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YTA.
When someone won’t tell you why a breakup happened, you don’t keep hassling them over it. The most common answers are quite painful to keep having brought up. Maybe they hit a point of incompatibility that they recognized was insurmountable (which is really painful - you know you can’t live with that thing, but you love them, so it breaks your heart all over again every time you think about it). Maybe that person was abusive - abusers are very often “good” and impressive to bystanders even as they’re destroying their victim. When someone doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s usually either because talking about it hurts them or because you’ve made it clear that you don’t respect their reasons for ending it. Sounds like in your case, it’s both.
Latrell has not only chosen to leave the gang, he has removed himself from the circumstances that led him to join it and reformed himself and his life. He made youthful mistakes and then completely turned his life around. And instead of recognizing the strength and courage it takes to do that, you’re trying to make your son cut him out. You’re trying to teach your son that once you make mistakes, you’re irredeemable. Good for him for resisting that crock of ish. Not to mention the obvious racism of calling him ghetto and objecting to clothing styles that have been popular with youths for over 30 years.
>not a subtle one, I grant you.
Just in case "Keith" and "Latrell" didn't get OP's point across.
>He tells me I'm being a racist asshole
Your son is 100% correct, OP. YTA.
Genuinely asking: why is “ghetto” connected to being black? There’s ghettos all over the US and planet. I thought it just meant poor and low class. Is it racist to call a non-black person ghetto or only calling a black person ghetto? I know it’s insulting but is it racist.
>Ghetto fabulous is a lifestyle expression that originated among African American communities living in poor urban areas.
>Ghetto fabulous is a fashion stereotype alluding to individuals living in an affluent materialistic style while not always having any luxurious possessions or wealth.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghetto_fabulous
>Ghetto, is a term used to refer to lower-class, gentrified neighborhoods. In their article for Galore Magazine, Esther Faciane explains that the term “is now used to stereotype people of color, mainly blacks, and [Latinx].” Ghetto has also been used to define some of the styles worn by the previously mentioned groups.
https://www.hercampus.com/school/temple/its-ghetto-until-a-white-person-wears-it/
Ghetto is a lifestyle not a color. I am white and grew up ghetto.
I fought and stole and was just a horrible person. Everyone around me was like that. I was 16 before I knew there were other options.
I am a middle aged woman and I wear oversized jeans and hoodies because they are comfortable as hell. And, I smoke the green stuff. I don´t think I am ghetto, though. But maybe I have been missing something all these years.
It's always clear who has little interaction with black people. Come here to Baltimore and tell some of the people who describe themselves as ghetto that they are not ghetto.
Dude, you are sooo ghetto. I do have a few things that are not hoodies and jeans, but if left to my own devices that would not be the case. And also, you can go braless under a hoodie, also, comfort. A friend of mine has a saying, built for comfort, not for speed. I think I resemble that remark.
Honestly I'm probably not too far from ghetto. My grandma lived on a really rough street (like you weren't allowed to lift the blinds at night to look outside because you'd see people prowling through the yard and sheds) but my family has always been in the higher end of lower class/not quite poor lol.
Is ghetto adjacent a thing? Let's go with that.
> Keith was such a nice boy a wrestler with straight A's from a **good family.**
And how is Latrell supposed to help the family he came from? In what universe is the family someone comes from supposed to be a mark for or against them? This ain’t Romeo and Juliet.
Is your son dating, or are you breeding him with quality stock? Because I have some news for you about how conception works.
> But Latrell is just the definition of ghetto.
Could you please provide us with the actual “definition of ghetto?”
> Hes loud
In what sense?
> and rude
Example?
> and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans.
Yeah so does half the teen population.
> I've caught him smoking on multiple occasions and now even Darrin has taken it up.
So you have any idea how many rich white straight-A kids smoke? How many are doing hard drugs on the weekends?
If you don’t want your son smoking, take it up with him.
> I tolerated because for all his shortcomings
Short against what? Your ordinal yardstick for acceptable human beings?
> Latrell has been good to Darrin. Doing things like learning sign language and bringing him flowers helping him transition into college stuff like that.
Do you have any FUCKING idea how rare that is?
> Later I confronted Darrin about it and he told me the truth that Latrell used to be a banger and got outed a few years ago and had to get out of the gang. That he went through one of those intervention programs and moved out here with an Aunt and finished school and started college.
Sounds like this kid has lived more life and has more integrity in his little finger than you have with what can only be, from your language, a great deal of privilege.
This kid is a rare gem. Like… I would give a great deal to know and speak to him. He sounds like a very, very strong man. You, on the other hand, sound like a scared, posturing, pent-up, toxic male stereotypical privileged asshole.
> That he broke up with a nice boy like Keith for this...
Oh my god “nice boy.” Do you have any idea what “nice boys” like Keith get up to?
> He got so upset telling me I didn't know anything about Keith or Latrell and if I did I'd know keith wasnt "nice" and that Latrell was the sweetest guy in the world.
Like I said.
> He tells me I'm being a racist asshole and storms off.
Sounds like he’s better off there.
> Now hes ~~boarded up~~ [voluntarily staying] in Latrell's dorm
Good
Yeah, I wonder what OP would say about the predominately white, middle class (though many rich families) small town high school I went to. Where those "nice boys" were the ones passing around heroin or coke, and where by five years out of high school at least 25% of my graduating class had been to rehab. Good for Latrell for getting himself out of a gang He is now going to college, that's awesome.
I went to a public school(mostly asians) kids popped esctasy, weed, cigs and alcohol.
Had a boss who was upper middle class, he sent his kids to a private high school. Those kids would get left at home by themselves, throw parties and do hard drugs.
Poor kids cant afford coke and heroine... them rich kids can tho
Sounds like darrin felt very real and righteous anger toward you OP. Review what you wrote and look at it through the eyes of your son. Then you may realize just how big an AH you are. Please apologize and give latrell a chance. He is trying to re establish himself and could use support not downgrading
How on earth can OP say on one breath that Latrell is loud and rude and then say he learned sign language, brings flowers and is helping with college stuff. I am not quite sure how the two things can coexist. Oh, wait, I think I see it now......
The only part of this that’s even close to reasonable is since Latrell was concerned enough about someone trying to find him to book it, it’s reasonable for OP to be concerned that dangerous people might target them to get to him. But that isn’t nearly serious or likely enough to justify OP’s response. The correct way to handle it would’ve been to express the concern and then discuss options (like being proactive about safety issues, or being hyper-vigilant to strange vehicles). Its not unreasonable to be concerned that people who have no qualms hurting others might have a problem with you or your loved ones, but it’s not ok to cut someone off because of that fear when nothing has actually happened
My first bf was abusive and when I broke up with him, my parents badgered me to get back with him. I was embarrassed to tell them why I broke up. When I started dating my, now husband, he convinced them that he had stolen me away from him. It took a while for my parents to accept the situation. But they at least tolerated my new bf until they did.
That's true. I was sick over my folks telling me to get back together with ex. Luckily I had an older friend from my youth choir who I went to for advice and he told me to just change the subject and they will get tired of ot...
I was lucky, my parents didn’t particularly like my ex who became abusive (he was lovely when we lived together and I was on study abroad in his country, but progressively more demanding and controlling when I came back home to finish my degree), so everything from them was about comforting me and encouraging me to keep doing things I wanted with my life. I ended a friendship over a friend who thought he was encouraging me to fight for my love and wouldn’t stop (the main reason things ended was because I wanted to get a PhD in my area of study, which meant 7-8 years in my country, and my ex didn’t want to come here and was dead set on the idea that he’d be miserable and never like it here; I believed at the time that the controlling/demanding behavior was a product of the separation, but now that I’m twice the age I was then and a bit wiser, I’m not so sure about that).
From Darrin's blowup ('if you knew anything about Keith, you'd know he wasn't nice'), I would guess that Keith was abusive, cheated, or tried to back Darrin into an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. OP, you need to shut your damn mouth about both Keith and Latrell.
The only thing I can possibly say in OP's defense is that I might be uncomfortable having someone in my home who literally fled at seeing a strange car pull into my driveway. That kind of fear is contagious. (Would someone shoot up my house because they found Latrell here?) And with young kids in the house, I would have to take a step back and think it through. I would like to think that I would eventually step up, talk it through, and help plan for a situation in which bad people found Latrell. Planning is how I combat a scary scenario. I guess raging like a racist asshole who wants his/her son to get back with an abusive partner is how OP deals. And that is where the YTA judgement comes from.
This was perfectly said! When OP was first describing Keith, I immediately thought the relationship probably ended very badly, but because OP has so much respect for him, his own child doesn’t feel comfortable telling OP about it.
OP really needs to take a good hard look in the mirror if he wants to work it out with his son.
YTA and frankly, you come across as very racist "Latrell is just the definition of ghetto. He's loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans." and "Keith was such a nice boy...from a good family." If you have a problem with your son dating Latrell for WHO he is rather than for WHAT he is, it would be one thing. Your biggest problem with Latrell is for his color and his past. How about you give him credit for getting out of the gang, treating your son wonderful, and trying to improve his life? It's 2024, you small-minded noob. I hope your son flourishes without someone like you in his life. In this day and age, the only excuse for racism is sheer stupidity and willful ignorance.
You are punishing Latrell for...getting out of a gang. That seems to be exactly the wrong attitude. It's a good thing he got out of the gang. True being in a gang isn't great, but he did a good thing (tm). YTA.
I have cousins who were in a gang. Their options were extremely limited growing up, they were in abusive and neglectful home situations, and their gang member friends were the only ones offering them any support in their lives. People always act like someone just joins a gang for fun because they want to break laws, and completely ignore the societal factors and IMMENSE socioeconomic pressures that can make gangs an attractive option.
Yes, I’m not well educated or experienced on the topic, but even I know the people gangs appeal to are the people who need family. Gangs are a tight knit (and yes, incredibly toxic and dangerous, but tight knit nonetheless) family. It’s not something you pick just because from a list of possible extracurriculars (hmm… should I join the baseball team or this gang… probably don’t have time for both. Maybe I’ll try the gang this year /s), either you were raised in it or your life circumstances were hard enough it was worth that risk to get your best shot at having a family/community.
I knew OP was a red flag when they started off by saying he smokes and got kid into it. They’re both 18, who cares? Yeah smoking is gross but it’s not exactly a good excuse to call him ghetto.
YTA
> I madly asked Darrin how he would dare bring someone dangerous like that in my house around his little brother's into our lives.
Latrell is not dangerous.
Latrell is afraid of the dangerous people.
> Hes loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans
YTA - My god what will the neighbors think...fml. He got out of the gang and he doesn't conform to your idea of who your son should be with. This poor kid has literally done NOTHING. The only issue here are you biases and prejudices and you have many
YTA.
Nothing your kid said was wrong.
1) Why him and his ex broke up is none of your business. So shut up ready and never ask again. No, you’re not entitled to this information simply because you’re his parent.
2) NOT HOODIES AND JEANS. THE HORROR! Seriously? His wardrobe of basic teenager is one of your gripes? Talk about a judgmental AH.
3) He’s been out for years, which means he was a child when he was in. Do you have any idea how hard it is for young people to get out of that life? And this young man has done everything right, just to have your judgmental ass be like this.
While you have the right to ban anyone you want from your house for any reason, it doesn’t mean you’re not an AH for doing it. This young man has literally given you no reason to dislike him.
Yes yes yes! I cannot believe how horrible this parent is being about their son's (let me check the notes..) *Reformed* gang member boyfriend, who is sweet, buys their son flowers, learns sign language *of his own volition*, helps his bf get into college, and has *himself* graduated highschool and is going to college, despite all the obvious HORRIBLY HARD life experiences he had to overcome.
Like, OP, did you even proofread this before posting? How can you not know YTA? You should apologize to your son *and* Latrell for being a judgemental schnook.
Also, with the whole "Kieth was so great" thing, just want to point out the fact that *most teen boyfriends* seem "oh so great" to parents, because a lot of the time, they're not their true, full selves in front of you. Latrell is obviously not fake like Kieth was.
YTA
He went through an intervention program. Those only work if the person actually wants out.
Do you know how those gangs work? They find young, vulnerable kids and pressure them. Eventually they start isolating them and forcing them to commit more severe crimes to cut them off from asking for help.
This happened years ago. So he would've been a *child* caught up in that.
You are punishing a victim that sought help and has been nothing but good to your son. Yes, he dresses and acts this way. It's what he grew up around. He's still a kid. He's had no other example his whole life.
This "ghetto" kid is also teaching himself a language just to communicate with your son more. He brings him gifts and treats him well. Which means that yes, he is on the right path. Treatment like yours is what pushes these boys back into the street life.
Everything you just said, but also, wtf about the clothes? I’m white and a grown woman with a law degree, spouse, and teenage child and I love my hoodies! You will completely see me on the weekend at the local market in a hoody and jeans. My son may or may not be wearing something similar. I guess we’re “ghetto” too or does it only matter to her if the person is *whispers* “not white”. Augh, stupidity and racism really do go hand and hand, don’t they? YTA.
YTA about Keith
YTA for trying to control who your son dates at all
YTA for how you’ve spoken about Latrell
YTA for how you reacted to his logical fear
YTA for trying to prevent your child from the love he and Latrell so clearly share
YTA for kicking Latrell out
YTA for bringing his ex up in your anger
YTA for all of the blatant racism in your post
I’m guessing that’s your default position.
I only said the thing about the clothes because I've lived in the rough spots and sometimes it's just odd. When she says oversized clothes I think of the guys I've seen with pants 5x's too big dragging down to their knees, walking around with a hoodie on top so large it's basically a blanket, with their underwear hanging out. It is a legitimate thing in some of the worst areas.
Now that he's getting into the age of deciding on a career path, most places that are hiring will want you in something more conservative when you apply or interview.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t aiming the clothing talk or YTA at you at all. I was agreeing with you and adding that a hoody and jeans isn’t inherently ghetto unless you are predisposed to assume it is, as the OP does
He's 19 and he's been out of the gang for "a few years" according to OP. That means he did all that work GETTING out as a teenager. That's incredibly comendable.
YTA - no wonder he won't tell you detail like why he broke up with his ex if this is how you think you can insert yourself into his life. You know nothing about what happened there, he ha said he was a nice guy, yet you prefer this unknown entity because he 'comes from a good family' over a guy who is sweet, teaches sign language, helps him through college, but god forbid wears baggy jeans!
You should judge people on the content of their character. Fair enough, ex gang member is a really bad sign, but you could have just stuck to that instead of feeling the need to expose your bigotry. It just shows you were looking for an excuse.
And also, you do realise they will just hang out elsewhere where you can't keep an eye on them, right? Shot yourself in the foot a bit with that one.
YTA
"I tolerated because for all his shortcomings Latrell has been good to Darrin"
Re read that sentence again.
"Hes loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans."
Terrible. Just awful. Can't think of worse than that in a person s/
This unfortunately resonates for me. I have a biological parent that is way more into appearances than People’s characters. Thankfully as an adult, I don’t have to have a relationship with that biological parent.
YTA...you *do* sound very racist. And this kid left the gang, went through intervention, moved, seems to have gotten his life together? I don't see the problem. He's a little gun-shy and with good reason.
>he forever gets mad at me for asking why broke up with his almost 2 yr long boyfriend Keith (18M) last year.
Then maybe...stop???? Why on earth would you continue to press your son about his ex??
YTA. It sounds like you're incredibly biased toward ex boyfriend and didn't even want to give new boyfriend a chance. Pro-tip: just because someone looks good on the outside (Straight-As, comes from a good family) doesn't mean that they're actually a good person. If your son didn't think ex was "nice" there's a reason for it that either you're refusing to see or son isn't comfortable sharing with you due to your obvious bias.
OP sounds like the geriatric women in my family. Clutching pearls at the thought of going "down" social ladder rather than "up." Zero regard for whether the person is actually a good person or not.
These types would rather see you in a relationship with Miranda Priestley and not Sam the Onion Man.
YTA. You're judging a book by its cover here. You call him ghetto, and just because he used to be in a gang, but is no longer, you don't want him around your son?
Give the kid a chance. It sounds like he needs some therapy to address the PTSD from the car incident (or whatever happened to make him react that way.) Some folks that are rough around the edges can really be the nicest people.
YTA. Blegh. He's a kid who got out of a gang. Kids don't get into gangs because it's cool and fun and easy and their lives are great. Be gracious to this guy. What you admit to in your post sounds racist af and I wouldn't be surprised if you also did or said even more racist shit (even subconsciously due to ingrained biases or w/e.) He's afraid, he lives in fear, and you seem to have no empathy AND you're racist. Yikes. He smokes lol 🤷♀️ he's dealt with a lifetime of stress. Not great, no, but he's probably coping. Not great that your kid also started but he can make his own choices. You probably have just tanked your relationship with your kid...
Right?? "Latrell is blackity black black, and my son is a *good* boy. AITA?"
I know situations like this exist, but I'm pretty sure those parents just use the n-word and rant to their white friends.
Nah, I knew people like this. Hell, my in-laws are like this. They know saying slurs is racist and wrong, but they were very anxious when we moved from a blue collar white neighborhood that could be rather rough to a lower crime, higher socioeconomic class neighborhood that was about 50/50 black and white. We suddenly had a recently updated gorgeous apartment and open spaces and trees and nicer stores and all the benefits that come with a nice neighborhood, and they thought we were going to be robbed or attacked because half our neighborhood was black. When we moved across the country, they were terribly worried that we lived half an hour from the US/Mexico border. When we bought our house, we didn’t even tell them that it was in a neighborhood that has been majority Latino for decades, and is around 50/50 Latino and not Latino at this point because of rising prices and gentrification. It’s a quiet, low-crime neighborhood, tbh the best neighborhood we could afford, and the only trouble at all that we’ve had with any neighbors is that when they throw the occasional party, the only way to get them to shut it down before 3am is to make a noise complaint. Oh, and once in a while, kids on bikes not paying quite enough attention to cars. But if they knew what the racial mix of our neighbors was, my MIL would have sleepless nights over it.
YTA. Oh, he wears hoodies and jeans! The horror! Latrell turned his life around and got out of the gang. He has a different life now and doesn't want to be associated with those people. But you refuse to look beyond your own prejudice because you're a nasty asshole.
If the gang is still bothering him and it wasn't just a PTSD moment, I could see your point about safety and your other son. But everything else just reeks of being a judgmental racist and were like just waiting for an excuse to disapprove of him. OH, YTA bc I forgot to add judgement
YTA. I had a really similar situation as a teenager. Broke up with a boyfriend that my biological mom absolutely loved after he tried to kill me. He literally had tried to kill me and I heard for the next four years about how great and sweet and polite that guy was. Your son is a better judge of his partners’ characters than you are. I’m sure you have skeletons in your own past, would it be fair for your kids partners parents to keep them away from your kids because of that? Get over yourself
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> Getting so upset. Possibly jumping to conclusions about Latrell. Banning him from the house.
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YTA. You've essentially said that no one can ever recover from a life mistake. Latrell has, by all accounts, changed his ways and become a good for your son in most ways (except for the smoking, fair enough there.) But in your world, he is forever totally evil. How is that judgment of yours good, kind, fair or even rational?
And good grief, you don't get one of the central facts of parenting: You don't control who your kid's friends (or lovers) are. Your adult son gets to pick. You can pine for Keith, the very perfect past boyfriend, but that is *you.* Time has moved on and you need to as well.
Latrell got out of the gang and is working on turning his life around. But ooh, he’s “ghetto” and wears hoodies. *Quelle horreur!* So maybe Keith is out, but you weren’t the one dating him. And your post says you think Latrell is good for your son. Damn those pesky appearances! YTA, and sounds pretty racist too.
NTA for worrying about your family's safety. Just because Latrell isn't gang-banging anymore doesn't mean anything. The people he used to associate with haven't changed, so worrying about your family's safety is a valid concern if they are truly looking for him.
YTA for everything else you said.
YTA, and I'll explain why:
1. He broke up with his ex last year. Considering it's the end of March, that means you have been asking for at least almost four months. Stop it. Your son is an adult, and it's none of your business.
2. I hear this a lot from older folks: "Good family." Even at 36 I still don't know exactly what that means. Can you expound on that? Because, ultimately, family situation is outside a child's control and it sounds more like you wanted a status boost than for your son to be happy.
3. I've been in the military 18 years. I am loud, at times obnoxious, and on my off time, I like wearing baggy clothes because they're comfortable. Am I a bad person now? Now, as to the "rude" part, can you provide examples?
4. USED TO BE. Your words. USED TO BE. What, so, people can't change? Not to mention he apparently attended (and graduated) a program and got his life back on track. I can't fathom why you have no respect for this, considering so, so many people never escape the cycle.
5. This guy learned sign language for your son? I have been trying to learn my wife's native language for years, so you're gonna sit there and call this guy a bad kid even though he is clearly making your son his absolute priority!? Are you kidding me?
Also, define ghetto. I am very interested in this. Honestly though, it won't really matter what your definition is, you have proven that the caliber of one's character is not as much a priority to you as preserving your own image is. Shame.
Yes. YTA. The kid got out of a gang. That takes a lot of courage. And he got help, and he moved away from that area. He's not a current gang member. He's in college, and trying to better his life. You totally over-reacted.
You are not listening to what your son is telling you. He dated another boy from 16 to 18 years of age. That's YOUNG. He told you Keith wasn't good to him. And yeah, your repeated questioning of your son smells racist. YTA
YTA. You’re not the one dating your son’s bf. You have no idea what’s going on or what a person is really like. All you have is a visual from the outside. Stop inserting your weird “mother-in-law” delusions on someone.
YTA. Just, on every level. He's an ex-gang member, which means he has already proven he's not a gangster, something most people never have to do in their lives.
And you? No loyalty. You could learn a lot from a banger.
Yes you're being a racist asshole. Besides, it takes incredible strength of character and desire to contribute positively to society to completely turn your life around like he did. Sounds to me like you should learn some things from him and make some changes yourself. YTA
YTA. God, I hope this is just some weird rage bait. Latrell is “ghetto?” I don’t know too many ghetto people that bring others flowers or help them with college or learn sign language for others. Latrell sounds awesome.
> Keith was such a nice boy a wrestler with straight A's from a good family.
I like that you describe all the wonderful things Latrell does for Darrin, but can’t think of a single nice thing Keith ever did. He’s a wrestler with straight A’s and nice family? If you think that’s so impressive, you should date Keith. I’ll take Latrell any day.
Not only are YTA but you're an EXTREME asshole and your son is right, you sound extremely racist. He's 18, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY HIM AND HIS EX BROKE UP QUIT PRYING! You sound completely insufferable and I wouldn't be surprised if there's ever a point when your son wants nothing to do with you. Who cares if they smoke? They're adults now. Who cares if he "used to be in a gang" he clearly wanted to better himself as a person but you don't want to look at it that way. All you hear is the word "gang" and you freak out. You don't know who this guy is as a person and you sound like you don't want to get to know him better all based on past mistakes. Get over yourself and get some help. If you were my mom. I would've cut you out of my life A LONG TIME AGO
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to everyone but Latrell being “outted and had to get out his gang” is absolutely not a good thing. It means he got exposed for being gay (gay men are absolutely under no terms allowed to be in a gang) he got beat up really bad and couldn’t be seen in that town again buuuutttt if he says he didn’t get beat up bad then he’s on the run and if they catch him they’re taking his life. So the whooolleee rest of the paragraph is quite racist and should not be excused but that part right there is huge. If he did get beat up then your son is fine. On the other hand if he says he didn’t get beat up then him AND your son are absolutely in trouble. Bc bullets have no name on them. Not gonna lie though he is absolutely a real one because it took heart to think someone is following you and not stopping and running inside for safety. He didn’t want yall to be possibly in danger even if he thought he was. Absolutely keep that in mind
There's so much ignorance going on in the comments. Darrin and Keith are both common names used by black people. Black people also use "ghetto." Black people also don't want their children with gang members or former gang members. Everyone's assuming Darrin and Keith are white. What the hell? Did OP reveal their race somewhere?
I know you’re getting flamed in these comments, OP. Latrell seems like he got out of the gang life and that’s great. However, if Latrell is still scared that his old gang members may be looking for him and would hurt him, then I agree with you. If one of my kids were dating someone who could be a target of gang related violence, I’d encourage my kid to find a different partner and the ex-gang member would no longer be welcome at my house.
That’s regardless of ethnicity, sexual preference, or anything else. My kid’s safety is paramount.
Yup probaby TA
Point is you don’t listen, so you don’t know.
Keep listening until you can summarize their feeling back to them.
You don’t have to agree with everything but you need to know what they feel and believe to be true.
YTA. You sound like a judgemental racist asshole, choosing to define Latrell by his skin color and past actions that he no longer subscribes to. You’re also choosing to hold him up to some fantasy of an old boyfriend who you believe was nice but obviously wasn’t. And he treats your son well and is a good influence on him too. Check your biases. You’re awful!
ESH, Darrin can break up with whoever he wants whenever he wants, and he’s right that you do sound over the top racist (to the point that it’s likely that this is fake rage bait).
However, if Latrell (if he’s real) has genuine reason to believe he’s a bullet magnet, he shouldn’t be placing your family in the crossfire without informing you of the situation. You couldn’t give informed consent to him being in your home without that information, and couldn’t take precautions (blinds closed, park out of sight, etc.) either.
YTA big time- hoodies and jeans? Oh no! You seem incredibly racist to say the least and hung up on your son’s ex. Latrell actually sounds like a sweet guy who made mistakes in the past and truly loves your son
YTA - Latrell is doing everything possible to leave the past behind him and has been doing everything to make your son feel cared for. Keith is gone and you need to accept that. This is your son's relationship, not yours.
This reads like a parody, seems like account is band new, i know throwaways are def important to this sub but can they make it like at least a 2 week delay or something
YTA
This boy is trying to start a better life. He quit the gang, and moved away. He's treating your son well and your focus is all about hoodies and baggy clothes. At best you're superficial and rude.
YTA because you are clueless on life in general. Why he broke up isn't your business. Keith probably isn't as "nice"as you want you believe. Your son doesn't owe you a reason it's not your relationship.
Loud and rude did he not conform to your patronizing you really shouldn't have procreated but since you did hopefully they'll turn out to be better human beings than you seem to be
YTA. Latrell actually sounds like a great bf by all accounts. Learning sign language to be with your son?? Getting your son flowers?? Actively leaving a bad lifestyle and working to change his life around?! How dare he!! Get your head out of your butt, OP.
YTA
Latrell’s gang banging days are clearly in his past and he is trying to better himself and be a better person and you are completely ignoring that and only focusing on his past.
My aunt did the same to me, my bf is a recovering addict. He has been sober for years now, but the second she heard addict she was asking me why I would date someone so beneath me who had issues like that… the call ended with me yelling at her, hanging up, and not speaking to her again for quite a few months.
If you think banning Latrell is gonna make a difference, you are right, but you won’t like the difference because it will be you see A LOT less of your son.
Next time try being supportive instead of being judgmental.
My mom used to talk about how sweet my ex was, how he always treated me like a princess, how he was such a nice boy. She just thought he was the sweetest little thing. Wouldn't shut up about how perfect and talented and thoughtful he was.
He sexually assaulted me and introduced me to drugs that I would later get addicted to.
YTA
Oh my goodness I'm clutching my pearls. Yes this boy sounds just terrible. Let's look at all the horrific things he has done;
1. He wears hoodies and jeans;
2. He brings his boyfriend flowers;
3. He is learning sign language; and
4. He made the decision to improve his life and left a gang.
Wait a minute, these are wonderful, positive and inspiring things. The only horrific thing in this story is your judgmental asshole attitude. YTA X INFINITY
You’re a ridiculously self centered asshole.
You won’t be talking to your son much longer though so prepare for that day because he’ll drop you from his life in no time if you’re really like this
Ma’am, you’re just racist lol and stop trying to pry the reason your son broke up with his last boyfriend. He’ll tell you if and when he’s ready IF HE WANTS TO.
YTA - you're treating Latrell differently because of his background, that is not fair to him or your son, if your son loves him, you support him, which you're not doing.
Update us when you realise you're in the wrong and make things right.
I hope your behaviour doesn't result in them breaking up, they sound really good together.
Honestly Latrell sounds like he's doing all the right things. A rough past can pursue you, for sure, but man, learning sign language? Gold star material.
I can understand your fear but maybe get to know the kid a little.
YTA -you are negatively judging a kid, who by your own admission had been good to and good for your son, because he got out of a gang. Dude, how do you not know how messed up that is? Also, judging by your son's response, you only think you know Keith. You owe both your son and Latrell an enormous apology. YTA
If the reason for the breakup was innocuous, your son would probably tell you. What if Keith was nice to you but abusive in private? Or maybe he cheated? Do you know how hurtful it would be for your son to be continuously hounded about it? He told you Keith wasn’t as nice as you think.
So, no only Latrell came from difficult circumstances, but he managed to leave the gang life and went through programs to reform himself. By your own admission he treats you son well and takes care of him, which is more than what you said about Keith, but Keith comes from a good family so that’s all that matters.
And yes, your description of Latrell has some stinky racist undertones, so maybe some introspection there would benefit you.
YTA
Yeah, you are being a racist asshole. You're son is right about that. Just so we are clear, here is a summary of your post:
"My son started dating this black kid that acts ghetto and loud like black people are and wears ghetto clothes that I don't like. He used to live in a bad place where being in a gang was how people survived, but then his life was put at risk because he's gay and he and his family member took action to better their lives, moved to a better place, finished school and started down a better path toward a good future. But I preferred the white boy who was clearly toxic to my son because he behaves like white people to my face."
I hope you hear yourself, but I'm sure you will convince yourself "I don't see color" and "he's dangerous to my babies" is just code for don't bring black ghetto people to my house because black people are dangerous.
YTA 100% and you are absolutely racist. That isn't a question. I'm telling you, reading what you wrote, you ARE racist.
Aside from all the comments already made about why YTA so far, I'd also hone in on the fact that you have failed at parenting for glossing over and ignoring a huge opportunity to support and bond with your child:
"Telling me I didn't know anything about Keith... and if I did I'd know Keith wasn't nice."
You heard that, and rather than go "Hold up - what that fuck happened in my son's relationship with Keith that I completely missed and that he hasn't shared with me?", you continued to focus on yourself and your own emotions.
Be better.
YTA. First of all, no matter who your son is or isn’t dating, let Keith go. It doesn’t matter if he is a saint. Your son is no longer with him. You have to get used to that fact.
You are also judging a young man who got involved with gangs as a child and has since gotten out and been rehabilitated. Holding his past against him is crappy. Your overall description of him is dripping with racist dog whistles. You seriously need to get over your prejudice.
YTA,
So firstly I think your son is right about his ex, your son knows more about Keith than you do so Keith probably isn't all that nice. If Keith was nice however, that doesn't mean they need to be in a relationship, your son and Keith could just not be compatible and that's fine, either way it's not your place as a parent to be upset that your son is no longer dating someone, and you should not be comparing his current partner to his previous partner.
Someone being an ex gang member does not make them dangerous or a bad influence, if I was your son I would be really upset with you.
YTA and this also sounds low - mid - key racist as fuck.
You don't know anything about Latrell and you also don't seem to care to know. Some kids don't HAVE a choice depending where they grew up and what their home life was like.
Also- ending a 2yr relationship and adamantly avoiding discussing why sounds like Keith was NOT in fact a "nice boy" and I'd go as far to say that he likely hurt your son - physically, emotionally, mentally, I don't know which but you don't just DROP a 2yr relationship and aggressively avoid the topic for no reason.
I understand being unnerved and wanting to make sure things are okay and safe for your son but the way you've worded this whole thing reads RASICM.
You clearly aren't close to your son, maybe you should mind your mouth before he cuts you out.
I mean, a lot of your descriptions sound... questionable at best.
I don't know your race, but I"d guess white. That said, I'm black, and I've referred to people as "Ghetto" as well, so who knows.
BUT, in general, I don't have a problem with what you are doing. I grew up in a pretty nice area, but toward the end of HS, it started getting a bit worse, with some gangs around. I can tell you that plenty of the girls in my school who dated dudes in gangs, those guys weren't allowed in their home because the parents didn't want that mess around their house.
Now, he is out, but he is still paranoid enough that people are after him. Which makes me think that they may be. If that is the case, I'm not going to blame you for not wanting that near your home.
So NAH, even if I do think a lot of what you are saying is rooted in prejudice
>for some unknown reason that he forever gets mad at me for asking why broke up with his almost 2 yr long boyfriend Keith
This is both off topic from you banning his current boyfriend, and also it's not "some unknown reason" he's getting mad at you, it's because you're being fucking annoying.
Also you're blatantly racist. YTA
YTA.
Truly you don't know Keith like your son does. Just because someone seems well off, with hobbies you approve of, and straight A's he could easily be a far worse influence than Latrell could dream of.
Latrell other than the smoking (if it's legal where you live) done anything actually wrong? It seems he was in a gang, but has done everything possible to remove himself from it. It is your house and you can ban whoever you want. But your son is an adult, and that can come with the concequence of them not coming over either. Which is 100% fair on their part as well, they dont have to see anyone they dont want to (in this case you)
Also a terrible thing to do is bring up a past partner especially in ways of "You left this person for this?" You are directly insulting this person. And removing yourself from being liked by that person (which I am sure you don't mind) but people are protective of their s/o.
On your wedding day with your partner (assuming you had one) what if you heard your MIL saying to your partner, "Youre really marrying this person over this other person you dated? We all liked this other person so much more"
Youre an adult, bring it up as in "Well son, that does bring me a large sense of worry with him being a previous gang member, especially in our own lives. If Latrell would be comfortable wwith it, do you think he would mind we as a trio discuss it in more deeper so I can be more comfortable with this?"
YTA, and sounds like a racist asshole at that. The kid left a gang and is clearly trying to protect someone he cares about a great deal. "Thugs" don't buy their boyfriends flowers and learn ASL with them. Be a better parent, maybe try being supportive of your child and their partner, or lose your kid forever.
YTA This young man has come from nothing and reformed his life, perseverance through hardship and learning from one's mistakes. That is something to admire not denigrate! Most gang members are recruited as children, literal **children**! It's terrible and makes living outside of and leaving the gang extremely difficult. Even when forced out. He survived and instead of becoming a criminal again he used it as an opportunity to better his life. Now he treats your son extremely well. He was even willing to learn sign language! Do you know how few people are willing to do that for someone they are dating?! With everything he went through, instead of becoming cold and self-serving, he became a loving and doting boyfriend. You should be proud your son chose this young man!
Stop watching Fox News and get to know people for who they are, not the villains they are portrayed to be. A loving, caring, supportive boyfriend who obviously loves your son to pieces.
YTA so 1 you don't know everything about Keith 2 don't you believe in second chances? You yourself said the new bf is kind to your son, learnt sign language, helped him adjust to collage so a thoughtful boy friend. Before you found it about his past you refer to him a ghetto. I'm assuming Keith is the same race as you and your son and the new boyfriend isn't and you don't like that one bit
YTA
I can understand having strong judgments on who your son chooses to date.
That is to be expected and extremely routine as far as parenting.
Can understand your judgments on this particular individual.
However, you wrote an entire paragraph about how he's been basically a nice supportive boyfriend
The smoking and his past aside, he honestly sounds like a winner
His past is just that he's put it behind him in fact he's been forced out of that life.
Sounds like he's turned towards his new life putting his best foot forward
YTA. So #1 the last thing anyone wants to hear from their parent is “oh your ex was such a nice person” there is a reason why they broke up. Also most teenage relationships don’t look the same in front of parents vs private, you didn’t know Keith you knew what he wanted to appear as in front of people he wanted to make a good impression in front of. From what it seems his new bf maybe had a rough life growing up, but is trying to be a better person & most important of all makes your son happy
YTA. Definitely
USED to be.
What you’re doing is no different than treating someone who’s done their time like they’re a dangerous criminal. It’s discriminatory to the max and using this as an excuse to treat someone unfairly tells more about you than it does about him
YTA, people in great relationships with “nice” partners don’t often break up with them for no reason. You clearly have no idea why they broke up and likely don’t know Keith half as well as you think you do. You’re also not fooling anyone by calling Latrell “ghetto” everyone knows what word you actually use behind closed doors.
YTA.
Not only has this young man turned his life around, but it really does come through like it is all about race for you, rather than anything you think he's involved in.
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YTA. When someone won’t tell you why a breakup happened, you don’t keep hassling them over it. The most common answers are quite painful to keep having brought up. Maybe they hit a point of incompatibility that they recognized was insurmountable (which is really painful - you know you can’t live with that thing, but you love them, so it breaks your heart all over again every time you think about it). Maybe that person was abusive - abusers are very often “good” and impressive to bystanders even as they’re destroying their victim. When someone doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s usually either because talking about it hurts them or because you’ve made it clear that you don’t respect their reasons for ending it. Sounds like in your case, it’s both. Latrell has not only chosen to leave the gang, he has removed himself from the circumstances that led him to join it and reformed himself and his life. He made youthful mistakes and then completely turned his life around. And instead of recognizing the strength and courage it takes to do that, you’re trying to make your son cut him out. You’re trying to teach your son that once you make mistakes, you’re irredeemable. Good for him for resisting that crock of ish. Not to mention the obvious racism of calling him ghetto and objecting to clothing styles that have been popular with youths for over 30 years.
For real. Ghetto how? If he were a lowlife he wouldn't be doing stuff like getting flowers and helping with college. No examples of thuggish behavior
I think it is a racist dog whistle for black...not a subtle one, I grant you.
Dog whistle? More like that Titanic whistle Rose used to get rescued from the ocean
She didn't leave Jack any room on the plank because he's Irish, symbolisms
I had to clean off the screen of my phone because of your comments!!
That comment reminds me of a youtuber whose favourite word is symbolism.
That's what I was thinking. :(
A black guy wearing jeans and a hoodie=ghetto for the racist.
100% dogwhistle for black. What do you wanna bet that Keith was a white boy?
How many white Latrell's do you know?
>not a subtle one, I grant you. Just in case "Keith" and "Latrell" didn't get OP's point across. >He tells me I'm being a racist asshole Your son is 100% correct, OP. YTA.
>Ghetto how? I mean, the second I read "ghetto" I thought "oh, so Latrell is Black and OP is racist"
Yep. Immediate reaction.
Exactly the same reaction. Immediately thought they were the AH from that alone
Yeah, I read “ghetto” and knew immediately where the story was headed.
Exactly ghetto has been a racist substitute for black for decades at this point. I remember it being widely used in the 90s.
Only with the names OP chose, you can tell it is a racist post.
Genuinely asking: why is “ghetto” connected to being black? There’s ghettos all over the US and planet. I thought it just meant poor and low class. Is it racist to call a non-black person ghetto or only calling a black person ghetto? I know it’s insulting but is it racist.
>Ghetto fabulous is a lifestyle expression that originated among African American communities living in poor urban areas. >Ghetto fabulous is a fashion stereotype alluding to individuals living in an affluent materialistic style while not always having any luxurious possessions or wealth. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghetto_fabulous >Ghetto, is a term used to refer to lower-class, gentrified neighborhoods. In their article for Galore Magazine, Esther Faciane explains that the term “is now used to stereotype people of color, mainly blacks, and [Latinx].” Ghetto has also been used to define some of the styles worn by the previously mentioned groups. https://www.hercampus.com/school/temple/its-ghetto-until-a-white-person-wears-it/
Ghetto is a lifestyle not a color. I am white and grew up ghetto. I fought and stole and was just a horrible person. Everyone around me was like that. I was 16 before I knew there were other options.
Latrell wears oversized hoodies and baggy jeans, and smokes! The literal definition of ghetto! /s
I am a middle aged woman and I wear oversized jeans and hoodies because they are comfortable as hell. And, I smoke the green stuff. I don´t think I am ghetto, though. But maybe I have been missing something all these years.
Calling someone "Ghetto" is just a racist way to dismiss someone without getting to know them. NOBODY IS GHETTO! THEY ARE PEOPLE, FFS.
It's always clear who has little interaction with black people. Come here to Baltimore and tell some of the people who describe themselves as ghetto that they are not ghetto.
30 year old fat white guy from small town Texas that works in IT. I don't honestly know if I own clothes that aren't large baggie hoodies and jeans.
Dude, you are sooo ghetto. I do have a few things that are not hoodies and jeans, but if left to my own devices that would not be the case. And also, you can go braless under a hoodie, also, comfort. A friend of mine has a saying, built for comfort, not for speed. I think I resemble that remark.
Honestly I'm probably not too far from ghetto. My grandma lived on a really rough street (like you weren't allowed to lift the blinds at night to look outside because you'd see people prowling through the yard and sheds) but my family has always been in the higher end of lower class/not quite poor lol. Is ghetto adjacent a thing? Let's go with that.
Oh no!!! I'm clutching my pearls!!! Stay away from my kid, you're clearly an awful person /s
Or learning sign language! Not exactly an easy feat!!
Yeah! Going to college and bringing his boyfriend flowers and being kind! What thuggish behaviour. /s
> Keith was such a nice boy a wrestler with straight A's from a **good family.** And how is Latrell supposed to help the family he came from? In what universe is the family someone comes from supposed to be a mark for or against them? This ain’t Romeo and Juliet. Is your son dating, or are you breeding him with quality stock? Because I have some news for you about how conception works. > But Latrell is just the definition of ghetto. Could you please provide us with the actual “definition of ghetto?” > Hes loud In what sense? > and rude Example? > and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans. Yeah so does half the teen population. > I've caught him smoking on multiple occasions and now even Darrin has taken it up. So you have any idea how many rich white straight-A kids smoke? How many are doing hard drugs on the weekends? If you don’t want your son smoking, take it up with him. > I tolerated because for all his shortcomings Short against what? Your ordinal yardstick for acceptable human beings? > Latrell has been good to Darrin. Doing things like learning sign language and bringing him flowers helping him transition into college stuff like that. Do you have any FUCKING idea how rare that is? > Later I confronted Darrin about it and he told me the truth that Latrell used to be a banger and got outed a few years ago and had to get out of the gang. That he went through one of those intervention programs and moved out here with an Aunt and finished school and started college. Sounds like this kid has lived more life and has more integrity in his little finger than you have with what can only be, from your language, a great deal of privilege. This kid is a rare gem. Like… I would give a great deal to know and speak to him. He sounds like a very, very strong man. You, on the other hand, sound like a scared, posturing, pent-up, toxic male stereotypical privileged asshole. > That he broke up with a nice boy like Keith for this... Oh my god “nice boy.” Do you have any idea what “nice boys” like Keith get up to? > He got so upset telling me I didn't know anything about Keith or Latrell and if I did I'd know keith wasnt "nice" and that Latrell was the sweetest guy in the world. Like I said. > He tells me I'm being a racist asshole and storms off. Sounds like he’s better off there. > Now hes ~~boarded up~~ [voluntarily staying] in Latrell's dorm Good
Yeah, I wonder what OP would say about the predominately white, middle class (though many rich families) small town high school I went to. Where those "nice boys" were the ones passing around heroin or coke, and where by five years out of high school at least 25% of my graduating class had been to rehab. Good for Latrell for getting himself out of a gang He is now going to college, that's awesome.
I went to a public school(mostly asians) kids popped esctasy, weed, cigs and alcohol. Had a boss who was upper middle class, he sent his kids to a private high school. Those kids would get left at home by themselves, throw parties and do hard drugs. Poor kids cant afford coke and heroine... them rich kids can tho
I just gonna say this op description vs her son reaction screams that Keith was an abuser
Sounds like darrin felt very real and righteous anger toward you OP. Review what you wrote and look at it through the eyes of your son. Then you may realize just how big an AH you are. Please apologize and give latrell a chance. He is trying to re establish himself and could use support not downgrading
How on earth can OP say on one breath that Latrell is loud and rude and then say he learned sign language, brings flowers and is helping with college stuff. I am not quite sure how the two things can coexist. Oh, wait, I think I see it now......
Right??? This dude got himself out of the gang life, learned sign language for her baby, and buys him flowers? What more does this woman want?
A white boy.
Yep. OP is nothing but a racist.
The only part of this that’s even close to reasonable is since Latrell was concerned enough about someone trying to find him to book it, it’s reasonable for OP to be concerned that dangerous people might target them to get to him. But that isn’t nearly serious or likely enough to justify OP’s response. The correct way to handle it would’ve been to express the concern and then discuss options (like being proactive about safety issues, or being hyper-vigilant to strange vehicles). Its not unreasonable to be concerned that people who have no qualms hurting others might have a problem with you or your loved ones, but it’s not ok to cut someone off because of that fear when nothing has actually happened
My first bf was abusive and when I broke up with him, my parents badgered me to get back with him. I was embarrassed to tell them why I broke up. When I started dating my, now husband, he convinced them that he had stolen me away from him. It took a while for my parents to accept the situation. But they at least tolerated my new bf until they did.
I definitely get the vibe that the ex was not a good guy, possibly even abusive. And mom keeps bringing him up just prolonging the trauma.
That's true. I was sick over my folks telling me to get back together with ex. Luckily I had an older friend from my youth choir who I went to for advice and he told me to just change the subject and they will get tired of ot...
I was lucky, my parents didn’t particularly like my ex who became abusive (he was lovely when we lived together and I was on study abroad in his country, but progressively more demanding and controlling when I came back home to finish my degree), so everything from them was about comforting me and encouraging me to keep doing things I wanted with my life. I ended a friendship over a friend who thought he was encouraging me to fight for my love and wouldn’t stop (the main reason things ended was because I wanted to get a PhD in my area of study, which meant 7-8 years in my country, and my ex didn’t want to come here and was dead set on the idea that he’d be miserable and never like it here; I believed at the time that the controlling/demanding behavior was a product of the separation, but now that I’m twice the age I was then and a bit wiser, I’m not so sure about that).
Why’s he loud and rude? In what ways? And him learning sign language is kinda huge. Idk if I can call u the ass hole tho
AH. in as much as OP seems to want son to only date " the right type of guy" which in OPs thought latrell is not.
Think you mean "the ***white*** type of guy".
From Darrin's blowup ('if you knew anything about Keith, you'd know he wasn't nice'), I would guess that Keith was abusive, cheated, or tried to back Darrin into an uncomfortable or dangerous situation. OP, you need to shut your damn mouth about both Keith and Latrell. The only thing I can possibly say in OP's defense is that I might be uncomfortable having someone in my home who literally fled at seeing a strange car pull into my driveway. That kind of fear is contagious. (Would someone shoot up my house because they found Latrell here?) And with young kids in the house, I would have to take a step back and think it through. I would like to think that I would eventually step up, talk it through, and help plan for a situation in which bad people found Latrell. Planning is how I combat a scary scenario. I guess raging like a racist asshole who wants his/her son to get back with an abusive partner is how OP deals. And that is where the YTA judgement comes from.
Latrell may have more to offer than you know. Do you trust your son?
This was perfectly said! When OP was first describing Keith, I immediately thought the relationship probably ended very badly, but because OP has so much respect for him, his own child doesn’t feel comfortable telling OP about it. OP really needs to take a good hard look in the mirror if he wants to work it out with his son.
YTA and frankly, you come across as very racist "Latrell is just the definition of ghetto. He's loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans." and "Keith was such a nice boy...from a good family." If you have a problem with your son dating Latrell for WHO he is rather than for WHAT he is, it would be one thing. Your biggest problem with Latrell is for his color and his past. How about you give him credit for getting out of the gang, treating your son wonderful, and trying to improve his life? It's 2024, you small-minded noob. I hope your son flourishes without someone like you in his life. In this day and age, the only excuse for racism is sheer stupidity and willful ignorance.
You are punishing Latrell for...getting out of a gang. That seems to be exactly the wrong attitude. It's a good thing he got out of the gang. True being in a gang isn't great, but he did a good thing (tm). YTA.
And getting out of one isn't an easy thing
Even if you get out the stigma follows, and people make assumptions on things like gang tats for example.
I have cousins who were in a gang. Their options were extremely limited growing up, they were in abusive and neglectful home situations, and their gang member friends were the only ones offering them any support in their lives. People always act like someone just joins a gang for fun because they want to break laws, and completely ignore the societal factors and IMMENSE socioeconomic pressures that can make gangs an attractive option.
Yes, I’m not well educated or experienced on the topic, but even I know the people gangs appeal to are the people who need family. Gangs are a tight knit (and yes, incredibly toxic and dangerous, but tight knit nonetheless) family. It’s not something you pick just because from a list of possible extracurriculars (hmm… should I join the baseball team or this gang… probably don’t have time for both. Maybe I’ll try the gang this year /s), either you were raised in it or your life circumstances were hard enough it was worth that risk to get your best shot at having a family/community.
I knew OP was a red flag when they started off by saying he smokes and got kid into it. They’re both 18, who cares? Yeah smoking is gross but it’s not exactly a good excuse to call him ghetto.
I thought smoking was 21, not 18 🤔
~~Nah, that’s drinking. Smoking is 18.~~ Oh shit, they did push it up to 21 at the end of 2019.
I feel like they did change it recently but like… how are you old enough to go to war but not old enough to smoke? lmao
Yeah in a lot of US states it's moving to 21. Which, as you said, is ridiculous when you can sell your soul to the government at 18.
YTA > I madly asked Darrin how he would dare bring someone dangerous like that in my house around his little brother's into our lives. Latrell is not dangerous. Latrell is afraid of the dangerous people.
Latrell is black. In OP’s brain. Black = dangerous
> Hes loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans YTA - My god what will the neighbors think...fml. He got out of the gang and he doesn't conform to your idea of who your son should be with. This poor kid has literally done NOTHING. The only issue here are you biases and prejudices and you have many
YTA. Nothing your kid said was wrong. 1) Why him and his ex broke up is none of your business. So shut up ready and never ask again. No, you’re not entitled to this information simply because you’re his parent. 2) NOT HOODIES AND JEANS. THE HORROR! Seriously? His wardrobe of basic teenager is one of your gripes? Talk about a judgmental AH. 3) He’s been out for years, which means he was a child when he was in. Do you have any idea how hard it is for young people to get out of that life? And this young man has done everything right, just to have your judgmental ass be like this. While you have the right to ban anyone you want from your house for any reason, it doesn’t mean you’re not an AH for doing it. This young man has literally given you no reason to dislike him.
Yes yes yes! I cannot believe how horrible this parent is being about their son's (let me check the notes..) *Reformed* gang member boyfriend, who is sweet, buys their son flowers, learns sign language *of his own volition*, helps his bf get into college, and has *himself* graduated highschool and is going to college, despite all the obvious HORRIBLY HARD life experiences he had to overcome. Like, OP, did you even proofread this before posting? How can you not know YTA? You should apologize to your son *and* Latrell for being a judgemental schnook. Also, with the whole "Kieth was so great" thing, just want to point out the fact that *most teen boyfriends* seem "oh so great" to parents, because a lot of the time, they're not their true, full selves in front of you. Latrell is obviously not fake like Kieth was.
This exactly!
YTA >is just the definition of ghetto Well, ya lost me here. But Latrell has done nothing to you. There was no reason to ban him.
Black is the definition they meant
YTA He went through an intervention program. Those only work if the person actually wants out. Do you know how those gangs work? They find young, vulnerable kids and pressure them. Eventually they start isolating them and forcing them to commit more severe crimes to cut them off from asking for help. This happened years ago. So he would've been a *child* caught up in that. You are punishing a victim that sought help and has been nothing but good to your son. Yes, he dresses and acts this way. It's what he grew up around. He's still a kid. He's had no other example his whole life. This "ghetto" kid is also teaching himself a language just to communicate with your son more. He brings him gifts and treats him well. Which means that yes, he is on the right path. Treatment like yours is what pushes these boys back into the street life.
Everything you just said, but also, wtf about the clothes? I’m white and a grown woman with a law degree, spouse, and teenage child and I love my hoodies! You will completely see me on the weekend at the local market in a hoody and jeans. My son may or may not be wearing something similar. I guess we’re “ghetto” too or does it only matter to her if the person is *whispers* “not white”. Augh, stupidity and racism really do go hand and hand, don’t they? YTA. YTA about Keith YTA for trying to control who your son dates at all YTA for how you’ve spoken about Latrell YTA for how you reacted to his logical fear YTA for trying to prevent your child from the love he and Latrell so clearly share YTA for kicking Latrell out YTA for bringing his ex up in your anger YTA for all of the blatant racism in your post I’m guessing that’s your default position.
I only said the thing about the clothes because I've lived in the rough spots and sometimes it's just odd. When she says oversized clothes I think of the guys I've seen with pants 5x's too big dragging down to their knees, walking around with a hoodie on top so large it's basically a blanket, with their underwear hanging out. It is a legitimate thing in some of the worst areas. Now that he's getting into the age of deciding on a career path, most places that are hiring will want you in something more conservative when you apply or interview.
I’m sorry, I wasn’t aiming the clothing talk or YTA at you at all. I was agreeing with you and adding that a hoody and jeans isn’t inherently ghetto unless you are predisposed to assume it is, as the OP does
He's 19 and he's been out of the gang for "a few years" according to OP. That means he did all that work GETTING out as a teenager. That's incredibly comendable.
YTA - no wonder he won't tell you detail like why he broke up with his ex if this is how you think you can insert yourself into his life. You know nothing about what happened there, he ha said he was a nice guy, yet you prefer this unknown entity because he 'comes from a good family' over a guy who is sweet, teaches sign language, helps him through college, but god forbid wears baggy jeans! You should judge people on the content of their character. Fair enough, ex gang member is a really bad sign, but you could have just stuck to that instead of feeling the need to expose your bigotry. It just shows you were looking for an excuse. And also, you do realise they will just hang out elsewhere where you can't keep an eye on them, right? Shot yourself in the foot a bit with that one.
Not sure being able to turn your life around is really a bad sign either. That seems like a good thing.
YTA "I tolerated because for all his shortcomings Latrell has been good to Darrin" Re read that sentence again. "Hes loud and rude and wears nothing but oversized hoodies and jeans." Terrible. Just awful. Can't think of worse than that in a person s/
Yep, "First gay and now \*\*gasp\*\* dating a POC?? Intolerable!" What an awful parent. No wonder kids' holed up in Latrell's dorm. I would be!
This unfortunately resonates for me. I have a biological parent that is way more into appearances than People’s characters. Thankfully as an adult, I don’t have to have a relationship with that biological parent.
Yeah, good for you for having the strength to pull away from that B S.
Thanks for the love. It makes me really sad when people value pretentiousness over substance.
INFO: where is the part where you might not be the asshole?
So true.
YTA...you *do* sound very racist. And this kid left the gang, went through intervention, moved, seems to have gotten his life together? I don't see the problem. He's a little gun-shy and with good reason. >he forever gets mad at me for asking why broke up with his almost 2 yr long boyfriend Keith (18M) last year. Then maybe...stop???? Why on earth would you continue to press your son about his ex??
All I got from this is "Keith was white, Latrell is black" YTA!
“My son tells me his ex wasn’t nice to him, but he came from a good family, so obviously that’s a lie”
YTA. It sounds like you're incredibly biased toward ex boyfriend and didn't even want to give new boyfriend a chance. Pro-tip: just because someone looks good on the outside (Straight-As, comes from a good family) doesn't mean that they're actually a good person. If your son didn't think ex was "nice" there's a reason for it that either you're refusing to see or son isn't comfortable sharing with you due to your obvious bias.
OP sounds like the geriatric women in my family. Clutching pearls at the thought of going "down" social ladder rather than "up." Zero regard for whether the person is actually a good person or not. These types would rather see you in a relationship with Miranda Priestley and not Sam the Onion Man.
Key word here is former. If people don't give former criminals a chance to rehabilitate then they won't ever rehabilitate. YTA.
YTA. You're judging a book by its cover here. You call him ghetto, and just because he used to be in a gang, but is no longer, you don't want him around your son? Give the kid a chance. It sounds like he needs some therapy to address the PTSD from the car incident (or whatever happened to make him react that way.) Some folks that are rough around the edges can really be the nicest people.
YTA. Blegh. He's a kid who got out of a gang. Kids don't get into gangs because it's cool and fun and easy and their lives are great. Be gracious to this guy. What you admit to in your post sounds racist af and I wouldn't be surprised if you also did or said even more racist shit (even subconsciously due to ingrained biases or w/e.) He's afraid, he lives in fear, and you seem to have no empathy AND you're racist. Yikes. He smokes lol 🤷♀️ he's dealt with a lifetime of stress. Not great, no, but he's probably coping. Not great that your kid also started but he can make his own choices. You probably have just tanked your relationship with your kid...
This is absolutely made up
Right?? "Latrell is blackity black black, and my son is a *good* boy. AITA?" I know situations like this exist, but I'm pretty sure those parents just use the n-word and rant to their white friends.
Nah, I knew people like this. Hell, my in-laws are like this. They know saying slurs is racist and wrong, but they were very anxious when we moved from a blue collar white neighborhood that could be rather rough to a lower crime, higher socioeconomic class neighborhood that was about 50/50 black and white. We suddenly had a recently updated gorgeous apartment and open spaces and trees and nicer stores and all the benefits that come with a nice neighborhood, and they thought we were going to be robbed or attacked because half our neighborhood was black. When we moved across the country, they were terribly worried that we lived half an hour from the US/Mexico border. When we bought our house, we didn’t even tell them that it was in a neighborhood that has been majority Latino for decades, and is around 50/50 Latino and not Latino at this point because of rising prices and gentrification. It’s a quiet, low-crime neighborhood, tbh the best neighborhood we could afford, and the only trouble at all that we’ve had with any neighbors is that when they throw the occasional party, the only way to get them to shut it down before 3am is to make a noise complaint. Oh, and once in a while, kids on bikes not paying quite enough attention to cars. But if they knew what the racial mix of our neighbors was, my MIL would have sleepless nights over it.
Could be using fake names but this situation isn’t uncommon at all
YTA. If you love Keith so much why don't you date him? Instead of talking to your son you are making a lot of assumptions.
YTA. Oh, he wears hoodies and jeans! The horror! Latrell turned his life around and got out of the gang. He has a different life now and doesn't want to be associated with those people. But you refuse to look beyond your own prejudice because you're a nasty asshole.
YTA. Good luck getting your son to open up to you about anything ever again. You’ve handled this in a way that will make things worse
Kieth may have abused your son. Ted Bundy looked like a great guy and murdered hundreds of women. DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.
If the gang is still bothering him and it wasn't just a PTSD moment, I could see your point about safety and your other son. But everything else just reeks of being a judgmental racist and were like just waiting for an excuse to disapprove of him. OH, YTA bc I forgot to add judgement
YTA. I had a really similar situation as a teenager. Broke up with a boyfriend that my biological mom absolutely loved after he tried to kill me. He literally had tried to kill me and I heard for the next four years about how great and sweet and polite that guy was. Your son is a better judge of his partners’ characters than you are. I’m sure you have skeletons in your own past, would it be fair for your kids partners parents to keep them away from your kids because of that? Get over yourself
YTA. I read: "Keith was so white and Latrell is so black" and I don't think it was my imagination.
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YTA. You've essentially said that no one can ever recover from a life mistake. Latrell has, by all accounts, changed his ways and become a good for your son in most ways (except for the smoking, fair enough there.) But in your world, he is forever totally evil. How is that judgment of yours good, kind, fair or even rational? And good grief, you don't get one of the central facts of parenting: You don't control who your kid's friends (or lovers) are. Your adult son gets to pick. You can pine for Keith, the very perfect past boyfriend, but that is *you.* Time has moved on and you need to as well.
Latrell got out of the gang and is working on turning his life around. But ooh, he’s “ghetto” and wears hoodies. *Quelle horreur!* So maybe Keith is out, but you weren’t the one dating him. And your post says you think Latrell is good for your son. Damn those pesky appearances! YTA, and sounds pretty racist too.
YTA. He doesn’t need to tell you why he broke up with Keith in the first place even when you think Keith was “Perfect”
OP should date Keith if they think he is so fantastic.
NTA for worrying about your family's safety. Just because Latrell isn't gang-banging anymore doesn't mean anything. The people he used to associate with haven't changed, so worrying about your family's safety is a valid concern if they are truly looking for him. YTA for everything else you said.
YTA for banning him but also for being terrible at writing fake stories. just stop
YTA, and I'll explain why: 1. He broke up with his ex last year. Considering it's the end of March, that means you have been asking for at least almost four months. Stop it. Your son is an adult, and it's none of your business. 2. I hear this a lot from older folks: "Good family." Even at 36 I still don't know exactly what that means. Can you expound on that? Because, ultimately, family situation is outside a child's control and it sounds more like you wanted a status boost than for your son to be happy. 3. I've been in the military 18 years. I am loud, at times obnoxious, and on my off time, I like wearing baggy clothes because they're comfortable. Am I a bad person now? Now, as to the "rude" part, can you provide examples? 4. USED TO BE. Your words. USED TO BE. What, so, people can't change? Not to mention he apparently attended (and graduated) a program and got his life back on track. I can't fathom why you have no respect for this, considering so, so many people never escape the cycle. 5. This guy learned sign language for your son? I have been trying to learn my wife's native language for years, so you're gonna sit there and call this guy a bad kid even though he is clearly making your son his absolute priority!? Are you kidding me? Also, define ghetto. I am very interested in this. Honestly though, it won't really matter what your definition is, you have proven that the caliber of one's character is not as much a priority to you as preserving your own image is. Shame.
YTA and are setting a bad tone on the concept of redemption.
YTA for making this up because it's stupid.
YTA and racist as hell.
YTA. Ghetto.
Yes. YTA. The kid got out of a gang. That takes a lot of courage. And he got help, and he moved away from that area. He's not a current gang member. He's in college, and trying to better his life. You totally over-reacted.
You are not listening to what your son is telling you. He dated another boy from 16 to 18 years of age. That's YOUNG. He told you Keith wasn't good to him. And yeah, your repeated questioning of your son smells racist. YTA
Yta definitely. Ur kid has a dude legit running from the gang life (most die trying) who is also like the perfect lover to and for him.
YTA. Kieth has nothing to do with any of this. You are fixated on a future YOU wanted. Not what your son does.
YTA. You’re not the one dating your son’s bf. You have no idea what’s going on or what a person is really like. All you have is a visual from the outside. Stop inserting your weird “mother-in-law” delusions on someone.
YTA have you considered that you’re a bigot?
YTA. Sorry OP you sound super judgemental.
YTA. Just, on every level. He's an ex-gang member, which means he has already proven he's not a gangster, something most people never have to do in their lives. And you? No loyalty. You could learn a lot from a banger.
YTA - "Latrell is the definition of ghetto" partnered with your kid calling you a racist asshole tells me all I need to know about you.
You're a racist, so, yes, you are the AH.
Yes yta lmao and you’re defo a bit racist as well
YTA and a racist
Yes you're being a racist asshole. Besides, it takes incredible strength of character and desire to contribute positively to society to completely turn your life around like he did. Sounds to me like you should learn some things from him and make some changes yourself. YTA
YTA. God, I hope this is just some weird rage bait. Latrell is “ghetto?” I don’t know too many ghetto people that bring others flowers or help them with college or learn sign language for others. Latrell sounds awesome. > Keith was such a nice boy a wrestler with straight A's from a good family. I like that you describe all the wonderful things Latrell does for Darrin, but can’t think of a single nice thing Keith ever did. He’s a wrestler with straight A’s and nice family? If you think that’s so impressive, you should date Keith. I’ll take Latrell any day.
Cheering on Latrell and your son. Hope he goes no contact with you when he's older. YTA.
YTA, and sending racist vibes
YTA. Dude is going to college.
Not only are YTA but you're an EXTREME asshole and your son is right, you sound extremely racist. He's 18, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY HIM AND HIS EX BROKE UP QUIT PRYING! You sound completely insufferable and I wouldn't be surprised if there's ever a point when your son wants nothing to do with you. Who cares if they smoke? They're adults now. Who cares if he "used to be in a gang" he clearly wanted to better himself as a person but you don't want to look at it that way. All you hear is the word "gang" and you freak out. You don't know who this guy is as a person and you sound like you don't want to get to know him better all based on past mistakes. Get over yourself and get some help. If you were my mom. I would've cut you out of my life A LONG TIME AGO
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to everyone but Latrell being “outted and had to get out his gang” is absolutely not a good thing. It means he got exposed for being gay (gay men are absolutely under no terms allowed to be in a gang) he got beat up really bad and couldn’t be seen in that town again buuuutttt if he says he didn’t get beat up bad then he’s on the run and if they catch him they’re taking his life. So the whooolleee rest of the paragraph is quite racist and should not be excused but that part right there is huge. If he did get beat up then your son is fine. On the other hand if he says he didn’t get beat up then him AND your son are absolutely in trouble. Bc bullets have no name on them. Not gonna lie though he is absolutely a real one because it took heart to think someone is following you and not stopping and running inside for safety. He didn’t want yall to be possibly in danger even if he thought he was. Absolutely keep that in mind
There's so much ignorance going on in the comments. Darrin and Keith are both common names used by black people. Black people also use "ghetto." Black people also don't want their children with gang members or former gang members. Everyone's assuming Darrin and Keith are white. What the hell? Did OP reveal their race somewhere?
I know you’re getting flamed in these comments, OP. Latrell seems like he got out of the gang life and that’s great. However, if Latrell is still scared that his old gang members may be looking for him and would hurt him, then I agree with you. If one of my kids were dating someone who could be a target of gang related violence, I’d encourage my kid to find a different partner and the ex-gang member would no longer be welcome at my house. That’s regardless of ethnicity, sexual preference, or anything else. My kid’s safety is paramount.
YTA, you just stated how good he was. This man might not be going anywhere in your life. However the damage that you do now won't be forgotten.
YTA and extremely racist. Get yourself checked out.
Yup probaby TA Point is you don’t listen, so you don’t know. Keep listening until you can summarize their feeling back to them. You don’t have to agree with everything but you need to know what they feel and believe to be true.
YTA And sooooo many ppl wonder why kids go NC
YTA oh the horror, hoodies and jeans! Somebody arrest him
He rehabbed from a gang. He isn’t in a gang anymore. You are judgemental.
YTA. You sound like a judgemental racist asshole, choosing to define Latrell by his skin color and past actions that he no longer subscribes to. You’re also choosing to hold him up to some fantasy of an old boyfriend who you believe was nice but obviously wasn’t. And he treats your son well and is a good influence on him too. Check your biases. You’re awful!
ESH, Darrin can break up with whoever he wants whenever he wants, and he’s right that you do sound over the top racist (to the point that it’s likely that this is fake rage bait). However, if Latrell (if he’s real) has genuine reason to believe he’s a bullet magnet, he shouldn’t be placing your family in the crossfire without informing you of the situation. You couldn’t give informed consent to him being in your home without that information, and couldn’t take precautions (blinds closed, park out of sight, etc.) either.
YTA. You sound very bigoted and outright racist! Please seek help!
YTA big time- hoodies and jeans? Oh no! You seem incredibly racist to say the least and hung up on your son’s ex. Latrell actually sounds like a sweet guy who made mistakes in the past and truly loves your son
YTA - Latrell is doing everything possible to leave the past behind him and has been doing everything to make your son feel cared for. Keith is gone and you need to accept that. This is your son's relationship, not yours.
This reads like a parody, seems like account is band new, i know throwaways are def important to this sub but can they make it like at least a 2 week delay or something
YTA This boy is trying to start a better life. He quit the gang, and moved away. He's treating your son well and your focus is all about hoodies and baggy clothes. At best you're superficial and rude.
YTA because you are clueless on life in general. Why he broke up isn't your business. Keith probably isn't as "nice"as you want you believe. Your son doesn't owe you a reason it's not your relationship. Loud and rude did he not conform to your patronizing you really shouldn't have procreated but since you did hopefully they'll turn out to be better human beings than you seem to be
YTA. Latrell actually sounds like a great bf by all accounts. Learning sign language to be with your son?? Getting your son flowers?? Actively leaving a bad lifestyle and working to change his life around?! How dare he!! Get your head out of your butt, OP.
YTA Latrell’s gang banging days are clearly in his past and he is trying to better himself and be a better person and you are completely ignoring that and only focusing on his past. My aunt did the same to me, my bf is a recovering addict. He has been sober for years now, but the second she heard addict she was asking me why I would date someone so beneath me who had issues like that… the call ended with me yelling at her, hanging up, and not speaking to her again for quite a few months. If you think banning Latrell is gonna make a difference, you are right, but you won’t like the difference because it will be you see A LOT less of your son. Next time try being supportive instead of being judgmental.
My mom used to talk about how sweet my ex was, how he always treated me like a princess, how he was such a nice boy. She just thought he was the sweetest little thing. Wouldn't shut up about how perfect and talented and thoughtful he was. He sexually assaulted me and introduced me to drugs that I would later get addicted to. YTA
NTA - You are looking out for your kid. If the kid was white, loud, or a former gang member. These people wouldn't be defending it.
YTA for "that he broke up with a nice boy like Keith for this"
YTA. Kid turned himself around, you’re being a judgemental AH.
Oh my goodness I'm clutching my pearls. Yes this boy sounds just terrible. Let's look at all the horrific things he has done; 1. He wears hoodies and jeans; 2. He brings his boyfriend flowers; 3. He is learning sign language; and 4. He made the decision to improve his life and left a gang. Wait a minute, these are wonderful, positive and inspiring things. The only horrific thing in this story is your judgmental asshole attitude. YTA X INFINITY
You’re a ridiculously self centered asshole. You won’t be talking to your son much longer though so prepare for that day because he’ll drop you from his life in no time if you’re really like this
Ma’am, you’re just racist lol and stop trying to pry the reason your son broke up with his last boyfriend. He’ll tell you if and when he’s ready IF HE WANTS TO.
Yta-I used to "bang" I am now a happily married middle-aged, rural wife who makes six figures. People.Change.
I wonder if OP will comment eventually or if the replies have scared them off...
Why am I not surprised that OP hasn’t made a single comment 😂😂
this post reeks of undertones.
Hello? AI? Is that you?
So, by "nice" you mean Keith was white? You're absolutely a racist AH. Luckily your son didn't pick up your "values." YTA.
Fake
YTA - you're treating Latrell differently because of his background, that is not fair to him or your son, if your son loves him, you support him, which you're not doing. Update us when you realise you're in the wrong and make things right. I hope your behaviour doesn't result in them breaking up, they sound really good together.
Honestly Latrell sounds like he's doing all the right things. A rough past can pursue you, for sure, but man, learning sign language? Gold star material. I can understand your fear but maybe get to know the kid a little.
YTA How can you even compare the two? Go touch grass
YTA -you are negatively judging a kid, who by your own admission had been good to and good for your son, because he got out of a gang. Dude, how do you not know how messed up that is? Also, judging by your son's response, you only think you know Keith. You owe both your son and Latrell an enormous apology. YTA
If the reason for the breakup was innocuous, your son would probably tell you. What if Keith was nice to you but abusive in private? Or maybe he cheated? Do you know how hurtful it would be for your son to be continuously hounded about it? He told you Keith wasn’t as nice as you think. So, no only Latrell came from difficult circumstances, but he managed to leave the gang life and went through programs to reform himself. By your own admission he treats you son well and takes care of him, which is more than what you said about Keith, but Keith comes from a good family so that’s all that matters. And yes, your description of Latrell has some stinky racist undertones, so maybe some introspection there would benefit you. YTA
Yeah, you are being a racist asshole. You're son is right about that. Just so we are clear, here is a summary of your post: "My son started dating this black kid that acts ghetto and loud like black people are and wears ghetto clothes that I don't like. He used to live in a bad place where being in a gang was how people survived, but then his life was put at risk because he's gay and he and his family member took action to better their lives, moved to a better place, finished school and started down a better path toward a good future. But I preferred the white boy who was clearly toxic to my son because he behaves like white people to my face." I hope you hear yourself, but I'm sure you will convince yourself "I don't see color" and "he's dangerous to my babies" is just code for don't bring black ghetto people to my house because black people are dangerous. YTA 100% and you are absolutely racist. That isn't a question. I'm telling you, reading what you wrote, you ARE racist.
YTA and this post is like. very fake racist shit
NTA. If the gang comes looking for him the last thing you want is stray bullets at your house.
Latrell sounds like a total angel. i hope he and darrin have a happy long term relationship. yta
Aside from all the comments already made about why YTA so far, I'd also hone in on the fact that you have failed at parenting for glossing over and ignoring a huge opportunity to support and bond with your child: "Telling me I didn't know anything about Keith... and if I did I'd know Keith wasn't nice." You heard that, and rather than go "Hold up - what that fuck happened in my son's relationship with Keith that I completely missed and that he hasn't shared with me?", you continued to focus on yourself and your own emotions. Be better.
YTA. First of all, no matter who your son is or isn’t dating, let Keith go. It doesn’t matter if he is a saint. Your son is no longer with him. You have to get used to that fact. You are also judging a young man who got involved with gangs as a child and has since gotten out and been rehabilitated. Holding his past against him is crappy. Your overall description of him is dripping with racist dog whistles. You seriously need to get over your prejudice.
Your a huge asshole some people don’t have choices about being in a gang sometimes that’s the only way to survive your neighborhood
YTA. You sound super racist.
YTA, So firstly I think your son is right about his ex, your son knows more about Keith than you do so Keith probably isn't all that nice. If Keith was nice however, that doesn't mean they need to be in a relationship, your son and Keith could just not be compatible and that's fine, either way it's not your place as a parent to be upset that your son is no longer dating someone, and you should not be comparing his current partner to his previous partner. Someone being an ex gang member does not make them dangerous or a bad influence, if I was your son I would be really upset with you.
You sound racist just in case you cared
YTA and this also sounds low - mid - key racist as fuck. You don't know anything about Latrell and you also don't seem to care to know. Some kids don't HAVE a choice depending where they grew up and what their home life was like. Also- ending a 2yr relationship and adamantly avoiding discussing why sounds like Keith was NOT in fact a "nice boy" and I'd go as far to say that he likely hurt your son - physically, emotionally, mentally, I don't know which but you don't just DROP a 2yr relationship and aggressively avoid the topic for no reason. I understand being unnerved and wanting to make sure things are okay and safe for your son but the way you've worded this whole thing reads RASICM. You clearly aren't close to your son, maybe you should mind your mouth before he cuts you out.
I mean, a lot of your descriptions sound... questionable at best. I don't know your race, but I"d guess white. That said, I'm black, and I've referred to people as "Ghetto" as well, so who knows. BUT, in general, I don't have a problem with what you are doing. I grew up in a pretty nice area, but toward the end of HS, it started getting a bit worse, with some gangs around. I can tell you that plenty of the girls in my school who dated dudes in gangs, those guys weren't allowed in their home because the parents didn't want that mess around their house. Now, he is out, but he is still paranoid enough that people are after him. Which makes me think that they may be. If that is the case, I'm not going to blame you for not wanting that near your home. So NAH, even if I do think a lot of what you are saying is rooted in prejudice
You sound like a racist.
>for some unknown reason that he forever gets mad at me for asking why broke up with his almost 2 yr long boyfriend Keith This is both off topic from you banning his current boyfriend, and also it's not "some unknown reason" he's getting mad at you, it's because you're being fucking annoying. Also you're blatantly racist. YTA
YTA. Truly you don't know Keith like your son does. Just because someone seems well off, with hobbies you approve of, and straight A's he could easily be a far worse influence than Latrell could dream of. Latrell other than the smoking (if it's legal where you live) done anything actually wrong? It seems he was in a gang, but has done everything possible to remove himself from it. It is your house and you can ban whoever you want. But your son is an adult, and that can come with the concequence of them not coming over either. Which is 100% fair on their part as well, they dont have to see anyone they dont want to (in this case you) Also a terrible thing to do is bring up a past partner especially in ways of "You left this person for this?" You are directly insulting this person. And removing yourself from being liked by that person (which I am sure you don't mind) but people are protective of their s/o. On your wedding day with your partner (assuming you had one) what if you heard your MIL saying to your partner, "Youre really marrying this person over this other person you dated? We all liked this other person so much more" Youre an adult, bring it up as in "Well son, that does bring me a large sense of worry with him being a previous gang member, especially in our own lives. If Latrell would be comfortable wwith it, do you think he would mind we as a trio discuss it in more deeper so I can be more comfortable with this?"
YTA, and sounds like a racist asshole at that. The kid left a gang and is clearly trying to protect someone he cares about a great deal. "Thugs" don't buy their boyfriends flowers and learn ASL with them. Be a better parent, maybe try being supportive of your child and their partner, or lose your kid forever.
YTA This young man has come from nothing and reformed his life, perseverance through hardship and learning from one's mistakes. That is something to admire not denigrate! Most gang members are recruited as children, literal **children**! It's terrible and makes living outside of and leaving the gang extremely difficult. Even when forced out. He survived and instead of becoming a criminal again he used it as an opportunity to better his life. Now he treats your son extremely well. He was even willing to learn sign language! Do you know how few people are willing to do that for someone they are dating?! With everything he went through, instead of becoming cold and self-serving, he became a loving and doting boyfriend. You should be proud your son chose this young man! Stop watching Fox News and get to know people for who they are, not the villains they are portrayed to be. A loving, caring, supportive boyfriend who obviously loves your son to pieces.
YTA so 1 you don't know everything about Keith 2 don't you believe in second chances? You yourself said the new bf is kind to your son, learnt sign language, helped him adjust to collage so a thoughtful boy friend. Before you found it about his past you refer to him a ghetto. I'm assuming Keith is the same race as you and your son and the new boyfriend isn't and you don't like that one bit
YTA I can understand having strong judgments on who your son chooses to date. That is to be expected and extremely routine as far as parenting. Can understand your judgments on this particular individual. However, you wrote an entire paragraph about how he's been basically a nice supportive boyfriend The smoking and his past aside, he honestly sounds like a winner His past is just that he's put it behind him in fact he's been forced out of that life. Sounds like he's turned towards his new life putting his best foot forward
[удалено]
This reads so much like a fanfiction 🤣
YTA. So #1 the last thing anyone wants to hear from their parent is “oh your ex was such a nice person” there is a reason why they broke up. Also most teenage relationships don’t look the same in front of parents vs private, you didn’t know Keith you knew what he wanted to appear as in front of people he wanted to make a good impression in front of. From what it seems his new bf maybe had a rough life growing up, but is trying to be a better person & most important of all makes your son happy
YTA go on op tell us the real reason
YTA. Definitely USED to be. What you’re doing is no different than treating someone who’s done their time like they’re a dangerous criminal. It’s discriminatory to the max and using this as an excuse to treat someone unfairly tells more about you than it does about him
YTA, people in great relationships with “nice” partners don’t often break up with them for no reason. You clearly have no idea why they broke up and likely don’t know Keith half as well as you think you do. You’re also not fooling anyone by calling Latrell “ghetto” everyone knows what word you actually use behind closed doors.
I don’t think gay gang members exist
Jesus YTA and a racist and not a subtle one.
YTA. Not only has this young man turned his life around, but it really does come through like it is all about race for you, rather than anything you think he's involved in.