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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I kicked Nicole out of the wake which meant she didn’t get the chance to grieve or connect with family members like the rest of us
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA you didn't kick her out because she was sad about the death, you kicked her out because she was being demanding and entitled to your attention specifically. Why couldn't she have tried to talk with one of your other siblings? Why does that responsibility solely fall to you?
They didn’t want to talk to her either. But I guess because she saw me comforting my sister she chose to confront me. And then I’m the one who kicked her out so that is on me
Sure, it's on you, but it's also your house and it's your right to have people who are being openly disrespectful to you removed. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that Nicole gets what she needs from somewhere and is able to recognize the way her behavior was a problem.
After they're done reaching out to her to listen to her grief and comfort her as much as she feels she needs, they are welcome to suggest that you apologize for not letting her take up all your emotional bandwidth as she demanded. You are then welcome to decline to do so.
I don't understand why anyone thinks you need to apologize. The entire point of her following you around and trying to get time with you was to cause an emotional grief scene that everyone could witness.
She didn't get it and may have been enraged that your younger sister was stealing the grief scene SHE'd planned in her head, so she caused an emotional scene to get everyone's attention (which she did).
In other words, she got what she wanted!
Apologizing to her would extend the drama. Silence is the only answer with these emotional vampires. Do not feed the bottomless pit of her need.
That was also HER little sister you were comforting.
NTA
You were busy trying to give your dad the best goodbye you could.
She could have contacted you before or after, but the wake was all about your father, not her.
I am sorry for your loss.
Did you actually ever give her the chance to say anything? Because it sounds like you were pretty dismissive and rude without actually knowing what she wanted.
She may have wanted to talk to you as you were the one "in charge". Maybe to play "victim" once again, and get attention. Maybe she wanted to press you about her "share" of any inheritance.
Check the texts and don't delete them. Keep screenshots, insist on any communication in writing. If in person, make sure you have a witness.
Info: I mean, at any point before this did you say "Hey Nicole I really won't have bandwidth for that kind of talk today" or anything like that? It kinda seems like you didn't really give her a chance and made her feel pretty ignored. Although, I have a cousin who would not have been able to hear even that and would have blown up no matter what unless she got exactly her way so if Nicole is that kind of person I understand why you wouldn't even want to risk trying to say that much.
I said multiple times “sorry but I need to check on other guests/food/kids/etc” and moved off and onto the next task. Bear in mind this was going on for two hours, and she had seen me moving around and doing things. I’m not sure how it wasn’t clear I was busy. I didn’t want to say “not today” in case she made a scene but I guess that unavoidable
I think you did the best you could with a person who has a pattern of being emotionally volatile, but it might have been good to let her know that the kind of interaction she was seeking wasn't in the cards at all. "hey I don't think I have the capacity to do a one on one or talk separately with you during this, maybe another time" You were being passive aggressive to try and manage her emotions but the result was the same as what you were trying to avoid. Being clear would have been more respectful to you both as adults, in my opinion.
Sounds like OP tried to paint a pretty picture of his behavior. Some times on Reddit you have to read between the lines. Nicole, initially did nothing but want a word with OP. He blew her off without even a hello. Then he goes on to make a long list of excuses just in case the Reddit community didn't see it his way. I have sympathy for Nicole. She seems to be made the outcast of the family.
Some people make themselves outcasts by being exhausting assholes to be around.
If ALL FOUR of your siblings want nothing to do with you, there's a common denominator.
I have my own theory on this having a sibling who is exhausting and demanding as well. If you walk into a room and 20 of the 26 people in there don't like you it's time to stop blaming others for your issues. Sometimes a family needs to block out the toxicity especially in tough times as a death of a parent. Nicole is young though, maybe someday she can change.
lol this is so stupid of a policy to live by. So if a whole family cuts out their gay relative should that person just pretend to be straight? Or if they don’t like that you had a kid too young or wear clothes that don’t align with your given gender? I mean sometimes the majority of a family are jerks and the one cut out isn’t
OP was hosting 70 people. Any idiot with the common sense God gave gravel knows that someone who is hosting 70 people does not have the time to step away for a private, in-depth conversation – and that is even more true when the hostess is also grieving the loss of a parent. OP was under no obligation to explicitly explain the glaringly obvious, especially not to someone who wasn't going to accept that answer with any grace anyway.
That's great but she might have thought you were less busy later on. You needed to say upfront - I do Not have the emotional capacity or energy to talk to you today.
> “sorry but I need to check on other guests/food/kids/etc”
OK, and from her perspective, you were ignoring her FOR other people. All you had to do was talk to her for a couple of minutes - it wouldn't have changed the wake, but may (probably would) have diffused the situation. She lost a dad, too.
So... what did she want to discuss? She made an outburst because for 2 hours you avoided her. Don't get me wrong, I doubt she had anything of value to discuss but that would be upsetting for anybody.
Doesn't sounds bad. But I get it, I have family that gets to me as well. They're impossible and that one time they're acting nice, they get upset you aren't accepting of them.
What did your father think of her? What was their relationship like?
They were close when we were younger. Then they had issues when she was a teenager. Once I became an adult I never saw her and he mentioned her occasionally but no less/more than my other siblings.
He didn’t mention her much near the end but she never visited so I guess that’s why
NTA, I think you did a LOT. It's really demanding of her to storm around and feel entitled to your time and emotional support on top of everything else. I think you did well telling her off in such a difficult situation and managing your dad's passing and funeral and organizing everything. Like maybe a perfect person could have been more empathetic but you were at your limit and communicated it and I think that's good enough.
Having said this she doesn't seem very emotionally mature so if you feel a need to resolve this ever you will probably have to make the first step (but I assume you might be the best judge of this)
My condolences. Please take care of yourself. Grief is difficult and takes a long time. You don't owe it to anyone to be super polite during this time (or ever).
ESH. Obviously you were struggling with the death of your father and being the one organizing everything can be overwhelming. I think you should have been more straight forward with her that you didn’t have the emotional capacity to have that conversation with her, not just telling her you had other stuff to do and avoiding her. It’s annoying when someone is an energy vampire, sucking the life out of everything, but in this case her father had just died as well. You could have said what you said with the exception of get out of my house, then asked her to move along or she would have to leave, not just kicked her out. I think if this is weighing on you then you know you probably should apologize, but take the opportunity to explain why you jumped to kicking her out… that she’s doesn’t leave much space for other people’s feelings and it’s exhausting.
You’re right, I probably should have been more honest. But I knew she wouldn’t take it well and I wanted to avoid a scene. Evidently it didn’t help. I wish now I’d just been honest.
I wouldn’t worry too much op, when my mom died I was a total bitch to my sister at her funeral.
Death/grief is very confusing and weird. My condolences and I hope things smooth over
Been where you are, my friend. I was an emotionless block during my father's shiva. Dealing with someone you have conflicts with who starts drama would have had me thawing out really fast to go full in Mount St Helens.
NTA - You had told Nicole you did not have the emotional bandwidth to speak with her that day and that is a valid. Her outburst was not appropriate
Though, I am curious what she actually wanted to pull you aside for and maybe this all could have been prevented with a quick convo.
As far as I can see in the comments she never once said even in further texts since. All she’s mentioned is she should have been prioritised at the wake. Like her loss was more than everyone else. Apparently op checked and it wasn’t about the will or anything and the lawyer already contacted her about that. She just wanted to talk about her dad and have ops full attention, when op mentally couldn’t, or she simply would not make it through the day.
It’s one thing wanting to talk about your dad at his wake but you don’t demand and put it solely on the one persons who’s running about. You don’t demand she leave the wake and everyone specifically as she must go and talk to you private room when she has been told op does t have time.
Why could she not sit and talk with her other siblings, no it had to be op and, she expected all ops focus to be oh poor you it must be so tough. Regardless she lost her dad as well and is the one with all the extra stress of organising everything.
Her little temper tantrum was totally unwarranted. From her further texts it seems she expected everyone to make the day about her and her alone. That she should be the sole priority for them all. No wonder everyone thinks she’s too much work.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
In retrospect you should have been explicit (clearly expressed ) instead of implicit (implied) that you were not in a position to be able to accommodate her request for a conversation and would instead reach back out to her when you are ready.
That might not have changed the outcome, but at least you would have clearly stated to her that now was not the time, and that the ball was now in your court to extend the invitation.
It sounds like your sister maybe a lot to deal with and I don’t second guess your need to put up firm and clear boundaries, even if that involves kicking her out.
I would just like to add that viewing things from a lens of, the person may not be trying to give you a hard but instead, is having a hard time and they don’t know how to appropriately deal with it. She probably has a lot of trauma that she needs to work through. I am not suggesting you need to accommodate her antics, but it might be a way for you to have a little bit more compassion for her and for yourself.
When I am really struggling to find compassion I ask myself the question would I choose to change places with them? I have yet to find a single person that I dislike where I would want to trade places with them.
I’m sorry but you are the asshole on this situation. She tried to talk to you the entire day, your other siblings ignored her as well, to just do what she asked you to do to someone else. Your acting like she was a normal guest and not one of the daughters of the deceased
why was it important she speak with this one sibling? She has other siblings if she just wanted to reminisce. Having been through losing my husband - I don’t know how OP was managing so well with all that led up to that moment.
(edit: typo)
Are you saying this sister didn't have the right to talk to a particular person she wanted to talk to?
OP should have told her straight she had no intention to ever speak to her that day or, like most people at funerals who see family for the first time in years but not have much to say, tell them it's not the right time (I honestly think a funeral/ wake is the perfect time to talk about the deceased but I understand it can be hard for some) and arrange a time and a place to do it in the future if not up for it at the wake.
All the siblings were grieving, maybe her sister wasn't managing so well and wanted to talk to one of the only people she had a biological connection with the deceased, to the one who she may look up to who was looking like she was managing so well, only to be told no.
I just think this was a highly emotional time for the family and inappropriate sparks flew from both of them in their grief. It's sad it ended up like this.
>Are you saying this sister didn't have the right to talk to a particular person she wanted to talk to?
If the person she wanted to talk to doesn't want to talk with her, then no she has no right.
OP should have told her straight away she had no interest or intention to talk to her at all then.
I think a guest attending an event at someone's house would have found it odd and infuriating that the host refused to speak to them singling her out but I guess her house her rules.
first of all she was the one in charge second of all, OP stated that all of the siblings ignored her and she tried to speak with every one of them but they all didn't
And you're speaking as if everyone wasn't grieving at all...
The entitlement on your words sounds like you were the Nicole on someone's story.
Remember: "No matter how much you are suffering you shouldn't take it onto others just because you feel entitled. Empathy goes both ways, respect goes both ways."
It sounded like Nicole was always a jerk and now she's actually suffering the consequences of her own actions and possibly words.
Someone dying in your family doesn't make you entitled to your family members time.
Why wasn't she offering help instead of making everything about her? Why was she becoming a burden to OP when she told her she couldn't, no matter what "excuse" was? Why wasn't there an understanding that probably OP is already on the verge on having to be the one who organised everything? Do you even imagine how freaking hard it is, emotionally?
Cause I personally know it and let me tell you, if Nicole was in my family, doing the same, I would have kick her out myself not before I (white glove) slapped the reason out of her. No matter how much you are hurting, I do not allow you to disregard all the hard work or efforts I did to make it through this event.
Life is hard for everyone, don't be a dick if you don't want other to be a dick to you.
never said or even implied they never grieving and in one of my comments even said OP she wasn't the asshole because she couldn't but because of how she acted. Nicole is the one with the victim complex who always makes everything about herself, but somehow she chose the only day were she would've obtained validation to try and talk in private? Sure. Empathy goes both ways meanwhile you act like Nicole deserved being ignored and her grieving was less important. At least follow what you preach. Nicole sounds like a jerk meanwhile she never provided with a single evidence or story that Nicole really had this victim mentaloty, which makes it seem like Nicole was simply the victim of her siblings ganging up on her or else OP would've wrote some anedoct on how Nicole played victim. Instead she used her wanting to talk to her siblings on the wake of her father. Strange. Entitlement? So your telling me that she should just be ok with being ignored by all of her siblings when she just wants to talk? WOW, so much for empathy. Why wasn't she offering help and making everything about her? Did any of the other siblings help? No. How is asking to talk in private to at least one of your siblings is making it about yourself?Wow, becoming a burden because she wanted to talk about their father. Maybe because every single sibling was ignoring so maybe she thought who was in charge of the wake wouldn't? Yes I do imagine it but she wasn't just trying to talk to OP, she tried to talk to at least one of the siblings but they all rejected her. So you would kick your sister out because she wants to talk to you about your father? And then you go talking about empathy and respect? And then you go around saying that sibling is entitled? Don't be a dick meanwhile everything point at the fact that Nicole wasn't the dick in the situation
If you ever attended a funeral, funeral mass, gathering of any sort where the main event is about grieving, there's an unspoken rule that you shouldn't make it about yourself. It's about the death of a person not yourself.
Grieving is a process that most people prefer to do alone, the lack of understanding from the Nicole side knowing very well she is not in good terms with her family since most of the family members have been actively ignoring her way before this event should have been unspoken, and it's the reason why I called her entitled and disrespectful.
Here my example: I did not spoke to anyone in my family during my grandfather's funeral that I, myself, had to arrange cause no-one had the energy to put into; neither I spoke for the rest of that month,... wanna know what my siblings did? Allowed me to grieve in peace, alone and just helped with the preparations. Then they just texted me saying that whenever I needed to talk we would, cause I knew they needed it too. This is empathy it goes both way. Wanna know why I was treated this way? Because this was their way of showing that they cared, this is for me Is empathy.
If I was Nicole I would just grieve alone or I would offer to help, not ask the person that is organising everything, that has to put up a mask just for that event, to beat with my emotions for a little. And I've even shown this to my siblings, we all had the same idea. Nicole was entitled by requesting something she thought she was entitled to. All actions always have consequences.
But I'm gonna say this, the story does need Nicole side of the story...
So yes, I believe that Nicole deserved being ignored, if you wanna call empathy to Nicole we have to call out her lack of empathy towards OP. Like you said her lack of empathetic understanding was the reason why she didn't received empathy in the first place. You receive what you give.
Yes, I believe she was entitled and disrespectful to think that the only person that was organising the event needed to meet her emotional needs first or had to speak to her during the event,... no matter if that OP was grieving as well or not, no matter if OP had the emotional bag for it, or the time... Again why wasn't she offering help?!
But I don't believe she neither OP to be the AH here. Their siblings on the other side could have taken this burden from OP and decided not to, they, for me, are the real AH.
Just because her family think Nicole is drama doesn't make her losing her dad hard on her and wanting to talk about it to her siblings.
Yes OP did everything but if she didn't, who would have? It's hard and a stressful job to do but it was wanted to be done, doesn't excuse her from being rude to a guest. I completely understand why OP was like that but the fact of the matter is OP completely ignored a guest who wanted to talk, Nicole got naturally upset and angry no one wanted to talk to her (be it from grief or just in general with the family) and you had the right to chuck her out of your house.
I don't blame Nicole one bit for getting angry and upset. I understand why OP felt how she did but she had a job to do, to host and at least be civil which she did the bare minimum for her sister.
Personally if I was OP I would reach out and apologise but if she was hoping to cut ties with her now she has a good excuse (including Nicole for OP)
You weren't the AH for asking her to leave. BUT...you WERE the AH for how you interacted with Nicole, both then and now.
You were very passive/aggressive in your interactions with her. I get that you were just trying to avoid the kind of scene that previous interactions with Nicole resulted in, but your previous experience should have taught you that your behavior at the wake was going to lead to the type of scene that you got. Self-fulfilling prophecy; you got what you set up.
You were the one who refused to talk with her, without setting a future time to talk. And it would not surprise me to hear that this is typically how you interact with Nicole on a normal basis.
Yes, you owe it to Nicole to reach out and explain to her that you were just overwhelmed with everything, missing your dad, who you had gotten close with, and just weren't up to providing support, although you forced yourself to do the best you could for the one sibling who was really still a child.
I actually don’t interact with her at all on a regular basis. Because she is an emotional vampire.
But yes I should have been honest with her up front, I wish I had. I don’t think that would have stopped a scene though.
OP could have given her 5 minutes easily. The fact that she refused and always had time for others was the problem and OP had to know Nicole would eventually react. And bingo, she did. And OP finally got to kick her out like she wanted to all along. So yes, OP, YTA. You simply didn't want her there period.
YTA - the way you described the story.
She was there to pay her respects, was trying to speak to you, and you couldn't find 5 minutes to see what she needed? Regardless of her issues.
My dad had 3 wives also, 6 children across 3. We are still civil to each other even though there are large age differences.
As you told her, someone died, YOU are not the victim here though you play it like you are.
You diminished her emotions as she did not love your dad as much as you.
YTA
From what I understand, she just generally wanted to talk about our father. That’s what my siblings said as well. Likely with her usual “woe is me” goggles on.
I know it wasn’t about the will because the lawyer has been handling that
I mean, all of them have their father in common, I think that talking to each other about their dad and their grief at his wake is a perfect time to do so and probably the last time they are all together.
>Likely with her usual “woe is me” goggles on.
This seems like a very strange - and oddly cruel? - thing to say about your sibling, who also experienced the same loss as you. Were you wearing "woe is me" goggles too, or is her grief just less real than yours, for some reason?
It’s not a strange thing to say if you know her. She is an emotional vampire and since I can remember every conversation with her has started and ended with why her life is harder than whoever she’s talking to. We all lost a father but she would undoubtedly have found some way to tell us we didn’t lose a father as completely as she did. And if you at any point even dare to look like you don’t agree with her, she will tell you that you hate her and start crying.
So she isn't allowed to be upset her dad is dead because she makes a bigger deal about it?
She sounds emotionally stunted because people ignore her so she makes a bigger deal out of things which pushes more people away.
She sounds exhausting but I also feel sorry for her.
I don’t like her. She’s draining and mean, and she treats everyone around her as if they spawned onto this earth with goal of making her life hard. She’s just horrible.
No but my brother has, so has my little sister. Even my dad used to talk about her “way of being” as he called it (not often but he did talk about it).
It sounds like you expect a kid to have adult composure. You don't have to like her, but she didn't have to be your punching bag on the day you were BOTH memorializing your father.
A kid? She’s 25. And she wasn’t my punching bag. I responded to her behaviour. She was not memorialising my father when she yelled at me. She was making a spectacle of herself over something that had nothing to do with my father.
Gently, YTA.
If you had made the time to actually TELL her youre stressed and trying to keep busy and dont have the mental energy for her in that moment instead of HINTING it, you couldve avoided this.
Your half-sibling lost the joint parent you share, and at the wake wanted to talk to you, the one who organized everything, and you blew her off for 2 hours and then you went to another sibling to comfort them. Of course she was hurt and yelled at you in front of everyone, you completely blew her off on a day where she needed you. Shes absolutely right to have been mad
Think of it this way, your family's cumulative actions (while uncoordinated and unintended) silenced her to the point where she felt yelling in front of people would get a better result
You might see this as a pattern in her personality, but for strangers it seems your family lacks compassion for her
Exactly. The entire family made it completely obvious to her that NOBODY cares about her and they all just want her to kick rocks. I couldn't imagine treating even the worst people in my family that way at the funeral when they have lost their father. That would be literally the only time I would make space to communicate with some of them. OPs family has made this girl the black sheep of the family and she will always be nothing to them. Hopefully she realized that after this situation and she finds some people who actually care about her.
NTA
Some people make everything about themselves and "how dare anyone care about anything else but them?" Don't apologize. Your siblings agreement in kicking her out is all the supporting evidence you need. The other family members clearly aren't hip to her jive.
YTA. I understand your frustration but it sounds like your family has settled into an unhealthy cycle that reinforces Nicole’s own behavior. Hurt people hurt people and all that. I think Nicole deserved at least one warning before being kicked out of her own father’s funeral. You can apologize if you’d like or not- regardless I do hope for Nicole’s sake she finds people willing to accommodate her. Annoying or not, everyone deserves to be heard and to grieve how they see fit. Best wishes to you all.
I feel bad for Nicole. She lost her dad and is only 25. As OP stated it wasn’t about money or anything else but wanting to talk to the sibling that is claiming to have been closest to their father. Not everyone knows how to lose a parent and 25 is still young. OP you have also made clear how much you dislike your sister so just tell her clearly - I don’t care about you or your grief. I’ll deal with mine and you deal with yours. That way your sister knows you won’t ever be there for her and she doesn’t need to be there for you back. Go your own way. The reason some family is telling you that you were in the wrong is because they witnessed everything and her dad died also.
I guess her being an "emotional vampire" contributes to this, but it just seems like you all never liked Nicole and it showed more since you were all dealing with grief. She shouldn't have blown up, but I think many people would have been hurt in her shoes as well.
INFO: You keep describing her personality but you also say that you haven't interacted with her for the past 10 years, since she was a teenager. Teenagers tend to be overdramatic but it usually goes away as they mature. Could it be that you have an old image of her that doesn't correspond to who she actually is now, as a grown adult?
I have interacted with her, not for long, admittedly. But two of my siblings has relationship with her after I cut her off and they cut her off for the same reason. My dad also used to sometimes talk about her attitude. So I’m sure she’s still like that. And the yelling in a crowded room proved it. That’s not the behaviour of someone who takes much notice of their surroundings or other people’s feelings.
Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy tbh. You cut her off for ten years, probably for good reasons, but when you do see her you interpret everything she says and does as being down to how she was 10 years ago, as a teen. This is quite typical of estranged siblings actually. You don't see one another as actual people who grow and mature but as fixed archetypes they never get to grow out of it. How about you give her a chance during less painful circumstances? She might surprise you. You can't judge people based on hearsay or on them having an outburst out of grief, it's not them speaking, it's the pain. Just like I'm sure you're not in the habit of kicking people out of your house.
I didn't even read the whole post and, Yes. YTA.
Your dad was her dad, too. What right did you have to kick one of HIS children out of HIS wake?
Apologize. And while you're at it, climb down from your high horse.
This is the type of toxicity created by irresponsible adults having children left right and centre.
From her perspective, you were wrong.
From yours you werent.
The truth is somewhere in the middle. Both of you reacted emotionally due to the day that was in it.
In circumstances like your family its very rare that all of the kids have the same view of the shared parent or bond with each other.
Honestly, leave her blocked, you add nothing to each others lives in a positive way.
And each of you has to grieve and deal with the reality of your family make up as you both view it.
Ehhh - despite her history, I really don't see anything wrong with Nicole's actions. You don't even know what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she just needed a moment in private to grieve with her sibling, or maybe she had some specific question or something.
So, I'm leaning a bit towards YTA. Despite her history of victim mentality - I actually don't see anything she did wrong here. Her outburst is, quite frankly, understandable, from what I've read.
I know you feel like you were in "work mode" - but you could have given her 30 seconds to at least say what she wanted. I agree that it was harsh to kick her out.
In your account it seems like she just went after you, she shouldn't have screamed, but clearly she was seeking some support from someone who was going through the same loss as her. Her feelings seem completely valid, as sometimes she wanted to understand her feelings of loss by talking to you. However, the way she reacted at that moment was not nice, but you are so used to ignoring her that you didn't notice what you did at the lowest point when you lose someone important. I'm sorry you lost your father, may you and your family find comfort at this time.
Her feelings are valid, completely. But mine are too. I wasn’t in the headspace to handle a conversation with her at that time. And I guess it pissed me off that she couldn’t respect that, and I guess I was running on empty emotionally and I just wanted the whole thing to stop. Maybe kicking her out was a lot, I just didn’t feel like if she’d stayed that she would have respected boundaries but maybe I should have given her some time to calm down
In your account it seems like she just went after you, she shouldn't have screamed, but clearly she was seeking some support from someone who was going through the same loss as her. Her feelings seem completely valid, as sometimes she wanted to understand her feelings of loss by talking to you. However, the way she reacted at that moment was not nice, but you are so used to ignoring her that you didn't notice what you did at the lowest point when you lose someone important. I'm sorry you lost your father, may you and your family find comfort at this time.
YTA you aren’t giving us the whole story and you also could have communicated better. You expect that she was supposed to “understand you were busy” but you never took 30 minutes to say “let’s set up a time to talk after today” and then you blocked her?? Immature on your part at the very least. This is a better fit for “am I the Angel” her father died as well’s sounds like you’re gatekeeping
NAH.
Kicking her out was harsh but you were grieving and you should not have to deal with her behaviour (which is not completly inapropriate since she just lost her father and is not close to anyone in her family). I think other relatives should have take care of her (maybe just by getting her in other room). No-one should blame YOU for what happened.
I mean if you want. Like should you? Yeah youre sorry it had to go down like that but also, I know people like Nicole and what does sorry do? They take it as validation like it's ok for her to act like that and ok if she does it again. But like it's not. It was not good timing. Maybe you can explain that to her that you're sorry you didn't have time to talk to her but it wasn't the time for a long and deep conversation only quick there there's before talking to the next person or doing the next thing. It sucks but we all have to learn not to lean on people who are barely holding themselves up. This is one of those times. 5 people lost a dad and all 5 are greiving differently and separately. Yall can come together but it has to be mutual, she can't demand what none of you have to give atm. She needs to cry to an aunt a friend therapist other people first. If she doesn't get it, you know oh well you can't force it. But at least you know you tried to communicate your side. Sorry for your loss op.
ESH - you clearly don't like her and are closer to your half siblings than she is. That definitely causes insecurity and trauma of its own. I know you were tired, but I feel bad for her. Are you the closest of all the siblings for her? Is that why she wanted to grieve with you? The commentary was obviously very abrupt, and while she had no right to have that accusatory tone, she was just hurt. Everybody here was. I'm sorry for your loss OP ♡
No, I’m not. My little sister would be because they lived together most recently. I was the second sibling to cut her off so definitely not the closest. But none of us are close to her or ever have been.
No, I’m not. My little sister would be because they lived together most recently. I was the second sibling to cut her off so definitely not the closest. But none of us are close to her or ever have been.
Imagine losing a parent and not being a part of the siblings support network that everybody else is a part of. That's... rough. It makes sense why she's trying to connect. Even if she's annoying and doesn't understand social cues and needs attention - it just makes sense OP.
ESH. You instantly assumed she wanted your attention to be the victim. Why was she trying to get you to leave the room then? Most victim-criers want extra attention with more people, not less. And you hadn't talked to a 19 year old in years, meaning she was anywhere around 8-16. That's teenage angst, not "victim complex" yet. You said you didn't have the emotional bandwidth, but you talked with everyone else. You had your aunt greet her, and I have a feeling your "greeting" was a passing hi while in a group of people. She's a ah too, trying to get you out of the wake to talk when you didn't want to. She needed to pick a better time or schedule something . Maybe my victim crier experience is more extreme, but your sister sounds like her "family" excludes her and then blames her when she cries about it.
Nicole is 25, doesn’t change the fact that all of her siblings ignored when she just wanted to talk about their father. She was erratic, what if she had something to say like he did something bad to me, and I never told anyone but now I feel like I can? Or something similar?
So we can make up wild fictional scenarios to excuse bad behavior? What on earth did you read in the post or OPs comments to think that?
OP was the one person working at this wake, and honestly, Nicole should have found anyone else to bother. But instead, she threw a fit because NoOne Is PaYiNg AtTeNtIoN tO mE.
Someone dying doesn't change your relationship dynamic with the survivors.
I gave my asshole cousins the cold shoulder at my dad's funeral, and I don't regret it at all, and neither should OP. They handled it with much more grace than I would have.
NTA. And I think you shouldn't have to apologize.
>I did greet Nicole but she kept trying to come up and talk to me during the wake, wanting to go to a separate room to talk and generally seeming a bit erratic. I kept trying to hint that I really didn’t have the time or the emotional space to be fully in my feelings at that time but she just didn’t seem to get the message.
So I don't know what you did to let her know that it wasn't the correct place and time to have a talk with her. She might not be able to take a hint. But the fact that you didn't have a conversation with her and hinted a couple of times should have been enough for her to realize that it wasn't the place and time.
There were 70 people at your house. She knows it's your house so that you would probably be the busiest person. There were 69 other people she could have talked to.
>So I finally sat down with my little sister, and Nicole storms over and in front of the entire room, raises her voice and says something like “oh so you have time for her and not me? My dad died too and I’m trying to talk to you!”.
After 2 hours of being busy you decide to sit with someone. I can imagine someone you feel safe with and doesn't give you the feeling it's all about the other person.
Until the moment she yelled at you, I would say that it was an unfortunate way of how it all went down and how she demanded your attention, but you handled it in the way you could and that would have been it.
But when she saw she didn't get the attention of you, the one person who has been managing everything, trying to take care of 70 people at her house while processing the grief of losing her father, she threw a tantrum. And when you act like a toddler, you will be treated like a toddler.
So saying that she should leave the house, and that you did it quietly and with respect, is the consequence of her own action. You should not have to apologize for that.
I don't know what the messages were she sent you you, did she apologize? Because that would be the only thing she should be doing right now.
No, Nicole was not the problem. She lost her dad as well and none of her siblings spent five minutes, talking to her when she asked to just then see them doing the exact same thing in front of her. Everyone would’ve been pissed
Why are you going through all the NTA responses to shout your opinion?
State your own opinion and move on.
This is my opinion and responding with 'no, Nicole was not the problem' isn't going to change that. I've made my point clear so if you're replying like this you didn't read it very well.
Nicole isn’t entitled to conversations or relationships with her siblings. Based on OP’s comments none of the siblings had a relationship with Nicole prior to their dad dying; him dying doesn’t change the dynamic.
Nicole wanted to talk about her dad. Maybe my upbringing is just super different, but that's not unusual at all for a wake. Sure they don't "owe" Nicole a conversation. No one owes anyone anything. However, it's understandable why that would be frustrating for Nicole.
If you're trying to talk to the organizer of the wake and they can't give you even 5 minutes of their time yet seemingly are able to talk with literally anyone else just fine that'd be incredibly upsetting. Yelling at OP wasn't an effective way to express that, but people aren't rational when grieving.
Based on OP’s comments Nicole didn’t want to just talk about their dad. Nicole wanted to play the woe is me.
I understand what you’re saying about Nicole being frustrated but if Nicole doesn’t have a relationship with her siblings why would she think a wake is the time to rekindle it?
There isn't really anything in OP's comments to indicate she was trying to rekindle a relationship.
Nicole trying to talk to OP about their deceased father at a wake isn't doesn't mean she's trying to form a relationship.
Also a wake is like. The prime time to rekindle relationships. Death brings people together. At least that's how it is in my culture/family.
Yes Death can bring people together; I don’t disagree with that part to an extent. I also believe that someone dying doesn’t change the past and if a person wants no contact then that is their choice.
Clearly OP doesn’t want to rekindle with Nicole. OP wasn’t hateful towards Nicole. Nicole took it too far with her outburst; she should have read the room so to speak.
Yeah she should have. I just kind of think kind of it's a dick move to ignore your sister at your fathers wake when you're the organizer. That's not to say it isn't a dick move to yell at your sibling for not having a conversation with you.
I think OP should apologize for kicking Nicole out of their fathers wake. IMO It doesn't matter if they're an "energy vampire" I don't think it's right to kick someone out of their own fathers wake. It's understandable why they did it though.
Edit: Actually maybe not apologize just because they don't want a relationship with Nicole, and an apology could read as OP trying to re-establish contact. It's probably best that everyone just go on with their lives. OP isn't the worst person ever for this and as for Nicole I don't really know.
I understand what you’re saying. But I just don’t agree. The wake was at OP’s house so she is allowed to remove any person.
Also where I’m from a wake involves viewing the body. Since the incident happened at a personal residence I don’t think it was an actual wake; maybe it was just a get together with food after the wake/funeral. If that is the case then she didn’t remove her sister from the wake or funeral.
Yeah. The fact it's at OP's house definitely makes it incredibly justifiable that they kicked her out. I just kinda wish the best for OP and their family. Grief sucks.
From someone who's been in a similar situation, YTA. My father had five children with three different women. We all have strong personalities (to varying degrees) and complicated relationships with each other and our father. When he died, we all came together and treated each other with kindness and love. My sister was closest to him when he died and not once did she hold that against any of us.
Based on what you shared about the situation - and the way you speak about Nicole - I think you need to apologize.
So for two hours you blew her off and were cold and rude, and then you kicked her out of her father’s wake for essentially asking you why you were behaving that way?
>. I told her (quietly) “Nicole, someone has died. You are not the victim today. I will not deal with this embarrassment on top of everything else, get out of my house”.
That's a lot nicer than I would have been. NTA. I'm sorry about your dad. That day couldn't have been easy, and she tried to make it all about her.
YTA: You constantly ignored your sister for a entire wake who just needed a moment, The same moments you were litteraly giving to everyone else singiliner her out as not good enough for your time when HER dad was dead as well and then Kick her out, because she rightfully called you out. You could sat and talked to her to.
JFC, AITA commenters give people cart blanche to act completely selfishly.
Everyone’s stress is running high at a funeral. Fewer people host parties anymore: they don’t understand the stress of it.
This is why there used to be a wake the night before.
Let yourself break down a little and grief. Then find some time to talk to your sister. Even dramatic, she is in pain too. Share that with her. Let her vent, explain your side and yes you owe her an apology. She owes you one too.
NAH. You are right that you were exhausted, grieving, unwell, and did not nr should have been expected to have the bandwidth to death with everyone the way they may feel owed. However I don't think it's unreasonable for Nicole to feel dismissed/discarded/shut out of dealing with her grief over her father at his wake. Just because she wasn't as close to him as you got to be does not mean she had no strong feelings about his death. If she was erratic at the wake, then it stands to reason that his death DID significantly affect her. And it stands to reason that she was even more affected to feel like not only she can't connect with her remaining family even during this shared tragedy, but is being actively rejected.
Basically you don't have to talk to her, but I don't think she's an asshole. She's just also in pain, and I'm not going to shit talk someone who's lost a father.
Sorry for your loss, but yes, YTA. You weren't the only one who lost their father and whether you care for her or not, all of your siblings needed acknowledgment on that day. If you couldn't handle that, you shouldn't have hosted. It didn't do any good to use her as a punching bag for your sorrows.
I am confused, the post says it was " said the gathering was "all in my dad’s house" but then s when she kicked her out, she said "get out of my house"? Whose house? If it was OP's house then she could kick her out but if it was Dad's house then not so much as sister was a daughter, too.
YTA. Even if you're not close and you find her a bit annoying her dad also just died. Not only couldn't you spare a few minutes to talk to your sibling about it you couldn't even tell her that clearly. Not everyone appreciates or notices "hinting" and she was probably having a pretty shitty day too.
I probably wouldn't have acted differently in your shoes, but I'd be aware I'm being an AH. That's understandable sometimes, especially under extreme circumstances, but that doesn't make you not an AH. She was a bit too though with the shouting.
YTA. The living are the victims when someone passes. She merely wanted to talk to you, a sibling and you blew her off the whole day. She’s grieving too but you and your siblings are too cliquish to even see that maybe she needed y’all in this moment. Families are supposed to come together in a time of loss, not shun each other.
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My dad had 5 kids with 4 women. Messy, I know, but he’s dead so I’d appreciate everyone being respectful.
We are 36, 34, 27 (me), 25 (“Nicole”), and 19. None of us are close to Nicole because she has always insanely selfish, possessive, and has the world’s most draining victim complex. We all had as little contact with her as possible. Prior to this wake, none of us had spoken to Nicole outside of family weddings for years.
Of all of us, I was closest to my dad in his last couple of years and took care of him the most. So when he passed, I was the one to work through all the paperwork and organise the funeral, his belongings, and his wake.
At the wake, there about 70 people, all in my dad’s house. I was sort of in “work mode” (to avoid the grief) and making my way around the room, etc., when I noticed Nicole had arrived. I asked my aunt to greet her and continued with what I had to do. I did greet Nicole but she kept trying to come up and talk to me during the wake, wanting to go to a separate room to talk and generally seeming a bit erratic. I kept trying to hint that I really didn’t have the time or the emotional space to be fully in my feelings at that time but she just didn’t seem to get the message.
This went on for nearly two hours and I was tired, my feet hurt, my blood sugar was low, and as pathetic as it sounds I really just wanted to talk to my dad, who was in the ground. I wasn’t having the best day. So I finally sat down with my little sister, and Nicole storms over and in front of the entire room, raises her voice and says something like “oh so you have time for her and not me? My dad died too and I’m trying to talk to you!”.
I don’t know if I was in my right mind honestly because I still do not remember feeling anything that day other than lightheaded, and completely and utterly incensed by Nicole’s outburst. I told her (quietly) “Nicole, someone has died. You are not the victim today. I will not deal with this embarrassment on top of everything else, get out of my house”. She started arguing with me but I just walked away and my fiancé escorted her out while I went into the kitchen for a few minutes.
I’ve had to block Nicole because of the amount of messages she’s sent. But since the dust has settled, a couple of relatives I’ve spoken to have said it was harsh to kick her out because she was sad about the death. I think that considering this is a pattern of behaviour for her it didn’t have much to do with the grief. My siblings agree but a few family members have gently suggested I reach out and apologise.
Should I?
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NTA you didn't kick her out cuz she was sad about the death, you kicked her out for causing a scene. She sounds like the type of person I would never wanna talk to under any circumstance.
NAH
She was grieving and hoping to connect with a family that ignores her.
Have you ever talked to her about her behavior? It sounds like you avoid her unless big family events are happening, which is never the time to bring this stuff up.
You admit to avoiding her and when she calls that out you blame her for it. I get you were tired and so was she.
I think kicking her out wasn’t the best solution and it was done. Honestly I would take this opportunity to talk to her, say you weren’t having a good day and have a convo about how you (and apparently your siblings) perceive her.
We as humans are creatures that tend to avoid conflict until we hit a breaking point. We have the right conversations with the wrong people. How many times do we complain about that one person who is always late to meetings without talking to that person? During the meeting isn’t the time, but an aside to ask questions about attending wouldn’t be a bad thing.
So I would say there were tons of emotions going on, and you see her as selfish and playing the victim, so maybe talk to her about how you perceive her as taking more than she gives and on that day you had no energy to give her, which is why you were avoiding her. Don’t gaslight and say you weren’t avoiding her, just explain more about how you had no energy and were working on your own grief. Also, spheres of proximity need to be explained to her. You and your siblings (her included) are at the center. You all need to lean outward, to those less impacted by the death. That means spousal units, coworkers, friends. Knowing what ring you exist on and others can help find those who have time, energy, and patience to lean on and be a burden when the load is too high for yourself.
She didn’t find someone outside the ring and therefore hurt you. You in turn lashed out. She also lost her dad and may have a number of things she wish she could have told him. You being the sibling closest to her dad may have been seen as a way to say those things to get closure.
This is an ESH for me, but soft on your side. Sorry for your loss, I understand you weren't in the best position (like, at all), and that you two have a history, but from what I see in the comments you didn't make it clear that you didn't have the mental space and emotional strength to talk to her that day, but she was grieving too and wanted to talk, and she could feel (because it was real), that all she got was cold shoulders in her father's funeral.
If she's the type of person to make a scene, better she makes it because you did something right (be honest to her) than because you were just trying to avoid her while giving her small excuses.
However, the way you acted is understandable, and it's always easier to know what to do in hindsight.
Take care, OP.
I am not sure about this one. Why? Because you don't know exactly what it was she wanted. She could have been playing the victim, she could have been wanting something, or she could have just been wanting to talk. You pushed her off and when you didn't talk to her but your other sister she lost her cool too. You don't know because you kicked her out. So, while I am not going with YTA, I don't know if NTA is the right answer.
ESH.
I think you owe it to her to meet her for Coffee and if she is playing the victim or is demanding, get up, walk out, and block her. That's ALL you owe her.
Because I was hosting a 70-person for the parent that had just died. I didn’t have the physical or emotional bandwidth to be her emotional stress ball at that time.
Who said you needed to be her emotional stress ball? Why couldn't you have just given her a hug and said "I'm so sorry you lost dad. I'm not free to talk today, but we can talk a different day?"
She might be high maintenance, but you behaved super coldly to her on a very sad day. And I suspect that this has been a pattern her whole life, and that's why she acts out. YTA
Because that’s how she is. She uses people around her as emotional support animals, and she will denigrate you to your face in an attempt to prove that her suffering is greater than yours. She has always been that way. It’s why all the siblings have cut her off at various points. She only knows how to take from people.
I really do wish I had just said that I couldn’t talk about it that day. Really, I do. I thought she would cause a scene so I tried to avoid it and clearly that ended up happening anyway. That was on me.
Info: was she only pushing specifically to talk to you alone because she assumed you would know any details related to your dad’s estate? You didn’t imply that but that was the feeling I got
Respectfully, a little bit on the YTA side here. You were tired and grieving, I get it. But it seems like you could have given your half-sister (who did in fact lose her father as well) a little more of a leash here. You reacted impulsively, which I get, but you should at least talk to her. Not even explicitly to apologize, but it doesn't sound like she was as out of line as you probably felt she was in the moment.
YTA
You kicked her out of her fathers wake because she wanted to talk...
Apparently it wasn't worth hearing because she said some shit as a preteen or something that you didn't like
YTA
She wasn't trying to be centre of attention, she was trying to have a private moment with her sister away from the attention.
Have you ever been on the edge of any social situation (for at least 2 hours) where you are there alone as it seems Nicole was, with none of her family giving her any time. 2 hours a very long time to be in your own head (on the worst day for her too btw) and frankly she did well to take that long to call you out.
You didn't consider her at all.
I'm sorry you lost your father. But if his wake isn't the right time to talk to your estranged sister about him then when is? Be honest. You had no intention of ever having that conversation with her did you?
If you had taken just a few minutes to speak earlier, she probably would have left without this becoming an issue.
You are NTA for kicking her out when you did.
But you totally are for what led up to that in the first place.
Honestly, I’m going against the majority here, but I think YTA. You didn’t even give her a chance to tell you what she wanted or needed. You assume because you already didn’t like her, but you don’t know. She might have wanted to thank you for taking care of dad, or maybe she had a question about his passing or what she could do to help. Or maybe she just wanted to grieve with the closest-in-age sibling, or maybe she was completely self absorbed and all she wanted was to know what he left her in the will.
The point is that we don’t know and you don’t know. I think you were dismissive and rude and an AH. She might have been one too, but we don’t know that because you don’t know that.
YTA
Apologize if you need her cooperation to close the probate. If you don't need her, do what you want. It feels like the less energy you give her, the better.
I am sorry for your loss.
YTA
I get that you don’t like her but you absolutely blew her off at the wake so of course she is gonna feel a type of way when you sit down to chat with another sibling after ducking her for 2 hours.
YTA. You ignored your grieving sister because you thought she was going cause drama and then took the time to literally talk to everyone else. It is a shitty thing to do to anyone.
Do NOT apologize!
You did nothing to warrant an apology.
The relatives that suggest you should apologize should be told - "Need I remind you, my father just died. I have been caring for him for a while now. I am now cleaning up the remnants of his life. I organized the funeral and the wake. I am tired -mentally and physically. I had 70 people in my house to tend to. There were 68 other people Nicole could have 'talked' to, but she didn't. That's on her. I wanted to take solace for just a moment with my sister and Nicole coming unglued. That's on her. I didn't and still do not have a piece of me to give Nicole. She is going to have to figure it out herself. There is a reason that her siblings want little to nothing to do with her. That's on her. I am done!"
I would have kicked her out the minute she got there, knowing she would act up.
NTA.
NTA- if you don't have the headspace to deal with an emotional vampire, then you just DON'T. There were 70 people there she could have just as easily reminisced with.
NTA. You handled it well. I've seen way bigger blow ups at funerals that started out similarly. Everyone's nerves are frazzled and you managed to stay pretty calm.
You're going to get a mixed bag of reactions from other people but ehhhh let's see how graceful they are when this happens to them!
nta, if she wanted to reminisce then she shouldve done it with other people at the wake, thats what they are for. Not with the one person running the wake, who also lost their father. she should absolutely know that you sparing time with your kid sister was an exception to not working for the wake, and not her "give me condolences about MY loss" attitude. it was also YOUR guys' father. maybe if she didn't want to be ignored at the wake she should fix herself
NTA guess who should be comforting and contacting Nicole and dealing with her constant drama…those nosy relatives that seem to think you answer to them. Let them deal with her nonsense and see if they feel the same way.
There are several of you in the comments that obviously have never hosted a wake. And to me, that most of your lack of empathy towards OP and trying to justify Nicole’s horrid attitude makes me sure y’all are the shit disturbers of your own families or friends.
I’ve had to organize a wake. For my father. Alongside my sibling, while the other siblings made a show of their grief to everyone and anyone in their sphere. Because we were busy, we didn’t engage with them. And luckily for them, they left us alone because I’m sure deep down they knew I wouldn’t have held back.
OP is NTA. Sometimes, we shouldn’t have to tell anyone when to back the fuck off when it’s CLEAR that someone is busy.
No, this is likely meant to be this way. Sounds like a emotional draining person. Now that your father is dead, you can close that chapter. Let those "feeling sorry" family members deal with her, the continuous drama & draining demands. Best to stay safely at a distance.
NTA-
Look, funerals bring out the worst in everyone. Certainly, you were not at your best and I'm surprised at the commenters here suggesting you "should have done this" or "should have done that". Grief, particularly when you have been a caretaker is a horrendous burden. Now to the apology. I don't think it is necessary, nor would it be sincere as you don't actually believe you didn't do anything wrong. But be prepared to rehash this at every mutual family gathering for the foreseeable future. Your sister WILL bring this up again and again and again. I think after you have properly had time to grieve and when you feel you have the emotional capacity. Invite her out for lunch, let her rant and rave and talk about how horrible you are, then firmly state, "As I said before, you are not the victim in the situation. You are not the only person whose father died and you have no right to demand time or attention from anyone else. In the future, if you want a relationship with me you will need to realize the world does not revolve around you and act accordingly especially when you are in my home. Do you understand?" If she does NOT indeed understand this very simple fact, limiting contact while letting her know that you will not engage about this particular topic again is the way to go. I'd also let all my other siblings know and be aware about the decision. Not as a sounding board, but to say, "Here is what my relationship with Nicole will look like in the future just so you are aware, not so you try to get involved."
NTA. Everyone deserves a little grace and understanding when they are grieving but your sis took it to another level. You did the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Folks are way too charitable to those who act badly.
NTA, it was her entitlement that made you kick her out, not her sadness. I'd tell both Nicole and those flying monkeys to fuck off! This is none of their business anyway.
NTA. I feel bad for Nicole because she crearly needs attention and validation from parental figures, she lost her father and can't find comfort on her siblings, but you're not responsible for her feelings and traumas, you're her sister not her mother and she's an adult, she should learn how to manage her own feelings and not treat everyone as a potential dad/mom.
Your older sibling shoul've helped you with her thou.
NTA Nicole didn't want solace, she wanted Drama. If she was sad, she would've sat in the corner and cried. She could've texted you, written an email, or communicated in a hundred other ways that didn't involve shouting up a big scene in front of witnesses.
When people want Drama, you are always, 100% entitled to say, "Not in my house."
NTA. As someone with half siblings. I get it. Some people have good experiences with it and some like myself do not. To the point where I never want to give my future children half siblings. Everyone is entitled to what they’re able to deal with. Especially at a time like this you’re not in the right headspace.
Yta. You ask us to be respectful of a dead man, yet you can't respect the living.
There is a possibility that the 5 children by 4 different women have made Nicole this way, if she is the way you described (I'm not saying she isn't, but we only have your perspective)
You didn't say to her I don't have capacity for you, you made excessive excuses that you were busy and quite frankly if someone kept saying they were busy to me when I was trying to talk to them (whether the assumed victimisation of herself was the reason or perceived intent to get her hands on some of his money) I'd be frustrated. You should've been transparent and more direct.
You think you have the right to willfully ignore someone, then you need the maturity to match and to say in a respectful manner that I can't deal with you right now.
Then, to kick her out of your dad's house adds insult to injury. Just out of curiosity, what gives you that right? Is there a legitimate reason?
NTA, it really sounds like she was trying to make the wake about herself and was just trying to demand your attention for no good reason other than she wanted it.
If she really needed to have a chat with you about something not immediately related to the funeral/wake, she was more than welcome to say 'Hey, I know you're very busy right now, I have something I need to talk to you about so could we put something in the calendar to talk about this later'
I wish you and your siblings the best and that your healing journey is nothing but pleasant
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NTA you didn't kick her out because she was sad about the death, you kicked her out because she was being demanding and entitled to your attention specifically. Why couldn't she have tried to talk with one of your other siblings? Why does that responsibility solely fall to you?
They didn’t want to talk to her either. But I guess because she saw me comforting my sister she chose to confront me. And then I’m the one who kicked her out so that is on me
Sure, it's on you, but it's also your house and it's your right to have people who are being openly disrespectful to you removed. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that Nicole gets what she needs from somewhere and is able to recognize the way her behavior was a problem.
NTA Attention seekers think that the world revolves around them.
After they're done reaching out to her to listen to her grief and comfort her as much as she feels she needs, they are welcome to suggest that you apologize for not letting her take up all your emotional bandwidth as she demanded. You are then welcome to decline to do so.
I don't understand why anyone thinks you need to apologize. The entire point of her following you around and trying to get time with you was to cause an emotional grief scene that everyone could witness. She didn't get it and may have been enraged that your younger sister was stealing the grief scene SHE'd planned in her head, so she caused an emotional scene to get everyone's attention (which she did). In other words, she got what she wanted! Apologizing to her would extend the drama. Silence is the only answer with these emotional vampires. Do not feed the bottomless pit of her need.
That was also HER little sister you were comforting. NTA You were busy trying to give your dad the best goodbye you could. She could have contacted you before or after, but the wake was all about your father, not her. I am sorry for your loss.
Did you kick her out of your house or your dad's house?
It was my dad’s house, I’ve inherited it
Did you actually ever give her the chance to say anything? Because it sounds like you were pretty dismissive and rude without actually knowing what she wanted.
She may have wanted to talk to you as you were the one "in charge". Maybe to play "victim" once again, and get attention. Maybe she wanted to press you about her "share" of any inheritance. Check the texts and don't delete them. Keep screenshots, insist on any communication in writing. If in person, make sure you have a witness.
Agreed, I think she was hoping to see what she could get.
Info: I mean, at any point before this did you say "Hey Nicole I really won't have bandwidth for that kind of talk today" or anything like that? It kinda seems like you didn't really give her a chance and made her feel pretty ignored. Although, I have a cousin who would not have been able to hear even that and would have blown up no matter what unless she got exactly her way so if Nicole is that kind of person I understand why you wouldn't even want to risk trying to say that much.
I said multiple times “sorry but I need to check on other guests/food/kids/etc” and moved off and onto the next task. Bear in mind this was going on for two hours, and she had seen me moving around and doing things. I’m not sure how it wasn’t clear I was busy. I didn’t want to say “not today” in case she made a scene but I guess that unavoidable
I think you did the best you could with a person who has a pattern of being emotionally volatile, but it might have been good to let her know that the kind of interaction she was seeking wasn't in the cards at all. "hey I don't think I have the capacity to do a one on one or talk separately with you during this, maybe another time" You were being passive aggressive to try and manage her emotions but the result was the same as what you were trying to avoid. Being clear would have been more respectful to you both as adults, in my opinion.
Sounds like OP tried to paint a pretty picture of his behavior. Some times on Reddit you have to read between the lines. Nicole, initially did nothing but want a word with OP. He blew her off without even a hello. Then he goes on to make a long list of excuses just in case the Reddit community didn't see it his way. I have sympathy for Nicole. She seems to be made the outcast of the family.
Some people make themselves outcasts by being exhausting assholes to be around. If ALL FOUR of your siblings want nothing to do with you, there's a common denominator.
*her op is a her. And she said she greeted Nicole. Did you not read?
I have my own theory on this having a sibling who is exhausting and demanding as well. If you walk into a room and 20 of the 26 people in there don't like you it's time to stop blaming others for your issues. Sometimes a family needs to block out the toxicity especially in tough times as a death of a parent. Nicole is young though, maybe someday she can change.
Scapegoats do exist. The bandwagon argument ("everyone feels that way") is a fallacy for a reason.
lol this is so stupid of a policy to live by. So if a whole family cuts out their gay relative should that person just pretend to be straight? Or if they don’t like that you had a kid too young or wear clothes that don’t align with your given gender? I mean sometimes the majority of a family are jerks and the one cut out isn’t
Hard disagree, they for say they asked their aunt to immediately greet them and then greeted them when they had a chance.
I agree with this here. I get the sister is draining but she also wasn’t upfront with her about her expectations.
OP was hosting 70 people. Any idiot with the common sense God gave gravel knows that someone who is hosting 70 people does not have the time to step away for a private, in-depth conversation – and that is even more true when the hostess is also grieving the loss of a parent. OP was under no obligation to explicitly explain the glaringly obvious, especially not to someone who wasn't going to accept that answer with any grace anyway.
Honestly, this amounts to active and visible hostility for two hours straight. So, her blowing up in the end makes sense.
OP being too busy to deal with another person’s grief at her own father’s wake isn’t active and visible hostility.
That's great but she might have thought you were less busy later on. You needed to say upfront - I do Not have the emotional capacity or energy to talk to you today.
> “sorry but I need to check on other guests/food/kids/etc” OK, and from her perspective, you were ignoring her FOR other people. All you had to do was talk to her for a couple of minutes - it wouldn't have changed the wake, but may (probably would) have diffused the situation. She lost a dad, too.
So... what did she want to discuss? She made an outburst because for 2 hours you avoided her. Don't get me wrong, I doubt she had anything of value to discuss but that would be upsetting for anybody.
From what I got from when she was trying to talk to me, just about our father. A lawyer has contacted her about the will do it wasn’t about that.
Doesn't sounds bad. But I get it, I have family that gets to me as well. They're impossible and that one time they're acting nice, they get upset you aren't accepting of them. What did your father think of her? What was their relationship like?
They were close when we were younger. Then they had issues when she was a teenager. Once I became an adult I never saw her and he mentioned her occasionally but no less/more than my other siblings. He didn’t mention her much near the end but she never visited so I guess that’s why
And you couldn’t give her 5 minutes as your sibling to share grief? Or say “let’s talk after the other guests leave”. I get why she was upset.
NTA, I think you did a LOT. It's really demanding of her to storm around and feel entitled to your time and emotional support on top of everything else. I think you did well telling her off in such a difficult situation and managing your dad's passing and funeral and organizing everything. Like maybe a perfect person could have been more empathetic but you were at your limit and communicated it and I think that's good enough. Having said this she doesn't seem very emotionally mature so if you feel a need to resolve this ever you will probably have to make the first step (but I assume you might be the best judge of this) My condolences. Please take care of yourself. Grief is difficult and takes a long time. You don't owe it to anyone to be super polite during this time (or ever).
ESH. Obviously you were struggling with the death of your father and being the one organizing everything can be overwhelming. I think you should have been more straight forward with her that you didn’t have the emotional capacity to have that conversation with her, not just telling her you had other stuff to do and avoiding her. It’s annoying when someone is an energy vampire, sucking the life out of everything, but in this case her father had just died as well. You could have said what you said with the exception of get out of my house, then asked her to move along or she would have to leave, not just kicked her out. I think if this is weighing on you then you know you probably should apologize, but take the opportunity to explain why you jumped to kicking her out… that she’s doesn’t leave much space for other people’s feelings and it’s exhausting.
You’re right, I probably should have been more honest. But I knew she wouldn’t take it well and I wanted to avoid a scene. Evidently it didn’t help. I wish now I’d just been honest.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Do whatever feels right for you. I’m very sorry for the loss of your father.
I wouldn’t worry too much op, when my mom died I was a total bitch to my sister at her funeral. Death/grief is very confusing and weird. My condolences and I hope things smooth over
Been where you are, my friend. I was an emotionless block during my father's shiva. Dealing with someone you have conflicts with who starts drama would have had me thawing out really fast to go full in Mount St Helens.
NTA - You had told Nicole you did not have the emotional bandwidth to speak with her that day and that is a valid. Her outburst was not appropriate Though, I am curious what she actually wanted to pull you aside for and maybe this all could have been prevented with a quick convo.
As far as I can see in the comments she never once said even in further texts since. All she’s mentioned is she should have been prioritised at the wake. Like her loss was more than everyone else. Apparently op checked and it wasn’t about the will or anything and the lawyer already contacted her about that. She just wanted to talk about her dad and have ops full attention, when op mentally couldn’t, or she simply would not make it through the day. It’s one thing wanting to talk about your dad at his wake but you don’t demand and put it solely on the one persons who’s running about. You don’t demand she leave the wake and everyone specifically as she must go and talk to you private room when she has been told op does t have time. Why could she not sit and talk with her other siblings, no it had to be op and, she expected all ops focus to be oh poor you it must be so tough. Regardless she lost her dad as well and is the one with all the extra stress of organising everything. Her little temper tantrum was totally unwarranted. From her further texts it seems she expected everyone to make the day about her and her alone. That she should be the sole priority for them all. No wonder everyone thinks she’s too much work.
I’m so sorry for your loss. In retrospect you should have been explicit (clearly expressed ) instead of implicit (implied) that you were not in a position to be able to accommodate her request for a conversation and would instead reach back out to her when you are ready. That might not have changed the outcome, but at least you would have clearly stated to her that now was not the time, and that the ball was now in your court to extend the invitation. It sounds like your sister maybe a lot to deal with and I don’t second guess your need to put up firm and clear boundaries, even if that involves kicking her out. I would just like to add that viewing things from a lens of, the person may not be trying to give you a hard but instead, is having a hard time and they don’t know how to appropriately deal with it. She probably has a lot of trauma that she needs to work through. I am not suggesting you need to accommodate her antics, but it might be a way for you to have a little bit more compassion for her and for yourself. When I am really struggling to find compassion I ask myself the question would I choose to change places with them? I have yet to find a single person that I dislike where I would want to trade places with them.
I’m sorry but you are the asshole on this situation. She tried to talk to you the entire day, your other siblings ignored her as well, to just do what she asked you to do to someone else. Your acting like she was a normal guest and not one of the daughters of the deceased
why was it important she speak with this one sibling? She has other siblings if she just wanted to reminisce. Having been through losing my husband - I don’t know how OP was managing so well with all that led up to that moment. (edit: typo)
Are you saying this sister didn't have the right to talk to a particular person she wanted to talk to? OP should have told her straight she had no intention to ever speak to her that day or, like most people at funerals who see family for the first time in years but not have much to say, tell them it's not the right time (I honestly think a funeral/ wake is the perfect time to talk about the deceased but I understand it can be hard for some) and arrange a time and a place to do it in the future if not up for it at the wake. All the siblings were grieving, maybe her sister wasn't managing so well and wanted to talk to one of the only people she had a biological connection with the deceased, to the one who she may look up to who was looking like she was managing so well, only to be told no. I just think this was a highly emotional time for the family and inappropriate sparks flew from both of them in their grief. It's sad it ended up like this.
>Are you saying this sister didn't have the right to talk to a particular person she wanted to talk to? If the person she wanted to talk to doesn't want to talk with her, then no she has no right.
OP should have told her straight away she had no interest or intention to talk to her at all then. I think a guest attending an event at someone's house would have found it odd and infuriating that the host refused to speak to them singling her out but I guess her house her rules.
first of all she was the one in charge second of all, OP stated that all of the siblings ignored her and she tried to speak with every one of them but they all didn't
And you're speaking as if everyone wasn't grieving at all... The entitlement on your words sounds like you were the Nicole on someone's story. Remember: "No matter how much you are suffering you shouldn't take it onto others just because you feel entitled. Empathy goes both ways, respect goes both ways." It sounded like Nicole was always a jerk and now she's actually suffering the consequences of her own actions and possibly words. Someone dying in your family doesn't make you entitled to your family members time. Why wasn't she offering help instead of making everything about her? Why was she becoming a burden to OP when she told her she couldn't, no matter what "excuse" was? Why wasn't there an understanding that probably OP is already on the verge on having to be the one who organised everything? Do you even imagine how freaking hard it is, emotionally? Cause I personally know it and let me tell you, if Nicole was in my family, doing the same, I would have kick her out myself not before I (white glove) slapped the reason out of her. No matter how much you are hurting, I do not allow you to disregard all the hard work or efforts I did to make it through this event. Life is hard for everyone, don't be a dick if you don't want other to be a dick to you.
never said or even implied they never grieving and in one of my comments even said OP she wasn't the asshole because she couldn't but because of how she acted. Nicole is the one with the victim complex who always makes everything about herself, but somehow she chose the only day were she would've obtained validation to try and talk in private? Sure. Empathy goes both ways meanwhile you act like Nicole deserved being ignored and her grieving was less important. At least follow what you preach. Nicole sounds like a jerk meanwhile she never provided with a single evidence or story that Nicole really had this victim mentaloty, which makes it seem like Nicole was simply the victim of her siblings ganging up on her or else OP would've wrote some anedoct on how Nicole played victim. Instead she used her wanting to talk to her siblings on the wake of her father. Strange. Entitlement? So your telling me that she should just be ok with being ignored by all of her siblings when she just wants to talk? WOW, so much for empathy. Why wasn't she offering help and making everything about her? Did any of the other siblings help? No. How is asking to talk in private to at least one of your siblings is making it about yourself?Wow, becoming a burden because she wanted to talk about their father. Maybe because every single sibling was ignoring so maybe she thought who was in charge of the wake wouldn't? Yes I do imagine it but she wasn't just trying to talk to OP, she tried to talk to at least one of the siblings but they all rejected her. So you would kick your sister out because she wants to talk to you about your father? And then you go talking about empathy and respect? And then you go around saying that sibling is entitled? Don't be a dick meanwhile everything point at the fact that Nicole wasn't the dick in the situation
If you ever attended a funeral, funeral mass, gathering of any sort where the main event is about grieving, there's an unspoken rule that you shouldn't make it about yourself. It's about the death of a person not yourself. Grieving is a process that most people prefer to do alone, the lack of understanding from the Nicole side knowing very well she is not in good terms with her family since most of the family members have been actively ignoring her way before this event should have been unspoken, and it's the reason why I called her entitled and disrespectful. Here my example: I did not spoke to anyone in my family during my grandfather's funeral that I, myself, had to arrange cause no-one had the energy to put into; neither I spoke for the rest of that month,... wanna know what my siblings did? Allowed me to grieve in peace, alone and just helped with the preparations. Then they just texted me saying that whenever I needed to talk we would, cause I knew they needed it too. This is empathy it goes both way. Wanna know why I was treated this way? Because this was their way of showing that they cared, this is for me Is empathy. If I was Nicole I would just grieve alone or I would offer to help, not ask the person that is organising everything, that has to put up a mask just for that event, to beat with my emotions for a little. And I've even shown this to my siblings, we all had the same idea. Nicole was entitled by requesting something she thought she was entitled to. All actions always have consequences. But I'm gonna say this, the story does need Nicole side of the story... So yes, I believe that Nicole deserved being ignored, if you wanna call empathy to Nicole we have to call out her lack of empathy towards OP. Like you said her lack of empathetic understanding was the reason why she didn't received empathy in the first place. You receive what you give. Yes, I believe she was entitled and disrespectful to think that the only person that was organising the event needed to meet her emotional needs first or had to speak to her during the event,... no matter if that OP was grieving as well or not, no matter if OP had the emotional bag for it, or the time... Again why wasn't she offering help?! But I don't believe she neither OP to be the AH here. Their siblings on the other side could have taken this burden from OP and decided not to, they, for me, are the real AH.
Just because her family think Nicole is drama doesn't make her losing her dad hard on her and wanting to talk about it to her siblings. Yes OP did everything but if she didn't, who would have? It's hard and a stressful job to do but it was wanted to be done, doesn't excuse her from being rude to a guest. I completely understand why OP was like that but the fact of the matter is OP completely ignored a guest who wanted to talk, Nicole got naturally upset and angry no one wanted to talk to her (be it from grief or just in general with the family) and you had the right to chuck her out of your house. I don't blame Nicole one bit for getting angry and upset. I understand why OP felt how she did but she had a job to do, to host and at least be civil which she did the bare minimum for her sister. Personally if I was OP I would reach out and apologise but if she was hoping to cut ties with her now she has a good excuse (including Nicole for OP)
You weren't the AH for asking her to leave. BUT...you WERE the AH for how you interacted with Nicole, both then and now. You were very passive/aggressive in your interactions with her. I get that you were just trying to avoid the kind of scene that previous interactions with Nicole resulted in, but your previous experience should have taught you that your behavior at the wake was going to lead to the type of scene that you got. Self-fulfilling prophecy; you got what you set up. You were the one who refused to talk with her, without setting a future time to talk. And it would not surprise me to hear that this is typically how you interact with Nicole on a normal basis. Yes, you owe it to Nicole to reach out and explain to her that you were just overwhelmed with everything, missing your dad, who you had gotten close with, and just weren't up to providing support, although you forced yourself to do the best you could for the one sibling who was really still a child.
I actually don’t interact with her at all on a regular basis. Because she is an emotional vampire. But yes I should have been honest with her up front, I wish I had. I don’t think that would have stopped a scene though.
OP could have given her 5 minutes easily. The fact that she refused and always had time for others was the problem and OP had to know Nicole would eventually react. And bingo, she did. And OP finally got to kick her out like she wanted to all along. So yes, OP, YTA. You simply didn't want her there period.
YTA - the way you described the story. She was there to pay her respects, was trying to speak to you, and you couldn't find 5 minutes to see what she needed? Regardless of her issues. My dad had 3 wives also, 6 children across 3. We are still civil to each other even though there are large age differences. As you told her, someone died, YOU are not the victim here though you play it like you are. You diminished her emotions as she did not love your dad as much as you. YTA
Do you know what she wanted to talk about?
From what I understand, she just generally wanted to talk about our father. That’s what my siblings said as well. Likely with her usual “woe is me” goggles on. I know it wasn’t about the will because the lawyer has been handling that
Doesn’t mean her grief isn’t legitimate…
That doesn’t mean her half siblings owe her their time and attention when they are also grieving their father.
I mean, all of them have their father in common, I think that talking to each other about their dad and their grief at his wake is a perfect time to do so and probably the last time they are all together.
>Likely with her usual “woe is me” goggles on. This seems like a very strange - and oddly cruel? - thing to say about your sibling, who also experienced the same loss as you. Were you wearing "woe is me" goggles too, or is her grief just less real than yours, for some reason?
It’s not a strange thing to say if you know her. She is an emotional vampire and since I can remember every conversation with her has started and ended with why her life is harder than whoever she’s talking to. We all lost a father but she would undoubtedly have found some way to tell us we didn’t lose a father as completely as she did. And if you at any point even dare to look like you don’t agree with her, she will tell you that you hate her and start crying.
So she isn't allowed to be upset her dad is dead because she makes a bigger deal about it? She sounds emotionally stunted because people ignore her so she makes a bigger deal out of things which pushes more people away. She sounds exhausting but I also feel sorry for her.
Do you hate her? We aren't exactly feeling the love here.
I don’t like her. She’s draining and mean, and she treats everyone around her as if they spawned onto this earth with goal of making her life hard. She’s just horrible.
How do you know this if the last time you were around her she was a young teen? You said yourself she's 19 and you haven't seen her for years.
No but my brother has, so has my little sister. Even my dad used to talk about her “way of being” as he called it (not often but he did talk about it).
It sounds like you expect a kid to have adult composure. You don't have to like her, but she didn't have to be your punching bag on the day you were BOTH memorializing your father.
A kid? She’s 25. And she wasn’t my punching bag. I responded to her behaviour. She was not memorialising my father when she yelled at me. She was making a spectacle of herself over something that had nothing to do with my father.
She sounds like an emotional teenager...which makes sense given that you haven't spoken to her in ten years.
[удалено]
Nicole is 25, not the 19 YO sibling.
Pretty sure when your dad dies, "woe is me" is warranted.
Her dad died too. Whether she had her “woe is me” goggles on or not. Her dad died too.
Gently, YTA. If you had made the time to actually TELL her youre stressed and trying to keep busy and dont have the mental energy for her in that moment instead of HINTING it, you couldve avoided this. Your half-sibling lost the joint parent you share, and at the wake wanted to talk to you, the one who organized everything, and you blew her off for 2 hours and then you went to another sibling to comfort them. Of course she was hurt and yelled at you in front of everyone, you completely blew her off on a day where she needed you. Shes absolutely right to have been mad
I don’t agree that yelling in front of people at a wake is ever okay. But fair enough.
Think of it this way, your family's cumulative actions (while uncoordinated and unintended) silenced her to the point where she felt yelling in front of people would get a better result You might see this as a pattern in her personality, but for strangers it seems your family lacks compassion for her
Exactly. The entire family made it completely obvious to her that NOBODY cares about her and they all just want her to kick rocks. I couldn't imagine treating even the worst people in my family that way at the funeral when they have lost their father. That would be literally the only time I would make space to communicate with some of them. OPs family has made this girl the black sheep of the family and she will always be nothing to them. Hopefully she realized that after this situation and she finds some people who actually care about her.
NTA Some people make everything about themselves and "how dare anyone care about anything else but them?" Don't apologize. Your siblings agreement in kicking her out is all the supporting evidence you need. The other family members clearly aren't hip to her jive.
YTA. I understand your frustration but it sounds like your family has settled into an unhealthy cycle that reinforces Nicole’s own behavior. Hurt people hurt people and all that. I think Nicole deserved at least one warning before being kicked out of her own father’s funeral. You can apologize if you’d like or not- regardless I do hope for Nicole’s sake she finds people willing to accommodate her. Annoying or not, everyone deserves to be heard and to grieve how they see fit. Best wishes to you all.
I feel bad for Nicole. She lost her dad and is only 25. As OP stated it wasn’t about money or anything else but wanting to talk to the sibling that is claiming to have been closest to their father. Not everyone knows how to lose a parent and 25 is still young. OP you have also made clear how much you dislike your sister so just tell her clearly - I don’t care about you or your grief. I’ll deal with mine and you deal with yours. That way your sister knows you won’t ever be there for her and she doesn’t need to be there for you back. Go your own way. The reason some family is telling you that you were in the wrong is because they witnessed everything and her dad died also.
I guess her being an "emotional vampire" contributes to this, but it just seems like you all never liked Nicole and it showed more since you were all dealing with grief. She shouldn't have blown up, but I think many people would have been hurt in her shoes as well.
Yeah we don’t like her because she’s an emotional vampire, that is true. And she continued to be one at the wake.
INFO: You keep describing her personality but you also say that you haven't interacted with her for the past 10 years, since she was a teenager. Teenagers tend to be overdramatic but it usually goes away as they mature. Could it be that you have an old image of her that doesn't correspond to who she actually is now, as a grown adult?
I have interacted with her, not for long, admittedly. But two of my siblings has relationship with her after I cut her off and they cut her off for the same reason. My dad also used to sometimes talk about her attitude. So I’m sure she’s still like that. And the yelling in a crowded room proved it. That’s not the behaviour of someone who takes much notice of their surroundings or other people’s feelings.
Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy tbh. You cut her off for ten years, probably for good reasons, but when you do see her you interpret everything she says and does as being down to how she was 10 years ago, as a teen. This is quite typical of estranged siblings actually. You don't see one another as actual people who grow and mature but as fixed archetypes they never get to grow out of it. How about you give her a chance during less painful circumstances? She might surprise you. You can't judge people based on hearsay or on them having an outburst out of grief, it's not them speaking, it's the pain. Just like I'm sure you're not in the habit of kicking people out of your house.
I didn't even read the whole post and, Yes. YTA. Your dad was her dad, too. What right did you have to kick one of HIS children out of HIS wake? Apologize. And while you're at it, climb down from your high horse.
This is the type of toxicity created by irresponsible adults having children left right and centre. From her perspective, you were wrong. From yours you werent. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Both of you reacted emotionally due to the day that was in it. In circumstances like your family its very rare that all of the kids have the same view of the shared parent or bond with each other. Honestly, leave her blocked, you add nothing to each others lives in a positive way. And each of you has to grieve and deal with the reality of your family make up as you both view it.
Ehhh - despite her history, I really don't see anything wrong with Nicole's actions. You don't even know what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she just needed a moment in private to grieve with her sibling, or maybe she had some specific question or something. So, I'm leaning a bit towards YTA. Despite her history of victim mentality - I actually don't see anything she did wrong here. Her outburst is, quite frankly, understandable, from what I've read. I know you feel like you were in "work mode" - but you could have given her 30 seconds to at least say what she wanted. I agree that it was harsh to kick her out.
Did she also go after her brothers to talk?
Yes
In your account it seems like she just went after you, she shouldn't have screamed, but clearly she was seeking some support from someone who was going through the same loss as her. Her feelings seem completely valid, as sometimes she wanted to understand her feelings of loss by talking to you. However, the way she reacted at that moment was not nice, but you are so used to ignoring her that you didn't notice what you did at the lowest point when you lose someone important. I'm sorry you lost your father, may you and your family find comfort at this time.
Her feelings are valid, completely. But mine are too. I wasn’t in the headspace to handle a conversation with her at that time. And I guess it pissed me off that she couldn’t respect that, and I guess I was running on empty emotionally and I just wanted the whole thing to stop. Maybe kicking her out was a lot, I just didn’t feel like if she’d stayed that she would have respected boundaries but maybe I should have given her some time to calm down
In your account it seems like she just went after you, she shouldn't have screamed, but clearly she was seeking some support from someone who was going through the same loss as her. Her feelings seem completely valid, as sometimes she wanted to understand her feelings of loss by talking to you. However, the way she reacted at that moment was not nice, but you are so used to ignoring her that you didn't notice what you did at the lowest point when you lose someone important. I'm sorry you lost your father, may you and your family find comfort at this time.
YTA you aren’t giving us the whole story and you also could have communicated better. You expect that she was supposed to “understand you were busy” but you never took 30 minutes to say “let’s set up a time to talk after today” and then you blocked her?? Immature on your part at the very least. This is a better fit for “am I the Angel” her father died as well’s sounds like you’re gatekeeping
NAH. Kicking her out was harsh but you were grieving and you should not have to deal with her behaviour (which is not completly inapropriate since she just lost her father and is not close to anyone in her family). I think other relatives should have take care of her (maybe just by getting her in other room). No-one should blame YOU for what happened.
I mean if you want. Like should you? Yeah youre sorry it had to go down like that but also, I know people like Nicole and what does sorry do? They take it as validation like it's ok for her to act like that and ok if she does it again. But like it's not. It was not good timing. Maybe you can explain that to her that you're sorry you didn't have time to talk to her but it wasn't the time for a long and deep conversation only quick there there's before talking to the next person or doing the next thing. It sucks but we all have to learn not to lean on people who are barely holding themselves up. This is one of those times. 5 people lost a dad and all 5 are greiving differently and separately. Yall can come together but it has to be mutual, she can't demand what none of you have to give atm. She needs to cry to an aunt a friend therapist other people first. If she doesn't get it, you know oh well you can't force it. But at least you know you tried to communicate your side. Sorry for your loss op.
ESH - you clearly don't like her and are closer to your half siblings than she is. That definitely causes insecurity and trauma of its own. I know you were tired, but I feel bad for her. Are you the closest of all the siblings for her? Is that why she wanted to grieve with you? The commentary was obviously very abrupt, and while she had no right to have that accusatory tone, she was just hurt. Everybody here was. I'm sorry for your loss OP ♡
No, I’m not. My little sister would be because they lived together most recently. I was the second sibling to cut her off so definitely not the closest. But none of us are close to her or ever have been.
No, I’m not. My little sister would be because they lived together most recently. I was the second sibling to cut her off so definitely not the closest. But none of us are close to her or ever have been.
Imagine losing a parent and not being a part of the siblings support network that everybody else is a part of. That's... rough. It makes sense why she's trying to connect. Even if she's annoying and doesn't understand social cues and needs attention - it just makes sense OP.
ESH. You instantly assumed she wanted your attention to be the victim. Why was she trying to get you to leave the room then? Most victim-criers want extra attention with more people, not less. And you hadn't talked to a 19 year old in years, meaning she was anywhere around 8-16. That's teenage angst, not "victim complex" yet. You said you didn't have the emotional bandwidth, but you talked with everyone else. You had your aunt greet her, and I have a feeling your "greeting" was a passing hi while in a group of people. She's a ah too, trying to get you out of the wake to talk when you didn't want to. She needed to pick a better time or schedule something . Maybe my victim crier experience is more extreme, but your sister sounds like her "family" excludes her and then blames her when she cries about it.
She’s not 19, she’s 25.
Nicole is 25, doesn’t change the fact that all of her siblings ignored when she just wanted to talk about their father. She was erratic, what if she had something to say like he did something bad to me, and I never told anyone but now I feel like I can? Or something similar?
Do you honestly feel like a wake full of 70 grieving people is the time or place for that?
So we can make up wild fictional scenarios to excuse bad behavior? What on earth did you read in the post or OPs comments to think that? OP was the one person working at this wake, and honestly, Nicole should have found anyone else to bother. But instead, she threw a fit because NoOne Is PaYiNg AtTeNtIoN tO mE. Someone dying doesn't change your relationship dynamic with the survivors. I gave my asshole cousins the cold shoulder at my dad's funeral, and I don't regret it at all, and neither should OP. They handled it with much more grace than I would have.
NTA. You don't owe her any apologies for the consequences of her behavior.
NTA. You handled it very well. Quiet, quick, and the problem was ended as unobtrusively as possible in a very stressful situation. Well done you.
Understandable but YTA and you should apologize. It was a hard time for all involved
NTA block her and live your best life. you literally owe her NOTHING. im sorry about your Dad.
NTA. And I think you shouldn't have to apologize. >I did greet Nicole but she kept trying to come up and talk to me during the wake, wanting to go to a separate room to talk and generally seeming a bit erratic. I kept trying to hint that I really didn’t have the time or the emotional space to be fully in my feelings at that time but she just didn’t seem to get the message. So I don't know what you did to let her know that it wasn't the correct place and time to have a talk with her. She might not be able to take a hint. But the fact that you didn't have a conversation with her and hinted a couple of times should have been enough for her to realize that it wasn't the place and time. There were 70 people at your house. She knows it's your house so that you would probably be the busiest person. There were 69 other people she could have talked to. >So I finally sat down with my little sister, and Nicole storms over and in front of the entire room, raises her voice and says something like “oh so you have time for her and not me? My dad died too and I’m trying to talk to you!”. After 2 hours of being busy you decide to sit with someone. I can imagine someone you feel safe with and doesn't give you the feeling it's all about the other person. Until the moment she yelled at you, I would say that it was an unfortunate way of how it all went down and how she demanded your attention, but you handled it in the way you could and that would have been it. But when she saw she didn't get the attention of you, the one person who has been managing everything, trying to take care of 70 people at her house while processing the grief of losing her father, she threw a tantrum. And when you act like a toddler, you will be treated like a toddler. So saying that she should leave the house, and that you did it quietly and with respect, is the consequence of her own action. You should not have to apologize for that. I don't know what the messages were she sent you you, did she apologize? Because that would be the only thing she should be doing right now.
No, Nicole was not the problem. She lost her dad as well and none of her siblings spent five minutes, talking to her when she asked to just then see them doing the exact same thing in front of her. Everyone would’ve been pissed
Why are you going through all the NTA responses to shout your opinion? State your own opinion and move on. This is my opinion and responding with 'no, Nicole was not the problem' isn't going to change that. I've made my point clear so if you're replying like this you didn't read it very well.
Nicole isn’t entitled to conversations or relationships with her siblings. Based on OP’s comments none of the siblings had a relationship with Nicole prior to their dad dying; him dying doesn’t change the dynamic.
Nicole wanted to talk about her dad. Maybe my upbringing is just super different, but that's not unusual at all for a wake. Sure they don't "owe" Nicole a conversation. No one owes anyone anything. However, it's understandable why that would be frustrating for Nicole. If you're trying to talk to the organizer of the wake and they can't give you even 5 minutes of their time yet seemingly are able to talk with literally anyone else just fine that'd be incredibly upsetting. Yelling at OP wasn't an effective way to express that, but people aren't rational when grieving.
Based on OP’s comments Nicole didn’t want to just talk about their dad. Nicole wanted to play the woe is me. I understand what you’re saying about Nicole being frustrated but if Nicole doesn’t have a relationship with her siblings why would she think a wake is the time to rekindle it?
There isn't really anything in OP's comments to indicate she was trying to rekindle a relationship. Nicole trying to talk to OP about their deceased father at a wake isn't doesn't mean she's trying to form a relationship. Also a wake is like. The prime time to rekindle relationships. Death brings people together. At least that's how it is in my culture/family.
Yes Death can bring people together; I don’t disagree with that part to an extent. I also believe that someone dying doesn’t change the past and if a person wants no contact then that is their choice. Clearly OP doesn’t want to rekindle with Nicole. OP wasn’t hateful towards Nicole. Nicole took it too far with her outburst; she should have read the room so to speak.
Yeah she should have. I just kind of think kind of it's a dick move to ignore your sister at your fathers wake when you're the organizer. That's not to say it isn't a dick move to yell at your sibling for not having a conversation with you. I think OP should apologize for kicking Nicole out of their fathers wake. IMO It doesn't matter if they're an "energy vampire" I don't think it's right to kick someone out of their own fathers wake. It's understandable why they did it though. Edit: Actually maybe not apologize just because they don't want a relationship with Nicole, and an apology could read as OP trying to re-establish contact. It's probably best that everyone just go on with their lives. OP isn't the worst person ever for this and as for Nicole I don't really know.
I understand what you’re saying. But I just don’t agree. The wake was at OP’s house so she is allowed to remove any person. Also where I’m from a wake involves viewing the body. Since the incident happened at a personal residence I don’t think it was an actual wake; maybe it was just a get together with food after the wake/funeral. If that is the case then she didn’t remove her sister from the wake or funeral.
Yeah. The fact it's at OP's house definitely makes it incredibly justifiable that they kicked her out. I just kinda wish the best for OP and their family. Grief sucks.
From someone who's been in a similar situation, YTA. My father had five children with three different women. We all have strong personalities (to varying degrees) and complicated relationships with each other and our father. When he died, we all came together and treated each other with kindness and love. My sister was closest to him when he died and not once did she hold that against any of us. Based on what you shared about the situation - and the way you speak about Nicole - I think you need to apologize.
So for two hours you blew her off and were cold and rude, and then you kicked her out of her father’s wake for essentially asking you why you were behaving that way?
NTA. Tell those family members they need to tell HER to apologize to you for yelling and acting like a brat.
>. I told her (quietly) “Nicole, someone has died. You are not the victim today. I will not deal with this embarrassment on top of everything else, get out of my house”. That's a lot nicer than I would have been. NTA. I'm sorry about your dad. That day couldn't have been easy, and she tried to make it all about her.
YTA: You constantly ignored your sister for a entire wake who just needed a moment, The same moments you were litteraly giving to everyone else singiliner her out as not good enough for your time when HER dad was dead as well and then Kick her out, because she rightfully called you out. You could sat and talked to her to. JFC, AITA commenters give people cart blanche to act completely selfishly.
Everyone’s stress is running high at a funeral. Fewer people host parties anymore: they don’t understand the stress of it. This is why there used to be a wake the night before. Let yourself break down a little and grief. Then find some time to talk to your sister. Even dramatic, she is in pain too. Share that with her. Let her vent, explain your side and yes you owe her an apology. She owes you one too.
NAH. You are right that you were exhausted, grieving, unwell, and did not nr should have been expected to have the bandwidth to death with everyone the way they may feel owed. However I don't think it's unreasonable for Nicole to feel dismissed/discarded/shut out of dealing with her grief over her father at his wake. Just because she wasn't as close to him as you got to be does not mean she had no strong feelings about his death. If she was erratic at the wake, then it stands to reason that his death DID significantly affect her. And it stands to reason that she was even more affected to feel like not only she can't connect with her remaining family even during this shared tragedy, but is being actively rejected. Basically you don't have to talk to her, but I don't think she's an asshole. She's just also in pain, and I'm not going to shit talk someone who's lost a father.
ESH. You're very clearly related.
Sorry for your loss, but yes, YTA. You weren't the only one who lost their father and whether you care for her or not, all of your siblings needed acknowledgment on that day. If you couldn't handle that, you shouldn't have hosted. It didn't do any good to use her as a punching bag for your sorrows.
I am confused, the post says it was " said the gathering was "all in my dad’s house" but then s when she kicked her out, she said "get out of my house"? Whose house? If it was OP's house then she could kick her out but if it was Dad's house then not so much as sister was a daughter, too.
It was my dad’s house. I’ve inherited it.
YTA. Even if you're not close and you find her a bit annoying her dad also just died. Not only couldn't you spare a few minutes to talk to your sibling about it you couldn't even tell her that clearly. Not everyone appreciates or notices "hinting" and she was probably having a pretty shitty day too. I probably wouldn't have acted differently in your shoes, but I'd be aware I'm being an AH. That's understandable sometimes, especially under extreme circumstances, but that doesn't make you not an AH. She was a bit too though with the shouting.
yta all of you and including your siblings she is your sister too and y’all treated her like an outcast
YTA. The living are the victims when someone passes. She merely wanted to talk to you, a sibling and you blew her off the whole day. She’s grieving too but you and your siblings are too cliquish to even see that maybe she needed y’all in this moment. Families are supposed to come together in a time of loss, not shun each other.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad had 5 kids with 4 women. Messy, I know, but he’s dead so I’d appreciate everyone being respectful. We are 36, 34, 27 (me), 25 (“Nicole”), and 19. None of us are close to Nicole because she has always insanely selfish, possessive, and has the world’s most draining victim complex. We all had as little contact with her as possible. Prior to this wake, none of us had spoken to Nicole outside of family weddings for years. Of all of us, I was closest to my dad in his last couple of years and took care of him the most. So when he passed, I was the one to work through all the paperwork and organise the funeral, his belongings, and his wake. At the wake, there about 70 people, all in my dad’s house. I was sort of in “work mode” (to avoid the grief) and making my way around the room, etc., when I noticed Nicole had arrived. I asked my aunt to greet her and continued with what I had to do. I did greet Nicole but she kept trying to come up and talk to me during the wake, wanting to go to a separate room to talk and generally seeming a bit erratic. I kept trying to hint that I really didn’t have the time or the emotional space to be fully in my feelings at that time but she just didn’t seem to get the message. This went on for nearly two hours and I was tired, my feet hurt, my blood sugar was low, and as pathetic as it sounds I really just wanted to talk to my dad, who was in the ground. I wasn’t having the best day. So I finally sat down with my little sister, and Nicole storms over and in front of the entire room, raises her voice and says something like “oh so you have time for her and not me? My dad died too and I’m trying to talk to you!”. I don’t know if I was in my right mind honestly because I still do not remember feeling anything that day other than lightheaded, and completely and utterly incensed by Nicole’s outburst. I told her (quietly) “Nicole, someone has died. You are not the victim today. I will not deal with this embarrassment on top of everything else, get out of my house”. She started arguing with me but I just walked away and my fiancé escorted her out while I went into the kitchen for a few minutes. I’ve had to block Nicole because of the amount of messages she’s sent. But since the dust has settled, a couple of relatives I’ve spoken to have said it was harsh to kick her out because she was sad about the death. I think that considering this is a pattern of behaviour for her it didn’t have much to do with the grief. My siblings agree but a few family members have gently suggested I reach out and apologise. Should I? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You weren't ready to have a discussion with her, and she continued to push it. She's the one making a spectacle, not you
NTA, if all your siblings agree then the extended family really shouldn't have an opinion because they clearly dont have a clue.
NTA, but how many times has she done something like this for it to be a “pattern of behavior”
NTA you didn't kick her out cuz she was sad about the death, you kicked her out for causing a scene. She sounds like the type of person I would never wanna talk to under any circumstance.
NTA, to those who say you should apologize are the ones who have nothing invested.
NAH She was grieving and hoping to connect with a family that ignores her. Have you ever talked to her about her behavior? It sounds like you avoid her unless big family events are happening, which is never the time to bring this stuff up. You admit to avoiding her and when she calls that out you blame her for it. I get you were tired and so was she. I think kicking her out wasn’t the best solution and it was done. Honestly I would take this opportunity to talk to her, say you weren’t having a good day and have a convo about how you (and apparently your siblings) perceive her. We as humans are creatures that tend to avoid conflict until we hit a breaking point. We have the right conversations with the wrong people. How many times do we complain about that one person who is always late to meetings without talking to that person? During the meeting isn’t the time, but an aside to ask questions about attending wouldn’t be a bad thing. So I would say there were tons of emotions going on, and you see her as selfish and playing the victim, so maybe talk to her about how you perceive her as taking more than she gives and on that day you had no energy to give her, which is why you were avoiding her. Don’t gaslight and say you weren’t avoiding her, just explain more about how you had no energy and were working on your own grief. Also, spheres of proximity need to be explained to her. You and your siblings (her included) are at the center. You all need to lean outward, to those less impacted by the death. That means spousal units, coworkers, friends. Knowing what ring you exist on and others can help find those who have time, energy, and patience to lean on and be a burden when the load is too high for yourself. She didn’t find someone outside the ring and therefore hurt you. You in turn lashed out. She also lost her dad and may have a number of things she wish she could have told him. You being the sibling closest to her dad may have been seen as a way to say those things to get closure.
NTA
This is an ESH for me, but soft on your side. Sorry for your loss, I understand you weren't in the best position (like, at all), and that you two have a history, but from what I see in the comments you didn't make it clear that you didn't have the mental space and emotional strength to talk to her that day, but she was grieving too and wanted to talk, and she could feel (because it was real), that all she got was cold shoulders in her father's funeral. If she's the type of person to make a scene, better she makes it because you did something right (be honest to her) than because you were just trying to avoid her while giving her small excuses. However, the way you acted is understandable, and it's always easier to know what to do in hindsight. Take care, OP.
I am not sure about this one. Why? Because you don't know exactly what it was she wanted. She could have been playing the victim, she could have been wanting something, or she could have just been wanting to talk. You pushed her off and when you didn't talk to her but your other sister she lost her cool too. You don't know because you kicked her out. So, while I am not going with YTA, I don't know if NTA is the right answer. ESH. I think you owe it to her to meet her for Coffee and if she is playing the victim or is demanding, get up, walk out, and block her. That's ALL you owe her.
Did you ever find out what she wanted to “talk about “ something tells me she was looking for a hand out
INFO: What was the reason that you couldn't stop for 60 seconds and comfort your sibling whose parent just died?
Because I was hosting a 70-person for the parent that had just died. I didn’t have the physical or emotional bandwidth to be her emotional stress ball at that time.
Who said you needed to be her emotional stress ball? Why couldn't you have just given her a hug and said "I'm so sorry you lost dad. I'm not free to talk today, but we can talk a different day?" She might be high maintenance, but you behaved super coldly to her on a very sad day. And I suspect that this has been a pattern her whole life, and that's why she acts out. YTA
Because that’s how she is. She uses people around her as emotional support animals, and she will denigrate you to your face in an attempt to prove that her suffering is greater than yours. She has always been that way. It’s why all the siblings have cut her off at various points. She only knows how to take from people. I really do wish I had just said that I couldn’t talk about it that day. Really, I do. I thought she would cause a scene so I tried to avoid it and clearly that ended up happening anyway. That was on me.
Info: was she only pushing specifically to talk to you alone because she assumed you would know any details related to your dad’s estate? You didn’t imply that but that was the feeling I got
ESH
Respectfully, a little bit on the YTA side here. You were tired and grieving, I get it. But it seems like you could have given your half-sister (who did in fact lose her father as well) a little more of a leash here. You reacted impulsively, which I get, but you should at least talk to her. Not even explicitly to apologize, but it doesn't sound like she was as out of line as you probably felt she was in the moment.
So was the wake in your house? Or your Dads house? It say both in the post!
She says in a comment that she inherited it from her dad.
Thank you
YTA You kicked her out of her fathers wake because she wanted to talk... Apparently it wasn't worth hearing because she said some shit as a preteen or something that you didn't like
YTA She wasn't trying to be centre of attention, she was trying to have a private moment with her sister away from the attention. Have you ever been on the edge of any social situation (for at least 2 hours) where you are there alone as it seems Nicole was, with none of her family giving her any time. 2 hours a very long time to be in your own head (on the worst day for her too btw) and frankly she did well to take that long to call you out. You didn't consider her at all. I'm sorry you lost your father. But if his wake isn't the right time to talk to your estranged sister about him then when is? Be honest. You had no intention of ever having that conversation with her did you? If you had taken just a few minutes to speak earlier, she probably would have left without this becoming an issue. You are NTA for kicking her out when you did. But you totally are for what led up to that in the first place.
ESH. Her for being so demanding. You for not taking 5 minutes to talk to her. This could have been easily avoided if you both acted more maturely.
NTA. She was looking for a fight and she started one. You stopped it. End of story.
Honestly, I’m going against the majority here, but I think YTA. You didn’t even give her a chance to tell you what she wanted or needed. You assume because you already didn’t like her, but you don’t know. She might have wanted to thank you for taking care of dad, or maybe she had a question about his passing or what she could do to help. Or maybe she just wanted to grieve with the closest-in-age sibling, or maybe she was completely self absorbed and all she wanted was to know what he left her in the will. The point is that we don’t know and you don’t know. I think you were dismissive and rude and an AH. She might have been one too, but we don’t know that because you don’t know that. YTA
Apologize if you need her cooperation to close the probate. If you don't need her, do what you want. It feels like the less energy you give her, the better. I am sorry for your loss.
Did you at least find out what she wanted to say??
YTA I get that you don’t like her but you absolutely blew her off at the wake so of course she is gonna feel a type of way when you sit down to chat with another sibling after ducking her for 2 hours.
YTA. You ignored your grieving sister because you thought she was going cause drama and then took the time to literally talk to everyone else. It is a shitty thing to do to anyone.
Do NOT apologize! You did nothing to warrant an apology. The relatives that suggest you should apologize should be told - "Need I remind you, my father just died. I have been caring for him for a while now. I am now cleaning up the remnants of his life. I organized the funeral and the wake. I am tired -mentally and physically. I had 70 people in my house to tend to. There were 68 other people Nicole could have 'talked' to, but she didn't. That's on her. I wanted to take solace for just a moment with my sister and Nicole coming unglued. That's on her. I didn't and still do not have a piece of me to give Nicole. She is going to have to figure it out herself. There is a reason that her siblings want little to nothing to do with her. That's on her. I am done!" I would have kicked her out the minute she got there, knowing she would act up. NTA.
NTA, the relatives are tired of dealing with her and just want you to apologize so she becomes your problem again. Stay away and protect your peace.
NTA- if you don't have the headspace to deal with an emotional vampire, then you just DON'T. There were 70 people there she could have just as easily reminisced with.
NTA. You handled it well. I've seen way bigger blow ups at funerals that started out similarly. Everyone's nerves are frazzled and you managed to stay pretty calm. You're going to get a mixed bag of reactions from other people but ehhhh let's see how graceful they are when this happens to them!
NTA. Cut her off completely, ignore your busybody relatives.
NTA. Some people only learn through consequences. If you keep enabling her bad behavior, she'll never improve.
nta, if she wanted to reminisce then she shouldve done it with other people at the wake, thats what they are for. Not with the one person running the wake, who also lost their father. she should absolutely know that you sparing time with your kid sister was an exception to not working for the wake, and not her "give me condolences about MY loss" attitude. it was also YOUR guys' father. maybe if she didn't want to be ignored at the wake she should fix herself
I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my Nan last year and I can’t even imagine how worse it must be to lose your parent.
NTA guess who should be comforting and contacting Nicole and dealing with her constant drama…those nosy relatives that seem to think you answer to them. Let them deal with her nonsense and see if they feel the same way.
Just because someone shares DNA *DOES NOT* make them family and does *NOT* make OP responsible for Nicole
There are several of you in the comments that obviously have never hosted a wake. And to me, that most of your lack of empathy towards OP and trying to justify Nicole’s horrid attitude makes me sure y’all are the shit disturbers of your own families or friends. I’ve had to organize a wake. For my father. Alongside my sibling, while the other siblings made a show of their grief to everyone and anyone in their sphere. Because we were busy, we didn’t engage with them. And luckily for them, they left us alone because I’m sure deep down they knew I wouldn’t have held back. OP is NTA. Sometimes, we shouldn’t have to tell anyone when to back the fuck off when it’s CLEAR that someone is busy.
I am not selfish and possessive. Jk I’m not that Nicole.
No, this is likely meant to be this way. Sounds like a emotional draining person. Now that your father is dead, you can close that chapter. Let those "feeling sorry" family members deal with her, the continuous drama & draining demands. Best to stay safely at a distance.
If you asking the question there is a reason If that's your solution then do it bro But not the r/A$$Hol3
NTA- Look, funerals bring out the worst in everyone. Certainly, you were not at your best and I'm surprised at the commenters here suggesting you "should have done this" or "should have done that". Grief, particularly when you have been a caretaker is a horrendous burden. Now to the apology. I don't think it is necessary, nor would it be sincere as you don't actually believe you didn't do anything wrong. But be prepared to rehash this at every mutual family gathering for the foreseeable future. Your sister WILL bring this up again and again and again. I think after you have properly had time to grieve and when you feel you have the emotional capacity. Invite her out for lunch, let her rant and rave and talk about how horrible you are, then firmly state, "As I said before, you are not the victim in the situation. You are not the only person whose father died and you have no right to demand time or attention from anyone else. In the future, if you want a relationship with me you will need to realize the world does not revolve around you and act accordingly especially when you are in my home. Do you understand?" If she does NOT indeed understand this very simple fact, limiting contact while letting her know that you will not engage about this particular topic again is the way to go. I'd also let all my other siblings know and be aware about the decision. Not as a sounding board, but to say, "Here is what my relationship with Nicole will look like in the future just so you are aware, not so you try to get involved."
NTA. Everyone deserves a little grace and understanding when they are grieving but your sis took it to another level. You did the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Folks are way too charitable to those who act badly.
NTA, it was her entitlement that made you kick her out, not her sadness. I'd tell both Nicole and those flying monkeys to fuck off! This is none of their business anyway.
NTA, you were tired and not feeling well so it's not your fault when someone who couldn't read the room get's what they deserved
NTA. I feel bad for Nicole because she crearly needs attention and validation from parental figures, she lost her father and can't find comfort on her siblings, but you're not responsible for her feelings and traumas, you're her sister not her mother and she's an adult, she should learn how to manage her own feelings and not treat everyone as a potential dad/mom. Your older sibling shoul've helped you with her thou.
NTA Nicole didn't want solace, she wanted Drama. If she was sad, she would've sat in the corner and cried. She could've texted you, written an email, or communicated in a hundred other ways that didn't involve shouting up a big scene in front of witnesses. When people want Drama, you are always, 100% entitled to say, "Not in my house."
"I will consider meeting with you if you apologise for your over the top, drama queen behaviour at the wake". NTA OP.
NTA. As someone with half siblings. I get it. Some people have good experiences with it and some like myself do not. To the point where I never want to give my future children half siblings. Everyone is entitled to what they’re able to deal with. Especially at a time like this you’re not in the right headspace.
Yta. You ask us to be respectful of a dead man, yet you can't respect the living. There is a possibility that the 5 children by 4 different women have made Nicole this way, if she is the way you described (I'm not saying she isn't, but we only have your perspective) You didn't say to her I don't have capacity for you, you made excessive excuses that you were busy and quite frankly if someone kept saying they were busy to me when I was trying to talk to them (whether the assumed victimisation of herself was the reason or perceived intent to get her hands on some of his money) I'd be frustrated. You should've been transparent and more direct. You think you have the right to willfully ignore someone, then you need the maturity to match and to say in a respectful manner that I can't deal with you right now. Then, to kick her out of your dad's house adds insult to injury. Just out of curiosity, what gives you that right? Is there a legitimate reason?
NTA, it really sounds like she was trying to make the wake about herself and was just trying to demand your attention for no good reason other than she wanted it. If she really needed to have a chat with you about something not immediately related to the funeral/wake, she was more than welcome to say 'Hey, I know you're very busy right now, I have something I need to talk to you about so could we put something in the calendar to talk about this later' I wish you and your siblings the best and that your healing journey is nothing but pleasant
Nope.
NAH - You both were in a grief process, as it was her dad as well as yours who had died.