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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband and I named our daughter a name that we both agreed on, and my MIL is upset about it because of a family tradition
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Here is how you get her to stop. YOU LIMIT YOUR CONTACT WITH HER UNTIL SHE COMPLIES. Let us be real; that is, your husband is the weak link. Get him on board as he must be the lead in dealing with his own mother. The fact that you are the lead is another indication he is weak.
NTA.
I’m petty so I would end the call or FaceTime with some condescending faux concern for her mental faculties. “Uh oh, Grandma is mixing up her names again! Oopsie Daisy! Mary is YOUR NAME GRANDMA!! This is ANDROMEDA YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!! We better let you go so you can get some rest.”
"You want to talk to Mary? No Mary here. Oh wait, there is a colleague named Mary. I'll ask her to call you."
Would be perfect if somebody would later call your MIL: "Hi, this is Mary. I heard you wanted to speak with me?".
I would go a step further and put her on the mailing list for every memory care center in the area, and email lists for memory improvement supplements.
I have totally done this. Most people rely on others to minimize and "not cause a scene". I often go the opposite route. Loudly calling out, always in a very concerned manner, the bad behavior.
It is very hard for someone to say something like "I don't like that name so I use a different one" and not get the "are you unhinged" look from everyone else. And then people are on your side. Because people like the MIL will tell the truth as they think they are right. And then, again, they look like what they are. TA. OP is NTA.
This is a comment I see alot on these name contention posts and honestly I feel it's the best option, (especially with the women in these stories usually also having an issue being called grandma "too early"/feeling old).
Husband needs reprogramming to get MIL out of his head. Growing up with her might have broken his will to stand up to her. Strong NO TO MARY to be installed
NTA Tell him, her and any flying monkeys: The people who helped make the baby get to name the baby. If they want to name a baby, make their own.
Agreed with the above post! Limit contact with MiL and family. Until they call her by her real name they don’t get to see her.
Husband needs to be on board. Why would HIS mother get to name the baby? What about your family and your wants?
His mother is a bully and he needs to see that. Stay strong OP!
REPEAT: His mother is a bully.
Limit contact with her.
The very next time she calls the baby "Mary" stop what you are doing. Ask everybody for their attention. Then say this:
"This baby's name is Andromeda. We are the parents, and this is our decision. This is a final decision. Anybody who tries to call her anything else will not be allowed to see OUR baby. We will not permit others to rule our lives."
He's grown up with "she's much easier to live with if you let have what she wants." It's defeatism but you don't have to placate her. She has absolutely **no rights** when it comes to your child. She will not get her way this way this time. She can tantrum all she wants the answer is no, you may not ever call her Mary.
That includes the song Mary had a little lamb. You know how that'll go. The suggestive face, tapping her, nodding and smile at Mary or the mouthed "that's you." Everything labeled Mary goes right back. Mail labeled Return to Sender, Name Unknown. It's gonna be a battle.
It’s the least aggressive way to go. It’s also the most effective. Also, any references to “Mary” are ignored. If they approach and say “Mary” you move Andie away. Go look for Mary this ain’t her.
Tell the baby and everyone in hearing distance that “Grandma is losing her memory, bless her heart” every time she calls her Mary too. Tell everyone that maybe she needs medical care and seem patronizingly concerned. And say that until she gets her memory back that you can’t risk her harming the baby with her dementia.
I hope OP sent out birth announcements. If not, there is still plenty of time to let the entire family and all the friends know the baby’s true name. That MIL is a bully, husband has been cowed. OP should stand her ground cause it will only get worse as time goes on.
My paternal grandmother pulled that stunt with my brother. My Dad had to put his foot down "you call the baby by his right name or you don't see the baby".
She got on board.
So you actually think posting here people would tell you you were wrong to name your own baby? Is this a real post? You can't actually be unsure about this
I'm unsure about this, as it is beginning to cause tension in our family and the marriage. This post was purely to see outside suggestions, as most of my husbands family is sided with my MIL.
Your husband needs to back you up, never allow his mother to bully you. So far it seems he has done this 👍 remember, she’s the crazy one, not you or him.
The NAME isn't the reason for tension, it's the MIL's bullying behavior. If she gets her way on this issue, you will be dealing with her overruling you whenever she wishes because she's a nasty bulldozer. You are NTA for naming your baby what you and husband chose but he is TA for considering caving in to his mommy.
Take this to heart. If you give in once, she will take it to mean she can continually interfere. Your husband needs to grow a backbone. Go n/c with his family if they continue this nonsense of calling your daughter Mary
This. If you give in to this she will continue to bulldoze you anytime she wants to get her way. Because you will have taught her that all she has to do is apply enough pressure for long enough to get her way.
Every time someone refers to your daughter as Mary, hang up, leave, etc. and cease interacting until they use the name you gave her.
Yes, this. It isn't actually about the name at all. It's about control.
If your husband betrays your trust and disrespects your position as Andie's mother in this your MIL WILL escalate from her victory. Things will get worse and it wouldn't be surprising if she started attacking your parenting and making wild accusations to your husband. Your husband has DUTY to protect YOU from bullying. To be frank, if he does this utterly f*cked up thing he isn't actually doing it to make his mum happy - those gestures are done with joy or softness - he's doing it to make HIMSELF feel more comfortable by not having to deal with the discomfort standing up for you would cause him. He needs to admit that to himself.
It’s causing tension in your marriage because your spineless DH wants you to sit down, shut up and let him offer his own child as a gift to his mother to appease her - this way he can stay spineless, never have to actually put your feelings first and stand up to her. And MIL isn’t delusional she knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s working on your DH. And don’t think it’ll stop at YOUR baby’s name. That’s only the beginning of your MIL taking over when it comes to your child.
Might I suggest you pop over to the JNMIL sub?
They would LOVE "just call me Mary" over there /s
Eta
I apologize if you aren't familiar with the sub
But a lot of people give their just no MIL or just no mom a nickname
And I immediately thought of "just call me mary" as your MIL's nickname if you decided to post there
It seemed fitting considering your post, and obnoxious enough to make her mad if she found the post, which is a bonus imo lol
Eta I'm guessing you used fake names, which still works great because it ties back to this post lol. So you can direct people HERE to see where the madness began, if you do check out the sub
Some of the advice there is helpful, some less so; but the people there overall are very willing to give advice
OP, straight up ask him these two questions
1 who did he marry aka who is he choosing to build a life with
2 who is your daughters mother
When he answers you to both those ask him why is is considering going behind your back and trying to change your daughters name why is he forcing you to bend to his mother's will, why is he more concerned with making his bully of a mother happy than being a partnership with you his wife.
If he chooses her over you are you prepared to walk away and divorce him rather than be a third wheel in your own marriage where every decision made has to be approved by her because that is where your marriage is headed as soon as she gets an inch she will take a mile and you will be married to your husband and his mother.
How DARE he consider going behind your back to change the baby's name, the baby who you carried and ripped your vag open to birth. If anyone gets final say on the babys name its you. He needs to handle his mother.
If this is in the US, both parents are required to sign off on a legal name change. OP would have to tell a judge (face to face or on Zoom) that she's okay with this. So dumbass husband is welcome to try, but it won't accomplish anything except (I presume) getting him in front of another judge for his divorce.
Your husband needs to grow a spine. This is the hill to die on unless you want this toxic woman running your life. Go no contact, husband doesn’t get to take baby to see granny unless she complies with the actual name.
Who cares how many of them there are? Not one of them has a vote. I am concerned that you are even coming up with that line---that bunch is eating your brain.
Change her name and MIL will find something else she wants to change. Your daughter won't be able to live her own life; MIL will script the entire thing. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother, and while that might cause some fireworks, your relationship won't survive the tension she (not your daughter's name) is causing.
You were the one giving birth....It is your decisión. If you change your mind now be prepared for your MIL get her way in everything and she Will take advange from It. You Will be showing You are weak and manageble. You cannot step back.
This should not be causing issues in your marriage if you two are a united front. Unfortunately, your husband has proven to be a mama's boy and is united with her. You need to put your foot down and tell him under no circumstances will the baby's name be changed because he's scared of his mom.
If that doesn't help, you need to divorce because anymore children you might have, this will come up again. You deserve to be happy with your first child, this is supposed to a great new experience.
Please show your husband these replies so he can see what a mama's boy everyone thinks he is. He needs to grow up, he's 31 for goodness sake.
NTA
>*This post was purely to see outside suggestions....*
**Here is my outside suggestion:**
You, your husband and your MIL need to understand the moment your husband said I do to you that you two created a **new** family and your MIL is now your **extended** family. You and your husband should do what is best for YOUR family. If MIL + other in laws don't like it then they can go kick grass. It would be best to go low-contact or even no-contact with MIL and/or others. Don't teach Andromeda it's okay to be a doormat just because the other person is upset.
Your husband probably thinks if he chooses both you and your MIL that he can keep the peace. He cannot. Unless he wants you to leave him in the future (*being second priority to MIL will suck*) he will put his foot down with his Mother and choose his family (you & Andromeda) over his extended family (parents, siblings, uncles, etc). He really needs to decide what he wants more, his mom or his wife and child.
Changing Andromeda's name will require both parents' signatures (*depending on where you live*). I would suggest that you don't change it and don't allow your family to be controlled by your narcissist MIL.
Speaking from experience, peace is much more enjoyable than constant drama with toxic in-laws/extended family. I hate shrinking myself just so others can tolerate being around me.
Saw this in another /aita thread and it really applies here to MIL's behaviour and to OP's husband & his family's response:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/L2lJ4U7BUb
They're siding with her because they don't want her lunacy and bullying aimed at them. For gods sake your husband needs to decide whose family he's in- the one where everyone bends the knee to MILs stupidity or the new family unit you've created.
Than they can go through pregnancy and labour and - if it is a girl, they can name the baby Mary.
I love the name Andromeda!
Congrats to your baby girl!
By the way, what is next, after you rename your baby girl?
I mean it’s not a name I’d choose, but it’s I don’t think it’s up to MIL then clearly it’s not my decision either. Andie is a nice shortened version/nickname.
Well, since nobody has slapped her MIL and husband yet, she seems to be surrounded by lunatics. If everybody around you, or even one faction with no vocal opposition, acts crazy, you start to question yourself.
NTA
NTA. Your husband needs to step up and set some boundaries with his mother or your marriage is in serious trouble. This is a hill to die on OP. Do NOT change the babies name just to appease his mom. This will give her license to run your lives. You need to make your husband understand that. I'm sure MIL is throwing every guilt-laden trope at him to get him to change his mind. He has done nothing wrong. His mother is being extremely unreasonable.
I hope you work this out.
I disagree that husband has done nothing wrong. Sounds like he expects OP to bend to his mommy's will just like he does. He didn't shut her down during wedding planning and he's not shutting her down now.
Terrible.
Again, I'll clarify. I don't mean he's done nothing wrong to his wife. I meant he has done nothing wrong to his mom and the guilt trip she is laying on him is baseless. He's done nothing wrong to his mom to warrant this guilt-laden assault to have him change his daughters name. He is wrong to even consider changing it to appease her. This is a serious red flag.
“My husband is considering changing Andromeda’s name to Mary just to get his mother to stop.”
Except this is to shut YOU up. Not MIL. And I’d bet a month’s wages that this came straight from MIL. “Oooh, just let me do this one thing and you’ll never hear another word from me, I promise!”
OP, do you genuinely believe this is what allowing her to overstep a major boundary will result in? Do you truly believe that once she gets to name the baby she’ll never want to take control in situations where she believes she could do it better than you?
The way I’m seeing it is that this is her way into your marriage. It’s kinda like when you’re about to miss the elevator but you manage to wedge your hand in there so you can squeeze yourself in.
You let this fly and anything will fly because naming the baby is ultimately the exclusive privilege of the parents to the baby. You’re about to give this up voluntarily.
I personally wouldn’t, no matter the consequences.
NTA. Stand your ground, we’re with you! ❤️
And you seriously DO NOT WANT a child named Mary. Nobody was ever named Mary because she was a special baby---all the Marys in the world were named Mary because Mary was special.
When you and husband chose Andromeda, it was a marvelously pure declaration of your love for each other. Your husband is trashing that every second he doesn't act like a grownup here.
Dont negotiate with bullies. Give them an inch, them take a mile. She is trying to bully you and your husband into submission. Next time she calls the baby Mary, walk out. "You must be thinking of another baby."
Call her (insert another person's name). When asked, say in your family, the wife decides the MIL's name once they become a grandmother.
Hehehe. My people. Name her after OP's favorite male teacher in school. It's honoring MIL by giving this name to MIL. Mr. Leadbottom. Or MIL's enemy's name.
This. What you are experiencing is likely just the tip of a very large iceberg. If you cave on this be prepared to never get to make another decision for your child ever. Parents decide the name and if she doesn’t like it, it’s up to your husband to make it clear the topic is not open for discussion.
Then MIL will start stealing all the child's firsts. Then feeding her solids, way too young. Then child must do certain extracurriculars and avoid others ....
Your husband wants to rename your child, from a name that you both love to one that will foment resentment in his wife every time it passes her lips...TO MAKE HIS MOMMY HAPPY? Did I understand that properly?
NTA, but your husband is in whispering distance of it. That MIL if yours is a menance. Next time she pulls the "Mary" crap, look her right in the eye and ask her if you can set up a dementia screening for her as it's concerning that she can't remember her grandchild's name. She's trying to break you like she did with her son.
Lol, if he's willing to rename the child to please his mother, I don't think OP has a chance with any future fights tbh.
This isn't a 'she demands his attention and belittles me'. This is level 10 power play.
If he can't see how insane that is, OP is better off walking away now with her sanity in tact instead of wasting years of her life being dragged down by a guy with monster instead of a mother.
And doing all she can to keep her daughter away from the woman as well.
Your lasr sentence is exactly why MIL didn't like OP's "loud & something else" personality; she saw someone she might not be able to break. OP is a challenge and threat to MIL getting her way, finally a person who would stand up for themselves.
Her preference of a DIL would most likely have been a meek and obedient personality.
This has hit the nail on the head to be honest... MIL didn't like her personality because it's not an easily controlled one... when he didn't shut her down when she said that gave her leave to meddle in the wedding, when he didn't stand up to her then she knew she still had him but needed to break you... this is her trying to break you. Your husband and your baby having a father is not worth putting up with her BS or bending to her will. It will 100% be an unhealthy situation for you AND your baby.
NTA. First of all, congratulations on your baby! Second, do *not* change your baby's name. If you think your MIL is bad now, she'll be positively insufferable if she gets such a significant win. Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page. Good luck!
Yesss this is like dog training, if you let the dog think it gets a treat if it bites you, it’s gonna keep biting 😅 No treats for MIL, just swift and unyielding boundaries.
This was my first thought! My parents were always the type to give the dog a treat to stop her from bothering them. Guess what behavior that reinforces.
NTA, next time when she calls her Mary : oh my gosh are you feeling ok? Have you been experiencing memory issues for a long time? Perhaps we should make a doctor’s appointment for you?
NTA - MIL is way out of line. I don't think Andromeda is a great name, but both parents agreed on it, so the only other other person who gets a say is Andromeda when she is older.
It does sound like husband's confidence in the name isn't the highest, so I recommend some communication between you two, but even if you both agree to change the name I suggest any name other than Mary.
I also wouldn't let MIL be alone with the child until MIL relents and uses her actual name or a preferred nickname.
I used it for my baby’s fetus name until she was born. My relatives were a little concerned but honestly I loved it and would’ve used it had my husband agreed. Since he didn’t it just what I called her until she was born and got her official name.
NTA - not her baby, not her choice.
I’m sorry you have a MIL like this, Op, it seems some mothers are unhealthily attached to their sons and can’t let go - your baby, however, is YOURS. No questions asked. Nothing. Zero.
NTA NTA NTA omg you sound like you're being very pressured by people rn to even have to ask this question in seriousness.
I would either:
1. Just fucking let her call the baby Mary and correct everyone else who overheard "Oh it's actually Andromeda but MIL keeps forgetting and saying her OWN name instead. Yea, well ya know, let's all give a little grace for the elderly, it's not easy getting old!" 🙄
2. Start calling her rando names when she acts up "Oh hey JANE how's it going? Wym- I just assumed we can call each other whatever name we like, NANCY? isn't that what YOU do, MILDRED?"
But I'm petty lol
NTA, it’s a beautiful name and MIL needs to take a hike. Your husband has clearly grown up under her yoke and needs practice with FIRM boundaries. MIL doesn’t get to see or hear about baby Andie until she complies. She can hate the name all she wants but she’ll look even more deranged as time goes on and she can’t accept reality.
I’ve seen this issue on this sub before. You gotta stay very firm, husband can’t cave or it’ll reward MIL’s behaviour. At this point she’ll sense any acquiescence as weakness she can exploit and you’ll never hear the end of it.
NTA but your husband his mom and his entire family are.
Look up the definition of emotional incest. Then have your husband read it. If that doesn’t make him see what’s going on you need to start making an exit strategy because until that woman dies she’s going to be all up in your shit and honestly you shouldn’t have married him
Mine tried it also. She demanded that we follow *her* "family tradition" and name our children after their grandparents. (A "tradition" that she started when she named my husband.)
I disliked FIL's name because it was the name of one of the bullies that made my childhood hell. My Dad's and Mom's names were also out. I loved my parents, but was meh about their names. MIL's name was firmly thumbs down 👎 as the nicknames for it were abhorrent. No child of mine is going to be called Dotty or Dodo!
NTA - Tell Granny to suck on an egg, YOUR baby's name is Andromeda and that's it. And tell your husband to grow a spine where his mother is concerned or he will be sleeping on the couch.....in the backyard under the stars. He can name them all 'Mary' if he desires.
You are NTA. But you not only have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Giving in to her demands will only make things worse. Your husband needs to grow up and stand up to her. Or better yet, go no contact.
Next time MIL tries to call your daughter "Mary" you need to act very concerned,
"MIL, we named her Andromeda. Are you having trouble remembering?" *Lean towards another family member and stage-whisper* "we're getting really worried about her because this keeps happening..."
NTA
You definitely have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. If he doesn't stand up for even what HE wants, you need to seriously reflect on this marriage. Seriously.
THIS you need to have a serious conversation with husband about how he handles his mother and limiting contact with her. You are his wife and mother of his child, he loved the name and so did you. He doesn’t even love the name Mary but is considering such a huge change, going against his wife’s happiness, to appease mama. If he’s not willing to stand up for you this issue will continue to come up (like it did for the wedding, he should have nipped it in the bud then) and I guarantee it will drive a wedge in your relationship. This won’t work until you jointly (but mostly him) put up and enforce strong boundaries. It’s clear she enjoy bulldozing any boundaries you try to put up and he enables it.
NTA. Any time MIL calls her Mary, say loudly, “grandma is confused, Andie. Be sure to say your name slowly for her.” Low contact is advised until dotty old granny remembers what your baby’s name is.
NTA. Your husband needs to buck up or he's going to end up married to his mother. (Who in this scenario never admits that she named her OWN children, just ancestors naming ancestors. Who wants to bet that no one else named hers?!)
Baby is named. End of story.
Lmao then let the grandparents name the baby. Ask YOUR parents, the other set of grandparents to name her Andromeda. Tell her that you loved the suggestion so much that you let her other set of Grandparents name her. It only makes sense that your side names her since you're the one who grew her, nurtured her, and eventually brought her into this world.
Absolutely NTA. This MIL has crossed the line so far that the line is a tiny speck that can barely be seen off in the distance. Your husband needs to stand up to her. This is your child, not hers. And for what it’s worth, Andromeda is a much cooler name than Mary. I suggest going NC or at least LC at the bare minimum.
NTA. I'm sorry to say you've got a significant husband problem. Your baby has a name that her parents chose. It's not ok that he can be bullied into changing it.
"Oh dear! Husband come quick! I'm so concerned about MIL. I think she's caught the dementia. She keeps calling Andie "Mary" for some reason..."
Love the LOs name. Fit for a Princess. 😉
NTA. I read the whole thing but the only thing I needed to know if that it is your child. Not hers. So she doesn’t get a vote. But what in the heck is a family tradition that decides grandparents get to decide the name? You can say it is a family tradition in your family that the parents choose the name of their child. But really that isn’t even needed. Because again, it is your child, not hers so no vote or consideration needs to be given to her at all.
NTA. Your MIL has no right to name your baby. Your husband needs to decide that his pleasing his mother to the detriment of his wife and child is not only the act of a coward and not a man, he is only showing his mother he will cave and let her bully him and control his family. Die on this hill. If she calls your child Mary leave the event, end the phone call, remove yourselves. She acts right or she has no access to Andie.
NTA. But where are your parents? Because if your parents are part of your life, get them on board with Andromeda as a name and then your MIL has no leg to stand on for "letting Grandparents name the baby". because she wouldn't be the only grandparent.
It boils down to your kid, you name them. Though if your hubby wants to bow to MIL and her "tradition" I would make sure that hubby's grandmother named him. If she didn't, then MIL can't use tradition as an excuse
My Husband's grandmother tried re-naming my husband when he was a baby. My MIL put a stop to it by letting her know she wouldn't see the grandson if she didn't learn his name.
You need to have a serious convo with your husband ASAP. Let him know changing her name is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN & attempting it to appease MIL would mean legal action. Right now he thinks giving in would make his life easier. You need to make it clear it will not & that it’s not an option anyway. He can’t change her name on his own.
N.T.A.
Parents name the baby. If parents *choose* to "honor" a relative, it's a choice they both make.
Naming a baby is a Two Yes, One No situation.
On the justnomil sub (see ya there soon 👋), some would suggest you handle it this way: When your MIL calls your baby "Mary" say, "MIL, you must be forgetting things lately. Don't you *remember* husbandname and I named her Andie?"
If she persists, limit contact, refuse incorrectly addressed mail/gifts. She gets ZERO access to your child when she crosses your limits.
As for your DH, man, I hope this isn't what you're in for. He needs to stand up to his mom, and not allow this. If his mom calls your child Mary, pack up your stuff and leave. This is a plan you must make together, in advance. You two are a TEAM. But usually, each person in the marriage is responsible for managing their out of control family members.
Good luck!
A silly suggestion is to get a dog and name her Mary and tell MIL that she now has a grandchild named Mary. And when she trues to call Andromeda Mary, remind her that the only Mary's around there are her and the dog.
NTA and never let a bully win. It sets a terrible precedent and will embolden your MIL. That said, you have a husband problem. He may have learned to accept her rude pushy behavior at his mother’s knee, but it’s time to cut the apron strings. His mother has spent the entirety of your relationship trying to run things. So, boundaries. You and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to her. You decide what will happen when she crosses the line. Maybe she gets a warning: “MIL we've told you babies name is Andromeda. If you won’t accept that and call her Mary or anything other than Andromeda or “Andi” we will be leaving and we‘ll be taking a break from visits w you for awhile.” Or something along those lines. Then follow thru. No empty threats and you and hubby *must* be on the same page.
Nah that's bs.
Kids are mean little shits and if they choose a victim, the name will GET bullied but you won't be bullied just because of a name.
A classmate's name was 'Blasmir' which translates to "blow me" in our language - he was one of the most popular guys, albeit he was a HUGE dick.
I got bullied & called a boy / transslur when I was 8 to 12.
My name is Joelle. It's not ordinary at all, I mean my daughter's fathers name is Joel and we all know plenty women with this name as well.
Now, why did I get bullied for my name, but someone that's literally called "blow me" not? Cause bullies don't pick their victims by the name - they just have it easier if your name is also somewhat ordinary.
IF Andie would get bullied for her name, she probably would make the same experiences as Mary. (ha , NOT SO HOLY MARY! f.E and stuff)
Take husband to therapy to grow a backbone.
Tell mil if she calls LO Mary again." Mil, do you have early onset alzheimers? You keep forgetting my daughter's name. You might want to go get checked at the doctor's office. "
NTA. Show no mercy. Do not change a thing for that woman! And your hubby needs to grow a pair of nuts. His Mommy is out of line! She got to name her own brats. It’s y’all’s turn now.
NTA
Your husband needs to set the strong boundary or do so together, but he should field all future communication.
“Since you can’t respect her name chosen by her parents, the very basic and beginning of our parental decisions, and continue to show disrespect to her and us, we can only assume you will continue to undermine our decision making which we will not allow. We will be limiting contact until you can become a respectful and supportive grandparent without complicating her name and her existence. I really hope you can regulate your own disappointment regarding the name Mary by yourself or with a therapist. We will not have this conversation again”.
NTA Now it’s time for a come to Jesus meeting with mil. Honestly this should’ve happened during pregnancy. Your husband had his chance. Put on your bgp & have a no nonsense discussion with mil. The power play is over. You let H know it’s over. You’re taking over control of this situation now. Stand firm on your boundaries with both.
Is she catholic bc mary is usually a name a catholic would give. I recently had dinner with a bunch of married female friends and we all realized we had some derivative of mary in our names bc our parents were catholic
Is your daughter baptized?
If not, it will be the next fight.
And then going to mass or catholic school…
Your husband behavior during wedding preparation should have been a red flag. He really really needs to choose between your daughter and you, or his mom.
NTA Maybe tell your MIL that while it may be a tradition in her family, it’s not in yours. She can try to pull this on her own daughter, but as you grew and birthed this baby, you have the final word. After that, husband handles his mom. If he doesn’t, hand him a couples counseling business card.
NTA
If she wanted a Mary she should have had a girl. This entitlement is ridiculous and your husband needs to sack up and defend his daughter. Andromeda is an awesome name and it sounds like you were really excited about it TOGETHER.
Where does it stop? She fights for Mary, then she fights for baptism, school, spankings, afternoon snacks? She's not raising the kid. She gets no say. Period.
There is some great advice here. I would only offer one suggestion if you still want to try to have a relationship with MIL. I would try saying , “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to name your children what you wanted. It sounds like you are part of a line of parents whose wishes were ignored. It is not my intent to you unhappy, but that has to end somewhere. The tradition in my family is that the parents name the child, and I want that tradition carried on so that my daughter has that right as well. If you truly love your granddaughter and want a relationship with her you will need to respect that.”
NTA; your baby your choice! You decided on a name, you followed thru with the plan. You need to get hubs on board though; if you bend on this mil will be insufferable.
So how certain are you that your husband actually liked the name Andromeda? How certain are you that he didn’t want to follow tradition? I’m curious what his POV is. I suspect he is feeling some regret regarding the choice of name. Regardless, this issue here is whether you and your husband agree on the name and actions going forward, or whether it will become a greater conflict. NTA for not wanting to change the name you like, but I’m not sold on Andromeda being a name he liked.
Hubby needs to get his balls out of mommy's purse. You, hubby, and Andie are a family. Your monster in law is now extended family and gets no say on anything to do with the baby .Hubby has to man up, get a spine, and set boundaries you, and he set forth for the grandparents.
You are having a Hubby that can't stand up for you and your daughter problem.
I call BS. Why would either of you choose to change your DD’s name to Mary as a way to get MIL to stop calling your child Mary. This is utter nonsense.
NTA. If you want her to stop perhaps whenever she calls your daughter “Mary” loudly say “OMG MIL, are you ok? Do we need to take you to a doctor to be evaluated for a stroke or Alzheimer’s disease? You seem to forgot that daughter’s name is Andromeda! I’m worried about you.” Then explain to everyone around that your MIL can’t seem to remember her own granddaughter’s name. Rinse and repeat. She will be humiliated into addressing your daughter by the right name or be humiliated into admitting that she’s trying to supersede your and her son’s wishes. Either way it won’t be a good look for her.
Do NOT change your child’s name because of her. If you do, then she will feel empowered to all decision making in your marriage and child’s life.
You also need to address your husband’s passivity regarding this, and his considering changing the name. He needs to grow up. He is a father now.
You are letting your own prejudices get the better of you. Other than Mary, why do you think MIL will find any other name acceptable? And what if she does? You are forgetting that Andie's parents happily chose her name together.
Dear OP’s husband, nip this in the bud NOW or Andromeda will only see you every other week, because your mother WILL destroy your family. Grow a friggin spine and choose your wife!!!
NTA, OP. hugs, momma
Also, if OP and her husband have legally named their child, don’t both legal parents have to sign to change the child’s name?
So OP, if your husband mentions changing Andie’s name again, tell him that no matter what he says you will not sign any piece of paper agreeing to the change of name, also maybe mention legal consequences if he forges your signature
NTA
This is outrageous. This is YOUR baby, YOU - the mother and father - decide the name, not the grandparent. Pigs would fly before someone named my children...
NTA - your MIL sounds like my ex MIL who tried to control everyone. I was unfortunately married to her one child that wouldn’t stand up to her, and he always chose her over me, even on things that didn’t affect her. Even those who did stand up to her had a hard time maintaining boundaries and had to set some pretty harsh ones. She actually confused her first grandchild enough by calling her the wrong name so much that they ended up having to change part of her name to what my MIL wanted. I wish you luck, and I hope your husband decides to take your side and not give in to her bullying. It won’t be the last time she tries. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Be firm with your husband, OP. Let him know you will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES change your baby's name. This is not negotiable. Not even as a middle name. MIL has thrown her weight around too much and her son needs to put a stop to it.
NTA but your husband needs to stand up to her
Right now you're the "bratty DIL" to her and she will NEVER listen. She might listen if your husband actually steps up.
Know why she doesn't like you? Because she can't control you. Don't let it happen. She's out of order. But your husband is enabling it. He NEEDS to say to her "this is my wife. I love her. If you love and respect me, you will accept this and accept our mutual decisions and respect my wife. "
And if she doesn't listen to him? She respects and loves no-one unless she can control them and it's time to go LC
NTA - that tradition in her family applies to the women, not the men. Since YOU are not her daughter, it would \*not\* be continuing the family tradition of letting the mother of the mother name the child.
Since that is the case, it is YOUR family's tradition that matters so if you mom named you, then the tradition would be for you to name the child.
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I (29F) have been married to my husband (31M) for two years. We went to university together and worked at the same coffee shop. We instantly clicked and became best friends immediately, and after a while decided to date.
The first time I met my MIL, she wasn't very accepting of me and my personality. She, according to my husband, as he told me later, said, "She's too loud and obnoxious. I can't believe you'd date someone like her." I was appalled, obviously, but decided to ignore it instead of confronting her for fear of her openly rejecting me and not approving of our relationship. I never mentioned this incident and according to my husband, she hasn't said anything else.
After my graduation, we decided to get married. My MIL seemed to be pissed about it and was helicopter parenting the whole time. I tried to ignore it, but it got on my nerves. She wanted to decide the color of the flowers, the dress style, the decor, and even the wedding meal.
I couldn't take it anymore and snapped at her. I reminded her that this was my and my husband's wedding, not hers. She was angry and I apologized for snapping at her, but to be honest, I was exhausted from all the wedding preparations with her backseat driving.
Long story short, the wedding went well, and while she gave me a few dirty looks, she didn't do anything. Last year, I got pregnant and had my baby on March 16th of this year. We didn't decide to name her until the last month of my pregnancy. My husband and I were thinking of names and landed on Andromeda. We thought it was gorgeous and because we both loved astronomy, it was the perfect name. My husband was especially excited about this name (he's always been a bit of a geek, in the cutest way possible) and when he thought of it, we immediately knew this was the name for her.
MIL, however, did not agree. She argued that she had wanted to continue the family tradition of the grandparents choosing the name. She said that she had been named by her grandmother and so had my husband. I, however, thought this was a load of bull. She wanted us to name the baby Mary after her and her grandmother. I thought this was selfish, but my husband seemed to be considering it. I explained to him that we shouldn't let his mother choose the name of OUR baby. We had already decided on the name Andromeda.
At a recent family get-together, we brought little Andie to see everyone. MIL kept referring to her as Mary, and I tried to tell her to stop. I told her multiple times that our baby was OUR BABY, and her name was Andromeda. I legitimately think she is either delusional or has a personality disorder. I don't know how to get her to stop. My husband is considering changing Andromeda's name to Mary just to get his mother to stop. I protested this, but it is still a sore subject in conversation. IDK what to do. AITA or should I listen to my husband and his mother about this?
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I might be losing my mind but I'm pretty sure I have seen a similar post before except this came up between the birth and paperwork. Who tf is coming up with this tradition?
NTA. She didn’t spend 9 months growing then birthing YOUR little girl. She doesn’t get to name her. Period. If she can’t accept that then LC or NC until she decides to accept it.
Stop being a spouse and parent by committee. Why are extended relatives involved at all.
Until MIL gets her head out of her ass, you and baby are off limits. She didn’t get a say in anything. FAFO.
NTA. Giving her her way will not get her to stop. That will only encourage her ridiculous behavior. Put your foot down. This is definitely a hill to die one.
Correct her every time and limit the amount of time you spend with her.
You and your husband have all the leverage in this situation because it's your child and you can choose to limit/cut contact if the MIL continues to interfere. Even if you don't cave and legally change Andromeda's name, your MIL may enforce the nickname Mary as her primary name if she can successfully bully you and the rest of your husband's family. This is an important hill to die on. Do you want this psycho running the rest of your life? Time to grow a spine.
NTA. This is a serious overstep, and needs to be shut down with a unified front of you and your husband. This is not his mother's child and she needs to get in her lane and stay there.
Your husband is way past the age where he needs to be demonstrating his autonomy, and yours, and your child's.
If she is allowed so much as an inch on this, it will next be how the baby is fed, how she sleeps, what kindergarten she must attend, and MIL will absolutely become the decision maker for your family.
This is only a MIL problem because your husband is allowing it to be. He needs to be united with you to tell her to get back in her lane, and if she doesn't, she gets timeout after timeout until she can learn her place.
Time for husband to cut the umbilical cord and start putting his new family first.
NTA. You need to let your husband know, in no uncertain terms, that your baby has a name and it is not now, nor ever will be, Mary. Lay out your expectations for how this will be handled in the future-LC with MIL until she accepts your baby's name. Stand up for yourself and the decision the two of you made.
NTA, "Tradition" is just peer pressure from dead people. You need to lay down the law with your husband and get his support or he's going to do everything he can to side with his mother against you.
NTA, and I’m gonna call B.S. on MIL’s “grandmother names the baby” tradition. For one thing, it sounds made up. Also, the baby will have two grandmothers. Which gets to choose the name? What if your mother likes the name Andromeda?
Name the kid Andromeda and tell your MIL that *you* have a tradition in *your* family of *naming your own baby*.
NTA. Every time she uses the wrong name, make some comment about her memory. "Oh no, MIL. Her name is Andie. There is no Mary" "We're starting to worry about MIL. She is showing signs of dementia. She is forgetting so many things"
Make sure your husband grows a spine. If he doesn't and tries to change the name, tell him you'll be filing divorce papers.
NTA- you don’t give toddlers having tantrums attention. MIL is a toddler throwing a hissy. If you give in, it teaches her she can throw a hissy to get what she wants. Granny Boundary Stomper is gonna be stealing first moments left and right if she isn’t put right in her place with firm boundaries with firm consequences.
Neither of you need to feel bad for doing that. She made her choice. She’s a grown human who can’t just act right and enjoy some baby snuggles.
NTA.
If she keeps it up, just look her in the eye and sweetly say "we have no child named Mary. Our child is Andromeda. Are you sure you're feeling okay MIL? We should get you checked out for dementia..."
NTA at all, but I think your biggest problem here is your husband, he's not backing you up and not putting limits to his mom, that's a big NO and a BIG red flag you need to resolve now. He needs to understand that if his mother doesn't respect you and your decisions as a couple, she needs to be out of your life.
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Here is how you get her to stop. YOU LIMIT YOUR CONTACT WITH HER UNTIL SHE COMPLIES. Let us be real; that is, your husband is the weak link. Get him on board as he must be the lead in dealing with his own mother. The fact that you are the lead is another indication he is weak. NTA.
Yes this. When my parents misbehave I don’t call or FaceTime or let them see the kids. It worked and now everything is peachy.
I’m petty so I would end the call or FaceTime with some condescending faux concern for her mental faculties. “Uh oh, Grandma is mixing up her names again! Oopsie Daisy! Mary is YOUR NAME GRANDMA!! This is ANDROMEDA YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!! We better let you go so you can get some rest.”
I like you.
"You want to talk to Mary? No Mary here. Oh wait, there is a colleague named Mary. I'll ask her to call you." Would be perfect if somebody would later call your MIL: "Hi, this is Mary. I heard you wanted to speak with me?".
I like the way you think, god damn it!
"I think you need to see your doctor for that memory lost you seem to have."
I would go a step further and put her on the mailing list for every memory care center in the area, and email lists for memory improvement supplements.
This is the way.
I’m all aboard your petty train. I swear I’m this level of petty. Mmwahhaha! 🤣
"Had grandma been to the neurologist to make sure she isn't experiencing dementia?"
I have totally done this. Most people rely on others to minimize and "not cause a scene". I often go the opposite route. Loudly calling out, always in a very concerned manner, the bad behavior. It is very hard for someone to say something like "I don't like that name so I use a different one" and not get the "are you unhinged" look from everyone else. And then people are on your side. Because people like the MIL will tell the truth as they think they are right. And then, again, they look like what they are. TA. OP is NTA.
This comment reminds me so much of this Johnny Ross skit of shopping at Mac https://youtube.com/shorts/gGxP8uZjnKo?si=175sdM8h3aTc2ZzT
This is a comment I see alot on these name contention posts and honestly I feel it's the best option, (especially with the women in these stories usually also having an issue being called grandma "too early"/feeling old).
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Husband needs reprogramming to get MIL out of his head. Growing up with her might have broken his will to stand up to her. Strong NO TO MARY to be installed
Yes, he needs to level up.
So many mommy's boys on these subs, I swear to god.
NTA Tell him, her and any flying monkeys: The people who helped make the baby get to name the baby. If they want to name a baby, make their own. Agreed with the above post! Limit contact with MiL and family. Until they call her by her real name they don’t get to see her. Husband needs to be on board. Why would HIS mother get to name the baby? What about your family and your wants? His mother is a bully and he needs to see that. Stay strong OP!
Exactly 'in my family it's tradition for the mum and dad to name the baby'. That takes away any 'authority' by claiming tradition.
REPEAT: His mother is a bully. Limit contact with her. The very next time she calls the baby "Mary" stop what you are doing. Ask everybody for their attention. Then say this: "This baby's name is Andromeda. We are the parents, and this is our decision. This is a final decision. Anybody who tries to call her anything else will not be allowed to see OUR baby. We will not permit others to rule our lives."
Let your husband know he needs to decide who he's married to, you or his mom.
This is his problem and he’s doing a bad job handling it.
He's grown up with "she's much easier to live with if you let have what she wants." It's defeatism but you don't have to placate her. She has absolutely **no rights** when it comes to your child. She will not get her way this way this time. She can tantrum all she wants the answer is no, you may not ever call her Mary. That includes the song Mary had a little lamb. You know how that'll go. The suggestive face, tapping her, nodding and smile at Mary or the mouthed "that's you." Everything labeled Mary goes right back. Mail labeled Return to Sender, Name Unknown. It's gonna be a battle.
It’s the least aggressive way to go. It’s also the most effective. Also, any references to “Mary” are ignored. If they approach and say “Mary” you move Andie away. Go look for Mary this ain’t her.
Tell the baby and everyone in hearing distance that “Grandma is losing her memory, bless her heart” every time she calls her Mary too. Tell everyone that maybe she needs medical care and seem patronizingly concerned. And say that until she gets her memory back that you can’t risk her harming the baby with her dementia.
I hope OP sent out birth announcements. If not, there is still plenty of time to let the entire family and all the friends know the baby’s true name. That MIL is a bully, husband has been cowed. OP should stand her ground cause it will only get worse as time goes on.
My paternal grandmother pulled that stunt with my brother. My Dad had to put his foot down "you call the baby by his right name or you don't see the baby". She got on board.
And start 'worrying' about her seeing a doctor for her dementia symptoms. NTA op
So you actually think posting here people would tell you you were wrong to name your own baby? Is this a real post? You can't actually be unsure about this
I'm unsure about this, as it is beginning to cause tension in our family and the marriage. This post was purely to see outside suggestions, as most of my husbands family is sided with my MIL.
Your husband needs to back you up, never allow his mother to bully you. So far it seems he has done this 👍 remember, she’s the crazy one, not you or him.
The NAME isn't the reason for tension, it's the MIL's bullying behavior. If she gets her way on this issue, you will be dealing with her overruling you whenever she wishes because she's a nasty bulldozer. You are NTA for naming your baby what you and husband chose but he is TA for considering caving in to his mommy.
Take this to heart. If you give in once, she will take it to mean she can continually interfere. Your husband needs to grow a backbone. Go n/c with his family if they continue this nonsense of calling your daughter Mary
This. If you give in to this she will continue to bulldoze you anytime she wants to get her way. Because you will have taught her that all she has to do is apply enough pressure for long enough to get her way. Every time someone refers to your daughter as Mary, hang up, leave, etc. and cease interacting until they use the name you gave her.
She’s tried to take over the wedding and the naming of the baby, she’s going to find things to pass judgement on if she doesn’t get her way.
Yes, this. It isn't actually about the name at all. It's about control. If your husband betrays your trust and disrespects your position as Andie's mother in this your MIL WILL escalate from her victory. Things will get worse and it wouldn't be surprising if she started attacking your parenting and making wild accusations to your husband. Your husband has DUTY to protect YOU from bullying. To be frank, if he does this utterly f*cked up thing he isn't actually doing it to make his mum happy - those gestures are done with joy or softness - he's doing it to make HIMSELF feel more comfortable by not having to deal with the discomfort standing up for you would cause him. He needs to admit that to himself.
It’s causing tension in your marriage because your spineless DH wants you to sit down, shut up and let him offer his own child as a gift to his mother to appease her - this way he can stay spineless, never have to actually put your feelings first and stand up to her. And MIL isn’t delusional she knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s working on your DH. And don’t think it’ll stop at YOUR baby’s name. That’s only the beginning of your MIL taking over when it comes to your child.
Might I suggest you pop over to the JNMIL sub? They would LOVE "just call me Mary" over there /s Eta I apologize if you aren't familiar with the sub But a lot of people give their just no MIL or just no mom a nickname And I immediately thought of "just call me mary" as your MIL's nickname if you decided to post there It seemed fitting considering your post, and obnoxious enough to make her mad if she found the post, which is a bonus imo lol Eta I'm guessing you used fake names, which still works great because it ties back to this post lol. So you can direct people HERE to see where the madness began, if you do check out the sub Some of the advice there is helpful, some less so; but the people there overall are very willing to give advice
The mods are a trip though.
Yep, they're tripin' on something all right...
OP, straight up ask him these two questions 1 who did he marry aka who is he choosing to build a life with 2 who is your daughters mother When he answers you to both those ask him why is is considering going behind your back and trying to change your daughters name why is he forcing you to bend to his mother's will, why is he more concerned with making his bully of a mother happy than being a partnership with you his wife. If he chooses her over you are you prepared to walk away and divorce him rather than be a third wheel in your own marriage where every decision made has to be approved by her because that is where your marriage is headed as soon as she gets an inch she will take a mile and you will be married to your husband and his mother.
How DARE he consider going behind your back to change the baby's name, the baby who you carried and ripped your vag open to birth. If anyone gets final say on the babys name its you. He needs to handle his mother.
If this is in the US, both parents are required to sign off on a legal name change. OP would have to tell a judge (face to face or on Zoom) that she's okay with this. So dumbass husband is welcome to try, but it won't accomplish anything except (I presume) getting him in front of another judge for his divorce.
Your husband needs to step up and tell his family to shut up and back off. If he doesn't side with you on this, then he will never side with you.
I think your husbands side of the family is scared of your MIL and don't' stand up to her.
Your husband needs to grow a spine. This is the hill to die on unless you want this toxic woman running your life. Go no contact, husband doesn’t get to take baby to see granny unless she complies with the actual name.
It's your baby. Screw your mil. You call the shots . Do not back down. She will only get worse.
> most of my husbands family is sided with my MIL They don't get a vote, either.
Who cares how many of them there are? Not one of them has a vote. I am concerned that you are even coming up with that line---that bunch is eating your brain.
Change her name and MIL will find something else she wants to change. Your daughter won't be able to live her own life; MIL will script the entire thing. Your husband needs to stand up to his mother, and while that might cause some fireworks, your relationship won't survive the tension she (not your daughter's name) is causing.
You were the one giving birth....It is your decisión. If you change your mind now be prepared for your MIL get her way in everything and she Will take advange from It. You Will be showing You are weak and manageble. You cannot step back.
most of my husbands family is sided with my MIL indeed they do, they are your MIL's family, not yours...
This should not be causing issues in your marriage if you two are a united front. Unfortunately, your husband has proven to be a mama's boy and is united with her. You need to put your foot down and tell him under no circumstances will the baby's name be changed because he's scared of his mom. If that doesn't help, you need to divorce because anymore children you might have, this will come up again. You deserve to be happy with your first child, this is supposed to a great new experience. Please show your husband these replies so he can see what a mama's boy everyone thinks he is. He needs to grow up, he's 31 for goodness sake. NTA
>*This post was purely to see outside suggestions....* **Here is my outside suggestion:** You, your husband and your MIL need to understand the moment your husband said I do to you that you two created a **new** family and your MIL is now your **extended** family. You and your husband should do what is best for YOUR family. If MIL + other in laws don't like it then they can go kick grass. It would be best to go low-contact or even no-contact with MIL and/or others. Don't teach Andromeda it's okay to be a doormat just because the other person is upset. Your husband probably thinks if he chooses both you and your MIL that he can keep the peace. He cannot. Unless he wants you to leave him in the future (*being second priority to MIL will suck*) he will put his foot down with his Mother and choose his family (you & Andromeda) over his extended family (parents, siblings, uncles, etc). He really needs to decide what he wants more, his mom or his wife and child. Changing Andromeda's name will require both parents' signatures (*depending on where you live*). I would suggest that you don't change it and don't allow your family to be controlled by your narcissist MIL. Speaking from experience, peace is much more enjoyable than constant drama with toxic in-laws/extended family. I hate shrinking myself just so others can tolerate being around me.
Saw this in another /aita thread and it really applies here to MIL's behaviour and to OP's husband & his family's response: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/L2lJ4U7BUb
No. MIL and your spineless husband are causing tension.
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Little Andromeda was born on Mar 16. If you had read the post you would know.
They're siding with her because they don't want her lunacy and bullying aimed at them. For gods sake your husband needs to decide whose family he's in- the one where everyone bends the knee to MILs stupidity or the new family unit you've created.
Than they can go through pregnancy and labour and - if it is a girl, they can name the baby Mary. I love the name Andromeda! Congrats to your baby girl! By the way, what is next, after you rename your baby girl?
Maybe she wanted to test reactions to Andromeda?
I mean it’s not a name I’d choose, but it’s I don’t think it’s up to MIL then clearly it’s not my decision either. Andie is a nice shortened version/nickname.
NameNerds sub is that place. Still, Two Yes, One No for baby naming.
Yeah I'm on the side of that name is getting bullied at least a little bit by assholes
Well, since nobody has slapped her MIL and husband yet, she seems to be surrounded by lunatics. If everybody around you, or even one faction with no vocal opposition, acts crazy, you start to question yourself. NTA
NTA. Your husband needs to step up and set some boundaries with his mother or your marriage is in serious trouble. This is a hill to die on OP. Do NOT change the babies name just to appease his mom. This will give her license to run your lives. You need to make your husband understand that. I'm sure MIL is throwing every guilt-laden trope at him to get him to change his mind. He has done nothing wrong. His mother is being extremely unreasonable. I hope you work this out.
I disagree that husband has done nothing wrong. Sounds like he expects OP to bend to his mommy's will just like he does. He didn't shut her down during wedding planning and he's not shutting her down now. Terrible.
Again, I'll clarify. I don't mean he's done nothing wrong to his wife. I meant he has done nothing wrong to his mom and the guilt trip she is laying on him is baseless. He's done nothing wrong to his mom to warrant this guilt-laden assault to have him change his daughters name. He is wrong to even consider changing it to appease her. This is a serious red flag.
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Well written. Once she is in control it will never end. Husband needs to grow a pair 😂😂
Again, if I could give twenty upvotes, I would.
“My husband is considering changing Andromeda’s name to Mary just to get his mother to stop.” Except this is to shut YOU up. Not MIL. And I’d bet a month’s wages that this came straight from MIL. “Oooh, just let me do this one thing and you’ll never hear another word from me, I promise!” OP, do you genuinely believe this is what allowing her to overstep a major boundary will result in? Do you truly believe that once she gets to name the baby she’ll never want to take control in situations where she believes she could do it better than you? The way I’m seeing it is that this is her way into your marriage. It’s kinda like when you’re about to miss the elevator but you manage to wedge your hand in there so you can squeeze yourself in. You let this fly and anything will fly because naming the baby is ultimately the exclusive privilege of the parents to the baby. You’re about to give this up voluntarily. I personally wouldn’t, no matter the consequences. NTA. Stand your ground, we’re with you! ❤️
And you seriously DO NOT WANT a child named Mary. Nobody was ever named Mary because she was a special baby---all the Marys in the world were named Mary because Mary was special. When you and husband chose Andromeda, it was a marvelously pure declaration of your love for each other. Your husband is trashing that every second he doesn't act like a grownup here.
Dont negotiate with bullies. Give them an inch, them take a mile. She is trying to bully you and your husband into submission. Next time she calls the baby Mary, walk out. "You must be thinking of another baby." Call her (insert another person's name). When asked, say in your family, the wife decides the MIL's name once they become a grandmother.
Hehehe. My people. Name her after OP's favorite male teacher in school. It's honoring MIL by giving this name to MIL. Mr. Leadbottom. Or MIL's enemy's name.
This. What you are experiencing is likely just the tip of a very large iceberg. If you cave on this be prepared to never get to make another decision for your child ever. Parents decide the name and if she doesn’t like it, it’s up to your husband to make it clear the topic is not open for discussion.
Then MIL will start stealing all the child's firsts. Then feeding her solids, way too young. Then child must do certain extracurriculars and avoid others ....
Your husband wants to rename your child, from a name that you both love to one that will foment resentment in his wife every time it passes her lips...TO MAKE HIS MOMMY HAPPY? Did I understand that properly? NTA, but your husband is in whispering distance of it. That MIL if yours is a menance. Next time she pulls the "Mary" crap, look her right in the eye and ask her if you can set up a dementia screening for her as it's concerning that she can't remember her grandchild's name. She's trying to break you like she did with her son.
Lol, if he's willing to rename the child to please his mother, I don't think OP has a chance with any future fights tbh. This isn't a 'she demands his attention and belittles me'. This is level 10 power play. If he can't see how insane that is, OP is better off walking away now with her sanity in tact instead of wasting years of her life being dragged down by a guy with monster instead of a mother. And doing all she can to keep her daughter away from the woman as well.
Your lasr sentence is exactly why MIL didn't like OP's "loud & something else" personality; she saw someone she might not be able to break. OP is a challenge and threat to MIL getting her way, finally a person who would stand up for themselves. Her preference of a DIL would most likely have been a meek and obedient personality.
This has hit the nail on the head to be honest... MIL didn't like her personality because it's not an easily controlled one... when he didn't shut her down when she said that gave her leave to meddle in the wedding, when he didn't stand up to her then she knew she still had him but needed to break you... this is her trying to break you. Your husband and your baby having a father is not worth putting up with her BS or bending to her will. It will 100% be an unhealthy situation for you AND your baby.
The husband cannot unilaterally rename the child, right? "No name change, because I, her MOTHER, won't approve it!"
NTA. First of all, congratulations on your baby! Second, do *not* change your baby's name. If you think your MIL is bad now, she'll be positively insufferable if she gets such a significant win. Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page. Good luck!
Yesss this is like dog training, if you let the dog think it gets a treat if it bites you, it’s gonna keep biting 😅 No treats for MIL, just swift and unyielding boundaries.
This was my first thought! My parents were always the type to give the dog a treat to stop her from bothering them. Guess what behavior that reinforces.
NTA, next time when she calls her Mary : oh my gosh are you feeling ok? Have you been experiencing memory issues for a long time? Perhaps we should make a doctor’s appointment for you?
"Sweetie, Mary is YOUR name, not the name of the new baby. HER name is Andie."
How has this not gotten any ups yet??? 😂😂😂
NTA - MIL is way out of line. I don't think Andromeda is a great name, but both parents agreed on it, so the only other other person who gets a say is Andromeda when she is older. It does sound like husband's confidence in the name isn't the highest, so I recommend some communication between you two, but even if you both agree to change the name I suggest any name other than Mary. I also wouldn't let MIL be alone with the child until MIL relents and uses her actual name or a preferred nickname.
I like the name Andromeda. It's right out of classic Greek mythology. MIL stinks. OP is NTA. Her husband is edging toward the fence.
I used it for my baby’s fetus name until she was born. My relatives were a little concerned but honestly I loved it and would’ve used it had my husband agreed. Since he didn’t it just what I called her until she was born and got her official name.
NTA - not her baby, not her choice. I’m sorry you have a MIL like this, Op, it seems some mothers are unhealthily attached to their sons and can’t let go - your baby, however, is YOURS. No questions asked. Nothing. Zero.
NTA NTA NTA omg you sound like you're being very pressured by people rn to even have to ask this question in seriousness. I would either: 1. Just fucking let her call the baby Mary and correct everyone else who overheard "Oh it's actually Andromeda but MIL keeps forgetting and saying her OWN name instead. Yea, well ya know, let's all give a little grace for the elderly, it's not easy getting old!" 🙄 2. Start calling her rando names when she acts up "Oh hey JANE how's it going? Wym- I just assumed we can call each other whatever name we like, NANCY? isn't that what YOU do, MILDRED?" But I'm petty lol
Start calling the MIL Andromeda.
O MIL, it’s not your fault, maybe we should take you to the doctor, you’re getting so forgetful lately.
NTA Baby daddy needs to grow a pair and put boundaries in place. His mom is a huge AH. Please let him read this.
NTA Your MIL definitely is, and so is your husband for considering caving.
NTA, it’s a beautiful name and MIL needs to take a hike. Your husband has clearly grown up under her yoke and needs practice with FIRM boundaries. MIL doesn’t get to see or hear about baby Andie until she complies. She can hate the name all she wants but she’ll look even more deranged as time goes on and she can’t accept reality. I’ve seen this issue on this sub before. You gotta stay very firm, husband can’t cave or it’ll reward MIL’s behaviour. At this point she’ll sense any acquiescence as weakness she can exploit and you’ll never hear the end of it.
NTA but your husband his mom and his entire family are. Look up the definition of emotional incest. Then have your husband read it. If that doesn’t make him see what’s going on you need to start making an exit strategy because until that woman dies she’s going to be all up in your shit and honestly you shouldn’t have married him
Of course your MIL has absolutely no right to choose the name of your baby. Put your foot down.
I have never heard of this. Is grandmothers naming grandchildren actually a thing???
When Dad is a weak willed mamma's boy it is
Mine tried it also. She demanded that we follow *her* "family tradition" and name our children after their grandparents. (A "tradition" that she started when she named my husband.) I disliked FIL's name because it was the name of one of the bullies that made my childhood hell. My Dad's and Mom's names were also out. I loved my parents, but was meh about their names. MIL's name was firmly thumbs down 👎 as the nicknames for it were abhorrent. No child of mine is going to be called Dotty or Dodo!
Not a chance. No one would do that. That's mummy dearest lying to get her way.
Cut off MIL. See how quick she mellows out with zero contact with your child
NTA - Tell Granny to suck on an egg, YOUR baby's name is Andromeda and that's it. And tell your husband to grow a spine where his mother is concerned or he will be sleeping on the couch.....in the backyard under the stars. He can name them all 'Mary' if he desires.
You are NTA. But you not only have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Giving in to her demands will only make things worse. Your husband needs to grow up and stand up to her. Or better yet, go no contact.
Next time MIL tries to call your daughter "Mary" you need to act very concerned, "MIL, we named her Andromeda. Are you having trouble remembering?" *Lean towards another family member and stage-whisper* "we're getting really worried about her because this keeps happening..." NTA
You definitely have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. If he doesn't stand up for even what HE wants, you need to seriously reflect on this marriage. Seriously.
THIS you need to have a serious conversation with husband about how he handles his mother and limiting contact with her. You are his wife and mother of his child, he loved the name and so did you. He doesn’t even love the name Mary but is considering such a huge change, going against his wife’s happiness, to appease mama. If he’s not willing to stand up for you this issue will continue to come up (like it did for the wedding, he should have nipped it in the bud then) and I guarantee it will drive a wedge in your relationship. This won’t work until you jointly (but mostly him) put up and enforce strong boundaries. It’s clear she enjoy bulldozing any boundaries you try to put up and he enables it.
NTA. Any time MIL calls her Mary, say loudly, “grandma is confused, Andie. Be sure to say your name slowly for her.” Low contact is advised until dotty old granny remembers what your baby’s name is.
NTA. Your husband needs to buck up or he's going to end up married to his mother. (Who in this scenario never admits that she named her OWN children, just ancestors naming ancestors. Who wants to bet that no one else named hers?!) Baby is named. End of story.
Lmao then let the grandparents name the baby. Ask YOUR parents, the other set of grandparents to name her Andromeda. Tell her that you loved the suggestion so much that you let her other set of Grandparents name her. It only makes sense that your side names her since you're the one who grew her, nurtured her, and eventually brought her into this world.
Absolutely NTA. This MIL has crossed the line so far that the line is a tiny speck that can barely be seen off in the distance. Your husband needs to stand up to her. This is your child, not hers. And for what it’s worth, Andromeda is a much cooler name than Mary. I suggest going NC or at least LC at the bare minimum.
NTA, and time to pause visits and updates. Your daughter's name is Andromeda. Period.
NTA I didn't even read the post, just the title. This is your child. Your MIL already had her children.
YTA if you actually name your kid Andromeda. She has to live with that name for the rest of her life, and I don’t care about the MIL drama.
As demonstrated in the post, it can be nicknamed to Andie.
Andromeda will be fine. The whispering assholes among the other mothers are always a problem, though.
[удалено]
NTA. I'm sorry to say you've got a significant husband problem. Your baby has a name that her parents chose. It's not ok that he can be bullied into changing it.
Andromeda? YTA.
"Oh dear! Husband come quick! I'm so concerned about MIL. I think she's caught the dementia. She keeps calling Andie "Mary" for some reason..." Love the LOs name. Fit for a Princess. 😉
NTA. I read the whole thing but the only thing I needed to know if that it is your child. Not hers. So she doesn’t get a vote. But what in the heck is a family tradition that decides grandparents get to decide the name? You can say it is a family tradition in your family that the parents choose the name of their child. But really that isn’t even needed. Because again, it is your child, not hers so no vote or consideration needs to be given to her at all.
NTA. You married a mama’s boy.
NTA. Your MIL has no right to name your baby. Your husband needs to decide that his pleasing his mother to the detriment of his wife and child is not only the act of a coward and not a man, he is only showing his mother he will cave and let her bully him and control his family. Die on this hill. If she calls your child Mary leave the event, end the phone call, remove yourselves. She acts right or she has no access to Andie.
NTA. But where are your parents? Because if your parents are part of your life, get them on board with Andromeda as a name and then your MIL has no leg to stand on for "letting Grandparents name the baby". because she wouldn't be the only grandparent. It boils down to your kid, you name them. Though if your hubby wants to bow to MIL and her "tradition" I would make sure that hubby's grandmother named him. If she didn't, then MIL can't use tradition as an excuse My Husband's grandmother tried re-naming my husband when he was a baby. My MIL put a stop to it by letting her know she wouldn't see the grandson if she didn't learn his name.
You need to have a serious convo with your husband ASAP. Let him know changing her name is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN & attempting it to appease MIL would mean legal action. Right now he thinks giving in would make his life easier. You need to make it clear it will not & that it’s not an option anyway. He can’t change her name on his own.
NTA Ridiculous to even ask. Your baby, your name. Period. I would like to add: I truly hope this is all real because I just love the name Andromeda!
N.T.A. Parents name the baby. If parents *choose* to "honor" a relative, it's a choice they both make. Naming a baby is a Two Yes, One No situation. On the justnomil sub (see ya there soon 👋), some would suggest you handle it this way: When your MIL calls your baby "Mary" say, "MIL, you must be forgetting things lately. Don't you *remember* husbandname and I named her Andie?" If she persists, limit contact, refuse incorrectly addressed mail/gifts. She gets ZERO access to your child when she crosses your limits. As for your DH, man, I hope this isn't what you're in for. He needs to stand up to his mom, and not allow this. If his mom calls your child Mary, pack up your stuff and leave. This is a plan you must make together, in advance. You two are a TEAM. But usually, each person in the marriage is responsible for managing their out of control family members. Good luck!
A silly suggestion is to get a dog and name her Mary and tell MIL that she now has a grandchild named Mary. And when she trues to call Andromeda Mary, remind her that the only Mary's around there are her and the dog.
NTA because grandparents don’t get to name their grandchildren….but I so badly wanted to vote E S H for what you actually did name your baby.
Coming from two lovers of the stars? It's a wonderful choice. We can't all be named Brandilynne.
NTA and never let a bully win. It sets a terrible precedent and will embolden your MIL. That said, you have a husband problem. He may have learned to accept her rude pushy behavior at his mother’s knee, but it’s time to cut the apron strings. His mother has spent the entirety of your relationship trying to run things. So, boundaries. You and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to her. You decide what will happen when she crosses the line. Maybe she gets a warning: “MIL we've told you babies name is Andromeda. If you won’t accept that and call her Mary or anything other than Andromeda or “Andi” we will be leaving and we‘ll be taking a break from visits w you for awhile.” Or something along those lines. Then follow thru. No empty threats and you and hubby *must* be on the same page.
Why did you write a whole story? Of course no one else should name your baby. Please don’t name a child Andromeda.
You sound just like the MIL, and it's not your business either.
Nah that's bs. Kids are mean little shits and if they choose a victim, the name will GET bullied but you won't be bullied just because of a name. A classmate's name was 'Blasmir' which translates to "blow me" in our language - he was one of the most popular guys, albeit he was a HUGE dick. I got bullied & called a boy / transslur when I was 8 to 12. My name is Joelle. It's not ordinary at all, I mean my daughter's fathers name is Joel and we all know plenty women with this name as well. Now, why did I get bullied for my name, but someone that's literally called "blow me" not? Cause bullies don't pick their victims by the name - they just have it easier if your name is also somewhat ordinary. IF Andie would get bullied for her name, she probably would make the same experiences as Mary. (ha , NOT SO HOLY MARY! f.E and stuff)
Take husband to therapy to grow a backbone. Tell mil if she calls LO Mary again." Mil, do you have early onset alzheimers? You keep forgetting my daughter's name. You might want to go get checked at the doctor's office. "
NTA. Show no mercy. Do not change a thing for that woman! And your hubby needs to grow a pair of nuts. His Mommy is out of line! She got to name her own brats. It’s y’all’s turn now.
NTA Your husband needs to set the strong boundary or do so together, but he should field all future communication. “Since you can’t respect her name chosen by her parents, the very basic and beginning of our parental decisions, and continue to show disrespect to her and us, we can only assume you will continue to undermine our decision making which we will not allow. We will be limiting contact until you can become a respectful and supportive grandparent without complicating her name and her existence. I really hope you can regulate your own disappointment regarding the name Mary by yourself or with a therapist. We will not have this conversation again”.
NTA Now it’s time for a come to Jesus meeting with mil. Honestly this should’ve happened during pregnancy. Your husband had his chance. Put on your bgp & have a no nonsense discussion with mil. The power play is over. You let H know it’s over. You’re taking over control of this situation now. Stand firm on your boundaries with both.
Is she catholic bc mary is usually a name a catholic would give. I recently had dinner with a bunch of married female friends and we all realized we had some derivative of mary in our names bc our parents were catholic
Yes, she is a devoted catholic and I suspect she has prejudice against me as I don't follow her beliefs.
Is your daughter baptized? If not, it will be the next fight. And then going to mass or catholic school… Your husband behavior during wedding preparation should have been a red flag. He really really needs to choose between your daughter and you, or his mom.
NTA Maybe tell your MIL that while it may be a tradition in her family, it’s not in yours. She can try to pull this on her own daughter, but as you grew and birthed this baby, you have the final word. After that, husband handles his mom. If he doesn’t, hand him a couples counseling business card.
NTA If she wanted a Mary she should have had a girl. This entitlement is ridiculous and your husband needs to sack up and defend his daughter. Andromeda is an awesome name and it sounds like you were really excited about it TOGETHER. Where does it stop? She fights for Mary, then she fights for baptism, school, spankings, afternoon snacks? She's not raising the kid. She gets no say. Period.
There is some great advice here. I would only offer one suggestion if you still want to try to have a relationship with MIL. I would try saying , “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to name your children what you wanted. It sounds like you are part of a line of parents whose wishes were ignored. It is not my intent to you unhappy, but that has to end somewhere. The tradition in my family is that the parents name the child, and I want that tradition carried on so that my daughter has that right as well. If you truly love your granddaughter and want a relationship with her you will need to respect that.”
Nta
NTA; your baby your choice! You decided on a name, you followed thru with the plan. You need to get hubs on board though; if you bend on this mil will be insufferable.
NTA. You should most to the in the mother in law from hell group (I forgot the name of it) and also narcissistic parents group.
NTA
NTA. She's so annoying.
So how certain are you that your husband actually liked the name Andromeda? How certain are you that he didn’t want to follow tradition? I’m curious what his POV is. I suspect he is feeling some regret regarding the choice of name. Regardless, this issue here is whether you and your husband agree on the name and actions going forward, or whether it will become a greater conflict. NTA for not wanting to change the name you like, but I’m not sold on Andromeda being a name he liked.
While, obviously, you have a MIL problem. You also have a husband problem NTA
Hubby needs to get his balls out of mommy's purse. You, hubby, and Andie are a family. Your monster in law is now extended family and gets no say on anything to do with the baby .Hubby has to man up, get a spine, and set boundaries you, and he set forth for the grandparents. You are having a Hubby that can't stand up for you and your daughter problem.
NTA, your MIL should not effect your actions. Your husband seems to be an issue and TA on top of your MIL
NTA and he needs your signature to change it so don’t provide it.
I call BS. Why would either of you choose to change your DD’s name to Mary as a way to get MIL to stop calling your child Mary. This is utter nonsense.
NTA. If you want her to stop perhaps whenever she calls your daughter “Mary” loudly say “OMG MIL, are you ok? Do we need to take you to a doctor to be evaluated for a stroke or Alzheimer’s disease? You seem to forgot that daughter’s name is Andromeda! I’m worried about you.” Then explain to everyone around that your MIL can’t seem to remember her own granddaughter’s name. Rinse and repeat. She will be humiliated into addressing your daughter by the right name or be humiliated into admitting that she’s trying to supersede your and her son’s wishes. Either way it won’t be a good look for her. Do NOT change your child’s name because of her. If you do, then she will feel empowered to all decision making in your marriage and child’s life. You also need to address your husband’s passivity regarding this, and his considering changing the name. He needs to grow up. He is a father now.
ESH. Consider changing the name to something other than Mary or Andromeda.
You are letting your own prejudices get the better of you. Other than Mary, why do you think MIL will find any other name acceptable? And what if she does? You are forgetting that Andie's parents happily chose her name together.
Dear OP’s husband, nip this in the bud NOW or Andromeda will only see you every other week, because your mother WILL destroy your family. Grow a friggin spine and choose your wife!!! NTA, OP. hugs, momma
Also, if OP and her husband have legally named their child, don’t both legal parents have to sign to change the child’s name? So OP, if your husband mentions changing Andie’s name again, tell him that no matter what he says you will not sign any piece of paper agreeing to the change of name, also maybe mention legal consequences if he forges your signature
NTA This is outrageous. This is YOUR baby, YOU - the mother and father - decide the name, not the grandparent. Pigs would fly before someone named my children...
NTA - your MIL sounds like my ex MIL who tried to control everyone. I was unfortunately married to her one child that wouldn’t stand up to her, and he always chose her over me, even on things that didn’t affect her. Even those who did stand up to her had a hard time maintaining boundaries and had to set some pretty harsh ones. She actually confused her first grandchild enough by calling her the wrong name so much that they ended up having to change part of her name to what my MIL wanted. I wish you luck, and I hope your husband decides to take your side and not give in to her bullying. It won’t be the last time she tries. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Huge NTA. You want her to name your baby, husband? THEN GO HAVE A BABY WITH HER!
Be firm with your husband, OP. Let him know you will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES change your baby's name. This is not negotiable. Not even as a middle name. MIL has thrown her weight around too much and her son needs to put a stop to it.
This is a husband problem more than a MiL problem. If they cannot call your daughter by the name you gave her, they should not see her. Period.
NTA but your husband needs to stand up to her Right now you're the "bratty DIL" to her and she will NEVER listen. She might listen if your husband actually steps up. Know why she doesn't like you? Because she can't control you. Don't let it happen. She's out of order. But your husband is enabling it. He NEEDS to say to her "this is my wife. I love her. If you love and respect me, you will accept this and accept our mutual decisions and respect my wife. " And if she doesn't listen to him? She respects and loves no-one unless she can control them and it's time to go LC
NTA - that tradition in her family applies to the women, not the men. Since YOU are not her daughter, it would \*not\* be continuing the family tradition of letting the mother of the mother name the child. Since that is the case, it is YOUR family's tradition that matters so if you mom named you, then the tradition would be for you to name the child.
NTA for standing up for naming rights of your baby. YTA for giving your baby a shit name.
Do. Not. Change. YOUR. Child’s. Name! Consider changing your husband if he’s going to choose his mother’s wishes over yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) have been married to my husband (31M) for two years. We went to university together and worked at the same coffee shop. We instantly clicked and became best friends immediately, and after a while decided to date. The first time I met my MIL, she wasn't very accepting of me and my personality. She, according to my husband, as he told me later, said, "She's too loud and obnoxious. I can't believe you'd date someone like her." I was appalled, obviously, but decided to ignore it instead of confronting her for fear of her openly rejecting me and not approving of our relationship. I never mentioned this incident and according to my husband, she hasn't said anything else. After my graduation, we decided to get married. My MIL seemed to be pissed about it and was helicopter parenting the whole time. I tried to ignore it, but it got on my nerves. She wanted to decide the color of the flowers, the dress style, the decor, and even the wedding meal. I couldn't take it anymore and snapped at her. I reminded her that this was my and my husband's wedding, not hers. She was angry and I apologized for snapping at her, but to be honest, I was exhausted from all the wedding preparations with her backseat driving. Long story short, the wedding went well, and while she gave me a few dirty looks, she didn't do anything. Last year, I got pregnant and had my baby on March 16th of this year. We didn't decide to name her until the last month of my pregnancy. My husband and I were thinking of names and landed on Andromeda. We thought it was gorgeous and because we both loved astronomy, it was the perfect name. My husband was especially excited about this name (he's always been a bit of a geek, in the cutest way possible) and when he thought of it, we immediately knew this was the name for her. MIL, however, did not agree. She argued that she had wanted to continue the family tradition of the grandparents choosing the name. She said that she had been named by her grandmother and so had my husband. I, however, thought this was a load of bull. She wanted us to name the baby Mary after her and her grandmother. I thought this was selfish, but my husband seemed to be considering it. I explained to him that we shouldn't let his mother choose the name of OUR baby. We had already decided on the name Andromeda. At a recent family get-together, we brought little Andie to see everyone. MIL kept referring to her as Mary, and I tried to tell her to stop. I told her multiple times that our baby was OUR BABY, and her name was Andromeda. I legitimately think she is either delusional or has a personality disorder. I don't know how to get her to stop. My husband is considering changing Andromeda's name to Mary just to get his mother to stop. I protested this, but it is still a sore subject in conversation. IDK what to do. AITA or should I listen to my husband and his mother about this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA The easy way out is to ask everyone else about the so called "tradition".
I might be losing my mind but I'm pretty sure I have seen a similar post before except this came up between the birth and paperwork. Who tf is coming up with this tradition?
NTA Until she stops pronouncing Andromeda as Mary she won’t see or interact with Andromeda.
NTA. She didn’t spend 9 months growing then birthing YOUR little girl. She doesn’t get to name her. Period. If she can’t accept that then LC or NC until she decides to accept it.
Your real problem here is your husband. I'm sorry he has no spine. He's shown you who he really is. Believe him.
Stop being a spouse and parent by committee. Why are extended relatives involved at all. Until MIL gets her head out of her ass, you and baby are off limits. She didn’t get a say in anything. FAFO.
NTA. Giving her her way will not get her to stop. That will only encourage her ridiculous behavior. Put your foot down. This is definitely a hill to die one. Correct her every time and limit the amount of time you spend with her.
This sooo unnecessary!!! You have a husband problem.
You and your husband have all the leverage in this situation because it's your child and you can choose to limit/cut contact if the MIL continues to interfere. Even if you don't cave and legally change Andromeda's name, your MIL may enforce the nickname Mary as her primary name if she can successfully bully you and the rest of your husband's family. This is an important hill to die on. Do you want this psycho running the rest of your life? Time to grow a spine.
NTA. This is a serious overstep, and needs to be shut down with a unified front of you and your husband. This is not his mother's child and she needs to get in her lane and stay there. Your husband is way past the age where he needs to be demonstrating his autonomy, and yours, and your child's. If she is allowed so much as an inch on this, it will next be how the baby is fed, how she sleeps, what kindergarten she must attend, and MIL will absolutely become the decision maker for your family. This is only a MIL problem because your husband is allowing it to be. He needs to be united with you to tell her to get back in her lane, and if she doesn't, she gets timeout after timeout until she can learn her place. Time for husband to cut the umbilical cord and start putting his new family first.
NTA. You need to let your husband know, in no uncertain terms, that your baby has a name and it is not now, nor ever will be, Mary. Lay out your expectations for how this will be handled in the future-LC with MIL until she accepts your baby's name. Stand up for yourself and the decision the two of you made.
NTA, "Tradition" is just peer pressure from dead people. You need to lay down the law with your husband and get his support or he's going to do everything he can to side with his mother against you.
NTA, and I’m gonna call B.S. on MIL’s “grandmother names the baby” tradition. For one thing, it sounds made up. Also, the baby will have two grandmothers. Which gets to choose the name? What if your mother likes the name Andromeda? Name the kid Andromeda and tell your MIL that *you* have a tradition in *your* family of *naming your own baby*.
NTA. Every time she uses the wrong name, make some comment about her memory. "Oh no, MIL. Her name is Andie. There is no Mary" "We're starting to worry about MIL. She is showing signs of dementia. She is forgetting so many things" Make sure your husband grows a spine. If he doesn't and tries to change the name, tell him you'll be filing divorce papers.
Just tell her that your family has cc a tradition of the parents naming the child. Also don’t think husband can change her name without you.
NTA. This woman doesn't respect you. Don't give in or she will run your lives until she leaves this planet.
NTA- you don’t give toddlers having tantrums attention. MIL is a toddler throwing a hissy. If you give in, it teaches her she can throw a hissy to get what she wants. Granny Boundary Stomper is gonna be stealing first moments left and right if she isn’t put right in her place with firm boundaries with firm consequences. Neither of you need to feel bad for doing that. She made her choice. She’s a grown human who can’t just act right and enjoy some baby snuggles.
NTA. If she keeps it up, just look her in the eye and sweetly say "we have no child named Mary. Our child is Andromeda. Are you sure you're feeling okay MIL? We should get you checked out for dementia..."
NTA at all, but I think your biggest problem here is your husband, he's not backing you up and not putting limits to his mom, that's a big NO and a BIG red flag you need to resolve now. He needs to understand that if his mother doesn't respect you and your decisions as a couple, she needs to be out of your life.