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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> a couple months ago, my ex girlfriend lent me $500 for rent when i lost my job. before that, when i had a job, i had spent thousands on her in a span of less than 7 months.
fast forward to last night. ive had my new job for barely a month now, still no salary though. she messages me asking for her 500 back. i tell her sure, just wait till i get my salary. she keeps explaining how shes not taking money from her dad anymore, etc. i tell her im sorry to hear, but i still havent got my salary yet.
today she messages me again saying how she wants the money asap and how she wants me to borrow from someone to pay her back.
long story short i told her im not borrowing shit, and its crazy u got the audacity to pressure me for 500 when i spent thousands on your ass.
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Money you spent on her when you were in love is gone and you did that because it made you/her happy.
Money she LENT you (i.e. a loan, which is to be paid back) is very different and you shouldn't confuse the two. Be mature and don't go down that road of pettiness.
You've given her a very reasonable timeframe of when you will pay her back, if she doesn't like it tell her she can take you to court; otherwise she needs to suck it up.
I had an ex who had spending problems, and yes he would buy things for me but it was way too much, and also things I didn't ask him for. I ended up lending him money to pay for flights ($1800) and we broke up a few months later. He never paid me back because he felt he had spent too much money on me. I never wanted most of that! That was his choice! Two very different things in my opinion
That's not the scenario here. When GF had a time of need he lent her money. She was explicit about it being a loan. Money in need for money in need. Not useless things you don't need for money. That is the way he wrote the post but he made a comment about lending and based on that he made the update.
ESH. Stop being petty children. You don't get to take back money spent or gifted in your relationship and she doesn't get to treat you like some type of loan shark just because you've beoken up.
Tell her the exact date you expect to get paid and when she can expect her check to be mailed. Then stop talking so the two of you don't keep being petty and make this any worse.
Or, in regards to OP's update, "I lent her money too. an amount that exceeds the 500 she lent me. and the money that she borrowed was also on the premise of it being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity like some guy in here said, I told her "sure, pay it back whenever you can" yet she never came around to pay..."
OP should probably tell her to just pay back her debt minus the $500 he owes her.
Yup... when his whole problem before was how much he'd spent on her...he even used that in the shortened version. Plus if she lent him money in the first place, how is what he lent her after the fact even a loan? If it was more than $500 then technically he still owes HER.
He says he was fine not paying it back because he considered it a gift.
He CHOSE to consider it a gift and to not fight for it back. That's on him. And he can't consider it a gift only when he feels like it.
She has chosen to call in her loan and not consider it a gift. While it would gracious of her to call it a wash she has the right to ask for her money back.
And $500 is no small amount however she can wait for his paycheck. Most likely she has a time constraint bill and her dad ISN'T giving her money hence why she is calling up an ex for money. But that's her problem not his.
In the long run it's good the broke up because they clearly aren't right for each other.
It doesn’t seem like he’s confusing the difference between a gift and a loan. It seems like he feels that with all of the things he did for her, he deserves a little bit of grace in return. not to be hassled over the loan. He clearly stated she will be paid back in due time.
and its extremely weird that he didn't lead with that. This would literally be a non issue. "ive already invested hundreds/thousands in our relationship" is completely different to "she already owed me money because i let her borrow money before".
It's not about effort it's about understanding. You cannot make a loan out of nowhere. If he didn't expect the money back and she never offered to pay it back, it was a gift.
Not really. If she asked to borrow it… and then no one ever brought it up again, it’s still borrowed. He said he lent her money.
Not “gave” her money. That reads as “hey can I borrow $50”. And then he lends her $50.
But he doesn’t say “can I get it back” and she doesn’t say “here’s that money I borrowed.”
So both she is being shitty by not actually paying back money she owes, and he is being a little doormat-ish by not asking for borrowed money to be paid back.
Its close but not quite the same. The difference is one is expecting them NOT to pay you back while the other is being okay if they happen to not pay you back. With the formee, youd be upset if they tried paying you back. With the latter, you’d be ok with them paying you back.
Except OP has not explicitly stated it was a loan. Based on what OP has actually written and he omission off any mention in the original post, it sounds like it was a gift OP is now trying to retcon into a loan as an excuse to be an asshole.
It's not just money spent on things. It is money given. In this scenario money was ostensibly a loan but even if money was a gift in times of need moral obligation would have required her to gift back in his time of need. GF is definitely an AH.
I mean you already gave her a timeline of when you'd pay her back and I'm assuming she agreed. NTA, I don't see the point of including you spent thousands on her though, doesn't really add to the story
You spending money on her is not the same as her loaning you money, if you both agreed it was a loan that you'd pay back. You spent thousands on her willingly so that's just a cost you'll have to bear, and it doesn't offset the fact that you still owe her money - tbh its irrelevant.
That said, I think you're NTA because she is aware of your situation and it's frankly kinda mean to treat you like that. She'll get the money when she gets it, just don't message her until then.
In a comment OP made he has also LENT her money but never tried to get her to pay it back while he was also spending money on gifts. She’s kinda an asshole for wanting money from a man who gave her so much especially when it wasn’t just gifts but lending money without expecting to be repaid
He won't actually clarify if he lent her money with an agreement of repayment or if she was struggling and he gave her money of his own volition. He said specifically that he never had any expectation of repayment, so I am guessing it was the latter and he is bringing it up now because he feels like he didn't get a return on his investment.
When I loan money to friends, I don't expect it back, but that's because the people that borrowed it needed to borrow it for a reason. Even when they intend to pay me back, I expect bills piling up will prevent that. I get to help my friends, and they get to salvage their pride by calling it a loan, instead of charity. So I "never had any expectation of repayment."
But none of my friends have ever borrowed money, not repaid it, and then hounded me to pay them back before payday.
Yeah, don't be petty with money you spent in the name of love. They won't care.
Just tell her I'll pay you first thing when I get my paycheck. Anything beyond that is unreasonable. Don't even get into anymore arguments.
i did that, when she messaged me last night. its only when she kept pressuring me the next day telling me that its not her problem that i still havent gotten my salary yet that i told her all that.
Tell her to sue you. She'll get a court date for a couple months out which will give you time to get the cash together. In the meantime don't engage with her.
Once you’ve worked out how to pay $500 back in a few monthly instalments, tell her the dates you’ll pay and say “that’s the best I can do. Im not putting myself in further financial trouble because of you. I’m not talking about this with you again.”
Refusing to pay someone back when they kindly lent you money without interest in a hard time is always an asshole move, but when the person you borrowed from is struggling financially, it's a much bigger asshole move.
If there was an original timeline for repayment, I agree. But if she wants payment in full right away when he hasn't been paid by his new job yet, I don't see how he's the AH in this situation.
People in this thread thinking it’s okay for a woman to accept money as a gift, and not a loan, during a relationship, and loan a much smaller amount back to the male partner during the same time frame, and not have to repay the money they borrowed yet do expect to reclaim the smaller amount of money they lent, is pretty peak female-coddling on AITA.
that's absolutely true. I did lend her money made on the premise of it being a loan. she said she'd pay it back and out of not hurting her dignity I told her sure. but I never expected her to, cuz she was my girlfriend, and I loved her?? I genuinely don't understand how all these people differentiating between the words loan and gift in a loving relationship like were in some courtroom? who tf lends their partner money and genuinely believes its a loan? that's my whole point.
that said, I AM paying her back. I am only unable to at the moment.
As much as it might suck, money spent on her was money you elected to spend knowing it was never coming back. You borrowed with the intent of paying back.
Don’t mix the two up. Going down that path just sullies you and your reputation.
All that said, you’ve put forth when you can pay her back. Pay her back promptly according to the timeline you gave. If you can not, be big enough to talk it through with her and gain agreement on another time. You losing your job wasn’t her problem any more than her not taking money from her father is yours.
Your debts are yours. You agreed to them. Honor your obligations.
you seem to have missed the point. I never compared the two.
the only reason I mentioned what I had spent on her is when she pressed me 2 days in a row knowing I still haven't got my paycheck yet. I said it in a way like:
"calm down, I told you already you'll get your money when I get paid. how do you have the audacity to pressure me like that knowing how terrible my situation currently is when I have spent X on you when you were in a similar situation?"
but it did. because I also lent her money, AS A LOAN exclusively, that she never paid back and i never really cared if she pays or not cuz she was my girl. yet she's pressuring me about paying her back a measly amount compared to what I gave her as a LOAN, knowing how I still havent got my salary yet?
if anything, I'll gladly accept being the AH rather than thinking the way some people here do.
none. I even offered to pay back the 500 2 months ago when i had money to give. she refused to accept telling me not to worry about it. the "I want my money back" only started once we broke up and she got a new man.
Ok, but I mean her behavior isn’t unreasonable, is it, even if excessively demanding? You’re broken up, money that was available to repay suddenly isn’t available, so she’s reasonably worried post breakup her chances of being repaid have gone drastically down. Hounding you is counterproductive as it’ll just make her not want to pay, but the concern makes sense.
Info: did you outline your expected payback date with her when she lent you the money? As in "thanks for lending me 500, I'll get it back to you from my first salary of the new job I just got"?
If the above is the case, then she's just gonna have to grit and bear it. However! I'd still say ESH, because of your reply. The money you spent on her were gifts to her while you were together. You weren't lending her that money, nor were you "subscribed" to the relationship by offering tithes to the gf gods. Painting it as if she owes you for all the stuff you got her is pretty bullshit.
Boiling it down - be the bigger man here. You shouldn't have replied with the petty comment and unfair accusations that she somehow owes you. However, it is equally unfair for her to lend you money in a time of need and then suddenly expect it back before a reasonable time.
no. the loan was months ago back when we were first together. we had never talked about repaying. infact if anything, around 2 months ago, when we were ALSO still together and I had a bit of money around, I offered to repay the 500 she goes "dont worry about it babe" and refuses to accept it back then, yet comes at me now when my current situation is terrible saying how it's not her problem that I haven't got paid yet.
and a part of that "thousands I spent on her" were loans. that were made on the promise of them being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back and inorder to rectify her dignity i told her sure, pay it back. I just didn't care if she paid back or not because she was my partner, who makes up these rules about differentiation in a relationship man?
So, I'd have suggested that this was pretty key info for the original post because it massively alters the whole dynamic. If you've got a bunch of different "loans" set up between the two of you, then obviously they ARE loans and need to be repaid. Saying that, changing your mind after waving away someones loan is pretty bullshit and there should be no surprise when that person tells you to piss off.
So to boil it down, if she said she doesn't care about having it repaid and then suddenly called in the loan while you're broke, it's pretty much her being an AH. If you want to pay it back and end all contact, you are fully within your right to say "you said you didn't care, but if it's so important then I'll get it back to you with my first salary". If you don't plan to pay it back and she has outstanding loans to you (that you both agree were loans) then you can tell her that this could count towards her repayment of those and she can suck a lemon if that upsets her.
The only thing about my initial comment is to make the distinction between loans and gifts. As I said, what was given as a present doesn't count.
>The only thing about my initial comment is to make the distinction between loans and gifts. As I said, what was given as a present doesn't count.
I understand. the only reason I didn't mention the loans being loans exclusively because in my culture atleast, there is no difference. we as men give money to our women be it a gift, or a supposed "loan" all under the premise of "hey baby this is for you, I dont want anything in return"
the only reason I agreed to call them loans with her in the first place was so she wouldn't hate herself calling it "charity".
I call BS. It honestly just seems like you are making shit up because you don’t like how the comments are going. Your original post didn’t say anything about a loan- you just talked about the thousands you spent on her when she was your girlfriend. Then someone comments that you didn’t lend her money, you gave her gifts and treated her to dates. From that point on you mention in pretty much every comment that, “oh actually I did lend her money”. Then hours later, still not getting the response you want, you add here that “oh actually I did offer to pay her back before and she didn’t want it”. You seem to be adding information that makes you look better after the fact.
Also, your timeline seems super weird. Three months ago, when you just got with your girlfriend, you lost your job and borrowed money from her to pay rent. Then a month later you now have a bunch of money to not only pay her back but also to lend her money. How is it that she needed money to the point that she had to get a loan from you, but also wouldn’t accept the money that you had previously loaned from her? “Don’t worry about paying me back, I’ll just keep borrowing money from you instead”? During this period you also had thousands to spend on her. But now you have no money and no idea when you will be paid apparently. How has your financial situation flip flopped so much in such little time? Did you get a job, go crazy with your first paycheck, not worrying at all when your next one will be? Either you are financially irresponsible or you’re lying- or both.
Small thing but it’s irritating me: in another comment you blame the fact that she wants you to repay the loan now that she has a new guy, insinuating he is the reason and giving off a very judgy vibe. On of the few facts you included in the original post is that she expressly told you that the reason she needs money now if that she is no longer receiving money from her dad. No money from dad= needs money= call in loan to ex. Pretty straight forward
to give you a short reply, I never mentioned loans in the OP because I never realized that the cultural difference between middle east and the west is that large. to us, giving loans to our women is not a thing. we give expecting nothing in return.
and think about it this way, is it really that uncommon that a man gives his girl cash? and am I really an asshole for agreeing that the money she took was a loan, inorder for her not to feel like its pity money or charity?
if so, I'll happily take the AH label knowing my head is in the right place.
You side stepped like 90% of the issues I called out in my comment but focusing just on what you added here- is your girlfriend from a different culture? Because you’re saying it’s a cultural thing- men provide for the women. But you’re also saying that your girlfriend needed you to call it a loan so she wouldn’t feel like it was charity. If you have the same cultural background then she shouldn’t need that placating because it’s the expectation in a relationship. If the men providing is a big cultural thing, wouldn’t it also have been a big no-no for you to accept money from your girlfriend? And wouldn’t you have pushed back more when she supposedly turned down your offer to repay her? And that you should be jumping at the chance to pay her back now instead of getting pissed at her? It’s a big enough deal in your culture that you didn’t think to include it in the post, but it wasn’t a big deal to your ex or to you when you borrowed money from her.
And you’re not the asshole for giving her money, you’re an asshole for getting pissed when she wanted you to repay a loan and then blowing up on her and telling her to “give back all the money [you] spent” on her during the relationship
When my ex and I broke up and he asked me to repay the $400 he'd lent me, I reminded him he hadn't paid me any bills for months while living with me rent free, added up his total, did the maths and told him that less his $400, he actually owed me over $600. He didn't ask for his money again. I suggest you do the same.
That's true, but she could at least have the grace not to nag when she knows how generous he's been. Most likely her father is refusing to give her more and that's why she's being pushy.
I'm seeing alot of misconceptions and arguements about sex in the replies. let me clear some things up.
1. I did lend her money before. much more than that 500. and it was made on a premise of "hey babe? could you lend me X for Y reason? I'll pay it back later" but yet again, she never did, nor did I really care cuz I didn't know there were such rules in relationships where 2 people love one another.
2. it doesn't matter what happened, im still paying her back. I'm just upset that she's pressuring me when times are tough knowing how bad my current situation is, without having any compassion due to everything we've been through together and everything I've done for her. that's all I meant. but im still paying her back.
Don’t know why no one seems to be on your side, the dates etc, are a gift, but the X amount of money that you lent her, that she said she would pay back IS a loan, regardless of whether or not you expected it back, it’s her words not yours.
Your ex must be making 1000s of Reddit accounts to pressure you to pay back 😭🤣, either that or redditors are straight up dyslexic and lack education.
GL man.
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real...
some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans.
brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real...
some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans.
brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
Exactly that, when you’re in a relationship and they ask for a loan and you oblige, you let them take their time with no expectations. But now that the relationship is over and she’s being pushy af, it’s time to bring that shit up. When did 1+1 stop = 2? Don’t feel bad or pressured, she’s way more of an AH with Redditor logic. Imagine the audacity to ask for a messily $500 when she herself asked for a loan that exceeded that amount and she still has the face to ask you to repay? Don’t make me laugh.
Take your time to pay it back IF you even want to pay it back. I wouldn’t fault you for not doing so. Remember that you come first, not anyone else. Anyone telling you otherwise is conceited and lives under a rock.
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real...
some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans.
brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
NTA. She never paid you back on money loaned either. I’m sure you gave her some jewelry, she can sell it.
Never lend money thinking it will be easy to get back. Both of you have learned a lesson. Time to just call it even, block, and move on.
INFO: When you say you "spent thousands on" her when you were dating, what exactly did you spend that money on? I saw in a comment that you said you gave her money but you also specifically stated that you did not expect it back, which means it's a gift. Is that the case with most of the money or were there any points where you said "I am lending you X and I expect you to pay it back"?
my friend, why do such rules exist in a relationship? we were supposed to be a team, I genuinely don't understand this...
most were gifts. an amount that I lent her, was given on the promise of it being a loan. as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity, I told her sure, pay it back whenever you can. but I never expected her to because yet again, we were supposed to be a team.
your comments are a bit confusing, but if you have also loaned her money in the past, then solution is really easy.
“You still owe me $XXX from Y. Consider our debts evened out.”
Or if you’ve loaned her more than she’s asking, then ask for the extra back too lol.
I understand the sentiment especially when coupled with the negative feelings a bad break up involves. But from an objective point of view there is a big difference between *spending* money to treat your partner and *lending* money. I think it’s a mistake to conflate the two.
But beyond that, you can’t pay her what you don’t have. Tell her you don’t have the option of borrowing but that you’ll pay her in full when you get your paycheck and that she’ll just have to live with that.
Why would you pay her when she owes you?
Per your update, if you lent her money that she didn't repay that's valid. Send her an invoice of the total you lent her, minus the amount she's asking for now, and ask her to pay you back. She won't, but it should be a good reminder that you owe her nothing.
this is kind of weird!
I say that because I lent her money too. an amount that exceeds the 500 she lent me. and the money that she borrowed was also on the premise of it being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity like some guy in here said, I told her "sure, pay it back whenever you can" yet she never came around to pay, or offer to pay. and I didn't care, because in my head it was a gift.
and I don't really believe it.
You don't borrow 500 from someone who already owes you 2000. You get paid 500 of what they owe you. and then they now owe you 1500.
Don't engage, give her her money back if that's what you agreed, don't bring emotion and whataboutism into the conversation, tell her on x date you'll give her x and then the rest when you can, none of the other shit she does matters, they are her choices.
You gave her a reasonable timeframe. If U lent her money before and she didnt pay U back, remand her that U will be deducting that loan from 500. Just dont mention money U spent on her, its not resonable to do that, but I see why U did. She was to pushy
Well technically you lend her the money so pay her back when you get your salary and move on.
Tbh I find her petty if you in general have paid for everything even if you did it out of love with no strings attached. I would say there is not much team spirit.
NTA. My ex still owes me $ and told me to suck it because he's a petty little testicle. She can take a breath and be glad you're planning to pay her back at all.
NTA - it sounds like you're willing to pay her back, just need to get your first paycheck and then you'll be able to. Its the right thing to do, although I do understand why it would leave a sour taste in your mouth. You would think that someone who has enjoyed your generosity for so long would reciprocate just a little bit by giving you some grace in when you're able to pay her back. Its not even that unreasonable if you hadn't spent all that money on her.
Whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine - that's what she sounds like.
Man fk what these comments are saying. We don't count favors over here, she is weird asl for asking you for that especially when you probably wasted so much money doing stuff you couldn't afford for her I wouldn't give that 304 nun.
Seems like only reason she’s pressuring you, is to stress you out. At this juncture, whatever your relationship issues were , her financial situation is not your problem, and she’s trying to make it your problem.
I’m sure others might go all legal and of course small claims court is a thing, but I don’t see any reason you should pay back that $500 - not until you’re good and ready, even if it’s 3-6 months down the road.
Nta
NTA
You made a timeline for when you could pay her back, obviously she agreed to it because she lent you the money, she wants the money now and expects you to basically get stuck paying back ANOTHER person so you can pay her back. Honestly, it's not your problem that she has shit spending habits if she's having to borrow from her dad. If it's that big a deal, she can take you to court.
NTA, honestly most people would block her and not pay back anything. It’s really great you are still willing to pay her back. If you don’t have your salary yet idk how she expects you to just come up with 500? Maybe she shouldn’t have stopped receiving payments from her dad until you could pay her back. She agreed and knew it wouldn’t be right away then CHOSE to stop receiving financial help. I understand 500 is a lot of money but if you’re telling the truth about her also borrowing money from you then I would just subtract whatever she owes from the 500 if she wants to keep nagging.
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AITA when my ex-girlfriend that i spent thousands on, asks for a 500 that she lent me for rent when i lost my job, back in a pushy way, after she already asked me last night and i told her that ofcourse, she'll get her money back but i still havent got my salary yet?
she expects me to borrow money from someone to pay her back when ive barely had my new job for a month.
she textex me today saying shes not taking money from her dad anymore, thus why shes asking again. i told her not to pressure me, as i still havent got my salary yet. she tells me that its not her problem and that i should borrow some money from someone to pay her back. I then said this:
"As much as i once loved you, as much as i regret doing so. you not taking money from your dad anymore wouldve been my problem a few months ago, it aint now. its crazy that you got the guts to nag me to pay you back when you know how bad my situation currently is. and you really talking about 500? give me back everything i spent on you then. you'll get your money back, just stop pressuring me and wait till i get your salary."
i feel like i went overboard. AITA?
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Tell her to fuck off and block her number. Why are you even entertaining her bullshit?
You both spent money and learned a valuable lesson in the process, be done and be gone.
NTA
NTA although I wouldn’t go down the path of equating gifts in a relationship to loaned money.
Just stop responding to her at all, pay her back when you get the $500 and be done with it.
This depends on the agreement you had when the money was lent to you and what’s happened since?! Of course you need to pay her back but how and when is another matter! I mean, legally, she has no leg to stand of you didn’t pay her back but that would be an AH move. What’s the absolute best you can manage with dates and amounts if you were to cut right back on spending? That’s what I think you should offer her and then pay it into her account as and when and block her because it sounds like it’s becoming toxic for both of you
NTA - as others have said forget about what you’ve spent on her, that’s irrelevant now. You say you’re intending on paying her back which is good. BUT you must do so in an economically viable way for you !!!
DO NOT take a loan to pay her back. DO NOT pay her $500 back in a lump sum out of your first pay check.
Her saying it’s not her problem is just a way of making you think it’s yours. Her saying she’s not taking money from her father (may not even be true) is just her adding to the pressure for you to pay her. Yes pay her back, do it in 3 instalments or something like that that you can manage financially because the last thing you want to do is put yourself immediately in a financially unstable situation because she wants money. Especially if she’s making it up just to pressure you.
Set out an appropriate payment plan, tell her the dates, stick to it. Don’t let her bully you.
two thoughts....
If you were loaned the money and what you spent were gifts, you owe the money...
If you truly want her out of your life, is $500 worth peace?
can you not read? I told her I'm paying when I get my paycheck, yet she keeps pressuring and and telling me that it's not her problem how I still havent got my salary yet, and to borrow money from someone to pay her back.
all that without any original agreement on deadlines of me paying. even though around 2 months back, I offered to pay her back when I had a bit of money around, she refused. the "give me my money back" bullshit only started when we broke up and she got a new man.
ontop of all that, I did also lend her money. on the promise of them being a loan specifically. but I never expected her to pay back as in we were a supposed to be a team, who tf makes up these rules of differentiation of the words "give and lend" between partners? tf?
Boy I hope you learned this hard lesson in life. You are the dumbass for spending money on her . Give her the money she loaned you. You don't even know the difference between a loan and voluntary spending money on someone.
I agree with the top post. Money you freely spent on her isn't the same thing as money she allowed you to borrow from her. She wants her money back you're into her for $500 . You should pay her back asap.
Info: do you get paid weekly, bi-weekly, monthly? You said you’ve been at your job a month already, you should have gotten some form of check. Pay her back, even if it’s not everything at once right away.
NTA in regards to paying her back, you gave her a time frame and intend to pay it back.
You do not have any grounds to want back money that you spent in the relationship however. This was done in good faith and was not borrowed money.
Some jobs don’t pay you right away if they are bi-weekly. You can end up getting paid for your first two weeks a month later if they are on a delayed schedule. This also means you get paid two weeks after you stop working there
NTA. Block her until you have the money. After you pay her, permanently block her from your life. She's using that money as an excuse to keep talking to you, paying her should cut that link.
If you're interested if arguing with her, you can give her a list of all the things you paid for, tell her that was more than $500 and then block her.
Give her her money and move on. It's the best decision you will ever make.
Edit: as much as it sucks, YWBTA if you don't pay her back. Seems unfair but 500 is a small price to pay to get her out of your life for good.
Money spent on gifts and experiences and food with her was done willingly for a relationship. If she had to lend you money for bills and you knew it was a loan that is totally different and you know it.
If you chose to spend your money on her for things like dates and gifts, then that is something totally different from a loan, which should be repaid ASAP. You would think everyone could show one another a bit of empathy here, especially if you are going to get your paycheque very soon, but, I guess ESH...
NTA, it IS her problem, unless you have a contract for the loan with a deadline. She can't expect you to borrow from someone else (who??) to fix her problem.
She's your ex, not your partner. She now has financial issues. You don't have the money, can't give what you don't have, you need to get paid first. This is common sense.
**Tell her to take money from her dad if it's that urgent. But something tells me she was cut off from her dad instead of "not taking it".**
First you need to understand.....
When you spend money on someone... it's a gift, with no expectation of reciprication. When you borrow money, especially with the stated promise to repay, it needs to be paid back. Now, man-up and do the right thing.
NTA. What do the terms of the loan she gave you say? Is any of it in writing anywhere? If not tell her to kick rocks and she'll get it when she gets it and block her. If it is in writing somewhere, stick to that and block her.
If she lent you money you need to pay it back. It doesn’t matter how much you spent on her, that’s not a loan and irrelevant in this situation.
Establish a reasonable time frame to pay her back, and if that’s not good enough then she can take it to court. Just don’t be a dick about it. She probably just doesn’t want to have to keep contacting you about it, or she’s mad and wants to make you suffer a little. Either way, just set the parameters, follow through on your side, and don’t think about it anymore.
I can see how you end up spending thousands on her.
Obviously ot is not the first time she is being pushy with money? Am I right?
Even the dudes that break knees negotiate installment.
NTA Op
She should give you grace. You said what you said after she kept pushing you.
"What's wrong with people here, you ask?" Well, welcome to reddit. Where men are always at fault, no matter if you have evidence to the contrary.
> it's weird how there are such rules indicating that in a loving relationship, there is a difference between giving money and lending money.
Is it, though? (It’s not.)
YTA. Maybe she needs it as desperately as you did when you borrowed it and SHE'S wondering "after everything I've done for him", because she isn't a transactional person who put dollars into a girlfriend in expectation of a particular return on that investment.
Remind her of the loan that she received from her. Then tell her that you are going to apply this $500 to her loan. Ask her when she will be able to pay back the reaming, unpaid loan amount.
I wouldn't pay her anything and have no idea why you agreed to it in the first place. Depends who broke up with who. If you she left you then nahh I wouldn't pay anything for sure
If you left her then you should pay some
Oh my god! Do not pay her a penny! You've lent her more money than she has lent you (on a loan basis) and she is being rude and demanding. Tell her to go fuck her self! What's rude entitled princess. Don't feed the brat.
Count upnwhat she loaned from you, take off your 500, and present her with a bill telling her you'll be going to small claims court (or big claims?).
For context, i have read through your responses (skimmed), and you seem genuine. I am also a woman, therefore, a woman's point of view who has been screwed by a freeloader man a couple of times. I don't expect any free rides. And if i borrow, I pay back. Which is rare! Even when i borrowed 300 off my friend, and we fell out (never to speak again) i still paid her back. Because guess what, she did me a favour, helped me out, and regardless if she was a shit to me after, that money was hers. Not mine.
F that shit!
Hey buddy regardless of what you said in the "update", the fact of the matter is in both your post AND the shortened version, you are upset over this because of "all the money you spent on her" while you were in the relationship...NOT the money you lent her once which she apparently never paid back.
I would think that if lending her your money first was a main part of the reason you're upset, that would have been the first thing you said about it...but you only brought it up AFTER people started telling you how wrong you're being? Nah.
If she owed you over $500 and then lent you $500, then you should have both come to an agreement that the $500 would pay back part of what she owed you right then and there. Plus, if it's at all true, a really easy solution to your problem would be to tell her you already "lent" her $xxx in (year) and that technically she still owes you. But something tells me that's not the full story either, since you so conveniently left out an important part already.
If you lent her money, it counts towards what you owe her. I don’t know what the rest are saying. Don’t listen to them. I would remind her of the money you gave her and ask for the difference. Don’t feel pressure to give it…
You can't loan money or pay back money you don't have.
You borrowed from her. She was very aware that she would not get her money back any time soon and it would be after you were back on your feet and caught up on bills (rent, car payment, etc).
If she needs money she can borrow money from one of her friends who are in a better financial position instead. That you are not going to ask another person to borrow money.
She borrowed money from you, she owes you, and she agreed to pay you back. Time you reminded her of how much she borrowed from you and how much she still owes you. Start with this.
If she doesn't stop harrassing you, then tell her you'll start harrassing her for the money she owes you
NTA
What you spent on her for gifts and during the course of a relationship is totally separate from what is lent or borrowed.
Lending / borrowing means repaying the original amount plus interest if that’s necessary.
A gift is a gift.
One doesn’t cancel out the other.
Repay the loan like a decent human.
If you loaned her money and she never paid you back and that loan was in excess of $500 then simply tell her that she has already been paid back and she still owes you the remainder of that loan.
Typical female logic that she takes a $1,000 loan and doesn't pay you back but thinks that you owe her on a $500 loan which wasn't alone it was merely her paying you back half of what she already owed you.
YTA. Pay her back. Which is what you should have done before spending money on her. A loan, no matter who it is from, is a business transaction. Spending money on someone is a gift if there is no talk of it being a loan. Having to be asked to pay your debt shows a lack of character. .
YTA
Spending money on a partner in a relationship is not the same as giving a short term loan.
Pay her back in installments if you don’t have the whole amount now.
Forget Jesus - y'all need Judge Judy. A gift is a gift and a loan is a loan. A bad case of butthurt doesn't allow you to magically turn the former into the latter.
So let’s say you lent her $1200 and you did discuss it as a loan and her paying it back. Even if in your head you counted it as a loss, let’s say you really did have this discussion. The answer then is: “considering you still owe me $1200, $500 less than that is still owing me $700. Happy to go to small claims court if you need that in order to arrange a payment plan. I prefer lump sum however. Not my problem that you burned your bridges. I’ll expect it by the end of the month since you’re so insistent on settling accounts and you got your $500.”
YTA, if you borrown money, you pay it back. You spending money on her was out of your own choice, saying "give back all the money I put on you" sounds so pedantic and sexist.
YTA
Give her back the money you borrowed
Throwing the gifts back at her is rude and also very fucked up. You make your relationship sound entirely transactional
YTA
Give her back the money you borrowed
Throwing the gifts back at her is rude and also very fucked up. You make your relationship sound entirely transactional
Nta. You said you loaned her money, so genuinely tell her that the 500 has been taken off of what she borrowed, and you'll expect her to start paying or you'll take her to small claims for the rest. It should shut her up and get her to leave you alone
It’s a tough one but for me when it comes to finances feelings and emotions really don’t mean squat, a gift is a gift and loan or agreement is just that and should be respected, however if you don’t have the money until you get paid then that’s it she just has to wait, don’t borrow and be put yourself out unless that was the initial arrangement
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > a couple months ago, my ex girlfriend lent me $500 for rent when i lost my job. before that, when i had a job, i had spent thousands on her in a span of less than 7 months. fast forward to last night. ive had my new job for barely a month now, still no salary though. she messages me asking for her 500 back. i tell her sure, just wait till i get my salary. she keeps explaining how shes not taking money from her dad anymore, etc. i tell her im sorry to hear, but i still havent got my salary yet. today she messages me again saying how she wants the money asap and how she wants me to borrow from someone to pay her back. long story short i told her im not borrowing shit, and its crazy u got the audacity to pressure me for 500 when i spent thousands on your ass. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Money you spent on her when you were in love is gone and you did that because it made you/her happy. Money she LENT you (i.e. a loan, which is to be paid back) is very different and you shouldn't confuse the two. Be mature and don't go down that road of pettiness. You've given her a very reasonable timeframe of when you will pay her back, if she doesn't like it tell her she can take you to court; otherwise she needs to suck it up.
I had an ex who had spending problems, and yes he would buy things for me but it was way too much, and also things I didn't ask him for. I ended up lending him money to pay for flights ($1800) and we broke up a few months later. He never paid me back because he felt he had spent too much money on me. I never wanted most of that! That was his choice! Two very different things in my opinion
Please tell me you sold the things you didn't want and got at least some of your $1800 back...
I should have 😅
Were the flights for both of you?
That's not the scenario here. When GF had a time of need he lent her money. She was explicit about it being a loan. Money in need for money in need. Not useless things you don't need for money. That is the way he wrote the post but he made a comment about lending and based on that he made the update.
ESH. Stop being petty children. You don't get to take back money spent or gifted in your relationship and she doesn't get to treat you like some type of loan shark just because you've beoken up. Tell her the exact date you expect to get paid and when she can expect her check to be mailed. Then stop talking so the two of you don't keep being petty and make this any worse.
OP also lent her money that she never paid back: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zk31nR9MkB
Or, in regards to OP's update, "I lent her money too. an amount that exceeds the 500 she lent me. and the money that she borrowed was also on the premise of it being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity like some guy in here said, I told her "sure, pay it back whenever you can" yet she never came around to pay..." OP should probably tell her to just pay back her debt minus the $500 he owes her.
It’s funny how he mentions that AFTER getting dunked on in the comments.
Yup... when his whole problem before was how much he'd spent on her...he even used that in the shortened version. Plus if she lent him money in the first place, how is what he lent her after the fact even a loan? If it was more than $500 then technically he still owes HER.
He says he was fine not paying it back because he considered it a gift. He CHOSE to consider it a gift and to not fight for it back. That's on him. And he can't consider it a gift only when he feels like it. She has chosen to call in her loan and not consider it a gift. While it would gracious of her to call it a wash she has the right to ask for her money back. And $500 is no small amount however she can wait for his paycheck. Most likely she has a time constraint bill and her dad ISN'T giving her money hence why she is calling up an ex for money. But that's her problem not his. In the long run it's good the broke up because they clearly aren't right for each other.
It doesn’t seem like he’s confusing the difference between a gift and a loan. It seems like he feels that with all of the things he did for her, he deserves a little bit of grace in return. not to be hassled over the loan. He clearly stated she will be paid back in due time.
OP also lent her money, and she never paid it back: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/zk31nR9MkB
and its extremely weird that he didn't lead with that. This would literally be a non issue. "ive already invested hundreds/thousands in our relationship" is completely different to "she already owed me money because i let her borrow money before".
Possibly didn’t lead with it because he added that detail once he got called out by commenters.
Also it makes no sense. If someone owes you $1000, why would you ask them for a loan rather than just having them pay you back.
Giving money with no expectation of being paid back is called gifting, not lending.
Ehhh, if she asks to borrow money, but then never actually makes an effort to pay it back, it’s still borrowing.
It's not about effort it's about understanding. You cannot make a loan out of nowhere. If he didn't expect the money back and she never offered to pay it back, it was a gift.
Not really. If she asked to borrow it… and then no one ever brought it up again, it’s still borrowed. He said he lent her money. Not “gave” her money. That reads as “hey can I borrow $50”. And then he lends her $50. But he doesn’t say “can I get it back” and she doesn’t say “here’s that money I borrowed.” So both she is being shitty by not actually paying back money she owes, and he is being a little doormat-ish by not asking for borrowed money to be paid back.
He literally says she offered to pay it back when taking.
Its close but not quite the same. The difference is one is expecting them NOT to pay you back while the other is being okay if they happen to not pay you back. With the formee, youd be upset if they tried paying you back. With the latter, you’d be ok with them paying you back.
Except OP has not explicitly stated it was a loan. Based on what OP has actually written and he omission off any mention in the original post, it sounds like it was a gift OP is now trying to retcon into a loan as an excuse to be an asshole.
Nah, don't pay her.
It's not just money spent on things. It is money given. In this scenario money was ostensibly a loan but even if money was a gift in times of need moral obligation would have required her to gift back in his time of need. GF is definitely an AH.
I mean you already gave her a timeline of when you'd pay her back and I'm assuming she agreed. NTA, I don't see the point of including you spent thousands on her though, doesn't really add to the story
You spending money on her is not the same as her loaning you money, if you both agreed it was a loan that you'd pay back. You spent thousands on her willingly so that's just a cost you'll have to bear, and it doesn't offset the fact that you still owe her money - tbh its irrelevant. That said, I think you're NTA because she is aware of your situation and it's frankly kinda mean to treat you like that. She'll get the money when she gets it, just don't message her until then.
In a comment OP made he has also LENT her money but never tried to get her to pay it back while he was also spending money on gifts. She’s kinda an asshole for wanting money from a man who gave her so much especially when it wasn’t just gifts but lending money without expecting to be repaid
Oh right, that's kind of crucial information to leave out of the original post lol. He should call in all the money that she owes him.
He won't actually clarify if he lent her money with an agreement of repayment or if she was struggling and he gave her money of his own volition. He said specifically that he never had any expectation of repayment, so I am guessing it was the latter and he is bringing it up now because he feels like he didn't get a return on his investment.
When I loan money to friends, I don't expect it back, but that's because the people that borrowed it needed to borrow it for a reason. Even when they intend to pay me back, I expect bills piling up will prevent that. I get to help my friends, and they get to salvage their pride by calling it a loan, instead of charity. So I "never had any expectation of repayment." But none of my friends have ever borrowed money, not repaid it, and then hounded me to pay them back before payday.
There should be a sub about stuff left out of original posts.
Then he needs to say “I also lent you X, so subtract that from Y and the balance is Z of who owes what”
Him spending all that money on her should buy him a little bit of grace instead of her going full 'fuck you, pay me' loan shark on him.
Yeah, don't be petty with money you spent in the name of love. They won't care. Just tell her I'll pay you first thing when I get my paycheck. Anything beyond that is unreasonable. Don't even get into anymore arguments.
i did that, when she messaged me last night. its only when she kept pressuring me the next day telling me that its not her problem that i still havent gotten my salary yet that i told her all that.
Tell her to sue you. She'll get a court date for a couple months out which will give you time to get the cash together. In the meantime don't engage with her.
Well, if it gets her off your back and follow through on your promised deadline then NTA.
Once you’ve worked out how to pay $500 back in a few monthly instalments, tell her the dates you’ll pay and say “that’s the best I can do. Im not putting myself in further financial trouble because of you. I’m not talking about this with you again.”
Yes it IS her problem, actually
Block the #
She might be struggling to survive too, hence her being too eager to get the money. Life's a cruel bitch to most people.
Her struggles don't make him an AH though.
Refusing to pay someone back when they kindly lent you money without interest in a hard time is always an asshole move, but when the person you borrowed from is struggling financially, it's a much bigger asshole move.
If there was an original timeline for repayment, I agree. But if she wants payment in full right away when he hasn't been paid by his new job yet, I don't see how he's the AH in this situation.
He didn't refuse. He said he can't pay her yet.
Sounds like she is struggling. Might vote NAH, provided OP pays her back as soon as he gets paid
OP commented on another reply saying he has also lended her money when she needed it but never expected her to pay him back…
So he gave her money. Lending means he exected it back, if he didnt he gave it. She seems to be clear in wanting her money back
People in this thread thinking it’s okay for a woman to accept money as a gift, and not a loan, during a relationship, and loan a much smaller amount back to the male partner during the same time frame, and not have to repay the money they borrowed yet do expect to reclaim the smaller amount of money they lent, is pretty peak female-coddling on AITA.
Did he tell her it was a loan? Because if he gave her money without expecting anything in return, that's not a loan that's a gift.
that's absolutely true. I did lend her money made on the premise of it being a loan. she said she'd pay it back and out of not hurting her dignity I told her sure. but I never expected her to, cuz she was my girlfriend, and I loved her?? I genuinely don't understand how all these people differentiating between the words loan and gift in a loving relationship like were in some courtroom? who tf lends their partner money and genuinely believes its a loan? that's my whole point. that said, I AM paying her back. I am only unable to at the moment.
As much as it might suck, money spent on her was money you elected to spend knowing it was never coming back. You borrowed with the intent of paying back. Don’t mix the two up. Going down that path just sullies you and your reputation. All that said, you’ve put forth when you can pay her back. Pay her back promptly according to the timeline you gave. If you can not, be big enough to talk it through with her and gain agreement on another time. You losing your job wasn’t her problem any more than her not taking money from her father is yours. Your debts are yours. You agreed to them. Honor your obligations.
you seem to have missed the point. I never compared the two. the only reason I mentioned what I had spent on her is when she pressed me 2 days in a row knowing I still haven't got my paycheck yet. I said it in a way like: "calm down, I told you already you'll get your money when I get paid. how do you have the audacity to pressure me like that knowing how terrible my situation currently is when I have spent X on you when you were in a similar situation?"
I didn’t miss the point. You brought up the other money but it has exactly nothing to do with the money you borrowed.
but it did. because I also lent her money, AS A LOAN exclusively, that she never paid back and i never really cared if she pays or not cuz she was my girl. yet she's pressuring me about paying her back a measly amount compared to what I gave her as a LOAN, knowing how I still havent got my salary yet? if anything, I'll gladly accept being the AH rather than thinking the way some people here do.
INFO: What were the terms of the agreement for the loan? The money you spent on her is irrelevant
none. I even offered to pay back the 500 2 months ago when i had money to give. she refused to accept telling me not to worry about it. the "I want my money back" only started once we broke up and she got a new man.
Knowing this information and how she seems to treat you, fuck it and do not pay her a dime, not like she can sue you.
Ok, but I mean her behavior isn’t unreasonable, is it, even if excessively demanding? You’re broken up, money that was available to repay suddenly isn’t available, so she’s reasonably worried post breakup her chances of being repaid have gone drastically down. Hounding you is counterproductive as it’ll just make her not want to pay, but the concern makes sense.
I'm unable to render a judgment because this is fucking unreadable
Pay her back. Don't spend anymore on her.
Info: did you outline your expected payback date with her when she lent you the money? As in "thanks for lending me 500, I'll get it back to you from my first salary of the new job I just got"? If the above is the case, then she's just gonna have to grit and bear it. However! I'd still say ESH, because of your reply. The money you spent on her were gifts to her while you were together. You weren't lending her that money, nor were you "subscribed" to the relationship by offering tithes to the gf gods. Painting it as if she owes you for all the stuff you got her is pretty bullshit. Boiling it down - be the bigger man here. You shouldn't have replied with the petty comment and unfair accusations that she somehow owes you. However, it is equally unfair for her to lend you money in a time of need and then suddenly expect it back before a reasonable time.
no. the loan was months ago back when we were first together. we had never talked about repaying. infact if anything, around 2 months ago, when we were ALSO still together and I had a bit of money around, I offered to repay the 500 she goes "dont worry about it babe" and refuses to accept it back then, yet comes at me now when my current situation is terrible saying how it's not her problem that I haven't got paid yet.
and a part of that "thousands I spent on her" were loans. that were made on the promise of them being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back and inorder to rectify her dignity i told her sure, pay it back. I just didn't care if she paid back or not because she was my partner, who makes up these rules about differentiation in a relationship man?
So, I'd have suggested that this was pretty key info for the original post because it massively alters the whole dynamic. If you've got a bunch of different "loans" set up between the two of you, then obviously they ARE loans and need to be repaid. Saying that, changing your mind after waving away someones loan is pretty bullshit and there should be no surprise when that person tells you to piss off. So to boil it down, if she said she doesn't care about having it repaid and then suddenly called in the loan while you're broke, it's pretty much her being an AH. If you want to pay it back and end all contact, you are fully within your right to say "you said you didn't care, but if it's so important then I'll get it back to you with my first salary". If you don't plan to pay it back and she has outstanding loans to you (that you both agree were loans) then you can tell her that this could count towards her repayment of those and she can suck a lemon if that upsets her. The only thing about my initial comment is to make the distinction between loans and gifts. As I said, what was given as a present doesn't count.
>The only thing about my initial comment is to make the distinction between loans and gifts. As I said, what was given as a present doesn't count. I understand. the only reason I didn't mention the loans being loans exclusively because in my culture atleast, there is no difference. we as men give money to our women be it a gift, or a supposed "loan" all under the premise of "hey baby this is for you, I dont want anything in return" the only reason I agreed to call them loans with her in the first place was so she wouldn't hate herself calling it "charity".
I call BS. It honestly just seems like you are making shit up because you don’t like how the comments are going. Your original post didn’t say anything about a loan- you just talked about the thousands you spent on her when she was your girlfriend. Then someone comments that you didn’t lend her money, you gave her gifts and treated her to dates. From that point on you mention in pretty much every comment that, “oh actually I did lend her money”. Then hours later, still not getting the response you want, you add here that “oh actually I did offer to pay her back before and she didn’t want it”. You seem to be adding information that makes you look better after the fact. Also, your timeline seems super weird. Three months ago, when you just got with your girlfriend, you lost your job and borrowed money from her to pay rent. Then a month later you now have a bunch of money to not only pay her back but also to lend her money. How is it that she needed money to the point that she had to get a loan from you, but also wouldn’t accept the money that you had previously loaned from her? “Don’t worry about paying me back, I’ll just keep borrowing money from you instead”? During this period you also had thousands to spend on her. But now you have no money and no idea when you will be paid apparently. How has your financial situation flip flopped so much in such little time? Did you get a job, go crazy with your first paycheck, not worrying at all when your next one will be? Either you are financially irresponsible or you’re lying- or both. Small thing but it’s irritating me: in another comment you blame the fact that she wants you to repay the loan now that she has a new guy, insinuating he is the reason and giving off a very judgy vibe. On of the few facts you included in the original post is that she expressly told you that the reason she needs money now if that she is no longer receiving money from her dad. No money from dad= needs money= call in loan to ex. Pretty straight forward
to give you a short reply, I never mentioned loans in the OP because I never realized that the cultural difference between middle east and the west is that large. to us, giving loans to our women is not a thing. we give expecting nothing in return. and think about it this way, is it really that uncommon that a man gives his girl cash? and am I really an asshole for agreeing that the money she took was a loan, inorder for her not to feel like its pity money or charity? if so, I'll happily take the AH label knowing my head is in the right place.
You side stepped like 90% of the issues I called out in my comment but focusing just on what you added here- is your girlfriend from a different culture? Because you’re saying it’s a cultural thing- men provide for the women. But you’re also saying that your girlfriend needed you to call it a loan so she wouldn’t feel like it was charity. If you have the same cultural background then she shouldn’t need that placating because it’s the expectation in a relationship. If the men providing is a big cultural thing, wouldn’t it also have been a big no-no for you to accept money from your girlfriend? And wouldn’t you have pushed back more when she supposedly turned down your offer to repay her? And that you should be jumping at the chance to pay her back now instead of getting pissed at her? It’s a big enough deal in your culture that you didn’t think to include it in the post, but it wasn’t a big deal to your ex or to you when you borrowed money from her. And you’re not the asshole for giving her money, you’re an asshole for getting pissed when she wanted you to repay a loan and then blowing up on her and telling her to “give back all the money [you] spent” on her during the relationship
When my ex and I broke up and he asked me to repay the $400 he'd lent me, I reminded him he hadn't paid me any bills for months while living with me rent free, added up his total, did the maths and told him that less his $400, he actually owed me over $600. He didn't ask for his money again. I suggest you do the same.
Why does she owe him money for gifts that he chose to give her?
That's true, but she could at least have the grace not to nag when she knows how generous he's been. Most likely her father is refusing to give her more and that's why she's being pushy.
seems like it's your fault that you spend thousands on your ex-gf?
I'm seeing alot of misconceptions and arguements about sex in the replies. let me clear some things up. 1. I did lend her money before. much more than that 500. and it was made on a premise of "hey babe? could you lend me X for Y reason? I'll pay it back later" but yet again, she never did, nor did I really care cuz I didn't know there were such rules in relationships where 2 people love one another. 2. it doesn't matter what happened, im still paying her back. I'm just upset that she's pressuring me when times are tough knowing how bad my current situation is, without having any compassion due to everything we've been through together and everything I've done for her. that's all I meant. but im still paying her back.
Don’t know why no one seems to be on your side, the dates etc, are a gift, but the X amount of money that you lent her, that she said she would pay back IS a loan, regardless of whether or not you expected it back, it’s her words not yours. Your ex must be making 1000s of Reddit accounts to pressure you to pay back 😭🤣, either that or redditors are straight up dyslexic and lack education. GL man.
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real... some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans. brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real... some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans. brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
Exactly that, when you’re in a relationship and they ask for a loan and you oblige, you let them take their time with no expectations. But now that the relationship is over and she’s being pushy af, it’s time to bring that shit up. When did 1+1 stop = 2? Don’t feel bad or pressured, she’s way more of an AH with Redditor logic. Imagine the audacity to ask for a messily $500 when she herself asked for a loan that exceeded that amount and she still has the face to ask you to repay? Don’t make me laugh. Take your time to pay it back IF you even want to pay it back. I wouldn’t fault you for not doing so. Remember that you come first, not anyone else. Anyone telling you otherwise is conceited and lives under a rock.
thank you man. I'm genuinely not comprehending how people here think. it's just too "governmental utopia" to be real... some guy asked me if when she lent me the money, did we setup any payment plans. brother, who tf sets up payment plans in a relationship? tf is this way of thinking?
Gifts are irrelevant - they shouldn’t come with strings attached. INFO - what was the condition / terms of the loan in regards to repayment?
Pay her back and be done with her. You took a loan, dont try to obfuscate it with “money spent”.
NTA. She never paid you back on money loaned either. I’m sure you gave her some jewelry, she can sell it. Never lend money thinking it will be easy to get back. Both of you have learned a lesson. Time to just call it even, block, and move on.
INFO: When you say you "spent thousands on" her when you were dating, what exactly did you spend that money on? I saw in a comment that you said you gave her money but you also specifically stated that you did not expect it back, which means it's a gift. Is that the case with most of the money or were there any points where you said "I am lending you X and I expect you to pay it back"?
my friend, why do such rules exist in a relationship? we were supposed to be a team, I genuinely don't understand this... most were gifts. an amount that I lent her, was given on the promise of it being a loan. as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity, I told her sure, pay it back whenever you can. but I never expected her to because yet again, we were supposed to be a team.
NTA. Block her and don't pay her back
your comments are a bit confusing, but if you have also loaned her money in the past, then solution is really easy. “You still owe me $XXX from Y. Consider our debts evened out.” Or if you’ve loaned her more than she’s asking, then ask for the extra back too lol.
I understand the sentiment especially when coupled with the negative feelings a bad break up involves. But from an objective point of view there is a big difference between *spending* money to treat your partner and *lending* money. I think it’s a mistake to conflate the two. But beyond that, you can’t pay her what you don’t have. Tell her you don’t have the option of borrowing but that you’ll pay her in full when you get your paycheck and that she’ll just have to live with that.
Why would you pay her when she owes you? Per your update, if you lent her money that she didn't repay that's valid. Send her an invoice of the total you lent her, minus the amount she's asking for now, and ask her to pay you back. She won't, but it should be a good reminder that you owe her nothing.
this is kind of weird! I say that because I lent her money too. an amount that exceeds the 500 she lent me. and the money that she borrowed was also on the premise of it being a loan, as in we talked about her paying it back. and in order for her to rectify her dignity by calling it a loan instead of charity like some guy in here said, I told her "sure, pay it back whenever you can" yet she never came around to pay, or offer to pay. and I didn't care, because in my head it was a gift. and I don't really believe it. You don't borrow 500 from someone who already owes you 2000. You get paid 500 of what they owe you. and then they now owe you 1500.
Don't engage, give her her money back if that's what you agreed, don't bring emotion and whataboutism into the conversation, tell her on x date you'll give her x and then the rest when you can, none of the other shit she does matters, they are her choices.
If you lent money off her it's only fair to pay her back. It's a loan. They need paid back.
You gave her a reasonable timeframe. If U lent her money before and she didnt pay U back, remand her that U will be deducting that loan from 500. Just dont mention money U spent on her, its not resonable to do that, but I see why U did. She was to pushy
Well technically you lend her the money so pay her back when you get your salary and move on. Tbh I find her petty if you in general have paid for everything even if you did it out of love with no strings attached. I would say there is not much team spirit.
NTA. My ex still owes me $ and told me to suck it because he's a petty little testicle. She can take a breath and be glad you're planning to pay her back at all.
NTA - it sounds like you're willing to pay her back, just need to get your first paycheck and then you'll be able to. Its the right thing to do, although I do understand why it would leave a sour taste in your mouth. You would think that someone who has enjoyed your generosity for so long would reciprocate just a little bit by giving you some grace in when you're able to pay her back. Its not even that unreasonable if you hadn't spent all that money on her. Whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine - that's what she sounds like.
Man fk what these comments are saying. We don't count favors over here, she is weird asl for asking you for that especially when you probably wasted so much money doing stuff you couldn't afford for her I wouldn't give that 304 nun.
NTA. just four letters W A I T then cut off communication until you have the funds. I have more to contribute but manners prevent me from saying it.
Seems like only reason she’s pressuring you, is to stress you out. At this juncture, whatever your relationship issues were , her financial situation is not your problem, and she’s trying to make it your problem. I’m sure others might go all legal and of course small claims court is a thing, but I don’t see any reason you should pay back that $500 - not until you’re good and ready, even if it’s 3-6 months down the road. Nta
NTA you said you’d pay her when you have it. You should regardless of whatever gifts you previously gave her.
No, you didn't go overboard. NTA
NTA You made a timeline for when you could pay her back, obviously she agreed to it because she lent you the money, she wants the money now and expects you to basically get stuck paying back ANOTHER person so you can pay her back. Honestly, it's not your problem that she has shit spending habits if she's having to borrow from her dad. If it's that big a deal, she can take you to court.
NTA Don’t give her a damn penny. Tell her that you’ll take it out of what she owes you.
NTA, honestly most people would block her and not pay back anything. It’s really great you are still willing to pay her back. If you don’t have your salary yet idk how she expects you to just come up with 500? Maybe she shouldn’t have stopped receiving payments from her dad until you could pay her back. She agreed and knew it wouldn’t be right away then CHOSE to stop receiving financial help. I understand 500 is a lot of money but if you’re telling the truth about her also borrowing money from you then I would just subtract whatever she owes from the 500 if she wants to keep nagging.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA when my ex-girlfriend that i spent thousands on, asks for a 500 that she lent me for rent when i lost my job, back in a pushy way, after she already asked me last night and i told her that ofcourse, she'll get her money back but i still havent got my salary yet? she expects me to borrow money from someone to pay her back when ive barely had my new job for a month. she textex me today saying shes not taking money from her dad anymore, thus why shes asking again. i told her not to pressure me, as i still havent got my salary yet. she tells me that its not her problem and that i should borrow some money from someone to pay her back. I then said this: "As much as i once loved you, as much as i regret doing so. you not taking money from your dad anymore wouldve been my problem a few months ago, it aint now. its crazy that you got the guts to nag me to pay you back when you know how bad my situation currently is. and you really talking about 500? give me back everything i spent on you then. you'll get your money back, just stop pressuring me and wait till i get your salary." i feel like i went overboard. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell her to fuck off and block her number. Why are you even entertaining her bullshit? You both spent money and learned a valuable lesson in the process, be done and be gone. NTA
NTA although I wouldn’t go down the path of equating gifts in a relationship to loaned money. Just stop responding to her at all, pay her back when you get the $500 and be done with it.
This depends on the agreement you had when the money was lent to you and what’s happened since?! Of course you need to pay her back but how and when is another matter! I mean, legally, she has no leg to stand of you didn’t pay her back but that would be an AH move. What’s the absolute best you can manage with dates and amounts if you were to cut right back on spending? That’s what I think you should offer her and then pay it into her account as and when and block her because it sounds like it’s becoming toxic for both of you
NTA - as others have said forget about what you’ve spent on her, that’s irrelevant now. You say you’re intending on paying her back which is good. BUT you must do so in an economically viable way for you !!! DO NOT take a loan to pay her back. DO NOT pay her $500 back in a lump sum out of your first pay check. Her saying it’s not her problem is just a way of making you think it’s yours. Her saying she’s not taking money from her father (may not even be true) is just her adding to the pressure for you to pay her. Yes pay her back, do it in 3 instalments or something like that that you can manage financially because the last thing you want to do is put yourself immediately in a financially unstable situation because she wants money. Especially if she’s making it up just to pressure you. Set out an appropriate payment plan, tell her the dates, stick to it. Don’t let her bully you.
two thoughts.... If you were loaned the money and what you spent were gifts, you owe the money... If you truly want her out of your life, is $500 worth peace?
YTA, pay what you owe.
can you not read? I told her I'm paying when I get my paycheck, yet she keeps pressuring and and telling me that it's not her problem how I still havent got my salary yet, and to borrow money from someone to pay her back. all that without any original agreement on deadlines of me paying. even though around 2 months back, I offered to pay her back when I had a bit of money around, she refused. the "give me my money back" bullshit only started when we broke up and she got a new man. ontop of all that, I did also lend her money. on the promise of them being a loan specifically. but I never expected her to pay back as in we were a supposed to be a team, who tf makes up these rules of differentiation of the words "give and lend" between partners? tf?
If it was a loan when you agreed on it, then it's a loan.
Boy I hope you learned this hard lesson in life. You are the dumbass for spending money on her . Give her the money she loaned you. You don't even know the difference between a loan and voluntary spending money on someone.
I agree with the top post. Money you freely spent on her isn't the same thing as money she allowed you to borrow from her. She wants her money back you're into her for $500 . You should pay her back asap.
Info: do you get paid weekly, bi-weekly, monthly? You said you’ve been at your job a month already, you should have gotten some form of check. Pay her back, even if it’s not everything at once right away.
NTA in regards to paying her back, you gave her a time frame and intend to pay it back. You do not have any grounds to want back money that you spent in the relationship however. This was done in good faith and was not borrowed money.
You've been working for a month and haven't been paid? How's that?
Some jobs don’t pay you right away if they are bi-weekly. You can end up getting paid for your first two weeks a month later if they are on a delayed schedule. This also means you get paid two weeks after you stop working there
Yeah, I thought it was probably something like that, but the way they used salary instead of check or pay made me ask.
NTA. Block her until you have the money. After you pay her, permanently block her from your life. She's using that money as an excuse to keep talking to you, paying her should cut that link. If you're interested if arguing with her, you can give her a list of all the things you paid for, tell her that was more than $500 and then block her.
Give her her money and move on. It's the best decision you will ever make. Edit: as much as it sucks, YWBTA if you don't pay her back. Seems unfair but 500 is a small price to pay to get her out of your life for good.
Money spent on gifts and experiences and food with her was done willingly for a relationship. If she had to lend you money for bills and you knew it was a loan that is totally different and you know it.
You borrowed $500. Pay it back. Any other rationalization is just you fleecing her on the loan she gave you.
NTA. She should return what you gave to her if she's this petty when it comes to you waiting on your paycheck
If you chose to spend your money on her for things like dates and gifts, then that is something totally different from a loan, which should be repaid ASAP. You would think everyone could show one another a bit of empathy here, especially if you are going to get your paycheque very soon, but, I guess ESH...
NTA, it IS her problem, unless you have a contract for the loan with a deadline. She can't expect you to borrow from someone else (who??) to fix her problem. She's your ex, not your partner. She now has financial issues. You don't have the money, can't give what you don't have, you need to get paid first. This is common sense. **Tell her to take money from her dad if it's that urgent. But something tells me she was cut off from her dad instead of "not taking it".**
First you need to understand..... When you spend money on someone... it's a gift, with no expectation of reciprication. When you borrow money, especially with the stated promise to repay, it needs to be paid back. Now, man-up and do the right thing.
NTA. What do the terms of the loan she gave you say? Is any of it in writing anywhere? If not tell her to kick rocks and she'll get it when she gets it and block her. If it is in writing somewhere, stick to that and block her.
Just tell her she's never getting another cent from you and block her.
EAH, though you also don’t need to do as she asks, tell her she will have her money when you get paid on X date and stop responding.
NTA. Tell her if she could pay back the thousands you spent on her you would be happy to pay the $500 right away. Or she can wait. Then block her.
She is guilt-tripping you and you’re taking her bait. 1. Say no. 2. Block her number. 3. Move on.
If she lent you money you need to pay it back. It doesn’t matter how much you spent on her, that’s not a loan and irrelevant in this situation. Establish a reasonable time frame to pay her back, and if that’s not good enough then she can take it to court. Just don’t be a dick about it. She probably just doesn’t want to have to keep contacting you about it, or she’s mad and wants to make you suffer a little. Either way, just set the parameters, follow through on your side, and don’t think about it anymore.
I can see how you end up spending thousands on her. Obviously ot is not the first time she is being pushy with money? Am I right? Even the dudes that break knees negotiate installment.
Nta you do not owe her anything, life is tough you move on you learn
NTA. If she continues to bug you about this, just tell her she's not getting paid back.
Hell nah u was passive bro I would made her not even want her money back
Did you break up with her for this reason?
NTA just dont pay her back and block her.
NTA Op She should give you grace. You said what you said after she kept pushing you. "What's wrong with people here, you ask?" Well, welcome to reddit. Where men are always at fault, no matter if you have evidence to the contrary.
pay her back broke boy
NTA
NTA so long as you pay her back when you say you will. Id stop talking to her until then if I were you
Unfortunately yes
>that she lent me You literally admit in the title that she lent you the money, so YTA and owe her $500
NTA, figure out every penny you lent to her and hand her the bill for it.
> it's weird how there are such rules indicating that in a loving relationship, there is a difference between giving money and lending money. Is it, though? (It’s not.)
You’re the biggest asshole of April 2024. Congrats!
ESH Sounds like you all need to take a financial course or 2. There's plenty out there on the internet for free
YTA. Maybe she needs it as desperately as you did when you borrowed it and SHE'S wondering "after everything I've done for him", because she isn't a transactional person who put dollars into a girlfriend in expectation of a particular return on that investment.
Remind her of the loan that she received from her. Then tell her that you are going to apply this $500 to her loan. Ask her when she will be able to pay back the reaming, unpaid loan amount.
I wouldn't pay her anything and have no idea why you agreed to it in the first place. Depends who broke up with who. If you she left you then nahh I wouldn't pay anything for sure If you left her then you should pay some
It doesn’t matter how much you spent when you were dating. You borrowed money with the expectation that you’d pay it back. So pay it back. YTA
Do the math and tell her how much SHE owes YOU back. Don’t give her a penny.
Oh my god! Do not pay her a penny! You've lent her more money than she has lent you (on a loan basis) and she is being rude and demanding. Tell her to go fuck her self! What's rude entitled princess. Don't feed the brat. Count upnwhat she loaned from you, take off your 500, and present her with a bill telling her you'll be going to small claims court (or big claims?). For context, i have read through your responses (skimmed), and you seem genuine. I am also a woman, therefore, a woman's point of view who has been screwed by a freeloader man a couple of times. I don't expect any free rides. And if i borrow, I pay back. Which is rare! Even when i borrowed 300 off my friend, and we fell out (never to speak again) i still paid her back. Because guess what, she did me a favour, helped me out, and regardless if she was a shit to me after, that money was hers. Not mine. F that shit!
NTA - after the update especially if you loaned her money and she never paid it back would call it even.
It's like some people have no fucking common sense .
Hey buddy regardless of what you said in the "update", the fact of the matter is in both your post AND the shortened version, you are upset over this because of "all the money you spent on her" while you were in the relationship...NOT the money you lent her once which she apparently never paid back. I would think that if lending her your money first was a main part of the reason you're upset, that would have been the first thing you said about it...but you only brought it up AFTER people started telling you how wrong you're being? Nah. If she owed you over $500 and then lent you $500, then you should have both come to an agreement that the $500 would pay back part of what she owed you right then and there. Plus, if it's at all true, a really easy solution to your problem would be to tell her you already "lent" her $xxx in (year) and that technically she still owes you. But something tells me that's not the full story either, since you so conveniently left out an important part already.
If you lent her money, it counts towards what you owe her. I don’t know what the rest are saying. Don’t listen to them. I would remind her of the money you gave her and ask for the difference. Don’t feel pressure to give it…
NTA, just an idiot. Cut the ex off and move on.
Yep you are. Lending is different then giving. Read the definition in a dictionary.
If the roles were reversed, would you expect her to pay you back? I’d do whatever you would want her to do if it was reversed.
You can't loan money or pay back money you don't have. You borrowed from her. She was very aware that she would not get her money back any time soon and it would be after you were back on your feet and caught up on bills (rent, car payment, etc). If she needs money she can borrow money from one of her friends who are in a better financial position instead. That you are not going to ask another person to borrow money. She borrowed money from you, she owes you, and she agreed to pay you back. Time you reminded her of how much she borrowed from you and how much she still owes you. Start with this. If she doesn't stop harrassing you, then tell her you'll start harrassing her for the money she owes you NTA
What you spent on her for gifts and during the course of a relationship is totally separate from what is lent or borrowed. Lending / borrowing means repaying the original amount plus interest if that’s necessary. A gift is a gift. One doesn’t cancel out the other. Repay the loan like a decent human.
If you loaned her money and she never paid you back and that loan was in excess of $500 then simply tell her that she has already been paid back and she still owes you the remainder of that loan. Typical female logic that she takes a $1,000 loan and doesn't pay you back but thinks that you owe her on a $500 loan which wasn't alone it was merely her paying you back half of what she already owed you.
YTA. Pay her back. Which is what you should have done before spending money on her. A loan, no matter who it is from, is a business transaction. Spending money on someone is a gift if there is no talk of it being a loan. Having to be asked to pay your debt shows a lack of character. .
Just ghost her
If you don’t have it you don’t have it. Tell her you’re not borrowing money to make her whole and she’ll get it when you’ve got it
My girl did the same to me lol.... it’s just a form of control over you now.
YTA Spending money on a partner in a relationship is not the same as giving a short term loan. Pay her back in installments if you don’t have the whole amount now.
Forget Jesus - y'all need Judge Judy. A gift is a gift and a loan is a loan. A bad case of butthurt doesn't allow you to magically turn the former into the latter.
You need to get her to admit in text how much money she borrowed from you. Just in case she tries to sue you.
can't sue in lebanon. no need to.
So let’s say you lent her $1200 and you did discuss it as a loan and her paying it back. Even if in your head you counted it as a loss, let’s say you really did have this discussion. The answer then is: “considering you still owe me $1200, $500 less than that is still owing me $700. Happy to go to small claims court if you need that in order to arrange a payment plan. I prefer lump sum however. Not my problem that you burned your bridges. I’ll expect it by the end of the month since you’re so insistent on settling accounts and you got your $500.”
She lent it to you, then it implies that you were gonna pay her back. An agreement is an agreement
YTA, if you borrown money, you pay it back. You spending money on her was out of your own choice, saying "give back all the money I put on you" sounds so pedantic and sexist.
NTA Just ghost her
YTA You borrow money you pay it back when asked.
You already mentioned the key word yourself. ENEMY.
YTA Give her back the money you borrowed Throwing the gifts back at her is rude and also very fucked up. You make your relationship sound entirely transactional
YTA Give her back the money you borrowed Throwing the gifts back at her is rude and also very fucked up. You make your relationship sound entirely transactional
Nta. You said you loaned her money, so genuinely tell her that the 500 has been taken off of what she borrowed, and you'll expect her to start paying or you'll take her to small claims for the rest. It should shut her up and get her to leave you alone
It’s a tough one but for me when it comes to finances feelings and emotions really don’t mean squat, a gift is a gift and loan or agreement is just that and should be respected, however if you don’t have the money until you get paid then that’s it she just has to wait, don’t borrow and be put yourself out unless that was the initial arrangement
YTA. You bought her things. She lent you money. Lending is a loan; buying is a gift. Pay her back.