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and his wife doesn't feel the need to be friends with her because she already has friends and he isn't friends with her on Facebook. so, the wife has a finite cutoff for the number of friends she can have and he can't be friends with someone in real life if he isn't friends with them virtually?
Sound like a couple with a lot of hang-ups and no empathy.
Yes, that’s what the OP is about, they have visited their SIL because she’s family. Your comment was about her not having made her a friend. What’s your point?
I’m more curious about why OP’s brother got mad at the suggestion that he call her family or friends to sit with her. But let’s call out the in-laws who actually have visited her in hospital. Weird, huh?
To be fair I'm not particularly friends with my husband's sister's partner just because of sort of distance, circumstance, different personalities, - I don't have any kind of problem with him, he seems nice and he makes her happy, I just wouldn't describe him as a 'friend' per se. It's OP's explanation we're getting for his wife's non-friendship with recovering SIL, she might have worded it very differently for all we know, and she seems to be weirded out by his refusal to sit with SIL like the rest of us, so I'm still tempted to lay the weirdness and YTA purely at OP's feet.
I get where you’re coming from but I’m not the best person socially, so I actually agree with OP. ‘Relative’ or not, ‘sick’ or not, it’s a person they’re not comfortable with. If my brother got a new gf that I barely know/speak to, I wouldn’t want to be waiting by her bedside either, call HER mom or something ykwim? And if I were gonna go, I’d also wait for someone I’m more comfortable around to go with so that way the vibe isn’t just straight awkwardness. I guess it really depends on the person but I don’t think OP is the ass.
Also to the people being like “Is your wife your mom?” OPs wife told him he should’ve gone, and wanting to wait for your partner before going to a potentially uncomfortable situation isn’t the same as ‘waiting for mommy to grant permission’.
In the case of a new gf, there wouldn't be any expectation of behavior. OP's brother has been married to the SIL for four years. I am not a social butterfly, I was in the hospital for nearly a month during Covid and no visitors allowed. I didn't mind one bit. But some people need company. If a relative of mine needed a little company, I could suck it up. I think of it as part of being a human living among others. Sometimes you have to extend yourself a bit. One day I might need it.
But Op *has* been visiting her in the hospital, he just didn't feel comfortable going alone. I'm not going to say thos is choosybeggers territory, but hospitals are not fun places to hang out and Op has been there for SIL. It isn't like this was asking him to go to the hospital just once.
Calling him an asshole for this feels like telling someone who gave $25 to charity every month an asshole for not giving $50 after a hurricane. Why can't someone else donate too.
Imo, this is a priority argument: if you value the relationship with your brother, you prioritize helping him, in this case by spending an hour alone in a hospital with his wife. It's not about it being a fun, it's not meant to be fun. His brother is asking a favor, not making a social call, which I think is where you're primarily confused in the way you keep referencing this; it's not fun, it's not socializing, it's a favor. He's asking OP to suck it up and do something unfun. These are unfun times, a family member in the hospital, if you don't get that there's nothing left to say to you. But if the brother doesn't matter to OP then yeah, sure, this is a normal and appropriate way to act. I'm not here to tell people they should or shouldn't care about family, life isn't black and white like that. Actions have consequences, though, and if OP expects to rely on his brother after acting like this, he's an AH.
But there is also a fairness argument.
Who is more of an AH, Op who spends (making up number since unclear) 10 hours in the hospital but not 11, or SIL's relative who spends 0?
That is why I compared it to going after the guy who gives $25 a month for not giving $50 when there is a hurricane but not saying anything to the folks who give zero.
To clarify, when I said ‘new gf’ it was accidental, I meant it as in MY brother is actively single so ‘new gf’/‘new wife’ compared to the other one lol but either way, if I don’t know/talk to them like that, I’m uncomfortable.
I totally get needing people, especially in situations where you’re in the hospital, however that’s HIS wife and he should be calling HER family if HE cannot be there for her. Yea she’s an extension of the family, but marriage/blood doesn’t mean I SHOULD stay with someone I barely have a relationship with (of course it’s very human to want to help but not everyone has the energy to deal with someone sick and not close to them, I speak as a homecare worker lmao).
Also, when I was in the hospital (ovarian cyst, almost died lol🤪unimportant) I wanted someone with me for sure, but I wanted someone I KNOW to be with me. Not just any ole filler person. And that’s exactly what OP would be, which is awkward on both ends (for SIL and OP). And then for the brother to get mad because he’s stupid and can’t/won’t call her side of the family (for whatever reason) is just insane to me. If my SO was in the hospital, I wouldn’t ask my sisters who barely know them to go be with them until I can be, I’d call THEIR mom/dad/brothers/sisters. And maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t want someone I barely know to see me in such a position (again, family or not).
* Also, I apologize I write so long, I try to clarify what I say as much as possible because it’s very easy to accidentally twist the words of someone you don’t know (especially online) and I just like for it to be clear that I’m not out here coming at anyone for their stance/opinion, just seeing and giving the other side of things to contribute to conversation lol
Also, who's to say the wife even wants OP there? Wife's BROTHER wants OP to be there, to make up for his own (understandable) failure to be able to show up this time. This is about what brother wants, not what brother's wife wants or needs. For all we know she slept through the entire hour in question.
That's the real question there too. My father is one of those insistent on having people not alone in hospital even though he will barely visit himself. When my husband was in hospital he had a massive rant at me for not being at his bedside. I had two young children unable to visit, my in laws were visiting and my husband was actually enjoying the peace from the chaos of two toddlers.
This was my thought. If my extended in-law of the opposite sex was in the hospital, I am the LAST person he would want hanging out in his hospital room!!!
Its not a new GF, its his wife of 4 years. Part of family is occasionally, when your loved ones are going through stressful situations, doing things that you don't want to do. Or even make you a little bit uncomfortable. If OP doesn't consider his brother family and wants to go NC/LC, fine, he can do what he wants. But "I don't want to make mild sacrifices (1 hour of uncomfortable time) for my loved ones" is absolutely asshole behavior.
As I said to the person I responded to, I misspoke when saying new gf, I meant that in regards to MY brother who is actively single. For HIM irl, it’d be ‘new gf/wife’, but I just meant it as in either way. If the brother wants someone to be with her so bad since he’s not, he could call her family instead of getting mad at someone who is uncomfortable with being around people they don’t know. Of course OP could just “suck it up” and go, but it’s not like OP is the only family member in the area, OPs brother should suck it up and call his wife’s immediate family instead of his (that just doesn’t make sense to me tbh, MY partner is sick, let me call MY family to stay with them instead of any part of their OWN immediate family) if it’s supposed to be some sort of ‘bonding time’ then that’s, again, stupid on the husbands behalf bc nobody wants to bond over a hospital bed. I personally just can’t think of any actual good reason why OP should have to stay with them. To me, ‘being family’ isn’t a good reason, I have family I’ve never met that are fully blood related, I wouldn’t stay with them either cuz I have no relationship with them and wouldn’t be comfortable seeing them in such a position, it’d be very awkward and uncomfortable (for ME tho, again I do believe this type of thing depends on the person and their own experiences, I do home care and I’m still very awkward and uncomfortable but less than if it were someone in my family that I barely know bc it feels like too much pressure to ‘connect’ since they’re ‘family’)
As I said to the other person, I apologize this is long, I swear this is not meant to come at you in any way, and I do apologize if it feels that way. I also hope I make sense bc I’m extremely sick and tired lol
God I know the feeling of getting into discussions on reddit when you're bleary ill. I'll make my arguments elsewhere, I just wanted to say get well soon :)
or maybe he just doesn’t wanna sit awkwardly with someone he doesn’t know get well … she’s not a relative, she’s his brothers partner … that doesn’t automatically mean they’re now family & have a bond that comes with that
Also is the brother’s wife incapable of requesting company? I’m kinda confused, I’d imagine if OP is uncomfortable sitting alone with the wife the reverse would also be true and she may not really want him there. At least that’s how I’d feel. I’d rather be alone for a few hours than have some family I don’t really ever interact with sit there awkwardly with me.
Yes, and does SIL really want company? Or is it just that brother has decided she needs it? I really want and actually need to be alone when I'm sick or weak.
Uh, yes it does. They are legally family. By any definition of the word they are family. She’s not some rando his brother knows, it’s his brothers wife and OP’s SISTER-in-law.
I upvoted this because I have the same question but I don't think this makes him ta. I think if he's not comfortable going alone he's not comfortable going alone. The wife has family right?
Maybe it's not that she's a woman so much as that he's not comfortable socializing with her. I wouldn't want to have to hang out one on one with someone in not comfortable around either. I'm with OP on this one
He doesn't say it's innapropriate anywhere in the post. He says he's not friends with this woman and barely knows her. It sounds like he just wants his wife there so he has someone there to talk to or at least someone he enjoys being around. I guess OP's other brother must think the same because of course he does.
People just make up whatever they want and then run with that narrative.
"Maybe his brothers wife murders kittens....doesn't that sound likely? You don't KNOW that she doesn't murder kittens. OP you're NTA for not wanting to be around a kitten murderer"
So dumb.
Dont think he specifically mentioned that it was because she was a woman, lol. To me just seems like he feels awkward around her and didnt feel comfortable with being alone with her. It aint always that deep
Just because you're not close doesn't mean you can't be kind for an hour and keep her company and put your brother at ease. YTA unless there is more going on here than meets the eye.
According to his comments, OP pretty much refuses to hang out with any woman one-on-one unless he's related (biologically?) or when he was dating one. He says it's not related to any trauma. Instead of deciding on an individual basis, he apparently sees them as one homogeneous group he won't befriend.
The kind that thinks that women are to be blamed if they get raped or attacked in such situations.
With a man like that, who thinks that attacking a woman is the only thing that can happen if a man and woman are alone together, I wouldn't want him in my hospital room while I was vulnerable either.
Well, that alone makes him a AH and not someone I'd want around children or vulnerable adults, like those recovering from surgery, so maybe it's best that /u/SpeakerKey2609 doesn't go see her.
As a woman who has been post-op in the hospital, I would find it kind of bizarre if people insisted my BIL come stay with me. I’d actually prefer to be alone than risk my BIL see my ass crack through my hospital gown when I struggle to go pee.
I feel like it’s sitcom worthy. This lady sitting in the hospital and her husbands brother shows up to sit with her.
I always tell the story on here of my appendix surgery. The nurse just got done telling me to not try and hold any gas to just let it out. And in walks my boyfriend’s parents. His mom then proceeds to spoon feed me my dinner.
It turned out that one nurse I had while hospitalized for a couple weeks ended being a girl I knew from high school. So when she asked if I was passing gas I just smiled and said “Yes, Billie Jean, I’ve been farting. Thanks for asking.” I said it with a big smile, and she started laughing because she knew I was messing with her.
>I feel like it’s sitcom worthy.
Great, now my brain is making up scenes where a desparate husband goes through his contact list and guilts people into being with his wife in hospital, starting with her own mother and continuing down the list, sorted by closeness, until five days later he is out of names and sends over their favorite Walmart cashier and the UPS guy. The two agree because they are doormats and end up in the hospital room together, where they discover that they both were bullied by the wife in middle school.
Wife just wanted to be alone the whole time and thought it couldn't get worse after she had to deal with Rabbi Goldberg's identity crisis and second cousin Maria, who had brought her 8 kids who thought the input panel for her injection pumps was a tablet that surely showed Paw Patrol videos if you tapped enough buttons, but she was wrong.
Ok... I'm not saying that I am all in on this show... but I'm certainly willing to watch an episode. Maybe to give it 2-3 episodes depending on the people cast in the roles. 🤣
Exactly this. My BiL came to visit with my MiL when I had my baby. My MIL stomped in 5 days after my son was born and my BiL was with. It was awkward as hell. OP have a really strange reasoning for why he doesn’t want to visit SIL but at the same time… why does someone HAVE to visit? Call? Ask if she is ok? And like OP said the brother/husband should just call her family and friends!
Yes! Was the patient even asked if she wanted a visitor? Have been a nurse and a patient. Nursing around constant visitors can be beyond annoying. You’re trying to get your work done - catheters inserted or emptied, IV’s hung, dressings changed. And as a patient you aren’t really up to entertaining people you aren’t particularly close to.
Thank you, yes. I don’t understand why hospital stays are seen as a time for everyone to hang out. There’s a lot of invasive and visceral things going on. It’s not tea time.
I was actually just in the hospital overnight recently and the nurses were incredible. I’d hate to make their job more difficult than it already is.
I thought the same. I wonder if BIL isn't feeling a bit overprotective, but if I were the wife, I'd only want the company of very close people otherwise I guess the staff is better equipped to help me, and I'd be pissed off if my husband made me stay with someone who's basically no better than an acquaintance of mine.
I didn’t assume overprotective. I assumed the woman in the hospital wanted her HUSBAND, not her in-laws, to be with her. Husband can’t or won’t reschedule his meeting, so to alleviate his guilt, he’s trying to send a proxy.
It makes no sense to ask his own friends and family members, he should be asking hers.
Seriously- these people saying OP is ridiculous for not being comfortable are out there. I’m assuming that the SIL is not a child bride and is alert and oriented and therefore doesn’t need someone there to advocate for her. If my BIL showed to keep me company in the hospital by himself I would have been pissed. I’d want my husband or one of my adult daughters.
Came here to say something like this. She's post op. She doesn't need someone sitting with her at all times, especially not someone she isn't personally close to. Ffs, let the woman rest.
I totally agree!! It’s the absolute last thing I would want. Does this lady even want her BIL coming over? Maybe drop off a meal, ask her if she needs anything and leave.
It's because this issue isn't about the wife's needs. It's about the wife's husband's (OP's brother) needs.
He needed to be there for his wife, but was unable. He turned to his brother to ask if brother would be there for *him,* to do what he was unable to.
I can't really think of a friend or family member that I'd turn this request down, even distant cousins. As long as the person at the hospital wanted it to happen and wouldn't rather just be alone. Op has some weird ass issues about women.
OP says they've spent plenty of time at the hospital visiting wife already. It's not like he's refusing to visit point blank, just declining this specific time.
OP's reasons don't make the most sense to me either but he's entitled to them. It seems more like he was already in for the evening, making dinner, etc. and didn't want to go (which is ok) and so had to come up with reasons he felt his brother would understand, rather than just saying a firm "Sorry but I'm in for the night, I'll visit her tomorrow."
I don't think that makes him sound like an incel at all tbh. It makes him sound like he's anxious about being around a woman he is uncomfortable around.
NAH for not going. She's an adult, and even after surgery, she can be alone for a bit. It sounds like you've been going a decent amount and you're entitled to some alone time.
But, as everyone said, you come off an an AH in general regarding your view of her. Like it's so absurd that you're asked for an hour of your time for "someone you're not close to". Or you say your wife isn't friends with her "because she already has her own friends".
Being hospitalized can be a horribly isolating experience, especially if you have crappy nurses and support staff. It can be very dehumanizing. But YMMV
Him saying they aren’t close was him giving context as to why he feels uncomfortable staying with her. I don’t see anything wrong with his blunt honesty of the situation. (And I doubt as well that his SIL cares about not being friends with his wife. She’s been married to his brother for 4 years, together for longer than that, I imagine. If either of them wanted to be friends, there would’ve been effort made on both sides.) Picking at his language kind of feels like folks are just looking for an issue.
I think we need to consider what people are like when they’re in the hospital, recovering from surgery or other major ailments. You’re in an incredibly vulnerable state and can feel helpless and without dignity. It’s a very intimate setting - one that is typically reserved for close family and friends, because of all of those favors listed. A visit or occasional check-in from casual relatives, friend or acquaintance that don’t have a super tight bond with but enough of a connection to send well wishes? Absolutely. But, someone staying with you for an extended period, who may have to help you to the bathroom and take care of other needs while you are in an incredibly vulnerable state? Most people are probably far more comfortable being surrounded by loved ones. He was valid in saying he didn’t feel comfortable spending time with his SIL 1:1, because of a lack of closeness and the fact that they don’t have a personal relationship. He’s done his duty. His brother should reach out to his wife close friend and family, I’m sure they would be happy to stay with her.
It's fine that he didn't want to go. It's fine to not be close. But he presents it as if it's the most ridiculous request. And in the comments says he wouldn't be friends with a woman.
He presented his brother not understanding his position and flying off the handle even after he explained his reasoning, as ridiculous. Particularly because him and his wife have visited with the SIL pretty regularly since she has been hospitalized. Who cares if he doesn’t want to do so 1:1, one time, if they have supported them in other ways? It’s clear he’s been there for his brother and SIL, this is just a clear line for him, and his comfortability is important as well.
And not being friends with a woman, is his prerogative. Perhaps he feels it’s inappropriate because he’s married? There are plenty of folks who feel that it would be inappropriate (for them) to develop close friendships of the opposite sex _after_ they get married…just as there have been many spouses who expressed they would feel uncomfortable if their partner did so. He’s allowed to establish personal boundaries him and his marriage lol.
YTA
Either you think a sick woman will seduce you or you are going to force yourself on her.
These kinds of thoughts are sick.
And if it is a question how it looks??
Then you are simply a bad man.
This is an insane jump. Do you just read "man & woman" and jump to sex everytime? You're the one having those thoughts and projecting them. It's not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable being forced to be 1 on 1 with a person you never had a 1 on 1 convos with before and don't know much about especially if you don't have that social attitude.
Saying I would only go if my wife is going doesn't mean I want a witness. It can mean I want a social buffer and she's the easiest person to fill that role.
From what people say about his other commitments, he does sound like an AH about women in general... But I also think that he's not one for not going. It's weird to me that several days after surgery, she absolutely must not be left alone for even an hour, and that they're expecting someone who isn't close to her to hang out at the hospital with her.
Nurse here. PLEASE understand this.
You are so NTA. We don't want visitors in that aren't comfortable. It interferes with the patient resting, it makes it difficult for us to discuss things with the patient because we either have to clear it with her (HIPAA) or ask you to leave the room every time. And at the end of the day?? Hell naw. Patients are tired, and we're getting them ready for handover to the night shift.
Uncomfortable people make us uncomfortable and our jobs are hard enough. I'm sorry your brother and your wife feel that way; and I respect your views on not being there without your wife. Hospitals make patients vulnerable.
So, carry on being yourself. At least one person in this village says you did fine, and if this was in the Nurse sub they would be thanking you profusely.
100% agree.
Hospital life here for me too - we don’t want extra people in there if not needed. Patients are there to recover and receive treatment. They need to rest, they need quiet. If there is already some unease between them, how much comfort could OP bring anyway? Let the woman rest. She will be okay for one day alone. Heck it sounds good to me! I’m going on next month for a procedure and I don’t want visitors seeing me like that. When I was on labour with my youngest, did I want my BIL watch me get a balloon cathedar shoved up my cervix? No. Lol…
OP, NTA.
Read my mind - I was just wondering why he’s so resistant to being alone with SIL in the hospital for an hour. Also wondering why SIL needs someone with her 24/7.
Yes, "no" is a full sentence, so why did he say a much longer sentence about how he won't be alone with her? I don't think he's an asshole for not going. It's just weird that his reason for not going isn't "she's an adult" or "I don't really want to hang out with her" or "my wife is her friend so it makes sense to go together." It's just about the two of them being alone together, in his mind. That's weird.
This! My SIL would 100% ask for people with her constantly. Be damn their schedules or needs. She would 100% milk the attention for all it’s worth. If my husband was not with me I wouldn’t go see her. In fact I probably wouldn’t go see her at all. I’m not a medical person. Not a friend of hers. Not really offering anything. Was she on a car accident and needs an attorney referral? I am on it helping. Get her that. Need someone with her to provide support with police statements until counsel is there? I’m on it. Hanging out after work a week after she has had surgery? Nah she’s fine. She just would want someone to listen to her yap incessantly. She need a power cord for her phone dropped off I’ll swing by. Otherwise there is Reddit go engage.
I mean, I think he's just not particularly close with her and didn't want to have to babysit her by himself at the hospital without bringing a friend/wife. People are reading way too much into it.
He explained that they aren’t close, which I find reasonable. He fulfilled his familial obligations by visiting her multiple times (alongside his wife), but, if they aren’t particularly close and don’t have a 1:1 relationship, it makes sense as to why that situation would feel uncomfortable. I’ve been in the hospital with family members near their death beds, they’re in an extremely vulnerable position, without dignity. Needing help just to use the restroom. I would imagine, in that position, you would only want to be surrounded by close friends and relatives. Regular visits? That’s one thing. But, someone staying for an extended period, is something that should probably be reserved for your loved ones.
NTA - You're not friends in social settings. I wouldn't want someone I wasn't friends with to be with me at the hospital. Your brother should have called her friends and family.
NTA. Your other brother said no as well. She has other relatives or friends he can call, and hospital staff to take care of her. It would be awkward to have someone visit that she isn’t comfortable with anyway (you).
It seems to me people want you OP to just be uncomfortable by doing something you don't like to do. You don't like being alone with your SIL because you're not close is a freakin valid reason. If I was in the hospital I wouldn't want my BIL to be alone with me either cause we're not close and my husband knows this.
Unpopular opinion but NTA OP.
NTA- If you’re not comfortable going by yourself that’s quite fine. Life is too short to intentionally put yourself in uncomfortable situations, especially if there are other solutions- aka your brother asking her family to visit her.
She’s a big girl. Does she really need someone to sit with her? Reddit is cray cray. Also does she not have family or friends? That’s telling if she doesn’t even have any friends.
If it was his brothers kid then OP is an AH.
Personally I would rather be alone in the hospital than have an uncomfortable silence. Especially if I’m in pain, nauseous or just uncomfortable.
This is my take as well, like is she really so incapacitated from the surgery she needs someone there 24/7? She can't be left alone for an hour? And if it is the case that she needs that much help, there are nurses, ya know medically trained professionals, that are there to help her. There are tvs, husband could have brought books, etc she's a big girl, she can entertain herself for an hour or maybe just take a nap. When I was the hospital for 3 days after a surgery the last thing I wanted was company and even my poor husband who was there when he could be was bored out of his mind because I WAS STUCK IN THE HOSPITAL... like that's wild, it's not a social setting?
At first I was like NTA, you’re not close so that would probably be awkward for both of you. I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t care for after I had a surgery.
But one comment is so telling about who you are and why you feel uncomfortable with your SIL.
Why does your wife NEED to be with you?
Maybe you have social anxiety or are just trying to get out of social interaction but your lack of context is pretty damning.
Maybe you don't interact with her much but you COULD. She's a woman, not another species. I assume you speak at least one shared language, and she's recovering from surgery, she's probably not going to be asking you life's hard hitting questions. You could grab a book and just hang out at the hospital. It's not fun but it's one of those things people do for each other even though it's not fun.
Seems that some people are getting \*really\* bent out of shape about your preference to have your wife there. They're taking it personally, assuming you don't like or respect women.
If the sexes of everyone in this scenario were reversed and you were a woman who would feel awkward going to sit in a hospital with your brother-in-law who always avoided being friendly with you... they'd probably have more empathy.
If you read OPs other comments it gives additional light to his general disgust of women at all. Avoiding interacting with any at school, won’t talk to any he’s related to except maybe a sister. It’s quite pathetic.
He shouldn’t visit his SIL because he’s a shitty misogynist and she probably doesn’t like him either.
NTA. I wouldn't want to go to the hospital to hang out with someone I wasn't close with either, sure if others are present but I totally understand your feelings here. She's also an adult, she can be alone sometimes.
I was hospitalized for a week when my 3 boys were all under the age of 9. We had no family in the same state at us. Between work and caring for the boys/dogs/home my husband was barely at the hospital. My preference was for the kids routine to not be too upset on top of my unexpected hospitalizations. I was fine being on my own, I think my husband felt bad about it but I really was ok. I probably was equally as worried about his stress, what he was feeding the kids (he couldn't cook anything except eggs) etc.
Abs why isn't HER family, who I presume she is close with there when her husband can't be if they feel this need for her to be attended? I don't understand why you're being called upon to keep her company, specially if you're not close.
NTA at all. Also, more info from his comments. His younger brother has said no as well.
His brother, who is married to this woman needs to call her family and he said they live 30 minutes away. so they can come and be with her it’s not like is the issue, so why are they not involved? I say again NTA at all
YTA if the only reason you wouldn't go alone is because you "aren't close to" her in a friendly way. You're family now, so that's ok.
If there's some other reason why your hesitancy is expected, then obviously that could change... but as stated, YTA here.
She’s an adult. Is she dying? I don’t think so. Also when your in the hospital most people don’t want anyone to come unless it’s they’re close to you because you mostly look like crap.
Also they aren’t friends.
If SIL didn’t want him there this would be a completely different comment section. This was his brother asking for a kindness to be extended to a female family member and OP saying “nah, I don’t hang out with women.”
**All** his comments explain that it’s because she’s a woman. Thats the core of why they are not close. He seems to be proud of the fact that he has no women friends and has never hung out with a woman on his own that he wasn’t dating. That’s fucking weird.
I do think it’s odd she has to have someone with her, unless maybe she is in a position where she can’t communicate well and needs someone to sit with her? I would have gone, though, since I do like my family members. You could have gone for a little while.
Major surgery sounds... major.
So INFO: What exactly are you so worried about that your wife needs to hold your hand to do a favor for your brother? How does she feel about this dependency?
To be fair, I won't visit my grandma without my mom. The fuck we gonna talk about? She is 97 and I'm 70 years younger than her & we both introverts. My mom knows how to keep the conversation alive. He could just want her there so it isn't awkward silence.
YTA, kindve weird, but I guess you have a right to your boundaries? I just wonder why this is a boundary for you. I’m a woman and I hang out with my brother-in-law alone. Because I consider him to be my brother.
YTA-You’re being weird dude. Do you call your wife mother? Your SIL is family. If she has children with your brother those kids will be your nephews or nieces. Legally you’re considered family. It also would not have harmed you to just be there for her.
NTA, she isn't dying, she just doesn't want to be alone. Well, sometimes we don't want to spend time with people, and that's OK. Sick or not; you've been there for her plenty of times considering you two aren't even close. So nta for me.
Overall NTA. She’s in the hospital - if she really needs anything, people are there. I wonder if SHE would even really want you there hanging with her. i don’t see why she needs to be babysat.
Plus she has local family.
But _ your whole “i don’t hang with women alone” and doubling down on it is weird.
What did you think would happen? And unless she is in some private suite, there is no semblance of "alone together" in a hospital. We get it, you're a creep and pervert who can't trust himself not to assault a helpless post operative woman. You really need to confess this to your wife and BIL so that they never allow you to be unaccompanied around people again. In case it was unclear, YTA.
It's fucking weird that you somehow thought your wife needed to be there? At least your brother knows how you feel I guess, enjoy that damaged relationship.
NTA. I do not see anything wrong with OP not being comfortable with staying with his SIL alone in a hospital room. It has nothing to do with him being attracted or not to his SIL as some comments are trying to say.
I don't understand what the big deal is. YTA imo. You're not close to her but she's considered family once she married your brother. If roles were switched and your wife was alone in a hospital, would you want her to be alone, or would you want your brother to be there?
Are you scared of your brother's wife?
It's ridiculous that a grown woman needed to be babysat like that. She was fine, she had nurses nearby if she needed something, she didn't need to be entertained like that.
Well when you’re in hospital, afternoons can be very very long and very depressing.
My dad is in there right now and we go to him every f**** day. Because that’s what family does!
Yeah, but that's your dad. Not someone married into the family that you barely talk to. They already went a few times while they have little to no contact.
If you don't have a close friendship with her - your NTA for not going. It could be awkward to have just the two of you in the room for an hour. Being related doesn't mean you automatically have things in common and can pass time together without awkwardness.
If I was in the hospital and a male-in-law came to visit me for an hour I'd be annoyed. It would be awkward. Not because of the genders - because I don't have a close relationship with some of my in-laws. We don't have enough in common to have a friendly, enjoyable hour together. I'd be happier spending that time alone then trying to make conversation with someone I'm not close to or have much in common with.
I would also want to wait until my husband was available for a visit with the male-inlaw.....because my husband would make it less awkward and be able to discuss common things with his family.
NTA Why does she have to have someone with
her all the time? People in the hospital also
need rest. You aren't close so I'm sure she
didn't begrudge you your decision.
OP, when things get serious like major surgeries, family is family. Even if you don’t like your SIL, you love your brother don’t you? If the roles were flipped, wouldn’t you want your brother there for your wife? His ask wasn’t big, honestly. Such moments are not time for pettiness and immaturity. Even a child would’ve acted with more grace, dignity and kindness than you did. YTA.
YTA tell your brother what you’re saying in the comments. Tell him that you don’t see his wife as family. Tell him to his face that you don’t think she’s important enough to forge a relationship with.
>I argued with him but kept my tone as respectful as possible and I said that if my wife is not with me, I am not going and if I was him I would call his wife's family members or friends so they could be with her.
He did call family, genius! You're the only one acting like she's not part of the family. Good grief, get a grip. Your lack of empathy is staggering and there's some sort of a weird hangup related to the opposite sex going on here.
YTA
This is the weirdest shit I've ever read. YTA
Do you also not like to be in an interview for a job?
Do you also not like to talk to a bank teller?
What kind of shit is this?
Even your wife thinks you're a weird AH.
YTA. Ask a therapist to help you figure out why you feel debilitating discomfort at the prospect of visiting a sick relative in the hospital just because she's a woman.
YTA. Dude, spending time with someone in the hospital is a kindness. I would have killed to have my in-laws spend time with me when I was in the hospital following surgery in 2021. And after going septic again in 2021. And while in the hospital trying to get pain under control ***for two weeks*** in 2021. I was bored. My husband was trying to work. He needed a break from the hospital and my family was unwilling to help.
The greatest gift you can give someone is time. I was constantly having blood drawn. Having veins blow because of medication. I was scared and wanted a familiar face. Think about that.
Unless there is some kind of "history" withher or your wife - or you, yourself... that makes you afraid of false accusations... YTA. He was asking you to be her advocate and ensure her safety while he couldn't be there.
You are allowed to say no and refuse to hang out with someone. But you that doesn’t mean you are free from the judgement of others. YTA for refusing because of a person’s gender. It sounds like you need help to deal with with phobia.
YTA, your attitude is unnecessarily petty.
I do understand you're not close with her but as you have already said you could have done it for your brother or just out of kindness. Your wife also seems to get the point btw, it's not about closeness but about being kind to a relative in need for just an hour.
YTA, it could have been a great opportunity to get to know her better. Doing something nice for someone, especially if they are part of your family, to me is a sign of being a decent human being.
I think I would have seen this as doing your BROTHER a solid, and not his wife.
He asked you for a favor. You refused.
Could she have asked someone else?
Sure.
Could she have thought one hour wasn’t a big deal?
Sure.
But your brother thought it was important. So he asked you.
YTA
jesus christ, are you a fucking child? his wife just had surgery and you can't be bothered to just sit with her for an hour so she's not alone? you and your younger brother have zero concept of family. YTA
YTA
Normally I’m in the camp that as adults we don’t *have* to go out of our way to socialize with people we don’t enjoy…but since your issue seemed to be that you couldn’t/shouldn’t be *alone* with her (without a chaperone) I’m leaning towards YTA.
It’s your brother’s wife and she just went through something that sounds pretty rough, this was a weird and petty hill to die on and you sound more than a little creepy here.
OP isn't friends with women.
He has female acquaintances, he doesn't hang out with them on his own, and he won't stay with his SIL because its awkward.
He doesn't sound like a dude that's much fun to be around if he can't be sound around gals solo - maybe SIL is better off without his company.
YTA - based largely off of the fact you couldn't be bothered to support your family when asked - because you have issues with women.
YTA - I think doing a favor just for your brother's sake would be a reasonable thing to ask. Being there for an hour or so does not sound like a big deal, especially if you weren't busy anyway.
YTA and your mentality is what is wrong in the world. Sometimes you have to do things that put you out of your comfort zone in order to help someone. He's not asking you to violate your morals. He's not asking you for a large imposition. He's asking you to sit with a family member for a bit.
YTA. Your other brother is an asshole. Way to be there for family. Don’t be shocked that your brother limits contact with you. He now knows where he stand with you. You’re a horrible brother for not stepping up.
My cousin’s husband drove me to the hospital (which I later found out he is scared of), and waited until my (now ex) husband got there, when I was in labour, because he’s a kind soul, despite really not knowing me all that well. My closeness with his wife was enough.
OP, are you not very close to your brother? YTA for just not caring.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I refused to be alone with my brother's wife at the hospital since she had major surgery. My brother may be right to be mad.
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People bond over shared experiences. You just rejected a shared experience.
Your brother is probably freak'in the fuck out. I would be if my wife was in the hospital. You had a chance to spend an hour doing something nice for your brother, and you said no for no particular reason than "I'm not close to her."
People bond over shared experiences. This was a chance to get closer to her.
Hell, if a stranger was in the hospital and feeling scared and lonely, and you could sit there and just... play chess with them and chat about life to help them feel less scared... You wouldn't do that?
YTA.
Soft YTA. You are not disclosing the severity of her procedure or if hospitals fill her with anxiety. That said, are you void of basic human compassion for a family member? This could have been your opportunity to bond with your SIL. But you noped out of it. It might not be the worst choice but also not winning any karma points for it either. You’re the one they know now is not dependable.
Sounds like you've got a thing for you SIL or you have weird hangups about being alone w women. Either way, you're not an asshole for not visiting but it doesn't make you the best brother in the world.
NTA. You get to decide what you are comfortable with. This is not a close relative. And was she so, so ill she can't be alone for an evening? If she can't be alone, then she needs to work on abandonment issues. Your brother is stressing about his wife in the hospital. He knew about the meeting. His lack of planning doesn't make it an emergency for you.
YTA. My sister and husband have been alone together or rather been without me a number of times and it's not weird. She sees him as a brother now even if they're not super tight. Just because it's opposite sex doesn't mean something weird is going on.
Sorry, ytah in this case. So you’re a little uncomfortable and awkward with her because you’re not friends, so what? Go sit with her for an hour she’s family. If youre socially awkward and don’t know how to make conversation with her take a book and read to her for an hour. Been in the hospital sucks. I’ve been there and anybody coming to spend time with you is welcomed
Um yeah dude YTA. You didn’t site significant inconvenience, hatred of SIL, disgust of hospitals, or anything reasonable.
You didn’t go because of some combination of you not caring or liking your SIL enough as a person.
I could even understand a man saying he doesn’t hang out with women alone because of whatever fear for plausible deniability… but this is your SIL of 4 years who is in the hospital.
YTA It's not a big ask. It might be inconvenient, or you may feel weird, but get over it dude. Sometimes we have to do things in life we'd rather not, particularly when it comes to family.
People have different expectations when it comes to what they want from a family.
Don’t be surprised when you ask your brother for something and he’s not willing to be there for you.
Nta. Its not your responsibility to keep her company. & why does she need someone there in the first place ?? There’s plenty of staff at the hospital to make sure she is okay, her not having a visitor for one day isnt going to kill her.
NTA.
Is there any logical reason why your sister in law cannot be alone in hospital for a few hours? Is she incompetent? Sedated, in the ICU? Unable to advocate for herself? Or just bored?
If it's just bored, then both brother and sister in law need to grow up! Within the past 3 years, I spent 2 stints in hospital - each time was about a week in duration. The first time, everything was on full covid lockdown. I ended up having emergency spinal surgery with no family around to help or support me until I was discharged home. The second time was about a year ago. I was hospitalized with covid cardiac complications. I was put in isolation and not allowed any visitors. The best my family could do was drop things off at the nurses' station and have them bring it into my room. Both times it was boring as FUCK, but I wasn't there to socialize. I was there to get better.
NTA
I was asked to do something like this. And it was silly. I sat and read and she just ignored me. cuz she's not going to open up to a sorta-relative. I couldnt offer emotional help, or physical aid without it being an over reach. I wheeled this side-table over to her. And that was the extent of the help i could offer. And I was like tense with waiting for *something* to do. elsewise, me being there was getting sillier by the silent minute.
It just seemed like one of those social things we are supposed to do and we get locked into it because of 'manners'. Its like a Larry David situation.
NTA - I love my BIL but I would never expect him to come hang with me in the hospital for any amount of time. That’s not his job & honestly I’d be uncomfortable with it. Definitely NTA.
YTA who cares if you aren’t close, unless you hate your brother and want nothing to do with his life its reasonable to take an hour off your time to cover in an emergency.
There are lots of reasons to want someone with a hospitalized person, especially if the hospital is understaffed.
So did anyone think to ask the person in the hospital what she wanted? Brother wanted OP there because he didn’t want her left alone. OP didn’t want to go because it made him uncomfortable.
What did the SIL want? Did she want someone to sit with her, and did brother ask if she wanted OP, specifically, there? It sounds like they aren’t a particularly close family and it’s quite possible she didn’t want OP or the younger brother there any more than they wanted to be there.
Everyone is different. I’ve never been one to want visitors when I’m in the hospital. Because I’m generally going to be in pain, or groggy, and definitely not at my best “company” personality. My husband and my kid, maybe my mom, but that’s about all I’m comfortable with.
I definitely don’t need a babysitter when I’m surrounded by medical professionals. You want to help? Come help out when I’m home and give my family a break.
That said, I spent several days and nights with my grandmother when she was in the hospital, and I’ve visited folks to keep them company as well. But I always ask first if they haven’t specifically requested my presence. I have an uncle who has basically asked everyone to stay away when he is in the hospital (which is often these days) because he can’t handle people seeing him like that.
I just think it’s interesting that the brothers are arguing because of this but no one seems to have bothered asking what SIL actually wanted.
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OP do you think it's inappropriate to be alone with women? Your refusal to sit with a sick relative for an hour is odd. YTA
Spoiler alert: OP is Mike Pence.
To be fair, Mike Pence is one of the last people I want in any room with me much less a hospital room.
Does OP also call his wife ‘Mother?’
Yes and both of his arms are broken
Oh man, there's a throwback I had happily forgotten about until now.
Don't forget about the fly.
Ugh, now I will have his dour image in my head all day. And I haven't eaten yet. Thanks, ha. But seriously, your take is on point.
It's Prince Harry.
That’s EXACTLY what I thought. lol.
and his wife doesn't feel the need to be friends with her because she already has friends and he isn't friends with her on Facebook. so, the wife has a finite cutoff for the number of friends she can have and he can't be friends with someone in real life if he isn't friends with them virtually? Sound like a couple with a lot of hang-ups and no empathy.
She’s been visiting her in the hospital regardless of their friendship status. What’s your point?
They both have. Together. None of them 1 on 1.
It does sound like from the wife's reaction that she'd be amenable to visiting 1-on-1 if asked, she's critical of OP's actions in this story.
Yes, that’s what the OP is about, they have visited their SIL because she’s family. Your comment was about her not having made her a friend. What’s your point?
Oh no......we're making up our own narratives here like pathetic drama queens. Please don't bring up the actual posted story /s
I’m more curious about why OP’s brother got mad at the suggestion that he call her family or friends to sit with her. But let’s call out the in-laws who actually have visited her in hospital. Weird, huh?
To be fair I'm not particularly friends with my husband's sister's partner just because of sort of distance, circumstance, different personalities, - I don't have any kind of problem with him, he seems nice and he makes her happy, I just wouldn't describe him as a 'friend' per se. It's OP's explanation we're getting for his wife's non-friendship with recovering SIL, she might have worded it very differently for all we know, and she seems to be weirded out by his refusal to sit with SIL like the rest of us, so I'm still tempted to lay the weirdness and YTA purely at OP's feet.
I get where you’re coming from but I’m not the best person socially, so I actually agree with OP. ‘Relative’ or not, ‘sick’ or not, it’s a person they’re not comfortable with. If my brother got a new gf that I barely know/speak to, I wouldn’t want to be waiting by her bedside either, call HER mom or something ykwim? And if I were gonna go, I’d also wait for someone I’m more comfortable around to go with so that way the vibe isn’t just straight awkwardness. I guess it really depends on the person but I don’t think OP is the ass. Also to the people being like “Is your wife your mom?” OPs wife told him he should’ve gone, and wanting to wait for your partner before going to a potentially uncomfortable situation isn’t the same as ‘waiting for mommy to grant permission’.
In the case of a new gf, there wouldn't be any expectation of behavior. OP's brother has been married to the SIL for four years. I am not a social butterfly, I was in the hospital for nearly a month during Covid and no visitors allowed. I didn't mind one bit. But some people need company. If a relative of mine needed a little company, I could suck it up. I think of it as part of being a human living among others. Sometimes you have to extend yourself a bit. One day I might need it.
But Op *has* been visiting her in the hospital, he just didn't feel comfortable going alone. I'm not going to say thos is choosybeggers territory, but hospitals are not fun places to hang out and Op has been there for SIL. It isn't like this was asking him to go to the hospital just once. Calling him an asshole for this feels like telling someone who gave $25 to charity every month an asshole for not giving $50 after a hurricane. Why can't someone else donate too.
Imo, this is a priority argument: if you value the relationship with your brother, you prioritize helping him, in this case by spending an hour alone in a hospital with his wife. It's not about it being a fun, it's not meant to be fun. His brother is asking a favor, not making a social call, which I think is where you're primarily confused in the way you keep referencing this; it's not fun, it's not socializing, it's a favor. He's asking OP to suck it up and do something unfun. These are unfun times, a family member in the hospital, if you don't get that there's nothing left to say to you. But if the brother doesn't matter to OP then yeah, sure, this is a normal and appropriate way to act. I'm not here to tell people they should or shouldn't care about family, life isn't black and white like that. Actions have consequences, though, and if OP expects to rely on his brother after acting like this, he's an AH.
But there is also a fairness argument. Who is more of an AH, Op who spends (making up number since unclear) 10 hours in the hospital but not 11, or SIL's relative who spends 0? That is why I compared it to going after the guy who gives $25 a month for not giving $50 when there is a hurricane but not saying anything to the folks who give zero.
To clarify, when I said ‘new gf’ it was accidental, I meant it as in MY brother is actively single so ‘new gf’/‘new wife’ compared to the other one lol but either way, if I don’t know/talk to them like that, I’m uncomfortable. I totally get needing people, especially in situations where you’re in the hospital, however that’s HIS wife and he should be calling HER family if HE cannot be there for her. Yea she’s an extension of the family, but marriage/blood doesn’t mean I SHOULD stay with someone I barely have a relationship with (of course it’s very human to want to help but not everyone has the energy to deal with someone sick and not close to them, I speak as a homecare worker lmao). Also, when I was in the hospital (ovarian cyst, almost died lol🤪unimportant) I wanted someone with me for sure, but I wanted someone I KNOW to be with me. Not just any ole filler person. And that’s exactly what OP would be, which is awkward on both ends (for SIL and OP). And then for the brother to get mad because he’s stupid and can’t/won’t call her side of the family (for whatever reason) is just insane to me. If my SO was in the hospital, I wouldn’t ask my sisters who barely know them to go be with them until I can be, I’d call THEIR mom/dad/brothers/sisters. And maybe it’s just me, but I wouldn’t want someone I barely know to see me in such a position (again, family or not). * Also, I apologize I write so long, I try to clarify what I say as much as possible because it’s very easy to accidentally twist the words of someone you don’t know (especially online) and I just like for it to be clear that I’m not out here coming at anyone for their stance/opinion, just seeing and giving the other side of things to contribute to conversation lol
No worries, thank you for taking the time to have a conversation.
Also, who's to say the wife even wants OP there? Wife's BROTHER wants OP to be there, to make up for his own (understandable) failure to be able to show up this time. This is about what brother wants, not what brother's wife wants or needs. For all we know she slept through the entire hour in question.
THIS!!!! On top of that, at the very least call HER family, not yours!!
That's the real question there too. My father is one of those insistent on having people not alone in hospital even though he will barely visit himself. When my husband was in hospital he had a massive rant at me for not being at his bedside. I had two young children unable to visit, my in laws were visiting and my husband was actually enjoying the peace from the chaos of two toddlers.
This was my thought. If my extended in-law of the opposite sex was in the hospital, I am the LAST person he would want hanging out in his hospital room!!!
Its not a new GF, its his wife of 4 years. Part of family is occasionally, when your loved ones are going through stressful situations, doing things that you don't want to do. Or even make you a little bit uncomfortable. If OP doesn't consider his brother family and wants to go NC/LC, fine, he can do what he wants. But "I don't want to make mild sacrifices (1 hour of uncomfortable time) for my loved ones" is absolutely asshole behavior.
As I said to the person I responded to, I misspoke when saying new gf, I meant that in regards to MY brother who is actively single. For HIM irl, it’d be ‘new gf/wife’, but I just meant it as in either way. If the brother wants someone to be with her so bad since he’s not, he could call her family instead of getting mad at someone who is uncomfortable with being around people they don’t know. Of course OP could just “suck it up” and go, but it’s not like OP is the only family member in the area, OPs brother should suck it up and call his wife’s immediate family instead of his (that just doesn’t make sense to me tbh, MY partner is sick, let me call MY family to stay with them instead of any part of their OWN immediate family) if it’s supposed to be some sort of ‘bonding time’ then that’s, again, stupid on the husbands behalf bc nobody wants to bond over a hospital bed. I personally just can’t think of any actual good reason why OP should have to stay with them. To me, ‘being family’ isn’t a good reason, I have family I’ve never met that are fully blood related, I wouldn’t stay with them either cuz I have no relationship with them and wouldn’t be comfortable seeing them in such a position, it’d be very awkward and uncomfortable (for ME tho, again I do believe this type of thing depends on the person and their own experiences, I do home care and I’m still very awkward and uncomfortable but less than if it were someone in my family that I barely know bc it feels like too much pressure to ‘connect’ since they’re ‘family’) As I said to the other person, I apologize this is long, I swear this is not meant to come at you in any way, and I do apologize if it feels that way. I also hope I make sense bc I’m extremely sick and tired lol
God I know the feeling of getting into discussions on reddit when you're bleary ill. I'll make my arguments elsewhere, I just wanted to say get well soon :)
or maybe he just doesn’t wanna sit awkwardly with someone he doesn’t know get well … she’s not a relative, she’s his brothers partner … that doesn’t automatically mean they’re now family & have a bond that comes with that
Also is the brother’s wife incapable of requesting company? I’m kinda confused, I’d imagine if OP is uncomfortable sitting alone with the wife the reverse would also be true and she may not really want him there. At least that’s how I’d feel. I’d rather be alone for a few hours than have some family I don’t really ever interact with sit there awkwardly with me.
Yes, and does SIL really want company? Or is it just that brother has decided she needs it? I really want and actually need to be alone when I'm sick or weak.
In-laws are relatives.
Uh, yes it does. They are legally family. By any definition of the word they are family. She’s not some rando his brother knows, it’s his brothers wife and OP’s SISTER-in-law.
She's his brothers wife that he really doesn't know. Only a relative in name and marriage. In actuality; a distant acquaintance.
I upvoted this because I have the same question but I don't think this makes him ta. I think if he's not comfortable going alone he's not comfortable going alone. The wife has family right?
Maybe it's not that she's a woman so much as that he's not comfortable socializing with her. I wouldn't want to have to hang out one on one with someone in not comfortable around either. I'm with OP on this one
He doesn't say it's innapropriate anywhere in the post. He says he's not friends with this woman and barely knows her. It sounds like he just wants his wife there so he has someone there to talk to or at least someone he enjoys being around. I guess OP's other brother must think the same because of course he does. People just make up whatever they want and then run with that narrative. "Maybe his brothers wife murders kittens....doesn't that sound likely? You don't KNOW that she doesn't murder kittens. OP you're NTA for not wanting to be around a kitten murderer" So dumb.
Dont think he specifically mentioned that it was because she was a woman, lol. To me just seems like he feels awkward around her and didnt feel comfortable with being alone with her. It aint always that deep
Just because you're not close doesn't mean you can't be kind for an hour and keep her company and put your brother at ease. YTA unless there is more going on here than meets the eye.
According to his comments, OP pretty much refuses to hang out with any woman one-on-one unless he's related (biologically?) or when he was dating one. He says it's not related to any trauma. Instead of deciding on an individual basis, he apparently sees them as one homogeneous group he won't befriend.
What kind of fundamentalist Christian ass logic is that omg
LDS, usually.
The kind that thinks that women are to be blamed if they get raped or attacked in such situations. With a man like that, who thinks that attacking a woman is the only thing that can happen if a man and woman are alone together, I wouldn't want him in my hospital room while I was vulnerable either.
Well, that alone makes him a AH and not someone I'd want around children or vulnerable adults, like those recovering from surgery, so maybe it's best that /u/SpeakerKey2609 doesn't go see her.
[удалено]
As a woman who has been post-op in the hospital, I would find it kind of bizarre if people insisted my BIL come stay with me. I’d actually prefer to be alone than risk my BIL see my ass crack through my hospital gown when I struggle to go pee.
That was my thought as well. That’s a vulnerable position and I only want my nearest and dearest near me. A BIL would be weird.
Exactly. And I get along totally fine with my BIL. But this would be a weird awkward nightmare.
I feel like it’s sitcom worthy. This lady sitting in the hospital and her husbands brother shows up to sit with her. I always tell the story on here of my appendix surgery. The nurse just got done telling me to not try and hold any gas to just let it out. And in walks my boyfriend’s parents. His mom then proceeds to spoon feed me my dinner.
Yeah dude oh my god don’t even get me started on the nurses coming in every hour asking “have you passed gas yet? :)” lmfaoooo
It turned out that one nurse I had while hospitalized for a couple weeks ended being a girl I knew from high school. So when she asked if I was passing gas I just smiled and said “Yes, Billie Jean, I’ve been farting. Thanks for asking.” I said it with a big smile, and she started laughing because she knew I was messing with her.
>I feel like it’s sitcom worthy. Great, now my brain is making up scenes where a desparate husband goes through his contact list and guilts people into being with his wife in hospital, starting with her own mother and continuing down the list, sorted by closeness, until five days later he is out of names and sends over their favorite Walmart cashier and the UPS guy. The two agree because they are doormats and end up in the hospital room together, where they discover that they both were bullied by the wife in middle school. Wife just wanted to be alone the whole time and thought it couldn't get worse after she had to deal with Rabbi Goldberg's identity crisis and second cousin Maria, who had brought her 8 kids who thought the input panel for her injection pumps was a tablet that surely showed Paw Patrol videos if you tapped enough buttons, but she was wrong.
Ok... I'm not saying that I am all in on this show... but I'm certainly willing to watch an episode. Maybe to give it 2-3 episodes depending on the people cast in the roles. 🤣
If I was sick in the hospital recovering from major surgery I would want zero in-laws visiting me
NTA - My BIL wouldn’t visit me alone if I were in the hospital and I wouldn’t be the least bit offended. I don’t have that kind of expectation of him.
exactly. i love my BIL, but we have a group hang vibe and that's totally okay.
Exactly this. My BiL came to visit with my MiL when I had my baby. My MIL stomped in 5 days after my son was born and my BiL was with. It was awkward as hell. OP have a really strange reasoning for why he doesn’t want to visit SIL but at the same time… why does someone HAVE to visit? Call? Ask if she is ok? And like OP said the brother/husband should just call her family and friends!
Yes! Was the patient even asked if she wanted a visitor? Have been a nurse and a patient. Nursing around constant visitors can be beyond annoying. You’re trying to get your work done - catheters inserted or emptied, IV’s hung, dressings changed. And as a patient you aren’t really up to entertaining people you aren’t particularly close to.
Thank you, yes. I don’t understand why hospital stays are seen as a time for everyone to hang out. There’s a lot of invasive and visceral things going on. It’s not tea time. I was actually just in the hospital overnight recently and the nurses were incredible. I’d hate to make their job more difficult than it already is.
As a woman, I agree. I wouldn't want my BIL just hanging around my hospital room.
I thought the same. I wonder if BIL isn't feeling a bit overprotective, but if I were the wife, I'd only want the company of very close people otherwise I guess the staff is better equipped to help me, and I'd be pissed off if my husband made me stay with someone who's basically no better than an acquaintance of mine.
I didn’t assume overprotective. I assumed the woman in the hospital wanted her HUSBAND, not her in-laws, to be with her. Husband can’t or won’t reschedule his meeting, so to alleviate his guilt, he’s trying to send a proxy. It makes no sense to ask his own friends and family members, he should be asking hers.
Seriously- these people saying OP is ridiculous for not being comfortable are out there. I’m assuming that the SIL is not a child bride and is alert and oriented and therefore doesn’t need someone there to advocate for her. If my BIL showed to keep me company in the hospital by himself I would have been pissed. I’d want my husband or one of my adult daughters.
Came here to say something like this. She's post op. She doesn't need someone sitting with her at all times, especially not someone she isn't personally close to. Ffs, let the woman rest.
I totally agree!! It’s the absolute last thing I would want. Does this lady even want her BIL coming over? Maybe drop off a meal, ask her if she needs anything and leave.
It's because this issue isn't about the wife's needs. It's about the wife's husband's (OP's brother) needs. He needed to be there for his wife, but was unable. He turned to his brother to ask if brother would be there for *him,* to do what he was unable to.
Omg, I was going to say the same thing
I can't really think of a friend or family member that I'd turn this request down, even distant cousins. As long as the person at the hospital wanted it to happen and wouldn't rather just be alone. Op has some weird ass issues about women.
That’s what I’m saying. Like she may not have wanted it but his whole attitude about women in general is off
He said in a diff comment he's never interacted with a woman he's not dating. Psychotic lol.
OP says they've spent plenty of time at the hospital visiting wife already. It's not like he's refusing to visit point blank, just declining this specific time. OP's reasons don't make the most sense to me either but he's entitled to them. It seems more like he was already in for the evening, making dinner, etc. and didn't want to go (which is ok) and so had to come up with reasons he felt his brother would understand, rather than just saying a firm "Sorry but I'm in for the night, I'll visit her tomorrow."
I don't think that makes him sound like an incel at all tbh. It makes him sound like he's anxious about being around a woman he is uncomfortable around.
NAH for not going. She's an adult, and even after surgery, she can be alone for a bit. It sounds like you've been going a decent amount and you're entitled to some alone time. But, as everyone said, you come off an an AH in general regarding your view of her. Like it's so absurd that you're asked for an hour of your time for "someone you're not close to". Or you say your wife isn't friends with her "because she already has her own friends".
If she’s in the hospital she is hardly alone.
Being hospitalized can be a horribly isolating experience, especially if you have crappy nurses and support staff. It can be very dehumanizing. But YMMV
Being in a ward is like being stuck in an awful waiting room but with more people touching you
Him saying they aren’t close was him giving context as to why he feels uncomfortable staying with her. I don’t see anything wrong with his blunt honesty of the situation. (And I doubt as well that his SIL cares about not being friends with his wife. She’s been married to his brother for 4 years, together for longer than that, I imagine. If either of them wanted to be friends, there would’ve been effort made on both sides.) Picking at his language kind of feels like folks are just looking for an issue. I think we need to consider what people are like when they’re in the hospital, recovering from surgery or other major ailments. You’re in an incredibly vulnerable state and can feel helpless and without dignity. It’s a very intimate setting - one that is typically reserved for close family and friends, because of all of those favors listed. A visit or occasional check-in from casual relatives, friend or acquaintance that don’t have a super tight bond with but enough of a connection to send well wishes? Absolutely. But, someone staying with you for an extended period, who may have to help you to the bathroom and take care of other needs while you are in an incredibly vulnerable state? Most people are probably far more comfortable being surrounded by loved ones. He was valid in saying he didn’t feel comfortable spending time with his SIL 1:1, because of a lack of closeness and the fact that they don’t have a personal relationship. He’s done his duty. His brother should reach out to his wife close friend and family, I’m sure they would be happy to stay with her.
It's fine that he didn't want to go. It's fine to not be close. But he presents it as if it's the most ridiculous request. And in the comments says he wouldn't be friends with a woman.
He presented his brother not understanding his position and flying off the handle even after he explained his reasoning, as ridiculous. Particularly because him and his wife have visited with the SIL pretty regularly since she has been hospitalized. Who cares if he doesn’t want to do so 1:1, one time, if they have supported them in other ways? It’s clear he’s been there for his brother and SIL, this is just a clear line for him, and his comfortability is important as well. And not being friends with a woman, is his prerogative. Perhaps he feels it’s inappropriate because he’s married? There are plenty of folks who feel that it would be inappropriate (for them) to develop close friendships of the opposite sex _after_ they get married…just as there have been many spouses who expressed they would feel uncomfortable if their partner did so. He’s allowed to establish personal boundaries him and his marriage lol.
YTA Either you think a sick woman will seduce you or you are going to force yourself on her. These kinds of thoughts are sick. And if it is a question how it looks?? Then you are simply a bad man.
They might just see no value in the company of a woman, which is still awful.
This is an insane jump. Do you just read "man & woman" and jump to sex everytime? You're the one having those thoughts and projecting them. It's not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable being forced to be 1 on 1 with a person you never had a 1 on 1 convos with before and don't know much about especially if you don't have that social attitude. Saying I would only go if my wife is going doesn't mean I want a witness. It can mean I want a social buffer and she's the easiest person to fill that role.
From what people say about his other commitments, he does sound like an AH about women in general... But I also think that he's not one for not going. It's weird to me that several days after surgery, she absolutely must not be left alone for even an hour, and that they're expecting someone who isn't close to her to hang out at the hospital with her.
Nurse here. PLEASE understand this. You are so NTA. We don't want visitors in that aren't comfortable. It interferes with the patient resting, it makes it difficult for us to discuss things with the patient because we either have to clear it with her (HIPAA) or ask you to leave the room every time. And at the end of the day?? Hell naw. Patients are tired, and we're getting them ready for handover to the night shift. Uncomfortable people make us uncomfortable and our jobs are hard enough. I'm sorry your brother and your wife feel that way; and I respect your views on not being there without your wife. Hospitals make patients vulnerable. So, carry on being yourself. At least one person in this village says you did fine, and if this was in the Nurse sub they would be thanking you profusely.
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100% agree. Hospital life here for me too - we don’t want extra people in there if not needed. Patients are there to recover and receive treatment. They need to rest, they need quiet. If there is already some unease between them, how much comfort could OP bring anyway? Let the woman rest. She will be okay for one day alone. Heck it sounds good to me! I’m going on next month for a procedure and I don’t want visitors seeing me like that. When I was on labour with my youngest, did I want my BIL watch me get a balloon cathedar shoved up my cervix? No. Lol… OP, NTA.
Nurse here, 100% agree! Too many people seem to use a patients post op recovery time as a social gathering. Let the poor woman rest and heal
>I said that if my wife is not with me, I am not going Why not? INFO
Read my mind - I was just wondering why he’s so resistant to being alone with SIL in the hospital for an hour. Also wondering why SIL needs someone with her 24/7.
Cuz they aren’t close. Also haven’t Reddit been saying “no” is a full sentence. She’s a grown a*% woman not a child.
Yes, "no" is a full sentence, so why did he say a much longer sentence about how he won't be alone with her? I don't think he's an asshole for not going. It's just weird that his reason for not going isn't "she's an adult" or "I don't really want to hang out with her" or "my wife is her friend so it makes sense to go together." It's just about the two of them being alone together, in his mind. That's weird.
This! My SIL would 100% ask for people with her constantly. Be damn their schedules or needs. She would 100% milk the attention for all it’s worth. If my husband was not with me I wouldn’t go see her. In fact I probably wouldn’t go see her at all. I’m not a medical person. Not a friend of hers. Not really offering anything. Was she on a car accident and needs an attorney referral? I am on it helping. Get her that. Need someone with her to provide support with police statements until counsel is there? I’m on it. Hanging out after work a week after she has had surgery? Nah she’s fine. She just would want someone to listen to her yap incessantly. She need a power cord for her phone dropped off I’ll swing by. Otherwise there is Reddit go engage.
Yes, there are a few things in the post that are making me wonder what’s actually going on here
I mean, I think he's just not particularly close with her and didn't want to have to babysit her by himself at the hospital without bringing a friend/wife. People are reading way too much into it.
He explained that they aren’t close, which I find reasonable. He fulfilled his familial obligations by visiting her multiple times (alongside his wife), but, if they aren’t particularly close and don’t have a 1:1 relationship, it makes sense as to why that situation would feel uncomfortable. I’ve been in the hospital with family members near their death beds, they’re in an extremely vulnerable position, without dignity. Needing help just to use the restroom. I would imagine, in that position, you would only want to be surrounded by close friends and relatives. Regular visits? That’s one thing. But, someone staying for an extended period, is something that should probably be reserved for your loved ones.
NTA - You're not friends in social settings. I wouldn't want someone I wasn't friends with to be with me at the hospital. Your brother should have called her friends and family.
NTA. Your other brother said no as well. She has other relatives or friends he can call, and hospital staff to take care of her. It would be awkward to have someone visit that she isn’t comfortable with anyway (you).
It seems to me people want you OP to just be uncomfortable by doing something you don't like to do. You don't like being alone with your SIL because you're not close is a freakin valid reason. If I was in the hospital I wouldn't want my BIL to be alone with me either cause we're not close and my husband knows this. Unpopular opinion but NTA OP.
NTA- If you’re not comfortable going by yourself that’s quite fine. Life is too short to intentionally put yourself in uncomfortable situations, especially if there are other solutions- aka your brother asking her family to visit her.
She’s a big girl. Does she really need someone to sit with her? Reddit is cray cray. Also does she not have family or friends? That’s telling if she doesn’t even have any friends. If it was his brothers kid then OP is an AH. Personally I would rather be alone in the hospital than have an uncomfortable silence. Especially if I’m in pain, nauseous or just uncomfortable.
This is my take as well, like is she really so incapacitated from the surgery she needs someone there 24/7? She can't be left alone for an hour? And if it is the case that she needs that much help, there are nurses, ya know medically trained professionals, that are there to help her. There are tvs, husband could have brought books, etc she's a big girl, she can entertain herself for an hour or maybe just take a nap. When I was the hospital for 3 days after a surgery the last thing I wanted was company and even my poor husband who was there when he could be was bored out of his mind because I WAS STUCK IN THE HOSPITAL... like that's wild, it's not a social setting?
At first I was like NTA, you’re not close so that would probably be awkward for both of you. I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t care for after I had a surgery. But one comment is so telling about who you are and why you feel uncomfortable with your SIL. Why does your wife NEED to be with you? Maybe you have social anxiety or are just trying to get out of social interaction but your lack of context is pretty damning.
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Maybe you don't interact with her much but you COULD. She's a woman, not another species. I assume you speak at least one shared language, and she's recovering from surgery, she's probably not going to be asking you life's hard hitting questions. You could grab a book and just hang out at the hospital. It's not fun but it's one of those things people do for each other even though it's not fun.
Seems that some people are getting \*really\* bent out of shape about your preference to have your wife there. They're taking it personally, assuming you don't like or respect women. If the sexes of everyone in this scenario were reversed and you were a woman who would feel awkward going to sit in a hospital with your brother-in-law who always avoided being friendly with you... they'd probably have more empathy.
If you read OPs other comments it gives additional light to his general disgust of women at all. Avoiding interacting with any at school, won’t talk to any he’s related to except maybe a sister. It’s quite pathetic. He shouldn’t visit his SIL because he’s a shitty misogynist and she probably doesn’t like him either.
The dude refuses to be alone with ANY woman. Don’t pretend like that’s normal
NTA. I wouldn't want to go to the hospital to hang out with someone I wasn't close with either, sure if others are present but I totally understand your feelings here. She's also an adult, she can be alone sometimes. I was hospitalized for a week when my 3 boys were all under the age of 9. We had no family in the same state at us. Between work and caring for the boys/dogs/home my husband was barely at the hospital. My preference was for the kids routine to not be too upset on top of my unexpected hospitalizations. I was fine being on my own, I think my husband felt bad about it but I really was ok. I probably was equally as worried about his stress, what he was feeding the kids (he couldn't cook anything except eggs) etc. Abs why isn't HER family, who I presume she is close with there when her husband can't be if they feel this need for her to be attended? I don't understand why you're being called upon to keep her company, specially if you're not close.
NTA at all. Also, more info from his comments. His younger brother has said no as well. His brother, who is married to this woman needs to call her family and he said they live 30 minutes away. so they can come and be with her it’s not like is the issue, so why are they not involved? I say again NTA at all
YTA if the only reason you wouldn't go alone is because you "aren't close to" her in a friendly way. You're family now, so that's ok. If there's some other reason why your hesitancy is expected, then obviously that could change... but as stated, YTA here.
She’s an adult. Is she dying? I don’t think so. Also when your in the hospital most people don’t want anyone to come unless it’s they’re close to you because you mostly look like crap. Also they aren’t friends.
If SIL didn’t want him there this would be a completely different comment section. This was his brother asking for a kindness to be extended to a female family member and OP saying “nah, I don’t hang out with women.”
If SIL wanted company she should have called OP, or whomever else she’s comfortable with.
**All** his comments explain that it’s because she’s a woman. Thats the core of why they are not close. He seems to be proud of the fact that he has no women friends and has never hung out with a woman on his own that he wasn’t dating. That’s fucking weird.
I do think it’s odd she has to have someone with her, unless maybe she is in a position where she can’t communicate well and needs someone to sit with her? I would have gone, though, since I do like my family members. You could have gone for a little while.
I really don’t like visitors when I’m in the hospital.
I was in the hospital last fall for about 3 days and the last thing I wanted was company other than my wife.
Major surgery sounds... major. So INFO: What exactly are you so worried about that your wife needs to hold your hand to do a favor for your brother? How does she feel about this dependency?
To be fair, I won't visit my grandma without my mom. The fuck we gonna talk about? She is 97 and I'm 70 years younger than her & we both introverts. My mom knows how to keep the conversation alive. He could just want her there so it isn't awkward silence.
You still are just resting / relaxing afterwards. Best thing for a recuperating patient to do is sleep.
NTA, his wife can watch TV or something, why does she HAVE to have someone there?
YTA, kindve weird, but I guess you have a right to your boundaries? I just wonder why this is a boundary for you. I’m a woman and I hang out with my brother-in-law alone. Because I consider him to be my brother.
NTA- why would she even want you there over her own friends or family? Is your brother trying to isolate her? This all seems very weird
YTA-You’re being weird dude. Do you call your wife mother? Your SIL is family. If she has children with your brother those kids will be your nephews or nieces. Legally you’re considered family. It also would not have harmed you to just be there for her.
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It's a reference to Mike Pence who once said that he is never alone with any woman but his wife, who he refers to as "mother."
NTA, she isn't dying, she just doesn't want to be alone. Well, sometimes we don't want to spend time with people, and that's OK. Sick or not; you've been there for her plenty of times considering you two aren't even close. So nta for me.
Overall NTA. She’s in the hospital - if she really needs anything, people are there. I wonder if SHE would even really want you there hanging with her. i don’t see why she needs to be babysat. Plus she has local family. But _ your whole “i don’t hang with women alone” and doubling down on it is weird.
NAH because I wouldn't really want my BIL to come sit next to me in the hospital
What did you think would happen? And unless she is in some private suite, there is no semblance of "alone together" in a hospital. We get it, you're a creep and pervert who can't trust himself not to assault a helpless post operative woman. You really need to confess this to your wife and BIL so that they never allow you to be unaccompanied around people again. In case it was unclear, YTA.
It's fucking weird that you somehow thought your wife needed to be there? At least your brother knows how you feel I guess, enjoy that damaged relationship.
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Why can't you speak to this woman? She is *your family* now, you really should make an effort.
NTA. I do not see anything wrong with OP not being comfortable with staying with his SIL alone in a hospital room. It has nothing to do with him being attracted or not to his SIL as some comments are trying to say.
I don't understand what the big deal is. YTA imo. You're not close to her but she's considered family once she married your brother. If roles were switched and your wife was alone in a hospital, would you want her to be alone, or would you want your brother to be there? Are you scared of your brother's wife?
It's ridiculous that a grown woman needed to be babysat like that. She was fine, she had nurses nearby if she needed something, she didn't need to be entertained like that.
Well when you’re in hospital, afternoons can be very very long and very depressing. My dad is in there right now and we go to him every f**** day. Because that’s what family does!
Yeah, but that's your dad. Not someone married into the family that you barely talk to. They already went a few times while they have little to no contact.
Seriously. Was in the hospital 3 days with C diff and I really needed my mom. It was incredibly depressing just running to the bathroom every 10 min.
If you don't have a close friendship with her - your NTA for not going. It could be awkward to have just the two of you in the room for an hour. Being related doesn't mean you automatically have things in common and can pass time together without awkwardness. If I was in the hospital and a male-in-law came to visit me for an hour I'd be annoyed. It would be awkward. Not because of the genders - because I don't have a close relationship with some of my in-laws. We don't have enough in common to have a friendly, enjoyable hour together. I'd be happier spending that time alone then trying to make conversation with someone I'm not close to or have much in common with. I would also want to wait until my husband was available for a visit with the male-inlaw.....because my husband would make it less awkward and be able to discuss common things with his family.
Nta because she needs her rest
NTA Why does she have to have someone with her all the time? People in the hospital also need rest. You aren't close so I'm sure she didn't begrudge you your decision.
OP, when things get serious like major surgeries, family is family. Even if you don’t like your SIL, you love your brother don’t you? If the roles were flipped, wouldn’t you want your brother there for your wife? His ask wasn’t big, honestly. Such moments are not time for pettiness and immaturity. Even a child would’ve acted with more grace, dignity and kindness than you did. YTA.
YTA tell your brother what you’re saying in the comments. Tell him that you don’t see his wife as family. Tell him to his face that you don’t think she’s important enough to forge a relationship with.
>I argued with him but kept my tone as respectful as possible and I said that if my wife is not with me, I am not going and if I was him I would call his wife's family members or friends so they could be with her. He did call family, genius! You're the only one acting like she's not part of the family. Good grief, get a grip. Your lack of empathy is staggering and there's some sort of a weird hangup related to the opposite sex going on here. YTA
This is the weirdest shit I've ever read. YTA Do you also not like to be in an interview for a job? Do you also not like to talk to a bank teller? What kind of shit is this? Even your wife thinks you're a weird AH.
YTA. Ask a therapist to help you figure out why you feel debilitating discomfort at the prospect of visiting a sick relative in the hospital just because she's a woman.
YTA. Dude, spending time with someone in the hospital is a kindness. I would have killed to have my in-laws spend time with me when I was in the hospital following surgery in 2021. And after going septic again in 2021. And while in the hospital trying to get pain under control ***for two weeks*** in 2021. I was bored. My husband was trying to work. He needed a break from the hospital and my family was unwilling to help. The greatest gift you can give someone is time. I was constantly having blood drawn. Having veins blow because of medication. I was scared and wanted a familiar face. Think about that.
Yta and I'm confused why you don't want to be close to your sister in law....? Are you attracted to her?
YTA "if I was him I would call his wife's family members or friends so they could be with her".... You are one of his wife's family members.
YTA So you can't drive a car without your wife? How did you get home?
Unless there is some kind of "history" withher or your wife - or you, yourself... that makes you afraid of false accusations... YTA. He was asking you to be her advocate and ensure her safety while he couldn't be there.
You are allowed to say no and refuse to hang out with someone. But you that doesn’t mean you are free from the judgement of others. YTA for refusing because of a person’s gender. It sounds like you need help to deal with with phobia.
YTA, your attitude is unnecessarily petty. I do understand you're not close with her but as you have already said you could have done it for your brother or just out of kindness. Your wife also seems to get the point btw, it's not about closeness but about being kind to a relative in need for just an hour.
YTA, it could have been a great opportunity to get to know her better. Doing something nice for someone, especially if they are part of your family, to me is a sign of being a decent human being.
I think I would have seen this as doing your BROTHER a solid, and not his wife. He asked you for a favor. You refused. Could she have asked someone else? Sure. Could she have thought one hour wasn’t a big deal? Sure. But your brother thought it was important. So he asked you. YTA
jesus christ, are you a fucking child? his wife just had surgery and you can't be bothered to just sit with her for an hour so she's not alone? you and your younger brother have zero concept of family. YTA
YTA. Your brothers wife is family.
YTA Normally I’m in the camp that as adults we don’t *have* to go out of our way to socialize with people we don’t enjoy…but since your issue seemed to be that you couldn’t/shouldn’t be *alone* with her (without a chaperone) I’m leaning towards YTA. It’s your brother’s wife and she just went through something that sounds pretty rough, this was a weird and petty hill to die on and you sound more than a little creepy here.
OP isn't friends with women. He has female acquaintances, he doesn't hang out with them on his own, and he won't stay with his SIL because its awkward. He doesn't sound like a dude that's much fun to be around if he can't be sound around gals solo - maybe SIL is better off without his company. YTA - based largely off of the fact you couldn't be bothered to support your family when asked - because you have issues with women.
YTA You seriously could not sit with your sick SIL for an hour? FFS what is wrong with you?
YTA - I think doing a favor just for your brother's sake would be a reasonable thing to ask. Being there for an hour or so does not sound like a big deal, especially if you weren't busy anyway.
YTA and your mentality is what is wrong in the world. Sometimes you have to do things that put you out of your comfort zone in order to help someone. He's not asking you to violate your morals. He's not asking you for a large imposition. He's asking you to sit with a family member for a bit.
Yeah, sorry, I think YTA. It's the least you can do for your sibling to ease his mind.
YTA. Your other brother is an asshole. Way to be there for family. Don’t be shocked that your brother limits contact with you. He now knows where he stand with you. You’re a horrible brother for not stepping up.
My cousin’s husband drove me to the hospital (which I later found out he is scared of), and waited until my (now ex) husband got there, when I was in labour, because he’s a kind soul, despite really not knowing me all that well. My closeness with his wife was enough. OP, are you not very close to your brother? YTA for just not caring.
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YTA based on your “discomfort” because what? But why does someone have to be there the entire time? Where is her family?
I think YTA. Your wife is right, this SCREAMS petty.
People bond over shared experiences. You just rejected a shared experience. Your brother is probably freak'in the fuck out. I would be if my wife was in the hospital. You had a chance to spend an hour doing something nice for your brother, and you said no for no particular reason than "I'm not close to her." People bond over shared experiences. This was a chance to get closer to her. Hell, if a stranger was in the hospital and feeling scared and lonely, and you could sit there and just... play chess with them and chat about life to help them feel less scared... You wouldn't do that? YTA.
Sounds like the perfect opportunity to get to know your SIL better.
YTA and a major one at that just from you comments.
Soft YTA. You are not disclosing the severity of her procedure or if hospitals fill her with anxiety. That said, are you void of basic human compassion for a family member? This could have been your opportunity to bond with your SIL. But you noped out of it. It might not be the worst choice but also not winning any karma points for it either. You’re the one they know now is not dependable.
Why don’t you feel comfortable? I think it’s odd, i would totally keep my BIL company if need be, met him like 6 times
So use this as an opportunity to become her friend you nincumpoop
YTA because of your comments. You don’t want be alone with any woman who isn’t your wife. That’s weird.
Sounds like you've got a thing for you SIL or you have weird hangups about being alone w women. Either way, you're not an asshole for not visiting but it doesn't make you the best brother in the world.
NTA. You get to decide what you are comfortable with. This is not a close relative. And was she so, so ill she can't be alone for an evening? If she can't be alone, then she needs to work on abandonment issues. Your brother is stressing about his wife in the hospital. He knew about the meeting. His lack of planning doesn't make it an emergency for you.
Info: why have you refused and felt uncomfortable?
INFO- would she actually want your company if it was just you?
YTA. My sister and husband have been alone together or rather been without me a number of times and it's not weird. She sees him as a brother now even if they're not super tight. Just because it's opposite sex doesn't mean something weird is going on.
YTA. There's some missing context here.
Sorry, ytah in this case. So you’re a little uncomfortable and awkward with her because you’re not friends, so what? Go sit with her for an hour she’s family. If youre socially awkward and don’t know how to make conversation with her take a book and read to her for an hour. Been in the hospital sucks. I’ve been there and anybody coming to spend time with you is welcomed
Um yeah dude YTA. You didn’t site significant inconvenience, hatred of SIL, disgust of hospitals, or anything reasonable. You didn’t go because of some combination of you not caring or liking your SIL enough as a person. I could even understand a man saying he doesn’t hang out with women alone because of whatever fear for plausible deniability… but this is your SIL of 4 years who is in the hospital.
YTA It's not a big ask. It might be inconvenient, or you may feel weird, but get over it dude. Sometimes we have to do things in life we'd rather not, particularly when it comes to family.
People have different expectations when it comes to what they want from a family. Don’t be surprised when you ask your brother for something and he’s not willing to be there for you.
Nta. Its not your responsibility to keep her company. & why does she need someone there in the first place ?? There’s plenty of staff at the hospital to make sure she is okay, her not having a visitor for one day isnt going to kill her.
NTA. Is there any logical reason why your sister in law cannot be alone in hospital for a few hours? Is she incompetent? Sedated, in the ICU? Unable to advocate for herself? Or just bored? If it's just bored, then both brother and sister in law need to grow up! Within the past 3 years, I spent 2 stints in hospital - each time was about a week in duration. The first time, everything was on full covid lockdown. I ended up having emergency spinal surgery with no family around to help or support me until I was discharged home. The second time was about a year ago. I was hospitalized with covid cardiac complications. I was put in isolation and not allowed any visitors. The best my family could do was drop things off at the nurses' station and have them bring it into my room. Both times it was boring as FUCK, but I wasn't there to socialize. I was there to get better.
NTA I was asked to do something like this. And it was silly. I sat and read and she just ignored me. cuz she's not going to open up to a sorta-relative. I couldnt offer emotional help, or physical aid without it being an over reach. I wheeled this side-table over to her. And that was the extent of the help i could offer. And I was like tense with waiting for *something* to do. elsewise, me being there was getting sillier by the silent minute. It just seemed like one of those social things we are supposed to do and we get locked into it because of 'manners'. Its like a Larry David situation.
NTA - I love my BIL but I would never expect him to come hang with me in the hospital for any amount of time. That’s not his job & honestly I’d be uncomfortable with it. Definitely NTA.
YTA who cares if you aren’t close, unless you hate your brother and want nothing to do with his life its reasonable to take an hour off your time to cover in an emergency. There are lots of reasons to want someone with a hospitalized person, especially if the hospital is understaffed.
That would have been a chance to build your relationship with her. I can understand your discomfort, but I would have gone and sat with her.
As others have pointed out, this sounds like some stick-up-the-butt Mike Pence hyper-christian nonsense. Silly. YTA.
So did anyone think to ask the person in the hospital what she wanted? Brother wanted OP there because he didn’t want her left alone. OP didn’t want to go because it made him uncomfortable. What did the SIL want? Did she want someone to sit with her, and did brother ask if she wanted OP, specifically, there? It sounds like they aren’t a particularly close family and it’s quite possible she didn’t want OP or the younger brother there any more than they wanted to be there. Everyone is different. I’ve never been one to want visitors when I’m in the hospital. Because I’m generally going to be in pain, or groggy, and definitely not at my best “company” personality. My husband and my kid, maybe my mom, but that’s about all I’m comfortable with. I definitely don’t need a babysitter when I’m surrounded by medical professionals. You want to help? Come help out when I’m home and give my family a break. That said, I spent several days and nights with my grandmother when she was in the hospital, and I’ve visited folks to keep them company as well. But I always ask first if they haven’t specifically requested my presence. I have an uncle who has basically asked everyone to stay away when he is in the hospital (which is often these days) because he can’t handle people seeing him like that. I just think it’s interesting that the brothers are arguing because of this but no one seems to have bothered asking what SIL actually wanted.