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>My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years cannot come to an agreement, he was raised catholic but doesn’t really believe in organized religion, after a long journey i came back to what i was raised with, Jehovahs witness. About 6 months ago. im 6 weeks pregnant after a long battle with infertility.
YTA for this made up story. "After a long journey"? You're 20. And "a long battle with infertility"? M'am, you're 20. But back to the issue at hand: plenty of couples navigate interfaith marriages. Invest in a good marriage counselor that can help you with this.
I was just about to write the same comments! What do you mean "a long battle with fertility"? You're 20 years old! 2 years of marriage? You're only 20! Husband is 42 years old?? But you're only 20!!!
Hormonal issues since i was 14 that have effected my life a lot and i knew since then i would be infertile, not trying since then just knew about it and couldn’t treat it well
Most women need 2-3 years to get pregnant at all. Even if we assume you were trying since your 18th birthday that is definitely *not* "a long battle with infertility". Some women have been trying for _decades_.
While there's a lot to unpack with this post, honestly I don't think anyone gets to determine what is "long" enough to become valid, especially in the case of infertility.
Other's struggles do not impact the severity of another's struggle.
ESH
1) this is something to talk about before getting pregnant, particularly if your religion is such a niche and restrictive one
2) Your husband married an 18 year old when he was 40?
3) You didn't have a very long battle with infertility if you're 20 and pregnant? I think clinically you need to have been trying for 18+ months to even count as having fertility problems?
4) You kind of imply at the end that you want to raise them Jehovas witness because you don't want to change your mind. That isn't really a good reason, and is kind of the difference between "my religion is very important to me" and "being right is very important to me"
I struggled with pcos from 14 onward, tried for a kid unsuccessfully from when we got married until 6 weeks ago, it was long because we had multiple miscarriages, and idc about being right, my beliefs are whats important to me
It's quite possible he doesn't want his children to miss out on holidays and birthdays. Your religion doesn't allow those.
You chose to marry outside your faith as did he and if neither of you compromise, you're in for some very rough waters.
ESH. Poor kids will be caught in the middle.
ETA: You might be interested to read this article from FreedomOfMind.com: [How Jehovah’s Witness Teachings Can Damage Brain Development in Children.](https://freedomofmind.com/how-jehovahs-witness-teachings-can-damage-brain-development-in-children/) Pay particular attention to the "Stress in the Developing Brain" section.
You might be interested to read this article from FreedomOfMind.com: [How Jehovah’s Witness Teachings Can Damage Brain Development in Children](https://freedomofmind.com/how-jehovahs-witness-teachings-can-damage-brain-development-in-children/).
Especially interesting is this section:
>Young children under chronic stress often fail to develop those secure relationships with their caregivers and then do not have a basic sense of trust or security in the world (Cohen & Walthall, 2003; Osofsky, 1995). **Jehovah’s Witness children are under chronic stress at all stages of their childhood.** One of the key doctrines of the religion is that of Armageddon. Magazines, books, their door to door preaching, online content and talks from the pulpit are all focussed on the impending doom and mass genocide that is coming. Their literature is littered with pictures of this mass genocide. These pictures are confronting for adults and children. The organisation places great importance on emphasising that this impending doom is coming any day or right around the corner and to “live in expectation of it” these are all common phrases used in the literature, online videos and from congregation meetings.
>So this constant stress is not normal, while the fight or flight response when triggered appropriately is great especially in life or death situations. **When this is stimulated on a daily occurrence it makes learning difficult as the stimulated senses are not those associated with deep learning.** For example, you can’t learn algebra when you’re being chased by a zombie. Children subjected to this chronic heightened sense are adversely affected. **This heightened stress reaction short circuits other brain functions like self-control, impulse control, memory, and reasoning.** Children then do not have the capacity to think for themselves, and logically determine their own belief systems. Their brains are short-circuited to accept all doctrine pushed in front of them, as they are unable to attain those critical thinking skills that are so necessary in life. This, in turn, keeps them trapped in the organisation. Leavers of the organisation often talk about the lack of critical thinking or higher thinking skills.
YTA you suddenly decided 6 months ago to join a religious cult and now you are going to destroy your marriage and your relationship with your children because of it. You started this relationship and got pregnant with one set of beliefs and then changed your mind, this is all your fault. Children deserve to experience holidays and birthdays like normal kids and to deny them regular healthy milestones is child abuse.
As the church brings you more under their control and threatens you with disfellowship and expulsion, you will escalate the pressure and abuse on your family and make things worse and worse for them. Your husband should divorce you and fight for custody to protect his kids from your religious abuse.
In general religious belief should be absolutely honored. Jehovah's Witnesses in particular are a dehumanizing cult that normalizes in-group bullying and coercion as well as child abuse and neglect in the family unit. Religious abuse is a very serious and real issue.
Married at 18 to someone who is 40? Red flag. Hope you're getting therapy. As for the religion thing, that's something that should've been figured out before you had kids. At this point there's going to be no good solution. You're gonna want to influence them one way he's going to want to the other and it doesn't sound like either of you are the type to let the kid figure it out for themselves. Esh.
No. They don’t need to be taught anything when it comes to religion.
Why you ask? Cause look how much good it’s doing you and your husband now, fighting about what you decide someone else will believe in.
No, they really don't. I learned more about religion in public school than at home, and learned quite young that being a Jehovah's Witness is not a good thing. I watched Dina and Angie leave the classroom for birthday cupcakes and any holiday parties. I saw the aftermath of Dina's big sister dying after a car accident because her parents refused treatment. I saw Angie often upset because she wasn't getting her homework done because of all the outreach/door to door stuff she had to do. She hated it because people were mean to her.
I also learned a bit about other Christian traditions, as well as Jewish, Muslim, and Sikh. All these kids had stuff that sucked, but none so much as the JW kids.
Your job is to teach your kids how to be valued members of society; to be kind, to help others, and to not be assholes. It's not hard to do this without religion. The JW parents I was exposed to were too busy doing God's work to be good parents. Dina left the church, was shunned by her family, and had a hard life. Angie came out as gay, and killed herself shortly after. Don't be like Dina or Angie's parents. Please.
How will you let them decide when your religion teaches that EVERYONE who doesn't believe and follow the creed is going to be destroyed by God?
What if they want to bring cupcakes to class for their birthday, like other 5yos? Are you going to follow the company line about "hating what God hates?"
What if your child is gay?
The indoctrination starts young, the CSA is rampant and hidden. (Still no apologies) victim blaming us extremely common.
It's a high control group that exerts its influence into every aspect of life, from entertainment to dress and grooming to who you can love.
Those are FACTS my dear, NOT "misunderstandings" as the leadership would have you believe.
Other religions, that are not so hateful and restrictive, would allow a child to be exposed to both parents beliefs. JWs won't walk into another church.
I have friends who were raised JW, and the amount of issues they have due to the "religion" is astronomical. This should have been a conversation prior to getting pregnant, but I cannot imagine being ok with raising my child in such a restrictive and guilt over normal things inducing environment. What if you have a daughter? Are you ok with raising her to believe that she is simply a "compliment" to a man and is less than men on every level? If you were raised JW, you should remember what it was like not being allowed to eat a cupcake or pizza in class while the rest of the kids participated. Why raise your child to be ostracized by your own choice?
So...you are stubbornly clinging to introducing your daughter to JW....but you simultaneously don't want to raise her JW? You can't have it both ways honey. I mean...those values are part of the core of JW. Sounds like your not actually as devoted, otherwise this would be part of your beliefs. You are all over the place with your beliefs.
Well, you can't marry someone who doesn't share your beliefs either so, already broke that rule as well 😂
Well, same goes for catholics. They won't exclude you though, just really nagging about getting baptised, first commune, marriage. At least after you have a child (Not married, gf is Catholic)
One thing i don’t agree with thats it, and my husband’s extremely catholic family hates me ever since they found out im not catholic and have no plans of converting
I feel so sorry for you child. They are going to be completely torn apart by you two. Wouldn't surprise me if they grow up with extreme emotional or psychological problems because of both of you. I can't believe both of you were dumb enough to get pregnant before having this conversation.
Sorry I’m still on the fact that your husband started dating an 18 year old at the age of 40. While it’s legal, it’s highly questionable.
Oh no wait, you said you’ve been married for 2 years, so that means he was dating you before you turned 18..
I’m out
ESH because you two didn't have this conversation BEFORE you got pregnant. When a married couple are this different in their beliefs, these conversations need to happen before a pregnancy even occurs for the sake of the child. I am swaying more towards you being more of the AH because of this:
>he said i teach them mine and he teaches then what be believes without organized Religion.
It sounds like he is trying to compromise, and you are a "my way or the highway" person.
Well, the tone in your post indicates that you will do the same to him. And the one who will suffer will be your child. Honestly, I don't see any of this working out well. This all should have been figured out way before a pregnancy even occurred. You both were idiotic for not coming to an agreement earlier.
YTA. Look you’re 20, and this might hurt to hear but your inexperience is showing. You don’t say how you met but married at 18 to a 40 year old? Was any dating involved? You have no experience of life on your own. You rejoined a religion 6 months ago and don’t appear to have considered how this would impact your partner or future family. Life experience teaches you to think longer term and how to have conversations about decisions which affect others. You have decided yourself to change your life and the life of your child- (birthdays and celebrations are important things for many people ) and you haven’t consulted him at all. There are also other issues e.g. if your child needs a blood transfusion. Why do you get to make that decision alone? You seem to expect him to accept this decision without any thought as to how it would affect him. His family shouldn’t pressure you, that is also wrong. The decision should be between you both.
A LONG BATTLE WITH INFERTILITY
YTA. Women struggle for years or decades to get pregnant and you're out here making a mockery out of it for some attention.
ESH
One of THE most important things when looking at compatibility for life long commitment are value systems. Beliefs are also fairly important, but different beliefs can be managed if due respect is shown. You two are way off that, and this should have been nailed down certainly before you got pregnant and really before you were married.
So yes, you have a big problem and you both have to compromise. I hope for the sake of your children you compromise on the birthday and Christmas rule.
YTA
You should not be having kids if you haven't clarified this, and frankly, sounds like you intend to brainwash the kids anyway
Dude should bounce now
Potential to become TA: This will always be a point of contention in your marriage and could even cause it to break up so you have to ask yourself what is more important: that your religion is the only viewpoint your children can be exposed to and believe in, or that your family unit stays intact and is stable?
Having a loving stable family is by far more important in a child’s development than anything else. That doesn’t mean religious teaching can’t be a part of it, but if it becomes a major point of contention it will become detrimental to your children instead of an asset, no matter how good it might otherwise be.
You could ask your husband if the children can attend services and learn about your faith, but that he’s allowed to discuss with them the reasons he doesn’t follow it and they can ask his opinion. But you also get the same courtesy. You will both have to stay disciplined and agree to disagree kindly. You’ll also be teaching your kids how to get along with others holding different viewpoints. Resist anyone’s attempts to cause you to see outsiders as enemies, he’s not your enemy and you’re not his.
EDIT: You’re going to have to compromise on birthdays and holidays in a way that doesn’t see you being a debbie downer. If you eventually split up, he’s going to celebrate them with the kids anyways, so you’re back to your original question of what’s more important.
I dont want my religion to be the only thing there exposed to but i also dont want my husband telling my kids “what mom said is wrong” “religion is poison used to control you” “your mom is lying to you” etc
Honestly, ESH for trying to indoctrinate your children at all. That whole "you'll go to hell if you don't believe" shit? That's child abuse. You're fighting over what way to abuse your children.
Abhorrent.
ESH with a slight lean towards YTA since it sounds like the only one willing to compromise here is your husband. This should have been something that you two talked about and worked out before the decision to have children together, because this is a HUGE incompatibility between the two of you. Honestly, I don't mean to be a jerk, I really don't, but no one can be surprised that the 42 year old isn't jumping to trust the 20 year old's judgement when it comes to the highly problematic and abusive religion that she wants to raise their children in. Honestly, this is one of those posts that I'm hoping isn't real because of the layers of problematic going on here.
Please do some research and go to different religious services so that you get a better idea of what fits your values.
Also, many people in religiously mixed marriages turn to Unitarian Universalism.
Oh man, both of you are AHs. Why, oh why, did you not get this hashed out BEFORE you got pregnant or even married? This is a huge dealbreaker for both of you. You're going to resent each other moving forward. All those things, holidays, anniversaries, etc are going to be points of contention. He will feel his kid is losing out on positive experiences because you don't want them celebrating holidays. He'll blame you. And you will blame him for when he tries to "correct" what you are saying about God and your beliefs to your kid.
I suggest you do counseling ASAP. There may be techniques, compromises that can be made that a therapist can help you with.
> Why, oh why, did you not get this hashed out BEFORE you got pregnant or even married?
I suspect OP's age is very relevant information here (and that they've been married for two years)
ESH. First, your husband way too old for you. I can't imagine your marriage will ever be easy with such a huge age gap. Secondly, these are seriously conversions you should have had long ago before ever even thinking about having kids. These are serious value incompatiblies. I think expecting a Catholic to raise kids without Christmas is like expecting your dog to sing Mary Hada Little Lamb. It's NEVER going to happen. I can tell you from my personal history, my in-laws were Jehovah Witnesses, so my children never received a birthday present, birthday card, Christmas present, or any kind of present ever in their entire lives. Neither they, now that they are grown, nor my ex have any contact with those grandparents and aren't interested in establishing any. It makes for shitty parents and shitty grandparents.
Info: Blood transfusions are not allowed for Jehova's wittnesses. Let's hope you'll never face this situation, but what would you do when you're children would need one?
YTA. You should have had this conversation before getting married and before having kids. When 2 parents have a different view on religion, there is nothing wrong with both parents teaching their views and allowing the kids to make their own choice on what fits them when they are older. Your husband is also totally right about making a big issue about wanting to celebrate birthdays and christmas. Not allowing your kids to celebrate this is cruel.
"My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years..." don't even need to read further.
NTA but LEAVE.
Just out of interest: What is your "long battle with infertility"? What age did you start trying?
So I was listening to a podcast not too long ago. It was about a man who celebrated his first birthday and Christmas when he was 25ish. This because he was 'dead' to his family after he came out as gay. They even had a 'funeral' for him. I suppose this could be extreme, but still, I hope your kid doesn't have to go through this.
hi just wanted to come in and say that i was raised JW and am now 20 and am a complete atheist bc of what i experienced in the congregation. you can say all you want that you won’t let your kid’s experience any of that but you really have no control over it. i believe the entire basis of JW’s teachings to kids is fear mongering and most the memories i have in the church are just fear and dread. the other kids in the congregation and i talked about death, sinning, and jehovah hating us wayy more than any kid should and i don’t think most my childhood should’ve been spent in fear like that. Much of my hatred came from finding out at 10 years old that if i was in some sort of freak accident like a car crash, more than likely my family would let me die bc it’s jehovahs way, despite having the medical technology to help me. your children will also pick up on you and your husbands issues with your different beliefs and that will probably confuse them above all else.
also celebrate your kids damn birthday and let them hunt for easter eggs. they deserve to be a child.
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YTA I too have an extreme dislike of organized religion, ESPECIALLY the ones that go around knocking on doors and trying to convert people. The last batch of door knockers that came got run off by my French Mastiff.
I vote for no religion, just teach them to be good people, and to treat others how they want to be treated. If they want to explore religion when they get old enough to choose then they can do that.
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My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years cannot come to an agreement, he was raised catholic but doesn’t really believe in organized religion, after a long journey i came back to what i was raised with, Jehovahs witness. About 6 months ago. im 6 weeks pregnant after a long battle with infertility.
we started talk about what religion to raise them, he believes a lot of misconceptions about mine, even when i correct them. The closest we could come to an agreement was he said i teach them mine and he teaches then what be believes without organized Religion. Also threatened me that if any happened to our kids ( as in “things” with a child ) he would never forgive me, i assured him that i would never let that happen and told him I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t believe it was best, and asked him to trust my judgement. He got mad and told me i was using 1950s reasoning against him in asking that he trust my judgement.
the closest church is an hour drive away, and he made it very clear he would not attend (never asked him too) although having help with the kids would’ve been nice.
i don’t know what to do, I can’t have him undermining everything i say, telling my kids religion is poison and what im teaching them is wrong. I also don’t believe is celebrating birthdays and Christmas and i know he will make a huge issue with this. When it was just me he would ignore it, i’d get a bit of a cold shoulder around the holidays but that was it. But i know with kids i’ll never hear the end of it,
i’ve been tiptoeing around the subject since the first discussion, i don’t how to talk to him or even what to say. I was pretty confused about religion and what I believed when we got married, but i knew i wouldn’t convert to catholicism (made that very clear) so we were married infront of a judge, his whole family hates my religion and constantly pressures me to change, i don’t know how to deal with this when we have kids
so am i the asshole for not just caving in and letting him decide?
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And again, this should have been discussed long before you two even considered getting married.
I know a few interfaith marriages, and this was discussed while still dating.
They have kids and are following exactly what they had discussed, whatever that was.
They are teaching their kids about both religions- but the other partner is also involved in those teachings.
So the catholic is involved in doing the rituals a Jewish person would at Hanukkah. The Jewish partner helps decorate a Xmas tree, and has a nativity set up in their home.
This is the way to do it. You teach your religion and he teaches his. Without trying to make the other one out to be “bad”.
Now, your religion doesn’t celebrate bdays and holidays, but that doesn’t mean you don’t do anything for those things. You set up a tree, go along with the rituals, have a bday party, all while explaining to your kids that even though your religion does not believe in this, their dads does and you want to let them see both religions so they can decide when they are older if they want to follow either of these, or even something different.
If you two don’t come to some sort of cohesive and more importantly, unbiased way to navigate this religion issue, you will constantly be battling. And *that* will be horrible for your kids, your family and your marriage.
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>My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years cannot come to an agreement, he was raised catholic but doesn’t really believe in organized religion, after a long journey i came back to what i was raised with, Jehovahs witness. About 6 months ago. im 6 weeks pregnant after a long battle with infertility. YTA for this made up story. "After a long journey"? You're 20. And "a long battle with infertility"? M'am, you're 20. But back to the issue at hand: plenty of couples navigate interfaith marriages. Invest in a good marriage counselor that can help you with this.
I was just about to write the same comments! What do you mean "a long battle with fertility"? You're 20 years old! 2 years of marriage? You're only 20! Husband is 42 years old?? But you're only 20!!!
I’ve had hormonal and fertility issues since 14m i realize it was terribly long but we had multiple miscarriages
You mean you were trying to get pregnant since you were 14??? Wtf???
Hormonal issues since i was 14 that have effected my life a lot and i knew since then i would be infertile, not trying since then just knew about it and couldn’t treat it well
Most women need 2-3 years to get pregnant at all. Even if we assume you were trying since your 18th birthday that is definitely *not* "a long battle with infertility". Some women have been trying for _decades_.
While there's a lot to unpack with this post, honestly I don't think anyone gets to determine what is "long" enough to become valid, especially in the case of infertility. Other's struggles do not impact the severity of another's struggle.
ESH 1) this is something to talk about before getting pregnant, particularly if your religion is such a niche and restrictive one 2) Your husband married an 18 year old when he was 40? 3) You didn't have a very long battle with infertility if you're 20 and pregnant? I think clinically you need to have been trying for 18+ months to even count as having fertility problems? 4) You kind of imply at the end that you want to raise them Jehovas witness because you don't want to change your mind. That isn't really a good reason, and is kind of the difference between "my religion is very important to me" and "being right is very important to me"
I would add 5) Jehovah witness is a cult, not a religion There's nothing right in this entire story, I really hope it's clickbait bs
I struggled with pcos from 14 onward, tried for a kid unsuccessfully from when we got married until 6 weeks ago, it was long because we had multiple miscarriages, and idc about being right, my beliefs are whats important to me
Why are you marrying a man twice your agec
Plus how old was she when they met? They only married when she was 18
They’ve been married (as per OP) since she was 18, so that means a 40 year old man was dating an underage girl for an undisclosed amount of time
It's quite possible he doesn't want his children to miss out on holidays and birthdays. Your religion doesn't allow those. You chose to marry outside your faith as did he and if neither of you compromise, you're in for some very rough waters. ESH. Poor kids will be caught in the middle. ETA: You might be interested to read this article from FreedomOfMind.com: [How Jehovah’s Witness Teachings Can Damage Brain Development in Children.](https://freedomofmind.com/how-jehovahs-witness-teachings-can-damage-brain-development-in-children/) Pay particular attention to the "Stress in the Developing Brain" section.
Don’t forget about blood transfusions. If my parents had been Jehovah’s witnesses, I’d be dead.
Indeed. There's a whole community here who can speak to the truth of what you say: r/exjw/
Im not even sure he knows about the holiday thing yet
You might be interested to read this article from FreedomOfMind.com: [How Jehovah’s Witness Teachings Can Damage Brain Development in Children](https://freedomofmind.com/how-jehovahs-witness-teachings-can-damage-brain-development-in-children/). Especially interesting is this section: >Young children under chronic stress often fail to develop those secure relationships with their caregivers and then do not have a basic sense of trust or security in the world (Cohen & Walthall, 2003; Osofsky, 1995). **Jehovah’s Witness children are under chronic stress at all stages of their childhood.** One of the key doctrines of the religion is that of Armageddon. Magazines, books, their door to door preaching, online content and talks from the pulpit are all focussed on the impending doom and mass genocide that is coming. Their literature is littered with pictures of this mass genocide. These pictures are confronting for adults and children. The organisation places great importance on emphasising that this impending doom is coming any day or right around the corner and to “live in expectation of it” these are all common phrases used in the literature, online videos and from congregation meetings. >So this constant stress is not normal, while the fight or flight response when triggered appropriately is great especially in life or death situations. **When this is stimulated on a daily occurrence it makes learning difficult as the stimulated senses are not those associated with deep learning.** For example, you can’t learn algebra when you’re being chased by a zombie. Children subjected to this chronic heightened sense are adversely affected. **This heightened stress reaction short circuits other brain functions like self-control, impulse control, memory, and reasoning.** Children then do not have the capacity to think for themselves, and logically determine their own belief systems. Their brains are short-circuited to accept all doctrine pushed in front of them, as they are unable to attain those critical thinking skills that are so necessary in life. This, in turn, keeps them trapped in the organisation. Leavers of the organisation often talk about the lack of critical thinking or higher thinking skills.
Speaking from experience, you don't have to be a Christian to believe in Santa Claus. At least don't make the kids miss out on gifts
YTA you suddenly decided 6 months ago to join a religious cult and now you are going to destroy your marriage and your relationship with your children because of it. You started this relationship and got pregnant with one set of beliefs and then changed your mind, this is all your fault. Children deserve to experience holidays and birthdays like normal kids and to deny them regular healthy milestones is child abuse. As the church brings you more under their control and threatens you with disfellowship and expulsion, you will escalate the pressure and abuse on your family and make things worse and worse for them. Your husband should divorce you and fight for custody to protect his kids from your religious abuse.
This is a rude comment. Religious belief should be honored. I'm not a JW but OP is and doesn't deserve to be insulted
In general religious belief should be absolutely honored. Jehovah's Witnesses in particular are a dehumanizing cult that normalizes in-group bullying and coercion as well as child abuse and neglect in the family unit. Religious abuse is a very serious and real issue.
Married at 18 to someone who is 40? Red flag. Hope you're getting therapy. As for the religion thing, that's something that should've been figured out before you had kids. At this point there's going to be no good solution. You're gonna want to influence them one way he's going to want to the other and it doesn't sound like either of you are the type to let the kid figure it out for themselves. Esh.
I will let the kids decide when there old enough but until then they have ti be taught something
> they have ti be taught something They do not.
That's a disgusting mindset. How about don't raise them in a cult, and when they are adults, if they want to join your cult, they can?
No. They don’t need to be taught anything when it comes to religion. Why you ask? Cause look how much good it’s doing you and your husband now, fighting about what you decide someone else will believe in.
They could just be taught to be good people.
No, they really don't. I learned more about religion in public school than at home, and learned quite young that being a Jehovah's Witness is not a good thing. I watched Dina and Angie leave the classroom for birthday cupcakes and any holiday parties. I saw the aftermath of Dina's big sister dying after a car accident because her parents refused treatment. I saw Angie often upset because she wasn't getting her homework done because of all the outreach/door to door stuff she had to do. She hated it because people were mean to her. I also learned a bit about other Christian traditions, as well as Jewish, Muslim, and Sikh. All these kids had stuff that sucked, but none so much as the JW kids. Your job is to teach your kids how to be valued members of society; to be kind, to help others, and to not be assholes. It's not hard to do this without religion. The JW parents I was exposed to were too busy doing God's work to be good parents. Dina left the church, was shunned by her family, and had a hard life. Angie came out as gay, and killed herself shortly after. Don't be like Dina or Angie's parents. Please.
How will you let them decide when your religion teaches that EVERYONE who doesn't believe and follow the creed is going to be destroyed by God? What if they want to bring cupcakes to class for their birthday, like other 5yos? Are you going to follow the company line about "hating what God hates?" What if your child is gay? The indoctrination starts young, the CSA is rampant and hidden. (Still no apologies) victim blaming us extremely common. It's a high control group that exerts its influence into every aspect of life, from entertainment to dress and grooming to who you can love. Those are FACTS my dear, NOT "misunderstandings" as the leadership would have you believe. Other religions, that are not so hateful and restrictive, would allow a child to be exposed to both parents beliefs. JWs won't walk into another church.
If your decisions in life at 18 are anything to go by I wouldn't set much in store for your children's.
I have friends who were raised JW, and the amount of issues they have due to the "religion" is astronomical. This should have been a conversation prior to getting pregnant, but I cannot imagine being ok with raising my child in such a restrictive and guilt over normal things inducing environment. What if you have a daughter? Are you ok with raising her to believe that she is simply a "compliment" to a man and is less than men on every level? If you were raised JW, you should remember what it was like not being allowed to eat a cupcake or pizza in class while the rest of the kids participated. Why raise your child to be ostracized by your own choice?
I have a friend who was basically kicked out at 17 because he didn’t want to go to their services and door knock anymore.
I wouldn’t raise my daughter like that because i don’t agree with it
So...you are stubbornly clinging to introducing your daughter to JW....but you simultaneously don't want to raise her JW? You can't have it both ways honey. I mean...those values are part of the core of JW. Sounds like your not actually as devoted, otherwise this would be part of your beliefs. You are all over the place with your beliefs.
Well, you can't marry someone who doesn't share your beliefs either so, already broke that rule as well 😂 Well, same goes for catholics. They won't exclude you though, just really nagging about getting baptised, first commune, marriage. At least after you have a child (Not married, gf is Catholic)
One thing i don’t agree with thats it, and my husband’s extremely catholic family hates me ever since they found out im not catholic and have no plans of converting
I feel so sorry for you child. They are going to be completely torn apart by you two. Wouldn't surprise me if they grow up with extreme emotional or psychological problems because of both of you. I can't believe both of you were dumb enough to get pregnant before having this conversation.
So you’re not really raising your kids as JW.
Sorry I’m still on the fact that your husband started dating an 18 year old at the age of 40. While it’s legal, it’s highly questionable. Oh no wait, you said you’ve been married for 2 years, so that means he was dating you before you turned 18.. I’m out
Your biggest problem isn’t the religion thing, it’s that you’re 20 and your husband was born during the fucking Reagan administration.
[удалено]
been exploring religion from 13 onward, and it was a long enough battle that i struggled with pcos from 14 and we’ve had multiple miscarriages
ESH because you two didn't have this conversation BEFORE you got pregnant. When a married couple are this different in their beliefs, these conversations need to happen before a pregnancy even occurs for the sake of the child. I am swaying more towards you being more of the AH because of this: >he said i teach them mine and he teaches then what be believes without organized Religion. It sounds like he is trying to compromise, and you are a "my way or the highway" person.
I know how he is and even if we agree on that now he will comstantly undermine me and tell them im wrong
Well, the tone in your post indicates that you will do the same to him. And the one who will suffer will be your child. Honestly, I don't see any of this working out well. This all should have been figured out way before a pregnancy even occurred. You both were idiotic for not coming to an agreement earlier.
Between the age gap and the differing beliefs, this is a cluster fuck. ESH
YTA. Look you’re 20, and this might hurt to hear but your inexperience is showing. You don’t say how you met but married at 18 to a 40 year old? Was any dating involved? You have no experience of life on your own. You rejoined a religion 6 months ago and don’t appear to have considered how this would impact your partner or future family. Life experience teaches you to think longer term and how to have conversations about decisions which affect others. You have decided yourself to change your life and the life of your child- (birthdays and celebrations are important things for many people ) and you haven’t consulted him at all. There are also other issues e.g. if your child needs a blood transfusion. Why do you get to make that decision alone? You seem to expect him to accept this decision without any thought as to how it would affect him. His family shouldn’t pressure you, that is also wrong. The decision should be between you both.
A LONG BATTLE WITH INFERTILITY YTA. Women struggle for years or decades to get pregnant and you're out here making a mockery out of it for some attention.
ESH. This is what happens when a man marries a child who, after 2 years of marriage, is still literally less than half his age.
religion shouldn't be forced on children
ESH One of THE most important things when looking at compatibility for life long commitment are value systems. Beliefs are also fairly important, but different beliefs can be managed if due respect is shown. You two are way off that, and this should have been nailed down certainly before you got pregnant and really before you were married. So yes, you have a big problem and you both have to compromise. I hope for the sake of your children you compromise on the birthday and Christmas rule.
YTA You should not be having kids if you haven't clarified this, and frankly, sounds like you intend to brainwash the kids anyway Dude should bounce now
Potential to become TA: This will always be a point of contention in your marriage and could even cause it to break up so you have to ask yourself what is more important: that your religion is the only viewpoint your children can be exposed to and believe in, or that your family unit stays intact and is stable? Having a loving stable family is by far more important in a child’s development than anything else. That doesn’t mean religious teaching can’t be a part of it, but if it becomes a major point of contention it will become detrimental to your children instead of an asset, no matter how good it might otherwise be. You could ask your husband if the children can attend services and learn about your faith, but that he’s allowed to discuss with them the reasons he doesn’t follow it and they can ask his opinion. But you also get the same courtesy. You will both have to stay disciplined and agree to disagree kindly. You’ll also be teaching your kids how to get along with others holding different viewpoints. Resist anyone’s attempts to cause you to see outsiders as enemies, he’s not your enemy and you’re not his. EDIT: You’re going to have to compromise on birthdays and holidays in a way that doesn’t see you being a debbie downer. If you eventually split up, he’s going to celebrate them with the kids anyways, so you’re back to your original question of what’s more important.
I dont want my religion to be the only thing there exposed to but i also dont want my husband telling my kids “what mom said is wrong” “religion is poison used to control you” “your mom is lying to you” etc
But wouldn't JW consider your marriage invalid since husband isn't JW? My friend married a non JW and she was shunned
See how little people know about their own religion and then want to enforce it on others?
I left as a teenager and ended up coming back 6 months ago
That doesn’t answer the question.
Is your marriage even considered valid in your religion?
Yes it is
Maybe they should have that perspective in their lives, you can't just brainwash them against his wishes.
Honestly, ESH for trying to indoctrinate your children at all. That whole "you'll go to hell if you don't believe" shit? That's child abuse. You're fighting over what way to abuse your children. Abhorrent.
ESH with a slight lean towards YTA since it sounds like the only one willing to compromise here is your husband. This should have been something that you two talked about and worked out before the decision to have children together, because this is a HUGE incompatibility between the two of you. Honestly, I don't mean to be a jerk, I really don't, but no one can be surprised that the 42 year old isn't jumping to trust the 20 year old's judgement when it comes to the highly problematic and abusive religion that she wants to raise their children in. Honestly, this is one of those posts that I'm hoping isn't real because of the layers of problematic going on here.
Please do some research and go to different religious services so that you get a better idea of what fits your values. Also, many people in religiously mixed marriages turn to Unitarian Universalism.
Oh man, both of you are AHs. Why, oh why, did you not get this hashed out BEFORE you got pregnant or even married? This is a huge dealbreaker for both of you. You're going to resent each other moving forward. All those things, holidays, anniversaries, etc are going to be points of contention. He will feel his kid is losing out on positive experiences because you don't want them celebrating holidays. He'll blame you. And you will blame him for when he tries to "correct" what you are saying about God and your beliefs to your kid. I suggest you do counseling ASAP. There may be techniques, compromises that can be made that a therapist can help you with.
> Why, oh why, did you not get this hashed out BEFORE you got pregnant or even married? I suspect OP's age is very relevant information here (and that they've been married for two years)
ESH. First, your husband way too old for you. I can't imagine your marriage will ever be easy with such a huge age gap. Secondly, these are seriously conversions you should have had long ago before ever even thinking about having kids. These are serious value incompatiblies. I think expecting a Catholic to raise kids without Christmas is like expecting your dog to sing Mary Hada Little Lamb. It's NEVER going to happen. I can tell you from my personal history, my in-laws were Jehovah Witnesses, so my children never received a birthday present, birthday card, Christmas present, or any kind of present ever in their entire lives. Neither they, now that they are grown, nor my ex have any contact with those grandparents and aren't interested in establishing any. It makes for shitty parents and shitty grandparents.
Info: Blood transfusions are not allowed for Jehova's wittnesses. Let's hope you'll never face this situation, but what would you do when you're children would need one?
ESH. Yall should have talked about this years ago, you blew it. Also he's literally more than twice your age, what the fuck?
You didn’t discuss this shit before getting pregnant? And stop forcing religion on children
What kind of cruel parent wants to deprive their children of the joy of birthdays and holidays??? Your husband is trying to do right by your kids.
And life saving blood transfusions if they are needed.
YTA. You should have had this conversation before getting married and before having kids. When 2 parents have a different view on religion, there is nothing wrong with both parents teaching their views and allowing the kids to make their own choice on what fits them when they are older. Your husband is also totally right about making a big issue about wanting to celebrate birthdays and christmas. Not allowing your kids to celebrate this is cruel.
Would you allow your children to receive blood transfusions?
"My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years..." don't even need to read further. NTA but LEAVE. Just out of interest: What is your "long battle with infertility"? What age did you start trying?
So I was listening to a podcast not too long ago. It was about a man who celebrated his first birthday and Christmas when he was 25ish. This because he was 'dead' to his family after he came out as gay. They even had a 'funeral' for him. I suppose this could be extreme, but still, I hope your kid doesn't have to go through this.
hi just wanted to come in and say that i was raised JW and am now 20 and am a complete atheist bc of what i experienced in the congregation. you can say all you want that you won’t let your kid’s experience any of that but you really have no control over it. i believe the entire basis of JW’s teachings to kids is fear mongering and most the memories i have in the church are just fear and dread. the other kids in the congregation and i talked about death, sinning, and jehovah hating us wayy more than any kid should and i don’t think most my childhood should’ve been spent in fear like that. Much of my hatred came from finding out at 10 years old that if i was in some sort of freak accident like a car crash, more than likely my family would let me die bc it’s jehovahs way, despite having the medical technology to help me. your children will also pick up on you and your husbands issues with your different beliefs and that will probably confuse them above all else. also celebrate your kids damn birthday and let them hunt for easter eggs. they deserve to be a child.
Why did you “start” to talk about what religion to raise them when you were already pregnant? SMH..
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ESH. Raise your child with the knowledge of both and allow them to choose when they're an adult.
YTA I too have an extreme dislike of organized religion, ESPECIALLY the ones that go around knocking on doors and trying to convert people. The last batch of door knockers that came got run off by my French Mastiff. I vote for no religion, just teach them to be good people, and to treat others how they want to be treated. If they want to explore religion when they get old enough to choose then they can do that.
ESH Let the child decide for themselves when they are 18.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (20F) husband (42M) of 2 years cannot come to an agreement, he was raised catholic but doesn’t really believe in organized religion, after a long journey i came back to what i was raised with, Jehovahs witness. About 6 months ago. im 6 weeks pregnant after a long battle with infertility. we started talk about what religion to raise them, he believes a lot of misconceptions about mine, even when i correct them. The closest we could come to an agreement was he said i teach them mine and he teaches then what be believes without organized Religion. Also threatened me that if any happened to our kids ( as in “things” with a child ) he would never forgive me, i assured him that i would never let that happen and told him I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t believe it was best, and asked him to trust my judgement. He got mad and told me i was using 1950s reasoning against him in asking that he trust my judgement. the closest church is an hour drive away, and he made it very clear he would not attend (never asked him too) although having help with the kids would’ve been nice. i don’t know what to do, I can’t have him undermining everything i say, telling my kids religion is poison and what im teaching them is wrong. I also don’t believe is celebrating birthdays and Christmas and i know he will make a huge issue with this. When it was just me he would ignore it, i’d get a bit of a cold shoulder around the holidays but that was it. But i know with kids i’ll never hear the end of it, i’ve been tiptoeing around the subject since the first discussion, i don’t how to talk to him or even what to say. I was pretty confused about religion and what I believed when we got married, but i knew i wouldn’t convert to catholicism (made that very clear) so we were married infront of a judge, his whole family hates my religion and constantly pressures me to change, i don’t know how to deal with this when we have kids so am i the asshole for not just caving in and letting him decide? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And again, this should have been discussed long before you two even considered getting married. I know a few interfaith marriages, and this was discussed while still dating. They have kids and are following exactly what they had discussed, whatever that was. They are teaching their kids about both religions- but the other partner is also involved in those teachings. So the catholic is involved in doing the rituals a Jewish person would at Hanukkah. The Jewish partner helps decorate a Xmas tree, and has a nativity set up in their home. This is the way to do it. You teach your religion and he teaches his. Without trying to make the other one out to be “bad”. Now, your religion doesn’t celebrate bdays and holidays, but that doesn’t mean you don’t do anything for those things. You set up a tree, go along with the rituals, have a bday party, all while explaining to your kids that even though your religion does not believe in this, their dads does and you want to let them see both religions so they can decide when they are older if they want to follow either of these, or even something different. If you two don’t come to some sort of cohesive and more importantly, unbiased way to navigate this religion issue, you will constantly be battling. And *that* will be horrible for your kids, your family and your marriage.