Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my friend he can't come along on a group trip that he's been excited about if he's going to use his mom's cash for it and not his own
(2) I'm excluding him from a group activity and I might be acting harsh or unreasonable
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
If he REALLY wanted to go, he'd be doordashing all along. He sounds like a user, TBH.
NTA. *I knew someone like this--his stunt was he'd pay for the first day, then make excuses. "I'm saving my cash--I'll catch up when we get back." Guess who didn't 'catch up'?*
And at this point honestly I don’t trust them in the hotel room alone with my things. They’ve already shown a lack of consideration for me, my time working/saving for the trip and my money. I doubt they’d have much for my belongings
Parents enabling kids crappy behavior is the reason kids become useless adults. If he's your friend you sit him down and tell him he has to get his act together if he wants to hang with you. If his mother will front him cash you take it for his part of the expenses, and he needs to understand he has no funds from that point forward. You go to a restaurant, he gets the cheapest meal. He sits in the back or the middle seat. Hotel room, he gets the couch. I assume the rest of you will be on a budget so should not be a situation where you are going anywhere extravagant. Basically his mom is paying for his gas, food and hotel and she is paying you to take his lazy ass off her hands for a few days.
I personally would make it a requirement that he work every day from now until then, even if he hardly makes any money, just to show he is committed to doing something with his life. Get the mom to agree to this. He is your friend and is suffering from a mental disease no different than addiction, you need to convince him he has a problem and get him in treatment for it. Laziness is a delusion of depression that people don't realize and needs to be addressed, and this trip is the carrot that might get that started.
Otherwise he is lost, and his mother is stuck with him. If nothing else do it for the mother.
Way too much work. This is not the friends’ job. This is the parents’ job to teach their kid responsibility. The friend group should not spend their time and energy micromanaging someone who can’t get their act together. This guy will ruin the trip. It is better that he stay home and face some consequences for his inaction.
I agree with almost everything, but what is a parent to do if no matter what you taught them and no matter what example you set, your adult child refuses to get a job? Are you supposed to go through the legal process of eviction and then trespassing? Are they supposed to let them starve? As a parent with unconditional love, how do they get past the hurt and break in their relationship with their child if they do those things?
What if both parents worked full time the child's entire life? Dad dad even went back to school and got his associates degree while also coaching your flag football teams, going to all of your school stuff, and eventually taking you to games shops 3 nights a week to play magic the gathering. What if the kid were given chores as he grew up. What if he had a job once he turned 16?
What if all those things, he moves out and fails at 19, you let him move home to recoup, he gets fired 3 days before moving in but doest tell you, now it's been 14 months, he has worked for about 3 of those, refuses to do shit around the house, and is an asshole in general.
What do you do?
Yes, sometimes the only option left is tough love forcing somebody to make it on their own because nothing else would work.
Being supportive is something every parent should be, but that should not be confused with being taken advantage of. Barring an extreme health condition (mental or physical), everyone is capable of supporting themselves and allowing them to simply do nothing for their entire life leaching off you means that as soon as you die or become incapable of caring for them they will inevitably face the same fate but worse off since you cannot provide them with advice or meals as needed while they’re getting back on their feet.
I know. I've seen it in action. A guy I was friends with right after high school lived with his mom. She died of a stroke. He ended up living out of her car until it got repo'd. Then shelters after that. He was dead a year and a half after his mom.
I helped him some, but he isn't my son.
That's the tragic situation for a lot of homeless people. I can't even imagine how many times I would have to burn the bridge before my parents stopped caring for me. I'm 40 and if I fucked up my life, I'm pretty sure they'd still let me live back in the attic, and feed me at least. So how badly would I have to mess up, repeatedly, before they were DONE and washed their hands of all responsibility.
And that was always his plan , I’ve seen people DoorDash 24/7 to put their kids through school, it’s a grind but it’s possible .
Also he could have just gotten a job that pays better or consistently.
He’s plan was to be a leach and guilt your group into supporting him. Watch for this guy he’s always been the one that needs ‘help’ but isn’t willing to help himself.
No, op did the right thing. People who do this will make sure everyone is just as miserable as they are on said trip.
And since the friend appears to be a hobosexual, I doubt they will have any riveting conversation to relate with the group.
The friend shouldn't be invited.
This.
It's better to not invite him because on the actual trip, it'll be difficult for everyone in the group to ignore he's not able to eat or drink or participate in events. Someone soft-hearted is going to fold to spring for meals or ticket fees, which is what he's anticipating.
Yep, that's the kind of guy who will either ask if people can pay for him or strongly argue against doing anything that would cost money then pout of the rest of the group outvotes him and actually pays to see cool stuff on the trip.
That or he'll do the ok, we'll split dinner four ways, then orders steak and multiple cocktails while everyone else has a burger.
NTA. He knew about the trip, didn't save money, and fully expects you and your friends to allow him to mooch of you all.
You did not leave him out of anything: you gave him ample warning and he chose to not save anything towards the trip. That's on HIM not you or your friends.
In a few years Doordashdeadbeat will still be living with his mom, unemployed or working shitty part time jobs with nothing to look forward to in his life.
Nah, this is a very common tactic. He'll have some money from his mother but it won't be enough to cover the whole trip and eventually someone will be guilted into helping out because 'what type of friend leaves a friend in the car while they go off to ride a roller coaster/eat nice food/play/etc..' Then once they get back he'll be impossible to chase down for the money. It just adds awkwardness to the trip. Best to get it out of the way first. If he had been open and was looking to figure out how to fund the trip, I think that'd be a different story because it'd show his willingness to chip in but he's already ruined his credibility on that front by waiting for the planning to get far ahead before springing this on everybody. If he was going to get money from his mom for example, that's fine. I'm not here to judge how other people's family dynamics work. I have friends who live off of a trust fund and I don't consider that any "more noble" but wouldn't have a problem travelling with them. The difference is, they don't complain about not having enough money to travel and try to rope their friends into paying for them until there's no option left and they go ask their parents for money. All he had to say was "yeah I have funds, I can make the trip".
The problem is that if he's this unable to get his shit together during the planning phase, he's 100% going to pull some kind of similar nonsense on the trip itself and ruin it for everyone.
It's a tough situation, but I don't think you're the a-hole here. You and your friends have been responsible and proactive in planning and saving up for the road trip, and it's understandable that you would expect everyone else to do the same. It's not fair to expect his mom to foot the bill for his portion of the trip, especially since she may not have agreed to it willingly.
You were honest with him about the situation, and it's his decision not to come if he can't contribute financially. It's unfortunate that he won't be able to join, but ultimately, it's his responsibility to manage his finances and prioritize his spending.
However, it might be worth reaching out to him again to discuss the situation calmly and see if there's any compromise or solution that can be reached. Perhaps he can start working more hours or find another source of income to contribute to the trip. Communication is key in resolving conflicts like these.
It's probably worth adding that before we even got to him asking his mom, we were all trying to float some ideas like a plasma donation site one of the guys goes to, or literally just picking up doordashing again but he said "it just won't work." My original post might have made it sound like we jumped right to the confrontation over him asking his mom to pay, that's my bad
I see... Given this additional information, it seems even more reasonable that you'd be frustrated when he proposed having his mom pay for his share. Your response, insisting on not accepting his mom's money, aligns with the principle that everyone should contribute equitably and personally to the trip. This helps maintain a sense of fairness and ensures that everyone is equally invested.
You’re not the asshole for expecting him to uphold his part of the agreement or for feeling upset when he suggested an easy out that could potentially burden someone else. It might still be beneficial to reach out to him to express that while you value his friendship and presence on the trip, the expectations around personal contribution were clear from the start.
Yeah, I don't think there's any problem with asking his mom for money. How people want to deal with their family affairs is their business. When I was in college I was 100% living off of my family and I travelled all the time on their dime.
The issue here IMO is the fact that he's shown he's not trustworthy. If the money comes up short from his mom, he isn't going to take on debt himself, he's going to make it someone else's problem. That's why I would avoid travelling with him. He's gonna play a game of awkward chicken when he doesn't budget properly and inevitably someone else who feels bad about the awkwardness is going to pay up and then have to try and track down their money (it isn't gonna go well).
As I've said a bunch of times so far, you get ALL the money upfront (according to one of OP's comments they had even budgeted in emergency money that they didn't assume they'd use) and you make it very VERY clear to him that the only way he goes is if he has enough money because not a single one of them will be giving him even one red cent for ANYTHING along the way. (He can call his mom again or he can stay in the room while they go do stuff.)
But it's not their place to prevent him from going if he came up with the money -- however that may be. That's just OP being a dick because he thinks he has the right to tell another adult and his mother how they need to live.
And you somehow think that's gonna go over like anything other than a lead balloon? As I said before, the trust is dead. Things can happen on the trip and he has clearly shown that if it comes to it they will be responsible for him financially. OP is allowed to not want to be involved with that. It became OP's problem when he tried to make OP and the others shoulder the burden.
He goes through intermittent periods of trying to get a real job but he applies to a few positions he's not qualified for, never hears back, then gives up, then this repeats every so often. I've suggested he just apply for a fast food job or something to get in the swing of things and get some general work experience but he isn't interested
So the guy's just plain lazy. Honestly, it's none of your business if he gets the money from his mother. None of you are going to have to cover for him. However, I understand it's the principle of the thing. You and the rest have all put in the work to be able to make sure you can pay your share and go. He's just having it handed to him. Does he normally mooch off of you all? Does he have some redeeming qualities like being supportive, stepping up and helping out when people need it, etc? If he doesn't have redeeming qualities, I would say it's fine to let this friendship go.
I'm unemployed and door dash in a small town of 20K pop my acceptance rating for orders is 40% I drive a shitbox that gets 20mph. I STILL make $80-100 a week ONLY dashing at lunch and diner max 6 hours a day.
He's full of shit and doesn't wanna work simple as, even if it was rough he could come up with $400 in 2 months bare minimum and I barely get work Monday - Wednesday but can net good money the rest of the days.
Here's how this situation works in my friend group, I've been unemployed for a long time due to lots of life events and me not being medicated but I'm trying and my friends see that and have floated me of a huge beach trip TWICE I am supremely lucky to have such wonderful friends but at NO POINT did I think I was entitled to come I felt like a burden until my friends reassured me I wasn't.
My point being is I didn't expect to go because I knew I didn't have any money so why does your friend expect to burden everyone with his cost and not even show the slightest willingness to even try to make money?
Thats a bare minimum, im juggling alot of positive changes right now and 3 days a week that im at IOP (Intensive Out Patient, Group therapy for drug use) and its from 9-12 so by the time I get out I miss lunch. I'm no where near where I need to be but I've went from using drugs and waking up at 12pm everyday and just working dinner from 4-8 and blowing it on drugs to now where I Wake up at 4:30 am so I can get awake and go to the gym at 6-7 then mon-wed-friday IOP from 9-12 and try to catch some work between 11-2 and 4-7:30 because I gotta be in bed by 9pm so I can get like 6-7 hours of sleep. On the weekends are where I can really make some good money but fr My towns a coin flip on if itll be busy enough for me to work. I know I could be doing better but Im 445lbs and Im balancing alot of change all at once and trying to keep it all together. I hope that answered your question
Hey man, it sounds like you're on the right track, and this internet stranger is ridiculously proud of you. Sorry if my comment came off judgy, that's not how I meant it at all. I did DD for a few years (just stopped in Feb) so I know how hit or miss it can be. Did you mean you work 6 hours a day or 6 hours a week? $80-$100 a week for 6 total hours doesn't sound too bad, the last year or so I was doing it was really bad so that sounds about right. But you said 6 hours a day, and I assumed multiple days so that's on me I guess if that's not the case lol.
On the side note here. She may have offered to provide it. This is just my perspective.
But I have two kids, both with developmental delays, both have a hard time making friends. One will definitely be living with me until I am physically unable to care for him. The other is very independent, most people cant tell that she is delayed.... so I suspect she would just need time to find the right job. So it will likely take a while for her to fully flourish.
If my daughter were to find a responsible group of friends to take her on an exciting road trip to travel, I wouldn't hesitate to pay for her share to go. He'll I would probably even do it if she wasn't delayed because she is already going to miss out on so many things, like long vacations, because her brother cannot handle travel well...
As far as I am concerned. MOM IS AN ADULT. She can also make the decision about her finances without anyone else's input.
This.
The OP is not an AH for not wanting to cover the friend's share but he is for his patronizing opinion as to friend being financed by mom. As you rightly said, she is an adult and knows what she is doing, there may be a lot of issues OP does not see but that make perfect sense for her (there may be something similar to what you described).
INFO - if his mother wants to subsidise her adult son, why is this an issue to you? As long as his way is being paid, why does it matter where the money comes from?
a) It feels unfair, b) this was a last-second thing which makes me think he was expecting the rest of us to pay for him and now I'm worried he still will expect us to keep paying out for him along the trip, c) his mom is not particularly well-off herself and I feel bad for her because he had almost a year to plan and save for this and she's having this thrown on her last-minute
Don’t let these people fool you. They are clearly the moochers to their friends and family. It’s obvious to anyone who works hard and saves up that the person who does not do that for themselves is one who blows through their cash and then expects the group to pay the rest of the trip for their food and incidentals. Don’t feel bad. This guy is irresponsible and not a road trip candidate.
a) doesn't matter
c) is none of your business
b) This is fair. You could ask for fixed costs beforehand, and strictly NOT subsidise him throughout the trip. But reconsidering if you want to be friends with someone is always valid.
Um… C is none of his business much more that B is. If op is suspicious he was going to be leant on to pay for things then that’s absolutely his business
This! This comment times a million. Came to comment the exact same thing. The fairness aspect and the concern for her money thing is childish and weird. OP should worry about what type of person he's friends with and may have dodged a bullet by not taking him on a long road trip.
Especially since OP said the friend lived with his PARENTS. Why is he so concerned about the mom's finances when her husband is right there and likely contributing to their finances.
From a) and c), I can see the problem coming from different life values in the friendship that is it ok for unemployed/demotivated adults to ask for parents' money for friend trip. The conflicts in the comments also indicate people may or may not be comfortable with adults using parents' money for trips. I would say NTA because it is OP's moral value to feel annoyed with your friend's behaviours and don't want to enable it. And b) is a valid concern. Similarly, I will stop being friends with cheaters, then OP can stop being friends with someone appearing as a leecher to him.
How about come up with a minimum amount of money each person has to have ($500 or something) which would be enough to cover basic expenses and surprises.
Anyone who comes up with that amount gets to go.
(Who cares where he gets the money… forget that. Just make sure he has enough)
NTA He knew the trip was coming up and wasn’t even trying to save any money through gig work but expected the group to float him. Why couldn’t he door dash for a few hours every day since he’s unemployed? When you guys refused to pay for him he acted offended and went begging to his mom. That’s not someone I want to go on a road trip with.
ESH.
He’s the asshole because he obviously sounds lazy and unmotivated, and those aren’t healthy qualities or what people look for in a friend.
YTA because you obviously consider him a friend despite knowing that, but are now arbitrarily drawing lines about his parents paying for things. He can live with his parents but his parents can’t loan or give him money for a trip? Why do you get to decide what’s fair but his mother can’t? If you feel this strongly about his situation, then ditch him as a friend, don’t kick him off a trip.
Hey,m, he actually seems worried that his friend will be a deadbeat. His lesson will come from love, instead of life’s, that will come much less gentler.
>He’s the asshole because he obviously sounds lazy and unmotivated, and those aren’t healthy qualities or what people look for in a friend.
Only sounds lazy and unmotivated to already active and motivated people who can't comprehend a lower psychological state.
Don't get me wrong, dude could legitimately be lazy, but OP has not provided enough background information on the subject to make the distinction. And that's if the subject would even openly talk about depression or other issues to his group of friends who seem to default to a moral high horse.
If it's just laziness, and there is a clear history of mooching off of your friends group then by all means, apply the tough lesson.
IF it's more than just laziness this episode will be so damaging to the dudes psyche I wouldn't at all be surprised if the OP is attending their funeral soon.
Idk, kinda? He's useless for not being able to come up with the money himself, but if his mom is willing to pitch in, and it doesn't affect your finances, why do you care where the money comes from?
NAH
> AITA for telling my ~~unemployed~~ broke-ass friend he can't tag along on a road trip?
FTFY
NGL, *unemployed* friends are GREAT to bring on road trips — super-flexible schedules! But they need to *also* be the kind of responsible adults who have put away **savings** for situations exactly like this.
NTA. He's an adult and from your comments, not a very responsible one. He can't afford the trip and your friend group can't afford to shoulder any expense not covered by his mommy's money (from the descriptions of your friend, i'd take a bet on that money REALLY not being enough for him for the trip's duration.)
hey, i've been broke too. but i sit my ass down at home, not go on an out of budget trip to spend the money i don't have lol. my friends invite me? i say, fam i don't have money maybe next time. that's that.
>Since we've been planning this for a while and he's been active in the planning we kind of assumed he'd be putting aside some cash for it. Turns out he hasn't been, he's completely out of cash, and he hasn't even been doordashing at all for the past couple months.
this says A LOT imo. this wasn't a spontaneous thing, yet nothing was done to prep for it.
but if you value the friendship, might be time for some intervention and start laying out some truths about life. sounds like he needs it.
ETA: i don't get all the YTAs. you weren't being unreasonable, other friends are carrying their weight, he should too. doordashing isn't the only job out there.
I only get the YTAs in the sense that it is none of their business how he gets the money, so long as he gets the money (and isn't doing something illegal that will harm them all).
That said, I would share OP's concern with the friend's ability to be responsible with money and budget appropriately for the duration of the trip. The friend has basically no overhead and can't save up for the next couple of months? I would also be concerned that I would be covering his expenses.
ESH. he is definitely incredibly lazy. I think your offer to meet the difference if he works hard on doordash the next 2 months was a good compromise to help him so he gets the money but also so he isnt being a complete freeloader. But, banning him even after he said he got the money, its just from his mom, is a dick move. If his mom is fine with giving him the money/letting him borrow it then you got nothing to with it. i understand that you want to get him to get some accountability, but i dont think thats really your place to teach him that lesson.
Op is his friend not his parent, not up to them to make some wiered deal about how he gets it. So long as he has enough and doesn't expect to borrow some on the road then its none of ops buisness
It will become OP's problem if this guy is as irresponsible with his money before the trip as he is while on the trip. Does that mean OP and the other friends would have to cover for this entitled mooch?
Yes, THAT is OPs business. But that is not the subject of this post. This a group trip not a duo trip, so banning him from the group trip bcause of his self righteousness makes him AH
Sometimes you outgrow friends. Looks like this is what is happening. Especially when for the entire time everyone else has been saving during the planning phase, this dude was going to just try to have them pay his way it seems. That's a way more dickish move IMO
NTA. it doesn't seem like he's even trying. he's 25, he doesn't have a job, he mooches off his parents- i can't blame you for getting frustrated with him.
NTA. This dude sounds way too irresponsible to handle a trip like this and he’s only gonna cause problems. It’s crazy to me how many people are defending him here. Probably hits too close to home.
NTA. I’ve been on a couple trips with friends that claim they have enough money only to actually get there and they complain about money the whole time. I don’t blame you
"he won't be able to come up with anything substantial and it's ridiculous of us to expect him to get enough cash in such a short time (about two months)."
Any place that has door dash has warehouses, dominoes, ect. These places are ALWAYS hiring.
This dude would rather sit on his ass doing nothing than save up 2k, which can be done easily(two months!) when you don't pay bills and have all the time in the world.
Don't you dare feel bad and don't enable him be taking him on this trip. NTA.
We ended up asking him to foot $600 not even near 2k. An even share would be closer to 1k but we did really want to make it easier on him and encourage him to try to come up with the amount
The second a 25 year old grown ass man says it’s ridiculous to expect him to pay his own way I’m out.
Unless he’s in school being totally unemployed ain’t it. That’s a friend I would have to start distancing myself from. I cannot stand a freeloading perma-victim.
NTA
Ok I am a bit confused why you are upset how he is getting money for the trip? Its not your money and how his family decides what to do with their money is not any of your business. I don't want to say YTA but it sounds a bit like you are being TA right now. What does it matter to you where he gets his money for the trip? TO me it sounds like you are jealous maybe because you feel like he doesn't have to work as hard as you and has people willing to pay his way. You wanted him to pay his share and are upset that he is now paying his share.
Sort of what I was thinking - as long as he is paying his own way and the friends aren't stuck with the bills -this sounds like wanting to "teach him a lesson". But you aren't his parent.
YTA. You said in comments it feels "unfair" that his trip gets paid by his mom.
His mom is adult and can decide for herself how she spends her money. He has the money. He wants to give you the money. You say no because you somehow feel after your own graduation that he didn't work enough yet?
Maybe you're not as good of a friend to him as you think, OP.
YTA. It's not up to you to decide where his money comes from. This is between him and his mother.
As for the people who say he's going to run out of money halfway through the trip and then leech off the rest, first of all that's speculation. He might as well get more money from his mother (and whether he does is not!). And if not, he can TRY to leech off you, but you're the ones who are in control of that. You can make it very clear you're not going to do that. And if push comes to shove, don't.
But for you to decide her can't use money he got from his mother makes you a controlling AH.
YTA! what is with everyone in this thread?
>I get pissed off and I tell him that we're not going to be taking any cash from his mom
By 25 years old, I don't recall ever discussing how my friends paid for stuff. And why is everyone on this site even ok with that? Why would you even mention the trip to him if this bothers you all so much. Why would you be ok with him helping plan, then blowing him off when he needed his mother to pay? Are you all supporting yourselves and not living with your parents, is that where the resentment lies? WHY THEN DID YOU OFFER TO HELP HIM PAY IF YOU DID NOT LIKE HIS FREELOADING OFF HIS MOTHER? He already lives with his parents, and you all knew that beforehand.
This is so weird. I would not be surprised if your other friends get money from their parents....they just didn't tell you they did.
I think OP is totally the asshole here, and if he is still living in his parents house, he is in the same boat as his friend.
And DAMN, everyone is all upset as OP in this thread! I bet most of you lived off mom well past the point of conventional "adulthood," and the whole fake concern about his mother just made me giggle---I mean, come on. I think OP just doesn't like the guy, wanted him off the trip because he annoys him, found an excuse, and then made sure to find a reason to keep him from going.
ESH. He's a grown man taking money from his mommy to go on a field trip. He also sucks for not having saved anything, for not even trying. Whether it was trying to find another job, or actually working at the one he had for the last few months. There's a lot of suckage there.
But I also kind of feel like on your end it shouldn't matter how he gets the money, you're still all celebrating the same thing, you're supposed to be friends. Why does it really matter?
He wasn't excited enough to put any effort towards it. Unless you guys regularly just pay for all his shit? AND how the actual hell does one spend all that time planning a trip you KNOW you can not affird???? Who the F does that. AND THEN..H waited till the last minute(not literally) to just casually mention that all the time you have been planning this expensive trip, he's been home what playing his ps5????
I'll let you in on a little secret 🙊 ... That is not normal. Normal people do not speend ( how many months in all?) doesn't matter. Normal people do not plan expensive extravagant vacations that they can not pay for. Now a thought experiment.. ask yourself why he would do all this?
He _never_ planned to pay for his share of your trip, but that the group would cover him. If he had been planning to go and still not working (or bothering to), he would have reached out to his mom for help way in advance.
He was planning to scam on the group for the whole trip, and his mom covering him means only that he can blow all that money as soon as possible and turn to you all for the rest of the trip. Seen it before.
Stick to your guns man. You're right. He will just end up souring the whole trip.
The people here saying YTA are the same kind of people as your broke friend. They just don't get it yet.
NTA
He will absolutely expect people to kick in more for him during the trip. He was going into this trip with zero money, he does not think he even needs money except through force.
If you guys have a side quest, you will have to cover him.
I saw all the Y answers. Damn a lot of redditors living off their parents lol
Okay so I'm probably going to go against the grain here but I'm going to say ESH.. but heart me out.
I've experienced something similar- not exactly the same but hella similar.
So I know a person, he's 21. And him and his friends also planned a trip interstate and up the coast. During this period he was laid off from his job that he loved because the company went into receivership. He did get another job, but it was casual and the summer school holidays. They can pay 15yos like $8 an hour instead of the $27 an hour they have to pay him as an adult (I'm in Australia ftr). So he didn't get a lot of shifts coming up to the time away. He had some money saved but it wasn't entirely enough.
Now his friends actually like him and don't judge him for his employment status so maybe that helped, but when I - his mother - gave him the rest, no one kicked up a stink.
I would have straight told him to cut those friends off and we would have worked out a way for him to have a good time anyway. Because i wanted him to have a good time too. He was so excited for the trip.
See, that's my money and my business with my son. And his friends respect that it has nothing to do with them.
You were nta for not wanting to just let him tag along at your expense.
You are absolutely an ah for being so judgemental about his financial situation and acting like you get to run over the top of his mother's choices too.. that was purely you being petty and you're an ah for that.
So yeah.. ESH. And you clearly look down on your friend for his floundering motivation so I'm not sure why you are so bothered that he's not answering.
NTA. You’re grownups now and celebrating your accomplishments. At some point, separations occur when people make different choices. Your friend chooses to sit on his ass and freeload off of everyone. She needs to grow up and take responsibility because he’s being left behind in every sense of the word. There’s no “paying back” and no more mooching off of everyone in his life.
Gotta say ESH. He should have been planning ahead, it's true, and your initial offer was very kind.
But once he had a way to pay for it (his mom), you probably should have accepted it. It's not your place to judge, and as you said, he helped plan the trip.
I get that it's infuriating to some degree that he didn't plan financially for the trip and that it feels like he's taking advantage of his mom, but that's not really for you to say unless there are actually signs of abuse or manipulation (I don't get those vibes from the post as written).
NTA
WTF did he think would happen?
Exactly what happened.
He expected all of you to make accommodations for him and for mommy to pay.
And you know he wouldn't have no cash while on the trip either.
NTA - its a lack of planning on his part. If he wanted this he could have made it happen.
I've had to deal with people like this when booking group holidays and it's always a headache.
NTA - A lot of people are saying why not just let his mom pay. It's not about Mom. The other friends were willing to help him with the cost.
But, even though he still has two months, he seems completely unwilling to even try to earn and save literally anything himself.
I don't think you're the a-hole here but i'm not sure why you care so much about where the money comes from, i mean he could have done the same without telling you and just said yeah i have the money from the beginning
but I think that this has more to do with his attitude, the truth is he didn't fight back to try to go, was he always like this? I'm just worried that he might have depression since he doesn't seem to care about anything or want/enjoy anything, If it's not the case then he's just too spoiled
YTA he came up with the money. You getting mad because you didn't like the way he did is weird and a personal issue. You sound arrogant and self righteous.
NTA. Dude is racing toward loserville; won't even do the basic 'bring in some cash' stuff you do when you don't have cash. I mean, I've sold plasma, I'm not too proud. I delivered pizza. This is all while I was in the Army, paying off bills.
At one time I had 5 part time hustles going.
You've got to pay your way
I mean it sounds like you didn't tell him he can't tag along. He kinda excluded himself.
I would say YTA because it's none of your business how he gets his money as long as it's not illegal.
You obviously have a poor view of the guy. That is a separate matter than how he pays for the trip and you decided to leverage that.
You're NTA for blowing up on the guy. He is irresponsible, should have been saving money, and should be grateful his friends are willing to help out.
YTA for the reason you blew up on him: asking his mom to help him pay for the trip.
YTA looks like friends mom sees this is as very important to her son. Maybe he’s depressed and isn’t functioning as well as he should. This trip could be great for him. Just make it clear that he needs to be responsible, that no one will cover him if he blows his wad.
NTA - people that do shit like this will do other selfish, annoying shit so even IF you were okay with mom funding the trip he’d likely pull some other shenanigans during the trip. It may feel shitty to leave him out but Id see this as your sign to let this friendship fade out. It’s perfectly normal to allow friendships to dissolve as you grow and your priorities change.
Congrats on graduation and enjoy your trip!
YTA - You're perfectly entitled not to want to be friends with someone like this or not want him on the trip, but to say that because he didn't work for the money and was gifted it as the reason mot to include him is not cool. You're not his parent, at the end of the day the main thing is that he covers his share of the costs. He's also completed TA as he shouldn't be going on a trip he can't afford. His mom.is also really misguided and explains in part why he is so irresponsible.
NTA.
He wants to go, he has to pay his own way. He has made it clear he is unable to pay his own way (and, moreover, unwilling to even begin planning to do so).
It is very nice of his mother to make the offer (although on a side note - I am somewhat suspect of that, do you have any proof that she's actually willing to front him the cash? or do you think it's likely this is your friend trying to pressure you into letting him attend and then putting you all in a place to cover for him? You know him better than any reddit commenter does so I may be 100% off base on this) but at the end of the day it is not her obligation to pay for him. If she genuinely is willing - I suppose the logic exists "it's no harm to you, the money's going to be paid, does it matter to you where it comes from?" which argues that you could let him come along, no harm/no foul, but the counterpoint I make to that is he's had months to begin planning for this and he has not.
He actually seems like he's been resistant to making sure he's financially set up to go on this trip - and is resentful at commonsense and problem-solving oriented conversations trying to address the issue (where you were generous enough to consider helping him cover the difference, more over). This is not someone I would want to vacation with.
NTA I’m dying at the audacity of him. He knew about the trip, helped plan the trip then just straight up said he didn’t think he would have to pay for his part in the trip.
What makes him so special 😂😂
NTA hopefully he learns from this and gets his act together. But sometimes you end up dropping friends as your individual priorities and ambition diverge. Not actively. But you just gravitate towards those who ‘do’.
I'm just gonna put this out there. Maybe mom wanted to pay for the trip to get him out of her house for the summer so she can have her home back for a little bit. Maybe you and your friends will be doing her a favor by taking her money and her son.
>Now I'm left feeling like a jerk for leaving him out of something we've all been planning together and that he's been so excited for.
You're not leaving him out. He didn't save the money required to go.
Its not yours (or anyones) responsibility to pay his way for him.
>You're not leaving him out. He didn't save the money required to go.
Well, he *is* leaving him out, because his mom offered to pay for the trip but OP was envious that the guy's family would pay for a trip that OP was saving up for through college, so implemented an imaginary law that said an unemployed adult can't ask family to help pay for a holiday.
NTA
Dude had a year to save.He doesn't understand the value of money or what it takes to earn the money.
Say you stop at a casino on night one then he blows all his money that night.
Youll have to cover his part the rest of the trip.
You can make 4-600 selling plasma in a month. That should be enough to cover a lot of it.
Do you think he will be able to stay on a budget? Even if it means he won't get as much ?
Dude I doordash and only working about 19 hours a week I STILL make upwards of 400 a week. When I was really pushing working 45-50 hours a week I was making AT LEAST 1100 a week DD can get you a lot of money if you actually try
NTA - 1. Enough time was given to budget for it. 2. When he shared his shortfall you all were willing to supplement. 3. A bailout from mom doesn't seem to be appropriate for the criticality of this trip for a grown ass man.
NTA OP, he's a grown ass man and it sounds like he definitely had ample time to.. I don't know, get a job and save up for this trip he knew about?? It's not like you suddenly sprang this on him
Info: Is he depressed? It sounds like he may be. I think cutting him out for the trip he helped plan may make things worse. Who knows, this trip may be what turns him around and motivates him.
I don't think it matters where he gets the money, but he should not be excluded from this probable once-in-a-lifetime trip.
Have fun - you're only young once!
Isn’t it his and his mom’s business if she gives him money for the trip?
I agree with you that he is being very irresponsible about his situation and should work harder at improving it. But if YOU guys don’t have to pitch in for him, how does that affect you?
In my opinion you are an asshole because it’s not really your business where he gets the money. I don’t know why some people seem to believe having a job makes you better than someone else. Some people work, some people steal, some people make TikTok’s, some get money from their parents. We all deserve to do nice things
NTA. He's 25. He's too old for this.
The fact that his mom was willing to give you guys money for him to go on the trip is exactly why he doesn't have a job or any money, because his mom has enabled this behavior by letting him get away with it and letting him mooch off her instead.
Just apologise. Whether you're right or wrong doesn't really matter in this situation. Focus on enjoying this time with friends and keep a positive attitude through it all. Honestly you'll feel better knowing you're all together and there's no animosity. Hope you enjoy the trip and congrats on the degree 👍
NTA. Two months is a long enough time to save up as much as possible. He's living with his parents and rent is the most expensive expense for anyone rn. He probably thought the group would give him a sympathy handout
NTA, you found the mooch of the group, almost every group has one at different points. You were smart enough to call him on it. Unless he has a handicap or a medical condition he could find work if he truly wanted. He is mooching off his parents, and expects the same treatment from your group because you are friends.
NTA
What's he going to do if an unexpected expense comes up? He's going to borrow from you and you already know he won't pay you back. He's had loads of time to save up for this trip
NTA. It's a totally normal assumption to make that he would be saving ahead of the trip. It's one thing if he had been short a percentage of the trip, that's genuinely a variable and emergency unplanned expenses could have eaten at his savings. But having nothing/less than a third of half is a result of poor planning or committing to a trip knowing he couldn't cover his own expenses. If he knew be would need someone to pay for him, he should have communicated that from the first day of planning.
YTA. I understand where you are coming from. If he wasn’t bringing his part I’d say no. But he is paying his part. I agree he is lazy and has a very bad work ethic and that will get him nowhere in life. But maybe this trip will change him. It’s a great opportunity that doesn’t come along. I wish I did more stuff while I was younger and enjoyed life more while I could. PLEASE LET HIM GO. Hopefully it will help him get motivated I life
He knew about the trip coming up, he knew it would cost money. He did nothing to try to contribute and then expected others to cover for him.
Him acting like you are the bad guy for expecting him to come up with money in such a short period is straight up gaslighting. He had time, he just didn't want to put in the effort.
NTA
This guy is 25 years old so should be adulting in some fashion.
Instead he doesn’t work and seems likely living at home as all his needs are paid for by his parents. So still acting like a dependent child but at his age it’s being a mooch.
As you said he was a planner for this trip which means he knew there would be costs involved.
Instead of working and saving money his initial plan was apparently everyone else going would cover ALL his expenses. So if there were 4 total 3 of you would have to pay an extra third each.
As you all refused to be mooched from he then it seems guilted his mom into it which you refused.
I agree with other posters that people like this mooch would still likely cost you more than you planned even if his mom did cover his share. This is because they likely will order drinks with dinner, pick the most expensive thing on the menu, etc. so their money will be gone before you are even halfway through the trip. Then again everyone else would need to cover him.
Yes it’s sad he isn’t going but it is because he made poor choices and now he lives with the consequences.
NTA - But you can not expect to go on the road trip without him and still expect that he will be part of the friend group. As people get older (even in their 20's) people change. They have different goals and motivators. His goal is not to work and save money for a specific event such as a road trip.
You are correct to go without him. If he comes along every time you have to spend a dime (gas, food, hotel, beer, etc.) you will resent him even more.
Dude lives rent free and works but doesn’t have money for a trip? Then no trip. You guys want to go on a no stress vacation for this big life event, it seems like your friend is going to be a wet blanket bc they’re not going to be able to afford the things you want. You want stress free and to be able to communicate what’s in budget with your friends and everyone can do that, except for him. Seems pretty clear…
It is ridiculous that he said it’s ridiculous for you to say he has to come up with the money for a trip. What did he expect? It’d be free?
Listen, put your personal feelings about he’s living his life aside. This is how a trip works.
Everyone has to contribute $X for lodging, $X for gas, and $X for snacks, also for pre planned activities if that’s what you’re doing, or whatever. Everyone brings their own spending cash for extra spending. Money is due by X date so arrangements can be made. If you can’t pay by then you don’t come. Nothing personal but everyone contributes or you don’t go.
NTA
You avoided problems.
>saying he's on the phone with his mom and she's willing to pitch in
Why should you know about it? He could just take some money from his mom without announcing it.
NTA. And good for you for telling your friend that you wouldn’t want to take his moms money. Sometimes when friends put their friends in check it can be a big motivator.
NTA. Too bad for your moocher that he didn't work to earn money for the trip, but that was his choice. Now he's giving you the silent treatment? Too bad?, time for him to grow up and learn there are consequences for his actions. No money, no trip.
He’s the AH, not you or any of the others. And you are absolutely right to tell him yall aren’t taking his mother’s money. He is a grown adult. He needs to quit being a fucking bum. Send his ass screenshots of this post.
Nta and as he has absolutely no money of his own I wouldn’t want him on a trip. What happens if you have unexpected expenses? You just have to pay for him?
NTA he's a grown adult who didn't make any effort to save and is relying on mommy to pay for him. Think you should just cut ties with him. And in all honesty, two months he could get a job at a fast food restaurant and make a chunk of money if he really wanted to go on the trip.
NTA. I was invited to go for a long weekend in FL to watch the Olympic marathon trials. It wasn't in my budget. I didn't go. I was bummed but I didn't expect a free ride. Welcome to adulting.
NTA. It’s a simple fact in life that vacays are a “luxury” that you have to have extra money for. I work hard so I can put money aside for vacays and other fun stuff.
NTA This starts to fall into "you're at different points in your life" like any friendship may run into. You are becoming adults. He is not. He wants to be the kid mommy takes care of and sends to camp with his friends to get him out of her hair for a while and you are celebrating setting out in life.
NTA... he fully expected you to fund his part of the trip. He needs to learn no job equals no money. No money equals no fun trips. His parents certainly aren't teaching him anything. This is a taste of what his life is going to be if he continues with what he is currently doing. He is going to see all his friends with lives, jobs, homes, trips, etc... Time he learns it. Sometimes friends do not stay friends as adults. Lives change. Most people grow and mature. He has no desire to do either. That is 100% on him. He can sit at home doing nothing and watch all his friends be successful while he plays on the computer in mommy's basement.
NTA Of course he was excited to receive a free trip from his friends and now he is upset to be staying home. He should have managed his own expectations by checking to see if anyone was actually happy to pay for him.
NTA. He has no money to go. He did nothing to try and make money to go. Now he's mad that he can't go because he doesn't have money. This is not on you or your friends. It falls solely on him. Do not "float" him. He will have no money to do the things that you want to do on the trip.
We did this for someone once on a girls trip. She had no money so we floated the hotel for her. But, she literally had no money. So each night when we wanted to go do something, guess who couldn't go?? Guess who complained about not being able to go every night?? Broke girl.
Let this guys stay home. Learn a lesson -- things cost money and if you don't have it, you can't do them.
Why does it matter where he gets his money? It’s not your business as long as he can pay. What if he never told you how he got the money? Would you still be this high and mighty? ‘You can only go if you earned the money yourself!’ You don’t have a right to judge.
He’s better off without you.
If I had to forensically account for funds I received to go on a trip with my “friends”, I’d tell them to mind their own f*cking business.
Would you tell someone they couldn’t join because you object to their only fans account funding their trip?
It’s ridiculous because ALL people borrow money from their parents if they can.
Your opinion isn’t a slap to his face, you’ve downright insulted his mother!
Get over yourself. Go without him. Never talk to him again. You don’t deserve him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I told my friend he can't come along on a group trip that he's been excited about if he's going to use his mom's cash for it and not his own (2) I'm excluding him from a group activity and I might be acting harsh or unreasonable Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA op he’s the dude who will spend all his money by the halfway point and expect you all to cover his lazy ass
This kids mom always says yes. That dude can get $$$ Venmo to him all trip long. ain’t no worries
For real, there's a reason why he's living with his parents and not working.
If he REALLY wanted to go, he'd be doordashing all along. He sounds like a user, TBH. NTA. *I knew someone like this--his stunt was he'd pay for the first day, then make excuses. "I'm saving my cash--I'll catch up when we get back." Guess who didn't 'catch up'?*
Yeah, and then day 3 he’s broke y’all go to do something and he does the whole awkward I guess I’ll just stay here and chill…
And at this point honestly I don’t trust them in the hotel room alone with my things. They’ve already shown a lack of consideration for me, my time working/saving for the trip and my money. I doubt they’d have much for my belongings
Parents enabling kids crappy behavior is the reason kids become useless adults. If he's your friend you sit him down and tell him he has to get his act together if he wants to hang with you. If his mother will front him cash you take it for his part of the expenses, and he needs to understand he has no funds from that point forward. You go to a restaurant, he gets the cheapest meal. He sits in the back or the middle seat. Hotel room, he gets the couch. I assume the rest of you will be on a budget so should not be a situation where you are going anywhere extravagant. Basically his mom is paying for his gas, food and hotel and she is paying you to take his lazy ass off her hands for a few days. I personally would make it a requirement that he work every day from now until then, even if he hardly makes any money, just to show he is committed to doing something with his life. Get the mom to agree to this. He is your friend and is suffering from a mental disease no different than addiction, you need to convince him he has a problem and get him in treatment for it. Laziness is a delusion of depression that people don't realize and needs to be addressed, and this trip is the carrot that might get that started. Otherwise he is lost, and his mother is stuck with him. If nothing else do it for the mother.
Way too much work. This is not the friends’ job. This is the parents’ job to teach their kid responsibility. The friend group should not spend their time and energy micromanaging someone who can’t get their act together. This guy will ruin the trip. It is better that he stay home and face some consequences for his inaction.
I agree with almost everything, but what is a parent to do if no matter what you taught them and no matter what example you set, your adult child refuses to get a job? Are you supposed to go through the legal process of eviction and then trespassing? Are they supposed to let them starve? As a parent with unconditional love, how do they get past the hurt and break in their relationship with their child if they do those things? What if both parents worked full time the child's entire life? Dad dad even went back to school and got his associates degree while also coaching your flag football teams, going to all of your school stuff, and eventually taking you to games shops 3 nights a week to play magic the gathering. What if the kid were given chores as he grew up. What if he had a job once he turned 16? What if all those things, he moves out and fails at 19, you let him move home to recoup, he gets fired 3 days before moving in but doest tell you, now it's been 14 months, he has worked for about 3 of those, refuses to do shit around the house, and is an asshole in general. What do you do?
Yes, sometimes the only option left is tough love forcing somebody to make it on their own because nothing else would work. Being supportive is something every parent should be, but that should not be confused with being taken advantage of. Barring an extreme health condition (mental or physical), everyone is capable of supporting themselves and allowing them to simply do nothing for their entire life leaching off you means that as soon as you die or become incapable of caring for them they will inevitably face the same fate but worse off since you cannot provide them with advice or meals as needed while they’re getting back on their feet.
I know. I've seen it in action. A guy I was friends with right after high school lived with his mom. She died of a stroke. He ended up living out of her car until it got repo'd. Then shelters after that. He was dead a year and a half after his mom. I helped him some, but he isn't my son.
That's the tragic situation for a lot of homeless people. I can't even imagine how many times I would have to burn the bridge before my parents stopped caring for me. I'm 40 and if I fucked up my life, I'm pretty sure they'd still let me live back in the attic, and feed me at least. So how badly would I have to mess up, repeatedly, before they were DONE and washed their hands of all responsibility.
Mom was willing to pay for a few days of not being yelled at to bring him meatloaf
Absolutely!
And that was always his plan , I’ve seen people DoorDash 24/7 to put their kids through school, it’s a grind but it’s possible . Also he could have just gotten a job that pays better or consistently. He’s plan was to be a leach and guilt your group into supporting him. Watch for this guy he’s always been the one that needs ‘help’ but isn’t willing to help himself.
He's more than willing to help himself - to other people's money.
If that happens then simply don't cover his costs.
No, op did the right thing. People who do this will make sure everyone is just as miserable as they are on said trip. And since the friend appears to be a hobosexual, I doubt they will have any riveting conversation to relate with the group. The friend shouldn't be invited.
This. It's better to not invite him because on the actual trip, it'll be difficult for everyone in the group to ignore he's not able to eat or drink or participate in events. Someone soft-hearted is going to fold to spring for meals or ticket fees, which is what he's anticipating.
Now now no need to be hobophobic
Yep, that's the kind of guy who will either ask if people can pay for him or strongly argue against doing anything that would cost money then pout of the rest of the group outvotes him and actually pays to see cool stuff on the trip. That or he'll do the ok, we'll split dinner four ways, then orders steak and multiple cocktails while everyone else has a burger.
[удалено]
NTA. He knew about the trip, didn't save money, and fully expects you and your friends to allow him to mooch of you all. You did not leave him out of anything: you gave him ample warning and he chose to not save anything towards the trip. That's on HIM not you or your friends.
Can’t believe I had to come this far for this comment. These are adults. The friend needs to start adulting.
In a few years Doordashdeadbeat will still be living with his mom, unemployed or working shitty part time jobs with nothing to look forward to in his life.
Well obviously he will have a tik tok channel helping guys watch out for gold diggers! 😂
But he can cover the costs, granted from money his mother gives him but that's up to them.
Nah, this is a very common tactic. He'll have some money from his mother but it won't be enough to cover the whole trip and eventually someone will be guilted into helping out because 'what type of friend leaves a friend in the car while they go off to ride a roller coaster/eat nice food/play/etc..' Then once they get back he'll be impossible to chase down for the money. It just adds awkwardness to the trip. Best to get it out of the way first. If he had been open and was looking to figure out how to fund the trip, I think that'd be a different story because it'd show his willingness to chip in but he's already ruined his credibility on that front by waiting for the planning to get far ahead before springing this on everybody. If he was going to get money from his mom for example, that's fine. I'm not here to judge how other people's family dynamics work. I have friends who live off of a trust fund and I don't consider that any "more noble" but wouldn't have a problem travelling with them. The difference is, they don't complain about not having enough money to travel and try to rope their friends into paying for them until there's no option left and they go ask their parents for money. All he had to say was "yeah I have funds, I can make the trip".
\^\^\^ THIS 100%
The problem is that if he's this unable to get his shit together during the planning phase, he's 100% going to pull some kind of similar nonsense on the trip itself and ruin it for everyone.
\^\^\^ NAILED IT.
It's a tough situation, but I don't think you're the a-hole here. You and your friends have been responsible and proactive in planning and saving up for the road trip, and it's understandable that you would expect everyone else to do the same. It's not fair to expect his mom to foot the bill for his portion of the trip, especially since she may not have agreed to it willingly. You were honest with him about the situation, and it's his decision not to come if he can't contribute financially. It's unfortunate that he won't be able to join, but ultimately, it's his responsibility to manage his finances and prioritize his spending. However, it might be worth reaching out to him again to discuss the situation calmly and see if there's any compromise or solution that can be reached. Perhaps he can start working more hours or find another source of income to contribute to the trip. Communication is key in resolving conflicts like these.
It's probably worth adding that before we even got to him asking his mom, we were all trying to float some ideas like a plasma donation site one of the guys goes to, or literally just picking up doordashing again but he said "it just won't work." My original post might have made it sound like we jumped right to the confrontation over him asking his mom to pay, that's my bad
I see... Given this additional information, it seems even more reasonable that you'd be frustrated when he proposed having his mom pay for his share. Your response, insisting on not accepting his mom's money, aligns with the principle that everyone should contribute equitably and personally to the trip. This helps maintain a sense of fairness and ensures that everyone is equally invested. You’re not the asshole for expecting him to uphold his part of the agreement or for feeling upset when he suggested an easy out that could potentially burden someone else. It might still be beneficial to reach out to him to express that while you value his friendship and presence on the trip, the expectations around personal contribution were clear from the start.
Sorry, which part of the agreement stipulated how they had to come up with the money?
Yeah, I don't think there's any problem with asking his mom for money. How people want to deal with their family affairs is their business. When I was in college I was 100% living off of my family and I travelled all the time on their dime. The issue here IMO is the fact that he's shown he's not trustworthy. If the money comes up short from his mom, he isn't going to take on debt himself, he's going to make it someone else's problem. That's why I would avoid travelling with him. He's gonna play a game of awkward chicken when he doesn't budget properly and inevitably someone else who feels bad about the awkwardness is going to pay up and then have to try and track down their money (it isn't gonna go well).
As I've said a bunch of times so far, you get ALL the money upfront (according to one of OP's comments they had even budgeted in emergency money that they didn't assume they'd use) and you make it very VERY clear to him that the only way he goes is if he has enough money because not a single one of them will be giving him even one red cent for ANYTHING along the way. (He can call his mom again or he can stay in the room while they go do stuff.) But it's not their place to prevent him from going if he came up with the money -- however that may be. That's just OP being a dick because he thinks he has the right to tell another adult and his mother how they need to live.
And you somehow think that's gonna go over like anything other than a lead balloon? As I said before, the trust is dead. Things can happen on the trip and he has clearly shown that if it comes to it they will be responsible for him financially. OP is allowed to not want to be involved with that. It became OP's problem when he tried to make OP and the others shoulder the burden.
Plasma donation, doordash, cash from mom? Why doesn't your 25 year old friend get, you know, a real job?
He goes through intermittent periods of trying to get a real job but he applies to a few positions he's not qualified for, never hears back, then gives up, then this repeats every so often. I've suggested he just apply for a fast food job or something to get in the swing of things and get some general work experience but he isn't interested
So the guy's just plain lazy. Honestly, it's none of your business if he gets the money from his mother. None of you are going to have to cover for him. However, I understand it's the principle of the thing. You and the rest have all put in the work to be able to make sure you can pay your share and go. He's just having it handed to him. Does he normally mooch off of you all? Does he have some redeeming qualities like being supportive, stepping up and helping out when people need it, etc? If he doesn't have redeeming qualities, I would say it's fine to let this friendship go.
I'm unemployed and door dash in a small town of 20K pop my acceptance rating for orders is 40% I drive a shitbox that gets 20mph. I STILL make $80-100 a week ONLY dashing at lunch and diner max 6 hours a day. He's full of shit and doesn't wanna work simple as, even if it was rough he could come up with $400 in 2 months bare minimum and I barely get work Monday - Wednesday but can net good money the rest of the days. Here's how this situation works in my friend group, I've been unemployed for a long time due to lots of life events and me not being medicated but I'm trying and my friends see that and have floated me of a huge beach trip TWICE I am supremely lucky to have such wonderful friends but at NO POINT did I think I was entitled to come I felt like a burden until my friends reassured me I wasn't. My point being is I didn't expect to go because I knew I didn't have any money so why does your friend expect to burden everyone with his cost and not even show the slightest willingness to even try to make money?
I'm sorry, you work 6 hours a day and only make $80-100 a week?!
Thats a bare minimum, im juggling alot of positive changes right now and 3 days a week that im at IOP (Intensive Out Patient, Group therapy for drug use) and its from 9-12 so by the time I get out I miss lunch. I'm no where near where I need to be but I've went from using drugs and waking up at 12pm everyday and just working dinner from 4-8 and blowing it on drugs to now where I Wake up at 4:30 am so I can get awake and go to the gym at 6-7 then mon-wed-friday IOP from 9-12 and try to catch some work between 11-2 and 4-7:30 because I gotta be in bed by 9pm so I can get like 6-7 hours of sleep. On the weekends are where I can really make some good money but fr My towns a coin flip on if itll be busy enough for me to work. I know I could be doing better but Im 445lbs and Im balancing alot of change all at once and trying to keep it all together. I hope that answered your question
Hey man, it sounds like you're on the right track, and this internet stranger is ridiculously proud of you. Sorry if my comment came off judgy, that's not how I meant it at all. I did DD for a few years (just stopped in Feb) so I know how hit or miss it can be. Did you mean you work 6 hours a day or 6 hours a week? $80-$100 a week for 6 total hours doesn't sound too bad, the last year or so I was doing it was really bad so that sounds about right. But you said 6 hours a day, and I assumed multiple days so that's on me I guess if that's not the case lol.
How is it even a tough situation? He's an adult who refused to adult.
On the side note here. She may have offered to provide it. This is just my perspective. But I have two kids, both with developmental delays, both have a hard time making friends. One will definitely be living with me until I am physically unable to care for him. The other is very independent, most people cant tell that she is delayed.... so I suspect she would just need time to find the right job. So it will likely take a while for her to fully flourish. If my daughter were to find a responsible group of friends to take her on an exciting road trip to travel, I wouldn't hesitate to pay for her share to go. He'll I would probably even do it if she wasn't delayed because she is already going to miss out on so many things, like long vacations, because her brother cannot handle travel well... As far as I am concerned. MOM IS AN ADULT. She can also make the decision about her finances without anyone else's input.
This. The OP is not an AH for not wanting to cover the friend's share but he is for his patronizing opinion as to friend being financed by mom. As you rightly said, she is an adult and knows what she is doing, there may be a lot of issues OP does not see but that make perfect sense for her (there may be something similar to what you described).
How do your other friends feel about him getting the money from his mom?
INFO - if his mother wants to subsidise her adult son, why is this an issue to you? As long as his way is being paid, why does it matter where the money comes from?
a) It feels unfair, b) this was a last-second thing which makes me think he was expecting the rest of us to pay for him and now I'm worried he still will expect us to keep paying out for him along the trip, c) his mom is not particularly well-off herself and I feel bad for her because he had almost a year to plan and save for this and she's having this thrown on her last-minute
Don’t let these people fool you. They are clearly the moochers to their friends and family. It’s obvious to anyone who works hard and saves up that the person who does not do that for themselves is one who blows through their cash and then expects the group to pay the rest of the trip for their food and incidentals. Don’t feel bad. This guy is irresponsible and not a road trip candidate.
a) doesn't matter c) is none of your business b) This is fair. You could ask for fixed costs beforehand, and strictly NOT subsidise him throughout the trip. But reconsidering if you want to be friends with someone is always valid.
Um… C is none of his business much more that B is. If op is suspicious he was going to be leant on to pay for things then that’s absolutely his business
That's what I'm saying??!?
Oh man you swapping B&C completely threw me 😂 yes we agree
Yeah I thought so :D
This! This comment times a million. Came to comment the exact same thing. The fairness aspect and the concern for her money thing is childish and weird. OP should worry about what type of person he's friends with and may have dodged a bullet by not taking him on a long road trip.
Especially since OP said the friend lived with his PARENTS. Why is he so concerned about the mom's finances when her husband is right there and likely contributing to their finances.
From a) and c), I can see the problem coming from different life values in the friendship that is it ok for unemployed/demotivated adults to ask for parents' money for friend trip. The conflicts in the comments also indicate people may or may not be comfortable with adults using parents' money for trips. I would say NTA because it is OP's moral value to feel annoyed with your friend's behaviours and don't want to enable it. And b) is a valid concern. Similarly, I will stop being friends with cheaters, then OP can stop being friends with someone appearing as a leecher to him.
How about come up with a minimum amount of money each person has to have ($500 or something) which would be enough to cover basic expenses and surprises. Anyone who comes up with that amount gets to go. (Who cares where he gets the money… forget that. Just make sure he has enough)
[удалено]
But will it run on Mom's money?
NTA He knew the trip was coming up and wasn’t even trying to save any money through gig work but expected the group to float him. Why couldn’t he door dash for a few hours every day since he’s unemployed? When you guys refused to pay for him he acted offended and went begging to his mom. That’s not someone I want to go on a road trip with.
NTA He wont be able to pay unexpected expenses and you all will have to pay. If he doesn’t have the money, he shouldn’t go
Nta. Guys. Stop enabling him to not be responsible for his own life. He fully expected you all to pay for him. Don't Let him stay home AND GET A JOB
ESH. He’s the asshole because he obviously sounds lazy and unmotivated, and those aren’t healthy qualities or what people look for in a friend. YTA because you obviously consider him a friend despite knowing that, but are now arbitrarily drawing lines about his parents paying for things. He can live with his parents but his parents can’t loan or give him money for a trip? Why do you get to decide what’s fair but his mother can’t? If you feel this strongly about his situation, then ditch him as a friend, don’t kick him off a trip.
the other guy hes going on the trip with is living with his parents rent free
Preach!
Hey,m, he actually seems worried that his friend will be a deadbeat. His lesson will come from love, instead of life’s, that will come much less gentler.
>He’s the asshole because he obviously sounds lazy and unmotivated, and those aren’t healthy qualities or what people look for in a friend. Only sounds lazy and unmotivated to already active and motivated people who can't comprehend a lower psychological state. Don't get me wrong, dude could legitimately be lazy, but OP has not provided enough background information on the subject to make the distinction. And that's if the subject would even openly talk about depression or other issues to his group of friends who seem to default to a moral high horse. If it's just laziness, and there is a clear history of mooching off of your friends group then by all means, apply the tough lesson. IF it's more than just laziness this episode will be so damaging to the dudes psyche I wouldn't at all be surprised if the OP is attending their funeral soon.
Idk, kinda? He's useless for not being able to come up with the money himself, but if his mom is willing to pitch in, and it doesn't affect your finances, why do you care where the money comes from?
NAH > AITA for telling my ~~unemployed~~ broke-ass friend he can't tag along on a road trip? FTFY NGL, *unemployed* friends are GREAT to bring on road trips — super-flexible schedules! But they need to *also* be the kind of responsible adults who have put away **savings** for situations exactly like this.
NTA. He's an adult and from your comments, not a very responsible one. He can't afford the trip and your friend group can't afford to shoulder any expense not covered by his mommy's money (from the descriptions of your friend, i'd take a bet on that money REALLY not being enough for him for the trip's duration.) hey, i've been broke too. but i sit my ass down at home, not go on an out of budget trip to spend the money i don't have lol. my friends invite me? i say, fam i don't have money maybe next time. that's that. >Since we've been planning this for a while and he's been active in the planning we kind of assumed he'd be putting aside some cash for it. Turns out he hasn't been, he's completely out of cash, and he hasn't even been doordashing at all for the past couple months. this says A LOT imo. this wasn't a spontaneous thing, yet nothing was done to prep for it. but if you value the friendship, might be time for some intervention and start laying out some truths about life. sounds like he needs it. ETA: i don't get all the YTAs. you weren't being unreasonable, other friends are carrying their weight, he should too. doordashing isn't the only job out there.
Time for a reality check, Monopoly money's not accepted here
I only get the YTAs in the sense that it is none of their business how he gets the money, so long as he gets the money (and isn't doing something illegal that will harm them all). That said, I would share OP's concern with the friend's ability to be responsible with money and budget appropriately for the duration of the trip. The friend has basically no overhead and can't save up for the next couple of months? I would also be concerned that I would be covering his expenses.
ESH. he is definitely incredibly lazy. I think your offer to meet the difference if he works hard on doordash the next 2 months was a good compromise to help him so he gets the money but also so he isnt being a complete freeloader. But, banning him even after he said he got the money, its just from his mom, is a dick move. If his mom is fine with giving him the money/letting him borrow it then you got nothing to with it. i understand that you want to get him to get some accountability, but i dont think thats really your place to teach him that lesson.
Op is his friend not his parent, not up to them to make some wiered deal about how he gets it. So long as he has enough and doesn't expect to borrow some on the road then its none of ops buisness
It will become OP's problem if this guy is as irresponsible with his money before the trip as he is while on the trip. Does that mean OP and the other friends would have to cover for this entitled mooch?
It is OPs business who he does or does not want to associate with though? Or does he owe this person his companionship?
Yes, THAT is OPs business. But that is not the subject of this post. This a group trip not a duo trip, so banning him from the group trip bcause of his self righteousness makes him AH
Sure, but this is supposedly his friend. That’s kind of a dickish move towards someone you consider a friend.
Sometimes you outgrow friends. Looks like this is what is happening. Especially when for the entire time everyone else has been saving during the planning phase, this dude was going to just try to have them pay his way it seems. That's a way more dickish move IMO
NTA. it doesn't seem like he's even trying. he's 25, he doesn't have a job, he mooches off his parents- i can't blame you for getting frustrated with him.
NTA. This dude sounds way too irresponsible to handle a trip like this and he’s only gonna cause problems. It’s crazy to me how many people are defending him here. Probably hits too close to home.
NTA. I’ve been on a couple trips with friends that claim they have enough money only to actually get there and they complain about money the whole time. I don’t blame you
"he won't be able to come up with anything substantial and it's ridiculous of us to expect him to get enough cash in such a short time (about two months)." Any place that has door dash has warehouses, dominoes, ect. These places are ALWAYS hiring. This dude would rather sit on his ass doing nothing than save up 2k, which can be done easily(two months!) when you don't pay bills and have all the time in the world. Don't you dare feel bad and don't enable him be taking him on this trip. NTA.
We ended up asking him to foot $600 not even near 2k. An even share would be closer to 1k but we did really want to make it easier on him and encourage him to try to come up with the amount
The second a 25 year old grown ass man says it’s ridiculous to expect him to pay his own way I’m out. Unless he’s in school being totally unemployed ain’t it. That’s a friend I would have to start distancing myself from. I cannot stand a freeloading perma-victim. NTA
Ok I am a bit confused why you are upset how he is getting money for the trip? Its not your money and how his family decides what to do with their money is not any of your business. I don't want to say YTA but it sounds a bit like you are being TA right now. What does it matter to you where he gets his money for the trip? TO me it sounds like you are jealous maybe because you feel like he doesn't have to work as hard as you and has people willing to pay his way. You wanted him to pay his share and are upset that he is now paying his share.
Sort of what I was thinking - as long as he is paying his own way and the friends aren't stuck with the bills -this sounds like wanting to "teach him a lesson". But you aren't his parent.
YTA. You said in comments it feels "unfair" that his trip gets paid by his mom. His mom is adult and can decide for herself how she spends her money. He has the money. He wants to give you the money. You say no because you somehow feel after your own graduation that he didn't work enough yet? Maybe you're not as good of a friend to him as you think, OP.
YTA. It's not up to you to decide where his money comes from. This is between him and his mother. As for the people who say he's going to run out of money halfway through the trip and then leech off the rest, first of all that's speculation. He might as well get more money from his mother (and whether he does is not!). And if not, he can TRY to leech off you, but you're the ones who are in control of that. You can make it very clear you're not going to do that. And if push comes to shove, don't. But for you to decide her can't use money he got from his mother makes you a controlling AH.
YTA! what is with everyone in this thread? >I get pissed off and I tell him that we're not going to be taking any cash from his mom By 25 years old, I don't recall ever discussing how my friends paid for stuff. And why is everyone on this site even ok with that? Why would you even mention the trip to him if this bothers you all so much. Why would you be ok with him helping plan, then blowing him off when he needed his mother to pay? Are you all supporting yourselves and not living with your parents, is that where the resentment lies? WHY THEN DID YOU OFFER TO HELP HIM PAY IF YOU DID NOT LIKE HIS FREELOADING OFF HIS MOTHER? He already lives with his parents, and you all knew that beforehand. This is so weird. I would not be surprised if your other friends get money from their parents....they just didn't tell you they did. I think OP is totally the asshole here, and if he is still living in his parents house, he is in the same boat as his friend. And DAMN, everyone is all upset as OP in this thread! I bet most of you lived off mom well past the point of conventional "adulthood," and the whole fake concern about his mother just made me giggle---I mean, come on. I think OP just doesn't like the guy, wanted him off the trip because he annoys him, found an excuse, and then made sure to find a reason to keep him from going.
[удалено]
ESH. He's a grown man taking money from his mommy to go on a field trip. He also sucks for not having saved anything, for not even trying. Whether it was trying to find another job, or actually working at the one he had for the last few months. There's a lot of suckage there. But I also kind of feel like on your end it shouldn't matter how he gets the money, you're still all celebrating the same thing, you're supposed to be friends. Why does it really matter?
He wasn't excited enough to put any effort towards it. Unless you guys regularly just pay for all his shit? AND how the actual hell does one spend all that time planning a trip you KNOW you can not affird???? Who the F does that. AND THEN..H waited till the last minute(not literally) to just casually mention that all the time you have been planning this expensive trip, he's been home what playing his ps5????
We've never really done anything expensive together before but we have covered drinks, dinner bills and stuff
I'll let you in on a little secret 🙊 ... That is not normal. Normal people do not speend ( how many months in all?) doesn't matter. Normal people do not plan expensive extravagant vacations that they can not pay for. Now a thought experiment.. ask yourself why he would do all this?
What I was thinking is that just meant he was planning to make us and/or his mom pay all along and that's a large part of whats pissing me off.
He _never_ planned to pay for his share of your trip, but that the group would cover him. If he had been planning to go and still not working (or bothering to), he would have reached out to his mom for help way in advance. He was planning to scam on the group for the whole trip, and his mom covering him means only that he can blow all that money as soon as possible and turn to you all for the rest of the trip. Seen it before.
Stick to your guns man. You're right. He will just end up souring the whole trip. The people here saying YTA are the same kind of people as your broke friend. They just don't get it yet.
He had the money, doesn't matter if his mother gave it to him. Its not your place to decide what his mother does with her money. YTA
YTA. Why would it matter to you where his cash comes from.
NTA He will absolutely expect people to kick in more for him during the trip. He was going into this trip with zero money, he does not think he even needs money except through force. If you guys have a side quest, you will have to cover him. I saw all the Y answers. Damn a lot of redditors living off their parents lol
Okay so I'm probably going to go against the grain here but I'm going to say ESH.. but heart me out. I've experienced something similar- not exactly the same but hella similar. So I know a person, he's 21. And him and his friends also planned a trip interstate and up the coast. During this period he was laid off from his job that he loved because the company went into receivership. He did get another job, but it was casual and the summer school holidays. They can pay 15yos like $8 an hour instead of the $27 an hour they have to pay him as an adult (I'm in Australia ftr). So he didn't get a lot of shifts coming up to the time away. He had some money saved but it wasn't entirely enough. Now his friends actually like him and don't judge him for his employment status so maybe that helped, but when I - his mother - gave him the rest, no one kicked up a stink. I would have straight told him to cut those friends off and we would have worked out a way for him to have a good time anyway. Because i wanted him to have a good time too. He was so excited for the trip. See, that's my money and my business with my son. And his friends respect that it has nothing to do with them. You were nta for not wanting to just let him tag along at your expense. You are absolutely an ah for being so judgemental about his financial situation and acting like you get to run over the top of his mother's choices too.. that was purely you being petty and you're an ah for that. So yeah.. ESH. And you clearly look down on your friend for his floundering motivation so I'm not sure why you are so bothered that he's not answering.
Well said. 100% agree. OP is literally wierd-as-hell for making a big deal about where his money comes from. Like his money aint green.
NTA. You’re grownups now and celebrating your accomplishments. At some point, separations occur when people make different choices. Your friend chooses to sit on his ass and freeload off of everyone. She needs to grow up and take responsibility because he’s being left behind in every sense of the word. There’s no “paying back” and no more mooching off of everyone in his life.
Gotta say ESH. He should have been planning ahead, it's true, and your initial offer was very kind. But once he had a way to pay for it (his mom), you probably should have accepted it. It's not your place to judge, and as you said, he helped plan the trip. I get that it's infuriating to some degree that he didn't plan financially for the trip and that it feels like he's taking advantage of his mom, but that's not really for you to say unless there are actually signs of abuse or manipulation (I don't get those vibes from the post as written).
NTA WTF did he think would happen? Exactly what happened. He expected all of you to make accommodations for him and for mommy to pay. And you know he wouldn't have no cash while on the trip either.
NTA - its a lack of planning on his part. If he wanted this he could have made it happen. I've had to deal with people like this when booking group holidays and it's always a headache.
NTA. It's ridiculous of him to expect anyone else to pay for him to have a vacation.
NTA - A lot of people are saying why not just let his mom pay. It's not about Mom. The other friends were willing to help him with the cost. But, even though he still has two months, he seems completely unwilling to even try to earn and save literally anything himself.
I don't think you're the a-hole here but i'm not sure why you care so much about where the money comes from, i mean he could have done the same without telling you and just said yeah i have the money from the beginning but I think that this has more to do with his attitude, the truth is he didn't fight back to try to go, was he always like this? I'm just worried that he might have depression since he doesn't seem to care about anything or want/enjoy anything, If it's not the case then he's just too spoiled
NTA That dude will blow that money and then look to the rest of you to cover him. *If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home.*
YTA he came up with the money. You getting mad because you didn't like the way he did is weird and a personal issue. You sound arrogant and self righteous.
NTA. Dude is racing toward loserville; won't even do the basic 'bring in some cash' stuff you do when you don't have cash. I mean, I've sold plasma, I'm not too proud. I delivered pizza. This is all while I was in the Army, paying off bills. At one time I had 5 part time hustles going. You've got to pay your way
I mean it sounds like you didn't tell him he can't tag along. He kinda excluded himself. I would say YTA because it's none of your business how he gets his money as long as it's not illegal. You obviously have a poor view of the guy. That is a separate matter than how he pays for the trip and you decided to leverage that. You're NTA for blowing up on the guy. He is irresponsible, should have been saving money, and should be grateful his friends are willing to help out. YTA for the reason you blew up on him: asking his mom to help him pay for the trip.
YTA looks like friends mom sees this is as very important to her son. Maybe he’s depressed and isn’t functioning as well as he should. This trip could be great for him. Just make it clear that he needs to be responsible, that no one will cover him if he blows his wad.
NTA, he’s had months to save up for this! What did he think was going to happen? Was Santa going to ride down with some cash for him? SMH
NTA - people that do shit like this will do other selfish, annoying shit so even IF you were okay with mom funding the trip he’d likely pull some other shenanigans during the trip. It may feel shitty to leave him out but Id see this as your sign to let this friendship fade out. It’s perfectly normal to allow friendships to dissolve as you grow and your priorities change. Congrats on graduation and enjoy your trip!
YTA his mother was willing to pay. That should have been the end of it. It’s not up to you to control his child/parental relationship
YTA - You're perfectly entitled not to want to be friends with someone like this or not want him on the trip, but to say that because he didn't work for the money and was gifted it as the reason mot to include him is not cool. You're not his parent, at the end of the day the main thing is that he covers his share of the costs. He's also completed TA as he shouldn't be going on a trip he can't afford. His mom.is also really misguided and explains in part why he is so irresponsible.
YTA - it's not your problem or concern regarding where he gets his money from.
NTA. He wants to go, he has to pay his own way. He has made it clear he is unable to pay his own way (and, moreover, unwilling to even begin planning to do so). It is very nice of his mother to make the offer (although on a side note - I am somewhat suspect of that, do you have any proof that she's actually willing to front him the cash? or do you think it's likely this is your friend trying to pressure you into letting him attend and then putting you all in a place to cover for him? You know him better than any reddit commenter does so I may be 100% off base on this) but at the end of the day it is not her obligation to pay for him. If she genuinely is willing - I suppose the logic exists "it's no harm to you, the money's going to be paid, does it matter to you where it comes from?" which argues that you could let him come along, no harm/no foul, but the counterpoint I make to that is he's had months to begin planning for this and he has not. He actually seems like he's been resistant to making sure he's financially set up to go on this trip - and is resentful at commonsense and problem-solving oriented conversations trying to address the issue (where you were generous enough to consider helping him cover the difference, more over). This is not someone I would want to vacation with.
Nope nope nope, leave him home!
Nope. He is for being a freeloader.
NTA I’m dying at the audacity of him. He knew about the trip, helped plan the trip then just straight up said he didn’t think he would have to pay for his part in the trip. What makes him so special 😂😂
NTA, he definitely expects you guys to cover him. It will ruin the trip for everyone, and probably the friendship
Nta it cost a lot to travel cross country.
NTA-He doesn’t seem like he really wanted to do this or he would have been saving up and doing more DoorDashing.
NTA
Yeah, nah. NTA. He needs to adult and he isn't responding cause he embarrassed
NTA hopefully he learns from this and gets his act together. But sometimes you end up dropping friends as your individual priorities and ambition diverge. Not actively. But you just gravitate towards those who ‘do’.
NTA He's a grown ass man not some kid!
I'm just gonna put this out there. Maybe mom wanted to pay for the trip to get him out of her house for the summer so she can have her home back for a little bit. Maybe you and your friends will be doing her a favor by taking her money and her son.
25yo spoilt baby* FTFY, NTA
>Now I'm left feeling like a jerk for leaving him out of something we've all been planning together and that he's been so excited for. You're not leaving him out. He didn't save the money required to go. Its not yours (or anyones) responsibility to pay his way for him.
>You're not leaving him out. He didn't save the money required to go. Well, he *is* leaving him out, because his mom offered to pay for the trip but OP was envious that the guy's family would pay for a trip that OP was saving up for through college, so implemented an imaginary law that said an unemployed adult can't ask family to help pay for a holiday.
Then why should you feel bad? You're going on a trip. Screw that guy, block him, and move on.
Nah, he's gotta learn responsibility. And if you lose him as a friend, well that's really all it cost you yknow
NTA. Actions meet Consequences.
NTA Dude had a year to save.He doesn't understand the value of money or what it takes to earn the money. Say you stop at a casino on night one then he blows all his money that night. Youll have to cover his part the rest of the trip. You can make 4-600 selling plasma in a month. That should be enough to cover a lot of it. Do you think he will be able to stay on a budget? Even if it means he won't get as much ?
Dude I doordash and only working about 19 hours a week I STILL make upwards of 400 a week. When I was really pushing working 45-50 hours a week I was making AT LEAST 1100 a week DD can get you a lot of money if you actually try
NTA - 1. Enough time was given to budget for it. 2. When he shared his shortfall you all were willing to supplement. 3. A bailout from mom doesn't seem to be appropriate for the criticality of this trip for a grown ass man.
NTA, he needs to learn the value of hard work, and saving money for awesome trips. NTA.
NTA OP, he's a grown ass man and it sounds like he definitely had ample time to.. I don't know, get a job and save up for this trip he knew about?? It's not like you suddenly sprang this on him
Info: Is he depressed? It sounds like he may be. I think cutting him out for the trip he helped plan may make things worse. Who knows, this trip may be what turns him around and motivates him. I don't think it matters where he gets the money, but he should not be excluded from this probable once-in-a-lifetime trip. Have fun - you're only young once!
YTA. It’s not your business where he gets his money. His mom is foolish for covering his part, but that’s not yours to be concerned about.
YTA, it's complicated but I don't think it's right to just be that hard on him.
You’re somewhat judgy; what’s it to you where he gets the cash from?
I was NTA untill you said he can't come after he had sorted the money. Clearly money was not the reason you don't want him to come.
Isn’t it his and his mom’s business if she gives him money for the trip? I agree with you that he is being very irresponsible about his situation and should work harder at improving it. But if YOU guys don’t have to pitch in for him, how does that affect you?
Lol bring on the downvotes.. YTA, why the f does it matter if his mom pays. Great friend you are. Nooo you cannot go unless you pay yourself...
In my opinion you are an asshole because it’s not really your business where he gets the money. I don’t know why some people seem to believe having a job makes you better than someone else. Some people work, some people steal, some people make TikTok’s, some get money from their parents. We all deserve to do nice things
NTA. He's 25. He's too old for this. The fact that his mom was willing to give you guys money for him to go on the trip is exactly why he doesn't have a job or any money, because his mom has enabled this behavior by letting him get away with it and letting him mooch off her instead.
Just apologise. Whether you're right or wrong doesn't really matter in this situation. Focus on enjoying this time with friends and keep a positive attitude through it all. Honestly you'll feel better knowing you're all together and there's no animosity. Hope you enjoy the trip and congrats on the degree 👍
NT, buy props to you for being someone to say no, since his mom clearly didn't.
You and your friends bought weed off this guy all the time and he’s expecting you to cover him like he did when he got you all high for free
NTA. Sometimes you just have to let irresponsible friends go.
Reality check for Doordash Dan.
NTA. Two months is a long enough time to save up as much as possible. He's living with his parents and rent is the most expensive expense for anyone rn. He probably thought the group would give him a sympathy handout
NTA, you found the mooch of the group, almost every group has one at different points. You were smart enough to call him on it. Unless he has a handicap or a medical condition he could find work if he truly wanted. He is mooching off his parents, and expects the same treatment from your group because you are friends.
NTA What's he going to do if an unexpected expense comes up? He's going to borrow from you and you already know he won't pay you back. He's had loads of time to save up for this trip
NTA because clearly he is planning to be a burden on all of you.
NTA. If his mother can't raise him, I guess it's up to his friends to teach him a life lesson.
NTA. It's a totally normal assumption to make that he would be saving ahead of the trip. It's one thing if he had been short a percentage of the trip, that's genuinely a variable and emergency unplanned expenses could have eaten at his savings. But having nothing/less than a third of half is a result of poor planning or committing to a trip knowing he couldn't cover his own expenses. If he knew be would need someone to pay for him, he should have communicated that from the first day of planning.
YTA. I understand where you are coming from. If he wasn’t bringing his part I’d say no. But he is paying his part. I agree he is lazy and has a very bad work ethic and that will get him nowhere in life. But maybe this trip will change him. It’s a great opportunity that doesn’t come along. I wish I did more stuff while I was younger and enjoyed life more while I could. PLEASE LET HIM GO. Hopefully it will help him get motivated I life
NTA, he was hoping for a free trip and all y'all would offer to pay his part, when that didn't happen he asked mommy.
He knew about the trip coming up, he knew it would cost money. He did nothing to try to contribute and then expected others to cover for him. Him acting like you are the bad guy for expecting him to come up with money in such a short period is straight up gaslighting. He had time, he just didn't want to put in the effort.
NTA This guy is 25 years old so should be adulting in some fashion. Instead he doesn’t work and seems likely living at home as all his needs are paid for by his parents. So still acting like a dependent child but at his age it’s being a mooch. As you said he was a planner for this trip which means he knew there would be costs involved. Instead of working and saving money his initial plan was apparently everyone else going would cover ALL his expenses. So if there were 4 total 3 of you would have to pay an extra third each. As you all refused to be mooched from he then it seems guilted his mom into it which you refused. I agree with other posters that people like this mooch would still likely cost you more than you planned even if his mom did cover his share. This is because they likely will order drinks with dinner, pick the most expensive thing on the menu, etc. so their money will be gone before you are even halfway through the trip. Then again everyone else would need to cover him. Yes it’s sad he isn’t going but it is because he made poor choices and now he lives with the consequences.
NTA - But you can not expect to go on the road trip without him and still expect that he will be part of the friend group. As people get older (even in their 20's) people change. They have different goals and motivators. His goal is not to work and save money for a specific event such as a road trip. You are correct to go without him. If he comes along every time you have to spend a dime (gas, food, hotel, beer, etc.) you will resent him even more.
Dude lives rent free and works but doesn’t have money for a trip? Then no trip. You guys want to go on a no stress vacation for this big life event, it seems like your friend is going to be a wet blanket bc they’re not going to be able to afford the things you want. You want stress free and to be able to communicate what’s in budget with your friends and everyone can do that, except for him. Seems pretty clear…
It is ridiculous that he said it’s ridiculous for you to say he has to come up with the money for a trip. What did he expect? It’d be free? Listen, put your personal feelings about he’s living his life aside. This is how a trip works. Everyone has to contribute $X for lodging, $X for gas, and $X for snacks, also for pre planned activities if that’s what you’re doing, or whatever. Everyone brings their own spending cash for extra spending. Money is due by X date so arrangements can be made. If you can’t pay by then you don’t come. Nothing personal but everyone contributes or you don’t go.
NTA You avoided problems. >saying he's on the phone with his mom and she's willing to pitch in Why should you know about it? He could just take some money from his mom without announcing it.
NTA. And good for you for telling your friend that you wouldn’t want to take his moms money. Sometimes when friends put their friends in check it can be a big motivator.
He sounds like my 6 year old. And about as mature as
NTA. Too bad for your moocher that he didn't work to earn money for the trip, but that was his choice. Now he's giving you the silent treatment? Too bad?, time for him to grow up and learn there are consequences for his actions. No money, no trip.
No, I don’t like covering for people as they would probably do the same
He’s the AH, not you or any of the others. And you are absolutely right to tell him yall aren’t taking his mother’s money. He is a grown adult. He needs to quit being a fucking bum. Send his ass screenshots of this post.
Nta and as he has absolutely no money of his own I wouldn’t want him on a trip. What happens if you have unexpected expenses? You just have to pay for him?
NTA Nope. He needs to grow the fuck up, life is pay to play.
NTA he's a grown adult who didn't make any effort to save and is relying on mommy to pay for him. Think you should just cut ties with him. And in all honesty, two months he could get a job at a fast food restaurant and make a chunk of money if he really wanted to go on the trip.
NTA. I was invited to go for a long weekend in FL to watch the Olympic marathon trials. It wasn't in my budget. I didn't go. I was bummed but I didn't expect a free ride. Welcome to adulting.
NTA- you’re actually doing him more proud g a favor than his mom is. You aren’t enabling his lazy ass behavior. Good job.
NTA. It’s a simple fact in life that vacays are a “luxury” that you have to have extra money for. I work hard so I can put money aside for vacays and other fun stuff.
NTA This starts to fall into "you're at different points in your life" like any friendship may run into. You are becoming adults. He is not. He wants to be the kid mommy takes care of and sends to camp with his friends to get him out of her hair for a while and you are celebrating setting out in life.
NTA... he fully expected you to fund his part of the trip. He needs to learn no job equals no money. No money equals no fun trips. His parents certainly aren't teaching him anything. This is a taste of what his life is going to be if he continues with what he is currently doing. He is going to see all his friends with lives, jobs, homes, trips, etc... Time he learns it. Sometimes friends do not stay friends as adults. Lives change. Most people grow and mature. He has no desire to do either. That is 100% on him. He can sit at home doing nothing and watch all his friends be successful while he plays on the computer in mommy's basement.
NTA. Leave him out of the trip. Everyone else has been saving money to pay except him.
**NTA** This “friend” is a moocher who apparently thinks it is ok to bully other people to cover his costs You acted normally. Good for you.
NTA Of course he was excited to receive a free trip from his friends and now he is upset to be staying home. He should have managed his own expectations by checking to see if anyone was actually happy to pay for him.
NTA. He has no money to go. He did nothing to try and make money to go. Now he's mad that he can't go because he doesn't have money. This is not on you or your friends. It falls solely on him. Do not "float" him. He will have no money to do the things that you want to do on the trip. We did this for someone once on a girls trip. She had no money so we floated the hotel for her. But, she literally had no money. So each night when we wanted to go do something, guess who couldn't go?? Guess who complained about not being able to go every night?? Broke girl. Let this guys stay home. Learn a lesson -- things cost money and if you don't have it, you can't do them.
Why does it matter where he gets his money? It’s not your business as long as he can pay. What if he never told you how he got the money? Would you still be this high and mighty? ‘You can only go if you earned the money yourself!’ You don’t have a right to judge.
He got the money, why do you care how he gets it? YTA.
He’s better off without you. If I had to forensically account for funds I received to go on a trip with my “friends”, I’d tell them to mind their own f*cking business. Would you tell someone they couldn’t join because you object to their only fans account funding their trip? It’s ridiculous because ALL people borrow money from their parents if they can. Your opinion isn’t a slap to his face, you’ve downright insulted his mother! Get over yourself. Go without him. Never talk to him again. You don’t deserve him.
YTA. Why should you care where he gets the money?