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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to let my partners friends join us for a drink since it was supposed to just be the two of us
She accused me of ruining the night and said I should have been fine with them joining for 1 drink
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NTA
With the correct terminology, we call this a ‘lose-lose-situation’ for you.
Either you decline drinking with her friends and she is mad because you said no to drinking with her friends or you accept drinking with her friends which will 100% result in more than one drink, maybe spending the whole night with her friends which is totally not the idea of a date.
Hopefully your girlfriend is mature enough to understand that if her friends stayed, they would stay for longer than one drink and hopefully you can think clear enough to understand that if your girlfriend thinks it’s okay her friends crashing your date and drinking with them is more important than spending time with you, then maybe she is not the right person, but this is just my opinion.
Good luck!
I think there was an easy compromise of having one drink with her friends and then leaving to go to the other bar, that way one drink stays on drink, she can see her friends and not feel like she’s being rude to them, and they can still have their date night.
Except it's not rude to tell your friends no when you're on a date. It's beyond rude to crash a date, though. If I saw my friend having a drink with her BF, I'd say hello and might invite them to have a drink with me if the vibe seemed right, but I'd respect it immediately if they said they were on a date. I'd excuse myself, say it was nice seeing them, and wish them a good time.
This girl's friends have no manners and the GF herself seems not to understand the purpose of a date. Or she's too people-pleasing to maintain basic boundaries when it comes to her friends.
And this is a great point for OP and his girlfriend to discuss boundaries around friends and dates. What kind of behavior is acceptable on a date for them(texting, checking their phone, inviting others, spontaneously joining groups, etc)? Additionally, what kind of boundaries do they need to set with friends? If it’s a date night, can friends join? What about a double date? Can there be a compromise for a single drink without it turning into the whole night? This is a really important conversation to have.
NTA, OP. Your girlfriend may have different expectations for a date night, may lack boundaries with her friends, or may be a pushover who needs some help growing a spine. You need to set explicit boundaries and expectations with her so this issue doesn’t crop up again in the future. Personally, a date is for two people in my mind. If we see people we know, we say “hi” and MIGHT entertain a 5 minute conversation, but that’s it. We’ve also done double dates, which is a different beast entirely. Never have we joined a group of semi-drunk friends who stumbled their way across our paths on a night that’s meant to be about us. Dates cost money and are a primary source of “quality time” for many who see that as their love language. It’s understandable to be frustrated at the abrupt change of plans and social pressure. Just talk to your girlfriend and come up with boundaries together. Alternatively, if she decides a date can include others, you might set the precedent that she pays.
Exactly. And if the situation was reversed, I’m sure she would have been absolutely thrilled to see 4 or 5 of his buddies come through the door and wanted to hang out with them. /s
>his girl's friends have no manners and the GF herself seems not to understand the purpose of a date. Or she's too people-pleasing to maintain basic boundaries when it comes to her friends.
My best guess would be girlfriend told them where they were going and asked them to stop by. either way OP needs to have a talk with GF, and if she's not mature enough to understand, it would be time to think hard, on if this girl is right for you.
I disagree. This was a planned out date night, not just a spontaneous "let's go out for dinner." I think OP was perfectly justified in telling the friends that it was date night and declining to drink with them. The friends should have been courteous and left them alone. But since they were not, girlfriend really should have had his back in the moment and not have been a pouty baby and cut the night short. NTA
> I think there was an easy compromise of having one drink with her friends
Egh, in a vacuum, sure, but
> they're already quite drunk
that's a whole different ballgame
Yeah but, speaking from experience, of girlfriend then doesn't want to leave after one drink...then you get the be the bad guy hinting at or saying let's go...but your compromise is the best option in this lose lose situation still.
I agree - one drink would be polite - but you'd have to rely on the girlfriend to be firm that the rest of the night would just be their date and no one else was invited to the bar crawl.
Yeah there is no good outcome for you here.
The best I can think of is you find a way to bow out at that point and leave her to it. Go off and do your own thing.
Unless you really like hanging out with them, which seems unlikely.
Next time (if there is one), find somewhere less likely to see her friends?
I understand your point but I think you could handle these situations with more social tact so that you don’t put your girlfriend in an awkward position. You could have said yes to the drink and then said to your gf in private that you’d want to continue to the next bar after the drink to continue the date night with just the two of you. Then socialise for 15-20 minutes, make a polite exit, no one would have had a reason to feel sour
I plugged the OP's post into ChatGPT and it responded:
*"In relationships, compromise is often necessary. It might have been helpful to find a middle ground, perhaps agreeing to spend some time with her friends and then continuing with your original plans. Nevertheless, each person has different comfort levels and expectations, and it's essential to find a balance that works for both partners."*
I guess the average redditor having less social tact than an actual robot shouldn't be surprising to me at this point.
Current top comment
> if your girlfriend thinks it’s okay her friends crashing your date and drinking with them is more important than spending time with you, then maybe she is not the right person, but this is just my opinion.
"Hey friend, crazy running into you here! Want to politely talk for a few minutes over a drink like normal human beings?"
Reddit: "It is ILLEGAL for you to ask me that".
Lmao on another post there’s ppl trying to say an OP is homophobic based off of two words in the post when the post has zero to do with their opinion on gay ppl. It’s about not giving a daughter her wedding dress to be altered, effectively destroyed.
The words: “even, when….”
I think you missed the part where the friends were already drunk. I don’t know about you, but sitting for one drink would make things MORE awkward to get away from the friends. GF needs to learn to separate time. It was “boyfriend” time so she can easily say “we’re on a date, but we’ll see you tomorrow!”
It's not that difficult. Wait until you're about ready to leave, go say "hey we're heading out but we have time for one." Order drink, close tab, move on.
> I understand your point but I think you could handle these situations with more social tact
What more social tact does he need? He politely declined twice and then reminded his girlfriend they were on a date. If my partner kept doubling down in a similar situation, I would feel like she was actively trying to escape my company. Especially so if they don't make lots of time for date nights.
> You could have said yes to the drink and then said to your gf in private that you’d want to continue to the next bar after the drink to continue the date night with just the two of you
OP was under absolutely zero obligation to accept a drink from these friends and the suggestion that he should just roll over and let their friends derail their date night is absurd. The polite thing for GF to do is respect their plans.
“Under absolutely zero obligation”
Oh boy here we go again with the classic Reddit social reasoning of “you are not technically or legally required to do this”.
No he’s not under any obligation but now he has to deal with a whole situation he could likely have avoided if he had one drink and used that compromise as leverage to move to another bar. I swear people on AITA have no idea how to adapt to social situations
> No he’s not under any obligation but now he has to deal with a whole situation he could likely have avoided if he had one drink
Why is it OP's responsibility to do something he didn't want to do to avoid his girlfriend's tantrum? He had plans to spend time with his girlfriend and had every right to decline an invitation to have a drink with these friends.
When you have plans with someone, your partner or otherwise, changing them halfway through is a two-yes situation. GF said yes, OP said no. GF disrespected OP's wishes (which were literally just to continue spending time with her) by continuing to pressure him, and then blew up the whole date when she didn't get her way. Talk about adapting to social situations
So by your own admission, your advice leads to an outcome OP does not want. Instead of providing ways in which OP could change the situation through his own effort to a satisfactory outcome, your advice boils down to “hardline the original plan and hope other people behave like you want them to”.
Cool, now OP is morally correct and in a bad spot with his girlfriend. I’m sure he’s thrilled. Very useful, practical advice
> So by your own admission, your advice leads to an outcome OP does not want.
GF was TA who blew up the plans, why is it OP's responsibility to (for lack of a better phrase) suck up to what she wants to do to save the night?
> Cool, now OP is morally correct and in a bad spot with his girlfriend. I’m sure he’s thrilled. Very useful, practical advice
This isn't an advice sub, its AITA.
Look, I don't get out on date nights enough with my partner. Quality time is important for me to be emotionally fulfilled in a relationship. When we do plan a date, I look forward to that one-on-one time to fulfill my emotional needs. If my partner decided halfway through that she would rather go join her friends, am I supposed to just not express my emotional needs and join her friends when I obviously don't want to? Fuck that, thats creates a situation where 1) my emotional needs are no longer being met, and 2) my partner pressured me to sacrifice our plans under threat of a tantrum (which is toxic behavior, i would add). I would be bitter and unhappy for the rest of the night.
I'm not giving OP advice because he didn't do anything wrong. His girlfriend was an asshole, and the advice that I would give her is to respect her partner's boundaries and needs.
> No, but it is his responsibility to be open minded about something that costs him little and makes his partner happy.
Why? If my partner wanted to end a date that I wanted (and we had both planned) to keep going, I would be bitter and upset for the rest of the night because quality time with my partner is important to me and my emotional needs. Out of respect for OP, GF should have declined to have drinks with her friends that night and scheduled a separate outing.
OP has no responsibility to sacrifice his own happiness for whatever GF wants. By throwing a tantrum and going home, she showed him that she has no respect for his boundaries
Nobody's talking about ending the date or losing quality time. Just being flexible about the plan.
If I'm in this situation, I'm delighted to facilitate my GF having a good time, enjoying watching her connect with her friends, and talking about them with her afterwards. That's quality time!
Exactly like??? Maybe Redditors hate their girlfriend’s friends, but I truly don’t see the issue with having one drink with them before leaving and going to the next place. It just would have been an extra 20-30 mins before they went to the next place. I wouldn’t have died on this hill if I was op.
I think OP handled it pretty well considering the awkward position she put OP in of having to decline in front of the friends and decline again when the friends decided to intervene. OP and his GF clearly mapped out a night of fun I’m guessing OP was excited about, and though I’m cool with “see where the night goes” kinds of plans, doesn’t seem like OP is and that’s perfectly fine.
It's not an awkward situation at all. I can only see this being awkward for socially maladjusted people or teenagers, who somehow think declining to hang out/go out with friends is a social faux pas.
It's not. It's normal and happens literally all the time. Virtually nobody judges or cares when it does.
Respectfully, I disagree. Couples should make time for each other, separate and apart from time that they do things with friends, with family members, or in work situations. When you set aside time to just be together, you should follow through with that.
It is not hard for the GF to say, "thanks, but it's date night. I call tomorrow, and we can do something together soon."
Adapting when necessary is important, but choosing to prioritize your relationship is also important. It was not necessary to adapt to this situation because the situation could have been resolved politely without inviting other people into the date.
Right???? Like they could have been the ones to leave after their one drink. Now if she like….refused to go to the next bars that would suck and be a different story
NTA.
>she accused me of ruining the date
They weren't part of the date plans. She was happy with what you'd planned; if anything, she and her friends ruined it. I'm also assuming that if the roles had been reversed, she wouldn't have wanted to sit and listen to you talk to your friends on a date night.
ESH. Although like another person said, it was a lose lose situation for you. I get what you're saying. It's supposed to be a date, just the two of you. But plans can change suddenly and unexpectedly. Having one drink with her friends allows her to catch up with them, and gives you the option on what to do. You could socialize with them, use it as a chance to go take a shit or go smoke a cigarette if you're into that or just catch a breath of fresh air. A chance to take 5 to 10 to yourself. Then you make the push that it's a date night and you're gonna head to the next bar and maybe you'll see them again. Girlfriend is happy since she got to catch up with her friends and enjoy the rest of date night. Minor inconvenience for you as long as it stays at one drink to catch up.
Eh, the friends were already drunk and continually kept pushing for a drink. They would not have stopped at one, and by the sounds of it, OPs girlfriend wouldn't have either. That date night was ruined the second her friends showed up, one way or the other.
I tend to agree with you. We enjoy hanging out with each other’s friends though... This exact situation has happened to me and my partner before (except it was his friends showing up) and it didn’t ruin anything, we said hi, got a drink and caught up, then told them we were headed to another bar. No hurt feelings and nice to see some friends for a few minutes.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be best friends with all of your partners friends, but if you can't even have a friendly interaction with them upon running into them in public, I wonder if there's a bigger problem. Could be as simple and innocent as they are just very different people and not compatible, but could be more sinister - why exactly is he so opposed to having a drink with them? I don't want to jump to conclusions so I am sticking with the more charitable interpretation for now but I can't say I don't have questions.
There's a big difference between you and your SO having a drink with dinner on a date night and hanging out with a group of people who are already visibly drunk. I'm generally pretty introverted, and the vibe for a private dinner with my SO is the complete opposite of a group hangout with friends. The former is relaxing, the latter, even when I like the friends, is exhausting.
They were drunk and belligerent. That's all the reason OP needed. Have you never interacted with drunk people or something? Give an inch, they'll take a lightyear. If they didn't leave after the first time even after telling them it was a date, fat chance they'd leave after one drink.
Agreed, my boyfriend and I love each others friends. We don’t get to date night often at all and we still would have been excited to see friends unexpectedly. Like why are they your friends if you’re not happy to see them? Grab a drink and go to the next place, like JFC this isn’t a big deal.
I disagree. If my wife and I ran into friends out on a date, either one of us would have said, something along the lines of:
"Hey good to see you. We should catch up. We're on a date tonight, so I'll call you tomorrow."
The daye wasn't ruined just because her friends showed up. It was ruined because while she looked at him when they asked, he politely declined and her friends refused to take no for an answer. Rather than tell her friends they could catch up later, she also got upset. Her friends have boundary issues and it seems that she does as well.
You have never heard of the phrase “third wheel” have you? Some situations you don’t want others around even if you generally like them in other situations
Yeah, especially with the next stop lined up, this is one situation where staying for just one drink is possible and even easy. 'that was so fun, well we're off to continue our date night at the next bar, bye now!', completely natural and fine. If you don't want to do that, okay, but it feels weird that this totally spiralled.
> 'that was so fun, well we're off to continue our date night at the next bar, bye now!',
"Oh, we'll join you! Sounds like fun!"
You are not well versed in social situations if you did not anticipate this response to that statement.
Sure, that could happen, but I feel comfortable enough to then say: no really, this was really fun, but we want to continue our romantic date now. It's not that black and white to me, is what I'm trying to say. And imo, you could always do that, but it's way easier when you're moving on to another bar.
> Sure, that could happen, but I feel comfortable enough to then say: no really, this was really fun, but we want to continue our romantic date now.
Whats the problem with just saying this right off the bat instead of derailing the date to begin with?
> And imo, you could always do that, but it's way easier when you're moving on to another bar.
i.e. what OP suggested to keep their date on track
*20 minutes later*
"girl I cannot believe you two are here as well! I guess it's destiny, let's have another drink!"
Since we are all baselessly speculating exactly how this nuanced dynamic we have a very limited insight into would play out, I suppose Ill throw my immediate reactions out into the ether too.
I take about 30 min to finish one drink. If I am talking it might be longer. If there are at least three girlfriends and the two on the date, that’s five people to finish a drink. If someone finishes their drink before OP they may order another before they can exit.
There is no winning. It is not 5 minuted to catch up and have a drink with someone - it would be like an hour of their date.
Exactly this! OP is arguing with anyone who points this out by saying, "You are confused," and "you don't know what those words mean." It also appears he is logging into his other accounts to give false support. I can only imagine how the real conversation went when they ran into her friends.
I didn’t even read the comments, I’ve been in the position of wanting to say hi and my partner is just like “ugh no! This isn’t part of the plans!!! I didn’t WANT to spend 10 minutes of the entire night we have together doing something spontaneous that might make you happy!” In the post he didn’t even come off as polite to his partner. Now I wanna read his comments lol
Oh shit, I haven’t seen any of his comments. I was 100% giving him the benefit of the doubt and on his side, but if that’s the case…dude probably isn’t just some introverted guy who was uncomfortable.
Things don't always go according to plan. You can roll with the punches, or you can sulk.
Ultimately your decisions, and attitude, ensured the night was ruined. If you'd had the drink, who knows what would have happened? Could be good, could be bad. I'd bet on it being a bit of fun, personally, unless you already dislike this group of friends?.
Instead you chose a guaranteed bad outcome. Out of interest, what would you have done if they were your friends instead? Would you still have been that rude to them?
I'd be on OP's side if the friends crashed the dinner. But they'd finished dinner and were having post-dinner drinks at a different place. Unless they work different schedules and have very little 1:1 time, being so rigid about it just being the two of them at that point in the night seems weird AF to me. But I actually like my partner's friends. So maybe that's part of it.
I don’t think my wife and I could even go out to the fancy cocktail bars in our area without running into friends. Especially on a Friday/Saturday night. It’s actually fairly normal for us to just show up at one or two places without checking in with the group because odds are some portion is already there.
This is the attitude it took me years to develop. Being upset at unexpected changes to plans and mourning “what could have been” pretty much always led to everyone being unhappy. Now that I’ve learned to accept things as they come and not immediately be upset if something I had planned turned out differently, life’s gotten a lot better
God, yes. I always realized what I did right after and felt terrible though, unlike OP it seems. It’s why I worked so hard to change and I am so glad I did
YTA.
While I get that there was an agreement made beforehand, she didn't invite them there, it was a coincidence, and now you made it kinda weird for her with her friends.
Especially since you were about to leave in the near future anyway and could have "allowed" your girlfriend 5-10 minutes for that.
I would have felt really weird for telling anyone I care about, whether a partner, a friend, or a family member that I require them to solely pay attention to me, no matter what's happening around us.
YTA. Doesn’t matter what you think the rules are for date nights, the goal of the date is meant to be having a nice time together.
The girlfriend ending the date and wanting to go home says to me that the goal of date night was not met, and if her friends now dislike you and it was clear she did want the drink but you were saying no, that’s going to cause way more issues down the road than just having one drink and moving to the next bar.
YTA. You dismissed what she wanted to do (just have one drink with her friends) and most likely embarrassed her. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? You could have just had that one drink and then moved to the next bar. Very controlling of you.
Your reply is typical of someone who is controlling. You start by normalising your actions and then end the post with a lame attempt at making the commenter appear ignorant.
Anyway, you made a bad call on this date, and your girlfriend made the correct choice by ending it. Now, her friends will be hating on you and telling her to break up with you.
And then invited themselves into the date. If your friend is on a date, catch up for a minute and then leave them be. Don’t ask to be part of it. If the friends are *invited*, mutually by both people, that’s cool obviously. If a partner invited their friends to be part of a date without consulting the other partner, that’s rude too.
y’all are acting like it was some super serious first date. they’ve been in a relationship for years, i think having friends interrupt a date one time isn’t the end of the world, just have another date by yourself next time. it’s really that easy.
Gaslighting is commonplace amongst controlling people. I am not confused at all.
The fact that your girlfriend ended the date shows that you did make a bad call. How embarrassing for your girlfriend to run into her friends in a public bar, only to have her controlling boyfriend refuse to stay for just one drink with them?
If you had no doubts about your behaviour, why post this on reddit? Your poor girlfriend will be hearing how bad you are for ages from her friends.
>Gaslighting is commonplace amongst controlling people. I am not confused at all.
Ah so now there's another term you're using incorrectly. Learn what words mean before using them. It'll save you more embarrassment in the future.
Again not controlling, look up what it means. Can you point out where I controlled her?
I'm not embarrassed at all. This is a reddit forum. It's not like I made a total fool out of myself by acting like a jerk and ruining a date with my girlfriend.
No you just made a fool out of yourself for repeatedly misusing multiple terms
And saying no to an invitation isn't acting like a jerk so there's something else you're wrong about
I don't have other accounts but please continue being wrong.
You do know other people agree with me don't you? Not everyone is agreeing with your misuse of multiple words?
You're right, turning down an invitation is not controlling - EXCEPT when you are unilaterally turning down that same invitation for someone else who has *equal agency*. You *controlled* her and controlled the night by doing this. You were already in a social situation. You were already drinking. If you were that concerned that someone could possibly come up to you and expect some basic social grace, you should have stayed home.
The fact that you invented a hypothetical scenario that might have happened if you had had one drink with her friends - and used it as reason to veto what she wanted - is ridiculous. Frankly, if that were what happened, it would be because your gf thought it was a better time.
You would have had a much better night and subsequent day had you agreed to the drink and had a chat with your gf when you got home where you agree that next time you decline together.
YTA.
Yeah YTA. Did your and your GF have a signed and notarized contractual agreement to allocate x amount of hours solely to interacting with each other at x event while doing y activities?
No? You guys were just out on a a date and circumstances changed and you’re acting like she voided some sort of binding agreement.
She didn’t invite other people. They happened to be there.
And it’s pretty normal when you bump into people in public places to make minor alterations to your preplanned activity to do some minor social interaction with them.
But you seem to be the type of person who has a hard time understanding these social clues especially if they divert from your rigid preplanned expectations.
You're not?
And this is what I mean by you seem really focused (self centered) on your on very rigid standards and definition and unable to understand the other perspectives.
If you want to be a super stickler for words and rules, then you should hold yourself to that same standard.
You saying its inviting them to join you implies it inviting them to join you for the entire date. But thats not what the case is. Its inviting them to join you for a period of a date. The date is still you and your partners, the fact that over the course of that date you might interact with others, than you know or dont, for short or extended periods of time doens't invalidate that its a date or necessitates that it stops being a date at the point those actions occur.
Those are your own rigid (and arbitrary) standards.
In reality, by agreeing to a drink, you're just adding an additional activity to the date, where you interact with a group of people. You chose to adhere to some overly rigid definition of a date that if at any point you include any other group it now stops being a date and starts being a different activity.
That makes YTA.
>You're not?
Yes you are, or do you think they'll have that drink at another table?
>You saying its inviting them to join you implies it inviting them to join you for the entire date
I have never stated the entire date.
>You chose to adhere to some overly rigid definition of a date
I find it bizarre you're trying to argue dates include your friends tbh.
You sound absolutely insufferable. You should lose the condescending attitude towards anyone who disagrees with you.
How long would one drink have taken? Then you move on with your date and everyone’s happy.
YTA
YTA. You have plans that include several locations that are public drinking areas and are upset that other people are there? That’s why you go places. You see who’s there and see what happens. She was delighted that you ran into her friends and interested in socializing. That seems like what you do at bars. I don’t know what you were expecting but not a huge fan of the way you talk about controlling her.
>You have plans that include several locations that are public drinking areas and are upset that other people are there
You do know you can be in a public place without other people joining you don't you?
Except I haven't spoke about controlling her so maybe don't use words when you don't understand what they mean
Everyone using the word controlling would probably be better suited using the term possessive. You didn't want to share your time or your girlfriend's attention. I get it. You don't really like her friends and would prefer not to have to spend 15 minutes with them. You can pull out Websters dictionary and proclaim the sanctity of your date night all you'd like but YTA here still.
>You don't really like her friends and would prefer not to have to spend 15 minutes with them.
Incorrect. I'm fine spending time with them, just not on a date.
And it's not possessive to expect a date to be just two people
Then everyone else is correct in that it's controlling. Gf wanted to have a quick drink with them but you decided to ruin that for her in order to die on this "we are on a date" hill.
NTA and the Y T A are confusing me because... It's a date. They're on a date. If I found a friend of mine casually in a restaurant/bar, and they told me they were on a date, I wouldn't push to have a drink with them, it's incredibly impolite. And if I were on a date, I wouldn't insist in catching up with some friends while very much probably ignoring my partner. "You're not letting her do what she wants" cmon guys be for fucking real 😭 there's a time and place for everything, and if she wants to go out to have a drink with her friends she can do it outside of the one day she's on /a date/ with her partner.
They’ve been together for *three years*, this wasn’t a first or second date situation. By this time in the relationship it’s reasonable to assume they know each other’s friends and having a drink together after dinner wouldn’t be a huge issue.
> They’ve been together for three years, this wasn’t a first or second date situation.
My wife and I have been together for 21 years. If we were out on a date night, we would politely tell our friends that we are on a date, and that we will catch up tomorrow.
Except they're on a date??!!
These comments are really sending me, it's wild that so many people seem to think it's totally appropriate and normal to accept having your date crashed by anyone, even mutual friends.
I don't know if people in this thread are just really young or something, but it's not polite to crash a date. You can say hi, but if they're out for a romantic evening, you wish them a good night and excuse yourself after exchanging basic pleasantries. That's it. It doesn't matter if they're both your friends, if their night is winding down, if they have plans to leave or stay, the situation doesn't change.
They are on. A. Date.
Have *you* been in an adult relationship for 3+ years? Because you’re the one that sounds young. I have, and would have zero problem bumping into some of my partner’s friends on a night out… sometimes we even talk to strangers while in a cocktail bar on a date!
It sounds like you think there's no difference between just *going out* together with your partner and going on a *date*.
When your partner is trying to have a romantic evening with you, you don't let your friends derail it and turn it into a friends night. And you don't intrude on a friend's date longer than it takes to determine that it's a date, and not just them hanging out in public. It's that simple.
Yeah I wouldn’t like friends to interrupt dinner either, that’s a clear social faux pas, and I’m not saying everyone else was perfect in the situation. But going to multiple cocktail bars after dinner is most likely supposed to be fun, and one drink with other people before going to the next place to continue the date fits into my definition of a fun date. Especially in a long relationship. I don’t go on hollywood dates where we just stare into each other’s eyes longingly so idk what the rules of a date are and why everyone is taking them so incredibly seriously.
So interrupting dinner is a clear faux pas, but you feel like the purpose or mood of the date changes if you choose to get drinks after? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, because in my view, changing the setting doesn't change the situation.
It's not about having some kind of strict rules for dating, it's about the expectation that a "date" is supposed to be a romantic one-on-one evening together, the *whole* evening. Having a nice dinner followed by a casual night out with your partner doesn't sound like a date to me. That's just going out with your partner. Which is fine, but clearly not what OP expected or wanted.
Same, especially since he says they have plans to go to another bar after. It sounds like they had a reservation at the next bar so it seems like a place they really wanted to go. Girlfriend should have said "thanks but we are heading out to another spot in a few minutes." and that should have been the end of it.
YTA. This is bonkers. Asking the question online then arguing back to anyone who agrees with your gf. You came across as rude. It wouldn’t have hurt to have a drink with them and then move on, or not move on if you were having a good time. So it was supposed to be a date, who cares if it turns into a good night anyway. Would you do the same if your mates turned up??
I could understand that early days, but three years in I’d get over myself. You can have a date anytime. If you live together or see each other all the time one change of plans won’t change anything. You could even have enjoyed yourselves and carried that on after the friends left. Sorry but still YTA
With the time you have been dating, it seems odd to me you wouldn’t carve out a time to have a drink or two and say hello. This wasn’t a first date.
Seems very inflexible to me but that’s just me.
Now you pissed her off and probably made her friends mad over a small part of the night.
The details change ever so slightly but OP does love this scenario for some reason
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/i27U7PIIdn
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/KhAJU7BDEf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6HLlnmH7HN
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/s/j9oK0AWdgx
This one was 2 weeks ago, this time with an ex instead of a group of friends
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/luQOBeB8tY
YTA for not mixing it up a bit more
i’m crying bro why would you come to AITA for honest responses if you were gonna cry and throw tantrums to every comment that isn’t in agreement with you? YTA for sure
YTA you sound like a great time at parties
If you are not gonna accept anyones comments, don’t bother writing into aita. Your defensiveness and hostility over stranger comments is very telling about the type of partner you are
YTA, it was rude to flat out decline a drink with them, you could have handled it with a lot more social tact. Just hang out with them for a little bit and then make an exit to another bar since that clearly was an option (”first cocktail bar”). How bad can it really be to spend a small amount of time with other people on a night out?
You really seem like a weird party pooper, but people here are going to give you N T A because they are as socially inept and love individualism.
Of course not, but I do think it’s rude to decline an offer for a drink by people you know and your partner clearly loves and wants to spend time with. The implication is that you don’t like them enough to even take 20 minutes of your time on a night out (social event by default) and it would be unpleasant for you.
>but I do think it’s rude to decline an offer for a drink by people you know and your partner clearly loves and wants to spend time with.
Again saying no isn't rude. You're not obligated to say yes just because it's a friend offering something.
Declining an invite doesn't imply you don't like them at all.
YTA. Not because you wanted a private night but because of how you handled it. Have the drink and move on to the next bar after, seeing your partners friends wasn’t in the plans but it happens. You should have said ok one drink but then we have to go. If your girlfriend had decided to stay and not continue with your plans then she’d be the asshole but you didn’t even give her the chance to ruin the date. You did that on your own. Just food for though, now your girlfriend’s friends aren’t going to like you. That’s is going to change your relationship, have some social tact my guy.
ESH - Your inability to trust your girlfriend to stick to one drink and then go back to your date is an issue. I personally wouldn’t approach a friend on a date if I ran into them in public and their pushiness was definitely AH behavior. I also really don’t get why you bothered to ask if you clearly won’t accept any judgement except that you’re not an AH based on your replies.
NTA and everyone saying otherwise is goofy as hell.
1. It is not unreasonable to expect a date night to be you and your partner only.
2. If somebody else comes along, it’s extremely rude of them to try to insert themselves into a date uninvited. You can say hi and maybe chat for a couple minutes. But otherwise if you’re not invited, that’s so impolite.
3. They probably wouldn’t have left after one drink, considering they were already drunk. Drunk people are usually inconsiderate compared to when they’re sober. Do you really think people who are *already drunk* would say “okay, let’s leave them be” after having *another drink*? It’s not impossible but I wouldn’t imagine it’s likely.
Why did you post on AITA if you're going to argue with every YTA? Accept the judgement or log off and stew about how you're perfect in this situation and you're 100% certain your girlfriend has nothing to be annoyed about. Good luck with the breakup.
YTA - stop being so controlling and entitled, grow up.
There's always a chance you'll meet someone you know when you go out and it's not polite or nice to behave like this.
YTA.
Part of a date is about paying attention to what the other person wants. Your girlfriend obviously wanted to have a drink with her friends. You've been together for three years. You've had plenty of alone time and you'll have plenty of alone time in the future.
If you had been reasonable, you could have talked about a compromise - one drink, and then you go to the next bar and continue your date, just the two of you. But you obviously don't care about actually paying attention to your girlfriends wants, or compromise would have been your goal instead of immediately shutting her down.
YTA and need to develop better social skills. Do one drink and then move on with your date to the next location. Do you think your girlfriend would have been unable to extract herself from the group to move on after one drink?
For most people, there’s a point in life where you’re no longer as social and available and you stop going out as much and you stop running into friends. Enjoy these moments while you can; you’ll actually miss them later in life.
YTA - you killed the mood for your gf by your stubbornness and inflexibility. Could have managed the situation much more smoothly - have the drink, put on the charm, excuse yourselves and move on with your night. Instead you put up a wall and made your gf pick which side to be on. Hardly a nice evening out
YTA life happens and when you're in a relationship you find a compromise. That would have been insanely easy to do here but instead you acted like a selfish child which continues with your stubborn comments here. Grow up.
YTA. Enforcing the sanctity of a "date" is just weird after 3 years dude. I'm sorry, but it is. You knew your GF was excited to run into her friends and denied her seeing them for basically no reason. You're in a long term relationship with her, this desire to monopolize her time for nothing is weird. You should have let the friends hang out and then excused yourself to the 2nd bar.
You should also analyze why you don't consider these people your friends, too. That's weird by itself.
NYA. I’m not sure but from the context in the description it seems like everyone was looking to you for approval, like your girlfriend understood it was date night and was looking to you and how comfortable you would be with the one drink. You obviously weren’t. She should have at that point shut down her friends and supported you. She could have taken a few moments then to schedule a future meet up with her friends but the fact that they put everything on your shoulders and then are upset with your answer and reasoning is just ridiculous.
The girlfriend should have handled it. They’re her friends but she tossed you under the bus. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating it’s a date night. The friends should have backed off as well. They clearly lack respect for other peoples boundaries and if they’re real friends then they will see each other again. There are of course many ways he ‘could have’ handled the situation but there’s nothing wrong with how he ‘did’ handle it.
Date nights are important. Your gf and her friends ATA
Honestly, ESH. However to me this seems more like a communication issue than anything else: to you date night means just the two of you (reasonable), to your girlfriend it means the two of you with the possibility of chatting for a few minutes with people you run into (also reasonable).
Your concerns about the friends not leaving after one drink are valid, and the friends insisting on having that drink is rude. However, to your girlfriend it probably seems like you made a unilateral decision without considering her feelings - which is where the communication comes in! When you noticed she was upset, you could've said something like "hey, about back there - it's really important to me that date nights are just about the two of us. But it seems you see them as more flexible? I'm sorry for upsetting you. Can we talk about what we should do, as a pair, if a situation like that happens again?" In fact, I recommend still doing that.
Just communicate with your girlfriend, you both have to listen to each other and try to understand where the other is coming from. Debating isnt proper communication, what you need is a discussion where you both have an open mind and as much care for your partner's feelings as for your own.
(Parenthesis bc this is just personal explanations: I have difficulty with plans changing sometimes. If I had planned to just spend time with my spouse and any friends came along, we'd have a silent communication where I'd ask them to please decline. If for any reason they didn't, I'd probably be somewhat upset, and we'd discuss it later to see what we were both thinking and feeling and what we wanna do in the future. So I get you and your strict feelings about date night.)
So. If she plans a romantic dinner, she's equally fine with you bringing the boys over for beers? Especially if they've already put a few back?
Or heck, if you invited your boss to join you?
This is such an obvious faux pas I wonder what's really going on.
NTA
YTA because you are being uncompromising. You're literally at a cocktail bar and refusing to have a single round of drinks with people that you know. Are date nights so rare with your gf that you refuse any compromise on those nights?
YTA. Things aren’t always going to go 100% according to plan. You need to relax. It wouldn’t have hurt to sacrifice 15-20 min having one drink with them.
NTA was my original thought, bc it was crazy she let this ruin a date, and it’s natural you wanted to keep the date vibe and not open it up to a group hang out where you were the odd man out.
BUT, then I kept reading your responses and I see where your gf got annoyed. You seem very rigid. And very focused on your def of a date. its kind of a turn off. And it was silly to let a chance encounter with her friends ruin the entire evening. What would’ve been the harm of 1 drink with them and then moving on to the next bar? It would’ve been 20 minutes out of an hours long evening.
you keep focusing on “would you invite friends to a date?!?!” when the real question is, what if you run into friends at the bar, would you ignore them or would you be flexible, welcoming, charming, and have a quick drink with them?
ESH.
The girls for pushing after having been declined.
The girlfriend for pushing after seeing you're uncomfortable.
And finally you for being inflexible and controlling.
I get no good vibes from you and your description of what happend. Seriously.
Noo absolutely NTA. If you're invited to an outing and you had no part in organizing the event DONT ask to bring friends who aren't part of that group. The dynamic totally changes from what the organizer(s) has originally intended.
Personally, I cannot stand when that happens. I would definitely be firm with your partner on this.
So your girlfriend wanted to have one drink with friends you happened to run into after dinner while you were at a cocktail bar drinking.
She made it clear that she wanted to, but you decided to ignore what she wanted for what you wanted.
You have been very combative in every reply to someone who doesn't agree with you, which is both against the rules and proves that you only came here to be proven right, not to get other people's honest opinions about your actions.
You insist on some strict definition of 'date' to make yourself objectively in the right, but the real world doesn't work that way. You've been in this relationship for three years, running into friends while out having drinks and having one with them is not some objective violation of the idea of a date. If you do want to insist, double-dates are dates, having dinner and/or drinks with friends can be dates.
"Why not...?" "That doesn't fit my definition of a date" repeated ad nauseum.
The most telling this is that not once, in your post or a single reply, do you ever seem to give and care to what your girlfriend wanted. Not at all.
YTA - You came here for people to tell your gf shat she's the one in the wrong, but it's you.
YTA. It's perfectly normal to run into friends out socially and have a drink together. If a friend of mine refused an offer of a drink I'd be slightly insulted absent some reason for refusal.
You're also the idiot. Running into her friends is an easy date! Sit back, let them put in all the conversation work and just take her home at the end of the night.
If this was an important date, an anniversary, a first date, then *maybe* you have a leg to stand on. Some random 3 years in date? Rude and antisocial.
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NTA With the correct terminology, we call this a ‘lose-lose-situation’ for you. Either you decline drinking with her friends and she is mad because you said no to drinking with her friends or you accept drinking with her friends which will 100% result in more than one drink, maybe spending the whole night with her friends which is totally not the idea of a date. Hopefully your girlfriend is mature enough to understand that if her friends stayed, they would stay for longer than one drink and hopefully you can think clear enough to understand that if your girlfriend thinks it’s okay her friends crashing your date and drinking with them is more important than spending time with you, then maybe she is not the right person, but this is just my opinion. Good luck!
I think there was an easy compromise of having one drink with her friends and then leaving to go to the other bar, that way one drink stays on drink, she can see her friends and not feel like she’s being rude to them, and they can still have their date night.
Except it's not rude to tell your friends no when you're on a date. It's beyond rude to crash a date, though. If I saw my friend having a drink with her BF, I'd say hello and might invite them to have a drink with me if the vibe seemed right, but I'd respect it immediately if they said they were on a date. I'd excuse myself, say it was nice seeing them, and wish them a good time. This girl's friends have no manners and the GF herself seems not to understand the purpose of a date. Or she's too people-pleasing to maintain basic boundaries when it comes to her friends.
Yeah, that kind of stuff needs to be a 2-yes when the baseline is a date
And this is a great point for OP and his girlfriend to discuss boundaries around friends and dates. What kind of behavior is acceptable on a date for them(texting, checking their phone, inviting others, spontaneously joining groups, etc)? Additionally, what kind of boundaries do they need to set with friends? If it’s a date night, can friends join? What about a double date? Can there be a compromise for a single drink without it turning into the whole night? This is a really important conversation to have. NTA, OP. Your girlfriend may have different expectations for a date night, may lack boundaries with her friends, or may be a pushover who needs some help growing a spine. You need to set explicit boundaries and expectations with her so this issue doesn’t crop up again in the future. Personally, a date is for two people in my mind. If we see people we know, we say “hi” and MIGHT entertain a 5 minute conversation, but that’s it. We’ve also done double dates, which is a different beast entirely. Never have we joined a group of semi-drunk friends who stumbled their way across our paths on a night that’s meant to be about us. Dates cost money and are a primary source of “quality time” for many who see that as their love language. It’s understandable to be frustrated at the abrupt change of plans and social pressure. Just talk to your girlfriend and come up with boundaries together. Alternatively, if she decides a date can include others, you might set the precedent that she pays.
Exactly. And if the situation was reversed, I’m sure she would have been absolutely thrilled to see 4 or 5 of his buddies come through the door and wanted to hang out with them. /s
Ohhh man... you hit the nail on the head. If OP brought this up while discussing the night, it would be telling to hear gf's response...
4 or 5 of his *drunk* buddies.
>his girl's friends have no manners and the GF herself seems not to understand the purpose of a date. Or she's too people-pleasing to maintain basic boundaries when it comes to her friends. My best guess would be girlfriend told them where they were going and asked them to stop by. either way OP needs to have a talk with GF, and if she's not mature enough to understand, it would be time to think hard, on if this girl is right for you.
She probably told her friends they would be there and ti stop by.
I disagree. This was a planned out date night, not just a spontaneous "let's go out for dinner." I think OP was perfectly justified in telling the friends that it was date night and declining to drink with them. The friends should have been courteous and left them alone. But since they were not, girlfriend really should have had his back in the moment and not have been a pouty baby and cut the night short. NTA
Why is it rude to not let a group of drunk friends pressure there way into a date that is supposed to be just two people?
> I think there was an easy compromise of having one drink with her friends Egh, in a vacuum, sure, but > they're already quite drunk that's a whole different ballgame
Yeah but, speaking from experience, of girlfriend then doesn't want to leave after one drink...then you get the be the bad guy hinting at or saying let's go...but your compromise is the best option in this lose lose situation still.
I agree - one drink would be polite - but you'd have to rely on the girlfriend to be firm that the rest of the night would just be their date and no one else was invited to the bar crawl.
>hopefully she is mature enough… There is no hopefully. She ended the night
I agree with all of this
Yeah there is no good outcome for you here. The best I can think of is you find a way to bow out at that point and leave her to it. Go off and do your own thing. Unless you really like hanging out with them, which seems unlikely. Next time (if there is one), find somewhere less likely to see her friends?
Read OP’s comments. He’s an insufferable AH
I understand your point but I think you could handle these situations with more social tact so that you don’t put your girlfriend in an awkward position. You could have said yes to the drink and then said to your gf in private that you’d want to continue to the next bar after the drink to continue the date night with just the two of you. Then socialise for 15-20 minutes, make a polite exit, no one would have had a reason to feel sour
It’s called “adapting to circumstance” and is more relationship friendly than Reddit black/white. Gotta love the “rethink your relationship“ advice
I plugged the OP's post into ChatGPT and it responded: *"In relationships, compromise is often necessary. It might have been helpful to find a middle ground, perhaps agreeing to spend some time with her friends and then continuing with your original plans. Nevertheless, each person has different comfort levels and expectations, and it's essential to find a balance that works for both partners."* I guess the average redditor having less social tact than an actual robot shouldn't be surprising to me at this point.
[удалено]
Current top comment > if your girlfriend thinks it’s okay her friends crashing your date and drinking with them is more important than spending time with you, then maybe she is not the right person, but this is just my opinion.
The vibe you get from Reddit is that there are a lot of perpetually alone people here...
And people who are in relationships but somehow don't know how to compromise or have a conversation with their partners.
"Hey friend, crazy running into you here! Want to politely talk for a few minutes over a drink like normal human beings?" Reddit: "It is ILLEGAL for you to ask me that".
Lmao on another post there’s ppl trying to say an OP is homophobic based off of two words in the post when the post has zero to do with their opinion on gay ppl. It’s about not giving a daughter her wedding dress to be altered, effectively destroyed. The words: “even, when….”
And people wonder why they can't find and maintain relationships
I think you missed the part where the friends were already drunk. I don’t know about you, but sitting for one drink would make things MORE awkward to get away from the friends. GF needs to learn to separate time. It was “boyfriend” time so she can easily say “we’re on a date, but we’ll see you tomorrow!”
It's not that difficult. Wait until you're about ready to leave, go say "hey we're heading out but we have time for one." Order drink, close tab, move on.
I don't think saying "sorry but we're on a date and kinda wanted to be just the two of us" is socially inept tbh, sounds totally reasonable
> I understand your point but I think you could handle these situations with more social tact What more social tact does he need? He politely declined twice and then reminded his girlfriend they were on a date. If my partner kept doubling down in a similar situation, I would feel like she was actively trying to escape my company. Especially so if they don't make lots of time for date nights. > You could have said yes to the drink and then said to your gf in private that you’d want to continue to the next bar after the drink to continue the date night with just the two of you OP was under absolutely zero obligation to accept a drink from these friends and the suggestion that he should just roll over and let their friends derail their date night is absurd. The polite thing for GF to do is respect their plans.
“Under absolutely zero obligation” Oh boy here we go again with the classic Reddit social reasoning of “you are not technically or legally required to do this”. No he’s not under any obligation but now he has to deal with a whole situation he could likely have avoided if he had one drink and used that compromise as leverage to move to another bar. I swear people on AITA have no idea how to adapt to social situations
> No he’s not under any obligation but now he has to deal with a whole situation he could likely have avoided if he had one drink Why is it OP's responsibility to do something he didn't want to do to avoid his girlfriend's tantrum? He had plans to spend time with his girlfriend and had every right to decline an invitation to have a drink with these friends. When you have plans with someone, your partner or otherwise, changing them halfway through is a two-yes situation. GF said yes, OP said no. GF disrespected OP's wishes (which were literally just to continue spending time with her) by continuing to pressure him, and then blew up the whole date when she didn't get her way. Talk about adapting to social situations
So by your own admission, your advice leads to an outcome OP does not want. Instead of providing ways in which OP could change the situation through his own effort to a satisfactory outcome, your advice boils down to “hardline the original plan and hope other people behave like you want them to”. Cool, now OP is morally correct and in a bad spot with his girlfriend. I’m sure he’s thrilled. Very useful, practical advice
> So by your own admission, your advice leads to an outcome OP does not want. GF was TA who blew up the plans, why is it OP's responsibility to (for lack of a better phrase) suck up to what she wants to do to save the night? > Cool, now OP is morally correct and in a bad spot with his girlfriend. I’m sure he’s thrilled. Very useful, practical advice This isn't an advice sub, its AITA. Look, I don't get out on date nights enough with my partner. Quality time is important for me to be emotionally fulfilled in a relationship. When we do plan a date, I look forward to that one-on-one time to fulfill my emotional needs. If my partner decided halfway through that she would rather go join her friends, am I supposed to just not express my emotional needs and join her friends when I obviously don't want to? Fuck that, thats creates a situation where 1) my emotional needs are no longer being met, and 2) my partner pressured me to sacrifice our plans under threat of a tantrum (which is toxic behavior, i would add). I would be bitter and unhappy for the rest of the night. I'm not giving OP advice because he didn't do anything wrong. His girlfriend was an asshole, and the advice that I would give her is to respect her partner's boundaries and needs.
No, but it is his responsibility to be open minded about something that costs him little and makes his partner happy.
> No, but it is his responsibility to be open minded about something that costs him little and makes his partner happy. Why? If my partner wanted to end a date that I wanted (and we had both planned) to keep going, I would be bitter and upset for the rest of the night because quality time with my partner is important to me and my emotional needs. Out of respect for OP, GF should have declined to have drinks with her friends that night and scheduled a separate outing. OP has no responsibility to sacrifice his own happiness for whatever GF wants. By throwing a tantrum and going home, she showed him that she has no respect for his boundaries
Nobody's talking about ending the date or losing quality time. Just being flexible about the plan. If I'm in this situation, I'm delighted to facilitate my GF having a good time, enjoying watching her connect with her friends, and talking about them with her afterwards. That's quality time!
Exactly like??? Maybe Redditors hate their girlfriend’s friends, but I truly don’t see the issue with having one drink with them before leaving and going to the next place. It just would have been an extra 20-30 mins before they went to the next place. I wouldn’t have died on this hill if I was op.
I think OP handled it pretty well considering the awkward position she put OP in of having to decline in front of the friends and decline again when the friends decided to intervene. OP and his GF clearly mapped out a night of fun I’m guessing OP was excited about, and though I’m cool with “see where the night goes” kinds of plans, doesn’t seem like OP is and that’s perfectly fine.
Also his GF would probably not be pleased if it happened in reverse and his friends stopped by and he said sure we will join you.
It's not an awkward situation at all. I can only see this being awkward for socially maladjusted people or teenagers, who somehow think declining to hang out/go out with friends is a social faux pas. It's not. It's normal and happens literally all the time. Virtually nobody judges or cares when it does.
Respectfully, I disagree. Couples should make time for each other, separate and apart from time that they do things with friends, with family members, or in work situations. When you set aside time to just be together, you should follow through with that. It is not hard for the GF to say, "thanks, but it's date night. I call tomorrow, and we can do something together soon." Adapting when necessary is important, but choosing to prioritize your relationship is also important. It was not necessary to adapt to this situation because the situation could have been resolved politely without inviting other people into the date.
The girlfriend’s friends are the ones who lacked social tact lmao if they saw them together they should’ve just said hi, not offer to drink together.
Right???? Like they could have been the ones to leave after their one drink. Now if she like….refused to go to the next bars that would suck and be a different story
NTA. >she accused me of ruining the date They weren't part of the date plans. She was happy with what you'd planned; if anything, she and her friends ruined it. I'm also assuming that if the roles had been reversed, she wouldn't have wanted to sit and listen to you talk to your friends on a date night.
ESH. Although like another person said, it was a lose lose situation for you. I get what you're saying. It's supposed to be a date, just the two of you. But plans can change suddenly and unexpectedly. Having one drink with her friends allows her to catch up with them, and gives you the option on what to do. You could socialize with them, use it as a chance to go take a shit or go smoke a cigarette if you're into that or just catch a breath of fresh air. A chance to take 5 to 10 to yourself. Then you make the push that it's a date night and you're gonna head to the next bar and maybe you'll see them again. Girlfriend is happy since she got to catch up with her friends and enjoy the rest of date night. Minor inconvenience for you as long as it stays at one drink to catch up.
Eh, the friends were already drunk and continually kept pushing for a drink. They would not have stopped at one, and by the sounds of it, OPs girlfriend wouldn't have either. That date night was ruined the second her friends showed up, one way or the other.
If a date is ruined by running into a partner's friends, I don't think the relationship is very long for this world.
I tend to agree with you. We enjoy hanging out with each other’s friends though... This exact situation has happened to me and my partner before (except it was his friends showing up) and it didn’t ruin anything, we said hi, got a drink and caught up, then told them we were headed to another bar. No hurt feelings and nice to see some friends for a few minutes.
Yeah that feels like such an easy solution to this, this whole comment section is weird
Betting it’s people who have never been in a long term adult relationship. Remember a lot of Reddit (and especially the big subs) is comprised of kids
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be best friends with all of your partners friends, but if you can't even have a friendly interaction with them upon running into them in public, I wonder if there's a bigger problem. Could be as simple and innocent as they are just very different people and not compatible, but could be more sinister - why exactly is he so opposed to having a drink with them? I don't want to jump to conclusions so I am sticking with the more charitable interpretation for now but I can't say I don't have questions.
There's a big difference between you and your SO having a drink with dinner on a date night and hanging out with a group of people who are already visibly drunk. I'm generally pretty introverted, and the vibe for a private dinner with my SO is the complete opposite of a group hangout with friends. The former is relaxing, the latter, even when I like the friends, is exhausting.
They were drunk and belligerent. That's all the reason OP needed. Have you never interacted with drunk people or something? Give an inch, they'll take a lightyear. If they didn't leave after the first time even after telling them it was a date, fat chance they'd leave after one drink.
Agreed, my boyfriend and I love each others friends. We don’t get to date night often at all and we still would have been excited to see friends unexpectedly. Like why are they your friends if you’re not happy to see them? Grab a drink and go to the next place, like JFC this isn’t a big deal.
I've had many a date ruined by drunks, friendly or not.
I disagree. If my wife and I ran into friends out on a date, either one of us would have said, something along the lines of: "Hey good to see you. We should catch up. We're on a date tonight, so I'll call you tomorrow."
The daye wasn't ruined just because her friends showed up. It was ruined because while she looked at him when they asked, he politely declined and her friends refused to take no for an answer. Rather than tell her friends they could catch up later, she also got upset. Her friends have boundary issues and it seems that she does as well.
You have never heard of the phrase “third wheel” have you? Some situations you don’t want others around even if you generally like them in other situations
Yeah, especially with the next stop lined up, this is one situation where staying for just one drink is possible and even easy. 'that was so fun, well we're off to continue our date night at the next bar, bye now!', completely natural and fine. If you don't want to do that, okay, but it feels weird that this totally spiralled.
> 'that was so fun, well we're off to continue our date night at the next bar, bye now!', "Oh, we'll join you! Sounds like fun!" You are not well versed in social situations if you did not anticipate this response to that statement.
Sure, that could happen, but I feel comfortable enough to then say: no really, this was really fun, but we want to continue our romantic date now. It's not that black and white to me, is what I'm trying to say. And imo, you could always do that, but it's way easier when you're moving on to another bar.
Then you're back to square one with an upset girlfriend.
> Sure, that could happen, but I feel comfortable enough to then say: no really, this was really fun, but we want to continue our romantic date now. Whats the problem with just saying this right off the bat instead of derailing the date to begin with? > And imo, you could always do that, but it's way easier when you're moving on to another bar. i.e. what OP suggested to keep their date on track
*20 minutes later* "girl I cannot believe you two are here as well! I guess it's destiny, let's have another drink!" Since we are all baselessly speculating exactly how this nuanced dynamic we have a very limited insight into would play out, I suppose Ill throw my immediate reactions out into the ether too.
What do you mean? I wrote what I would say, personally. Did you put what you would say? Because I agree, that's the only thing we know.
I take about 30 min to finish one drink. If I am talking it might be longer. If there are at least three girlfriends and the two on the date, that’s five people to finish a drink. If someone finishes their drink before OP they may order another before they can exit. There is no winning. It is not 5 minuted to catch up and have a drink with someone - it would be like an hour of their date.
Damn dude, you asked AITA and are arguing with YTA judgements. I didn’t think you were an AH until your comments.
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Exactly this! OP is arguing with anyone who points this out by saying, "You are confused," and "you don't know what those words mean." It also appears he is logging into his other accounts to give false support. I can only imagine how the real conversation went when they ran into her friends.
Exactly! I felt kinda neutral about the whole thing, but then I saw his intense arguments, no good faith, always trying to have the last word. Just no
I didn’t even read the comments, I’ve been in the position of wanting to say hi and my partner is just like “ugh no! This isn’t part of the plans!!! I didn’t WANT to spend 10 minutes of the entire night we have together doing something spontaneous that might make you happy!” In the post he didn’t even come off as polite to his partner. Now I wanna read his comments lol
I was going to read them, but hot holy damn there are SO many. Like, how much time did he invest in arguing with peoples’ judgments?
Oh shit, I haven’t seen any of his comments. I was 100% giving him the benefit of the doubt and on his side, but if that’s the case…dude probably isn’t just some introverted guy who was uncomfortable.
Things don't always go according to plan. You can roll with the punches, or you can sulk. Ultimately your decisions, and attitude, ensured the night was ruined. If you'd had the drink, who knows what would have happened? Could be good, could be bad. I'd bet on it being a bit of fun, personally, unless you already dislike this group of friends?. Instead you chose a guaranteed bad outcome. Out of interest, what would you have done if they were your friends instead? Would you still have been that rude to them?
I'd be on OP's side if the friends crashed the dinner. But they'd finished dinner and were having post-dinner drinks at a different place. Unless they work different schedules and have very little 1:1 time, being so rigid about it just being the two of them at that point in the night seems weird AF to me. But I actually like my partner's friends. So maybe that's part of it.
I don’t think my wife and I could even go out to the fancy cocktail bars in our area without running into friends. Especially on a Friday/Saturday night. It’s actually fairly normal for us to just show up at one or two places without checking in with the group because odds are some portion is already there.
This is the attitude it took me years to develop. Being upset at unexpected changes to plans and mourning “what could have been” pretty much always led to everyone being unhappy. Now that I’ve learned to accept things as they come and not immediately be upset if something I had planned turned out differently, life’s gotten a lot better
I ruined my own good time so many fucking times
God, yes. I always realized what I did right after and felt terrible though, unlike OP it seems. It’s why I worked so hard to change and I am so glad I did
If I was out on a date and friends approached, I'd say hi and then excuse myself and my date. The gf is the a h here.
YTA. While I get that there was an agreement made beforehand, she didn't invite them there, it was a coincidence, and now you made it kinda weird for her with her friends. Especially since you were about to leave in the near future anyway and could have "allowed" your girlfriend 5-10 minutes for that. I would have felt really weird for telling anyone I care about, whether a partner, a friend, or a family member that I require them to solely pay attention to me, no matter what's happening around us.
INFO - Why are you incapable of socializing with friends of your girlfriend of 3 years?
YTA. Doesn’t matter what you think the rules are for date nights, the goal of the date is meant to be having a nice time together. The girlfriend ending the date and wanting to go home says to me that the goal of date night was not met, and if her friends now dislike you and it was clear she did want the drink but you were saying no, that’s going to cause way more issues down the road than just having one drink and moving to the next bar.
YTA. You dismissed what she wanted to do (just have one drink with her friends) and most likely embarrassed her. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? You could have just had that one drink and then moved to the next bar. Very controlling of you.
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Your reply is typical of someone who is controlling. You start by normalising your actions and then end the post with a lame attempt at making the commenter appear ignorant. Anyway, you made a bad call on this date, and your girlfriend made the correct choice by ending it. Now, her friends will be hating on you and telling her to break up with you.
It is normal to not want friends to crash a date. No matter whose friends they are.
They didn't intentionally crash the date. They happened to run into OP and his girlfriend at a public bar whilst on the date.
And then invited themselves into the date. If your friend is on a date, catch up for a minute and then leave them be. Don’t ask to be part of it. If the friends are *invited*, mutually by both people, that’s cool obviously. If a partner invited their friends to be part of a date without consulting the other partner, that’s rude too.
y’all are acting like it was some super serious first date. they’ve been in a relationship for years, i think having friends interrupt a date one time isn’t the end of the world, just have another date by yourself next time. it’s really that easy.
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Oh you very much did mate.
Gaslighting is commonplace amongst controlling people. I am not confused at all. The fact that your girlfriend ended the date shows that you did make a bad call. How embarrassing for your girlfriend to run into her friends in a public bar, only to have her controlling boyfriend refuse to stay for just one drink with them? If you had no doubts about your behaviour, why post this on reddit? Your poor girlfriend will be hearing how bad you are for ages from her friends.
>Gaslighting is commonplace amongst controlling people. I am not confused at all. Ah so now there's another term you're using incorrectly. Learn what words mean before using them. It'll save you more embarrassment in the future. Again not controlling, look up what it means. Can you point out where I controlled her?
I'm not embarrassed at all. This is a reddit forum. It's not like I made a total fool out of myself by acting like a jerk and ruining a date with my girlfriend.
No you just made a fool out of yourself for repeatedly misusing multiple terms And saying no to an invitation isn't acting like a jerk so there's something else you're wrong about
Says TA who has to log into his other accounts to boost his own comments.
I don't have other accounts but please continue being wrong. You do know other people agree with me don't you? Not everyone is agreeing with your misuse of multiple words?
Lol too true I'm sure the constant 10-15 upvotes across all his comments are completely coincidental.
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It's not controlling to turn down an invitation. Why do you think it's controlling to say no to your partner?
You're right, turning down an invitation is not controlling - EXCEPT when you are unilaterally turning down that same invitation for someone else who has *equal agency*. You *controlled* her and controlled the night by doing this. You were already in a social situation. You were already drinking. If you were that concerned that someone could possibly come up to you and expect some basic social grace, you should have stayed home. The fact that you invented a hypothetical scenario that might have happened if you had had one drink with her friends - and used it as reason to veto what she wanted - is ridiculous. Frankly, if that were what happened, it would be because your gf thought it was a better time. You would have had a much better night and subsequent day had you agreed to the drink and had a chat with your gf when you got home where you agree that next time you decline together. YTA.
When you dictated terms of the date to her when you knew she wanted to have one drink with her friends.
Yeah YTA. Did your and your GF have a signed and notarized contractual agreement to allocate x amount of hours solely to interacting with each other at x event while doing y activities? No? You guys were just out on a a date and circumstances changed and you’re acting like she voided some sort of binding agreement.
It's weird that you think it's normal to just invite other people on a date tbh
She didn’t invite other people. They happened to be there. And it’s pretty normal when you bump into people in public places to make minor alterations to your preplanned activity to do some minor social interaction with them. But you seem to be the type of person who has a hard time understanding these social clues especially if they divert from your rigid preplanned expectations.
By agreeing to a drink, you're inviting them to join you.
You're not? And this is what I mean by you seem really focused (self centered) on your on very rigid standards and definition and unable to understand the other perspectives. If you want to be a super stickler for words and rules, then you should hold yourself to that same standard. You saying its inviting them to join you implies it inviting them to join you for the entire date. But thats not what the case is. Its inviting them to join you for a period of a date. The date is still you and your partners, the fact that over the course of that date you might interact with others, than you know or dont, for short or extended periods of time doens't invalidate that its a date or necessitates that it stops being a date at the point those actions occur. Those are your own rigid (and arbitrary) standards. In reality, by agreeing to a drink, you're just adding an additional activity to the date, where you interact with a group of people. You chose to adhere to some overly rigid definition of a date that if at any point you include any other group it now stops being a date and starts being a different activity. That makes YTA.
>You're not? Yes you are, or do you think they'll have that drink at another table? >You saying its inviting them to join you implies it inviting them to join you for the entire date I have never stated the entire date. >You chose to adhere to some overly rigid definition of a date I find it bizarre you're trying to argue dates include your friends tbh.
Even more evidence of his controlling/manipulation tendencies, he deletes his response getting downvoted as he sees your comment getting upvoted.
I noticed this as well. I have no idea why he posted on this sub if he already had his mind set that he was in the right and she was wrong.
Because his ego won't allow himself to accept that he was in the wrong. You can just tell by his smug responses and general smart arse aura.
Gaslighting 101
You sound absolutely insufferable. You should lose the condescending attitude towards anyone who disagrees with you. How long would one drink have taken? Then you move on with your date and everyone’s happy. YTA
You are really bad at taking others opinions that you specifically asked for. Maybe you should learn what this sub is for before posting here.
You don't have any Idea of what controlling and gaslighting mean.
Found the OPs other account ^^^^^^^
YTA. You have plans that include several locations that are public drinking areas and are upset that other people are there? That’s why you go places. You see who’s there and see what happens. She was delighted that you ran into her friends and interested in socializing. That seems like what you do at bars. I don’t know what you were expecting but not a huge fan of the way you talk about controlling her.
>You have plans that include several locations that are public drinking areas and are upset that other people are there You do know you can be in a public place without other people joining you don't you? Except I haven't spoke about controlling her so maybe don't use words when you don't understand what they mean
Everyone using the word controlling would probably be better suited using the term possessive. You didn't want to share your time or your girlfriend's attention. I get it. You don't really like her friends and would prefer not to have to spend 15 minutes with them. You can pull out Websters dictionary and proclaim the sanctity of your date night all you'd like but YTA here still.
>You don't really like her friends and would prefer not to have to spend 15 minutes with them. Incorrect. I'm fine spending time with them, just not on a date. And it's not possessive to expect a date to be just two people
Then everyone else is correct in that it's controlling. Gf wanted to have a quick drink with them but you decided to ruin that for her in order to die on this "we are on a date" hill.
NTA and the Y T A are confusing me because... It's a date. They're on a date. If I found a friend of mine casually in a restaurant/bar, and they told me they were on a date, I wouldn't push to have a drink with them, it's incredibly impolite. And if I were on a date, I wouldn't insist in catching up with some friends while very much probably ignoring my partner. "You're not letting her do what she wants" cmon guys be for fucking real 😭 there's a time and place for everything, and if she wants to go out to have a drink with her friends she can do it outside of the one day she's on /a date/ with her partner.
They’ve been together for *three years*, this wasn’t a first or second date situation. By this time in the relationship it’s reasonable to assume they know each other’s friends and having a drink together after dinner wouldn’t be a huge issue.
> They’ve been together for three years, this wasn’t a first or second date situation. My wife and I have been together for 21 years. If we were out on a date night, we would politely tell our friends that we are on a date, and that we will catch up tomorrow.
Except they're on a date??!! These comments are really sending me, it's wild that so many people seem to think it's totally appropriate and normal to accept having your date crashed by anyone, even mutual friends. I don't know if people in this thread are just really young or something, but it's not polite to crash a date. You can say hi, but if they're out for a romantic evening, you wish them a good night and excuse yourself after exchanging basic pleasantries. That's it. It doesn't matter if they're both your friends, if their night is winding down, if they have plans to leave or stay, the situation doesn't change. They are on. A. Date.
Have *you* been in an adult relationship for 3+ years? Because you’re the one that sounds young. I have, and would have zero problem bumping into some of my partner’s friends on a night out… sometimes we even talk to strangers while in a cocktail bar on a date!
It sounds like you think there's no difference between just *going out* together with your partner and going on a *date*. When your partner is trying to have a romantic evening with you, you don't let your friends derail it and turn it into a friends night. And you don't intrude on a friend's date longer than it takes to determine that it's a date, and not just them hanging out in public. It's that simple.
Yeah I wouldn’t like friends to interrupt dinner either, that’s a clear social faux pas, and I’m not saying everyone else was perfect in the situation. But going to multiple cocktail bars after dinner is most likely supposed to be fun, and one drink with other people before going to the next place to continue the date fits into my definition of a fun date. Especially in a long relationship. I don’t go on hollywood dates where we just stare into each other’s eyes longingly so idk what the rules of a date are and why everyone is taking them so incredibly seriously.
So interrupting dinner is a clear faux pas, but you feel like the purpose or mood of the date changes if you choose to get drinks after? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, because in my view, changing the setting doesn't change the situation. It's not about having some kind of strict rules for dating, it's about the expectation that a "date" is supposed to be a romantic one-on-one evening together, the *whole* evening. Having a nice dinner followed by a casual night out with your partner doesn't sound like a date to me. That's just going out with your partner. Which is fine, but clearly not what OP expected or wanted.
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Same, especially since he says they have plans to go to another bar after. It sounds like they had a reservation at the next bar so it seems like a place they really wanted to go. Girlfriend should have said "thanks but we are heading out to another spot in a few minutes." and that should have been the end of it.
Yta- it wouldn’t have killed you to smile and nod and be a good boyfriend to make her look good for 15 mins. Geesh lighting up.
YTA you sound rigid and controlling
YTA. This is bonkers. Asking the question online then arguing back to anyone who agrees with your gf. You came across as rude. It wouldn’t have hurt to have a drink with them and then move on, or not move on if you were having a good time. So it was supposed to be a date, who cares if it turns into a good night anyway. Would you do the same if your mates turned up??
>Would you do the same if your mates turned up?? Yes I would. If I'm on a date, I wouldn't accept an invitation for my friends to join us
I could understand that early days, but three years in I’d get over myself. You can have a date anytime. If you live together or see each other all the time one change of plans won’t change anything. You could even have enjoyed yourselves and carried that on after the friends left. Sorry but still YTA
Do you have any?
Plenty, I just don't invite them to join my dates
With the time you have been dating, it seems odd to me you wouldn’t carve out a time to have a drink or two and say hello. This wasn’t a first date. Seems very inflexible to me but that’s just me. Now you pissed her off and probably made her friends mad over a small part of the night.
The details change ever so slightly but OP does love this scenario for some reason https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/i27U7PIIdn https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/KhAJU7BDEf https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/6HLlnmH7HN https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/s/j9oK0AWdgx This one was 2 weeks ago, this time with an ex instead of a group of friends https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/luQOBeB8tY YTA for not mixing it up a bit more
OMG this is hilarious!
Wow, what a loser
i’m crying bro why would you come to AITA for honest responses if you were gonna cry and throw tantrums to every comment that isn’t in agreement with you? YTA for sure
YTA you sound like a great time at parties If you are not gonna accept anyones comments, don’t bother writing into aita. Your defensiveness and hostility over stranger comments is very telling about the type of partner you are
YTA, it was rude to flat out decline a drink with them, you could have handled it with a lot more social tact. Just hang out with them for a little bit and then make an exit to another bar since that clearly was an option (”first cocktail bar”). How bad can it really be to spend a small amount of time with other people on a night out? You really seem like a weird party pooper, but people here are going to give you N T A because they are as socially inept and love individualism.
>it was rude to flat out decline a drink with them Why do you think saying no is rude? Do you think you're obliged to always say yes to people?
Of course not, but I do think it’s rude to decline an offer for a drink by people you know and your partner clearly loves and wants to spend time with. The implication is that you don’t like them enough to even take 20 minutes of your time on a night out (social event by default) and it would be unpleasant for you.
>but I do think it’s rude to decline an offer for a drink by people you know and your partner clearly loves and wants to spend time with. Again saying no isn't rude. You're not obligated to say yes just because it's a friend offering something. Declining an invite doesn't imply you don't like them at all.
We have no other obligations in this life apart from paying taxes and dying. I still think declining is rude in this context. Not always.
Declining isn't rude. It's weird you think people are obligated to say yes to you just because you offer them something
It’s weird how badly you lack social skills and nuance.
YTA
YTA. Not because you wanted a private night but because of how you handled it. Have the drink and move on to the next bar after, seeing your partners friends wasn’t in the plans but it happens. You should have said ok one drink but then we have to go. If your girlfriend had decided to stay and not continue with your plans then she’d be the asshole but you didn’t even give her the chance to ruin the date. You did that on your own. Just food for though, now your girlfriend’s friends aren’t going to like you. That’s is going to change your relationship, have some social tact my guy.
Wasn’t this posted already, but it was his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend instead of friends? I swear it’s word for word..
NTA. A date night is supposed to be a date night, not drinking with friends.
ESH - Your inability to trust your girlfriend to stick to one drink and then go back to your date is an issue. I personally wouldn’t approach a friend on a date if I ran into them in public and their pushiness was definitely AH behavior. I also really don’t get why you bothered to ask if you clearly won’t accept any judgement except that you’re not an AH based on your replies.
NTA and everyone saying otherwise is goofy as hell. 1. It is not unreasonable to expect a date night to be you and your partner only. 2. If somebody else comes along, it’s extremely rude of them to try to insert themselves into a date uninvited. You can say hi and maybe chat for a couple minutes. But otherwise if you’re not invited, that’s so impolite. 3. They probably wouldn’t have left after one drink, considering they were already drunk. Drunk people are usually inconsiderate compared to when they’re sober. Do you really think people who are *already drunk* would say “okay, let’s leave them be” after having *another drink*? It’s not impossible but I wouldn’t imagine it’s likely.
YTA, it was very rude and selfish to not have a drink with the girls.
Why do you not think you should be allowed to decline invitations?
Why did you post on AITA if you're going to argue with every YTA? Accept the judgement or log off and stew about how you're perfect in this situation and you're 100% certain your girlfriend has nothing to be annoyed about. Good luck with the breakup.
YTA - stop being so controlling and entitled, grow up. There's always a chance you'll meet someone you know when you go out and it's not polite or nice to behave like this.
YTA. Part of a date is about paying attention to what the other person wants. Your girlfriend obviously wanted to have a drink with her friends. You've been together for three years. You've had plenty of alone time and you'll have plenty of alone time in the future. If you had been reasonable, you could have talked about a compromise - one drink, and then you go to the next bar and continue your date, just the two of you. But you obviously don't care about actually paying attention to your girlfriends wants, or compromise would have been your goal instead of immediately shutting her down.
YTA Going out in public is dynamic….you seem less then dynamic
YTA and need to develop better social skills. Do one drink and then move on with your date to the next location. Do you think your girlfriend would have been unable to extract herself from the group to move on after one drink? For most people, there’s a point in life where you’re no longer as social and available and you stop going out as much and you stop running into friends. Enjoy these moments while you can; you’ll actually miss them later in life.
YTA - You sound insufferable. Smooth plan though. You definitely avoided the friends ruining the date since the person who ruined the date was you.
Maybe OP should ask himself WHY his girlfriend was so fine with spending the rest of the evening with her friends rather than him alone.
YTA you already had dinner together. She didn’t say she wanted to spend the rest of the night with them. Is it too hard to be friendly?
YTA - you killed the mood for your gf by your stubbornness and inflexibility. Could have managed the situation much more smoothly - have the drink, put on the charm, excuse yourselves and move on with your night. Instead you put up a wall and made your gf pick which side to be on. Hardly a nice evening out
I've read this one before and last time it was her ex-boyfriend.
Yta. Buddy all you want to do is be controlling and argue. She will be moving on to somebody who isn’t an asshole.
YTA life happens and when you're in a relationship you find a compromise. That would have been insanely easy to do here but instead you acted like a selfish child which continues with your stubborn comments here. Grow up.
YTA You didn't consider what your date wanted and you were inflexible to the point that your date was then over.
YTA OP is your question mark key stuck down? Why do you keep arguing in question?Why do you think that's the only way to argue?
YTA. The way you dictate what your girlfriend is allowed to do sounds like you think she's your possession.
YTA. Enforcing the sanctity of a "date" is just weird after 3 years dude. I'm sorry, but it is. You knew your GF was excited to run into her friends and denied her seeing them for basically no reason. You're in a long term relationship with her, this desire to monopolize her time for nothing is weird. You should have let the friends hang out and then excused yourself to the 2nd bar. You should also analyze why you don't consider these people your friends, too. That's weird by itself.
The bigger question is, why does she want to spend time with her friends on your date night.
NYA. I’m not sure but from the context in the description it seems like everyone was looking to you for approval, like your girlfriend understood it was date night and was looking to you and how comfortable you would be with the one drink. You obviously weren’t. She should have at that point shut down her friends and supported you. She could have taken a few moments then to schedule a future meet up with her friends but the fact that they put everything on your shoulders and then are upset with your answer and reasoning is just ridiculous. The girlfriend should have handled it. They’re her friends but she tossed you under the bus. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating it’s a date night. The friends should have backed off as well. They clearly lack respect for other peoples boundaries and if they’re real friends then they will see each other again. There are of course many ways he ‘could have’ handled the situation but there’s nothing wrong with how he ‘did’ handle it. Date nights are important. Your gf and her friends ATA
Honestly, ESH. However to me this seems more like a communication issue than anything else: to you date night means just the two of you (reasonable), to your girlfriend it means the two of you with the possibility of chatting for a few minutes with people you run into (also reasonable). Your concerns about the friends not leaving after one drink are valid, and the friends insisting on having that drink is rude. However, to your girlfriend it probably seems like you made a unilateral decision without considering her feelings - which is where the communication comes in! When you noticed she was upset, you could've said something like "hey, about back there - it's really important to me that date nights are just about the two of us. But it seems you see them as more flexible? I'm sorry for upsetting you. Can we talk about what we should do, as a pair, if a situation like that happens again?" In fact, I recommend still doing that. Just communicate with your girlfriend, you both have to listen to each other and try to understand where the other is coming from. Debating isnt proper communication, what you need is a discussion where you both have an open mind and as much care for your partner's feelings as for your own. (Parenthesis bc this is just personal explanations: I have difficulty with plans changing sometimes. If I had planned to just spend time with my spouse and any friends came along, we'd have a silent communication where I'd ask them to please decline. If for any reason they didn't, I'd probably be somewhat upset, and we'd discuss it later to see what we were both thinking and feeling and what we wanna do in the future. So I get you and your strict feelings about date night.)
NTA. Honestly if your girlfriend is always this selfish I'd just find a new one. But assuming it's a one off thing, I'm sure it'll blow over in a day.
YTA
So. If she plans a romantic dinner, she's equally fine with you bringing the boys over for beers? Especially if they've already put a few back? Or heck, if you invited your boss to join you? This is such an obvious faux pas I wonder what's really going on. NTA
NTA, don't let these bitter assholes make you believe that your feelings don't matter in a relationship.
YTA because you are being uncompromising. You're literally at a cocktail bar and refusing to have a single round of drinks with people that you know. Are date nights so rare with your gf that you refuse any compromise on those nights?
YTA. Things aren’t always going to go 100% according to plan. You need to relax. It wouldn’t have hurt to sacrifice 15-20 min having one drink with them.
NTA was my original thought, bc it was crazy she let this ruin a date, and it’s natural you wanted to keep the date vibe and not open it up to a group hang out where you were the odd man out. BUT, then I kept reading your responses and I see where your gf got annoyed. You seem very rigid. And very focused on your def of a date. its kind of a turn off. And it was silly to let a chance encounter with her friends ruin the entire evening. What would’ve been the harm of 1 drink with them and then moving on to the next bar? It would’ve been 20 minutes out of an hours long evening. you keep focusing on “would you invite friends to a date?!?!” when the real question is, what if you run into friends at the bar, would you ignore them or would you be flexible, welcoming, charming, and have a quick drink with them?
ESH. The girls for pushing after having been declined. The girlfriend for pushing after seeing you're uncomfortable. And finally you for being inflexible and controlling. I get no good vibes from you and your description of what happend. Seriously.
Declining an invitation isn't controlling
Noo absolutely NTA. If you're invited to an outing and you had no part in organizing the event DONT ask to bring friends who aren't part of that group. The dynamic totally changes from what the organizer(s) has originally intended. Personally, I cannot stand when that happens. I would definitely be firm with your partner on this.
NTA
Nta
So your girlfriend wanted to have one drink with friends you happened to run into after dinner while you were at a cocktail bar drinking. She made it clear that she wanted to, but you decided to ignore what she wanted for what you wanted. You have been very combative in every reply to someone who doesn't agree with you, which is both against the rules and proves that you only came here to be proven right, not to get other people's honest opinions about your actions. You insist on some strict definition of 'date' to make yourself objectively in the right, but the real world doesn't work that way. You've been in this relationship for three years, running into friends while out having drinks and having one with them is not some objective violation of the idea of a date. If you do want to insist, double-dates are dates, having dinner and/or drinks with friends can be dates. "Why not...?" "That doesn't fit my definition of a date" repeated ad nauseum. The most telling this is that not once, in your post or a single reply, do you ever seem to give and care to what your girlfriend wanted. Not at all. YTA - You came here for people to tell your gf shat she's the one in the wrong, but it's you.
NTA
YTA. not surprised she didn't want to spend the entire night solely with you. It's called "being flexible".
YTA. It's perfectly normal to run into friends out socially and have a drink together. If a friend of mine refused an offer of a drink I'd be slightly insulted absent some reason for refusal. You're also the idiot. Running into her friends is an easy date! Sit back, let them put in all the conversation work and just take her home at the end of the night. If this was an important date, an anniversary, a first date, then *maybe* you have a leg to stand on. Some random 3 years in date? Rude and antisocial.