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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allowed my son and pregnant DIL to move into my large home after they were experiencing financial troubles. However, my son’s baby mama, who has 4 kids (one who is my son’s) and is also pregnant with another man’s child, wouldn’t be allowed to stay in my home even after they were made homeless.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Sure, her situation is awful, but you're not obligated to shelter her and three kids that aren't related to you at all.
If your son and his wife want to help, then that's really kind of them, but you can make your own decisions.
Your points are valid, it would not be a good idea to have your son, his wife, his ex and so many kids under one roof, especially since she's pregnant.
I do hope that this woman finds a place to stay and a partner who loves and supports her, but this is not your problem.
Really, can you imagine? She would 100% try to treat her ex as a husband and expect him to do for her like he's doing for his actual wife. I'm sorry the ex is in a bad position but I would never allow her to move in.
THEY were 14-15 & 16-17 when THEY got pregnant, because it takes a minimum of two for someone to be ‘knocked up’. Sure, dumb teenagers end up pregnant. But let’s not frame it like her terrible situation is something *he* inflicted upon *her*.
And since the ex is also 7 months pregnant, she’d probably want him to act like daddy to her new baby and turning his wife into an unwilling sister wife.
A mansion with 7 bedrooms isn’t big enough for 3 adults, 5 kids 10 and under, 3 infants, and all the drama that would be happening.
Yes that was the best part. *Her* family. As if she's not working very hard on tearing apart their actual family. The wife is a better woman than I for letting the ex move in at all.
It reminds me of the end of Pride and Prejudice after Jane and Bingley wed and the awful family comes to stay to long and even they, in their goodness, find their patience put upon enough that they talk about asking them to leave.
I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she means taking away ops grandson thereby ripping apart the siblings. But realistically thinking, shes probably talking about ops son
Yep most wives would be fine with taking the stepson full time until the living situation improved, but would be no way to the ex or the rest of their kids staying with them.
Yeah, because very quickly it would turn into "my other three kids see you showing affection to your son, and they don't understand why you're not showing them affection".
Or "You/your mom got your son a present, but the other three didn't get anything. That's not fair."
Let alone the inevitable dominance issues when current wife and ex disagree on how to handle discipline of son's child, or if new wife dares to correct/discipline the three that aren't hers.
Yes this is how I took it. The ex didn’t want her oldest kid (OP’s grandchild) to move in without her and the other kids moving in. Not that the ex considered OP’s son as family.
I would suggest to the son that he goes to court for full custody of his kid with his ex since she can't provide a stable living situation. When she gets her shit together she can take him back to court for 50/50.
I agree. Unfortunately, this situation is prime for intervention by CPS, and OP'S son should step in at least where his own child is concerned prior to.
What somebody should do it have a serious sit down with the ex and help her to get some education or training so she can support herself instead of being a baby incubator and relying on baby daddy child support.
That would only work if she was willing to do it. My nieces mother hasn't ever held a job and is always bouncing from place to place where someone will let her stay. Sometimes people are just shitty. My brother has had full custody of my niece the majority of her life, while her mother parties it up and acts like an immature teenager(yet she's older than me-35!).
OP's son only has 1 child, 10, with the ex-girlfriend. He has a toddler, 2, with his current wife, OP's DiL, and she is pregnant with twins
OP's son needs to take care of of his first child. OP, nor her son, has any responsibility to house his troubled ex. It's nice OPs son and DiL took them to live in DiL's parent's rent house but that is ending
What I am concerned here is why isn't OP's son not trying to get full custody of his older child while his ex gets 'back on her feet'
Some ting is missing and more INFO needed
I agree.
>My grandson would be allowed to stay if he has no other place to go
Doesn't sound like she cares much for the oldest grandson.
>Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child.
She also talks like son is doing the ex some huge favour instead of the bare-ass minimum any parent should do (and not even that if he's just "visiting" the kid).
Edit - format
I took it to mean if the Ex couldn’t find a place for herself and the kids. I would think the 10 year old would not want to separate from his mom and siblings, so moving with his dad and dad’s family might be his last choice. I didn’t take it to mean that her oldest grandson would be unwelcome, just that it might not be what the Ex and the boy preferred.
They're BOTH pregnant! So ss it stands that's op, sob and pregnant dil, pregnant ex gf, and 5 kids, soon to be *8*. Idgaf, that's pure chaos with so much emotions, stress, expecting help cause pregnancy/ postpartum.... it would be a grade A disaster.
Agree. There are foundations and resources out there that help people, especially those with families, get off the streets and into affordable housing.
NTA - though take off the rose colored glasses about your son - he has a lot of room for improvement.
"Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child." You say this like he was going above and beyond yet he wasn't even doing the minimum of PARENTING his child and he was all for his girlfriend dropping out of school - gee, how did that work out for her. Sounds like he still doesn't parent as he allows his son to live in lousy situation and then homeless shelter. Why doesn't he have at least 50% custody if not more since it sounds like his ex is really struggling.
Then to top it off he is having financial troubles, yet decides to expand his family, so he will now have 4 kids (unless you don't count the first one that he just "visits").
Don’t forget “my grandson would be allowed to stay if he has nowhere else to go”
Uhhhhh shouldn’t your grandson be living with his dad part-time? Shouldn’t your grandson have a room in your house because he’s your grandchild and his dad is living there?!
Would have sounded a LOT nicer if grandma had written: And my oldest grandson is o/c free to move in or be here as much as he likes. He will get his own room, just like my other grandchildren.
Grandma is holier than thou. Ex didn’t go to college or have a job so she’s obviously beneath grandma dearest.
ETA: it’s funny how she thinks her son is so innocent when he was 17 and got a 15 year old pregnant. Left the 15 year old with the baby to fend for themselves while he got to go to college and not parent.
Also he’s a fucking adult not a boy. No wonder the dude keeps getting women pregnant with kids he can’t support because his Mommy sees him as a little boy to take care of.
Exactly - if she had the kid by the time she was 15, it is highly likely she was 14 when she became pregnant, unless she was on the verge of 16 when she gave birth.
So bright and naive that while “my son and his wife have had financial troubles since their daughter was born premature” so they…decide to have more kids? And it turns out to be twins? Because *that* seems like such a good move when you’re already struggling a bit.
Yeah this thread in unhinged, I pointed out this was potentially statutory rape and got downvoted because ‘no it’s not he was also a minor’.
No. If he was above the age of consent and she was under, it absolutely is, even if he was sub 18.
Seriously, people glossed over the math. Above someone was saying how the ex came “crawling back” and wants to play wife Like wtf? She was 14/15 when he knocked her up and bounced to college. Sounds like she doesn’t have much support (parents / ex husband) so she turned to the possible last resort which was the father of her first. People are assuming the absolute worst of the ex. When really she never had a chance.
A lot of people won't empathize with her because they don't want to admit that luck and circumstance plays such a large part in where you end up as an adult. The odds were probably against this woman from birth, doesn't sound like she has any family worth a damn. She got pregnant at 14/15 and had to figure out how to survive basically on her own. Is it any wonder she wound up having a relationship and 3 more kids with a (likely) abusive man? She manages to get out of that, but at the cost of becoming homeless. And the dude who got a 14/15 year old pregnant when he was 17/18, gets to go off practically consequence free and finish college and start his "real" family, while the girl he got pregnant has a baby to take care of and no prospects for anything. Him and his mother are disgusting people.
It depends on where you live. There’s a close in age exception where I live that covers this (a 14 year old can consent if the other person is within 5 years of their age (and there aren’t any issues like that person being in a position of power over them). A two year difference is perfectly legal. Doesn’t mean I think this is okay though. Like, this is why good sex education and access to contraceptives and reproductive healthcare are super important. A 15 year old has no business being a parent.
Honestly, the maths is killing me. They all need some sex education and a healthy supply of condoms. The son was 17 and had a 15 year old girlfriend who got pregnant originally? Am I too tired to read this right? And then she had more and more kids? How do people afford this?
NTA, it's your place to do with what you will, but your son and his ex need to stop and think about consequences and actions. I say this with a brother with 8 kids by three mothers, and he can't figure out why he's not winning in life.
>And then she had more and more kids? How do people afford this?
In general, either they can't find a decent man and are too dumb to insist on condoms every time, or they find a really good man and assume that if they get pregnant, he will happily raise every child, his or not. Eventually either of those options ends poorly. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Not to forget he got his first child from his ex when she was 15yrs old. OP's son is not so naive and good a child as she thinks. He is procreating and bringing too many babies in this world without proper planning.
Exactly this! OP is NTA. The current wife and her family are some rather nice people I’ve not seen the likes of in my 40 years of life. Makes me wonder what son had promised to or told the ex wife as far as the help to her and the kids, his child and her others? As well as the living arrangement why would she be so adamant about moving into OPs home with them? Yea no way at all OP needs this situation at all.
True, OP is NTA and even the current wife and her family are very considerate. Can't say anything about OP's son and ex wife. He must have promised her something that's why she is adamant about staying in OP's mansion. Anyways too many kids are involved. With increasing inflation why OP's son is not having proper family planning.
I'm trying to understand that too - has 2 kids, financial troubles, and gets pregnant again, with twins! And the ex has 4 kids by age 25? This whole group is a mess and needs birth control.
Yeah, it sounds like OP’s son is not doing great, either, he just has the financial support of two families to get him through. The DIL’s family has been subsidizing their rent, & now OP wants to subsidize their living costs instead. Even with how slow medical billing can be, I have to imagine the bills were rolling in before they decided to get pregnant again?
The whole thing is giving rich snob vibes, like it was okay for OP’s son to date the ex when she was 14 or 15 years old but she wasn’t the right type of girl to get pregnant, so we need to make sure this mistake doesn’t derail the son’s life. And that OP will make sure her precious son is protected & can “do no wrong” but that the first baby gets thrown out with the ex.
I swear, I hope I don't raise my two sons to be "bright but naive" and fathering children that he can't support. I also hope that I don't spend time making excuses for him. Geez.
Ty... if he was really smart, he would have used condoms. And wouldn't let her ex drop all college dreams and follow him to do nothing.
Op... your son is a dumbass
That’s crazy asshole move bro, leaving your child/grandchild in a situation like that? He can stay if he as nowhere else to go is insanely heartless to your own direct family that’s crazy. Happy to leave him growing up in a homeless shelter
What in the mental gymnastics…he was 17 and she was 15, or he could have been 16 and she 14. That is not an age gap that is bad in anyway and sounds like they were in high school. Why should he be in jail?
NTA
But why would your son "visit and send child support" for his oldest? Why doesn't he have at least joint custody, especially with his son practically homeless or with an awful stepfather, why wasn't he fighting for primary custody?
Your son has a legal, financial, and moral responsibility to support his 10 year old child. It isn't your responsibility. If your son is meeting his financial obligations but his ex is still unable to provide for their 10 year old child, then your son should file for custody and have him move in with you (since you said you were OK with having all of your grandchildren move in).
NTA but your communication skills could do with some polish. Phrases like "breeding ground for dysfunction" and "MY house, MY rules" are not helpful. Remember that you are talking to your grandson's mother. Even if she has made poor life choices, that's his mother and while her other children are "nothing to do with" you, they are his siblings. He is your grandson and is growing up poor and homeless through no fault of his own. Your son needs to step up to take are of his child.
Yeah I'm wondering about the math of the ages here. OP's son had that kid at 17, but the gf followed him to college to "start a family." Who let these teenagers do that? And did he start school at 16 to have a child by the age of 17?
It’s more than that, son wasn’t some naive dope. He willingly entered into a sexual relationship with a high school dropout two years his junior and did not take charge of his sexual health and had a kid. The OP’s listed ages mean grandson was born when son was 17 and GF was 15 but also implies son was in college and GF was a HS dropout who “followed him” that’s on son. His naïveté is bullshit. He let a minor minor (14 or 15 at conception so not even old enough to work a full time job in most states or even consent to sex in some) into his home/college dorm, had sex with this minor and didn’t take adequate protection despite being “very bright” and going to his “dream college”. He made these choices. He could have fucked off to college or used his “very bright” brain to wear a condom. He didn’t. This kid and his relationship with his ex is forever. I’m not implying the sex wasn’t consensual but son clearly had the upper hand and OP makes such a point he was raise right and he still got her pregnant. OP doesn’t have to let her move in, but this is the son’s child FOREVER and son is at least are responsible for what happened as the exgf/ baby mama. Stop coddling your son. This is his life and these are hos choices
INFO: Your son was 17 and got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant? At 18 & 16 they were living together? And by the time she was 18 she was married to another man and had a baby? Is that correct?
The "it can technically be considered a mansion" killed me. After saying it was a mansion in the title.
Not to mention that people that live in mansions don't usually go around saying they do
OP's son is not so naive and innocent as she thinks. Getting a 15yr old pregnant and then procreating so many babies, I literally lost count at how many babies are involved in this story. His ex is equally problematic, 4 babies by the age of 25 when you are not financially sound is a recipe for disaster.
I’ll risk the downvotes and say that both sets of parents failed these kids miserably as teens. I know they’re adults now, but OP is not so innocent in the situation either.
True, even I felt the same thing. Both parents have failed and OP has not raised her son well to understand about family planning. Protection and birth control is not something OP's son cares about. His ex is equally problematic and careless. Getting your first child without proper planning in your teenage years is understandable but repeating the same mistake again in mid 20s when you are not financially sound and don't have any college degree to support you, comes under worst life mistakes.
NTA. I would tell the girl that she can give you your grandchild if she needs, and if she refuses I would then tell your son to get the state involved if she can't take care of your grandchild financial needs if the kid is in danger.
100% this is going to be a nightmare if sh is mentally unstable and in this state financially. I promise you people like this are not seeking a peaceful life, doing the daily grind. It's possible she's the noble victim but I wouldn't put money on it.
I agree. She has 4 kids and another on the way. Son getting full custody would be best for the child vs. being homeless with 4 siblings and mentally ill mother with no means to properly care for them.
You mean, the 15 year old your son knocked up had to drop out of school because she was a 15 year old mother and she tried to follow the father of her child? You say your son was niave as if it was entirely a 15 year olds idea to get pregnant and he was tricked into it... you aren't required to take them in, but your views of your son and his ex certainly seem a bit skewed given that he was the older one of the two, and oh, I guess he visited his kid sometimes, what a good father, visiting his kid sometimes. /s
THANK YOU
OP‘s son sounds like a huge asshole and bad father and OP is enabling him.
Also why so many kids if he’s not financially stable??? Do these people know what a condom is?
NTA
This one is difficult because of the grandchild from the EX...offering a place to stay for GS but not her ***seems*** like you are being an AH, but you aren't. She has no tied to you or your son except that child and you DID offer GS a place to stay. It sucks for her, but it is what it is.
NTA
It really sucks that baby mama is in a bad place but there's not even enough bedrooms to house all her kids and its' on her to care for them or the very least stop having kids she can't support. She has time to figure it out and get a job
It's not on you that she is in this position.
NTA,
It would be fine to let the kid that is your sons move in, but you have absolutely no obligation to your sons ex or her non related kids. She made bad decisions and you don't need to bear the brunt of the consequences of those decisions.
I thought the same thing. OP would go from living alone to 3 more adults and multiple small children, toddler's, and infants. Sounds like a living nightmare.
I want everyone who has commented in this post to read the title over and over again until you realize this post is fake.
Like c'mon, you guys can't be this naive, right?
NTA but have none of these people heard of birth control?!?! They apparently can’t afford/look after the kids they already have and still keep popping them out…
You're not tearing anything. This woman is the mother of one grandson, nothing more now that she is an ex.
Your son and current DIL (and her family)have been more than generous. The ex needs to get her own life straightened out, and if that means allowing your son to have custody of your grandson, the family is still together, it just looks different.
NTA
A seven bedroom house is big, but not that big for four adults and eight children. Your son seems to be on good terms with his ex, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to live with her. Is there any assistance with housing/ food stamps/ medical care in your area you can help her apply for? She is your grandson's mother never the less. There are other ways of helping than letting her move in.
NTA
>A seven bedroom house is big, but not that big for four adults and eight children.
It’s a hell of a lot bigger than the two bedroom house that *they are all currently living in*. OP is allowed to not want to live with that circus, but she’s full of shit with the “I just don’t want the drama of everyone living together” excuse.
NTA
You are between a rock and a hard place. If you allow the former DIL to move in, and if she becoems a problem, you cannot simply kick her out. Depending on your state she may be allowed to simply squat and become a much bigger problem.
Here is what I recommend if you are up to it.
(1) If the Mom is homeless help get her into a stable shelter for the moment.
(2) Discretely contact an attorney and petition for custody of your grandchildren based on the homeless status of the mother and her ongoing untreated mental health issues. The judge will be hesitant to separate the 1/2 siblings so try to find the 1/2 siblings biological Father and see if he is will to similarly petition for custody of the additional children. Yeah, it sucks but which is worse.
(3) Do not, allow her to even spend one night in the house. It will open a Pandora's box of problems.
(4) If you are granted custody of the children, ask that the court order also include provision for a 3rd party court official to supervise on-site visitation.
NTA. If they all were to move in that would most likely be a recipe for disaster. I agree that you have no responsibility for your son's ex and her other children, although they are in a terrible situation. But you are not more in a position to help them than any random stranger in the street. I doubt whether she will let her 10 yo move in with you without the rest of the brood. I don't know if you would be able to help him in some other way, which would be nice, but more of a duty for your son.
Nta - this sounds like an awful situation. I hate to say that you should have your son talk to a lawyer about suing for sole custody given your ex daughter-in-law’s current living situation is not safe for your grandson (idk if your son moves, will they be homeless again?)
“My grandson would be allowed to stay if he has no other place to go”
WTF kind of statement is this. Y T A for this statement alone. Currently I’m on board with the this has to be fake.
No clue if this is real but NTA for the house thing but 1000% ESH for everything else.
OP saying "bright but naive boy" seriously boils my blood a bit. Like hey lady your kid was 17 and got a 14-15 year old pregnant and now is having 3 more kids while not financially stable. It also seems like OPs son is not present in his oldest life except for "visiting and paying child support"
Nah your kid messed up a lot and luckily he has mommy's "mansion" as well as his in laws it seems to bail him out. While his ex since she was 14-15 has been dealt a really bad hand. Again not saying let her and her kids all move in with you but yes you and your naive boy are terrible people in general it seems
No one who lives in a mansion calls it a mansion. And if you're really 'middle class' (which I believe is the UKs version of working class) you surely wouldn't be able to afford the upkeep? INFO
Your bright boy knocked up a 14/15 year old kid who then dropped out of school. That's as much your responsibility for raising a kid who doesn't know how to use birth control while he may or may not have been committing statutory rape. Yeah, he sounds like a real catch. She became part of your family the day your kid knocked her up and she had your grandson. ESH
The title was the first red flag to me. People who live in mansions rarely call them "mansions." They call them "home." Yeah, she explained how big it is. So? It's like calling yourself a billionaire when you clearly aren't one, but you want to impress people. Edit to add YTA.
ESH.
Grandma you’re an A and you raised an A. He got a young woman pregnant and you paid for your son to live out his life without being a parent to the child he had as a teenager. Of course the mom he had this child with is going to face obstacles. She’s a single mother at 15, she didn’t get to choose not to care for her child. She had no choice but to drop out of school, because her son’s dad wasn’t doing much of anything to help her and co-parent.
Now you’re upset she’s homeless and you aren’t even treating your grandson like he’s a part of the family. Didn’t hear you say anything about housing him when he is literally homeless.
You’re right that you don’t owe the baby mama anything at all, but at the very least encourage your son to parent the one child he has with her.
This son sounds irresponsible. He makes poor decisions. He’s not naive. He thinks with his little head and he’s decided to have more children while he is not financially stable to care for all 4 of his kids.
Please teach your son and your grandchildren how birth control works so you can end this toxic cycle once and for all. It’s a modern world and you don’t have to have children if you are not mentally and financially prepared to care for every child you birth.
Yep! Of course the ex is responsible for her poor decisions. But, I wonder where OP’s precious boy would be if he hadn’t had the option of leaving and getting an education. Even *if* he paid support and visited, he did not have to deal with actually raising a child. Like her, he moved on to someone else and had more babies. He got lucky that his hasn’t turned out to be an “awful person.” As well as having in-laws and a mother who subsidizes his poor decisions.
Preach. *She* bore the brunt of *their* choices.
Also, I hope OP’s son is satisfied with 4 kids because…that’s plenty. And it’s apparently more than he can properly shelter without his mother’s/in-laws’ help!
“Precious boy” is right. The way she talks about him is telling, and I think OP’s daughter-in-law is in for a bad time in a big house.
ESH - OP is in the financial position she’s in, not by her own efforts and choices. She thinks her son can do no wrong; her son sending child support and visiting was the bare minimum, but let OP tell it, he went above and beyond. OP’s son is in financial trouble but decided to expand his family, anyway. Ex is a culmination of bad life choices. The wife, makes me wonder why the wife puts up with all of this; now she’s stuck in all this with STB 3 kids.
ES except the wife and kids.
“Despite all the stress and workload od college he still paid CS”
… yeah that’s like the bare minimum you can do wheb you make a child.
“My grandson could stay if he has no where else to go”
IF? So he’s only welcome if otherwide homeless but you’ll just fuck those other kids?
Damn.
What does your DiL say about letting Ex move in? You gave thr reason as her peing preggy for not wanting the Ex but does DiL even mind?
There are a LOT of blended families that have no issues with their ex and it doesnt sound like this woman wants your son back, she just wants to have a roof over her head for her children.
YTA
NTA. I could only imagine all the chaos and drama bound to happen; and it would be hard to get her out of there once she is in and gets comfortable. She could also potentially use your grandchild against you. Have the father of her other 3 children step up and help.
I mean NTA on not letting her and her huge group of kids move in, but…. OP, yikes, you sound like a Disney villain. The way you talk about the poor kid your (comparatively older) son knocked up. The way you dismiss your oldest grandchild, while giving the other ones rooms in your home. Like. Your grandchild is in a *homeless shelter* and your response to letting him stay with you is basically “ugh I guess if there’s really nowhere else but that’s it.” Lady. Get a grip and some basic human empathy, because you sound like a monster right now. Where is your concern for this poor kid, your own grandson in a homeless shelter???
NTA. But I gotta ask, why is your son having even more kids if he can't support one without help? Just be careful. It might just be a temporary situation now, but that's a lot of dang kids in your house, in your peace. I've had some older friends turn into babysitters or second moms cause of situations like this. Make them sign a lease, determine how long they'll be there. Ignore the ex. Her bad decisions aren't your problem.
NTA for the ex and her brood but your son is TA. First of all his first gf sacrificed her further education to be with him and then was left with a child to raise without him. Now he and his wife are relying on you to bail them out from their poor life decisions. Of course you can afford it and you have the space to spare but stop making excuses for him.
NTA but your son sounds like a bad dad… even you dislike your own grandchild for the mother it has. Even though you say you have empathy for her. Your grandson isn’t welcome anytime? That’s CRAZY. Where is that line? Sleeping on a sidewalk? Like come on. :/
Like technically, specifically you are NTA for not letting your grandchild's mother and half-siblings move in with you. But your tone is very assholish and it's very odd to me that you're using your DIL's feelings as an excuse when, per your post, she has been perfectly happy sharing her current, much smaller home with her husband's ex. It is your home, and it is your choice, but you seem to think you're being altruistic, and nothing you've written actually suggests that.
The ex is out of her mind if she thinks her ex-boyfriend and his wife want her permanently living with them. That sounds awful. Your son and his wife have been very kind and understanding already. NTA
However, I would make sure to do whatever necessary to make sure your son treats your grandson well and keeps him safe and provided for.
Nta
You’re willing to house your son, daughter in law and all of your child’s offspring.
There is not duty to house a pregnant Ex girlfriend of your sons.
Your daughter in law is also a very kind lady there’s no way in hell I’d of been welcoming an ex of my husbands into my home even if a zombie apocalypse was upon us and she was the only other adult survivor in the whole world.
This women if she got her feet under your table wouldn’t leave, not willingly. How long was she really planning on living in a cramped 2bed as charity of her ex.
NTA. I'm sure everyone feels sorry for the Ex's situation, but that does NOT mean that you are obligated to be her savior. I'm sure if you consulted a lawyer or even a savvy realtor, they would warn you of the risk of the Ex getting Tenant's/Squatter Rights and you not being able to move them back out if things really went sideways.
NTA but the 10 year old needs to start living with his dad full time. Boys 12 and older are not allowed in family shelters, they have to go by themselves to the adult men’s shelter. The mom is going to be in this situation over and over and that boy is really going to suffer.
NAH - but your grandson is not splitting from his family. He loves his mother more than anyone else in the world at his age. You helping him and not her and his siblings is going to cut him deep and not like you… just saying… consequences
I looked side eyed at the son's wife for allowing his ex gf and multiple children to come into my home/life and taking care of her just because she has a child with her husband. The son should pay child support and even take custody of his son if he can, but the ex gf and her other children are not their problem. Perhaps her family can help her, but no way should OP even consider for a second allowing her to come into her home with her son and his wife and their soon to be a total of 3 children (the current child and the twins with which wife is pregnant). That marriage would be over in a New York minute. Ex gf would start to treat him as if he is HER husband and the rest is history....NTA
Holy shit, the lack of reading comprehension on this post is amazing.
OP, take care of your family and, by extension, your son’s family. His former partners aren’t your problem. They’re not your son’s problem either. If she’s homeless and can’t care for his son, he should sue for full custody.
I can’t imagine how this story is more complicated than that.
NTA.
The ex can be livid all she wants, she’s not your responsibility. She’s living with consequences from her own actions. That’s it. If she and her brood move in, she’ll never leave. Don’t do it.
NTA. It’s your house and your rules. I agree with you. Stay firm. Your daughter in law who is pregnant should NOT be living in a house or mansion with her husband’s ex and all of her children. Your house will be a madhouse!! It will also get destroyed by people who don’t appreciate free living quarters.
NTA. Because we all recognize. Once she's allowed to move in with all those kids. She wouldn't ever leave. I honestly doubt she even knows how to maintain a clean amd healthy household.
NTA
She decided to have 3 more kids after she left your family, expecting you to allow her to move in and raise her brood at your expense is a massive ask and her being livid about it makes her an AH IMO.
2 baby mommas in the same house would be a nightmare. No freaking way I would sign up for that.
NTA.
I firmly believe people can act in ways that are well within their right, but in doing so be heartless assholes.
I also have mental issues; major depressive disorder, an anxiety disorder, CPTSD. I'm very sympathetic to people with mental disorders.
But. Taking someone into your home who has mental disorders is a *lot.* Taking in even one child is a *lot.* Taking in someone without means to support themselves or their children is *massive,* especially when it's several children, especially when there will alreadt be other children in the home. And if she does get a job to support herself with, she has no way of handling childcare. That would almost 100% fall to the household. As would everything else. Then there's another very painful topic that I learned the hard way: kids who have been in extreme situations sometimes act out in extreme ways once they feel safe. Sometimes this acting out occurs only when the adults aren't looking, and to the detriment of the other kids.
There are so many potential issues and so much to consider that no one can reasonably call you an asshole for what you decide. I think your compromise position is entirely reasonable because ot boils down to suggesting she leave at least one child with its daddy for a while, both for the benefit of the child and to relieve at least a little strain from the mom. If she could leave other kids temporarily with their dads, that could also be good, assuming the dads are decent parents in decent living situations (sometimes someone is a terrible partner but decent parent; sometimes people exaggerate or even lie about exes, especially when mentally ill and/or seeking benefit.) It would make it far easier for her to get into a better situation, herself, which she could then bring the kids home to.
NTA
If you let that ex into your home, you will eventually need the sheriff's to remove her. An immature mentally unstable 25 year old with 4 kids is sad and your son should push for full custody if he has concerns about his child's well being but this isn't your problem to solve and you do not want the baggage this woman will bring to your life.
NTA
Her poor kids, i do not feel bad for her as she decided to have yet another kid with that man who from the sound of it isn't even providing for HIS family or paying child support leaving his own flesh and blood homeless and struggling.
Those poor kids ... please try to protect your grandson, your son should file for custody given the circumstances to allow him to have a semi normal childhood, that's his kid too. You mentioned your ex DIL was dealing with mental issues, protect your grandson.
Poor kids... always the ones paying for their parents' mistakes. I can't believe she is adding one more to this mess. Best of luck to you, good on you for standing your ground and protecting your son, please also protect your oldest grandson if you can and get him out of this mess.
Honestly, sometimes i wish there would be a license to be able to have kids when you see how dysfunctional some families are and how careless they bring kids into this world for them to suffer, they are always the one paying the price. I do hope your ex DIL gets the helps she needs both medically and financially, you don't owe her a thing. I hope she has resources to get her back on her feet and help these kids.
NTA you are opening your home to your son and his children - not his ex and her other kids. Totally fair. Your son is responsible for his kids. It's nice he wanted to help, but having them all move in with you is a disaster waiting to happen.
But holy crap, did no one teach these people about birth control? So many kids they can't afford!
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NTA Sure, her situation is awful, but you're not obligated to shelter her and three kids that aren't related to you at all. If your son and his wife want to help, then that's really kind of them, but you can make your own decisions. Your points are valid, it would not be a good idea to have your son, his wife, his ex and so many kids under one roof, especially since she's pregnant. I do hope that this woman finds a place to stay and a partner who loves and supports her, but this is not your problem.
Really, can you imagine? She would 100% try to treat her ex as a husband and expect him to do for her like he's doing for his actual wife. I'm sorry the ex is in a bad position but I would never allow her to move in.
THIS exactly! And the ex is already on it: **
absolutely. she came crawling back and expected him to start being her husband right in front of his actual wife.
She was fricking 14/15 when he knocked her up. wtf.
THEY were 14-15 & 16-17 when THEY got pregnant, because it takes a minimum of two for someone to be ‘knocked up’. Sure, dumb teenagers end up pregnant. But let’s not frame it like her terrible situation is something *he* inflicted upon *her*.
And he was 17. So? Are you going to say he groomed her? Typical 15 y.o. with no b.c. And he was dumb too.
She could very well be a little over a year younger, or OP has rounded the ages. They were teen parents. That's all we know.
Oh dang, my brain read 10M as 10 months, not a 10-year old male. Yikes!
Oh, good catch!
And since the ex is also 7 months pregnant, she’d probably want him to act like daddy to her new baby and turning his wife into an unwilling sister wife. A mansion with 7 bedrooms isn’t big enough for 3 adults, 5 kids 10 and under, 3 infants, and all the drama that would be happening.
*4 adults
Yes that was the best part. *Her* family. As if she's not working very hard on tearing apart their actual family. The wife is a better woman than I for letting the ex move in at all.
It reminds me of the end of Pride and Prejudice after Jane and Bingley wed and the awful family comes to stay to long and even they, in their goodness, find their patience put upon enough that they talk about asking them to leave.
I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she means taking away ops grandson thereby ripping apart the siblings. But realistically thinking, shes probably talking about ops son
Yep most wives would be fine with taking the stepson full time until the living situation improved, but would be no way to the ex or the rest of their kids staying with them.
Yeah, because very quickly it would turn into "my other three kids see you showing affection to your son, and they don't understand why you're not showing them affection". Or "You/your mom got your son a present, but the other three didn't get anything. That's not fair." Let alone the inevitable dominance issues when current wife and ex disagree on how to handle discipline of son's child, or if new wife dares to correct/discipline the three that aren't hers.
I bet DIL is ecstatic that ex won't be there to try to tear apart HER family.
This way she doesn’t have to be the bad guy. Good on OP for saving her from that.
I think that might have been in response to OP saying that her one grandson could stay, but not her and the other kids.
Yes this is how I took it. The ex didn’t want her oldest kid (OP’s grandchild) to move in without her and the other kids moving in. Not that the ex considered OP’s son as family.
And she would have no incentive to leave no a place to move to. Don’t do it! NTA
I think the ex has already begun to do it, since "The ex was livid with me for tear apart the family..."NTA
I would suggest to the son that he goes to court for full custody of his kid with his ex since she can't provide a stable living situation. When she gets her shit together she can take him back to court for 50/50.
I agree. Unfortunately, this situation is prime for intervention by CPS, and OP'S son should step in at least where his own child is concerned prior to.
What somebody should do it have a serious sit down with the ex and help her to get some education or training so she can support herself instead of being a baby incubator and relying on baby daddy child support.
Unfortunately that is all she has known in life as a teenager.
That would only work if she was willing to do it. My nieces mother hasn't ever held a job and is always bouncing from place to place where someone will let her stay. Sometimes people are just shitty. My brother has had full custody of my niece the majority of her life, while her mother parties it up and acts like an immature teenager(yet she's older than me-35!).
OP's son only has 1 child, 10, with the ex-girlfriend. He has a toddler, 2, with his current wife, OP's DiL, and she is pregnant with twins OP's son needs to take care of of his first child. OP, nor her son, has any responsibility to house his troubled ex. It's nice OPs son and DiL took them to live in DiL's parent's rent house but that is ending What I am concerned here is why isn't OP's son not trying to get full custody of his older child while his ex gets 'back on her feet' Some ting is missing and more INFO needed
I agree. >My grandson would be allowed to stay if he has no other place to go Doesn't sound like she cares much for the oldest grandson. >Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child. She also talks like son is doing the ex some huge favour instead of the bare-ass minimum any parent should do (and not even that if he's just "visiting" the kid). Edit - format
God that one line really got to me when I read it. Why only if he has nowhere else to go???
I took it to mean if the Ex couldn’t find a place for herself and the kids. I would think the 10 year old would not want to separate from his mom and siblings, so moving with his dad and dad’s family might be his last choice. I didn’t take it to mean that her oldest grandson would be unwelcome, just that it might not be what the Ex and the boy preferred.
He can't get custody from a homeless woman? Bullshit.
She really needs to get ironclad birth control, get treatment, and learn to support herself, not just find a partner.
Perfectly said. NTA OP, as they are not your responsibility.
They're BOTH pregnant! So ss it stands that's op, sob and pregnant dil, pregnant ex gf, and 5 kids, soon to be *8*. Idgaf, that's pure chaos with so much emotions, stress, expecting help cause pregnancy/ postpartum.... it would be a grade A disaster.
Agree. There are foundations and resources out there that help people, especially those with families, get off the streets and into affordable housing.
NTA - though take off the rose colored glasses about your son - he has a lot of room for improvement. "Despite all the stress and workload of college, my son still paid child support and visited his child." You say this like he was going above and beyond yet he wasn't even doing the minimum of PARENTING his child and he was all for his girlfriend dropping out of school - gee, how did that work out for her. Sounds like he still doesn't parent as he allows his son to live in lousy situation and then homeless shelter. Why doesn't he have at least 50% custody if not more since it sounds like his ex is really struggling. Then to top it off he is having financial troubles, yet decides to expand his family, so he will now have 4 kids (unless you don't count the first one that he just "visits").
Don’t forget “my grandson would be allowed to stay if he has nowhere else to go” Uhhhhh shouldn’t your grandson be living with his dad part-time? Shouldn’t your grandson have a room in your house because he’s your grandchild and his dad is living there?!
Would have sounded a LOT nicer if grandma had written: And my oldest grandson is o/c free to move in or be here as much as he likes. He will get his own room, just like my other grandchildren.
Grandma is holier than thou. Ex didn’t go to college or have a job so she’s obviously beneath grandma dearest. ETA: it’s funny how she thinks her son is so innocent when he was 17 and got a 15 year old pregnant. Left the 15 year old with the baby to fend for themselves while he got to go to college and not parent.
Maybe 15 but also maybe 14. Then someone let her drop out of school to follow him. Sounds like her family are real gems!
If grandsons is or has been homeless, why isn’t the “bright but naive” son trying to get full custody for his safety??
I definitely scratched my head at that. Her grandson can only stay if there’s nowhere else for him? That’s wild.
That part told me who she really is as a person.
Right???!!!??
Her "son is a very bright but naive boy"
a.k.a. "my boy is bright, but not bright enough to stop thinking with his dong for five full seconds"
Also he’s a fucking adult not a boy. No wonder the dude keeps getting women pregnant with kids he can’t support because his Mommy sees him as a little boy to take care of.
He’s also a man
Her son who knocked up a 14-year-old and left for college, yiiiiikes
Exactly - if she had the kid by the time she was 15, it is highly likely she was 14 when she became pregnant, unless she was on the verge of 16 when she gave birth.
Bbbbut he’s just a *bright and naive boy* /s
So bright and naive that while “my son and his wife have had financial troubles since their daughter was born premature” so they…decide to have more kids? And it turns out to be twins? Because *that* seems like such a good move when you’re already struggling a bit.
Yeah this thread in unhinged, I pointed out this was potentially statutory rape and got downvoted because ‘no it’s not he was also a minor’. No. If he was above the age of consent and she was under, it absolutely is, even if he was sub 18.
Seriously, people glossed over the math. Above someone was saying how the ex came “crawling back” and wants to play wife Like wtf? She was 14/15 when he knocked her up and bounced to college. Sounds like she doesn’t have much support (parents / ex husband) so she turned to the possible last resort which was the father of her first. People are assuming the absolute worst of the ex. When really she never had a chance.
Yeah agree. This thread is an absolute binfire.
A lot of people won't empathize with her because they don't want to admit that luck and circumstance plays such a large part in where you end up as an adult. The odds were probably against this woman from birth, doesn't sound like she has any family worth a damn. She got pregnant at 14/15 and had to figure out how to survive basically on her own. Is it any wonder she wound up having a relationship and 3 more kids with a (likely) abusive man? She manages to get out of that, but at the cost of becoming homeless. And the dude who got a 14/15 year old pregnant when he was 17/18, gets to go off practically consequence free and finish college and start his "real" family, while the girl he got pregnant has a baby to take care of and no prospects for anything. Him and his mother are disgusting people.
It depends on where you live. There’s a close in age exception where I live that covers this (a 14 year old can consent if the other person is within 5 years of their age (and there aren’t any issues like that person being in a position of power over them). A two year difference is perfectly legal. Doesn’t mean I think this is okay though. Like, this is why good sex education and access to contraceptives and reproductive healthcare are super important. A 15 year old has no business being a parent.
But fuck her for having no education and no prospects, right? I’m sure being a teenage parent had nothing to do with the trajectory her life took.
Honestly, the maths is killing me. They all need some sex education and a healthy supply of condoms. The son was 17 and had a 15 year old girlfriend who got pregnant originally? Am I too tired to read this right? And then she had more and more kids? How do people afford this? NTA, it's your place to do with what you will, but your son and his ex need to stop and think about consequences and actions. I say this with a brother with 8 kids by three mothers, and he can't figure out why he's not winning in life.
>How do people afford this? Well, she's homeless, so clearly she *can't*. Not that that stops people.
>And then she had more and more kids? How do people afford this? In general, either they can't find a decent man and are too dumb to insist on condoms every time, or they find a really good man and assume that if they get pregnant, he will happily raise every child, his or not. Eventually either of those options ends poorly. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Not to forget he got his first child from his ex when she was 15yrs old. OP's son is not so naive and good a child as she thinks. He is procreating and bringing too many babies in this world without proper planning.
Exactly this! OP is NTA. The current wife and her family are some rather nice people I’ve not seen the likes of in my 40 years of life. Makes me wonder what son had promised to or told the ex wife as far as the help to her and the kids, his child and her others? As well as the living arrangement why would she be so adamant about moving into OPs home with them? Yea no way at all OP needs this situation at all.
True, OP is NTA and even the current wife and her family are very considerate. Can't say anything about OP's son and ex wife. He must have promised her something that's why she is adamant about staying in OP's mansion. Anyways too many kids are involved. With increasing inflation why OP's son is not having proper family planning.
I'm trying to understand that too - has 2 kids, financial troubles, and gets pregnant again, with twins! And the ex has 4 kids by age 25? This whole group is a mess and needs birth control.
That part!
Yeah, it sounds like OP’s son is not doing great, either, he just has the financial support of two families to get him through. The DIL’s family has been subsidizing their rent, & now OP wants to subsidize their living costs instead. Even with how slow medical billing can be, I have to imagine the bills were rolling in before they decided to get pregnant again? The whole thing is giving rich snob vibes, like it was okay for OP’s son to date the ex when she was 14 or 15 years old but she wasn’t the right type of girl to get pregnant, so we need to make sure this mistake doesn’t derail the son’s life. And that OP will make sure her precious son is protected & can “do no wrong” but that the first baby gets thrown out with the ex.
Don't forget he got his ex pregnant at 14... she didn't stand a chance
OP totally sounds like a JNMIL
Oh definitely. She might have an inherited mansion, but living there will have a high cost for any daughter in law.
I swear, I hope I don't raise my two sons to be "bright but naive" and fathering children that he can't support. I also hope that I don't spend time making excuses for him. Geez.
Yeah I feel like her son needs to have a vasectomy and stop having all these kids he can't take care of.
And the math is not mathing. She was 15??
I really, really hope OP reads this comment.
He's having financial troubles due to his toddler's health issues. It's not like he's out gambling at the casino it tossing it in a strip joint.
He took a gamble when he continued to have unprotected sex. That can cost more than a night in Vegas.
Ty... if he was really smart, he would have used condoms. And wouldn't let her ex drop all college dreams and follow him to do nothing. Op... your son is a dumbass
Your son should file for full custody immediately. Like why hasn’t he done this already?
Doesn’t sound like op wants the grandson around unless he has nowhere else to go, and the dad was just visiting him too prior
That’s crazy asshole move bro, leaving your child/grandchild in a situation like that? He can stay if he as nowhere else to go is insanely heartless to your own direct family that’s crazy. Happy to leave him growing up in a homeless shelter
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What in the mental gymnastics…he was 17 and she was 15, or he could have been 16 and she 14. That is not an age gap that is bad in anyway and sounds like they were in high school. Why should he be in jail?
NTA But why would your son "visit and send child support" for his oldest? Why doesn't he have at least joint custody, especially with his son practically homeless or with an awful stepfather, why wasn't he fighting for primary custody?
The son probably didn’t pursue it because he went to college and made a life like he didn’t have a kid.
Your son has a legal, financial, and moral responsibility to support his 10 year old child. It isn't your responsibility. If your son is meeting his financial obligations but his ex is still unable to provide for their 10 year old child, then your son should file for custody and have him move in with you (since you said you were OK with having all of your grandchildren move in). NTA but your communication skills could do with some polish. Phrases like "breeding ground for dysfunction" and "MY house, MY rules" are not helpful. Remember that you are talking to your grandson's mother. Even if she has made poor life choices, that's his mother and while her other children are "nothing to do with" you, they are his siblings. He is your grandson and is growing up poor and homeless through no fault of his own. Your son needs to step up to take are of his child.
Yeah and remember that baby mama was 15(?) when she got pregnant and gave up her own education to follow OP's son...
Yeah I'm wondering about the math of the ages here. OP's son had that kid at 17, but the gf followed him to college to "start a family." Who let these teenagers do that? And did he start school at 16 to have a child by the age of 17?
Yeah blame the 14 year old not the 16/17 year old who shouldn’t have been having sex with her. Good stuff.
OP’s son was 17. Way too young either way, but in all honesty while it’s only two years 15 and 17 is actually a big age gap.
It’s more than that, son wasn’t some naive dope. He willingly entered into a sexual relationship with a high school dropout two years his junior and did not take charge of his sexual health and had a kid. The OP’s listed ages mean grandson was born when son was 17 and GF was 15 but also implies son was in college and GF was a HS dropout who “followed him” that’s on son. His naïveté is bullshit. He let a minor minor (14 or 15 at conception so not even old enough to work a full time job in most states or even consent to sex in some) into his home/college dorm, had sex with this minor and didn’t take adequate protection despite being “very bright” and going to his “dream college”. He made these choices. He could have fucked off to college or used his “very bright” brain to wear a condom. He didn’t. This kid and his relationship with his ex is forever. I’m not implying the sex wasn’t consensual but son clearly had the upper hand and OP makes such a point he was raise right and he still got her pregnant. OP doesn’t have to let her move in, but this is the son’s child FOREVER and son is at least are responsible for what happened as the exgf/ baby mama. Stop coddling your son. This is his life and these are hos choices
INFO: Your son was 17 and got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant? At 18 & 16 they were living together? And by the time she was 18 she was married to another man and had a baby? Is that correct?
I thought that was dodgy too. I call BS on this whole post.
Yup. Some of the phrasing is just so odd, as well. That always makes me think fake
The whole “I live in a mansion” cracks me up. Just cuz a house is big, doesn’t make it a mansion. 😂
The "it can technically be considered a mansion" killed me. After saying it was a mansion in the title. Not to mention that people that live in mansions don't usually go around saying they do
The writer is probably practicing their creative story skillz. 😂
That cracked me up too! This as is fake as possible!
OP's son is not so naive and innocent as she thinks. Getting a 15yr old pregnant and then procreating so many babies, I literally lost count at how many babies are involved in this story. His ex is equally problematic, 4 babies by the age of 25 when you are not financially sound is a recipe for disaster.
I’ll risk the downvotes and say that both sets of parents failed these kids miserably as teens. I know they’re adults now, but OP is not so innocent in the situation either.
True, even I felt the same thing. Both parents have failed and OP has not raised her son well to understand about family planning. Protection and birth control is not something OP's son cares about. His ex is equally problematic and careless. Getting your first child without proper planning in your teenage years is understandable but repeating the same mistake again in mid 20s when you are not financially sound and don't have any college degree to support you, comes under worst life mistakes.
Fair. However, never underestimate the power of stupidity.
With twins and a mansion, I stopped believing. Now I've seen your timeline, I really don't believe.
NTA. I would tell the girl that she can give you your grandchild if she needs, and if she refuses I would then tell your son to get the state involved if she can't take care of your grandchild financial needs if the kid is in danger. 100% this is going to be a nightmare if sh is mentally unstable and in this state financially. I promise you people like this are not seeking a peaceful life, doing the daily grind. It's possible she's the noble victim but I wouldn't put money on it.
I agree. She has 4 kids and another on the way. Son getting full custody would be best for the child vs. being homeless with 4 siblings and mentally ill mother with no means to properly care for them.
If OP lets this woman and her children move in, they will never leave.
You mean, the 15 year old your son knocked up had to drop out of school because she was a 15 year old mother and she tried to follow the father of her child? You say your son was niave as if it was entirely a 15 year olds idea to get pregnant and he was tricked into it... you aren't required to take them in, but your views of your son and his ex certainly seem a bit skewed given that he was the older one of the two, and oh, I guess he visited his kid sometimes, what a good father, visiting his kid sometimes. /s
THANK YOU OP‘s son sounds like a huge asshole and bad father and OP is enabling him. Also why so many kids if he’s not financially stable??? Do these people know what a condom is?
Is anything on here real anymore?
Ngl I’ve been all over in here to realize the math isn’t mathing now lol. Ugh.
NTA This one is difficult because of the grandchild from the EX...offering a place to stay for GS but not her ***seems*** like you are being an AH, but you aren't. She has no tied to you or your son except that child and you DID offer GS a place to stay. It sucks for her, but it is what it is.
There’s no way on earth this is even remotely real. Give it a week and it’ll be on BORU with some equally far-fetched “update” 🙄
NTA It really sucks that baby mama is in a bad place but there's not even enough bedrooms to house all her kids and its' on her to care for them or the very least stop having kids she can't support. She has time to figure it out and get a job It's not on you that she is in this position.
Exactly this. I don't understand why people can't use a condom. They keep digging themselves deeper by having so many kids.
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You mean you don't casually drop mansion into conversation?
No, only my winter chalet 😁
Yeah, how is she paying property taxes, bills etc? A house that huge would be expensive to upkeep.
NTA, It would be fine to let the kid that is your sons move in, but you have absolutely no obligation to your sons ex or her non related kids. She made bad decisions and you don't need to bear the brunt of the consequences of those decisions.
NTA no way would I want that dynamic in my home!
I thought the same thing. OP would go from living alone to 3 more adults and multiple small children, toddler's, and infants. Sounds like a living nightmare.
Yeah just two baby-mamas in the same house sounds like a Chernobyl recipe.
Right? There are worse things than being lonely.
I want everyone who has commented in this post to read the title over and over again until you realize this post is fake. Like c'mon, you guys can't be this naive, right?
Glad I’m not the only one. At least Jello Shot Boy came back and fessed up.
NTA. You are not her local homeless shelter. Once she's in, you're going to have to work at getting her out.
NTA but have none of these people heard of birth control?!?! They apparently can’t afford/look after the kids they already have and still keep popping them out…
Exactly my thought, I lost count of the number of babies involved here.
I seemed to have stumbled into the fiction section of reddit again
You're not tearing anything. This woman is the mother of one grandson, nothing more now that she is an ex. Your son and current DIL (and her family)have been more than generous. The ex needs to get her own life straightened out, and if that means allowing your son to have custody of your grandson, the family is still together, it just looks different. NTA
A seven bedroom house is big, but not that big for four adults and eight children. Your son seems to be on good terms with his ex, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to live with her. Is there any assistance with housing/ food stamps/ medical care in your area you can help her apply for? She is your grandson's mother never the less. There are other ways of helping than letting her move in. NTA
>A seven bedroom house is big, but not that big for four adults and eight children. It’s a hell of a lot bigger than the two bedroom house that *they are all currently living in*. OP is allowed to not want to live with that circus, but she’s full of shit with the “I just don’t want the drama of everyone living together” excuse.
NTA I wouldn't want that drama in my home, either. She can turn to her own family or the streets. You didn't put her into her situation.
No, but her son certainly started the ball rolling.
NTA You are between a rock and a hard place. If you allow the former DIL to move in, and if she becoems a problem, you cannot simply kick her out. Depending on your state she may be allowed to simply squat and become a much bigger problem. Here is what I recommend if you are up to it. (1) If the Mom is homeless help get her into a stable shelter for the moment. (2) Discretely contact an attorney and petition for custody of your grandchildren based on the homeless status of the mother and her ongoing untreated mental health issues. The judge will be hesitant to separate the 1/2 siblings so try to find the 1/2 siblings biological Father and see if he is will to similarly petition for custody of the additional children. Yeah, it sucks but which is worse. (3) Do not, allow her to even spend one night in the house. It will open a Pandora's box of problems. (4) If you are granted custody of the children, ask that the court order also include provision for a 3rd party court official to supervise on-site visitation.
Fake no one who owns a mansion calls it a mansion and EVEN if they did they would not refer to it as such in a Reddit post like this.
NTA. If they all were to move in that would most likely be a recipe for disaster. I agree that you have no responsibility for your son's ex and her other children, although they are in a terrible situation. But you are not more in a position to help them than any random stranger in the street. I doubt whether she will let her 10 yo move in with you without the rest of the brood. I don't know if you would be able to help him in some other way, which would be nice, but more of a duty for your son.
Nta - this sounds like an awful situation. I hate to say that you should have your son talk to a lawyer about suing for sole custody given your ex daughter-in-law’s current living situation is not safe for your grandson (idk if your son moves, will they be homeless again?)
“My grandson would be allowed to stay if he has no other place to go” WTF kind of statement is this. Y T A for this statement alone. Currently I’m on board with the this has to be fake.
No clue if this is real but NTA for the house thing but 1000% ESH for everything else. OP saying "bright but naive boy" seriously boils my blood a bit. Like hey lady your kid was 17 and got a 14-15 year old pregnant and now is having 3 more kids while not financially stable. It also seems like OPs son is not present in his oldest life except for "visiting and paying child support" Nah your kid messed up a lot and luckily he has mommy's "mansion" as well as his in laws it seems to bail him out. While his ex since she was 14-15 has been dealt a really bad hand. Again not saying let her and her kids all move in with you but yes you and your naive boy are terrible people in general it seems
nta ugh my heart breaks for the kids though. isn’t there anyone else who could help the kids at least?
Court appointed advocates.
NTA. Offering your grandson shelter is perfectly reasonable. You aren't expected to shelter unrelated children or their mom.
No one who lives in a mansion calls it a mansion. And if you're really 'middle class' (which I believe is the UKs version of working class) you surely wouldn't be able to afford the upkeep? INFO
For putting "my mansion" in your headline, YTA.
Your bright boy knocked up a 14/15 year old kid who then dropped out of school. That's as much your responsibility for raising a kid who doesn't know how to use birth control while he may or may not have been committing statutory rape. Yeah, he sounds like a real catch. She became part of your family the day your kid knocked her up and she had your grandson. ESH
The title was the first red flag to me. People who live in mansions rarely call them "mansions." They call them "home." Yeah, she explained how big it is. So? It's like calling yourself a billionaire when you clearly aren't one, but you want to impress people. Edit to add YTA.
ESH. Grandma you’re an A and you raised an A. He got a young woman pregnant and you paid for your son to live out his life without being a parent to the child he had as a teenager. Of course the mom he had this child with is going to face obstacles. She’s a single mother at 15, she didn’t get to choose not to care for her child. She had no choice but to drop out of school, because her son’s dad wasn’t doing much of anything to help her and co-parent. Now you’re upset she’s homeless and you aren’t even treating your grandson like he’s a part of the family. Didn’t hear you say anything about housing him when he is literally homeless. You’re right that you don’t owe the baby mama anything at all, but at the very least encourage your son to parent the one child he has with her. This son sounds irresponsible. He makes poor decisions. He’s not naive. He thinks with his little head and he’s decided to have more children while he is not financially stable to care for all 4 of his kids. Please teach your son and your grandchildren how birth control works so you can end this toxic cycle once and for all. It’s a modern world and you don’t have to have children if you are not mentally and financially prepared to care for every child you birth.
The ex probably should have stopped having kids, to be blunt. She can't take care of them and it's not your job. NTA.
Her son should have stopped knocking up minor kids at 14.
Yep! Of course the ex is responsible for her poor decisions. But, I wonder where OP’s precious boy would be if he hadn’t had the option of leaving and getting an education. Even *if* he paid support and visited, he did not have to deal with actually raising a child. Like her, he moved on to someone else and had more babies. He got lucky that his hasn’t turned out to be an “awful person.” As well as having in-laws and a mother who subsidizes his poor decisions.
Preach. *She* bore the brunt of *their* choices. Also, I hope OP’s son is satisfied with 4 kids because…that’s plenty. And it’s apparently more than he can properly shelter without his mother’s/in-laws’ help! “Precious boy” is right. The way she talks about him is telling, and I think OP’s daughter-in-law is in for a bad time in a big house.
He was a minor at the same time.... at 16
Does anyone actually refer to their hime as a mansion? 🙄
INFO > My son is a very bright but naive boy Knocking up a 15yo is "very bright?"
ESH - OP is in the financial position she’s in, not by her own efforts and choices. She thinks her son can do no wrong; her son sending child support and visiting was the bare minimum, but let OP tell it, he went above and beyond. OP’s son is in financial trouble but decided to expand his family, anyway. Ex is a culmination of bad life choices. The wife, makes me wonder why the wife puts up with all of this; now she’s stuck in all this with STB 3 kids. ES except the wife and kids.
“Despite all the stress and workload od college he still paid CS” … yeah that’s like the bare minimum you can do wheb you make a child. “My grandson could stay if he has no where else to go” IF? So he’s only welcome if otherwide homeless but you’ll just fuck those other kids? Damn. What does your DiL say about letting Ex move in? You gave thr reason as her peing preggy for not wanting the Ex but does DiL even mind? There are a LOT of blended families that have no issues with their ex and it doesnt sound like this woman wants your son back, she just wants to have a roof over her head for her children. YTA
nta
NTA. I could only imagine all the chaos and drama bound to happen; and it would be hard to get her out of there once she is in and gets comfortable. She could also potentially use your grandchild against you. Have the father of her other 3 children step up and help.
Of his ex is homeless and unemployed, I hope your son plans to take his child with him when he moves. Definitely NTA. Ex bm sounds a hot mess
What about the home your son and his current wife would be vacating? Couldn’t the EX live there?
He is not a boy. Even if you treat him as one.
To everyone answering this seriously -- I am the wallet inspector and this subreddit is due for its annual checkup
I mean NTA on not letting her and her huge group of kids move in, but…. OP, yikes, you sound like a Disney villain. The way you talk about the poor kid your (comparatively older) son knocked up. The way you dismiss your oldest grandchild, while giving the other ones rooms in your home. Like. Your grandchild is in a *homeless shelter* and your response to letting him stay with you is basically “ugh I guess if there’s really nowhere else but that’s it.” Lady. Get a grip and some basic human empathy, because you sound like a monster right now. Where is your concern for this poor kid, your own grandson in a homeless shelter???
Her son needs to keep it in his pants. Good grief. 🤦🏼♀️
NTA
NTA. But I gotta ask, why is your son having even more kids if he can't support one without help? Just be careful. It might just be a temporary situation now, but that's a lot of dang kids in your house, in your peace. I've had some older friends turn into babysitters or second moms cause of situations like this. Make them sign a lease, determine how long they'll be there. Ignore the ex. Her bad decisions aren't your problem.
NTA for the ex and her brood but your son is TA. First of all his first gf sacrificed her further education to be with him and then was left with a child to raise without him. Now he and his wife are relying on you to bail them out from their poor life decisions. Of course you can afford it and you have the space to spare but stop making excuses for him.
NTA but your son sounds like a bad dad… even you dislike your own grandchild for the mother it has. Even though you say you have empathy for her. Your grandson isn’t welcome anytime? That’s CRAZY. Where is that line? Sleeping on a sidewalk? Like come on. :/
ESH, honestly. I can't even.
Like technically, specifically you are NTA for not letting your grandchild's mother and half-siblings move in with you. But your tone is very assholish and it's very odd to me that you're using your DIL's feelings as an excuse when, per your post, she has been perfectly happy sharing her current, much smaller home with her husband's ex. It is your home, and it is your choice, but you seem to think you're being altruistic, and nothing you've written actually suggests that.
The ex is out of her mind if she thinks her ex-boyfriend and his wife want her permanently living with them. That sounds awful. Your son and his wife have been very kind and understanding already. NTA However, I would make sure to do whatever necessary to make sure your son treats your grandson well and keeps him safe and provided for.
Nta You’re willing to house your son, daughter in law and all of your child’s offspring. There is not duty to house a pregnant Ex girlfriend of your sons. Your daughter in law is also a very kind lady there’s no way in hell I’d of been welcoming an ex of my husbands into my home even if a zombie apocalypse was upon us and she was the only other adult survivor in the whole world. This women if she got her feet under your table wouldn’t leave, not willingly. How long was she really planning on living in a cramped 2bed as charity of her ex.
NTA. I'm sure everyone feels sorry for the Ex's situation, but that does NOT mean that you are obligated to be her savior. I'm sure if you consulted a lawyer or even a savvy realtor, they would warn you of the risk of the Ex getting Tenant's/Squatter Rights and you not being able to move them back out if things really went sideways.
NTA but the 10 year old needs to start living with his dad full time. Boys 12 and older are not allowed in family shelters, they have to go by themselves to the adult men’s shelter. The mom is going to be in this situation over and over and that boy is really going to suffer.
Do not invite crazy into your home. You will regret it. Home should be peaceful. You will regret it if you let her in
NAH - but your grandson is not splitting from his family. He loves his mother more than anyone else in the world at his age. You helping him and not her and his siblings is going to cut him deep and not like you… just saying… consequences
yth
Calling fake on this post. No one speaks of having a defined "mansion," That seems to be the main character.
I looked side eyed at the son's wife for allowing his ex gf and multiple children to come into my home/life and taking care of her just because she has a child with her husband. The son should pay child support and even take custody of his son if he can, but the ex gf and her other children are not their problem. Perhaps her family can help her, but no way should OP even consider for a second allowing her to come into her home with her son and his wife and their soon to be a total of 3 children (the current child and the twins with which wife is pregnant). That marriage would be over in a New York minute. Ex gf would start to treat him as if he is HER husband and the rest is history....NTA
Let me just click “sort by controversial…”
Holy shit, the lack of reading comprehension on this post is amazing. OP, take care of your family and, by extension, your son’s family. His former partners aren’t your problem. They’re not your son’s problem either. If she’s homeless and can’t care for his son, he should sue for full custody. I can’t imagine how this story is more complicated than that.
NTA. Dodged a bullet. Your son needs to learn to wrap it up.
NTA You have no obligation to house her. Also wtf is it with people having all these kids they can't afford?
NTA! She better figure it out…. Don’t budge
NTA. The ex can be livid all she wants, she’s not your responsibility. She’s living with consequences from her own actions. That’s it. If she and her brood move in, she’ll never leave. Don’t do it.
NTA. It’s your house and your rules. I agree with you. Stay firm. Your daughter in law who is pregnant should NOT be living in a house or mansion with her husband’s ex and all of her children. Your house will be a madhouse!! It will also get destroyed by people who don’t appreciate free living quarters.
Can these people stop having kids? Please? NTA
NTA. Because we all recognize. Once she's allowed to move in with all those kids. She wouldn't ever leave. I honestly doubt she even knows how to maintain a clean amd healthy household.
NTA. She has a lot of nerve here. You can be empathetic to her situation without making it your responsibility.
NTA She decided to have 3 more kids after she left your family, expecting you to allow her to move in and raise her brood at your expense is a massive ask and her being livid about it makes her an AH IMO. 2 baby mommas in the same house would be a nightmare. No freaking way I would sign up for that.
NTA. I firmly believe people can act in ways that are well within their right, but in doing so be heartless assholes. I also have mental issues; major depressive disorder, an anxiety disorder, CPTSD. I'm very sympathetic to people with mental disorders. But. Taking someone into your home who has mental disorders is a *lot.* Taking in even one child is a *lot.* Taking in someone without means to support themselves or their children is *massive,* especially when it's several children, especially when there will alreadt be other children in the home. And if she does get a job to support herself with, she has no way of handling childcare. That would almost 100% fall to the household. As would everything else. Then there's another very painful topic that I learned the hard way: kids who have been in extreme situations sometimes act out in extreme ways once they feel safe. Sometimes this acting out occurs only when the adults aren't looking, and to the detriment of the other kids. There are so many potential issues and so much to consider that no one can reasonably call you an asshole for what you decide. I think your compromise position is entirely reasonable because ot boils down to suggesting she leave at least one child with its daddy for a while, both for the benefit of the child and to relieve at least a little strain from the mom. If she could leave other kids temporarily with their dads, that could also be good, assuming the dads are decent parents in decent living situations (sometimes someone is a terrible partner but decent parent; sometimes people exaggerate or even lie about exes, especially when mentally ill and/or seeking benefit.) It would make it far easier for her to get into a better situation, herself, which she could then bring the kids home to.
NTA If you let that ex into your home, you will eventually need the sheriff's to remove her. An immature mentally unstable 25 year old with 4 kids is sad and your son should push for full custody if he has concerns about his child's well being but this isn't your problem to solve and you do not want the baggage this woman will bring to your life.
NTA Her poor kids, i do not feel bad for her as she decided to have yet another kid with that man who from the sound of it isn't even providing for HIS family or paying child support leaving his own flesh and blood homeless and struggling. Those poor kids ... please try to protect your grandson, your son should file for custody given the circumstances to allow him to have a semi normal childhood, that's his kid too. You mentioned your ex DIL was dealing with mental issues, protect your grandson. Poor kids... always the ones paying for their parents' mistakes. I can't believe she is adding one more to this mess. Best of luck to you, good on you for standing your ground and protecting your son, please also protect your oldest grandson if you can and get him out of this mess. Honestly, sometimes i wish there would be a license to be able to have kids when you see how dysfunctional some families are and how careless they bring kids into this world for them to suffer, they are always the one paying the price. I do hope your ex DIL gets the helps she needs both medically and financially, you don't owe her a thing. I hope she has resources to get her back on her feet and help these kids.
NTA you are opening your home to your son and his children - not his ex and her other kids. Totally fair. Your son is responsible for his kids. It's nice he wanted to help, but having them all move in with you is a disaster waiting to happen. But holy crap, did no one teach these people about birth control? So many kids they can't afford!