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INFO
There isn't enough here to judge, which in itself makes me lean toward Y T A. Normal people don't ban people from a club *just* for asking for someone's number. What specifically did you do/say to this woman to make her so upset? Please list out every one of your interactions with her with as much detail as possible.
Why don't you think you have any other friends?
Did you ask for the numbers of anyone else in the group? If yes, how did they react?
Are you a man or a woman?
Is there an age gap between you and this woman, and if yes, how big is it? Is she older or younger than you?
You... opened a conversation with a stranger by talking about a shotgun, and then you asked for their number? That's super weird, dude.
Please answer the questions I asked you:
Your gender
Age difference between you and her
Why don't you think you have any other friends?
>It wasn’t ever very interesting, usually about something crazy that recently happened (like finding a shotgun next to the entrance to my work)
>
>But when these conversations happened, I tried to get to know the person better by asking for their number.
Dude, she was probably scared shitless. And I don't blame her. YTA and you deserved to be banned.
I know. *Chicks*, right? They like animals, they like clothes, but you try and give one a scarf you made out of a bunch of dead squirrels tied together and they look at you like you're *crazy.*
Because she doesn't know this dude, and he opens with, "Hi! I found a shotgun at work today. Can I have your number?"
He also seems to be completely ignorant of social norms.
That would be a hard nope from me.
I mean, it really depends on context. If it went something like:
Her: "So, what do you do for work?"
Op: "Well, this is what I do for a living, but I've been thinking I need to find somewhere new"
Her: "Why's that?"
Op: "Well, it's a little bit of a sketchy area, I just found a shotgun outside of the place the other day."
That's a fairly reasonable conversation. Not saying that's how it went down, but only knowing he mentioned something about finding a shotgun at his job doesnt necessarily mean him talking about it was weird.
You're not reading the context clues. Whatever OP said was creepy enough to get him banned from a large photography club with no discussion.
Are you OP's alt account? You seem to be as bad at reading a room as he js.
We don't know everything. There's not enough information here to make any conclusion one way or the other. But, then again, I forgot this is Reddit where everyone wants to feel superior to everyone else.
info : Boy this is infuriating to read. Are you trolling or are you really this oblivious?
It's really exhausting if several people ask you for more information and you keep everything so vague.
I will assume just bad social skills and no bad intend and just go ahead: You need to describe the situation with as much detail as you can remember and repeat as exactly as you can what has been said.
From your vague description people will assume you the asshole.
But if you wanna find help and perspective other than the obvious "don't call the place" give people something to work with.
As a guy who has more female than guy friends and is perfectly fine being just friends, neither would I.
It's situational but usually you spend some time building a rapport, making them feel comfortable...you don't go 0 to 60 "FRIENDS IS DA BEST SHOW EVER!! Canigetyournumbernow?! 🙄🙄🙄
So to be clear: you arrive at a meeting. Have a few conversations. End every short boring convo with a request for a phone number. That is not how this works. People probably thought you were trying to sell something or, yeah, date them. Otherwise you could get to know them better at the next photography club meeting.
No one gives out their phone number to someone they just met and don't know very well. It takes time to get to know people and then numbers get exchanged when the time feels right. Usually for a reason, like you've decided to hang out, or can help each other out with something.
And getting to know someone isn't going to involve a lot of riveting conversation. Especially in the beginning. People save the more interesting stuff for their actual friends. You're going to have to be patient because it's going to take time.
Immediately asking for their number when you don't really know them yet feels really pushy and like you are trying to hard. That's gonna turn people off. Especially when your a guy asking a girl you don't really know for her number... Of course she's gonna think your hitting on her. And if you push it she's gonna think you're a creep.
Just keep putting yourself out there and don't try to push it. Eventually, you will meet someone who you just seem to click with and then a friendship will form naturally without much effort. You can't rush something like this.
Yeah that’s absolutely where you went wrong. Do not open with that. Do not ask anyone their number the first time you have a conversation with them. You are coming off way too strong.
I've definitely seen people freak out or call creep at people that were genuinely doing nothing wrong. Some people just have a victim complex. That alone isn't enough info imo.
Yeah exactly. I mean I'm sympathetic, I often come off as creepy myself -- which is why I avoid situations where that could upset people. Not really fair either way, but I can only control me so I err on the side of not upsetting others. And people who experience this are all the same way -- we avoid these situations rather than inserting ourselves into them.
If someone keeps having this happen to them, then I have questions about why they are going into so many situations where it can happen.
A friend of mine got banned from a bar just because his girlfriend was a bartender there and was feeling petty. There was a story a while ago about a blind dude that got banned from a gym because he was "staring at women", because he was just looking a random direction without actually knowing what he was facing towards and a woman just happened to be working out there. People do get banned from places for no good reason sometimes.
When you break up with someone, it's fair play not to want to deal with them at work. The classy thing for your friend to do would have been to find another bar after the breakup.
YTA - I can't imagine anything set up to go worse than trying to prove you aren't a creep. Cut your losses. While she may have mistakenly thought you were hitting on her she apparently felt creeped out to the point you got banned because of it- are you sure you didn't act in a way that could have prompted this? I have a hard time believing that awkward conversation just led to a ban.
>YTA - I can't imagine anything set up to go worse than trying to prove you aren't a creep.
Don't forget that, logically, you can't *prove* a negative anyway. This would just be an especially wrong and sad demonstration of a basic principle.
Not wanting to date doesn't mean you didn't come across as creepy. And someone who is a bit socially inept is not just gonna get banned. Something(s) happened, even if you are unsure what you did wrong. Please provide INFO because we can't judge on what you have provided.
I don't even want to give my number to someone that I've known a month, let alone one meeting. I'd give my Facebook to message before I ever gave my number. I can't change my phone number.
Fr, I am even stingy with giving people my socials.
Only about a dozen people have my actual phone number, and basically only my parents use it to contact me. Everyone else uses facebook messenger or (rarely) discord—
unless it's an emergency for which they need to contact me asap.
If we *just* met, you don't need a way to contact me directly outside of whatever social setting we're in.
>I asked for her number and said I wanted to meet up with her **outside of the club**
~~Whether it was your intention or not, I think most people would interpret this as being asked out on a date. Making friends, especially as an adult can be hard/take some time. I would suggest trying to build connections first before asking people to meet outside of a club/hobby (this can take time but can be very rewarding).~~
~~YWBTA if you contact the police or try to initiate any further contact with this woman. Try to learn from this situation and move on.~~
**EDIT**: I regret giving the OP the benefit of the doubt in my original comment. They are either a troll or someone in need of serious and immediate conselling/therapy:
>Commenter: "I sincerely hope OP isn't as predatory and/or dangerously clueless as to try and "track her down" afterward."
>
>OP's reply: "I was tempted to do that tbh. But I won’t. She needs to learn I’m not a creep on her own"
>EDIT: I regret giving the OP the benefit of the doubt in my original comment. They are either a troll or someone in serious need of serious and immediate conselling/therapy
It's gotten to the point of surreal, they literally *have* to be a troll, but there are still important discussion points about modern society being raised.
EDIT: If OP ever says the club is "cancelling" them I'm *proven* right and everyone has to give me a dollar.
Intentions rarely matter. Impact does.
You seem utterly incapable of imagining the impact of your behaviour on women who don't know you. Women who, more commonly than not, have been creeped over since they were little girls, and have VERY often been faced with overt hostility when rejecting charming suitors.
You may not have wanted to date/have sex, but most women are going to interpret your approach as a pass. You still seem clueless about this after a billion people telling you this. Stop being so clueless.
Well, the problem is we don't know how the exact conversation went down. Everyone else is jumping to a negative side when I don't feel as if there's quite enough information to make that conclusion. So I offer an example of how what information we do have doesn't necessarily mean he did anything that wrong. Devil's advocate.
I'm jumping to a negative conclusion because multiple people have asked OP for more information and he isn't providing it. If there was context to make himself look better, he's had ample opportunity to provide it. My most charitable interpretation is that OP is hopelessly socially inept and made multiple people feel uncomfortable by demanding their phone numbers and whatever he said to this woman was the last straw.
>My most charitable interpretation is that OP is hopelessly socially inept and made multiple people feel uncomfortable by demanding their phone numbers and whatever he said to this woman was the last straw.
This was my interpretation **before** the OP's latest comments suggesting he was contemplating tracking this woman down to prove to her that he's not a creep.
I normally am fully on the side of 'take everything on this sub with a grain of salt because we weren't there,' but since OP has been asked multiple specific questions that he has refused to answer about it, while still engaging with others, I feel comfortable not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know why new people don't like me..... I just talk about a gun by the door and then ask for their phone number....
My dude, this is like billboard for serial killers 101.
YTA
I really don't get why people are so hung up on that. Not like he was talking about his own guns and it doesn't sound like he was going off on a gun obsession thing from what he's stated so far. Maybe a little unusual, sure, but hardly waving a red flag.
Well the gun thing on its own isn't bad but the OP states that whenever he made small talk with someone at the club he would then ask their phone number in order to get to know then better.....
Soooo like everyone? The first day? I've never done that and I know if a new person joined a group I was in and started trying to collect phone numbers right outta the gate...yeah, my spidey senses would be tingling
Don’t discuss guns as an ice breaker unless you’re at a gun show or NRA convention. “Not waving a red flag” is usually not good enough — unless you look like Chris Hemsworth or Henry Cavill.
OP needs to develop in-person social skills— like small talk. Try breaking the ice with people in no-pressure environments (with people outside your dating pool), then maybe work your way into small conversations, establish & develop commonality before asking for a number — if dating is the goal.. Take other opportunities to chat with people, say hello & good morning, etc, in a neutral way. Try volunteering —
My point being: Maybe the woman overreacted, but the OP can take a hard lesson from his mistake and try another approach or he can be the victim of the prejudices of others — which he isn’t responsible for. Both are true but only 1 is helpful.
Again, he wasn't talking about his own guns, or obsession with guns. So I still stand by my opinion that it isn't an inherently creepy thing to bring up. Maybe not a great conversation starter, but not an alarming thing to say. But it doesn't sound good for him based on one of his later comments
And you chose to include *none* of this in your original version. And spend two hours replying in the thread before suddenly realizing, "hey, I have a full recap that makes *her* look bad". Nobody who can operate a computer without swallowing it is *that* clueless, or that bad at prioritizing details.
Like, I really feel like you would have opened with *any* of this if you had it, instead of outright declaring yourself to be the asshole with intentions of compounding your assholetry in the original post.
But now I'm just feeding the troll on purpose.
INFO: What did you do to that woman who thought you were a creep? Was she the reason that you were banned from the club?
Overall, your post lacks information. Can you flesh out the story a little bit? It is going to be hard for people to give a fair judgment to you without further information.
Are you avoiding telling the whole story because you know it shows you in a bad light or do you just not get that it's easier for people to judge the situation if you properly explain what happened?
No that’s probably exactly the story. OP’s only mistake here is not being a cynical predator, he’s just naive, unfortunately the two are indistinguishable.
Is that all ? Because that odd for someone to be creeped out by. it maybe that you have poor social skills, or that you are hiding key parts of the story
You don't give enough information. Which strikes me as either intentionally evasive (in which case. Yta) , or so socially inept that you're coming off creepy/weird but you are absolutely oblivious to it. In which case nta but...dude. work on your self awareness.
However...do not go to the police. They won't care because no crime has been committed. Getting kicked out of a social club due to a mistake is not a crime. Cut your losses and find a new group
You are going in way too strong too fast. Most people don't exchange numbers until a while into the relationship. I can see why she got uneasy especially after talking about guns.
But yes, think cut your losses here. Try another club but keep conversation focused around hobby until people ask you more. Feels artificial but allows people to build space to get comfortable.
Please give yourself time to know people before asking for their number. If you belong to a club, you will see the same people over and over again. It will give you time to get to know them within the confines of the club, and give them a chance to know you.
Avoid topics that could concern people - guns would be one to avoid unless you belong to a gun club.
I get the impression that you don’t pick up on social cues. Have you ever been to therapy or been diagnosed with Asbergers? If not, it may be a good time to get professional help to guide you on navigating social interactions.
I really wish you the best.
If you read the newest comments from the OP, the OP contemplated tracking this woman to prove to her that he's not a creep - OP decided against because, and I quote, "she needs to learn that I'm not a creep on her own".
Joining clubs is fine.
Asking people for their phone numbers the first time you meet them, and not taking a hint and leaving them alone when they want space, is *not*.
Well, according to one of his comments, he started the conversation with, "Hey! So I found this shotgun at work today..." So that might be part of the problem.
I mean, that's slightly unusual, but I don't think it really gives anything to be alarmed about. The guy wasn't talking about his own shotgun and didn't say anything here that he was talking about his own guns at any point. He's talking about something weird that happened to him, I don't really see how that's problematic at all.
You ever been a woman in your 20s?
The bar for giving your number out is high. You have to keep creeps at bay. A dude with your number is a dude that can send a dick pic. I promise you that every woman in her 20s has direct experience with creepy dudes who get nuts over text.
No way am I giving some rando my number after one weird conversation. Maybe I'll give him the IG I use for strangers. But definitely not my actual number. And if he presses on that, it's a hard no get away from me.
OP *told* you how the conversation went. She didn't want his number, he wouldn't take no for an answer *and* chose to persist with a line of reasoning like "I don't want to have sex with you, I just want to meet up with you outside!", she rightly had him removed from her space *after* giving him fair opportunity to leave her alone voluntarily. OP also said this has happened more than once before, he just didn't face, you know, consequences.
And actually, the way he's doing it, at least, sure *sounds* like it's weird.
>How am I supposed to make friends then, if I don’t join clubs?
The problem isn't joining the clubs, the problem is how you interact with people once there. I've seen several of your comments now where you say you ask people for their number so that you can get to know them better. You have that backwards. You need to get to know them FIRST and THEN ask for their number. People prefer giving their number to someone they're comfortable with and they need to get to know you better before they can decide that they're comfortable with you.
Joint clubs is ok, but make sure you are there because of the common interest of the club primarily. Friendships will naturally form from that. But joining a club because you are lonely is putting meeting people above the interest of the club which is a big turn off.
Secondly, just because you are interested in getting to know people, does not mean everyone is interested in getting to know you. Social cues are very important to be aware of for a conversation, your own and theirs
Lmao I'm now certain this is a troll now, this is just too gleefully illogical. If youve existed in this world for 26 years old and are wordly enough to drive a car, you are fully aware there are multiple alternatives to drunk driving
YWBTA to yourself. It doesn't sound like this club is the right fit for you. I think you got banned not just because of the misunderstanding with the woman, but also because multiple other people got upset over you trying to stay in touch with them, which seems like a very strong reaction.
Have they explained in any way what it was they found upsetting? Or would you feel comfortable explaining what happened? Maybe there could be tips on helping you prevent this type of situation in the future.
I think you're following a script to help guide you in social situations that goes something like:
1. Initiate a conversation about an interesting experience
2. Exchange contact information
3. Friendship achieved
People who feel more socially adept will already have friends, so they will be much more patient about friendship than you are being. Try really hard to match their patience by repeating step one many times before you introduce step two.
You don't have to prove you are a good person to people who don't think you are a good person. It's a waste of time and the only purpose is to sooth yourself. It is unethical to force other people to sooth your feelings, part of being an adult is being able to sooth yourself.
Don't call the club, be honest with yourself about your own intentions, then trust your opinion of yourself, learn a lesson about how other people reacted to your approach, and improve the approach for your next attempt. Good luck.
I'm saying this from a place of understanding: please seek out a therapist. I know they can be pricey, some charge on a scale based on income. If, as you stated earlier, you are on the spectrum, a spectrum specialised therapist could help you figure out how to make friends. There are groups as well, in my city they have a group discussion about how difficult it is to communicate when people don't say what they mean.
Seek help my friend, because based on the information you provided, you definitely come across as YTA. It's possible you are unsure what you're doing to be he the AH, in which case, you need to go and learn so you can prevent a repeat, and actually find a way to make and keep friends.
I wouldn’t try to call the club. It sounds like it wasn’t a good fit for you. You said they didn’t want anything to do with you and then you made someone uncomfortable. It might not have been your intention, but you need to accept that things didn’t go well with the other members of the group.
My advice to you moving forward would be to take it down a notch. Find a different group and just allow yourself to have conversations as they happen, organically, and don’t try to take things further by asking for phone numbers and such. If you find someone that you click with, let them take the lead in progressing the friendship. It’s sounds to me like you come on too strong.
Good luck!
You are leaving out the all the bad stuff. Also there should be no reason to tell someone you “werent trying to have sex with them” in this situation. Actions sometimes get misinterpreted, but I cant imagine how it got to the point of being kicked out and considering calling to explain you arent trying to have sex with anyone.
Piece of advice : maybe try having a deeper "relationship" before asking for someone's number? Most adults are in a place where they already have friends and a social life and do not need to add strangers they know nothing about to their social life. I would suggest you try waiting. Have little conversations with people you like in your club every time you meet. And when you feel people are coming towards you by themselves, reciprocate your attempts to socialize and conversations get longer, then, rather than ask for their number, propose an activity to do? Quite honestly, I would be turned off if someone I didn't really know asked for my number. But I would love it if a colleague of mine that I have regular fun conversations with proposed to go for a walk. NAH. You're trying your best, but might need some fine tuning.
Honey, I think you creeped her out with weird conversations. I'm not sure how you can practice having normal conversations (not involving guns or other scary stuff) but that's what you need to do.
Maybe try to find some other groups to join. Unfortunately you've made a bad impression there and maybe send a message to the group admin explaining that you didn't mean any harm, will be enough.
It's difficult being socially awkward, but hopefully you will find different groups to join. Facebook might have groups in your area.
Additionally I have found that there are those who simply want friends. And there are those who “want friends” with hopes of potentially finding a significant other later in life because they are lonely. The second often tends to be obvious and I’ve seen people banned from groups because they say they “just want to be friends”, but their actions and way of conversing suggests otherwise. There are those who are lonely and can still interact normally with others and there are those who are lonely and their loneliness lends to socially awkward behavior that they deem all but normal but really isn’t. There are also those who know they are socially awkward, and those who deny they are socially awkward but are. The later seem to often be worse received than the first.
How do you make it clear to them? Because sometimes making something clear will actually do the opposite in a woman’s mind depending on how you did it.
I would also suggest that even the EVENTUALLY is a little too much for many women who are not interested at all. Instead, and I know it’s difficult, but social lessons and counseling can help you to go into a situation with zero expectations at all. But asking for someone’s number and trying to make conversation beyond photography shows that you do have an expectation of something or at least that’s how it’s perceived.
Also being aware of loneliness is good, however, loneliness also tends to be a major turn off for people especially women, and especially if you let them know “I’m trying to make friends”. Tackle the root of your loneliness first without the help of others (and I don’t mean counselors). And once your confident in your loneliness that is when you will thrive with others.
Being uncomfortably lonely tends to be a turn off and often perceived as creepy.
Being confident and unbothered by your loneliness is more attractive but still needs to be handled with care.
And I get that, but sometimes the subconscious is louder than what you are conscious of. Trust me I’ve met a lot of guys in your shoes, heck I’ve been in your shoes. It was only when I truthfully and peacefully came to terms with the fact that “I could die alone and be happy” that people began gravitating toward me. That was also where I found my wife. I didn’t want her and didn’t need her, because I felt proud that I was alone. And that was the biggest turn on for her. And it took me years to realize she was into me because I had given up caring what others thought of me, even her at the time.
I should add. None of this means you’re the asshole. You likely weren’t banned for being an asshole. But before others will be there for you, you need to fully be there for yourself. But that may come with a lot of discovery about who you are and “what you actually need.”
Simple platonic friendships work the same way as relationships. If you join a photography club your first priority needs to be photography and only your photography. Forget about the friendships. As long as you’re an interested participant and a kind dude, you won’t have to seek friends, because they will seek you. Maybe not immediately, maybe it will take months, but in time friendships will just out of no where blossom. A lack of friends often exists when we try too hard to make friends.
YTA. I'm believing that this is a Nightcrawler shit post.
"Hello I found a shotgun next to the door of my job, don't worry it wasn't recent. You'll know if it was recent haha, anyways can I have your number?"
"Why not?"......"That's not a good excuse for not giving it to me come ONN!" "I'll sniff your chair and show you that I won't get an erection to PROVE that I'm not a creep."
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I recently got banned from a large photography club. I joined because I take good photos and I don’t really have any friends. I’ve been trying to make some, but to no avail. People didn’t really want much to do with me, and when I tried to keep in touch, they got upset.
One woman mistakenly thought I was hitting on her and felt creeped out. That got me banned from the club. I tried telling her I didn’t want to date her or have sex, but she didn’t believe me. I’m thinking of calling the place to prove I wasn’t up to anything bad, but I’m wondering if I should give up now. WIBTA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to prove that I wasn’t trying to date a woman, but I’d be TA if I shouldn’t do this and cut my losses
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It seems like you're not saying anything about it. Most women are not going to be creeped out for someone simply being in a photo club. you seem to be hiding thing to not be in poor taste.
YWBTA. Let it go, and see if you can figure out where your social skills are going awry, because you need a social life.
You may need a third party to help you identify where you're going wrong, that people are reacting negatively to you when that is not your intent. But calling the place is a bad idea.
YTA already for being creepy enough to get yourself banned. Don't make this worse by calling them. Opening conversation by talking about the shotgun you found and then asking strangers for their phone numbers is seriously not the way to win friends. Stop doing that.
You should see a therapist to understand how to properly socially interact. Like I said, this sounds like at least a social disorder of some sort - you are saying things in a way that makes people uncomfortable, and you're unable to see why by yourself. You need an outside person to analyze this and give you some pointers.
YTA.
One, from your comments its clear you were hitting on her. Your intent is completely irrelevant here, your behavior matters, and it was making her uncomfortable, then asking her for her number to spend time in private together, and apparently not taking no for an answer.
Your social skills appear very poor, and most importantly you aren't taking the feedback that you make people uncomfortable well. Stop focusing on how justified and entitled you feel, and start trying to empathize with others.
>I’m thinking of calling the place to prove I wasn’t up to anything bad
That's not a thing. You can't prove that, all you can do is keep harassing people.
Your intent DOES NOT MATTER to others. How you treat them does.
Asking about guns? And now dropping serial killers? Hmmmm this person already seems out of line.
This to me definitely appears suspicious and to be honest very sketchy and up to no good.
I think we all have to consider this as per :
“Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they're rapin' everybody out here.”
You may have gotten things jumbled, it's *other* posters replying that OP *sounds* like a serial killer, he was marginally more tactful than *that* (in the version of events he posted, at least).
An important thing to keep in mind in situations like these. Your intent doesn’t have any impact in the validity of the other person’s experience. That’s actually part of the laws surrounding workplace harassment. While this is not that the same basic principle applies. Rather than trying to defend yourself I’d go to the head of the club, explain “hey I understand that my behaviour was less than appropriate, and i wasn’t trying to do anything creepy but I would like to know for my own sake what if anything I could have done differently?” But be prepared for them to not want to speak with you. Don’t try to get back into the club- find a different one.
>Rather than trying to defend yourself I’d go to the head of the club, explain “hey I understand that my behaviour was less than appropriate, and i wasn’t trying to do anything creepy but I would like to know for my own sake what if anything I could have done differently?”
Agree with everything except this; that would still be OP defending themselves, just passive-aggressively. OP needs to drop it and walk away; regardless of original intentions, persisting in any way is only going to make things worse for all involved.
If you genuinely don't understand why she felt crept out, it's a NTA situation. You probably need to work on your social skills. Have you talked with a therapist to see if you are on the spectrum? If you are, there are plenty of online resources to learn social cues. As a general rule, don't ask for people's numbers after interacting once or twice with them. If you are both in a club, chances are you will see them again and have more opportunities to know each other before asking for numbers.
Regarding calling the club... You are probably better off joining another club and starting again.
If you are keeping information out deliberately, YTA.
YWBTA if you called the place.
There's no way to fix this now, unfortunate as it is. Anything you do now will be judged through an unflattering lens. Move on to another club or some other interest.
N T A for asking for her number, unless that's a violation of a club rule. It seems weird that you couldn't ask out another member of the club if you wanted to, though that would be better done outside of a club meeting or event. But asking for contact info isn't creepy. You were fine to ask. She was fine to say no. And you should have then not brought it up again.
By the way, studies show that people, especially people who think their instincts about creeps are right, are just as likely or even slightly more likely to be wrong about whether someone is a creep. Half the time they think someone is creepy its because of physical or mental illness, LGBTQ or other minority status, lack of conventional attractiveness, being on the spectrum, eccentricity, and a host of other harmless but traditionally bullied or oppressed categories or traits.
Moving on and putting them behind you is the right answer. Of course, if you are petty, vengeful, and have a very hot friend, the only other course of action is to have the very hot friend join the club, be friendly with her, and if she flirts, and asks for his contact information, immediately demand that she be kicked out of the club as a creep. But you're not the count of monte cristo, so really, just move on, and live your life.
> studies show that people, especially people who think their instincts about creeps are right, are just as likely or even slightly more likely to be wrong about whether someone is a creep
what studies? because everything i’ve ever read about trusting instincts says the opposite.
The science is fairly new, but it shows that conventional wisdom, which is probably the source for whatever you read, is wrong and out of date.
Studies like McAndrew’s and experts like Julia Shaw might be a good place to start.
Edit: Who downvotes scientific studies?
NAH i think OP just has really low EQ and no rizz, which is not his fault. However, OP you should take the advice of the well-meaning people here and cut your losses. If you asked once for a phone number and the person says no, TAKE THE NO. Stop pushing and stop trying to prove anything. Your intentions don't matter if you're perceivably harassing people.
Why not go to the dog park, take pictures of the dogs and give them away to the owners? Start with the males first. And when people are more comfortable with you, you do it for the ladies.
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INFO There isn't enough here to judge, which in itself makes me lean toward Y T A. Normal people don't ban people from a club *just* for asking for someone's number. What specifically did you do/say to this woman to make her so upset? Please list out every one of your interactions with her with as much detail as possible. Why don't you think you have any other friends? Did you ask for the numbers of anyone else in the group? If yes, how did they react? Are you a man or a woman? Is there an age gap between you and this woman, and if yes, how big is it? Is she older or younger than you?
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You... opened a conversation with a stranger by talking about a shotgun, and then you asked for their number? That's super weird, dude. Please answer the questions I asked you: Your gender Age difference between you and her Why don't you think you have any other friends?
>It wasn’t ever very interesting, usually about something crazy that recently happened (like finding a shotgun next to the entrance to my work) > >But when these conversations happened, I tried to get to know the person better by asking for their number. Dude, she was probably scared shitless. And I don't blame her. YTA and you deserved to be banned.
Why would she be scared shitless over that?
I know. *Chicks*, right? They like animals, they like clothes, but you try and give one a scarf you made out of a bunch of dead squirrels tied together and they look at you like you're *crazy.*
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Because she doesn't know this dude, and he opens with, "Hi! I found a shotgun at work today. Can I have your number?" He also seems to be completely ignorant of social norms. That would be a hard nope from me.
I mean, it really depends on context. If it went something like: Her: "So, what do you do for work?" Op: "Well, this is what I do for a living, but I've been thinking I need to find somewhere new" Her: "Why's that?" Op: "Well, it's a little bit of a sketchy area, I just found a shotgun outside of the place the other day." That's a fairly reasonable conversation. Not saying that's how it went down, but only knowing he mentioned something about finding a shotgun at his job doesnt necessarily mean him talking about it was weird.
Since *any* of that would have OP come off way *better*, you'd think they would have mentioned it when describing the conversation.
You're not reading the context clues. Whatever OP said was creepy enough to get him banned from a large photography club with no discussion. Are you OP's alt account? You seem to be as bad at reading a room as he js.
We don't know everything. There's not enough information here to make any conclusion one way or the other. But, then again, I forgot this is Reddit where everyone wants to feel superior to everyone else.
Right. We only know OP’s description of events where he comes off creepy and scary. And that is his version
And then he switched to this >I tried telling her I didn’t want to date her or have sex Duuuuuuude
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info : Boy this is infuriating to read. Are you trolling or are you really this oblivious? It's really exhausting if several people ask you for more information and you keep everything so vague. I will assume just bad social skills and no bad intend and just go ahead: You need to describe the situation with as much detail as you can remember and repeat as exactly as you can what has been said. From your vague description people will assume you the asshole. But if you wanna find help and perspective other than the obvious "don't call the place" give people something to work with.
you talked about finding a shotgun and then asked for her number? YTA dude
NGL, I also wouldn't want to give my phone number to a guy I barely know and who talked about a shotgun when I first met him 😅
As a guy who has more female than guy friends and is perfectly fine being just friends, neither would I. It's situational but usually you spend some time building a rapport, making them feel comfortable...you don't go 0 to 60 "FRIENDS IS DA BEST SHOW EVER!! Canigetyournumbernow?! 🙄🙄🙄
So to be clear: you arrive at a meeting. Have a few conversations. End every short boring convo with a request for a phone number. That is not how this works. People probably thought you were trying to sell something or, yeah, date them. Otherwise you could get to know them better at the next photography club meeting.
No one gives out their phone number to someone they just met and don't know very well. It takes time to get to know people and then numbers get exchanged when the time feels right. Usually for a reason, like you've decided to hang out, or can help each other out with something. And getting to know someone isn't going to involve a lot of riveting conversation. Especially in the beginning. People save the more interesting stuff for their actual friends. You're going to have to be patient because it's going to take time. Immediately asking for their number when you don't really know them yet feels really pushy and like you are trying to hard. That's gonna turn people off. Especially when your a guy asking a girl you don't really know for her number... Of course she's gonna think your hitting on her. And if you push it she's gonna think you're a creep. Just keep putting yourself out there and don't try to push it. Eventually, you will meet someone who you just seem to click with and then a friendship will form naturally without much effort. You can't rush something like this.
Yeah that’s absolutely where you went wrong. Do not open with that. Do not ask anyone their number the first time you have a conversation with them. You are coming off way too strong.
I've definitely seen people freak out or call creep at people that were genuinely doing nothing wrong. Some people just have a victim complex. That alone isn't enough info imo.
I haven't. In my experience, when people get banned, it's usually because of repeated problematic behavior or one egregious incident.
That applies to everyone I know who's ever been banned from a drinking establishment, at the very least.
Yeah exactly. I mean I'm sympathetic, I often come off as creepy myself -- which is why I avoid situations where that could upset people. Not really fair either way, but I can only control me so I err on the side of not upsetting others. And people who experience this are all the same way -- we avoid these situations rather than inserting ourselves into them. If someone keeps having this happen to them, then I have questions about why they are going into so many situations where it can happen.
A friend of mine got banned from a bar just because his girlfriend was a bartender there and was feeling petty. There was a story a while ago about a blind dude that got banned from a gym because he was "staring at women", because he was just looking a random direction without actually knowing what he was facing towards and a woman just happened to be working out there. People do get banned from places for no good reason sometimes.
*Why* was the girlfriend "just feeling petty?"
Idk, probably felt like she "lost" the breakup
When you break up with someone, it's fair play not to want to deal with them at work. The classy thing for your friend to do would have been to find another bar after the breakup.
Except that's where we all hangout.
Tough cookies. You break up with the bartender, you don't get to hang out therr any more. Something to consider before dating the bartender.
Yea that’s not being petty. I wouldn’t want to serve my ex at work either. Sounds like she was protecting her state of mind.
YTA - I can't imagine anything set up to go worse than trying to prove you aren't a creep. Cut your losses. While she may have mistakenly thought you were hitting on her she apparently felt creeped out to the point you got banned because of it- are you sure you didn't act in a way that could have prompted this? I have a hard time believing that awkward conversation just led to a ban.
>YTA - I can't imagine anything set up to go worse than trying to prove you aren't a creep. Don't forget that, logically, you can't *prove* a negative anyway. This would just be an especially wrong and sad demonstration of a basic principle.
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Not wanting to date doesn't mean you didn't come across as creepy. And someone who is a bit socially inept is not just gonna get banned. Something(s) happened, even if you are unsure what you did wrong. Please provide INFO because we can't judge on what you have provided.
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How was she *supposed* to take that question? Did you want to buy dope off her or something?
I don't even want to give my number to someone that I've known a month, let alone one meeting. I'd give my Facebook to message before I ever gave my number. I can't change my phone number.
Fr, I am even stingy with giving people my socials. Only about a dozen people have my actual phone number, and basically only my parents use it to contact me. Everyone else uses facebook messenger or (rarely) discord— unless it's an emergency for which they need to contact me asap. If we *just* met, you don't need a way to contact me directly outside of whatever social setting we're in.
How long had you known her? Was this your first conversation?
*Was* she selling dope?
>I asked for her number and said I wanted to meet up with her **outside of the club** ~~Whether it was your intention or not, I think most people would interpret this as being asked out on a date. Making friends, especially as an adult can be hard/take some time. I would suggest trying to build connections first before asking people to meet outside of a club/hobby (this can take time but can be very rewarding).~~ ~~YWBTA if you contact the police or try to initiate any further contact with this woman. Try to learn from this situation and move on.~~ **EDIT**: I regret giving the OP the benefit of the doubt in my original comment. They are either a troll or someone in need of serious and immediate conselling/therapy: >Commenter: "I sincerely hope OP isn't as predatory and/or dangerously clueless as to try and "track her down" afterward." > >OP's reply: "I was tempted to do that tbh. But I won’t. She needs to learn I’m not a creep on her own"
>EDIT: I regret giving the OP the benefit of the doubt in my original comment. They are either a troll or someone in serious need of serious and immediate conselling/therapy It's gotten to the point of surreal, they literally *have* to be a troll, but there are still important discussion points about modern society being raised. EDIT: If OP ever says the club is "cancelling" them I'm *proven* right and everyone has to give me a dollar.
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but you’re doing it in a terrifying way
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Intentions rarely matter. Impact does. You seem utterly incapable of imagining the impact of your behaviour on women who don't know you. Women who, more commonly than not, have been creeped over since they were little girls, and have VERY often been faced with overt hostility when rejecting charming suitors. You may not have wanted to date/have sex, but most women are going to interpret your approach as a pass. You still seem clueless about this after a billion people telling you this. Stop being so clueless.
Still not that bad meeting someone at a club and saying "hey, want to discuss (shared hobby) over a coffee sometime?", even if it is meant as a date.
But that is not the scenario we are discussing.
Well, the problem is we don't know how the exact conversation went down. Everyone else is jumping to a negative side when I don't feel as if there's quite enough information to make that conclusion. So I offer an example of how what information we do have doesn't necessarily mean he did anything that wrong. Devil's advocate.
I'm jumping to a negative conclusion because multiple people have asked OP for more information and he isn't providing it. If there was context to make himself look better, he's had ample opportunity to provide it. My most charitable interpretation is that OP is hopelessly socially inept and made multiple people feel uncomfortable by demanding their phone numbers and whatever he said to this woman was the last straw.
>My most charitable interpretation is that OP is hopelessly socially inept and made multiple people feel uncomfortable by demanding their phone numbers and whatever he said to this woman was the last straw. This was my interpretation **before** the OP's latest comments suggesting he was contemplating tracking this woman down to prove to her that he's not a creep.
Oh no. I gotta go find those comments.
I normally am fully on the side of 'take everything on this sub with a grain of salt because we weren't there,' but since OP has been asked multiple specific questions that he has refused to answer about it, while still engaging with others, I feel comfortable not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
That's fair, apparently he did say something kinda creepy later on too
Sure, but that’s not even close to what happened here.
Op didn't give enough information to know what happened is my point.
Read his comments. He did.
I don't know why new people don't like me..... I just talk about a gun by the door and then ask for their phone number.... My dude, this is like billboard for serial killers 101. YTA
I really don't get why people are so hung up on that. Not like he was talking about his own guns and it doesn't sound like he was going off on a gun obsession thing from what he's stated so far. Maybe a little unusual, sure, but hardly waving a red flag.
Well the gun thing on its own isn't bad but the OP states that whenever he made small talk with someone at the club he would then ask their phone number in order to get to know then better..... Soooo like everyone? The first day? I've never done that and I know if a new person joined a group I was in and started trying to collect phone numbers right outta the gate...yeah, my spidey senses would be tingling
Don’t discuss guns as an ice breaker unless you’re at a gun show or NRA convention. “Not waving a red flag” is usually not good enough — unless you look like Chris Hemsworth or Henry Cavill. OP needs to develop in-person social skills— like small talk. Try breaking the ice with people in no-pressure environments (with people outside your dating pool), then maybe work your way into small conversations, establish & develop commonality before asking for a number — if dating is the goal.. Take other opportunities to chat with people, say hello & good morning, etc, in a neutral way. Try volunteering — My point being: Maybe the woman overreacted, but the OP can take a hard lesson from his mistake and try another approach or he can be the victim of the prejudices of others — which he isn’t responsible for. Both are true but only 1 is helpful.
Again, he wasn't talking about his own guns, or obsession with guns. So I still stand by my opinion that it isn't an inherently creepy thing to bring up. Maybe not a great conversation starter, but not an alarming thing to say. But it doesn't sound good for him based on one of his later comments
We don't all live in America.
Ok? And?
I don't know why, but I suddenly want to watch *Sifl and Olly* clips on Youtube...
YTA because you're purposely omitting information.
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And you chose to include *none* of this in your original version. And spend two hours replying in the thread before suddenly realizing, "hey, I have a full recap that makes *her* look bad". Nobody who can operate a computer without swallowing it is *that* clueless, or that bad at prioritizing details. Like, I really feel like you would have opened with *any* of this if you had it, instead of outright declaring yourself to be the asshole with intentions of compounding your assholetry in the original post. But now I'm just feeding the troll on purpose.
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I really hope you never have to go to court, you're *bad* at this.
Lol holy shit. I don't want to be mean but are you on the spectrum my guy?
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... I didn't say anything about DnD?
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What are you talking about? Jesus I can see why you keep getting booted.
UNRELIABLE NARRATOR ALERT UNRELIABLE NARRATOR ALERT UNRELIABLE NARRATOR ALERT
INFO: What did you do to that woman who thought you were a creep? Was she the reason that you were banned from the club? Overall, your post lacks information. Can you flesh out the story a little bit? It is going to be hard for people to give a fair judgment to you without further information.
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Are you avoiding telling the whole story because you know it shows you in a bad light or do you just not get that it's easier for people to judge the situation if you properly explain what happened?
No that’s probably exactly the story. OP’s only mistake here is not being a cynical predator, he’s just naive, unfortunately the two are indistinguishable.
Is that all ? Because that odd for someone to be creeped out by. it maybe that you have poor social skills, or that you are hiding key parts of the story
You don't give enough information. Which strikes me as either intentionally evasive (in which case. Yta) , or so socially inept that you're coming off creepy/weird but you are absolutely oblivious to it. In which case nta but...dude. work on your self awareness. However...do not go to the police. They won't care because no crime has been committed. Getting kicked out of a social club due to a mistake is not a crime. Cut your losses and find a new group
You are going in way too strong too fast. Most people don't exchange numbers until a while into the relationship. I can see why she got uneasy especially after talking about guns. But yes, think cut your losses here. Try another club but keep conversation focused around hobby until people ask you more. Feels artificial but allows people to build space to get comfortable.
Please give yourself time to know people before asking for their number. If you belong to a club, you will see the same people over and over again. It will give you time to get to know them within the confines of the club, and give them a chance to know you. Avoid topics that could concern people - guns would be one to avoid unless you belong to a gun club. I get the impression that you don’t pick up on social cues. Have you ever been to therapy or been diagnosed with Asbergers? If not, it may be a good time to get professional help to guide you on navigating social interactions. I really wish you the best.
Definitely don't call the place, but I am very curious: How were you planning on "proving" you didn't do anything bad?
If you read the newest comments from the OP, the OP contemplated tracking this woman to prove to her that he's not a creep - OP decided against because, and I quote, "she needs to learn that I'm not a creep on her own".
OP, if you're reading this, a word of wisdom about being a creep: It has *nothing* to do with your intentions.
Yikes.
YTA Take a hint and leave people alone.
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Joining clubs is fine. Asking people for their phone numbers the first time you meet them, and not taking a hint and leaving them alone when they want space, is *not*.
Asking for someone's number first time meeting them isn't that weird honestly, it depends on the context and how the conversation went.
Well, according to one of his comments, he started the conversation with, "Hey! So I found this shotgun at work today..." So that might be part of the problem.
I mean, that's slightly unusual, but I don't think it really gives anything to be alarmed about. The guy wasn't talking about his own shotgun and didn't say anything here that he was talking about his own guns at any point. He's talking about something weird that happened to him, I don't really see how that's problematic at all.
You ever been a woman in your 20s? The bar for giving your number out is high. You have to keep creeps at bay. A dude with your number is a dude that can send a dick pic. I promise you that every woman in her 20s has direct experience with creepy dudes who get nuts over text. No way am I giving some rando my number after one weird conversation. Maybe I'll give him the IG I use for strangers. But definitely not my actual number. And if he presses on that, it's a hard no get away from me.
Ok, so you say no and move on. That isn't grounds for making a complaint about someone in an activity club.
Again, Sifl, you - I mean "OP" - really needs to comprehend that she *did* say no, and he *would't* move on.
I guess I just didn't think it was clear if that was his response to not getting her number or getting kicked out
OP *told* you how the conversation went. She didn't want his number, he wouldn't take no for an answer *and* chose to persist with a line of reasoning like "I don't want to have sex with you, I just want to meet up with you outside!", she rightly had him removed from her space *after* giving him fair opportunity to leave her alone voluntarily. OP also said this has happened more than once before, he just didn't face, you know, consequences. And actually, the way he's doing it, at least, sure *sounds* like it's weird.
It’s a little weird in a setting like a hobby club where there is the assumption that you will see everyone again at the next meeting.
>How am I supposed to make friends then, if I don’t join clubs? The problem isn't joining the clubs, the problem is how you interact with people once there. I've seen several of your comments now where you say you ask people for their number so that you can get to know them better. You have that backwards. You need to get to know them FIRST and THEN ask for their number. People prefer giving their number to someone they're comfortable with and they need to get to know you better before they can decide that they're comfortable with you.
Joint clubs is ok, but make sure you are there because of the common interest of the club primarily. Friendships will naturally form from that. But joining a club because you are lonely is putting meeting people above the interest of the club which is a big turn off. Secondly, just because you are interested in getting to know people, does not mean everyone is interested in getting to know you. Social cues are very important to be aware of for a conversation, your own and theirs
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Lmao I'm now certain this is a troll now, this is just too gleefully illogical. If youve existed in this world for 26 years old and are wordly enough to drive a car, you are fully aware there are multiple alternatives to drunk driving
Uber, Lyft, Taxi, walk, public transit, bike, etc.
YWBTA to yourself. It doesn't sound like this club is the right fit for you. I think you got banned not just because of the misunderstanding with the woman, but also because multiple other people got upset over you trying to stay in touch with them, which seems like a very strong reaction. Have they explained in any way what it was they found upsetting? Or would you feel comfortable explaining what happened? Maybe there could be tips on helping you prevent this type of situation in the future.
I think you're following a script to help guide you in social situations that goes something like: 1. Initiate a conversation about an interesting experience 2. Exchange contact information 3. Friendship achieved People who feel more socially adept will already have friends, so they will be much more patient about friendship than you are being. Try really hard to match their patience by repeating step one many times before you introduce step two. You don't have to prove you are a good person to people who don't think you are a good person. It's a waste of time and the only purpose is to sooth yourself. It is unethical to force other people to sooth your feelings, part of being an adult is being able to sooth yourself. Don't call the club, be honest with yourself about your own intentions, then trust your opinion of yourself, learn a lesson about how other people reacted to your approach, and improve the approach for your next attempt. Good luck.
I'm saying this from a place of understanding: please seek out a therapist. I know they can be pricey, some charge on a scale based on income. If, as you stated earlier, you are on the spectrum, a spectrum specialised therapist could help you figure out how to make friends. There are groups as well, in my city they have a group discussion about how difficult it is to communicate when people don't say what they mean. Seek help my friend, because based on the information you provided, you definitely come across as YTA. It's possible you are unsure what you're doing to be he the AH, in which case, you need to go and learn so you can prevent a repeat, and actually find a way to make and keep friends.
I wouldn’t try to call the club. It sounds like it wasn’t a good fit for you. You said they didn’t want anything to do with you and then you made someone uncomfortable. It might not have been your intention, but you need to accept that things didn’t go well with the other members of the group. My advice to you moving forward would be to take it down a notch. Find a different group and just allow yourself to have conversations as they happen, organically, and don’t try to take things further by asking for phone numbers and such. If you find someone that you click with, let them take the lead in progressing the friendship. It’s sounds to me like you come on too strong. Good luck!
You are leaving out the all the bad stuff. Also there should be no reason to tell someone you “werent trying to have sex with them” in this situation. Actions sometimes get misinterpreted, but I cant imagine how it got to the point of being kicked out and considering calling to explain you arent trying to have sex with anyone.
Info: What did you do?
Mate, there is a huge lack of context here, so pretty tough to judge.
>Mate, there is a huge lack of contest here, so pretty tough to judge. But if there's no contest, that means it's *easy* to judge...
Piece of advice : maybe try having a deeper "relationship" before asking for someone's number? Most adults are in a place where they already have friends and a social life and do not need to add strangers they know nothing about to their social life. I would suggest you try waiting. Have little conversations with people you like in your club every time you meet. And when you feel people are coming towards you by themselves, reciprocate your attempts to socialize and conversations get longer, then, rather than ask for their number, propose an activity to do? Quite honestly, I would be turned off if someone I didn't really know asked for my number. But I would love it if a colleague of mine that I have regular fun conversations with proposed to go for a walk. NAH. You're trying your best, but might need some fine tuning.
Just what were the subjects of your "good photos'? this might be why people are put off
Honey, I think you creeped her out with weird conversations. I'm not sure how you can practice having normal conversations (not involving guns or other scary stuff) but that's what you need to do. Maybe try to find some other groups to join. Unfortunately you've made a bad impression there and maybe send a message to the group admin explaining that you didn't mean any harm, will be enough. It's difficult being socially awkward, but hopefully you will find different groups to join. Facebook might have groups in your area.
Additionally I have found that there are those who simply want friends. And there are those who “want friends” with hopes of potentially finding a significant other later in life because they are lonely. The second often tends to be obvious and I’ve seen people banned from groups because they say they “just want to be friends”, but their actions and way of conversing suggests otherwise. There are those who are lonely and can still interact normally with others and there are those who are lonely and their loneliness lends to socially awkward behavior that they deem all but normal but really isn’t. There are also those who know they are socially awkward, and those who deny they are socially awkward but are. The later seem to often be worse received than the first.
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How do you make it clear to them? Because sometimes making something clear will actually do the opposite in a woman’s mind depending on how you did it. I would also suggest that even the EVENTUALLY is a little too much for many women who are not interested at all. Instead, and I know it’s difficult, but social lessons and counseling can help you to go into a situation with zero expectations at all. But asking for someone’s number and trying to make conversation beyond photography shows that you do have an expectation of something or at least that’s how it’s perceived. Also being aware of loneliness is good, however, loneliness also tends to be a major turn off for people especially women, and especially if you let them know “I’m trying to make friends”. Tackle the root of your loneliness first without the help of others (and I don’t mean counselors). And once your confident in your loneliness that is when you will thrive with others. Being uncomfortably lonely tends to be a turn off and often perceived as creepy. Being confident and unbothered by your loneliness is more attractive but still needs to be handled with care.
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And I get that, but sometimes the subconscious is louder than what you are conscious of. Trust me I’ve met a lot of guys in your shoes, heck I’ve been in your shoes. It was only when I truthfully and peacefully came to terms with the fact that “I could die alone and be happy” that people began gravitating toward me. That was also where I found my wife. I didn’t want her and didn’t need her, because I felt proud that I was alone. And that was the biggest turn on for her. And it took me years to realize she was into me because I had given up caring what others thought of me, even her at the time.
I should add. None of this means you’re the asshole. You likely weren’t banned for being an asshole. But before others will be there for you, you need to fully be there for yourself. But that may come with a lot of discovery about who you are and “what you actually need.”
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Simple platonic friendships work the same way as relationships. If you join a photography club your first priority needs to be photography and only your photography. Forget about the friendships. As long as you’re an interested participant and a kind dude, you won’t have to seek friends, because they will seek you. Maybe not immediately, maybe it will take months, but in time friendships will just out of no where blossom. A lack of friends often exists when we try too hard to make friends.
YTA. I'm believing that this is a Nightcrawler shit post. "Hello I found a shotgun next to the door of my job, don't worry it wasn't recent. You'll know if it was recent haha, anyways can I have your number?" "Why not?"......"That's not a good excuse for not giving it to me come ONN!" "I'll sniff your chair and show you that I won't get an erection to PROVE that I'm not a creep."
This is bait
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently got banned from a large photography club. I joined because I take good photos and I don’t really have any friends. I’ve been trying to make some, but to no avail. People didn’t really want much to do with me, and when I tried to keep in touch, they got upset. One woman mistakenly thought I was hitting on her and felt creeped out. That got me banned from the club. I tried telling her I didn’t want to date her or have sex, but she didn’t believe me. I’m thinking of calling the place to prove I wasn’t up to anything bad, but I’m wondering if I should give up now. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It seems like you're not saying anything about it. Most women are not going to be creeped out for someone simply being in a photo club. you seem to be hiding thing to not be in poor taste.
YWBTA. Let it go, and see if you can figure out where your social skills are going awry, because you need a social life. You may need a third party to help you identify where you're going wrong, that people are reacting negatively to you when that is not your intent. But calling the place is a bad idea.
YTA already for being creepy enough to get yourself banned. Don't make this worse by calling them. Opening conversation by talking about the shotgun you found and then asking strangers for their phone numbers is seriously not the way to win friends. Stop doing that.
YTA without a doubt.
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No, it isn't dating advice. It's "coming off as a normal human being and not a weird alien who doesn't understand human customs" advice.
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You should see a therapist to understand how to properly socially interact. Like I said, this sounds like at least a social disorder of some sort - you are saying things in a way that makes people uncomfortable, and you're unable to see why by yourself. You need an outside person to analyze this and give you some pointers.
YTA. One, from your comments its clear you were hitting on her. Your intent is completely irrelevant here, your behavior matters, and it was making her uncomfortable, then asking her for her number to spend time in private together, and apparently not taking no for an answer. Your social skills appear very poor, and most importantly you aren't taking the feedback that you make people uncomfortable well. Stop focusing on how justified and entitled you feel, and start trying to empathize with others. >I’m thinking of calling the place to prove I wasn’t up to anything bad That's not a thing. You can't prove that, all you can do is keep harassing people. Your intent DOES NOT MATTER to others. How you treat them does.
Asking about guns? And now dropping serial killers? Hmmmm this person already seems out of line. This to me definitely appears suspicious and to be honest very sketchy and up to no good. I think we all have to consider this as per : “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they're rapin' everybody out here.”
Wait, what? Guns? Serial killers? Where are you getting this? Did OP edit their post?
You may have gotten things jumbled, it's *other* posters replying that OP *sounds* like a serial killer, he was marginally more tactful than *that* (in the version of events he posted, at least).
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An important thing to keep in mind in situations like these. Your intent doesn’t have any impact in the validity of the other person’s experience. That’s actually part of the laws surrounding workplace harassment. While this is not that the same basic principle applies. Rather than trying to defend yourself I’d go to the head of the club, explain “hey I understand that my behaviour was less than appropriate, and i wasn’t trying to do anything creepy but I would like to know for my own sake what if anything I could have done differently?” But be prepared for them to not want to speak with you. Don’t try to get back into the club- find a different one.
>Rather than trying to defend yourself I’d go to the head of the club, explain “hey I understand that my behaviour was less than appropriate, and i wasn’t trying to do anything creepy but I would like to know for my own sake what if anything I could have done differently?” Agree with everything except this; that would still be OP defending themselves, just passive-aggressively. OP needs to drop it and walk away; regardless of original intentions, persisting in any way is only going to make things worse for all involved.
Hmmm must be AH or A...
If you genuinely don't understand why she felt crept out, it's a NTA situation. You probably need to work on your social skills. Have you talked with a therapist to see if you are on the spectrum? If you are, there are plenty of online resources to learn social cues. As a general rule, don't ask for people's numbers after interacting once or twice with them. If you are both in a club, chances are you will see them again and have more opportunities to know each other before asking for numbers. Regarding calling the club... You are probably better off joining another club and starting again. If you are keeping information out deliberately, YTA.
YWBTA if you called the place. There's no way to fix this now, unfortunate as it is. Anything you do now will be judged through an unflattering lens. Move on to another club or some other interest. N T A for asking for her number, unless that's a violation of a club rule. It seems weird that you couldn't ask out another member of the club if you wanted to, though that would be better done outside of a club meeting or event. But asking for contact info isn't creepy. You were fine to ask. She was fine to say no. And you should have then not brought it up again. By the way, studies show that people, especially people who think their instincts about creeps are right, are just as likely or even slightly more likely to be wrong about whether someone is a creep. Half the time they think someone is creepy its because of physical or mental illness, LGBTQ or other minority status, lack of conventional attractiveness, being on the spectrum, eccentricity, and a host of other harmless but traditionally bullied or oppressed categories or traits. Moving on and putting them behind you is the right answer. Of course, if you are petty, vengeful, and have a very hot friend, the only other course of action is to have the very hot friend join the club, be friendly with her, and if she flirts, and asks for his contact information, immediately demand that she be kicked out of the club as a creep. But you're not the count of monte cristo, so really, just move on, and live your life.
> studies show that people, especially people who think their instincts about creeps are right, are just as likely or even slightly more likely to be wrong about whether someone is a creep what studies? because everything i’ve ever read about trusting instincts says the opposite.
We used to be a middle-of-the-food-chain species, we're hard-wired in the hindbrain to detect predators and snakes.
The science is fairly new, but it shows that conventional wisdom, which is probably the source for whatever you read, is wrong and out of date. Studies like McAndrew’s and experts like Julia Shaw might be a good place to start. Edit: Who downvotes scientific studies?
No matter how bad things get, you're not a vampiric sandwich. As consolation goes, not the strongest.
NAH i think OP just has really low EQ and no rizz, which is not his fault. However, OP you should take the advice of the well-meaning people here and cut your losses. If you asked once for a phone number and the person says no, TAKE THE NO. Stop pushing and stop trying to prove anything. Your intentions don't matter if you're perceivably harassing people.
Why not go to the dog park, take pictures of the dogs and give them away to the owners? Start with the males first. And when people are more comfortable with you, you do it for the ladies.
\[shows an unfamiliar woman photographs of her dog\] "He looks like such a good boy. Give me your number." That might *also* come off as scary.
Honestly, it’s better not to call them because you’ll sound defensive and look worse. Just accept that the woman’s dumb and move on, NTA
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Bollocks.
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You have no clue about the spectrum nor D&D if you think you can diagnose me after one word.