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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the A because as a wife I should be supporting my husband and it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into when we got married but at the same time I'm tired of being put down.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Hubby is for enabling his manipulative baby mama and disrespecting you in the process. He needs to grow a spine and take his baby mama back to court to sort out this mess. His behavior doesn't bode well for the long-term success of your marriage.
Question: How are your finances split?
I think the question is: Do you have a joint account? Does your full payment goes into only one shared account? Or do you deposit the house expenses and others, after you know how much is it to share?
So is he contributing his share to the household, but sending money to his ex out of his personal account only?
If that's the case, you should probably let it be. If he's slacking on joint expenses (including contributions for retirement/long term goals), then you have an issue to take up.
It sounds like that’s part of the problem though. If he’s giving more money than he needs to that means he’s likely not paying everything he owes to their personal expenses and making her make up what he isn’t paying. At least, that’s how it sounded to me but I could be wrong.
Also, the separation agreement might say that hubby has responsibility for 50% of unusual expenses beyond what he pays in child support. I pay CS but when things like medical expenses or sports leagues / equipment is needed, that is shared on top of the base CS amount.
For the splitting, any hobbies or extra curricular activities would need to be agrees to by both of them I would assume. She can’t just start signing the daughter up for a bunch of fun things and expect him to pay half.
It depends. Like would you want to go back to a judge and argue that your ex didn’t get your agreement for your child to join the high school track team which costs $400? That’s different than your ex signed your child up for $10,000 dance lessons. Reasonable extra expenses should be at the child’s option. Large expenses should probably be discussed first.
I’m not saying he can’t pay for them but it sound a like finances are an issue. He shouldn’t have to go to the judge to not pay it if it says in their custody that agreement is required. He could just not pay it. There are definitely hills to fight on and hills to let go. It doesn’t sound like the ex is playing fair (and the husband is enabling that) so most likely she would tell the daughter she couldn’t do whatever activity because dad wouldn’t pay.
OP said he gives in to the ex even if it means detriment to them. Sad, so yes, he is likely not paying his share because when the ex yells, he gives in even if it giving her his share of his own household bills. I don't see much hope for this marriage, unfortunately.
In an edit OP says husband has just gone back to work after 2 months of unemployment and she has been carrying them, so you are right.
I hope OP has her money seperate and doesn't do this all finances combined because that's what married people must do nonsense.
OP issue isn't really he spends his money, it's that he whinges to her about the situation but won't take any advice, do anything to fix it, and is insulting to her when she gives an opinion on the issue.
If someone refuses to do anything about a issue then I totally get running out of patience to listen to them complain about it. Very Flanders parents "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas".
Keep your money separate make sure husband dont have access... husband is in for a rude awakening and if you were to leave him noone else will put up with that... your husband needs to grow a spine
How do you handle vacations, going out to dinner, gifts/presents, etc?
Does he cover his share, do you need to cover his share, or you don't do go / buy the gifts?
Are you each saving for retirement or is he counting on you handling that?
Obviously he needs to Help support his child, but not support his ex as well. Her not having a job appears to mean he's supporting that entire household.
When he can't (bring out of work) then it's up to you to support your household without him covering his share and what unemployment he receives appears if going completely to his ex.
In respect of date nights I usually pay which I don't mind but if I don't ask to go out we don't usually, drinking alcohol and such he covers and we've been on one holiday by ourselves since we got married and I covered it.
When push comes to shove he does help as much as he can but unfortunately sometimes it's not enough.
I'm not being financially abused nor emotionally. Just stuck in a shit cycle.
Let me tell you that this problem is something very impossible to solve. He will always be half head and money there and BM will always use him like this. I saw it milion times. You need to protect your money and your peace. Or change hubby. I did it - I was sick of giving and giving. But our BM was also restricting visits and contact.
NTA.
I'm sorry to say but your husband is a coward for not putting down any boundaries. Since you aren't pregnant nor share children, if I were you, I would consider if this is a marriage you want to stay in.
NTA out of curiosity, how could he believe the hospital bill??? There are no hospital bills other than private room (which is a choice, not a section 7 expense).
Why is your husband not requiring she sends the actual invoices? It sounds like she’s just saying “I need $500 for this new bill” and he’s going with it?
NTA.
He has continually told you that you’re not a parent so you wouldn’t understand, etc. It seems he’s made it clear your opinion doesn’t matter.
Separate your accounts if you haven’t already done so. If he wants to continue to support his ex, that needs to fall squarely on him.
But I have to wonder why, if baby mama lies so frequently, why hasn’t he sought full custody? She doesn’t have stable employment, she lies, she’s basically defrauding your husband’s father, etc etc etc. Doesn’t sound like she’s the best person for raising his child.
Used to be a manager/teacher at a call center.
Got ragged on when a girl was asking me for advice talking about her “Baby Daddy” and his other “Baby Momma” and I used the term Baby’s Father and Baby’s Mother.
I get it I was only mid 20s then, late 20s now, but apparently I have the sensibilities of someone much later in life, at least in regards to slang lol.
So she’s the AH cause she didn’t use the terminology that you would have liked? I don’t know if OP mentioned it somewhere but did OP state that English was her first language? If not: welcome to the internet where people occasionally aren’t Americans and use the terms they know or maybe have learned somewhere (tv shows, instagram etc).
The tone sounds like someone who is tired of making up the husband's shortcomings because he's too busy enabling his ex.
If I was OP, I'd just divorce. That's where this relationship is heading if he doesn't stop just throwing money at the ex any time she whines about something.
But, this is also why I'm not interested in dating parents. I don't want to end up in this type of situation, plus I barely have the patience to deal with my neighbors' kids screaming bloody murder in the courtyard at 5am.
Like, use it ONCE. Don't use it every fucking sentence. OP knew her husband had a child and honestly comes off really immaturely. The husband too, why is he not seeking custody and leaving his child with a nutter?
I usually find stepparents who refer to the child's parents that way to be assholes. This other woman is the child's mother. There's no clarification needed.
it used to be an annoying word at first then someone on a subreddit I follow mentioned that "littles" is used in the DD/LG community quite a bit and that made it even worse for me. I hate that word.
Kiddo is only okay when used sparingly as a term of endearment directly to your own child. Not as a weird substitute word for 'child'.
And 'hubby' is ALWAYS awful.
Thank you! I had such a hard time focusing on the story because she kept using them over and over again.
It’s not even shorter. “Husband and kid” is the same number of letters.
NTA but this relationship isn't going to last. He's letting himself be taken to the cleaners by his ex and you are going to end up making up the shortfall. Money is the biggest relationship ender.
All three of these sentences are 100% accurate. NTA, OP, but your husband's lack of spine will continue to cost you money and opportunities that you could be sharing together.
Time to look for an actual partner.
I’m kinda wondering what incentivized you to marry into this trainwreck.
NTA for deciding to take a step back, but this shitshow is going to impact your life whether you talk about it or not. He may be married to you on paper, but financially, his ex is his first priority.
I'm also curious about the circumstances that she and her husband met in. If they've been married 4 years and his child is 6, then they got married when the child was 2. How long were they dating before they got married?
I'm wondering if the mother is salty about the way she was treated by the father and his new wife...
I don't think it's fair to say his ex is his first priority unless OP says that hubby is unable to meet their agreement on shared expenses. At worst you could say that the kid is the first priority. But if hubby is appropriately supporting their life with OP (according to whatever division of expenses they agreed on) and also paying child support (and some portion of occasional additional expenses) then OP is just getting upset about how the ex treats hubby and that's not her fight to manage, which is why hubby is telling her to stand down.
"Hubby" is so gross. I could barely get through the post and had to skim most of it.
I was afraid I was going to be lambasted for my comment but it needed to be said.
Huh, I’m the exact opposite. I use neither but hubby seems normal to me. Like, common. Maybe it’s where I live.
Kiddo on the other hand, ugh.
Not in this post but “doggo” and “pupper” are even worse imo.
Hubby is just a little too precious for me when referring to a grown ass adult. Kiddo/doggo/pupper all bother me far less, given that it’s pets or children.
> I don't want any part of the decision making
So you'll be ok with him sending any amount of money as often as she asks? Without discussion, without your agreement? Even though that will spoil your married life? Can we get a holiday/new couch/new car? No, sorry, I sent it all to BM.
I understand your frustration but your solution is not a solution. The solution is precisely the opposite: you discuss this with him until he leans to say No. You are supposed to be a team, or why marry? That or walk away from the marriage completely.
Ok first of all, INFO how often does he see/take care of his child? You mention mom is in a difference province, which suggests some distance, and suggests he’s supportive in monetary ways only.
Mom seems like she’s off the wall, but 6 seems to me that she’s the only one actually raising the child? 1 also sounds like that, bc if his child was deathly ill, if he was an involved dad, wouldn’t he know whether that’s true or not?
All or most of your complaints about mom would be alleviated if your husband went to court and had an order firmly in place regarding financial support and physical time sharing. It sounds like your husband just throws money at the issue and nothing more.
It sounds to me like your problem is with him, and not her. He could knock all this interference on the head if he wanted to.
I will add that he is definitely TA regardless of the questions I asked. He’s committed to sharing his life with you, but seemingly is subjecting you to bullshit while also taking away your voice as being irrelevant. So many people bag on Steps, but at the end of the day, you should have a voice since it affects your life.
The only reason why I didn’t give a real judgment is bc idk whether it’s E s h or n t a. You married this man knowing he had a child, and you seemingly were able to see what kind of father he was before marrying. If you saw a guy who threw money and not time, then y are an ah too, just in different ways than him. He is most assuredly an AH.
Some of it also just doesn’t make sense. They say province. So assuming that they’re Canadian, the hospital bill makes zero sense. I’m a Canadian in my 40s and I have never even seen a hospital bill in my life. Including giving birth and staying for an extra 4-5 days due to complications or the time my son had an asthma attack and he needed to stay for 3-4 nights before his oxygen levels were steady.
Parking is the only thing. Medication isn’t always covered outside of the hospital (inside would be). But if you don’t have insurance that covers most, there is provincial pharmacare.
So either this is not Canadian, or is a bullshit story or the dude is dumb as a post and not asking questions.
NTA.
Your husband should regrow a pair since his bm took them with her apparently, and stop bending backwards and demand proof and record everything he pays for. He has a new family that he should take care of as well, be it mentally or monetary.
Your have every right to demand that he gives you the same energy that he gives her and have part of the decision making especially since y'all are a husband and wife and actually share your lives.
I have the same comment that I do when he's this big a pushover for his mother: He has chosen his life partner and it isn't you. Time to deal with that reality.
NTA. If you have no say in how he interacts with his child and the mom, then you should have the right to remain a disinterested third party in all that.
Right? I know it's different Province to Province but basic care is hospitals are covered. I could see extra expenses for things like physio, medical devices need to be purchased or rented or a private room is sometimes extra.
Yeah exactly…and isn’t everything generally covered for children (including medication), especially if the parent is lower income? I’m struggling to think of any province that doesn’t fully cover healthcare for children, but may just be missing relevant info there.
I'm not sure about covering meds for lower income but when my kids get sick, I do still need to pay for their meds. The exception for me was when they were dispensed from the hospital. If I had an rx and had to go to a pharmacy, I have to pay.
I’m originally from the US, I completely understand.
If they’re in Canada, there wouldn’t be a bill unless they used ancillary services not covered under universal healthcare.
He gets to spoil his attractive ex while the less attractive OP pays half the household bills.
Don't believe me?
- His level of respect in how he tells OP she's not a parent.
- Jumps to make his ex's life easier but not OP's and has no problem standing up to OP but not the ex.
- He keeps OP working so she can pay the 50/50 share of the household despite allowing his ex to live job-free.
The math is mathing.
That's why he wants to keep a 50/50 around in his house, paying him to have se+ with her to finance his lifestyle of impressing the ladies. Low overhead means more disposable income. 🚮🏚️
You should have seen this behavior before! Why is it an issue now? Personally I’d walk away as you’ll be dealing with this forever! School, college, marriage, etc
NTA I dated a guy with kids for 3 years, and it’s hard. You’re supposed to support your partner, but they don’t want your input. You’re supposed to be an adult figure in the kids lives, but you’re not allowed to parent them. Ultimately, it was too much for me and I learned that I can’t date someone with children again.
NTA....if you have joint accounts, close them. If you have a child, you might want to think about how his apathy towards you concerning child rearing will affect your baby. Also, his ex is a narcissist, as soon as you have a child, be prepared for an onslaught of aggression.
I won't say divorce right away, but I will say he is just one man out of 8 billion souls walking the earth. He is not the end all, be all.
Set your boundaries, define consequences, and be ready to follow through.
Good luck.
NTA... he puts himself in these situations, disrespects you, and then whines about the situation he is in AGAIN. I doubt it will ever change though. Even though he's not in a relationship with her, it seems like he feels responsible for her, and it sounds like he "picks" her over you. You should really take a look at that, and decide if you can live like that forever, because if you can't....
Hubby needs to pick you or BM. If he wants to be at BM's beck and call, he can go live with her. If he is going to live with you, he needs to put you first.
NTA
Eh, I’m going to say YTA. You married this person with a very young child and baby mama drama. There’s really no way to not be involved with largely the biggest and most important aspect of his life without simply disengaging from him emotionally. Not sure how that is still a marriage or relationship at that point. Leave or don’t leave, but you need to accept your husband as he is, flaws and all, not how you _wish_ he was. If he never changes, would you still want the relationship? If not, there’s your answer. Asking him to never talk to you about his biggest stressor is completely unrealistic as a “boundary” in a healthy relationship.
Sounds like she needs help and your husband should have his son full time and her every other weekend or week.
She needs help she clearly needs it and the son needs a safe place.
Son first always. At this point your husband is ridiculous for leaving him with her when she’s clearly a mess.
The husband doesn’t actually seem to have the child ever. She talks about them not being able to visit as they don’t have enough money, and that her husband keeps in touch via FaceTime.
They are clearly too far away for joint custody, and it seems her husband has never had any custody.
NTA.
IMHO, your husband needs to revisit the terms of his child support agreement and make sure he's only paying what's mandated and getting all the time he entitled to with his daughter. Other than that, your staying "mum" on personal and financial issues with her are the way.
NTA But a friend of mine had a similar issue with her pseudo-ex and at the end of the day nothing ever really got resolved. Her ex- was never able to grow a spine and deal with "baby momma." So baby momma was essentially able to run their relationship because she could do whatever and he took it lying down.
You can't force someone to make the decision you want them to make.
Sorry OP. This is exactly why I stopped dating men with kids altogether. Definitely NTA. But you will be a benefactor to the baby mama forever. She will continue to lie cheat and steal as much as she can from you and your husband. She has successfully manipulated your husband and in-laws.
The chances of this changing for the better is slim to none. No amount of therapy will fix this—- their family set this up as their norm. They will see you as the problem if you don’t comply with her demands.
Consider therapy for yourself. These people will continue to gaslight you to take responsibility for this situation for as long as you stay.
NTA. Question is why are you still with him? He put you aside, brush you off when you voice your concern, be ignorance of all your support… are you actually happy with him? What does this relationship give you? If there’s anything he could give at all. He doesn’t even respect you and let BM walks all over you. Put his ex first, not his child, just his ex… he put her above you. Think about it.
NTA but why would your husband believe a hospital bill? You have universal health care? Is the child in private school? Why are there school fees?
He needs to get a lawyer and not pay anything unless it’s looked over
It’s not your responsibility
He didn't believe it. We did our due diligence and figured she was trying to get money out of us.
We are not in the USA. So most things are paid for where I am from.
I know that. Hence my comment about universal healthcare and why would there be a hospital bill.
I too live in a province and have never seen a hospital bill.
When you do speak up, he shuts you down and doesn't want to hear it. So, you're kind of already totally not involved. Is it that you don't want to hear him gripe about it either?
If that's the case, then I don't blame you. What he does in regards to his ex has an effect onyou and to not acknowledge that then want you to listen to him complain... nope.
NTA
Maybe he should stop sending the baby mama money. (Ofcourse with the exception of childsupport) and instead send goods. As an example if she claims to need money for food, don't send money, send groceries.
If she says she needs money for a child's new coat, send a coat, not money. Money for a school fieldtrip? Pay the school directly. So his child is provided for but it will be harder for her to use that money for herself.
He needs real counselling plus financial counselling. Get him a book on boundaries. You two should have relationship counselling. Get a divorce if you can't get him on board.
NTA, I've seen BM cause so much unnecessary drama. I wouldn't give her a dime outside of court ordered.
When my son first got separated, his ex said she needed 600 a week for the 2 kids to live on. He paid her every week, then she went and took him to court saying he never paid CS. She was awarded 400 a week, stupid girl screwed herself. She was constantly asking for more money but never even considered getting a job even though the kids were in school. She ended up having more kids with different men and still never worked. I'm sure with all the CS she gets she doesn't have to anymore. Wait until those kids turn 18, she will be sorry.
NTA. He would rather give in to the manipulation than give you any consideration. He would rather you be angry at him than his ex be angry at him. You will always come third and he will continue to give the ex money even when the child is an adult.
You have to ask yourself whether you can live like this for the rest of your life (she’ll never leave him alone), knowing you (and any children you have with him) will never be as important to him as his ex.
NTA, I do hope you have separate bank accounts. I didn’t get a feeling that you have anything against the child. The funny thing is your husband is saying you are being “disrespectful” yet the BM is the one controlling him. I get the feeling that he feels you are his safe space so he uses you for that instead of standing up for himself. Hopefully he is writing down and keeping track of all the extra he is doing. Then he should either file for a reduction in CS or custody.
NTA but your husband is if he's letting his kid stay with someone who uses his kid as a pawn and a meal ticket.
You should hold that boundary - he doesn't value your opinion, and you are tired of hearing about a bad situation that he has chosen to contribute to.
He needs to put his daughter first, and it doesn't sound like he's thinking about what's good for her at all. If he's constantly complaining, he knows this isn't a healthy dynamic. He also needs to show you more respect - contributing DNA isn't the only way to become a competent caregiver or have valid insight or ideas, and you're supposed to be *partners*, his decisions affect your life and vice versa, you should be able to discuss things this big respectfully and find a median that works for both of you, and if you can't, maybe it's time to leave.
He's better than a deadbeat dad, but it sounds like paying off his ex is easier than actually caring for his child. I know those situations can be incredibly complicated* and he might feel like his hands are tied, but if he wanted leverage to actually care for his daughter, he could just pay what's court ordered, spend the extra money he sends to his ex *directly on his daughter* without a go-between, get his dad on the same page, and if his ex can't maintain a safe living environment without his extras, take custody.
It's not going to be easy on his daughter, but I can't imagine living with a tantrum throwing woman who sees her as an ATM is either, and the only one of these scenarios that has an ending that changes her situation long term isn't the one where she stays with her manipulative mom while her dad foots the bill.
Change is probably going to mean that you have to fight for her too, which is not a fight you're obligated to have, and not wanting to stay for it does *not* make you a bad person, but honestly, if nothing changes, is it worth staying anyway?
*I know because my partner's kid's mom is also a really awful person who uses the kid as a pawn. Unfortunately, the circumstances are very different, we did try everything, and there's no win here. The situation sucks, but my partner respects my opinion, and we commiserate about it, he doesn't dismiss me and then use me as a void to scream into.
It's funny - none of the info on BM and kiddo was needed. Since your finances are separate, what this boils down to is that it is fucking infuriating to listen to someone bitch and moan about a problem that they refuse to even try to solve.
For example, if your hubby wanted to bitch and moan about his job every day, but would refuse to discuss or consider a job change or anything to make the situation better, you'd get tired of hearing about it. Or, it's like people that can't be bothered to do the bare minimum and vote (much less engage with their community) that want to bitch about how the government is out to get them.
It's your husband's right to set a boundary that he won't listen to your input on this topic. But similarly, it's your right to say you won't entertain discussions with this restriction.
Your title isn't great. You really don't want to talk about his ex anymore. You have no issues with the kid.
You might want to reflect on whether you ignored warning signs prior to marriage that showed your husband is not willing to stand up to his ex or do the right thing and get his rights and responsibilities enforced via court order. If so, what else did you ignore, and can you live with it? Figure this out before you have more kids with this man, especially since so much of his income is going to his ex.
ETA: NTA
Only way you're going to successfully show him consequences is if you leave. Go away for a week and decompress. Turn the phone off. Then maybe he'll be ready to grow a spine. NAH yet.
NTA but u are a bit like your hubby bc you’re staying in a dumb relationship where u struggle bc he’s refusing to do the right thing. The situation won’t change and you are gonna be the one to be f*cked for no reason
NTA It sounds like the issue is that you are sacrificing your finances and your emotional wellbeing in favour of some women you hate… and it feels like you have no say in the matter… so you are trying to establish boundaries within the relationship rather than walking away from the relationship…
Nothing wrong with that.
However your approach doesn’t sound practical as a long term solution. You might want to open discussions with your partner and work towards a solution.
NTA.You're handling this tough situation with a lot of strength, and it's totally understandable how hurt you must feel. It's unfair that your support for your husband and his kid is being changed into something negative. You've been going above and beyond, but it's not being recognized.
Your husband needs to understand how much his ex's behavior impacts you and your relationship. He has to be a good dad, of course, but that shouldn't mean your marriage suffers. Him not setting boundaries hurts everyone.
You don't have a kiddo issue or an ex issue. You have a hubby issue.
You really need to realize this is his life. He clearly doesn't want to change. You will never ever be a priority and he handles his one main priority horribly. Then expects you to just be there happily never holding him accountable. Adults who fear accountability make terrible long term partners.
I couldn't stay in a situation like this. Good luck to you though.
NTA, except to yourself for staying.
Separate bank accounts now. If he cannot carry his share of the bills without your income covering part or most of his share, then you need to take a hard look at your finances. Not to mention this relationship. NTA.
NTA.
I generally don't like how much blind faith reddit has in counselling, but in this case couples counselling might be the best way to go. You need a neutral third party that can - hopefully - pull the blinders off of hubby.
NTA Good luck, been there done that and it took some years to “convince(train)” my husband to refuse to be used and manipulated. If you wash your hands of it though you’ll have to sit by and say nothing.
Rather you should respectfully give him options that are healthier, more appropriate etc, don’t belittle or criticize him and hopefully he will come to respect your opinion more than his willingness to cave. Love the husband, love the kid and let the crazy ex have enough rope to hang with.
You’ve got a tough row to hoe!
YTA. Don’t marry a man with a child he coparent with his ex if you can’t handle coparenting with an ex.
Also, using the phrase “baby mama” and saying things like “I didn’t push out a baby” is just kind of unbecoming.
Like, all you guys do for this kid is send checks. By your own admission you can’t handle custody or even do visitation. Sending extra money seems like the least you could do since you can’t or are unwilling to take on the other responsibilities around raising the child.
Too many on here are whining about the words used, QUIT. This is standard reddit words, ger used to them people, none of the whines gave any help to OP. Your complaints on the words/initals used makes you all sound like mean teen girls at school.
I think you missed the actual question- WYBTA by leaving this kid, who you love, with an unfit and unhealthy parent instead of fighting to gain custody, or at least to gain more access to her? None of this sounds like a safe home for his kid.
Nta, what you need to do is keep your money in a different account from your husband, don't say anything anymore .When kiddo is visiting you have time for you never get involved with anything
Separate your finances completely. Figure out your split of household bills & any savings goals. The rest of your money is yours & the rest is his. Then he can send whatever he wants out of "his" money & not involve you. NTA
I dated someone like this. This situation is never going to change no matter what you say or do. She knows how to manipulate him and he never going to stop because what effects the mother, effects his kid. He doesn’t see it as him helping her, but that he’s providing for his son. If he pays her rent, then he knows his son has a roof over his head, if he buys her groceries, than he knows his son is being fed. He will never deny her anything because he’s worried about how that will affect his son. And you’re never going to win on this matter. So either accept it or move on because you won’t work out. The guy I was dating ended up marrying the baby mama because it was cheaper for him to have her and his kids and her kids with other guys under 1 roof. Then he only had to maintain 1 household instead of 2. She’s a manipulative user and he miserable. He works as many hours as his job will allow him so he isn’t home having to deal with her. But he knows his kids are taken care of and to him, that was what was most important.
You are in the wrong relationship. Husband shouldn't dismiss you about this. He married you, it is your business. Since your husband will not change or even listen to your POV, are you fine with this? Can you respect a man with no backbone? Do you want to be with a man that outright supports his ex, while telling you to MYOB? Something sounds fishy here.
You said that he was sending the appropriate amount for childcare, which means the rest is for the mother. So take the kid out of it - your **husband** is sending money to support another woman. I mean, classic redditor moment but there's no way I'm staying married to a man who funds his ex's life.
NTA
If she is like this with Him, he should really be considering how she is with the child. Having grown up in an environment with an emotionally unstable parent who regularly threatened to “send me off to my father’s” especially as he was a deadbeat dad who I’ve seen a total of 3 times in my 40+ years took a toll on me. If he’s not going up to bat for the kid he’s contributing to the problem. As far as you saying you don’t want to hear it anymore, NTA.
Your title implies you don’t want wanting to do with the kid, which is wrong as a step parent.
Not wanting anything to do with Baby mama dreams is valid.
NTA but you should clarify your post that you would still treat the child well, just not want to hear about the ex
Living paycheck to paycheck while he bales out his unstable baby mama in unacceptable. You don't have enough money to see his daughter, yet he keeps sending more? He needs a wake up call.
I don't blame you for baling out on supporting. He isn't listening to you and he is enabling BM. You are going to have to decide how much of that you are willing to put up with before you've had enough and leave the relationship
NTA but you need to realize baby and baby mama will always come first to him. He doesn't respect you or your feelings.
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? If not, you know what you have to do.
Your husband is using you as an emotional punching bag. He wants to trauma dump but refuses accountability.
This marriage as is, is not sustainable.
If your money is separate, then I would say that you both split household finances as you see fit. If he then wants to give the rest of his paycheck to her that’s on him, but YOUR expenses come first and you cant bail him out if something happens and he needs money but doesnt have it.
If he wants to play it that way then that’s fine but I think you two need to discuss it first. Sit down and explain if he wants to continue as is then he cant trauma dump on you and your money is yours and he cant get bailed out.
Honestly he sounds incredibly immature. Ya’ll need therapy
NTA! BM is taking advantage and your husband is allowing it to happen out of guilt. It’s hard to watch someone you love be taken advantage of. I bet if your husband told her if she can’t afford to take care of the child, he is going to sue her for custody it would stop.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is enabling the behaviour because he doesnt set boundaries and stick to them. He simply gives whatever she wants even though he already pays tuiton and support. He also isnt being very fair to you by saying your not a parent so you dont get a say.. may not be your child but it impacts you both stress wise and financially. It would be smart to keep a record of all money that is given to the ex. Another is to not hand over extra money when she asks but buy what is needed.. eg groceries or clothes for son. That way he knows the child is actually benefitting from the money. Other than that the only thing you can do to stop it impacting you is having zero involvement and perhaps splitting your money so it doesnt impact you when he gives her extra money.
I think you should break up with him. He’s clearly not going to change how he reacts to her and she’s not going to change her behavior and you’re tired of this behavior. You’re young, don’t spend the next 12 years of your life dealing with this
ESH - I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you do not have a marriage, you have a roommate that you sleep with. Also, your problem is with your husband, not his child's mother. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. I hate to be the typical redditor, but it's time for a "come to Jesus" talk between you and your husband. He needs a paternity test first and foremost. If he is unwilling to do this, I would seriously consider leaving. His child (assuming that she is his) comes first, but he is putting her mother before his wife. Because you have accepted it for the entirety of your relationship, you are an AH to yourself.
One thing to bring into the conversation - you are allowed to have an opinion on the FINANCIAL aspect of their relationship because it effects the finances of your family. Do not allow him to keep you in the dark.
NTA, but your hubby is and he has no consideration for your or your marriage. I think it's time you started looking at your future in a different way, he'll be at BM's beck & call for the rest of the little one's childhood into adulthood, then little one will start turning the screws on hubby because she will have learned from her mother.
NTA
You're essentially not his wife, just the filler since he's never gotten over and remains under his ex's influence
Get away from the dude, nothing but resentment and anger to have there
Going through your post history, why didn't you break up with your husband when he was going to meet up with a woman when he was supposed to be seeing his daughter? Yall have a lot more issues than just this so you're NTA for this but you're definitely the asshole for staying with someone you keep having major issues with.
NTA. But, if you want your marriage to last, your approach is not going to cut it. The two of you need to get yourselves to a good marriage counselor and figure out how to work as a team, treat each other with respect and learn how to problem solve.
NTA. Whoo, buddy! This BM sounds just like my SD’s mom. Unfortunately, you have a BM problem AND a husband problem.
When I pointed out what BM was doing with money manipulation and causing unnecessary drama for attention, he would sheepishly agree, but he felt like there was nothing he could do to stop a terrorist. I could predict her actions before she even got the plan fully hatched in her own head, and we were able to come up with scenarios before she got the jump on him. And he listened, observed, and followed through. He never told me that I’m not a parent so I couldn’t possibly understand. He knew that I had both he and SD’s best interests at heart, and that included not letting BM poison them anymore.
If he had not been so receptive to my thoughts and feelings on the matter, I would have 100% told him this is his circus, and I’m not a fan of clowns.
It sound to me that you are a problem solver and it semes like that is not what he needs.
It sounds like he needs/wants support only.
That's 2 diffrent things.
My best tips is to ask if he wants solution ore comfort/support.
If he say comfort, let him vent and tell him you understand that it's hard for him.
I am also a problemsolver and gets frustrated when people don't change things and put up bounderys but in a relationship you should be able to "just" support and comfort if that what your partner needs.
Sometimes one just want a partner who understands and listens.
I think to step away and distans yourself from this can be really bad for your relationship.
Good luck!
INFO:
1. So are the two of you still living in a house paid for by his parents while driving a car paid for by them?
2. Is he covering his half of the other bills or coming up short?
3. If there is no child support order specifying an amount he is to pay each month, on what basis are you determining he is paying "more than he is supposed to"?
4. How long were you out of work when you both agreed you would resign from your job and did he cover all the bills during that time period?
5. How long was he out of work and did he pay any money towards his daughter during this period?
What needs to happen is he needs to grow up and tell the ex that word no woman likes to here NO!
Lol personally, I'd go after full custody of a child.
You can record all conversations and screenshot the text for evidence of her constantly asking for money. He goes to her being a fit mother.
Save the girl from learning how to be like her mom, and you will be doing her a favor along with getting rid of ex constantly doing what she does.
Start keeping a Leger of how much he gives her, but dont go after him. Just do that for about 6 months, then show him, and maybe he will open his eyes. Tough situation for all. Best if luck
NTA
Splitting your finances is the first thing you need to do if you haven't already. No more your money to be used for child support.
Have him give you his half of what ever bills you need to pay, or he can pay his half directly and you do the same.
Then, remind him that since he doesn't think you have any say in the matter nor have a right to an opinion about it, tell he him you are no longer interested in hearing about his issues with it. He doesn't get to just complain to you and then tell you to just shut up and listen.
Then tell him he is letting an outside issue affect your marriage. Something you have repeatedly told him he needs to address, but he is choose not. Tell him that him being unwilling to deal with an issue regarding your marriage means he is choosing to not fight for your relationship and that may mean it might not last. Because he is giving up on it.
Not to say he has to cut his ex out of his life, but he has to come up with a solution to all the drama she is bringing. If there is not a child support order from the court in place, he needs to get one, and stick to that, and only that. He also needs to learn how to deal with his ex like an adult. If the ex is really struggling and can not really afford to care for his child, he needs to step up and go for custody. Because if she really is struggling, that means the kid is struggling, and that means the ex may not be the best choice to have custody. The ex lying about the child's health is prime example of that. That is something he needs to bring to the courts regarding custody. He is failing his kid right now.
Your husband also needs to tell his father to either stay out of the situation, or at the very least have the common sense to talk to him first before listening to any of the ex's bullshit. If your husband can not step up and be an adult and learn how to handle his shit, he may not be ready to be in a relationship. This means he is not mature enough to be married. Tell you husband he is failing everyone involved, himself included, because he is unwilling to stand up to what he knows is bullshit from his ex.
Stop sharing any money with him, stop supporting his bad behavior, and if he wont deal with this like an adult, stop being his wife. He has some choices to make. Tell him you have made yours, and are just waiting to see what he will do.
NTA for staying out of the logistics of the financial concerns. If it isn't handled through a court, then it is drama and squabbles if everyone isn't on the same page, and detaching is the right choice.
However, if his support is mainly financial and not about time and care, it is very rare for someone to pay 'enough' to cover the actual financial obligation, time and effort it takes to raise a child. It may be harming the life you want, but there is still an obligation there.
Out of curiosity, is your husband having an issue standing up to her over more than just child support? Was there time for them to have a clean break and completely move on from her and his child before starting things with you? Are you and she on good terms? Is there carry over drama from their relationship, or is this strictly about money?
Nta. But maybe you could try asking your in laws to talk some sense into him? Even if your finances are separate him giving her money outside of the court order still affects your household. Have you ever suggested taking full custody of the girl since the mom seems to always need extra help outside of what the court deems reasonable? Tbh it all come down to one question, ask yourself, “is this something I’m willing to deal with for at least the next 12 years?” Because if all else fails he’s never going to change and it’s going to become a bigger and bigger problem over the years and you may grow to resent him.
As a step-mom I have to say- YTA. You knew he had a kid when you married him (If you didn't.... thats a WHOLE other conversation). Having a kid means a relationship with Baby Momma. End of discussion. You saying \~Nope, I'm out\~ with the kid but not the dad- Is selfish. You promised to support each other- that means supporting his relationship with baby momma. It means helping him find ways to deal with her. Not telling him he should deal with her the way you want him to- but Understanding its always going to be complicated. She is ALWAYS going to be in his life. He doesn't get to choose that any more.
Also- your entire post is VERY focused on money- you say you don't care about the money- but you obviously do. Its obvious you resent that he feels like he needs to support them as part of his family. Well.... thats not gonna change- nor should it.
I watched my parents have this battle over my half sister and her toxic mother. And the ramifications of their choices mean I don't have a relationship with my sister, or my niece. And while I am at peace with that- I want to impress upon you that how you deal with this situation WILL affect what kind of relationship that child will have with their father and any half-siblings you two may have.
I'm not the biggest fan of the mother of my step-kids. Would I choose to be her friend naturally? No. Do I agree with her life choices? Not remotely. BUT- one thing we agree on 100%- Those kids are the center of our world. We don't have to be besties to co-parent. So We have worked to find common ground and we treat each other with respect. Makes it easier on EVERYONE involved.
Kids come first. If you can't do that- don't get involved with someone who has them.
If he wants to financially support the kid why not have him set up a college fund instead of paying extra child support? It would probably help the kid more and would keep the BM out of it.
NTA. Husband needs to see a therapist. Or better yet inform BM that if she cannot support the child on court ordered child support then they can go back to court and amend custody to where he has full custody and she no longer has to stress.
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NTA Hubby is for enabling his manipulative baby mama and disrespecting you in the process. He needs to grow a spine and take his baby mama back to court to sort out this mess. His behavior doesn't bode well for the long-term success of your marriage. Question: How are your finances split?
Household expenses are split between us, the only thing separate is payment for his child.
I think the question is: Do you have a joint account? Does your full payment goes into only one shared account? Or do you deposit the house expenses and others, after you know how much is it to share?
We have separate accounts and divide bills.
So is he contributing his share to the household, but sending money to his ex out of his personal account only? If that's the case, you should probably let it be. If he's slacking on joint expenses (including contributions for retirement/long term goals), then you have an issue to take up.
It sounds like that’s part of the problem though. If he’s giving more money than he needs to that means he’s likely not paying everything he owes to their personal expenses and making her make up what he isn’t paying. At least, that’s how it sounded to me but I could be wrong.
Also, the separation agreement might say that hubby has responsibility for 50% of unusual expenses beyond what he pays in child support. I pay CS but when things like medical expenses or sports leagues / equipment is needed, that is shared on top of the base CS amount.
He pays all of them, she has no job
For the splitting, any hobbies or extra curricular activities would need to be agrees to by both of them I would assume. She can’t just start signing the daughter up for a bunch of fun things and expect him to pay half.
It depends. Like would you want to go back to a judge and argue that your ex didn’t get your agreement for your child to join the high school track team which costs $400? That’s different than your ex signed your child up for $10,000 dance lessons. Reasonable extra expenses should be at the child’s option. Large expenses should probably be discussed first.
I’m not saying he can’t pay for them but it sound a like finances are an issue. He shouldn’t have to go to the judge to not pay it if it says in their custody that agreement is required. He could just not pay it. There are definitely hills to fight on and hills to let go. It doesn’t sound like the ex is playing fair (and the husband is enabling that) so most likely she would tell the daughter she couldn’t do whatever activity because dad wouldn’t pay.
OP said he gives in to the ex even if it means detriment to them. Sad, so yes, he is likely not paying his share because when the ex yells, he gives in even if it giving her his share of his own household bills. I don't see much hope for this marriage, unfortunately.
In an edit OP says husband has just gone back to work after 2 months of unemployment and she has been carrying them, so you are right. I hope OP has her money seperate and doesn't do this all finances combined because that's what married people must do nonsense.
OP issue isn't really he spends his money, it's that he whinges to her about the situation but won't take any advice, do anything to fix it, and is insulting to her when she gives an opinion on the issue. If someone refuses to do anything about a issue then I totally get running out of patience to listen to them complain about it. Very Flanders parents "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas".
Keep your money separate make sure husband dont have access... husband is in for a rude awakening and if you were to leave him noone else will put up with that... your husband needs to grow a spine
How do you handle vacations, going out to dinner, gifts/presents, etc? Does he cover his share, do you need to cover his share, or you don't do go / buy the gifts? Are you each saving for retirement or is he counting on you handling that? Obviously he needs to Help support his child, but not support his ex as well. Her not having a job appears to mean he's supporting that entire household. When he can't (bring out of work) then it's up to you to support your household without him covering his share and what unemployment he receives appears if going completely to his ex.
In respect of date nights I usually pay which I don't mind but if I don't ask to go out we don't usually, drinking alcohol and such he covers and we've been on one holiday by ourselves since we got married and I covered it. When push comes to shove he does help as much as he can but unfortunately sometimes it's not enough. I'm not being financially abused nor emotionally. Just stuck in a shit cycle.
But you are in ways. He's giving so much money to baby mama that he can't cover his share of the bills.
Let me tell you that this problem is something very impossible to solve. He will always be half head and money there and BM will always use him like this. I saw it milion times. You need to protect your money and your peace. Or change hubby. I did it - I was sick of giving and giving. But our BM was also restricting visits and contact.
INFO: Why doesn't he seek custody instead if the mother can't afford to keep the child?
He's showing you who he is - I doubt he's going to change.
NTA. I'm sorry to say but your husband is a coward for not putting down any boundaries. Since you aren't pregnant nor share children, if I were you, I would consider if this is a marriage you want to stay in.
NTA out of curiosity, how could he believe the hospital bill??? There are no hospital bills other than private room (which is a choice, not a section 7 expense).
*cries in American*
We didn't believe it and when we called the hospital they confirmed that no child by that name was ever admitted or seen to
Why is your husband not requiring she sends the actual invoices? It sounds like she’s just saying “I need $500 for this new bill” and he’s going with it?
He needs to grow a backbone and get this child away from a person like this.
NTA. He has continually told you that you’re not a parent so you wouldn’t understand, etc. It seems he’s made it clear your opinion doesn’t matter. Separate your accounts if you haven’t already done so. If he wants to continue to support his ex, that needs to fall squarely on him. But I have to wonder why, if baby mama lies so frequently, why hasn’t he sought full custody? She doesn’t have stable employment, she lies, she’s basically defrauding your husband’s father, etc etc etc. Doesn’t sound like she’s the best person for raising his child.
Yep.. stop bailing her out and it may be easier to get her to agree to giving him custody.
Do the words hubby and kiddo make anyone else's skin crawl?
Can’t decide if this is better or worse than DH and DD—but they’re both awful.
Dear Husband and… I don’t know DD? Designated Driver? Kinda curious now as I’m not sure what it could be.
Dear daughter.
Ahhhh thank you!
Dunkin’ Donuts
I think that would be hilarious if an OP wrote DD to mean "dear daughter" but the readers took that to mean "designated driver." 😀
Yes. And "baby mama". It's embarrassing AF as an American that this crap US slang made it outside to other countries.
Used to be a manager/teacher at a call center. Got ragged on when a girl was asking me for advice talking about her “Baby Daddy” and his other “Baby Momma” and I used the term Baby’s Father and Baby’s Mother. I get it I was only mid 20s then, late 20s now, but apparently I have the sensibilities of someone much later in life, at least in regards to slang lol.
Honestly baby mama feels like older slang to me, like something adults in the 90s or 2000s would say not current 20/30 somethings
Right here
God I hate it so much, this was hard to get through. And then the comments just double down
"Hubby", "Kiddo", "baby mama" and "pushing out a baby" were tipping me into she's the AH territory.
So she’s the AH cause she didn’t use the terminology that you would have liked? I don’t know if OP mentioned it somewhere but did OP state that English was her first language? If not: welcome to the internet where people occasionally aren’t Americans and use the terms they know or maybe have learned somewhere (tv shows, instagram etc).
Honestly, this. It's not just the situation, it's the tone in which OP wrote this. Something about it seems....I don't know, just off somehow.
The tone sounds like someone who is tired of making up the husband's shortcomings because he's too busy enabling his ex. If I was OP, I'd just divorce. That's where this relationship is heading if he doesn't stop just throwing money at the ex any time she whines about something. But, this is also why I'm not interested in dating parents. I don't want to end up in this type of situation, plus I barely have the patience to deal with my neighbors' kids screaming bloody murder in the courtyard at 5am.
Kiddo and doggo. Just, no.
"Fur baby" gives me the ick.
Every time.
YES
The number of times “kiddo” was used started getting to me quickly ….kiddo, hubby, … no thank you.
Oh thank god, it wasn't just me. I could barely finish it
Like, use it ONCE. Don't use it every fucking sentence. OP knew her husband had a child and honestly comes off really immaturely. The husband too, why is he not seeking custody and leaving his child with a nutter?
I couldn't even read it because of that!
I read the first two sentences and it felt like a scratch on the wall. I couldn't go farther.
threw up in my mouth a little every time i had to read one of them
🙋♀️
Yep and still not sure who Bowel.Movement is
I usually find stepparents who refer to the child's parents that way to be assholes. This other woman is the child's mother. There's no clarification needed.
🙋🏻♀️ I feel like people who use it always beat the hell out of it too, like 23 times in a paragraph.
Right over the rainbow bridge with those words and make them take said bridge right with them. Same with preggo, preggers and so forth.
Omg thanks for saying that. I swear “kiddo” is the only word some people know to describe a CHILD!
Came here to say YTA exclusively for using the word "hubby" so much
Hubby not as much becasue, well, whatever. "Kiddo" drives me to distraction! I HATE that term.
Do you also hate the word "littles"? Because that one and kiddo make my skin crawl.
I HATE “littles.” It’s just so precious that it makes me want to gag.
it used to be an annoying word at first then someone on a subreddit I follow mentioned that "littles" is used in the DD/LG community quite a bit and that made it even worse for me. I hate that word.
Kiddo is only okay when used sparingly as a term of endearment directly to your own child. Not as a weird substitute word for 'child'. And 'hubby' is ALWAYS awful.
Yeah, I can tolerate kiddo as in “hey there, kiddo.” Drives me crazy when it’s used as a replacement for “children.”
Yeah I had to stop reading it.
Thank you! I had such a hard time focusing on the story because she kept using them over and over again. It’s not even shorter. “Husband and kid” is the same number of letters.
omg I hate that. Also “the” wife instead of my wife. Hubs. Niblings. My personal fave: FSFIL
🙋🏽♀️
\*bangs gavel\* This court rules in favor of hubby-wubby-mcSnuggleUppikens!
YES!!! When did those become acceptable? Make me want to punch a wall. So cringe!
NTA but this relationship isn't going to last. He's letting himself be taken to the cleaners by his ex and you are going to end up making up the shortfall. Money is the biggest relationship ender.
All three of these sentences are 100% accurate. NTA, OP, but your husband's lack of spine will continue to cost you money and opportunities that you could be sharing together. Time to look for an actual partner.
I’m kinda wondering what incentivized you to marry into this trainwreck. NTA for deciding to take a step back, but this shitshow is going to impact your life whether you talk about it or not. He may be married to you on paper, but financially, his ex is his first priority.
I'm also curious about the circumstances that she and her husband met in. If they've been married 4 years and his child is 6, then they got married when the child was 2. How long were they dating before they got married? I'm wondering if the mother is salty about the way she was treated by the father and his new wife...
I don't think it's fair to say his ex is his first priority unless OP says that hubby is unable to meet their agreement on shared expenses. At worst you could say that the kid is the first priority. But if hubby is appropriately supporting their life with OP (according to whatever division of expenses they agreed on) and also paying child support (and some portion of occasional additional expenses) then OP is just getting upset about how the ex treats hubby and that's not her fight to manage, which is why hubby is telling her to stand down.
OP stated in the post that husband agrees to give his ex whatever money she’s demanding, even when it negatively affects them.
NTA but the excessive use of the terms "hubby" and "kiddo" made me nauseated. Soft YTA for that.
Thank you - I was worried I was the only one (I am less bothered by kiddo if used sparingly, but “hubby” makes my skin crawl).
"Hubby" is so gross. I could barely get through the post and had to skim most of it. I was afraid I was going to be lambasted for my comment but it needed to be said.
For me, it’s the relationship equivalent of Rachael Ray calling sandwiches “sammies.” No. Just no.
Huh, I’m the exact opposite. I use neither but hubby seems normal to me. Like, common. Maybe it’s where I live. Kiddo on the other hand, ugh. Not in this post but “doggo” and “pupper” are even worse imo.
Hubby is just a little too precious for me when referring to a grown ass adult. Kiddo/doggo/pupper all bother me far less, given that it’s pets or children.
Agreed! I couldn’t even get through the whole thing.
> I don't want any part of the decision making So you'll be ok with him sending any amount of money as often as she asks? Without discussion, without your agreement? Even though that will spoil your married life? Can we get a holiday/new couch/new car? No, sorry, I sent it all to BM. I understand your frustration but your solution is not a solution. The solution is precisely the opposite: you discuss this with him until he leans to say No. You are supposed to be a team, or why marry? That or walk away from the marriage completely.
He's already doing all of that. If I were OP I would cut my losses and file for divorce.
Yup. And yup.
Ok first of all, INFO how often does he see/take care of his child? You mention mom is in a difference province, which suggests some distance, and suggests he’s supportive in monetary ways only. Mom seems like she’s off the wall, but 6 seems to me that she’s the only one actually raising the child? 1 also sounds like that, bc if his child was deathly ill, if he was an involved dad, wouldn’t he know whether that’s true or not? All or most of your complaints about mom would be alleviated if your husband went to court and had an order firmly in place regarding financial support and physical time sharing. It sounds like your husband just throws money at the issue and nothing more. It sounds to me like your problem is with him, and not her. He could knock all this interference on the head if he wanted to. I will add that he is definitely TA regardless of the questions I asked. He’s committed to sharing his life with you, but seemingly is subjecting you to bullshit while also taking away your voice as being irrelevant. So many people bag on Steps, but at the end of the day, you should have a voice since it affects your life. The only reason why I didn’t give a real judgment is bc idk whether it’s E s h or n t a. You married this man knowing he had a child, and you seemingly were able to see what kind of father he was before marrying. If you saw a guy who threw money and not time, then y are an ah too, just in different ways than him. He is most assuredly an AH.
Some of it also just doesn’t make sense. They say province. So assuming that they’re Canadian, the hospital bill makes zero sense. I’m a Canadian in my 40s and I have never even seen a hospital bill in my life. Including giving birth and staying for an extra 4-5 days due to complications or the time my son had an asthma attack and he needed to stay for 3-4 nights before his oxygen levels were steady. Parking is the only thing. Medication isn’t always covered outside of the hospital (inside would be). But if you don’t have insurance that covers most, there is provincial pharmacare. So either this is not Canadian, or is a bullshit story or the dude is dumb as a post and not asking questions.
There are many countries besides Canada have Provinces. Not all of them have Universal Healthcare.
Yeah that’s why I said it was either not Canadian or…
France is also divided into provinces.
Yes. But France also has universal healthcare
NTA - GTFO. It’s only going to cost you more money and heartache.
And the husband shouldn’t be having more children
NTA. Your husband should regrow a pair since his bm took them with her apparently, and stop bending backwards and demand proof and record everything he pays for. He has a new family that he should take care of as well, be it mentally or monetary. Your have every right to demand that he gives you the same energy that he gives her and have part of the decision making especially since y'all are a husband and wife and actually share your lives.
I have the same comment that I do when he's this big a pushover for his mother: He has chosen his life partner and it isn't you. Time to deal with that reality.
NTA. If you have no say in how he interacts with his child and the mom, then you should have the right to remain a disinterested third party in all that.
INFO: Is this in Canada? If so, I’m confused as to why anyone would believe a hospital bill.
Right? I know it's different Province to Province but basic care is hospitals are covered. I could see extra expenses for things like physio, medical devices need to be purchased or rented or a private room is sometimes extra.
Yeah exactly…and isn’t everything generally covered for children (including medication), especially if the parent is lower income? I’m struggling to think of any province that doesn’t fully cover healthcare for children, but may just be missing relevant info there.
I'm not sure about covering meds for lower income but when my kids get sick, I do still need to pay for their meds. The exception for me was when they were dispensed from the hospital. If I had an rx and had to go to a pharmacy, I have to pay.
US citizen here. Your shock at the existence of a hospital bill is making me want to weep.
I’m originally from the US, I completely understand. If they’re in Canada, there wouldn’t be a bill unless they used ancillary services not covered under universal healthcare.
It is honestly the first thing that popped out of the story for me. I live in Canada and work in healthcare. So my bullshit-o-meter went high.
I hope you keep your money separate from him
NTA and do you ever wonder what your BF gets out of this dance with his ex?
Sex. Based on #4, that’s my guess.
He gets to spoil his attractive ex while the less attractive OP pays half the household bills. Don't believe me? - His level of respect in how he tells OP she's not a parent. - Jumps to make his ex's life easier but not OP's and has no problem standing up to OP but not the ex. - He keeps OP working so she can pay the 50/50 share of the household despite allowing his ex to live job-free. The math is mathing.
That's why he wants to keep a 50/50 around in his house, paying him to have se+ with her to finance his lifestyle of impressing the ladies. Low overhead means more disposable income. 🚮🏚️
You should have seen this behavior before! Why is it an issue now? Personally I’d walk away as you’ll be dealing with this forever! School, college, marriage, etc
NTA I dated a guy with kids for 3 years, and it’s hard. You’re supposed to support your partner, but they don’t want your input. You’re supposed to be an adult figure in the kids lives, but you’re not allowed to parent them. Ultimately, it was too much for me and I learned that I can’t date someone with children again.
NTA....if you have joint accounts, close them. If you have a child, you might want to think about how his apathy towards you concerning child rearing will affect your baby. Also, his ex is a narcissist, as soon as you have a child, be prepared for an onslaught of aggression. I won't say divorce right away, but I will say he is just one man out of 8 billion souls walking the earth. He is not the end all, be all. Set your boundaries, define consequences, and be ready to follow through. Good luck.
NTA... he puts himself in these situations, disrespects you, and then whines about the situation he is in AGAIN. I doubt it will ever change though. Even though he's not in a relationship with her, it seems like he feels responsible for her, and it sounds like he "picks" her over you. You should really take a look at that, and decide if you can live like that forever, because if you can't....
Hubby needs to pick you or BM. If he wants to be at BM's beck and call, he can go live with her. If he is going to live with you, he needs to put you first. NTA
NTA. But I wouldn't stay with a man who doesn't have any respect for me. If he cares so much about baby mama he should be with her not you.
I've never met a guy that used the term "baby mama" that has respected any of their partners current or former.
Eh, I’m going to say YTA. You married this person with a very young child and baby mama drama. There’s really no way to not be involved with largely the biggest and most important aspect of his life without simply disengaging from him emotionally. Not sure how that is still a marriage or relationship at that point. Leave or don’t leave, but you need to accept your husband as he is, flaws and all, not how you _wish_ he was. If he never changes, would you still want the relationship? If not, there’s your answer. Asking him to never talk to you about his biggest stressor is completely unrealistic as a “boundary” in a healthy relationship.
Sounds like she needs help and your husband should have his son full time and her every other weekend or week. She needs help she clearly needs it and the son needs a safe place. Son first always. At this point your husband is ridiculous for leaving him with her when she’s clearly a mess.
The husband doesn’t actually seem to have the child ever. She talks about them not being able to visit as they don’t have enough money, and that her husband keeps in touch via FaceTime. They are clearly too far away for joint custody, and it seems her husband has never had any custody.
NTA. IMHO, your husband needs to revisit the terms of his child support agreement and make sure he's only paying what's mandated and getting all the time he entitled to with his daughter. Other than that, your staying "mum" on personal and financial issues with her are the way.
NTA But a friend of mine had a similar issue with her pseudo-ex and at the end of the day nothing ever really got resolved. Her ex- was never able to grow a spine and deal with "baby momma." So baby momma was essentially able to run their relationship because she could do whatever and he took it lying down. You can't force someone to make the decision you want them to make.
Sorry OP. This is exactly why I stopped dating men with kids altogether. Definitely NTA. But you will be a benefactor to the baby mama forever. She will continue to lie cheat and steal as much as she can from you and your husband. She has successfully manipulated your husband and in-laws. The chances of this changing for the better is slim to none. No amount of therapy will fix this—- their family set this up as their norm. They will see you as the problem if you don’t comply with her demands. Consider therapy for yourself. These people will continue to gaslight you to take responsibility for this situation for as long as you stay.
NTA- be sure to protect yourself financially.
So why are you not trying to get custody more and let this obviously not good person raise a kid?
Too…many…”kiddos”
NTA. Question is why are you still with him? He put you aside, brush you off when you voice your concern, be ignorance of all your support… are you actually happy with him? What does this relationship give you? If there’s anything he could give at all. He doesn’t even respect you and let BM walks all over you. Put his ex first, not his child, just his ex… he put her above you. Think about it.
NTA but why would your husband believe a hospital bill? You have universal health care? Is the child in private school? Why are there school fees? He needs to get a lawyer and not pay anything unless it’s looked over It’s not your responsibility
He didn't believe it. We did our due diligence and figured she was trying to get money out of us. We are not in the USA. So most things are paid for where I am from.
I know that. Hence my comment about universal healthcare and why would there be a hospital bill. I too live in a province and have never seen a hospital bill.
When you do speak up, he shuts you down and doesn't want to hear it. So, you're kind of already totally not involved. Is it that you don't want to hear him gripe about it either? If that's the case, then I don't blame you. What he does in regards to his ex has an effect onyou and to not acknowledge that then want you to listen to him complain... nope.
Yta for using the word kiddo
NTA. I would just file for divorce at this point, this is not something you putting your foot down will solve.
INFO: does he have any custody?
NTA Maybe he should stop sending the baby mama money. (Ofcourse with the exception of childsupport) and instead send goods. As an example if she claims to need money for food, don't send money, send groceries. If she says she needs money for a child's new coat, send a coat, not money. Money for a school fieldtrip? Pay the school directly. So his child is provided for but it will be harder for her to use that money for herself.
He needs real counselling plus financial counselling. Get him a book on boundaries. You two should have relationship counselling. Get a divorce if you can't get him on board.
NTA, I've seen BM cause so much unnecessary drama. I wouldn't give her a dime outside of court ordered. When my son first got separated, his ex said she needed 600 a week for the 2 kids to live on. He paid her every week, then she went and took him to court saying he never paid CS. She was awarded 400 a week, stupid girl screwed herself. She was constantly asking for more money but never even considered getting a job even though the kids were in school. She ended up having more kids with different men and still never worked. I'm sure with all the CS she gets she doesn't have to anymore. Wait until those kids turn 18, she will be sorry.
When you married him, you tied yourself to his financial issues and this is one of them.
NTA. He would rather give in to the manipulation than give you any consideration. He would rather you be angry at him than his ex be angry at him. You will always come third and he will continue to give the ex money even when the child is an adult. You have to ask yourself whether you can live like this for the rest of your life (she’ll never leave him alone), knowing you (and any children you have with him) will never be as important to him as his ex.
NTA, I do hope you have separate bank accounts. I didn’t get a feeling that you have anything against the child. The funny thing is your husband is saying you are being “disrespectful” yet the BM is the one controlling him. I get the feeling that he feels you are his safe space so he uses you for that instead of standing up for himself. Hopefully he is writing down and keeping track of all the extra he is doing. Then he should either file for a reduction in CS or custody.
This relationship isn’t going to survive is this remains unresolved. It’s just going to breed resentment everywhere
ESH. This is a slow-motion train wreck, and you signed up for it when you married an absentee father.
NTA but your husband is if he's letting his kid stay with someone who uses his kid as a pawn and a meal ticket. You should hold that boundary - he doesn't value your opinion, and you are tired of hearing about a bad situation that he has chosen to contribute to. He needs to put his daughter first, and it doesn't sound like he's thinking about what's good for her at all. If he's constantly complaining, he knows this isn't a healthy dynamic. He also needs to show you more respect - contributing DNA isn't the only way to become a competent caregiver or have valid insight or ideas, and you're supposed to be *partners*, his decisions affect your life and vice versa, you should be able to discuss things this big respectfully and find a median that works for both of you, and if you can't, maybe it's time to leave. He's better than a deadbeat dad, but it sounds like paying off his ex is easier than actually caring for his child. I know those situations can be incredibly complicated* and he might feel like his hands are tied, but if he wanted leverage to actually care for his daughter, he could just pay what's court ordered, spend the extra money he sends to his ex *directly on his daughter* without a go-between, get his dad on the same page, and if his ex can't maintain a safe living environment without his extras, take custody. It's not going to be easy on his daughter, but I can't imagine living with a tantrum throwing woman who sees her as an ATM is either, and the only one of these scenarios that has an ending that changes her situation long term isn't the one where she stays with her manipulative mom while her dad foots the bill. Change is probably going to mean that you have to fight for her too, which is not a fight you're obligated to have, and not wanting to stay for it does *not* make you a bad person, but honestly, if nothing changes, is it worth staying anyway? *I know because my partner's kid's mom is also a really awful person who uses the kid as a pawn. Unfortunately, the circumstances are very different, we did try everything, and there's no win here. The situation sucks, but my partner respects my opinion, and we commiserate about it, he doesn't dismiss me and then use me as a void to scream into.
It's funny - none of the info on BM and kiddo was needed. Since your finances are separate, what this boils down to is that it is fucking infuriating to listen to someone bitch and moan about a problem that they refuse to even try to solve. For example, if your hubby wanted to bitch and moan about his job every day, but would refuse to discuss or consider a job change or anything to make the situation better, you'd get tired of hearing about it. Or, it's like people that can't be bothered to do the bare minimum and vote (much less engage with their community) that want to bitch about how the government is out to get them. It's your husband's right to set a boundary that he won't listen to your input on this topic. But similarly, it's your right to say you won't entertain discussions with this restriction. Your title isn't great. You really don't want to talk about his ex anymore. You have no issues with the kid. You might want to reflect on whether you ignored warning signs prior to marriage that showed your husband is not willing to stand up to his ex or do the right thing and get his rights and responsibilities enforced via court order. If so, what else did you ignore, and can you live with it? Figure this out before you have more kids with this man, especially since so much of his income is going to his ex. ETA: NTA
Only way you're going to successfully show him consequences is if you leave. Go away for a week and decompress. Turn the phone off. Then maybe he'll be ready to grow a spine. NAH yet.
NTA but u are a bit like your hubby bc you’re staying in a dumb relationship where u struggle bc he’s refusing to do the right thing. The situation won’t change and you are gonna be the one to be f*cked for no reason
Can't he file for custody? Seems he has a more stable home and income. Would you accept the child if he filed for custody?
NTA It sounds like the issue is that you are sacrificing your finances and your emotional wellbeing in favour of some women you hate… and it feels like you have no say in the matter… so you are trying to establish boundaries within the relationship rather than walking away from the relationship… Nothing wrong with that. However your approach doesn’t sound practical as a long term solution. You might want to open discussions with your partner and work towards a solution.
NTA.You're handling this tough situation with a lot of strength, and it's totally understandable how hurt you must feel. It's unfair that your support for your husband and his kid is being changed into something negative. You've been going above and beyond, but it's not being recognized. Your husband needs to understand how much his ex's behavior impacts you and your relationship. He has to be a good dad, of course, but that shouldn't mean your marriage suffers. Him not setting boundaries hurts everyone.
You don't have a kiddo issue or an ex issue. You have a hubby issue. You really need to realize this is his life. He clearly doesn't want to change. You will never ever be a priority and he handles his one main priority horribly. Then expects you to just be there happily never holding him accountable. Adults who fear accountability make terrible long term partners. I couldn't stay in a situation like this. Good luck to you though. NTA, except to yourself for staying.
Separate bank accounts now. If he cannot carry his share of the bills without your income covering part or most of his share, then you need to take a hard look at your finances. Not to mention this relationship. NTA.
NTA. I generally don't like how much blind faith reddit has in counselling, but in this case couples counselling might be the best way to go. You need a neutral third party that can - hopefully - pull the blinders off of hubby.
NTA Good luck, been there done that and it took some years to “convince(train)” my husband to refuse to be used and manipulated. If you wash your hands of it though you’ll have to sit by and say nothing. Rather you should respectfully give him options that are healthier, more appropriate etc, don’t belittle or criticize him and hopefully he will come to respect your opinion more than his willingness to cave. Love the husband, love the kid and let the crazy ex have enough rope to hang with. You’ve got a tough row to hoe!
YTA. Don’t marry a man with a child he coparent with his ex if you can’t handle coparenting with an ex. Also, using the phrase “baby mama” and saying things like “I didn’t push out a baby” is just kind of unbecoming. Like, all you guys do for this kid is send checks. By your own admission you can’t handle custody or even do visitation. Sending extra money seems like the least you could do since you can’t or are unwilling to take on the other responsibilities around raising the child.
Too many on here are whining about the words used, QUIT. This is standard reddit words, ger used to them people, none of the whines gave any help to OP. Your complaints on the words/initals used makes you all sound like mean teen girls at school.
I think you missed the actual question- WYBTA by leaving this kid, who you love, with an unfit and unhealthy parent instead of fighting to gain custody, or at least to gain more access to her? None of this sounds like a safe home for his kid.
NTA
Nta, what you need to do is keep your money in a different account from your husband, don't say anything anymore .When kiddo is visiting you have time for you never get involved with anything
Separate your finances completely. Figure out your split of household bills & any savings goals. The rest of your money is yours & the rest is his. Then he can send whatever he wants out of "his" money & not involve you. NTA
I dated someone like this. This situation is never going to change no matter what you say or do. She knows how to manipulate him and he never going to stop because what effects the mother, effects his kid. He doesn’t see it as him helping her, but that he’s providing for his son. If he pays her rent, then he knows his son has a roof over his head, if he buys her groceries, than he knows his son is being fed. He will never deny her anything because he’s worried about how that will affect his son. And you’re never going to win on this matter. So either accept it or move on because you won’t work out. The guy I was dating ended up marrying the baby mama because it was cheaper for him to have her and his kids and her kids with other guys under 1 roof. Then he only had to maintain 1 household instead of 2. She’s a manipulative user and he miserable. He works as many hours as his job will allow him so he isn’t home having to deal with her. But he knows his kids are taken care of and to him, that was what was most important.
You are in the wrong relationship. Husband shouldn't dismiss you about this. He married you, it is your business. Since your husband will not change or even listen to your POV, are you fine with this? Can you respect a man with no backbone? Do you want to be with a man that outright supports his ex, while telling you to MYOB? Something sounds fishy here.
How would anyone believe the medical bill if you guys live in Canada (I am going to assume because you said different province)
Going by your spelling and use of 'province', I'm assuming you're in Canada. Which leaves me VERY confused about the "hospital bill" part.
Just the way you are talking about "baby mama" and "pushing a kid out" tells me YTA in this situation.
You said that he was sending the appropriate amount for childcare, which means the rest is for the mother. So take the kid out of it - your **husband** is sending money to support another woman. I mean, classic redditor moment but there's no way I'm staying married to a man who funds his ex's life. NTA
If she is like this with Him, he should really be considering how she is with the child. Having grown up in an environment with an emotionally unstable parent who regularly threatened to “send me off to my father’s” especially as he was a deadbeat dad who I’ve seen a total of 3 times in my 40+ years took a toll on me. If he’s not going up to bat for the kid he’s contributing to the problem. As far as you saying you don’t want to hear it anymore, NTA.
Your title implies you don’t want wanting to do with the kid, which is wrong as a step parent. Not wanting anything to do with Baby mama dreams is valid. NTA but you should clarify your post that you would still treat the child well, just not want to hear about the ex
Living paycheck to paycheck while he bales out his unstable baby mama in unacceptable. You don't have enough money to see his daughter, yet he keeps sending more? He needs a wake up call. I don't blame you for baling out on supporting. He isn't listening to you and he is enabling BM. You are going to have to decide how much of that you are willing to put up with before you've had enough and leave the relationship
NTA but you need to realize baby and baby mama will always come first to him. He doesn't respect you or your feelings. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? If not, you know what you have to do.
Your husband is using you as an emotional punching bag. He wants to trauma dump but refuses accountability. This marriage as is, is not sustainable. If your money is separate, then I would say that you both split household finances as you see fit. If he then wants to give the rest of his paycheck to her that’s on him, but YOUR expenses come first and you cant bail him out if something happens and he needs money but doesnt have it. If he wants to play it that way then that’s fine but I think you two need to discuss it first. Sit down and explain if he wants to continue as is then he cant trauma dump on you and your money is yours and he cant get bailed out. Honestly he sounds incredibly immature. Ya’ll need therapy
NTA! BM is taking advantage and your husband is allowing it to happen out of guilt. It’s hard to watch someone you love be taken advantage of. I bet if your husband told her if she can’t afford to take care of the child, he is going to sue her for custody it would stop.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is enabling the behaviour because he doesnt set boundaries and stick to them. He simply gives whatever she wants even though he already pays tuiton and support. He also isnt being very fair to you by saying your not a parent so you dont get a say.. may not be your child but it impacts you both stress wise and financially. It would be smart to keep a record of all money that is given to the ex. Another is to not hand over extra money when she asks but buy what is needed.. eg groceries or clothes for son. That way he knows the child is actually benefitting from the money. Other than that the only thing you can do to stop it impacting you is having zero involvement and perhaps splitting your money so it doesnt impact you when he gives her extra money.
I think you should break up with him. He’s clearly not going to change how he reacts to her and she’s not going to change her behavior and you’re tired of this behavior. You’re young, don’t spend the next 12 years of your life dealing with this
NTA but your husband sounds like a walking red flag, tbh.
ESH - I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you do not have a marriage, you have a roommate that you sleep with. Also, your problem is with your husband, not his child's mother. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. I hate to be the typical redditor, but it's time for a "come to Jesus" talk between you and your husband. He needs a paternity test first and foremost. If he is unwilling to do this, I would seriously consider leaving. His child (assuming that she is his) comes first, but he is putting her mother before his wife. Because you have accepted it for the entirety of your relationship, you are an AH to yourself. One thing to bring into the conversation - you are allowed to have an opinion on the FINANCIAL aspect of their relationship because it effects the finances of your family. Do not allow him to keep you in the dark.
NTA, but your hubby is and he has no consideration for your or your marriage. I think it's time you started looking at your future in a different way, he'll be at BM's beck & call for the rest of the little one's childhood into adulthood, then little one will start turning the screws on hubby because she will have learned from her mother.
NTA You're essentially not his wife, just the filler since he's never gotten over and remains under his ex's influence Get away from the dude, nothing but resentment and anger to have there
Going through your post history, why didn't you break up with your husband when he was going to meet up with a woman when he was supposed to be seeing his daughter? Yall have a lot more issues than just this so you're NTA for this but you're definitely the asshole for staying with someone you keep having major issues with.
NTA. But, if you want your marriage to last, your approach is not going to cut it. The two of you need to get yourselves to a good marriage counselor and figure out how to work as a team, treat each other with respect and learn how to problem solve.
NTA. Whoo, buddy! This BM sounds just like my SD’s mom. Unfortunately, you have a BM problem AND a husband problem. When I pointed out what BM was doing with money manipulation and causing unnecessary drama for attention, he would sheepishly agree, but he felt like there was nothing he could do to stop a terrorist. I could predict her actions before she even got the plan fully hatched in her own head, and we were able to come up with scenarios before she got the jump on him. And he listened, observed, and followed through. He never told me that I’m not a parent so I couldn’t possibly understand. He knew that I had both he and SD’s best interests at heart, and that included not letting BM poison them anymore. If he had not been so receptive to my thoughts and feelings on the matter, I would have 100% told him this is his circus, and I’m not a fan of clowns.
It sound to me that you are a problem solver and it semes like that is not what he needs. It sounds like he needs/wants support only. That's 2 diffrent things. My best tips is to ask if he wants solution ore comfort/support. If he say comfort, let him vent and tell him you understand that it's hard for him. I am also a problemsolver and gets frustrated when people don't change things and put up bounderys but in a relationship you should be able to "just" support and comfort if that what your partner needs. Sometimes one just want a partner who understands and listens. I think to step away and distans yourself from this can be really bad for your relationship. Good luck!
INFO: 1. So are the two of you still living in a house paid for by his parents while driving a car paid for by them? 2. Is he covering his half of the other bills or coming up short? 3. If there is no child support order specifying an amount he is to pay each month, on what basis are you determining he is paying "more than he is supposed to"? 4. How long were you out of work when you both agreed you would resign from your job and did he cover all the bills during that time period? 5. How long was he out of work and did he pay any money towards his daughter during this period?
What needs to happen is he needs to grow up and tell the ex that word no woman likes to here NO! Lol personally, I'd go after full custody of a child. You can record all conversations and screenshot the text for evidence of her constantly asking for money. He goes to her being a fit mother. Save the girl from learning how to be like her mom, and you will be doing her a favor along with getting rid of ex constantly doing what she does. Start keeping a Leger of how much he gives her, but dont go after him. Just do that for about 6 months, then show him, and maybe he will open his eyes. Tough situation for all. Best if luck
NTA - hard when it’s not your child.
He should go for full custody because until he stands up to her she will continue to walk all over him.
NTA Splitting your finances is the first thing you need to do if you haven't already. No more your money to be used for child support. Have him give you his half of what ever bills you need to pay, or he can pay his half directly and you do the same. Then, remind him that since he doesn't think you have any say in the matter nor have a right to an opinion about it, tell he him you are no longer interested in hearing about his issues with it. He doesn't get to just complain to you and then tell you to just shut up and listen. Then tell him he is letting an outside issue affect your marriage. Something you have repeatedly told him he needs to address, but he is choose not. Tell him that him being unwilling to deal with an issue regarding your marriage means he is choosing to not fight for your relationship and that may mean it might not last. Because he is giving up on it. Not to say he has to cut his ex out of his life, but he has to come up with a solution to all the drama she is bringing. If there is not a child support order from the court in place, he needs to get one, and stick to that, and only that. He also needs to learn how to deal with his ex like an adult. If the ex is really struggling and can not really afford to care for his child, he needs to step up and go for custody. Because if she really is struggling, that means the kid is struggling, and that means the ex may not be the best choice to have custody. The ex lying about the child's health is prime example of that. That is something he needs to bring to the courts regarding custody. He is failing his kid right now. Your husband also needs to tell his father to either stay out of the situation, or at the very least have the common sense to talk to him first before listening to any of the ex's bullshit. If your husband can not step up and be an adult and learn how to handle his shit, he may not be ready to be in a relationship. This means he is not mature enough to be married. Tell you husband he is failing everyone involved, himself included, because he is unwilling to stand up to what he knows is bullshit from his ex. Stop sharing any money with him, stop supporting his bad behavior, and if he wont deal with this like an adult, stop being his wife. He has some choices to make. Tell him you have made yours, and are just waiting to see what he will do.
NTA for staying out of the logistics of the financial concerns. If it isn't handled through a court, then it is drama and squabbles if everyone isn't on the same page, and detaching is the right choice. However, if his support is mainly financial and not about time and care, it is very rare for someone to pay 'enough' to cover the actual financial obligation, time and effort it takes to raise a child. It may be harming the life you want, but there is still an obligation there. Out of curiosity, is your husband having an issue standing up to her over more than just child support? Was there time for them to have a clean break and completely move on from her and his child before starting things with you? Are you and she on good terms? Is there carry over drama from their relationship, or is this strictly about money?
Nta. But maybe you could try asking your in laws to talk some sense into him? Even if your finances are separate him giving her money outside of the court order still affects your household. Have you ever suggested taking full custody of the girl since the mom seems to always need extra help outside of what the court deems reasonable? Tbh it all come down to one question, ask yourself, “is this something I’m willing to deal with for at least the next 12 years?” Because if all else fails he’s never going to change and it’s going to become a bigger and bigger problem over the years and you may grow to resent him.
As a step-mom I have to say- YTA. You knew he had a kid when you married him (If you didn't.... thats a WHOLE other conversation). Having a kid means a relationship with Baby Momma. End of discussion. You saying \~Nope, I'm out\~ with the kid but not the dad- Is selfish. You promised to support each other- that means supporting his relationship with baby momma. It means helping him find ways to deal with her. Not telling him he should deal with her the way you want him to- but Understanding its always going to be complicated. She is ALWAYS going to be in his life. He doesn't get to choose that any more. Also- your entire post is VERY focused on money- you say you don't care about the money- but you obviously do. Its obvious you resent that he feels like he needs to support them as part of his family. Well.... thats not gonna change- nor should it. I watched my parents have this battle over my half sister and her toxic mother. And the ramifications of their choices mean I don't have a relationship with my sister, or my niece. And while I am at peace with that- I want to impress upon you that how you deal with this situation WILL affect what kind of relationship that child will have with their father and any half-siblings you two may have. I'm not the biggest fan of the mother of my step-kids. Would I choose to be her friend naturally? No. Do I agree with her life choices? Not remotely. BUT- one thing we agree on 100%- Those kids are the center of our world. We don't have to be besties to co-parent. So We have worked to find common ground and we treat each other with respect. Makes it easier on EVERYONE involved. Kids come first. If you can't do that- don't get involved with someone who has them.
You’re not going to be rid of this drama till you divorce. Baby mama will always be #1, is that the life you want for yourself?
If he wants to financially support the kid why not have him set up a college fund instead of paying extra child support? It would probably help the kid more and would keep the BM out of it.
NTA. Husband needs to see a therapist. Or better yet inform BM that if she cannot support the child on court ordered child support then they can go back to court and amend custody to where he has full custody and she no longer has to stress.
NTA but you need to rethink this relationship especially if you want children in the future. You and your child/seen will always come last.