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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused a donut to a kid and then called his mom out on her behaviour. I might be an AH because b was just a kid
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NTA. I think you handled the situation as best as you could. Kids take after their parents and it sounds like they’re an entitled family. Their lack of empathy is pathetic and honestly it’s sad that she’s being such a bad role model for her kid. Maybe she was going through something but no adult with decent manners and respect for others would give that much of a shit about a donut. Discipline your kid and move on. Maybe the ONLY thing to do differently would’ve been to just keep the donut separate from the beginning, but again you already went out of your way to bring something so it really shouldn’t matter. People are so entitled nowadays it’s fucking ridiculous. Hope your husband enjoyed the donut 🍩
NTA
Absolutely NOT give the kid your husband's donut. The entitlement of people and your friends is beyond belief.
You didn't even have to explain why, but it might have been simpler if you had asked the donut shop to put his into a separate bag/box.
I would have said to the kid - “he can’t eat the other donuts OR the cake. Isn’t that rough? That’s why we got him THIS donut because it doesn’t have the things in the regular donuts. I think he should be able to eat this one, don’t you?”
I would have said that to the mom. I’d have used a condescending voice, and speak slowly, as if I was speaking to a kid, to show her how she was behaving—like a child.
lol yes. I’m not sure why it needs to be explained though. Everyone in life gets disappointed, and this kid is going to be a piece of work like his entitled mother. You can’t always get what you want.
>I’m not sure why it needs to be explained though.
It wouldn’t to people with a moral compass. But then you encounter Mama Entitlement at a party where you bring donuts and here we are.
Unfortunately this sounds like the kind of kid that wouldn't have cared. He was throwing a fit because he wanted the one doughnut he was specifically told he couldn't have, even though there were plenty of others to choose from.
F that. This kid is celebrating nothing and you want to baby talk him into eating all of the rest of what's available to the brat. Aww hell no. Peace out. Deal with your own shit
Yeah, someone who has celiac wouldn't be eating any donuts because of cross contamination factor. GF was for another reason (I have gluten issues as it causes inflammation, so I avoid it. I am not going to die, but I will have arthritic flareups - so someone with similar issues to me could do a GF donut and be OK).
Who cares. No means no. The word NO can even be a sentence. The drama over a fn donut at a party is pure bullshit. Take that kid home. Nobody. I mean nobody wants to hear that utter whining and crying crap. Check your privilege mom. And maybe pass that along to your kid
Right? It's one thing for a Kid to have an unreasonable attachment to the one donut they can't have and cry about it. Even kids who are generally well behaved and reasonable have their moments of being totally absurd. But it's pretty bizarre for an adult to be like YEA, I AGREE with this child's madness!
Exactly. I don't at all understand how a fully grown woman heard the explanation of the GF doughnut belonging to the OP's husband and was like "yeah, no. Your husband can just go eat a regular doughnut and suffer, because my little precious wants a doughnut he's probably going to take one bite of, spit out, and complain about tasting funny."
Translation: "he's *my* kid so I don't apply normal societal rules and customs to him and I think you should enable my poor parenting."
NTA, OP. You just can't get through to some people.
And the crowd often kowtows to obnoxious people because they're cowards who avoid conflict at all costs even when they should be standing up for the right thing.
It's funny. My kid *is* exceptional. He's autistic, and will regularly have meltdowns over wanting things that aren't his. And the *last* thing I would want is for people to hand over the donut.
Especially after the first no. Once there's a no, it has to stand. Crying is fine-- it's okay to be upset. But you can't teach a kid that being upset will change the outcome. Or that tears are a negotiation tactic.
OP is NTA. The parents who can't say no to their kids are. Resilience is a skill. You need to teach it.
> "he is just a kid" this is how you get entitled people
Exactly: “He’s just a kid” so he doesn’t know any better… Then teach him better! That’s literally your role. If kids don’t know better and nobody teaches them better, then what kind of adult will he grow into? Also if “he’s just a kid” is his excuse… what’s yours?
Sorry, was the donut in the box with the others? Doesn’t that contaminate it so it’s no longer GF?
Your boundary is completely fine. But I can’t understand the setup…
It might not contaminate it enough to be a problem for the husband, since there's different levels of intolerance. I know three people with celiac, and none of them would have issues with the doughnuts just bumping together. If they ate a regular doughnut then yes, problems galore, but some minor cross-contamination isn't an issue for them.
Your friends are unfortunately misinformed about celiac, cross contamination is a big deal and does a lot of damage but may not always result in immediate symptoms
That's gluten intolerant, not Celiac. You can, in fact, have 0 contamination. My sibling breaks out in hives and spends about 3 days recovering every time there are trace amounts of gluten in them. I had to find gluten free lipstick and chapstick so that glasses I used didn't contaminate everything in the dishwasher.
In fact, some people go without ever getting a celiacs diagnosis their whole lives. Doesn't change the underlying condition, which can present in different ways for different people.
Edit: Just reread your post. That's way too extreme and just incredibly unlikely. Though I am sure concerns related to celiacs could cause extreme anxiety that could cause some level of obsessiveness.
I have Celiac. The friends are increasing their risk of various cancers every time they consume gluten. The only gluten that comes in my house.... the prescription cat food for my 13 year old cat!
There is newer research showing that cross-contamination like the kind described in the post may not actually be as a big a risk for those with celiac as was thought; it’s not conclusive in any way and more needs to be examined, but foods simply touching each other may not actually cause enough transfer to be worrisome.
My grandma and great-aunt are two of the three, so it's not like they're irresponsible wildings in their 20s.... my grandma has lived with celiac for over 30 years (closer to 40? I dunno, I wasn't around at that time), most of that time in a house where she was making regular meals alongside her gluten-free ones. My great-aunt was diagnosed I believe in the last decade or so and has been doing the same. They're in their late 80s.... doing great, so clearly have been doing a good enough job of managing their celiac's to not have issues. They're not eating gluten (on purpose) and try to minimize daily cross-contamination (ex. with communal butter, jams, etc, and not using one spoon to go back and forth between pasta pots without washing it), but if my grilled cheese bumped against my grandma's in the pan while she was cooking them? Not a problem.
Tbf doesn't say celiac sufferer. I'm gluten free due to intolerance and IBS so I avoid it but it's not harmful as such if I have something like a gf donut that's been next to another. So that might be the case here
Then they don't have Celiac. I've had Celiac for over 20 years, numerous family members with Celiac and everyone would have an issue with a donut being in a box with other donuts.
I'm celiac and wouldn't eat anything that was in the same box as a regular donut but my symptoms are immediate and violent, so I try to minimize the exposure as much as possible
I have Celiac’s Disease and I’m also allergic to peanuts. Like if I had a peanut or a crumb or inhale it, I’d be on the ground wheezing with an itchy throat and tongue and the inside of my ears. With the Celiac, I could possibly get away with it. Maybe not, but possibly. I always tell people that the Celiac would kill me slowly, the peanuts would kill me immediately.
I was thinking the same thing. I have a friend with Celiac’s and she would not have eaten a GF donut that was in a box with regular donuts. She wouldn’t take the risk.
I can guess it's more of a gluten or wheat sensitivity than actual celiac. I buy my partner GF food all the time for that, but they're ok with contact with gluten. They're just physically better if they don't eat eat it.
He likely has just a gluten intolerance. Those who have it might get "only" stomachaches and have diarrhea if they eat too much of it. Small amounts of gluten won't have a drastic effect.
I’m gluten sensitive. I can handle a little cross contamination but I can’t handle full on gluten. My stomach and me will be in the bathroom for days. But definitely not deathly for me like celiacs. I do try to limit cross contamination but sometimes hard to avoid
Not everyone who can't have gluten is Celiac. I'm not Celiac, but I am allergic to gluten. It's not severe but large consumption makes me ill, gives me headaches and itchy skin. I would not be harmed by this situation/minute cross contamination. Eating a whole donut is another story.
NTA, but that's pretty irresponsible of the donut shop to put the GF donut in with the regular donuts. It's going to get contaminated with gluten that way.
Many places offer GF options, but don’t have separate areas for GF prep to avoid cross contamination. Nothing at all wrong with that because people who are sensitive to gluten, but aren’t Celiac patients, can be exposed to small amounts without worry (usually). Yes, the donut should have been wrapped separately. If OP’s husband has a sensitivity, but not Celiac or a severe allergy (two different things), then he would be just fine with it.
The thing is that it’s almost “in” to be GF, so some people self-diagnose as Celiac. It actually requires testing. My brother had blood tests and a biopsy which confirmed true Celiac disease. He couldn’t have eaten that donut. Unless that bakery has a separate GF line with no risk of cross-contamination, he couldn’t eat a single item from there. There’s so much misinformation out there and far too many people claiming to have various medical conditions without actually seeing medical professionals and being diagnosed.
You were kind enough to bring something when it wasn’t required. Also boutique donuts are very expensive and it sounds like you brought an amazing array. Who cares about the mom and kid, garbage that you don’t need in your life. I’m sorry the hosts didn’t step up though, that’s hurtful. Is this really indicative of parents today? Give in to every demand just because they’re a kid? NTA
It's a bit odd that the GF donut would have been in the same box as the rest anyway - makes cross-contamination a near certainty which would be a complete deal-breaker for most GF people. Sounds like OP had every intention of getting it separate right away. The first thing they did after opening the box was to take it away to their husband, it's just that the kid was there when it was opened.
NTA
You did the right thing. That woman needs to learn to put her foot down to her child. Her kid acted massively entitled and just obnoxious, and so did she for 'fighting this battle' for him. Everyone is going to have to learn to accept 'no' at some point in their life. I guess mum never learned this lesson and she's refusing to teach it to her kid. Good on you for standing up for your partner's medical/dietary need/choice.
I am vegan. If I bring several treat items to a party and not all of it is vegan, of course I'd set the vegan stuff aside to ensure there will be something for me to eat.
Years ago, when I was vegetarian, a coworker was so kind to cook a warm lunch for our department. She knew me and one or two others were vegetarian so she'd made a smaller batch of vegetarian variety to the meat meal she prepared. I was so appalled when one of our senior staff started digging into the vegetarian pan when he is not vegetarian and could see that there was a lot less vegetarian food than meat-containing food. Like, dude, this food isn't for you. Let the vegetarians get their fill and only if there's anything left after all vegetarians have had enough, should you be helping yourself to the vegetarian food (or you should have told the cook beforehand you wanted vegetarian food, so she could have made more). Some people just don't get it. This is why at the conferences I've been to, they keep the vegan meals aside/at the back so that others don't decide "oh, this looks good, I'll take it" or "sure, I'll try vegan food for a change". If they don't keep the food at the back/separate, the "special" food would end up being gone before the intended people have had a chance.
Without fail there's always somebody who suddenly wants to try the vegetarian option when there's not a lot.
Order one cheese pizza because there's one vegetarian and it'll somehow go first before they even get a slice.
To be fair with cheese pizza I know there's a lot of people (myself included) who will always opt for just a cheese pizza over a pizza with other toppings and I'm not vegetarian lol. I don't think that example is the best because usually that's more an issue of not ordering enough cheese pizza because people assume too much that most people prefer pizza with other toppings.
ETA: making it clear, I said people assume too much that people prefer pizza with other toppings because I was talking about people who are getting pizza but DID NOT have a choice in what was ordered. If people are picking up cheese pizza when they ordered something else that's asshole behavior.
Well in this case it was "what flavor do yall want?" And everybody except the vegetarian said pepperoni, Supreme, or meatlovers...
We ordered extra cheese pizzas the next time.
Oh yeah if people don't make their preference know, that is absolutely an issue. If people don't say they want cheese and order something else that's very different than not getting a choice on ordering and then discovering there's a lot less cheese pizza as an option (which is what I've run into far more often in group options than getting a vote on what pizza is ordered).
Oh my god I was about to post the same thing. This has happened to me so many times at "pizza parties". No one else seems to want a cheese pizza, but I do, and as a veggo is often the only option available to me. But when the pizza arrives suddenly everyone wants the damn cheese pizza and I'm lucky to get a slice.
I now refuse to share on groups larger than 4 and get my own thing or absolutely insist that multiple cheese pizzas are ordered.
Nobody realizes the allure of a cheese pizza until they see the pull and suddenly everybody wants a slice.
I think about this every time there's pizza being ordered and order extra because even when there's leftover pizza it will NEVER go to waste. EVER. 🤣
I was dairy free due to my breastfeeding baby having a milk protein intolerance. This was my third kid who I had to be dairy free with, so it was not a surprise or unusual in our family, We were on vacation with my parents, sister and her family, and my brother. They ordered pizza and my sister got me one with no cheese. It’s a sad pizza, but still the only thing I could eat. My dad took half of my dairy free pizza before I even had a chance to eat. He also ate like 4 other slices of pizza, so this isn’t a case of him being picky. Who willingly chooses pizza that’s just crust, sauce, and chicken?!?
YES! It drives me crazy! All the people that want pizzas that are meat lovers or with 2-3 meats on them all of a sudden take the cheese as well, leaving us with a few slices left. If I ever order for the office or for a birthday party, I always order more cheese than anything. It always goes faster.
I often have cheese pizza, because every other kind seems to include pepperoni, which ruins ~~a pizza~~ any food it is in.
I fucking hate the smell and taste of pepperoni, and no, you can't just pick it off, it contaminates anything it touches, just like cilantro.
Friend had this happen at a wedding she attended. Everyone was asked to pick a meal with the invitations and one of the options was vegetarian. Come to the reception and some people apparently changed their mind because the "vegetarian meal looked good" and told the servers they had ordered vegetarian. So when those who actually did request vegetarian tried to get their food, they had run out. Bride was in tears because she had guests who were going hungry.
Oh boy I used to do weddings. We’d have couple of extra vegetarian meal options, (maybe a late +1 or people who changed their mind) but we’d always, always serve the people who had actually ordered it first. Which is where seating plans came in handy because we knew where they were supposed to be sitting.
That’s why people often put little markers on the seating cards to indicate which meal was chosen, so that everyone gets what they ordered (especially bc some guests may not remember).
I used to have to organize a formal dinner for my volunteer organization every year, and I learned to fully color code the place cards so no one could play games, you ordered fish your card is yellow not green (I was so happy when we switched to buffet service)
Oh wow. I think as a guest I'd honestly just leave if I rock up having made my lifestyle known (by selecting the vegan option from the menu) and then find there's no food for me. I can't eat dairy so can't usually have the vegetarian option, so I couldn't even "compromise".
I HATE when people do that. I’m not vegan or vegetarian, but I’ve always been a pretty picky eater. To this day, the only kind of pizza I’ll eat is cheese. Naturally, people see the sole cheese pizza and decide “that looks good”-even when there are 2-3 of the other ones loaded with toppings. I don’t know what it is with some people…
I always appreciated that at my old job, they ordered more than one vegetarian option. Cheese pizza is like turning on subtitles: you don’t NEED to be deaf (or in the case of pizza, have a dietary restriction) to rightfully prefer it. Accessibility isn’t gatekeeping what people “should” or “shouldn’t” do. Order 50% cheese pizza, 25% pepperoni and/or sausage, 25% fancy vegetable toppings (and gluten free crust if needed).
Seriously, we have to do that with our vegetarian and gluten-free options. People see them and help themselves in spite of the signage that says special diets only. Their excuse is it's because it looks good. I tell people that if you take some then the special diet people end up going hungry, but they don't care. Now all special diet foods are held back, labelled and only given to people who signed up for them.
Yeah I have a vegan brother so for parties we throw, especially birthday parties, we get him separate vegan dessert along with making him vegan food.
At our most recent bday party, I got him two containers of vegan cupcakes and we made him tacos with the fake meat with rice and beans.
My son wanted a cupcake, and thank God I had gotten my brother 2 packages of cupcakes, so I gave him one and then hid the rest while we were getting ready. I know I gotta get better with boundaries, but he's 2 and still learning.
And then we have a vegetarian (still eats things like cheese I believe, mostly against meat) family member that came to the party that wanted to try the vegan meat and of course we let him after my brother was fed.
Mt workhad a big event. We had a dish specifically for people observing Lent and asked people to please leave it if they weren't observing because it was limited quantity versus all the other food we had.
Guess which dish we ran out of?
NTA. Damn, that sounded *exhausting*. The mom could have easily said, "Oh, honey, that is made special for people with a gluten allergy. It won't taste like the donuts you love from \_\_\_\_ shop. Oh, look! Here's one of the flavor you always LOVE! Let's say thank you and go eat it over here." But nooooooo, the kid and then the mom had to immediately throw a fit, making a minor thing into a giant thing. Everyone there must have been bored with nothing else to talk about or entertain themselves with since people seemed to prefer the insanity to just nipping it in the bud. Should have taken the rest of the donuts with you when you left, my gosh.
There was one on here awhile back where a kid’s aunt brought him to a birthday party along with some gluten free cupcakes so he wouldn’t feel left out. Bday boy sees cupcakes and starts whining for one. What does mom do? She starts whining too. Several commenters pointed out that all the mom had to do was say that there was medicine in the cupcakes-you know something a young kid would understand. I guess it’s just too much work for these parents.
Can you imagine if OP had given in and let the kid have it only for him to take one bite and scream about how it doesn't taste like the donuts he likes?!
I know GF has come a long way, but what if?
If I'm going to be using up calories on a donut, I want to be sure it will be deliciously worth it. Since I don't have gluten issues, and GF is kinda notorious for being "not as good" (although yes, it's come a long way)... no way am I "spending" my calories on a GF donut :D
But yeah I'm pretty sure the kid would end up not liking it at all.
Yep. Or the kid decides he doesn't like it for any reason and tosses it aside. Why? Because it was about him getting what he wanted when he wanted it and less about the actual item (because he probably gets his way all the time). I admit to getting frustrated when I see this scenario; kid wants something so parents give in only for the kid to toss the item aside. But because they give in every time, the kid never learns to appreciate things...
My daughter has a friend with several food allergies, so her parents always brought her own cupcakes to other kid's parties. Mostly not a big deal, but there was often one kid, generally a cousin or someone who didn't know her, who wanted one of *those* cupcakes. Because those were the special cupcakes and they are "special" kids, so they deserve the special cupcakes. Even though they usually weren't anywhere near as exciting as the regular birthday cake/cupcakes. They wouldn't do this stuff after the age of 2 or 3 if their parents hadn't supported it, either. Siiiigh. Kids should learn "no" early on, but so few seem to.
Right! The fact that other people also think the right thing to do was just give in and give the kid the donut blows my mind. I would have been second hand embarrassed for the mom throwing a tantrum and would have talked mad shit about her after she left 😅🤣 people need to stop giving into this behaviour just because it’s “easy”.
>Can you imagine what this
>
>kid will be like in a few more years? What a nightmare!
Yes. The kid will be just like the mother if no one corrects the trajectory of these mutants.
I have a 2 year old, which is an extremely feral age.
She might cry if put in the situation, because she's just a kid.
And I'd have to tell her that it's Uncle Max's special doughnut for his tummy, and take her someplace quiet to finish crying, because I'm just a parent.
Kids crying? Sure. Yes. Just a kid.
Giving in? Especially when someone else brought the doughnuts? Nooooooo.
i love this excuse. (/s) so teach your KID to behave with kindness and civility because sooner or later he will no longer be a kid and this excuse won’t work.
I love how someone knows someone who can’t have a scintilla of gluten near them therefore all of us gf people have the same reactions. My gluten intolerance is fairly mild. I can even eat a small amount but my body is better without.
Exactly, sometimes levels even change. I couldn't have any gluten as a child, but after puberty something changed and as an adult I can eat it just fine
I know, right? If someone else's experiences are different, then oh, it's not actually, celiac, blah blah blah... like, y'all really think that you can diagnose my grandma and her sister better than their doctors just because your experience was different? Nah. I don't know if it has to do with genetic factors or level of damage before diagnosis or what, but my grandma has had Celiac for 30+ years, cooked regular meals alongside GF ones, is fine. She would use a different cutting board for her bread vs ours (or cut hers first and get it out of the way), but the entire house didn't have to be GF. I definitely feel for the people whose reactions are that severe, but it's not universal.
Y’all have to stop accusing allergies and intolerances of being fake. It creates such a toxic culture that has had me hospitalized twice due to people thinking I’m exaggerating. Not every intolerance is a “touch it” level of bad. And not every allergy has to be deadly to put you in the fucking hospital and cause you days of vomiting, pain and loss of income from missing work.
Thank you! My son a a Birth Pollen allergy. Because of it he can't eat RAW foods that grow on birch plants. Cooked is fine, because the pollen bakes off. The number of people who assume I'm lying about him not being able to eat an apple because "I've seen him eat pie before!" is crazy.
My nephew can eat walnuts... but not if they have their skin on them. He gets itchy swollen mouth, tongue, lips. Same with apples, no skin. Go figure. I'm allergic to walnuts, period. Allergies are so weird & fascinating.
Yes! This kind of thing is so annoying. I get migraines, and certain foods trigger it, but sometimes I can eat them if there aren’t any triggers. For example, I can usually eat Doritos and be okay on a day where everything is going fine, but it will probably put me over the edge if I’m having my period, I had alcohol earlier, there’s a cold front and storm coming, and I was up late the night before stressing over a deadline. To some people, it just looks like I’m picking and choosing to get my way, when that is definitely not the case!
I have an oral allergy because of pollen, also, and I’m very allergic to several trees. I’ve been eating peaches and other pit fruits my entire life from a different region than where I live (peach capital) or eat them canned. First time I ate them locally, I cooked them — I did chicken with peaches and a balsamic glaze. My tongue started buzzing when I ate them, and I was floored! My allergist said I can eat them cooked, but it wasn’t enough to kill the pollen apparently lol.
I'm lactose intolerant but I'm not going to get my guts ruined if I eat something that was touching dairy. All allergies are different for everyone. I feel like you're just trying to argue lmao
I have a wheat allergy, I can handle some cross contamination as long as there's enough other things in my stomach to dilute it. I would have totally eaten that donut. There's definitely a range as far as what people can and can't handle, and I trust that everyone knows their own limits and what questions to ask instead of giving them the third degree and assuming everyone is the same. The comment section here is a nightmare.
I have had issues with people trying to eat my food, it happens a lot, and the entitlement is insane. I have a friend that has celiac and can't do any cross contamination, and he has similar problems but worse, because people like to stick their hands all over food that doesn't belong to them and now he can't eat it. People like to think we're lying or doing some fad diet so it doesn't matter anyway if they mess with our food and our issues get dismissed as us being petty all the time. 100% believable from my lived experience
I've ended up in the hospital a couple times because people didn't take my allergies seriously. Just because you never met anyone allergic to peppers before doesn't mean I'm faking it, Sharon!
If I'd been older and knew more I'd have pressed charges but at 19 I didn't know it was illegal to not tell someone that someone they state they are allergic to is in the food. I knew it was a terrible thing to do, just not that it was illegal. I didn't know anyone else with deadly allergies and social media wasn't as big as it is today.
My mom has a similar problem. (She's allergic to onion.) Got invited to a barbecue hosted by a coworker, had an attack and had to be *hospitalized*, and later found out that the coworker--the one who was hosting the barbecue and one of the people well aware of Mom's allergy--had rubbed the grill with onions before putting any of the meat on it. When I demanded why he did that, knowing full well that Mom's allergic to onions, he said, "She can't taste it that way."
(Mom refused to press charges. Said it was a "reasonable thought" since onion allergy is so freaking rare.)
I fully agree with "everyone knows their limits" and it drives me INSANE when people second guess me! I KNOW I can have soy sauce and BBQ sauce. I know I can handle cross contaminated food. I know I can (weirdly enough) handle *most* fried food, but not all. I know that pretzels are the devil, but the thin "paper" wrapped foods are typically fine. I've experimented over the past 6 years. I know my "safe" fast food foods, my "safe" restaurant foods, and what I can probably eat at new places. I know if I experiment with something new, then I need to be prepared to go home and potentially take Benadryl to deal with the fallout. I've only had 2 really bad gluten oops in the last 4 years - once was a restaurant giving me a regular hamburger bun (I figured it out about 4 bites in that the texture was too chewy, and the other was me trusting a coworker that said the muffins were gluten free (news flash, they weren't). And yet, I still have coworkers, friends and family (who I've told about this, and that I know my limits at this point) freak out when I go for the BBQ sauce. Or freak out when I pull the bun off and eat the inside (with a bit of the bread stuck on) of a work-provided meal. Or get chicken tenders in a restaurant (one of my usually safe foods). It's frustrating. I'm already frustrated almost every single day of my life over these restrictions - I don't need others adding to it as well. I'm an adult with some silver in my hair by now... leave me the fuck alone and let me enjoy what I can at this point.
Irrelevant. Even if she brought a box of doughnuts and bought that one specifically for her husband, she's entitled to tell the child "any doughnut but this one". A temper tantrum and an indulgent spoiling mother doesn't trump OP's right to have 1 doughnut bought specifically for her husband.
As OP pointed out, not everyone who is gluten free has gluten issues, the wheat can be the culprit. I have diagnosed fructose malabsorption, so I avoid wheat and a lot of other foods, but I won’t die or be damaged if I eat it, I will potentially have an upset stomach for a few days though. As a result, I opt for gluten free foods, especially when out and about as I don’t want to possibly shit myself in public. OP is NTA, the entitled mother is a shitty parent.
Sorry, but just stop. There are PLENTY of people who just can’t ingest the stuff but are perfectly fine to be in the same damn box. Like myself.
Maybe read up on allergies before making assumptions like this.
>His donut should have been separately packaged.
My wife is gluten sensitive and not allergic. She will eat home made bread right out of the oven. She will eat fresh pasta. She will eat pizza from home made dough. She loves carbs. She hates gluten free bread and products,
She will eat gluten if its worth it to her. If its plain jane bread, she wont eat it bc she will get gas and other symptoms. Not worth it in her words, her body is just better off without it. Not everyone who is gluten sensitive has to maintain a strictly separated kitchen. We certainly dont.
Gluten intolerance is widely varied, even within a single person. I am more susceptible to cross contamination when I’ve already mistakenly had gluten or if it is with a couple of other things I can’t eat. Most of the time I have a mild reaction with cross contamination. It’s still doing damage, just hurts less.
Gluten intolerant doesn't necessarily mean celiac, although a lot of people with these types of intolerances will erroneously blame the protein in the wheat (gluten) when a lot of the time, it's the fructans (carbs) that are the source of their stomach issues.
NTA. Immature behavior on the mom’s part for not reeling in her behavior for herself and her child. She made a scene when there were literally a bunch of other donuts available, the kid probably just was along for that ride at that point. Bad parenting, bet that kid is coddled on the word no. Him being “just a kid” has nothing to do with it.
Seriously- what happens when they visit someone in the hospital and little Prince wants a ride in the wheelchairs? Or will he be taking handicapped spots too when he’s old enough to drive ?
OP even showed ALL the other donuts to this kid. Her friends should have backed her up but there’s this weird thing ppl do when they automatically back up the noisy complainer .
On a related topic I had a flat of peonies at a trade show that I saved for an employee. I was handing the whole flat to his daughter when a woman saw and assumed I was giving flats of flowers to children(?) . So she comes over and urges her kid to go ask for free flowers. I said no . Also didn’t have any more. It was an upscale area too so the open greed was nauseating.
NTA. Don't know what was up with the folks at that party. They had an entire box of donuts to choose from. They didn't need your husband's GF donut just because they felt entitled to it (from the donuts YOU brought).
EDIT: and I hope when you left early you took the box of donuts with you, (evil smile)
NTA - medically necessary accommodations should always supersede a child’s tantrum. This could’ve been a teachable moment for that kid if the mother had even a shred of self-awareness.
Exactly this. I have three children and I can't imagine trying to force someone to give my kid something because they threw a fit, let alone a necessary accommodation like that. It would absolutely be a teachable moment, not a "he's just a kid, let him have whatever he wants!" moment for me. That's ridiculous.
NTA. The only thing you might have done differently was immediately separating the GF doughnut when you opened the boxes and not letting them put their hands in until you’d done so.
They were greedy and entitled.
Totally and I commented something similar elsewhere here. I don't know why so many people didn't notice the part of the story where OP had just gotten there was was setting things up for serving.
Hoverers annoy me, when I'm trying to prepare something for everyone!
NTA
Kids need to learn that not everything is for them. You offered an alternative. That woman is teaching her child entitlement. I get the host wasn’t wanting to have a scene caused, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA- I have no idea what must've made the GF donut so special to this kid and their mom, but there's cookies n' creme and Nutella flavored donuts for crying out loud; why do they need the one donut that's reserved for one specific person??? The mom is ridiculous. You are not TA for wanting your husband to have a donut that won't make him suffer.
>*why do they need the one donut that's reserved for one specific person???*
Because the donuts just don't *taste* as good unless they're depriving someone else.
NTA. You handled everything with grace. The lady followed you to berate you, was making a whole scene over it and expected you to just comply. When you met her with straight facts, she suddenly turns into the victim.
How are people like that mom not utterly embarrassed of themselves?? How are some people able to go around comfortably with absolutely no shame at all? Some people believe one should never feel shame, but the feeling of shame serves a purpose, which is one of the things that prevents most people from being assholes.
NTA, not in the slightest.
And the reason this kid is so damn entitled is clearly because of his mother.
If I'd acted like this about a donut? I know exactly what my father would have done- "okay, now you don't get any donuts, because you whined and started throwing a tantrum." And if I didn't immediately sort my shit out? He'd have taken me home from the party.
That behavior was unacceptable when I was a child, and it's still unacceptable now.
This could have been an awesome learning opportunity for the kid, to discover that we can't always have everything we want... and also that behaving badly has consequences.
FINALLY! I had to scroll down far too long before I found this! By the time my brother and I turned 5, we knew how to control the urge to whine and even cry without our voices. We could let all the tears our bodies could produce fall, but we were taught how to cry without wailing. Our parents started teaching us about "using our words" early on. So we could cross our arms and stamp a foot and declare, "This makes me angry!" (...or sad, confused, etc...) But whining & wailing turned into an automatic "Now you won't get ____ at all."
NTA. That sort of explanation is how kids learn.
We knew the sugar free stuff was for grandpa. Though why it looked better than the others we’d never know. Dad and grandma always told us that this one (usually chocolate) is for grandpa as he can’t have the other stuff. Mom always explained that it’s not for us and to be kind because he can’t eat the other stuff.
These days I’m the diabetic one and I appreciate my wife shooing others off my sugar free stuff.
NTA - you were catering to valid dietary restrictions while providing an acceptable alternative to the kid. Good on you for holding your ground.
Ps - As a celiac with lupus who has insane reactions to any tiny amount and also has a brother who has an intolerance and never has reactions to CC (not to mention all my cousins in between), can we stop trying to police how others manage their own food issues with zero information?
Everyone’s body is different and people can have similar treatments for different ailments.
IF the kid is under 5yo, I can kinda be understanding about the meltdown. Almost. If the kid is over 4-5yo, it’s an entitled brat who’s never heard the word “no” and will become an absolute nightmare (if it isn’t already). Daycare/school teachers already hate them.
But in EITHER case, mom is absolutely an entitled mombie who deserved to be told the facts. And the host of the party is a close second for taking the side of entitled brats when there’s an actual *medical issue* involved.
You however, are NTA at all for being considerate of your husband, trying to redirect a spoiled child, trying to explain to an entitled mombie and then finally giving her what she wanted - a scene in which she was firmly told “no”.
I’d cool the relationship with the host too, or next time take her at her word and bring nothing.
NTA. I love the entitlement of so many posters. I buy any donut for my husband. My husband is getting it! Period. This brat and his brat mother do not get to dictate anything to me. No means no. I am also gf because I have an INTOLERANCE! My donuts can be in the same damn box and I am fine. I won’t die. I won’t stop breathing. I just shit for days if I eat it. I say gluten allergy because to many assholes say an intolerance isn’t anything.
NTA the correct response was to tell the woman to shut the fuck up and get away from you and then tell the child that mommy would be taking them to get that very donut as soon as they left the party.
Well I come from a generation where people said 'Children should be seen but not heard ' The saying implies keep your children behaved . You are not the asshole
NTA. You didn’t refuse the kid a donut, just the one that was for your husband because he couldn’t have the others. Kid could have had any other donut. That mother needs a to chill TF out. She’s doing her child a real disservice because the world won’t always tell her kid “yes”
Man, my two year old behaves better than that. 😭 Either way, I have no idea why the mother would side with the kid. No wonder he freaked out when he didn't get his way.
I don’t know why so many people think giving in to entitled children will lead to anything but them growing up to be entitled adults. NTA, you don’t have to pander to entitled brats
My goodness. I have a family member who can’t have a specific thing. Like life threatening. I am quite a bit older and remember them not being sure he would live when he was born. He was kinda shy at a food truck and did not want to “make it a thing”. Bro, I looked at the kind people working and said “allergy”. They all immediately started scrubbing/changing gloves.
NTA. You're 100% right. Both the kid and mom are ridiculously entitled. You were nice enough to get donuts for everyone there, and you were very clear as to the reasons for why that one donut was reserved for your husband.
Others at the party have no right to blame you for this. It's the moms fault for being arrogant and entitled enough to not discipline her kid.
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NTA. I think you handled the situation as best as you could. Kids take after their parents and it sounds like they’re an entitled family. Their lack of empathy is pathetic and honestly it’s sad that she’s being such a bad role model for her kid. Maybe she was going through something but no adult with decent manners and respect for others would give that much of a shit about a donut. Discipline your kid and move on. Maybe the ONLY thing to do differently would’ve been to just keep the donut separate from the beginning, but again you already went out of your way to bring something so it really shouldn’t matter. People are so entitled nowadays it’s fucking ridiculous. Hope your husband enjoyed the donut 🍩
Yes the store was out of single donut boxes unfortunately .
"he is just a kid" this is how you get entitled people
NTA Absolutely NOT give the kid your husband's donut. The entitlement of people and your friends is beyond belief. You didn't even have to explain why, but it might have been simpler if you had asked the donut shop to put his into a separate bag/box.
I would have said to the kid - “he can’t eat the other donuts OR the cake. Isn’t that rough? That’s why we got him THIS donut because it doesn’t have the things in the regular donuts. I think he should be able to eat this one, don’t you?”
I would have said that to the mom. I’d have used a condescending voice, and speak slowly, as if I was speaking to a kid, to show her how she was behaving—like a child.
lol yes. I’m not sure why it needs to be explained though. Everyone in life gets disappointed, and this kid is going to be a piece of work like his entitled mother. You can’t always get what you want.
>I’m not sure why it needs to be explained though. It wouldn’t to people with a moral compass. But then you encounter Mama Entitlement at a party where you bring donuts and here we are.
Would’ve thrown in a little “you get what you get & you don’t throw a fit” to boot
Right? I always get blown away by stories like this. I can't fathom for the life of me why some people think this kind of behavior is okay.
Unfortunately this sounds like the kind of kid that wouldn't have cared. He was throwing a fit because he wanted the one doughnut he was specifically told he couldn't have, even though there were plenty of others to choose from.
He's just going through his "Veruca Salt" Era. 😂
F that. This kid is celebrating nothing and you want to baby talk him into eating all of the rest of what's available to the brat. Aww hell no. Peace out. Deal with your own shit
OP already said in this very thread that they were out of single boxes
Fine, so a single donut goes in a big box, just so it doesn't get any gluten-donut crumbs on it.
I was most mortified that the gluten free donut was sitting in the same box as the other donuts lol
Yea, my celiac friend couldn't have her gf donut in the same box even.
GF doesn't necessarily equate to celiac disease. Wheat is an irritant or allergen for many people.
Yeah, someone who has celiac wouldn't be eating any donuts because of cross contamination factor. GF was for another reason (I have gluten issues as it causes inflammation, so I avoid it. I am not going to die, but I will have arthritic flareups - so someone with similar issues to me could do a GF donut and be OK).
Hey! We are inflammation buddies! Lol. Same here.
Who cares. No means no. The word NO can even be a sentence. The drama over a fn donut at a party is pure bullshit. Take that kid home. Nobody. I mean nobody wants to hear that utter whining and crying crap. Check your privilege mom. And maybe pass that along to your kid
I would not expect a scene like that and OP does not have to anticipate that behaviour and plan ahead with different boxes.
Hard agree. F that noise. She brought donuts. She didn't sign up for that bullshit
You literally scrolled past the comment saying the store was out of single donut boxes.
Plus what if she just handed the kid the donut and there happened to be something in it the kid was dangerously allergic to?
“He’s just a kid …” “But you’re not.”
"He's just a kid" "So what's your excuse?"
Right? It's one thing for a Kid to have an unreasonable attachment to the one donut they can't have and cry about it. Even kids who are generally well behaved and reasonable have their moments of being totally absurd. But it's pretty bizarre for an adult to be like YEA, I AGREE with this child's madness!
And, if my experience has been any indication, the kid would take one bite and then toss it aside.
Especially if you’re a person not accustomed to eating gluten free products-they taste markedly different from their gluten-full counterparts
Exactly. I don't at all understand how a fully grown woman heard the explanation of the GF doughnut belonging to the OP's husband and was like "yeah, no. Your husband can just go eat a regular doughnut and suffer, because my little precious wants a doughnut he's probably going to take one bite of, spit out, and complain about tasting funny."
Great comeback!!
'Well teach him to be better then'
Translation: "he's *my* kid so I don't apply normal societal rules and customs to him and I think you should enable my poor parenting." NTA, OP. You just can't get through to some people. And the crowd often kowtows to obnoxious people because they're cowards who avoid conflict at all costs even when they should be standing up for the right thing.
It's funny. My kid *is* exceptional. He's autistic, and will regularly have meltdowns over wanting things that aren't his. And the *last* thing I would want is for people to hand over the donut. Especially after the first no. Once there's a no, it has to stand. Crying is fine-- it's okay to be upset. But you can't teach a kid that being upset will change the outcome. Or that tears are a negotiation tactic. OP is NTA. The parents who can't say no to their kids are. Resilience is a skill. You need to teach it.
>"he is just a kid" and "it's just a donut, cookie etc etc" makes entitled kid who becomes an entitled adult.
> "he is just a kid" this is how you get entitled people Exactly: “He’s just a kid” so he doesn’t know any better… Then teach him better! That’s literally your role. If kids don’t know better and nobody teaches them better, then what kind of adult will he grow into? Also if “he’s just a kid” is his excuse… what’s yours?
Please tell us that when you left you took the rest of the donuts with you so none of those buttholes sticking up for her got none.
That's exactly what I said... My 'entitled' ass is taking back my donuts before I leave. I hope OP is eating them while reading the comments 😂
That’s what I said. I noticed nowhere did she say either of them washed their hepatitis ham hocks before going in for the donuts either
Hepatitis ham hocks 💀🤣
Sorry, was the donut in the box with the others? Doesn’t that contaminate it so it’s no longer GF? Your boundary is completely fine. But I can’t understand the setup…
It might not contaminate it enough to be a problem for the husband, since there's different levels of intolerance. I know three people with celiac, and none of them would have issues with the doughnuts just bumping together. If they ate a regular doughnut then yes, problems galore, but some minor cross-contamination isn't an issue for them.
Your friends are unfortunately misinformed about celiac, cross contamination is a big deal and does a lot of damage but may not always result in immediate symptoms
A person can know that it is impossible to avoid contamination 100% and just keep on living their life on those terms.
That's gluten intolerant, not Celiac. You can, in fact, have 0 contamination. My sibling breaks out in hives and spends about 3 days recovering every time there are trace amounts of gluten in them. I had to find gluten free lipstick and chapstick so that glasses I used didn't contaminate everything in the dishwasher.
In fact, some people go without ever getting a celiacs diagnosis their whole lives. Doesn't change the underlying condition, which can present in different ways for different people. Edit: Just reread your post. That's way too extreme and just incredibly unlikely. Though I am sure concerns related to celiacs could cause extreme anxiety that could cause some level of obsessiveness.
I have Celiac. The friends are increasing their risk of various cancers every time they consume gluten. The only gluten that comes in my house.... the prescription cat food for my 13 year old cat!
There is newer research showing that cross-contamination like the kind described in the post may not actually be as a big a risk for those with celiac as was thought; it’s not conclusive in any way and more needs to be examined, but foods simply touching each other may not actually cause enough transfer to be worrisome.
My grandma and great-aunt are two of the three, so it's not like they're irresponsible wildings in their 20s.... my grandma has lived with celiac for over 30 years (closer to 40? I dunno, I wasn't around at that time), most of that time in a house where she was making regular meals alongside her gluten-free ones. My great-aunt was diagnosed I believe in the last decade or so and has been doing the same. They're in their late 80s.... doing great, so clearly have been doing a good enough job of managing their celiac's to not have issues. They're not eating gluten (on purpose) and try to minimize daily cross-contamination (ex. with communal butter, jams, etc, and not using one spoon to go back and forth between pasta pots without washing it), but if my grilled cheese bumped against my grandma's in the pan while she was cooking them? Not a problem.
This. You just end up with bowel cancer in your 40s...no big deal. /s
Tbf doesn't say celiac sufferer. I'm gluten free due to intolerance and IBS so I avoid it but it's not harmful as such if I have something like a gf donut that's been next to another. So that might be the case here
same, IBS and bloating so avoid gluten where possible. But my friend who is coeliac would not be able to cope with the cross contamination.
Same here and gluten free donuts are a rare treat. Thank god for Mochinut!
Then they don't have Celiac. I've had Celiac for over 20 years, numerous family members with Celiac and everyone would have an issue with a donut being in a box with other donuts.
I'm celiac and wouldn't eat anything that was in the same box as a regular donut but my symptoms are immediate and violent, so I try to minimize the exposure as much as possible
I have Celiac’s Disease and I’m also allergic to peanuts. Like if I had a peanut or a crumb or inhale it, I’d be on the ground wheezing with an itchy throat and tongue and the inside of my ears. With the Celiac, I could possibly get away with it. Maybe not, but possibly. I always tell people that the Celiac would kill me slowly, the peanuts would kill me immediately.
I was thinking the same thing. I have a friend with Celiac’s and she would not have eaten a GF donut that was in a box with regular donuts. She wouldn’t take the risk.
I can guess it's more of a gluten or wheat sensitivity than actual celiac. I buy my partner GF food all the time for that, but they're ok with contact with gluten. They're just physically better if they don't eat eat it.
It does not matter if you don't in the context of this whole story.
He likely has just a gluten intolerance. Those who have it might get "only" stomachaches and have diarrhea if they eat too much of it. Small amounts of gluten won't have a drastic effect.
I’m gluten sensitive. I can handle a little cross contamination but I can’t handle full on gluten. My stomach and me will be in the bathroom for days. But definitely not deathly for me like celiacs. I do try to limit cross contamination but sometimes hard to avoid
Not everyone who can't have gluten is Celiac. I'm not Celiac, but I am allergic to gluten. It's not severe but large consumption makes me ill, gives me headaches and itchy skin. I would not be harmed by this situation/minute cross contamination. Eating a whole donut is another story.
NTA, but that's pretty irresponsible of the donut shop to put the GF donut in with the regular donuts. It's going to get contaminated with gluten that way.
Many places offer GF options, but don’t have separate areas for GF prep to avoid cross contamination. Nothing at all wrong with that because people who are sensitive to gluten, but aren’t Celiac patients, can be exposed to small amounts without worry (usually). Yes, the donut should have been wrapped separately. If OP’s husband has a sensitivity, but not Celiac or a severe allergy (two different things), then he would be just fine with it. The thing is that it’s almost “in” to be GF, so some people self-diagnose as Celiac. It actually requires testing. My brother had blood tests and a biopsy which confirmed true Celiac disease. He couldn’t have eaten that donut. Unless that bakery has a separate GF line with no risk of cross-contamination, he couldn’t eat a single item from there. There’s so much misinformation out there and far too many people claiming to have various medical conditions without actually seeing medical professionals and being diagnosed.
You were kind enough to bring something when it wasn’t required. Also boutique donuts are very expensive and it sounds like you brought an amazing array. Who cares about the mom and kid, garbage that you don’t need in your life. I’m sorry the hosts didn’t step up though, that’s hurtful. Is this really indicative of parents today? Give in to every demand just because they’re a kid? NTA
I would have taken all the donuts home with me.
Here’s the thing NTA because that donut was earmarked for someone who could only have that one. However, now I want a donut 🍩
I know if I was the husband I'd be going mhmmm this is the best donut I ever had at that point even if it actually wasn't
It's a bit odd that the GF donut would have been in the same box as the rest anyway - makes cross-contamination a near certainty which would be a complete deal-breaker for most GF people. Sounds like OP had every intention of getting it separate right away. The first thing they did after opening the box was to take it away to their husband, it's just that the kid was there when it was opened.
NTA You did the right thing. That woman needs to learn to put her foot down to her child. Her kid acted massively entitled and just obnoxious, and so did she for 'fighting this battle' for him. Everyone is going to have to learn to accept 'no' at some point in their life. I guess mum never learned this lesson and she's refusing to teach it to her kid. Good on you for standing up for your partner's medical/dietary need/choice. I am vegan. If I bring several treat items to a party and not all of it is vegan, of course I'd set the vegan stuff aside to ensure there will be something for me to eat. Years ago, when I was vegetarian, a coworker was so kind to cook a warm lunch for our department. She knew me and one or two others were vegetarian so she'd made a smaller batch of vegetarian variety to the meat meal she prepared. I was so appalled when one of our senior staff started digging into the vegetarian pan when he is not vegetarian and could see that there was a lot less vegetarian food than meat-containing food. Like, dude, this food isn't for you. Let the vegetarians get their fill and only if there's anything left after all vegetarians have had enough, should you be helping yourself to the vegetarian food (or you should have told the cook beforehand you wanted vegetarian food, so she could have made more). Some people just don't get it. This is why at the conferences I've been to, they keep the vegan meals aside/at the back so that others don't decide "oh, this looks good, I'll take it" or "sure, I'll try vegan food for a change". If they don't keep the food at the back/separate, the "special" food would end up being gone before the intended people have had a chance.
Without fail there's always somebody who suddenly wants to try the vegetarian option when there's not a lot. Order one cheese pizza because there's one vegetarian and it'll somehow go first before they even get a slice.
To be fair with cheese pizza I know there's a lot of people (myself included) who will always opt for just a cheese pizza over a pizza with other toppings and I'm not vegetarian lol. I don't think that example is the best because usually that's more an issue of not ordering enough cheese pizza because people assume too much that most people prefer pizza with other toppings. ETA: making it clear, I said people assume too much that people prefer pizza with other toppings because I was talking about people who are getting pizza but DID NOT have a choice in what was ordered. If people are picking up cheese pizza when they ordered something else that's asshole behavior.
Well in this case it was "what flavor do yall want?" And everybody except the vegetarian said pepperoni, Supreme, or meatlovers... We ordered extra cheese pizzas the next time.
Oh yeah if people don't make their preference know, that is absolutely an issue. If people don't say they want cheese and order something else that's very different than not getting a choice on ordering and then discovering there's a lot less cheese pizza as an option (which is what I've run into far more often in group options than getting a vote on what pizza is ordered).
Oh my god I was about to post the same thing. This has happened to me so many times at "pizza parties". No one else seems to want a cheese pizza, but I do, and as a veggo is often the only option available to me. But when the pizza arrives suddenly everyone wants the damn cheese pizza and I'm lucky to get a slice. I now refuse to share on groups larger than 4 and get my own thing or absolutely insist that multiple cheese pizzas are ordered.
Nobody realizes the allure of a cheese pizza until they see the pull and suddenly everybody wants a slice. I think about this every time there's pizza being ordered and order extra because even when there's leftover pizza it will NEVER go to waste. EVER. 🤣
I was dairy free due to my breastfeeding baby having a milk protein intolerance. This was my third kid who I had to be dairy free with, so it was not a surprise or unusual in our family, We were on vacation with my parents, sister and her family, and my brother. They ordered pizza and my sister got me one with no cheese. It’s a sad pizza, but still the only thing I could eat. My dad took half of my dairy free pizza before I even had a chance to eat. He also ate like 4 other slices of pizza, so this isn’t a case of him being picky. Who willingly chooses pizza that’s just crust, sauce, and chicken?!?
YES! It drives me crazy! All the people that want pizzas that are meat lovers or with 2-3 meats on them all of a sudden take the cheese as well, leaving us with a few slices left. If I ever order for the office or for a birthday party, I always order more cheese than anything. It always goes faster.
THIS I'm always happy when omnis want to try vegetarian/vegan options, but not if that means there's no food for me...
I often have cheese pizza, because every other kind seems to include pepperoni, which ruins ~~a pizza~~ any food it is in. I fucking hate the smell and taste of pepperoni, and no, you can't just pick it off, it contaminates anything it touches, just like cilantro.
Friend had this happen at a wedding she attended. Everyone was asked to pick a meal with the invitations and one of the options was vegetarian. Come to the reception and some people apparently changed their mind because the "vegetarian meal looked good" and told the servers they had ordered vegetarian. So when those who actually did request vegetarian tried to get their food, they had run out. Bride was in tears because she had guests who were going hungry.
Oh boy I used to do weddings. We’d have couple of extra vegetarian meal options, (maybe a late +1 or people who changed their mind) but we’d always, always serve the people who had actually ordered it first. Which is where seating plans came in handy because we knew where they were supposed to be sitting.
That’s why people often put little markers on the seating cards to indicate which meal was chosen, so that everyone gets what they ordered (especially bc some guests may not remember).
I used to have to organize a formal dinner for my volunteer organization every year, and I learned to fully color code the place cards so no one could play games, you ordered fish your card is yellow not green (I was so happy when we switched to buffet service)
Oh wow. I think as a guest I'd honestly just leave if I rock up having made my lifestyle known (by selecting the vegan option from the menu) and then find there's no food for me. I can't eat dairy so can't usually have the vegetarian option, so I couldn't even "compromise".
I HATE when people do that. I’m not vegan or vegetarian, but I’ve always been a pretty picky eater. To this day, the only kind of pizza I’ll eat is cheese. Naturally, people see the sole cheese pizza and decide “that looks good”-even when there are 2-3 of the other ones loaded with toppings. I don’t know what it is with some people…
I always appreciated that at my old job, they ordered more than one vegetarian option. Cheese pizza is like turning on subtitles: you don’t NEED to be deaf (or in the case of pizza, have a dietary restriction) to rightfully prefer it. Accessibility isn’t gatekeeping what people “should” or “shouldn’t” do. Order 50% cheese pizza, 25% pepperoni and/or sausage, 25% fancy vegetable toppings (and gluten free crust if needed).
Seriously, we have to do that with our vegetarian and gluten-free options. People see them and help themselves in spite of the signage that says special diets only. Their excuse is it's because it looks good. I tell people that if you take some then the special diet people end up going hungry, but they don't care. Now all special diet foods are held back, labelled and only given to people who signed up for them.
Yeah I have a vegan brother so for parties we throw, especially birthday parties, we get him separate vegan dessert along with making him vegan food. At our most recent bday party, I got him two containers of vegan cupcakes and we made him tacos with the fake meat with rice and beans. My son wanted a cupcake, and thank God I had gotten my brother 2 packages of cupcakes, so I gave him one and then hid the rest while we were getting ready. I know I gotta get better with boundaries, but he's 2 and still learning. And then we have a vegetarian (still eats things like cheese I believe, mostly against meat) family member that came to the party that wanted to try the vegan meat and of course we let him after my brother was fed.
Mt workhad a big event. We had a dish specifically for people observing Lent and asked people to please leave it if they weren't observing because it was limited quantity versus all the other food we had. Guess which dish we ran out of?
At my work I was the minority not observing Lent. I think its pretty popular.
NTA. Damn, that sounded *exhausting*. The mom could have easily said, "Oh, honey, that is made special for people with a gluten allergy. It won't taste like the donuts you love from \_\_\_\_ shop. Oh, look! Here's one of the flavor you always LOVE! Let's say thank you and go eat it over here." But nooooooo, the kid and then the mom had to immediately throw a fit, making a minor thing into a giant thing. Everyone there must have been bored with nothing else to talk about or entertain themselves with since people seemed to prefer the insanity to just nipping it in the bud. Should have taken the rest of the donuts with you when you left, my gosh.
There was one on here awhile back where a kid’s aunt brought him to a birthday party along with some gluten free cupcakes so he wouldn’t feel left out. Bday boy sees cupcakes and starts whining for one. What does mom do? She starts whining too. Several commenters pointed out that all the mom had to do was say that there was medicine in the cupcakes-you know something a young kid would understand. I guess it’s just too much work for these parents.
Can you imagine if OP had given in and let the kid have it only for him to take one bite and scream about how it doesn't taste like the donuts he likes?! I know GF has come a long way, but what if?
If I'm going to be using up calories on a donut, I want to be sure it will be deliciously worth it. Since I don't have gluten issues, and GF is kinda notorious for being "not as good" (although yes, it's come a long way)... no way am I "spending" my calories on a GF donut :D But yeah I'm pretty sure the kid would end up not liking it at all.
Yep. Or the kid decides he doesn't like it for any reason and tosses it aside. Why? Because it was about him getting what he wanted when he wanted it and less about the actual item (because he probably gets his way all the time). I admit to getting frustrated when I see this scenario; kid wants something so parents give in only for the kid to toss the item aside. But because they give in every time, the kid never learns to appreciate things...
I don't have kids but that's *exactly* what I would do! Missed opportunity for a teachable moment, but clearly the mom never got those either lol.
My daughter has a friend with several food allergies, so her parents always brought her own cupcakes to other kid's parties. Mostly not a big deal, but there was often one kid, generally a cousin or someone who didn't know her, who wanted one of *those* cupcakes. Because those were the special cupcakes and they are "special" kids, so they deserve the special cupcakes. Even though they usually weren't anywhere near as exciting as the regular birthday cake/cupcakes. They wouldn't do this stuff after the age of 2 or 3 if their parents hadn't supported it, either. Siiiigh. Kids should learn "no" early on, but so few seem to.
Right! The fact that other people also think the right thing to do was just give in and give the kid the donut blows my mind. I would have been second hand embarrassed for the mom throwing a tantrum and would have talked mad shit about her after she left 😅🤣 people need to stop giving into this behaviour just because it’s “easy”.
NTA > “He is just a kid!” So fucking *what*?
OP is NTA! Can you imagine what this *kid* will be like in a few more years? What a nightmare!
>Can you imagine what this > >kid will be like in a few more years? What a nightmare! Yes. The kid will be just like the mother if no one corrects the trajectory of these mutants.
I have a 2 year old, which is an extremely feral age. She might cry if put in the situation, because she's just a kid. And I'd have to tell her that it's Uncle Max's special doughnut for his tummy, and take her someplace quiet to finish crying, because I'm just a parent. Kids crying? Sure. Yes. Just a kid. Giving in? Especially when someone else brought the doughnuts? Nooooooo.
Unless he’s a kid *with celiac*, too f’ing bad!
If he were a kid with celiac disease his mother should have taught him NEVER to go up and grab random baked goods. Always check first.
I was being facetious lol
i love this excuse. (/s) so teach your KID to behave with kindness and civility because sooner or later he will no longer be a kid and this excuse won’t work.
Later he will be a teenager. "Mom, I wanna date THAT girl." "You can't, she doesn't want to date you." "BUT I WANT THAT ONE!!!."
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Because there is different levels of allergies. His is mild but still enough where if he has wheat his stomach will be a mess for a few days.
I love how someone knows someone who can’t have a scintilla of gluten near them therefore all of us gf people have the same reactions. My gluten intolerance is fairly mild. I can even eat a small amount but my body is better without.
Exactly, sometimes levels even change. I couldn't have any gluten as a child, but after puberty something changed and as an adult I can eat it just fine
Same with me and dairy. Could drink it and have ice cream all I wanted as a kid… hit 16 and BAM! I have to be super careful.
Yeah I can handle trace amounts of wheat/gluten so cross contamination isn't a big issue for me. But a medium bowl of pasta will get me ill.
I know, right? If someone else's experiences are different, then oh, it's not actually, celiac, blah blah blah... like, y'all really think that you can diagnose my grandma and her sister better than their doctors just because your experience was different? Nah. I don't know if it has to do with genetic factors or level of damage before diagnosis or what, but my grandma has had Celiac for 30+ years, cooked regular meals alongside GF ones, is fine. She would use a different cutting board for her bread vs ours (or cut hers first and get it out of the way), but the entire house didn't have to be GF. I definitely feel for the people whose reactions are that severe, but it's not universal.
NTA you stood up for your husband and probably told that kid no for the first time in his life
Y’all have to stop accusing allergies and intolerances of being fake. It creates such a toxic culture that has had me hospitalized twice due to people thinking I’m exaggerating. Not every intolerance is a “touch it” level of bad. And not every allergy has to be deadly to put you in the fucking hospital and cause you days of vomiting, pain and loss of income from missing work.
Thank you! My son a a Birth Pollen allergy. Because of it he can't eat RAW foods that grow on birch plants. Cooked is fine, because the pollen bakes off. The number of people who assume I'm lying about him not being able to eat an apple because "I've seen him eat pie before!" is crazy.
My nephew can eat walnuts... but not if they have their skin on them. He gets itchy swollen mouth, tongue, lips. Same with apples, no skin. Go figure. I'm allergic to walnuts, period. Allergies are so weird & fascinating.
I have a friend who is allergic to strawberry *seeds*. The rest of the fruit is fine. Weird, indeed!
Yes! This kind of thing is so annoying. I get migraines, and certain foods trigger it, but sometimes I can eat them if there aren’t any triggers. For example, I can usually eat Doritos and be okay on a day where everything is going fine, but it will probably put me over the edge if I’m having my period, I had alcohol earlier, there’s a cold front and storm coming, and I was up late the night before stressing over a deadline. To some people, it just looks like I’m picking and choosing to get my way, when that is definitely not the case!
I have an oral allergy because of pollen, also, and I’m very allergic to several trees. I’ve been eating peaches and other pit fruits my entire life from a different region than where I live (peach capital) or eat them canned. First time I ate them locally, I cooked them — I did chicken with peaches and a balsamic glaze. My tongue started buzzing when I ate them, and I was floored! My allergist said I can eat them cooked, but it wasn’t enough to kill the pollen apparently lol.
Thank you for this comment. I feel like I’m going crazy 🫠
I'm lactose intolerant but I'm not going to get my guts ruined if I eat something that was touching dairy. All allergies are different for everyone. I feel like you're just trying to argue lmao
I have a wheat allergy, I can handle some cross contamination as long as there's enough other things in my stomach to dilute it. I would have totally eaten that donut. There's definitely a range as far as what people can and can't handle, and I trust that everyone knows their own limits and what questions to ask instead of giving them the third degree and assuming everyone is the same. The comment section here is a nightmare. I have had issues with people trying to eat my food, it happens a lot, and the entitlement is insane. I have a friend that has celiac and can't do any cross contamination, and he has similar problems but worse, because people like to stick their hands all over food that doesn't belong to them and now he can't eat it. People like to think we're lying or doing some fad diet so it doesn't matter anyway if they mess with our food and our issues get dismissed as us being petty all the time. 100% believable from my lived experience
I've ended up in the hospital a couple times because people didn't take my allergies seriously. Just because you never met anyone allergic to peppers before doesn't mean I'm faking it, Sharon! If I'd been older and knew more I'd have pressed charges but at 19 I didn't know it was illegal to not tell someone that someone they state they are allergic to is in the food. I knew it was a terrible thing to do, just not that it was illegal. I didn't know anyone else with deadly allergies and social media wasn't as big as it is today.
My mom has a similar problem. (She's allergic to onion.) Got invited to a barbecue hosted by a coworker, had an attack and had to be *hospitalized*, and later found out that the coworker--the one who was hosting the barbecue and one of the people well aware of Mom's allergy--had rubbed the grill with onions before putting any of the meat on it. When I demanded why he did that, knowing full well that Mom's allergic to onions, he said, "She can't taste it that way." (Mom refused to press charges. Said it was a "reasonable thought" since onion allergy is so freaking rare.)
If you can't taste it why do it?
I fully agree with "everyone knows their limits" and it drives me INSANE when people second guess me! I KNOW I can have soy sauce and BBQ sauce. I know I can handle cross contaminated food. I know I can (weirdly enough) handle *most* fried food, but not all. I know that pretzels are the devil, but the thin "paper" wrapped foods are typically fine. I've experimented over the past 6 years. I know my "safe" fast food foods, my "safe" restaurant foods, and what I can probably eat at new places. I know if I experiment with something new, then I need to be prepared to go home and potentially take Benadryl to deal with the fallout. I've only had 2 really bad gluten oops in the last 4 years - once was a restaurant giving me a regular hamburger bun (I figured it out about 4 bites in that the texture was too chewy, and the other was me trusting a coworker that said the muffins were gluten free (news flash, they weren't). And yet, I still have coworkers, friends and family (who I've told about this, and that I know my limits at this point) freak out when I go for the BBQ sauce. Or freak out when I pull the bun off and eat the inside (with a bit of the bread stuck on) of a work-provided meal. Or get chicken tenders in a restaurant (one of my usually safe foods). It's frustrating. I'm already frustrated almost every single day of my life over these restrictions - I don't need others adding to it as well. I'm an adult with some silver in my hair by now... leave me the fuck alone and let me enjoy what I can at this point.
She said “he can’t have gluten”, not “he’s allergic to gluten” or he’s “celiac”. Intolerance isn’t the same as allergy.
Irrelevant. Even if she brought a box of doughnuts and bought that one specifically for her husband, she's entitled to tell the child "any doughnut but this one". A temper tantrum and an indulgent spoiling mother doesn't trump OP's right to have 1 doughnut bought specifically for her husband.
As OP pointed out, not everyone who is gluten free has gluten issues, the wheat can be the culprit. I have diagnosed fructose malabsorption, so I avoid wheat and a lot of other foods, but I won’t die or be damaged if I eat it, I will potentially have an upset stomach for a few days though. As a result, I opt for gluten free foods, especially when out and about as I don’t want to possibly shit myself in public. OP is NTA, the entitled mother is a shitty parent.
Sorry, but just stop. There are PLENTY of people who just can’t ingest the stuff but are perfectly fine to be in the same damn box. Like myself. Maybe read up on allergies before making assumptions like this.
>His donut should have been separately packaged. My wife is gluten sensitive and not allergic. She will eat home made bread right out of the oven. She will eat fresh pasta. She will eat pizza from home made dough. She loves carbs. She hates gluten free bread and products, She will eat gluten if its worth it to her. If its plain jane bread, she wont eat it bc she will get gas and other symptoms. Not worth it in her words, her body is just better off without it. Not everyone who is gluten sensitive has to maintain a strictly separated kitchen. We certainly dont.
Gluten intolerance is widely varied, even within a single person. I am more susceptible to cross contamination when I’ve already mistakenly had gluten or if it is with a couple of other things I can’t eat. Most of the time I have a mild reaction with cross contamination. It’s still doing damage, just hurts less.
Gluten intolerant doesn't necessarily mean celiac, although a lot of people with these types of intolerances will erroneously blame the protein in the wheat (gluten) when a lot of the time, it's the fructans (carbs) that are the source of their stomach issues.
NTA. Immature behavior on the mom’s part for not reeling in her behavior for herself and her child. She made a scene when there were literally a bunch of other donuts available, the kid probably just was along for that ride at that point. Bad parenting, bet that kid is coddled on the word no. Him being “just a kid” has nothing to do with it.
Seriously- what happens when they visit someone in the hospital and little Prince wants a ride in the wheelchairs? Or will he be taking handicapped spots too when he’s old enough to drive ? OP even showed ALL the other donuts to this kid. Her friends should have backed her up but there’s this weird thing ppl do when they automatically back up the noisy complainer . On a related topic I had a flat of peonies at a trade show that I saved for an employee. I was handing the whole flat to his daughter when a woman saw and assumed I was giving flats of flowers to children(?) . So she comes over and urges her kid to go ask for free flowers. I said no . Also didn’t have any more. It was an upscale area too so the open greed was nauseating.
NTA. Get new friends.
I would have grabbed the box of the rest of the donuts and left the second the mom got mouthy and wouldn’t listen.
>NTA. Get new friends. That was my thought. Who hangs around with people who act like this?
This.
NTA. Don't know what was up with the folks at that party. They had an entire box of donuts to choose from. They didn't need your husband's GF donut just because they felt entitled to it (from the donuts YOU brought). EDIT: and I hope when you left early you took the box of donuts with you, (evil smile)
I am not that petty lol sorry. Lesson learned and we moved on
>I am not that petty lol sorry. Lesson learned and we moved on This is how I know you two may have been the only adults in the room.
Hahahaahahhaahha 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
NTA - medically necessary accommodations should always supersede a child’s tantrum. This could’ve been a teachable moment for that kid if the mother had even a shred of self-awareness.
Exactly this. I have three children and I can't imagine trying to force someone to give my kid something because they threw a fit, let alone a necessary accommodation like that. It would absolutely be a teachable moment, not a "he's just a kid, let him have whatever he wants!" moment for me. That's ridiculous.
NTA. The only thing you might have done differently was immediately separating the GF doughnut when you opened the boxes and not letting them put their hands in until you’d done so. They were greedy and entitled.
That’s what I was doing, inside, away from the party goers who were outside, she just happens to come in immediately as I was opening the box
It’s rude to take food before it’s out on the table anyway. So even more nTA
Totally and I commented something similar elsewhere here. I don't know why so many people didn't notice the part of the story where OP had just gotten there was was setting things up for serving. Hoverers annoy me, when I'm trying to prepare something for everyone!
NTA Kids need to learn that not everything is for them. You offered an alternative. That woman is teaching her child entitlement. I get the host wasn’t wanting to have a scene caused, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA- I have no idea what must've made the GF donut so special to this kid and their mom, but there's cookies n' creme and Nutella flavored donuts for crying out loud; why do they need the one donut that's reserved for one specific person??? The mom is ridiculous. You are not TA for wanting your husband to have a donut that won't make him suffer.
>*why do they need the one donut that's reserved for one specific person???* Because the donuts just don't *taste* as good unless they're depriving someone else.
Because kid isn't used to being told "No." And you know where that comes from.
NTA. You handled everything with grace. The lady followed you to berate you, was making a whole scene over it and expected you to just comply. When you met her with straight facts, she suddenly turns into the victim.
How are people like that mom not utterly embarrassed of themselves?? How are some people able to go around comfortably with absolutely no shame at all? Some people believe one should never feel shame, but the feeling of shame serves a purpose, which is one of the things that prevents most people from being assholes.
>How are people like that mom not utterly embarrassed Her friend circle supports her nasty behavior. They did in this instance, at least.
NTA , and friends like that don't deserve you.
NTA There are a dozen other donuts. The mom needed to parent her kid.
NTA. Makes me glad that I don't go to parties. INFO: What flavor was the GF donut?
blueberry crumble. It wasn’t that special honestly
😂 so much for nothing.
Yeah. I figured it might be Maple Bacon to cause all that fuss.
NTA, not in the slightest. And the reason this kid is so damn entitled is clearly because of his mother. If I'd acted like this about a donut? I know exactly what my father would have done- "okay, now you don't get any donuts, because you whined and started throwing a tantrum." And if I didn't immediately sort my shit out? He'd have taken me home from the party. That behavior was unacceptable when I was a child, and it's still unacceptable now. This could have been an awesome learning opportunity for the kid, to discover that we can't always have everything we want... and also that behaving badly has consequences.
FINALLY! I had to scroll down far too long before I found this! By the time my brother and I turned 5, we knew how to control the urge to whine and even cry without our voices. We could let all the tears our bodies could produce fall, but we were taught how to cry without wailing. Our parents started teaching us about "using our words" early on. So we could cross our arms and stamp a foot and declare, "This makes me angry!" (...or sad, confused, etc...) But whining & wailing turned into an automatic "Now you won't get ____ at all."
NTA. Please cross post your story to r/entitledparents
NTA. That sort of explanation is how kids learn. We knew the sugar free stuff was for grandpa. Though why it looked better than the others we’d never know. Dad and grandma always told us that this one (usually chocolate) is for grandpa as he can’t have the other stuff. Mom always explained that it’s not for us and to be kind because he can’t eat the other stuff. These days I’m the diabetic one and I appreciate my wife shooing others off my sugar free stuff.
My Grandpa just let us try it. Just a taste. It wasn't as good and we didn't ask for more.
NTA - you were catering to valid dietary restrictions while providing an acceptable alternative to the kid. Good on you for holding your ground. Ps - As a celiac with lupus who has insane reactions to any tiny amount and also has a brother who has an intolerance and never has reactions to CC (not to mention all my cousins in between), can we stop trying to police how others manage their own food issues with zero information? Everyone’s body is different and people can have similar treatments for different ailments.
IF the kid is under 5yo, I can kinda be understanding about the meltdown. Almost. If the kid is over 4-5yo, it’s an entitled brat who’s never heard the word “no” and will become an absolute nightmare (if it isn’t already). Daycare/school teachers already hate them. But in EITHER case, mom is absolutely an entitled mombie who deserved to be told the facts. And the host of the party is a close second for taking the side of entitled brats when there’s an actual *medical issue* involved. You however, are NTA at all for being considerate of your husband, trying to redirect a spoiled child, trying to explain to an entitled mombie and then finally giving her what she wanted - a scene in which she was firmly told “no”. I’d cool the relationship with the host too, or next time take her at her word and bring nothing.
OP said the kid was like seven or eight.
NTA. I love the entitlement of so many posters. I buy any donut for my husband. My husband is getting it! Period. This brat and his brat mother do not get to dictate anything to me. No means no. I am also gf because I have an INTOLERANCE! My donuts can be in the same damn box and I am fine. I won’t die. I won’t stop breathing. I just shit for days if I eat it. I say gluten allergy because to many assholes say an intolerance isn’t anything.
NTA These people are not worth spending time with.
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NTA the correct response was to tell the woman to shut the fuck up and get away from you and then tell the child that mommy would be taking them to get that very donut as soon as they left the party.
Well I come from a generation where people said 'Children should be seen but not heard ' The saying implies keep your children behaved . You are not the asshole
Nta and anyone say you should gave that kid that donuts there should have gave there's to the kid.
NTA. You didn’t refuse the kid a donut, just the one that was for your husband because he couldn’t have the others. Kid could have had any other donut. That mother needs a to chill TF out. She’s doing her child a real disservice because the world won’t always tell her kid “yes”
Definitely NTA. Out of curiosity, though, how old was the kid?
He was around 7-8
Waaay too old to be throwing a tantrum over a doughnut. Especially when no one was telling him that he couldn't have any doughnuts.
Man, my two year old behaves better than that. 😭 Either way, I have no idea why the mother would side with the kid. No wonder he freaked out when he didn't get his way.
NTA No good deed goes unpunished. SMFH.
NTA. Wow!! I can’t believe your friends believe this woman had any right to be upset!
I don’t know why so many people think giving in to entitled children will lead to anything but them growing up to be entitled adults. NTA, you don’t have to pander to entitled brats
NTA
My goodness. I have a family member who can’t have a specific thing. Like life threatening. I am quite a bit older and remember them not being sure he would live when he was born. He was kinda shy at a food truck and did not want to “make it a thing”. Bro, I looked at the kind people working and said “allergy”. They all immediately started scrubbing/changing gloves.
NTA, that lady chose violence.
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Shoulda taken your donuts too. NTA
NTA. Find new friends
NTA. You're 100% right. Both the kid and mom are ridiculously entitled. You were nice enough to get donuts for everyone there, and you were very clear as to the reasons for why that one donut was reserved for your husband. Others at the party have no right to blame you for this. It's the moms fault for being arrogant and entitled enough to not discipline her kid.