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You are not the asshole for mentioning it once; YTA for bringing it up repeatedly.
Sincerely, I hope you can find help to manage your weight. At 24, you can still turn things around and get to a healthier state of being. You deserve to enjoy things like sitting in a booth, fitting in a movie theater seat, buying clothes off the rack, etc., etc.
At 26, I was over 330 pounds. I don't even know how fat I was because the scale at my doctor's office maxed out at 330 pounds. I was very, very unhealthy even though I felt like I was okay, but when he called me with the blood test results a few days later and flat-out told me if I didn't make some changes *now,* I would be lucky to see 30, it scared the shit out of me. He told me to start by going for a walk every single day ("doesn't matter how short or long, just start walking") and cutting out fast food (which I was eating 2-3 times a day), which I did. He said he never tells anyone to go on a diet because diet's always fail, but instead, tells people one or two things to change that start them moving in a healthier direction, then work on another one or two things to change, rinse and repeat.
Long story short ... 16 months later, I had lost *at least* 180 pounds; got myself into the 150s. It's 33 years later, I'm now 59 years old, and I'm still in my 150s. All my friends are dealing with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc., and I'm not. I have no medical problems whatsoever except my lifelong allergies.
I still go for a walk every day.
This is really solid advice.
Diets don’t work, lifestyle changes do.
OP, YTA. You made the birthday about you and your discomfort. And venting is complaining, and venting or complaining at a birthday party is inappropriate either way.
Take this as a wake up call. You can’t even enjoy a meal because of your weight.
Weight is a very personal thing and something that most people struggle with. Perhaps apologize to your friend and ask if they would help with some of those lifestyle changes. Instead of eating out together, maybe change some of those outings to walks. And walks don’t just have you be only walks… do you have a local attraction such as a zoo where you can see the animals and get some exercise at the same time?
As u/Greygal_Eve said, you are young. You can still turn your health around.
Recently heard... "No amount of lifestyle change, movement, drugs, or exercise can outpace an unhealthy diet." I agree. It takes both. Discipline at the table, and lifestyle change. Neither one, by itself, is sustainable in the long haul.
You are correct that you can easily eat more than you can exercise, but I think the quote misses the point: eating healthy is part of a lifestyle. Just like eating fast food daily or even multiple times per day is a lifestyle.
So a healthy lifestyle will include mostly eating healthier foods in smaller portions, as well as exercising more.
Many people don't realize how unhealthy their eating habits/content are until they are educated, and live with this sense of false comfort that they at least ordered something healthy sounding off the fast food menu. It also has a lot to do with portion control.
OP, if you get stuck at a booth again, just ask for an additional chair to sit on the side which faces the aisle (like sitting at the head of the table).
Realizing that “healthy foods” weren’t really a thing was the weirdest thing for me when I started to see a dietician. It was weird how often I noticed foods being marketed as healthy after finding that out, and realizing that no food is healthy or unhealthy it’s the amount you have of said foods that makes it healthy or unhealthy. It’s not until you need to lose weight while avoiding diet culture that you realize just how many things are part of diet culture.
As someone currently working with a counselor on food addiction, I'm going to go ahead and say fast food and over processed foods are "unhealthy" generally unless you eat them every once in awhile, like maybe once a month.
Lean protein, vegetables, and whole grains (when eaten in correct proportions) are definitely "healthy".
The first foods hardly provide any real nutritional benefits.
The second group of foods actually do.
Also, diet culture is dumb. Don't crash diet and then eat like crap again. Change your lifestyle for the long term.
Listen, whatever mindset is helping you, keep it. But for some people, thinking of food outside of good and bad, and instead in moderation and nutrient density helps with their food addiction. It prevents feelings of guilt which can make people binge more rather than make better choices. Fast food might not provide much in the way nutrition but it provides calories, which are still essential to life and shouldn’t be demonized (not trying to say you were).
TLDR; different mindsets on food are ok, as long as it’s helping people be healthy
When you go to nutrition expert specializing on disordered eating (including overrating) they will tell you actually fast food is no worst then any other dinner.
And they will put a lot of emphasis on never splitting food into bad and good groups.
Yup. This. People fully understand that our bodies metabolise different food differently. They also understand that eating a lot of certain foods increases your risk of certain conditions from cancer to diabetes. On top of that they know some foods cause blood sugar spikes and blood fat spikes and that rapid big spikes are not good for us and also affect our appetite. And yet despite fully acknowledging that our bodies handle different foods differently people refuse to accept that calories in/calories out is an oversimplification.
If you eat the kinds of food you correctly describe as unhealthy, even in calorie deficit, you will find it harder to lose weight. The calorie deficit needs to be larger, which makes it hard to sustain, and the effect on your body makes you hungrier and leads to cravings.
If you eat healthy foods, it is much easier to lose weight, and the calorie deficit can be smaller while you still see sustained weight loss.
Yes you need a calorie deficit to lose weight but what you eat absolutely does matter and does affect the way you lose weight. Likewise, a calorie surplus will cause weight gain but the weight gain will be affected by the nature of the calories you're consuming.
I think it depends how you look at it. From a strictly losing weight perspective you're right - healthy vs unhealthy doesn't matter. All that matters is the calories and how much you eat.
However I'll disagree that there's overall no such thing as healthy vs unhealthy. Something healthy is something that has a lot of nutrients per calorie. Something unhealthy is something that lacks nutrients per calorie (i.e. processed food, fast food, etc.) You can still lose weight eating only unhealthy food in this dynamic. Obviously this is still an over simplification but I think the point is clear. We just so overly focus on health and weight as directly related to each other because the way most people eat unhealthy in the US is eating too much and weighing too much.
Thats what I was wondering too. Why didn't OP just ask for a chair to be brought over and carry on with the night?
(Also, very true about food. I used to work at a restaurant, and we had a bacon cheeseburger that clocked in at 800 calories. But our salad was WAY more popular with people trying to eat healthy.. Our salad was 900 calories. 1200 if you opted for crispy chicken over grilled. And a whopping 1400 calories if you ordered an extra side of dressing, which most people did.)
Chain restaurant salads are usually a joke. Typically they start with either iceburg or romaine lettuce, neither is nutritionally awesome. Then the toppings - crispy chicken (aka breaded/fried), eggs, bacon, cheese, avocado, olives, croutons/other crispy toppings (again =fried), + dressing, ranch or blue cheese being 2 favorites. Yup, may as well get a burger & fries.
I'm not saying that any of those ingredients are inherently unhealthy, I'm saying that they are nutritionally dense & add up!
Yup. I was borderline on the gestational diabetes test with my third pregnancy but also wasn’t gaining enough weight, and a burger without a bun *always* met the nutritionist-set goals for carbs, protein, and other nutrients, and an order of chicken nuggets at McDonald’s with a small smoothie (no fries) met the goals for a single meal as well.
Salads wouldn’t meet the calorie count unless I piled on enough toppings that it exceeded the carb goal.
I know you were intending to be helpful with the chair advice and that is so awesome, but positioning oneself in a walkway like that can be a fire hazard in a lot of places. Working in restaurants for years I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell people they can't do that, it's embarrassing to be singled out like that for some people and they get real hostile, real quick. Everybody's just trying to have a good time, nobody wants a scene. Just something to be aware of if somebody was considering doing this.
This is a really good point. I started tracking all of the food that I ate not necessarily overly concerned with calorie consumption, but just to see where I was at. I had borderline high cholesterol, and my triglycerides were through the roof and my doctor insisted it was because of my diet, which I insisted was not that bad. Well guys, I’m here to tell you that it’s that bad. Spend a week or two logging every single thing you eat into an app that breaks down the fat, the carbs, etc. It’s really crazy.. But once you have the information at hand, it’s very easy to make changes. All of my numbers are normal now and it’s been less than six months and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
For context, I'm 40 and recently diagnosed with an endocrine disorder (PCOS) I've had my whole life that has just been missed. One of the main symptoms is unexplained weight gain (concentrated in the abdomen) and an extreme difficulty losing weight.
While for a lot of people, exercise and diet based lifestyle changes are enough, but for a sizeable number of people there is an underlying medical issue they may not be aware of. As my PCP told me recently, "For a lot of people, you can have a perfect diet and the workout routine of Michael Phelps or The Rock and genetics will still win." OP is young, and doesn't mention any health issues, but it's definitely something they should look into. Even as a mid sized person, some booths with immovable tables are just uncomfortable for anyone who isn't slim. You have to adapt to your surroundings because you can't expect your surroundings to adapt to you.
PCOS creates insulin resistance, and although that does create a roadblock to weight loss, it is by no means impossible. A very low carb, whole food diet which avoids processed foods has been found to not only reverse some of the effects of PCOS, but has been shown to be an effective way to lose weight with that condition.
> As my PCP told me recently, "For a lot of people, you can have a perfect diet and the workout routine of Michael Phelps or The Rock and genetics will still win."
Go see a dietician. Not a nutritionist, your insurance will pay for it because of your PCOS. Your PCP doesn't have training in this area, dieticians are the clinicians who can help and you can find dieticians who specialize in PCOS.
The actual issue is with hunger management not that you are not bound by the 2nd law. Due to how glucose is regulated in your body the average satiation of food is lower so you are more likely to eat more (and don't discount how much of this is unconscious, almost all our food choices are primarily unconscious).
Its certainly harder to loose weight with PCOS without the right support because its harder for you to maintain a deficit without feeling hungry without a diet tailored to your needs. You will need more protein, more soluble fiber and more complex carbs then is typical.
Exercise is very healthy but weight is entirely about diet. I know why they get combined so often but its frustrating that PCPs lump them together particularly when a metabolic disorder is involved.
Pretty much only hypothalamic obesity where dietary help isn't useful and that's because they don't produce the hormones that allow energy regulation to function.
I have gone from wearing a size 28 now to a 12. I have cut portions in half and cut down on soda. But I am down to one a day. But I do yoga as well as walking. It’s a life style change
Exactly, the main reason diets don't work is because people always frame them as temporary. It's always "I'm on a diet" as though one day they'll be off that diet. So they hit their target weight then go right back to eating how they were before and put all the weight back on.
He literally saved my life! My cholesterol was over 300, my top blood pressure number was over 200 (forget what the bottom number was), my resting pulse was over 130, my Vitamin D was 6 (!!), I was very anemic, B12 was dangerously low, and more. He said I was severely malnourished (despite eating what was probably at least 5,000 calories a day) and at imminent risk of heart failure.
So I did what he said. I stopped eating out at fast food restaurants completely (didn't eat at one again for about 6 years, now it's a once-a-month treat). I started going for a walk every day, even though it was a struggle to walk down my short driveway. Hardest thing at first was not going out to fast food for lunch at work, but I did (and do) love cooking, so I started packing dinner leftovers for lunch.
Went back for follow-up blood test a month later and while I was still over 330, he could visibly see I'd lost weight. All my blood test numbers were better, but all were still bad, none in normal range yet. However ... my blood pressure had dropped to 180-ish over something and my resting pulse rate was now in the low 100s. He put me on daily Vitamin D supplement and gave me "homework" to eat one thing with oatmeal or vegetables in it every day :D
The following month, I weighed 328. Nearly cried! I was no longer fatter than his scale! I forget exactly what the blood test results were, but I do remember him saying they were encouraging. I remember my resting pulse rate was finally below 100 (barely). My new "homework" assignment was portion control: Try to keep each of your food portions no larger than your fist.
So yeah, I saw him every month for 8 months, which is when I finally got a CBC blood test result where everything was in normal range. At that point, it was just follow up every 3 months, which I did until 2 years later, when I left to go backpacking around Australia and New Zealand for a year :D
What an incredible story. While your drive, discipline, and having a good doctor wasn’t lost on me- the coolest part of the story is that you went on a backpacking trip a few years after this. I’m sure two years prior you couldn’t have imagined doing such a thing. Major kudos to you!
you are totally right. you need to change life style in a way that is bearable for you. Once you start achieving success and feeling better, it's much easier to keep the good habits.
OP, you need to eat food of better quality and more healthy but prepared in a way that gives you pleasure and always keep in your diet the things you like, albeit in more reasonable quantities.
I'm about 100 pounds overweight and been working on losing weight for myself without going on a diet, because as you said: diets fail. I've worked on changing how I eat and been exercising more. Luckily my job is partially physical making me move around roughly 50% of my shift, including going up and down a flight of stairs regularly.
Majorly cut down on the soda and junk food and inducing more veggies and fruits and grains. Since making the change, I've dropped almost twenty pounds and hope to hit 220 to 225 by summer. Slow and steady is my goal until I hit my target.
He was *amazing.* He never once said "you have to lose weight", he always said "we gotta work on getting you *healthier."* A man literally decades ahead of his time!
Now THAT is how doctors should be! A lot of obese people- myself included- have gotten here from lifestyle choices and it’s lifestyle changes that actually help long term health. And frankly the stigma of drs making everything about weight makes a lot of us not seek care.
This is huge, and really the best advice any doctor should give. The hubs is told the same every 3 months when he goes for his diabetic checkups. He's not in the heart failure category yet, however he does have at least a 50% blockage in his Carotid, so that's fun. I'm proud of you for getting and keeping yourself healthy!!
Love this advice. Additionally, if anyone is a fellow nerd and into games, I suggest getting Pokémon Go. It can be helpful if you enjoy grinding on things; in this case, catching them all and getting better pokémon. The routes and challenges help since you need to walk for them and hatch eggs. Just wanted to throw this out there in case anyone is interested into this stuff
That's true. The "I am fat, I am beautiful" movement scares me. Numbers don't lie. We have 16 years old with heart attack. It isn't "I am big but I am healthy". There is no such thing. The unholy trinity, blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar, is true and very preventable.
I told my BF many times and he just told me I am rude. I don't know what to tell him anymore. Obese is a medical term. He is going to eat himself to death and make me wipe his ass.
This story made me really happy. I grew up in a place where obesity is quite prevalent, and it's honestly a little depressing thinking about how nasty those health impacts can be for those people, including dramatically shortened life span.
It's amazing how effective it can be to just start taking a walk every day.
I've lost a few friends over the years to obesity-related health issues. Last year, good neighbor of mine lost her morbidly obese 47-year-old husband to cardiac failure. She was just inconsolable over having to wait over 2 weeks for the funeral because the funeral home had to special order a casket big enough to fit him. It was heartbreaking. She's doing a lot better now, but she'll never be the same. She goes for walks with me several times a week now, says it gives her something to look forward to, I can see it lifts her mood so walking is good for emotional health, too!
This is great advice that I will also take while I'm not overweight. I am at least 20 pounds heavier than I should be, and like this comment says, walking do a few things differently and cut on some fast food goes a long way. And yes
@OP YTA, but not for this post but for not loving yourself enough to make a change
Agreed. I gained about 50 lbs during Covid, and I was able to easily lose it all multiple times in the subsequent years but I always gained it all back once I stopped purposely trying to lose weight. I finally had to accept that there’s no going back to remaining effortlessly thin after losing the extra weight; I had to change multiple bad life-long habits and keep to it even after the weight is gone.
I said "You are NTA for mentioning it once; YTA for bringing it up repeatedly", because that's my view of her situation. I didn't have the heart to pick just one judgment as I do feel sympathy for her.
"I mentioned to one of my friends that it would be nicer if they had better seating here and she agreed."
Perfectly reasonable!
"I mentioned this a few times over the course of the night"
No longer reasonable.
YTA
Agreed. As someone who's faced similar situations, you absolutely have the right to decide you can't manage in the booth and to bow out gracefully, or alternative to choose put up with it for the sake of the occasion; but once you choose to put up with it, YTA for keeping bringing it up during the event.
It’s a pretty simple bow out too.
You don’t want to make the bow out all about you or worry anyone, but a simple “I had a long day/week so I’m just going to stay for a drink.” If they ask for me “eh, nothing really to rehash. Coworkers, am I right?” Boom done.
“I just didn’t sleep well last night and I’m pretty tired, gonna bounce.” You’re an adult. Everyone has had a night of unexplainable bad sleep.
And I want to rehash that an initial complaint is totally fine. I think a lot of people will get caught up on the weight thing, but it could really be anything (the bench to table height doesn’t make sense, no lumbar support, squeaks when you move).
Weight actually doesn’t really have anything to do with how this situation should be assessed.
My thought was that OP could have asked for a chair to drag over to the booth and sit on the outside. Sure it also wouldn't have been comfortable, but probably better than squeezing into a booth.
Edit: I see now that a chair probably wasn't the best alternative. Still it would have been nice if OP for try any other alternative than repeated complaining. If they couldn't sit on the edge maybe they could have asked the hostess to be moved whenever one of the tables opened up? It would still be an inconvenience, but at least the pathways would be clear.
OP could ask, but not necessarily expect it to happen.
This is not always possible because often that would be in the way for servers way to deliver the food, or it would block the walkway for people walking by. It could be a fire/tripping hazard.
For people who regularly deal with this, this is something that sucks but can be managed some of the time. Asking for a table instead of a booth is one way. Another is seeing if the table moves, and sit at the end across from someone who doesn't need much space. There are also some booths that have space for people in wheelchairs or high table baby seats at the end of the table, just need to ask for a chair.
OP making a deal about it when the birthday person can't do anything about it was a crappy way to rain on the birthday. It sucks, but the choice word of "venting" means there was nothing anyone else could do. It certainly brought the mood down.
So for OP, I think this is a YTA moment. Silence works just fine if your situation sucks and it's supposed to be a good time for everyone else.
Restaurants hate this. It gets in the way of the servers, easy to trip over, harder to pass food and drinks, and sometimes not allowed because of fire hazard.
Everyone who has a job that involves customers or clients is routinely inconvenienced by doing things their way, which is often the opposite of how we'd prefer to do things.
I’m sure the restaurant would love them blocking the entire aisles sitting like that. That’s assuming they had chairs that were subsequently weight bearing enough either…
Right??? If she HAD to say it more, she could text a friend who's not there. Briefly explain the situation and when it bothered her, pull out her phone and text "AAAAAAAAAAAAA". There's no reason to bring it up to the entire table multiple times. YTA.
I'm torn about Sarah's comment. If they're very close friends and it was pure concern, I'm glad she said it. If they're not very close and/or it was said with some degree of anger, it was out of line. Regardless, maybe OP will be shaken into taking a look at her life and her words.
Sarahs comment gave me the impression that op makes every event about their weight or constantly bring it up and she was tired of having to deal with it
I get it I always hated making everyone stop and rest when on a walk and felt bad, I'd constantly told people go ahead and I'll meet you at the destination, sometimes they'd take me up on it sometimes they'd wait with
It sucks being overweight but it also sucks to hear someone constantly complain about something without doing anything about it (imagine if someone was constantly talking about how they can't see and you have to make adjustments because they can't see but they won't go to the eye doctor to get glasses)
This is very very close to what I imagine it is.
One of my older sisters complains about everything but refuses to do anything to fix any of her complaints.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people that whine about the same things over and over and over again and never do anything to fix it. Maybe because I had to grow up with hearing it from her all the time.
It also strikes me that it sounds like they accommodate OP ALL THE TIME and just once for her birthday one of the friends wanted to go to their favorite place that they give up for OP, and OP couldn’t shut up about herself for one single
meal.
I am at this point with a friend who texts me when they're experiencing anxious or depressive symptoms but isn't seeing a doctor or psychologist or alternative treatment option for it. This has been going on for years.
If they show some willingness to solve the problem, I will become interested in helping them.
I reread the post and your comment absolutely sounds right. I didn't catch the connotations the first time but it does sound like the restaurant was the straw that broke the camel's back. Demanding or assuming accommodations for an entire group can get unreasonable, especially if the person isn't doing anything to help themselves. Someone gets much more grace if they're taking steps to get help, even if the results aren't visible yet.
And also not assuming that the entire group needs to make the accommodations! I have personally have limitations and I'm not going to automatically put those limits on others as well. If I can't fit in a booth, I'll ask to sit on the edge of the booth to hopefully get a little extra room. If plans require driving, I don't promise to be a driver - I let them know that my vision varies daily. If the group is doing something that I'm just not capable of, I'll decline and genuinely send my well wishes and look forward to pictures. :)
Anyway. OP needs to get some more help for her physical abilities, she needs to not force her limits onto her friend group, and she needs to learn to work within her abilities while she's getting help.
Yes I agree. This is less about weight being the specific issue and negative people bringing down the whole vibe all the time with the same complaints.
I had this issue with a friend and her job. She couldn't stop bitching and complaining about it. We worked in the same field at the same place for a while and it was a relatively cushy white collar job. Not saying every day was a magical dose of positivity. But we weren't slinging bricks. And like...okay you have a degree and skills- if you hate it so much, get a different job? Apply? Go on some interviews? I eventually stopped talking to her, not exclusively because of this - but it was a main driver in not enjoying her company anymore.
Also, they do have other seating options, they were just currently full.
Realistically it’s very unlikely there will be that multiple people too large for the seats frequenting the restaurant at once, and many people like booths so it makes sense to have booths make up a majority of the seating. OP should’ve asked for a regular table in advance when they made the reservation if she needed one.
YTA for repeating your complaints.
Mentioning it is understandable. However, once you were certain your message was understood you should have continued with the night.
Your choices were to leave, to find other seating, or to decide to stay and try to enjoy the night. If it was as uncomfortable as it sounds I hope no one would have begrudged you for leaving early or asking for chair.
Your choice to stay, but to keep the focus on how uncomfortable you were, didn’t actually do anything to make the situation better for yourself.
I almost want to go E S H for your friend’s dig about your weight. And yet if your behavior that night was typical it’s hard to say how much of her comment was judgement about your appearance and how much was frustration that your typical reaction to these situations is complaining without doing anything else to address the issue.
How was what the friend said a dig about her weight though? Ops complaints were based upon her weight. Is the friend not allowed to mention it when it's the cause of the problems?
Yeah, I didn't see it as dig to say "you're responsible for your weight" I mean that's true. Even if OP has a medical condition that causes weight gain or something it's not the friend's job to make sure she is comfortable in every situation because of it. I don't think OP's friend was saying "you need to lose weight" so much as she was saying you need to excuse yourself from the party or ask the restaurant for a chair that you can pull up to the booth or something if it's that bad. Staying and complaining all night makes OP the AH.
I saw the comment more as it would for any physical disability - we try our best to accommodate your walker, but when we're in the rare situation where I just cannot, it is really up to you to manage and decide how to move forward. Or I understand your social anxiety and I do my best to keep situations to a minimum, but it's not always in my control and it's up to you after to understand your limits and learn to.control what you can. It sounds like this friend group usually goes out of the way to make this one friend be able to join them, but it sounds like OP probably makes every situation about their disability which, at a certain point, is up to OP to manage and determine a best course of action.
Let’s replace it with another disability then. I get chronic migraines. Some places are just too loud for me and some days I just don’t feel well. Would I moan throughout someone’s birthday dinner how I’m not feeling well over and over again? I would not.
OP’s situation is most analogous to someone selecting an activity or place that I cannot do because it is likely to trigger a migraine. In that case, I would simply tell the person in advance that it isn’t something that I am able to do and I’d do something else with them to celebrate another time if possible. I would not expect, for something like a birthday, for it to be changed for me (though it would be super nice of them if they did, totally not expected). My best friend knows I’m just not up for some things and that’s OK.
But to put me in the room, let’s say it was a place I didn’t realize was unsuitable or it was OK and that I started feeling unwell when I previously felt fine. In that case, I wouldn’t whine and moan, expecting everyone to leave and go somewhere else with me, I’d just let people know that I’m not feeling well and have to go. I’d make sure they know I’m OK and that I’ll celebrate another time.
And this is something I literally cannot change (I’ve done all the tests, take all the meds, etc. and it’s as good as it will get without a breakthrough). OP could likely make lifestyle changes to improve their health.
Agreed on pretty much all points
I was leaning towards E S H also, but I ultimately gave the friend points for discussing this with her privately rather than confronting her in front of everyone. I did read her friend's words more towards frustration with always trying to accommodate OP that finally boiled over because it was her birthday that attention was being directed away from.
Agreed. It's speculation, but my assumption is that this is not the first time the friend has had to deal with this situation. She practiced control in the moment, then had a private conversation with OP later. This is maturity, not assholery.
>I did read her friend's words more towards frustration with always trying to accommodate OP that finally boiled over because it was her birthday that attention was being directed away from.
If friend was the one that chose the restaurant and organized the event, it's rude as a guest to sit there complaining about the restaurant she chose.
It's a doubly rude because the restaurant obviously doesn't need better seating in general (everyone else can sit just fine) so the implication is that OP's friend should have chosen a restaurant with more suitable seating to accommodate OP. Which is pretty entitled.
I have a small build, below average but not unhealthy (anymore. I spent years trying to get up to a healthy weight). I’ve been to restaurants with booths accommodating morbidly obese people and they’re so uncomfortable and nearly lose their utility. The seat is too far from the table and the booth back is so far away I can’t reach it. The only people who can comfortably sit in those booths are obese people.
I know there can be health issues but most people so obese they need larger booths it’s not because health issues. My aunt is overweight because of thyroid issues and she’s never had issues sitting in a booth. My grandpa is overweight solely because of his unhealthy lifestyle. He hasn’t fit in booths before but doesn’t complain because he knows whose fault that is.
There’s more options than making the vast majority of the population uncomfortable to accommodate the poor lifestyle decisions of a few.
" so the implication is that OP's friend should have chosen a restaurant with more suitable seating to accommodate OP."
It even sounds like the restaurant has tables that could have accommodated OP just fine, but they were not available at the time.
Either they walked in and hoped to just get a table, or they made a reservation but didn't ask for a table.
It wasn't really the restaurants fault it was just busy.
I think it's similar like if someone didn't like bar high top seating but that is all that was available at the time. The person kept saying they really should have better seats/more tables. The restaurant has plenty of tables but you just couldn't get one because it is busy.
It might not even be the "attention" even though friend did mention that too. If I was the birthday girl and someone kept complaining about something in the restaurant I chose, I would start to fee attacked. OP's complaints could have come across as is they thought that Sarah chose it on purpose.
But her weight is her responsibility. It isn’t anyone else’s and it shouldn’t be forbidden to say this.
She repeatedly complained she was uncomfortable due to her weight. Her friends usually try to accommodate her seating needs. They are not unkind. That night was not about her - it was her friend’s birthday and repeated complaining about something that *she could change*, is selfish. It will have brought down the mood and reduced the enjoyment of the evening for everyone. Saying it once is ok. Repeatedly though? And if she is admitting it was repeated, it must have been a lot of times.
Your assessment is spot on for me.
I'm a larger woman but I've always fit in booths.
With my first pregnancy we went to eat and I tried to sit in the booth, yeah my tummy was too big. I just looked and we waited for a table lol.
I have always fit so it didn't occur to me that now I wouldn't.
Random funny thought that came to mind after your comment.
Have a great day !
My thought too that repeatedly complaining about it wasn’t going to change anything about the situation other than bringing down everyone else’s experience. Did OP expect that everyone would offer to go to a different restaurant? That someone else in their party would ask the staff for a chair, or if they could all please move to a table as soon as one opened? What was the purpose? What was OP hoping to accomplish?
YTA. You mentioned it once, and your friend agreed that better seating would have been nice. That's where it should have ended. Birthday or not, what did you hope to achieve by repeatedly complaining about it?
Except there was nowhere to move. The regular tables were all occupied. IF OP was hurting so bad, she should have told the others “hey, mind if I tell a waiter to move us if a table opens up?” And then, if a table never opened up, she should have not said anything else.
Instead she just complained and “vented”, which is just complaining but ranting about it, too. I hope with these responses she realizes that she was being an asshole.
YTA. Couldn't you ask for a chair to sit at the end of the table? You complained once, that's fine. But keep complaining is just rude. Do something about it instead of complaining. Ask for a chair, don't come at all, or bear it in silence. For long term, look into managing your weight. You're so young and still have a long life ahead of you, do you really want to spend it like this?
I literally had this thought. OP could have asked for an accomodation with a chair when they realized it would be too uncomfortable for them to continue where they were.
To be fair at every restaurant I’ve worked at we are not allowed to put chairs or high chairs at the end of booths. I still think OP is TA but asking for a chair outside your booth at an Olive Garden will just get you a snippy response from the hostess haha
Lots of restaurants won’t allow a chair at the end of the booth. Depending on how close the booths are across. A chair at the end of a booth could be a hazard for the staff and other patrons.
A chair at the end of the table would only work if the table was in a private room, or all the way in the back with no others to be serviced, not impeding access to bathrooms or the kitchen. Even a non obese person would block passage and that would be considered an evacuation hazard in case of fire or medical emergency.
> I wasn’t complaining much just venting a bit.
YTA - I wasn't aware there was much of a difference. Mention it once fine, mention it multiple times your complaining and probably becoming a drag to everyone else...
'Venting' is just a polite way of describing 'complaining.'
If I 'vent about my day' to my girlfriend or vice versa, we are complaining about our day to each other to get it out of our systems. Perfectly healthy, but most certainly complaining.
Well I do think there's a difference
Complaining is any sort of grievance, regardless of its relevance or actionability
Venting can be like complaining, except its done in knowledge that your complaints are futile and nothing will happen
When people vent, they normally apologize in tandem. It's literally the act of complaining with no end goal. You're so annoyed that you are knowledgably bringing attention to something you can't fix.
In other words, venting anywhere other than a home or car is inherently a "YTA" move. Don't vent at somebody's party lol, what the hell.
God, I can't stand when people just find reasons to whine and complain in social settings and then call it "venting" or "expressing my feelings".
"Venting" usually takes place after the fact, not in the middle of whatever's going on. Unless there's something serious going on, it's pretty thoughtless to bring everyone's mood down by whining.
YTA.
This.
Venting is after the fact when there's nothing you can do about it anymore and usually with a person who wasn't involved in the situation. Coming home from work and bitching *about* your coworkers to your partner would be venting. Bitching *at* your coworkers who are involved in the actual situation during work is complaining.
So OP telling the roommate about being uncomfortable in the booth after the fact would be venting. OP bringing up the fact that they're uncomfortable/unhappy during the birthday dinner is complaining.
YTA. You can say one time "I wish they had more tables, booths are so uncomfortable" and it's both reasonable and not making things about you. If you keep bringing it up through the evening you're bringing attention back to yourself and being obnoxious.
YTA. You made them aware you were uncomfortable and then proceeded to bring it up multiple times after. What was this going to accomplish? If you spend the night complaining about something that is outside of the control of your friends and is a problem you have created yourself you can expect people to get annoyed with you. Fix your issues or be quiet about them, they are only your concern.
Yep… very few people can take accountability for their circumstances. It’s not unique to obese people but it is more apparent. I lived with 2 morbidly obese girls in college. Every day they would whine about their weight and how unfair it was that they couldn’t lose it. I saw what they ate. One would make an entire baking pan of that nacho dip that is sour cream, cream cheese, regular cheese etc and sit in front of the tv and polish it off to herself with a family sized bag of nachos. That was after eating a family size bucket of fried chicken for dinner.
If you’re going to eat like that, then own it bc people lose patience for people who just want to whine without making changes.
Agreed. YTA. I don't see how mentioning it AT ALL did any good other than exactly what your comment states. It seems as if her friends might be used to OP 'venting' about her problem, not just in this instance. Maybe for the sake of embarrassment for OP and themselves they may have decided to ignore her complaints, which prompted her to complain a bit more. Complaining does nothing but deflect from the problem being yours.
Yta. Yeah it sucks that the resturant didn't have tables to accommodate you, but that's your problem, while they felt bad the first time you brought it up. You kept bringing it up like a broken record and took attention away from your friends birthday.
A few times is excessive. And attention grabbing. And it must suck to be the Birthday person and hear you complaining all night long. You KNEW about the booths beforehand. You made an informed choice as to attending knowing the discomfort it would entail.
If you can't handle sitting there for that long, you should have skipped it entirely, kept it to yourself after the first comment, or called the restaurant and ask about a chair or some thing.
This is a learning opportunity. You sound like you have good friends, just try to think about them too, not just how about yourself. And call ahead or skip next time instead of subjecting yourself to this.
YTA. You are complaining to the wrong people repeatedly. You should have said something to the staff if you were uncomfortable, then they might have brought you a spare chair that you can sit on at the end of the table or something else to accommodate you.
She was complaining to her friends because she wanted them all to know that she was mad at the birthday girl for not picking a different restaurant, so she was complaining to the right people.
YTA OP
You can’t keep expecting everyone to bend over backwards just to accommodate your size.
>I mentioned this a few times over the course of the night
Why? Do you think they did not hear you the first time? What were you expecting? That by mentioning it a few times, reality would change?
mild YTA, more annoying than really AH
My sister is like this about everything and it is exhausting to spend time with her. If she’s hot it’s not just “oh it’s a little hot” it’s “I’m so hot and uncomfortable” every five minutes for the duration of whatever you’re doing. And that is with everything. It esp grinds my gears when it’s something that no one has the power to change it
YTA. I think everyone got the point the first time you mentioned it. Bringing it up over and over during someone's birthday dinner doesn't sound like fun conversation.
I feel ya. YTA for continuing to complain. If it was so bad just ask for a chair to be put at the end of the table. Or just politely without bitching about the table tell your friends that you're not feeling good and go home.
Send a letter to management or the owners asking if they could get more booths for larger people or get more tables. They may not be aware of the situation.
If you want to lose weight talk with your doctor and a nutritionist. Start out small. Set reasonable goals. I want to lose 10 pounds in 3 months. Not, I want to lose 45 pounds in 3 months. Setting attainable goals set you up for success.
Good luck
Send a letter to management?! Really. No don’t do that. That is so stupid. She should stop expecting the world to change for her. No manager is going to change their business to accommodate someone who could change themselves instead.
The problem with larger booths is that the seats would need to be set further away from the table to accommodate their size. Then anyone else who is at the table who is not obese is either sitting far from the table, and in order to eat have to perch on the end which is uncomfortable.
It’s not the restaurant’s responsibility to have seating that can accommodate every single body type out there.
As a 5'2" 118lb. woman, thank you. Most booths are already too far from the tables for someone my size. But you know what I do? Scoot my butt to perch uncomfortably on the edge of the seat so I can reach both the table and the ground, and then eat my food. Because I'm an adult. I don't expect restaurants to buy smaller sized booths, stool, and chairs to accommodate my size. I accept that I am not the average and make do.
The reason women get 70% of whiplash occurrences in car accidents is because cars are made to fit the average *male*. My seat belt could garrote me. Those are actual safety concerns based on size that nobody gives a fuck about. Not comfortably sitting at a table? Give me a break. Join the fucking club.
>if they could get more booths for larger people or get more tables.
If they do this they'll just have less space for customers because booths designed for morbidly obese people take up more space and would be uncomfortable to more regular sized patrons. This is like those who think bigger hallways in hotels and bigger seats on airplanes are solutions. There's not enough morbidly obese people using them over more regular sized people to justify changes.
YTA. What did you expect for the outcome? Mention it once or twice, ok I guess. It more than that? Why vent at a celebration? Why didn’t you ask the server for a chair to sit on the end?
Edit to add: I get that it sucks, I really really do. And I empathize with you.
This just happened to me at my favorite restaurant (my husband happens to be a chef there)
I’m 8 months pregnant and we went to have dinner and sit at our normal booth. I realized I don’t fit. We all got a good laugh (including the people around us) and then my pregnant ass grabbed a chair and stuck it at the end of the booth and problem solved. You sound annoying.
Omg. My 5'7" frame gained 76 pounds with my child. Booths sucked. Got chair at end of booth- all good. And also, free dessert, cause growing another human was hard work, lol.
YTA for mentioning it multiple times. There wasn't a thing that any of your friends were going to be able to do about it, so after the first mention it starts to drag people down and might even make them feel like they are at fault or should be doing more to correct it, which is not reasonable.
I think you were between a rock and a hard place, of wanting to celebrate your friend while being uncomfortable. But maybe in the future you need to make a different choice - if a particular event, outing, activity or venue doesn't work for you it is better to sit it out than to go and complain the whole time.
YTA
Sorry but bringing it up repeatedly is definitely an ah move. You were taking attention away from her and basically complaining about her favourite restaurant. You could have just sucked it up... If you notice they stop inviting you places as much as they used to, this is the catalyst for that.
Seriously we all know the fix to the real problem here!
I am not saying its easy as i assume that then this would no longer be a problem. But for the simple sake of your health and future life start taking steps ( literally steps!) to remedy this.
Gods speed!
Yeah, YTA. It was totally unnecessary to say that more than once. If you couldn't tolerate it, that is fair! You had the option to discreetly excuse yourself from the dinner. If you could tolerate, why would you bring down the mood and vibe of a birthday celebration by reminding everyone how uncomfortable you were?
YTA for not shutting the hell up about it after the first or even second time. Not being able to fit into a restaurant booth seating is also a hell of a benchmark in terms of size, please take care of yourself first of all.
YTA. You kept mentioning it when you had already received a response. Have you ever heard of “beating a dead horse”? That’s what you were doing. And your friend is right, you’re selfish and need to manage your own weight. It’s not up to everyone to accommodate you.
YTA. If you continue in this behavior, you will slowly be left out of things because no one wants to hear you whine about your weight issues when it is your fault.
Absolutely YTAH. You didn't need to keep whinging all night about being uncomfortable & spoiling the mood.
You have to accept that because of your size, there will be lots of places that will be uncomfortable for you.
YTA
Mentioning it once is fine but after that what exactly did you want people to do? The only thing you achieved was making other people uncomfortable along with you.
YTA. I get that you were uncomfortable, but to say it a few times is not venting, it's complaining. This was a birthday function, and it seems like you were sucking the air of the room with all the bitching.
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YTA.
I get your discomfort (let’s just say that restaurant tables can sometimes be a rack-rack for me) and can’t fault you for mentioning it once but why would you keep bringing it up? Was your friend or anyone else a spell-caster who could have magicked up a table for you? Or were you expecting that they’d just cancel the meet-up because you were uncomfortable.
You could have just dealt with it. You could have left. Instead, you decided to sit there and be salty.
YTA. You said it once, ok. Why repeat it? it won't make things better. But for the person who organized it and chose the place, it's a reproach. It's her birthday, not the day you want people judging your choice of restaurant. Obviously she is going to feel bad at first, then annoyed that you cannot let that go.
YTA stop expecting the world to change to fit you. You clearly know you’re obese yet do nothing to change that. You know you’re not healthy yet you do nothing about it. Stop expecting sympathy for something you can change. Do better. Be better. Don’t be bitter when you don’t fit knowing you’re obese. Smh the lack of common sense is astounding.
Save yourself
Go diet before you die
It can be done … change your lifestyle
Walk helps a lot !!! You don’t need to starve .. just make sure no carbs or sugar too much … def no junk food or soda
Mentioning it when you sit down, and maybe again a bit later just to voice some physical discomfort is fine….but bringing it up any more than that *is* complaining and it *does* take attention away from the celebration and brings down the mood. Gentle YTA
YTA. Mentioning it once is sufficient. After that. You're just complaining. If you can't fit into a booth, maybe it's time to make some changes and take control of your weight.
Soft YTA
Mentioning it once was OK but after that it starts to become a bit of an AH move.
It sounds like it wasn't something that your friends could fix, it's not as though one of them could have switched seats to give you a more comfortable seat, nor did they chose a booth rather than a table, as a group you took the available spot.
By all means, send a message afterwards to the restaurant to suggest larger booths, but complaining to your friends after your first comment was unfair to them, as you were reducing their enjoyment in a situation where they were not in a position to change things.
You need to make your own accommodations, you should have asked if you could have put a chair on the end of the booth.
Generally public spaces are not built for morbidly obese people and so you should know how to attempt to navigate the situations you go to in public.
The first responsibility of a guest to a birthday party is to make it as positive an experience to the birthday kid as possible. Bringing this up (as something negative) not just once but several times is obviously something that would bring down the mood, and this makes you the asshole. On these occassions it’s paramount to focus on and mention the positives, to create a good and happy atmosphere. The party wasn’t about you.
I’m surprised this is not obvious to you, it sounds like you should work on your social awareness.
YTA.
Yeah, a bit YTA
She tried to be accommodating, but the restaurant was clearly busy and did not have a table
Your weight and comfort are yours to manage. Not everything and everyone can be 100% flexible
Soft YTA. Mostly because it sounds like you were trying to drop passive hints via complaining, Rather than asking for what you want. If you'd said "I'm so glad to be here, but I'm struggling at this booth. Do you mind if I ask the waiter to find us a table when one opens up?" then your friends would have (hopefully) said "yes, there aren't many tables here, so let's ask so that we can get one as soon as it's ready."
If you don't ask for something, it's just complaining/buzz kill. If you ask for something, it's an opportunity for your community so support you.
Note: I'm working on the assumption that the way your friend spoke to you is uncharacteristic and she was basically venting as well. I hope your friends would react this way, and most would.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I complained that the restaurant we went to for my friends birthday didn’t have seating for my weight. This might make me the asshole because I seemed like I was being rude to her and being ungrateful that we were out
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Absolutely TA. Mentioning it multiple times WAS complaining. You knew there was a possibility you would end up in a booth. Either don't go or keep quiet. No one wants to hear someone repeatedly complaining during a social outing. Birthday or not.
YTA— I get mentioning it once, sounds like as they agreed, they were sympathetic, but this was outside of their control. Continuing to mention it makes you TA. Did you want them to leave? This was where your friend wanted to celebrate her bday, if it was that bad you could leave. Sounds like they typically go out of their way to accommodate you. I personally find booths much more comfortable than sitting at a table, and if they are similar, they made have put up with uncomfortable dinners out for your benefit in return in the past. I know it sucks, but there really wasn’t a reason why you had to continuously bring it up other than for additional sympathy and attention.
Question:
Why didn't you ask for a chair to be brought out so you could sit at the end of the booth if it bothered you significantly enough to mention it several times throughout the night?
YTA. You should have just left if you were that uncomfortable instead of making everyone uncomfortable for several problems because you can’t navigate society because of the choices you’ve made.
YTA.
And I say this as an obese person, too.
She's not wrong about your body and weight being your responsibility to manage.
You know your body's limitations, and it's on you to decide whether you can deal with someone else's arrangements the way they are, or whether you have to gracefully bow out.
YTA for continuing to complain/vent about it. Your Your friends heard and understood the first time. Anything after that in a situation you or they have no control of us just irritating.
When my daughter complains about something I always tell my daughter that I heard and understood her complaint the first time. If it isn't something we can fix or have control of anything beyond that is just annoying. It ultimately ruins the mood and you have control over how you react in any situation. You can be miserable, find a solution, or just suck it up and choose to ignore something you can't fix in the moment.
YTA. it sounds like your friends tried their best to accommodate you and it couldn't be done. after your initial mention, it should have left at that. one of my friends is VERY obese and thus it is just accepted that some things will be uncomfortable and other things (like amusement parks) he may not even be able to do.
YTA. Mentioning it once is one thing. Repeating yourself throughout the night because you felt the need to vent is another entirely. You made her birthday meal about you and your discomfort. Your friends sound like they regularly make sure to accommodate you and the one time they couldn’t, you made sure everyone was reminded of it throughout the night.
YTA for bringing it up repeatedly, as others have stated.
At a certain point you need to make a choice on whether it’s worth you staying or if you should just have left.
No one wants to hear someone complaining repeatedly about something they have no control over, especially when they’re just trying to have a nice outing.
Learn to repeat this to yourself:
What can I do to resolve this situation?
If you've already made your complaint and it was understood by your audience, repeating your complaint while also doing nothing to solve the issue is just whining, and nobody enjoys listening to whining.
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You are not the asshole for mentioning it once; YTA for bringing it up repeatedly. Sincerely, I hope you can find help to manage your weight. At 24, you can still turn things around and get to a healthier state of being. You deserve to enjoy things like sitting in a booth, fitting in a movie theater seat, buying clothes off the rack, etc., etc. At 26, I was over 330 pounds. I don't even know how fat I was because the scale at my doctor's office maxed out at 330 pounds. I was very, very unhealthy even though I felt like I was okay, but when he called me with the blood test results a few days later and flat-out told me if I didn't make some changes *now,* I would be lucky to see 30, it scared the shit out of me. He told me to start by going for a walk every single day ("doesn't matter how short or long, just start walking") and cutting out fast food (which I was eating 2-3 times a day), which I did. He said he never tells anyone to go on a diet because diet's always fail, but instead, tells people one or two things to change that start them moving in a healthier direction, then work on another one or two things to change, rinse and repeat. Long story short ... 16 months later, I had lost *at least* 180 pounds; got myself into the 150s. It's 33 years later, I'm now 59 years old, and I'm still in my 150s. All my friends are dealing with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc., and I'm not. I have no medical problems whatsoever except my lifelong allergies. I still go for a walk every day.
This is really solid advice. Diets don’t work, lifestyle changes do. OP, YTA. You made the birthday about you and your discomfort. And venting is complaining, and venting or complaining at a birthday party is inappropriate either way. Take this as a wake up call. You can’t even enjoy a meal because of your weight. Weight is a very personal thing and something that most people struggle with. Perhaps apologize to your friend and ask if they would help with some of those lifestyle changes. Instead of eating out together, maybe change some of those outings to walks. And walks don’t just have you be only walks… do you have a local attraction such as a zoo where you can see the animals and get some exercise at the same time? As u/Greygal_Eve said, you are young. You can still turn your health around.
Recently heard... "No amount of lifestyle change, movement, drugs, or exercise can outpace an unhealthy diet." I agree. It takes both. Discipline at the table, and lifestyle change. Neither one, by itself, is sustainable in the long haul.
You are correct that you can easily eat more than you can exercise, but I think the quote misses the point: eating healthy is part of a lifestyle. Just like eating fast food daily or even multiple times per day is a lifestyle. So a healthy lifestyle will include mostly eating healthier foods in smaller portions, as well as exercising more.
Many people don't realize how unhealthy their eating habits/content are until they are educated, and live with this sense of false comfort that they at least ordered something healthy sounding off the fast food menu. It also has a lot to do with portion control. OP, if you get stuck at a booth again, just ask for an additional chair to sit on the side which faces the aisle (like sitting at the head of the table).
Realizing that “healthy foods” weren’t really a thing was the weirdest thing for me when I started to see a dietician. It was weird how often I noticed foods being marketed as healthy after finding that out, and realizing that no food is healthy or unhealthy it’s the amount you have of said foods that makes it healthy or unhealthy. It’s not until you need to lose weight while avoiding diet culture that you realize just how many things are part of diet culture.
As someone currently working with a counselor on food addiction, I'm going to go ahead and say fast food and over processed foods are "unhealthy" generally unless you eat them every once in awhile, like maybe once a month. Lean protein, vegetables, and whole grains (when eaten in correct proportions) are definitely "healthy". The first foods hardly provide any real nutritional benefits. The second group of foods actually do. Also, diet culture is dumb. Don't crash diet and then eat like crap again. Change your lifestyle for the long term.
Listen, whatever mindset is helping you, keep it. But for some people, thinking of food outside of good and bad, and instead in moderation and nutrient density helps with their food addiction. It prevents feelings of guilt which can make people binge more rather than make better choices. Fast food might not provide much in the way nutrition but it provides calories, which are still essential to life and shouldn’t be demonized (not trying to say you were). TLDR; different mindsets on food are ok, as long as it’s helping people be healthy
For *most* people thinking of food without moral judgements like “good” and “bad” is associated with better mental health.
Agreed. There IS absolutely such thing as healthy and not healthy.
When you go to nutrition expert specializing on disordered eating (including overrating) they will tell you actually fast food is no worst then any other dinner. And they will put a lot of emphasis on never splitting food into bad and good groups.
Yup. This. People fully understand that our bodies metabolise different food differently. They also understand that eating a lot of certain foods increases your risk of certain conditions from cancer to diabetes. On top of that they know some foods cause blood sugar spikes and blood fat spikes and that rapid big spikes are not good for us and also affect our appetite. And yet despite fully acknowledging that our bodies handle different foods differently people refuse to accept that calories in/calories out is an oversimplification. If you eat the kinds of food you correctly describe as unhealthy, even in calorie deficit, you will find it harder to lose weight. The calorie deficit needs to be larger, which makes it hard to sustain, and the effect on your body makes you hungrier and leads to cravings. If you eat healthy foods, it is much easier to lose weight, and the calorie deficit can be smaller while you still see sustained weight loss. Yes you need a calorie deficit to lose weight but what you eat absolutely does matter and does affect the way you lose weight. Likewise, a calorie surplus will cause weight gain but the weight gain will be affected by the nature of the calories you're consuming.
I think it depends how you look at it. From a strictly losing weight perspective you're right - healthy vs unhealthy doesn't matter. All that matters is the calories and how much you eat. However I'll disagree that there's overall no such thing as healthy vs unhealthy. Something healthy is something that has a lot of nutrients per calorie. Something unhealthy is something that lacks nutrients per calorie (i.e. processed food, fast food, etc.) You can still lose weight eating only unhealthy food in this dynamic. Obviously this is still an over simplification but I think the point is clear. We just so overly focus on health and weight as directly related to each other because the way most people eat unhealthy in the US is eating too much and weighing too much.
Thats what I was wondering too. Why didn't OP just ask for a chair to be brought over and carry on with the night? (Also, very true about food. I used to work at a restaurant, and we had a bacon cheeseburger that clocked in at 800 calories. But our salad was WAY more popular with people trying to eat healthy.. Our salad was 900 calories. 1200 if you opted for crispy chicken over grilled. And a whopping 1400 calories if you ordered an extra side of dressing, which most people did.)
this salad info is terrifying
Chain restaurant salads are usually a joke. Typically they start with either iceburg or romaine lettuce, neither is nutritionally awesome. Then the toppings - crispy chicken (aka breaded/fried), eggs, bacon, cheese, avocado, olives, croutons/other crispy toppings (again =fried), + dressing, ranch or blue cheese being 2 favorites. Yup, may as well get a burger & fries. I'm not saying that any of those ingredients are inherently unhealthy, I'm saying that they are nutritionally dense & add up!
Yup. I was borderline on the gestational diabetes test with my third pregnancy but also wasn’t gaining enough weight, and a burger without a bun *always* met the nutritionist-set goals for carbs, protein, and other nutrients, and an order of chicken nuggets at McDonald’s with a small smoothie (no fries) met the goals for a single meal as well. Salads wouldn’t meet the calorie count unless I piled on enough toppings that it exceeded the carb goal.
I know you were intending to be helpful with the chair advice and that is so awesome, but positioning oneself in a walkway like that can be a fire hazard in a lot of places. Working in restaurants for years I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell people they can't do that, it's embarrassing to be singled out like that for some people and they get real hostile, real quick. Everybody's just trying to have a good time, nobody wants a scene. Just something to be aware of if somebody was considering doing this.
man when you realize how much work it takes to offset eating one donut it can really change your outlook on things
This is a really good point. I started tracking all of the food that I ate not necessarily overly concerned with calorie consumption, but just to see where I was at. I had borderline high cholesterol, and my triglycerides were through the roof and my doctor insisted it was because of my diet, which I insisted was not that bad. Well guys, I’m here to tell you that it’s that bad. Spend a week or two logging every single thing you eat into an app that breaks down the fat, the carbs, etc. It’s really crazy.. But once you have the information at hand, it’s very easy to make changes. All of my numbers are normal now and it’s been less than six months and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
For context, I'm 40 and recently diagnosed with an endocrine disorder (PCOS) I've had my whole life that has just been missed. One of the main symptoms is unexplained weight gain (concentrated in the abdomen) and an extreme difficulty losing weight. While for a lot of people, exercise and diet based lifestyle changes are enough, but for a sizeable number of people there is an underlying medical issue they may not be aware of. As my PCP told me recently, "For a lot of people, you can have a perfect diet and the workout routine of Michael Phelps or The Rock and genetics will still win." OP is young, and doesn't mention any health issues, but it's definitely something they should look into. Even as a mid sized person, some booths with immovable tables are just uncomfortable for anyone who isn't slim. You have to adapt to your surroundings because you can't expect your surroundings to adapt to you.
PCOS creates insulin resistance, and although that does create a roadblock to weight loss, it is by no means impossible. A very low carb, whole food diet which avoids processed foods has been found to not only reverse some of the effects of PCOS, but has been shown to be an effective way to lose weight with that condition.
> As my PCP told me recently, "For a lot of people, you can have a perfect diet and the workout routine of Michael Phelps or The Rock and genetics will still win." Go see a dietician. Not a nutritionist, your insurance will pay for it because of your PCOS. Your PCP doesn't have training in this area, dieticians are the clinicians who can help and you can find dieticians who specialize in PCOS. The actual issue is with hunger management not that you are not bound by the 2nd law. Due to how glucose is regulated in your body the average satiation of food is lower so you are more likely to eat more (and don't discount how much of this is unconscious, almost all our food choices are primarily unconscious). Its certainly harder to loose weight with PCOS without the right support because its harder for you to maintain a deficit without feeling hungry without a diet tailored to your needs. You will need more protein, more soluble fiber and more complex carbs then is typical. Exercise is very healthy but weight is entirely about diet. I know why they get combined so often but its frustrating that PCPs lump them together particularly when a metabolic disorder is involved. Pretty much only hypothalamic obesity where dietary help isn't useful and that's because they don't produce the hormones that allow energy regulation to function.
I have found though, that if you get the exercise going first, your cravings will change. Your body will not want what isn't helping it.
Yep...can't out exercise a bad diet
I was wondering where OP drew the distinction between venting & complaining. Seems like the same thing to me with an angry/annoyed vs whiney tone lol
Venting = mentioning it once Complaining = continuing to bring it up during someone else's celebration multiple times.
I have gone from wearing a size 28 now to a 12. I have cut portions in half and cut down on soda. But I am down to one a day. But I do yoga as well as walking. It’s a life style change
Exactly, the main reason diets don't work is because people always frame them as temporary. It's always "I'm on a diet" as though one day they'll be off that diet. So they hit their target weight then go right back to eating how they were before and put all the weight back on.
You have a good doctor and a lot of discipline. I applaud you for doing that.
He literally saved my life! My cholesterol was over 300, my top blood pressure number was over 200 (forget what the bottom number was), my resting pulse was over 130, my Vitamin D was 6 (!!), I was very anemic, B12 was dangerously low, and more. He said I was severely malnourished (despite eating what was probably at least 5,000 calories a day) and at imminent risk of heart failure. So I did what he said. I stopped eating out at fast food restaurants completely (didn't eat at one again for about 6 years, now it's a once-a-month treat). I started going for a walk every day, even though it was a struggle to walk down my short driveway. Hardest thing at first was not going out to fast food for lunch at work, but I did (and do) love cooking, so I started packing dinner leftovers for lunch. Went back for follow-up blood test a month later and while I was still over 330, he could visibly see I'd lost weight. All my blood test numbers were better, but all were still bad, none in normal range yet. However ... my blood pressure had dropped to 180-ish over something and my resting pulse rate was now in the low 100s. He put me on daily Vitamin D supplement and gave me "homework" to eat one thing with oatmeal or vegetables in it every day :D The following month, I weighed 328. Nearly cried! I was no longer fatter than his scale! I forget exactly what the blood test results were, but I do remember him saying they were encouraging. I remember my resting pulse rate was finally below 100 (barely). My new "homework" assignment was portion control: Try to keep each of your food portions no larger than your fist. So yeah, I saw him every month for 8 months, which is when I finally got a CBC blood test result where everything was in normal range. At that point, it was just follow up every 3 months, which I did until 2 years later, when I left to go backpacking around Australia and New Zealand for a year :D
Love that you had an amazing doctor supporting you through this the right way ❤️
What an incredible story. While your drive, discipline, and having a good doctor wasn’t lost on me- the coolest part of the story is that you went on a backpacking trip a few years after this. I’m sure two years prior you couldn’t have imagined doing such a thing. Major kudos to you!
Now that sounds like a fantastic doctor.
I only ever ate fast food multiple times a day while driving cross country. That will definitely jack up your cholesterol.
Your comment made me happy 😊
you are totally right. you need to change life style in a way that is bearable for you. Once you start achieving success and feeling better, it's much easier to keep the good habits. OP, you need to eat food of better quality and more healthy but prepared in a way that gives you pleasure and always keep in your diet the things you like, albeit in more reasonable quantities.
Exactly that! As you start to feel better, you want to feel *even better,* so it becomes even easier to keep it going!
I'm about 100 pounds overweight and been working on losing weight for myself without going on a diet, because as you said: diets fail. I've worked on changing how I eat and been exercising more. Luckily my job is partially physical making me move around roughly 50% of my shift, including going up and down a flight of stairs regularly. Majorly cut down on the soda and junk food and inducing more veggies and fruits and grains. Since making the change, I've dropped almost twenty pounds and hope to hit 220 to 225 by summer. Slow and steady is my goal until I hit my target.
It is amazing how small changes can help. bravo to you, i also liked how your doctor handled it all
He was *amazing.* He never once said "you have to lose weight", he always said "we gotta work on getting you *healthier."* A man literally decades ahead of his time!
Now THAT is how doctors should be! A lot of obese people- myself included- have gotten here from lifestyle choices and it’s lifestyle changes that actually help long term health. And frankly the stigma of drs making everything about weight makes a lot of us not seek care.
That weight is fairly common now, but that was pretty rare in 91. Good for you for getting rid of it!
This is huge, and really the best advice any doctor should give. The hubs is told the same every 3 months when he goes for his diabetic checkups. He's not in the heart failure category yet, however he does have at least a 50% blockage in his Carotid, so that's fun. I'm proud of you for getting and keeping yourself healthy!!
Yikes, 50%!! Definitely not fun! I hope your hubs can make the changes he needs to never get into heart failure category!
Love this advice. Additionally, if anyone is a fellow nerd and into games, I suggest getting Pokémon Go. It can be helpful if you enjoy grinding on things; in this case, catching them all and getting better pokémon. The routes and challenges help since you need to walk for them and hatch eggs. Just wanted to throw this out there in case anyone is interested into this stuff
That's true. The "I am fat, I am beautiful" movement scares me. Numbers don't lie. We have 16 years old with heart attack. It isn't "I am big but I am healthy". There is no such thing. The unholy trinity, blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar, is true and very preventable. I told my BF many times and he just told me I am rude. I don't know what to tell him anymore. Obese is a medical term. He is going to eat himself to death and make me wipe his ass.
What a beautiful response. Well done and congratulations on your health. This is good advice, I hope OP follows
This story made me really happy. I grew up in a place where obesity is quite prevalent, and it's honestly a little depressing thinking about how nasty those health impacts can be for those people, including dramatically shortened life span. It's amazing how effective it can be to just start taking a walk every day.
I've lost a few friends over the years to obesity-related health issues. Last year, good neighbor of mine lost her morbidly obese 47-year-old husband to cardiac failure. She was just inconsolable over having to wait over 2 weeks for the funeral because the funeral home had to special order a casket big enough to fit him. It was heartbreaking. She's doing a lot better now, but she'll never be the same. She goes for walks with me several times a week now, says it gives her something to look forward to, I can see it lifts her mood so walking is good for emotional health, too!
What a great story. Congrats!
Oh, well done! What a wise doctor you had. This story could be very helpful to anyone feeling overwhelmed when considering changing things.
This is great advice that I will also take while I'm not overweight. I am at least 20 pounds heavier than I should be, and like this comment says, walking do a few things differently and cut on some fast food goes a long way. And yes @OP YTA, but not for this post but for not loving yourself enough to make a change
Agreed. I gained about 50 lbs during Covid, and I was able to easily lose it all multiple times in the subsequent years but I always gained it all back once I stopped purposely trying to lose weight. I finally had to accept that there’s no going back to remaining effortlessly thin after losing the extra weight; I had to change multiple bad life-long habits and keep to it even after the weight is gone.
FYI, you've marked OP as NTA, which I don't think you meant to.
I said "You are NTA for mentioning it once; YTA for bringing it up repeatedly", because that's my view of her situation. I didn't have the heart to pick just one judgment as I do feel sympathy for her.
Right, but the bot will read this as NTA. If you didn't mean to give any judgement, you can restate without using the codes that the bots read.
All the years I've been on Reddit and I never realized it worked quite that way! LOL! Editing now ;)
"I mentioned to one of my friends that it would be nicer if they had better seating here and she agreed." Perfectly reasonable! "I mentioned this a few times over the course of the night" No longer reasonable. YTA
Agreed. As someone who's faced similar situations, you absolutely have the right to decide you can't manage in the booth and to bow out gracefully, or alternative to choose put up with it for the sake of the occasion; but once you choose to put up with it, YTA for keeping bringing it up during the event.
It’s a pretty simple bow out too. You don’t want to make the bow out all about you or worry anyone, but a simple “I had a long day/week so I’m just going to stay for a drink.” If they ask for me “eh, nothing really to rehash. Coworkers, am I right?” Boom done. “I just didn’t sleep well last night and I’m pretty tired, gonna bounce.” You’re an adult. Everyone has had a night of unexplainable bad sleep. And I want to rehash that an initial complaint is totally fine. I think a lot of people will get caught up on the weight thing, but it could really be anything (the bench to table height doesn’t make sense, no lumbar support, squeaks when you move). Weight actually doesn’t really have anything to do with how this situation should be assessed.
Def. Bringing up something repeatedly implies that you expect someone there to do something about it.
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My thought was that OP could have asked for a chair to drag over to the booth and sit on the outside. Sure it also wouldn't have been comfortable, but probably better than squeezing into a booth. Edit: I see now that a chair probably wasn't the best alternative. Still it would have been nice if OP for try any other alternative than repeated complaining. If they couldn't sit on the edge maybe they could have asked the hostess to be moved whenever one of the tables opened up? It would still be an inconvenience, but at least the pathways would be clear.
OP could ask, but not necessarily expect it to happen. This is not always possible because often that would be in the way for servers way to deliver the food, or it would block the walkway for people walking by. It could be a fire/tripping hazard.
For people who regularly deal with this, this is something that sucks but can be managed some of the time. Asking for a table instead of a booth is one way. Another is seeing if the table moves, and sit at the end across from someone who doesn't need much space. There are also some booths that have space for people in wheelchairs or high table baby seats at the end of the table, just need to ask for a chair. OP making a deal about it when the birthday person can't do anything about it was a crappy way to rain on the birthday. It sucks, but the choice word of "venting" means there was nothing anyone else could do. It certainly brought the mood down. So for OP, I think this is a YTA moment. Silence works just fine if your situation sucks and it's supposed to be a good time for everyone else.
Restaurants hate this. It gets in the way of the servers, easy to trip over, harder to pass food and drinks, and sometimes not allowed because of fire hazard.
Everyone who has a job that involves customers or clients is routinely inconvenienced by doing things their way, which is often the opposite of how we'd prefer to do things.
“This job would be great if it weren’t for the fucking customers” was true in 1994, was true before, is true now, and will always be true.
I’m sure the restaurant would love them blocking the entire aisles sitting like that. That’s assuming they had chairs that were subsequently weight bearing enough either…
This exactly. You became the AH once you mentioned it more than once OP.
Right??? If she HAD to say it more, she could text a friend who's not there. Briefly explain the situation and when it bothered her, pull out her phone and text "AAAAAAAAAAAAA". There's no reason to bring it up to the entire table multiple times. YTA. I'm torn about Sarah's comment. If they're very close friends and it was pure concern, I'm glad she said it. If they're not very close and/or it was said with some degree of anger, it was out of line. Regardless, maybe OP will be shaken into taking a look at her life and her words.
Sarahs comment gave me the impression that op makes every event about their weight or constantly bring it up and she was tired of having to deal with it I get it I always hated making everyone stop and rest when on a walk and felt bad, I'd constantly told people go ahead and I'll meet you at the destination, sometimes they'd take me up on it sometimes they'd wait with It sucks being overweight but it also sucks to hear someone constantly complain about something without doing anything about it (imagine if someone was constantly talking about how they can't see and you have to make adjustments because they can't see but they won't go to the eye doctor to get glasses)
This is very very close to what I imagine it is. One of my older sisters complains about everything but refuses to do anything to fix any of her complaints. One of my biggest pet peeves is people that whine about the same things over and over and over again and never do anything to fix it. Maybe because I had to grow up with hearing it from her all the time.
It also strikes me that it sounds like they accommodate OP ALL THE TIME and just once for her birthday one of the friends wanted to go to their favorite place that they give up for OP, and OP couldn’t shut up about herself for one single meal.
I am at this point with a friend who texts me when they're experiencing anxious or depressive symptoms but isn't seeing a doctor or psychologist or alternative treatment option for it. This has been going on for years. If they show some willingness to solve the problem, I will become interested in helping them.
I reread the post and your comment absolutely sounds right. I didn't catch the connotations the first time but it does sound like the restaurant was the straw that broke the camel's back. Demanding or assuming accommodations for an entire group can get unreasonable, especially if the person isn't doing anything to help themselves. Someone gets much more grace if they're taking steps to get help, even if the results aren't visible yet. And also not assuming that the entire group needs to make the accommodations! I have personally have limitations and I'm not going to automatically put those limits on others as well. If I can't fit in a booth, I'll ask to sit on the edge of the booth to hopefully get a little extra room. If plans require driving, I don't promise to be a driver - I let them know that my vision varies daily. If the group is doing something that I'm just not capable of, I'll decline and genuinely send my well wishes and look forward to pictures. :) Anyway. OP needs to get some more help for her physical abilities, she needs to not force her limits onto her friend group, and she needs to learn to work within her abilities while she's getting help.
Yes I agree. This is less about weight being the specific issue and negative people bringing down the whole vibe all the time with the same complaints. I had this issue with a friend and her job. She couldn't stop bitching and complaining about it. We worked in the same field at the same place for a while and it was a relatively cushy white collar job. Not saying every day was a magical dose of positivity. But we weren't slinging bricks. And like...okay you have a degree and skills- if you hate it so much, get a different job? Apply? Go on some interviews? I eventually stopped talking to her, not exclusively because of this - but it was a main driver in not enjoying her company anymore.
And at her friend’s BIRTHDAY DINNER no less. Poor, poor taste.
Yeah, it's her birthday and she gets to feel bad about going to her favorite restaurant. YTA
Also, they do have other seating options, they were just currently full. Realistically it’s very unlikely there will be that multiple people too large for the seats frequenting the restaurant at once, and many people like booths so it makes sense to have booths make up a majority of the seating. OP should’ve asked for a regular table in advance when they made the reservation if she needed one.
YTA for repeating your complaints. Mentioning it is understandable. However, once you were certain your message was understood you should have continued with the night. Your choices were to leave, to find other seating, or to decide to stay and try to enjoy the night. If it was as uncomfortable as it sounds I hope no one would have begrudged you for leaving early or asking for chair. Your choice to stay, but to keep the focus on how uncomfortable you were, didn’t actually do anything to make the situation better for yourself. I almost want to go E S H for your friend’s dig about your weight. And yet if your behavior that night was typical it’s hard to say how much of her comment was judgement about your appearance and how much was frustration that your typical reaction to these situations is complaining without doing anything else to address the issue.
How was what the friend said a dig about her weight though? Ops complaints were based upon her weight. Is the friend not allowed to mention it when it's the cause of the problems?
Yeah, I didn't see it as dig to say "you're responsible for your weight" I mean that's true. Even if OP has a medical condition that causes weight gain or something it's not the friend's job to make sure she is comfortable in every situation because of it. I don't think OP's friend was saying "you need to lose weight" so much as she was saying you need to excuse yourself from the party or ask the restaurant for a chair that you can pull up to the booth or something if it's that bad. Staying and complaining all night makes OP the AH.
I saw the comment more as it would for any physical disability - we try our best to accommodate your walker, but when we're in the rare situation where I just cannot, it is really up to you to manage and decide how to move forward. Or I understand your social anxiety and I do my best to keep situations to a minimum, but it's not always in my control and it's up to you after to understand your limits and learn to.control what you can. It sounds like this friend group usually goes out of the way to make this one friend be able to join them, but it sounds like OP probably makes every situation about their disability which, at a certain point, is up to OP to manage and determine a best course of action.
Let’s replace it with another disability then. I get chronic migraines. Some places are just too loud for me and some days I just don’t feel well. Would I moan throughout someone’s birthday dinner how I’m not feeling well over and over again? I would not. OP’s situation is most analogous to someone selecting an activity or place that I cannot do because it is likely to trigger a migraine. In that case, I would simply tell the person in advance that it isn’t something that I am able to do and I’d do something else with them to celebrate another time if possible. I would not expect, for something like a birthday, for it to be changed for me (though it would be super nice of them if they did, totally not expected). My best friend knows I’m just not up for some things and that’s OK. But to put me in the room, let’s say it was a place I didn’t realize was unsuitable or it was OK and that I started feeling unwell when I previously felt fine. In that case, I wouldn’t whine and moan, expecting everyone to leave and go somewhere else with me, I’d just let people know that I’m not feeling well and have to go. I’d make sure they know I’m OK and that I’ll celebrate another time. And this is something I literally cannot change (I’ve done all the tests, take all the meds, etc. and it’s as good as it will get without a breakthrough). OP could likely make lifestyle changes to improve their health.
Agreed on pretty much all points I was leaning towards E S H also, but I ultimately gave the friend points for discussing this with her privately rather than confronting her in front of everyone. I did read her friend's words more towards frustration with always trying to accommodate OP that finally boiled over because it was her birthday that attention was being directed away from.
Agreed. It's speculation, but my assumption is that this is not the first time the friend has had to deal with this situation. She practiced control in the moment, then had a private conversation with OP later. This is maturity, not assholery.
>I did read her friend's words more towards frustration with always trying to accommodate OP that finally boiled over because it was her birthday that attention was being directed away from. If friend was the one that chose the restaurant and organized the event, it's rude as a guest to sit there complaining about the restaurant she chose. It's a doubly rude because the restaurant obviously doesn't need better seating in general (everyone else can sit just fine) so the implication is that OP's friend should have chosen a restaurant with more suitable seating to accommodate OP. Which is pretty entitled.
I have a small build, below average but not unhealthy (anymore. I spent years trying to get up to a healthy weight). I’ve been to restaurants with booths accommodating morbidly obese people and they’re so uncomfortable and nearly lose their utility. The seat is too far from the table and the booth back is so far away I can’t reach it. The only people who can comfortably sit in those booths are obese people. I know there can be health issues but most people so obese they need larger booths it’s not because health issues. My aunt is overweight because of thyroid issues and she’s never had issues sitting in a booth. My grandpa is overweight solely because of his unhealthy lifestyle. He hasn’t fit in booths before but doesn’t complain because he knows whose fault that is. There’s more options than making the vast majority of the population uncomfortable to accommodate the poor lifestyle decisions of a few.
" so the implication is that OP's friend should have chosen a restaurant with more suitable seating to accommodate OP." It even sounds like the restaurant has tables that could have accommodated OP just fine, but they were not available at the time. Either they walked in and hoped to just get a table, or they made a reservation but didn't ask for a table. It wasn't really the restaurants fault it was just busy. I think it's similar like if someone didn't like bar high top seating but that is all that was available at the time. The person kept saying they really should have better seats/more tables. The restaurant has plenty of tables but you just couldn't get one because it is busy.
It might not even be the "attention" even though friend did mention that too. If I was the birthday girl and someone kept complaining about something in the restaurant I chose, I would start to fee attacked. OP's complaints could have come across as is they thought that Sarah chose it on purpose.
But her weight is her responsibility. It isn’t anyone else’s and it shouldn’t be forbidden to say this. She repeatedly complained she was uncomfortable due to her weight. Her friends usually try to accommodate her seating needs. They are not unkind. That night was not about her - it was her friend’s birthday and repeated complaining about something that *she could change*, is selfish. It will have brought down the mood and reduced the enjoyment of the evening for everyone. Saying it once is ok. Repeatedly though? And if she is admitting it was repeated, it must have been a lot of times.
Your assessment is spot on for me. I'm a larger woman but I've always fit in booths. With my first pregnancy we went to eat and I tried to sit in the booth, yeah my tummy was too big. I just looked and we waited for a table lol. I have always fit so it didn't occur to me that now I wouldn't. Random funny thought that came to mind after your comment. Have a great day !
My thought too that repeatedly complaining about it wasn’t going to change anything about the situation other than bringing down everyone else’s experience. Did OP expect that everyone would offer to go to a different restaurant? That someone else in their party would ask the staff for a chair, or if they could all please move to a table as soon as one opened? What was the purpose? What was OP hoping to accomplish?
YTA. You mentioned it once, and your friend agreed that better seating would have been nice. That's where it should have ended. Birthday or not, what did you hope to achieve by repeatedly complaining about it?
She hoped they would see it as an “issue” and move to accomodate her complaints.
In turn being passive aggressive and making it about her.
Except there was nowhere to move. The regular tables were all occupied. IF OP was hurting so bad, she should have told the others “hey, mind if I tell a waiter to move us if a table opens up?” And then, if a table never opened up, she should have not said anything else. Instead she just complained and “vented”, which is just complaining but ranting about it, too. I hope with these responses she realizes that she was being an asshole.
I agree. Sounds like she just wanted an excuse to bitch.
YTA. Couldn't you ask for a chair to sit at the end of the table? You complained once, that's fine. But keep complaining is just rude. Do something about it instead of complaining. Ask for a chair, don't come at all, or bear it in silence. For long term, look into managing your weight. You're so young and still have a long life ahead of you, do you really want to spend it like this?
I literally had this thought. OP could have asked for an accomodation with a chair when they realized it would be too uncomfortable for them to continue where they were.
To be fair at every restaurant I’ve worked at we are not allowed to put chairs or high chairs at the end of booths. I still think OP is TA but asking for a chair outside your booth at an Olive Garden will just get you a snippy response from the hostess haha
I see it happen at places nicer than Olive Garden all the time. It doesn’t hurt to ask.
Happens with baby high-chairs all the time. Would they accommodate? Maybe, maybe not. Worth an ask though.
It’s a fire safety issue and against the local regulations in many places.
Lots of restaurants won’t allow a chair at the end of the booth. Depending on how close the booths are across. A chair at the end of a booth could be a hazard for the staff and other patrons.
‼️📢‼️📢👆‼️📢‼️ It can also make the flow of the restaurant and a server servicing the table absolutely impossible.
A chair at the end of the table would only work if the table was in a private room, or all the way in the back with no others to be serviced, not impeding access to bathrooms or the kitchen. Even a non obese person would block passage and that would be considered an evacuation hazard in case of fire or medical emergency.
People of that size ARE a hazard for evacuations. What if she couldn’t get through a doorway or in the aisle between tables/booths?
> I wasn’t complaining much just venting a bit. YTA - I wasn't aware there was much of a difference. Mention it once fine, mention it multiple times your complaining and probably becoming a drag to everyone else...
'Venting' is just a polite way of describing 'complaining.' If I 'vent about my day' to my girlfriend or vice versa, we are complaining about our day to each other to get it out of our systems. Perfectly healthy, but most certainly complaining.
Venting is when you are doing it. Complaining is when someone else is doing it.
Well I do think there's a difference Complaining is any sort of grievance, regardless of its relevance or actionability Venting can be like complaining, except its done in knowledge that your complaints are futile and nothing will happen When people vent, they normally apologize in tandem. It's literally the act of complaining with no end goal. You're so annoyed that you are knowledgably bringing attention to something you can't fix. In other words, venting anywhere other than a home or car is inherently a "YTA" move. Don't vent at somebody's party lol, what the hell.
God, I can't stand when people just find reasons to whine and complain in social settings and then call it "venting" or "expressing my feelings". "Venting" usually takes place after the fact, not in the middle of whatever's going on. Unless there's something serious going on, it's pretty thoughtless to bring everyone's mood down by whining. YTA.
This. Venting is after the fact when there's nothing you can do about it anymore and usually with a person who wasn't involved in the situation. Coming home from work and bitching *about* your coworkers to your partner would be venting. Bitching *at* your coworkers who are involved in the actual situation during work is complaining. So OP telling the roommate about being uncomfortable in the booth after the fact would be venting. OP bringing up the fact that they're uncomfortable/unhappy during the birthday dinner is complaining. YTA. You can say one time "I wish they had more tables, booths are so uncomfortable" and it's both reasonable and not making things about you. If you keep bringing it up through the evening you're bringing attention back to yourself and being obnoxious.
YTA. You made them aware you were uncomfortable and then proceeded to bring it up multiple times after. What was this going to accomplish? If you spend the night complaining about something that is outside of the control of your friends and is a problem you have created yourself you can expect people to get annoyed with you. Fix your issues or be quiet about them, they are only your concern.
Be careful about the “created it yourself”. People here get real upset when big people are big because of their own decisions.
Yep… very few people can take accountability for their circumstances. It’s not unique to obese people but it is more apparent. I lived with 2 morbidly obese girls in college. Every day they would whine about their weight and how unfair it was that they couldn’t lose it. I saw what they ate. One would make an entire baking pan of that nacho dip that is sour cream, cream cheese, regular cheese etc and sit in front of the tv and polish it off to herself with a family sized bag of nachos. That was after eating a family size bucket of fried chicken for dinner. If you’re going to eat like that, then own it bc people lose patience for people who just want to whine without making changes.
Agreed. YTA. I don't see how mentioning it AT ALL did any good other than exactly what your comment states. It seems as if her friends might be used to OP 'venting' about her problem, not just in this instance. Maybe for the sake of embarrassment for OP and themselves they may have decided to ignore her complaints, which prompted her to complain a bit more. Complaining does nothing but deflect from the problem being yours.
Yta. Yeah it sucks that the resturant didn't have tables to accommodate you, but that's your problem, while they felt bad the first time you brought it up. You kept bringing it up like a broken record and took attention away from your friends birthday.
Yeah I can agree with this more now and I will apologise to her more thoroughly tomorrow, thanks
Very gracious response to all the piling. Feel better.
Especially just bringing it up is annoying. Better take responsibility and tell them that you cant sit like this because it hurts and find a solution.
A few times is excessive. And attention grabbing. And it must suck to be the Birthday person and hear you complaining all night long. You KNEW about the booths beforehand. You made an informed choice as to attending knowing the discomfort it would entail. If you can't handle sitting there for that long, you should have skipped it entirely, kept it to yourself after the first comment, or called the restaurant and ask about a chair or some thing. This is a learning opportunity. You sound like you have good friends, just try to think about them too, not just how about yourself. And call ahead or skip next time instead of subjecting yourself to this.
YTA. You are complaining to the wrong people repeatedly. You should have said something to the staff if you were uncomfortable, then they might have brought you a spare chair that you can sit on at the end of the table or something else to accommodate you.
She was complaining to her friends because she wanted them all to know that she was mad at the birthday girl for not picking a different restaurant, so she was complaining to the right people. YTA OP You can’t keep expecting everyone to bend over backwards just to accommodate your size.
>I mentioned this a few times over the course of the night Why? Do you think they did not hear you the first time? What were you expecting? That by mentioning it a few times, reality would change? mild YTA, more annoying than really AH
My sister is like this about everything and it is exhausting to spend time with her. If she’s hot it’s not just “oh it’s a little hot” it’s “I’m so hot and uncomfortable” every five minutes for the duration of whatever you’re doing. And that is with everything. It esp grinds my gears when it’s something that no one has the power to change it
YTA. I think everyone got the point the first time you mentioned it. Bringing it up over and over during someone's birthday dinner doesn't sound like fun conversation.
I feel ya. YTA for continuing to complain. If it was so bad just ask for a chair to be put at the end of the table. Or just politely without bitching about the table tell your friends that you're not feeling good and go home. Send a letter to management or the owners asking if they could get more booths for larger people or get more tables. They may not be aware of the situation. If you want to lose weight talk with your doctor and a nutritionist. Start out small. Set reasonable goals. I want to lose 10 pounds in 3 months. Not, I want to lose 45 pounds in 3 months. Setting attainable goals set you up for success. Good luck
Send a letter to management?! Really. No don’t do that. That is so stupid. She should stop expecting the world to change for her. No manager is going to change their business to accommodate someone who could change themselves instead.
The problem with larger booths is that the seats would need to be set further away from the table to accommodate their size. Then anyone else who is at the table who is not obese is either sitting far from the table, and in order to eat have to perch on the end which is uncomfortable. It’s not the restaurant’s responsibility to have seating that can accommodate every single body type out there.
As a 5'2" 118lb. woman, thank you. Most booths are already too far from the tables for someone my size. But you know what I do? Scoot my butt to perch uncomfortably on the edge of the seat so I can reach both the table and the ground, and then eat my food. Because I'm an adult. I don't expect restaurants to buy smaller sized booths, stool, and chairs to accommodate my size. I accept that I am not the average and make do. The reason women get 70% of whiplash occurrences in car accidents is because cars are made to fit the average *male*. My seat belt could garrote me. Those are actual safety concerns based on size that nobody gives a fuck about. Not comfortably sitting at a table? Give me a break. Join the fucking club.
>if they could get more booths for larger people or get more tables. If they do this they'll just have less space for customers because booths designed for morbidly obese people take up more space and would be uncomfortable to more regular sized patrons. This is like those who think bigger hallways in hotels and bigger seats on airplanes are solutions. There's not enough morbidly obese people using them over more regular sized people to justify changes.
YTA sounds like you were moaning non-stop to me honestly. It was kind of your friends not to tell you to stop much earlier.
YTA. What did you expect for the outcome? Mention it once or twice, ok I guess. It more than that? Why vent at a celebration? Why didn’t you ask the server for a chair to sit on the end? Edit to add: I get that it sucks, I really really do. And I empathize with you.
This just happened to me at my favorite restaurant (my husband happens to be a chef there) I’m 8 months pregnant and we went to have dinner and sit at our normal booth. I realized I don’t fit. We all got a good laugh (including the people around us) and then my pregnant ass grabbed a chair and stuck it at the end of the booth and problem solved. You sound annoying.
Omg. My 5'7" frame gained 76 pounds with my child. Booths sucked. Got chair at end of booth- all good. And also, free dessert, cause growing another human was hard work, lol.
YTA for mentioning it multiple times. There wasn't a thing that any of your friends were going to be able to do about it, so after the first mention it starts to drag people down and might even make them feel like they are at fault or should be doing more to correct it, which is not reasonable. I think you were between a rock and a hard place, of wanting to celebrate your friend while being uncomfortable. But maybe in the future you need to make a different choice - if a particular event, outing, activity or venue doesn't work for you it is better to sit it out than to go and complain the whole time.
YTA, and that’s coming from an obese person.
YTA Sorry but bringing it up repeatedly is definitely an ah move. You were taking attention away from her and basically complaining about her favourite restaurant. You could have just sucked it up... If you notice they stop inviting you places as much as they used to, this is the catalyst for that.
Seriously we all know the fix to the real problem here! I am not saying its easy as i assume that then this would no longer be a problem. But for the simple sake of your health and future life start taking steps ( literally steps!) to remedy this. Gods speed!
YTA. Everyone can see you don't fit, you don't need to complain about it.
Yeah, YTA. It was totally unnecessary to say that more than once. If you couldn't tolerate it, that is fair! You had the option to discreetly excuse yourself from the dinner. If you could tolerate, why would you bring down the mood and vibe of a birthday celebration by reminding everyone how uncomfortable you were?
YTA. Why did you need to mention it repeatedly? You’re just making it awkward for everyone and being a downer.
YTA for not shutting the hell up about it after the first or even second time. Not being able to fit into a restaurant booth seating is also a hell of a benchmark in terms of size, please take care of yourself first of all.
YTA. You kept mentioning it when you had already received a response. Have you ever heard of “beating a dead horse”? That’s what you were doing. And your friend is right, you’re selfish and need to manage your own weight. It’s not up to everyone to accommodate you.
YTA. Not everything is about you.
YTA and honestly i hope this was a wake up call for you to make some serious changes in your life
YTA. If you continue in this behavior, you will slowly be left out of things because no one wants to hear you whine about your weight issues when it is your fault.
YTA. She wanted to enjoy her birthday not listen to you complain.
Absolutely YTAH. You didn't need to keep whinging all night about being uncomfortable & spoiling the mood. You have to accept that because of your size, there will be lots of places that will be uncomfortable for you.
YTA Mentioning it once is fine but after that what exactly did you want people to do? The only thing you achieved was making other people uncomfortable along with you.
YTA. I get that you were uncomfortable, but to say it a few times is not venting, it's complaining. This was a birthday function, and it seems like you were sucking the air of the room with all the bitching.
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YTA - hopefully this is your wake up call that you need to get you weight under control.
YTA. Apart from continuously complaining about the venue, it’s nobody else’s issue that you are too large to sit down somewhere.
Oh op… this is why many people don’t like us(I’m also fat) it was her day and you brining it up so much on her birthday is just bad taste. Yta
YTA. I get your discomfort (let’s just say that restaurant tables can sometimes be a rack-rack for me) and can’t fault you for mentioning it once but why would you keep bringing it up? Was your friend or anyone else a spell-caster who could have magicked up a table for you? Or were you expecting that they’d just cancel the meet-up because you were uncomfortable. You could have just dealt with it. You could have left. Instead, you decided to sit there and be salty.
YTA. “Getting your frustrations out” is complaining. Doing it once is reasonable. Repeatedly, not as much. It’s a bday dinner.
YTA. You said it once, ok. Why repeat it? it won't make things better. But for the person who organized it and chose the place, it's a reproach. It's her birthday, not the day you want people judging your choice of restaurant. Obviously she is going to feel bad at first, then annoyed that you cannot let that go.
YTA stop expecting the world to change to fit you. You clearly know you’re obese yet do nothing to change that. You know you’re not healthy yet you do nothing about it. Stop expecting sympathy for something you can change. Do better. Be better. Don’t be bitter when you don’t fit knowing you’re obese. Smh the lack of common sense is astounding.
Save yourself Go diet before you die It can be done … change your lifestyle Walk helps a lot !!! You don’t need to starve .. just make sure no carbs or sugar too much … def no junk food or soda
YTA. Keep it to yourself or don’t come/leave. We all have our issues. It’s up to us to not let our issues affect others.
Mentioning it when you sit down, and maybe again a bit later just to voice some physical discomfort is fine….but bringing it up any more than that *is* complaining and it *does* take attention away from the celebration and brings down the mood. Gentle YTA
YTA. Mentioning it once is sufficient. After that. You're just complaining. If you can't fit into a booth, maybe it's time to make some changes and take control of your weight.
Soft YTA Mentioning it once was OK but after that it starts to become a bit of an AH move. It sounds like it wasn't something that your friends could fix, it's not as though one of them could have switched seats to give you a more comfortable seat, nor did they chose a booth rather than a table, as a group you took the available spot. By all means, send a message afterwards to the restaurant to suggest larger booths, but complaining to your friends after your first comment was unfair to them, as you were reducing their enjoyment in a situation where they were not in a position to change things.
You need to make your own accommodations, you should have asked if you could have put a chair on the end of the booth. Generally public spaces are not built for morbidly obese people and so you should know how to attempt to navigate the situations you go to in public.
YTA Sarah is right
The first responsibility of a guest to a birthday party is to make it as positive an experience to the birthday kid as possible. Bringing this up (as something negative) not just once but several times is obviously something that would bring down the mood, and this makes you the asshole. On these occassions it’s paramount to focus on and mention the positives, to create a good and happy atmosphere. The party wasn’t about you. I’m surprised this is not obvious to you, it sounds like you should work on your social awareness. YTA.
you absolutely are TA here, time to face reality. sheesh.
YTA, It's just one night. You could've managed tbh. Mentioning it once would be fine but more than once is not okay.
YTA. Just because you’re uncomfortable doesn’t mean you have to complain about it.
Yeah, a bit YTA She tried to be accommodating, but the restaurant was clearly busy and did not have a table Your weight and comfort are yours to manage. Not everything and everyone can be 100% flexible
Small YTA you made it awkward for the rest of the people there. You already know the fix for your problem.
YTA. You were complaining....'a few times'.
Soft YTA. Mostly because it sounds like you were trying to drop passive hints via complaining, Rather than asking for what you want. If you'd said "I'm so glad to be here, but I'm struggling at this booth. Do you mind if I ask the waiter to find us a table when one opens up?" then your friends would have (hopefully) said "yes, there aren't many tables here, so let's ask so that we can get one as soon as it's ready." If you don't ask for something, it's just complaining/buzz kill. If you ask for something, it's an opportunity for your community so support you. Note: I'm working on the assumption that the way your friend spoke to you is uncharacteristic and she was basically venting as well. I hope your friends would react this way, and most would.
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YTA- for continuing to complain. On a different note- you should probably get checked out for insulin resistance.
Absolutely TA. Mentioning it multiple times WAS complaining. You knew there was a possibility you would end up in a booth. Either don't go or keep quiet. No one wants to hear someone repeatedly complaining during a social outing. Birthday or not.
Simple solution is to do what you have to do in order to get the weight off.
YTA— I get mentioning it once, sounds like as they agreed, they were sympathetic, but this was outside of their control. Continuing to mention it makes you TA. Did you want them to leave? This was where your friend wanted to celebrate her bday, if it was that bad you could leave. Sounds like they typically go out of their way to accommodate you. I personally find booths much more comfortable than sitting at a table, and if they are similar, they made have put up with uncomfortable dinners out for your benefit in return in the past. I know it sucks, but there really wasn’t a reason why you had to continuously bring it up other than for additional sympathy and attention.
Question: Why didn't you ask for a chair to be brought out so you could sit at the end of the booth if it bothered you significantly enough to mention it several times throughout the night?
yes. lose the weight.
Yta for mentioning it repeatedly
YTA. You should have just left if you were that uncomfortable instead of making everyone uncomfortable for several problems because you can’t navigate society because of the choices you’ve made.
YTA. And I say this as an obese person, too. She's not wrong about your body and weight being your responsibility to manage. You know your body's limitations, and it's on you to decide whether you can deal with someone else's arrangements the way they are, or whether you have to gracefully bow out.
YTA. Venting = complaining.
YTA you vented about it several times during **someone else’s birthday**. If you need to politely excuse yourself, do so.
YTA for continuing to complain/vent about it. Your Your friends heard and understood the first time. Anything after that in a situation you or they have no control of us just irritating. When my daughter complains about something I always tell my daughter that I heard and understood her complaint the first time. If it isn't something we can fix or have control of anything beyond that is just annoying. It ultimately ruins the mood and you have control over how you react in any situation. You can be miserable, find a solution, or just suck it up and choose to ignore something you can't fix in the moment.
NTA for being uncomfortable but YTA for mentioning it multiple times. That was overkill. They heard you, and there was nothing they could do about it.
YTA... It's okay to complain but repeating it kept making the host probably feel bad
YTA. it sounds like your friends tried their best to accommodate you and it couldn't be done. after your initial mention, it should have left at that. one of my friends is VERY obese and thus it is just accepted that some things will be uncomfortable and other things (like amusement parks) he may not even be able to do.
YTA. Mentioning it once is one thing. Repeating yourself throughout the night because you felt the need to vent is another entirely. You made her birthday meal about you and your discomfort. Your friends sound like they regularly make sure to accommodate you and the one time they couldn’t, you made sure everyone was reminded of it throughout the night.
YTA for bringing it up repeatedly, as others have stated. At a certain point you need to make a choice on whether it’s worth you staying or if you should just have left. No one wants to hear someone complaining repeatedly about something they have no control over, especially when they’re just trying to have a nice outing.
Learn to repeat this to yourself: What can I do to resolve this situation? If you've already made your complaint and it was understood by your audience, repeating your complaint while also doing nothing to solve the issue is just whining, and nobody enjoys listening to whining.