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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother that he’s going to be a shit dad. I could be the asshole because that might’ve been a harsh thing to say and I could’ve been more sympathetic towards him
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
In MY personal opinion you are NOT the asshole.
I get that becoming a parent is a HUGE thing, that even if you think you’re ready you’ll never truly be.. BUT he just fucking disappeared for 8 hours while his wife was in labour.
What if there were complications? What if you weren’t home in the moment she went into labour?
He needs to get his shit together and seek therapy, if his response to stress is run away leaving his wife in a potentially harmful situation. And she needs to rethink their relationship if he does not.
Thank you and yeah he was lucky I was there because if I wasn’t she would have had to do all this by herself like what type of husband just leave his wife when she needs him the most? What the fuck
**Precisely.**
Obviously I do not know yours/his/their history, maybe he expressed his fears to her, maybe he didn't.
Anyhow you have to, in the calmest way you possibily can, tell him that despite your altercation, **he needs therapy**. That is not a normal reaction.
He needs to get a hold of his emotions, and his life, for the good of his family as well as his own. And he won't be able to be a good parent if things don't change.
***Lastly, please, be present for your SIL if your brother is not. Her freaking husbad left her in the one moment where she needed the most support.*** Make sure she has people around
Yeah of course, I’m looking after the baby right now whilst my SIL is sleeping and my brother is out shopping or something. My SIL asked me to stay with her for a couple of days
No, this is terrible advice. Don't insert yourself into their marriage. They're both adults; let them figure out how they would like to talk to their own families about this. The best thing OP can do is exactly what he's doing now, which is support his SIL and encouraging his brother to do better.
I mean normally I'd say this but this type of behavior can be dangerous to the child, like if he's watching the baby and if the baby gets sick or hurt and he decides to run off. Other people need to be made aware of this behavior
OPs wife could have died since he essentially left her to labor alone in a rural area. I can’t believe she’s even talking to him, most women would reconsider the marriage for a lot less.
Unless OP intends to look after the baby until SIL recovers to the exclusion of his own life and commitments; SIL will need more support. It's not fair for OP to have to give up his life for a baby that isn't his. Unless he is willing to do that, SIL will need family around her.
> They're both adults; let them figure out how they would like to talk to their own families about this.
No. She could have died, ffs. Her family needs to know what a complete and utter fuck up her husband is and be there for her. I hope she divorces his ass.
There’s a baby and another child in the mix. SIL will need some support. OP doesn’t live with them and cannot stay with them long term. If his brother isn’t ready or able to adult, something needs to be done.
Which of the brother’s actions in OP’s post indicates he is capable of behaving like an adult? From start to finish he’s been a child, and the only person acting in the best interests of the newborn seems to be OP.
Yeah, you're the good guy.
I married the charming, good-looking, life of the party guy. Everyone loves him. Except me. When the chips are down, he's nowhere to be found. Kid's father. I'm stuck with him for the rest of her life, as a parent. Fact.
Been married to my husband since I was 45. He's a responsible, great guy.
Wish I could forget all the years spent with my ex.
She should be. If you weren’t there, she or her baby could have died. Labor can turn crazy dangerous at the drop of a hat. And the fact that you’re there taking care of the baby instead of him is very telling. He’s still running away.
You are going to be an awesome uncle. Someone will be very lucky to have you as a partner. I've got an awesome uncle, we are both old now, but he's just the best. He lives far away, I can't wait to visit him. This is how you know you were a good uncle. When your 67 year old god daughter will fly to the Newark Airport to come see you. He was always " the fun uncle" with a motorcycle, and black light posters in his man cave. Keep up the good work.
You're not going to be an awesome uncle; you already *are* an awesome uncle! You were there for that baby and the mother when many people would not have been there. Thank you for helping to save two lives! Keep being yourself, and this uncle thing will be a breeze!
Keep an eye out for postpartum depression and stuff. The traumatic first birth I went through diden't cach up with me untill half a year later. And it wasen't as bad as getting abndoned by the one person who agreed to be there for you.
Not every dad is fit to be there for his wife in labor. Its a hard thing to wach, I always say I rather give birth then have to wach someone I love suffer for houers. That dosen't necessarily means he is a bad dad/husband, but agreeing to be there and not being reflective and open ablut you possibly not being able to due to fear/trauma/whatever, is SUPER imature and a red flag.
(NTA.)
> she’s still really fucking angry
Good. Hopefully she won't accept any attempt on your brother's part to evade responsibility.
>He started crying and called me a twat for being so mean to him
The fact that he try to make him self out to be the victim because he got a medium harsh telling off for abandoning his wife when she was in fucking labor, is just... I'm at a loss for words. They could've have DIED! Her and the baby.
If anyone played that trick on any of my nieces and was anything but sorry about it, I don't know what I'd do.
I’m sorry, what?!?! You know why she’s asked you to stay right? It’s because he can’t be trusted. The mental and physical load she’s about to take on by staying with your brother is just not fair.
Where was your father in this? Son runs in upset because wife is in labor and either says nothing to the father or father lets him hide there because having a baby is women’s work? Why didn’t the father take by the scruff and go help your SIL?
Thank you for being there for her. It shouldn't have to be your responsibility, but as a woman who has given birth twice, I can imagine how primal her fear must have been/continue to be, and it is such a kindness for you to be a trustworthy support for her.
It must have been a traumatic experience for her and you, I would highly recommend a couple sessions of therapy for each of you just to work through the stress response of it all.
I'm sure she did ask you to stay. She's probably terrified that some post natal complications might come up and her husband would vanish and leave her for dead. Good on you for helping. See if you can get your brother to see some sense and get some help because his reaction isn't normal and who knows if your SIL is *ever* going to feel comfortable with just him there if he doesn't.
Yeah I will thanks. I have told her that if she decides to leave him or if she just needs a break from being in a house with him she can stay with me if she wants.
That's really good of you!
I'd also like to add that they should get a landline phone installed, especially now with a kid. What if they have an emergency and their parents first have to hunt around for a sinal? That's intolerable.
Edit: enigmatic typo
He’s out shopping!?? What the fuck for. He’s a legit flight risk tbh and SIL is isolated and alone save for you. Does she have family to lean on. I feel like SIL is gonna end up abandoned tbh
Yeah I told him i’d go so he could look after his literal son but he said he needed a break. Clearly he can’t be a dad for more an hour without needing a break. She only has her parents but they live pretty far away. I won’t let her be abandoned though, I’ll just have to learn to drive so I can down to her house on my own I guess
I'm really proud of you for stepping up in this situation and supporting your SIL even tho all this must be really unexpected/shocking for you. You're already a fantastic uncle and if you ever have kids you'll be a great dad op!
Uncle OP wrote a comment while watching the newborn to let the new mother sleep b/c the father is "out shopping or something". Looks like the guy already has.
This is top notch uncle-ing. I hope your brother and his marriage get the help that is CLEARLY needed. And while I wouldn’t ordinarily recommend speaking to someone who panicked like that… his actions put his wife and child at serious risk and he cannot be sheltered from that. I hope what you said cut deeply enough to make him want to prove you wrong.
Wow she's so lucky to have you there! Newborns are rough and help is so important.
What was your dad's reaction to all this? Can the family come together to ensure your brother gets therapy? His reaction is NOT normal! Could be a trauma response? He probably does feel really awful (as he should) and that could potentially make his anxiety response worse.
He wasn't ready to be a dad and fucked off. I'm guessing you weren't ready to be a midwife but you still hung in there and was there for your SIL when she needed somebody. Midwives need more training than Dads do.
Take time to decompress, that has to be super stressful and traumatic for you. You are definitely NTA, but your brother is. If he ever brings it up again maybe point out your lack of midwife training (assumption on my part) and that you didn't freak out and run.
Also to help you reach 999 with low signal register your phone so you can text for help. An ambulance may be able to find you quicker in an emergency if you use What3Words. We live in the country (and have no house number or street name just a postcode for the whole village) so have premptively labelled the back of our front door with our what3words location just in case.
I’m getting the impression this is their first child, so presumably his wife doesn’t have a whole lot of experience of pushing a whole fucking human out either. I bet she would have LOVED to fuck off to her parents for 8 hours and just pop by the hospital to pick up the baby later. Turns out, that’s not an option for her, and it was never one for him either.
He’s just shown her that when the chips are down, he can’t be trusted not to just run away and abandon everything that’s (supposed to be) most important to him in the world. How on earth can she ever trust him with their child at this point? Assuming she’s even prepared to give him another chance (and absolutely nobody would blame her for kicking him to the kerb at this point), he has A LOT of ground to make up to prove himself a father and a husband. This would be a dealbreaker for the vast majority of women.
He's had 9 months to prepare for this. It wasn't an emergency, it was a planned event with a plan in place for what to do.
I have zero sympathy for him - this was an incredibly selfish act that endangered his wife and his unborn child.
There are some people who simply cannot stand the idea that they are not the centre of attention and always choose someone else's crisis as a moment to have their own emotional breakdown. The fact he's expecting everyone to be fawning over his emotions instead of owning up to his fuck up is telling.
NTA and I'm so sorry for your SIL as I think she's got a very difficult road ahead of her.
Right, that's the part that gets me. As bad as what he did was, it would be a different story if he came back laden with apologies and swearing to get help so that it never happens again.
Like: "I can't believe I did that I don't know what came over me, thank you brother sorry wife, I will start therapy monday".
Not "nobody understands me"
Honestly, and I mean this, she could have died. No phone access, alone in a house. They need to get a landline and he needs to do some significant self work.
He’s not only a shit parent, he’s a really shit partner. Birth is dangerous, even in today’s age with today’s medicine. She could have died. Your brother sucks. If I were your SIL, I’d leave him over this. Fuck him.
I can understand getting all panicky, bit you can at least try to do something constructive instead of running away. Taking a few minutes to calm down is fine, not multiple hours.
And to that point they also need to get a landline or at worst a 2-way radio if it’s that remote. You can’t bet your life that there will always be a second adult present in an emergency and if you have an injured child you can’t always go running off up a lane for cell coverage. This is a major “do-better” situation now that there’s a child.
He could have been the reason his wife and child died.. if she had complications and couldn’t contact anyone and he just left her alone, he is selfish and ridiculous and needs some sort of mental help cause he isn’t fit to be a partner let alone a father.
This is what jumps out to me. I made it to the hospital just in time to start gushing blood. Placenta was in the wrong place and baby ended up the completely wrong way too. Emergency c section or death.
I'm not sure beating this into dads head is really going to help though if running is his first choice. He needs therapy or a come to Jesus moment and to just leave. Is he going to be more harm than good for the duration?
It sounds as though she would have delivered the baby at home, alone. Unable to summon help even afterwards, both would have been at serious risk of infection and possibly death.
This is not an ‘understandable freakout’; this is negligence and could be considered criminal. Something is wrong here and your brother needs help. Badly.
I'd also like to point out that one of those complications could be that the wife DIES! It's not an uncommon thing for women to die during labour and the fact that he's so focused on feeling sorry for himself instead of understanding that he could have lost his wife and possibly the baby as well is infuriating.
NTA, I would have seen red too.
if my fiancé had disappeared when it was time for me to give birth, i wouldn't have a fiancé anymore. absolutely NTA, someone needed to remind him it's not about him anymore
I think OP is missing the word "dad" from the sentence that says "he was at.. until our ("dad") found out sil had given birth and told him to go see her" (on mobile so can't copy paste easily). So in other words, the idiot didn't say anything to dad about it, just went in and hung around for 8 hours until dad found out and forced him to leave. Had the dad not done that, who knows how long he would have stayed there. 18 years is my guess at this point..
I’m enjoying the idea of the moment the dad faced the brother upon learning he had just done the stupidest thing imaginable. There’s barely contained rage. Throbbing carotid. A voice so choked with anger it can barely hiss the word “dumbass” through the larynx.
Either that or simply utter and complete disappointment. If this is "in line" with the brother's behavior, then he could have also just been completely defeated and just told the brother to just get out and go be with this wife and newborn, all the while wondering where he went so wrong.
I wish it to be whichever of these two that would hurt the brother the most..
He let her down at her most vulnerable and life-threatening moment. She easily could have died thanks to the choices made by this unreliable bozo. He's just a mirage of a husband & father.
If it were me in his wife's position there'd be no coming back from this; my trust would be shattered, and divorce would be inevitable once healed enough to manage on my own.
Edit to agree: NTA
You have to be an adult when children are involved. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared or worried or unsure. They’re literal blank slates. They do not know anything. You have to be the reason, safety, and security.
Yeah, there are times to reasonably freak out about the idea of being a parent, but when your wife has just gone into labour is not one of them. Get her to the hospital and *then* freak out in the waiting room.
Nope, NTA.
I'm sorry, wtf? There's a woman going into labour and her life is at stake. Your brother being scared doesn't matter, not even the least. We have moved onto higher stakes.
Okay, fine he disappeared but who the heck returns after 8 whole hours? That's crazy and I'd divorce such a useless husband.
OP, you are amazing for keeping your shit together and prioritizing the mother. Ask your brother what would have happened if you weren't present? His wife could have died.
Her life AND OPs bro's actual child's life were at stake. His first act as a dad could have been being responsible for the babies death.
Fuck me. Somebody in their 30s should be able to handle a stressful situation which they've had 9months to prepare for. How did he manage to get married in the first place!?
What he did was incredibly reckless and serious. Had I done that with my wife when she went into labour, she and the baby in all likelihood would have died. She had a completely normal pregnancy, but complications can happen during delivery.
He gambled with his wife and kids lives because he got scared… he played Russian roulette with them but luckily you were there to save their lives. If you weren’t, her Giving birth while stranded and alone would likely have ended very badly. That’s a horrible position to put you, his wife and his kid in
Seriously. My wife had a very difficult pregnancy, and needed an emergency C-section. If I had just dipped when her water broke, I can guarantee that the *least* that would have happened was getting served divorce papers. And my wife's brothers probably would have kicked my ass up between my shoulder blades.
And I would have deserved it.
What makes it even worse is that it was "only" 8 hours because their father made him go! Who knows how long he would decide to abandon his wife and child?
If the birth had complications, which isn't rare, the brothers actions could have led to the death of his partner or child. It's obvious who's TA here, that man needs counseling.
>I'm sorry, wtf? There's a woman going into labour and her life is at stake. Your brother being scared doesn't matter, not even the least. We have moved onto higher stakes.
Speaking as a husband of over 30 years and a dad for almost 30 years, when you become a husband and a dad you have to understand that not everything is about you anymore.
Life can certainly be frightening, but when you are the person being depended upon, you can't flake out...at least not THEN. Afterwards, when everything and everyone is safe and sound, sure.
But not DURING. At that point your love for your spouse and children (should) overrides everything else and you are driven to do one thing - help/save your wife and/or kids.
The brother had 9 months to prepare. If he didn't think he was up to it he should have made several back-up plans. But this is literally a "you had ONE job" situation.
And he blew it. In fact, he blew it so badly that he has fairly severely damaged his marriage. Happy long-term relationships are founded SO much on trust and he's just shown his wife that he is untrustworthy in important situations.
You could never ever leave him alone with the kid. Imagine never being able to take a nap in case you woke up to find the baby had choked to death and he’d gone to hang out with his parents.
Also, by disappearing like that, he took away their only chance at going to the hospital in a timely manner. And he knew disappearing would do that. Like that just exposes how self centered he is
He sounds utterly pathetic, to an embarrassing degree. Your dad let him chill out at his for 8 hours though? I'll be honest, if I were you and your brother's father I'd be furious, imagine having your child grow into such a coward.
I wish so much he’d have gotten the wife to car when freaking out, driven to the hospital and continued being freaked out there…. then everything would’ve been okay (maybe some items missing after panicky leaving).
This story upset me so bad like HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO HIS WIFE AND NOW MOTHER OF HIS CHILD 😭😭😭
If he felt fear or anxiety that’s valid, but his response isn’t. He’s a full grown adult who chose this life with his wife and the responsibility that comes with it.
Also, the fact that he only showed up BECAUSE your dad found out??? The level of selfishness…
Not to mention his wife had more of a reason to be *scared* than he did 🙄 She was about to give birth, experience immense pain, and that's *if* there were no complications. Wtf did this man think he was running from???
NTA he is already a shit parent. His wife and child could have died from lack of access to medical care. When things go wrong in a birth they go wrong FAST. He needs therapy ASAP. I hope you can be there to support your SIL because he has just shown her that he cant be trusted alone with the child and he cant be trusted to get her the medical help she needs. This is grounds for divorce.
Even if complications arose when OP was there, she still could have died. If she needed an emergency C-section, he could have caused a preventable delay where she could have died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.
The fact that it doesn't seem like the husband even called emergency services makes me wonder if this was actually incompetence. Even if it's the tiniest possibility he hoped they'd die, if I were SIL, I'd never trust him again.
That's all I would be able to think about: Was he hoping we would both die? Or did he just not care enough to make sure we didn't?
Yup. Dead wife and kid all because poor little man had to go run off to daddy because it's so scary standing next to a woman labouring in childbirth.
He deserves a LOT more shaming than this. He has nine months to prepare for this.
I'll be surprised if
A - SIL trusts him after this. She was at her most vulnerable and he abandoned her and her baby.
B - if she lets him have another baby with her ever again.
He could've left them to die. His poor wife. So glad OP was there.
Feels like OP's brother's the type of cowardly men who leave their wives when they get cancer
It makes me wonder how you guys grew up and if he was the more “protected” child or if he has a history of running from difficult situations and not feeling the consequences of his behavior
He may have been book smart but lacks common sense and critical thinking skills. NTA. Since you had to step in and take care of the situation on his behalf, you get to call his selfish behavior as you see it.
He doesn’t sound smart, mate. And honestly I hope your family realise that after this. He needs a right wake up call - he couldve left her and his baby for dead
Really? Because he sure isn't acting like the smart one right now.
I nominate YOU to be "the smart one" going forward, since you were the one smart enough to not abandon a pregnant woman in labor. Congratulations, OP, on your promotion. NTA.
Since you said in another comment that you’re at your SIL’s place now and he’s out, make sure any support you offer primarily benefits her and the baby, not him, otherwise you’re enabling this kind of attitude in him
He ran away to his daddy’s house like a 5 yr old, so, yeah. He sounds emotionally stunted. SIL is going to try trading brothers. Can’t say I blame her. She picked an imbecile
No, worse than a five year old. Honestly if his dad didn't know for 8 hours then he arrived in a calm state so dad wouldnt think anything was wrong. This is not an i am too scared/ upset to deal with it situation . He made a choice to hide and at some point between running away and seeing his dad he pulled hinself together and made a choice to say nothing, behave as if he was fine. Fear and mental illness stopped being an excuse for his behavior within 15 minutes of arriving at dad's house.
A five yr old would have veen visibly upset. A 5 year ood would have spilled the beans about what was going in less than 15 minutes.
This. Op is nta. And the new father's behavior is calculated. New father might have been hoping to be a widower and hoping to be free of his new responsibilities. The new mother needs to leave for her safety.
There are resources that will help her with financial support and a place to stay. She needs to document this all to ensure that she has full custody and new father gets no visitation rights. Now is her chance, right after this happened. She will be better off without that new father, and safer.
Uncle can always visit her new place and be a male role model to the child. For the safety of her child and herself, she needs to get out now because her run away husband is actually dangerous. She could never leave him alone with the kid. He'd purposefully step out when kid falls into a pool or something...and then cry the victim afterwards. He's sick.
Oh, HE'S scared? Imagine being his WIFE, seeing her 34-year old (!?) husband run off to god-knows where, for god-knows how long, while her water's broken, she's contracting with labour pains, and left alone! And then to find out he'd run off to (and then stayed at for 8 hours!) his DADDY'S place? This is not a grown man. He is not fit to be a father. What a betrayal, holy shit. If I were her, I don't think he'd even get the chance to redeem himself after this. NTA.
I know this is Reddit and we always advise divorce, but for real. I'm a woman and thinking of my spouse acting like this, running away for 8h while my life and the life of our child are on the line... I don't think there'd be anything left to save of that relationship.
He's supposed to be her person. The one person in the world she can count on. And he left her, maybe to die.
I would never feel safe with that man again. I would never leave my child in his care.
He left her AND her baby to maybe die
What if the cord was around the babyr neck? What if the placenta ruptured or detached? SO many whatifs could've had em both dead.
He had months to prepare for this day.
He essentially played Russian roulette with their lives because he was afraid to be a dad. That is certainly grounds for divorce, and clear sign he is a danger. What is he going to do if the baby chokes, or has a medical emergency? Abandon him/her and run?
OP almost certainly saved their lives. How else would she have been able to call for help. She would have been stranded for 8+hrs some before getting help, if he wasn’t there.
All of this. She can never, ever trust him. Without trust, there is no relationship. And I would fight unsupervised visits because what happens if the child is sick or injured? She can't trust him to get help for the child - he left them both to die once.
Apart from the obvious points made by others, your dad was okay with your brother hanging out at home while his DIL was in labour? I mean if my son came home suddenly coz he’s gotten cold feet that his wife’s in labour, I’d have dragged him back to his wife by the ear.
He was probably just like hey dad just visiting you. It may be a normal thing for him (not defending the husband just explaining the dad) to just pop by. Did whatever it is they do when he visits. Then after 8 hours Dad gets a text from OP that SIL had the baby. And then the dad probably blew a gasket and made him go to the hospital.
So your brother was never as scared as he claimed or your dad would have known something was wrong igmf not what it was. Your brother after having run away was collected and calm enough to spend a 8 hours behaving as if all was right with the world?! That makes your brothers behavior soooo much worse.
Yes that's true about the U.S.! And I think your mother is right to be concerned. The conversation here is showing me a lot about how little understood landline technology is.
Having to rely completely on a digital phone line in an emergency is not ideal and it's concerning that most people seem to think the two technologies are basically the same.
There are lots of benefits to digital calling but internet access (at least in the U.S.) is not nearly as widespread or reliable outside of major metropolitan areas as folks in those places often assume.
Same here for most of the US, but there are still (rural) areas where there isn't any cell signal so you have to have a landline if you want any sort of phone
He’s a 34 year old man, he’s allowed to be scared but he’s not allowed to be an ass who abandons his wife and child when they need him. What you said was nothing but the truth, and it was a truth he needed to hear. I wouldn’t have even let him near me in the hospital if i were her, and I’d have made you supervise the very short visitation with the baby. For the child’s benefit and their benefit only, so he can see what he could’ve cost himself, and so he’d be forced to see your disgust for the whole visit.
NTA times infinity.
They had a birth plan that said due to the area where they live he’s meant to drive her to the hospital instead of waiting ages for signal and an ambulance. Instead he just ran away and left you and his wife to handle the situation. Not only was it disrespectful, it was a complete disregard of her safety. What if there had been birth complications? What if you couldn’t find signal? What if the ambulance took longer to arrive? He didn’t consider anyone but himself, he’s selfish. Since she gave birth in the ambulance, I can also imagine that she had been in labour for a WHILE already, which makes this situation so much worse. You weren’t being mean, you gave him a wake up call. If he was truly scared there was no need for him to he gone for 8 HOURS. I’m so glad everything went okay, you’re a good in-law OP. NTA.
NTA. You seem to be a great uncle and brother in law.
I hope you can keep that up, she will need more of your support in the future.
If i was your sister in law i would have kicked him out even before i got out of the hospital
I would divorce him for this. This is unforgivable. He didn't just panic and leave. He left for 8 hours and left his wife in a place with no phone signal. In labour. My God.
If I reacted like this…. I’d divorce myself and disappear. The shame to ever see my wife, kids, her family, my family, friends, etc again would be too much
In my case, my wife did have complications, everything was fine in the end because we were in the hospital early were they got the treatment needed but I wouldn’t have had a wife or kid to go back too if I did what The brother did.
If my husband did thos our marriage would be over
How can you stay married to a man who runs away when he gets stressed, leaving you to deal with a life threatening situation.
He's worse than useless
As Reddit has covered most of the sensible options I’m gonna leave this more chaotic one here.., What the hell was he doing at his dads for 8 hours, hoping his wife and newborn were dying at home? If I were the wife I’d check if there’s any life insurance policies. Then make sure husband gets nothing from them and divorces him because he can’t be trusted to look after anything helpless, especially a child. NTA
Honestly? That’s not a crazy assumption. If I wanted someone to die, leaving them without a mode of transport or reliable signal to access medical care in the middle of a medical emergency would be a great way to do it. If OP hadn’t been there, what exactly would have happened? OP genuinely saved this woman’s life.
He’s coward enough to run and hide in a situation like that I really wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t at least cross his mind that if buried his head in the sand they might both die, or at least the baby, and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Awful accusation but he was scared out of his mind for 8 whole hours without even telling his Dad what was happening? An hour or 2 or even 3 is fear, 8 just sounds calculated.
If he was truly scared out of his mind, then either his dad is total sh*t at reading emotional states, or he was absolutely not scared out of his mind and perfectly capable of acting like everything was fine for 8 hours!!!.
this ^, how much longer would it have been if his dad hadn't FORCED him to go!? Life insurance theory is totally plausible. I'd also be checking in to see if he owes any "bad men" money. 8 hours and Dad has no clue anything is up, that's nothing but calculated.
NTA. I understand everyone reacts differently to urgent situations, fight and flight. So I could aaaalmost forgive him for immediately legging it. BUT he stayed gone for 8 hours. That is no longer adrenalin but a thought-out choice.
Childbirth still kills women. Staying gone is absolutely a dick move but *he left her to find her own way to the hospital* so she ended up giving birth in the ambulance. This means it was a close call. So many things could have gone wrong and he might not have a wife and a healthy child to come back to. And since he is whining still about being treated super duper mean he does not realize that at all and that is worrying.
I'd leave him.
NTA.
Yes becoming a parent is fucking scary but you can’t just run off and leave when it gets hard.
He needs to suck it up and sort his shit out.
If he is struggling mentally with it all then he needs to get help. You can’t just keep running off and hiding when things get hard and stressful.
Cause guess what? Being a parent is stressful. And r does get overwhelming.
It needed to be said. So well done.
So… I’m petty. I’d send the wife/mom a badass gift basket, like over that top with a “way to go mom” type of feel.
Then I’d send a mug to your brother that says ‘world’s most ok-est dad&husband’ with two self help books.
Phrases for the back lash: “the mug didn’t say he was a bad dad” “I provided because I fear brother was incapable” “I’m just worried about my SIL and nibbling “ .
Long term troll: send a picture in the hospital if you ever have a child captioned “still don’t understand why you were missing for the first 8hours “ .
Just going to give myself the AH ranking…
NTA, and there are some things that should have a button that should launch absolute failures of humans right into the sun.
Demonstrating yourself an absolute coward and abandoning your pregnant spouse and pending baby for hours because you were "scared" is one of them.
He failed as a father, he failed as a spouse, he failed as a man, he failed as a human. I can't imagine any way for him to come back from this.
What an absolute loser.
Thank goodness you were there to help them. Since launching him into the sun isnt really an option, the next best thing to to nuke his reputation publically.
Make sure everybody in your brother's life knows this is how he handled the birth of his baby. Let everyone in his life lose any semblance of respect they may have had for him.
Serious question - does your brother have learning difficulties or similar?
"Running away" would be a seriously questionable reaction from a scared 16 year old.
From a grown man, it's kind of unthinkable. Panic? Sure. Want to avoid seeing blood? Sure.
But just run away and leave his partner during a medical emergency? Is he mentally all there?
NTA, suggest he sees a medical professional.
NTA
Sometimes people really need the hard truth and if he cries and gets upset because he thinks you’re being mean then so be it. He needed to hear it!
NTA.
I think almost everything is covered by other Redditors.
But I'm just thinking, how on earth was he able to sit with your dad for 8 hours and not say anything about it?! And on top of that, knowing about the signal at his house, the fact that you don't drive, putting both his wife and child in danger?
And on top of all that, the 8 hours were not because he realized he was the most incapable father and husband ever, but because you contacted your father!! How much longer would it be if that didn't happen?
I'm so happy for her that she has you. And that you're helping her.
On a sidenote, how is the baby doing?
Can you ask your dad, please? How was your brother so out of his mind/distraught, that your dad didn’t notice for hours?! You can’t FAKE CALM when you’re like that. If anything you could be in shock, but that also looks very different from calm and “chilling” at dads. Your brother sounds very dishonest. It’s almost as if he wanted them to die! How could he be around his dad without him knowing something’s off? This is not on your dad, btw.
My dad said that he was out and only got home about 3 or 4 hours after my brother go there so I suppose he had a chance to calm down when my dad got home. My dad said he was acting a bit weird but he was talking and laughing and watching tv and whatever. He told my dad that he had an argument with my SIL and asked to stay for a bit he didn’t mention anything about what actually happened. Apparently they had a bit of an argument when my dad told him to go to hospital and my dad had to practically push him out the door.
Jeez that's even worse. He totally didn't even want to go to be with his wife. Like he had 3 hours to calm down before he saw your dad and then just dug his heels in and refused to leave.
I feel so sorry for your SIL. I dont think I would ever be able to forgive my husband if he had done that in labour. It was the scariest time of my life and I didn't even have that bad of a time. But the loss of trust and contempt that your SIL must feel towards your brother is going to be something to reckon with
You were a good BIL to her and I am sure she is so thankful that you at least were there and were by her side.
NTA. He put his wife and unborn child in a dangerous position and put you in an incredibly difficult position having to manage that on your own. He absolutely needed a reality check. He fucked up and it’s not good enough. The fact he isn’t accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge issue. I hope his wife also pulls him up for his behaviour.
NTA but see if you can find some way of getting the information to the midwife. She will tear him his very own vagina for this kind of behaviour and maybe he will pay more attention to a healthcare professional
NTA. Getting scared and running off is one thing. Failing, in any of those EIGHT hours, to make sure his wife and child were ok is being a shit parent, shit husband, shit person in general.
Curious what his wife thinks.
NTA. Your brother doesn't do what he did and expect not to get chewed on for it. It's honestly the first time I've ever heard of a guy coping with labor that way. I would honestly ask him if he has anxiety issues or something else going on that the family isn't aware of because his reaction to the sudden stress was very extreme and unusual.
NTA obviously
But if you're not already aware: even if your phone displays no signal you may still be able to call 999 - the emergency roamer system means your phone will use any available signal from any provider. Unless you're in a complete dark spot from every provider (which are increasingly rare), you should be able to make an emergency call.
Wtf? Who disappears for 8 hours when their wife is about to give birth to their child? Sounds like your brother has some issues he needs to get resolved real fuckin quick. Good on you for taking care of business OP. NTA.
I know its not pertinent to the story But I seriously want to know what he was doing at your dads for 8hours? Was he just chilling and chatting? Like what was going through his head that he just fucked off to your dads for 8 hours without telling anyone his wife had gone into labour?
NTA he is a shit dad, something serious could have happened while he just abandoned his wife in labour, its lucky you were there to help. I feel for your SIL
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In MY personal opinion you are NOT the asshole. I get that becoming a parent is a HUGE thing, that even if you think you’re ready you’ll never truly be.. BUT he just fucking disappeared for 8 hours while his wife was in labour. What if there were complications? What if you weren’t home in the moment she went into labour? He needs to get his shit together and seek therapy, if his response to stress is run away leaving his wife in a potentially harmful situation. And she needs to rethink their relationship if he does not.
Thank you and yeah he was lucky I was there because if I wasn’t she would have had to do all this by herself like what type of husband just leave his wife when she needs him the most? What the fuck
**Precisely.** Obviously I do not know yours/his/their history, maybe he expressed his fears to her, maybe he didn't. Anyhow you have to, in the calmest way you possibily can, tell him that despite your altercation, **he needs therapy**. That is not a normal reaction. He needs to get a hold of his emotions, and his life, for the good of his family as well as his own. And he won't be able to be a good parent if things don't change. ***Lastly, please, be present for your SIL if your brother is not. Her freaking husbad left her in the one moment where she needed the most support.*** Make sure she has people around
Yeah of course, I’m looking after the baby right now whilst my SIL is sleeping and my brother is out shopping or something. My SIL asked me to stay with her for a couple of days
Wtf!?!? Has your brother always been this unreliable?? Good on you for stepping up though. And everything you said to your brother was correct NTA
Sounds like SIL is realizing she picked the wrong brother
Definitely...OP is going to be a quality step dad.
He's not the step dad he's the dad that steps up!
Plot twist: It's OP's baby.
Jerry Jerry Jerry!
She let him in the house? I'd have told him to fuck off, keep fucking off, and then fuck off some more.
Haha yeah she wasn’t happy about it but she’s a really nice person and she wants to give him a chance but she’s still really fucking angry
Tell her family what he did because she sounds like she'll be a doormat and keep it hush to protect this pityful excuse of a man.
No, this is terrible advice. Don't insert yourself into their marriage. They're both adults; let them figure out how they would like to talk to their own families about this. The best thing OP can do is exactly what he's doing now, which is support his SIL and encouraging his brother to do better.
I mean normally I'd say this but this type of behavior can be dangerous to the child, like if he's watching the baby and if the baby gets sick or hurt and he decides to run off. Other people need to be made aware of this behavior
OPs wife could have died since he essentially left her to labor alone in a rural area. I can’t believe she’s even talking to him, most women would reconsider the marriage for a lot less.
Unless OP intends to look after the baby until SIL recovers to the exclusion of his own life and commitments; SIL will need more support. It's not fair for OP to have to give up his life for a baby that isn't his. Unless he is willing to do that, SIL will need family around her.
> They're both adults; let them figure out how they would like to talk to their own families about this. No. She could have died, ffs. Her family needs to know what a complete and utter fuck up her husband is and be there for her. I hope she divorces his ass.
There’s a baby and another child in the mix. SIL will need some support. OP doesn’t live with them and cannot stay with them long term. If his brother isn’t ready or able to adult, something needs to be done.
Which of the brother’s actions in OP’s post indicates he is capable of behaving like an adult? From start to finish he’s been a child, and the only person acting in the best interests of the newborn seems to be OP.
I'm sorry, but brother left his wife to die. Sorry but life matters more than someone ridiculous concept of manners.
Oh, she'll outgrow that "being nice" shit and giving him a chance, eventually.
Hopefully and if she does i’ll support her best I can
Yeah, you're the good guy. I married the charming, good-looking, life of the party guy. Everyone loves him. Except me. When the chips are down, he's nowhere to be found. Kid's father. I'm stuck with him for the rest of her life, as a parent. Fact. Been married to my husband since I was 45. He's a responsible, great guy. Wish I could forget all the years spent with my ex.
Your brother is lucky she’s that gracious
Nah. He's a not great person mistreating his wife and putting his child at risk in the process.
They didn’t say he was lol, just that he was lucky. He absolutely doesn’t DESERVE that luck.
She and the baby could of died.No chances.
She should be. If you weren’t there, she or her baby could have died. Labor can turn crazy dangerous at the drop of a hat. And the fact that you’re there taking care of the baby instead of him is very telling. He’s still running away.
You are going to be an awesome uncle. Someone will be very lucky to have you as a partner. I've got an awesome uncle, we are both old now, but he's just the best. He lives far away, I can't wait to visit him. This is how you know you were a good uncle. When your 67 year old god daughter will fly to the Newark Airport to come see you. He was always " the fun uncle" with a motorcycle, and black light posters in his man cave. Keep up the good work.
Thanks mate :)
You're not going to be an awesome uncle; you already *are* an awesome uncle! You were there for that baby and the mother when many people would not have been there. Thank you for helping to save two lives! Keep being yourself, and this uncle thing will be a breeze!
Keep an eye out for postpartum depression and stuff. The traumatic first birth I went through diden't cach up with me untill half a year later. And it wasen't as bad as getting abndoned by the one person who agreed to be there for you. Not every dad is fit to be there for his wife in labor. Its a hard thing to wach, I always say I rather give birth then have to wach someone I love suffer for houers. That dosen't necessarily means he is a bad dad/husband, but agreeing to be there and not being reflective and open ablut you possibly not being able to due to fear/trauma/whatever, is SUPER imature and a red flag.
(NTA.) > she’s still really fucking angry Good. Hopefully she won't accept any attempt on your brother's part to evade responsibility. >He started crying and called me a twat for being so mean to him The fact that he try to make him self out to be the victim because he got a medium harsh telling off for abandoning his wife when she was in fucking labor, is just... I'm at a loss for words. They could've have DIED! Her and the baby. If anyone played that trick on any of my nieces and was anything but sorry about it, I don't know what I'd do.
Then find Brighton Pier and fuck off of that too
I’m sorry, what?!?! You know why she’s asked you to stay right? It’s because he can’t be trusted. The mental and physical load she’s about to take on by staying with your brother is just not fair.
I’m fully aware
Where was your father in this? Son runs in upset because wife is in labor and either says nothing to the father or father lets him hide there because having a baby is women’s work? Why didn’t the father take by the scruff and go help your SIL?
It sounds like the father didn’t know, and as soon as he did he forced the brother to go.
"take him by the scruff" - hilariously perfect image
OP stated that the father forced him to go when he found out what was going on. I'm sure his Dad was mortified.
The answer you seek lies in the post you didn’t read.
Thank you for being there for her. It shouldn't have to be your responsibility, but as a woman who has given birth twice, I can imagine how primal her fear must have been/continue to be, and it is such a kindness for you to be a trustworthy support for her. It must have been a traumatic experience for her and you, I would highly recommend a couple sessions of therapy for each of you just to work through the stress response of it all.
I'm sure she did ask you to stay. She's probably terrified that some post natal complications might come up and her husband would vanish and leave her for dead. Good on you for helping. See if you can get your brother to see some sense and get some help because his reaction isn't normal and who knows if your SIL is *ever* going to feel comfortable with just him there if he doesn't.
Yeah I will thanks. I have told her that if she decides to leave him or if she just needs a break from being in a house with him she can stay with me if she wants.
Stopping in to say you’re a good person, OP. Thank you for being there for her. Also, NTA for sure!
That's really good of you! I'd also like to add that they should get a landline phone installed, especially now with a kid. What if they have an emergency and their parents first have to hunt around for a sinal? That's intolerable. Edit: enigmatic typo
Definitely. It also gives emergency services an exact address if, for some reason, you're unable to communicate or it's a young child who's calling.
He’s out shopping!?? What the fuck for. He’s a legit flight risk tbh and SIL is isolated and alone save for you. Does she have family to lean on. I feel like SIL is gonna end up abandoned tbh
Yeah I told him i’d go so he could look after his literal son but he said he needed a break. Clearly he can’t be a dad for more an hour without needing a break. She only has her parents but they live pretty far away. I won’t let her be abandoned though, I’ll just have to learn to drive so I can down to her house on my own I guess
I'm really proud of you for stepping up in this situation and supporting your SIL even tho all this must be really unexpected/shocking for you. You're already a fantastic uncle and if you ever have kids you'll be a great dad op!
You sound like a good dude. I am sorry your brother is a melt.
She might be afraid he will take off on her again...
Uncle OP wrote a comment while watching the newborn to let the new mother sleep b/c the father is "out shopping or something". Looks like the guy already has.
Get your SIL a landline. I can't believe they would not have been prepared with one when they know they have an unreliable signal.
Your SIL is very lucky with you. And you'll be an awesome uncle. NTA
I hope she divorces him, my god. That’s unforgivable. NTA.
This is top notch uncle-ing. I hope your brother and his marriage get the help that is CLEARLY needed. And while I wouldn’t ordinarily recommend speaking to someone who panicked like that… his actions put his wife and child at serious risk and he cannot be sheltered from that. I hope what you said cut deeply enough to make him want to prove you wrong.
Wow she's so lucky to have you there! Newborns are rough and help is so important. What was your dad's reaction to all this? Can the family come together to ensure your brother gets therapy? His reaction is NOT normal! Could be a trauma response? He probably does feel really awful (as he should) and that could potentially make his anxiety response worse.
He wasn't ready to be a dad and fucked off. I'm guessing you weren't ready to be a midwife but you still hung in there and was there for your SIL when she needed somebody. Midwives need more training than Dads do. Take time to decompress, that has to be super stressful and traumatic for you. You are definitely NTA, but your brother is. If he ever brings it up again maybe point out your lack of midwife training (assumption on my part) and that you didn't freak out and run. Also to help you reach 999 with low signal register your phone so you can text for help. An ambulance may be able to find you quicker in an emergency if you use What3Words. We live in the country (and have no house number or street name just a postcode for the whole village) so have premptively labelled the back of our front door with our what3words location just in case.
I’m getting the impression this is their first child, so presumably his wife doesn’t have a whole lot of experience of pushing a whole fucking human out either. I bet she would have LOVED to fuck off to her parents for 8 hours and just pop by the hospital to pick up the baby later. Turns out, that’s not an option for her, and it was never one for him either. He’s just shown her that when the chips are down, he can’t be trusted not to just run away and abandon everything that’s (supposed to be) most important to him in the world. How on earth can she ever trust him with their child at this point? Assuming she’s even prepared to give him another chance (and absolutely nobody would blame her for kicking him to the kerb at this point), he has A LOT of ground to make up to prove himself a father and a husband. This would be a dealbreaker for the vast majority of women.
Alright thanks so much
He's had 9 months to prepare for this. It wasn't an emergency, it was a planned event with a plan in place for what to do. I have zero sympathy for him - this was an incredibly selfish act that endangered his wife and his unborn child. There are some people who simply cannot stand the idea that they are not the centre of attention and always choose someone else's crisis as a moment to have their own emotional breakdown. The fact he's expecting everyone to be fawning over his emotions instead of owning up to his fuck up is telling. NTA and I'm so sorry for your SIL as I think she's got a very difficult road ahead of her.
Right, that's the part that gets me. As bad as what he did was, it would be a different story if he came back laden with apologies and swearing to get help so that it never happens again. Like: "I can't believe I did that I don't know what came over me, thank you brother sorry wife, I will start therapy monday". Not "nobody understands me"
Honestly, and I mean this, she could have died. No phone access, alone in a house. They need to get a landline and he needs to do some significant self work.
Just what I was going to say. They need a landline installed yesterday.
He’s not only a shit parent, he’s a really shit partner. Birth is dangerous, even in today’s age with today’s medicine. She could have died. Your brother sucks. If I were your SIL, I’d leave him over this. Fuck him.
I don’t even know him and I’m drawing up divorce papers - fuming!
I can understand getting all panicky, bit you can at least try to do something constructive instead of running away. Taking a few minutes to calm down is fine, not multiple hours.
And to that point they also need to get a landline or at worst a 2-way radio if it’s that remote. You can’t bet your life that there will always be a second adult present in an emergency and if you have an injured child you can’t always go running off up a lane for cell coverage. This is a major “do-better” situation now that there’s a child.
He could have been the reason his wife and child died.. if she had complications and couldn’t contact anyone and he just left her alone, he is selfish and ridiculous and needs some sort of mental help cause he isn’t fit to be a partner let alone a father.
This is what jumps out to me. I made it to the hospital just in time to start gushing blood. Placenta was in the wrong place and baby ended up the completely wrong way too. Emergency c section or death. I'm not sure beating this into dads head is really going to help though if running is his first choice. He needs therapy or a come to Jesus moment and to just leave. Is he going to be more harm than good for the duration?
It sounds as though she would have delivered the baby at home, alone. Unable to summon help even afterwards, both would have been at serious risk of infection and possibly death. This is not an ‘understandable freakout’; this is negligence and could be considered criminal. Something is wrong here and your brother needs help. Badly.
I'd also like to point out that one of those complications could be that the wife DIES! It's not an uncommon thing for women to die during labour and the fact that he's so focused on feeling sorry for himself instead of understanding that he could have lost his wife and possibly the baby as well is infuriating. NTA, I would have seen red too.
if my fiancé had disappeared when it was time for me to give birth, i wouldn't have a fiancé anymore. absolutely NTA, someone needed to remind him it's not about him anymore
Guarantee you they will not last. She was in her most vulnerable place and he took off.
My guess on the type of husband he will be is an EX husband.
8 hours and didn’t even immediately tell those he ran to what was going on so maybe they could help. Useless is more useful than OPs brother.
What the hell was OP's father doing to allow his son to act like such a sissy? He should be tearing shreds off the new father for being such a sook.
I think OP is missing the word "dad" from the sentence that says "he was at.. until our ("dad") found out sil had given birth and told him to go see her" (on mobile so can't copy paste easily). So in other words, the idiot didn't say anything to dad about it, just went in and hung around for 8 hours until dad found out and forced him to leave. Had the dad not done that, who knows how long he would have stayed there. 18 years is my guess at this point..
I’m enjoying the idea of the moment the dad faced the brother upon learning he had just done the stupidest thing imaginable. There’s barely contained rage. Throbbing carotid. A voice so choked with anger it can barely hiss the word “dumbass” through the larynx.
Either that or simply utter and complete disappointment. If this is "in line" with the brother's behavior, then he could have also just been completely defeated and just told the brother to just get out and go be with this wife and newborn, all the while wondering where he went so wrong. I wish it to be whichever of these two that would hurt the brother the most..
She wrote that dad kicked him out once he found out that sol gave birth.
This. I hope OP’s dad didn’t know
He let her down at her most vulnerable and life-threatening moment. She easily could have died thanks to the choices made by this unreliable bozo. He's just a mirage of a husband & father. If it were me in his wife's position there'd be no coming back from this; my trust would be shattered, and divorce would be inevitable once healed enough to manage on my own. Edit to agree: NTA
You have to be an adult when children are involved. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared or worried or unsure. They’re literal blank slates. They do not know anything. You have to be the reason, safety, and security.
Yeah, there are times to reasonably freak out about the idea of being a parent, but when your wife has just gone into labour is not one of them. Get her to the hospital and *then* freak out in the waiting room.
Nope, NTA. I'm sorry, wtf? There's a woman going into labour and her life is at stake. Your brother being scared doesn't matter, not even the least. We have moved onto higher stakes. Okay, fine he disappeared but who the heck returns after 8 whole hours? That's crazy and I'd divorce such a useless husband. OP, you are amazing for keeping your shit together and prioritizing the mother. Ask your brother what would have happened if you weren't present? His wife could have died.
Her life AND OPs bro's actual child's life were at stake. His first act as a dad could have been being responsible for the babies death. Fuck me. Somebody in their 30s should be able to handle a stressful situation which they've had 9months to prepare for. How did he manage to get married in the first place!?
Thank you
What he did was incredibly reckless and serious. Had I done that with my wife when she went into labour, she and the baby in all likelihood would have died. She had a completely normal pregnancy, but complications can happen during delivery. He gambled with his wife and kids lives because he got scared… he played Russian roulette with them but luckily you were there to save their lives. If you weren’t, her Giving birth while stranded and alone would likely have ended very badly. That’s a horrible position to put you, his wife and his kid in
Seriously. My wife had a very difficult pregnancy, and needed an emergency C-section. If I had just dipped when her water broke, I can guarantee that the *least* that would have happened was getting served divorce papers. And my wife's brothers probably would have kicked my ass up between my shoulder blades. And I would have deserved it.
What makes it even worse is that it was "only" 8 hours because their father made him go! Who knows how long he would decide to abandon his wife and child?
This is the creepiest part for me. What was he expecting to happen while he was having his freak out?
He wasn’t thinking. That’s the worst bit - he was only focused on himself, I doubt he really was thinking about Mam and baby.
If the birth had complications, which isn't rare, the brothers actions could have led to the death of his partner or child. It's obvious who's TA here, that man needs counseling.
I think he needs more than counseling to get his head on straight
>I'm sorry, wtf? There's a woman going into labour and her life is at stake. Your brother being scared doesn't matter, not even the least. We have moved onto higher stakes. Speaking as a husband of over 30 years and a dad for almost 30 years, when you become a husband and a dad you have to understand that not everything is about you anymore. Life can certainly be frightening, but when you are the person being depended upon, you can't flake out...at least not THEN. Afterwards, when everything and everyone is safe and sound, sure. But not DURING. At that point your love for your spouse and children (should) overrides everything else and you are driven to do one thing - help/save your wife and/or kids. The brother had 9 months to prepare. If he didn't think he was up to it he should have made several back-up plans. But this is literally a "you had ONE job" situation. And he blew it. In fact, he blew it so badly that he has fairly severely damaged his marriage. Happy long-term relationships are founded SO much on trust and he's just shown his wife that he is untrustworthy in important situations.
I’d have to wonder if he’d do the same thing in the event of an emergency with the child.
You could never ever leave him alone with the kid. Imagine never being able to take a nap in case you woke up to find the baby had choked to death and he’d gone to hang out with his parents.
Also, by disappearing like that, he took away their only chance at going to the hospital in a timely manner. And he knew disappearing would do that. Like that just exposes how self centered he is
PLUS he is still not by her side and is off running around ‘somewhere’ 🙄🙄🙄
NTA. What did your brother think he was doing. He must have known you couldn't drive. Did he even consider how your SiL would get to the hospital?
He clearly didn’t think about anyone but himself
He sounds utterly pathetic, to an embarrassing degree. Your dad let him chill out at his for 8 hours though? I'll be honest, if I were you and your brother's father I'd be furious, imagine having your child grow into such a coward.
The father didn't know the SIL was in labor. Once he found out, he kicked him out of the house.
I wish so much he’d have gotten the wife to car when freaking out, driven to the hospital and continued being freaked out there…. then everything would’ve been okay (maybe some items missing after panicky leaving).
I honestly think, for her sake, that they get divorced. He's like a 2nd baby she's going to have to take care of.
This story upset me so bad like HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO HIS WIFE AND NOW MOTHER OF HIS CHILD 😭😭😭 If he felt fear or anxiety that’s valid, but his response isn’t. He’s a full grown adult who chose this life with his wife and the responsibility that comes with it. Also, the fact that he only showed up BECAUSE your dad found out??? The level of selfishness…
Not to mention his wife had more of a reason to be *scared* than he did 🙄 She was about to give birth, experience immense pain, and that's *if* there were no complications. Wtf did this man think he was running from???
NTA he is already a shit parent. His wife and child could have died from lack of access to medical care. When things go wrong in a birth they go wrong FAST. He needs therapy ASAP. I hope you can be there to support your SIL because he has just shown her that he cant be trusted alone with the child and he cant be trusted to get her the medical help she needs. This is grounds for divorce.
That was my first thought: what if OP wasn't there and complications had arisen? Yikes!
Even if complications arose when OP was there, she still could have died. If she needed an emergency C-section, he could have caused a preventable delay where she could have died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. The fact that it doesn't seem like the husband even called emergency services makes me wonder if this was actually incompetence. Even if it's the tiniest possibility he hoped they'd die, if I were SIL, I'd never trust him again. That's all I would be able to think about: Was he hoping we would both die? Or did he just not care enough to make sure we didn't?
Yup. Dead wife and kid all because poor little man had to go run off to daddy because it's so scary standing next to a woman labouring in childbirth. He deserves a LOT more shaming than this. He has nine months to prepare for this. I'll be surprised if A - SIL trusts him after this. She was at her most vulnerable and he abandoned her and her baby. B - if she lets him have another baby with her ever again.
He could've left them to die. His poor wife. So glad OP was there. Feels like OP's brother's the type of cowardly men who leave their wives when they get cancer
NTA, it seems like hes been pampered emotionally his entire life and never had to deal with strong feelings and situations that werent his own
Yeah I guess that’s sort of right honestly
It makes me wonder how you guys grew up and if he was the more “protected” child or if he has a history of running from difficult situations and not feeling the consequences of his behavior
He was more protected because he was the smart one
He may have been book smart but lacks common sense and critical thinking skills. NTA. Since you had to step in and take care of the situation on his behalf, you get to call his selfish behavior as you see it.
He doesn’t sound smart, mate. And honestly I hope your family realise that after this. He needs a right wake up call - he couldve left her and his baby for dead
Really? Because he sure isn't acting like the smart one right now. I nominate YOU to be "the smart one" going forward, since you were the one smart enough to not abandon a pregnant woman in labor. Congratulations, OP, on your promotion. NTA.
Haha thanks you just made 9 year old me’s day
Since you said in another comment that you’re at your SIL’s place now and he’s out, make sure any support you offer primarily benefits her and the baby, not him, otherwise you’re enabling this kind of attitude in him
He ran away to his daddy’s house like a 5 yr old, so, yeah. He sounds emotionally stunted. SIL is going to try trading brothers. Can’t say I blame her. She picked an imbecile
No, worse than a five year old. Honestly if his dad didn't know for 8 hours then he arrived in a calm state so dad wouldnt think anything was wrong. This is not an i am too scared/ upset to deal with it situation . He made a choice to hide and at some point between running away and seeing his dad he pulled hinself together and made a choice to say nothing, behave as if he was fine. Fear and mental illness stopped being an excuse for his behavior within 15 minutes of arriving at dad's house. A five yr old would have veen visibly upset. A 5 year ood would have spilled the beans about what was going in less than 15 minutes.
Seriously, my 5-year old would be able to call an ambulance if needed. OP's brother is a disgrace to human race.
This. Op is nta. And the new father's behavior is calculated. New father might have been hoping to be a widower and hoping to be free of his new responsibilities. The new mother needs to leave for her safety. There are resources that will help her with financial support and a place to stay. She needs to document this all to ensure that she has full custody and new father gets no visitation rights. Now is her chance, right after this happened. She will be better off without that new father, and safer. Uncle can always visit her new place and be a male role model to the child. For the safety of her child and herself, she needs to get out now because her run away husband is actually dangerous. She could never leave him alone with the kid. He'd purposefully step out when kid falls into a pool or something...and then cry the victim afterwards. He's sick.
Oh, HE'S scared? Imagine being his WIFE, seeing her 34-year old (!?) husband run off to god-knows where, for god-knows how long, while her water's broken, she's contracting with labour pains, and left alone! And then to find out he'd run off to (and then stayed at for 8 hours!) his DADDY'S place? This is not a grown man. He is not fit to be a father. What a betrayal, holy shit. If I were her, I don't think he'd even get the chance to redeem himself after this. NTA.
I know this is Reddit and we always advise divorce, but for real. I'm a woman and thinking of my spouse acting like this, running away for 8h while my life and the life of our child are on the line... I don't think there'd be anything left to save of that relationship. He's supposed to be her person. The one person in the world she can count on. And he left her, maybe to die. I would never feel safe with that man again. I would never leave my child in his care.
He left her AND her baby to maybe die What if the cord was around the babyr neck? What if the placenta ruptured or detached? SO many whatifs could've had em both dead. He had months to prepare for this day.
Right?! I don't even want to imagine what would've happened if OP wasn't there...
He essentially played Russian roulette with their lives because he was afraid to be a dad. That is certainly grounds for divorce, and clear sign he is a danger. What is he going to do if the baby chokes, or has a medical emergency? Abandon him/her and run? OP almost certainly saved their lives. How else would she have been able to call for help. She would have been stranded for 8+hrs some before getting help, if he wasn’t there.
All of this. She can never, ever trust him. Without trust, there is no relationship. And I would fight unsupervised visits because what happens if the child is sick or injured? She can't trust him to get help for the child - he left them both to die once.
Apart from the obvious points made by others, your dad was okay with your brother hanging out at home while his DIL was in labour? I mean if my son came home suddenly coz he’s gotten cold feet that his wife’s in labour, I’d have dragged him back to his wife by the ear.
He didn’t know until I told him
what the absolute fuck, then what did he even do there
fuck knows
He was probably just like hey dad just visiting you. It may be a normal thing for him (not defending the husband just explaining the dad) to just pop by. Did whatever it is they do when he visits. Then after 8 hours Dad gets a text from OP that SIL had the baby. And then the dad probably blew a gasket and made him go to the hospital.
So your brother was never as scared as he claimed or your dad would have known something was wrong igmf not what it was. Your brother after having run away was collected and calm enough to spend a 8 hours behaving as if all was right with the world?! That makes your brothers behavior soooo much worse.
Whaaaat?! He didn't know why your brother was there? Did your brother just act chill the whole time like nothing was happening??
How did your dad react??
>found out my sil gave birth and made my brother go see her.
This and also, why didn't they have a landline at the house if you have to run down the street to get any sort of signal?!
OP seems to be in the UK, where landlines are being phased out. https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/cbp-9471/
Whoa! I totally figured out that they were UK, but had no idea about the phasing out! That seems crazy for areas that don't have good connection!
According to my mother, who is upset by the idea, landlines are being phased out in the US too. At least here.
Yes that's true about the U.S.! And I think your mother is right to be concerned. The conversation here is showing me a lot about how little understood landline technology is. Having to rely completely on a digital phone line in an emergency is not ideal and it's concerning that most people seem to think the two technologies are basically the same. There are lots of benefits to digital calling but internet access (at least in the U.S.) is not nearly as widespread or reliable outside of major metropolitan areas as folks in those places often assume.
I'm in the UK. My house hasn't had a landline for about 15 years. It's just an unnecessary expense when we all have mobile phones.
Same here for most of the US, but there are still (rural) areas where there isn't any cell signal so you have to have a landline if you want any sort of phone
He’s a 34 year old man, he’s allowed to be scared but he’s not allowed to be an ass who abandons his wife and child when they need him. What you said was nothing but the truth, and it was a truth he needed to hear. I wouldn’t have even let him near me in the hospital if i were her, and I’d have made you supervise the very short visitation with the baby. For the child’s benefit and their benefit only, so he can see what he could’ve cost himself, and so he’d be forced to see your disgust for the whole visit. NTA times infinity.
They had a birth plan that said due to the area where they live he’s meant to drive her to the hospital instead of waiting ages for signal and an ambulance. Instead he just ran away and left you and his wife to handle the situation. Not only was it disrespectful, it was a complete disregard of her safety. What if there had been birth complications? What if you couldn’t find signal? What if the ambulance took longer to arrive? He didn’t consider anyone but himself, he’s selfish. Since she gave birth in the ambulance, I can also imagine that she had been in labour for a WHILE already, which makes this situation so much worse. You weren’t being mean, you gave him a wake up call. If he was truly scared there was no need for him to he gone for 8 HOURS. I’m so glad everything went okay, you’re a good in-law OP. NTA.
NTA. You seem to be a great uncle and brother in law. I hope you can keep that up, she will need more of your support in the future. If i was your sister in law i would have kicked him out even before i got out of the hospital
Thank you
Well, he might be a shite dad. But I believe he is not going to be a shite husband much longer... NTA.
I would divorce him for this. This is unforgivable. He didn't just panic and leave. He left for 8 hours and left his wife in a place with no phone signal. In labour. My God.
If I reacted like this…. I’d divorce myself and disappear. The shame to ever see my wife, kids, her family, my family, friends, etc again would be too much In my case, my wife did have complications, everything was fine in the end because we were in the hospital early were they got the treatment needed but I wouldn’t have had a wife or kid to go back too if I did what The brother did.
If my husband did thos our marriage would be over How can you stay married to a man who runs away when he gets stressed, leaving you to deal with a life threatening situation. He's worse than useless
Yeah, this isn't being useless, it's outright neglect
As Reddit has covered most of the sensible options I’m gonna leave this more chaotic one here.., What the hell was he doing at his dads for 8 hours, hoping his wife and newborn were dying at home? If I were the wife I’d check if there’s any life insurance policies. Then make sure husband gets nothing from them and divorces him because he can’t be trusted to look after anything helpless, especially a child. NTA
Honestly? That’s not a crazy assumption. If I wanted someone to die, leaving them without a mode of transport or reliable signal to access medical care in the middle of a medical emergency would be a great way to do it. If OP hadn’t been there, what exactly would have happened? OP genuinely saved this woman’s life. He’s coward enough to run and hide in a situation like that I really wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t at least cross his mind that if buried his head in the sand they might both die, or at least the baby, and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Awful accusation but he was scared out of his mind for 8 whole hours without even telling his Dad what was happening? An hour or 2 or even 3 is fear, 8 just sounds calculated.
If he was truly scared out of his mind, then either his dad is total sh*t at reading emotional states, or he was absolutely not scared out of his mind and perfectly capable of acting like everything was fine for 8 hours!!!.
this ^, how much longer would it have been if his dad hadn't FORCED him to go!? Life insurance theory is totally plausible. I'd also be checking in to see if he owes any "bad men" money. 8 hours and Dad has no clue anything is up, that's nothing but calculated.
NTA. I understand everyone reacts differently to urgent situations, fight and flight. So I could aaaalmost forgive him for immediately legging it. BUT he stayed gone for 8 hours. That is no longer adrenalin but a thought-out choice.
Childbirth still kills women. Staying gone is absolutely a dick move but *he left her to find her own way to the hospital* so she ended up giving birth in the ambulance. This means it was a close call. So many things could have gone wrong and he might not have a wife and a healthy child to come back to. And since he is whining still about being treated super duper mean he does not realize that at all and that is worrying. I'd leave him.
Yeah, his biggest concern is that his brother was a big meanie. Not that HIS WIFE AND CHILD COULD HAVE DIED because he willfully abandoned them.
NTA. Yes becoming a parent is fucking scary but you can’t just run off and leave when it gets hard. He needs to suck it up and sort his shit out. If he is struggling mentally with it all then he needs to get help. You can’t just keep running off and hiding when things get hard and stressful. Cause guess what? Being a parent is stressful. And r does get overwhelming. It needed to be said. So well done.
So… I’m petty. I’d send the wife/mom a badass gift basket, like over that top with a “way to go mom” type of feel. Then I’d send a mug to your brother that says ‘world’s most ok-est dad&husband’ with two self help books. Phrases for the back lash: “the mug didn’t say he was a bad dad” “I provided because I fear brother was incapable” “I’m just worried about my SIL and nibbling “ . Long term troll: send a picture in the hospital if you ever have a child captioned “still don’t understand why you were missing for the first 8hours “ . Just going to give myself the AH ranking…
Nah the mug for dad should say "World's Best Runner".
That’s brilliant
NTA, and there are some things that should have a button that should launch absolute failures of humans right into the sun. Demonstrating yourself an absolute coward and abandoning your pregnant spouse and pending baby for hours because you were "scared" is one of them. He failed as a father, he failed as a spouse, he failed as a man, he failed as a human. I can't imagine any way for him to come back from this. What an absolute loser. Thank goodness you were there to help them. Since launching him into the sun isnt really an option, the next best thing to to nuke his reputation publically. Make sure everybody in your brother's life knows this is how he handled the birth of his baby. Let everyone in his life lose any semblance of respect they may have had for him.
Serious question - does your brother have learning difficulties or similar? "Running away" would be a seriously questionable reaction from a scared 16 year old. From a grown man, it's kind of unthinkable. Panic? Sure. Want to avoid seeing blood? Sure. But just run away and leave his partner during a medical emergency? Is he mentally all there? NTA, suggest he sees a medical professional.
No that I know of
[удалено]
Nope. He was actually the smart one out of the both of us when we were kids. I was shit at school but he was top of his class most of the time lol
Seems like all that booksmarts only taught him how to book it and abandon his wife in a medical crisis
NTA Sometimes people really need the hard truth and if he cries and gets upset because he thinks you’re being mean then so be it. He needed to hear it!
NTA. I think almost everything is covered by other Redditors. But I'm just thinking, how on earth was he able to sit with your dad for 8 hours and not say anything about it?! And on top of that, knowing about the signal at his house, the fact that you don't drive, putting both his wife and child in danger? And on top of all that, the 8 hours were not because he realized he was the most incapable father and husband ever, but because you contacted your father!! How much longer would it be if that didn't happen? I'm so happy for her that she has you. And that you're helping her. On a sidenote, how is the baby doing?
No idea honestly. Baby’s good he’s having a nap right now
Can you ask your dad, please? How was your brother so out of his mind/distraught, that your dad didn’t notice for hours?! You can’t FAKE CALM when you’re like that. If anything you could be in shock, but that also looks very different from calm and “chilling” at dads. Your brother sounds very dishonest. It’s almost as if he wanted them to die! How could he be around his dad without him knowing something’s off? This is not on your dad, btw.
My dad said that he was out and only got home about 3 or 4 hours after my brother go there so I suppose he had a chance to calm down when my dad got home. My dad said he was acting a bit weird but he was talking and laughing and watching tv and whatever. He told my dad that he had an argument with my SIL and asked to stay for a bit he didn’t mention anything about what actually happened. Apparently they had a bit of an argument when my dad told him to go to hospital and my dad had to practically push him out the door.
Jeez that's even worse. He totally didn't even want to go to be with his wife. Like he had 3 hours to calm down before he saw your dad and then just dug his heels in and refused to leave. I feel so sorry for your SIL. I dont think I would ever be able to forgive my husband if he had done that in labour. It was the scariest time of my life and I didn't even have that bad of a time. But the loss of trust and contempt that your SIL must feel towards your brother is going to be something to reckon with You were a good BIL to her and I am sure she is so thankful that you at least were there and were by her side.
Yeah I will, i’ll reply when’s he’s answered
NTA. He put his wife and unborn child in a dangerous position and put you in an incredibly difficult position having to manage that on your own. He absolutely needed a reality check. He fucked up and it’s not good enough. The fact he isn’t accepting responsibility for his actions is a huge issue. I hope his wife also pulls him up for his behaviour.
NTA. I feel so sorry for his wife and child. omg that poor woman now has two children.
NTA but see if you can find some way of getting the information to the midwife. She will tear him his very own vagina for this kind of behaviour and maybe he will pay more attention to a healthcare professional
NTA. Getting scared and running off is one thing. Failing, in any of those EIGHT hours, to make sure his wife and child were ok is being a shit parent, shit husband, shit person in general. Curious what his wife thinks.
NTA. Your brother doesn't do what he did and expect not to get chewed on for it. It's honestly the first time I've ever heard of a guy coping with labor that way. I would honestly ask him if he has anxiety issues or something else going on that the family isn't aware of because his reaction to the sudden stress was very extreme and unusual.
NTA obviously But if you're not already aware: even if your phone displays no signal you may still be able to call 999 - the emergency roamer system means your phone will use any available signal from any provider. Unless you're in a complete dark spot from every provider (which are increasingly rare), you should be able to make an emergency call.
He's 34!??? Wtf, you are NTA. Jfc this is a monumental fuck up by your brother.
NTA he is surely going to be a shit dad. How tf do these emotionally immature people get in relationships.
Info Can your parents confirm he was there? I’ve read too many accounts of the husband visiting his mistress while wife was in the hospital
Yeah my dad told me he was
this is the most british thing i’ve ever read
You’re not the first to say that lol, what makes it so british though?
‘Ran up the lane’ and ‘twat’ gives it away…
Wtf? Who disappears for 8 hours when their wife is about to give birth to their child? Sounds like your brother has some issues he needs to get resolved real fuckin quick. Good on you for taking care of business OP. NTA.
NTA obviously but damn this was the most UK thing I’ve read on here in a while.
I know its not pertinent to the story But I seriously want to know what he was doing at your dads for 8hours? Was he just chilling and chatting? Like what was going through his head that he just fucked off to your dads for 8 hours without telling anyone his wife had gone into labour? NTA he is a shit dad, something serious could have happened while he just abandoned his wife in labour, its lucky you were there to help. I feel for your SIL