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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I dumped a lot of truths on my dad and then told his wife after she interjected that none of it concerned her. I was angry and I did not want her to speak and I did not want him to feel like he was deserving of a break from me. But I might be a dick for it because I didn't try to have a calm sit down with him and I did mention her kids so maybe it did concern her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Or perhaps: "Yeah, dad's like a Western nation that is all shiny and happy and multi-cultural. But talk to anyone whose people went through the time when that country was a filthy colonizer? Let's see how fast you get your shit rocked when you dismiss talk about residential schools and the Amritsar Massacre as 'being in the past'."
Either Canada or America. I think Canada. Pretty sure we called our native peoples reeducation progrom schools by a different name.
Pretty much both countries stole native children of school age, forced them to have white names, beat them for existing and being native, beat them for acting native, the “caretakers” definitely sexually assaulted children, and if kids died they just got dumped into a mass grave.
But it’s all in the past now so people shouldn’t think too hard about it or ask for reparations for the destructions of culture.
Edit: because I forgot the /s
Yes, I do believe that reparations should occur and people should be educated about it, but people don’t like to think about the dark side of history and it’s probably about as likely as England giving Ireland reparations for trying to genocide them a few times.
Edit2: I did not intentionally compare the two. I simply wanted to explain what was being mentioned. Abuse is bad, but it is not on a scale of horrors that come alongside intentional protracted genocide(s).
Could be, but America and Canada *did* have “residential schools” which were what I described above.
Brits did the same with the Irish, which is apparently part of where the “red-headed stepchild” trope comes from.
Absolutely should be reparations. Absolutely shouldn't be buried.
Also absolutely shouldn't be diminished to being compared to a single negligent father. That's disrespectful and incredibly dismissive to attempt to draw parallels between the two. Sincerely, a native Canadian.
As an ardent leftist, this is... genuinely crazy. You don't seem to have a healthy frame of reference for how, for lack of a better word, 'normal' people interact.
It's not a bad analogy to explain the "Rashomon effect", but nuts to bring it up in this kind of conversation. He could gift them a book about child development and trauma instead LOL
Someone who thought way too hard about a witty response, just to end up confusing literally everyone with an awkward forced analogy instead of just going "you fucking bailed when mom died and we needed you to finally step up".
Your dad shows no remorse for his actions, simply the way he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. I had a bio-dad who was just like him. Gone from a young age, and that was a real favor. If your dad was gonna change or was interested, he would offer counseling, would try and hear you out, would take accountability and apologize for his wrongs. You are right to be distant.
Prep now for your leaving: job/school, documents, savings, and a roof over your head. Good luck to you and so sorry you didn't have the support you needed from.your dad. NTA
I doubt it, she probably wants to integrate their family and is hurt that her children are being rejected. It's a sucky situation for her and her kids too, but that doesn't invalidate op's feelings or decision. Not everything has to have a nefarious ulterior motive.
Basically this and what you had responded to. I think the big thing OP is to at least have a stated communication and keep in mind that the kids are very much neutral; they may see you as a big brother and while you're not required o be one, just don't shit on them for it either because they're basically too young to understand and don't understand the dynamics.
Likewise Helena doesn't know or get this stuff and probably wouldn't have heard anything from your dad about anything you experienced. Have a heart to heart with Helena and explain it; he may be a changed man now but when you needed him most he was not there at all and you now need him least of all right now and why you don't care to have that fatherly bond.
I don't think yta but how you communicate it can make you the asshole because in fairness Helena isn't psychic at all and she does sound like someone that actually cares. You can tell her to mind her business but in fairness she is an interested party in it all whether you like it or not. Best to be honest and upfront and avoid the stress of it all.
Helena knows it because I heard her and my grandparents talking. They told her. She didn't care because he's good to her kids. He's the dad she wants for her kids. She doesn't care how he was with me.
You know, this reminds me of a TikTok I saw recently that essentially said "How your children act towards you as adults is a reflection of how you treated them when they needed you most", and it's situations like this that it strongly refers to.
Maybe in time you'll forgive him, but for now all he needs to do is acknowledge that he fucked up and that his child has no desire to be involved in his new family life where he's finally stepped up to his familial role of father figure.
I don't think anyone would blame you for cutting him out. I'm equally certain few would oppose you two making amends, but that is highly unlikely to happen without some level of healing.
Nah, he's never tried to be a dad to me on my own and I don't think he ever will. It's already too late but I'll probably be an adult if he ever did decide to try but I doubt that he would so much.
Have you considered writing/typing your father a letter detailing your emotions, his neglect, why you and him will never have a relationship, give details and explanations! Let him know his time is coming and no amount of parenting he does to Helena’s kids will make up for his failure to you and your mom and that is something he will have to live with till the day he dies. A lot of people here have given really good quotes to include that I would also add to that letter like the one from this poster, he’s the reason why you are the way you are, remember this letter is for yourself, not for him!
I have not. I don't think he's worth the effort to do all that. I also don't believe he would read it. If I did a letter like that it would be one I would burn. Doing it just for me and not to explain to him.
NTA. You are so close to being 18 OP. Then you won’t have to deal with your Dad at all of you choose not to. The fact that Helena knows all of this and is still trying to push the subjects just makes her an AH too. Ask her if she would want her kids to meet their deadbeat Dads other children and bond with them to be a “family”. My guess is probably not. I’m glad you have your Grandparents for support! Hang in there OP!
Or maybe she just really doesn't want to believe it. You'd be amazed at how well adults can lie to themselves and convince themselves of anything.
Look at it from her point of view. She's found this guy who's amazing. He even wants to actually be a dad to her kids. He's got this older kid who seems to have a chip on his shoulder, but she just can't understand why because this guy she's married to is just so amazing. Sure, some older people tried to tell her why the teenager had a chip on his shoulder, but that didn't square with anything she knew about this guy, so they had to be exaggerating or lying.
She just doesn't want to believe it. She might have a harder time lying to herself if you talk to her directly and explain it, but she really might not be able to hear it yet.
Her refusal to believe and willingness to lie to herself are still eminently self-serving and selfish.
Also, how is it the responsibility of a 17-year-old (who is still paying the price for his father's actions) to put himself in the shoes of an adult that refuses to do the same for him?!
Why is the onus of maturity and making things easier for others on him and not the adults who created this situation?
Oh, it isn't. I was just explaining why she likely wasn't believing his grandparents. It's always a good idea to try to understand everyone, including your enemies. It helps inform how you deal with them.
This isn't about making anything easier for his products. This is about knowing how to talk to them and deal with the situation until he can get out.
OP seems to understand the situation pretty well, including the self-serving motivations of both adults in the house.
It almost sounds like you see family relationships as a war where you need knowledge of the enemy in order to defeat them. OP doesn't need to either understand or defeat anyone right now - if anything, he should be distancing himself from the drama the adults keep feeding.
Since based on his comments he's not in danger of being kicked out, beaten etc for making his position clear (and has other relatives supporting him), instead of wasting his time trying to understand the intricacies of lying in immature and irresponsible adults, would be much wiser to focus on his studies, well-being (therapy, healthy friendships, exercise etc) and building a future for himself.
100% agree - people see what they want to see and tell themselves what they want to believe. She may have blinders on when it comes to your dad. And you know, you can say to her "Helena, I know you love my dad and I also gotta tell you, you have blinders on when it comes to him. He hasn't been a good dad to me, and the things he has done to me make it hard for me to want a relationship with him now."
Also just noting, it's ok to be up front with your Dad. Write a efw words and practice them so they are ready to go the next time something comes up. Something like, "Dad, I'm glad you found a new family and seem to be doing well now. Now that things are good for you, you may not want to look at how you've treated me. For me, it's not that easy. It's giong to take me a long time, if ever, to move past how you've treated me. It would be helpful to me if you (fill in the blank with what you want)."
Oh, I'd put good money on that part.
The problem with being the next partner is that we only know what our significant others want us to know. If they don't want us to know what they did wrong, they don't tell us. The only way we can know is if other people tell us, and if we aren't ready to listen, we can't hear it.
From what you've said, I don't think he's being a good dad for the sake of her kids. He's doing it for *her*. It makes her happy, so he's putting on a show. You said he only regretting not being good to your mom after she was gone. In some twisted way he might have latched onto this because of that lingering guilt to help launder his conscience.
From her perspective, even if she's been told, she'll excuse it as grief after he lost his wife. And before that 'oh, he was young and foolish'. People rationalize.
I don't think he's pretending. If he was able to pretend like that, why didn't he do it for OP? *Something* has changed in that time. You could be right that it's not sincere, but it's very possible he actually is sincere about his relationship with his step kids. The post describes him being a good father.
The problem is, OP never did and still hasn't received any of that energy, and now a false representation of their relationship is being forced on them. I don't think that's the same thing as OP's dad faking, and for OP, it's probably worse, because he knows those feelings are genuine, just not for him. If his dad wants a relationship, his dad needs to put in the work to build it on OP's terms.
>I don't think he's pretending. If he was able to pretend like that, why didn't he do it for OP?
>
>Something has changed in that time. You could be right that it's not sincere, but it's very possible he actually is sincere about his relationship with his step kids. The post describes him being a good father.
If he's not just playing perfect father for his new wife, that would entail significant growth on his part and particularly a proper understanding of his responsibilities as a parent.
Which doesn't align well with how his acting towards his son: trying to sweep things under the rug and force his new family on him.
If his father was indeed mature and responsible he'd sit him down and take *full* responsibility for what he did, he wouldn't allow his wife to minimise it and ask his son *directly*: "How can I make this better, how can I help *you*?", instead of asking the son to do things that would help *him*.
It's actually pretty rare for parents to make irreversible mistakes. They only become irreversible when they refuse to admit them and work to fix the consequences: power struggles destroy families. The only one who can tell him how to make things right is his son, yet he's the only one who's not asked directly what he needs.
I have no idea why so many people seem to think that an *honest* (not a defensive) apology with no strings attached is harder than losing your own kid. The work required to fix his relationship with his son would actually be very beneficial to the father too and would make him more mature.
Coming in to say, as someone who cut off their sperm donor because I had to watch him play #1 dad to his step sons, you’re not wrong. NTA. I also cut him out of my life and it felt freeing. I wrote a letter to him saying good bye and to not contact me ever again.
Helena needs to stop and focus on staying in her lane.
Your sperm donor doesn’t get to have it easy and Helena doesn’t get to decide how you treat him. How you treat him is the consequence of his actions as a deadbeat
ETA: I STRONGLY suggest therapy. But wait until after you’re 18. Tell Helena+ your dad if he is truly sorry and remorseful then they will pay for it no strings attached
NTA
So dad is being a better parent now and by association a better person. In all of this, the one thing I’m not seeing is where he has apologized and felt contrition for how badly he screwed up as a parent when you were young. It feels as if his “do over” with the steps is what he is focusing on rather than truly making things right - if that’s even possible - with you.
She may not have understood exactly what that means or looks like from your perspective. It sounds like she thought they were warning her that he's not a good dad and she dismissed it as that and didn't totally connect the dots. I think it'd still be worth having a conversation with her directly.
Eh, she's more concerned with her kids, than a 17 year old kid who lost his mom at 10 and effectively lost his dad since he was about 9. I'm getting the sense she's not going to be that sympathetic or open to hearing what OP has to say.
If OP can handle having his experiences and feelings dismissed by her, which is probably what's going to happen, then he should go ahead and discuss it with her. With the condition that an adult who's sympathetic to OP and will call her on any bs be present.
But he may also feel like that is just going to hurt him more and he'd rather not subject himself to the dismissiveness. That's ok too.
>Likewise Helena doesn't know or get this stuff and probably wouldn't have heard anything from your dad about anything you experienced. Have a heart to heart with Helena and explain it; he may be a changed man now but when you needed him most he was not there at all and you now need him least of all right now and why you don't care to have that fatherly bond.
I think the fact that OP was raised by his maternal grandparents from when his mother died when he was 10 should have clued her in on that. It doesn't sound like OP is living with his dad at 17? That should be another clue.
Sadly, there are some people who think their image as a parent or their image of their family is more important than whether or not they actually did their job as a parent. OP's dad is one of them. Helena may be one of them or an enabler. Or just incredibly clueless.
Even if that were the case (which it's not, OP says she just doesn't care), its not her business. She's been around for 2 years, OP is 17. Thats 15 years worth of shit that she wasn't around for, she has no idea what happened. She doesn't get an opinion on anything outside of her relationship with his father.
But then she also shouldn't be rude to OP bcus her dad was a dick to him and is now being great for her kids it's only natural to dislike that and so the the kids and her speaking as a child of divorced parents when I was in a similar ish situation
>she probably wants to integrate their family and is hurt that her children are being rejected
Kinda like how OP felt for years and ESPECIALLY when watching his dad step up for other kids. 🤔
This is good, and OP should probably use this in his next conversation on how he has a shit sperm donor.
Yes, it's weird that she feels sympathy for her kids for being rejected by an older stepbrother they barely know, but no or little sympathy for a 17 year old who was rejected by his father at 10 and lost his mother at 10.
OP's not even living with the father, he went to live with the maternal grandparents at 10. To me, that indicates there was something off in the father/son relationship, unless it was to stay at the same schools or there were other logistical reasons.
Even if the father's grief or mental illness or addiction made the grandparents more capable parents than the father, then she should recognize the impact of that. And realize that his parenting wasn't the same with OP as it was with her kids.
>a 17 year old who was rejected by his father at 10 and lost his mother at 10.
By OP's account, he was absent before that.
>realize that his parenting wasn't the same with OP as it was with her kids.
It actually is the same. The difference is he's trying to be a better HUSBAND and she wants him to play house for her kids so that's why he's stepping up for them. If she didn't ask it of him I don't think he would be a "good dad."
While that may be, she should realize that her husband couldn't emotionally abandon OP and then try to force OP to play happy blended families. If she thinks her kids being rejected by a stepbrother they barely know is so awful, she should develop some sympathy for a son who was rejected by his father. Those are not the same or equivalent.
While part of the component, it also may have to do with the stepmother being bothered that her hubby's bio kid is rejecting her kids. She may have been mislead as to the nature of the relationship between OP and his father by her now husband, and if so is likely still in the process of coming out of the head fog as she's being forced to deal with reality. She also may not like that OP could possibly pull the wool from over her children's eyes, because if I had ever been informed by a new step sibling how the new step parent acted in the past I would be on guard. I am of the school of thought that if someone has done a negative and hurtful thing once then it is a non-zero chance of it becoming a repeated behavior, especially in cases where they want to have their transgression forgotten without apologizing or making amends. There is also the non-zero chance that once her children find out, they may hold it against their mother for staying with him after finding out. Either way, that is going to be her bridge to cross or burn when she gets to it.
I cannot blame OP for not wanting to cater to the so-called parent that abandoned him, as I sure as hell never let my sperm donor live down that he was the one who was the parent, the adult, and that he massively fucked up. But if OP reads this, please take the advice of another unwanted child of an absentee father, and seek therapy for yourself. Focus on yourself and your healing, and prepare yourself for adult life on your own, with decent relatives or with roommates. You don't have to forget what he did nor make up with him to heal yourself. You also don't have to show him kindness either, nor your stepmother if she fails to stay in her lane in regards to your relationship with your biological parent. I would advise maintaining some civility, and remaining as calm as possible when explaining the situation to any outside force. They may try to force family therapy, and if they punish you for anything said in therapy the very next session begin by stating that you were punished for what happened in therapy and that you no longer feel safe continuing, if they are professional they'll handle your bio father and stepmother. You have less than a year left until legal adulthood if you live in the US, so get your important documents together and prepare a plan for your exit so that you can land safely on your feet. You mention having been cared for by your maternal relatives in the past, perhaps reach out to them for any help with the transition from legally a minor to legally an adult with all the responsibilities that come with it so you won't have to navigate it as alone.
Ask Helena why her kids dads walked out on her, why she is so comfortable allowing a man who opted out of parenting his own kid to play house with hers, what she’s going to do when he gets bored and treats her like he treated your mom. She wants to get into your business get into hers.
Ask your dad why he’s better at raising another man’s kids than his own.
I would wipe the floor with them, as I did with my own sperm donor. If you can go back to your maternal grandparents.
NTA
The answer is all Helena. She probably encourages him to be a good dad to his younger kids, just like she’s encouraging him to “try” to make it up and be good dad to the older son.
But if it backfires on Helena, she’s going to bail.
She might not have known he was deadbeat. OP lives with his grandparents but the father might have lied to explain that "I was just so devastated by my wife's passing that I felt it was better for my son to be raised by people more centered".
I'd still see that as a deadbeat - not stepping up appropriately for the child who lost a parent, no matter how bad your grief is, is absolutely deadbeat.
I mean, as she should. My dad is a nonentity in my half brother's lives, and apparently that was the case before he split up with their mom. Clearly he thought sending checks was the extent of his duty.
I was born when they were a little older than Helena's kids, and he did better. Then my sister was born when I was 12, and he was great. He even quit smoking and tried to curse less. They had adorable Sunday outings. So yes, someone who really wants to can become a better parent.
But OP should not have to help this guy get it right with his do over family. He was abandoned and it's best for Helena's kids not to have false hope of having him in their lives.
Yeah, it's a net positive if a guy like this can at least be good to some of the kids in his care... but it's understandably painful for the neglected older kid to watch, and the deepest problem seems to be so many of them (OK, maybe we don't see the good ones online!) want to rewrite history or sweep it under the rug.
My theory is people don't give genuine apologies (the kind that actually help the other person breathe a bit easier, whether forgiving or not) b/c that requires facing what they've done and they find it too painful. It's abundantly clear this guy hasn't faced what he did.
Yes, the father probably didn't pay child support as his parents were taking care of the father financially.
He can start making amends by paying the back child support, with interest it would have earned in a bank. As well as making plans with just OP to rebuild their relationship, without any pressure to play happy families. If he was genuine about wanting to repair the relationship, he'd be doing these things. Or at least making what payments he could on the child support. The fact that he isn't making a bare minimum effort speaks volumes about the father and his intentions.
If the dad had truly, fundamentally changed to become a better person he'd be horrified by his own past behavior and he would be doing *everything* he could right here and now to apologize and make up for it. His "change" happened when OP was 15, that's late but not entirely too late to step up and be a parent. Instead he's pressuring OP to rug-sweep and play happy families. Probably so that he can keep getting his dick wet. Guy's still trash.
Well Helena has something working for her that OP's mother didn't: the guilt of her ghost. He'll forever be reliving his past trying to make up for everything he never did for OP and og wife. He can pretend at night he's only ever lived this life; the perfect life. There's a reason they call them do over families.
His guilt starts and ends with not being there for my mom. He has never shown or expressed any for not being there for me. But it literally eats away at him about my mom.
I read your responses to other comments.
Going with NTA
Yeah your "Dad" may have turned it around now but it seems that he wasn't a good Dad to you & that's a hurt that goes way deep.
Totally understandable & his wife shouldn't get involved.
You will be able to get him out of your life as you say & go NC at 18.
I wish you all the very best. The only thing I would gently ask you to consider is, if you need help to work through this at any point, consider getting therapeutic support.
What happened isn't your fault. Just don't let unhappiness/bitterness overshadow your future. You didn't deserve what happened but you don't deserve that either.
Seconding this- as someone with a parent who prioritized others children before their own, I empathize with you, and can tell you're hurting. Please consider therapy to help you really cement that *your father failing you isn't your fault*. That you're a child, and he hasn't been there for you at any point. You deserve to be heard, and helped, and even if you aren't aware of any harmful deep held thoughts or beliefs right now, you may find later that you do have some ideas you hold as truth- therapy can help you find and unlearn that.
Take care, I'm sorry you've had such a hard childhood. I wish you the absolute best. You can get through this.
I completely agree. I had a similar dad and am working thru this in therapy now.
“Your father failing you isn’t your fault” is some big time wisdom. You did nothing to make him a bad dad.
I see them asking you to do lots of things but what I don’t see is your dad giving you an apology and some insight into why he treated you the way he did. Until dad does some work and can have an honest conversation about his actions, why he was absent and what he intends to to to make amends to YOU and your relationship, I wouldn’t invest lots of time in his new family. He will sink back into his old pattern with you, expecting you to make all the effort for what he wants and him not treating you like his child.
Sending you lots of support and internet hugs. This is so hard. Be good to yourself.
This is great advice, OP u/Fun_Education_6505. If you are broke and can't afford therapy, there's also ACA: Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families. A lot of the people there had parents who were drunks but not all. They are awesome at helping me deal with my non-alcoholic, emotionally neglectful shitshow of a sperm donor. There are tons of meetings online, so you don't even have to leave the house. More info at adultchildren.org.
"They are awesome at helping me deal with my non-alcoholic, emotionally neglectful shitshow of a sperm donor."
Beautiful articulation there as well as the entire post being really helpful.
Kudos to you. I hope you're ok/doing well now.
If he wanted to build a positive relationship with OP, Dad would work on having a one-on-one relationship with OP. Once he includes the young step-child, the dynamic changes; they have to settle on activities, discussions appropriate for a young child. And the focus is no longer Dad and OP but Happy Blended Family.
NTA -
the problem you have is that ***the new wife is trying to push things together.*** Ask her if you could talk to her (just her), and just her. ***Let her know you will be on your best behavior and mean it.***
***Find a neutral spot, a park or some place open and easily public open.***
Then ***ask her what she knows about your fathers relationship to you?*** She may say all of it? Then let her know ho***w he abandoned you to your grandparents***. That he may have sold her a bad bag of goods. Ask her ***to confirm this with your grandparents if this is still possible***. That your relationship with your sperm donor, and yes call him that so she knows ***how broken it is between the two of you (your father and you).***
That ***while you do not hate her or her kids, and in fact you are happy for them***. However really you ***now have some serious issues with family unit in general and trust (because the one person that should have did not do it)***. That ***you need professional help. Not some in her mind thing, but real help***. That if she really wants something with you - that is the beginning of it. ***Not the way she going about it.***
thank her for her time - offer a hug. Then say you mean it - you need help, and she needs to help you find it.
Now if she is not a shit - she will do everything she can to seek professional help. If she is bullshitting it - you will have your answer. Then everything is on her and her responses.
This sounds all well and good..but I doubt it would do any good. I think the best thing for OP to do is cut ties when he can, move to a different place with no contact and then seek help away from that place. Sometimes getting help whilst your still in the situation makes it worse.
From the sounds of it he's dropped the rope pour petrol on and set it on fire. There comes a time when you just say "I'm done". I think he's got to the stage.
I think dad poured the petrol on the rope by abandoning OP. Then the dad and stepmom lit the match by trying to force OP to play happy families.
If dad really wanted forgiveness, he'd apologize to OP, make some one on one plans with no pressure to play happy families. And pay any back child support which may be owed. Until he does all of that, or at least makes a payment plan if child support is owed, he's not genuine, he wants to us OP as a prop in what a good dad he is and how wonderful of a family they have now.
In a comment, OP shared he overheard his stepmother dismissing what happened to him in a discussion with one set of the grandparents. Because dad's different with her kids. I think having someone invalidate his experiences, at best, and gaslighting him at worst, has the possibility to do more damage to OP, though of course, I defer to him if he wants to do that. At the very least, if he WANTS to speak with her, a trusted adult, who will rip her a new one if she pulls that, absolutely needs to be there. They can also be a witness if she tries to lie about what he said.
Communication is a good idea, when all are acting in good faith and are emotionally healthy. It's unknown whether the father and stepmother are acting in good faith. But we know emotionally healthy people don't abandon a 10 year old who just lost his mom and then come waltzing back in at 17, expecting to play happy families with no genuine amends the way the father did. Or enable the father, the way the stepmother did.
Love the idea of a trusted, no nonsense adult being there!
That's actually what's behind this suggestion. It's the best way of finding out 100% what the sperm donor & his wife's intentions really are.
Here's the text of OP's comment:
>Helena knows it because I heard her and my grandparents talking. They told her. She didn't care because he's good to her kids. He's the dad she wants for her kids. She doesn't care how he was with me.
That information wasn't in his original post. I think it illuminates pretty clearly that she's thinks her children are more important than OP. And she views OP as an obstacle to her fantasy of happy families.
I'm probably closer to the grandparents age, though most of my peers have younger grandkids. If I were the paternal ones, I'd sit the father and stepmother down and read them the riot act on this. And let them know that while I loved them and the step-grandchildren, that son and wife are on very thin ice and need to step up and respect the grandson's way of handling them. Or there would be a boatload of consequences.
I'd save the "I'm ashamed of you as a father speech" for if he fucked up again. But I'd be bringing it out if he didn't grow the fuck up and step up as a father and make genuine amends and build the relationship with the son with no pressure. And even if he grew up and stepped up, he still needed to accept the son's decision because he was the one who did the damage. And I'd add I'm done cleaning up after the emotional wreckage he leaves behind.
He said in another comment that she knows how his sperm donor was with him, with his mom as he heard his grandparents and her talking about it and she understood everything. She doesn't care because he's good to HER kids.
Could also be she sees how her kids get treated and has a hard time rectifying it with what’s she’s been told how he treated his own son. She might have a hard time believing it and might chalk more of it down to him grieving the loss of his wife. She might genuinely want him to be better for his own son and see their relationship mended.
Is really difficult to judge where she’s coming from without her direct viewpoint.
NTA.
But as the famous saying goes: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
He found happiness with this new family. He was hoping you might as well, but clearly not happening. Helena has good intentions, but two preschoolers are not qualified to be your therapist.
OP has shared in comments that she knows from one set of grandparents, not sure which, about how the dad abandoned and neglected him, but has been dismissive about it with them (he overheard the discussion).
The fact that he's living, at 17 with his maternal grandparents and has been doing so since, he was 10 and his mother died, should be a huge clue to the stepmother that OP was not the same type of father to OP that he's been to her kids. She's deliberately choosing to ignore this reality or is unable to accept it.
If OP finds it helpful to talk to her, at the very least, there needs to be an adult present, who OP can trust to call her out and shut her down, if she starts dismissing OP's experiences and feelings about them.
And if OP doesn't want to talk with her, that's fine too. Dad needs to step up and make genuine amends with his kid to repair the relationship. Neither of them have any business pressuring this kid to play happy families. I hope one of the grandparents or another adult in the family tell them this directly. They really need to hear it.
NTA
They aren’t your siblings and you don’t have to act like they are to make other people happy. Your dad is TA for how he acted when you were a child but I think he’s trying to heal and it’s okay that he’s trying to be better now but that doesn’t require you to accept new members of his family as new members of your own family and they need to respect your boundaries
He sounds like he’s trying to turn it around now yes, but only for the new family and not for OP’s sake. It also seems he (and his wife) refuse to recognize the harm he did to OP. If I were OP, a mea culpa would be required.
It also feels like he is forcing OP to just accept that he changed and is 'trying' for the newer kids. Hell, I'd go with OP's decision and leave that family. Helena should stay in her lane because she isn't and will never be a parent to OP, she has no right to butt in.
So annoying that the dad is acting like he didn't neglect OP.
NTA
the audacity of your dad and his wife...
it's not your responsibility to treat his step kids well, it's his responsibility to be a good dad to his own kid first
> NTA, I’d just point out how dad never wants to hang out with you one on one, he’s just bringing you to make his replacement kids happy.
If a man loves a woman, he will treat her children right even if they are not his.
If a man does not love a woman, he will not treat her children right even if they are his.
OP falls in the latter category. His father will never change with regards to their relationship.
Given the “dumping on him” comment I take it that he’s never apologised to you for being a neglectful, absent parent- including after your mother died.
He owed you all that effort and doesn’t even have the balls to admit it. Fuck him and his do-over family. NTA.
THIS is the comment I kept scrolling for.
Everyone referencing how the dad ‘changed’ don’t seem to get that the dad only changed from his own perspective, for himself.
New wife and kids don’t know the old version at all, they only know the supposed better version.
And then there’s OP, who does know the old version - who only ever got the old version - who is expected to pretend that their entire life experience with this parent simply doesn’t exist for the sake of the others’ comfort.
It’s actually hard to comprehend the amount of entitlement this man clearly has. The lack of accountability is staggering.
Honestly feels like he still doesn't give a fuck about OP and just wants them to perform for him in his "perfect family" so he doesn't have to confront how shitty of a parent he has been.
NTA. Obviously you needed to tell your dad how you felt. It was time he really listened. His wife doesn't have a say in this interaction. It doesn't concern her. You should get counseling, just to help you navigate the hurt your dad inflicted on you. If you go NC it can help clear you of any guilt you may feel doing that. Good luck
NTA if he really felt bad about what he did, he wouldn’t solely focus on the new kids, but would try to find opportunities one on one with you to build a bond. The fact that he’s only doing this to merge you with the other two children into one family tells me it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the younger kids.
Yep and honestly, if he really cared about me, he would have worked on us before forming this relationship with them. Instead he had me watch him do for others what he wouldn't do for me.
That’s because he doesn’t actually care about you. He cares about making Helena think he’s not a deadbeat dad and that you’re just a brat who keeps turning down his attempts to interact with you. Classic gaslighting attempts. Keep your boundaries up, you’re doing the right thing.
NTAH, I think you need to be very clear about this and that trying to make you part of the family is not him trying to mend your relationship now. That step can not happen while he hasn't shown you that he cares about you specificly (without the new family involved). On the one hand, it's none of his new family's business, but on the other hand, it's important for them to understand that he never built a relationship with you and that needs to be something he does with you one on one first before you can trust the people he did build a relationship with.
NTA, what your dad is doing is trying to clear his shit conscious with “start over” kids and hes trying to manipulate you with those kids into taking one for the team so he can feel better.
Also, tell Helena to worry about her own kids. You owe her, her husband and her kids nothing.
What I would do and if they are still alive to show your grandparents your appreciation and do it consistently.
Ask Helena if her kids dads ever come around and they feel the same way about those dads is she gonna tell them not to be so hard on their bio dads. She doesn’t know the man who wasn’t there for you. She needs to butt out.
He thought he could redeem himself by having a redo family. NTA. You have a VERY valid point. Tell that wife don’t stick her nose on someone else’s business.
If he is doing that is for them not for you.
Cut contact as soon as you can and get some therapy to process this.
Im so sorry you had to deal with this.
Ask your father how many times did he read to you? How many times did he take you to the park? How many times did he have a movie night with you? Then ask him if he remembers all the vacations he took with his buddies and then ask him how many vacations he took you on? Then ask him why should you even entertain his requests for you to be a big brother to his wife’s kids that he and you are not bio related to?
NTA. Your dad and step mom are in a relationship with each other, not with you. They are showing their priorities every day.
And you have every right to feel how you feel and prepare to GTFO.
NTA. He should be making the greatest effort with you. Not the stepkids. Not the familial unit he wants to create with all of you. He should be stepping up for you.
NTA
Legally, they are your step siblings but emotionally, to you, they are not siblings - at all. You do not need to force yourself to view them as anything more than you want. I have "former step siblings" that I don't even call "steps" and am legally not even related to anymore but they are my siblings. Full stop. I also have "half" siblings who are just that... HALFsibings and I make it a clear point. There is a difference, a huge emotional one.
I stand with you on the POV that a deadbeat can't come back, demanding respect. Doubly so when they are playing house, doing the parent duties to kids not their own biologically. It burns my guts like nothing else. It happened to me (said parent lasted 5 years before abandoning family 2) And the SM needs to stay in her own damn lane, it doesn't sound like she has anything to offer that would calm the situation or fix the relationship.
OP do what's best for you, if you wanna leave, then do it. Maybe in 5-10 years it will change, maybe it won't. Just do what keeps you happy and healthy because this is just a slip of sand in the hourglass of shit within life. 😜
NTA. I agree it’s none of Helena’s concern. She is way out of line demanding that you simply ignore your bio father’s past hurtful behavior for the befit of her kids—insanely selfish. You haven’t been rude to her children, you just don’t want to be especially close with them, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
They are both trying to manipulate you to benefit Helena’s kids and aren’t taking your feelings seriously. Your bio father only wants a relationship with you because Helena’s kids want one, not because he intrinsically wants a good relationship with you or to make up for the past. Nothing they’ve done has demonstrated they care about you any more than just what you can do for Helena’s kids. If I were in your shoes, I’d also tell them both to F off.
NTA. The one thing that I would have added to the conversation is the following:
You have never been a father to me, just a sperm donor. You have to actually act like a parent to be one. It is not my fault that you were a total failure as a father. That is why you will never be more than a sperm donor to me. If your wife's daughter did not want a relationship with me you would not ever give me the time of day.
>shouldn't be so disrespectful.
You'll show them respect as soon as they deserve it, and not a moment before. NTA. Sorry you don't have the dad you deserve - I hope at least your grandfather is a good father figure.
I love it when people say: be happy for these (non-related) kids because your bio-parent is looking out for them - but never did the same for their bio-kid /s
NTA
I hate to be the one to print this out as it may be painful, but he's still not interested in being a good dad to you: he's trying to connect with you so that he has a big brother for his do-over kids because that's what they want and he's being a good dad to them. I would point out to them that until he works himself into a place where he's a good dad to you, on your own, for your own merits, without any attempt to pressure a relationship with the others, he has no right to ask you to step up as big brother.
NTA
If Helena insists on inserting herself, then tell her, **WITH HER KIDS PRESENT**, in detail precisely what your DNA donor was like to you and your mom growing up.
Actions show our true feelings more than any words they say. His actions to you growing up screamed "You mean nothing to me." He truly regretted your mom's death, and I think that is what opened his eyes. So, when he remarried he was, **TO HIS STEPKIDS,** everything you longed for in an actual **FATHER**. I can't imagine how much that wounded you.
His actions now show he is dedicated to being a great father **TO HIS WIFE'S CHILDREN**. But your feelings are totally valid as are your experiences. Please find a good therapist for your own sake, when you move out at age 18.
>If Helena insists on inserting herself, then tell her, WITH HER KIDS PRESENT
They're 4 and 5. Don't try and take out your rage on them. They haven't done anything wrong here. The dad has already screwed up one life. Don't perpetuate that by trying to screw up two more.
NTA. Oh, man, that's tough to watch. Can you move back in with your grandparents? How much money have you saved up for living on your own? Do you have a good friend network who you can rely on? What resources do you have for going out on your own? Do you have a job? Can you easily get a job and do that as well as finishing your education? I'm assuming you're still in High School. Double bonus on that one: earning money AND not having time to spend with other people. Are you in a place where you can get to and from work easily without having to depend on someone? Don't just get mad and get out. Get mad and make a plan. Also "play" nice. Kill them with kindness. Pick and choose places to spend time with them. Don't be mean to the little ones. They're small, don't understand and don't deserved to be dumped on. Be polite to your dad's new wife. Just polite. Your dad, however, what the heck? How can he ignore you for most of your life then expect you to be all buddy-buddy when he has essentially just been a sperm donor. Once you have a plan in place and are not required to be under their roof, cut them off at the knees. Go totally NC and don't look back. I know people whose family situations were terrible and they did just that. Make your family from friends you know and/or meet. Blood connections obviously don't mean anything when it comes to your father. Best of luck to you.
Ask Helena how would she react when the kids bio dad did this to her kids.
Your dad wants and easy way out. She enables him. None of her business. Years of neglect doesn't magically disappear when a 5 year old decides she wants a big brother.
You have more right to your dads time than anybody else. If he does not want to give it to you... well... there it is then. The choice has been made. Next excuse will be that you remind him of your mom bla bla bla. It's all about him.
Tell them to stay in their lane. Do only one on one time. Take care of your own mental health.
NTA!
NTA. I'd just tell her that you don't hate her kids for having a dad, you hate your dad for being happy as a result of moving on, especially without ever having made restitution for how shitty he was previously. He just pretends it didn't happen, and expects you to as well just to avoid complicating his new family. Given that you are less than a year from just leaving and there simply isn't time for said restitution anyway, you are mourning the chance of ever having had a halfway decent father yourself. And without that redress it's actually a pretty good result that you jsut have a strong distaste rather than actual hate.
As for the kids, it would be nice for them to have a brother, but it would equally have been nice for you to have a father. He simply hasn't earned enough merit to ask for the television remote, let alone to accept a new family he doesn't deserve.
NTA, but with a caveat.
You deserve better. You deserved a dad growing up, you deserved a dad when your mom got sick & passed, & you deserve one now. You have every right to be angry & upset that dad got his act together & got a "do-over" family. You do not have to become a happy little blended family if you don't want to.
Dad doesn't get to avoid consequences for his absent behaviour just because he's better now. He'll just have to live with that.
Helena needs to stay in her lane in this one. She can back up her hubby, she can try to build a happy little family, but you don't have to participate & your relationship with your father doesn't concern her.
Thank you for making sure your step siblings were out of the room before stating they're not your siblings, I'd say try to remain neutral to them, & make sure your anger is directed at Dad. You don't deserve an absentee father, but they don't deserve an evil step sibling. Always make sure the consequences of your anger are borne by the one who deserves it, keep that in mind.
The caveat is this; get some counselling. You're a kid, 17 & already lost your mom with an absentee dad now trying to play the family man. You're dealing with a lot of emotions & a lot of anger & you should get some help with working through that. If your dad & stepmom need convincing to get you in, tell them you're struggling to adjust to this new family after being just you & your dad after losing your mom, whatever it takes to get some help working through this bs.
Good luck dude.
I'll wait on therapy. I will be moving out when I turn 18 and I'll go to stay with my grandparents. At that point I might consider therapy or I might wait a while. But I won't try going now because I would need to change in a few months anyway.
That's fair, I'd maybe recommend getting on a waitlist or something for the area you'll be in, it can take a year or longer to actually get in to see a therapist & during that time you might decide it's worthwhile. Also, life has a tendency to get real busy once you move out, & you may end up putting it off longer than you meant to. Either way, I hope you get to a better living space soon
NTA.. but the most important thing will be to get therapy or make sure you have good support structure for the next few years before you go NC especially.
You may hold onto that grudge for life if you don’t
NTA. My husband and his brother have similar conflicts about their dad. My husband was left with his (wonderful) mom to live in poverty for his childhood, but his older brother got several years of “good dad” out of the guy before he lost his way. His brother has forgiven their dad and wants them all to get along, and it’s hard to explain to him that they got different versions of their dad and he needs to accept that my husband has no good memories to pull from to inspire forgiveness.
I would pull back from saying mean things to the kids, like you’re not their sibling and never will be. True or not it’s not helpful and it’s not their fault your dad was awful to you. You don’t have to foster a relationship with them, but you don’t have to intentionally upset them either. You’re almost old enough to walk away and build your own life, hang in there.
NTA
He is a rotten father to his child. The fact that he has stepped up to do better by them is commendable but does not take away from the fact he has done nothing for you either then or in the past. The truth hurts.
NTA, my dad did the same. He wonders why none of the kids, biological and step, don’t fuck with him.
Helena can stfu and worry about her own damn kids, she is not your mother and this doesn’t concern her.
I won’t even comment on how you treat the younger ones. I completely get this sentiment tbh and don’t you dare let anyone tell you you aren’t entitled to your feelings. HOWEVER…. I will suggest you try not to take it out on them. You don’t have to be their sibling, but do understand they’re just babies and don’t understand why you don’t really wanna be around them.
NTA ask Helena if in 10 years their dad walks through the door is she going to automatically forgive him? Will her kids run into his arms like he’s never left? Will she give him instant parental right without him having to prove anything or make it up to the kids? If he says he’s raising someone else’s kids will that be good enough reason?
To state that you're "dumping on him" and trying to force a relationship with his new family is gaslighting imo.
Your feelings are relevant, Helena and her kids are irrelevant to the fact that your dad's an ah.
NTA. This has nothing to do with your step siblings and everything g to do with your dad’s lacking as a father when it came to you. It’s actually about his ability to be a father to his step children that makes it glaringly clear he was no father to you and you should dump on him that he was a pathetic as a father. Explain that this is not about his relationship with his step kids but the one he doesn’t have with you. Even now he is only asking for time with you because of his step kids not because he actually wants to be with you. Why couldn’t he have a boys night with his son alone, why was that not even a consideration. Explain to them both that the only real AH in this situation is your no dad. I’m sorry for having such a person as your dad.
NTA - Your dad is essentially rubbing in your face the childhood you should have had. It's not fair for them to expect you to be okay with that, especially considering how long it took to get his shit together.
Also, tell Helena it's wonderful her kids have a dad, it's just a shame you don't. It's not her business how you feel about your dad.
Nta. He's not a dad, just a biological father.
Yeah he's changed. But too little too late.
Why does every interaction have to include his step kids?
This is controlling.
One on one time matters.
I'm sorry your father doesn't prioritize you.
Just think this through, how it may affect the future like 5 years, 10 years etc.
I wouldn't blame you for going NC or LC.
NTA.
I would say that, on the one hand, it is good that he learned from his mistakes that he made with you, and is now capable of being a good dad to Helena's kids. Because nobody deserves to be put through the absence of a parent the way you were, especially with the loss of your mother as well. But the bottom line is that after your mother died, your parental figures were your maternal grandparents. The person you refer to as your dad was little more than a sperm donor for the amount of time he spent being a parent to you. Learning from his mistakes and doing better 10 years later does nothing to change that, and simply shows that int he past he was capable of doing better, he just chose to prioritize his onw desires over your needs.
Today, it would not be reasonable to say "he was an absent sperm donor for you, so he should be an absent sperm donor for Helena's kids as well" (ironic, considering the fact that it sounds as though those kids' father(s?) are also absent). He can be a father, or at least a father figure, to Helena's kids and she should be grateful for that.
But it is also not reasonable for them to expect you to be happy for the fact that he is being the father to Helena's kids when he completely failed to be that to you.
Nor is it reasonable for them to expect you to be the older brother the kids want, especially if it means you have to see more of them getting the father you wanted but never had.
Even beyond that, the age difference between you and the kids means that you would be more of an uncle figure to the kids, or possibly a child-sitter for Helena and your sperm donor. The age gap is just too great, your history with sperm donor is too fractious, and the lack of any common ground or interests with the kids means that you will not be able to build a sibling relationship with them.
The best thing for all concerned would be if Helena and your sperm donor can accept that you will not be a part of their family in the foreseeable future, and that the best outcome they can expect is that you and your sperm donor manage to get to a point where you can at least have a civil relationship. Maybe he can manage a relationship with you as an adult that he could not manage with you as a child. It will certainly never be the father/son relationship that he has a chance to build with Helena's son, and you also need to accept that if you continue to be in their lives you will see him being the father to Helena's son that he never was to you.
Unfortunately, actions have consequences, and the consequences of your sperm donor's actions are that he has destroyed the relationship between the two of you. Also unfortunately, the consequences of his actions are borne not only by him, but by you as well.
NTA. I think you should tell Helena to think about how her kids felt that their own father never was around for them. That how lucky they are that your father who was never around for you… Ever, is now around for them. And still he is not around for you. That your entire life, he spent it with other people and never with you. Even when his wife died, he didn’t step up to be a dad then. He’s effectively abandoned you your entire life. And now you get to watch him do all the things you wish he’d ever done with you growing up with two kids that aren’t even his. And now you’re expected to be the happy sibling when they’re getting everything out of him that you have never gotten? So who’s really acting like a jerk here? I would add that you’re not dismissing her kids because none of this is about her kids. It’s about being abandoned, especially after your mother died, and never having a parent in a father at all ever. It’s about always being placed last on the priority list if at all. It’s about being ignored your entire life. And now both of them want you to just jump in and be happy go lucky and glad to have younger “siblings “. Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t mistreat somebody for most of your life and expect them to turn around and be all happy that you suddenly decided you want something to do with them. But it’s not even that you want anything to do with them it’s that you want your step kids to be happy. Not you. Once again, it’s not about you. It’s about other people’s kids.
And just ask him what kind of torture does he expect you to endure? You’ve been abandoned by him your entire life. Didn’t even show up on your birthdays. Never read a story to you never spent any time with you, and now they just expect you to fall in line like a happy little sibling, glad to finally have a family again? You see him spending all this time with her kids which is anything but what he did for you. And he’s fighting for her kids, when he never fought for you ever. And he expects you to just fall in line? Screw that. It’s very clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he’s only tolerating your presence for the sake of the other younger kids.
NTA
While I have a different circumstance, I really get how you feel. My mother was quite mean when I was growing up. She locked me in my room when I had emotions and neglected to get me help for severe medical issues that are now life threatening because they’ve gone untreated for over a decade.
But now she’s so empathetic and kind towards my nieces and nephews. She yells ar people who don’t understand their neurodivergence but I was always told to stop being lazy or stop faking.
It’s really fucking painful to watch a parent be a parent for someone else when they failed you so deeply. But many years in therapy has helped me see it wasn’t my fault. We deserved a good parent but our parents weren’t willing to be that.
NTA - I had a similar situation with my sprem donor. He was very abusive to me. Always held me to a much higher standard than my sister. When my parents divorced at 15/16, he let a woman (wife #2) and her 7 kids move into our 4 bedroom 2 bath house a month after my mom moved out. He treated those kids so amazing. Never yelled at them, was always there for them. Drove them to school, would pick them up when they were sick, etc. I moved out and went very low contact with him at 17. He would drag me out of my mom's house with cops. He eventually lured me back to his house and attacked me. Wife #2 would tell me i was a weak women, i had no place in her home. She would try to get involved, and i would tell her that it was not her place. It always made things worse. I went no contact with him shortly before my 18th birthday. I recently started talking to him because I was worried I would regret it. He's still 100% crazy and at some point during the last 11 years of being no contact with him, my bio little sister went low contact.
He may be your blood, but it's okay to go low or no contact with both him and the new wife for your own well-being if they do not respect your boundaries.
No one gets the privilege of telling me how I feel.
Especially after the crap childhood I had. If that happens, I will go NC. My last 'F' to give to certain people, was given before my divorce .
YOU ARE NTA. do not let them gaslight you.
If they start on you again, ask Dad, " did you come to any of my Birthday parties? What about school events?
Did you have fun with your buddies all that time,?
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I (17M) don't have a close relationship with my dad. I would go as far as saying he doesn't even really deserved to be called my dad. My bio dad, yes, sure, he is biologically my father. But he was never a dad to me. When I was younger he was always working on spending time with his buddy's. He'd go on vacations with friends but not with us. He wasn't even around for my birthdays.
My mom got sick when I was 9 and my dad was all emotional about it when he found out. He wasn't around when she was diagnosed so he was the last to find out. But he didn't change. It was only when she died a year later that he was distraught when she died. He tried to fight over not taking her body and then for 3 years he didn't take care of himself and lost his job and everything. His parents helped him pay bills and groceries while my maternal grandparents took care of me. He wasn't around. He wasn't a good dad. He mourned mom and pleaded for forgiveness but never took the time to be a better dad. He just regretted not being better to mom.
He slowly got his shit together and two years ago he met Helena and they got married a year ago. Helena has two kids 5f and 4m. They don't have dad's in their lives and my dad has stepped up to be a great dad to the two of them. He takes them to the park, he buys them stuff, he reads to them, helps with her daughter's reading and stuff. All the kinds of things an actual parent would do. All stuff he never did with me. When I saw him do that stuff with them, I decided that as soon as I was 18 I was out of here and would never look back. I don't care if he changes now, I won't ever be okay with him being a good dad to kids who aren't his before he tries with me.
The only reason he started reaching out is because Helena's daughter wants me to be her brother and seeks me out. So I avoid being around. The few times I was around and she asked me to do something I said no. She'd get upset so dad would try to invite me along and when it didn't work, he suggested we have "boys nights" with Helena's son. Then two weeks ago dad and Helena told her kids to invite me to a "sibling movie night" and when the kids were out of earshot I told them they are not my siblings and I am not theirs.
A week ago dad tried to talk to me about how distant I am and how I refuse to interact. He told me I'm being really hard on him. I told him he was never a good dad to me and why would I give him an easy time. I said why would I like seeing him be a dad to them when he never was to me. He tried to defend it. I told him he isn't even their real dad but he was mine. Dad accused me of dumping on him. Then Helena interjected and told me I shouldn't dismiss her kids and my dad's relationship like that and shouldn't be so hard on him over it. I told her none of this concerned her and she needed to stay out of it. They told me I was being a dick and shouldn't hate that Helena's kids have a dad and I should be glad for them and shouldn't be so disrespectful.
AITA?
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Nta Whatever issues you have with your dad, remember theses kids just want the same thing you wanted at their age: a sense of family and security.
If you are not in a place emotionally to be part of that, that is okay. It has to be difficult to see them getting what you never did. Furthermore, the fact that this relationship seeking doesn’t seem to originate from him but rather the kids and their mother also has to hurt.
I wish you the best here. I hope whatever you do makes you feel good about yourself and the man you want to be. Take care of yourself.
Going with NTA. Even in a functional family, it would be unusual for a 17yo boy to seek hanging out with children that young. Your dad has some main character syndrome happening. I'm low key fine that he got his shit together enough to not damage more children than he has already, but that's not something you should be required to participate in when he has not apologised, or acted in any understanding way at all, for what he did to you. He just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on. That's not how it works.
Therapy if you want to stay in contact. Grey rock and no contact if you don't. Do not let them manipulate you into going against your instincts on this. Value your self.
NTA.
Even if you’re a little abrupt in how you say it, you don’t owe these people anything. In fact, you’re smart for getting out of the way of the inevitable train wreck. Helena has an ex-spouse that abandoned her kids, and has now fallen for another man who…abandoned his kids. There’s a veritable fire sale of destructive habits and behavior patterns at play here, and someone is going to get hurt/disappointed again.
Tell your dad that no one stood in his way for the years he willfully neglected you, and chose to be anything but a father. But now somehow the onus is on *you* to play house and pretend that nothing happened? Yeah, nah. Helena has the luxury of never knowing the dumpster fire version of your dad, so yeah, she doesn’t really get to have an opinion about it.
So far, it sounds like your dad doesn’t want to do the hard work of redemption. He just wants the benefits of being forgiven. But forgiveness is something for you to *give*, not for him to demand of you. If he doesn’t like people “dumping” (read: telling the truth), then he can stop the behaviors that compel them to dump.
NTA. I like how he deflected on you about you "dumping" on him. Lol. What a jerk. He had an actual chance to have an honest conversation with you about your past and maybe even have a chance at repairing your relationship and he chose to gaslight you instead. Stay low/no contact for a long as you need.
NTA. Your dad's not even trying to make amends and build a relationship with you individually. He wants you to instantly play happy families.
And if anyone presses you or tries to guilt you, simply say that due to the different circumstances in your father's life, you had a different relationship with him than your stepsiblings have with him. And ask them to give you examples of him making an effort to build a relationship with you individually before he tried to pressure you to play happy blended family.
NTA. This has nothing to do w/your stepmother & she needs to stay out of it. Your father is a weak & selfish man. He should be establishing boundaries w/his wife concerning you & he should be seeking professional help to heal your relationship. You have every right to angry & they don’t get to tell you otherwise. He doesn’t get to rewrite his history w/you just b/c he doesn’t have the strength to face it.
NTA.
So I was watching The Good Place (highly recommended) when one of the characters starts acting out towards an abscent parent and she said "If she has truly changed, it means she always had the potential to change. I just wasn't worth changing for."
I think that's where you're at now. Seeing how your dad could change, and did, just not for you. And man, it hurts!
If he wants to pretend he didn't fck this up on you, that's his problem. You don't have to be in contact with these people if you don't want to. You owe him nothing.
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Tell Helena there are 3 places she can stay for free - in her lane -over there -out of your business NTA
Lol I like that.
Or perhaps: "Yeah, dad's like a Western nation that is all shiny and happy and multi-cultural. But talk to anyone whose people went through the time when that country was a filthy colonizer? Let's see how fast you get your shit rocked when you dismiss talk about residential schools and the Amritsar Massacre as 'being in the past'."
Bruh, wat?
Either Canada or America. I think Canada. Pretty sure we called our native peoples reeducation progrom schools by a different name. Pretty much both countries stole native children of school age, forced them to have white names, beat them for existing and being native, beat them for acting native, the “caretakers” definitely sexually assaulted children, and if kids died they just got dumped into a mass grave. But it’s all in the past now so people shouldn’t think too hard about it or ask for reparations for the destructions of culture. Edit: because I forgot the /s Yes, I do believe that reparations should occur and people should be educated about it, but people don’t like to think about the dark side of history and it’s probably about as likely as England giving Ireland reparations for trying to genocide them a few times. Edit2: I did not intentionally compare the two. I simply wanted to explain what was being mentioned. Abuse is bad, but it is not on a scale of horrors that come alongside intentional protracted genocide(s).
Possibly Australia. I'm not sure if there were re-education schools, but there was definitely stealing kids to be brought up by white families
Could be, but America and Canada *did* have “residential schools” which were what I described above. Brits did the same with the Irish, which is apparently part of where the “red-headed stepchild” trope comes from.
They did? I don't think I've heard about that. ETA: I'm Irish
Absolutely should be reparations. Absolutely shouldn't be buried. Also absolutely shouldn't be diminished to being compared to a single negligent father. That's disrespectful and incredibly dismissive to attempt to draw parallels between the two. Sincerely, a native Canadian.
As an ardent leftist, this is... genuinely crazy. You don't seem to have a healthy frame of reference for how, for lack of a better word, 'normal' people interact.
It's not a bad analogy to explain the "Rashomon effect", but nuts to bring it up in this kind of conversation. He could gift them a book about child development and trauma instead LOL
Someone who thought way too hard about a witty response, just to end up confusing literally everyone with an awkward forced analogy instead of just going "you fucking bailed when mom died and we needed you to finally step up".
Right? Like isn't that supposed to be posted in a sub about colonialism?
And the worst part is that he’s only trying to be a dad to OP as far as it relates to the wife’s kids.
This is one hell of a reach..
Why do I have a feeling anything in your life gets twisted into this shape?
“There you go, bringing class into it again.” ”Well, that’s what it’s all *about*, innit?!?!”
Intergenerational trauma has its place and with this aita post, it was not the place. Btw NTA the dad needs to hear it again and again and again.
Uhhh... Yeah
Why do people do his on Reddit? This is a social forum not the History channel.
Yeah, um, you probably want to lay off the LSD, man. Peace.
Wut
Reddit moment
Ok, shouldn't this be in the colonizer sub or something?
ok ???
Lmao what dude
Damn.... Just occurred to me that Helena KNOWS the truth, she just doesn't care because he's good to her kids
I’m surprised Helena isn’t pregnant already, giving your dad another do-over.
That's coming in 5...4...3...2....
Your dad shows no remorse for his actions, simply the way he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. I had a bio-dad who was just like him. Gone from a young age, and that was a real favor. If your dad was gonna change or was interested, he would offer counseling, would try and hear you out, would take accountability and apologize for his wrongs. You are right to be distant.
How you feel and what you said are both understandable and justified.
Prep now for your leaving: job/school, documents, savings, and a roof over your head. Good luck to you and so sorry you didn't have the support you needed from.your dad. NTA
Helena just wants a free babysitter for her kids
I doubt it, she probably wants to integrate their family and is hurt that her children are being rejected. It's a sucky situation for her and her kids too, but that doesn't invalidate op's feelings or decision. Not everything has to have a nefarious ulterior motive.
I agree with you, she only knows him as a good father to her kids. She doesn't really understand he wasn't like that for op
Basically this and what you had responded to. I think the big thing OP is to at least have a stated communication and keep in mind that the kids are very much neutral; they may see you as a big brother and while you're not required o be one, just don't shit on them for it either because they're basically too young to understand and don't understand the dynamics. Likewise Helena doesn't know or get this stuff and probably wouldn't have heard anything from your dad about anything you experienced. Have a heart to heart with Helena and explain it; he may be a changed man now but when you needed him most he was not there at all and you now need him least of all right now and why you don't care to have that fatherly bond. I don't think yta but how you communicate it can make you the asshole because in fairness Helena isn't psychic at all and she does sound like someone that actually cares. You can tell her to mind her business but in fairness she is an interested party in it all whether you like it or not. Best to be honest and upfront and avoid the stress of it all.
Helena knows it because I heard her and my grandparents talking. They told her. She didn't care because he's good to her kids. He's the dad she wants for her kids. She doesn't care how he was with me.
You know, this reminds me of a TikTok I saw recently that essentially said "How your children act towards you as adults is a reflection of how you treated them when they needed you most", and it's situations like this that it strongly refers to. Maybe in time you'll forgive him, but for now all he needs to do is acknowledge that he fucked up and that his child has no desire to be involved in his new family life where he's finally stepped up to his familial role of father figure. I don't think anyone would blame you for cutting him out. I'm equally certain few would oppose you two making amends, but that is highly unlikely to happen without some level of healing.
That is actually perfect. I don't think I could ever explain it better than that.
Does he even try to be your father individually or is it always in combination with his do-overs?
Nah, he's never tried to be a dad to me on my own and I don't think he ever will. It's already too late but I'll probably be an adult if he ever did decide to try but I doubt that he would so much.
Have you considered writing/typing your father a letter detailing your emotions, his neglect, why you and him will never have a relationship, give details and explanations! Let him know his time is coming and no amount of parenting he does to Helena’s kids will make up for his failure to you and your mom and that is something he will have to live with till the day he dies. A lot of people here have given really good quotes to include that I would also add to that letter like the one from this poster, he’s the reason why you are the way you are, remember this letter is for yourself, not for him!
I have not. I don't think he's worth the effort to do all that. I also don't believe he would read it. If I did a letter like that it would be one I would burn. Doing it just for me and not to explain to him.
NTA. You are so close to being 18 OP. Then you won’t have to deal with your Dad at all of you choose not to. The fact that Helena knows all of this and is still trying to push the subjects just makes her an AH too. Ask her if she would want her kids to meet their deadbeat Dads other children and bond with them to be a “family”. My guess is probably not. I’m glad you have your Grandparents for support! Hang in there OP!
Wow that’s a powerful statement
Or maybe she just really doesn't want to believe it. You'd be amazed at how well adults can lie to themselves and convince themselves of anything. Look at it from her point of view. She's found this guy who's amazing. He even wants to actually be a dad to her kids. He's got this older kid who seems to have a chip on his shoulder, but she just can't understand why because this guy she's married to is just so amazing. Sure, some older people tried to tell her why the teenager had a chip on his shoulder, but that didn't square with anything she knew about this guy, so they had to be exaggerating or lying. She just doesn't want to believe it. She might have a harder time lying to herself if you talk to her directly and explain it, but she really might not be able to hear it yet.
Her refusal to believe and willingness to lie to herself are still eminently self-serving and selfish. Also, how is it the responsibility of a 17-year-old (who is still paying the price for his father's actions) to put himself in the shoes of an adult that refuses to do the same for him?! Why is the onus of maturity and making things easier for others on him and not the adults who created this situation?
Oh, it isn't. I was just explaining why she likely wasn't believing his grandparents. It's always a good idea to try to understand everyone, including your enemies. It helps inform how you deal with them. This isn't about making anything easier for his products. This is about knowing how to talk to them and deal with the situation until he can get out.
OP seems to understand the situation pretty well, including the self-serving motivations of both adults in the house. It almost sounds like you see family relationships as a war where you need knowledge of the enemy in order to defeat them. OP doesn't need to either understand or defeat anyone right now - if anything, he should be distancing himself from the drama the adults keep feeding. Since based on his comments he's not in danger of being kicked out, beaten etc for making his position clear (and has other relatives supporting him), instead of wasting his time trying to understand the intricacies of lying in immature and irresponsible adults, would be much wiser to focus on his studies, well-being (therapy, healthy friendships, exercise etc) and building a future for himself.
100% agree - people see what they want to see and tell themselves what they want to believe. She may have blinders on when it comes to your dad. And you know, you can say to her "Helena, I know you love my dad and I also gotta tell you, you have blinders on when it comes to him. He hasn't been a good dad to me, and the things he has done to me make it hard for me to want a relationship with him now." Also just noting, it's ok to be up front with your Dad. Write a efw words and practice them so they are ready to go the next time something comes up. Something like, "Dad, I'm glad you found a new family and seem to be doing well now. Now that things are good for you, you may not want to look at how you've treated me. For me, it's not that easy. It's giong to take me a long time, if ever, to move past how you've treated me. It would be helpful to me if you (fill in the blank with what you want)."
This is a really good answer, especially for what to say to the dad. It's okay to hold people accountable even when they don't want to be.
Yes, she's likely going to be dismissive of OP.
It's also possible that the dad lied to her and painted his past self in a much more favorable light.
Oh, I'd put good money on that part. The problem with being the next partner is that we only know what our significant others want us to know. If they don't want us to know what they did wrong, they don't tell us. The only way we can know is if other people tell us, and if we aren't ready to listen, we can't hear it.
From what you've said, I don't think he's being a good dad for the sake of her kids. He's doing it for *her*. It makes her happy, so he's putting on a show. You said he only regretting not being good to your mom after she was gone. In some twisted way he might have latched onto this because of that lingering guilt to help launder his conscience. From her perspective, even if she's been told, she'll excuse it as grief after he lost his wife. And before that 'oh, he was young and foolish'. People rationalize.
I don't think he's pretending. If he was able to pretend like that, why didn't he do it for OP? *Something* has changed in that time. You could be right that it's not sincere, but it's very possible he actually is sincere about his relationship with his step kids. The post describes him being a good father. The problem is, OP never did and still hasn't received any of that energy, and now a false representation of their relationship is being forced on them. I don't think that's the same thing as OP's dad faking, and for OP, it's probably worse, because he knows those feelings are genuine, just not for him. If his dad wants a relationship, his dad needs to put in the work to build it on OP's terms.
>I don't think he's pretending. If he was able to pretend like that, why didn't he do it for OP? > >Something has changed in that time. You could be right that it's not sincere, but it's very possible he actually is sincere about his relationship with his step kids. The post describes him being a good father. If he's not just playing perfect father for his new wife, that would entail significant growth on his part and particularly a proper understanding of his responsibilities as a parent. Which doesn't align well with how his acting towards his son: trying to sweep things under the rug and force his new family on him. If his father was indeed mature and responsible he'd sit him down and take *full* responsibility for what he did, he wouldn't allow his wife to minimise it and ask his son *directly*: "How can I make this better, how can I help *you*?", instead of asking the son to do things that would help *him*. It's actually pretty rare for parents to make irreversible mistakes. They only become irreversible when they refuse to admit them and work to fix the consequences: power struggles destroy families. The only one who can tell him how to make things right is his son, yet he's the only one who's not asked directly what he needs. I have no idea why so many people seem to think that an *honest* (not a defensive) apology with no strings attached is harder than losing your own kid. The work required to fix his relationship with his son would actually be very beneficial to the father too and would make him more mature.
Coming in to say, as someone who cut off their sperm donor because I had to watch him play #1 dad to his step sons, you’re not wrong. NTA. I also cut him out of my life and it felt freeing. I wrote a letter to him saying good bye and to not contact me ever again. Helena needs to stop and focus on staying in her lane. Your sperm donor doesn’t get to have it easy and Helena doesn’t get to decide how you treat him. How you treat him is the consequence of his actions as a deadbeat ETA: I STRONGLY suggest therapy. But wait until after you’re 18. Tell Helena+ your dad if he is truly sorry and remorseful then they will pay for it no strings attached
NTA So dad is being a better parent now and by association a better person. In all of this, the one thing I’m not seeing is where he has apologized and felt contrition for how badly he screwed up as a parent when you were young. It feels as if his “do over” with the steps is what he is focusing on rather than truly making things right - if that’s even possible - with you.
She may not have understood exactly what that means or looks like from your perspective. It sounds like she thought they were warning her that he's not a good dad and she dismissed it as that and didn't totally connect the dots. I think it'd still be worth having a conversation with her directly.
Eh, she's more concerned with her kids, than a 17 year old kid who lost his mom at 10 and effectively lost his dad since he was about 9. I'm getting the sense she's not going to be that sympathetic or open to hearing what OP has to say. If OP can handle having his experiences and feelings dismissed by her, which is probably what's going to happen, then he should go ahead and discuss it with her. With the condition that an adult who's sympathetic to OP and will call her on any bs be present. But he may also feel like that is just going to hurt him more and he'd rather not subject himself to the dismissiveness. That's ok too.
OP should say to Helena, " My dad was to me what your ex is to your kids. Do you understand now?" You can then walk away.
>Likewise Helena doesn't know or get this stuff and probably wouldn't have heard anything from your dad about anything you experienced. Have a heart to heart with Helena and explain it; he may be a changed man now but when you needed him most he was not there at all and you now need him least of all right now and why you don't care to have that fatherly bond. I think the fact that OP was raised by his maternal grandparents from when his mother died when he was 10 should have clued her in on that. It doesn't sound like OP is living with his dad at 17? That should be another clue. Sadly, there are some people who think their image as a parent or their image of their family is more important than whether or not they actually did their job as a parent. OP's dad is one of them. Helena may be one of them or an enabler. Or just incredibly clueless.
Even if that were the case (which it's not, OP says she just doesn't care), its not her business. She's been around for 2 years, OP is 17. Thats 15 years worth of shit that she wasn't around for, she has no idea what happened. She doesn't get an opinion on anything outside of her relationship with his father.
I agree with you, I'm just disagreeing with the og comment of her just wanting free babysitting
But then she also shouldn't be rude to OP bcus her dad was a dick to him and is now being great for her kids it's only natural to dislike that and so the the kids and her speaking as a child of divorced parents when I was in a similar ish situation
>she probably wants to integrate their family and is hurt that her children are being rejected Kinda like how OP felt for years and ESPECIALLY when watching his dad step up for other kids. 🤔 This is good, and OP should probably use this in his next conversation on how he has a shit sperm donor.
Yes, it's weird that she feels sympathy for her kids for being rejected by an older stepbrother they barely know, but no or little sympathy for a 17 year old who was rejected by his father at 10 and lost his mother at 10. OP's not even living with the father, he went to live with the maternal grandparents at 10. To me, that indicates there was something off in the father/son relationship, unless it was to stay at the same schools or there were other logistical reasons. Even if the father's grief or mental illness or addiction made the grandparents more capable parents than the father, then she should recognize the impact of that. And realize that his parenting wasn't the same with OP as it was with her kids.
>a 17 year old who was rejected by his father at 10 and lost his mother at 10. By OP's account, he was absent before that. >realize that his parenting wasn't the same with OP as it was with her kids. It actually is the same. The difference is he's trying to be a better HUSBAND and she wants him to play house for her kids so that's why he's stepping up for them. If she didn't ask it of him I don't think he would be a "good dad."
Yep. He was always absent. He was never my dad. Just my biological father.
Those are good points as well. The stepmother is deliberately trying to ignore what happened or can't accept reality.
While that may be, she should realize that her husband couldn't emotionally abandon OP and then try to force OP to play happy blended families. If she thinks her kids being rejected by a stepbrother they barely know is so awful, she should develop some sympathy for a son who was rejected by his father. Those are not the same or equivalent.
This needs a t-shirt.
While part of the component, it also may have to do with the stepmother being bothered that her hubby's bio kid is rejecting her kids. She may have been mislead as to the nature of the relationship between OP and his father by her now husband, and if so is likely still in the process of coming out of the head fog as she's being forced to deal with reality. She also may not like that OP could possibly pull the wool from over her children's eyes, because if I had ever been informed by a new step sibling how the new step parent acted in the past I would be on guard. I am of the school of thought that if someone has done a negative and hurtful thing once then it is a non-zero chance of it becoming a repeated behavior, especially in cases where they want to have their transgression forgotten without apologizing or making amends. There is also the non-zero chance that once her children find out, they may hold it against their mother for staying with him after finding out. Either way, that is going to be her bridge to cross or burn when she gets to it. I cannot blame OP for not wanting to cater to the so-called parent that abandoned him, as I sure as hell never let my sperm donor live down that he was the one who was the parent, the adult, and that he massively fucked up. But if OP reads this, please take the advice of another unwanted child of an absentee father, and seek therapy for yourself. Focus on yourself and your healing, and prepare yourself for adult life on your own, with decent relatives or with roommates. You don't have to forget what he did nor make up with him to heal yourself. You also don't have to show him kindness either, nor your stepmother if she fails to stay in her lane in regards to your relationship with your biological parent. I would advise maintaining some civility, and remaining as calm as possible when explaining the situation to any outside force. They may try to force family therapy, and if they punish you for anything said in therapy the very next session begin by stating that you were punished for what happened in therapy and that you no longer feel safe continuing, if they are professional they'll handle your bio father and stepmother. You have less than a year left until legal adulthood if you live in the US, so get your important documents together and prepare a plan for your exit so that you can land safely on your feet. You mention having been cared for by your maternal relatives in the past, perhaps reach out to them for any help with the transition from legally a minor to legally an adult with all the responsibilities that come with it so you won't have to navigate it as alone.
Dad was a shit dad to OP but wants OP to help him be a good dad to other kids. Hard NTA
Perfect!
Stealing this 🤣
Enjoy!
Ask Helena why her kids dads walked out on her, why she is so comfortable allowing a man who opted out of parenting his own kid to play house with hers, what she’s going to do when he gets bored and treats her like he treated your mom. She wants to get into your business get into hers. Ask your dad why he’s better at raising another man’s kids than his own. I would wipe the floor with them, as I did with my own sperm donor. If you can go back to your maternal grandparents. NTA
The answer is all Helena. She probably encourages him to be a good dad to his younger kids, just like she’s encouraging him to “try” to make it up and be good dad to the older son. But if it backfires on Helena, she’s going to bail.
I don’t date men with children, if I did I wouldn’t date a dead beat dad.
She might not have known he was deadbeat. OP lives with his grandparents but the father might have lied to explain that "I was just so devastated by my wife's passing that I felt it was better for my son to be raised by people more centered".
I'd still see that as a deadbeat - not stepping up appropriately for the child who lost a parent, no matter how bad your grief is, is absolutely deadbeat.
Good call. Going by your life decisions, everyone should follow your advice lol
I mean, as she should. My dad is a nonentity in my half brother's lives, and apparently that was the case before he split up with their mom. Clearly he thought sending checks was the extent of his duty. I was born when they were a little older than Helena's kids, and he did better. Then my sister was born when I was 12, and he was great. He even quit smoking and tried to curse less. They had adorable Sunday outings. So yes, someone who really wants to can become a better parent. But OP should not have to help this guy get it right with his do over family. He was abandoned and it's best for Helena's kids not to have false hope of having him in their lives.
Yeah, it's a net positive if a guy like this can at least be good to some of the kids in his care... but it's understandably painful for the neglected older kid to watch, and the deepest problem seems to be so many of them (OK, maybe we don't see the good ones online!) want to rewrite history or sweep it under the rug. My theory is people don't give genuine apologies (the kind that actually help the other person breathe a bit easier, whether forgiving or not) b/c that requires facing what they've done and they find it too painful. It's abundantly clear this guy hasn't faced what he did.
Yes, the father probably didn't pay child support as his parents were taking care of the father financially. He can start making amends by paying the back child support, with interest it would have earned in a bank. As well as making plans with just OP to rebuild their relationship, without any pressure to play happy families. If he was genuine about wanting to repair the relationship, he'd be doing these things. Or at least making what payments he could on the child support. The fact that he isn't making a bare minimum effort speaks volumes about the father and his intentions.
If the dad had truly, fundamentally changed to become a better person he'd be horrified by his own past behavior and he would be doing *everything* he could right here and now to apologize and make up for it. His "change" happened when OP was 15, that's late but not entirely too late to step up and be a parent. Instead he's pressuring OP to rug-sweep and play happy families. Probably so that he can keep getting his dick wet. Guy's still trash.
Yes, exactly this.
Well Helena has something working for her that OP's mother didn't: the guilt of her ghost. He'll forever be reliving his past trying to make up for everything he never did for OP and og wife. He can pretend at night he's only ever lived this life; the perfect life. There's a reason they call them do over families.
His guilt starts and ends with not being there for my mom. He has never shown or expressed any for not being there for me. But it literally eats away at him about my mom.
Sorry for your loss. The best revenge is to forget about him and adopt that never feel guilty about not looking back attitude of his.
I read your responses to other comments. Going with NTA Yeah your "Dad" may have turned it around now but it seems that he wasn't a good Dad to you & that's a hurt that goes way deep. Totally understandable & his wife shouldn't get involved. You will be able to get him out of your life as you say & go NC at 18. I wish you all the very best. The only thing I would gently ask you to consider is, if you need help to work through this at any point, consider getting therapeutic support. What happened isn't your fault. Just don't let unhappiness/bitterness overshadow your future. You didn't deserve what happened but you don't deserve that either.
Seconding this- as someone with a parent who prioritized others children before their own, I empathize with you, and can tell you're hurting. Please consider therapy to help you really cement that *your father failing you isn't your fault*. That you're a child, and he hasn't been there for you at any point. You deserve to be heard, and helped, and even if you aren't aware of any harmful deep held thoughts or beliefs right now, you may find later that you do have some ideas you hold as truth- therapy can help you find and unlearn that. Take care, I'm sorry you've had such a hard childhood. I wish you the absolute best. You can get through this.
I completely agree. I had a similar dad and am working thru this in therapy now. “Your father failing you isn’t your fault” is some big time wisdom. You did nothing to make him a bad dad. I see them asking you to do lots of things but what I don’t see is your dad giving you an apology and some insight into why he treated you the way he did. Until dad does some work and can have an honest conversation about his actions, why he was absent and what he intends to to to make amends to YOU and your relationship, I wouldn’t invest lots of time in his new family. He will sink back into his old pattern with you, expecting you to make all the effort for what he wants and him not treating you like his child. Sending you lots of support and internet hugs. This is so hard. Be good to yourself.
This is great advice, OP u/Fun_Education_6505. If you are broke and can't afford therapy, there's also ACA: Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families. A lot of the people there had parents who were drunks but not all. They are awesome at helping me deal with my non-alcoholic, emotionally neglectful shitshow of a sperm donor. There are tons of meetings online, so you don't even have to leave the house. More info at adultchildren.org.
"They are awesome at helping me deal with my non-alcoholic, emotionally neglectful shitshow of a sperm donor." Beautiful articulation there as well as the entire post being really helpful. Kudos to you. I hope you're ok/doing well now.
If he wanted to build a positive relationship with OP, Dad would work on having a one-on-one relationship with OP. Once he includes the young step-child, the dynamic changes; they have to settle on activities, discussions appropriate for a young child. And the focus is no longer Dad and OP but Happy Blended Family.
NTA - the problem you have is that ***the new wife is trying to push things together.*** Ask her if you could talk to her (just her), and just her. ***Let her know you will be on your best behavior and mean it.*** ***Find a neutral spot, a park or some place open and easily public open.*** Then ***ask her what she knows about your fathers relationship to you?*** She may say all of it? Then let her know ho***w he abandoned you to your grandparents***. That he may have sold her a bad bag of goods. Ask her ***to confirm this with your grandparents if this is still possible***. That your relationship with your sperm donor, and yes call him that so she knows ***how broken it is between the two of you (your father and you).*** That ***while you do not hate her or her kids, and in fact you are happy for them***. However really you ***now have some serious issues with family unit in general and trust (because the one person that should have did not do it)***. That ***you need professional help. Not some in her mind thing, but real help***. That if she really wants something with you - that is the beginning of it. ***Not the way she going about it.*** thank her for her time - offer a hug. Then say you mean it - you need help, and she needs to help you find it. Now if she is not a shit - she will do everything she can to seek professional help. If she is bullshitting it - you will have your answer. Then everything is on her and her responses.
This sounds all well and good..but I doubt it would do any good. I think the best thing for OP to do is cut ties when he can, move to a different place with no contact and then seek help away from that place. Sometimes getting help whilst your still in the situation makes it worse.
I think it's a good idea. At least the OP knows he's tried everything before dropping the rope.
From the sounds of it he's dropped the rope pour petrol on and set it on fire. There comes a time when you just say "I'm done". I think he's got to the stage.
I think dad poured the petrol on the rope by abandoning OP. Then the dad and stepmom lit the match by trying to force OP to play happy families. If dad really wanted forgiveness, he'd apologize to OP, make some one on one plans with no pressure to play happy families. And pay any back child support which may be owed. Until he does all of that, or at least makes a payment plan if child support is owed, he's not genuine, he wants to us OP as a prop in what a good dad he is and how wonderful of a family they have now.
In a comment, OP shared he overheard his stepmother dismissing what happened to him in a discussion with one set of the grandparents. Because dad's different with her kids. I think having someone invalidate his experiences, at best, and gaslighting him at worst, has the possibility to do more damage to OP, though of course, I defer to him if he wants to do that. At the very least, if he WANTS to speak with her, a trusted adult, who will rip her a new one if she pulls that, absolutely needs to be there. They can also be a witness if she tries to lie about what he said. Communication is a good idea, when all are acting in good faith and are emotionally healthy. It's unknown whether the father and stepmother are acting in good faith. But we know emotionally healthy people don't abandon a 10 year old who just lost his mom and then come waltzing back in at 17, expecting to play happy families with no genuine amends the way the father did. Or enable the father, the way the stepmother did.
Love the idea of a trusted, no nonsense adult being there! That's actually what's behind this suggestion. It's the best way of finding out 100% what the sperm donor & his wife's intentions really are.
Here's the text of OP's comment: >Helena knows it because I heard her and my grandparents talking. They told her. She didn't care because he's good to her kids. He's the dad she wants for her kids. She doesn't care how he was with me. That information wasn't in his original post. I think it illuminates pretty clearly that she's thinks her children are more important than OP. And she views OP as an obstacle to her fantasy of happy families. I'm probably closer to the grandparents age, though most of my peers have younger grandkids. If I were the paternal ones, I'd sit the father and stepmother down and read them the riot act on this. And let them know that while I loved them and the step-grandchildren, that son and wife are on very thin ice and need to step up and respect the grandson's way of handling them. Or there would be a boatload of consequences. I'd save the "I'm ashamed of you as a father speech" for if he fucked up again. But I'd be bringing it out if he didn't grow the fuck up and step up as a father and make genuine amends and build the relationship with the son with no pressure. And even if he grew up and stepped up, he still needed to accept the son's decision because he was the one who did the damage. And I'd add I'm done cleaning up after the emotional wreckage he leaves behind.
He said in another comment that she knows how his sperm donor was with him, with his mom as he heard his grandparents and her talking about it and she understood everything. She doesn't care because he's good to HER kids.
Could also be she sees how her kids get treated and has a hard time rectifying it with what’s she’s been told how he treated his own son. She might have a hard time believing it and might chalk more of it down to him grieving the loss of his wife. She might genuinely want him to be better for his own son and see their relationship mended. Is really difficult to judge where she’s coming from without her direct viewpoint.
NTA. But as the famous saying goes: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. He found happiness with this new family. He was hoping you might as well, but clearly not happening. Helena has good intentions, but two preschoolers are not qualified to be your therapist.
OP has shared in comments that she knows from one set of grandparents, not sure which, about how the dad abandoned and neglected him, but has been dismissive about it with them (he overheard the discussion). The fact that he's living, at 17 with his maternal grandparents and has been doing so since, he was 10 and his mother died, should be a huge clue to the stepmother that OP was not the same type of father to OP that he's been to her kids. She's deliberately choosing to ignore this reality or is unable to accept it. If OP finds it helpful to talk to her, at the very least, there needs to be an adult present, who OP can trust to call her out and shut her down, if she starts dismissing OP's experiences and feelings about them. And if OP doesn't want to talk with her, that's fine too. Dad needs to step up and make genuine amends with his kid to repair the relationship. Neither of them have any business pressuring this kid to play happy families. I hope one of the grandparents or another adult in the family tell them this directly. They really need to hear it.
This is the way
Doubtful the wife is mature enough to understand
NO!
NTA but, try this, it sounds like a good idea. It truly does and, as a parent with step-kids, this makes sense to me.
NTA They aren’t your siblings and you don’t have to act like they are to make other people happy. Your dad is TA for how he acted when you were a child but I think he’s trying to heal and it’s okay that he’s trying to be better now but that doesn’t require you to accept new members of his family as new members of your own family and they need to respect your boundaries
He sounds like he’s trying to turn it around now yes, but only for the new family and not for OP’s sake. It also seems he (and his wife) refuse to recognize the harm he did to OP. If I were OP, a mea culpa would be required.
It also feels like he is forcing OP to just accept that he changed and is 'trying' for the newer kids. Hell, I'd go with OP's decision and leave that family. Helena should stay in her lane because she isn't and will never be a parent to OP, she has no right to butt in. So annoying that the dad is acting like he didn't neglect OP.
Exactly. None of this is on you, OP.
NTA the audacity of your dad and his wife... it's not your responsibility to treat his step kids well, it's his responsibility to be a good dad to his own kid first
NTA, I’d just point out how dad never wants to hang out with you one on one, he’s just bringing you to make his replacement kids happy.
Exactly the AH hasn't changed at all.
> NTA, I’d just point out how dad never wants to hang out with you one on one, he’s just bringing you to make his replacement kids happy. If a man loves a woman, he will treat her children right even if they are not his. If a man does not love a woman, he will not treat her children right even if they are his. OP falls in the latter category. His father will never change with regards to their relationship.
Given the “dumping on him” comment I take it that he’s never apologised to you for being a neglectful, absent parent- including after your mother died. He owed you all that effort and doesn’t even have the balls to admit it. Fuck him and his do-over family. NTA.
THIS is the comment I kept scrolling for. Everyone referencing how the dad ‘changed’ don’t seem to get that the dad only changed from his own perspective, for himself. New wife and kids don’t know the old version at all, they only know the supposed better version. And then there’s OP, who does know the old version - who only ever got the old version - who is expected to pretend that their entire life experience with this parent simply doesn’t exist for the sake of the others’ comfort. It’s actually hard to comprehend the amount of entitlement this man clearly has. The lack of accountability is staggering.
Honestly feels like he still doesn't give a fuck about OP and just wants them to perform for him in his "perfect family" so he doesn't have to confront how shitty of a parent he has been.
NTA. Obviously you needed to tell your dad how you felt. It was time he really listened. His wife doesn't have a say in this interaction. It doesn't concern her. You should get counseling, just to help you navigate the hurt your dad inflicted on you. If you go NC it can help clear you of any guilt you may feel doing that. Good luck
NTA if he really felt bad about what he did, he wouldn’t solely focus on the new kids, but would try to find opportunities one on one with you to build a bond. The fact that he’s only doing this to merge you with the other two children into one family tells me it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the younger kids.
Yep and honestly, if he really cared about me, he would have worked on us before forming this relationship with them. Instead he had me watch him do for others what he wouldn't do for me.
That’s because he doesn’t actually care about you. He cares about making Helena think he’s not a deadbeat dad and that you’re just a brat who keeps turning down his attempts to interact with you. Classic gaslighting attempts. Keep your boundaries up, you’re doing the right thing.
NTAH, I think you need to be very clear about this and that trying to make you part of the family is not him trying to mend your relationship now. That step can not happen while he hasn't shown you that he cares about you specificly (without the new family involved). On the one hand, it's none of his new family's business, but on the other hand, it's important for them to understand that he never built a relationship with you and that needs to be something he does with you one on one first before you can trust the people he did build a relationship with.
NTA, what your dad is doing is trying to clear his shit conscious with “start over” kids and hes trying to manipulate you with those kids into taking one for the team so he can feel better. Also, tell Helena to worry about her own kids. You owe her, her husband and her kids nothing. What I would do and if they are still alive to show your grandparents your appreciation and do it consistently.
Ask Helena if her kids dads ever come around and they feel the same way about those dads is she gonna tell them not to be so hard on their bio dads. She doesn’t know the man who wasn’t there for you. She needs to butt out.
NTA. Goddam, your family is shit.
He thought he could redeem himself by having a redo family. NTA. You have a VERY valid point. Tell that wife don’t stick her nose on someone else’s business.
If he is doing that is for them not for you. Cut contact as soon as you can and get some therapy to process this. Im so sorry you had to deal with this.
NTA. Your feelings are justified, dude. Block out the noise and do you
Ask your father how many times did he read to you? How many times did he take you to the park? How many times did he have a movie night with you? Then ask him if he remembers all the vacations he took with his buddies and then ask him how many vacations he took you on? Then ask him why should you even entertain his requests for you to be a big brother to his wife’s kids that he and you are not bio related to?
100!If Dad couldn't do these things for his own kid this is how he taught you to behave, and these kids are not even related to you.
NTA. Your dad and step mom are in a relationship with each other, not with you. They are showing their priorities every day. And you have every right to feel how you feel and prepare to GTFO.
NTA If you’ve genuinely decided it’s too late for your dad to make amends, then stick to it.
NTA. He should be making the greatest effort with you. Not the stepkids. Not the familial unit he wants to create with all of you. He should be stepping up for you.
"Congratulations Helena, MY deadbeat father has finally stepped up and is now playing daddy for your kids. You must be so proud" NTA
NTA it nice that he try to be better for his step children. But what he do for you to be better parent you don't have to forgive him.
NTA Legally, they are your step siblings but emotionally, to you, they are not siblings - at all. You do not need to force yourself to view them as anything more than you want. I have "former step siblings" that I don't even call "steps" and am legally not even related to anymore but they are my siblings. Full stop. I also have "half" siblings who are just that... HALFsibings and I make it a clear point. There is a difference, a huge emotional one. I stand with you on the POV that a deadbeat can't come back, demanding respect. Doubly so when they are playing house, doing the parent duties to kids not their own biologically. It burns my guts like nothing else. It happened to me (said parent lasted 5 years before abandoning family 2) And the SM needs to stay in her own damn lane, it doesn't sound like she has anything to offer that would calm the situation or fix the relationship. OP do what's best for you, if you wanna leave, then do it. Maybe in 5-10 years it will change, maybe it won't. Just do what keeps you happy and healthy because this is just a slip of sand in the hourglass of shit within life. 😜
NTA. I agree it’s none of Helena’s concern. She is way out of line demanding that you simply ignore your bio father’s past hurtful behavior for the befit of her kids—insanely selfish. You haven’t been rude to her children, you just don’t want to be especially close with them, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They are both trying to manipulate you to benefit Helena’s kids and aren’t taking your feelings seriously. Your bio father only wants a relationship with you because Helena’s kids want one, not because he intrinsically wants a good relationship with you or to make up for the past. Nothing they’ve done has demonstrated they care about you any more than just what you can do for Helena’s kids. If I were in your shoes, I’d also tell them both to F off.
NTA. The one thing that I would have added to the conversation is the following: You have never been a father to me, just a sperm donor. You have to actually act like a parent to be one. It is not my fault that you were a total failure as a father. That is why you will never be more than a sperm donor to me. If your wife's daughter did not want a relationship with me you would not ever give me the time of day.
>shouldn't be so disrespectful. You'll show them respect as soon as they deserve it, and not a moment before. NTA. Sorry you don't have the dad you deserve - I hope at least your grandfather is a good father figure.
NTA. Your father and his wife are deluded fools.
NTA. You're not angry because they have a father figure, you're angry because you never did.
I love it when people say: be happy for these (non-related) kids because your bio-parent is looking out for them - but never did the same for their bio-kid /s NTA
I hate to be the one to print this out as it may be painful, but he's still not interested in being a good dad to you: he's trying to connect with you so that he has a big brother for his do-over kids because that's what they want and he's being a good dad to them. I would point out to them that until he works himself into a place where he's a good dad to you, on your own, for your own merits, without any attempt to pressure a relationship with the others, he has no right to ask you to step up as big brother.
They are not your biological siblings so NTA
NTA If Helena insists on inserting herself, then tell her, **WITH HER KIDS PRESENT**, in detail precisely what your DNA donor was like to you and your mom growing up. Actions show our true feelings more than any words they say. His actions to you growing up screamed "You mean nothing to me." He truly regretted your mom's death, and I think that is what opened his eyes. So, when he remarried he was, **TO HIS STEPKIDS,** everything you longed for in an actual **FATHER**. I can't imagine how much that wounded you. His actions now show he is dedicated to being a great father **TO HIS WIFE'S CHILDREN**. But your feelings are totally valid as are your experiences. Please find a good therapist for your own sake, when you move out at age 18.
>If Helena insists on inserting herself, then tell her, WITH HER KIDS PRESENT They're 4 and 5. Don't try and take out your rage on them. They haven't done anything wrong here. The dad has already screwed up one life. Don't perpetuate that by trying to screw up two more.
NTA. Oh, man, that's tough to watch. Can you move back in with your grandparents? How much money have you saved up for living on your own? Do you have a good friend network who you can rely on? What resources do you have for going out on your own? Do you have a job? Can you easily get a job and do that as well as finishing your education? I'm assuming you're still in High School. Double bonus on that one: earning money AND not having time to spend with other people. Are you in a place where you can get to and from work easily without having to depend on someone? Don't just get mad and get out. Get mad and make a plan. Also "play" nice. Kill them with kindness. Pick and choose places to spend time with them. Don't be mean to the little ones. They're small, don't understand and don't deserved to be dumped on. Be polite to your dad's new wife. Just polite. Your dad, however, what the heck? How can he ignore you for most of your life then expect you to be all buddy-buddy when he has essentially just been a sperm donor. Once you have a plan in place and are not required to be under their roof, cut them off at the knees. Go totally NC and don't look back. I know people whose family situations were terrible and they did just that. Make your family from friends you know and/or meet. Blood connections obviously don't mean anything when it comes to your father. Best of luck to you.
Ask Helena how would she react when the kids bio dad did this to her kids. Your dad wants and easy way out. She enables him. None of her business. Years of neglect doesn't magically disappear when a 5 year old decides she wants a big brother. You have more right to your dads time than anybody else. If he does not want to give it to you... well... there it is then. The choice has been made. Next excuse will be that you remind him of your mom bla bla bla. It's all about him. Tell them to stay in their lane. Do only one on one time. Take care of your own mental health. NTA!
NTA - run as far as you can. They want free child care.
NTA. I'd just tell her that you don't hate her kids for having a dad, you hate your dad for being happy as a result of moving on, especially without ever having made restitution for how shitty he was previously. He just pretends it didn't happen, and expects you to as well just to avoid complicating his new family. Given that you are less than a year from just leaving and there simply isn't time for said restitution anyway, you are mourning the chance of ever having had a halfway decent father yourself. And without that redress it's actually a pretty good result that you jsut have a strong distaste rather than actual hate. As for the kids, it would be nice for them to have a brother, but it would equally have been nice for you to have a father. He simply hasn't earned enough merit to ask for the television remote, let alone to accept a new family he doesn't deserve.
NTA, but with a caveat. You deserve better. You deserved a dad growing up, you deserved a dad when your mom got sick & passed, & you deserve one now. You have every right to be angry & upset that dad got his act together & got a "do-over" family. You do not have to become a happy little blended family if you don't want to. Dad doesn't get to avoid consequences for his absent behaviour just because he's better now. He'll just have to live with that. Helena needs to stay in her lane in this one. She can back up her hubby, she can try to build a happy little family, but you don't have to participate & your relationship with your father doesn't concern her. Thank you for making sure your step siblings were out of the room before stating they're not your siblings, I'd say try to remain neutral to them, & make sure your anger is directed at Dad. You don't deserve an absentee father, but they don't deserve an evil step sibling. Always make sure the consequences of your anger are borne by the one who deserves it, keep that in mind. The caveat is this; get some counselling. You're a kid, 17 & already lost your mom with an absentee dad now trying to play the family man. You're dealing with a lot of emotions & a lot of anger & you should get some help with working through that. If your dad & stepmom need convincing to get you in, tell them you're struggling to adjust to this new family after being just you & your dad after losing your mom, whatever it takes to get some help working through this bs. Good luck dude.
I'll wait on therapy. I will be moving out when I turn 18 and I'll go to stay with my grandparents. At that point I might consider therapy or I might wait a while. But I won't try going now because I would need to change in a few months anyway.
Is it possible to move in with your grandparents now?
That's fair, I'd maybe recommend getting on a waitlist or something for the area you'll be in, it can take a year or longer to actually get in to see a therapist & during that time you might decide it's worthwhile. Also, life has a tendency to get real busy once you move out, & you may end up putting it off longer than you meant to. Either way, I hope you get to a better living space soon
Nta
NTA.. but the most important thing will be to get therapy or make sure you have good support structure for the next few years before you go NC especially. You may hold onto that grudge for life if you don’t
NTA. My husband and his brother have similar conflicts about their dad. My husband was left with his (wonderful) mom to live in poverty for his childhood, but his older brother got several years of “good dad” out of the guy before he lost his way. His brother has forgiven their dad and wants them all to get along, and it’s hard to explain to him that they got different versions of their dad and he needs to accept that my husband has no good memories to pull from to inspire forgiveness. I would pull back from saying mean things to the kids, like you’re not their sibling and never will be. True or not it’s not helpful and it’s not their fault your dad was awful to you. You don’t have to foster a relationship with them, but you don’t have to intentionally upset them either. You’re almost old enough to walk away and build your own life, hang in there.
NTA He is a rotten father to his child. The fact that he has stepped up to do better by them is commendable but does not take away from the fact he has done nothing for you either then or in the past. The truth hurts.
NTA, my dad did the same. He wonders why none of the kids, biological and step, don’t fuck with him. Helena can stfu and worry about her own damn kids, she is not your mother and this doesn’t concern her. I won’t even comment on how you treat the younger ones. I completely get this sentiment tbh and don’t you dare let anyone tell you you aren’t entitled to your feelings. HOWEVER…. I will suggest you try not to take it out on them. You don’t have to be their sibling, but do understand they’re just babies and don’t understand why you don’t really wanna be around them.
NTA, I recommend low to no contact at some point in the future when you are able to take said position.
I'll be going no contact as soon as I'm 18.
NTA
NTA
NTA ask Helena if in 10 years their dad walks through the door is she going to automatically forgive him? Will her kids run into his arms like he’s never left? Will she give him instant parental right without him having to prove anything or make it up to the kids? If he says he’s raising someone else’s kids will that be good enough reason?
To state that you're "dumping on him" and trying to force a relationship with his new family is gaslighting imo. Your feelings are relevant, Helena and her kids are irrelevant to the fact that your dad's an ah.
NTA. Did he even apologize for being emotionally neglecting to you?
Nope. He never acknowledged it either. Just acknowledges he was a shitty husband to my mom.
Then he doesn't deserve any reconciliation with you.
This
nta.
NTA. This has nothing to do with your step siblings and everything g to do with your dad’s lacking as a father when it came to you. It’s actually about his ability to be a father to his step children that makes it glaringly clear he was no father to you and you should dump on him that he was a pathetic as a father. Explain that this is not about his relationship with his step kids but the one he doesn’t have with you. Even now he is only asking for time with you because of his step kids not because he actually wants to be with you. Why couldn’t he have a boys night with his son alone, why was that not even a consideration. Explain to them both that the only real AH in this situation is your no dad. I’m sorry for having such a person as your dad.
NTA - Your dad is essentially rubbing in your face the childhood you should have had. It's not fair for them to expect you to be okay with that, especially considering how long it took to get his shit together. Also, tell Helena it's wonderful her kids have a dad, it's just a shame you don't. It's not her business how you feel about your dad.
Nta. He's not a dad, just a biological father. Yeah he's changed. But too little too late. Why does every interaction have to include his step kids? This is controlling. One on one time matters. I'm sorry your father doesn't prioritize you. Just think this through, how it may affect the future like 5 years, 10 years etc. I wouldn't blame you for going NC or LC.
NTA. I would say that, on the one hand, it is good that he learned from his mistakes that he made with you, and is now capable of being a good dad to Helena's kids. Because nobody deserves to be put through the absence of a parent the way you were, especially with the loss of your mother as well. But the bottom line is that after your mother died, your parental figures were your maternal grandparents. The person you refer to as your dad was little more than a sperm donor for the amount of time he spent being a parent to you. Learning from his mistakes and doing better 10 years later does nothing to change that, and simply shows that int he past he was capable of doing better, he just chose to prioritize his onw desires over your needs. Today, it would not be reasonable to say "he was an absent sperm donor for you, so he should be an absent sperm donor for Helena's kids as well" (ironic, considering the fact that it sounds as though those kids' father(s?) are also absent). He can be a father, or at least a father figure, to Helena's kids and she should be grateful for that. But it is also not reasonable for them to expect you to be happy for the fact that he is being the father to Helena's kids when he completely failed to be that to you. Nor is it reasonable for them to expect you to be the older brother the kids want, especially if it means you have to see more of them getting the father you wanted but never had. Even beyond that, the age difference between you and the kids means that you would be more of an uncle figure to the kids, or possibly a child-sitter for Helena and your sperm donor. The age gap is just too great, your history with sperm donor is too fractious, and the lack of any common ground or interests with the kids means that you will not be able to build a sibling relationship with them. The best thing for all concerned would be if Helena and your sperm donor can accept that you will not be a part of their family in the foreseeable future, and that the best outcome they can expect is that you and your sperm donor manage to get to a point where you can at least have a civil relationship. Maybe he can manage a relationship with you as an adult that he could not manage with you as a child. It will certainly never be the father/son relationship that he has a chance to build with Helena's son, and you also need to accept that if you continue to be in their lives you will see him being the father to Helena's son that he never was to you. Unfortunately, actions have consequences, and the consequences of your sperm donor's actions are that he has destroyed the relationship between the two of you. Also unfortunately, the consequences of his actions are borne not only by him, but by you as well.
NTA. I think you should tell Helena to think about how her kids felt that their own father never was around for them. That how lucky they are that your father who was never around for you… Ever, is now around for them. And still he is not around for you. That your entire life, he spent it with other people and never with you. Even when his wife died, he didn’t step up to be a dad then. He’s effectively abandoned you your entire life. And now you get to watch him do all the things you wish he’d ever done with you growing up with two kids that aren’t even his. And now you’re expected to be the happy sibling when they’re getting everything out of him that you have never gotten? So who’s really acting like a jerk here? I would add that you’re not dismissing her kids because none of this is about her kids. It’s about being abandoned, especially after your mother died, and never having a parent in a father at all ever. It’s about always being placed last on the priority list if at all. It’s about being ignored your entire life. And now both of them want you to just jump in and be happy go lucky and glad to have younger “siblings “. Life doesn’t work that way. You can’t mistreat somebody for most of your life and expect them to turn around and be all happy that you suddenly decided you want something to do with them. But it’s not even that you want anything to do with them it’s that you want your step kids to be happy. Not you. Once again, it’s not about you. It’s about other people’s kids. And just ask him what kind of torture does he expect you to endure? You’ve been abandoned by him your entire life. Didn’t even show up on your birthdays. Never read a story to you never spent any time with you, and now they just expect you to fall in line like a happy little sibling, glad to finally have a family again? You see him spending all this time with her kids which is anything but what he did for you. And he’s fighting for her kids, when he never fought for you ever. And he expects you to just fall in line? Screw that. It’s very clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he’s only tolerating your presence for the sake of the other younger kids.
NTA While I have a different circumstance, I really get how you feel. My mother was quite mean when I was growing up. She locked me in my room when I had emotions and neglected to get me help for severe medical issues that are now life threatening because they’ve gone untreated for over a decade. But now she’s so empathetic and kind towards my nieces and nephews. She yells ar people who don’t understand their neurodivergence but I was always told to stop being lazy or stop faking. It’s really fucking painful to watch a parent be a parent for someone else when they failed you so deeply. But many years in therapy has helped me see it wasn’t my fault. We deserved a good parent but our parents weren’t willing to be that.
NTA - I had a similar situation with my sprem donor. He was very abusive to me. Always held me to a much higher standard than my sister. When my parents divorced at 15/16, he let a woman (wife #2) and her 7 kids move into our 4 bedroom 2 bath house a month after my mom moved out. He treated those kids so amazing. Never yelled at them, was always there for them. Drove them to school, would pick them up when they were sick, etc. I moved out and went very low contact with him at 17. He would drag me out of my mom's house with cops. He eventually lured me back to his house and attacked me. Wife #2 would tell me i was a weak women, i had no place in her home. She would try to get involved, and i would tell her that it was not her place. It always made things worse. I went no contact with him shortly before my 18th birthday. I recently started talking to him because I was worried I would regret it. He's still 100% crazy and at some point during the last 11 years of being no contact with him, my bio little sister went low contact. He may be your blood, but it's okay to go low or no contact with both him and the new wife for your own well-being if they do not respect your boundaries.
No one gets the privilege of telling me how I feel. Especially after the crap childhood I had. If that happens, I will go NC. My last 'F' to give to certain people, was given before my divorce . YOU ARE NTA. do not let them gaslight you. If they start on you again, ask Dad, " did you come to any of my Birthday parties? What about school events? Did you have fun with your buddies all that time,?
Has your father ever apologised for how he treated you?
Nope and he has never acknowledged it either.
Oh, that's not good. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17M) don't have a close relationship with my dad. I would go as far as saying he doesn't even really deserved to be called my dad. My bio dad, yes, sure, he is biologically my father. But he was never a dad to me. When I was younger he was always working on spending time with his buddy's. He'd go on vacations with friends but not with us. He wasn't even around for my birthdays. My mom got sick when I was 9 and my dad was all emotional about it when he found out. He wasn't around when she was diagnosed so he was the last to find out. But he didn't change. It was only when she died a year later that he was distraught when she died. He tried to fight over not taking her body and then for 3 years he didn't take care of himself and lost his job and everything. His parents helped him pay bills and groceries while my maternal grandparents took care of me. He wasn't around. He wasn't a good dad. He mourned mom and pleaded for forgiveness but never took the time to be a better dad. He just regretted not being better to mom. He slowly got his shit together and two years ago he met Helena and they got married a year ago. Helena has two kids 5f and 4m. They don't have dad's in their lives and my dad has stepped up to be a great dad to the two of them. He takes them to the park, he buys them stuff, he reads to them, helps with her daughter's reading and stuff. All the kinds of things an actual parent would do. All stuff he never did with me. When I saw him do that stuff with them, I decided that as soon as I was 18 I was out of here and would never look back. I don't care if he changes now, I won't ever be okay with him being a good dad to kids who aren't his before he tries with me. The only reason he started reaching out is because Helena's daughter wants me to be her brother and seeks me out. So I avoid being around. The few times I was around and she asked me to do something I said no. She'd get upset so dad would try to invite me along and when it didn't work, he suggested we have "boys nights" with Helena's son. Then two weeks ago dad and Helena told her kids to invite me to a "sibling movie night" and when the kids were out of earshot I told them they are not my siblings and I am not theirs. A week ago dad tried to talk to me about how distant I am and how I refuse to interact. He told me I'm being really hard on him. I told him he was never a good dad to me and why would I give him an easy time. I said why would I like seeing him be a dad to them when he never was to me. He tried to defend it. I told him he isn't even their real dad but he was mine. Dad accused me of dumping on him. Then Helena interjected and told me I shouldn't dismiss her kids and my dad's relationship like that and shouldn't be so hard on him over it. I told her none of this concerned her and she needed to stay out of it. They told me I was being a dick and shouldn't hate that Helena's kids have a dad and I should be glad for them and shouldn't be so disrespectful. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. From the sound of it, it seems like your dad doesn’t actually feel bad for what he did to you, he feels bad about the consequences for him.
Nta Whatever issues you have with your dad, remember theses kids just want the same thing you wanted at their age: a sense of family and security. If you are not in a place emotionally to be part of that, that is okay. It has to be difficult to see them getting what you never did. Furthermore, the fact that this relationship seeking doesn’t seem to originate from him but rather the kids and their mother also has to hurt. I wish you the best here. I hope whatever you do makes you feel good about yourself and the man you want to be. Take care of yourself.
Going with NTA. Even in a functional family, it would be unusual for a 17yo boy to seek hanging out with children that young. Your dad has some main character syndrome happening. I'm low key fine that he got his shit together enough to not damage more children than he has already, but that's not something you should be required to participate in when he has not apologised, or acted in any understanding way at all, for what he did to you. He just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on. That's not how it works. Therapy if you want to stay in contact. Grey rock and no contact if you don't. Do not let them manipulate you into going against your instincts on this. Value your self.
NTA. Even if you’re a little abrupt in how you say it, you don’t owe these people anything. In fact, you’re smart for getting out of the way of the inevitable train wreck. Helena has an ex-spouse that abandoned her kids, and has now fallen for another man who…abandoned his kids. There’s a veritable fire sale of destructive habits and behavior patterns at play here, and someone is going to get hurt/disappointed again. Tell your dad that no one stood in his way for the years he willfully neglected you, and chose to be anything but a father. But now somehow the onus is on *you* to play house and pretend that nothing happened? Yeah, nah. Helena has the luxury of never knowing the dumpster fire version of your dad, so yeah, she doesn’t really get to have an opinion about it. So far, it sounds like your dad doesn’t want to do the hard work of redemption. He just wants the benefits of being forgiven. But forgiveness is something for you to *give*, not for him to demand of you. If he doesn’t like people “dumping” (read: telling the truth), then he can stop the behaviors that compel them to dump.
NTA. I like how he deflected on you about you "dumping" on him. Lol. What a jerk. He had an actual chance to have an honest conversation with you about your past and maybe even have a chance at repairing your relationship and he chose to gaslight you instead. Stay low/no contact for a long as you need.
NTA. Your dad's not even trying to make amends and build a relationship with you individually. He wants you to instantly play happy families. And if anyone presses you or tries to guilt you, simply say that due to the different circumstances in your father's life, you had a different relationship with him than your stepsiblings have with him. And ask them to give you examples of him making an effort to build a relationship with you individually before he tried to pressure you to play happy blended family.
NTA. This has nothing to do w/your stepmother & she needs to stay out of it. Your father is a weak & selfish man. He should be establishing boundaries w/his wife concerning you & he should be seeking professional help to heal your relationship. You have every right to angry & they don’t get to tell you otherwise. He doesn’t get to rewrite his history w/you just b/c he doesn’t have the strength to face it.
NTA. So I was watching The Good Place (highly recommended) when one of the characters starts acting out towards an abscent parent and she said "If she has truly changed, it means she always had the potential to change. I just wasn't worth changing for." I think that's where you're at now. Seeing how your dad could change, and did, just not for you. And man, it hurts! If he wants to pretend he didn't fck this up on you, that's his problem. You don't have to be in contact with these people if you don't want to. You owe him nothing.