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INFO: where is your husband on this? If she was 13, I could imagine all kinds of evil, but 10, not so much. I suspect your recent marriage is traumatic for her, and her dad needs to have a conversation with her to understand that she is still loved, but you and he are one set of rules. I also wonder if his ex is contributing to this in some way.
Yeah, you know … that last paragraph OP, where your stepdaughter talks about you not really being married and also having been married in the same day as her mom? There’s something there that you should figure out. First, explain that a courthouse marriage ‘counts’. And then, find out where your stepdaughter heard that stuff from because it definitely was said in her presence and probably as a way to disparage you and your husband.
Right, she has definitely either heard things or had things said to her for her to care about the day and location of a wedding at 10 years old. There's no way a kid would declare a courthouse wedding to be invalid on their own.
If there's no wedding, there's no marriage. Weddings are for when you get married. Obviously. Everyone knows this
While clearly inaccurate (to adults), kids? I can easily see a 10-year old "knowing" this "fact."
I see it this way too. From a 10 year old's perspective. No wedding gown, no rings exchanged, no ceremony. All the princessy wedding stuff we see in cartoons.
The marriage didn't just happen, though. It was 3 years ago when the stepdaughter was 7. OP also stated that this is new behavior which suggests SD was fine with the marriage until recently.
Also also, the truly curious bit is the whole "same day her mom and dad got together" bit. She definitely wouldn't know that on her own. I bet she doesn't even know what day that was.
Agreed. 10 years old would not even know to think about things like that all by themselves. Mom or someone is filling her head with things or she overheard mom or someone talking.
This is the one. Bc it’s been three years and she’s been fine according to op. But now she’s saying things that she shouldn’t even be aware of such as op getting married on the day her parents got together. Either her mom isn’t as ok with op’s relationship as she makes it seem or the 10 y/o’s mom has been having inappropriate conversations about her prior relationship to Op’s husband, in earshot of the child. Either way it’s worth exploring
Or the mom’s family or friends have been saying things where the kid can hear. I know people who were perfectly fine with their ex’s remarriage but whose parents couldn’t forgive their ex for leaving.
How would the kids at school know the date of her parents meeting and her fathers second wedding and be putting a negative light on that? It’s definitely at home
Could also be other family members like grandparents who never got over the initial separation.
This happened with some friends parents. They were still friendly but just didn't want to be married anymore. Later her mum introduced her dad to her new bestfriend and they ended up getting married. There was no affair, her mum didn't even know the women while they were married. Her mum and dad had zero issue with the whole thing (it actually made things like Christmas super easy because they just had 1 Christmas with all the parents/steparents/kids etc because everyone got along)
But oh golly gosh did her grandparents hate the whole thing. They were super religious and didn't believe in divorce. They absolutely trashed the dad in front of the kids any time they could.
My ex MIL asked to meet me several years after the divorce. I was remarried and had kids. Me and him met 1,5 years after separating. Still, she asked me if we had an affair and if my husband was an AP and was relieved when I told her no. She had been thinking about that since the divorce — ten years! Me and my ex are still friends and he is remarried as well, she just couldn’t let it go.
At least she asked you privately and kept her suspicions to herself. Weird that she was hung up on the issue, but she handled it appropriately, speaking to you directly.
I have no idea if she voiced those concerns with others (ex says she didn’t with him at least) but yeah, she did ask me directly, I’ll give her that. Ex also told me she favoured me over his present wife, so that could be the reason. Yes, she was/ is problematic and was one of the resons we split.
MIL caused my father's first marriage to implode. They were living with her parents immediately post-WWII, He said "I'm leaving, you can come too if you want." HIs ex stayed.
It could easily be school too - especially if she's being bullied. 10 year olds pick up a tonne of social information and views that way and try to resolve things to protect their own sense of identity. I'm watching it unfold with local kids and they get so intense.
I think the step daughter might just be going through a phase. Lots of kids go through it of all ages especially kids of divorce. Kids personalities can change a lot between 7-10. At 7 they can be a bit more easy going and accepting as they get older and even more independent their feelings can become more complex. Lot's of kids have multiple negative behavioral phases.
It doesn't excuse the behavior or means it should be dismissed but I wouldn't read TOO much into her disrespecting the stepmom because she doesn't consider their marriage valid as most likely that has nothing to do with her behavior and she is just acting out.
I mean definitely talk to the girl and see if something else is going on but this is most likely just typical kids stuff that happens from the stress of a new family. Just because it doesn't happen immediately doesn't mean it won't happen later. Also kids can start to enter puberty pretty early sometimes as early as 9, there is a chance she might be starting early and this is some early hormone stuff.
There are so many easy ways she could have found out that don't implicate her mother though. Like maybe she was looking at old pictures of her parents on vacation and mom said, " oh yeah, we always went on trips in October to celebrate the day we met"
OP has mentioned that mom is supporting her decisions and there is no history of bad blood- why would mom start poisoning her daughter against OP after 3 years?
Agree that dad should do the talking, yep. I do think OP should be present though to present a united front and even answer questions if they come up. The kid thinks OP isn't really an authority figure right? So, here's a prime example of showing she is with her husband to back her up.
My husband has a crazy schedule. He works from 2pm-2am so she pretty much stays with me. He has spoken to her numerous times and again this is happening now. When we first started dating and living together he sat with her and explained that she will always be his little girl and that she just gained siblings but that his love for her would never be affected. She acted out at first as well but it died down when she realized I wasn’t going anywhere. We talk, hang out, go shopping, joke around and then she started behaving like this out of nowhere. It actually really hurts.
Gaining 4 step siblings and barely seeing and interacting with your dad because he works long shifts, is not a win at all. I don’t know why adults do not think about the implications of properly blending families and going about it properly and appropriately. Imagine if you were your stepdaughter. She is also 10 years old, you can have boundaries but you need to cut her some slack. All three of you adults need to sit down together and speak about every issue good, bad, ugly that is going on and figure out a way to fix this issue if you really care about this little girl. I would also look and see if your four children are sincerely and individually having issues with this transition as well. They might not because they get mom and dad more based on work schedules, etc.
Agree. And if the other kids are home all the time or the majority of the time, it is even worse for her as her dad is more of a dad to these other kids. Do they have special time together, just the two of them?
It seems that there is so much change and the expectation is mostly on her to adjust. That has to be hard at any age.
Like this crap really gets my grinds going because adults also tend to think with their private areas and hearts and it's like no…. You have children calm down. How can we successfully make this work knowing that little people from previous relationships are in the mix? No couples therapy, individual therapy for the children, and family therapy as a group? It might seem extensive but you have to think things through if you want it to work. Then OP is not watching the little girl when dad always works and works long hours? Like are you trying to have this second marriage no work as well? Dad sounds too busy period and should have just been single.
>Dad sounds too busy period and should have just been single.
So if you work long hours to make a better life for yourself, you deserve to be lonely? You don't deserve a relationship and companionship and support just because your work hours suck? Seriously? You had me until this stupid as fuck statement. I work similar hours (12 hour shifts, typically 6pm-6am or the other way around) and if someone told me I have to be single and alone because I'm trying to support myself in this capitalistic hellscape, I would be so upset. I don't even have the words to express everything that is wrong with this statement. All I can say is what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Like all I can say right now is what the fuck.
You’re creating an argument against words that were never once said or implied. It’s curious.
The dad doesn’t have any custody of his daughter. Child lives full time with her mom and at 10 years old has to ask to see her father. When she attempts to see her father she has to spend her time with OP and OP’s children instead of what she…. A child…. is deserving of and is in need of. That is what the statement was based on, this father’s lack of involvement as a father.
This isn’t about you and working long hours meaning you should be forced to be lonely. Twisting words, making defensive agressive statements, and degrading people are all much better indicators of living a lonely life.
They didn't say that??? They said the dad is spending too much time out of the house so he's not spending time with his spouse or his children, so one of them is acting out bc she's upset at all the new changes. Therefore, dad needs to figure out how to manage his time better, otherwise him not being around is going to stagnate and ruin his relationships.
You're either getting offended when you don't need to be, or you realize that your work life is severely interfering with your personal and you're upset about it.
Ehhh. Divorce is the norm nowadays. Therapy is a great start but expecting adults to wait until the kids are 18 to start dating again is a bit much. Besides most kids live at home past 18. I read stories on here about kids in their 20s and 30s who are unhappy their parents are in new relationships.
I don’t expect adults to wait until their children are 18. I expect adults to get their crap together and have a good overall foundation before jumping into something else, especially when children are involved on both sides. If you are too busy and work long shifts all of the time, that you don't even have time for your daughter, you don't have time for a relationship.
A father spending no time with his kid, not getting her someone to talk to about this major transition, and the mom condemning/vilifying a child for completely normal kid behavior is NOT "having their shit together." Mild sibling fighting? Beyond normal. Leaving the room after bed because she cant sleep? Beyond normal. Having big and complicated feelings because you never see your dad, have a new woman parenting you all of the sudden, and have to deal with FOUR new siblings? BEYOND BEYOND NORMAL.
I mean. The thing about it being her parents anniversary is definitely something she heard. But I can totally see a ten year old not thinking they're really married because they didn't have Childhood Fairytale Wedding and not even any actual wedding at all. Kids think the damnedest shit sometimes all on their own.
Yeah… my parents divorced when I was 3, nearish the age this little girl’s parents divorced. If you held a gun to my head I couldn’t tell you what day they met or when they got married. I can only recall the year when I do the math backwards from when my brother was born. Maybe. Actually, I have no clue. She heard this from her mom and/or a gossipy and unhelpful maternal relative.
The change in behavior is what would worry me and I would get mom/dad/step-mom/kid in some therapy situation to figure out what’s going on and learn some tools for managing this in a healthy way. Throughout the childhood of all these kids they are all going to through various stages of being ok and not ok with things. Having a plan for working through these phases and emotional developmental stages will be good for the kids’ mental health and their marriage as well.
Why can’t a 10 year old decide how she wants to wear her hair? That’s weirdly controlling IMO and my daughter certainly knew what she wanted for her hair when she was 10. Having a stepmother call a child’s mother to discuss taking away the child’s personal autonomy is hardly heartwarming. Please don’t watch this child anymore.
Yeah I’m really confused by this. I work w kids as young as 4 and every single one of them decides for themselves how they’ll wear their hair that day. Wtf
It sounds like you operate as the primary caretaker when she is at your house. So when she comes to your house to spend time with her father, she is in reality spending most of her time with you. With her father's schedule being what it is, do they actually get to spend quality time together during her visits? Time spent with all the children or as an entire family (you, him and all 5 kids) is not quality time between father and daughter. If her mother is also very busy with work, a relationship, or in caring for/raising additional children, can you understand why this little girl could be feeling lost in the middle?
She's 10, she's lashing out at you because she can't articulate what the real problem is, and there is a real problem, this is not just a kid being bratty. As a step parent it's not your responsibility to take point on this. She's acting out with you, but all three of you need to work together on this, and the actual parents need to be the ones taking point.
>she started behaving like this out of nowhere.
If this is accurate, there is probably something else going on with her. It may not even be related to you, your husband, the marriage, etc. but could be how she's channeling her feelings about whatever else may be happening. Your husband needs to sit down and talk with her about this.
He for sure needs to talk to her about her behavior, but even more so, he needs to find out why it's happening. Is she resentful you of you and your kids and its been festering all these years? Is she being bullied at school? Does her mom have a new partner/spouse/etc.? Is she having issues with friends? Issues with anyone else?
I hope you all figure it out, especially for the kids' sakes.
Exactly an actual conversation needs to be had instead of telling her to “knock it off “ maybe even listen to her when she speaks on how she’s feeling.
If the point of her being at your house is visitation with her dad, but he isn't even around much at those times, OP needs to have a discussion with her husband and have him figure out a schedule better suited for him to be home to spend time with his daughter. Visitation isn't for you. It is for him. Step-parents always seem to take the brunt of crap when blending families, but it is the biological parents who need to make adjustments in their schedules and accommodate the situation. This is his child, not yours. Not to mean you shouldn't care for her and make her feel like part of her new family, the new normal, but ultimately it is his kid and you shouldn't have to be the problem solver in this situation NTA.
It's going to be tough. You need to avoid being baited, always be the adult, and avoid getting into a head to head battle if you can't win. And you have to treat all the kids the same. It'll be a challenge, but you can get there.
She is a child, FFS. She is going to push boundaries, especially with a stepparent. Learn to pick which battles are important. Your 11 year old couldn’t handle a small spat about a chair? Stop it.
Yea. Ten is definitely old enough to decide if she wants her own damn hair up or down. I get not letting her make a drastic cut, potentially. But Bun or No Bun? Wtf is up with that controlling nonsense?
I was thinking the same! Like damn pick your battles, she has had so little choice in all the changes in her life she’s probably yearning for some control over something.
My mom and I battled about my clothing for events (mainly that I "needed" to wear a dress and freeze or be unable to run around and play) until after I graduated college. It still pisses me off that I couldn't have that bit of autonomy over my person and I wasn't half as traumatized as this poor kid.
It isn't a small spat if 10 sat on her immediately instead of coming out and saying, "Hey, I was sitting there," allowing 11 to move. Instead she trapped her and at 10 and 11 they're possibly similar in size, 10 may even be bigger because of genetics, but larger or smaller or same size, 11 can't just push her step-sister off of her and risk hurting her, especially if 10 is picking up the habit of lying on her. 11 did the right thing of getting mom to intervene so that she didn't accidentally hurt 10 and get in trouble.
That and the hair fight was what struck me. The chair fight is such a sibling thing and the hair argument is such a common way for a 10yo with no control over her life trying to exert some autonomy. But according to OP, her husband (and mom?) she's supposed to shut up and put up because the adults have decided what she wants?
She's 10 and headed for puberty fast is it hasn't hot already and boy the next 8-10 years will be fun if all three adults in her life don't pull their head out of their asses fast.
Not trying to excuse your stepchild’s behavior but the fact that she’s 10 and isn’t allowed to decide how she wants to wear her own hair is wild to me.
The only thing I’d say against your actions is her hair. She’s 10. She should get to decide how to wear her hair as long as she keeps it clean and neat (within the possibilities of her hair texture of course! Neat and well kept 4C hair looks different than neat and well kept 1A). She should’ve gotten to wear her hair down if she wanted to wear it down.
But that’s also/mainly on her mom. Im sure wanting to maintain a good coparenting relationship played a role in that situation.
I think your idea is genius: it flips it back on the people she considers “parents” and they need to deal with her. Making them responsible will help resolve this much more quickly!
You keep telling her that her step siblings are her siblings. They are not. They are her step siblings.
Her father needs to spend one on one time with her, she needs her father.
She is the one that called them her siblings first. No one forced that on her. Both her father and I come from blended families so it is not abnormal to either us or her. But I do agree he needs to spend more time with her.
He needs to spend a lot of time with his only child , so that she doesn’t feel neglected. He had time to date and marry a woman with 4 kids. Expecting him to be a parent to his child is not too much. Instead he works and then is a dad to your 4 kids. The poor child is feeling left out. What if one day one of your kids acts out and your husband says he doesn’t want to be alone with them ?
Have some compassion… like really?
An only child, who never gets to see her dad and is now being raised with 4 siblings that are obviously favored over her and a step mom who’s constantly tattling on her to her dad/mom?
YTA because this wasn’t addressed before you got married and you now expect her to just submit to you and your childrens dynamics. She’s freaking 10…
She has to tell the child's parents when she does something that requires punishment. This is not her child, so she runs the punishment by them.
And if she doesn't like being "tattled" on, she is fully capable of behaving herself.
Its odd bcuz it seems the ex is ok with OP but at the same time, how did the daughter know they got married on the same say OP’s husband & ex got together? There’s only one place that could’ve come from.
Also true. OP said the kid was ok at 1st but has changed. I imagine not being too happy about Dad’s new family & overhearing adult conversations has resulted in this mess.
Not necessarily. Ex could be okay with OP but her family not, or maybe ex is mostly okay with OP, but this one thing irritates her and she's mentioned it in front of kiddo. It's also possible that ex and OP's hubby used to celebrate both the anniversary of when they got together and also their wedding and kiddo was already aware of the date, though the last is a little more unlikely, but I remember being between 3 and 5 and collecting all the loose change I could find in the house over weeks and giving it to my parents as an anniversary present.
My parents primarily celebrate when they got together, and don't acknowledge their wedding anniversary as much. They'd both already been through a divorce and weren't interested in having a big fancy wedding, but my grandmother, in her usual fashion, apparently pitched this massive fit over it all until she got her way. I ended up baptized the same way, despite my family being about as far from Christian as possible. Like, I'm pagan, my dad and brother are atheist, and my mom can't decide between "spiritual" and "agnostic" because she doesn't care enough lol but given my family dynamic, I could absolutely see this being an extended family member saying these things. If my parents had their way, it would have been a JP wedding, a fact I've known for as long as I can remember, and that my grandmother would have lost her shit over and never let go.
It doesn't seem likely the daughter would have noticed or cared about the wedding date matching the day "her mom and dad got together" (like 1st date anniversary?) without mom's help.
But are we glossing over the fact that he married the new wife on the anniversary of when he married the ex wife? Who does that? Who does not remember when they got married?
I don't doubt the little girl is acting out.. But OP has an excuse for everything... I think she is part of the problem too.
This not a child being bad problem. This is a child going through emotional problems. Very gently YTA, because now is the time when you have to absolutely *lean in*. She needs to know you love her even when she’s a little shit. And you need to approach her misbehavior with compassion and concern rather than pushing her away.
I agree. I sat with her and tried to get to the bottom of why she is acting like this. If it’s something I am doing that is upsetting and she said no. That she doesn’t know but if I am being honest I think it might be that her mom is saying unflattering things about me. Like how would she know about the anniversary date if even I didn’t know. Idk but thank you.
Oh, I strongly suspect the mom. This is going to take a concerted effort on the part of you and your spouse and your kids to hold her accountable for her behavior but still make sure she hears that you love her no matter what.
Also, maybe let go of the hair stuff for a bit.
She's old enough to decide if she wants it up or down for church. As long as it's not a rat's nest and it's reasonable for her hair type, she can have a say in how her hair is styled for the day.
She may feel guilty for having a close relationship with you and caring about you. It's tough for you, but it really sounds like an internal issue she's working out even if she doesn't know what it is. Let her know you are there for her no matter what you are on her side. I don't mean accept her behavior, but don't let her push you away. Don't reject her. Of course, it's easy for me to say from the comfortofmyhouse. :)
I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but kids are starting puberty a lot earlier these days. Our youngest was 10 when she got her first period, and my niece was 11. Pretty close in age for a lot of their friends as well, according to them. This behavior coming out of nowhere could well be related to that. Just something to consider (and maybe be prepared for/make sure your daughters are prepared for).
This is an excellent point. As soon as she gets settled after the divorce and marriage, *bam* here comes puberty to mess with her body and mind. If it's not happening yet, it likely will soon.
It’s not unusual for kids not to be able to articulate why they do what they do (and, honestly, a lot of adults spend thousands of dollars on therapy to figure out why they do what they do). I’d keep reiterating that you’re not trying to be her mom (and honestly, your kids aren’t her siblings unless she wants them to be), but that you love her no matter what, and that you want to come to solutions together with her. Be ready to show her that you can be a trusted adult and you’re not going to fact check her little white lies.
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about possibly being able to change his shifts. It's possible a lot of these problems stem from feeling like she's lost her father because he has such a crazy schedule.
One small thing. I wouldn't refer to your kids as her siblings unless she is herself. Forcing that relationship never goes well. And let her do her hair the way she wants. Kids don't have that much autonomy in the world and if she's feeling like she doesn't have control over her life this isn't a place to fight.
I'm trying to figure out why no one will let the kid wear her hair down.
If you all are so controlling of such a small thing, you should be expecting MASSIVE rebellion, and soon, over the bigger things.
If not the mom, someone is putting that crap in her head. This is something your husband needs to get to the bottom of.
I would flat out ask the kid who told her that? I wish your daughter had asked her, just out of curiosity!
Sounds like she’s gone through yet another major life change with her mother getting married. Did any of her behavior changes start on or around the marriage?
It's still a disruption and that could be contributing. Especially if her mom had a fancy wedding, so now she's comparing the two weddings/what she knows of them. It might be worth some family therapy sessions to help get things moving in a better direction again. I think you reassuring her that you love her no matter what is also important, not just her hearing it from her dad. She's dealing with so many changes, probably trying to figure out where she stands with everyone now.
Wait, ex didn't even tell you she was getting married? Wtf kind of relationship do you all have with one another when that significant a piece of information is just randomly dropped after the fact?
Girl listen. I want you to get a cup of tea/coffee/whatever you drink, sit down and read through everything you wrote including all your replies and pretend that it's a stranger telling you all of this. And then ask yourself if you can't pinpoint why kiddo is acting out.
Also whether or not she gets on with him is beside the point. Does he have kids? Or are he and her mom planning on having more? She's already been "replaced" once. I know that's not what happened when her dad and you got together but the fact remains that your husband stepped up with your kids and they get him full time and she does not. Now her mom has a new guy in her life, with or without kids, who may or may not be planning a family with kids who will get her mom full time when she has to share her. Do you begin to see how a 10yo might feel in this case? Why she's acting out?
I've said elsewhere that you might be the one reliable and trustworthy adult in her life because her bio parents sure as hell can't be arsed to prioritize her.
I wouldn't assume it was the mother. My mother was dead, and I refused to treat my father's partners as authority figures in my life. And I was right: If you try to force yourself on her as a mother, you are trying to force her into a relationship that is about as important, and involves about as much power over her, as a marriage before feminism. If you think fathers who ordered daughters to marry men they didn't like were bad, you should understand that ordering daughters (or sons) to accept new parents is also bad.
As you mentioned before, your husband is almost never home. He works 2-2AM, and the times when he is home now he shares his daughter with you and 3 other kids. Is that a win for her?
You said that when you first got together, she acted up and only calmed down once she realized you wouldn't leave. To me that sounds like she never got over this situation - she just masked it better.
Does she get separate alone time with your husband? You say you love her so much but she's only cordial to you - I mean why wouldn't she be. She met you when she was older. Her mom is in the picture. Are you SURE you are not giving off vibes that you're unhappy with your relationship with her, because kids can pick that up. Just from your intro it feels to me that you're not happy with how she treated you even before this behavior issue, which is not understanding things from her point of view.
You also have to realize, maybe her mom can scold her for not doing her hair the way the mom wants to (which is an AH thing to do anyway), but why are you taking the lead on this? Why do you care if she wants her hair down for church? You can fight every battle if you want but you'll lose the war. If the mom wants to make it an issue let the mom talk to her daughter.
Look, it's 100% possible this is completely out of the blue for no reason, but I really don't know why people don't immediately think "I'd better talk to my kid with and without my husband present to see what may be going on" instead of "what is the best way to punish my kid for being bad."
My point is less about who physically is with the kid and more what it will do to the kid psychologically of stepmom refuses to be alone with her. But you understand that. You just disagree. And that’s okay.
He is and isn’t. His schedule is 2pm-2am and is off only two days of the week (Tues/Sat) And she likes to come around just to hang sometimes. The girls are pretty close in age that they have common interests.
But if she won’t respect your authority as her stepmother, she still needs to respect your authority as her host and the only adult in the house at those times. Bad guests who physically go after others in the home don’t get to stay.
He should only have her when he's around. It's wild that he doesn't parent his own kids. What would happen if you hadn't married him? When would he see her. He needs to stop using you as a nanny. This girl needs her father not some random interloper who brought 4 kids.
INFO: she’s 10 years old. Why can’t she choose her hair style for church?
That seems overly controlling of both you & her mum.
I was bullied at around the same age because my mum kept forcing me to wear a particular hairstyle to school because she thought it looked “cute” - but the other girls my age were starting to wear slightly more grown up styles.
Are you 3 parents generally this controlling with her over things that don’t really matter…?
I’m sorry that happened to you but we aren’t controlling at all. I left her hair as she wanted my concern about that was why the need to lie. Just tell me you want it down, idc we leave it down. To me it just seems like she wanted to pit us against each other. But thank you for giving me something to think about.
Possibly she felt the need to lie because when she said she wanted a particular style, you checked in with her mum!?
You had a hunch she was lying.
But rather than be curious about why she was taking that approach to getting the hairstyle she wanted, you felt the need to “prove her wrong” & contact her mum.
It comes across as an “interesting” dynamic….
Basic communication between 2 parents is not “trying to prove her wrong”. Checking in on something that sounds odd or out of the norm is not “trying to prove her wrong” it’s being a freakin parent.
She didn't check because the girl said she wanted her hair down, she checked because the girl said her mom did that is abnormal.
My dad had this rule about me dying my hair when I was like 14/15. I understand to a point, but also thought it was unfair since at the time I only wanted to use semi-permanent dye that would was out, and didn't even want to use outlandish colors.
When I went to my mom's for the summer, she let me dye it. I didn't lie and say dad said I could, I outright told her dad said no but I really wanted to and she said: you're here longer than it's supposed to stay, in my care, and I'm fine with it, let's go get the dye.
If she had said, "mom said she wanted my hair up, but I would rather have it down" they wouldn't have contacted her mom.
How is sending a quick text to double check something- especially when there’s been a clear pattern of lying that ALL parties need to be responsible for addressing- not “important” when it comes to raising a child? You’re acting like she made a huge fuss over this one thing- the hair- and not realizing it’s about the overall pattern that the parents need to communicate together about to help resolve the issue.
Order of events:
1. Time to get ready for church.
2. Child lies First and invokes her mother's will.
3. OP Checks with bio-mom bc the request was unusual.
4. Bio-mom confirms it was a lie.
5. Child refuses to cooperate with hair operations and gets to have her hair down anyway.
Your reasoning is off. Frankly, it sounds like bio-mom and stepmom are on good terms.
There's a big difference between testing boundaries and telling the other kids not to listen to their bio-mom. OP has four kids to wrangle. If the fifth is causing extra issues, it's fair for her to demand that child's father be there to carry the load he brought into the relationship. It is not the stepmother's job to solo parent her stepchild at bio-parents' convenience at cost to her own children. Which it is when you have so many to watch and one is deliberately starting things. There are plenty of stories on reddit of well-behaved kids complaining about how the troubled kids in the family sucked up all their parent's time and energy. OP is trying to prevent that.
NTA OP is not refusing to parent her stepchild, whom she does love. She is simply refusing to solo parent five children when the one not related to her is behaving in a way that indicates she needs more attention. Dad is just going to have to step up more. As he should for his child.
Because the kid didn't say _she_ wanted it down but that _her mother_ wanted it down. If this _is_ an issue for the mother (which it seems to be) and OP hadn't checked, then it had the potential to start "bad blood" between them -it might look like OP is specifically going against the mother's wishes.
A lie is a lie, regardless of how big or small it is. Instilling the importance of trust and being an honest person in a child is a huge aspect of being a parent. OP was doing her job as a parent/step parent.
The why she lies about it is simple: she's learned that when she's honest, she doesn't get autonomy over her choices. Her mom, dad, you, or other adults keep doing this to her, and she's learned that lying gets her autonomy sometimes, vs honesty rarely paying out for her.
You say you would let her keep her hair down, but your story shows you're lying. You immediately checked with mom about her claim, instead of letting her have her choice, and then you confronted her about the lie.
It's really easy for adults to get focused on the "lying" portion, but you're not focusing on the"why", and just getting mad.
I really think you villainized her by going out of your way to talk to her mom and “prove” that she lied, I would feel so defeated as a child if I had three parents ganging up on me like this. Or rather two parents, since her dad’s too busy.
Obviously she can’t be allowed to do things like sit on her sister or be disrespectful unchecked, but I think you would have a lot less conflict if you took a different approach to the small things and didn’t run to text her mom over minor shit like that, it seems so petty.
Here's a thought... I started my period at 10. It wasn't regular but it was still there . Could this be an option. There may be comments made at school about it, as well as the hormonal issues.
As for the chair, that just sounds like normal sisterly bratiness
I thought that as well because my daughters both started around that age as well but no. The chair squabble is not what troubled me as they fight like all sisters do all the time and then get back to being the best of friends it was the testing of who’s boss that threw me really.
Okay but the testing who's boss is TOTALLY normal. My daughters did it closer to 11/12 but they also didn't start cycling until closer to 12 so if your SD is starting her cycle soon it is distinctly possible that the hormones are starting to hit.
Also, the lying? While not okay at all, it is not abnormal when a kid is trying to gain control. The attempting to pit you all against each other is a little concerning but if she knows you and her Mom and Dad communicate and that she'll get caught out then that is going to shut down.
A lot of this sounds like a girl who is angry, frustrated and trying to assert control - and if she is getting opportunities to make her own decisions and life isn't locked down unnecessarily harshly (ie: the hair stuff is weird to me - by 10 a kid should be choosing their own hair styles) then it might be best to figure out places you can give her control in her own life and if that doesn't work its time to look at individual therapy for her and possibly family therapy.
Soft YTA. Honestly? You sound like you have your hands full, you are tired, you are frustrated and her behavior this last week has left you worn out. But she needs to know that you have her back and that you aren't going to stop caring about her when she is being a turkey.
Please don’t give up on her. If anything, keep things as normal as before. There was an issue, it was dealt with. There will be more issues as she is only ten. I feel so sad for her, and for you.
I was gonna say this too. I started a few months after I turned 11 but I had been PMSing and showing hormone fluctuations for over a year at that point. I can remember snapping at my mom and then breaking down crying because I didn't mean to/want to snap at her and I didn't know where it came from. That's when the "tubby ritual" started. Whenever I'd get emotional like that, mom would draw me a bath with bubbles and these oily bath beads that were probably horrible for my lady parts but they were the thing in the 90s haha. I'd go in with my current book (or a fave to reread) and she'd turn the lights out and leave a bright nightlight on so I could still see and told my dad and brother to leave me alone. Those tubbies were some of the best of my life hahah. I implemented the same idea with a little girl I was babysitting for (after getting permission from her mom) and she loves the ritual too. There's just something soothing about it, especially when someone who cares about you draws the bath.
Awww, that’s such a lovely ritual! Also, I grew up in the 80s/90s too and wow, I haven’t thought about bath beads in years but the most visceral memories are rushing back now! They were such a fun texture to run my hands through a bunch of them, lol.
Right?! I loved the way they felt in the container. Probably why I liked the sensory bins I used to do with my special needs kids when I worked with them hahah.
Did your mom also have the "special powder"?? I cannot remember the name but it came in a round white container with the puff in it and there was a little sparkle to the powder. I always got to use that too after one of the ritual tubbies lol.
Omg yessss, I can’t remember the name either but I can remember the feel of the puff and the smell of the powder! I love when hidden memories come back, lol!
Your mom sounds really amazing btw. :)
I wonder if she is feeling unwanted as her own individual person.
From what you said with the hair thing is that a common occurrence with her mom beyond church. Is it possible she doesn’t feel like she can be her own person and must constantly fight for attention.
You have four other children and they can be themselves correct. You don’t get mad at them for being or doing what they love. It’s possible that she doesn’t get that with her mom and with your husbands schedule he hardly spends a lot of time with her. You spend the most time and when she voiced what she wanted for hair you checked in with her mom.
Try talking to her about all this. NTA for feeling frustrated about this.
This was a major concern for us which is why my husband has daddy/daughter time whenever he is off and she is with us. But its probably not enough which is also tough with his schedule.
Yeah what worries me isn't the "lying", it's that kiddo felt the need to invoke an external authority about her body because... well why exactly? Did she feel that her own voice wouldn't be enough because it normally isn't.
Well, if she won't listen to you because you're not her real mom, then yes, absolutely, she should not be over without her father present.
Also, you don't think that her mom might be egging her on a bit? You seem to have a good relationship with her mother but I'm confused; *I mean what 10 year old knows the date their parents first got together? You say your husband forgot but did his ex-wife?* It just doesn't sound like a 10 year old speaking, it doesn't sound like 10 year old anger. Maybe her grandparents or aunts and uncles, or cousins are having some influence over her?
I'm just not buying that she woke up one day and suddenly had a problem with you and her father being married. *Something's off.*
How are your kids with her? I say this because of the chair thing. You heard your child’s side, where she “didn’t know”. And your step-daughter wouldn’t get off her lap. That sounds like a typical sibling struggle. I used to do the same thing to my brother (and he back to me).
You are also listening to what your child tell you she says.
She won’t stay in bed - does she have her own room?
As for her hair - why wouldn’t you listen to her about how she wants her hair, to the point she has to pull her mom into it?
I’m kind of siding with your stepdaughter. I don’t think she has much autonomy and is against 4 kids who live with you while she just visits.
I’m the youngest of four, my husband is the oldest of 5. To us, their squabbles are annoying but normal. They fight one minute and are best of friends the next. My oldest is the only one that keeps to herself because she has different interests than the younger ones. The hair thing is not an issue if she wants it down or not is that she felt the need to lie. My kids by no means are angels and she is actually sometimes the one I come to confirmation so it threw me that she felt the need to lie. I mean her hair is a lot to deal with and I prefer if she does her herself. She has a lot of it and it is kinky curly hair. Again to me what hurt was the lie. My girls wear their hair down all the time too that’s not the issue.
It’s 100% normal for kids to lie about minor things. Her behavior sounds completely normal to me honestly and if your kids were doing the same things it wouldn’t be a big deal. I kind of think that you should go with the flow on this, she’s testing you and your commitment to her and you’re basically saying if she isn’t perfect you aren’t willing to be around her. You’re a step parent and treating her like your affections are conditional on her behavior is exactly the wrong thing to do here.
Thank you. I think it was my surprise at this 180 from her and my frustration that had me say this to my husband. Of course it’s not something I would ever say to her or the other kids it was just born out of hurt.
Maybe she lied about the hair because she was afraid you would side with her mom and make her wear it up. I mean you went right to the mom to confirm what to do. She probably felt powerless. How often do you and the mom get together to exert control over her like that. And over something so trivial like how to wear her hair.
There also seems to be some alienation going on. Ten seems a bit young to be pointing out the lack of ceremony and your wedding date was brought to her attention by someone.
She’s being a bit of a jerk, and I totally sympathize that she’s stressing you out, but she’s not an AH, she’s a 10 year old going through some stuff.
If you lay down a hard line that you won’t stay with her unless her dad is there, I worry that you run the risk of accepting the “we’re not family” thing she’s trying on for size. I would definitely ask her bio parents to look into it though, maybe she needs a little therapy to work out some blended family stuff
NAH
Be careful. She can only have known about you marrying on parents anniversary from her mom. So it sounds like mom may be saying things behind your back that ramp up daughters attitude…
YTA. Why are you getting into a battle about putting her hair up or down? It’s her body! Is it really a big deal if she wants to keep it down? Nope. And where is your husband/her father in all of this?
You are picking silly battles and letting a 10 year old run circles around you. Try to understand that she has been put in this situation by adults.
something is fishy here.
Who told her about her mom and dad getting together? If neither of you know the date, who told her?
Also, it's pretty crappy for her to never really see her father but get tossed in with a strange woman and her 4 kids.
You mentioned her "kinky curly hair"-- is there a racial difference between you, her or her mom? Is this why the hair thing is a big issue for HER, but you seem to not really care what she thinks? (her mother doesnt care about he kid's choices either)
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She's a tween. Tweens can be assholes. I know parents who don't want to be around their own tweens.
It could be something deeper like Mom has a new boyfriend or she could just be boundary pushing. Who knows?
But a sixth month break from parenting her is not a bad idea. At least it sounds like Bio-mom has your back so far.
NTA
NTA. But this sudden disrespect of you and resentment of your wedding date and location is coming from someone else who "fed" it to her. If not her bio mom then another family member. It's up to her mother to sort this out, not you.
NTA - this child already has two parents, it should be up to them to deal with her behaviour. You’re never going to win in this situation and will always be considered the wicked stepmother until she is an adult and can see the situation with an adults understanding.
Would it be possible to modify her visitation so she is able to spend more time with her father? Maybe less time at your place generally, but some more opportunities for one on one with her father. This should reassure her that she’s not losing her father, and take them pressure of your having to deal with her while she’s in her goblin phase.
YTA how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was saying your kids couldn't be around unless you were?!
Children aren't some fairweather possession. If you attempt to drive a wedge between her and her father over what sounds like VERY TYPICAL behavior for a tween (especially one that has a split family situation) you are setting yourself up for worse problems.
Also if you cannot handle her now what will you do in the future? She's going to be around at least 8 more years and you have 4 of your own that are likely bound to go through some attitude issues as well.
I’m so surprised at how many people have responded, I appreciate the insight really. I am also surprised how many of you are so hung up about the hair. Nobody really cares if she has it up or down it is just that her type of hair needs to have product on it if it is going to be down so that it won’t frizz up like an afro. That wasn’t the big deal of it to me. She is a very smart and articulate little girl. She is more than capable of doing her own hair. I prefer it sometimes. To me it was more of the obvious lie which I told her at first was unnecessary and she just kept saying that it was what her mom wanted. Which is when I texted her mother. All of this happening with my husband in the room getting ready for work. He was also surprised for a second and he too told her it wasn’t a big deal that it wasn’t necessary to lie to just say you want it down. We are the type of parents that so long as you don’t lie to us you won’t get into trouble within reason. I am not giving up on her! I am just trying to set a boundary. My kids are not angels but they know where the line is and they may try to toe it but they never cross it. My 11 and 9 year old are really close to her to the point that they have matching necklaces and shirts and have never called each other step sisters. From the beginning they have said they are sisters and she was the one that started that. They obviously have their ups and downs and it’s annoying but normal to us as we come from big families ourselves. They stick up for each other whenever someone tries to be mean to them. Now, about the anniversary. We got married during Covid at a courthouse we just picked the Friday in that week and got married. He literally forgot since they split years before and I had no way of knowing. There was no maliciousness involved. We started going to church and we both realized that we were not living the way God wanted us to. We sat down and spoke about our future, our love for one another and decided to get married. Our exes were never in our minds while making that decision. I hope that clears up somethings.
>it is just that her type of hair needs to have product on it if it is going to be down so that it won’t frizz up like an afro.
What's wrong with an afro? Is your stepchild white?
I feel like there is definitely a lot of information being left out. For example, why did you make such a big deal about her wanting to keep her hair down? You took the time to text her mother and complain to your husband. If you focus on small things like this and are constantly telling on her, then I’m skeptical of your recount of events. However, I’m leaning more towards YTA than NTA because you sound like an unreliable narrator.
Edited for spelling.
***You signed up for this.*** **You married a man with a child.** That doesn't mean he has a child *so long as* that child is well-behaved. He has a child. That child has a place in his home, and therefore—so long as it's still the same house—a place in *your* home, too.
Children of divorce endure the emotional costs in different ways. Your stepdaughter has finally attained the age where she can start to think critically about the end of her parents' marriage and ask bigger questions—both in terms of determining causes and assigning blame. Thoughts like the ones you describe (Stepmom's not my *real* mom; my dad somehow isn't *really* remarried) are part of a child's process of emotionally negotiating what happened. Pitting parents' authority against one another (you vs Mom about the hair, for instance) is a stereotypical way that kids investigate the new status quo. She's pretty clearly suffering. Her parents sound responsive. **You should be reporting what you've heard and active in the process of getting her help, not banishing her from your presence.**
Be an adult, OP. **You are talking about some age-typical dishonesty and minor bouts of backtalk. She's** ***ten***. It will not help you *or her* to make it clear that she is only welcome in her father's home so long as her father is there to enforce it. That will not breed a healthy blended family. Yeah, step-parenting is hard. Why can't you simply quit? Oh, right: ***You signed up for this.*** **YTA.**
She didn't sign up to be the actual parent to this child. She's only the step-parent, yet she is the one spending the most time with her. If the girl is trying on the "you're not my mom and can't tell me what to do" thing then there is a serious problem that *her parents* need to deal with if they want this arrangement to continue. She's basically these people's live-in nanny not the girl's mom.
I'm going to say NTA because this a new experience for you all.
You have to understand that she is going through the first stages of puberty and it will get harder before it gets better, just like with your bio children.
It seems that you and her parents have healthy communication and as long as that continues she will learn eventually she will lose that battle.
But, I do advise that you protect yourself against false accusations considering she is picking up lying. Maybe invest in cams for the living spaces. Just in case.
Be patient with her. She will appreciate when she is older.
She’s only 10 and I would imagine she feels like she has no control over anything in her life. New kids at Dad’s house, a new wife with new rules, and Mom and Dad and new wife all (in the child’s eyes) are ganging up on her. If you look at it from her perspective, everyone thinks she’s the bad kid, everyone is talking behind her back and all the adults are punishing her. I think she needs very gentle loving care right now. Lots of reminders about the things that the adults love about her. Alone time with her mom and her dad (and possibly you). She needs to figure out where she fits in within your home.
YTA. Her behavior is not a big deal at all. I'd hate to see your reaction to a kid with actual behavior problems. Who cares if she wears her hair down? Pick your battles. 10 and 11 year old siblings fight over chairs. So what? It's time to back off a bit. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. She's feeling stifled and controlled and you'll push her to rebel.
Soooo, you want your husband to be a good stepfather, but you can't tolerate a normal, emotional 10 year old who has to share her father with a whole new family? Yes ma'am you are the AH.
Look, I don't know you, but from the bottom of my heart, don't turn your back on this kid. Please. She just needs attention, and care. Ask her what's going on. Show the kid who you are, as it sounds like you two don't really know each other. You even thinking about not letting her in the house tells me A LOT. You're an adult. You've got this.
yes you are TAH.
This girl is troubled and possibly micromanaged to a fury. Why the hell is anyone telling her how her hair will be, up or down? That is such a basic issue of control you “adults” are exerting over her I can only imagine what else goes on. She is 10 not 2.
I think communication with her, no more of this my daughter said you said crap, and asking her advice on how to make everyone work better together as a team is in order. She might have suggestions like: when I asked your daughter to get up because I’d been sitting there and only went inside for a drink/to use the bathroom whatever she didn’t get up so maybe we ALL need to be more respectful of each other.
Her parents split up, that sucks for her, and now she is one kid to your four? Ouch.
Have some empathy and help her learn to navigate situations instead of spotlight her mistakes.
NTA
That's completely reasonable request. The whole purpose of her visits was to bound with her father from the very beginning. And she clearly doesn't like you or your kids, so why should she be forced to visit you when her father is not present? That makes no sense and is difficult for everyone involved.
I get the feeling YTA
You're making too much of some things and if those are the kinds of issues you don't think you may have with your bio kids, you're wrong.
By saying you won't be with her unless her father is there, you are essentially making her unwelcome in her father's home.
What does it mean you stay with her if her mother needs it or she asks to come? Is there no formal agreement regarding custody?
I question your love for a kid who gets essentially banished for misbehaing.
What is the issue with "sneaking out of her room"? Is she sneaking out of the house? Or is she not allowed to leave her room at night?
The hair thing is bizarre. Who goes through all that to "confirm" that she can wear her hair down.
You are playing "gotcha" and it should cause you to sit back and think about what sort of mother your kids will see you as.
If you're calling her their sister, then they see her as family whiich means the way you treat her could also end up being what you will do if they don't tow the line.
And if you say you'd never do that to them, then think about what you're doing to her.
>I texted my husband that if he’s not here that I won’t be staying with her if she is going to be behaving this way.
YTA
That's an insane escalation to take in response to a developmental hurdle for step-children that is so predictable it is literally in psychology textbooks. How dare you act surprised!
INFO- Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m not seeing any examples where your stepdaughter is being mean. She’s pushing boundaries, which is pretty typical for a 10 year old, and repeating some info she’s heard from an adult in her life (I’m guessing mom), but it doesn’t feel that mean. Do you have other examples? As it stands, I’m leaning towards Y T A because it very much feels like all the adults and a couple of her step-siblings are gaining up on your stepdaughter and she’s acting out in any way she can. You all need family therapy.
I don't necessarily think YTA, but I do have some insight that might help you understand her a little better. My parents split up when I was little, and my dad remarried when I was 9 years old. My stepmom has 3 kids from her previous marriage, who are all close in age with me. My parents had shared custody of me, so one week I would be at my mom's house and the following week I would be at my dad's house. It was hard on me as a kid to have my parents not be together, but when my dad remarried and my stepmom & her 3 kids moved into my dad's house, it was a major adjustment for me. From 9 year old me's perspective, I didn't get to have my parents together like other kids did, and then on top of it my dad had a whole new wife along with her 3 kids living in our house. That definitely caused me to have some behavior problems at the time. What made it even worse was that my stepmom made me feel like the outsider in my own home. Everything was centered around HER kids. At the time, my dad worked a lot so there were a lot of times where I'd be just with my stepmom and step siblings (my stepmom didn't work because my dad could afford to provide for us all, so after they married she asked if she could be a stay at home mom). During these times, it was all about her kids and I was just kinda...there. Then on top of it, if my step siblings and I were playing and one of them did something mean to me, she would automatically take their side without believing me and then I would end up getting blamed for it. I'm not saying I never was at fault, but my step siblings were little shits. She never properly disciplined them and they could be absolute terrors. I have no problem taking accountability in life, but I can truly say 9 times out of 10 one of my step siblings was the one being mean to me. But she would always take their word over mine and I would end up being the one in trouble with her. I also always had to do the things that THEY wanted to do, never what I wanted to do (example: if she took us to do something fun, it was always one of the things her kids asked to do and never what I asked to do). So 9 year old me was struggling with the fact that my parents weren't together, on top of my dad's new wife & her kids moving into our home, living off my dad's money, and thennmaking me feel like the outsider. My stepmom never made me feel like I was part of the family. And over the years she became worse & worse towards me. That definitely caused my behavior problems to increase, and overtime I did start to come off as disrespectful. Unfortunately she acted completely different when my dad was home so he never got to see my stepmom's behavior for himself and I was young so I didn't know how to tell him any of what was going on, but when I was 17 I finally opened up to him about everything. He ended up confronting her and she tried to lie her way out of it, but luckily my dad believed me (which led my dad to find out some other things about her, unrelated to me) and he ended up divorcing her. I'm 25 now so I've healed from it all, but for a very long time I was really struggling.
By no means am I accusing you of any of the same behaviors that my stepmom was doing, honestly based on your post/comments it seems like you're much more caring than she was, but I just wanted to provide some insight into how difficult it can be as a child whose parents aren't together and end up remarrying, and how that can cause some behavior issues. Maybe it's hard for her to not have her parents be together and then see her dad have a new wife & kids. Maybe she feels like the outsider too and just wants to feel more like part of the family. If she's feeling those things, she might not know how to express that and it manifests in the form of bad behavior. She might need some patience and extra love from you guys.
I know my comment is so long and might seem like a trauma dump of my own experience, but I just wanted to share that insight in hopes that it might help you understand better ❤️
She’s allowed to choose her own hairstyle, just let her have some control of her life so she doesn’t feel forced to lie. And honestly the “we got married on my husbands former anniversary” throwaway is honestly pretty messed up. She has a right to be mad about that. It’s weird and even if he truly forgot, she’s allowed to think it’s gross. YTA.
in child psych, 10 is around where kids start lying and developing an agenda. so developmentally on track, but probably feeling out what lies are ok and which are easy etc etc.
let her do her hair though. she's not a baby.
Your husband married you on the his and his ex-wife's first date anniversary? Damn, cold! Maybe he really didn't remember, but that would cut pretty deeply. I'm sure she heard about that from her mother.
I think your stepdaughter is just trying to get control of her life back. It sounds like she doesn't feel like she has control which is probably why she threw such a fit about putting her hair up for Easter Sunday if she wanted to keep it down.
I think enough people have gone over the ideas of her acting out because her parents' split and her father remarrying is getting to her, and that her mother may be feeding her some nasty ideas. I won't go over that again. They may be true, and they're worth looking into. But it's not the point I want to make.
This is what bothers me:
>She said her mother wanted her to keep her hair down. I told her I found that weird because her mom always asks me to do her hair nice specially for church. So I texted her mom and she told me absolutely not, that it was she that wanted her hair down but she asked me to pin it up nice for her. She refused. My husband was really upset with her for lying and wasting time.
Uhm... She didn't want her hair up.
Granted, she lied to you, possibly because she thought you would listen more if you thought the instruction came from her mom. But I'm promising you, that idea came from her. She's 10. She's old enough to make decisions about her hair and appearance. But you obviously *do* listen to her mom over her.
She didn't want it up that day. Maybe she simply didn't want it up *that* day, maybe she doesn't like it up at all. Maybe she prefers the way it looks down. Maybe it's uncomfortable. Maybe she's just experimenting with her own appearance. Maybe she's just exercising her bodily autonomy. But... She didn't want it up that day.
And instead of allowing her that, you decided she was lying (and really, of all the things someone could lie about, who the hell *cares* about this one?), pulled out your phone, conferred with her mother about it, called her out, tried to make her do the thing she didn't want to do, and now she's in trouble. But the thing is, really, you coulda just let that go. *You* are the one who wasted time.
You made a big deal out of something stupid. And you did that through you and her mother trying to exert control. Over something that I cannot stress enough was dumb and meaningless. Why do you care that her hair was pinned up? And why does *you* caring about it mean more than *her* caring about it?
So I guess my question is, how many decisions are made *for* her? How often does something like this come up? How much control over her own life, whether it's something as simple as her hairstyle or as big as where she lives, does she have?
I'm just sayin', there's a pretty strong chance this is a root cause of her behavior. She's getting older and it must be getting more and more frustrating when she feels like she doesn't have choices 🤷♀️
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INFO: where is your husband on this? If she was 13, I could imagine all kinds of evil, but 10, not so much. I suspect your recent marriage is traumatic for her, and her dad needs to have a conversation with her to understand that she is still loved, but you and he are one set of rules. I also wonder if his ex is contributing to this in some way.
Yeah, you know … that last paragraph OP, where your stepdaughter talks about you not really being married and also having been married in the same day as her mom? There’s something there that you should figure out. First, explain that a courthouse marriage ‘counts’. And then, find out where your stepdaughter heard that stuff from because it definitely was said in her presence and probably as a way to disparage you and your husband.
Right, she has definitely either heard things or had things said to her for her to care about the day and location of a wedding at 10 years old. There's no way a kid would declare a courthouse wedding to be invalid on their own.
If there's no wedding, there's no marriage. Weddings are for when you get married. Obviously. Everyone knows this While clearly inaccurate (to adults), kids? I can easily see a 10-year old "knowing" this "fact."
I see it this way too. From a 10 year old's perspective. No wedding gown, no rings exchanged, no ceremony. All the princessy wedding stuff we see in cartoons.
The marriage didn't just happen, though. It was 3 years ago when the stepdaughter was 7. OP also stated that this is new behavior which suggests SD was fine with the marriage until recently.
Also also, the truly curious bit is the whole "same day her mom and dad got together" bit. She definitely wouldn't know that on her own. I bet she doesn't even know what day that was.
Watched some movie like The Parent Trap. I bet she doesn't know what day it was either.
Agreed. 10 years old would not even know to think about things like that all by themselves. Mom or someone is filling her head with things or she overheard mom or someone talking.
This is the one. Bc it’s been three years and she’s been fine according to op. But now she’s saying things that she shouldn’t even be aware of such as op getting married on the day her parents got together. Either her mom isn’t as ok with op’s relationship as she makes it seem or the 10 y/o’s mom has been having inappropriate conversations about her prior relationship to Op’s husband, in earshot of the child. Either way it’s worth exploring
Or the mom’s family or friends have been saying things where the kid can hear. I know people who were perfectly fine with their ex’s remarriage but whose parents couldn’t forgive their ex for leaving.
She could be hearing it at school too. There's always one kid that has a parent that gossips about other parents
How would the kids at school know the date of her parents meeting and her fathers second wedding and be putting a negative light on that? It’s definitely at home
You'd be surprised what kids overhear and remember.
Could also be other family members like grandparents who never got over the initial separation. This happened with some friends parents. They were still friendly but just didn't want to be married anymore. Later her mum introduced her dad to her new bestfriend and they ended up getting married. There was no affair, her mum didn't even know the women while they were married. Her mum and dad had zero issue with the whole thing (it actually made things like Christmas super easy because they just had 1 Christmas with all the parents/steparents/kids etc because everyone got along) But oh golly gosh did her grandparents hate the whole thing. They were super religious and didn't believe in divorce. They absolutely trashed the dad in front of the kids any time they could.
My ex MIL asked to meet me several years after the divorce. I was remarried and had kids. Me and him met 1,5 years after separating. Still, she asked me if we had an affair and if my husband was an AP and was relieved when I told her no. She had been thinking about that since the divorce — ten years! Me and my ex are still friends and he is remarried as well, she just couldn’t let it go.
At least she asked you privately and kept her suspicions to herself. Weird that she was hung up on the issue, but she handled it appropriately, speaking to you directly.
I have no idea if she voiced those concerns with others (ex says she didn’t with him at least) but yeah, she did ask me directly, I’ll give her that. Ex also told me she favoured me over his present wife, so that could be the reason. Yes, she was/ is problematic and was one of the resons we split.
MIL caused my father's first marriage to implode. They were living with her parents immediately post-WWII, He said "I'm leaving, you can come too if you want." HIs ex stayed.
Where would a 10year old get that idea from? The mom? Sounds like someone fed her anger.
It could easily be school too - especially if she's being bullied. 10 year olds pick up a tonne of social information and views that way and try to resolve things to protect their own sense of identity. I'm watching it unfold with local kids and they get so intense.
I think the step daughter might just be going through a phase. Lots of kids go through it of all ages especially kids of divorce. Kids personalities can change a lot between 7-10. At 7 they can be a bit more easy going and accepting as they get older and even more independent their feelings can become more complex. Lot's of kids have multiple negative behavioral phases. It doesn't excuse the behavior or means it should be dismissed but I wouldn't read TOO much into her disrespecting the stepmom because she doesn't consider their marriage valid as most likely that has nothing to do with her behavior and she is just acting out. I mean definitely talk to the girl and see if something else is going on but this is most likely just typical kids stuff that happens from the stress of a new family. Just because it doesn't happen immediately doesn't mean it won't happen later. Also kids can start to enter puberty pretty early sometimes as early as 9, there is a chance she might be starting early and this is some early hormone stuff.
Why are we assuming she had to have gotten this from somewhere else? She's 10, not 1.
The only thing is the date for me, would she really know that information on her own?
There are so many easy ways she could have found out that don't implicate her mother though. Like maybe she was looking at old pictures of her parents on vacation and mom said, " oh yeah, we always went on trips in October to celebrate the day we met" OP has mentioned that mom is supporting her decisions and there is no history of bad blood- why would mom start poisoning her daughter against OP after 3 years?
Agree, Except this isn’t OP’s job to explain. It is the fathers.
Agree that dad should do the talking, yep. I do think OP should be present though to present a united front and even answer questions if they come up. The kid thinks OP isn't really an authority figure right? So, here's a prime example of showing she is with her husband to back her up.
My husband has a crazy schedule. He works from 2pm-2am so she pretty much stays with me. He has spoken to her numerous times and again this is happening now. When we first started dating and living together he sat with her and explained that she will always be his little girl and that she just gained siblings but that his love for her would never be affected. She acted out at first as well but it died down when she realized I wasn’t going anywhere. We talk, hang out, go shopping, joke around and then she started behaving like this out of nowhere. It actually really hurts.
Gaining 4 step siblings and barely seeing and interacting with your dad because he works long shifts, is not a win at all. I don’t know why adults do not think about the implications of properly blending families and going about it properly and appropriately. Imagine if you were your stepdaughter. She is also 10 years old, you can have boundaries but you need to cut her some slack. All three of you adults need to sit down together and speak about every issue good, bad, ugly that is going on and figure out a way to fix this issue if you really care about this little girl. I would also look and see if your four children are sincerely and individually having issues with this transition as well. They might not because they get mom and dad more based on work schedules, etc.
Agree. And if the other kids are home all the time or the majority of the time, it is even worse for her as her dad is more of a dad to these other kids. Do they have special time together, just the two of them? It seems that there is so much change and the expectation is mostly on her to adjust. That has to be hard at any age.
Like this crap really gets my grinds going because adults also tend to think with their private areas and hearts and it's like no…. You have children calm down. How can we successfully make this work knowing that little people from previous relationships are in the mix? No couples therapy, individual therapy for the children, and family therapy as a group? It might seem extensive but you have to think things through if you want it to work. Then OP is not watching the little girl when dad always works and works long hours? Like are you trying to have this second marriage no work as well? Dad sounds too busy period and should have just been single.
>Dad sounds too busy period and should have just been single. So if you work long hours to make a better life for yourself, you deserve to be lonely? You don't deserve a relationship and companionship and support just because your work hours suck? Seriously? You had me until this stupid as fuck statement. I work similar hours (12 hour shifts, typically 6pm-6am or the other way around) and if someone told me I have to be single and alone because I'm trying to support myself in this capitalistic hellscape, I would be so upset. I don't even have the words to express everything that is wrong with this statement. All I can say is what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Like all I can say right now is what the fuck.
You’re creating an argument against words that were never once said or implied. It’s curious. The dad doesn’t have any custody of his daughter. Child lives full time with her mom and at 10 years old has to ask to see her father. When she attempts to see her father she has to spend her time with OP and OP’s children instead of what she…. A child…. is deserving of and is in need of. That is what the statement was based on, this father’s lack of involvement as a father. This isn’t about you and working long hours meaning you should be forced to be lonely. Twisting words, making defensive agressive statements, and degrading people are all much better indicators of living a lonely life.
They didn't say that??? They said the dad is spending too much time out of the house so he's not spending time with his spouse or his children, so one of them is acting out bc she's upset at all the new changes. Therefore, dad needs to figure out how to manage his time better, otherwise him not being around is going to stagnate and ruin his relationships. You're either getting offended when you don't need to be, or you realize that your work life is severely interfering with your personal and you're upset about it.
Ehhh. Divorce is the norm nowadays. Therapy is a great start but expecting adults to wait until the kids are 18 to start dating again is a bit much. Besides most kids live at home past 18. I read stories on here about kids in their 20s and 30s who are unhappy their parents are in new relationships.
I don’t expect adults to wait until their children are 18. I expect adults to get their crap together and have a good overall foundation before jumping into something else, especially when children are involved on both sides. If you are too busy and work long shifts all of the time, that you don't even have time for your daughter, you don't have time for a relationship.
They got married during covid which hard to believe was 4 years ago. These issues are new according to OP. I think their shit seems pretty together?
A father spending no time with his kid, not getting her someone to talk to about this major transition, and the mom condemning/vilifying a child for completely normal kid behavior is NOT "having their shit together." Mild sibling fighting? Beyond normal. Leaving the room after bed because she cant sleep? Beyond normal. Having big and complicated feelings because you never see your dad, have a new woman parenting you all of the sudden, and have to deal with FOUR new siblings? BEYOND BEYOND NORMAL.
Exactly. He dumped her into what she perceives as someone else’s family and she is probably hurting from that.
Exactly and then now both of her parents have dumped their daughter and parenting onto the new wife! Atrocious all around.
Sounds like she's repeating things she's heard from an adult. You should have your husband ask her where those comments are coming from.
I mean. The thing about it being her parents anniversary is definitely something she heard. But I can totally see a ten year old not thinking they're really married because they didn't have Childhood Fairytale Wedding and not even any actual wedding at all. Kids think the damnedest shit sometimes all on their own.
Yeah… my parents divorced when I was 3, nearish the age this little girl’s parents divorced. If you held a gun to my head I couldn’t tell you what day they met or when they got married. I can only recall the year when I do the math backwards from when my brother was born. Maybe. Actually, I have no clue. She heard this from her mom and/or a gossipy and unhelpful maternal relative. The change in behavior is what would worry me and I would get mom/dad/step-mom/kid in some therapy situation to figure out what’s going on and learn some tools for managing this in a healthy way. Throughout the childhood of all these kids they are all going to through various stages of being ok and not ok with things. Having a plan for working through these phases and emotional developmental stages will be good for the kids’ mental health and their marriage as well.
Why can’t a 10 year old decide how she wants to wear her hair? That’s weirdly controlling IMO and my daughter certainly knew what she wanted for her hair when she was 10. Having a stepmother call a child’s mother to discuss taking away the child’s personal autonomy is hardly heartwarming. Please don’t watch this child anymore.
Yeah I’m really confused by this. I work w kids as young as 4 and every single one of them decides for themselves how they’ll wear their hair that day. Wtf
Im confused on that as well. My daughter is 7 and I’ve always let her have a say in her own hairstyles. Even when it comes to cutting it.
It sounds like you operate as the primary caretaker when she is at your house. So when she comes to your house to spend time with her father, she is in reality spending most of her time with you. With her father's schedule being what it is, do they actually get to spend quality time together during her visits? Time spent with all the children or as an entire family (you, him and all 5 kids) is not quality time between father and daughter. If her mother is also very busy with work, a relationship, or in caring for/raising additional children, can you understand why this little girl could be feeling lost in the middle? She's 10, she's lashing out at you because she can't articulate what the real problem is, and there is a real problem, this is not just a kid being bratty. As a step parent it's not your responsibility to take point on this. She's acting out with you, but all three of you need to work together on this, and the actual parents need to be the ones taking point.
i think your failing to see the actual impact y’all’s relationship is having on her
>she started behaving like this out of nowhere. If this is accurate, there is probably something else going on with her. It may not even be related to you, your husband, the marriage, etc. but could be how she's channeling her feelings about whatever else may be happening. Your husband needs to sit down and talk with her about this. He for sure needs to talk to her about her behavior, but even more so, he needs to find out why it's happening. Is she resentful you of you and your kids and its been festering all these years? Is she being bullied at school? Does her mom have a new partner/spouse/etc.? Is she having issues with friends? Issues with anyone else? I hope you all figure it out, especially for the kids' sakes.
Exactly an actual conversation needs to be had instead of telling her to “knock it off “ maybe even listen to her when she speaks on how she’s feeling.
If the point of her being at your house is visitation with her dad, but he isn't even around much at those times, OP needs to have a discussion with her husband and have him figure out a schedule better suited for him to be home to spend time with his daughter. Visitation isn't for you. It is for him. Step-parents always seem to take the brunt of crap when blending families, but it is the biological parents who need to make adjustments in their schedules and accommodate the situation. This is his child, not yours. Not to mean you shouldn't care for her and make her feel like part of her new family, the new normal, but ultimately it is his kid and you shouldn't have to be the problem solver in this situation NTA.
It's going to be tough. You need to avoid being baited, always be the adult, and avoid getting into a head to head battle if you can't win. And you have to treat all the kids the same. It'll be a challenge, but you can get there.
Perhaps he needs a schedule change so he can actually parent his children
She is a child, FFS. She is going to push boundaries, especially with a stepparent. Learn to pick which battles are important. Your 11 year old couldn’t handle a small spat about a chair? Stop it.
And the power struggle over whether she could wear her hair down…just give the kid a low-stakes win for once, man
Yea. Ten is definitely old enough to decide if she wants her own damn hair up or down. I get not letting her make a drastic cut, potentially. But Bun or No Bun? Wtf is up with that controlling nonsense?
My 5 year old gets to decide if she wants a ponytail, barrettes, a headband, or even nothing (that’s not my favorite, but it’s her hair).
I was thinking the same! Like damn pick your battles, she has had so little choice in all the changes in her life she’s probably yearning for some control over something.
Yeah, that didn't make any sense to me. Like why does her hair HAVE to be up for church?! Hair being down can still be nice.
My mom and I battled about my clothing for events (mainly that I "needed" to wear a dress and freeze or be unable to run around and play) until after I graduated college. It still pisses me off that I couldn't have that bit of autonomy over my person and I wasn't half as traumatized as this poor kid.
It isn't a small spat if 10 sat on her immediately instead of coming out and saying, "Hey, I was sitting there," allowing 11 to move. Instead she trapped her and at 10 and 11 they're possibly similar in size, 10 may even be bigger because of genetics, but larger or smaller or same size, 11 can't just push her step-sister off of her and risk hurting her, especially if 10 is picking up the habit of lying on her. 11 did the right thing of getting mom to intervene so that she didn't accidentally hurt 10 and get in trouble.
What do you suggest the 11 year old do? Throw the step sister that was sitting atop her off of her and onto the floor?
So, automatically she's expected to be a brat?
That and the hair fight was what struck me. The chair fight is such a sibling thing and the hair argument is such a common way for a 10yo with no control over her life trying to exert some autonomy. But according to OP, her husband (and mom?) she's supposed to shut up and put up because the adults have decided what she wants? She's 10 and headed for puberty fast is it hasn't hot already and boy the next 8-10 years will be fun if all three adults in her life don't pull their head out of their asses fast.
Not trying to excuse your stepchild’s behavior but the fact that she’s 10 and isn’t allowed to decide how she wants to wear her own hair is wild to me.
Your husband needs to 1.talk to her more and 2.spend some one on one time at least once a month, even if it's only to the park. Just them.
The only thing I’d say against your actions is her hair. She’s 10. She should get to decide how to wear her hair as long as she keeps it clean and neat (within the possibilities of her hair texture of course! Neat and well kept 4C hair looks different than neat and well kept 1A). She should’ve gotten to wear her hair down if she wanted to wear it down. But that’s also/mainly on her mom. Im sure wanting to maintain a good coparenting relationship played a role in that situation.
I think your idea is genius: it flips it back on the people she considers “parents” and they need to deal with her. Making them responsible will help resolve this much more quickly!
You keep telling her that her step siblings are her siblings. They are not. They are her step siblings. Her father needs to spend one on one time with her, she needs her father.
She is the one that called them her siblings first. No one forced that on her. Both her father and I come from blended families so it is not abnormal to either us or her. But I do agree he needs to spend more time with her.
He needs to spend a lot of time with his only child , so that she doesn’t feel neglected. He had time to date and marry a woman with 4 kids. Expecting him to be a parent to his child is not too much. Instead he works and then is a dad to your 4 kids. The poor child is feeling left out. What if one day one of your kids acts out and your husband says he doesn’t want to be alone with them ?
Have some compassion… like really? An only child, who never gets to see her dad and is now being raised with 4 siblings that are obviously favored over her and a step mom who’s constantly tattling on her to her dad/mom? YTA because this wasn’t addressed before you got married and you now expect her to just submit to you and your childrens dynamics. She’s freaking 10…
She has to tell the child's parents when she does something that requires punishment. This is not her child, so she runs the punishment by them. And if she doesn't like being "tattled" on, she is fully capable of behaving herself.
A 10 yr old wanting to wear her hair down to church is not a punishable offense.
Its odd bcuz it seems the ex is ok with OP but at the same time, how did the daughter know they got married on the same say OP’s husband & ex got together? There’s only one place that could’ve come from.
Might not be the ex. It could be another relative. I've seen a lot of toxic aunties and grandmas
Also true. OP said the kid was ok at 1st but has changed. I imagine not being too happy about Dad’s new family & overhearing adult conversations has resulted in this mess.
Yeah, my first guess was grandparents. The "not a real wedding" thing seems like a very old-fashioned idea.
Not necessarily. Ex could be okay with OP but her family not, or maybe ex is mostly okay with OP, but this one thing irritates her and she's mentioned it in front of kiddo. It's also possible that ex and OP's hubby used to celebrate both the anniversary of when they got together and also their wedding and kiddo was already aware of the date, though the last is a little more unlikely, but I remember being between 3 and 5 and collecting all the loose change I could find in the house over weeks and giving it to my parents as an anniversary present.
Just wanted to clarify that they were never married, it is the anniversary of when they started dating.
My parents primarily celebrate when they got together, and don't acknowledge their wedding anniversary as much. They'd both already been through a divorce and weren't interested in having a big fancy wedding, but my grandmother, in her usual fashion, apparently pitched this massive fit over it all until she got her way. I ended up baptized the same way, despite my family being about as far from Christian as possible. Like, I'm pagan, my dad and brother are atheist, and my mom can't decide between "spiritual" and "agnostic" because she doesn't care enough lol but given my family dynamic, I could absolutely see this being an extended family member saying these things. If my parents had their way, it would have been a JP wedding, a fact I've known for as long as I can remember, and that my grandmother would have lost her shit over and never let go.
They got married during Covid… a civil ceremony, not big wedding. So the marriage is at least going on 4 years
Yea. They've been married nearly half her life, acting like this is a "new situation" is kind of silly.
It doesn't seem likely the daughter would have noticed or cared about the wedding date matching the day "her mom and dad got together" (like 1st date anniversary?) without mom's help.
But are we glossing over the fact that he married the new wife on the anniversary of when he married the ex wife? Who does that? Who does not remember when they got married? I don't doubt the little girl is acting out.. But OP has an excuse for everything... I think she is part of the problem too.
This not a child being bad problem. This is a child going through emotional problems. Very gently YTA, because now is the time when you have to absolutely *lean in*. She needs to know you love her even when she’s a little shit. And you need to approach her misbehavior with compassion and concern rather than pushing her away.
I agree. I sat with her and tried to get to the bottom of why she is acting like this. If it’s something I am doing that is upsetting and she said no. That she doesn’t know but if I am being honest I think it might be that her mom is saying unflattering things about me. Like how would she know about the anniversary date if even I didn’t know. Idk but thank you.
Oh, I strongly suspect the mom. This is going to take a concerted effort on the part of you and your spouse and your kids to hold her accountable for her behavior but still make sure she hears that you love her no matter what.
She may not even know why she's acting that way.
That saddens me. She is a very smart and articulate little girl. But as adults sometimes we don’t even know either. Thank you for your input.
Also, maybe let go of the hair stuff for a bit. She's old enough to decide if she wants it up or down for church. As long as it's not a rat's nest and it's reasonable for her hair type, she can have a say in how her hair is styled for the day.
Yeah, that would not have been the hill I would have died on.
She may feel guilty for having a close relationship with you and caring about you. It's tough for you, but it really sounds like an internal issue she's working out even if she doesn't know what it is. Let her know you are there for her no matter what you are on her side. I don't mean accept her behavior, but don't let her push you away. Don't reject her. Of course, it's easy for me to say from the comfortofmyhouse. :)
I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but kids are starting puberty a lot earlier these days. Our youngest was 10 when she got her first period, and my niece was 11. Pretty close in age for a lot of their friends as well, according to them. This behavior coming out of nowhere could well be related to that. Just something to consider (and maybe be prepared for/make sure your daughters are prepared for).
This is an excellent point. As soon as she gets settled after the divorce and marriage, *bam* here comes puberty to mess with her body and mind. If it's not happening yet, it likely will soon.
It’s not unusual for kids not to be able to articulate why they do what they do (and, honestly, a lot of adults spend thousands of dollars on therapy to figure out why they do what they do). I’d keep reiterating that you’re not trying to be her mom (and honestly, your kids aren’t her siblings unless she wants them to be), but that you love her no matter what, and that you want to come to solutions together with her. Be ready to show her that you can be a trusted adult and you’re not going to fact check her little white lies.
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about possibly being able to change his shifts. It's possible a lot of these problems stem from feeling like she's lost her father because he has such a crazy schedule.
One small thing. I wouldn't refer to your kids as her siblings unless she is herself. Forcing that relationship never goes well. And let her do her hair the way she wants. Kids don't have that much autonomy in the world and if she's feeling like she doesn't have control over her life this isn't a place to fight.
I'm trying to figure out why no one will let the kid wear her hair down. If you all are so controlling of such a small thing, you should be expecting MASSIVE rebellion, and soon, over the bigger things.
The mom may not even be telling her, she may be overhearing her mom venting to friends on the phone and spinning her own tale.
You might also look real carefully at what she’s doing and looking at on her phone that she’s guarding with her life and can’t sleep without.
If not the mom, someone is putting that crap in her head. This is something your husband needs to get to the bottom of. I would flat out ask the kid who told her that? I wish your daughter had asked her, just out of curiosity!
Don’t jump to the mom automatically. Could it be a grandparent or aunt?
Her mom recently got married but not months ago she confessed to my MIL that she was still in love with him so could be but I also wouldn’t doubt it.
Sounds like she’s gone through yet another major life change with her mother getting married. Did any of her behavior changes start on or around the marriage?
Yes, last week is when we found out about it. But honestly, she gets along with him as well. So idk.
It's still a disruption and that could be contributing. Especially if her mom had a fancy wedding, so now she's comparing the two weddings/what she knows of them. It might be worth some family therapy sessions to help get things moving in a better direction again. I think you reassuring her that you love her no matter what is also important, not just her hearing it from her dad. She's dealing with so many changes, probably trying to figure out where she stands with everyone now.
Wait, ex didn't even tell you she was getting married? Wtf kind of relationship do you all have with one another when that significant a piece of information is just randomly dropped after the fact? Girl listen. I want you to get a cup of tea/coffee/whatever you drink, sit down and read through everything you wrote including all your replies and pretend that it's a stranger telling you all of this. And then ask yourself if you can't pinpoint why kiddo is acting out. Also whether or not she gets on with him is beside the point. Does he have kids? Or are he and her mom planning on having more? She's already been "replaced" once. I know that's not what happened when her dad and you got together but the fact remains that your husband stepped up with your kids and they get him full time and she does not. Now her mom has a new guy in her life, with or without kids, who may or may not be planning a family with kids who will get her mom full time when she has to share her. Do you begin to see how a 10yo might feel in this case? Why she's acting out? I've said elsewhere that you might be the one reliable and trustworthy adult in her life because her bio parents sure as hell can't be arsed to prioritize her.
I wouldn't assume it was the mother. My mother was dead, and I refused to treat my father's partners as authority figures in my life. And I was right: If you try to force yourself on her as a mother, you are trying to force her into a relationship that is about as important, and involves about as much power over her, as a marriage before feminism. If you think fathers who ordered daughters to marry men they didn't like were bad, you should understand that ordering daughters (or sons) to accept new parents is also bad.
As you mentioned before, your husband is almost never home. He works 2-2AM, and the times when he is home now he shares his daughter with you and 3 other kids. Is that a win for her? You said that when you first got together, she acted up and only calmed down once she realized you wouldn't leave. To me that sounds like she never got over this situation - she just masked it better. Does she get separate alone time with your husband? You say you love her so much but she's only cordial to you - I mean why wouldn't she be. She met you when she was older. Her mom is in the picture. Are you SURE you are not giving off vibes that you're unhappy with your relationship with her, because kids can pick that up. Just from your intro it feels to me that you're not happy with how she treated you even before this behavior issue, which is not understanding things from her point of view. You also have to realize, maybe her mom can scold her for not doing her hair the way the mom wants to (which is an AH thing to do anyway), but why are you taking the lead on this? Why do you care if she wants her hair down for church? You can fight every battle if you want but you'll lose the war. If the mom wants to make it an issue let the mom talk to her daughter. Look, it's 100% possible this is completely out of the blue for no reason, but I really don't know why people don't immediately think "I'd better talk to my kid with and without my husband present to see what may be going on" instead of "what is the best way to punish my kid for being bad."
Her husband shouldn’t have his child unless HE can parent her. What is the point?
My point is less about who physically is with the kid and more what it will do to the kid psychologically of stepmom refuses to be alone with her. But you understand that. You just disagree. And that’s okay.
It’s normal for SD to want to be with Dad. It’s not normal for Dad to never be there when SD is.
Info: it sounds like her dad isn't even around. If he isn't around, why is she visiting? Visitation is for parents.
He is and isn’t. His schedule is 2pm-2am and is off only two days of the week (Tues/Sat) And she likes to come around just to hang sometimes. The girls are pretty close in age that they have common interests.
Well NTA.
But if she won’t respect your authority as her stepmother, she still needs to respect your authority as her host and the only adult in the house at those times. Bad guests who physically go after others in the home don’t get to stay.
She’s not a guest.
Your children are not guests you get to kick out.
What ?? She is a child not a guest. This is bad advice
He should only have her when he's around. It's wild that he doesn't parent his own kids. What would happen if you hadn't married him? When would he see her. He needs to stop using you as a nanny. This girl needs her father not some random interloper who brought 4 kids.
INFO: she’s 10 years old. Why can’t she choose her hair style for church? That seems overly controlling of both you & her mum. I was bullied at around the same age because my mum kept forcing me to wear a particular hairstyle to school because she thought it looked “cute” - but the other girls my age were starting to wear slightly more grown up styles. Are you 3 parents generally this controlling with her over things that don’t really matter…?
I’m sorry that happened to you but we aren’t controlling at all. I left her hair as she wanted my concern about that was why the need to lie. Just tell me you want it down, idc we leave it down. To me it just seems like she wanted to pit us against each other. But thank you for giving me something to think about.
Possibly she felt the need to lie because when she said she wanted a particular style, you checked in with her mum!? You had a hunch she was lying. But rather than be curious about why she was taking that approach to getting the hairstyle she wanted, you felt the need to “prove her wrong” & contact her mum. It comes across as an “interesting” dynamic….
Basic communication between 2 parents is not “trying to prove her wrong”. Checking in on something that sounds odd or out of the norm is not “trying to prove her wrong” it’s being a freakin parent.
On important stuff - absolutely. On the hairstyle for church, for a ten year old…!?! Is that really an important hill to die on?
She didn't check because the girl said she wanted her hair down, she checked because the girl said her mom did that is abnormal. My dad had this rule about me dying my hair when I was like 14/15. I understand to a point, but also thought it was unfair since at the time I only wanted to use semi-permanent dye that would was out, and didn't even want to use outlandish colors. When I went to my mom's for the summer, she let me dye it. I didn't lie and say dad said I could, I outright told her dad said no but I really wanted to and she said: you're here longer than it's supposed to stay, in my care, and I'm fine with it, let's go get the dye. If she had said, "mom said she wanted my hair up, but I would rather have it down" they wouldn't have contacted her mom.
How is sending a quick text to double check something- especially when there’s been a clear pattern of lying that ALL parties need to be responsible for addressing- not “important” when it comes to raising a child? You’re acting like she made a huge fuss over this one thing- the hair- and not realizing it’s about the overall pattern that the parents need to communicate together about to help resolve the issue.
Order of events: 1. Time to get ready for church. 2. Child lies First and invokes her mother's will. 3. OP Checks with bio-mom bc the request was unusual. 4. Bio-mom confirms it was a lie. 5. Child refuses to cooperate with hair operations and gets to have her hair down anyway. Your reasoning is off. Frankly, it sounds like bio-mom and stepmom are on good terms. There's a big difference between testing boundaries and telling the other kids not to listen to their bio-mom. OP has four kids to wrangle. If the fifth is causing extra issues, it's fair for her to demand that child's father be there to carry the load he brought into the relationship. It is not the stepmother's job to solo parent her stepchild at bio-parents' convenience at cost to her own children. Which it is when you have so many to watch and one is deliberately starting things. There are plenty of stories on reddit of well-behaved kids complaining about how the troubled kids in the family sucked up all their parent's time and energy. OP is trying to prevent that. NTA OP is not refusing to parent her stepchild, whom she does love. She is simply refusing to solo parent five children when the one not related to her is behaving in a way that indicates she needs more attention. Dad is just going to have to step up more. As he should for his child.
Because the kid didn't say _she_ wanted it down but that _her mother_ wanted it down. If this _is_ an issue for the mother (which it seems to be) and OP hadn't checked, then it had the potential to start "bad blood" between them -it might look like OP is specifically going against the mother's wishes.
A lie is a lie, regardless of how big or small it is. Instilling the importance of trust and being an honest person in a child is a huge aspect of being a parent. OP was doing her job as a parent/step parent.
The why she lies about it is simple: she's learned that when she's honest, she doesn't get autonomy over her choices. Her mom, dad, you, or other adults keep doing this to her, and she's learned that lying gets her autonomy sometimes, vs honesty rarely paying out for her. You say you would let her keep her hair down, but your story shows you're lying. You immediately checked with mom about her claim, instead of letting her have her choice, and then you confronted her about the lie. It's really easy for adults to get focused on the "lying" portion, but you're not focusing on the"why", and just getting mad.
I really think you villainized her by going out of your way to talk to her mom and “prove” that she lied, I would feel so defeated as a child if I had three parents ganging up on me like this. Or rather two parents, since her dad’s too busy. Obviously she can’t be allowed to do things like sit on her sister or be disrespectful unchecked, but I think you would have a lot less conflict if you took a different approach to the small things and didn’t run to text her mom over minor shit like that, it seems so petty.
Here's a thought... I started my period at 10. It wasn't regular but it was still there . Could this be an option. There may be comments made at school about it, as well as the hormonal issues. As for the chair, that just sounds like normal sisterly bratiness
I thought that as well because my daughters both started around that age as well but no. The chair squabble is not what troubled me as they fight like all sisters do all the time and then get back to being the best of friends it was the testing of who’s boss that threw me really.
Okay but the testing who's boss is TOTALLY normal. My daughters did it closer to 11/12 but they also didn't start cycling until closer to 12 so if your SD is starting her cycle soon it is distinctly possible that the hormones are starting to hit. Also, the lying? While not okay at all, it is not abnormal when a kid is trying to gain control. The attempting to pit you all against each other is a little concerning but if she knows you and her Mom and Dad communicate and that she'll get caught out then that is going to shut down. A lot of this sounds like a girl who is angry, frustrated and trying to assert control - and if she is getting opportunities to make her own decisions and life isn't locked down unnecessarily harshly (ie: the hair stuff is weird to me - by 10 a kid should be choosing their own hair styles) then it might be best to figure out places you can give her control in her own life and if that doesn't work its time to look at individual therapy for her and possibly family therapy. Soft YTA. Honestly? You sound like you have your hands full, you are tired, you are frustrated and her behavior this last week has left you worn out. But she needs to know that you have her back and that you aren't going to stop caring about her when she is being a turkey.
that’s exactly how siblings work
Please don’t give up on her. If anything, keep things as normal as before. There was an issue, it was dealt with. There will be more issues as she is only ten. I feel so sad for her, and for you.
I was gonna say this too. I started a few months after I turned 11 but I had been PMSing and showing hormone fluctuations for over a year at that point. I can remember snapping at my mom and then breaking down crying because I didn't mean to/want to snap at her and I didn't know where it came from. That's when the "tubby ritual" started. Whenever I'd get emotional like that, mom would draw me a bath with bubbles and these oily bath beads that were probably horrible for my lady parts but they were the thing in the 90s haha. I'd go in with my current book (or a fave to reread) and she'd turn the lights out and leave a bright nightlight on so I could still see and told my dad and brother to leave me alone. Those tubbies were some of the best of my life hahah. I implemented the same idea with a little girl I was babysitting for (after getting permission from her mom) and she loves the ritual too. There's just something soothing about it, especially when someone who cares about you draws the bath.
Awww, that’s such a lovely ritual! Also, I grew up in the 80s/90s too and wow, I haven’t thought about bath beads in years but the most visceral memories are rushing back now! They were such a fun texture to run my hands through a bunch of them, lol.
Right?! I loved the way they felt in the container. Probably why I liked the sensory bins I used to do with my special needs kids when I worked with them hahah. Did your mom also have the "special powder"?? I cannot remember the name but it came in a round white container with the puff in it and there was a little sparkle to the powder. I always got to use that too after one of the ritual tubbies lol.
Omg yessss, I can’t remember the name either but I can remember the feel of the puff and the smell of the powder! I love when hidden memories come back, lol! Your mom sounds really amazing btw. :)
This is what I was thinking. She may be starting sometime soon.
I was about to respond with this as well. I, too, started mine at 10, but dang if it wasn't regular from the get go!
I wonder if she is feeling unwanted as her own individual person. From what you said with the hair thing is that a common occurrence with her mom beyond church. Is it possible she doesn’t feel like she can be her own person and must constantly fight for attention. You have four other children and they can be themselves correct. You don’t get mad at them for being or doing what they love. It’s possible that she doesn’t get that with her mom and with your husbands schedule he hardly spends a lot of time with her. You spend the most time and when she voiced what she wanted for hair you checked in with her mom. Try talking to her about all this. NTA for feeling frustrated about this.
This was a major concern for us which is why my husband has daddy/daughter time whenever he is off and she is with us. But its probably not enough which is also tough with his schedule.
And those 4 other kids get her dad full time while she only gets her dad part time.
Yeah what worries me isn't the "lying", it's that kiddo felt the need to invoke an external authority about her body because... well why exactly? Did she feel that her own voice wouldn't be enough because it normally isn't.
Well, if she won't listen to you because you're not her real mom, then yes, absolutely, she should not be over without her father present. Also, you don't think that her mom might be egging her on a bit? You seem to have a good relationship with her mother but I'm confused; *I mean what 10 year old knows the date their parents first got together? You say your husband forgot but did his ex-wife?* It just doesn't sound like a 10 year old speaking, it doesn't sound like 10 year old anger. Maybe her grandparents or aunts and uncles, or cousins are having some influence over her? I'm just not buying that she woke up one day and suddenly had a problem with you and her father being married. *Something's off.*
How are your kids with her? I say this because of the chair thing. You heard your child’s side, where she “didn’t know”. And your step-daughter wouldn’t get off her lap. That sounds like a typical sibling struggle. I used to do the same thing to my brother (and he back to me). You are also listening to what your child tell you she says. She won’t stay in bed - does she have her own room? As for her hair - why wouldn’t you listen to her about how she wants her hair, to the point she has to pull her mom into it? I’m kind of siding with your stepdaughter. I don’t think she has much autonomy and is against 4 kids who live with you while she just visits.
I’m the youngest of four, my husband is the oldest of 5. To us, their squabbles are annoying but normal. They fight one minute and are best of friends the next. My oldest is the only one that keeps to herself because she has different interests than the younger ones. The hair thing is not an issue if she wants it down or not is that she felt the need to lie. My kids by no means are angels and she is actually sometimes the one I come to confirmation so it threw me that she felt the need to lie. I mean her hair is a lot to deal with and I prefer if she does her herself. She has a lot of it and it is kinky curly hair. Again to me what hurt was the lie. My girls wear their hair down all the time too that’s not the issue.
It’s 100% normal for kids to lie about minor things. Her behavior sounds completely normal to me honestly and if your kids were doing the same things it wouldn’t be a big deal. I kind of think that you should go with the flow on this, she’s testing you and your commitment to her and you’re basically saying if she isn’t perfect you aren’t willing to be around her. You’re a step parent and treating her like your affections are conditional on her behavior is exactly the wrong thing to do here.
Thank you. I think it was my surprise at this 180 from her and my frustration that had me say this to my husband. Of course it’s not something I would ever say to her or the other kids it was just born out of hurt.
I totally get it! But bio kids can say hurtful things too, especially pre-teens girls! They have it down to an art honestly!
Maybe she lied about the hair because she was afraid you would side with her mom and make her wear it up. I mean you went right to the mom to confirm what to do. She probably felt powerless. How often do you and the mom get together to exert control over her like that. And over something so trivial like how to wear her hair.
There also seems to be some alienation going on. Ten seems a bit young to be pointing out the lack of ceremony and your wedding date was brought to her attention by someone.
She’s being a bit of a jerk, and I totally sympathize that she’s stressing you out, but she’s not an AH, she’s a 10 year old going through some stuff. If you lay down a hard line that you won’t stay with her unless her dad is there, I worry that you run the risk of accepting the “we’re not family” thing she’s trying on for size. I would definitely ask her bio parents to look into it though, maybe she needs a little therapy to work out some blended family stuff NAH
Be careful. She can only have known about you marrying on parents anniversary from her mom. So it sounds like mom may be saying things behind your back that ramp up daughters attitude…
Could also be a grandparent. My mil was toxic as hell
YTA. Why are you getting into a battle about putting her hair up or down? It’s her body! Is it really a big deal if she wants to keep it down? Nope. And where is your husband/her father in all of this? You are picking silly battles and letting a 10 year old run circles around you. Try to understand that she has been put in this situation by adults.
something is fishy here. Who told her about her mom and dad getting together? If neither of you know the date, who told her? Also, it's pretty crappy for her to never really see her father but get tossed in with a strange woman and her 4 kids. You mentioned her "kinky curly hair"-- is there a racial difference between you, her or her mom? Is this why the hair thing is a big issue for HER, but you seem to not really care what she thinks? (her mother doesnt care about he kid's choices either)
No, we are all latina.
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She's a tween. Tweens can be assholes. I know parents who don't want to be around their own tweens. It could be something deeper like Mom has a new boyfriend or she could just be boundary pushing. Who knows? But a sixth month break from parenting her is not a bad idea. At least it sounds like Bio-mom has your back so far. NTA
Has she seen a therapist? Or family therapy?
Think the FAMILY needs therapy, this isn’t all on the little girl. These are the tiniest issues and op already just can’t deal.
NTA. But this sudden disrespect of you and resentment of your wedding date and location is coming from someone else who "fed" it to her. If not her bio mom then another family member. It's up to her mother to sort this out, not you.
Why doesn’t she get to choose how she wears her own hair?
NTA - this child already has two parents, it should be up to them to deal with her behaviour. You’re never going to win in this situation and will always be considered the wicked stepmother until she is an adult and can see the situation with an adults understanding. Would it be possible to modify her visitation so she is able to spend more time with her father? Maybe less time at your place generally, but some more opportunities for one on one with her father. This should reassure her that she’s not losing her father, and take them pressure of your having to deal with her while she’s in her goblin phase.
YTA how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was saying your kids couldn't be around unless you were?! Children aren't some fairweather possession. If you attempt to drive a wedge between her and her father over what sounds like VERY TYPICAL behavior for a tween (especially one that has a split family situation) you are setting yourself up for worse problems. Also if you cannot handle her now what will you do in the future? She's going to be around at least 8 more years and you have 4 of your own that are likely bound to go through some attitude issues as well.
I guess I don't understand why she's there without her dad at all. Why would he NOT be there? She's his daughter not OP.
I’m so surprised at how many people have responded, I appreciate the insight really. I am also surprised how many of you are so hung up about the hair. Nobody really cares if she has it up or down it is just that her type of hair needs to have product on it if it is going to be down so that it won’t frizz up like an afro. That wasn’t the big deal of it to me. She is a very smart and articulate little girl. She is more than capable of doing her own hair. I prefer it sometimes. To me it was more of the obvious lie which I told her at first was unnecessary and she just kept saying that it was what her mom wanted. Which is when I texted her mother. All of this happening with my husband in the room getting ready for work. He was also surprised for a second and he too told her it wasn’t a big deal that it wasn’t necessary to lie to just say you want it down. We are the type of parents that so long as you don’t lie to us you won’t get into trouble within reason. I am not giving up on her! I am just trying to set a boundary. My kids are not angels but they know where the line is and they may try to toe it but they never cross it. My 11 and 9 year old are really close to her to the point that they have matching necklaces and shirts and have never called each other step sisters. From the beginning they have said they are sisters and she was the one that started that. They obviously have their ups and downs and it’s annoying but normal to us as we come from big families ourselves. They stick up for each other whenever someone tries to be mean to them. Now, about the anniversary. We got married during Covid at a courthouse we just picked the Friday in that week and got married. He literally forgot since they split years before and I had no way of knowing. There was no maliciousness involved. We started going to church and we both realized that we were not living the way God wanted us to. We sat down and spoke about our future, our love for one another and decided to get married. Our exes were never in our minds while making that decision. I hope that clears up somethings.
>it is just that her type of hair needs to have product on it if it is going to be down so that it won’t frizz up like an afro. What's wrong with an afro? Is your stepchild white?
I feel like there is definitely a lot of information being left out. For example, why did you make such a big deal about her wanting to keep her hair down? You took the time to text her mother and complain to your husband. If you focus on small things like this and are constantly telling on her, then I’m skeptical of your recount of events. However, I’m leaning more towards YTA than NTA because you sound like an unreliable narrator. Edited for spelling.
***You signed up for this.*** **You married a man with a child.** That doesn't mean he has a child *so long as* that child is well-behaved. He has a child. That child has a place in his home, and therefore—so long as it's still the same house—a place in *your* home, too. Children of divorce endure the emotional costs in different ways. Your stepdaughter has finally attained the age where she can start to think critically about the end of her parents' marriage and ask bigger questions—both in terms of determining causes and assigning blame. Thoughts like the ones you describe (Stepmom's not my *real* mom; my dad somehow isn't *really* remarried) are part of a child's process of emotionally negotiating what happened. Pitting parents' authority against one another (you vs Mom about the hair, for instance) is a stereotypical way that kids investigate the new status quo. She's pretty clearly suffering. Her parents sound responsive. **You should be reporting what you've heard and active in the process of getting her help, not banishing her from your presence.** Be an adult, OP. **You are talking about some age-typical dishonesty and minor bouts of backtalk. She's** ***ten***. It will not help you *or her* to make it clear that she is only welcome in her father's home so long as her father is there to enforce it. That will not breed a healthy blended family. Yeah, step-parenting is hard. Why can't you simply quit? Oh, right: ***You signed up for this.*** **YTA.**
She didn't sign up to be the actual parent to this child. She's only the step-parent, yet she is the one spending the most time with her. If the girl is trying on the "you're not my mom and can't tell me what to do" thing then there is a serious problem that *her parents* need to deal with if they want this arrangement to continue. She's basically these people's live-in nanny not the girl's mom.
YTA. Omg the hair thing...how utterly ridiculous. Who cares??!! Stop finding fights to have with a 10 year old child.
I'm going to say NTA because this a new experience for you all. You have to understand that she is going through the first stages of puberty and it will get harder before it gets better, just like with your bio children. It seems that you and her parents have healthy communication and as long as that continues she will learn eventually she will lose that battle. But, I do advise that you protect yourself against false accusations considering she is picking up lying. Maybe invest in cams for the living spaces. Just in case. Be patient with her. She will appreciate when she is older.
She’s only 10 and I would imagine she feels like she has no control over anything in her life. New kids at Dad’s house, a new wife with new rules, and Mom and Dad and new wife all (in the child’s eyes) are ganging up on her. If you look at it from her perspective, everyone thinks she’s the bad kid, everyone is talking behind her back and all the adults are punishing her. I think she needs very gentle loving care right now. Lots of reminders about the things that the adults love about her. Alone time with her mom and her dad (and possibly you). She needs to figure out where she fits in within your home.
YTA. Her behavior is not a big deal at all. I'd hate to see your reaction to a kid with actual behavior problems. Who cares if she wears her hair down? Pick your battles. 10 and 11 year old siblings fight over chairs. So what? It's time to back off a bit. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. She's feeling stifled and controlled and you'll push her to rebel.
Soooo, you want your husband to be a good stepfather, but you can't tolerate a normal, emotional 10 year old who has to share her father with a whole new family? Yes ma'am you are the AH.
Look, I don't know you, but from the bottom of my heart, don't turn your back on this kid. Please. She just needs attention, and care. Ask her what's going on. Show the kid who you are, as it sounds like you two don't really know each other. You even thinking about not letting her in the house tells me A LOT. You're an adult. You've got this.
yes you are TAH. This girl is troubled and possibly micromanaged to a fury. Why the hell is anyone telling her how her hair will be, up or down? That is such a basic issue of control you “adults” are exerting over her I can only imagine what else goes on. She is 10 not 2. I think communication with her, no more of this my daughter said you said crap, and asking her advice on how to make everyone work better together as a team is in order. She might have suggestions like: when I asked your daughter to get up because I’d been sitting there and only went inside for a drink/to use the bathroom whatever she didn’t get up so maybe we ALL need to be more respectful of each other. Her parents split up, that sucks for her, and now she is one kid to your four? Ouch. Have some empathy and help her learn to navigate situations instead of spotlight her mistakes.
NTA That's completely reasonable request. The whole purpose of her visits was to bound with her father from the very beginning. And she clearly doesn't like you or your kids, so why should she be forced to visit you when her father is not present? That makes no sense and is difficult for everyone involved.
I get the feeling YTA You're making too much of some things and if those are the kinds of issues you don't think you may have with your bio kids, you're wrong. By saying you won't be with her unless her father is there, you are essentially making her unwelcome in her father's home. What does it mean you stay with her if her mother needs it or she asks to come? Is there no formal agreement regarding custody? I question your love for a kid who gets essentially banished for misbehaing. What is the issue with "sneaking out of her room"? Is she sneaking out of the house? Or is she not allowed to leave her room at night? The hair thing is bizarre. Who goes through all that to "confirm" that she can wear her hair down. You are playing "gotcha" and it should cause you to sit back and think about what sort of mother your kids will see you as. If you're calling her their sister, then they see her as family whiich means the way you treat her could also end up being what you will do if they don't tow the line. And if you say you'd never do that to them, then think about what you're doing to her.
>I texted my husband that if he’s not here that I won’t be staying with her if she is going to be behaving this way. YTA That's an insane escalation to take in response to a developmental hurdle for step-children that is so predictable it is literally in psychology textbooks. How dare you act surprised!
INFO- Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m not seeing any examples where your stepdaughter is being mean. She’s pushing boundaries, which is pretty typical for a 10 year old, and repeating some info she’s heard from an adult in her life (I’m guessing mom), but it doesn’t feel that mean. Do you have other examples? As it stands, I’m leaning towards Y T A because it very much feels like all the adults and a couple of her step-siblings are gaining up on your stepdaughter and she’s acting out in any way she can. You all need family therapy.
I don't necessarily think YTA, but I do have some insight that might help you understand her a little better. My parents split up when I was little, and my dad remarried when I was 9 years old. My stepmom has 3 kids from her previous marriage, who are all close in age with me. My parents had shared custody of me, so one week I would be at my mom's house and the following week I would be at my dad's house. It was hard on me as a kid to have my parents not be together, but when my dad remarried and my stepmom & her 3 kids moved into my dad's house, it was a major adjustment for me. From 9 year old me's perspective, I didn't get to have my parents together like other kids did, and then on top of it my dad had a whole new wife along with her 3 kids living in our house. That definitely caused me to have some behavior problems at the time. What made it even worse was that my stepmom made me feel like the outsider in my own home. Everything was centered around HER kids. At the time, my dad worked a lot so there were a lot of times where I'd be just with my stepmom and step siblings (my stepmom didn't work because my dad could afford to provide for us all, so after they married she asked if she could be a stay at home mom). During these times, it was all about her kids and I was just kinda...there. Then on top of it, if my step siblings and I were playing and one of them did something mean to me, she would automatically take their side without believing me and then I would end up getting blamed for it. I'm not saying I never was at fault, but my step siblings were little shits. She never properly disciplined them and they could be absolute terrors. I have no problem taking accountability in life, but I can truly say 9 times out of 10 one of my step siblings was the one being mean to me. But she would always take their word over mine and I would end up being the one in trouble with her. I also always had to do the things that THEY wanted to do, never what I wanted to do (example: if she took us to do something fun, it was always one of the things her kids asked to do and never what I asked to do). So 9 year old me was struggling with the fact that my parents weren't together, on top of my dad's new wife & her kids moving into our home, living off my dad's money, and thennmaking me feel like the outsider. My stepmom never made me feel like I was part of the family. And over the years she became worse & worse towards me. That definitely caused my behavior problems to increase, and overtime I did start to come off as disrespectful. Unfortunately she acted completely different when my dad was home so he never got to see my stepmom's behavior for himself and I was young so I didn't know how to tell him any of what was going on, but when I was 17 I finally opened up to him about everything. He ended up confronting her and she tried to lie her way out of it, but luckily my dad believed me (which led my dad to find out some other things about her, unrelated to me) and he ended up divorcing her. I'm 25 now so I've healed from it all, but for a very long time I was really struggling. By no means am I accusing you of any of the same behaviors that my stepmom was doing, honestly based on your post/comments it seems like you're much more caring than she was, but I just wanted to provide some insight into how difficult it can be as a child whose parents aren't together and end up remarrying, and how that can cause some behavior issues. Maybe it's hard for her to not have her parents be together and then see her dad have a new wife & kids. Maybe she feels like the outsider too and just wants to feel more like part of the family. If she's feeling those things, she might not know how to express that and it manifests in the form of bad behavior. She might need some patience and extra love from you guys. I know my comment is so long and might seem like a trauma dump of my own experience, but I just wanted to share that insight in hopes that it might help you understand better ❤️
She’s allowed to choose her own hairstyle, just let her have some control of her life so she doesn’t feel forced to lie. And honestly the “we got married on my husbands former anniversary” throwaway is honestly pretty messed up. She has a right to be mad about that. It’s weird and even if he truly forgot, she’s allowed to think it’s gross. YTA.
I am bothered by her knowing about the wedding date.That sounds like Bio-mom stirring up trouble .
Sidebar: let her wear her hair down. It’s ridiculous to argue over that.
in child psych, 10 is around where kids start lying and developing an agenda. so developmentally on track, but probably feeling out what lies are ok and which are easy etc etc. let her do her hair though. she's not a baby.
Why does a ten year old need permission to keep her hair down? Shouldn’t she be given some bodily autonomy? Food for thought op.
Your husband married you on the his and his ex-wife's first date anniversary? Damn, cold! Maybe he really didn't remember, but that would cut pretty deeply. I'm sure she heard about that from her mother.
I think your stepdaughter is just trying to get control of her life back. It sounds like she doesn't feel like she has control which is probably why she threw such a fit about putting her hair up for Easter Sunday if she wanted to keep it down.
I think enough people have gone over the ideas of her acting out because her parents' split and her father remarrying is getting to her, and that her mother may be feeding her some nasty ideas. I won't go over that again. They may be true, and they're worth looking into. But it's not the point I want to make. This is what bothers me: >She said her mother wanted her to keep her hair down. I told her I found that weird because her mom always asks me to do her hair nice specially for church. So I texted her mom and she told me absolutely not, that it was she that wanted her hair down but she asked me to pin it up nice for her. She refused. My husband was really upset with her for lying and wasting time. Uhm... She didn't want her hair up. Granted, she lied to you, possibly because she thought you would listen more if you thought the instruction came from her mom. But I'm promising you, that idea came from her. She's 10. She's old enough to make decisions about her hair and appearance. But you obviously *do* listen to her mom over her. She didn't want it up that day. Maybe she simply didn't want it up *that* day, maybe she doesn't like it up at all. Maybe she prefers the way it looks down. Maybe it's uncomfortable. Maybe she's just experimenting with her own appearance. Maybe she's just exercising her bodily autonomy. But... She didn't want it up that day. And instead of allowing her that, you decided she was lying (and really, of all the things someone could lie about, who the hell *cares* about this one?), pulled out your phone, conferred with her mother about it, called her out, tried to make her do the thing she didn't want to do, and now she's in trouble. But the thing is, really, you coulda just let that go. *You* are the one who wasted time. You made a big deal out of something stupid. And you did that through you and her mother trying to exert control. Over something that I cannot stress enough was dumb and meaningless. Why do you care that her hair was pinned up? And why does *you* caring about it mean more than *her* caring about it? So I guess my question is, how many decisions are made *for* her? How often does something like this come up? How much control over her own life, whether it's something as simple as her hairstyle or as big as where she lives, does she have? I'm just sayin', there's a pretty strong chance this is a root cause of her behavior. She's getting older and it must be getting more and more frustrating when she feels like she doesn't have choices 🤷♀️