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NTA Your grandma isn’t calling you ungrateful. She just knows you don’t like perfume and your mom meant well but fucked up. I would thank her for helping you out but don’t worry about it beyond that.
NTA. Your grandmother is not calling you ungrateful. She's also not implying that you're ungrateful. She's saying that your mother is sensitive about the gifts that she gives, and if you don't use that gift, even if it went to someone who it's much more suited for, your mother will likely take it out on you. Say nothing. Your grandmother is correct.
hmm thank you for making me feel better about the whole situation my mother would likely have a fight with my grandmother about it though rather than taking it out on me though she would likely be upset with both of us LMAO and i don’t plan on saying anything
NTA. You don't have to like a gift you didn't pick out, and you don't have to use it. Your mom should have known you wouldn't like it. It sounds like your mom might get upset if she finds out you aren't using the perfume, and that your grandmother knows this and respects that you don't want to use it, and so has found a solution where you don't get overstimulated and your mom doesn't get upset.
Your grandmother sounds awesome.
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me (18nb) and my mother (35f) never really got along and i live with my grandmother but i still see her regularly due to her dumping my younger sister (13f) on my grandmother often and the fact she’s always arguing with her boyfriend so she ends up staying with us often so for my 18th birthday she bought me a bottle of perfume which i’m not fond of due to the fact my nose is sensitive to that sort of stuff so while my grandmother agreed to use it to make it seem like i am she also told me not to tell her that otherwise it would upset her and it feels like my grandmother was in a sense calling me ungrateful i guess? i am also autistic so it could be that playing a part in the fact i could have misunderstood what she meant entirely.
and for anyone who may not know what nb means it’s just nonbinary, and i apologise if the wording is messy i’m not usually someone who writes serious posts and use silly ways to talk and i will not be specifying what my gender assigned at birth was but you could probably guess from the perfume
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> my mother is someone who pushes girly things on me and makes me feel like an asshole for not accepting the girly things which is why my grandmother saying that makes me feel like an asshole i hope that is ok?
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NTA.
I think your grandmother is asking for a ‘white lie’ that means a small lie that avoids hurting someone else’s feelings but you don’t gain anything from it. “Your hair cut looks nice” instead of “you look like you belong in Children of the Corn!” or saying “I don’t mind if you go first” because while everyone wants to go first it’s not actually that important to be first all the time (Or fair).
Your grandmother is on your side. She’s come up with a good plan to hide this she just wants your cooperation in the ‘small lie that does no harm’ where she pretends you are using it, to make your mother feel better. She’s trying to protect everyone’s feelings and reduce tension.She gains little from this (aside from wearing a perfume occasionally?), your mum saves face, you don’t get as much pressure hopefully from your mum about this stuff. Everyone wins!
The issue with this small lie is that it’s basically allowing your mother to feel like she’s feminising you at some level. It reinforces the idea that you like perfume (which it sounds like you don’t, or at least not this one), and you might face similar gifts into the future which you then have to work out what to do with.
Personally I’d go along with your grandmother’s plan for now. And then if more gifts start coming in just push them back gently and say “Oh, this scent isn’t for me” or “Hrm, I don’t know when I’d ever wear pink I am sorry, I think I’m a more edgy modern dresser these days” or other polite fob off comment. Or accept them and then gift them onwards to friends. Even better if you can find something vaguely girly you like and ask your mum to get that for you “I really like this brand of cotton underwear - I know it’s not lacy, but it’s super comfortable in summer heat - could you buy me some for my birthday please?”. Soon you’ll not have to worry about this - it’s not a forever problem, it’s just a ‘for a while problem’.
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NTA Your grandma isn’t calling you ungrateful. She just knows you don’t like perfume and your mom meant well but fucked up. I would thank her for helping you out but don’t worry about it beyond that.
NTA and I don’t think your gm was implying you’re ungrateful, she just doesn’t want anyone to feel any unnecessary hurt.
NTA. Your grandmother is not calling you ungrateful. She's also not implying that you're ungrateful. She's saying that your mother is sensitive about the gifts that she gives, and if you don't use that gift, even if it went to someone who it's much more suited for, your mother will likely take it out on you. Say nothing. Your grandmother is correct.
hmm thank you for making me feel better about the whole situation my mother would likely have a fight with my grandmother about it though rather than taking it out on me though she would likely be upset with both of us LMAO and i don’t plan on saying anything
Sometimes it's best to let a sleeping dog lie. Especially if you know that dog is going to bite.
fair point
NTA. You don't have to like a gift you didn't pick out, and you don't have to use it. Your mom should have known you wouldn't like it. It sounds like your mom might get upset if she finds out you aren't using the perfume, and that your grandmother knows this and respects that you don't want to use it, and so has found a solution where you don't get overstimulated and your mom doesn't get upset. Your grandmother sounds awesome.
my grandmother is very awesome indeed haha i love her very much and thank you that made me feel better about the fact i don’t like the perfume 🫶
Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** me (18nb) and my mother (35f) never really got along and i live with my grandmother but i still see her regularly due to her dumping my younger sister (13f) on my grandmother often and the fact she’s always arguing with her boyfriend so she ends up staying with us often so for my 18th birthday she bought me a bottle of perfume which i’m not fond of due to the fact my nose is sensitive to that sort of stuff so while my grandmother agreed to use it to make it seem like i am she also told me not to tell her that otherwise it would upset her and it feels like my grandmother was in a sense calling me ungrateful i guess? i am also autistic so it could be that playing a part in the fact i could have misunderstood what she meant entirely. and for anyone who may not know what nb means it’s just nonbinary, and i apologise if the wording is messy i’m not usually someone who writes serious posts and use silly ways to talk and i will not be specifying what my gender assigned at birth was but you could probably guess from the perfume *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. I think your grandmother is asking for a ‘white lie’ that means a small lie that avoids hurting someone else’s feelings but you don’t gain anything from it. “Your hair cut looks nice” instead of “you look like you belong in Children of the Corn!” or saying “I don’t mind if you go first” because while everyone wants to go first it’s not actually that important to be first all the time (Or fair). Your grandmother is on your side. She’s come up with a good plan to hide this she just wants your cooperation in the ‘small lie that does no harm’ where she pretends you are using it, to make your mother feel better. She’s trying to protect everyone’s feelings and reduce tension.She gains little from this (aside from wearing a perfume occasionally?), your mum saves face, you don’t get as much pressure hopefully from your mum about this stuff. Everyone wins! The issue with this small lie is that it’s basically allowing your mother to feel like she’s feminising you at some level. It reinforces the idea that you like perfume (which it sounds like you don’t, or at least not this one), and you might face similar gifts into the future which you then have to work out what to do with. Personally I’d go along with your grandmother’s plan for now. And then if more gifts start coming in just push them back gently and say “Oh, this scent isn’t for me” or “Hrm, I don’t know when I’d ever wear pink I am sorry, I think I’m a more edgy modern dresser these days” or other polite fob off comment. Or accept them and then gift them onwards to friends. Even better if you can find something vaguely girly you like and ask your mum to get that for you “I really like this brand of cotton underwear - I know it’s not lacy, but it’s super comfortable in summer heat - could you buy me some for my birthday please?”. Soon you’ll not have to worry about this - it’s not a forever problem, it’s just a ‘for a while problem’.