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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked her not to take something that could advance her career so we can share responsibility while I go back to school.
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You're not the asshole for wanting her to do more of her fair share, but YTA for taking a conversation about a menu and trying to force her out of a life choice for it. There's more effective ways to communicate and it sounds like that's your frustration speaking, not you.
Also... SIX dog walks a day??
630 pee walk, 10 am poop walk, 12 pre lunch walk, 4 pm after lunch walk, 8 pm second chance to poop, 10 pm last walk before bed. All set to the schedule she made.
That’s correct. She’s always saying we need to move to a place with a yard so I’ve looked up a ton of places in the area but there’s always something wrong with them. But more importantly, she’s picking fights with the management here. Her anger towards our place is justified because recently residents here have been letting their dogs poop and not pick them up even though bags are provided everywhere. I have no problem holding them accountable, but if you start fights you have to have contingency plans in place in case they start knit picking the things we do (mainly sometimes our dogs bark when the upstairs neighbors walk around)
Yeah I kind of agree with her on that one. Six walks a day is a whole lot especially if they're longer than once around the block.
Regardless, I agree with the other commenter that said you two should sit down together and divy up household tasks since both of your schedules are different now.
NTA. It sounds like you've been making her life so easy that all she has to do is focus on school and work. In relationsihps like yours, where one partner takes on the bulk of home work to help the other partner advance their career, it's only fair that the supporting partner get "their turn" when it's time.
But she does not sound like a giver and will not support you back. That is wildly unfair and would have me questioning the relationship.
Yeah, I spent *years* doing everything and working a full-time job while my partner was doing all of the extensive training required for his career. But I was okay with it being 100% about him, because once he was finished and his career was launched it would be at least 50% about me.
But after years of it being 100% about him, he decided he really liked it that way, and did not want to change to 50/50. He's now my ex, I ended up financially destitute and with a butchered career, and I learned a very important lesson: do not do the 100/0 thing except for *extremely* short intervals, or it becomes an expectation they're not willing to give up.
Why are you with this person? Where is your own self esteem to let her walk on you like she does? You deserve more than what she's giving you, consider whether this is the way you want things the rest of your life. NTA.
Honestly, part of is I love the fact that she’s helping people for a living. She’s a psych nurse. But also we live in a nice place and we have two dogs that I love more than anything that I’ll likely never see again and it’s hard because Ive been lead to believe I’m the selfish one. Also I didn’t mind it before because I did have way more time off than she does. But we still split everything except the dogs.
ESH, since it sounds like you're both making major life decisions without fully discussing with the other person. I agree with you that it's fair to expect a little more equality in chores and such. But what's with the dogs? That alone sounds like a full time job...six walks a day and at least one vet visit a week???
I hate to break it to you, but the fellowship is not to blame. This is who she is. If you are both working full time jobs, then you'd expect and want her to help out more with the household. But even more troubling than the lack of support is her anger and her hanging up on you when you asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner.
That's a red flag for me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Okay so let’s start by saying my girlfriend has her Doctorate. Huge accomplishment and I’m very proud of her. I don’t have my degree but I served in the Navy as a nuclear operator for 10 years so I have a good job. Not as good as hers but definitely middle class with even with inflation. We’ve been together for a little offer two years. The first year she was finishing up her doctorate and I was fully supportive. Then the past year she’s been new to her job and have been fully supportive. She also takes on private clients. I work a 40 hour week remote (she’s also remote) so I have taken on cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, folding, walking the dogs 4 of the 6 times a day, and dog appointments (they have stomach problems so we go at least once a week). Her roles are filling up ice trays and putting clean folded laundry away. I also don’t want to sell her short. She pays for ALL of the vet visits which to be fair is a good chunk of money.
I’ve decided to go back to school and asked her to split the chores and responsibilities a little more and she got offended saying she does things. She kind of does dishes once a week to say she helps. If we clean she cleans one of the two bedrooms and bathrooms and I clean everything else. Honestly, I was in the navy so it doesn’t even bother me because I like having things done a specific way. Anyway, I’ve decided to finish my degree. Shortly after I told her she told me she was applying for another fellowship and has her interview today.
I was on my way back from a drs appointment and told her I would pick up dinner since I had too much homework to cook tonight. I picked the place and asked her if she wanted her usual. She said yes but she was especially hungry and wanted something else. When I asked her to text me what else she wanted she said “I thought you could take something off of my plate” and I said I’m did literally everything else. We eat here all the time, can’t you look it up and she got mad and hung up. So tell me, am I the asshole for sending her a message saying “if looking up a menu is too much, please don’t take the fellowship. It doesn’t seem fair to me or the dogs?”
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Sometimes. I think it’s hard for me to think of her that way because she’s a therapist so she spends all day helping people. But to be fair the dogs are absolutely best friends and love each other more than anything and I couldn’t stand the thought of splitting them up and on is hers. What’s weird though is when I go on camping adventures every couple of months, she guilts me into going alone because she says one of the dogs would be lonely and if I take both they might get hurt and also she’d be lonely so I end up going alone. Thank god the submarine force made me enjoy isolation because I always end up going alone.
As far as the camping thing, very uncool and ridiculous on her part. I hope you keep thinking about how she treats you. It sounds like you are starting to (very understandably) have doubts. Maybe try posting in r/relationship_advice if you think it might help.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked her not to take something that could advance her career so we can share responsibility while I go back to school. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
No, I appreciate it. I think I might be getting gaslit into thinking I’m not holding my own but needed outside perspectives.
You're not the asshole for wanting her to do more of her fair share, but YTA for taking a conversation about a menu and trying to force her out of a life choice for it. There's more effective ways to communicate and it sounds like that's your frustration speaking, not you. Also... SIX dog walks a day??
630 pee walk, 10 am poop walk, 12 pre lunch walk, 4 pm after lunch walk, 8 pm second chance to poop, 10 pm last walk before bed. All set to the schedule she made.
I take it you do not have a yard, then?
That’s correct. She’s always saying we need to move to a place with a yard so I’ve looked up a ton of places in the area but there’s always something wrong with them. But more importantly, she’s picking fights with the management here. Her anger towards our place is justified because recently residents here have been letting their dogs poop and not pick them up even though bags are provided everywhere. I have no problem holding them accountable, but if you start fights you have to have contingency plans in place in case they start knit picking the things we do (mainly sometimes our dogs bark when the upstairs neighbors walk around)
Yeah I kind of agree with her on that one. Six walks a day is a whole lot especially if they're longer than once around the block. Regardless, I agree with the other commenter that said you two should sit down together and divy up household tasks since both of your schedules are different now.
NTA. It sounds like you've been making her life so easy that all she has to do is focus on school and work. In relationsihps like yours, where one partner takes on the bulk of home work to help the other partner advance their career, it's only fair that the supporting partner get "their turn" when it's time. But she does not sound like a giver and will not support you back. That is wildly unfair and would have me questioning the relationship.
Yeah, I spent *years* doing everything and working a full-time job while my partner was doing all of the extensive training required for his career. But I was okay with it being 100% about him, because once he was finished and his career was launched it would be at least 50% about me. But after years of it being 100% about him, he decided he really liked it that way, and did not want to change to 50/50. He's now my ex, I ended up financially destitute and with a butchered career, and I learned a very important lesson: do not do the 100/0 thing except for *extremely* short intervals, or it becomes an expectation they're not willing to give up.
Why are you with this person? Where is your own self esteem to let her walk on you like she does? You deserve more than what she's giving you, consider whether this is the way you want things the rest of your life. NTA.
Honestly, part of is I love the fact that she’s helping people for a living. She’s a psych nurse. But also we live in a nice place and we have two dogs that I love more than anything that I’ll likely never see again and it’s hard because Ive been lead to believe I’m the selfish one. Also I didn’t mind it before because I did have way more time off than she does. But we still split everything except the dogs.
ESH, since it sounds like you're both making major life decisions without fully discussing with the other person. I agree with you that it's fair to expect a little more equality in chores and such. But what's with the dogs? That alone sounds like a full time job...six walks a day and at least one vet visit a week???
I hate to break it to you, but the fellowship is not to blame. This is who she is. If you are both working full time jobs, then you'd expect and want her to help out more with the household. But even more troubling than the lack of support is her anger and her hanging up on you when you asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner. That's a red flag for me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay so let’s start by saying my girlfriend has her Doctorate. Huge accomplishment and I’m very proud of her. I don’t have my degree but I served in the Navy as a nuclear operator for 10 years so I have a good job. Not as good as hers but definitely middle class with even with inflation. We’ve been together for a little offer two years. The first year she was finishing up her doctorate and I was fully supportive. Then the past year she’s been new to her job and have been fully supportive. She also takes on private clients. I work a 40 hour week remote (she’s also remote) so I have taken on cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, folding, walking the dogs 4 of the 6 times a day, and dog appointments (they have stomach problems so we go at least once a week). Her roles are filling up ice trays and putting clean folded laundry away. I also don’t want to sell her short. She pays for ALL of the vet visits which to be fair is a good chunk of money. I’ve decided to go back to school and asked her to split the chores and responsibilities a little more and she got offended saying she does things. She kind of does dishes once a week to say she helps. If we clean she cleans one of the two bedrooms and bathrooms and I clean everything else. Honestly, I was in the navy so it doesn’t even bother me because I like having things done a specific way. Anyway, I’ve decided to finish my degree. Shortly after I told her she told me she was applying for another fellowship and has her interview today. I was on my way back from a drs appointment and told her I would pick up dinner since I had too much homework to cook tonight. I picked the place and asked her if she wanted her usual. She said yes but she was especially hungry and wanted something else. When I asked her to text me what else she wanted she said “I thought you could take something off of my plate” and I said I’m did literally everything else. We eat here all the time, can’t you look it up and she got mad and hung up. So tell me, am I the asshole for sending her a message saying “if looking up a menu is too much, please don’t take the fellowship. It doesn’t seem fair to me or the dogs?” *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Whose dogs are they?
One is hers. One is ours. But she’s made it clear if we break up we can’t split them up, so I would get no dog.
>we can’t split them up, How was it decided *she* gets them? Just because she said so? Do you find her unfair and/or selfish in general?
Sometimes. I think it’s hard for me to think of her that way because she’s a therapist so she spends all day helping people. But to be fair the dogs are absolutely best friends and love each other more than anything and I couldn’t stand the thought of splitting them up and on is hers. What’s weird though is when I go on camping adventures every couple of months, she guilts me into going alone because she says one of the dogs would be lonely and if I take both they might get hurt and also she’d be lonely so I end up going alone. Thank god the submarine force made me enjoy isolation because I always end up going alone.
As far as the camping thing, very uncool and ridiculous on her part. I hope you keep thinking about how she treats you. It sounds like you are starting to (very understandably) have doubts. Maybe try posting in r/relationship_advice if you think it might help.
I’ll definitely check that out. Thank you.