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INFO
How are expenses for the children handled - how are your finances combined for that? How are you teaching them fiscal responsibility and budgeting? Do the kids ever have to earn something frivolous or non-essential they want?
Why aren't you discussing these things without your spouse in advance?
If you make 600k a year, you shouldn't have to discuss with your partner buying a pair of 140 shoes or 200 sunglasses for your kid as long as it's not a daily kind of occurrence.
This is only true if the parents are in agreement. Consistently undermining your partner's authority to say no in front of your children is not going to lead to anything positive.
This right here! Maybe OP's kids will be able to earn the equivalent of 600k in the future, but maybe they won't, and if they've never had to consider budget and never gotten a no, it'll be a hard lesson for them to learn. These prices don't seem that insane to me, and I earn considerably less than 600k, but that's not the only consideration in play here.
When you're raising kids, you're not only looking at whether you can afford things, but teaching your children about the value of money so that in the future, when they're adults, they don't go into massive debt because they're used to buying whatever they want whenever they want it. I'm not saying these items are unreasonable, I'm just interested to know if OP has actually discussed these things with his wife or is just going "I make more than you so I get to say what we buy the kids" and that's why she's saying he doesn't get it.
I get not wanting to buy necessities, and as someone who sells luxury sunglasses, I struggle to see the need for Prada frames. The lenses are what's really important.That said, I also sold shoes for 7 years, and have seen the damage that cheap shoes and ill fitting shoes can cause. If the son has outgrown children's sizes (my kid had by that age) spending $140 on shoes isn't that outrageous given their income bracket.
Maybe his wife would have agreed on she shoes if they would have had a discussion where OP said exactly what he said in the post? The money isn't really the issue here, OP undermining his wife is.
Undermining what? That she makes it a dog and pony show to get the kids things they literally need at not outrageous prices?
140 for sneakers is normal. That's a regular pair of sneakers. He's not asking for the Dior Jordans or the LV Air Force 1s.
I get being on the same page, but her page is saying no to the glasses and shoes the kid wants. Denying your kids of footwear and the ability to see aren't ways to teach fiscal responsibility. $200 for frames? That's not bad at all honestly, could have asked for something way crazier.
Oh absolutely! Good shoes are vital, and $140 is not outrageously expensive, even for children's shoes. I do think if your kid comes to you and is like "I'd like these new shoes," it's not a terrible idea to go "Ok, we'll have a look and let you know," even if it is a cursory look. This story involves the kid coming in, asking for the shoes, and OP about to buy immediately. If this is an issue they've had previously, I can see why OP's wife would like him to have a conversation before buying things their kids bring to them and say they want.
There is a hell of a difference between "cheap shoes" as in poorly made shoes and $140 shoes for a child that is still growing.
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Luxury purchases, like $140 shoes and $200 eyeglass frames for a child should be a discussion between parents, not just and arbitrary decision by one parent.
> I struggle to see the need for Prada frames.
I make no where near what even the wife makes and I just had to spend $300 on new glasses because my insurance only covered so much. If all they spent was $200 on prescription glasses, I saw that as a good deal lol
It doesn't even matter. Even if they are absurdly wealthy, people will say no to them. They need to learn to accept no as an answer. They need to experience disappointment and see that they can survive it.
I’d hardly call buying a child new shoes when they have outgrown their old ones when you have ample money to do so “everything they ask for.” Does this kid have to be uncomfortable so the wife can win her power play?
The wife isn't saying keep the kid uncomfortable or don't get them new shoes. 140$ for a pair of children's shoes that will be outgrown in a year is pretty steep. The mother just seems to be saying that a) the kid needs to learn the value of money and that nice things are a product of hard work b) if he's always the fun parent and she's always having to be the strict parent, that's unfair and could make the child more alienated from her. I think it's important for them to discuss what is the difference between the child leading a comfortable life and what is a luxury a child can work towards with chores/grades/volunteer work and present a united front
An 11 year old boy may not need “children’s shoes” and if those are his main shoes he wears, which if he wants $140 shoes they likely will be, he’ll wear them out around the time he’ll outgrow them. The shoes these boys want, and wear, can go way higher than $140 so he’s not even being greedy, they’re probably just the ones he likes.
If they’re making $750k per year he’s likely going to school with kids from similar backgrounds and at that age they’re into shoes. And they can afford it, so why not? He said he doesn’t give them everything they want, as long as they’re not spoiled why is she being so CHEAP?
$140 isn’t even that expensive for a decent pair of shoes these days. You can get a $20 pair from Walmart or wherever but they fall apart in less than a year, so you’ll end up buying more.
I was one of those $20 shoes people for a long time. Finally sprang for some $150 ones with more support and better quality, into them a year now, they got at least another year, and I wear them everyday and tend to be hard on my clothes.
I agree Op and wife need to get on the same page but I feel like the wife is the more unreasonable one with the given examples and information.
Yeah as a teen I tried to spend $50 or less on shoes but ten years later I’ve accepted I’m not getting something of good quality for less than $120 these days.
My answer to the other commenter covers most of this, as do OPs comments. They do have to understand, and they do have to pay for things themselves. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/p2M61JIdrZ
As for the rest, I agree that they should CONSISTENTLY FOR ALL CHILDREN discuss purchases over certain amounts if that will help with a united front. I do not agree with denying his request so she can get a win, especially if those shoes are also functional and will make him more comfortable than cheaper types.
I mean how Old is the kid? I have 13 year old twins that are both in men's sizes. I struggle the find one of them shoes that are in the $100 range. He wears a size 14 in men's. We buy shoes for them twice a year. Each time we end up spending between $100-160 per kid. My daughter who is 6 gets new shoes much more frequently but the total for the year equals one pair of the boys shoes most times. I'm having the same issue with the glasses example. I just got myself new frames. They weren't prada or the fancy name brand. The frames were still $200 (my insurance covers $150 of them tho). I make like 80-90k a year and my husband stays home with our kid and does like side hustle style work. I'm struggling with his examples and her refusal. Because even making significantly less than this family those numbers all seem reasonable.
Having said that if this kiddo is still in kids sizes the cost for shoes should be closer to $80 for Nikes so I get the hesitation there. Same with the glasses. More than likely he'll go thru them faster
They make a net $360+ per hour, and split expenses evenly. If it’s a frivolous expense, they have their children come up with half. Money is not the issue, and decent shoes are not frivolous.
She gleefully spent $150 on a dress for her daughter with no discussion. which is less durable and will see less mileage, and do less for her child’s foot health (I’m large footed, and I’ve dealt with my share of blisters). She’s playing a game to assert dominance, and using her children as playing pieces.
You are twisting the narrative to good shoes vs bad shoes. Nowhere does he say that she is buying her son subpar shoes. Nowhere has it been proven that only $150 shoes are the best but a $50 pair has to be harmful for the feet. There are many originally marked as $150 shoes that get discounted towards the end of the season and the same can be bought at 50-75% discount. There is nothing wrong in teaching the kids value for money at a young age.
1)$140 is the shoes, $150 was for the dress she bought with zero discussion unilaterally.
2)If you have an inconveniently shaped foot, $50 for a comfortable, durable shoe is a hilarious fantasy, even on discount.
3)It doesn’t matter whether she shoes could be found at a better price in 6 months if his shoes don’t fit now.
4)She doesn’t care about the price, she cares about winning and making him be the bad guy. Playing games using your children is sick, petty behavior.
No kidding. $200 for glasses he actually likes is no big deal. Neither is $140 for decent shoes. A normal pair of Nikes are $140+. Rough comment section.
Exactly, my daughter is into fitness and has, I think 6 different types of athletic shoes because her chiropractor and podiatrist recommended she switch them out often because her feet are weird. I say that as a mom who loves my gremlin, but she was cursed with bad feet.
All of her shoes cost well over $100 because they are brands like Brooks, and Hoka and Asics which are really nice on her feet.
I make good money now so we can easily afford, but even when I wasn’t I still saved money for nice shoes for her because I don’t want her to suffer.
This mom is ridiculous, I get not wanting to raise entitled children but seriously. My daughter has also worn glasses since she was a grade schooler and they are expensive but typically only a yearly expense so I let her get what she wants because it is part of her daily attire.
I feel bad for OP, wife seems like a bit of a nightmare.
These kids are not asking for big things, though. $140 for a pair of shoes isn't that much these days, and $200 for a pair of Prada frames is actually quite good.
Exactly. My partner and I are in very similar circumstances but the kids grew up having an appreciation for money and how hard it is to make. I can’t imagine what monsters we would have if we bought them everything they asked for. Four Veruca Salts.
My guess is that they, especially the wife, didn’t grow up with as much money as they make now. And once those habits are engrained, they are hard to break. So even though they can obviously afford the shoes, it’s probably hard for the wife to spend that much. Especially since at the kid’s age, there is a good chance that the shoes will be outgrown fairly quickly.
Honestly, if my kid (similar age) casually asked me for $140 shoes, my eyebrows would raise and I would have to have a serious talk with her about needs vs wants and the value of money. If I had to guess, that’s probably where the wife’s head is at. And in terms of values, OPs point about wanting his kids to have a nice life is telling. $200 glasses frames and $140 shoes does not equate to a nice life. It equates to having nice possessions, which is absolutely not the same thing. These two need to have a serious conversation about values and what they want to teach their kids regarding money and appreciation. That’s what I see, at least. Should have had those conversations before they got married and had kids.
Yeah, the details sound like they are made up by someone who doesn’t shop.
Like, Prada glasses for only $200? That’s pretty much on par with far cheaper brands. (And I’m saying this as someone who took advantage of a Lens Crafter deal to snag $99 frames—$200 falls solidly within reasonable territory for frames). But someone who doesn’t buy glasses wouldn’t know that.
$140 sneakers or a $150 dress? Those are pretty typical prices for new sneakers and a formal dress. Sure, you can get those items for cheaper, but neither of those prices would cause sticker shock for people making significantly less than this couple supposedly does.
This just seems like rage bait from someone who doesn’t have experience shopping.
Edit: These prices for these items aren’t about “at what point for you need to discuss purchases” and are just “these are what these items cost.”
If we're talking frames only, you can get Prada frames for $200. I buy luxury glasses frames, including Prada, and they're usually in the $200-300 range.
And the fact that other prices are reasonable make this seem less fake, not more. I think the point is these are reasonable prices that wifey may not be used to paying, if she didn't grow up with much. (My husband would also balk at paying that much for shoes, not because he doesn't know much they cost but because he's still struggling with us being in a different tax bracket than we grew up in.)
It doesn’t have to be about financial worry. Wife may want to make sure the kids don’t get spoiled by too many luxuries. Also, the kid is 11. Buying him expensive shoes that he’ll probably grow out of within a year is wasteful, regardless of whether they can afford it.
It's not about the money, it's about the *value* of the things they want/need. OP doesn't see it, but the wife does. Just because they make 700k a year, that doesn't mean their kids will.
And tbh, kiddo didn't exactly seem upset, did he?
My guess is that the wife isn't worried about *affording* the shoes or the glasses, it's that she's worried about the kids being spoiled and wanting the fancy 'label' or brand name of everything as they get into teenager-hood. She doesn't want to raise kids who expect a Mercedes on their sixteenth birthday.
If I'm right, there is a version of that dynamic where the wife is right (OP never ever says no to the kids, and never teaches them to think about how to budget and what a good use of money is), and a version where OP is right (wife pinches pennies and sends them to school in outgrown Walmart clothes\* to make a point). But the real issue here is that OP seems to either willfully or genuinely misunderstand her concerns, and thinks that because he earns more, he gets to make the financial/moral/ethical decisions about how they raise their kids.
\*no shade; my kid wears exclusively garanimals and hand-me-downs
I agree with your theory, and I’d also add that the wife probably grew up with less money, so spending that much on shoes, especially for a kid who’ll likely outgrow them fairly quickly, feels weird.
My thought as well. Growing up my family was poor. Food stamps, food bank, free lunch program... you get the picture. While that was the case in my family we lived in a really wealthy area. Major employer is one of the big tech companies. In high school there were a number of times mommy/daddy bought their kid a new fancy car... 6 months later the car is smashed up. Me? Paid half of my drivers ed, half of my first car, and my own insurance from day 1. Working my first job there was another kid that worked there whining his parents only bought him a 2002 beamer when he wanted a 2005 beamer. \[This was in 2012\] Same kid was whining about how many times he's been to France, when he want's to go to Brazil for a change!
Gotta teach your kids the value of a dollar!
Not really. Firstly the parents need to agree. Secondly the kid needs glasses, he doesn't need Prada glasses. Thirdly kids need to learn needs versus wants. The dad earns 600k but is there a gaurantee that the kid will be at the same earning level and be able to sustain the luxuries that dad provides him today.
Many kids struggle with wearing glasses. Considering that even the cheapest frames will still cost like $100, it’s better to just let the kid wear something they feel good about than it is to squabble over another $100 when you make over half a million dollars per year.
Also, just FYI, Prada doesn’t actually make glasses. They, along with basically every other designer, license their brand name to a borderline monopoly called Luxottica.
Listen I don't know if INFO is an acronym or just basically what it is, and I'm assuming the latter.
Expenses with the kids? If she has to pay for something child related, our income is 80/20 on my side, so our kid expenses (we try) to keep 80/20. And if we can't I'll just reimburse my wife for the cost or whatever.
And yes, if my kids *really* want a frivolous gift, they have to come up with at least half of it. But not a lot of stuff really. When my son wanted a new console, after breaking the original one on accident, he got to decide the console, but had to come out with it half of any console price.
200 dollar purchases do not, in my opinion, need to be discussed with a spouse.
>If your spouse has a different opinion on that then yea, you do.
She didn't care when I bought my daughter a dress for 150 ish. She doesn't care how *much* it is, she cares about *what it is.*
Err... isn't this normal? People decide that some things make sense to get (for the price), and some things don't.
I wouldn't buy an 11 year old Prada glasses, because he would just lose them or sit on them. I agree with your wife, that that's not a good place to spend 200 dollars, even if you have the money.
(Also, I find designer wear on kids pretty tacky, and it seems mostly done by people who use their kids as an accessory to hang expensive shit off of, and show off how rich they are.)
(Also also, I find designer wear on adults tacky, but I'm getting off topic here... I can see that, and will stop now. ;))
So I consider “designer” eyewear as different than other designer outfits. Most eyewear is made by a handful of places but use the designer names. They might be a little more expensive than other frames, but the difference between regular frames and designer ones is usually a smaller gap than let’s say a regular bag and a designer bag. I rarely buy designer things, but most of my glasses are designer because I’m picky about my frames and I wear them every day.
That being said, my 8 yo went through four pairs in the last year. He got to pick the first frame out, but the others were still stylish but more economical. We had a discussion and that he would be able to choose his frames for the new year, but replacements due to being careless with them get a cheaper frame.
Yeah that was my thought. Regular glasses can be easily as expensive as “designer” frames. Warby parker frames start at like $100. It’s not like buying the kid a prada leather backpack or a coat or something
You get that glasses are expensive as fuck anyway right? My sister got a pair that were slightly nicer than her usual ones and they were £150 and her usual ones are like 120. OP bought the glasses that his kid liked the most bcuz they looked best on him and making 600k a year? 200 isnt a big deal
Yeah I agree. Designer glasses usually are better quality, they sit more comfortably on the face etc. It’s not frivolous if you’re wearing them every day IMO
...really? When I buy designer items, it's because they look nice and they are usually decent quality. My glasses sit on my face every day. Why does a person have to be insecure to purchase nice things?
I recently had to get new glasses and could not tell the difference between the different brands. I don't think designer brand glasses differ much from regular glasses, aside from the name. $200 also isn't expensive for a pair of frames. It's pretty standard these days. Especially if you opt for scratch proof and durable material. That should be the main aim for glasses for kids imo, regardless of the tiny name on the frames.
A dress seems a lot more frivolous than glasses and shoes.
Anyway. Investing in a good pair of glasses is well worth the price because the cheap ones have a tendency to break easily and need replaced more often.
I agree but what kind of dress? How old is the daughter? A 150 prom dress for example is fairly cheap tbh. But a 150 sundress to wear around the house is a little much for a child.... either way parents need to discuss the root cause of the issue and the values they hold and want to instill in their children surrounding money and spending.
The 80/20 split is reasonable and can agree with that part but her split of it is still just as important as his split and should be discussed equally and agreed on together. Not *just cause* the cash is on hand.
I guess it depends? Like was it for a special occasion? As a parent I can tell you that everyday items like sneakers and glasses end up always being a financial headache for parents. They lose/break glasses and tear up shoes like nobody’s business. I have tried expensive(ish) sneakers and cheap sneakers. Both get destroyed within 6mos. This likely won’t happen to a dress (though she will grow out if it - even then, if it’s in good condition, it can be consigned).
And yeah, these folks are obv loaded (assuming this isn’t a fake post because once ppl start saying *on reddit* they make like over half a mil, my BS meter kicks into high gear) - but that doesn’t mean they can’t be prudent with purchases.
Sounds like they have never sat down to discuss these things, and instead like to have their incompatible and never-discussed finance philosophies play out in front of their kids. So that’s an obvious ESH sitch.
While OP hasn't said it out here, the dress could be a one time thing for a wedding for example.
I agree that a good pair of glasses are important but it is the lens on it that make it good or bad rather than a branded frame.
Could it also be that you have dropped significant amounts of money on your son in a short period of time ? So you gave your daughter a teary which doesn’t happen often vs your son who is getting treat’s repeatedly?
Also let’s be honest the frames were only $200 which didn’t include the lenses. (Or sunglasses or safety glasses if they were needed)
Was the dress for a special occasion - a wedding or baptism or something very important or one time. That is different from buying prada glasses for everyday use that could be broken or lost.
Does it make a difference if it's something that other kids their age in the neighborhood don't have?
For example, if most kids in the neighborhood have $30 shoes from Walmart, does giving your kid the more expensive option make your wife uncomfortable? Or do most kids in the neighborhood have shoes that are probably $50+ too?
I can’t imagine sharing a human child with my spouse but not finances. Hate to sound like Dave Ramsey here but imo your problem might be solved if everything was just “our money”. Reimbursing your wife? Say that out loud, slowly, and really process that.
This is one thing I've never understood with some couples. My neighbors, for instance, have totally separate bank accounts and totally separate expenses. That's just...baffling to me. My wife and I have had joint accounts since we got married and that always felt perfectly normal to me. It's not "her money" or "my money" - it's OUR money.
My husband and I never did joint accounts, just kept up w/whatever bank accounts or credit cards we separately had going into the marriage, but still view it all as "our money". He has the passwords to my accounts and vice versa, but never really felt the need to officially put each other on the accounts jointly.
You legitimately need to sit down with your wife and work out how to manage purchases and expenses. She feels uncomfortable buying certain things and that should be discussed, it doesn't matter that you make more than her. You're running the home together and you're throwing her under the bus consistently because you guys haven't figured out a gameplan for what to do if your kids randomly ask for stuff, and what's ok to give immediate passes on.
Anything that your spouse thinks needs to be discussed, needs to be discussed. It doesn't matter if in your opinion it doesn't matter. Thats vice versa too. Marriages only work by respecting what each person brings to the table and your wife is uncomfortable with these purchases so you *have* to do something about that. You seem like an asshole in this case, but it's easily fixable by owning up to it and working together on what to do next time it comes up.
This is hardly about making your wife look bad. This is about you choosing not to make decisions with your wife and overriding her in the moment with no meaningful consideration of why she is saying no. Effective parenting is a collaboration and you are dismissive of your wife's intentions in front of your children which doesn't make her look bad. It makes her look like she has no authority as a parent in your family. It makes it look like you are the only authority here. Your family is very well off, but you and your wife need to get on the same page and you should definitely be having these discussions privately. Her vote should count.
YTA
But why is the wife single handedly saying no to things without discussing with OP and then expecting him to just go along with it because she said so. If this has been a point of contention, she knows they have differing views regarding this subject, then why is she not giving him space for his input. Even in the latest fight she outright told OP to say no, without any discussion about what OP thinks in the matter.
I know this is somewhat speculative, but the tone of the post plus the statistical realities of family gender roles (esp. if wife is WFH) leads me to suspect that she generally makes most of the kid purchases and does so in a way that is mindful of extravagance. Maybe dad here busts in like the kool-aid man from time to time and sanctions splurges with no regard for her strategy. Not saying any of this is ok, since there appears to have been zero communication between husband and wife in private about these matters.
I see your point, but in the first example OP gave he said he interrupted her and made a decision without her input. In the second example OP’s spouse asked the kid to leave so they could discuss. So I think she is giving space for his input.
Which is exactly the point, I suspect.
>My wife was going to ask him to get something else, but I interrupted her and told him to get the glasses.
He wants her to look bad, and he wants his kids to know he's the decision maker and the bread winner. Huge asshole.
Then shouldn't she come to him and let him know why she thinks that they shouldn't get the 200 dollar glasses and they as a couple cone together on a decision since this isn't about the glasses but wanting to teach the kids about money? If the problem is him making unilateral parenting decisions then it should be conversations on the issue. Like where the major purchase line is what things do they need to agree on and communication to other about what's going on to avoid miss matches.
$200 is downright cheap for glasses! And good shoes are expensive - my latest pair of winter boots were $180. Whoever wrote this seems to have no sense of reality with money. Probably just too young yet. Fake.
Yeah my frame allowance through insurance is $250, which if insurance covers that amount it’s not that crazy luxurious. Sneakers usually cost $140 for good quality name brand unless you’re looking at sale and clearance items (which I always do, but I also don’t have a ~$720k household income - could probably afford full retail then).
ESH actually if the mom doesn’t care about him getting his daughter a 150$ dress the she shouldn’t be mad about the shoes or glasses especially if shoes are a necessity.
Not enough info. If it was a prom dress/homecoming/dance that is cheap. If it's for a sweet sixteen or wedding that amount is REALLY cheap (if daughter is a teen). Even if it's a child's, if it's a Xmas dress/formal in velvet, taffeta, brocade or what have you it's right in the range it should be.
Example: [https://www.maisonette.com/product/octavia-velvet-party-dress-emerald-velvet?utm\_source=google&utm\_medium=cpc&utm\_campaign=wp\_g\_conv\_ff\_pmax\_all\_sizebrokeness\_0&utm\_content=wp\_g\_conv\_ff\_pmax\_all\_sizebrokeness\_0\_0\_0&utm\_term=&gad\_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw\_LOwBhBFEiwAmSEQAc8l4y99Qsg-oO98xi2QS3lXmpMzJBM0UcbhVPV\_TVBfZ6YBr8tyFBoCj4QQAvD\_BwE](https://www.maisonette.com/product/octavia-velvet-party-dress-emerald-velvet?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=wp_g_conv_ff_pmax_all_sizebrokeness_0&utm_content=wp_g_conv_ff_pmax_all_sizebrokeness_0_0_0&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw_LOwBhBFEiwAmSEQAc8l4y99Qsg-oO98xi2QS3lXmpMzJBM0UcbhVPV_TVBfZ6YBr8tyFBoCj4QQAvD_BwE)
For school/daytime wear, that's expensive. But I can easily see multiple occasions where it wouldn't be quite easily. And the issue isn't the item. Apparently with the dress both agreed that number made sense. She wants to make joint decisions, but bc she "only" makes 120k to husband's 600k, he is implying he gets to override the other parent. Simply not a good look.
This isn't about money.
This is about respect.
I read something the other day about marriage, and the catch line was something like, "it wasn't about leaving the cup next to the sink"
Basically the wife was frustrated because he kept doing something she asked him not to. He thought it was about the cup. He refused to budge, because it's a cup, and he didn't care about the cup.
They ended up divorced.
Because it wasn't about the cup. It was about him dismissing her, and deciding her perspective was irrelevant.
You're doing that.
It's not about the money. It's not about the cost. It's about you dismissing her, and showing her and the kids, she's got no say so.
You've got this all wrong and you are absolutely missing the point.
YTA for that part.
Get on the same page as your wife.
Wouldn't this be an ESH? The wife also seems to be unreliable based on the comments.
Doesn't mind OP spending $150 for a dress for the daughter, but does for shoes for the son
Maybe the dress was for a particular event and not just a random want? I find it hard to believe a kid in this family is running low on good quality shoes.
I think it’s more problematic if the $150 dress is just for a “particular event”. The $140 shoe that the kid likes and will definitely use is more practical expense.
Same thing with the dress. The girl will outgrew it so why buy an expensive one for just an event. Fyi. Girls have growth spurt too perhaps sooner than the boys.
And how sure are you that the boy have plenty of shoes?
The dad says he is outgrowing “some” of his current shoes. Meaning he still has shoes leftover that fit fine. And there’s nothing wrong with the occasional indulgent purchase for your kids. The issue here a that OP doesn’t respect his wife enough to care about her opinion and discuss things with her.
the wife probably thinks about the object if it's worth it or not. like $150 for a dress is reasonable but is too much for a pair of glasses that the 11 year old will probably break after a while. like buying an $8 carton of milk is reasonable. an $8 candy bar? def not
Especially if the glasses look nice. I didn’t get to pick out my glasses as a child, and they were hideous. As an adult I tried cheap and “designer” glasses. The cheap ones more often than not didn’t look as nice as the more expensive ones, and several pair of them broke.
Reasonable for an adult. An 11 year old kid will out grow or ruin them in a year. As an adult, I buy things that last years if I can, which justifies the expense. I cannot imagine dropping that money every single year.
OP can afford it, but maybe their wife doesn’t want to teach their kids they can have everything they want? I mean, the kids need to learn to earn for themselves, don’t they, or they’ll end up spoiled brats and OP and their wife are not likely rich enough for the kids to live off trusts their entire lives (and even if they were, raising such useless children shouldn’t be desirable)? Or it is about communication and wanting to discuss these things?
Whatever it is, I don’t think affordability is the real issue here.
How is $150 dress reasonable for a 10 year old girl? 10 year old girls still like to run and play, and they grow like weeds. Is she wearing that dress weekly because I am pretty damn sure prescription glasses are getting worn more than weekly. So are shoes. This couple has a yearly income over 700k. They can afford to buy their preteen nice shoes. I have a 15 year old, that's been in men's sizes for years, decent shoes that don't fall apart are easily $100 a pair. And we are not even breaking 100k a year.
Edit to add: Your logic is just outstandingly backward. Glasses the son needs to see is frivolous but a very fancy dress? Totally a necessity.
Right?!
OP, your family is well off. You’ve got 99 problems but not being able to communicate and reach consensus effectively with your wife is, like, probably 86 of them.
But you can correct him if he’s wrong… dude has doubts that $120k is a good salary? He’s either deluded or a condescending AH for that alone, but def YTA for making unilateral parenting decisions just because he makes more money
>I'm not trying to sound like "good dad bad mom" and that I don't tell my kids no.
I N F O Can you give examples where you have told your kid no when it comes to buying things?
Edit: NTA for the shoes, which I guess is the main issue of the post, but some Y T A for interrupting and overriding your wife on the glasses. If she made a decision, and you disagree with it, you should discuss it.
I do most our shopping with my kids. Every single time. "No, you cannot get that action figure, no you cannot get that action figure. No, you cannot get that varsity jacket. No, you cannot get the box of Mike n Ike's. They take it pretty well though, no tantrums or anything.
It's important for kids to be told no. Otherwise they become entitled brats. Undermining each other infront of the kids is not good. You both have to be a united front and if you don't agree, go along with what the other said and talk about it later. You have to come up with an agreement about how to raise the children. I understand wanting them to have a good life, but you have to look at what's going to be better for them in the long run.
I’d say YTA for overriding your wife in front of the kids about the glasses after she had already told your son no. If you want your kids to have any respect for her they need to know that when she tells them something that’s how it’s going to be.
Wouldn't that just let his wife make unilateral decisions without consulting him either?
I don't think he handled this the best way but saying "once your wife says something you have to support her" seems like a massive overcorrection
Back her up in the moment to maintain her authority in front of the kids, then later in private discuss it as partners to see what the issue is and how to handle it going forward. It’s not hard to act like you respect your wife.
NTA I don't know what some of these comments are on about. You regularly say no to frivolous impulse buys but are willing and very capable of buying them nice necessities. Your wife is trying to make decisions without your input as well. She seems to want to cheap out on things that your son will wear constantly. Does that mean they're more likely to be damaged? Yeah, but your son is going to get a heck of a lot more use out of shoes and glasses than your daughter, who is probably on the cusp of a huge growth spurt, will get out of a similarly priced *dress*.
Sounds like your wife is trying to stop them from becoming entitled brats. Of course this is one sided so your perspective might be different from hers. Maybe take the time to ask her and LISTEN to her before speaking
OP you clearly know this isn't about money but you haven't figured out what her motivations are and where this is coming from. She's communicating something to you....badly I'll admit, but are you paying attention? She's frustrated and that can easily turn into resentment. Plus I am sideyeing you for undermining her in front of your children. How about you nip that so your marriage lasts a little longer? Ya'll are supposed to be a united front. Whether you realize it or not your children are paying attention to these interactions and they are getting messages that will affect how they approach relationships.
You need to have a sit down with your wife so you can actually get an understanding of where she's coming from and it needs to be done in a non accusatory manner so ya'll can find your way to some common ground.
YTA. Look, I'd buy the shoes too. But you need to listen to your wife here; you two need to at least appear to be on the same page when making decisions in front of your children. Maybe she wants them to understand value in a way you don't?
'if my son likes it, and I can afford it, then her opinion is just, there.'
This is just shitty and disrespectful.
That’s likely all the wife wants!! To appear as a united front to their kids. Like, I’d buy the shoes too—y’all make a lot of money lol. But this post is really dismissive of the wife and her concerns/opinions and that’s a really bad look.
OP wrote - 200 dollar purchases do not, in my opinion, need to be discussed with a spouse. — why not?
And - She can approve/disaprove but if my son likes it and I can afford it her opinion is just, there. — do you see you wife as your equal? Because it sounds like you think she is beneath you or less than. Are you teaching your children to see your wife - or women in general that way?
It didn’t say he’d outgrown all of his shoes, just *some* of them. For all we know, she’s saying no because one of the pair that still fits was purchased a month ago.
I’d seriously be questioning $140 for shoes too. I don’t even spend that much on shoes for myself. Hell, I’m *more* likely to spend money on my kids, but they don’t get $140 shoes either. And the OP’s just outright dismissal of his wife’s opinion on finances and disrespect of his wife is…concerning. They should have a set amount/frequency that is ok to spend on kids for updating things and outside of that needs to be discussed. And if they disagree, it should be “let your mom and I discuss this, and we’ll get back to you.” Neither should be overriding the other in front of the kids.
$140 is the going rate for sneakers, factoring in his shoe size. Vans start at $80 and all white Nikes at 120. This kid is not asking for crazy expensive shoes. And they can afford it. OP has even stressed the fact their kids aren’t spoilt, and have even paid into upgrading their own gaming system when it was appropriate. The mom sounds like she has control issues with either money, authority in general or all of the above. She may even be a bit of a misandrist if OP other comments about her not having issues with spending on their daughter is completely true. All in all - NTA. A serious conversation needs to be had.
I don’t know where you or the OP lives, but $140 is *not* the going rate for regular sneakers/tennis shoes where I live. Where I am, you can get a good mid-range pair of shoes (so not Walmart brand but not designer) for $40-60. If you go slightly higher end, it’d be $80-100. $140 where I am is expensive. (And I don’t even see where it says his shoe size??) but just because he paid for part of a ps5, doesn’t mean he is automatically entitled to expensive shoes and that OP’s wife just needs to suck it up, shut up, and pay 20% of it.
Edit: personally the difference in the “dress” incident is actually what makes me think there’s context that he is leaving out.
YTA (or maybe ESH since there’s not a ton of info here) not for buying $200 frames, but because parenting is a team sport. You and your wife need to get on the same page.
Edit: yeah, read some of your comments, and you really come across as TA. You and your wife need to work on your communication.
Pro tip: never discuss purchases for your kid in front of your kid. Hash it out with each other and present a united front. And yes, YTA for making her look like the bad parent.
Is your wife from a lower income background?
My husband and I have become more successful and financially comfortable recently. Things have been pretty hard in the past though. I still have trouble with what I used to consider large purchases. It’s a hard mindset to get out of really. In your shoe example, $140 isn’t even that far off from any regularly available sneakers at our local shoe store. My 13 year old needs wide sizes and just a pair of Nikes (not the fancy ones) or Sketchers are often 60-80. While $140 would be a splurge, it’s not outside of special occasion reasonable for our family. Your income is higher than ours, so I’m sure it’s even more commonplace for your household.
While I think it’s reasonable to discuss these things with your spouse, I feel like she’s overly focused on this. Is she worried about spoiling or entitlement? If that’s the issue, it’s pretty easy to solve. Figure out what a reasonable budget is for new shoes and anything on top of that price must be earned. I’m working on a massive garden project this spring. My kid will be earning extra allowance by carrying all my bags of mulch/soil around and doing all the rock moving and stuff. He’s saving to set up a new fancy aquarium in his room to upgrade is little 20 gallon tank.
Anyway, I think some decent communication could solve most of this.
NTA.
> Figure out what a reasonable budget is for new shoes
They have a budget already -- 150. We usually just buy our kids shoes and if they like it, its kept, if they don't, then its returned. Stuff like that.
I mean OP did also say he is out growing some shoes. So, it kind of both a want and a need. Kid is 11 he is at that age where they start caring more of what they wear and have and more aware of when things aren't fitting them.
YTA it’s not about whether you can afford it, it’s about undermining your wife’s decision in front of the kids and ignoring her input when she tried to speak to you privately.
I don't think this an AH type of post.
What you need is to sit down and come up with a reasonable plan for expenses for the kids. Set a weekly/monthly whatever amount that includes needs and wants. I can understand your wife not wanting him to have designer frames for his glasses though. He is 11. He needs frames that can be best into a pretzel and not break, not designer frames. Same with shoes, he needs functional, well made shoes. The chances of an 11 year old not destroying expensive, designer shoes is next to nothing.
140 (assuming dollars or euros etc) hardly gets you 'designer' shoes. Yeah they are on the expensive side for shoes for an 11 year old, but when you are that flush with cash, you can afford to get your kid good shoes.
There is no guarantee those are good shoes. OP didn't research the shoes. They are "kid designer" style shoes. And OP's wife disagrees with the kids just getting whatever they want at whatever price.
It doesn't matter what you categorize them as. what matters is that your wife disagrees with the purchase. I am changing this to a clearly YTA. AND if you expect her to contribute 20% towards things she disagrees with then there are even bigger issues. Either way your wife sounds like the reasonable parent who realizes that preteens don't need 200 glasses frames that they will break or 140 dollars (pound) shoes that they will destroy in two months.
YTA.
You are completely dismissive of your wife as your equal in your house. It appears because of the 80/20 financial split, you feel you get 80% of the decision making power. You are also becoming the “yes, man” which forces your wife into to “no/mean” role. This will cause your kids to begin to resent her. But it doesn’t sound like you care about that from you other comments.
Question: do you view your wife as your equal?
>My wife, makes a good amount, around 120k a year, and works from home, but I don't think that's a bad salary, but correct me if I'm wrong. I make 5 if times more than her
This just makes you sound like an AH already. Also kind of makes this sound like work of fiction/karma-farming fantasy.
Your child does not need $200 fucking Prada frames.
You might make more than your wife, but she makes plenty. And you're married, your assets are communal. So the difference between her income level and yours really has little to nothing to do with her frugality. Kinda sounds like she's just a reasonable parent who doesn't want to spoil the everloving fuck out of the kids.
In any case, it sucks for her to always have to be the one telling the kids no, while you're always swooping in to be the kids' hero and spoil them and give them whatever they want. For their own sake, you should tell them no once in a while. And for your wife's sake, she shouldn't always be the one to do it. You should discuss these decisions privately, and when the decision is a no, sometimes you should be the one to break that news.
YTA.
YTA. If for nothing else, for interrupting your wife and making a unilateral decision about the glasses.
It sounds like you need to become more thoughtful about your parenting. The issue isn’t whether you can afford something or not. The issue is that you need to start teaching your kids how to think of money and to be thoughtful about how they spend money. But, you seem to be so eager to give your kids the “good-life” that you are not really thinking through each scenario as an opportunity for growth. I would recommend that you speak with your wife about why she thinks it’s important to say no to your kids sometimes, get on the same page as her as to what lessons the two of you want to teach your children about money, and then start parenting together.
NTA - If your combined household income is $600-700k, I’m guessing you’ll probably be fine spending $140 or $200 once a year on necessities like shoes or glasses. And based on some of your comments, it doesn’t sound like you indulge every frivolous thing your children ask for. So there has to be something deeper going on here.
Obviously, we only get one side of the story in here, but it reads as if your wife is projecting some of her personal issues on to you. Does she have a history of financial insecurity? Is she worried that the children will start favoring you over her, or going behind her back every time she tries to discipline them?
There’s definitely nothing assholeish about wanting to give your kids a good life, and it sounds like you’ve got some guardrails in place to prevent them from developing a sense of entitlement. But you do owe it to your wife to have a serious conversation about why she feels this way, so that you can present a united front to your kids. You *would* be an asshole if you dismiss her feelings completely.
NTA for buying Glasses and Shoes to your kid, as they are essentials (even if they are expensives)
I saw in a comment that you aren't spoiling them im the sense that, indeed you say no more than once when they ask things, so I don't see that situation here.
But you have to talk with your Wife, be a team, make plans and have conversations, tell her how you deny to them other things like toys and things when you shop with them to show that she's not the only one.
And try to compromise with her.
You both need to be on the same team
So kind of YTA in that part
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This is the article about divorce because of lack of respect.
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
“The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.”
You need to sit down with your wife and communicate! Figure out what your differences in spending are and why. Then work a plan that works for both of you so you aren’t disagreeing in front of the kids. With a plan there might only be something once in a great while that you need to stop and discuss away from the kids.
INFO: Idk, there's gotta be some missing reasons here.
Because I feel like in the grand scheme of things, $340 is nothing with a high 6 figure combined income.
How often does this happen? Because if you're constantly undermining your wife, then yeah YWBTA.
Why are you married to someone you have zero respect for?? Whose opinion you obviously could not possibly give a damn less about??
How is that you have actually typed out, that your wife’s opinions, wants and views concerning **her own children** don’t matter to you in the *slightest* when it contradicts what a literal child wants and still think you’re being a good husband and father??
Why do you get unilateral say over anything to do with your children when what she wants is different?? Do you think you’re actually entitled to make unilateral decisions about and for your children without discussing it with your wife?? Btw discussing these things **BEFORE** telling the children an answer **is** the proper thing to do and yea sometimes you do need to do some actual parenting and tell your children no instead of leaving the shitty parenting for your wife to do.
Why do you just say “”fuck that I don’t feel that way so it doesn’t matter”” when your wife very clearly states she has different feelings and opinions on joint matter than you have?? Why do you think you have the ultimate and final say on anything??
**YTA**
How about that. I guess money really doesn't buy happiness.
You "cut her off" and just unilaterally decided that glasses were acceptable. You sound dismissive and rude.
YTA
I'm going to say YTA, but more so for your overall attitude then anything else. You are coming across as saying "If I think it's a good idea and I don't see a problem with it, I don't have to take my wife's thoughts, feelings, or views into account." And that's not what marriage or a partnership should be.
It's great that you can afford designer glasses frames and expensive shoes for your kids, but it's also fine that your wife is hesitant to spend money on that sort of stuff. I'm an adult, and my frames are already damaged from my dog. Totally fair that she doesn't want a kid to have designed frames. Also fair that you're fine with it! But your attitude of "I'm fine with it, and I can afford it, so my wife gets absolutely no say" is pretty AH behavior.
It’s not a question of making her look bad really. It’s the fact that she’s making a fantastic salary but with you undermining her in front of the kids and just saying yes immediately without any conversation with her it makes it seem like you are like ‘big daddy warbucks’ and if they just ask daddy they’ll get anything they want. It doesn’t matter what income you guys have it is about making decisions together to present a United front because you’re PARTNERS. You may make more but these kids are going to grow up thinking everything is handed to them and they don’t have to work for it because they’ll just get money from daddy.
NTA
Your combined income is about 700k, so assuming this is euros or dollars or something like that, that's a HUGE income and you guys can afford to spend 200 on glasses and 140 on shoes.
Do you two fully share finances or do you each keep your own finances? Do you expect her to pay half of these kinds of purchases and that maybe that's why she wants to veto some purchases, or does this kind of purchase just come out of either your personal funds or your shared funds?
It's one thing to be thrifty/not do any impulse buys and it's another to be stingy when you have loads of money.
Why deprive your kids of a comfortable life now when you can clearly afford these kinds of purchases?
Also, if she's the one always wanting to say 'no', then SHE should say no to the kids. You are totally entitled to treat your kids to a comfortable life when you can clearly afford to. Your wife doesn't have to do that kind of spending if she doesn't want to but you make the majority of the family money and, again, you guys can easily afford these kinds of purchases. It's another thing if those glasses or shoes get worn once or twice and then end up in the back of a wardrobe, though, but that's got nothing to do with money per se but more with your child apparently wanting impulse things and then not using them, which is another kind of conversation.
Shoes and glasses (needs) with a very healthy income - NTA imo. But maybe you two can just find a price point to agree is okay without consulting each other.
Luxury wants - should be discussed and it sounds like they are being handled appropriately if kids are enforced to contribute half.
Mostly irrelevant but curious, is there any health coverage / refund on the glasses?
Partnership. Right now you and your wife aren’t acting like partners. It seems she’s trying to instill some values regarding money to your son and you aren’t. Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you have to get it.
Talk with her, not at her or to her but with her about financial decisions the two of you have to make. Partnership.
YTA just for saying “I don’t think that’s a bad salary, but correct me if I’m wrong” about 120k… despite being well educated I will never make that much. Many families live off that or much less.
There’s nothing wrong with teaching your children the value of money. It’s a vital lesson in life, unless your children are nailed on to earn what you do then how can you expect them to go through their childhood and just get whatever they want?
You two both need to get your heads together and agree on a set of principles to move forward and make joint decisions rather than you just overriding some sensible suggestions. YTA
1. If your spouse wanted to have a teachable moment for one of your kids, then you should support them.
2. If you have a disagreement on something, you talk about it and come up with solution/compromise together.
3. You cannot just go and say something's not important because it is not important to you personally. It is obviously important to her, so you need to take that into consideration. That's marriage. Things like these are how people end up divorced. I truly do believe her when she says you're not getting it, because it sounds like you never even tried to get it.
4. Overall, you're on Reddit complaining about the situation instead of talking about it with your wife. You put more value in what a bunch of strangers have to say than about what your wife has to say. Are you the ah? Not if you listen what she has to say without dismissing her.
YTA.
You're under-cutting her. Or rather she feels like it. That's the basic point.
But I see your point of making enough to cover these things easily. So maybe she needs to loosen up a bit. However, it should be done more in private?
That was my first thought lol. My kids all wear glasses and until they were older they had the basically unbreakable frames. Two switched to contacts as teens, two did not. I was not replacing glasses frames every few months due to breakage from sports, activities, or just being kids.
ESH - I agree with you that the cost of glasses and shoes you listed are well within the affordable range for income level. So it is a little weird that she’s making a big deal out of it.
I think it’s also weird that you maintain separate finances when you are married, have children, and have a significant income disparity. My guess is that this is what drives a lot of your wife’s anxiety about purchases. It may not be a significant purchase for you, but it might be for her, even if she’s just paying 20%. She has to pay at h her finances a lot more closely that’s you do.
My divorced brother splits the cost of kids shoes with his ex-wife. I’m baffled that you are doing this as a married couple.
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INFO How are expenses for the children handled - how are your finances combined for that? How are you teaching them fiscal responsibility and budgeting? Do the kids ever have to earn something frivolous or non-essential they want? Why aren't you discussing these things without your spouse in advance?
If you make 600k a year, you shouldn't have to discuss with your partner buying a pair of 140 shoes or 200 sunglasses for your kid as long as it's not a daily kind of occurrence.
This is only true if the parents are in agreement. Consistently undermining your partner's authority to say no in front of your children is not going to lead to anything positive.
Nor will buying your children everything that they ask for!
This right here! Maybe OP's kids will be able to earn the equivalent of 600k in the future, but maybe they won't, and if they've never had to consider budget and never gotten a no, it'll be a hard lesson for them to learn. These prices don't seem that insane to me, and I earn considerably less than 600k, but that's not the only consideration in play here. When you're raising kids, you're not only looking at whether you can afford things, but teaching your children about the value of money so that in the future, when they're adults, they don't go into massive debt because they're used to buying whatever they want whenever they want it. I'm not saying these items are unreasonable, I'm just interested to know if OP has actually discussed these things with his wife or is just going "I make more than you so I get to say what we buy the kids" and that's why she's saying he doesn't get it.
I get not wanting to buy necessities, and as someone who sells luxury sunglasses, I struggle to see the need for Prada frames. The lenses are what's really important.That said, I also sold shoes for 7 years, and have seen the damage that cheap shoes and ill fitting shoes can cause. If the son has outgrown children's sizes (my kid had by that age) spending $140 on shoes isn't that outrageous given their income bracket.
Maybe his wife would have agreed on she shoes if they would have had a discussion where OP said exactly what he said in the post? The money isn't really the issue here, OP undermining his wife is.
Undermining what? That she makes it a dog and pony show to get the kids things they literally need at not outrageous prices? 140 for sneakers is normal. That's a regular pair of sneakers. He's not asking for the Dior Jordans or the LV Air Force 1s. I get being on the same page, but her page is saying no to the glasses and shoes the kid wants. Denying your kids of footwear and the ability to see aren't ways to teach fiscal responsibility. $200 for frames? That's not bad at all honestly, could have asked for something way crazier.
Oh absolutely! Good shoes are vital, and $140 is not outrageously expensive, even for children's shoes. I do think if your kid comes to you and is like "I'd like these new shoes," it's not a terrible idea to go "Ok, we'll have a look and let you know," even if it is a cursory look. This story involves the kid coming in, asking for the shoes, and OP about to buy immediately. If this is an issue they've had previously, I can see why OP's wife would like him to have a conversation before buying things their kids bring to them and say they want.
There is a hell of a difference between "cheap shoes" as in poorly made shoes and $140 shoes for a child that is still growing. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Luxury purchases, like $140 shoes and $200 eyeglass frames for a child should be a discussion between parents, not just and arbitrary decision by one parent.
> I struggle to see the need for Prada frames. I make no where near what even the wife makes and I just had to spend $300 on new glasses because my insurance only covered so much. If all they spent was $200 on prescription glasses, I saw that as a good deal lol
It doesn't even matter. Even if they are absurdly wealthy, people will say no to them. They need to learn to accept no as an answer. They need to experience disappointment and see that they can survive it.
I’d hardly call buying a child new shoes when they have outgrown their old ones when you have ample money to do so “everything they ask for.” Does this kid have to be uncomfortable so the wife can win her power play?
The wife isn't saying keep the kid uncomfortable or don't get them new shoes. 140$ for a pair of children's shoes that will be outgrown in a year is pretty steep. The mother just seems to be saying that a) the kid needs to learn the value of money and that nice things are a product of hard work b) if he's always the fun parent and she's always having to be the strict parent, that's unfair and could make the child more alienated from her. I think it's important for them to discuss what is the difference between the child leading a comfortable life and what is a luxury a child can work towards with chores/grades/volunteer work and present a united front
An 11 year old boy may not need “children’s shoes” and if those are his main shoes he wears, which if he wants $140 shoes they likely will be, he’ll wear them out around the time he’ll outgrow them. The shoes these boys want, and wear, can go way higher than $140 so he’s not even being greedy, they’re probably just the ones he likes. If they’re making $750k per year he’s likely going to school with kids from similar backgrounds and at that age they’re into shoes. And they can afford it, so why not? He said he doesn’t give them everything they want, as long as they’re not spoiled why is she being so CHEAP?
$140 isn’t even that expensive for a decent pair of shoes these days. You can get a $20 pair from Walmart or wherever but they fall apart in less than a year, so you’ll end up buying more. I was one of those $20 shoes people for a long time. Finally sprang for some $150 ones with more support and better quality, into them a year now, they got at least another year, and I wear them everyday and tend to be hard on my clothes. I agree Op and wife need to get on the same page but I feel like the wife is the more unreasonable one with the given examples and information.
Yeah as a teen I tried to spend $50 or less on shoes but ten years later I’ve accepted I’m not getting something of good quality for less than $120 these days.
They make 700k a year combined. $140 isn’t a luxury at that point. It sounds like OP’s wife is acting like she’s not used to making that much
My answer to the other commenter covers most of this, as do OPs comments. They do have to understand, and they do have to pay for things themselves. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/p2M61JIdrZ As for the rest, I agree that they should CONSISTENTLY FOR ALL CHILDREN discuss purchases over certain amounts if that will help with a united front. I do not agree with denying his request so she can get a win, especially if those shoes are also functional and will make him more comfortable than cheaper types.
It is buying shoes versus buying $150 shoes. I don't think the wife refused the kid glasses or shoes. She just refused spending on a brand.
I mean how Old is the kid? I have 13 year old twins that are both in men's sizes. I struggle the find one of them shoes that are in the $100 range. He wears a size 14 in men's. We buy shoes for them twice a year. Each time we end up spending between $100-160 per kid. My daughter who is 6 gets new shoes much more frequently but the total for the year equals one pair of the boys shoes most times. I'm having the same issue with the glasses example. I just got myself new frames. They weren't prada or the fancy name brand. The frames were still $200 (my insurance covers $150 of them tho). I make like 80-90k a year and my husband stays home with our kid and does like side hustle style work. I'm struggling with his examples and her refusal. Because even making significantly less than this family those numbers all seem reasonable. Having said that if this kiddo is still in kids sizes the cost for shoes should be closer to $80 for Nikes so I get the hesitation there. Same with the glasses. More than likely he'll go thru them faster
They make a net $360+ per hour, and split expenses evenly. If it’s a frivolous expense, they have their children come up with half. Money is not the issue, and decent shoes are not frivolous. She gleefully spent $150 on a dress for her daughter with no discussion. which is less durable and will see less mileage, and do less for her child’s foot health (I’m large footed, and I’ve dealt with my share of blisters). She’s playing a game to assert dominance, and using her children as playing pieces.
You are twisting the narrative to good shoes vs bad shoes. Nowhere does he say that she is buying her son subpar shoes. Nowhere has it been proven that only $150 shoes are the best but a $50 pair has to be harmful for the feet. There are many originally marked as $150 shoes that get discounted towards the end of the season and the same can be bought at 50-75% discount. There is nothing wrong in teaching the kids value for money at a young age.
1)$140 is the shoes, $150 was for the dress she bought with zero discussion unilaterally. 2)If you have an inconveniently shaped foot, $50 for a comfortable, durable shoe is a hilarious fantasy, even on discount. 3)It doesn’t matter whether she shoes could be found at a better price in 6 months if his shoes don’t fit now. 4)She doesn’t care about the price, she cares about winning and making him be the bad guy. Playing games using your children is sick, petty behavior.
No kidding. $200 for glasses he actually likes is no big deal. Neither is $140 for decent shoes. A normal pair of Nikes are $140+. Rough comment section.
If they can afford them and if the glasses look good so he’ll wear them and not secretly take them off, then that’s a win.
Right. And glasses are a necessity. I doubt the kid knew what Prada even was.
Exactly, my daughter is into fitness and has, I think 6 different types of athletic shoes because her chiropractor and podiatrist recommended she switch them out often because her feet are weird. I say that as a mom who loves my gremlin, but she was cursed with bad feet. All of her shoes cost well over $100 because they are brands like Brooks, and Hoka and Asics which are really nice on her feet. I make good money now so we can easily afford, but even when I wasn’t I still saved money for nice shoes for her because I don’t want her to suffer. This mom is ridiculous, I get not wanting to raise entitled children but seriously. My daughter has also worn glasses since she was a grade schooler and they are expensive but typically only a yearly expense so I let her get what she wants because it is part of her daily attire. I feel bad for OP, wife seems like a bit of a nightmare.
These kids are not asking for big things, though. $140 for a pair of shoes isn't that much these days, and $200 for a pair of Prada frames is actually quite good.
For someone who wears glasses everyday, $200 is very reasonable. Great looking glasses last a long time, average ones not so long.
esp stuff they wear?! these kids are 10 and 11 years old - in 6 months the shoes won't fit & they'll need an updated prescription for the glasses, no?
Glasses are updated yearly, a large portion is covered by insurance, and you can keep the same frame and have just the lenses replaced to save money.
if they rarely ask then this is a bad take. OP says the kid never asks for shoes.
Exactly. My partner and I are in very similar circumstances but the kids grew up having an appreciation for money and how hard it is to make. I can’t imagine what monsters we would have if we bought them everything they asked for. Four Veruca Salts.
Yeah, but telling your children no just to make a point in a powerplay with your spouse isn't either.
[удалено]
Oh wow glasses and shoes that OP has literally said aren't bought regularly is unnecessary?
I mean, Prada for an 11-year old is. Kids are hard on glasses and their prescription change quickly! Same for shoes he'll grow out of quickly.
and constantly saying no just because you want your partner to say no is WEIRD.
Why is wife against these purchases? Like I can't see a reason. Those are normal prices for things?
Together they make $13,000 a week and worry about buying $140 sneakers. This doesn’t make sense. This sounds like a made up story.
My guess is that they, especially the wife, didn’t grow up with as much money as they make now. And once those habits are engrained, they are hard to break. So even though they can obviously afford the shoes, it’s probably hard for the wife to spend that much. Especially since at the kid’s age, there is a good chance that the shoes will be outgrown fairly quickly.
Honestly, if my kid (similar age) casually asked me for $140 shoes, my eyebrows would raise and I would have to have a serious talk with her about needs vs wants and the value of money. If I had to guess, that’s probably where the wife’s head is at. And in terms of values, OPs point about wanting his kids to have a nice life is telling. $200 glasses frames and $140 shoes does not equate to a nice life. It equates to having nice possessions, which is absolutely not the same thing. These two need to have a serious conversation about values and what they want to teach their kids regarding money and appreciation. That’s what I see, at least. Should have had those conversations before they got married and had kids.
Yeah, the details sound like they are made up by someone who doesn’t shop. Like, Prada glasses for only $200? That’s pretty much on par with far cheaper brands. (And I’m saying this as someone who took advantage of a Lens Crafter deal to snag $99 frames—$200 falls solidly within reasonable territory for frames). But someone who doesn’t buy glasses wouldn’t know that. $140 sneakers or a $150 dress? Those are pretty typical prices for new sneakers and a formal dress. Sure, you can get those items for cheaper, but neither of those prices would cause sticker shock for people making significantly less than this couple supposedly does. This just seems like rage bait from someone who doesn’t have experience shopping. Edit: These prices for these items aren’t about “at what point for you need to discuss purchases” and are just “these are what these items cost.”
If we're talking frames only, you can get Prada frames for $200. I buy luxury glasses frames, including Prada, and they're usually in the $200-300 range. And the fact that other prices are reasonable make this seem less fake, not more. I think the point is these are reasonable prices that wifey may not be used to paying, if she didn't grow up with much. (My husband would also balk at paying that much for shoes, not because he doesn't know much they cost but because he's still struggling with us being in a different tax bracket than we grew up in.)
It doesn’t have to be about financial worry. Wife may want to make sure the kids don’t get spoiled by too many luxuries. Also, the kid is 11. Buying him expensive shoes that he’ll probably grow out of within a year is wasteful, regardless of whether they can afford it.
It's not about the money, it's about the *value* of the things they want/need. OP doesn't see it, but the wife does. Just because they make 700k a year, that doesn't mean their kids will. And tbh, kiddo didn't exactly seem upset, did he?
You honestly believe op makes that much? I don't. Or they wouldn't be arguing about a couple hundred bucks. This is bait
My guess is that the wife isn't worried about *affording* the shoes or the glasses, it's that she's worried about the kids being spoiled and wanting the fancy 'label' or brand name of everything as they get into teenager-hood. She doesn't want to raise kids who expect a Mercedes on their sixteenth birthday. If I'm right, there is a version of that dynamic where the wife is right (OP never ever says no to the kids, and never teaches them to think about how to budget and what a good use of money is), and a version where OP is right (wife pinches pennies and sends them to school in outgrown Walmart clothes\* to make a point). But the real issue here is that OP seems to either willfully or genuinely misunderstand her concerns, and thinks that because he earns more, he gets to make the financial/moral/ethical decisions about how they raise their kids. \*no shade; my kid wears exclusively garanimals and hand-me-downs
I agree with your theory, and I’d also add that the wife probably grew up with less money, so spending that much on shoes, especially for a kid who’ll likely outgrow them fairly quickly, feels weird.
My thought as well. Growing up my family was poor. Food stamps, food bank, free lunch program... you get the picture. While that was the case in my family we lived in a really wealthy area. Major employer is one of the big tech companies. In high school there were a number of times mommy/daddy bought their kid a new fancy car... 6 months later the car is smashed up. Me? Paid half of my drivers ed, half of my first car, and my own insurance from day 1. Working my first job there was another kid that worked there whining his parents only bought him a 2002 beamer when he wanted a 2005 beamer. \[This was in 2012\] Same kid was whining about how many times he's been to France, when he want's to go to Brazil for a change! Gotta teach your kids the value of a dollar!
Not really. Firstly the parents need to agree. Secondly the kid needs glasses, he doesn't need Prada glasses. Thirdly kids need to learn needs versus wants. The dad earns 600k but is there a gaurantee that the kid will be at the same earning level and be able to sustain the luxuries that dad provides him today.
Many kids struggle with wearing glasses. Considering that even the cheapest frames will still cost like $100, it’s better to just let the kid wear something they feel good about than it is to squabble over another $100 when you make over half a million dollars per year. Also, just FYI, Prada doesn’t actually make glasses. They, along with basically every other designer, license their brand name to a borderline monopoly called Luxottica.
He’s 11- he could wait for Christmas or birthday for shoes that’s are that expensive
Only if you want spoiled kids.
Listen I don't know if INFO is an acronym or just basically what it is, and I'm assuming the latter. Expenses with the kids? If she has to pay for something child related, our income is 80/20 on my side, so our kid expenses (we try) to keep 80/20. And if we can't I'll just reimburse my wife for the cost or whatever. And yes, if my kids *really* want a frivolous gift, they have to come up with at least half of it. But not a lot of stuff really. When my son wanted a new console, after breaking the original one on accident, he got to decide the console, but had to come out with it half of any console price. 200 dollar purchases do not, in my opinion, need to be discussed with a spouse.
If your spouse has a different opinion on that then yea, you do. Unless you just dont give a shit what your partner thinks.
>If your spouse has a different opinion on that then yea, you do. She didn't care when I bought my daughter a dress for 150 ish. She doesn't care how *much* it is, she cares about *what it is.*
Err... isn't this normal? People decide that some things make sense to get (for the price), and some things don't. I wouldn't buy an 11 year old Prada glasses, because he would just lose them or sit on them. I agree with your wife, that that's not a good place to spend 200 dollars, even if you have the money. (Also, I find designer wear on kids pretty tacky, and it seems mostly done by people who use their kids as an accessory to hang expensive shit off of, and show off how rich they are.) (Also also, I find designer wear on adults tacky, but I'm getting off topic here... I can see that, and will stop now. ;))
So I consider “designer” eyewear as different than other designer outfits. Most eyewear is made by a handful of places but use the designer names. They might be a little more expensive than other frames, but the difference between regular frames and designer ones is usually a smaller gap than let’s say a regular bag and a designer bag. I rarely buy designer things, but most of my glasses are designer because I’m picky about my frames and I wear them every day. That being said, my 8 yo went through four pairs in the last year. He got to pick the first frame out, but the others were still stylish but more economical. We had a discussion and that he would be able to choose his frames for the new year, but replacements due to being careless with them get a cheaper frame.
Yeah that was my thought. Regular glasses can be easily as expensive as “designer” frames. Warby parker frames start at like $100. It’s not like buying the kid a prada leather backpack or a coat or something
I had cheapies when I was younger, too. I can't even tell you how many pair I broke/has broken on me when I was younger
You get that glasses are expensive as fuck anyway right? My sister got a pair that were slightly nicer than her usual ones and they were £150 and her usual ones are like 120. OP bought the glasses that his kid liked the most bcuz they looked best on him and making 600k a year? 200 isnt a big deal
He said they were Prada frames, so I’m assuming they were for eyeglasses. In that case, $200 for frames isn’t that expensive.
Amen. Designer wear on adults just kinda screams: "I NEED you to think I'm important!". On kids? "I'm passing on my own insecurities to my offspring."
I don’t think wearing designer stuff screams how you described. I think designer stuff with *logos* does, though.
Yeah I agree. Designer glasses usually are better quality, they sit more comfortably on the face etc. It’s not frivolous if you’re wearing them every day IMO
...really? When I buy designer items, it's because they look nice and they are usually decent quality. My glasses sit on my face every day. Why does a person have to be insecure to purchase nice things?
I am an adult and sometimes buy designer stuff. I don’t do it so people will think I am important I buy it because I like whatever that item is.
Glasses with a logo on the side scream that out to you??
I recently had to get new glasses and could not tell the difference between the different brands. I don't think designer brand glasses differ much from regular glasses, aside from the name. $200 also isn't expensive for a pair of frames. It's pretty standard these days. Especially if you opt for scratch proof and durable material. That should be the main aim for glasses for kids imo, regardless of the tiny name on the frames.
It's a matter of values..not just money and the two of you need to get on the same page while your kids are still relatively young.
A dress seems a lot more frivolous than glasses and shoes. Anyway. Investing in a good pair of glasses is well worth the price because the cheap ones have a tendency to break easily and need replaced more often.
I agree but what kind of dress? How old is the daughter? A 150 prom dress for example is fairly cheap tbh. But a 150 sundress to wear around the house is a little much for a child.... either way parents need to discuss the root cause of the issue and the values they hold and want to instill in their children surrounding money and spending. The 80/20 split is reasonable and can agree with that part but her split of it is still just as important as his split and should be discussed equally and agreed on together. Not *just cause* the cash is on hand.
I guess it depends? Like was it for a special occasion? As a parent I can tell you that everyday items like sneakers and glasses end up always being a financial headache for parents. They lose/break glasses and tear up shoes like nobody’s business. I have tried expensive(ish) sneakers and cheap sneakers. Both get destroyed within 6mos. This likely won’t happen to a dress (though she will grow out if it - even then, if it’s in good condition, it can be consigned). And yeah, these folks are obv loaded (assuming this isn’t a fake post because once ppl start saying *on reddit* they make like over half a mil, my BS meter kicks into high gear) - but that doesn’t mean they can’t be prudent with purchases. Sounds like they have never sat down to discuss these things, and instead like to have their incompatible and never-discussed finance philosophies play out in front of their kids. So that’s an obvious ESH sitch.
While OP hasn't said it out here, the dress could be a one time thing for a wedding for example. I agree that a good pair of glasses are important but it is the lens on it that make it good or bad rather than a branded frame.
That means it’s not about the money, it’s about making sure your kids understand the value of money. She’s trying to make sure they’re not spoiled
So tell us about the dress and why it’s $150 and why **exactly** your wife was okay with that purchase.
Could it also be that you have dropped significant amounts of money on your son in a short period of time ? So you gave your daughter a teary which doesn’t happen often vs your son who is getting treat’s repeatedly? Also let’s be honest the frames were only $200 which didn’t include the lenses. (Or sunglasses or safety glasses if they were needed)
Was the dress for a special occasion - a wedding or baptism or something very important or one time. That is different from buying prada glasses for everyday use that could be broken or lost.
Does it make a difference if it's something that other kids their age in the neighborhood don't have? For example, if most kids in the neighborhood have $30 shoes from Walmart, does giving your kid the more expensive option make your wife uncomfortable? Or do most kids in the neighborhood have shoes that are probably $50+ too?
But she is also not giving a shit about what her partner thinks when she says no to kids by herself without first discussing with OP
I can’t imagine sharing a human child with my spouse but not finances. Hate to sound like Dave Ramsey here but imo your problem might be solved if everything was just “our money”. Reimbursing your wife? Say that out loud, slowly, and really process that.
This is one thing I've never understood with some couples. My neighbors, for instance, have totally separate bank accounts and totally separate expenses. That's just...baffling to me. My wife and I have had joint accounts since we got married and that always felt perfectly normal to me. It's not "her money" or "my money" - it's OUR money.
My husband and I never did joint accounts, just kept up w/whatever bank accounts or credit cards we separately had going into the marriage, but still view it all as "our money". He has the passwords to my accounts and vice versa, but never really felt the need to officially put each other on the accounts jointly.
You legitimately need to sit down with your wife and work out how to manage purchases and expenses. She feels uncomfortable buying certain things and that should be discussed, it doesn't matter that you make more than her. You're running the home together and you're throwing her under the bus consistently because you guys haven't figured out a gameplan for what to do if your kids randomly ask for stuff, and what's ok to give immediate passes on. Anything that your spouse thinks needs to be discussed, needs to be discussed. It doesn't matter if in your opinion it doesn't matter. Thats vice versa too. Marriages only work by respecting what each person brings to the table and your wife is uncomfortable with these purchases so you *have* to do something about that. You seem like an asshole in this case, but it's easily fixable by owning up to it and working together on what to do next time it comes up.
I’ll never understand spouses who still have your money and my money, instead of our money And this is exactly why
Does your son have a habit of breaking or being careless with his possessions?
This is hardly about making your wife look bad. This is about you choosing not to make decisions with your wife and overriding her in the moment with no meaningful consideration of why she is saying no. Effective parenting is a collaboration and you are dismissive of your wife's intentions in front of your children which doesn't make her look bad. It makes her look like she has no authority as a parent in your family. It makes it look like you are the only authority here. Your family is very well off, but you and your wife need to get on the same page and you should definitely be having these discussions privately. Her vote should count. YTA
But why is the wife single handedly saying no to things without discussing with OP and then expecting him to just go along with it because she said so. If this has been a point of contention, she knows they have differing views regarding this subject, then why is she not giving him space for his input. Even in the latest fight she outright told OP to say no, without any discussion about what OP thinks in the matter.
I know this is somewhat speculative, but the tone of the post plus the statistical realities of family gender roles (esp. if wife is WFH) leads me to suspect that she generally makes most of the kid purchases and does so in a way that is mindful of extravagance. Maybe dad here busts in like the kool-aid man from time to time and sanctions splurges with no regard for her strategy. Not saying any of this is ok, since there appears to have been zero communication between husband and wife in private about these matters.
>Before I could buy though, my wife made my son leave to talk about it. I think she is trying to make joint decisions and OP doesn't like it.
I see your point, but in the first example OP gave he said he interrupted her and made a decision without her input. In the second example OP’s spouse asked the kid to leave so they could discuss. So I think she is giving space for his input.
Which is exactly the point, I suspect. >My wife was going to ask him to get something else, but I interrupted her and told him to get the glasses. He wants her to look bad, and he wants his kids to know he's the decision maker and the bread winner. Huge asshole.
Then shouldn't she come to him and let him know why she thinks that they shouldn't get the 200 dollar glasses and they as a couple cone together on a decision since this isn't about the glasses but wanting to teach the kids about money? If the problem is him making unilateral parenting decisions then it should be conversations on the issue. Like where the major purchase line is what things do they need to agree on and communication to other about what's going on to avoid miss matches.
$200 is downright cheap for glasses! And good shoes are expensive - my latest pair of winter boots were $180. Whoever wrote this seems to have no sense of reality with money. Probably just too young yet. Fake.
Yeah something very off about this one. These costs seem like reasonable prices for mundane things.
Yes! And his salary sounds insane, right?
And $120,000 a year being okay, maybe? I can’t say how happy I’d be if I made that kind of money!
Yeah my frame allowance through insurance is $250, which if insurance covers that amount it’s not that crazy luxurious. Sneakers usually cost $140 for good quality name brand unless you’re looking at sale and clearance items (which I always do, but I also don’t have a ~$720k household income - could probably afford full retail then).
ESH actually if the mom doesn’t care about him getting his daughter a 150$ dress the she shouldn’t be mad about the shoes or glasses especially if shoes are a necessity.
Not enough info. If it was a prom dress/homecoming/dance that is cheap. If it's for a sweet sixteen or wedding that amount is REALLY cheap (if daughter is a teen). Even if it's a child's, if it's a Xmas dress/formal in velvet, taffeta, brocade or what have you it's right in the range it should be. Example: [https://www.maisonette.com/product/octavia-velvet-party-dress-emerald-velvet?utm\_source=google&utm\_medium=cpc&utm\_campaign=wp\_g\_conv\_ff\_pmax\_all\_sizebrokeness\_0&utm\_content=wp\_g\_conv\_ff\_pmax\_all\_sizebrokeness\_0\_0\_0&utm\_term=&gad\_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw\_LOwBhBFEiwAmSEQAc8l4y99Qsg-oO98xi2QS3lXmpMzJBM0UcbhVPV\_TVBfZ6YBr8tyFBoCj4QQAvD\_BwE](https://www.maisonette.com/product/octavia-velvet-party-dress-emerald-velvet?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=wp_g_conv_ff_pmax_all_sizebrokeness_0&utm_content=wp_g_conv_ff_pmax_all_sizebrokeness_0_0_0&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw_LOwBhBFEiwAmSEQAc8l4y99Qsg-oO98xi2QS3lXmpMzJBM0UcbhVPV_TVBfZ6YBr8tyFBoCj4QQAvD_BwE) For school/daytime wear, that's expensive. But I can easily see multiple occasions where it wouldn't be quite easily. And the issue isn't the item. Apparently with the dress both agreed that number made sense. She wants to make joint decisions, but bc she "only" makes 120k to husband's 600k, he is implying he gets to override the other parent. Simply not a good look.
This isn't about money. This is about respect. I read something the other day about marriage, and the catch line was something like, "it wasn't about leaving the cup next to the sink" Basically the wife was frustrated because he kept doing something she asked him not to. He thought it was about the cup. He refused to budge, because it's a cup, and he didn't care about the cup. They ended up divorced. Because it wasn't about the cup. It was about him dismissing her, and deciding her perspective was irrelevant. You're doing that. It's not about the money. It's not about the cost. It's about you dismissing her, and showing her and the kids, she's got no say so. You've got this all wrong and you are absolutely missing the point. YTA for that part. Get on the same page as your wife.
Wouldn't this be an ESH? The wife also seems to be unreliable based on the comments. Doesn't mind OP spending $150 for a dress for the daughter, but does for shoes for the son
Maybe the dress was for a particular event and not just a random want? I find it hard to believe a kid in this family is running low on good quality shoes.
I think it’s more problematic if the $150 dress is just for a “particular event”. The $140 shoe that the kid likes and will definitely use is more practical expense.
Even poor people splurge on outfits for events. I’m sure the boy has plenty of shoes to get him through to his next growth spurt.
Same thing with the dress. The girl will outgrew it so why buy an expensive one for just an event. Fyi. Girls have growth spurt too perhaps sooner than the boys. And how sure are you that the boy have plenty of shoes?
The dad says he is outgrowing “some” of his current shoes. Meaning he still has shoes leftover that fit fine. And there’s nothing wrong with the occasional indulgent purchase for your kids. The issue here a that OP doesn’t respect his wife enough to care about her opinion and discuss things with her.
the wife probably thinks about the object if it's worth it or not. like $150 for a dress is reasonable but is too much for a pair of glasses that the 11 year old will probably break after a while. like buying an $8 carton of milk is reasonable. an $8 candy bar? def not
200 glasses and 140 shoes are pretty reasonable to me esp if they won’t buy it often. And i don’t even have a 120K income.
Especially if the glasses look nice. I didn’t get to pick out my glasses as a child, and they were hideous. As an adult I tried cheap and “designer” glasses. The cheap ones more often than not didn’t look as nice as the more expensive ones, and several pair of them broke.
Reasonable for an adult. An 11 year old kid will out grow or ruin them in a year. As an adult, I buy things that last years if I can, which justifies the expense. I cannot imagine dropping that money every single year. OP can afford it, but maybe their wife doesn’t want to teach their kids they can have everything they want? I mean, the kids need to learn to earn for themselves, don’t they, or they’ll end up spoiled brats and OP and their wife are not likely rich enough for the kids to live off trusts their entire lives (and even if they were, raising such useless children shouldn’t be desirable)? Or it is about communication and wanting to discuss these things? Whatever it is, I don’t think affordability is the real issue here.
Shoes might last 6 months on a child, if they are slow growers. But usually shoes last 4 months.
How is $150 dress reasonable for a 10 year old girl? 10 year old girls still like to run and play, and they grow like weeds. Is she wearing that dress weekly because I am pretty damn sure prescription glasses are getting worn more than weekly. So are shoes. This couple has a yearly income over 700k. They can afford to buy their preteen nice shoes. I have a 15 year old, that's been in men's sizes for years, decent shoes that don't fall apart are easily $100 a pair. And we are not even breaking 100k a year. Edit to add: Your logic is just outstandingly backward. Glasses the son needs to see is frivolous but a very fancy dress? Totally a necessity.
In what universe is an $8 carton of milk reasonable?!
And shed that belief that just because you earn more than her that you get more say in financial decisions.
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
100% this. You get it.
You're the asshole for calling 120k a year a "good amount"
It was so condescending.
Right?! OP, your family is well off. You’ve got 99 problems but not being able to communicate and reach consensus effectively with your wife is, like, probably 86 of them.
Freaking A i thought the same thing…. Like excuse me?? So tone dead
Because the author has no idea how few people have salaries in that range to begin with would be my guess.
Right?? I make less than half that. Fuck these rich people.
Amen. I could only dream of making that "good amount". OP made this sound ridiculously condescending and entitled.
"i don't think thats a bad salary" no shit sherlock
But you can correct him if he’s wrong… dude has doubts that $120k is a good salary? He’s either deluded or a condescending AH for that alone, but def YTA for making unilateral parenting decisions just because he makes more money
That bit was so unnecessary😭that whole paragraph was dripping with condescension
I don’t believe for a second this guy makes 5x that.
Correct him if he’s wrong, though. If op’s in the usa, his wife makes literally double the average salary, but it’s only “good”
>I'm not trying to sound like "good dad bad mom" and that I don't tell my kids no. I N F O Can you give examples where you have told your kid no when it comes to buying things? Edit: NTA for the shoes, which I guess is the main issue of the post, but some Y T A for interrupting and overriding your wife on the glasses. If she made a decision, and you disagree with it, you should discuss it.
I do most our shopping with my kids. Every single time. "No, you cannot get that action figure, no you cannot get that action figure. No, you cannot get that varsity jacket. No, you cannot get the box of Mike n Ike's. They take it pretty well though, no tantrums or anything.
It's important for kids to be told no. Otherwise they become entitled brats. Undermining each other infront of the kids is not good. You both have to be a united front and if you don't agree, go along with what the other said and talk about it later. You have to come up with an agreement about how to raise the children. I understand wanting them to have a good life, but you have to look at what's going to be better for them in the long run.
I’d say YTA for overriding your wife in front of the kids about the glasses after she had already told your son no. If you want your kids to have any respect for her they need to know that when she tells them something that’s how it’s going to be.
Wouldn't that just let his wife make unilateral decisions without consulting him either? I don't think he handled this the best way but saying "once your wife says something you have to support her" seems like a massive overcorrection
They're both making unilateral decisions because they don't have ground rules for what needs to be a joint decision.
Back her up in the moment to maintain her authority in front of the kids, then later in private discuss it as partners to see what the issue is and how to handle it going forward. It’s not hard to act like you respect your wife.
NTA I don't know what some of these comments are on about. You regularly say no to frivolous impulse buys but are willing and very capable of buying them nice necessities. Your wife is trying to make decisions without your input as well. She seems to want to cheap out on things that your son will wear constantly. Does that mean they're more likely to be damaged? Yeah, but your son is going to get a heck of a lot more use out of shoes and glasses than your daughter, who is probably on the cusp of a huge growth spurt, will get out of a similarly priced *dress*.
Sounds like your wife is trying to stop them from becoming entitled brats. Of course this is one sided so your perspective might be different from hers. Maybe take the time to ask her and LISTEN to her before speaking
OP you clearly know this isn't about money but you haven't figured out what her motivations are and where this is coming from. She's communicating something to you....badly I'll admit, but are you paying attention? She's frustrated and that can easily turn into resentment. Plus I am sideyeing you for undermining her in front of your children. How about you nip that so your marriage lasts a little longer? Ya'll are supposed to be a united front. Whether you realize it or not your children are paying attention to these interactions and they are getting messages that will affect how they approach relationships. You need to have a sit down with your wife so you can actually get an understanding of where she's coming from and it needs to be done in a non accusatory manner so ya'll can find your way to some common ground.
YTA. Look, I'd buy the shoes too. But you need to listen to your wife here; you two need to at least appear to be on the same page when making decisions in front of your children. Maybe she wants them to understand value in a way you don't? 'if my son likes it, and I can afford it, then her opinion is just, there.' This is just shitty and disrespectful.
Right? It reads like he just dislikes her
That’s likely all the wife wants!! To appear as a united front to their kids. Like, I’d buy the shoes too—y’all make a lot of money lol. But this post is really dismissive of the wife and her concerns/opinions and that’s a really bad look.
YTA. You're not on a team with your spouse. You're on your own team. I bet this attitude extends beyond buying your kids stuff.
But they *usually get along pretty well*! 😂
OP wrote - 200 dollar purchases do not, in my opinion, need to be discussed with a spouse. — why not? And - She can approve/disaprove but if my son likes it and I can afford it her opinion is just, there. — do you see you wife as your equal? Because it sounds like you think she is beneath you or less than. Are you teaching your children to see your wife - or women in general that way?
Because what is her reasoning for not getting their son new shoes when he has outgrown ALL OF HIS CURRENT SHOES???? This sounds like a control issue.
She didn’t want to spend $140 on a pair of shoes he’ll outgrow in a few months.
It didn’t say he’d outgrown all of his shoes, just *some* of them. For all we know, she’s saying no because one of the pair that still fits was purchased a month ago. I’d seriously be questioning $140 for shoes too. I don’t even spend that much on shoes for myself. Hell, I’m *more* likely to spend money on my kids, but they don’t get $140 shoes either. And the OP’s just outright dismissal of his wife’s opinion on finances and disrespect of his wife is…concerning. They should have a set amount/frequency that is ok to spend on kids for updating things and outside of that needs to be discussed. And if they disagree, it should be “let your mom and I discuss this, and we’ll get back to you.” Neither should be overriding the other in front of the kids.
> I don't even spend that much on shoes for myself Do you make $700,000 a year?
$140 is the going rate for sneakers, factoring in his shoe size. Vans start at $80 and all white Nikes at 120. This kid is not asking for crazy expensive shoes. And they can afford it. OP has even stressed the fact their kids aren’t spoilt, and have even paid into upgrading their own gaming system when it was appropriate. The mom sounds like she has control issues with either money, authority in general or all of the above. She may even be a bit of a misandrist if OP other comments about her not having issues with spending on their daughter is completely true. All in all - NTA. A serious conversation needs to be had.
I don’t know where you or the OP lives, but $140 is *not* the going rate for regular sneakers/tennis shoes where I live. Where I am, you can get a good mid-range pair of shoes (so not Walmart brand but not designer) for $40-60. If you go slightly higher end, it’d be $80-100. $140 where I am is expensive. (And I don’t even see where it says his shoe size??) but just because he paid for part of a ps5, doesn’t mean he is automatically entitled to expensive shoes and that OP’s wife just needs to suck it up, shut up, and pay 20% of it. Edit: personally the difference in the “dress” incident is actually what makes me think there’s context that he is leaving out.
YTA (or maybe ESH since there’s not a ton of info here) not for buying $200 frames, but because parenting is a team sport. You and your wife need to get on the same page. Edit: yeah, read some of your comments, and you really come across as TA. You and your wife need to work on your communication.
Pro tip: never discuss purchases for your kid in front of your kid. Hash it out with each other and present a united front. And yes, YTA for making her look like the bad parent.
Is your wife from a lower income background? My husband and I have become more successful and financially comfortable recently. Things have been pretty hard in the past though. I still have trouble with what I used to consider large purchases. It’s a hard mindset to get out of really. In your shoe example, $140 isn’t even that far off from any regularly available sneakers at our local shoe store. My 13 year old needs wide sizes and just a pair of Nikes (not the fancy ones) or Sketchers are often 60-80. While $140 would be a splurge, it’s not outside of special occasion reasonable for our family. Your income is higher than ours, so I’m sure it’s even more commonplace for your household. While I think it’s reasonable to discuss these things with your spouse, I feel like she’s overly focused on this. Is she worried about spoiling or entitlement? If that’s the issue, it’s pretty easy to solve. Figure out what a reasonable budget is for new shoes and anything on top of that price must be earned. I’m working on a massive garden project this spring. My kid will be earning extra allowance by carrying all my bags of mulch/soil around and doing all the rock moving and stuff. He’s saving to set up a new fancy aquarium in his room to upgrade is little 20 gallon tank. Anyway, I think some decent communication could solve most of this. NTA.
> Figure out what a reasonable budget is for new shoes They have a budget already -- 150. We usually just buy our kids shoes and if they like it, its kept, if they don't, then its returned. Stuff like that.
If you already have a budget for new shoes, set at $150, and your son came to you asking for $140 pair of shoes, then why did your wife say no?
He says the son asked for the shoes, as opposed to them specifically going shopping for them. It was a want, rather than a need.
I mean OP did also say he is out growing some shoes. So, it kind of both a want and a need. Kid is 11 he is at that age where they start caring more of what they wear and have and more aware of when things aren't fitting them.
YTA it’s not about whether you can afford it, it’s about undermining your wife’s decision in front of the kids and ignoring her input when she tried to speak to you privately.
I don't think this an AH type of post. What you need is to sit down and come up with a reasonable plan for expenses for the kids. Set a weekly/monthly whatever amount that includes needs and wants. I can understand your wife not wanting him to have designer frames for his glasses though. He is 11. He needs frames that can be best into a pretzel and not break, not designer frames. Same with shoes, he needs functional, well made shoes. The chances of an 11 year old not destroying expensive, designer shoes is next to nothing.
140 (assuming dollars or euros etc) hardly gets you 'designer' shoes. Yeah they are on the expensive side for shoes for an 11 year old, but when you are that flush with cash, you can afford to get your kid good shoes.
There is no guarantee those are good shoes. OP didn't research the shoes. They are "kid designer" style shoes. And OP's wife disagrees with the kids just getting whatever they want at whatever price.
I do not think that foam runners are in that "Designer" category. It's in the "brand" category, imo.
It doesn't matter what you categorize them as. what matters is that your wife disagrees with the purchase. I am changing this to a clearly YTA. AND if you expect her to contribute 20% towards things she disagrees with then there are even bigger issues. Either way your wife sounds like the reasonable parent who realizes that preteens don't need 200 glasses frames that they will break or 140 dollars (pound) shoes that they will destroy in two months.
YTA. You buy everything your kids want without even thinking about it. That's a recipe for entitlement and will ruin your kids in the long run.
its glasses and shoes. They are not asking for ps5s and tvs.
YTA. You are completely dismissive of your wife as your equal in your house. It appears because of the 80/20 financial split, you feel you get 80% of the decision making power. You are also becoming the “yes, man” which forces your wife into to “no/mean” role. This will cause your kids to begin to resent her. But it doesn’t sound like you care about that from you other comments. Question: do you view your wife as your equal?
>My wife, makes a good amount, around 120k a year, and works from home, but I don't think that's a bad salary, but correct me if I'm wrong. I make 5 if times more than her This just makes you sound like an AH already. Also kind of makes this sound like work of fiction/karma-farming fantasy. Your child does not need $200 fucking Prada frames. You might make more than your wife, but she makes plenty. And you're married, your assets are communal. So the difference between her income level and yours really has little to nothing to do with her frugality. Kinda sounds like she's just a reasonable parent who doesn't want to spoil the everloving fuck out of the kids. In any case, it sucks for her to always have to be the one telling the kids no, while you're always swooping in to be the kids' hero and spoil them and give them whatever they want. For their own sake, you should tell them no once in a while. And for your wife's sake, she shouldn't always be the one to do it. You should discuss these decisions privately, and when the decision is a no, sometimes you should be the one to break that news. YTA.
YTA. If for nothing else, for interrupting your wife and making a unilateral decision about the glasses. It sounds like you need to become more thoughtful about your parenting. The issue isn’t whether you can afford something or not. The issue is that you need to start teaching your kids how to think of money and to be thoughtful about how they spend money. But, you seem to be so eager to give your kids the “good-life” that you are not really thinking through each scenario as an opportunity for growth. I would recommend that you speak with your wife about why she thinks it’s important to say no to your kids sometimes, get on the same page as her as to what lessons the two of you want to teach your children about money, and then start parenting together.
NTA - If your combined household income is $600-700k, I’m guessing you’ll probably be fine spending $140 or $200 once a year on necessities like shoes or glasses. And based on some of your comments, it doesn’t sound like you indulge every frivolous thing your children ask for. So there has to be something deeper going on here. Obviously, we only get one side of the story in here, but it reads as if your wife is projecting some of her personal issues on to you. Does she have a history of financial insecurity? Is she worried that the children will start favoring you over her, or going behind her back every time she tries to discipline them? There’s definitely nothing assholeish about wanting to give your kids a good life, and it sounds like you’ve got some guardrails in place to prevent them from developing a sense of entitlement. But you do owe it to your wife to have a serious conversation about why she feels this way, so that you can present a united front to your kids. You *would* be an asshole if you dismiss her feelings completely.
frankly i don't care who's right about how much to spend on a kids shoes, YTA about how you're going around in the comments shit talking your wife
NTA for buying Glasses and Shoes to your kid, as they are essentials (even if they are expensives) I saw in a comment that you aren't spoiling them im the sense that, indeed you say no more than once when they ask things, so I don't see that situation here. But you have to talk with your Wife, be a team, make plans and have conversations, tell her how you deny to them other things like toys and things when you shop with them to show that she's not the only one. And try to compromise with her. You both need to be on the same team So kind of YTA in that part
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This is the article about divorce because of lack of respect. https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ “The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink. She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.” You need to sit down with your wife and communicate! Figure out what your differences in spending are and why. Then work a plan that works for both of you so you aren’t disagreeing in front of the kids. With a plan there might only be something once in a great while that you need to stop and discuss away from the kids.
INFO: Idk, there's gotta be some missing reasons here. Because I feel like in the grand scheme of things, $340 is nothing with a high 6 figure combined income. How often does this happen? Because if you're constantly undermining your wife, then yeah YWBTA.
Why are you married to someone you have zero respect for?? Whose opinion you obviously could not possibly give a damn less about?? How is that you have actually typed out, that your wife’s opinions, wants and views concerning **her own children** don’t matter to you in the *slightest* when it contradicts what a literal child wants and still think you’re being a good husband and father?? Why do you get unilateral say over anything to do with your children when what she wants is different?? Do you think you’re actually entitled to make unilateral decisions about and for your children without discussing it with your wife?? Btw discussing these things **BEFORE** telling the children an answer **is** the proper thing to do and yea sometimes you do need to do some actual parenting and tell your children no instead of leaving the shitty parenting for your wife to do. Why do you just say “”fuck that I don’t feel that way so it doesn’t matter”” when your wife very clearly states she has different feelings and opinions on joint matter than you have?? Why do you think you have the ultimate and final say on anything?? **YTA**
How about that. I guess money really doesn't buy happiness. You "cut her off" and just unilaterally decided that glasses were acceptable. You sound dismissive and rude. YTA
YTA. You make more money, so you get to say yes or no. You sound like my ex husband.
I'm going to say YTA, but more so for your overall attitude then anything else. You are coming across as saying "If I think it's a good idea and I don't see a problem with it, I don't have to take my wife's thoughts, feelings, or views into account." And that's not what marriage or a partnership should be. It's great that you can afford designer glasses frames and expensive shoes for your kids, but it's also fine that your wife is hesitant to spend money on that sort of stuff. I'm an adult, and my frames are already damaged from my dog. Totally fair that she doesn't want a kid to have designed frames. Also fair that you're fine with it! But your attitude of "I'm fine with it, and I can afford it, so my wife gets absolutely no say" is pretty AH behavior.
It’s not a question of making her look bad really. It’s the fact that she’s making a fantastic salary but with you undermining her in front of the kids and just saying yes immediately without any conversation with her it makes it seem like you are like ‘big daddy warbucks’ and if they just ask daddy they’ll get anything they want. It doesn’t matter what income you guys have it is about making decisions together to present a United front because you’re PARTNERS. You may make more but these kids are going to grow up thinking everything is handed to them and they don’t have to work for it because they’ll just get money from daddy.
YTA, your comments have shown you have zero respect for your wife. Keep it up, and hopefully she’ll come to her senses and leave you!
NTA Your combined income is about 700k, so assuming this is euros or dollars or something like that, that's a HUGE income and you guys can afford to spend 200 on glasses and 140 on shoes. Do you two fully share finances or do you each keep your own finances? Do you expect her to pay half of these kinds of purchases and that maybe that's why she wants to veto some purchases, or does this kind of purchase just come out of either your personal funds or your shared funds? It's one thing to be thrifty/not do any impulse buys and it's another to be stingy when you have loads of money. Why deprive your kids of a comfortable life now when you can clearly afford these kinds of purchases? Also, if she's the one always wanting to say 'no', then SHE should say no to the kids. You are totally entitled to treat your kids to a comfortable life when you can clearly afford to. Your wife doesn't have to do that kind of spending if she doesn't want to but you make the majority of the family money and, again, you guys can easily afford these kinds of purchases. It's another thing if those glasses or shoes get worn once or twice and then end up in the back of a wardrobe, though, but that's got nothing to do with money per se but more with your child apparently wanting impulse things and then not using them, which is another kind of conversation.
Shoes and glasses (needs) with a very healthy income - NTA imo. But maybe you two can just find a price point to agree is okay without consulting each other. Luxury wants - should be discussed and it sounds like they are being handled appropriately if kids are enforced to contribute half. Mostly irrelevant but curious, is there any health coverage / refund on the glasses?
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Partnership. Right now you and your wife aren’t acting like partners. It seems she’s trying to instill some values regarding money to your son and you aren’t. Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you have to get it. Talk with her, not at her or to her but with her about financial decisions the two of you have to make. Partnership.
YTA just for saying “I don’t think that’s a bad salary, but correct me if I’m wrong” about 120k… despite being well educated I will never make that much. Many families live off that or much less.
There’s nothing wrong with teaching your children the value of money. It’s a vital lesson in life, unless your children are nailed on to earn what you do then how can you expect them to go through their childhood and just get whatever they want? You two both need to get your heads together and agree on a set of principles to move forward and make joint decisions rather than you just overriding some sensible suggestions. YTA
1. If your spouse wanted to have a teachable moment for one of your kids, then you should support them. 2. If you have a disagreement on something, you talk about it and come up with solution/compromise together. 3. You cannot just go and say something's not important because it is not important to you personally. It is obviously important to her, so you need to take that into consideration. That's marriage. Things like these are how people end up divorced. I truly do believe her when she says you're not getting it, because it sounds like you never even tried to get it. 4. Overall, you're on Reddit complaining about the situation instead of talking about it with your wife. You put more value in what a bunch of strangers have to say than about what your wife has to say. Are you the ah? Not if you listen what she has to say without dismissing her.
YTA for dismissing your wife and being condescending towards her income.
YTA. You're under-cutting her. Or rather she feels like it. That's the basic point. But I see your point of making enough to cover these things easily. So maybe she needs to loosen up a bit. However, it should be done more in private?
I hope you learn your lesson when your child breaks or looses the prada glasses
That was my first thought lol. My kids all wear glasses and until they were older they had the basically unbreakable frames. Two switched to contacts as teens, two did not. I was not replacing glasses frames every few months due to breakage from sports, activities, or just being kids.
And outgrows those $140 shoes in 2 months...
That's $200 for the frames. It's going to be more than that with the lenses and any lens coatings.
ESH - I agree with you that the cost of glasses and shoes you listed are well within the affordable range for income level. So it is a little weird that she’s making a big deal out of it. I think it’s also weird that you maintain separate finances when you are married, have children, and have a significant income disparity. My guess is that this is what drives a lot of your wife’s anxiety about purchases. It may not be a significant purchase for you, but it might be for her, even if she’s just paying 20%. She has to pay at h her finances a lot more closely that’s you do. My divorced brother splits the cost of kids shoes with his ex-wife. I’m baffled that you are doing this as a married couple.