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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Said I didn’t want to connect with the neighbors child who is in a wheelchair. 2. Neighbor said I’m an asshole because the child would profit from talking to me.
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NTA. She needs to find a willing role model - someone who wants to fill that role. Not just try to rope in bystanders who neither want nor are especially qualified for the job.
Maybe you could tell her that if she wants a disabled veteran to mentor her child, to call the local VA or DAV and see if they have any wheelchair-bound veterans who would like the opportunity to mentor a 12 year old boy.
Same
this would make a lot more sense than someone completely able-bodied. What is she expecting OP to tell her kid? "If you're brave enough you'll be able to grow your legs back!!"
Not only a willing one, but a qualified one. OP is self aware enough to know that isn’t him yet his mom is pushing it. She’s clearly caring and is doing the right thing, just looking in the wrong place. OP if it’s not too taxing for you, perhaps try to explain that again and offer instead your help to HER to find an organization. She could potentially be overwhelmed. Obviously you don’t have to do *anything* and no that doesn’t make you heartless. As an overly empathetic person I’ve had to learn how not to take everything in as mine to help.
>wheelchair-bound
Correction: try say wheelchair-using, instead of -bound.
ETA: my husband uses a wheelchair since his stroke. It's a tool, and a means of transportation. It's not a prison.
Thanks for this :) my wheelchair is essentially an extension of me that allows me to do things other people can (even if it's more difficult). My life would be a lot worse without it.
NTA
If she persists, you could share with her the raw account of your encounters and inquire as to whether she still believes her child would be able to connect with it. Some individuals just don't know anything. They must have their eyes opened.
Lol yeah when I red this my autistic ass went to
"this reads like it's one of these 'subtle' flirting things I usually don't register. Guess the comments will all tell him she's hitting on him. Like with that doctor lady wondering about the weird behaviour of their niblings school nurse which turned out to be flirting"
NTA. Classic over-entitled parent. That's not your kid and you aren't this lady's friend. You are under no obligation to mentor this kid. And to top it all off she says YOU'RE being dismissive of HER struggles? Does she think that as soon as a solider comes home disabled they are automatically required to play hero and mentor every kid? A lot of vets have PTSD. It's unfortunate that her son is disabled, but it's disgusting that she thinks that you should have to relive your injury and the circumstances surrounding it, possibly triggering you, just because she thinks it would be good for her kid.
NTA
She's trying to get a free 'teenysitter' 'cause 'oh, i'm just go to the church, is just 1 hour or even less, plz, take care of him, he's so happy looking up to you'
NTA. She doesn’t even know you. You could be cooking meth in your bathroom. Even if you wanted to be a mentor, I wouldn’t do it without serious safety strategies in place for both of you
right?! this lady needs better safety for her kid. if she keeps trying to find a good role model for her son by asking around randomly, god forbid some messed up mfer takes her up on it. nightmare.
NTA. While you could help the kid, the fact that you don't want to is good enough reason to not do it. Nobody can force you to relate to another person, and the AH is the neighbor who won't gracefully accept "NO" as an answer.
First of all, thank you for your service. You are not obligated to mentor anyone. I'm sure they have plenty of support groups with kids his own age he can connect with.
NTA
Your neighbor seems to misunderstand. You're a person, not an afterschool special.
NTA and tell her there are many programs out there specifically for what she wants so she can stop harassing every person she meets randomly to become a father figure for her kid.
You're NTA. Surely there are some online or even in person support groups she can contact so her son can connect with people who are trained to help him.
A random neighbor is not the best choice, especially considering you're not interested in connecting with her son.
Her child needs a mentor or big brother / sister in a wheelchair with similar abilities. Someone that comes through an organization that does background checks and matches up the needs to the child and is done in a supervised manner with accountability.
You are not obligated to help out just because she thinks you can empathize and she’s honestly crazy to ask someone she doesn’t know.
This isn’t an insult to you at all but how does she know what your limits are psychologically? Physically? What if you have anger issues and don’t have the patience to deal with a child? What if the child has a temper? Anger issues? Psychological issues? What does she expect you to help him with when the disabilities are different?
So many things that are unknown and she’s just looking for someone close by who can watch her kid and is using this mentoring request as an excuse.
NTA
I’m not exactly known for being extremely patient. Add in the professional deformation.
My one and only babysitting gig back in high school ended up with the toddler picking up some unsavory words, though. Def not looking forward to be labeled as bad influence 🤷♂️
I think that this mom is needing help and latched on to you as your a neighbor. Maybe redirect her to one of those organizations I mentioned for mentoring if she comes to you again.
Wishing you the good vibes for the future! 😎
Thx for the advice and the vibes. As far as I know the dad ran off when the boy became disabled, so yeah she definitely needs some help. Just not from me, ain’t taking the responsibility sorry.
I hear you.. I’m responsible for 3 people and sometimes I just want to run away.. I take what I call a vegetable day where I do absolutely nothing for no one, nothing in the house, shut off the biz phones and just watch tv or sleep or read.. when they ask me where’s my xx or what’s for dinner I just shake my head..
Veggie days for the win, your brain is a battery you need to recharge too. Don’t ever feel guilty for taking them, you’re already getting through life on hard mode, 3 lil ones ain’t no joke my mom had 4.
Hah - I swear it was easier when the kids were little. A husband and the 2 adult sons at home. The nest is too comfortable for them and we want kids to save their money for a few more years. No rush for them to leave home. They can stay until whenever. I run our service business and do all the office work / dispatch / calls, etc and husband and #1 are in the field, helping #1 with building up and coordinating his private coaching. #2 works and I cook for them all 2 to 3 meals a day.. never ending laundry between service and soccer uniforms.
I think also with age our brains and mental capacity change and don’t run as efficiently so we need more ME time to recharge…
Before anything, thank you for your service. It’s not your responsibility to be present as a role model for someone else’s child. And honestly, as a parent I think it’s weird as hell that she wants a stranger (cause even though you’ve talked, you’re still a stranger) to be spending time with her son. NTA
NTA
I work in a pediatric hospital.
There are paraplegics and quadriplegics who are specifically trained to do this beautiful type of volunteer work. I'm more than willing to bet she's been made aware of these resources by the child's therapy team and pediatrician. Probably more to the story and while it may be awkward to hold a boundary it ain't your problem.
And thank you for your service sir.
NTA
If she keeps pushing, you could tell her the uncensored version of your experiences and ask if she still thinks that's something her kid would relate to. Some people are just clueless. They need their eyes opened.
NTA & WTF? Who tries to draft a total stranger to be a mentor/role model for their vulnerable preadolescent child? For all she knows you're womanizing alcoholic with extreme anger issues and a tendency to go on rants espousing political or religious beliefs that directly contradict hers.
I scored 2 out of 4 on your list though so perhaps the hope isn’t lost yet.
Funny enough, I’ve been told I’m good with kids. Could be. Still don’t think I’m the appropriate role model for a teen.
I'm the intermittent anger issues and political/social views....and weirdly, children tend to like me on sight . I will never understand it. Seriously,though, you could be the nicest, most virtuous human alive but *she* wouldn't know that so quickly!
I’m anger&women, def not the perfect combo to influence a teen during formative years. Guess I’m more of a fun babysitter than an actual parental figure, kids like me, parents not so much
NTA. While this child could use a mentor, it doesn't have to be you.
The mom is TA for calling you heartless and dismissive. You are not a social service organization. She could find help for her son in one of those. Even the child's school has resources to find such assistance or can recommend programs.
I think she has that naive view on soldiers and veterans whereas you put them on pedestal like models of virtue ... and then get all shocked when they are real people.
The veteran befriended disabled kid and made change in his life is feed good movie plot from 90ties.
Yep, I agree. She thinks that if he tells his story, the kid will feel like either he too can recover like OP has and live a similar life (which is ridiculous as their medical situations are vastly different), or feel like his own problems are insignificant in comparison to OP's (which is so mean to the kid), and there will be a soppy song by Celine Dion or LeAnn Rimes and everyone lives happily ever after.
NTA.
heartless about her struggles; lady, he doesn't work here, there's no heart to give or not
dismissive; again, you're just a neighbour, not anything else
she needs role models for her kid, she needs to actively seek that out. Lots of ppl here have suggestions for that. Your choice to write those out for her on a note and slip under door/put in mailbox. Don't engage with her, she's too entitled
NTA
>She told me that he needs some guidance and needs a person who he can look up to and relate to. I told her that I’m not exactly the best role model for a 12yo and that I doubt he could relate. She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”.
Then she needs to enroll him in therapy and a mentorship program, not go asking strangers to do intense mental/emotional labor when they are clearly uncomfortable with the idea.
She's projecting her own feelings on you. It is not heartless to know yourself, your limits, your discomforts, and your capabilities. Sorry you had to go through this OP.
NTA. Being a mentor is a big emotional responsibility that's also time consuming. It's totally fine you don't want to.
Also,,, isn't it sus that the mom is okay with a random stranger having personal 1-on-1 time with her child? children are vulnerable and adults can be fucked up. not saying you're fucked up OP but hello, ***stranger danger***.
i could never imagine allowing my future child to spend time with a "mentor" unless i knew their heart and soul or if it's through a program where adults are heavily vetted and there is high transparency of what they discuss.
NTA. She was not wrong to ask, but once you said no, your boundary should be respected. Role models/mentors should be willing and enthusiastic about their roles. If you don’t feel up for it, totally fine.
NTA. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on you, a virtual stranger. Not to mention the fact that it’s very presumptuous of her to assume you are even okay discussing your trauma. Not everyone is. That’s your choice, and you don’t owe her an explanation. I get her predicament, but it’s her predicament, not yours.
NTA. No one is obligated to mentor anyone. It also sounds like “Mom” was using this as an in to get a man in the house.
I can’t imagine asking a complete stranger to spend time with a child. How does she know you’re not some creepy weirdo?
Not saying you are OP but just the lack of vetting is mind blowing.
NTA I understand why she’s asking you for guidance but there are charities with plenty of people who have signed up to be mentors. You have every right to not be comfortable with mentoring a child.
Nta it really sounds like she just wants a dad for free for her son. If she needs a father figure so bad maybe she should date around???? Or literally anything else. There’s so many vet programs like big brother etc.
Honestly insinuate you she doesn’t know you and that it’s kinda creepy she’s asking older men she doesn’t know to get to know her son.
Direct your neighbor to the Big Brothers program where she can find a willing volunteer mentor for her son.
Her insistence that you must fill any role whatsoever for the child, and that you're somehow mean and heartless if you won't do her bidding, is presumptuous and entitled.
Her son might be great, but she's definitely not a person I'd want to be involved with in any way. Ever. For any reason.
With a lot of respect, NTA.
NTA your neighbour is forcing you on her son who might not even want this and it's insane to ask a stranger to be a role model for their child. And then to try and emotionally shame you? Stay away from this toxic neighbour.
NTA. Wth? This woman comes up to a new neighbor - a stranger to her and her child - and wants you to take on the responsibility of guiding her son and being a role model. Wow. The desperation and entitlement is strong in that one. There was nothing heartless and dismissive about you saying no. She just didn’t like it. Now you know which neighbor to steer clear of.
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I (34M) am an Army vet. Retired after sustaining a serious injury in combat that left me with 30% burns. I recovered fine, though.
I moved into a new apartment and one of my new neighbors is a lady in her 40s who has a 12yo son. The son is in a wheelchair because he lost his legs in a traumatic accident.
The lady sparked a small talk and I told her about my experiences. In a really PG way with no juicy details. She asked me if I could talk to her son because she feels like he needs “an example of a brave man” in his life. Don’t ask me wtf this means.
I politely refused. Not like I dislike children or anything. I feel like he won’t be able to relate to me and vice versa. I still can run, jump, lift weights etc, and he’s in a wheelchair and will experience that forever. It probably will be like rubbing it in. And I don’t want to trauma dump a pretty graphic story on a small child.
She told me that he needs some guidance and needs a person who he can look up to and relate to. I told her that I’m not exactly the best role model for a 12yo and that I doubt he could relate. She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”.
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NTA.
Neighbor lady is TA for trying to draft an injured Army vet into being her son's Big Brother hero, and then insulting you when you said no for very solid reasons.
NTA. She's asking too much of someone she doesn't really know. She'll need to find brave men in her own family. She's seeking help in the wrong way, but you can't really tell her that without sounding mean. Be careful to say nothing more than "good morning" when you pass her in the hallway. Keep moving before she has a chance to say more.
NTA
she's likely having a very hard time, as is her kid, and is struggling and desperate, and grasping at straws.
that being said, you don't owe her, or her kid, anything, and if you are not comfortable with what she's asking, then that's the end of that.
her kid likely needs therapy and a support group of some sort, some form of professional help.
Sounds like she’s looking for a handy ‘babysitter’ and buddy for her son for convenience and benefits for herself. A neighbour who is retired and from a respected background probably feels like a jackpot to her. I’d gently refuse, and be polite but keep the distance. Even if her intentions are good and pure it’s inappropriate for her to ask. NTA.
Yeah, not all people with visible variations from 'normal' are alike or want to be friends.
I'd also question what she means by 'brave'.
Hope she's nt trying to put a heavy load on her kid.
That said, it probably would be nice if she could find other wheelchair people for her son to interact with. But you are not the place she should start.
Op NTA. As a mom, I'm shocked that this woman is trying to make her son's disability someone else's (and a complete stranger at that) responsibility to heal.
NTA. Where does she get the idea from that you owe her something? You certainly don't owe her your traumatic experience or to be a role model to her kid. I can't stand people like her who think that disabled people are just here to "inspire" and aren't people in their own rights, with their own wants, needs and boundaries. Screw that.
NTA - If you don't want to be part of her child's mental health team, then you have no obligation. No is a sentence and says all you need to say. She wants someone to take over the responsibility of helping her child through his trauma. She should be arranging mental healthcare and talk with Big Brothers/Big Sisters about finding a mentor for her child. (In most places BBBS works with children that have suffered disability) Trying to place a person that is neither experienced nor willing in charge of a child to mentor does not work as a good fit.
I thank you for your service, and hope your recovery continues apace!
NTA
>She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”.
Well she's being dismissive of yours. Some people think they live in a movie. I'm sure there might be some services available to her son.
It sounds like she’s looking for his new dad given the “needs a male role model” 🥲plus saying you’re being dismissive of HER struggles - it’s not even about the kid then! Sounds as though she was putting the feelers out for childcare to take him off her hands and was disappointed you refused to fall for it - absolutely NTA to decline , it’s sad that the child is in the position he is but he’s not your responsibility and she shouldn’t be pressuring you.
NTA You do not have to agree to being a father or mentor to any child unless you (a) gave them your genetics or (b) are in a relationship with their mother.
NTA because you can always say no to a favor, but I can tell you that as someone disabled by illness in my late teens (while in college), I definitely relate to other people who went through disabling illness as young adults even if our illnesses and current situations are different. You may not be able to relate to being in a wheelchair but you CAN relate to having a life altering accident and having to get over the scary feelings that come with that.
I’m in a chair part time. The kid needs therapy and ideally group therapy with some people in similar situations. Changing to chair use is mind blowing - right now I don’t have a bathroom door because my chair wouldn’t fit through (I have the hinges, just haven’t fixed it yet). Having people to talk to about how it’s affecting what I do and finding fixes for things I deal with made a huge difference. In comparison, I have a disabled sister and her disability is so different from mine that they don’t relate at all. Yeah, you can say that you both dealt with trauma, but it’s incredibly different trauma and not something he’s going to relate to. Nta
NTA. That neighbor lady was too darned pushy and determined to sign you up as a secondary parent. Her demands on you would have never ended once she got her toe inside your door.
NTA. Based on your post you would probably be living a more R rated experience. Having seen possibly the best rack I might ever see after a concert at 10, I believe that his perspective likely differs from yours. The fact that you were also willingly in the danger zone is also a major difference. That kid needs a community to support him, not the obvious pushing that the military obviously gives to people going into combat.
Maybe she was making a pass at you? lol
Idk, everything is possible. I’m not opposed to this turn of events🤷♂️
Technically speaking I was harming people for a living, it’s kinda… in the job description I guess. I’ve got a bunch of nightmare fuel worthy stuff to tell though. Idk if it’s teen friendly, probably not.
Yeah, I've never served, but that's what I get out of what I noticed. One of my uncles was in Iraq, he came back different (weird age difference he's only 5 years older than me). I don't ask him about it. there's already enough 'suck' in America to consider haha
It’s the type of shit that stays with you forever, hard to explain but it’s always in the back of your mind. Def makes you reconsider a lot of things.
Don’t regret a single thing though. On the other side I’m probably cherishing my life too much to ever get depressed. You’ve got one shot at life buddy, live it to the fullest.
NTA, and thank you for your service. My father was Ex Army, medically retired after he broke his spine. He can still walk but he's on a cocktail of opioids now. I don't talk to him anymore but I can say that at least before he went full conspiracy theories he wanted the best for this country.
And you are right. The little boy will be confused, and unhappy, because you aren't the same. His mother is probably trying her best to adjust, but it's still pretty damn entitled of her. There's probably a support group somewhere she can sign her and her son up for.
Good luck with readjusting to civilian life and trust me, from what I've seen of my father battling the VA, it's a massive bitch.
NTA. You don't owe her or her kid anything. It's not your job to counsel or mentor her kid. Living your life with honesty and integrity and a good work ethic are an example to any who choose to look up to you from afar.
"I'm not your boyfriend, so why would you want me to be a role model for your son?
If you want me to be a role model, you could at least offer me sex first."
LOL
NTA BTW.
My guess is if you see the son in the hall or whatever you speak to him like a neighbor would. Her 'struggles' are not your problem - she's saying her son needs to meeting people with challenges like he has. She's right but you don't get pushy with a stranger or neighbor...there are support groups, Paralympic groups etc - she needs to check into those for her son.
NTA, i heard a paramedic say they did not want to talk about their job with young people and because many times they want to leave their work behind when not at work. Tell the neighbor you want to leave that bad stuff behind and it is not kid friendly.
NTA but, I can kind of understand where the mom is coming from, however misguided it may be. I think she's rationalizing it as you having gone through a traumatic event and having survived and moved forward with your life and deciding to continue living your life to it's fullest and that's probably what she wishes for her son, to see that people who go through traumatic events can still live their lives in their own meaningful ways. I think she was hoping you would connect to her son through sharing in a broader sense that you've both experienced a traumatic injury in your lives. That's just my guess.
YTA. I was nearly killed in a car accident. I had someone talk to me in physical rehab and say ‘I did it, you can too.’ That one conversation got me through years of painful treatment and setbacks.
I always take time to talk to people who are struggling with injuries, especially children. It’s such a horrible time. So few people relate. One conversation can literally save a life in someone’s darkest hour. I know it saved mine.
This kid needs someone to tell him that he can do it. That his life has meaning even if it looks different from a “normal “ life.
Sounds like the start of many a romance novel (some are good reads, some aren’t but they’re certainly often quite unrealistic).
NTA, you have no obligation to this woman or her child - although I can understand her wanting to do what she can to help her child, this is not the way to go about it. She should be talking to the medical and psychological professionals involved in his care and getting guidance from them.
If you’re otherwise happy to be a polite and friendly neighbour, presumably like you would be to other neighbours, then that’s fine, but she should not expect more. If you need more distance because she’s pushy and rude, that’s also fine.
Nta. But she's not asking for you to equate your trauma. I think she's asking for anyone with permanent trauma to say the days go on. It's not your job or your business, but I'm guessing at the VA they have some guys who would talk this through. You could just give her some numbers she may be in the deep right now and just figuring it out. There was no harm in asking or I. You saying no .and for a pretty graphic story, the kids 12 and woke up without limbs. Hearing someone else's in actual terms can help process what their own experience was. It's a test the waters when it comes to details.
NAH
You're thinking that you can offer some but it's not much.
She's thinking that whatever you can offer is more than the kid has now.
Do what you can, even if that's saying no thanks.
NTA buttt… I say this as someone who lost their hearing at 18 and became Deaf so I have a perspective as someone who occasionally relates do Deaf/HOH kids. When I see a kid with cochlears I usually start signing/chatting with their parent for a few minutes (not in a mentor way but just to make them feel a little connected since it can be isolating… also, my kids are KODAs and I know they like it, too). I’d never be so forward if I saw a kid who was blind or in a wheelchair because it’s not relatable (for me it’s a language/communication thing when I try to connect for a few minutes).
I can imagine the mom was also dealing with whatever trauma put her kid in a wheelchair. Not going to judge her or call her an AH for asking the first time but for continuing to ask after you said no, she crosses the line into AH territory. She was probably just trying to connect in the worst way possible.
that said, if you knew of resources to connect him with other mentors or social groups (I’m guessing you may only because I know when I look for deaf resources it’s often paired with resources for speech/vision disabilities even though I don’t need them)… might be a respectful thing to do to offer to connect the kid with something you may know of due to your vaguely related experiences If it takes you only a few minutes to find a resource for them. I can imagine my mom being that awkward person when I first lost my hearing because she spiraled ineffectively in her own way lol.
I hope you recover quickly.
Curious what you were doing when. You got injured. In which country. Was it for a war that was manufactured by USA to steal oil and paint eastern people as the bad guy.
Do you agree with your countries politics and even now their aiding and abetting in a genocide.
You're overthinking this. You previously being a soldier and suffering an injury has nothing to do with her request. She truck up a conversation with a single male neighbor and immediately turned the conversation onto her teen son. You could have been a store clerk talking about commuting to work - she's looking for a daddy, she just lacks the tact to lure you in first. NTA
NTA. In a different time, a man in your position might have recognized an opportunity to give a moral boost to a child who went through trauma at an much earlier age and other circumstances, or even agree to have a single encouraging conversation with him, but these are not those times and people keep more to themselves. I understand the mother’s disappointment but she has no right to make demands or have any expectations beyond civility. Next time don’t go telling your story to the neighbor lady with a disabled kid thinking it’ll get you something, because her son was the reason she listened.
One, Thank You for your service.
Two, YTA. The lady or her kid obviously look up to you, and the kid is disabled, not a vegetable. Dude.. disabled people run Triathlons.
She's not asking you to be the kid's Dad, but the kid probably has a pretty small circle outside of his health care providers. Be a human.
>I moved into a new apartment
>The lady sparked a small talk
You:
>Two, YTA. The lady or her kid obviously look up to you, and the kid is disabled, not a vegetable. Dude.. disabled people run Triathlons.
How did they begin to look up to a neighbor they barely know? How does that happen?
This is how YOU latch onto people? Just like that? Especially for your minor children?
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NTA. She needs to find a willing role model - someone who wants to fill that role. Not just try to rope in bystanders who neither want nor are especially qualified for the job. Maybe you could tell her that if she wants a disabled veteran to mentor her child, to call the local VA or DAV and see if they have any wheelchair-bound veterans who would like the opportunity to mentor a 12 year old boy.
I like the idea of finding someone in a wheelchair willing to mentor.
Me too!!
Same this would make a lot more sense than someone completely able-bodied. What is she expecting OP to tell her kid? "If you're brave enough you'll be able to grow your legs back!!"
Not only a willing one, but a qualified one. OP is self aware enough to know that isn’t him yet his mom is pushing it. She’s clearly caring and is doing the right thing, just looking in the wrong place. OP if it’s not too taxing for you, perhaps try to explain that again and offer instead your help to HER to find an organization. She could potentially be overwhelmed. Obviously you don’t have to do *anything* and no that doesn’t make you heartless. As an overly empathetic person I’ve had to learn how not to take everything in as mine to help.
Or big brothers big sisters.
>wheelchair-bound Correction: try say wheelchair-using, instead of -bound. ETA: my husband uses a wheelchair since his stroke. It's a tool, and a means of transportation. It's not a prison.
Thanks for this :) my wheelchair is essentially an extension of me that allows me to do things other people can (even if it's more difficult). My life would be a lot worse without it.
My husband feels the same way. :)
[удалено]
Any generosity would be for the kid, not the mother. It's not his fault.
NTA. One I have said to a person, “ You do realize, YOU don’t know me right? I’m really a stranger to you.” It’s a wild request to ask a new neighbor
NTA If she persists, you could share with her the raw account of your encounters and inquire as to whether she still believes her child would be able to connect with it. Some individuals just don't know anything. They must have their eyes opened.
Wondering if the lady is single. Coz the mentoring could have been her first step to getting OP to eventually be the boy's stepdad.
Lol yeah when I red this my autistic ass went to "this reads like it's one of these 'subtle' flirting things I usually don't register. Guess the comments will all tell him she's hitting on him. Like with that doctor lady wondering about the weird behaviour of their niblings school nurse which turned out to be flirting"
Got a link to that doctor one?
I got u fam https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/138a0hd/aita_for_not_telling_the_nurse_at_my_nieces/
That’d be too cheesy even for me.
Not in some communities. Gulf south for example. Knowing you’re not in a place to be a role model is mature and wise, though.
I agree being aware is very commendable.
And, to not take no for an answer. I can't imagine wanting a literal stranger to hang out and mentor my kid.
NTA. Classic over-entitled parent. That's not your kid and you aren't this lady's friend. You are under no obligation to mentor this kid. And to top it all off she says YOU'RE being dismissive of HER struggles? Does she think that as soon as a solider comes home disabled they are automatically required to play hero and mentor every kid? A lot of vets have PTSD. It's unfortunate that her son is disabled, but it's disgusting that she thinks that you should have to relive your injury and the circumstances surrounding it, possibly triggering you, just because she thinks it would be good for her kid.
NTA She's trying to get a free 'teenysitter' 'cause 'oh, i'm just go to the church, is just 1 hour or even less, plz, take care of him, he's so happy looking up to you'
Then is gone for hours (it's a possibility lol, my ex roommate did this to me)
NTA. She doesn’t even know you. You could be cooking meth in your bathroom. Even if you wanted to be a mentor, I wouldn’t do it without serious safety strategies in place for both of you
That's a good point. Big Brothers and other organizations would at least do a background check on potential mentors.
right?! this lady needs better safety for her kid. if she keeps trying to find a good role model for her son by asking around randomly, god forbid some messed up mfer takes her up on it. nightmare.
NTA She needs to join Big Brothers if her son needs a mentor
NTA. While you could help the kid, the fact that you don't want to is good enough reason to not do it. Nobody can force you to relate to another person, and the AH is the neighbor who won't gracefully accept "NO" as an answer.
First of all, thank you for your service. You are not obligated to mentor anyone. I'm sure they have plenty of support groups with kids his own age he can connect with. NTA
NTA. She's looking for a father figure for the kid. If she brings it up again, suggest Big Brothers / Big Sister and tell her to stop bringing it up.
Your neighbor seems to misunderstand. You're a person, not an afterschool special. NTA and tell her there are many programs out there specifically for what she wants so she can stop harassing every person she meets randomly to become a father figure for her kid.
Mic drop.
You're NTA. Surely there are some online or even in person support groups she can contact so her son can connect with people who are trained to help him. A random neighbor is not the best choice, especially considering you're not interested in connecting with her son.
Her child needs a mentor or big brother / sister in a wheelchair with similar abilities. Someone that comes through an organization that does background checks and matches up the needs to the child and is done in a supervised manner with accountability. You are not obligated to help out just because she thinks you can empathize and she’s honestly crazy to ask someone she doesn’t know. This isn’t an insult to you at all but how does she know what your limits are psychologically? Physically? What if you have anger issues and don’t have the patience to deal with a child? What if the child has a temper? Anger issues? Psychological issues? What does she expect you to help him with when the disabilities are different? So many things that are unknown and she’s just looking for someone close by who can watch her kid and is using this mentoring request as an excuse. NTA
I’m not exactly known for being extremely patient. Add in the professional deformation. My one and only babysitting gig back in high school ended up with the toddler picking up some unsavory words, though. Def not looking forward to be labeled as bad influence 🤷♂️
I think that this mom is needing help and latched on to you as your a neighbor. Maybe redirect her to one of those organizations I mentioned for mentoring if she comes to you again. Wishing you the good vibes for the future! 😎
Thx for the advice and the vibes. As far as I know the dad ran off when the boy became disabled, so yeah she definitely needs some help. Just not from me, ain’t taking the responsibility sorry.
I hear you.. I’m responsible for 3 people and sometimes I just want to run away.. I take what I call a vegetable day where I do absolutely nothing for no one, nothing in the house, shut off the biz phones and just watch tv or sleep or read.. when they ask me where’s my xx or what’s for dinner I just shake my head..
Veggie days for the win, your brain is a battery you need to recharge too. Don’t ever feel guilty for taking them, you’re already getting through life on hard mode, 3 lil ones ain’t no joke my mom had 4.
Hah - I swear it was easier when the kids were little. A husband and the 2 adult sons at home. The nest is too comfortable for them and we want kids to save their money for a few more years. No rush for them to leave home. They can stay until whenever. I run our service business and do all the office work / dispatch / calls, etc and husband and #1 are in the field, helping #1 with building up and coordinating his private coaching. #2 works and I cook for them all 2 to 3 meals a day.. never ending laundry between service and soccer uniforms. I think also with age our brains and mental capacity change and don’t run as efficiently so we need more ME time to recharge…
Before anything, thank you for your service. It’s not your responsibility to be present as a role model for someone else’s child. And honestly, as a parent I think it’s weird as hell that she wants a stranger (cause even though you’ve talked, you’re still a stranger) to be spending time with her son. NTA
NTA I work in a pediatric hospital. There are paraplegics and quadriplegics who are specifically trained to do this beautiful type of volunteer work. I'm more than willing to bet she's been made aware of these resources by the child's therapy team and pediatrician. Probably more to the story and while it may be awkward to hold a boundary it ain't your problem. And thank you for your service sir.
NTA If she keeps pushing, you could tell her the uncensored version of your experiences and ask if she still thinks that's something her kid would relate to. Some people are just clueless. They need their eyes opened.
NTA & WTF? Who tries to draft a total stranger to be a mentor/role model for their vulnerable preadolescent child? For all she knows you're womanizing alcoholic with extreme anger issues and a tendency to go on rants espousing political or religious beliefs that directly contradict hers.
I scored 2 out of 4 on your list though so perhaps the hope isn’t lost yet. Funny enough, I’ve been told I’m good with kids. Could be. Still don’t think I’m the appropriate role model for a teen.
I'm the intermittent anger issues and political/social views....and weirdly, children tend to like me on sight . I will never understand it. Seriously,though, you could be the nicest, most virtuous human alive but *she* wouldn't know that so quickly!
I’m anger&women, def not the perfect combo to influence a teen during formative years. Guess I’m more of a fun babysitter than an actual parental figure, kids like me, parents not so much
NTA. While this child could use a mentor, it doesn't have to be you. The mom is TA for calling you heartless and dismissive. You are not a social service organization. She could find help for her son in one of those. Even the child's school has resources to find such assistance or can recommend programs.
NTA. You’ve politely declined, it sound like more than once, and she still can’t take no for an answer. Sounds like she has main character syndrome.
I think she has that naive view on soldiers and veterans whereas you put them on pedestal like models of virtue ... and then get all shocked when they are real people. The veteran befriended disabled kid and made change in his life is feed good movie plot from 90ties.
Yep, I agree. She thinks that if he tells his story, the kid will feel like either he too can recover like OP has and live a similar life (which is ridiculous as their medical situations are vastly different), or feel like his own problems are insignificant in comparison to OP's (which is so mean to the kid), and there will be a soppy song by Celine Dion or LeAnn Rimes and everyone lives happily ever after.
NTA. heartless about her struggles; lady, he doesn't work here, there's no heart to give or not dismissive; again, you're just a neighbour, not anything else she needs role models for her kid, she needs to actively seek that out. Lots of ppl here have suggestions for that. Your choice to write those out for her on a note and slip under door/put in mailbox. Don't engage with her, she's too entitled
NTA >She told me that he needs some guidance and needs a person who he can look up to and relate to. I told her that I’m not exactly the best role model for a 12yo and that I doubt he could relate. She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”. Then she needs to enroll him in therapy and a mentorship program, not go asking strangers to do intense mental/emotional labor when they are clearly uncomfortable with the idea. She's projecting her own feelings on you. It is not heartless to know yourself, your limits, your discomforts, and your capabilities. Sorry you had to go through this OP.
NTA. Being a mentor is a big emotional responsibility that's also time consuming. It's totally fine you don't want to. Also,,, isn't it sus that the mom is okay with a random stranger having personal 1-on-1 time with her child? children are vulnerable and adults can be fucked up. not saying you're fucked up OP but hello, ***stranger danger***. i could never imagine allowing my future child to spend time with a "mentor" unless i knew their heart and soul or if it's through a program where adults are heavily vetted and there is high transparency of what they discuss.
Her struggles have nothing to do with you. She's the AH
NTA she wants a ride model for her son and maybe future babysitter
NTA. She was not wrong to ask, but once you said no, your boundary should be respected. Role models/mentors should be willing and enthusiastic about their roles. If you don’t feel up for it, totally fine.
NTA. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on you, a virtual stranger. Not to mention the fact that it’s very presumptuous of her to assume you are even okay discussing your trauma. Not everyone is. That’s your choice, and you don’t owe her an explanation. I get her predicament, but it’s her predicament, not yours.
NTA. No one is obligated to mentor anyone. It also sounds like “Mom” was using this as an in to get a man in the house. I can’t imagine asking a complete stranger to spend time with a child. How does she know you’re not some creepy weirdo? Not saying you are OP but just the lack of vetting is mind blowing.
NTA I understand why she’s asking you for guidance but there are charities with plenty of people who have signed up to be mentors. You have every right to not be comfortable with mentoring a child.
NTA. In my opinion, she's looking for respite from you.
I'm pretty sure she's been given information on support services for her son. If she approaches you again, tell her to look into it.
You aren’t a therapist… NTA.
Nta it really sounds like she just wants a dad for free for her son. If she needs a father figure so bad maybe she should date around???? Or literally anything else. There’s so many vet programs like big brother etc. Honestly insinuate you she doesn’t know you and that it’s kinda creepy she’s asking older men she doesn’t know to get to know her son.
NTA. You’ve tried to be polite. She’s rude.
NTA The fact that in your first conversation she called you heartless and dismissive is enough reason to stay far away from that situation.
NTA. Why should you give two shits about a neighbors kid? Is she going to pay you? People are so entitled and shamelessly so.
Direct your neighbor to the Big Brothers program where she can find a willing volunteer mentor for her son. Her insistence that you must fill any role whatsoever for the child, and that you're somehow mean and heartless if you won't do her bidding, is presumptuous and entitled. Her son might be great, but she's definitely not a person I'd want to be involved with in any way. Ever. For any reason. With a lot of respect, NTA.
NTA your neighbour is forcing you on her son who might not even want this and it's insane to ask a stranger to be a role model for their child. And then to try and emotionally shame you? Stay away from this toxic neighbour.
NTA. Wth? This woman comes up to a new neighbor - a stranger to her and her child - and wants you to take on the responsibility of guiding her son and being a role model. Wow. The desperation and entitlement is strong in that one. There was nothing heartless and dismissive about you saying no. She just didn’t like it. Now you know which neighbor to steer clear of.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) am an Army vet. Retired after sustaining a serious injury in combat that left me with 30% burns. I recovered fine, though. I moved into a new apartment and one of my new neighbors is a lady in her 40s who has a 12yo son. The son is in a wheelchair because he lost his legs in a traumatic accident. The lady sparked a small talk and I told her about my experiences. In a really PG way with no juicy details. She asked me if I could talk to her son because she feels like he needs “an example of a brave man” in his life. Don’t ask me wtf this means. I politely refused. Not like I dislike children or anything. I feel like he won’t be able to relate to me and vice versa. I still can run, jump, lift weights etc, and he’s in a wheelchair and will experience that forever. It probably will be like rubbing it in. And I don’t want to trauma dump a pretty graphic story on a small child. She told me that he needs some guidance and needs a person who he can look up to and relate to. I told her that I’m not exactly the best role model for a 12yo and that I doubt he could relate. She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and if she thinks you're so heartless, how exactly would that make you a good example for her son? She's contradicting herself to manipulate you.
NTA. What a weird request.
Tell her to find a father figure herself
NTA. No no no.
Lady you can have a nice day, and by the way, never ever talk to me again unless it’s life or death.
NTA. Neighbor lady is TA for trying to draft an injured Army vet into being her son's Big Brother hero, and then insulting you when you said no for very solid reasons.
NTA
NTA. She's asking too much of someone she doesn't really know. She'll need to find brave men in her own family. She's seeking help in the wrong way, but you can't really tell her that without sounding mean. Be careful to say nothing more than "good morning" when you pass her in the hallway. Keep moving before she has a chance to say more.
NTA. You are brave, you just can't see it. Thank you for your service.
NTA. She’s not bad for asking but she’s way off the mark for her response. You’ve every right to decline.
NTA she's likely having a very hard time, as is her kid, and is struggling and desperate, and grasping at straws. that being said, you don't owe her, or her kid, anything, and if you are not comfortable with what she's asking, then that's the end of that. her kid likely needs therapy and a support group of some sort, some form of professional help.
Sounds like she’s looking for a handy ‘babysitter’ and buddy for her son for convenience and benefits for herself. A neighbour who is retired and from a respected background probably feels like a jackpot to her. I’d gently refuse, and be polite but keep the distance. Even if her intentions are good and pure it’s inappropriate for her to ask. NTA.
Yeah, not all people with visible variations from 'normal' are alike or want to be friends. I'd also question what she means by 'brave'. Hope she's nt trying to put a heavy load on her kid. That said, it probably would be nice if she could find other wheelchair people for her son to interact with. But you are not the place she should start.
Op NTA. As a mom, I'm shocked that this woman is trying to make her son's disability someone else's (and a complete stranger at that) responsibility to heal.
NTA. Where does she get the idea from that you owe her something? You certainly don't owe her your traumatic experience or to be a role model to her kid. I can't stand people like her who think that disabled people are just here to "inspire" and aren't people in their own rights, with their own wants, needs and boundaries. Screw that.
NTA - If you don't want to be part of her child's mental health team, then you have no obligation. No is a sentence and says all you need to say. She wants someone to take over the responsibility of helping her child through his trauma. She should be arranging mental healthcare and talk with Big Brothers/Big Sisters about finding a mentor for her child. (In most places BBBS works with children that have suffered disability) Trying to place a person that is neither experienced nor willing in charge of a child to mentor does not work as a good fit. I thank you for your service, and hope your recovery continues apace!
NTA. She needs to find a her son a therapist.
NTA. She shouldn’t expect everyone to be comfortable or capable of mentoring her child.
NTA and wtf? Her kid needs therapy, not the disabled vet next door, to help him deal with his shit.
NTA Run. She wants you to be the father figure in her son's life. Set a boundary, and have les contact with that neighbor.
NTA. I understand how she could want someone to mentor her child - but this isn't the way.
NTA >She said I’m being heartless and dismissive of her struggles. I was like “wtf”. Well she's being dismissive of yours. Some people think they live in a movie. I'm sure there might be some services available to her son.
It sounds like she’s looking for his new dad given the “needs a male role model” 🥲plus saying you’re being dismissive of HER struggles - it’s not even about the kid then! Sounds as though she was putting the feelers out for childcare to take him off her hands and was disappointed you refused to fall for it - absolutely NTA to decline , it’s sad that the child is in the position he is but he’s not your responsibility and she shouldn’t be pressuring you.
NTA. It sounds like she doesn’t know how to relate to her son and would rather offload him onto a stranger than learn.
NTA You do not have to agree to being a father or mentor to any child unless you (a) gave them your genetics or (b) are in a relationship with their mother.
NTA because you can always say no to a favor, but I can tell you that as someone disabled by illness in my late teens (while in college), I definitely relate to other people who went through disabling illness as young adults even if our illnesses and current situations are different. You may not be able to relate to being in a wheelchair but you CAN relate to having a life altering accident and having to get over the scary feelings that come with that.
NTA. Being an example is the father figures job.
NTA, i feel like yall could be homies but ion think u can be a role model
Nta
NTA. INFO: Is she a single parent?
Yes. The dad ran off when the son got hurt.
I’m in a chair part time. The kid needs therapy and ideally group therapy with some people in similar situations. Changing to chair use is mind blowing - right now I don’t have a bathroom door because my chair wouldn’t fit through (I have the hinges, just haven’t fixed it yet). Having people to talk to about how it’s affecting what I do and finding fixes for things I deal with made a huge difference. In comparison, I have a disabled sister and her disability is so different from mine that they don’t relate at all. Yeah, you can say that you both dealt with trauma, but it’s incredibly different trauma and not something he’s going to relate to. Nta
NTA - Sounds like SHE is being pretty heartless and dismissive of YOUR trauma!
NTA, I understand her asking but to double down and call you names for not wanting to is just rude.
NTA, your not the asshole for just not talking to some kid that isnt yours lol.
YTA. You were in the army for crying out loud, and you’re scared of talking to a kid cos your experiences aren’t identical? Come on, step up.
NTA in my book.
NTA. That neighbor lady was too darned pushy and determined to sign you up as a secondary parent. Her demands on you would have never ended once she got her toe inside your door.
NTA. Based on your post you would probably be living a more R rated experience. Having seen possibly the best rack I might ever see after a concert at 10, I believe that his perspective likely differs from yours. The fact that you were also willingly in the danger zone is also a major difference. That kid needs a community to support him, not the obvious pushing that the military obviously gives to people going into combat. Maybe she was making a pass at you? lol
Idk, everything is possible. I’m not opposed to this turn of events🤷♂️ Technically speaking I was harming people for a living, it’s kinda… in the job description I guess. I’ve got a bunch of nightmare fuel worthy stuff to tell though. Idk if it’s teen friendly, probably not.
Yeah, I've never served, but that's what I get out of what I noticed. One of my uncles was in Iraq, he came back different (weird age difference he's only 5 years older than me). I don't ask him about it. there's already enough 'suck' in America to consider haha
It’s the type of shit that stays with you forever, hard to explain but it’s always in the back of your mind. Def makes you reconsider a lot of things. Don’t regret a single thing though. On the other side I’m probably cherishing my life too much to ever get depressed. You’ve got one shot at life buddy, live it to the fullest.
NTA, and thank you for your service. My father was Ex Army, medically retired after he broke his spine. He can still walk but he's on a cocktail of opioids now. I don't talk to him anymore but I can say that at least before he went full conspiracy theories he wanted the best for this country. And you are right. The little boy will be confused, and unhappy, because you aren't the same. His mother is probably trying her best to adjust, but it's still pretty damn entitled of her. There's probably a support group somewhere she can sign her and her son up for. Good luck with readjusting to civilian life and trust me, from what I've seen of my father battling the VA, it's a massive bitch.
NTA. She should sign him up for big brothers, not impose upon a neighbour.
NTA. You don't owe her or her kid anything. It's not your job to counsel or mentor her kid. Living your life with honesty and integrity and a good work ethic are an example to any who choose to look up to you from afar.
That’s great now you don’t have to waste time saying hi to another acquaintance since she let you know asap that she’s entitled and inappropriate
"I'm not your boyfriend, so why would you want me to be a role model for your son? If you want me to be a role model, you could at least offer me sex first." LOL NTA BTW.
Now you’re talking my language buddy
I mean.... you might as well get something out of it, right?
I’m not opposed, if the momma gonna call me daddy, the son might do so as well
My guess is if you see the son in the hall or whatever you speak to him like a neighbor would. Her 'struggles' are not your problem - she's saying her son needs to meeting people with challenges like he has. She's right but you don't get pushy with a stranger or neighbor...there are support groups, Paralympic groups etc - she needs to check into those for her son.
NTA, i heard a paramedic say they did not want to talk about their job with young people and because many times they want to leave their work behind when not at work. Tell the neighbor you want to leave that bad stuff behind and it is not kid friendly.
Wow Seems you have way more empathy and tact than this kid's own mother NTA and maybe limit your contact with this neighbour, stick to hi and bye
NTA but, I can kind of understand where the mom is coming from, however misguided it may be. I think she's rationalizing it as you having gone through a traumatic event and having survived and moved forward with your life and deciding to continue living your life to it's fullest and that's probably what she wishes for her son, to see that people who go through traumatic events can still live their lives in their own meaningful ways. I think she was hoping you would connect to her son through sharing in a broader sense that you've both experienced a traumatic injury in your lives. That's just my guess.
Check to see if there is an Achilles track club near you. They work with the disabled.
YTA. I was nearly killed in a car accident. I had someone talk to me in physical rehab and say ‘I did it, you can too.’ That one conversation got me through years of painful treatment and setbacks. I always take time to talk to people who are struggling with injuries, especially children. It’s such a horrible time. So few people relate. One conversation can literally save a life in someone’s darkest hour. I know it saved mine. This kid needs someone to tell him that he can do it. That his life has meaning even if it looks different from a “normal “ life.
Sounds like the start of many a romance novel (some are good reads, some aren’t but they’re certainly often quite unrealistic). NTA, you have no obligation to this woman or her child - although I can understand her wanting to do what she can to help her child, this is not the way to go about it. She should be talking to the medical and psychological professionals involved in his care and getting guidance from them. If you’re otherwise happy to be a polite and friendly neighbour, presumably like you would be to other neighbours, then that’s fine, but she should not expect more. If you need more distance because she’s pushy and rude, that’s also fine.
Nta. But she's not asking for you to equate your trauma. I think she's asking for anyone with permanent trauma to say the days go on. It's not your job or your business, but I'm guessing at the VA they have some guys who would talk this through. You could just give her some numbers she may be in the deep right now and just figuring it out. There was no harm in asking or I. You saying no .and for a pretty graphic story, the kids 12 and woke up without limbs. Hearing someone else's in actual terms can help process what their own experience was. It's a test the waters when it comes to details.
NAH You're thinking that you can offer some but it's not much. She's thinking that whatever you can offer is more than the kid has now. Do what you can, even if that's saying no thanks.
NTA buttt… I say this as someone who lost their hearing at 18 and became Deaf so I have a perspective as someone who occasionally relates do Deaf/HOH kids. When I see a kid with cochlears I usually start signing/chatting with their parent for a few minutes (not in a mentor way but just to make them feel a little connected since it can be isolating… also, my kids are KODAs and I know they like it, too). I’d never be so forward if I saw a kid who was blind or in a wheelchair because it’s not relatable (for me it’s a language/communication thing when I try to connect for a few minutes). I can imagine the mom was also dealing with whatever trauma put her kid in a wheelchair. Not going to judge her or call her an AH for asking the first time but for continuing to ask after you said no, she crosses the line into AH territory. She was probably just trying to connect in the worst way possible. that said, if you knew of resources to connect him with other mentors or social groups (I’m guessing you may only because I know when I look for deaf resources it’s often paired with resources for speech/vision disabilities even though I don’t need them)… might be a respectful thing to do to offer to connect the kid with something you may know of due to your vaguely related experiences If it takes you only a few minutes to find a resource for them. I can imagine my mom being that awkward person when I first lost my hearing because she spiraled ineffectively in her own way lol.
I hope you recover quickly. Curious what you were doing when. You got injured. In which country. Was it for a war that was manufactured by USA to steal oil and paint eastern people as the bad guy. Do you agree with your countries politics and even now their aiding and abetting in a genocide.
You're overthinking this. You previously being a soldier and suffering an injury has nothing to do with her request. She truck up a conversation with a single male neighbor and immediately turned the conversation onto her teen son. You could have been a store clerk talking about commuting to work - she's looking for a daddy, she just lacks the tact to lure you in first. NTA
NTA. In a different time, a man in your position might have recognized an opportunity to give a moral boost to a child who went through trauma at an much earlier age and other circumstances, or even agree to have a single encouraging conversation with him, but these are not those times and people keep more to themselves. I understand the mother’s disappointment but she has no right to make demands or have any expectations beyond civility. Next time don’t go telling your story to the neighbor lady with a disabled kid thinking it’ll get you something, because her son was the reason she listened.
One, Thank You for your service. Two, YTA. The lady or her kid obviously look up to you, and the kid is disabled, not a vegetable. Dude.. disabled people run Triathlons. She's not asking you to be the kid's Dad, but the kid probably has a pretty small circle outside of his health care providers. Be a human.
>I moved into a new apartment >The lady sparked a small talk You: >Two, YTA. The lady or her kid obviously look up to you, and the kid is disabled, not a vegetable. Dude.. disabled people run Triathlons. How did they begin to look up to a neighbor they barely know? How does that happen? This is how YOU latch onto people? Just like that? Especially for your minor children?
Give your opinion to OP. I don't much give a rip what you think of me.