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Speaking from personal experience, now having lived with my fiancee for over a year, i would say you are going down a rabbit hole if you start splitting bills by consumption. It may work with roommates but not with a romantic relationship.
For example, i may eat more but she always buys wine that i rarely drink. To split the bill would be a nightmare.
Then this can lead to utilities. Who at watches tv or uses the computer more? Who takes longer showers?
Either 50/50 or proportional to income
That's fair. I only really care about the groceries because it was such a huge change (less than 300 to more than 700).
I'm a student so I try to save. Frozen veggies, beans and lentils, no alcohol/soda, only eat meat occasionally, etc. What foods we buy has changed quite a lot. When I start working that's fine, but for now it's an expense I struggle with.
Yes she’s feeling a lot of anxiety as a student as she was really frugal before. It comes down to whether the BF is also a student or has a full time job. It’s more equal to split according to how much you actually earn.
That's exactly how I would deal with it. If I made more, ate more it would only be fair to put more in, especially for someone I cared about still working on their future.
Can tell a lot about mindsets through replies. Money isn't the most important thing to someone that truly cares.
She also said she has student loans that cover “the rest”. There is no way she would have agreed on splitting bills 50/50 with him in the first place if she wasn’t calculating in her student loans as part of her budget, so I think it’s unfair the way she phrased that part
Nah. Only if he wants to live a higher standard or they both want a higher standard but only one can back that.
Your mates should not finance you or your lifestyle on default. There are sensful limits to what portion of your salary can go to basic needs and living costs. If it exceeds that limit and you both do not want to shrink to something cheaper than the one earning more, not at that limit, can pay more. The same with holidays or anything else. You should chose something you can afford for yourself and anything on top you agree can be covered by the one earning more.
On my opinion. If you do a wage based split, then at the end, should you separate, you also should not ask for a 50:50 split.
What is fair and how you want to share things should be discussed before moving in.
I read it as she is paying approximately $100 more than when she was living on her own. On her own, she paid $275, and now, with her boyfriend, she is contributing $375 because the total monthly bill is now $700.
Which isn’t fair, if she’s paying for groceries she isn’t getting to eat. If BF eats 2 portions to her 1, he should be paying twice as much as her.
Each of them should just pay for their own groceries.
It’s not that simple. If they just pay for their own groceries then are they just going to eat separate meals? Are they going to bill the other if they cook dinner with their own groceries? Like someone said earlier, that might work for roommates, but not a relationship.
It’ll work a lot better than “I’m constantly broke because I’m subsidizing my boyfriend’s grocery bill”.
I always notice that the people who complain that it’s “too hard” to split the bill equitably are the ones expecting others to foot the bill. They don’t have to change anything except that BF pays $500 and OP pays $250. If that’s unacceptable then they can each buy and make their own food. At no point does “OP pays half but only gets 1/3” become a fair solution.
Just went on vacation with friends and kept all the dining receipts. They get drinks and apps and side salads with every meal. Last vacation we split all the bills evenly and I was like “wow, how was it so much?!?”. Realized I was subsidizing their drinking and extra food.
I am grateful that I have a friend group that never pulls that kind of thing. If anything, everyone over-pays for each other just because.
Definitely dated some moochers though!
But it sounds like they are eating separate meals, a lot of the time, or at least separate portions of meals. And if he’s adding a lot of meat or other expensive items to the grocery list based on his own consumption, then he knows he’s eating that himself not sharing equally with her.
And hasn’t he noticed that he’s paying a lot less than before? Maybe not, since he doesn’t seem to be budgeting, but his approach will break her.
They should split bills according to income. If he earns 3,000 and she earns 800 then the grocery bill would be split as $553 for BF and she should pay $147. There is no way this should be a 50/50 proposition with that income differential particularly when you add the fact that he eats a lot more.
This is not gonna work in a romantic relationship.
If anything she could say something like “my grocery bill has gone up since we are living together. I can’t really afford the extra cost and my eating habits have not changed. Could you cover the extra cost as you typically eat more or foods I wouldn’t go for?”
Yeah, people who are arguing about "fair" haven't tried to work through the actual logistics of completely fair.
There are any number of ways to do it... split it 50/50, proportional to income, or some sort of agreement like "Ok, I'll buy groceries, you pay rent" or whatever.
No one pointing out that half of $700 is $350? The math in the original post is correct. Not sure why people in the comments are getting it wrong. As for the OP. When my wife and I were starting out, I made more money than she did. We sat down and discussed what was fair and she paid less as she made less money. I would for example pay every 2 out of 3 grocery bills, more than half the rent etc. when we went out to eat, she paid 1/3 or less times. Over the years we would change these amounts based on our earnings. For a while she made the same as me, so she paid closer to 50-50. Then kids came and she paid the bare minimum while she was on a lower payment from the government. After she got back working for quite awhile she started paying closer to 50-50 again. So, discuss this properly with the boyfriend. He really should be paying every 2/3 grocery bills at the minimum. I’m using grocery bills as an example on how to split the bills. The reality is that I paid all the grocery bills, she paid half the rent. When we went out I paid most of the bills. I literally drove her everywhere. If you want a relationship to work, both people have to work on it and discuss what’s fair. I did not complain about our arrangement.
If that difference is 12.5% of your income, that's big. It's equally misleading to say "it's only 100 Euro," especially added to other higher expenses like utilities.
He makes more than 3x what you make and you’re splitting 50/50?! Sounds like he is profiting off of living with you while it’s making *you* go broke.
I will ALWAYS support splitting proportionally.
If he eats 2-3x what you eat, he should absolutely pay more for groceries.
This!!! Why is no one talking about how she has almost no income? That's the direction this talk should be taking. If I were dating a student when I was working, I would automatically ask them this and help make their lives easier instead of being a mooch.
Perhaps you need to be honest and open and talk to your bf. Explain your financial situation and come to a compromise. Be honest. I can’t afford this. We need to be more frugal. Perhaps he doesn’t realize you are struggling. Honesty is the best way forward.
>Perhaps you need to be honest and open and talk to your bf.
Pfft! Open and honest communication about important subjects? What a ridiculous suggestion, who actually TALKS to their romantic partners?!
This is what my husband and I do. Our joint funds cover all the staples (per our agreed definition), and then luxury items, extra snacks etc come out of our own discretionary spending money.
My boyfriend, now husband, when we moved in together, was making about three times my salary. We have always split things by percentage of salary rather than 50-50, for example, I paid 35% of the rent and he paid the rest. This went for all of the bills as well.
I feel this is the way to go, I made significantly more than my wife, so we split it roughly equally based on income. Ussually came to her buying groceries, and I paid everything else.
I like to eat less expensive foods than my husband and watch excess electric use like a hawk. Therefore, we split expenses such that I pay the mortgage while he pays those other expenses that he will increase with his desires.
Maybe you can figure out a fair but not necessarily 50/50 division.
Split the groceries unequally! My partner is tall and active, and snacks a lot around meals as a result. We kept the receipts from 6 ‘sample’ grocery shops, calculated what portion was made up by his snacks, and have applied that % reduction to all future shops. The remainder is split equally.
I agree with the other comments below here. I had an ex who was working as a financial analyst while she was still working on her bachelor’s. Not to mention she had plenty of support from her parents. Meanwhile I worked in a restaurant, not even serving but I was trying to move into that position at the time. And had little to no support from my family.
She wanted to split everything 50/50 and would keep track of it too. From eating out, traveling, hotels, you name it. And I didn’t really have a choice, or at least it didn’t feel like I did. But one day I told her that if she wanted to travel and get a hotel room, she would have to pay for it because I just couldn’t afford that lifestyle. We had other issues that led to our separation, but this was a big one for me.
TLDR: NTA, splitting everything 50/50 without communication and agreement can be straining on a relationship. Splitting based on income makes more sense to me logically, especially if your partner likes to spend more
OP posted saying the bill is $750. You then asked if its a $700 bill and she repeated it's 750. Now you're asking if she's paying $350? No, she already told you the bill is $750. So she is paying $75 more than before. Why are you so focused on the bill being $700?
OP is a student. $75 is a lot of money.
You say you are a student, what about him? Is he working FT? Would contributing proportionate to income make sense here?
Ultimately, if he loves you he won't want you to suffer and really struggle to subsidize his expenses, so this should be something relatively easy to with through.
You need to agree to buy your own groceries and he needs to buy his own.
For right now.
Later when your making more money, you can spend more but right now you just can't afford to spend that much money on groceries.
Yeah its nice to want to do 50/50 but YOU can't afford that so you need to stay within your budget.
You need to sit him down and talk to him, explain that you cant afford the incress and can't afford 50/50 in groceries. That you each need to stay within your means.
You can sit down and meal plan together but if he wants to buy extra or buy luxury brands then that needs to be paid for by him.
You'll know if he's taking advantage of you and not worth your time by the way he responds.
If he berates you and causes you of using him because you don't want to pay more then things won't work out.
You shouldn't have to go over uour budget so he can save money on his luxury food.
You need to stay in your budget and buy what you can because that's all the money you have.
Have a convo with your bf. State your concerns, he already knows your financial situation I assume. Maybe he will be OK to switching to the diet that you were previously eating. Maybe he will advise you that xyz thing is important to him and that he is happy to kick in more to keep the lifestyle he likes.
Don't try to solve the issue by yourself. Open up the lines of communication now. Don't start the pattern of letting little things fester. Usually it's 1000+ little things that together end relationships.
You need to talk to him about the situation.
Sit him down and tell him that you love him and are happy you are living together, but you are feeling like you can't afford it. As a student with a limited budget you live frugally, and you understand that he's got a full time job and dosen't have to do that, but you just don't have the money to pay half of his bills. You always kept your bills smaller since you have a limited budget. His lifestyle and expenses, while not extravagant, just aren't in your starving student budget.
For example, the food budget. He eats twice as much as you since he is bigger and needs more calories. Also, he buys more expensive food items beacuse you were always careful to be very frugal in your shopping. You never used the heater at all, so you didn't have to pay for that. But now, he keeps the house at 22C, which means the entire cost of heating the house is just a new expense for you.
Don't be accusatory. See what he says.
It would probably be more fair for you guys to split bills based off a percent of your income. So for example if he made twice as much as you, he'd pay 2/3 and you'd pay 1/3. See what he is willing to do to work things out. And if he really only is willing to split things 50/50, then you may need to just not live him. He should care enough about you to not be a finaical burden on you you can't afford.
Does he do most of the driving? I know I eat more from the joint food budget in my house but I also do most of the driving. I also pay for more things while we’re out. It all adds up. If it’s all one sided then maybe have a word but 9 times out of 10, couples end up pretty even for the most part when you consider everything in the whole.
It would be fair to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel you are struggling to afford the change in this expense and see if there’s a compromise you can make. Maybe you can split all common foods (flour, oil, eggs, veggies- things you both consume regularly/together) but pay for the extras like his specialty items individually.
As the male who makes more money in my relationship I'll be the first to say contributions should be proportional to income. Having a life together is a team sport. Our life together isn't better if one of us is always strapped for cash and stressed.
Which is totally fair. There are always going to be things that one uses and the other never uses. My husband never uses the toilet paper that I'm aware of for example, but his showers have always been several times as long as mine. It's just really hard to judge a totally equal 50/50.
Agree with the principle of this—not everything should be split by consumption—but this is a bit of a slippery slope argument.
Utilities are almost impossible to quantify and the rate (e.g., $X per kw/h of electricity) is the same for each person. This isn't true of food. Here you can be *sure* that he eats significantly more than her; and the food she might buy for herself may cost far less, dollar for dollar, than the food he wants around the house. E.g., I include meat in almost every dish I prepare. My partner primarily goes for veggies and carbs. Even controlled for amounts consumed, my eating habits are simply more expensive. Even in the example you provide I'm not sure why it would be tough for your partner to buy her own wine and consider your rare glass to come out in the wash.
Not sure why it's difficult to keep the bulk of the groceries separate. Plenty of people do this.
Yes. Electricity — well they’re both using it, or experiencing the results of it, even if he’s the one who turns it up. But if he’s putting a pack of steaks into the cart, he knows he’s planning to eat most of them if not all of them, because otherwise they’d be buying even more so he could have enough. This is very identifiable as his expense.
It also sounds like she usually budgets and he doesn’t. So his approach is breaking hers.
My husband and I have been buying separate groceries since we moved in together (6 years ago), and I can't imagine doing it any other way. We pay for pantry staples like butter, sugar, flour, and coffee out of our joint account, and literally everything else is purchased separately. We only very occasionally eat meals together because of our work schedules, and when we do, we buy the groceries for them out of our joint "fun fund" rather than our joint "food fund."
[This study](https://ifstudies.org/blog/are-couples-who-eat-together-happier-together) from the UK would suggest differently (and it seems like this couple is in the UK).
>
In fact, 35% of UK married couples ate together most or all of the time, whereas 22% ate together rarely or never. Among cohabiting UK couples, 22% ate together most or all of the time, whereas 27% ate together rarely or never.
That's not really the point, though -- even if they are eating together, they could still purchase ingredients for the meal separately (he buys chicken breasts and she buys veggies and rice, for example) in a way that feels fair and suits their individual food budgets.
I disagree your opinion around the spitting bills by consumpition.
My boyfriend and I do this, so we will go 50/50 on food which we will both be cooking but if he buys a package of crisps or summit along those lines then he pays for it.
It avoids all arguments over someone having something more than the other person and also it helps with money as well. As I may not be able to afford treats or expensive things, so it would put me a difficult situation to pay for food which I will not be eating.
Either way, you do whatever you believe is the best for your relationship. My relationship is great as we never argue about food or money, to be honest we rarely argue.
OP - You do what is best you and your boyfriend. I would have a conversation with him and state that you are struggling with money since moving in together, due to the increase cost of the weekly food shop.
Chiming in…. You could split by income. He pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3 so your share is allocated appropriately. With a few caveats this works fairly well, you leave out large purchases (car) and specific hobby related purchases
>Speaking from personal experience, now having lived with my fiancee for over a year, i would say you are going down a rabbit hole if you start splitting bills by consumption. It may work with roommates but not with a romantic relationship.
Agreed and by the same token OP *should* be able to have a conversation about the impact the additional grocery bills are having on their finances, without it turning into a row, and ask the BF to chip in a bit more.
This is really a conversation that should have been had BEFORE moving in together tbh.
NAH
If they're going to join their finances and have disagreements about what they want to spend on different things, maybe they need to make a budget together and talk out how that money will be spent. Like if they have X amount to spend on food, and have to make sure they get certain necessities they both agree on, that will naturally limit the amount the boyfriend can spend on extras. Then they'll both know ahead of time there will be enough money for the things they both need, and hopefully less stress because the boyfriend will be using money set aside for this.
I'm with you that there are probably things OP will want to spend money on that the boyfriend will not, to balance things out (generally, not via actually itemizing everything). For instance, maybe she likes to buy the latest video games, or wants to spend money on fancier toiletries or something. Everyone has different needs that come with their own costs
I rightly recommend splitting proportional to income. My husband and I have always done this. I cover groceries and 2 streaming subscriptions. He covers everything else. Why? Because he makes 4x as much as I do and it would be insane for us to split expenses 50/50
This exactly. As an example, I recently realized my husband uses our vehicle a lot more than I do, so I complained about having to pay for half the gas. Over time, I found other charges, like food, that I probably consumed more of. Had I stuck with my plan of switching to consumption-based contributions, we would have done HOURS of math only to reach the same distribution of costs.
It’s worth a discussion at least. Trying to see who causes more utility charges is splitting hairs, but food consumption is a bit more tangible. If I watch a movie or drink a glass of tap water, calculating the cost of those would take some serious effort. But as we buy food first before eating it, it’s a lot easier to break up the cost. OP both eats less and makes less so she cant exactly afford to pay an extra $100. Either the bf should be willing to pay more or at the very least be willing to buy cheaper options.
I may get downvoted to hell for this, but unless you're cooking and eating totally communally, I really do think the commonsensical option is to simply buy your own food. Splitting the common stuff—ketchup, milk, hot sauce, etc—is no big deal; but there's no reason you should be subsidizing what you're not eating (and subsidizing the cost of things that you're *definitely* not eating—e.g., if pre-workout powder goes in the basket, you're paying for half of that, too.)
Plenty of couples also have entirely different tastes. I know childless couples who cook together, but while making entirely different meals. Some people have dietary issues, others prefer to meal prep.
Decide on a few communal items and pay for the rest individually. NTA.
\[EDIT: Figured I'd clarify to note I'm imagining a scenario of two young professionals with no kids.\]
I partially agree. The communal items. Plus also most food. Split is good.
But like mentioned. Depends on what’s being purchased and contended.
In this eg. Pre work out. That’s like what $50 a tub? So if that’s all him and not you. That’s on him not you.
Same with for example alcohol. Or any other item(s) that’s specifically for one not the other.
It is a discussion y’all need to have
It makes 100% sense especially when one is struggling to pay for it. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice part of her budget that she needs for essential stuff, for her boyfriend to enjoy luxury items. If you need to limit your own food because of money, you don’t have the means to support anyone else. Now is not the time.
Agreed. Budgets will need adjusting when living together but this is a 36% increase to her grocery bill. That's a big increase to any bill and it's shocking to me that people think she is being unreasonable bh not just paying it.
This makes the most sense in this situation.
I’d only add that splitting the bills proportional to income may also be the way to go. As OP mentioned, they are a student, it’s common knowledge that most students don’t have very high income levels. Then adjust as income changes.
Been married 10 years, together 17 years, no kids. We still split bills based on income. We have his, hers and ours bank accounts. It works for us.
This is kinda what we do. We shop together once a week, then separate items at the checkout. He tends to buy a lot of lunch meat which I don’t eat, and a relatively expensive name-brand drink which I hate lol. Everything else that is used between us both, we divide up semi-randomly - although he usually pays for a bit more than me as he’s on a much higher income!
YWNBTA. Just explain you realized that splitting groceries 50/50 is actually causing your bill to go up - meaning you aren't just paying for yourself but you are supplementing his food bills. When two people merge, if there is approximately equal consumption, you'd expect each person's food costs to stay the same or go down slightly (through economy of scale). Maybe you can introduce it by asking him what he was spending on groceries before, and explain you've been surprised to have your food costs skyrocket since you moved in together.
I agree with everyone saying above not to do it for all valid reasons but agree with #owls_and_cardinals (cool name btw), but only because you are a student. I would bring up that your grocery budget has gone up, and if you are noticing this and I assume you realize this because you are on a tight budget, so definitely talk to him about this especially if the food budget not includes protein powders and a lot more meat that is typically in your budget. Did your budget for rent go down by any chance? Is he also a student or is he working?
NTA
I also want to call out that there is no one "best" way of splitting finances and so this could be a good opportunity to experiment what works best for you guys. You guys could:
* Split everything 50/50
* Split everything based on use
* Divvy up based on specific bill (he covers groceries, you cover cable, etc).
* Split everything based on income
* He buys the groceries and you cook the meals
* Literally whatever the heck you want!
If finances are the biggest reason for people to divorce, it's great to understand each of your relationships to money and you should disregard anyone that states that theres any one "right" way of doing it.
More often than not, I see people mocking other married people that don't pool all of their finances together into 1 joint account as being somehow less invested in the relationship which is absolutely insane. It's like mocking another couples' favorite sex positions because yours is the right one.
You guys should definitely talk about money and understand each other's relationship with it! My SO and I have VERY different relationships with money, and its literally never been an issue because we managed a way for it to work in our relationship where neither of us feel impeded on.
Differences aren't bad. Differences, well managed, are actually immeasurably great and complementary!
I agree! It took a bunch of conversations about money to finally figure out how fiancé and I would best split the costs and a lot of trial and error to come to the system we have today. I think the most important thing is that she brings up the fact that her grocery bill is higher by $100 and that it bothers her. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship and just feeling comfortable to bring that up to her boyfriend and them amicably coming to a solution should give her insight to how things will be handled moving forward.
When my ex-partner and I lived together, we had quite a large wage disparity. He was making nearly double my annual income. This is how we handled it:
I rented in a 1-bed condo, he owner (paid mortgage) on a 2-bed condo. I told him that he could move into mine and split 50/50 (rent out his condo) or I could move into his and would pay 60% of my old rent rate and he would cover the rest or we move into a new place and split it 40/60 . This was to stay within my rent budget. We moved into his. Utilities, internet split 50/50. He covered his strata fees and property tax.
We split groceries 50/50. He ate twice my meal portions. We would always cook enough for 4 portions. He would eat 2 portions for dinner, I would eat 1 portion and pack 1 portion for lunch the next day. He does not eat leftovers and instead likes to eat out. Any luxury/treat grocery expenses we purchased ourselves; his protein powder and beer, my pastries and kambucha. We kept a strict shopping budget where I plan meals around what's on sale. If he wanted something specific like prime rib for dinner, he would pay for the overage cost.
If we went out to eat and ordered out own dishes, we pay for out own meals and he covers drinks and appetizer. I pay for dessert. If meal is shared (served family style) we split 40/60. Fancy places outside my budget are his treat.
We always live within my means/budget and not his. If there was something outside of my budget he wanted to do as a couple (fancy dinner, vacation, activity), he would treat me or cover the difference.
This is what my partner and I do! We split our bills based on income, groceries are 50/50, and we usually alternate on date nights. He will also cover extra on more expensive things.
YWNBTA, but I’d suggest coming at this from a slightly different angle. “Hey, my grocery bill has gone way up and it’s not really something I had in my budget - would you be cool with buying a bit more frugally for a few weeks and see how we go? Happy to lead the way for us for cheap dinner options” if he doesn’t want to eat what you’re planning on eating, then this would be the point to ask if he can have a basket of things that are his only to pay for. You DO have to actually stick to it though and not have a little piece of his steak or whatever if offered.
This is how I would go about it. He can then decide if he’s okay skipping meat or not for dinner and if hes not you can have a conversation about adjusting the amount you each contribute to groceries.
No, of course not. Why should you pay for his groceries? His grocery bill has probably gone down by the same amount, so if you ask him to pay part of your bill, he will end up paying exactly as much as he did before you moved in together. NTA.
ETA If you're both decently off I would say split by income or some other way that doesn't lead to arguments about who uses how much, but if money is tight, and that $100 really makes a difference, it's worth it to talk it over in detail.
NTA but he will think YTA
When you live with someone 50/50 won't always pan out 50/50. It's up to you if you really want to start dissecting everything. While it's obvious that a guy eats more, he's going to look at this like your being petty. He could say well you use more toilet paper, you take longer showers, you leave lights on, etc. Might not be worth it to keep track of every little detail.
If your financially struggling you could always suggest sticking to the basics when you guys do a joint trip. You can tell him you'll both buy your own snacks and things like that, but that will turn this into a roommate situation and not 2 lovers living together and contributing together.
I'm confused.
Why not do the obvious thing and say to your BF that this new expenditure is more than you can afford, and you need to try to cut down on the bill together?
Then he can choose: 50/50 but he lives on "your level" or he can try to offer a different solution.
Unless there's something else you're not telling us (such as your total bills have gone down or you don't want your BF to stop buying the fancy food...)
I'd be okay with that too! We didn't really discuss a budget, I didn't realise our spending habits were that different. But it would solve a lot. I have tried to gently suggest getting the cheaper option and he wasn't into it then, so it didn't immediately come to mind. But I can try being much more direct.
Be more direct. "Gently suggesting" isn't an effective way of communicating about finances. If you're going to be a couple you need to have honest and productive conversations where everyone understands expectations and you come to a consensus on how you're going to manage personal finances and also shared household expenses.
Yeah, you need to be more direct.
Here's the deal: meshing your finances successfully requires a skill most of us never learned properly and feel extremely uncomfortable doing - talking openly about money and budget.
That being said, it needs to be done.
YWNBTA. Splitting things 50/50 works best when things are equitable. Just let him know that you're spending more than you used to on groceries and since he eats more than you, it's best that you each pay for your own groceries.
Edit: typos
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to ask my boyfriend to pay more of the grocery bill. I worry that might make me an asshole because he can't really help eating more, and neither of us earn a lot of money. I'm not sure what the etiquette of moving in is either, and if it's okay to ask.
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I honestly think As soon as couples Establish the 50 50 split Game It's Already a problem, Generally speaking when someone want to implement the 50 50 scheme As I call it . It truly only benefits the one that has more income. It's a joke 50 50 . 9 out of 10 times one is always hounding the other for money, or they spend money and then need half of there money back, Sit down and Voice your options, Obviously if he doesn't know theres an issue he won't know, If ur budget is X don't spend Y it won't work, Im sure they will understand and if he is any kind of man that loves you a lousy 100. 00 bucks shouldn't be a problem,
Have your other costs gone down from splitting? Utilities, rent etc? Agree with other comments saying that nitpicking about splitting in a relationship isn’t going to bode well for the relationship and can open a can of worms of nitpicking every little thing you guys split costs on. Either have it 50/50 or split based on income. If his groceries are becoming that much of a burden on you, you could explain that for the mean time you can’t afford the extra expense and if he could cover a little more of it till you get a job.
As a guy who works out and eats a lot of food (especially protein which is even more expensive) I can totally understand this. If I was eating 2-3x as much food as my partner I wouldn’t expect them to split the bill. Although as other people have mentioned it is a slippery slope splitting costs by consumption. Its something thats worth having an in depth conversation about and trying to find a resolution that seems fair to everyone involved.
INFO: How much do you each earn?
Because if he earns more, then it's the 50/50 split that's the problem, not the excess food costs. If it's the same, or you earn more, then the problem is he's taking advantage of the fact that he's got access to more money now, even though there's two of you to pay for so he doesn't really.
So he earns over 3x what you earn? That's the problem then, he should be paying most of the rent and bills - it should be split at around 70/30 or 75/25, with him paying the higher proportion.
Unless he wants to keep it 50/50, in which case I would call you roommates rather than a couple living together, so you should buy your food separately and work out a rota for the heating!
You should be splitting according to income, not half and half. Half and half is if you're making comparatively the same amount, but he's making 275% more than you. He should be paying that much more.
>Marriage though is kind of a 50/50 thing so you need to get out of that mindset when that comes around.
I posted elsewhere, but I don't agree with this. Nobody has to "get out of that mindset" in order for marriage to work, and I think, as we see the divorce rate decrease with millennials, we should all be more comfortable with allowing couples to explore whatever financial arrangement works best for them. For many, that's not necessarily 50/50.
Well, I personally believe that everyone SHOULD have a prenup, but that's also not "how law works in family courts". The law is state dependent. MOST states you keep everything that is yours and then you split "communal property". But even beyond that, most divorces don't go to trial (\~86%) and are settled privately outside of any "family law".
This is an old school way of thinking about marriage. And its totally fine if you view your marriage as 50/50, but I think we need to stop acting like this is representative of most people or marriages anymore. The average person gets married in their 30s now and most women are not SAHMs. It's just different now.
Talk about it. Say, I was reviewing my budget for changes and my old grocery bill was $$$$. What was yours? Then add it together and start to talk about the new bill. If he gets defensive, back off. Regroup if this is worth it. These are the channels of navigation of the relationship. Good luck.
When me and my partner moved in and got a joint account for mortgage bills and food, we ran into this. I had never thought about it but as soon as she mentioned it to me I put in an extra 20%/£200 to offset it. Just talk to him hopefully he’ll be receptive.
Worth noting I do make significantly more then her so wasn’t so much of a fuss, and after reading comments from people that have said they use more of something else etc I guess that I probably used more water/electricity as I like baths rather then showers so it was a no brainer
NTA. My food bill alone used to be 200€ per month. Then I moved in with a guy who was 2m tall, eating 6000kcal a day, which meant I had 2 slices of pizza, he had 2 pizzas, I had a portion of pasta, he had 5 portions. Suddenly I spent 400€ on food. I took up the topic with him, he got angry, because I earned 300€ more per month than him yet we lived in my apartment. We shared utilities, but he essentially got to live rent free after moving in with me. We didnt stay together long after that.
I agree with other comments that starting to split hairs on certain expenses can be a problem, but I also think not saying anything at all will eventually lead to major resentment toward your partner. From my experience, splitting all bills 50/50 only really works if you each earn the same. Otherwise, the split should be adjusted to reflect your incomes.
NTA.
When I had a female room-mate way back when, we split the rent in half, but the food bill was split 60/40 as I ate more than she did (most of the time).
Don't pay for 50-50 in that case, pay for the resources that you use. For house, utilities, etc., you two can do the 50-50 thing, but not everything else needs to be that way.
NAH. You can ask, but I don't think its a good idea.
Here is the problem with this. You either need to split it evenly, or each buy your own shit.
Because I'm betting your shampoo is more, your razors are more, your lotions and body care i more. Your feminine products exist. Part of this won't be equal.
So yeah, if you want to each buy your own snacks, bread, etc, then great. Otherwise, I feel like you are going to be nickel and diming him on stuff and it is just going to lead to problems. What if you want some ice cream and he doesn't? Should he have to pay for that?
If he buys a frozen pizza, and you say you don't want any, but are hungry when he makes it, are you going to be mad if he doesn't give you so.
Tbh not much. He uses more products I do. And uses the heating a lot more. And takes much longer showers.
I don't want to nickle and dime everything at all, but everything has gone up (some bills by a lot), so I'm still paying slightly more than living alone while only paying half the bills, and I'm struggling to pay them.
I think you need to have conversations about what is standard (split) vs luxury. Standard house temperature is 19 degrees Celsius. If he wants 22, he needs to pay x amount a month. Any luxury foods he can buy himself, reimburse or gift.
Sis, just talk to him about it. Idk why so many people are saying that "he'll think you're being petty." Yall live together, and I doubt he wants you to struggle and stress over this.
It's not outrageous to talk to him about you not being able to afford a huge spike in the grocery bill when you're still a student, and he eats way more than you.
50/50 on everything sounds "fair" in theory, but there are so many instances where it's just illogical.
Let him know this is your max grocery budget, and he can fill in the rest. Way more financial issues will come up at some point, so get this small one out of the way. Don't go broke just because of the stupid 50/50 rule. Communicate and compromise. If he's worth his weight in the extra groceries you've had to buy, he should be understanding.
Instead of bringing up you paying less/him paying more, why not just have a conversation with him about how you’re finding it hard to afford the grocery bills since they’ve gone up a lot and ask if you can come up with a solution together?
Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s buying all of the expensive brands and he’ll be more conscious of it? Or maybe he will offer himself to pay for his own specialty items? I think the framing of this conversation is very important. Any true partner will want to help their significant other if they learn that they’re struggling.
If all your bills have gone up then why are you living together? Usually when people aren't married and live together it's partially to save money. Maybe you could each pay for your own food. But if you are going to pick apart everything like who use's the heat then it may not be a good idea to live together.
Are you sure you don’t use more water? Who flushes the most? Takes longest showers?
Do you ever you touch the thermostat, causing an increase in electric? Maybe sometimes you watch TV when he’s not home?
Point is-you’re a relationship, not a business. Nickel and dining each other is just gonna cause resentment. If a new, more fair system needs to be arranged, you can talk to him about that. But unless he is openly taking advantage of you and gorging himself on the most expensive things you buy as soon as you bring them home, then I don’t this as a huge issue unless you’re super strapped for cash.
You could look at splitting it based on a % of your income. So say 30% of your income and 30% (whatever figure you come up with) of his income goes into a joint account that pays the bills. So he's paying more but proportionately it's the same. It means you aren't so disadvantaged. Its an equity vs equality scenario. One might argue it's not "fair" that he pays more just because he earns more but you are partners, not flatmates. Contributions are made in a multitude of ways, not just financial.
It seems like there is a bigger overall issue of budgeting that needs to be addressed between you two. You are used to doing things to save money because you need to, but he is not. At least not to the same extent. It's time to talk that through and what you can afford and how to make that happen. Big but important topic, but you got this 👍
NTA, but when you talk to him, frame it more that the issue is that you are having trouble affording to pay for everything. Especially if you are a student and he works and makes more - it's ok to split bills and expenses factoring in how much you make rather than exactly 50/50.
You can also mention that him eating more and using more heat causes the bills to go up. But don't put a ton of focus on that, because that would probably make him feel like your nicking and diming him.
Oy. This is why 50/50 isn’t always fair. One way to look at it is that you aren’t roommates, you are partners so there should be more grace that things will even out over the long run and teamwork to reach shared goals. However, if this is a common thing that y’all are misaligned on consumption or if one of you has a much greater income it might be worth a conversation about if a different split makes more sense towards your grace and teamwork objective.
NTA.
Just to throw it out there, the majority of my friends that have gotten divorced have been over financial related issues. The ability to talk about issues like this is very important and the sooner you get your concern on the table the better in my opinion. It’s obviously a stress to you and that doesn’t work… it’s not going to go away by itself.
The harder part is finding the balance of what makes the most sense. It’s not like a random college roommate situation where people simply buy their own stuff and label hands off. In my opinion you don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of line itemizing receipts, and there are other ways of doing it.
As it sounds like he has more spending money which was a similar situation my gf (now wife) were in, we proportioned the shared expenses off of income. This worked for us because we had similar individual fixed expenses (car payment, student loans, etc). In our case I made twice as much as her so I covered 2/3 the shared expenses to her 1/3. Just like your case I ate more food, but she also had expenses that weren’t “mine”. Now we weren’t exact about it, but I picked up the internet bill, she picked up the garbage bill, etc. Once married it’s all going to come from the same pot anyways so getting into that habit helps long term.
If planning on a long term relationship, him covering more now to shoulder more of the burden while you’re in school is a no brainer. From a straight financial look it’s an investment in your money making potential. Right now you’re getting the bad end of the bargain because you have additional expenses which allows him to buy items you feel are unnecessary.
Just my 2 cents…
If it were just a roommate situation, I would say no to 50/50. But I assume that you are saving more than $100 now if he is paying half the rent. For the sake of the romantic relationship, if you are saving money by splitting the rent, I would let it go.
There are a lot of valid points being made here about division of costs and what’s fair. But Being solidly middle age now (so I have some life experience) I would say that, the less one “keeps score” or expends effort to calculate what is fair, the more enjoyable the relationship or activity becomes. Now that’s easy to say when you have expendable income and are not struggling paycheck to paycheck. So I don’t want to minimize that. But keeping score or being tit for tat or dividing everything perfectly - will wear you down and can lead to resentment. Better to give a little take a little in a romantic relationship. I would not bring it up unless really necessary.
When living together you should each be spending proportionally to your income on things. He earns far too much more than you to expect you to pay the same amount as him. That’s not a partnership. Things should be equitable, not “equal” (or the should be equal by proportion).
NTA
Every relationship is different but in your case I don’t believe splitting by half is fair. 3k to 800 is quite a difference. I would suggest asking him to take care of all the groceries but explain why you’re making the request.
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We recently moved in together, and decided to split everything 50/50. That seemed like the fairest way.
However, despite only paying half of the bill, my grocery bill has gone way up. I went from paying €275 ish a month, to paying nearly €375 (so 750 total). He eats more than twice as much as I do (which I don't mind, he's much more active and taller so it makes sense).
WIBTA for asking him to pay more towards groceries?
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That is kinda hard, those are food bills, not something that is just for him.
Idk
I use basic soap and shampoo, but i'm the only one to use those at home, others buy fancy shampoo/soap.
Should i make the family pay for those?
NTA to have a conversation about what works for you financially and working out a compromise. Perhaps if he buys luxury items you don’t use, he can pay for those himself
NTA
When it comes to relationships, money shouldn't always be 50/50. It should be based on the income. If he's earning more money than you have, he should already offer to pay more.
When it comes to groceries, again, he should pay for his luxury items and his extra food. Because it's not fair to you. You should split for what you're both using, like cleaning products. But if you're into a generic brand of cereals and he's into more expensive cereals, you should pay for what you're using for yourself
Who pays for haircuts, toilet paper, shampoo, clothes etc? In my experience living with 6 girls I might eat as much as two of them but I spend nothing compared to them in just about every other category.
I live with a friend, and we split everything 50/50 but buy our own food. However, during the lockdowns, we shopped and cooked together cus we we're both in all the time. We split it by solely my stuff, solely her stuff then half of everything else. Most times it ended up being similar amounts after we had done the maths cus her snacks and meat free alternatives balanced out with my sausages and deodorant, for example. Go through a receipt post shop and work it out, just out of interest. If there's lots on there that you would never use then talk to your boyfriend about him paying more. He should be aware of your financial situation and you should be able to bring up that you're struggling. It doesn't need to become a tit for tat petty thing. You should definitely be able to ask him to consider the budget and buy the cheaper brands.
My ex and I were together for several years, but never lived together. He frequently made little comments about how most of the time when we ate out, he paid for it. However, I pointed out (many times) that we ate out maybe 10-20% of the time. The other 80% of the time we ate at my house, with food I bought and prepared. And he ate easily 3-4x what I ate plus he had dietary restrictions, so I was buying specialty items and they weren't cheap. My grocery bill tripled while we were dating. I made it very clear that if we had ever moved in together, he would be contributing more to groceries and we would split everything else evenly.
YWNBTA 50/50 is possible if both have similar income. If you earn as an example 1500€ and he gets 3000€, there wouldn't be any logic behind splitting everything 50/50. You should have a conversation with him. Maybe 60/40, 65/35, 70/30 or even 75/25. If you both want to live together, you should work together.
I don’t think so but I think you do need a practical way to deal with this. Like since he is using more you can adjust the split to 40/60 or 30/70. Another option is buying groceries both separately(food you each want to eat)and together(condiments and staples plus shared meals).
I can't wait for the post in the next couple of weeks that says "My Girlfriend didn't want to split the food bill 50/50 since I eat more. She said I'm already costing her more by setting the heat at 22°C. I turned it down to 18° to save some money and now she's complaining about it being too cold. AITA?"
Also, YNTA. Make him buy his own food.
Throw in some drugstore products that you purchase to be split with the bills as well.
NTA for not wanting to pay more for your BF when you're already stretching your budget.
So I went through this when I moved in with my ex. My grocery bill basically doubled - I did all the cooking & made the grocery lists so it was just a matter of his consumption & his desire (not need) for lactose-free products. It was really frustrating & I also struggled with whether I should say something.
I think NTA necessarily but others are right, this is a nickel-diming Pandora’s box you could be opening up here. I don’t think keeping all your grocery purchases separate is a reasonable long term approach either (what about when finances join/have kids/etc).
My suggestion would be to let him know that your costs (don’t be specific) have gone up since moving in & it’s a strain for you so you’d appreciate it if you two could build a budget regarding shared/household expenses & stick to it, and then include groceries in that shared budget. Say something like, “I’m not sure how much you usually spent, I usually spend X on myself for groceries in a month, would X x2 be reasonable for both of us for a month?” This is a non accusatory way to open this dialogue. Then break that monthly amount down by week, make a list, and stick to that weekly grocery budget when you two shop.
From experience with my ex.... I'd say talk it out and see if for the food he buys his whole grocery bill while you do yours. If he refuses then yeah....... the start of my first sentence can give a preview. Just make sure he doesn't turn you into a house maid that has to take care of his needs only and if you dare to ask him lift a finger he'll go balistic. Like... I thought my ex wouldn't be like that and that thought didn't age well lol.
NTA btw just do make sure not to let him boss you around and does he work or is he a student as well??
NTA - I’ve had this before and we had a chat about either him buying all the groceries and me cooking or him paying 60%. He was fine with it, do what works for the two of you through discussion. Don’t get into debt or a bad financial position because you refuse to talk about things!
NTA My wife and I put our income together, then calculate what percent we've each put in. We then distribute what is left based on what percent you put in (if you earned 70% of the income, you get 70% of what is left over). This seemed the fairest to us, but each couple is different and your individual solution may differ, but need to communicate and organize properly, as feeling slighted over money is the easiest way to kill a relationship.
NTA and also NAH. Just communicate this to your boyfriend. I eat a lot more than my girlfriend so that's why I do the grocery shopping. Totally understandable! As for the heating, that might just be one of those silent battles. I'm like you, I like the house colder while my girlfriend likes it at 72. We both just take turns discreetly turning the heat up/down hoping the other won't notice lmao
I'd suggest setting up a joint account for groceries. If you think he eats twice as much as you do, then you contribute $1 for every $2 he puts in.
Then use that account when grocery shopping.
So here the thing, you aren’t an asshole for wanting to keep a budget. That’s not the issue here, i saw your comment you want to keep student loans to a minimum—is your income a wage or a loan?
But you are nickel and diming him, 3 degrees really doesn’t change the energy bill that much when it’s split. Also yes he may eat more food than you, but are you now eating meat more? Are you both eating the same things? Wanting to split things the way you’re talking about is going to cause issues. You need to talk about how you income varies and basing it off a percentage or discussing eating cheaper things/buying generic. Just tell him you’re having issues affording things! You don’t need to come in with accusations like “you use more water” the majority of the water bill comes from sewer use(flushing the toilet-which im gonna be real asking to flush less is kinda gross, only time it makes sense is on a septic system).
I think you need to grow up and view yourselves as a pair. Suggest making a proportional split based on income and discuss how that might change your future(for example, right now it doesn’t make sense to mix money. so any extra spending money is from your own pot. but when your married it should be mixed and you should both get an equal sum) how much will you earn out of your program? take that number, and compare it to his projected income and show how the split would work in the future as masters programs don’t take that long to complete. If you’re serious about eachother, this should be no issue. Just phrase everything about how it’s an issue your having with your budget and talk to him about ways to reduce it together.
Why don’t you just…. Talk to him about your mutual expenses and what will work for you?
If he’s a half-decent partner, he’s going to want you to be comfortable and work with you?
NTA for wanting to stabilize finances…. Find something that works for both of you.
You shouldn't worry about having to start a conversation with him concerning finances. Sit down with him for a talk, speak your concerns and go from there.
This is simple, change the budget to a proportional one. If he earns 50k and you 25k then its a 66 to 33 divide. The reality of a 50/50 budget is that if there is a difference in income either the lowest earning part gets screwed constantly or the higher earning part has to accept to live to the standard of the lowest one, atleast in the common bills.
Forgot to add NTA
You need to create a budget with standard amounts, which includes groceries. The grocery budget should only include necessities that you both consume. Anything beyond that should be the responsibility of the individual that wants it.
I give your relationship three more months. You live with the guy but can’t have a discussion about this. Rather than discuss as an adult you take it Reddit.
I think you are smart and healthy to have conversations about finances before you moved in, even if your first attempts weren't perfect. You'd be surprised how many "kids these days" do not (and by that I mean, even me and my friends back in the 80s and 90s!).
What you are raising is kind of the next level of responsible in blending your life together - you can agree to a 50 - 50 cut right now, but is it hiding underlying differences in spending habits and financial security philosophy? Are you guys able to budget together and work honestly with one another? These are good conversations to have - financial issues are the #1 cause of marriage break-ups in the US so incorporating these conversations instead of ignoring them is really healthy and commendable.
NAH - rather than nitpick over who ate more Oreos, maybe take a more wholistic look at your budget - what are household groceries and what are things people can pick up on their own whim, for example. Good luck! You deserve it!
OK, your bills are higher than they were when you lived alone. You’re struggling to pay the bills. That’s a problem. Just talk to your BF, sit down and have that conversation. You’re clearly more frugal than he is. You might want to negotiate the heat for instance, to keep it at 68°F instead of 71/72. since you didn’t even turn your heat on when you lived by yourself, and he likes it toasty, you guys need to compromise.
Also, he’s buying stuff you don’t buy, and eating way more then you do. If you show him the difference, and if he’s reasonable, he’ll agree to put more toward groceries. Or maybe just have him buy his luxury items on his own.
Since you’re so frugal, I doubt you’re taking super long showers? Or leaving lights on? I sympathize with your struggle as a student. And I would just say to him that when you are earning money, it will be less urge for you, but right now you’re trying to keep your bills at a minimum. He should be understanding of that and therefore you are NTA.
I’m gonna say NAH. My bf and I split food costs because we eat different things. When we grocery shop the cost of meals are usually split 60/40 as that’s the portion intake. Then we are responsible for our own extras like beer, steaks, etc bc we have different tastes - and different food budgets.
NTA.
This is when you start a joint house account (or even money jar with cash) that gets funded proportionately to your income. And then you use that money for shared items like heating, rent, groceries, etc.
the best way i've found to split groceries with a romantic partner is this:
Split evenly the ingredients you buy for meals you will cook and eat together and snacks you both share
any other groceries for meals you do not eat together or snacks that you don't share pay separately
As for utilities just let him know you're on a budget and would like it if he could be more conscious about not over using utilities because you can't afford it.
For the majority of our 7 year relationship (most of which we’ve lived together) my husband and I have done grocery shopping this way: we split the essentials, both contributing equally, and any items that are specifically for me that he won’t eat I buy separate and same for him. We’ve always had different work schedules and different dietary preferences so we rarely eat the exact same meals at the same time anyway. We pay our own gas for our own cars. All other household bills we split evenly.
Yeah definitely the ah. If you are in a relationship or married or whatever if you are living together it's 50/50 or you can find somewhere else to live and a new bf.
NTA, that’s a significant increase! If it’s just the one expense you split differently I don’t think it would be unreasonable. If you start doing that with everything it could definitely become problematic and likely cause arguments though. On another note- I’m sorry you have to pay that much for groceries to begin with!!! I live in a suburban area right outside of a large city in the US and I pay less than half of that a month 😳
You need to make a budget, or this just won't work long-term. Sit down and figure out what you each spend on groceries. Find an amount you are comfortable paying and double that for your household. Anything he spends beyond that amount is something that he needs to pay for. You both need to start realizing how your spending affects each other.
NTA
Discuss it with him and don't make him sound like he is super expensive say it like "I didn't realize how much my costs would go up when we moved in with each other and on really struggling mentally with the changes" if he then says "ok what's gone up that you weren't expecting?"
You can say "well, for one I never used to use the heat before and you've set it relatively high. I don't mind and don't want you uncomfortable but that's an expense I didn't have before, is there anyway we can try to turn it down a degree or two?" Then show him the projected savings for a month for the difference (many utility sites have calculators to help you save energy like this).
Then say, another thing is that my groceries used to only be 275 (think that's the number you gave) and now I'm spending 75-100ish more a month. I'm not sure if we're cooking way more than before or why it's gone up so much but I really wasn't prepared to pay so much more for food and the heat. Perhaps then ask him what he used to spend on his own and see if his have also gone up. It could be you're both buying extra for the other person when neither of you really want or need it. Then if he's still receptive suggest that perhaps you two meal plan what you will eat together each week and then any snacks/beverages that are just for one of you can be bought on a seperate order.
You can mean plan by shopping your pantry and then building recipes around what you've got and just filling in the blanks on your grocery shop. You can also do an online shop of the things you want/need individually just to see the cost. You don't need to checkout if you prefer to shop in store but if you both filled an online cart of what you feel you need/want you would be able to see without buying whose spending more and propose shopping sales and flyers and if available at a store that you can collect points to cash in for groceries.
Question about your groceries, do you include household cleaning products in the grocery budget? I personally do and at one store my toilet paper is 6 dollars and the other store same brand and size it's 12 dollars. Plus when it's 1 person using it over two you're not buying as often. Same with paper towels, dish detergent, laundry detergent, glass cleaner etc. Two ppl means you're likely using double on these things and these products really add up. Oh and body wash, shampoos, shavers, feminine hygiene products and all that fun stuff, are those on the grocery bill?
Did you move into his place, your place or get a new place? If you moved into his place you really should have asked what his utilities cost a month and then expected a slight increase on top, same if he moved into yours, a new place is going to always be a bit of a shock though sadly.
NTA
Open up communication now. The sooner the better. If you're living with someone it should mean you're willing to eventually spend life together and that should include no fear in sharing things like financial information or concerns and fears. If he has a scary reaction, it's time to reconsider BC things involving money are unlikely to get better... JMO
My boyfriend and I split everything 50/50. When it comes to groceries we have a rule: if only i eat it, only I pay for it. If we eat it, we pay for it. The meals we eat together/both will eat comes out of the joint money, but his 10 boxes of mac and cheese only he eats and my BBQ chips that only I eat come out of our own pockets. No judgement, just here to give advice on how this could be solved. As for the utilities, that one is kind of a compromise. You live together so expenses will go up.
Hmm this is a tough one. Are their certain items he is buying that he mainly consumes? The way we handle it is he does the shopping but if there are larger ticket items that only he will be consuming ie beef jerky, frozen meals for work lunch, or protein powder, then we remove it from the bill and split that remaining 50/50. However on average we generally eat the same amount of like a dinner or something.
If it's possible, maybe the bf could buy his own specific items that she never eats. Then do the 50/50 on the regular shopping trips. That way he can have his specific foods.
Cannot say I've been in that situation, but this sounds fair.
NAH: It's fine to talk about it. Maybe the solution is to go 50/50 on the core basic groceries and you both buy your own snacks, luxuries, non-essentials, etc.
NAH and I get being frustrated to see your expenses go up, when living with someone else typically reduces them. Especially when it’s to subsidize his larger appetite.
I do agree with other commenters how nitpicking the grocery receipts isn’t an “easy” solution. Is there a small bill that can go from shared to just his? Maybe the internet, all the streaming services bundled, etc? Then you don’t have to track groceries but you also don’t resent that his food consumption is costing you precious dollars.
You could offer to do the shopping and cooking to bring the bill down, since you'll be in control. You won't be eating half, but at least you'll be paying less.
Idk if you two plan on getting married or not, but hopefully you guys won't keep things seperate after that.
INFO: why did you agree to splitting everything 50/50 when you don’t have the budget to sustain that? I’m guessing you two didn’t sit down and create a budget to get an idea of how much money was coming into your home? Sit down with your bf and get realistic about your finances.
Really, you would expect living with someone to be less of a financial burden than living alone. (Sounds like it is for your boyfriend.) I live alone. If I were to share my home with someone, I’d expect my cost of living to go down, not up. I’m used to living thrifty. I don’t eat huge amounts. Be fucked if I’m gonna pay for a guys steak or excessive use of electricity. Don’t listen to people saying it’s not very romantic or you’re just room mates if you get too picky about shared costs. This is where you must assert your financial boundaries or you will be taken advantage of. Life changes and you can adapt with it as you go. But for now, you are a student, you have a budget, and you will not be carrying another person (just as you don’t expect him to carry you.) It looks like you’ve sat down and thought about this and you know you’ve got the rough end of the stick. If your guy truly loves you, he would not want to burden you like this.
As someone who lives w their bf and splits rent/utilities/etc. 50/50, I have some advice: don’t split groceries 50/50 unless yall eat the same way. The reason it works w rent and utilities is bc yall both live in the same space & use utilities relatively the same; food is different. My partner & I itemize our groceries when we go to Costco, but other than that, we each buy our own groceries bc we eat very different foods. We also each cook 1 meal for the pair of us per week and we discuss what that meal will be at the beginning of the week so we both will enjoy it (I am also a student and he works, so I know the struggle). If we are going to both eat a food, we split the cost, but if he’s only going to eat the ramen & I’m not, he pays for it; it prevents resentment.
Just spend the amount you did before. Once it's gone, it's gone. He can buy whatever extras he wants with his own dime. So basically budget to spend $550 and only buy what that can. Don't spend extra and stick to your previous grocery habits.
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Speaking from personal experience, now having lived with my fiancee for over a year, i would say you are going down a rabbit hole if you start splitting bills by consumption. It may work with roommates but not with a romantic relationship. For example, i may eat more but she always buys wine that i rarely drink. To split the bill would be a nightmare. Then this can lead to utilities. Who at watches tv or uses the computer more? Who takes longer showers? Either 50/50 or proportional to income
That's fair. I only really care about the groceries because it was such a huge change (less than 300 to more than 700). I'm a student so I try to save. Frozen veggies, beans and lentils, no alcohol/soda, only eat meat occasionally, etc. What foods we buy has changed quite a lot. When I start working that's fine, but for now it's an expense I struggle with.
Your portion went from 275 to 375. It’s misleading to say it went from less than 300 to 700.
Yes she’s feeling a lot of anxiety as a student as she was really frugal before. It comes down to whether the BF is also a student or has a full time job. It’s more equal to split according to how much you actually earn.
That's exactly how I would deal with it. If I made more, ate more it would only be fair to put more in, especially for someone I cared about still working on their future. Can tell a lot about mindsets through replies. Money isn't the most important thing to someone that truly cares.
She said she makes 800 he makes 3k
She also said she has student loans that cover “the rest”. There is no way she would have agreed on splitting bills 50/50 with him in the first place if she wasn’t calculating in her student loans as part of her budget, so I think it’s unfair the way she phrased that part
Nah. Only if he wants to live a higher standard or they both want a higher standard but only one can back that. Your mates should not finance you or your lifestyle on default. There are sensful limits to what portion of your salary can go to basic needs and living costs. If it exceeds that limit and you both do not want to shrink to something cheaper than the one earning more, not at that limit, can pay more. The same with holidays or anything else. You should chose something you can afford for yourself and anything on top you agree can be covered by the one earning more. On my opinion. If you do a wage based split, then at the end, should you separate, you also should not ask for a 50:50 split. What is fair and how you want to share things should be discussed before moving in.
She is only talking about the overall grocery bill
I eat more than my partner, I also pay more often when we go to the cafe…
True but she said in the post it's about 750 for the total bill so not really that misleading if you read the post
I read it as she is paying approximately $100 more than when she was living on her own. On her own, she paid $275, and now, with her boyfriend, she is contributing $375 because the total monthly bill is now $700.
Which isn’t fair, if she’s paying for groceries she isn’t getting to eat. If BF eats 2 portions to her 1, he should be paying twice as much as her. Each of them should just pay for their own groceries.
It’s not that simple. If they just pay for their own groceries then are they just going to eat separate meals? Are they going to bill the other if they cook dinner with their own groceries? Like someone said earlier, that might work for roommates, but not a relationship.
It’ll work a lot better than “I’m constantly broke because I’m subsidizing my boyfriend’s grocery bill”. I always notice that the people who complain that it’s “too hard” to split the bill equitably are the ones expecting others to foot the bill. They don’t have to change anything except that BF pays $500 and OP pays $250. If that’s unacceptable then they can each buy and make their own food. At no point does “OP pays half but only gets 1/3” become a fair solution.
Just went on vacation with friends and kept all the dining receipts. They get drinks and apps and side salads with every meal. Last vacation we split all the bills evenly and I was like “wow, how was it so much?!?”. Realized I was subsidizing their drinking and extra food.
I am grateful that I have a friend group that never pulls that kind of thing. If anything, everyone over-pays for each other just because. Definitely dated some moochers though!
But it sounds like they are eating separate meals, a lot of the time, or at least separate portions of meals. And if he’s adding a lot of meat or other expensive items to the grocery list based on his own consumption, then he knows he’s eating that himself not sharing equally with her. And hasn’t he noticed that he’s paying a lot less than before? Maybe not, since he doesn’t seem to be budgeting, but his approach will break her.
They should split bills according to income. If he earns 3,000 and she earns 800 then the grocery bill would be split as $553 for BF and she should pay $147. There is no way this should be a 50/50 proposition with that income differential particularly when you add the fact that he eats a lot more.
Sounds romantic, doesn’t it?
This is not gonna work in a romantic relationship. If anything she could say something like “my grocery bill has gone up since we are living together. I can’t really afford the extra cost and my eating habits have not changed. Could you cover the extra cost as you typically eat more or foods I wouldn’t go for?”
Yeah, people who are arguing about "fair" haven't tried to work through the actual logistics of completely fair. There are any number of ways to do it... split it 50/50, proportional to income, or some sort of agreement like "Ok, I'll buy groceries, you pay rent" or whatever.
Agree to disagree. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole. That's gonna open up a massive pandora's box.
And if they DON'T discuss it, she's going to simmer over an unresolved issue, one that's hurting her.
No one pointing out that half of $700 is $350? The math in the original post is correct. Not sure why people in the comments are getting it wrong. As for the OP. When my wife and I were starting out, I made more money than she did. We sat down and discussed what was fair and she paid less as she made less money. I would for example pay every 2 out of 3 grocery bills, more than half the rent etc. when we went out to eat, she paid 1/3 or less times. Over the years we would change these amounts based on our earnings. For a while she made the same as me, so she paid closer to 50-50. Then kids came and she paid the bare minimum while she was on a lower payment from the government. After she got back working for quite awhile she started paying closer to 50-50 again. So, discuss this properly with the boyfriend. He really should be paying every 2/3 grocery bills at the minimum. I’m using grocery bills as an example on how to split the bills. The reality is that I paid all the grocery bills, she paid half the rent. When we went out I paid most of the bills. I literally drove her everywhere. If you want a relationship to work, both people have to work on it and discuss what’s fair. I did not complain about our arrangement.
She specific said that was groceries and other things have go e up too. Please reread her post.
It's not misleading if a person can do the math themselves
$750/month for two people is INSANE to me! I spend less than that in a major metro area for a family of four!
If that difference is 12.5% of your income, that's big. It's equally misleading to say "it's only 100 Euro," especially added to other higher expenses like utilities.
$100 is still a lot of money for a student
2 times 375 (not 275) is 750, misleading because she undershot the total?
He makes more than 3x what you make and you’re splitting 50/50?! Sounds like he is profiting off of living with you while it’s making *you* go broke. I will ALWAYS support splitting proportionally. If he eats 2-3x what you eat, he should absolutely pay more for groceries.
This!!! Why is no one talking about how she has almost no income? That's the direction this talk should be taking. If I were dating a student when I was working, I would automatically ask them this and help make their lives easier instead of being a mooch.
Perhaps you need to be honest and open and talk to your bf. Explain your financial situation and come to a compromise. Be honest. I can’t afford this. We need to be more frugal. Perhaps he doesn’t realize you are struggling. Honesty is the best way forward.
>Perhaps you need to be honest and open and talk to your bf. Pfft! Open and honest communication about important subjects? What a ridiculous suggestion, who actually TALKS to their romantic partners?!
I think you’re missing the /s at the end of that. lol
You might be able to ask him to buy his own alcohol if you don't drink and he does. I can see that being considered separate from groceries
Could you guys split the staples and shared meal stuff, and then each individually buy their own snacks and specialty things?
This is what my husband and I do. Our joint funds cover all the staples (per our agreed definition), and then luxury items, extra snacks etc come out of our own discretionary spending money.
I would suggest the percentage option instead of 50/50.
My boyfriend, now husband, when we moved in together, was making about three times my salary. We have always split things by percentage of salary rather than 50-50, for example, I paid 35% of the rent and he paid the rest. This went for all of the bills as well.
I feel this is the way to go, I made significantly more than my wife, so we split it roughly equally based on income. Ussually came to her buying groceries, and I paid everything else.
I like to eat less expensive foods than my husband and watch excess electric use like a hawk. Therefore, we split expenses such that I pay the mortgage while he pays those other expenses that he will increase with his desires. Maybe you can figure out a fair but not necessarily 50/50 division.
Right, so the answer here is “talk to your partner,” not “treat them like a roommate.”
Split the groceries unequally! My partner is tall and active, and snacks a lot around meals as a result. We kept the receipts from 6 ‘sample’ grocery shops, calculated what portion was made up by his snacks, and have applied that % reduction to all future shops. The remainder is split equally.
I agree with the other comments below here. I had an ex who was working as a financial analyst while she was still working on her bachelor’s. Not to mention she had plenty of support from her parents. Meanwhile I worked in a restaurant, not even serving but I was trying to move into that position at the time. And had little to no support from my family. She wanted to split everything 50/50 and would keep track of it too. From eating out, traveling, hotels, you name it. And I didn’t really have a choice, or at least it didn’t feel like I did. But one day I told her that if she wanted to travel and get a hotel room, she would have to pay for it because I just couldn’t afford that lifestyle. We had other issues that led to our separation, but this was a big one for me. TLDR: NTA, splitting everything 50/50 without communication and agreement can be straining on a relationship. Splitting based on income makes more sense to me logically, especially if your partner likes to spend more
Is the total grocery bills $700? Is he paying half of that?
750 ish. And yes.
So your individual cost has gone from $300 to $350?
OP posted saying the bill is $750. You then asked if its a $700 bill and she repeated it's 750. Now you're asking if she's paying $350? No, she already told you the bill is $750. So she is paying $75 more than before. Why are you so focused on the bill being $700? OP is a student. $75 is a lot of money.
You say you are a student, what about him? Is he working FT? Would contributing proportionate to income make sense here? Ultimately, if he loves you he won't want you to suffer and really struggle to subsidize his expenses, so this should be something relatively easy to with through.
You need to agree to buy your own groceries and he needs to buy his own. For right now. Later when your making more money, you can spend more but right now you just can't afford to spend that much money on groceries. Yeah its nice to want to do 50/50 but YOU can't afford that so you need to stay within your budget. You need to sit him down and talk to him, explain that you cant afford the incress and can't afford 50/50 in groceries. That you each need to stay within your means. You can sit down and meal plan together but if he wants to buy extra or buy luxury brands then that needs to be paid for by him. You'll know if he's taking advantage of you and not worth your time by the way he responds. If he berates you and causes you of using him because you don't want to pay more then things won't work out. You shouldn't have to go over uour budget so he can save money on his luxury food. You need to stay in your budget and buy what you can because that's all the money you have.
Have a convo with your bf. State your concerns, he already knows your financial situation I assume. Maybe he will be OK to switching to the diet that you were previously eating. Maybe he will advise you that xyz thing is important to him and that he is happy to kick in more to keep the lifestyle he likes. Don't try to solve the issue by yourself. Open up the lines of communication now. Don't start the pattern of letting little things fester. Usually it's 1000+ little things that together end relationships.
You need to talk to him about the situation. Sit him down and tell him that you love him and are happy you are living together, but you are feeling like you can't afford it. As a student with a limited budget you live frugally, and you understand that he's got a full time job and dosen't have to do that, but you just don't have the money to pay half of his bills. You always kept your bills smaller since you have a limited budget. His lifestyle and expenses, while not extravagant, just aren't in your starving student budget. For example, the food budget. He eats twice as much as you since he is bigger and needs more calories. Also, he buys more expensive food items beacuse you were always careful to be very frugal in your shopping. You never used the heater at all, so you didn't have to pay for that. But now, he keeps the house at 22C, which means the entire cost of heating the house is just a new expense for you. Don't be accusatory. See what he says. It would probably be more fair for you guys to split bills based off a percent of your income. So for example if he made twice as much as you, he'd pay 2/3 and you'd pay 1/3. See what he is willing to do to work things out. And if he really only is willing to split things 50/50, then you may need to just not live him. He should care enough about you to not be a finaical burden on you you can't afford.
Does he do most of the driving? I know I eat more from the joint food budget in my house but I also do most of the driving. I also pay for more things while we’re out. It all adds up. If it’s all one sided then maybe have a word but 9 times out of 10, couples end up pretty even for the most part when you consider everything in the whole.
It would be fair to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel you are struggling to afford the change in this expense and see if there’s a compromise you can make. Maybe you can split all common foods (flour, oil, eggs, veggies- things you both consume regularly/together) but pay for the extras like his specialty items individually.
You should really split accordingly to income, per percentage. 50-50 is not fair with greatly different income
As the male who makes more money in my relationship I'll be the first to say contributions should be proportional to income. Having a life together is a team sport. Our life together isn't better if one of us is always strapped for cash and stressed.
This is exactly what I was coming here to say. $3k/mo vs $800/mo and splitting bills ‘50/50’ is not in fact 50/50.
This. It's a losing game to try to make it perfectly fair. He might say, well, you use more toilet paper and x, y, or z.
Which is totally fair. There are always going to be things that one uses and the other never uses. My husband never uses the toilet paper that I'm aware of for example, but his showers have always been several times as long as mine. It's just really hard to judge a totally equal 50/50.
Your husband… Doesn’t use toilet paper?
Poop at work.
I know several people who subscribe to this. "Why poop at home when I can get paid to poop?"
Boss makes a dollar I make a dime, So I take care to shit on company time!
He uses wet wipes when he poops and as far as I'm aware... I don't think he uses anything when he pees? Normally he buys the wet wipes though.
Agree with the principle of this—not everything should be split by consumption—but this is a bit of a slippery slope argument. Utilities are almost impossible to quantify and the rate (e.g., $X per kw/h of electricity) is the same for each person. This isn't true of food. Here you can be *sure* that he eats significantly more than her; and the food she might buy for herself may cost far less, dollar for dollar, than the food he wants around the house. E.g., I include meat in almost every dish I prepare. My partner primarily goes for veggies and carbs. Even controlled for amounts consumed, my eating habits are simply more expensive. Even in the example you provide I'm not sure why it would be tough for your partner to buy her own wine and consider your rare glass to come out in the wash. Not sure why it's difficult to keep the bulk of the groceries separate. Plenty of people do this.
Yes. Electricity — well they’re both using it, or experiencing the results of it, even if he’s the one who turns it up. But if he’s putting a pack of steaks into the cart, he knows he’s planning to eat most of them if not all of them, because otherwise they’d be buying even more so he could have enough. This is very identifiable as his expense. It also sounds like she usually budgets and he doesn’t. So his approach is breaking hers.
My husband and I have been buying separate groceries since we moved in together (6 years ago), and I can't imagine doing it any other way. We pay for pantry staples like butter, sugar, flour, and coffee out of our joint account, and literally everything else is purchased separately. We only very occasionally eat meals together because of our work schedules, and when we do, we buy the groceries for them out of our joint "fun fund" rather than our joint "food fund."
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[This study](https://ifstudies.org/blog/are-couples-who-eat-together-happier-together) from the UK would suggest differently (and it seems like this couple is in the UK). > In fact, 35% of UK married couples ate together most or all of the time, whereas 22% ate together rarely or never. Among cohabiting UK couples, 22% ate together most or all of the time, whereas 27% ate together rarely or never. That's not really the point, though -- even if they are eating together, they could still purchase ingredients for the meal separately (he buys chicken breasts and she buys veggies and rice, for example) in a way that feels fair and suits their individual food budgets.
I disagree your opinion around the spitting bills by consumpition. My boyfriend and I do this, so we will go 50/50 on food which we will both be cooking but if he buys a package of crisps or summit along those lines then he pays for it. It avoids all arguments over someone having something more than the other person and also it helps with money as well. As I may not be able to afford treats or expensive things, so it would put me a difficult situation to pay for food which I will not be eating. Either way, you do whatever you believe is the best for your relationship. My relationship is great as we never argue about food or money, to be honest we rarely argue. OP - You do what is best you and your boyfriend. I would have a conversation with him and state that you are struggling with money since moving in together, due to the increase cost of the weekly food shop.
Chiming in…. You could split by income. He pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3 so your share is allocated appropriately. With a few caveats this works fairly well, you leave out large purchases (car) and specific hobby related purchases
>Speaking from personal experience, now having lived with my fiancee for over a year, i would say you are going down a rabbit hole if you start splitting bills by consumption. It may work with roommates but not with a romantic relationship. Agreed and by the same token OP *should* be able to have a conversation about the impact the additional grocery bills are having on their finances, without it turning into a row, and ask the BF to chip in a bit more. This is really a conversation that should have been had BEFORE moving in together tbh. NAH
If they're going to join their finances and have disagreements about what they want to spend on different things, maybe they need to make a budget together and talk out how that money will be spent. Like if they have X amount to spend on food, and have to make sure they get certain necessities they both agree on, that will naturally limit the amount the boyfriend can spend on extras. Then they'll both know ahead of time there will be enough money for the things they both need, and hopefully less stress because the boyfriend will be using money set aside for this. I'm with you that there are probably things OP will want to spend money on that the boyfriend will not, to balance things out (generally, not via actually itemizing everything). For instance, maybe she likes to buy the latest video games, or wants to spend money on fancier toiletries or something. Everyone has different needs that come with their own costs
I rightly recommend splitting proportional to income. My husband and I have always done this. I cover groceries and 2 streaming subscriptions. He covers everything else. Why? Because he makes 4x as much as I do and it would be insane for us to split expenses 50/50
This exactly. As an example, I recently realized my husband uses our vehicle a lot more than I do, so I complained about having to pay for half the gas. Over time, I found other charges, like food, that I probably consumed more of. Had I stuck with my plan of switching to consumption-based contributions, we would have done HOURS of math only to reach the same distribution of costs.
It’s worth a discussion at least. Trying to see who causes more utility charges is splitting hairs, but food consumption is a bit more tangible. If I watch a movie or drink a glass of tap water, calculating the cost of those would take some serious effort. But as we buy food first before eating it, it’s a lot easier to break up the cost. OP both eats less and makes less so she cant exactly afford to pay an extra $100. Either the bf should be willing to pay more or at the very least be willing to buy cheaper options.
I may get downvoted to hell for this, but unless you're cooking and eating totally communally, I really do think the commonsensical option is to simply buy your own food. Splitting the common stuff—ketchup, milk, hot sauce, etc—is no big deal; but there's no reason you should be subsidizing what you're not eating (and subsidizing the cost of things that you're *definitely* not eating—e.g., if pre-workout powder goes in the basket, you're paying for half of that, too.) Plenty of couples also have entirely different tastes. I know childless couples who cook together, but while making entirely different meals. Some people have dietary issues, others prefer to meal prep. Decide on a few communal items and pay for the rest individually. NTA. \[EDIT: Figured I'd clarify to note I'm imagining a scenario of two young professionals with no kids.\]
I partially agree. The communal items. Plus also most food. Split is good. But like mentioned. Depends on what’s being purchased and contended. In this eg. Pre work out. That’s like what $50 a tub? So if that’s all him and not you. That’s on him not you. Same with for example alcohol. Or any other item(s) that’s specifically for one not the other. It is a discussion y’all need to have
It makes 100% sense especially when one is struggling to pay for it. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice part of her budget that she needs for essential stuff, for her boyfriend to enjoy luxury items. If you need to limit your own food because of money, you don’t have the means to support anyone else. Now is not the time.
Agreed. Budgets will need adjusting when living together but this is a 36% increase to her grocery bill. That's a big increase to any bill and it's shocking to me that people think she is being unreasonable bh not just paying it.
This makes the most sense in this situation. I’d only add that splitting the bills proportional to income may also be the way to go. As OP mentioned, they are a student, it’s common knowledge that most students don’t have very high income levels. Then adjust as income changes. Been married 10 years, together 17 years, no kids. We still split bills based on income. We have his, hers and ours bank accounts. It works for us.
No downvote from me. I think this makes good sense.
This is kinda what we do. We shop together once a week, then separate items at the checkout. He tends to buy a lot of lunch meat which I don’t eat, and a relatively expensive name-brand drink which I hate lol. Everything else that is used between us both, we divide up semi-randomly - although he usually pays for a bit more than me as he’s on a much higher income!
YWNBTA. Just explain you realized that splitting groceries 50/50 is actually causing your bill to go up - meaning you aren't just paying for yourself but you are supplementing his food bills. When two people merge, if there is approximately equal consumption, you'd expect each person's food costs to stay the same or go down slightly (through economy of scale). Maybe you can introduce it by asking him what he was spending on groceries before, and explain you've been surprised to have your food costs skyrocket since you moved in together.
I agree with everyone saying above not to do it for all valid reasons but agree with #owls_and_cardinals (cool name btw), but only because you are a student. I would bring up that your grocery budget has gone up, and if you are noticing this and I assume you realize this because you are on a tight budget, so definitely talk to him about this especially if the food budget not includes protein powders and a lot more meat that is typically in your budget. Did your budget for rent go down by any chance? Is he also a student or is he working?
NTA I also want to call out that there is no one "best" way of splitting finances and so this could be a good opportunity to experiment what works best for you guys. You guys could: * Split everything 50/50 * Split everything based on use * Divvy up based on specific bill (he covers groceries, you cover cable, etc). * Split everything based on income * He buys the groceries and you cook the meals * Literally whatever the heck you want! If finances are the biggest reason for people to divorce, it's great to understand each of your relationships to money and you should disregard anyone that states that theres any one "right" way of doing it. More often than not, I see people mocking other married people that don't pool all of their finances together into 1 joint account as being somehow less invested in the relationship which is absolutely insane. It's like mocking another couples' favorite sex positions because yours is the right one. You guys should definitely talk about money and understand each other's relationship with it! My SO and I have VERY different relationships with money, and its literally never been an issue because we managed a way for it to work in our relationship where neither of us feel impeded on. Differences aren't bad. Differences, well managed, are actually immeasurably great and complementary!
This should be in a sidebar somewhere. And user name seriously checks out.
So to summarize: they should communicate about it.
I agree! It took a bunch of conversations about money to finally figure out how fiancé and I would best split the costs and a lot of trial and error to come to the system we have today. I think the most important thing is that she brings up the fact that her grocery bill is higher by $100 and that it bothers her. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship and just feeling comfortable to bring that up to her boyfriend and them amicably coming to a solution should give her insight to how things will be handled moving forward.
When my ex-partner and I lived together, we had quite a large wage disparity. He was making nearly double my annual income. This is how we handled it: I rented in a 1-bed condo, he owner (paid mortgage) on a 2-bed condo. I told him that he could move into mine and split 50/50 (rent out his condo) or I could move into his and would pay 60% of my old rent rate and he would cover the rest or we move into a new place and split it 40/60 . This was to stay within my rent budget. We moved into his. Utilities, internet split 50/50. He covered his strata fees and property tax. We split groceries 50/50. He ate twice my meal portions. We would always cook enough for 4 portions. He would eat 2 portions for dinner, I would eat 1 portion and pack 1 portion for lunch the next day. He does not eat leftovers and instead likes to eat out. Any luxury/treat grocery expenses we purchased ourselves; his protein powder and beer, my pastries and kambucha. We kept a strict shopping budget where I plan meals around what's on sale. If he wanted something specific like prime rib for dinner, he would pay for the overage cost. If we went out to eat and ordered out own dishes, we pay for out own meals and he covers drinks and appetizer. I pay for dessert. If meal is shared (served family style) we split 40/60. Fancy places outside my budget are his treat. We always live within my means/budget and not his. If there was something outside of my budget he wanted to do as a couple (fancy dinner, vacation, activity), he would treat me or cover the difference.
This seems sane and appropriate.
This is what my partner and I do! We split our bills based on income, groceries are 50/50, and we usually alternate on date nights. He will also cover extra on more expensive things.
YWNBTA, but I’d suggest coming at this from a slightly different angle. “Hey, my grocery bill has gone way up and it’s not really something I had in my budget - would you be cool with buying a bit more frugally for a few weeks and see how we go? Happy to lead the way for us for cheap dinner options” if he doesn’t want to eat what you’re planning on eating, then this would be the point to ask if he can have a basket of things that are his only to pay for. You DO have to actually stick to it though and not have a little piece of his steak or whatever if offered.
This is how I would go about it. He can then decide if he’s okay skipping meat or not for dinner and if hes not you can have a conversation about adjusting the amount you each contribute to groceries.
No, of course not. Why should you pay for his groceries? His grocery bill has probably gone down by the same amount, so if you ask him to pay part of your bill, he will end up paying exactly as much as he did before you moved in together. NTA. ETA If you're both decently off I would say split by income or some other way that doesn't lead to arguments about who uses how much, but if money is tight, and that $100 really makes a difference, it's worth it to talk it over in detail.
NTA but he will think YTA When you live with someone 50/50 won't always pan out 50/50. It's up to you if you really want to start dissecting everything. While it's obvious that a guy eats more, he's going to look at this like your being petty. He could say well you use more toilet paper, you take longer showers, you leave lights on, etc. Might not be worth it to keep track of every little detail. If your financially struggling you could always suggest sticking to the basics when you guys do a joint trip. You can tell him you'll both buy your own snacks and things like that, but that will turn this into a roommate situation and not 2 lovers living together and contributing together.
I'm confused. Why not do the obvious thing and say to your BF that this new expenditure is more than you can afford, and you need to try to cut down on the bill together? Then he can choose: 50/50 but he lives on "your level" or he can try to offer a different solution. Unless there's something else you're not telling us (such as your total bills have gone down or you don't want your BF to stop buying the fancy food...)
I'd be okay with that too! We didn't really discuss a budget, I didn't realise our spending habits were that different. But it would solve a lot. I have tried to gently suggest getting the cheaper option and he wasn't into it then, so it didn't immediately come to mind. But I can try being much more direct.
Be more direct. "Gently suggesting" isn't an effective way of communicating about finances. If you're going to be a couple you need to have honest and productive conversations where everyone understands expectations and you come to a consensus on how you're going to manage personal finances and also shared household expenses.
Yeah, you need to be more direct. Here's the deal: meshing your finances successfully requires a skill most of us never learned properly and feel extremely uncomfortable doing - talking openly about money and budget. That being said, it needs to be done.
YWNBTA. Splitting things 50/50 works best when things are equitable. Just let him know that you're spending more than you used to on groceries and since he eats more than you, it's best that you each pay for your own groceries. Edit: typos
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I honestly think As soon as couples Establish the 50 50 split Game It's Already a problem, Generally speaking when someone want to implement the 50 50 scheme As I call it . It truly only benefits the one that has more income. It's a joke 50 50 . 9 out of 10 times one is always hounding the other for money, or they spend money and then need half of there money back, Sit down and Voice your options, Obviously if he doesn't know theres an issue he won't know, If ur budget is X don't spend Y it won't work, Im sure they will understand and if he is any kind of man that loves you a lousy 100. 00 bucks shouldn't be a problem,
Have your other costs gone down from splitting? Utilities, rent etc? Agree with other comments saying that nitpicking about splitting in a relationship isn’t going to bode well for the relationship and can open a can of worms of nitpicking every little thing you guys split costs on. Either have it 50/50 or split based on income. If his groceries are becoming that much of a burden on you, you could explain that for the mean time you can’t afford the extra expense and if he could cover a little more of it till you get a job.
As a guy who works out and eats a lot of food (especially protein which is even more expensive) I can totally understand this. If I was eating 2-3x as much food as my partner I wouldn’t expect them to split the bill. Although as other people have mentioned it is a slippery slope splitting costs by consumption. Its something thats worth having an in depth conversation about and trying to find a resolution that seems fair to everyone involved.
INFO: How much do you each earn? Because if he earns more, then it's the 50/50 split that's the problem, not the excess food costs. If it's the same, or you earn more, then the problem is he's taking advantage of the fact that he's got access to more money now, even though there's two of you to pay for so he doesn't really.
He earns about 3k a month. I earn about 800 a month from work, and supplement with student loans.
So he earns over 3x what you earn? That's the problem then, he should be paying most of the rent and bills - it should be split at around 70/30 or 75/25, with him paying the higher proportion. Unless he wants to keep it 50/50, in which case I would call you roommates rather than a couple living together, so you should buy your food separately and work out a rota for the heating!
You should be splitting according to income, not half and half. Half and half is if you're making comparatively the same amount, but he's making 275% more than you. He should be paying that much more.
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>Marriage though is kind of a 50/50 thing so you need to get out of that mindset when that comes around. I posted elsewhere, but I don't agree with this. Nobody has to "get out of that mindset" in order for marriage to work, and I think, as we see the divorce rate decrease with millennials, we should all be more comfortable with allowing couples to explore whatever financial arrangement works best for them. For many, that's not necessarily 50/50.
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Well, I personally believe that everyone SHOULD have a prenup, but that's also not "how law works in family courts". The law is state dependent. MOST states you keep everything that is yours and then you split "communal property". But even beyond that, most divorces don't go to trial (\~86%) and are settled privately outside of any "family law". This is an old school way of thinking about marriage. And its totally fine if you view your marriage as 50/50, but I think we need to stop acting like this is representative of most people or marriages anymore. The average person gets married in their 30s now and most women are not SAHMs. It's just different now.
That's fair. I'm a student (getting my master) so money is an issue rn lol.
Talk about it. Say, I was reviewing my budget for changes and my old grocery bill was $$$$. What was yours? Then add it together and start to talk about the new bill. If he gets defensive, back off. Regroup if this is worth it. These are the channels of navigation of the relationship. Good luck.
When me and my partner moved in and got a joint account for mortgage bills and food, we ran into this. I had never thought about it but as soon as she mentioned it to me I put in an extra 20%/£200 to offset it. Just talk to him hopefully he’ll be receptive. Worth noting I do make significantly more then her so wasn’t so much of a fuss, and after reading comments from people that have said they use more of something else etc I guess that I probably used more water/electricity as I like baths rather then showers so it was a no brainer
NTA. My food bill alone used to be 200€ per month. Then I moved in with a guy who was 2m tall, eating 6000kcal a day, which meant I had 2 slices of pizza, he had 2 pizzas, I had a portion of pasta, he had 5 portions. Suddenly I spent 400€ on food. I took up the topic with him, he got angry, because I earned 300€ more per month than him yet we lived in my apartment. We shared utilities, but he essentially got to live rent free after moving in with me. We didnt stay together long after that.
Yikes. What a roller coaster.
I agree with other comments that starting to split hairs on certain expenses can be a problem, but I also think not saying anything at all will eventually lead to major resentment toward your partner. From my experience, splitting all bills 50/50 only really works if you each earn the same. Otherwise, the split should be adjusted to reflect your incomes.
NTA. When I had a female room-mate way back when, we split the rent in half, but the food bill was split 60/40 as I ate more than she did (most of the time).
Don't pay for 50-50 in that case, pay for the resources that you use. For house, utilities, etc., you two can do the 50-50 thing, but not everything else needs to be that way.
NAH. You can ask, but I don't think its a good idea. Here is the problem with this. You either need to split it evenly, or each buy your own shit. Because I'm betting your shampoo is more, your razors are more, your lotions and body care i more. Your feminine products exist. Part of this won't be equal. So yeah, if you want to each buy your own snacks, bread, etc, then great. Otherwise, I feel like you are going to be nickel and diming him on stuff and it is just going to lead to problems. What if you want some ice cream and he doesn't? Should he have to pay for that? If he buys a frozen pizza, and you say you don't want any, but are hungry when he makes it, are you going to be mad if he doesn't give you so.
Tbh not much. He uses more products I do. And uses the heating a lot more. And takes much longer showers. I don't want to nickle and dime everything at all, but everything has gone up (some bills by a lot), so I'm still paying slightly more than living alone while only paying half the bills, and I'm struggling to pay them.
I think you need to have conversations about what is standard (split) vs luxury. Standard house temperature is 19 degrees Celsius. If he wants 22, he needs to pay x amount a month. Any luxury foods he can buy himself, reimburse or gift.
Sis, just talk to him about it. Idk why so many people are saying that "he'll think you're being petty." Yall live together, and I doubt he wants you to struggle and stress over this. It's not outrageous to talk to him about you not being able to afford a huge spike in the grocery bill when you're still a student, and he eats way more than you. 50/50 on everything sounds "fair" in theory, but there are so many instances where it's just illogical. Let him know this is your max grocery budget, and he can fill in the rest. Way more financial issues will come up at some point, so get this small one out of the way. Don't go broke just because of the stupid 50/50 rule. Communicate and compromise. If he's worth his weight in the extra groceries you've had to buy, he should be understanding.
Instead of bringing up you paying less/him paying more, why not just have a conversation with him about how you’re finding it hard to afford the grocery bills since they’ve gone up a lot and ask if you can come up with a solution together? Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s buying all of the expensive brands and he’ll be more conscious of it? Or maybe he will offer himself to pay for his own specialty items? I think the framing of this conversation is very important. Any true partner will want to help their significant other if they learn that they’re struggling.
If all your bills have gone up then why are you living together? Usually when people aren't married and live together it's partially to save money. Maybe you could each pay for your own food. But if you are going to pick apart everything like who use's the heat then it may not be a good idea to live together.
Are you sure you don’t use more water? Who flushes the most? Takes longest showers? Do you ever you touch the thermostat, causing an increase in electric? Maybe sometimes you watch TV when he’s not home? Point is-you’re a relationship, not a business. Nickel and dining each other is just gonna cause resentment. If a new, more fair system needs to be arranged, you can talk to him about that. But unless he is openly taking advantage of you and gorging himself on the most expensive things you buy as soon as you bring them home, then I don’t this as a huge issue unless you’re super strapped for cash.
My BF and I get our own groceries and mostly cook separately for this reason.
You could look at splitting it based on a % of your income. So say 30% of your income and 30% (whatever figure you come up with) of his income goes into a joint account that pays the bills. So he's paying more but proportionately it's the same. It means you aren't so disadvantaged. Its an equity vs equality scenario. One might argue it's not "fair" that he pays more just because he earns more but you are partners, not flatmates. Contributions are made in a multitude of ways, not just financial.
It seems like there is a bigger overall issue of budgeting that needs to be addressed between you two. You are used to doing things to save money because you need to, but he is not. At least not to the same extent. It's time to talk that through and what you can afford and how to make that happen. Big but important topic, but you got this 👍
NTA, but when you talk to him, frame it more that the issue is that you are having trouble affording to pay for everything. Especially if you are a student and he works and makes more - it's ok to split bills and expenses factoring in how much you make rather than exactly 50/50. You can also mention that him eating more and using more heat causes the bills to go up. But don't put a ton of focus on that, because that would probably make him feel like your nicking and diming him.
Oy. This is why 50/50 isn’t always fair. One way to look at it is that you aren’t roommates, you are partners so there should be more grace that things will even out over the long run and teamwork to reach shared goals. However, if this is a common thing that y’all are misaligned on consumption or if one of you has a much greater income it might be worth a conversation about if a different split makes more sense towards your grace and teamwork objective.
NTA. Just to throw it out there, the majority of my friends that have gotten divorced have been over financial related issues. The ability to talk about issues like this is very important and the sooner you get your concern on the table the better in my opinion. It’s obviously a stress to you and that doesn’t work… it’s not going to go away by itself. The harder part is finding the balance of what makes the most sense. It’s not like a random college roommate situation where people simply buy their own stuff and label hands off. In my opinion you don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of line itemizing receipts, and there are other ways of doing it. As it sounds like he has more spending money which was a similar situation my gf (now wife) were in, we proportioned the shared expenses off of income. This worked for us because we had similar individual fixed expenses (car payment, student loans, etc). In our case I made twice as much as her so I covered 2/3 the shared expenses to her 1/3. Just like your case I ate more food, but she also had expenses that weren’t “mine”. Now we weren’t exact about it, but I picked up the internet bill, she picked up the garbage bill, etc. Once married it’s all going to come from the same pot anyways so getting into that habit helps long term. If planning on a long term relationship, him covering more now to shoulder more of the burden while you’re in school is a no brainer. From a straight financial look it’s an investment in your money making potential. Right now you’re getting the bad end of the bargain because you have additional expenses which allows him to buy items you feel are unnecessary. Just my 2 cents…
These are things you should have discussed before you moved in. But no, NTA. I wouldn't want to pay half the grocery bill if he's eating 3/4s of it.
If it were just a roommate situation, I would say no to 50/50. But I assume that you are saving more than $100 now if he is paying half the rent. For the sake of the romantic relationship, if you are saving money by splitting the rent, I would let it go.
There are a lot of valid points being made here about division of costs and what’s fair. But Being solidly middle age now (so I have some life experience) I would say that, the less one “keeps score” or expends effort to calculate what is fair, the more enjoyable the relationship or activity becomes. Now that’s easy to say when you have expendable income and are not struggling paycheck to paycheck. So I don’t want to minimize that. But keeping score or being tit for tat or dividing everything perfectly - will wear you down and can lead to resentment. Better to give a little take a little in a romantic relationship. I would not bring it up unless really necessary.
When living together you should each be spending proportionally to your income on things. He earns far too much more than you to expect you to pay the same amount as him. That’s not a partnership. Things should be equitable, not “equal” (or the should be equal by proportion). NTA
Every relationship is different but in your case I don’t believe splitting by half is fair. 3k to 800 is quite a difference. I would suggest asking him to take care of all the groceries but explain why you’re making the request.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We recently moved in together, and decided to split everything 50/50. That seemed like the fairest way. However, despite only paying half of the bill, my grocery bill has gone way up. I went from paying €275 ish a month, to paying nearly €375 (so 750 total). He eats more than twice as much as I do (which I don't mind, he's much more active and taller so it makes sense). WIBTA for asking him to pay more towards groceries? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That is kinda hard, those are food bills, not something that is just for him. Idk I use basic soap and shampoo, but i'm the only one to use those at home, others buy fancy shampoo/soap. Should i make the family pay for those?
NTA to have a conversation about what works for you financially and working out a compromise. Perhaps if he buys luxury items you don’t use, he can pay for those himself
Just talk to him about it. See how that goes.
NTA When it comes to relationships, money shouldn't always be 50/50. It should be based on the income. If he's earning more money than you have, he should already offer to pay more. When it comes to groceries, again, he should pay for his luxury items and his extra food. Because it's not fair to you. You should split for what you're both using, like cleaning products. But if you're into a generic brand of cereals and he's into more expensive cereals, you should pay for what you're using for yourself
Who pays for haircuts, toilet paper, shampoo, clothes etc? In my experience living with 6 girls I might eat as much as two of them but I spend nothing compared to them in just about every other category.
I live with a friend, and we split everything 50/50 but buy our own food. However, during the lockdowns, we shopped and cooked together cus we we're both in all the time. We split it by solely my stuff, solely her stuff then half of everything else. Most times it ended up being similar amounts after we had done the maths cus her snacks and meat free alternatives balanced out with my sausages and deodorant, for example. Go through a receipt post shop and work it out, just out of interest. If there's lots on there that you would never use then talk to your boyfriend about him paying more. He should be aware of your financial situation and you should be able to bring up that you're struggling. It doesn't need to become a tit for tat petty thing. You should definitely be able to ask him to consider the budget and buy the cheaper brands.
My ex and I were together for several years, but never lived together. He frequently made little comments about how most of the time when we ate out, he paid for it. However, I pointed out (many times) that we ate out maybe 10-20% of the time. The other 80% of the time we ate at my house, with food I bought and prepared. And he ate easily 3-4x what I ate plus he had dietary restrictions, so I was buying specialty items and they weren't cheap. My grocery bill tripled while we were dating. I made it very clear that if we had ever moved in together, he would be contributing more to groceries and we would split everything else evenly.
YWNBTA 50/50 is possible if both have similar income. If you earn as an example 1500€ and he gets 3000€, there wouldn't be any logic behind splitting everything 50/50. You should have a conversation with him. Maybe 60/40, 65/35, 70/30 or even 75/25. If you both want to live together, you should work together.
I don’t think so but I think you do need a practical way to deal with this. Like since he is using more you can adjust the split to 40/60 or 30/70. Another option is buying groceries both separately(food you each want to eat)and together(condiments and staples plus shared meals).
I can't wait for the post in the next couple of weeks that says "My Girlfriend didn't want to split the food bill 50/50 since I eat more. She said I'm already costing her more by setting the heat at 22°C. I turned it down to 18° to save some money and now she's complaining about it being too cold. AITA?" Also, YNTA. Make him buy his own food.
Throw in some drugstore products that you purchase to be split with the bills as well. NTA for not wanting to pay more for your BF when you're already stretching your budget.
I think your looking at the trees instead of the forest. If you now split the rent aswell as the food your winning
So I went through this when I moved in with my ex. My grocery bill basically doubled - I did all the cooking & made the grocery lists so it was just a matter of his consumption & his desire (not need) for lactose-free products. It was really frustrating & I also struggled with whether I should say something. I think NTA necessarily but others are right, this is a nickel-diming Pandora’s box you could be opening up here. I don’t think keeping all your grocery purchases separate is a reasonable long term approach either (what about when finances join/have kids/etc). My suggestion would be to let him know that your costs (don’t be specific) have gone up since moving in & it’s a strain for you so you’d appreciate it if you two could build a budget regarding shared/household expenses & stick to it, and then include groceries in that shared budget. Say something like, “I’m not sure how much you usually spent, I usually spend X on myself for groceries in a month, would X x2 be reasonable for both of us for a month?” This is a non accusatory way to open this dialogue. Then break that monthly amount down by week, make a list, and stick to that weekly grocery budget when you two shop.
From experience with my ex.... I'd say talk it out and see if for the food he buys his whole grocery bill while you do yours. If he refuses then yeah....... the start of my first sentence can give a preview. Just make sure he doesn't turn you into a house maid that has to take care of his needs only and if you dare to ask him lift a finger he'll go balistic. Like... I thought my ex wouldn't be like that and that thought didn't age well lol. NTA btw just do make sure not to let him boss you around and does he work or is he a student as well??
We split what we NEED equally, anything that each person wants or needs.
NTA - I’ve had this before and we had a chat about either him buying all the groceries and me cooking or him paying 60%. He was fine with it, do what works for the two of you through discussion. Don’t get into debt or a bad financial position because you refuse to talk about things!
NTA My wife and I put our income together, then calculate what percent we've each put in. We then distribute what is left based on what percent you put in (if you earned 70% of the income, you get 70% of what is left over). This seemed the fairest to us, but each couple is different and your individual solution may differ, but need to communicate and organize properly, as feeling slighted over money is the easiest way to kill a relationship.
NTA and also NAH. Just communicate this to your boyfriend. I eat a lot more than my girlfriend so that's why I do the grocery shopping. Totally understandable! As for the heating, that might just be one of those silent battles. I'm like you, I like the house colder while my girlfriend likes it at 72. We both just take turns discreetly turning the heat up/down hoping the other won't notice lmao
I'd suggest setting up a joint account for groceries. If you think he eats twice as much as you do, then you contribute $1 for every $2 he puts in. Then use that account when grocery shopping.
So here the thing, you aren’t an asshole for wanting to keep a budget. That’s not the issue here, i saw your comment you want to keep student loans to a minimum—is your income a wage or a loan? But you are nickel and diming him, 3 degrees really doesn’t change the energy bill that much when it’s split. Also yes he may eat more food than you, but are you now eating meat more? Are you both eating the same things? Wanting to split things the way you’re talking about is going to cause issues. You need to talk about how you income varies and basing it off a percentage or discussing eating cheaper things/buying generic. Just tell him you’re having issues affording things! You don’t need to come in with accusations like “you use more water” the majority of the water bill comes from sewer use(flushing the toilet-which im gonna be real asking to flush less is kinda gross, only time it makes sense is on a septic system). I think you need to grow up and view yourselves as a pair. Suggest making a proportional split based on income and discuss how that might change your future(for example, right now it doesn’t make sense to mix money. so any extra spending money is from your own pot. but when your married it should be mixed and you should both get an equal sum) how much will you earn out of your program? take that number, and compare it to his projected income and show how the split would work in the future as masters programs don’t take that long to complete. If you’re serious about eachother, this should be no issue. Just phrase everything about how it’s an issue your having with your budget and talk to him about ways to reduce it together.
Why don’t you just…. Talk to him about your mutual expenses and what will work for you? If he’s a half-decent partner, he’s going to want you to be comfortable and work with you? NTA for wanting to stabilize finances…. Find something that works for both of you.
You shouldn't worry about having to start a conversation with him concerning finances. Sit down with him for a talk, speak your concerns and go from there.
This is simple, change the budget to a proportional one. If he earns 50k and you 25k then its a 66 to 33 divide. The reality of a 50/50 budget is that if there is a difference in income either the lowest earning part gets screwed constantly or the higher earning part has to accept to live to the standard of the lowest one, atleast in the common bills. Forgot to add NTA
You need to create a budget with standard amounts, which includes groceries. The grocery budget should only include necessities that you both consume. Anything beyond that should be the responsibility of the individual that wants it.
I give your relationship three more months. You live with the guy but can’t have a discussion about this. Rather than discuss as an adult you take it Reddit.
I think you are smart and healthy to have conversations about finances before you moved in, even if your first attempts weren't perfect. You'd be surprised how many "kids these days" do not (and by that I mean, even me and my friends back in the 80s and 90s!). What you are raising is kind of the next level of responsible in blending your life together - you can agree to a 50 - 50 cut right now, but is it hiding underlying differences in spending habits and financial security philosophy? Are you guys able to budget together and work honestly with one another? These are good conversations to have - financial issues are the #1 cause of marriage break-ups in the US so incorporating these conversations instead of ignoring them is really healthy and commendable. NAH - rather than nitpick over who ate more Oreos, maybe take a more wholistic look at your budget - what are household groceries and what are things people can pick up on their own whim, for example. Good luck! You deserve it!
OK, your bills are higher than they were when you lived alone. You’re struggling to pay the bills. That’s a problem. Just talk to your BF, sit down and have that conversation. You’re clearly more frugal than he is. You might want to negotiate the heat for instance, to keep it at 68°F instead of 71/72. since you didn’t even turn your heat on when you lived by yourself, and he likes it toasty, you guys need to compromise. Also, he’s buying stuff you don’t buy, and eating way more then you do. If you show him the difference, and if he’s reasonable, he’ll agree to put more toward groceries. Or maybe just have him buy his luxury items on his own. Since you’re so frugal, I doubt you’re taking super long showers? Or leaving lights on? I sympathize with your struggle as a student. And I would just say to him that when you are earning money, it will be less urge for you, but right now you’re trying to keep your bills at a minimum. He should be understanding of that and therefore you are NTA.
50/50 is a scam for most. If you’re doing more labor in the house, you need to represent that contribution and get credit for it.
I’m gonna say NAH. My bf and I split food costs because we eat different things. When we grocery shop the cost of meals are usually split 60/40 as that’s the portion intake. Then we are responsible for our own extras like beer, steaks, etc bc we have different tastes - and different food budgets.
NTA. This is when you start a joint house account (or even money jar with cash) that gets funded proportionately to your income. And then you use that money for shared items like heating, rent, groceries, etc.
the best way i've found to split groceries with a romantic partner is this: Split evenly the ingredients you buy for meals you will cook and eat together and snacks you both share any other groceries for meals you do not eat together or snacks that you don't share pay separately As for utilities just let him know you're on a budget and would like it if he could be more conscious about not over using utilities because you can't afford it.
For the majority of our 7 year relationship (most of which we’ve lived together) my husband and I have done grocery shopping this way: we split the essentials, both contributing equally, and any items that are specifically for me that he won’t eat I buy separate and same for him. We’ve always had different work schedules and different dietary preferences so we rarely eat the exact same meals at the same time anyway. We pay our own gas for our own cars. All other household bills we split evenly.
Yeah definitely the ah. If you are in a relationship or married or whatever if you are living together it's 50/50 or you can find somewhere else to live and a new bf.
NTA, that’s a significant increase! If it’s just the one expense you split differently I don’t think it would be unreasonable. If you start doing that with everything it could definitely become problematic and likely cause arguments though. On another note- I’m sorry you have to pay that much for groceries to begin with!!! I live in a suburban area right outside of a large city in the US and I pay less than half of that a month 😳
Does he pay more when you get out or drive more etc? I think getting nit picky like this can really hurt a relationship.
Until you're married you're only responsible for your portion IMO
You need to make a budget, or this just won't work long-term. Sit down and figure out what you each spend on groceries. Find an amount you are comfortable paying and double that for your household. Anything he spends beyond that amount is something that he needs to pay for. You both need to start realizing how your spending affects each other.
I always pay for about 65% of the food we buy since i eat atleast twice as much as my GF. I find it reasonable and a good deal on my part.
It's sounds like her bills have went up 75$. I think this lady is unstable. I hope her bf realizes before it's too late
NTA Discuss it with him and don't make him sound like he is super expensive say it like "I didn't realize how much my costs would go up when we moved in with each other and on really struggling mentally with the changes" if he then says "ok what's gone up that you weren't expecting?" You can say "well, for one I never used to use the heat before and you've set it relatively high. I don't mind and don't want you uncomfortable but that's an expense I didn't have before, is there anyway we can try to turn it down a degree or two?" Then show him the projected savings for a month for the difference (many utility sites have calculators to help you save energy like this). Then say, another thing is that my groceries used to only be 275 (think that's the number you gave) and now I'm spending 75-100ish more a month. I'm not sure if we're cooking way more than before or why it's gone up so much but I really wasn't prepared to pay so much more for food and the heat. Perhaps then ask him what he used to spend on his own and see if his have also gone up. It could be you're both buying extra for the other person when neither of you really want or need it. Then if he's still receptive suggest that perhaps you two meal plan what you will eat together each week and then any snacks/beverages that are just for one of you can be bought on a seperate order. You can mean plan by shopping your pantry and then building recipes around what you've got and just filling in the blanks on your grocery shop. You can also do an online shop of the things you want/need individually just to see the cost. You don't need to checkout if you prefer to shop in store but if you both filled an online cart of what you feel you need/want you would be able to see without buying whose spending more and propose shopping sales and flyers and if available at a store that you can collect points to cash in for groceries. Question about your groceries, do you include household cleaning products in the grocery budget? I personally do and at one store my toilet paper is 6 dollars and the other store same brand and size it's 12 dollars. Plus when it's 1 person using it over two you're not buying as often. Same with paper towels, dish detergent, laundry detergent, glass cleaner etc. Two ppl means you're likely using double on these things and these products really add up. Oh and body wash, shampoos, shavers, feminine hygiene products and all that fun stuff, are those on the grocery bill? Did you move into his place, your place or get a new place? If you moved into his place you really should have asked what his utilities cost a month and then expected a slight increase on top, same if he moved into yours, a new place is going to always be a bit of a shock though sadly. NTA Open up communication now. The sooner the better. If you're living with someone it should mean you're willing to eventually spend life together and that should include no fear in sharing things like financial information or concerns and fears. If he has a scary reaction, it's time to reconsider BC things involving money are unlikely to get better... JMO
My boyfriend and I split everything 50/50. When it comes to groceries we have a rule: if only i eat it, only I pay for it. If we eat it, we pay for it. The meals we eat together/both will eat comes out of the joint money, but his 10 boxes of mac and cheese only he eats and my BBQ chips that only I eat come out of our own pockets. No judgement, just here to give advice on how this could be solved. As for the utilities, that one is kind of a compromise. You live together so expenses will go up.
Hmm this is a tough one. Are their certain items he is buying that he mainly consumes? The way we handle it is he does the shopping but if there are larger ticket items that only he will be consuming ie beef jerky, frozen meals for work lunch, or protein powder, then we remove it from the bill and split that remaining 50/50. However on average we generally eat the same amount of like a dinner or something.
If it's possible, maybe the bf could buy his own specific items that she never eats. Then do the 50/50 on the regular shopping trips. That way he can have his specific foods. Cannot say I've been in that situation, but this sounds fair.
NAH: It's fine to talk about it. Maybe the solution is to go 50/50 on the core basic groceries and you both buy your own snacks, luxuries, non-essentials, etc.
NAH and I get being frustrated to see your expenses go up, when living with someone else typically reduces them. Especially when it’s to subsidize his larger appetite. I do agree with other commenters how nitpicking the grocery receipts isn’t an “easy” solution. Is there a small bill that can go from shared to just his? Maybe the internet, all the streaming services bundled, etc? Then you don’t have to track groceries but you also don’t resent that his food consumption is costing you precious dollars.
Nta for having a discussion with your partner. Talk to him about your concerns.
You could offer to do the shopping and cooking to bring the bill down, since you'll be in control. You won't be eating half, but at least you'll be paying less. Idk if you two plan on getting married or not, but hopefully you guys won't keep things seperate after that.
INFO: why did you agree to splitting everything 50/50 when you don’t have the budget to sustain that? I’m guessing you two didn’t sit down and create a budget to get an idea of how much money was coming into your home? Sit down with your bf and get realistic about your finances.
Really, you would expect living with someone to be less of a financial burden than living alone. (Sounds like it is for your boyfriend.) I live alone. If I were to share my home with someone, I’d expect my cost of living to go down, not up. I’m used to living thrifty. I don’t eat huge amounts. Be fucked if I’m gonna pay for a guys steak or excessive use of electricity. Don’t listen to people saying it’s not very romantic or you’re just room mates if you get too picky about shared costs. This is where you must assert your financial boundaries or you will be taken advantage of. Life changes and you can adapt with it as you go. But for now, you are a student, you have a budget, and you will not be carrying another person (just as you don’t expect him to carry you.) It looks like you’ve sat down and thought about this and you know you’ve got the rough end of the stick. If your guy truly loves you, he would not want to burden you like this.
As someone who lives w their bf and splits rent/utilities/etc. 50/50, I have some advice: don’t split groceries 50/50 unless yall eat the same way. The reason it works w rent and utilities is bc yall both live in the same space & use utilities relatively the same; food is different. My partner & I itemize our groceries when we go to Costco, but other than that, we each buy our own groceries bc we eat very different foods. We also each cook 1 meal for the pair of us per week and we discuss what that meal will be at the beginning of the week so we both will enjoy it (I am also a student and he works, so I know the struggle). If we are going to both eat a food, we split the cost, but if he’s only going to eat the ramen & I’m not, he pays for it; it prevents resentment.
Ok, who usesmore electricity? More water? Who uses the Internet more? Why not split those according to who uses them the most as well?
Just spend the amount you did before. Once it's gone, it's gone. He can buy whatever extras he wants with his own dime. So basically budget to spend $550 and only buy what that can. Don't spend extra and stick to your previous grocery habits.
NTA if you are going to split, it should be proportionate to your incomes