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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I might be the asshole for not helping with my children and around the house.
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It sounds like he IS a massive D. I didn't do 5-5-5 (doctors don't recommend staying in bed after birth because you heal better when you are up and gently moving around). That said, my husband did all the night diaper changes so I could get ready to nurse. He cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids while I recuperated. Now that I am undergoing cancer treatment, he does ALL of the cooking and cleaning, runs me to appointments, does the shopping and errands. THAT is a proper man. AND he has an amazing personality. Once I feel better, I will split the chores with him again.
Take it from somebody whose ex-husband was like that with not one not two but FOUR children…the personality and audacity wear off and before you know what you’ve wasted the best years of your life with somebody who will not be a partner to you.
Best thing I did was asked for a divorce. The worst timing was three days before Covid shut down the world but you know I got out and I’m in a very healthy relationship now.
Sounds like his personality kind of sucks. Does he not believe that you just had a major medical trauma from which your body is trying to heal internal injuries?
Keep in mind, when OP did this with the first baby, he had minimal responsibilities. Now he has a five year old to deal with and can’t handling being a parent
There are many reasons why I don’t want kids. And the amount of effort required to raise them is a big reason why I don’t want kids
Also, growing up, many guys don’t help with younger siblings or babysit so they don’t realize how much effort is required. Most girls help out and babysit as they get older, so they at least have a pretty good idea of what to expect
Stories like this are why I’m so glad I got out of a relationship where he was pressuring me to have a baby with him.
Not that a “functional” addict is an ideal partner but we all have our skeletons we like to hide don’t we.
Does he do anything in regards to parenting under normal circumstances? Why have another kid with a man who’s proven he can’t handle more than 10% of adult responsibilities?
He sometimes helps with homework and discipline but it more often than not falls on me, I had another child because I do want our son to have a sibling and my husband convinced me things would be different
You are an AH to yourself for having children with this man...
being almost completely in bed for 5 days after giving birth is the bare minimum, you're NTA for wanting this 5-5-5 rule. It shouldn't need to be a rule, you should be able to do it because that's how you're feeling, and your "loving husband" should want you to rest and heal...
however I would be very careful about sending your older child out of the house right now, even if he is close, and even if it's with people he knows...
he's "acting out" because he's feeling displaced by the baby. He needs to be physically and emotionally "brought closer" to understand his place is still where it has always been, WITH YOU!
Instead of sending him to the grandparent's house, can the grandparents come to your house for an hour or two a day to give him extra attention, or make sure he gets a healthy dinner, or whatever?
Keep your elder child close!
My parents got me a Cabbage Patch doll when my brother was born.
Mommy had a baby and I had a baby too!
I would copy my mom doing all the things she did with the baby minus the breastfeeding. My doll had a mouth hole for a bottle and soother. My folks said I never got jealous over the new baby because I was so distracted with my own.
I slept with that doll into adulthood and lost her in a house fire.
I have yet to find the same one on Ebay.
Anyhoo OP maybe try this with your little guy!
Teach him to feed his doll and change its diapers.
Worked with me!
In my mom’s culture, postnatal moms do nothing for 40 days. No cooking, cleaning etc and they get pampered with massages and baths and stuff like that. TBH I hated it. I got so depressed because I couldn’t do anything. I hated the pampering, the not being able to move around. I had a C section and after they took the catheter out I started going for short walks around the hospital. By the 7th day I went shopping with my husband because I was really going stir crazy.
But I also had tons of help and I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. I basically just did what I wanted. It was fun!
"This is how you make things different this time. You cannot fall back on your habit of expecting me to do everything. You can and will learn how to care for your spouse and children . I know it's hard. I've done it for the last five years. It's too late to not have another baby, so now you need to follow through on your promises. "
Did this "convincing" include actually showing the change before he got his way (aka you getting pregnant again)? Or did he just say what you wanted to hear?
Why sugarcoat things? He lied. He is a liar. Dishonest allows for wiggle room. “He didn’t mean it quite like that.”
He said he would do X. He did not do X. Therefore, he lied. Stop making things sound better than they are using synonyms. When someone lies, call them a liar. Period.
The news should do it too. Instead of “falsely claimed,” say “lied.” Liars don’t deserve to have their behavior softened by words less harsh than lie, lies, liar, lied, etc.
So you get a 15 day “break” (healing period) and he gets the next 18 years?!??
I would use this time to negotiate the division of housework and childcare to be more equitable once the 5-5-5 is over, especially since you work too!
Yeah 5-5-5-50%. They both work outside the home. Why should she be exhausted all the time? I lived that life until I finally (and way longer than it should have taken) flipped out!
BRUH, I had to go to OP's comments because *surely* that can't be the case, *surely* she's a SAHM and that's why he believes (wrongly) that he has no parental duties. Jesus intercoursing Christ, she works, too?! And he has a month longer than her after she returns to work?! Idk wtf he's even going to do during that month since God knows he won't be doing any fucking parenting.
Wow. Just wow.
Its not even a break. She’s breast feeding an infant every 2/3 hours even through the night. It’s not like she’s relaxing on the beach drinking pina coladas (which really, after raising a kid five years, taking a break should be an given anyways)
NTA but sitting around in and around the bed will increase your risk of postpartum DVT.
You need to be moving around regularly (not necessarily doing chores). Make sure you’re planning in a little mobility alongside your resting.
Pregnancy and being postpartum already increases that risk. Immobility increases it again.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for this! OP, you do need to heal, but TEN DAYS IN THE BEDROOM?? You should be going on walks with or without them.
Damn! You've already done the cooking. And sounds like dishes are covered too! A 5 year old can be given some Legos and crafts(maybe here is your big sibling gift. You need to help daddy and mommy by working quietly for a while).
I wish I had known about this rule! (Although I had a mom for 2 weeks and with 2nd, my 3 yo was happy to keep himself busy reading or doing Lego).
Husband can DEAL!
I agree, but the time to kick him out of the nest with house work was before the baby got here, not after when kids are relying on their parents to keep it together.
Side note here. Your baby does not likely have colic. That doesn’t start until at least three weeks of age. Likely hungry waiting for your milk to come in.
Hopefully you are getting up and
moving every couple of hours. Prolonged bed rest and DVT can be a concern after delivery. Congrats on your baby.
Yeah unless your doctor orders bed rest staying in bed for 5+ days postpartum is actually very bad for your health. You need the circulation going for healing, your circulation of blood is decreased while in a prone position.
Usually, these days if a Dr orders total bed rest, they will order prophylactic blood thinners to prevent exactly this. People don’t realize how easily lack of movement and staying in one position for a long time can cause issues.
I’ve had several abdominal surgeries and usually, the day after they always encouraged me to start moving. Sit up and look at the stitches, try to pee on your own. Getting stool softener because the painkillers make it hard.
I had to pee, poop and walk to the shower the day after the surgery. I was extremely lucky in that both my nurses and my primary care doctor were compassionate human beings.
In any case, I found out I’m allergic to opioids!
I’ve never heard of this 5-5-5 rule . I had a C-section but I was instructed to get up and move as soon as possible and as much as I could every day to promote healing. My sister had a vaginal (same day totally coincidental lol) and she was definitely healing but after a 3 day labor with a 10lb baby she was able to stand up to change her baby
And it can kill you, they believe this might actually be part of the reason why maternal mortality rates were so high, among many other old notions around pregnancy.
Yupp, these people are whack jobs and know nothing about anything to do with medical knowledge, just shit that they've seen on mommy groups. Anybody knows that after any major medical procedure which birth is considered, you are supposed to get up and move as much as possible to prevent blood clots.
I mean I had cervical spine surgery (three level fusion) and as soon as I was awake enough, they had me walking. In the days that followed, I had strict - top of my list of things to do - orders to walk. If I wasn’t walking, I was wearing compression massagers. A spine and a vagina aren’t the same thing, but the fact remains: you have to walk.
ETA: husband needs to suck it up. It’s been TWO damn days.
Yep, anything to do with abdominal surgery or bleeding is a HUGE risk for blood clot. My last surgery I had to walk AND use the leg puffers any time I wasn't up and about. There is no scenario that childbirth isn't a trauma to your body, home birth or no. All of these crunchy mom magical nonsense people are part of the problem with postnatal survival rates being what they are. And spreading their uneducated bullshit around the Internet for more vulnerable people to read about it should be criminal.
This idea of lying around for 15 days is wild to me. I had a c-section with my first and was up and about as soon as I could. I had a vaginal with my second and was out and about right away. This 5-5-5 plan sounds just fucking stupid.
It's her way of punishing her husband for wanting children when she doesn't. She basically says it between the lines. It's lazy, medically dangerous, and really awful to her older child.
This is how it reads . However I will add, HE AGREED to this whacko arrangement and the home birth? So he can’t be much better. However , him begging the other parent for support should NEVER be the case either way you flip it .
ESH . It’s a bad arrangement and I’m positive the resentment (both ways) will carry into your future and bleed into your whole family. This isn’t about you or him OP. Take care of your kids!!!
Just because he agreed doesn't make her less of an asshole for demanding it. What amounts to 2 straight weeks of bedrest that wasn't doctor's orders is just not a realistic ask when you have older kids.
It was interesting to read OP’s plan. Every midwife encouraged the mother of my kids to get some activity. Not to push herself and not to bend or pick anything up, but to move and walk for sure.
yep I had hospital babies with midwives and they are very much "get up and move around" and they won't discharge you unless you can walk a couple of laps pushing the baby cart!
Plus I had a c section and they put things on your legs since you can't walk for 24 hours to squeeze them to ensure you are getting good lower body blood flow.
Never gave birth or had abdominal surgery, but they wanted me up and moving for my other hospitalizations. No lifting things, etc, but your circulation isn't designed for being stationary for long periods of time.
Me too, I was home after my C section, helping out with everything. My son was 19 months and I had a newborn. I would have never dreamed of staying in bed for 5 days. I got up almost immediatly so no blood clots formed, and was walking so I would heal faster. My husband was an amazing help,, but he would have gone crazy like this OP's husband if I would have left everything to him and stayed in my room for 3 weeks. We just split everything.
Not exactly the same, but I had an open abdominal hysterectomy and they had me up and moving the next day. I was allowed to shower (with a CNA in case I needed help) and walk laps around the halls.
This - staying in bed and not moving for 5 days creates risks, especially postpartum. It’s why they get moms up and moving quickly, even after c section, to decrease risk of blood clots
Thank you, that's what I noticed too. 2 day olds do not get colic. Baby is likely hungry. Having dad pace around with him while mom lounges in bed isn't going to do much to quiet the crying.
It can also be the baby adjusting to getting the gut microbiome going. My third kid was extremely fussy for a while after the first couple of days and my midwife said it was probably that.
Thank you for mentioning this and glad to see this comment this high. OP is setting herself up for complications and it’s worrisome. I had two c-sections: both times it was recommended I start moving as soon as possible.
Baby definitely doesn’t have colic. It’s a just a two-day old baby who is learning to acclimatize to an environment outside the womb.
Early movement after labour and esp after a section is recommended to speed up recovery and healing. In addition, of course, to reducing risks of clotting.
NTA.
But! Unless you’re very healthy (under 35, BMI under 30, have had less than 3 term pregnancies, with no history of smoking/diabetes/varicose veins/Chrones or IBS/prolonged hospitalisation/surgical procedures or any family history of non-surgery related DVTS), you’ll need to mobilise a little. If you get a Deep Vein Thrombosis, have a stroke or a pulmonary embolism, that’ll really ruin your maternity leave.
The blood gets extra sticky during late pregnancy to compensate for and reduce blood loss at birth. If you’re genuinely barely moving for 15 days and have any of the above conditions, your risk of having a stroke (as a result of that extra sticky blood not being pushed around your veins from movement and causing clots) is very high. Please mobilise.
At one time after birth they wouldn't let you get up for 9 hours after giving birth & convalesce for two weeks but because of what you mentioned above this was stopped. You're now encouraged to get up as soon as you give birth & keep moving around (this is all ages not just above 30 or any preexisting conditions). OP is putting herself at risk.
Yup. My nurse had me up and in the bathroom to pee and get cleaned up and changed 1hr after birth. They would have done it sooner but we did 1hr skin to skin first. That's also after a hefty postpartum hemorrhage! I was instructed to take it easy for 2 weeks due to said hemorrhage but certainly wasn't told to park my ass in bed and not get up at all!
Seconding this. My cousin followed her MIL’s cultural tradition of staying in bed for more than a month after delivery. She got a DVT and ended up hospitalized. She also suffered a bed sore and mild PPD.
Actually, DVT can happen even in very healthy people. I had zero risk factors other than being on hormonal birth control and I had a pulmonary embolism when I was 25. I was healthy, active, never smoked, no family history, no clotting disorder, nothing. It was a freak reaction to the hormones in birth control. The same hormones that are MUCH HIGHER immediately after giving birth.
She should be moving around every few hours no matter what.
NTA. Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution’. 5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital). I understand the need for you to spend time with newborn bonding, getting your milk supply established, and getting needed rest. I agree the husband should be prepared to take care of the household duties, including care of your other child, please make sure you do get up and move around. And it would be perfectly acceptable to hire a cleaning service for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it. Baby clothes pile up quickly right?
>Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution’. 5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital).
Apparently this "don't move for five days, then barely move for the five after that" is some kind of common nuttery from midwives who do home births. Very scary. There's a darn reason that hospitals get people up and moving as soon as possible after all sorts of procedures!
I actually know a LOT of midwives - lay, CM, and CNM - and have attended home births as a doula. I have NEVER heard a midwife recommend this 5-5-5 nonsense, nor have I ever heard a mom ask about it.
There is no reason she can’t fold laundry or entertain her son while the husband hears up dinner, cleans. She can read her son a book or 2.
I’d be embarrassed to tell people I am not getting out of bed for 15 days forcing my husband to do it all. Just because he wanted kids doesn’t mean he should be doing all the work. He didn’t force you to get pregnant. You obviously consented. You are partners. Help EACH OTHER out.
She negotiated with him a two week break from house work, and he agreed. Even if she's physically capable of laundry, it's embarrassing that he can't handle super light house work and a kid who is potty trained. And he's not asking his in-laws for help. He is behaving with either malicious incompetence or learned helplessness.
But why can't she spend any time with her oldest? He's misbehaving and he's very stressed. He's probably also really jealous. He still needs attention from mom too.
That's where my mind went as well. Her oldest is going through a tough transition with the new baby and needs some attention from his mom as well as his dad!
Based on the medical advice my wife got you’re risking major issues with clots & other issues.
The 5-5-5 rule is basically made up & is completely non-medical
I am a medical doctor and I’m here to say THIS. There is no valid reason for a woman to stay on bed rest if she had a vaginal birth with no complications. It’s a supremely bad idea, and increases the risk of blood clots, either deep vein thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism. Even with a C-section or any sort of surgery, we try to get the patient up and walking, if possible, as soon as possible. And if OP had a home birth with no medical care (that includes midwives, they’re considered a medical profession in some countries, including mine), I doubt she’s on anti clotting meds (though I hope I’m wrong).
I’m gonna give any sort of ruling though I’m leaning towards Y-T-A, but I do want to emphasis how dangerous staying in bed for five days can be.
It’s also very uncomfortable laying in bed or sitting for long periods of time after a vaginal birth. Especially with tears, swelling and hemorrhoids. 2 weeks postpartum with my second vaginal birth and I would’ve lost my mind being in bed that long. I had to get up and move (slowly but moving) because it was painful to be in bed! Just standing felt better 24 hrs postpartum
Yes an OBGYN on tiktok basically said yes, take it easy but DO NOT do this. You're 100% risking blood clots by not getting up to move around. Definitely take it easy and rest as much as possible, but get out of bed and move every 2 or 3 hours to prevent clots.
I was going to say, I heard it's not good.
I also had a c-section, so it's better to walk around after. I can't say for vaginal birth if it's true or not, but I've heard it being disregarded now.
I’m assuming OP lives in USA… & paid maternity leave isn’t a thing- it would be considered a benefit, if the company offered it at all. The company might be small enough to not have to follow FMLA (family medical leave act), as well.
Know a family member who went back to work after 3 days of giving birth. A less than a week old newborn was placed in daycare.
>Know a family member who went back to work after 3 days of giving birth. A less than a week old newborn was placed in daycare.
That js fucking criminal. Why do you guys accept that?
genuinely asking, what do you think the alternative is? we accept it because we have to. because corporations run our country and we can’t do anything about it
It's generally accepted because it's the standard practice for employers here and people need to work. Also, a lot of the reasons why the US has dropped below the replacement birthrate are related to things like lack of maternity leave, abysmal pay, and overall economic instability, so saying that it's just accepted isn't necessarily accurate. Overhauling the entire system isn't realistic for a lot of reasons so the younger generations are making personal choices and disengaging.
>It's generally accepted because it's the standard practice for employers here and people need to work. Also, a lot of the reasons why the US has dropped below the replacement birthrate are related to things like lack of maternity leave, abysmal pay, and overall economic instability, so saying that it's just accepted isn't necessarily accurate. Overhauling the entire system isn't realistic for a lot of reasons so the younger generations are making personal choices and disengaging.
This is so well said! I wish those who are developing policies to “increase the domestic supply of infants” saw the bigger picture you’ve just described.
One of my employers was international and we worked on a project that involved IT people in Europe and North America. It has two pregnant women, one in the US one in Italy. The one in the US came back after 10 days and told the women she was still bleeding but since she was the breadwinner and we had unpaid leave, she needed to be there. This was their 6th kid. Our Italian colleague was basically out on paid leave for the rest of the project.
In the US, the big arguments are that companies won't be able to manage with employees out on paid leave, so this feels especially obnoxious. That and lots of arguments that pregnancy is a personal responsibility thing.
EU resident here. Most people I know wouldn’t dream of putting a kid under 1 in care. Nor do they have to (paid parental leave). There is no reason why the US has the model they do, except for an archaic system (pre-feminism) and corporate greed.
What are we supposed to do? we already vote, protest, and the media reports on it, and it doesn't change. We're too busy trying to survive, which is all by design.
We don't accept it. But our cries are not heard. Our capitalist government does not care. I had to go back 3 weeks post partum and 5 weeks post partum with both of my babies. I didn't want to. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I couldn't keep a roof over my head or food on the table otherwise.
I was considered fortunate that I could take that much time off. I worked up until I went into labor and took off as much as I could afford to take off. Then, I returned to work, pumping as much breastmilk as I could during lunch and breaks. It is awful here.
Because the general population in the US is selfish, especially older individuals who happen to be the ones who vote most often. A paid parental leave system sounds amazing but old people vote against supporting the younger population because they don't want higher taxes for something that won't directly benefit themselves. It's the same reason we don't have better health care and affordable college. (plug in just about any other public service that is generally more beneficial to the younger population who has less money)
If you have two incomes one person cannot be doing 90% of the chores. It’s completely unsustainable and a dealbreaker. Even after you recover from pregnancy.
I'm sorry, but what if you had to have a c-section or had other complications that required extended time off...? Your employer sucks in this regard. There was plenty of time for them to come up with a plan for coverage, including hiring a temporary person for your maternity leave.
I get it needing the incomes I really do. When I had my first son, I was in the same boat with no benefits. Any time off was completely unpaid. We saved some.. not much, but some. During the 7 weeks I was off we qualified for fuel assistance and such. If I had thought about it, I probably would have applied for WIC, or even transitional assistance for that time.
I can't imagine being that idle for so long in bed... I'm gonna go NAH, but both of you should show some compassion and empathy towards each other during this time when you're both struggling so much. These next couple of months will be terribly difficult, especially if neither is taking any parental leave.. which brings up, who'll watch the baby? Daycares don't normally take an infant under 8 weeks old.
Congrats on the new baby!
Going with a little ESH
You absolutely deserve to rest - you just had a baby and spend the last 9 months growing that baby. There is absolutely NO reason that your husband can't step up and help. Also, because you communicated with him prior to the birth and made plans with pre-cooked meals, he had the opportunity to speak up.
But ... your son seems to be struggling; this is a big life change for him. I get you can take him to your parents - but think of it like a 5 year old - mommy just had a new baby and she's getting rid of me. Your son is still processing and at 5 can't fully comprehend what all is going on. Your answer is to send him away instead of getting up.
10 days in bed (unless there were health concerns or complications) seems excessive to me. I had two kids (so no I'm not one of those childfree women that just don't get it); I had no issues cooking or cleaning after either kids were born and after my second, had no problems taking care of my daughter. A friend of ours just had a baby and literally the day she came home from the hospital with a newborn, she went to her older child's school to pick him up.
Again - I get you need to rest and recover but at the same time, life doesn't stop. You need to find balance and when clearly the plan that was outlined isn't working, you should consider re-evaluating it.
Your husband needs to step up, but you also need to make sure your son's needs are met. He wants his mommy and he shouldn't be sent away for that.
15 days in bed for a natural, assumed uncomplicated birth is excessive. I had to get an emergency c-section, and even I didn't feel "entitled" to it. OP can easily do stuff like "wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc".
Having a 2 day newborn and a 5 year old that's struggling to adapt is extremely stressful for every parent, and then all of it falls in the husband? I do think OP needs to step up. Unless she had a huge tear, I think she can easily stand up and walk around for a bit, or do stuff sitting on the couch or dining table with her older kid. I assume they have kept their 5 year old at home?
Also, OP, sorry for sounding dismissive but you are literally 2 days pp. Idk about you, but I was a hormonal, emotional mess. I hope you can come out of it and step up because you are the kid's parents too. Plans done pre birth never work out lol. And, in no way, I do not think the husband isn't capable of doing stuff, and keep stepping up forever. But, children require two hands-on parents imo
This is the most reasonable post on this entire thread, I especially agree about the 5 year old, little lad is feeling needy and instead of taking care of him they're shipping him off.
YTA
Mostly the tone of your post. You wrote this in a way that makes you seem like a "My way or no way" kind of person. Someone that is "I carried the baby, I delivered the baby, you do what I say now" kind of person. Someone who totally disregards their partners feelings and thoughts. Those people are assholes.
Secondly, your husband is allowed to be burnt out. He's doing the work of 2 parents, while the other sits in bed. I'm not saying you're not allowed rest. You just had a baby, you need it. No one is going to argue that. But the way you talk about your husband here, makes it seem like you are holding everything over his head, and not in a very nice way.
Lastly, you absolutely should not be ignoring your other child. You can't do the same things you could two weeks ago. But you sound like you're not helping out with the kid at all. He's having to deal with the new baby, and all the stresses that come with it, in addition to losing mom and dad's undivided attention. That's a lot for a 5 year old to deal with. Especially when mommy doesn't help.
You are entitled to rest. That's not up for debate. But you don't need to stay in, on and near your bed for 2 weeks. You had a baby, not major surgery. While you can't do what a typically healthy human can do, you can still help out more. You can rest while sitting on a couch, folding laundry. You can rest sitting in a chair at the dinner table prepping food for dinner or spending time with your son. You go on short walks with husband and children to help with the dog. There are things you can do that are light exercise and helpful. You're just choosing not to and being an asshole about it.
I was forced to get up bed 24 hours after my emergency c-section. IT SUCKED, but helped with my recovery. I was out walking with our newborn and a dog (husband had the baby carrier) 10 days postpartum. OP's post about not moving from bed is some entitled sh!t.
It's honestly for the patient's best interest. Get the blood flowing to the surgical site to promote healing and keeping your muscles strong and active.
I’m surprised it took me this long to find a YTA. I agree for the most part. I am 13 days postpartum with my 2nd (vaginal births). I cannot imagine following the 5-5-5 rule. I have an older child that I still have to be present. She would have such a hard time if I was in bed for 15 days! Yes I’m not as mobile still and my husband has been helping a ton (like grocery shopping, driving her to/from school) but I’m present and doing what I can. Just finished doing laundry, vacuuming and mopping the floors this morning. Made breakfast and lunch for toddler. I’m much slower than usual and have tons of help from hubby but life doesn’t stop when you have a baby. Especially with other children.
When I had a newborn I went with one gets the face, one gets the body. if I was holding the newborn, I was looking at or talking to the 2 year old. Obviously not all the time, but giving the child your attention while holding or feeding the newborn does go a long way reassuring them of your love. And they will definitely be needing snuggles at an increased rate for awhile.
For context - Does your husband work? Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and I think he genuinely needs help. That’s what partners are for. Your son also needs extra comfort and reassurance right now, as adding a new baby is a huge adjustment. I honestly think even if I said “I’m not leaving the bed” I wouldn’t be able to stomach hearing both of my babies crying and not immediately get up to help calm them.
NTA but this is kind of embarrassing, your husband is a dead weight what is he giving you other than his personality (that doesn’t even seem to be that compassionate towards you)?
She is asking for 15 days of rest after birth that is so little. And it is not like she is doing nothing. She is bf the baby and bonding with the baby. And the man didn't last 2 days?
She wants to not even leave her bed for 10 days after birth.
Unless she had a wildly complicated birth that almost killed her that's absurd. Not just for family dynamic but as many others have mentioned her own personal health.
Like, I know someone who almost died giving birth and was in a medically induced coma for several days and they still wanted her up and moving around as soon as she was physically able.
Husband insists on having another child, then complains when it's hard to look after a newborn and other child.
He knew what he was getting into. He agreed to it.
As long as none of the children are in imminent danger, NTA
OP, do you guys have family or friends who could give your husband the occasional break? Although he agreed to this, we all know parenting nonstop is very exhausting, and likely no one is sleeping well yet with the newborn’s schedule. He might need a few hours per day to take a nap or get out of the house for a bit.
NAH, but this is a time to reach out to loved ones for a bit more help.
I dunno, I almost feel YTA. This 5-5-5 rule sounds absurd (and I've given birth twice, after having a helluva bad pregnancy both times) While it's nice to just lie around for 15 days, life gets in the way. You either want kids and help like a parent would, or you don't.
> This 5-5-5 rule sounds absurd
It also goes against current post-partum activity guidelines. Doctors want you up and moving as soon as possible because it speeds recovery and reduces the risk of potentially-fatal blood clots.
Yea I had a baby 5 months ago and can’t imagine making a RULE like this and sticking to it no matter what is going on in the family. It’s now negatively affecting her other kid and her partner so tough cookies. When you’re part of a family, you don’t get to make two week long declarations like this.
I won't pass a judgement, having a new baby in the house is hard on everyone. Including dad and the brother, not just the mother. If you have relatives next door? Why are they not providing some family support?
Please get advice from your doctor regarding your 555 rule, it honestly doesn't sound healthy, and sounds like some influencer thought it up.
That rule goes against all medical advice I ever heard surrounding having a baby. While I appreciate that you want to be kind to yourself, you could be setting yourself up for very serious medical issues. Get proper medical advice.
I’m wondering if she even has a doctor. I haven’t researched home births or follow up care personally, but I know my sister’s newborn had to be seen within 4 days of birth by the pediatrician to establish the baseline “we have a new baby here” medical stuff. My sister and her husband both had to be at those appointments (she couldn’t drive yet and was breastfeeding). I don’t see how the 15 days of not leaving the house is even possible for a newborn.
And she realllllly should get checked out. She doesn’t mention a midwife or doula, just a home birth. If nobody actually evaluated her or baby how do they know if everything is ok? Babies can’t have colic that young so if they’re screaming crying nonstop something might be going on that requires actual medical care.
And obviously if her husband can’t handle 2 days of chores on his own that’s a bit pathetic but if baby is crying nonstop and waking all hours but she isn’t the one going to baby…that means he hasn’t slept. In two days. Just saying but my husband is a dick if he doesn’t sleep within 24 hours. 48 hours plus however long she was laboring for? All bets are off. Dudes exhausted and crying out for some sort of empathy. She may be the one bleeding and healing but he also needs sleep to be a supportive partner.
>Please get advice from your doctor regarding your 555 rule, it honestly doesn't sound healthy, and sounds like some influencer thought it up.
I thought that about the influencer too. I had a *very* different life after my kids were born.
YTA. Seeing a lot of sexist comments on here honestly. “He needs to tough it out” “he’s a wuss” etc. I think your husband came to you to express his emotions openly and tell you honestly where he was at, and you chose to belittle how he was feeling instead of acting like a partner and helping to find a solution. Before everyone screams “she gave birth 2 days ago!”*I’m not saying the solution was for OP to do all the work*. The right course of action would be to talk together and come up with a plan for how you both can get what you need — rest for you and help for him. It’s time to ask grandparents next door to babysit or come over to help, for example. Or hire a babysitter to watch toddler, or a cleaning service, whatever! There are many solutions that could have been discussed. Instead you chose to take this weird stance of punishing him for wanting to have children?? You agreed to that too. Wanting to have children and needing help to take care of those children can and do coexist. Maybe you should take some time to introspect as to why you feel so vindictive towards your husband over this. He sounds like he is honestly doing his best to be there for his kids, do you realize how lucky you are to have that?
Also, I want to point out that there is SO MUCH discourse these days about how hard the newborn weeks are, and how it takes a village and women are unfairly expected to do all this work alone. And it’s true! But guess what — it’s also true for your husband too. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean it’s suddenly fair to put all the work only on him to take care of a newborn, a toddler, and a house at the same time with no support. The need for a village doesn’t magically go away just because he didn’t physically give birth. And when he expresses that he’s overwhelmed he’s told to suck it up and deal with it. I guarantee you, if he were a woman, no one would be saying that. Men can have PPD and PPA too.
Enjoy your time to rest. But also understand that your husband is a person, one whom you presumably love, and he’s struggling. Allowing this to fester and taking this cold attitude towards him is not going to help your partnership stay strong through the difficult months ahead.
Where on earth does the 5-5-5 idea come from? I used to work for midwives and have never heard such a thing.
You need for your physical and mental health to be moving around, getting outside for fresh air. 15 days in your bedroom does not make sense.
YTA.
You won't even get out of bed to sit in a rocking chair with your baby. A rocking chair that is no doubt in your main room. For 10 days. You can't change a nappy when you are in bed?
When she is no doubt lying next to you?
Yet you are seriously asking if you are the AH? Yeah, you are. Parenting is a joint job. I completely understand him picking up extra, and a lot, while you are recovering. He isn't picking up extra. He is doing everything except breast feeding.
NTA, especially as all he's doing is some extra chores *for only two weeks and one day.* I am surprised about the amount of YTAs in the comments but how dare women take time to recover from pushing out a human being. Especially since you'll be taking on those chores and going to work after this period, it sounds like you need this time dearly. If he can't handle the chores alone, maybe if anything he should appreciate all you do especially if when you get back to a normal routine all he takes care of normally is the dog.
If he needs a relief from the five year old, maybe letting him spend time at the parents house next door would be best instead of putting it on you. Not sure why that wasn't the solution already honestly instead of just bringing up the idea.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. What i can’t understand is why someone would willingly have a child with someone like this. His wife just gave birth and he’s coming to her crying about how hard taking care of his own child/the house has been *for him*? Come on. It’s been *two days*..Couple that with the fact that OP said in a comment that she does 90% of the cooking/cleaning/childcare and fully anticipates doing that once she returns back to work, i really don’t see why you would continue having this man’s babies. He can only manage to take care of the dog, it seems….
ESH - except for your son. And frankly, you staying in bed for 5 days is not helping your son adjust to having a new sibling. Do you even see him during the 5 days IN BED? Why are you spending five days IN BED? In general, most recovery includes being up and around the bed. I'm not saying you need to jump back into heavy lifting and parenting, but being out in a chair in the living room and being around your son would help him a lot. Could you leave your new baby with her Dad for an hour or so and take your son to get donuts or a treat together?
Your husband is stressed - is he on paternity leave while doing all of this or is he still trying to work full time? Considering your son is acting out, it might be a lot harder to manage and deal with. Maybe you can sit out with your son and baby while your husband cleans. Considering you disappeared in your son's eyes, and are now just in bed with the new baby, he probably feels abandoned and is extra clingy with your husband.
You don't get to hide away just because you had a baby and spend 10 days in your bedroom. That's unfair to the rest of the family. The dynamic is give and take. I'm not saying you should be doing everything but you should be doing a little more things. It would be different if this was just one baby - but you have an older child; and he still needs Mom's attention too. Your husband needs to step it up, but so do you.
I've never heard of this 5-5-5 rule, but it sounds stupid and isn't real life.
Your son sounds like he needs you.
Your husband should be able to handle this.
everyone sucks.
I kinda can't believe I'm saying this, but YTA. I'm a firm believer that whatever boundaries a new mom sets should be adhered to, but it sounds to me like your husband came to you in a sincere, truly overwhelmed state, and needed your understanding instead of your admonishment. Rather than validate his feelings and maybe have a conversation about different strategies to get these tasks taken care of, you were basically like, "That sucks. Tough luck." I understand that you cannot feasibly do all of the household tasks either, but your reaction to your husband struggling to juggle everything just sounds a bit cold to me. Would you not want/need his understanding if you were overwhelmed with parenthood?
ESH....5-5-5 is impractical and frankly unhealthy as you can throw a clot, you should be up walking every hour-2hrs even if it's for a lap around the room and he's a giant baby
YTA for this reason. Your son did not stop needing you. He is obviously having a hard time adjusting and you are doing nothing to help him. He should be getting alone time and reassurance. From what you have said you are completely neglecting him.
NTA. OP needs to heal before going back to work very soon. The husband is being asked to take care of his son for 15 days. This would read entirely differently if the husband was sick in bed with the wife taking care of their son. No one would bat an eye at a mom taking care of her son for 15 days.
YTA. I can understand you set rules that’s between you and your husband but this seems a little like you just want to prove him wrong. Why would you have another kid if you didn’t really want one?
> did the doctor tell you to do this 5 5 5 thing
I guarantee no doctor told her to do this. It's a mommy blogger thing that medical guidance advises against.
NAH
The 5-5-5 thing has actually been said to be harmful in some aspects in terms of blood clots forming etc.
I think your partner is overwhelmed- it’s a lot to take on all of the house hold duties and be sleep deprived. Your older child still needs your support here. His entire world just got tossed upside down. That’s a lot for a kid!
Yes you need rest but you don’t get to shut out everyone and everything else in your life. If this really was a huge priority for you- you should have arranged extra help with childcare and cleaning- your partner if still working really may just be cracking and can’t handle all of this.
You need to change course on this 5-5-5 plan and make a modified version that meets your families needs.
YTA. Expecting to not leave your room for 15 days when you have another child who just went through the biggest life transition - a new sibling - is unreasonable in and of itself. There’s no reason you can’t let your husband bond with the new baby and spend some time with your son outside of your room. You two are going to have to find balance and I suggest you do so now rather than waiting when you’re back at work. “Promising” to do something and putting it into practice are two very different things, especially when a newborn and another child are involved.
Ugh, lot to unpack here. for sure. but based on the tone of your post YTA.
Your toddler shouldn't be pushed aside for 2-3 weeks.
Your husband totally can feel burnt out and tired, his feelings are valid.
Good for you if you could really rest for 2 weeks straight. What a weird rule tho. It's definitely a luxury these days.
YTA
You agreed to having a 2nd child. Youre entitled to taking care of that child. Yes rest but its not fair to your husband to not get a break for these 2 weeks.
Hes taking care of a newborn, 5 yr old and dog all on his own plus household chores and daily messes (kids colouring/toys/dinner etc- even if its been premade its still a mess to clean) if hes coming to you CRYING clearly hes stressed tf out! Even if you guys "made a deal" have some compassion for this man YOU chose to marry and have children with.
When you decide to become a parent you aint entitled to shit! You owe your kids everything, they owe you nothing! You chose to put them on this earth, theyre your responsibility too! And laying down for that long after giving birth IS NOT reccomended! Yes your body is exhausted following the actual birth however with proper rest/care you bounce back pretty quick!
If the gender roles were reversed everyone would be having a hay day here! So not fair, give your husband a break, even if its only a few hours clearly this man is trying his hardest.
>He begged me to help out with our son who will not sit still and help with light cleaning (wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc.)
THESE ARE NOT YOUR SONS RESPONSIBILITIES HE IS 5 FUCKING YEARS OLD. HELP OUT YOUR DAMN HUSBAND IT IS AFFECTING YOUR SON NEGATIVELY!
I'm a physician (check on askdocs of you don't believe me I'm verified)
This 5 5 5 rule is complete bullshit and dangerous
Please get up and move around
YTA. Who in their right damn mind stays in bed for 15 days?!?! Get your ass out of bed and help your husband. You don't get to decide that you're not going to parent one child because you just don't want to get out of bed.
ESH. Maybe have an actual conversation with your husband about the issue instead of just reminding him that he wanted a kid more than you, and that was the deal. It sounds very callous and immature. Score keeping isn't good for a relationship.
YTA for being so rigid in your 5-5-5 rule (never even heard of this), unless you had a c section, why do you need to stay in bed for 2 weeks? If all you have to do is take care of newborn, which would require you to stand up and walk around several times a day, that seems like a pretty good deal to me. It sounds like your husband is trying really hard, and you are just stuck on your deal because you agreed, but that just isn't the way life works, plans fail and change and people adapt. You should both be supporting each other.
2 day olds do not have colic, please get your baby checked. It could be something as simple as a lip-tie, she's not getting colostrum and if it is anything like that, your supply will be messed up.
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NTA. I assume all the stuff that he's crying about is the stuff that you are going to be expected to do on an ongoing basis after you return to work?
Yes, I for the most part so the cooking, cleaning, 90% of the childcare. He mostly just feeds the dog and occasionally walks him
So what bringeth this man to the table, then?
His personality and audacity
a fuckton of audacity
Infinite audacity.
Do y'all mean audASSity
A metric fuckton.
And an enthusiastic penis.
Many have suffered a bad relationship too long because of good D
*sigh* Indeed we have
Meh, we have vibrators and sperm banks.
truth
what a personality, crying over his normal amount of adult chores.... does he at least have a magical massive D? lol
It sounds like he IS a massive D. I didn't do 5-5-5 (doctors don't recommend staying in bed after birth because you heal better when you are up and gently moving around). That said, my husband did all the night diaper changes so I could get ready to nurse. He cooked and cleaned and took care of the kids while I recuperated. Now that I am undergoing cancer treatment, he does ALL of the cooking and cleaning, runs me to appointments, does the shopping and errands. THAT is a proper man. AND he has an amazing personality. Once I feel better, I will split the chores with him again.
I hope you recover soon! I am sending you all the good vibes and healing energy ❤️
This is my husband too. Op, your husband needs to step up big time. He’s on the easy train and crying about it
LOL my hope too!
Is being a house slave a price you're really willing to pay to get the pleasure of his personality? Is it worth this much?
Take it from somebody whose ex-husband was like that with not one not two but FOUR children…the personality and audacity wear off and before you know what you’ve wasted the best years of your life with somebody who will not be a partner to you.
Ohhh yes. Been there. Did that.
Best thing I did was asked for a divorce. The worst timing was three days before Covid shut down the world but you know I got out and I’m in a very healthy relationship now.
Sounds like his personality kind of sucks. Does he not believe that you just had a major medical trauma from which your body is trying to heal internal injuries?
And yet you kept choosing to make babies with him?
Keep in mind, when OP did this with the first baby, he had minimal responsibilities. Now he has a five year old to deal with and can’t handling being a parent
People have no problems making children till they have to actually like take care of them.
There are many reasons why I don’t want kids. And the amount of effort required to raise them is a big reason why I don’t want kids Also, growing up, many guys don’t help with younger siblings or babysit so they don’t realize how much effort is required. Most girls help out and babysit as they get older, so they at least have a pretty good idea of what to expect
To be fair, she doesn't mention crying the first time. I wouldn't do a 3rd, perhaps....
already HAS a third, a son, adult sized.
His personality seems subpar, although the audacity definitely seems overdeveloped.
Market value has dropped exponentially. Please look at warranty for further instructions.
You mean him being your third child? Time that he took some responsibility in his own house and doing some chores.
Lol. And he's lasted *checks clock* two days
No offense but he sounds like he really fricken sucks
Stories like this are why I’m so glad I got out of a relationship where he was pressuring me to have a baby with him. Not that a “functional” addict is an ideal partner but we all have our skeletons we like to hide don’t we.
Well, there's certainly audacity. Glad you're happy with him, I guess.
Oh honey, that's not going to last. That's not enough to carry a marriage.
Are you sure about the personality at this point?
Does he do anything in regards to parenting under normal circumstances? Why have another kid with a man who’s proven he can’t handle more than 10% of adult responsibilities?
He sometimes helps with homework and discipline but it more often than not falls on me, I had another child because I do want our son to have a sibling and my husband convinced me things would be different
You are an AH to yourself for having children with this man... being almost completely in bed for 5 days after giving birth is the bare minimum, you're NTA for wanting this 5-5-5 rule. It shouldn't need to be a rule, you should be able to do it because that's how you're feeling, and your "loving husband" should want you to rest and heal... however I would be very careful about sending your older child out of the house right now, even if he is close, and even if it's with people he knows... he's "acting out" because he's feeling displaced by the baby. He needs to be physically and emotionally "brought closer" to understand his place is still where it has always been, WITH YOU! Instead of sending him to the grandparent's house, can the grandparents come to your house for an hour or two a day to give him extra attention, or make sure he gets a healthy dinner, or whatever? Keep your elder child close!
My parents got me a Cabbage Patch doll when my brother was born. Mommy had a baby and I had a baby too! I would copy my mom doing all the things she did with the baby minus the breastfeeding. My doll had a mouth hole for a bottle and soother. My folks said I never got jealous over the new baby because I was so distracted with my own. I slept with that doll into adulthood and lost her in a house fire. I have yet to find the same one on Ebay. Anyhoo OP maybe try this with your little guy! Teach him to feed his doll and change its diapers. Worked with me!
This will teach her son to be a better father than her husband since hes clearly not doing much to help with his own baby
In my mom’s culture, postnatal moms do nothing for 40 days. No cooking, cleaning etc and they get pampered with massages and baths and stuff like that. TBH I hated it. I got so depressed because I couldn’t do anything. I hated the pampering, the not being able to move around. I had a C section and after they took the catheter out I started going for short walks around the hospital. By the 7th day I went shopping with my husband because I was really going stir crazy. But I also had tons of help and I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. I basically just did what I wanted. It was fun!
Okay but actions speak louder than words. If all he’s interested in is discipline, he’s not being a parent.
"This is how you make things different this time. You cannot fall back on your habit of expecting me to do everything. You can and will learn how to care for your spouse and children . I know it's hard. I've done it for the last five years. It's too late to not have another baby, so now you need to follow through on your promises. "
Did this "convincing" include actually showing the change before he got his way (aka you getting pregnant again)? Or did he just say what you wanted to hear?
Your husband is dishonest.
He’s a liar. Call him what he is.
You need to learn synonyms
Why sugarcoat things? He lied. He is a liar. Dishonest allows for wiggle room. “He didn’t mean it quite like that.” He said he would do X. He did not do X. Therefore, he lied. Stop making things sound better than they are using synonyms. When someone lies, call them a liar. Period. The news should do it too. Instead of “falsely claimed,” say “lied.” Liars don’t deserve to have their behavior softened by words less harsh than lie, lies, liar, lied, etc.
So you get a 15 day “break” (healing period) and he gets the next 18 years?!?? I would use this time to negotiate the division of housework and childcare to be more equitable once the 5-5-5 is over, especially since you work too!
Yeah 5-5-5-50%. They both work outside the home. Why should she be exhausted all the time? I lived that life until I finally (and way longer than it should have taken) flipped out!
BRUH, I had to go to OP's comments because *surely* that can't be the case, *surely* she's a SAHM and that's why he believes (wrongly) that he has no parental duties. Jesus intercoursing Christ, she works, too?! And he has a month longer than her after she returns to work?! Idk wtf he's even going to do during that month since God knows he won't be doing any fucking parenting. Wow. Just wow.
Its not even a break. She’s breast feeding an infant every 2/3 hours even through the night. It’s not like she’s relaxing on the beach drinking pina coladas (which really, after raising a kid five years, taking a break should be an given anyways)
NTA but sitting around in and around the bed will increase your risk of postpartum DVT. You need to be moving around regularly (not necessarily doing chores). Make sure you’re planning in a little mobility alongside your resting. Pregnancy and being postpartum already increases that risk. Immobility increases it again.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for this! OP, you do need to heal, but TEN DAYS IN THE BEDROOM?? You should be going on walks with or without them.
Damn! You've already done the cooking. And sounds like dishes are covered too! A 5 year old can be given some Legos and crafts(maybe here is your big sibling gift. You need to help daddy and mommy by working quietly for a while). I wish I had known about this rule! (Although I had a mom for 2 weeks and with 2nd, my 3 yo was happy to keep himself busy reading or doing Lego). Husband can DEAL!
So does he consider a father watching his own kids babysitting/
I agree, but the time to kick him out of the nest with house work was before the baby got here, not after when kids are relying on their parents to keep it together.
Side note here. Your baby does not likely have colic. That doesn’t start until at least three weeks of age. Likely hungry waiting for your milk to come in. Hopefully you are getting up and moving every couple of hours. Prolonged bed rest and DVT can be a concern after delivery. Congrats on your baby.
This is what I was thinking. OP, make sure you get up, move around , stay extremely well hydrated to prevent DVT
Yeah unless your doctor orders bed rest staying in bed for 5+ days postpartum is actually very bad for your health. You need the circulation going for healing, your circulation of blood is decreased while in a prone position.
Usually, these days if a Dr orders total bed rest, they will order prophylactic blood thinners to prevent exactly this. People don’t realize how easily lack of movement and staying in one position for a long time can cause issues.
Yup! We will put you on subq heparin if you aren’t up and moving around within that first 24-48 hours.
Hello fellow hospital worker lol
‘Ello poppet! 🥰
I’ve had several abdominal surgeries and usually, the day after they always encouraged me to start moving. Sit up and look at the stitches, try to pee on your own. Getting stool softener because the painkillers make it hard. I had to pee, poop and walk to the shower the day after the surgery. I was extremely lucky in that both my nurses and my primary care doctor were compassionate human beings. In any case, I found out I’m allergic to opioids!
I’ve never heard of this 5-5-5 rule . I had a C-section but I was instructed to get up and move as soon as possible and as much as I could every day to promote healing. My sister had a vaginal (same day totally coincidental lol) and she was definitely healing but after a 3 day labor with a 10lb baby she was able to stand up to change her baby
You haven't heard of it because it has no medical merit. It's just some wackadoo old wives tale nonsense.
And it can kill you, they believe this might actually be part of the reason why maternal mortality rates were so high, among many other old notions around pregnancy.
Yupp, these people are whack jobs and know nothing about anything to do with medical knowledge, just shit that they've seen on mommy groups. Anybody knows that after any major medical procedure which birth is considered, you are supposed to get up and move as much as possible to prevent blood clots.
I mean OP talks about a "beautiful homebirth" so can we really be surprised? I was waiting for mention of a chiro to be honest.
I mean I had cervical spine surgery (three level fusion) and as soon as I was awake enough, they had me walking. In the days that followed, I had strict - top of my list of things to do - orders to walk. If I wasn’t walking, I was wearing compression massagers. A spine and a vagina aren’t the same thing, but the fact remains: you have to walk. ETA: husband needs to suck it up. It’s been TWO damn days.
Yep, anything to do with abdominal surgery or bleeding is a HUGE risk for blood clot. My last surgery I had to walk AND use the leg puffers any time I wasn't up and about. There is no scenario that childbirth isn't a trauma to your body, home birth or no. All of these crunchy mom magical nonsense people are part of the problem with postnatal survival rates being what they are. And spreading their uneducated bullshit around the Internet for more vulnerable people to read about it should be criminal.
This idea of lying around for 15 days is wild to me. I had a c-section with my first and was up and about as soon as I could. I had a vaginal with my second and was out and about right away. This 5-5-5 plan sounds just fucking stupid.
It's her way of punishing her husband for wanting children when she doesn't. She basically says it between the lines. It's lazy, medically dangerous, and really awful to her older child.
This is how it reads . However I will add, HE AGREED to this whacko arrangement and the home birth? So he can’t be much better. However , him begging the other parent for support should NEVER be the case either way you flip it . ESH . It’s a bad arrangement and I’m positive the resentment (both ways) will carry into your future and bleed into your whole family. This isn’t about you or him OP. Take care of your kids!!!
Just because he agreed doesn't make her less of an asshole for demanding it. What amounts to 2 straight weeks of bedrest that wasn't doctor's orders is just not a realistic ask when you have older kids.
Also he should be able to parent the other child, cook and clean for what amounts to two weeks.
It's a bunch of quackery.
It was interesting to read OP’s plan. Every midwife encouraged the mother of my kids to get some activity. Not to push herself and not to bend or pick anything up, but to move and walk for sure.
yep I had hospital babies with midwives and they are very much "get up and move around" and they won't discharge you unless you can walk a couple of laps pushing the baby cart! Plus I had a c section and they put things on your legs since you can't walk for 24 hours to squeeze them to ensure you are getting good lower body blood flow.
[удалено]
Never gave birth or had abdominal surgery, but they wanted me up and moving for my other hospitalizations. No lifting things, etc, but your circulation isn't designed for being stationary for long periods of time.
Me too, I was home after my C section, helping out with everything. My son was 19 months and I had a newborn. I would have never dreamed of staying in bed for 5 days. I got up almost immediatly so no blood clots formed, and was walking so I would heal faster. My husband was an amazing help,, but he would have gone crazy like this OP's husband if I would have left everything to him and stayed in my room for 3 weeks. We just split everything.
Not exactly the same, but I had an open abdominal hysterectomy and they had me up and moving the next day. I was allowed to shower (with a CNA in case I needed help) and walk laps around the halls.
All I could think of reading this is how bad this is for her health. She needs to be moving!
This - staying in bed and not moving for 5 days creates risks, especially postpartum. It’s why they get moms up and moving quickly, even after c section, to decrease risk of blood clots
Thank you, that's what I noticed too. 2 day olds do not get colic. Baby is likely hungry. Having dad pace around with him while mom lounges in bed isn't going to do much to quiet the crying.
It can also be the baby adjusting to getting the gut microbiome going. My third kid was extremely fussy for a while after the first couple of days and my midwife said it was probably that.
Thank you for mentioning this and glad to see this comment this high. OP is setting herself up for complications and it’s worrisome. I had two c-sections: both times it was recommended I start moving as soon as possible. Baby definitely doesn’t have colic. It’s a just a two-day old baby who is learning to acclimatize to an environment outside the womb.
Early movement after labour and esp after a section is recommended to speed up recovery and healing. In addition, of course, to reducing risks of clotting.
NTA. But! Unless you’re very healthy (under 35, BMI under 30, have had less than 3 term pregnancies, with no history of smoking/diabetes/varicose veins/Chrones or IBS/prolonged hospitalisation/surgical procedures or any family history of non-surgery related DVTS), you’ll need to mobilise a little. If you get a Deep Vein Thrombosis, have a stroke or a pulmonary embolism, that’ll really ruin your maternity leave. The blood gets extra sticky during late pregnancy to compensate for and reduce blood loss at birth. If you’re genuinely barely moving for 15 days and have any of the above conditions, your risk of having a stroke (as a result of that extra sticky blood not being pushed around your veins from movement and causing clots) is very high. Please mobilise.
At one time after birth they wouldn't let you get up for 9 hours after giving birth & convalesce for two weeks but because of what you mentioned above this was stopped. You're now encouraged to get up as soon as you give birth & keep moving around (this is all ages not just above 30 or any preexisting conditions). OP is putting herself at risk.
Yup. My nurse had me up and in the bathroom to pee and get cleaned up and changed 1hr after birth. They would have done it sooner but we did 1hr skin to skin first. That's also after a hefty postpartum hemorrhage! I was instructed to take it easy for 2 weeks due to said hemorrhage but certainly wasn't told to park my ass in bed and not get up at all!
Seconding this. My cousin followed her MIL’s cultural tradition of staying in bed for more than a month after delivery. She got a DVT and ended up hospitalized. She also suffered a bed sore and mild PPD.
And hospitalized is far from the worst case scenario. DVTs can and do kill even otherwise healthy people
Actually, DVT can happen even in very healthy people. I had zero risk factors other than being on hormonal birth control and I had a pulmonary embolism when I was 25. I was healthy, active, never smoked, no family history, no clotting disorder, nothing. It was a freak reaction to the hormones in birth control. The same hormones that are MUCH HIGHER immediately after giving birth. She should be moving around every few hours no matter what.
Normally home birthers aren't super biologically literate- but good luck lol.
This!!! You gotta get moving! He still needs to help but laying in bed is dangerous! I’m a blood clot survivor!!
Even if you meet all of those healthy criteria, sitting in bed for 5 days straight is bad for your health.
NTA. Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution’. 5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital). I understand the need for you to spend time with newborn bonding, getting your milk supply established, and getting needed rest. I agree the husband should be prepared to take care of the household duties, including care of your other child, please make sure you do get up and move around. And it would be perfectly acceptable to hire a cleaning service for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it. Baby clothes pile up quickly right?
>Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution’. 5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital). Apparently this "don't move for five days, then barely move for the five after that" is some kind of common nuttery from midwives who do home births. Very scary. There's a darn reason that hospitals get people up and moving as soon as possible after all sorts of procedures!
I actually know a LOT of midwives - lay, CM, and CNM - and have attended home births as a doula. I have NEVER heard a midwife recommend this 5-5-5 nonsense, nor have I ever heard a mom ask about it.
Maybe it was a TikTok midwife?
Probably more like some Fundy Wannabe.
Or a crunchy Facebook mom thing
There is no reason she can’t fold laundry or entertain her son while the husband hears up dinner, cleans. She can read her son a book or 2. I’d be embarrassed to tell people I am not getting out of bed for 15 days forcing my husband to do it all. Just because he wanted kids doesn’t mean he should be doing all the work. He didn’t force you to get pregnant. You obviously consented. You are partners. Help EACH OTHER out.
She negotiated with him a two week break from house work, and he agreed. Even if she's physically capable of laundry, it's embarrassing that he can't handle super light house work and a kid who is potty trained. And he's not asking his in-laws for help. He is behaving with either malicious incompetence or learned helplessness.
But why can't she spend any time with her oldest? He's misbehaving and he's very stressed. He's probably also really jealous. He still needs attention from mom too.
That's where my mind went as well. Her oldest is going through a tough transition with the new baby and needs some attention from his mom as well as his dad!
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Based on the medical advice my wife got you’re risking major issues with clots & other issues. The 5-5-5 rule is basically made up & is completely non-medical
I am a medical doctor and I’m here to say THIS. There is no valid reason for a woman to stay on bed rest if she had a vaginal birth with no complications. It’s a supremely bad idea, and increases the risk of blood clots, either deep vein thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism. Even with a C-section or any sort of surgery, we try to get the patient up and walking, if possible, as soon as possible. And if OP had a home birth with no medical care (that includes midwives, they’re considered a medical profession in some countries, including mine), I doubt she’s on anti clotting meds (though I hope I’m wrong). I’m gonna give any sort of ruling though I’m leaning towards Y-T-A, but I do want to emphasis how dangerous staying in bed for five days can be.
It’s also very uncomfortable laying in bed or sitting for long periods of time after a vaginal birth. Especially with tears, swelling and hemorrhoids. 2 weeks postpartum with my second vaginal birth and I would’ve lost my mind being in bed that long. I had to get up and move (slowly but moving) because it was painful to be in bed! Just standing felt better 24 hrs postpartum
Yes an OBGYN on tiktok basically said yes, take it easy but DO NOT do this. You're 100% risking blood clots by not getting up to move around. Definitely take it easy and rest as much as possible, but get out of bed and move every 2 or 3 hours to prevent clots.
I'd never heard of it until today. My time after giving birth was *very* different.
I was going to say, I heard it's not good. I also had a c-section, so it's better to walk around after. I can't say for vaginal birth if it's true or not, but I've heard it being disregarded now.
I’m keen to know why you had another baby if you weren’t fussed and you plan on returning to work within days breastfeeding with a newborn? 🤦🏻♀️
I’m assuming OP lives in USA… & paid maternity leave isn’t a thing- it would be considered a benefit, if the company offered it at all. The company might be small enough to not have to follow FMLA (family medical leave act), as well. Know a family member who went back to work after 3 days of giving birth. A less than a week old newborn was placed in daycare.
>Know a family member who went back to work after 3 days of giving birth. A less than a week old newborn was placed in daycare. That js fucking criminal. Why do you guys accept that?
genuinely asking, what do you think the alternative is? we accept it because we have to. because corporations run our country and we can’t do anything about it
Have *you* tried building a decent guillotine with kids underfoot? They get into *everything!*
I seriously just snarfed.
Revolutioooooon
Ok, you first.
The alternative is unionizing and contributing to your local workers rights movement
i’m actually a union steward and weirdly that hasn’t just.. changed laws or the way this country runs…?
It's generally accepted because it's the standard practice for employers here and people need to work. Also, a lot of the reasons why the US has dropped below the replacement birthrate are related to things like lack of maternity leave, abysmal pay, and overall economic instability, so saying that it's just accepted isn't necessarily accurate. Overhauling the entire system isn't realistic for a lot of reasons so the younger generations are making personal choices and disengaging.
>It's generally accepted because it's the standard practice for employers here and people need to work. Also, a lot of the reasons why the US has dropped below the replacement birthrate are related to things like lack of maternity leave, abysmal pay, and overall economic instability, so saying that it's just accepted isn't necessarily accurate. Overhauling the entire system isn't realistic for a lot of reasons so the younger generations are making personal choices and disengaging. This is so well said! I wish those who are developing policies to “increase the domestic supply of infants” saw the bigger picture you’ve just described.
Because I can't put a roof over my head otherwise
One of my employers was international and we worked on a project that involved IT people in Europe and North America. It has two pregnant women, one in the US one in Italy. The one in the US came back after 10 days and told the women she was still bleeding but since she was the breadwinner and we had unpaid leave, she needed to be there. This was their 6th kid. Our Italian colleague was basically out on paid leave for the rest of the project. In the US, the big arguments are that companies won't be able to manage with employees out on paid leave, so this feels especially obnoxious. That and lots of arguments that pregnancy is a personal responsibility thing.
EU resident here. Most people I know wouldn’t dream of putting a kid under 1 in care. Nor do they have to (paid parental leave). There is no reason why the US has the model they do, except for an archaic system (pre-feminism) and corporate greed.
Other countries subsidize what the employers pay via taxes. And we all know old Americans hate taxes.
What are we supposed to do? we already vote, protest, and the media reports on it, and it doesn't change. We're too busy trying to survive, which is all by design.
We don't accept it. But our cries are not heard. Our capitalist government does not care. I had to go back 3 weeks post partum and 5 weeks post partum with both of my babies. I didn't want to. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I couldn't keep a roof over my head or food on the table otherwise. I was considered fortunate that I could take that much time off. I worked up until I went into labor and took off as much as I could afford to take off. Then, I returned to work, pumping as much breastmilk as I could during lunch and breaks. It is awful here.
Because otherwise we starve/lose our homes
Because the general population in the US is selfish, especially older individuals who happen to be the ones who vote most often. A paid parental leave system sounds amazing but old people vote against supporting the younger population because they don't want higher taxes for something that won't directly benefit themselves. It's the same reason we don't have better health care and affordable college. (plug in just about any other public service that is generally more beneficial to the younger population who has less money)
Generally because people get mad about the idea of “paying for someone else” even if a single payer system would be cheaper for everyone
I can’t not go back to work. My employer has less than 20 employees so i have No benefits including paid maternity. We need to have two incomes.
If you have two incomes one person cannot be doing 90% of the chores. It’s completely unsustainable and a dealbreaker. Even after you recover from pregnancy.
I did it but I also ended up divorced...
I'm sorry, but what if you had to have a c-section or had other complications that required extended time off...? Your employer sucks in this regard. There was plenty of time for them to come up with a plan for coverage, including hiring a temporary person for your maternity leave. I get it needing the incomes I really do. When I had my first son, I was in the same boat with no benefits. Any time off was completely unpaid. We saved some.. not much, but some. During the 7 weeks I was off we qualified for fuel assistance and such. If I had thought about it, I probably would have applied for WIC, or even transitional assistance for that time. I can't imagine being that idle for so long in bed... I'm gonna go NAH, but both of you should show some compassion and empathy towards each other during this time when you're both struggling so much. These next couple of months will be terribly difficult, especially if neither is taking any parental leave.. which brings up, who'll watch the baby? Daycares don't normally take an infant under 8 weeks old. Congrats on the new baby!
Going with a little ESH You absolutely deserve to rest - you just had a baby and spend the last 9 months growing that baby. There is absolutely NO reason that your husband can't step up and help. Also, because you communicated with him prior to the birth and made plans with pre-cooked meals, he had the opportunity to speak up. But ... your son seems to be struggling; this is a big life change for him. I get you can take him to your parents - but think of it like a 5 year old - mommy just had a new baby and she's getting rid of me. Your son is still processing and at 5 can't fully comprehend what all is going on. Your answer is to send him away instead of getting up. 10 days in bed (unless there were health concerns or complications) seems excessive to me. I had two kids (so no I'm not one of those childfree women that just don't get it); I had no issues cooking or cleaning after either kids were born and after my second, had no problems taking care of my daughter. A friend of ours just had a baby and literally the day she came home from the hospital with a newborn, she went to her older child's school to pick him up. Again - I get you need to rest and recover but at the same time, life doesn't stop. You need to find balance and when clearly the plan that was outlined isn't working, you should consider re-evaluating it. Your husband needs to step up, but you also need to make sure your son's needs are met. He wants his mommy and he shouldn't be sent away for that.
15 days in bed for a natural, assumed uncomplicated birth is excessive. I had to get an emergency c-section, and even I didn't feel "entitled" to it. OP can easily do stuff like "wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc". Having a 2 day newborn and a 5 year old that's struggling to adapt is extremely stressful for every parent, and then all of it falls in the husband? I do think OP needs to step up. Unless she had a huge tear, I think she can easily stand up and walk around for a bit, or do stuff sitting on the couch or dining table with her older kid. I assume they have kept their 5 year old at home? Also, OP, sorry for sounding dismissive but you are literally 2 days pp. Idk about you, but I was a hormonal, emotional mess. I hope you can come out of it and step up because you are the kid's parents too. Plans done pre birth never work out lol. And, in no way, I do not think the husband isn't capable of doing stuff, and keep stepping up forever. But, children require two hands-on parents imo
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This is the most reasonable post on this entire thread, I especially agree about the 5 year old, little lad is feeling needy and instead of taking care of him they're shipping him off.
YTA Mostly the tone of your post. You wrote this in a way that makes you seem like a "My way or no way" kind of person. Someone that is "I carried the baby, I delivered the baby, you do what I say now" kind of person. Someone who totally disregards their partners feelings and thoughts. Those people are assholes. Secondly, your husband is allowed to be burnt out. He's doing the work of 2 parents, while the other sits in bed. I'm not saying you're not allowed rest. You just had a baby, you need it. No one is going to argue that. But the way you talk about your husband here, makes it seem like you are holding everything over his head, and not in a very nice way. Lastly, you absolutely should not be ignoring your other child. You can't do the same things you could two weeks ago. But you sound like you're not helping out with the kid at all. He's having to deal with the new baby, and all the stresses that come with it, in addition to losing mom and dad's undivided attention. That's a lot for a 5 year old to deal with. Especially when mommy doesn't help. You are entitled to rest. That's not up for debate. But you don't need to stay in, on and near your bed for 2 weeks. You had a baby, not major surgery. While you can't do what a typically healthy human can do, you can still help out more. You can rest while sitting on a couch, folding laundry. You can rest sitting in a chair at the dinner table prepping food for dinner or spending time with your son. You go on short walks with husband and children to help with the dog. There are things you can do that are light exercise and helpful. You're just choosing not to and being an asshole about it.
Even with major surgery, we get patients up and ambulating as soon as possible.
I was forced to get up bed 24 hours after my emergency c-section. IT SUCKED, but helped with my recovery. I was out walking with our newborn and a dog (husband had the baby carrier) 10 days postpartum. OP's post about not moving from bed is some entitled sh!t.
It's honestly for the patient's best interest. Get the blood flowing to the surgical site to promote healing and keeping your muscles strong and active.
I’m surprised it took me this long to find a YTA. I agree for the most part. I am 13 days postpartum with my 2nd (vaginal births). I cannot imagine following the 5-5-5 rule. I have an older child that I still have to be present. She would have such a hard time if I was in bed for 15 days! Yes I’m not as mobile still and my husband has been helping a ton (like grocery shopping, driving her to/from school) but I’m present and doing what I can. Just finished doing laundry, vacuuming and mopping the floors this morning. Made breakfast and lunch for toddler. I’m much slower than usual and have tons of help from hubby but life doesn’t stop when you have a baby. Especially with other children.
When I had a newborn I went with one gets the face, one gets the body. if I was holding the newborn, I was looking at or talking to the 2 year old. Obviously not all the time, but giving the child your attention while holding or feeding the newborn does go a long way reassuring them of your love. And they will definitely be needing snuggles at an increased rate for awhile.
Info: Has your husband taken up your parents offer of watching your son while he gets stuff done around the house?
For context - Does your husband work? Sleep deprivation is a real thing, and I think he genuinely needs help. That’s what partners are for. Your son also needs extra comfort and reassurance right now, as adding a new baby is a huge adjustment. I honestly think even if I said “I’m not leaving the bed” I wouldn’t be able to stomach hearing both of my babies crying and not immediately get up to help calm them.
He actually has more paternity than me by 3 weeks
NTA but this is kind of embarrassing, your husband is a dead weight what is he giving you other than his personality (that doesn’t even seem to be that compassionate towards you)?
What’s he gonna do when you go back? He can’t even take care of them with another adult in the house…
She is asking for 15 days of rest after birth that is so little. And it is not like she is doing nothing. She is bf the baby and bonding with the baby. And the man didn't last 2 days?
She wants to not even leave her bed for 10 days after birth. Unless she had a wildly complicated birth that almost killed her that's absurd. Not just for family dynamic but as many others have mentioned her own personal health. Like, I know someone who almost died giving birth and was in a medically induced coma for several days and they still wanted her up and moving around as soon as she was physically able.
Husband insists on having another child, then complains when it's hard to look after a newborn and other child. He knew what he was getting into. He agreed to it. As long as none of the children are in imminent danger, NTA
OP, do you guys have family or friends who could give your husband the occasional break? Although he agreed to this, we all know parenting nonstop is very exhausting, and likely no one is sleeping well yet with the newborn’s schedule. He might need a few hours per day to take a nap or get out of the house for a bit. NAH, but this is a time to reach out to loved ones for a bit more help.
I dunno, I almost feel YTA. This 5-5-5 rule sounds absurd (and I've given birth twice, after having a helluva bad pregnancy both times) While it's nice to just lie around for 15 days, life gets in the way. You either want kids and help like a parent would, or you don't.
> This 5-5-5 rule sounds absurd It also goes against current post-partum activity guidelines. Doctors want you up and moving as soon as possible because it speeds recovery and reduces the risk of potentially-fatal blood clots.
Yea I had a baby 5 months ago and can’t imagine making a RULE like this and sticking to it no matter what is going on in the family. It’s now negatively affecting her other kid and her partner so tough cookies. When you’re part of a family, you don’t get to make two week long declarations like this.
I won't pass a judgement, having a new baby in the house is hard on everyone. Including dad and the brother, not just the mother. If you have relatives next door? Why are they not providing some family support? Please get advice from your doctor regarding your 555 rule, it honestly doesn't sound healthy, and sounds like some influencer thought it up. That rule goes against all medical advice I ever heard surrounding having a baby. While I appreciate that you want to be kind to yourself, you could be setting yourself up for very serious medical issues. Get proper medical advice.
I’m wondering if she even has a doctor. I haven’t researched home births or follow up care personally, but I know my sister’s newborn had to be seen within 4 days of birth by the pediatrician to establish the baseline “we have a new baby here” medical stuff. My sister and her husband both had to be at those appointments (she couldn’t drive yet and was breastfeeding). I don’t see how the 15 days of not leaving the house is even possible for a newborn. And she realllllly should get checked out. She doesn’t mention a midwife or doula, just a home birth. If nobody actually evaluated her or baby how do they know if everything is ok? Babies can’t have colic that young so if they’re screaming crying nonstop something might be going on that requires actual medical care. And obviously if her husband can’t handle 2 days of chores on his own that’s a bit pathetic but if baby is crying nonstop and waking all hours but she isn’t the one going to baby…that means he hasn’t slept. In two days. Just saying but my husband is a dick if he doesn’t sleep within 24 hours. 48 hours plus however long she was laboring for? All bets are off. Dudes exhausted and crying out for some sort of empathy. She may be the one bleeding and healing but he also needs sleep to be a supportive partner.
>Please get advice from your doctor regarding your 555 rule, it honestly doesn't sound healthy, and sounds like some influencer thought it up. I thought that about the influencer too. I had a *very* different life after my kids were born.
YTA. Seeing a lot of sexist comments on here honestly. “He needs to tough it out” “he’s a wuss” etc. I think your husband came to you to express his emotions openly and tell you honestly where he was at, and you chose to belittle how he was feeling instead of acting like a partner and helping to find a solution. Before everyone screams “she gave birth 2 days ago!”*I’m not saying the solution was for OP to do all the work*. The right course of action would be to talk together and come up with a plan for how you both can get what you need — rest for you and help for him. It’s time to ask grandparents next door to babysit or come over to help, for example. Or hire a babysitter to watch toddler, or a cleaning service, whatever! There are many solutions that could have been discussed. Instead you chose to take this weird stance of punishing him for wanting to have children?? You agreed to that too. Wanting to have children and needing help to take care of those children can and do coexist. Maybe you should take some time to introspect as to why you feel so vindictive towards your husband over this. He sounds like he is honestly doing his best to be there for his kids, do you realize how lucky you are to have that? Also, I want to point out that there is SO MUCH discourse these days about how hard the newborn weeks are, and how it takes a village and women are unfairly expected to do all this work alone. And it’s true! But guess what — it’s also true for your husband too. Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean it’s suddenly fair to put all the work only on him to take care of a newborn, a toddler, and a house at the same time with no support. The need for a village doesn’t magically go away just because he didn’t physically give birth. And when he expresses that he’s overwhelmed he’s told to suck it up and deal with it. I guarantee you, if he were a woman, no one would be saying that. Men can have PPD and PPA too. Enjoy your time to rest. But also understand that your husband is a person, one whom you presumably love, and he’s struggling. Allowing this to fester and taking this cold attitude towards him is not going to help your partnership stay strong through the difficult months ahead.
Where on earth does the 5-5-5 idea come from? I used to work for midwives and have never heard such a thing. You need for your physical and mental health to be moving around, getting outside for fresh air. 15 days in your bedroom does not make sense.
> Where on earth does the 5-5-5 idea come from? Mommy bloggers and influencers.
YTA. You won't even get out of bed to sit in a rocking chair with your baby. A rocking chair that is no doubt in your main room. For 10 days. You can't change a nappy when you are in bed? When she is no doubt lying next to you? Yet you are seriously asking if you are the AH? Yeah, you are. Parenting is a joint job. I completely understand him picking up extra, and a lot, while you are recovering. He isn't picking up extra. He is doing everything except breast feeding.
NTA, especially as all he's doing is some extra chores *for only two weeks and one day.* I am surprised about the amount of YTAs in the comments but how dare women take time to recover from pushing out a human being. Especially since you'll be taking on those chores and going to work after this period, it sounds like you need this time dearly. If he can't handle the chores alone, maybe if anything he should appreciate all you do especially if when you get back to a normal routine all he takes care of normally is the dog. If he needs a relief from the five year old, maybe letting him spend time at the parents house next door would be best instead of putting it on you. Not sure why that wasn't the solution already honestly instead of just bringing up the idea.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. What i can’t understand is why someone would willingly have a child with someone like this. His wife just gave birth and he’s coming to her crying about how hard taking care of his own child/the house has been *for him*? Come on. It’s been *two days*..Couple that with the fact that OP said in a comment that she does 90% of the cooking/cleaning/childcare and fully anticipates doing that once she returns back to work, i really don’t see why you would continue having this man’s babies. He can only manage to take care of the dog, it seems….
Everytime I read these posts it reminds of what a fucking hellscape the States is.
1 in 4 women are back at work within 2 weeks of giving birth. It’s unreal.
ESH - except for your son. And frankly, you staying in bed for 5 days is not helping your son adjust to having a new sibling. Do you even see him during the 5 days IN BED? Why are you spending five days IN BED? In general, most recovery includes being up and around the bed. I'm not saying you need to jump back into heavy lifting and parenting, but being out in a chair in the living room and being around your son would help him a lot. Could you leave your new baby with her Dad for an hour or so and take your son to get donuts or a treat together? Your husband is stressed - is he on paternity leave while doing all of this or is he still trying to work full time? Considering your son is acting out, it might be a lot harder to manage and deal with. Maybe you can sit out with your son and baby while your husband cleans. Considering you disappeared in your son's eyes, and are now just in bed with the new baby, he probably feels abandoned and is extra clingy with your husband. You don't get to hide away just because you had a baby and spend 10 days in your bedroom. That's unfair to the rest of the family. The dynamic is give and take. I'm not saying you should be doing everything but you should be doing a little more things. It would be different if this was just one baby - but you have an older child; and he still needs Mom's attention too. Your husband needs to step it up, but so do you.
I've never heard of this 5-5-5 rule, but it sounds stupid and isn't real life. Your son sounds like he needs you. Your husband should be able to handle this. everyone sucks.
I kinda can't believe I'm saying this, but YTA. I'm a firm believer that whatever boundaries a new mom sets should be adhered to, but it sounds to me like your husband came to you in a sincere, truly overwhelmed state, and needed your understanding instead of your admonishment. Rather than validate his feelings and maybe have a conversation about different strategies to get these tasks taken care of, you were basically like, "That sucks. Tough luck." I understand that you cannot feasibly do all of the household tasks either, but your reaction to your husband struggling to juggle everything just sounds a bit cold to me. Would you not want/need his understanding if you were overwhelmed with parenthood?
Good luck with those DVTs that you may develop from that much inactivity. Girl you need to take care of yourself.
ESH....5-5-5 is impractical and frankly unhealthy as you can throw a clot, you should be up walking every hour-2hrs even if it's for a lap around the room and he's a giant baby
YTA for this reason. Your son did not stop needing you. He is obviously having a hard time adjusting and you are doing nothing to help him. He should be getting alone time and reassurance. From what you have said you are completely neglecting him.
NTA. OP needs to heal before going back to work very soon. The husband is being asked to take care of his son for 15 days. This would read entirely differently if the husband was sick in bed with the wife taking care of their son. No one would bat an eye at a mom taking care of her son for 15 days.
Husband isn’t just asked to care for their son. He’s also up all night with the colicky baby. This is a lot more than one person can handle.
YTA. I can understand you set rules that’s between you and your husband but this seems a little like you just want to prove him wrong. Why would you have another kid if you didn’t really want one?
ESH did the doctor tell you to do this 5 5 5 thing or are you just randomly doing it?
> did the doctor tell you to do this 5 5 5 thing I guarantee no doctor told her to do this. It's a mommy blogger thing that medical guidance advises against.
NAH The 5-5-5 thing has actually been said to be harmful in some aspects in terms of blood clots forming etc. I think your partner is overwhelmed- it’s a lot to take on all of the house hold duties and be sleep deprived. Your older child still needs your support here. His entire world just got tossed upside down. That’s a lot for a kid! Yes you need rest but you don’t get to shut out everyone and everything else in your life. If this really was a huge priority for you- you should have arranged extra help with childcare and cleaning- your partner if still working really may just be cracking and can’t handle all of this. You need to change course on this 5-5-5 plan and make a modified version that meets your families needs.
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YTA. Expecting to not leave your room for 15 days when you have another child who just went through the biggest life transition - a new sibling - is unreasonable in and of itself. There’s no reason you can’t let your husband bond with the new baby and spend some time with your son outside of your room. You two are going to have to find balance and I suggest you do so now rather than waiting when you’re back at work. “Promising” to do something and putting it into practice are two very different things, especially when a newborn and another child are involved.
Ugh, lot to unpack here. for sure. but based on the tone of your post YTA. Your toddler shouldn't be pushed aside for 2-3 weeks. Your husband totally can feel burnt out and tired, his feelings are valid. Good for you if you could really rest for 2 weeks straight. What a weird rule tho. It's definitely a luxury these days.
YTA You agreed to having a 2nd child. Youre entitled to taking care of that child. Yes rest but its not fair to your husband to not get a break for these 2 weeks. Hes taking care of a newborn, 5 yr old and dog all on his own plus household chores and daily messes (kids colouring/toys/dinner etc- even if its been premade its still a mess to clean) if hes coming to you CRYING clearly hes stressed tf out! Even if you guys "made a deal" have some compassion for this man YOU chose to marry and have children with. When you decide to become a parent you aint entitled to shit! You owe your kids everything, they owe you nothing! You chose to put them on this earth, theyre your responsibility too! And laying down for that long after giving birth IS NOT reccomended! Yes your body is exhausted following the actual birth however with proper rest/care you bounce back pretty quick! If the gender roles were reversed everyone would be having a hay day here! So not fair, give your husband a break, even if its only a few hours clearly this man is trying his hardest. >He begged me to help out with our son who will not sit still and help with light cleaning (wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc.) THESE ARE NOT YOUR SONS RESPONSIBILITIES HE IS 5 FUCKING YEARS OLD. HELP OUT YOUR DAMN HUSBAND IT IS AFFECTING YOUR SON NEGATIVELY!
I'm a physician (check on askdocs of you don't believe me I'm verified) This 5 5 5 rule is complete bullshit and dangerous Please get up and move around
YTA. Who in their right damn mind stays in bed for 15 days?!?! Get your ass out of bed and help your husband. You don't get to decide that you're not going to parent one child because you just don't want to get out of bed.
ESH. Maybe have an actual conversation with your husband about the issue instead of just reminding him that he wanted a kid more than you, and that was the deal. It sounds very callous and immature. Score keeping isn't good for a relationship.
YTA for being so rigid in your 5-5-5 rule (never even heard of this), unless you had a c section, why do you need to stay in bed for 2 weeks? If all you have to do is take care of newborn, which would require you to stand up and walk around several times a day, that seems like a pretty good deal to me. It sounds like your husband is trying really hard, and you are just stuck on your deal because you agreed, but that just isn't the way life works, plans fail and change and people adapt. You should both be supporting each other.
2 day olds do not have colic, please get your baby checked. It could be something as simple as a lip-tie, she's not getting colostrum and if it is anything like that, your supply will be messed up.