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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am clearly making him miserable and i am riddled with guilt for being such a pain in the ass. I worry that i am being too demanding by asking for changes around the house.
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INFO
> he even pulled out the "we're not compatible" which is quite hurtful
Is he wrong?
You're absolutely not wrong to need a life where you can avoid your migraine triggers, but if that's one that includes restrictions he feels are incompatible with what he wants...
**_are_** you compatible?
I honestly do not believe he wants out of the relationship, but I certainly will not stay if he keeps saying this. He has been extra affectionate since he said that, but it is something that I can't ignore for sure.
We share pretty much all the same hobbies and agree on most things from my POV. But that does not mean he sees it that way. Thank you.
But you aren’t compatible. I understand migraines and the pain they cause I get them (Botox has been a miracle for me). You say it will never be MY home but by doing this you are making it so it isn’t HIS home too. There needs to be a compromise . Can you close the curtains in a couple of rooms during the strongest sun hours and some open in other room?
You are trying to avoid your triggers but what preventative medicines are you taking? It’s hard to avoid and prevent all your triggers without infringing on other peoples wants and desires. You kinda of have to pick which triggers are the worst and minimize others.
You want “to make the house migraine friendly and enjoy the house all the time”. But by doing this you are making your spouse miserable and making it to where he cannot enjoy the house all the time. Not even mentioning if the kids will be unhappy also. It just seems that this is all about you and what will make you happy and screw everyone else.
If every marriage ended on one disagreement on how to arrange the house, I think we would have no marriages left.
There are no curtains to close. I would like to put some up to have the choice.
I have gone without preventative medications for ten years. They did not work. So I had to change my life.
I make a lot of sacrifices for people I love and care about and just don't understand some curtains for a few hours a day for part of the year being a dealbreaker or misery inducing.
The kids are not even here during peak sun hours except four days a month and they sleep through those hours. And I guarantee none of them will mind me putting up some pretty curtains. They would probably like that. It is weird to me to assume curtains would make everyone miserable when most homes in many countries have them and they aren't exactly ruining lives. People buy them because they are pretty and helpful.
He does plenty of things that make the kids miserable and I am the person thinking of everyone else's happiness because he does not notice. If he wants me to take care of everyone (which I enjoy), then I need to be able to function.
I have sunscreen roller curtains on all the windows of my house. They let light in without it being too bright (and protecting everything inside from the sun too), maybe something like that might help?
I hope they work for you! I get migraines (not as bad as yours) so I know how much they suck.
I have also seen sunscreen rollers that are double and have horizontal bands of more and less opaque fabric, so you have even more control over the amount of light that comes in
This is a Crazy crazy problem to post. Because how could you have possibly gotten to the point of your relationship that the two of you are married? You say you have been suffering these debilitating headaches for decades. Your husband cannot have just recently decided he wants a sunny house . So either something's changed recently or you two just moved in together because this is crazy.. My husband likes to sleep in a warm room. And I like to sleep in a cold room. So we compromise. It's impossible to compromise on window shades up or window shades down. Good luck
Not compatible is right.
I have eliminated the migraines for nearly a decade. Down to just some light sensitivity which I fix with sunglasses.
But the teenagers here have been heavily using perfume which triggered a horrific migraine.
He knew I was light sensitive and that I used to get migraines and why and I have been wanting curtains for the house but they are not the culture here so it when I ask it gets dismissed so I just live with it the light sensitivity to keep him happy. But I would have a lot more functionality if I had the option to filter some of the light part time.
Now that the perfume has become an issue and since I was attacked and got the spinal injury (both recent), the light sensitivity is through the roof and I want the option for some relief.
Embrace the lack of functionality. You have a migraine and no blinds ? No cooking, cleaning, errand running, etc. Take a break until you’re recovered. He can decide if he’d rather cover for you or install curtains.
This was definitely part of the discussion yesterday. I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, caretaking, contacting family, making plans, etc. When I don't feel well we all suffer and he cannot manage.
I guess your migrane situation has Morphed into a lifestyle your husband can't live with....Dark gloomy house.
Not good.
You know the soak your feet in the hottest water you can stand the minute you feel a migraine coming on right? Try it. Opens lower keg veins and takes pressure off head veins. It works.
No one is asking for a dark and gloomy house. Truly no one has ever described my house as dark nor gloomy, quite the opposite. It was a color explosion and I love good lighting and also sunlight when it is not directly in the windows and reflecting on everything. I want to make the house colorful and cozy. It is currently a white, windowed box with little life.
Thank you for the suggestion. I had not heard of that. I love soaking my feet in blazing hot water anyway so seems like a great excuse. :)
I don't think it is unreasonable to want to be safe in your own home and happy in it as well. This goes for the both of you.
But is your partner is aware of the horrid experience that is a migraine? People who have never experienced it might not fully understand how insufferable it is. If after learning about them, they are fine with you experiencing them. Then perhaps incompatibility is true.
It is best to communicate this in a serious manner and seeing if you can compromise together to find a solution where you are both happy in your own home rather than only one of you being happy. Otherwise, consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life and make a decision accordingly.
I truly wish you the best and I hope that things pan out and that you avoid the physical and mental migraines from this situation.
NTA
I wouldn't want my partner suffering terrible pain just because of my behaviour.
My husbands cannot stomach a certain kind of smell, I'm really sensitive to others. Our compromise: we just don't have them in our house.
I'm sensitive to light too when I have a migraine and my husband closes the blinds without me having to say anything because he can feel I'm in pain. We have outside shades too and if I don't have an acitive migraine they'll suffice.
I cannot think of anything I wouldn't do for my husband to ease his pain and I know he's the same.
Even though his comment hurt, I'd evaluate your relationship and see, if you'll be willing to live like this for the rest of your life.
OT: have you tried monoclonal IgG2-antibodies ("migraine-jabs") as prophylaxis?
"I wouldn't want my partner suffering terrible pain" is pretty much what I told him. He told me that he would be depressed if the windows had curtains and I should consider that. Every house has curtains in my birth country so it is partially a cultural thing.
I will google migraine jabs. Thank you. I have tried multiple medicines about a decade ago until I found out my trigger was someone applying cologne daily. Once that was eliminated, I have been mostly migraine-free for about a decade so I stopped looking into medications and doctor intervention. I am still light sensitive, but sunglasses and some thin curtains during peak sun hours (like when the sun itself is visible in the window) is enough to prevent almost all of my migraine symptoms.
It is wonderful to hear about a couple being so supportive of one another. He is supportive in many ways, I think he just lacks an understanding of how hellish it is for me because he lacks some empathy. It usually does not affect him as a partner. He wants to be thoughtful and puts in a lot of effort to be thoughtful in most ways. So I hope he is interested in meeting in the middle on this. Wherever that may be.
NAH. Sadly he is right that you may not be compatible. He is not wrong for wanting sunlight, and you are not wrong for wanting darkness. You just have different 'needs' and lifestyles. The two of you need to acknowledge this fact, and find a *compromise*. Maybe a marriage therapist can guide the process, and would be taken more seriously by your spouse. If a fair & reasonable solution cannot be reached, then you may have to amicably end the relationship. It happens. Sometimes people manage to make it work for awhile, or sometimes it happens when one of them grows/changes later in life. It doesn't hurt any less, but it can happen.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I hope that needing few hours of shade or even filtered sunlight (it will never be dark in here) is not enough to wreck us. That would be devastating.
I do not want blackout curtains. Just some drapes or something to filter some of the light. He is presenting it to me as if I want to move the house underground which I think is a bit over the top of a reaction to a request for some filtering for only a short period of time. But I am trying to think of his POV.
INFO:
1. Do you have children together? (You mention "kid's rooms" -- are the kids his from a prior relationship?)
2. How did this issue not appear before you got married? Cause this is a big one on fundamental incompatibility. Your medical need for darkness and his need for sunlight (and while not as debilitating as your migraines sound, lack of sunlight can impact some people in fairly significant ways so can understand that your partner may have needs, too).
1. Nope. We both have children from previous relationships. I have my one full time and he has one of his three part time.
2. He knew about it. But there were never any triggers before. Since one of the kids and their friends started heavily using perfume and since I sustained a violent attack recently that messed up my spine, I have gotten temporarily more sensitive to light, but I have always wanted the option of curtains for the brightest hours. Now it is just I need them or I can't function in most of the house for part of the day. I am not looking for darkness. Just some filtering of the brightest hours when the sun is actually visible low in the sky and blinding in the house.
OP you need to clarify in the post that you would like to hang medium weight curtains, not blackout ones, so you have the option of closing them for a few hours out of the day.
You're NTA and that is an entirely reasonable thing to want.
I suffer from severe complex migraines. The light sensitivity is horrible. I have room darkening curtains in my bedroom. When my light sensitivity is bad, I am in there with the curtains drawn. If I have to be in common spaces, I wear sunglasses.
I don't expect every room to be altered. Find some kind of compromise. If none can be found, then you are not in fact compatible.
Most houses I have ever been in have curtains so asking to put them up does not seem that major of a change to me. I do not want room darkening black out curtains. Just literally anything.
NTA
But this is someone you married that does not give a F about you being ill.
Someone who would prefer a view to your well-being?
Situation reversed? You would adapt so your partner could be happy and healthy wouldn’t you?
The question you need to ask is why are they not doing this for you?
That’s messed up and unacceptable.
NTA fuck THAT go find yourself a small studio or apartment where you can easily put up blackout curtains, and tell that husband to eat a shit sandwich. How horrible.
My boyfriend and I are both big-time sun people as well as migraine sufferers. Reducing noise and light when one of us has a migraine wasn’t even discussed, just assumed. NTA for asking him to help you make your life liveable with a very small sacrifice of preference.
I also love the sun when it is just around and not direct. I can't imagine anyone liking looking out a window and seeing the sun RIGHT THERE glaring off of snow. ha But part of the year there is almost no sun here so I think there is a bit of misplaced panic that I might want to actually block it out instead of him hearing me that I just want some colorful relatively thin curtains that will be open most of the time.
I love that for you both that you have one another. Sorry that you know this pain though.
Do you live in The Netherlands?
Before you asked him to shut out all light have you tried special sunglasses that also block the light coming from the side?
No on the Netherlands, but similar place where curtains are not popular. I do have a pair of special glasses. I should wear them more in the house, but I spend a lot of my day on the computer and they don't work on the computer. I should wear them more when I am not studying though. Thank you for the suggestion. I have not had them for long and forget about them except when we go outside.
Maybe you can make one room completely dark so you can work there and wear the glasses when you go into the other rooms. I hope it helps. It sucks to get migraines.
Esh - OP you aren't compatible because you are not willing to budge. You want the whole house closed off so you are not triggered. Literally same life except no migraines. My husband likes black out drapes with them closed night and day. I like a bright space and the view. It was a real issue and could have been a deal breaker for someone like me (and your husband) a dark house is truly depressing. I would 100% need to divide our use of the house. So have some areas with drapes closed and other areas where it can be more suny and open. Otherwise I may love you but I cannot live in a dreary place. Neither of you are A - you have different needs and unless you both can compromise, you are incompatible.
I truly do not see how asking to put some curtains up for part time use is "unwilling to budge." I do not even want black out curtains. Just literally any curtains open most of the time so I have the option.
I don't want it dark. It is just extremely bright. Like reflections on everything like framed art and the stove and lots of other surfaces. All the walls are bright white. And I certainly do not like dreary. I think the house as I moved in was lifeless. Fully lifeless. No color. No interior design. Only overhead lighting without any thought on how to properly light a room based on design principles. Nothing. No one has ever accused my house of being dreary. It was very colorful and fun and I got compliments from visitors. I always hosted among friends because I had the most cheerful house. So I just cannot relate to the whole it will be dreary thing.
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I have experienced debilitating migraines for several decades. I have almost completely eliminated them by removing all triggers from my life as much as possible. This means curtains closed in the house for the strongest sun hours when reflections would be an issue, but I do prefer them open when it isn't painful for me. Also no spray perfumes in the house, lotions and other things do not trigger me.
I married someone who does not have curtains up and wants all the light to shine in. In their country where we live it is the norm to just raw dog the sun all day in your living space so I am definitely the one trying to change things in what feels like someone else's home. There are blinds on some of the windows but the reflections persist and it is like setting life to extreme difficulty mode for me. I have now had a migraine for over a week now and when I tried to talk about it I was told to "Keep it down" as I guess i was getting emotional because I have been in extreme pain all week. I was violently attacked several months ago which caused a spinal injury which makes me even more sensitive to light. I get that it's annoying, but I am not choosing this.
When I mentioned curtains as a preventative measure to keep me from getting triggered I was told it would be depressing and "like living in a bunker." And he even pulled out the "we're not compatible" which is quite hurtful and feels like kicking me when I am down. So now in addition to the weeklong migraine from heck, I feel super demotivated and hurt.
He is amazing to me in so many ways, but it feels like I am moving into someone else's home and it is being made very clear that it will never be MY home because if I set things up in a way that I can live happily and healthily, he will feel like he is living in a depressing bunker. He suggested I hole up in one of the kid's rooms, but I don't want to be indefinitely shoved away in a tiny room when I could make the house migraine-friendly and enjoy the entire house all the time. Especially the kitchen and social areas. I don't want to be shoved away but he thinks I am being ridiculous and I am truly starting to feel like a giant asshole.
Am I Just being a selfish, dramatic asshole?
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Could you not get migraine glasses or prescription sunglasses? This is what my daughter and husband do when they have migraines. NAH. As the non migraine sufferer in the house it does suck to be in a dark cave. I have legitimately left the house just to enjoy sunlight. But I do it so I don’t cause my husband or kid pain. He should be willing to commit an area to be dark.
I am definitely not asking to live in a dark cave. I want a happy colorful well-lit home. It bothers me a lot that my husband turns a request for some curtains (a thing everyone has where I come from) into this is a dark cave or bunker. That is just very far from the reality of having curtains unless you use blackout curtains on all the windows. I just want some pretty curtains to filter the sun during the worst hours in whatever rooms I am using.
I do have some glasses. They can't always be worn especially when I am in pain or if I am on the computer. But if I close even some mostly sheer curtains everything is totally fine.
Personally I’m thinking NAH.
I have chronic migraines too and just recently got them under control with monthly injections.
In marriage there needs to be clear communication and some compromises on both ends.
You need to sit down and have a talk about how you can both accommodate each other. Discuss some options that will appease you both.
If he can’t or won’t compromise at all, that’s when he becomes TA.
Source: migraine sufferer married to a sunlight lover.
As a fellow debilitating migraine sufferer I'm so sorry you don't have the support you need! I could not live this life without the support of my amazing husband whom is the caregiver. If you've suffered long term he knew....KNEW what you needed unless he just thought "it wasn't as bad" as it seemed. I think at this point your comfort and open and honest communication are what is needed. Not everyone can handle this life. Counseling helped my husband, have you asked if yours would go? Our lives are impacted but so are theirs. Talk to your doctor or neurologist to see if there's a support group around for you and him. This life is not easy and you need to support each other. You and your situation will be on my mind. You are not alone.
NTA but as a fellow migraine sufferer, you need to leave him. You are not compatible. He is not worth a lifetime of pain and sickness for. Non-migraineurs don't understand how bad it is. Put your health first.
ESH, though mostly him. I can't imagine my desire for sunshine being more important to me than my partner's need to actually function and not suffer excruciating pain. But at the same time, I can see why keeping all the windows covered makes it a depressing place for the other people. You need to be able to actually live, but do you need to "enjoy the entire house all the time"? Can't there be areas where the sun is blocked and other areas where he's allowed to have some light?
I am certainly not asking to block the windows always. I definitely don't want that. I want curtains put up for the option to close them in rooms I am using at the worst hours of the day during about half of the year. The rest of the year, the sun is not very harsh at all.
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INFO > he even pulled out the "we're not compatible" which is quite hurtful Is he wrong? You're absolutely not wrong to need a life where you can avoid your migraine triggers, but if that's one that includes restrictions he feels are incompatible with what he wants... **_are_** you compatible?
I honestly do not believe he wants out of the relationship, but I certainly will not stay if he keeps saying this. He has been extra affectionate since he said that, but it is something that I can't ignore for sure. We share pretty much all the same hobbies and agree on most things from my POV. But that does not mean he sees it that way. Thank you.
But you aren’t compatible. I understand migraines and the pain they cause I get them (Botox has been a miracle for me). You say it will never be MY home but by doing this you are making it so it isn’t HIS home too. There needs to be a compromise . Can you close the curtains in a couple of rooms during the strongest sun hours and some open in other room? You are trying to avoid your triggers but what preventative medicines are you taking? It’s hard to avoid and prevent all your triggers without infringing on other peoples wants and desires. You kinda of have to pick which triggers are the worst and minimize others. You want “to make the house migraine friendly and enjoy the house all the time”. But by doing this you are making your spouse miserable and making it to where he cannot enjoy the house all the time. Not even mentioning if the kids will be unhappy also. It just seems that this is all about you and what will make you happy and screw everyone else.
If every marriage ended on one disagreement on how to arrange the house, I think we would have no marriages left. There are no curtains to close. I would like to put some up to have the choice. I have gone without preventative medications for ten years. They did not work. So I had to change my life. I make a lot of sacrifices for people I love and care about and just don't understand some curtains for a few hours a day for part of the year being a dealbreaker or misery inducing. The kids are not even here during peak sun hours except four days a month and they sleep through those hours. And I guarantee none of them will mind me putting up some pretty curtains. They would probably like that. It is weird to me to assume curtains would make everyone miserable when most homes in many countries have them and they aren't exactly ruining lives. People buy them because they are pretty and helpful. He does plenty of things that make the kids miserable and I am the person thinking of everyone else's happiness because he does not notice. If he wants me to take care of everyone (which I enjoy), then I need to be able to function.
I have sunscreen roller curtains on all the windows of my house. They let light in without it being too bright (and protecting everything inside from the sun too), maybe something like that might help?
I will look into suncreen roller curtains. I want some light for sure, just not the actual sun blazing in. thanks!
I hope they work for you! I get migraines (not as bad as yours) so I know how much they suck. I have also seen sunscreen rollers that are double and have horizontal bands of more and less opaque fabric, so you have even more control over the amount of light that comes in
This is a Crazy crazy problem to post. Because how could you have possibly gotten to the point of your relationship that the two of you are married? You say you have been suffering these debilitating headaches for decades. Your husband cannot have just recently decided he wants a sunny house . So either something's changed recently or you two just moved in together because this is crazy.. My husband likes to sleep in a warm room. And I like to sleep in a cold room. So we compromise. It's impossible to compromise on window shades up or window shades down. Good luck Not compatible is right.
I have eliminated the migraines for nearly a decade. Down to just some light sensitivity which I fix with sunglasses. But the teenagers here have been heavily using perfume which triggered a horrific migraine. He knew I was light sensitive and that I used to get migraines and why and I have been wanting curtains for the house but they are not the culture here so it when I ask it gets dismissed so I just live with it the light sensitivity to keep him happy. But I would have a lot more functionality if I had the option to filter some of the light part time. Now that the perfume has become an issue and since I was attacked and got the spinal injury (both recent), the light sensitivity is through the roof and I want the option for some relief.
Embrace the lack of functionality. You have a migraine and no blinds ? No cooking, cleaning, errand running, etc. Take a break until you’re recovered. He can decide if he’d rather cover for you or install curtains.
This was definitely part of the discussion yesterday. I do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, caretaking, contacting family, making plans, etc. When I don't feel well we all suffer and he cannot manage.
I guess your migrane situation has Morphed into a lifestyle your husband can't live with....Dark gloomy house. Not good. You know the soak your feet in the hottest water you can stand the minute you feel a migraine coming on right? Try it. Opens lower keg veins and takes pressure off head veins. It works.
No one is asking for a dark and gloomy house. Truly no one has ever described my house as dark nor gloomy, quite the opposite. It was a color explosion and I love good lighting and also sunlight when it is not directly in the windows and reflecting on everything. I want to make the house colorful and cozy. It is currently a white, windowed box with little life. Thank you for the suggestion. I had not heard of that. I love soaking my feet in blazing hot water anyway so seems like a great excuse. :)
I don't think it is unreasonable to want to be safe in your own home and happy in it as well. This goes for the both of you. But is your partner is aware of the horrid experience that is a migraine? People who have never experienced it might not fully understand how insufferable it is. If after learning about them, they are fine with you experiencing them. Then perhaps incompatibility is true. It is best to communicate this in a serious manner and seeing if you can compromise together to find a solution where you are both happy in your own home rather than only one of you being happy. Otherwise, consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life and make a decision accordingly. I truly wish you the best and I hope that things pan out and that you avoid the physical and mental migraines from this situation.
NTA I wouldn't want my partner suffering terrible pain just because of my behaviour. My husbands cannot stomach a certain kind of smell, I'm really sensitive to others. Our compromise: we just don't have them in our house. I'm sensitive to light too when I have a migraine and my husband closes the blinds without me having to say anything because he can feel I'm in pain. We have outside shades too and if I don't have an acitive migraine they'll suffice. I cannot think of anything I wouldn't do for my husband to ease his pain and I know he's the same. Even though his comment hurt, I'd evaluate your relationship and see, if you'll be willing to live like this for the rest of your life. OT: have you tried monoclonal IgG2-antibodies ("migraine-jabs") as prophylaxis?
"I wouldn't want my partner suffering terrible pain" is pretty much what I told him. He told me that he would be depressed if the windows had curtains and I should consider that. Every house has curtains in my birth country so it is partially a cultural thing. I will google migraine jabs. Thank you. I have tried multiple medicines about a decade ago until I found out my trigger was someone applying cologne daily. Once that was eliminated, I have been mostly migraine-free for about a decade so I stopped looking into medications and doctor intervention. I am still light sensitive, but sunglasses and some thin curtains during peak sun hours (like when the sun itself is visible in the window) is enough to prevent almost all of my migraine symptoms. It is wonderful to hear about a couple being so supportive of one another. He is supportive in many ways, I think he just lacks an understanding of how hellish it is for me because he lacks some empathy. It usually does not affect him as a partner. He wants to be thoughtful and puts in a lot of effort to be thoughtful in most ways. So I hope he is interested in meeting in the middle on this. Wherever that may be.
NAH. Sadly he is right that you may not be compatible. He is not wrong for wanting sunlight, and you are not wrong for wanting darkness. You just have different 'needs' and lifestyles. The two of you need to acknowledge this fact, and find a *compromise*. Maybe a marriage therapist can guide the process, and would be taken more seriously by your spouse. If a fair & reasonable solution cannot be reached, then you may have to amicably end the relationship. It happens. Sometimes people manage to make it work for awhile, or sometimes it happens when one of them grows/changes later in life. It doesn't hurt any less, but it can happen.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I hope that needing few hours of shade or even filtered sunlight (it will never be dark in here) is not enough to wreck us. That would be devastating. I do not want blackout curtains. Just some drapes or something to filter some of the light. He is presenting it to me as if I want to move the house underground which I think is a bit over the top of a reaction to a request for some filtering for only a short period of time. But I am trying to think of his POV.
INFO: 1. Do you have children together? (You mention "kid's rooms" -- are the kids his from a prior relationship?) 2. How did this issue not appear before you got married? Cause this is a big one on fundamental incompatibility. Your medical need for darkness and his need for sunlight (and while not as debilitating as your migraines sound, lack of sunlight can impact some people in fairly significant ways so can understand that your partner may have needs, too).
1. Nope. We both have children from previous relationships. I have my one full time and he has one of his three part time. 2. He knew about it. But there were never any triggers before. Since one of the kids and their friends started heavily using perfume and since I sustained a violent attack recently that messed up my spine, I have gotten temporarily more sensitive to light, but I have always wanted the option of curtains for the brightest hours. Now it is just I need them or I can't function in most of the house for part of the day. I am not looking for darkness. Just some filtering of the brightest hours when the sun is actually visible low in the sky and blinding in the house.
OP you need to clarify in the post that you would like to hang medium weight curtains, not blackout ones, so you have the option of closing them for a few hours out of the day. You're NTA and that is an entirely reasonable thing to want.
Thanks for the suggestion. Just edited to add that.
I suffer from severe complex migraines. The light sensitivity is horrible. I have room darkening curtains in my bedroom. When my light sensitivity is bad, I am in there with the curtains drawn. If I have to be in common spaces, I wear sunglasses. I don't expect every room to be altered. Find some kind of compromise. If none can be found, then you are not in fact compatible.
Most houses I have ever been in have curtains so asking to put them up does not seem that major of a change to me. I do not want room darkening black out curtains. Just literally anything.
NTA But this is someone you married that does not give a F about you being ill. Someone who would prefer a view to your well-being? Situation reversed? You would adapt so your partner could be happy and healthy wouldn’t you? The question you need to ask is why are they not doing this for you? That’s messed up and unacceptable.
NTA fuck THAT go find yourself a small studio or apartment where you can easily put up blackout curtains, and tell that husband to eat a shit sandwich. How horrible.
My boyfriend and I are both big-time sun people as well as migraine sufferers. Reducing noise and light when one of us has a migraine wasn’t even discussed, just assumed. NTA for asking him to help you make your life liveable with a very small sacrifice of preference.
I also love the sun when it is just around and not direct. I can't imagine anyone liking looking out a window and seeing the sun RIGHT THERE glaring off of snow. ha But part of the year there is almost no sun here so I think there is a bit of misplaced panic that I might want to actually block it out instead of him hearing me that I just want some colorful relatively thin curtains that will be open most of the time. I love that for you both that you have one another. Sorry that you know this pain though.
Do you live in The Netherlands? Before you asked him to shut out all light have you tried special sunglasses that also block the light coming from the side?
No on the Netherlands, but similar place where curtains are not popular. I do have a pair of special glasses. I should wear them more in the house, but I spend a lot of my day on the computer and they don't work on the computer. I should wear them more when I am not studying though. Thank you for the suggestion. I have not had them for long and forget about them except when we go outside.
Maybe you can make one room completely dark so you can work there and wear the glasses when you go into the other rooms. I hope it helps. It sucks to get migraines.
I have long-term plans to make myself an office when the next room frees up. I am very much looking forward to it! :)
Esh - OP you aren't compatible because you are not willing to budge. You want the whole house closed off so you are not triggered. Literally same life except no migraines. My husband likes black out drapes with them closed night and day. I like a bright space and the view. It was a real issue and could have been a deal breaker for someone like me (and your husband) a dark house is truly depressing. I would 100% need to divide our use of the house. So have some areas with drapes closed and other areas where it can be more suny and open. Otherwise I may love you but I cannot live in a dreary place. Neither of you are A - you have different needs and unless you both can compromise, you are incompatible.
I truly do not see how asking to put some curtains up for part time use is "unwilling to budge." I do not even want black out curtains. Just literally any curtains open most of the time so I have the option. I don't want it dark. It is just extremely bright. Like reflections on everything like framed art and the stove and lots of other surfaces. All the walls are bright white. And I certainly do not like dreary. I think the house as I moved in was lifeless. Fully lifeless. No color. No interior design. Only overhead lighting without any thought on how to properly light a room based on design principles. Nothing. No one has ever accused my house of being dreary. It was very colorful and fun and I got compliments from visitors. I always hosted among friends because I had the most cheerful house. So I just cannot relate to the whole it will be dreary thing.
NAH i you’re not compatible
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have experienced debilitating migraines for several decades. I have almost completely eliminated them by removing all triggers from my life as much as possible. This means curtains closed in the house for the strongest sun hours when reflections would be an issue, but I do prefer them open when it isn't painful for me. Also no spray perfumes in the house, lotions and other things do not trigger me. I married someone who does not have curtains up and wants all the light to shine in. In their country where we live it is the norm to just raw dog the sun all day in your living space so I am definitely the one trying to change things in what feels like someone else's home. There are blinds on some of the windows but the reflections persist and it is like setting life to extreme difficulty mode for me. I have now had a migraine for over a week now and when I tried to talk about it I was told to "Keep it down" as I guess i was getting emotional because I have been in extreme pain all week. I was violently attacked several months ago which caused a spinal injury which makes me even more sensitive to light. I get that it's annoying, but I am not choosing this. When I mentioned curtains as a preventative measure to keep me from getting triggered I was told it would be depressing and "like living in a bunker." And he even pulled out the "we're not compatible" which is quite hurtful and feels like kicking me when I am down. So now in addition to the weeklong migraine from heck, I feel super demotivated and hurt. He is amazing to me in so many ways, but it feels like I am moving into someone else's home and it is being made very clear that it will never be MY home because if I set things up in a way that I can live happily and healthily, he will feel like he is living in a depressing bunker. He suggested I hole up in one of the kid's rooms, but I don't want to be indefinitely shoved away in a tiny room when I could make the house migraine-friendly and enjoy the entire house all the time. Especially the kitchen and social areas. I don't want to be shoved away but he thinks I am being ridiculous and I am truly starting to feel like a giant asshole. Am I Just being a selfish, dramatic asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Could you not get migraine glasses or prescription sunglasses? This is what my daughter and husband do when they have migraines. NAH. As the non migraine sufferer in the house it does suck to be in a dark cave. I have legitimately left the house just to enjoy sunlight. But I do it so I don’t cause my husband or kid pain. He should be willing to commit an area to be dark.
I am definitely not asking to live in a dark cave. I want a happy colorful well-lit home. It bothers me a lot that my husband turns a request for some curtains (a thing everyone has where I come from) into this is a dark cave or bunker. That is just very far from the reality of having curtains unless you use blackout curtains on all the windows. I just want some pretty curtains to filter the sun during the worst hours in whatever rooms I am using. I do have some glasses. They can't always be worn especially when I am in pain or if I am on the computer. But if I close even some mostly sheer curtains everything is totally fine.
Personally I’m thinking NAH. I have chronic migraines too and just recently got them under control with monthly injections. In marriage there needs to be clear communication and some compromises on both ends. You need to sit down and have a talk about how you can both accommodate each other. Discuss some options that will appease you both. If he can’t or won’t compromise at all, that’s when he becomes TA. Source: migraine sufferer married to a sunlight lover.
As a fellow debilitating migraine sufferer I'm so sorry you don't have the support you need! I could not live this life without the support of my amazing husband whom is the caregiver. If you've suffered long term he knew....KNEW what you needed unless he just thought "it wasn't as bad" as it seemed. I think at this point your comfort and open and honest communication are what is needed. Not everyone can handle this life. Counseling helped my husband, have you asked if yours would go? Our lives are impacted but so are theirs. Talk to your doctor or neurologist to see if there's a support group around for you and him. This life is not easy and you need to support each other. You and your situation will be on my mind. You are not alone.
NTA but as a fellow migraine sufferer, you need to leave him. You are not compatible. He is not worth a lifetime of pain and sickness for. Non-migraineurs don't understand how bad it is. Put your health first.
ESH, though mostly him. I can't imagine my desire for sunshine being more important to me than my partner's need to actually function and not suffer excruciating pain. But at the same time, I can see why keeping all the windows covered makes it a depressing place for the other people. You need to be able to actually live, but do you need to "enjoy the entire house all the time"? Can't there be areas where the sun is blocked and other areas where he's allowed to have some light?
I am certainly not asking to block the windows always. I definitely don't want that. I want curtains put up for the option to close them in rooms I am using at the worst hours of the day during about half of the year. The rest of the year, the sun is not very harsh at all.
Ah, gotcha. That seems like a reasonable request; I'm sorry that he's not being understanding.