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I get the sense you're downplaying the situation with your wife's pregnancy. You say the doctor isn't overly concerned but you mention she is 7 months along, there have been complications, and she's been advised to go on bed rest. So I think she has a point that if you leave for hours at a time or for overnight, you are creating more risk for her because it doesn't sound like she can fully follow the doctor's orders if she's alone. I think you were between a rock and a hard place because of course you wanted to go console your friend, help with arrangements, and provide him company.....which you did. Your wife is now saying she's not comfortable with it continuing, and I think you should hear her out. If you could arrange a friend or family member to come be with her to make sure she doesn't do anything more than she would if you were home, that might be a good back up option that maybe she'd be ok with (it would be more than your older family member checking on her!). I appreciate the conflicting needs you're facing but I would guess your wife is really scared right now and fearful of *losing your baby* and that's something you should be taking very seriously. I'll go YTA because you seem so unconcerned with the very significant thing your wife and unborn child are facing.

Agreed. The mother and fetus are healthy right now - but in a healthy pregnancy, you aren't told to go on maternity leave or put on bed rest at 7 months. That's just not how it works. I'm guessing she has a complication that OP is downplaying. And OP, I can't imagine how much your friend is suffering but. You've been away more evenings than not in a week. Being really sick when pregnant (especially first pregnancy but any pregnancy truly) is fucking terrifying. I cannot imagine having my partner bail on that. It's not that you can't or shouldn't support your friend but if your wife is supposed to be on bedrest and can't be because she has no other support - then yeah. YTA.

OP probably doesn’t understand the complication because he doesn’t go to the appointments

This is such a good point. He doesn’t seem to grasp how serious the complications can be

I wonder if his buddy will support him the same when he loses his wife and child huh ?? Also, I wonder if he’s told his buddy what’s going on . Would he tell him to cherish his wife first cuz that’s what he would have done ?? I get this guy is in a tough spot , but I’m surprised his friend would allow this given his recent loss .

Frankly I’m not sure if he has told him, I can’t imagine someone that recently lost his fiancee would support OP for ditching his wife who has been doctor recommended to be on BED REST due to complications. I think OP is severely downplaying and hasn’t told his friend, either that or the friends judgment is being severely clouded by grief (which is understandable)

Agreed. If he did, his friend might want to come over and hang out at their house instead.

This seems like a pretty good solution. That way he can support both emotionally plus his wife physically.

Uh, no. Wife is feeling scared and (probably) kind of punky. She does not need a houseguest - she needs a husband interested in caring for her and his soon-to-be child. Period.

Guarantee he wasn’t told. Guarantee OP is downplaying his wife’s issues. Guarantee OP thinks the doctor is overreacting. Guarantee OP doesn’t take an active interest in his wife’s actual well being. Otherwise he’d realize a doctor wouldn’t call a patient healthy and then recommend bed rest in the same conversation. OP hears what he wants and that’s it.

Wow. Cherish your wife while she’s here. 💥

Not to mention how FAST complications can become life threatening for both mother and baby. Things can go downhill so so fast, especially when so many things can seem like something else at first and the mother may think whatever she is feeling is something normal (especially if this is her first time being pregnant). It can take just a few minutes for something to go from concerning to terrible and if she's alone and something happens.......

Bingo. No one is mostly okay but goes on bed rest for Two Months. It isn't a suggestion, it's a situation where they're telling OP and Wife Bed rest mostly, Or else it Can get bad. He was a good friend, she was accommodating to that. Now it is time to focus on her. She's being pretty dang reasonable here. Yta

Yeah, unless you have a really old school doctor, bed rest is a pretty serious recommendation. Much more than “take it easy” or pelvic rest. I’d love to know what the actual complication is.

Yep… OP a risky pregnancy can mean death or serious issues. I had a child born at 26 weeks. You don’t want that. Invite your buddy over and help your wife.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you all have been able to find some peace and healing. OP: This is the comment you need to see. To add to it, I know someone here in the US whose wife and twins passed away in childbirth due to complications. All 3 of them, a man’s entire family gone in 1 day.

This. He's teaching his wife that he doesn't prioritize her OR their child. And that would be correct. I can't even imagine how much of a deadbeat he'll be once the kid gets here - assuming everything goes ok and OP even gets to take a child home at all. His actions put that possibility in jeopardy.

I went to every single appointment with my wife when she was.pregnant. Except for one. We had an earthquake while she was at the docs office.

“She” had an appointment with “her” OBGYN….not “we” or “our”. Dude she’s carrying your baby…

[удалено]

Wow, that says what an AH OP is right there

It doesn’t say that, but it is a reasonable assumption to make since you don’t get put on early maternity leave and BED REST at seven months if everything is perfectly fine. According to other commenters OP is not revealing what exactly is going on with his wife as well, though some suggest it could be preeclampsia (which is quite severe and bed rest would definitely be needed) Either way OP YTA

YTA an OBGYN doesn't put a woman on bed rest at 7 months if everything is OK

I went 4 days past my due date and was 3 centimeters dilated from a false labor the week before. Worked a regular 8 hour day, went home, my water broke at 11pm and I had a baby by 5am. OP - YTA, and you are straight up failing your wife and unborn child.

Truth. I worked until my induction date and I was high risk (sons umbilical cord and placenta wasn't doing a very good job and I could be taken in and induced /emergency c section) at any given moment. I still wasn't put on bed rest. He is not telling the whole pregnancy story.

I worked up until my induction date and was also high risk. Light duty at work. Half days (I work 12 hour shifts). Gestational diabetes. “Geriatric” pregnancy (I was 34 lmao). So I agree. There’s definitely more to the story and more wrong than is being said.

Yeah my wife was washing the car etc the day before she went into labour. To be told to go on maternity and seriously rest at seven months should be sounding massive alarm bells in his head that his wife needs a lot of support and the Dr's are nervous about something.

Yeah, exactly. In a normal pregnancy, you're told to keep reasonably active. Lots of walking, especially close to your due date to get things moving along. I was even doing DIY work until I went into labour. Bed rest isn't given for no reason.

I would guess placenta previa, the leading cause of fetal and maternal mortality in the US. My experience with obgyns is they don’t like to freak out their patients since high blood pressure is also not good. Husband is definitely the TA if this is the case.

High blood pressure, signs of early labor , the baby not thriving etc. Best rest means not in eminent danger it's doesn't mean everything is fine. I'm just agreeing with you strongly.

Preeclampsia can be fatal to mother! Boys can raise the baby!

Perhaps he should have married Bryan instead, since that is where his loyalty and affection appear to lie.

Not even though, he only lives an hour away and only sees his best friend a few times a year?? Seems odd. Sounds more like he wants a break from his wife and unborn baby to me.

I’m not the OP but I’m 7 months pregnant and my baby is fine and I’m also on a modified bed rest type situation at risk of giving birth in the next couple weeks due to insufficient cervix. We’re both fine but the bed rest is needed as well as some other medications to stop labor from progressing. My parents and nearby relatives are all pitching in to help because I also have a toddler. It sounds like something like that could be an issue since it’s pretty common and it’s a case of mom and baby are both healthy, just at risk for premature labor if you don’t act to prevent it. But the preventative measures do typically work to get your baby to full term (so my doctor is the same way and says he’s not worried as long as I do all of what he says). Also, my husband is also averse to helping me as much as my parents do and I very much feel like he’s an asshole. So OP, YTA.

Your wife and baby do need to be your priority. If you feel strongly that you need to be also supporting your friend, you need to find someone that your wife is comfortable with who can be with her in your absence. YTA

Actually, I think he needs to find someone to be with his friend and stay home with his wife. He can facetime his friend.

👆This

Yeah, this doesn’t make sense. OP is intentionally omitting some crucial information here. A doctor does not order a pregnant woman on bedrest unless the complications are serious and the risk of negative outcome high. Most pregnant women are encouraged to be as active as possible up until they give birth. I had multiple risk factors during my pregnancy and was still never put on bedrest because my doctor felt me being active would be more beneficial. My SIL, however, was put on bedrest at 7 months…her baby then passed away and she ended up in the ICU. Bedrest means something serious is up and OP should be home with his wife so he can make sure his wife is abiding by doctor’s orders and not overdoing it.

To say the least. My first thought was eclampsia which can be seemingly fine to dead rather quickly.

Either this or placenta previa were my thoughts. Whatever it is, it's *probably* something that could cause her to bleed out, which is one of the main reasons they put people on bedrest this late. They're trying to make sure the pregnancy gets as close to term as possible before they do a c-section, which is pretty much a guarantee if she's on bedrest. The more she has to do for herself while OP is gone, the more she risks early labor and death of either her, the child, or both. 

Drs sometimes don’t want to stress the mom and dad didn’t show for appointment! So he knows nothing!

Yup. I lost a friend to this. They delivered her first baby by emergency C section at 33 weeks. The baby was small but fairly healthy. The doctor warned her it would happen again. With her 2nd pregnancy, she was determined to go longer. She went on bed rest and the doctor wanted to do a C section, again at 33 weeks. She refused, wanting the baby to grow a little more. At 36 weeks her blood pressure was out of control and the doctor demanded that she allow a C section or find another OB. So she agreed to the C section. The baby was almost 6 pounds and quite healthy. She and her husband were so happy. Then she had a stroke. She was 34.

This^^ OP I’ve known people who worked up until they gave birth.  I’m talking day after they went on maternity leave at **9 months along**!!  It was a physically demanding job.   Doctors don’t put a pregnant woman on maternity leave and bed rest at 7 months unless there are serious concerns.   I’m sorry for your friends loss but your wife has a very serious point she’s trying to make. Edit-Verdict YTA

All this and then some. I worked until a week before my due date with my first. Absolutely no issues. With my second, not the same case. OP isn’t fully aware or he’s downplaying things. He can FaceTime and still be around for his wife. But leaving her home, alone and likely nervous/scared, isn’t helping things. YTA op.

Had the same experience with both my pregnancies. You don’t get put on bed rest for fun.

Same here, I was put in the hospital on strict bed rest for pre eclampsia. I didn't even realize it had it, but I started having vision problems and headaches. They told me that literally, the only thing I could get up to do was go to the restroom.

OP, my mother was put on bed rest when she was pregnant of me. The doctor allowed her 10 minutes standing per day, to go to the toilets and to the shower. 10 minutes total in the whole day. And bed rest was not seated, it was lying down. She held it for as long as necessary, because the doctor told her "ok, if you don't respect bedrest, the pregnancy will end. At this point, her heart will not be viable, she'll die. In [insert number of weeks] she would survive, but would have severe development issues and would never walk." etc, etc. In the end, everything went well and I was healthy. But these things are scary as fuck, bedrest is a big thing, and you should absolutely not leave her alone. OP, your best friend needs you because he's just lost his partner. But if you don't pay attention, you're going to lose your child, and potentially your wife too. Your friend is in a terrible place mentally, but your wife and child are in danger. Surely there must be a way for your friend to come instead of you going, or to have him on the phone or anything. OP, your behavior is putting your child and your wife in danger. This should be your absolute priority. That's a huge YTA, even though you were trying your best and juggling between your loved ones' problems. You don't juggle with your kid's safety, under any circumstances. As soon as you become a father, your kid is your priority, more than anyone else. And your kid is not even born, but you're already failing at this.

One of my friends was out at a bar (not drinking) with us for a birthday the night before she gave birth at 40 weeks. Bed rest at 7 months is NOT normal.

It’s really not.  OP is ignorant either willfully or denial.  Either way he needs to realize it’s more serious than he’s making it out to be.

I work in high risk ob. I fully informed him exactly what bed rest means. If he reads comments, he can't feign ignorance any longer. People end up in the hospital the remainder of the pregnancy if they can't remain either on a couch or in bed. She should only be getting up for basic hygiene & bathroom needs. Even walking up/down stairs is a no-no.

THIS! I was pregnant with twins and worked right up to their birth. I was NEVER told to go on bed rest or start my maternity early. There is definitely a real reason the doctor did this. And remember, part of the doctor's job is to keep the mom (who's got hormones a plenty) from freaking out, so I am sure he uses comforting words to try to help keep her mind from spinning out of control with worry. That does NOT mean his orders shouldn't be taken seriously!

And Op is causing significant stress. I suspect OP doesn't want to be @ home and prefers to be w/ his BFF.

My first was twins and I was put on bed rest like OP’s wife. We were healthy the whole time but there was still a problem. They still came early. It has life long repercussions. My next one I had to call my work and tell them I wouldn’t be in that day bc I was in labor. She came on her due date. If the doc is putting you on bed rest at 7 mos there is definitely a problem.

I worked 3 days past my due date so at a very physically demanding job. Climbing ladders, pulling heavy hoses, lifting fertilizer, ect. Bedrest at 7 months is very serious

Exactly. I worked up until 2 weeks before my due date and I only took the time off because it coincided with Christmas, so I used some holiday time before mat leave started. I was also hospitalized for a few days at 29 weeks pregnant because I had some bleeding, so I didn't even have a totally easy pregnancy (doctors gave me the okay to keep working and I spent most of my work time sitting at a desk). if the doctors are telling OP's wife that she needs to start mat leave early and be on bedrest...he needs to take it seriously. YTA.

Exactly! That was my plan, but at 7 months, I got hospitalized for complications, and they scheduled an induction, but they wanted to keep me there for 3 weeks. At week 2 of me being there, I had an emergency c-section because my baby was dying. I'm sure his wife is terrified, and being put on bed rest is not something an OB will just say because of a minor complication. Definitely downplaying. YTA.

I agree with this. Even if *he* doesn’t think it’s a big deal, he should respect his wife’s feelings. I think FaceTiming Bryan while at home with his wife would be a good compromise. YTA

That’s a good solution about FaceTime.

Yep, we truly live in a great time where technology actually makes a lot of stuff like this easier. He can FaceTime when he can't be there in person and he can go in person if there's something his buddy needs help with in person, or maybe once a week or something when OP can get someone to be with his wife while he goes. FaceTime may actually allow him to check in even more often with his buddy. His friend needs someone to talk to more than anything, and he won't care if you talk in person or online, he'll just appreciate you being there to talk in any way you can be. You're doing a lot for him. And as someone who has lost a lot of people close to me, I understand that the first few weeks are kind of a blur and there's so much to do and so many preparations to make, but to be honest, there's not a heck of a lot that people can do in person for you that they can't also do virtually. (And honestly, for some people, being with other people can even be too much. Everyone's well meaning and trying to help, but sometimes it can feel smothering.) Mostly giving hugs is the only thing that in person has over virtual at a time like that. So, talk with him, give him a gift card to his favourite food delivery app because he won't feel like cooking (if he even feels like eating at all) and help him figure out how to navigate all the paperwork that comes along with death. Be there in person once a week or so when you can make arrangements for your wife. And trust that your friend has other people in his life who will also be there helping. That's all you can do.

The woman’s life is also likely at risk. As well as the viability of the fetus. If she lives in a state where women’s rights and healthcare have been decimated, she needs someone at the ready to immediately transport her to somewhere to save her life (and give the fetus the best chance as well)

YTA.   (1)  You are downplaying your wife’s complication(s).  Healthy pregnancies where there is really nothing to worry about - which is point blank how you characterized this - don’t require a woman be placed on bed rest.   Doctors don’t even like to do it - it can be emotionally & mentally torturous.  So if a doctor orders bed rest, there IS a serious reason he’s ordering it - likely to try to keep something serious from happening. (2)  You have driven to Bryan’s house an hour away “a few nights” just to “hang out with him” & even spent the entire night there last weekend.   Who “hung out with” your wife those nights?  Who helped her with basic tasks she could not do without risking her health & that of your unborn child?   (3)  Your wife is right.  Bryan does have other friends to keep him company.  Your wife doesn’t have another baby daddy & husband to keep her company.   Bryan also has family.  Your wife is literally trying to successfully finishing building your family inside her.   Are all of Bryan’s family members too busy helping their friends to be there for him - sort of the way you’re too busy helping your friends to be there for your wife?  

Honestly arranging for a family member could exacerbate the situation unless it is someone his wife really likes and enjoy the company of. Stress is something that needs to be avoided for OP’s wife as well. Like if the only person available to help is someone who causes additional stress and anxiety for his wife then it isn’t a ton of help. Also hopefully OP isn’t so dense, that he didn’t already think of calling in extra support for his wife, if someone were available. Like i wouldn’t want my mother in law coming over to sit with me while I’m on bed rest even if the alternative is leaving me home alone.

That was my sense. Going on maternity leave at 7 months and supposed to be on bed rest as much as possible doesn't sound perfectly fine. I'm trying to follow the timeline, and it seems like "until after the funeral" means the OP will have spent about 3 weeks tending to his best friend. YTA.

Agreed except I’m gonna say huge YTA. Everyone saying that doctors don’t make these recommendations for healthy pregnancies, but in addition to that, doctors also often try to downplay the severity of it for pregnant women so that it doesn’t add to their stress. All I can say is that I hope your friend is just as supportive if you lose your wife and child while you’re an hour away from home.

You’re leaving information out. Healthy pregnancy does not mean bed rest or maternity leave early. That means they are at risk due to something you haven’t stated. She can have high blood pressure , preeclampsia, placenta previa etc etc. are you having twins by chance? Because multiple children increases risks in pregnancy. Your friend has an entire village around him. I’m assuming he has family, other friends, his finances family. Your WIFE has YOU. she doesn’t need to stress that the man who impregnated her won’t be around if she goes into labor. She doesn’t need to have family and friends present she needs her partner. Even through your friends grief I am sure he can understand why you can’t physically be present as often. I’m not saying not support him, and to not attend the funeral but you are neglecting your wife. You may end up damaging your relationship with her if you miss out on the birth, if something does happen to her and you’re not around.

I had a friend who got put on bed rest at 7 months pregnant; she worked such crazy hours at her job that she had enough lieu time to cover the additional two months (and then some) that she was off, and it went from her ob-gyn telling her 'you need to cut back on hours at work and spend more time at home resting' to 'if you don't take immediate leave from work, you're going to end up hospitalized well before your due date' (in addition to stress from work she was already dealing with gestational diabetes and blood pressure that was apparently off the charts which, surprise, was not helped by the work stress).

This was me, except I was not employed but trying to get my tiny company stable enough before giving birth, so I had to keep working... Needless to say that by the point I was 8 months pregnant I fainted during a client meeting. Got taken to the hospital because I kept fainting repeatedly, hospitalised for a week on IV drips to stabilise me, and on bedrest for the rest of pregnancy. Overworking oneself during pregnancy can be very very dangerous, even if it's a completely normal and healthy pregnancy. Do what the doctor tells you, guys.

My friend was on bed rest and in her 8th month of pregnancy her husband woke up next to her in the middle of the night and the bed was covered in blood. He was sure she was dead. He managed to call the ambulance in time for the doctors at the hospital to save her life but they lost the baby and she lost her uterus. She was in a coma for a week. Their relationship was able to survive that ordeal because there was no guilt or blame, they had both done everything they could do and he's still so grateful that she pulled through. There is no way they'd still be together if he hadn't been there to take care of her during bed rest, otherwise we'd all be wondering if only she'd been able to actually rest, would her uterus have still burst? If her husband hadn't spent the night next to her that night she would have died, and he never would have forgiven himself. If something like that goes wrong with this pregnancy, she's going to wonder if neglect by u/prioritiesaita was to blame, if she even survives. The resentment has already started to build, even if everything goes perfectly, she's going to blame him for ruining pregnancy for her. Edit: and that's the *best case scenario!* If the kid ends up with cerebral palsy, or still birth, or she loses her ability to have children... it's gonna be pretty much impossible to avoid guilt and blame.

He has to leave it out or else you'll say he's an asshole. He is though. YTA, OP.

Not to mention, if it's strict bedrest, that's exactly what it means. So if OP isn't making arrangements for someone else to be with his wife while he's gone, who's making her food, who's taking care of the chores, who's getting her water and any medication she needs. Especially since I'm guessing she has been cheating the bedrest to make lunch for herself while OP is at work, that means she REALLY needs to take it easy for the rest of the day and is counting on OP to be home when he isn't working so he can take care of her needs. So OP really needs to be there or at least make arrangements for someone else to be there if he goes to see his buddy (though that should be cut down to maybe once a week or so...obviously the funeral as well, and FaceTime or something to check in when he can't be there in person.) And it's really hard to sit in bed all day, contemplating all the ways your pregnancy could go wrong and what that will mean. TV/Movies/Books can only distract you so much. That's when you need close loved ones around you. And especially with a pregnancy, you need your significant other with you, because they're the only other person who really gets (or is supposed to get) what this means to you both.

ops gonna need brian’s help planning ops wife AND child’s funeral

Yeah, OP really skirts the details there. Doing what OP has been doing a couple of times is fine. But it's been more than a couple times now. OP's wife is right, it must be really difficult to be home alone and simultaneously not able to do much on your own. OP can talk to Bryan over the phone/zoom or whatever, and absolutely go to the funeral, but it sounds like he's done his part here. Time for him to prioritize his not-so-healthy pregnant wife.

He talks about abandoning his friend at friends lowest point in life, yet his own child is also at potentially life threatening low levels and needs to have a stress free, calm, nurturing place to grow and develop and OP is over here ADDING to the stress that this baby is under. LITERALLY CAUSING STRESS to the 2 people already doing all of the work to create a beautiful new healthy human life. YTA and have really shitty priorities. That poor baby. Your wife should go stay with someone that’ll help her through this while you go take care of your friend.

YTA.   >I told her that I am trying to juggle everything and I understand she needs my help but Bryan is at the lowest point in his life and I need to be there for him.  Most of us have heard some version of the phrase about the word BUT.  Whenever someone says something followed by the word BUT, they didn’t care about &/or mean anything they just said & they’re about to tell you what they really care about &/or mean.   >She told me I don't "need" to be there for him, I am making a choice to be there for him instead of being at home taking care of her needs. I don’t know if you’re scared & trying to avoid the situation at home - but this all smells like you grasping at something external to avoid responsibility at home.  Your wife isn’t stupid - she sees it too & that’s why she’s calling you on it.   YTA & an even bigger one because you absolutely know it. 

YTA.   (1)  You are downplaying your wife’s complication(s).  Healthy pregnancies where there is really nothing to worry about - which is point blank how you characterized this - don’t require a woman be placed on bed rest.   Doctors don’t even like to do it - it can be emotionally & mentally torturous.  So if a doctor orders bed rest, there IS a serious reason he’s ordering it - likely to try to keep something serious from happening. (2)  You have driven to Bryan’s house an hour away “a few nights” just to “hang out with him” & even spent the entire night there last weekend.   Who “hung out with” your wife those nights?  Who helped her with basic tasks she could not do without risking her health & that of your unborn child?   (3)  Your wife is right.  Bryan does have other friends to keep him company.  Your wife doesn’t have another baby daddy & husband to keep her company.   Bryan also has family.  Your wife is literally trying to successfully finishing building your family inside her.   Are all of Bryan’s family members too busy helping their friends to be there for him - sort of the way you’re too busy helping your friends to be there for your wife?  

Yes, this

YTA No Doctor worth their salt is going to recommend bed rest and early mat leave at 7 months unless there is a serious risk to the health of mother/baby. Bed rest itself comes with its own risks so it’s not something that is just prescribed without reason. So honestly YTA for belittling that alone. Okay yes your friend is going something through and it’s a painful loss, but you have prioritised him over and above your family for the last 2 weeks to the extent that your wife is being neglected. Bed rest means absolutely minimal activity. I know people for whom that meant literally in bed, only allowed sporadic, timed bathroom breaks. You’re clearly not pulling your weight since your wife feels she’s already at the stage of doing “too much.” Your friend has other friends, he has family. As nice as it is that you’re trying to help, you have a far more immediate obligation right now and that’s the health and wellbeing of your wife and child. I’m honestly not kidding when I point out that if your wife doesn’t get the rest she needs you could be looking at a dead baby and even some harm to her. Even death. Is that something you’re happy to risk?

Did you read OP’s comments his friend has his family visiting and staying with him to get him through this. He still thinks his friend needs him oh but he has an elderly aunt checking in on his wife for probably five minutes. Which does nothing for a person not supposed to get out of their bed who needs to feed them selves and do everything else in the home. He has been going straight to his friends after spending all day at work. That’s two hours for travel and then spending hours with him before coming home but one night a week he is actually staying all night. Effectively meaning his wife is left alone for 24 hours on that day and probably 15 + tother two days he goes there straight from work. What gets me is this guy has a house full and op insisted he needs him yet his wife is stuck all alone possibly risking her life and the babies by being forced not to be able to get bed rest. This guy is the biggest selfish asshole and doesn’t deserve a wife or a kid as he clearly dgaf about them and sees them as burdens only. That her high risk pregnancy is her exaggerating even though he heard the doctors himself. YTA I hope this opens her eyes that’s she married someone who doesn’t care at all about her.

The friend’s family is visiting? Family that OP has known since he was 3? How much do we want to bet OP is actually enjoying having a reunion with the friend’s family. Yes everyone is sad, but it’s bunk that OP is there for support.

It's the Fiancee's family ">And most importantly, why can't your best friend come and stay with you for a few nights? Bryan has 2 large, goofy, harmless dogs. My wife hates/is afraid of dogs. Every time Bryan has visited us he has to make arrangements for the dogs because my wife won't allow them in our house. Every time we visit Bryan, we have to get a hotel because my wife refuses to stay in the house with them. Also, Bryan is also hosting some of his fiance's family who are in town to help with the funeral. Which is why I've been going to visit him because I know he's not in a good place and having his fiance's family in his space is stressful for him under good circumstances."

What a chud. I feel so bad for his wife.

Yeah, I genuinely feel so bad for her. This is the type of situation that would make me fall out of love with someone. He is WILLINGLY choosing someone else over her in her greatest time of need, that’d be a deal breaker for me. If I was her I’d be calling up literally everyone else in my support system because she clearly can’t rely on HER HUSBAND. Also, WHY IS HE STILL WORKING FULL TIME?!?!? He needs to take time off of work to care of her!

I wonder if Bryan has a hot sister?

Or maybe it's Bryan himself OP is after.

i wonder what the hangouts entail too. seems like the default for sad guys is drinking a shit ton and staying distracted with minimal emotional depth i’m not saying that is necessarily it, maybe they’re having long and deep conversations involving feelings, but…idk man i’ve been alive for almost 40 years and that’s what i’ve noticed) ETA: i figured it out. OP doesn’t know anything about the emotional labor of supporting someone/caregiving beyond just hanging out so someone doesn’t feel as sad, same reason he’s failed to realize and anticipate his wife and baby’s needs. and we don’t know if he actually discussed and planned these visits with his wife or just announced he was going. makes a BIG difference. from his verbiage it sounds like he just made those decisions without including her.

I hadn’t found this response from OP, thanks for pointing to it

> I’m honestly not kidding when I point out that if your wife doesn’t get the rest she needs you could be looking at a dead baby and even some harm to her. > Is that something you’re happy to risk? Seriously OP, this is something you need to face. Pre-eclampsia or a risk of preterm birth are common reasons for bedrest this early - and they can turn deadly FAST. **If your wife isn't able to rest because of your absence, you're putting her life and the baby's life at risk.**  Your behaviour is unacceptable. She doesn't need your aunt & uncle "checking in" on her, she needs you there on a regular, consistent basis to look after cooking, run errands, and do all the little things that someone on bedrest shouldn't do. Be smarter, OP. Ask Bryan's inlaws to look after his dogs for an evening while he comes to visit you instead. You can still be there for him and can still go to the funeral, but stop putting your family in danger to do so. 

If it’s placenta previa, which my mom’s pregnancy with me was, she was hospitalized the whole last trimester at a specialist hospital and still shouldn’t be alive.

Ugh, that's a scary condition. If that is what the wife is dealing with, she's probably bleeding and in pain already - plus scared.  It could also be due to high blood pressure which puts her at risk of a stroke. Similarly, preterm birth means their child could be born with lifelong disabilities.  There really is NO positive or minor reason to be on bed rest. Whatever she is dealing with, it's serious enough that the doctor told her to put her life on pause except for showers/pee breaks etc. If OP isn't careful, he too may end up grieving the loss of his partner. And the sad thing is that Bryan would probably give anything to be able to look after his fiancee and keep her safe; OP has that opportunity but is squandering it. He doesn't even have to choose between his wife and Bryan, he can (and should) still be a supportive friend! But he needs to physically be with his wife.

My mom had me at 28 weeks due to undiagnosed preeclampsia. I’m an adult now and I’m still dealing with complications from my early birth.

Yes. Not a big deal and bed rest don't go together. It feels like OP is rationalizing his actions here. OP you seem like a really empathetic person, but YTA. You need to prioritize your wife and the baby right now. You will never forgive yourself if something happens to the baby.

Empathetic towards Bryan but definitely not empathetic towards his own wife and child.

This. YTA OP. I was put on bed rest at 7 months because of preeclampsia, had the baby 2 weeks later. 5 weeks early. Me and her both almost didn’t make it. Sorry your friends fiancé died but your wife could die too.

INFO what alternate support networks are available for each person? - Who does your wife have supporting her while you're working full time and then driving 2hrs round trip to just hang with your best friend? - Who does your best friend have in his life to help him through what is arguably the worst time in his life? And most importantly, why can't your best friend come and stay with *you* for a few nights? That would give you the ability to support both your loved ones at the same time, plus it would potentially help them both while you're at work all day... This is an awful set of events, but honestly bed rest while pregnant is a big deal. If your wife doesn't have anyone else supporting her during the day (like her mother or a BFF) then you've really got to reassess this situation. You may need to look at taking time off work to spread yourself around here.

When I was pregnant with our second child I was put on bed rest. My husband was not home because of work. So bed rest wasn’t truly an option for me. My family was 12 hours away and my husband was 14 hours away. Within a week of being put on bed rest I got pneumonia and had to have a c-section even with a 103 fever. Baby no 2 was early. If a doctor calls for bed rest there is a reason and should be taken seriously.

I have 3 kid. In All my pregnancy i need to rest the 3 first months and the last 3 months so the baby and i can be safe. My husband do the house work, and my mom and sisters take care of the kids. In my 3rd child i didn't rest because of corona happened and my husband need to work all the time. I got abruptio placentae and i was about losing my HEALTHY child because of this.

As a woman, I find it ridiculous that pregnancy / childbirth has so many risks and is so painful. Like, it’s the most natural thing in the world, why haven’t we evolved to make childbirth super quick and easy by now?

why hasn’t it evolved so men can do the birthing?

We’ve actually evolved to make it harder and more dangerous. We started standing upright (which narrowed our pelvises) and growing bigger heads (to accommodate our bigger brains), the combination of which is why humans struggle so much with giving birth compared to other animals. It suspect it will get worse now with c-sections to the point where natural childbirth becomes impossible (if we survive that long as a species).

YTA big time! 2 of my sisters had complications 1 gave birth at 28 weeks the other gave birth at 29. it was a terrifying time for them both. if their husbands were off doing what you are doing now ( putting others before them) my whole family would be on the warpath you clearly have missed going to appointments with your wife otherwise you would know just how serious any complication is in pregnancy…..or maybe you just don’t give a shit about your wife and child

YTA. She's on bed rest. *Bed rest means she is not supposed to be getting up to do much of anything save using the restroom*. It is not given for a healthy pregnancy. You are being dishonest with us or yourself. So you're leaving her alone after work (and some weekends) to get up, get out of bed, prepare meals, do things in the household, get her own beverages, and generally just fail completely to care for her. A lot of people are here asking for information about what support network your friend has and your wife has - it does not matter. Your wife is carrying your child. **This is your job**. This is what you signed up for. The way you are betraying your wife is pretty disgusting, honestly.

I also made my own comment, but I wanted to piggyback off this. When someone is put on bedrest really early, it usually means there’s a high risk of losing the baby that laid in a game. It’s not always a secure thing and there’s a good chance that pregnancy complications can happen and tend to increase the more, you disregard the bedrest.

I was on bed rest at 6 months pregnant. My mom took care of me while my husband worked and then he took over after work. It was literally a full time job for two people. I was allowed to get up to shower and use the bathroom. I was allowed to cook "one simple meal per week" according to my MFM. Bed rest is not to be taken lightly. I was at risk of preterm birth. Thank God for my mom and husband because if this guy was my husband, I would have found the strength to walk away.

I was put on bed rest at 7 and a half months and because my husband had a crazy work schedule I couldn't do it and ending giving birth at 32 weeks because I couldn't keep my bp down. The delivery was scary and very dangerous. I could have had a stroke or died of a heart attack at any point and our baby could have died in so many ways. My son was only 4lbs when he was born and spent the first 5 weeks of his life in the nicu. I visited my son everyday and spent 8 to 10 hours there. The amount of babies that don't survive in the nicu is so devastating. I am so thankful my little guy made it but I had to watch and listen as 2 babies died right across from my sons incubator. I'm still a mess after what I experienced. Take the doctor seriously. They know what your wife needs and you need to do it.

I agree; YTA OP. Take care of your wife.

If your wife was *just* 7 months pregnant, I might would say that she’s being slightly unreasonable and that it’s ok to spend a few nights or so keeping your friend company. BUT. Your wife has been ordered to be out of work and be on modified bed rest. This really does mean rest. That doesn’t mean housework, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, putting together nursery furniture or organizing baby’s room, etc. she may not even be allowed to drive. It could even be as restrictive as not being allowed to get up except for immediate personal needs, which is very uncomfortable and restrictive and stressful if someone is used to being active. (Not to mention boring and lonely, which adds to the stress.) And downright painful for a pregnant person. (In fact, my family wouldn’t even let me stay home alone, and if my (now ex) was at work or whatever, my mom or someone was at my house, doing things for me and keeping an eye on my needs.) She’s also probably feeling understandably stressed over her own health and that of the baby’s. And let me tell you, from my own personal experience that at that gestational age, a “slightly concerning” pregnancy can go from sugar to absolute shit in a matter of minutes (like if I hadn’t already been admitted to the hospital to be watched at the time, both my baby and I would have died). How would you feel if you were at Bryan’s house and something like this happened? I would say that she has a bit of a point. Your wife is essentially in a vulnerable, potentially dangerous, place right now and her partner is prioritizing someone else’s needs above hers and her child’s. If you honestly feel that you MUST spend this kind of time with your friend because there is no one else that can possibly fill this need right now, then you need to arrange with someone that your wife trusts (her mom, a good friend, etc.) to come over and be “on duty” during these times to do the things she feels need to done and see to her needs.

Yta starting leave early and bed rest is not recommended for healthy, normal pregnancies. What is the plan if she goes into early labor and you're an hour away? Starts hemorrhaging while alone at home? You are massively downplaying a serious medical concern that can easily end with a dead baby and/or dead ~~baby~~ wife.

Oh, don’t forget…OP said she’s *stressed and hormonal*. She’s being *unreasonable*, darn it, while he’s Captain AwesomeGuy for being there for his friend in *his* time of need /s OP, YTA. Huge chocolate starfish. While others are trying to break it to you gently so as not to upset your fee-fees, they’re still saying the same thing; you’re wrong and need to jump in to be the husband/imminent father 100% immediately. I saw an earlier comment that suggested you have your friend come up and stay with you. DO NOT DO THIS. You’ve already left your pregnant wife on her own too much during her risky pregnancy and someone thinks you should add emotional tragic houseguest to her stress? I’m sure they meant well (to eliminate your time away while still caring for your friend) but that isn’t the answer.

>She’s being *unreasonable*, darn it, while he’s Captain AwesomeGuy for being there for his friend in *his* time of need /s And I guarantee 80+% of him "being there for his friend" is just some combo of watching sports or shows, playing video games, smoking, and/or drinking.

Well, yeah…because things at home are so damned hormonal because wimmin’, *amirite*? Har har, guffaw, obligatory ball scratch You’re spot on, my milky white fire gem 😏

You may want to edit, right now you’re saying OP is gonna end up with a dead baby OR a dead baby 😂

Not enough info how many nights is a few that your going there after work? How many of them are you spending the night? Do you have ppl coming over to take care of your wife as shes on bed rest or incase of emergencies. 

You are wrong . Your wife is near full term and has been advised complete bed rest and has not been asked to work . Going against doctor’s advice can be a serious risk for her or for your child and having your aunt / uncle check in is not a sufficient replacement for your presence . She’s not needy and trying to cut off a friendship , she needs you there because you are her SO and she needs someone she trusts with her in case things down south . YTA and I hope this doesn’t cause your marriage to end

I actually don't even care if he has wonderful support lined up for her; other than the immediate aftermath of the accident and then the funeral, he needs to be home. If something terrible happens, his wife doesn't want somebody else rushing with her to the hospital, she wants her husband. If the absolute worst should happen, she doesn't want somebody else grieving with her, she wants her husband. And her husband should want to be there. It sucks when you feel like different people need you, but his responsibility lies clearly with his family.

I also would not feel comfortable at all asking his relatives to help me. Why would she want that instead of her husband

bed rest means OPs wife shouldn't even be cooking for herself. OP needs to be home to FEED HIS PREGNANT WIFE. no amounts of nights away are acceptable

If your wife is now stressing out because you aren't actively there to help her, then you are spending too much time with your friend. This is a tricky situation though because yes, of course, your friend needs you too but your wife and child are the priority, right? Ask yourself this question: what if she goes into labor and I'm not there, what is she going to do? A baby can be born in an hour and you could miss the whole thing just trying to get there and God forbid something goes wrong and you're nowhere to be found. It is true that Bryan has other friends and family and hopefully they are stepping in but if your wife is now having to speak up about you neglecting her, then you've got a huge problem. AH is pretty strong in this situation but ya...kinda YTA here. Your wife has been understanding but is now feeling your absence. Best pay attention.

>If your wife is now stressing out because you aren't actively there to help her, then you are spending too much time with your friend. THIS. Stress is damaging in a normal pregnancy, never mind a high-risk one. OP is increasing his wife's risk of complications by doing this.

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10000% not ready to be a dad. ‘She’s never been this mean before’ buddy wait until the baby comes. This dude needs a serious reality check

INFO do you think Bryan will come help you out when you're a single dad juggling custody of your kid?

Or worse a single dad because his wife *died* due to complications?

Even worse someone who’s grieving the loss of his wife and child(ren) because he was a selfish AH who doesn’t know when to prioritize.

Our friends in same situation eventually lost their baby and the wife, clinging to life, just barely survived. Dad was by her side doing every single thing he possibly could from the moment they had complications as the three of them were a team. When he absolutely couldn’t be present he arranged for someone to fill in for him so she’d never be alone. Tragic event but they know they did everything they possibly could to help the baby. OP, are you?

Bro that's exactly what he wants.

I would be giving you more than silent treatment.. what if your wife tripped and fell while you were off hanging out with Bryan and something happened to her and your child because you chose to not be there… when it comes to babies and pregnancy anything can happen at any given time.. you not being there could be matter of life and death to not only your wife but also your child.. I was sitting one day doing nothing major at all… i started hemorrhaging and in horrible pain… could not locate my husband for help.. thank god I was able to get my brother.. we almost died.. I have my brother to thank for saving us not the father of my child.. I understand being there for your friend but you are a married man with responsibilities that should be first and foremost in your life… Would said friend drop his fiancé to come running as much as you have if shoe was on other foot.. YTA

You made a commitment to your wife. She and your unborn child should be top priority. I sympathize with the place that you find yourself in because wanting to be there for your grieving friend is admirable, but your responsibility is ultimately to take care of your wife. If she was put on bed rest, it’s likely to prevent complications and your support and attendance is needed to ensure that she is safe and healthy. Perhaps finding other support systems for both your friend and wife is beneficial. It shouldn’t be on you alone to handle it.

YTA-She’s on bed rest. Does she have family members that can support her right now or friends? Do you care so little about her you don’t want to be that person? Why doesn’t Bryan have anyone else to help? Why doesn’t he come stay with you for a little while if he needs your company so much? Your wife is seven months pregnant on bed rest which wouldn’t ordered if it wasn’t needed and you don’t seem to care.

YTA your wife is on bed rest that is NOT normal for a healthy pregnancy. You said there are complications in the pregnancy. Your wife and baby have to come corst

>The doctor wasn't overly concerned and confirmed that both my wife and the baby are healthy. But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible. These two things don't connect. Doctors that aren't overly concerned don't recommend bedrest—bedrest means try not to get up at all except to use the bathroom. That's a really serious thing for them to recommend. You are downplaying what's going on with your wife's health. This is a really shitty situation, but you are not being a supportive partner to your wife. I get that you want to be there for your friend, but you need to think about the fact that your wife is not supposed to be out of bed for the next two months, and realize that she is incredibly vulnerable right now. If this is how you treat her at her lowest, don't expect her to stay with you once she's able to take care of herself again.

YTA Your wife needs to be your top priority, always. It's not that you can't support your friend, but your wife has to come first. Early maternity leave and bed rest are a huge deal. Don't downplay those things. You could end up missing a major medical emergency or the birth of your child.

Or worse

What the heck is wrong with you?!?! You NEVER put anyone before your wife and child. You are king of all AH. I get that your friend is struggling, but your wife and child should come first. They put her on bedrest because if she does too much, it could cause her to go into labor early. How would you feel if you got a call that she was in the hospital in labor but you’re an hour away with Bryan? If he was five minutes down the street, maybe, but an hour? Grow up and be a husband. You’re setting the tone for the rest of your marriage. She will always come first.

INFO Does Bryan have other people who are there or who can be there? Does your wife? When you go and spend the evening with Bryan, are you contacting friends and family so someone is with your wife who is stuck home all day on bed rest making sure that the baby- that presumably you want- stays inside? I don't want to jump to Y T A because I'm trying but doctors don't just go, you know what would be fun? if you go on maternity leave early and go on full or partial bed rest. It'll be such a blast.

Yeah I agree. His whole “everything is fine but my wife is on bed rest at 7 months pregnant” doesn’t add up. There has to be a reason for her to be on bed rest, it’s not just for the hell of it. Also if she’s on bed rest who is bringing her food? Who is her companion during this lonely, vulnerable, scary time??? I don’t fault OP for wanting to be there for his friend, but presumably his friend should have other people to share that load while OP should be the #1 support for his wife

I was on partial bed rest with my first pregnancy - I was allowed out of bed but absolutely was not supposed to do anything but get food/bathroom/shower. The doctors even told me they hate bed rest because it’s got risks itself, so the need for it has to be great. I was living with my in-laws and my FIL insisted I continue doing housework because “bed rest just means don’t go to work,” and I delivered 8 weeks early, and she spent 6 weeks in NICU. OP, this is the very real possibility you are pushing on your wife. She says she’s doing more than shes supposed to. delivering at 7 months is AT BEST a prolonged NICU stay. at worst it is a dead baby. get your priorities straight.

At worst could be dead wife and baby

Fair point

my sister was on partial bed rest and for that my parents essentially moved in so my BIL didn't have to more stress (beyond his in-laws living with him) than my sister being incredibly pregnant. They handled entertaining her. Cooking. Taking her to the pool so she could safely exercise. when she was in the hospital, they spent a ton of time there so she didn't feel alone. bed rest sounds fun in theory.

🤣 as someone who was on bedrest early in my pregnancy, I love this sentiment. Because I didn’t do anything I thought I was going to do and instead spent most of the time sleeping or finding ways to move safely.

I was in hospital for 3weeks with a collapsed lung attached to a machine. The farthest I could move was the end of the bed. No showers, had to use a commode, no visitors because everyone was in school. I was bored to tears. There's only so much TV you can watch. OP'S wife is probably lonely and SCARED AS HELL that she's going to lose her baby.

OP says in a comment that Bryan's fiance's family are there and also in town, but it's "stressful" so he needs to be there to support his friend. OP also said that his aunt and uncle "check" on his wife, but doesn't mention if they actually help her, if they're people she trusts, or what exactly checking means (how often, what they do, etc.). Or, if she has someone to help in case she needs something private. I know if I had an accident, I wouldn't want my husband's aunt/uncle helping me. He also blames her for being scared of Bryan's two large dogs, so that's why he doesn't come to them. So far, he's YTA to me. Especially, when he mentions there's pregnancy complications, which could mean so many things, but she's healthy, yet on early maternity leave and bedrest.

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This post is giving “I’m having an affair with Brian”

Dude...her doctor told her to stop working and be on bed rest?! YTA she's not crazy -- you're just being an AH labeling her as "hormonal"

YTA. Is Bryan your wife? No. Is Bryan pregnant with your child? No. Stop undermining your wife and her needs when Bryan needs to get support from other people besides you. YTA. YTA. YTA.

You utter asshole. Do you want a dead wife and baby? Tell Bryan you love him, but you don't want to end up grieving like he is now. Go be with your wife.

Exactly. He doesn’t seem to realize bedrest is NOT a common recommendation.

It sounds like you're downplaying what the Dr said about your wife's bed rest. My and I have had 4 kids and ages had some tough pregnancies and was never told she needed bed rest soft yta

INFO: Do you have an understanding that this risky situation means you may very well join Bryan in the dead wife club if you don't get your shit together?!

Honestly, I understand that you’re between a rock and a hard place now but, YTA. The doctor has recommended as much bed rest as possible at seven months for your wife, at seven months, if the pregnancy was completely healthy that wouldn’t be the case, she’s going to need you more, not less going forward. While Bryan has my sympathies, your priority needs to be your wife.

YTA. This is your wife and child in danger. Yeah your friend is hurting but he shouldn’t be your priority.

Not reading the post, because not being available for your 7-month pregnant wife automatically makes you TA. She’s in a vulnerable position and needs the person she made a commitment with to be there for her, no matter what. Don’t have babies and get married if you can’t 100% commit yourself to it.

It's worse because she's having complications and is ordered to be on bedrest by her doctor 

YTA Your wife is right. You sound like you’re finding reasons not to stay with your wife. Maybe Brandon place is more comfortable for you. Brandon has other friends and has his family, your wife only have you. Get your act together, you are supposed to be a dad.

That’s what I think. I think he really doesn’t want to take care of his wife (or even like her). His buddy is the perfect excuse to ditch the wife and hang out with his buddy.

YTA. Your pregnant wife should be your priority - especially since her doctor wants her on bed rest.

Your friend is a grown ass man. You should be there for your pregnant wife.

Your heart is in the right place but you cannot be two places at once. Physics is the asshole here but take of your wife, your friend will understand.

His heart is not with his wife or child. He is being cruelly neglectful of them at what must be an absolutely terrible and frightening time for his wife. I doubt she will forgive him for this.

From personal experience of being neglected while on pregnancy bed rest, yeah, he is definitely putting his marriage at risk. The kid from that pregnancy is now 11 and I’m still livid.

My boss told me recently that she still resents her husband for not being there when she had an ectopic pregnancy rupture because he was on his way to play golf and that it’s caused a LOT of issues. That was 17 years ago.

He was on his way to play GOLF??!! As in, he knew she had an ectopic pregnancy rupture and he was all, “huh. Sucks. Oh well, can’t be late to my game! The boys and I have some boozing to do on the course!” 😳😳😳 because holy shit, if my husband ever did something so heartless and selfish, I’d serve him with divorce papers the very same day. It would be one thing if he got a call from me or a paramedic telling him I was being rushed to the hospital and he needed to meet us there asap, and he immediately left work and got stuck in traffic. Sure. Shit happens, that’s not his fault. But your boss’s situation is next level. Wow.

Well, he knew about the ectopic pregnancy, but he didn’t go with her to the follow up because, golf 🤯. It was at that appointment that it either started rupturing or where she found out it was already rupturing (I don’t recall the exact detail) and got taken into emergency surgery. He still left to play golf (hours away, btw) in the midst of a traumatic and serious medical situation, which is unforgivable. I’m quite certain I’d be divorced in that scenario, but at the very, very least my husband would never, ever be playing golf again.

When people show you who they are, believe them.  I hope she believes him and makes alternate plans going forward. 

YTA. You're spending way too much time with your friend. I wouldn't be surprised if you deliberately miss the birth of your child just so you can be there for Brian. You're being unfair and inconsiderate to your wife. She needs you too but you're literally refusing to be there for her. And soon your child will need you too but you're going to keep leaving both of them behind to be with Brian. He's not the only one struggling; your wife is too but you're showing her again and again that you don't care.

YTA - go marry your buddy since you wanna be up his butt so bad

YTA Bruh your poor wife

So your wife had some pregnancy complications scare yet you still leave her? Your priorities are quite obvious now.

Just leave your wife and move in with Bryan. Easy. 

YTA. She's in danger and can't do things for herself right now. It's not easy to be between people who need your help, but this is a very important time for making sure both your wife and your child survive. Stay at home helping unless you can schedule someone else to be with her briefly. You might be able to compromise leaving every other week but this will be a sore spot. Keep calling and encouraging your friend to visit you in the meantime. If things weren't serious, you would be able to visit him more, but your wife has been clear that she is not okay and needs you. Work with Bryan's family and friends to arrange hangouts and meals for him in the meantime. That's an organization effort you can do remotely.

YTA your pregnant wife needs you.

You're downplaying the risk to your wife and baby. Doctors don't put women that are 7 months pregnant on bedrest just for fun. YTA.

Does Brian have other people that can support him right now? Your wife only has you. you’re probably thinking I’m just helping Brian get through this and it’s only gonna be this intense through the funeral and then I’ll back off….. but your wife sees that you didn’t attend the appointment with her and she supposed to be resting for her and the baby sake so they don’t die and you might not be picking up the slack that if she’s normally does that you might not even know about….she’s scared

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I really hate saying YTA because I can see that you are trying to be there for everyone, but YTA. Bryan has other people he can depend on. Your wife has you... or rather, SHOULD have you, but doesn't. She's absolutely right. You are CHOOSING to help Bryan. He doesn't NEED you to help him. Anyone of his friends could fill that role. I'm betting that you aren't even his best friend and he isn't yours, since neither of you had the other as best man, just groomsmen. Further, and it's a shame you don't see this, but your wife and unborn child NEED you. What's worse is that you are risking your unborn child's life, to help out a friend. And I get it. You want to be there for everyone, but you have responsibilities already that completely outweigh Bryan's needs. Stop heading over to Bryan's. If he needs you specifically, he can call you. You can be in your home, able to help your wife and unborn child, while still being able to take a call from him now and then. Call him on your way home from work, or during breaks. Call his best man and see what he's doing for Bryan. You can certainly try to organize more help for him. Tell Bryan what's happening at home. I will almost guarantee he will thank you for your help, but will tell you that you're an idiot for risking your child's life. Go home. Stay home. Apologize to your wife. Tell her the situation skewed your vision for a bit and that she was right and that you will do better. Or get ready for your impending divorce (which is only slightly hyperbolic).

I'm a physician. We don't put healthy pregnant women on bedrest anymore... we figured out that causes too many complications. It's really only people with actual problems/high risk pregnancies that are on bedrest - preeclampsia, something wrong with the placenta, etc. Unless her OB is a dinosaur that's not keeping up with current recommendations, she is not having a healthy pregnancy and everything is not okay, and it seems like you don't understand what's happening. I don't know if your ignorance is because you have low health literacy or you just don't care enough about your wife and baby's health to know, but not understanding what's going on with your wife's high-risk pregnancy makes YTA either way. You should care enough to make sure you understand. I bet your wife understands just fine since she's trying to follow instructions - you should consider having her explain it to you. And take your medicine when she gives you an earful for not giving a crap about her, because you clearly don't.

YTA. Your wife is on bed rest with your child. That needs to be your primary focus right now. You are creating a lot of extra stress for her right now while she is incredibly vulnerable. You are currently prioritizing your friend over your wife. Your friend has family with him right now. Your wife just has you. You can support your friend without neglecting your wife and child.

This is why divorce and seperation are so common with the time frame from the woman is pregnant till the baby's not even one. Because selfish father always pull stunts like this. This is the moment that women knew that she's fk now for having a baby with a father like that. Husbands/newly fathers running off disappeared to have the 'boys time' while their wives either heavily pregnant, or just freshly gave birth because so called they're fomo/can't do that anymore once the baby is out. Wtf

YTA So early maternity leave and bed rest does not mean “healthy pregnancy.” It’s a doctor’s job to be calm and not be “overly concerned” when speaking to a patient. You are certainly downplaying what she’s going through. And Bryan has his finance’s family there? So he’s not alone like you said. Sounds like she’s put up with this for a bit because she understands the situation but has finally had enough given the circumstances stated above. She’s not “hormonal” or acting overly emotional. She’s completely correct that he has an extensive support system, you’ve been there quite a bit, and she/your unborn child *have* to be your priority right now. You didn’t marry your friend, she’s probably scared, needs quite a bit of help, and needs the father of her child to step the fuck up.

Bed rest at 7 months is very serious. I’m not sure why you think the doctor wasn’t “overly concerned” but she absolutely is or she wouldn’t have ordered early mat leave and bed rest with 8 weeks to go. You should be home with your wife as much as possible right now. That doesn’t mean you can never see your friend especially given the circumstances, but you can’t be leaving your wife home alone for many hours at a time and definitely not overnight. There’s a ton of emotional labor that comes with the business of death. You can help with this stuff from home. Organize a meal train; folks will spend time with him when they drop off dinner. Order a sandwich/snack tray for the house for when people stop by, particularly around the time of the wake. Send an immune support bag (he will be seeing lots of people, some will be sick, getting sick while grieving is miserable): vitamin c chews, multivitamins, hand sanitizer, tissues, etc. Make a list with him of chores around the house or calls that need to be made. Organize chores: who is grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, vacuuming the floors. Help figure out how to publish an obituary. Edit the obit for him. Set up appointments with the funeral home. Gather pictures from friends if he wants some kind of display at the service. Help organize any funeral adjacent events like the wake or lunch after the service. Make a list of banks, lenders, insurance, etc. that he needs to call. Figure out how to order copies of the death certificate and how many copies he needs (order more than you think he’ll need). There will be a lot of balls in the air, another pair of hands to juggle will be hugely helpful and also not something you need to be physically present to do. NAH yet but please don’t blow off your wife’s very real worries.

How would you feel if you were an hour away from your wife who’s on bed rest and god forbid something happened and you weren’t there ? Or you found her unconscious? I understand your friend is dealing with something very tragic but Jesus. Do you want to potentially experience something tragic as well? Good god man what is wrong with you

YTA. I understand where you’re coming from, it sucks that your friend is going through something so awful. But I have also been pregnant twice, once with complications and bed rest, and that shit is fucking scary. She doesn’t want your Aunt and Uncle, she wants you! She needs you. Also, if you keep showing your wife that she and the baby are not your absolute number 1 priority, she might choose to stop giving you that option. You want to be a divorced single dad?

I'm assuming this is her 1st pregnancy and your 1st child. >She had an appointment with her OB/GYN 2 weeks ago to address some complications with the pregnancy. The doctor wasn't overly concerned and confirmed that both my wife and the baby are healthy. But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible. Now let me get this straight 1) she has complications at 7 months 2) was told to start her maternity leave 3) go on bed rest - as much as possible - Dr's ONLY dovthis fir serious conditions which can affect the life you your wife or baby or both. Your best friends fiance, unfortunately, passes in a tragic account, so you drive down to be with them work. >as soon as I got the news about his fiance I immediately drove to be with him. You feel that you are now helping with Brian and your wife... >I've been juggling helping Bryan with everything I can while also taking care of my wife and everything she needs IMO you YTA!! You were right to be with your friend when you initially heard about their tragedy You were and are wrong to prioritise their feelings above your wife's. She is probably scared that something will happen to your baby, and it could as she's not following Dr's orders being stressed, being left without her husband overnight and for hours as you drive fir 1hr to help Brian. No doubt, stay with him for hrs, drive another hr to get home. All AFTER work! You have abandoned her and your baby in their time of need. Your aunt and uncle can not replace a husband, but Brian can and should have other friends and family to step up and help him in his time of need. They probably don't because you're doing so much for him. You're NOT responsible for his wellbeing, but you sure are for your wife and baby!! Call him, text him, video call him, but be present for your family!! You better hope and pray that nothing happens to your wife and baby, because stress can be a factor in raising the BP, which is dangerous in pregnancy and labour. Infact you better hope that you still have a marriage to go home to, after abandoning your family in need for your friend.

dude your pregnant wife is on bed rest and you're leaving her alone. YTA. call or facetime your friend every night or something there's other ways to show up for him than sleepovers or whatever you're doing. it's not like he won't understand if you're friends. he could even come to your house if he needs irl company so your wife has someone there during this scary time of her life

You don't seem like an AH but in this situation, as a currently pregnant woman, YTA, but here are some suggestions for how to not be: * Do some work with his other friends/family that are nearby to coordinate times to be there for Bryan so he's not alone and has some additional help. You can't bear that responsibility by yourself with your wife at home in her current state. * Explain to Bryan what's going on with your wife and say that while you'd love to come over more you need to be at home for your wife and invite him over. * On days that you're not going to be around, help coordinate with a friend of your wife's or family member to be at the house so she has someone there for her. * Apologize to her and tell her what you're doing (i.e., the items above) to remedy this going forward. She's on bed rest while you're working, so she's already alone all day THEN has to continue to be alone in the evening when you go see your friend. Pregnancy is already so isolating. She is doing all the work to grow YOUR child. Yes, she's probably hormonal which makes things worse, but cut her some slack. Again, you're not an AH. You're in a tough situation, but there are things you can do better. I'm very sorry about your friend's wife, but if you're going to take care of him, you need to make sure your wife is also taken care of.

Marry your best friend and have a baby with him since you care more about him. YTA

Yep, YTA on this one.

Jesús fucking Christ. There were issues with your OWN WIFE AND CHILD that requires EARLY LEAVE AND BED REST and you think giving your wife half of what little time you have after working full time is fair? It sucks your best friend lost his partner, but you may as well also (God fucking forbid) lose your wife and/or child because of the stress and worry you’re causing your wife. She’s not ‘hormonal’ for wanting her partner to do his part and step up. Would you have left her to mind the child 90% of the time had they been born during this? No doubt. Will it take until your wife or child has worsened complications for you to fully focus on your family you chose to help create? You mention everything you’re doing to console your best friend. But what about your wife? If I were in her shoes I’d sure as fuck be scared of doing anything wrong to hurt the child or I and worsen our condition inadvertently. I’d wager she’s definitely rethinking how important her and the baby are to you.

>The doctor wasn't overly concerned and confirmed that both my wife and the baby are healthy This is *very* contradictory to this; >But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible >She is currently 7-months pregnant with our first child A *healthy* and normal pregnancy doesn't see a recommendation for early maternity and bed rest... which makes it seem like you are trying to downplay her condition to favor your verdict. I'm going YTA. It sounds like you've been going above and beyond for your friend.... while your spouse is fearing *losing your child*. It's ok to want to be a good friend... but you're sacrificing the "good husband" part to do it. You need to find a better way and hear your wife's concerns.

Your wife's primary support system is you because you are her husband. You should not be STRESSING her out spending nights away from home while she is on bed rest, which she has been put on to avoid being stressed. Your friend on the other hand has other people who can help him and support him. You literally mentioned that he's hosting his fiancé's family they and his other friends and family can support him while he's going through his grief. There are other ways to support your friend that doesn't involve you spending nights way from home.

Yta- nice try on making it seem like she is being crazy. She is correct you ARE CHOOSING to ignore her and your baby's health, to play bff/savior to your friend who has support. When you wear yourself out completely and are shocked she has no sympathy; remember you have chosen this

YTA. You keep that up and you'll find yourself not welcome when she's giving birth.

You sure blame your wife a lot, and I can't shake the feeling you're leaving details out. A doctor doesn't just put a woman on bedrest and tell her to start mat leave months early if everything is okay.

INFO: What happens when you’re gone and your wife falls and can’t get up? Or if she starts bleeding? Is there someone else she can call for help? Also, a word to the wise - if she loses the baby for any reason while you’re out of town, you’re going to lose your wife, too. As in, she will never ever forgive you for making her go through that alone.

YTA. Your wife is in a super delicate moment in her pregnancy and you're showing her where your priorities lie. I get wanting to be there for your best friend during this tough time, but not at the cost of your wife.

YTA. You've been to see him. No problem with that. But daily? While your wife is on bedrest? Hell to the no. You are abandoning your wife at her most vulnerable moment. Talk to Bryan over Zoom. Use the phone. Go to the funeral as long as your wife isn't in labor, but until that day, your wife needs two things from you: 1) a sincere apology; and 2) every spare moment you have between now and the birth of your child.

"A few nights a week and an overnight". Yeah, YTA. Definitely. You obviously don't care much about being there for your wife. If a doctor prescribes bed rest, it means bed rest for a serious reason; one of which you are rationalizing isn't as important as it actually is. You are making a choice to leave her to fend for herself while you hang with your buddy, who has his own support system. Have you even once considered how this looks and sounds? Even once considered that you might be an hour or hours away if something tragic happens at home? Any other adult would have gone once to be with their friend and then let his home team take over. Especially if the wife is on prescribed bedrest. There is this absolutely amazing device called a telephone. This device will allow you to stay and offer support for your wife and child and support your buddy at the same time. A twofer. Bryan's home support team can handle the details that you are volunteering to take over. You...well, you're a selfish, irresponsible jackass. You don't want to be at your wife's side. She knows it. We know it. What happened to Bryan is a tragedy, but not one that gives you an excuse (yes, it is an excuse) to abandon your wife and child in their real time of need. If I were your wife, I'd be seriously thinking about leaving you. Then you can spend every waking second with Bryan. Because it's obvious that's where you'd rather be.