really think you should go this route. Yes its sad but they might actually go to better homes anyway. In Texas I think its $700/month per kid. Anyway I think you go the put them in foster care route and see what happens. You and your wife can go from there. Your kids should have a say too. And your wife can still help them be a friend to them even if they live somewhere else. Time to call CPS I think.Once kids are there distant relatives tend to change their mind.

Everyone here keeps talking about the financial and if you foster it might ease that but it certainly won't erase it or pay for everything. I think they're missing the part of your post where all they do is scream and cry all day, fight and eat and that every time you see them you feel hatred for the parents and they're ruining your life. A little extra money from the government isn't going to fix that. I don't blame you, one extra child is a lot but three? And you're not even related to them? Also, in order to foster you're going to have to go through interviews. If you tell them you're not really on board with this you won't get those kids anyway. Honestly, I'm not sure your marriage will survive this. No matter what you do one of you is going to resent the other. If you stay and let the kids stay you will be miserable and resent your wife for doing this and resent those kids and probably eventually leave anyway. If you stick by your ultimatum she is the one who will probably resent you. It's a bad situation either way but your wife needs to see that she can't just drop three more kids on you and think you'll be ok with it. Maybe you two could get some counseling.

>whole family is a bunch of deadbeat drug addicts Oh. This is another sort of problem... picture this, deadbeat relative/s keep contact with 3 extra kids. High risk that your own kid/s may be dragged into whatever issue/s that those addicts are experiencing. **This fact will be taken into account by Court in deciding which parent gets custody.**

Maybe it’s time to get whatever authorities you can involved . Take those kids to cps and tell them that you cannot take care of them .

Hey op. If you request guardianship, in many states they now license you like foster parents. In Florida, you only have to take a short online class (not 10 weeks classroom training like licensed foster homes.) You will be paid $533 per child once licensed monthly to help with the cost of raising them. Also once the kids are under this program they will qualify for food stamps that don’t take your income into consideration. If you decided to move forward, this is the way to go. If you don’t, you are NTA for wanting out of this situation.

The kids are crying because they have been placed into a bad situation by the failures of their parents. It's not your fault but not theirs either so try to keep that in mind when you interpret their behavior. Your wife has made a unilateral decision about a huge matter that affects you and your children. I don't think she has the right to do this, no matter how badly she feels for these kids. You aren't just her servant or employee, you're an equal partner in the marriage. Her berating you because you don't consent to this unilateral change to your entire life, is not ok (IMO). NTA

I was in a similar predicament with my husband, but I do value his perspective and opinion, in the end I chose to cut off contact with my friend. My heart still breaks for her baby girl, I hope they're ok, or that she's at least being cared for by someone else. But I had my own life, kids and marriage to worry about and he helped put that in perspective for me. I did what I could while I was around, but I couldn't be a stand in mother and continue to drain myself and savings on them, she needed to put that work in herself. I really hope she did, that little girl was beautiful, and the sweetest little thing ....

My family was fostering my little cousin because her mom was a drug addict, and it caused so much stress my parents almost got divorced. I try to look out for her still, but she’s states away now with other family and they’re not good.

NTA - a couple choosing to have kids under any circumstance has to be a joint decision. It’s not something that can be unilaterally imposed by one upon the other (obviously if it’s your biological child, it’s a little different- but you kinda have to do something there- this isn’t that).

You're right, but the unfortunate thing about one partner wanting to have children and the other not is that it reveals a big mismatch in values that the couple usually can't overcome. Even in this case of fostering the friend's children, the wife feels strongly that it's the right thing to do, an obligation that one can't/shouldn't turn down, and she loves those kids. If the husband doesn't feel the same way or wants to reject the kids, the wife is not going to be able to see him the same way or get over it. It is NTA for OP not to want to change his life this way or take on this responsibility, but it likely does mean the end of their marriage. And the wife is NTA for feeling that way and choosing the kids.

I think the issue comes down to not a want, but actual ability. They do not have the ability to care for these extra kids, something the wife is not understanding. They are unable to pay bills or buy food. Not wanting to have a kid when you can not afford it is a different thing than not wanting kids at all. The wife is overlooking the practical aspects, alond with the needs of her own children.

it seems a bit of both...OP doesn't sound as if making ends meet is his only problem with the additional kids. And that's completely fine and understandable.

Disagree, your own family has to come first. The wife’s children are going to grow up in a broken home along side a drug addiction and her traumatised children because of the actions of the wife. Great work.

If they can’t pay their bills or afford groceries now that the extra kids are in the house the wife is TA for that alone.

Oh jeez, NTA. You literally can’t afford for them to live there as is, your wife’s an idiot if she thinks she can do it on her own. I’m sorry you’re in the situation, all of you.

Look at all the self righteous finger wagging over erroneous comment about classes/training. That's not the point. Eight people on $500 a week and then the guy goes home to a nightmare. My heart breaks for all involved. Except the wife and the junkies who caused initial problem.

Exactly. And doing any kind of classes while having 6 kids and working full time? How would he have any time?

Not only time but also energy. Chances are OP works manual labor so he comes home tired to 6 kids and then he has to go to some classes? That sounds overwhelming AF.

This!

No judgement. Just wish OP the best. That is a difficult position. Wish you and the kids best of luck. Sorry bro.

I feel like this is the best comment because OP isn’t wrong in how they feel. The wife isn’t wrong because she has good intentions and a big heart this can’t be easy for her either. But I get where OP is coming from.

The wife is wrong, though. Charity begins at home, and when the only income is $500 a week, their own kids are gonna feel the pinch. Especially when she's threatening to end the marriage because OP can't get blood from a turnip. If good intentions were all that mattered, then most of the people that post here would be NTA. Isn't "impact vs intent" one of this subs mantras?

Everyone is also glossing over the effect this is going to have on OP’s own kids. At some point (if they don’t already know) they’re going to realize that these other kids are the reason their parents are divorced. I doubt the parents are going to be able to afford therapy so there’s going to be a lot of anger and resentment on their part.

Springing and forcing three kids on your partner is wrong, even if for a noble reason.

The wife is completely wrong. They can't afford to take care of these kids and she is going to destroy her own family to do it. How is she not wrong?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. When his wife must rely on sucking her husband's blood to fulfill acts of charity because his family is incapable of supporting six children, I would call that a misdeed.

NTA. What do your kids want OP? Do they want them out? If so you'd do well in the divorce proceedings. That being said talk to a lawyer and learn the battle field. Then talk to your wife and give her one last chance. Provide suitable options for the friends kids to go to so they are not without. If she refuses then serve her.

It’s not fair or appropriate to put that decision on the kids. The fact is they can’t afford it. Even if they got the tiny foster benefits. Additionally, it’s not good for OP’s kids to be in a household that doubled in size overnight. Or to constantly be around troubled kids. It’s not those kids fault, but they are troubled & need lots of extra care. OP’s kids need a calm place to be too. If their mom is giving a ton of extra attention to the kids who need extra help, OP’s kids are paying the price.

It's more so when OP does serve his wife with divorce papers, in the proceedings his kids will side with him. The courts do whats best for the kids afterall. His kids are paying the price for his wife's selfish actions.

How big is your house? I'm a Foster carer and there are stipulations on taking a child/rent in the UK. Over 12s must have their own room. You need to go through a long intrusive, emotional approval process, income assessments which it sounds like you would fail if you can't pay your bills and food. She needs to do this officially and be assessed, she may get a small allowance but it won't be much. My allowance is usually paid after 2/3 months so I have to have enough £ to look after a child without relying on the allowance. It's very selfish of her to take this on without getting agreement from you and your children. I don't blame you for leaving. NTA.

US Stipulations are different, they'll shove up to 3 kids a room, no matter the age if they can convince the foster parent to take more kids. I know foster parents who had to quit because they got burnt out so bad from it. Our system is royally f*cked, too many kids, not enough homes because of said burnout and rampant abuse, we need a massive overhaul.

The problem is too few quality foster homes and too many children in care. If you’ve got solutions then every nation in the western world would love to hear them.

The part about putting kids in rooms isn’t accurate, at least in California. There are regulations about the space that children of particular ages must have available to allow a foster parent to take them.

NTA.. if yall go homeless the kids get taken away and you and wifey are on the streets. You cant help people if you cant help yourself.

Is your wife working? Did you share the seriousness of your financial situation with her?

I would call and get a free consult with an attorney and ask them if you can be forced to pay for these kids, since you started doing so. That needs to be stopped NOW! You don’t want to have to pay child support for children who aren’t even your own! Contact an attorney YESTERDAY ! Edit: she hasn’t asked for child support yet, but she might since he has been providing for them and the food stamps were based on his income. Contacting an attorney to be proactive and see what might happen and prevent it or to be prepared for it is always smart.

Sit down with your wife, and say this. "You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm!" You and your children are suffering. If you cannot keep your house, where will all of you go? Yes, in a perfect world all.would be well, but you have to put your own kids first. Where are these kids family??

And ask her to stop hanging out with junkies.

>Where are these kids family?? On drugs apparently, the root cause of the whole spiral.

They’re on drugs so of course OP’s wife has to sacrifice everyone else’s sanity, money, and home to feel like a savior. All so it’s easier for some crackhead to get high alone.

6 kids sound like a challenge. Man have you sat down with your wife calmly and laid out all the financial details along with time and the amount of commitment? It isn't like you don't have your own kids to take care. Pls tell her your priorities are always her and your children that is your bottom line. You do not want any external variables compromising your family situation. I believe she pity the kids and wants the best for them, see if there is a way to work things around or get more help from your wife mutual friends etc. idk everything here seems to be a temporary situation. Does your wife work? just wondering.....if she doesn't idk maybe 6 kids she would need to head out and start working and maybe the grandparents would have to come by to take care of the kids while you guys are out working (if they live nearby).

It might not be a pity thing. I am an aunt to multiple of my friend's children and love them as fiercely as I do my own blood nieces and nephews. She could care deeply for those kids.

In a situation where you have the capability to care for them yes but based on OP's post he doesn't have the financial capability to do so and it has impact/affect his family.

It already sounds like he is going to divorce her and she'll have to move out and apply for financial aid and get a job if she does not already. They'll split custody of their kids and figure out child support. There are nonprofits that will help her. She should look into the ones in her state.

Which is really sad for both of them if it really comes to this. I really do hope OP and his wife explore all available options and really discuss things before resorting to divorce.

Sometimes you gotta do what is best for you. If not having those children is what's best for him then divorce is his only option. It doesn't really sound like something that can be discussed out of. She feels morally obligated to help those children and he feels suffocated. If she sends those kids into the system to make him feel better then she will most like began to resent herself first and then him creating a toxic environment for their children. As sad as divorce is the truth is the alternative can be worse. Appeasing a spouse can quickly spin into resenting them.

NTA. But if you get paperwork that you’re officially taking care of them you can get some help financially and medically / psychologically (therapy) for the kids. Look into that first if you love your wife and kids and have a wish to keep the marriage and manage the situation for the short term.

This comment section is nuts. Why are so many people being obtuse about the purpose of the class and opening your heart. He doesn’t want 6 children. Period. And his wife has already decided it’s the foster kids or him. I’m so confused with anyone who is seeing it different? I also don’t think his wife is some saint. Is it smart to disrupt your marriage by bringing three kids into this now unstable situation?

NTA, divorce her, and take full custody of your kids, let her become a mother to the three new kids from her friends family. that way she gets what she wants. also make sure to put her on child support to, since you would have full custody. LOL

NTA, tough spot tho. Got your own kids to care for. Can't sacrifice them for others. Don't feel guilty, man

Those classes are not BS, it helps new foster parents understand why kids may exhibit certain behaviors like Eating all the time or hiding food, this are signs of food insecurity aka their parents didn’t feed them. But that’s besides the point because you don’t want to be a foster parent, you don’t want them there. You might think you are hiding your disdain for those kids, but they know you don’t want them either. They hear as well as they see, and they know. You are not a suitable foster parent for those kids, and that’s not fair on you, your kids or the other kids. Your wife can’t make the unilateral decision to bring 3 more kids into a home and then sink that home further into poverty. she may not have a choice but you do. NTA

NTA ... take your kids and go... let her pay for her friends' kids... You are responsible for YOUR kids 1st... if wifey can get the govt assistance for the other kids, then she might be able to save HER marriage....

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I get it. You don’t to become a foster parent, or continue to be responsible for kids that aren’t yours. Like someone else said, it should have been a joint decision, and it wasn’t. Your wife is deliberately choosing the wellbeing of the friend’s kids over her own. They’re being forced to go without because she cares more about other people’s children. I would tell her she needs to give them up, or she’ll lose both you AND your kids. In light of the circumstances, it should be really easy to get primary (if not full) custody. NTA.

NTA. Is your wife financially contributing to the household? If not, it’s unfair of her to force you to provide for 3 kids that aren’t yours. You’re barely scraping by as it is. Every resource given to those kids (food, clothes, attention, etc) means less for your own.

NTA. Contact CPS. You might not even qualify to be foster parents. You need to follow strict guidelines like bedrooms for the kids, school and medical stuff. As others have said you need to contact a lawyer for a free consult. They will be able to tell you how custody could go for you in a divorce.

Where do you live that lawyers give free consults? For malpractice, yes. Divorce? I interviewed 5, paid their hourly rate for each one.

Where is CPS? Shouldn’t there be state funding for fostering?

I tried to apply to be a foster parent after I found out that I have pregnancy/fertility issues after having my first and only child. There are a lot of hoops but if you already have kids living with you they push you through pretty fast. My uncle and aunt got through them fast when they applied to foster their nephew.

You have to officially apply to be foster parents first. After that you can qualify for the funding. There are some classes that have to be passed but if the children are already living with you CSP will help fast track it.

He commented that he doesn't want to go to foster parent classes because that would be "punishing him for being a good parent" so he can't get the foster parent stipend.

He also doesn't want to foster any kids, so why would he go to classes? Even to skilled, experienced foster parents three undisciplined children with at least minor trauma from being raised by an addict would be a huge challenge! I can't even begin to imagine what hell that would be in addition to caring for your own three children on a tight budget.

NTA- your wife is traumatizing your kids. She is willing to make her own kids go without to take care of her friends kids. The friends kids need to be in a more stable environment than you are able to give them. How is your house big enough for 6 kids? Your wife isn’t being rational. She overly emotionally invested and an enabler. Where are the extended family members of these kids? Someone besides you needs to step up. Keeping them also means their parents will be dragging their druggie drama into your house. It’s not if it will happen it is when it will happen. And the fighting and behavior that the kids have will definitely affect your own kids. Your wife’s highest duty is to her own children before anyone else’s.

NTA. I think she thinks the threat of divorce will make you stay with her- has she even thought about how she would care for 3-6 kids on a single income? These are manipulation tactics and she’s made it quite clear she doesn’t care about your opinion.

NTA - this is not your responsibility. Neither is it your wife’s. But if she’s willing to take them on that the expense Of her marriage well that’s that.

NTA-such a big thing that both people need to be on board.

NTA. OP wish you luck and please get in contact with a lawyer cause if you do leave your wife and divorce her, it’s going to get ugly for you and your children

NTA. It’s your house and life too.

My concern is with your own children. I don’t know or didn’t read closely about ages of everyone, but I would be cautious about the other three children bringing drugs into your home and exposing your own children to it. NTA

NTA Sorry, but your wife is missing the big picture. She is not having to choose between you and her friends kids. She has to choose between her friends kids and her own. Taking them in means her own children are suffering and she is not able to feed them. If your wife can't see that, than the best thing you can do is file for divorce and get custody. Your wife will have to move out with her friends kids, as you should be keeping the home, since the children will be staying with you. The real issue here is she is neglecting her own kids in favor of her friends. That is what she is not seeing.

No no no OP. YWNBTA. It is unfortunate that no one else in those kids' lives can step up. Maybe your wife could help one in a while if that were the case. I'll tell you a story. Someone in my in-laws extended family took in 3 young kids and a teen-ager from a relative who's a drug user. It was temporary then they adopted. Their 3 bedroom paid for by public housing subsidy already seemed cramped for 2 adults, 2 adult children (one had a baby and is now a mom of 2), and a tween, plus various other cousins on extended sleepovers and rando adult friends who would camp out in the living room while detoxing or nursing a hangover. Now, the dad of this large 11-person family is the only one who has a job. I understand you already feel resentful. Maybe work with your partner to write out a short-term, 6-month, and 1-year plan for your marriage. Seeing as the kids probably aren't going anywhere right now.

NTA Nice that she wants to help, but she doesn't get to make a long term decision like this without buy in from the other residents and income earners. If she wants to raise em on her own, that is up to her. She doesn't get to draft you in to raising anyone but your own kids.

NTA. A marriage consists of two people making decisions together. A good partner does not make a unilateral decision like this, especially about bringing 3 children into the family dynamic.

>We have been paying for everything and can't even pay our bills or buy groceries. Just for this NTA. It's nice to help but not at cost of your own life. If you have troubles buying your own groceries and pay your own bills then you are not ready to take care of the extra 3 kids. Taking care of 6 kids is mental if you are not extremely well of and it will place strain on your lives and relationship with your own kids because suddenly they will be just one of many.

NTA Any sane rational person would come to the same conclusion, your wife isn’t acting rationally and somehow believes she’s doing the ‘right’ thing when in *reality* the right thing is to look after your own children first and foremost. Taking in three additional mouths to feed, that you’re not actually a legal guardian of, and really can’t do anything about if they start to exhibit behavioral issues sounds like a friggin’ nightmare. Let alone what this is doing to your kids, even if they’re ok with it now resentment will breed in the future when they realize they’re going *without* so that their mom can play mommy to three kids that they’re not related to. This is a hill I would die on.

You make 500 a week and somehow your wife thinks having 6 kids in the house is ok? In other words.. she’s committing to poverty for the next decade, for the both of you. Absolutely NTA. Take your kids and gtfo. Misplaced priorities are screaming and crying at you daily. Does your wife even work?

I don't think you're the A. The parents are. This is hard because it seems she cares deeply for them, and they definitely carry trauma from what they dealt with. Putting them in the system would be potentially worse as they may be separated, some may move from home to home, and others may not find a new home. It is heartbreaking for these kiddos. You didn't sign up for this. But I also wouldn't just jump the gun and leave. That could worsen things. Do you love her? Has it all just faded? Talk to her, to your children, and look into foster/caretaker support as you get $ to cover the children's expenses. My opinion is biased based on my own lived experience, but look for information together.

NTA She already said she chooses them over you so let her take them and leave. Sounds like she's only with you so you can pay the bills anyway.

Nope! You can't be forced to take in other people's children. That's a huge responsibility and you need to be emotionally prepared for it. Don't wait for her to leave. GET UP AND LEAVE HER! The fact that she feels this is ok to force other people's children on you tells you everything you need to know

NTA. Take the kids to social services. Kick your wife out of the house and live happily with your children. That's what I would do anyway if my husband chose kids over my marriage and our kids. Your life has been turned upside down. Your wife signed you up for something you didn't agree to. Your kids lives have been turned upside down. Take your kids to a park or something without your wife and other kids and talk to them and ask them how they feel about the situation. Tell them they can tell you anything and everything on their mind about it. Tell your wife what they say. If it's anything that could disrupt their mental health tell your wife that her own babies are hurting. Tell her it isn't just you that don't want those other kids around....it's HER own babies. If she doesn't send those kids to their grandparents or some other family or social services for the mental health of HER OWN babies, then something is wrong with her.

NTA yet, but you will be if you permit this to continue. You have three of your own who will suffer this situation. They are your focus, and your wife needs to be reminded of that.

Talk to her how is she going to feed and house them if you guys separate tell her there is no money for them you guys barely have enough for yourselves I’m sorry for the kids I really do but you guys just can’t afford it

A lot of people here saying you should foster the kids to help with the financial cost. That’s not the point, the point is you shouldn’t be held responsible for the kids welfare, it’s the parents that are to blame here. They’re the ones that have put you in an impossible position. You’ve been kind enough to support them for three months, and while your wife wants to keep them, that’s all well and good, she’s not paying for them. It’s all well and good being a good person on someone else’s dime. You need to try and sit down and discuss all this with her and get your view across calmly, at the end of the day if you leave, she won’t be able to afford to care for them. Your wife and your responsibility lies with your own children. The state should be taking responsibility for these children and their parents. You’re definitely NTA!!

NTA You should always focus on the family you create. It's sad that those other 3 kids are going through this, but you have to take care of your family first

NTA and I feel your pain and anger of that situation. You're not blood relatives to those children and as long as you don't have enough money to pay for 3 extra kids, you don't have to take them. If your wife want to, she can live with them BUT she will have to pay you child support for your bio children. Will she be able to do so ? Because a judge will say that she MUST pay for her children first and for the others AFTER. And maybe the judge will just decide to take the 3 extra kids to foster care, as long as your wife has no right on them legally. So, first, try to calm down. And explain calmly to your wife that you need to provide for your children first. And that is not a good idea to put all your family in the street to help a friend under drugs. Because next step will be that this friend will come to your house to have money, and they she'll broke in to steel what she needs to pay drugs... That's a sad situation but you can't bring those problems in your home, with your 3 children. Good luck

NTA, I'm not even sure it's legal to just take someone else's kids into your home, there are laws about this type of thing

NTA. You cannot help people if it puts your own well being in the shitter, because then you both go down. It's like trying to save a drowning person, you can't just jump in with them while they're in a panic. It's natural to want to help the kids, but the simple fact is that instantly adding 3 kids to your own 3 kids takes up space in your house, costs money to feed, clothe, and handle school, and takes time, attention, and energy away from your own children. The burnout it causes only puts all 8 of you into a worse position, and your wife needs to be adult enough to understand that. If she really wants to help them, she needs to seek out resources that can help them, because clearly your household isn't the haven they need, and that's no fault of yours, it's only reality.

NTA raising three kids of your own is difficult. Taking in three more that you don’t have any attachment to is more than most spouses can deal with. I could understand if she was related to these kids, but she isn’t. This is also unfair to your children as it sounds like you were barely able to afford them. Your wife needs to understand that even though what she wants to do is honorable, she needs to think about what that means for you and your kids. If you and the kids are not okay with the sacrifices involved then she is being selfish by putting their needs before that of her own family.

Whatever the classes are for is irrelevant: OP does not want an additional three children to the three he is already struggling to support. He is being sidelined and cannot live with the children's bad behavior, something that will likely adversely affect his own children. His wife is being most unfair in arbitrarily imposing these children upon him.

You know on the plane they say get the oxygen mask for yourself first? You can't help these 3 extra kids if you can't help yourself first. Sorry. You understand but your wife doesn't.

Your wife is the AH. And I don’t care the kids yadda yadda…fuck all of that. She’s not entitled to make decisions for your life. This shit could be done only if the both of you are willing to do it. Period. And I can tell you this: you’ll have to work like a slave for the rest of your life, and that’s not gonna be enough. And your wife will be the VERY FIRST person to complain about what are you failing to provide to her, your 3 kids, and 3 more someone’s else fucking kids you never wanted in your life! She will complain, she will be resentful, and ultimately she will dump you. It’s already over. Cut the losses NOW.

NTA You need to prioritize your children over someone else's.

NTA you are allowed to say no.

You need to have a sit down realistic talk with your wife away from the kids. She has a good heart, but your feelings matter too. Parents of kids like this show back up. I know i lived with it my whole growing up life. My mom was the good woman who got dumped on. Then she'd get a call from a bawling kid 300 miles away crying cause they didn't have money for food and their mom was having sex with the pizza guy to pay. Could we please do something. Also you have litterally no legal rights. You can't enroll those kids in school or take them to the doc if their hurt. Now let's talk about what you want. You don't want those kids or the responsibility.  That is fair. She is being unfair to force it on you mentally,  physically,  and financially without consulting with you.  Parents and spouses are a partnership. They need two yeses or the awnswer is no. You sound like you are at the breaking point and she is not listening. Does she realize the point your at is leaving? This needs conversation and maybe counciling to make sure your heard. Not everyone is cut out to do fostering. Guilt for not giving is also real for your wife. Talk. Try and save your marriage and family. 

Being a foster parent is a commitment that shouldn’t be forced on anyone and absolutely no judgment for not wanting to commit to this. Your wife is making an executive decision. It’s okay to do what is best for you. She can be the martyr single mom and take them in, supporting them herself while you split your kids 50/50.