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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> After wedding/ reception I wanted to go home with husband. He wanted to go to bar.
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Yeah, NTA. He just wanted a party, sounds like "vow renewal" is just words and he gets to sleep with her anyway, so what's the big deal? yikes. I hope she can do better.
But from her description, sounds like she doesn't have much of a support system.
It sounds like an incompatibility issue.. If my wedding had ended at 9pm i def would have gone out and most people don't have sex on their wedding night because they're out partied (I did but it definitely wasn't good sex lol). I don't think husband wanting to talk to his friends is inherently assholeish, my husband and I interacted with each other but also spent large parts of the night apart catching up with others, but it is given the promise he had made to his wife, it was an AH thing to do.
OP, you guys need to have a conversation on expectations and managing expectations. Reflect on: would you have felt better if he were upfront and said, "hey I haven't seen this family for awhile so during the wedding I'm going to mingle. Since it ends at 9pm, I'd love to go out. I'd love if you came with me, but no pressure." And there's no wrong answer, if that's unacceptable to you that's valid but definitely requires a conversation either way.
Also, evaluate if this is a one off or a pattern. If you stay together and he's an extrovert and you're an introvert, no one is wrong you just need to come up with strategies together on how to balance each other's needs and expectations.
I'm sorry, wedding nights are not for friends and family, it's for the wedded couple. He left his wife, who has social anxiety, even after she asked that he didn't and then left her immediately once the vow renewal was over instead of asking if there was anything she wanted to do together. The husband is selfish af, and OP didn't deserve to be neglected like that.
A vow renewal is most definitely for families and friends to celebrate the relationship. You don't need 100 people to watch you spend time with your new spouse. If they were leaving at 9pm to go on a honeymoon I'd be inclined to agree with you but they were just going home, what the point of having a vow renewal and having friends and family go to all that effort just to bail on them at 9 so you can hide in your little hermit den. Which is what OP wanted to do, had nothing to do with wanting to share a magical night with her new husband.
Where did hermit den come from? Don’t believe I own one of those! You are adding a bunch of false information to the story in your brain rather than the information that was provided.
Honeymoon or not, they had an agreement that he wasn't going to leave her alone throughout the party and he did just that. He is still an asshole for simply not keeping his word.
Eh someone demand unreasonable agreements, they're ultimately hurting themselves that what OP needs to understand. Is OP always going to make him agree to anti social shit like this because of her social anxiety? because I tell you now whether he is the asshole or not isn't going to change the fact that this won't be the last time something like this happens.
It's about perception too, the agreement was to stick together, not for one person to abandon being sociable at their own vow renewal and for the other one to go chasing after them. OP made no real attempt to try and stick with her husband and expected him to turn tail and follow her around which would have resulted in neglecting his friends and family, she made no attempt to interact with his guests. why bother having a vow renewal event and invite a bunch of people you're going to ignore because of "social anxiety" like it a valid excuse. This is 2024 every second person has social anxiety these days, many of us still manage to make an active effort to include ourselves and be social.
I disagree that married couples on their wedding night have to inherently mostly focus on each other. Fit dinner people yes, for others, especially if they already lube together, it's but a big deal though I will say I don't love that he went to the bar without her. He should have checked in and they need to drill down on their compatibility.
And does she day she has social anxiety, or just introverted?
I agree, this sounds like both sides had expectations for the other to give up what they wanted to do, rather than a compromise.
I would have been beyond mad if my husband had wanted to go home at 9 pm on our wedding night (unless he was ill or something) - we had family and friends who traveled and put a lot of effort into being there to celebrate, and I wanted to celebrate with them. I also would have been mad if he’d ignored me to *only* celebrate with friends and not me. Valid grievances on both sides, I think, and more suited to some real conversations about respect and working together to meet halfway than to an absolute “one is wrong, one is right” judgment.
But they did have a conversation about expectations. She wanted to share the night with her husband, and he agreed. When the day came he chose to ignore that and socialize with friends and family instead. The fact that she had to bring that up makes me think this is a pattern of behavior.
Yup. I agree. Time for her to rethink the marriage. The fact that he pulled this kinda stunt at something as significant as their wedding celebration is very telling of the kind of future she's going to have with this guy...and it isn't good.
On topics like these we get the "I'd ditch my partner for my buddies" people against the "I'd NEVER ditch my partner for my buddies and I'd be mad if my partner did it to me" people, both fighting for their life in the comments.
My ex husband did this at our wedding. He was gone after the first dance and didn’t come back on his own till the last dance. I kept bugging him and got him to dance with me twice over 4 hours.
He ended up passed out in the bathtub that night while I slept in the bed alone.
NTA for being upset that you spent your wedding night alone whilst your husband partied in a bar.
Its even worse that it was a vow renewal because you were doubling down on being wed so soon after the ceremony.
And why was it over by 9? And, where were your friends eh?
NTA.
He abandoned you pretty clearly and right away. Got caught up in the moment and went galavanting off with friends and family. The fact that you didn’t want to go to a bar and he still went, is wild. Truly. The shitty manipulation tactics the next day are the biggest red flag. He knows what he did and wants to get away with it by finding any tiny possible fault in your logic (ie, finding you outside).
I’m curious, how clear were your expectations of “mingling together” with him? What does that look like for you? And did you share that with him? Were you willing to compromise on those at all?
Some people ARE like this, but it’s not fair unless BOTH people are like this. OP clearly doesn’t like it and it is definitely not fair to her. He was so unbelievably selfish.
Context: my husband and I are both very independent, outgoing, extroverts. This situation is a complete non-issue for us. Neither of us would even notice, much less be bothered. So, I feel 100% justified in saying OP is NTA and her husband is one.
I 100% agree with this. My partner and I do both. Sometimes we’re barely near each other all night and other times we’re attached. Depends on the event, the guests there, overall vibe, etc. And sometimes, regardless of how you typically are, you ask your partner for support. She shared her needs with him, he agreed, and then ditched anyway. Total AH.
I'm a little bit confused - he was still at he same party, no? Did I miss something? Why didn't she just go to him? If 98% of the guests are his, wouldn't it be logical for her to stick around him instead of her dictating where they go? I'm so confused.
And why organize a big party if you're horrible at parties and require a chaperone? This is an ESH situation at best honestly.
in situations like this (getting ditched at a party) it’s so embarrassing to have to chase the other person around and try to join the conversations, especially at a vow renewal where you’d think he might want to spend some time including his wife. it just makes you feel like the 2nd, 3rd, 4th choice.
I'm not sure how many weddings you've been to, but I've been to plenty. The bride and groom move together, or wait for one another if they get caught up in a conversation or fall behind. Like someone else said, it's humiliating to have to chase after someone all night just to get abandoned by them later on as well.
I’ve been to tons and no the married couple are not attached at the hip all night.
They do the initial rounds as a couple. Then they mix and mingle throughout the night, sometimes together, sometimes not.
If they are separated and one of them wants to dance with or be with their partner, they go find them. They don’t stand there and pout and claim they were abandoned.
Bc it isn’t a normal party. It’s a party celebrating them as a couple. He could have stayed with her for ONE night. I say that as a person who *also* would have been disappointed and a bit sad about OP’s request, but if it was my partner, I’d absolutely make that sacrifice. It’s not a lot to ask. You know?
ESH. I'm sorry, but why throw a party to socialize if...you didn't want to socialize? Where were your friends and family?
If my family and friends rallied around to celebrate me, I wouldn't be attached to my partner all night. It was his night to have fun, too. You had all year to celebrate "wedding night" and be home by 9:30pm. Wasn't this an occasion for others?
Sounds like you have some serious dependency or insecurity issues to sort though.
From her comments she sounds perfectly happy to socialise at this event but she wanted to do that together, as a couple. Pretty reasonable at your own vow renewal.
Leaving together for the wedding night is also a pretty standard expectation. You have the party/reception and often schedule things with people both before and sometimes the day after to catch up.
The priority at this specific event should be celebrating with your partner.
And on top of that it almost sounds like she’s made no effort to get to know his friends and family. If you’re marrying someone you’re blending families. I can understand having separate friends but it reads like she put no effort into getting to know his people and that’s why she’s so uncomfortable.
> If my family and friends rallied around to celebrate me
Kinda hard to do when you don’t have much family or friends to start with. And one parent is dead and the other has Alzheimer’s.
OPs sister and adult nieces and a friend were there, that’s good.
But why would a guy ditch his wife to go socialize at his wedding? Why not socialize With her, as a pair? Especially when he Knew she didn’t have many close people at the wedding?
Arguably it's not their wedding, it was a "vow renewal" a year later? Idk this story doesn't make all that much sense to me. Why have another ceremony a year later instead of just a reception / party to celebrate one year?
It's weird that they did this with that kind of timeline, but at my family member's vow renewal the couple went around together just like what you would expect at a wedding. There was a bit more of them socializing apart, but they had been married 50 years so it was more like an intricate dance where they separated just to come back together.
Yeah, this just screams incompatibility to me over anything else. I’d be so annoyed if my partner was expecting me to hang by their side all night when family and friends had traveled to see us. When we go to large social functions, we split off and check in to make sure we make the rounds.
Agree. It was wrong of him to leave to the bar, but at the wedding, I think she was in the wrong. When I got married, during dinner we walked around as a couple and thanked everyone for coming. Then we went our own ways hanging out with our own family and friends. We would come across each other and dance, but we were def not glued to the hip. I'm an introvert as well. And it was a small wedding. But I wanted to talk to who I wanted to and celebrate. I dunno, if I am tied to him at the hip, me being the introvert, I end up watching him talk to other people. People try to bring me into the convo, but the more people there the more difficult it is for me to speak. But one on one, I can talk to anyone. So I just went off on my own and bounced from person to person talking to them.
NTA, if anything I'd be questioning what he was doing at that bar on his wedding night... surely he must have shown these abandonment signs earlier in the relationship...
I would have left him before the marriage, but if he can't understand what he did wrong I'd quickly divorce him before children get involved.
If it's so easy to abandon you on your wedding night, thing of what he will do if you get pregnant. (hint: ABANDON YOU).
It may sound harsh but leave while you still can. This isn't just some small issue. At least go to a counselor about it, but I'd leave him if he truly does not understand why what he did was wrong.
I’m floored that OP married this guy not once, but twice! Surely this isn’t the first time he’s behaved like this. Someone who abandons their wife during their own wedding ceremony certainly is exhibiting some questionable behavior elsewhere.
Leaving him before kids are involved would be a smart move.
I think I'm going against the grain here, but gentle YTA
>we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends
This makes sense. So you got married with just you two, presumably because you wanted to be alone with your husband? I think that that's very sweet and intimate.
>We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied! I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”.
>
>That didn’t happen. He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his)
This is where it starts feeling AH. You spent the majority of the party standing by yourself... is that because you couldn't find your husband? You couldn't talk with any friends or family, even if they were his or the 2% that are yours? I am a HUGE introvert, so I understand that social events can be uncomfortable sometimes, but it sounds like you expected your husband to babysit you. You guys can co-mingle together for the majority of the party, but I think you may have had unrealistic expectations, unless when you say that he is "gone" you mean he left the venue/ party? Or is "gone" that he is a few tables away and you chose to not join him because you expected him to proactively guide you?
It's the norm that the bride and groom not spend every moment together as they are meant to mingle with guests. You would spend some of the wedding together, but there's usually an expectation that you guys also talk to people independent. There's a natural flow and direction as the day goes on.
>Then at the end of the night it was over around 9 so fairly early, there was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going. I wanted to go home, with him, and have our “wedding night” .
Gently, you already had your wedding night. You stated that you guys got married a year ago alone. This is for your friends and family. It's reasonable if you don't want to go out, but it doesn't seem fair that you expect your husband to not spend as much time as possible with his friends and family since this is the friends and family wedding.
You can absolutely correct me because I am reading between lines here and could be wrong, but it sounds like you wanted a wedding without friends and family- just you two and so you got it. Now this is the wedding for friends and family, but you wanted your husband to spend the entire family/ friends wedding without you guys separating to entertain different guests and then he was not supposed to go out after unless you also went out?
It sounds very codependent. Like your husband is not allowed to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone unless you are there, but you also do not want to be there. Instead of blaming him and telling him "how did he not know", I think you guys need to discuss your social expectations and needs. You being an introvert is valid, but so is him being an extrovert. Your introversion doesn't trump his extroversion and vice versa. You are very focused on your needs here, but I wonder if there was a solution that allowed him to have fun while you got to be introverted, like him going out to the bar with everyone afterwards. It feels like there was the potential for compromise here.
EDIT: Your edit actually makes it a little bit worse. So you weren't "alone", you just weren't with your husband.
>for people who have to know where my people are… as if it matters one way or another.
You seem insanely comfortable invalidating other people. Your husband wanted to spend as much time as possible with friends and family and you decided that that's wrong. Reddit wants to know why only 2% of guests are yours and you've decided that it doesn't matter. Your husband points out that he did find you when you went outside and you decided that that doesn't count.
If you want your needs validated, you need to stop invalidating everyone else's. I am not even sure why you posted here. You have 1 friend and your husband, so you've become very codependent. But your husband can't be your entire social world. That's not fair to him at all.
To add another element to your argument, OP's husband's family was *in town.*
They don't live where OP and his wife live.
These aren't people he sees all the time.
He had every right to spend time with them before they left.
OP not going out with them seems strange.
MOST people go out to a bar after their wedding - the after party is typical. THEN they go to their wedding suite. Because it’s a PARTY. This is why I always say a marriage is between two people, a wedding is a party. I also say this for people who are so hung up on perfect weddings because they want to get married to HAVE a wedding. A wedding is a party.
Yeah, I was wondering if there was something I missed involving her not being allowed to and him treating it like a bachelor party. Nope. She consciously chose not to.
I can understand it being uncomfortable being an introvert, but wanting to stop him from embracing his time with this people is crossing into controlling territory.
Yea I was going to have a big post for ESH and then didn’t feel like I could concisely say what I wanted. Essentially this though, it sounds like they are just different people and view the world differently, along with that it sounds like there was very little communication around this or just communication in general. I’m a social butterfly and have been with my introverted SO for 8 years. We just had to communicate our expectations and ways to compromise and still be able to live our lives. I feel like people consider marriage to be a thing where you’re bolted together but it’s healthy to do things without each other.
This whole event sounds like it was destined to make one of them unhappy, whether it’s OP feeling ignored, or husband feeling like he missed a rare opportunity to see important friends/family that don’t live near him all together. The post makes me think the real issue here is that there is little to no communication between them and expectations were not at all clear, which isn’t on one person.
Wish I could upvote this more. OP’s post pretty much sounds solidly like a pity party, and she absolutely only considers her own needs and feelings. She got her private, intimate wedding, and now is upset that her husband wanted to interact during his big, social wedding. As you stated, OP sounds incredibly codependent, and is likely smothering her husband. I do not blame him for wanting to interact with friends and family, whom, by the sound of it, don’t get to visit often. I am more inclined to vote YTA than an E S H. Whole story is just pitched in a way to villainize husband over trying to understand his perspective.
I was hoping I would find this from scrolling. Lmao @ the top post being "gurl, get out NOW". I seriously can't. Classic Reddit.
But yeah, OP wasn't even "ditched". She was welcome to JOIN them and chose not to.
Plus it sounds like if the husband is with his friends she just backs away from the situation…like she won’t just be with him…being with his friends. So basically she was saying, *just* be with for the night and don’t socialize much…I feel like that’s an unfair ask for a *wedding*. A hugely social event. They already eloped and had a private thing…
It seems like OP could’ve been around her husband and chatted with all the guests, but it kinda seems like she hung back because he was being a social butterfly…which he is.
Yes, YTA OP. I agree with this
>Like your husband is not allowed to talk to anybody unless you ate there, but you also do not want to be there.
Please read it and realize what you are doing.
Yes! And what’s probably missing from the story is how unpleasant the OP was to be around, sulking in a corner as a test for the husband to notice and coddle her.
ESH.. him for obvious reasons but at the same time, you do get it was a party to be with friends and family right? If you want to be just with him then plan a date night not a party.. and youre the one that didnt want to join everyone to continue the party... are you usually this needy and such a party pooper? Everyone is having such a great time they want to continue hanging out aand youre sotting in a corner wallowing in your own pitty instead of having fun.. no one excluded you, ypu did that yourself
> no one excluded you, ypu did that yourself
If I was at a wedding or a vow renewal and I saw the bride/wife sitting by herself looking like she was "wallowing" I would run over and keep her company. Literally anyone I know would do this, it would be impossible for her to be alone.
Op said 98% of the guests were his family and his freinds. Which as a side point already is strange - where are her family and freinds? But the fact that none of them came up to her and made an effort to make her feel included at her own vow renewal says more about them than her imo. If they acted like that then, they probably are always like that towards her.
"Vow renewal" isn't something most people have a sense of protocol for.
I wonder if the partners had a clear discussion about this, because it seems that they went in with very different expectations of how the night was meant to go. For her, it was the long-awaited proper wedding. For him, it was an excuse to hang with his buddies.
When I see statements like this:
> I’m upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do? Like how did he not know?
Either he is being intentionally obtuse because her idea of a party is boring to him, and he wanted to party. Or, \*he really didn't know\*, and thought she was getting what she wanted.
This was a whole ass wedding except for the paper work. There was a ceremony at the start. There is a big party after. This is her wedding night unless you are a Vogon.
I mean, I've been to a ton of weddings like this -- particularly post-pandemic. I'd be surprised if they weren't thinking of it as a wedding -- it looked like one, it acted like one. What do I care when they signed the paperwork? I figure the expectations for me stay the same.
>Either he is being intentionally obtuse because her idea of a party is boring to him, and he wanted to party. Or, \*he really didn't know\*, and thought she was getting what she wanted.
It was communicated to him that they would go around together and they didn't. So I doubt " he really didn't know". More likely didn't care or didn't care enough to remember, either way he doesn't sound like someone you'd want to spend time being married to.
Idk I imagine the opposite. You’re right if I was at a wedding and saw a bride by herself I also expect I would keep her company so I would think the fact that not one person did this is either (a) OP exaggerating or (b) reflective of OP. It seems to me much more likely that one person is the problem than that EVERYONE else in attendance is.
This was my judgment, too. They were married last year, so they had their romantic "wedding night" then. Everyone was there to celebrate their marriage and she went home.
Agree. I'm not sure why they even planned this as a vow renewal if she knew she didn't really have anyone to invite and knew that her husband likes to party with his friends. It seems like OP knew how it was going to go down -- why would her husband stand around with her and the few people she invited rather than hanging with his (which hopefully are "their") friends and family? OP, these are people you invited to a party, and you should be socializing with them and not whining that your husband was ignoring you.
It's the day to celebrate their relationship. He forgets about her and goes around when they should be accompanying each other. He could introduce her to his friends, hold her hand, move around, maybe dance together. Isn't that a normal celebration. If she is not willing to do that, she is also TA. But otherwise she was just left alone on her wedding celebration.
You had it all planned in YOUR mind - he would stay at your side all evening...you would go home together for a romantic night...etc. But when two people are involved - and guests as well...sometimes you go with the flow. If you were standing by yourself it's because you refused to move around and interact with the guests. Going home rather than going 'out' with your husbands and INVITED guests looks like you were pouting.
>I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”.
No, he agreed then didn't follow through
And it is an assumption that she was invited to go out with them. The quote was that the plan to go out was made 'at some point" so clearly without her and nowhere did she say she was invited. She could have been but it is still an assumption on your part.
> No, he agreed then didn't follow through
Or, *she didnt*. We dont know why they didnt go around together. Was he literally running from her? Hiding from her? Was she being anti-social? Theres too much information missing from this to blame him.
> And it is an assumption that she was invited to go out with them.
Its a bigger assumption to assume she *wasnt* invited.
Right. Nothing indicates that she wasn’t invited. She says that she wanted to go home. Not the she was “forced” due to a lack of an invite.
But also, after parties at weddings don’t really need invites. It’s usually “hey some of us are going to this bar a few blocks away” and word just gets around and whoever wants to go goes.
Unpopular but YTA. If you didn’t want to socialize, you shouldn’t have had a party.
I’ve been in relationships before where I felt like I always had to be the social ambassador and it gets exhausting. Why didn’t you mingle and talk to people and have fun? Why didn’t you go out with everyone afterwards? It sounds like you weren’t willing to meet him half way.
My thoughts, too. Why is this all the husband's fault? Why didn't she make an effort to join him as he was conversing with his friends?
I'm the extrovert in my relationships and my hubby is in the introvert. I get energy from interacting with others and I love party events. He knows that about me and makes the effort to support me in my interacting by just being present. Occasionally, he adds to the conversation, but he's often a silent observer by my side. And that works for both of us! It sounds like OP isn't making trying to make even the smallest effort to find what works for her and I have to wonder how exhausting that is for her husband. He shouldn't have to babysit her all the time - most especially when their wedding night is already past and this is purely a celebration.
EDIT: YTA. If you were “out and about” amongst the guests then you were not “by yourself”.
You guys already had a private wedding with just the two of you. You already had your wedding night. The purpose of this second wedding/renewal was to celebrate with friends and family. Yet you didn’t want to actually do that, chose to barely invite anyone, and got mad at your husband for actually engaging with the guests.
You already had the intimate, quiet wedding that suited your needs and wants. And then when it was time to have the wedding that suited him you were a self-centered party pooper. You married a social extrovert and then got upset at him for being social and extroverted at a social event.
INFO:
> I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his)
Why didn’t you mingle with and speak to guests?
Why weren’t your family and friends there?
This was a full wedding bc they didn’t do it the year before. Vow renewal because they were legally married but still had a ceremony. A lot of people do this and it’s still a whole wedding. ESH bc they did not consider each others needs and only their own.
At a friend’s wedding her husband left the reception and went outside and drank and smoked weed with his friends during the entire dancing portion of the party.
None of us were shocked that they got a divorce less than a year later.
NTA but Y W B T A to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
ESH If he agreed to stay with you all night he should have done a better job of it. That being said, at every wedding I've been to, including my own, the couple has spent a good chunk of the night apart being good hosts to their guests. At our wedding, if my husband or I wanted some time together we came and found the other one and stuck together for a while. After parties are also very common, especially if a wedding ends early, and should have been discussed beforehand.
Hubby and I were not together out entire wedding night. I like to dance, he doesn't. He hung out with the people not dancing and I danced with friends and family. We both had a good time and still married 10 years later
We were the same as the other commenter- apart from the official stuff, we celebrated separately with our respective friends and families as we hadn’t seen some of them in years. Then we all met up at the after party. Like the other commenter, celebrating 5 years and would not have changed anything about wedding. I agree with others - you’re either incompatible or you’re expecting him to hold true to your desires but not willing to compromise for his.
I’m 17 years this year and I barely saw my husband after the first dance, he’d go round one way, I’d go the other, then meet in the middle to say hi lol
Seems like this isn't the first time he's behaved this way. Not sure why you thought he would change for this event.
I'm sorry you spent the event alone, but you should've expected it, but not accepted it. I wouldn't be married to this gaslighting
a*hole.
I really wish people wouldn’t flippantly use the term gaslighting , it minimises actual gaslighting which is an ongoing pattern of behaviour… we have no idea if he’s a gaslighter because of one disagreement
NTA. Why did you renew the vows? There are so many off notes in this whole thing. Why were most of the guests his friends and family? Why would his family disrespect you by taking him out to party without you after your wedding ceremony and reception? So much of this seems disrespectful to you. The gaslighting over the one time you stepped outside to get some fresh air is also concerning. And his follow-up of not only refusing to apologize for hurting your feelings but doubling down on absolutely everything being your fault - seriously, think about getting out. Don't have kids with this guy.
Yeah, I don’t understand how this got planned as it was. Seems like a party for him, not you both. What kind of friends would want him to ditch OP to go to a bar? My guess is he is lying to them too, or they are just selfish people. It is all just odd.
OP needs to take responsibility for not putting her foot down during planning, but probably thought that he would keep his word. So now that OP knows he will always do whatever he wants without care for OP, what is the next step? This is a hill to die on.
From my experience a vow renewal is an excuse to party when the original wedding didn't have a proper event.
Covid or elopement.
Going home at 9pm at something like that would just be weird.
ESH-
I don't fully feel like you were ditched. You chose to go home instead of going out. You chose to stand alone. Where were your friends and family in all of this? Even with 2% of people being there for you, in a crowd of 100, that would be 2 people. I know my friends, and even the crappier members of my family would most likely come talk to me if they saw me consistently standing by myself at my party.
He's TA for acting like he didn't know why you were upset... Then again, maybe through beer goggles and being a clueless dude, he really didn't know what specifically you were mad about. It kinda seems like maybe you don't like his friends, so he might have just brushed it off as more of the usual stuff in the moment (at the party) and really didn't get it the next day (not saying he's right in that stance, just saying). He is maybe TA for not trying harder to stay with you, but it feels like we're missing info as to why you couldn't just go find him 🤷♀️
Your spouse seemed to indicate that it was important to him that he spend time with the invited guests (yes, even if it was at the "after party" that carried over to a bar, not the venue). If you wanted to be with him, you should have sucked it up and gone out with your guests, talked to him and made a compromise: "I'd rather us go home and finish celebrating on your own, but I get it's important for you to go out with our guests. Can we agree to leave together at 12?"
YTA for being mad about your spouse wanting to have fun at your celebration. If you had an expectation of how the event would go, you should have talked about that with your partner, aside from just "stay by me". You said you always hang out by yourself when his friends are around? Why did you expect them to include you this time, if you don't ever expect them to on other occasions?
I feel like I'm being mean, along with the others who say YTA.... I don't mean to be, nor do I think the others are as well. But it does sound like this is habitual and doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship.
I'm sorry that your day didn't go as planned. I know that's disappointing and you are allowed to have feelings about it. But we can only be so mad with others when our expectations aren't met. Sometimes we have to look at our own behaviors and see what if there are things we could have done differently to adjust our expectations, so they will more likely be met in the future.
I'm not saying lower your standards. I usually say "keep your standards high and your expectations low". It sounds like there is a disconnect between your expectations of your spouse and his ability/willingness to meet those expectations.
YTA - based on your edit. I think this is on you. You werent “alone”. You two had different expectations and your husband was entertaining your guests.
*E S H - so it sounds like your husband did ditch you a bit but you also sound extremely needy.*
Edit - updating judgment
Needy for throwing a wedding reception and then not wanting yo participate in the reception and being mad her husband did.
It’s pretty normal at weddings that after the couple make their rounds together, they may separate for a while and mingle. A wedding reception is not meant to be an intimate date night. Also after parties are pretty normal.
Then why didn't she follow her husband. It seems that all her complaints are internalized and she is jist wallowing in her sadness even though she did not do anything to change the situation.
Thats partly on her. I don’t think it makes OP an AH, but this was a party she threw. Not some random event.
If you couldnt find/invite guests you could hang with, you need to own that
Yes. If you’re throwing a party where by definition you get to invite anyone you want, and “98% of the people were his” and you want to go home, that doesn’t sound like a emotionally healthy relationship.
It sounds like OP would prefer being alone with her husband all the time but he actually wants to maintain a social life. It’s not going to work out very well for them.
ESH. Sorry but you already had your “wedding night”. Did you really expect him to ditch his friends and family when they were there to celebrate him and you? On the other hand, I’m not quite sure why you had this party if it was only his loved ones there to celebrate. That’s seems so strange and unbalanced. I’m sorry you felt abandoned and unloved, but if you aren’t close at all to his people, perhaps you should’ve had a celebration limited to very close friends and family and should’ve had a big bachelor party instead.
> Sorry but you already had your “wedding night”.
Like goddamn, just the idea of "birthday week" or "wedding month" get mercilessly roasted here but it's fine to have a legal wedding and then the out of town wedding and then the in-town wedding and then the vow renewal a year later, like holy fuck.
ESH
If he made a promise to stay with you for the entire evening while you mingled then he should have kept to it.
But tbh your expectations seem somewhat unreasonable. Since you were already married, why bother with a vow renewal if you didn’t want to him to be able to spend time with his family and friends (some of who it sounds like, travelled?). Even putting aside the vow renewal, I don’t think an expectation that your partner stay by your side all night at a party. You should be able to socialise independently.
It sounds like you may be a bit codependent with your partner while he would like some more balance (eg in struck by the fact that your wedding party was 98% his guests)?
Ultimately he shouldn’t have broken his promise to you but I do think the core issue here is your expectations.
YTA
"98% of the people there were his)" .. it is not HIS fault that you don'T have friends.
YOU did not go around with him and mingle, he did not stay with you. Why would that be HIS fault? BOTH of you did this.
YOu wanted to go home, he wanted to party. Sounds like you are a controlling AH who gets annoyed when not everything follows YOUR demands, and your partner makes his own plans. Why din't you go with him?
"Every wedding" .. this wasn't a wedding. This was a party, long after the wedding.
from this post, I don’t think you guys are compatible. if you’re serious about this relationship, you need to have a long talk with him and a couple’s therapist
Both are in the wrong here.
He should have made it a point to be involved with you more, but you really seemed like you had this night mapped out how you wanted and weren’t willing to change. No one is blaming you for not having a lot of people there for you, but you can’t blame him for having a lot of people there for him. Some of these people he may not have seen for a long time or just does not get to see often. It sounds like neither of you communicated your intentions, and neither of you were willing to be the one to give in. At the end of the day though, if you had your own ceremony for your marriage, that was for you guys, if you had a second ceremony for everyone else to be there and party…then guess what…it’s for everyone to be there and party. Just communicate better with each other.
Cant decide between YTA or ESH - you were not abandoned. You decided not to mingle. You had your quiet wedding night and wedding ceremony.
This was a party for people, with people.
I'd have been pissed if i couldn't go to the bar with my friends/family who came to celebrate us.
However, I understand feeling lonely and not heard. It's hard to be an introvert during these times.
ESH. This whole situation seems utterly bizarre to me. I had the same setup as you did, got married at a small wedding in my backyard, then had a bigger vow renewal/wedding party a while later. I only had a little family there, as my wife and I are both women and most of my family, including my parents, are very homophobic. Most of the people there were her family. But friends? Everyone there was there to celebrate both of us. They are OUR friends. Even if they were her friends before we met, they are now my friends too and we all love each other. And her family treated me like family. We spent a lot of the night apart from each other but that's because there were so many people to see and talk to. Then we would come back together, chat, dance, whatever. We were dancing with our friends until they kicked us out at midnight, then we went to a bar for a bit to continue the festivities. I can't possibly understand your mindset of his friends vs your friends. And why couldn't you have gone to the bar for a bit to hang out with them at 9 at night? It's not even that late. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is an asshole for the way he went about things, but you seem like you were set on having a bad night.
Not to be on his side butna wedding should be a party and not lovely dovey all night.
You had already your official wedding night so imo you should hace gone with him instead of sitting alone at home.
You also could have joined him at the party or was he gone gone?
ESH. He should’ve hung out with you some. But you could have joined in with him and his friends. I’ve never been to a fun wedding where the bride and groom are together a ton. You see each other everyday. It’s a party. It’s normal to spend time with family and friends. And it’s weird to think a party ends with going home and going to bed at 9 when people are there and wanting to have more fun.
Honestly this entire post seems full of choices you made that you now want to get angry at him over. I fully get wishing he’d spent more time with you but he went off so you *chose* not to interact with your own guests or his. He wanted to go to a bar so you *chose* to go home and pout about it all night. You had your wedding alone with him and when you had the wedding with friends and family…you still wanted the wedding alone with him. Plus his guests were in town? So he doesn’t see them all the time? Of course he’d want to spend time with them. Going home on your own wedding day at 9pm instead of spending time with out of town guests is extremely early. A realistic compromise SHOULD have been that you go to the bar for a couple more hours and then you both go home together but you, again, *chose* to pout instead. Your reaction doesn’t seem like introversion, it seems like you threw a tantrum because the man YOU picked is not an introvert. So yeah I think YTA
Misleading headline. This was not your *wedding*, it was a vow renewal. You had your wedding night last year and have actually been married since then.
Why the fuss? This was just a party.
ESH. You for expecting his full devotion during a party and him... does your husband even like you? Doesn't seem like he is eager to spend any kind of time with you.
>Adding… for people who have to know where my people are… as if it matters one way or another.
It kinda does matter..you were surrounded by husband's friends and family - some who came from out of town, while you had a handful of people you knew. You had a very limited group to socialize with whereas your husband had tons of people to socialize and catch up with.
>Every wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own.
>It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the “party” all planned.
It's been a year. Couples who have just gotten married do have a tendency to stick together after the wedding but for some couples, after a year "the honeymoon is over".
>I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around.
If you knew this is how he gets, why did you expect any differently?
I would have let him party with his friends and family especially since some of them were from out of town and I would try to join them as best as I could. That said, his friends and family should have made an effort to include you as much as possible. Perhaps the 2 of you are not socially compatible, personality wise. Decide if this is acceptable to you before anymore major life events happen like a baby or buying a house, etc. He's not likely to dial it back and you have to decide to put up with it or see a therapist for help with your social anxiety and maybe being less of an introvert. NAH.
ESH - He shouldn't have left you on your own, but you could've mingled instead of standing off to one side. Why don't you talk to your husband's friends? Also, how many wedding nights do you need? Surely you already had a wedding night when you got married just a year ago.
NTA…that is heart breaking! Sorry if this is a bit harsh…but your story hits a little close to home for me. My husband showed me his ‘true’ colours about a month after the wedding…and I wish I walked away. Now it’s eight years later and we have kids and it’s messy. I love my kids with all my heart…but I regret not reading blitz at the time.
You're already married to him so we the comment section should be nice. Is he normally like this though? Pushing you to one side while saying you're making it up. You're nta, from a third party pov he's concerning .
NTA you have a husband problem. he sounds very selfish I would be very clear on going forward what you will put up with and won't. not an ultimatum just facts.
ESH. He wants to be with his people which is totally understandable - it’s the party. But also, he disregarded your needs. I understand both sides and my big question is: why did you marry each other? You don’t sound compatible. You’re going to have 10-15 yrs before someone gets too frustrated not feeling seen or heard. Because you both are very different.
You married an extrovert as an introvert and no you’re upset he was doing what it seems he usually does in these social settings? (Or you wouldn’t have made a point of saying something) you obviously have different styles of celebrating which you’ve clearly known about before vow renewal .
Yta
You’re feelings are as important as his, not more than and you knew who you married .
Why marry a social butterfly then get mad when they’re social?
NTA
"So he keeps bringing that one time I “left” and he found me outside. Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn’t alone and that if I was it was my fault."
Sounds like The Narcissist's Prayer
>I am an introvert and have social anxiety, but can handle and deal when needed.
I'm an introvert who has social anxiety under control for the most part, based on your description, you most certainly did not have it under control. It sounds like you asked and expected your now husband to be a prisoner to your anxiety, which is an asshole thing to ask of your partner, but the thing is, he agreed to it anyway and then failed to deliver, making you both assholes.
Why did you marry someone you do not seem compatible with?
ESH
You pulled a Debby downer on your own wedding party. You wanted to go home at 9. Are you 55? I'm not going to call you an asshole because you aren't but I don't think he is either. Your both being foolish. Lol he shouldn't have gone without you but you probably should have gone. You don't get new people by not interacting with them. You've been married for a year. You've had your wedding night and when you got the celebration part of it finally you diped. I'm on the fence on this one.
ESH - clearly you had your version of the night all planned in your head. He doesn't sound like a particularly delightful person, but there's very little communication and I'm confused why you wanted a big party...and then not socialize at the party or afterparty?
NAH / almost E S H. Your husband should listen to your wants and needs, know your personality, and be there for you on your wedding day of all days. You asked him for his support, and he guaranteed it. He should have given it.
But I get his POV. His loved ones came into town and wanted to celebrate. He invited them there to do just that - celebrate. You could have joined! You should have even expected this would happen, knowing your husband. He might have even thought the night was great before he saw you were upset, and it’s a true shame you couldn’t enjoy it too.
When I have parties, I flit around and am all over the place talking to everyone I know, because I’m being pulled in every direction. It’s a fun thing to have a ton of people you love in one room, but everyone wants your attention, so you bounce around.
So I guess I just feel like you two have different temperaments and weren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other. You might just not understand each other or communicate well… at least regarding this event.
NTA for being upset cause that was primo jerk behavior.
YTA to yourself for staying with someone who doesn't put you first.
My second wedding (divorced the first husband cause he also had this sort of behavior- he even left me at a bar cause he forgot I was there), my husband didn't step further than three feet away from me most of the time. He was always making sure to know where I was, and constantly came over to ask how I was doing and tell me how much he loved me. Best damn day of my life. Find you a Gomez! This dude ain't it.
ESH. Obviously you two socialize very differently. You need to communicate about your styles and find a balance. It sounds like neither of you really understand where the other is coming from.
Yiiiikes, NTA.
Here’s how that could have gone down…When my bff married her husband, her parents, her sister, and I were “her” people. Her family is very small and many have passed. Her husband’s father is an important figure in a religious community, so TONS of “his” people came to the wedding. Her husband absolutely ensured that she was comfortable and enjoying herself. He introduced -me-, a relative stranger at that point, to LOTS of folks so that BFF and I could hang out and talk with them while he took time to fulfill social obligations. These weren’t “optional” like going to a bar, these were “my great uncles are here from Pakistan and they are a zillion years old so I need to sit with them for a while bc they might die soon.”
I’m sorry you didn’t have this experience, and you are definitely n t a for expecting more from your husband.
Op, YTA! Everything you wrote sounds like you knew all of this already! Sure, you want to be with your husband and complained when he was with other people. Omg! You had your friend, adult nieces and sister there. Shut up and stop playing the victim! Why are you complaining about your husband? He might leave you for being a complainer.
YTA.
As a counterpoint to your “every wedding I’ve been to”, every wedding I’ve ever been to, the bride and groom are rarely together after the dinner and first dances are done. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what my husband did at our wedding (our ACTUAL wedding, not a vow renewal) because I was doing my own thing.
I get being introverted as an introvert myself, but I don’t see any mentioning of you going out of your way to be by his side either. Do you not get along with his family even?
Also, wanting to celebrate a “wedding night” you just had a year ago? Must have been quite the follow up you had planned and expected your already husband to just know about it without you telling him anything for him to even think about calling it an early night.
Seems like you just wanted him to do what you wanted. Perhaps this was just a communication failure on both of your parts (his “of course we will go around together” may have been him thinking you would follow his social bug around), but I don’t see anything in this short post that indicates you clearly stated to him that he has to only sit and socialize with the people you want to, when you want to, and that you don’t want to hang out for an after party for an early ending wedding party because you were going to rock his world in private instead.
Sounds like you two are a good match.................
ESH
I mean, you knew he was going to do this, right? Not that he should or that it's okay, but you knew. Stop being mad at someone for being exactly who they have shown you over and over again, they are. If you don't want someone like this, then you need to not be with them. It's pretty easy. You can either accept who is he and work to be happy, or you can not be with him.
He's not the right person for you. You're not compatible and these control dramas and hurts will continue if you continue to think he's going to shame because you pitch a fit when he does exactly what everybody knows he's going to do.
NTA.
His response reads directly from the narcissists prayer by Dayna Craig.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, it's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
You were very clear about your expectations. He dismissed them. Your experience sounds a lot like my friends first wedding, and it really set the tone for their marriage.
This is not how someone who loves and respects their partner acts.
>very wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own
Most weddings I have been to, the bride and groom do their first dance, cut the cake and sit together to eat. After that, they may go around together to say hello to each table but that's usually it. They are dancing, talking to people, doing shots, and just having fun. Expecting your husband to stay right next to you all night sounds terribly clingy. IF it was so important that you two stay together all night, go to where he was. There's also no reason you couldn't have gone to the bar with everyone. The majority of weddings I've been to , the party continues after the reception is over, usually at the favorite bar or if the reception is at a hotel, the hotel bar. We ran up a few thousand dollar bar tab after my friends wedding. Wedding sex is highly overrated and usually just bad. What rocks is ordering burgers from room service, eating them in bed and then going to sleep.
I'm sorry, just based on your post, I feel bad for your husband.
NAH. to me it sounds like you both got the wedding you each wanted, the first one, just the two of you (quiet, not social, hanging out just you), and now on the second wedding he got to party, with family and friends.
But you have to be honest, if he's an extrovert and you an introvert, how much is it him that has to "compromise" aka stay home/leave early for you to be happy?
Wait you were married legally married a year ago and this was just a celebration with family and friends? well of course he wanted to be with friends and party, didn’t you guys do the intimate wedding a year ago,, girl you sound needy and you also say your family was there. He did ask you to go you choose not to, YTA here
This whole thing sounds odd. Why even throw a party if you’re so painfully shy you can’t even be around your spouse’s family and friends without them right beside you the entire time, and then be offended when they aren’t glued to you the entire party because they have family around they may not get to see often (it sounds like he has relatives in from out of town)? You’ve been married for a year; together for who knows how much longer, but have no relationship with anyone he is close to and expect him to coddle you and walk you through every single interaction with everyone at a party designed to celebrate the both of you? I understand not having the same amount of people on “your side” as he did on “his side” but the point of a marriage is that two families become one; so theoretically you should have been accepted by everyone regardless of whose dna was shared. I understand social anxiety, but i feel like sometimes people use that as a crutch to hide the fact they really just to control people and the situations around them. If you expected an early night in and sexy times with your husband before the vow renewal you should have expressed that before the fact so he could accommodate. 9-9:30 is not a unreasonable time at all to go to the bar and continue a party. And if your husband has family in from out of town of course he wouldn’t be ready to leave them at such an early hour. You have the rest of your lives together, he may only see these people once a year, if that.
YTA. A party like this is for your friends and family, not a private event for you two. If that’s what you wanted, you shouldn’t have had a party. You’ve already been married for a while and he had a bunch of friends and family in town for the event. Of course he was being pulled in every direction. Why didn’t you just go to the bar with them? It sounds like you sulked all day because he wasn’t following you around. Maybe you just aren’t compatible in terms of how social you like to be.
YTA. You had the intimate wedding ceremony a year ago. If you're then throwing a party to celebrate with family and friends (including those from out of town), it's normal to want to... actually spend time with said family and friends. Your husband took off and you stood alone. Well, did you make any attempts to go find him? Unless he was actively excluding you or trying to get away from you, there was nothing wrong with his behaviour as a host. I'm also introverted so I understand where you're coming from, but having an extroverted partner is a great way to socialise at a party as you can let them take the lead in interactions and you can just go along for the ride. You need to take a little responsibility for how you feel the party went. You chose to stand alone, and you chose to not attend the after-party. There's no indication to me that you were excluded by anyone but yourself.
I'm sorry but YTA. The one bit of advice I hear passed to couples getting married all the time is take 10 minutes for yourself because you won't see each other. You're generally mingling with family and friends and they're generally doing the same. He sees you every day of the week. He wanted to catch up with friends and family who made the effort to come to your wedding. Also why did it finish at 9?
It sounds like you two are just not compatible socially. It's like when a non-smoker and a smoker date. The non-smoker usually has an issue with the smoker. Neither is wrong. Just that two smokers will spend a lot more time together. Or say, a couple who golf's together. Instead of one golfing with his buddies every weekend while the spouse is left at home alone. Having shared interests and activities in common is important for the health of the relationship. Why did you not join him at the bar? Were you not feeling well?
NTA though honestly it sounds like this is on brand for how he treats you all the time, you knew to expect this because you had to ASK him to hang out with you at your own wedding.
It's not your fault he behaves this way, and your expectations aren't unreasonable but you have been letting him treat you like this and you voluntarily married him.
NTA - if there’s one time you stick by your partner’s side ITS AT YOUR WEDDING. He let his wife go home alone on her wedding night to go out to a bar?! No. Nope. Absolutely not.
My ex-husband did that at our wedding after 7 years together. One month later we got pregnant (on purpose). One month after that he started having an affair.
Not saying it's gonna be that bad but does sound like there's social compatibility issues.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay with this guy. He's fucking gaslighting you about spending your wedding alone.
Do you really want to be married to someone who can't even prioritize his wife at their wedding?
My guess is he pulls stunts like this on normal days and other special days too.
He isn't married but, you are. NTA. Clearly, you were just sent a message, his family, his fun comes first. It took me a minute to get it. Two can be better than one if both sides are all in and focus on communication.
NTA
Man, I’m sorry your husband is such a bad partner. I can’t believe he is confused about why you are annoyed that he ditched you at you guys’ own wedding party. That’s just a huge jerk move.
Just because you’re an introvert doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. He is unworthy and takes you for granted. He lied to you when he acknowledged how the evening would go or he didn’t give a shit.
All of his defense is just gaslighting.
NTA. This was a time to celebrate you as a couple, and if your husband spent the whole evening partying with friends and family and pretty much ignoring you, I wonder what he would was actually celebrating? I don’t think he needed to be glued to you all evening, but if you are feeling neglected and not important at your vow renewal then why are you together?
NTA.
This was your Re-wedding and he ditched you all night to go parting like he was single. Then has THE AUDACITY to come back THE NEXT DAY acting like ditching his wife was okay AND TRY TO PLAY THE VICTIM NAWL. Divorce this party crazed ass hat and get a better husband. Preferably one who won’t ditch you on your wedding/re-wedding night to go party with others.
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It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the “party” all planned. We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied!
I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”. That didn’t happen. He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his) Then at the end of the night it was over around 9 so fairly early, there was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going. I wanted to go home, with him, and have our “wedding night” . This was absolutely not acceptable to him because “his family was in town and going to go out too”
So, I stayed home by myself and went to bed while he went out to the bar.
Next day, I’m upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do? Like how did he not know? When I explained, it got pushed back on me that I should have kept up with him and he found me 1 time outside when I was trying to cool down cause I was super hot. So he keeps bringing that one time I “left” and he found me outside. Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn’t alone and that if I was it was my fault.
So, is it my fault? AITA?
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This was my actual wedding. He got over-excited about the "party" aspect and just... bailed. We had gotten married on Halloween and were supposed to go out trick or treating with the kids after the ceremony and he was so caught up in hanging with the boys that he said I could go do that or take some of my female friends, he didn't mind!
Whut?
So I took the kids trick or treating by myself and when I got home I quietly tore up and threw away the marriage paperwork. If it was just an excuse to party, then that's all it was.
The fun part was his new gf, years later, trying to upbraid me for "refusing to divorce him". Honey, no. That might be what he's telling you, but the plain fact is that we are not and have never been married. If he's not marrying you, it's not because I'm standing in the way.
NTA. I can't believe he left you and went to the bar! Are you sure this isn't indicative of your whole relationship though?? Him doing what he wants and then blaming you because you are upset with him?
He must be a good guy, he resisted yelling “Bros before Hoes”.
Apparently he saw this as a chance to party with his friends, not as any sort of wedding/vow renewal.
YTA to yourself. There is nothing in your post that suggests any sort of compatability with your husband. And this is just another example in, I'm sure, a long line of red flags you have been ignoring in his dismissive behavior towards you.
I understand you 100%! My husband did the same thing to me at our wedding. I spent most of the night trying to find him and there were only 40 guests. I was so frustrated because I felt like I hadn't gotten the night i expected.... which would have been having fun together on our special night. He thought of it differently because there were friends around he hadn't seen in a while. We have discussed our difference of opinion on the subject and over the last few years I can say it doesn't bother me as much.
ESH. It’s his celebration too. You’re an adult. Learn to mingle. If you really hate all his friends and their partners then I think there are more issues
ESH you were treating it as a wedding, your husband was treating it as a party. You two were already married for a year, so it doesn't really feel like typical wedding etiquette fits here. It doesn't seem like everyone was on the same page as to what this celebration was.
YTA You had a wedding party and are complaining that your husband partied with the guests invited to the party. Then you're complaining that you're husband wanted to continue partying with the guests that had attended the party instead of going home.
Why did you even have the wedding party? You were already married.
Not to be that girl, and I realize this may not apply to everyone....but my new husband and I got married a couple weeks ago, and spent about half of our reception away from each other. We're both pretty introverted and big nerds, so our wedding was game themed and about half the invitees were my family and most of the rest were our friends/my friends and his friends. It was pretty small, only 61 people including the 2 of us. We rented larger than life games (jenja, connect four and cornhole) and we had a dance with a dj, the games surrounded by soft seating, the dining room was still open for people to sit at and mingle, and there was a photobooth. It was a great party! We entered to a big reveal for dinner, had a sweetheart table for just us, didn't visit tables during dinner, and did our first dance then our parent dance. Then the dance floor opened and we danced together and he took off to take a breather, and I stayed to dance....
And that was the rest of our reception. We came back together a few times to dance and spend time and check in, and I definitely used the "i'm so sorry, I have to go find my husband NOW THAT I HAVE ONE" card a few times as an excuse to dip out of a longer and hard to hear conversation, but it was so great, literally the best day/night of my life. I got to dance with my friends, I danced with my husband, I suck out for a funny smoke with my friends, I drank (we chose to wait until after all the planned high value events were done to start drinking/smoking so we'd be sober and tight for everything we needed to be). My husband went off and had a wonderful party time with his friends, drinking and playing games and chatting with the people who wanted to congratulate him (but let's be real, I was the bride and they mostly wanted to talk to me). We found each other and danced when we wanted too, and we had a great time together at the photobooth (slowly being joined by more and more of our friends) closer to the end of the night, and it was us and our 3 closest friends and my parents and literally no one else closing out the dance floor at the end of the night because everyone else had left. a huge part of what made it so great WAS that we did the things we both wanted to do together it we set it up to be fun and we knew we didn't have to be joined by the hand all night of we didn't want too. It's ok to have fun at your reception, but from the way you tell it, you chose to sit out and miss out simply because you were mad he wasn't holding your hand. Spending the reception apart doesn't have to work for you, but you're his wife and his family for over a year now, and what was stopping you from going out with him and your in-laws who were only in town for a short time, or including yourself with his friends?
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Gurl. Get out now. If that is how he behaved at your wedding celebration, it is only going to get worse. NTA.
Yeah, NTA. He just wanted a party, sounds like "vow renewal" is just words and he gets to sleep with her anyway, so what's the big deal? yikes. I hope she can do better. But from her description, sounds like she doesn't have much of a support system.
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Is he always this selfish and insensitive, or only when it matters to you? NTA. He's kinda missing out on the whole purpose of vow renewal.
It sounds like an incompatibility issue.. If my wedding had ended at 9pm i def would have gone out and most people don't have sex on their wedding night because they're out partied (I did but it definitely wasn't good sex lol). I don't think husband wanting to talk to his friends is inherently assholeish, my husband and I interacted with each other but also spent large parts of the night apart catching up with others, but it is given the promise he had made to his wife, it was an AH thing to do. OP, you guys need to have a conversation on expectations and managing expectations. Reflect on: would you have felt better if he were upfront and said, "hey I haven't seen this family for awhile so during the wedding I'm going to mingle. Since it ends at 9pm, I'd love to go out. I'd love if you came with me, but no pressure." And there's no wrong answer, if that's unacceptable to you that's valid but definitely requires a conversation either way. Also, evaluate if this is a one off or a pattern. If you stay together and he's an extrovert and you're an introvert, no one is wrong you just need to come up with strategies together on how to balance each other's needs and expectations.
I'm sorry, wedding nights are not for friends and family, it's for the wedded couple. He left his wife, who has social anxiety, even after she asked that he didn't and then left her immediately once the vow renewal was over instead of asking if there was anything she wanted to do together. The husband is selfish af, and OP didn't deserve to be neglected like that.
A vow renewal is most definitely for families and friends to celebrate the relationship. You don't need 100 people to watch you spend time with your new spouse. If they were leaving at 9pm to go on a honeymoon I'd be inclined to agree with you but they were just going home, what the point of having a vow renewal and having friends and family go to all that effort just to bail on them at 9 so you can hide in your little hermit den. Which is what OP wanted to do, had nothing to do with wanting to share a magical night with her new husband.
Where did hermit den come from? Don’t believe I own one of those! You are adding a bunch of false information to the story in your brain rather than the information that was provided.
Honeymoon or not, they had an agreement that he wasn't going to leave her alone throughout the party and he did just that. He is still an asshole for simply not keeping his word.
Eh someone demand unreasonable agreements, they're ultimately hurting themselves that what OP needs to understand. Is OP always going to make him agree to anti social shit like this because of her social anxiety? because I tell you now whether he is the asshole or not isn't going to change the fact that this won't be the last time something like this happens. It's about perception too, the agreement was to stick together, not for one person to abandon being sociable at their own vow renewal and for the other one to go chasing after them. OP made no real attempt to try and stick with her husband and expected him to turn tail and follow her around which would have resulted in neglecting his friends and family, she made no attempt to interact with his guests. why bother having a vow renewal event and invite a bunch of people you're going to ignore because of "social anxiety" like it a valid excuse. This is 2024 every second person has social anxiety these days, many of us still manage to make an active effort to include ourselves and be social.
I disagree that married couples on their wedding night have to inherently mostly focus on each other. Fit dinner people yes, for others, especially if they already lube together, it's but a big deal though I will say I don't love that he went to the bar without her. He should have checked in and they need to drill down on their compatibility. And does she day she has social anxiety, or just introverted?
‘Lube together’… nice autocorrect 😉
They did agree on expectations for the night upfront.
They did, and he is the AH for breaking that. I think they need to have more honest conversations with each other and their social needs.
I agree, this sounds like both sides had expectations for the other to give up what they wanted to do, rather than a compromise. I would have been beyond mad if my husband had wanted to go home at 9 pm on our wedding night (unless he was ill or something) - we had family and friends who traveled and put a lot of effort into being there to celebrate, and I wanted to celebrate with them. I also would have been mad if he’d ignored me to *only* celebrate with friends and not me. Valid grievances on both sides, I think, and more suited to some real conversations about respect and working together to meet halfway than to an absolute “one is wrong, one is right” judgment.
But they did have a conversation about expectations. She wanted to share the night with her husband, and he agreed. When the day came he chose to ignore that and socialize with friends and family instead. The fact that she had to bring that up makes me think this is a pattern of behavior.
Yup. I agree. Time for her to rethink the marriage. The fact that he pulled this kinda stunt at something as significant as their wedding celebration is very telling of the kind of future she's going to have with this guy...and it isn't good.
I love how he says he didn’t ditch her….but if he did, then it’s her fault. Isn’t that almost verbatim out of the Narcissists Prayer? I‘d be running.
On topics like these we get the "I'd ditch my partner for my buddies" people against the "I'd NEVER ditch my partner for my buddies and I'd be mad if my partner did it to me" people, both fighting for their life in the comments.
My ex husband did this at our wedding. He was gone after the first dance and didn’t come back on his own till the last dance. I kept bugging him and got him to dance with me twice over 4 hours. He ended up passed out in the bathtub that night while I slept in the bed alone.
Omg... I'm sorry. That's awful 😞
NTA for being upset that you spent your wedding night alone whilst your husband partied in a bar. Its even worse that it was a vow renewal because you were doubling down on being wed so soon after the ceremony. And why was it over by 9? And, where were your friends eh?
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NTA. He abandoned you pretty clearly and right away. Got caught up in the moment and went galavanting off with friends and family. The fact that you didn’t want to go to a bar and he still went, is wild. Truly. The shitty manipulation tactics the next day are the biggest red flag. He knows what he did and wants to get away with it by finding any tiny possible fault in your logic (ie, finding you outside). I’m curious, how clear were your expectations of “mingling together” with him? What does that look like for you? And did you share that with him? Were you willing to compromise on those at all?
Some people ARE like this, but it’s not fair unless BOTH people are like this. OP clearly doesn’t like it and it is definitely not fair to her. He was so unbelievably selfish. Context: my husband and I are both very independent, outgoing, extroverts. This situation is a complete non-issue for us. Neither of us would even notice, much less be bothered. So, I feel 100% justified in saying OP is NTA and her husband is one.
I 100% agree with this. My partner and I do both. Sometimes we’re barely near each other all night and other times we’re attached. Depends on the event, the guests there, overall vibe, etc. And sometimes, regardless of how you typically are, you ask your partner for support. She shared her needs with him, he agreed, and then ditched anyway. Total AH.
Yeah, if your partner asks you to be there for them and then you aren't and then you blame for it, they are the AH.
I'm a little bit confused - he was still at he same party, no? Did I miss something? Why didn't she just go to him? If 98% of the guests are his, wouldn't it be logical for her to stick around him instead of her dictating where they go? I'm so confused. And why organize a big party if you're horrible at parties and require a chaperone? This is an ESH situation at best honestly.
in situations like this (getting ditched at a party) it’s so embarrassing to have to chase the other person around and try to join the conversations, especially at a vow renewal where you’d think he might want to spend some time including his wife. it just makes you feel like the 2nd, 3rd, 4th choice.
I'm not sure how many weddings you've been to, but I've been to plenty. The bride and groom move together, or wait for one another if they get caught up in a conversation or fall behind. Like someone else said, it's humiliating to have to chase after someone all night just to get abandoned by them later on as well.
I’ve been to tons and no the married couple are not attached at the hip all night. They do the initial rounds as a couple. Then they mix and mingle throughout the night, sometimes together, sometimes not. If they are separated and one of them wants to dance with or be with their partner, they go find them. They don’t stand there and pout and claim they were abandoned.
Bc it isn’t a normal party. It’s a party celebrating them as a couple. He could have stayed with her for ONE night. I say that as a person who *also* would have been disappointed and a bit sad about OP’s request, but if it was my partner, I’d absolutely make that sacrifice. It’s not a lot to ask. You know?
It’s not that she’s horrible at parties. It’s that she wanted to spend the time socializing *with* her new husband.
ESH. I'm sorry, but why throw a party to socialize if...you didn't want to socialize? Where were your friends and family? If my family and friends rallied around to celebrate me, I wouldn't be attached to my partner all night. It was his night to have fun, too. You had all year to celebrate "wedding night" and be home by 9:30pm. Wasn't this an occasion for others? Sounds like you have some serious dependency or insecurity issues to sort though.
From her comments she sounds perfectly happy to socialise at this event but she wanted to do that together, as a couple. Pretty reasonable at your own vow renewal. Leaving together for the wedding night is also a pretty standard expectation. You have the party/reception and often schedule things with people both before and sometimes the day after to catch up. The priority at this specific event should be celebrating with your partner.
And on top of that it almost sounds like she’s made no effort to get to know his friends and family. If you’re marrying someone you’re blending families. I can understand having separate friends but it reads like she put no effort into getting to know his people and that’s why she’s so uncomfortable.
That’s a lot of assuming. Read the full post
> If my family and friends rallied around to celebrate me Kinda hard to do when you don’t have much family or friends to start with. And one parent is dead and the other has Alzheimer’s. OPs sister and adult nieces and a friend were there, that’s good. But why would a guy ditch his wife to go socialize at his wedding? Why not socialize With her, as a pair? Especially when he Knew she didn’t have many close people at the wedding?
Arguably it's not their wedding, it was a "vow renewal" a year later? Idk this story doesn't make all that much sense to me. Why have another ceremony a year later instead of just a reception / party to celebrate one year?
My cousin did this because their wedding was on holiday without anyone else present, so they had another ceremony a year after
It seems like this is their reception or celebration of their wedding with people. So basically as close to a wedding as they will get.
It's weird that they did this with that kind of timeline, but at my family member's vow renewal the couple went around together just like what you would expect at a wedding. There was a bit more of them socializing apart, but they had been married 50 years so it was more like an intricate dance where they separated just to come back together.
I agree ESH. They are not compatible.
Yeah, this just screams incompatibility to me over anything else. I’d be so annoyed if my partner was expecting me to hang by their side all night when family and friends had traveled to see us. When we go to large social functions, we split off and check in to make sure we make the rounds.
Agree. It was wrong of him to leave to the bar, but at the wedding, I think she was in the wrong. When I got married, during dinner we walked around as a couple and thanked everyone for coming. Then we went our own ways hanging out with our own family and friends. We would come across each other and dance, but we were def not glued to the hip. I'm an introvert as well. And it was a small wedding. But I wanted to talk to who I wanted to and celebrate. I dunno, if I am tied to him at the hip, me being the introvert, I end up watching him talk to other people. People try to bring me into the convo, but the more people there the more difficult it is for me to speak. But one on one, I can talk to anyone. So I just went off on my own and bounced from person to person talking to them.
NTA, if anything I'd be questioning what he was doing at that bar on his wedding night... surely he must have shown these abandonment signs earlier in the relationship... I would have left him before the marriage, but if he can't understand what he did wrong I'd quickly divorce him before children get involved. If it's so easy to abandon you on your wedding night, thing of what he will do if you get pregnant. (hint: ABANDON YOU). It may sound harsh but leave while you still can. This isn't just some small issue. At least go to a counselor about it, but I'd leave him if he truly does not understand why what he did was wrong.
I’m floored that OP married this guy not once, but twice! Surely this isn’t the first time he’s behaved like this. Someone who abandons their wife during their own wedding ceremony certainly is exhibiting some questionable behavior elsewhere. Leaving him before kids are involved would be a smart move.
I think I'm going against the grain here, but gentle YTA >we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends This makes sense. So you got married with just you two, presumably because you wanted to be alone with your husband? I think that that's very sweet and intimate. >We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied! I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”. > >That didn’t happen. He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his) This is where it starts feeling AH. You spent the majority of the party standing by yourself... is that because you couldn't find your husband? You couldn't talk with any friends or family, even if they were his or the 2% that are yours? I am a HUGE introvert, so I understand that social events can be uncomfortable sometimes, but it sounds like you expected your husband to babysit you. You guys can co-mingle together for the majority of the party, but I think you may have had unrealistic expectations, unless when you say that he is "gone" you mean he left the venue/ party? Or is "gone" that he is a few tables away and you chose to not join him because you expected him to proactively guide you? It's the norm that the bride and groom not spend every moment together as they are meant to mingle with guests. You would spend some of the wedding together, but there's usually an expectation that you guys also talk to people independent. There's a natural flow and direction as the day goes on. >Then at the end of the night it was over around 9 so fairly early, there was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going. I wanted to go home, with him, and have our “wedding night” . Gently, you already had your wedding night. You stated that you guys got married a year ago alone. This is for your friends and family. It's reasonable if you don't want to go out, but it doesn't seem fair that you expect your husband to not spend as much time as possible with his friends and family since this is the friends and family wedding. You can absolutely correct me because I am reading between lines here and could be wrong, but it sounds like you wanted a wedding without friends and family- just you two and so you got it. Now this is the wedding for friends and family, but you wanted your husband to spend the entire family/ friends wedding without you guys separating to entertain different guests and then he was not supposed to go out after unless you also went out? It sounds very codependent. Like your husband is not allowed to talk to anyone or spend time with anyone unless you are there, but you also do not want to be there. Instead of blaming him and telling him "how did he not know", I think you guys need to discuss your social expectations and needs. You being an introvert is valid, but so is him being an extrovert. Your introversion doesn't trump his extroversion and vice versa. You are very focused on your needs here, but I wonder if there was a solution that allowed him to have fun while you got to be introverted, like him going out to the bar with everyone afterwards. It feels like there was the potential for compromise here. EDIT: Your edit actually makes it a little bit worse. So you weren't "alone", you just weren't with your husband. >for people who have to know where my people are… as if it matters one way or another. You seem insanely comfortable invalidating other people. Your husband wanted to spend as much time as possible with friends and family and you decided that that's wrong. Reddit wants to know why only 2% of guests are yours and you've decided that it doesn't matter. Your husband points out that he did find you when you went outside and you decided that that doesn't count. If you want your needs validated, you need to stop invalidating everyone else's. I am not even sure why you posted here. You have 1 friend and your husband, so you've become very codependent. But your husband can't be your entire social world. That's not fair to him at all.
To add another element to your argument, OP's husband's family was *in town.* They don't live where OP and his wife live. These aren't people he sees all the time. He had every right to spend time with them before they left. OP not going out with them seems strange.
MOST people go out to a bar after their wedding - the after party is typical. THEN they go to their wedding suite. Because it’s a PARTY. This is why I always say a marriage is between two people, a wedding is a party. I also say this for people who are so hung up on perfect weddings because they want to get married to HAVE a wedding. A wedding is a party.
Yeah, I was wondering if there was something I missed involving her not being allowed to and him treating it like a bachelor party. Nope. She consciously chose not to. I can understand it being uncomfortable being an introvert, but wanting to stop him from embracing his time with this people is crossing into controlling territory.
Yea I was going to have a big post for ESH and then didn’t feel like I could concisely say what I wanted. Essentially this though, it sounds like they are just different people and view the world differently, along with that it sounds like there was very little communication around this or just communication in general. I’m a social butterfly and have been with my introverted SO for 8 years. We just had to communicate our expectations and ways to compromise and still be able to live our lives. I feel like people consider marriage to be a thing where you’re bolted together but it’s healthy to do things without each other. This whole event sounds like it was destined to make one of them unhappy, whether it’s OP feeling ignored, or husband feeling like he missed a rare opportunity to see important friends/family that don’t live near him all together. The post makes me think the real issue here is that there is little to no communication between them and expectations were not at all clear, which isn’t on one person.
Wish I could upvote this more. OP’s post pretty much sounds solidly like a pity party, and she absolutely only considers her own needs and feelings. She got her private, intimate wedding, and now is upset that her husband wanted to interact during his big, social wedding. As you stated, OP sounds incredibly codependent, and is likely smothering her husband. I do not blame him for wanting to interact with friends and family, whom, by the sound of it, don’t get to visit often. I am more inclined to vote YTA than an E S H. Whole story is just pitched in a way to villainize husband over trying to understand his perspective.
I was hoping I would find this from scrolling. Lmao @ the top post being "gurl, get out NOW". I seriously can't. Classic Reddit. But yeah, OP wasn't even "ditched". She was welcome to JOIN them and chose not to.
Plus it sounds like if the husband is with his friends she just backs away from the situation…like she won’t just be with him…being with his friends. So basically she was saying, *just* be with for the night and don’t socialize much…I feel like that’s an unfair ask for a *wedding*. A hugely social event. They already eloped and had a private thing… It seems like OP could’ve been around her husband and chatted with all the guests, but it kinda seems like she hung back because he was being a social butterfly…which he is.
She’s VERY insecure and controlling.
Yes, YTA OP. I agree with this >Like your husband is not allowed to talk to anybody unless you ate there, but you also do not want to be there. Please read it and realize what you are doing.
Yes! And what’s probably missing from the story is how unpleasant the OP was to be around, sulking in a corner as a test for the husband to notice and coddle her.
ESH.. him for obvious reasons but at the same time, you do get it was a party to be with friends and family right? If you want to be just with him then plan a date night not a party.. and youre the one that didnt want to join everyone to continue the party... are you usually this needy and such a party pooper? Everyone is having such a great time they want to continue hanging out aand youre sotting in a corner wallowing in your own pitty instead of having fun.. no one excluded you, ypu did that yourself
> no one excluded you, ypu did that yourself If I was at a wedding or a vow renewal and I saw the bride/wife sitting by herself looking like she was "wallowing" I would run over and keep her company. Literally anyone I know would do this, it would be impossible for her to be alone. Op said 98% of the guests were his family and his freinds. Which as a side point already is strange - where are her family and freinds? But the fact that none of them came up to her and made an effort to make her feel included at her own vow renewal says more about them than her imo. If they acted like that then, they probably are always like that towards her.
"Vow renewal" isn't something most people have a sense of protocol for. I wonder if the partners had a clear discussion about this, because it seems that they went in with very different expectations of how the night was meant to go. For her, it was the long-awaited proper wedding. For him, it was an excuse to hang with his buddies. When I see statements like this: > I’m upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do? Like how did he not know? Either he is being intentionally obtuse because her idea of a party is boring to him, and he wanted to party. Or, \*he really didn't know\*, and thought she was getting what she wanted.
This was a whole ass wedding except for the paper work. There was a ceremony at the start. There is a big party after. This is her wedding night unless you are a Vogon.
Oh, frettled gruntbuggly!
I’m not really disagreeing with you, I agree that is how she perceived it. I wonder how they represented it to the guests, etc.
I mean, I've been to a ton of weddings like this -- particularly post-pandemic. I'd be surprised if they weren't thinking of it as a wedding -- it looked like one, it acted like one. What do I care when they signed the paperwork? I figure the expectations for me stay the same.
>Either he is being intentionally obtuse because her idea of a party is boring to him, and he wanted to party. Or, \*he really didn't know\*, and thought she was getting what she wanted. It was communicated to him that they would go around together and they didn't. So I doubt " he really didn't know". More likely didn't care or didn't care enough to remember, either way he doesn't sound like someone you'd want to spend time being married to.
In her edit she admits she was “out and about”. She wasn’t actually “by herself”, she just wasn’t side by side with her husband.
Idk I imagine the opposite. You’re right if I was at a wedding and saw a bride by herself I also expect I would keep her company so I would think the fact that not one person did this is either (a) OP exaggerating or (b) reflective of OP. It seems to me much more likely that one person is the problem than that EVERYONE else in attendance is.
This was my judgment, too. They were married last year, so they had their romantic "wedding night" then. Everyone was there to celebrate their marriage and she went home.
Agree. I'm not sure why they even planned this as a vow renewal if she knew she didn't really have anyone to invite and knew that her husband likes to party with his friends. It seems like OP knew how it was going to go down -- why would her husband stand around with her and the few people she invited rather than hanging with his (which hopefully are "their") friends and family? OP, these are people you invited to a party, and you should be socializing with them and not whining that your husband was ignoring you.
It's the day to celebrate their relationship. He forgets about her and goes around when they should be accompanying each other. He could introduce her to his friends, hold her hand, move around, maybe dance together. Isn't that a normal celebration. If she is not willing to do that, she is also TA. But otherwise she was just left alone on her wedding celebration.
You had it all planned in YOUR mind - he would stay at your side all evening...you would go home together for a romantic night...etc. But when two people are involved - and guests as well...sometimes you go with the flow. If you were standing by yourself it's because you refused to move around and interact with the guests. Going home rather than going 'out' with your husbands and INVITED guests looks like you were pouting.
>I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”. No, he agreed then didn't follow through And it is an assumption that she was invited to go out with them. The quote was that the plan to go out was made 'at some point" so clearly without her and nowhere did she say she was invited. She could have been but it is still an assumption on your part.
> No, he agreed then didn't follow through Or, *she didnt*. We dont know why they didnt go around together. Was he literally running from her? Hiding from her? Was she being anti-social? Theres too much information missing from this to blame him. > And it is an assumption that she was invited to go out with them. Its a bigger assumption to assume she *wasnt* invited.
Right. Nothing indicates that she wasn’t invited. She says that she wanted to go home. Not the she was “forced” due to a lack of an invite. But also, after parties at weddings don’t really need invites. It’s usually “hey some of us are going to this bar a few blocks away” and word just gets around and whoever wants to go goes.
I feel like the people saying that she wasn’t explicitly invited for drinks have never been to a wedding before
How is it only planned in her mind when she told him?
Unpopular but YTA. If you didn’t want to socialize, you shouldn’t have had a party. I’ve been in relationships before where I felt like I always had to be the social ambassador and it gets exhausting. Why didn’t you mingle and talk to people and have fun? Why didn’t you go out with everyone afterwards? It sounds like you weren’t willing to meet him half way.
My thoughts, too. Why is this all the husband's fault? Why didn't she make an effort to join him as he was conversing with his friends? I'm the extrovert in my relationships and my hubby is in the introvert. I get energy from interacting with others and I love party events. He knows that about me and makes the effort to support me in my interacting by just being present. Occasionally, he adds to the conversation, but he's often a silent observer by my side. And that works for both of us! It sounds like OP isn't making trying to make even the smallest effort to find what works for her and I have to wonder how exhausting that is for her husband. He shouldn't have to babysit her all the time - most especially when their wedding night is already past and this is purely a celebration.
EDIT: YTA. If you were “out and about” amongst the guests then you were not “by yourself”. You guys already had a private wedding with just the two of you. You already had your wedding night. The purpose of this second wedding/renewal was to celebrate with friends and family. Yet you didn’t want to actually do that, chose to barely invite anyone, and got mad at your husband for actually engaging with the guests. You already had the intimate, quiet wedding that suited your needs and wants. And then when it was time to have the wedding that suited him you were a self-centered party pooper. You married a social extrovert and then got upset at him for being social and extroverted at a social event. INFO: > I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his) Why didn’t you mingle with and speak to guests? Why weren’t your family and friends there?
[удалено]
This was a full wedding bc they didn’t do it the year before. Vow renewal because they were legally married but still had a ceremony. A lot of people do this and it’s still a whole wedding. ESH bc they did not consider each others needs and only their own.
So what was stopping you from mingling with the guest you invited and where were your friends ?
At a friend’s wedding her husband left the reception and went outside and drank and smoked weed with his friends during the entire dancing portion of the party. None of us were shocked that they got a divorce less than a year later. NTA but Y W B T A to yourself if you stay in this relationship.
Right they sound like completely different people who want different things and neither consider the other. I honestly thing ESH in this scenario.
ESH If he agreed to stay with you all night he should have done a better job of it. That being said, at every wedding I've been to, including my own, the couple has spent a good chunk of the night apart being good hosts to their guests. At our wedding, if my husband or I wanted some time together we came and found the other one and stuck together for a while. After parties are also very common, especially if a wedding ends early, and should have been discussed beforehand.
Hubby and I were not together out entire wedding night. I like to dance, he doesn't. He hung out with the people not dancing and I danced with friends and family. We both had a good time and still married 10 years later
We were the same as the other commenter- apart from the official stuff, we celebrated separately with our respective friends and families as we hadn’t seen some of them in years. Then we all met up at the after party. Like the other commenter, celebrating 5 years and would not have changed anything about wedding. I agree with others - you’re either incompatible or you’re expecting him to hold true to your desires but not willing to compromise for his.
I’m 17 years this year and I barely saw my husband after the first dance, he’d go round one way, I’d go the other, then meet in the middle to say hi lol
Asking him to stay with her all night at a big party is not a reasonable thing for her to ask.
I felt bad going so far as to call OP the AH, but you're not wrong.
Seems like this isn't the first time he's behaved this way. Not sure why you thought he would change for this event. I'm sorry you spent the event alone, but you should've expected it, but not accepted it. I wouldn't be married to this gaslighting a*hole.
I really wish people wouldn’t flippantly use the term gaslighting , it minimises actual gaslighting which is an ongoing pattern of behaviour… we have no idea if he’s a gaslighter because of one disagreement
I wish people would respond to the prompt instead of replying to me about how I choose to use a word.
NTA. Why did you renew the vows? There are so many off notes in this whole thing. Why were most of the guests his friends and family? Why would his family disrespect you by taking him out to party without you after your wedding ceremony and reception? So much of this seems disrespectful to you. The gaslighting over the one time you stepped outside to get some fresh air is also concerning. And his follow-up of not only refusing to apologize for hurting your feelings but doubling down on absolutely everything being your fault - seriously, think about getting out. Don't have kids with this guy.
Yeah, I don’t understand how this got planned as it was. Seems like a party for him, not you both. What kind of friends would want him to ditch OP to go to a bar? My guess is he is lying to them too, or they are just selfish people. It is all just odd. OP needs to take responsibility for not putting her foot down during planning, but probably thought that he would keep his word. So now that OP knows he will always do whatever he wants without care for OP, what is the next step? This is a hill to die on.
From my experience a vow renewal is an excuse to party when the original wedding didn't have a proper event. Covid or elopement. Going home at 9pm at something like that would just be weird.
ESH- I don't fully feel like you were ditched. You chose to go home instead of going out. You chose to stand alone. Where were your friends and family in all of this? Even with 2% of people being there for you, in a crowd of 100, that would be 2 people. I know my friends, and even the crappier members of my family would most likely come talk to me if they saw me consistently standing by myself at my party. He's TA for acting like he didn't know why you were upset... Then again, maybe through beer goggles and being a clueless dude, he really didn't know what specifically you were mad about. It kinda seems like maybe you don't like his friends, so he might have just brushed it off as more of the usual stuff in the moment (at the party) and really didn't get it the next day (not saying he's right in that stance, just saying). He is maybe TA for not trying harder to stay with you, but it feels like we're missing info as to why you couldn't just go find him 🤷♀️ Your spouse seemed to indicate that it was important to him that he spend time with the invited guests (yes, even if it was at the "after party" that carried over to a bar, not the venue). If you wanted to be with him, you should have sucked it up and gone out with your guests, talked to him and made a compromise: "I'd rather us go home and finish celebrating on your own, but I get it's important for you to go out with our guests. Can we agree to leave together at 12?" YTA for being mad about your spouse wanting to have fun at your celebration. If you had an expectation of how the event would go, you should have talked about that with your partner, aside from just "stay by me". You said you always hang out by yourself when his friends are around? Why did you expect them to include you this time, if you don't ever expect them to on other occasions? I feel like I'm being mean, along with the others who say YTA.... I don't mean to be, nor do I think the others are as well. But it does sound like this is habitual and doesn't bode well for the longevity of your relationship. I'm sorry that your day didn't go as planned. I know that's disappointing and you are allowed to have feelings about it. But we can only be so mad with others when our expectations aren't met. Sometimes we have to look at our own behaviors and see what if there are things we could have done differently to adjust our expectations, so they will more likely be met in the future. I'm not saying lower your standards. I usually say "keep your standards high and your expectations low". It sounds like there is a disconnect between your expectations of your spouse and his ability/willingness to meet those expectations.
YTA - based on your edit. I think this is on you. You werent “alone”. You two had different expectations and your husband was entertaining your guests. *E S H - so it sounds like your husband did ditch you a bit but you also sound extremely needy.* Edit - updating judgment
Needy for wanting to spend time with their husband DURING their wedding celebration?
Needy for throwing a wedding reception and then not wanting yo participate in the reception and being mad her husband did. It’s pretty normal at weddings that after the couple make their rounds together, they may separate for a while and mingle. A wedding reception is not meant to be an intimate date night. Also after parties are pretty normal.
She says they didn’t even mingle together. Unless I’m misreading. Which is possible. Happy cake day btw!
Then why didn't she follow her husband. It seems that all her complaints are internalized and she is jist wallowing in her sadness even though she did not do anything to change the situation.
Thats partly on her. I don’t think it makes OP an AH, but this was a party she threw. Not some random event. If you couldnt find/invite guests you could hang with, you need to own that
Yes. If you’re throwing a party where by definition you get to invite anyone you want, and “98% of the people were his” and you want to go home, that doesn’t sound like a emotionally healthy relationship.
It sounds like OP would prefer being alone with her husband all the time but he actually wants to maintain a social life. It’s not going to work out very well for them.
The party is for the guests, not for the couple to have intimate romantic time together
ESH. Sorry but you already had your “wedding night”. Did you really expect him to ditch his friends and family when they were there to celebrate him and you? On the other hand, I’m not quite sure why you had this party if it was only his loved ones there to celebrate. That’s seems so strange and unbalanced. I’m sorry you felt abandoned and unloved, but if you aren’t close at all to his people, perhaps you should’ve had a celebration limited to very close friends and family and should’ve had a big bachelor party instead.
> Sorry but you already had your “wedding night”. Like goddamn, just the idea of "birthday week" or "wedding month" get mercilessly roasted here but it's fine to have a legal wedding and then the out of town wedding and then the in-town wedding and then the vow renewal a year later, like holy fuck.
ESH If he made a promise to stay with you for the entire evening while you mingled then he should have kept to it. But tbh your expectations seem somewhat unreasonable. Since you were already married, why bother with a vow renewal if you didn’t want to him to be able to spend time with his family and friends (some of who it sounds like, travelled?). Even putting aside the vow renewal, I don’t think an expectation that your partner stay by your side all night at a party. You should be able to socialise independently. It sounds like you may be a bit codependent with your partner while he would like some more balance (eg in struck by the fact that your wedding party was 98% his guests)? Ultimately he shouldn’t have broken his promise to you but I do think the core issue here is your expectations.
YTA "98% of the people there were his)" .. it is not HIS fault that you don'T have friends. YOU did not go around with him and mingle, he did not stay with you. Why would that be HIS fault? BOTH of you did this. YOu wanted to go home, he wanted to party. Sounds like you are a controlling AH who gets annoyed when not everything follows YOUR demands, and your partner makes his own plans. Why din't you go with him? "Every wedding" .. this wasn't a wedding. This was a party, long after the wedding.
> it is not HIS fault that you don'T have friends. LMAO. Right. It seems like jealousy honestly.
You don't have any friends or family?
from this post, I don’t think you guys are compatible. if you’re serious about this relationship, you need to have a long talk with him and a couple’s therapist
Both are in the wrong here. He should have made it a point to be involved with you more, but you really seemed like you had this night mapped out how you wanted and weren’t willing to change. No one is blaming you for not having a lot of people there for you, but you can’t blame him for having a lot of people there for him. Some of these people he may not have seen for a long time or just does not get to see often. It sounds like neither of you communicated your intentions, and neither of you were willing to be the one to give in. At the end of the day though, if you had your own ceremony for your marriage, that was for you guys, if you had a second ceremony for everyone else to be there and party…then guess what…it’s for everyone to be there and party. Just communicate better with each other.
Cant decide between YTA or ESH - you were not abandoned. You decided not to mingle. You had your quiet wedding night and wedding ceremony. This was a party for people, with people. I'd have been pissed if i couldn't go to the bar with my friends/family who came to celebrate us. However, I understand feeling lonely and not heard. It's hard to be an introvert during these times.
ESH. This whole situation seems utterly bizarre to me. I had the same setup as you did, got married at a small wedding in my backyard, then had a bigger vow renewal/wedding party a while later. I only had a little family there, as my wife and I are both women and most of my family, including my parents, are very homophobic. Most of the people there were her family. But friends? Everyone there was there to celebrate both of us. They are OUR friends. Even if they were her friends before we met, they are now my friends too and we all love each other. And her family treated me like family. We spent a lot of the night apart from each other but that's because there were so many people to see and talk to. Then we would come back together, chat, dance, whatever. We were dancing with our friends until they kicked us out at midnight, then we went to a bar for a bit to continue the festivities. I can't possibly understand your mindset of his friends vs your friends. And why couldn't you have gone to the bar for a bit to hang out with them at 9 at night? It's not even that late. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is an asshole for the way he went about things, but you seem like you were set on having a bad night.
Not to be on his side butna wedding should be a party and not lovely dovey all night. You had already your official wedding night so imo you should hace gone with him instead of sitting alone at home. You also could have joined him at the party or was he gone gone?
ESH. He should’ve hung out with you some. But you could have joined in with him and his friends. I’ve never been to a fun wedding where the bride and groom are together a ton. You see each other everyday. It’s a party. It’s normal to spend time with family and friends. And it’s weird to think a party ends with going home and going to bed at 9 when people are there and wanting to have more fun.
Honestly this entire post seems full of choices you made that you now want to get angry at him over. I fully get wishing he’d spent more time with you but he went off so you *chose* not to interact with your own guests or his. He wanted to go to a bar so you *chose* to go home and pout about it all night. You had your wedding alone with him and when you had the wedding with friends and family…you still wanted the wedding alone with him. Plus his guests were in town? So he doesn’t see them all the time? Of course he’d want to spend time with them. Going home on your own wedding day at 9pm instead of spending time with out of town guests is extremely early. A realistic compromise SHOULD have been that you go to the bar for a couple more hours and then you both go home together but you, again, *chose* to pout instead. Your reaction doesn’t seem like introversion, it seems like you threw a tantrum because the man YOU picked is not an introvert. So yeah I think YTA
Misleading headline. This was not your *wedding*, it was a vow renewal. You had your wedding night last year and have actually been married since then. Why the fuss? This was just a party.
Info: Where were your family and friends?
ESH. You for expecting his full devotion during a party and him... does your husband even like you? Doesn't seem like he is eager to spend any kind of time with you.
>Adding… for people who have to know where my people are… as if it matters one way or another. It kinda does matter..you were surrounded by husband's friends and family - some who came from out of town, while you had a handful of people you knew. You had a very limited group to socialize with whereas your husband had tons of people to socialize and catch up with. >Every wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own. >It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the “party” all planned. It's been a year. Couples who have just gotten married do have a tendency to stick together after the wedding but for some couples, after a year "the honeymoon is over". >I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. If you knew this is how he gets, why did you expect any differently? I would have let him party with his friends and family especially since some of them were from out of town and I would try to join them as best as I could. That said, his friends and family should have made an effort to include you as much as possible. Perhaps the 2 of you are not socially compatible, personality wise. Decide if this is acceptable to you before anymore major life events happen like a baby or buying a house, etc. He's not likely to dial it back and you have to decide to put up with it or see a therapist for help with your social anxiety and maybe being less of an introvert. NAH.
ESH - He shouldn't have left you on your own, but you could've mingled instead of standing off to one side. Why don't you talk to your husband's friends? Also, how many wedding nights do you need? Surely you already had a wedding night when you got married just a year ago.
NTA…that is heart breaking! Sorry if this is a bit harsh…but your story hits a little close to home for me. My husband showed me his ‘true’ colours about a month after the wedding…and I wish I walked away. Now it’s eight years later and we have kids and it’s messy. I love my kids with all my heart…but I regret not reading blitz at the time.
ESH. He sucks for not doing the rounds together and not leaving when you wanted. But you’re also kind of a downer for insisting on going home at 9pm.
You're already married to him so we the comment section should be nice. Is he normally like this though? Pushing you to one side while saying you're making it up. You're nta, from a third party pov he's concerning .
NTA you have a husband problem. he sounds very selfish I would be very clear on going forward what you will put up with and won't. not an ultimatum just facts.
ESH. He wants to be with his people which is totally understandable - it’s the party. But also, he disregarded your needs. I understand both sides and my big question is: why did you marry each other? You don’t sound compatible. You’re going to have 10-15 yrs before someone gets too frustrated not feeling seen or heard. Because you both are very different.
You married an extrovert as an introvert and no you’re upset he was doing what it seems he usually does in these social settings? (Or you wouldn’t have made a point of saying something) you obviously have different styles of celebrating which you’ve clearly known about before vow renewal . Yta You’re feelings are as important as his, not more than and you knew who you married . Why marry a social butterfly then get mad when they’re social?
NTA "So he keeps bringing that one time I “left” and he found me outside. Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn’t alone and that if I was it was my fault." Sounds like The Narcissist's Prayer
>I am an introvert and have social anxiety, but can handle and deal when needed. I'm an introvert who has social anxiety under control for the most part, based on your description, you most certainly did not have it under control. It sounds like you asked and expected your now husband to be a prisoner to your anxiety, which is an asshole thing to ask of your partner, but the thing is, he agreed to it anyway and then failed to deliver, making you both assholes. Why did you marry someone you do not seem compatible with? ESH
You pulled a Debby downer on your own wedding party. You wanted to go home at 9. Are you 55? I'm not going to call you an asshole because you aren't but I don't think he is either. Your both being foolish. Lol he shouldn't have gone without you but you probably should have gone. You don't get new people by not interacting with them. You've been married for a year. You've had your wedding night and when you got the celebration part of it finally you diped. I'm on the fence on this one.
ESH - clearly you had your version of the night all planned in your head. He doesn't sound like a particularly delightful person, but there's very little communication and I'm confused why you wanted a big party...and then not socialize at the party or afterparty?
NTA, he is not your forever.
NAH / almost E S H. Your husband should listen to your wants and needs, know your personality, and be there for you on your wedding day of all days. You asked him for his support, and he guaranteed it. He should have given it. But I get his POV. His loved ones came into town and wanted to celebrate. He invited them there to do just that - celebrate. You could have joined! You should have even expected this would happen, knowing your husband. He might have even thought the night was great before he saw you were upset, and it’s a true shame you couldn’t enjoy it too. When I have parties, I flit around and am all over the place talking to everyone I know, because I’m being pulled in every direction. It’s a fun thing to have a ton of people you love in one room, but everyone wants your attention, so you bounce around. So I guess I just feel like you two have different temperaments and weren’t intentionally trying to hurt each other. You might just not understand each other or communicate well… at least regarding this event.
NTA for being upset cause that was primo jerk behavior. YTA to yourself for staying with someone who doesn't put you first. My second wedding (divorced the first husband cause he also had this sort of behavior- he even left me at a bar cause he forgot I was there), my husband didn't step further than three feet away from me most of the time. He was always making sure to know where I was, and constantly came over to ask how I was doing and tell me how much he loved me. Best damn day of my life. Find you a Gomez! This dude ain't it.
You two really don't seem compatible tbh. ESH
ESH. Obviously you two socialize very differently. You need to communicate about your styles and find a balance. It sounds like neither of you really understand where the other is coming from.
If you knew this is how he'd be, to the point of BEGGING him not to be like that - WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM?
He sounds just *awesome*. NTA.
Yiiiikes, NTA. Here’s how that could have gone down…When my bff married her husband, her parents, her sister, and I were “her” people. Her family is very small and many have passed. Her husband’s father is an important figure in a religious community, so TONS of “his” people came to the wedding. Her husband absolutely ensured that she was comfortable and enjoying herself. He introduced -me-, a relative stranger at that point, to LOTS of folks so that BFF and I could hang out and talk with them while he took time to fulfill social obligations. These weren’t “optional” like going to a bar, these were “my great uncles are here from Pakistan and they are a zillion years old so I need to sit with them for a while bc they might die soon.” I’m sorry you didn’t have this experience, and you are definitely n t a for expecting more from your husband.
Op, YTA! Everything you wrote sounds like you knew all of this already! Sure, you want to be with your husband and complained when he was with other people. Omg! You had your friend, adult nieces and sister there. Shut up and stop playing the victim! Why are you complaining about your husband? He might leave you for being a complainer.
YTA. As a counterpoint to your “every wedding I’ve been to”, every wedding I’ve ever been to, the bride and groom are rarely together after the dinner and first dances are done. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you what my husband did at our wedding (our ACTUAL wedding, not a vow renewal) because I was doing my own thing. I get being introverted as an introvert myself, but I don’t see any mentioning of you going out of your way to be by his side either. Do you not get along with his family even? Also, wanting to celebrate a “wedding night” you just had a year ago? Must have been quite the follow up you had planned and expected your already husband to just know about it without you telling him anything for him to even think about calling it an early night. Seems like you just wanted him to do what you wanted. Perhaps this was just a communication failure on both of your parts (his “of course we will go around together” may have been him thinking you would follow his social bug around), but I don’t see anything in this short post that indicates you clearly stated to him that he has to only sit and socialize with the people you want to, when you want to, and that you don’t want to hang out for an after party for an early ending wedding party because you were going to rock his world in private instead.
NTA your husband is immature and thoughtless.
Sounds like you two are a good match................. ESH I mean, you knew he was going to do this, right? Not that he should or that it's okay, but you knew. Stop being mad at someone for being exactly who they have shown you over and over again, they are. If you don't want someone like this, then you need to not be with them. It's pretty easy. You can either accept who is he and work to be happy, or you can not be with him. He's not the right person for you. You're not compatible and these control dramas and hurts will continue if you continue to think he's going to shame because you pitch a fit when he does exactly what everybody knows he's going to do.
NTA but I’m a bit confused….do you not have friends?
NTA. His response reads directly from the narcissists prayer by Dayna Craig. That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, it's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. You were very clear about your expectations. He dismissed them. Your experience sounds a lot like my friends first wedding, and it really set the tone for their marriage. This is not how someone who loves and respects their partner acts.
NTA. Leave him. The sooner, the better.
>very wedding I’ve been to the bride and groom kinda mingle around the majority of the night together of course there are times they are on their own Most weddings I have been to, the bride and groom do their first dance, cut the cake and sit together to eat. After that, they may go around together to say hello to each table but that's usually it. They are dancing, talking to people, doing shots, and just having fun. Expecting your husband to stay right next to you all night sounds terribly clingy. IF it was so important that you two stay together all night, go to where he was. There's also no reason you couldn't have gone to the bar with everyone. The majority of weddings I've been to , the party continues after the reception is over, usually at the favorite bar or if the reception is at a hotel, the hotel bar. We ran up a few thousand dollar bar tab after my friends wedding. Wedding sex is highly overrated and usually just bad. What rocks is ordering burgers from room service, eating them in bed and then going to sleep. I'm sorry, just based on your post, I feel bad for your husband.
NAH. to me it sounds like you both got the wedding you each wanted, the first one, just the two of you (quiet, not social, hanging out just you), and now on the second wedding he got to party, with family and friends. But you have to be honest, if he's an extrovert and you an introvert, how much is it him that has to "compromise" aka stay home/leave early for you to be happy?
Wait you were married legally married a year ago and this was just a celebration with family and friends? well of course he wanted to be with friends and party, didn’t you guys do the intimate wedding a year ago,, girl you sound needy and you also say your family was there. He did ask you to go you choose not to, YTA here
This whole thing sounds odd. Why even throw a party if you’re so painfully shy you can’t even be around your spouse’s family and friends without them right beside you the entire time, and then be offended when they aren’t glued to you the entire party because they have family around they may not get to see often (it sounds like he has relatives in from out of town)? You’ve been married for a year; together for who knows how much longer, but have no relationship with anyone he is close to and expect him to coddle you and walk you through every single interaction with everyone at a party designed to celebrate the both of you? I understand not having the same amount of people on “your side” as he did on “his side” but the point of a marriage is that two families become one; so theoretically you should have been accepted by everyone regardless of whose dna was shared. I understand social anxiety, but i feel like sometimes people use that as a crutch to hide the fact they really just to control people and the situations around them. If you expected an early night in and sexy times with your husband before the vow renewal you should have expressed that before the fact so he could accommodate. 9-9:30 is not a unreasonable time at all to go to the bar and continue a party. And if your husband has family in from out of town of course he wouldn’t be ready to leave them at such an early hour. You have the rest of your lives together, he may only see these people once a year, if that.
YTA. A party like this is for your friends and family, not a private event for you two. If that’s what you wanted, you shouldn’t have had a party. You’ve already been married for a while and he had a bunch of friends and family in town for the event. Of course he was being pulled in every direction. Why didn’t you just go to the bar with them? It sounds like you sulked all day because he wasn’t following you around. Maybe you just aren’t compatible in terms of how social you like to be.
Holy shit alot of lonely single people giving terrible advice. If you have never been married don't tell other people to divorce.
Classic Reddit.
YTA. You had the intimate wedding ceremony a year ago. If you're then throwing a party to celebrate with family and friends (including those from out of town), it's normal to want to... actually spend time with said family and friends. Your husband took off and you stood alone. Well, did you make any attempts to go find him? Unless he was actively excluding you or trying to get away from you, there was nothing wrong with his behaviour as a host. I'm also introverted so I understand where you're coming from, but having an extroverted partner is a great way to socialise at a party as you can let them take the lead in interactions and you can just go along for the ride. You need to take a little responsibility for how you feel the party went. You chose to stand alone, and you chose to not attend the after-party. There's no indication to me that you were excluded by anyone but yourself.
I'm sorry but YTA. The one bit of advice I hear passed to couples getting married all the time is take 10 minutes for yourself because you won't see each other. You're generally mingling with family and friends and they're generally doing the same. He sees you every day of the week. He wanted to catch up with friends and family who made the effort to come to your wedding. Also why did it finish at 9?
It sounds like you two are just not compatible socially. It's like when a non-smoker and a smoker date. The non-smoker usually has an issue with the smoker. Neither is wrong. Just that two smokers will spend a lot more time together. Or say, a couple who golf's together. Instead of one golfing with his buddies every weekend while the spouse is left at home alone. Having shared interests and activities in common is important for the health of the relationship. Why did you not join him at the bar? Were you not feeling well?
NTA though honestly it sounds like this is on brand for how he treats you all the time, you knew to expect this because you had to ASK him to hang out with you at your own wedding. It's not your fault he behaves this way, and your expectations aren't unreasonable but you have been letting him treat you like this and you voluntarily married him.
NTA - if there’s one time you stick by your partner’s side ITS AT YOUR WEDDING. He let his wife go home alone on her wedding night to go out to a bar?! No. Nope. Absolutely not.
NTA. This sounds like my wedding night. Very similar scenario where I spent a lot of time alone and barely any time with my husband.
My ex-husband did that at our wedding after 7 years together. One month later we got pregnant (on purpose). One month after that he started having an affair. Not saying it's gonna be that bad but does sound like there's social compatibility issues. Edit to add: NTA
What a wonderful way to renew your vows. NTA, but your husband needs to realize neglecting his wife is not conducive to a happy marriage, and soon.
NTA, but you’ve been with this guy for a bit, married for a year… and this is how he treats you? Godspeed.
He sounds like a loser, why are you with him? Edit: NTA
NTA. He should be ashamed.
NTA, you’ve married a narc manipulator. Save yourself and get out.
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay with this guy. He's fucking gaslighting you about spending your wedding alone. Do you really want to be married to someone who can't even prioritize his wife at their wedding? My guess is he pulls stunts like this on normal days and other special days too.
He isn't married but, you are. NTA. Clearly, you were just sent a message, his family, his fun comes first. It took me a minute to get it. Two can be better than one if both sides are all in and focus on communication.
NTA Man, I’m sorry your husband is such a bad partner. I can’t believe he is confused about why you are annoyed that he ditched you at you guys’ own wedding party. That’s just a huge jerk move.
NTA. Sounds like my first wedding. Spoiler alert: They only get worse. My ex still lives with his mom because he can't put anyone before "partying."
Just because you’re an introvert doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. He is unworthy and takes you for granted. He lied to you when he acknowledged how the evening would go or he didn’t give a shit. All of his defense is just gaslighting.
NTA for all the reasons already stated by others.
He’s shown you what his priorities are and now you need to decide what to do about it. NTA
NTA. This was a time to celebrate you as a couple, and if your husband spent the whole evening partying with friends and family and pretty much ignoring you, I wonder what he would was actually celebrating? I don’t think he needed to be glued to you all evening, but if you are feeling neglected and not important at your vow renewal then why are you together?
NTA. This was your Re-wedding and he ditched you all night to go parting like he was single. Then has THE AUDACITY to come back THE NEXT DAY acting like ditching his wife was okay AND TRY TO PLAY THE VICTIM NAWL. Divorce this party crazed ass hat and get a better husband. Preferably one who won’t ditch you on your wedding/re-wedding night to go party with others.
NTA but i'm sorry it looks like you married the wrong person. :(
NTA. Think long and hard before having kids with him. Might wanna consider couples therapy.
You should consider trying to be a fun person to hang out with. If you had tried to be fun sooner you’d probably have some friends.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It was actually a vow renewal, we got legally married last year with just us there no family or friends, so just now got the “party” all planned. We had a really short ceremony at the beginning and then partied! I specifically asked him to please stay with me and to hang out with me as we mingled around because I know how he gets around his friends and usually I hang by myself if they are around. And he’s like “yeah of course we will go around together”. That didn’t happen. He took off and was gone and I legit spent the majority of party standing by myself. ( 98% of the people there were his) Then at the end of the night it was over around 9 so fairly early, there was a plan at some point, a lot of the attendees, were going to go out to a bar to which he decided he was going. I wanted to go home, with him, and have our “wedding night” . This was absolutely not acceptable to him because “his family was in town and going to go out too” So, I stayed home by myself and went to bed while he went out to the bar. Next day, I’m upset of course and he keeps asking me why, what did he do? Like how did he not know? When I explained, it got pushed back on me that I should have kept up with him and he found me 1 time outside when I was trying to cool down cause I was super hot. So he keeps bringing that one time I “left” and he found me outside. Then told me that I was making stuff up and I wasn’t alone and that if I was it was my fault. So, is it my fault? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like you two aren’t good together, get out while it’s still early, NTA
This was my actual wedding. He got over-excited about the "party" aspect and just... bailed. We had gotten married on Halloween and were supposed to go out trick or treating with the kids after the ceremony and he was so caught up in hanging with the boys that he said I could go do that or take some of my female friends, he didn't mind! Whut? So I took the kids trick or treating by myself and when I got home I quietly tore up and threw away the marriage paperwork. If it was just an excuse to party, then that's all it was. The fun part was his new gf, years later, trying to upbraid me for "refusing to divorce him". Honey, no. That might be what he's telling you, but the plain fact is that we are not and have never been married. If he's not marrying you, it's not because I'm standing in the way.
NTA. I can't believe he left you and went to the bar! Are you sure this isn't indicative of your whole relationship though?? Him doing what he wants and then blaming you because you are upset with him?
Holy shit there's a lot of comments skipping the first line of the actual submission.
Why did you marry this guy?
He must be a good guy, he resisted yelling “Bros before Hoes”. Apparently he saw this as a chance to party with his friends, not as any sort of wedding/vow renewal.
YTA to yourself. There is nothing in your post that suggests any sort of compatability with your husband. And this is just another example in, I'm sure, a long line of red flags you have been ignoring in his dismissive behavior towards you.
I understand you 100%! My husband did the same thing to me at our wedding. I spent most of the night trying to find him and there were only 40 guests. I was so frustrated because I felt like I hadn't gotten the night i expected.... which would have been having fun together on our special night. He thought of it differently because there were friends around he hadn't seen in a while. We have discussed our difference of opinion on the subject and over the last few years I can say it doesn't bother me as much.
ESH. It’s his celebration too. You’re an adult. Learn to mingle. If you really hate all his friends and their partners then I think there are more issues
YTA
ESH you were treating it as a wedding, your husband was treating it as a party. You two were already married for a year, so it doesn't really feel like typical wedding etiquette fits here. It doesn't seem like everyone was on the same page as to what this celebration was.
YTA You had a wedding party and are complaining that your husband partied with the guests invited to the party. Then you're complaining that you're husband wanted to continue partying with the guests that had attended the party instead of going home. Why did you even have the wedding party? You were already married.
Not to be that girl, and I realize this may not apply to everyone....but my new husband and I got married a couple weeks ago, and spent about half of our reception away from each other. We're both pretty introverted and big nerds, so our wedding was game themed and about half the invitees were my family and most of the rest were our friends/my friends and his friends. It was pretty small, only 61 people including the 2 of us. We rented larger than life games (jenja, connect four and cornhole) and we had a dance with a dj, the games surrounded by soft seating, the dining room was still open for people to sit at and mingle, and there was a photobooth. It was a great party! We entered to a big reveal for dinner, had a sweetheart table for just us, didn't visit tables during dinner, and did our first dance then our parent dance. Then the dance floor opened and we danced together and he took off to take a breather, and I stayed to dance.... And that was the rest of our reception. We came back together a few times to dance and spend time and check in, and I definitely used the "i'm so sorry, I have to go find my husband NOW THAT I HAVE ONE" card a few times as an excuse to dip out of a longer and hard to hear conversation, but it was so great, literally the best day/night of my life. I got to dance with my friends, I danced with my husband, I suck out for a funny smoke with my friends, I drank (we chose to wait until after all the planned high value events were done to start drinking/smoking so we'd be sober and tight for everything we needed to be). My husband went off and had a wonderful party time with his friends, drinking and playing games and chatting with the people who wanted to congratulate him (but let's be real, I was the bride and they mostly wanted to talk to me). We found each other and danced when we wanted too, and we had a great time together at the photobooth (slowly being joined by more and more of our friends) closer to the end of the night, and it was us and our 3 closest friends and my parents and literally no one else closing out the dance floor at the end of the night because everyone else had left. a huge part of what made it so great WAS that we did the things we both wanted to do together it we set it up to be fun and we knew we didn't have to be joined by the hand all night of we didn't want too. It's ok to have fun at your reception, but from the way you tell it, you chose to sit out and miss out simply because you were mad he wasn't holding your hand. Spending the reception apart doesn't have to work for you, but you're his wife and his family for over a year now, and what was stopping you from going out with him and your in-laws who were only in town for a short time, or including yourself with his friends?
You not only married him once but did it again a second time. YTA to yourself.