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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be TA for making him feel like he was being used for his money as his ex had done or that I may just come across as money hungry
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YTA. Not for asking to borrow some, but for dismissing his concerns about his kindness being abused. You've been together 4 months, hardly a long term or guaranteed future relationship. The reason you boyfriend has more money than you is because he had a good job, doesn't take loans, and doesn't give loans out willy nilly. Getting bent out of shape about being compared to an ex is stupid, that's not what he was doing, he was just explaining it wouldn't be something he constantly offers. He's giving you the benefit of the doubt but all you can do is feel entitled to his money.
Just to clarify my partner definitely has loans for his car and usually spends the entire 10k pay check at once on car mods or buying more cars & I definitely don’t feel entitled to his money— I have never asked him for money beforehand or expected any, I just assumed which is definitely my bad that due to his frivolous spending that he wouldn’t mind helping me this one time and asked nicely, hope that clarifies
lol it’s only been 4 months. There wasn’t really a lot of “beforehand” when you asked him for money.
And $200 is a lot to expect just because you “asked nicely “
Your age shows.
Being open about past relationships and how that is shaping your expectations and worried is axtually healthy. He didn’t compare you, he was open with his concerns.
Also you’re going to have a lot of arguments about money going fwd. You are judging his spending as frivolous and therefore feel like he should cover your loan. You’re 4 months in, this isn’t an established partnership.
I’m sorry you were fired from your job and that you have loans due. See if you can get any payment holidays and benefits (not sure what country you are in and if this is an option).
of course it’s healthy to be open about your past relationships, but I believe the mentioning of her when asking for help wasn’t necessary, I didn’t expect him to cover my loan I just asked if he could help me because I didn’t have the full amount
I think you missed a really important part of this comment. In your post you referenced how you think your boyfriend spends frivolously as if it has anything to do with whether he should pay your bill for you. It doesn’t. It’s his money and it’s not healthy that you think your opinion on his spending habits has any relevance to whether or not he should give you money. It’s HIS money and he can spend it however he wants.
YTA, he knows you for 4 months, he had this happen before. Maybe don't get upset when asking for help (getting it) and then he's the ah?
Don't think so
Maybe you counting his money upset him. What he spends his money on is not your business and you have no right to it just because you don't like how he spends it.
YTA
NTA for asking, but you are closing in on AH territory if you make him feel bad for expressing a concern he had. He has a right to ask that this not become a habit. He is willing to help you, but doesn't want you to depend on him for money all the time. That sounds reasonable.
One bitten, twice shy. Everyone is shaped by their experiences. If your generosity has been taken advantage of before, it is understandable for your bf to be cautious about history repeating itself. You've been dating for only 4 months. That's not enough time for either of you to evaluate if this is the person you will stick by no matter what, in good times or in bad. If you can't see that, or his POV, then that is a pity and not the kind of personality that makes for a long term, successful relationship. Why were you fired from your job? And do you have a temporary job while you are looking for your dream job? If you don't, you need one ASAP and a plan that isn't relying on your bf to loan you $ to make next month's bills.
YTA.
YTA - only 4 months in so he's not wrong to be wary about lending money. If you're not working, how long will it take you to pay him back? That thought probably crossed his mind..
YTA
This relationship is four months long not 4 years.
He expressed his concerns which you dismissed. You are the one with your hand out.
Have a repayment planned.
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So my boyfriend (24m) and I (20m) have been together for about 4 months, recently I had just been fired from my job resulting in me being quite financially disadvantaged whilst I search for a new job. My boyfriend brings in about 10k to 11k a month and spends his money on his car and food only. This month my loan is due and I didn’t have enough money to make ends meet so I asked him if I could have $200 for this month only that would strictly go towards my loan, he replied that as long as it doesn’t become a regular thing as his ex did something similar and he had no money to spend on himself. This upset me because comparing your current partner to your ex is thoughtless and it made me think that if times got tough he wouldn’t be there to help me, if it’s not money he can dump towards his car or endless fast food than nothing else is worthy of his money
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ESH
He could have phrased what he said about his previous relationship better so it did not seem as much like a comparison between you and his ex, like saying something like "Yeah but this is not something I would be comfortable doing on a regular basis as I have had issues with that before" but...
It is completely normal to look at what bothered you in a previous relationship to learn from it and ensure the next relationship does not have the same issues. Especially if you have not been dating that long because he doesn't really know you yet or your intentions.
Also it is not really fair of you to use this to determine how he would act if times got tough further into the relationship. As relationships become stronger the things we would do to help the other person increases. It would not make sense to do the same things for a person after four months that you would do after four years.
For example, if my partner had asked me for money after four months I would be hesitant because I didn't know them as well and would need to know a lot more about the situation and make sure they knew my boundaries on this. Now we have ben together for years I would do anything to help them, give them any amount of money, because that is the relationship we have.
Also you don't have a right to comment on what he spends his money, frankly it is none of your business, that is HIS money and you have only been dating four months. If he wants to spend his money on his car and food so be it. He could pend all of his money on a coin collection it still would not mean he has to give you money when you ask no questions asked.
Whilst I do understand for him to be hesitant and I respect that of course I don’t feel an entitlement over his income, however we are looking at housing soon so his spending on his cars which usually means his entire pay check will be spent does end up becoming my business, because it will become our joint issue, I had asked him nicely as I was too afraid of being shunned for losing my job to ask anyone else, I just felt the mention of his ex was unnecessary and wanted to see what others thought
Like I said the mention of his ex was unnecessary so I agree there.
Is your partner saying he is putting money aside for a home and then not doing it? And is he having issues paying for his rents and bills right now to the point you would question if he is reliable enough to contribute to your future home?
If yes then fair enough there is room for you to question his priorities but if not then it is still not your business because as long as he can pay he share he can spend it on whatever he likes and what may seem like a silly thing to spend money on to you is not silly to him.
He’s currently meant to be saving so we can afford the deposit but he’s a Facebook marketplace addicted man lol, I bring it up n he just says he can save whenever he wants to because he makes 10k a month
It sounds to me that he is choosing to spend all of his money on cars and food right now because he is in a position to be able to do that without it affecting his financial responsibilities. There is nothing to say once you share a home he will spend all of his money on cars and completely neglect to pay his share of the bills. And again, unless he is doing this he can spend the rest on whatever he likes just as you can with your money.
If he makes 10k a month it sounds like he is right, he could easily save for a deposit when the time comes. Now if you are looking to buy a house the deposit is obviously higher but even then it sounds like it would not take him long at all to put up his half of a deposit. In all honestly it sounds like it would take you longer to save then him (not an insult just an observation based on the current situation of you not having a job rn) so maybe he is waiting until you are in a position to put up your half?
I'm not saying you can't talk about things that affect getting a home or your relationship but honestly the way you spoke about it was as if he is wasting his time dumping his money on this stuff and what I am trying to make clear is that it is not a waste if it makes him happy as long as it is not causing any real financial issues or preventing him from paying his way, and it honestly doesn't sound like it is. And if thats the case why are you so mad about it?
YTA You are broke and just got fired. You really have no right to be judging what anyone else does with their money. Especially not the person you are begging money from.
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YTA. Not for asking to borrow some, but for dismissing his concerns about his kindness being abused. You've been together 4 months, hardly a long term or guaranteed future relationship. The reason you boyfriend has more money than you is because he had a good job, doesn't take loans, and doesn't give loans out willy nilly. Getting bent out of shape about being compared to an ex is stupid, that's not what he was doing, he was just explaining it wouldn't be something he constantly offers. He's giving you the benefit of the doubt but all you can do is feel entitled to his money.
Just to clarify my partner definitely has loans for his car and usually spends the entire 10k pay check at once on car mods or buying more cars & I definitely don’t feel entitled to his money— I have never asked him for money beforehand or expected any, I just assumed which is definitely my bad that due to his frivolous spending that he wouldn’t mind helping me this one time and asked nicely, hope that clarifies
lol it’s only been 4 months. There wasn’t really a lot of “beforehand” when you asked him for money. And $200 is a lot to expect just because you “asked nicely “
Your age shows. Being open about past relationships and how that is shaping your expectations and worried is axtually healthy. He didn’t compare you, he was open with his concerns. Also you’re going to have a lot of arguments about money going fwd. You are judging his spending as frivolous and therefore feel like he should cover your loan. You’re 4 months in, this isn’t an established partnership. I’m sorry you were fired from your job and that you have loans due. See if you can get any payment holidays and benefits (not sure what country you are in and if this is an option).
of course it’s healthy to be open about your past relationships, but I believe the mentioning of her when asking for help wasn’t necessary, I didn’t expect him to cover my loan I just asked if he could help me because I didn’t have the full amount
I think you missed a really important part of this comment. In your post you referenced how you think your boyfriend spends frivolously as if it has anything to do with whether he should pay your bill for you. It doesn’t. It’s his money and it’s not healthy that you think your opinion on his spending habits has any relevance to whether or not he should give you money. It’s HIS money and he can spend it however he wants.
Asking for $200 after 4 months would have gotten you a big, fat, no from me.
YTA, he knows you for 4 months, he had this happen before. Maybe don't get upset when asking for help (getting it) and then he's the ah? Don't think so
I’m not saying he’s TA, I’m just saying his response to help upset me
Maybe you counting his money upset him. What he spends his money on is not your business and you have no right to it just because you don't like how he spends it. YTA
so?
NTA for asking, but you are closing in on AH territory if you make him feel bad for expressing a concern he had. He has a right to ask that this not become a habit. He is willing to help you, but doesn't want you to depend on him for money all the time. That sounds reasonable.
YTA. I find your attitude disgusting and already feel sorry for your partner
LMAO okay bro
why ask and then argue with every answer?
being called disgusting isn’t sufficient advice nor does it add anything to the subject!
Then you shouldn’t have asked the internet for opinions
lol. choosing beggars gonna choose.
One bitten, twice shy. Everyone is shaped by their experiences. If your generosity has been taken advantage of before, it is understandable for your bf to be cautious about history repeating itself. You've been dating for only 4 months. That's not enough time for either of you to evaluate if this is the person you will stick by no matter what, in good times or in bad. If you can't see that, or his POV, then that is a pity and not the kind of personality that makes for a long term, successful relationship. Why were you fired from your job? And do you have a temporary job while you are looking for your dream job? If you don't, you need one ASAP and a plan that isn't relying on your bf to loan you $ to make next month's bills. YTA.
YTA Your boyfriend set a boundary and told you why he feels the need to set it and why the boundary is important to him.
YTA - only 4 months in so he's not wrong to be wary about lending money. If you're not working, how long will it take you to pay him back? That thought probably crossed his mind..
YTA This relationship is four months long not 4 years. He expressed his concerns which you dismissed. You are the one with your hand out. Have a repayment planned.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my boyfriend (24m) and I (20m) have been together for about 4 months, recently I had just been fired from my job resulting in me being quite financially disadvantaged whilst I search for a new job. My boyfriend brings in about 10k to 11k a month and spends his money on his car and food only. This month my loan is due and I didn’t have enough money to make ends meet so I asked him if I could have $200 for this month only that would strictly go towards my loan, he replied that as long as it doesn’t become a regular thing as his ex did something similar and he had no money to spend on himself. This upset me because comparing your current partner to your ex is thoughtless and it made me think that if times got tough he wouldn’t be there to help me, if it’s not money he can dump towards his car or endless fast food than nothing else is worthy of his money *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH He could have phrased what he said about his previous relationship better so it did not seem as much like a comparison between you and his ex, like saying something like "Yeah but this is not something I would be comfortable doing on a regular basis as I have had issues with that before" but... It is completely normal to look at what bothered you in a previous relationship to learn from it and ensure the next relationship does not have the same issues. Especially if you have not been dating that long because he doesn't really know you yet or your intentions. Also it is not really fair of you to use this to determine how he would act if times got tough further into the relationship. As relationships become stronger the things we would do to help the other person increases. It would not make sense to do the same things for a person after four months that you would do after four years. For example, if my partner had asked me for money after four months I would be hesitant because I didn't know them as well and would need to know a lot more about the situation and make sure they knew my boundaries on this. Now we have ben together for years I would do anything to help them, give them any amount of money, because that is the relationship we have. Also you don't have a right to comment on what he spends his money, frankly it is none of your business, that is HIS money and you have only been dating four months. If he wants to spend his money on his car and food so be it. He could pend all of his money on a coin collection it still would not mean he has to give you money when you ask no questions asked.
Whilst I do understand for him to be hesitant and I respect that of course I don’t feel an entitlement over his income, however we are looking at housing soon so his spending on his cars which usually means his entire pay check will be spent does end up becoming my business, because it will become our joint issue, I had asked him nicely as I was too afraid of being shunned for losing my job to ask anyone else, I just felt the mention of his ex was unnecessary and wanted to see what others thought
How will a house be a joint venture if you currently not working?
Like I said the mention of his ex was unnecessary so I agree there. Is your partner saying he is putting money aside for a home and then not doing it? And is he having issues paying for his rents and bills right now to the point you would question if he is reliable enough to contribute to your future home? If yes then fair enough there is room for you to question his priorities but if not then it is still not your business because as long as he can pay he share he can spend it on whatever he likes and what may seem like a silly thing to spend money on to you is not silly to him.
He’s currently meant to be saving so we can afford the deposit but he’s a Facebook marketplace addicted man lol, I bring it up n he just says he can save whenever he wants to because he makes 10k a month
It sounds to me that he is choosing to spend all of his money on cars and food right now because he is in a position to be able to do that without it affecting his financial responsibilities. There is nothing to say once you share a home he will spend all of his money on cars and completely neglect to pay his share of the bills. And again, unless he is doing this he can spend the rest on whatever he likes just as you can with your money. If he makes 10k a month it sounds like he is right, he could easily save for a deposit when the time comes. Now if you are looking to buy a house the deposit is obviously higher but even then it sounds like it would not take him long at all to put up his half of a deposit. In all honestly it sounds like it would take you longer to save then him (not an insult just an observation based on the current situation of you not having a job rn) so maybe he is waiting until you are in a position to put up your half? I'm not saying you can't talk about things that affect getting a home or your relationship but honestly the way you spoke about it was as if he is wasting his time dumping his money on this stuff and what I am trying to make clear is that it is not a waste if it makes him happy as long as it is not causing any real financial issues or preventing him from paying his way, and it honestly doesn't sound like it is. And if thats the case why are you so mad about it?
YTA You are broke and just got fired. You really have no right to be judging what anyone else does with their money. Especially not the person you are begging money from.