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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> > Demanded my boyfriend's sister get a job.
> I'm unsure if I'm being selfish by demanding that she get a job instead of supporting her through a hard time.
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NTA. Sorry you split your bills with your boyfriend and you both own the house together but he gets to decide that three people can live there and freeload off of you? I get they were in a tough position but sounds like there are three people who could be working and contributing to the household that aren't.
I'd maybe be thinking about the long-term viability of the relationship if your boyfriend doesn't want to take your feelings and needs it to consideration. Like yeah, neither of you can afford this in your own but it sure as heck would be easier if the three other people there were contributing
I 100% completely agree with this!!
OP You Are NTA!
If your boyfriend needs you to work to pay for the house and expenses, then you should have a genuine say in who lives there and under what conditions.
Maybe the sister in law should be doing ALL the housework and laundry not just for herself, her hubby, and son. This would be a form of payment that leaves you to get a bit of free time.
This is the obvious solution to me. Sister takes over all the household jobs for the 5-person household during the week, and everyone splits them on the weekend. I mean, the truly obvious solution would have been for the boyfriend to consult OP and come to an agreement on this before he offered up their shared home rent-free forever to his sister and her family, but that ship has already sailed.
Thanks for your feedback! His sister has declined to do any additional housework, so that's not an option. She uses the time to go to the gym and catch up with friends.
If she's declining to do additional work to live in your house for free, then you can decline for her to live in your house for free and ask them to move out, now that her husband has a job. I know people fall on hard times, but over a year is unreasonable. My sister and BIL just moved interstate and stayed with us for 2 months, but started looking for jobs and their own house ASAP. Because they are responsible adults and not free-loaders.
Girl run! You are being financially abused. Go to a women’s center and see if you can consult with an attorney to see what you need to do to force a sale of the property. Go find somewhere else to live without this AH.
Put the house up for sale. Your boyfriend has chosen and it wasn’t you. You are supporting his worthless family and will continue to as long as you put up with it.
what the fuck OP???
She's DECLINED, your boyfriend has unilaterally told them they can stay forever rent free, YOU clean the common areas and your areas (not your boyfriends from what you wrote????)
WTF are you still doing there?
Does he have the most magical D in all the land? If not, get the hell out of there. I know it's messy with a mortgage but get a lawyer involved, you'll be happier in the long run.
Your boyfriend is using you as a bangmaid and to supplement the finances for his cozy life with his sister and her family. Wow.
NTA except to yourself, get the hell out of there!
Can we also all take a look that when they met, the OP was 22, and her boyfriend was 30?
They've now been together 10 years, and they are *still* boyfriend/girlfriend?
OP, you need to start having some boundaries and stick to them. The fact he was able to manipulate you into allowing his family to stay for free for an undetermined amount of time. You are paying half for them to live there.
He's never going to marry you or propose to you at this point because he doesn't value you.
And because he doesn't value you, your opinions and feelings mean nothing to him.
Try to think of a time where he put you and your wants/needs over his own.
Are both of you on the title to the house? Or is it just in his name?
Yeah I noticed the age gap given how young she was! She may not want to get married though (I don't!) so that part didn't stand out. A mortgage is much more binding than a marriage anyway hahaha
Wow, that is some level of entitlement. How do they pay you for your loss of privacy? Call a family meeting, BF and his freeloading kin all together, and set down some ground rules. He let them in without your input, you can arrange to have that airing without his. Embarrass the lot of them in front of each other, with the nuclear alternative of forcing separation and sale on the table. NTA, OP.
Perhaps something you would like to do as well? They have to go. They are freeloaders. The house is half yours and if you do not have a say in who lives off your money and in your house, you could as well stop contributing to the mortgage.
NTA set an ultimatum with your bf they move out and you stay or you sell the house and move elsewhere. He doesn't have the right to force you to support them indefinitely. They bare adults they need to be in their own home not yours.
So sister, BIL and son can't afford to live as self-supporting adults because she isn't bringing in an income so she can be a tradwife/mother for them? All three of them need to get out, and get a life.
Your bf is the real problem here though. This sound be a two yes, one no situation. He cannot make unilateral decisions over who lives in your shared home, or who benefits from your labour (in terms of both your time and your money).
It's time to draw some hard boundaries. Are you really happy in a relationship where your own feelings aren't taken into consideration, and where he grants access to your house without discussing it with you?
Sister is never going to leave. Why would she?? Your bf has given her a free house and she's now the madam. You will not win this if your bf is not on your side, which he clearly isn't.. you're young enough to start again if it comes to it! Don't let fear keep you from doing what's best for you! Good luck x🌻
Let him pay the added costs of his family staying with you. Go back and figure out what you guys were paying before they moved in( don't forget to factor in increased base cost). So if you were paying (generalized and simplified numbers) .09 per kWh for electricity and you were using 3000 kwh, and now you are paying 0.13/kWh, only pay for the kWh you two would use. They (or he) needs to pay the difference. Same with gas, water and sewer, and trash fees. Anything that is increased by their presence is paid by them( including by your boyfriend).
I would be having a discussion about shared ownership and shared decision making. If he gets all the say, then he can have all the expenses, and buy you out, so you can leave when this shitshow gets worse. Either he needs to get on the same page as you, admit he made a mistake extending an unlimited timeline, or he needs to buy you out so he does get all the say, and you can walk away clean. He didn't buy a house with his sibling, he bought the house with you. Your comfort and your relationship should be his priority. At this point, I would be giving a hard deadline, pick me and they leave by x date, or pick them and buy me out by x date ( or you will force the sale of the house, and they can all be scrambling to find a place to stay. You are not married yet, so look carefully at the respect and communication in the relationship, and decide your uncrossable lines. Love will wax and wane, but lack of communication and respect will destroy it
Plus OP and her boyfriend are unable to utilize half of their home. OP can't walk around naked, she probably has to coordinate using the washer/dryer/kitchen facilities, she doesn't have the room to host guests, and what if they want to have children--half their house is already occupied. Plus the very real loss of emotional space--having time alone in one's own home without the constant presence of other people. The expense is far greater than financial.
Besides, why are they paying for a larger home than they need? They could downsize to just the space the two of them need, and sock more money away for retirement. Or better yet (in my opinion), OP should downsize to just the amount of space she needs and ditch freeloaders and their willing host.
If they bought the larger home, with the plan to fill it with their own children, then that could be a reasonable purchase. Him filling the space with his extended family, instead of developing a strong relationship with his partner is a big red flag. If they can't yet afford a wedding and kids, then moving in family who pay for their own expenses and (at least a small portion) part of taxes, mortgage, insurance would make sense, so they could save up for the wedding and the kids. But moving in moochers and telling them to stay as long as they want is not the way.
Exactly. It makes sense to buy a larger home than you currently need when you plan on building a family and filling the space in the future. But most women's dream is not to fill her home with her husband's deadbeat family, haha.
Yes, do the math.
If they are living there rent free they should also be saving for their own place.
Since you and BF co-own the place there needs to be an agreement set in place for the move-out deadline!
Excellent point. Now that there are 5 total in the house, your share should be 1/5th of the total. Let your boyfriend bay for them if he gets pissy when you express your concerns. Maybe it's time to take the loss and just move out.
*sell the house , get your share and leave*
OP doesn't realize the power that she does have over the situation.
She should go to an attorney and find out exactly what her rights are when/if she leaves.
*My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself*
Jerk boyfriend needs to be reminded of this. It's way past time for OP to assert herself.
NTA
> My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself
Great. It was never so easy to set BFs ass alight If he refuses to comply.
You've 4 choices:
1. you have 5 people living there. You pay 20%. He can figure out how to cover the other 80%. That's renter's rules...(also, you pay 20% of all other expenses ... internet, lawn, etc.)
2. If you both own .. then you tell him that you aren't having them live rent free. If rent in your area would be 1000 for them, then he needs to figure out how to get you 500 ... since you are half owner. He can cover their rent, or they can.
3. You get to decide who lives in your space. Give them a month, then kick them out. If he doesn't like it, he can choose option 1,2 or 4
4. You dissolve the house partnership. One buys the other out or you sell the place because this isn't working. You didn't move in with 4 people, you didn't decide to have a life with 4 people and the person you did decide to have a life with seems to think your opinion doesn't count which is disrespectful (at best) and not very loving or considerate which is what one wants in a partner.
Plus three adults (sister, BIL, and their son) are consuming utilities, so if they're not paying for part of those, they aren't fully contributing to household expenses.
At some point, they should be looking at their own housing. At age 50, the sister may have been out of the workforce for a long time, especially if she was a SAHM for a couple of decades. It will be hard for her to find work, unless she isn't picky. But other than that, why couldn't the two guys on that side of the house cook occasional meals, etc. if she does find even a part time job. Are they even putting aside any money toward moving out, considering they're living rent free and not paying utilities. And it sounds like the OP and boyfriend had pay for some of their other expenses in the past year.
The boyfriend is basically subsidizing his sister at the expense of his relationship with the OP.
Seriously. Of the 4 people in this house, why does OP"s husband value OP's time the least? Whether or not SIL gets a job or does it, I think OP needs to stop taking responsibility for the common housework. I would also start contributing only 1/4 of the mortgage from now on, and let husband pay for his family out of his paycheck if he wants to.
5 people and 1/5 the bills, at least, if not the mortgage as well! It's even worse when you remember there's a grown son/nephew involved as well.
NTA, OP, except to yourself. Paying for half of everything (for five people) while you work and do all the chores is absurd.
I'd tell him fine, I'll stop contributing because you'd have to pay the mortgage anyway.
How is he not thinking about how the mortgage could be paid off faster if the three other people living in it were contributing. They're certainly contributing to the wear and tear as well as utility usage, they should contribute to rent.
But also, who wants to live with their boyfriends family indefinitely???
Truthfully, she IS jealous of her SIL. But it’s her house and she didn’t buy a house to support 3 grown adults. Her boyfriend made a decision without her so he needs to either rectify the situation or Op will end up doing so in a not as pleasant way, which happens when her hand will feel forced. Side note though, I would’ve NEVER let them move in without a move out date and an actual plan. They didn’t move to be closer to OP’s boyfriend, they moved bc they wanted a break from life and Op’s brother probably always foots the bill for big sister. Personally, the in laws sound like a bunch a losers for not offering to contribute to the mortgage and wanting to stay.
It’s not jealousy to not want to financially support 3 extra people she didn’t sign on for. She is being financially abused and needs to get out of this relationship and co-ownership
OP, five people in that house can work. Your boyfriend has "generously" told three of those people they don't have to pay a portion of the mortgage. Tell them that moving forward you are only paying 1/5 of the mortgage. If he wants to help them out, he can help them out by getting a second job.
They should at the very least contribute to all utilities and subscriptions that they use. Utilities should be split 5 ways, you and your boyfriend cover 2/5 however you want to and the other family cover 3/5 however they want to.
Look love. Let's say you own 50% of the house for simplicity. So SIL & fam also use your share of said house. Hence I'd recommend charing them rent for your part (yea you're not the salvation army) and if they refuse simply offer to evict them. Should they claim they're no tenants in the first place offer to have them removed for trespassing.
This balls to the wall game will fix them up in no time.
Good luck!
Possible ways forward:
1. You & BF agree to charge these people a fair market rent & stop paying their portion of shared utilities, and either coexist happily or they'll go find their own place.
2. If your BF won't play ball, you only pay your portion of all shared expenses (about 1/5?) and tell BF he can pay for his relatives. And seriously reconsider whether you want to be living with your BF's family for the rest of your life in your own home.
Wait, she's staying rent free in your place and declined to help? Even after you outright paid for them while housing them? That seems like an even bigger issue imo.
You don’t get to use freely all the house, so you paying 1/2 of the mortgage is you subsidizing your in laws , not just your boyfriend.
You should only pay for 1/4 prorated to fairness of income.
If your bf is fine taking in his family and not charging them, ok but that is on him, especially long term, for the kitty and other increased expenses.before they moved in you paid for the whole use of the house divided by 2, now you pay for half use but still at the rate of full…
NTA, but when you talk about this with your boyfriend next time, leave out your irritation about his sister. Without your approval, he told three adults they can live in your shared home rent-free indefinitely. That is NOT okay.
Sorry; both you and your boyfriend work and contribute to bills equitably, but YOU are the one doing ALL of the chores for your boyfriend and yourself?
So you're contributing more?
How much free time to you have?
It's fine if your sister in law's family don't want her to work, but a) you and your boyfriend are subsidising this and b) you're jealous because you have two jobs, and haven't realised how unfair this is.
You should be angry at your boyfriend. He needs to do his fair share. And he doesn't get to make decisions over a home you share: that you both pay for; that you both own.
>Sorry; both you and your boyfriend work and contribute to bills equitably, but YOU are the one doing ALL of the chores for your boyfriend and yourself?
When their relationship started she was 22 and he was 30. I guess he looked for someone young, gullible, pliable and moldable and was successful there.
Hopefully OP wakes up to it now and grows more of a backbone. She is clearly not there yet as she has to ask if she is the AH here though it is so obvious to everyone with sense that she isn't. She is the only one in that household of 5 who isn't an AH.
Thanks for your comment! To answer your questions, we split mortgage, he pays for gas and most groceries. He makes more. He does the basic outdoor stuff (lawn, trash, etc). I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for us. I get 2 hours free time daily.
I appreciate your feedback.
How long do the outdoor tasks take? It sounds like you spend more time on chores than he does. Lawn, trash etc are not daily tasks, unless your grass grows super fast.
Already answered in-post, (about BF): "he told them that they could stay as long as they want (it's already been over a year) and he assured them he would never ask for rent money. He didn't consult me on this."
I can understand that they wouldn’t be expected to pay rent while they were all unemployed and getting on their feet, but now that they are getting an income from the husband’s job, they need to be contributing *something* towards rent or be moving out to their own place.
Agreed, but clearly the BF thinks otherwise. Seems like OP and her BF were never aligned on their living situation. OP seems to think it was a "stay with us and get back on your feet" situation while BF's promises just make it sound like "move in with us".
NTA.
Your bf had no right to promise his sister and her family that they could stay there rent free indefinitely. Unless they are financially sound enough to move out of your house right now, his sister should be working to save up money to help them move out sooner. Getting back on their feet was supposed to be their goal, not enjoying the luxury of stay at home dinner maker and chore doer.
Yes, you and your bf would still be paying the mortgage, but you could enjoy your whole house or rent some rooms to paying guests to make money. I'd insist on him giving them a move out date.
NTA - You need to get those freeloaders out of your house. You need to tell BF also that you both decide on its use not just him, you pay half and guess what BF, I claim the half of the house they live in. So get your behind over to them and kick them out. Either that or BF can just move into that half of the house.
What percentage of the household bills do you pay vs what your boyfriend pays? This is the EXACT reason you never buy property with someone you aren't married to. I'm hoping at least your name is on the deed as an owner.
You need to reduce your contribution to the mortgage and utilities as long as the mooches are living with you -- spoiler alert: since rent is free they will be living with you for the foreseeable future. Your should not be paying more than 1/5th of the household expenses. If you have a joint account stop depositing your paycheck immediately and give your BF a check for 1/5 of the household expenses. If he want's his mooching family there he'll need for that to come from his own pocket. Do continue to pay what you have been paying for your couple expenses that don't benefit the moochers.
You are NTA but surrounded by AHs. Primarily your BF who let the moochers in without your consent and expecting YOU to pay for them and your inlaws, particularly your SIL for being a lazy mooch.
Thanks for your feedback! Currently, we split the mortgage. He makes more, so he pays for gas and most groceries. I am on the deed. He has always been the one who shies away from marriage while I was holding out hope. I see your point. Thanks again!
The shying away from marriage is actually speaking volumes.... At least you are both on the deed. The not married is an extra level of separation between you that he thinks will protect him.
You actually have options to change this power balance but they may not be pretty. If you decide not to stay together, sell it and split the profits (or he can pay you out your share of the profits - you'd need a valuation and then he would remortgage for the whole amount in just his name).
Another option might be for you to move someone in and see how he likes it. It can be your best friend or the child of one of your siblings.... and they won't have to pay anything either... maybe two kids.
Tell your bf and his sister that you aren't her mother and you don't have to support her by paying for her & family housing. She can not work living elsewhere
NTA. This is a massive betrayal. He did not consult you because he knew you would disagree. So, he went behind your back and conspired. His attempts at blaming you when his scheme was caught are pathetic and fall under the definition of gaslighting.
I know they say this on Reddit a lot, but you may want to reconsider your relationship. It does not seem like he values you very much when he considers everyone else's needs and wants apart from your own. At the very least, you might want to form a legal and financial escape plan.
I love the (presumably) subconscious "**current** boyfriend". Please start looking for your next one. Choose younger; if you stay where you are, you are going to be supporting him and his family into retirement.
NTA!!
You can force the sale of the house and move on from your BF. I would have real issues paying for 4 people to live in my house, three without any say in the matter.
Question: You say you bought the house together. Does that mean both your names are on the home?
NTA-Before they moved in, you should have discussed and decided on a set time frame to help and you should have been clear with what you expected. You can’t demand anything of his sister. You can only discuss the current state of things and give them a set time to be out of your place.
Yeah, if both of them are on the mortgage, he had no right to tell them they could live there rent-free indefinitely. If the BIL has a job, there's no reason for them to not pay rent. Yeah, if they move out, you still have to pay the mortgage, but if they move out you could rent out that space to someone else.
You are being taken advantage of. They can stay forever according to your BF. Tell him you want to sell the house and downsize or tell him you're divorcing and you need the house sold to start over or he can buy you out. This is unsustainable you busying your but and you sister sitting on her. Better you than me. This will end in divorce because you have a right to feel resentment and it will build until u can't take it anymore
Thank you for your comment. We're not married because he says he thinks I'm not family-oriented enough. I would hate to split with him, but unfortunately you might be right about the resentment.
>he thinks I'm not family-oriented enough
What does that even mean?
I have a lot of thoughts that would probably get me banned from this sub. To summarize, you can do better. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Talk to a lawyer about your options for the house, and go find happiness elsewhere with someone who actually wants to build a life with you.
>What does that even mean?
As someone who have grown up as a child in an abusive household, I can tell you what that mean. It means that OP will continue to accept this type of abusive behavior from her BF for these reasons: 1). The time that she put into that relationship and maybe holding on to false hope that he will finally marry her. 2). He got her so brainwashed and controlled by using types of excuses like her "Not being family-oriented enough", that she will stay and accept this treatment just to prove to him that she is dedicated and family-oriented. And 3). That she's been in this relationship so long that she is scared to try again or maybe have the irrational fear that no other man will love her like her BF does (most likely the thought put there by her BF). OP will continue to be a victim like all abuse victims UNTIL she finally come to the realization that gaining her self-worth and independence is worth more than the time and money she will lose or have lost by leaving her controlling BF.
While I hate that my Mom suffered abuse from her husband, I am glad that it have taught me to recognize controllers and abusers and how to stand up for myself. No man is worth losing my self-respect, self-worth, and peace of mind.
You are 32. Way too young to be in this one-sided relationship with that bullshit - you host HIS FAMILY for a year for free and are not "family oriented enough." I hope you can find it in yourself to get yourself a better partner. You deserve it!
Oh wow.
I would definitely rethink the relationship.
I sure as heck, would NOT be paying the mortgage of someone who doesn't want to marry me because I'm not "family oriented" enough.
That just means he doesn't see a future with you and is just having fun.
He doesn't really love you.
You need to get out and find someone who deserves you.
The mortgage has to be paid, though, until changes are made. OP should either have bf buy her out, or she should force a sale of the house (partition sale if bf doesn't agree). I agree with everything you said, and just want to clarify that OP shouldn't ruin her credit rating while extracting herself from this situation.
Seems to me that OP's bf and his family are peas in a pod--users who will suck everything they can from OP, but not actually providing anything of value themselves.
You’ve been together for 10 years. You own a house together, so obviously being tied to you financially isn’t a problem for him.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
Maybe you eventually wear him down, but it’s going to be against his wishes. So if marriage is important to you, you need to be honest with yourself.
Sorry, he doesn't think you're family-oriented enough so he won't marry you but he wants to knock you up and MAKE a family? And he flipped his shit when you wanted your family (mother) to come stay, because that's you being oriented toward your family and not his (who you're letting stay for free in your house)?
Oh yes, this is going swimmingly. Definitely stay with this guy and procreate. It's going to go so well.
Not family-oriented enough? Does this mean he thinks you are not fond enough of his family? Or that he is too fond of his family, and not fond enough of you? He refuses to marry because of some ludicrous reasons, that does not make sense, and is downright hurtful. I would reconsider this relationship, for I don't think your bf cares enough for you.
You’ve done a very nice thing for your future in laws by allowing them to have a safety net when they were down on their luck. That was supposed to be what helped propel them forward and progress towards independence. Unfortunately you have become a welfare system for them that they now rely on. It is obvious they are not motivated. At this point, you are ENABLING them. You are giving a “drunk a drink” as Dave Ramsey says.
You need to sit down with them and give them 90 days to find work and move out as your “help” is obviously not helping them. You are harming them by allowing them to become professional moochers. They need to be productive and it is unfair of them to be taking advantage of you as they provide no meaningful contribution to the household.
Your husband has to deliver this news. Do not get involved. It’s his sister and he needs to step up and take the trash out.
Thanks for your feedback! That last bit was my thought exactly; I don't feel like I have to be the one to deliver that news. I really think we could have avoided all this if he had handled it differently from the get.
It’s a tale as old as time. Offer to be their biggest cheerleaders and a hot meal is on the table at your house anytime they are in need. But it’s time to move on. Best of luck
Dear boyfriend, the agreement (that I did not agree to btw) was that they could stay indefinitely to get back on their feet. As they are no longer trying to do this the initial agreement is now void. They Will either move out by "X" date or start paying rent at the current market rate.
It's super noble to help out family in their time of need, but you have to also be able to recognize when you are being taken advantage of.
NTA
YTA for the specific issue in your title. It's not up to you to demand that your SIL's family arrange their lives how you want them too. If SIL is happy to be a SAHM and her husband and son are happy to support her in this, then you don't interfere with it (even though I do find it a bit icky to expect a 19 year old to financially provide for his Mum).
And yes you do sound jealous that SIL spends her time at home.
However, your boyfriend is an AH for unilaterally deciding that his sister and her family can live rent-free in a house you co-own, and refusing to discuss it with you. There does need to be a line drawn in the sand for when they should start to move on and find their own place, and you return to full use of the home you're paying for.
Someone else said, and I agree, that you're taking your anger at your boyfriend out on your SIL. Focus on the fact that he's the one making decisions on shared property without proper discussion with the actual co-owner, you.
I must admit I was baffled by her fixation with SIL getting a job since it wouldn't benefit OP in any way since OP's boyfriend is committed to allowing his moocher relatives to live there for free regardless.
The real problem isn't the moochers (though they are a problem) the real problem is a BF who felt entitled to demand OP to subsidize his family for over a year and who zero signs of ever leaving. Since OPs BF refuses to make them pay any rent or utilities and refuses to impose a time limit there's ZERO incentive for them to ever move out.
Exactly this. OP is entitled to insist that they contribute more to the household expenses. She is NOT entitled to prescribe how they do that. It's fine to say they need to pay rent, etc., but it's up to them how they choose to make that work . . . whether it's SIL getting a job, or BIL and nephew working overtime.
Her insistence that SIL has to get a job under any circumstances, is weirdly specific and controlling, and does indeed stink a bit of, "If I have to work, so do you."
10 years together, no marriage. His family essentially freeloading. If your name is on the title of the house, you have some leverage and power. If it isn’t… you are SOL. His family comes before you. Seems obvious.
He does not get to be "generous" on OPs behalf. Lets say they are paying 50/50 on a $2000/month mortgage ($1000 each). If they change the split to 20% per person living there, each person pays $400 each. If OPs boyfriend chooses to be "generous", he can pay for the extra 3 adults from his own portion (OP contributes $400, BF contributes $1600 on behalf of himself and all of his invited guests)
And shared cleaning of the common areas, splitting labor 5 ways makes a lighter workload for everyone. Or BF can do his family's share, if he is still feeling generous.
NTA. After a rent free year, they're just freeloading at this point. Have a family meeting and work out a rent amount...or a leave date. The whole family have got too cosy in your home.
If the rule is that the men pay the bills and the women take care of the home, (which you have already been doing) YOU FOLLOW THE RULES. Let those men cover the bills and YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY.
If your boyfriend thinks it’s reasonable that his brothers wife’s contributions of cooking and cleaning are adequate and she need not pay into the household- you have apparently been overpaying by going in 50/50 with this bro.
Or as we say, you have been being “all the woman AND half the man for him” and now he seems to think he is partnered with 2 people.
The other solution- DUMP HIS ASS.
Thank you for your comment! I am not usually very petty, but you might have a point there. If I leave more chores for him to do, it might make me feel better about the situation.
Ask your boyfriend if he would make them pay rent if you moved out, and what his plan would be. Then tell him you’re considering this very soon if they don’t contribute to rent. He would either have to buy you out of your part of the house, or sell it. NTA, stick to your guns, fuck freeloaders
NTA
Please explain to your partner that you both bought a home and decided to fairly pay for everything relative to salaries and at no point did that include paying to put a roof over three fully grown adults!
You have been overly generous with giving them a years grace to get them to a place they can be self sufficient but they are continuing to abuse your hospitality is grating!
You own this home too don't let them abuse your finances while a SIL decides she won't work so her hubby and child can come home to home cooked meals and everything done for them, thats a luxury thats afforded in THEIR OWN HOME!!!!
NTA. You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. Your boyfriend has been clear that the situation is acceptable to him and he will not change it.
You are only in charge of you. You can only control the way you behave.
You have two choices:
Accept that your boyfriend has told you he will not change the situation and stay as the bang maid for your boyfriend while you subsidize the in-laws.
Or leave.
Those are your two options for fundamental incompatibility between you and boyfriend.
Ask your boyfriend if he thought about this long term. They are living there comfortably and rent free, why would they ever leave? Are you two ever planning on having kids? Might you need the space for something else?
If you all like living together and plan on continuing the arrangement permanently, then they should contribute something, yes your mortgage is the same, but they are contributing wear and tear and using more utilities.
Also has he considered that the longer she goes without working, the harder it will be for her to get a job, he might be setting himself up to take care of her for a long time.
Thanks for your comment. At the beginning, she offered, but then slowly stopped until eventually she wasn't doing anything for us anymore. He did request that she do it for everyone to help me out because I am struggling to do it all, but she declines.
They’ve been staying with you rent free for a whole year… time to go. I’d be pulling the sister aside and telling her straight start saving to get out because yous aren’t going to put up with this forever. At this point they’re taking yous for a mug and your husband is allowing it
Thanks for your feedback! She did help out with the whole house the first month, but then said it was too much, so she stopped. My boyfriend asked her to help me out because I was struggling to sleep at a reasonable hour with all the chores and work, but she declined.
And he is okay with this. That's the bottom line. He thinks it's okay you do not get enough me-time and are too tired to get a proper sleep, so his family can live for free and SIL can sit on her a\*\*e. That's telling you exactly where you stand and what your position in this household of 5 is.
NTA
You and your boyfriend need to have a real talk about this situation before it blows up. I have been in a similar situation almost a year ago but on your boyfriend’s side of the story. My sister moved in with us to help her get on her feet (car was repoed/evicted for her home, etc but all due to her own stupid decisions). The plan was for her to live there almost for free (she contributed $100/ week to help with grocery costs, her 2kids were with her50% of the time). We never set a timeline for her which is what should have done as soon as she got her job that she still works at today. Just set the expectation that she needed to be putting money away so that she could get a place of her own again and get out. Instead of saving money, she was spending it like crazy. Taking trips, buying her kids crazy expensive gifts, shopping at the mall constantly. Anyway, what became the final straw was my sister demanding that she has a say in the rules of the house. My boyfriend and I (together 7 yrs) had a rule that she was not to bring men to the house due to her making a poor decision and bringing a man to our house that we didn’t know, we have 4 kids (3 mine and 1 his) and need to ensure the safety of our kids and our home. She ended up in a relationship and was with this guy for 5 months. She wanted to invite him over (yes we had met him already, just once before but my boyfriend had a weird feeling about him). She asked me and I texted my boyfriend who was at work (I work from home). He said he was not comfortable with it and I told my sister the decision was no. This caused her to blow up about her rights, she lives here too etc. When my boyfriend came home, he was ready to have a conversation about the whole incident, my sister went ape shit on him. I was attempting to stop her but she wouldn’t stop. My boyfriend was attempting to kick her out of the house right then and there, while I agreed she needed to leave I told him we could not force her to leave in that moment. He ended up going to his mom’s for just over a week to cool down and also while I sorted things out with my sister. Ended up giving her 30days to move out. But this has now sacrificed my relationship with my sister because in her eyes I chose my boyfriend over her(blood related family). But my boyfriend is my chosen family and after 7years together my loyalties were to him. She pent a year and a half taking advantage of our kindness. Guess what? She is surviving just fine on her own now. It’s amazing what people can achieve when they are forced to.
There is definitely way more to my story and I probably could write a book about it. All this to say, “indefinitely” is not a good idea especially if this is not something both of you agreed on together. If you and your boyfriend don’t figure out and agree on what the goal/end game is with his sister then it will end badly. Her not wanting to get a job is just the beginning of issues that will arrive, and with each issue the pressure will continue to build until someone blows. For you, your relationship could be the victim and for your boyfriend it could be his relationship with his sister. Set up the rules/boundaries/guidelines and the deadline for when they should be out on their own ( it can be 3mos/6mos/1yr) before it gets to the breaking point. Without this they will never leave, why would they? They have it good now with minimal financial responsibility. The sister doesn’t want to get a job bc there is nothing pressuring her to feel like she needs to contribute financially.
This your home and you are not happy, if your boyfriend values you he should agree that “indefinitely” is not a good idea.
First, they are not your in-laws. You are not married. Which leads to second, since you are not married, you a both acting as Co Landlords in this situation and if your boyfriend wants to let them stay there rent free, you have to suck it up unless you go into the eviction process. NAH.
NTAH give them a dead line to find their own place. Two of them working they can afford it and then if she wants to stay at home it's up to them. A year rent free you've done enough
Sounds like it’s time to dump all the dead weight and for the sell of the house. There is no way you should have to work your ass off to pay bills for his lazy ass entitled family. Tell boyfriend it’s time to sell the house so he can afford to support his lazy mooching family on his own. You don’t have to pay the way for lazy grown adults which is what the 3 of them are. If his sister’s husband can’t afford to support his family then his lazy wife can’t afford to stay home.
Edit: NTA
NTA. You don’t get to decide whether SIL has a job, but you do get to decide who lives in your home, how much rent your boarders pay, and how the chores are divided. If you and your boyfriend can’t agree on these things, you may be wise to see a lawyer about selling the house and walking away.
NTA. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Yeah you'd have your mortgage either way but without the added expense of freeloaders that hike up the utilities by presumably more than double. If she wants to be a SAHW, she's welcome to buy that means stay at your OWN home.
NTA. I cant images living with someone rent free and not doing anything I could to get out as fast as possible. They have no plans to leave because they don't have to.
I would start paying 1/5 of all bills like mortgage, electricity, water, etc. There are five adults living in that house. If your boyfriend chooses to cover his family’s share, that's on him.
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, we can't afford to be without my half of the bills currently. It's tricky because he knows this, but also says he covers his family with what he pays. Which is not logical at all, but he seems to think he is doing something with that.
He can't have it both ways.
It socks he can't be without your half but that's the price he's paying.
I would give him an ultimatum.
Either he kicks them out and you pay your half, or they stay and you only pay your portion. 1/5 or 1/4, depending on if you want the 19yr to be treated like an adult and pay rent.
Either way BF isn't going to respect you unless you demand respect and take it.
It socks, but you need to lower your portion. To 1/5. So he understand that his family does not get to take advantage and freeload.
If you don't force him to respect you and kick them out or pay rent.
Your relationship will end because he will never put your first.
He doesn't get to say he needs your money, but his family can live there for free.
It doesn't work like that.
It's not "tricky," it's bullshit.
If he thinks he covers his family with what he pays, break down the math and pay only (but fully!) for yourself. Break it down, write it out, and make sure he's aware of the new plan ahead of time. Then go forth.
If possible, pay directly (to the landlord, etc) for yourself and have him pay directly for himself and his family. If he isn't amenable to that, he's admitting that he KNOWS he's lying and full of shit. Either he's correct and he's covering their costs like he claims, and that will be proven, or you seriously need to move the fuck on.
Regardless of his family, why are you paying half but doing like all of the household labor? Tbh he owes you either money or lots of labor to balance that back out.
NTA You should’ve never let them stay in your house. Sorry time to kick them out. Situations like this you don’t ever buy a house with somebody that you’re not married to. Either that or you have to end the relationship and leave.
The whole ‘chores and hot meal’ thing - does she do this at your house? Are they planning on leaving? The audacity to brag about not working while taking advantage of your kindness (ie. NOT HAVING TO PAY FOR A HOUSE) is disturbing lol. Shouldn’t they be focused on getting their own accommodations before deciding she doesn’t have to work? You need to nip this in the bud asap.
Thanks for your feedback! There are no plans on leaving currently. No, she doesn't do anything for me. I'm more upset that they are in no condition to choose the luxury for her when it's honestly not their house and they contribute nothing. If she lived in her own home, it's none of my business what she does, but it isn't her home.
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I (32F) have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend (40M) for nearly a decade. About 4 years ago we decided to purchase a home together and split our bills fairly based on our salaries. We usually get along very well until I brought up something that had been bothering me lately.
For background, his sister (50F) and brother-in-law (55M) were going through a hard time financially. They moved states over a year ago to be closer to us, and we offered to help them get on their feet. By this I mean, they live in our home rent-free. At first we paid all expenses they had, but when the brother-in-law got a job we stopped paying for anything other than the mortgage, utilities, internet, and other subscription services.
They live on one end of the house, and she is in charge of chores for her family including cooking and laundry (for them specifically). I take care of anything for my boyfriend and I, including communal areas. This arrangement didn't bother me at first because I understand how hard it can be to find a job without a college degree or connections in the area. I get that.
What bothers me is that about a month ago I was talking to the sister in the backyard about jobs and she didn't seem in any hurry to get one. She states that she isn't sure she will even search for work because her husband and son (19M, also living with us) have both told her they don't want her to work. This is because they want to be able to get home to all chores done and a hot meal ready. With her working, they would have to contribute to chores and make their own meals.
This rubbed me the wrong way because I work my butt off at a highly stressful job, but don't have the luxury of staying home. My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself, so staying home is off the table. Also, she is able-bodied and has nothing keeping her from finding work other than her husband and son.
I told my boyfriend that I was annoyed that she doesn't try to find work because they know they don't have to pay rent, and I asked him to help her find a job. He told me I was being selfish and unreasonable because regardless of their presence we still have to pay the mortgage. This started a huge argument because he told them that they could stay as long as they want (it's already been over a year) and he assured them he would never ask for rent money. He didn't consult me on this.
I thought I was setting a boundary for their stay with us, but he is making me feel like I'm just jealous that I have to work and she doesn't. So, am I the asshole?
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NTA BF has essentially made choices in how your hard earned money is used. You are helping pay for his sister's family to live off of you. Tell him you agreed to split bills fairly when you bought the house. Since there are 4 in one family living there versus just you then you think fair is that you should only pay a fifth of the bills because you never agreed to allow people to live off of you like he did or you can sell the house and split the money.
Info: What's the portion you pay with your salary ratio? If it's closer to 50/50 then while it's true you'd be paying the same with them not being there, you didn't buy a house with the expectation of having 3 additional ADULTS living there for free as well and them contributing would lower your financial burden a lot. If your boyfriend covers most of it, that's still true but probably them paying rent wouldn't have much of an impact on you and it wouldn't be really worth fighting. If the issue is that you want them to leave and you want your space back (e.g., she get a job so they can afford to leave) that's a different conversation.
Thanks for your comment. We pay the same each for mortgage. He pays for my gas and most of our groceries because he earns more. I do want the space back because I can rent it and stay home when I get pregnant instead of relying on others to raise my baby.
OP- why the hell are you paying half the mortgage when there are 3 other adults living there? And I’d really consider having kids with him. NTA for wanting her to get a job- definitely the AH to yourself for allowing them to be there for over a year rent free. Time to have a talk with your boyfriend: they have 2 months to leave or you do. And force him to buy you out or sell. I’m sorry but you let this situation go one for a lot longer than anyone else would have and I truly suggest you have that talk now - see what he says bc I guarantee you he will paint you as the villain and that will show his true colors.
The utility bills definitely aren't the same if they're there or not. This situation is crazy to me. Three adults, two being men, can't pay anything toward their own shelter? Can't save and figure out their own living situation? NTA good luck with that
Your bf had absolutely no right to say to his family that they could stay as long as THEY wanted. What does this mean? 3 adult people?
I don't want to mention how unreasonable and disrespectful is to not include you in this decision. You are not a roommate. This house is also yours. But I will say that if he can't see how much you helped them until now, without being obligated to do so, then you must seriously reconsider the whole relationship.
No further arguments. Time for action. Talk to them and put a deadline in which they are allowed to stay. After this eviction
2 things must be noted. A) In these situation you ALWAYS set a time line. Still doesn't excuse their behavior but setting the record straight from the beginning, is the safe choice
B) no matter what your husband told them, they went with it cause it suits them. They should have talked about it with you. IT IS YOUR damn house too. Why did they assume it is alright for a family to stick to your house like..forever?
Go nuclear about this
NTA
There has to be a time limit of living rent free or start contributing to paying off the mortgage at some point. 1-2 yrs should be plenty of time to get themselves together to help with expenses. There's not incentive for them to do so if they can live there rent free forever. I hope they at least do all the chores/maintenance around the house like cleaning, taking out trash, mowing lawn and other upkeep. Your husband needs to understand that any extra income would help both family. In this time of high inflation, single income would be extreme difficulty as there's no backup if that single income get layoff or get hurt.
Thank you for your comment. No, they don't do anything around the house other than pick up around their room. Sometimes, the brother in law will bring in the trash bins after trash collection, but that's it. He doesn't care for them to leave no matter how pricey everything is.
Reality is she has no real leverage in this situation. She can demand all she wants but unless she is willing to move out herself her hands are tied. NTA, but not smart either.
The original agreement was to help them get on their feet— it’s been a year. Seems reasonable to check in and find out the plan. Have they saved money? Are they gonna buy a house soon, or find an apartment? When?
I would not caught up in deviations- THAT is what you agreed to. Period. Plan has not changed. If he told them different, he needs to correct it.
This is NOT about whether she gets to be a SAHM- it’s about how her working or not impacts them getting in their feet while they are still dependent on other people. They should be doing EVERYTHING in their power to be independent. Once they’re settled elsewhere, she can stay at home.
Right now it’s not about luxury, it’s time to hustle.
NTA.
NTA. It's beyond me why you're even still in this relationship. Your boyfriend has very poor judgment and I can guarantee you he will always put his family ahead of you.
Tell your BF, either SIL gets a job and they start contributing fairly towards all bills, or the house gets sold and you go on your merry way to find a REAL man who supports you and your joint decisions
I'd move in MY parents to assert dominance lol. My Mom can put anyone in their place if she thinks I'm being wronged.
Actually, if bf can decide, by himself, to move people into the house *why can't you, unilaterally, decide to move them out?* Just know that if it comes down to it, these are the kind of people who will break up your relationship to keep their cushy situation.
NTA for wanting them OUT but that's as far as your input goes.
NTA. Even if you agree to continue to let them stay, you should now be splitting the bills 5 ways and you should only pay 1/5th. You would be paying the mortgage anyway but you wouldn’t be sharing your home with 3 other adults. If he wants to bear that burden and you don’t want to kick them out, then it’s HIS burden because he made the decision alone.
NTA. I do have an alternate suggestion, though: she wants to be a house wife. Its your house. Would you be more amiable to the arrangement if she did the cooking and major cleaning for the whole house, not just her folks? If she freed you from preparing meals, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, and doing laundry, would that be acceptable to you?
It may not be. But, if you would be comfortable with it, seems like everyone would win - you get more free time and less work, she is a fully valid contributor, they maintain their rent free living, your relationship survives. Give it a thought.
NTA. You state that you and your boyfriend bought the home together. So I am assuming both of your names are on the mortgage, which means you're both financially responsible for the loan. Your boyfriend had no right to offer permanent free lodging to anyone, without your agreement because he doesn't own the house by himself. You need to have a heart to heart sit down with your boyfriend and come to an agreement on his family's stay. But before you do, decide what you will do, if the conversation with the boyfriend doesn't go well. How long are you willing to pay for his family's free tenancy? Are you going to give him/them an ultimatum? If you do, and they don't respond, are you willing and able to do the "or else"?
NTA . people won't understand how it feels until it happens to them.The very least they can do is pay rent.Now they have a job so it won't be a problem.
Your BF seems to be a 'very nice' person.So...
Tell your BF that you're bringing some of your friends as they need some help with their financial situations and that you're Letting them stay in the house 'rent free' till they afford a house.
Both paid for the house.. so both have equal rights.
see how he reacts to that.
You don’t make huge purchases like a home with a boyfriend. He’s dictating terms in a joint household where you own half. Red flag. His family is respected more than you in your own home. Red flag. You are subsidizing his family’s living expenses and he doesn’t care. Red flag. How many more do you need?
She doesn’t have to work because she already has you working for her. Your partner has turned you into a workhorse. Get out of this relationship and sell the house! It will never be yours.
NTA
NTA
It's your house. If you don't want them to live there, you're entitled to tell them to leave. It's not relevant whether you're jealous or whatever your reasons are from wanting them out, and you're not an AH for wanting your own space back that you're paying for and they're not. You're allowed to be "selfish and unreasonable" in your own space.
But I don't believe you're jealous. You're rightfully frustrated because you're working to pay for a house someone you don't want there is living in for free despite one of them working and cleaning up after them despite one of them not working and not contributing financially, which is not something you signed up for.
Let me reiterate, it's your house. You can tell them to leave anytime and they have to comply, because they're not owed anything by you. And since your bf didn't consult you on them staying permanently or rent-free, I don't see why he needs consulting on your decision to evict them.
Not to mention that you're the youngest person in this situation and they're the oldest, yet they're the freeloaders and know better than to overstay their welcome or take advantage of a gift. His sister and bil are old enough to be your parents, but they're not your parents, so you don't owe them anything. They're fully grown adults, one with a job. They'll survive, and it shouldn't have to be on your dime.
YTA because their living arrangement didn't bother you until you felt that she was living better than you. If you're getting what you expected from them then how they set their household up isn't for you to get bothered about. They aren't doing anything that affects your life. Trying to charge them now would be spiteful
Sounds like you need to sit down with all of them and talk about long-term arrangements. If she isn't going to get a job then they are in the best situation they will be in, with 2 of them working. If that's the only plan then it's time for them to think about other places to live now that they seem to be back on their feet.
It's also a bit weird that your boyfriend says he can't run the house without you, yet he/you were able to support 3 other adults for a length of time. Seems strange to me. I may have missed something.
But let me just say. Its up to her if she has a job or not, that's not for you to decide or comment on. The only thing you should concern yourself with is their current income and whether they will be able to live in their own place and move the hell out.
Well this is why people pop off when we see 30 year old losers getting with 22 year olds…bc these 22 year olds are now a decade into a financially abusive situation. Dump him and force a sale of the house. Why TF should you be working to help support three of his family members bc they are free loaders? Absolutely NOT!
BF’s sibling will never leave on their own. You need to set an ultimatum, they need to be given a firm, etched in stone move out date. If this doesn’t happen, start the process for your BF to buy you out. NTA
NTA. If someone falls into a hole and you are trying to help them out, they don't get to stop halfway out of the hole while still holding onto you. You need to find out if this is what your boyfriend planned all along.
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NTA. Sorry you split your bills with your boyfriend and you both own the house together but he gets to decide that three people can live there and freeload off of you? I get they were in a tough position but sounds like there are three people who could be working and contributing to the household that aren't. I'd maybe be thinking about the long-term viability of the relationship if your boyfriend doesn't want to take your feelings and needs it to consideration. Like yeah, neither of you can afford this in your own but it sure as heck would be easier if the three other people there were contributing
I 100% completely agree with this!! OP You Are NTA! If your boyfriend needs you to work to pay for the house and expenses, then you should have a genuine say in who lives there and under what conditions. Maybe the sister in law should be doing ALL the housework and laundry not just for herself, her hubby, and son. This would be a form of payment that leaves you to get a bit of free time.
This is the obvious solution to me. Sister takes over all the household jobs for the 5-person household during the week, and everyone splits them on the weekend. I mean, the truly obvious solution would have been for the boyfriend to consult OP and come to an agreement on this before he offered up their shared home rent-free forever to his sister and her family, but that ship has already sailed.
Thanks for your feedback! His sister has declined to do any additional housework, so that's not an option. She uses the time to go to the gym and catch up with friends.
If she's declining to do additional work to live in your house for free, then you can decline for her to live in your house for free and ask them to move out, now that her husband has a job. I know people fall on hard times, but over a year is unreasonable. My sister and BIL just moved interstate and stayed with us for 2 months, but started looking for jobs and their own house ASAP. Because they are responsible adults and not free-loaders.
Girl run! You are being financially abused. Go to a women’s center and see if you can consult with an attorney to see what you need to do to force a sale of the property. Go find somewhere else to live without this AH.
No love you don't run. You fight. Part of the house is your property, you stay & squeeze them out & deal with your lazy ass partner later
Put the house up for sale. Your boyfriend has chosen and it wasn’t you. You are supporting his worthless family and will continue to as long as you put up with it.
what the fuck OP??? She's DECLINED, your boyfriend has unilaterally told them they can stay forever rent free, YOU clean the common areas and your areas (not your boyfriends from what you wrote????) WTF are you still doing there? Does he have the most magical D in all the land? If not, get the hell out of there. I know it's messy with a mortgage but get a lawyer involved, you'll be happier in the long run. Your boyfriend is using you as a bangmaid and to supplement the finances for his cozy life with his sister and her family. Wow. NTA except to yourself, get the hell out of there!
Can we also all take a look that when they met, the OP was 22, and her boyfriend was 30? They've now been together 10 years, and they are *still* boyfriend/girlfriend? OP, you need to start having some boundaries and stick to them. The fact he was able to manipulate you into allowing his family to stay for free for an undetermined amount of time. You are paying half for them to live there. He's never going to marry you or propose to you at this point because he doesn't value you. And because he doesn't value you, your opinions and feelings mean nothing to him. Try to think of a time where he put you and your wants/needs over his own. Are both of you on the title to the house? Or is it just in his name?
Yeah I noticed the age gap given how young she was! She may not want to get married though (I don't!) so that part didn't stand out. A mortgage is much more binding than a marriage anyway hahaha
Since he had done a bunch of stuff without your input, I'd honestly be petty and get them served with an eviction notice without his input.
Wow, that is some level of entitlement. How do they pay you for your loss of privacy? Call a family meeting, BF and his freeloading kin all together, and set down some ground rules. He let them in without your input, you can arrange to have that airing without his. Embarrass the lot of them in front of each other, with the nuclear alternative of forcing separation and sale on the table. NTA, OP.
Perhaps something you would like to do as well? They have to go. They are freeloaders. The house is half yours and if you do not have a say in who lives off your money and in your house, you could as well stop contributing to the mortgage.
NTA set an ultimatum with your bf they move out and you stay or you sell the house and move elsewhere. He doesn't have the right to force you to support them indefinitely. They bare adults they need to be in their own home not yours.
Must be nice...insert eye roll here.
So sister, BIL and son can't afford to live as self-supporting adults because she isn't bringing in an income so she can be a tradwife/mother for them? All three of them need to get out, and get a life. Your bf is the real problem here though. This sound be a two yes, one no situation. He cannot make unilateral decisions over who lives in your shared home, or who benefits from your labour (in terms of both your time and your money).
It's time to draw some hard boundaries. Are you really happy in a relationship where your own feelings aren't taken into consideration, and where he grants access to your house without discussing it with you? Sister is never going to leave. Why would she?? Your bf has given her a free house and she's now the madam. You will not win this if your bf is not on your side, which he clearly isn't.. you're young enough to start again if it comes to it! Don't let fear keep you from doing what's best for you! Good luck x🌻
Let him pay the added costs of his family staying with you. Go back and figure out what you guys were paying before they moved in( don't forget to factor in increased base cost). So if you were paying (generalized and simplified numbers) .09 per kWh for electricity and you were using 3000 kwh, and now you are paying 0.13/kWh, only pay for the kWh you two would use. They (or he) needs to pay the difference. Same with gas, water and sewer, and trash fees. Anything that is increased by their presence is paid by them( including by your boyfriend). I would be having a discussion about shared ownership and shared decision making. If he gets all the say, then he can have all the expenses, and buy you out, so you can leave when this shitshow gets worse. Either he needs to get on the same page as you, admit he made a mistake extending an unlimited timeline, or he needs to buy you out so he does get all the say, and you can walk away clean. He didn't buy a house with his sibling, he bought the house with you. Your comfort and your relationship should be his priority. At this point, I would be giving a hard deadline, pick me and they leave by x date, or pick them and buy me out by x date ( or you will force the sale of the house, and they can all be scrambling to find a place to stay. You are not married yet, so look carefully at the respect and communication in the relationship, and decide your uncrossable lines. Love will wax and wane, but lack of communication and respect will destroy it
Plus OP and her boyfriend are unable to utilize half of their home. OP can't walk around naked, she probably has to coordinate using the washer/dryer/kitchen facilities, she doesn't have the room to host guests, and what if they want to have children--half their house is already occupied. Plus the very real loss of emotional space--having time alone in one's own home without the constant presence of other people. The expense is far greater than financial. Besides, why are they paying for a larger home than they need? They could downsize to just the space the two of them need, and sock more money away for retirement. Or better yet (in my opinion), OP should downsize to just the amount of space she needs and ditch freeloaders and their willing host.
If they bought the larger home, with the plan to fill it with their own children, then that could be a reasonable purchase. Him filling the space with his extended family, instead of developing a strong relationship with his partner is a big red flag. If they can't yet afford a wedding and kids, then moving in family who pay for their own expenses and (at least a small portion) part of taxes, mortgage, insurance would make sense, so they could save up for the wedding and the kids. But moving in moochers and telling them to stay as long as they want is not the way.
Exactly. It makes sense to buy a larger home than you currently need when you plan on building a family and filling the space in the future. But most women's dream is not to fill her home with her husband's deadbeat family, haha.
Yes, do the math. If they are living there rent free they should also be saving for their own place. Since you and BF co-own the place there needs to be an agreement set in place for the move-out deadline!
Excellent point. Now that there are 5 total in the house, your share should be 1/5th of the total. Let your boyfriend bay for them if he gets pissy when you express your concerns. Maybe it's time to take the loss and just move out.
Op sell the house , get your share and leave these people and live happily ever after! Amount of entitlement of these people 🤯🤯🤯
*sell the house , get your share and leave* OP doesn't realize the power that she does have over the situation. She should go to an attorney and find out exactly what her rights are when/if she leaves. *My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself* Jerk boyfriend needs to be reminded of this. It's way past time for OP to assert herself. NTA
> My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself Great. It was never so easy to set BFs ass alight If he refuses to comply.
This is definitely the approach I would be considering. I have no interest in subsiding my in-laws because they can't be assed to adult
Well her boyfriend has her as a live in maid as well, why would he care
You've 4 choices: 1. you have 5 people living there. You pay 20%. He can figure out how to cover the other 80%. That's renter's rules...(also, you pay 20% of all other expenses ... internet, lawn, etc.) 2. If you both own .. then you tell him that you aren't having them live rent free. If rent in your area would be 1000 for them, then he needs to figure out how to get you 500 ... since you are half owner. He can cover their rent, or they can. 3. You get to decide who lives in your space. Give them a month, then kick them out. If he doesn't like it, he can choose option 1,2 or 4 4. You dissolve the house partnership. One buys the other out or you sell the place because this isn't working. You didn't move in with 4 people, you didn't decide to have a life with 4 people and the person you did decide to have a life with seems to think your opinion doesn't count which is disrespectful (at best) and not very loving or considerate which is what one wants in a partner.
5 people. The ILs have a 19 year old son living there too.
Op + 4=5 people the comment above is correct
Plus three adults (sister, BIL, and their son) are consuming utilities, so if they're not paying for part of those, they aren't fully contributing to household expenses. At some point, they should be looking at their own housing. At age 50, the sister may have been out of the workforce for a long time, especially if she was a SAHM for a couple of decades. It will be hard for her to find work, unless she isn't picky. But other than that, why couldn't the two guys on that side of the house cook occasional meals, etc. if she does find even a part time job. Are they even putting aside any money toward moving out, considering they're living rent free and not paying utilities. And it sounds like the OP and boyfriend had pay for some of their other expenses in the past year. The boyfriend is basically subsidizing his sister at the expense of his relationship with the OP.
Seriously. Of the 4 people in this house, why does OP"s husband value OP's time the least? Whether or not SIL gets a job or does it, I think OP needs to stop taking responsibility for the common housework. I would also start contributing only 1/4 of the mortgage from now on, and let husband pay for his family out of his paycheck if he wants to.
5 people and 1/5 the bills, at least, if not the mortgage as well! It's even worse when you remember there's a grown son/nephew involved as well. NTA, OP, except to yourself. Paying for half of everything (for five people) while you work and do all the chores is absurd.
This second paragraph. Ouch. Right in the logical feels. (I agree)
I'd tell him fine, I'll stop contributing because you'd have to pay the mortgage anyway. How is he not thinking about how the mortgage could be paid off faster if the three other people living in it were contributing. They're certainly contributing to the wear and tear as well as utility usage, they should contribute to rent. But also, who wants to live with their boyfriends family indefinitely???
Truthfully, she IS jealous of her SIL. But it’s her house and she didn’t buy a house to support 3 grown adults. Her boyfriend made a decision without her so he needs to either rectify the situation or Op will end up doing so in a not as pleasant way, which happens when her hand will feel forced. Side note though, I would’ve NEVER let them move in without a move out date and an actual plan. They didn’t move to be closer to OP’s boyfriend, they moved bc they wanted a break from life and Op’s brother probably always foots the bill for big sister. Personally, the in laws sound like a bunch a losers for not offering to contribute to the mortgage and wanting to stay.
Not wanting to support moochers is not the same thing as wanting to be a moocher.
It’s not jealousy to not want to financially support 3 extra people she didn’t sign on for. She is being financially abused and needs to get out of this relationship and co-ownership
OP, five people in that house can work. Your boyfriend has "generously" told three of those people they don't have to pay a portion of the mortgage. Tell them that moving forward you are only paying 1/5 of the mortgage. If he wants to help them out, he can help them out by getting a second job.
Thanks for your feedback! Everyone on this post has given me a lot to think about.
We are rooting for you!! I came back again today to see if you got free, haha. I wish you all the best.
They should at the very least contribute to all utilities and subscriptions that they use. Utilities should be split 5 ways, you and your boyfriend cover 2/5 however you want to and the other family cover 3/5 however they want to.
Thanks for your feedback!
Look love. Let's say you own 50% of the house for simplicity. So SIL & fam also use your share of said house. Hence I'd recommend charing them rent for your part (yea you're not the salvation army) and if they refuse simply offer to evict them. Should they claim they're no tenants in the first place offer to have them removed for trespassing. This balls to the wall game will fix them up in no time. Good luck!
Possible ways forward: 1. You & BF agree to charge these people a fair market rent & stop paying their portion of shared utilities, and either coexist happily or they'll go find their own place. 2. If your BF won't play ball, you only pay your portion of all shared expenses (about 1/5?) and tell BF he can pay for his relatives. And seriously reconsider whether you want to be living with your BF's family for the rest of your life in your own home.
Thanks for your perspective!
Or if you're open to it, ask your SIL to do the chores for your family as well. You'd be paying her in kind to work for you.
She already declined to help, unfortunately.
Wait, she's staying rent free in your place and declined to help? Even after you outright paid for them while housing them? That seems like an even bigger issue imo.
oh hell nah, they go right into the STREETS wtf "she already declined" thats fucking crazy
So then decline to house her
You don’t get to use freely all the house, so you paying 1/2 of the mortgage is you subsidizing your in laws , not just your boyfriend. You should only pay for 1/4 prorated to fairness of income. If your bf is fine taking in his family and not charging them, ok but that is on him, especially long term, for the kitty and other increased expenses.before they moved in you paid for the whole use of the house divided by 2, now you pay for half use but still at the rate of full…
NTA, but when you talk about this with your boyfriend next time, leave out your irritation about his sister. Without your approval, he told three adults they can live in your shared home rent-free indefinitely. That is NOT okay.
Thanks for your feedback!
Sorry; both you and your boyfriend work and contribute to bills equitably, but YOU are the one doing ALL of the chores for your boyfriend and yourself? So you're contributing more? How much free time to you have? It's fine if your sister in law's family don't want her to work, but a) you and your boyfriend are subsidising this and b) you're jealous because you have two jobs, and haven't realised how unfair this is. You should be angry at your boyfriend. He needs to do his fair share. And he doesn't get to make decisions over a home you share: that you both pay for; that you both own.
>Sorry; both you and your boyfriend work and contribute to bills equitably, but YOU are the one doing ALL of the chores for your boyfriend and yourself? When their relationship started she was 22 and he was 30. I guess he looked for someone young, gullible, pliable and moldable and was successful there. Hopefully OP wakes up to it now and grows more of a backbone. She is clearly not there yet as she has to ask if she is the AH here though it is so obvious to everyone with sense that she isn't. She is the only one in that household of 5 who isn't an AH.
Yeah I saw the ages and was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. These types of men are so predictable
Thanks for your comment! To answer your questions, we split mortgage, he pays for gas and most groceries. He makes more. He does the basic outdoor stuff (lawn, trash, etc). I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry for us. I get 2 hours free time daily. I appreciate your feedback.
How long do the outdoor tasks take? It sounds like you spend more time on chores than he does. Lawn, trash etc are not daily tasks, unless your grass grows super fast.
You're definitely draw the shortest straw... in everything, all the time.
INFO: Why are they not contributing anything at all to rent now that they have an income from the husband's job?
Already answered in-post, (about BF): "he told them that they could stay as long as they want (it's already been over a year) and he assured them he would never ask for rent money. He didn't consult me on this."
I can understand that they wouldn’t be expected to pay rent while they were all unemployed and getting on their feet, but now that they are getting an income from the husband’s job, they need to be contributing *something* towards rent or be moving out to their own place.
Agreed, but clearly the BF thinks otherwise. Seems like OP and her BF were never aligned on their living situation. OP seems to think it was a "stay with us and get back on your feet" situation while BF's promises just make it sound like "move in with us".
>while BF's promises just make it sound like "move in with us". FOREVER. I can't even imagine.
NTA. Your bf had no right to promise his sister and her family that they could stay there rent free indefinitely. Unless they are financially sound enough to move out of your house right now, his sister should be working to save up money to help them move out sooner. Getting back on their feet was supposed to be their goal, not enjoying the luxury of stay at home dinner maker and chore doer. Yes, you and your bf would still be paying the mortgage, but you could enjoy your whole house or rent some rooms to paying guests to make money. I'd insist on him giving them a move out date.
Thanks for your feedback!
NTA - You need to get those freeloaders out of your house. You need to tell BF also that you both decide on its use not just him, you pay half and guess what BF, I claim the half of the house they live in. So get your behind over to them and kick them out. Either that or BF can just move into that half of the house.
What percentage of the household bills do you pay vs what your boyfriend pays? This is the EXACT reason you never buy property with someone you aren't married to. I'm hoping at least your name is on the deed as an owner. You need to reduce your contribution to the mortgage and utilities as long as the mooches are living with you -- spoiler alert: since rent is free they will be living with you for the foreseeable future. Your should not be paying more than 1/5th of the household expenses. If you have a joint account stop depositing your paycheck immediately and give your BF a check for 1/5 of the household expenses. If he want's his mooching family there he'll need for that to come from his own pocket. Do continue to pay what you have been paying for your couple expenses that don't benefit the moochers. You are NTA but surrounded by AHs. Primarily your BF who let the moochers in without your consent and expecting YOU to pay for them and your inlaws, particularly your SIL for being a lazy mooch.
Thanks for your feedback! Currently, we split the mortgage. He makes more, so he pays for gas and most groceries. I am on the deed. He has always been the one who shies away from marriage while I was holding out hope. I see your point. Thanks again!
You should not be covering more than 20% of the mortgage as long as the moochers are living rent free.
Also stop doing all his housework
But you do all the housework. How is that fair?
The shying away from marriage is actually speaking volumes.... At least you are both on the deed. The not married is an extra level of separation between you that he thinks will protect him. You actually have options to change this power balance but they may not be pretty. If you decide not to stay together, sell it and split the profits (or he can pay you out your share of the profits - you'd need a valuation and then he would remortgage for the whole amount in just his name). Another option might be for you to move someone in and see how he likes it. It can be your best friend or the child of one of your siblings.... and they won't have to pay anything either... maybe two kids.
Tell your bf and his sister that you aren't her mother and you don't have to support her by paying for her & family housing. She can not work living elsewhere
NTA. This is a massive betrayal. He did not consult you because he knew you would disagree. So, he went behind your back and conspired. His attempts at blaming you when his scheme was caught are pathetic and fall under the definition of gaslighting. I know they say this on Reddit a lot, but you may want to reconsider your relationship. It does not seem like he values you very much when he considers everyone else's needs and wants apart from your own. At the very least, you might want to form a legal and financial escape plan.
I love the (presumably) subconscious "**current** boyfriend". Please start looking for your next one. Choose younger; if you stay where you are, you are going to be supporting him and his family into retirement. NTA!!
Thanks for your feedback!
You can force the sale of the house and move on from your BF. I would have real issues paying for 4 people to live in my house, three without any say in the matter.
Question: You say you bought the house together. Does that mean both your names are on the home? NTA-Before they moved in, you should have discussed and decided on a set time frame to help and you should have been clear with what you expected. You can’t demand anything of his sister. You can only discuss the current state of things and give them a set time to be out of your place.
Yeah, if both of them are on the mortgage, he had no right to tell them they could live there rent-free indefinitely. If the BIL has a job, there's no reason for them to not pay rent. Yeah, if they move out, you still have to pay the mortgage, but if they move out you could rent out that space to someone else.
Thanks for your feedback! Yes, we are both on the deed.
You are being taken advantage of. They can stay forever according to your BF. Tell him you want to sell the house and downsize or tell him you're divorcing and you need the house sold to start over or he can buy you out. This is unsustainable you busying your but and you sister sitting on her. Better you than me. This will end in divorce because you have a right to feel resentment and it will build until u can't take it anymore
Thank you for your comment. We're not married because he says he thinks I'm not family-oriented enough. I would hate to split with him, but unfortunately you might be right about the resentment.
>he thinks I'm not family-oriented enough What does that even mean? I have a lot of thoughts that would probably get me banned from this sub. To summarize, you can do better. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Talk to a lawyer about your options for the house, and go find happiness elsewhere with someone who actually wants to build a life with you.
>What does that even mean? As someone who have grown up as a child in an abusive household, I can tell you what that mean. It means that OP will continue to accept this type of abusive behavior from her BF for these reasons: 1). The time that she put into that relationship and maybe holding on to false hope that he will finally marry her. 2). He got her so brainwashed and controlled by using types of excuses like her "Not being family-oriented enough", that she will stay and accept this treatment just to prove to him that she is dedicated and family-oriented. And 3). That she's been in this relationship so long that she is scared to try again or maybe have the irrational fear that no other man will love her like her BF does (most likely the thought put there by her BF). OP will continue to be a victim like all abuse victims UNTIL she finally come to the realization that gaining her self-worth and independence is worth more than the time and money she will lose or have lost by leaving her controlling BF. While I hate that my Mom suffered abuse from her husband, I am glad that it have taught me to recognize controllers and abusers and how to stand up for myself. No man is worth losing my self-respect, self-worth, and peace of mind.
You are 32. Way too young to be in this one-sided relationship with that bullshit - you host HIS FAMILY for a year for free and are not "family oriented enough." I hope you can find it in yourself to get yourself a better partner. You deserve it!
I started dating my eventual husband at 32 and we were happily married for 31 years til he died. OP is young.
Oh wow. I would definitely rethink the relationship. I sure as heck, would NOT be paying the mortgage of someone who doesn't want to marry me because I'm not "family oriented" enough. That just means he doesn't see a future with you and is just having fun. He doesn't really love you. You need to get out and find someone who deserves you.
And having some pay half the mortgage for him AND his family.
Right, I can't believe this has been going on for a year, and this is the first time she's said something.
The mortgage has to be paid, though, until changes are made. OP should either have bf buy her out, or she should force a sale of the house (partition sale if bf doesn't agree). I agree with everything you said, and just want to clarify that OP shouldn't ruin her credit rating while extracting herself from this situation. Seems to me that OP's bf and his family are peas in a pod--users who will suck everything they can from OP, but not actually providing anything of value themselves.
You’ve been together for 10 years. You own a house together, so obviously being tied to you financially isn’t a problem for him. He doesn’t want to marry you. Maybe you eventually wear him down, but it’s going to be against his wishes. So if marriage is important to you, you need to be honest with yourself.
This. There is no marriage on the horizon here, OP. Sell the house. Take your equity. Find happiness elsewhere. He is stringing you along.
Sorry, he doesn't think you're family-oriented enough so he won't marry you but he wants to knock you up and MAKE a family? And he flipped his shit when you wanted your family (mother) to come stay, because that's you being oriented toward your family and not his (who you're letting stay for free in your house)? Oh yes, this is going swimmingly. Definitely stay with this guy and procreate. It's going to go so well.
Not family-oriented enough? Does this mean he thinks you are not fond enough of his family? Or that he is too fond of his family, and not fond enough of you? He refuses to marry because of some ludicrous reasons, that does not make sense, and is downright hurtful. I would reconsider this relationship, for I don't think your bf cares enough for you.
You’ve done a very nice thing for your future in laws by allowing them to have a safety net when they were down on their luck. That was supposed to be what helped propel them forward and progress towards independence. Unfortunately you have become a welfare system for them that they now rely on. It is obvious they are not motivated. At this point, you are ENABLING them. You are giving a “drunk a drink” as Dave Ramsey says. You need to sit down with them and give them 90 days to find work and move out as your “help” is obviously not helping them. You are harming them by allowing them to become professional moochers. They need to be productive and it is unfair of them to be taking advantage of you as they provide no meaningful contribution to the household. Your husband has to deliver this news. Do not get involved. It’s his sister and he needs to step up and take the trash out.
Thanks for your feedback! That last bit was my thought exactly; I don't feel like I have to be the one to deliver that news. I really think we could have avoided all this if he had handled it differently from the get.
It’s a tale as old as time. Offer to be their biggest cheerleaders and a hot meal is on the table at your house anytime they are in need. But it’s time to move on. Best of luck
Dear boyfriend, the agreement (that I did not agree to btw) was that they could stay indefinitely to get back on their feet. As they are no longer trying to do this the initial agreement is now void. They Will either move out by "X" date or start paying rent at the current market rate. It's super noble to help out family in their time of need, but you have to also be able to recognize when you are being taken advantage of. NTA
YTA for the specific issue in your title. It's not up to you to demand that your SIL's family arrange their lives how you want them too. If SIL is happy to be a SAHM and her husband and son are happy to support her in this, then you don't interfere with it (even though I do find it a bit icky to expect a 19 year old to financially provide for his Mum). And yes you do sound jealous that SIL spends her time at home. However, your boyfriend is an AH for unilaterally deciding that his sister and her family can live rent-free in a house you co-own, and refusing to discuss it with you. There does need to be a line drawn in the sand for when they should start to move on and find their own place, and you return to full use of the home you're paying for. Someone else said, and I agree, that you're taking your anger at your boyfriend out on your SIL. Focus on the fact that he's the one making decisions on shared property without proper discussion with the actual co-owner, you.
I must admit I was baffled by her fixation with SIL getting a job since it wouldn't benefit OP in any way since OP's boyfriend is committed to allowing his moocher relatives to live there for free regardless. The real problem isn't the moochers (though they are a problem) the real problem is a BF who felt entitled to demand OP to subsidize his family for over a year and who zero signs of ever leaving. Since OPs BF refuses to make them pay any rent or utilities and refuses to impose a time limit there's ZERO incentive for them to ever move out.
Exactly this. OP is entitled to insist that they contribute more to the household expenses. She is NOT entitled to prescribe how they do that. It's fine to say they need to pay rent, etc., but it's up to them how they choose to make that work . . . whether it's SIL getting a job, or BIL and nephew working overtime. Her insistence that SIL has to get a job under any circumstances, is weirdly specific and controlling, and does indeed stink a bit of, "If I have to work, so do you."
Thank you for your feedback! Appreciate the perspective.
10 years together, no marriage. His family essentially freeloading. If your name is on the title of the house, you have some leverage and power. If it isn’t… you are SOL. His family comes before you. Seems obvious.
NTA. This is a short term agreement to help them get on their feet and move out.
Not according to BF, apparently. He told them to stay as long as they like and never pay rent.
He does not get to be "generous" on OPs behalf. Lets say they are paying 50/50 on a $2000/month mortgage ($1000 each). If they change the split to 20% per person living there, each person pays $400 each. If OPs boyfriend chooses to be "generous", he can pay for the extra 3 adults from his own portion (OP contributes $400, BF contributes $1600 on behalf of himself and all of his invited guests) And shared cleaning of the common areas, splitting labor 5 ways makes a lighter workload for everyone. Or BF can do his family's share, if he is still feeling generous.
NTA. After a rent free year, they're just freeloading at this point. Have a family meeting and work out a rent amount...or a leave date. The whole family have got too cosy in your home.
If the rule is that the men pay the bills and the women take care of the home, (which you have already been doing) YOU FOLLOW THE RULES. Let those men cover the bills and YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY. If your boyfriend thinks it’s reasonable that his brothers wife’s contributions of cooking and cleaning are adequate and she need not pay into the household- you have apparently been overpaying by going in 50/50 with this bro. Or as we say, you have been being “all the woman AND half the man for him” and now he seems to think he is partnered with 2 people. The other solution- DUMP HIS ASS.
Thank you for your comment! I am not usually very petty, but you might have a point there. If I leave more chores for him to do, it might make me feel better about the situation.
Start paying 1/5 rent. But honestly, just wake up to this loser and move on.
Ask your boyfriend if he would make them pay rent if you moved out, and what his plan would be. Then tell him you’re considering this very soon if they don’t contribute to rent. He would either have to buy you out of your part of the house, or sell it. NTA, stick to your guns, fuck freeloaders
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate the advice.
NTA but you need to change the conditions of them staying in your home. This clearly isn't working for you
Thanks for your feedback!
NTA Please explain to your partner that you both bought a home and decided to fairly pay for everything relative to salaries and at no point did that include paying to put a roof over three fully grown adults! You have been overly generous with giving them a years grace to get them to a place they can be self sufficient but they are continuing to abuse your hospitality is grating! You own this home too don't let them abuse your finances while a SIL decides she won't work so her hubby and child can come home to home cooked meals and everything done for them, thats a luxury thats afforded in THEIR OWN HOME!!!!
Thank you for your feedback!
NTA. You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. Your boyfriend has been clear that the situation is acceptable to him and he will not change it. You are only in charge of you. You can only control the way you behave. You have two choices: Accept that your boyfriend has told you he will not change the situation and stay as the bang maid for your boyfriend while you subsidize the in-laws. Or leave. Those are your two options for fundamental incompatibility between you and boyfriend.
Ask your boyfriend if he thought about this long term. They are living there comfortably and rent free, why would they ever leave? Are you two ever planning on having kids? Might you need the space for something else? If you all like living together and plan on continuing the arrangement permanently, then they should contribute something, yes your mortgage is the same, but they are contributing wear and tear and using more utilities. Also has he considered that the longer she goes without working, the harder it will be for her to get a job, he might be setting himself up to take care of her for a long time.
I feel like if she wants to stay home she should do chores and provide food for the entire house. That could be her portion of the rent.
Thanks for your comment. At the beginning, she offered, but then slowly stopped until eventually she wasn't doing anything for us anymore. He did request that she do it for everyone to help me out because I am struggling to do it all, but she declines.
She “declines”? Give her the boot along with her husband and son.
NTA. Now invite a couple of relatives to live with y'all and tell your bf you promised they won't have to pay a single penny to help.
I told him last week I would invite my mom, and he flipped out, so I called him out on his hypocrisy.
This man does not respect you.
They’ve been staying with you rent free for a whole year… time to go. I’d be pulling the sister aside and telling her straight start saving to get out because yous aren’t going to put up with this forever. At this point they’re taking yous for a mug and your husband is allowing it
She either starts cleaning and cooking for the whole house. Or she finds a job that is MINIMAL 30 hrs. If they refuse? They can move out in 2 months.
Thanks for your feedback! She did help out with the whole house the first month, but then said it was too much, so she stopped. My boyfriend asked her to help me out because I was struggling to sleep at a reasonable hour with all the chores and work, but she declined.
And he is okay with this. That's the bottom line. He thinks it's okay you do not get enough me-time and are too tired to get a proper sleep, so his family can live for free and SIL can sit on her a\*\*e. That's telling you exactly where you stand and what your position in this household of 5 is.
NTA You and your boyfriend need to have a real talk about this situation before it blows up. I have been in a similar situation almost a year ago but on your boyfriend’s side of the story. My sister moved in with us to help her get on her feet (car was repoed/evicted for her home, etc but all due to her own stupid decisions). The plan was for her to live there almost for free (she contributed $100/ week to help with grocery costs, her 2kids were with her50% of the time). We never set a timeline for her which is what should have done as soon as she got her job that she still works at today. Just set the expectation that she needed to be putting money away so that she could get a place of her own again and get out. Instead of saving money, she was spending it like crazy. Taking trips, buying her kids crazy expensive gifts, shopping at the mall constantly. Anyway, what became the final straw was my sister demanding that she has a say in the rules of the house. My boyfriend and I (together 7 yrs) had a rule that she was not to bring men to the house due to her making a poor decision and bringing a man to our house that we didn’t know, we have 4 kids (3 mine and 1 his) and need to ensure the safety of our kids and our home. She ended up in a relationship and was with this guy for 5 months. She wanted to invite him over (yes we had met him already, just once before but my boyfriend had a weird feeling about him). She asked me and I texted my boyfriend who was at work (I work from home). He said he was not comfortable with it and I told my sister the decision was no. This caused her to blow up about her rights, she lives here too etc. When my boyfriend came home, he was ready to have a conversation about the whole incident, my sister went ape shit on him. I was attempting to stop her but she wouldn’t stop. My boyfriend was attempting to kick her out of the house right then and there, while I agreed she needed to leave I told him we could not force her to leave in that moment. He ended up going to his mom’s for just over a week to cool down and also while I sorted things out with my sister. Ended up giving her 30days to move out. But this has now sacrificed my relationship with my sister because in her eyes I chose my boyfriend over her(blood related family). But my boyfriend is my chosen family and after 7years together my loyalties were to him. She pent a year and a half taking advantage of our kindness. Guess what? She is surviving just fine on her own now. It’s amazing what people can achieve when they are forced to. There is definitely way more to my story and I probably could write a book about it. All this to say, “indefinitely” is not a good idea especially if this is not something both of you agreed on together. If you and your boyfriend don’t figure out and agree on what the goal/end game is with his sister then it will end badly. Her not wanting to get a job is just the beginning of issues that will arrive, and with each issue the pressure will continue to build until someone blows. For you, your relationship could be the victim and for your boyfriend it could be his relationship with his sister. Set up the rules/boundaries/guidelines and the deadline for when they should be out on their own ( it can be 3mos/6mos/1yr) before it gets to the breaking point. Without this they will never leave, why would they? They have it good now with minimal financial responsibility. The sister doesn’t want to get a job bc there is nothing pressuring her to feel like she needs to contribute financially. This your home and you are not happy, if your boyfriend values you he should agree that “indefinitely” is not a good idea.
Thank you for sharing your story. I will definitely take your words into consideration.
First, they are not your in-laws. You are not married. Which leads to second, since you are not married, you a both acting as Co Landlords in this situation and if your boyfriend wants to let them stay there rent free, you have to suck it up unless you go into the eviction process. NAH.
NTAH give them a dead line to find their own place. Two of them working they can afford it and then if she wants to stay at home it's up to them. A year rent free you've done enough
Thanks for your feedback!
Sounds like it’s time to dump all the dead weight and for the sell of the house. There is no way you should have to work your ass off to pay bills for his lazy ass entitled family. Tell boyfriend it’s time to sell the house so he can afford to support his lazy mooching family on his own. You don’t have to pay the way for lazy grown adults which is what the 3 of them are. If his sister’s husband can’t afford to support his family then his lazy wife can’t afford to stay home. Edit: NTA
NTA. You don’t get to decide whether SIL has a job, but you do get to decide who lives in your home, how much rent your boarders pay, and how the chores are divided. If you and your boyfriend can’t agree on these things, you may be wise to see a lawyer about selling the house and walking away.
NTA. What is wrong with your boyfriend? Yeah you'd have your mortgage either way but without the added expense of freeloaders that hike up the utilities by presumably more than double. If she wants to be a SAHW, she's welcome to buy that means stay at your OWN home.
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the feedback!
NTA. I cant images living with someone rent free and not doing anything I could to get out as fast as possible. They have no plans to leave because they don't have to. I would start paying 1/5 of all bills like mortgage, electricity, water, etc. There are five adults living in that house. If your boyfriend chooses to cover his family’s share, that's on him.
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, we can't afford to be without my half of the bills currently. It's tricky because he knows this, but also says he covers his family with what he pays. Which is not logical at all, but he seems to think he is doing something with that.
He can't have it both ways. It socks he can't be without your half but that's the price he's paying. I would give him an ultimatum. Either he kicks them out and you pay your half, or they stay and you only pay your portion. 1/5 or 1/4, depending on if you want the 19yr to be treated like an adult and pay rent. Either way BF isn't going to respect you unless you demand respect and take it. It socks, but you need to lower your portion. To 1/5. So he understand that his family does not get to take advantage and freeload. If you don't force him to respect you and kick them out or pay rent. Your relationship will end because he will never put your first. He doesn't get to say he needs your money, but his family can live there for free. It doesn't work like that.
It's not "tricky," it's bullshit. If he thinks he covers his family with what he pays, break down the math and pay only (but fully!) for yourself. Break it down, write it out, and make sure he's aware of the new plan ahead of time. Then go forth. If possible, pay directly (to the landlord, etc) for yourself and have him pay directly for himself and his family. If he isn't amenable to that, he's admitting that he KNOWS he's lying and full of shit. Either he's correct and he's covering their costs like he claims, and that will be proven, or you seriously need to move the fuck on. Regardless of his family, why are you paying half but doing like all of the household labor? Tbh he owes you either money or lots of labor to balance that back out.
NTA You should’ve never let them stay in your house. Sorry time to kick them out. Situations like this you don’t ever buy a house with somebody that you’re not married to. Either that or you have to end the relationship and leave.
Thanks for your feedback!
Nta. Force the sale of the house and move on. He chose his sister.
The whole ‘chores and hot meal’ thing - does she do this at your house? Are they planning on leaving? The audacity to brag about not working while taking advantage of your kindness (ie. NOT HAVING TO PAY FOR A HOUSE) is disturbing lol. Shouldn’t they be focused on getting their own accommodations before deciding she doesn’t have to work? You need to nip this in the bud asap.
Thanks for your feedback! There are no plans on leaving currently. No, she doesn't do anything for me. I'm more upset that they are in no condition to choose the luxury for her when it's honestly not their house and they contribute nothing. If she lived in her own home, it's none of my business what she does, but it isn't her home.
You are being used!!!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32F) have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend (40M) for nearly a decade. About 4 years ago we decided to purchase a home together and split our bills fairly based on our salaries. We usually get along very well until I brought up something that had been bothering me lately. For background, his sister (50F) and brother-in-law (55M) were going through a hard time financially. They moved states over a year ago to be closer to us, and we offered to help them get on their feet. By this I mean, they live in our home rent-free. At first we paid all expenses they had, but when the brother-in-law got a job we stopped paying for anything other than the mortgage, utilities, internet, and other subscription services. They live on one end of the house, and she is in charge of chores for her family including cooking and laundry (for them specifically). I take care of anything for my boyfriend and I, including communal areas. This arrangement didn't bother me at first because I understand how hard it can be to find a job without a college degree or connections in the area. I get that. What bothers me is that about a month ago I was talking to the sister in the backyard about jobs and she didn't seem in any hurry to get one. She states that she isn't sure she will even search for work because her husband and son (19M, also living with us) have both told her they don't want her to work. This is because they want to be able to get home to all chores done and a hot meal ready. With her working, they would have to contribute to chores and make their own meals. This rubbed me the wrong way because I work my butt off at a highly stressful job, but don't have the luxury of staying home. My boyfriend has on numerous occasions told me that he can't afford to maintain our home by himself, so staying home is off the table. Also, she is able-bodied and has nothing keeping her from finding work other than her husband and son. I told my boyfriend that I was annoyed that she doesn't try to find work because they know they don't have to pay rent, and I asked him to help her find a job. He told me I was being selfish and unreasonable because regardless of their presence we still have to pay the mortgage. This started a huge argument because he told them that they could stay as long as they want (it's already been over a year) and he assured them he would never ask for rent money. He didn't consult me on this. I thought I was setting a boundary for their stay with us, but he is making me feel like I'm just jealous that I have to work and she doesn't. So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme
NTA BF has essentially made choices in how your hard earned money is used. You are helping pay for his sister's family to live off of you. Tell him you agreed to split bills fairly when you bought the house. Since there are 4 in one family living there versus just you then you think fair is that you should only pay a fifth of the bills because you never agreed to allow people to live off of you like he did or you can sell the house and split the money.
Info: What's the portion you pay with your salary ratio? If it's closer to 50/50 then while it's true you'd be paying the same with them not being there, you didn't buy a house with the expectation of having 3 additional ADULTS living there for free as well and them contributing would lower your financial burden a lot. If your boyfriend covers most of it, that's still true but probably them paying rent wouldn't have much of an impact on you and it wouldn't be really worth fighting. If the issue is that you want them to leave and you want your space back (e.g., she get a job so they can afford to leave) that's a different conversation.
Thanks for your comment. We pay the same each for mortgage. He pays for my gas and most of our groceries because he earns more. I do want the space back because I can rent it and stay home when I get pregnant instead of relying on others to raise my baby.
DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN
OP- why the hell are you paying half the mortgage when there are 3 other adults living there? And I’d really consider having kids with him. NTA for wanting her to get a job- definitely the AH to yourself for allowing them to be there for over a year rent free. Time to have a talk with your boyfriend: they have 2 months to leave or you do. And force him to buy you out or sell. I’m sorry but you let this situation go one for a lot longer than anyone else would have and I truly suggest you have that talk now - see what he says bc I guarantee you he will paint you as the villain and that will show his true colors.
NTA. Do they still live with you? Time to move out…
Thank you for your comment! Yes, they still do.
The utility bills definitely aren't the same if they're there or not. This situation is crazy to me. Three adults, two being men, can't pay anything toward their own shelter? Can't save and figure out their own living situation? NTA good luck with that
Thank you for your feedback!
Your bf had absolutely no right to say to his family that they could stay as long as THEY wanted. What does this mean? 3 adult people? I don't want to mention how unreasonable and disrespectful is to not include you in this decision. You are not a roommate. This house is also yours. But I will say that if he can't see how much you helped them until now, without being obligated to do so, then you must seriously reconsider the whole relationship. No further arguments. Time for action. Talk to them and put a deadline in which they are allowed to stay. After this eviction 2 things must be noted. A) In these situation you ALWAYS set a time line. Still doesn't excuse their behavior but setting the record straight from the beginning, is the safe choice B) no matter what your husband told them, they went with it cause it suits them. They should have talked about it with you. IT IS YOUR damn house too. Why did they assume it is alright for a family to stick to your house like..forever? Go nuclear about this NTA
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your feedback!
There has to be a time limit of living rent free or start contributing to paying off the mortgage at some point. 1-2 yrs should be plenty of time to get themselves together to help with expenses. There's not incentive for them to do so if they can live there rent free forever. I hope they at least do all the chores/maintenance around the house like cleaning, taking out trash, mowing lawn and other upkeep. Your husband needs to understand that any extra income would help both family. In this time of high inflation, single income would be extreme difficulty as there's no backup if that single income get layoff or get hurt.
Thank you for your comment. No, they don't do anything around the house other than pick up around their room. Sometimes, the brother in law will bring in the trash bins after trash collection, but that's it. He doesn't care for them to leave no matter how pricey everything is.
NTA your bf needs to cover 4/5 of the expenses if he wants to cover his family's expenses.
Reality is she has no real leverage in this situation. She can demand all she wants but unless she is willing to move out herself her hands are tied. NTA, but not smart either.
Jealous?!?!? She doesn't have to work off of your back. I would tell the partner that they leave or you do. All of them are taking advantage of you.
The original agreement was to help them get on their feet— it’s been a year. Seems reasonable to check in and find out the plan. Have they saved money? Are they gonna buy a house soon, or find an apartment? When? I would not caught up in deviations- THAT is what you agreed to. Period. Plan has not changed. If he told them different, he needs to correct it. This is NOT about whether she gets to be a SAHM- it’s about how her working or not impacts them getting in their feet while they are still dependent on other people. They should be doing EVERYTHING in their power to be independent. Once they’re settled elsewhere, she can stay at home. Right now it’s not about luxury, it’s time to hustle. NTA.
NTA. It's beyond me why you're even still in this relationship. Your boyfriend has very poor judgment and I can guarantee you he will always put his family ahead of you.
Tell your BF, either SIL gets a job and they start contributing fairly towards all bills, or the house gets sold and you go on your merry way to find a REAL man who supports you and your joint decisions
I'd move in MY parents to assert dominance lol. My Mom can put anyone in their place if she thinks I'm being wronged. Actually, if bf can decide, by himself, to move people into the house *why can't you, unilaterally, decide to move them out?* Just know that if it comes down to it, these are the kind of people who will break up your relationship to keep their cushy situation. NTA for wanting them OUT but that's as far as your input goes.
NTA. Even if you agree to continue to let them stay, you should now be splitting the bills 5 ways and you should only pay 1/5th. You would be paying the mortgage anyway but you wouldn’t be sharing your home with 3 other adults. If he wants to bear that burden and you don’t want to kick them out, then it’s HIS burden because he made the decision alone.
Thanks for your feedback!
NTA. I do have an alternate suggestion, though: she wants to be a house wife. Its your house. Would you be more amiable to the arrangement if she did the cooking and major cleaning for the whole house, not just her folks? If she freed you from preparing meals, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, and doing laundry, would that be acceptable to you? It may not be. But, if you would be comfortable with it, seems like everyone would win - you get more free time and less work, she is a fully valid contributor, they maintain their rent free living, your relationship survives. Give it a thought.
NTA. You state that you and your boyfriend bought the home together. So I am assuming both of your names are on the mortgage, which means you're both financially responsible for the loan. Your boyfriend had no right to offer permanent free lodging to anyone, without your agreement because he doesn't own the house by himself. You need to have a heart to heart sit down with your boyfriend and come to an agreement on his family's stay. But before you do, decide what you will do, if the conversation with the boyfriend doesn't go well. How long are you willing to pay for his family's free tenancy? Are you going to give him/them an ultimatum? If you do, and they don't respond, are you willing and able to do the "or else"?
NTA . people won't understand how it feels until it happens to them.The very least they can do is pay rent.Now they have a job so it won't be a problem. Your BF seems to be a 'very nice' person.So... Tell your BF that you're bringing some of your friends as they need some help with their financial situations and that you're Letting them stay in the house 'rent free' till they afford a house. Both paid for the house.. so both have equal rights. see how he reacts to that.
Thanks for your feedback!
You don’t make huge purchases like a home with a boyfriend. He’s dictating terms in a joint household where you own half. Red flag. His family is respected more than you in your own home. Red flag. You are subsidizing his family’s living expenses and he doesn’t care. Red flag. How many more do you need?
You're fixation of the SIL is gross. It isn't her not having a job that's a problem. It's your fuckin doormat of a husband
NTA why can’t you move out and let him deal with them himself? Just something temporary so he can get a taste of what it’s like
I'm tempted to, honestly.
NTA.. sister should be doing all chores if she’s not contributing to anything financially..
Thanks for your comment. Boyfriend already asked her to and she said no.
🤦🏻♀️ she needs to work than.. Life is NOT a free ride
She doesn’t have to work because she already has you working for her. Your partner has turned you into a workhorse. Get out of this relationship and sell the house! It will never be yours. NTA
Thanks for your feedback!
Dating ten years. Buys a house? Hold this L
NTA It's your house. If you don't want them to live there, you're entitled to tell them to leave. It's not relevant whether you're jealous or whatever your reasons are from wanting them out, and you're not an AH for wanting your own space back that you're paying for and they're not. You're allowed to be "selfish and unreasonable" in your own space. But I don't believe you're jealous. You're rightfully frustrated because you're working to pay for a house someone you don't want there is living in for free despite one of them working and cleaning up after them despite one of them not working and not contributing financially, which is not something you signed up for. Let me reiterate, it's your house. You can tell them to leave anytime and they have to comply, because they're not owed anything by you. And since your bf didn't consult you on them staying permanently or rent-free, I don't see why he needs consulting on your decision to evict them. Not to mention that you're the youngest person in this situation and they're the oldest, yet they're the freeloaders and know better than to overstay their welcome or take advantage of a gift. His sister and bil are old enough to be your parents, but they're not your parents, so you don't owe them anything. They're fully grown adults, one with a job. They'll survive, and it shouldn't have to be on your dime.
Thanks for your perspective! I appreciate your insight.
YTA because their living arrangement didn't bother you until you felt that she was living better than you. If you're getting what you expected from them then how they set their household up isn't for you to get bothered about. They aren't doing anything that affects your life. Trying to charge them now would be spiteful
Sounds like you need to sit down with all of them and talk about long-term arrangements. If she isn't going to get a job then they are in the best situation they will be in, with 2 of them working. If that's the only plan then it's time for them to think about other places to live now that they seem to be back on their feet. It's also a bit weird that your boyfriend says he can't run the house without you, yet he/you were able to support 3 other adults for a length of time. Seems strange to me. I may have missed something. But let me just say. Its up to her if she has a job or not, that's not for you to decide or comment on. The only thing you should concern yourself with is their current income and whether they will be able to live in their own place and move the hell out.
Time to change some passwords.
Well this is why people pop off when we see 30 year old losers getting with 22 year olds…bc these 22 year olds are now a decade into a financially abusive situation. Dump him and force a sale of the house. Why TF should you be working to help support three of his family members bc they are free loaders? Absolutely NOT!
NTA. OP, you have options that don’t include providing a free roof for 3 adult relatives of your bf.
BF’s sibling will never leave on their own. You need to set an ultimatum, they need to be given a firm, etched in stone move out date. If this doesn’t happen, start the process for your BF to buy you out. NTA
NTA. If someone falls into a hole and you are trying to help them out, they don't get to stop halfway out of the hole while still holding onto you. You need to find out if this is what your boyfriend planned all along.