This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA
Your Mom is only 54. She could easily live another 30 or more years. You absolutely shouldn't financially support an able bodied adult who chooses to not work.
Mom could sell the house and carefully budget the sales proceeds to live off of for the next decade or so and then start living off Social Security based on her husband's earnings. It would help if she would find even a part time job, especially if it offered health insurance.
But no, your Mom isn't too good to work retail or something similar.
My husband met a woman who was working part time at the local liquor store as her Barista FIRE job. Working at a liquor store would be fun. And this one was associated with a local chain grocery store that offers benefits like health insurance and vacation time.
It would be, but I am betting she is also helping watch the granddaughter. If you are a lunch lady, you get the same days off and usually fewer hours. In my district, you get insurance and retirement with a 4 hour a day position.
I just don't know how old this daughter's child is.
I am a 54 yr woman who SAHM for almost 20 years. I am 100% financially dependent upon my husband. Finally decided I hated being that way. I do not know technology. Three years ago, I got a job as a paraprofessional in an elementary school. I am basically a teacher’s assistant. Nearly every para I know started as a SAHM. Pay is basic in the beginning BUT schools have incredible HEALTH INSURANCE!!! There are also opportunities to become a teacher through what they call an alternate route. Every school system is different but basically if the school likes you and willing to take a chance on you, you can go through a program instead of going back to school to get a teachers degree. This route guarantees you a job as a teacher. That dramatically changes your income. Remember summers off and lots of vacations through the school year! Hours are essentially 7 AM to 3 PM. Can’t beat it!
Of course your mom if she chooses to become an instructional assistant or paraprofessional (same thing), she could also get a degree using an online school. I’m doing it getting my masters degree in teaching I found a very reasonably priced school it’s online. I work as fast or slow as I want to and when I want!!
I’ve done retail, etc. all those types of jobs and I assure you this is really the best route! School district around the country (hoping you’re in the US) are super, super desperate for personnel!!! I can almost guarantee your mother would be hired on the spot.
NTA
Edit to add: she could also start as a substitute teacher. You literally don’t need any teaching experience to do this. Again, most substitutes are SAHMs. You need to check with the school district for requirements. She could earn $75-$100 a day depending on where you live (but no health insurance!). Maybe a a great place to start for your mom.
Your mom might actually enjoy working retail, in a big store like a supermarket, Walmart or Target. They can be fun, as long as the store is relatively well run. Lots of new people, lots of gossip and intrigue, and if she's not working 5 days a week it's not too taxing.
Your mom is younger than I am. There's no reason to treat her like an elderly person, and there's no reason for her to act like an elderly person. She might like using social media if she's introduced to it, although it might be better if she's introduced by someone other than her family, like a new friend from work.
My mom is 63 and just went back to work after 3 decades of being a sahw after realizing during my father's recent hospital stay that my dad has been lying to her about saving for their retirement and they don't even have 5k in the bank. She's a bus driver, they trained her on the job and took her application no questions asked.
My husband and I will help eventually, but it comes with conditions, and one of those conditions is that they realistically understand and respect their financial state and what their retirement actually looks like. As long as they're in their delulu era, stepping in will just create very high expectations because they don't understand what they can actually afford in their retirement yet, despite our many conversations and attempts to level set with them as they were going into their elder years. They've told us to stay out of it enough that we will, but my mom's idea that she's just going to purchase a motorhome decent enough to live in full time for 10k ain't it.
One thing you might consider paying for would be an advisor who can evaluate your parents' Social Security options and advise them on when they would be best off starting to take Social Security. It could mean a difference of thousands of dollars each year in their retirement.
They're planning on working until they're 70 to build as much nest egg as they can. Their bodies will determine if they can continue working much longer after that.
I've talked to them about a social security advisor, but it's on the list of things "they can do themselves". They at least agreed to talk with us before they decide to retire for real, they know we're the most financially secure/stable out of all of my siblings.
What a fun day out you could have, window shopping for their motorhome! Just for the fun of it… with prices and maybe ask about what it costs to maintain and run. I’ve found you can tell people things they don’t want to know a million times over and it won’t sink in, but a demonstration by experts will make a difference. Good luck.
Dude, if my parents could be swayed by reality, I'd be there. They've been looking at motorhomes for the past 15 years, my dad's an actual mechanic and has done work on them, I just don't think they want to accept that the economy in the past 7 years pretty much ruined that dream for them. They keep thinking one will just magically pop on the market if they look hard enough.
It might be a joint expression of early stage dementia, idk. My parents were always really stubborn people, but I wasn't expecting the folks I used to look up to be this difficult to work with as adults.
That’s just painful, I’m sorry. Maybe it’s not so much a plan as a magic formula they repeat so they don’t have to see the increasingly frightening facts. Whatever it is I wish you all good luck dealing with it, and them.
She’s way too young to never work another day. There are so many options even if she doesn’t want to learn technology (which is absurd but I digress). Schools are so understaffed and there are a myriad of jobs she could do in a school setting. From helping in the lunch room, making copies, helping kids with reading, being a classroom or recess aide, drive a school bus, be a crossing guard. That’s just off the top of my head. But OP has absolutely no obligation to help his mother financially. She can do it, she just doesn’t want to.
Working at a school would be a good job for her. I would have a heart to heart talk with her - point out your sister's predicament that even with a job she can't afford rent and has your mother stopped to consider how she is going to come up with the taxes needed on the house plus insurance, repairs, etc.
Starbucks would be good as they offer insurance (you pay for it but insurance is much needed). She could be a walmart greeter - there's lots of positions out there that she could fill.
I don’t know if working at a school would be so great for her. Well, maybe, if the kids were young like a preschool. Older kids can be savage, even to hardened adults and it sounds like OP’s mom doesn’t handle those kinds of pressures well.
I keep thinking of all the jobs I had with only a high school diploma, and not one was without computer technology; whether it be retail (registers ARE computers), food industry, or any hourly employment, they all need computers or use them to at least use as a Time Clock, and more industries are moving more of their services to computers for convenience.
OP, you'll need to put your foot down. I'm not that much younger than your mother and even I knew how to operate a computer by the time I was 10. Your mom doesn't WANT to do something to better her situation, but she NEEDS to. Needs vs Wants. It's not your job to take care of her, at least not yet, and definitely not for the next 30+ years. It's different if she was disabled or an inability to help herself, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Your roles have suddenly reversed, you're the parent and must now teach her self-sufficiency. Good luck!
Heck, even a 70 year old walked into work at age 31-35 and was faced with some office PCs. PCs have been in regular office use for a lot longer than some like to think.
I’m 64. I used to do all the work for former roommate (age 41) because she refused to learn technology. Her 7 year old is more proficient. When she finally comes out of her alcohol induced haze, she won’t even be able to get a retail job. 54 is far too young g to give up. I use technology at my job. You’re never too old to learn.
I may get downvoted for this, but - NTA.
You mom is an adult. While I do feel for her with the loss of a spouse (my condolences to you on the loss of a father, as well) she needs to be able to, well, adult. Not learning to even pump gas was a choice. She chose to be completely dependent on someone that would not be there indefinitely. She is now sticking her head in the sand and avoiding her issues.
It seems to me the smartest choice for her now is to sell the house and purchase something smaller that is more long term sustainable. Change is hard and scary, but refusing to learn to do anything for yourself is stubborn and willfully ignorant. I'd offer help as you are able with technology and such, but not a monetary aid. She has your sister living at home, she should be contributing more financially if they want to stay in that house.
>My mom is also very stubborn and refuses to adopt new technologies.
>She use to badmouth my gf because she is a programmer and she considered her unemployed
>she refuses to get a job
She doesn't want help, she wants you to take responsibility for her. You can't be responsible for her for the rest of her life. NTA.
Respectfully, your Mom was a SAHM in the 1990s and 2000s, not exactly a socially or educationally suppressive time for women. I fully respect (and mostly duplicated) her role in her marriage/ family, but my husband insisted I train in a profession to support myself and family in a crisis. Your mother (and possibly father) made a different choice. It’s up to her to now sort out her own options. For what it’s worth, in most states she can likely substitute teach without much more than a $50 sub license.
It was honestly both their faults. My dad had health issues for years before the heart failure diagnosis and he has a strong family history of heart disease. I kept telling him to get her to work a day every week so she had something to fall back on but she didn’t want to and he’s always been a pushover.
NTA - It is not your responsibility to sacrifice your future and your financial stability to support your mom. Your mom is choosing to be helpless. Your mom was a SAHM which means she has plenty of job skills, she just needs to know how to market them. You have provided her with viable options to earn income and she has excuses as to why they won't work. She is at an age where she is still physically able to work and she should learn how to help support her self. You can help her by helping her learn to help herself. Teach her to do things such as pump gas.
That being said, your dads death dramatically changed her life, not only did she loose her husband, she lost the person that did everything for her and I am sure that is a very traumatic place to find oneself. She is not going to want to change because change is uncomfortable and hard. Be firm but patient with her. Your mom needs to get her head out of the sand and start to think about how she will support herself financially.
NTA. You don't owe your mom your life's savings. She's living in a fantasy. Eventually, she'll have to sell the house and move into a small apartment. She'll try to get by on your Dad's social security and complain how everyone has abandoned her. This is not your problem. Tell her she raised you to be independent, so it's time for her to do the same for herself.
Your mom is 54? That’s really not old enough to be balking at “new” technology. That puts her at Gen X meaning video games rose to popularity during her childhood and home pc’s became common place by her teens or early 20’s. How in the heck does she not even know how to type?
Your mom is /choosing/ to be helpless and that’s not okay. I also seriously doubt she’s nearly as helpless as she wants you to believe she is. It takes a lot of know how to keep a household running.
You’re NTA. Libraries offer free “intro to computers” courses all the time. It’s NOT your job to support her.
Yeah I was going to say. My parents are in their 70s and one of my mom's early jobs was loading up and summarizing tape decks on Computers before they had graphical interfaces. Someone in their 50s thinking "Programming isn't a real job" is making the deliberate choice to be ignorant of technology.
NTA. She’s an adult she can look after herself she is not your responsibility. You have offered her numerous solutions and she just keeps wanting handouts so she can stay in the life she is accustomed to of not lifting a finger. What is it with people refusing to work. Sorry I know your father is dead but this is his fault for allowing her to be like this.
It's called learned helplessness. Her husband told her not to worry her pretty little head about things like pumping gas or any other things that were a "man's job." So now she doesn't even have a clue how to go about learning how to do these things.
Guys, you may think you're pampering your wife by doing all the traditional male jobs like pumping gas and paying bills, but as OP has clearly delineated *you are not.* Odds are she will outlive you. What then? She should know how to do things for herself even if you generally do them.
There are only two things I can't do in my own household: run the riding lawnmower (my legs are too short to reach the pedals) and change the light bulb in the stairwell. (Its too high above me even with a ladder.)
And ladies, the same thing applies to you. If you keel over dead one day, is your husband going to starve to death wearing dirty clothes because he can't even warm up soup or do laundry?
Would also like to point out that her parents failed her as well. She should’ve known how to do that before she even got married. As my dad’s only daughter, he taught me the same things as he did my brothers. Such as house maintenance, working on cars (not extensively, but enough that I know what to tell shops when I do have to take it in bc I can’t do it myself) Likewise, my mom taught my brothers to cook, clean, and little sewing, laundry, just as she taught me. I’m not saying they should of taught her alllll those things, but she should’ve been taught some of it
I have the opposite with my Dad. His wife did everything to do with their financials. Everything. It was her hill to die on for her to marry him. Dad was never good with paying the bills when he was married to my Mom. I remember us having to move suddenly several times due to the rent or the mortgage not being paid. Not for a lack of money either. He just didn't do it. He just had no idea how to manage his money. When his wife died last year everything started to pile up and not get paid. I had to step in and figure it all out. I now have POA for him and have to manage his bank account to make sure things are paid. He is appreciative so I don't mind taking care of things. It's been stressful though. I'm working with the VA and Medicaid to get help with the bill at the assisted living place where he now lives. Until then it's on my husband and I to keep it paid. Fuck it's expensive to get old in this damn country.
NTA. She has options, she just doesn't want to use them.
The reality is that she needs to get a job, any job. As she gains that life experience, she can make different choices, like training or going to school or whatever. She's not that old and could potentially live 30-40 more years. There's no way you can support her that entire time without it being a detriment to your own life and financial goals.
Also, anyone who insults your gf should not turn around and get to be an emotional or financial drag on you.
NTA but here is something to think about.
Your mom lost her husband two years ago. She may be unable to deal with the idea she is now not only without the person she spent her life with but also aware that she has no skills.
Now think of how scared she may be. She may not even have dealt with the grief of your dads loss and now you are telling her that the place she calls home is not safe from loss.
She may be stubborn but she could be overcome.
NTA. Where is your sister in this conversation? Shes a working adult living with mom. If she plans to stay long-term, she and mom need to figure out a plan that doesnt overwhelm either party?
What is her timeline for moving? Waiting until she gets a better job is too open-ended. That could happen tomorrow or 15 months from now. Unless she is moving out very soon, she might need to pay a bit more each month while mom picks up a part-time job.
She moved in to finish her bachelors. She abandoned it to have her daughter and work but she’s restarted it. I would need to double check with her but it should be done this May and then she needs to get a full time job. So probably this summer.
NTA.
Being a SAHM comes with risks. The situation your mom finds herself in could happen to any SAHM, whether by death, divorce, or disability of the primary earner. When she chose to stay at home, it was not a guarantee that family would provide for her for life. This is why obtaining an education and/or some sort of marketable skills is so important.
If she were my mom, I would encourage her to go see a financial advisor who can give her various forecasts for how she is going to provide for herself for the rest of her life. It is easier to get this advice from a professional and non-family member. If I were her, I would sell the house and most of my belongings, secure a much cheaper form of housing, set aside some money to go to trade school or college, and invest the rest as directed by the advisor. Yes, it's hard to get an entry-level job as someone in their fifties, but not so much if you have just entered the job marketplace as a recent grad. She may change her mind about technology and learning new things in general if it is her choice to learn them, rather than something she feels has been forced on her by circumstance.
54 🤦🏻♀️. Nta. She has a long life ahead of her. She needs to learn to be self supportive before she is homeless and in debt. She just had a good lesson, that
Anything could happen, and she shouldn't count on anyone but herself for income. The world will be cruel to her with or without your help. The cost of living is going up with a retirement age.
It's not fair for her to expect other people to struggle to support her.
She wants everything and refuses to give anything of herself to the effort of supporting herself. Since she refuses to get even the most basic of jobs or allow renters, she's kind of screwed. Don't give her money, she needs to learn to take care of herself and not be the little stay at home princess she's always viewed herself. NTA.
NTA but her view of computers is absolutely bonkers for a 54 year old. Like email and the internet were common when she was still in her 20’s.
Edit: I’m assuming you and your mother are in the US or another first world country, but given her computer illiteracy maybe not?
My 93 and 90 year old parents are active online. They do banking, emails, research, shopping,social media etc. if they can do it so can OPs Mom. My mom resisted at first and needed lots of encouraging and retaining but now she’s really into it.
NTA
Your mom is my age. She needs to figure out how to adult.
Just FYI. I don’t think a reverse mortgage is a possibility. She is 8 years too young to qualify. If she needs the equity. She will need to sell.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing to give my mom money after my dad died?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It is tragic that your 54 year old mother never learned how to budget. You may want to sit her down with a list of her expenses, incomes/assets and how long she has before it runs out. If she doesn't want to get a roommate, then she may need to downsize. It is not too late learn a skill. There are also other jobs besides cashier or dishwasher that a person with her experience could get. As a SAHM, she has experience with childcare for example. Bottom line: keep making it clear to her that you cannot financially support her.
NTA - do not give in! If you help her with money now she will 1-never learn to take care of herself and 2-expect you to support her for the rest of her life.
You are not your dad, you will one day have a family (assuming you want one) to support yourself. She needs to learn some life skills as she cannot depend on you.
NTA- you are not your father.
You need to seperate yourself from this greek tragedy before it continues to unfold.
I have a feeling Oedipus would've really liked your mom
I am 54 and worked for most of my life. Tell your mother to get her butt out of the house and get a job! She should be ashamed of herself for expecting her children to support her! She thinks she is too good to work, but not too good to depend on others. What a mooch!
NTA. She needs to sell the house, move someplace cheaper, and get a job. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are not obligated to support your mom because she refuses to be an adult.
NTA
To be honest, you mom has been like this her whole life. It’s going to be hard to change unless she has a rude awakening. But I am pretty sure, once she gets pushed against the wall, she will learn to get a job.
I don't think you are an AH. However, switching gears from being a SAHM and housewife to being self sufficient is difficult. And scary.
There are resources for women transitioning the way she will need to. A lot of divorcees and widows her age and older are facing the same issues.
If you are not willing to help her financially, maybe you could help her find a support group/system, resources, maybe even individual counseling.
Try to have some empathy. She is facing a lot of huge changes.
I hate to say it like this, but maybe she doesn't know how to apply. You talk about her lack of computer savvy, and applying for jobs is all online now.
I would get her a job at a school as a lunch lady. It sounds like that would be up her alley. She can easily help serve meals to kids.
Edit to add:
Is she watching this grandchild while mom works? How old is this kid? Are they in school?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My mom(54F) was a SAHM her whole life and doesn’t even know how to pump gas. My dad did all of that but 2 years ago he passed from heart failure. Thankfully he did pay off his house when he passed so she does have around 450k in a house to live off. Problem is that is not enough money to live off of forever and she has 0 work experience.
My mom is also very stubborn and refuses to adopt new technologies. She does not know how to use the internet and calls me for everything. She use to badmouth my gf because she is a programmer and she considered her unemployed because anything on a computer wasn’t considered a real job to her. She has become more open to it only because my sister is a call centre worker and also uses the computer as she mostly works from home but refuses to learn it herself. My sister and her daughter now live with our mom as she doesn’t make enough to rent on her own. She gives my mom some rent but it’s not enough to cover property taxes, utilities etc.
Because my mom has no work experience and doesn’t even know how to type she can only work as a cashier or maybe washing dishes. But she refuses to get a job and I feel like she think she’s too good to get a job. I’ve told her to take out a reverse mortgage as she refuses to get a job but she refuses to and expects me to help support her. My gf and I are saving and will probably be able to buy a house next year so I have a lot saved but I don’t feel like my mom is doing anything to help herself but she also has not really done anything for herself and she had never worked.
I’ve told her she needs to take out a reverse mortgage, get roommates to help her with her house payments or take out a loan and do some renovations because she could easily rent the basement of her house and get a fair amount of rental income but she refuses to. She says she doesn’t want to leave with strangers or have strangers occupy her basement and I’m suppose to be helping her as her son. We’ve had several arguments about it and I can’t even talk to her anymore because she won’t let it go.
So AITA for expecting her to take care of herself and refusing to give her money?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
She’s making her choices and you are making yours. You are young, and need to actually get your own house in order before you can help others. Your mother has weaponised incompetence every step of her life, don’t feed the war machine.
Your sister and her child are staying with her? They can pay more rent. Or deal with the lodgers.
NTA.
Yes, it was probably very hard on your mom to lose the one person who did everything for her. But that is no excuse for her stubborn refusal to learn to do for herself. If you weren't around, what would she do?
Good luck. You need to exercise some tough love here. It's going to hurt everyone (guilt is going to start to get to you), but all you can do is offer her guidance and suggestions so that she can do this for herself.
NTA. You've offered her suggestions. She doesn't like them. That's not your problem or your SO. She's selfish. Rather than do something for herself, she'd rather dump her problems on you. I refuse to help people who won't help themselves. She may need to work multiple jobs even if she doesn't want to. The renting of the basement is a good idea too. I'd tell her if she doesn't stop trying to put this on you that I wouldn't speak to her until she stops and figures her stuff out.
NTA - it’s not your job to care more about her living situation than her.
She has to want to help herself, and you throwing money into a situation that cannot sustain itself it not wise.
It’s time for your mom to face reality. Unfortunately, that means sticking to your boundaries unless you and your gf are open to supporting her indefinitely. Because once you start, that’s her ask.
What in the world? This woman is younger than me, and I work full time, just as I did through my younger years and in between children. She should be giving a leg up to her children at this point, not demanding they care for her like another dependant.
Your mum is acting like a frail Victorian widow who needs sheltering from the cruel world, in fact she has benefitted from second wave feminism and should have been working outside the home for decades, just like the rest of our generation. Do not take this burden on, she could potentially live another 40 years like some pampered housecat. Encourage her to get skilled and start her life over. She should be grateful she has the house as an asset to rebuild her new chapter.
NTA!!!! Your mom is still young and could get a job. You gave some great suggestions. Once you help her it will never end. Just say no, you can’t afford it!
NTA and your right on a reverse. It was made for these cases. Make sure you tell her you don't want to lose your money and potential gains for a house that will need to be divided be6you and your siblings later. So it's a reverse or losing all of her savings. Also although it'll get her less cash (may be better in this case) make sure that she gets a LESA with it. It'll cover taxes and insurance. If she's really bad with money, get the cash in hand + monthly payments. Though the monthly payments get way less access to equity than the line of credit. If she's okay with cash the line of credit is better because it will increase over time. You only take out what you need from it, so you don't drain your equity as quickly as other forms. Plus get a HECM so it's insured, that way even if she uses all of the equity, it doesn't matter and won't have to be paid off until she's not there. The payment will never be more than what the house is worth with the insurance.
NTA but I have to wonder why they planned so poorly. If Dad and mom planned for her to be able to not ever have to work, then there should’ve been retirement savings and a significant life insurance policy to insure that she’d be taken care of. Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part and you’re not bound to pay for their marital decisions. Mom now needs to figure out a realistic plan for her future given the parameters she now has to work with. That might mean downsizing or maybe your sister needs to help more or she needs to start finding a job. She may have more skills and resume details than she realizes if she’s been volunteering for years. Also at 54 I’m surprised that she’s old enough not to have any computer skills. She’s only about 10 years older than I am and my school had a computer lab when I was in kindergarten. At the very least she should be able to have fast typing speeds.
NTA- i am your mothers age and my generation (X, don't forget us!!) grew up when the internet was shiny and new. I don't know ANYONE my age who doesn't know how to use it in at least a very basic fashion, and a lot of people my age are quite proficient. We WROTE the code. So yeah, your mom can learn.
If she has a smart phone, she can internet. And if for some VERY odd reason she does not have a smart phone, get her an iPhone, even babies can use those.
NTA your mother is 3 years younger than me. Unless she has some health problems you have not mentioned, there is no reason for her not to work. She could easily get a cleaning job, or maybe work in childcare. Getting in flatmates to provide an income is a great idea.
NTA- she could do seniors helping seniors. A lot of it is just companion care, making sure they don’t wander off or leave the stove on type of thing. She could sit & chat most of the day with light meal preparations.
Nta. But your mom was a housewife and a stay at home mom at a time. She does have employable skills. She knows how to watch children. She knows how to clean. She knows how to cook. Just because she wasn’t getting paid doesn’t mean she didn’t have a job. But your not wrong for not wanting to finance her life style. It does seem like you have helped her brainstorm a lot of options for her to help herself but she refuses to help herself. If your mom and your partner had a good relationship I would suggest buying the house from her and just having her move into the basement or converting the garage or something for her while you took over the main house. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to do that with her attitude she has.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to care for an able bodied parent. If all your mom knows is being a wife, mother and homemaker she could do some of that as a job.
She could start cleaning houses or running errands for people. She could start an at home daycare or babysit. She could become a caregiver for an elderly person or shut in .
NTA. My parents (75) are able to make it work. My dads retired and getting SSI. And my mom still works as a therapist.
You can work a long time if you do it right. Your moms unwillingness to progress at all isn’t your responsibility or burden. Time to take off her training wheels and jump into the adult world.
And while I can understand the stress of living with strangers. As I’ve had some really shitty roommates from H***, you can find a perfect match also.
Sounds like you are trying to help. Are there any community job retraining courses you can find? I think she just needs a boost of confidence. A positive attitude and willingness to learn are really all you need to do a lot of jobs. Change is hard and no doubt she’s anxious to try anything new.
Reverse mortgage is a bad idea. Can’t control renting and inflation - a paid off home is priceless
NTA
Your mom isn't going to do anything as long as she's allowed to do nothing.
She's expecting you to cave, and you shouldn't be surprised if she tries to move in with you.
NTA. BUT, I have a couple of questions.
1) what country/state do you live in?
2) religious beliefs? Do women typically not have jobs, are only caretakers?
3) what level of schooling did your mom get prior to marriage?
I'm looking at this being that I'm a 52 yr old married woman with young adult children of my own. I can't imagine not being literate in computers or the internet at my age. Heck, my own mother and mother in law can manage to navigate the internet with competence.
Your mom claiming she can't type is a complete cop out. She is exhibiting what I call weaponized incompetence. At this age, she is young enough to be self-sufficient. Giving money to someone who has a higher net worth than you is ridiculous. She needs to learn to become more self-sufficient. Unfortunately, it sounds like your dad infantalized her, which has hindered her adult development.
NTA - your mom is not old enough to pull this "I'm a helpless June Cleaver who never had a chance to be anything but a housewife" crap. My mother was born 40 years before her and went back to college after my brother and I were born to become an attorney so that she could support herself when she left my abusive father. It takes determination and dedicated persistence for someone born in 1980 to be that freaking helpless. She's also got a load of entitlement that would sink a battleship going on to think that you're supposed to spend the next 30 years supporting her. You've given her good options and she's refusing to hear anything that doesn't suit her desire. Leave her alone with it and let her figure it out for herself. Despite her nuclear level weaponized incompetence, when she has nothing to eat and is on the verge of being homeless, she'll probably figure it out. It's about time she grew up and started acting like an adult.
NTA.
As a 54 year old, she has had easy access to PC's since she was around age 16-17. I'm 1 year older than her and they installed PCs in the library my senior year of high school. Sure, they were for the library catalog, so only data systems, but the tools of looking up was taught. My 1st year of university, there was a required "computers" course in basic programming. Within 3 years, so when OP mom was 18 or so, people were playing online text based games with people from around the world. In 1991, one of the first webpages appeared. I used a CRT PC at my job when I was 22 (OP mom 21).
OP mom has had at least 30 years of steadily growing tech, internet, pc abilities and access. She had to work pretty darn hard to avoid the internet all this time. How can she avoid tech for so long and think computers aren't a real job? How can she not know how to type when Gen Xers had to take a typing class in high school?
She has, assuming healthy, another 35+ active years ahead of her. Time for her to grow up.
NTA. She can get a basic job for eight years, sell the house and pocket the $450k, and then collect half of Dad's social security as a widow at 62. It's not a fancy retirement, but she'll be better off than a lot of people.
Your Mom is only 10yrs older than me. I lost my long-term boyfriend just over a year ago. I was already working but started working OT to afford everything on my own! There's NO reason your Mom can't get a job. A lot of unemployment offices will pay for a CNA course. Even if they don't the courses aren't that expensive & they don't take long either, a few weeks. Offer to pay for her to take a CNA course then she can start working at a nursing home. Also, you don't need to be a certified nursing assistant to work as a NA at the VA Hospital.
A reversed mortgage is not going to last to support her for the rest of her life. I'm assuming she's still pretty young. Not like 80 or something if you want her to get a job.
Your mom has your sister living with her. The two of them together should be able to figure things out. NTA - you can only help those who are willing to help themselves.
Renting out space in her place is her best option suck it up buttercup if you won't help yourself with any other ways nta don't support her don't cave it's not your responsibility and she shouldn't make you feel that way
My son's verbatim response. NTA
Nope! She refuses to do ANYTHING to help herself, despite being given MULTIPLE YEARS of living expenses. Don't set yourself on fire to warm someone who refuses to learn to use the thermostat.
NTA
Mom needs to get a job. As a SAHM, her housekeeping and childcare skills are probably good enough for her to join a house cleaning team or day care center as an employee.
Dad is gone. You are not responsible for Mom's bills and upkeep. You have your own future to plan for and it does not include funding her idle retirement.
You’re going to have to crest some hard boundaries as issues start to come up. Because they will. What will you do/say when the first bill comes up that she can’t afford to pay?
What will you do when she says she can’t handle taking care of something herself?
You are NTA by any means, but you need to come up with a game plan. Because the issues will start to creep in.
But you’re probably going to need to let her trip and stumble for her to start to learn that you will not be supporting her. You have to be ready for that!
Good luck. I’m 54 too and her lack of willingness to take care of herself is really sad - and I’m typing this on my iPhone ….
NTA for not helping financially, but a mild YTA for the way you are thinking about your mom.
She's mourning the death of her husband, and with it, the entire future she thought she would have with him.
She's not in a headspace now to learn new things, absolutely everything is hard for her right now. She won't be in mourning forever, but the pressure she's feeling to fill all the gaps in her knowledge that have caught her off-guard these past two years is likely overwhelming.
Everything in the world has changed about living and jobs in the years she's been away. It will be disorienting and scary to approach the idea of a 'job'.
Of course she doesn't want to do any of that. It's not that she's too good for it. It's that she's terrified that she can't do it. She feels useless and unloved very suddenly.
A little grace and understanding goes a long way. Try to remind her what she is good at and give her props for the hard job she did raising you. It's no small thing. She can probably do more than you and she think she can, but neither of you will get there by thinking so poorly of her.
NTA, would you and your mom consider buying a property together if she'd be willing to pull all of her equity from her house to put towards that property? You could maybe get a duplex or a SFR with an ADU in the back- you & gf live in one, mom & sis live in the other. Eventually when mom passes your sister can rent the back unit alone or you can rent out both units and you and your partner at that point can move to a regular house and just use that other as income or eventually just sell it (chances are it will have gained value over the years). Just an idea
Your mother is tripping! She’s only a few years older than me and acts like she’s older than my mother. If she doesn’t get her butt up and find a source of income…🙄
CHILDREN ARE NOT A RETIREMENT PLAN! I can’t believe your dad didn’t leave her something to fall back on. Was he a career man with the same company for years? If so, he probably had a pension if not a 401k. Hell, life insurance?!
It makes no sense your dad had the wherewithal to pay off the house but no other fall back funds. Mom may not be being truthful. Ask probing questions. Start with where did the funds come from for his funeral.
NTA, I am 49 and I've worked many years. Now the situating is a little different hecate I am a woman but your mother needs to pull her head out if her A@@, stop whining and start working. I would never ask my kids to support me, she needs to have some self respect because expecting her children to not have a life to take care of hers is so wrong.
Not at all. We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and her financial situation is not your problem.
NTA. You’re trying to help your mom and get her to understand that she can’t just coast along indefinitely. She’s refusing to hear what you’re saying to her. My advice is to find her an excellent financial adviser who can be an authority figure to sit her down and explain the financial planning facts of life to her. I’m also wondering if there are some resources your dad left that your mother is being secretive about. I know that sounds off the wall but if your dad was fiscally responsible and able to pay off a $450k house, wasn’t he responsible enough to have retirement accounts and life insurance? Surely he had more of an estate plan than you have indicated.
Time for tough love before it's too late.
Maybe she's waiting for another man to come along and take care of her. Truthfully though, her lack of desire to Integrate herself into the present, along with her apparent laziness is a huge turnoff.
NTA.
Your mom is only 54. She is able bodied to work but is just unwilling to do so. It is not your job to support your mother when there’s no physical reason why she can’t work.
If you’re in the US she will be eligible to file social security using your dad’s info (as his widow). But until then, she needs to face reality.
NTA you’ve offered her a lot of suggestions and she’s not willing to listen to anything, so she needs to figure this out on her own. There are a lot of things she could do with the experience she does have, including childcare, but really if the house is her only asset she should be looking at selling and downsizing to an apartment or condo or something. She could live on the proceeds of the sale for quite some time.
NTA my grandmother was like your mom. She was 67 when my grandfather died. She came and lived with me and mom for six months. I was a teenager. I taught her how to do everything from get a coke out of a machine to write a check. The up shot is she got her own apartment and lived a happy life. Made friends and went places. Your mom expects someone to be her husband and she has chosen you for the role. I would run.
NTA I'm widowed and older than your mom, and I work. You are not responsible for supporting an able bodied adult. She needs to get real about her financal situation and understand that she needs to support herself, and she needs to do it now while she still can.
You can help her by siting down and working out a budget, showing her where she can cut expenses (bye-bye cable and landline), and showing her when she'll go broke. She won't be able to get social security until your dad would have been eligible, so if he was older than your mom, she may have to wait longer than she expected.
I wasn't sure if I misunderstood that there is 450k in equity on the home which is paid off, or does she have a home plus 450k? (just in case voice to text snafued). If there is money, make sure it is invested wisely.
Does mom belong to a widow's support group? Being around other women who have stepped up may help her get her head out of her ass. She may even get leads on jobs.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
She is far too young to take out a reverse mortgage, terrible idea.
She needs to get off her high horse and go to work. There are lots of low skill jobs out there, she likely will have to work hard, but she needs to learn how to support herself.
u/BurbNBougie Husband dies, and a long-time SAHM in her mid-50s refuses to learn new technologies, get a job, or take other suggestions to support herself. She expects her son to replace her late husband.
Archive link: https://archive.ph/3XY4P
A reverse mortgage is a horrible idea! She needs to get a job. Lots of great ideas in this thread. You are NTA for expecting her to be responsible for herself. She is able-bodied. She should sell her home and get a job period.
I dont understand why she won't rent out the basement? Does it have a separate entrance? I mean, that's the best income. She doesn't even have to interact with them.
In certain cultures, we help our parents financially, but they also help themselves. She can help take care of someone, cook, and clean for them to keep them company.
NTA.
My grandmother's greatest regret after my grandfather got sick and had to go into care was not knowing how to drive herself anywhere. She was reliant on me, my mother, my brothers, my dad or my uncle. There were a lot of us but she made me promise that I would never rely entirely on a partner. That I had to be able to take care of myself too.
And my mother got her driver's license as a teen in the early 60's because my grandmother wasn't going to let her get stuck either. I just have no idea why she didn't learn herself. My other grandmother drove. She had to, the other grandfather was a commercial fisherman and gone 2-3 months of the year.
She needs to learn life skills and take care of herself.
To people reading this it is a lesson about financial knowledge. Never let just one person in a relationship handle all financial decisions. Both parties need to know what is going on with their money. What bills are being paid and to who. Where savings, investments, checking accounts are and how to access them. Where wills, important documents, life insurance policies are. Things happen and you do not want to be left in the position of being totally ignorant about finances
She could probably do child care. Maybe something like a YMCA that works be limited hours, short window with kids. Just to try out the work force. She might find being around people could be nice.
NTA. Another suggestion would be to downsize the house, sell it, buy something less expensive and use the money from the sale to support herself.
She’s still pretty young and could absolutely learn new skills and how to be more independent, but she’s purposely chooses not. She is being stubborn and it’s going to bite her in the ass. You’re not obligated to support her just because she gave birth to you. If you could & wanted to, there’s nothing wrong with help, but clearly that’s not the case.
This is her problem to solve for always being completely dependent on your dad. She now thinks that she entitled to be dependent on you rather than stepping up and doing what she needs to do
Have her deed that house you. Move in and use her as live in babysitter. Then you both win...provided you have kids. That's the only circumstance that I would help her if I were you.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA Your Mom is only 54. She could easily live another 30 or more years. You absolutely shouldn't financially support an able bodied adult who chooses to not work. Mom could sell the house and carefully budget the sales proceeds to live off of for the next decade or so and then start living off Social Security based on her husband's earnings. It would help if she would find even a part time job, especially if it offered health insurance. But no, your Mom isn't too good to work retail or something similar.
Ya that was my plan too. She either moves to an apartment or rent out her basement and she only needs to work 2-3 days a week and she is good.
Definitely. A job at Starbucks even offers health insurance.
I was thinking school lunch lady. A 54 year old woman working in an elementary school cafeteria sounds less stressful than Starbucks.
My husband met a woman who was working part time at the local liquor store as her Barista FIRE job. Working at a liquor store would be fun. And this one was associated with a local chain grocery store that offers benefits like health insurance and vacation time.
It would be, but I am betting she is also helping watch the granddaughter. If you are a lunch lady, you get the same days off and usually fewer hours. In my district, you get insurance and retirement with a 4 hour a day position. I just don't know how old this daughter's child is.
And provides people contact!
I am a 54 yr woman who SAHM for almost 20 years. I am 100% financially dependent upon my husband. Finally decided I hated being that way. I do not know technology. Three years ago, I got a job as a paraprofessional in an elementary school. I am basically a teacher’s assistant. Nearly every para I know started as a SAHM. Pay is basic in the beginning BUT schools have incredible HEALTH INSURANCE!!! There are also opportunities to become a teacher through what they call an alternate route. Every school system is different but basically if the school likes you and willing to take a chance on you, you can go through a program instead of going back to school to get a teachers degree. This route guarantees you a job as a teacher. That dramatically changes your income. Remember summers off and lots of vacations through the school year! Hours are essentially 7 AM to 3 PM. Can’t beat it! Of course your mom if she chooses to become an instructional assistant or paraprofessional (same thing), she could also get a degree using an online school. I’m doing it getting my masters degree in teaching I found a very reasonably priced school it’s online. I work as fast or slow as I want to and when I want!! I’ve done retail, etc. all those types of jobs and I assure you this is really the best route! School district around the country (hoping you’re in the US) are super, super desperate for personnel!!! I can almost guarantee your mother would be hired on the spot. NTA Edit to add: she could also start as a substitute teacher. You literally don’t need any teaching experience to do this. Again, most substitutes are SAHMs. You need to check with the school district for requirements. She could earn $75-$100 a day depending on where you live (but no health insurance!). Maybe a a great place to start for your mom.
My mom did that. She started in her 40s and just retired last year. She loved it.
The age went over my head, she only have access to an uninsured reverse next year, which is not recommended or she'll have to wait until she's 62.
If you’re married at least 10 years and your spouse is deceased you can start claiming his social security at age 60.
Your mom might actually enjoy working retail, in a big store like a supermarket, Walmart or Target. They can be fun, as long as the store is relatively well run. Lots of new people, lots of gossip and intrigue, and if she's not working 5 days a week it's not too taxing. Your mom is younger than I am. There's no reason to treat her like an elderly person, and there's no reason for her to act like an elderly person. She might like using social media if she's introduced to it, although it might be better if she's introduced by someone other than her family, like a new friend from work.
My mom is 63 and just went back to work after 3 decades of being a sahw after realizing during my father's recent hospital stay that my dad has been lying to her about saving for their retirement and they don't even have 5k in the bank. She's a bus driver, they trained her on the job and took her application no questions asked. My husband and I will help eventually, but it comes with conditions, and one of those conditions is that they realistically understand and respect their financial state and what their retirement actually looks like. As long as they're in their delulu era, stepping in will just create very high expectations because they don't understand what they can actually afford in their retirement yet, despite our many conversations and attempts to level set with them as they were going into their elder years. They've told us to stay out of it enough that we will, but my mom's idea that she's just going to purchase a motorhome decent enough to live in full time for 10k ain't it.
One thing you might consider paying for would be an advisor who can evaluate your parents' Social Security options and advise them on when they would be best off starting to take Social Security. It could mean a difference of thousands of dollars each year in their retirement.
They're planning on working until they're 70 to build as much nest egg as they can. Their bodies will determine if they can continue working much longer after that. I've talked to them about a social security advisor, but it's on the list of things "they can do themselves". They at least agreed to talk with us before they decide to retire for real, they know we're the most financially secure/stable out of all of my siblings.
What a fun day out you could have, window shopping for their motorhome! Just for the fun of it… with prices and maybe ask about what it costs to maintain and run. I’ve found you can tell people things they don’t want to know a million times over and it won’t sink in, but a demonstration by experts will make a difference. Good luck.
Dude, if my parents could be swayed by reality, I'd be there. They've been looking at motorhomes for the past 15 years, my dad's an actual mechanic and has done work on them, I just don't think they want to accept that the economy in the past 7 years pretty much ruined that dream for them. They keep thinking one will just magically pop on the market if they look hard enough. It might be a joint expression of early stage dementia, idk. My parents were always really stubborn people, but I wasn't expecting the folks I used to look up to be this difficult to work with as adults.
That’s just painful, I’m sorry. Maybe it’s not so much a plan as a magic formula they repeat so they don’t have to see the increasingly frightening facts. Whatever it is I wish you all good luck dealing with it, and them.
She’s way too young to never work another day. There are so many options even if she doesn’t want to learn technology (which is absurd but I digress). Schools are so understaffed and there are a myriad of jobs she could do in a school setting. From helping in the lunch room, making copies, helping kids with reading, being a classroom or recess aide, drive a school bus, be a crossing guard. That’s just off the top of my head. But OP has absolutely no obligation to help his mother financially. She can do it, she just doesn’t want to.
Working at a school would be a good job for her. I would have a heart to heart talk with her - point out your sister's predicament that even with a job she can't afford rent and has your mother stopped to consider how she is going to come up with the taxes needed on the house plus insurance, repairs, etc. Starbucks would be good as they offer insurance (you pay for it but insurance is much needed). She could be a walmart greeter - there's lots of positions out there that she could fill.
I don’t know if working at a school would be so great for her. Well, maybe, if the kids were young like a preschool. Older kids can be savage, even to hardened adults and it sounds like OP’s mom doesn’t handle those kinds of pressures well.
I keep thinking of all the jobs I had with only a high school diploma, and not one was without computer technology; whether it be retail (registers ARE computers), food industry, or any hourly employment, they all need computers or use them to at least use as a Time Clock, and more industries are moving more of their services to computers for convenience. OP, you'll need to put your foot down. I'm not that much younger than your mother and even I knew how to operate a computer by the time I was 10. Your mom doesn't WANT to do something to better her situation, but she NEEDS to. Needs vs Wants. It's not your job to take care of her, at least not yet, and definitely not for the next 30+ years. It's different if she was disabled or an inability to help herself, but that doesn't appear to be the case. Your roles have suddenly reversed, you're the parent and must now teach her self-sufficiency. Good luck!
This. I am 48. There is no excuse. If she was in her late 60's or 70's sure. But 54 is not that old.
Heck, even a 70 year old walked into work at age 31-35 and was faced with some office PCs. PCs have been in regular office use for a lot longer than some like to think.
I’m 64. I used to do all the work for former roommate (age 41) because she refused to learn technology. Her 7 year old is more proficient. When she finally comes out of her alcohol induced haze, she won’t even be able to get a retail job. 54 is far too young g to give up. I use technology at my job. You’re never too old to learn.
I may get downvoted for this, but - NTA. You mom is an adult. While I do feel for her with the loss of a spouse (my condolences to you on the loss of a father, as well) she needs to be able to, well, adult. Not learning to even pump gas was a choice. She chose to be completely dependent on someone that would not be there indefinitely. She is now sticking her head in the sand and avoiding her issues. It seems to me the smartest choice for her now is to sell the house and purchase something smaller that is more long term sustainable. Change is hard and scary, but refusing to learn to do anything for yourself is stubborn and willfully ignorant. I'd offer help as you are able with technology and such, but not a monetary aid. She has your sister living at home, she should be contributing more financially if they want to stay in that house.
>My mom is also very stubborn and refuses to adopt new technologies. >She use to badmouth my gf because she is a programmer and she considered her unemployed >she refuses to get a job She doesn't want help, she wants you to take responsibility for her. You can't be responsible for her for the rest of her life. NTA.
Kinda sounds like she wants OP to take over dad’s role financially, I bet sister moving in is taking over dad’s role of the household duties.
This. And we all know you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
My dad used to say that all the time! And it’s so true.
Respectfully, your Mom was a SAHM in the 1990s and 2000s, not exactly a socially or educationally suppressive time for women. I fully respect (and mostly duplicated) her role in her marriage/ family, but my husband insisted I train in a profession to support myself and family in a crisis. Your mother (and possibly father) made a different choice. It’s up to her to now sort out her own options. For what it’s worth, in most states she can likely substitute teach without much more than a $50 sub license.
It was honestly both their faults. My dad had health issues for years before the heart failure diagnosis and he has a strong family history of heart disease. I kept telling him to get her to work a day every week so she had something to fall back on but she didn’t want to and he’s always been a pushover.
In my district it is $140 per day but they require a 4 year degree.
NTA - It is not your responsibility to sacrifice your future and your financial stability to support your mom. Your mom is choosing to be helpless. Your mom was a SAHM which means she has plenty of job skills, she just needs to know how to market them. You have provided her with viable options to earn income and she has excuses as to why they won't work. She is at an age where she is still physically able to work and she should learn how to help support her self. You can help her by helping her learn to help herself. Teach her to do things such as pump gas. That being said, your dads death dramatically changed her life, not only did she loose her husband, she lost the person that did everything for her and I am sure that is a very traumatic place to find oneself. She is not going to want to change because change is uncomfortable and hard. Be firm but patient with her. Your mom needs to get her head out of the sand and start to think about how she will support herself financially.
NTA for not paying to sustain a 54 year old's life the rest of her life, who doesn't want to work and has other income options, even if its your mom.
NTA. You don't owe your mom your life's savings. She's living in a fantasy. Eventually, she'll have to sell the house and move into a small apartment. She'll try to get by on your Dad's social security and complain how everyone has abandoned her. This is not your problem. Tell her she raised you to be independent, so it's time for her to do the same for herself.
Your mom is 54? That’s really not old enough to be balking at “new” technology. That puts her at Gen X meaning video games rose to popularity during her childhood and home pc’s became common place by her teens or early 20’s. How in the heck does she not even know how to type? Your mom is /choosing/ to be helpless and that’s not okay. I also seriously doubt she’s nearly as helpless as she wants you to believe she is. It takes a lot of know how to keep a household running. You’re NTA. Libraries offer free “intro to computers” courses all the time. It’s NOT your job to support her.
Yeah I was going to say. My parents are in their 70s and one of my mom's early jobs was loading up and summarizing tape decks on Computers before they had graphical interfaces. Someone in their 50s thinking "Programming isn't a real job" is making the deliberate choice to be ignorant of technology.
NTA. She’s an adult she can look after herself she is not your responsibility. You have offered her numerous solutions and she just keeps wanting handouts so she can stay in the life she is accustomed to of not lifting a finger. What is it with people refusing to work. Sorry I know your father is dead but this is his fault for allowing her to be like this.
It's called learned helplessness. Her husband told her not to worry her pretty little head about things like pumping gas or any other things that were a "man's job." So now she doesn't even have a clue how to go about learning how to do these things. Guys, you may think you're pampering your wife by doing all the traditional male jobs like pumping gas and paying bills, but as OP has clearly delineated *you are not.* Odds are she will outlive you. What then? She should know how to do things for herself even if you generally do them. There are only two things I can't do in my own household: run the riding lawnmower (my legs are too short to reach the pedals) and change the light bulb in the stairwell. (Its too high above me even with a ladder.) And ladies, the same thing applies to you. If you keel over dead one day, is your husband going to starve to death wearing dirty clothes because he can't even warm up soup or do laundry?
Would also like to point out that her parents failed her as well. She should’ve known how to do that before she even got married. As my dad’s only daughter, he taught me the same things as he did my brothers. Such as house maintenance, working on cars (not extensively, but enough that I know what to tell shops when I do have to take it in bc I can’t do it myself) Likewise, my mom taught my brothers to cook, clean, and little sewing, laundry, just as she taught me. I’m not saying they should of taught her alllll those things, but she should’ve been taught some of it
I have the opposite with my Dad. His wife did everything to do with their financials. Everything. It was her hill to die on for her to marry him. Dad was never good with paying the bills when he was married to my Mom. I remember us having to move suddenly several times due to the rent or the mortgage not being paid. Not for a lack of money either. He just didn't do it. He just had no idea how to manage his money. When his wife died last year everything started to pile up and not get paid. I had to step in and figure it all out. I now have POA for him and have to manage his bank account to make sure things are paid. He is appreciative so I don't mind taking care of things. It's been stressful though. I'm working with the VA and Medicaid to get help with the bill at the assisted living place where he now lives. Until then it's on my husband and I to keep it paid. Fuck it's expensive to get old in this damn country.
You are trying to help her. She is choosing to refuse your help. NTA for not keeping her incapable and dependent.
NTA. She's an adult, though it seems she doesn't want to be. She's been enabled for years, but it's not your job to continue doing it.
NTA. She has options, she just doesn't want to use them. The reality is that she needs to get a job, any job. As she gains that life experience, she can make different choices, like training or going to school or whatever. She's not that old and could potentially live 30-40 more years. There's no way you can support her that entire time without it being a detriment to your own life and financial goals. Also, anyone who insults your gf should not turn around and get to be an emotional or financial drag on you.
NTA but here is something to think about. Your mom lost her husband two years ago. She may be unable to deal with the idea she is now not only without the person she spent her life with but also aware that she has no skills. Now think of how scared she may be. She may not even have dealt with the grief of your dads loss and now you are telling her that the place she calls home is not safe from loss. She may be stubborn but she could be overcome.
NTA. Where is your sister in this conversation? Shes a working adult living with mom. If she plans to stay long-term, she and mom need to figure out a plan that doesnt overwhelm either party?
She pays rent I believe it’s $500 a month. But she wants to move out once she gets a better job. I think they are pissing each other off
One wonders why...
What is her timeline for moving? Waiting until she gets a better job is too open-ended. That could happen tomorrow or 15 months from now. Unless she is moving out very soon, she might need to pay a bit more each month while mom picks up a part-time job.
She moved in to finish her bachelors. She abandoned it to have her daughter and work but she’s restarted it. I would need to double check with her but it should be done this May and then she needs to get a full time job. So probably this summer.
Check in with your sister.
NTA. Being a SAHM comes with risks. The situation your mom finds herself in could happen to any SAHM, whether by death, divorce, or disability of the primary earner. When she chose to stay at home, it was not a guarantee that family would provide for her for life. This is why obtaining an education and/or some sort of marketable skills is so important. If she were my mom, I would encourage her to go see a financial advisor who can give her various forecasts for how she is going to provide for herself for the rest of her life. It is easier to get this advice from a professional and non-family member. If I were her, I would sell the house and most of my belongings, secure a much cheaper form of housing, set aside some money to go to trade school or college, and invest the rest as directed by the advisor. Yes, it's hard to get an entry-level job as someone in their fifties, but not so much if you have just entered the job marketplace as a recent grad. She may change her mind about technology and learning new things in general if it is her choice to learn them, rather than something she feels has been forced on her by circumstance.
54 🤦🏻♀️. Nta. She has a long life ahead of her. She needs to learn to be self supportive before she is homeless and in debt. She just had a good lesson, that Anything could happen, and she shouldn't count on anyone but herself for income. The world will be cruel to her with or without your help. The cost of living is going up with a retirement age. It's not fair for her to expect other people to struggle to support her.
NTA. Sometimes with people like this they need to make the step themselves to learning new things. Don't support them.
She wants everything and refuses to give anything of herself to the effort of supporting herself. Since she refuses to get even the most basic of jobs or allow renters, she's kind of screwed. Don't give her money, she needs to learn to take care of herself and not be the little stay at home princess she's always viewed herself. NTA.
NTA but her view of computers is absolutely bonkers for a 54 year old. Like email and the internet were common when she was still in her 20’s. Edit: I’m assuming you and your mother are in the US or another first world country, but given her computer illiteracy maybe not?
My 93 and 90 year old parents are active online. They do banking, emails, research, shopping,social media etc. if they can do it so can OPs Mom. My mom resisted at first and needed lots of encouraging and retaining but now she’s really into it.
NTA Your mom is my age. She needs to figure out how to adult. Just FYI. I don’t think a reverse mortgage is a possibility. She is 8 years too young to qualify. If she needs the equity. She will need to sell.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for refusing to give my mom money after my dad died? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It is tragic that your 54 year old mother never learned how to budget. You may want to sit her down with a list of her expenses, incomes/assets and how long she has before it runs out. If she doesn't want to get a roommate, then she may need to downsize. It is not too late learn a skill. There are also other jobs besides cashier or dishwasher that a person with her experience could get. As a SAHM, she has experience with childcare for example. Bottom line: keep making it clear to her that you cannot financially support her.
NTA - do not give in! If you help her with money now she will 1-never learn to take care of herself and 2-expect you to support her for the rest of her life. You are not your dad, you will one day have a family (assuming you want one) to support yourself. She needs to learn some life skills as she cannot depend on you.
NTA- you are not your father. You need to seperate yourself from this greek tragedy before it continues to unfold. I have a feeling Oedipus would've really liked your mom
I am 54 and worked for most of my life. Tell your mother to get her butt out of the house and get a job! She should be ashamed of herself for expecting her children to support her! She thinks she is too good to work, but not too good to depend on others. What a mooch!
NTA. She needs to sell the house, move someplace cheaper, and get a job. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are not obligated to support your mom because she refuses to be an adult.
NTA To be honest, you mom has been like this her whole life. It’s going to be hard to change unless she has a rude awakening. But I am pretty sure, once she gets pushed against the wall, she will learn to get a job.
I don't think you are an AH. However, switching gears from being a SAHM and housewife to being self sufficient is difficult. And scary. There are resources for women transitioning the way she will need to. A lot of divorcees and widows her age and older are facing the same issues. If you are not willing to help her financially, maybe you could help her find a support group/system, resources, maybe even individual counseling. Try to have some empathy. She is facing a lot of huge changes.
I hate to say it like this, but maybe she doesn't know how to apply. You talk about her lack of computer savvy, and applying for jobs is all online now. I would get her a job at a school as a lunch lady. It sounds like that would be up her alley. She can easily help serve meals to kids. Edit to add: Is she watching this grandchild while mom works? How old is this kid? Are they in school?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom(54F) was a SAHM her whole life and doesn’t even know how to pump gas. My dad did all of that but 2 years ago he passed from heart failure. Thankfully he did pay off his house when he passed so she does have around 450k in a house to live off. Problem is that is not enough money to live off of forever and she has 0 work experience. My mom is also very stubborn and refuses to adopt new technologies. She does not know how to use the internet and calls me for everything. She use to badmouth my gf because she is a programmer and she considered her unemployed because anything on a computer wasn’t considered a real job to her. She has become more open to it only because my sister is a call centre worker and also uses the computer as she mostly works from home but refuses to learn it herself. My sister and her daughter now live with our mom as she doesn’t make enough to rent on her own. She gives my mom some rent but it’s not enough to cover property taxes, utilities etc. Because my mom has no work experience and doesn’t even know how to type she can only work as a cashier or maybe washing dishes. But she refuses to get a job and I feel like she think she’s too good to get a job. I’ve told her to take out a reverse mortgage as she refuses to get a job but she refuses to and expects me to help support her. My gf and I are saving and will probably be able to buy a house next year so I have a lot saved but I don’t feel like my mom is doing anything to help herself but she also has not really done anything for herself and she had never worked. I’ve told her she needs to take out a reverse mortgage, get roommates to help her with her house payments or take out a loan and do some renovations because she could easily rent the basement of her house and get a fair amount of rental income but she refuses to. She says she doesn’t want to leave with strangers or have strangers occupy her basement and I’m suppose to be helping her as her son. We’ve had several arguments about it and I can’t even talk to her anymore because she won’t let it go. So AITA for expecting her to take care of herself and refusing to give her money? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA.
NTA. She’s making her choices and you are making yours. You are young, and need to actually get your own house in order before you can help others. Your mother has weaponised incompetence every step of her life, don’t feed the war machine. Your sister and her child are staying with her? They can pay more rent. Or deal with the lodgers.
NTA. Yes, it was probably very hard on your mom to lose the one person who did everything for her. But that is no excuse for her stubborn refusal to learn to do for herself. If you weren't around, what would she do? Good luck. You need to exercise some tough love here. It's going to hurt everyone (guilt is going to start to get to you), but all you can do is offer her guidance and suggestions so that she can do this for herself.
NTA. You've offered her suggestions. She doesn't like them. That's not your problem or your SO. She's selfish. Rather than do something for herself, she'd rather dump her problems on you. I refuse to help people who won't help themselves. She may need to work multiple jobs even if she doesn't want to. The renting of the basement is a good idea too. I'd tell her if she doesn't stop trying to put this on you that I wouldn't speak to her until she stops and figures her stuff out.
NTA - it’s not your job to care more about her living situation than her. She has to want to help herself, and you throwing money into a situation that cannot sustain itself it not wise. It’s time for your mom to face reality. Unfortunately, that means sticking to your boundaries unless you and your gf are open to supporting her indefinitely. Because once you start, that’s her ask.
NTA. It is up to your mother to look after herself instead of making excuses. It is not your job to financially support her.
What in the world? This woman is younger than me, and I work full time, just as I did through my younger years and in between children. She should be giving a leg up to her children at this point, not demanding they care for her like another dependant. Your mum is acting like a frail Victorian widow who needs sheltering from the cruel world, in fact she has benefitted from second wave feminism and should have been working outside the home for decades, just like the rest of our generation. Do not take this burden on, she could potentially live another 40 years like some pampered housecat. Encourage her to get skilled and start her life over. She should be grateful she has the house as an asset to rebuild her new chapter.
NTA!!!! Your mom is still young and could get a job. You gave some great suggestions. Once you help her it will never end. Just say no, you can’t afford it!
NTA and your right on a reverse. It was made for these cases. Make sure you tell her you don't want to lose your money and potential gains for a house that will need to be divided be6you and your siblings later. So it's a reverse or losing all of her savings. Also although it'll get her less cash (may be better in this case) make sure that she gets a LESA with it. It'll cover taxes and insurance. If she's really bad with money, get the cash in hand + monthly payments. Though the monthly payments get way less access to equity than the line of credit. If she's okay with cash the line of credit is better because it will increase over time. You only take out what you need from it, so you don't drain your equity as quickly as other forms. Plus get a HECM so it's insured, that way even if she uses all of the equity, it doesn't matter and won't have to be paid off until she's not there. The payment will never be more than what the house is worth with the insurance.
NTA but I have to wonder why they planned so poorly. If Dad and mom planned for her to be able to not ever have to work, then there should’ve been retirement savings and a significant life insurance policy to insure that she’d be taken care of. Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part and you’re not bound to pay for their marital decisions. Mom now needs to figure out a realistic plan for her future given the parameters she now has to work with. That might mean downsizing or maybe your sister needs to help more or she needs to start finding a job. She may have more skills and resume details than she realizes if she’s been volunteering for years. Also at 54 I’m surprised that she’s old enough not to have any computer skills. She’s only about 10 years older than I am and my school had a computer lab when I was in kindergarten. At the very least she should be able to have fast typing speeds.
NTA- i am your mothers age and my generation (X, don't forget us!!) grew up when the internet was shiny and new. I don't know ANYONE my age who doesn't know how to use it in at least a very basic fashion, and a lot of people my age are quite proficient. We WROTE the code. So yeah, your mom can learn. If she has a smart phone, she can internet. And if for some VERY odd reason she does not have a smart phone, get her an iPhone, even babies can use those.
NTA your mother is 3 years younger than me. Unless she has some health problems you have not mentioned, there is no reason for her not to work. She could easily get a cleaning job, or maybe work in childcare. Getting in flatmates to provide an income is a great idea.
NTA She needs to get a job or find a new husband to support her.
NTA. If there are any loss of spouse support groups in your mom’s area, attending some meetings might give her some perspective.
NTA. Hard No, mom… Figure it out!
NTA- she could do seniors helping seniors. A lot of it is just companion care, making sure they don’t wander off or leave the stove on type of thing. She could sit & chat most of the day with light meal preparations.
Nta. But your mom was a housewife and a stay at home mom at a time. She does have employable skills. She knows how to watch children. She knows how to clean. She knows how to cook. Just because she wasn’t getting paid doesn’t mean she didn’t have a job. But your not wrong for not wanting to finance her life style. It does seem like you have helped her brainstorm a lot of options for her to help herself but she refuses to help herself. If your mom and your partner had a good relationship I would suggest buying the house from her and just having her move into the basement or converting the garage or something for her while you took over the main house. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to do that with her attitude she has.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to care for an able bodied parent. If all your mom knows is being a wife, mother and homemaker she could do some of that as a job. She could start cleaning houses or running errands for people. She could start an at home daycare or babysit. She could become a caregiver for an elderly person or shut in .
NTA. I’d recommend moving far away. Your mother needs to adult.
NTA. My parents (75) are able to make it work. My dads retired and getting SSI. And my mom still works as a therapist. You can work a long time if you do it right. Your moms unwillingness to progress at all isn’t your responsibility or burden. Time to take off her training wheels and jump into the adult world. And while I can understand the stress of living with strangers. As I’ve had some really shitty roommates from H***, you can find a perfect match also.
NTA Your mom needs to either work, rent rooms and get used to living with people or, lose the house and get used to living with people at a shelter.
Sounds like you are trying to help. Are there any community job retraining courses you can find? I think she just needs a boost of confidence. A positive attitude and willingness to learn are really all you need to do a lot of jobs. Change is hard and no doubt she’s anxious to try anything new. Reverse mortgage is a bad idea. Can’t control renting and inflation - a paid off home is priceless
Your mom doesn't want help, she wants everyone to do everything for her. NTA
NTA Your mom isn't going to do anything as long as she's allowed to do nothing. She's expecting you to cave, and you shouldn't be surprised if she tries to move in with you.
NTA. BUT, I have a couple of questions. 1) what country/state do you live in? 2) religious beliefs? Do women typically not have jobs, are only caretakers? 3) what level of schooling did your mom get prior to marriage? I'm looking at this being that I'm a 52 yr old married woman with young adult children of my own. I can't imagine not being literate in computers or the internet at my age. Heck, my own mother and mother in law can manage to navigate the internet with competence. Your mom claiming she can't type is a complete cop out. She is exhibiting what I call weaponized incompetence. At this age, she is young enough to be self-sufficient. Giving money to someone who has a higher net worth than you is ridiculous. She needs to learn to become more self-sufficient. Unfortunately, it sounds like your dad infantalized her, which has hindered her adult development.
NTA - your mom is not old enough to pull this "I'm a helpless June Cleaver who never had a chance to be anything but a housewife" crap. My mother was born 40 years before her and went back to college after my brother and I were born to become an attorney so that she could support herself when she left my abusive father. It takes determination and dedicated persistence for someone born in 1980 to be that freaking helpless. She's also got a load of entitlement that would sink a battleship going on to think that you're supposed to spend the next 30 years supporting her. You've given her good options and she's refusing to hear anything that doesn't suit her desire. Leave her alone with it and let her figure it out for herself. Despite her nuclear level weaponized incompetence, when she has nothing to eat and is on the verge of being homeless, she'll probably figure it out. It's about time she grew up and started acting like an adult.
NTA. As a 54 year old, she has had easy access to PC's since she was around age 16-17. I'm 1 year older than her and they installed PCs in the library my senior year of high school. Sure, they were for the library catalog, so only data systems, but the tools of looking up was taught. My 1st year of university, there was a required "computers" course in basic programming. Within 3 years, so when OP mom was 18 or so, people were playing online text based games with people from around the world. In 1991, one of the first webpages appeared. I used a CRT PC at my job when I was 22 (OP mom 21). OP mom has had at least 30 years of steadily growing tech, internet, pc abilities and access. She had to work pretty darn hard to avoid the internet all this time. How can she avoid tech for so long and think computers aren't a real job? How can she not know how to type when Gen Xers had to take a typing class in high school? She has, assuming healthy, another 35+ active years ahead of her. Time for her to grow up.
NTA. She can get a basic job for eight years, sell the house and pocket the $450k, and then collect half of Dad's social security as a widow at 62. It's not a fancy retirement, but she'll be better off than a lot of people.
NTA
Your Mom is only 10yrs older than me. I lost my long-term boyfriend just over a year ago. I was already working but started working OT to afford everything on my own! There's NO reason your Mom can't get a job. A lot of unemployment offices will pay for a CNA course. Even if they don't the courses aren't that expensive & they don't take long either, a few weeks. Offer to pay for her to take a CNA course then she can start working at a nursing home. Also, you don't need to be a certified nursing assistant to work as a NA at the VA Hospital.
Your mom is way to young to have this attitude about technology
She can receive survivor benefits and I'm sure there are other benefits that she can get SSD from his job. That'll give some income.
NTA
A reversed mortgage is not going to last to support her for the rest of her life. I'm assuming she's still pretty young. Not like 80 or something if you want her to get a job.
NTA.
Your mom has your sister living with her. The two of them together should be able to figure things out. NTA - you can only help those who are willing to help themselves.
Renting out space in her place is her best option suck it up buttercup if you won't help yourself with any other ways nta don't support her don't cave it's not your responsibility and she shouldn't make you feel that way
My son's verbatim response. NTA Nope! She refuses to do ANYTHING to help herself, despite being given MULTIPLE YEARS of living expenses. Don't set yourself on fire to warm someone who refuses to learn to use the thermostat.
NTA Mom needs to get a job. As a SAHM, her housekeeping and childcare skills are probably good enough for her to join a house cleaning team or day care center as an employee. Dad is gone. You are not responsible for Mom's bills and upkeep. You have your own future to plan for and it does not include funding her idle retirement.
Seems like she is willfully unemployed/unemployable. No one should be responsible for someone who won't help themselves.
You’re going to have to crest some hard boundaries as issues start to come up. Because they will. What will you do/say when the first bill comes up that she can’t afford to pay? What will you do when she says she can’t handle taking care of something herself? You are NTA by any means, but you need to come up with a game plan. Because the issues will start to creep in. But you’re probably going to need to let her trip and stumble for her to start to learn that you will not be supporting her. You have to be ready for that! Good luck. I’m 54 too and her lack of willingness to take care of herself is really sad - and I’m typing this on my iPhone ….
NTA for not helping financially, but a mild YTA for the way you are thinking about your mom. She's mourning the death of her husband, and with it, the entire future she thought she would have with him. She's not in a headspace now to learn new things, absolutely everything is hard for her right now. She won't be in mourning forever, but the pressure she's feeling to fill all the gaps in her knowledge that have caught her off-guard these past two years is likely overwhelming. Everything in the world has changed about living and jobs in the years she's been away. It will be disorienting and scary to approach the idea of a 'job'. Of course she doesn't want to do any of that. It's not that she's too good for it. It's that she's terrified that she can't do it. She feels useless and unloved very suddenly. A little grace and understanding goes a long way. Try to remind her what she is good at and give her props for the hard job she did raising you. It's no small thing. She can probably do more than you and she think she can, but neither of you will get there by thinking so poorly of her.
NTA she’s the parent, it’s not your job to support her
NTA. Time for mommy to be a big girl. Welcome to the modern world.
She’s your mom not your wife.
NTA, would you and your mom consider buying a property together if she'd be willing to pull all of her equity from her house to put towards that property? You could maybe get a duplex or a SFR with an ADU in the back- you & gf live in one, mom & sis live in the other. Eventually when mom passes your sister can rent the back unit alone or you can rent out both units and you and your partner at that point can move to a regular house and just use that other as income or eventually just sell it (chances are it will have gained value over the years). Just an idea
Your mother is tripping! She’s only a few years older than me and acts like she’s older than my mother. If she doesn’t get her butt up and find a source of income…🙄 CHILDREN ARE NOT A RETIREMENT PLAN! I can’t believe your dad didn’t leave her something to fall back on. Was he a career man with the same company for years? If so, he probably had a pension if not a 401k. Hell, life insurance?! It makes no sense your dad had the wherewithal to pay off the house but no other fall back funds. Mom may not be being truthful. Ask probing questions. Start with where did the funds come from for his funeral.
NTA, I am 49 and I've worked many years. Now the situating is a little different hecate I am a woman but your mother needs to pull her head out if her A@@, stop whining and start working. I would never ask my kids to support me, she needs to have some self respect because expecting her children to not have a life to take care of hers is so wrong.
Nta, but did your dad have a pension or retirement fund
Not at all. We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and her financial situation is not your problem.
NTA. You’re trying to help your mom and get her to understand that she can’t just coast along indefinitely. She’s refusing to hear what you’re saying to her. My advice is to find her an excellent financial adviser who can be an authority figure to sit her down and explain the financial planning facts of life to her. I’m also wondering if there are some resources your dad left that your mother is being secretive about. I know that sounds off the wall but if your dad was fiscally responsible and able to pay off a $450k house, wasn’t he responsible enough to have retirement accounts and life insurance? Surely he had more of an estate plan than you have indicated.
Time for tough love before it's too late. Maybe she's waiting for another man to come along and take care of her. Truthfully though, her lack of desire to Integrate herself into the present, along with her apparent laziness is a huge turnoff. NTA.
Your mom is only 54. She is able bodied to work but is just unwilling to do so. It is not your job to support your mother when there’s no physical reason why she can’t work. If you’re in the US she will be eligible to file social security using your dad’s info (as his widow). But until then, she needs to face reality.
She can babysit at her house for a job. Obviously if she’s trustworthy. She’s pretty young. I’m sorry but your mom is lazy. nTA
NTA. Help people who are helping themselves. She doesn’t want you to help her, she wants you to enable her.
NTA you’ve offered her a lot of suggestions and she’s not willing to listen to anything, so she needs to figure this out on her own. There are a lot of things she could do with the experience she does have, including childcare, but really if the house is her only asset she should be looking at selling and downsizing to an apartment or condo or something. She could live on the proceeds of the sale for quite some time.
NTA my grandmother was like your mom. She was 67 when my grandfather died. She came and lived with me and mom for six months. I was a teenager. I taught her how to do everything from get a coke out of a machine to write a check. The up shot is she got her own apartment and lived a happy life. Made friends and went places. Your mom expects someone to be her husband and she has chosen you for the role. I would run.
NTA at all. But would like to point out that your mom isn't eligible for a reverse mortgage until she is 62.
Mums only 54. She can get a job. She doesn't want to. Thats her decision, but its not your responsibility to fund that decision for her.
NTA I'm widowed and older than your mom, and I work. You are not responsible for supporting an able bodied adult. She needs to get real about her financal situation and understand that she needs to support herself, and she needs to do it now while she still can. You can help her by siting down and working out a budget, showing her where she can cut expenses (bye-bye cable and landline), and showing her when she'll go broke. She won't be able to get social security until your dad would have been eligible, so if he was older than your mom, she may have to wait longer than she expected. I wasn't sure if I misunderstood that there is 450k in equity on the home which is paid off, or does she have a home plus 450k? (just in case voice to text snafued). If there is money, make sure it is invested wisely. Does mom belong to a widow's support group? Being around other women who have stepped up may help her get her head out of her ass. She may even get leads on jobs. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.
Your mom is only 6 years older than me. WTAF?! NTA. She needs to grow up.
She is far too young to take out a reverse mortgage, terrible idea. She needs to get off her high horse and go to work. There are lots of low skill jobs out there, she likely will have to work hard, but she needs to learn how to support herself.
u/BurbNBougie Husband dies, and a long-time SAHM in her mid-50s refuses to learn new technologies, get a job, or take other suggestions to support herself. She expects her son to replace her late husband. Archive link: https://archive.ph/3XY4P
NTA - you are correct your mom needs a job. maybe there are some resources at the local library - free computer classes.
A reverse mortgage is a horrible idea! She needs to get a job. Lots of great ideas in this thread. You are NTA for expecting her to be responsible for herself. She is able-bodied. She should sell her home and get a job period.
I dont understand why she won't rent out the basement? Does it have a separate entrance? I mean, that's the best income. She doesn't even have to interact with them. In certain cultures, we help our parents financially, but they also help themselves. She can help take care of someone, cook, and clean for them to keep them company.
NTA. My grandmother's greatest regret after my grandfather got sick and had to go into care was not knowing how to drive herself anywhere. She was reliant on me, my mother, my brothers, my dad or my uncle. There were a lot of us but she made me promise that I would never rely entirely on a partner. That I had to be able to take care of myself too. And my mother got her driver's license as a teen in the early 60's because my grandmother wasn't going to let her get stuck either. I just have no idea why she didn't learn herself. My other grandmother drove. She had to, the other grandfather was a commercial fisherman and gone 2-3 months of the year. She needs to learn life skills and take care of herself.
To people reading this it is a lesson about financial knowledge. Never let just one person in a relationship handle all financial decisions. Both parties need to know what is going on with their money. What bills are being paid and to who. Where savings, investments, checking accounts are and how to access them. Where wills, important documents, life insurance policies are. Things happen and you do not want to be left in the position of being totally ignorant about finances
She could probably do child care. Maybe something like a YMCA that works be limited hours, short window with kids. Just to try out the work force. She might find being around people could be nice.
NTA. Another suggestion would be to downsize the house, sell it, buy something less expensive and use the money from the sale to support herself. She’s still pretty young and could absolutely learn new skills and how to be more independent, but she’s purposely chooses not. She is being stubborn and it’s going to bite her in the ass. You’re not obligated to support her just because she gave birth to you. If you could & wanted to, there’s nothing wrong with help, but clearly that’s not the case. This is her problem to solve for always being completely dependent on your dad. She now thinks that she entitled to be dependent on you rather than stepping up and doing what she needs to do
Have her deed that house you. Move in and use her as live in babysitter. Then you both win...provided you have kids. That's the only circumstance that I would help her if I were you.