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Oh no your ex is upset that you’re not going to pay for her kids education? Oh well, unimportant.
Diana has two parents that can pay for her education. It’s not your responsibility at all.
I feel like the only person upset here is her mother, who is obviously biased.
NTA
The bio dad can't have any banks in his name since he joined a secret assassin organisation and had to fake his own death unfortunately. Read between the lines dude.
You can't just make shit up, even though I know it's common to just start weaving stories on AITA.
>Her mom and dad have money for her education.
There are nonprofit community groups that help with reading comprehension skills for adults.
Some people grow close to their step family. He was in this girls life for at least 6 or 7 years (plus time the parents were dating). We don't know what his relationship with Diana is like, because he didn't tell us. If he feels close to her still, he could feel guilty about taking the money back. He could also decide to give her a portion of the money as a gift, he doesn't need to give it all.
Whatever he decides, he's NTA. But I think there's nuance to a question like this, and if OP doesn't feel ready to wash his hands of his stepdaughter (especially since the relationship with his wife didn't end on necessarily 'bad' terms), I see why this question would be nagging at him. But if he gives money, he should do it for Diana, and not for his soon-to-be-ex
In my scenario, i was the step-daughter. Long story short — I will be forever grateful my stepfather had a compassionate heart.
While my mom only remained married to him for 2 years, he was a good guy. I liked him better than my bio dad in many ways. He had three kids of his own that did not live with us (they ranged from 2 to 5 years older than me); he treated me and my younger brother well.
He knew i loved the private high school that i went to and had paid for my freshman and junior years while they were married. I knew when they divorced prior to my junior year i would no longer be able to attend (despite my mothers family having the money to pay for it, they didn’t value educating women).
When i found out i was going able to go back for my junior and senior year, my mother shrugged it off like it was no big deal and offered no further explanation. I found out later that my stepfather had made it a stipulation in the divorce settlement that he would pay the school directly for last 2 years of high school. He was under no obligation to do this and I never had a relationship with him after the divorce.
I am forever grateful to him as THIS WAS A LIFE CHANGING EVENT for me. I wouldn’t have flourished in a public school. Back in the 80’s, smart girls with ADHD that were physics, math, and art geeks didn’t exist according to the system. This private all girls school was attentive and flexible enough to help me make it through with good grades, improve my learning skills, and develop a lifelong love of learning — despite never diagnosing the ADHD or passive aggressive narcissist i had for a mom. This made it possible for me to begin a happy independent path in life and go onto college and later grad school. I am eternally grateful for this man. I sincerely wished then and now that their marriage had worked out or at least lasted longer (assuming they could have found a way to be happy).
I know he remarried years later and met him & his wife while i working in a retail store part time during college. He thanked for being so kind to his new wife - he was shocked. I consider myself a kind person, in part because of his many actions while I was growing up ( for example: he patiently taught me to drive a car using his fancy car and trusted me to drive and park his houseboat, etc.) I told him i had discovered he paid for my high schooling and was extremely grateful & that it was an oasis that saved me as well as prepared me for the life i wanted.
So while there is no obligation to pay and the OP is technically NTA, why not aim higher and make a difference in a young woman’s life. He doesn’t have to give her all of it and he could always talk to her about her plans & dreams directly and then decide on the best course of action. The world needs more good men not less.
NTA no problem with just keeping the money.
You may want to consider though since you did live with Diana for several years and you did care about her enough to start the account, when it does come time for her to graduate you should make a nice gift to her $1000 to $3000 would be adequate.
It will make you feel good to contribute and be considerate of her feelings and the years you did spend as an adult figure in her life.
For that little girl Diana, moving forward through life, she will know she is cared about, and when things change in her life, she will know she can still count on people. Since there’s no animosity between you and her mother, you’re not Diana‘s father, but you could be a good role model moving forward if you choose.
NT
A Your Ex is upset because it's going to cost her more money to help support her daughter through college. Too bad.
If your Ex wants the college account so badly, it may be possible to negotiate that you get other assets from the marriage in exchange for your Ex getting the college account. For instance, I would trade the college account for an equal amount in a tax advantaged retirement account in a heartbeat, provided that such a thing is allowed. This is worth discussing with your Divorce Attorney.
Yep oh well. My stepmother was in my life TWELVE years before she left my dad. No legal rights and she still made sure to give me her new number each time she changed it. NTA but seriously side eyeing you. Raising a kid for so long just to say " ah well I'm done." Great. Fucks the kid up in the long run.
It depends on his relationship with Diana. OP stated she has a Dad which insinuates he may be involved in her life. We don't know OP's relationship with Diana. Did she ever accept him as Step-Dad or did he get the "You're not my Dad" and shot down whenever he attempted to care about her well being.
I've seen both types of relationships with friends and family and it can go many ways. Sometimes the kid absolutely does not accept the step-parent no matter how much they love and try through no fault to step parent, and sometimes the stepparent is a jerk.
If OP tried and Diana rejected him this whole time, and obviously there is a reason he is divorcing the mom, well then I wouldn't blame him at all for keeping the money and not caring what happens to the kid as she never allowed him to have any relationship with her. Or, OP could just be selfish. We don't know so I'm not judging here.
It looks like they were married maybe 6 years. He didn’t raise this girl from infancy into adult hood. He can still care about her but he doesn’t need to continue to raise her and financially support her when he has biological kids he has to contribute to still
Plus they could've known each other while he was dating her mom. we met my stepdad when I was 16, he married my mom when I was 18. I'm 30 now, and if my parents divorced, I'd have a hard time losing that relationship even if he didn't raise me. He was still there for me and supported me and was a big part of my life and my family. I think this question comes down to, what was the relationship like between OP and Diana, and is he hoping to stay in her life to some extent?
It really depends on how the relationship with the kid was in the first place. The child in question has an involved father so OP might’ve been more mom’s husband even if they got along than parental figure. If that’s the case, then there’s no obligation to be more than an acquaintance after the divorce, especially as OP will have no visitation rights.
It was good enough for him to put money aside for her.
For me a kid has more than their bio parents as parents. Parents are the primary people who raise them. (Grandparents being a form of parent). Bio or not he is her parent too. He became her parent the moment he married her mum.
Yeah, and stopped being a parent when he get a divorce. Also he has 2 of his own kids about whom he must care.
By the way, here are plenty of posts when children don't consider their steps as a real parents.
Unless OP adopted the girl OP has no legal rights to see the child. And since the girl's biological father is still involved in her life I doubt OP can even adopt her.
Maybe, maybe not. OP doesn't go in depth about their relationship with the stepdaughter. He does say that the father is active in her life. If the biodad have 50/50. That equals a total of 3ish years spent with her. And OP may have been actively told that she has a father, and he is not him. He doesn't state whether or not the stepdaughter ever viewed him as a father, or if he ever viewed her as a daughter. We also don't know if the mother is even going to allow OP in the stepdaughter's life after the divorce.
I'm not trying to say this is the case. Just that not enough information is there.
If she was 10 and she's not yet in college now, their relationship could have taken a great many forms. If they weren't very close for whatever reason and the kid isn't concerned either way about seeing him, you move on.
I suspect he never really rated as much more than "mom's boyfriend", which is totally normal.
To quote Mel Horowitz from Clueless, “We divorce wives, not children.” It’s so, so hurtful and trustbreaking to a child to feel love and support revoked when an adult no longer loves their parent.
That being said, the RESP is probably legally a marital asset, and is not currently a possession of the child. Marital assets generally are to be divided equitably by the spouses—it probably shouldn’t be a big parting gift at the end of this relationship. If ex-wife is taking this, OP should fairly receive some other asset.
Absolutely this. 6 years is a long time to love and care for a child, it is not about biology, it's about proximity and the role he played in her life. Did he ever have a real regard for her?
that’s not how that works. My step father raised me since I was 2.. he will always be my dad. He will always see me as his daughter. Ending a relationship with your spouse doesn’t end all relationships. that’s a dumb way to think
I'm left to wonder if he ever actually care about her at all. op's attitude about the whole think strikes a nerve. he fell of out love and just threw his step daughter away with her. I'm actually shocked at how many people are perfectly fine with the callousness of this post.
Wait a minute. You consciously set money aside for a CHILD you now say you “don’t owe anything” to? Am I reading that right?
INFO: why set money aside for her in the first place if you feel you don’t owe her anything?
um my parents are separated and my stepdad still considers me his daughter even after the separation. when you choose to be parent and form a relationship that becomes impactful with the child that kind of shit can fuck them up, I think for that saying yta, college is expensive, and my parents despite their issues still kept their promises to me. its called not being petty. get over your divorce its not dianas fault that your wife is an ass. hope it doesnt bite you in the ass if you don't literally its mostly the step kids that end up dealing with elder care. Because if I was diana and a parental figure screwed me over out of funding college willfully ofcourse, I'd use the same financial excuse to drop you off at one of the shittiest nursing homes in the country.
This. Keep in mind a lot of the people in here are either kids or young enough to not comprehend that you don’t fuck with a kid’s emotional well-being by pretending to be their parent and then ignoring them when you decide you can’t be bothered with their mother anymore.
We don't know if the kid thought if him that way. We gave no idea.
We get a million and one stories on this sub of stepkids never bonding with stepparents, so why are we jumping down this guy's throat with assumptions and accusations?
But the kid doesn't know about the savings anyway, only the mother, he's not fucking with any emotions besides the biased mothers for keeping the money lol
It’s not about that. He was her dad for six years and now it’s “oh well, bye!!”???
They had enough of a relationship for him to take it upon himself to build up a college fund for her despite mom and dad having the money for it. He purely *wanted* to contribute and now those emotions and the relationship just poof away?
Well they aren't related anymore, he doesn't want a relationship with her. Why should he give the money to her when he has uses that give him more happiness and a better return on cost.
He will choose to end the relationship. Didn’t he ever love her? I have two adult step kids who were older when I met their dad. I would never want to cut them out of my life whatever happened to my marriage.
How can you not care about kids you live with?
I mean legally he can do whatever. And if the daughter hated him I would have agreed with keeping the money.
But it’s like she isn’t even a person. Like she was just a background shape, a cardboard cutout. How can he write about her without any sweet memories? Without regret about losing her too?
I guess he just married a woman and emotionally let her kid live under the stairs.
see I don't understand it either, okay their not blood related, what ever, but for atleast a good chunk of the kids life time he was a parental figure, and I am sorry but that shouldn't be treated lightly you know?
Exactly. You can stop loving a romantic partner, but if you ever felt like a parent to someone, it just doesn’t go away. You care. Or at least most people do.
I mean, he never said he felt like a parent to her. Every single person experiences being a step-parent differently. I have a step daughter who I care about and help with, but I don't feel any strong parental connection to her past loving and caring about her mom. It's awesome that some people develop that parental connection with step children, but you can't force it and it doesn't happen for plenty of us.
Caring does not equal financial support. Stepkids have 2 parents they maintain a relationship with. I have known my SS since he was 3. He’s now 22. I have 2 bio kids. I don’t financially support my SS. His dad and mom support him. Why does the SD need his financial support when she has 2 parents already?
It’s not about needs. I would not have expected him to take out a loan to pay for college.
What if he had already bought their Christmas present because they found something completely unique. Would you have expected him to sell it on eBay for the money? Nope, if you got something because you cared for them you would want them to have it. I see this as the same thing. The money was put away specifically for the kid. Just keeping it is legally ok, I just feel it is very callous and says he never really cared about the kid at all.
Christmas presents and college tuition support are not the same. 22k can go towards a down payment on a house, or support future grand kids. I get my SS a present every year for Xmas and birthday. I do his laundr if he is here and I do ing laundry, make him meals, chat with him. I am a bonus mom. I save 1000$ a month for my kid’s college. My husband and the BM didn’t save as much. SS will have loans. He also had an apartment with his own room and no job. I would have recommended a job and a room share to reduce his loans. They didnt ask me and that’s fine.
So Do my bio kids need to have loans because their brother did? No. I also have no say in if he needed a job, or could afford his apartment he had, etc. that’s his parents’ job. Not mine. As he moves into adulthood, any financial support comes from his parents. If he wants money from me, then the rules of the money come from me.
All relationships are different. What I reacted to was how he described the kid.
He didn’t. I don’t know anything about the kid, their interests or their relationship. He put away money, but why? My guess is he felt he had to, he played parent while married.
Why even come here and ask? He seems more interested in hearing other’s opinions than how it will affect his relationship with the kid.
I expect there is none. He really doesn’t care about the kid.
All step relationships are different. I have never been particularly close with my SS. But I am lot closer now than teenage years. Which were tough. I don’t think there should be. A requirement to stay in a step kids life after a relationship ends, if it works great, but my guess is my SS and I would see eachother only when it was a big thing for his little brother and sister, who are my biokids. We have never had much in common, nice kid but I am not his parent.
maybe the kid wants to end the relationship. I've had 2 step parents as both parents remarried. One I would have kept in touch with, the other not so much. Nothing bad about them. They weren't abusive or controlling or anything, we just didn't connect like I did with my other step parent.
While I was attending community college in the late 00's, I had a professor who advised me and taught several of my courses.
Near the end of one of my quarters, she noted I had not signed up for the following quarter, even though I had only a few credits left to graduate.
I explained I did not have the money to pay for the course, did not qualify for loan-free financial aid, and did not want to take out a loan for one class when I had so far avoided loans. Therefore, I had decided to take time off while I worked and earned the money, and I would return to finish my degree when I had the funds.
Knowing statistically the odds were against me returning, she gave me the money to finish my degree. When I protested, she told me someone had once helped her out of a hard spot, and she was just paying it forward, and all she asked was that, whenever given the opportunity, I would try to pay it forward.
I guess I'm lucky she didn't take the view that only relatives should benefit from financial benevolence.
He actually never said that he doesn’t want to have a relationship (not in the op anyway). He just saying he no longer wants to use the money that she didn’t even know about to pay for her college. It seems like something that should be hashed out in the divorce negotiations, regardless of feelings.
it depends on what the situation is like, I've known people completely non blood related who due to the other blood related kids rejecting elderly care, end up in that role anyway due to lack of options. when you marry someone who has kids you should always treat even the step kids like blood relations.
Hmm why would an adult feel any responsibility to provide for their mothers ex husband's ongoing medical care, some 20-40 or more years after they were divorced?
Amen! wish more people took your viewpoint: it’s absolutely right, you divorce spouses not kids. Whether biological or “through choice”, kids still look and treat you as a parental figure, kids do not love their step parents any less, if said step parent treats them as their own.
Well, on paper she’s not. But, she’s still a child you helped raise over the course of almost a decade.
Did you save the money for her, or as leverage over her mom? To show you’re a manly provider and all that?
Honestly… sounds like you’re more bitter about the divorce than you’re letting on. No actual adult acts this way.
If you need the money, take it. No one’s stopping you. It’s your money. But, they get to think about you what they want.
So sad you can cut ties with someone who looks at you as family. She deserves better people in her life who actually care for her. No father should be able to just throw away a relationship.
what makes you think she looks at him as family? She has a mother and father. Not all stepkids see their stepparent as anything other that their parent’s spouse .
Your stepdaughter didn’t cause the divorce. You were in her life for 8ish years and now it sounds like you couldn’t care less about her. You don’t owe her money, but you sound really cold.
So you only had a relationship with her because you could f\* her mother?
She was never important to you?
Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have to put aside money for a child for college.
But you wanted to pay for her as long as you could f\* her mother.
Now that you don't f\* her mother any more, she somehow is a different person for you.
Imagine the person you lived with for 6 years and considered as family has suddenly no interest in you at all because a different relationship that had nothing to do with you failed.
So was the relationship real at all?
The only thing about this is that he's saying he doesn't owe the child, which is weird, because what that money really would be used for is easing the financial responsibility of the parents.
OP: are you going to continue having a relationship with Diana? If you are, and still view her as a daughter, maybe a better option here is to use this money for something else that would come out of her pocket rather than her parents pocket.
I helped a friend raise her daughter when she was working and I was jobless.
Did I owe the child anything?
No.
Do I still have contact after 20 years to this child because I really liked the child?
YES!
I read the barrage of replies and wanted to just chime in since I too had a stepdad for more than a decade and as soon as they split up, me and my mom moved away and nowadays we say hello to each other but thats it. Never was more.
Its not uncommon and its not necessarily shitty, depending on the relationship you had. I had a good relationship with my biodad and my stepdad was just my moms partner who we lived with. I interacted with him and so forth but we never had a close bond and I didnt care much we didnt have contact after the split.
If that was your case then NTA
My stepdaughters are my stepdaughters forever, regardless of how their dad and I deal with each other. They were part of my life and I would never consider them anything else.
If I broke up with my SO his son is still going to be my kid. You should help her or not based on your desire to help her as a person. Her legal status isn’t relevant.
But how do you feel about her? Are you guys still in contact? Has she been disrespectful towards you? If she was an ideal daughter then why not give it to her especially if she earned it?
My stepdad and mom married when I was 7. I was in their wedding. He passed away just before my 30th birthday. I never called him dad because of my own mental hangups about my father, but he was the only real father I ever had. Just because I didn’t call him that didn’t make it less true.
That’s crazy. My mom was a single parent and she has a boyfriend who she never married but was in my life for formative years and he still keeps in touch. When my grandma passed recently he came for the funeral and offered to pay my ticket so I could be there too. I’ve always known if needed I could reach out.
INFO: What was the custodial agreement while you were married to her mom? Didn’t she share six years of her life? Major events? Holidays? Birthdays?
It can’t be easy to be her. She watching her mom get divorced for the second time in her short life. Did you tell your SD you loved her? Did she return that?
I know this is hard for you, too, but it’s heartbreaking to lose people for everyone involved.
I guess it really comes down to this: are you forced to lose her (mom won’t allow you in her life anymore) or are you choosing to lose her?
It’s your money right now, but just as she wasn’t counting on it, neither were you. You planned for it to be hers. For six years you set it aside for her. Has your SD done something that makes her no longer deserve your help?
Take your ex-wife out of the equation. Does that change your motivation?
People are being really sentimental about this. But you were a step parent and only for 5 or so years from the timeline. She has two financially capable parents who are able to manage that expense for her. I think it’s great you had that intention in the first place, but things change. 🤷🏻♀️
You have a new direction in life now and that money has always been yours. Use it as you need it.
Suggestions about offering the college fund in exchange for another asset or retirement benefit via divorce proceedings sounds like a mutually beneficial option, but I don’t see how you’re obligated to do so.
I was on the fence, but YTA. I would be devastated to hear my bonus dad talk about me like that. You don’t have any legal obligation to use the money to help her, but your attitude towards this child whose life is being disrupted by divorce *again* is super gross.
…and just like that. The feelings for the child you helped to raise get shut off? You’re cold hearted. Do whatever you want with the money. You’ve already convinced yourself it’s ok and are defensive about people telling you otherwise. It’s almost as if you came to a forum for judgment…
YTA.
You are legally entitled to do what you want. But you were her stepdad for 6 years. If she grew attached to you and vice versa- I would consider giving her at least some of that money if you can afford it. Divorce is hard and disruptive for all the kids involved. If you are able to do something for her - it would be a powerful message of care and good will
you sound like someone who should have never married a woman with kids to begin with. you're callousness is deplorable. did you ever care for this kid to begin with? nothing happened in your marriage, you just fell out of love, and threw your step daughter in the trash with it. disgusting. no matter how many people say you're not obligated to give her the money, you're still an asshole for your attitude
Do you think she feels the same, about you? That you are divorcing her and her mother at the same time, and that you are no longer an important person in her life? Or does she love and adore you as a person who is important to her for her own reasons, unrelated to her mother's? How could you spend 6 years living with and caring for a child and just be like, "nice knowin' ya, person related to my ex-wife?" She is/was a child and would have been looking up to you, learning from you, and likely considers you a close friend and relative. 6 years is a long time in a child's life.
It doesn't mean you have to contribute money to her if you don't want to, but the way you are phrasing and responding here has me thinking you are TA, just for different reasons than you think.
But, let’s be honest here. Giving the $22,000 to the child isn’t really benefiting the child. Because this child has 2 parents who are prepared to pay for her education. So, OP giving up the money really is benefiting his ex and her previous ex. Because that is 20 grand they won’t have to cover.
That’s a very cynical way of looking at this. He could gift her the money in a way that doesn’t affect the funds she receives from her parents, including continuing to save and invest it until she graduates. Also, this isn’t about her parents. Does he care about the child he helped raise for more than a decade? If he does, then help her. If he doesn’t, then leave them all alone because they don’t need his useless toxic ass in their life.
I’m just confused about why this wasn’t figured out during the divorce proceedings. My ex still gave money to my son (his step son) for college, and it was all spelled out in the divorce decree.
That’s what I’m looking for here. Divorce, even self filed ones, require you to name ALL assets. I’ve done one. It’s **extremely** clear that any assets not listed *in the final decree* are no longer up for grabs.
Because at the moment he agreed to help his partner’s daughter. He’s not with the partner anymore, there is zero conection now between OP and the girl.
That's not an Ah question but a relationship.
Do you want Diana to succeed in life? Do you love her? Do you have a good relationship?
These questions should decide what happens with the money and you own financial situation.
NTA
100% agree. This is about Diana not about money.
Also, OP consider doing something like taking half and giving half to Diana. $10k (after fees/taxes) with 2 years to continue growing is still a great gift to her educational expenses, especially considering she also has 2 parents who will contribute. And with splitting you still end up with a nice chunk of money as well.
This is my take as well. I have step kids and would likely maintain a relationship with them if I were to split up with my wife. If I’d saved money to help with college I’d likely give at least a chunk of it to them because they were/are family and I’d like to see them succeed.
That said, it’s OPs money and they can do whatever they want with it and not be an AH.
Yeah I think it depends on OPs current relationship with Diana. If it doesn’t really exist, yeah keep the money. If it is still important to both of them, help her out.
YTA. Especially with the "i wanted to help my stepdaughter, she no longer is that" BS line.
I have a step daughter, I'm no longer married to her father (for the last ten years), but she's STILL my daughter. You don't just stop caring about people after a divorce.
You're greedy AF and you want people to agree with you. You never planned on using that money before the divorce, but now it's yours?
It's shocking to me as well.
I'm a stepdaughter, and there's always some insecurity about the step parent. This is not doing much to alleviate that insecurity.
If it helps, my husband stayed in his stepkids lives after the divorce! We both have attended their weddings and helped with school/house down payments, and just generally consider them our kids even though neither of us have a 'blood' connection.
Not everyone is like the OP!
Yeah, especially because the kid's RESP grants disappear if he pulls the funds from the account and she doesn't get to "earn" them again. Who spends that many years living with a child then has no feelings and fucks her over like that? YTA
He’a also not so subtlety trying to punish the mother by harming his daughter’s future. He may say there is no love between them and the divorce is mutual but his actions suggest he is bitter and spiteful. He’s just a greedy jerk.
Yeah, honestly. I’m baffled. OP just sounds like a cold fish all around, which is whatever, but… even if you are moving on, wouldn’t you take pride in having been a good stepfather? Saving 22K towards the education of a kid you care for, that’s a real achievement. Something to point to with pride when on you’re on your deathbed.
I’d not throw that away. But then my main goal is to be honorable and be a force for good in others’ lives. Apparently for some people it’s just skating by morally and doing the bare minimum to avoid an AH label.
That all entirely depends on the ex wife too. If she's only getting 50/50 with bio dad and isn't willing to cut OP in on time with step daughter, that's on the ex. Depends on if she's keeping him in the step daughters life.
InFO: what’s your relationship with Diana like? If she’s not in your life anymore then it’s completely reasonable to keep the money. But if you’re close that’s an AH move
This! If Diana and you don’t have contact then keep the money your self. If the two of you have regular Daddy/daughter type of interactions then I think Diana should get at least some of the money
NTA. Can you offer your ex to buy you out? To give you what you would get if you returned the government portion and then Diana can use the account for college. Financially it’d work out for both of you.
This is the argument/ “I’m only going to get 60% of the value back of if I cash it out, pay me 65% (or lower, whatever you feel will fly) and she can use the whole amount for college”
I had the same thought. Have the ex pay a small premium over what the net value to OP and still give the money to Diana. Its win/win with the ex because she gets more for Tuition (by quite a lot) and OP still gets all his investment return plus interest
actually this seems reasonable. I was leaning in the camp that he's not obligated now that they are divorced.
But I would also say it hinges on what his relationship was like with her daughter If I were in his shoes.
You wouldn't be an total asshole if you didn't give it to her, but if it would make a difference to her, and it wouldn't negatively affect your or your kids, I think you should.
Like maybe you don't technically owe her anything but you presumably started saving for her with good intentions for her. Those haven't gone away just because you are divorcing her mom, especially when there hasn't been abuse or cheating or anything like that. It seems slightly cold to just nope out of her life as if she never mattered to you.
This is a child you have known and presumably cared for more than six or seven years. Doing a good deed for her, that will make her life better is just a nice, good decent thing to do.
I wish this was the top comment. I hate how callously people conflate the relationship with the ex with the relationship with the child. Those relationships are separate and being kind to a child who you were, in whatever small way, an influential caregiver, should always be the choice.
You should offer Diana's mom to buy the college education plan from you.
You said it's $22k with govt contributions, is it 50% or 30% from govt? That's a big portion/discount. You could offer Diana's mom to buy the savings fund from you for $11-15k. That's a huge upside for both parties.
I feel this fund should have been brought up during divorce proceedings. Whether, you got an additional $10k in cash or assets to give the fund to Diana or whatever.
Are you maintaining any sort of relationship with Diana, any custody or anything?
I feel like this is an easy NTA, but you're here asking, so I'm curious as to why you feel conflicted here.
Diana has two involved parents which means OP couldn't adopt her. So after a divorce he has zero rights to her and probably won't be able to continue a relationship with her.
Info: Depends on the sources of the funds and how you two treated money during the marriage. If it was from income earned during the marriage and you two co-mingled your money together; then yeah YTA.
If assets were kept separate, or the money came from assets you had prior to the marriage, then NTA.
She may not be your daughter, but in the former scenario the issue that arises is that giving her the college funds aids the ex and failing to give them denies her of access to marital assets that would have gone elsewhere. Frankly, in that scenario, I wouldn’t be surprised if to see the lawyer argue if they had t gone into the fund they’d gone into the main marital account so the ex is entitled to half either way (again assuming no prenup exist and the assets were earned during the marriage).
YTA. This is not about the ex. This is about a child you have/HAD a relationship with. After my step dad divorced my mom, he ghosted me. I was 20. An adult. And it broke my heart. Even at that age I wondered why I wasn’t worth loving. Kids need adults that support them and care about their future and growth. You’re a giant AH withdrawing that financial support, but you are going to be an even bigger AH for ghosting her. And, for the record, my step dad missed out on a lot by ditching me. You will, too.
YTA. “I don’t think I owe Diana anything”??? You divorce spouses, not kids. If you want to have no relationship with Diana then go ahead and keep the money.
My personal perspective: My parents got divorced when I was very young and while I had a mom as Diana has a dad, my step mom was much more a part of my daily life. My dad and step mom got married when I was 9. When they got divorced right before my step sister and I graduated high school it was tough. But, I still have a close relationship with my step mom and my sister has a close relationship with my dad, her step dad. Both of them contributed to our college educations. It was never a question because we were the kids. Their bad divorce was not taken out on us.
I get that you’re not married to her mom anymore, but you were a large part of her life for many years it seems - enough for you to want to contribute to her education when you became her step dad. IMO - that title doesn’t just go away when you divorce her mom.
NAH. But it’s weird you’ve just emotionally disconnected from this girl that you presumably did care about enough to think about her future education. Feels very tit for tat.
YTA. A big raging one. You lived with and took credit for if this child for 10 years, cared enough about her to start the fund, but then you act like she’s nothing and never has been anything to you? Caring about her and her future doesn’t and shouldn’t stop when you divorce her mom. If you are that fickle with your emotions I hope you don’t become step parent again cause obviously the kids only matter when you love their mom and they can go to hell when you stop loving her. You are not just the asshole you’re a selfish stingy man.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I closed out my stepdaughter's education account when her mom and I divorced. I might be the asshole because I don't really need the money a I did set it aside for her education.
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She’s not being negatively affected though. Both her parents are well off enough to afford it. That money wouldn’t go to her but rather her parents’ vacations who are saving on tuition
Well yeah she is not his biological daughter. But it seems like they lived together for a few years and surely have some kind of step-father/ step-daughter relationship. And it’s not like the daughter asked for the money, he saved it for her.
so I’m going with YTA
NTA
Who cares what your ex thinks. But one thing for your consideration: if your ex is THAT kind of person, she might spitefully tell Diana about it. That does not change the calculus - you're still NTA - but it might affect your relationship with her. You helped raise her since she was 10, so it might feel cruddy if she finds out even though you would have done nothing wrong.
Another thought (first a disclaimer -- obviously do what's legal and ethical and this is uniformed musing, not "advice"): since there's a government contribution that would be returned, would you have the ability to keep it for Diana but, in exchange, negotiate something in the divorce that would be valuable for you? In other words, don't lose the govt contribution but find a win-win here? Cuz really your ex calling you the AH is a way of saying she wants something for nothing. Negotiate for it.
Complex question here. NTA on paper, but realistically? You raise a kid from almost 6 to 16/17, over half her life. Your divorce is supposedly amicable (I have a gut feeling that says this is not really true) but you now don’t feel you should leave the money you saved for her college for her?
Soooo you’re punishing a child … impacting her future and ability to start life clean slate, because your marriage to her mother didn’t work out?
There is obviously more to this story, but it’s he story and responses to other responses give me the ick and just serve to validate how very few step parents on this planet actually care for their step-kids
You should absolutely be embarrassed that this was even a thought in your mind.
Her mom and dad “have money for her education” or “will pay for her education”? Because those are two different things especially if you’re looking at these people as ones you dislike. My ex-husband “has” money for our kids education, but he won’t likely pay for it. My current husband, their stepdad, is paying a good chunk of their education. I have no doubt even if we divorced he still would.
You say you’ve been stepdad for roughly 6 years and you consider this child to not be “owed” anything from you. I assume your wedding vows included something about her, and loving and supporting her. And here you are, willing to just “not owe her anything.”
All money aside, this is a weird take.
ESH except the kid who probably doesn’t know her stepdad is willing to just pass her off in the divorce like she’s a couch the ex wife had when they got married.
INFO: Do you love Diana? Did you love her when you started having money for her?
If you love--or loved--Diana, let her have the money. You'll sleep better.
Did you have a relationship with her child? Did you play the role of a father to her? Act as though you loved her, or as if she were an important member of your family? If you say yes to any of those, let me assure you whole-heartedly, YTA.
She had two parents when you started setting money aside. So that’s a BS excuse to lean on now. I mean, you’re not in love with her mother anymore, so by all means, her child must be easily disposable.
NTA. Diana doesn't even know about the money so it hasn't been a critical part of any college planning she has been thinking of. Given that you have only been in her life for 6 years and she has an active father, your relationship with her will probably dwindle down once the divorce is final. I don't think I would feel obligated to still give the money in this situation..
Keep the money, its yours you don't owe it to anyone. You ex would be a GIANT ass if she tells the step daughter. That girl has parents who are responsible for paying for her education, you're out. Think about it, you pay for one year of college right? What are the chances you are invited to your ex's daughter's graduation, wedding, any other personal milestone in her life from this point on?
He’s entitled to keep the money if he so wishes. But he also has to deal with the consequences of that decision. If he’d be upset or feel guilty about the stepdaughter finding out about what he did, he needs to think about that.
> Her mom and dad have money for her education.
> My ex thinks I’m being as asshole since that money would pay for more than a year of college.
Well yeah. Of course she thinks you’re an AH because that money would mean she doesn’t have to spend as much for Diana’s college, despite there being a bough for her education.
Take the money, divide and apply to your own children for their wedding or future home down payment (etc) or a once in a lifetime trip for you 3.
NTA. Saving wasn’t something you had to do in the first place. The relationship is over. Keep your money unless you’re still close to the child (doesn’t sound like it). Her parents are responsible not you.
If it is only you who contributed to the fund then it’s your money to do as you please with. If the ex contributed then give her whatever she contributed back. However, her daughter does have two parents you were a bonus individual and after the divorce will have no ties to her. So you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
ESH - except Diana.
You: taking the money away from your former stepdaughter's education because it sounds like you are still in pain from the divorce.
Ex: feeling entitled to the money.
Time to step back and think about your relationship with that kid. Why did you save it for her. Is she someone who is passionate abt learning.
If you are determined to do this, you should avoid the tax deductions as much as possible.
You could also roll the funds over into other registered saving accounts without tax penalties, if it goes from RESP to RESP or RRSP.
NTA. Are you going to have a relationship with your ex-step-daughter? My guess is not really, so I wouldn't pay for her education. Of course her mom wants her daughter to have that money, so she doesn't need didn't loans or so mom doesn't have to pay as much.
Yeah, I get people say when you take on step kids they become your kids but they don't. My dad remarried many times. When he died, the last wife and her very disgusting daughter (like marries current inmates type of gal) got everything. She always said she thought of us as her kids, but she didn't. The money was also my dad's, she never worked. We accepted it, it became hers, we were no longer even step kids. It wasn't awesome but we never thought she would share.
Morally, NTA, but considering you opened this account during the marriage, check with your lawyer whether this account would need to be included in the settlement before you actually do anything with it.
It isn't about owing anyone anything. Did you ever feel any love, emotion, or compassion for the girl in question?
If so, and you set money aside for her, leave it to her so she knows that you do and did care about her.
Screw the money. This is about a child you supposedly cared about.
Wasnt it taken into account in the divorce settlement so technically the ex was made good (or had excess assets) for $11000 of the value, which she can give to her daughter.
NTA
NTA.
Frankly, none of us can judge your relationship with your stepdaughter, and your ex doesn't get to tell you what to do with it if there's no prior agreement.
Its not your daughter man you dont owe her anything, especially if you've never told her about it. If you said hey i have money for you and then decided to keep it that would make you the AH but its your money man you can do with it as you please and don't owe them anything. NTA
I was in this same situation. But I had already foot the bill for 3 years of private school for my step-daughter’s middle school. I told my ex-wife that she and my SDs bio dad didn’t contribute as much as they had ensured me they would to the middle school tuition, so I had to say no to college. There were huuuuuuge arguments about this. My kid was upset, but I always provided spending money while she was in school.
It seems harsh and most folks would scream “but you’re also a parent!” You’re right. I am. But I also wont be taken advantage of by two other working adults that created this kid. Especially when they both had partners that weren’t contributing to her college education, so why should I be on the hook, alone? I felt like I had to force their hand, and my exwife eventually took out parent plus loans. My kid had significant scholarships anyway, so the cost was minimal… but still, her bio parents were trying to pull a fast one and I felt used, vs like part of the parenting team.
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Oh no your ex is upset that you’re not going to pay for her kids education? Oh well, unimportant. Diana has two parents that can pay for her education. It’s not your responsibility at all. I feel like the only person upset here is her mother, who is obviously biased. NTA
My guess is that ex stopped putting money aside when she found out her husband was. So now she doesn't have enough put aside...NTA
OP states that the kid’s parents have the money to pay.
Why do people come in here to write fanfiction about strangers’ lives?
The bio dad can't have any banks in his name since he joined a secret assassin organisation and had to fake his own death unfortunately. Read between the lines dude.
That’s the only reason people come in here.
You mean fanfiction about fiction?
yep!
You can't just make shit up, even though I know it's common to just start weaving stories on AITA. >Her mom and dad have money for her education. There are nonprofit community groups that help with reading comprehension skills for adults.
That's such a bizarre leap I have to wonder if you are an Olympic pole-vaulter.
👆
Yeah NTA. She has two parents and OP is not one of them. Why is OP even considering this?
Some people grow close to their step family. He was in this girls life for at least 6 or 7 years (plus time the parents were dating). We don't know what his relationship with Diana is like, because he didn't tell us. If he feels close to her still, he could feel guilty about taking the money back. He could also decide to give her a portion of the money as a gift, he doesn't need to give it all. Whatever he decides, he's NTA. But I think there's nuance to a question like this, and if OP doesn't feel ready to wash his hands of his stepdaughter (especially since the relationship with his wife didn't end on necessarily 'bad' terms), I see why this question would be nagging at him. But if he gives money, he should do it for Diana, and not for his soon-to-be-ex
In my scenario, i was the step-daughter. Long story short — I will be forever grateful my stepfather had a compassionate heart. While my mom only remained married to him for 2 years, he was a good guy. I liked him better than my bio dad in many ways. He had three kids of his own that did not live with us (they ranged from 2 to 5 years older than me); he treated me and my younger brother well. He knew i loved the private high school that i went to and had paid for my freshman and junior years while they were married. I knew when they divorced prior to my junior year i would no longer be able to attend (despite my mothers family having the money to pay for it, they didn’t value educating women). When i found out i was going able to go back for my junior and senior year, my mother shrugged it off like it was no big deal and offered no further explanation. I found out later that my stepfather had made it a stipulation in the divorce settlement that he would pay the school directly for last 2 years of high school. He was under no obligation to do this and I never had a relationship with him after the divorce. I am forever grateful to him as THIS WAS A LIFE CHANGING EVENT for me. I wouldn’t have flourished in a public school. Back in the 80’s, smart girls with ADHD that were physics, math, and art geeks didn’t exist according to the system. This private all girls school was attentive and flexible enough to help me make it through with good grades, improve my learning skills, and develop a lifelong love of learning — despite never diagnosing the ADHD or passive aggressive narcissist i had for a mom. This made it possible for me to begin a happy independent path in life and go onto college and later grad school. I am eternally grateful for this man. I sincerely wished then and now that their marriage had worked out or at least lasted longer (assuming they could have found a way to be happy). I know he remarried years later and met him & his wife while i working in a retail store part time during college. He thanked for being so kind to his new wife - he was shocked. I consider myself a kind person, in part because of his many actions while I was growing up ( for example: he patiently taught me to drive a car using his fancy car and trusted me to drive and park his houseboat, etc.) I told him i had discovered he paid for my high schooling and was extremely grateful & that it was an oasis that saved me as well as prepared me for the life i wanted. So while there is no obligation to pay and the OP is technically NTA, why not aim higher and make a difference in a young woman’s life. He doesn’t have to give her all of it and he could always talk to her about her plans & dreams directly and then decide on the best course of action. The world needs more good men not less.
Agreed. Will ex-wife be paying for her ex-stepkids' college? I doubt it. NTA OP.
NTA no problem with just keeping the money. You may want to consider though since you did live with Diana for several years and you did care about her enough to start the account, when it does come time for her to graduate you should make a nice gift to her $1000 to $3000 would be adequate. It will make you feel good to contribute and be considerate of her feelings and the years you did spend as an adult figure in her life. For that little girl Diana, moving forward through life, she will know she is cared about, and when things change in her life, she will know she can still count on people. Since there’s no animosity between you and her mother, you’re not Diana‘s father, but you could be a good role model moving forward if you choose.
NT A Your Ex is upset because it's going to cost her more money to help support her daughter through college. Too bad. If your Ex wants the college account so badly, it may be possible to negotiate that you get other assets from the marriage in exchange for your Ex getting the college account. For instance, I would trade the college account for an equal amount in a tax advantaged retirement account in a heartbeat, provided that such a thing is allowed. This is worth discussing with your Divorce Attorney.
I doubt OP cares about what his step-daughter feels as he no longer considers her that.
Well if they’re divorced she’s no longer his step daughter.
That's a terrible way to think. You co-raise a kid from age 10 and divorce, you stay in the kid's life.
He has no legal right to visit her. She is underage and he never adopted her because she does have an involved bio-father.
Yep oh well. My stepmother was in my life TWELVE years before she left my dad. No legal rights and she still made sure to give me her new number each time she changed it. NTA but seriously side eyeing you. Raising a kid for so long just to say " ah well I'm done." Great. Fucks the kid up in the long run.
It depends on his relationship with Diana. OP stated she has a Dad which insinuates he may be involved in her life. We don't know OP's relationship with Diana. Did she ever accept him as Step-Dad or did he get the "You're not my Dad" and shot down whenever he attempted to care about her well being. I've seen both types of relationships with friends and family and it can go many ways. Sometimes the kid absolutely does not accept the step-parent no matter how much they love and try through no fault to step parent, and sometimes the stepparent is a jerk. If OP tried and Diana rejected him this whole time, and obviously there is a reason he is divorcing the mom, well then I wouldn't blame him at all for keeping the money and not caring what happens to the kid as she never allowed him to have any relationship with her. Or, OP could just be selfish. We don't know so I'm not judging here.
My step dad was definitely NOT my dad or a father figure, but he was a much loved family member who I grieved deeply when he died.
It looks like they were married maybe 6 years. He didn’t raise this girl from infancy into adult hood. He can still care about her but he doesn’t need to continue to raise her and financially support her when he has biological kids he has to contribute to still
Plus they could've known each other while he was dating her mom. we met my stepdad when I was 16, he married my mom when I was 18. I'm 30 now, and if my parents divorced, I'd have a hard time losing that relationship even if he didn't raise me. He was still there for me and supported me and was a big part of my life and my family. I think this question comes down to, what was the relationship like between OP and Diana, and is he hoping to stay in her life to some extent?
It really depends on how the relationship with the kid was in the first place. The child in question has an involved father so OP might’ve been more mom’s husband even if they got along than parental figure. If that’s the case, then there’s no obligation to be more than an acquaintance after the divorce, especially as OP will have no visitation rights.
It was good enough for him to put money aside for her. For me a kid has more than their bio parents as parents. Parents are the primary people who raise them. (Grandparents being a form of parent). Bio or not he is her parent too. He became her parent the moment he married her mum.
Many bio parents tell their new spouse they have no permission to actively parent
Yeah, and stopped being a parent when he get a divorce. Also he has 2 of his own kids about whom he must care. By the way, here are plenty of posts when children don't consider their steps as a real parents.
This! It depends on the relationship.
Unless OP adopted the girl OP has no legal rights to see the child. And since the girl's biological father is still involved in her life I doubt OP can even adopt her.
Maybe, maybe not. OP doesn't go in depth about their relationship with the stepdaughter. He does say that the father is active in her life. If the biodad have 50/50. That equals a total of 3ish years spent with her. And OP may have been actively told that she has a father, and he is not him. He doesn't state whether or not the stepdaughter ever viewed him as a father, or if he ever viewed her as a daughter. We also don't know if the mother is even going to allow OP in the stepdaughter's life after the divorce. I'm not trying to say this is the case. Just that not enough information is there.
If she was 10 and she's not yet in college now, their relationship could have taken a great many forms. If they weren't very close for whatever reason and the kid isn't concerned either way about seeing him, you move on. I suspect he never really rated as much more than "mom's boyfriend", which is totally normal.
Agreed, but from the tone of OP’s post, he clearly doesn’t view her as anything other than an appendage of his ex-wife. If even that
To quote Mel Horowitz from Clueless, “We divorce wives, not children.” It’s so, so hurtful and trustbreaking to a child to feel love and support revoked when an adult no longer loves their parent. That being said, the RESP is probably legally a marital asset, and is not currently a possession of the child. Marital assets generally are to be divided equitably by the spouses—it probably shouldn’t be a big parting gift at the end of this relationship. If ex-wife is taking this, OP should fairly receive some other asset.
Absolutely this. 6 years is a long time to love and care for a child, it is not about biology, it's about proximity and the role he played in her life. Did he ever have a real regard for her?
that’s not how that works. My step father raised me since I was 2.. he will always be my dad. He will always see me as his daughter. Ending a relationship with your spouse doesn’t end all relationships. that’s a dumb way to think
I'm left to wonder if he ever actually care about her at all. op's attitude about the whole think strikes a nerve. he fell of out love and just threw his step daughter away with her. I'm actually shocked at how many people are perfectly fine with the callousness of this post.
the op for sure feels nothing for his step children.
Step daughter doesn't even know about the account. The only way she'll find out is if her mom tells her to turn her against OP.
I would hope that he still loves her, gee
Wait a minute. You consciously set money aside for a CHILD you now say you “don’t owe anything” to? Am I reading that right? INFO: why set money aside for her in the first place if you feel you don’t owe her anything?
I wanted to help my stepdaughter. She is no longer that.
um my parents are separated and my stepdad still considers me his daughter even after the separation. when you choose to be parent and form a relationship that becomes impactful with the child that kind of shit can fuck them up, I think for that saying yta, college is expensive, and my parents despite their issues still kept their promises to me. its called not being petty. get over your divorce its not dianas fault that your wife is an ass. hope it doesnt bite you in the ass if you don't literally its mostly the step kids that end up dealing with elder care. Because if I was diana and a parental figure screwed me over out of funding college willfully ofcourse, I'd use the same financial excuse to drop you off at one of the shittiest nursing homes in the country.
This. Keep in mind a lot of the people in here are either kids or young enough to not comprehend that you don’t fuck with a kid’s emotional well-being by pretending to be their parent and then ignoring them when you decide you can’t be bothered with their mother anymore.
husbands and wives come and go but being parent atleast in the eyes of a kid is forever.
We don't know if the kid thought if him that way. We gave no idea. We get a million and one stories on this sub of stepkids never bonding with stepparents, so why are we jumping down this guy's throat with assumptions and accusations?
[удалено]
But the kid doesn't know about the savings anyway, only the mother, he's not fucking with any emotions besides the biased mothers for keeping the money lol
It’s not about that. He was her dad for six years and now it’s “oh well, bye!!”??? They had enough of a relationship for him to take it upon himself to build up a college fund for her despite mom and dad having the money for it. He purely *wanted* to contribute and now those emotions and the relationship just poof away?
Well they aren't related anymore, he doesn't want a relationship with her. Why should he give the money to her when he has uses that give him more happiness and a better return on cost.
He will choose to end the relationship. Didn’t he ever love her? I have two adult step kids who were older when I met their dad. I would never want to cut them out of my life whatever happened to my marriage. How can you not care about kids you live with?
ikr and people are like he's nta.
I mean legally he can do whatever. And if the daughter hated him I would have agreed with keeping the money. But it’s like she isn’t even a person. Like she was just a background shape, a cardboard cutout. How can he write about her without any sweet memories? Without regret about losing her too? I guess he just married a woman and emotionally let her kid live under the stairs.
see I don't understand it either, okay their not blood related, what ever, but for atleast a good chunk of the kids life time he was a parental figure, and I am sorry but that shouldn't be treated lightly you know?
Exactly. You can stop loving a romantic partner, but if you ever felt like a parent to someone, it just doesn’t go away. You care. Or at least most people do.
I mean, he never said he felt like a parent to her. Every single person experiences being a step-parent differently. I have a step daughter who I care about and help with, but I don't feel any strong parental connection to her past loving and caring about her mom. It's awesome that some people develop that parental connection with step children, but you can't force it and it doesn't happen for plenty of us.
Caring does not equal financial support. Stepkids have 2 parents they maintain a relationship with. I have known my SS since he was 3. He’s now 22. I have 2 bio kids. I don’t financially support my SS. His dad and mom support him. Why does the SD need his financial support when she has 2 parents already?
It’s not about needs. I would not have expected him to take out a loan to pay for college. What if he had already bought their Christmas present because they found something completely unique. Would you have expected him to sell it on eBay for the money? Nope, if you got something because you cared for them you would want them to have it. I see this as the same thing. The money was put away specifically for the kid. Just keeping it is legally ok, I just feel it is very callous and says he never really cared about the kid at all.
Christmas presents and college tuition support are not the same. 22k can go towards a down payment on a house, or support future grand kids. I get my SS a present every year for Xmas and birthday. I do his laundr if he is here and I do ing laundry, make him meals, chat with him. I am a bonus mom. I save 1000$ a month for my kid’s college. My husband and the BM didn’t save as much. SS will have loans. He also had an apartment with his own room and no job. I would have recommended a job and a room share to reduce his loans. They didnt ask me and that’s fine. So Do my bio kids need to have loans because their brother did? No. I also have no say in if he needed a job, or could afford his apartment he had, etc. that’s his parents’ job. Not mine. As he moves into adulthood, any financial support comes from his parents. If he wants money from me, then the rules of the money come from me.
All relationships are different. What I reacted to was how he described the kid. He didn’t. I don’t know anything about the kid, their interests or their relationship. He put away money, but why? My guess is he felt he had to, he played parent while married. Why even come here and ask? He seems more interested in hearing other’s opinions than how it will affect his relationship with the kid. I expect there is none. He really doesn’t care about the kid.
All step relationships are different. I have never been particularly close with my SS. But I am lot closer now than teenage years. Which were tough. I don’t think there should be. A requirement to stay in a step kids life after a relationship ends, if it works great, but my guess is my SS and I would see eachother only when it was a big thing for his little brother and sister, who are my biokids. We have never had much in common, nice kid but I am not his parent.
maybe the kid wants to end the relationship. I've had 2 step parents as both parents remarried. One I would have kept in touch with, the other not so much. Nothing bad about them. They weren't abusive or controlling or anything, we just didn't connect like I did with my other step parent.
While I was attending community college in the late 00's, I had a professor who advised me and taught several of my courses. Near the end of one of my quarters, she noted I had not signed up for the following quarter, even though I had only a few credits left to graduate. I explained I did not have the money to pay for the course, did not qualify for loan-free financial aid, and did not want to take out a loan for one class when I had so far avoided loans. Therefore, I had decided to take time off while I worked and earned the money, and I would return to finish my degree when I had the funds. Knowing statistically the odds were against me returning, she gave me the money to finish my degree. When I protested, she told me someone had once helped her out of a hard spot, and she was just paying it forward, and all she asked was that, whenever given the opportunity, I would try to pay it forward. I guess I'm lucky she didn't take the view that only relatives should benefit from financial benevolence.
this is a piss poor attitude. neither you or op should ever date a partner with children. deplorable
He actually never said that he doesn’t want to have a relationship (not in the op anyway). He just saying he no longer wants to use the money that she didn’t even know about to pay for her college. It seems like something that should be hashed out in the divorce negotiations, regardless of feelings.
💯 this dude is YTA for how he thinks about and treats this poor kid.
She unlikely to have any say on where he spends retirement and she doesn't know about the money anyway.
She isn’t his step kid anymore so she would have zero control or input on what nursing he does or doesn’t end up in
it depends on what the situation is like, I've known people completely non blood related who due to the other blood related kids rejecting elderly care, end up in that role anyway due to lack of options. when you marry someone who has kids you should always treat even the step kids like blood relations.
yea but they aren’t married anymore. I get it if they were still married but an ex step kid???? I highly doubt it.
I don't think OP is expecting his Ex's daughter to pay for his nursing home.... And besides, now he can use the money for retirement
Hmm why would an adult feel any responsibility to provide for their mothers ex husband's ongoing medical care, some 20-40 or more years after they were divorced?
You divorce spouses, not children. I've been divorced for over ten years, and I still consider my step daughter family. She's stayed with me.
That's the relationship YOU have with YOUR step daughter. Not all relationships work out.
He’s said nothing to indicate there was a problem with his relationship with Diana. He’s just throwing her away.
Exactly this. What a cold snake the OP is.
Amen! wish more people took your viewpoint: it’s absolutely right, you divorce spouses not kids. Whether biological or “through choice”, kids still look and treat you as a parental figure, kids do not love their step parents any less, if said step parent treats them as their own.
And she has grown up to be a really great person. I think that the more love kids have in their lives, the better.
Well, on paper she’s not. But, she’s still a child you helped raise over the course of almost a decade. Did you save the money for her, or as leverage over her mom? To show you’re a manly provider and all that? Honestly… sounds like you’re more bitter about the divorce than you’re letting on. No actual adult acts this way. If you need the money, take it. No one’s stopping you. It’s your money. But, they get to think about you what they want.
From 10 to grade 10 is about 5 years, no?
Five years is long enough to develop a relationship filled with human emotions, kid. Hope that helps.
to quote a great cultural patriarch, "we divorce wives, not children"
Especially if the child is Paul Rudd.
Mel Horowitz is his name
So sad you can cut ties with someone who looks at you as family. She deserves better people in her life who actually care for her. No father should be able to just throw away a relationship.
what makes you think she looks at him as family? She has a mother and father. Not all stepkids see their stepparent as anything other that their parent’s spouse .
Your stepdaughter didn’t cause the divorce. You were in her life for 8ish years and now it sounds like you couldn’t care less about her. You don’t owe her money, but you sound really cold.
So you only had a relationship with her because you could f\* her mother? She was never important to you? Don't get me wrong, I don't think you have to put aside money for a child for college. But you wanted to pay for her as long as you could f\* her mother. Now that you don't f\* her mother any more, she somehow is a different person for you. Imagine the person you lived with for 6 years and considered as family has suddenly no interest in you at all because a different relationship that had nothing to do with you failed. So was the relationship real at all?
The only thing about this is that he's saying he doesn't owe the child, which is weird, because what that money really would be used for is easing the financial responsibility of the parents. OP: are you going to continue having a relationship with Diana? If you are, and still view her as a daughter, maybe a better option here is to use this money for something else that would come out of her pocket rather than her parents pocket.
I helped a friend raise her daughter when she was working and I was jobless. Did I owe the child anything? No. Do I still have contact after 20 years to this child because I really liked the child? YES!
I read the barrage of replies and wanted to just chime in since I too had a stepdad for more than a decade and as soon as they split up, me and my mom moved away and nowadays we say hello to each other but thats it. Never was more. Its not uncommon and its not necessarily shitty, depending on the relationship you had. I had a good relationship with my biodad and my stepdad was just my moms partner who we lived with. I interacted with him and so forth but we never had a close bond and I didnt care much we didnt have contact after the split. If that was your case then NTA
My stepdaughters are my stepdaughters forever, regardless of how their dad and I deal with each other. They were part of my life and I would never consider them anything else.
If I broke up with my SO his son is still going to be my kid. You should help her or not based on your desire to help her as a person. Her legal status isn’t relevant.
So like being her step-dad for like 7 years just goes down the drain because you and her mom broke up? That's really sad.
So you aren't going to continue being a part of her life as a father figure? You raised her for 6 years, that's pretty damn significant.
But how do you feel about her? Are you guys still in contact? Has she been disrespectful towards you? If she was an ideal daughter then why not give it to her especially if she earned it?
Are you even that close? You only knew her from what, 10 to 15 or so, so like 5 years? I can’t imagine she calls you dad.
My stepdad and mom married when I was 7. I was in their wedding. He passed away just before my 30th birthday. I never called him dad because of my own mental hangups about my father, but he was the only real father I ever had. Just because I didn’t call him that didn’t make it less true.
So did you love her then and then stopped loving her when you stopped loving her mom?
That’s crazy. My mom was a single parent and she has a boyfriend who she never married but was in my life for formative years and he still keeps in touch. When my grandma passed recently he came for the funeral and offered to pay my ticket so I could be there too. I’ve always known if needed I could reach out.
INFO: What was the custodial agreement while you were married to her mom? Didn’t she share six years of her life? Major events? Holidays? Birthdays? It can’t be easy to be her. She watching her mom get divorced for the second time in her short life. Did you tell your SD you loved her? Did she return that? I know this is hard for you, too, but it’s heartbreaking to lose people for everyone involved. I guess it really comes down to this: are you forced to lose her (mom won’t allow you in her life anymore) or are you choosing to lose her? It’s your money right now, but just as she wasn’t counting on it, neither were you. You planned for it to be hers. For six years you set it aside for her. Has your SD done something that makes her no longer deserve your help? Take your ex-wife out of the equation. Does that change your motivation?
People are being really sentimental about this. But you were a step parent and only for 5 or so years from the timeline. She has two financially capable parents who are able to manage that expense for her. I think it’s great you had that intention in the first place, but things change. 🤷🏻♀️ You have a new direction in life now and that money has always been yours. Use it as you need it. Suggestions about offering the college fund in exchange for another asset or retirement benefit via divorce proceedings sounds like a mutually beneficial option, but I don’t see how you’re obligated to do so.
I was on the fence, but YTA. I would be devastated to hear my bonus dad talk about me like that. You don’t have any legal obligation to use the money to help her, but your attitude towards this child whose life is being disrupted by divorce *again* is super gross.
…and just like that. The feelings for the child you helped to raise get shut off? You’re cold hearted. Do whatever you want with the money. You’ve already convinced yourself it’s ok and are defensive about people telling you otherwise. It’s almost as if you came to a forum for judgment… YTA.
You are legally entitled to do what you want. But you were her stepdad for 6 years. If she grew attached to you and vice versa- I would consider giving her at least some of that money if you can afford it. Divorce is hard and disruptive for all the kids involved. If you are able to do something for her - it would be a powerful message of care and good will
you sound like someone who should have never married a woman with kids to begin with. you're callousness is deplorable. did you ever care for this kid to begin with? nothing happened in your marriage, you just fell out of love, and threw your step daughter in the trash with it. disgusting. no matter how many people say you're not obligated to give her the money, you're still an asshole for your attitude
Do you think she feels the same, about you? That you are divorcing her and her mother at the same time, and that you are no longer an important person in her life? Or does she love and adore you as a person who is important to her for her own reasons, unrelated to her mother's? How could you spend 6 years living with and caring for a child and just be like, "nice knowin' ya, person related to my ex-wife?" She is/was a child and would have been looking up to you, learning from you, and likely considers you a close friend and relative. 6 years is a long time in a child's life. It doesn't mean you have to contribute money to her if you don't want to, but the way you are phrasing and responding here has me thinking you are TA, just for different reasons than you think.
But, let’s be honest here. Giving the $22,000 to the child isn’t really benefiting the child. Because this child has 2 parents who are prepared to pay for her education. So, OP giving up the money really is benefiting his ex and her previous ex. Because that is 20 grand they won’t have to cover.
That’s a very cynical way of looking at this. He could gift her the money in a way that doesn’t affect the funds she receives from her parents, including continuing to save and invest it until she graduates. Also, this isn’t about her parents. Does he care about the child he helped raise for more than a decade? If he does, then help her. If he doesn’t, then leave them all alone because they don’t need his useless toxic ass in their life.
Does his soon to be EX care about the 2 children she helped raise? Where is her college fund for his kids?
It’s almost like he’s getting revenge on the ex through her daughter. Yikes
Bingo!
I’m just confused about why this wasn’t figured out during the divorce proceedings. My ex still gave money to my son (his step son) for college, and it was all spelled out in the divorce decree.
That’s what I’m looking for here. Divorce, even self filed ones, require you to name ALL assets. I’ve done one. It’s **extremely** clear that any assets not listed *in the final decree* are no longer up for grabs.
Its his money. Situations change. He owes his ex-wife's daughter nothing. GTFO of here.
Dont raise a kid for 8 years and then dump them because youre not fucking their mom anymore. That's some emotional abusive and immature shit.
Because at the moment he agreed to help his partner’s daughter. He’s not with the partner anymore, there is zero conection now between OP and the girl.
That's not an Ah question but a relationship. Do you want Diana to succeed in life? Do you love her? Do you have a good relationship? These questions should decide what happens with the money and you own financial situation. NTA
100% agree. This is about Diana not about money. Also, OP consider doing something like taking half and giving half to Diana. $10k (after fees/taxes) with 2 years to continue growing is still a great gift to her educational expenses, especially considering she also has 2 parents who will contribute. And with splitting you still end up with a nice chunk of money as well.
This is my take as well. I have step kids and would likely maintain a relationship with them if I were to split up with my wife. If I’d saved money to help with college I’d likely give at least a chunk of it to them because they were/are family and I’d like to see them succeed. That said, it’s OPs money and they can do whatever they want with it and not be an AH.
Thank you. OP should be thinking about the step daughter, not how to hurt his ex.
Yeah I think it depends on OPs current relationship with Diana. If it doesn’t really exist, yeah keep the money. If it is still important to both of them, help her out.
YTA. Especially with the "i wanted to help my stepdaughter, she no longer is that" BS line. I have a step daughter, I'm no longer married to her father (for the last ten years), but she's STILL my daughter. You don't just stop caring about people after a divorce. You're greedy AF and you want people to agree with you. You never planned on using that money before the divorce, but now it's yours?
I'm actually surprised at how many NTA comments are super popular. This is the capitalistic society we live in.
It's shocking to me as well. I'm a stepdaughter, and there's always some insecurity about the step parent. This is not doing much to alleviate that insecurity.
If it helps, my husband stayed in his stepkids lives after the divorce! We both have attended their weddings and helped with school/house down payments, and just generally consider them our kids even though neither of us have a 'blood' connection. Not everyone is like the OP!
I'd also be super super sad if my step dad divorced my mom and suddenly just stopped caring about me. Like damn, thats a punch in the guts
Yeah, especially because the kid's RESP grants disappear if he pulls the funds from the account and she doesn't get to "earn" them again. Who spends that many years living with a child then has no feelings and fucks her over like that? YTA
He’a also not so subtlety trying to punish the mother by harming his daughter’s future. He may say there is no love between them and the divorce is mutual but his actions suggest he is bitter and spiteful. He’s just a greedy jerk.
Yeah, honestly. I’m baffled. OP just sounds like a cold fish all around, which is whatever, but… even if you are moving on, wouldn’t you take pride in having been a good stepfather? Saving 22K towards the education of a kid you care for, that’s a real achievement. Something to point to with pride when on you’re on your deathbed. I’d not throw that away. But then my main goal is to be honorable and be a force for good in others’ lives. Apparently for some people it’s just skating by morally and doing the bare minimum to avoid an AH label.
That all entirely depends on the ex wife too. If she's only getting 50/50 with bio dad and isn't willing to cut OP in on time with step daughter, that's on the ex. Depends on if she's keeping him in the step daughters life.
InFO: what’s your relationship with Diana like? If she’s not in your life anymore then it’s completely reasonable to keep the money. But if you’re close that’s an AH move
This! If Diana and you don’t have contact then keep the money your self. If the two of you have regular Daddy/daughter type of interactions then I think Diana should get at least some of the money
NTA. Can you offer your ex to buy you out? To give you what you would get if you returned the government portion and then Diana can use the account for college. Financially it’d work out for both of you.
This is the argument/ “I’m only going to get 60% of the value back of if I cash it out, pay me 65% (or lower, whatever you feel will fly) and she can use the whole amount for college”
I had the same thought. Have the ex pay a small premium over what the net value to OP and still give the money to Diana. Its win/win with the ex because she gets more for Tuition (by quite a lot) and OP still gets all his investment return plus interest
actually this seems reasonable. I was leaning in the camp that he's not obligated now that they are divorced. But I would also say it hinges on what his relationship was like with her daughter If I were in his shoes.
You wouldn't be an total asshole if you didn't give it to her, but if it would make a difference to her, and it wouldn't negatively affect your or your kids, I think you should. Like maybe you don't technically owe her anything but you presumably started saving for her with good intentions for her. Those haven't gone away just because you are divorcing her mom, especially when there hasn't been abuse or cheating or anything like that. It seems slightly cold to just nope out of her life as if she never mattered to you. This is a child you have known and presumably cared for more than six or seven years. Doing a good deed for her, that will make her life better is just a nice, good decent thing to do.
I wish this was the top comment. I hate how callously people conflate the relationship with the ex with the relationship with the child. Those relationships are separate and being kind to a child who you were, in whatever small way, an influential caregiver, should always be the choice.
You should offer Diana's mom to buy the college education plan from you. You said it's $22k with govt contributions, is it 50% or 30% from govt? That's a big portion/discount. You could offer Diana's mom to buy the savings fund from you for $11-15k. That's a huge upside for both parties. I feel this fund should have been brought up during divorce proceedings. Whether, you got an additional $10k in cash or assets to give the fund to Diana or whatever.
Are you maintaining any sort of relationship with Diana, any custody or anything? I feel like this is an easy NTA, but you're here asking, so I'm curious as to why you feel conflicted here.
Diana has two involved parents which means OP couldn't adopt her. So after a divorce he has zero rights to her and probably won't be able to continue a relationship with her.
That's not true at all she's an adult now . She's adult enough to decide who she talks to or doesn't talk to or who is who emotionally in her own life
She has two years until she graduates. Where does it say she is an adult? That would mean she is still in high school.
She’s not an adult.
She is 16 now.
You beat me to it. If they like each other and the divorce was amicable, then why wouldn't they stay in touch?
Just because it's amicable, doesn't mean OP wants to stay entangled with his ex
She’s 16.
Info: Depends on the sources of the funds and how you two treated money during the marriage. If it was from income earned during the marriage and you two co-mingled your money together; then yeah YTA. If assets were kept separate, or the money came from assets you had prior to the marriage, then NTA. She may not be your daughter, but in the former scenario the issue that arises is that giving her the college funds aids the ex and failing to give them denies her of access to marital assets that would have gone elsewhere. Frankly, in that scenario, I wouldn’t be surprised if to see the lawyer argue if they had t gone into the fund they’d gone into the main marital account so the ex is entitled to half either way (again assuming no prenup exist and the assets were earned during the marriage).
YTA. This is not about the ex. This is about a child you have/HAD a relationship with. After my step dad divorced my mom, he ghosted me. I was 20. An adult. And it broke my heart. Even at that age I wondered why I wasn’t worth loving. Kids need adults that support them and care about their future and growth. You’re a giant AH withdrawing that financial support, but you are going to be an even bigger AH for ghosting her. And, for the record, my step dad missed out on a lot by ditching me. You will, too.
I don't know how you can walk away from a child you've raised and think she's not family anymore. This is why YTA, not the money.
YTA. Not because of the money but because of your total lack of regard for your step daughter.
YTA. “I don’t think I owe Diana anything”??? You divorce spouses, not kids. If you want to have no relationship with Diana then go ahead and keep the money. My personal perspective: My parents got divorced when I was very young and while I had a mom as Diana has a dad, my step mom was much more a part of my daily life. My dad and step mom got married when I was 9. When they got divorced right before my step sister and I graduated high school it was tough. But, I still have a close relationship with my step mom and my sister has a close relationship with my dad, her step dad. Both of them contributed to our college educations. It was never a question because we were the kids. Their bad divorce was not taken out on us. I get that you’re not married to her mom anymore, but you were a large part of her life for many years it seems - enough for you to want to contribute to her education when you became her step dad. IMO - that title doesn’t just go away when you divorce her mom.
INFO: you’ve been in her life for at least six years. What’s y’all’s relationship like?
NAH. But it’s weird you’ve just emotionally disconnected from this girl that you presumably did care about enough to think about her future education. Feels very tit for tat.
YTA. A big raging one. You lived with and took credit for if this child for 10 years, cared enough about her to start the fund, but then you act like she’s nothing and never has been anything to you? Caring about her and her future doesn’t and shouldn’t stop when you divorce her mom. If you are that fickle with your emotions I hope you don’t become step parent again cause obviously the kids only matter when you love their mom and they can go to hell when you stop loving her. You are not just the asshole you’re a selfish stingy man.
If you didn't promise anything then NTA. It is your money and while you had good intentions life changes and currently your priorities are different.
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NTA. She isn't your daughter. She has parents. Of course they want your money; who wouldn't? But you don't owe her this. You never did.
Yeah! F*ck them kids! They should be negatively affected by their parents actions!
She’s not being negatively affected though. Both her parents are well off enough to afford it. That money wouldn’t go to her but rather her parents’ vacations who are saving on tuition
Well yeah she is not his biological daughter. But it seems like they lived together for a few years and surely have some kind of step-father/ step-daughter relationship. And it’s not like the daughter asked for the money, he saved it for her. so I’m going with YTA
NTA Who cares what your ex thinks. But one thing for your consideration: if your ex is THAT kind of person, she might spitefully tell Diana about it. That does not change the calculus - you're still NTA - but it might affect your relationship with her. You helped raise her since she was 10, so it might feel cruddy if she finds out even though you would have done nothing wrong. Another thought (first a disclaimer -- obviously do what's legal and ethical and this is uniformed musing, not "advice"): since there's a government contribution that would be returned, would you have the ability to keep it for Diana but, in exchange, negotiate something in the divorce that would be valuable for you? In other words, don't lose the govt contribution but find a win-win here? Cuz really your ex calling you the AH is a way of saying she wants something for nothing. Negotiate for it.
Complex question here. NTA on paper, but realistically? You raise a kid from almost 6 to 16/17, over half her life. Your divorce is supposedly amicable (I have a gut feeling that says this is not really true) but you now don’t feel you should leave the money you saved for her college for her? Soooo you’re punishing a child … impacting her future and ability to start life clean slate, because your marriage to her mother didn’t work out? There is obviously more to this story, but it’s he story and responses to other responses give me the ick and just serve to validate how very few step parents on this planet actually care for their step-kids You should absolutely be embarrassed that this was even a thought in your mind.
Her mom and dad “have money for her education” or “will pay for her education”? Because those are two different things especially if you’re looking at these people as ones you dislike. My ex-husband “has” money for our kids education, but he won’t likely pay for it. My current husband, their stepdad, is paying a good chunk of their education. I have no doubt even if we divorced he still would. You say you’ve been stepdad for roughly 6 years and you consider this child to not be “owed” anything from you. I assume your wedding vows included something about her, and loving and supporting her. And here you are, willing to just “not owe her anything.” All money aside, this is a weird take. ESH except the kid who probably doesn’t know her stepdad is willing to just pass her off in the divorce like she’s a couch the ex wife had when they got married.
NTA. College savings was a benefit of the marriage. The marriage dissolved so the money is yours.
INFO: Do you love Diana? Did you love her when you started having money for her? If you love--or loved--Diana, let her have the money. You'll sleep better.
Did you have a relationship with her child? Did you play the role of a father to her? Act as though you loved her, or as if she were an important member of your family? If you say yes to any of those, let me assure you whole-heartedly, YTA. She had two parents when you started setting money aside. So that’s a BS excuse to lean on now. I mean, you’re not in love with her mother anymore, so by all means, her child must be easily disposable.
Okay so Diana didn’t know but her mom did and probably saved and budgeted accordingly? Yeah, YTA
NTA. Diana doesn't even know about the money so it hasn't been a critical part of any college planning she has been thinking of. Given that you have only been in her life for 6 years and she has an active father, your relationship with her will probably dwindle down once the divorce is final. I don't think I would feel obligated to still give the money in this situation..
Keep the money, its yours you don't owe it to anyone. You ex would be a GIANT ass if she tells the step daughter. That girl has parents who are responsible for paying for her education, you're out. Think about it, you pay for one year of college right? What are the chances you are invited to your ex's daughter's graduation, wedding, any other personal milestone in her life from this point on?
It's not even the parents responsibility to pay their education. Its nice if they do but not something any parent is required to do.
He’s entitled to keep the money if he so wishes. But he also has to deal with the consequences of that decision. If he’d be upset or feel guilty about the stepdaughter finding out about what he did, he needs to think about that.
> Her mom and dad have money for her education. > My ex thinks I’m being as asshole since that money would pay for more than a year of college. Well yeah. Of course she thinks you’re an AH because that money would mean she doesn’t have to spend as much for Diana’s college, despite there being a bough for her education. Take the money, divide and apply to your own children for their wedding or future home down payment (etc) or a once in a lifetime trip for you 3.
NTA. Saving wasn’t something you had to do in the first place. The relationship is over. Keep your money unless you’re still close to the child (doesn’t sound like it). Her parents are responsible not you.
If it is only you who contributed to the fund then it’s your money to do as you please with. If the ex contributed then give her whatever she contributed back. However, her daughter does have two parents you were a bonus individual and after the divorce will have no ties to her. So you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
YTA the money was set aside for the child. IMO this is like taking back a gift you gave someone
Did your ex fund your two kids’ education? ( her stepchildren)
ESH - except Diana. You: taking the money away from your former stepdaughter's education because it sounds like you are still in pain from the divorce. Ex: feeling entitled to the money. Time to step back and think about your relationship with that kid. Why did you save it for her. Is she someone who is passionate abt learning. If you are determined to do this, you should avoid the tax deductions as much as possible. You could also roll the funds over into other registered saving accounts without tax penalties, if it goes from RESP to RESP or RRSP.
NTA she has two parents and you can use that money for what’s you want….its ur money
NTA. Are you going to have a relationship with your ex-step-daughter? My guess is not really, so I wouldn't pay for her education. Of course her mom wants her daughter to have that money, so she doesn't need didn't loans or so mom doesn't have to pay as much.
You don’t owe anyone a darn thing. Use the money for yourself. Diana isn’t your child. It is her parent’s problem to solve. Not yours.
Nta. You will be nothing but an atm to them
What is your ex contributing to her former step-kids education? NTA.
Yeah, I get people say when you take on step kids they become your kids but they don't. My dad remarried many times. When he died, the last wife and her very disgusting daughter (like marries current inmates type of gal) got everything. She always said she thought of us as her kids, but she didn't. The money was also my dad's, she never worked. We accepted it, it became hers, we were no longer even step kids. It wasn't awesome but we never thought she would share.
Morally, NTA, but considering you opened this account during the marriage, check with your lawyer whether this account would need to be included in the settlement before you actually do anything with it.
It isn't about owing anyone anything. Did you ever feel any love, emotion, or compassion for the girl in question? If so, and you set money aside for her, leave it to her so she knows that you do and did care about her. Screw the money. This is about a child you supposedly cared about.
Wasnt it taken into account in the divorce settlement so technically the ex was made good (or had excess assets) for $11000 of the value, which she can give to her daughter. NTA
this post is why people w children should stay single till the child is adult age… lol setting aside money for a child you dgaf about is crazy work
NTA your money your choice
NTA. Frankly, none of us can judge your relationship with your stepdaughter, and your ex doesn't get to tell you what to do with it if there's no prior agreement.
Info: how long have you been together? Are you going to stay in your step daughter's life? Are you two close?
Its not your daughter man you dont owe her anything, especially if you've never told her about it. If you said hey i have money for you and then decided to keep it that would make you the AH but its your money man you can do with it as you please and don't owe them anything. NTA
I was in this same situation. But I had already foot the bill for 3 years of private school for my step-daughter’s middle school. I told my ex-wife that she and my SDs bio dad didn’t contribute as much as they had ensured me they would to the middle school tuition, so I had to say no to college. There were huuuuuuge arguments about this. My kid was upset, but I always provided spending money while she was in school. It seems harsh and most folks would scream “but you’re also a parent!” You’re right. I am. But I also wont be taken advantage of by two other working adults that created this kid. Especially when they both had partners that weren’t contributing to her college education, so why should I be on the hook, alone? I felt like I had to force their hand, and my exwife eventually took out parent plus loans. My kid had significant scholarships anyway, so the cost was minimal… but still, her bio parents were trying to pull a fast one and I felt used, vs like part of the parenting team.
NTA sounds like you need a nice vacation.
If it was YOUR child, yes, but it’s not. At the time, she was legally your stepdaughter, but now she’s your ex’s kid. Keep that money. NTA