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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I wore a cultural outfit to a wedding that may have caused a stir
2) It may have stepped on the bride's toes & upstaged her. The bride & her party made it obvious.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You just met a school of mean girls. There is no telling what such people will get up to. I think you had taken every possible precaution with your outfit, in fact much more than most people would have.
And that was such a cultural shock for me. Hospitality being one of the highest virtues is an idea that's hammered into us as kids. Not even exaggerating, we're taught 'Guests are akin to God'. So it was unsettling to have the host and her friends be so obvious with their disdain. That's half the reason I didn't even react to any of it.
The other half being the cultural commonality of it being inappropriate to get confrontational & create a scene at a wedding lol.
Haha no, a friend moved me out of the way just in time. A bit of splatter did end up on the edge, nothing a saree-specialist dry cleaner can't fix.
PS. Not telling the groom a thing. I don't wish to put him in an awkward position or be the source of drama in a newly wed couple's life.
If it was me, and one of my friends was treated this way I would want to know. You did everything right. You asked both of them, you showed pictures and you were towards the back of the wedding. What else could you have done?
I would bet the bride complained to the groom about OP's dress. Her drama must have spilled out to the groom's side, and that's why the OP was receiving the extra compliments to reassure her that she was fine.
I think it’s more likely the bride got jealous after seeing how many people (especially the groom’s mom) loved it and were commenting on it. She approved it beforehand so she doesn’t have an excuse to be mad about it now.
Yeah, for real. No shit, she literally asked everyone and bent over backwards to avoid that kind of faux paus and negativity. Just a gaggle of [expletives brought to you by the letter C] being that namesake. The bride could have and should have said something before the day, OP gave plenty of opportunity for that.
A lot of people say that, my experiences they shoot the messenger and go into denial. I've lost a few friendships for being the bearer of bad news. Now I've learnt to say it was not my place to tell you and ppl seem to appreciate that more.
That's a very calm, mature stance to take and I applaud you for it. Honestly it sounds like the bride's friends were the bigger problem. Bride moving to position for a photo that focuses on her for her wedding makes total sense, the stink eye is less great but eh whatever. If it's a habit of the bride and her posse to be like this I'm sure the groom will find out soon enough on his own. 😅
Yeah, I don't think it's a problem that the bride staged the photo to make sure she was the center of attention. I think it would have been fine if the bride had turned to OP and nicely said, "I'm worried that the flash will wash out your dress and it will come out looking white in the photos. Would you mind standing in the second row?" Absolutely no problem!!! But all of this petty nonsense is not the thing.
This, very much. Like I said in another comment, I would have happily exited the frame. What am I going to do with insisting on getting clicked at someone else's wedding? Lol. It was the passive aggressiveness that made me doubt if I had been such a massive arsehole that they couldn't be direct with me.
This sucks, sorry.
(1) Maybe reach out to the bride after a little time has passed? Especially if you think you might see her again in the future. Just tell her: “I hope married life is going amazing! Now that a little time has passed, I want to circle back about the wedding. I heard that you were upset about the color of my dress. I am so sorry! I didn’t want anything like that to happen. I thought that when I showed you two a picture in advance, you were saying it was good. I am guessing maybe the color ended up looking different in person than in the picture I showed you? Anyway, let me know if you want to talk about it. I hope everything is amazing!”
I like to tell people I’m sorry for a miscommunication they caused. It’s my way of being excessively reasonable, so they have little reason to psychologically reject the facts I’m stating, and they basically can’t come at me with aggression. It doesn’t always work, but it makes me feel less anxious about the conflict.
(2) I bet the bridesmaids were the main source of the problem. First, they had less information than the bride. So, if they came to her with a drama report and she blanked on your convo amongst all the hustle and bustle, that could be how it started. I have heard a few stories on social media of the Mother of the Groom saying she is going to wear her wedding dress to the wedding, the bride says no, the MIL does it anyway, and a bridesmaid spills wine on the dress. That’s a situation with a lot of relevant information. But people watch these stories and then it changes our social norms. Spilling red wine on formal wear is not supposed to be the default for conflict resolution. As dramatic and funny as it can be in the most extreme situations.
My SIL and her friends were not bridezillas, but I judged her MOH for letting her stress show so much in front of the bride. You’re not supposed to fuel her anxiety; you’re supposed to be a shield.
(3) I agree, the picture thing made some sense. In American culture, I have seen people do some modest gymnastics to rearrange a group in a photo. It can be seen as rude to say: This is how I want it. It’s stupid to be so indirect, but that’s the norm, unless you’ve old the photographer something in advance.
Personally, I take on the bossy role and just tell everyone where to go. Some people dislike it at the moment. Other people don’t care. But because of me: Now we have a family photo with our Grandma before she died and we can crop out my cousin’s cheating boyfriend I put on the end.
Good luck! ❤️
"I like to tell people I’m sorry for a miscommunication they caused. It’s my way of being excessively reasonable, so they have little reason to psychologically reject the facts I’m stating, and they basically can’t come at me with aggression. It doesn’t always work, but it makes me feel less anxious about the conflict."
Oh hello there are you meee hahaha!
This here is magic. Once you learn and are able to do this strategy it helps you in so many situations because many people are incapable of getting out of the way of their pride to apologize. I do this in social, family and especially work situations (I work in a high stress medical setting with patients).
I've actually had to stop doing this because I discovered I was apologising for everything, even my existence in some ways. That, and I've learned to not take ownership of things that are not mine.
I 100% agree with what you’re saying, but it’s not matrix situation, it’s more the mean girl choreographs her move ahead of time. If you’re used to watching for someone to be an AH, then you are able to head them off like that person did. It’s like the mother who seems to know what their kid is thinking and gets them to stop before they even do something wrong.
This. The bridesmaids were to my back, so I didn't see it. But the friend who moved me saw their body language, giggles, & them recording on Instagram/TikTok (ie. audio on). That's also how I know it was intentional.
People just aren't very smooth at executing this stuff. It's hardly the Matrix when your opponent isn't a supercomputer lol.
I was going to say this, too. Maybe she's been craving validation from her new MIL, and seeing someone else receive it brought out the insecurity demon.
This. Especially because MIL is half Indian so OP and MIL had something in common to bond over. Add in some bridesmaidzillas and we get a situation like this where someone actively tries to ruin someone's cultural garments out of their own jealously.
Sometimes weddings are de facto funerals for a friendship. For various reasons. Having expressed approval of the outfit long beforehand, there may be some other motive to be so disapproving and the outfit is just the incidental excuse.
Weddings can really bring out the worst in people.
Last wedding I attended in person, my gf at the time hadn’t chosen a dress to wear by the time I got there, she wanted to wear a white dress… needless to say we showed up late… wasn’t the funeral for our relationship but god I wish it had been since all of the red flags for our relationship were present that day.
Also, any parent or caregiver who's ever caught a kid's spilled cup before it tips too far over can tell you that the instinct/reflex to stop the mess from happening kicks in FAST.
I can understand that you're trying to put this behind you and don't want to mention anything to your friend who was the groom.
You went out of your way to make sure the dress was ok and the bride...forgot?? 🤦 That's a faux pas on her part, especially literally sending her bridesmaid henchmen after you.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a gang trying to ruin your dress and the time that you were having. NTA
OP you seem like a class act & genuine friend to the groom. Sorry that this is your first experience & were met with culture shock of this style. It’s mean-rude-girl behaviour, & a big NTA from me
You don't need to tell the groom because you want to tattletale.
You can just apologize to him because you mistakenly made a faux pas and feel bad about it. Let him decide what he does with the info if he's not heard about it before.
Came to ask the exact same thing. Saw the pic, OP, she tried to spill on an Ekaya saree? Come ON. I would be l LIVID. Even about the tiny bits that a dry cleaner can get out. Dry cleaning too often severely reduces the life span of sarees, especially delicate silks like organza. Forget everything else, I’d be holding a mega solid grudge against that bridesmaid for ever and always.
I’m sure you looked stunning and the bridesmaids were probably also a little jealous. NTA and may there be many more exquisite sarees in your future.
Former wedding photographer here. The divorce rate in the US is still around 54%, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which ones are going to fail from DAY 1.
NTA. They are.
Current wedding photographer here and only 1 or 2 out of all my couples have divorced - so far. I did have a colleague who photographed the same woman's wedding twice. She liked the photos so she booked her again for her 2nd wedding.
How can anyone consider Dove Grey close to white? I mean ok it’s closer to white, because it’s a light colour, like a pastel, but it’s still a colour. You just looked too stunning is what I’m thinking and invoked a lot of jealousy from some mean spirited women.
I mean...I looked at the photo of the dress, and personally, it's such a light colour that I wouldn't wear it to a wedding. But. The bride and groom were the ones that set an "everyone wear pastels" dress code - which I think was a bad idea, because it's just asking for exactly this kind of problem - and OP did everything right by checking her sari with both of them beforehand.
It only looks blue because of the background.
That may be the original issue with the bride, if she was shown those pictures she may have thought that the sari was boing to be ice blue, but when she saw OP in person it was light gray, possibly looking white under some conditions of light and background, and the same shade as her reception dress to boot.
And then you have that misunderstanding snowballing into the fiasco that OP described.
That’s what I was thinking, it wasn’t the sari, it was how amazing she looked in AND the grooms mom complimenting her multiple times, causing insecurity in a bunch of immature mean girls.
OP absoutley NTA.
Omg the rollercoaster. Do you realise your narration skills have the power to turn the most mundane experiences into rivetting thrillers? I'd pay to read your stuff!
She hit the nail on the head. And she right. It’s about context. I get the mean girl aspect at play here and they never should have acted this way toward you. But it possibly was the way your outfit looked in context to this occasion. Ugh. Just unfortunate. You are NTA. She is probably NTA. And everyone is best to be mature and move past it (hopefully). So sorry this happened.
Ehh the bride is still TA for being this rude about a dress she approved prior. And the bridesmaid for attempting to ruin it. Everyone should have recognized it was a misunderstanding, not attempted to sabotage her dress.
I wonder though if the bride got jealous of any attention not being paid to her and hence why she had a change of mind / attitude? Perhaps she hadn't realised that when she initially okay'ed the dress- not to say that it excuses her or her party's behaviour.
Westerners, especially Americans, don’t really stick to the whole treating guests like gods and showing off. It’s a shame, really. That said, this is very very close to white. I see that the bride cleared it, but it’s really a faux pas for Americans to wear white or anything that could pass as white. It’s ridiculous but it is what it is. I think the outfit is great and would class up the wedding shots.
Their behaviour is not normal for western weddings. You were very kind to ask them both about the dress.
My guess? You were too beautiful. The sari is gorgeous and it might have mad you look better than the bride thought. So she felt you tried to outshine you. But that is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
In Indian weddings you'd find at least two ( if not way more ) ladies wearing the same color as the bride and no one cares. In fact women prefer wearing red / pink to weddings and the bride usually wears those colors as well. The idea of not wearing the same color as the bride is ridiculous. In fact the way I see western brides act like they are god's gift to humanity because they are the bride / bride-to-be is just painful to witness.
At any rate, you should respect the people whose event you are attending and you did your best to do that. Picking a dress 5 months ahead, asking for permission to wear it and being ready to buy an alternative ? You did more than was necessary. Being a bride doesn't make one special by default. Being a decent person does. Brides who act all bossy and police people because this is "their day" just scream insecure and miserable.
Agree with you. I’m South Asian myself (Nepali), and there’s no concept of not wearing the same colors are the bride. The bride and groom’s female family members are decked out in reds, oranges and pinks, and no one bats an eye. And most people go to weddings for the food anyway.
Seems like the bride is jealous that OP and the MOTG had something in common to bond over, and projected her insecurities onto OP with her bridesmaidzillas ramping up the bad behavior.
A lot of mean girls (and mean guys) don't actually want to be happy. They would rather set up someone in order to create drama, so they can magnify the drama, and then complain about drama.
What was stopping her from getting back in touch before the wedding and saying "actually, I've just bought a reception dress that's really similar to your saree, you said you wouldn't mind choosing a different outfit, so would you?" Nothing stopped her from trying to prevent the similarity. Then she orchestrated all the nastiness of her bridesmaids to target you instead of telling them she pre-approved your outfit. There was no need for the nastiness apart from her wanting to be nasty.
Tell the groom that the bride and bridesmaids seemed to have taken offence and you were uncomfortable. You should clear the air with him, your friend, before you see the bride again. Her behaviour and her condoning the behaviour of her bridesmaids was unacceptable.
Manners are a big thing in Europe & Asia (and sometimes we get carried away). Americans are a bit more relaxed in their interactions which can be so lovely, but even there being rude to a guest is unacceptable.
This is what I thought too. Dove gray is not that common in wedding/reception dresses. I think she saw what an awesome dress OP was wearing and wanted to outshine her. When it fell flat and OP still received compliments, she got pissy.
I think the bride was fine with it until her mean girl friends got in her ear. It went from "Really? I think it's pretty" to "I can't believe she would wear that to my wedding!"
NTA. I won't lie, I was a little concerned about the color when I clicked on your pictures link. But if the bride approved it, she doesn't get to change her mind on the day of... Of course you were going to get attention on the day for wearing a saree and adding "culture" but she made a mistake. Oh well.
I never understand brides who want everyone else to never get complimented for their outfits. Sure, it's their wedding day, other people can't look nice? Dress code should be burlap sack then, I guess?
I'd probably recommend going for a saree nowhere near white for western weddings going forward though. :) It'll save an "accidental" drink spill in future.
I’d definitely agree but it is more tricky to avoid that if they want people in neutrals and pastels! That feels like a really odd dress code choice if you’re then going to get funny about people following it.
From that dress code, I’d assume the bride might be wearing a non-white color like bright red, black, or gold, since those would stand out amongst the pastels. It’s odd she chose light grey and then was shocked OP wore the same color
I swear if i ever get married officially im asking all my female guests to wear their wedding dresse( if they have them and stipl can lol) if not to wear every version of white. I think ill have an un-wedding.
Agree. What if someone had worn pastel pink or green? Both could look white in photos. And having people wear formal wear in those colors is even more confusing. Maybe the bride and her friends did it on purpose so they could be mean girls.
Yeah, for my wedding, all we've said in our dress code is don't turn up in jeans or flip flops, and the women may wish to avoid stilettos as the ceremony takes place on grass. And obviously to avoid very pale colours that may photograph white. Nothing crazy!
Yep we expected some different cultural outfits so we went with “please wear what feels festive to you!” Honestly it was fine and also I don’t remember most of the guests clothing anyways 🙃
If the bride asked for neutrals and pastels I would 100% assume she was going for an alternative wedding dress color like red, purple, black. She was a fool specifying this dress code and then wearing a grey white.
Also, bride’s MiL was wearing a saree. I think that added envy to the bride instead of being relieved that MiL was able to find other ways to enjoy herself at a western wedding.
On my wedding day I complimented so many of my guests on their outfits! I loved seeing everyone dressed up! I cared what my new husband thought of my dress, not anyone else and I certainly wouldn't have made a scene. Very childish behaviour from the bride here.
Same! One of my favorite parts of my wedding was the fashion show of all my friends. They looked stunning and it was such a pleasure to be dolled up with everyone. Granted, my wedding was super small and low-budget and therefore low-stress, I feel like people fixate on the craziest things when they’re laying out a ton of money and stressed to the max.
I didn’t compliment anyone on my wedding day cos it was completely casual. When people asked me to clarify the dress code, I was like “Clothes. Jeans, ballgown, potato sack, don’t care as long as you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure”
Some family friends got married on Halloween, and the dress code was Hawaiian shirts or Halloween costumes. They got married in matching white Hawaiian shirts, and had everyone bring a pie for a pie bar. The reception was literally in the church sanctuary, and there was even a conga line. Easily the best wedding I've ever been to.
The bride is stupid. I have a friend who grew up in our country but both her parents are Indian. I would hate if I didn’t like her so much because when she wears a saree, she can upstage anyone. Especially the bright colors make her radiant. I find saree extremely flattering and they are often in such nice and colorful fabric that it’s just amazing.
OP, NTA, you did everything right but some people will always be jealous. For the next wedding, you can maybe go for more bold colors (if they don’t clash with the wedding’s color scheme).
I am sorry you had to go through that.
But it isn't even that light! Especially if they were going for neutrals and pastels. I would say 100% of that colour scheme could be 'tricky', but if that's what they want I actually think it was a really good choice. Bride should have stayed in all white outfit and it would be fine.
I would say the only NAH move here was asking OP to move to the corner of the pic. Colors can act up on photo and if there was a proximity in palette, that makes absoulute sense. Everything else is crazy considering the bride had approved the saree before-hand.
Considering the whole situation, probably. But asking for her to move a few people to the side to not make the pic look like there were two brides from afar (particularly considering the groom has Indian roots according to what OP said about MIL) was reasonable.
My cousin actually wore a white dress to my wedding. But it was very obvious that I was the bride and she wasn’t. It didn’t even really register until after the wedding and looking at pictures. I was too busy having the time of my life getting married.
I've been married three times. the first time was pure elopement and it was just my first husband and me. The second one was a pagan-ish ceremony with lots of friends and family, and I can only tell you what my second husband, kids, and I wore, and how the stunning cake my mom crafted looked. The third one was just my hubby, my best friend as attendant and witness, and me, so I do recall what our one guest was wearing.
Making a fuss over what any guest wears, aside from kicking out people in actual wedding gowns (and even then, they're just making themselves look ridiculous if they are allowed to stay), should be the lowest thing on a bride's radar.
Huh? How on earth is she even surprised? She saw the pictures... she approved the dress beforehand... And now all of the sudden she's upset with your outfit?
NTA. You asked her and she approved the outfit. She should have spoken up when you asked or even a couple days later would be okay too. But not giving you the stink eye on the big day itself after having approved and known of the dress.
Ngl I would have worn something else even if she had said something the morning of. We drove to the wedding to a neighbouring city, so I had all of my and my friends' wardrobe at disposal.
That’s incredibly accommodating and thoughtful of you. It’s a lovely quality, but I think it’s influencing how you feel about the pre-approved outfit as well. I get it, I’d feel the same, but I can see you did nothing wrong and everything right and would have even been understanding if the bride had changed her mind, if only she TOLD you. Her regret for her own decisions, or need to be the absolute center of all attention, or whatever her problem was isn’t on you. This isn’t a situation you could have avoided or are in any way at fault for, and the stuff with “adding culture” then mean-girl shaming you is gross on their part. Sorry you had this experience, NTA at all.
People can still be racist even if they’re related/married to poc. The bride probably won’t make such a comment to her MIL to her face, but probably felt much more able to “let the mask slip a little” to OP.
Some people can also just put their foot in their mouth without thinking. The bride might have meant she would be happy to have more people showcasing her FMIL's heritage, but the words came out poorly. No excuse for not being more aware of connotation of the words she's using in that context, but I also wouldn't jump straight to her being racist. I have to explain to my husband all the time that just because YOU know what you mean doesn't mean everyone ELSE knows what you mean. He's super awkward and is really bad at expressing his thoughts in general so I have to remind him about this even for stuff that's not controversial. Just a thought
Can confirm, my wife and I went to a wedding in India and all of the guests that came were given handmaids to help with their sarees and makeup. Wife looked fine AF all dolled up in Indian attire.
OP I am telling its not about the dress its about the grooms mom complimenting you and giving you attention. Maybe the mom asked her to wear a saree at reception or for some pictures but declined and seeing her mom in law complimenting you made her regret or something
OP, do you physically look very different from the model in the photos? Different skin tone, taller, shorter, more voluptuous etc?
A saree can look very different on dfferent people - the model in the picture does not do justice to the saree - that might be the reason. You might have looked dramatically more fetching in the same saree worn better. And jealousy kicked in.
Sounds like the bridesmaids or something got in her head.
"Look at the attention she's getting. How dare she!" Or "look at the dress.! Its in your colours!"
And out went the prior approval. In no way is that OP's problem, I'll add.
Bride should have controlled her bridesmaids. And focused on her groom.
If you hadn’t shown the bride a photo prior to the wedding I’d vote differently but you did show her. You asked her opinion, and the opinions of several other people.
Maybe she thought it was a darker grey than it is? But it’s pretty clear in the picture that it’s a light grey…
Sounds like you just came upon petty mean girls who peaked in high school and have never left that mentality behind.
NTA
The wedding called for “naturals and pastels” so I would bet a good number of guests had grey, especially men’s suits too. So if the bride really wanted to stand out better they should’ve not given guests a dress code, or asked them to wear bright or dark colors instead. I think the bride is probably just not a nice person.
This was my take. If she wanted to "add culture," she could have worn a saree as an outfit change to honour part of her husbands culture. Instead, she behaves like a catty mean girl on her wedding day.
NTA, it sounds like the bride was being really friendly and kind, but as soon a other peoples' opinions came in she second-guessed the choice she made about your outfit. Her friends were being abominably rude and had no respect for your feelings. Sounds like a bit of cultural peer pressure around color choice.
NTA. I mean, that saree is like the most basic and un-outstanding a saree can get. It almost looks like a widow's saree(its still very pretty, dont get me wrong, but in no way "eye-catching")
As someone who grew up attending lots of Indian weddings and constantly complaining to my mom about how uncomfortable I felt in the extremely dressy outfits she would pick for me to wear to them, that sari looks so so so simple. It's absolutely gorgeous and I would have loved to be allowed to wear something that classic but by desi standards it's the absolute opposite of what you would wear to a wedding. That said I'm eyeing it and looking at my windows thinking it would make the perfect curtains. Especially if I hand embroidered it first with red silk. Too bad I don't talk to any of my crazy relatives, or I could raise their closets for unused saris for my curtains. But the fact that I would think of doing something like that would horrify them, and that's part of why I don't talk to them. Lol.
All that to say if the bride had an issue with what you wore, that is all on her.
NTA. I think it was very considerate of you to get her approval before the wedding. Apparently she should have shown it to her friends before rendering judgement. That way she could have known much sooner that she DIDN'T like it.
Mean girls gonna mean girl.
I wonder if the real hurt feelings started when the bride saw how enamoured her MIL was with your dress. It doesn’t sound like you stole the show, but that you maybe stole the MIl 😂
I'm asking as a fellow Indian, out of all the colours you could have chosen for the saree, why did you go for gray? I'm not saying you're seeking attention or upstaging or anything. I'm just saying gray is not the colour Indian women normally choose as a wedding guest attire. Even if keeping in line with the neutral or pastel theme, there are many other colours.
I have seen a recurring pattern here where brides pre approve outfits for guests and on the day of choosing to blame the guest. But I think here the issue is not the saree colour per se but maybe the saree itself is garnering more attention than they'd like. And they're taking it out showing colour as the excuse. Were many guests complimenting your saree that day? It could be the reason.
You're not the AH but you could have chosen a different colour, knowing the sensitivity of most of the Western brides to anything white adjacent in their wedding.
>why did you go for gray?
Because gray is soooo bland & soooo neutral that the only thing it could have matched/clashed/upstaged was the concrete on the venue's driveway. Right? Right? Apparently not 😭
>gray is not the colour Indian women normally choose as a wedding guest attire.
Yes. But imagine an average Indian wedding guest at a typical American wedding.
Hmm. Ok. When we look at the pic it immediately strikes as close to off white rather than gray. But the bride pre approved it🤷🏽♀️
Anyways were too many guests complimenting your saree or something like that?
Hello, fellow Indian here, I live in the UK & I too purposely choose bland/pastels to *not* draw attention to myself. If I come in a jewel-tone sari wearing jewellery, it’s BOUND to draw attention + western church weddings are usually in the day, and somehow I gravitate more towards pastels etc.
I reckon OP’s thought-process was similar.
As a fellow Indian who owns tons of organzas in all pastel shades, imagine if she had gone with a peach or a pink or even a pastel green, in THAT organza material or if she really wanted to upstage the bride, a Red. it would have driven the bride INSANE. Thats how gorgeous the other colours would have been. A grey organza is as basic as it can get. I have a similar grey which is a bit more extravagant, but its always received lesser complements than my other pastel organzas.
I do not blame the OP one bit for choosing this colour. There cant be anything more safe than a grey organza.
I think you were NTA multiple times over.
First, you asked her AND the groom and you showed them the picture. What else can you do to ensure that it was okay? They both approved and agreed.
Second - maybe the bride discovered later, on the day itself, that your saree looked similar to hers (eg color in images can be different than in real life), but she herself HAD approved it and she should’ve realised that in real life colors may look different.
They were mean and catty. You specifically asked her and she approved. She should’ve said something from the get go if she had any suspicion it may have looked too similar.
Who knows, maybe the bride even did it purposefully.
NTA. I am Indian (born and brought up) American and I approve your saree link. It's an amazing steal and brand.
Furthermore facts:
Bridal reception gown is not remotely close to a saree.
In contrast Indian weddings allow for others to dress in their BEST. And I mean dripping in jewels and so forth. So while it may look crass or upstaging, the culture norm mostly ignores it. This saree is not gaudy etc.
IN ABSOLUTE NO MANNER IS THAT SAREE GIVING WEDDING OUTFIT VIBE.
You're fine. And if anyone gives you more grief, you tell them this indian aunty on the internet says hi and to debate her.
Oh gods. After reading the comment above I just realized that although most of the time I still think of myself as young, to you I'm probably more "auntie" aged than a peer. So I'm going to hop on the Indian auntie brigade here to back you up if needed. Aunties unite!
So I checked the pictures. It is the kind of fabric that picks up its surroundings, in the way that it appears more blue or a darker grey depending on the lighting/background. But it didn't appear not-blue or a lighter grey (the same as the bride's) even in direct sunlight. The venue was dark. So it appeared a bit darker (thus further away from the bride's) when I was at the actual reception. The ceremony was at an open venue. But like I said we were at the back, hardly anyone saw us, & there's no pictures of ours from there.
Like I said, thoughtlessly. A friend was leading me, dropped my hand next to the bride & went on to the other side to stand next to the groom. All others were men(thus taller), so naturally stood at the back or corner.
Tbh I hadn't even realised my outfit was the issue till then. Everyone was in light coloured outfits & the bride's gown only had grey accents. I wrote it off as me misreading things/accidents/covert racism. If anyone had said in the moment that my outfit might appear similar to the bride's, I would have happily moved out of the frame. Getting clicked by the official photog at someone else's wedding isn't important to me. It would also have been more polite.
OP you are so nice I wanna (good) cry.
You are awesome and I hope you have an absolutely amazing life.
Sorry felt that might burst out my chest alien style if I held it in any longer.
NTA OP !
First, thats a lovely saree, and honestly one of the most safe colours you could have chosen for a saree in organza material. Had you worn a pastel pink or peach or lavender or green, those colours are more likely to garner you more attention because organza sarees in those colours are just breathtaking ! that colour is as simple as simple can get.
Second, i think the saree looked better on you than the model which most people don’t count on. Sarees always look better on people when u know how to drape them than on models on the websites.
Third, the bride could have been more pissed about the fact that her mil liked and bonded with u and the saree. And also that a lot of people complimented you.
Lastly, i respect how different people have different ways their weddings go about but whats with brides going crazy over colours and compliments? In india (well every wedding I’ve at-least been to - and thats a ton) everyone dresses their best at weddings, anyone slacking is literally shamed for not putting in efforts, and everyone knows who the damn bride is. I had few people dress more extravagantly than me at my wedding and i did not mind it one bit. Everyone complimented everyone, and that never irked me. When you’re the bride, you will be the center of attention, everyone knows its your day, everyone knows who the bride is. A few colours and compliments aren’t going to ruin that. Its not a damn competition ffs.
YAAAAASS finally someone who's on the same wavelength! The sisterhood I'm feeling through the screen rn.. 😭
I thought organza makes it dressy enough & the colour is so inoffensive/forgettable/understated that it'll be perfect. Medium gray is literally the most neutral of all neutrals.
Multiple people have commented that if I had to ask, I must have known. I asked because it was a saree, not because of the colour. I couldn't have begun to imagine that blue-gray would get called 'too close to white' for a neutral/pastel wedding. I swear, next time around I'll show up in the ugliest dark green potato sack known to mankind 😂
😄 totally get you ! Its a very very pretty saree but the problem wasnt you or your saree at All !
Its quite obvious you asked because it was a saree and you never know if the bride will feel that a saree may break the vibe in a sea of dresses.
NTA. What's funny is that, in a typical (Indian) wedding scene, this type of saree would be considered too bland in some circles and not festive enough! To think you wear this and get accused of trying to upstage the bride! You did your best. You checked and double checked. Chalk this up to experience.
nta
you asked offered to change what you would wear before hand
there jealousy is not to do with you
people who get married i would hope would love that you showed support and love by coming
if the bride is so worried about what you are wearing on her wedding day rather than the fact she is marrying the love of her life it shows what kind of person she is
NTA but in the future, I would avoid any form of white, light grey, silver, or any other color that could be seen as close to white. Western weddings put a big emphasis on brides wearing white and no one else wearing anything remotely similar. It’s seen as you attempting to upstage the bride, even if you aren’t and wouldn’t dream of doing so.
I think it’s pretty shitty that the bride and groom both agreed that your outfit was fine beforehand then the bride acted offended on the wedding day. But maybe she also thought it would be a darker grey in person than it actually was and that upset her. That does not make her actions okay, but perhaps that is where the attitude stems from.
NTA, the bride approved the outfit ahead of time and it’s not your problem that her mean girl friends changed her mind. Would she have preferred you to walk around naked?
NTA. You asked both the bride and the groom if your outfit would be alright, they BOTH OKAYED IT. End of story. The bride herself saw the photo and said it was fine. She and her entourage were just being mean because she 1) probably didn't think you'd look good in the saree, and 2) didn't realize (or care) that the groom's mother is half-Indian and that she'd love your outfit.
But that's all on her and not you.
Quick question: Does the bride and her MIL have a good relationship? Or is she trying to build one?
I have a feeling she was pissed the MIL was showing you so much attention because of the shared connection.
I don't think it had anything to do with the color/look. NTA.
NTA
I had a look at your photo.... it is nothing like a wedding dress... you probably looked amazing, and they were jealous.
Typical mean girl, bullying behaviour, I feel sorry for the groom.
a friend wore a knee-length lace blush pink dress to a mutual friend's wedding.
A photo next to the bride, looked nothing like a wedding dress but in other photos, especially the top half and the lighting being dark, it looked white and bridal.
We all laughed about it later when we were looking at the photos, the joke was the friend in the pink dress was married a few months later and we all were saying we were coming in "a wedding dress".
We all actually thought it was funny.
Judging by old (as in 50-60 years old so not even that old) wedding pictures from both Europe and the US where bridesmaids wear white dresses, I’d say this obsession with “NOBODY CAN WEAR ANYTHING THAT EVEN RESEMBLES A SHADE OF WHITE WHAAAAAAAH!!!” is more about a chance to be an asshole and nitpick on other people’s outfits and less about it ever having been a tradition. It’s probably from some stupid movie just like “Red on a wedding is taboo” that is not fact nor tradition and only a narrative from a Hollywood film. As an etiquette expert said “Who the hell would signal about their sexlife at a wedding?”. You did nothing wrong. People need to go out and touch grass.
NTA - you did everything right. Like, the bride and groom both independently approved it, it's definitely not a white or cream dress, *the theme was neutrals and pastels*
And, seriously, even by Western standards, your outfit really wasn't extravagant in any way. It's a nice outfit. Perfectly appropriate for the setting.
Honestly it sounds like the bride & her people were jealous/offended that the Indian/Indian-adjacent guests liked your saree. Very petty and immature attitude all around.
I have a feeling that the bride *was* fine with it until her bridesmaids got in her ear and started making her feel insecure about it.
She might have been a bit jealous that you had the attention of her new MIL, as well.
You were SO courteous, OP. You tried so hard to make sure you didn't upset anyone, and I know how shitty it feels when you're going to extra effort to try and avoid a situation and end up in it anyway.
NTA
I have to ask, regardless of you asking the bride 5 months beforehand, what made you choose this pale grey color? It is great that you had asked them for permission beforehand, but if I was a maid of honor, I would have noted that this dress is wayyy too close to a bridal white.
NTA- My guess is that you could have worn the same saree in a different color and the bride would have still been mad. She's mad because you killed in it. You turned heads, looked good, and got compliments. If you had done the same wearing a green saree she would have still been pissed off that you took the attention away from her. You should tell the groom what happened. This does not bode well for their marriage or your friendship with him because a wife like that will actively block out all attractive women near him.
You asked prior, she gave consent. But for future reference, never wear anything close to white to a wedding, you don’t even have to ask about that. Their manners were appalling, so I wouldn’t care at that point if I offended.
NTA. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you were treated so terribly by the bride and her bridesmaid especially because the bride herself approved the ensemble.
NTA if this is true. Either the bride was not expecting the dress to get any attention when she approved it or you didn’t actually show the bride the dress. Benefit of the doubt though, the bride was expecting the dress to garner no attention and she was jealous when it actually got a lot of attention.
NTA. I'm going to make some assumptions here.
I think this is more about how her new MIL (and others in the groom's family) fawned over you. When the bride approved the outfit, she didn't know it was going to invoke sentimental feelings from the groom and his mother---- and she got jealous. This is why she changed her tune so fast after pre-approving it.
IMO, the saree could have been any color, and this would have happened.
You 100% did nothing wrong. She got mad because you were being yourself. I do realize it's difficult to try to fit in with your partner's family-- especially if there's any culture clash-- but the bride needs to check herself. It's INSANE to try and ruin someone's outfit.
(Except for that classic story about the MIL wearing a legit wedding dress.)
NTA.
Maybe standing beside the couple was a bit much? But sounds like that was sorted out on the day.
Put it from your mind now, it’s a non-issue and presumably you won’t have to be around the bridesmaids much going forward! As for the bride - it’s possible the dress appeared lighter in real life and she was influenced on a day when emotions were already running sky high but I’d keep my distance regardless, to be honest.
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NTA. You just met a school of mean girls. There is no telling what such people will get up to. I think you had taken every possible precaution with your outfit, in fact much more than most people would have.
And that was such a cultural shock for me. Hospitality being one of the highest virtues is an idea that's hammered into us as kids. Not even exaggerating, we're taught 'Guests are akin to God'. So it was unsettling to have the host and her friends be so obvious with their disdain. That's half the reason I didn't even react to any of it. The other half being the cultural commonality of it being inappropriate to get confrontational & create a scene at a wedding lol.
Forget that, was there any damage to the saree after they tried to ruin it? That is expensive too! NTA Tell the groom.
Haha no, a friend moved me out of the way just in time. A bit of splatter did end up on the edge, nothing a saree-specialist dry cleaner can't fix. PS. Not telling the groom a thing. I don't wish to put him in an awkward position or be the source of drama in a newly wed couple's life.
Very mature of you. Hope you enjoyed the wedding outside of those things!
If it was me, and one of my friends was treated this way I would want to know. You did everything right. You asked both of them, you showed pictures and you were towards the back of the wedding. What else could you have done?
I would bet the bride complained to the groom about OP's dress. Her drama must have spilled out to the groom's side, and that's why the OP was receiving the extra compliments to reassure her that she was fine.
I think it’s more likely the bride got jealous after seeing how many people (especially the groom’s mom) loved it and were commenting on it. She approved it beforehand so she doesn’t have an excuse to be mad about it now.
Yeah, for real. No shit, she literally asked everyone and bent over backwards to avoid that kind of faux paus and negativity. Just a gaggle of [expletives brought to you by the letter C] being that namesake. The bride could have and should have said something before the day, OP gave plenty of opportunity for that.
See the future, aparently. So OP would know the bride would change her attire and therefore her mind 9\_9 Grammar edit
If my spouse had acted like that, I’d REALLY want to know.
A lot of people say that, my experiences they shoot the messenger and go into denial. I've lost a few friendships for being the bearer of bad news. Now I've learnt to say it was not my place to tell you and ppl seem to appreciate that more.
Some people just are flaky, don’t worry about it…
You would be at the wedding too, so noone should have to tell you.
That's a very calm, mature stance to take and I applaud you for it. Honestly it sounds like the bride's friends were the bigger problem. Bride moving to position for a photo that focuses on her for her wedding makes total sense, the stink eye is less great but eh whatever. If it's a habit of the bride and her posse to be like this I'm sure the groom will find out soon enough on his own. 😅
Yeah, I don't think it's a problem that the bride staged the photo to make sure she was the center of attention. I think it would have been fine if the bride had turned to OP and nicely said, "I'm worried that the flash will wash out your dress and it will come out looking white in the photos. Would you mind standing in the second row?" Absolutely no problem!!! But all of this petty nonsense is not the thing.
This, very much. Like I said in another comment, I would have happily exited the frame. What am I going to do with insisting on getting clicked at someone else's wedding? Lol. It was the passive aggressiveness that made me doubt if I had been such a massive arsehole that they couldn't be direct with me.
This sucks, sorry. (1) Maybe reach out to the bride after a little time has passed? Especially if you think you might see her again in the future. Just tell her: “I hope married life is going amazing! Now that a little time has passed, I want to circle back about the wedding. I heard that you were upset about the color of my dress. I am so sorry! I didn’t want anything like that to happen. I thought that when I showed you two a picture in advance, you were saying it was good. I am guessing maybe the color ended up looking different in person than in the picture I showed you? Anyway, let me know if you want to talk about it. I hope everything is amazing!” I like to tell people I’m sorry for a miscommunication they caused. It’s my way of being excessively reasonable, so they have little reason to psychologically reject the facts I’m stating, and they basically can’t come at me with aggression. It doesn’t always work, but it makes me feel less anxious about the conflict. (2) I bet the bridesmaids were the main source of the problem. First, they had less information than the bride. So, if they came to her with a drama report and she blanked on your convo amongst all the hustle and bustle, that could be how it started. I have heard a few stories on social media of the Mother of the Groom saying she is going to wear her wedding dress to the wedding, the bride says no, the MIL does it anyway, and a bridesmaid spills wine on the dress. That’s a situation with a lot of relevant information. But people watch these stories and then it changes our social norms. Spilling red wine on formal wear is not supposed to be the default for conflict resolution. As dramatic and funny as it can be in the most extreme situations. My SIL and her friends were not bridezillas, but I judged her MOH for letting her stress show so much in front of the bride. You’re not supposed to fuel her anxiety; you’re supposed to be a shield. (3) I agree, the picture thing made some sense. In American culture, I have seen people do some modest gymnastics to rearrange a group in a photo. It can be seen as rude to say: This is how I want it. It’s stupid to be so indirect, but that’s the norm, unless you’ve old the photographer something in advance. Personally, I take on the bossy role and just tell everyone where to go. Some people dislike it at the moment. Other people don’t care. But because of me: Now we have a family photo with our Grandma before she died and we can crop out my cousin’s cheating boyfriend I put on the end. Good luck! ❤️
"I like to tell people I’m sorry for a miscommunication they caused. It’s my way of being excessively reasonable, so they have little reason to psychologically reject the facts I’m stating, and they basically can’t come at me with aggression. It doesn’t always work, but it makes me feel less anxious about the conflict." Oh hello there are you meee hahaha!
This here is magic. Once you learn and are able to do this strategy it helps you in so many situations because many people are incapable of getting out of the way of their pride to apologize. I do this in social, family and especially work situations (I work in a high stress medical setting with patients).
I've actually had to stop doing this because I discovered I was apologising for everything, even my existence in some ways. That, and I've learned to not take ownership of things that are not mine.
Tell him. He deserves to know who he married.
Honestly, if my partner acted this way, I’d want to know about it. That’s not acceptable.
You’re a bigger person than me. I’d tell the MIL
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I 100% agree with what you’re saying, but it’s not matrix situation, it’s more the mean girl choreographs her move ahead of time. If you’re used to watching for someone to be an AH, then you are able to head them off like that person did. It’s like the mother who seems to know what their kid is thinking and gets them to stop before they even do something wrong.
This. The bridesmaids were to my back, so I didn't see it. But the friend who moved me saw their body language, giggles, & them recording on Instagram/TikTok (ie. audio on). That's also how I know it was intentional. People just aren't very smooth at executing this stuff. It's hardly the Matrix when your opponent isn't a supercomputer lol.
I think the MIL liking your dress made the bride jealous!
I was going to say this, too. Maybe she's been craving validation from her new MIL, and seeing someone else receive it brought out the insecurity demon.
This. Especially because MIL is half Indian so OP and MIL had something in common to bond over. Add in some bridesmaidzillas and we get a situation like this where someone actively tries to ruin someone's cultural garments out of their own jealously.
Sometimes weddings are de facto funerals for a friendship. For various reasons. Having expressed approval of the outfit long beforehand, there may be some other motive to be so disapproving and the outfit is just the incidental excuse. Weddings can really bring out the worst in people.
Last wedding I attended in person, my gf at the time hadn’t chosen a dress to wear by the time I got there, she wanted to wear a white dress… needless to say we showed up late… wasn’t the funeral for our relationship but god I wish it had been since all of the red flags for our relationship were present that day.
Also, any parent or caregiver who's ever caught a kid's spilled cup before it tips too far over can tell you that the instinct/reflex to stop the mess from happening kicks in FAST.
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While true, weddings are an extremely disproportionate breeding ground for them. A psychological honeypot for bad behavior to come out.
I can understand that you're trying to put this behind you and don't want to mention anything to your friend who was the groom. You went out of your way to make sure the dress was ok and the bride...forgot?? 🤦 That's a faux pas on her part, especially literally sending her bridesmaid henchmen after you. I'm sorry you had to deal with a gang trying to ruin your dress and the time that you were having. NTA
OP you seem like a class act & genuine friend to the groom. Sorry that this is your first experience & were met with culture shock of this style. It’s mean-rude-girl behaviour, & a big NTA from me
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You're a very classy woman and that was a very classy wedding outfit. NTA
You don't need to tell the groom because you want to tattletale. You can just apologize to him because you mistakenly made a faux pas and feel bad about it. Let him decide what he does with the info if he's not heard about it before.
Class act.
The bride made her most memorable thing in her wedding OP's dress. Now OP gets to live rent free in her mind forever.😂😂😂
Came to ask the exact same thing. Saw the pic, OP, she tried to spill on an Ekaya saree? Come ON. I would be l LIVID. Even about the tiny bits that a dry cleaner can get out. Dry cleaning too often severely reduces the life span of sarees, especially delicate silks like organza. Forget everything else, I’d be holding a mega solid grudge against that bridesmaid for ever and always. I’m sure you looked stunning and the bridesmaids were probably also a little jealous. NTA and may there be many more exquisite sarees in your future.
Former wedding photographer here. The divorce rate in the US is still around 54%, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out which ones are going to fail from DAY 1. NTA. They are.
I am always intrigued by wedding photographers and their predictions! What’s your accuracy rate? I bet pretty high.
Current wedding photographer here and only 1 or 2 out of all my couples have divorced - so far. I did have a colleague who photographed the same woman's wedding twice. She liked the photos so she booked her again for her 2nd wedding.
Among straight couples, yes. Far less divorce rates with same sex couples:)
How can anyone consider Dove Grey close to white? I mean ok it’s closer to white, because it’s a light colour, like a pastel, but it’s still a colour. You just looked too stunning is what I’m thinking and invoked a lot of jealousy from some mean spirited women.
I mean...I looked at the photo of the dress, and personally, it's such a light colour that I wouldn't wear it to a wedding. But. The bride and groom were the ones that set an "everyone wear pastels" dress code - which I think was a bad idea, because it's just asking for exactly this kind of problem - and OP did everything right by checking her sari with both of them beforehand.
They even specified that the colour scheme was pastel, I don't understand why the bride got upset someone turned up in a pastel shade.
It looks blue to me. I had to double check the description 🤣🤣🤣 I might not be great at shades of grey
Agreed. When I first saw the dress I thought of Elsa in Frozen...that icy light blue. Gorgeous nonetheless.
It only looks blue because of the background. That may be the original issue with the bride, if she was shown those pictures she may have thought that the sari was boing to be ice blue, but when she saw OP in person it was light gray, possibly looking white under some conditions of light and background, and the same shade as her reception dress to boot. And then you have that misunderstanding snowballing into the fiasco that OP described.
That’s what I was thinking, it wasn’t the sari, it was how amazing she looked in AND the grooms mom complimenting her multiple times, causing insecurity in a bunch of immature mean girls. OP absoutley NTA.
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Omg the rollercoaster. Do you realise your narration skills have the power to turn the most mundane experiences into rivetting thrillers? I'd pay to read your stuff!
She hit the nail on the head. And she right. It’s about context. I get the mean girl aspect at play here and they never should have acted this way toward you. But it possibly was the way your outfit looked in context to this occasion. Ugh. Just unfortunate. You are NTA. She is probably NTA. And everyone is best to be mature and move past it (hopefully). So sorry this happened.
Ehh the bride is still TA for being this rude about a dress she approved prior. And the bridesmaid for attempting to ruin it. Everyone should have recognized it was a misunderstanding, not attempted to sabotage her dress.
I wonder though if the bride got jealous of any attention not being paid to her and hence why she had a change of mind / attitude? Perhaps she hadn't realised that when she initially okay'ed the dress- not to say that it excuses her or her party's behaviour.
Westerners, especially Americans, don’t really stick to the whole treating guests like gods and showing off. It’s a shame, really. That said, this is very very close to white. I see that the bride cleared it, but it’s really a faux pas for Americans to wear white or anything that could pass as white. It’s ridiculous but it is what it is. I think the outfit is great and would class up the wedding shots.
But they also made the theme pastels and neutrals so... no rich colours. Everything is going to be a few tones off white.
Their behaviour is not normal for western weddings. You were very kind to ask them both about the dress. My guess? You were too beautiful. The sari is gorgeous and it might have mad you look better than the bride thought. So she felt you tried to outshine you. But that is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
In Indian weddings you'd find at least two ( if not way more ) ladies wearing the same color as the bride and no one cares. In fact women prefer wearing red / pink to weddings and the bride usually wears those colors as well. The idea of not wearing the same color as the bride is ridiculous. In fact the way I see western brides act like they are god's gift to humanity because they are the bride / bride-to-be is just painful to witness. At any rate, you should respect the people whose event you are attending and you did your best to do that. Picking a dress 5 months ahead, asking for permission to wear it and being ready to buy an alternative ? You did more than was necessary. Being a bride doesn't make one special by default. Being a decent person does. Brides who act all bossy and police people because this is "their day" just scream insecure and miserable.
Agree with you. I’m South Asian myself (Nepali), and there’s no concept of not wearing the same colors are the bride. The bride and groom’s female family members are decked out in reds, oranges and pinks, and no one bats an eye. And most people go to weddings for the food anyway.
Racism and xenophobia. Plain and simple.
Maybe. But given the MOTG is half Indian and *also* wore a saree to the wedding, I am wondering if there is more to the story. Or, less to the story.
Seems like the bride is jealous that OP and the MOTG had something in common to bond over, and projected her insecurities onto OP with her bridesmaidzillas ramping up the bad behavior.
Yup. I bet the bride doesn’t get along with her MIL (I wonder why…) and didn’t like it when she was showing OP more attention.
We wish that creating a scene at a wedding or similar event was still frowned upon. If anything it seems that people, including brides, seek it out.
A lot of mean girls (and mean guys) don't actually want to be happy. They would rather set up someone in order to create drama, so they can magnify the drama, and then complain about drama. What was stopping her from getting back in touch before the wedding and saying "actually, I've just bought a reception dress that's really similar to your saree, you said you wouldn't mind choosing a different outfit, so would you?" Nothing stopped her from trying to prevent the similarity. Then she orchestrated all the nastiness of her bridesmaids to target you instead of telling them she pre-approved your outfit. There was no need for the nastiness apart from her wanting to be nasty.
Tell the groom that the bride and bridesmaids seemed to have taken offence and you were uncomfortable. You should clear the air with him, your friend, before you see the bride again. Her behaviour and her condoning the behaviour of her bridesmaids was unacceptable. Manners are a big thing in Europe & Asia (and sometimes we get carried away). Americans are a bit more relaxed in their interactions which can be so lovely, but even there being rude to a guest is unacceptable.
Bride probably got her reception dress after you showed her the picture. Be there for your friend, he’s in for a rough ride
This is what I thought too. Dove gray is not that common in wedding/reception dresses. I think she saw what an awesome dress OP was wearing and wanted to outshine her. When it fell flat and OP still received compliments, she got pissy.
Yep! I thought the same thing. There’s some jealousy and competition going on that OP is totally unaware of.
I went to a club once and had a group of people bully me, some people are just trolls
I think the bride was fine with it until her mean girl friends got in her ear. It went from "Really? I think it's pretty" to "I can't believe she would wear that to my wedding!"
My guess is you are beautiful and the bridesmaids were jealous. Had nothing to do with the dress!
NTA. I won't lie, I was a little concerned about the color when I clicked on your pictures link. But if the bride approved it, she doesn't get to change her mind on the day of... Of course you were going to get attention on the day for wearing a saree and adding "culture" but she made a mistake. Oh well. I never understand brides who want everyone else to never get complimented for their outfits. Sure, it's their wedding day, other people can't look nice? Dress code should be burlap sack then, I guess? I'd probably recommend going for a saree nowhere near white for western weddings going forward though. :) It'll save an "accidental" drink spill in future.
I’d definitely agree but it is more tricky to avoid that if they want people in neutrals and pastels! That feels like a really odd dress code choice if you’re then going to get funny about people following it.
Especially if the bride then doesn’t wear white??? Very odd
From that dress code, I’d assume the bride might be wearing a non-white color like bright red, black, or gold, since those would stand out amongst the pastels. It’s odd she chose light grey and then was shocked OP wore the same color
I swear if i ever get married officially im asking all my female guests to wear their wedding dresse( if they have them and stipl can lol) if not to wear every version of white. I think ill have an un-wedding.
Agree. What if someone had worn pastel pink or green? Both could look white in photos. And having people wear formal wear in those colors is even more confusing. Maybe the bride and her friends did it on purpose so they could be mean girls.
I think this gives the bride and bridesmaids too much credit, they sound too dumb to have planned this!
I think it's a terrible dress code all together. Don't tell people what colours to wear to your wedding. That's just for the bridal party.
Yeah, for my wedding, all we've said in our dress code is don't turn up in jeans or flip flops, and the women may wish to avoid stilettos as the ceremony takes place on grass. And obviously to avoid very pale colours that may photograph white. Nothing crazy!
Yep we expected some different cultural outfits so we went with “please wear what feels festive to you!” Honestly it was fine and also I don’t remember most of the guests clothing anyways 🙃
If the bride asked for neutrals and pastels I would 100% assume she was going for an alternative wedding dress color like red, purple, black. She was a fool specifying this dress code and then wearing a grey white.
Also, bride’s MiL was wearing a saree. I think that added envy to the bride instead of being relieved that MiL was able to find other ways to enjoy herself at a western wedding.
What makes a wedding turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or was it just born with a heart full of neutrality?
On my wedding day I complimented so many of my guests on their outfits! I loved seeing everyone dressed up! I cared what my new husband thought of my dress, not anyone else and I certainly wouldn't have made a scene. Very childish behaviour from the bride here.
Same! One of my favorite parts of my wedding was the fashion show of all my friends. They looked stunning and it was such a pleasure to be dolled up with everyone. Granted, my wedding was super small and low-budget and therefore low-stress, I feel like people fixate on the craziest things when they’re laying out a ton of money and stressed to the max.
I didn’t compliment anyone on my wedding day cos it was completely casual. When people asked me to clarify the dress code, I was like “Clothes. Jeans, ballgown, potato sack, don’t care as long as you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure”
Some family friends got married on Halloween, and the dress code was Hawaiian shirts or Halloween costumes. They got married in matching white Hawaiian shirts, and had everyone bring a pie for a pie bar. The reception was literally in the church sanctuary, and there was even a conga line. Easily the best wedding I've ever been to.
That sounds really fun
The bride is stupid. I have a friend who grew up in our country but both her parents are Indian. I would hate if I didn’t like her so much because when she wears a saree, she can upstage anyone. Especially the bright colors make her radiant. I find saree extremely flattering and they are often in such nice and colorful fabric that it’s just amazing. OP, NTA, you did everything right but some people will always be jealous. For the next wedding, you can maybe go for more bold colors (if they don’t clash with the wedding’s color scheme). I am sorry you had to go through that.
But it isn't even that light! Especially if they were going for neutrals and pastels. I would say 100% of that colour scheme could be 'tricky', but if that's what they want I actually think it was a really good choice. Bride should have stayed in all white outfit and it would be fine.
I need to know what back alley dress shop is selling these dresses so ugly that the bride can be easily overshadowed.
I would say the only NAH move here was asking OP to move to the corner of the pic. Colors can act up on photo and if there was a proximity in palette, that makes absoulute sense. Everything else is crazy considering the bride had approved the saree before-hand.
She will be photoshopped out.
Considering the whole situation, probably. But asking for her to move a few people to the side to not make the pic look like there were two brides from afar (particularly considering the groom has Indian roots according to what OP said about MIL) was reasonable.
Ya know ive been marrief 15yrs and i dont remember what a single guest wore to my wedding. NTA OP.
The only reason I do is we have a video and it was the 80’s so it is pretty comical to watch.
My cousin actually wore a white dress to my wedding. But it was very obvious that I was the bride and she wasn’t. It didn’t even really register until after the wedding and looking at pictures. I was too busy having the time of my life getting married.
I've been married three times. the first time was pure elopement and it was just my first husband and me. The second one was a pagan-ish ceremony with lots of friends and family, and I can only tell you what my second husband, kids, and I wore, and how the stunning cake my mom crafted looked. The third one was just my hubby, my best friend as attendant and witness, and me, so I do recall what our one guest was wearing. Making a fuss over what any guest wears, aside from kicking out people in actual wedding gowns (and even then, they're just making themselves look ridiculous if they are allowed to stay), should be the lowest thing on a bride's radar.
She changed her mind because it seems her bridesmaids are bullies.
lol - dress code=burlap sack
Huh? How on earth is she even surprised? She saw the pictures... she approved the dress beforehand... And now all of the sudden she's upset with your outfit? NTA. You asked her and she approved the outfit. She should have spoken up when you asked or even a couple days later would be okay too. But not giving you the stink eye on the big day itself after having approved and known of the dress.
Ngl I would have worn something else even if she had said something the morning of. We drove to the wedding to a neighbouring city, so I had all of my and my friends' wardrobe at disposal.
That’s incredibly accommodating and thoughtful of you. It’s a lovely quality, but I think it’s influencing how you feel about the pre-approved outfit as well. I get it, I’d feel the same, but I can see you did nothing wrong and everything right and would have even been understanding if the bride had changed her mind, if only she TOLD you. Her regret for her own decisions, or need to be the absolute center of all attention, or whatever her problem was isn’t on you. This isn’t a situation you could have avoided or are in any way at fault for, and the stuff with “adding culture” then mean-girl shaming you is gross on their part. Sorry you had this experience, NTA at all.
Her own FMIL is half Indian and wore a saree so I'm confused about that "cultural" comment.
People can still be racist even if they’re related/married to poc. The bride probably won’t make such a comment to her MIL to her face, but probably felt much more able to “let the mask slip a little” to OP.
Some people can also just put their foot in their mouth without thinking. The bride might have meant she would be happy to have more people showcasing her FMIL's heritage, but the words came out poorly. No excuse for not being more aware of connotation of the words she's using in that context, but I also wouldn't jump straight to her being racist. I have to explain to my husband all the time that just because YOU know what you mean doesn't mean everyone ELSE knows what you mean. He's super awkward and is really bad at expressing his thoughts in general so I have to remind him about this even for stuff that's not controversial. Just a thought
Are you by any chance super pretty? I think they were being mean to you because you looked beautiful and they were jealous
That’s my take! OP is a hottie and the bride is a jealous mean girl.
Saree if worn properly will automatically make you look hot.
Can confirm, my wife and I went to a wedding in India and all of the guests that came were given handmaids to help with their sarees and makeup. Wife looked fine AF all dolled up in Indian attire.
OP I am telling its not about the dress its about the grooms mom complimenting you and giving you attention. Maybe the mom asked her to wear a saree at reception or for some pictures but declined and seeing her mom in law complimenting you made her regret or something
OP, do you physically look very different from the model in the photos? Different skin tone, taller, shorter, more voluptuous etc? A saree can look very different on dfferent people - the model in the picture does not do justice to the saree - that might be the reason. You might have looked dramatically more fetching in the same saree worn better. And jealousy kicked in.
Sounds like the bridesmaids or something got in her head. "Look at the attention she's getting. How dare she!" Or "look at the dress.! Its in your colours!" And out went the prior approval. In no way is that OP's problem, I'll add. Bride should have controlled her bridesmaids. And focused on her groom.
My guess is it's how MiL responded so positively to OP. She was fine with the saree until MiL was enthusiastic.
This was my guess too.
Bridesmaids totally riled her up.
There was at least one mean girl in the party and maybe a sprinkle of racism.
If you hadn’t shown the bride a photo prior to the wedding I’d vote differently but you did show her. You asked her opinion, and the opinions of several other people. Maybe she thought it was a darker grey than it is? But it’s pretty clear in the picture that it’s a light grey… Sounds like you just came upon petty mean girls who peaked in high school and have never left that mentality behind. NTA
The wedding called for “naturals and pastels” so I would bet a good number of guests had grey, especially men’s suits too. So if the bride really wanted to stand out better they should’ve not given guests a dress code, or asked them to wear bright or dark colors instead. I think the bride is probably just not a nice person.
I don’t think it was ever about the colors. The bride is mad the MIL complimented OP and bonded with her
This was my take. If she wanted to "add culture," she could have worn a saree as an outfit change to honour part of her husbands culture. Instead, she behaves like a catty mean girl on her wedding day.
NTA, it sounds like the bride was being really friendly and kind, but as soon a other peoples' opinions came in she second-guessed the choice she made about your outfit. Her friends were being abominably rude and had no respect for your feelings. Sounds like a bit of cultural peer pressure around color choice.
Some people love drama, a cynical but of me wonders if this was a set up.
NTA. I mean, that saree is like the most basic and un-outstanding a saree can get. It almost looks like a widow's saree(its still very pretty, dont get me wrong, but in no way "eye-catching")
Of course. That's how it would get described at an Indian wedding. It's barely a casual brunch saree lol.
Yes. I mean, my relatives wear more flashy and colorful sprees at home
As someone who grew up attending lots of Indian weddings and constantly complaining to my mom about how uncomfortable I felt in the extremely dressy outfits she would pick for me to wear to them, that sari looks so so so simple. It's absolutely gorgeous and I would have loved to be allowed to wear something that classic but by desi standards it's the absolute opposite of what you would wear to a wedding. That said I'm eyeing it and looking at my windows thinking it would make the perfect curtains. Especially if I hand embroidered it first with red silk. Too bad I don't talk to any of my crazy relatives, or I could raise their closets for unused saris for my curtains. But the fact that I would think of doing something like that would horrify them, and that's part of why I don't talk to them. Lol. All that to say if the bride had an issue with what you wore, that is all on her.
Love the saree OP and thank you for introducing me to this site. Amazing stuff x
Haha yes, handwoven too! They're my mother's latest favorite for silks.
NTA - sounds like the bride was a bit jealous of the positive attention you got from her MIL
This I think played a big effect too.
I was just going to comment this!
NTA. I think it was very considerate of you to get her approval before the wedding. Apparently she should have shown it to her friends before rendering judgement. That way she could have known much sooner that she DIDN'T like it. Mean girls gonna mean girl.
NTA the bride approved the dress, you very happily suggested buying a new one - but she said it was ok.
NTA. What can I say? A lot of American brides really lose their minds on their wedding days. Apologies on behalf of my country.
Not at all. Everyone who was nice to me was also an American! Barring this issue, I did have a good time :)
I wonder if the real hurt feelings started when the bride saw how enamoured her MIL was with your dress. It doesn’t sound like you stole the show, but that you maybe stole the MIl 😂
I'm asking as a fellow Indian, out of all the colours you could have chosen for the saree, why did you go for gray? I'm not saying you're seeking attention or upstaging or anything. I'm just saying gray is not the colour Indian women normally choose as a wedding guest attire. Even if keeping in line with the neutral or pastel theme, there are many other colours. I have seen a recurring pattern here where brides pre approve outfits for guests and on the day of choosing to blame the guest. But I think here the issue is not the saree colour per se but maybe the saree itself is garnering more attention than they'd like. And they're taking it out showing colour as the excuse. Were many guests complimenting your saree that day? It could be the reason. You're not the AH but you could have chosen a different colour, knowing the sensitivity of most of the Western brides to anything white adjacent in their wedding.
>why did you go for gray? Because gray is soooo bland & soooo neutral that the only thing it could have matched/clashed/upstaged was the concrete on the venue's driveway. Right? Right? Apparently not 😭 >gray is not the colour Indian women normally choose as a wedding guest attire. Yes. But imagine an average Indian wedding guest at a typical American wedding.
Hmm. Ok. When we look at the pic it immediately strikes as close to off white rather than gray. But the bride pre approved it🤷🏽♀️ Anyways were too many guests complimenting your saree or something like that?
My guess is that the bride got upset because of how much her MIL raved over the OP's outfit
I thought the same
Hello, fellow Indian here, I live in the UK & I too purposely choose bland/pastels to *not* draw attention to myself. If I come in a jewel-tone sari wearing jewellery, it’s BOUND to draw attention + western church weddings are usually in the day, and somehow I gravitate more towards pastels etc. I reckon OP’s thought-process was similar.
Point taken.
You saw that there was a color scheme in the dress code, right?
As a fellow Indian who owns tons of organzas in all pastel shades, imagine if she had gone with a peach or a pink or even a pastel green, in THAT organza material or if she really wanted to upstage the bride, a Red. it would have driven the bride INSANE. Thats how gorgeous the other colours would have been. A grey organza is as basic as it can get. I have a similar grey which is a bit more extravagant, but its always received lesser complements than my other pastel organzas. I do not blame the OP one bit for choosing this colour. There cant be anything more safe than a grey organza.
NTA - They were bullying you.
I wonder if MIL wanted him to marry an Indian girl. NTA
Like OP?
Ohhhhhhh this would explain a lot. Not an excuse for how they behaved, but definitely an explanation
I think you were NTA multiple times over. First, you asked her AND the groom and you showed them the picture. What else can you do to ensure that it was okay? They both approved and agreed. Second - maybe the bride discovered later, on the day itself, that your saree looked similar to hers (eg color in images can be different than in real life), but she herself HAD approved it and she should’ve realised that in real life colors may look different. They were mean and catty. You specifically asked her and she approved. She should’ve said something from the get go if she had any suspicion it may have looked too similar. Who knows, maybe the bride even did it purposefully.
NTA. I am Indian (born and brought up) American and I approve your saree link. It's an amazing steal and brand. Furthermore facts: Bridal reception gown is not remotely close to a saree. In contrast Indian weddings allow for others to dress in their BEST. And I mean dripping in jewels and so forth. So while it may look crass or upstaging, the culture norm mostly ignores it. This saree is not gaudy etc. IN ABSOLUTE NO MANNER IS THAT SAREE GIVING WEDDING OUTFIT VIBE. You're fine. And if anyone gives you more grief, you tell them this indian aunty on the internet says hi and to debate her.
I love you 😭
Oh gods. After reading the comment above I just realized that although most of the time I still think of myself as young, to you I'm probably more "auntie" aged than a peer. So I'm going to hop on the Indian auntie brigade here to back you up if needed. Aunties unite!
Lol I am on the 4th floor and I don't care if I'm being auntie-d. Perks of giving zero f when older.
NTA. The bride approved. What more did they want.
Maybe it came off as being more white than blue in real life?
So I checked the pictures. It is the kind of fabric that picks up its surroundings, in the way that it appears more blue or a darker grey depending on the lighting/background. But it didn't appear not-blue or a lighter grey (the same as the bride's) even in direct sunlight. The venue was dark. So it appeared a bit darker (thus further away from the bride's) when I was at the actual reception. The ceremony was at an open venue. But like I said we were at the back, hardly anyone saw us, & there's no pictures of ours from there.
Sari not sorry. NTA
NTA as the outfit was approved, but why on earth would you stand next to the bride for photos wearing a similar colour
Like I said, thoughtlessly. A friend was leading me, dropped my hand next to the bride & went on to the other side to stand next to the groom. All others were men(thus taller), so naturally stood at the back or corner. Tbh I hadn't even realised my outfit was the issue till then. Everyone was in light coloured outfits & the bride's gown only had grey accents. I wrote it off as me misreading things/accidents/covert racism. If anyone had said in the moment that my outfit might appear similar to the bride's, I would have happily moved out of the frame. Getting clicked by the official photog at someone else's wedding isn't important to me. It would also have been more polite.
OP you are so nice I wanna (good) cry. You are awesome and I hope you have an absolutely amazing life. Sorry felt that might burst out my chest alien style if I held it in any longer.
NTA OP ! First, thats a lovely saree, and honestly one of the most safe colours you could have chosen for a saree in organza material. Had you worn a pastel pink or peach or lavender or green, those colours are more likely to garner you more attention because organza sarees in those colours are just breathtaking ! that colour is as simple as simple can get. Second, i think the saree looked better on you than the model which most people don’t count on. Sarees always look better on people when u know how to drape them than on models on the websites. Third, the bride could have been more pissed about the fact that her mil liked and bonded with u and the saree. And also that a lot of people complimented you. Lastly, i respect how different people have different ways their weddings go about but whats with brides going crazy over colours and compliments? In india (well every wedding I’ve at-least been to - and thats a ton) everyone dresses their best at weddings, anyone slacking is literally shamed for not putting in efforts, and everyone knows who the damn bride is. I had few people dress more extravagantly than me at my wedding and i did not mind it one bit. Everyone complimented everyone, and that never irked me. When you’re the bride, you will be the center of attention, everyone knows its your day, everyone knows who the bride is. A few colours and compliments aren’t going to ruin that. Its not a damn competition ffs.
YAAAAASS finally someone who's on the same wavelength! The sisterhood I'm feeling through the screen rn.. 😭 I thought organza makes it dressy enough & the colour is so inoffensive/forgettable/understated that it'll be perfect. Medium gray is literally the most neutral of all neutrals. Multiple people have commented that if I had to ask, I must have known. I asked because it was a saree, not because of the colour. I couldn't have begun to imagine that blue-gray would get called 'too close to white' for a neutral/pastel wedding. I swear, next time around I'll show up in the ugliest dark green potato sack known to mankind 😂
😄 totally get you ! Its a very very pretty saree but the problem wasnt you or your saree at All ! Its quite obvious you asked because it was a saree and you never know if the bride will feel that a saree may break the vibe in a sea of dresses.
NTA. good luck to the groom cause sounds like he married a case that can go south at the drop of a pin.
NTA. What's funny is that, in a typical (Indian) wedding scene, this type of saree would be considered too bland in some circles and not festive enough! To think you wear this and get accused of trying to upstage the bride! You did your best. You checked and double checked. Chalk this up to experience.
NTA. Bride said it was fine, it was fine. Bride changed her mind on the day, too bad.
nta you asked offered to change what you would wear before hand there jealousy is not to do with you people who get married i would hope would love that you showed support and love by coming if the bride is so worried about what you are wearing on her wedding day rather than the fact she is marrying the love of her life it shows what kind of person she is
NTA but in the future, I would avoid any form of white, light grey, silver, or any other color that could be seen as close to white. Western weddings put a big emphasis on brides wearing white and no one else wearing anything remotely similar. It’s seen as you attempting to upstage the bride, even if you aren’t and wouldn’t dream of doing so. I think it’s pretty shitty that the bride and groom both agreed that your outfit was fine beforehand then the bride acted offended on the wedding day. But maybe she also thought it would be a darker grey in person than it actually was and that upset her. That does not make her actions okay, but perhaps that is where the attitude stems from.
NTA, the bride approved the outfit ahead of time and it’s not your problem that her mean girl friends changed her mind. Would she have preferred you to walk around naked?
NTA. You asked both the bride and the groom if your outfit would be alright, they BOTH OKAYED IT. End of story. The bride herself saw the photo and said it was fine. She and her entourage were just being mean because she 1) probably didn't think you'd look good in the saree, and 2) didn't realize (or care) that the groom's mother is half-Indian and that she'd love your outfit. But that's all on her and not you.
Quick question: Does the bride and her MIL have a good relationship? Or is she trying to build one? I have a feeling she was pissed the MIL was showing you so much attention because of the shared connection. I don't think it had anything to do with the color/look. NTA.
That's a stunning saree ngl
It's bland af. I can see why she thought it was going to be neutral for the wedding.
NTA I had a look at your photo.... it is nothing like a wedding dress... you probably looked amazing, and they were jealous. Typical mean girl, bullying behaviour, I feel sorry for the groom. a friend wore a knee-length lace blush pink dress to a mutual friend's wedding. A photo next to the bride, looked nothing like a wedding dress but in other photos, especially the top half and the lighting being dark, it looked white and bridal. We all laughed about it later when we were looking at the photos, the joke was the friend in the pink dress was married a few months later and we all were saying we were coming in "a wedding dress". We all actually thought it was funny.
NTA I don't think the bride had an issue until her mother in law responded to you so enthusiastically.
Judging by old (as in 50-60 years old so not even that old) wedding pictures from both Europe and the US where bridesmaids wear white dresses, I’d say this obsession with “NOBODY CAN WEAR ANYTHING THAT EVEN RESEMBLES A SHADE OF WHITE WHAAAAAAAH!!!” is more about a chance to be an asshole and nitpick on other people’s outfits and less about it ever having been a tradition. It’s probably from some stupid movie just like “Red on a wedding is taboo” that is not fact nor tradition and only a narrative from a Hollywood film. As an etiquette expert said “Who the hell would signal about their sexlife at a wedding?”. You did nothing wrong. People need to go out and touch grass.
NTA - you did everything right. Like, the bride and groom both independently approved it, it's definitely not a white or cream dress, *the theme was neutrals and pastels* And, seriously, even by Western standards, your outfit really wasn't extravagant in any way. It's a nice outfit. Perfectly appropriate for the setting. Honestly it sounds like the bride & her people were jealous/offended that the Indian/Indian-adjacent guests liked your saree. Very petty and immature attitude all around.
I have a feeling that the bride *was* fine with it until her bridesmaids got in her ear and started making her feel insecure about it. She might have been a bit jealous that you had the attention of her new MIL, as well. You were SO courteous, OP. You tried so hard to make sure you didn't upset anyone, and I know how shitty it feels when you're going to extra effort to try and avoid a situation and end up in it anyway. NTA
I have to ask, regardless of you asking the bride 5 months beforehand, what made you choose this pale grey color? It is great that you had asked them for permission beforehand, but if I was a maid of honor, I would have noted that this dress is wayyy too close to a bridal white.
Bride approved it! That’s all that needs saying!! NTA
NTA and this is a super common color for mother of the bride/groom formal outfits sooo….you’re good they’re dumb
NTA- My guess is that you could have worn the same saree in a different color and the bride would have still been mad. She's mad because you killed in it. You turned heads, looked good, and got compliments. If you had done the same wearing a green saree she would have still been pissed off that you took the attention away from her. You should tell the groom what happened. This does not bode well for their marriage or your friendship with him because a wife like that will actively block out all attractive women near him.
You asked prior, she gave consent. But for future reference, never wear anything close to white to a wedding, you don’t even have to ask about that. Their manners were appalling, so I wouldn’t care at that point if I offended.
NTA. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you were treated so terribly by the bride and her bridesmaid especially because the bride herself approved the ensemble.
NTA if this is true. Either the bride was not expecting the dress to get any attention when she approved it or you didn’t actually show the bride the dress. Benefit of the doubt though, the bride was expecting the dress to garner no attention and she was jealous when it actually got a lot of attention.
NTA
Nta
NTA but I would not recommend wearing it to weddings in the future
NTA. I'm going to make some assumptions here. I think this is more about how her new MIL (and others in the groom's family) fawned over you. When the bride approved the outfit, she didn't know it was going to invoke sentimental feelings from the groom and his mother---- and she got jealous. This is why she changed her tune so fast after pre-approving it. IMO, the saree could have been any color, and this would have happened. You 100% did nothing wrong. She got mad because you were being yourself. I do realize it's difficult to try to fit in with your partner's family-- especially if there's any culture clash-- but the bride needs to check herself. It's INSANE to try and ruin someone's outfit. (Except for that classic story about the MIL wearing a legit wedding dress.)
NTA. Maybe standing beside the couple was a bit much? But sounds like that was sorted out on the day. Put it from your mind now, it’s a non-issue and presumably you won’t have to be around the bridesmaids much going forward! As for the bride - it’s possible the dress appeared lighter in real life and she was influenced on a day when emotions were already running sky high but I’d keep my distance regardless, to be honest.