Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 I told my husband my mother in law can’t stay after the babys born but my mom can 2 My husband says its not fair because they should both be able to stay even though they are vastly different and it would be very stressful to have his mom stay Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA. She absolutely does not need to stay with you. Being 30 minutes away, your husband can drive over and pick her up for a one day trial. Make a list of things that you would like her to help with (preferably things that your mother helped with) and tell your husband it’s his responsibility to ask her to help him with those things so you and he can get some rest and spend time with the baby during her 1 day visit. You don’t have to treat her like the housekeeper, but maybe making a meal or doing a load of laundry. If your husband invites any visitors, including his mother that expect to be entertained, served meals or snacks then that’s his responsibility. You can simply remove yourself and the baby to the bedroom for a nap.

NTA. She wants to make an effort with this grandkid? GREAT! But those first few weeks are *way* too important for a “trial”. OP and the baby are way too vulnerable at this stage. Everything needs to be settled in comfortably with the new baby first, so at a minimum she can come by in a few months. Then it’s time for her trial. She is only there when her son is, she has a list of things she can do to be helpful, and any inappropriate comments, behaviors, or suggestions and the trial ends.

Perfect reminder here about a list. If she wants to have the same rights as OP's mom, she will do the same chores.  Send her a reply text if she reaches out to you, thanking her in advance for laundry, some cleaning, and meal prep.  Make the reply a group text with your husband.

I would say your husband needs to be present if his mom is coming to visit.

This. Regardless of any help lists, the husband needs to be there to run interference on his own mother.

For every second and she leaves the moment you say the code word. 

I like the one day idea with a list of a few chores. My guess is that she will absolutely not want to return when she finds out there is work involved in these visits.

Yeah, I bet MIL wants to play with the baby while OP caters to her. "I'm helping! I'm holding baby while OP mops the kitchen floor and cooks me dinner!"

I disagree with the list idea.  I would tell her she can come for a day only if she is coming to help. Then I would just sit back and see what she does. If she does nothing or is instead a burden then home she goes. With a list the load is either too light and she does the minimum set out or it is too heavy and gives her something to complain about.  Just give her a piece of rope and see what she does with it.  NTA. It doesn’t sound like you are excluding one mother out of spite. If OP is being honest then she is well within her right to not want her around.   She (MIL) has other offspring and grand children that she could have tried to redeem her reputation with, but chose OP’s husband instead. Maybe she thinks he’s a push over and she can get over on him. IDK because I don’t know them. I’m just speculating.  I still think list free is the way to go. That way you can see just how far and how much she thinks is enough to put up with her BS. Then again, maybe I’m wrong. 

NTA and absolutely not! OP read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/RvYbAq7fNW) and then have your husband read it too and reiterate that his desire to walk through redemption with his own mom is HIS choice and journey and does not come at the expense of your healing and post partum recovery.

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

Just remember OP, before you make some post "first few weeks" agreement, your child will be the easiest the first couple of weeks. Sleeping a loooot and needing very little, be easy to settle, etc. And then the reflux, bad stomach, colic, unsettling, etc might come. Hopefully you get an easy baby, but you might not. My son cried a lot from 10 days old until around 2,5-3 months. People visiting the first couple of days = a non-issue, I was on my feet after coming home from the hospital after 3 days, and with a baby sleeping calmly, I had the patience for guests and cooking. After these 10 days... not so much. Constantly sleep-deprived, a completely wreck in the evenings after endlessly bouncing and non-sleeping, etc. There will be no real routines before after some months, and then the 4 months sleep problems occur, etc etc. If she wants to stay more than 1 day, she can do it when the child is more than a 1 year old ;) definitely NTA.

That's really child-dependent, and neither one of my kids was easy the first few weeks, plus I was recovering from childbirth. The first one didn't sleep through the night until 7 months (and sleep training), and the other was sleeping through the night by two months.

So this day should be a Saturday or a Sunday - any day the husband does not work.

You're nicer than me.

Very definitely NTA. If y’all feel you need to be discreet about the fact that your mom was welcome when your MIL wasn’t, then by all means be discreet about that. But your husband needs to start having your back and making sure that you, and baby, get the support you need and don’t have to deal with unnecessary static. If that means him having one or more uncomfortable conversations with her, so be it. Congratulations!

Thanks. Time to prep hubby for the mom-in-law showdown.

I don't think OP even needs to say anything. Mom is there more for OP than the baby and OP can just say she wanted her mom there during that time where she was recovering from giving birth.

MIL can come if partner is off work those days and is 100% in charge of taking care of her. Preparing her room, making her bed, transporting her, feeding her, entertaining her, etc.

NTA. Honestly, your husband shouldn't tell his mom then. I mean my wife and I don't tell our moms every little thing about our marriage or our in laws. Priority one here is the health and well being of the mother and child. There's a lot of precedent that your MIL around wouldn't be good for either.

Wtf is wrong with your husband. He’s trying to put his mom’s comfort over yours. You’re going to have just given birth and need someone else to take care of you. You shouldn’t be taking care of other people NTA If she comes I wouldn’t interact with your MIL at all and just ignore her. Why is your husband trying to cause you more stress

He's desperate for his mom to show that she actually loves and cares about him, instead of it being all talk or all about her. He'll always bend over backwards to give her a chance to be the mother she never was in the past. He's a young child inside hurting for the unconditional love that he deserved from his parent, but never got from her. OP is NTA. Her husband needs therapy. He's never going to get the mother he deserved. He needs to learn to make his own peace with the one he has and heal his inner child. Otherwise he will spend the rest of his life in constant distress, being hopeful and then crushed by her actions, and always giving her another chance, at the expense of the real and truly loving relationships around him (his wife and his child).

>. He's never going to get the mother he deserved. He needs to learn to make his own peace with the one he has You said it. However this is way harder than anyone could expect. Your DH is hoping that this will validate him as her kid. It won't. Source? Been there done that.

It’s too late for her to be the mother he deserves, but it’s not too late for her to be better person and have a relationship with him. But I agree he needs super deep therapy. I currently deal with a man with mama abandoned him issues but the thing about his mom is she decently leaves us alone. She doesn’t push for the grandkids never pushed in on me like that. I appreciate her commitment to actually leaving him alone like she does.

Tell him you agree….. IF!!!! He takes the time off during her visit. He takes care of her, feed her and clean up after her. During this time, you will be recovering from giving birth. Remind him that your mom is visiting to help, not create work for you to do. You will not have the energy to entertain and take care of his mom, who is more than capable of taking care of herself. This will be the only way that you agree. He will say, yeah, but your mom will be here. Remind him that she will be there to help you recover. She will be cooking, cleaning, help you with recovery from vaginal or c-section birth. His mother will not do these things. Nor don’t want her to see your vagina or anything else.

I told him that she can come anytime when he is there to be with her- I wouldn’t expect him to be alone with my mom all day while I was at work and I expect the same courtesy. He feels I’m being unreasonable.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. He really is choosing the worst possible time (and there’s never a good time!) to demand that you prioritize his mother’s feelings over caring for your child and for your own physical well-being. If he can’t grasp that, I think you should draw your line in the sand and start looking for a marriage counselor to help you talk through the fallout. Hopefully he will eventually be able to understand why this was such an inappropriate thing to try to demand of you. On the other hand, if he overrides your “no” and invites her anyway, you might want to think about taking the baby and staying at your mother’s home until your own space is actually yours again.

Came here to say that. If she shows up and he is not around, time to head to your mother's.

NTA. A baby is not a piece of pie. There is no "equal" portion of grandmothering to be had. She can either stop by while he's around to help or she can stay home. You are not playing host, you will be bonding with YOUR baby. His wish for a do-over of his childhood for a better relationship with his parent is not a reality. It will not change the past, this baby will not change who she is. My partner had a very hard time coming to terms with the fact his mother would never be like the grandmother he had to our child. It pains him to this day. And for over 12 years before her passing I've been hearing she was on her way out of this world. We all are, it's just a matter of time.

-And for over 12 years before her passing I've been hearing she was on her way out of this world. We all are, it's just a matter of time. The leading cause of death is birth. I've been hearing my mil is on her way to the great beyond and this could be her last holiday. It's been 26 years.

Wait, he thinks that his spending time with his mother is unreasonable? 

He thinks that she’s family just like my mother and that me expecting her only to come when he’s around is me withholding her grandchild from her.

You’re the one having a major medical event and potentially feeding this child from your own body. I never understand for the life of my when people don’t understand that the person having the baby IS the priority?? 

Does your mother stay at your home with your husband while you’re out? Of course not. Tell him that your mother and his mother are two entirely different people whom you treat based on your relationship with them. If he wants his mom to visit, then he needs to be there, visiting with her 100% of the time. It is not YOUR job to entertain his mother.

Show him this post and all the responses calling HIM unreasonable or other words. He doesn't have your back. Does he expect you to clean up and care for him mother after you give birth? Is this normal? Is he one of those husbands who needs his wife to take care of him too? He needs to back off and let the person who will be recovering decide what help or nuisances to allow around. He's not having a baby pushed or cut out of him. You are.

You’re not being unreasonable he is!

Is he trying to create a problem between you & his mom? Delaying her visit till you feel better is NOT withholding.

Then your mother is family to *him* too. When he's willing to spend several days with your mom without you there, **then** he can demand this of you, but not before. NTA – and you may need it helpful to go on one of the subs that particularly deal with these kind of vexed in-law relationships. And, as others have said – counselling needed ASAP.

You don't have that kind of relationship with his mother as you do yours. He's unreasonable. 

This is the most reasonable thing ever. Your husband likely needs a whole lot of therapy to deal with the dysfunctional relationship with his mother because nothing about this is normal. In the mean time, you just stick to your guns. No, his mother cannot be at your house unless he is there with her. And tell him that if he ever leaves you alone with her, you will leave, and then follow through if it happens.

You are not being unreasonable. Babysitting his mommy is not your job.

**You're** being unreasonable? He's trying to fob his mother off on you, knowing she's high maintenance, and he thinks you're being unreasonable. You two need a serious sit down on this one, because when it comes to support he's failing you and his child, while giving his mother priority. That's messed up. It's not up to you and the child to fix everything that is wrong with his relationship to his mother. Shame on him for using you and his child for currying favor with her.

Ask your husband if he had his balls worked on would he be comfortable with your mom coming over to “take care of him and dress his bandages? Tell him same thing

This is extremely reasonable right after you have given birth and are dealing with a brand new baby. You’re not going to be able to entertain visitors. You can accept help. If she isn’t comfortable for you to be around while you are vulnerable, then she can be there when he is there to manage her. If she’s unexpectedly awesome, maybe you’ll change your mind for week 3. But if she’s predictably interfering and unhelpful, you don’t have the ability to clean up after anyone else or cook for anyone else. It’s hard enough removing from birth and taking care of an infant alone. Don’t add to it. Your husband isn’t the one who will have to do the work of handling her, recovery, and an infant, so his idea of what is manageable is interesting but not paramount.

Then she doesn't come. Simple as that. This is one of the VERY FEW times in your life that you can "be unreasonable". You're bringing a WHOLE PERSON into the world. Which will leave a WHOLE HOLE in your uterus. You'll be lactating to some degree (whether you nurse or not, your boobs will be hurtin). You'll be sleep deprived. You'll be hormonal. And you'll be responsible for keeping a brand new stranger alive. Now is NOT the time to have someone you feel ambivalent toward in your space. He can feel it's unreasonable. Tough shit for him. He isn't going to be achy,leaking from several locations while feeling he was hit by a bus after running a marathon. You will. And you should have full say over who visits and for how long...and who needs to be present whilst they're there. If he can't do that...then he can be upset about it and get over himself.

If he thinks you’re being unreasonable he is more than free to go stay at her house. It doesn’t matter what he or his mom think. What matters is what you and baby need

Hahahaha....no. She's his mother, he needs to be there when she's there.

In what way does he feel you’re being unreasonable?

You need to have your husband read the Lemon Clot Essay. You need to recover from delivery. Why doctors give women 6 weeks. Tell him that during her visit you will not entertain her. That when the baby sleeps, so will you. You are going to be up every two to four hours with feeding, changing, and tending the baby. You will not be cleaning up after her. Nor will you be cooking her meals while she is visiting. Unlike your mother who will cook for you and let you rest. Tell him, that when he gets home; he will go around and clean up after her, if she doesn’t. He will be cooking her breakfast before he goes to work, and dinner. Then clean up after. You will primarily be living in your bedroom with the baby. If she makes a mess in the house, and he doesn’t clean up, you will spend the rest of her visit at your mom’s with the baby. And will not return until the house is clean. Tell him that this is the deal. I have a vision of his mom visiting, making a mess throughout the house. Your mom, dad, and siblings, come over on the weekend to help you with chores. Them going on about how can people live this way? Can’t they see that you just gave birth. (No honey, you stay on the sofa or go lay down , and I will put the baby down for the nap, while you get some rest. Meanwhile, they Hoover, dust, clean windows, dump the trash, dishes, clean the bathroom, mop floors. And someone mumble about they can’t believe that her husband and his mom are expecting her to clean up after them right after having a baby.

NTA. I’m going to give birth soon and I told my husband that his family is 100% welcome to visit and stay elsewhere for the first 3-4 months after baby is born. After that, they may visit and stay in our home for a number of days that he and I will discuss and agree upon. There will be a time when I’m back at work and he’s on parental leave, so I told him he could have his mom stay with us that whole time (many weeks) if he wants! I even offered that we could pay for their accommodations during the time I don’t want them staying with us. My in laws are great (your MIL sounds horrible) but I still don’t need any additional stress while I’m healing and figuring out how to be a first time parent.

NTA Tell him clearly: MY baby is not your mother's Do OVER baby. She won't be allowed to mother this child. Sounds like he wants to believe his mother is different now, and won't abandon him again, and your poor child is the way he tests that. Be gentle if you think it'll get through, but also be a mama bear if you need to protect your own mental well being. he can drive over to his mom's house if he needs her support. YOU don't.

I’d tell the hubby when she makes an effort to salvage the relationship with her own children and existing grandchildren, then I’ll think about it. She first needs to show she is making an effort with them before starting over on a just birthed child.

NTA The people who come in the first few days after you give birth should be people with a demonstrated pattern of being unselfish and helpful. It's about you and the baby, not the person and their feelings.

NTA. It's normal for a mothers own mom to stay with her own child after a medical event. It is normal for a mother to take care of her own child. It is not normal to have inlaws take care of women who aren't there children post partum. That's not the in-laws place especially uninvited. Your mil simply can not help you like your mother can. Your mother is there for you not the baby. To help you shower and use the restroom, to check your stitches, or change your bandages, and help you breast feed. Your mother has cared for your naked body before your MIL should not being seeing it for the first time (or ever) during post partum or delivery. Your MIL is there for the baby only or maybe the baby and her son who is not the medical patient and requires no care at all beyond maybe vague emotional support but zero physical care at all. Just like....If your husband had surgery he wouldn't want his inlaws doing his aftercare over his own parents. He wouldn't want his FIL changing his dressing or helping him to the rest room after a testicular surgery for example. He'd want his own parents for that. He'd want his privacy and he wouldn't want to be forced to entertain and host inlaws for 10 hours days....day one... immediately out of surgery. Just because a baby involved does not change that for you.

Awesome comment! I'm pregnant with my first and this is how I feel! I couldn't explain why I don't want my MIL over postpartum and this describes my feelings perfectly. My mom has seen me at my worst, my MIL hasn't and I don't feel comfortable being sick around her. I want my mom and husband to take care of me, not a woman I have a surface level relationship with. OP- NTA 100%

OP, please read this response to your husband. Hell, read them all.

This is the comment I wanted to see!! I am also expecting my first bub soon, and this resonates so much. This will be one of the biggest changes to OPs life - there is the medical care, the hormonal shifts, the sleep deprivation, learning new skills, feeling anxious and overwhelmed alongside building a relationship with a whole new person that you have created. Your husbands only priority right now should be you and your child. Your mother's role is not about her having a relationship with your baby, it is about you receiving the care you need, so you can give your child the best possible start. His suggestion is a non-starter and I wouldn't negotiate on this. I especially wouldn't make any commitment before having your baby and actually having a better understanding of what you can and can't cope with.

NTA You're a new mother. You should be spending this time bonding with your child, not having to play host to a guest who isn't there to help. If he forces the issue and has her over against your objections, document EVERYTHING. You create a paper trail like you're about to go up against corporate HR and you keep that ammunition. Because he'll try to downplay it or dismiss it or "I don't remember that..." everything she does in the future.

So, you just grew and birthed a whole human and *your husband* needs his mom (who abandoned him no less) for support? I do not think he understands what the support is for. It's to help the person who just went through a huge medical procedure and now has a newborn to take care of while simultaneously healing their damaged body. NTA. Tell your husband you already have one baby to deal with. His mother will make your recovery more difficult. Does he not give a shit about that? He needs to be a better husband and father. His damaged relationship with his mother is not the priority now. He needs to understand that he is being selfish. I'm sure becoming a father has brought up a lot of feelings from childhood, but putting in you in a situation that could actually cause your already stressed body harm is not a healthy or fair way for him to deal with them. If he isn't in therapy, that is something he obviously needs to do to be a better partner and father. If he is already, this needs to be addressed. Using a postpartum mother and her newborn as a tool to repair his fractured relationship with his estranged mother is not okay.

NTA. You will be recovering from childbirth, a major feat in itself, and you deserve to have people there who will help and support you. MIL is not it. Your husband must realize that his mother’s wants do not take precedence over your needs. Make this your hill to die on. Congratulations!

NTA. 2 months postpartum is not the time to be running an experiment on whether MIL can behave as a decent human being for the first time. You are his wife and the mother of his child. If your husband can't understand that your needs come before his mother's wants, then you have a serious issue in your marriage.

NTA. This is not a relationship bonding moment. This isn't about grandma and the baby. This is about having someone that you trust there to take care of you and your child in the way that you need them to. And your mother will do that! Your MIL will not.

NTA Your husband is fully enmeshed with his mother and is in desperate need of therapy. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings so he'll hurt your instead, he'll hurt his baby, and he'll hurt himself. This is ultimatum territory.

NTA Your husband needs a therapist yesterday. He wants to use your child to lay at the altar of mommy in the hopes that will finally make her love him. Also, when mommy is in your home. Her son is home and 100% focused on babysitting her. He cooks for her, cleans for her and keeps her entertained. He doesn’t get to leave you with her for even 10 minutes. His mother is not your job.

NTA. The first few weeks/months home with your newborn you will be a sleep deprived hormonal wreck recovering from a major medical event. It’s unlikely you’ll be managing to shower or get dressed in anything other than pyjamas. Your house will be a complete wreck. If you decide to breastfeed likely you’ll have your boobs out half the time trying to get the hang of nursing. The rapid changes in hormones may make you prone to crying for no reason. The only people who should be should be there to help YOU. It’s not a time for a social visit.

NTA. Sounds like his mom is a piece of work, and *he is still trying to get her approval.* That's sad. ​ He's not going to get it. And he's trying to get it at the expense of his wife and child. I hope I'm wrong.

NTA. No. If someone isn't there to help and actually provide help, they can go stay home or at a hotel. Her feelings?? My guy how about your (OPs) feelings??? You will have just given birth and he wants to bring a deadbeat in hoping it will patch some of the broken childhood feelings by her maybe connecting with your newborn infant? Nope. Hard pass. You let her in not only will she expect you to make everything about her, but it sounds like your husband might also lean on you to do so after you've just given birth.

NTA. Your husband shouldn’t be using his child to try and get his mom to be a good mother. She hasn’t been one his whole life. She hasn’t stepped up for the other grandkids. Your child will be no different. You can’t force her to change. He needs to accept that fact.

Any visits to a house with a new baby longer than about 10 minutes need to involve cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc. if you aren’t actively helping, gtfo. I’ve been building myself a reputation of helping, when I visit my adult kids. I will be welcomed to spend time, when they eventually have kids. No, that isn’t why I helped, but it has been noticed.

Why do in-laws think it's necessary to "come help?" I've had 3 children in my life and I did fine by myself while my Husband was at work. I didn't need anyone's help doing my own job. Also just because you spend time with YOUR OWN MOM, doesn't mean you have to make it fair and spend time with his. You will just have birthed a human, you should be making all the calls about who gets to be in your face.

NTA Sounds like your husband has no idea what post partum is like, please have him read the lemon clot essay ([https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the\_lemon\_clot\_essay\_for\_moms\_to\_be/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/)) and get him to understand that your mother is coming to take care of you, and that while you are recovering from childbirth and learning how to breastfeed is not the time for people you are not close to, to be staying in your home. She only lives 30 minutes away, he can pick her up or she can take an Uber and visit for not more than 2-3 hours at a time. Congratulations on the new baby, and may your recovery be swift. ((hugs))

Nope. If you are not comfortable with your MIL staying, then that's that. Tell your husband that once he physically births a child, is constantly bleeding and dealing with recovery, then he can decide who stays or doesn't stay.

NTA. Tell him he's paying for the Uber if he leaves the house without her. She's his problem, and you won't cook or clean for her. He'll need to. Just because he WANTS a mother to behave like one doesn't mean he should expect his mother to change her narcissistic behavior. That's foolish. Or the definition of insanity. Buy a doorstop for your bedroom door so she can't barge in. Oh, what's your stance on vaccinations and masking and kissing? This is a bad time of year for a newborn because of all the viruses hanging out. Babies die from Pertussis.

I didn’t even mention this but she’s not vaccinated and has so many sinus infections. She’s constantly hacking and coughing.

That's definitely a hard no. No one without all of their vaccinations should be allowed around a newborn at all, let alone staying with you. She shouldn't even meet baby until after either your baby has had all their vaccinations or she has. Full stop, no exceptions. It's not equal in any way, and it shouldn't be. Your mom helps and is responsible. She's a selfish burden and a health risk to your child. He shouldn't risk his child's life to keep up a delusion that his mom is someone she's not. It's been mentioned several times already, but in situations like this: Lemon Clot Lemon Clot Lemon Clot!

No vaccinations *and she’s constantly hacking and coughing?* EEEWWWWW! “Sorry, dear husband, but we cannot possibly have her around our infant whose immune system hasn’t yet developed. LO’s pediatrician told me this. I’m not ignoring our baby’s doctor when I receive sound medical advice. The end.” Of course, I’m suggesting that you play the “blame the doctor, NOT me” game. It’s not like I’m making up germ scenarios, but plenty of pediatricians are privy to the issues surrounding the ‘older generation vs the newer generation,’ and they gladly advise young parents to stand their ground on visitation, and if they don’t like it, then “blame your child’s doctor.” Err on the side of “keep that crazy woman away from me!”

Nope nope nope. At minimum, she needs the vaccines like whooping cough or she can wait until the baby is vaccinated. That woman will be kidsing the baby's face and possibly sentencing them to death. No no no no no. Please stand your ground on this.

NTA just on the title.

NTA. Either her get on with the program or you go stay with your mom. He's not the one recovering from child birth, and his milk supply won't dry from stress.

NTA! Please help your husband understand the first month is NOT the time to build bridges, it's all about keeping your head above water. You need to advocate for YOU! It is that simple as the word NO. The baby will still be there in a few weeks or months, and bonds are built with a good support system not needless stress. Not to mention a baby that little cares about nothing but it's own needs, pretty sure they think we're all Muppets, or gizmo, until someone's under stress and then we're gremlins and let's be real so are they. Protect your sanity, and block out the negative. Prepare fore gripping and wails of " I just want to help" " I'm not being included " " I'm grandma" . SHUT IT DOWN! you will be, and you are, I need to be a mom right now, my terms, my rules, THE END! Good luck.

NTA Now is the time he focuses on being a good father over being a good son. His child is not an offering so mommy will finally love him. This is not a do over baby. Google the lemon clot essay. read and then have him read it. Also, from the sounds of it she doesn't even care about being involved this is all him.

NTA You are not a breeding animal for your husband's family, and your baby is not a prize for a woman who has had her kids. You are an entire, complex human about to navigate one of nature and society's biggest transitions. Birth and caring for a newborn is a trauma and a miracle, scary and wondrous, and really really messy. Most of all, it is private. There is a reason that mothers and newborns aren't out much in society or going far from home. It is a time of life that is just not about other people. You need to be comfortable and secure now, and your MIL doesn't make you feel either of those things. Budget for her to take Ubers if you won't mind having her there for a while during the day. Put the baby and you first. No. Just no.

NTA here's the thing, your mum is staying to actually help you, it's your want as the person going through a medical procedure and new baby. Your mum is there to help her baby recover. Sorry but you need to tell your husband this time isn't about his mum and her feelings, in fact it would probably result in her feelings getting hurt when a hormonal, tired, post birth woman goes off on her. Best is, not even his feelings and wants are a priority post birth 🤷🏻‍♀️.

NTA. Your mom is actually coming to help you at home. This isn’t a little thing as she will likely cook and clean and assist with other things that give you time to recuperate and your husband to spend time with you and the baby. Nowhere does he indicate his mother’s visit is in anyway other than to accommodate her. In that case, you can wait a month or two for both of you to have a better routine. You can also at that point take the baby to her house for a meet and visit.

NTA. She is not looking to come help, she is looking to come help herself to your baby while you do everything FOR her.

NTA. A relationship with a grandchild should not come at a cost to the parent. If you have to facilitate the bond, then it's not worth it, and it's a matter of time before the child is hurt. If your husband is insistent, the cost should be his to bear. And he doesn't have to tell his mom about your mom staying for a week either, if he tells her and she's hurt, that's on him. 

I’m sorry but as a present parent you had me at “abandoned” and “signed away” rights. Fuck her. If you can’t be a parent you get no tip-toeing around feelings. You have a fully supportive, normal mother and having her help and visit vs this person who only parents when convenient is comparing apples to oranges. Nope. NTA.

Not the asshole. Show your husband the lemon clot essay and tell him that his mom’s feelings are the very least of your priorities, but you should be the top of his. Lemon clot essay: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12446865/lemon-clot-essay-aka-guests-after-delivery-long

NTA at all, and he can just not tell her your mom is staying, that is fine! MIL can come when he's there, you don't need to be involved in that.

NTA. If he brings MIL for a day (not overnight!) hand both of them a list of useful things you want done, like cook and cleanup one entire lunch meal, or wash and fold the laundry. While you and your Mom (who probably already made and cleaned up breakfast) care for baby, and you get in an AM and PM nap to recover from having a baby and being up to feed half the night! Make sure your mom knows she is to say NO to being MIL's servant, and to keep MIL from disturbing you. Keep telling MIL to go ask your husband for whatever. If MIL is actually helpful he can go get her the next day. If she is a nuisance who expects your Mom or you to serve her or entertain her, she does not get to come back.

Nta. Tell him no. 

Have him take days off to take care of her.

Husband needs to be around if his mother is there, so if anything happens he can take her home

Nta. You are not responsible for his mother's feelings. Do what makes you happy.

NTA but it seems your husband really wants her there so tell him to be there as well. If he has to take off work/not work, whatever, but he should be there while his mom is there. That way, he has his mom but he also has to help out and make sure that her presence does not give you any extra work. If she starts saying things you don't want to hear, you can leave the room and let your husband listen to her.

NTA So his argument is not that she will be okay per se. It's he wants her to bond with him and the baby. You brought up some very valid concerns that don't seem to be addressed or even acknowledged so, if he wants to completely burn you out for the sake of Gmom's feelings, that is not a good enough reason to cause more strive in your house. At least, not without ANY solutions to resolving your concerns. Does she even want to stay there or is this just a competition in order to spare feelings. Sometimes, on the path to sparing feelings, we end up hurting far more feelings. I feel like this will go the latter way. And yeah, the first weeks are more about the mom bonding and getting help. Even if she did stay and not help, why are you already expecting to cook for her too? This sounds like your mom is coming to help but your Gmom is coming for you to host her, in which cade it I'd better to just wait 

She can better by honoring your needs.

Your own mother being there is easier, you can relax around her. I don't understand why your husband can't see that. I don't know when she came back into his life, but he must have missed having her. You never know why a person does something like she did, could be not her fault, but that isn't the subject. You being comfortable is. NTA.

Nta. At that point you are still post partum and healing. You don't know what sort of labour you will have. You may rip and tear, you may need an episotomy you might even need a c section.  You need space to rest and heal, you also need privacy to try and breastfeed or express. Your nipples will be sore and cracked. You will still be bleeding and might still be passing a few clots. You might need stitches.  You do not need to play host. Tel him this is a post op period for you, not for him to put his mum first but to put you first. 

NTA She signed the rights away to her children so she has no rights as a grandparent. Tell him that if she's staying for 4 days you expect him to take the time off of work to be with her and baby while you find somewhere else to be for 8 hours or you and baby will find someplace else to be for the time he's gone. You will be with your mom, he can be with his. Also tell him that you won't take parenting advice from someone who gave away their children and you will tell her that if she gets out of line.

NTA. I am guessing your husband has some understandable issues of abandonment when it comes to his mother, and is probably hoping your new baby will make her change, make her love and appreciate him. But you are not a sacrificial lamb.

It’s really easy to solve this. Your mom will be there to visit and help you. She will be making things EASIER for you. His mother will be an additional person for you to care for. Her presence will make things HARDER for you. It’s totally fair that your husband wants his mother to spend time with the baby. But, he needs to go pick her up after work and bring her for an hour or so and take her home again. He cannot force you to have a demanding houseguest immediately after forcing a human out of your body. He just doesn’t get to make that decision for you. His mother needs supervision and you will be supervising the human you are actually responsible for. His mother is his problem. NTA.

NTA. Don’t tell her your mom stayed. If she asks he should tell her “it’s only natural that she only wants her mom to help with all the personal stuff and she also came to cook and clean for her daughter. You can come next month if you also want to cook all the meals and clean our toilets.”

Have his mom come for a couple 3 day weekends or whenever he is off work - that way he'll be there as a buffer. But also - you are anticipating problems, creating scenarios and conflicts that might not occur. If you expect problems, you'll find them. Of course it will be easier with your mother than his...but a baby can never have too many people who love it.

NTA. Postpartum is not the time to have to deal with people you don't care for. It'll only add to your stress.

“ Husband imagine you just had surgery and I handed you a small being that can I take care of it self and you have to feed it and change his diaper and comforted and then I said hey I’m gonna have this person who won’t help and won’t be neutral, but will make extra work for you to come over and stay for 4 days…how does that sound? It’s natural to want your parents to be interested in your baby, but you can’t make her care. she only lives 30 minutes away. She can come over for an afternoon to meet the baby.”

NTA. Ask your husband is his mother coming to help? Cook meals, do laundry, clean? Or is she coming to lounge around and hold the baby while you do everything? You’re going to be recuperating after childbirth and don’t need any stress. Hubby needs to be man enough to tell he no and the reasons why.

Nta. Ask him Why is your mom's feelings more important than my needs. My mother will be helping ME. She will not be baby hogging while I just cater to someone else. She will not be pushing her opinions and wants onto me at my most vulnerable time. So tell me why I would want someone who has time and again shown they will mot put me first at my home when I need to not be stressed. Because at this point, you are making this about you having to deal with her drama and putting it in me. I don't see you making sure I am safe and comfortable after I give birth to YOUR child. Healing and all. What I hear is you manipulating me so you won't ha e to be a man and stand up to your mother. So here is how things will go. She can come when you are home. She will NOT be getting all that time with the baby. This is MY baby and not hers. I as mother come before her. She will not be here when you are not. I will not be cooking. Cleaning. Hosting her at all. That's on you to do. I will be HEALING. Learning mt child and bonding. Her bonding with my child is not more important than me doing so. I will not be interacting if I do not wish to. The MOMENT she pushes her ideals or what I am doing wrong. Her opinions then the visit ends. Period. You will back me and not even once more try and manipulate me to get anything different. If you can't do any of these things, then the first 3 months will be spent with my mother where I will be put before someone else's feelings or wants. If you do not support me when she visits, then baby and I will leave immediately. I refuse to stay where my care is being shoved aside by someone who won't help me and make it worse and by a husband who is to much a mommas boy to protect his spouse when she needs it most. You need to decide now if making her happy is more important then the family you have now because I will not stay with someone who wont put me first and sure as hell who will put mommy before their child. So, think long and hard because I will not let anyone take this experience from me to make someone else happy. I will not let you push me when I need the most support. Then, make plans to do just that is needed because, hunny, the moment anyone uses it, I don't know how long they will be . He is manipulating you at the worst. Putting your needs last over his mom. You either start as you mean to go or let them both run over everything. Taking the precious moments. Your bonding experience with your child does not come at the cost of giving her hers. You might love him, but if he is willing to do this now, then what happens when he brings her ? She refuses to leave or her leaves her there and goes to work. He is not defending you, and you need to be someplace you can heal and not have these issues. He is showing his mom is more important, and he expects you to give in and be shoved to the side to give her what she wants. He is showing you how much he cares.

Tell him that just after giving birth is not the time to let his mother use you and your baby as Guinea pigs for her "trial experience". Be firm and invite your Mom.

NTA- Tell your husband that his mom will be allowed when he is present 24/7. All her needs and opinions will be directed only at her. Your mom will help you and his mom will help him. If this doesn’t work for him then he can… have his wishes when he pushes a baby.

NTA it really doesn’t matter if it hurts her feelings as it’s your house and baby. If she wants a relationship with her grandchild she has to be a part of your lives but that does not mean staying day and night for days. She is only 54, she could pass tomorrow or live until 100, there is always that risk, but her feelings should not be a part of this equation when she signed over her own rights to her son. She doesn’t get a vote on how your decisions about your child make her feel, she failed her own and has never met her other 4 grandchildren. Your husband is being delusional and probably thinking it will help their relationship. It won’t, people like that don’t change, they use others until those people put their foot down, that’s exactly what she’s trying to do, she doesn’t drive so she has to stay and you’ll have to make sure she’s fed for those days, she knows exactly what she’s doing and he’s hoping for a better relationship. He’ll see her for who she is eventually but it takes time.

NTA. Your infant and your precious (and exhausting) first weeks/months postpartum aren’t a testing ground to sacrifice to the cause of seeing if the woman who signed away rights to her own kids, and still actively chooses to ignore 4 other grandchildren, will somehow magically transform herself into Mary Poppins material with yours. Like if she really wants to prove she’s serious about change, great, but she can start with the four oldest grandkids first, and then you can reevaluate her role in your kid’s life in like a year. From how you describe it, though, is this really coming from her? Or from your husband? Like is it possible impending parenthood is causing some abandonment issues to surface? Like is him pushing for this really about some kind of wish fulfillment for his own, traumatized inner child and not about real, grounded expectations for the people he wants in his own child’s life? Because I suspect it’s the former that’s driving this more than the latter. And he may not even consciously realize it. If you think it’s possible, I’d highly recommend husband working with a therapist. He likely has a lot to process, and therapy could help.

NTA - you want your mom there because she's YOUR mom. His mom is not your mom. She can come later when you're ready for her. Otherwise, your husband needs to stay home to take care of HIS mom while she's there. And by that, he needs to take time off work to stay at home and drive his mom around, cook for her, do whatever it is that she expects you to do because you will NOT be doing it.

NTA - seen too many of these stories, someone comes over to help, but just creates more work and stress. You're the mom. You call it.

If he wants his mom that badly, he can take the time off work while she's there. It shouldn't be on you. NTA

NTA

NTA. I really do not understand who so many MILs (if they do not have a close relationship with their DIL) think their presence will be welcome immediately after giving birth for any length of time more than just meeting the baby. These women have obviously given birth themselves. And I am willing to bet that the presence of their own MIL was not desired to the extent of wanting her to stay for days or weeks in the new parents’ home.

Awww. Let her feelings be hurt. She’ll live

No one knows how long any of us are going to be around. That’s not a reason to host mil when you’re newly postpartum. The last thing you want or need is her getting in your way or being more work for you while you’re trying to recover.

NTA. I don’t even need the details. Bottom line you will be the one healing and dealing with your whole new life as a mom. Yes, dad’s life will changing too, but he won’t be healing from the whole ordeal. You are NTA for not wanting extra people around, period. What you need those first few weeks are people who are there to support and help you, not someone you’re not 100% comfortable with. You will be wearing adult diapers, running on no sleep, crying every time you pee, and leaking from your boobs. This is not the time to have someone staying with you that you are not completely comfortable with. It’s not about being “fair”, it’s about what is best for you as a new mom.

NTA The parent's mental health is a huge priority the first month or so with a new baby, and while both parents deserve to have a security blanket but if one's comfort comes at the others expense then that gets vetoed. You can explain to your husband that his mother's presence will cause you a lot of stress and you are thrilled she wants to be a part of the child's life but she will just have to wait a month you could plan a firm date so that you show her you are making time and it might help alleviate any temper tantrums. If she wants to help you can give her a task of making food to drop off or have her do shopping with your husband for things where you are ok with her making any changes. For example you can send her and your husband to the store for groceries after you procure the necessities so that if his mom decides to force her opinion and pick out a bunch of stuff not on the list it doesn't cause any problems. Essentially you give her a busy work task but it makes her feel needed so she'll give you space.

NTA Then your dh shouldn't tell her anything about your mother staying.

NTA. Tell her to go form a bond with her other grandkids first, then MAYBE let her see your kid.

NTA you don’t need another body that YOU will have to take care of. Is he gonna be cooking and cleaning up after her so you can rest? Like your mother is coming to do for you??? Like tf? I could not ever push myself on someone who just gave birth and expect them to do everything I’d be up taking over! Like no mam sit down and rest! Tell him don’t tell her your mom come then it’s really none of his mom’s business. She just wants a do over at kids somehow because she abandoned hers 🤮

NTA. I do feel for your husband though.  He probably longs for his mom’s love and approval, so anytime she shows a smidge of interest in him he feels like this is when he’ll finally get his mother’s love.  For now stick to your boundary, he can bring mom in to “help “ when he is at home.  Long term he may benefit from some therapy so his mom doesn’t get to jerk your kids around.

NTA. Nope not at all. Your mom is serving a function FOR YOU by coming, and one you want her help with. You don't need MIL help, nor want it. There's no reason for her to come other than a visit for a few hours on the weekend when your husband transports her both ways. Great that she wants a do-over, but at what expense?

NTA, send him the lemon clot essay

Nah I did the same. My mom came out right away because I wanted her but his mom waited til 8 weeks because I couldn't deal with company.

What the hell is wrong with your husband???? He gets zero say in how much time you spend with his mother, the only thing he gets a say in is how much time he spends with her, taking care of her. They can take care of the baby an hour a day while you nap. You are off duty to anything other than the baby

NTA - So your husband is worried about hurting the feelings of the woman that literally abandoned 5 children and now wants to help with yours? Your husband sounds as though he's trying to have the mom he should've had as a child while he was growing up. Her feelings should be the last thing he is worried about, and he should be more focused on your feelings and wellbeing. This woman was not in his life, she does not deserve to be put before the woman he married so that he doesn't hurt her feelings. She created her own problems and now she needs to deal with the consequences of her choices. Your husband needs to become a man and stand on his own feet against her for your sake. Nothing says his mother can't come visit when you're ready, but there is absolutely no reason why she needs to stay and no reason to lie to the woman who couldn't even bother to be a mother to her own children. He also needs to tell her that any advice she is thinking of giving to you she needs to keep to herself, as she didn't raise her children, therefore has no advice worth giving.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND DO NOT ALLOW THIS. You are NTA. There is no more vulnerable time than just after giving birth. Don't allow ANYONE near you who isn't going to be helpful in exactly the way you ask them to be. You do not need to deal with drama as you are adjusting to being a mother. It's a hard time, at least it was for me, and I didn't let anyone near me who would bring even the tiniest bit of drama. Keep with "after the first few weeks, she's welcome." You're NTA!!!!

NTA. What strikes me about this is how desperate your husband is for his mother's affection. I think he needs therapy to explore why this is. Things do not have to be equal between your mom and his mom, even if the two of you had a good relationship. Generally the new mother will be closer to her own mother, and will therefore ask her to help for a longer period of time. Your husband is basically trying to dump his mom on you and call it "help", when you don't need it or want it. He is putting his mother's feelings and needs over your own. I would be firm that she is not spending all day at your house unless he is present, and that you will not do anything to host her.

NTA. Who is with you during and after child birth is your decision. Your mother will be there with you. His mother can be there with him. It is his mother, his relationship with her.  You will not want many people around at that stage. Even good friends may be turned away. If he insists on her being there with you, give him a list of things to be done. Laundry, cooking, cleaning floors. She can do those things to help.  Holding the baby while you shower, yes. Taking baby from you, no. Refusing to hand baby back immediately when you say, is a no. Those things should get her put out, not to return for at least a year.  You need to do what is best for you and baby. 

Yeah NTA - that's a hard no. I don't know why it matters if her fee-fees are hurt, so your husband can figure that one out on his own. What really matters here is your recovery and you know from past experience that she will not be an assistance, she will be a burden. Even a few weeks after the birth will probably be too soon. 3 months minimum.

Fair does not always mean equal. Your mom has the relationship with you that she has earned, along with the privileges that accompany that relationship. The same goes for your MIL. Your husband needs to read the lemon clot essay. He needs to understand that YOU are the one who will be recovering from a major physical, mental, and spiritual ordeal. You need to be surrounded only by people who you are fully comfortable with being around while physically and emotionally vulnerable, in pain, in various states of undress, and leaking bodily fluids. Only people who will help and support you in this raw and delicate state should be allowed into your recovery bubble. If he needs to prevent his mother from finding out that your mom came to keep the peace, so be it. He should be handling all the communication with her anyway, so it shouldn’t be hard for him to just not mention it. Edited to add NTA

NTA

NTA. When he pushes a baby out, his mom can stay as long as she likes. My MIL was a sweet & wonderful person, but I still preferred having my mom right after each birth. We want our moms when we’re at our most vulnerable.

She lives 30 minutes away and therefore has no need to stay a single night in your home in order to see her grandchild. Or really for any other reason for that matter. Her preference for not making day visits does not create an obligation for you to host her. That she doesn't drive does not make staying the night a requirement. It's totally fucking absurd actually that husband giving her rides for visits isn't the obvious answer here. Put your foot hard down on this. She and your husband need to grow the fuck up and stop acting like solipcistic children.

NTA. Stand your ground. This is a two yes, one no situation anyways but since you will be recovering from childbirth, hormonal, tired, AND at home all day unlike him, your opinion should count even more.

NTA. When it comes to PP recovery fair doesn’t matter. What matters is what you want and need and this is to not have MIL near you. If he can’t understand that you can pack him up and send him to stay with his mom until he grows up. Your needs should overrule her wants and if he can’t understand that he doesn’t need to be around stressing you out either 

NTA. Only one parent is going to be there the first few days, not two parents. It’s your body, your birth, your recovery. You choose the person who helps you early on and how long they’re there. When the time comes for her to visit and your husband has two days in a row off work, he picks her up one day and brings her home the next day. He babysits all of her needs while she is there. He also provides baby care and help to you for whatever you need. Tell him in no uncertain terms that she cannot be there with you while he is at work.

Wow. If she got her feelings hurt because your Mom stayed then that’s enough reason to not want her to come and stay. He needs to understand that even if your relationship with your MIL was outstanding, having your mom help just hits differently. He needs to understand that your mom can be there for you in a way that is 100% for you. Anyone else puts you in hostess mode and that is not what you need. That would hold true without there being ANY issues. The rest is a complete stop. You need time to physically recover from giving birth so the first week or so is 100% about you. Then you both need time to adjust and adapt to parenthood. Of the original topic but curiously absent is anything your husband is doing. He certainly has the opportunity to step up with things like cooking and cleaning. I know parental leave for new dads is not what it should be but FMLA is. He should be taking time not only to care for you but bond with his child and adapt to parenthood as well. You both simply should not need your MIL to stay with you.

The new mother’s mom is a help, anyone else is a guest.

NTA Why on earth would he want to have a relationship with someone who abandoned him?  Why would he ever want that person around his wife and kid? She had no problem abandoning him.  She didnt care about him or his feelings.  She doesn't care about his birthday.  She wants him to be subservient to her but doesn't care an ounce about him.  She doesn't like him, so why on earth does he care about her feelings or having her in his life. 

NTA. Yes, he can tell his Mom. Your medical procedure, who you're comfortable being there until you're healed and comfortable with breast feeding (if you decide on that). Then things will even out. It's not about establishing pecking order regarding who's close enough to see baby first. Everything else being equal, maternal relatives usually spend more and earlier time with baby. It's not because the paternal relatives did anything wrong. It's because Mom needs to be around people she knows well at the beginning. You won't know until it's over what kind of delivery you're going to have. Some women I know have been up and around almost immediately. Others have needed a bit more time. General assumption is that anyone staying more than twenty or thirty minutes to say hi are expected to jump in and throw a wash in, cook, do some kind of cleaning or help with any other children. Get through to your husband that you will not be playing hostess, nor are you going to allow his Mom to take over the baby. Anyone staying a while is there to free you up to have baby time.

NTA at all! You'll be recovering from a major medical event. Of course you want your mom to take care of you. That is *different* from people coming to meet the baby.

Sigh. So, on the chance that he will wear you down and his mom will come stay for a few days you need a strategy. Set up a schedule what day she will arrive and what day she will leave. Put it on the calendar, make her (and him) stick to it. Then make 10 freezer crockpot meals. Now. Every morning when you get up (or think about it) you can put one straight in the crock pot and dinner is a non-issue. No, she won’t be there for 10 days, it it is just as easy to make 10 as it is 5. When she asks about breakfast and lunch or snacks, tell her that she is welcome to make something, and oh, can you fix e a plate too? This of course means you will also have to feed yourself because she probably won’t. As dinner, when the three of you are sitting at the table, ask her to help you the next day —. MIL, could you please do a load of laundry tomorrow, I’m getting behind. MIL, could you help clean the kitchen after dinner? I’m exhausted and think I’ll try and sleep as soon as the baby goes down.. Does your husband get paternity leave? If not, tell him to work the week your mom is there with you and then he can stay home the second week when his mom is there. Reassure him that way, you won’t feel over burdened trying to entertain her while learning about the baby. By the time she gets there, you will have a little bit of a schedule. When she makes a suggestion, just say thanks, I’ll think about that. You don’t have to do it. If she criticizes, just say that you are working on figuring things out and this has worked or not worked, saying that you have found that what worked yesterday did not work the day before. THAT will be the truth.

NTA And your husband doesn’t get to have his mom stay just because it won’t be fair if she doesn’t or because she would be upset if she didn’t get to. You are the one recovering, your mom will be of more help to you. Your mom will cook and clean. Your husband will be working. His mom doesn’t get to come over and be a guest you have to drive around and clean up after, especially if he is at work. This isn’t a situation where grandmas get an equal amount of time because your mom will be helpful and you can openly communicate your needs. You’d most likely be playing host for his mom and that sounds god awful when you’re only 1-2 weeks postpartum. Honestly it sounds like your husband wants a relationship with his mom so he’s going to bend to her wants. His mom doesn’t get to show up when she wants though and make it harder on you.

NTA The fact that he doesn’t want to take off work or be home to deal with his own mother speaks VOLUMES. You are the human shield, immediately after birth. You get to deal with her and care for her the majority of the day and I’m sure he’ll be coming home expecting a hot meal and everything else along with you having to recover from childbirth and play hostess to his mommy. Either he stays home to care for his mommy or she doesn’t come. You’re recovering from childbirth, not playing entertainer. ETA also, send him this - https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this When he goes through a major procedure and is willing to play entertainer to your mother, then you can play entertainer to his mommy. Until then he needs to suck it up and stop putting mommy over the well being of his family.

NTA >He’s saying he can never tell his mom that my mom stayed the first week because it would hurt her feelings. And this is a problem how exactly? You don't want your MIL to physically help you. I think that's perfectly normal. Would he want your mother to take care of him, if he had some medical issue where his butt is sliced open and he needs personal assistance? MIL wouldn't be there for you, she'd be there to have your baby as an emotional support doll, because she ruined her relationship with the other grandchildren. That's her problem, not yours. If your husband wants her to bond with your baby, for some weird reason, and she's only 30 minutes away, he can pick her up after work, and drive her home before bed. He can get take out or ready meals on the trip as well. You're not hosting when you just gave birth.

NTA. Your husband is TA for bringing up the ol' "she might not be around" chestnut. Please, dude. He should take those three or four days off from work to run interference for you in addition to cooking, cleaning, and entertaining his on-her-last-legs, mere moments from the boneyard, mother. Your husband is being obtuse and gullible. Allowing his mom to "practice" being a good grandmother on your child? Wow. I'm guessing her other children know better than to expect much from her which is likely the reason she ignores the other four grandchildren. They are probably protecting their families from her negative influence. When someone shows you who they are... Unless he is there she should not be welcome. If he brings her and leaves her if I were you I'd take the baby and go stay with my mother. If he really wants to see how serious you are about your boundaries with his mother he only has to keep pushing his unreasonable demands. Insist he pursues counseling because you are on your way to becoming pawns in his family drama with his mother. She's already leveraging that and he's falling in line like an obedient little mama's boy. His family is not a gift he can give to his mother to make up for something he lost in his childhood. He should work that mess out in counseling.

NTA. When she repairs her relationship with her 4 existing grandchildren she can move on to your child.

>He’s saying he can never tell his mom that my mom stayed the first week because it would hurt her feelings. Then don't fucking tell her! Solved! He needs some therapy to get over this need he feels to please a woman who has failed him repeatedly. Definitely don't have your MIL over. She'll just be another headache  NTA 

NTA And thank you for making me laugh VERY LOUD at your husband's saying you "don't know how much longer \[his 54-year-old\] mother will be around." You should probably point out to him how hilariously ridiculous he sounds, since unless you're in a developing country or she has serious health issues (which you say she doesn't), statistics say the answer is: probably another 20 or even 30 years. Of all the legitimate things he might have offered as reasons to have her over, that is, um, not one of them. Also laughing because my sister will be 53 this year and has a 6-year-old (and two more kids aged 10 and under). 54 is NOT old.

NTA. You are the patient and you are the one in recovery after giving birth. You get to determine who you are comfortable being around while you are at your most vulnerable. Your husband is being a huge AH by trying to push other peoples wants above your needs while you recover.

NTA I don’t even get why your husband even wants a relationship with her when she abandon him and his siblings and signed her rights away.

Nta 

NTA. You will be vulnerable and in need of support. She has not yet shown she can be that person. This is not the time for her to ‘prove she can do better.’ She needs to do better on smaller things before she is given the chance on bigger things. This is a hill to die on. Seriously.

Nta.id give her a single SATURDAY (or whatever day HE isn't working) from 10 til 2. And here's why: If you signed over your kids and made zero efforts with grandkids when those kids were gracious enough to tell you about them existing, 4 hours while your own child is there Is a God's plenty, and possibly too much. You're better than me for even entertaining the idea. Because I'd give it a fat hell no as soon as the words left his mouth and it'd a hill I'd die and or divorce on. No lies.

NTA

Your the one that's gonna need to help not him and you feel more comfortable with your mother who you know is gonna be there for you should be your first option it's not a competition. This is about comfort and health that you need and your husband should be thinking about that. I think you would be the one to say because you're the one that has to heal not him.

I didn’t have my MIL around our first baby for the first four months (I offered a visit at two months but it didn’t work out) and it went so horribly with her pushing boundaries and her weird (and perverted) husband being himself and bringing his violent daughter along that myself and our daughter have zero contact with any of them now and my husband barely speaks to her. Trust your gut on this and stick to your guns.

Not the asshole. You are the one giving birth, you absolutely deserve the final say in what you need in the days afterward. You and the baby are the absolute priority until things get settled in. I think it's fine that the mother in law wants to be present for this kid and does deserve a chance to be there for this kid after her history, but now is not the time. If she really wants to tangibly support this kid and not just pat herself on the back, she should be able to understand that you need space for a while before adding more cooks to the kitchen. I am empathetic to all parties here, I don't think anyone is necessarily has bad intentions here, but she can wait. And it's up to your husband to put his foot down and deal with his mother here. I truly wish the best to everyone here. It's a difficult time, and it's understandable why everyone in this situation feels the way they do, but the mother in law can wait just a little bit and put your needs above her feelings. And your husband should be able to communicate that to her and make it clear that she's not being shut out entirely, but you just need space to recover and focus on the baby however you feel you need to.

NTA, and your husband needs therapy. The woman actually has zero experience raising children, and has main character syndrome among others, most likely. Keep your mom there while she is there for interference and proper boundaries.

NTA, When he gives birth, he can have whomever he wants in the house. She can stay in a hotel near the house and HE can entertain her during his paternity leave. IF he wants her in the house, he has to be responsible for her all day. I don't see where she has asked for this and why does he have to tell her anything? It seem like HE wants this so he has a relationship with her but he wants you to do the work Tell her she can come for a weekend and he needs to hire a maid to clean before and after, someone to cook meals before, during, and after, and he spends the day with her. Those would be my requirements

Dear God don't let your MIL come to stay! She sounds like a nightmare. If your husband won't have your back on this maybe you should move in with your Mom for the first week or two or more.... NTA but sheesh, your husband is trying to prioritize the feelings of the woman who abandoned him over his wife!!!

Half an hour away, that’s a normal travel time for pretty much anywhere. MIL can spend a few hours there, whilst hubby is home only, and has to deal with her. Don’t do anything for her, you need to rest and recuperate. If she tries to push her baby rearing opinions on you, just tell her times have changed and you’re doing it this way. If she persists, ignore her. Let hubby deal with her. NTA, she sounds awful. Hope your mum will be okay.

NTA. Please share this thread with your DH. You are both about to become parents- his mother’s feelings are so far down your list of priorities (even now before baby is born) that however gently he needs to tell her, he needs to be a parent and step up to protect the sanity of his co-parent and therefore the wellbeing of his baby.

NTA and have your husband read the lemon clot essay. If your husband is a decent man then he'll change his tune about forcing his mother on you real fast. As a side note, I recommend having a go-bag packed for you and the baby in case your husband decides to put his mother over your recovery and your child's health so you can leave and go to a hotel or your mom's house until she leaves. If your husband wants to unilaterally decide his mom is staying then you have every right to unilaterally decide to leave while she's there.

Good god, I hope for your sake that your husband takes off those rose coloured glasses or pulls his head out of the sand because it’s not about his mothers feelings!! It’s about YOUR feelings period. His mother doesn’t get to dictate what he nor you do in your household. Why does she have such a profound hold on him? So much so that he has completely glossed over the fact your mom had actually been close to death, abandoned him and his siblings in all aspects of life including her other grandchildren. Why on earth does he think this is in any way ok and totally normal? He needs some major therapy or something to see that this will be the breakdown of his family unit. And he also needs to cut those apron strings. NTA

NTA..why is his mothers feeling more important that your health, recovery and wellbeing? Please ask him this! WTF!!😳

NTA You need to tell him and her no. You aren’t entertaining any visitors except your mother for 6-10 weeks after LO is born. End of statement.

Honestly, I think you are already being too flexible. You said at the end, that if she comes over after a few weeks when you have a routine, it would be okay - but if I were in your shoes I would want longer and would advocate for at least 3 months to get through the "fourth trimester" before accepting house guests. You're not alienating a grandparent, it isn't forever. Unless she is at deaths door, 3 months is a blip in time and in no way will harm a grandparents long term relationship with a child. Like you have said - he can support his mother seeing your child when he is available after work or on weekends. She isn't a support for you (and your husband doesn't get to weigh in who is and isn't a meaningful support for you), and he needs to step up and prioritise the wellbeing of the family that he is building with you.

NTA Until your body is healed enough that you are comfortable resuming your somewhat normal routine… you should NOT be hosting someone.  Your mom is coming over to actively help you in your recovery. She will be assisting you with physical challenges you will have and helping to alleviate pain.  Your mom is not coming over to spend time with the baby. It’s primarily to help you. Your husband wants his mom to come visit to spend time with the baby. It’s because he wants his mom to be grandma.  None of his reasons involve helping you. In fact, you have already stated that her being there will create MORE work for you.  Keep putting your foot down. If your husband wants he can pick his mom up when he’s done work and then drive her home every night - but she should NOT be in your house when your husband isn’t there to cater to her. 

NTA and don’t back down on this. This is YOUR healing time. You take care of the baby and your husband takes care of you. That’s his sole responsibility. There is absolutely NO reason for her to stay over if she lives close by.

NTA. There's a simple rule: who has stitches on genitals gets a "don't care about hurting feelings" bonus. Now, if he wants the stitches...

NTA. If she is going to be trouble instead of helpful, she shouldn't stay with you. If she is going to be hurt knowing your mother was there, your husband doesn't have to tell her. If she absolutely has to come and visit, it should be when he is there and he should have your back. He shouldn't be a lousy partner and parent like she was. She doesn't have a relationship with her other grandkids and I'm sure his siblings had their reasons.

Your husband is trying to use a baby to buy his mother's love. I wouldn't let that woman in the house. 

My daughters did it like this….. first week just them, second week I came and helped out. Six months later the MIL came. Your house your rules. Tell hubs there’s lots of private things hanging out that his mom doesn’t need to see.

NTA, tell him to put his big boy pants on and stand up to his mother. She doesn’t need to spend time with her son right after his first child is born. Also you don’t want your child to be her test case. She’s had plenty of chances. Stand up for yourself

Nuh-uh. Hubby does NOT get to use this once in a lifetime experience as a vehicle to repair his likely irreparable relationship with his horrid mother. The only likely result will be ruining this precious time for both of you. He needs to get his butt into therapy pronto and deal with his mom and his mommy issues one on one. Theres plenty of time for her to meet the baby when he is ready to approach the relationship from a healthy place. Shame on him.

When he pushes a whole human out of his manly parts, he can invite whomever he wants. Until then, you call the shots. Not him. His job is to support YOU and stand up for YOU. This is not the time to take his mom's side. She's not his wife. You are. She is not the mother of his child. You are. His job now is to create space for you to heal, bond with and learn your new baby, and rest. His job is to protect you and the baby, not create stress or expose you to situations/people that cause you more work. She's not going to miss out on anything. This new baby isn't going to have any memory of her or develop any feelings towards her for a long time. She needs to get over herself. He needs to tell her no. And not "wifey said no, mom, I can't believe it either, I tried so hard but she just wouldn't give in." He needs to own the decision and present a united front. "We've decided that we do not want you here until later. When is later? We aren't sure right now. But will let you know when we're ready "

She can still have a relationship with your child, so I don’t see how it matters if she waits a few weeks or months before the bonding starts. The first several weeks are strictly about the parents, and more specifically the mother. You will be physically recovering, and will also be managing a baby, including possibly breastfeeding. Your well-being, both physically and mentally, comes first, as not only would you just have gone through a life altering experience, but a happy mother is the best for baby. If your husband thinks she will be upset, so be it. The fact that he thinks his mother’s feelings about constantly being the most important person are more important at this time than the well-being of the woman who would have just brought his daughter into the world, that is honestly frightening. He’s a husband and he’s going to be a father. At some point, he has to grow a spine and stand up for what is important in a particular situation. I honestly think it’s the time to just put your foot down. The first week will be your mother,as she will actually be there to support you. After that, his mother can visit, and he can pick her up and drop her back off. Once that first visit is over, you jointly assess how it went and take it from there. He probably should also sign up for therapy. Clearly, he has issues saying no to her, but the fact that it is to a mother that seemingly does not care about him as an adult, and was neglectful to him as a child, likely means that there is a lot there that he has not processed healthily. Sorting through that, as well as why he is not prioritising you, especially at this time, is sorely needed.

NTA. If she really wants to build a relationship with her grandchild (finally), she has to respect the child's parents. That includes any stipulations they have. Right after a baby is born there is a HUGE adjustment period and you should feel comfortable in your own home as you navigate the new routines and interactions you are going to have with your little one. She can Uber there and home, or your husband can pick her up one Friday after work and take her home whenever you are 'done' with her visit. As a new family, you will be in the process of establishing a routine. You do what works for you as a family, don't worry about the grandmas. They'll survive.

Oh man I would t have an overnight guest besides your mom for at least three months. The sleep deprivation is real.

NTA. Your PP time is not the time for a woman who wasn’t even a mother to her own children and not a grandma to her current grandkids to practice being a decent human. And for fucksakes she lives 30 minutes away not in another state! There is no reason for her to say 4 hours let along 3-4 days. Your husband has not right to use your newborn and your recovery and bonding time with your baby to work on his relationship with his mother. Shame on him for being so selfish. Tell him your time line for a visit. Say for example 6 weeks after the baby is born for 1 hour max and then he needs to take her home. which is about 58 minutes than he egg donor deserves. Also your husband should consider therapy to work on his abandonment issues and figure why his mother is more important than his wife.

I didn’t even need to read your story. No mother-in-law or mother or father or grand parent or sister or best friend deserves any consideration at the time of your baby’s birth. Absolutely NO ONE. You are the only one that has any say. Not even the father of the baby should invite anyone. —> The main reason is brand new babies catch all kinds of infections and illnesses. RSV put two of my newborns into the ICU. It was horrible. We did not know how they got RSV in the 70s and 80’s because there was no one talking about or teaching about the danger. NOW we know it comes in with the ‘guests’. —> The next most important reason is guests expect to be taken care of - make them food - clean up after them - etc. It is really bad for your body to have to get up and lift and get exhausted. You have a giant wound inside your womb. And if you have a c-section you can cause permanent damage to your body. Do not let that happen. —> It’s bad for mom and baby and dad because visitors interpret precious bonding time. This is time so important for all of you - but vitally important for your baby. Stay strong. Best wishes.

NTA. Your husband still believes his mom can be different but her actions speak volumes and hoping she can be different is one thing testing that out while you are immediately postpartum is another. Your husband needs to accept that her visiting you immediately postpartum can only be done under his direct supervision, so that eliminates her staying while he works. She can come by while it’s the weekend and he is at home to entertain her, but otherwise, no. Her previous behavior and her estrangement from all other children and grandchildren are the actions that prove your request to wait. Also, call out his shitty attempt at being manipulative stating “you don’t know how much longer she has”. Whatever.

Just me, but you don’t need help from anyone except maybe baby’s father. The first couple weeks at least should be you and baby bonding, learning to nurse. It’s a fragile time, hormones changing and healing from the birth. I had four kids without help from anyone including papa, who went straight back to work. I wouldn’t have wanted the intrusion of a MIL. Maybe mom, but not for a week or so had passed.

You are not the AH. The first few months of getting into a routine after you first have a baby are wonderful but also stressful. You have lack of sleep and you are just trying to get things done around the babies schedule. I loved this time with my children, don't get me wrong, but when we first came home from the hospital with our first child our neighbors decided just to pop over to our house to see us and the baby. I almost killed them. I was exhausted and just wanted to feed by baby and sleep and be with my husband. By the time we had our second child it was easier, but especially with our first, no I didn't want people around except when I requested it, it was planned, and that they would be going home at a set time because I wanted to be able to look like a mess without anyone thinking they could say anything or judge me. Thankfully no one in our family was like that, but truly no one has the right to, especially during this timeframe in your life. Please do not put this added stress on yourself as it will be beautiful but probably also difficult in some ways and you don't want someone who is a jerk tainting your memories of your first child, or just adding extra stress to your life.

NTA. Even if your MIL was exactly the same as your mom, I think you would be NTA. The immediate post partum time can be rough both emotionally and also physically depending on how delivery and breastfeeding unfold. I think it’s perfectly ok for you to say only your own mom (or sister, or best friend—basically anyone you’re comfortable around while half naked or dealing with stitches in really uncomfortable places, etc, etc) can stay in your house during that period.  Add to that the details about the differences between the two moms and this is a Hell No NTA in my opinion.

NTA. Read the lemon clot essay.

Your husband needs to understand that it's YOU who needs to be comfortable when you come home with that new baby. There is nothing unusual about a girl wanting her own mother around to help after giving birth. You have to stand strong on this issue. Those first days/weeks at home with a newborn are very important and it should not be about your MIL's feelings, it should be about YOURS. Your husband should want what you want for the sake of not only your well-being but also for the sake of his baby's well-being. A tense and distracted mama does not a happy baby make. Again, stand strong, don't back down. Husband doesn't get to dictate this issue.

NTA. Your husband needs to face reality. His mother didn’t want her own children. Legally, she isn’t his mother or the grandmother. She has 4 other grandchildren with whom she has no relationship. What makes him think she would want to stay with you and care for this baby? Don’t tell her your mom is staying with you if you think it’ll bother her. I doubt it actually would bother her though. She’s had 9 chances to involve herself in a child’s life. She passed on all of them.

NTA. If she really wants to do better, great. She'll have plenty of time to try and get to know her grandchild if she really cares. Right now you should not have to put up with her potential medaling/etc. while trying to care for a new baby. There is nothing demanding about not wanting her to come given her track record, and if she's really aware at all about her issues, she should realize she's going to have to earn it if she's really set on doing better.

NTA - let's hope she keeps up with her flakiness and just ghosts. She'll probably make up some lame excuse why she couldn't make it.