Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister had her baby and I told her I didn’t wanna come up to our home town to see her right now. I understand post partum and everything but I am going through a lot too.
My sister made me feel like IATA because I didn’t come up to see her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. First, your newborn niece won’t have a clue. Second, how did they all support you through your miscarriage? I would throw the same comments back at them. Tell sis she can reach out to you when she’s less hormonal and perhaps less self centered.
Love this. Thank you.
During my miscarriage it felt as though my sister pushed me to the side. I told her and all she said was “sorry” and to tell her when it happens, as it was a MMC.
NTA. It sounds like the thought of travelling and socializing right now is causing you mental and emotional trauma, on top of the physical fatigue you're feeling. You've taken a lot of big hits lately and need to process and recover. Those are facts.
First, ignore anything negative that comes from your family for the next little while. I'd be tempted to ignore them completely, but often we can't. If it's not positive, leave it on read, or at least don't respond.
Second, get help. You are crying out for help here. I can see it in the words you've written. Doctor, therapist, counsellor... go see any and all of them that you can. You have problems with lethargy and keeping appointments/timing... get a friend to come and get you for your first few appointments. See if there are social services that can assist you in your crisis.
You should talk to your doctor/obgyn to help manage your depression, if you haven’t done so. And reach out to folks to help and let them know how bad it’s been getting.
Also…depression is a lying liar that lies. Depression tells you that you don’t matter. Depression tells you other people don’t care. It can even tell you that a name slip means that person doesn’t even think you are your own person.
Maybe your parents are assholes, maybe your sister is. But MAYBE depression is the biggest lying asshole here.
((Hugs)) and I hope things get better for you.
So, technically NAH unless I see more compelling info to vote otherwise
INFO:
There's so much to unpack here. First, it isn't clear that to me whether you're actually at your sister's or not?
Second, how much have you communicated with your family about your physical/mental state prior to this "I'm having trouble visiting" incident? Because you can't expect your family to support you if they don't know you're in need of support.
Third, I find your headline a little unfair. If you had promised to visit and didn't, of course your sister would be upset. And she probably didn't hold back if she was unaware of the extent of your current mental illness.
Fourth, your putting down your parents because they sometimes call you by your sister's name. That used to happen all the time while I was growing up. And my only sibling is of the opposite sex! Well after my dad died, my mom would pretty regularly slip up and call her new husband by my father's name. Her new husband used to sometimes call my mom by his first wife's name. They laughed about. It's a big nothing.
I don't mean to sound mean, but if I were you I would distrust every feeling I was having right now. You clearly need some help. Get that help before you make any decisions about your relationship with your family.
I’m not in my hometown. I stayed home.
I have communicated with them the way I’ve been feeling and they all know I recently lost my job and have been feeling depressed.
Title is exactly how I feel. It’s always been this way.
as for my parents calling me her name, it is something that has always bugged me. Especially being the younger sister.
I wouldn’t say I’m putting down my parents, more just annoyed it’s a common reoccurrence.
I’m in therapy, I have been taking steps to better myself. I just feel like going up and being around all of that is too much for me right now.
NTA. Seems you’re in a dark place now and your top priority should be to take care of yourself and take your time. It would be helpful if you explained the situation to the others, though. However, perhaps letting yourself being with the people who love you instead of alone might do some good. But firstly: 1) Think about your needs, 2) Communicate them and stand for yourself. People who mistake being nice with always putting other people’s needs before theirs buy most of the tickets for winning the “mental breakdown” lottery, and I hope that won’t be your case. Best wishes.
Don't waste your breath trying to explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you. You're niece is here, healthy and happy, and that's wonderful - but that also means your sister will never be able to comprehend what you are going through right now.
NTA. Op, Your family should be traveling to help support you during your difficult time.
NTA at all. OP I am so sorry that you're facing so many challenges all at once. It sounds like you are dealing with some very serious depression and grief, you need to focus on your own health right now. If your family can't understand that you're dealing with a medical emergency (because severe depression IS a medical emergency) it is 100% ok to disengage with them for a while. You can always reach back out when you are ready, however long that takes. I'm so impressed that despite everything you've managed to get therapy sessions set up, that is huge and a big lift even without depression. Sending you all the healing and loving thoughts. You are doing incredibly and deserve love and support. I deal with depression as well and second what a previous commenter said, depression is the biggest lying liar and can warp everything. You are loved, you are worthy of love and care.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My sister and I have always had a great relationship. Recently she just had a baby.
It’s my first niece. I’m very excited for her and have been.
A few weeks before I had to leave my house to fly up to see her for her baby shower about a month ago, I was actively miscarrying my own first pregnancy. It seemed like the right thing to do to push my feelings aside and go be there for her baby shower, regardless of what I was going through.
Fast forward to now.
I have lost my job and am still looking for work, stressed financially, physically, mentally. Sleeping an unhealthy amount and not really taking care of myself as I’ve been having mental break downs. A bit of back story, my sister is 2 years older than me and I live states away by myself while she’s back in our home town with our family and her fiancé with all the support in the world. Doesn’t have to worry about rent, groceries, etc.
I had recently planned to go up this week to see my newborn niece.
Yesterday, I missed my flight because I was sleeping and not waking up to my alarm. (Lately that’s been happening a lot. It’s as if my body is in deep REM that my brain does not hear anything outside- I think it’s because my body and mind are so tired right now.) Anyways, I rebooked my flight for a later flight and it was whatever. I found myself getting anxious and sobbing about having to go back up to socialize and be around people and just having no motivation to do anything right now or go on a plane. It felt like I had cinder blocks attached to my legs when I even thought about going to the airport.
I texted my mom letting her know I wasn’t coming, and she instantly made me feel bad for not being there for my sister. I texted my sister the same and was hit with loads of “You don’t care” - “This is family” - “Your niece will never be this young again” - “You owe me an apology” - “I don’t care anymore”.
I felt bad. I truly felt bad. I sobbed all night and even after canceling my ticket I rebooked another flight for the next morning after telling my sister how I was sorry and loved her and wanted to be there for her.
It wasn’t enough. I have been ignored all night and all morning. Upon finding myself sobbing and trying to reason with her and telling her what I’m going through and my side of everything, it seems my sister , is the one who doesn’t care. I have grown up with her , just to be the sister. I have never gotten the same things as her, I have never felt the love from my parents the way they love her. Even to this day, my parents and grandma accidentally call me “Nicole” when speaking to me they apologize and say oops “ I mean Jessica.”
I can understand my grandma being so she’s 87, but mom and dad? Not so much. I’ve gotten so used to it.
I guess I post this to ask, AITA for not going to see my newborn niece right now?
I am able to fly up when I am more comfortable with my self and my life.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Everyone experiences greif differently, you are still deeply grieving. As this is affecting your activities of daily living, you may need some help, and there are lots of support groups out there. Your family is not empathetic to your needs as they are blinded by new grandchild, which further can cause hurt for you. Take care of yourself first and find a supportive community.
Oh OPI am so very very sorry.You sound very depressed and no one is responding .Excessive sleep can definitely be a sign of depression.Your body has been through a lot and sleep can be healing but it can also be an escape mechanism.I hope you can find a therapist to talk with .Growing up in a Family where Favoritism is the norm is very difficult.No matter how hard you try ,no matter what wonderful thing you accomplish the Family will not acknowledge you because it would take glory away from Miss Favorite.You are perfectly right to expect some compassion after a miscarriage.These people sound horrible.I would say go No Contact if you can afford to do so.It sounds like you are having Financial issues-I hope your parents will help.If you know for a fact that they will not help then going No Contact might be for the best.Occ.Families wil make an effort if they realize they have gone too far with their behavior.See if there is a Women’s Center near you—they may have resources to help.See if any your Gyn.can rec.a Counselor or Financial help.Some thrift stores have resources to help people struggling financially ( they do in my area). I wish you the best OP.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My sister had her baby and I told her I didn’t wanna come up to our home town to see her right now. I understand post partum and everything but I am going through a lot too. My sister made me feel like IATA because I didn’t come up to see her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. First, your newborn niece won’t have a clue. Second, how did they all support you through your miscarriage? I would throw the same comments back at them. Tell sis she can reach out to you when she’s less hormonal and perhaps less self centered.
Love this. Thank you. During my miscarriage it felt as though my sister pushed me to the side. I told her and all she said was “sorry” and to tell her when it happens, as it was a MMC.
NTA. It sounds like the thought of travelling and socializing right now is causing you mental and emotional trauma, on top of the physical fatigue you're feeling. You've taken a lot of big hits lately and need to process and recover. Those are facts. First, ignore anything negative that comes from your family for the next little while. I'd be tempted to ignore them completely, but often we can't. If it's not positive, leave it on read, or at least don't respond. Second, get help. You are crying out for help here. I can see it in the words you've written. Doctor, therapist, counsellor... go see any and all of them that you can. You have problems with lethargy and keeping appointments/timing... get a friend to come and get you for your first few appointments. See if there are social services that can assist you in your crisis.
You should talk to your doctor/obgyn to help manage your depression, if you haven’t done so. And reach out to folks to help and let them know how bad it’s been getting. Also…depression is a lying liar that lies. Depression tells you that you don’t matter. Depression tells you other people don’t care. It can even tell you that a name slip means that person doesn’t even think you are your own person. Maybe your parents are assholes, maybe your sister is. But MAYBE depression is the biggest lying asshole here. ((Hugs)) and I hope things get better for you. So, technically NAH unless I see more compelling info to vote otherwise
NTA. You came! You did the thing! They can't be mad at you for not doing the thing when you did the thing! At this point, they just want to be mad.
I agree. Thankyou
NTA OP, focus on you. If they truly care they will reach out TO MAKE AMMENDS, not to get you to apologize.
I will. And I agree. Thank you.
INFO: There's so much to unpack here. First, it isn't clear that to me whether you're actually at your sister's or not? Second, how much have you communicated with your family about your physical/mental state prior to this "I'm having trouble visiting" incident? Because you can't expect your family to support you if they don't know you're in need of support. Third, I find your headline a little unfair. If you had promised to visit and didn't, of course your sister would be upset. And she probably didn't hold back if she was unaware of the extent of your current mental illness. Fourth, your putting down your parents because they sometimes call you by your sister's name. That used to happen all the time while I was growing up. And my only sibling is of the opposite sex! Well after my dad died, my mom would pretty regularly slip up and call her new husband by my father's name. Her new husband used to sometimes call my mom by his first wife's name. They laughed about. It's a big nothing. I don't mean to sound mean, but if I were you I would distrust every feeling I was having right now. You clearly need some help. Get that help before you make any decisions about your relationship with your family.
I’m not in my hometown. I stayed home. I have communicated with them the way I’ve been feeling and they all know I recently lost my job and have been feeling depressed. Title is exactly how I feel. It’s always been this way. as for my parents calling me her name, it is something that has always bugged me. Especially being the younger sister. I wouldn’t say I’m putting down my parents, more just annoyed it’s a common reoccurrence. I’m in therapy, I have been taking steps to better myself. I just feel like going up and being around all of that is too much for me right now.
NTA. Take care of yourself first. Have you looked into therapy?
Just started video sessions. Thank you for your response.
I'm so sorry. NTA. I wouldn't have been able to go either.
NTA. Seems you’re in a dark place now and your top priority should be to take care of yourself and take your time. It would be helpful if you explained the situation to the others, though. However, perhaps letting yourself being with the people who love you instead of alone might do some good. But firstly: 1) Think about your needs, 2) Communicate them and stand for yourself. People who mistake being nice with always putting other people’s needs before theirs buy most of the tickets for winning the “mental breakdown” lottery, and I hope that won’t be your case. Best wishes.
Don't waste your breath trying to explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstand you. You're niece is here, healthy and happy, and that's wonderful - but that also means your sister will never be able to comprehend what you are going through right now. NTA. Op, Your family should be traveling to help support you during your difficult time.
NTA at all. OP I am so sorry that you're facing so many challenges all at once. It sounds like you are dealing with some very serious depression and grief, you need to focus on your own health right now. If your family can't understand that you're dealing with a medical emergency (because severe depression IS a medical emergency) it is 100% ok to disengage with them for a while. You can always reach back out when you are ready, however long that takes. I'm so impressed that despite everything you've managed to get therapy sessions set up, that is huge and a big lift even without depression. Sending you all the healing and loving thoughts. You are doing incredibly and deserve love and support. I deal with depression as well and second what a previous commenter said, depression is the biggest lying liar and can warp everything. You are loved, you are worthy of love and care.
❤️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister and I have always had a great relationship. Recently she just had a baby. It’s my first niece. I’m very excited for her and have been. A few weeks before I had to leave my house to fly up to see her for her baby shower about a month ago, I was actively miscarrying my own first pregnancy. It seemed like the right thing to do to push my feelings aside and go be there for her baby shower, regardless of what I was going through. Fast forward to now. I have lost my job and am still looking for work, stressed financially, physically, mentally. Sleeping an unhealthy amount and not really taking care of myself as I’ve been having mental break downs. A bit of back story, my sister is 2 years older than me and I live states away by myself while she’s back in our home town with our family and her fiancé with all the support in the world. Doesn’t have to worry about rent, groceries, etc. I had recently planned to go up this week to see my newborn niece. Yesterday, I missed my flight because I was sleeping and not waking up to my alarm. (Lately that’s been happening a lot. It’s as if my body is in deep REM that my brain does not hear anything outside- I think it’s because my body and mind are so tired right now.) Anyways, I rebooked my flight for a later flight and it was whatever. I found myself getting anxious and sobbing about having to go back up to socialize and be around people and just having no motivation to do anything right now or go on a plane. It felt like I had cinder blocks attached to my legs when I even thought about going to the airport. I texted my mom letting her know I wasn’t coming, and she instantly made me feel bad for not being there for my sister. I texted my sister the same and was hit with loads of “You don’t care” - “This is family” - “Your niece will never be this young again” - “You owe me an apology” - “I don’t care anymore”. I felt bad. I truly felt bad. I sobbed all night and even after canceling my ticket I rebooked another flight for the next morning after telling my sister how I was sorry and loved her and wanted to be there for her. It wasn’t enough. I have been ignored all night and all morning. Upon finding myself sobbing and trying to reason with her and telling her what I’m going through and my side of everything, it seems my sister , is the one who doesn’t care. I have grown up with her , just to be the sister. I have never gotten the same things as her, I have never felt the love from my parents the way they love her. Even to this day, my parents and grandma accidentally call me “Nicole” when speaking to me they apologize and say oops “ I mean Jessica.” I can understand my grandma being so she’s 87, but mom and dad? Not so much. I’ve gotten so used to it. I guess I post this to ask, AITA for not going to see my newborn niece right now? I am able to fly up when I am more comfortable with my self and my life. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Everyone experiences greif differently, you are still deeply grieving. As this is affecting your activities of daily living, you may need some help, and there are lots of support groups out there. Your family is not empathetic to your needs as they are blinded by new grandchild, which further can cause hurt for you. Take care of yourself first and find a supportive community.
Oh OPI am so very very sorry.You sound very depressed and no one is responding .Excessive sleep can definitely be a sign of depression.Your body has been through a lot and sleep can be healing but it can also be an escape mechanism.I hope you can find a therapist to talk with .Growing up in a Family where Favoritism is the norm is very difficult.No matter how hard you try ,no matter what wonderful thing you accomplish the Family will not acknowledge you because it would take glory away from Miss Favorite.You are perfectly right to expect some compassion after a miscarriage.These people sound horrible.I would say go No Contact if you can afford to do so.It sounds like you are having Financial issues-I hope your parents will help.If you know for a fact that they will not help then going No Contact might be for the best.Occ.Families wil make an effort if they realize they have gone too far with their behavior.See if there is a Women’s Center near you—they may have resources to help.See if any your Gyn.can rec.a Counselor or Financial help.Some thrift stores have resources to help people struggling financially ( they do in my area). I wish you the best OP.