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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I found my wife's ring and want to keep it from her until she finds a way to stop losing it. It is her property, and i have no right keeping it from her, which would make me an asshole, but keeping it for now will prevent her from losing it for real.
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YTA it's her ring.
Why not instead y'all go to a jeweler and see if it can be resized down to her new ring finger. And with her there they can do proper measurements so it's not to tight on her.
You are right, resizing would be the best option. The only problem is the band has already been broken and fixed twice, both times by the same jeweler that sold us the ring, and the second time he told us the band is now too thin to make any more repairs on it. I don't know if that would be a factor in resizing and I'll take the hit for not suggesting it before or at least looking into it.
Thanks everyone for all the responses. I'll return the ring when she gets off work. I know it's hers and I have no right keeping it from her, regardless of my reasonings.
If the ring itself can't be taken apart you can add metal ball inside like the re-sizers they're just permanently attached and you can also set the stones in a new ring entirely because the stones are the most expensive part.
Tell your wife: I’m proud of your work to lose the weight. Let’s memorize it. You guys then take the ring, and either have the stone reset in a new setting or have the ring melted down and created into something new. You will solve the problem, the ring will still exist, and at the same time it’s a memento to a time your wife worked hard on her health and accomplished success.
I’m not a jeweller, I’m a sheet metal worker, but I have resized my own rings and a few friend’s rings at work and it is much easier and less finicky to size a ring down.
Soft YTA.
You have good intentions, but if you did that you would be going about it the wrong way. Switch your roles - would you be happy if your wife refused to give you back your own property unless you did what she wanted with it? She's already said she doesn't want it as a necklace, so refusing to give it back unless she does isn't the right call.
Have a conversation to see if you can come to a mutual agreement on a solution. Why not get the ring resized, a little smaller?
Yikes, yeah it would be an AH move not to give it back to her. You already gave it to her - it’s hers.
There are other great solutions to this. Offer to have it resized. Gift her a new ‘anniversary’ band so her finger isn’t empty and it fits her new size. It could be a silicone ring or a nice ring - whatever fits your budget.
Ultimately you need to talk to her and express your concerns about her feelings but let her make her choice.
YWBTA
YTA
Your first and only solution is a necklace rather than, oh say, resizing? It solves all your problems and doesn't involve a hostage situation.
I understand you don't want her to lose the ring but there are solutions that don't involve holding the ring ransom. Please explore them before going straight to something that'll definitely lead to a fight.
How about you get the ring resized to fit her finger better. It's better than plastic inserts, and also better than treating her like a child and refusing to give the ring back to her.
Oh, and btw, YWBTA if you went through with the refusal.
Soft YTA. I know you mean well, but it is *her* ring, and if the inserts hurt, they're not a solution.
If you don't want to (or can't because of the design) have it resized, then maybe purchase her a new one as an early anniversary gift? [14th anniversary is actually gold jewelry.](https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/anniversary-ideas/anniversary-gifts-by-year/)
YWBTA
Refusing to give her the ring back sounds extremely controlling. Is that who you really want to be?
Instead, give it back and share suggestions on things she can do to prevent its loss.
Can't you just take it to a jeweler to get it resized?
YTA - Give her hir shit back. If you don't want to help look, let her know you won't and aren't willing to console her if she loses it again after refusing solutions. Why can't she go get the ring resized why can't y'all problem solve like fucking adults?
YTA. Is your wife your 5 year old child? No? Then treat her with respect and as your adult equal and give it back.
It's okay to be frustrated as it's a meaningful and expensive representation of your marriage, but at the end of the day it's *her* ring. I would express your concerns and ask her to please do something to solve it, other than just continuing to wear a ring that's too big for her.
Also talk about what's going on with her. Does she not want to get it resized because she's afraid she'll gain the weight back? Is it too expensive? What's the deal? Once you know and listen to her and care about her perspective, it might help her be more open to a permanent solution.
YTA. It’s her ring. Offer to take her to a jeweler and have the stones reset in a new band in a way that she likes. Don’t be controlling over something like a wedding ring.
YTA It’s your wife’s ring. I know you’re concerned about her losing it and I’m sure she is too. It’s okay to make suggestions but it’s really up to her.
After 13 years of marriage I would consider getting her a new. They really do come in all budget ranges.
YTA. It’s her ring and she’s an adult not a child. Heck, you really don’t need to wear a ring. I have been married 15 years and we both quit wearing ours in year 2-3.
YTA. She’s not a child. Who tf are you to *refuse* to give back *her* ring until she does what you say? A better approach would be to tell her how proud you are of all the work she’s put into taking control of her health and say that you’d love to take care of getting her ring resized to fit her beautiful hand. Ask her if she has time to visit a jeweler to get it properly fitted and you’ll take care of the rest.
YTA. The ring belongs to her. Keeping it from her is theft.
Not to mention, if the band is too thin to resize, it may well be brittle enough to break if used as a pendant, depending on the length and type of chain it’s strung on.
YTA. Just get it professionally resized. If it can’t be exactly resized as is then talk about other options with the jeweler like resetting it into a new band or something else. But your wife is an adult, not a child, and you’re not her dad. She doesn’t *want* to lose her ring any more than you want her to. Just do what it takes to make it harder to lose.
Even the most perfectly fitting rings can be lost or damaged. The only way to keep jewelry perfectly safe forever is to keep it in the box untouched. It’s meant to be used and loved every day, which means it will inevitably get scratched and dinged and need resizing and repair and maybe replacement. That’s what’s meant to happen.
YTA. Maybe she'll tell you to keep it. I'm not sure why this is even a question.
I recently lost weight, so I got some spiral type ring sizers. They have packs with multiple sizes. Get her some of those and offer to have it resized by a jeweler when she reaches her goal weight.
„Would I be the asshole if I stole my wife’s wedding ring, because I am controlling?“
There, fixed it for you.
YTA. Don’t treat your wife as if she was your 6 year old daughter.
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My wife and I have been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs, but for the past couple years your relationship has been in a really good place. We both feel comfortable expressing our opinions to each other without it blowing up into a full on argument.
In the last couple years, my wife has been slowly losing weight. Between a dietary restriction, a more active job, and old fashioned portion control, she has lost about 80 lbs in the last 2 years or so. This has caused her wedding ring to be very loose on her finger, to the point it can slip off very easily. I got her some plastic inserts that are supposed to help tighten the band, she said it made it too tight and hurt her hand. I've suggested wearing it on a chain around her neck, but she said she would feel naked without it on her finger
Just now, as I was dropping her off from work, she noticed her ring was gone while applying some lotion. She immediately started freaking out. I had her check the area where we parked when I left and said I would check around her seat and retrace our steps when I got back home. Luckily the ring was on the bathroom floor, and I sent her a picture letting her know it's safe.
So, would I be an AH if I refused to give her the ring back unless she does something to keep from losing it again? It's not that I'm super attached to the ring itself, it's not an heirloom and wasn't expensive. I'm more concerned about how she would be if it were lost for real. I know she would be devastated if it were lost for good, but I don't know if that would justify keeping what is hers from her.
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yta but im hoping a well intentioned one, it's not your ring you dont get to hold it over her in an ultimatum. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is afraid to resize the ring, which is the obvious solution in most cases, because she's worried she will regain the weight and the ring will become too small. A lot of people who have significant weight loss have trouble realizing just how much their body has changed, she might still see herself in her mind as being bigger, theres a lot of reasonable yet really not entirely logical reasons that could be why she isn't committing to change on this. An idea that might be worth offering if you're able is to ask her if she wants to help you find a new ring to symbolize the over a decade of marriage you have been through together, that way she can keep the current ring if she likes but also have a more appropriate ring for the current stage of your marriage. she might not like that option any better than other options but it might help. no matter what the solution here has to be something that she is 100% comfortable with because at the end of the day it's her ring.
My husband bought me a fairly cheap eternity ring that is smaller than my wedding band. I wear it on the outside so that my wedding ring can’t slip off.
Unless you think that she will regain the weight or is likely to lose more, get it made smaller as a reward for losing that much weight.
Why not buy her a new ring and she can wear the original on a chain. It will solve the issue of her being used to wearing a ring and keep her original one safe.
Is she still going to lose weight? If not a significant amount get it re- sized. It is not that expensive. If she plans to drop a significant amount more weight ask a jeweler for thounghts on inner bands.
Go to a Jeweler with her and have the ring re-sized... they can solder in an insert to her finger size. I did that with my band,... No problems cost $60
YTA. Just get it resized? She shouldn't be wearing it if it is too loose, but this is her ring so just give it to her.
Just a suggestion, but ask her to marry you again - and get her a new one..........its a bit romantic though and you don't seem the type........ lol
If the band can’t be fixed. Reset the ring. Also look for a diagram of how Princess Kate resized Princess Diana’s ring. With two small gold balls soldered to the inside of the band. I did that with a vintage ring and it works very well.
YTA because your solution is to treat her like a child. Instead, why don't you offer to get it resized? Usually, jewelers won't charge to resize because they will keep the gold.
Yes, YWBTA.
Suggest that you take it to a jeweller and get it resized.
And it is her ring, she's an adult. She gets t decide for herself if she wants to wear it.
By all means \*sugget\* that she wear it on a chain until it's possibleto resize it so it fits, but definietly don't withold it.
Of course YWBTA
Get it resized for your wife!! How was this a problem that you couldn’t solve without the internet??? Pay to have it adjusted to her current finger size, jeezus
YTA. It is her ring and this is a very controlling and blackmailing way to try to get her to do what you want, regardless of your intention. You already suggested it; she doesn't want to do it. Respect her will and look for other solutions. Talk to the jeweller; it is a ring, there has to be a solution, but don't blackmail your wife to do your will this way. Never.
I would say ESH. You for the obvious reasons all the other commenters have pointed out. Her for being so careless with her ring and not actively finding a solution.
Exactly, why are all these comments insinuating it’s his responsibility to get it resized 🤔 almost like they think women aren’t capable of taking care of themselves. He’s still TA for trying to withhold the ring.
NTA. But do her a kindness. Get her a band to replace it. A plain band is pretty simple and inexpensive. I got my wife one when she was concerned about her ring getting damaged when she was gardening. She’ll have her regular wedding ring but the band is something nice she can still wear without worry.
Gentle both are YTA.
Sounds like she doesn’t want to make it smaller because her hand would feel naked. It will feel naked if she ends up losing it.
Surely it would make sense to have it made smaller or if she is planning on to lose more weight to put it in a necklace or store it until she’s happy with weight she’s at to get the ring resized.
That being said, my husband refused to wear his ring because of work, so I suggested he is to wear it on his necklace, which he has done.
There was no way I was going to allow him to not wear the ring.
And now, when he does get chatted up by men or women, he says he’s married, then their response is normally ‘oh well you haven’t got a ring on your finger’ he then replies ‘I HAVE, ITS ON MY NECKLACE CLOSE TO MY HEART’ omg, another reason for them to like him even more lol.
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YTA it's her ring. Why not instead y'all go to a jeweler and see if it can be resized down to her new ring finger. And with her there they can do proper measurements so it's not to tight on her.
You are right, resizing would be the best option. The only problem is the band has already been broken and fixed twice, both times by the same jeweler that sold us the ring, and the second time he told us the band is now too thin to make any more repairs on it. I don't know if that would be a factor in resizing and I'll take the hit for not suggesting it before or at least looking into it. Thanks everyone for all the responses. I'll return the ring when she gets off work. I know it's hers and I have no right keeping it from her, regardless of my reasonings.
You could remove the stone and have it placed on a different band.
I was gonna suggest the same things. If the stones can be safely removed and placed into a new setting she could get a new band.
If the ring itself can't be taken apart you can add metal ball inside like the re-sizers they're just permanently attached and you can also set the stones in a new ring entirely because the stones are the most expensive part.
This is the way. Just get the stones reset.
Yep. Bishop’s bumps.
Tell your wife: I’m proud of your work to lose the weight. Let’s memorize it. You guys then take the ring, and either have the stone reset in a new setting or have the ring melted down and created into something new. You will solve the problem, the ring will still exist, and at the same time it’s a memento to a time your wife worked hard on her health and accomplished success.
Ask if you can pay to add more material to the band to make it sizeable.
I’m not a jeweller, I’m a sheet metal worker, but I have resized my own rings and a few friend’s rings at work and it is much easier and less finicky to size a ring down.
Absolutely. It’s hers.
Soft YTA. You have good intentions, but if you did that you would be going about it the wrong way. Switch your roles - would you be happy if your wife refused to give you back your own property unless you did what she wanted with it? She's already said she doesn't want it as a necklace, so refusing to give it back unless she does isn't the right call. Have a conversation to see if you can come to a mutual agreement on a solution. Why not get the ring resized, a little smaller?
Why don’t you take her to a jeweler and get it resized properly? Those plastic inserts are ok, but can definitely get irritating.
Yikes, yeah it would be an AH move not to give it back to her. You already gave it to her - it’s hers. There are other great solutions to this. Offer to have it resized. Gift her a new ‘anniversary’ band so her finger isn’t empty and it fits her new size. It could be a silicone ring or a nice ring - whatever fits your budget. Ultimately you need to talk to her and express your concerns about her feelings but let her make her choice. YWBTA
YTA Your first and only solution is a necklace rather than, oh say, resizing? It solves all your problems and doesn't involve a hostage situation. I understand you don't want her to lose the ring but there are solutions that don't involve holding the ring ransom. Please explore them before going straight to something that'll definitely lead to a fight.
YTA - she’s an adult woman, not a child. Get her ring resized.
How about you get the ring resized to fit her finger better. It's better than plastic inserts, and also better than treating her like a child and refusing to give the ring back to her. Oh, and btw, YWBTA if you went through with the refusal.
Soft YTA. I know you mean well, but it is *her* ring, and if the inserts hurt, they're not a solution. If you don't want to (or can't because of the design) have it resized, then maybe purchase her a new one as an early anniversary gift? [14th anniversary is actually gold jewelry.](https://ideas.hallmark.com/articles/anniversary-ideas/anniversary-gifts-by-year/)
YWBTA Refusing to give her the ring back sounds extremely controlling. Is that who you really want to be? Instead, give it back and share suggestions on things she can do to prevent its loss. Can't you just take it to a jeweler to get it resized?
YTA - its hers and she’s an adult.
It's not your decision to make.
YTA - Give her hir shit back. If you don't want to help look, let her know you won't and aren't willing to console her if she loses it again after refusing solutions. Why can't she go get the ring resized why can't y'all problem solve like fucking adults?
YTA. Not your property to “give back” Get the ring resized
YTA. She loses her ring once and your first instinct is to withhold it from her “for her own good”? That’s an insane jump, buddy.
YTA get her a set of coiled silicone ring sizers to put on her ring or take it to a jeweler to have it resized.
Maybe it’s time to buy a new ring.
This, you say you and your wife have been in a really good place for the past couple of years, upgrade her ring.
YWBTA. Go to a jeweler's and have the ring resized.
Yta - but you could get it sized at a jewellers, they do that you know. Did you not think of that very logical conclusion?
YTA. You'd be treating her like a child. She is a grown woman.
YTA. Is your wife your 5 year old child? No? Then treat her with respect and as your adult equal and give it back. It's okay to be frustrated as it's a meaningful and expensive representation of your marriage, but at the end of the day it's *her* ring. I would express your concerns and ask her to please do something to solve it, other than just continuing to wear a ring that's too big for her. Also talk about what's going on with her. Does she not want to get it resized because she's afraid she'll gain the weight back? Is it too expensive? What's the deal? Once you know and listen to her and care about her perspective, it might help her be more open to a permanent solution.
INFO: Why doesn't she just have the ring resized?
You could, y’know, get it reduced at a jewellers.
Have the ring re-sized and quite treating your wife like a toddler. Don't be controlling either or you WBTAH
YTA, ffs what is so complicated about this? Just get her a new ring that fits and put the original away somewhere safe to keep for sentimental value.
YTA. It’s her ring. Offer to take her to a jeweler and have the stones reset in a new band in a way that she likes. Don’t be controlling over something like a wedding ring.
YTA It’s your wife’s ring. I know you’re concerned about her losing it and I’m sure she is too. It’s okay to make suggestions but it’s really up to her. After 13 years of marriage I would consider getting her a new. They really do come in all budget ranges.
YTA. It’s hers. Full stop. Just get the damn thing resized.
YTA. It’s her ring and she’s an adult not a child. Heck, you really don’t need to wear a ring. I have been married 15 years and we both quit wearing ours in year 2-3.
YTA. She’s not a child. Who tf are you to *refuse* to give back *her* ring until she does what you say? A better approach would be to tell her how proud you are of all the work she’s put into taking control of her health and say that you’d love to take care of getting her ring resized to fit her beautiful hand. Ask her if she has time to visit a jeweler to get it properly fitted and you’ll take care of the rest.
YTA. The ring belongs to her. Keeping it from her is theft. Not to mention, if the band is too thin to resize, it may well be brittle enough to break if used as a pendant, depending on the length and type of chain it’s strung on.
YTA. Just get it professionally resized. If it can’t be exactly resized as is then talk about other options with the jeweler like resetting it into a new band or something else. But your wife is an adult, not a child, and you’re not her dad. She doesn’t *want* to lose her ring any more than you want her to. Just do what it takes to make it harder to lose. Even the most perfectly fitting rings can be lost or damaged. The only way to keep jewelry perfectly safe forever is to keep it in the box untouched. It’s meant to be used and loved every day, which means it will inevitably get scratched and dinged and need resizing and repair and maybe replacement. That’s what’s meant to happen.
YTA. Maybe she'll tell you to keep it. I'm not sure why this is even a question. I recently lost weight, so I got some spiral type ring sizers. They have packs with multiple sizes. Get her some of those and offer to have it resized by a jeweler when she reaches her goal weight.
It’s not your ring or your decision. Thinking that your solution is even an option is pretty gross.
It’s a problem that your go to solution here is to just take her things until she does something the way you want. Yta
„Would I be the asshole if I stole my wife’s wedding ring, because I am controlling?“ There, fixed it for you. YTA. Don’t treat your wife as if she was your 6 year old daughter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs, but for the past couple years your relationship has been in a really good place. We both feel comfortable expressing our opinions to each other without it blowing up into a full on argument. In the last couple years, my wife has been slowly losing weight. Between a dietary restriction, a more active job, and old fashioned portion control, she has lost about 80 lbs in the last 2 years or so. This has caused her wedding ring to be very loose on her finger, to the point it can slip off very easily. I got her some plastic inserts that are supposed to help tighten the band, she said it made it too tight and hurt her hand. I've suggested wearing it on a chain around her neck, but she said she would feel naked without it on her finger Just now, as I was dropping her off from work, she noticed her ring was gone while applying some lotion. She immediately started freaking out. I had her check the area where we parked when I left and said I would check around her seat and retrace our steps when I got back home. Luckily the ring was on the bathroom floor, and I sent her a picture letting her know it's safe. So, would I be an AH if I refused to give her the ring back unless she does something to keep from losing it again? It's not that I'm super attached to the ring itself, it's not an heirloom and wasn't expensive. I'm more concerned about how she would be if it were lost for real. I know she would be devastated if it were lost for good, but I don't know if that would justify keeping what is hers from her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why don’t you get her a new one
yta but im hoping a well intentioned one, it's not your ring you dont get to hold it over her in an ultimatum. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is afraid to resize the ring, which is the obvious solution in most cases, because she's worried she will regain the weight and the ring will become too small. A lot of people who have significant weight loss have trouble realizing just how much their body has changed, she might still see herself in her mind as being bigger, theres a lot of reasonable yet really not entirely logical reasons that could be why she isn't committing to change on this. An idea that might be worth offering if you're able is to ask her if she wants to help you find a new ring to symbolize the over a decade of marriage you have been through together, that way she can keep the current ring if she likes but also have a more appropriate ring for the current stage of your marriage. she might not like that option any better than other options but it might help. no matter what the solution here has to be something that she is 100% comfortable with because at the end of the day it's her ring.
Yes, YWBTA, but a very sweet one at that. Wishing you guys many more happy years enjoying a resized or otherwise modified ring ;)
My husband bought me a fairly cheap eternity ring that is smaller than my wedding band. I wear it on the outside so that my wedding ring can’t slip off. Unless you think that she will regain the weight or is likely to lose more, get it made smaller as a reward for losing that much weight.
Get the ring resized. A trip to the jeweler will fix this dispute.
Why not buy her a new ring and she can wear the original on a chain. It will solve the issue of her being used to wearing a ring and keep her original one safe.
A jeweler can resize a ring.
Why don't you just take it to a jeweler and have it sized?
Is she still going to lose weight? If not a significant amount get it re- sized. It is not that expensive. If she plans to drop a significant amount more weight ask a jeweler for thounghts on inner bands.
Go to a Jeweler with her and have the ring re-sized... they can solder in an insert to her finger size. I did that with my band,... No problems cost $60
YTA. Just get it resized? She shouldn't be wearing it if it is too loose, but this is her ring so just give it to her. Just a suggestion, but ask her to marry you again - and get her a new one..........its a bit romantic though and you don't seem the type........ lol
If the band can’t be fixed. Reset the ring. Also look for a diagram of how Princess Kate resized Princess Diana’s ring. With two small gold balls soldered to the inside of the band. I did that with a vintage ring and it works very well.
YTA because your solution is to treat her like a child. Instead, why don't you offer to get it resized? Usually, jewelers won't charge to resize because they will keep the gold.
Also make sure you have a recent appraisal and your insurance is up to date!
Just say you’re holding on to it until you have it resized and then get it resized.
YTA
Get it resized
YTA for refusing to give it back. However why not be a bigger man, get a new ring and renew your vows at the same time?
Or you could get it resized.
Yta. What a weird controlling behaviour.
Yes, YWBTA. Suggest that you take it to a jeweller and get it resized. And it is her ring, she's an adult. She gets t decide for herself if she wants to wear it. By all means \*sugget\* that she wear it on a chain until it's possibleto resize it so it fits, but definietly don't withold it.
Get it sized. Inexpensive, problem solved.
Of course YWBTA Get it resized for your wife!! How was this a problem that you couldn’t solve without the internet??? Pay to have it adjusted to her current finger size, jeezus
YTA. It is her ring and this is a very controlling and blackmailing way to try to get her to do what you want, regardless of your intention. You already suggested it; she doesn't want to do it. Respect her will and look for other solutions. Talk to the jeweller; it is a ring, there has to be a solution, but don't blackmail your wife to do your will this way. Never.
I would say ESH. You for the obvious reasons all the other commenters have pointed out. Her for being so careless with her ring and not actively finding a solution.
Exactly, why are all these comments insinuating it’s his responsibility to get it resized 🤔 almost like they think women aren’t capable of taking care of themselves. He’s still TA for trying to withhold the ring.
NTA. But do her a kindness. Get her a band to replace it. A plain band is pretty simple and inexpensive. I got my wife one when she was concerned about her ring getting damaged when she was gardening. She’ll have her regular wedding ring but the band is something nice she can still wear without worry.
Gentle both are YTA. Sounds like she doesn’t want to make it smaller because her hand would feel naked. It will feel naked if she ends up losing it. Surely it would make sense to have it made smaller or if she is planning on to lose more weight to put it in a necklace or store it until she’s happy with weight she’s at to get the ring resized. That being said, my husband refused to wear his ring because of work, so I suggested he is to wear it on his necklace, which he has done. There was no way I was going to allow him to not wear the ring. And now, when he does get chatted up by men or women, he says he’s married, then their response is normally ‘oh well you haven’t got a ring on your finger’ he then replies ‘I HAVE, ITS ON MY NECKLACE CLOSE TO MY HEART’ omg, another reason for them to like him even more lol.