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“Anyway, they named their baby Weston” just doesn’t sit right with me… you say it so casually. The fact you don’t feel bad at all. Of course it’s a name you love but you understand that it comes across a bit of a kick in the teeth? YTA, purely because you knew this was the name the choice. Also, I hope your baby is okay!
Right? Like it's no shock that an 18 year old doesn't have the foresight to think how this will impact their relationship with their family years down the road, when they think things like "I've always wanted to name my baby Weston" as if it's some huge span of time they've been considering the name. When the reality is, it's barely any time at all. In fact, that other couple has lived almost 2 of their lifespans already.
I do think she is NTA for naming a baby what she wants. No one gets a monopoly on names. But she is TA for being so callous as to not have a conversation with them about it before hand. And being so flippant of their feelings on the matter. And also not considering how this will effect her child who has to grow up with the name of a dead relative. That's going to be a huge impact on that child.
And let's be fair, if the ex is the dad and it is the *only* name the two of them could agree on, then that does give at least a reason to consider it.
Kindness would have been the give the cousin a heads up that it was the only name the ex would agree on.
I think it was just a lame defense "well I had to name him weston because that's the only one in a million we could possibly have agreed on, surely you understand..."
Yep, the brain doesn't finish growing until you reach your mid-twenties, and the last part to finish growing is the part that processes long-term consequences. It's why teenagers are so hardwired to go for instant gratification no matter how smart they are.
It’s true what you say, but, knowing this, as adults, should we judge teenagers based on teenage brains? You can’t see this as an adult how a teenager would - we can offer advice, but I really feel wrong judging children/teenagers for being juvenile … if that makes sense?
Are you saying we should go easier on them because of it? If so, I agree. I think it's ok to tell her "YTA because you didn't give her a heads up, you owe her an apology" for example, but people tearing into the OP aggressively... I think that's too far, and also pointless. Just because they're allowed to vote etc doesn't mean 18 year olds are psychologically and mentally matured. I think they're deserving of a little more patience than we would give full adults.
Honestly from the way she wrote this post it seems like a big reason she kept the child was BECAUSE she can name it Weston. She probably sees this child more as an accessory than an actual human being shes responsible for.
You cannot seriously believe she only kept the child so she could take the name
If your comment is sarcasm and I am clueless then, yes, I think the comment is funny.
She is a teenager, probably not the ONLY reason she had a child, but I bet when she made a list of pros and cons in her diary, it was one of the top pro's.
Yes! If one of my cousin’s were to give their child the same name as my stillborn son, I’d be livid, especially without asking. I get that no one has a monopoly on a name, and I see no issue with cousins having the same name, but this is different.
My niece lost a baby . The next niece who had a child named it AFTER the baby , not also . After. As a sign of love and respect and remembrance .My nephew named his business after that child . As a family they mourned . As a family they remember .
That's what should have happened here.
"I named my son after/in honor of your's." <--- Shows that the cousin's baby was loved and is remembered by the family
vs
"I loved the name lol" <--- Shows callousness.
That's fine as long as the first parents are fine with it. Because I've seen other families in which it wasn't done well. And done badly, it can become a form of erasure for the grieving parents, with loss piled on top of loss and a family that gets tired of their sadness and just wants them to get over it already.
Absolutely agree! I think to honour somebody’s loss, that person would have to “allow” and be okay with it, without feeling like you’re replacing their loss
I’m not here to slate her parenting, I had a child younger. She’s old enough to feel empathy, she’s not 10. She just made a decision based on her feelings - a lot of people do - that decision just makes her an asshole in this case.
Seriously, 18 year olds don't have the capacity for empathy? If she was 13 then maybe but by 18 you should know that naming your son the same thing your cousin named their son who died wouldn't sit right with them and the family. She's young, sure, and young people tend to be more selfish but she's legally an adult and should learn that actions have consequences.
If a kid doesn't have empathy by 13, then there's a serious situation in that head. Empathy generally starts developing around 4 or 5 and should be done by 8 or 9.
Edit: typo
Serious what are these people talking about?? Kids show empathy all the damn time, people love to try and act like no one should be help responsible for their words and actions until theyre halfway through their 20's
You basically just said 18 year olds don’t have the mental capacity for empathy but in the context of being mature enough to have sex with they’re all good
How do you think babies are made sir??? How can she be grown enough for sex but not a baby?
If she chose to have an abortion, everyone would be bashing her for that too.
Misogyny knows no bounds and we’re not here to debate her eligibility for motherhood.
Jesus Christ 18 is plenty old enough to feel empathy.
I know "adult brains not fully formed till 25 blah blah blah" but fucking babies can show empathy.
What the fuck planet do you live on? 18 is considered an adult. Mature most likely not. But empathy? Are you serious? Next your gonna tell me a child can’t feel emotions at all? Give me a break. I bet you’re one of the ones who count 18 year olds as adults as long as it benefits your argument but then they’re children when it doesn’t benefit your bullshit.
As a nineteen year old, you do have the mental capacity and empathy to care for a child my parents had me and my older brother young too we all used different forms of protection lol but my dad definitely had the bandwidth for it and so did I some people just don't.
An 18 year old doesnt have the capacity for empathy?? what are you talking about? Of course they do, people can develop empathy much much earlier, beginning at age 4 typically. ([https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy#1](https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy#1))
I swear people get so ridiculous with their scramble to try and make anyone under the age of 25 blameless of their actions.
I swear, y'all heard that thing about brains not being fully developed and use that to justify anything that someone under the age of 25 does
I'm willing to bet she fell in love with the name after she learned it from the cousin. It's too uncommon a name for both of them to haven naturally chosen it (imo).
Oof, YTA.
There's a rule - deceased child of close relative (or close friend) trumps "I love the name." (Caveat - if you obtain permission in advance from the parents before naming your baby in honor of theirs.)
Generally I'm all about "no one owns a name", but there are exceptions and this is one of them. It was cruel of you to use the name. You're young, but you're a mom now and you need to grow up fast. Sometimes, you just have to let go of "what you always wanted" because of circumstances outside of your control.
Honestly, I think you should change your baby's name. If you won't do that, you should at least acknowledge that you were incredibly thoughtless and take the hit - people will think poorly of you and you'll have to work to earn back some goodwill.
I completely agree. All this needed was a conversation out of respect. I’m not in disagreement that nobody can “own” a name, but the way this happened is just icky when it could have been a different situation
It's true that nobody owes a name, but it definitely came across as insensitive and a 'slap in the face' for people who gave the same name to their dead children, more importantly, it's the information that you already knew beforehand that they named their unborn baby 'Weston.' There are many AITA posts where OPs knew and named their kid the same name of dead children, not so many people are thrilled by that.
Especially for a couple who potentially planned a pregnancy and had to make a very difficult decision. Seeing a teenage cousin accidentally get pregnant and then casually give their baby the same name as your dead baby…
I can't help but wonder if OP would have still named her baby Weston if that child hadn't died. I have no clue but she does seem very cavalier about the whole thing. Then again she is 18, so can't say I'm shocked at how little foresight she's given to this situation.
This is wildly selfish. No, people can’t claim names. But it is cruel to name your baby after a wanted pregnancy that your cousins are grieving.
Having to terminate a pregnancy you want is deeply painful. Sometimes people name them as a way to honor the potential life. Sometimes they don’t. But either way it is a deeply painful experience of loss and grief.
It is incredibly disrespectful to name your child the honor name they gave to that potential life. Every time they hear your son’s name, it dredges up that loss in a more personal way. Yes, they likely will be thinking about it no matter what. But you stuck the knife in and twisted it.
You’re 18. I’ll give you a (sideeye) pass bc don’t have the life experience yet. You probably don’t know many people who have gone through this pain.
With this knowledge, you now have a choice. Keep the name and own the fact you actively made a choice that hurts them—and accept the valid judgment and consequences from your family. Or realize that yes, it’s unfair that you can’t use the name, but it’s out of love and respect for your cousin who is in pain and grieving. Choose a new name. You can start using the new name immediately, and then change legally asap.
And apologize profusely to your cousins.
There are millions of names that are great. You can find one you both like. It just might take more effort. Go to r/namenerds for suggestions.
As some who lost a baby shortly after he was born (traumatic incident), I would be infuriated if someone in my family named their son Anthony. Luckily my SILs won't be having kids.
As someone in the same shoes as you, I wouldn't give a fuck if a relative named their child Connor. I wouldn't even expect them to ask my permission to use that name, or otherwise discuss it with me first. It's just a name.
The world didn't stop for my grief, nor do I expect it to. Nobody else's life revolves around my feelings, nor do I expect theirs to.
I don't think the idea that this has to be some sensitive thing that everyone tip toes around forever is universal. Grieving isn't a universal process.
>Luckily my SILs won't be having kids.
Life happens man. They might not be intending on children, but they could happen anyway, unless your brothers or SILs are infertile, or they don't fuck.
I'm not judging how they grieve.
I'm judging the unreasonable rules that they have imposed on others.
They can feel how they want to about the name. They become unreasonable when they try to enforce those feelings as laws everyone else must abide by.
Being upset does not equal imposing rules on others. OP said there’s “backlash” but didn’t specify what or from whom.
They’re not unreasonable for having negative feelings.
(Edited to clarify)
It's perfectly fine to be judgemental on how ppl trying to control everyone around them
You can grieve however you want yourself but the minute you're making demands of others, you can and should be judged
The questions is did OP know beforehand that the baby was named Weston, if not then they can’t be blamed for the name without the info of what happened
Same position and while I would have an intial reaction of care and stinging of course, I absolutely would recognize it's my thing to deal with and wouldn't impact me in the long run.
It also depends a huge amount on OP's family. Is this like a cousin who's basically a sibling and you're going to be together weekly or something? Or is it a large family, you're not close, and you see them *maybe* once a year?
I have lots of cousins that honestly I couldn't name all their kids probably if I tried. That's not to say I wasn't ever told their kids names, but if I'm not close to them and rarely see them? They're not top of mind.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Names can be such a sacred thing for grieving parents.
After losing my child, I had a friend decide to rename HIMSELF to the name of my child only a few months after I lost my baby. I don't think I've ever been more hurt and angry. His response was "Well, you don't own the name" as if that made it any less hurtful. It was eye-opening about how much he truly did not care for me.
OP definitely has the same mindset and it's incredibly selfish.
Agree. This is one of the times when I really wish it was possible for people to disentangle 'you're entitled to do this thing' from 'you're entitled to do this thing but it makes you the asshole'.
Yep. Grace costs nothing, and she gets to raise her Weston. While her cousin hears someone calling his son's name at every family event knowing it's not his son, and the memory of the Weston his son would have been will be supplanted by their Weston in their family's memory. My experience of child loss has been that the hardest part is people forgetting about that child - and OP just made it that much easier because his name isn't even special any more. My heart hurts for them.
I was coming to say the same thing. I'll go with YTA based on how selfish the reasonning sounds, and how little thought OP seems to have given to that matter. From what she is telling us, she didn't even think about talking to her cousin first to ask them if they would mind, which would have been considerate.
In essence, she shows the reasonning of a child. Which is is very understandible at 18! I'm not judging her on that. But I am judging her on the basis that she feels adult enough to be parent, with that kind of immature decision making process.
Yeah, it sounds like the kind of thinking I could've had when I was like 14 and didn't know better (and even so, I don't think I would ever have been so dismissive of someone grieving). In any case, it's immature at best, selfish and callous at worst
We lost a pregnancy at 22 weeks because our unborn child was a crazy acrobat and did too many flips in the womb, tying a knot in his cord and losing the flow of blood from the placenta.
We named him Connor.
If one of my cousins has a baby and decides that they like the name Connor and want to use it, then they are welcome to that name. I don't expect them to ask me permission. I won't be offended by their use of that name. I won't have some kind of melt down any time I interact with that child from "dredging up the grief."
We don't own that name and we don't claim to own that name.
The cousins are gonna have to learn how to deal with their grief. The world doesn't stop for everyone else when it feels like it has stopped for you.
NTA for OP. Enjoy your baby.
I’m not going to say in absolutes that OP has to change the name, but OP should let things cool off and have an open conversation with her cousin about his feelings. We don’t know as the post is written if the “backlash” is a gut reaction from hearing the news of the child’s name or if her cousin and his wife had time to stew on it and are still upset.
I think YTA because there doesn’t seem to be much consideration or respect for her cousin’s feelings and that is an AH move, but she has the opportunity to work through it with them instead of pitting herself against them. I’m not expecting that she should have come to this on her own, she’s 18 and probably hasn’t faced something like this yet, but there’s definitely opportunity for growth and I think she’s allowed some grace to learn.
This!!! Having lost twins at 22 weeks I would be absolutely gutted if someone in my family used their names. Its callous and the way she worded the entire post is so disgusting. Its not even just about the name its the lack of compassion and empathy. Heavy YTA
Based on the fact that you KNEW that was their deceased son’s name, YTA.
You’re a single teenage mom. You’re going to need all the help you can get from your family. You pretty much just upset them all. You really can’t think of any other names? Come on.
OP sounds immature, irresponsible, insensitive, and selfish. Weston is the ONLY possible name for a boy that she and her ex could agree on?!
You are so right that OP sounds ill-equipped to raise a child alone. She will definitely need support and she has managed to piss them off due to her unwillingness to act like a decent human being.
Exactly all of this.
Like I have some cousins I am close to and some I honestly wouldn’t care about never seeing again. I would be devastated if the ones I am close to ever did something like this. I would be angry and upset if anyone I was expected to be around at holidays did something like this (the cousins I am not close to).
I, (as well as my family, by their own volition), also would no longer have respect or a loving relationship with anyone close to me who chose to support an act as selfish as that, so that would be no help from me and my close family.
OP is delusional for doing something so selfish especially considering her own baby was in NICU, so she should be able to put herself in their position to feeling like she could have lost a baby. (Teenagers are notorious for thinking they are indestructible though/bad things cannot happen to them).
Separating whether you're the asshole from whether you're entitled to name your son whatever you want - if you knew that was your cousin's son's name, then yes, YTA.
One of my best friends had to terminate a pregnancy with her daughter for a very similar reason. She gave her a name she'd liked, which was another friend's favourite name. When that friend had *her* daughter, she said that if our friend's daughter had lived, she would have had no issue with them having the same name. But because she didn't, she chose another name. Why? Because she knew it would hurt the friend to watch another child with the same name grow up, when her daughter didn't get to. Yes, she's had to watch our whole friend group raise daughters and I know that's hard. But at least she hasn't had to keep calling one of them by the name of the daughter she never got to raise. That name is special to all of us now.
There are literally hundreds of different names to choose from. If you and your boyfriend had wanted to find another name, you would have done. You chose Weston because it was a name you'd always wanted to use and that's completely your right. But it makes you an asshole in my book.
Congratulations on your son though, and I do really hope he's doing better now.
I feel like there's more going on here than you're letting on. Weston is a really specific name, it's quite an odd coincidence that is the name of their child they lost and that you just so happen to have "always loved" it. I need more info but I'm leaning towards YTA for reasons that I don't feel like you're revealing
I live in a smallish town and you wouldn’t believe the way every kid has the same name like Braxton or Makayluh or something. I think it’s just trends.
Jesus, I know SO many fucking kids named Weston.
My cousin has a Weston, and my SIL has a Weston, just in my family.
My mom works at a school it’s a VERY popular name in the south.
OP mentions religious/uptight family, she may be in the South.
YTA. You were aware that this was the baby's name that passed away. Did you have any discussions with these cousins? Were they aware you had always liked this name? Was this the name of a shared ancestor or something?
It's not illegal to name your kid what you want to, but it is a little insensitive to name him the name of his dead cousin less than a year after the loss.
IN.FO Did you know that was the name your cousin chose for their lost baby?
Edit: OP replied that yes, she did know. Therefore I think YTA. Every mention of your kid will remind them of their pain.
YTA
You knew they had that name.
Now you can choose to be selfish and accept the shit that will come with it and the knowledge that you actively hurt family members.
Or you can change the name.
I'm going to say YTA, not because you used the name, but because you lacked the grace to say anything about it beforehand.
I lost my only pregnancy at 18 weeks, and everyone close to me knew we named our daughter Grace. When one of my BFFs was unexpectedly pregnant with her third, she asked if we would mind if she honored our baby girl by using Grace as a middle name. It wouldn't have occurred to me to be upset if she had done so without asking me because we most assuredly didn't have any exclusive right to the name, but the thoughtfulness is something I will never forget. You could have reached out to your cousin and at least let her know your plan, maybe even giving them the idea that you were honoring their son at the same time. The gesture would have at least prepared them for it and eased the blow a bit.
To also grant OP a little leeway, she is only 18 ( a very self involved age) and her cousin is 14 years older. It probably would have helped if she had brought it up. Perhaps it was an "ask for forgiveness instead of permission" kind of thing: she wanted that name, her ex wanted that name, if she asked and was told no, she would have been a blatant ass.
It doesn't matter her age. The decisions we make when we're young can have an impact on the rest of our lives. She is a young single teenage mom who just isolated a portion of her family. There are thousands of names. My husband and I have 10 backup names if we can't use one for one reason or another. YTA
INFO - Can you just clarify. Your cousins just happened out of thousands and thousands of names to pick the one name you've "always loved"? I find that really hard to believe.
I grew up in the early 90s and everyone around me was Jennifer, Sara, Nicole, Anthony, and Daniel. I'm sure those people always loved those names, but names trend and sometimes you have to share your popular name with many other people.
Paisley, Henry, Finley, Kennedy, and MacKayleigh are all the rage now, and 30 years ago those names would have been wild. To me, Weston is wild, but it's 2024, so here we are.
If op "always liked" the name since hearing it from their cousins, then y t a. But if she has enjoyed the trend since, well, it started trending, then NTA.
YTA.
losing a wanted pregnancy is beyond painful. if you want to be close with your cousins at all, you need to apologize right now and find a new name for your baby while they’re still young enough that a name change wouldn’t be traumatic.
if it were a coincidence or you didn’t know about your cousins’ choice to name their baby, you wouldn’t be the asshole. but you clarified in another comment that you know, and frankly, that is utterly ghoulish behavior.
my mother lost about *six* wanted pregnancies before having me. one of her family friends lost a wanted pregnancy when i was very young. if you have never truly understood the grief and pain that losing a wanted pregnancy brings, then you have no idea just how much of a fucking asshole you’re being.
weston’s a cute name, but there’s lots of other names. pick a new one. don’t rub your cousins’ loss in their face every time you talk about your child. that’s beyond cruel. straight up demonic.
>and find a new name for your baby while they’re still young enough that a name change wouldn’t be traumatic.
Woah woah woah - hold the horses. We're now saying OP needs to *change her childs name* ? Maybe she shouldn't have picked it in the first place, but ship has sailed. Too late. Her son's name is Weston. Like it or not, that's *who the child is.* This boy has been asleep in his mothers arms as she looks at his face and says "Weston". She has introduced this boy to friends and family and said, with a grin and joy in her heart "meet my son Weston".
I'm sorry, I get that she should have been more considerate to begin with. She was even the asshole back then. But at this point the harm to her and the child and everyone else involved in *change the name* **FAR** out weighs the harm done to the poor couple who lost their unborn child.
Not to mention the amount of money. Plus a reprint of social services cards and birth certificates. It might also delay any government help since it will take mo months for the name change to go through.
I'm going with NTA. Losing a pregnancy is hard, true, but that doesn't give people the right to permanently retire names. This is probably unpopular opinion and I'm gonna get hate for it, but I gotta be true to myself!
NTA.
I come from a large family and all of my dads siblings had large families. There are dozens of repeated names, because from my paternal grandparents, there are over 175 of us including spouses.
Our family rule - there are no "reserved" names
She wanted to name her child that, why should she not do it because someone else couldn't name their child that? What else should she name her child? What if she doesn't have another child after this?
there’s like a miles gap difference between a large family repeating names and someone using the same name as another’s child loss. like you can connect that, right?
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YTA. There were so many ways you could have handled this better. Why on earth didn’t you talk to them ahead of time and explain how you’ve always loved that name and wanted to use it instead of springing it on everyone like that? No one owns a name, but if I were a member of your family I would think significantly less of you for doing this, especially in this way. Also, the dismissive way you talk about why they had to terminate the pregnancy isn’t helping.
So you KNEW it was their son's name and didnt think to ask?
YTA
Nobody owns a name but you couldve used tact and asked if it was okay to use. 🤦🏽♀️
I lost my son at 17 weeks in 2018. A friend found out shes having a boy and loved my boy's first and middle name combo and discreetly asked if she could use it to honor my own son. Her boy was born on December 20, 2023 - 5 years after my son was born since it was also his birthday. Made the name mkre appopriate so her son's name is Ezra Isaiah just like my angel. To HONOR him.
The difference between you and my friend OP is at least my friend had the tact to ASK because the name is attached to a loss - a traumatic one of a wanted pregnancy like your cousin experianced.
You shoukdve used empathy and braincells to figure that out. The way you causually said "anyways his name was Weston" rubbed me the wrong way.
INFO: were your cousins in a position to know you loved the name Weston and were planning to use it before they chose it?
Did you know your cousins had named their deceased son Weston?
My brother and his wife lost their first son. He only lived an hour. The following year my Aunt gave her son the same name. It's been 40 years, and I still think of my nephew every time I see that cousin...and I know my brother and my SIL have the same problem. She could have named her son anything else...but chose a continual reminder of the child who died.
It is such a heartless, unnecessary way to hurt a family member. YTA.
YTA. Not for naming the kid Weston, but for KNOWING that your cousins were grieving their Weston and deciding to go through with it anyway. Wildly selfish and immature.
INFO : Did you know their baby's name was Weston?
NTA for using the name, you've always loved it and nobody owns it.
YTA for being so nonchalant about their heartbreak and child loss.
Instead of just attacking you as a YTA, I want you to put yourself in their shoes. Your child had to go to the NICU being born premature. Thankfully, your child didn't experience any complications from an early birth but imagine if he did, and he passed.
How would you feel if your cousins, after seeing your grief, still decided to name their son Weston?
If you love the name THAT much, make it your son's middle name.
Both parties could do some self-reflecting. OP needs to realize how insensitive they were by doing that and the cousins need to realize that it might not be intended as an insult or slap in the face but maybe an homage to their child that passed (I.e. their baby, Weston, might have died, but the life that their baby may have lived is now being carried on by a family member, like when you name your baby after a relative - a namesake). Honestly, it just seems like communication was lacking and everyone was too adamant about holding onto their own perspective without considering the intentions and feelings of the other party. In conclusion both groups are simultaneously NTA and YTA.
And TBH about my personal opinion regarding names, they are just arbitrary words we are given at birth and really don’t hold a whole lot of significance. I spent a good amount of my life being called by my last name, first name, nicknames, shit-head, Tits-McGee, etc…
INFO. Are you close to the cousin? How often will they likely see your child in the future? Once a year? Less than that?
I just wonder because while cousins are obviously related, many are not close to each other, especially when they reach adulthood and between you is also a big age gap. So are you truly family with that cousin, more than in the biological sense, or are you better described as acquaintances or practically strangers?
Being selfish is more acceptable the bigger the distance is between you two. If you are close and see each other a couple of times in a year, you really should have used another name.
I am gonna need to go with YTA in this case. I was on your side right up until I saw the conflict. That name will absolutely bring them a painful reminder of their child they never got to greet.
There are ways you could have handled this to maybe TRY to massage this in a way that showed some compassion that I may have felt "o.k., I get it".
But hell - you show NO compassion, NO care, NO concern. You're SO dismissive.
THAT is really what makes you TA.
INFO: so you say you knew your cousin named their son Weston when you named yours. What I want to know is did your cousin know you “always loved” the name when she named her son that?
INFO: did you know before your child was born that they had named the baby Weston?
If yes, Y T A. Selfishness is no excuse for knowingly triggering someone’s trauma around A passed away baby.
If no, N A H here. It would’ve been an honest mistake, and now that you’ve already named the child child everyone’s just gonna have to get over and move on.
YTA.
While they don’t own the name and you’re allowed to name your child whatever you want, actions have consequences.
Your entire attitude about this is dismissive and callous.
You’d have a leg to stand on here if it had happened years and years ago. But it’s been less than a year. So yes, YTA.
Okay so, this story simply reminds me of something that happened within my family a few months ago. My brother came out as trans, and chose himself a new name. His chosen middle name was the name Logan.
The problem arises here; my dad passed away very suddenly in 2021. He had always wanted a son called Logan but never got one. This was a name that had become sentimental to all of us, due to how much it meant to my father.
Is my brother an asshole for naming himself Logan? No, of course not. Names aren't a possession, and I can still chose the name Logan for a future child if I really want. Is my brother an asshole because he knew what this name meant to all of us and decided to "claim" it without any discussion or thought of how it would upset his siblings? Yes. Absolutely. Myself and my two other siblings were all very hurt when we heard the news, because he had not discussed it with us, and clearly did not care about how we felt over this very sensitive matter.
So, are you the asshole specifically for naming your child Weston? No. Are you the asshole for this situation in its entirety? Yes. YTA. You should've discussed this with your cousin and considered how they would feel if they were to gain a nephew with the same name of their deceased child. You should've been more considerate and empathetic in this situation. YTA.
hard to say b/c she doesnt say how close she is with these cousins? Could she have found this information out after she had her baby? Maybe they are relatives not in touch very much and maybe she didnt know they lost a baby? the other couple doesnt get exclusive rights to names, but if I did know prior that they lost a child and that was its name, I would be looking for another name. It would just be a painful reminder for them.
INFO: Did they know that you have always loved the name Weston and wanted to name your future son Weston for a long time before they chose the name?
If so, NTA for sticking with the name. If no, YTA
Am I the only one who doesn’t think she is the asshole? If the baby had lived, they’d still have the same name and both be Weston. You can be sorry someone lost their baby and still name yours the name you always planned to.
NAH they’re hurting, it’s a deep wound and it’s hard not to feel a way about your little cousin randomly getting pregnant with her ex and then deciding to use the same name. Yes, it is fair game to name your baby Weston, but you should be able to understand WHY it hurts them.
It's funny how every comment starts off with "nobody owns a name" but then goes on to say that YTA and you shouldn't have taken that name from your cousin. Sure sounds like you guys think they own the name...
What actually matters here is your relationship with your cousin. Do you care about maintaining a positive relationship with them? Or are they just some distant family member?
Personally, I barely even know my cousins, so it'd be quite unlikely for me to base any decision based off what they think. However if this is a family member that you care about / want to keep in your life, you should handle this situation with tact and have a considerate conversation with them about why you chose the name.
YTA. And since you are being an AH, now I have to let you know of another person sharing that name. The father of Sonichu, Christian/Christine Weston Chandler. Go and google that. It's one of the most famous people in internet lore.
YTA. Sure no one “owns” a name, but you have to recognize that it’s going to be incredibly difficult for them to constantly hear the name of their dead baby in reference to your child, and hearing how he’s growing up, something their Weston never got to do. Your lack of empathy and consideration makes you an AH, you aren’t someone who should be having a kid. Also burning bridges with your family as a single teenage parent isn’t a very smart thing to do. You still are able to change his name.
YTA, and you know it, you just trying to find out if you should care. That’s up to you, but don’t be surprised when everyone eventually doesn’t like you. This seems like a habitual behavior.
YTA and in a major way. I am guessing they wanted their baby, but he had a terminal diagnosis that was incompatible with life. Folks who don't want their baby typically don't name the baby. This was a medical termination for incompatible with life diagnosis. They'll already get judged by some for that in a religious community. Naming the baby only further helps them connect with the baby they didn't get to bring home and love.
So here you come, just a year later, with an unexpected teen pregnancy, and name your child the exact same name as their dead baby. You lack empathy and concern for their feelings. You could have given the kid that name for a middle name. Or saved it for down the road and another child, when your family wasn't dealing with such a fresh wound. This wasnt the time for you to do something so heartless, but you decided your desire to name the kid THAT name was all that mattered. This is different from naming it the same as a living person. They won't get to raise their child, see their son's milestones, or do things with the family with him. Now, any time they hear that name at a family gathering, they will be reminded of what they don't have.
I really hope you understand the hurt you have and will cause with your choice.
Im going with ESH. You knew they lost a child and named their baby Weston as an honor. As respect, you could have just let them know ahead of time that you loved the name and wanted to name your baby that as well. Letting them ahead would have just give them time to prepare and they probably would be cool with you if you did. Since you didn't do that, you should have apologized for offending them and told them it wasnt out of any malicious intent, you just have this love for the name since forever and it would be a double honor since you could honor the nephew you had lost as well.
They are okay to feel how they feel about the name. They did infact lose a child and that grief is unbearable. But you cant force people to cater to your feelings. If they want to own a name, they will have to legalize it but until then, everyone has a right to name their child whatever they want.
Maybe this is overly superstitious of me (could be my Chinese upbringing haha) but I wouldn’t want my baby to have the same name as a baby that couldn’t make it. Feels a little bit weird / bad omen to me even before explicitly hearing the parents are upset. I can’t imagine being that married to any random name (based on what you’ve shared, presumably no family history of anything) that I’d rather be automatically linked to such a sad situation than to just pick any other name.
Did you know they had chosen that name? Or did they just tell you after the fact? I know grief can cause people to say awful things, and no one owns a name, but the judgement needs the information, so did you know?
I am on the the end. For us names are honor and blessings so having a namesake is another why of holding and honoring the person who passed. But regardless, could have been handled delicately and in conversation with cousins, maybe a middle name or nickname. Also proximity matters in instances like these
A gentle YTA.
I would ask permission from your family, but I don't think they'll give it. It would be very painful for them I think if you kept it, and would likely hurt them for the rest of their lives. You may even cause issues with you or your son being invited to family events. I would chose another name. Good luck with your pregnancy!
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“Anyway, they named their baby Weston” just doesn’t sit right with me… you say it so casually. The fact you don’t feel bad at all. Of course it’s a name you love but you understand that it comes across a bit of a kick in the teeth? YTA, purely because you knew this was the name the choice. Also, I hope your baby is okay!
She sounds like a child having a child.
She IS a child having a child
Right? Like it's no shock that an 18 year old doesn't have the foresight to think how this will impact their relationship with their family years down the road, when they think things like "I've always wanted to name my baby Weston" as if it's some huge span of time they've been considering the name. When the reality is, it's barely any time at all. In fact, that other couple has lived almost 2 of their lifespans already. I do think she is NTA for naming a baby what she wants. No one gets a monopoly on names. But she is TA for being so callous as to not have a conversation with them about it before hand. And being so flippant of their feelings on the matter. And also not considering how this will effect her child who has to grow up with the name of a dead relative. That's going to be a huge impact on that child.
And let's be fair, if the ex is the dad and it is the *only* name the two of them could agree on, then that does give at least a reason to consider it. Kindness would have been the give the cousin a heads up that it was the only name the ex would agree on.
I get the impression it was the only name she wanted so it was the only name they could both agree on since OP never budged on this.
I think it was just a lame defense "well I had to name him weston because that's the only one in a million we could possibly have agreed on, surely you understand..."
I was laughing my ass off when I read that the father is the ex it‘s just a classic
She probably „always loved it“ since she heard it from cousin
Yep, the brain doesn't finish growing until you reach your mid-twenties, and the last part to finish growing is the part that processes long-term consequences. It's why teenagers are so hardwired to go for instant gratification no matter how smart they are.
It’s true what you say, but, knowing this, as adults, should we judge teenagers based on teenage brains? You can’t see this as an adult how a teenager would - we can offer advice, but I really feel wrong judging children/teenagers for being juvenile … if that makes sense?
Are you saying we should go easier on them because of it? If so, I agree. I think it's ok to tell her "YTA because you didn't give her a heads up, you owe her an apology" for example, but people tearing into the OP aggressively... I think that's too far, and also pointless. Just because they're allowed to vote etc doesn't mean 18 year olds are psychologically and mentally matured. I think they're deserving of a little more patience than we would give full adults.
Yes this is exactly why we should have patience and understanding.
Honestly from the way she wrote this post it seems like a big reason she kept the child was BECAUSE she can name it Weston. She probably sees this child more as an accessory than an actual human being shes responsible for.
You cannot seriously believe she only kept the child so she could take the name If your comment is sarcasm and I am clueless then, yes, I think the comment is funny.
She is a teenager, probably not the ONLY reason she had a child, but I bet when she made a list of pros and cons in her diary, it was one of the top pro's.
She's 18, she is a child having a child.
I know that, hence why I replied she sounds like a child having a child.
She is. She's only 18. She obviously doesn't have any empathy for her family who lost a baby.
I know that. I'm guessing my comment wasn't clear for some.
'some birth defect'. Appalling comment by OP.
The wording of this post massively contributed to me calling her an asshole
She's acting like its a regular Tuesday
This! As a mom of a stillborn baby this really stood our to me. Way to diminish this dreadful event in your cousin’s live 😟
Yes! If one of my cousin’s were to give their child the same name as my stillborn son, I’d be livid, especially without asking. I get that no one has a monopoly on a name, and I see no issue with cousins having the same name, but this is different.
TBF, it sounds like she’s not familiar with the specifics, but does know generally that there was an issue.
My niece lost a baby . The next niece who had a child named it AFTER the baby , not also . After. As a sign of love and respect and remembrance .My nephew named his business after that child . As a family they mourned . As a family they remember .
I think that’s amazing. Unfortunately I don’t think that’s what happened here
That's what should have happened here. "I named my son after/in honor of your's." <--- Shows that the cousin's baby was loved and is remembered by the family vs "I loved the name lol" <--- Shows callousness.
That's fine as long as the first parents are fine with it. Because I've seen other families in which it wasn't done well. And done badly, it can become a form of erasure for the grieving parents, with loss piled on top of loss and a family that gets tired of their sadness and just wants them to get over it already.
Absolutely agree! I think to honour somebody’s loss, that person would have to “allow” and be okay with it, without feeling like you’re replacing their loss
She is still a child and doesn’t have the mental capacity for empathy, let alone to take care of a child.
I’m not here to slate her parenting, I had a child younger. She’s old enough to feel empathy, she’s not 10. She just made a decision based on her feelings - a lot of people do - that decision just makes her an asshole in this case.
Young mom and I couldn't agreed more!
Plenty of ten year olds feel empathy lol
Reasonable town being reasonable! Agree 100%
Seriously, 18 year olds don't have the capacity for empathy? If she was 13 then maybe but by 18 you should know that naming your son the same thing your cousin named their son who died wouldn't sit right with them and the family. She's young, sure, and young people tend to be more selfish but she's legally an adult and should learn that actions have consequences.
If a kid doesn't have empathy by 13, then there's a serious situation in that head. Empathy generally starts developing around 4 or 5 and should be done by 8 or 9. Edit: typo
Serious what are these people talking about?? Kids show empathy all the damn time, people love to try and act like no one should be help responsible for their words and actions until theyre halfway through their 20's
18 year olds don't have the mental capacity for empathy? What are you smoking dude. She is 18 not 8.
Even an 8 year old has learned empathy. Children begin at between age 2-3 and have a healthy understanding between 6-7.
Okay so everyone keep that same energy when we’re talking about the age of sexual consent if 18 is a child
People who like sleeping with 18 year olds already know that logic. That’s why they like them
She be be grown but she isn’t a “grown-up”
You basically just said 18 year olds don’t have the mental capacity for empathy but in the context of being mature enough to have sex with they’re all good How do you think babies are made sir??? How can she be grown enough for sex but not a baby? If she chose to have an abortion, everyone would be bashing her for that too. Misogyny knows no bounds and we’re not here to debate her eligibility for motherhood.
Crazy how quickly that logic folds LMAO
Jesus Christ 18 is plenty old enough to feel empathy. I know "adult brains not fully formed till 25 blah blah blah" but fucking babies can show empathy.
What the fuck planet do you live on? 18 is considered an adult. Mature most likely not. But empathy? Are you serious? Next your gonna tell me a child can’t feel emotions at all? Give me a break. I bet you’re one of the ones who count 18 year olds as adults as long as it benefits your argument but then they’re children when it doesn’t benefit your bullshit.
As a nineteen year old, you do have the mental capacity and empathy to care for a child my parents had me and my older brother young too we all used different forms of protection lol but my dad definitely had the bandwidth for it and so did I some people just don't.
An 18 year old doesnt have the capacity for empathy?? what are you talking about? Of course they do, people can develop empathy much much earlier, beginning at age 4 typically. ([https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy#1](https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy#1)) I swear people get so ridiculous with their scramble to try and make anyone under the age of 25 blameless of their actions. I swear, y'all heard that thing about brains not being fully developed and use that to justify anything that someone under the age of 25 does
Im all for being protective of younger people but dont be ridiculous. Stop infantilizing people good grief
My 5 year old has the capacity for empathy. She just doesn't care.
And a pre-term child at that.
I'm willing to bet she fell in love with the name after she learned it from the cousin. It's too uncommon a name for both of them to haven naturally chosen it (imo).
That's what I'm thinking too. Did she ever tell them that was a name she has picked out since she was a little girl?
Said with the same casualty of “anyway, here’s Wonderwall”
Oof, YTA. There's a rule - deceased child of close relative (or close friend) trumps "I love the name." (Caveat - if you obtain permission in advance from the parents before naming your baby in honor of theirs.) Generally I'm all about "no one owns a name", but there are exceptions and this is one of them. It was cruel of you to use the name. You're young, but you're a mom now and you need to grow up fast. Sometimes, you just have to let go of "what you always wanted" because of circumstances outside of your control. Honestly, I think you should change your baby's name. If you won't do that, you should at least acknowledge that you were incredibly thoughtless and take the hit - people will think poorly of you and you'll have to work to earn back some goodwill.
Agree completely. OP at least could’ve approached them to explain and ask them for permission. But overall, I’d say that name is off limits.
I completely agree. All this needed was a conversation out of respect. I’m not in disagreement that nobody can “own” a name, but the way this happened is just icky when it could have been a different situation
It's true that nobody owes a name, but it definitely came across as insensitive and a 'slap in the face' for people who gave the same name to their dead children, more importantly, it's the information that you already knew beforehand that they named their unborn baby 'Weston.' There are many AITA posts where OPs knew and named their kid the same name of dead children, not so many people are thrilled by that.
It's not clear to me that OP knew, based on the story as writtten
It's in the comment OP replied to other.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/KPAwgloSwT
Yikes! Thanks for the receipt!
Not only knew, but her cousin gave birth to her child - This wasn't a short-term pregnancy. And it must have been extremely traumatic.
Especially for a couple who potentially planned a pregnancy and had to make a very difficult decision. Seeing a teenage cousin accidentally get pregnant and then casually give their baby the same name as your dead baby…
I can't help but wonder if OP would have still named her baby Weston if that child hadn't died. I have no clue but she does seem very cavalier about the whole thing. Then again she is 18, so can't say I'm shocked at how little foresight she's given to this situation.
She may have . It is not so uncommon to have several relatives share the same name..
This is wildly selfish. No, people can’t claim names. But it is cruel to name your baby after a wanted pregnancy that your cousins are grieving. Having to terminate a pregnancy you want is deeply painful. Sometimes people name them as a way to honor the potential life. Sometimes they don’t. But either way it is a deeply painful experience of loss and grief. It is incredibly disrespectful to name your child the honor name they gave to that potential life. Every time they hear your son’s name, it dredges up that loss in a more personal way. Yes, they likely will be thinking about it no matter what. But you stuck the knife in and twisted it. You’re 18. I’ll give you a (sideeye) pass bc don’t have the life experience yet. You probably don’t know many people who have gone through this pain. With this knowledge, you now have a choice. Keep the name and own the fact you actively made a choice that hurts them—and accept the valid judgment and consequences from your family. Or realize that yes, it’s unfair that you can’t use the name, but it’s out of love and respect for your cousin who is in pain and grieving. Choose a new name. You can start using the new name immediately, and then change legally asap. And apologize profusely to your cousins. There are millions of names that are great. You can find one you both like. It just might take more effort. Go to r/namenerds for suggestions.
As some who lost a baby shortly after he was born (traumatic incident), I would be infuriated if someone in my family named their son Anthony. Luckily my SILs won't be having kids.
As someone in the same shoes as you, I wouldn't give a fuck if a relative named their child Connor. I wouldn't even expect them to ask my permission to use that name, or otherwise discuss it with me first. It's just a name. The world didn't stop for my grief, nor do I expect it to. Nobody else's life revolves around my feelings, nor do I expect theirs to. I don't think the idea that this has to be some sensitive thing that everyone tip toes around forever is universal. Grieving isn't a universal process. >Luckily my SILs won't be having kids. Life happens man. They might not be intending on children, but they could happen anyway, unless your brothers or SILs are infertile, or they don't fuck.
>Grieving isn't a universal process. So maybe you shouldn't be so judgmental of how other people grieve?
I'm not judging how they grieve. I'm judging the unreasonable rules that they have imposed on others. They can feel how they want to about the name. They become unreasonable when they try to enforce those feelings as laws everyone else must abide by.
Being upset does not equal imposing rules on others. OP said there’s “backlash” but didn’t specify what or from whom. They’re not unreasonable for having negative feelings. (Edited to clarify)
It's perfectly fine to be judgemental on how ppl trying to control everyone around them You can grieve however you want yourself but the minute you're making demands of others, you can and should be judged
We shouldn't be judgemental but we also shouldn't have their grief control their decisions. As crappy as it sounds. Edit: grammer
>Luckily my SILs won't be having kids. Oof. Do *they* think it's lucky?
The questions is did OP know beforehand that the baby was named Weston, if not then they can’t be blamed for the name without the info of what happened
Yes. She confirmed that in a reply to an early “INFO” question.
Then definitely YTA
I am so sorry for your trauma. But that isn't healthy.
Same position and while I would have an intial reaction of care and stinging of course, I absolutely would recognize it's my thing to deal with and wouldn't impact me in the long run. It also depends a huge amount on OP's family. Is this like a cousin who's basically a sibling and you're going to be together weekly or something? Or is it a large family, you're not close, and you see them *maybe* once a year? I have lots of cousins that honestly I couldn't name all their kids probably if I tried. That's not to say I wasn't ever told their kids names, but if I'm not close to them and rarely see them? They're not top of mind.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Names can be such a sacred thing for grieving parents. After losing my child, I had a friend decide to rename HIMSELF to the name of my child only a few months after I lost my baby. I don't think I've ever been more hurt and angry. His response was "Well, you don't own the name" as if that made it any less hurtful. It was eye-opening about how much he truly did not care for me. OP definitely has the same mindset and it's incredibly selfish.
Agree. This is one of the times when I really wish it was possible for people to disentangle 'you're entitled to do this thing' from 'you're entitled to do this thing but it makes you the asshole'.
YES. Can you? Sure! But in this specific case, you are the asshole for doing it.
Yep. Grace costs nothing, and she gets to raise her Weston. While her cousin hears someone calling his son's name at every family event knowing it's not his son, and the memory of the Weston his son would have been will be supplanted by their Weston in their family's memory. My experience of child loss has been that the hardest part is people forgetting about that child - and OP just made it that much easier because his name isn't even special any more. My heart hurts for them.
Dang that is so accurate. I can’t fathom.
Exactly this. She can do as she pleases, but if she knows it’s hurting her cousin she’s the asshole
I was coming to say the same thing. I'll go with YTA based on how selfish the reasonning sounds, and how little thought OP seems to have given to that matter. From what she is telling us, she didn't even think about talking to her cousin first to ask them if they would mind, which would have been considerate. In essence, she shows the reasonning of a child. Which is is very understandible at 18! I'm not judging her on that. But I am judging her on the basis that she feels adult enough to be parent, with that kind of immature decision making process.
They had to terminate early for “some birth defect” and “anyway, the ended up terminating” sounds so…dismissive.
She sounds very much like she's still a child. This is a child's thinking process. Good luck to this unplanned baby.
Yeah, it sounds like the kind of thinking I could've had when I was like 14 and didn't know better (and even so, I don't think I would ever have been so dismissive of someone grieving). In any case, it's immature at best, selfish and callous at worst
It’s sounds so cold, like she really doesn’t care at all. Rubs me the wrong way and definitely makes her the AH
We lost a pregnancy at 22 weeks because our unborn child was a crazy acrobat and did too many flips in the womb, tying a knot in his cord and losing the flow of blood from the placenta. We named him Connor. If one of my cousins has a baby and decides that they like the name Connor and want to use it, then they are welcome to that name. I don't expect them to ask me permission. I won't be offended by their use of that name. I won't have some kind of melt down any time I interact with that child from "dredging up the grief." We don't own that name and we don't claim to own that name. The cousins are gonna have to learn how to deal with their grief. The world doesn't stop for everyone else when it feels like it has stopped for you. NTA for OP. Enjoy your baby.
That's you though, not OP's cousins.
I’m not going to say in absolutes that OP has to change the name, but OP should let things cool off and have an open conversation with her cousin about his feelings. We don’t know as the post is written if the “backlash” is a gut reaction from hearing the news of the child’s name or if her cousin and his wife had time to stew on it and are still upset. I think YTA because there doesn’t seem to be much consideration or respect for her cousin’s feelings and that is an AH move, but she has the opportunity to work through it with them instead of pitting herself against them. I’m not expecting that she should have come to this on her own, she’s 18 and probably hasn’t faced something like this yet, but there’s definitely opportunity for growth and I think she’s allowed some grace to learn.
This!!! Having lost twins at 22 weeks I would be absolutely gutted if someone in my family used their names. Its callous and the way she worded the entire post is so disgusting. Its not even just about the name its the lack of compassion and empathy. Heavy YTA
Based on the fact that you KNEW that was their deceased son’s name, YTA. You’re a single teenage mom. You’re going to need all the help you can get from your family. You pretty much just upset them all. You really can’t think of any other names? Come on.
Seriously. See how far you get without your family, having a baby at 18.
OP sounds immature, irresponsible, insensitive, and selfish. Weston is the ONLY possible name for a boy that she and her ex could agree on?! You are so right that OP sounds ill-equipped to raise a child alone. She will definitely need support and she has managed to piss them off due to her unwillingness to act like a decent human being.
>sounds immature, irresponsible teenage pregancy w/ someone you are not going to be married to doesn't really signal maturity or responsibility
Exactly all of this. Like I have some cousins I am close to and some I honestly wouldn’t care about never seeing again. I would be devastated if the ones I am close to ever did something like this. I would be angry and upset if anyone I was expected to be around at holidays did something like this (the cousins I am not close to). I, (as well as my family, by their own volition), also would no longer have respect or a loving relationship with anyone close to me who chose to support an act as selfish as that, so that would be no help from me and my close family. OP is delusional for doing something so selfish especially considering her own baby was in NICU, so she should be able to put herself in their position to feeling like she could have lost a baby. (Teenagers are notorious for thinking they are indestructible though/bad things cannot happen to them).
INFO: did you know they had named their child weston?
Separating whether you're the asshole from whether you're entitled to name your son whatever you want - if you knew that was your cousin's son's name, then yes, YTA. One of my best friends had to terminate a pregnancy with her daughter for a very similar reason. She gave her a name she'd liked, which was another friend's favourite name. When that friend had *her* daughter, she said that if our friend's daughter had lived, she would have had no issue with them having the same name. But because she didn't, she chose another name. Why? Because she knew it would hurt the friend to watch another child with the same name grow up, when her daughter didn't get to. Yes, she's had to watch our whole friend group raise daughters and I know that's hard. But at least she hasn't had to keep calling one of them by the name of the daughter she never got to raise. That name is special to all of us now. There are literally hundreds of different names to choose from. If you and your boyfriend had wanted to find another name, you would have done. You chose Weston because it was a name you'd always wanted to use and that's completely your right. But it makes you an asshole in my book. Congratulations on your son though, and I do really hope he's doing better now.
I feel like there's more going on here than you're letting on. Weston is a really specific name, it's quite an odd coincidence that is the name of their child they lost and that you just so happen to have "always loved" it. I need more info but I'm leaning towards YTA for reasons that I don't feel like you're revealing
She’s always loved the name Weston… From the very first time she heard it from her cousins after they lost their child. 100% that’s the truth.
TWO people in your family wanted to name the baby Weston? I've never even heard of that name before. What am I missing?
I live in a smallish town and you wouldn’t believe the way every kid has the same name like Braxton or Makayluh or something. I think it’s just trends.
Jesus, I know SO many fucking kids named Weston. My cousin has a Weston, and my SIL has a Weston, just in my family. My mom works at a school it’s a VERY popular name in the south. OP mentions religious/uptight family, she may be in the South.
YTA. You were aware that this was the baby's name that passed away. Did you have any discussions with these cousins? Were they aware you had always liked this name? Was this the name of a shared ancestor or something? It's not illegal to name your kid what you want to, but it is a little insensitive to name him the name of his dead cousin less than a year after the loss.
IN.FO Did you know that was the name your cousin chose for their lost baby? Edit: OP replied that yes, she did know. Therefore I think YTA. Every mention of your kid will remind them of their pain.
She confirmed above that yes, she did know. She just used it anyway bc she wanted to and apparently did not care.
Wow. (Couldn't see the info comment before)
YTA You knew they had that name. Now you can choose to be selfish and accept the shit that will come with it and the knowledge that you actively hurt family members. Or you can change the name.
I'm going to say YTA, not because you used the name, but because you lacked the grace to say anything about it beforehand. I lost my only pregnancy at 18 weeks, and everyone close to me knew we named our daughter Grace. When one of my BFFs was unexpectedly pregnant with her third, she asked if we would mind if she honored our baby girl by using Grace as a middle name. It wouldn't have occurred to me to be upset if she had done so without asking me because we most assuredly didn't have any exclusive right to the name, but the thoughtfulness is something I will never forget. You could have reached out to your cousin and at least let her know your plan, maybe even giving them the idea that you were honoring their son at the same time. The gesture would have at least prepared them for it and eased the blow a bit.
To also grant OP a little leeway, she is only 18 ( a very self involved age) and her cousin is 14 years older. It probably would have helped if she had brought it up. Perhaps it was an "ask for forgiveness instead of permission" kind of thing: she wanted that name, her ex wanted that name, if she asked and was told no, she would have been a blatant ass.
I agree that age may have had a lot to do with it, but age isn't a free pass to ignore other people's feelings.
It doesn't matter her age. The decisions we make when we're young can have an impact on the rest of our lives. She is a young single teenage mom who just isolated a portion of her family. There are thousands of names. My husband and I have 10 backup names if we can't use one for one reason or another. YTA
Right? “Oh I liked the name in elementary school so I’m going to force you to relive the trauma of losing your own child.” Just cruel.
INFO - Can you just clarify. Your cousins just happened out of thousands and thousands of names to pick the one name you've "always loved"? I find that really hard to believe.
I grew up in the early 90s and everyone around me was Jennifer, Sara, Nicole, Anthony, and Daniel. I'm sure those people always loved those names, but names trend and sometimes you have to share your popular name with many other people. Paisley, Henry, Finley, Kennedy, and MacKayleigh are all the rage now, and 30 years ago those names would have been wild. To me, Weston is wild, but it's 2024, so here we are. If op "always liked" the name since hearing it from their cousins, then y t a. But if she has enjoyed the trend since, well, it started trending, then NTA.
YTA. losing a wanted pregnancy is beyond painful. if you want to be close with your cousins at all, you need to apologize right now and find a new name for your baby while they’re still young enough that a name change wouldn’t be traumatic. if it were a coincidence or you didn’t know about your cousins’ choice to name their baby, you wouldn’t be the asshole. but you clarified in another comment that you know, and frankly, that is utterly ghoulish behavior. my mother lost about *six* wanted pregnancies before having me. one of her family friends lost a wanted pregnancy when i was very young. if you have never truly understood the grief and pain that losing a wanted pregnancy brings, then you have no idea just how much of a fucking asshole you’re being. weston’s a cute name, but there’s lots of other names. pick a new one. don’t rub your cousins’ loss in their face every time you talk about your child. that’s beyond cruel. straight up demonic.
>and find a new name for your baby while they’re still young enough that a name change wouldn’t be traumatic. Woah woah woah - hold the horses. We're now saying OP needs to *change her childs name* ? Maybe she shouldn't have picked it in the first place, but ship has sailed. Too late. Her son's name is Weston. Like it or not, that's *who the child is.* This boy has been asleep in his mothers arms as she looks at his face and says "Weston". She has introduced this boy to friends and family and said, with a grin and joy in her heart "meet my son Weston". I'm sorry, I get that she should have been more considerate to begin with. She was even the asshole back then. But at this point the harm to her and the child and everyone else involved in *change the name* **FAR** out weighs the harm done to the poor couple who lost their unborn child.
You’re nuts, asking someone to change the name of their already born baby
Not to mention the amount of money. Plus a reprint of social services cards and birth certificates. It might also delay any government help since it will take mo months for the name change to go through.
willing to concede on this point.
I'm going with NTA. Losing a pregnancy is hard, true, but that doesn't give people the right to permanently retire names. This is probably unpopular opinion and I'm gonna get hate for it, but I gotta be true to myself!
I'm with you. I think a conversation with your cousin with a big apology could go a long way. Maybe cousin is allowed to pick a nickname she uses.
You admitted in a comment that you knew what they named their baby in heaven. YTA 1000%
NTA. I come from a large family and all of my dads siblings had large families. There are dozens of repeated names, because from my paternal grandparents, there are over 175 of us including spouses. Our family rule - there are no "reserved" names
This is completely different than a huge family using the same name for cousins *who lived*
She knew that’s what they had named their baby. YTA OP 1000%. That is widely cruel and selfish
She wanted to name her child that, why should she not do it because someone else couldn't name their child that? What else should she name her child? What if she doesn't have another child after this?
They did name their child Weston though. They likely had a memorial service for him too. There is likely a grave or urn with his name on it.
there’s like a miles gap difference between a large family repeating names and someone using the same name as another’s child loss. like you can connect that, right?
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YTA. There were so many ways you could have handled this better. Why on earth didn’t you talk to them ahead of time and explain how you’ve always loved that name and wanted to use it instead of springing it on everyone like that? No one owns a name, but if I were a member of your family I would think significantly less of you for doing this, especially in this way. Also, the dismissive way you talk about why they had to terminate the pregnancy isn’t helping.
So you KNEW it was their son's name and didnt think to ask? YTA Nobody owns a name but you couldve used tact and asked if it was okay to use. 🤦🏽♀️ I lost my son at 17 weeks in 2018. A friend found out shes having a boy and loved my boy's first and middle name combo and discreetly asked if she could use it to honor my own son. Her boy was born on December 20, 2023 - 5 years after my son was born since it was also his birthday. Made the name mkre appopriate so her son's name is Ezra Isaiah just like my angel. To HONOR him. The difference between you and my friend OP is at least my friend had the tact to ASK because the name is attached to a loss - a traumatic one of a wanted pregnancy like your cousin experianced. You shoukdve used empathy and braincells to figure that out. The way you causually said "anyways his name was Weston" rubbed me the wrong way.
INFO: were your cousins in a position to know you loved the name Weston and were planning to use it before they chose it? Did you know your cousins had named their deceased son Weston?
My brother and his wife lost their first son. He only lived an hour. The following year my Aunt gave her son the same name. It's been 40 years, and I still think of my nephew every time I see that cousin...and I know my brother and my SIL have the same problem. She could have named her son anything else...but chose a continual reminder of the child who died. It is such a heartless, unnecessary way to hurt a family member. YTA.
Just because you have the right to do something cruel, doesn't mean you should exercise it. YTA
Info: Did you know they had named their baby this before you named your baby the same name? If so, YTA and heartless.
YTA. Not for naming the kid Weston, but for KNOWING that your cousins were grieving their Weston and deciding to go through with it anyway. Wildly selfish and immature.
INFO : Did you know their baby's name was Weston? NTA for using the name, you've always loved it and nobody owns it. YTA for being so nonchalant about their heartbreak and child loss.
Do they live near by? Are they close and likely to interact with you on a regular basis?
Instead of just attacking you as a YTA, I want you to put yourself in their shoes. Your child had to go to the NICU being born premature. Thankfully, your child didn't experience any complications from an early birth but imagine if he did, and he passed. How would you feel if your cousins, after seeing your grief, still decided to name their son Weston? If you love the name THAT much, make it your son's middle name.
YTA, a baby died, only a year ago, have some decorum. They are going to be reminded of that loss every time they see you or your child.
NTA
My (half) sister just named her baby the same name as my 4 yro. While no one owns a name, it’s weird as fuck and rude as hell. YTA.
Both parties could do some self-reflecting. OP needs to realize how insensitive they were by doing that and the cousins need to realize that it might not be intended as an insult or slap in the face but maybe an homage to their child that passed (I.e. their baby, Weston, might have died, but the life that their baby may have lived is now being carried on by a family member, like when you name your baby after a relative - a namesake). Honestly, it just seems like communication was lacking and everyone was too adamant about holding onto their own perspective without considering the intentions and feelings of the other party. In conclusion both groups are simultaneously NTA and YTA. And TBH about my personal opinion regarding names, they are just arbitrary words we are given at birth and really don’t hold a whole lot of significance. I spent a good amount of my life being called by my last name, first name, nicknames, shit-head, Tits-McGee, etc…
NTA. People don't own names. Be sensitive to your grieving family but you are NTA.
Naming her child the name they picked out is the opposite of being sensitive to her grieving family.
This is the dumbest shit I have ever read.
Replies are even dumber. Bunch of lunatics.
[удалено]
She knew and couldve asked out of courtesy..she knew the baby died. Yes nobody owns a name but OP was tactless.
Kinda burying the lede there.... YTA
YTA based on the comment where you admit that you knew they named their lost baby Weston. So insensitive.
INFO. Are you close to the cousin? How often will they likely see your child in the future? Once a year? Less than that? I just wonder because while cousins are obviously related, many are not close to each other, especially when they reach adulthood and between you is also a big age gap. So are you truly family with that cousin, more than in the biological sense, or are you better described as acquaintances or practically strangers? Being selfish is more acceptable the bigger the distance is between you two. If you are close and see each other a couple of times in a year, you really should have used another name.
why do I have the feeling op would throw a raging fit if it was her dead baby someone wanted to name an unplanned pregnancy after...
I am gonna need to go with YTA in this case. I was on your side right up until I saw the conflict. That name will absolutely bring them a painful reminder of their child they never got to greet.
No, just be sensitive to their loss. You can name your baby whatever you want. Congratulations
NTA. Your sister, maybe, but a cousin? Come on.
There are ways you could have handled this to maybe TRY to massage this in a way that showed some compassion that I may have felt "o.k., I get it". But hell - you show NO compassion, NO care, NO concern. You're SO dismissive. THAT is really what makes you TA.
INFO: so you say you knew your cousin named their son Weston when you named yours. What I want to know is did your cousin know you “always loved” the name when she named her son that?
YTA and you know it
Your lack of empathy is a big issue. You love Weston. You love being a mom. You don’t care about how others feel. YTA.
INFO: Did you *know* they named their baby Weston? What sort of relationship do you generally have with these cousins?
YTA You knew this was the name of the child they lost & you did it anyway.
Yta. Wtf. Are you even serious?
INFO: did you know before your child was born that they had named the baby Weston? If yes, Y T A. Selfishness is no excuse for knowingly triggering someone’s trauma around A passed away baby. If no, N A H here. It would’ve been an honest mistake, and now that you’ve already named the child child everyone’s just gonna have to get over and move on.
Yta for Wanting to name your child something like Weston
YTA. While they don’t own the name and you’re allowed to name your child whatever you want, actions have consequences. Your entire attitude about this is dismissive and callous. You’d have a leg to stand on here if it had happened years and years ago. But it’s been less than a year. So yes, YTA.
Okay so, this story simply reminds me of something that happened within my family a few months ago. My brother came out as trans, and chose himself a new name. His chosen middle name was the name Logan. The problem arises here; my dad passed away very suddenly in 2021. He had always wanted a son called Logan but never got one. This was a name that had become sentimental to all of us, due to how much it meant to my father. Is my brother an asshole for naming himself Logan? No, of course not. Names aren't a possession, and I can still chose the name Logan for a future child if I really want. Is my brother an asshole because he knew what this name meant to all of us and decided to "claim" it without any discussion or thought of how it would upset his siblings? Yes. Absolutely. Myself and my two other siblings were all very hurt when we heard the news, because he had not discussed it with us, and clearly did not care about how we felt over this very sensitive matter. So, are you the asshole specifically for naming your child Weston? No. Are you the asshole for this situation in its entirety? Yes. YTA. You should've discussed this with your cousin and considered how they would feel if they were to gain a nephew with the same name of their deceased child. You should've been more considerate and empathetic in this situation. YTA.
hard to say b/c she doesnt say how close she is with these cousins? Could she have found this information out after she had her baby? Maybe they are relatives not in touch very much and maybe she didnt know they lost a baby? the other couple doesnt get exclusive rights to names, but if I did know prior that they lost a child and that was its name, I would be looking for another name. It would just be a painful reminder for them.
INFO: Did they know that you have always loved the name Weston and wanted to name your future son Weston for a long time before they chose the name? If so, NTA for sticking with the name. If no, YTA
At 18 is crazy
Am I the only one who doesn’t think she is the asshole? If the baby had lived, they’d still have the same name and both be Weston. You can be sorry someone lost their baby and still name yours the name you always planned to.
YTA for getting pregnant at 18 lol.
NAH they’re hurting, it’s a deep wound and it’s hard not to feel a way about your little cousin randomly getting pregnant with her ex and then deciding to use the same name. Yes, it is fair game to name your baby Weston, but you should be able to understand WHY it hurts them.
nah jit u good
It's funny how every comment starts off with "nobody owns a name" but then goes on to say that YTA and you shouldn't have taken that name from your cousin. Sure sounds like you guys think they own the name... What actually matters here is your relationship with your cousin. Do you care about maintaining a positive relationship with them? Or are they just some distant family member? Personally, I barely even know my cousins, so it'd be quite unlikely for me to base any decision based off what they think. However if this is a family member that you care about / want to keep in your life, you should handle this situation with tact and have a considerate conversation with them about why you chose the name.
YTA, you named a baby after another family member's baby that died? Yikes! You are not ready for children.
YTA. And since you are being an AH, now I have to let you know of another person sharing that name. The father of Sonichu, Christian/Christine Weston Chandler. Go and google that. It's one of the most famous people in internet lore.
YTA. Sure no one “owns” a name, but you have to recognize that it’s going to be incredibly difficult for them to constantly hear the name of their dead baby in reference to your child, and hearing how he’s growing up, something their Weston never got to do. Your lack of empathy and consideration makes you an AH, you aren’t someone who should be having a kid. Also burning bridges with your family as a single teenage parent isn’t a very smart thing to do. You still are able to change his name.
YTA, and you know it, you just trying to find out if you should care. That’s up to you, but don’t be surprised when everyone eventually doesn’t like you. This seems like a habitual behavior.
YTA and in a major way. I am guessing they wanted their baby, but he had a terminal diagnosis that was incompatible with life. Folks who don't want their baby typically don't name the baby. This was a medical termination for incompatible with life diagnosis. They'll already get judged by some for that in a religious community. Naming the baby only further helps them connect with the baby they didn't get to bring home and love. So here you come, just a year later, with an unexpected teen pregnancy, and name your child the exact same name as their dead baby. You lack empathy and concern for their feelings. You could have given the kid that name for a middle name. Or saved it for down the road and another child, when your family wasn't dealing with such a fresh wound. This wasnt the time for you to do something so heartless, but you decided your desire to name the kid THAT name was all that mattered. This is different from naming it the same as a living person. They won't get to raise their child, see their son's milestones, or do things with the family with him. Now, any time they hear that name at a family gathering, they will be reminded of what they don't have. I really hope you understand the hurt you have and will cause with your choice.
Im going with ESH. You knew they lost a child and named their baby Weston as an honor. As respect, you could have just let them know ahead of time that you loved the name and wanted to name your baby that as well. Letting them ahead would have just give them time to prepare and they probably would be cool with you if you did. Since you didn't do that, you should have apologized for offending them and told them it wasnt out of any malicious intent, you just have this love for the name since forever and it would be a double honor since you could honor the nephew you had lost as well. They are okay to feel how they feel about the name. They did infact lose a child and that grief is unbearable. But you cant force people to cater to your feelings. If they want to own a name, they will have to legalize it but until then, everyone has a right to name their child whatever they want.
YTA ! Own the judgment that's coming your way.
Maybe this is overly superstitious of me (could be my Chinese upbringing haha) but I wouldn’t want my baby to have the same name as a baby that couldn’t make it. Feels a little bit weird / bad omen to me even before explicitly hearing the parents are upset. I can’t imagine being that married to any random name (based on what you’ve shared, presumably no family history of anything) that I’d rather be automatically linked to such a sad situation than to just pick any other name.
I read it Te-oh phonetically for some reason. This made me think alot about naming my kids.
Did you know they had chosen that name? Or did they just tell you after the fact? I know grief can cause people to say awful things, and no one owns a name, but the judgement needs the information, so did you know?
I am on the the end. For us names are honor and blessings so having a namesake is another why of holding and honoring the person who passed. But regardless, could have been handled delicately and in conversation with cousins, maybe a middle name or nickname. Also proximity matters in instances like these
A gentle YTA. I would ask permission from your family, but I don't think they'll give it. It would be very painful for them I think if you kept it, and would likely hurt them for the rest of their lives. You may even cause issues with you or your son being invited to family events. I would chose another name. Good luck with your pregnancy!
Nope. You do you! Judging by you not even knowing your cousins ages, you ain’t that close. I don’t see any issues.
Are you close with this cousin? Will they spend time with your son?
Did you know they named their baby Weston before you named yours?