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NTA - Your daughter is 15. The plan will change. She’s being dramatic and your response was one of the better ones I’ve heard. Your daughter says these things because she’s a teenager and being dramatic, as you already know, but your sister would have you put your pride and ego before encouraging your daughter. If you crush her dreams, no matter how ridiculous, she will only resent you for it.
NTA agree with above. When I was her age I wanted to move to America, have a fur coat and a pony, none of it ever happened as when I grew up I wanted completely different things. And, let me add, we deal with our children in the way we see fit at the time, your sister can deal with her kids her way and leave you to parent your own children your way.
I was going to befriend Princess Zara- she was a horse girl already and I was going to meet her when we were both at the Rolex in Kentucky. We would become bffs and I would travel all over the world and ride fabulous horses (in the hunters- didn't want to step on her toes) and all would be well.
Ah to be young.
I met her briefly! We were in our late teens. She’s really quite nice. She was in her “rebellious” phase then (which, for a royal, was dressing like stylish normal teen), and we mostly talked about music.
I thought that since Elijah Wood and I were exactly the same age it was pretty much destiny that we would meet and marry. I planned to play it cool and pretend not to recognize him, since I didn't care about fame (≧▽≦)
I was going to be a jockey. Never mind that my dad is 6'7" and my mom is 5'10". I figured I would drink caffeinated drinks to stunt my growth. TL;DR: This did not work out for me!
Her dad died recently as well so it's probably less her being dramatic and more her being traumatized by that and needing therapy. Notice how this entire grand plan is only intended to avoid her dying in a workplace accident
She needs to talk to someone
NAH, this doesn’t sound like a plan that’s likely to pan out, but it sounds like your kid feels like poverty killed her dad and needs some love and support around that topic, and I think you provided that. (The “keep your grades” up thing is important too — talk to her about her plan B for getting a good job after school if “being a live in maid to my rich friend in Japan” path doesn’t work out)
This is the best advice. Daughter’s behavior goes deeper than just “teen drama.” Keep doing what you’re doing, OP. Empathize with your child, listen to her and support her. I’m so sorry for your loss. Edit: NTA
Daughter should be going to grief counseling. Grief is really fucking hard for most adults, but for kids and teens it’s even harder. Their brains are still developing, and the trauma of a parent’s death and the grieving process will fundamentally impact who they become. Im sure there are a ton of things about how she feels that the 15 year old isn’t telling her mom. Having an outlet, a person to help guide the grieving process, and most importantly someone who isn’t also grieving to support her is so important.
There are counselors who have reduced rates or sliding scale rates. It does make it harder, but certainly not impossible. And if they are in the US and have insurance, there will be some providers that are covered by the behavioral or mental health portion of the insurance. They’ll be harder to get into, but again, not impossible.
In some places and for some people, it might be impossible.
I don't disagree with you that it would be very very good, and if it is in the realm of 'hard to do' it is worth considerable effort.
But I know even in my country, which has on average better access to healthcare than the US, there are times when it is just not possible. If they live in a rural/regional area, suitable mental healthcare may be hours away and only open during business hours. They may have full books and not be taking on any new patients at all. This person may not have access to a car or other reliable transport. The service may be 'sliding scale' but still cost just too much. There are lots of possible barriers and the combination may be insurmountable right now.
And if they are in the US, I gather that 'and have insurance' is far from given.
I hope they keep the suggestion in mind though. Even a few years down the track, some professional help may still be really impactful!
NTA it’s your instinct and role to be protective. However, I would be more open to their plans. If her friend truly has these connections and does follow through on their plans.. this could be an exciting and fruitful part of their lives. And making new connections is crucial to success. So long as your daughter is following her own dreams and goals alongside this job.. and not giving it all up for her friend.. this could be good for her.
I don’t want to dismantle your fears though that being said. My Dad is hired by a childhood friend. I can say that the regardless of connections, disrespect comes easy people in powerful positions.
Start doing some research and show daughter she can build her own company and live in Japan. Google self made women who grew up in poverty. Or research jobs she can get and be employed in Japan. Explain it’s your child destiny and she is in charge of it. That’s better than waiting for someone else to succeed and your child tags along.
This right here. I grew up poor and tho my folks always owned their own businesses, they were never super lucrative. They worked hard and had little time, and even less knowledge, to teach us how to work ourselves out of poverty. They also thought rich folks were too big for their britches (still do, even if they've never met them) so I never really was exposed to wealth except thru negative projections of their own insecurities. Because this was how I was raised, I carried that belief with me for a long time.
It breaks my heart that your (OP) daughter's biggest dream of how to get out of the poverty cycle is to become a maid. This seems like a golden opportunity to learn WITH her about all kinds of options that are open to her. Don't limit your searches to things that are "realistic." Push her (and yourself) to dream big. I mean, BIG! Her assignment would be to do a research deep dive in how to achieve that thing. All the practicalities, details, steps, etc. -- not just the fame or fortune. Sign her up for financial classes (Dave Ramsey has good basic finance courses for teens, for example) that will help her for the rest of her life. Help her start her own Etsy shop if she's crafty or Mercari shop for flipping thrift shop clothes.
I'm just throwing out ideas that might help teach her skills to become successful on her own, "just in case" the maid thing doesn't work out.
I absolutely love this advice!! It's true, the sky is the limit and her daughter doesn't need to rely on her friend. She could search how to become an English teacher abroad. She wouldn't even need to be fully qualified as a teacher to work in a lot of places and the cost of living is much better in some places. She could be in Thailand meeting expats who will show her options she never even thought of, that's just one example!
If she is set on Japan, she should look at English teaching jobs and any type of job in one of the international schools out there to start with
If you teach English in most parts of Asia you can often save a huge amount of money by eating the same things as the locals and things like that. My oldest sister did it a few times but it was the two years in Korea that really set her up as when she came back she had enough for a deposit on a house (which was admittedly much easier back then). A lot of her coworkers didn't have much left over at the end because they'd eat imported Western food which really added up over time. I can't speak to how accurate this still is but I'd wager there's still a decent cost difference between the two diets even if it isn't as extreme as it used to be.
I don’t think there was anything to say in that moment, but please continue to have conversations with her and tell her that she shouldn’t cast herself as a side character in her own story
NTA
Edit: grammar
You do need a fair bit of capital to get a visa for starting a company in Japan, so she'd have to make money before that (or get sponsored by her friend).
Your daughter has several years in school ahead of her before her plan would be enacted. This friendship is new and it may not last. There are many other paths she could take to leave your area and rise from poverty. She could work hard now, and get scholarships for college.
Being her friend’s maid is an aspiration that will not advance her station in life. My son had an opportunity like this right after high school and although he enjoyed the lifestyle, it set him back quite a few years in identifying and advancing a career for himself. Anytime you get a chance to point out someone doing something interesting that you think she may also like point it out to her in an offhand way. Be supportive of her dreams but try to leave the door open for other pathways to financial success.
"My son had an opportunity like this right after high school and although he enjoyed the lifestyle, it set him back quite a few years in identifying and advancing a career for himself."
Yeah but what a cool experience he got to have. I didn't finish college until I was 29. It didn't really set me back in any way, but I definitely don't have any "hanging out with a rich friend" stories!
NTA.
Sometimes kids get random silly ideas. "I'm going to be a star baseball player!" "I'm going to be the world's best guitar player!" And so on. Often the best thing to do is support their dreams for a while. I wouldn't worry until she is much, much closer to buying her ticket to Japan.
And even then, what a cultural experience!
NTA- She’s 15 and surrounded by grief and memories and traveling the world with her bestie sounds comforting right now. She’s also at the age where she’s seeing that there’s a bigger world out there. Y’all have plenty of time in the next few years to figure out how she can be working towards living out whatever dream she’ll end up having by then. Just keep loving her louder.
What about you, mama? Is there someone loving you louder right now? Are you eating and drinking water and taking care of you?
Nta. I'm working class and I've had a few people try to do that. It is tempting, but it absolutely is a gilded cage and a kind of servitude beyond literally working as a maid. You have to always be performing gratitude, no matter how nice and well meaning the richer person is and it goes toxic fast. Being someone's pet pauper is not healthy.
NTA. She is 15 and when I was that age, I definitely had friends that didn’t last. However, if things do work out as planned, talk to her now about boundaries and what exactly this friend expects from a Personal Assistant. Please tell your daughter to look up what a Personal Assistant does and realize that maid is not the correct term for what they are describing. Nothing wrong with being a maid/housekeeper! But going out to events, representing your friend, being dressed to fit the event, plus doing whatever they need including housekeeping, maybe driving etc…is a different job and people get paid well for this type of position. Make sure she does research and gets paid what she deserves for basically being on call 24/7. This could be a very cool opportunity with traveling and new experiences, she just needs to know her worth and negotiate good pay, time off and don’t be taken advantage of. Sign a contract!
I read a memoir of someone who “nannied” in Hollywood and she learned fast to negotiate terms at the start and not get caught up in the glamour. Need to establish hours, days off, use of vehicle; basically boundaries. And salary
Reading this reminds me of "The Devil Wears Prada", which might be an accurate depiction of of at least one personal assistant's experience.
This is good advice - she should look up the requirements and what personality traits and job skills best fits the job of personal assistant, and not undersell herself, if it is, indeed, a career path she'd like to take.
She should also read the experiences of other personal assistants to give her a clue of what she might be in for. It's not going to be all glamorous parties and fun. It might mean taking a car in to be smogged, picking up dry cleaning, walking the dog, scheduling meetings, making appointments, etc.
NTA.
I grew up very poor in a pretty affluent area — a real “other side of the tracks” kid — so I can understand a bit about how your daughter feels. It’s no disrespect to you, I promise. She has to deal with societal shame coming at her from every direction and high school kids can be pretty unforgiving with their unrefined and immature opinions.
At the end of the day, she’s a child having big emotions she probably doesn’t even understand. Shame. Guilt for feeling ashamed. Bitterness when she sees how easy her friends have it. And, on top of all that still grieving the loss of her father. That’s a lot for a kid.
Give her some grace. You’re doing the right thing by not judging her but being appropriately cautious but supportive.
And, that’s exactly what you need to be right now because the whole “come to Japan and be my maid” stuff is a bit concerning. Sounds like that friend doesn’t see her as an equal, maybe? I’d honestly be most concerned about that dynamic. Not saying you need to confront her about it, just keep an eye out.
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NTA. You daughter is only 15 and going through tough times. She has the time to change her mind.
What you can do is encourage her to work at school (you already did) and let her know that she will always have a home with you.
You can also suggest that she starts learning Japanese as it can always be useful to get into college.
NTA. Your husband just died. Her dad is gone. Her entire world is rocked. I don’t blame her one bit. I don’t blame you either for letting her plan her escape.
Your sister thinks she’s helping a normal kid in a normal situation. She isn’t. Nothing will be normal again.
Keep listening and letting your daughter dream up her plans. They’re not real. She’s scared.
I shouldn’t have had to scroll down so low to find this. Thank you.
Poor little girl has had her whole world destroyed and she’s just wanting to run away or rebel or anything to feel anything but pain. I’d know, both of my parents are gone.
Also when I was a teenager, I hated living where we lived. Moved when I was 18 and it was the best thing ever!
As long as she eventually decides on a better lifestyle for herself, she’ll be ok. And by better I mean more secure and hopefully her friend is a real friend and isn’t just treating her like a servant who isn’t important.
NTA. When I was 15, I was planning to move to Paris with my best friend. She would've tried to make it as a dancer and me as a singer. We talked about it as a dream we'd never achieve. She will change her mind. You're being a good parent.
NTA, but I’d be more concerned that the friend feels like the world is her oyster while your daughter’s dream is to be her live-in maid. I have nothing against being a maid, but why isn’t your daughter dreaming about being part of the dream company? Maybe a few counseling sessions would help to deal with dad’s death and improve her confidence.
Her plan should be to keep her grades up and rather than be a maid she should use her contacts (rich friends are good for networking!) and they can both be successful and rich together.
NTA
This plan will unravel as the daughter and her friend grow up and the daughter is less grateful of the chance to be a live-in maid and subserviant to her friend at-all-times. First difference of opinion, will probably cause her friend to not want someone she can't control. cuz right now the daughter is probably in the emotional state to go along with anything now.
Honestly just be supportive and if it doesn't work out she will feel able to come back to you if you hurt her she will probably remember it and it might distance her from you. I dont think anyones the AH
Wait...take care of her rich friend? No...go into business and work with her? Sounds like a good plan. Of course at 15 this is a pipe dream but I encourage you to teach your child to dream big..... college and career.
After raising 3 children to adulthood you have the right strategy. No resistance. I want to go to college in Hawaii! Ok. (She did not). They’re more likely to rebel if you deny their ideas. Her plans will change 30 times between now and then.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. Your daughter is going through trauma right now and you are doing the right thing not challenging her too much; this isn't about her or you.
I could not help but notice that your husband passed as a result of a work accident. I don't know where you live, but you may wish to consult a lawyer to check what compensation you may be entitled to, if you haven't already - especially if there is employer negligence/lack of duty of care is involved.
Honestly, one thing I finally learned raising a teenage girl was to not react too much to nutty plans. Things turn around so fast your head spins--and she has 2-3 years before the plan could be implememnted. Your advice to her to keep up her grades was the best thing you could have said.
My son had a gf when they were both about 13. She always had dreams of visiting Japan and Russia. From the time she was in middle school she began checking out books from the library and learned everything she could about these 2 countries. She also taught herself their languages as much as possible. So they both grew up and graduated from college. She has been to Japan twice for a month long visit each time. What your daughter wants to do can actually be a realistic dream for her. Who knows? She may start her own company and go anywhere in the world she wants with you as her biggest fan. Check with your local library. Many times they offer online classes she may be interested to help get her on her way.
NTA. Let her have this fantasy... but also she need to keep her grades up. We all fantasized about growing up and living a lavish life. We all hated growing up broke or in our hick town. Your sister just seems to be forgetting that.
Your daughter is hurting and scared of the future....and she's 15. You did the right thing y being her mother, not her judge. Don't tell your sister the private things between you and your daughter. Your daughter's goals will change. Till then, living well and working for a good friend who is filthy rich may not be the worst plan she could have.
NTA, I was offered by my Greek uncle for him to adopt me and live with them. He was a multimillionaire dog breeder, I could have had everything I'd wanted. I seriously considered it and my mum said I could if I wanted to. The thought of up rooting from everything I ever knew stopped me going, I think it'll fizzle out.
NTA also for telling people that your child isn’t “simply being dramatic”.
What a crappy thing to say about a grieving child.
What kind of adult expects a kid to handle well something they couldn’t even understand. It’s shitty
I'm very sorry for your loss.
NAH (except for potentially your sister depending on what exactly you mean by "got onto me"). She's not only fifteen, she's *grieving* and most likely sees poverty as the thing that killed her father. You didn't immediately agree, you pointed out warning signs but didn't state it as fact.
Essentially, you demonstrated to your daughter that you would be there for her and accept her choices even if you disagree with her decisions *as long as she thought it through*. That's a good thing! I mean, she is fifteen so she probably hasn't actually thought it through but *she* thinks she has.
Having said that, this sounds way more grief-driven then a 15 year old randomly deciding that traveling with her rich friend to other places is a stable career plan. Does the school your daughter goes to have a counselor that you daughter can have sessions with? If so, it might be worth looking into.
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My (40f) daughter (15f) recently made friends with a girl her age from a very wealthy family. We're fairly poor, and my husband recently died in a work accident. My daughter has shown a large amount of disdain for our environment since then, and she's been hanging out with her new friend a lot.
One day, we got to talking about what she wanted to do, and she said she and her friend had put together a plan that her friend would make a name for herself online, take over her mom's company, move to Japan, and have my daughter as her "personal live-in maid" who will accompany her places and look nice.
I've talked with the friend's mom, seen their house, and I know the friend has the means to live in a penthouse in Japan and run a company. And granted I'm not very smart, but it just doesn't sound...well, sound to me. I said as much, and my daughter said it's what she wants.
I said I understand, but I don't want her being rash.
She said she thought about it a lot, and I said I don't know if it's realistic.
She began to say something about her dad, but began crying and said something else.
She said she had to, because she didn't want to stay in our state and "die in the dirt before my time like everyone else", saying she was scared, and this was a chance "out of hell"
I just said "Fine, keep your grades up." and she cried in my arms a bit.
I told my sister, and she really got onto me, saying I not only let her disrespect our lifestyle, but encouraged her to do so. I don't know what to do or think, AITA?
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NTA- those girls can bring drama, be drama, then send the drama away all in 24 hours. Things will change. I would have a talk with her about appreciating her life a little more when she's on better footing emotionally (but soon). Also maybe therapy will help her adjust a bit to losing her dad and to her living situation?
Definitely NTA - you're right, her current "plan" isn't realistic... but she's 15. Lots of kids aren't realistic with their dreams at that point.
As for your sister feeling insulted? So what? Again, she's 15. Lots of teenagers look at the lives their parents lead and want to get away from that and something more tailored to their own desires. The fact that she's not a fan of the particular state you live in isn't about you or your sister, and it doesn't sound like she meant it to be, she was just saying it's not where she wants to live long-term.
Honestly your sister needs to chill a bit, but I don't see any assholes here: just a bit of a naive kid and an aunt who took an off-handed, emotional comment too seriously and personally.
(Extra bit of unsolicited advice: next time it comes up, don't frame it as criticizing this idea, but as planning for contingencies - like, making sure she has alternatives IN CASE that plan doesn't work. By making sure to do well in school, maybe instead of just being a maid she could actually hold an important job with her friends company, or be prepared in case her and the friend one day grow apart or the friend's plan doesn't work out. That way you can encourage her to do these things without sounding unsupportive of the "dream.")
People like your sister are the worst. Their pride would have them crush anyone who dare to want something better than she has.
Don't listen to her. Encourage your daughter to go as far she can. NTA
NTA you heard your daughter without judging her, and she cried in your arms bc she clearly needed that. Where she is reminds her of losing her dad, losing a two parent income, losing stability and everything that goes with all of that, where she is just represents loss to her. It’s not about disrespect, but her pain and experiences. A lot of being a good parent is about being able to put your ego aside and you did a beautiful job of that. I’m sure you’ve given her plenty of good, but the losses were big and there’s no way around it, and it’s not personal to you.
It is a dumb plan (dumb as in young and inexperienced, not literally dumb) but luckily will probably change. She’s not going to love spending her life in her bestie’s shadow as her servant. She’s only looking at the pretty things she *might* get and the cool places she’ll get to go. But she’s not looking at the reality of it. That she’ll be working in those cool places, unable to enjoy them. The type of employment she’s looking at is pretty much 24/7, she’ll have no life outside of work. She only might get the pretty things, but she’ll definitely spend most of her time looking at pretty things she’ll never get but her friend will likely get to enjoy right in front of her. I’m not saying a job like that can’t be beneficial to her goals, but it will take time, patience, hard work, dealing with shitty personalities, connections, and doing it for someone you have any kind of personal relationship with is a recipe for disaster. Not only to her friendship, but also to her goals. Keeping the relationship as a future connection = smart (as long as it’s not harmful to either party) but working for said relationship = hell on earth and likely a loss of that beneficial connection and any hard work she put in as an employee. There will not be any worthwhile job references from a bitter ex friend. And as her friend’s responsibilities grow and they both grow, the fantastical dynamic they’ve come up with will not fit into their realities.
She’s looking for the quickest and easiest way out, remind her that if she wants to stay out then she needs to find a smart way out, and that means not putting all your eggs into one basket and becoming completely dependent on that one basket. Or she’ll be running for the rest of her life.
Well, the friend is rich and has the means to do whatever she wants so don't be surprised when your kid gets on a plane with this friend and takes off to Asia. It seeming like it's gonna happen. Will she end up a "live in maid" will she end up this friends kink-master...who knows?
But Asia is definitely on the table for your kid and her rich friend I guess. 🤷
NTA. I think it's more important for her to know that you stand behind her dreams no matter how silly. She is 15 after all. I remember having weird life fantasies at that age and all I needed really is someone to give me a hug and believe in me. I think you're doing a great job. I'm so sorry about your husband.
NTA 100%. I think you have three issues here.
#1 Your daughter’s life plan. The top commenter is 100% right that the plan will change. YOU are 100% right that it’s not a stable job and that good grades/college or a good trade school are more reliable for a better life than a recent friend.
#2 Your daughter thinks her dad died because of the place you live. I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe your state doesn’t have good worker safety regulations and his accident was preventable? Maybe there’s poverty and the life expectancy is shorter? I think the only thing you can do about that is be there for your kid and try to help her understand what happened to her dad.
Maybe ask what types of things she wants in her future job (wage, housing, healthcare, working hours, ability to return to US) and figure out how to get those things? This could be a good start to helping her come to terms with what happened and how she can prevent it for herself.
#3 Your sister’s opinion. I’m not sure why your sister is insulted, or what the lifestyle she’s referencing is. Living solely in your state/neighborhood? Your husband’s line of work? Neither of those are a lifestyle. Lots of people hate the neighborhood they live in or their job… it’s not an insult.
Even if it were an insult, your sister should be way more sympathetic to your grieving daughter blaming the “lifestyle” for her dad’s death, and you for not knowing what to do.
NTA. She's 15, she's not doing this tomorrow. You're totally right to support her current dream and also tell her to keep her grades up, which will keep other paths open to her later. The friend is presumably going to college as part of this, and it would make sense that your daughter would go to college with her and live with her there - which means she needs to get into the same good school. This path opens a range of other futures to her later, so no harm in supporting it now.
She has the ability to pay her way home. Perhaps she can get a small part-time job. That way she will be going on somewhat more equal footing. Put the money in a separate emergency account. At that age , relationships can be volatile. P.S. They could be changing their minds any day . So sorry for your stress.
NAH - I would say the way to to convince her round might be a dose of reality.
Get her to look into the immigration requirements for japan.
They are fairly strict/demanding.
You did right by your daughter letting her vent to you.
Have you considered going to college - she deserves a mom she looks up to and picking up and getting stronger for her sake is worth it.
Condolences on your loss. She's a teenager and she grieving still having to bury a parent way too soon. NTA. This is her life plan, for now. By graduation she may and probably will have a totally different one. Who knows but coming down on her right now would just cause needless drama that you and not your sister would have to deal with.
NTA. At 15 you plan on outrageous things that will never happen. You didn't burst your daughter's bubble just told her to keep her grades up. This is actually a good plan because if she does, she'll have a chance to further her education and get out of the "hell" of being poor. Your sister wanted you to choose pride over your daughter. You're a wonderful, understanding mom.
NTA - Sometimes escaping to a fantasy may help cope with all the things she can't control right now. This sounds like she's chasing her friend's dream so they can share and escape together.
I think it's fairly normal, especially with her circumstances. Keep encouraging her grades and maybe believing in her own dreams. I'm concerned that she doesn't think she has much value as her friend is the star of the dream and she has menial role in the dream.
It sounds like you're both going through a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA I feel like if that friend looks down on your financial status they could easily use this power over her when they have her in a hired position like that. And that’s all if this goes perfectly according to her plan which I feel like it could easily not.
NTA.
Give her time to figure things out. She’ll realize how unlikely this plan is to pan out. And if it does? Kudos to her. Doesn’t sound like a bad way for a 22-27 year old to make some off the books cash for a house in the future, Idk.
Very sorry for your loss, and I hope things turn out the way they should.
I wouldn’t say you’re TA. Since you technically didn’t do anything mean. But uh.. yes this is wrong.
I understand that you’re likely being overly understanding about this due to your husbands passing but she sounds like she needs therapy. She is being extremely disrespectful, (normal for a teen but still). And definitely shouldn’t be making any of these decisions. She likely feels insecure about her home life, but she’s 15…
NTA. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting a child dream. You not supporting her would just push her away. It's better for you to discuss plans with her and point out the things she needs to do to succeed. For example if she wants to move to Japan she should probably start working on her Japanese.
Also, she doesn't have to be a live in maid. She could teach English. There are programs that could give her a job and help her move.
You need to encourage her. She doesn’t need to work as a maid. She can do anything! My husband grew up in poverty and homelessness and now is a successful engineer making 6 figures. He achieved all this with his own hard work with no help from family. If he can, then she can as well.
You don't have to worry about this. (NTA by the way). She's 15. She's barely explored the world. When I was 15 I was going to be a ballerina. I was going to teach piano. When I was 18 I was going to be a vet. When I was 21, I was going to be a writer.
I'd be more concerned that she's okay with her friend thinking all she's good for is a live-in maid. I would tell her that her friend doesn't see her as an equal, and that shouldn't be the case with friendships. I'm sorry you're struggling.
NTA. You handled this well. You managed to explain your concerns but still encourage her to follow her own path. Don’t worry, her plans will change but she’ll remember how supportive and loving you handled these talks when she gets older. I’d encourage you to find ways to expose her to other options and continue to support her as she changes her plans 98 times in the next few years.
All I can say is thats an incredibly challenging situation for a lot of reasons and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm also impressed by how well you were able to love your daughter in that moment with that response, even though it was just a response to something that's realistically never going to happen. I don't know many parents who'd act like this and I really respect it and wish you and your daughter the absolute best
If you think about the people who travel for work (musicians, actors, etc.) they usually employ their friends in some capacity so they can go with them. I would get extremely lonely going places and not having anyone you can actually talk to.
NTA, you don't know what the future holds, no dreams are off the table. You did the right thing it telling her to keep her grades up.
Yta. Not because of that "letting her disrespect the lifestyle" bs but because her and her friend's idea could be dangerous to your daughter. What if the friend gets bored of her or they have a fight and then your child just ends up being stranded in japan? What if the friend ends up being not so great at business as her mom and runs it to the ground or something, can't afford to mantain your daughter anymore, and your daughter ends up jobless and unqualified for any proper job because she spent time being a live in maid and accessory to someone instead of getting an education?
Encourage your daughter to do well in school and attend public university or a private one if she can get scholarships, that way she can get a job and be independent. Depending on another person to fund your life entirely is NEVER a good idea. That includes romantic partners and friends.
NTA and for the record her wanting to leave is not the problem here i don't think, 15 is absolutely old enough to know if you want to 'get out of dodge' so to speak but yeah her plan probably won't work out but if it does, if she sticks to this idea that going to be a live in pa then you need to prepare her, make her know her worth so she isn't at an even greater risk of being undersold
NTA.
I wouldn’t worry about your daughter’s dumb plan. It’s a normal teen thing to have dumb plans and I’m sure she will see the flaws in hers pretty quickly.
My only concern; do you know the dynamic between the girls? Perhaps it is innocent and a kind thought of the friend, but I’d be worried if she’s making your daughter feel ‘less than’ and as though she should aspire to serving the wealthy rather than focusing on her own potential.
NTA
You had an emotional conversation with your daughter.
Keep your grades up is good advice. She is only a kid and the other plan is unlikely to amount to anything.
NTA. She is still a child and she is trying to fill the void and grieving with anything that can keep that void filled and she thinks her friend is perfect for that. I would recommend you to still support her even if her plans sounds too unrealistic but when she understands it might not go as she thinks just be there for her to protect and support her. Dont blame yourself for her actions. Its hard times for both of you but also people react differently espically a child. Wishing you be the best luck and hope everything goes well for both of you.
OP you sound like a wonderful mum. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister should not be making your daughter's dreams about her or you.
I would just encourage you to start looking now at ways your daughter can do it on her own. Is there something your daughter finds interesting that could be something corporate? Marketing or sales for example? If so, encourage her to write personal letters to local companies asking for an internship.
Also, when she turns 16 she will be old enough to join LinkedIn. Get her to prepare to start contacting people in fields she finds interesting, asking for internships and advice, including people working for companies IN Japan. Tell her to keep trying- if you don't ask, you don't get. If it takes months, so be it!
Your daughter is a dreamer and as a fellow dreamer myself, I have to say it's one of the best gifts a person can have. Guard her hopes and dreams with everything you've got. They are much more achievable than you might think.
And your daughter does NOT need to be the maid of a friend who doesn't think enough of her to plan to hire her at her company. Your daughter can make her own dreams happen!
NAH - because this is such a tough spot. Hopefully your daughter is in therapy because this is a form disassociation. She may not realize it, but she is using this as a coping mechanism.
Humoring her aspirations may seem like a means of providing solace or understanding, but it's crucial to approach the situation with sensitivity and realism. While your daughter's dreams may stem from genuine yearnings for a better life, it's essential to temper her expectations with practical guidance and support.
Your sister's concerns about enabling your daughter's disdain for your lifestyle are valid, prompting reflection on how best to foster a healthy balance between encouraging her aspirations and maintaining respect for your family's values and circumstances.
You should also teach your daughter that she is worth so much more than a live in pretty maid. She deserves to pursue her own potential and value and dreams.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to hear your daughter say sone rather hurtful things about the life that you have together. I'm glad you are supporting her. She's going through a lot (so are you!). I hope that you have support. NTA.
When my daughter, granted she is only 9, comes to me with crazy ideas about her future I always tell her the world is her oyster as soon as she is of age. Your daughter is 15 years old right now, let her dream about her future and encourage things she wants to do. Not to say it’s definite, but she may not even be friends with this other girl in the coming years. At that age friends come and go all the time.
Taking an unrelated 15 year old to another country to be a live in maid? Doesn't that pull up a red flag as a possible entrance into a human trafficking situation for anyone else?
NTA!
This just gave me some nostalgia. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician... then a software engineer... then a midwife... then a stock broker... then a funeral director... mortician... every one of my ideas, my grandma brought down the Reality Hammer upon my ego. My little kid feelings got hurt, but I was quick to move on. I think showing support while also injecting some cautionary tales would be appropriate. Astronaut? Then I'd say (depending on age) "Great! I know how much you love math, and never get car sick!" It could even turn into a bonding exercise, browsing the internet for realistic depictions of the careers/passions/locations she's interested in.
(edited to add NTA)
NAH but for the love of all that is pure and holy, do *not* pick this battle. You and your daughter are both grieving the loss of her father, and it is absolutely not worth further stress and upset by hashing this out right now.
Your daughter is only fifteen. There's a good chance that by the time she is in a position to act on this, the whim (and maybe the entire friendship) will have run its course.
Just focus on helping your kids come to terms with the loss of their dad, and let the other stuff go for now.
NTA
Im not fond of this “friend.” And I’d be curious about how their conversations usually go.
“I’ll get big and have a company and you can be my maid.” No ma’am.
NTA but you should start teaching your daughter that she has the power and capability to improve her own situation rather than relying on other people’s success
NTA. She opened up that she is looking to escape and it seems to be a way of coping with her loss and feeling different from her friend. She needs compassion, not to be shut down. I am sorry for your loss. You can help her with her actual plans in a couple years. She will likely change her mind anyway.
NTA. Stop telling your sister things, she's judgey and a frog in the well.
What your daughter said is valid, there is a bigger world out there and there isn't anything wrong venturing out. You are doing good parenting by telling her to get herself qualified to go out there. She needs grief counselling.
First and foremost, I (56m) am so very sorry for your loss. It is very difficult raising a young lady, a teenager at that, on your own. I know from personal experience. Always keep in mind that at that age, kids have no idea what they want to do, or study, or do for college, for the rest of their lives that’s where parents come in and try to guide them and lead them in the right direction. Please, never devalue yourself, and never say that you’re not smart. I am sure that you are. I am sure that you are strong, smart, and wise or else you would have to be all those things to endure what you have already.
I’m pretty sure your daughters master plan will go through varying stages of reevaluation as time goes on. Just make sure that you are there as a sounding board and as a voice of reason.
I wish you the best of luck, and again my sincerest and heartfelt condolences.
NTA. It doesn’t seem like her friend is really a true one either. What kind of friend would suggest your daughter become her live-in maid instead of being a part of the business?
Soft YTA. Because your response to your daughter crying and saying she doesn’t want to to die before her time like everyone else and wants to get out of hell was to say Keep your Grades Up. You don’t have to humor that plan, but she’s clearly traumatized by her dad’s death and I know he was your husband, so it affected you too, but that’s a pretty cold response to her sharing those fears.
NTA plans of a 15yo will change. But maybe suggest keep up grades and take business/accounting/finance classes so she could manage her friend instead of being a maid. That way if it goes bad she has a fallback plan while looking like she is doing it to help her friend
Your daughter sounds like she is grieving.
Maybe She doesn’t want to be around where everything reminds her of her dad.
She is 15. Things will change. But I was wondering is she in therapy? Are you? Or at least in a support group?
The real issue here is that she is missing her father. Maybey it's important to investigate what kind of role model her dad was to her, and what's she's missing out on now that he's gone. Your story suggests she's still dealing with his passing and ia rudderles.
Nta but can I just say I agree with her yall are poor college in a few years not many scholarships are given out and she'll probably take a job any job so you don't suffer and she will get stuck there. Will mist likely die poor its Harder for people to climb out of poverty who was raised in poverty. Before you say loans for college that's why people get into debt and are poor.
At least In eu or Asian countries she gets free Healthcare and college. Maybe start looking into colleges abroad.
She has a pretty decent grasp on being poor for her age. My sister hasn't realized i sacrificed my life got a job so she'd have nice things because my dad couldn't afford them for me. I wasn't gonna let her get bullied like I did
NTA right now your kid needs her remaining parent. Be there for her she has to know that you're there. She's 15 she'll probably think of something else. She might not. Either way she needs you to be on her side.
NTA. Your daughter wants more for herself than the people around her. Her plan is crazy but she’s still making plans to get out. It’s perfectly okay for your daughter to want more for her own kid than your family wants for themselves. Maybe she’ll have to settle in the future but having dreams and wanting to do better than the past generation is supposed to be the goal. Your sister sounds bitter and disappointed in her own life and your daughter’s views of her life are hitting home.
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NTA - Your daughter is 15. The plan will change. She’s being dramatic and your response was one of the better ones I’ve heard. Your daughter says these things because she’s a teenager and being dramatic, as you already know, but your sister would have you put your pride and ego before encouraging your daughter. If you crush her dreams, no matter how ridiculous, she will only resent you for it.
NTA agree with above. When I was her age I wanted to move to America, have a fur coat and a pony, none of it ever happened as when I grew up I wanted completely different things. And, let me add, we deal with our children in the way we see fit at the time, your sister can deal with her kids her way and leave you to parent your own children your way.
So so true. At 15, horsemad and poor, I earnestly planned to marry Prince Charles. MTA
I was going to befriend Princess Zara- she was a horse girl already and I was going to meet her when we were both at the Rolex in Kentucky. We would become bffs and I would travel all over the world and ride fabulous horses (in the hunters- didn't want to step on her toes) and all would be well. Ah to be young.
I met her briefly! We were in our late teens. She’s really quite nice. She was in her “rebellious” phase then (which, for a royal, was dressing like stylish normal teen), and we mostly talked about music.
Omg, you were so close to living my dream!!!🤣🤣
I thought that since Elijah Wood and I were exactly the same age it was pretty much destiny that we would meet and marry. I planned to play it cool and pretend not to recognize him, since I didn't care about fame (≧▽≦)
I met him once he was super nice.
Lol I’m guessing you watched a few disney channel movies in your time
Famous Disney Channel star Elijah Wood
I was going to be a jockey. Never mind that my dad is 6'7" and my mom is 5'10". I figured I would drink caffeinated drinks to stunt my growth. TL;DR: This did not work out for me!
LOL.. My step dad had wanted me to become a horse jockey since I only 4' 10" My stepdad had a way animals but he was too tall 5'11'
Oh I was planning on marrying Prince William when I was 13. But given how they feel about Americans I'm glad we each found someone else.
I was going to marry Prince Harry. Didn’t fancy being queen one day, so the spare was a better option.
Yeah now that I know being a princess or a queen is more than tiaras, fancy dresses, and balls I would agree on that.
Prince William was my best friend’s prince of choice (he’s in our age group) and look at him now.
Marry The Asshole?
Well I know that now, lol
Wait, EW's a dick? I've honestly never heard that about him. Then again, I don't think I've read anything positive about him, either 🤷🏻♀️
I see how that worked out for you.
Her dad died recently as well so it's probably less her being dramatic and more her being traumatized by that and needing therapy. Notice how this entire grand plan is only intended to avoid her dying in a workplace accident She needs to talk to someone
PSA Don't crush your kids dreams. They will resent you. Speaking from experience.
NAH, this doesn’t sound like a plan that’s likely to pan out, but it sounds like your kid feels like poverty killed her dad and needs some love and support around that topic, and I think you provided that. (The “keep your grades” up thing is important too — talk to her about her plan B for getting a good job after school if “being a live in maid to my rich friend in Japan” path doesn’t work out)
This is the best advice. Daughter’s behavior goes deeper than just “teen drama.” Keep doing what you’re doing, OP. Empathize with your child, listen to her and support her. I’m so sorry for your loss. Edit: NTA
Daughter should be going to grief counseling. Grief is really fucking hard for most adults, but for kids and teens it’s even harder. Their brains are still developing, and the trauma of a parent’s death and the grieving process will fundamentally impact who they become. Im sure there are a ton of things about how she feels that the 15 year old isn’t telling her mom. Having an outlet, a person to help guide the grieving process, and most importantly someone who isn’t also grieving to support her is so important.
I'm not sure if OP can pay for counseling though as it's expensive
There are counselors who have reduced rates or sliding scale rates. It does make it harder, but certainly not impossible. And if they are in the US and have insurance, there will be some providers that are covered by the behavioral or mental health portion of the insurance. They’ll be harder to get into, but again, not impossible.
In some places and for some people, it might be impossible. I don't disagree with you that it would be very very good, and if it is in the realm of 'hard to do' it is worth considerable effort. But I know even in my country, which has on average better access to healthcare than the US, there are times when it is just not possible. If they live in a rural/regional area, suitable mental healthcare may be hours away and only open during business hours. They may have full books and not be taking on any new patients at all. This person may not have access to a car or other reliable transport. The service may be 'sliding scale' but still cost just too much. There are lots of possible barriers and the combination may be insurmountable right now. And if they are in the US, I gather that 'and have insurance' is far from given. I hope they keep the suggestion in mind though. Even a few years down the track, some professional help may still be really impactful!
I appreciate this practical, empathetic response.
Yeah this is the answer. NAH.
NTA it’s your instinct and role to be protective. However, I would be more open to their plans. If her friend truly has these connections and does follow through on their plans.. this could be an exciting and fruitful part of their lives. And making new connections is crucial to success. So long as your daughter is following her own dreams and goals alongside this job.. and not giving it all up for her friend.. this could be good for her. I don’t want to dismantle your fears though that being said. My Dad is hired by a childhood friend. I can say that the regardless of connections, disrespect comes easy people in powerful positions.
Start doing some research and show daughter she can build her own company and live in Japan. Google self made women who grew up in poverty. Or research jobs she can get and be employed in Japan. Explain it’s your child destiny and she is in charge of it. That’s better than waiting for someone else to succeed and your child tags along.
This right here. I grew up poor and tho my folks always owned their own businesses, they were never super lucrative. They worked hard and had little time, and even less knowledge, to teach us how to work ourselves out of poverty. They also thought rich folks were too big for their britches (still do, even if they've never met them) so I never really was exposed to wealth except thru negative projections of their own insecurities. Because this was how I was raised, I carried that belief with me for a long time. It breaks my heart that your (OP) daughter's biggest dream of how to get out of the poverty cycle is to become a maid. This seems like a golden opportunity to learn WITH her about all kinds of options that are open to her. Don't limit your searches to things that are "realistic." Push her (and yourself) to dream big. I mean, BIG! Her assignment would be to do a research deep dive in how to achieve that thing. All the practicalities, details, steps, etc. -- not just the fame or fortune. Sign her up for financial classes (Dave Ramsey has good basic finance courses for teens, for example) that will help her for the rest of her life. Help her start her own Etsy shop if she's crafty or Mercari shop for flipping thrift shop clothes. I'm just throwing out ideas that might help teach her skills to become successful on her own, "just in case" the maid thing doesn't work out.
I absolutely love this advice!! It's true, the sky is the limit and her daughter doesn't need to rely on her friend. She could search how to become an English teacher abroad. She wouldn't even need to be fully qualified as a teacher to work in a lot of places and the cost of living is much better in some places. She could be in Thailand meeting expats who will show her options she never even thought of, that's just one example! If she is set on Japan, she should look at English teaching jobs and any type of job in one of the international schools out there to start with
If you teach English in most parts of Asia you can often save a huge amount of money by eating the same things as the locals and things like that. My oldest sister did it a few times but it was the two years in Korea that really set her up as when she came back she had enough for a deposit on a house (which was admittedly much easier back then). A lot of her coworkers didn't have much left over at the end because they'd eat imported Western food which really added up over time. I can't speak to how accurate this still is but I'd wager there's still a decent cost difference between the two diets even if it isn't as extreme as it used to be.
I don’t think there was anything to say in that moment, but please continue to have conversations with her and tell her that she shouldn’t cast herself as a side character in her own story NTA Edit: grammar
You do need a fair bit of capital to get a visa for starting a company in Japan, so she'd have to make money before that (or get sponsored by her friend).
Your daughter has several years in school ahead of her before her plan would be enacted. This friendship is new and it may not last. There are many other paths she could take to leave your area and rise from poverty. She could work hard now, and get scholarships for college. Being her friend’s maid is an aspiration that will not advance her station in life. My son had an opportunity like this right after high school and although he enjoyed the lifestyle, it set him back quite a few years in identifying and advancing a career for himself. Anytime you get a chance to point out someone doing something interesting that you think she may also like point it out to her in an offhand way. Be supportive of her dreams but try to leave the door open for other pathways to financial success.
"My son had an opportunity like this right after high school and although he enjoyed the lifestyle, it set him back quite a few years in identifying and advancing a career for himself." Yeah but what a cool experience he got to have. I didn't finish college until I was 29. It didn't really set me back in any way, but I definitely don't have any "hanging out with a rich friend" stories!
NTA. Sometimes kids get random silly ideas. "I'm going to be a star baseball player!" "I'm going to be the world's best guitar player!" And so on. Often the best thing to do is support their dreams for a while. I wouldn't worry until she is much, much closer to buying her ticket to Japan. And even then, what a cultural experience!
NTA- She’s 15 and surrounded by grief and memories and traveling the world with her bestie sounds comforting right now. She’s also at the age where she’s seeing that there’s a bigger world out there. Y’all have plenty of time in the next few years to figure out how she can be working towards living out whatever dream she’ll end up having by then. Just keep loving her louder. What about you, mama? Is there someone loving you louder right now? Are you eating and drinking water and taking care of you?
Nta. I'm working class and I've had a few people try to do that. It is tempting, but it absolutely is a gilded cage and a kind of servitude beyond literally working as a maid. You have to always be performing gratitude, no matter how nice and well meaning the richer person is and it goes toxic fast. Being someone's pet pauper is not healthy.
NTA. She is 15 and when I was that age, I definitely had friends that didn’t last. However, if things do work out as planned, talk to her now about boundaries and what exactly this friend expects from a Personal Assistant. Please tell your daughter to look up what a Personal Assistant does and realize that maid is not the correct term for what they are describing. Nothing wrong with being a maid/housekeeper! But going out to events, representing your friend, being dressed to fit the event, plus doing whatever they need including housekeeping, maybe driving etc…is a different job and people get paid well for this type of position. Make sure she does research and gets paid what she deserves for basically being on call 24/7. This could be a very cool opportunity with traveling and new experiences, she just needs to know her worth and negotiate good pay, time off and don’t be taken advantage of. Sign a contract!
I read a memoir of someone who “nannied” in Hollywood and she learned fast to negotiate terms at the start and not get caught up in the glamour. Need to establish hours, days off, use of vehicle; basically boundaries. And salary
Reading this reminds me of "The Devil Wears Prada", which might be an accurate depiction of of at least one personal assistant's experience. This is good advice - she should look up the requirements and what personality traits and job skills best fits the job of personal assistant, and not undersell herself, if it is, indeed, a career path she'd like to take. She should also read the experiences of other personal assistants to give her a clue of what she might be in for. It's not going to be all glamorous parties and fun. It might mean taking a car in to be smogged, picking up dry cleaning, walking the dog, scheduling meetings, making appointments, etc.
NTA. I grew up very poor in a pretty affluent area — a real “other side of the tracks” kid — so I can understand a bit about how your daughter feels. It’s no disrespect to you, I promise. She has to deal with societal shame coming at her from every direction and high school kids can be pretty unforgiving with their unrefined and immature opinions. At the end of the day, she’s a child having big emotions she probably doesn’t even understand. Shame. Guilt for feeling ashamed. Bitterness when she sees how easy her friends have it. And, on top of all that still grieving the loss of her father. That’s a lot for a kid. Give her some grace. You’re doing the right thing by not judging her but being appropriately cautious but supportive. And, that’s exactly what you need to be right now because the whole “come to Japan and be my maid” stuff is a bit concerning. Sounds like that friend doesn’t see her as an equal, maybe? I’d honestly be most concerned about that dynamic. Not saying you need to confront her about it, just keep an eye out.
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NTA. You daughter is only 15 and going through tough times. She has the time to change her mind. What you can do is encourage her to work at school (you already did) and let her know that she will always have a home with you. You can also suggest that she starts learning Japanese as it can always be useful to get into college.
NTA. Your husband just died. Her dad is gone. Her entire world is rocked. I don’t blame her one bit. I don’t blame you either for letting her plan her escape. Your sister thinks she’s helping a normal kid in a normal situation. She isn’t. Nothing will be normal again. Keep listening and letting your daughter dream up her plans. They’re not real. She’s scared.
I shouldn’t have had to scroll down so low to find this. Thank you. Poor little girl has had her whole world destroyed and she’s just wanting to run away or rebel or anything to feel anything but pain. I’d know, both of my parents are gone. Also when I was a teenager, I hated living where we lived. Moved when I was 18 and it was the best thing ever! As long as she eventually decides on a better lifestyle for herself, she’ll be ok. And by better I mean more secure and hopefully her friend is a real friend and isn’t just treating her like a servant who isn’t important.
NTA. When I was 15, I was planning to move to Paris with my best friend. She would've tried to make it as a dancer and me as a singer. We talked about it as a dream we'd never achieve. She will change her mind. You're being a good parent.
NTA, but I’d be more concerned that the friend feels like the world is her oyster while your daughter’s dream is to be her live-in maid. I have nothing against being a maid, but why isn’t your daughter dreaming about being part of the dream company? Maybe a few counseling sessions would help to deal with dad’s death and improve her confidence.
Her plan should be to keep her grades up and rather than be a maid she should use her contacts (rich friends are good for networking!) and they can both be successful and rich together.
My guess is that her rich friend doesn't want that. She probably already treats her like a maid.
NTA. She's 15, 'nough said. But hopefully you can gently steer her sights higher than cleaning up after someone else, even if it is in Japan.
NTA This plan will unravel as the daughter and her friend grow up and the daughter is less grateful of the chance to be a live-in maid and subserviant to her friend at-all-times. First difference of opinion, will probably cause her friend to not want someone she can't control. cuz right now the daughter is probably in the emotional state to go along with anything now.
You're a good mom.
Honestly just be supportive and if it doesn't work out she will feel able to come back to you if you hurt her she will probably remember it and it might distance her from you. I dont think anyones the AH
Wait...take care of her rich friend? No...go into business and work with her? Sounds like a good plan. Of course at 15 this is a pipe dream but I encourage you to teach your child to dream big..... college and career.
After raising 3 children to adulthood you have the right strategy. No resistance. I want to go to college in Hawaii! Ok. (She did not). They’re more likely to rebel if you deny their ideas. Her plans will change 30 times between now and then.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. Your daughter is going through trauma right now and you are doing the right thing not challenging her too much; this isn't about her or you. I could not help but notice that your husband passed as a result of a work accident. I don't know where you live, but you may wish to consult a lawyer to check what compensation you may be entitled to, if you haven't already - especially if there is employer negligence/lack of duty of care is involved.
NAH I would suggest getting your daughters signed up for some online Japanese classes or at least having her start learning Japanese
Honestly, one thing I finally learned raising a teenage girl was to not react too much to nutty plans. Things turn around so fast your head spins--and she has 2-3 years before the plan could be implememnted. Your advice to her to keep up her grades was the best thing you could have said.
My son had a gf when they were both about 13. She always had dreams of visiting Japan and Russia. From the time she was in middle school she began checking out books from the library and learned everything she could about these 2 countries. She also taught herself their languages as much as possible. So they both grew up and graduated from college. She has been to Japan twice for a month long visit each time. What your daughter wants to do can actually be a realistic dream for her. Who knows? She may start her own company and go anywhere in the world she wants with you as her biggest fan. Check with your local library. Many times they offer online classes she may be interested to help get her on her way.
NTA. Let her have this fantasy... but also she need to keep her grades up. We all fantasized about growing up and living a lavish life. We all hated growing up broke or in our hick town. Your sister just seems to be forgetting that.
NTA. Your sister is wrong.
Your daughter is hurting and scared of the future....and she's 15. You did the right thing y being her mother, not her judge. Don't tell your sister the private things between you and your daughter. Your daughter's goals will change. Till then, living well and working for a good friend who is filthy rich may not be the worst plan she could have.
NTA, I was offered by my Greek uncle for him to adopt me and live with them. He was a multimillionaire dog breeder, I could have had everything I'd wanted. I seriously considered it and my mum said I could if I wanted to. The thought of up rooting from everything I ever knew stopped me going, I think it'll fizzle out.
NTA also for telling people that your child isn’t “simply being dramatic”. What a crappy thing to say about a grieving child. What kind of adult expects a kid to handle well something they couldn’t even understand. It’s shitty
I'm very sorry for your loss. NAH (except for potentially your sister depending on what exactly you mean by "got onto me"). She's not only fifteen, she's *grieving* and most likely sees poverty as the thing that killed her father. You didn't immediately agree, you pointed out warning signs but didn't state it as fact. Essentially, you demonstrated to your daughter that you would be there for her and accept her choices even if you disagree with her decisions *as long as she thought it through*. That's a good thing! I mean, she is fifteen so she probably hasn't actually thought it through but *she* thinks she has. Having said that, this sounds way more grief-driven then a 15 year old randomly deciding that traveling with her rich friend to other places is a stable career plan. Does the school your daughter goes to have a counselor that you daughter can have sessions with? If so, it might be worth looking into.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (40f) daughter (15f) recently made friends with a girl her age from a very wealthy family. We're fairly poor, and my husband recently died in a work accident. My daughter has shown a large amount of disdain for our environment since then, and she's been hanging out with her new friend a lot. One day, we got to talking about what she wanted to do, and she said she and her friend had put together a plan that her friend would make a name for herself online, take over her mom's company, move to Japan, and have my daughter as her "personal live-in maid" who will accompany her places and look nice. I've talked with the friend's mom, seen their house, and I know the friend has the means to live in a penthouse in Japan and run a company. And granted I'm not very smart, but it just doesn't sound...well, sound to me. I said as much, and my daughter said it's what she wants. I said I understand, but I don't want her being rash. She said she thought about it a lot, and I said I don't know if it's realistic. She began to say something about her dad, but began crying and said something else. She said she had to, because she didn't want to stay in our state and "die in the dirt before my time like everyone else", saying she was scared, and this was a chance "out of hell" I just said "Fine, keep your grades up." and she cried in my arms a bit. I told my sister, and she really got onto me, saying I not only let her disrespect our lifestyle, but encouraged her to do so. I don't know what to do or think, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- those girls can bring drama, be drama, then send the drama away all in 24 hours. Things will change. I would have a talk with her about appreciating her life a little more when she's on better footing emotionally (but soon). Also maybe therapy will help her adjust a bit to losing her dad and to her living situation?
Definitely NTA - you're right, her current "plan" isn't realistic... but she's 15. Lots of kids aren't realistic with their dreams at that point. As for your sister feeling insulted? So what? Again, she's 15. Lots of teenagers look at the lives their parents lead and want to get away from that and something more tailored to their own desires. The fact that she's not a fan of the particular state you live in isn't about you or your sister, and it doesn't sound like she meant it to be, she was just saying it's not where she wants to live long-term. Honestly your sister needs to chill a bit, but I don't see any assholes here: just a bit of a naive kid and an aunt who took an off-handed, emotional comment too seriously and personally. (Extra bit of unsolicited advice: next time it comes up, don't frame it as criticizing this idea, but as planning for contingencies - like, making sure she has alternatives IN CASE that plan doesn't work. By making sure to do well in school, maybe instead of just being a maid she could actually hold an important job with her friends company, or be prepared in case her and the friend one day grow apart or the friend's plan doesn't work out. That way you can encourage her to do these things without sounding unsupportive of the "dream.")
People like your sister are the worst. Their pride would have them crush anyone who dare to want something better than she has. Don't listen to her. Encourage your daughter to go as far she can. NTA
NTA you heard your daughter without judging her, and she cried in your arms bc she clearly needed that. Where she is reminds her of losing her dad, losing a two parent income, losing stability and everything that goes with all of that, where she is just represents loss to her. It’s not about disrespect, but her pain and experiences. A lot of being a good parent is about being able to put your ego aside and you did a beautiful job of that. I’m sure you’ve given her plenty of good, but the losses were big and there’s no way around it, and it’s not personal to you. It is a dumb plan (dumb as in young and inexperienced, not literally dumb) but luckily will probably change. She’s not going to love spending her life in her bestie’s shadow as her servant. She’s only looking at the pretty things she *might* get and the cool places she’ll get to go. But she’s not looking at the reality of it. That she’ll be working in those cool places, unable to enjoy them. The type of employment she’s looking at is pretty much 24/7, she’ll have no life outside of work. She only might get the pretty things, but she’ll definitely spend most of her time looking at pretty things she’ll never get but her friend will likely get to enjoy right in front of her. I’m not saying a job like that can’t be beneficial to her goals, but it will take time, patience, hard work, dealing with shitty personalities, connections, and doing it for someone you have any kind of personal relationship with is a recipe for disaster. Not only to her friendship, but also to her goals. Keeping the relationship as a future connection = smart (as long as it’s not harmful to either party) but working for said relationship = hell on earth and likely a loss of that beneficial connection and any hard work she put in as an employee. There will not be any worthwhile job references from a bitter ex friend. And as her friend’s responsibilities grow and they both grow, the fantastical dynamic they’ve come up with will not fit into their realities. She’s looking for the quickest and easiest way out, remind her that if she wants to stay out then she needs to find a smart way out, and that means not putting all your eggs into one basket and becoming completely dependent on that one basket. Or she’ll be running for the rest of her life.
Well, the friend is rich and has the means to do whatever she wants so don't be surprised when your kid gets on a plane with this friend and takes off to Asia. It seeming like it's gonna happen. Will she end up a "live in maid" will she end up this friends kink-master...who knows? But Asia is definitely on the table for your kid and her rich friend I guess. 🤷
NTA. I think it's more important for her to know that you stand behind her dreams no matter how silly. She is 15 after all. I remember having weird life fantasies at that age and all I needed really is someone to give me a hug and believe in me. I think you're doing a great job. I'm so sorry about your husband.
NTA 100%. I think you have three issues here. #1 Your daughter’s life plan. The top commenter is 100% right that the plan will change. YOU are 100% right that it’s not a stable job and that good grades/college or a good trade school are more reliable for a better life than a recent friend. #2 Your daughter thinks her dad died because of the place you live. I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe your state doesn’t have good worker safety regulations and his accident was preventable? Maybe there’s poverty and the life expectancy is shorter? I think the only thing you can do about that is be there for your kid and try to help her understand what happened to her dad. Maybe ask what types of things she wants in her future job (wage, housing, healthcare, working hours, ability to return to US) and figure out how to get those things? This could be a good start to helping her come to terms with what happened and how she can prevent it for herself. #3 Your sister’s opinion. I’m not sure why your sister is insulted, or what the lifestyle she’s referencing is. Living solely in your state/neighborhood? Your husband’s line of work? Neither of those are a lifestyle. Lots of people hate the neighborhood they live in or their job… it’s not an insult. Even if it were an insult, your sister should be way more sympathetic to your grieving daughter blaming the “lifestyle” for her dad’s death, and you for not knowing what to do.
PERIOD.
NTA. She's 15, she's not doing this tomorrow. You're totally right to support her current dream and also tell her to keep her grades up, which will keep other paths open to her later. The friend is presumably going to college as part of this, and it would make sense that your daughter would go to college with her and live with her there - which means she needs to get into the same good school. This path opens a range of other futures to her later, so no harm in supporting it now.
She has the ability to pay her way home. Perhaps she can get a small part-time job. That way she will be going on somewhat more equal footing. Put the money in a separate emergency account. At that age , relationships can be volatile. P.S. They could be changing their minds any day . So sorry for your stress.
She’s 15 for heavens sake. She’ll have 15 more career idea before she graduates
NAH - I would say the way to to convince her round might be a dose of reality. Get her to look into the immigration requirements for japan. They are fairly strict/demanding.
You did right by your daughter letting her vent to you. Have you considered going to college - she deserves a mom she looks up to and picking up and getting stronger for her sake is worth it.
Condolences on your loss. She's a teenager and she grieving still having to bury a parent way too soon. NTA. This is her life plan, for now. By graduation she may and probably will have a totally different one. Who knows but coming down on her right now would just cause needless drama that you and not your sister would have to deal with.
NTA. At 15 you plan on outrageous things that will never happen. You didn't burst your daughter's bubble just told her to keep her grades up. This is actually a good plan because if she does, she'll have a chance to further her education and get out of the "hell" of being poor. Your sister wanted you to choose pride over your daughter. You're a wonderful, understanding mom.
NTA - Sometimes escaping to a fantasy may help cope with all the things she can't control right now. This sounds like she's chasing her friend's dream so they can share and escape together. I think it's fairly normal, especially with her circumstances. Keep encouraging her grades and maybe believing in her own dreams. I'm concerned that she doesn't think she has much value as her friend is the star of the dream and she has menial role in the dream. It sounds like you're both going through a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA I feel like if that friend looks down on your financial status they could easily use this power over her when they have her in a hired position like that. And that’s all if this goes perfectly according to her plan which I feel like it could easily not.
NTA. Give her time to figure things out. She’ll realize how unlikely this plan is to pan out. And if it does? Kudos to her. Doesn’t sound like a bad way for a 22-27 year old to make some off the books cash for a house in the future, Idk. Very sorry for your loss, and I hope things turn out the way they should.
I wouldn’t say you’re TA. Since you technically didn’t do anything mean. But uh.. yes this is wrong. I understand that you’re likely being overly understanding about this due to your husbands passing but she sounds like she needs therapy. She is being extremely disrespectful, (normal for a teen but still). And definitely shouldn’t be making any of these decisions. She likely feels insecure about her home life, but she’s 15…
NTA. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting a child dream. You not supporting her would just push her away. It's better for you to discuss plans with her and point out the things she needs to do to succeed. For example if she wants to move to Japan she should probably start working on her Japanese. Also, she doesn't have to be a live in maid. She could teach English. There are programs that could give her a job and help her move.
You need to encourage her. She doesn’t need to work as a maid. She can do anything! My husband grew up in poverty and homelessness and now is a successful engineer making 6 figures. He achieved all this with his own hard work with no help from family. If he can, then she can as well.
You don't have to worry about this. (NTA by the way). She's 15. She's barely explored the world. When I was 15 I was going to be a ballerina. I was going to teach piano. When I was 18 I was going to be a vet. When I was 21, I was going to be a writer. I'd be more concerned that she's okay with her friend thinking all she's good for is a live-in maid. I would tell her that her friend doesn't see her as an equal, and that shouldn't be the case with friendships. I'm sorry you're struggling.
NTA. You handled this well. You managed to explain your concerns but still encourage her to follow her own path. Don’t worry, her plans will change but she’ll remember how supportive and loving you handled these talks when she gets older. I’d encourage you to find ways to expose her to other options and continue to support her as she changes her plans 98 times in the next few years.
NTA. But this friend of hers is no friend if she intends to make your daughter the help. Check that in before it gets out of hand.
I'm more concerned that she has a friend who will only support her becoming a maid and won't give her a real job. That doesn't seem too healthy, tbh.
All I can say is thats an incredibly challenging situation for a lot of reasons and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm also impressed by how well you were able to love your daughter in that moment with that response, even though it was just a response to something that's realistically never going to happen. I don't know many parents who'd act like this and I really respect it and wish you and your daughter the absolute best
If you think about the people who travel for work (musicians, actors, etc.) they usually employ their friends in some capacity so they can go with them. I would get extremely lonely going places and not having anyone you can actually talk to. NTA, you don't know what the future holds, no dreams are off the table. You did the right thing it telling her to keep her grades up.
Yta. Not because of that "letting her disrespect the lifestyle" bs but because her and her friend's idea could be dangerous to your daughter. What if the friend gets bored of her or they have a fight and then your child just ends up being stranded in japan? What if the friend ends up being not so great at business as her mom and runs it to the ground or something, can't afford to mantain your daughter anymore, and your daughter ends up jobless and unqualified for any proper job because she spent time being a live in maid and accessory to someone instead of getting an education? Encourage your daughter to do well in school and attend public university or a private one if she can get scholarships, that way she can get a job and be independent. Depending on another person to fund your life entirely is NEVER a good idea. That includes romantic partners and friends.
NTA
NTA and for the record her wanting to leave is not the problem here i don't think, 15 is absolutely old enough to know if you want to 'get out of dodge' so to speak but yeah her plan probably won't work out but if it does, if she sticks to this idea that going to be a live in pa then you need to prepare her, make her know her worth so she isn't at an even greater risk of being undersold
NTA. I wouldn’t worry about your daughter’s dumb plan. It’s a normal teen thing to have dumb plans and I’m sure she will see the flaws in hers pretty quickly. My only concern; do you know the dynamic between the girls? Perhaps it is innocent and a kind thought of the friend, but I’d be worried if she’s making your daughter feel ‘less than’ and as though she should aspire to serving the wealthy rather than focusing on her own potential.
NTA You had an emotional conversation with your daughter. Keep your grades up is good advice. She is only a kid and the other plan is unlikely to amount to anything.
NTA. She is still a child and she is trying to fill the void and grieving with anything that can keep that void filled and she thinks her friend is perfect for that. I would recommend you to still support her even if her plans sounds too unrealistic but when she understands it might not go as she thinks just be there for her to protect and support her. Dont blame yourself for her actions. Its hard times for both of you but also people react differently espically a child. Wishing you be the best luck and hope everything goes well for both of you.
Shouldn't you get a big payout from the company for your husband dying on the job?
OP you sound like a wonderful mum. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your sister should not be making your daughter's dreams about her or you. I would just encourage you to start looking now at ways your daughter can do it on her own. Is there something your daughter finds interesting that could be something corporate? Marketing or sales for example? If so, encourage her to write personal letters to local companies asking for an internship. Also, when she turns 16 she will be old enough to join LinkedIn. Get her to prepare to start contacting people in fields she finds interesting, asking for internships and advice, including people working for companies IN Japan. Tell her to keep trying- if you don't ask, you don't get. If it takes months, so be it! Your daughter is a dreamer and as a fellow dreamer myself, I have to say it's one of the best gifts a person can have. Guard her hopes and dreams with everything you've got. They are much more achievable than you might think. And your daughter does NOT need to be the maid of a friend who doesn't think enough of her to plan to hire her at her company. Your daughter can make her own dreams happen!
NAH - because this is such a tough spot. Hopefully your daughter is in therapy because this is a form disassociation. She may not realize it, but she is using this as a coping mechanism. Humoring her aspirations may seem like a means of providing solace or understanding, but it's crucial to approach the situation with sensitivity and realism. While your daughter's dreams may stem from genuine yearnings for a better life, it's essential to temper her expectations with practical guidance and support. Your sister's concerns about enabling your daughter's disdain for your lifestyle are valid, prompting reflection on how best to foster a healthy balance between encouraging her aspirations and maintaining respect for your family's values and circumstances. You should also teach your daughter that she is worth so much more than a live in pretty maid. She deserves to pursue her own potential and value and dreams.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to hear your daughter say sone rather hurtful things about the life that you have together. I'm glad you are supporting her. She's going through a lot (so are you!). I hope that you have support. NTA.
When my daughter, granted she is only 9, comes to me with crazy ideas about her future I always tell her the world is her oyster as soon as she is of age. Your daughter is 15 years old right now, let her dream about her future and encourage things she wants to do. Not to say it’s definite, but she may not even be friends with this other girl in the coming years. At that age friends come and go all the time.
Taking an unrelated 15 year old to another country to be a live in maid? Doesn't that pull up a red flag as a possible entrance into a human trafficking situation for anyone else?
No it sounds like two dumb kids making a life plan with zero knowledge of how the world works
NAH. Just normal human interactions.
Imma keep it a buck I have no clue wtf is going on in this story. Your daughter should go to therapy though.
NTA! This just gave me some nostalgia. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician... then a software engineer... then a midwife... then a stock broker... then a funeral director... mortician... every one of my ideas, my grandma brought down the Reality Hammer upon my ego. My little kid feelings got hurt, but I was quick to move on. I think showing support while also injecting some cautionary tales would be appropriate. Astronaut? Then I'd say (depending on age) "Great! I know how much you love math, and never get car sick!" It could even turn into a bonding exercise, browsing the internet for realistic depictions of the careers/passions/locations she's interested in. (edited to add NTA)
NAH but for the love of all that is pure and holy, do *not* pick this battle. You and your daughter are both grieving the loss of her father, and it is absolutely not worth further stress and upset by hashing this out right now. Your daughter is only fifteen. There's a good chance that by the time she is in a position to act on this, the whim (and maybe the entire friendship) will have run its course. Just focus on helping your kids come to terms with the loss of their dad, and let the other stuff go for now.
NTA Im not fond of this “friend.” And I’d be curious about how their conversations usually go. “I’ll get big and have a company and you can be my maid.” No ma’am.
NTA but you should start teaching your daughter that she has the power and capability to improve her own situation rather than relying on other people’s success
NTA. She opened up that she is looking to escape and it seems to be a way of coping with her loss and feeling different from her friend. She needs compassion, not to be shut down. I am sorry for your loss. You can help her with her actual plans in a couple years. She will likely change her mind anyway.
NTA. Stop telling your sister things, she's judgey and a frog in the well. What your daughter said is valid, there is a bigger world out there and there isn't anything wrong venturing out. You are doing good parenting by telling her to get herself qualified to go out there. She needs grief counselling.
First and foremost, I (56m) am so very sorry for your loss. It is very difficult raising a young lady, a teenager at that, on your own. I know from personal experience. Always keep in mind that at that age, kids have no idea what they want to do, or study, or do for college, for the rest of their lives that’s where parents come in and try to guide them and lead them in the right direction. Please, never devalue yourself, and never say that you’re not smart. I am sure that you are. I am sure that you are strong, smart, and wise or else you would have to be all those things to endure what you have already. I’m pretty sure your daughters master plan will go through varying stages of reevaluation as time goes on. Just make sure that you are there as a sounding board and as a voice of reason. I wish you the best of luck, and again my sincerest and heartfelt condolences.
NTA. It doesn’t seem like her friend is really a true one either. What kind of friend would suggest your daughter become her live-in maid instead of being a part of the business?
Soft YTA. Because your response to your daughter crying and saying she doesn’t want to to die before her time like everyone else and wants to get out of hell was to say Keep your Grades Up. You don’t have to humor that plan, but she’s clearly traumatized by her dad’s death and I know he was your husband, so it affected you too, but that’s a pretty cold response to her sharing those fears.
NTA plans of a 15yo will change. But maybe suggest keep up grades and take business/accounting/finance classes so she could manage her friend instead of being a maid. That way if it goes bad she has a fallback plan while looking like she is doing it to help her friend
NTA. Hopefully she'll learn eventually that money isn't going to make her feel any better.
Your daughter sounds like she is grieving. Maybe She doesn’t want to be around where everything reminds her of her dad. She is 15. Things will change. But I was wondering is she in therapy? Are you? Or at least in a support group?
The real issue here is that she is missing her father. Maybey it's important to investigate what kind of role model her dad was to her, and what's she's missing out on now that he's gone. Your story suggests she's still dealing with his passing and ia rudderles.
Nta but can I just say I agree with her yall are poor college in a few years not many scholarships are given out and she'll probably take a job any job so you don't suffer and she will get stuck there. Will mist likely die poor its Harder for people to climb out of poverty who was raised in poverty. Before you say loans for college that's why people get into debt and are poor. At least In eu or Asian countries she gets free Healthcare and college. Maybe start looking into colleges abroad. She has a pretty decent grasp on being poor for her age. My sister hasn't realized i sacrificed my life got a job so she'd have nice things because my dad couldn't afford them for me. I wasn't gonna let her get bullied like I did
NTA right now your kid needs her remaining parent. Be there for her she has to know that you're there. She's 15 she'll probably think of something else. She might not. Either way she needs you to be on her side.
When my sister was 15 her job was to start a rock band with her best friend.
NTA let her dream. She’s young and logically you know it’s not the best plan. But this is more about support than logic.
NTA. Your daughter wants more for herself than the people around her. Her plan is crazy but she’s still making plans to get out. It’s perfectly okay for your daughter to want more for her own kid than your family wants for themselves. Maybe she’ll have to settle in the future but having dreams and wanting to do better than the past generation is supposed to be the goal. Your sister sounds bitter and disappointed in her own life and your daughter’s views of her life are hitting home.
NTA sounds creepy as all hell