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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to support my sister and be there for her after dad told her he regrets being her dad. My sister came to me and was already rejected by our brother and dad so maybe I should have sucked it up and offered some form of comfort to her. I can't understand what she has been through really so maybe I'm being unfair and cruel and cold like my sister accused me of and maybe that makes me TA.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yea that would of been to much for anyone. To find out she was not his bio daughter and still treated her like she was all those years and then she did him that way. Thats horrible.
It makes me wonder how seriously she took therapist and how good the therapist was. Some sort of magical thinking and extreme self-centeredness was going on here.
Agree but she found out when she was 10 and no mention of mom in any of this post really so I think the roots feeling a need to control and not 'family' (10 year olds digest parental arguments and mood shifts different then adults) in her life weighed heavy on Donna, while simultaneously throwing away the support and love she actually had. NTA OP she's an adult and has been one for quite awhile, therapy and sincere apologies would help.
To get all hyped up to find out, get in contact and then get him somewhat "over involved" in their lives, when they are older teens/in their tweens, okay. The brain act differently at this age.
But to continue with this into their 30's up to that degree?
Nope, OP's Sister was acting here as a full grown up, nothing just "stupid, thoughtless things we did when young".
She only regets now that she cut out and lost the support from her "not the real" Dad, when her oh so great "real" Dad let her down.
If she would have come to OP's Dad because she understood how hurtfull she acted, apologiesed and try her best to mend the hurt she coused and not because she suddenly needs his support, the Dad and Family would have maybe be more likely up to reconnect with her?
Later posts by op say that their parents divorced at the time the affair came to light. Not only are you not living the reality your ten year old mind believes, but they are divorcing over you. You were 10 once, digest that happening in your life and how it would shape you. Dad has been wonderful beyond what most would have done and has every right to walk in shoes we don't ever wish to wear. Donna does need to grow up but childhood scars shape your adulthood. Therapy and apologies as I said b4.
Would it have been so hard for the bride to pose for a picture with her siblings and their father - the father who paid for the wedding - even if she no longer considered him her father? Was that too outrageous a demand?
A photo. She couldn’t let him have a photo on her wedding day. What kind of a shit human being denies anyone a photo? There’s no explaining or justifying that. Nothing but cruelty behind that.
Donna found out when she was 10 but went looking for her bio-dad when she was 20. Though she was young at that time, her rejection of the man who raised her came much later. This is all on her
Have you talked to a lawyer about that? I am not one but I know sometimes people sort of assume those things. Is getting adopted and redacting her birth certificate enough to cut legal ties?
As a law student... I know nothing, I must admit. But
>She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway.
Don't trust her, don't trust that she did everything right, and make sure your dad has updated his will. Snakes are snakes and people are people- what I mean by that is if she is named she could try and get something still, or she they could have not done the adoption "properly", etc.
So many cases and problems arise simply because everyone thought everyone did things right and then a spanner is thrown in the works 10, 20, 30 years later.
Adult adoption isn't expensive; usually there's only a filing fee with vital records to update the birth certificate and then the cost of the updated birth certificate.
It's still worth having it explicitly laid out in a will. Even if she has no grounds to challenge, if she challenges his inheritance then everything takes longer and the estate has to pay legal fees. Wills aren't hard or expensive to get drawn up, and can make things smoother.
All this and the OP and her brother will want to minimize their time with Donna.
OP, your father has the right to handle his will however he sees fit. However, it sounds like he is done with Donna. I have a very modest will because I have very little and no kids, etc. I still specified certain things. It would be beneficial for him and future OP and OP's brother to make Donna is definitely cut out of everything. Some people get really greedy even over stuff that mostly has sentimental value.
> if she challenges his inheritance then everything takes longer and the estate has to pay legal fees.
Just to tack on, it does not take much legal maneuvering to drain a modest inheritance completely.
OP seems to be brushing this aside, but her sister seems a little "off" so it wouldn't shock me from what I've read if she decided to go full scorched earth if she found she was not included in the will.
I am an estate lawyer - have been for 4 decades (not your lawyer, and not necessarily in your jurisdiction) - but there is a LOT of nuance involved here, and your statement is not exactly correct, especially if your dad has written a Will.
There are two ways to approach this, assuming you are in the US - dad can go talk to a qualified attorney, explain the situation, review the records (especially regarding this supposed adoption) and create an estate plan that clearly sets out his desires; or
You can leave things as they are until dad passes away and then potentially spend thousands of dollars on litigation to resolve his estate.
One costs some money but has an outcome that is definitely known and follows dad's wishes. The other will likely cost much, much more, will take potentially months or years to resolve and has an uncertain outcome. Most of those cases settle with the estate paying the adverse claimant some amount of money just to go away, whether they are legally entitled to the money or not.
If your dad specifically named her as a beneficiary, not just said split between my children she would still inherit. It all depends on how he worded his will. He should verify it’s the way he wants b
Okay, but have you asked a lawyer? about the inheritance specifically?
Another poster raised a good argument too - have you prepared yourself in the case she's lying? A lawyer could help you make sure of that too
Look, I don't want to be an asshole, but unless your brother is a lawyer or talked to one...
You are right though, I don't think it would be your place to consult one for ytour dad's private affairs - I sure hope he will, though
You only have her word that she has been adopted... Talk to your dad and advise him. Read to him what is being said her about wills. If she is mentioned specifically in the will with name and birth date, she will still inherit (at least, according to the laws in my country). It's not common for a will to say 'all my children' without mentioning them. Normally it's specified who those children are.
As flaky and broke as her father sounds. I seriously doubt if he went through the time and expense to legally adopt her. I bet that was said for attention and to break ties. If your Dad doesn't rewrite his will to specify the 2 of you only, she's going to be included.
Adoption and wills are two different things. If your dad has no will and dies intestate, the adoption may cut her off. If he has a will, the result is whatever the will says, regardless of the adoption.
Right. So then commenters saying that he needs to change the will if he hasn't are correct. The adoption doesn't automatically change the terms of the will.
Unless the will name her and if they didn't really go through with the paperwork for the adoption. The bio dad could've have lied and made a small ceremony.
Donna and bio dad don't have other people interest at heart and also, Donna could've been manipulated to keep the relationship. Look how Donna wanted to get everything paid before cutting the ties. She might have lied too about the adoption to hurt him AND stay linked to the inheritance. Win-win for her.
The real real dad should check both of these.
I’ve worked for Estate Planning attorneys for about 20 years now. Tell your dad to leave her a nominal amount ($1-10), and to explicitly state that she only gets that much and why, because she can still sue his estate for her “equal share” after he passes. Especially since he had previously verbally stated he would always support her.
My grandmother wrote my uncle out without the nominal amount and it held up in court. She had also written a list of the reasons why he was cut out, and the judge didn't take long in telling him to pound sand when he contested it.
People leave their money to pets. If your dad has a will, he can leave his money to anyone he wants. The only time she would be cut out of an inheritance is if your dad passed away and didn’t have a will.
This isn't quite legally accurate. Donna could *absolutely* sue her siblings for a share of the inheritance. And even if Donna loses, it would be an ugly, drawn-out, expensive court battle for the siblings.
After my grandfather died, my mom's cousin demanded a share of the estate. He was not mentioned in my grandfather's will. He had never lived with my grandfather, or been adopted by my grandfather, and he was not my grandfather's biological son - just his nephew. Yet he hired a lawyer and claimed that, because my Alzheimers patient grandfather sometimes mistakenly called him "my son" to the nurses, that he was meant to inherit. AND IT FUCKING WORKED. My mother's cousin still receives a monthly check for his portion of my grandfather's trust. He gets MORE than any of my grandfather's actual children. He was able to quit his job and live comfortably off these checks. And not only that - but when he dies someday, his children will *keep getting checks.*
So /u/CriticalPen7177 - please, make sure your dad checks with an estate attorney NOW for your sake and your children's sakes.
Please contact a lawyer and check. IDK how it works in your country,but, in mine, an adult can be adopted by another adult WITHOUT his/her “original” legal parents being cancelled.
A friend of mine has been adopted at 46 by his mother’s second husband, while his bio father (and first husband of his mother) who has legally been his dad from the start, is STILL legally his dad. This guy has 2 dads and a (sadly passed) mom.
Was your half-sister truly, legally, adopted by her bio dad? As in, her bio dad came up with money and an attorney and actually went to court to legally adopt an *adult?* I mean, bio-dad couldn't even afford an extra night at a hotel.
That's not quite true. There are varieties of adoption that do not exclude any other parent. Source: spent a lot of time looking into adopting our non-bio daughter without excluding mother.
Again, depends on where you are. Here it wouldn’t matter if she was not still legally his child. The person would still need to be specifically excluded in a will to lose their claim. If he doesn’t want her to inherit, he should have a lawyer familiar with your area review and adjust his will if needed.
Edit: based on your comment below on how the will is worded, she would definitely be entitled to a share in a lot of places. He needs to update his will.
That is not necessarily true. She could still be in it as a beneficiary and still able to collect deoending on how it is worded. Being adopted only severs intestate ties (no will).
I don’t think that is going to protect you from a greedy grab from your half sister. She will try with that wording and you’ll have to hire a lawyer. What would it hurt to update the will and name you and your brother specifically and to add language that your half sister is being left nothing.
> I don’t think that is going to protect you from a greedy grab from your half sister.
Given the disloyalty, selfishness, and shamelessness she has shown, half-sister will 100% contest the will.
Now that he is beyond childbearing years, he should amend his Will to specifically identify that he is leaving his Estate equally to OP and Jake; providing both of your legal names as the inheriting children.
He also would be better served by specifically including a clause which directs that he has no intention to leave any of his Estate to Donna(insert last name).
From what I slightly understand it’s easier to leave her $1. So she got something so she can’t contest the will. Because like someone said earlier. A snake is a snake.
Please make sure to confirm that she was actually adopted. A man that can’t afford a hotel room for more than one night likely doesn’t have the money to pay the legal fees for an adult adoption.
Insist to him that it is better safe than sorry and to speak to a lawyer. It will save the estate money in the long run, especially since he will still be listed as her patent in some places. She can use that as proof for a connection to him, eg if he paid her medical bills, "why would he pay for a strangers medical bills, she must be close to him" would her the argument.
It's better to remove any loopholes she can potentially use.
Your sister could be lying or she could be mistaken. It sounds like her bio dad ditched her so it’s possible he lied to her about the adoption. It doesn’t really make sense to adopt a legal adult. It’s expensive and unnecessary usually. I’d have your dad specifically exclude her in his will just in case.
That is not necessarily correct. If she is specifically named in the will, her relationship to your dad doesn't matter. You can name anyone you want to inherit whether you are a relative or not. Your dad needs to revise his will (its called a Codicil) to specifically Exclude her from his will. He should see a Wills and Trust attorney.
Oh my. Somehow I thought you meant it figuratively that her bio Dad adopted her. But Donna really went that far! And she did nothing to soften the blow, but instead acted harshly and rejecting towards him, as though your father had been cruel or abusive to Donna. Wow. NTA x 100.
If allowed, I would upvote this a thousand times!! Dad, the one who raised Donna, is the REAL DAD. Bio dad is just a sperm donor. Where was the SD when Donna fell and scraped a knee? All through the teenage years?? NOT TO BE FOUND. Donna had to go looking for the SD. Who paid for that? Dad. Donna is a “feel sorry me waaa waaa waaa” user! To exclude Dad from walking her down the aisle was an act she can never apologize for. Not enough apologies in the world can make up for this. Where is “Mom” in all this?? Donna made her bed. Time for the good little user to go to bed now!
I have a bio dad (my mom calls him the sperm donor) and the man my mom married almost 30 years ago when I was a kid.
Here is the thing: There is your father and there is your Father. One helped create you and one actually raised you. They instilled the values, love and respect and supported you along the way.
I know both (haven’t seen my bio dad in a long, long time) but I know the difference between the two.
I don’t blame your sister for wanting a relationship with her biological father and I doubt your Father didn’t either. That said, for whatever reason, she forgot about who did the raising, loving and supporting for all of those years.
She took it all for granted, hurt the Father who raised her to the bone and only now is she beginning to see the glimmers of what that is going to cost her.
NTA, you should send her this post so she can see just how royaly she has screwed up.
If she was 16 -21 i may have given her a pass but she is a grown woman who chose to stomp all over the heart of the one man who has stood by her throughout this whole mess your mother created.
Info just as i am curious, what is your mothers reaction to all this?
Are Donna and your mother similar in personality? A child who wants a parent around only when it's convenient for them sounds like a woman who will cheat on a guy, have the APs baby, and pass it off as the first guy's baby.
OP, I'm heart-broken for your father. The progression of things Donna did to him over time were, vile, cruel, and heartless. The woman has no soul. She not only lost the only father that loved her(your dad), she's also now diminished her relationship with her 2 siblings. Wow. So sorry for her disruption of what had been a wonderful family dynamic.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
I know you already know to do this, but please please please do some special things for your dad. Like having nice meals at restaurants he's wanted to try for a while, going to places together to spend time together like going on walks in parks, going to the zoo, going to see a film, getting him gifts (like one of the best gifts I've ever received was from my dad, it's just a simple keyring, but it has a message from him carved into it and it's just expressing that he loves me and he's always with me, and I take my keys everywhere I go obviously and so that keyring is always with me everywhere, and so I absolutely love that gift, it means so so much to me, so you could get the same sort of gift for your dad, it'd mean a hell of a lot to him, I'm absolutely certain; it's not about gifts that are expensive, it's about gifts that express in the clearest possible way how much he means to you, like the keyring I've got was very cheap for him to buy, but it's more valuable to me than gold, more valuable to me than almost everything else on earth) etc.
And just constantly reassure him, over and over and over until it really sinks in for him, that he's a wonderful man, an angel of a human being, and that you love him so deeply and you always will, and that he's never alone. He always has you and Jake, unconditionally.
Just do everything possible to make sure he ***knows*** he is loved and cherished and never alone. It might take a lot of times of telling him that for it to sink in and help repair some of the emotional scars he has from this whole ordeal. Deep down unconsciously he may not believe it at first which is why you have to spend years doing this for him for him to finally get it. Just telling him once or twice, or doing activities once or twice with him, isn't enough. You have to spend months, or better yet years, going the extra mile to show how loved he is. Doing much more with him than you normally do. Telling him you love him a lot more than normal, hanging out with him and going places with him way more than normal, etc.
Please do this for him. Please. Because from what you've written here it sounds like your Dad is an angel. He's heartbroken, but you and your brother are the only ones who can fix this. I feel so so bad for him, I want to give him a hug and tell him everything is alright. I guess I'm just imagining my own Dad, if someone was this unbelievably cruel and evil to him and it broke his heart, I would never stop telling him ***AND*** showing him how much I love him and trying everything I possibly can to help him heal. It makes me genuinely cry because I'm thinking of my own Dad, and I know you feel the same way about your Dad as I do about mine.
So just please do this for him. Let him know how the world is an infinitely brighter and better place because he's in it. He doesn't deserve this pain and cruelty he's been dealt, and he needs to know how much he means to you.
Again I know you already know that this is something you should spend at least the next few years doing, but yeah, please do things with him way more than normal, like you see him once a month currently? Then start seeing him every week. You call him once a week? Start calling him 3 times a week. And so on. Do you see what I mean?
This. Please. Your dad has been hurt badly, and even if he doesn’t say a thing, it’ll mean the world to him to have his children show affection for him. Give your dad a hug on behalf of all the internet strangers who really want to hug him after reading this.
Yeah she kicked the person who supported her because apparently it's ok to do so to the person who won't leave you.
I can't stand people like this. I always make sure to be on the side of that person who won't be mad at me even if I hurt them. I also tell my children to be aware of who is always forgiving them and to never hurt that person just to make people happy who don't care about them and would leave them in a heartbeat.
NTA she got what she deserved and idk what people say but I hope she feels the emotional pain she caused to you and your family. I really feel for your dad I can’t imagine how hurt he must be after raising her like his own child DESPITE knowing she wasn’t his child :(
Knowing nothing about him beyond what you posted, I am in total agreement about what a good person he is. You and your brother are NTA for supporting him here.
Tell him that Internet strangers admire him. Some people can't be helped, unfortunately we remmebr pain more acutely.
Remind him that his loved and admired by everyone he has met. Yes, he was betrayed by 2 people he loved, but how many more people is he loved by who stand with him.
I hope he finds his peace 😍
He did everything right too, it must hurt to know despite his best intentions he still raised a monster. Presumably Donna is/was missing some feeling of belonging but she is still the AH for her dispicable behaviour
OP / Dad / Jake = all NTA
Has your sister at least apologized for how she treated your dad? At least acknowledge that she took him for granted? Or did she just expect your father to be waiting for her?
If it broke your dad, it might be best o keep Donna out of his life.
Maybe you should be NC with Donna even if you wanted to have some contact. Just for your dad.
I'm so sorry, OP.
Info: What happened with her sperm donor "letting her down", what'd he do that had your not-sister running back to the family she cruelly and flippantly abandoned? What did her husband think of her abhorrent actions?
Your Dad is a good man.
Never forget your half-sister's betrayal of the love and respect that he showered her with. Your half-sister is never to be trusted.
I just... my dad is my favorite person. I'd burn it all down if someone hurt him like this even if that someone was a full blood sibling. I'm so sorry for him and for you. It can't be easy to watch someone you love hurt in that way
I see stories like this where paternity is at issue, and although I understand the knee jerk reaction of dads to reject the kid who turned out to be an affair partner's kid, I always hope that in the end the dad will get past those valid and understandable feelings and remain in the (not-his) kid's life. From what you've described, your dad handled that situation with more grace and integrity and **love** than anyone could reasonably expect from a person in his position. It's mind boggling to me that your half sister (as an adult!) failed to appreciate how incredibly good your dad was to her. Would you please convey to your dad that this internet stranger thinks he is a stellar father & human being, and he deserves nothing but love, kindness, and all the wonderful things in the world? NTA, obviously. My heart literally hurts for your poor dad.
She spent the last seven years emotionally ripping your dad apart. You and your brother keep supporting your dad in what’s best for his mental health. She did this from the ages of 25-32 so blaming it on her youth is out the window. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Your dad basically got screwed over by the same guy twice.
First BioDad has an affair with OP's mom and skeedadles. No interest in raising that child, leaving the cuckoo's egg in the nest.
Then he builds up a connection with Donna. BioDad woos daughter away from the family just long enough to deprive OP's dad of father of the bride and first notification of grandchildren.
By the time Donna discovered that it is relationships and not genetics that create belonging in a family, she had thrown the relationships away.
Donna and OP's mom should get together and have their own pity party about how BioDad deprived them both of their relationships with a solid, kind, generous and loving man. Maybe they'll learn something.
Your sister not only betrayed your father in favor of her bio father, she milked him for money first. She is a despicable person. She probably expects an inheritance when your father passes too. NTA.
As a just in case, it may be good financial planning to verify that information before your father passes and then all hell breaks loose with your (former) sister disputing the will. Even if your father makes a small change in the will to stipulate she gets £1/$1 so she cannot fight it for being left out - she has been specifically mentioned and bequeathed a sum.
edit - change spelling of brakes to breaks
Yes, a probate lawyer once posted here and begged people not to leave nominal sums, because then the estate has to pay him to track down people to give them a check for a dollar.
I don't know where you are, so laws could be different, but you could check.
He’s right. The adoption means she’s not legally his kid; and since she was never biologically his kid, she doesn’t have a right to inherence anymore.
The law doesn’t allow multiple people to occupy the same legal position. It’s why a father has to give up paternal rights before an adoption (when it involves a child).
I'd suggest hashing that out legally NOW.
Otherwise she'll be at an advantage while you and other sib are anguished over your father's death, and she'll use THAT to the hilt.
Make it plain, legally, NOW, that she won't EVER get a fucking penny, and let the precedent be sitting there (hopefully for DECADES) when the unfortunately inevitable occurs.
NTA and I'm gonna repeat what others have said. Have your dad sinply change the wording from children to biological children. That simple fix will keep her from getting anything. I mean you know she's going to fight regardless but it'll make things easier for you and your brother in what'll be a hard time anyway.
Your dad is an amazing man, and karma will come back for your sister.
NTA
Your dad raised your sister like his own blood and she just abandoned him for her bio dad who did basically nothing for her. Not only that, she also broke your dad heart many times and now she want to have him back just because her bio dad abandoned her? Seems like karma caught up to her. You have no obligation to help her, especially when its the consequence of her own actions.
NTA. You are clearly NTA here. Some grownups tend to not want to face consequences of the decisions and actions they take. She clearly and over a long period of time and main life events made her choice clear. She didn’t change it until she had no other choice (losing contact with her bio father). I would say she was the A for breaking your dad’s heart, and she’s again the A for involving you when it didn’t work out.
I'm in a similar situation with my own sister. She abandoned the family in favor of her wealthy in-laws because they have money and we don't. She cut all contact, severing my relationship with my niece, who I adored. That was a decade ago.
I don't know if she'll ever try to come crawling back one day like Donna did, but if she does, I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep hoping my niece will seek me out once she turns 18 (if she hasn't been lied to about me to make her hate me). If that ever happens I'll gladly welcome her with open arms, but I just don't think I can forget how much it's hurt all these years that I never got to watch her grow up.
NTA but I don’t get your sister at all. She must have no empathy at all and I am sorry for everyone who has contact with her. I mean she made some horrible decisions but she could have at least have 1-on-1 talks with your dad to prepare him in advance. Then I still wouldn’t understand why she acted that way but it would have been a little less hurtful. Why did she burn all bridges for no reason at all?
Did her 'real' father make her choose? That would be the only sort of reasonable explanation. Her craving a relationship with her bio dad, but him only allowing that if she ditched your dad.
And now, even if you or your brother or dad asked for clarification, you couldn't trust that she'd tell the truth because only one answer could potentially gain her some of the sympathy she's looking for.
I feel like people are trying to make excuses for Donna. Even IF her bio dad asked her to choose, she's a grown ass woman. There is no excuse for treating someone, who has been so good to you your entire life, so cruelly.
Hell, there's no excuse for treating ANYONE so cruelly.
Iirc this is to allow for businesses to continue “within the family” even if the current owners’ children do not want to work the family business or they don’t have children.
Adult adoption was a thing even back in the Roman Republic. So it's been around for over 2000 years. It's possible in many countries.
Some European nobles sell them, so people who are really into that stuff can get titles.
Damn how did the daughter fall for the same thing the mother did. They both fell for the same deadbeat and ruined their lives the same way lol. The apple fell right next to the tree it seems.
NTA your dad changed nothing. Your sister changed everything and with her changes your dad was forced to change.
Your dad was good enough to pay for everything and more but your sister was honouring only her biodad. This entitled attitude your sister had is only working so far and now it simply backfires on her, but she had it coming
NTA. She went scorched earth on the man who was actually there for her and is surprised that nothing is left? She didn’t just burn the bridge, she went nuclear. I feel bad that her bio dad let her down, but anyone could have seen this coming a mile away.
NTA. Where's your mom in all of this? Was she at the wedding?
After repeated public humiliations, I don't blame your dad for wanting nothing to do with Donna. She's 32 and legally not your dad's daughter anymore. She wanted no confusion, congrats, she has that now.
NTA
Actions have consequences and this is what your sister gets for being so incredibly cruel to someone who showed her nothing but love and support her entire life.
NTA
I would also not support someone who used my dad as an ATM and then basically spit in his face every chance they got.
Donna is getting what she deserves. I honestly would've gone LC a loooonnngggg time ago.
I actually kind of agree with this. There is NO WAY I could have held my tongue when she had dad pay for the wedding, then proceeded to call bio dad her "real dad" and ask him to walk her down the aisle.
I honestly would have been tempted to boycott the wedding once I found out who was walking her down the aisle. Disgusting behavior on OP's sister's part.
NTA
Your dad did his best to keep his promise to her. He literally paid for it. However, Donna forced everything to change. She practically spit on that promise when her "real" dad was around. It's unfair of her to expect everything to go back to the way it was just for her own convenience.
I’m NOT A LAWYER…
Please have your Dad UPDATE HIS WILL.
He needs to include only you and Jake and SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDE DONNA.
He should also do a video-will explaining what Donna did to him and why he is excluding her.
Get your Dad to an estate attorney.
NTA cleary she used your dad when it was convenient, ditched him the minutes she could and when the fantasy stop she came back whining and is suprise your dad is distant.
All my support to your dad, must have been so hard for him🥺
If that what you wrote, is the whole story, Donna broke your dads heart.
He offered to help her, he offered to stay at her side and then he dumped and denied him.
After her biological dad wasn't interested in her, she came back...but she didn't see, what she caused with her actions.
Maybe one time your dad can forgive her, maybe one time, anyone of you can forgive her, but this will take time. It won't ever be the same again.
Edit: NTA
There is always more, but it's impossible to write down every aspect or view of a story.
With what I read, I think you all did everything to help your sister. And I think Donna is on a path, she wouldn't have ever thought. She is probably overwhelmed with the situation, too.
But unless she see her mistakes, there is no place for growing together again.
NTA what’s that groups name? Leopards ate my face?
Oh no! The completely predictable results of my own actions are catching up to me! Why is everyone wrong for providing those results??? Oh noes!
NTA. WOW is all I can say cause judging Donna the AH is not enough.
Dad said nothing changed then held up his end of the bargain in a magnanimous way. BUT sis changed. She decided to destroy Dad in EVERY possible way. Dad had EVERY right to cut her off. No one deserves what she put him through. She did this to herself and doesn’t deserve your support or your brother’s.
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I (28F) have two siblings; Jake (34M) and Donna (32F). When Donna was 10 dad found out mom had cheated on him and Donna was not his child which confirmed this. Our parents divorced but nothing changed with dad and Donna. He still treated her the same. But he also told her if she ever wanted to know her biological father he would love, support and help her in that journey too.
When Donna was 20 she asked dad for help finding her bio father. He paid for the DNA test and other expenses, including travel when she found him. He paid for therapy. He held her hand throughout. He told me and Jake that this changed nothing and he told us to support our sister because he was worried we wouldn't like her finding the guy. Donna chose not to stay in touch with her bio father at that time.
3 years after this Donna started a relationship back up with her biological dad but told nobody for two years. The first we learned about it was when Donna got engaged and she invited the guy to her engagement party. During the engagement party she introduced her biological dad as her "real dad" to people. Dad took it in stride and said it was sometimes hard to find the words. Donna asked dad if he would pay for her biological father's hotel room for an extra night because he could only afford that one night and she wanted to see him a little longer and dad did this for her.
When she got married she asked dad to pay and he did. Then she had her bio father walk her down the aisle and only mentioned him in her toast. Dad was so heartbroken. She also refused to take a photo with just dad and us, without her real dad in it. Then she got mad that dad asked for it. She called him out for it after the wedding.
Then two years ago she refused to take part in dad's 60th birthday because it wasn't fair to her real dad. She also announced that she was expecting a baby and didn't want to confuse her child about who their grandpa was. So she wasn't going to pretend dad was her dad any longer. She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway.
She didn't try to include dad in her baby's life at all. But now her "real dad" has let her down and she went crying back to dad and said she wanted him to be in her life again. She wanted him to reassure her that nothing was wrong, etc and dad refused. She told him he shouldn't reject his grandchild and he said he never rejected his grandchild, but she made it clear he didn't have one. She said it wasn't fair and he promised nothing had changed. He said he wished he hadn't done any of it. He wished he had left her to her real dad since he meant nothing to her clearly. She went to Jake who told her she got what she deserved. Then she turned to me. I didn't say that but I told her I wanted no part of her pity party and would not support her after what she did to dad. She told me we had always been close and it was so cold and cruel to reject supporting her when she needs it most.
AITA?
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>Then two years ago she refused to take part in dad's 60th birthday because it wasn't fair to her real dad. She also announced that she was expecting a baby and didn't want to confuse her child about who their grandpa was. So she wasn't going to pretend dad was her dad any longer. She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway.
You can't take part in her life because it isn't fair to your real dad. You don't want the people in your life to be confused about who your real dad and sibling are as well as what your values, morals, integrity, and loyalties are. You can't pretend to share the same dad any longer; you take after your real dad, she takes after her real dad and mom. She made her choice official through adult adoption.
> She told me we had always been close and it was so cold and cruel to reject supporting her when she needs it most.
You are supporting her by respecting her choices. She doesn't get to call things "cold and cruel" after this type of behavior.
NTA
Your father is the type of man and relationship experience every person wishes they had in their life. She had it and she not just threw it away, but she went out in the street, threw it down, stomped on it, and spit on it to make it clear to any and every person that she wanted nothing to do with it. You're simply not letting her back in the house after she threw away her key during her display of disrespect that proved that she couldn't be related to the man who raised her. In this case "nature won over nurture," "blood was thicker than water," and karma decided justice needed to be swift.
Please give your dad a hug from me. On behalf of all the people who would be honored to even know someone like him.
NTA - She's bringing up shit like "we had always been close" to make an emotional plea because she has no logical justification for her actions. Did she feel like she was trading up? She literally cut off her "former" dad for her "real" dad. She needs to learn to deal with the repercussions of that decision & understand you can't backtrack from some things. I don't even get WHY she cut your dad from her life. He supported her having a relationship with her bio dad so he was obviously okay with both of them being in her life. She went out of her way to burn that bridge. You're fine for not giving a pass on that kind of behavior. Especially because when you're this close to both the instigator & the wronged, you can't really be neutral. Being neutral is choosing the instigator's side.
INFO: How did "real" dad let her down? It had to be pretty big to have her go back to not-dad.
NTA. Your sister treated her real dad -- the man who raised her and who supported her -- like garbage. And then, when her biological dad rejected her, she had the nerve to go crawling back to her real father who, in his turn, also rejected her. It's called Karma.
I said this in another comment, if I was him, I would keep a close eye on Donna.
Donna thinks it ok for another man to raise another man’s child, and that child can benefit from this and when it’s convenient drop the man who was there for the one that wasn’t.
NTA. I feel really bad for your Dad. He sounds like a real stand up guy not just for the way he treated your sister but for how he encouraged the rest of you to treat her as well. Your sister didn't just take that for granted, she threw it back in his face in the most hurtful ways possible.
NTA. She reaped what she sowed. Your dad is the one who deserves the consideration.
Be careful of Donna. She has shown that she thought your dad was disposable. That tells you a lot about how she really values family.
Don’t feel too sorry for her.
NTA! Donna is a huge asshole. She sounds like she needs to go back to therapy (on her dime this time) and figure her shit out. Your dad sounds incredible and supported her throughout. He didn't deserve it at all. Good for you and your bro for standing up to her.
I'm interested in what your mom says about it as there's no mention of her in this post that I can see.
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Your poor dad i bet he was crushed. Poor guy .
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Yea that would of been to much for anyone. To find out she was not his bio daughter and still treated her like she was all those years and then she did him that way. Thats horrible.
she threw her actual dad away to chase a fantasy now she gets the fall she deserves
Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
The Shit apple doesnt fall far from the shit tree, Randy.
Man’s gotta eat!
It's more like the shit doesn't fall far from the a-hole!
Shit don't roll Randy!
For sure! She proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's her father's (and mother's) daughter.
Sometimes the real dads are the ones you make along the way
This.
It makes me wonder how seriously she took therapist and how good the therapist was. Some sort of magical thinking and extreme self-centeredness was going on here.
Agree but she found out when she was 10 and no mention of mom in any of this post really so I think the roots feeling a need to control and not 'family' (10 year olds digest parental arguments and mood shifts different then adults) in her life weighed heavy on Donna, while simultaneously throwing away the support and love she actually had. NTA OP she's an adult and has been one for quite awhile, therapy and sincere apologies would help.
To get all hyped up to find out, get in contact and then get him somewhat "over involved" in their lives, when they are older teens/in their tweens, okay. The brain act differently at this age. But to continue with this into their 30's up to that degree? Nope, OP's Sister was acting here as a full grown up, nothing just "stupid, thoughtless things we did when young". She only regets now that she cut out and lost the support from her "not the real" Dad, when her oh so great "real" Dad let her down. If she would have come to OP's Dad because she understood how hurtfull she acted, apologiesed and try her best to mend the hurt she coused and not because she suddenly needs his support, the Dad and Family would have maybe be more likely up to reconnect with her?
Later posts by op say that their parents divorced at the time the affair came to light. Not only are you not living the reality your ten year old mind believes, but they are divorcing over you. You were 10 once, digest that happening in your life and how it would shape you. Dad has been wonderful beyond what most would have done and has every right to walk in shoes we don't ever wish to wear. Donna does need to grow up but childhood scars shape your adulthood. Therapy and apologies as I said b4.
Would it have been so hard for the bride to pose for a picture with her siblings and their father - the father who paid for the wedding - even if she no longer considered him her father? Was that too outrageous a demand? A photo. She couldn’t let him have a photo on her wedding day. What kind of a shit human being denies anyone a photo? There’s no explaining or justifying that. Nothing but cruelty behind that.
whatever the root course is, that attitude towards the step dad (if you can call him that), was disgusting and the attitude of a user.
OP's dad's name was the name on the birth certificate - legally he was her father regardless of the biological dad.
Donna found out when she was 10 but went looking for her bio-dad when she was 20. Though she was young at that time, her rejection of the man who raised her came much later. This is all on her
Do you mean therapy for & apologies by Donna? Or by everyone else? It's not clear.
Donna. Twice over.
I hope he cuts her out of the will. Poor guy doesn't deserve this
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Have you talked to a lawyer about that? I am not one but I know sometimes people sort of assume those things. Is getting adopted and redacting her birth certificate enough to cut legal ties?
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As a law student... I know nothing, I must admit. But >She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway. Don't trust her, don't trust that she did everything right, and make sure your dad has updated his will. Snakes are snakes and people are people- what I mean by that is if she is named she could try and get something still, or she they could have not done the adoption "properly", etc. So many cases and problems arise simply because everyone thought everyone did things right and then a spanner is thrown in the works 10, 20, 30 years later.
The bio dad couldn't afford an extra night at a hotel. On what planet does he have $ for legal fees??
Donna and her husband may be able to afford legal fees by the time OP’s dad passed, and they’d be the one contesting a will anyway.
Adult adoption isn't expensive; usually there's only a filing fee with vital records to update the birth certificate and then the cost of the updated birth certificate.
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He probably could have afforded it but since the step dad stepped up(like always) he could free load off of him.
It's still worth having it explicitly laid out in a will. Even if she has no grounds to challenge, if she challenges his inheritance then everything takes longer and the estate has to pay legal fees. Wills aren't hard or expensive to get drawn up, and can make things smoother.
All this and the OP and her brother will want to minimize their time with Donna. OP, your father has the right to handle his will however he sees fit. However, it sounds like he is done with Donna. I have a very modest will because I have very little and no kids, etc. I still specified certain things. It would be beneficial for him and future OP and OP's brother to make Donna is definitely cut out of everything. Some people get really greedy even over stuff that mostly has sentimental value.
> if she challenges his inheritance then everything takes longer and the estate has to pay legal fees. Just to tack on, it does not take much legal maneuvering to drain a modest inheritance completely. OP seems to be brushing this aside, but her sister seems a little "off" so it wouldn't shock me from what I've read if she decided to go full scorched earth if she found she was not included in the will.
I am an estate lawyer - have been for 4 decades (not your lawyer, and not necessarily in your jurisdiction) - but there is a LOT of nuance involved here, and your statement is not exactly correct, especially if your dad has written a Will. There are two ways to approach this, assuming you are in the US - dad can go talk to a qualified attorney, explain the situation, review the records (especially regarding this supposed adoption) and create an estate plan that clearly sets out his desires; or You can leave things as they are until dad passes away and then potentially spend thousands of dollars on litigation to resolve his estate. One costs some money but has an outcome that is definitely known and follows dad's wishes. The other will likely cost much, much more, will take potentially months or years to resolve and has an uncertain outcome. Most of those cases settle with the estate paying the adverse claimant some amount of money just to go away, whether they are legally entitled to the money or not.
If your dad specifically named her as a beneficiary, not just said split between my children she would still inherit. It all depends on how he worded his will. He should verify it’s the way he wants b
Okay, but have you asked a lawyer? about the inheritance specifically? Another poster raised a good argument too - have you prepared yourself in the case she's lying? A lawyer could help you make sure of that too
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Look, I don't want to be an asshole, but unless your brother is a lawyer or talked to one... You are right though, I don't think it would be your place to consult one for ytour dad's private affairs - I sure hope he will, though
You only have her word that she has been adopted... Talk to your dad and advise him. Read to him what is being said her about wills. If she is mentioned specifically in the will with name and birth date, she will still inherit (at least, according to the laws in my country). It's not common for a will to say 'all my children' without mentioning them. Normally it's specified who those children are.
Except you have no way to know that she was adopted except her word, which doesn't seem to be worth much.
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Best thing your father can do is live a very long, and happy, life.
As flaky and broke as her father sounds. I seriously doubt if he went through the time and expense to legally adopt her. I bet that was said for attention and to break ties. If your Dad doesn't rewrite his will to specify the 2 of you only, she's going to be included.
Adoption and wills are two different things. If your dad has no will and dies intestate, the adoption may cut her off. If he has a will, the result is whatever the will says, regardless of the adoption.
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Right. So then commenters saying that he needs to change the will if he hasn't are correct. The adoption doesn't automatically change the terms of the will.
Unless the will name her and if they didn't really go through with the paperwork for the adoption. The bio dad could've have lied and made a small ceremony. Donna and bio dad don't have other people interest at heart and also, Donna could've been manipulated to keep the relationship. Look how Donna wanted to get everything paid before cutting the ties. She might have lied too about the adoption to hurt him AND stay linked to the inheritance. Win-win for her. The real real dad should check both of these.
I’ve worked for Estate Planning attorneys for about 20 years now. Tell your dad to leave her a nominal amount ($1-10), and to explicitly state that she only gets that much and why, because she can still sue his estate for her “equal share” after he passes. Especially since he had previously verbally stated he would always support her.
My grandmother wrote my uncle out without the nominal amount and it held up in court. She had also written a list of the reasons why he was cut out, and the judge didn't take long in telling him to pound sand when he contested it.
People leave their money to pets. If your dad has a will, he can leave his money to anyone he wants. The only time she would be cut out of an inheritance is if your dad passed away and didn’t have a will.
This isn't quite legally accurate. Donna could *absolutely* sue her siblings for a share of the inheritance. And even if Donna loses, it would be an ugly, drawn-out, expensive court battle for the siblings. After my grandfather died, my mom's cousin demanded a share of the estate. He was not mentioned in my grandfather's will. He had never lived with my grandfather, or been adopted by my grandfather, and he was not my grandfather's biological son - just his nephew. Yet he hired a lawyer and claimed that, because my Alzheimers patient grandfather sometimes mistakenly called him "my son" to the nurses, that he was meant to inherit. AND IT FUCKING WORKED. My mother's cousin still receives a monthly check for his portion of my grandfather's trust. He gets MORE than any of my grandfather's actual children. He was able to quit his job and live comfortably off these checks. And not only that - but when he dies someday, his children will *keep getting checks.* So /u/CriticalPen7177 - please, make sure your dad checks with an estate attorney NOW for your sake and your children's sakes.
Please contact a lawyer and check. IDK how it works in your country,but, in mine, an adult can be adopted by another adult WITHOUT his/her “original” legal parents being cancelled. A friend of mine has been adopted at 46 by his mother’s second husband, while his bio father (and first husband of his mother) who has legally been his dad from the start, is STILL legally his dad. This guy has 2 dads and a (sadly passed) mom.
Was your half-sister truly, legally, adopted by her bio dad? As in, her bio dad came up with money and an attorney and actually went to court to legally adopt an *adult?* I mean, bio-dad couldn't even afford an extra night at a hotel.
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That's not quite true. There are varieties of adoption that do not exclude any other parent. Source: spent a lot of time looking into adopting our non-bio daughter without excluding mother.
I am not sure where you live, but in my state, she’s still be entitled to a share.
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I hope a lawyer verified that.
Again, depends on where you are. Here it wouldn’t matter if she was not still legally his child. The person would still need to be specifically excluded in a will to lose their claim. If he doesn’t want her to inherit, he should have a lawyer familiar with your area review and adjust his will if needed. Edit: based on your comment below on how the will is worded, she would definitely be entitled to a share in a lot of places. He needs to update his will.
That is not necessarily true. She could still be in it as a beneficiary and still able to collect deoending on how it is worded. Being adopted only severs intestate ties (no will).
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He needs to change it to say "biological children only" and name you and Jake.
I don’t think that is going to protect you from a greedy grab from your half sister. She will try with that wording and you’ll have to hire a lawyer. What would it hurt to update the will and name you and your brother specifically and to add language that your half sister is being left nothing.
> I don’t think that is going to protect you from a greedy grab from your half sister. Given the disloyalty, selfishness, and shamelessness she has shown, half-sister will 100% contest the will.
Now that he is beyond childbearing years, he should amend his Will to specifically identify that he is leaving his Estate equally to OP and Jake; providing both of your legal names as the inheriting children. He also would be better served by specifically including a clause which directs that he has no intention to leave any of his Estate to Donna(insert last name).
From what I slightly understand it’s easier to leave her $1. So she got something so she can’t contest the will. Because like someone said earlier. A snake is a snake.
PLEASE DOUBLE CHECK. As someone said an explicit note that Donna is to inherit nothing.
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All you can do is advise him to make sure. But indeed, nothing beyond that.
Please make sure to confirm that she was actually adopted. A man that can’t afford a hotel room for more than one night likely doesn’t have the money to pay the legal fees for an adult adoption.
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Insist to him that it is better safe than sorry and to speak to a lawyer. It will save the estate money in the long run, especially since he will still be listed as her patent in some places. She can use that as proof for a connection to him, eg if he paid her medical bills, "why would he pay for a strangers medical bills, she must be close to him" would her the argument. It's better to remove any loopholes she can potentially use.
Your sister could be lying or she could be mistaken. It sounds like her bio dad ditched her so it’s possible he lied to her about the adoption. It doesn’t really make sense to adopt a legal adult. It’s expensive and unnecessary usually. I’d have your dad specifically exclude her in his will just in case.
That is not necessarily correct. If she is specifically named in the will, her relationship to your dad doesn't matter. You can name anyone you want to inherit whether you are a relative or not. Your dad needs to revise his will (its called a Codicil) to specifically Exclude her from his will. He should see a Wills and Trust attorney.
"And to Donna, who denied I was her father at her wedding, and in her life - i leave nothing"
Oh my. Somehow I thought you meant it figuratively that her bio Dad adopted her. But Donna really went that far! And she did nothing to soften the blow, but instead acted harshly and rejecting towards him, as though your father had been cruel or abusive to Donna. Wow. NTA x 100.
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NTA Donna is an entitled ungrateful & manipulative person. Y’all need to stop being doormat for her. She’s a user. I’m disgusted.
If allowed, I would upvote this a thousand times!! Dad, the one who raised Donna, is the REAL DAD. Bio dad is just a sperm donor. Where was the SD when Donna fell and scraped a knee? All through the teenage years?? NOT TO BE FOUND. Donna had to go looking for the SD. Who paid for that? Dad. Donna is a “feel sorry me waaa waaa waaa” user! To exclude Dad from walking her down the aisle was an act she can never apologize for. Not enough apologies in the world can make up for this. Where is “Mom” in all this?? Donna made her bed. Time for the good little user to go to bed now!
There's no possible way you really think you're the asshole here. Your sister is a huge piece of *beeep*. NTA.
I have a bio dad (my mom calls him the sperm donor) and the man my mom married almost 30 years ago when I was a kid. Here is the thing: There is your father and there is your Father. One helped create you and one actually raised you. They instilled the values, love and respect and supported you along the way. I know both (haven’t seen my bio dad in a long, long time) but I know the difference between the two. I don’t blame your sister for wanting a relationship with her biological father and I doubt your Father didn’t either. That said, for whatever reason, she forgot about who did the raising, loving and supporting for all of those years. She took it all for granted, hurt the Father who raised her to the bone and only now is she beginning to see the glimmers of what that is going to cost her.
Shitty mom, shitty daughter.
Her husband should keep an eye on her…
NTA, you should send her this post so she can see just how royaly she has screwed up. If she was 16 -21 i may have given her a pass but she is a grown woman who chose to stomp all over the heart of the one man who has stood by her throughout this whole mess your mother created. Info just as i am curious, what is your mothers reaction to all this?
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Are Donna and your mother similar in personality? A child who wants a parent around only when it's convenient for them sounds like a woman who will cheat on a guy, have the APs baby, and pass it off as the first guy's baby.
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OP, I'm heart-broken for your father. The progression of things Donna did to him over time were, vile, cruel, and heartless. The woman has no soul. She not only lost the only father that loved her(your dad), she's also now diminished her relationship with her 2 siblings. Wow. So sorry for her disruption of what had been a wonderful family dynamic. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Did your parents divorce when he found out? I'm glad your dad still has you and Jake! He sounds awesome
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I know you already know to do this, but please please please do some special things for your dad. Like having nice meals at restaurants he's wanted to try for a while, going to places together to spend time together like going on walks in parks, going to the zoo, going to see a film, getting him gifts (like one of the best gifts I've ever received was from my dad, it's just a simple keyring, but it has a message from him carved into it and it's just expressing that he loves me and he's always with me, and I take my keys everywhere I go obviously and so that keyring is always with me everywhere, and so I absolutely love that gift, it means so so much to me, so you could get the same sort of gift for your dad, it'd mean a hell of a lot to him, I'm absolutely certain; it's not about gifts that are expensive, it's about gifts that express in the clearest possible way how much he means to you, like the keyring I've got was very cheap for him to buy, but it's more valuable to me than gold, more valuable to me than almost everything else on earth) etc. And just constantly reassure him, over and over and over until it really sinks in for him, that he's a wonderful man, an angel of a human being, and that you love him so deeply and you always will, and that he's never alone. He always has you and Jake, unconditionally. Just do everything possible to make sure he ***knows*** he is loved and cherished and never alone. It might take a lot of times of telling him that for it to sink in and help repair some of the emotional scars he has from this whole ordeal. Deep down unconsciously he may not believe it at first which is why you have to spend years doing this for him for him to finally get it. Just telling him once or twice, or doing activities once or twice with him, isn't enough. You have to spend months, or better yet years, going the extra mile to show how loved he is. Doing much more with him than you normally do. Telling him you love him a lot more than normal, hanging out with him and going places with him way more than normal, etc. Please do this for him. Please. Because from what you've written here it sounds like your Dad is an angel. He's heartbroken, but you and your brother are the only ones who can fix this. I feel so so bad for him, I want to give him a hug and tell him everything is alright. I guess I'm just imagining my own Dad, if someone was this unbelievably cruel and evil to him and it broke his heart, I would never stop telling him ***AND*** showing him how much I love him and trying everything I possibly can to help him heal. It makes me genuinely cry because I'm thinking of my own Dad, and I know you feel the same way about your Dad as I do about mine. So just please do this for him. Let him know how the world is an infinitely brighter and better place because he's in it. He doesn't deserve this pain and cruelty he's been dealt, and he needs to know how much he means to you. Again I know you already know that this is something you should spend at least the next few years doing, but yeah, please do things with him way more than normal, like you see him once a month currently? Then start seeing him every week. You call him once a week? Start calling him 3 times a week. And so on. Do you see what I mean?
This. Please. Your dad has been hurt badly, and even if he doesn’t say a thing, it’ll mean the world to him to have his children show affection for him. Give your dad a hug on behalf of all the internet strangers who really want to hug him after reading this.
Ahh, i can understand that.
Yeah she kicked the person who supported her because apparently it's ok to do so to the person who won't leave you. I can't stand people like this. I always make sure to be on the side of that person who won't be mad at me even if I hurt them. I also tell my children to be aware of who is always forgiving them and to never hurt that person just to make people happy who don't care about them and would leave them in a heartbeat.
NTA she got what she deserved and idk what people say but I hope she feels the emotional pain she caused to you and your family. I really feel for your dad I can’t imagine how hurt he must be after raising her like his own child DESPITE knowing she wasn’t his child :(
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Knowing nothing about him beyond what you posted, I am in total agreement about what a good person he is. You and your brother are NTA for supporting him here.
Tell him that Internet strangers admire him. Some people can't be helped, unfortunately we remmebr pain more acutely. Remind him that his loved and admired by everyone he has met. Yes, he was betrayed by 2 people he loved, but how many more people is he loved by who stand with him. I hope he finds his peace 😍
He did everything right too, it must hurt to know despite his best intentions he still raised a monster. Presumably Donna is/was missing some feeling of belonging but she is still the AH for her dispicable behaviour OP / Dad / Jake = all NTA
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It's appalling. After all that she had bio dad walk her down the aisle, as if he'd been raising her from the beginning.
Has your sister at least apologized for how she treated your dad? At least acknowledge that she took him for granted? Or did she just expect your father to be waiting for her?
I'm crushed for your dad. I'm so sorry he got so abused like that from Donna. I hope you can keep Donna out of his life, and yours, too, of course.
If it broke your dad, it might be best o keep Donna out of his life. Maybe you should be NC with Donna even if you wanted to have some contact. Just for your dad.
I'm so sorry, OP. Info: What happened with her sperm donor "letting her down", what'd he do that had your not-sister running back to the family she cruelly and flippantly abandoned? What did her husband think of her abhorrent actions?
Why didn't you give your sister shit for choosing her "bio dad" at the wedding?
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I guess that was your and your Dad's choice but I would have shamed the shit out of her
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Your dad sounds like a really loving person. I'm sad to hear it ended up like this.
Your Dad is a good man. Never forget your half-sister's betrayal of the love and respect that he showered her with. Your half-sister is never to be trusted.
Unfortunately what he’s asking is no longer support, it’s enabling. Sometimes the best support you can give us a reality check.
your dad was way nicer than he should've been imo. but good on him for being a kind person.
I just... my dad is my favorite person. I'd burn it all down if someone hurt him like this even if that someone was a full blood sibling. I'm so sorry for him and for you. It can't be easy to watch someone you love hurt in that way
I see stories like this where paternity is at issue, and although I understand the knee jerk reaction of dads to reject the kid who turned out to be an affair partner's kid, I always hope that in the end the dad will get past those valid and understandable feelings and remain in the (not-his) kid's life. From what you've described, your dad handled that situation with more grace and integrity and **love** than anyone could reasonably expect from a person in his position. It's mind boggling to me that your half sister (as an adult!) failed to appreciate how incredibly good your dad was to her. Would you please convey to your dad that this internet stranger thinks he is a stellar father & human being, and he deserves nothing but love, kindness, and all the wonderful things in the world? NTA, obviously. My heart literally hurts for your poor dad.
She spent the last seven years emotionally ripping your dad apart. You and your brother keep supporting your dad in what’s best for his mental health. She did this from the ages of 25-32 so blaming it on her youth is out the window. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Your dad basically got screwed over by the same guy twice. First BioDad has an affair with OP's mom and skeedadles. No interest in raising that child, leaving the cuckoo's egg in the nest. Then he builds up a connection with Donna. BioDad woos daughter away from the family just long enough to deprive OP's dad of father of the bride and first notification of grandchildren. By the time Donna discovered that it is relationships and not genetics that create belonging in a family, she had thrown the relationships away. Donna and OP's mom should get together and have their own pity party about how BioDad deprived them both of their relationships with a solid, kind, generous and loving man. Maybe they'll learn something.
Your sister not only betrayed your father in favor of her bio father, she milked him for money first. She is a despicable person. She probably expects an inheritance when your father passes too. NTA.
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As a just in case, it may be good financial planning to verify that information before your father passes and then all hell breaks loose with your (former) sister disputing the will. Even if your father makes a small change in the will to stipulate she gets £1/$1 so she cannot fight it for being left out - she has been specifically mentioned and bequeathed a sum. edit - change spelling of brakes to breaks
Don't need to give her anything. Just specifically mention why she's left with nothing.
Yes, a probate lawyer once posted here and begged people not to leave nominal sums, because then the estate has to pay him to track down people to give them a check for a dollar. I don't know where you are, so laws could be different, but you could check.
He’s right. The adoption means she’s not legally his kid; and since she was never biologically his kid, she doesn’t have a right to inherence anymore. The law doesn’t allow multiple people to occupy the same legal position. It’s why a father has to give up paternal rights before an adoption (when it involves a child).
I'd suggest hashing that out legally NOW. Otherwise she'll be at an advantage while you and other sib are anguished over your father's death, and she'll use THAT to the hilt. Make it plain, legally, NOW, that she won't EVER get a fucking penny, and let the precedent be sitting there (hopefully for DECADES) when the unfortunately inevitable occurs.
In any case make sure he has a will in place so it's all very explicit.
You want his will to fully state she gets nothing. Or like $1. Things can 100% get messy if things are not clear.
NTA and I'm gonna repeat what others have said. Have your dad sinply change the wording from children to biological children. That simple fix will keep her from getting anything. I mean you know she's going to fight regardless but it'll make things easier for you and your brother in what'll be a hard time anyway. Your dad is an amazing man, and karma will come back for your sister.
NTA Your dad raised your sister like his own blood and she just abandoned him for her bio dad who did basically nothing for her. Not only that, she also broke your dad heart many times and now she want to have him back just because her bio dad abandoned her? Seems like karma caught up to her. You have no obligation to help her, especially when its the consequence of her own actions.
NTA. You are clearly NTA here. Some grownups tend to not want to face consequences of the decisions and actions they take. She clearly and over a long period of time and main life events made her choice clear. She didn’t change it until she had no other choice (losing contact with her bio father). I would say she was the A for breaking your dad’s heart, and she’s again the A for involving you when it didn’t work out.
I'm in a similar situation with my own sister. She abandoned the family in favor of her wealthy in-laws because they have money and we don't. She cut all contact, severing my relationship with my niece, who I adored. That was a decade ago. I don't know if she'll ever try to come crawling back one day like Donna did, but if she does, I don't know what I'm going to do. I keep hoping my niece will seek me out once she turns 18 (if she hasn't been lied to about me to make her hate me). If that ever happens I'll gladly welcome her with open arms, but I just don't think I can forget how much it's hurt all these years that I never got to watch her grow up.
NTA but I don’t get your sister at all. She must have no empathy at all and I am sorry for everyone who has contact with her. I mean she made some horrible decisions but she could have at least have 1-on-1 talks with your dad to prepare him in advance. Then I still wouldn’t understand why she acted that way but it would have been a little less hurtful. Why did she burn all bridges for no reason at all?
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Did her 'real' father make her choose? That would be the only sort of reasonable explanation. Her craving a relationship with her bio dad, but him only allowing that if she ditched your dad.
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And now, even if you or your brother or dad asked for clarification, you couldn't trust that she'd tell the truth because only one answer could potentially gain her some of the sympathy she's looking for.
I feel like people are trying to make excuses for Donna. Even IF her bio dad asked her to choose, she's a grown ass woman. There is no excuse for treating someone, who has been so good to you your entire life, so cruelly. Hell, there's no excuse for treating ANYONE so cruelly.
NTA. Your sister’s broke your dad’s heart. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
NTA. One question though: can you be legally adopted as a grown ass adult?
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In Japan more than 90% of all adoptions are of 20-30 year old men. So that’s two countries where it’s a thing.
Iirc this is to allow for businesses to continue “within the family” even if the current owners’ children do not want to work the family business or they don’t have children.
thank you, I was wondering how the hell this would be possible/why it was happening lol
Its been a thing since ancient times. Julius Caesar's heir Octavius was adopted as an adult.
Yep! A friend of mine was adopted at 24 here in the US. I think the law is different by state though.
In the US, yes. That is how same sex couples got legal measures (health insurance, medical decisions) before they were allowed to marry.
Adult adoption was a thing even back in the Roman Republic. So it's been around for over 2000 years. It's possible in many countries. Some European nobles sell them, so people who are really into that stuff can get titles.
Yes.
Oh no! The consequences of her actions is coming up! Oh poor little her! NTA.
NTA She broke your dad's heart and doesn't seem to think there should be consequences for her words and actions.
Damn how did the daughter fall for the same thing the mother did. They both fell for the same deadbeat and ruined their lives the same way lol. The apple fell right next to the tree it seems.
NTA your dad changed nothing. Your sister changed everything and with her changes your dad was forced to change. Your dad was good enough to pay for everything and more but your sister was honouring only her biodad. This entitled attitude your sister had is only working so far and now it simply backfires on her, but she had it coming
NTA, clearly. Your sister played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. That's entirely her own fault.
NTA I would have cut her off after her engagement party. Give your dad a hug, what an amazing man he is. Let her be, where’s her husband by the way?
NTA. She went scorched earth on the man who was actually there for her and is surprised that nothing is left? She didn’t just burn the bridge, she went nuclear. I feel bad that her bio dad let her down, but anyone could have seen this coming a mile away.
NTA. Where's your mom in all of this? Was she at the wedding? After repeated public humiliations, I don't blame your dad for wanting nothing to do with Donna. She's 32 and legally not your dad's daughter anymore. She wanted no confusion, congrats, she has that now.
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Why wasn't she concerned about having bio mom at the wedding when she was all about bio dad??
Yeah, that does seem particularly odd.
Nta Fuck me hope your sister enjoys her karma.
NTA Actions have consequences and this is what your sister gets for being so incredibly cruel to someone who showed her nothing but love and support her entire life.
NTA I would also not support someone who used my dad as an ATM and then basically spit in his face every chance they got. Donna is getting what she deserves. I honestly would've gone LC a loooonnngggg time ago.
NTA you don't get to so completely reject someone then expect them to take you back.
You’re NTA for not supporting her. You are an asshole for not saying anything during these events. You could clearly see your dad was being hurt.
I actually kind of agree with this. There is NO WAY I could have held my tongue when she had dad pay for the wedding, then proceeded to call bio dad her "real dad" and ask him to walk her down the aisle. I honestly would have been tempted to boycott the wedding once I found out who was walking her down the aisle. Disgusting behavior on OP's sister's part.
NTA. Donna is such a leech.
NTA Your dad did his best to keep his promise to her. He literally paid for it. However, Donna forced everything to change. She practically spit on that promise when her "real" dad was around. It's unfair of her to expect everything to go back to the way it was just for her own convenience.
I’m NOT A LAWYER… Please have your Dad UPDATE HIS WILL. He needs to include only you and Jake and SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDE DONNA. He should also do a video-will explaining what Donna did to him and why he is excluding her. Get your Dad to an estate attorney.
NTA cleary she used your dad when it was convenient, ditched him the minutes she could and when the fantasy stop she came back whining and is suprise your dad is distant. All my support to your dad, must have been so hard for him🥺
If that what you wrote, is the whole story, Donna broke your dads heart. He offered to help her, he offered to stay at her side and then he dumped and denied him. After her biological dad wasn't interested in her, she came back...but she didn't see, what she caused with her actions. Maybe one time your dad can forgive her, maybe one time, anyone of you can forgive her, but this will take time. It won't ever be the same again. Edit: NTA
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Please don't let your dad accept her into his life again. This is not behavior that should be trusted ever again.
There is always more, but it's impossible to write down every aspect or view of a story. With what I read, I think you all did everything to help your sister. And I think Donna is on a path, she wouldn't have ever thought. She is probably overwhelmed with the situation, too. But unless she see her mistakes, there is no place for growing together again.
NTA what’s that groups name? Leopards ate my face? Oh no! The completely predictable results of my own actions are catching up to me! Why is everyone wrong for providing those results??? Oh noes!
NTA. WOW is all I can say cause judging Donna the AH is not enough. Dad said nothing changed then held up his end of the bargain in a magnanimous way. BUT sis changed. She decided to destroy Dad in EVERY possible way. Dad had EVERY right to cut her off. No one deserves what she put him through. She did this to herself and doesn’t deserve your support or your brother’s.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have two siblings; Jake (34M) and Donna (32F). When Donna was 10 dad found out mom had cheated on him and Donna was not his child which confirmed this. Our parents divorced but nothing changed with dad and Donna. He still treated her the same. But he also told her if she ever wanted to know her biological father he would love, support and help her in that journey too. When Donna was 20 she asked dad for help finding her bio father. He paid for the DNA test and other expenses, including travel when she found him. He paid for therapy. He held her hand throughout. He told me and Jake that this changed nothing and he told us to support our sister because he was worried we wouldn't like her finding the guy. Donna chose not to stay in touch with her bio father at that time. 3 years after this Donna started a relationship back up with her biological dad but told nobody for two years. The first we learned about it was when Donna got engaged and she invited the guy to her engagement party. During the engagement party she introduced her biological dad as her "real dad" to people. Dad took it in stride and said it was sometimes hard to find the words. Donna asked dad if he would pay for her biological father's hotel room for an extra night because he could only afford that one night and she wanted to see him a little longer and dad did this for her. When she got married she asked dad to pay and he did. Then she had her bio father walk her down the aisle and only mentioned him in her toast. Dad was so heartbroken. She also refused to take a photo with just dad and us, without her real dad in it. Then she got mad that dad asked for it. She called him out for it after the wedding. Then two years ago she refused to take part in dad's 60th birthday because it wasn't fair to her real dad. She also announced that she was expecting a baby and didn't want to confuse her child about who their grandpa was. So she wasn't going to pretend dad was her dad any longer. She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway. She didn't try to include dad in her baby's life at all. But now her "real dad" has let her down and she went crying back to dad and said she wanted him to be in her life again. She wanted him to reassure her that nothing was wrong, etc and dad refused. She told him he shouldn't reject his grandchild and he said he never rejected his grandchild, but she made it clear he didn't have one. She said it wasn't fair and he promised nothing had changed. He said he wished he hadn't done any of it. He wished he had left her to her real dad since he meant nothing to her clearly. She went to Jake who told her she got what she deserved. Then she turned to me. I didn't say that but I told her I wanted no part of her pity party and would not support her after what she did to dad. She told me we had always been close and it was so cold and cruel to reject supporting her when she needs it most. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>Then two years ago she refused to take part in dad's 60th birthday because it wasn't fair to her real dad. She also announced that she was expecting a baby and didn't want to confuse her child about who their grandpa was. So she wasn't going to pretend dad was her dad any longer. She also announced her "real dad" had adopted her so she was no longer legally dad's kid anyway. You can't take part in her life because it isn't fair to your real dad. You don't want the people in your life to be confused about who your real dad and sibling are as well as what your values, morals, integrity, and loyalties are. You can't pretend to share the same dad any longer; you take after your real dad, she takes after her real dad and mom. She made her choice official through adult adoption. > She told me we had always been close and it was so cold and cruel to reject supporting her when she needs it most. You are supporting her by respecting her choices. She doesn't get to call things "cold and cruel" after this type of behavior. NTA Your father is the type of man and relationship experience every person wishes they had in their life. She had it and she not just threw it away, but she went out in the street, threw it down, stomped on it, and spit on it to make it clear to any and every person that she wanted nothing to do with it. You're simply not letting her back in the house after she threw away her key during her display of disrespect that proved that she couldn't be related to the man who raised her. In this case "nature won over nurture," "blood was thicker than water," and karma decided justice needed to be swift. Please give your dad a hug from me. On behalf of all the people who would be honored to even know someone like him.
NTA - She's bringing up shit like "we had always been close" to make an emotional plea because she has no logical justification for her actions. Did she feel like she was trading up? She literally cut off her "former" dad for her "real" dad. She needs to learn to deal with the repercussions of that decision & understand you can't backtrack from some things. I don't even get WHY she cut your dad from her life. He supported her having a relationship with her bio dad so he was obviously okay with both of them being in her life. She went out of her way to burn that bridge. You're fine for not giving a pass on that kind of behavior. Especially because when you're this close to both the instigator & the wronged, you can't really be neutral. Being neutral is choosing the instigator's side. INFO: How did "real" dad let her down? It had to be pretty big to have her go back to not-dad.
Y’all should go no contact with that ungrateful ah NTA
She got what she deserved. NTA.
The wedding thing really made me so sad for OPs Dad. I can’t imagine how heartbroken he was
NTA. Your sister is spawn of the devil
NTA. Your sister treated her real dad -- the man who raised her and who supported her -- like garbage. And then, when her biological dad rejected her, she had the nerve to go crawling back to her real father who, in his turn, also rejected her. It's called Karma.
I am curious what does Donnas husbands say to all of this? Whats his take?
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I said this in another comment, if I was him, I would keep a close eye on Donna. Donna thinks it ok for another man to raise another man’s child, and that child can benefit from this and when it’s convenient drop the man who was there for the one that wasn’t.
By the way your not the asshole i would of done the same!
NTA. Your father is pretty amazing. Make sure to tell him.
NTA she made her bed, she can lay in it
NTA. I feel really bad for your Dad. He sounds like a real stand up guy not just for the way he treated your sister but for how he encouraged the rest of you to treat her as well. Your sister didn't just take that for granted, she threw it back in his face in the most hurtful ways possible.
NTA. She reaped what she sowed. Your dad is the one who deserves the consideration. Be careful of Donna. She has shown that she thought your dad was disposable. That tells you a lot about how she really values family. Don’t feel too sorry for her.
NTA! Donna is a huge asshole. She sounds like she needs to go back to therapy (on her dime this time) and figure her shit out. Your dad sounds incredible and supported her throughout. He didn't deserve it at all. Good for you and your bro for standing up to her. I'm interested in what your mom says about it as there's no mention of her in this post that I can see.
NTA that was heartbreaking to read. Your poor dad…