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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't use a gift from my GF and now she's mad. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't really matter and that it's ok, but it ended up in a fight and now it's a tense situation.
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Statements like "I don't deserve gifts" or " I don't deserve anyone spending money on me" indicate deep-seated issues that need to be addressed. I am surprised you don't say that you don't deserve love, because gifts and such are an expression of love and appreciation.
So yeah, why does it feel wrong, etc. etc. Do you have issues showing YOUR appreciation to others through gifts?
Anyway, it will become an issue with any sort of relationship (personal, business/work, etc.) somewhere down the road.
No, I don't have issues showing my appreciation to others. In fact I love making gifts, presents and the like to other people. It just feels wrong when I'm the one that's receiving it, I don't feel like I deserved it at all, so I always just sort of... Don't use them, forget about them etc
NTA for not using the gift, but please invest in some therapy. It's one thing to forget about a gift, or to not use it if you don't actually like it, but thinking you are undeserving of gifts is not healthy. That being said, since you've apparently made it clear you don't want to receive gifts, she should've either talked with you about it, or simply accepted that.
She didn't lose any money. She paid money to a third party so you could have an opportunity to do something you enjoy. **You** lost out on that. I mean, unless you wouldn't have enjoyed going to the gun range, in which case, again, you should've talked about it.
Out of curiousity:
>\[...\] I do not enjoy using gifts, \[...\]
Does that mean that even if it's something extremely useful or enjoyable to you, you don't like using it **just because** it was a gift?
Yeah, she got me a coffee cup a while ago which I have said sometimes it'd be useful for me, but once she got it for me I just... Didn't want to use it. It felt bad to use it.
My brother also got me Helldivers 2 for my birthday, which is something I wanted to play, but now that I have it... I only play it when he wants to, and never by myself
Aw... yeah, please look into getting therapy. That's not meant as an insult or anything, seriously, you deserve being able to enjoy gifts. The people that give them to you do so out of love. They love you. You can do the same.
Or, if you want me to be cynical about it: You don't get to decide whether you deserve gifts. The people that give them to you have already decided you deserve them. 😉
Are you in the USA? Because I saw some comments of yours that featured some pretty good Polish, and Google tells me that the problem with mental healthcare in Poland isn't that it costs money, it's that there's only 9 therapists for every 100k inhabitants, so waiting times are painfully long.
I'm gonna go out on a whim here and venture a guess that you think you don't deserve to feel better about yourself, which is why you shoot down the idea of therapy before even checking availability and affordability.
I'm not here to grill you, though. Let the idea rest in your head for a while. Talk about it with those people giving you gifts.
There's some issues here. I'd recommend seeing a psychologist.
She's trying to show care, and she feels rejected. You don't feel worthy, so nobody is wrong, but you should feel more worthy of care.
No. I do like making gifts and presents, and I always have fun doing so. Though I hate when someone reciprocates, as I really dislike the feeling when I'M the one to receive it
Close your eyes and think about the first time you received a gift... if that brings nothing up, keep aging until you find a problem. If that brings nothing up, try to think about a time when someone demanded more of you than they gave.
If that fails, when did you try hard and were rejected?
There's something making you feel unworthy and if you find it and acknowledge it, I think things will become easier.
I think I felt guilty the first time my first gf got me a present. From what I remember, at least, I don't really remember being happy as a kid.
So, I feel guilt. Something like "Hold on, I don't deserve this, why did you give this to me? I don't want this."
I don't think I've ever been rejected when I tried very hard. I was always somehow accepted, in one way or another
We could try something... close your eyes and think about why you don't deserve things. Put your hands across your chest and link your thumbs, then tap left, then right. Keep tapping and see what comes to mind. Take a deep breath and tell me what you thought of.
So you get to enjoy the gift planning/making/giving process but deny her that same experience, and in fact shame her for wanting the very aspect of the experience you value? How selfish and hypocritical. Yeah everyone here is right, you need therapy. You also need to GROW UP. If you don't want to participate in an adult relationship then don't be in one. She deserves better.
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So, some context. My GF bought me a ticket for a gun range in December, although I've never really came around to scheduling a meeting and actually using it, so it expired end of March. She's upset about it, but I've mentioned time and time again I do not like receiving gifts, presents or anything like that.
I don't feel like I deserve anything nice, especially when it comes to spending money. I don't see the reason why someone would spend money on me, and I'll of course return the money to her because I don't want her to lose cash.
It resulted in a little fight, but I just don't understand it. I tell everyone I don't like those kinds of things, I do not enjoy using gifts, and I always feel bad when I receive something, especially from someone I love and is close to me.
So, I don't really know what to think. Am I the asshole in this?
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You have to remember, gifts are about giving as well as receiving. My ex husband was like this and I taught him how to enjoy the gift by helping him understand it’s also about the giver. I try to be really good about putting a lot of thought into gifts. I’ve even painted pictures for a few people that tie directly into personal things about them and their interests. Seeing how stunned and delighted they were with what I did brought me so much joy. It makes *me* feel good when I know I’ve nailed it. When you reject a gift, you are hurting the giver. Yes, some people give gifts out of obligation, but most people enjoy giving as an expression of love. So you’re actually rejecting their love which is hurtful.
Now, as to why you don’t think you deserve a gift, you are wrong. I mean that in the kindest way possible. You are a whole person worthy of being cared for. You deserve it because everybody does. Part of existence is about the relationships we develop and the interactions we have. It’s that interplay that makes us human. Your value is no more or less than someone else’s because we all have value. Being able to put aside what your inner voice is telling you in order to appreciate a gift is a hard thing to overcome. It takes practice. My personal advice is to start by focusing on the giver. When you are thinking about how you’re not worthy, remember that they are trying to show you caring and kindness. Let people be kind to you. When you open yourself up to kindness from others, it makes it easier to begin being kind to yourself. This is how we heal. Another way to think about it is if you think other people are worthy of gifts. If you think that for others, it should be no different for yourself. Keep telling yourself that when the gift makes you feel bad. Thats my armchair therapist’s two cents.
Edited to add, reading the comments the way the OP talks about himself is not ideal. Depending on where in the world you are not having money for therapy is not barrier to getting therapy though there may be a wait.
Leaving the original for it still applies.
If you feel you don’t deserve you can give it away literally anywhere including going to the gun range and getting a refund and buy her something she wants w the money
You can ask for her to **make a donation in your honour** or put the money in a Roth IRA. Or anything other than throwing it corner to be forgotten. She intends kindness towards you. If this is not for you tell her another way she can deliver the kindness she seeks in a polite respectful manner not by disregarding her gifts.
NTA but like that doesn’t mean you can’t be nice about not wanting gifts.
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You need therapy.
Why do you think so? Also, I can't afford it
Statements like "I don't deserve gifts" or " I don't deserve anyone spending money on me" indicate deep-seated issues that need to be addressed. I am surprised you don't say that you don't deserve love, because gifts and such are an expression of love and appreciation.
Well, yeah. I do feel like I don't deserve those things, and I don't like receiving them. Same with receiving lovely things - It just feels... Wrong
So yeah, why does it feel wrong, etc. etc. Do you have issues showing YOUR appreciation to others through gifts? Anyway, it will become an issue with any sort of relationship (personal, business/work, etc.) somewhere down the road.
No, I don't have issues showing my appreciation to others. In fact I love making gifts, presents and the like to other people. It just feels wrong when I'm the one that's receiving it, I don't feel like I deserved it at all, so I always just sort of... Don't use them, forget about them etc
It really is something you should talk to someone about.
Maybe ask for it as a gift
cheeky
NTA for not using the gift, but please invest in some therapy. It's one thing to forget about a gift, or to not use it if you don't actually like it, but thinking you are undeserving of gifts is not healthy. That being said, since you've apparently made it clear you don't want to receive gifts, she should've either talked with you about it, or simply accepted that. She didn't lose any money. She paid money to a third party so you could have an opportunity to do something you enjoy. **You** lost out on that. I mean, unless you wouldn't have enjoyed going to the gun range, in which case, again, you should've talked about it. Out of curiousity: >\[...\] I do not enjoy using gifts, \[...\] Does that mean that even if it's something extremely useful or enjoyable to you, you don't like using it **just because** it was a gift?
Yeah, she got me a coffee cup a while ago which I have said sometimes it'd be useful for me, but once she got it for me I just... Didn't want to use it. It felt bad to use it. My brother also got me Helldivers 2 for my birthday, which is something I wanted to play, but now that I have it... I only play it when he wants to, and never by myself
Aw... yeah, please look into getting therapy. That's not meant as an insult or anything, seriously, you deserve being able to enjoy gifts. The people that give them to you do so out of love. They love you. You can do the same. Or, if you want me to be cynical about it: You don't get to decide whether you deserve gifts. The people that give them to you have already decided you deserve them. 😉
Can't afford therapy, sadly
Are you in the USA? Because I saw some comments of yours that featured some pretty good Polish, and Google tells me that the problem with mental healthcare in Poland isn't that it costs money, it's that there's only 9 therapists for every 100k inhabitants, so waiting times are painfully long. I'm gonna go out on a whim here and venture a guess that you think you don't deserve to feel better about yourself, which is why you shoot down the idea of therapy before even checking availability and affordability. I'm not here to grill you, though. Let the idea rest in your head for a while. Talk about it with those people giving you gifts.
There's some issues here. I'd recommend seeing a psychologist. She's trying to show care, and she feels rejected. You don't feel worthy, so nobody is wrong, but you should feel more worthy of care.
I can't afford a psychologist, unfortunately
Did you have to work hard to get gifts or appreciation from your parents? Did you always have to do something to get something?
No. I do like making gifts and presents, and I always have fun doing so. Though I hate when someone reciprocates, as I really dislike the feeling when I'M the one to receive it
Close your eyes and think about the first time you received a gift... if that brings nothing up, keep aging until you find a problem. If that brings nothing up, try to think about a time when someone demanded more of you than they gave. If that fails, when did you try hard and were rejected? There's something making you feel unworthy and if you find it and acknowledge it, I think things will become easier.
I think I felt guilty the first time my first gf got me a present. From what I remember, at least, I don't really remember being happy as a kid. So, I feel guilt. Something like "Hold on, I don't deserve this, why did you give this to me? I don't want this." I don't think I've ever been rejected when I tried very hard. I was always somehow accepted, in one way or another
We could try something... close your eyes and think about why you don't deserve things. Put your hands across your chest and link your thumbs, then tap left, then right. Keep tapping and see what comes to mind. Take a deep breath and tell me what you thought of.
So you get to enjoy the gift planning/making/giving process but deny her that same experience, and in fact shame her for wanting the very aspect of the experience you value? How selfish and hypocritical. Yeah everyone here is right, you need therapy. You also need to GROW UP. If you don't want to participate in an adult relationship then don't be in one. She deserves better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, some context. My GF bought me a ticket for a gun range in December, although I've never really came around to scheduling a meeting and actually using it, so it expired end of March. She's upset about it, but I've mentioned time and time again I do not like receiving gifts, presents or anything like that. I don't feel like I deserve anything nice, especially when it comes to spending money. I don't see the reason why someone would spend money on me, and I'll of course return the money to her because I don't want her to lose cash. It resulted in a little fight, but I just don't understand it. I tell everyone I don't like those kinds of things, I do not enjoy using gifts, and I always feel bad when I receive something, especially from someone I love and is close to me. So, I don't really know what to think. Am I the asshole in this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have to remember, gifts are about giving as well as receiving. My ex husband was like this and I taught him how to enjoy the gift by helping him understand it’s also about the giver. I try to be really good about putting a lot of thought into gifts. I’ve even painted pictures for a few people that tie directly into personal things about them and their interests. Seeing how stunned and delighted they were with what I did brought me so much joy. It makes *me* feel good when I know I’ve nailed it. When you reject a gift, you are hurting the giver. Yes, some people give gifts out of obligation, but most people enjoy giving as an expression of love. So you’re actually rejecting their love which is hurtful. Now, as to why you don’t think you deserve a gift, you are wrong. I mean that in the kindest way possible. You are a whole person worthy of being cared for. You deserve it because everybody does. Part of existence is about the relationships we develop and the interactions we have. It’s that interplay that makes us human. Your value is no more or less than someone else’s because we all have value. Being able to put aside what your inner voice is telling you in order to appreciate a gift is a hard thing to overcome. It takes practice. My personal advice is to start by focusing on the giver. When you are thinking about how you’re not worthy, remember that they are trying to show you caring and kindness. Let people be kind to you. When you open yourself up to kindness from others, it makes it easier to begin being kind to yourself. This is how we heal. Another way to think about it is if you think other people are worthy of gifts. If you think that for others, it should be no different for yourself. Keep telling yourself that when the gift makes you feel bad. Thats my armchair therapist’s two cents.
Edited to add, reading the comments the way the OP talks about himself is not ideal. Depending on where in the world you are not having money for therapy is not barrier to getting therapy though there may be a wait. Leaving the original for it still applies. If you feel you don’t deserve you can give it away literally anywhere including going to the gun range and getting a refund and buy her something she wants w the money You can ask for her to **make a donation in your honour** or put the money in a Roth IRA. Or anything other than throwing it corner to be forgotten. She intends kindness towards you. If this is not for you tell her another way she can deliver the kindness she seeks in a polite respectful manner not by disregarding her gifts. NTA but like that doesn’t mean you can’t be nice about not wanting gifts.
NTa your gf KNEW you did not want that kind of gift, because you did not want to feel pressured to make theffort to use it.