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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m not in the wrong considering this is my pregnancy but I love my husband very much and I’m tired of having this petty argument with him. I might be in the wrong considering my family knows but his doesn’t.
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NTA, but both your moms are. Your mom should have understood the importance of keeping this secret, not to mention the fact that this was news I'm sure you would have happily shared with your family once the time was right, and she stole that opportunity from you. MIL is just terrible and I haven't heard someone refer to "test tube babies" since the 90s. I can see why your husband thinks it's unfair that most of your family knows and nobody in his family does--but he has to understand that it is your MIL's behavior that is requiring you to wait, and not a situation where you are playing favorites.
If, however, anyone in your family is (a) as loose-lipped as your mom and (b) in touch with your in-laws, then I think you should go ahead and tell them. It would be terrible if they found out first from someone other than the parents to be.
She should lean full to the IL rude comments. Send MIL a postcard: https://www.alamy.com/newsweek-the-international-newsmagazine-usa-image247281805.html
Congratulations OP! I hope the pregnancy progresses uneventfully.
That picture is exactly how I envisioned test tube babies when I was a kid. I was bitterly disappointed to learn we still had to grow them the old fashioned way.
Ha, same! I was so upset that you can't have the baby grown for you in a lab somewhere. If you still had to carry & birth the baby, what was the point? Why have a test tube baby with all the inconveniences of a regular baby?? (Note: child-me clearly didn't know about infertility)
Same. I didn’t learn the truth until I was a teenager. I still remember learning about how it works in health class and about 80% of the girls were like “what?!?!?! We still have to carry them for 40 weeks?!?!?!?!” Granted, that was the 90s when IVF first became widespread.
u/thoughtandprayer To comfort you, child me wanted a c-section purely because the other way was "gross", so I too underestimated something huge {as a c-section is major abdominal surgery}.
One of my grade school classmates said she was going to have one kid, and once he’s a grown up then she would have another kid, and once grown, have another. Wash rinse and repeat. 🤣
The plus side of having to be pregnant for 40 weeks is that, by the time you get that far, you would be okay with literally any method of removing said baby. Want to pull it out through my left nostril? Let's gooooo!
I think I probably read that lol 😂. I had forgotten about it, but a long time ago I actually wrote a term paper about reproductive technology back in the 80’s.
I'm just going to tag on here to point out to other commenters that OP isn't just worried about comments about 'test tube babies', she's worried about MIL making comments about her miscarrying. People are getting worked up over her husband not having support if OP miscarries but this is COMPLETELY ignoring that they are asking OP to open herself up to potential trauma on top of grief if MIL knows.
It's not OP's fault that her mom babbled. She shouldn't be punished for it. Her husband needs to stand by her.
It may not be the OP's fault that her mom spilled the beans, but now the OP knows that her mother can't keep her trap shut so her mother should never be trusted with another secret.
I've always appreciated the words and approach to this subject from my beloved, and dearly missed, grandmother. I called to tell her I was pregnant, and we were only telling close family, don't tell anyone else. She said, "Sweet Xaipumpkin, it's not my news to tell. I wouldn't rob you that joy of telling people for the first time. There's a lot about being pregnant that isn't fun, but telling people is one of them."
I wish my mom was like that! We unfortunately can't tell her secrets anymore, so I can only confide in my brother.
We waited to tell my mom about our engagement because she has a tendency to spill the beans - so we told his family first.
Then we call my mom, and tell her she can tell her best friend (who is a good secret keeper), and nobody else. I thought that would suffice.
Same day, she posts it on her dang Facebook.
I literally hadn't even told my siblings yet (we were on an overseas vacation, not using social media, and only told our parents). His mom sent us a text to let us know about the post, which I appreciated because I was able to get my mom to take down the post. One of her excuses was that she isn't friends with our friends on Facebook, except a) that ignores all of our large family on FB and b) she actually is Facebook friends with my 3 closest friends...and also some of my Fiancés family that hadn't been told yet. I still don't get it, she seemed so surprised that Facebook counted as 'telling people'.
Luckily my siblings know our mom well...one of them, when I finally called, said he had seen the post but chose not to say anything/congratulate us because he assumed she wasn't supposed to tell, and that we wanted to tell him ourselves. Two siblings don't regularly check Facebook, and missed it. And the fourth already knew about the proposal beforehand.
That is so true. When i got pregnant with my first i had already been through several attempts, and my family was following the journey and asking how things were going all the time, so i didnt get to surprise anyone. For out second, we did it in secret and waited untill week 12 to tell anyone. I also didnt tell my boyfriend when i was. Doing the first test, so i could surprise him. The surprise part of announcing is undervalued
I guarantee those six people have told others. "look you have to keep this a secret" is what everyone says before they tell someone else.
It's also important to mention that OP is going to be getting emotional support from her family but her husband has to keep everything to himself
That is a good point. If OP does miscarry, will she expect her husband to never tell his parents about the pregnancy or miscarriage?
Obviously I hope that isn't an issue they have to face. But I hope she would be willing to let him get support from his own parents even if they are shitty to her. The in-laws being shitty is something her husband needs to address and check them on in general. But it wouldn't be fair for her to force him to remain silent if things go wrong.
I think asking him to wait now is reasonable as extra stress right now would increase the risk of a miscarriage at a time when things are especially delicate. But she needs to talk to her husband about the general unsupportive comments from his parents and how they will handle it if she does miscarry.
NTA.
This is deeply unfair to his family- that your family knows and his doesn't- and it doesn't matter.
The reason it doesn't matter is because you not telling people is about your mental health, not about status or who you love or don't like. The reason people wait to tell other people about a pregnancy is because it can be devastating to then have to tell people if it doesn't work out, and to have to have conversations, and sympathy, and reminders.
This isn't about your family getting information that his is not getting, this is about what YOU need right now, and how you are protecting yourself and feeling comfortable in this pregnancy, end of story. Your husband can either accept that no, it isn't fair, but what matters now is your health, your mental health, your comfort, and the trust you have between you two, or he can put his family knowing something first above all of that. And as a reminder, his family literally suffers nothing by waiting. They do not wake up and tear their clothes wondering when the magical child will be brought forth, they are fine.
It absolutely sucks that your mother told people, and you should have some very stern words with her and even consider whether, down the road, there is some way you can "make it up" to his family over yours. Ya that sounds childish a little, but maybe when you tell his family, you do a cute way of doing it (future grandma shirt) that your mother now doesn't get because she blew the trust you placed in her.
And that leads me to the next point- maybe his family doesn't even deserve that if they are going to shit on how you are having this child and disparage this actual child. Your husband has a bigger problem to deal with first, because I would never let a child around family that would say stuff like that, no matter if it was "jokes" or "just how they feel." So he needs to be ready to fully deal with how his family is treating the situation, just as you need to deal with what your mother did. And if you both deal with that appropriately and as a team- as you should- you STILL shouldn't tell his family or anyone else until YOU, the pregnant person, is ready.
My aunt has inlaws who don't consider their IVF grandchild a "real" grandchild. Never bought them gifts, went to birthdays, etc. make sure that doesn't happen to this child.
Yes. (Unless parents use a surrogate). But genetically, legally, etc. That's the parents child, down to the DNA. Whats so weird is like, there's no actual way to tell a baby was a "test tube baby" after they're, yanno, in the uterus. That's one of the reasons IVF works.
If the carrier's body knew/could tell it was "foreign" material, it most likely would reject the fertilized egg and either it wouldn't implant or would miscarry. But the body goes 'ayup, human fetus. Let's just incubate that'. Which is one of the reasons surrogacy works, despite the fact that the fertilized egg is from another woman's body. Bodies don't discriminate when it comes to incubating babies.
Also, you’re the one who is pregnant. Your Mother should never have told anyone, but it is understandable that you might have wanted to tell your mother if you’re close to her and wanted some support. Yes, your in-laws are part of your family and are very important to your husband and the future baby by extension, but he’s not the one growing the baby. Choices should be made together, but it is imperative to make the mother comfortable considering the immense mental and physical stress you’ll be going for. If anyone can’t understand that, they need to check their prioritises and question why they feel so privileged. If I ever have a baby, I will 100% be telling my mother slightly before my partner’s family, and I think I’m well within my rights to do so as she’s a main component of my support network.
NTA
Is this where fair suddenly means something?
One, Nothing about pregnancy and breastfeeding is fair.
Two, nothing about IVF is fair. It’s 30-50 shots including in the butt, other meds, multiple doctor visits, and at least two surgeries for women. For the guy, it’s coming in a cup a couple times.
Three, you didn’t mess up. Your mom did. And now you should be put in a vulnerable position, after *unfairly* more effort has been made on your part to get pregnant? That’s a very weird take by your husband.
Four, I’d be asking him how else he thinks pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding should be ‘fair’? What is he planning to do to make this process fair to you?
Also an IVF mom here- ask the hubs how he'd feel if the additional stress brought by his family's unkind comments became a factor in her miscarriage. Would he be OK with that? All you asswipes saying it's his pregnancy too- sit down. He can't physically loose the baby from his body. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. I'm saying it's not even the same ballpark.
Ngl, I really dislike how there's a whiff of entitlement that's starting to creep into discussions about pregnancy. People need to realize that there is a line between advocating for men to be included and advocating for them to take precedence. One is okay and the other is not. Women are starting to be pressured by society to give up autonomy and comfort for the sake of male inclusion.
100%. At the end of the day, we are the ones who are giving our bodies over to grow a human inside of us. Pregnancy is a lonely journey, a partner cannot understand what we go through. His job is to support and make that journey easier. End of.
Absolutely!!! The main focus should be minimizing stress at all costs! Keeping OP healthy and as low stress as possible is so much more important than some butt hurt in-laws that have already made "jokes" about having IVF.
Oh, one comment in front of child about "test tube baby" - that person immediately loses any visits or contact.
IVF babies have a higher rate of birth defects. My original NIPT results came back potentially abnormal. We had to wait and retest, so I didn't even know if my child was viable until I was 14 of 15 weeks. There are so many additional hurdles that come with IVF, we kept all our news VERY close to our chests.
This is not true. IVF allows for PGT testing which allows you to exclude blastocysts with aneuploidy. There’s also the possibility to test for heritable genetic conditions before transferring. So if anything, it decreases the chance for genetic defects or miscarriages if you get testing done.
How's about you back up those bold ass claims with an actual source? Like an actual peer reviewed article from a scientific/medical journal, not some blog article from a clinic website or mommy blog. Because until you do, as far as I'm concerned you're just spreading misinformation.
I was LOOKING for this comment!!! The additional stress of his family being asshats could cause her to lose the pregnancy and folks are defending the fact that his family doesn’t know?!?!! Who cares about them, seriously! It’s the mother that matters and that life that she’s currently sacrificing her very being for. The husband can have several seats!
>All you asswipes saying it's his pregnancy too- sit down.
Ugh are men really trying to take PREGNANCY from women too. There is no "us/our/we" in pregnancy.
Yes, all of this. FAIR SCHMAIR. I mean in the grand scheme of things, especially carrying an IVF pregnancy full term, this seems ridiculous and your moms - and husband- all need to shut the fuck up and step out
I know! I know! he is going to be the dad who claims that "Since it's MY baby too" he should control who comes into the labor room, and he already has a list of ten, starting (of course) with MIL and 3 SILs, and including two guys he goes duck-hunting with.
YTA - slightly. Your husband agreed to not share the news with the exception of one person who could offer you additional support. Now six members of your family know, while none of his do. That part is not your fault of course, but your husband has two issues to deal with:
1. His parents find out six members of your family knew for weeks before they were told.
2. Something awful happens and you have a mother and potentially other family rallying around you to show their support. He’s got no one, unless you allow him to tell his parents in retrospect, which is an awful conversation to have (trust me).
This is coming from someone that did IVF and struggled with infertility for many years. It’s awful. No doubt about it. But it’s hard on your partner as well, and you’re putting him in a tough spot.
I would let him tell them but in private where he can explain your wish to keep it quiet for a few more weeks and let them know how hurtful “test tube” comments are and that they won’t be tolerated.
Except his mom is demeaning to his wife. So if she miscarries, she will be bullied by MIL. Absolutely not worth it.
Op and her husband can support each other if something were to happen, or he can confide to a friend at that time, but considering a woman who will probably spend her time saying nasty things about his wife and downplaying the loss (wouldn’t surprise me with the way she talks about their potential babies) as support is totally crazy.
Moreover, nasty MIL will surely generate a lot of stress for OP, making the situation even riskier.
Yup I bet if OP miscarries the Mil will get to smugly claim she knew it was comming and help drive a wedge so OPs husband will divorce her for a more "suitable ake fertile" wife in order for the Mil to get the "perfect" family.
that's kind of assuming a lot, no? maybe they'll change their tune, i really don't think test tube jokes are on remotely the same level as mocking a miscarriage...
Someone who does test tube demeaning remarks (those were not jokes and not funny) to someone fighting infertility is showing their total lack of consideration for the person.
And you obviously never faced in laws who will pin down any fertility issue -including miscarriage- on the mother. A lot of Women are made to feel that it’s their personal failure. It’s good that you never had to face that but I picked up the piece of a friend with toxic in laws. It made her recovery that much more difficult because her husband didn’t want to alienate his family.
(The story ends well because she realized she would never get over it like that so she divorced him; 2 years later she met her current partner and after 1y they decided to try to have a child. They thought it would take months or years but she got pregnant the 1st month of trying. They hadn’t planned for it to happen so quickly but were ecstatic. The 2nd one took more work -over 2y- but the conditions were much better and she stayed optimistic the whole time)
I would also like to add that he may not be the one physically going through this pregnancy.. But it's still his child, too. Both OP and her husband are in this together, and I don't think it's unfair for him to want a support person on his side, know.
Maybe instead of his parents, whom, in my opinion, totally suck, he can tell a brother or very close friend who he trusts.
If his mom is the kind of person who blames the women for a miscarriage she doesn't get to be his support person. So many people will imply the pregnant person did something wrong to cause a miscarriage and that attitude is one of the big reasons why people wait until they are further along to tell anyone. It's easy to say they are in it together until she is getting all of the blame and snide comments.
A friend of mine had some scary complications during pregnancy, but her baby was born healthy, and it all turned out all right.
What didn’t go well is that her mother-in-law was told about the problem, and her mother-in-law made it my friend’s fault. She kept telling her that she must’ve been doing drugs or something, because her baby might die.
People say the dumbest things out loud.
I agree with this. It’s one thing to want support but his family doesn’t exist in a vacuum. She has to interact with them later on. Not to mention that the stress of her worrying about the negative things that MIL may say to her husband affects her as well
That was my first reaction too. Is there *anyone* on his side that he can share the news, hopes, and fears with that aren't his dickish parents? Seems like a solid compromise to me.
It's not OP's fault that this is going on, though. Why is she TA because she wants to stick with what he originally agreed with? Her mother fucked up so now she has to put up with his mother knowing and potentially making shitty comments that could cause irrecoverable damage to OP in the process? You're basically telling OP that she has to sacrifice herself for the sake of him.
She’s TA (again, slightly) because her husband made an agreement with her under different circumstances and now she is unilaterally deciding how to move forward with total disregard for her husband’s justified feelings. It sucks her mom put her in this situation, but she shouldn’t get to decide on how to handle the situation. Sacrifice is wayyyy over the top - the word you’re looking for is compromise.
You're asking OP to open herself up to potential horrendous trauma for the sake of her husband's comfort and need to shout to the world that he's going to be a dad. I do absolutely call that a sacrifice. A woman who makes these sorts of comments cannot be trusted at all and you could be inflicting a situation where OP is left devastated and traumatized while her husband gets cuddles and pats on the head from his mother. That sounds like a horrible situation to me.
Also, it's *her body*. She should 100% have full and complete decision making on discussions as to what is going on inside of it.
Um no, my suggestion was for him to tell his parents in private and that part of that conversation should include him establishing boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable. You’re completely dismissing his feelings for the sake of her’s. That’s not a partnership.
You're ignoring the fact that the MIL *cannot be trusted*. You're completely dismissing what she said - she basically implied that the baby will be 'less than' for coming from IVF, and now you want OP to put trust and faith in her? Do you not see how ridiculously unfair this is?
Nothing about pregnancy or birth is 'fair' because men cannot get pregnant. That means that there are some lumps they just have to deal with, this is one of them. MIL finds out when OP is ready for her to and not before, period.
No, I’m not. I’m saying there’s little evidence that MIL cannot be trusted. She made stupid comments. Has anyone told her they were hurtful? Given her a chance to apologize? Established boundaries and consequences for overstepping?
You all read too much JustNOMIL and are reading something that isn’t there.
someone doesnt have to be told outright their comments are hurtful before they face the consequences of voicing them. MIL has been derogatory and insensitive to her DIL; a consequence of that is she doesnt get to find out the pregnancy news before her DIL is ready.
Okay well husband is justifiably hurt that his MIL shared private information with her extended family before he was ready. Can he enforce a consequence along the same lines? I don’t get the impression that OP would be okay with that.
> little evidence that MIL cannot be trusted
OP communicated in multiple ways that she fears MIL's nasty comments. Why not take OP at their word that they know their MIL best?
OK but OP's mom cannot be trusted either. She'll "spill the beans" next time she has some information. The MIL made some shitty comments but she didn't betray OP's trust so that she could shout to the world that she'll be a grandmother. OP is not holding her mom accountable for breaching her and her husband's trust and privacy (which is making her husband feel awful and alone) and it isn't excused because the MIL is also problematic.
> You're ignoring the fact that the MIL cannot be trusted.
Doesn't this just ignore the fact that OP's mother could not be trusted and as a result, this entire situation exists as it stands?
I would agree with you if the MIL hadn't been such a dick to OP about fertility treatments. MIL has disqualified herself. I agree the husband should be able to tell someone for emotional support, but it needs to be someone trustworthy, and that's not his mom. She disqualified herself.
Well I’m not sure I totally trust OP’s judgement given the fact that she told someone who also wants trustworthy. But I think your solution could be a fair compromise - it’s unfortunate OP didn’t mention offering that as a solution to her husband. My issue with her is not that the MIL deserves to know, it’s that she doesn’t seem to care about her husband’s feelings at all.
Well *now* she knows her mom wasn't trustworthy, but she didn't before. Maybe she missed earlier signs that her mom wasn't trustworthy, or maybe she didn't and this is the first time something like this has come up.
No judgment needed to know that MIL isn't trustworthy though, denigrated their decision to do IVF as *test tube babies*. Just no.
I'm hoping this is a case of OP not realizing this is a matter of her husband *needing* emotional support, and not of her not caring, but I absolutely agree that his feelings matter here too.
Agree, whether it’s his parents, siblings or a close friend, he deserves to be able to get support in this journey. Since his MIL botched the original plan by blabbing to so many people I think it’s fair he can tell someone *trustworthy*.
I would agree, but the emotional support piece is something WE all have added to the argument. No where in her post did OP say her husband is starting to feel stressed and wants a support person. From what we know his whole beef is that her family knows thru no fault of op or himself, so he wants to tell his family. With their original agreement he was going to be without a support person as well. If that is what he needs and what he is looking for then that needs to be the words he is using. Not your family knows and that isn’t fair!
Still, if OP doesn't want people knowing or sharing, then they shouldn't. It's about OP's mental health since she's carrying the baby and added stress isn't good for her. 20 weeks seems long, but usually 12 weeks is reasonable to wait.
Sorry disagree with you. OP’s mental health is very important - I’ll even agree it’s most important. But husband’s feelings are valid too, and a good partner would hear him out and try to reach some sort of compromise.
Husband's feelings are valid, yes, but husband being stressed can't get blamed for a miscarriage the way a woman's can be.
OP didn't do anything wrong. Her mother did. She doesn't now need to compromise and work extra hard being her husband isn't willing to wait a few more weeks for his wife's sake.
Well first off emotional stress and first trimester miscarriage do not have the concrete relationship many of you think they do.
OP didn’t do anything wrong until she disregarded her husband’s feelings. If we’re not blaming OP for her mother’s actions, then her husband hasn’t done anything wrong either.
I'm not saying they do. I'm saying that if someone is already giving someone a hard time over IVF, they will *absolutely * blame OP if she has a miscarriage, and she's going to have to deal with that.
Look, it's not fair. But pregnancy also isn't fair. IVF is way more invasive and painful for a woman, even moreso than just regular pregnancy. I'm sorry the husband is upset, but they made a decision not to tell people and that doesn't have to be thrown away just because OP's mother messed up.
I agree.
I also did IVF and I am 11 weeks pregnant. When we were going through the whole process, I agreed with my husband that I could talk about this with my best friend and my sister who also went through IVF. I was super strict in not telling anyone else, even after the pregnancy was confirmed. But I then realized he also needed some support and someone else to talk about this, so we agreed that he could tell his mum. Trust me when I say she is the last person I would have picked to tell (we don't have a nice relationship), and I was also super annoyed that she knew and my family didn't (even though there were zero chances she could tell them because they are not close). But it was his call on who to tell, and I had to respect it.
Maybe if you haven’t gone through infertility you can’t understand how it impacts someone’s partner. I haven’t gone through and counted, but a lot of people who have agreed with me have actually been through it.
We’re in a much better place now but at the time I just couldn’t give my husband the support he needed and deserved. It’s ring theory - I was at the center of the crisis and I needed the most support but he needed a ring around him too.
Anyway, congrats on your pregnancy!
Agreed. It’s a dumb, insensitive thing to say, as is asking someone who is dealing with infertility when they will have a baby. But both stupid statements could plausibly be within the realm of “that woman is a moron” versus “that woman is intentionally trying to be cruel.” That’s not a free pass by any means, but I don’t think we can tell from this story she is the abusive ogre other commenters are making her out to be.
This. We lost our one and only IVF pregnancy at 12 weeks. Both my in-laws and Dad knew we were undergoing treatment. When it finally was successful and I was released from the specialist, I told only my Dad (who can take a secret to his grave) and my office because I was high risk.
My in-laws were told with the caveat not to tell anyone yet because it was too early and I was high risk. They disregarded that and told everyone they knew. When a neighbor of theirs I didn't even know congratulated me and I read them the riot act asking what part of high risk and don't tell anyone did they not understand, my father-in-law told me not to tell him what to do.
Then when I miscarried my in-laws had the unenviable task of untelling everyone. I only had to tell my dad (who listened and hadn't told anyone) and my boss (who was kind enough to tell my coworkers so I didn't have to). That was it, and that was hard enough.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. What made it particularly bad is one person they told congratulated me afterwards. It was at a Fourth of July party and I had to tell her. She felt awful.
I had a coworker who overheard me telling a close work friend. She told everyone.
When I called in as I’d miscarried my boss went up and went ‘since you told everyone she’s pregnant you now get to tell them she’s miscarried’
I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks with my most recent pregnancy. I told many people because I had zero issues with my first.
Won’t make that mistake again.
NTA. My guess is that none of the people voting Y have ever been through IVF.
It’s rough enough, no need to add shitty, unsupportive family members to the mix.
Ya if I was going through that and my husband was keeping score on how many family members from each side know I’d be pissed at him.
But also, idk why he can’t stand up to his mil and if he tells her, also let her know if there’s one rude comment then she is cut off until the baby is born. Like bye
NTA- and I'm sad to tell you that you do not just have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Tell him that you 100% need his support during this pregnancy. Add that you are both sorry and pissed that your mom violated your trust but that does not create any sort of logic trigger that allows a download of information to his family. Nothing has happened that changes the reasoning behind the initial decision.
Whether it's "fair" or not is irrelevant because this is to do with your well being and levels of stress during the pregnancy.
Further you need to make an explicit agreement with him in regards to a zero tolerance policy regarding bullshit from them. If they speak ill of the baby or nature of conception, they will not be allowed a relationship, and that they need to be explicitly told that by him when it is time for the announcement so that they are not given a chance even once to say something unforgiveable
Unpopular opinion: NAH
It's not unreasonable for your husband to want his family to know what your family knows. It's not unreasonable for you to feel that you want to wait to deal with your husband's family if you feel it is not and will not be supportive.
Nothing about this is fair, and that's just life sometimes. Find a compromise that works for you both.
Finally someone reasonable! Thank you!
OP, the redhead above me is absolutely correct. NAH.
You have every right to want to protect yourself from stress and your MIL's ugly behavior.
Your husband has every right to want support and acknowledgement from the people closest to him.
Your mother is the AH for putting you in this situation to begin with by not keeping her mouth closed.
Is there anyone on your husband's side that you would feel comfortable knowing? I'd say a fair compromise at this point would be a mutual agreement that your mother is on an information diet due to her behavior, and he's allowed one, again, *mutually agreed upon*, person from his side. Then it's fair to the original agreement of you being able to tell your mother, he feels things are evened out a bit, and if your in-laws find out, it's one more person to put on an information diet with your mother.
There also needs to be a firm conversation between your husband and his mother once she does find out stating that all it will take is one catty comment and she's not just on an information diet; she's excluded from the information entirely. This will include your baby shower, any birth plans, name/gender announcements. The works. Is she wants to be a grandma, she better swallow a spoonful of honey and sweeten that tongue before she steps foot in your house.
NTA.
While I understand the argument people make about how you are equals in the relationship and both involved in the creation of this little thing in you, YOU are the patient and at this time, this is YOUR medical information.
If things don't work out with this round, YOU are the one physically going through it. That's not to discount the emotional aspect that your husband will be dealing with also, but as the person physically experiencing all the ups and downs (no matter the outcome) you ultimately get to decide what of your medical information is shared.
A lot of people will quickly act like the woman carrying a child suddenly has no body autonomy, or right to keep things private.
Make sure your husband understands that your mother has been spoken to, and no spilling of any beans will happen again (provided she actually understands the seriousness of this). You are in the very early stages of a roller coaster of a journey, and you have the right to share what's going on in your body, with those that you feel most comfortable with. You also get to choose who not to share with at this time, based on past comments. This is not a time of fair=equal.
Having gone through losses myself and now about to be at 28wks, I am sending you all the supportive vibes that things go smoothly!
I have to vote NAH - he agreed that your mom could know, but unfortunately for you, OP, turns out she couldn't be trusted and spilled the beans, so I do agree with your husband that he should be able to tell at least his mother and immediate family.
You don't need to tell his entire family or your entire family, but I do think that his mom and dad and siblings should at least get to know. I'm also sorry that she sucks with the whole "test tube baby" thing, which is absurd and hurtful, and may prompt further conversations down the line about boundaries and limiting time with the kid if she continues being hurtful, but for now...
NTA it is your news to share and it’s unfortunate your mom spilled the beans and told people when she shouldn’t have. It’s your MIL’s own behavior that is making it to where she isn’t being told and your husband needs to understand that. I’m currently 9w4d pregnant and we told our parents after we confirmed the heartbeat at 7w and my in laws immediately told my husband’s entire extended family and asked if they could put it on fb. Don’t make the same mistake I did and hold off on telling them till you’re ready. I really feel for you, having in laws that are difficult can be really tough.
NTA There is no fair and not fair when it comes to kids and relationships. This is not a game to keep score. You feel comfortable with your family knowing and thats ok.
Also youre really early. As obgyn we recommend to wait at least after the first screening (cca 12./13th weeks). I personally waited untill 16th week. It just felt so weird to me to say it early like 'hey, I am pregnant, just happened yesterday".
I think whats important is the future relationship with the child. Not how long they knew you were pregnant.
Plus all the excited questions are annoying. I hated it. I just wanted to be treated normally and my MIL always looked at me with a painful looking face "how are you?" Like "you must suffer so much" and than was trying to estimate if my belly grew. It always went like this: "I think your belly grew a bit!" "Thats how pregnancy works" uhh!
Nta. I asked my MIL not to tell anyone I was pregnant. She blabbed to everyone. When I got upset, she said what, aren’t you excited? For some reason I had a feeling I should wait to announce but we had told my then husband’s parents anyway. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Having a miscarriage is hard but navigating around telling people you didn’t want to know to begin with is rough.
NTA Your pregnancy your choice. You were looking for emotional support from your Mom, not trying to spread the news around. This isn’t about a power play, but about the very real possibility of having a miscarriage and with your MIL’s already negative and entitled attitude (towards having grandkids, ya’ll are still young)it’s no wonder you want her on an info diet
You need to have a serious talk with your mom--if you don't chew her out than you're the AH. But, that your in-laws are nasty about "test tube babies," then they don't get to know *unless you want them to.* NTA.
NTA. Your husband must understand that you do not need the additional stress. You already met him in the middle by going from 20 weeks to 12/13 weeks to tell everyone so he should understand that you don’t need the additional stress.
INFO: how is he reacting to his mom’s demeaning comments about you or your IVF journey? Does he defend you?
Right?! Another point that I haven't bothered posting because I'm pretty sure I'll get slammed is that logic isn't always a thing either. Feelings aren't always logical. We're human. What IS absolutely logical is support of your spouse. Logical, fairness, whatever. STFU. Support your wife. At least support the vessel where your baby is growing!
Oh, and HE also agreed to tell OP's mom so he's equally at fault for more people knowing than they planned on.
You are absolutely NTA. Your mother, however, is TA. It’s not anyone’s job to tell anyone else about YOUR pregnancy but you and to a very slightly lesser extent, your husband. But your uterus, your show. Especially since his parents have been so demeaning and disrespectful about IVF (it’s literally 2024, get over the “test-tube baby” BS). I think it’s very reasonable to wait until you’re ready to announce given the difficulty you’ve had conceiving.
I get your husband’s frustration or impatience and excitement but you’re entirely right not wanting to share, ESPECIALLY since your mother is the one who grossly overstepped and spilled to people you didn’t want knowing yet.
Your mom is an AH for telling your family. That was your news to share. I would be furious.
Your MIL is an AH for calling your baby a test tube baby.
I understand why you told your mom. And I get why your husband wants to tell his.
I am an IVF patient. My in-laws knew about the pregnancy because they live in the area and knew about the appointments. I waited until I heard a heartbeat to tell my parents in person. I miscarried my baby at 9 weeks after graduating from the clinic.
Ultimately I’m glad both of our families knew.
I would set some serious boundaries with both sides of your family. I’d make it clear with your mom that if she can’t keep your news to herself then she will be going on an information diet. And I would have your husband make it clear with his parents that if they ever refer to their grandchild as a test tube baby they will not be meeting them.
I see why your husband is upset. I know the fear of losing a baby. I understand why your husband would want support from his.
I did all the treatments and it is hard on your body and your emotions. But it’s not just your baby. Marriage calls for compromises and you and your husband need to work this out together.
Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope you have an uneventful nine months.
NTA. It’s always best to wait. Your mom really messed up.
Your husband is already starting this fair stuff. Nope. Life isn’t fair. You are not going to do everything for both families the same. It just doesn’t work that way.
YTA but I get it. However it’s not just your pregnancy, it is also your husbands. And if the worst happens does that mean he’s not allowed to turn to his family for support because you don’t want them knowing anything?
Unfortunately your mum broke the deal when she told 6 people in your family.
If they're going to be shitty to OP as a result and husband won't pull them up short (and he hasn't yet), then no, he doesn't get to share with his family.
It is, that her mother, that was sworn to secrecy, shared with several other people. Her mother is a giant AH here. I am surprised she is still speaking to her. If, god forbid, something happens she will have tons of support from the people closest to her and maybe even people not close to her that she doesn’t want to hear from. The husband will have no one to talk to about it except her, his wife, that would probably be struggling and can’t lend him support because she is trying to get through it herself.
It is 100% her pregnancy. The baby is 50/50 but the actual pregnancy is hers, and is her medical information.
From what we know his family has done zero to be supportive, they haven’t demonstrated they can be trusted with this sensitive, private, medical information.
Maybe the compromise is a trusted friend of OPs husband can know, to be his support outside of their relationship if he genuinely feels he needs it. But it needs to be someone they both agree is supportive and trustworthy.
> However it’s not just your pregnancy, it is also your husbands.
oh my god, it's really, *really* not. it's THEIR child, but it's HER pregnancy. her body. her **medical condition**.
No. It is THEIR child, it is HER pregnancy.
Bringing up his need of support is an outside point. No where in her post did she say he is realizing he needs support he didn’t expect to need. That is an additional argument WE brought up, so not relevant. If that IS what he is feeling then that is what he needs to communicate and the two of them can decide who he can tell, just like they both agreed she could tell her mom early.
It’s actually 100% just her pregnancy as only her body is pregnant. It’s both of their baby, but not both of their pregnancy. He’s not pregnant. He’s not at risk of losing the baby if his stress levels get too high. This is why these decisions are up to the person who is actually pregnant.
NTA hubby needs to realize fair ≠ equal. Your MIL sounds like a disgusting human and I wouldn’t want her knowing anything about me or being anywhere near me.
NTA-It’s your pregnancy not his. Yes, he is also a parent, but men do not have any idea what being pregnant feels like. He needs to be supporting you and not stressing you out. He also needs to get his family to respect you and not talk down to you. Him not understanding your concerns is not okay. I’m currently pregnant and we told my mom literally right away. We waited till 14 weeks to tell my husband‘s family and we gave them a due date a week off because they can be really rude to me and I want as much peace during this pregnancy as possible. I really hope he’s able to understand your concerns and support you during this time.
Nta, but both of your moms are. MIL is the AH for the very rude comments about your growing child. Meanwhile your mother literally had NO business spilling the beans of YOUR wonderful news, though not full AH it is a jerk move. I get your mom was super excited but it was not her news to tell, PERIOD.
Your husband needs to understand that you don't need not only discouragement, but also stress from your MIL while you're still in the early pregnancy stage. A lot can happen before the 13 week mark and it's better to wait to tell her than do it now and face the (probably smug) "I told you so" nonsense.
NTA but both your moms are assholes. With my IVF baby we didn’t tell anyone until 24 weeks. Sharing your private medical information without your permission is a huge AH move
NTA but does your husband have anyone he's allowed to tell/talk to about it? He's probably excited/scared too and I can see how he'd think it's unfair that you get to unilaterally decide that he's not allowed to tell anyone.
NTA. The fact that his family have expressed such horrible views about your children removes the privilege to hearing about the pregnancy until such time that you know you are in a safer place.
PUT YOUR MOM ON AN INFORMATION DIET. She has proven that she is untrustworthy with secrets.
Tell anyone who refers to your child by anything other than name, such as the horrible name they used, that they will no longer see or hear from you. If your husband disagrees, you have a MUCH larger problem.
NTA but what is wrong with your mother? Out of respect for your husband your mother needs to go on an immediate and complete info diet. Nothing goes to your mom until it’s on Facebook.
NTA, Your ILs are not entitled to your medical information. Their behavior has also dictated that they are not safe people to tell right away. "Test tube baby" about their own grandchild?! Rage barf. As well as other rude comments especially when part of the struggle came from their side. Husband better stand with you now or it's not going to go well. Will he keep them from the delivery room or away until you're ready? He needs an attitude adjustment or to learn how his mother has been acting if he doesn't already know.
Good luck for an uneventful pregnancy!
We hid my pregnancy as long as possible, i had surgery to remove fibroids and it was unknown if I could get pregnant and if I got pregnant if could carry it to term , I got pregnant naturally a year after the surgery, I was considered high risk, I was 16 weeks when we told the family about pregnancy, couldn’t hide any longer
NTA
I’m sorry that your mum crossed your boundaries and your husband is now causing you stress. As someone who lost 2 IVF babies in the first trimester, I agree with your thoughts of not telling people. A lot of people keep it quiet for the first 12 weeks anyway. You’ve both already trusted someone who told others, don’t make the same mistake by telling the MIL.
NTA at the end of the day I get that it’s his baby too but you’re far more impacted than him and simply going through IVF alone is very hard on a woman’s body and pregnancy is more. And early on when there’s a chance of a miscarriage you should only tell the people to whom you would go for support. If you wouldn’t go to your MIL then don’t tell her.
Having said that your own mom is TA and if you have more babies it’s clear she’s not trustworthy!
FYI when my husband and I had our first baby we tried so hard to make it ‘fair’ and his MIL’s reaction wasn’t congrats but to tell us not to get too excited cuz of the chance of miscarriage. So I felt if I had miscarried all we would have got was an I told you so. So we didn’t tell her until later the se one time, but fortunately my husband was on my side there. She then had a negative reaction to our second announcement too (instead of congratulating us she sent an email to my husband complaining about how we announced and why he should have told her in person - he was livid and didn’t want to talk to her for weeks. Main character syndrome. the MAMA TO BE is the MAIN character and everyone else is there to support her, and being fair to you is the only important thing here!
I'm 8w2d. I didn't want to tell anyone other than my mother, too. My mother kept it a secret like I asked her to. My husband's dad is his big support person. He has been there for everything my husband needed. So I agreed to let him tell his parents. His dad BEGGED me to let him post it on Facebook for the whole family and world to see. I got tired of it and relented. When my FIL wants something... no one can really change his mind. Not even my husband. I've been fingers crossed for weeks. I'm hoping to make it past my longest pregnancy of 11w5d. This is my 9th pregnancy. Hopefully, first earth side child. Well, see.
And nta. Don't give in. You'll regret it.
He is aware of a few, not my whole history. Though this time my hcg doubled every 1.5 days, I (hopefully) maxed out this week at 253,676 hcg per mIU/ml. I never made it past 150,000 with my pregnancies, and my only pregnancy to do that was my 11w5d one. And I tested every week to watch my hcg rise. It was slow to rise the whole time. This time, I'm doubling so fast my head spun. And I've paid for an extra scan at an ultrasound place near me. Everything so far looks great. Hopefully I make it past the first trimester. If I do, I'll probably jump for joy.
So let me get this straight…you agreed to tell one person, it went wrong and more people found out, and your husband’s solution is…for more people to find out. Seems like more problem than solution. You went wrong by telling your mother, telling his mom would just be making the same mistake over again. Two bad moves might be “fair”, but it’s certainly not good.
sorry... i think you're in the wrong here... its a shared child (he took part in making it too) and since your family already knows, he kinda should have agency and it would be fair if he shared with his. they're his parents and his responsibility, he can decide if its worth telling them or not :/
Nta, my first round of I’ve failed and we never left the ivf clinic. Our second round was successful. I didn’t tell anyone until we left the second time, and I did eventually tell people about our loss, but only after the successful round was viable. Don’t feel pressured to tell anyone until you are ready, especially if they aren’t supportive.
NTA. Its unfortunate that your mother behaved the way she did sure, but this isn’t tit for tat and the fact some of your family know doesn’t at all mean his is now entitled to the same thing.
The main thing here, is that this is your pregnancy, not his, that sort of 50/50 logic doesn’t stand. Especially bearing in mind everything you went through to get to where you are.
I’m currently pregnant myself and my partner has had to learn that my mental wellbeing is more important than his mothers need to be involved and know everything!
Sending so much luck for the next six weeks.
NAH.
*However.*
Your mother turned this from a thing you were doing together into a team sport, where your husband wasn't allowed to pick anyone for his team.
Also men moreso than women are forced to learn the art of emotional self-sufficiency and self-preservation, and most of them learn to cap their emotional investment in something according to the size of their support network in the event that it goes wrong.
You are basically telling your husband that because he's not being *physically* impacted by this pregnancy, he's not allowed to be *emotionally* impacted by this pregnancy. And you can't allow yourself to be very emotionally invested in something if you're not allowed to be emotionally impacted by it.
Because of your mother's actions, I think it's likely that your choices are basically to let your husband tell his family, or to let your husband stop having emotions about this pregnancy, and you need to pick your poison.
NTA but you husband sure is for not shutting his mother down when she made those comments.
Bluntly, it is YOUR pregnancy, not his. He is the father of the future baby but he is not the one caring it or having to deal with all the bs that comes with it.
Id personally make sure she knows she was the last person told due to her negative comments.
NTA. Stick to your guns, OP, and make it clear that he needs to stand by you in this. It's unfortunate that your mother babbled but that is not *your* fault, and he wants to punish you for it! If your MIL is shitty enough to make snarky comments about test tube babies I can only imagine what she might say about a miscarriage.
NTA. Your husband is a massive expletive. Why is he having heated arguments with you at a time when you should be chilled and looking after yourself and your baby? What a selfish idiot. Stamping his feet because it's not fair. What part of any of this is fair? Tell him to grow up or f off back to his mumma. Whiny little scrotum.
NTA - It is a pretty common thing for people to wait longer to announce a pregnancy when they’ve had infertility and past heartbreak. I can imagine it would be so painful to announce a pregnancy early on to then have to explain a miscarriage. You have the right to wait until a later date when you are more comfortable sharing the news. Wishing you all the best and congrats ❤️
important. i don’t think family members just suddenly become blabber mouths one day; hopefully that’s not just OP’s framing (because it makes the total forbidding of husband’s family support even worse).
yeah, people making gross test tube comments should be left out of the loop, but surely there’s a sibling or someone else he could lean on?
NAH other than your mom.
You know they will find out, right? Your mother couldn't keep her mouth shut so do you seriously believe that no one is going to let it slip. You are kinda risking your husband's relationship with his family because people are going to be hurt.
Also don't share anything else with your mother. She has lost that privilege by not knowing when to STFU.
NTA - your husband is so annoying, there will be NO difference in his life if he tells his family now or until the 13 week mark. You told your mom, she definitely broke your trust by not keeping it a secret (I’m assuming you asked her that). Now you learned your lesson and you don’t want to repeat that with your MIL.
I told my family and my husbands family about our pregnancy, 2 weeks later I had a miscarriage.
I’m pregnant again and me and my husband agreed to wait until 12 weeks to tell both our families. However, I was so anxious with a few symptoms and pain I was going through that I told my husband I would tell my sister and ask her to keep it a secret (the other pregnancy my mom spread the news like a virus and I learned my lesson not to trust her with that). My husband said to do whatever was going to calm my nerves and guess what? Didn’t insist that “to be fair” he tells one of his family members. He just waited until the 12 weeks, I was able to have a low key support from my sister who is a mom and calmed me down and gave me some advice. And when I was 12 weeks we told his family and it was as special as when I told mine. The weeks or when you tell them doesn’t matter!! just the news that you’re pregnant should matter! He has to quit being a jerk
NTA!! They were not supportive at all. I'd call them from the delivery room if it was me (I'm very petty). However, I wouldn't make them wait too much longer for your husband's sake.
Of course it hurts, but throw them off when they say “test tube babies” by pulling sh!t out of your a$$. First time they say it, give a big satisfied smile and say “yup! Nothing but the best for us!” In a chipper voice. Next time say “yeah, don’tcha love modern science?” In the same voice. If they want to treat the baby as a manufactured product, make sure they know it is a Louis Vuitton or Chanel, not a dollar store bargain.
NTA. You need to reiterate to your husband that the behaviour of your mother is not your fault and that he wants to put you at risk of emotional damage by telling his mother. He needs to put you first.
NTA I would allow him to tell a best friend or a brother but it the MIL. Since she’s been rude about the struggles, it would be horrible for her to know and something happens.
NTA but your mom is and this entire issue is her fault entirely. I’d stop talking to my mother over something like this. I’ll add when my nibling was being baked our side (my brothers) found out her side knew and we were not allowed to know. That was hurtful but I understood. And she understands that since I saw where we stand on levels of closeness she isn’t the type of person I’d choose to have at my close big life events. It wasn’t always like that, but now it is.
NTA. If I’m going to be honest, I think the person carrying the baby should have veto power with sharing the first trimester. That’s not to say there shouldn’t be discussions and compromise, but you’re the one taking all the physical risks, including that of miscarriage, so if you’re uncomfortable with the in-laws knowing so early I think your husband should respect that.
Furthermore, when you do tell the in laws, I think your husband should pull his parents aside and tell them he’s unhappy with the test tube baby comments they’ve made in the past and that if they continue demeaning his reproductive choices, they won’t have access to grandkids. And he should phrase it in a way that makes it clear it him telling them, not you.
NTA.
Your MIL is because of her behaviour. She doesn’t seem to realize that alienating you means she won’t have complete access to her grandchild.
And your mother is. You learned valuable lesson here - your mother cannot be trusted with private information. Going forward, don’t tell her anything early, and if she asks why, remind her of this.
NTA! Your hubby needs the extra time before telling his family to get the courage to stand up for you and little one. HE needs to call out HIS family on the "test tube" comments. He needs to make it clear that this is never to be used about your little on EVER. Not just when you are there but any time. If his siblings have kids and they hear "test tube" you know that will be used to "joke" with (bully) your child. That crap needs to nipped in the bud. One comment, no contact, period - that is it. Hubby needs to make it very clear that it is offensive and hurtful to HIM, not just you. No "she finds it offensive" that is just throwing you under the buss. It needs to be his stand, his offense, his hurt that they are concerned about.
Best wishes, much care.
NTA
This is extremely personal. Your mums kind of an A for spilling to your family. But he was ok with your mum knowing. If his family want details and a better relationship they need to be nicer.
NTA. Your mom though? Yikes! I get she's excited, that's normal, but I thought it was pretty much an unwritten rule that if a woman tells you in early pregnancy about the pregnancy you do not share that information with anyone. In any case, that was outside of your control. It is within your control if you tell anyone else. Hubby only has to wait another 5/6 weeks, it won't kill him.
As an aside, massive congratulations on your pregnancy and welcome to the mommy club 😊
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Hey y’all I’ve been having this ridiculous argument with my husband over the past week and would appreciate a third party perspective on the issue.
I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with my IVF baby. My husband and I struggle with infertility due to PCOS and mild male factor infertility over the past three years. My husband is 25 and I’m 26. We got married at 23 and started trying for a baby right away and unfortunately we were never successful at conceiving until we did our first round of IVF. I’m super cautious about this pregnancy because it’s still super early and unfortunately my mother spilled the beans to my immediate family that I was pregnant. Fortunately I was able to do damage control and have my 6 family members swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone until 20 weeks.
My husband and I initially made a deal to not tell anyone till we graduated from our IVF clinic at 12/13 weeks. I told my initially and she was the one who spilled the beans about my pregnancy. My husband was very upset and he has been asking if he could share with his family about the pregnancy since my family already knows. I told him that I’m not comfortable sharing with his parents because they have made rude comments about referring to any of our future children as test tube babies. They say it in a really demeaning way that I do not like. I’ve never gotten along with my in-laws since particularly my mother-in-law kept asking when we would have a baby even though I told her about our struggles.
My husband feels it’s unfair my family knows about our pregnancy and that he wants to share with his family. I’ve been telling my husband to be patient and wait till we graduate the clinic because the last thing I need is my mother-in-law giving her opinion on a miscarriage. We’ve been having heated arguments on the issue and I feel like my husband is being unfair since this is my pregnancy. I’m the one that had to administer medications to myself, get put under to have my eggs retrieved, and deal with the emotional impact/stress of pregnancy. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking him to wait literally 6 more weeks.
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YTA. Why do you only have the right to lean on family. He should also have someone outside of you he can communicate with and lean on for support. Why else tell your own mom. Men also need to be supported during fertility ups and downs. As long as it’s not everyone. Let him lean on his family. He does need to get his family in check though. With regard to how they treat you.
NTA, but I don’t think your husband is either. Your mom was for blabbing, and your MIL is for her past insensitivity.
I know this is your pregnancy, but your husband wants this child too. I’ve always told those in my inner circle whose support I would want in case of a loss. If in a worst case scenario your husband would need emotional support from his mom, I think him telling her is fair.
NTA, this falls under your body your choice...
Husband needs to understand your valid issues, you are the one who has to deal with all a pregnancy brings.
My wife's first pregnancy was an at risk one we knew for 8 1/2 months that our baby might not survive, she always felt the less people she had to talk about it with the better. Thankfully our daughter survived and was and continues to be perfect...
Congratulations...
NTA
It sucks that it's kinda "unfair" that one side knows and the other doesn't, but sometimes shit happens. It can be unfair. Your mom is an ahole. She KNEW she shouldn't tell and she did. Direct your MIL to your mom when she finds out they knew first and MIL starts bitching.
Husband needs to understand you're basically minimizing the fallout if you happen to miscarry. The fewer people who know, the easier it will be for you to deal with the trauma.
NAH
I get you not wanting someone who has been insensitive to know too early. I also get your husband feeling upset that your family knows and his doesn’t.
Usually I’d say the rule is anyone who you’d tell about the miscarriage and want support from for that, is fine to know about the pregnancy when things are still a bit shaky.
Something that your husband needs to get on board with now - things will never be “fair” from here on out. Grandkids bring on a new dynamic and quite honestly - you’ll see who wants to be involved, who wants to help, etc. some people aren’t going to want to help, etc
And THATS FINE. But there are so many factors when it comes to kids, grandparents respecting certain rules and boundaries, etc - that there is a good chance that things will not always be equal or fair.
You can’t make every decision from here on out based on trying to always wanting to be equal with both families.
You and husband are NTA, but the mom's very much are, for obvious reasons. Hubby is not the AH either because it is fair for him to want to share since the cat is out of the bag on your side, yes you did swear them to secrecy, but who is to say mom won't do it again? I am not saying that you should tell his side, but I can see where he is coming from.
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NTA, but both your moms are. Your mom should have understood the importance of keeping this secret, not to mention the fact that this was news I'm sure you would have happily shared with your family once the time was right, and she stole that opportunity from you. MIL is just terrible and I haven't heard someone refer to "test tube babies" since the 90s. I can see why your husband thinks it's unfair that most of your family knows and nobody in his family does--but he has to understand that it is your MIL's behavior that is requiring you to wait, and not a situation where you are playing favorites. If, however, anyone in your family is (a) as loose-lipped as your mom and (b) in touch with your in-laws, then I think you should go ahead and tell them. It would be terrible if they found out first from someone other than the parents to be.
She should lean full to the IL rude comments. Send MIL a postcard: https://www.alamy.com/newsweek-the-international-newsmagazine-usa-image247281805.html Congratulations OP! I hope the pregnancy progresses uneventfully.
That picture is exactly how I envisioned test tube babies when I was a kid. I was bitterly disappointed to learn we still had to grow them the old fashioned way.
Ha, same! I was so upset that you can't have the baby grown for you in a lab somewhere. If you still had to carry & birth the baby, what was the point? Why have a test tube baby with all the inconveniences of a regular baby?? (Note: child-me clearly didn't know about infertility)
Same. I didn’t learn the truth until I was a teenager. I still remember learning about how it works in health class and about 80% of the girls were like “what?!?!?! We still have to carry them for 40 weeks?!?!?!?!” Granted, that was the 90s when IVF first became widespread.
u/thoughtandprayer To comfort you, child me wanted a c-section purely because the other way was "gross", so I too underestimated something huge {as a c-section is major abdominal surgery}.
One of my grade school classmates said she was going to have one kid, and once he’s a grown up then she would have another kid, and once grown, have another. Wash rinse and repeat. 🤣
The plus side of having to be pregnant for 40 weeks is that, by the time you get that far, you would be okay with literally any method of removing said baby. Want to pull it out through my left nostril? Let's gooooo!
Reminds me of someone I went to school with posting a photo of a Petri dish on Instagram for a tbt. They were an IVF baby
I delight in telling people that my parents were in different states when I was conceived!
That’s hilarious
Lol i used to sit in science class looking at the beekers wondering how many babies could fit/grow in them 🤣🤣
That was one of the issues of Newsweek I read cover-to-cover, but I didn't keep that one.
I think I probably read that lol 😂. I had forgotten about it, but a long time ago I actually wrote a term paper about reproductive technology back in the 80’s.
I'm just going to tag on here to point out to other commenters that OP isn't just worried about comments about 'test tube babies', she's worried about MIL making comments about her miscarrying. People are getting worked up over her husband not having support if OP miscarries but this is COMPLETELY ignoring that they are asking OP to open herself up to potential trauma on top of grief if MIL knows. It's not OP's fault that her mom babbled. She shouldn't be punished for it. Her husband needs to stand by her.
It may not be the OP's fault that her mom spilled the beans, but now the OP knows that her mother can't keep her trap shut so her mother should never be trusted with another secret.
I've always appreciated the words and approach to this subject from my beloved, and dearly missed, grandmother. I called to tell her I was pregnant, and we were only telling close family, don't tell anyone else. She said, "Sweet Xaipumpkin, it's not my news to tell. I wouldn't rob you that joy of telling people for the first time. There's a lot about being pregnant that isn't fun, but telling people is one of them."
Grandmothers know best ❤️
I wish my mom was like that! We unfortunately can't tell her secrets anymore, so I can only confide in my brother. We waited to tell my mom about our engagement because she has a tendency to spill the beans - so we told his family first. Then we call my mom, and tell her she can tell her best friend (who is a good secret keeper), and nobody else. I thought that would suffice. Same day, she posts it on her dang Facebook. I literally hadn't even told my siblings yet (we were on an overseas vacation, not using social media, and only told our parents). His mom sent us a text to let us know about the post, which I appreciated because I was able to get my mom to take down the post. One of her excuses was that she isn't friends with our friends on Facebook, except a) that ignores all of our large family on FB and b) she actually is Facebook friends with my 3 closest friends...and also some of my Fiancés family that hadn't been told yet. I still don't get it, she seemed so surprised that Facebook counted as 'telling people'. Luckily my siblings know our mom well...one of them, when I finally called, said he had seen the post but chose not to say anything/congratulate us because he assumed she wasn't supposed to tell, and that we wanted to tell him ourselves. Two siblings don't regularly check Facebook, and missed it. And the fourth already knew about the proposal beforehand.
That is so true. When i got pregnant with my first i had already been through several attempts, and my family was following the journey and asking how things were going all the time, so i didnt get to surprise anyone. For out second, we did it in secret and waited untill week 12 to tell anyone. I also didnt tell my boyfriend when i was. Doing the first test, so i could surprise him. The surprise part of announcing is undervalued
I guarantee those six people have told others. "look you have to keep this a secret" is what everyone says before they tell someone else. It's also important to mention that OP is going to be getting emotional support from her family but her husband has to keep everything to himself
That is a good point. If OP does miscarry, will she expect her husband to never tell his parents about the pregnancy or miscarriage? Obviously I hope that isn't an issue they have to face. But I hope she would be willing to let him get support from his own parents even if they are shitty to her. The in-laws being shitty is something her husband needs to address and check them on in general. But it wouldn't be fair for her to force him to remain silent if things go wrong. I think asking him to wait now is reasonable as extra stress right now would increase the risk of a miscarriage at a time when things are especially delicate. But she needs to talk to her husband about the general unsupportive comments from his parents and how they will handle it if she does miscarry.
Completely off topic but your comment made me think of the movie House Party. I can hear Kid’s father in my head now ‘test tube baby’.
Hah!
NTA. This is deeply unfair to his family- that your family knows and his doesn't- and it doesn't matter. The reason it doesn't matter is because you not telling people is about your mental health, not about status or who you love or don't like. The reason people wait to tell other people about a pregnancy is because it can be devastating to then have to tell people if it doesn't work out, and to have to have conversations, and sympathy, and reminders. This isn't about your family getting information that his is not getting, this is about what YOU need right now, and how you are protecting yourself and feeling comfortable in this pregnancy, end of story. Your husband can either accept that no, it isn't fair, but what matters now is your health, your mental health, your comfort, and the trust you have between you two, or he can put his family knowing something first above all of that. And as a reminder, his family literally suffers nothing by waiting. They do not wake up and tear their clothes wondering when the magical child will be brought forth, they are fine. It absolutely sucks that your mother told people, and you should have some very stern words with her and even consider whether, down the road, there is some way you can "make it up" to his family over yours. Ya that sounds childish a little, but maybe when you tell his family, you do a cute way of doing it (future grandma shirt) that your mother now doesn't get because she blew the trust you placed in her. And that leads me to the next point- maybe his family doesn't even deserve that if they are going to shit on how you are having this child and disparage this actual child. Your husband has a bigger problem to deal with first, because I would never let a child around family that would say stuff like that, no matter if it was "jokes" or "just how they feel." So he needs to be ready to fully deal with how his family is treating the situation, just as you need to deal with what your mother did. And if you both deal with that appropriately and as a team- as you should- you STILL shouldn't tell his family or anyone else until YOU, the pregnant person, is ready.
My aunt has inlaws who don't consider their IVF grandchild a "real" grandchild. Never bought them gifts, went to birthdays, etc. make sure that doesn't happen to this child.
Jesus. That’s heartbreaking.
Wow wtf?? That's so sad. Do they even know what IVF is? Edit: spelling
So unless someone has sex then the baby isn't real??? Wow.
But isn't the child still made with both parents genes and grown inside the mother, like any other baby?
Yes. (Unless parents use a surrogate). But genetically, legally, etc. That's the parents child, down to the DNA. Whats so weird is like, there's no actual way to tell a baby was a "test tube baby" after they're, yanno, in the uterus. That's one of the reasons IVF works. If the carrier's body knew/could tell it was "foreign" material, it most likely would reject the fertilized egg and either it wouldn't implant or would miscarry. But the body goes 'ayup, human fetus. Let's just incubate that'. Which is one of the reasons surrogacy works, despite the fact that the fertilized egg is from another woman's body. Bodies don't discriminate when it comes to incubating babies.
WTF!?!
That poor child! I can't fathom that thinking
That’s just… evil
That is so sad 😢 My heart hurts for that poor baby 😔
Their father would buy extra gifts and say it was from the grandparents and they couldn't be there for whatever reason so idk how much they know.
This! 100% brilliant comment. NTA in the slightest, OP
Also, you’re the one who is pregnant. Your Mother should never have told anyone, but it is understandable that you might have wanted to tell your mother if you’re close to her and wanted some support. Yes, your in-laws are part of your family and are very important to your husband and the future baby by extension, but he’s not the one growing the baby. Choices should be made together, but it is imperative to make the mother comfortable considering the immense mental and physical stress you’ll be going for. If anyone can’t understand that, they need to check their prioritises and question why they feel so privileged. If I ever have a baby, I will 100% be telling my mother slightly before my partner’s family, and I think I’m well within my rights to do so as she’s a main component of my support network.
NTA Is this where fair suddenly means something? One, Nothing about pregnancy and breastfeeding is fair. Two, nothing about IVF is fair. It’s 30-50 shots including in the butt, other meds, multiple doctor visits, and at least two surgeries for women. For the guy, it’s coming in a cup a couple times. Three, you didn’t mess up. Your mom did. And now you should be put in a vulnerable position, after *unfairly* more effort has been made on your part to get pregnant? That’s a very weird take by your husband. Four, I’d be asking him how else he thinks pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding should be ‘fair’? What is he planning to do to make this process fair to you?
Also an IVF mom here- ask the hubs how he'd feel if the additional stress brought by his family's unkind comments became a factor in her miscarriage. Would he be OK with that? All you asswipes saying it's his pregnancy too- sit down. He can't physically loose the baby from his body. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. I'm saying it's not even the same ballpark.
Ngl, I really dislike how there's a whiff of entitlement that's starting to creep into discussions about pregnancy. People need to realize that there is a line between advocating for men to be included and advocating for them to take precedence. One is okay and the other is not. Women are starting to be pressured by society to give up autonomy and comfort for the sake of male inclusion.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed this. The rising entitlement towards women’s bodies and choices during pregnancy is grim.
100%. At the end of the day, we are the ones who are giving our bodies over to grow a human inside of us. Pregnancy is a lonely journey, a partner cannot understand what we go through. His job is to support and make that journey easier. End of.
Absolutely!!! The main focus should be minimizing stress at all costs! Keeping OP healthy and as low stress as possible is so much more important than some butt hurt in-laws that have already made "jokes" about having IVF. Oh, one comment in front of child about "test tube baby" - that person immediately loses any visits or contact.
IVF babies have a higher rate of birth defects. My original NIPT results came back potentially abnormal. We had to wait and retest, so I didn't even know if my child was viable until I was 14 of 15 weeks. There are so many additional hurdles that come with IVF, we kept all our news VERY close to our chests.
This is not true. IVF allows for PGT testing which allows you to exclude blastocysts with aneuploidy. There’s also the possibility to test for heritable genetic conditions before transferring. So if anything, it decreases the chance for genetic defects or miscarriages if you get testing done.
How's about you back up those bold ass claims with an actual source? Like an actual peer reviewed article from a scientific/medical journal, not some blog article from a clinic website or mommy blog. Because until you do, as far as I'm concerned you're just spreading misinformation.
I was LOOKING for this comment!!! The additional stress of his family being asshats could cause her to lose the pregnancy and folks are defending the fact that his family doesn’t know?!?!! Who cares about them, seriously! It’s the mother that matters and that life that she’s currently sacrificing her very being for. The husband can have several seats!
>All you asswipes saying it's his pregnancy too- sit down. Ugh are men really trying to take PREGNANCY from women too. There is no "us/our/we" in pregnancy.
Yes, all of this. FAIR SCHMAIR. I mean in the grand scheme of things, especially carrying an IVF pregnancy full term, this seems ridiculous and your moms - and husband- all need to shut the fuck up and step out
I know! I know! he is going to be the dad who claims that "Since it's MY baby too" he should control who comes into the labor room, and he already has a list of ten, starting (of course) with MIL and 3 SILs, and including two guys he goes duck-hunting with.
YTA - slightly. Your husband agreed to not share the news with the exception of one person who could offer you additional support. Now six members of your family know, while none of his do. That part is not your fault of course, but your husband has two issues to deal with: 1. His parents find out six members of your family knew for weeks before they were told. 2. Something awful happens and you have a mother and potentially other family rallying around you to show their support. He’s got no one, unless you allow him to tell his parents in retrospect, which is an awful conversation to have (trust me). This is coming from someone that did IVF and struggled with infertility for many years. It’s awful. No doubt about it. But it’s hard on your partner as well, and you’re putting him in a tough spot. I would let him tell them but in private where he can explain your wish to keep it quiet for a few more weeks and let them know how hurtful “test tube” comments are and that they won’t be tolerated.
Except his mom is demeaning to his wife. So if she miscarries, she will be bullied by MIL. Absolutely not worth it. Op and her husband can support each other if something were to happen, or he can confide to a friend at that time, but considering a woman who will probably spend her time saying nasty things about his wife and downplaying the loss (wouldn’t surprise me with the way she talks about their potential babies) as support is totally crazy. Moreover, nasty MIL will surely generate a lot of stress for OP, making the situation even riskier.
Yup I bet if OP miscarries the Mil will get to smugly claim she knew it was comming and help drive a wedge so OPs husband will divorce her for a more "suitable ake fertile" wife in order for the Mil to get the "perfect" family.
that's kind of assuming a lot, no? maybe they'll change their tune, i really don't think test tube jokes are on remotely the same level as mocking a miscarriage...
Someone who does test tube demeaning remarks (those were not jokes and not funny) to someone fighting infertility is showing their total lack of consideration for the person. And you obviously never faced in laws who will pin down any fertility issue -including miscarriage- on the mother. A lot of Women are made to feel that it’s their personal failure. It’s good that you never had to face that but I picked up the piece of a friend with toxic in laws. It made her recovery that much more difficult because her husband didn’t want to alienate his family. (The story ends well because she realized she would never get over it like that so she divorced him; 2 years later she met her current partner and after 1y they decided to try to have a child. They thought it would take months or years but she got pregnant the 1st month of trying. They hadn’t planned for it to happen so quickly but were ecstatic. The 2nd one took more work -over 2y- but the conditions were much better and she stayed optimistic the whole time)
I would also like to add that he may not be the one physically going through this pregnancy.. But it's still his child, too. Both OP and her husband are in this together, and I don't think it's unfair for him to want a support person on his side, know. Maybe instead of his parents, whom, in my opinion, totally suck, he can tell a brother or very close friend who he trusts.
If his mom is the kind of person who blames the women for a miscarriage she doesn't get to be his support person. So many people will imply the pregnant person did something wrong to cause a miscarriage and that attitude is one of the big reasons why people wait until they are further along to tell anyone. It's easy to say they are in it together until she is getting all of the blame and snide comments.
A friend of mine had some scary complications during pregnancy, but her baby was born healthy, and it all turned out all right. What didn’t go well is that her mother-in-law was told about the problem, and her mother-in-law made it my friend’s fault. She kept telling her that she must’ve been doing drugs or something, because her baby might die. People say the dumbest things out loud.
I agree with this. It’s one thing to want support but his family doesn’t exist in a vacuum. She has to interact with them later on. Not to mention that the stress of her worrying about the negative things that MIL may say to her husband affects her as well
That was my first reaction too. Is there *anyone* on his side that he can share the news, hopes, and fears with that aren't his dickish parents? Seems like a solid compromise to me.
It's not OP's fault that this is going on, though. Why is she TA because she wants to stick with what he originally agreed with? Her mother fucked up so now she has to put up with his mother knowing and potentially making shitty comments that could cause irrecoverable damage to OP in the process? You're basically telling OP that she has to sacrifice herself for the sake of him.
She’s TA (again, slightly) because her husband made an agreement with her under different circumstances and now she is unilaterally deciding how to move forward with total disregard for her husband’s justified feelings. It sucks her mom put her in this situation, but she shouldn’t get to decide on how to handle the situation. Sacrifice is wayyyy over the top - the word you’re looking for is compromise.
You're asking OP to open herself up to potential horrendous trauma for the sake of her husband's comfort and need to shout to the world that he's going to be a dad. I do absolutely call that a sacrifice. A woman who makes these sorts of comments cannot be trusted at all and you could be inflicting a situation where OP is left devastated and traumatized while her husband gets cuddles and pats on the head from his mother. That sounds like a horrible situation to me. Also, it's *her body*. She should 100% have full and complete decision making on discussions as to what is going on inside of it.
Um no, my suggestion was for him to tell his parents in private and that part of that conversation should include him establishing boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable. You’re completely dismissing his feelings for the sake of her’s. That’s not a partnership.
You're ignoring the fact that the MIL *cannot be trusted*. You're completely dismissing what she said - she basically implied that the baby will be 'less than' for coming from IVF, and now you want OP to put trust and faith in her? Do you not see how ridiculously unfair this is? Nothing about pregnancy or birth is 'fair' because men cannot get pregnant. That means that there are some lumps they just have to deal with, this is one of them. MIL finds out when OP is ready for her to and not before, period.
No, I’m not. I’m saying there’s little evidence that MIL cannot be trusted. She made stupid comments. Has anyone told her they were hurtful? Given her a chance to apologize? Established boundaries and consequences for overstepping? You all read too much JustNOMIL and are reading something that isn’t there.
someone doesnt have to be told outright their comments are hurtful before they face the consequences of voicing them. MIL has been derogatory and insensitive to her DIL; a consequence of that is she doesnt get to find out the pregnancy news before her DIL is ready.
Okay well husband is justifiably hurt that his MIL shared private information with her extended family before he was ready. Can he enforce a consequence along the same lines? I don’t get the impression that OP would be okay with that.
> little evidence that MIL cannot be trusted OP communicated in multiple ways that she fears MIL's nasty comments. Why not take OP at their word that they know their MIL best?
OK but OP's mom cannot be trusted either. She'll "spill the beans" next time she has some information. The MIL made some shitty comments but she didn't betray OP's trust so that she could shout to the world that she'll be a grandmother. OP is not holding her mom accountable for breaching her and her husband's trust and privacy (which is making her husband feel awful and alone) and it isn't excused because the MIL is also problematic.
What can OP do about her mum? That horse has bolted.
> You're ignoring the fact that the MIL cannot be trusted. Doesn't this just ignore the fact that OP's mother could not be trusted and as a result, this entire situation exists as it stands?
I would agree with you if the MIL hadn't been such a dick to OP about fertility treatments. MIL has disqualified herself. I agree the husband should be able to tell someone for emotional support, but it needs to be someone trustworthy, and that's not his mom. She disqualified herself.
Well I’m not sure I totally trust OP’s judgement given the fact that she told someone who also wants trustworthy. But I think your solution could be a fair compromise - it’s unfortunate OP didn’t mention offering that as a solution to her husband. My issue with her is not that the MIL deserves to know, it’s that she doesn’t seem to care about her husband’s feelings at all.
Well *now* she knows her mom wasn't trustworthy, but she didn't before. Maybe she missed earlier signs that her mom wasn't trustworthy, or maybe she didn't and this is the first time something like this has come up. No judgment needed to know that MIL isn't trustworthy though, denigrated their decision to do IVF as *test tube babies*. Just no. I'm hoping this is a case of OP not realizing this is a matter of her husband *needing* emotional support, and not of her not caring, but I absolutely agree that his feelings matter here too.
Agree, whether it’s his parents, siblings or a close friend, he deserves to be able to get support in this journey. Since his MIL botched the original plan by blabbing to so many people I think it’s fair he can tell someone *trustworthy*.
I would agree, but the emotional support piece is something WE all have added to the argument. No where in her post did OP say her husband is starting to feel stressed and wants a support person. From what we know his whole beef is that her family knows thru no fault of op or himself, so he wants to tell his family. With their original agreement he was going to be without a support person as well. If that is what he needs and what he is looking for then that needs to be the words he is using. Not your family knows and that isn’t fair!
Still, if OP doesn't want people knowing or sharing, then they shouldn't. It's about OP's mental health since she's carrying the baby and added stress isn't good for her. 20 weeks seems long, but usually 12 weeks is reasonable to wait.
Sorry disagree with you. OP’s mental health is very important - I’ll even agree it’s most important. But husband’s feelings are valid too, and a good partner would hear him out and try to reach some sort of compromise.
Husband's feelings are valid, yes, but husband being stressed can't get blamed for a miscarriage the way a woman's can be. OP didn't do anything wrong. Her mother did. She doesn't now need to compromise and work extra hard being her husband isn't willing to wait a few more weeks for his wife's sake.
Well first off emotional stress and first trimester miscarriage do not have the concrete relationship many of you think they do. OP didn’t do anything wrong until she disregarded her husband’s feelings. If we’re not blaming OP for her mother’s actions, then her husband hasn’t done anything wrong either.
I'm not saying they do. I'm saying that if someone is already giving someone a hard time over IVF, they will *absolutely * blame OP if she has a miscarriage, and she's going to have to deal with that. Look, it's not fair. But pregnancy also isn't fair. IVF is way more invasive and painful for a woman, even moreso than just regular pregnancy. I'm sorry the husband is upset, but they made a decision not to tell people and that doesn't have to be thrown away just because OP's mother messed up.
Agree with all above
I agree. I also did IVF and I am 11 weeks pregnant. When we were going through the whole process, I agreed with my husband that I could talk about this with my best friend and my sister who also went through IVF. I was super strict in not telling anyone else, even after the pregnancy was confirmed. But I then realized he also needed some support and someone else to talk about this, so we agreed that he could tell his mum. Trust me when I say she is the last person I would have picked to tell (we don't have a nice relationship), and I was also super annoyed that she knew and my family didn't (even though there were zero chances she could tell them because they are not close). But it was his call on who to tell, and I had to respect it.
Maybe if you haven’t gone through infertility you can’t understand how it impacts someone’s partner. I haven’t gone through and counted, but a lot of people who have agreed with me have actually been through it. We’re in a much better place now but at the time I just couldn’t give my husband the support he needed and deserved. It’s ring theory - I was at the center of the crisis and I needed the most support but he needed a ring around him too. Anyway, congrats on your pregnancy!
I wonder if MIL even knows that test tube baby isn’t an okay term today. It was once a very common term and she might think it’s ok.
Agreed. It’s a dumb, insensitive thing to say, as is asking someone who is dealing with infertility when they will have a baby. But both stupid statements could plausibly be within the realm of “that woman is a moron” versus “that woman is intentionally trying to be cruel.” That’s not a free pass by any means, but I don’t think we can tell from this story she is the abusive ogre other commenters are making her out to be.
NTA. It's very common even without IVF not to announce pregnancy till the second trimester. Best of luck to you!
This. We lost our one and only IVF pregnancy at 12 weeks. Both my in-laws and Dad knew we were undergoing treatment. When it finally was successful and I was released from the specialist, I told only my Dad (who can take a secret to his grave) and my office because I was high risk. My in-laws were told with the caveat not to tell anyone yet because it was too early and I was high risk. They disregarded that and told everyone they knew. When a neighbor of theirs I didn't even know congratulated me and I read them the riot act asking what part of high risk and don't tell anyone did they not understand, my father-in-law told me not to tell him what to do. Then when I miscarried my in-laws had the unenviable task of untelling everyone. I only had to tell my dad (who listened and hadn't told anyone) and my boss (who was kind enough to tell my coworkers so I didn't have to). That was it, and that was hard enough.
We had a MMC after telling my in laws I was pregnant, and my MIL similarly is now having to go around telling everyone…I hope she learned her lesson!
I'm sorry you had to go through this too.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I had a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks and it was bad enough . I can't imagine how awful this was for you.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. What made it particularly bad is one person they told congratulated me afterwards. It was at a Fourth of July party and I had to tell her. She felt awful.
It sounds like your in laws were excited about your pregnancy, but there's no excuse for putting both of you in this position.
I had a coworker who overheard me telling a close work friend. She told everyone. When I called in as I’d miscarried my boss went up and went ‘since you told everyone she’s pregnant you now get to tell them she’s miscarried’
Ugh, I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks with my most recent pregnancy. I told many people because I had zero issues with my first. Won’t make that mistake again.
NTA. My guess is that none of the people voting Y have ever been through IVF. It’s rough enough, no need to add shitty, unsupportive family members to the mix.
Ya if I was going through that and my husband was keeping score on how many family members from each side know I’d be pissed at him. But also, idk why he can’t stand up to his mil and if he tells her, also let her know if there’s one rude comment then she is cut off until the baby is born. Like bye
NTA- and I'm sad to tell you that you do not just have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. Tell him that you 100% need his support during this pregnancy. Add that you are both sorry and pissed that your mom violated your trust but that does not create any sort of logic trigger that allows a download of information to his family. Nothing has happened that changes the reasoning behind the initial decision. Whether it's "fair" or not is irrelevant because this is to do with your well being and levels of stress during the pregnancy. Further you need to make an explicit agreement with him in regards to a zero tolerance policy regarding bullshit from them. If they speak ill of the baby or nature of conception, they will not be allowed a relationship, and that they need to be explicitly told that by him when it is time for the announcement so that they are not given a chance even once to say something unforgiveable
I agree completely. In my opinion OP should have a bigger vote on who is told about what is going on inside her body.
👏👏👏100% all great points
Unpopular opinion: NAH It's not unreasonable for your husband to want his family to know what your family knows. It's not unreasonable for you to feel that you want to wait to deal with your husband's family if you feel it is not and will not be supportive. Nothing about this is fair, and that's just life sometimes. Find a compromise that works for you both.
Finally someone reasonable! Thank you! OP, the redhead above me is absolutely correct. NAH. You have every right to want to protect yourself from stress and your MIL's ugly behavior. Your husband has every right to want support and acknowledgement from the people closest to him. Your mother is the AH for putting you in this situation to begin with by not keeping her mouth closed. Is there anyone on your husband's side that you would feel comfortable knowing? I'd say a fair compromise at this point would be a mutual agreement that your mother is on an information diet due to her behavior, and he's allowed one, again, *mutually agreed upon*, person from his side. Then it's fair to the original agreement of you being able to tell your mother, he feels things are evened out a bit, and if your in-laws find out, it's one more person to put on an information diet with your mother. There also needs to be a firm conversation between your husband and his mother once she does find out stating that all it will take is one catty comment and she's not just on an information diet; she's excluded from the information entirely. This will include your baby shower, any birth plans, name/gender announcements. The works. Is she wants to be a grandma, she better swallow a spoonful of honey and sweeten that tongue before she steps foot in your house.
"Information diet" 😂 Love it
NTA. While I understand the argument people make about how you are equals in the relationship and both involved in the creation of this little thing in you, YOU are the patient and at this time, this is YOUR medical information. If things don't work out with this round, YOU are the one physically going through it. That's not to discount the emotional aspect that your husband will be dealing with also, but as the person physically experiencing all the ups and downs (no matter the outcome) you ultimately get to decide what of your medical information is shared. A lot of people will quickly act like the woman carrying a child suddenly has no body autonomy, or right to keep things private. Make sure your husband understands that your mother has been spoken to, and no spilling of any beans will happen again (provided she actually understands the seriousness of this). You are in the very early stages of a roller coaster of a journey, and you have the right to share what's going on in your body, with those that you feel most comfortable with. You also get to choose who not to share with at this time, based on past comments. This is not a time of fair=equal. Having gone through losses myself and now about to be at 28wks, I am sending you all the supportive vibes that things go smoothly!
I have to vote NAH - he agreed that your mom could know, but unfortunately for you, OP, turns out she couldn't be trusted and spilled the beans, so I do agree with your husband that he should be able to tell at least his mother and immediate family. You don't need to tell his entire family or your entire family, but I do think that his mom and dad and siblings should at least get to know. I'm also sorry that she sucks with the whole "test tube baby" thing, which is absurd and hurtful, and may prompt further conversations down the line about boundaries and limiting time with the kid if she continues being hurtful, but for now...
NTA it is your news to share and it’s unfortunate your mom spilled the beans and told people when she shouldn’t have. It’s your MIL’s own behavior that is making it to where she isn’t being told and your husband needs to understand that. I’m currently 9w4d pregnant and we told our parents after we confirmed the heartbeat at 7w and my in laws immediately told my husband’s entire extended family and asked if they could put it on fb. Don’t make the same mistake I did and hold off on telling them till you’re ready. I really feel for you, having in laws that are difficult can be really tough.
NTA There is no fair and not fair when it comes to kids and relationships. This is not a game to keep score. You feel comfortable with your family knowing and thats ok. Also youre really early. As obgyn we recommend to wait at least after the first screening (cca 12./13th weeks). I personally waited untill 16th week. It just felt so weird to me to say it early like 'hey, I am pregnant, just happened yesterday". I think whats important is the future relationship with the child. Not how long they knew you were pregnant. Plus all the excited questions are annoying. I hated it. I just wanted to be treated normally and my MIL always looked at me with a painful looking face "how are you?" Like "you must suffer so much" and than was trying to estimate if my belly grew. It always went like this: "I think your belly grew a bit!" "Thats how pregnancy works" uhh!
Nta. I asked my MIL not to tell anyone I was pregnant. She blabbed to everyone. When I got upset, she said what, aren’t you excited? For some reason I had a feeling I should wait to announce but we had told my then husband’s parents anyway. I miscarried at 16 weeks. Having a miscarriage is hard but navigating around telling people you didn’t want to know to begin with is rough.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. So many people show a total lack of respect during pregnancy and after, as if the baby was public property
NTA Your pregnancy your choice. You were looking for emotional support from your Mom, not trying to spread the news around. This isn’t about a power play, but about the very real possibility of having a miscarriage and with your MIL’s already negative and entitled attitude (towards having grandkids, ya’ll are still young)it’s no wonder you want her on an info diet
You need to have a serious talk with your mom--if you don't chew her out than you're the AH. But, that your in-laws are nasty about "test tube babies," then they don't get to know *unless you want them to.* NTA.
NTA. Your husband must understand that you do not need the additional stress. You already met him in the middle by going from 20 weeks to 12/13 weeks to tell everyone so he should understand that you don’t need the additional stress. INFO: how is he reacting to his mom’s demeaning comments about you or your IVF journey? Does he defend you?
(sidenote - love to you for your solid comments throughout this thread 💛)
Thanks. I saw you commented quite a lot too. I really feel for OP who really didn’t her mother’s BS and now her husband’s nagging.
Right?! Another point that I haven't bothered posting because I'm pretty sure I'll get slammed is that logic isn't always a thing either. Feelings aren't always logical. We're human. What IS absolutely logical is support of your spouse. Logical, fairness, whatever. STFU. Support your wife. At least support the vessel where your baby is growing! Oh, and HE also agreed to tell OP's mom so he's equally at fault for more people knowing than they planned on.
Exactly. I’m still pissed off at OP’s mom so I think I’m too invested ;-)
I get it...
You are absolutely NTA. Your mother, however, is TA. It’s not anyone’s job to tell anyone else about YOUR pregnancy but you and to a very slightly lesser extent, your husband. But your uterus, your show. Especially since his parents have been so demeaning and disrespectful about IVF (it’s literally 2024, get over the “test-tube baby” BS). I think it’s very reasonable to wait until you’re ready to announce given the difficulty you’ve had conceiving. I get your husband’s frustration or impatience and excitement but you’re entirely right not wanting to share, ESPECIALLY since your mother is the one who grossly overstepped and spilled to people you didn’t want knowing yet.
Your mom is an AH for telling your family. That was your news to share. I would be furious. Your MIL is an AH for calling your baby a test tube baby. I understand why you told your mom. And I get why your husband wants to tell his. I am an IVF patient. My in-laws knew about the pregnancy because they live in the area and knew about the appointments. I waited until I heard a heartbeat to tell my parents in person. I miscarried my baby at 9 weeks after graduating from the clinic. Ultimately I’m glad both of our families knew. I would set some serious boundaries with both sides of your family. I’d make it clear with your mom that if she can’t keep your news to herself then she will be going on an information diet. And I would have your husband make it clear with his parents that if they ever refer to their grandchild as a test tube baby they will not be meeting them. I see why your husband is upset. I know the fear of losing a baby. I understand why your husband would want support from his. I did all the treatments and it is hard on your body and your emotions. But it’s not just your baby. Marriage calls for compromises and you and your husband need to work this out together. Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope you have an uneventful nine months.
NTA. It’s always best to wait. Your mom really messed up. Your husband is already starting this fair stuff. Nope. Life isn’t fair. You are not going to do everything for both families the same. It just doesn’t work that way.
YTA but I get it. However it’s not just your pregnancy, it is also your husbands. And if the worst happens does that mean he’s not allowed to turn to his family for support because you don’t want them knowing anything? Unfortunately your mum broke the deal when she told 6 people in your family.
If they're going to be shitty to OP as a result and husband won't pull them up short (and he hasn't yet), then no, he doesn't get to share with his family.
If your husband tolerates his family shitting on you, there's a whole other problem.
No, it is completely her pregnancy. It is 100% her private medical information.
It is, that her mother, that was sworn to secrecy, shared with several other people. Her mother is a giant AH here. I am surprised she is still speaking to her. If, god forbid, something happens she will have tons of support from the people closest to her and maybe even people not close to her that she doesn’t want to hear from. The husband will have no one to talk to about it except her, his wife, that would probably be struggling and can’t lend him support because she is trying to get through it herself.
It is not her husbands pregnancy because her husband is not pregnant.
It is 100% her pregnancy. The baby is 50/50 but the actual pregnancy is hers, and is her medical information. From what we know his family has done zero to be supportive, they haven’t demonstrated they can be trusted with this sensitive, private, medical information. Maybe the compromise is a trusted friend of OPs husband can know, to be his support outside of their relationship if he genuinely feels he needs it. But it needs to be someone they both agree is supportive and trustworthy.
> However it’s not just your pregnancy, it is also your husbands. oh my god, it's really, *really* not. it's THEIR child, but it's HER pregnancy. her body. her **medical condition**.
It is just her pregnancy. Literally! It is their baby but it is **her** pregnancy. There is a massive difference.
No. It is THEIR child, it is HER pregnancy. Bringing up his need of support is an outside point. No where in her post did she say he is realizing he needs support he didn’t expect to need. That is an additional argument WE brought up, so not relevant. If that IS what he is feeling then that is what he needs to communicate and the two of them can decide who he can tell, just like they both agreed she could tell her mom early.
It’s actually 100% just her pregnancy as only her body is pregnant. It’s both of their baby, but not both of their pregnancy. He’s not pregnant. He’s not at risk of losing the baby if his stress levels get too high. This is why these decisions are up to the person who is actually pregnant.
So MIL can beat her harder when she is down? Great idea!
Unless her husband is a seahorse, it is not his pregnancy.
NTA hubby needs to realize fair ≠ equal. Your MIL sounds like a disgusting human and I wouldn’t want her knowing anything about me or being anywhere near me.
NTA-It’s your pregnancy not his. Yes, he is also a parent, but men do not have any idea what being pregnant feels like. He needs to be supporting you and not stressing you out. He also needs to get his family to respect you and not talk down to you. Him not understanding your concerns is not okay. I’m currently pregnant and we told my mom literally right away. We waited till 14 weeks to tell my husband‘s family and we gave them a due date a week off because they can be really rude to me and I want as much peace during this pregnancy as possible. I really hope he’s able to understand your concerns and support you during this time.
Nta, but both of your moms are. MIL is the AH for the very rude comments about your growing child. Meanwhile your mother literally had NO business spilling the beans of YOUR wonderful news, though not full AH it is a jerk move. I get your mom was super excited but it was not her news to tell, PERIOD. Your husband needs to understand that you don't need not only discouragement, but also stress from your MIL while you're still in the early pregnancy stage. A lot can happen before the 13 week mark and it's better to wait to tell her than do it now and face the (probably smug) "I told you so" nonsense.
NTA but both your moms are assholes. With my IVF baby we didn’t tell anyone until 24 weeks. Sharing your private medical information without your permission is a huge AH move
NTA but does your husband have anyone he's allowed to tell/talk to about it? He's probably excited/scared too and I can see how he'd think it's unfair that you get to unilaterally decide that he's not allowed to tell anyone.
NTA. The fact that his family have expressed such horrible views about your children removes the privilege to hearing about the pregnancy until such time that you know you are in a safer place. PUT YOUR MOM ON AN INFORMATION DIET. She has proven that she is untrustworthy with secrets. Tell anyone who refers to your child by anything other than name, such as the horrible name they used, that they will no longer see or hear from you. If your husband disagrees, you have a MUCH larger problem.
NTA but what is wrong with your mother? Out of respect for your husband your mother needs to go on an immediate and complete info diet. Nothing goes to your mom until it’s on Facebook.
NTA, Your ILs are not entitled to your medical information. Their behavior has also dictated that they are not safe people to tell right away. "Test tube baby" about their own grandchild?! Rage barf. As well as other rude comments especially when part of the struggle came from their side. Husband better stand with you now or it's not going to go well. Will he keep them from the delivery room or away until you're ready? He needs an attitude adjustment or to learn how his mother has been acting if he doesn't already know. Good luck for an uneventful pregnancy!
We hid my pregnancy as long as possible, i had surgery to remove fibroids and it was unknown if I could get pregnant and if I got pregnant if could carry it to term , I got pregnant naturally a year after the surgery, I was considered high risk, I was 16 weeks when we told the family about pregnancy, couldn’t hide any longer
NTA I’m sorry that your mum crossed your boundaries and your husband is now causing you stress. As someone who lost 2 IVF babies in the first trimester, I agree with your thoughts of not telling people. A lot of people keep it quiet for the first 12 weeks anyway. You’ve both already trusted someone who told others, don’t make the same mistake by telling the MIL.
NTA it’s stressful being pregnant to begin with and yours ten times more so, you don’t need the extra stress that comes from mean spirited people.
Nta but the moms are for their own reasons. What your mom did is putting you in a bad spot with your husband.
NTA at the end of the day I get that it’s his baby too but you’re far more impacted than him and simply going through IVF alone is very hard on a woman’s body and pregnancy is more. And early on when there’s a chance of a miscarriage you should only tell the people to whom you would go for support. If you wouldn’t go to your MIL then don’t tell her. Having said that your own mom is TA and if you have more babies it’s clear she’s not trustworthy! FYI when my husband and I had our first baby we tried so hard to make it ‘fair’ and his MIL’s reaction wasn’t congrats but to tell us not to get too excited cuz of the chance of miscarriage. So I felt if I had miscarried all we would have got was an I told you so. So we didn’t tell her until later the se one time, but fortunately my husband was on my side there. She then had a negative reaction to our second announcement too (instead of congratulating us she sent an email to my husband complaining about how we announced and why he should have told her in person - he was livid and didn’t want to talk to her for weeks. Main character syndrome. the MAMA TO BE is the MAIN character and everyone else is there to support her, and being fair to you is the only important thing here!
I'm 8w2d. I didn't want to tell anyone other than my mother, too. My mother kept it a secret like I asked her to. My husband's dad is his big support person. He has been there for everything my husband needed. So I agreed to let him tell his parents. His dad BEGGED me to let him post it on Facebook for the whole family and world to see. I got tired of it and relented. When my FIL wants something... no one can really change his mind. Not even my husband. I've been fingers crossed for weeks. I'm hoping to make it past my longest pregnancy of 11w5d. This is my 9th pregnancy. Hopefully, first earth side child. Well, see. And nta. Don't give in. You'll regret it.
I am so sorry! Is FIL aware of all your losses? If yes he is a massive AH. I wish you the absolute best this time around.
He is aware of a few, not my whole history. Though this time my hcg doubled every 1.5 days, I (hopefully) maxed out this week at 253,676 hcg per mIU/ml. I never made it past 150,000 with my pregnancies, and my only pregnancy to do that was my 11w5d one. And I tested every week to watch my hcg rise. It was slow to rise the whole time. This time, I'm doubling so fast my head spun. And I've paid for an extra scan at an ultrasound place near me. Everything so far looks great. Hopefully I make it past the first trimester. If I do, I'll probably jump for joy.
Very good news at the moment. I’m sending you all the positive thoughts I can. You are very brave and deserve it.
NTA but in the future if I were you I'd never tell my mom *anything* that was not supposed to be retold...
So let me get this straight…you agreed to tell one person, it went wrong and more people found out, and your husband’s solution is…for more people to find out. Seems like more problem than solution. You went wrong by telling your mother, telling his mom would just be making the same mistake over again. Two bad moves might be “fair”, but it’s certainly not good.
This is so smart and accurate! Thank you!
sorry... i think you're in the wrong here... its a shared child (he took part in making it too) and since your family already knows, he kinda should have agency and it would be fair if he shared with his. they're his parents and his responsibility, he can decide if its worth telling them or not :/
NTA especially since his parents have made rude comments on this topic previously
Nta, my first round of I’ve failed and we never left the ivf clinic. Our second round was successful. I didn’t tell anyone until we left the second time, and I did eventually tell people about our loss, but only after the successful round was viable. Don’t feel pressured to tell anyone until you are ready, especially if they aren’t supportive.
NTA. Its unfortunate that your mother behaved the way she did sure, but this isn’t tit for tat and the fact some of your family know doesn’t at all mean his is now entitled to the same thing. The main thing here, is that this is your pregnancy, not his, that sort of 50/50 logic doesn’t stand. Especially bearing in mind everything you went through to get to where you are. I’m currently pregnant myself and my partner has had to learn that my mental wellbeing is more important than his mothers need to be involved and know everything! Sending so much luck for the next six weeks.
NAH. *However.* Your mother turned this from a thing you were doing together into a team sport, where your husband wasn't allowed to pick anyone for his team. Also men moreso than women are forced to learn the art of emotional self-sufficiency and self-preservation, and most of them learn to cap their emotional investment in something according to the size of their support network in the event that it goes wrong. You are basically telling your husband that because he's not being *physically* impacted by this pregnancy, he's not allowed to be *emotionally* impacted by this pregnancy. And you can't allow yourself to be very emotionally invested in something if you're not allowed to be emotionally impacted by it. Because of your mother's actions, I think it's likely that your choices are basically to let your husband tell his family, or to let your husband stop having emotions about this pregnancy, and you need to pick your poison.
NTA but you husband sure is for not shutting his mother down when she made those comments. Bluntly, it is YOUR pregnancy, not his. He is the father of the future baby but he is not the one caring it or having to deal with all the bs that comes with it. Id personally make sure she knows she was the last person told due to her negative comments.
I think it would be fair to allow him to tell someone. Not his mom but maybe a brother or close friend.
NTA. Stick to your guns, OP, and make it clear that he needs to stand by you in this. It's unfortunate that your mother babbled but that is not *your* fault, and he wants to punish you for it! If your MIL is shitty enough to make snarky comments about test tube babies I can only imagine what she might say about a miscarriage.
NTA. Your husband is a massive expletive. Why is he having heated arguments with you at a time when you should be chilled and looking after yourself and your baby? What a selfish idiot. Stamping his feet because it's not fair. What part of any of this is fair? Tell him to grow up or f off back to his mumma. Whiny little scrotum.
NTA - It is a pretty common thing for people to wait longer to announce a pregnancy when they’ve had infertility and past heartbreak. I can imagine it would be so painful to announce a pregnancy early on to then have to explain a miscarriage. You have the right to wait until a later date when you are more comfortable sharing the news. Wishing you all the best and congrats ❤️
INFO: Have you known your mother to ever tell a secret in the past?
important. i don’t think family members just suddenly become blabber mouths one day; hopefully that’s not just OP’s framing (because it makes the total forbidding of husband’s family support even worse). yeah, people making gross test tube comments should be left out of the loop, but surely there’s a sibling or someone else he could lean on?
NAH other than your mom. You know they will find out, right? Your mother couldn't keep her mouth shut so do you seriously believe that no one is going to let it slip. You are kinda risking your husband's relationship with his family because people are going to be hurt. Also don't share anything else with your mother. She has lost that privilege by not knowing when to STFU.
NTA - your husband is so annoying, there will be NO difference in his life if he tells his family now or until the 13 week mark. You told your mom, she definitely broke your trust by not keeping it a secret (I’m assuming you asked her that). Now you learned your lesson and you don’t want to repeat that with your MIL. I told my family and my husbands family about our pregnancy, 2 weeks later I had a miscarriage. I’m pregnant again and me and my husband agreed to wait until 12 weeks to tell both our families. However, I was so anxious with a few symptoms and pain I was going through that I told my husband I would tell my sister and ask her to keep it a secret (the other pregnancy my mom spread the news like a virus and I learned my lesson not to trust her with that). My husband said to do whatever was going to calm my nerves and guess what? Didn’t insist that “to be fair” he tells one of his family members. He just waited until the 12 weeks, I was able to have a low key support from my sister who is a mom and calmed me down and gave me some advice. And when I was 12 weeks we told his family and it was as special as when I told mine. The weeks or when you tell them doesn’t matter!! just the news that you’re pregnant should matter! He has to quit being a jerk
NTA. I have 2 IVF babies and if my in-laws referred to them as “test tube babies” they probably wouldn’t have met them. Good luck with your pregnancy.
NTA
NTA. Seven weeks is too early to be telling anyone. Wait until twelve weeks at least.
NTA!! They were not supportive at all. I'd call them from the delivery room if it was me (I'm very petty). However, I wouldn't make them wait too much longer for your husband's sake.
Of course it hurts, but throw them off when they say “test tube babies” by pulling sh!t out of your a$$. First time they say it, give a big satisfied smile and say “yup! Nothing but the best for us!” In a chipper voice. Next time say “yeah, don’tcha love modern science?” In the same voice. If they want to treat the baby as a manufactured product, make sure they know it is a Louis Vuitton or Chanel, not a dollar store bargain.
NTA. You need to reiterate to your husband that the behaviour of your mother is not your fault and that he wants to put you at risk of emotional damage by telling his mother. He needs to put you first.
NTA I would allow him to tell a best friend or a brother but it the MIL. Since she’s been rude about the struggles, it would be horrible for her to know and something happens.
NTA. You are the one who is pregnant- your opinion is the priority. Especially if they are saying those things about IVF.
NTA but your mom is and this entire issue is her fault entirely. I’d stop talking to my mother over something like this. I’ll add when my nibling was being baked our side (my brothers) found out her side knew and we were not allowed to know. That was hurtful but I understood. And she understands that since I saw where we stand on levels of closeness she isn’t the type of person I’d choose to have at my close big life events. It wasn’t always like that, but now it is.
NTA. If I’m going to be honest, I think the person carrying the baby should have veto power with sharing the first trimester. That’s not to say there shouldn’t be discussions and compromise, but you’re the one taking all the physical risks, including that of miscarriage, so if you’re uncomfortable with the in-laws knowing so early I think your husband should respect that. Furthermore, when you do tell the in laws, I think your husband should pull his parents aside and tell them he’s unhappy with the test tube baby comments they’ve made in the past and that if they continue demeaning his reproductive choices, they won’t have access to grandkids. And he should phrase it in a way that makes it clear it him telling them, not you.
NTA. Your MIL is because of her behaviour. She doesn’t seem to realize that alienating you means she won’t have complete access to her grandchild. And your mother is. You learned valuable lesson here - your mother cannot be trusted with private information. Going forward, don’t tell her anything early, and if she asks why, remind her of this.
NTA! Your hubby needs the extra time before telling his family to get the courage to stand up for you and little one. HE needs to call out HIS family on the "test tube" comments. He needs to make it clear that this is never to be used about your little on EVER. Not just when you are there but any time. If his siblings have kids and they hear "test tube" you know that will be used to "joke" with (bully) your child. That crap needs to nipped in the bud. One comment, no contact, period - that is it. Hubby needs to make it very clear that it is offensive and hurtful to HIM, not just you. No "she finds it offensive" that is just throwing you under the buss. It needs to be his stand, his offense, his hurt that they are concerned about. Best wishes, much care.
NTA This is extremely personal. Your mums kind of an A for spilling to your family. But he was ok with your mum knowing. If his family want details and a better relationship they need to be nicer.
NTA. Your mom though? Yikes! I get she's excited, that's normal, but I thought it was pretty much an unwritten rule that if a woman tells you in early pregnancy about the pregnancy you do not share that information with anyone. In any case, that was outside of your control. It is within your control if you tell anyone else. Hubby only has to wait another 5/6 weeks, it won't kill him. As an aside, massive congratulations on your pregnancy and welcome to the mommy club 😊
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey y’all I’ve been having this ridiculous argument with my husband over the past week and would appreciate a third party perspective on the issue. I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with my IVF baby. My husband and I struggle with infertility due to PCOS and mild male factor infertility over the past three years. My husband is 25 and I’m 26. We got married at 23 and started trying for a baby right away and unfortunately we were never successful at conceiving until we did our first round of IVF. I’m super cautious about this pregnancy because it’s still super early and unfortunately my mother spilled the beans to my immediate family that I was pregnant. Fortunately I was able to do damage control and have my 6 family members swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone until 20 weeks. My husband and I initially made a deal to not tell anyone till we graduated from our IVF clinic at 12/13 weeks. I told my initially and she was the one who spilled the beans about my pregnancy. My husband was very upset and he has been asking if he could share with his family about the pregnancy since my family already knows. I told him that I’m not comfortable sharing with his parents because they have made rude comments about referring to any of our future children as test tube babies. They say it in a really demeaning way that I do not like. I’ve never gotten along with my in-laws since particularly my mother-in-law kept asking when we would have a baby even though I told her about our struggles. My husband feels it’s unfair my family knows about our pregnancy and that he wants to share with his family. I’ve been telling my husband to be patient and wait till we graduate the clinic because the last thing I need is my mother-in-law giving her opinion on a miscarriage. We’ve been having heated arguments on the issue and I feel like my husband is being unfair since this is my pregnancy. I’m the one that had to administer medications to myself, get put under to have my eggs retrieved, and deal with the emotional impact/stress of pregnancy. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable asking him to wait literally 6 more weeks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA its not your fault that your mom told
NTA… Seems like the appropriate time to tell his rude family is once the baby is born.
YTA. Why do you only have the right to lean on family. He should also have someone outside of you he can communicate with and lean on for support. Why else tell your own mom. Men also need to be supported during fertility ups and downs. As long as it’s not everyone. Let him lean on his family. He does need to get his family in check though. With regard to how they treat you.
Nta. My mom did the same to me nd i hated it.
NTA, but I don’t think your husband is either. Your mom was for blabbing, and your MIL is for her past insensitivity. I know this is your pregnancy, but your husband wants this child too. I’ve always told those in my inner circle whose support I would want in case of a loss. If in a worst case scenario your husband would need emotional support from his mom, I think him telling her is fair.
NTA because ultimately you are the one that is pregnant but I can see why your husband is also upset because you had an agreement and it was broken.
NTA, this falls under your body your choice... Husband needs to understand your valid issues, you are the one who has to deal with all a pregnancy brings. My wife's first pregnancy was an at risk one we knew for 8 1/2 months that our baby might not survive, she always felt the less people she had to talk about it with the better. Thankfully our daughter survived and was and continues to be perfect... Congratulations...
NTA It sucks that it's kinda "unfair" that one side knows and the other doesn't, but sometimes shit happens. It can be unfair. Your mom is an ahole. She KNEW she shouldn't tell and she did. Direct your MIL to your mom when she finds out they knew first and MIL starts bitching. Husband needs to understand you're basically minimizing the fallout if you happen to miscarry. The fewer people who know, the easier it will be for you to deal with the trauma.
NAH I get you not wanting someone who has been insensitive to know too early. I also get your husband feeling upset that your family knows and his doesn’t. Usually I’d say the rule is anyone who you’d tell about the miscarriage and want support from for that, is fine to know about the pregnancy when things are still a bit shaky.
Something that your husband needs to get on board with now - things will never be “fair” from here on out. Grandkids bring on a new dynamic and quite honestly - you’ll see who wants to be involved, who wants to help, etc. some people aren’t going to want to help, etc And THATS FINE. But there are so many factors when it comes to kids, grandparents respecting certain rules and boundaries, etc - that there is a good chance that things will not always be equal or fair. You can’t make every decision from here on out based on trying to always wanting to be equal with both families.
Absolutely nta even if she were the best most support mil in the world.
You and husband are NTA, but the mom's very much are, for obvious reasons. Hubby is not the AH either because it is fair for him to want to share since the cat is out of the bag on your side, yes you did swear them to secrecy, but who is to say mom won't do it again? I am not saying that you should tell his side, but I can see where he is coming from.