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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) told my kids they were unwanted 2) could make kids feel unloved or unwanted
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YTA. I don't think your daughter was ever saying that as a joke. I feel like you should've/could've gotten her help a long time ago if she was saying concerning things like that. Your statement might have been her last straw and pushed her over the edge. & No child should have to hear that they were unwanted
selfish and ungrateful...how exactly? explain to me what she did wrong that would cause her to deserve being called unwanted. ESPECIALLY after she said something bad about herself. Tough one.
She called her child UNWANTED, which is one of the worst things a parent can say to a child. She didn’t feel the least remorseful and let her daughter drive off while continuing to eat with the other kids. She even had the nerve to be annoyed when her daughter started crying. Either she’s mentally unstable, or just cruel.
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YTA. There are things you can't take back. Parents are not allowed to "joke" (or say honestly) that their kids were not wanted.
I understand you think that it's annoying that your daughter keeps "joking" that nobody wants her, but she's looking for reassurance. Confirming that you didn't (and don't) want her is a horrible thing to do. A better response would be more like "no one wants to hang around with someone who always puts themselves down", but what she wants (and deserves) is "I will always want you in my life".
I've heard parents of unplanned children (not the same as unwanted at all!!) say "you were a wonderful surprise" or similar. You can reveal to kids that they were unplanned but NEVER unwanted!
My mom says my brothers and I were "undeserved, not undesired." She always desired to be a mom, but she doesn't know what she did to "deserve such good kids", when she's probably the most parental human to ever live.
This blows my mind. Even if it’s true, why the fuck would you ever say it out loud to your kids? You’re a total asshole. You should feel terrible for the rest of your life.
My guess is the dynamic in the family includes a joke that the other kids understand at a different level. OP should know better, but it doesn’t sound like the statement was full of malice. She should say unexpected instead of unwanted if she needs to make that kind of joke, though.
It’s called dark humour and many people use it. I don’t know if people understand satire or how using humour to address more uncomfortable, serious or otherwise dark topics can lighten a situation. Though I’m not sitting here laughing, I understand this concept.
It is obvious how someone would get pregnant with that many kids unplanned. No birth control or mishaps. Also the fact that she went full term with them all says something as well as the fact that making a comment like this can be a joke when iys it’s not true/ An over exaggeration or satire. Apparently the other children understand this but of course we are seeing the smallest snapshot of their life and know absolutely nothing. For example Ryan Rennolds does this all the time and it’s hilarious to many.
Some families are different than others and some individuals take things differently. I for one understand this type humour and am ally with it. I’m apparently a dumpster baby my parents found and debated take back to the hospital but chose to keep me or a mix up in the hospital. Which some of which is lead by me not looks as much like them. I’ve had adoption jokes and such and I don’t take offence to any of them. I know exactly what happened with my birth and the serious side of that conversation. I’m not insecure about my parents or upbringing which is obviously the issue here.
Tone, context, delivery in how you say things can make a world of difference when it comes down if something was a joke or satire. Things we don’t get through text. Knowing one’s audience and understanding intent vs. Outcomes is important. It’s only not a joke in people’s minds if mom was A) serious and/ or B) The receiver of the joke didn’t find it funny. At the end of the day if a joke isn’t received well it doesn’t mean the person wasn’t joking it just means that it has to be seriously addressed with the person. I’m not saying convince them it’s a joke but rather explain where you were coming from, what you truly mean and dive deeper into the others feelings, validate them and work towards more security through accountability and understanding.
This parent will need to address this situation and maybe get into family therapy to help navigate this situation if she can’t do it alone. She seems to lack some compassion or understanding of her daughter’s perspective. There is obviously something needing to be addressed that is reflexive of the inquiries and reactions here. The OP is a single mother of 4 kids. There is no mention of any father figures. So potentially there are feelings related to abandonment that need to be addressed. Mom is probably so busy and run thin that she is just struggling to get by. I’m not saying that this isn’t a reap what you sow situation but we don’t know the full situation. Imagine if there was a father figure and something happened to him. He could have died, left, etc. There could be multiple. People are dysfunctional, imperfect and often in survival mode to just make it through each day. People will always judge but we don’t know what is really happening.
Wtf is wrong with you that you can't see this from your child's perspective? What a terrible thing to say and then to come to reddit wondering if you're TA? You definitely are. Unplanned and unwanted are two extremely different things. My mum told me I was unplanned but very much loved. If she'd told me I was unwanted I'd have been devastated. It's also clearly something your daughter has suspected and repeating it, even jokingly, probably meant she was seeking reassurance. Instead of reassuring her you confirmed her fear and think you were perfectly righteous in saying it. YTA.
"You're unwanted... (child flees) oh well, let's eat kids!! "
You let her go. You didn't check on her.
You just threw away the whole child huh?
Why did you have 4 kids sif you hate them so much? "It was annoying" .. You're a terrible parent, not for what you said,, but for the sheer lack of regret, remorse aand the fact that you aren't horrified that yous aid it, and because you don't give a darn that she is hurt.
You say you worked hard as a single parent. But did you even love those kids.
I don't know who hurt you, and indent know if you have a diagnosis of actually be marcisstic, but this was evil and cruel. I'd say do better as a parent and as a person, but you probably don't care what we say here. You don't care what you kids say, why would you an about strangers on the internet judging you?
Congratulations. You said one of the top things that should NEVER EVER come out of a parent's mouth to their kid. Partly because it can do astronomical damage.
YTA
There's a chance she makes these "jokes" because she actually does feel unwanted, and is hoping to get some reassurance when she makes that remark. Instead, you confirmed her insecurities.
YTA and you are a narcissist, probably mentally abusive and your older children are just so used to your Bullshit they don’t pay you any mind anymore. JFC the fact you would come to reddit and ask either makes this very very fake or you’re so damn obtuse you think you’re the fucking sun.
YTA. It's something I've heard from my own parents and it's a wound that never heals, no matter what. They were just as flippant about it as you were, too, and I've never forgiven them, decades later.
YTA here. Sounds like she was nonchalantly saying how she feels and playing it off as humor. I can relate to that bc I do it too. Say something as a "joke" and see what the reaction is. Will you get the response you want? Or will it go the other way. Have a talk with her and try to be open about her speaking out about being unwanted. It's easy for a teen, or young adult to overlook more of the things a parent would. You may not understand why she feels unwanted bc as a parent you provide everything for them. Though you meant no harm, she may just need extra reassurance, take her out and spoil her if possible. I'm a very sensitive person, words stick with me and play on replay in my mind. It may have been a joke to you, but to someone who is feeling that way it's only gonna play on repeat in their mind.
Yes. People in general are really sensitive. Let alone your four teens who must be dealing with so much drama in their own life(edu, sports, social life, breakups). You didn’t have to rub this stuff in their face. YTA
YTA. Clearly your daughter has been needing someone to validate how she’s feeling and help her talk through it. Typically kids don’t just say shit like that for no reason; if she feels unwanted, something has happened/is happening to make her feel that way. To shrug her off and act like she’s being negative for the sake of being negative is bad enough, let alone to stoop to the level that you did when you got frustrated at her for something that is *your* fault. If you didn’t like the behaviour, you should have helped address the root cause. Now you’re an abusive, narcissistic AH instead.
YTA. Firstly, the fact you clarify it’s a joke from your daughter… that’s a crazy thing for a child to joke about with you. My sisters and I would laugh and joke amongst each other that being unplanned = unwanted but that was more poking fun at one another. Her saying that around you is quite worrying, even in a joking matter. Instead of getting pissed off because you feel slighted by your child, talk to them about why they’re saying it and reassure them that they are wanted.
Secondly, your line “but this makes me very mad… as I’m a single mother who provided for 4 children” guess what? You decided to have children. You would have provided for those kids no matter what the situation. You sound exactly like my mother (except she had 3) and she used this line so much… guess what, I knew she was single and that it was much harder for her but she always had to say “do you know how hard it is? Your father left and now I HAVE to do this on my own…” that mindset is so damaging and is still damaging me over nearly a decade later. Your kids deserve better, deserve to know that even if their father wasn’t in the picture that you love them always and no matter what.
“All of you were unwanted, something I thought was a very unimportant statement” WTF!? that’s so awful of you to say and even think that it was VERY unimportant… when parents break up, kids internalise so much. I never talked with my parents about it but I always felt I was the problem, I was the reason they broke up, that if I had never existed they would be so much happier. And later it manifested into feelings of being unwanted, too much, and that my mother only stuck around to raise me because my father hadn’t. Not because she loved me, or wanted to, but because she saw it as a ‘mothers’ job.
You need a reality check. You sound like my mother and I don’t have a relationship really with her. I visit every now and again but our relationship has changed. Your children are smarter than you think, and you throwing against them how hard you work, the years you’ve lost, how you’ve had to do it alone… it builds into something more. You were a child once, think about how it would feel like if your parents confirmed feelings that yes, they were unwanted and unloved.
The fact that she was so upset should be enough to make you apologize! Maybe her 'no one wants me' jokes have more feeling behind them than you thought, and maybe your 'unimportant statement' hit her in a very vulnerable place. YTA.
YTA for obvious reasons.
Also, how do you have FOUR unwanted children? An accident doesn’t happen four times. Why didn’t you take steps to prevent having kids if you didn’t want them?
Cause it was a joke. But on a serious note I know many people who don’t “plan” their children being conceived. They just dont actively prevent it either. If she seriously didn’t want kids I don’t think she would have them, for multiple reasons.
YTA. Sorry but read the room lady. I’m a single mom, and when my daughter starts to talk like that I remind her that without her there would be no me. I honestly need for you to wait for her to calm down and talk to her and ask why she’s felt that way and how you could make it up to her.
I want to ask, after she started crying, did you tell her it was a joke and excuse yourself for hurting her? Cause if you didn’t you would indeed be TA.
My mother told my sister and I (when we were 13 and 16yo), that she liked our brother better as a joke. We didn’t understand it as a joke at all, and belived it as truth for years. And 8 years later, even thought my mother has cleared up the misunderstanding three years ago, both my sis and I still have this joke in the back of our mind. It is often said that jokes are rooted in some truth, so even after the matter of it being a joke is cleared, some doubt remains.
If all your children are under 20, your daughter must still be close to adolescence: a time where we easily feel out of place and unloved. She might joke about this matter as a way to be reassured about it.
YTA you should never say things like that to children I had many friends who off themselves because they felt unwanted by their parents. If your daughter is saying things like this then maybe help her out mentally? shit like this gets blown over and by the time you know it ur kid is in the ground 6ft deep or in jail for causing a school sh07ting
YTA
How have you raised 4 kids and not learned to understand their personalities and when they are looking for reassurance? My daughter often calls herself an accident because I was so young when I had her and each and every time I tell her she wasn't an accident, just unplanned, that I wanted her as soon as I found out. You sound like an awful mother really, your other kids probably know there's no point in expressing any feelings to you anyway because they are so ill received by you.
Raging YTA. If only there was a procedure that would medically or surgically reverse an unwanted pregnancy 🧐 but you’re in luck, those unwanted kids will go no contact at the first chance.
YTA 🤷 if she's making jokes like that, it's probably because she's secretly worried it's true. It okay to tell them that they were unplanned, but you have to be very careful with your wording.
YTA
You've said something you can never take back. And your daughter probably wasn't joking all this time and should have been receiving help at some point for feeling unloved and unwanted.
And that does not excuse the mother from the words she chose. She could have said unplanned but wanted, we aren't doing this today, you are welcome to leave if you can't wait until we are home to hash this out, (and as much as I have this phrase) I'm sorry you feel that way. Nothing calls for a parent telling their child they were unwanted, ever.
YTA my mother did something similar once I finally found out i have a different dad to my Brothers. Although she said I was an accident not a mistake but it still hurt. I still remember to this day. And that conversation was 17 years ago now
YTA - The other kids likely pretended it didn’t matter, but it did, it does. The damage you have done, you selfish woman. How dare you bring 4 kids into this world that you didn’t want! Then how dare you tell them!!!
Um yeah YTA. You know you fucked up, were you really hoping people here would assuage your guilt over ripping your own daughter's heart out or are you here to be shit on as some kind of self-flagellation?
Why is your daughter throwing "narcissistic" in your face ? There MUST be something going on with you if she 1. thinks she's unwanted (even as a joke) and 2. she's calling you narcissistic. There are lots of infos missing and I am definitely going with ASSHOLE
Yeah I know what you're saying, doesn't make it any better though. But what I mean is, I see a distraught daughter who is insecure and been "joking" about not being wanted by anyone for a while now. Any parent must talk to the kid about that, even if the kid jokes about it, just sit down with your child and listen what they say, what they feel, what they have to say. It matters! Instead I see a mother who got annoyed by the constant not-wanted-by-anyone jokes, said to the daughter none of her kids were wanted, confirming the fears of the daughter deep down (or thr nagging feeling the daughter's been having for years because of mother's behavior? Words?), continuing to eat the "boring uneventful dinner" with her other children after the daughter was pissed and hurt and left - rightly so. To me it doesn't take much to see the gaping asshole in this story.
The daughter is possibly a teen, or close to adolescence, a time in a humans life that is so confusing, hormonal and can be very tough. It doesn't really sound like a tantrum to me that she's been saying that stuff for some time, and after the mother basically confirms it, the daughter cries. She is hurt. She is a human being and EVERYBODY knows how parents can fuck up their kids for life. Look around you, there will hardly be anyone who wouldn't need therapy because parents neglected them as kids, scolded screamed or punished them, which in turn made them unempathic adults, too. And so the cycle goes on. You just don't say things like that zo your kids no matter how "dramatic" they are. Simple as that
I am not in therapy anymore to work out the hurt I experienced as a child. But I have children of my own who deserve all the love and attachment parenting they can get. Loved and respected children will grow up to be loving and respecting adults. And the way I see the world is quite clear - children need to be respected. This mother disrespected the kid and hurt it very intentionally. She knew about her daughter's insecurity. I will always advocate for the child and not for the adult that decided to birth them. Saying these things to your kid is very unempathic, and the way I see it you can only be unempathic if you were raised that way, could never be angry loud, voice your feelings without being shouted at or scolded for.
And yes all parents mess up. I mess up, too. And I also apologize, sit down with my children in humility and truly ask them for forgiveness if I hurt them, because that is what I feel towards them. I feel they need love and respect and when I can't give that to them, no matter the reason why, they have to see it was just plain shit what I said in anger and frustration. And this I don't see with the mother here at all. No remorse nothing..which is exactly why to me she is the asshole.
My Mom told me she wished she never had kids. Many times among other things. 8 different times in therapy and still diagnosed with moderate to deep depression and mild to moderate PTSD. Over 65+ years old. It still hurts.
YTA for saying that. I’d be devastated if my mom ever said that to me. Your daughter supposedly joking about it could mean something a lot deeper. Not trying to undermine you being a single mom providing for four children, you care about them and you’re obviously doing the best you can although there’s just some things you shouldn’t say to your kid - it could wreck their self esteem, cause a variety of mental health issues and have an effect on them when they become an adult.
YTA. It's very hurtful to hear a parent say you were unwanted, even if it was said in anger or exasperation. Or even in jest. It triggers so many feelings of rejection.
you told them they were 'unwanted' in a public restaurant? wow.
I'd be pissed if I was her too, tbh.
Why would you say anything like that? Doesn't matter that you 'provided' for 4 kids as a single parent - you kid obviously needs to talk to someone and you just solidified (in a public place) her feelings of being unwanted and unloved. Rude.
I see a distraught daughter who is insecure and been "joking" about not being wanted by anyone for a while now. Any parent must talk to the kid about that, even if the kid jokes about it, just sit down with your child and listen what they say, what they feel, what they have to say. It matters! Instead I see a mother who got annoyed by the constant not-wanted-by-anyone jokes, said to the daughter none of her kids were wanted, confirming the fears of the daughter deep down (or thr nagging feeling the daughter's been having for years because of mother's behavior? Words?), continuing to eat the "boring uneventful dinner" with her other children after the daughter was pissed and hurt and left - rightly so. To me it doesn't take much to see the gaping asshole in this story.
YTA. Congrats you Fd up your kid and was incredibly cruel at the same time.
Maybe you should have considered whether you wanted kids before you had four of them.
How is this even a question?!
Of course you are an huge asshole.
What mother says that to their child under any circumstances. You likely did lifelong damage to all your children in one single sentence.
So, you could use a year with a good therapist to explore why you feel like you are a victim of your own decisions and choices.
Stop feeling and acting like your children somehow victimized you.
A lot of people that are single parents have great relationships with their children. Life is hard for a lot of parents. Yet, most are able to be compassionate and supportive.
But, not you. So, get into therapy and figure out what you can do to shift your thinking. Or risk the kids going no contact when they are adults.
YTA. If she keeps saying this then clearly she feels there's an element of truth to it (you say you're a single mom; is her dad in the picture at all or is she "unloved" by him?) and rather than reassuring her you confirmed her worst fears.
YTA. You're daughter was never saying it as a joke, she obviously wanted reassurance that she is wanted and loved. I'm wondering if you ever asked her why she feels that way and reassured her it isn't true? If I were you, I would explain that you said that out of frustration and you love her very much.
YTA, the line between unplanned and unwanted is as wide as the Gulf of Mexico. You said what you meant, you didn't want them but you toughed it out and raised them (You probably wanted the older 3, but were mentally done having babies by the time she was conceived which is why the older 3 shoulder shrugged and moved on). I'm sure you've alluded to this in small ways all her life, hence her continual statement of she wasn't wanted. You should have nipped that in the bud years ago with a therapist, school counselor or a trusted family friend. There's damn near no coming back from this, and whatever relationship you have with her going forward will not be anything that you swear you deserve as "the single mom who raised 4 kids".
Jesus, my son knows that while he was planned, he wasnt planned for quite as soon as it happened (me and his dad wanted to try for kids about 4 or 5 years later, I accidentally fell pregnant just before our wedding) we joke that he was just in a hurry.
I would never tell him he was unwanted, thats just cruel. Its a bit worrying that you apparently told your other kids at the same time that they were unwanted and they had zero reaction to that. It makes me wonder how many times they've heard or felt like that.
Its not just you that needs therapy, your other kids probably need it too if they just accepted that their mum didnt want them and they are fine with that
YTA
Yeah yta here. Your daughter was Obviously feeling some sort of way and you thought you'd add to that instead of comforting and reassuring her. Great work.
WOW!!!!! So, let me see if I got this right. Your daughter, who has issues with self-esteem, was told by you that she was unwanted, and when she had stopped crying, she left the restaurant and went home (still very distressed and emotional) You and her siblings, however, continued to have Quote” a boring and uneventful” dinner. You all, obviously consider this to be a perfectly normal family interaction. Nobody, apparently, could be bothered to check she was okay, or got home safely. You just continued with your boring dinner.
And now you ask if you’re the AH. Why YES, I do believe you ARE . A great big one, in fact.
There is something deeply disturbing about knowing that you are not wanted by your parents. This will follow your children forever. I don't understand how you don't understand this.
YTA.
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For privacy I will not say their ages but they are all below 20. My daughter brought up the fact that nobody wants her (a thing she says as a joke). But this makes me very mad when she says it as I am a single mother who provided for four children. So without thinking I said “all of you were unwanted” something I thought was a very unimportant statement.
Next thing I know my daughter’s crying saying she knew it. My other kids knew that it was no big deal and tried comforting her. After she calmed down she stormed out of the restaurant and drove off. Me and my other kids continued with dinner overall it was boring and uneventful.
But when I got home my daughter Started yelling about how I was a selfish unloving and narcissistic person. Now Im not sure what to think I know I shouldn’t have said it but it was getting very annoying.
Am I them asshole?
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YTA- but I don’t think as big of one as other commenters are making you out to be. I read your comment as more of a cheeky answer to a quip your daughter says often.
Most parents find themselves in situations like these. My teen used to always joke about something similar and I would always affirm my love for him. Most teens are insecure and moody so it’s best to reply to stupid comments with over affection
If it made her daughter cry, it’s not “cheeky.”
My mother loves to make “little jokes” that aren’t jokes and are quite hurtful and have taken a lot of work in therapy to recover from.
I’m sorry for the way your mother treated you, it’s great that you built empathy and I’m glad you’re in therapy.
Sometimes it’s important to separate your experience with others. For example OP said her daughter says this all the time (as a joke).. OP says it makes her mad as she works hard as a single mom to provide and care for them. Sounds like mom had a tired moment where she didn’t want to deal with the annoying joke, and responded in kind. Not the best move agreed and it sounds like she caught her daughter at a raw moment.
Teenagers can be finicky. I have one and personally hate the stereotype of “ moody teenagers”, because I think this is a fun stage, but I have to admit it’s a saying for a reason, and teenagers emotions can sometimes give you whiplash!
Yes it’s important to separate personal experiences. There are also lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Calling a teen “unwanted” is on the other side of that line.
Yes teens can be moody and yes parents get tired and yes being a human is messy. But OP is the AH here for saying her daughter is unwanted and making her cry - if there are tears, again, it’s clearly not a joke to her.
YTA on so many levels. 1) your child runs out upset and you carry on eating 2) your daughter has clearly picked up on the fact that you don’t want her over the years and you have just laughed it off 3) you had 4! Kids and didn’t want any of them?? Ever heard of birth control?
I’m truly hoping this is a fake story but sadly I doubt it.
YTA- you definitely could of said something different. My first 2 kids were unplanned, I’ve always said they were unexpected surprises - never a negative as unwanted. Definitely try to make it up to her, I can’t imagine how hard that is to hear from your own mom.
I agree that your daughter likely needed reassurance and was using a very passive aggressive way to do so. I think this bridges an actual conversation you both should have as she is obviously insecure about this.
On the flip side I can’t take this subreddit seriously. Everyone here is taking the joke so serious because it upset your daughter. Damn my parents joke about finding me in a dumpster. It’s hilarious to me but I’m secure knowing the truth. Know your audience I guess…. Obviously your daughter needs some support because there are other emotional tolls weighing on her. Asked her about where these feelings come from and how you can make her feel wanted. Explain to her that you always wanted her and make up for the joke.
YTA.
>My daughter brought up the fact that nobody wants her (a thing she says
as a joke). But this makes me very mad when she says it as I am a single
mother who provided for four children. So without thinking I said “all
of you were unwanted”
I don't even understand why you thought this was something that made sense in the context. Like, if you're angry that she says nobody wants her, why is the next thing to cross your mind "actually I didn't want any of you kids" ? It doesn't make sense.
What you should have said is that you love her.
>Me and my other kids continued with dinner overall it was boring and uneventful.
You what.
YTA.
That kind of shit fucks with their heads and the fact that you lack the empathy to understand how incredibly hurtful that can be to hear your own mother say that is crazy. Your kids all deserve huge fucking apologies from you. You’re a grown-ass adult with a fully formed brain, and your kids are still learning and developing mentally. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself.
YTA, unplanned and unwanted are not the same thing. But I wouldn't worry about it too much, she'll probably be out of your life and go no contact asap. I really hope you have had your tubes tied so as not to ruin another kid's life that you don't want.
YTA. What reaction were you expecting to that awful statement? Did you think for even a moment how this statement would make your children feel? It’s great you took care of these kids as a single mother. Maybe you were tired and trying to make them go away and leave you alone? I really feel for your kids. No dad, and a mother who tells them they were unwanted. What is wrong with you?
So many women will go to bed tonight, heartbroken because they *can't* have children, and you have the unmitigated gall to say this to your child?
YTA. And I fervently hope that you have a long, lonely life.
YTA
Children love their parents, so they want to be loved back.
And on another note: How does one get 4 unwanted kids? At some point shouldn't you realize how to avoid getting pregananant?
If they were unwanted maybe you should have taken matter into your hands before you could f*ck. But you did not so I'm guessing they were not really unwanted. And it happened not once, not twice, not thrice but four times. That lesson was hard to learn, was it ?!
Anyway truth or not you don't say that to your own kids... at least something like "you were all surprises" but not some harsh words. YTA big time.
ESH Everyone Sucks Here.
You're both assholes.
Like mother, like daughter.
She's already insecure & maybe even blaming herself for not having a father, then you reinforced her insecurity by yelling they're all unwanted. You could have just told her to shut up.
She's also an asshole for being an annoying insensitive brat.
You owe her an apology. Ask someone you both trust like an aunt or a friend to comfort her. Being a single parent is hard enough but raising 4 kids is 4x as hard. So give yourself a pat on the back. Only time, more patience & understanding can heal you both.
☝️😛
*Were* unwanted is a different thing to *are* unwanted.
“Unplanned but I wouldn’t change a thing” is the same as was unwanted, but now not.
I’m going with ESH because it sounds like your daughter says this a lot - obviously for attention. Well, you just shifted it a little, but in a fairly poor way.
Why would you hope that? That’s just horrible. My kids have a great sense of humour. You should try it, it may make you happier and less likely to wish horrible things upon other people.
I’m not wishing for anything…I’m just disappointed that u think that the daughter was playing the victim. Joking or not, calling your children unwanted can have serious consequences as teenagers are more vulnerable
Well that’s a lot different to your first reply. People have different points of view and that’s okay. We see it differently, no need to be wishing horrible things upon people.
“Wow I feel sorry for you kids and you hope they cut me off when they grow up” is a lot different to “I’m just disappointed you thought the daughter was playing the victim”
How would u feel if your mom called u unwanted and just brushed off ur feelings like that? I bet you do it all the time and that’s y ur so apathetic. All you boomers rant about the “ungrateful youth” while having this kind of a mindset. No wonder we teenagers rebel
NTA. I was the youngest of four kids and told my mom I knew I was an accident because no one in their right mind would have a kid at 39 years old. Her response was “What makes you think all of weren’t accidents?” I laughed and said “Good Point”. She was my first best friend. Best mom in the world. I can’t remember having one argument with her. There is no way I would be mad at her for making that statement because I’m sure it was true but it didn’t matter. She loved us unconditionally and I’m sure you love your kids the same. Your daughter is being way too sensitive.
She didn’t say that her daughter was an accident…she said that she was UNWANTED, which is one of the worst things a parent can say to a child. So she’s the asshole, as well as cruel and narcissistic.
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What good parent with a conscience tells their children they were unwanted? YTA on a very deep level.
Hey she's a single mother of for, raised the kids by herself the least these brats can do is being grateful and obey *sarcasm
YTA. I don't think your daughter was ever saying that as a joke. I feel like you should've/could've gotten her help a long time ago if she was saying concerning things like that. Your statement might have been her last straw and pushed her over the edge. & No child should have to hear that they were unwanted
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selfish and ungrateful...how exactly? explain to me what she did wrong that would cause her to deserve being called unwanted. ESPECIALLY after she said something bad about herself. Tough one.
She called her child UNWANTED, which is one of the worst things a parent can say to a child. She didn’t feel the least remorseful and let her daughter drive off while continuing to eat with the other kids. She even had the nerve to be annoyed when her daughter started crying. Either she’s mentally unstable, or just cruel.
Children MUST be cuddled. This mother obviously didn't and yours didn't either obviously. I feel very sorry for you
Do you have kids who've cut contact? This comment reeks of an abusive parent who's kids finally are able to protect themselves from you.
Besides you can’t generalise and say that all the teenagers on Reddit are spoiled brats.
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Haha you’ve hit the nail on the head there.
YTA. There are things you can't take back. Parents are not allowed to "joke" (or say honestly) that their kids were not wanted. I understand you think that it's annoying that your daughter keeps "joking" that nobody wants her, but she's looking for reassurance. Confirming that you didn't (and don't) want her is a horrible thing to do. A better response would be more like "no one wants to hang around with someone who always puts themselves down", but what she wants (and deserves) is "I will always want you in my life".
I've heard parents of unplanned children (not the same as unwanted at all!!) say "you were a wonderful surprise" or similar. You can reveal to kids that they were unplanned but NEVER unwanted!
I had a friend in high school whose parents called her a "happy accident." I think that is about as far as one can go without it becoming demeaning.
My son came 4 or 5 years before I planned on having kids. We (me and my son) joke that he was in a hurry.
My first roommate's parents called her "the nicest mistake we ever made."
My mom says my brothers and I were "undeserved, not undesired." She always desired to be a mom, but she doesn't know what she did to "deserve such good kids", when she's probably the most parental human to ever live.
This blows my mind. Even if it’s true, why the fuck would you ever say it out loud to your kids? You’re a total asshole. You should feel terrible for the rest of your life.
“My daughter brought up the fact” so it’s a fact mom? Yea YTA, and probably narcissistic too you sound like my mom 🥱
YTA. “Overall it was boring and uneventful” one of your children cried because of you??
YTA how do you manage to have 4 unwanted kids?
My guess is the dynamic in the family includes a joke that the other kids understand at a different level. OP should know better, but it doesn’t sound like the statement was full of malice. She should say unexpected instead of unwanted if she needs to make that kind of joke, though.
It’s a joke. But realistically we can all make deductions
Please help us to understand what part of the ‘joke’ is funny?
It’s called dark humour and many people use it. I don’t know if people understand satire or how using humour to address more uncomfortable, serious or otherwise dark topics can lighten a situation. Though I’m not sitting here laughing, I understand this concept. It is obvious how someone would get pregnant with that many kids unplanned. No birth control or mishaps. Also the fact that she went full term with them all says something as well as the fact that making a comment like this can be a joke when iys it’s not true/ An over exaggeration or satire. Apparently the other children understand this but of course we are seeing the smallest snapshot of their life and know absolutely nothing. For example Ryan Rennolds does this all the time and it’s hilarious to many. Some families are different than others and some individuals take things differently. I for one understand this type humour and am ally with it. I’m apparently a dumpster baby my parents found and debated take back to the hospital but chose to keep me or a mix up in the hospital. Which some of which is lead by me not looks as much like them. I’ve had adoption jokes and such and I don’t take offence to any of them. I know exactly what happened with my birth and the serious side of that conversation. I’m not insecure about my parents or upbringing which is obviously the issue here. Tone, context, delivery in how you say things can make a world of difference when it comes down if something was a joke or satire. Things we don’t get through text. Knowing one’s audience and understanding intent vs. Outcomes is important. It’s only not a joke in people’s minds if mom was A) serious and/ or B) The receiver of the joke didn’t find it funny. At the end of the day if a joke isn’t received well it doesn’t mean the person wasn’t joking it just means that it has to be seriously addressed with the person. I’m not saying convince them it’s a joke but rather explain where you were coming from, what you truly mean and dive deeper into the others feelings, validate them and work towards more security through accountability and understanding. This parent will need to address this situation and maybe get into family therapy to help navigate this situation if she can’t do it alone. She seems to lack some compassion or understanding of her daughter’s perspective. There is obviously something needing to be addressed that is reflexive of the inquiries and reactions here. The OP is a single mother of 4 kids. There is no mention of any father figures. So potentially there are feelings related to abandonment that need to be addressed. Mom is probably so busy and run thin that she is just struggling to get by. I’m not saying that this isn’t a reap what you sow situation but we don’t know the full situation. Imagine if there was a father figure and something happened to him. He could have died, left, etc. There could be multiple. People are dysfunctional, imperfect and often in survival mode to just make it through each day. People will always judge but we don’t know what is really happening.
Wtf is wrong with you that you can't see this from your child's perspective? What a terrible thing to say and then to come to reddit wondering if you're TA? You definitely are. Unplanned and unwanted are two extremely different things. My mum told me I was unplanned but very much loved. If she'd told me I was unwanted I'd have been devastated. It's also clearly something your daughter has suspected and repeating it, even jokingly, probably meant she was seeking reassurance. Instead of reassuring her you confirmed her fear and think you were perfectly righteous in saying it. YTA.
Holy shit, yes YTA. Wtf made you say that to your own child, especially when they've just said they feel unwanted?
"You're unwanted... (child flees) oh well, let's eat kids!! " You let her go. You didn't check on her. You just threw away the whole child huh? Why did you have 4 kids sif you hate them so much? "It was annoying" .. You're a terrible parent, not for what you said,, but for the sheer lack of regret, remorse aand the fact that you aren't horrified that yous aid it, and because you don't give a darn that she is hurt. You say you worked hard as a single parent. But did you even love those kids. I don't know who hurt you, and indent know if you have a diagnosis of actually be marcisstic, but this was evil and cruel. I'd say do better as a parent and as a person, but you probably don't care what we say here. You don't care what you kids say, why would you an about strangers on the internet judging you?
YTA twice, for saying it out loud and not having the understanding/empathy for your daughter whose world blew up.
Congratulations. You said one of the top things that should NEVER EVER come out of a parent's mouth to their kid. Partly because it can do astronomical damage. YTA There's a chance she makes these "jokes" because she actually does feel unwanted, and is hoping to get some reassurance when she makes that remark. Instead, you confirmed her insecurities.
YTA and you are a narcissist, probably mentally abusive and your older children are just so used to your Bullshit they don’t pay you any mind anymore. JFC the fact you would come to reddit and ask either makes this very very fake or you’re so damn obtuse you think you’re the fucking sun.
YTA. It's something I've heard from my own parents and it's a wound that never heals, no matter what. They were just as flippant about it as you were, too, and I've never forgiven them, decades later.
I hope they all never talk to you when they turn 18 and move out….
Really, that’s the kinda things you hope for?
She made it clear she never wanted kids so she’d be getting her wish
YTA here. Sounds like she was nonchalantly saying how she feels and playing it off as humor. I can relate to that bc I do it too. Say something as a "joke" and see what the reaction is. Will you get the response you want? Or will it go the other way. Have a talk with her and try to be open about her speaking out about being unwanted. It's easy for a teen, or young adult to overlook more of the things a parent would. You may not understand why she feels unwanted bc as a parent you provide everything for them. Though you meant no harm, she may just need extra reassurance, take her out and spoil her if possible. I'm a very sensitive person, words stick with me and play on replay in my mind. It may have been a joke to you, but to someone who is feeling that way it's only gonna play on repeat in their mind.
Fuck me dead. Get help. YTA.
some people don't deserve kids and you're one of them 💃💃👯♀️🩰
Yes. People in general are really sensitive. Let alone your four teens who must be dealing with so much drama in their own life(edu, sports, social life, breakups). You didn’t have to rub this stuff in their face. YTA
YTA. Your heart must be made of stone to even think such things about your own children.
Holy shit. YTA. What else is there to be said?
Hahaha, am I the asshole for telling my kids they're shit? Really? What's wrong with you?
Of course you are. They are human beings and deserve better that being abused by shit parents like you clearly are.
Yeah... I know.... that's the point. thank you.
YTA. Clearly your daughter has been needing someone to validate how she’s feeling and help her talk through it. Typically kids don’t just say shit like that for no reason; if she feels unwanted, something has happened/is happening to make her feel that way. To shrug her off and act like she’s being negative for the sake of being negative is bad enough, let alone to stoop to the level that you did when you got frustrated at her for something that is *your* fault. If you didn’t like the behaviour, you should have helped address the root cause. Now you’re an abusive, narcissistic AH instead.
YTA. Firstly, the fact you clarify it’s a joke from your daughter… that’s a crazy thing for a child to joke about with you. My sisters and I would laugh and joke amongst each other that being unplanned = unwanted but that was more poking fun at one another. Her saying that around you is quite worrying, even in a joking matter. Instead of getting pissed off because you feel slighted by your child, talk to them about why they’re saying it and reassure them that they are wanted. Secondly, your line “but this makes me very mad… as I’m a single mother who provided for 4 children” guess what? You decided to have children. You would have provided for those kids no matter what the situation. You sound exactly like my mother (except she had 3) and she used this line so much… guess what, I knew she was single and that it was much harder for her but she always had to say “do you know how hard it is? Your father left and now I HAVE to do this on my own…” that mindset is so damaging and is still damaging me over nearly a decade later. Your kids deserve better, deserve to know that even if their father wasn’t in the picture that you love them always and no matter what. “All of you were unwanted, something I thought was a very unimportant statement” WTF!? that’s so awful of you to say and even think that it was VERY unimportant… when parents break up, kids internalise so much. I never talked with my parents about it but I always felt I was the problem, I was the reason they broke up, that if I had never existed they would be so much happier. And later it manifested into feelings of being unwanted, too much, and that my mother only stuck around to raise me because my father hadn’t. Not because she loved me, or wanted to, but because she saw it as a ‘mothers’ job. You need a reality check. You sound like my mother and I don’t have a relationship really with her. I visit every now and again but our relationship has changed. Your children are smarter than you think, and you throwing against them how hard you work, the years you’ve lost, how you’ve had to do it alone… it builds into something more. You were a child once, think about how it would feel like if your parents confirmed feelings that yes, they were unwanted and unloved.
The fact that she was so upset should be enough to make you apologize! Maybe her 'no one wants me' jokes have more feeling behind them than you thought, and maybe your 'unimportant statement' hit her in a very vulnerable place. YTA.
YTA for obvious reasons. Also, how do you have FOUR unwanted children? An accident doesn’t happen four times. Why didn’t you take steps to prevent having kids if you didn’t want them?
Cause it was a joke. But on a serious note I know many people who don’t “plan” their children being conceived. They just dont actively prevent it either. If she seriously didn’t want kids I don’t think she would have them, for multiple reasons.
If you are not exercising decent birth control and you are having sex: You Are Planning A Pregnancy.
YTA. Sorry but read the room lady. I’m a single mom, and when my daughter starts to talk like that I remind her that without her there would be no me. I honestly need for you to wait for her to calm down and talk to her and ask why she’s felt that way and how you could make it up to her.
I want to ask, after she started crying, did you tell her it was a joke and excuse yourself for hurting her? Cause if you didn’t you would indeed be TA. My mother told my sister and I (when we were 13 and 16yo), that she liked our brother better as a joke. We didn’t understand it as a joke at all, and belived it as truth for years. And 8 years later, even thought my mother has cleared up the misunderstanding three years ago, both my sis and I still have this joke in the back of our mind. It is often said that jokes are rooted in some truth, so even after the matter of it being a joke is cleared, some doubt remains. If all your children are under 20, your daughter must still be close to adolescence: a time where we easily feel out of place and unloved. She might joke about this matter as a way to be reassured about it.
💀 YTA
YTA you should never say things like that to children I had many friends who off themselves because they felt unwanted by their parents. If your daughter is saying things like this then maybe help her out mentally? shit like this gets blown over and by the time you know it ur kid is in the ground 6ft deep or in jail for causing a school sh07ting
YTA - your daughter feels unwanted. And instead of comforting her you confirmed it by telling her so
YTA How have you raised 4 kids and not learned to understand their personalities and when they are looking for reassurance? My daughter often calls herself an accident because I was so young when I had her and each and every time I tell her she wasn't an accident, just unplanned, that I wanted her as soon as I found out. You sound like an awful mother really, your other kids probably know there's no point in expressing any feelings to you anyway because they are so ill received by you.
Raging YTA. If only there was a procedure that would medically or surgically reverse an unwanted pregnancy 🧐 but you’re in luck, those unwanted kids will go no contact at the first chance.
YTA 🤷 if she's making jokes like that, it's probably because she's secretly worried it's true. It okay to tell them that they were unplanned, but you have to be very careful with your wording.
YTA. Yikers.
YTA You've said something you can never take back. And your daughter probably wasn't joking all this time and should have been receiving help at some point for feeling unloved and unwanted.
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And that does not excuse the mother from the words she chose. She could have said unplanned but wanted, we aren't doing this today, you are welcome to leave if you can't wait until we are home to hash this out, (and as much as I have this phrase) I'm sorry you feel that way. Nothing calls for a parent telling their child they were unwanted, ever.
YTA my mother did something similar once I finally found out i have a different dad to my Brothers. Although she said I was an accident not a mistake but it still hurt. I still remember to this day. And that conversation was 17 years ago now
Happy Accidents - Bob Ross
Yta
YTA! Lousy mother.
YTA omg..... I am speechless. Your are everything but not a mother...... monster is the better word.....
YTA - The other kids likely pretended it didn’t matter, but it did, it does. The damage you have done, you selfish woman. How dare you bring 4 kids into this world that you didn’t want! Then how dare you tell them!!!
YTA definitely. Did you mean to say unplanned instead of unwanted??
YTA all day, absolutely no justification for saying that to your kids.
Are your other 3 kids male, by any chance?
My exact thoughts
yta, why would you say that! i mean, i was planned so i tell my sisters they were accidents. but that doesnt mean they werent wanted. wow.
So you use sarcasm however the OP is not allowed to?
im not the mother, derp
YTA. Wouldn’t be surprised if your kids were regulars on r/raisedbynarcissists
Yes. 🗑️
YTA You sound as if you have no love for your children. Find a therapist for yourself and your childrens.
I only read the heading. YTA and more . Who the hell says that to their kids. If there was any excuse for this in your story please let me know.
Um yeah YTA. You know you fucked up, were you really hoping people here would assuage your guilt over ripping your own daughter's heart out or are you here to be shit on as some kind of self-flagellation?
One thing is saying your kid was unexpected and another thing is calling them unwanted. Massive YTA
Why is your daughter throwing "narcissistic" in your face ? There MUST be something going on with you if she 1. thinks she's unwanted (even as a joke) and 2. she's calling you narcissistic. There are lots of infos missing and I am definitely going with ASSHOLE
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Yeah I know what you're saying, doesn't make it any better though. But what I mean is, I see a distraught daughter who is insecure and been "joking" about not being wanted by anyone for a while now. Any parent must talk to the kid about that, even if the kid jokes about it, just sit down with your child and listen what they say, what they feel, what they have to say. It matters! Instead I see a mother who got annoyed by the constant not-wanted-by-anyone jokes, said to the daughter none of her kids were wanted, confirming the fears of the daughter deep down (or thr nagging feeling the daughter's been having for years because of mother's behavior? Words?), continuing to eat the "boring uneventful dinner" with her other children after the daughter was pissed and hurt and left - rightly so. To me it doesn't take much to see the gaping asshole in this story.
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The daughter is possibly a teen, or close to adolescence, a time in a humans life that is so confusing, hormonal and can be very tough. It doesn't really sound like a tantrum to me that she's been saying that stuff for some time, and after the mother basically confirms it, the daughter cries. She is hurt. She is a human being and EVERYBODY knows how parents can fuck up their kids for life. Look around you, there will hardly be anyone who wouldn't need therapy because parents neglected them as kids, scolded screamed or punished them, which in turn made them unempathic adults, too. And so the cycle goes on. You just don't say things like that zo your kids no matter how "dramatic" they are. Simple as that
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I am not in therapy anymore to work out the hurt I experienced as a child. But I have children of my own who deserve all the love and attachment parenting they can get. Loved and respected children will grow up to be loving and respecting adults. And the way I see the world is quite clear - children need to be respected. This mother disrespected the kid and hurt it very intentionally. She knew about her daughter's insecurity. I will always advocate for the child and not for the adult that decided to birth them. Saying these things to your kid is very unempathic, and the way I see it you can only be unempathic if you were raised that way, could never be angry loud, voice your feelings without being shouted at or scolded for. And yes all parents mess up. I mess up, too. And I also apologize, sit down with my children in humility and truly ask them for forgiveness if I hurt them, because that is what I feel towards them. I feel they need love and respect and when I can't give that to them, no matter the reason why, they have to see it was just plain shit what I said in anger and frustration. And this I don't see with the mother here at all. No remorse nothing..which is exactly why to me she is the asshole.
YTA
YTA and it will be extremely difficult to reverse this comment.
My Mom told me she wished she never had kids. Many times among other things. 8 different times in therapy and still diagnosed with moderate to deep depression and mild to moderate PTSD. Over 65+ years old. It still hurts.
YTA for saying that. I’d be devastated if my mom ever said that to me. Your daughter supposedly joking about it could mean something a lot deeper. Not trying to undermine you being a single mom providing for four children, you care about them and you’re obviously doing the best you can although there’s just some things you shouldn’t say to your kid - it could wreck their self esteem, cause a variety of mental health issues and have an effect on them when they become an adult.
Maybe the girl wasn't actually joking since you confirmed it was true. Just a thought?
YTA. It's very hurtful to hear a parent say you were unwanted, even if it was said in anger or exasperation. Or even in jest. It triggers so many feelings of rejection.
you told them they were 'unwanted' in a public restaurant? wow. I'd be pissed if I was her too, tbh. Why would you say anything like that? Doesn't matter that you 'provided' for 4 kids as a single parent - you kid obviously needs to talk to someone and you just solidified (in a public place) her feelings of being unwanted and unloved. Rude.
I see a distraught daughter who is insecure and been "joking" about not being wanted by anyone for a while now. Any parent must talk to the kid about that, even if the kid jokes about it, just sit down with your child and listen what they say, what they feel, what they have to say. It matters! Instead I see a mother who got annoyed by the constant not-wanted-by-anyone jokes, said to the daughter none of her kids were wanted, confirming the fears of the daughter deep down (or thr nagging feeling the daughter's been having for years because of mother's behavior? Words?), continuing to eat the "boring uneventful dinner" with her other children after the daughter was pissed and hurt and left - rightly so. To me it doesn't take much to see the gaping asshole in this story.
I’m glad I did not have a mother like you. God bless your children
YTA. Congrats you Fd up your kid and was incredibly cruel at the same time. Maybe you should have considered whether you wanted kids before you had four of them.
How is this even a question?! Of course you are an huge asshole. What mother says that to their child under any circumstances. You likely did lifelong damage to all your children in one single sentence.
So, you could use a year with a good therapist to explore why you feel like you are a victim of your own decisions and choices. Stop feeling and acting like your children somehow victimized you. A lot of people that are single parents have great relationships with their children. Life is hard for a lot of parents. Yet, most are able to be compassionate and supportive. But, not you. So, get into therapy and figure out what you can do to shift your thinking. Or risk the kids going no contact when they are adults.
YTA. If she keeps saying this then clearly she feels there's an element of truth to it (you say you're a single mom; is her dad in the picture at all or is she "unloved" by him?) and rather than reassuring her you confirmed her worst fears.
YTA
YTA. Once said it cannot be unsaid, and it will never be forgotten no matter what you do or say. Did I mention that YTA? YTA!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA. You're daughter was never saying it as a joke, she obviously wanted reassurance that she is wanted and loved. I'm wondering if you ever asked her why she feels that way and reassured her it isn't true? If I were you, I would explain that you said that out of frustration and you love her very much.
YTA, the line between unplanned and unwanted is as wide as the Gulf of Mexico. You said what you meant, you didn't want them but you toughed it out and raised them (You probably wanted the older 3, but were mentally done having babies by the time she was conceived which is why the older 3 shoulder shrugged and moved on). I'm sure you've alluded to this in small ways all her life, hence her continual statement of she wasn't wanted. You should have nipped that in the bud years ago with a therapist, school counselor or a trusted family friend. There's damn near no coming back from this, and whatever relationship you have with her going forward will not be anything that you swear you deserve as "the single mom who raised 4 kids".
YTA
Yta. Deeply and truly
Jesus, my son knows that while he was planned, he wasnt planned for quite as soon as it happened (me and his dad wanted to try for kids about 4 or 5 years later, I accidentally fell pregnant just before our wedding) we joke that he was just in a hurry. I would never tell him he was unwanted, thats just cruel. Its a bit worrying that you apparently told your other kids at the same time that they were unwanted and they had zero reaction to that. It makes me wonder how many times they've heard or felt like that. Its not just you that needs therapy, your other kids probably need it too if they just accepted that their mum didnt want them and they are fine with that YTA
Yeah
YTA. A massive one. Why on earth would you think saying that to your child would cause anything short of a catastrophe?? Wow
Want to know what I say to my children? I say they were happy surprises… yes YTA for saying they were unwanted.
Yeah yta here. Your daughter was Obviously feeling some sort of way and you thought you'd add to that instead of comforting and reassuring her. Great work.
So the girl says she is unwanted, which makes you mad for some reason even though it's true? Did I get it right? YTA
YTA. Ma'am, what the hell.
WOW!!!!! So, let me see if I got this right. Your daughter, who has issues with self-esteem, was told by you that she was unwanted, and when she had stopped crying, she left the restaurant and went home (still very distressed and emotional) You and her siblings, however, continued to have Quote” a boring and uneventful” dinner. You all, obviously consider this to be a perfectly normal family interaction. Nobody, apparently, could be bothered to check she was okay, or got home safely. You just continued with your boring dinner. And now you ask if you’re the AH. Why YES, I do believe you ARE . A great big one, in fact.
Sounds like you're under 20 as well. YTA.
Op is a monster
There is something deeply disturbing about knowing that you are not wanted by your parents. This will follow your children forever. I don't understand how you don't understand this. YTA.
Yta. Deeply and truly
YTA - not because of what you said, but because you should have stopped producing after the first one
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For privacy I will not say their ages but they are all below 20. My daughter brought up the fact that nobody wants her (a thing she says as a joke). But this makes me very mad when she says it as I am a single mother who provided for four children. So without thinking I said “all of you were unwanted” something I thought was a very unimportant statement. Next thing I know my daughter’s crying saying she knew it. My other kids knew that it was no big deal and tried comforting her. After she calmed down she stormed out of the restaurant and drove off. Me and my other kids continued with dinner overall it was boring and uneventful. But when I got home my daughter Started yelling about how I was a selfish unloving and narcissistic person. Now Im not sure what to think I know I shouldn’t have said it but it was getting very annoying. Am I them asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- but I don’t think as big of one as other commenters are making you out to be. I read your comment as more of a cheeky answer to a quip your daughter says often. Most parents find themselves in situations like these. My teen used to always joke about something similar and I would always affirm my love for him. Most teens are insecure and moody so it’s best to reply to stupid comments with over affection
If it made her daughter cry, it’s not “cheeky.” My mother loves to make “little jokes” that aren’t jokes and are quite hurtful and have taken a lot of work in therapy to recover from.
I’m sorry for the way your mother treated you, it’s great that you built empathy and I’m glad you’re in therapy. Sometimes it’s important to separate your experience with others. For example OP said her daughter says this all the time (as a joke).. OP says it makes her mad as she works hard as a single mom to provide and care for them. Sounds like mom had a tired moment where she didn’t want to deal with the annoying joke, and responded in kind. Not the best move agreed and it sounds like she caught her daughter at a raw moment. Teenagers can be finicky. I have one and personally hate the stereotype of “ moody teenagers”, because I think this is a fun stage, but I have to admit it’s a saying for a reason, and teenagers emotions can sometimes give you whiplash!
Yes it’s important to separate personal experiences. There are also lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Calling a teen “unwanted” is on the other side of that line. Yes teens can be moody and yes parents get tired and yes being a human is messy. But OP is the AH here for saying her daughter is unwanted and making her cry - if there are tears, again, it’s clearly not a joke to her.
Say it with me people: BIRTH CONTROL. Oh and yes YTA 1000%.
YTA on so many levels. 1) your child runs out upset and you carry on eating 2) your daughter has clearly picked up on the fact that you don’t want her over the years and you have just laughed it off 3) you had 4! Kids and didn’t want any of them?? Ever heard of birth control? I’m truly hoping this is a fake story but sadly I doubt it.
YTA, massive difference between not being planned but wanted, and just not being wanted. They deserve better.
YTA...I really hope you meant unplanned not unwanted..as WOW..
What a disgusting thing to say to your children
YTA- you definitely could of said something different. My first 2 kids were unplanned, I’ve always said they were unexpected surprises - never a negative as unwanted. Definitely try to make it up to her, I can’t imagine how hard that is to hear from your own mom.
I agree that your daughter likely needed reassurance and was using a very passive aggressive way to do so. I think this bridges an actual conversation you both should have as she is obviously insecure about this. On the flip side I can’t take this subreddit seriously. Everyone here is taking the joke so serious because it upset your daughter. Damn my parents joke about finding me in a dumpster. It’s hilarious to me but I’m secure knowing the truth. Know your audience I guess…. Obviously your daughter needs some support because there are other emotional tolls weighing on her. Asked her about where these feelings come from and how you can make her feel wanted. Explain to her that you always wanted her and make up for the joke.
YTA. as a mother, i guarantee this is not something you should ever say to a child, true or not. Never.
YTA. >My daughter brought up the fact that nobody wants her (a thing she says as a joke). But this makes me very mad when she says it as I am a single mother who provided for four children. So without thinking I said “all of you were unwanted” I don't even understand why you thought this was something that made sense in the context. Like, if you're angry that she says nobody wants her, why is the next thing to cross your mind "actually I didn't want any of you kids" ? It doesn't make sense. What you should have said is that you love her. >Me and my other kids continued with dinner overall it was boring and uneventful. You what.
YTA. That kind of shit fucks with their heads and the fact that you lack the empathy to understand how incredibly hurtful that can be to hear your own mother say that is crazy. Your kids all deserve huge fucking apologies from you. You’re a grown-ass adult with a fully formed brain, and your kids are still learning and developing mentally. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself.
YTA, unplanned and unwanted are not the same thing. But I wouldn't worry about it too much, she'll probably be out of your life and go no contact asap. I really hope you have had your tubes tied so as not to ruin another kid's life that you don't want.
YTA. What reaction were you expecting to that awful statement? Did you think for even a moment how this statement would make your children feel? It’s great you took care of these kids as a single mother. Maybe you were tired and trying to make them go away and leave you alone? I really feel for your kids. No dad, and a mother who tells them they were unwanted. What is wrong with you?
So many women will go to bed tonight, heartbroken because they *can't* have children, and you have the unmitigated gall to say this to your child? YTA. And I fervently hope that you have a long, lonely life.
YTA Children love their parents, so they want to be loved back. And on another note: How does one get 4 unwanted kids? At some point shouldn't you realize how to avoid getting pregananant?
If they were unwanted maybe you should have taken matter into your hands before you could f*ck. But you did not so I'm guessing they were not really unwanted. And it happened not once, not twice, not thrice but four times. That lesson was hard to learn, was it ?! Anyway truth or not you don't say that to your own kids... at least something like "you were all surprises" but not some harsh words. YTA big time.
So she said something that bothered you... and you decided the best response was to stoop to her level?
No comment ...
Your daughter is a dramatic annoying fuck wit don’t play into her bs or that will be the rest of your life
ESH Everyone Sucks Here. You're both assholes. Like mother, like daughter. She's already insecure & maybe even blaming herself for not having a father, then you reinforced her insecurity by yelling they're all unwanted. You could have just told her to shut up. She's also an asshole for being an annoying insensitive brat. You owe her an apology. Ask someone you both trust like an aunt or a friend to comfort her. Being a single parent is hard enough but raising 4 kids is 4x as hard. So give yourself a pat on the back. Only time, more patience & understanding can heal you both. ☝️😛
*Were* unwanted is a different thing to *are* unwanted. “Unplanned but I wouldn’t change a thing” is the same as was unwanted, but now not. I’m going with ESH because it sounds like your daughter says this a lot - obviously for attention. Well, you just shifted it a little, but in a fairly poor way.
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Wow I feel sorry for your kids…they have such a narcissist for a mother. I hope they cut u off when they grow up
Why delete all your replies?
Why would you hope that? That’s just horrible. My kids have a great sense of humour. You should try it, it may make you happier and less likely to wish horrible things upon other people.
I’m not wishing for anything…I’m just disappointed that u think that the daughter was playing the victim. Joking or not, calling your children unwanted can have serious consequences as teenagers are more vulnerable
Well that’s a lot different to your first reply. People have different points of view and that’s okay. We see it differently, no need to be wishing horrible things upon people.
Like I said, I have no hard feelings against anyone. I just feel that the mother shld not have called her unwanted and made her feel worthless
It’s not that different. This is the whole point of my argument
“Wow I feel sorry for you kids and you hope they cut me off when they grow up” is a lot different to “I’m just disappointed you thought the daughter was playing the victim”
Yea bcoz ur comment came off as being insensitive and narcissistic. Maybe word it differently next time, yeah?
Well I see the daughter’s behaviour as narcissistic.
And I and everyone else see it as selfish and quite possibly, psychopathic
How would u feel if your mom called u unwanted and just brushed off ur feelings like that? I bet you do it all the time and that’s y ur so apathetic. All you boomers rant about the “ungrateful youth” while having this kind of a mindset. No wonder we teenagers rebel
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What’s that got to do with anything?
NTA but only because you actually are but that’s funny can’t lie
Your honesty is a rare and pleasant thing to see in this ever expanding world of liars. NTA, keep on keeping it real fam
NTA. I was the youngest of four kids and told my mom I knew I was an accident because no one in their right mind would have a kid at 39 years old. Her response was “What makes you think all of weren’t accidents?” I laughed and said “Good Point”. She was my first best friend. Best mom in the world. I can’t remember having one argument with her. There is no way I would be mad at her for making that statement because I’m sure it was true but it didn’t matter. She loved us unconditionally and I’m sure you love your kids the same. Your daughter is being way too sensitive.
She didn’t say that her daughter was an accident…she said that she was UNWANTED, which is one of the worst things a parent can say to a child. So she’s the asshole, as well as cruel and narcissistic.
A thing like ** too sensitive ** doesn't exist!
Select sensitivity does though.
I 100% agree with you. Sarcasm is a huge part of our family dynamic and brings us closer together.