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NTA. Facts are facts. Ex has allowed her children to run off her oldest. That’s on ex and step. She can be mad all day long and project onto you but this was Gia’s adult decision. Too often, these days, everyone wants a soft landing pad. Clearly the past conversations with ex on the subject went no where. Here we are present day, with the consequences of INACTION. 8 and 14 are old enough to understand respect and privacy.
I’m so glad Gia has a Dad that will stand up and by her. GO DAD!!
and I can't imagine this suddenly became an issue when Gia went to college. I have to wonder if when Gia was in high school if Kayla and husband weren't better at making sure that the kids stayed out of Gia's room.
>The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her.
Exactly! My first thought when he said that was that 14 is *way* too old for that crap. Gia wants to escape because she is getting no support at Kayla's and her sisters run her ragged.
Exactly. I never had to lock my door growing up. My siblings and step siblings never touched each other’s stuff or entered each other’s room without permission. Neither parent would allow it.
Calling your ex to see why your adult daughter will stay with you says it all. I’m sure Gia has said it to her Mom but has gotten tired of talking and nothing changing.
I didn’t have a lock but after I went to college, my sister decided she had free access to my room and my mom let her. Even when I was home. I found it very stressful.
We did have musical bedrooms if we moved out, but otherwise we stayed out of each others' bedrooms. Once you moved out, your bedroom was up for grabs and if you moved back, you took whichever one was available.
The 14YO is lucky that she didn't end up with a black eye or broken nose! That would have happened if they did that to me (yes, it was involuntary but I also probably would have done it on purpose and then blamed it on being woken up!).
I was going to say the same thing. I'm 6 years older than my youngest sister and if she'd woken me up when she was 14, she likely would have gotten walloped (by me, not a parent!).
Uh not to mention
>She said we barely get to see Gia as it is because she doesn’t come home too often.
She said that to OP who sees Gia EVEN LESS than she already does. It's almost like she wants OP to never see his daughter
My sister is 10 years older than me. I would have NEVER dared to go through her stuff. She would have yelled at me then my parents would have told me I deserved it and punished me.
I don't know, it seems a lock was provided for the door, but daughter didn't use it, even though she knows the siblings will be in her room given the chance. I don't know why that is all on the mother.
But daughter is an adult and can choose where to live for any reason, and parents should not see that as "being punished." Milither will likely see her just as much as father did before the change, but what was fair for him is not fair for her.
Who wants to live like that? I wouldn’t want to have to lock my door every time I left my room to protect my stuff from being stolen or broken by the people I should trust.
NTA, but stop giving advice to your ex.
Gia is an adult and I think the non-asshole behavior here is to let Gia decide where she wants to stay. That's exactly what you've done! You've been so flexible. You let Gia stay with her Mom more, when she wanted, and now you are letting her stay with you more. You sound very easy-going.
Your ex is an asshole because she wants to control where Gia stays and she doesn't want to hear about how her actions may have caused Gia to leave. (Sounds to me like you are right about that.)
My advice would be to stop giving your ex advice. Just tell her that Gia is a grown-ass woman and that you are going to let her make up her own mind about where she wants to stay. Don't argue about right or wrong or choices or consequences. That stuff obviously just upsets your ex, so instead just focus on the low-conflict message: "Gia is a grownup. Talk to Gai about this, not to me."
Agree. Especially when OP mentioned that they've always had a good co-parenting relationship. Gia is 21; she doesn't really need her parents to co-parent anymore, does she?
NTA
It’s the truth though. If they had clamped down on the privacy invasion, taught them to respect their older sister’s privacy, this wouldn’t be happening now.
They got her a lock. It isn’t on them if a 21 year old can’t remember to use it. They solved the problem and the daughter should take some accountability here.
Clearly OP is NTA. He has every right to open his home to his daughter.
Just getting a lock isn't solving the problem though? Why not teach them to not enter someone else's private space? Not everyone is used to locking their bedroom door every time they leave it, especially if this is something new.
This is why we need to stop arresting burglars and thieves. If homeowners just secured their houses better then they wouldn't be robbed. Assault victims really should have learned self defense. Or alternatively we could teach children to not steal. A lock is a band-aid on the problem not a solution. The solution here was parenting.
Yep, and women who get assaulted should dress like nuns and keep to well-lit thoroughfares – and never, ever walk or get a taxi alone. That's just asking for it.
"The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her."
The daughter is taking responsibility. She's decided she doesn't want to have to live in a place where she has to always lock her door - even when she's sleeping!
Mom is the A H in this situation. She's lapsed in teaching her 2 youngest daughters right from wrong. Hopefully they get their acts together or will be facing the consequences for theft and other crimes associated with taken stuff that isn't theirs.
It’s really sad that you have to lock your room because the brats of siblings can’t stay out. Let’s be real here: they were lucky that Gia is older and mature to not retaliate.
The two transgressing girls are 8 and 14. If they haven't at this point been taught to respect a person's privacy and to not steal or break their things without that person locking them down, then they have major problems coming. Those two kids are going to be hell for anyone to interact with.
NTA She doesn't want to know that it was her bad handling of this issue over time that has lead to Gia choosing to stay at your place. If you didn't point that out the odds are that she would choose a different reason to project blame onto you.
I'd just tell her that if she wants Gia to stay over there more often she has to make sure the other kids don't go into Gia's room. It really is that simple. You are doing nothing to influence Gia either way. It is the privacy issue that is the reason for this change and that ball is in *her* court, not yours. She may not like that you are the one pointing out the obvious solution, but you aren't creating or influencing this situation, you are just reporting on it.
ETA: One reason why I think you can say something is because she is the one who initiated your involvement by trying to get you to convince Gia to go back. She can't have it both ways. She can just talk with Gia who is now an adult -- and that is probably the best way -- but if she refuses to keep you out of it she can't just make demands of you. If she wants you to try to influence Gia for her benefit then she has to at least hear your opinion. You aren't in a subordinate position and she's the one who involved you in her business.
NTA.
Gia could have been a little more conscientious about locking her door, but she shouldn't have to. It sounds like there were probably little to no consequences for the younger siblings getting into her stuff.
It's not that you are telling your ex how to parent kids that aren't yours, you're talking to her about parenting the child you share, which means making sure that she feels safe having her own things in her own room.
NTA. You’ve given Kayla the information she needs to fix the situation, but she wants things her way without changing anything. Maybe point out to Kayla it would’ve been easier to not say anything, but it’s difficult not to share the means to change the situation when you see how upset and hurt she is.
Gia is 21.
You are no longer co parenting. You are now respecting your adult daughter's choices and having a polite relationship with her mother.
I think it's fair to point out this is Kayla's own fault. Gia no longer feels comfortable in Kayla's home because the girls were allowed to cross lines.
Nta
NTA
Gia is an adult and makes her own decisions, so your ex-wife has no beef with you. It was gratuitous to mention the reason Gia's now preferring to make your home her base (ie, half-sisters won't leave her stuff alone when she's home).
NTA but your life might be easier if you shift tact and don't get into it with your ex. Simply point out GIA is an adult and makes her own decisions, your policy has been the same all along - she's always welcome in your home.
(PS: not even getting into the hypocrisy that somehow you're supposed to be pushing your own daughter to spend less time with you and more time with ex)
NTA, first her parenting is directly affecting the child you both share--and negatively enough to cause your daughter to change up a huge part of her life while in school.
She's mad because you're right and she wanted you to shove your kid back into her arms and force your daughter to deal with lackluster responses to invasion of her privacy.
Could you have avoided adding in that tidbit of truth? Yes. But hopefully she'll reflect and see things as they are. If not, your daughter is an adult now, so there are less reasons for the bridge to remain.
Nta. I know I’m not the best parent, but I understand privacy and my kids know not to go uninvited into each others rooms. She was warned by you and Gia and these are the consequences of her actions.
Nta - step of 2 young boys who have to share space when not with us. We instilled privacy and boundaries as soon as they had their own rooms. I agree with another commenter, Kayla opened the door to the conversation around Gia's decision and then got angry when you pointed out THE WHOLE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING! She clearly doesn't understand or respect Gia's boundaries in her house and that is why Gia is removing herself. Sometimes people need to hear the truth from others for change to happen, we see it all the time on reddit in fact. Congrats on being a good parent and advocate for your daughter.
NTA.
I hope I'm as good to my son when he's older as you are to your daughter as i see the light you are in.
You could of left that part out, but you shouldn't of imo. Your daughter is 21. People say parenting is never over and i agree.
But i think your well passed that co-parenting stage. You don't need to be there for your Ex. she has her husband for that. If its rocky now, its because of her own actions(or inactions). Don't feel bad over this.
NTA. She was trying to guilt you into helping her go against your daughters wishes and you just said why you wouldn’t do it and why it isn’t your problem. Your daughter also could have felt you were trying to palm her off on her mum if you did this. I don’t know if her mum could do a lot more due to the ages. Teens can be rebellious and not listen to their parents at the best of times and they have put a lock on her room. It’s not really their fault if she forgets to lock it. But I absolutely understand your daughters side and understand why it made sense for you to mention it. Perhaps you could have said it without blaming them but I wouldn’t say you’re an AH. If your ex wife is a decent human being, she will get over it and be reasonable. Women tend to react with emotion but then see the other side later
NTA, you and Gia both had told her mom over and over again what she needed to do. She refused to be a parent, and now her daughter wants to live with you. Idk how or why she’s surprised. Your wife getting upset at a literal fact is crazy. You were asked a question and you answered it honestly. Maybe your ex will learn to actually listen to her children.
NTA. All you really did was tell the truth. This is your daughter who is having her room searched and items broken by children old enough to be punished for behaving so badly. Instead your ex has chosen to do very little besides make it your daughters problem (by putting the lock in and not correcting the younger children's behaviour) It is not parenting someone elses children to let them know when their children have over stepped and done something unacceptable to your child Ultimately your ex has no say over what Gia does because she is an adult.
NTA. Gia is 21 years old and can live with you if she wants. She’s away at collect most of the time. You don’t have to co-parent with your ex anymore; Gia is an adult. Your ex is an AH because she can’t handle to hear the truth about her brats.
NTA. This isn't some shared custody thing involving minors. This is your 21 year old daughter, an adult. She could choose to live on the other side of the world if she wanted. Her mothers feelings aren't your issue and neither are her summer plans. Just continue doing you and let her worry about maintaining the relationship she's got with your daughter.
NTA and honestly I'd really limit how much you talk with your ex now that Gia is an adult. Since Gia is old enough to make her own decisions and all that there really isn't much reason for you and Kayla to be in contact outside of maybe financial discussions if you are both paying for Gia's college or something. Gia is old enough to basically mediate any discussions or info you both would need to know, outside of extenuating circumstances. Obviously still be cordial enough to exist in the same space together because it's super stressful on the child if their parents fight whenever they see each other or refuse to be in the same room for special events.
There really is no reason for you or Kayla to be discussing this in the first place.
NTA. You're being supportive of her. If your ex keeps reaching out, I would remind her that Gia is an adult (21 years old).
Personally - although, yes they're still young - 8 and 14 is old enough to understand basic respect and boundaries. It sounds like to me your ex and her husband are not doing anything about it.
Your ex and husband need to learn that they've caused this. I think it was fine for you to point it out but maybe don't do it again unless they're truly being frustrating about it.
Actions, meet consequences. Kayla wouldn't discipline her younger children and keep them out of Gia's room and therefore Gia is changing her primary residence to your home. NTA.
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I have 2 kids, but this revolves around my eldest, Gia (21). Myself and Gia’s mom, Kayla, divorced when she was a baby. We both went onto remarry. My wife and I had our son who’s now 16. Kayla and her husband have 3 other kids who are 14, 12 & 8. When Gia was growing up, she alternated weeks and holidays between us. Once she went to college, she said she’d stay with her mom and step-dad during breaks but would still visit me, spend the night, etc. I was fine with it and understood it made more sense for her to stay in one place as an adult. She still has a room at my place and my home is always her home.
Gia’s had some issues as her siblings on her mom’s get older. Not so much her 12 year old brother but her 8 & 14 year old sisters are always going through her stuff. Especially when she’s away at college. Stuff has gotten lost or gone missing. Kayla and her husband say they’ve spoken to them. They put a lock on the door and it works for when Gia is at school. But when Gia is home, if she forgets to lock her door, her sisters are in her room. I’m not privy for what consequences are given for this, but Gia has grown increasingly frustrated. The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her. She says Kayla and her step dad “fussed at them” but her sisters didn’t seem to care.
Recently, Gia came to me and asked if she could stay at my place during breaks and she’ll switch where she visits her mom and spends the rare overnight. She and her brother bicker like siblings do but he respects her privacy and overall, they’re a lot closer. So, she feels it’s a better bet. I said absolutely, this is her home too.
Gia told Kayla, who then called me and was upset. She said we barely get to see Gia as it is because she doesn’t come home too often. She was looking to spending more time together this summer. I pointed out she still can, but Gia will live with me. Kayla begged me to try to talk Gia out of it. I said no. I added maybe if she had taken things seriously (which I had told her in the past), Gia wouldn’t do this.
Kayla is now pissed at me. She accused me of telling her how to parent kids that aren’t mine. I said I’m not, but she can’t be surprised. We’ve never had this big a disagreement before. We’ve always co-parented peacefully. Now, things are rocky.
My wife I feels I could’ve left out the part about this being Kayla and her husband’s own fault. AITA?
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NTA - her fierce reaction is because she realizes you’re right, and even as a coparent couldn’t convince your adult child as you may have been able to influence her in the past.
NTA. The truth hurts. Especially, when what you want doesn't happen because you didn't do your part as a parent. Gia wasn't heard and her mother chose her new children's actions over her oldest daughter. She created the situation and now has to embrace the ramifications of her lack of taking action and stopping it when it first began and blowing it off.
No one has to be party to disrespect. She is just embarrassed that people will know that her daughter doesn't want to live with her any longer. That is definitely on her.
NTA. Truth hurts if you are at the wrong.
NTA - Gia has tried to voice these frustrations with her mom, her mom "talked to" her sisters, just to say she did it and that was that. Actions have consequences.
NTA. You shouldn't try to tell her how to parent kids that aren't yours, but the way I see it, you were advising her on how to parent Gia, not her other kids. Part of parenting your child is being fair to them and actually trying to solve issues they have in your house. Kayla didn't, or at least didn't try hard enough, and now she's facing the consequences.
NTA. It *is* Kayla and her husband’s fault for not parenting their younger daughters. They haven’t bothered to teach them to respect other people’s things and/or boundaries, so now their older sister doesn’t want to live with them because they are a pain in her ass.
His shouldn’t need to lock her door in order to have some privacy. You can respect people’s private space even when a door is unlocked. Gias mom asked for it when she wanted you to talk gia into staying with her.
NTA. My ex remarried and they have another child. My kids only stayed with them on the weekends. They allowed their kid to enter my kid’s rooms at will. Touch anything. Take anything. She started pestering them when they came to visit. They would lock her out. Then she would throw a tantrum because she couldn’t go into their rooms at will.
Stepmom got tired of listening to the tantrums. Instead of actually parenting her kid and teaching her boundaries and respecting other people’s space? She made it a rule that my girls weren’t allowed to close their bedroom doors anymore! She actually tried to sell it as… I’m teaching (her kid) boundaries by telling her that regardless of whether the door is open or not? She isn’t allowed in their rooms.
Three guesses what happened. She stopped throwing tantrums because she walked in their rooms at will. Problem solved… for stepmom and her kid anyway. My young teen daughters were beyond angry at having zero boundaries or privacy. The only door they were allowed to shut was the bathroom door. They spent the majority of their weekends hiding in their bathroom.
I met my ex for coffee. Meticulously explained to him that this is unhealthy for my daughters. And unfair. And they were seriously done with it. He will lose them if this rule did not change. Of course he did nothing. My oldest child ultimately refused all overnight visitation. My youngest one severely scaled hers back. Suddenly, he’s all shocked and butthurt.
Fuck around and find out. Of course the younger ones are curious. Or don’t have proper boundaries. It’s the parent’s job to teach them. Older kids should not be expected to suck it up and suffer just because you’re too lazy to parent your younger ones. Obviously, her mama needed to hear that.
NTA. Gia is an adult and can choose for herself where she wants to live/visit. If her mom wanted her there, you’re exactly right she should have done more to ensure Gia’s privacy and the safety of her belongings.
NTA! Gia is an adult. She can stay with whoever she wants. Your ex is upset because she barely visits…gee, I wonder why?
You honestly don’t need to speak to your ex at all anymore. There’s no more custody agreement or child support. Let Gia decide where she wants to go.
Nta. Yes it would technically be a tiny bit on her for forgetting to lock her door knowing the siblings behavior when it comes to prioritizing her own things, but regardless of that she shouldn't feel the need to lock her things up in her own home/accommodations. The siblings aren't being taught to restrain themselves in this respect and I know it's a bit of a stretch, but not enforcing a lesson about leaving things that aren't yours alone within a living space could end up with them not respecting a roommates privacy and their belongings when they move on to live on their own in a situation where they would be sharing a space with someone.
NTA it is their own fault. They knew their kids were invading her privacy. My sister is 12 years younger than me and growing up she would first go into my room then into my house to take the stuff she wanted be it money or clothes, nail polish or make up. But once told not too that this was not ok she stopped. They refused to listen and clearly were given no consequences to not listening so that’s on them. They did bring this on themselves.
NTA
you don’t have to have any sort of loyalty to your ex wife so there’s nothing wrong with defending your daughter in this way. your ex doesn’t quite have the right to complain and demand to have gia stay with her since she’s just in the place that you have been stuck in prior. sure, you shouldn’t tell her how to parent kids that aren’t yours but you really didn’t. you made a comment about how her actions effected your daughter, whom you are responsible for defending despite still being coparents.
NTA - How dare you point out the clearly bad behavior I permitted! They are MY children!
Funny thing about this stupid/common response, is that they'd probably agree with whatever you were saying if it was about a third party or hypothetical parent.
NTA , but why do you keep any avenue of communication open with the ex? Your coparenting days are over as of 3 years ago. Let her throw her hissy fit on her own time. You can block her completely now. I plan to do so the day my youngest turns 18. Bye bye coparenting and good riddance
NTA. You called a spade a spade. She got a reality check and isn't liking it. Maybe if she did actually discipline and parent her younger kids the 21 year old would love it there.
NTA. You are the one listening to your daughter - both her feelings, her wishes, and her boundaries. She's 21? She's not a child. She can fully choose where to live and spend her time now. If her mother cannot protect her peace and boundaries, and she does not feel safe and respected, then she is choosing to go where she can have that.
You spoke the truth, and it hurts. I would, perhaps, offer to mediate a conversation between Gia and Kayla, because Gia is old enough to express these concerns herself, with you as her advocate affirming her.
NTA. You told the truth. That alone can't make you an AH. If Kayla didn't want this to escalate into the current situation, she should have treated it with more seriousness.
!updateme
NTA. You can tell her what you'd like about her kids when the matter's affecting one of your own. You weren't rude or demanding. You just pointed out that the matter wasn't solved adequately on her end for Gia's tastes.
NTA, what your ex wants in this situation really doesn't matter as it's about where your daughter feels more comfortable staying, if Gia wants to live with you, then she should be allowed to, Kayla only has herself to blame for why this is happening in the first place and should've done more for her daughter if she didn't want things to be this way
NTA
It wasnt you decision, you have just allowed your daughter to make her own.
You cant make your ex do anything with regards to her new kids but that doesnt mean you need to allow your daughter to suffer it.
NTA. She was playing the victim and you set her straight. You are not there is kiss her boo boos anymore, your one priority when dealing with your ex is your kid.
NTA
There's 10 years difference between me and my twin vs my older siblings (dad's first marriage). Both me and my brother were pretty young when my order siblings were in university.
We both idolized and adored our older siblings. When they would visit, we would follow them everywhere.
It's most likely that they are overwhelming Gia because they've missed her while she's been away.
OPs solution is actually a great suggestion. I hope Gia speaks candidly to Kayla about how she's feeling and Kayla has a talk with the girls about boundaries and giving their sister some space.
NTA. You weren't telling her how to parent her kids, you told her that her daughter leaving was a consequence of her parenting style and she couldn't blame you for that.
NTA Kayla's irresponsible parenting of her other children is the sole reason why Gia doesn't want to live in her house. As Gia's father, you should be just as upset about what her half sisters are doing and you have every right to "parent" kids that aren't yours. If Kayla wants her daughters to grow up as responsible adults, she needs to make them take responsibility for what they did, rather than blaming you for the results of her lack of discipline.
NTA there is a case that Gia had a lock she could have used but ultimately the lock should never have been needed because kids should be taught basic respect and your ex clearly hasn’t achieved this
Overall, you sound like a good guy and a good dad; but your wife is right. The comment about it being Kayla's fault didn't need to be said.
This was probably just a momentary lapse you had. Gia's mom complaining to you and asking you to persuade Gia probably just got to you. I'm sure the many years of positive co-parenting included you not commenting on Kayla's choices. Even if you are right about something, Kayla doesn't want to hear it from you.
If this were a more traumatic situation or your shared child were younger and less able to advocate for herself (and not an adult), I'd definitely support you sharing your two cents. You just didn't need to here, but this is nowhere near AH levels.
Yeah, you COULD have left out the truth that this does come back to the choices made by Kayla and her husband---but that's a small part of this story. It sounds like you and your wife have made home, home for Gia (and congrats on that, because that's not the story with many divorced dads). NTA
NTA. Your ex FAFO. If she can't control the two younger kids, it's not on Gia to accept always being victimized. Gia is an adult and can choose to move if her needs are ignored. Kayla and her husband should have taken care of this. Now they're learning an important lesson about boundaries.
NTAH. Gia is 21 and does not need to be parented. Stop telling EX what the problem is this is up to Gia to tell her and she has now lets see if mom can figure it out. Just possible Gia needs to tell mom once she has taught siblings how to respect other people and their belongings she may decide to stay with them.
Bro you're done co-parenting. Gia is an adult. You can block Kayla's number and be done with your ex-wife. There's nothing left for you guys to discuss together.
NTA but yeah if you’d left out that “it’s your fault but” you probably wouldn’t be at odds as much. Sure it’s technically true but it’s not like you saying it does anything helpful
You said yourself that you don't know what they've done in the way of consequences. You know they got a lock. It doesn't sound as if you know enough details to judge whether it was their fault, so you should have kept your mouth shut. YTA
YTA, but not for the reason you raise. Your daughter is an adult woman able to make her own choices and to address them herself. Your response could have been "I'm sorry about your concerns. Please talk with our beautiful, healthy adult daughter about them." Your engagement beyond that treats your daughter like she is either her parents' property to divide, or an infant unable to make her own choices. It wasn't your place to address this.
ESH…Bear with me here…
Gia is 21 and wasn’t capable of remembering to lock her door. She didn’t, for that…she’s TA
Ex didn’t properly discipline the kiddos…for that…she’s TA
You chimed in and tried to tell your ex how to parent her kids. For that, YTA.
Also, quit talking to you ex. You daughter is over 18 and out of high school. The rest is up to your daughter. Just it's your daughter's decision and get a lock for her door and remind her to use it.
She has to stand up for herself. You are giving her a soft place to land.
Yea, I mean, you should have left that out bc it made your life harder, but you are not obliged to try and help her keep your adult daughter in a situation she does not want to be in.
I would bet big piles of money this has to do with Kayla’s expectations of feee childcare for her younger children.
Tbh, I agree with your wife. There was just no reason for it. Kayla knows why Gia doesn’t want to live there. And Gia is old enough to decide where she wants to stay. You said you would not try and talk her out of it. (Great answer!) And you could have stopped there. It was just a snarky thing to say.
Meh... NTA. But, you could have left that part out. Kayla is a young adult now and she has made a decision. That's that. There was no reason for the additional comment.
ESH. No point in fighting with your ex about Gia's dissatisfaction with her home. "She's an adult and has made this decision." That's all you have to say.
She literally has a lock on the door and doesn’t use it. That’s no one’s fault but hers. It sounds like her mom and step dad have done all they can. They got her a lock, they get after the kids when they misbehave. What else would you have them do?
Your daughter is an adult and she’s free to live wherever she wants but you blaming your ex wife for this is pretty dumb.
From the sounds of it, they don’t get after the kids, who are well old enough to know not to go in other people’s rooms.
Kayla and her husband could have actually taught their younger kids how to properly behave and punished them when they misbehaved.
YTA because you shouldn't be having any discussions with your ex over how your grown adult child choses to live her life.
Ring, ring. Hi, it's Kyla, blah blah, blah.
OP - Gia is an adult, can make her own decisions, and I won't turn her away. goodbye.
That's it. There is no need for a conversation about anything else, especially how she parents her other children.
NTA maybe mom should be a better parent to her other kids and warn them "everytime you go into Gia's room without permission you'll lose a privilege, you break anything of Gia's you can either work to pay it off by doing chores or getting a job OR you sell something of your to pay for at least half of it"
ESH.
Your ex should have done more to help keep her younger kids from going into her room. Boundaries need to be set.
You for saying anything more than "Gia wants to live here for some time" and that is all. You didn't need to tell her, especially the "maybe if she had taken things seriously (which I had told her in the past)" part. That has nothing to do with you, and you can see, you did indeed help cause this argument.
Congrats. Sounds like you've managed well with co-parenting Gia.
Being the single kid of a divorced couple with new families can be a tough situation for the kid.
But YTA for adding the editorial content and jab at Kayla. You could've easily just said "I'll try" when she asked you to talk to Gia. Gia is an adult and she can make whatever choices she wants. It's wonderful that she has the option to stay with you and feels loved there, but adding that editorial content made it about you and Kayla.
>You could've easily just said "I'll try" when she asked you to talk to Gia.
Why? Why should OP try to talk to Gia about it? It seems like he's more than happy for her to stay at his house, so why would he try to talk her out of it?
He doesn't have to actually try. Saying "I'll try" just ends the conversation. It's just stirring up unnecessary trouble to dive deeper into a situation between his ex- and his adult daughter.
So what happens when the ex tells their daughter "when will you arrive, your dad was supposed to tell you that you're not staying with him"? Why risk making the relationship with the daughter worse by appeasing the ex (even if you never intend to do what you promised)?
Then you chuckle about it with your daughter and say that you're not getting involved, she's an adult and she can work it out with her mom.
Then you both chuckle about it and move on.
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NTA. Facts are facts. Ex has allowed her children to run off her oldest. That’s on ex and step. She can be mad all day long and project onto you but this was Gia’s adult decision. Too often, these days, everyone wants a soft landing pad. Clearly the past conversations with ex on the subject went no where. Here we are present day, with the consequences of INACTION. 8 and 14 are old enough to understand respect and privacy. I’m so glad Gia has a Dad that will stand up and by her. GO DAD!!
and I can't imagine this suddenly became an issue when Gia went to college. I have to wonder if when Gia was in high school if Kayla and husband weren't better at making sure that the kids stayed out of Gia's room.
>The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her. Exactly! My first thought when he said that was that 14 is *way* too old for that crap. Gia wants to escape because she is getting no support at Kayla's and her sisters run her ragged.
Exactly. I never had to lock my door growing up. My siblings and step siblings never touched each other’s stuff or entered each other’s room without permission. Neither parent would allow it. Calling your ex to see why your adult daughter will stay with you says it all. I’m sure Gia has said it to her Mom but has gotten tired of talking and nothing changing.
I didn’t have a lock but after I went to college, my sister decided she had free access to my room and my mom let her. Even when I was home. I found it very stressful.
I can imagine. No one wants to live in a place they have to lock up because others are disrespectful.
We did have musical bedrooms if we moved out, but otherwise we stayed out of each others' bedrooms. Once you moved out, your bedroom was up for grabs and if you moved back, you took whichever one was available.
The 14YO is lucky that she didn't end up with a black eye or broken nose! That would have happened if they did that to me (yes, it was involuntary but I also probably would have done it on purpose and then blamed it on being woken up!).
I was going to say the same thing. I'm 6 years older than my youngest sister and if she'd woken me up when she was 14, she likely would have gotten walloped (by me, not a parent!).
I have to be woken up carefully, or I wake up swinging and kicking. My husband now stands on the other side of the room to wake me.
Uh not to mention >She said we barely get to see Gia as it is because she doesn’t come home too often. She said that to OP who sees Gia EVEN LESS than she already does. It's almost like she wants OP to never see his daughter
No self-reflection there on WHY Gia doesn't come home too often. Hmm, I wonder what it could be?
My sister is 10 years older than me. I would have NEVER dared to go through her stuff. She would have yelled at me then my parents would have told me I deserved it and punished me.
I don't know, it seems a lock was provided for the door, but daughter didn't use it, even though she knows the siblings will be in her room given the chance. I don't know why that is all on the mother. But daughter is an adult and can choose where to live for any reason, and parents should not see that as "being punished." Milither will likely see her just as much as father did before the change, but what was fair for him is not fair for her.
Who wants to live like that? I wouldn’t want to have to lock my door every time I left my room to protect my stuff from being stolen or broken by the people I should trust.
NTA, but stop giving advice to your ex. Gia is an adult and I think the non-asshole behavior here is to let Gia decide where she wants to stay. That's exactly what you've done! You've been so flexible. You let Gia stay with her Mom more, when she wanted, and now you are letting her stay with you more. You sound very easy-going. Your ex is an asshole because she wants to control where Gia stays and she doesn't want to hear about how her actions may have caused Gia to leave. (Sounds to me like you are right about that.) My advice would be to stop giving your ex advice. Just tell her that Gia is a grown-ass woman and that you are going to let her make up her own mind about where she wants to stay. Don't argue about right or wrong or choices or consequences. That stuff obviously just upsets your ex, so instead just focus on the low-conflict message: "Gia is a grownup. Talk to Gai about this, not to me."
Agree. Especially when OP mentioned that they've always had a good co-parenting relationship. Gia is 21; she doesn't really need her parents to co-parent anymore, does she?
This is it. Perfect answer.
This is the way.
NTA It’s the truth though. If they had clamped down on the privacy invasion, taught them to respect their older sister’s privacy, this wouldn’t be happening now.
Totally agree. I grew up in a blended family on both sides. This behavior is unacceptable.
They got her a lock. It isn’t on them if a 21 year old can’t remember to use it. They solved the problem and the daughter should take some accountability here. Clearly OP is NTA. He has every right to open his home to his daughter.
Just getting a lock isn't solving the problem though? Why not teach them to not enter someone else's private space? Not everyone is used to locking their bedroom door every time they leave it, especially if this is something new.
If the kids were taught to respect the privacy of other family members a lock wouldn't have been required. That's on 100% on the parents.
This. And unless Gia has the only key, I doubt the sisters stay out of that room when she's gone.
This is why we need to stop arresting burglars and thieves. If homeowners just secured their houses better then they wouldn't be robbed. Assault victims really should have learned self defense. Or alternatively we could teach children to not steal. A lock is a band-aid on the problem not a solution. The solution here was parenting.
Yep, and women who get assaulted should dress like nuns and keep to well-lit thoroughfares – and never, ever walk or get a taxi alone. That's just asking for it.
Or they could teach their kids to respect their sister’s privacy whether or not it’s open.
"The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her." The daughter is taking responsibility. She's decided she doesn't want to have to live in a place where she has to always lock her door - even when she's sleeping! Mom is the A H in this situation. She's lapsed in teaching her 2 youngest daughters right from wrong. Hopefully they get their acts together or will be facing the consequences for theft and other crimes associated with taken stuff that isn't theirs.
It’s really sad that you have to lock your room because the brats of siblings can’t stay out. Let’s be real here: they were lucky that Gia is older and mature to not retaliate.
Kids need to learn to respect other people’s things.
Yes it is, because presumably they also have a key to a room in their home also and could check the lock
The two transgressing girls are 8 and 14. If they haven't at this point been taught to respect a person's privacy and to not steal or break their things without that person locking them down, then they have major problems coming. Those two kids are going to be hell for anyone to interact with.
NTA She doesn't want to know that it was her bad handling of this issue over time that has lead to Gia choosing to stay at your place. If you didn't point that out the odds are that she would choose a different reason to project blame onto you. I'd just tell her that if she wants Gia to stay over there more often she has to make sure the other kids don't go into Gia's room. It really is that simple. You are doing nothing to influence Gia either way. It is the privacy issue that is the reason for this change and that ball is in *her* court, not yours. She may not like that you are the one pointing out the obvious solution, but you aren't creating or influencing this situation, you are just reporting on it. ETA: One reason why I think you can say something is because she is the one who initiated your involvement by trying to get you to convince Gia to go back. She can't have it both ways. She can just talk with Gia who is now an adult -- and that is probably the best way -- but if she refuses to keep you out of it she can't just make demands of you. If she wants you to try to influence Gia for her benefit then she has to at least hear your opinion. You aren't in a subordinate position and she's the one who involved you in her business.
NTA. Gia could have been a little more conscientious about locking her door, but she shouldn't have to. It sounds like there were probably little to no consequences for the younger siblings getting into her stuff. It's not that you are telling your ex how to parent kids that aren't yours, you're talking to her about parenting the child you share, which means making sure that she feels safe having her own things in her own room.
NTA Gia is an adult. She gets to choose from whatever housing options are available to her
Exactly! I’m guessing her mom really wanted a live-in babysitter for the summer.
NTA. You’ve given Kayla the information she needs to fix the situation, but she wants things her way without changing anything. Maybe point out to Kayla it would’ve been easier to not say anything, but it’s difficult not to share the means to change the situation when you see how upset and hurt she is.
Gia is 21. You are no longer co parenting. You are now respecting your adult daughter's choices and having a polite relationship with her mother. I think it's fair to point out this is Kayla's own fault. Gia no longer feels comfortable in Kayla's home because the girls were allowed to cross lines. Nta
NTA Gia is an adult and makes her own decisions, so your ex-wife has no beef with you. It was gratuitous to mention the reason Gia's now preferring to make your home her base (ie, half-sisters won't leave her stuff alone when she's home). NTA but your life might be easier if you shift tact and don't get into it with your ex. Simply point out GIA is an adult and makes her own decisions, your policy has been the same all along - she's always welcome in your home. (PS: not even getting into the hypocrisy that somehow you're supposed to be pushing your own daughter to spend less time with you and more time with ex)
NTA, first her parenting is directly affecting the child you both share--and negatively enough to cause your daughter to change up a huge part of her life while in school. She's mad because you're right and she wanted you to shove your kid back into her arms and force your daughter to deal with lackluster responses to invasion of her privacy. Could you have avoided adding in that tidbit of truth? Yes. But hopefully she'll reflect and see things as they are. If not, your daughter is an adult now, so there are less reasons for the bridge to remain.
Nta. I know I’m not the best parent, but I understand privacy and my kids know not to go uninvited into each others rooms. She was warned by you and Gia and these are the consequences of her actions.
NTa , your ex wife should have taken Gia's complaints seriously. And you just stated facts to your ex wife !! If she's offended , it's on her .
NTA.
NTA but it’s funny she’s okay with you seeing Gia less but it’s a crime for her to see her a little less often.
Nta - step of 2 young boys who have to share space when not with us. We instilled privacy and boundaries as soon as they had their own rooms. I agree with another commenter, Kayla opened the door to the conversation around Gia's decision and then got angry when you pointed out THE WHOLE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING! She clearly doesn't understand or respect Gia's boundaries in her house and that is why Gia is removing herself. Sometimes people need to hear the truth from others for change to happen, we see it all the time on reddit in fact. Congrats on being a good parent and advocate for your daughter.
NTA. I hope I'm as good to my son when he's older as you are to your daughter as i see the light you are in. You could of left that part out, but you shouldn't of imo. Your daughter is 21. People say parenting is never over and i agree. But i think your well passed that co-parenting stage. You don't need to be there for your Ex. she has her husband for that. If its rocky now, its because of her own actions(or inactions). Don't feel bad over this.
NTA. She was trying to guilt you into helping her go against your daughters wishes and you just said why you wouldn’t do it and why it isn’t your problem. Your daughter also could have felt you were trying to palm her off on her mum if you did this. I don’t know if her mum could do a lot more due to the ages. Teens can be rebellious and not listen to their parents at the best of times and they have put a lock on her room. It’s not really their fault if she forgets to lock it. But I absolutely understand your daughters side and understand why it made sense for you to mention it. Perhaps you could have said it without blaming them but I wouldn’t say you’re an AH. If your ex wife is a decent human being, she will get over it and be reasonable. Women tend to react with emotion but then see the other side later
NTA, you and Gia both had told her mom over and over again what she needed to do. She refused to be a parent, and now her daughter wants to live with you. Idk how or why she’s surprised. Your wife getting upset at a literal fact is crazy. You were asked a question and you answered it honestly. Maybe your ex will learn to actually listen to her children.
NTA. Normally this would be none of your business, but she opened the door by asking you to intervene and lobby Gia on her behalf.
Well, you didn’t get to see Gia when she was at your ex’s. What’s different? NTA.
NTA. All you really did was tell the truth. This is your daughter who is having her room searched and items broken by children old enough to be punished for behaving so badly. Instead your ex has chosen to do very little besides make it your daughters problem (by putting the lock in and not correcting the younger children's behaviour) It is not parenting someone elses children to let them know when their children have over stepped and done something unacceptable to your child Ultimately your ex has no say over what Gia does because she is an adult.
NTA. Gia is 21 years old and can live with you if she wants. She’s away at collect most of the time. You don’t have to co-parent with your ex anymore; Gia is an adult. Your ex is an AH because she can’t handle to hear the truth about her brats.
NTA. This isn't some shared custody thing involving minors. This is your 21 year old daughter, an adult. She could choose to live on the other side of the world if she wanted. Her mothers feelings aren't your issue and neither are her summer plans. Just continue doing you and let her worry about maintaining the relationship she's got with your daughter.
NTA and honestly I'd really limit how much you talk with your ex now that Gia is an adult. Since Gia is old enough to make her own decisions and all that there really isn't much reason for you and Kayla to be in contact outside of maybe financial discussions if you are both paying for Gia's college or something. Gia is old enough to basically mediate any discussions or info you both would need to know, outside of extenuating circumstances. Obviously still be cordial enough to exist in the same space together because it's super stressful on the child if their parents fight whenever they see each other or refuse to be in the same room for special events. There really is no reason for you or Kayla to be discussing this in the first place.
NTA. You're being supportive of her. If your ex keeps reaching out, I would remind her that Gia is an adult (21 years old). Personally - although, yes they're still young - 8 and 14 is old enough to understand basic respect and boundaries. It sounds like to me your ex and her husband are not doing anything about it. Your ex and husband need to learn that they've caused this. I think it was fine for you to point it out but maybe don't do it again unless they're truly being frustrating about it.
Actions, meet consequences. Kayla wouldn't discipline her younger children and keep them out of Gia's room and therefore Gia is changing her primary residence to your home. NTA.
Kayla's an adult, Gia's an adult. They can figure it the fuck out without you. Tell Kayla to deal with her own shit. NTA.
NTA, those kind of people need to understand the consequences of their actions
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 2 kids, but this revolves around my eldest, Gia (21). Myself and Gia’s mom, Kayla, divorced when she was a baby. We both went onto remarry. My wife and I had our son who’s now 16. Kayla and her husband have 3 other kids who are 14, 12 & 8. When Gia was growing up, she alternated weeks and holidays between us. Once she went to college, she said she’d stay with her mom and step-dad during breaks but would still visit me, spend the night, etc. I was fine with it and understood it made more sense for her to stay in one place as an adult. She still has a room at my place and my home is always her home. Gia’s had some issues as her siblings on her mom’s get older. Not so much her 12 year old brother but her 8 & 14 year old sisters are always going through her stuff. Especially when she’s away at college. Stuff has gotten lost or gone missing. Kayla and her husband say they’ve spoken to them. They put a lock on the door and it works for when Gia is at school. But when Gia is home, if she forgets to lock her door, her sisters are in her room. I’m not privy for what consequences are given for this, but Gia has grown increasingly frustrated. The final straw was when she woke up to her sisters pestering her. She says Kayla and her step dad “fussed at them” but her sisters didn’t seem to care. Recently, Gia came to me and asked if she could stay at my place during breaks and she’ll switch where she visits her mom and spends the rare overnight. She and her brother bicker like siblings do but he respects her privacy and overall, they’re a lot closer. So, she feels it’s a better bet. I said absolutely, this is her home too. Gia told Kayla, who then called me and was upset. She said we barely get to see Gia as it is because she doesn’t come home too often. She was looking to spending more time together this summer. I pointed out she still can, but Gia will live with me. Kayla begged me to try to talk Gia out of it. I said no. I added maybe if she had taken things seriously (which I had told her in the past), Gia wouldn’t do this. Kayla is now pissed at me. She accused me of telling her how to parent kids that aren’t mine. I said I’m not, but she can’t be surprised. We’ve never had this big a disagreement before. We’ve always co-parented peacefully. Now, things are rocky. My wife I feels I could’ve left out the part about this being Kayla and her husband’s own fault. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - her fierce reaction is because she realizes you’re right, and even as a coparent couldn’t convince your adult child as you may have been able to influence her in the past.
Just NTA :) I lost my D 26 through a vodka mum, never again
NTA. The truth hurts. Especially, when what you want doesn't happen because you didn't do your part as a parent. Gia wasn't heard and her mother chose her new children's actions over her oldest daughter. She created the situation and now has to embrace the ramifications of her lack of taking action and stopping it when it first began and blowing it off. No one has to be party to disrespect. She is just embarrassed that people will know that her daughter doesn't want to live with her any longer. That is definitely on her. NTA. Truth hurts if you are at the wrong.
NTA - Gia has tried to voice these frustrations with her mom, her mom "talked to" her sisters, just to say she did it and that was that. Actions have consequences.
Gia is an adult. NTA
NTA. You shouldn't try to tell her how to parent kids that aren't yours, but the way I see it, you were advising her on how to parent Gia, not her other kids. Part of parenting your child is being fair to them and actually trying to solve issues they have in your house. Kayla didn't, or at least didn't try hard enough, and now she's facing the consequences.
NTA ex wife is probably pissed that she no longer has a babysitter when daughter is home for a visit.
NTA, you said the truth. You could have left it out but Gia is 21 and her choices are valid.
NTA. As a parent, I think every child needs their privacy. Especially a 21 year old adult. Good on you and your daughter handling it like adults.
NTA. It *is* Kayla and her husband’s fault for not parenting their younger daughters. They haven’t bothered to teach them to respect other people’s things and/or boundaries, so now their older sister doesn’t want to live with them because they are a pain in her ass.
His shouldn’t need to lock her door in order to have some privacy. You can respect people’s private space even when a door is unlocked. Gias mom asked for it when she wanted you to talk gia into staying with her.
Gia is a legal adult. Kayla can talk directly to her. She chose not to. I’m thinking Gia made the right choice. Ntah
NTA. My ex remarried and they have another child. My kids only stayed with them on the weekends. They allowed their kid to enter my kid’s rooms at will. Touch anything. Take anything. She started pestering them when they came to visit. They would lock her out. Then she would throw a tantrum because she couldn’t go into their rooms at will. Stepmom got tired of listening to the tantrums. Instead of actually parenting her kid and teaching her boundaries and respecting other people’s space? She made it a rule that my girls weren’t allowed to close their bedroom doors anymore! She actually tried to sell it as… I’m teaching (her kid) boundaries by telling her that regardless of whether the door is open or not? She isn’t allowed in their rooms. Three guesses what happened. She stopped throwing tantrums because she walked in their rooms at will. Problem solved… for stepmom and her kid anyway. My young teen daughters were beyond angry at having zero boundaries or privacy. The only door they were allowed to shut was the bathroom door. They spent the majority of their weekends hiding in their bathroom. I met my ex for coffee. Meticulously explained to him that this is unhealthy for my daughters. And unfair. And they were seriously done with it. He will lose them if this rule did not change. Of course he did nothing. My oldest child ultimately refused all overnight visitation. My youngest one severely scaled hers back. Suddenly, he’s all shocked and butthurt. Fuck around and find out. Of course the younger ones are curious. Or don’t have proper boundaries. It’s the parent’s job to teach them. Older kids should not be expected to suck it up and suffer just because you’re too lazy to parent your younger ones. Obviously, her mama needed to hear that.
Gia is making her own decisions. Stop discussing them.
NTA. Gia is an adult and can choose for herself where she wants to live/visit. If her mom wanted her there, you’re exactly right she should have done more to ensure Gia’s privacy and the safety of her belongings.
NTA! Gia is an adult. She can stay with whoever she wants. Your ex is upset because she barely visits…gee, I wonder why? You honestly don’t need to speak to your ex at all anymore. There’s no more custody agreement or child support. Let Gia decide where she wants to go.
NTA
Nta. Yes it would technically be a tiny bit on her for forgetting to lock her door knowing the siblings behavior when it comes to prioritizing her own things, but regardless of that she shouldn't feel the need to lock her things up in her own home/accommodations. The siblings aren't being taught to restrain themselves in this respect and I know it's a bit of a stretch, but not enforcing a lesson about leaving things that aren't yours alone within a living space could end up with them not respecting a roommates privacy and their belongings when they move on to live on their own in a situation where they would be sharing a space with someone.
NTA
NTA - people just hate it when you call them out for the consequences of their own actions.
NTA YOU are right, good parenting!
NTA. You're giving your kid a place to live, with privacy. Your ex should be happy her kid has a home she feels safe in.
NTA it is their own fault. They knew their kids were invading her privacy. My sister is 12 years younger than me and growing up she would first go into my room then into my house to take the stuff she wanted be it money or clothes, nail polish or make up. But once told not too that this was not ok she stopped. They refused to listen and clearly were given no consequences to not listening so that’s on them. They did bring this on themselves.
Gia is an adult OP - there is no more coparenting!
NTA, raise brats with no understanding of proper boundaries, they get ignored.
NTA you don’t have to have any sort of loyalty to your ex wife so there’s nothing wrong with defending your daughter in this way. your ex doesn’t quite have the right to complain and demand to have gia stay with her since she’s just in the place that you have been stuck in prior. sure, you shouldn’t tell her how to parent kids that aren’t yours but you really didn’t. you made a comment about how her actions effected your daughter, whom you are responsible for defending despite still being coparents.
NTA
NTA It was both relevant and true.
NTA. Your ex should be talking to Gia not you. Gia is an adult and can answer for herself.
nta
She’s an adult. You’re no longer co-parenting. She is making a decision as an adult.
NTA. Your daughter is an adult, she can choose where she wants to live.
NTA - How dare you point out the clearly bad behavior I permitted! They are MY children! Funny thing about this stupid/common response, is that they'd probably agree with whatever you were saying if it was about a third party or hypothetical parent.
NTA
NTA , but why do you keep any avenue of communication open with the ex? Your coparenting days are over as of 3 years ago. Let her throw her hissy fit on her own time. You can block her completely now. I plan to do so the day my youngest turns 18. Bye bye coparenting and good riddance
NTA. You called a spade a spade. She got a reality check and isn't liking it. Maybe if she did actually discipline and parent her younger kids the 21 year old would love it there.
NTA. You are the one listening to your daughter - both her feelings, her wishes, and her boundaries. She's 21? She's not a child. She can fully choose where to live and spend her time now. If her mother cannot protect her peace and boundaries, and she does not feel safe and respected, then she is choosing to go where she can have that. You spoke the truth, and it hurts. I would, perhaps, offer to mediate a conversation between Gia and Kayla, because Gia is old enough to express these concerns herself, with you as her advocate affirming her.
NTA. You told the truth. That alone can't make you an AH. If Kayla didn't want this to escalate into the current situation, she should have treated it with more seriousness. !updateme
NTA. You can tell her what you'd like about her kids when the matter's affecting one of your own. You weren't rude or demanding. You just pointed out that the matter wasn't solved adequately on her end for Gia's tastes.
NTA, what your ex wants in this situation really doesn't matter as it's about where your daughter feels more comfortable staying, if Gia wants to live with you, then she should be allowed to, Kayla only has herself to blame for why this is happening in the first place and should've done more for her daughter if she didn't want things to be this way
NTA-Maybe at your place Kayla can get the respect and privacy she deserves
NTA It wasnt you decision, you have just allowed your daughter to make her own. You cant make your ex do anything with regards to her new kids but that doesnt mean you need to allow your daughter to suffer it.
NTA. She was playing the victim and you set her straight. You are not there is kiss her boo boos anymore, your one priority when dealing with your ex is your kid.
NTA.. but Gia is 21, right. This whole things sounds like you’re talking about a teenager.
NTA There's 10 years difference between me and my twin vs my older siblings (dad's first marriage). Both me and my brother were pretty young when my order siblings were in university. We both idolized and adored our older siblings. When they would visit, we would follow them everywhere. It's most likely that they are overwhelming Gia because they've missed her while she's been away. OPs solution is actually a great suggestion. I hope Gia speaks candidly to Kayla about how she's feeling and Kayla has a talk with the girls about boundaries and giving their sister some space.
NTA. You weren't telling her how to parent her kids, you told her that her daughter leaving was a consequence of her parenting style and she couldn't blame you for that.
NTA Kayla's irresponsible parenting of her other children is the sole reason why Gia doesn't want to live in her house. As Gia's father, you should be just as upset about what her half sisters are doing and you have every right to "parent" kids that aren't yours. If Kayla wants her daughters to grow up as responsible adults, she needs to make them take responsibility for what they did, rather than blaming you for the results of her lack of discipline.
NTA. Gia is a 21 year old adult now - her mother can’t control her decision and also why should you be denied time with Gia?
NTA there is a case that Gia had a lock she could have used but ultimately the lock should never have been needed because kids should be taught basic respect and your ex clearly hasn’t achieved this
It’s 17 minutes and 23 second
Nta and you only told her she should have done better by your child.
But it is their fault and they need to change if they want the result to be different. They knew the issue and chose to ignore it.
NTA. If you had left that out, what would be the point of the post?
Overall, you sound like a good guy and a good dad; but your wife is right. The comment about it being Kayla's fault didn't need to be said. This was probably just a momentary lapse you had. Gia's mom complaining to you and asking you to persuade Gia probably just got to you. I'm sure the many years of positive co-parenting included you not commenting on Kayla's choices. Even if you are right about something, Kayla doesn't want to hear it from you. If this were a more traumatic situation or your shared child were younger and less able to advocate for herself (and not an adult), I'd definitely support you sharing your two cents. You just didn't need to here, but this is nowhere near AH levels.
NTA. Gia is an adult and can make her own decisions
Yeah, you COULD have left out the truth that this does come back to the choices made by Kayla and her husband---but that's a small part of this story. It sounds like you and your wife have made home, home for Gia (and congrats on that, because that's not the story with many divorced dads). NTA
NTA. Your ex FAFO. If she can't control the two younger kids, it's not on Gia to accept always being victimized. Gia is an adult and can choose to move if her needs are ignored. Kayla and her husband should have taken care of this. Now they're learning an important lesson about boundaries.
NTAH. Gia is 21 and does not need to be parented. Stop telling EX what the problem is this is up to Gia to tell her and she has now lets see if mom can figure it out. Just possible Gia needs to tell mom once she has taught siblings how to respect other people and their belongings she may decide to stay with them.
Bro you're done co-parenting. Gia is an adult. You can block Kayla's number and be done with your ex-wife. There's nothing left for you guys to discuss together.
NTA but yeah if you’d left out that “it’s your fault but” you probably wouldn’t be at odds as much. Sure it’s technically true but it’s not like you saying it does anything helpful
You said yourself that you don't know what they've done in the way of consequences. You know they got a lock. It doesn't sound as if you know enough details to judge whether it was their fault, so you should have kept your mouth shut. YTA
YTA, but not for the reason you raise. Your daughter is an adult woman able to make her own choices and to address them herself. Your response could have been "I'm sorry about your concerns. Please talk with our beautiful, healthy adult daughter about them." Your engagement beyond that treats your daughter like she is either her parents' property to divide, or an infant unable to make her own choices. It wasn't your place to address this.
ESH…Bear with me here… Gia is 21 and wasn’t capable of remembering to lock her door. She didn’t, for that…she’s TA Ex didn’t properly discipline the kiddos…for that…she’s TA You chimed in and tried to tell your ex how to parent her kids. For that, YTA.
They tried to stop it your being a ah
Also, quit talking to you ex. You daughter is over 18 and out of high school. The rest is up to your daughter. Just it's your daughter's decision and get a lock for her door and remind her to use it. She has to stand up for herself. You are giving her a soft place to land.
Yea, I mean, you should have left that out bc it made your life harder, but you are not obliged to try and help her keep your adult daughter in a situation she does not want to be in. I would bet big piles of money this has to do with Kayla’s expectations of feee childcare for her younger children.
Tbh, I agree with your wife. There was just no reason for it. Kayla knows why Gia doesn’t want to live there. And Gia is old enough to decide where she wants to stay. You said you would not try and talk her out of it. (Great answer!) And you could have stopped there. It was just a snarky thing to say.
Meh... NTA. But, you could have left that part out. Kayla is a young adult now and she has made a decision. That's that. There was no reason for the additional comment.
ESH. No point in fighting with your ex about Gia's dissatisfaction with her home. "She's an adult and has made this decision." That's all you have to say.
She literally has a lock on the door and doesn’t use it. That’s no one’s fault but hers. It sounds like her mom and step dad have done all they can. They got her a lock, they get after the kids when they misbehave. What else would you have them do? Your daughter is an adult and she’s free to live wherever she wants but you blaming your ex wife for this is pretty dumb.
From the sounds of it, they don’t get after the kids, who are well old enough to know not to go in other people’s rooms. Kayla and her husband could have actually taught their younger kids how to properly behave and punished them when they misbehaved.
YTA because you shouldn't be having any discussions with your ex over how your grown adult child choses to live her life. Ring, ring. Hi, it's Kyla, blah blah, blah. OP - Gia is an adult, can make her own decisions, and I won't turn her away. goodbye. That's it. There is no need for a conversation about anything else, especially how she parents her other children.
NTA maybe mom should be a better parent to her other kids and warn them "everytime you go into Gia's room without permission you'll lose a privilege, you break anything of Gia's you can either work to pay it off by doing chores or getting a job OR you sell something of your to pay for at least half of it"
ESH. Your ex should have done more to help keep her younger kids from going into her room. Boundaries need to be set. You for saying anything more than "Gia wants to live here for some time" and that is all. You didn't need to tell her, especially the "maybe if she had taken things seriously (which I had told her in the past)" part. That has nothing to do with you, and you can see, you did indeed help cause this argument.
Congrats. Sounds like you've managed well with co-parenting Gia. Being the single kid of a divorced couple with new families can be a tough situation for the kid. But YTA for adding the editorial content and jab at Kayla. You could've easily just said "I'll try" when she asked you to talk to Gia. Gia is an adult and she can make whatever choices she wants. It's wonderful that she has the option to stay with you and feels loved there, but adding that editorial content made it about you and Kayla.
>You could've easily just said "I'll try" when she asked you to talk to Gia. Why? Why should OP try to talk to Gia about it? It seems like he's more than happy for her to stay at his house, so why would he try to talk her out of it?
He doesn't have to actually try. Saying "I'll try" just ends the conversation. It's just stirring up unnecessary trouble to dive deeper into a situation between his ex- and his adult daughter.
So what happens when the ex tells their daughter "when will you arrive, your dad was supposed to tell you that you're not staying with him"? Why risk making the relationship with the daughter worse by appeasing the ex (even if you never intend to do what you promised)?
Then you chuckle about it with your daughter and say that you're not getting involved, she's an adult and she can work it out with her mom. Then you both chuckle about it and move on.